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How To Be More Win-Win Than The MM*
. . & Be A Unique Singaporean
by
X’’Ho
* money-minded
A good portion of this book has been published previously, as attributed, and
whatever necessary copyright clearance has been granted. Amendments and
revisions were done at the discretion of the author.
X’Ho books
Bukit Batok Central P.O. Box 283
Singapore 916510
http://www.xhosux.com
copyright 2006 X’Ho
cover: fFurious
layout: Nathaniel Walters / Little Red Dots
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any
form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying,
recording or by any other information-retrieval system, without permission in
writing from X’Ho.
Printed in Singapore
First printing
Dedicated to Mickey & Nat. Bow-wow and
meow-meow, asi-meena. (Not that you know
how much this means to me!) It’s a “forever
came today” thing. God-sent, you are. Much
love. Thanks for the friendship and all the help.
Thank you, Dom & SS (Shirl)
“Crime of the mind will not be tolerated!”
- the ever-ironic Jello Biafra
“There’s no human word for the undiluted adulation we were expected to dish out, ad nauseum, ad infinitum. The Old Man was insecure
from day one.”
- Glen Duncan
I, Lucifer
CONTENT
GLOSSARY
14
AN OPENING NOTE
19
PART ONE - HOW TO BE MORE WIN-WIN THAN THE MM
25
INTRO - UNIQUELY YOURS
27
FIRST, A WORD ABOUT WIN-WIN
28
SOLUTION: LET’S GET WIN-WIN RIDICULOUS
30
TO BE RIDICULOUS IS DIVINE
31
WHO ARE THE MMs?
33
HERE’S ONE GOOD EXAMPLE - OF FLIES & MOSQUITOES
34
ANOTHER MAGNIFICENT EXAMPLE OF WIN-WIN LOGIC
SPUN RIDICULOUS
35
THE ONE GOLDEN RULE
36
SINGAPORE ABOVE ALL
37
THE WIN-WIN OF ALL WIN-WIN’s
- NOTHING LESS THAN ONE NATION UNDER A WIN!
39
NATION-BUILDING IN 10 SIMPLE STEPS
- CAN THIS WIN-WIN BE POSSIBLE?
PART TWO - THE X’HO-FILES
INTRO
40
49
51
WOW, MAVERICK NOW !
52
ADDICTED TO EDICT AND YAMMER
55
NEVER MIND THE SODOM, HERE'S THE MOOLAH
(Remaking Singapore Without Question)
58
"ABSOLUTE POWER CORRUPTS"
61
WORLD-CLASS CHAOS
62
UNGRACIOUS? HOW DYNAMIC!
65
LICKING BLOWS FOR THE BIG PROP
68
SCISSOR, SISTERS & BROTHERS!
71
LOOK HERE BIG-BIG (The United Straits of Whatever)
73
TIME TO ACKNOWLEDGE FEAR & PARANOIA LER-MEH?
77
10
How to be more Win-Win than the M.M.
‘OK SINGAPORE’? AS IN SPIT-SHINE FINE?
81
USE YOUR BRAIN TO COVER YOUR BUTT, IT’S HOMO TIME!
87
(Donch forget, sex not included)
HUFF IT UP, IT’S HOMERUN TIME !
TILES, PILES & OLD WILES
NANNY INVISIBLE SLAPPING SILLY
93
99
102
(Remaking Singapore - Part 16)
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MEDIA SLUGFEST?
105
(Ho ho ho - sings Santa)
MAVERICKS THEATRICS
108
HOMONOSEXUALSINGAPORE
112
BEST-BEST-BEST-BEST-BEST
115
THE CRUCIBLE ACCORDING TO CAPT. GOH
118
WHAT’S A GOV. PAWN STAR ?
122
MAVERICK PROPOSAL #23: ORIGINALS
124
(Or, look who’s not a pawn star!)
124
TO SHZR WITH LOVE & QUESTIONS
126
HEAVY HANDED OBSESSIONS: BLACKOUTS, BIRTHS & BUTTS 129
IT’S YOUR BACKSIDE AGAINST THEIRS!
133
OBVIOUS MONOPOLY RESTORED
(Oh how we rule out the obvious!)
137
REAL DRUG OF THE NATION, ANYONE?
140
POLICY JUSTIFIED (Oh, but of course!)
143
STRATEGIZE US BLIND
146
BOO, I READ YOU
149
DESPERATELY SEEKING FUTURE-LEADERS:
152
SPEAK UP IF YOU’RE YOUNG (Old man swallows all his pride!)
UNIQUELY UN-RIDICULOUS
155
SINGA-NOIA: THE MIGHTY MIGHT WITH A SUPER RESORT
158
MANUFACTURING DISSENT THE FAST & FURIOUS NEW NATIONAL PASTIME
GO ON THEN, LIFT YOUR LEG SHAMELESSLY
162
167
11
X’Ho
MANY HAPPY RETURNS WITH GOLDEN TAPS
171
TO A COUNTRY ‘NOT IN PURSUIT OF CORRECT POLITICS’
EYE-YO, HMM CHAI SEE, AND HMM... SAI SIONG!!!!
175
MADE IN SINGAPORE - THE BIG HIDDEN PICTURE
179
YOU HOLD WHITE ELEPHANTS, THEY UPHOLD THE LAW
183
DODO HEAVEN, CIVILITY HELL
186
MAVERICK AGENDA # 103: LET’S ORGANIZE DISSENT!
191
CONSERVATIVE SOCIETY? WHAT CRAZY HORSE SHIT!
195
LET’S EMPOWER THEM FOR OUR OWN ENDS
198
EXTREMELY SPORTING
201
P FOR PEA-BRAIN & PRIMED PERCEPTION
205
SELF-CENSORSHIP A MYTH?
209
KARMA IN THE COSMOS: SINGAPORE GAGA
213
CO-OPT CULTURE WORKING FULL-ON
216
ONG, BARK!
219
LEMBU CUCUK HIDUNG
222
YA-YA-PAPAYA POLITE!
225
THE BEST SYSTEM THAT WORKS!
229
POO...POO...POOR ART CRITICS
233
PART THREE - INTERVIEWS
241
RAGE AGAINST THE MATRIX
An interview with X’Ho, by Low Lai Chow in 2004
243
AN I.S. MAGAZINE INTERVIEW THAT NEVER GOT PRINTED
251
KUALA LUMPUR’S KLUE MAGAZINE INTERVIEW 2005
253
AN INTERVIEW IN CATALOGUE MAGAZINE JUNE 2004
254
TODAY NEWSPAPER INTERVIEW CIRCA SEPT 2005
256
I.S. MAGAZINE APRIL 2005 INTERVIEW
ON MY FIVE FAVORITE GIGS IN SINGAPORE
PART FOUR - THE FOLLYWOOD LYRICS
FOLLYWOOD’S LINER NOTES
259
265
267
12
MOUTHLESS FISH
269
DROP THE ATTITUDE, FUCKER
270
NAG NAG NAG
272
MEDIA WHORE
273
NIGHTMARE (on 8 & 5)
274
DIGIT NATION
275
ZIRCON GOV. PAWN STARZ
276
A LETTER TO 8 DAYS
278
A PRESS RELEASE... FOR THE CURRENT 8 MONTHS.
279
AFTERWARDS, BURN IT !
PART FIVE - RANDOM NOTES ON THINKING WIN-WIN
287
(unpublished writings)
WHY AM I SELF-PUBLISHING THIS BOOK ?
289
THE SINGAPORE ‘SCIENTOLOGY’ OF CURIOSITY
291
IN CASE YOU DIDN’T NOTICE OUR MYSTERIOUS NEW SKIN 292
YA-YA-PAPAYA - THE FRUIT OF REPRESSION
293
A STRATEGIC REMINDER
295
LOONY TUNES
296
SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS
297
CALL ME A MIMIC
301
SLIPKNOT LIVE IN SINGAPORE
303
DIARY Sept 23, ‘05, Oct 3, ‘05
306
THE LAST SAY
307
(I always have one cos it’s my book!)
LAST WORD ON WIN-WIN
308
HAIL BIG BRO
309
OUTRO
PARANOIA BEGETS PARANOIA
311
313
OVER & OUT.
315
THE X’ HO MANIFESTO
317
GLOSSARY OF SINGLISH TERMS
Ah Beng – a Chinese scally boy
Ah Lian – the female equivalent of Ah Beng
ai-yah/ai-ya – oh well/oh dear me/goodness gracious me!
ai-yoh – oh wow/good golly
alamak – oh dear! (in Malay)
angkat – to carry (in Malay); as in – to carry balls
angkat bola – carry balls (in Malay)
angkat pantat – carry backside (in Malay)
angkat cakap – carry-speak or talk related to carrying (in Malay)
ang moh – Caucasian (in Hokkien dialect)
bo-chap – apathetic (in Hokkien)
cham hor – pitiful
chow Ah Bengs – disgusting scally boys (in Hokkien); chow literally
means smelly
choy – sheesh (in Chinese)
da loo – mainland China (in Mandarin)
gow dim sai – all neatly settled (in Cantonese)
X’Ho
15
hah – a sarcastic exclamation of the question mark reinforced
HDB – Housing Development Board (of Singapore); government housing
hoon kee – cigarettes (in Hokkien)
hor – an exclamation to compound emphatic persuasion
kancheong – over-anxious/over-zealous (in Cantonese)
kiasi – afraid to die (in Hokkien)
kiasu – the self-serving neurosis of losing out to others (in Hokkien)
kropok – crackers (munchies)
lagi – even more/again (in Malay)
lah – an exclamation to express redundancy or the pointlessness of
doubting the point made
leh – an ironical exclamation, usually to cast doubt on a point
ler-meh – a sarcastic question mark
lor – an exclamation to express ironic acceptance/agreement
mah – an exclamation to emphasize certainty with a rhetorical slant
mai-mee-bahn-hah – no problem (in Thai; this is not a Singlish
phrase)
16 Glossary
meh – a sarcastic question mark to cast doubt with scornful cynicism;
similar to ‘as if’
MRT – Mass Rapid Transit (the name of Singapore’s inner-city train service)
nagh – an exclamation intimating feminine persuasion
NUS – National University of Singapore
one – written/said at the end of a sentence as an exclamation to ascertain
the point it precedes with a sense of absolute certainty; as in – you know!
only what – an exclamation not unlike ‘one’ (see above) but with a
nuance of irritation
oso – also (lamely pronounced)
sah-kah – three legs (in Hokkien), a figurative way of saying curry
favor
sikit-sikit – little by little (in Malay)
siow – mad/crazy (in Hokkien)
SPH – Singapore Press Holdings, publisher of The Straits Times, the
island’s main newspaper
tew-lay-lo-mo – fuck your mother (cussing in Cantonese)
towkay – big boss
wah-lau (wah-lan)/wah-piang – oh my god/outrageous!
X’Ho
17
what – an exclamation used at the end of a sentence to intentionally
over-state a point; a like saying ‘as you know’
yu-sheng – raw fish (in Mandarin), usually eaten as a ceremonial dish
during Lunar New Year
18
X’Ho
19
AN OPENING NOTE
You could be holding this book and wondering – ‘is it worth my bother
to buy and read it?’ Well, I’ve said this before in my previous book and
I’ll say it again. If you’re expecting statistical evidence to stage a coup
on this fine country named Singapore, you ain’t gonna get it. You ain’t
gonna get it cos such writing would have rendered the author a criminal
without even the necessity of a legal trial. This book would have been
barred (banned is such a yesterday concept in this age of instant Internet)
and the author may as well be dead. Please remember this - Singapore is
NOT America with a Fifth Amendment. For a book of this nature to
thrive in this fine country, immense butt-covering is imperative as a
strategy.
However, if you’re looking for a book to tell you more about
Singapore than you can ever imagine possible, well, consider divinity to
be smiling at you from this very page. Needless to say, reading between
the lines is a must because butt-covering requires words to be hidden and
tucked away neatly and sweetly ironed. And if much of the thought and
writing here strikes you as gauche, camp or even scatological, consider
it the author’s very intention to do himself in that way as a bargain-gesture. In other words, I doubt there’s such a thing as a high-&-mighty,
redoubtable venerable social critic in Singapore. By that, I mean a true
social critic who can survive the self-aggrandizing system.
It’s like this. President George Bush was quoted in Tattoo Savage
magazine (Dec 04 issue) for saying on May 25, 04: “I’m honored to
shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by
Saddam Hussein.” Tasteless? Well, I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve
resorted to a similar ‘tasteless’ measure in getting my writing to see the
light of day. You may not think that I have any rhyme or reason to do so.
Well, wait ‘til you come to my fine country and taste the power of the
invisible hand!
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #1
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #2
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #3
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #4
24
PART ONE
HOW TO BE MORE WIN-WIN THAN THE MM*
* money-minded
26
“Isn’t it obvious that any form of venting and griping is
a sign of circumstantial impotence? When the griper
manages to realize his/her venting in a more creative
and concrete form of alternative expression, only then
does he/she feel empowered as a unit of society or, simply, as an individual.”
- A ‘minister’ of stated affairs
X’Ho
27
INTRO - UNIQUELY YOURS
To be unique in Singapore is everything. It’s so-so everything that we have
to be even more unique about it. And the best start we got was to defy even
grammar to coin a more-than-unique catchphrase for the country’s tourism
industry. So, instead of the regular term Unique Singapore, we have turned
what’s usually adjective into adverb for it to be, ta-da, Uniquely Singapore.
Adverb must be a powerful emotive tool. The word itself seems to suggest the ‘pro-active’ (ad-verb!). And in a country of Quality Control and the
National Productivity Board (renamed Spring Singapore, see, even ‘spring’
has the subliminal suggestion of that pro-active mentality), being pro-active
is also everything.
I thought you said being unique is everything, but now, pro-active is also
everything. Make up your mind – I hear you say.
Well, that’s why we’re Uniquely Singapore, see. Everything is everything
and then some. Besides, if you think about it, to say uniquely Singapore
instead of unique Singapore brings on a different connotation other than your
usual tourist catchphrase. There is, in Uniquely Singapore, a suggestion that
implies – we are uniquely yours, Singapore. You could say we’re doubling
the ingratiating motive, as it were. We want you, the outsider, to know how
much yours we are in beseeching you. It may sound desperate to some, but
in Singapore, we’d like to think of it as a ‘win-win’ approach towards global
appeal. How else to be super-unique?
This is getting to be ridiculous, I hear you say. Well, you know what?
Being outrageously ridiculous is also a form of unique-ness borne unto itself!
It is also the very premise of how you can strive to be even more unique than
your Uniquely Singapore country. Not that you should be. But why stop at
being passive, yeah? To be pro-active is simply the point these days. Let’s just
say the whole unique issue is so inspiring, it has prompted you to strive forth
to be a supremely unique Singaporean. Or maybe even a supremely uniquely Singaporean.
Think you’re ready?
28
FIRST, A WORD ABOUT WIN-WIN
One can’t understand win-win ‘til one knows kiasu. Kiasu, in the
Hokkien dialect, is the self-serving neurosis of losing out to another. It
is not uniquely Singaporean a trait or phenomenon. But I wager only in
Singapore does the word fully describe a national character. The local
authorities and the national press would be so quick to pass the buck by
turning around to ask – ‘why are Singaporeans so kiasu?’, when the
whole country is merely adopting Big Brother’s rule of thumb. In short,
kiasu comes from a rigid system that advocates everything to go by the
book. It’s a self-serving bureaucracy that justifies itself in the name of
nation-building in every win-win way possible. And because Singapore
is a small and young country, rigidity can be put to great effect.
Take, for instance, the rule on duty-free liquor. The Singaporean traveler can purchase upon his return abroad a bottle of duty-free liquor.
Sounds reasonable enough. But it is against the law to give that very
bottle away as a gift. Many would be shocked to hear of such a law. The
whole rationale behind that rule is to prevent non-drinkers from buying
that duty-free bottle and then selling it away. For if they do and prosecution is sought, the offenders would probably try to cover up and say it
was given away as a gift, unless there is concrete proof of a monetary
transaction obtained for the prosecutor’s benefit. So, the law in
Singapore makes it easy to circumvent such a loophole by dictating
what’s even a personal right for the sake of easy prosecution. The
authorities can never lose out! They know win-win inside out.
The same goes for the rule about bar-top dancers that can be charged
in court for chatting with patrons before, during and after bar-top
dancing. It is all about preventing bar-top dancers from soliciting
‘immoral earnings’.
Of course, such laws are ‘excused’ away as being “rarely enforced”,
though the point of it all suggests a form of paranoiac control that’s way
too outrageous for the lay person to deal with. The fact that such laws
can be enforced should also tell anyone what Singapore is all about.
And if all this is still not quite clear enough….
X’Ho
29
Here’s how one State Minister put it: “OB (Out-of-Bound) markers
cannot be defined because it is not possible to define everything by law.
If you try to define it precisely then others will play around that definition and say they are not doing anything wrong.” (The Straits Times,
May 26, 1999). Henceforth, if justice sounds arbitrary, based on that
explanation, please know that Big Brother has it all. As in, the ultimate
win-win rationale. Or simply, win-win to the max. It’s all about not losing out in every way possible. Kiasu ‘til kingdom kum. Anagram? You
get the picture.
Hope you now understand how kiasu-ism is practised to its utmost in
the Singapore context and why the need for some of us to counteract it
with a ‘perverse’ win-win mentality in order to stay ‘sane’.
30
SOLUTION: LET’S GET WIN-WIN RIDICULOUS
As I’ve pointed out in my first book Skew Me, You Rebel, Meh?,
Singapore is a one-look, one-style, one-choice nation. Long ago, they
already up’d the unique ante by adopting the ‘1984’ Big Brother -model
of defensive paternalism. (Defensive as in - it always works in favor of
the practitioner.) As in – we love you. We do it all for you, you gotta trust
us every way and in everything. We did. So blame it on ugly human
nature of the Orwellian magnitude that from then on, they didn’t know
when to stop, and they didn’t have to anyway. So the one-love, onevoice, one-decision method became simply the one & only thinking faculty of the land. It got so pervasive and successful that they’ve now realized the ‘damage’ of having a nation of passive, reliant, no-brain, undynamic, un-enterprising and un-entrepreneural obedient lap dogs.
Hence, the sudden call nowadays for the people to “think out of the
box”. Think out of the box? Honey, I’ve been doing it for years. Only
thing is, it’s now become ‘fashionable’ and acceptable to do so. And
Singapore being more-than-unique, also has a way of asking you to
think out of the box but not too way out to raise concern. It’s sort of like
think out of the box but within the box. How else can we justify being
unique?
“Creative society? Not if everyone’s copying the same ‘out of the box’
ideas. More like bandwagon society.”
-Andrew Ing, ‘the face of Zouk’ from 1993 –2001, on
Singapore as told to The Sunday Times on Sept 25, 2005
X’Ho
31
TO BE RIDICULOUS IS DIVINE
There are three basic methods in my ‘madness’ to beat the win-win MM.
1) Learn to say - my logic is above your logic because my logic subsumes yours and is clearly a one-up over yours, So naa-naa-naa-naa-naa.
The hard part about this method is to rationalize your childish-ness about
it. But actually, that’s easy. It’s about being ridiculous, remember? As
long as you hurt nobody…
2) Singaporeans are kiasu and are generally incapable of alternative
thinking, not to mention being humanely ridiculous. So, in order to be
sanely ridiculous, you gotta be NOT kiasu. It’s tough, I know. It’s only
human nature to affect tit for tat. But forego the immediate tit and you’ve
got a much better tat, or tact! After all, isn’t it just so Big Brother to go
for immediate tits and short-term tats? So don’t do as the dog trainers do.
Think out of the box. Take their word for it that it’s honorable to think
so. Sounds ridiculous? You got it! But don’t you be hurting nobody with
it, either. Remember, you may be Singaporean by birth but that doesn’t
mean you have to be a proud Singaporean. Cos you know better – you
are more unique than simply being Singaporean, which is, by and large,
ugly. And we’re playing the rule by the unique-book there, aren’t we?!!!
3) Going by all rules of all books, it is always honorable to do something
good for society and other people. Even the good religious books tell
you so. Well, in Singapore, you’ve gotta learn to say – I don’t do it for
no Singaporean, I only do it for myself (but don’t you be hurting nobody,
that’s important. Bob Dylan has taught us well - “To live outside of the
law, you must be honest”). Remember, Singaporeans and human beings
are different. Singaporeans are unique! Human beings are just human
beings. So, be not afraid to be exceedingly prejudiced against
Singaporeans (after all, we’ve been taught well by our Masters that it’s
all right to discriminate against our own kind for the good of all!), you
are only preaching what is smartly practised. You love human beings
like all compassionate sentient beings should. But, what can you say
32
about Singaporeans? Singapore is unique and doesn’t fall into that category. She’s asked for it herself. Therefore, Divinity now deems it so.
Unless, a Singaporean is a personal friend! Ah, that’s different. Learn to
defend your own unique form of discrimination as a learned art from the
top. And when someone points his finger at you for being utterly ridiculous, know you’ve attained enlightenment - with a small e! The big one,
we’ve all gotta forego. Why do you think we’re (re-)born into
Singapore?!!!
My God, how ridiculous to say that! Now we’re talking.
X’Ho
33
WHO ARE THE MM S ?
Simple. The ‘average’ Singaporeans, especially the ‘ugly’ ones who only
know civility and courtesy for a price. They can’t help it. They are your
‘mere mortals’ (hey, that’s MMs too!) who have to be told to think out
of the box in order to think out of the box. Put bluntly, they are the subjugated debris who prove that Big Brother’s big control can still be bigger when put paid to them.
At this point, you might be tempted to say – but many people in the
world are also money-minded (MM) and perhaps even more so than
Singaporeans. Good, glad you mentioned it. Here’s your first chance to
practise the win-win ridiculous logic. Repeat after me – but they are
NOT Singaporeans. Singapore being so uniquely unique has every right
for her people to be the MM of an ‘other’ supremely unique breed.
This sounds really ridiculous, of course. But that’s just the whole
point. You want logic? Donch forget, they’ve got 1000 logic for every
principle they wanna uphold. So, you learn from that too. You got your
own 1000 perverse logic to neutralize the no-choice-voice you’re left
with. You gotta remember to blame them for the ‘perverse’ contortedlogic logic you’re practising. After all, their logic goes by the book. A
book that can be thrown at you. So, think out of the box and create your
own alternate logic to defray the flying book, as it were. It’s your own
HOUSE OF FLYING LOGIC. It’s the best way to keep sane. Trust me.
I do it all the time. For the full course on this matter…
Well, that’s what this book is about. To help you understand the many
ways in which it can be practised. The way I’ve put it to practice in writing. Every chapter speaks of a method or methods. It’s up to you to get
it all sussed, for your own sanity and, most of all, for your own good.
(Psst-psst, learn to flog the paternalistic argument for your own benefit
too!)
34
HERE’S ONE GOOD EXAMPLE : OF FLIES & MOSQUITOES
Here’s a good example that the authorities are already practicing, albeit
in a safe and circumvented form, the kind of ridiculous logic I propose.
On Mar 27, 2005, The Sunday Times printed a quote from the thenActing Community Development, Youth & Sports Minister at a dialogue
with university students on the failure of the Speakers’ Corner in Hong
Lim Park. (Lord knows these dialogues about speaking up have become
a desperate fixture these days, and we all know why, donch we!)
“Because Singaporeans are sensible people and have decided that
there’s not much point going up there standing on a soapbox, yelling at
the mosquitoes and the flies.”
See how a lack of interest in ‘free speech’ and public grouses is facetiously made to look like it’s the mosquitoes and flies’ fault! That’s precisely how you can turn logic to your own advantage as a form of mental pleasure if nothing else. But please don’t do it the Dr. Chee Soon Juan
(opposition party leader) way and try and stage a demonstration in front
of the President’s palace (the Istana) on Labor Day as a way of extending help to the people of Singapore. Told you, Singaporeans have the
Gov. to help them. Big Brother’s All-Encompassing Paternal Love.
Don’t you be big-hearted Samaritan about it. What do you think Dr.
Chee’s intentions were? Of course, he meant well. So, do it only for
yourself. Unless you relish being made a bankrupt. I know that would
qualify as ridiculous. But know the difference between insanely ridiculous and sanely ridiculous. Be kiasi (afraid to die) but not kiasu. And
learn to blame it on the leeches and the lap dogs, not to mention the flies
and mosquitoes. And whenever necessary, do the ultimate win-win thing
- rally for the dog trainers (so leeches will know they’re not the only
ones who know how to curry favor). It’s soooo ridiculous-sounding.
Yeah, that’s why it’s fly!
X’Ho
35
ANOTHER MAGNIFICENT EXAMPLE OF WIN-WIN LOGIC
SPUN RIDICULOUS
Our Minister Mentor was quoted in The Sunday Times on Apr 3, 05
thus: “My son is the Prime Minister. He made me a mentor just to
remind everybody that I’m not in charge.” (It was a statement made in
Hong Kong about the younger generation of ministers who have to
decide on whether building a casino in Singapore is a good strategy.)
Well, do we Singaporeans remember to ask, as a reaction to that statement, why the son is a PM in the first place? And, if any son taking over
the business from his daddy-o were to seek any kind of reliable and
sound advice, whom would he naturally turn to? That’s what I mean by
‘hijacked logic’. So learn to think out of the box and ask sharp questions
for a win-win one-upper! Put simply – think out of the box already!
36
THE ONE GOLDEN RULE
The Singapore govt. is now telling the young – nothing will happen if you
breach OB-markers. Donch you be foolish to go stepping all over the markers with wild abandon. In my books, the one golden rule you must always
bear in mind is – cover your own backside. Learn to protect yourself. Know
what is right and wrong. What is transcendence and what is transgression –
something most Singaporeans, who’ve been numbed out by Big Brother’s
1,000 win-win rationale, are incapable of having the initiative to deduce.
Now, I hear you say – but covering your own backside is such a kiasu behavior and oh-so Singaporean. Isn’t it ridiculous that you advocate it? Exactly.
Learn to embrace the uniquely ridiculous as the first step towards your winwin recovery of Singapore. Even if that means appearing like a lap dog in
front of the trainer. Remember this. What’s your conscience compared to
theirs?
Should you ever slip in your resolve to embrace the ridiculous, simply
remember this editorial headline from The Straits Times on Mar 26, 2005:
“Ensuring an elite without elitism” (the writer was expounding on our
leader’s call for the acceptance of having elites in Singapore). Sounds ridiculously pompous? Not to them, so why should your own versions of ridiculous pomposity sound ridiculously pompous to you!
Remember, ridiculous is as ridiculous does. And that’s justification-rule
no.1. Sounds like defensive justification? That’s justification-point no.2.
We’re justifying to no end? That’s justification-point no.3. Remember justification is a clear sign of transparency. That’s justification-point no.4. Do I
seriously need to go on?
Well, flip forth, my dear reader. The treasure trove of win-win thinkingout-of-the box from my unique House of Flying Logic awaits you page after
page after page after page….
Absorb it and you can be an (intellectual) elite to help yourself. After all,
we all know that you can’t help others ‘til you have helped yourself first. It’s
like the basic principle of love, even learned paternal love. And perhaps,
especially so in the uniquely Singapore context.
X’Ho
37
SINGAPORE ABOVE ALL
“World looks to Singapore for inspiration” – the headline of a fullpage essay by Edison Liu in The Straits Times on April 11, 05. Let me
quote something from that (self-) glorifying piece.
“Something strange is happening to the world on its way to maturity. It is beginning to look like Singapore.” So, is that like Uniquely
Singapore revoked cos more nations have taken to being unique as well?
Or, has the writer simply forgotten that we’re so unique that the world
has to clamor for a piece of us in the first place? (See this writer’s winwin logic already put to work there?)
“Ridiculed for pandering to foreign multinationals, Singapore
achieved economic success through foreign investments from multinational corporations.” Got meh? I’m sure very few Singaporeans
received the impression that we were ever ridiculed for pandering… If
ever there was pandering, anyway. (See, how more win-win arguments
can be made?)
“Lambasted by America’s left for its authoritarian government,
the US Patriot Act passed after 9/11 looks surprisingly like one of
Singapore’s security laws.” Actually, that’s almost self-revealing, but
since we gotta be win-win… So, will we be seeing the US going on a
massive desperate campaign to get her citizens to “speak up”, “speak
their minds” and move on from an over-publicized Speakers’ Corner?
Well, I sure hope so. I’m truly happy that the world is emulating
Singapore, so the people will know where the glorious source is. The
full-page essay is truly heartening for this writer who can’t wait to read
about the results in his next lifetime. After all, history does live on even
when we humans don’t. And how much better when more ‘worlds’
authenticate the truth for this tiny microcosm of a nation whose shift
from speckle to gem-dot can get smartly veiled from harsh eyes.
38
“Singapore’s pragmatic strategies, crafted out of necessity by a
strong and prescient leadership, came out of one brutal understanding – succeed or die. Ideology was and still is a luxury,” that certain
Liu wrote. Well folks, the ideology in this book is certainly here to
indulge your fancy so you can die a thousand deaths while knowing it is
luxury you can still afford, or at least, your OB*-marked luxury can.
Aren’t you squealing with delight at your smart purchase of this win-win
–inducing book?
“Other natural forces are also making the world look more like
Singapore.” I CERTAINLY hope so. That way, the world will understand what I’m winning about? Did I hear my detractors accuse me of
‘whinging’ there? I didn’t hear it, so why should I pander to those voices? Besides, maybe you’ll understand how my shamelessness came
about now.
A thousand win-wins, shall we say!
BTW, there was this disclaimer at the bottom of the said essay: “The
writer is director of the Genome Institute of Singapore. The opinions
expressed are his own.” Will they print any of my essays in The Straits
Times even WITH such a disclaimer? So much for the ‘objectivizing’
disclaimer.
Win-win to the bottom-est end and succeed in being gloriously ridiculous, yah?!! C’mon, psychoanalysts, I can’t wait to hear those insights
about revenge fantasies of the impotent and WHY those fantasies have
come to be! Thanks to Alice Donut for that album-title. Donch you just
love the word ‘impotence’?!!!
*out-of-bound
X’Ho
39
THE WIN-WIN OF ALL WIN-WIN’S : NOTHING LESS THAN
ONE NATION UNDER A WIN !
Funky good lord. Here’s more – about emulating Singapore, I mean.
“President Mbeki - South Africa’s great thinker, who wants to unite
poor nations, is inspired by Singapore” – the headline of an essay by
Arnold Gay published in The Straits Times on Apr 23, 05. The President
was quoted saying “It may not be possible to replicate it, but I’m
absolutely certain there must be something we must learn to understand how Singapore did it. The Senior Minister Goh Chok Tong
was saying, ‘don’t ask us about Singapore, because we’ll tell you the
good things’. He said just go and find out what has been done and
what works.”
I have to say that SM Goh seems awfully generous because if he were
to tell you the good, that will be all there is to tell. With Singapore, it’s
‘me all good no bad’ – at least that’s what we have cognitively gathered
from the national press. Got bad, meh? We donch know, leh.
Being such a win-win learner, I’ve come up with an attempt to deconstruct the formula of Singapore’s success. But Singapore being all winwin, I’m afraid one can never really deconstruct her completely. An
exhaustive analysis of Singapore’s success would be an oxymoron to her
win-win nature. Nonetheless, with my ‘primitive’ deconstruct, you’d be
in a better position to think up a one-upper on the ultimate win-win,
which is Singapore’s all-encompassing glory and the envy of nations.
What’s there to win-win in that? Well, perhaps win-win itself, if nothing
else!
40
NATION-BUILDING IN 10 SIMPLE STEPS CAN THIS WIN-WIN BE POSSIBLE ?
Here’s a simplified paradigm of sturdy nationhood in 10 simplified steps,
should you want an envy-of-the-world government of your own. (Not
applicable to folks in communist dictates.)
1. You have to be a young nation at the start. So that all powers, at the start,
are bestowed on and entrusted onto a worthy candidate or an all-important
inaugural Prime Minister like you to want to steer the young country
towards economic prosperity. In other words, the start-up intentions have
to be honestly noble with complete dedication and motivational savvy to
gain total trust from the people to want to bestow even more power and
autonomous control onto you as a ruler.
2. Once sizable control is assured, quickly rule the entire media in all its
forms – radio, TV and press, especially the news-issuing medium, without
an iota of leeway for any private enterprise to gain ANY standing in that
facility whatsoever. Only then, can total control ensure a one-vision, oneplan achievement. If anyone dares to criticize your governing methods,
look for the clause in the legal system for the culprit to be punished for subversion, or slander, or perjury…. Be smart, think up something. What
clause? Who’s in power to make up things for the nation’s good? Go figure. What did they say in that book The Art Of War? Don’t ask me, I never
read it. Maybe you should. When the foreign press makes harsh criticism
that the control over free speech is undemocratic, let your people know that
foreigners should never interfere with domestic politics, which they know
so little of anyway. With your utmost upper hand on the local media, ain’t
that the truth! How could they know?!!! Besides, when people envy your
achievements eventually, it’s based on statistics and what works. So, leave
the grand theory of by-the-book democracy to foolish theorists. You are a
politician, behave like one, let alone a ruler! But add a façade of the benign
to the iron-touch. Imaging is everything. How do you think Hollywood was
made? Now you know why you’ve got to have complete control of the
X’Ho
41
media! It pays to ensure that public-discussion is always managed by the
ruled media in your nation-building favor. Lots of it too – to be justifiably
democratic, nonetheless; as long as the breadline/lifeline of those running
editorial offices are at your complete nation-building disposal. Never
under-estimate the power and popularity of self-(regulated) praise.
3. Go PATERNALISTIC. It’s the father of efficacious enforcement that
proudly proclaims how everything is done FOR the people’s good.
Somehow, you WILL make yourself feel that too when you believe that
you and only you are the founding father of your country. As for the love
bit in paternalism, you naturally have it anyway - that love TO CONTROL.
How else can your ‘children’ reap benefits of your iron-hand vision of paradise? Iron or ‘3-iron’, it’s still paradise, to you!
4. Establish a well-argued (read: win-win) mentality over the people from
the start that any opposition is dissent and any dissent is counter to nationbuilding. And don’t bow to any fanciful Western notion of democracy,
especially when those over there shoot not only their mouths off but also
the mainline on their arm for kicks. Be firm towards accusations of being
ridiculous when implementing rules like ‘You can’t say the word disco on
radio, cos that symbolizes Western decadent culture’ and ‘Chatting with
patrons on a bar-top dancing job is a crime’. And then learn to use the term
‘RARELY ENFORCED’ as a form of assurance to appease the disgruntled.
Remember your nation-building vision is all that matters. Nothing else
does - least of all human dignity. You can quantify nation-building success
but not human dignity. In any case, when you rule the media, dignity can
always be sustained, or over-ruled, whichever is applicable for whenever.
5. Naturally, eliminate all underworld characters, they can only subvert
your nation-building needs. Get rid of all those nasty thorns in the (under)
side. You don’t want a local Mafia or even view-differing ‘marshals’ to run
the State alongside your officers. Though that’s the easiest to deal with,
since ordinary citizens are opposed to outlaws anyway.
42
6. Needless to say, settle only for a one-party government – yours! Nothing
else is good enough – it’s up to you to motivate your media editors to convince the people on that. You and you alone have to be the only one of
REAL reckoning. Remember, even in the Holy Trinity, God is still head!
That means, cripple the opposition until they resort to needless and blatantly lame behavior, like shouting at a head of state in some neighborhood
market-center, appearing hopelessly uncouth and foolish. Your side of the
story is always the ONLY important side of the story. That’s so easy to
affect, especially if you think about LAYOUT in the daily pulp press. Your
version of what’s important could well extend to grouping Texas and New
York under one geographical electorate-State when the big elections roll
around. Be daringly outrageous to your ruled State’s advantage. It’s called
unique. Or uniquely, whichever sounds more-than-unique for the time. No
opposition party members/leaders should be covered on film, not even
when filmed as documentary. That kind of political depiction might just
sway election-votes. So make that a clause in your judicial Films Act. Of
course, when a documentary is made about you or your ruling political
party, it should be judged as a historical depiction! But really, with the
media under your thumb, you won’t even need the video-documentaries.
7. Be not afraid to look fickle. ‘Stop at two’ one moment, and the next,
‘graduate mothers should have more babies’! Everything else may be subjected to the rules of national security – in the areas of race, religion and
equality, but not your own powerful agenda, no matter how unreasonablesounding or fickle they may appear to the layman. Gambling could be a
felony but casinos should now be built in the name of national competitiveness for the good of the economy. Homosexuality is still a crime against
nature, but we should have hush-hush gay saunas with dark rooms for the
good of preserving the pink-dollar. That’s where your media editors come
in, why else are they paid well to do the job! Remember, life is kind, when
it’s time to re-think national strategies, your grandchildren will be old
enough to help you see the needs of the young in more ways than (your)
one (as in your basic, original ONE vision). So, change horses in any direc-
X’Ho
43
tion you want. Integrity means shit next to ‘what works’. Having pledged
yourself to a nation’s good and prosperity, it’s really your move – be it suddenly left, right, center, front or backwards. The word ‘obstacle’ should
never appear in the local lexicon to hinder your nation-building demands.
How do you think the Great Wall of China was built? On democracy? You
want to be a wonder of the world, don’t you?
8. Spread the bread-&-butter issue THICK in the area of welfare, since no
one likes to starve. That’s how you hold the hoi polloi in your sway. You’ll
be surprised how you can even build integrated mountains out of morally
imbibed molehills (and assuage people’s religious guilt too) when you turn
the focus to huge job opportunities being freshly opened by the mountains
you deign fit to be resurrected over the mouth of…oh, whatever.
9. Don’t forget, we all make mistakes. It’s how you draw attention to them
that makes all the difference. Looking good is top priority here. Learn to
convince the public that when you make one, you somehow realize that,
gosh, it’s an honest one! Resort to calling yourself dim-witted in the past,
if need be. It can only, as corollary, imply that you’re so much smarter now.
But being merciful to others’ mistakes will only tempt them to play foul in
making more of theirs. So, subtly make honest mistakes an unqualified prerogative for yourself in the national press, where else?! What else can people read, anyway? As for the Internet, by all means, regulate it to your
utmost ability – therein lies the proof of your ruling capability!
10. Actually, this last pointer is of topmost importance. Your country has
to be very small in size and population to begin with for all of the above to
work, otherwise you can forget about the kind of regimentation stated
above or emulating, say, a successful model. Maybe, you should try shrinking your country’s geographical landscape and excess population to accommodate the wonder of a small country’s success! That would be the most
far-out win-win. Just think – international repute! The ultimate in global do
or die! How ready are you for that kind of unbelievable win-win to triumph
44
on your own shores? To win-win or not to win-win, remember, is never the
question. In Singapore, there’s only that one-look, one-style, one-choice
option –WIN-WIN! Mind you, we do like to think of it as still an option,
and that’s the secret!
Now… of course, none of the above is true! How can nationhood be so
easily deconstructed to just 10 easy steps? And what ridiculous assumptions are made in each! Like I said, an exhaustive analysis of Singapore’s
success is an oxymoron, in view of her win-win nature. The above 10 steps,
come to think of it, are so crude and foul, they should be trashed and puked
upon. Retch big-big now for full AUDIO effect. So then, why did I bring
them up? Just so you know that I’ve thought them up for you already and
you don’t need to go there – that so ridiculously presumptuous way of
thinking up a backside denial of the success that’s uniquely Singapore!
“We are all obvious in our ways. After all, it is a national priority in
Singapore to be transparent!”
- A ‘minister’ of homely developments
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #5
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #6
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #7
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #8
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #9
PART TWO
THE X’HO-FILES
“In Singapore, free speech is allowed only with permission”
- Peter Kammerer of South China Morning Post
May 30, 05
X’Ho
51
INTRO
Arguing well or being one-up is the key. How else can you stand up for
yourself in these ever-changing times of fickle policies and sudden maverick-calls? The following Files that appeared on www.xhosux.com (and
in the BigO E-Update ‘til Aug 2004) are classic examples of win-win
arguments. They may not be a classy and elegant read but hey, they’re
all about (- to borrow the ex-BigO caption) ‘the mirror of (establishment’s) opinion’. Read ‘em and weep, with the joy of retribution set in
ink.
52
WOW, MAVERICK NOW !
"Meet maverick advertisingpreneur Adrian Tan" - a Straits Times feature
rang out to readers on May 10, 2002. Ooh, agenda-propping time again;
am I thrilled to gather cheesebites for my own personal files in this magazine. What is it this time, fellas? (Got to spell it out 'cos Singaporeans
have opted to remain dense, it's less painful that way mah). Answer:
Promoting entrepreneurship lor.
What does that require?
Answer: A maverick spirit (not necessarily so for other countries, but
this is no-creativity Singapore mah).
Check out the said entrepreneur's movers-and-shakers (as spelt out in
the feature): 1) "He got university hallmates to sleep in the raw with windows open during one of the coldest Canadian winters" and 2) (my numbering) "He can't spell to save his life, yet he calls his dyslexia his greatest gift"
Wow, what a maverick! A handicap or abnormality is perceived in
turn as a "gift!" So how do we apply this to a layperson? Well, I suggest
that NSman and effeminate slut Chee Wai, for example, should convince
all his platoon-mates to sleep in the raw during one of our hottest days
in the year (that means almost any time of year except in December and
January), just to test their limit-hold on his wiles of seduction. At the
same time, it makes perfect sense to explain it away to the platoon-officer that the weather is too darn hot to be clothed in bed. And why would
Chee Wai wanna put his seduction-wiles to test?
Well, if he can't have hetero-sex to save his life, he may as well make
the best of his sexual orientation and declare it his "greatest gift!" I think
it makes good sense. I'm only trying to help. After all, I'm sure there are
more homos who feel they are "handicapped" at scoring in camp than
entrepreneurs with a scoring problem.
Other movers-and-shakers of the said entrepreneur: 3) "Rules and
limits excite him" and 4) "He doesn't wear underwear." Ai-yo, you say
radical or not?!! Layperson, follow? Simple. Think of the chewing-gum
ban, now wank - without underwear is certainly more "handy" for the
X’Ho
53
task. Think of Muslim girls wearing tudung to school, then "touch"
·FIGURATIVELY this time (touchy touchy!), I'm referring touch to
mean - WEEP for great disharmony, for heaven's sake! Are you so onetrack minded? How to be dynamic and creative?
Why all the ridiculous suggestions! I hear you ask. Well, my dear, this
is all to foster a maverick spirit, mah. If you merely follow, you wouldn't be a TRUE maverick, would you?
"If the task of promoting procreation here were left to the maverick
Adrian Tan, how would he do it? The Straits Times puts this topical challenge to the father of two (no wonder he qualifies!). He says the
Government's baby drive treats the population like a 'baby-making'
machine that can give you a baby if you put in a coin. He will dispense
with the irksome approach of chastening women to do their national
duty and, instead, appeal to men to secure their country's future. He suggests exempting husbands from reservist training during the wife's pregnancy and up 'til the child is one, as they are doing national service at
home" - the report went.
First of all, I have a bone to pick. "The Government treats the population like a· machine that can give you (whatever) when you put in a
coin?" Where got? No, nagh. If that were true, our newspapers would
have pointed it out already, what. They report hot-press facts and factual opinions, don't they? So Tan - "the Ad Planet's mad towkay" - is talking cock there, if you ask me.
Other than that, I think he's turned in a good maverick trick for a campaign. Look at the picture of the muscle-y man - the beefcake - cradling
the babe. Here's where your "maverick spirit" should cue your thoughts
to go - he looks like he's trying to suckle the infant! I mean, look at the
picture yourself. Yes, all beefcakes, if not physically less well-built
straight males as well, should be inspired thus to have a baby. Of course,
he won't get no Nestum from his nip, but imagine the sensation! Wooo·
All the more important when wife is too post-natally bogged down
with baby-chores to get turned on. Baby as the surrogate sex-citer, how
more radical than that! And, mind you, it wouldn't even be sexual abuse
54
cos father is merely trying to understand mother's task at hand, or rather,
at breast. So it's all rather clinical and familial in the maverick sense.
After all, one should think of the man's "national service at home" as creating marital harmony with or without wife as active sex-partner to bring
up junior for Singapore. Men, think of your sexual senses being gratified
by a national campaign FOR ONCE. Now that's maverick! (See, I'm
merely trying to help push the maverick-limit.)
So, what gives me the right to draw such conclusions and dish them
out as advice to the population here? Simple. Check out said-entrepreneur's 'mover-and-shaker' #5: "He is working on his own obituary advertisement now."
What, only now? I wrote mine some four years ago and it's there in
my book, Skew Me, You Rebel Meh? in Chapter 2 titled Gloating In The
Dark (My Obituary). So conclusively, can I just say - I was already a
maverick before the "mad towkay" became one OVERNITE to help flog
an agenda. Henceforth, I hereby declare myself the more true and original maverick with or without the breast-beating to suck up to nanny's
craze for babies· and mavericks too.
And you know I ain't lying when I say - I do it JUST for Singapore.
Sept, 02
X’Ho
55
ADDICTED TO EDICT AND YAMMER
"Singapore is the sum of our dreams, our fears, our sweat," The Straits
Times spelt it out on August 19, 2002 like it's Armageddon nationalismtime. It offered the following tips "for Singapore to be successful: send
right signals to foreigners, guard against that 'bo chap' attitude, be less
choosy about jobs, be more self-reliant, encourage spirit of enterprise,
make creative energy pay off." What·? That's all for now? Yada-yadayada. That's all I can say?
Yeah, I can deliver a precise rhetoric too, but I'll tell you this Singapore is full of horrible people and it appears to be a fact. How so?
Some club-owner, responding to the PM's hint that bar-top dancing may
be allowed, said: "I've seen it in four major cities - London, New York,
Paris and Madrid - in the past 10 years. It may be wise to allow it so that
we can compete" (ST, Aug 21, 2002).
Of course that club-owner was being tactful and ever so TACTICAL
about what to say (don't want to get marked by the licensing department,
do we?). But will you listen to that? Defending and rationalising a basic
recreational love as a means to "compete." That's what the people's mentality has been reduced to in Singapore. So, is it out of their own free will
or is it just mere tact? Let's be taciturnly economic about it, shall we?
Do authorities ever consider bar-top dancing a matter of personal/societal freedom? No. Why? 'Cos they'll tell you - people can't wait to misbehave. THEREFORE. Have I not the right, therefore, to conclude that
Singaporeans are horrible people? Of course - NOT in the eyes of the
authorities (we have to promote ourselves as a tourist and business hub,
mah!). To them, people are horrible, not just Singaporeans. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
By the way, thank you news-media peeps for the TV-trailer highlight
of the PM's National Day Rally Speech in such a way to let me know
that my August 2002 X'Ho-Files poem To Die For One's Country (see
my previous book Attack Of The SM Space Encroachers) was closely
examined (and therefore necessarily rebutted). In the trailer, we saw the
PM pointing out that he's not asking Singaporeans to die for their coun-
56
try but rather live for it.
This is exactly what ST columnist Ong Soh Chin said some time back
when the topic was raised after a new MP talked of his son's poser about
dying for one's country. And I thought I was already so very late in
responding with my poem. Now, the authorities couldn't possibly be
way-way later than I·So thanks, I'm flattered. (Hope the authorities
bought that issue of BigO and were not being cheap-skate by borrowing
it from one of their stool pigeons acting as a contributor-writer. Just a
matter of "competing" in circulation, you understand.)
In that National Day Rally speech, the PM also raised a controversial
point about Singaporeans being either "quitters or stayers." To which,
the ever-tactical Ong said: "Just call me a staying quitter" (ST, Aug 24,
2002). Wonder if she was pointing the way - again - to the PM for another future rebuttal. Anyway, you go, girl! Nothing like sassy semantic
spunk.
What do I have to say about that speech? The poor PM! Just look at
his stressed-out honorable self. I do pity him for having to shoulder the
huge task of guiding the whole nation through this "radical" period of a
more-liberal/"Remaking-Singapore" Singapore. I mean, imagine all the
dirty work he's left to do! I am being sincere here (and you can tell him
that for me).
Heartland-advocate Chua Lee Hoong made a very touching stand on
that speech (about quitters and stayers) in her commentary, A Look In
The Mirror Reveals Some Hard Truths' (ST, Aug 21, 2002). She concluded: "The anger and criticisms expressed since (the PM's speech) are
also necessary reminders to the government that a successful nation cannot be forged by edict alone, but through a diligent and honest partnership with the people."
Now why wasn't Chua around yesterday to get all vocal with egalitarian truths when the people of Singapore were subjected to an edict of
soul-damaging proportions on the basis of hard-nosed nation-building?
And if those concessions for nation-building were all that righteous, why
the different tune played now? We know the answer of course - poor
X’Ho
57
foresight and no future leaders (I'm quite sure the poor PM didn't dig
THAT grave!). How "indescribably sad" (Chua's words) indeed.
The truth is, today, we still feel being "edict-ed," and that all concessions made now (S21, Remaking Singapore, etc.) seem like nothing but
a newer scheme towards compounding the same paternalistic edict. (But
don't ask club-owners about my belief, unless you wanna dish out a
cover-backside perspective for the national press.)
So "partnership?" A truer truce for "partnership" is needed, I'm afraid.
Even the fascist-Germans and imperialist-Japs, I believe, recanted after
World War II. Real trust requires some sincere form of coming clean,
no? Otherwise, all the well-intentioned PM raps and heartrending comments by Chua would just be sweet talk to our "bo chap" ears. And we
know that kind of result would not be any better than my so-called
"mean gripes." How do you think I got started in the first place, anyway?
Yabba-yabba-yammer-yey.
Oct, 02
58
NEVER MIND THE SODOM, HERE'S THE MOOLAH
(Remaking Singapore Without Question)
These days, there’s one giant fervor of a spirit sweeping the island,
sprinkling desperate stardust of renaissance-chic that could turn an
Indonesian haze into Hendrix’s Purple Haze for that funky youthful
beckoning. And this crazy hype worthy of a national hysteria is none
other than, da-da — Remaking Singapore.
Oh, don’t even think I’ll try pitching that if-it-ain’t-broke argument
which has already been defensively tackled the moment the campaign
began. What did they say? You think I’d bother with that nonsense the
way they’d bother with mine? Gimme a break… (now, that’s one catchphrase that’s hard to erase from my Chee-ky memory of our people-serving press’ Bertha-Butt-Boogie arguments).
Remaking Singapore naturally requires a certain amount of dirt-digging, if not airing of dirty laundry. So here’s one from the annals of the
family institution: homosexuality (none more vile or scum-baggy,
yeah?) Well, what d’ya know, our authorities are finally bothering with
that alt.lifestyle now. No less than seven gay saunas/bath-houses with
bustling orgies, I hear, have come to thrive in our midst. Shocking, yeah?
(The authorities don’t know? Darling, how you undermine them.) Then
there was that huge gay rave-party on Sentosa (on the eve of National
Day, no less) named The Nation Party. Not billed as a gay party? Well,
so much for 'transparency' then. Some things just can’t be black-andwhite. Can you imagine how 'unprepared' our PEOPLE will be for news
of such a scene in the press ? So it’s not the authorities fault, hor.
So, do we have a Remaking-Singapore’s gay-underground or what?
I mean candy-honey-sugar-puff, of course, it is a very 'underground'
scene. Oh, don’t we — here in hip-and-swinging Singapore — crave to
have something so (clinically) underground … finally!
Question is — what called for this new 'liberalization' of the gayunderground to operate with license above-ground? All you desperate
outlet/avenue-hunting homos who think our society has gone more tolerant about your aberrant sexual preference, think again (not that you
X’Ho
59
need to when there’s a more pleasurable pursuit now like groping in the
dark-rooms). Let me remind you that you’re NOT exactly getting the
delicious un-Hollywood gay cult-movies on the silver screen. That
should tell you all about the new Remaking mentality.
Even a mincing nellie can tell me the other day that it’s all about keeping tab of who goes there and where. It’s all about ‘hidden cameras’ darling, ‘she’ says. (Oh, sisters, you should feel paranoid about those darkrooms especially on those special NO-TOWEL nights. In the end, they’ll
know not only what you do but how LONG you can go. Hmm-hmm. I
no buff (sic) you one — it’s in our System to be guardedly paranoid,
remember… for your own good!). Methinks the real reason, apart from
utter control, is also more quintessentially Singapore: MONEY, honey.
(As in know money, know honey, luv.)
The reason the authorities have allowed those Sodom-and-Gomorrahsinful-despicable-depraved places to thrive is — they want raving
homos to spend their PINK-DOLLAR here now. Why bother to fly to
KL or BKK or HK for the long-weekend spree and indulgence? We’ve
got seven bath-houses to choose from, plus an over-night jaunt at
Sentosa to let fly those limp-wrists, bulging biceps and gym-trained
pecs. How ironic that these outlets have sprung up now in Singapore
AFTER the AIDS-tragedy began. Irony honey? No problem, we just
swatch it for the makeover-look! It’s called let’s-not-talk-about-it, so we
can all enjoy ourselves. Or, never mind the Sodom, here’s the moolah.
Haven’t I been right all along? When economics comes knocking,
morality flies out the window. (Remember the American-English issue?)
Particularly poignant in self-righteously upright Singapore, don’t you
think? Yes, dear Mr. President — as they’d say in the US — you can step
down from your moral high-horse now for the non-legislated but semipermissive actions/rulings surely do speak for themselves.
Try telling me that the authorities are finally tolerant of homos and
I’ll surely ask why Fassbinder’s Querelle was missing from the Goethe
Institute’s program of the German film-director’s career-retrospective.
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(Oh go on, get the Institute to cover its backside and make it look like it
is covering backside… why not, we’re so used to THAT scene!). Hello,
I know the film’s banned… but many bans have been quietly ‘'revoked',
no? (Think True Romance — that Christian Slater film. Or check the
new Rolling Stones compilation Forty Licks, aren’t Get Off My Cloud
and Wild Horses banned? Weren’t they?). I mean, Querelle was
Fassbinder’s last film before he committed suicide. Doesn’t that mean
anything? Guess not, 'cos it’s not about money or the economy.
Tell me then that Remaking Singapore, as usual, means rewriting the
value-systems with no questions asked (only pertinent ones will be for
the good of all, yes, yes, and by the people-loving press, I’m sure). So
how do we justify gay bath-houses in Singapore for the good of all family-loving Singaporeans? Not that I’m the least bit curious. (Save it for
your happy-in-hostage-and-waiting-for-the-next-order press, they’d certainly need it.) So who cares if Remaking Singapore is not about fixing
something broken, as long as it’s about this writer being right all along,
that’s enough for me.
Now, will we get to see Querelle on the local big screen at some
momentous festival on one of these future rainbow-colored days? Oops,
sorry I asked.
Nov, 02
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"ABSOLUTE POWER CORRUPTS"
The above quote is from Hedwig & The Angry Inch (of which Rolling
Stone hails: "Hedwig may just re-invent the rock musical").
No Hedwig for Singapore despite seven gay saunas beckoning, not
to mention another giant gay rave-event at Sentosa (3D on Nov 30)? No
worries, just blame it on unkeen distributors. It's the best "bumwhip"
cover-backside foil for these Merlion shores. After all, the authorities
have outrightly condoned bohemia. So what's a little bother like Hed- or
bum-wig?
As for the "absolute power" quote... It's to prove my ignorance in matters political. I'm sure some political figure/icon/whatever had proclaimed some such outcry about absolute power one time or other in the
political history of mankind. But would I know who it is? Of course not.
Truly, my bohemian interest extends only to Hedwig and the like. So
DON'T call me political for chrissakes. Not now, not ever. Get it right.
As for the implication of that quote on these durian-shores... urh, urh,
urh, urh... Sorry luv, that don't apply to us in Singapore. We've got two
opposition-party leaders in Parliament now. So what am I trying to say?
Well, don't worry Mr. Power-Holder, I'm merely doing my art-school
bohemian part to help forge the impression that there's truly dynamic
dialogue in our midst now. We're Singapore. And that means — we're
always covered!
ABSOLUTE POWER CORRUPTS APPLIES TO US NOT NOT
NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT
Dec, 02
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WORLD-CLASS CHAOS
“The battle for eyeballs is about to get more intense. A second player in
the multi-million dollar subscription TV market will break Starhub’s
monopolistic hold,” Today reported on Dec 4, 2002. I’m sure smart
Singaporeans are not holding their breath for the new so-called competition. We know the kind of competition referred to there, don’t we! I
mean why are Mediaworks stars like Kym Ng and Brendon Wong
STILL being featured in Mediacorp’s TV & radio weekly – 8 Days magazine ? In any true competition, ‘celebs’ from rival stations are never
featured in one’s in-house publication. Why aren’t Power 98’s Jeremy
Ratnam or Jason Chow of WKRZ featured in 8 Days’ radio-sections?
That should tell you everything about the kind of competition practised
within TV broadcasting here. In case some of you say – but
Mediaworks’ publication the Straits Times also features Mediacorp
artistes regularly, what! Let me remind you that The Straits Times is a
national newspaper not a lifestyle magazine. Eh, on second thoughts, I
could be wrong there!
“Crackdown on limousine-taxi touts. Drivers (are) banned from waiting near the limousine counter in Terminal 1,” The Straits Times reported in December. One upset limousine-taxi driver was quoted saying :
“We are treated like dirt, like third-class citizens. Pet dogs are allowed
to go anywhere in the airport, but we are not.” Somebody should inform
the poor driver that rules ARE rules, creative ideas to increase business
on an entrepreneurial charge aside. To help reinforce the view that ‘a rule
is a rule’, a Singaporean businessman was quoted saying : “This sort of
thing usually happens in a third-world country. It really paints an ugly
picture of Singapore.” Oh yeah, go tell them lurve. We surely do bend to
anything just so we won’t appear third-world. Notice the emphasis on
third-class and third-world even when it comes to implementing rules
here.
A certain Francis Lim writing from the UK to The Straits Times’
Forum - about the paper’s report that our education system draws “foreign compliments, local complaints” – said : “While it is undeniable that
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the education system in Singapore has contributed significantly to the
training of its citizens… it is also imperative to squarely recognise and
acknowledge the deficiencies of past education policies, especially the
charge of elitism. Continuous newspaper reports of praises would just
deflect the public’s attention from the crucial reforms at hand.” Nov 30,
2002).
Those of us (still) living here (- stayers, we’re called) surely do understand why praises continue to thrive in the papers everyday and why it’s
easy for ‘quitters’ working, say, in the UK to lose sight of our systemic
need for a balanced argument. Or simply - why we are actually all good
no bad… usually, that is. Improving the system is one thing, but forging
nation’s morality for nation-building purposes is surely another altogether. There! I’ve said it for the good of all. So let me be spared of another
BALANCED editorial comment in the press on the issue, okay!
“Enough. No more talks” – went the headline for a Forum-letter saying “Let’s discontinue the water talks (for Singapore to buy water from
Malaysia). Let’s not allow ourselves to be pushovers” (Dec 6, 2002).
What a laugh. Like as if we’ve ever allowed ourselves to be so. If we’ve
ever been, I’d like to know when, how and by whom. Wake up
Ms.Enough (-the letter-writer as I choose to call her), we’re Singapore generally known to be arrogant with world-class economic challenges to
our name. Not in your wildest uncovered backside dreams would we be
pushovers. (By the way, don’t we marvel at why these ‘conscientious
objectors’ views are picked for airing in the press?)
“A little chaos will give Singapore the buzz it needs. Singaporeans
in Hong Kong suggest 5C’s – chaos, creativity, culture, concentration,
connectivity – to inject life into the ‘boring’ country” – a report in the
Straits Times said (Dec 6, 2002). Eh, pur-leese. Can I just emphasize for
the good of all that we’re only ‘boring’ in inverted commas ! Those
“Singaporeans from Hong Kong” are no ordinary thinking humans but
part of SON (Singapore Overseas Network) of the ERC (Economic
Review Committee). So, understand dear all, that we’re only ‘boring’
from an economic point of view and not from a socio-cultural point of
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view. (There, I’ve said it for the good of all again on behalf of our
nation-propping press.)
And what a laugh (again) – instilling chaos in Singapore! WOW
(Wonderful Oracular Wisdom, can I just say!). The report also indicated
that “for starters, it (SON) recommends nurturing an individualistic,
adventurous and ‘dare-to-fail’ spirit in people”. Ho ho ho ho ho. Now,
how are we Singaporeans ever gonna grasp such a concept when Big
Brother’s invisible whip hovers over us to remind all to cover backside
(not to forget that a rule is a rule)? The ‘party whip’ has been known to
be lifted temporarily in Parliamentary debates and only because it serves
a certain given purpose. Besides, can Singaporeans handle a little chaos
when we can’t even be left to our own devices with an itsy bitsy piece
of chewing gum?
However, others may counter-argue that we do have our nice little
bit of chaos amidst our buzzing culture now. For example – “Breakdancers strut their stuff in an underpass. They always have to change
locations because security guards chase them out of each spot” (The
Straits Times, Dec 10, 02). I can just see readers responding to say “Let
the children play”. While another might chip in as a follow-up to caution
“Still we must make sure they pose no obstruction to others…” And so
it goes, the you-know-I-know song-&-dance of our funky new openness.
As for being “individualistic”… Oh, I see. Individualistic – the
Singapore way! Of course - the manufactured kind. How silly of me to
be knee-jerk apprehensive about it. When it comes to creating anything,
nothing can stop the buzz for Singapore. Why? Cos we’ve got the pillarpropping-ganda dailies. Simply say and it shall be so.
Just read the mag.
Jan, 03
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UNGRACIOUS ? HOW DYNAMIC !
“The Thai Journalists Association said in its annual report that the (Thai)
government used sophisticated and subtle means to co-opt the media in
2002,” The Nation in Bangkok reported on Jan 3, 03.
Familiar?
Of course, not! If Thailand is emulating our system, it has (like Malaysia)
much-much more to learn. Firstly, OUR journalist-association (if we have
one) would never say such a thing about our Government. Besides, our
Government resorts to “sophisticated and subtle means to co-opt the
media”? NEVER! We don’t ever need to resort to such asinine tactics. Ours
is a system born solely of love - as in, paternalism, honey, and with enough
of it to make the media WANT to uphold the pillars of society on its own
accord.
It’s a little disturbing to note that the Thais have forgotten something so
fundamental to their nature as ‘free-will’ and ‘own accord’. But then, even
concerned members of OUR public can sometimes forget the obvious too.
“Public transport is a basic necessity of the masses, the lifeblood that
moves resources. It should not come with the added cost of unnecessary
technology and automation (like having a driver-less system on the NorthEast MRT line),” a reader wrote in to the Straits Times’ Forum on Jan 27,
03.
One wrong assumption there, luv. “The lifeblood that moves resources”
on these shores is not the masses but, of course, the Govt. So consider it not
unreasonable that more money has to be…well, tapped for running the new
MRT line. Ungracious? Of course, not. How dare anyone even think of
accusing…
But wait, maybe there’s no need for me…for us to get all defensive now.
The word is finally out. “Come on, Govt., don’t be stingy with praises” –
Mrs. Tisa Ng, present president of the Association of Women for Action &
Research, bemoaned in the Straits Times (Jan 24, 03). Professor Tommy
Koh, our Ambassador-At-Large, responded to Ng’s plea with this very daring statement: “The Singapore Govt. is very ungracious”.
Oh dear-dear. I do hope my citing this will not cause the sweet professor
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to be sidelined. I mean, my diehard-readers will surely remember the fate of
Koh Buck Song, Tan Sai Siong and even the minister who said that OBmarkers cannot be defined, after they were quoted in the X’Ho-Files. I
mean, what’s happened to those public figures’ high profile now?
A friend of mine says there’s no need to fear for the sweet professor in
today’s more-than-funky climate. It’s a little tactic to let Singaporeans know
that our Gov. is graciously owning up to whatever needs owning up to, even
ungraciousness itself. But then, she could be wrong, that’s why I fear.
Afterall, it’s not funny being marginalised on these ardent-for-praise-singing
shores. Me, I’m so taken in by what the papers say, my mind is working in
even stranger ‘praise-singing’ ways.
“Woman nabbed for selling porn videos – a Chinese national tried to bribe
an off-duty police with $300, when she was caught with pornographic
VCDs. She was unable to produce valid travel documents to substantiate her
entry status. She was charged with illegally entering Singapore and peddling
pornographic VCDs.” (ST, Jan 26, 03).
My response to that is - I sure hope those poor starving folks in China,
when they read the report, will nontheless still wanna come to Singapore for
a means of living. I hope they don’t think that our system wants to keep out
Chinese nationals. We already have an alarming number of immigrantChinese in our midst…So yeah, from that, what I deduce is – we want YOU,
China-Chinese, Hong Kong-Chinese…whatever-Chinese.
And please, don’t think that a little petty crime you commit will repel us
so. On the contrary, who else can we count on to create that exquisite little
chaos in our kiasu-midst? It’s nice to have obedient citizens on the one hand,
but what can we show for a little World Class Chaos to achieve that funky
dynamism of a swinging new gracious Singapore? (See last month’s X’HoFiles on World Class Chaos.)
“Now ‘no’ to agreement (on selling water). Later ‘no’ to independence?”
– went the headline for Chua Lee Hoong’s essay on how water-talks has
soured in the issue of Malaysia selling water to Singapore (ST, Jan 26, 03).
“(We) ask the Malaysians to name a price – a reasonable price. They won’t.
They name one price today, ratchet it up 10 times a few months later. Sixty
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sen becomes RM 6.25. They don’t really want to resolve this issue,”
explained Chua.
So, the fluctuating price from Malaysia is, I take it, a little like the state
of our ERP pricing? As in 7.30 am – 50 cents, 8 am - $1.50, and 8.05 am (!)
- $2.50! I thought the whole rationale is – you want to use, you pay, lor!
Maybe we’ve forgotten that the Malaysians don’t have to concede to OUR
well-regulated system. Besides, we shouldn’t stretch the argument to Changi
Airport to ask - what if ‘no’ to independence? The Malaysians, we must
remember, are not obedient Singapore citizens.
Oh, one more thing. Ong Sor Fern wrote in her essay on censorship:
“More than just relying on the State to decide what to ban or not to ban, the
populace need to acknowledge their own individual responsibilities – in
terms of exercising judgement, and striking a balance between tolerance and
respect for others – when it comes to censorship.” (ST, Jan 26, 03)
I know some of you may be tempted to say in response– Oh purlese, what
is she really addressing? Indeed, Ong’s call for Singaporeans to (re)claim
some self-empowerment is way too subtle for the kiasu-populace to grasp.
Consider me old-fashion, but what happened to the good old father of all
rationale - paternalism? If it’s history, let it be bluntly declared so (as in “the
Govt. is ungracious”, that sort of directness. That’s how mindsets can only
be changed. Just ask the professor).
Let’s face it, we do need to be told every, and I mean every, which way
to think - with little beating ‘round the bush for the desired effect, thank you.
Feb, 03
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LICKING BLOWS FOR THE BIG PROP
Ever wondered who are the finest citizens of Singapore? Answer : no
doubt about it, they are the editors of our national press.
“Everyone has a horror story,” Kelvin Tong said in his column In
Transit about Singaporeans’ lack of civility (Straits Times, Feb 4, 03).
His editor(s) had used the following as a blurb for his story:
“Singaporeans need to realise it’s time they start being nice to one another again if they want to be able to tide over these hard (economic) times
together.” (So what, less need for courtesy once hard times are over?)
Tong urged our dear fellow citizens to practise courtesy cos it’s “for free,
so let us splurge” (what a flaw in argument, Singaporeans can’t be fooled
that something can be free!). Of course we know what he’s talking about
– the pedestrian rudeness of our people. His editor(s), however, believe
in describing it in a more civil way : “Stop being sullen, Singapore” –
was the headline for Tong’s essay. How sullenly put! I’m sure no one
cushions blows better than our editors of the national press. (I wouldn’t
call it just their job, when it’s more a case of shelf life!) They are, surely, the finest specimens of nation-propping Singaporeans.
Look, others are also getting in on the act : “PSA to lay off staff in
bid to stay competitive” (a headline on Straits Times’ front-page). I
guess the truth is - when NGOs lay off staff, they’re simply in the red.
PSA, too, hasn’t lost sight of the big prop.
On that matter, there was this Insight-piece in the Straits Times on
Feb 22, 2003 written by Paul Jacob. The headline for it went – “We
sayang you too, Dr. Mahathir”. In the article, Jacob likened the
Malaysian Prime Minister’s jibes at Singapore to “street entertainers of
old who could spin a good yarn”. Not that we remember what those
entertainers are like since they’ve long disappeared from the face of our
urban-development Singapore. (I mean, I’ve heard it said that if you,
yourself, dare spin a derogatory yarn about our city-state for all to hear
in the Chinatown coffee-shops, some commonly-dressed blokes will
come ‘round with a cautionary word and some ID-checking.)
Anyway, Jacob pointed out that these ‘street entertainers of old’ are
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the sort “telling tales…that will make the crowd forget their daily hardships, distract them from the state of their country’s economy, for that
brief time at least”. Funny he should demean such tactics cos I thought
they’re precisely the stuff that nation-building is made of. He also added,
not un-ironically, “I’ve also heard that in those places, you can’t get
away easily with slagging off their leaders”. Yeah, we should know.
Then came the finger-lickingly delicious thrust of the Insight-piece :
“Mr.Goh Chok Tong is one of the best-loved, if not the most liked,
politicians here.” (I should hope so, otherwise, why is he our leader?,
But, of course, that’s not the point for exemplary citizens’ lickingly good
show of support.) “Mr.Goh himself mentioned that grassroots leaders
said Singaporeans should do something. Boycott Malaysia perhaps. But
it’s a measure of the man and his office that he didn’t say, ‘Let’s do it!’,”
Jacob declared. That’s precisely the point of Jacob’s role in all of this,
isn’t it!
But in this case, his over-zealousness received a ‘strategic’ slap in the
face – for how can we ever allow such undiplomatic views to be uttered
quite so shamelessly on our oh-so-diplomatic shores. Hence, the putdown from our PM’s Press Secretary the following day in the Straits
Times : “I refer to the article by Mr. Paul Jacob yesterday. The article
was in poor taste. It is an example of the type of articles that the media,
on both sides of the causeway, should avoid. Whatever others may say
about us, it is better to reply in a dignified manner and set the record
straight by stating the facts.” (And when it comes to the facts in
Singapore, who’s to argue?)
But no worries, Jacob, we see your well-intentioned, institutionalservice as something rather noble in these parts, albeit a little too
enthused. I’m sure our PM knows it too, just that protocol calls for the
right measures from the man, you understand.
When the pushed pen comes to Jacob’s shove, I’m sure our master
recognises him as a shining example of sheer hardcore nationalistic rant.
And that’s all that matters. But I bet Jacob already knows that. Just gotta
work that bit harder to move from Insight (in the Home section of the
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paper) to the Comment/Analysis in the main paper, dear chum. (Shelf
life, darling, shelf life!)
Mar, 03
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SCISSOR, SISTERS & BROTHERS !
“Litigation is not the way to go” – the President of the Singapore Dental association said in the Straits Times’ Forum (Mar 20, 03).
Ironic that the head of folks dealing with teeth should make such a remark
considering that our masters with teeth are prone to believe and practise otherwise. Sigh. Such is the truth about symbolism-watching on these shores: a
pain (and a tooth-ache) to those who see. Moral of the story is – we should
never look at the mouth. Besides, poet Alfian Sa’at thinks we ain’t got one
anyway. (We’ve only got mouthpieces…but what a-plenty at that!)
So Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones was looking forward to playing
in Singapore again (ST, Mar 20, 03). Wonder if he knows that Sticky Fingers
is (still) banned (if it’s been un-banned, we’re not told). Oh, and about how
he heard firecrackers the previous time the Stones came to Singapore during
Chinese New Year, maybe somebody should tell him that funky as we are
now, it ain’t ever gonna happen anymore. We may be loud but we don’t come
with that kind of a bang!
Just when you thought I’m always overstating my gripes – like the one
about David Cronenberg’s The Naked Lunch being snipped to pass with a
PG-rating on these shores many years ago, along come the latest scissorworks on Chicago and The Hours to appall film-buffs and prove my
point…again. 11 cuts were made on Chicago to delete scenes of a couple
humping (fully clothed) and for a line in a song mentioning “screwing”. In
The Hours, all the scenes where the three female leads kissed another woman
were cut. Justified?
Sure. The censors have a job to do, and who’s to argue about the rules laid
down by the authorities in relation to protecting ASIAN FAMILY VALUES,
especially those against homosexuality. Besides, in our cover-backside system, the censors have a great ‘excuse’ – the distributors of the two films had
pushed for a PG-rating, mah. But even if The Hours were granted an R(A)rating, the kissing scenes between females would still be censored because
R(A) doesn’t mean suspending censorship. Now, ‘clever’ Singaporeans are
referring to The Hours as “that lesbian movie”.
For a country like Singapore, which constantly aims for transparency to
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maintain an upright system, the law against homosexuality (even between
consenting adults) is baffling. Baffling because if the law believes that homosex (-the activity) is a crime against nature and society, why then are half-adozen gay saunas ALLOWED to thrive in our midst?
That’s like declaring gambling to be illegal yet closing one eye to a handful of favorite gamblers’ haunts. (The officials don’t know? Are they that
inefficient?). In the name of righteous transparency, it just doesn’t gel. Or, are
the reasons for the ‘liberal prohibition’ really economic to begin with? – as in
retaining our nation’s ‘pink’ dollar, not to mention attracting the foreign ones.
Fine if it is. But don’t belabor us with the morality issue. It’s very tiresome
and - read my lips - painfully hypocritical.
The Hours!
For a film like The Hours made with adult-themes, surely we have the cow
sense for it to be restricted to adult viewing. But no, the distributors here
believe it can appeal to all (we know that to mean wanting to reap bigger
profits at the box-office). So that’s like the same rationale for The Naked
Lunch going PG a decade ago. The Naked Lunch – PG! How intelligent. And
with The Hours, how we’ve progressed!
But…
Alas-alas. I realise how wrong my above arguments are. All the censorship and PG-preferences made on Chicago and The Hours are more than justified and valid. Why? Simply because Singapore truly believes in doing
things for our young. We love them so much we don’t want to deprive them
of viewing those Oscar movies. Our future leaders should be let in on a good
picture. Let no youngster be afraid of Virginia Woolf, especially since we are
now all about PROMOTING the ARTS.
So let’s hear it for the scissors!
April, 03
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LOOK HERE BIG-BIG (THE UNITED STRAITS OF WHATEVER)
“The (Thai) government has turned Thailand into a country of fear by
abusing its power, suppressing free will, interfering with independent bodies and the media, and even taking the law into its own hands” - the
Bangkok Post reported what speakers at a political discussion in Thailand
said (Mar 5, 03). Just thought my X’Ho-Files readers might wanna read
an unpeculiar piece of news.
Someone wrote in to our Straits Times’ Forum highlighting what he
noticed at our Senior Minister’s forum with undergraduates: “It is a matter of grave and urgent concern that the best and brightest Singaporean
youths in the universities have very few questions to ask the SM. The fact
that most of the questions were from foreign students lent strong support
and credence to SM Lee’s earlier reference to foreign youths as being
‘hungrier and more driven to get ahead’.
“Our students generally lack soul and passion for things outside the syllabus of examinations. They show little curiosity about things and events
in their proximate communities and the world. At the societal level, this
lack of curiosity in young people also means the lack of imagination, and
a complete inability to visualize any life but their own. It breeds a selfish
‘me-first’ attitude as they cannot recognize their responsibility for their
less able and less fortunate fellows in society.”
(First of all, can I just say, in learned nation-propping terms, our students are probably born that way, it’s through no fault of the system, okay!
But what of that ‘responsibility’ spoken about there? Has it anything to do
with our system of meritocracy? But I digress…)
Based on the observation made above, I would say that Singaporeans
are the most ‘nationalistic’ people in the world. Why? Simply because if
those ‘ailments’ cited had been detected in another country, its natives
would have stood up with a damning cry, such as - I have seen the best
minds of my generation gone down the tubes. (The tube in Singapore is
literally where all sights and minds go.) But here in Singapore, we really
‘stand by our man’-agers and descry nothing. That’s only because we
know how to practise constructive criticism (other countries, it seems,
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don’t). So how can I not be proud of Singaporeans?
So the top gun himself has finally popped the question big-big: Are
young Singaporeans committed enough to fight for a better Singapore? (Is
he trying to undermine his own paternalistic government who’ll look after
everything? Just wondrin’.) Some minor top gun had already hinted at
such a question not long ago in the form of ‘Are you ready to die for your
country?’
Of course it’s a pertinent question, especially when the tag to the question asserts that if they (the young ones) don’t, then “no one else will”
(Straits Times, Feb 19, 03). Damn right, we know there are just the young
ones left now. The older ones surely have tasted enough sweeping paternalism, numbing double standards and lived through enough ballot-numbers on voting slips to simply look after no.1 –the big-big moolah! Ask
those older ones to die for their country and they’d surely nod away nervously lest there’s a punitive clause in the law to prosecute anyone with a
negative reply. Yes, we’re very law-by-law.
In case you’re wondering what double standards? Well, for one, sex
between homosexuals (even between consenting adults) is still a crime but
half a dozen gay saunas, with dark rooms and no-towel nights, are
ALLOWED to thrive in our midst. It’s painfully hypocritical, may I just
say AGAIN!
So yeah, it’s certainly left to the young. Future leaders, darling, future
leaders…We love you so much we’re doing everything, and we mean anything, we can to make sure you wanna take over as leaders tomorrow. Cos
contrary to what we previously ignored, the gods do have to die one day.
(I think it is called crossing the heavenly-gate once we get to it.)
So young ones (sing Cliff Richard, sing) don’t be afraid. Besides,
you’re the only ones too young to remember good old paternalism and
how intolerant we once were of funky youth culture. Simply take it as - we
love you now, your youth-everything - your Linken Park, Eminem, skateboards…. Really. We’ve got all the proof you need.
Remember that Janet Jackson album Janet and its BANNED-bySingapore cover-pic of Janet’s bare-breast being clasped by another pair
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of hands from behind? Well, in case we haven’t screamed through a MITA
memo of a (quiet) revoke of the ban, such a pictorial concept is fine by us
now. We’re hip with it! We didn’t even chastise the Sunday Times for
coming up with a reprint of some newlyweds’ ‘nude’ pic using the same
pictorial concept. See! We kid you not.
Picture this. Intolerant yesterday but
funky tomorrow! Say, maybe we should
get Ah-Do to record such a catch-phrase
for next year’s Sing Singapore. C’mon,
let’s dance the funky durian together!
Besides-besides, when apathy pervades
the air we breathe, mere motivation
itself is everything. So c’mon, let’s
shake it, shake it, baby.
On us not staging “large anti-war demonstrations and protests in the
streets here”, a Straits Times reader wrote to the paper to say:
“Singaporeans should speak up in their own way” (Straits Times, Feb 26,
03). Hello! Look here. LOOK HERE BIG-BIG! I’m someone speaking up
in my own way. Ah, but I’m sure there are those who consider my kind of
speaking up as ranting. Well, lest you think it’s no different from, say, filmmaker Michael Moore’s put-down of President Bush at the Oscars’, let me
assure you, it’s different. Moore spoke in the name of the Fifth
Amendment. I write in the spirit of kiasu-ism, farce, muted free speech
and Supercilious Paternalism. (Did someone utter benign fascism? Just
asking.)
Actually, it’s not enough to urge Singaporeans to simply speak up. They
should also be told HOW! (On that point, see chapter 92 of my book
Attack Of The SM Space Encroachers.) And please, don’t consider it a
farce to do so. Nation-building in Singapore can never be a farce.
On how to instruct people to speak up… Make it very blatant, the ways
of J.B.Jeyaratnam, Chee Soon Juan, Francis Seow and co. are NOT the
way. And we really want you guys (-the people) to speak up, in that,
y’know, obedient way. So, it helps to get a license first, just like at
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Speakers’ Corner. Start there to begin with. It’s sanctioned grounds for
speaking. Not at, say, the Istana. Cos look what’s happened to another
Singapore Democratic Party leader Ghandi Ambalan. He’s now barred
from the next General Elections because he was “trying to provide unlicensed public entertainment at the Istana grounds on Labour Day last
year”. And he was only trying to “entertain”. Imagine if he was trying to
speak up!
But no worries, the ‘finest’ species of Singaporeans among us has cast
heartening light on the day’s concern and with comforting figures to boot!
Tan Tarn How in his report in the Straits Times (Mar 7, 03) noted that “800
sign anti-war petition in Singapore”. (This was before the Gov. declared
support for the war in Iraq; so please don’t mistake Tan for a anti-Gov. dissident, okay!) So worry not, Singaporeans, there’s always ST to the rescue. For whatever…whenever. We’re the United Straits Of Whatever (sing
it, Liam Lynch!). I’d say, let’s not even worry about unquestioning young
minds and fighting for a better future, the papers will take care of everything. I’m sure you already know that anyway.
Chua Lee Hoong in waxing lyrical about Budget 2003 said; “How
many realize fully that the Budget is not about putting money into individual pockets but about maintaining national economic health?” (Straits
Times, Mar 5, 03). Well, I did! (Not that I follow these things). I did
because I know instinctively that the Budget cannot be for the individual.
Besides-besides, “putting money into individual pockets…”? Even I
know it’s not Elections time yet.
May, 03
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TIME TO ACKNOWLEDGE FEAR & PARANOIA LER-MEH?
“Little wonder then, that residents rush through void decks/Back to the
cramped comforts of home/as if in fear of what such open space might
do/To cosy minds.”
- Alfian Sa’at, Void Deck.
“If I am paranoid/I have learnt it from you.”
- Alfian Sa’at, Singapore, You’re Not My Country.
Ai-yah, learnt-learnt, lor. People who understand the importance of
a stable economic and political system will know that’s just a small
price to pay in the bargain. What price? The Alfian Sa’at contention of
‘fear’ and ‘paranoia’, lor.
So…
So, isn’t it cosmic and poetic that we should now have – the crisis
of fear, stemming from the biggest crisis of them all, SARS (severe
acute respiratory syndrome). “The return of Chinese dialects on
TV…was welcome. What really matters is getting SARS information
across to dialect-speaking people so that they know what steps they can
take to be socially responsible.” (Straits Times, May 5, 03). That’s how
much of a crisis SARS is; even breaking the dialect-taboo.
“The PM (on) what he called Singapore’s worst crisis since independence – the crisis of fear over SARS...” (Straits Times, Apr 24, 03).
Eh…different kind of fear from the Alfian Sa’at one?
Oh go on, drop on the floor, just pick up more sand and justify ‘til
the cows come home, lor. When school kids were first given the thermometer test in a SARS prevention-drive, we were told by the statesman that the kids would then also be learning a thing or two about body
temperature and how to use a thermometer, etc.
No, we can’t just say it’s a necessary precautionary measure cos if
we do, the ignoramus would somehow equate it with hoodwinking.
Why, hah?
Sigh.
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Terminal justification – pointed persuasion or rationalized regimentation? It’s staring at you all the time in the morning paper. “SARS
quarantine – use it to get to know family better,” some earnest lady suggested in the Straits Times’ Forum on Mar 29, 03. Oh yeah, instructional time again and with that fitting paternalistic tone of justification,
moo! Our people need to be told, mah.
Don’t laugh but here’s the ludicrous extent of that letter’s ‘instructional’ stand – “Take out old board and card games which require the
family to interact as they play. Have a good laugh as you brainstorm and
make up new games too. After a meal, read together from a good book.
Do your own book-to-movie conversion. Or do spoofs of your favorite
TV programs or commercials….”
I see one word in all of that – Stepford. It’s so obvious why
Singaporeans deserve Channel 8 and 5, isn’t it? You think I’m over-stating the instruction-for-the-ignoramus case? The Ministry of
Community Development & Sports is distributing a pamphlet to neighborhood clinics with a message that ain’t medical at all. ‘Love Our
Children – Discipline, Not Abuse’ is the headline. Inside it are tips on
disciplining a child and managing your anger. Gotta tell them EVERYTHING, What to do, how to shit, what to hold back, etc.
Coming back to SARS…
“Why take the risk? Find ways to live with bug…Fever-struck minister keeps distance. Even simple steps can help.”(ST, Apr 7, 03). Sure,
sure. Lead-by-example, suddenly, takes on a new fervor on these
shores. To me, it’s more like rub-in the common sense cos we ain’t got
much of it to begin with. (Nevermind that they’re hoping for us to be
dynamic and entrepreneurial).
You can well imagine how I ‘languish’ in the ‘fever’ of our terrible
crisis. Finally, we are forced to take a long hard look at our system of
immoderate regimentation and see how it has subverted personal initiative all this while. And how WE DIDN’T GIVE A FUCK BEFORE,
COS FATHER KNOWS BEST! So now, how?
Of course, have to regulate some more, lor. Like fines/jail-term for
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people who break quarantine…Of course, we’ve got to. Singaporeans
know zilch about social responsibility and civic-mindedness because
with a system of law-by-law, we don’t need to use our head, mah.
“Ridiculed for wearing masks,” cried one poor conscientious
Singaporean in the Straits Times’ Forum (Apr 10, 03). Seriously, am I
surprised?
Oh, you can imagine the joyful space granted to me, each time I
wear a mask on the MRT train these days. Finally, restrained spaceencroachment behavior. Hallelujah, the crisis of fear.
Another thing.
In the past, whenever the Gov. stepped in to make a stand, our
angkat-heavy press would always follow up with a timely ‘social-building chide’ – “Why must Singaporeans turn to Gov. for everything?” To
me, that’s like saying – ‘Yes, our sweet masters will always do their
part, so please follow orders given. But feel you are also acting
autonomously cos with our chiding-cue now, you are, therefore, using
your head to question the instruction’s relevance in order to act on
orders from above. In other words, be comforted that you acted not out
of mere compliance but a well-thought-out rationale. See how important our role is between you, the layman, and them, the statesmen!”.
Well, the press wouldn’t dare use that kind of ‘jolting’ reminder this
time around in our SARS crisis. How nice to be spared ONE morningtime manipulation.
Hey, defensive press, no need to get super-defensive on me. You
think I’m the only one spelling out our follies for all to see? Even one
minister, not long ago, had the gumption to say - “We depended too
much on a command and control mode”. Just that he said it ever so delicately. I would also state my contentions sweetly if I have the kind of
patience and tolerance as he does in a system of sweeping control and
insidious subjugation (see chapter 91 of my book The Attack Of The
SM Space Encroachers). A system that breeds distrust, indignation and
hostility; not to mention, fear and paranoia. So get your perspective on
me right when buttering up the right backsides.
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In the Straits Times Commentary/Analysis on Apr 25, 03, a senior
writer with the paper wrote - “Singapore’s crisis of fear goes deeper
than SARS”. Oh, you betcha. I rest my SARS(castic) case.
Jun, 03
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‘ OK SINGAPORE ’ ? AS IN SPIT-SHINE FINE ?
Front page of the Straits Times on May 24, 2003: “DPM Lee answers
critics of (ministers’) 10% pay cut” (being “too small”). Next to it: “Lee
Family auction for charity” with a picture of the old Senior Minister. I
have to say that I feel older – cos I looked at the headline and thought it
read “action for charity”. However, a siow friend of mine says “auction
for charity” and “action for charity” are closely similar so it’s fine to
confuse the two.
“Fuck you becos I loved you/Fuck you for loving it too,” Marilyn
Manson sings in the new album The Golden Age Of Grotesque. Rejoice
all ye rockers. The album is not banned here in Singapore! This is truly
a sign of us being hip and funky and swinging towards the young. Now,
go do your thing, rockers. But be sure to do right.
Just two months ago, artistic-director of Theatreworks Tan Tarn How
called for “artistes to be civil society actors”. Tan must have been trying
to follow up on some old man’s belief that everyone is scum and therefore likely to misbehave. Hence, the need for local artistes to be exemplary role-models, as in ‘do the right thing’, babe, and just do it for society. Cos being famous can make you take a ‘left’, believe you have more
power and influence than statesmen, forget that you are just a
Singaporean subjected to Singaporean codes of conduct, etc
I was flattered that Tan’s team invited me to attend (that’s how innocent they are)– I who had just, shortly before, announced to the public
that my new band is named Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz. Coincidence? (Yes,
we know.) However, I had promised to celebrate Mothers’ Day with my
mom that day so I couldn’t attend. A long time ago, I’ve been taught that
father-paternal means little. Anyway, I’m father-less (read: a love child).
But mothers! Even a Mandarin pop standard says– “In this world, only
the mother is the best”. Confucius might agree.
Since I am already well taught on doing right, I guess you could say
(in the words of Randy Newman) – Mama Told Me Not To Come. So
don’t ask me about the outcome of that meeting at Theatreworks.
Anyway, I believe we should all be civil society citizens rather than just
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“civil society actors”. But that’s a quibble. Mustn’t mar the work of the
estimable new arts-leaders with the ‘focas’ to point the way to a modern
“dissent” (as they call it) that’s so totally in order (maybe that should be
– on order). Truly, they even go so far to say, “dissent is democracy”!
(Tell that to Chee Soon Juan, lurve.) So let’s not go there. Enough prefab-everything already. Not prefab in the ‘co-opt’ department?
What follows their “dissent is democracy” motto is a couple of referenced web-sites: thehungersite.com and therainforestsite.com. Ah, so,
that’s the nature of their dissent!!! What? No Singapore-window.org or
escapefromparadise.com? So, understand the magnanimous breath of
their nation-propping “dissent”, hor. As for the “democracy” part, I
thought we’ve got “what works for the Singapore system” down pat? So
why are some ‘young flies’ trying to ‘buzz’ the deal? Buzzin’ for
buzzin’s sake?
Another thing, I hope these civil society actors will really make a difference and not just become civil society puppets (read: ‘civil’ servants
of social agendas). I mean, I had long written about, say, the social disgrace of spitting indiscriminately (see chapter four of my book Attack Of
The SM Space Encroachers as an example). But no one cared until
SARS hit. Ok-ok, spitting fines already existed. Donch worry, our system always knows how to cover its backside. So you mean to say without SARS, it’s more ok to spit?
Then there’s the problem of cycling/skating-collision at recreational
parks. Even the Straits Times noted on its front page (June 11, 03) that
“such accidents are a common occurrence here because park users –
cyclists, inline skaters and pedestrians –are not adhering to safety rules”.
“Safety rules” for park users? Is there such a thing, beyond mere common sense and basic civility? Sounds to me more like A-B-C-talk for
‘digits’ who only know how to play by the rules and know nothing about
space-encroachment in Singapore. In other words, for a symptomdepressant to tackle the problem, I’d say go with the papers’ wake-up
call on “safety rules”. But if you want the real cure, read Attack Of The
SM Space Encroachers.
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Above the collision report that same day was this front-page headline
– “Health & travel: Tell the truth. Patients who lie to doctors about their
health condition and travel history can be fined up to $10,000 and jailed
six months”. There’s your answer to help explain the collision problem.
Cos here-here, my dear, it isn’t really ok-Singapore but ok-because-it’sall-compulsion, Singapore. So unless some regimentation-order is
imposed on park-users, how are they to know how to behave?
Our authorities may end up having to see to EVERY aspect of life in
everyday Singapore, but seriously, don’t they know how far Paternalism
goes? We’re digits not for nothing, you know! Ah… Seems like the
authorities are claiming complete innocence on the matter now.
“Singaporeans must learn not to expect the Gov. to come to their aid at
every turn, provide all the answers or solve all their problems” (ST, June
12, 03). Or in short, “Use your brain!” as one timely ST editorial points
out (June 18, 03). It’s time to look after yourselves… FOR A CHANGE.
Surely a telling self-indictment of how gray matter had, all this while,
been sidelined.
In other words, yesterday’s sweeping Paternalism has now been rendered void. Not that it won’t dictate your life again suddenly in the
future. But donch worry, when it does, the papers will sing praises of it
‘til you’re so convinced you won’t remember it’s been annulled. So,
agendas? Merely 360 degrees of separation.
And hey-hey, they’re now saying maybe the System should do away
with OB markers. Never mind that they once said OB markers cannot be
defined cos if you choose to define them, others will play around that
definition and say they are not breaking the law. So what if OB-markers
are abolished? They weren’t even defined in the first place! Abolishing
something that is and isn’t really there is just another 360 degrees of separation, if you ask me. The whole point is to have you think that in
Remaking Singapore, Singapore IS ok. (Yeah, how’s that for sheer symmetry: ‘is’ in capital can also mean internal security!).
Art-thinkers, if you really want to hold them to their word, merely
seek out the loopholes of, say, the Political Films Act. Let’s see how far
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you can go with your artistic endeavors against so-called loosened markers. Be careful now. Once again, they were NOT defined in the first
place (see chapter 49 of my book Attack Of the SM Space Encroachers).
Don’t end up being in the wrong end of ‘court & art’!
By the way, if those civil society-whatevers really want to enlighten
our digit-population, simply go through my books. Warning: the social
ills I wrote about may not be relevant to SARS or any collision-course.
Just don’t accuse me of not being provisional towards authorities’ pressing agendas, hor.
These days, you get to read about not Extraordinary People but A Life
Less Ordinary in the papers (note the subtle same-difference). One
Sunday in late May, there was a write-up about a man who crossdressed, was pronounced a transsexual, backed out of a sex-change and
wrote a book on sexually confused people. Tell me if the System is not
subtly telling our marginalised folks not to feel too marginalised.
If that’s the case, I have to stress for the 25th time that although half
a dozen gay saunas are thriving in our midst now (and it’s not as if our
authorities don’t know), the laws against homosexuality and oral-sex
still exist here. Just in case? Other countries also have these laws? In
other words, kiasu is as kiasu does, lor. And really, we’re still as kiasu
as ever then.
Trust me to notice the juxtaposition of a subtle message in the papers
that Sunday. In that story A Life Less Ordinary, the headline was “Freed
From Sex” (that’s in the Life! section of the Sunday Times, May 25, 03).
In the main section that same day, the big headline on the front page was
- “Do Not Disturb: Babies In The Making”. (Next to it was a picture of
a bi-racial hetero couple frolicking in a foam bath in Sentosa.) Naturally,
the whole point is - sex is okay when it serves to procreate. Otherwise,
free yourself from it, if need be. Readers, be sure to get the forthcoming
Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz CD when it’s out. There’s a lyric in it that says,
“We’re really scared of sex/unless to boost the stats”. In other words, the
better transparent truth…only from yours truly, of course.
And notice this lovely bit of irony. The freed-from-sex/sexually
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reformed writer’s book is titled Freedom Of Choice. What freedom of
choice in Singapore? Exactly. We may rejoice in the fact that people here
don’t die at the hands of gun-toting Mafia and gangsters, but any thinking Singaporean knows that we will never have someone like filmmaker Michael Moore in our midst.
One of Moore’s antics in his documentary Bowling For Columbine,
which calls for greater arms-control in America, was to bring two victims of gun-assault to a K-Mart store (licensed to sell ammunition) to
help them return the bullets that maimed them some time back. In doing
so, he also attracted a legion of journalists and photographers to witness
the proceeding. The protest did convince K-Mart to discontinue selling
firearms.
Now, if someone in Singapore attempts such a Moore-antic, I dare
say he’ll be arrested the moment he reaches the supermart – for inciting
public unrest, not to mention – unlawful assembly (which I’m sure
America doesn’t have as a felony charge, dear). Hypothetically only, of
course, since we live by the glory of having no firearms in everyday
retail. Moore would love our city for that. But then, unlike the more civilized Canadians whom the Oscar-winning filmmaker admires, we (safe
as we are) do lock our doors all the time because, to borrow the words
of local poet Alfian Sa’at, “we are an island of walls”.
Not only that, we also have “blacklists with water sleeves” (love the
Chinese-opera imagery there, Alfian). Therefore, when I read in the
newspaper that “US shrugs off growing global hatred” (ST June 9, 03),
my immediate response was – maybe the US has also learned to figuratively build a skate- and youth-park to help mask the hate. Only those
who don’t understand our system enough would have no such mental
recourse for all the sleight-of-hand rationalizations handed down to
them.
Oh, and I doubt if Moore could stomach our “men in egosuits and
pubicwigs” (another nice one, Alfian), considering that he did say
“Shame on you, Mr. President” in his Oscar-acceptance speech. Yes,
let’s not forget, they do have the right of free speech in America. So,
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“freedom of choice”?
Speakers’ Corner may bask in splashy, fulfilled greenery waiting for
the next register-to-speak sucka, but you – my thinking readers – and I,
naturally, understand what freedom is and what it means to live with our
heads up high, holding on to whatever shred of dignity and freedom
we’ve got (left). While the rest around here…they think they’ve got all
the freedom of choice they could possibly need. After all, that’s what this
place would like for them to believe. Well, simply see it in all their faces.
That furtive and oh-so-Singapore look of the indignant SCOWL. Says it
ALL, lurve.
Or is that just their unique look of a “sullen” ok?
Jul, 03
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USE YOUR BRAIN TO COVER YOUR BUTT, IT’S HOMO TIME !
( Donch forget, sex not included )
“Hong Kongers 50,000. Tung 0. People power in Hong Kong. Half a million Hong Kongers marched against Tung. Communist China’s HK has
more democracy than democratic Singapore” – BigO’s Mirror Of Opinion
boldly offers.
No worries, Master. It’s National Day-month. So let me display an
unprecedented feat of nationalism by doing what even your Mui Hoongs,
Latifs and Jacobs can never do – bite the hand that feeds for the sake of
fierce nationalism. Here it goes.
BigO, you think your simplistic equation of 500,000 against 0 is oh-soeffective, meh? Let me bring on my ST (sound-&-timely) equation that
speaks the louder truth: Straits Times’ readership 400,000. BigO 0. Now,
is that a double O or is that a 00? Hehe hoho. See, as the Hollywood
actress Cher said, “it’s a dirty job being ridiculous, but I’ll do it”. Over
here, only I would.
Front-page headline on July 8, 03 of the Straits Times: “party revolt
forces HK chief to shelve (anti-sedition) Bill.” See, that’s what you get
when you choose people-freedom and unrefined democracy over judicious governance. How to move a country forward like dat? That’s why
unlike HK, we’re not just an isle but a real COUNTRY. A real REPUBLIC. We’re reeling everyday in our unrivalled political cohesion and
grandeur. Give us time to recover sikit-sikit and we’ll even say – ECONOMIC grandeur.
“Jobless Headache” – went the headline on a ST report on President
Bush being “the first president since Herbert Hoover to lead the US to
fewer jobs” (July 5, 03). When the US faces unemployment, it’s a “jobless
headache”, but when we face the same predicament it is a case of “citizenship doesn’t entitle you to a job” (ST, June 25, 03). C’mon lah, now that
Singaporeans have been told to “use their brain”, all you angkat-bola
Commentary/Analysis people cannot afford to make it so blatant, mah.
Singaporeans will realize how partial you are, now that they are putting on
their thinking cap to analyze and think. So please wake up your curry idea.
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Simple angkat-cakap won’t do no more.
Chua Mui Hoong, on our PM announcing a radical stand to tolerate
gays in the civil service, says, “it’s all about tolerance, not gay rights” (ST,
July 9, 03). See, what a blunder. That means before the new ruling was
announced, the Gov. had always been intolerant, lah. Please, now that people are using their brain, they’ll be drawing a few conclusions of their
own. Furthermore, she said - “Remember, this is not about gay rights. This
is about economic competitiveness”. Horror of horrors! What kind of values or morals do we, as a society, have when even gay-acceptance is done
for economic rewards!
However, I do have to give her credit for saying something so bold and
outrageous like it’s the most natural thing to do even when it’s about the
(still) legally ‘unnatural’ (gays). Is she trying to upstage me in being
ridiculous? If she is, she should know that hers is not a ‘dirty job’ but an
ultra-clean one. Therefore, it doesn’t count. She mustn’t confuse servitude
with being ridiculous. Uh-uh.
And then on July 10, 03, Chua wrote in the Straits Times Life! – “How
you live matters more than how long you live” in relation to the fatal surgical separation of the Iranian conjoined-twins by a surgeon here. Imagine
how some of our ministers might take to a statement like that, especially
the senior ones! Of course, we know that the statement was meant to console all of us that our glory of making medical history (in operating on the
twins) was not meant to be. But STILL…! Is that a hint directed at our
Masters? Tsk tsk tsk.
And then, and then… the headline for that Life! essay was “The Real
Meaning Of Life”. Ai-yah, how can people “use their brain” when every
minute they are told the meaning of this and the meaning of that? I also
noticed that in conclusion, she wrote – “Who else, but the twins themselves, can say if it was all worthwhile?” So for all we know, maybe Chua
was hinting at communicating with the dead. Now, would our very senior
and old ministers be comforted by the thought that when they’re lying six
feet under, a reporter-séance is trying to tap into their spirit-thoughts for
all to read? Makes me wonder if Chua was focusing on the living or the
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dead? (Double the tsk.)
On the matter of the twins’ unsuccessful operation here in Singapore,
another columnist Andy Ho’s ‘assurance’ was more forthright. He said “Risky? You bet. Unethical? No” (ST, July 10, 03). Another writer Natalie
Soh’s’ report on the same day was just as pertinent – “Sisters made an
informed clear decision” and “Success was virtually impossible”. I’m sure
our Masters’ twin-bun felt rightfully covered and protected by that kind of
blanketing perspective on the mishap. Chua just sounded like she was
spanking round the bush.
I am probably the most ‘unsung’ hero in the land. Here I am doing all
this ‘dirty’ work for all those curry people, and what credit/reward do I
get in return? Not a word of thanks. Still, I do more. What an SOS-sucker
I am!
I went to a neighborhood community library one day to borrow the collected works of William Wordsworth. The librarian (librarian, I stress)
asked: “How do you spell Wordsworth?” After I spelt it for her, her next
question was: “Who’s the author?” As you’d probably guess by now, she
then told me that they don’t stock the book.
Baby, I’m amazed. Not so much at the librarian (hey, I’m Singaporean
enough to understand why Phua Chu Kang beckons all to “use your brain”
in his rap song) but at the fact that we don’t have Wordsworth in our common library. What do they stock in public libraries? Durian books and
durian-architecture manuals? I don’t care if I’m over-reacting. We’re suppose to be a center of the arts! Is stocking Wordsworth in the library something we have to take time to learn to do? What’s more, we’ve got a
Writers Festival in Singapore this month to help forge our image as an
arts-hub. Daring!
C’mon Bertha, let’s hear it said again – “gimme a break”. Good girl,
now go sit with the librarian in a corner ‘til your Bertha Butt colleagues
boogie on with a sensible piece in the morning prop-sheet to urge librarians to “do their part” for the good of our one-nation art-hearts. No
Wordsworth? Let me spell it out – it’s a crime against culture!
“Stop griping about us please” was the headline for a Family Matters!
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Singapore column in the Sunday Times (June 29, 03) with an accompanying picture of 10 teens beaming for Singapore to be ‘remade’. I noticed, I
noticed!! Now, which of you curry and puff girls/guys would read me and
then admit to doing so in writing? Such a simple act of basic honesty you
oso cannot own up to, how to serve our Master with truer-than-true pride?
Scared the Cultural Medallion will come to me instead, is it?
C’mon, let’s hear it for The X’Ho-Files now – “gimme a break!” Boy,
do I need it in these economically challenged times. Citizenship may not
entitle me to more money but huffing and puffing does, doesn’t it? On that
score, let me say that what I do isn’t venting at all (how those insecure
power-puffers try to put me down to earn more credit for themselves). It’s
mending – mending the loopholes in all the careless curry-talk and not getting due credit in return. (Yes, my heart is mending too.) It’s time I show
them that I am also standing on the side that’s winning. It may not be about
winning alone. But it certainly is about not losing out I can tell you. This
month, I’ll leave the under-dogging to BigO.
Front-page headline of The Sunday Times on July 13 - “PM hints at
further relaxing of controls”. Right next to it, a blurb of two stories in the
papers that day, “Ma, I’m gay – an (identified) marketing executive talks
about coming out”, and Wendy Jacobs (Mrs. Fandi Ahmad) was quoted
saying “Everyone thinks I’m this tyrant” (-their bold print). Ooh, tyranny
& sexual mutation rolled into a neat new liberation movement. Big hint,
hint, hint at a much-needed change in mind-set from the State to “urge
Singaporeans to embrace diversity and make themselves heard”. Honey,
we’re not like before, or yesterday, or just three moments ago.
Look how easily the tables turned, a siow friend remarked. Not referring to the ‘urging’ but the fact that it is now Singaporeans who couldn’t
embrace diversity when it was really the authorities who wanted no diversity for nationhood in the first place, he said. I quickly shushed him from
saying more but he said it’s alright now cos we’ve been urged to speak up.
Oh my. How can I not sing praises ‘til the cows cum home of our suddenly-so-beautifully-liberal-and-open system.
The siow friend then said that I should be given some credit for the call
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to change since I’ve written so much about the system in my two books. I
told him, no-no, I’m learning to just do with a handsome salary (eh…a
modest royalty if truth be told) and to just “do it for the good of all”. I
know I risk sounding like a pompous giver there but I’ve really learned
from the ‘messengers of god’.
Yes ma, I’m so gay about learning to think like the Mui Hoongs, Latifs
and Jacobs, so joyful that I’m gonna urge all those gay celebrities I know
to come out of their media-copped closets and support the new gay economic-cause. They could call their trade union Zircon Gov. Gay Stars. I
promise I won’t sue. (I can see the PM winking my way to say - good
show of spirit.) It may not be about gay pride, but it certainly hints at a
happy economic alliance. (Am I imagining things, or do I see the SM
winking too?)
I can just hear it, from Marine Parade to the Seletar Hills, every homin’for-home homo will be screaming – “I’m gay”, “I’m more gay”, “I’m gay
too and much more talented”. Lordy mama, aren’t we glad we have all the
licensed gay saunas to lend scrubbing support now. And the cops can do
away with their call-of-duty raid on those places cos they won’t need to
cover their butt no more. Uh-uh, macho-Marys, don’t aim there, homo-sex
is still a crime. I think Singapore has come up with a new breed of unique
sexual ‘deviants’ – homonosexuals. Consider it our birthright to be so
extraordinary. Remember, “it’s not about gay-rights”. Do I sound like I’m
parroting you, Ms. Chua? Sorry, lurve, I do mean the check there for the
good of all!
And now to celebrate the nation’s birthday with the gay-est salute ever.
I promise to get a big PINK cake (I’ll make sure it’s a SPONGE). I’ll light
up all the THICK-rod candles (thinking of all the bulbs in our digit-heads
lighting up) and I’ll give a great big blOw with doubled pride (gay pride
included but not gay rights, of course). That’s a big O in the blow, as
Singaporeans are wont to miss print-hints unless they’re bold and extra
obvious. ‘O’ with ruby red lips that are no longer sealed or ‘closeted’ cos
they know how to roll with the flow. So with an articulate (albeit a little
puckered) big O on my lips, just watch me go. But sorry, macho-warys
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waiting in the wings, I still cover backside, one!
I may be a Ho, but I know enuff to say no mo. Whenever, whatever.
Power-puffers, don’t be too jealous, hor! “Happy angkat to you, happy
angkat to you…” too. When I think of Singapore, how can I not think of
you! C’mon, maybe you can’t say it, so let me say it for you. Remake
Singapore? Our Masters can never do it without you. I should think you
have economic-recession immunity. I should, but… I don’t. Bum-side felt.
Aug, 03
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HUFF IT UP, IT’S HOMERUN TIME !
“Foreigners took 3 out of 4 new jobs in past five years” – the big
front-page headline of The Straits Times flashed on July 31, 03. Very
quickly, the next day’s front-page headline denounced the finding:
“NTU wrong, 9 in 10 new jobs went to Singaporeans. Nanyang
Technological University’s economists claim that foreigners filled
four out of five new jobs is way off the mark, says minister.”
The said minister then went on to reprimand NTU, saying: “If your
figures are wrong, it is irresponsible, it is unprofessional to put out
those figures.” (One would imagine doctorate-degree holders at NTU
to already know such simple logic, no? But my siow friend says this
is Singapore, you can’t assume simple logic to be simple.)
You can just imagine Singaporeans, on seeing the first headline, to
go: “Look what the govt. has done, depriving us of jobs.” Not me,
though. That wasn’t my response. Mine was – Aww, maybe the Gov.
was over-zealous in employing foreigners in its pro-foreign worker
policy, so it’s time to send a ‘stress’ signal (via the NTU) to cue people to voice their demand for a cutback. My siow friend, however, said
that getting people to voice their demand is a generosity not generally applied to national economic policies. So my response was not
valid. Sheeet.
One thing’s for sure, the minister’s statement was supremely
weighty. Why do I say that? Look carefully at the quote of him saying – “If your figures are wrong, it is irresponsible, it is unprofessional to put out those figures…”. If any ordinary soul had told this to the
press, the papers’ editors would have used their ‘syntactic’ discretion
to edit it to say: “If your figures are wrong, it is irresponsible and
unprofessional.” The fact that the minister’s syntax was not to be
tampered with highlights the weight of his announcement. Syntactic
discretion – not with standing at all.
In case you’re wondering why the NTU economists were so bold
to issue the ‘sensationalistic’ figure, donch forget, this is the era of
Remaking Singapore, mah. Oh, but the perils of sticking blindly to a
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big-time campaign, albeit with noble ‘remaking’ intentions. Let this
be a lesson to all. Whatever the campaign, whatever the message from
TV soaps on 8 and 5, whatever the speak-better season, always
remember to take the cue from our Straits Times’
Commentary/Analysis writers. Sigh, that may be too elaborate to
explain in full. So just remember, you don’t shorten anything to just
an ‘and’ even when it seems right to do so. Double check to cover
your butt. See, if only the NTU economists read my X’Ho-Files last
month (“Use your brain to cover your butt…”).
The X’Ho-Files strategy to cover your butt is always your best bet.
The following remark from that certain minister (also quoted in the
same report that Aug 1) will prove my point: “If your findings show
something different or if it stands out, you want to be careful not to be
sensationalist even if your figures are right” (-my italics). The true
voice of a Singapore leader speaking. No if’s or and’s, please. Just
butts. As in – we all good no bad. Understooded, y’all?
I’m sure The Straits Times’ news-desk must have covered its butt
real well because it’s not even remotely incriminated for publishing
the NTU report as a front-page headliner. Thank god, the hefty task of
issuing headlines isn’t left to any private news-enterprise (not that
there’s any). Imagine a private-owned newspaper having to answer
for such a dire headline or error. Not unthinkable, just unthinkably
bankrupt.
Very quickly again, came a follow-up headline and statement published the following day (Aug 2, 03) – “NTU economists: we made
honest error.” I love the way we stress transparencies in Singapore.
Errors can be clarified as honest or not honest. Honestly, when it
comes to these public affairs! Guess what was the same minister’s
reply to that? He said – “Academics’ mistake with jobs data should
not diminish their standing.” My! My late grandmother should have
been alive to learn such swift and gracious turnaround to forgive
unprofessional and irresponsible transgressions.
Which reminds me – do you notice how thick Saturday morning
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papers are? Can’t be because there’s always more news created on
Fridays. So for sure, it’s because folks have more time to take in life’s
many instructions once the weekend comes round. How to think, how
to live, how to eat, how to speak, how to imagine… Now you understand why many foreigners are envious of us. Singaporeans, you don’t
know how lucky you are!
The next-next day on Sunday Aug 3, the headline was “Sports
school off to a flying start”. (Duh?) Though it was the main headline,
notice that next to it was a big full-color (with photo) blurb (yeah, just
a blurb!) for an inside feature-story: “Retrenched worker becomes
multi-millionaire” (read: cheer up Singaporeans. See, even retrenched
can be millionaire. What’s a little job-data false alarm?) The blurb
measured 9 inches (or 22.8 cm) in width, while the main headline was
3.51 in. (or 9.1 cm). Which is the real eye-catcher, you tell me.
And then, and then… the next-next-next day, the big headline was
“Appeal for more foreign workers data: Information will help
Singaporeans figure out what skills they need and better understand
foreign talent policy.” (Because the NTU economists had ‘alleged’
that the Ministry of Manpower withheld certain data-information
which then distorted their finding.) See, I was right. The Gov. was
sending a ‘stress’ signal via NTU, unwittingly or otherwise. It is all
about getting Singaporeans to be sympathetic about the Gov.’s foreign-workers policy. Told you I’m always right. Only thing is - will
this wonderful “wrong data” saga have to stop? What’s behind the
even bigger ST picture? I shouldn’t say more when it’s all so nationbuilding-ly exciting!
Now, where in the world do others provide such instant and cheap
inspirational instructions? (Cheap because it’s only 70 cents for the
Sunday cost of the paper. On super-thick Saturdays with 184 pages,
it’s only 60 cents!) Furthermore, inspirational at the risk of sounding
exacting in effort! Singaporeans, you gotta love this country for it. If
you feel you got no choice but to, it’s only natural. Besides, that’s a
self-made choice! Admit it.
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What’s more, inside that Sunday paper was a whole feature to tell
you “How to keep your job? Add value.” Wait up. Did you notice that
below the ‘retrenched but now millionaire’ headline was another
inspirational feature that said: “Why I became a Singaporean. Venture
capitalist gave up his Belgian citizenship and has written a book to
share his optimism about Singapore’s future.” As for the story itself,
it carried this devotional headline: “Meet an ang moh Singaporean
who’s more Singaporean than many.” (I thought they’re called topnotch ex-Hongkees? Oh, there are others too!)
In the story, the ex-Belgian was quoted saying – “The sense of welcome we have received starts from the taxi-driver in the airport.
Sometimes I wonder if they have received special training. They are
so proud of their country.” More Singaporean than (many)
Singaporeans? They said it.
Check for continuing instructions in the papers as to why you, the
Singaporean, didn’t say it, or simply don’t know how to say it. On
Aug 8, The Straits Times’ top blurb on its front-page said “Singaporeans upbeat, poll shows: Despite setbacks, most see bright
future.” And the headline on National Day was “To stay arrived.”
Goes to show that in this paradise of permanent puffing, everyday is
a new day of infinite possibilities. Pride may go before a fall for others, but in Singapore, it comes especially writ large after an alarming,
brief ‘fall’.
I knew I was right when I mentioned five months ago in these Files
that gay saunas thriving on our isle has naught to do with gay tolerance (much less support) but all to do with the ‘pink dollar’. On Aug
17, the big headline on page 4 of The Sunday Times finally spells it
out loud - “Chasing The Pink Dollar”. As in – we ‘okay’ gay cos it’s
all about the money. Hallo, what’s happened to good old Confucian
ethics? I’m sorry, I know we’re not to use the name of our ‘lord’ in
vain but as my late grandma might say in her dramatic Cantonese way
– SM Lee is just turning 80 and you guys are already turning his stand
on conservative values upside down. You’re passing him for dead,
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izit? I mean really, for all the times we put our hearts on our sleeves
to maintain that shred of Asian decency against western decadence,
what has it all come to? Have huffers, puffers and buffers become the
new ‘scheming eunuchs’?
Look! That same day on the front page, “Mob mentality gets a flash
of inspiration” – a report about the new phenomenon of urban ‘flash
mobs’ who gather “to do something silly and then quickly disappear”.
A participant was quoted saying – “we’re just trying to have some
harmless, spontaneous fun”. And of course, we’re assured that the
phenomenon began not here but in New York and has spread to other
major cities too.
The report also noted that on July 17, 50 people gathered outside
the Raffles Place MRT and set their mobile phones ringing non-stop
for what they called The Spontaneous Orchestra. I mean sure, we
want to send out a clear message that Singapore can be spontaneous,
a little reckless in the name of fun and even somewhat free(r) as a
society, but what kind of behavior are we condoning?
What if, say, Chee Soon Juan gets in on the act next Labor Day
outside of the Sommerset MRT at Oxley and gets his posse’s mobile
phones to ring out a medley of Majulah Singapura and the Carpenters’
We’ve Only Just Begun? Would that also be passed as a ‘spontaneous
orchestra’? Is that the “flash of inspiration” we want to encourage in
the name of fun and new freedom, and flying in the face of conservative Asian values? (Visualize grandma coughing blood but luckily
she’s already blind to all this in her grave.)
“Western journalists decry Singapore as a nanny state. But many
Singaporeans want it that way. They are worried we are shifting the
burden of responsibility back to them” – was part of the National Day
Rally Speech printed in the Straits Times that caught my eye on Aug
23, 03. Before I comment on that, let me draw your attention to this
other report printed that same day.
“A rarely enforced rule, raising eyebrows in the clubbing scene
here (after bar-top dancing was allowed), is the one where police said
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performers, including paid bar-top dancers, must not mingle with customers. So, no chatting and/or drinking with patrons before, during
and even after their act unless express permission has been sought
from the Police Licensing Division. And the police will allow it only
if the performer has been endorsed by the Singapore Tourism Board.”
Tell me if bar-top dancers could ever feel guiltless (hello, chatting,
y’know, that’s as natural as a smile and nod) no matter how innocent
they may be of NOT being part of a ‘sleazy’ solicitation/undertaking
which is what that little “rarely enforced” rule is out to curb. No worries, it’s all about “rarely enforced” and just in case (as in kiasu) but
also about how the law here will always have you in its WIN-WIN
grip, even psychologically speaking. (Yes, we still wonder why
there’s not enough spontaneity in our social behavior.)
Coming back to that part of the National Day Rally Speech which
said we Singaporeans want to be nannied cos we shun the burden of
responsibility being shifted back to us. Really. That’s only true when
Mdm. Nanny does the win-win thing to us even as she disclaims herself to be nannying. If the responsibility is fully restored to
Singaporeans with a re-written code of civic rights and with all the
true empowerment of decision-making that entails responsibility, I
dare say, the people will want to work it out. Who in their right mind
would welcome a half-past-six shift in responsibility that comes with
ONLY burdens and no true empowerment?
But then, we will be told that we don’t know ‘responsible’ and are
not quite ready for it yet. Responsible is when you’re “paid to dance
on bar-top so there must be no chatting please”. Very politely and
righteously executed, no doubt. But it’s all about taking up a so-called
choice when you’re ‘pre-paid’ to do no talking about the ‘choices’
offered.
Now, how can anyone think we do NOT have a successful system
of governance?
Sept, 03
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TILES, PILES & OLD WILES
After news of Passion 99.5 FM, a public service radio station devoted to
the arts and funded by the State, was reported to be wrapping up by
year’s end, Samuel Lee wrote in the Straits Times’ Life! (Aug 27, 03) –
“Don’t kill Passion for the arts… Losing one’s Passion is already bad
enough. Losing one’s soul would be the end”. Actually, dear Sam, the
end was ‘the beginning’. We’d already lost our soul ages ago (to – what
else? – money, of course!). But don’t try giving this perspective of mine
to the national press or we’ll be flooded with readers’ response that
Singapore is still remarkably soulful. And we may just get a new season
of Extraordinary People on TV in tow as well. I mean, who likes to be
told we got no soul?
Never mind the official reason, the general hunch is - Passion ain’t
getting no funding no more to stay afloat because the money has to go to
a heftier fund-recipient, that ‘durian’-enterprise building, the Esplanade,
the great symbol of our love for the arts. Don’t you know façade is everything in Singapore? So what’s a real speaking voice on Passion in comparison? A truly perfect example of how, in Singapore, doing it for the
people is always secondary to the view from the top or outside.
Point is – you don’t have to spell it out transparent initially. Later,
after the people had gotten used to Passion’s demise, they won’t even
bother about the true reasons behind it. And really, we don’t bother much
about anything at all, unless it’s to do with bread-&-butter issues and the
soul-sacrificing moolah. Pink, green or arts (sic), it’s the bottom-line of
all our paper chases; even social/cultural/moral causes. Don’t forget it’s
called Sing dollars. Praise to the dollar, hallelujah! Sing it loud and
proud. Now THAT’s the real passionate Singapore for you.
“Singapore is really a Cosmopolitan city” – the big headline in ST
Life! (Sept 10, 03) raved about the 20-year ban on Cosmopolitan magazine being revoked finally. Now, do Singaporeans see how silly the ban
was? Of course, not. Singaporeans see? That’ll be the day. (Is it bread&-butter? I hear them ask.)
“Ban on advertising by hospitals to be lifted” – ST’s front-page head-
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line on Sept 29, 03, further showing us the alarming amount of stringent
controls experienced just yesterday. “It is hoped that the move will help
Singapore get a bigger slice of the regional market in providing medical
services to foreigners.” Like I said, it’s all about singing to outsiders. But
of course, like allowing bar-top dancing, a whole new set of rules comes
with the ban’s lift that’s too mind-boggling to get into here.
Biggest joke of the month – ST columnist Rand Miranda says
Singapore girls’ craving the 5Cs (cash, credit card, condo, car, clubmembership) is not enough, they should “make it six” (Sept 8, 03). The
sixth, being character. Ha ha ha ha. No, the joke’s not on Miranda (how
can you honestly blame an earnest soul?) but on the thought that
Singapore girls, generally speaking, could possess any semblance of an
enviable character. (Remember, there’d be 2,000 refutations if you voice
my claim in the press.)
The sad truth about not having much character points to one thing –
our ‘wonderful’ education system. (Latest indictment – “JC students
reveal appalling standard of English in ST survey”, Sept 29, 03.) But no
worries, Rand, Singaporeans are generally incapable of making such
societal connections. And even if they do, we know better than to publicize them. So, shhhh!
A 21 year-old part-time lady tutor was punched in the face by a 49
year-old man “for no apparent reason” (ST, Aug 21, 03). Unless the suspect was a stark raving mental-case, I venture to guess that he was perhaps ticked off by a scowl to deliver that punch. Do Singaporeans know
that they scowl? I know they don’t. They’re human debris, so how could
they be all that aware? The scary thing is, they’ve even influenced our
foreign workers working here.
The other day, I was in a neighborhood shop, this young Indonesian
maid came in and scowled at me. I just burst out laughing and said aloud
– what on earth are you scowling at? Then I turned to her standing beside
me and said: “You really don’t have to scowl” (like she knew what I was
talking about), “just cos the rest of the Singaporeans are doing it, you
don’t have to follow them. Just smile. You have it in you”. And voila, she
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did! And I returned the smile. Thank god, I’m not a 49 year-old man!
That ubiquitous Singapore scowl. How do I deal with it? I’m sure
you’d like to know. Well, let me tell you. Every time I get one, I welcome
it with all my heart and soul, sending out a vibe (sometimes aloud) that
says – oooh, gimme more! Prove to me that I’m so right to say that
Singaporeans have no life (not to mention, no courtesy) and are truly
repressed sour-grape space-stakers. In fact, more scowls, please. Just so
I feel so reich to write a third book. C’mon, gimme all the scowls you
got. I want more.
Caught a little of the panel discussion on Channel NewsAsia that
talked about why Singapore Is Not A Giving Society. It’s like – don’t say
we don’t pay it some lip service, okay! I’m sure you don’t need to be
told what the panel’s conclusion was, unless you really want to know the
‘official’ stand on the subject. I didn’t. So don’t ask me.
Chief editor of Streats Philip Lee wrote in the Straits Times (Sept 20):
“Had Lee Kuan Yew not been tough then…” in relation to Singapore’s
effective elimination of triad gangs. Well, yeah! Now, we really shouldn’t put two-and-two together and ask about Remaking Singapore here.
Sometimes, I do wish that the elevated one would not take a backseat and
be plainly forefront again. For one thing, I’d be spared of inane panel discussions on TV. Don’t you miss those good old days when we intuitively practised refined self-censorship knowing that the OB-markers were
ALL THERE? Now, we’re Remaking Singapore and asking where got
there. Got, meh?!
For all our flashing of ‘quilts’ and ‘tiles’ to show for a nationalistic
spirit around Singapore Race Day (that’s National Day, honey!), all it
took was one of our poets Philip Jeyaretnam to spell it all out –
“Singaporeans need a sense of national pride” (STLife! Aug 30, 03).
How nice, that pride can be testified with quilts and tiles. (Go tell it,
Lisa!)
Maybe I’ve just got piles.
Oct, 03
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NANNY INVISIBLE SLAPPING SILLY
(Remaking Singapore - Part 16)
Front-page headlining news of The Sunday Times on Oct 12, 03 – “DPM
wants PM, SM in his cabinet… when he takes over.” I don’t call that
news. They should do a survey and find out if Singaporeans had expected otherwise for the item to be justified as headlining news. Eh… oh I
see! It’s news for foreigners, like most other things in Singapore! Ai-ya,
of cos, lah, how can I be so stupid!
In that same edition of the paper – “On that slapping story…In 1990,
rumor went that Mr. Dhanabalan received an angry slap from Mr. Lee
Hsien Loong for supposedly siding with Dr. Hu in an argument”. My
siow friend’s response to that: So maybe it wasn’t an angry slap at all but
a correctional slap or a cautionary slap, maybe even an affectionate slap.
But I warned him, be careful he might get accused of re-starting an old
rumor, of which, come to think of it, they’re still at it in the papers! Right
down to the exact year it was started! Telling.
The report elaborated - “The story circulated throughout the 1990s
and found its way into a book on Singapore by Australian academic Ross
Worthington last year. Did Mr. Dhanabalan plan to sue the writer to clear
his name?”
“If the author of the book were here and had assets, I would sue him.
But he is an Australian and is out of jurisdiction” – was the reply.
Hmmm… interesting. Telling.
A 50 year-old Singapore man was arrested in Bangkok for threatening to assassinate our PM and bomb the Singapore and American
embassies, the Straits Times reported on Oct 10, 03. “This was apparently motivated by a desire to disrupt events and he may have some mental
problems,” the report added. Sane HDB-dwellers (read: heartlanders) in
Singapore, I’m sure, would not be surprised at this cos they know there
are plenty of loonies deep in the heart of our true heartland. And that
national heartlanding ‘psychosis’ even at its most benign can be encountered as SM* -defensive behavior on an everyday level. Yeah, one flew
over the cuckoo’s nest… like it means anything to most, or that they care.
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A reader wrote to the ST saying: “The standard of English is falling.
The standard of Chinese is also falling, perhaps even more drastically.
The end product of the education system seems to be individuals who are
apathetic and incapable of thinking independently…” (my italics) (Oct
10, 03). Sounds like sheer success for the system as it was intended, if
you ask me!
About the Andrea De Cruz vs. Slim 10 court battle (see also chapter
54 of my book Attack Of The SM* Space Encroachers)… One brave,
albeit unnamed, local actress said in 8 Days (issue #679): “If this case
had happened in the US, the official bodies which approved Slim 10
would’ve been sued for millions of dollars.” Darling, the official body
here most definitely made an “honest mistake”, if the mistake was at all
theirs to begin with.
Semon Liu, the ‘acccountable’ boss who imported the harmful Slim
10 slimming product, told 8 Days (#680): “People tell us to be entrepreneurs – I did that and got two tight slaps.” People? I know it’s time for
Liu to cover backside more than ever, but people and Gov. are not the
same, you know. For a start, people are unlikely to make “honest mistakes” (- a theory based on punitive measures meted by the court of justice; take Liu himself, for instance). Just as the Gov. never makes a “dishonest mistake” (- based on, at least, the 540 cases of corruption reported thus far this year– ST, Oct 7, 03). Anyway, it is interesting that Liu
spoke of entrepreneurship.
“Window displays of maids (-photos) must stop, agencies told” – the
ST headline went on Oct 15, 03. An official circular from the authorities
has been issued to warn that such displays are “unacceptable practices”.
Tough luck, entrepreneurs. Reason given: “It has created international
disrepute for Singapore, as we are perceived not to have accorded the
foreign domestic workers basic human dignity.”
I won’t argue about the concern over “international disrepute”, after
all, it’s foreigners forever! But I am just that bit baffled by the nature of
the “basic human dignity” referred to there. Is that the same one that not
long ago insisted gay-lifestyle is unacceptable to our Asian family values
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but now says we have grown tolerant when the transparency for it is
clearly all to do with “chasing the pink dollar” (Sunday Times, Aug 17,
03)?
I have to ask because if I don’t understand it, how do you expect the
SM*-defensive Singaporeans to? I think we should at least state it in better, clearer terms, as in “basic ECONOMIC human dignity”. There, isn’t
it so much clearer now? Just as we have homoNOsexuals in Singapore
(see Aug 03 of X’Ho Files – ‘Use Your Brain To Cover Your Butt, It’s
Homo Time’), we should add “basic ECONOMIC human dignity” to our
extraordinary national nature. Nothing’s too ‘radical’ to flaunt in the face
of Remaking Singapore, remember?
In a sense, I’d say we HAVE arrived. Just think, we now allow chewing gum to be sold here again. Only with a prescription, of course. As in
- doctor’s order. As in - with written authorization. Nothing like a
gummy piece of pure poetry in chewing motion. And it was all the result
of an ECONOMIC free trade pact! It’s like – you want gum? You got it
(but with authorization, lor)! Yes siree, there ain’t nothin’ we can’t get
around.
Like I said – arrived!
* SM - sng muay (sour grapes)
Nov, 03
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ARE YOU READY FOR THE MEDIA SLUGFEST ?
(Ho ho ho - sings Santa)
Business writer Michael Blackman “crossed the line” and was told off
by an MP for “interfering in domestic politics” when he wrote a commentary titled “Is Singapore being paranoid?” two months ago in the
free-sheet Today, calling for press laws in Singapore to be abolished.
(Straits Times, Nov 13, 03). What a nut! See, I’ve been telling you people time and again – watch those OB-markers, they are all there STILL,
though invisibly so, as invisible as Remaking Nanny herself. That goes
for all you twits who wish to stand up and be counted to make a difference! As we Chinese say – look after yourself first! Choy, don’t we
know?
That’s what happens when they trumpet that hip-&-swinging nationmaking glory all over the ‘people-serving’ media. Many, especially
those born or just arrived here yesterday, really think we’ve been REVOLUTIONIZED! Hello? Wake up! If only those peeps bother to read my
X’Ho-Files, they’ll be able to think ‘straight’ enough to write or even
gripe properly.
Therefore, sorry lah, Mr. Blackman, so much for sticking your nose
out for the good of society. Learn to be a yes-man first, if you wanna
write in an official tabloid. Nothing like some good old thumped-down
obedience to get started. You really should watch that ‘hip-&-swinging
speak-up’ message they’re bandying around these days. Learn to write
in that helm-it-you-so-ON way for the quick ascend to the all-important
news-desk. Speak FOR the bosses first. Such basic etiquette to careerbuilding oso don’t know, how to have a head start?
“Don’t mix news and comment” – the MP’s advice to industry players in what the Straits Times (ST) called “Minister cautions local media”
(reported on that same day as above). Yah, learn to do things the ST way
– state the news, then bulk up for a worth-your-money read by making
your daily paper a lifestyle fodder loaded with lifestyle, environmental,
career, social and cultural features (I say features, not issues). Not forgetting the all-important Insight and invaluable Commentaries/Analysis.
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That way, you don’t mix news and comments. Remember, always take
your cue from the top (-most read publication, hor).
Big headline of ST’s Insight page on Nov 15, 03: “Media ‘golden age’
looking tarnished”. Grave mistake there with the inverted comma. The
correct punctuation should read - ‘media’ golden age looking tarnished.
“Is the market really too small for two players in both print and television?” – the ST editors asked, prompted no less by a Senior Minister’s
comment. But of course it’s too small for two designated play-play players. It’s like this y’all – the market’s never too small when you get a
Centrepoint vs. NTUC Fairprice. But if John Little’s wanna open 10 new
Marks & Spencer and call it competition, of course the premise is too
small. To think they lavished two full-pages on that “media slugfest”
report in the papers. Slugfest? Pur-lese.
Did you notice that one particular commercial on Channel i TV
announcing that the Straits Times and the New Paper are the top selling
newspapers in the land and that Streats’ readership has risen while that
of Today has dropped? As Singaporeans know, the first three papers are
all published by Singapore Press Holdings (SPH), while Today is by
Mediacorp Publishing. That’s why the ad, and that’s why on Channel i
(which is run by SPH’s broadcasting arm).
Question is – would, say, Asia Pacific Breweries be allowed to state
in an ad that its products Heineken, Anchor, Tiger and Guinness Stout
are all selling better than Carlsberg if it were true???? And people still
look at me and ask – what ‘double standard’ are you talking about? Tsk,
tsk tsk.
Besides, the way that Channel i ad is apparently hurting no one ought
to tell you EVERYTHING about the “two players” in the field.
Singaporeans, I can only deduce, are dumb. That or they’re…well, like
they say in the papers – “sullen”. What a nice word for mute or rude or
indifferent or powerless. Sullen. Sull on it, if you will.
An English language teacher from Britain helps out a Thai food vendor in the streets in Bangkok by taking over the cooking at the stall. But
she won’t accept any pay and has been doing it for two years now (ST,
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Nov 9, 03). Alien concept there to Singaporeans, dear. Even though her
reason for doing so is – “I love the Thai lifestyle and people are friendly”, she said. Ai-ya, that’s not the point, right? Imagine if some
Bangladeshi visitor decides to do the same here, how then can we monitor illegal employment when folks can claim left, right and center that
they are merely helping out without getting paid?
Alas, my siow friend says my worries are unfounded. First of all, it’s
unlikely that a Bangladeshi would claim that we are a friendly people,
and secondly, if you say that someone is helping out in Singapore for
free, no one will believe you.
Oh well, I was just trying to make sure everyone is aware of OBmarkers, and as usual, all I get is a no-thanks. Sullen, I see, is the way.
Sullen night, holy night… Have a sluggy X’mas, y’all.
Dec, 03
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MAVERICKS THEATRICS
“Govt. will not let pilots ‘do Singapore in’: DPM” was the top headline
on Nov 29, 03 (Straits Times). It referred to the SIA-pilots’ union’s
“resentment (that) SIA announced a stunning $306-million profit for the
second quarter” (in 2003) after “wage cuts and layoffs” were made on
SIA crew at the height of the SARS scourge. “No one should doubt the
Govt.’s resolve in wanting to maintain and preserve our industrial
peace” (my italics), an acting manpower minister said. Of course, we
know that to mean no one could or can.
So it’s all come to light, the rationale behind that big question - are
you (Singaporeans) ready to die for your country? Put in that SIA-union
context, the question should read: Hey, hi-flying pilot-dudes, are you
ready to sacrifice for your country? The original question, then, wasn’t
so much a question as a manpowered nudge on what you should take to
heart if you know what’s good for you. Or as Chua Mui Hoong trumpeted on Dec 20, 03 in her ST Insight essay – “Being kiasu and kancheong are all right, but let’s not be kiasi”.
That’s so true! How else can the State know of your citizenry allegiance if you don’t avail yourself to die for it? After all, everyone here –
and we do mean EVERYONE - is sooo kiasu already. (A good rationale
for transparency, yeah?) Without some deaths, or at best - sacrifices, how
can we secure the all-important “industrial peace”? Or social peace or
cultural peace or national peace (I’m sure we can think of a hundred
more peaces whenever for whatever). See the importance of being kancheong now?
“NAC lifts rule on scriptless art forms” (ST, Nov 28, 03). Now, would
you have thought that the news-item there also refers to performance
art? Never mind the scrupulous headline, read the report: “The National
Arts Council is funding a forum theatre play as well as a performance art
event (by Dramabox), lifting a 10-year no-funding rule on the two
scriptless art forms.” (Eh, not that during those 10 years, one could stage
performance art even without funding, lah. The report was not transparently stated enough, leh!).
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“The Council’s move follows the Govt.’s acceptance in Sept 03 of a
Censorship Review Committee recommendation that the controversial
no-funding rule of the two art forms be lifted.” How gently put. After
all, beggars and servants can’t possibly harp on the 10 year-rule as one
subsuming no-permission as well. Well, not at a time like now anyway,
when the Master is being so-so benevolent.
By the way, in case you’re just born yesterday and are wondering why
the ruling before, the ST report states that in the past those scriptless performances, esp. performance art were shunned because they “may be
exploited to agitate the audience on volatile social issues”. The precise
premise of art, you say? Ai-yah, we are Singapore, not London or New
York. Our art has to function for our own, even unique, reasons. Art
peace, perhaps.
The Dramabox artistic director hoped that NAC would “keep an open
mind on censorship matters in the long run”. Oh so gently now to the
Masters. But… but not when it comes to flaunting our all-new hip-&swinging Singapore being remade, babe. Look! In that same day’s ST:
“Time to break the rules”! (Oh yeah?) – went the headline for a Pulp
Festival allowing artists to collaborate with breakdancers. So chant it
luv, for full subliminal remaking effect - “time to break the rules, time to
break the rules…” But please do it softly to scriptless art performers,
hor. After all, we do want to encourage benevolent peace-stakers to feel
assured to “keep an open mind”, you know.
O how we look like we’re helping to break the rules. Cher, the
Hollywood actress, was quoted in our ST saying: “I would rather stick
needles in my eyes than be a Republican”, and she’s referring to the ruling party in her country, dudes. Can you imagine local actors (the TV
ones or otherwise) saying they’d rather stick needles in their eyes than
support the PAP? The moon falling from the sky would be more plausible. Likewise, the veteran actor Robert Redford was quoted in the ST the
following day saying: “I’ve never known an administration more narrow, more limited and more mean.” All I can say to ‘time-to-break-therules’ believers is – this is not America. So, conviction may run deep but
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shit-creeks are deeper. Not that they’d know…
“Awaken something you won’t find in books” – the caption ran for an
ad from an educational institution (-SMU); that something being “passion”! Nothing like a ‘campaign’ to awaken what even books can not.
And that’s just on ‘passion’. We’d need another for conviction. So what
would they know, not to mention invisible OB-markers in this hip-&swinging era!
“Mavericks a must for nation’s growth” (ST, Dec 2, 03) is a billowing new tune they’re blowing in the wind of change these remaking
days. All the more so cos our nation’s founding father tells a forum he
didn’t realise “the importance of those who think outside the box when
he was building Singapore”. An honest mistake then, or gently-gently,
an honest oversight.
Named in the same report are three foreign mavericks (almost the
only kind left around here now) who were part of a two-day Global
Brand Forum held in town. Spiritual guru Deepak Chopra said: “Leaders
who look only for external goals, such as money, will fail.” Thank god
ours are also after ceaseless control (very internal a goal there, I tell
you).
Then there’s Anita Roddick, the Body Shop founder who has now
stepped down as the Shop’s chief executive. She said that if she were
still in charge, she “would be challenging the World Trade Organisation,
the war in Iraq”. Yo, Ms. Maverick, I mean Roddick. If you think our
Gov. is gonna sit back and let its people do as what you wish, you’re out
of your ‘mazing maverick mind. But of course, we know you are speaking as a Briton and hardly know the REAL host who invited you. Nice
billowing work then, mate.
Finally, the third named speaker Scott Bedbury, a marketing strategist, said, “The challenge for Singapore is to find ways to poke fun at
itself… You have to have fun. You can’t just say there’s fun to be had
here.” Well, that’s one man who really doesn’t know Singapore. Over
here, the authorities simply have to say and it shall be so! It may not
seem logical but, hey, we’re Singapore, unique unto the world!!
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Nevertheless, to take up Bedbury’s point… Hello, like HELLO!!! See
me, feel me, this is me –the Tickling one, Mr. Poke-Poke Boner, hello?!
Can you stop those foot-servants from calling this relevant-me here tiresome then?
And so it’s come to be known that all the big talk about mavericks
(and bohemians) is but hot-air to puff up that big baloney ready to
explode on its own peace-taking myths. Before challenging the war in
Iraq, why not try and pilot a challenge on union-leaders for a start? As
you can see, no one can survive big-big here without the age-old yes-yes
decorum to help hold the whatever-peace. Unless we’re talking about
all-conforming and nodding mavericks.
We’ll be so unique, Singapore!
Jan, 04
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HOMO NO SEXUALSINGAPORE
“Gay’s letter on oral sex fails to convince MPs” was a Straits Times headline on Jan 29, 2004. The letter, submitted by People Like Us (PLU) was
described by the press as “emotionally charged” in the way it appealed
for homosexual oral sex to be decriminalized.
The letter took the approach of asking MPs to consider gays who might
be family members. Gasp, you call that a sympathy-plea? More like a
backhanded take to me. One MP said, “Using statistical probability, why
stop at homosexuality? If there is a statistical probability that a certain
percentage of people will be pick-pockets, that will include MPs’ children
and relatives as well. So then what?” Ya, hor. In the olden days, homosexuals were just as liable to be stoned to death as thieves, leh. Very logical an analogy!
The Minister of State (Community Development & Sports) naturally
has the last word on the matter in that report: “MPs are quite use (sic) to
receiving such emotionally charged letters, it is part of democracy. As a
policy maker, it is beneficial to listen to all views. It is our aim to cultivate an open political culture. But we cannot rule by consensus.”
Yes, I’d be the first to attest to the open-ness. Indeed, I’d say we’re
quite open now – how else to explain for the X’Ho-Files not being
clamped down? So let me say it loud and proud : O-P-E-N. Thus reflecting big-big on our democracy. No wonder Minister, leh.
Then, the next day, one Singam fella wrote to the Straits Times’ Forum:
“Isn’t it ruling by consensus to amend the law against oral sex to legalize
only heterosexual acts? While the laws of the land may reflect the moral
mores of society, what kind of morality are we trying to enshrine by this
amendment?”
Well, Singam, let me attempt to answer for Big Brother in ways even
the greatest transparency may not allow. The morality we enshrine is
called Asian Values. If that doesn’t make sense, then let’s call it Family
Values. And in Remaking Singapore terms, that means the Pink Dollar
Morality. Without a stable economy or economic peace, how can the
family stay afloat? Go pick pocketing?
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Maybe you didn’t hear Big Brother right when he announced last July
that the State finally accepts gays in the civil service. Like he knew you
wouldn’t get it right, his foot-servants spelt it out just for people like you:
“ It’s all about tolerance, not gay rights. This is about economic competitiveness” (ST, July 9, 03). Best believe it, darling.
I think all you can’t-wait-for-a-Mardi-Gras rainbow-peeps also failed
to read my X’Ho Files properly last August when I’d declared the phenomenon to be as unique as Singapore itself: HomoNosexualSingapore.
You may be ‘accepted’ as a homo, but you can’t have sex cos it’s just not
legal, it’s that simple!
But why the gay bathhouses and hangouts on our shores now, you ask?
Consider it the power of the pink eye-patch covering one eye of the law
to prevent it from busting the free-for-all carnal activities in those unnatural places. Otherwise, it’s a plane-ticket to KL, BKK, HK and Taipei on
every long weekend to spend away our Singapore dollar on those foreign
shores, dearie.
With brain-drain, we can always resolve by justifying a need for foreign talents. However, when it comes to money-drain there’s no such
simple ‘foreign-exchange’ solution. Hence, the outright ‘plea’ for pinkdollar competitiveness, lor. Actually, that competitiveness means attracting the foreign pink dollar. But since we cannot be so blatantly discriminating against our own queers, we’ll just have to let people like you
(PLU) enjoy the newly opened-up and condoned gay-facilities, lor.
That’s why we say tolerance and not gay rights. Your new cruising
privileges were really granted as a by-the-way. And by the way, the pink
color itself is really secondary. The clincher is the $ sign that marks the
patch. Read it the way it is transparently written: Pink DOLLAR.
It’s like this, the Singapore Government, rebutting Amnesty
International’s claim that Singapore has the highest execution rate per
capita in the world, says: “The death penalty is not a burning issue in
Singapore” (ST, Jan 31, 04). As I’d pointed out last month in these Files,
simply say it and it shall be so, ‘tis the way of our unique Singapore State.
You can burn your bra and toss your yu-sheng in bewilderment. But if the
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national paper says it is so, you can bet your sweet honey bun, it shall be
so for the State. Besides, the Amnesty rebuttal appeared in an ST column
titled Did They Really Say That? That’s how facetiously upbeat we are of
our critics now. Shamelessly hip & funky, get it? Learn or be ‘squashed’,
PLUs!
In other words, all you PLUs, if you want your gay sexual rights, forget the emotional bargain. Don’t forget, it’s the $ sign that’s cleared the
way for you to practise bathhouse-cruising here on these shores. The MP
was ever so kind to hand you the big clue, though you thought nothing of
it – “pick-pockets”! So if you want your oral rights, there’s only one way
– pick the fiscal rationale (and I don’t mean physical, you lustful people,
you!).
Look to how oral sex between homos can be beneficial to the State
pocket. Or conversely, show how penalizing gay oral sex will be detrimental to the State’s pocket. Remember, like I said before, Pink DOLLAR = family values, that’s the way to go in our unique Singapore.
After all, even straight people got it down pat a long time ago when
they declared “No money, no honey”. And just to prove how little you’ve
learned about our wonderful democratic system, PLUs… when the
Minister said “we cannot rule by consensus”, he is really being honest.
Feb, 04
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BEST-BEST-BEST-BEST-BEST
Daughter to Singaporean-mother at the airport: “We’re the best, right?”
Mother: “Eh, maybe Hong Kong is da best.”
Elder daughter: “No, Singapore has the best airport in S.E. Asia.”
No, that’s not an imaginary scene of farcical proportion on our statistic-crazy nation. That’s Reality-reality as witnessed recently by yours
truly going on an overseas trip. On board the plane, I was seated next to
a Singaporean office-worker (cos I heard him talking about the office to
his pal seated on his other side). When the flight attendant came round
to ask what we’d like to drink, the office-worker number hollered:
“Coke-coke-coke-coke-coke”. Then, on the way back to our best-ofeverything country, a Singaporean lady sitting behind me on the plane,
when asked whether she’d like red or white wine, said: “Red-red-redred-red.”
Yes honey, we are the best.
Think I’m being harsh on Singaporeans? Wait ‘til you meet a dear
friend of mine. Once, after returning from a trip to Thailand and being
in quite a livid mood, he rang me after trotting round town, saying, “I
wish half the people in Orchard Road were dead!” “What a thing to
say!” I replied. That’s when he said, “Let’s face it, those people are
already half-dead.” Debris, he calls them, he considers the term ‘digits’
to be way too kind. He’s also the one who pointed out to me that trying
to connect with the energetic and hopeful Singaporean-young is a
doomed affair.
He had noticed, from being on a plane with Singaporean families and
their kids, that one look at the kids’ parents and you just know that those
kids are doomed. Zilch manners, clueless when it comes to etiquette, yet
arrogant but also repressed as hell. Exactly the point of a slogan I’d written on one of my self-designed T-shirts: “We are Singaporeans, we are
arrogant, we have no balls, and we don’t even know it.”
These days, that ‘harsh’ friend of mine wishes he could carry a fly
swatter with him every time he’s on a plane with fellow Singaporeans.
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He’d swat them with it each time they open their mouth to say something and then he’d tell them – “Wrong answer!”
Considering the years of autocratic paternalism our System has been
bandying around, how can I not hold it responsible for those ‘ugly’
Singaporeans that are all, and I mean ALL, around. (Of course, there are
exceptional ones, people like you and me, lor.) If the System could, it
would’ve controlled the number of times you are allowed to fart a day.
And it’s all for – nation-building, what else!
The annoying thing is that it comes with the self-airing slogan – Me
All Good No Bad. Criticism denied cos no criticism is constructive criticism unless you kowtow first then gently hint-hint; though some would
call that no-criticism at all. Yes siree, PR is everything. You betcha others around us are learning… though not quite to perfection or best-hood
as we’ve managed.
“US a ‘useless friend’,” the Thai PM said as he fumed over US criticism of Thailand’s human rights record (Straits Times, Feb 28, 04). Oh
dear, I wish he would learn better from Singapore that good PR is
EVERYTHING. Just issue a public statement saying that all the “extrajudicial killings and arbitrary arrests”, which Thailand’s been accused
of, is “not a burning issue”. Gow-dim sai, clean and easy, mai-mee bahnhah. Especially when one’s press and public media is held under good
nation-building control already.
Coming back to Singaporeans being clueless, being an exemplary
Singaporean myself, I surely want to justify my stand to the bitterest end.
Here goes.
Note the following letter sent in to the Straits Times’ Forum on Feb
28, 04. “While waiting at the City Hall MRT (train) station, my 14 yearold daughter noticed a man using a mobile phone with a camera feature
taking a picture of her. I am concerned that such an act, which is tantamount to intruding into another’s privacy, if not checked, would eventually result in harm to the subject. Could the authorities enlighten me
about the following: 1) Does anyone have the right to photograph another person without his consent? 2) How should one respond when one
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notices that one is being photographed in the train or at the station? 3)
What should young children and teenagers do? 4) What is being done to
protect members of the public from such intrusion?”
Yes, I’m afraid the poor concerned parent thinks he’s on the Oprah
Winfrey Show.
At this point, I wanna remind authorities that this is a good, opportune occasion to put to work our public campaign urging Singaporeans
to simply “use your brain”. An answer to the concerned parent’s burning
questions is quite redundant, or rather dysfunctional, to Singaporeans
being encouraged to think for themselves.
But alas, PR is EVERYTHING. So, another lesson in survival is desperately needed there, sir.
Mar, 04
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THE CRUCIBLE ACCORDING TO CAPT. GOH*
There are so many cracks on the nation-building pavement that, of late,
the pulp press has foregone some subtlety to go shameless in propping
up agendas to help Remake Singapore like it’s on Desperation Blvd.
Take for instance, The Sunday Times’ report “Why the casino rethink’
(Mar 14, 04). I don’t need to read it in full to know. Let’s see, good for
the tourist industry, the economy and no one’s objecting to the Gov.’s
decision (not that anyone can or bothers to anymore; Capt. Ryan Goh of
the pilots’ union… anyone?).
Still, there was, of course, a very valid reason for casinos to spring
up in Singapore now, we are told. “Industry players say huge revenue
generated is too good to pass up” is the official reason. Don’t gasp, we
all know about implications; not that we care to voice them. Capt. Ryan
Goh!
Ironic that below the casino report was one about why the Gov. draws
the line on some theatre-group’s desire to stage a gay-forum, citing the
Catholic Church, the Methodist Church and the Hindu community’s support of the prohibitive stand. I guess the Catholic Church, the Methodist
Church and the Hindu community are cool with all the licensed gay
saunas in our midst now – on OUR VERY SHORES - housing Sodom
& Gomorrah free-sex; cos they’re not heard objecting to those depraved
haunts. Nor are they cited to object to building casinos in Singapore. So
it’s probably not a burning issue, shall we say, when it comes to the
moral ethics of gambling. Don’t have to say, we already know. When
push comes to a hard-shoved economy’s thrust, we just have to go
pelvis-Elvis and sing Wooden Heart. (Now, is that a good enough popculture excuse for you, Big Brother?)
I certainly am not complaining. I’m a ‘historian’ to save amnesiacs.
The juicier the details, the better for me. Here’s crack no.2…
“Don’t impose mother tongue as second language” – the top story in
Commentary/Analysis from Straits Times’ Political Desk on Mar 6, 04.
(Not that mother-tongue wasn’t already imposed in the first place!) This
comes some 30 pages after another top story (on page three) about a col-
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lege-grad rejoicing that admission to local university does not require a
second-language admission-pass anymore. “No need to go overseas
now” is what she says. That, of course, is the point of the story. That and
its positioning as a prelude to the essay from the Political Desk to convince everyone that nothing is just the Gov.’s decision. (Capt. Ryan
Goh?)
Crack no.3…
“Why Singaporeans return: they simply miss home” (ST, Mar 7, 04).
Don’t laugh. The quote highlighted in that report was - “Always an outsider… you’re not one of them and never will be, no matter how hard
you try.” Now, shall we inform the thousands of recent Chinese
immigrants on our soil about this too? How about rubbing it in on
Capt. Goh? Let’s just move on to crack no.4, shall we? Ironies have hit
a mind-boggling level of mass hypnosis for us to really bother about
anymore.
Wait… There’s something we have to acknowledge - the hip-&-funky
new look of Ms. Chua Mui Hoong as seen in the picture for her column
Reflect. Hence, the retro-swinging specs and the slightly unkempt hair.
Oooh, how ratty. Gone is her previous serious administrator look to
speak for the moral majority. Since we know now that the older moral
majority are so successfully boxed in, there’s really no need to work on
them that much. Therefore, like those Satanists who rally: We have
(now) come for your children (!), it’s
their little maturing mindsets we have
to set our eyes on for now (hence, the
Heeren glasses!). Of course, it takes
the “no longer young but more daring
ones” (quote from The New Paper,
Mar 7, 04) to activate the mindbuzz. I should know. So, ‘media
whore’? Yes, congrats to Ms.
Chua, for success is just that hint of cleavage
revealed.
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Back to crack no.4 (and it’s not her top!)…
‘Twas she who announced with her new makeover look on Mar 7, 04:
“Oh baby, baby, it’s a harsh world” in relation to the nation’s falling
birth-rate that needs to be rectified. In conclusion, she added that she
was merely giving “suggestions… in the spirit of encouraging a noholds-barred debate on the baby-making issue”. What a triple-whammy
crack – babies, subtlety and no-holds-barred! Not quite the old paternalistic argument we’re used to then. In other words, Father may have
thought he knew best but Father couldn’t fix everything, could he? In
that case, know best for what? I also know best, what. Just that I couldn’t bear to have a ‘wooden heart’ for everyone’s good and for the sake
of…yes, industrial-peace. God bless the glasses… with Ryan Goh in
tow!
Truly. And listen to this other Ms. Chua argument– “Why use my tax
dollars to persuade couples to have kids?” (she wrote on that very same
day!). Don’t gasp. No-holds-barred open-society tactic with unkempt
hair, may I remind you! Exactly. That’s sort of like – Big Sister as foil to
show Father up but still gets him what he wants. A tad obvious, isn’t it?
Well, that takes care of not only crack 4 but 5 and 6 as well.
Besides, since when have we persisted in asking what’s done with our
tax-dollars? That’s why Ms. Chua to do the honors, lor. Now you know
why it’s important to have at least me as ‘historian’, otherwise old truths
will get wound like endless circles pointing in Big Brother’s favor and it
would be for your own good. See, I know the tune real well.
Crack 7– “Baby talk dominated the seven-hour Budget debate, an
issue dubbed a national imperative by leaders” (ST, Mar 9,04). Lest
you’ve forgotten, they did say a long-long time ago, I can still remember, how that music was played to the tune of “we’ll cross the bridge
when we get to it”. So cracks? Just another long series of bridges, luv.
Bottom of the bridge – NO future leaders, darl. But wait, that’s not their
fault! Since, we elect our leaders, of course it’s our problem. Let me be
Big Sister then and say, in that case, case closed… on 4, 5, 6 and 7, cos
they’re oh-so justified.
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Ah… but the specter of Ryan Goh suddenly appears just when you
thought you’ve tackled the no-holds-barred open-ness with all the babycradling subtlety to nurse your frazzled and fried minds. “It’s your ‘duty’
to procreate,” an MP was reported saying with great alarm on Mar 10,
04 in the Straits Times! (Never mind that he qualified that statement
later.) It’s all Ryan’s fault, isn’t it? He of superfluous ‘unions’.
Nine months ago in July 03, I had reported in these Files that a certain bespectacled servant of Big Brother had called for artistes in
Singapore to be ‘civil society actors’. I’d also warned that they be careful not to end up being civil society puppets. Well, look what that same
‘servant’ wrote with regard to what he called “the near-blanket media
coverage of the Great Baby Debate”– “Do the math, fall in love”! (ST,
Mar 14, 04). A fortnight later, he added - “Get happy – get hitched”
(Sunday Times, Mar 28, 04). Maybe Mr. Glasses is being a Joan of Arc
for all his fellow thespians so that they’ll be spared of falling into our
new no-holds-barred open-ness and committing that same Ryan Goh‘heresy’.
You never know. We’re about cunning cleavages these days, as in Sex And The Baby, with the Catholic Church subtly in tow.
Desperate is as desperate does, babe.
Apr, 04
* Capt. Ryan Goh was the Malaysia-born, Singapore-permanent resident representative of the SIA pilots union, who had his PR status
revoked for questioning SIA’s wage-cuts like an agent provocateur.
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WHAT’S A GOV. PAWN STAR ?
April 15, 04 – a day after the death anniversary of both Joey Ramone and
Jean Genet, a day before the birthday of the late Dusty Springfield, and five
days before $ingapore’s rail-underground dug itself into a collapse just
behind the Thai-haunt Golden Mile (Woh Hup Complex). It was the day
that my band Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz’s debut album, Follywood, was officially released.
The record company that distributed our album had panicked just two
weeks before the release-date, suggesting that we create an outer jacket for
the CD’s packaging just so that the cover-art – a crest bearing our band’s
name – would remain veiled. That’s how boxed-in paranoid a people we
are. Even a lawyer-friend expressed grave concern about the "controversial
look" of the crest. All it took was a quick flip through a book on crests to
convince me that our Zircon crest looks just like 145 other crests out there
– from Yardley to Basement Jaxx.
A Today writer remarked that on “the cover of Follywood… there’s an
adaptation of the $ingapore crest” (April 24, 04). Whatever gave him that
idea, I wonder. Now, now… no wonder even the SM now talks of thinking
out of the box.
With a people of unquestioning minds, it seems that no one is asking
what’s Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz anymore. You know how scary that is?
Have they finally got our name figured out? The "funniest" comment I got
was from a hip-looking local bar-chick who said that when she first heard
it mentioned, she imagined the pawn to be spelt p-o-r-n. She told me that
pawn just sounds so HDB! Of course, she’s right!
By the way, if like most unquestioning $ingaporeans, you also possess
that national trait of being fault-finding and have discovered a typo on our
album-cover (quick, go look again, it’s there)… What can I say? It’s an
honest mistake!
Here are my 10 definitions of what a "Gov. Pawn Star" is (first explained
to New Man magazine last June).
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1. One willing to sign on the dotted line of a monopolistic corporation serviced by a grandly thorough system of fake competition.
2. One compelled to perform at national charity events, thus adding
new meaning to the expression – giving one’s all to publicity stunts.
3. One who fulfills a "societal" role of endorsing/modeling for public campaigns, other than being an entertainer/performer purely to
enhance celebrity-status unto oneself.
4. Would never be caught dead (or alive) smoking in public.
5. The crème de la crème of pawn stars naturally beget the king (no,
queen) of all groupies, David Gan, as groupie-stylist and prized bosompal. It’s the only time when "mommy" knows best (otherwise, fatherpaternal always knows better – and don’t he or she ever forget it!).
6. His or her bosses are industry-honchos without a scandalous past.
Never mind that it’s show business, but it’s got to have ‘germ-free absolescence’* (sic). * absolving in obsolescence
7. One who doesn’t rock ’n' roll but looks ripe for Chinese MTV. In
other words, crass desperately looking for class, thinking that cheap glitz
is all it takes.
8. A TV game-show filler/fodder.
9. Very likely a cover-star of TV-lifestyle weeklies and especially if
photographed for the cover of the latest must-have wedding pictorial or
parenthood rag.
10. Is in denial of being a state-controlled pawn-star. (Boy, it’s wonderful to be naïve!)
P.S. Pity that some sweet liver-giving darlings have to allow themselves
to be sucked into the whole pawn-empire too just to simply make a living;
not to mention those with a real humanistic cause and are NOT STUPID!
Otherwise, how to be a "star" in a control-freak system?
May, 04
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MAVERICK PROPOSAL #23 : ORIGINALS
(Or, look who’s not a pawn star!)
“He bangs She Bangs, but Hung’s a refreshing original,” Miss SocietyWatch Cheong Suk-Wai gushed in the Straits Times’
Commentary/Analysis pages (May 20, 04). “So just how has Hung succeeded in being the mala tang (Mongolian hot soup) to millions today?”
(Hung, by the way, is the ‘gormless’ American Idol loser who went on
to score a no.1 on the Billboard indie chart with his album Inspiration.)
Her answer – “By being himself.”
So the point of it all for her, her bosses and the nation called
Singapore is… ta-da… “Hung dares to face the failure which I think
most Singaporeans are seriously lacking” – is Cheong’s big boner of a
Hung contention.
Well, on seriousness and failure, dare I remind all that not being
Singaporean, Hung knows zilch about ‘honest mistakes’ which any OBconscious Singaporean knows is not exactly a legal ‘entitlement’ of ordinary citizens. (Oh go on, spare some scapegoat-soul in the national press
to prove me wrong, why doncha?)
In conclusion, Cheong wrote: “He is so bad, he’s good. So, next to
today’s dime-a-dozen brash, blasé and bland celebrities (boy, does she
understand real celebrities here!), Hung’s pitchy yelps, stiff moves and
disarming grins are refreshing, compelling and, well, laugh-out-loud
funny. Now that’s entertainment.” …in America, she forgot to add.
Imagine a Hung in Singapore, “he’s so bad, he’s good”? Ha! If there
were such a character to gain national notoriety, our media corporation
would not be Mediacorp! Hello, have we so quickly forgotten, say, bad
English and how we went on about it as a bad role model and Singlish
being a threat to economic progress?
Has Cheong forgotten that at the end of every Uniquely Singapore
day (wrong grammar there but hey, we’re unique, as in - more than
unique, luv!), everything, not least entertainment and especially her column, is all about nation-building? I’m sure that despite her ‘noble’ intentions, she jolly well knows that a Hung in Singapore can only mean a
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noose around the neck of, shall we say, ‘good taste’. Or, the morality of
good taste when it suits society’s watching purposes. As for scoring a
no.1 album… As those army enlistment ads here implore you to do,
dream on, buster.
Like a true, honest-to-goodness, conservative society (let’s not forget
that mighty declaration!), Singapore believes in real talent and in real
talent being a disciplined and coveted profession. I mean what if Hung
urges his audience to vote opposition?
She (Cheong) bangs on about those being refreshingly ‘Hung’ but
don’t we all know that that’s ‘entertainment’ here in Singapore. And,
that’s laugh-out-loud not very funny at all. But that’s okay, cos we’re
Uniquely….funnily unfunny.
P.S. I hope Cheong sees what great service this essay does for her jobstatus, confirming her pro-active contribution to her bosses’ agendas.
Jun, 04
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TO SHZR WITH LOVE & QUESTIONS
Some of you may consider me petty to mind the bad review in the Straits
Times that Tan Shzr Ee gave of my band Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz’ sturdy performance on May 29 at the Esplanade. Well, if it were that simple,
I’d be the first to admit to being petty. But you have to remember what
Zircon Gov. is all about. Zircon Gov.’s ‘mentor’ has always deemed it
necessary to be intolerant of unjust criticism. And if only we were as rich
and powerful, we would have sued for artistic defamation. There, now
you realize how big-minded Zircon Gov. is. So, Ms. Tan Shzzz… whatever, know the feeling for once – don’t take it personally, it’s purely
business. Just as you go about yours, we have to maintain our credibility for the good of Zircon-nationhood.
Mere justification? You see, I’ve learned well. And you can bet your
sweet six-month bonus that I’ve got a hundred logic to spew forth if
needed. So, let’s go there.
“Are Singapore audiences uncouth?” Tan asked in another ST-report
referring to the incident where a group of school girls giggled loudly
during an Arts Fest dance performance and someone stood up and berated them (Jun 15, 04). She also “wonders what lessons can be learnt from
the incident if Singapore still has hopes of being an arts hub”.
The lesson I learned is that no matter how disgustingly uncouth
Singaporeans generally are, we should never tell them to their face. That
way, we still maintain good relations to be rewarded with the majority’s
support in TV-ratings, election-votes, etc. So yeah, good work, Ms Tan,
for knowing where thy boss’s butter needs to be polyunsaturated (!).
However, there is one tiny issue raised in Tan’s question: “Are
Singaporeans too wimpy about swear words?” (The giggling girls at the
dance performance were apparently told to shut up in a somewhat crude
way.) Can you believe the question there?
Well, yeah…because it has an agenda all its own, one that’s explained
by Tan’s next question: “Do we as a society with cosmopolitan aspirations, still need nannying by the ‘authorities’?” See! The point to all of
that is to convince us that we should now think for ourselves. So, I say
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– five figures or ten months’ bonus to Tan for her ‘noble’ rhetoric. (See
how big-hearted I am, despite the bad review!) Alright, just dangle more
big carrots, Big Bro! Here’s looking at exemplary yes-men mavericks
with hot-press pens!
David Schlesinger, managing editor of Reuters, was quoted in the
Sunday Times: “We don’t tell people what to vote, we don’t tell people
what to buy, we just tell the story” (Jun 13, 04). Obviously, our nation’s
re-made press-mavericks are now learning to simply ask the right questions.
Coming back to the topic of uncouth…
“Armed gang beat up man on bus” was the headline of a Home-report
in the ST (Jun 21, 04). A young man in his 20s was beaten up because
he happened to be waiting for a bus when two rival gangs clashed.
“Before he knew it, the group asked him what he was looking at. He said
he replied: ‘Why can’t I look?’ and that provoked the attack” - the report
stated.
Awww, poor thing. You mean your parents and Grandfather himself
didn’t tell you that one should never stare at a stranger (unless out of
lust) and that looking and staring are two different things? Oh, you poorpoor thing, I know you were simply taking the cue from everyone else
in Singapore cos we’re such a space-encroaching stare-dare lot, and we
don’t even know it! After all, there is no law to say you should not stare,
yeah?
Tan… Where are you? We need you to ask some more relevant questions there. As for my finger-pointing at the lot of you as yessss’s of our
universe…
May I remind all that for the hordes of Tan’s, Chua’s and Latif’s in
our maverick-rallying press, none really affected the needed change for
streaming in our education system until film-maker Jack Neo pointed the
way with his radical movie I Not Stupid two years ago. What were they
going on about everyday in the papers back then, huh? Didn’t Neo’s contention ever occur to them that the then-flaw in our education-system
needed to be addressed?
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Well yeah… only after the PM’s wife, Mrs. Goh Chok Tong, told the
press that she loved the movie so much she watched it three times! Only
then, did all the yes-men feel butt-covered to chime in with the praise
and call for change as well. That’s how ‘constructive’ our socio-cultural-political columnists in the main paper really are. You can just hear
them chant their lifeline-mantra everyday: “Cover my own ass first,
cover my own ass first.” Even Jack Neo, a mere employee of a quasientertainment arm, hummed a much-much bolder tune. Look ma! He’s
only an entertainer but he does so much more. Then again, I can think of
no yes-men more apt among our midst than our lot of ‘institutional
refugees’ so thankful for that six-month bonus.
They are the true ‘Legos’ in the construct of a country like ours. O,
how the name, in this context, conjures up echoes of sah-ka (Legs?
Oooh, we got three, watch us go!) and, paradoxically, of dispensability
as in being let-go. Imagine what desperados of job-security they must be
underneath that noble office veneer. What pawn-bishops they must
enrap their profession in! Actually, the poorest things once the headlines
are over.
Coming back to asking questions…
So, didn’t Neo’s contention ever occur to them…? See, that’s a question! I’ve also learned to ask and chime along. Shall I say then that one
good question begets another?
Jul, 04
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HEAVY HANDED OBSESSIONS : BLACKOUTS, BIRTHS & BUTTS
“Government acts to avoid more blackouts” was the big headline (in the
192-paged, Saturday-edition of the Straits Times, July 10, 04) in relation to
breakdowns in our nation’s power plants. The Minister of State (Trade &
Industry) issued this pubic statement: “I want all of you to have absolutely
no doubts that in our typically Singapore Govt. fashion, we are going to be
obsessive and we are going to be, if need be, heavy-handed…”. My-my,
what a wonderful disclosure that is – “obsessive” and “heavy-handed”,
self-proclaimed and declared as “typical”, no less. Can you blame me then
for being so obsessive with my X’Ho-Files?
That public statement, as reactionary hip-&-funky talk, also tells me that
my Files have been well followed and read by Big Brother’s holding company. I’m honored. BigO must feel the same way too. Allow me to adopt a
‘heavy-handed’ position and say thank-you to that certain Minister, despite
the non-public acknowledgement of my work and contribution to the system. Guess I should also thank all his henchmen for scouring up required
information on me.
Too much! – I hear you say of my gesture there. Hey, nothing’s too much
nowadays. Donch forget, we’re Uniquely Singapore – proud unto the world
and of our ‘faulty’ English slogans too. And donch you even dare think it a
‘heavy handed’ justification, we’ve proudly ‘obsessed’ about it already.
Fully justified, my love, of that hip-&-swinging mode.
“US court awards $75 million to families of 3 SilkAir victims” went the
top headline in the ST on July 9, 04. One of the crash-victim’s family said
“it did not file a lawsuit in Singapore”. Why, hah?
“How much space for advocacy groups?” was a question asked in the
204-paged, Saturday-edition of the ST on July 17, 04. The answer provided by the Insight columnist: “Interest groups can now be registered on a fast
track… only if they are not pursuing civil and political rights or the governance of Singapore… (or) human rights, environmental rights and animal
rights.” What does that leave us with then? Well, we are told a hip hop
dance group was granted the green light in just six short weeks. Funky!
As for the gay-awareness group People Like Us (PLU) that was turned
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down when it tried to register, Insight said “it would be contrary to public
interest to grant legitimacy to the promotion of homosexual activities and
view-points, at this point.”
In that case, I suppose openly condoned gay saunas, teeming with notowel-night splendor in dark rooms and thriving as businesses in our midst
now, are to be viewed as promoting health activities. Hello, do we know
hypocrisy even as it stares at our Merlion-dollar face? Going by the nonadvocacy of that issue, I suppose we don’t give a shit. Frankly, who does?
Insight by insiders with six-month bonus do, naturally, and with nothing
less than divine “heavy-handed” nonchalance in agenda-obsession.
On that same day, Mr. ‘Thinking Aloud’ Warren Fernandez wrote in his
piece about Birth Dearth, Age Rage – “How does industry achieve new
economies of scale when the number of consumers is no longer growing,
much less perpetually falling? What sustains the value of your house, or
your retirement portfolio, when there are even fewer younger people to
whom you might sell your accumulated assets?” Good question,
Mr.Warranted. Why not ask the Boss, who’s suppose to know it all, have
all the quick-turnaround solutions and who DECREES WHAT OUR
HUMAN RIGHTS ARE?
Mind you, those two articles – the Insight on advocacy groups and the
one advocating population-growth – sat page-to-page of each other. Pressarrogance as you’ll not see elsewhere. But do we REALLY care? O, please
read Insight in future to obsessively tell you with great pillars-of-society
pride that we do.
“Mature themes OK under pay-TV ratings” was a ST headline on July
1, 04. “One of the first shows to make use of the new ratings will be the
much talked-about Sex And The City series… aired with some cuts.” I marvel at the way the Media Development Authority bothered to explain at
length about the why’s and why-for’s of it all. Simply spare us the fuss and
say - all those intelligent TV viewers who wanted to watch the series have,
by now, watched it on DVD anyway. Perhaps a sign of muddled obsession
for justification, hence the media fuss.
One film-industry person was quoted saying: “It now becomes the con-
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sumers’ responsibility to decide what to watch as the (new) rating system
provides them with an informed choice.” Can we then assume that it is the
authorities’ fault that we weren’t given that “informed choice” before? But
why weren’t we, anyway? Huh? We weren’t ready? Or should that be – Big
Brother wasn’t ready?
In a separate story titled “More choice, fewer options” (how poignant
is that of the new remade Singapore in general!), ST film-critic Ong Sor
Fern asked: “Why isn’t Kill Bill Vol.1 on video (in Singapore)?” (July 20,
04). Unlike her, I don’t even begin to wonder about that, rhetorically or otherwise. I just know. But then, she’s the sort who actually states (as conclusion in her story) – “I never thought I would see the day when there would
be a case for censorship”. Woah! Far out. Where’s her head been all this
while? I guess we are talking about someone who’s been living in a fivestar bonus world of utter belief in the Remade system. How enviable,
unlike those of us who saw enough through the sham of “more choice,
fewer options” to simply think Amazon.com.
Oh lordy mama, look whose work was exhibited at the Singapore Art
Museum – Pierre et Gilles! And so it has come to be for Singapore - Pierre
et Gilles, with cocks and balls, hanging for all to see and finally recognized
as art by the conservative Singapore establishment (some 20 years too
late)! Anyway, can we now display that aesthetic photo-painting with the
phallus in public - any place in public - since it’s art? Eh, who’s not ready?
Those needing simple justifications? Pardon my newly acquired art-obsession to get Pierre et Gilles into the streets. It’s all about being ‘with-it’! (My
siow friend says: Whatcha goin’ on about Pear and Jill for? It’s R(A)-art,
leh. Got such a thing cos this is Uniquely Singapore, mah.)
Big blurb on the front-page of The Sunday Times – “Forget Perth.
Singaporeans retiring in China” (June 13, 04). Don’t you just love how
retirement plans are made to look like they’ve got nothing to do with personal needs but everything to do with… economic peace for the good of
all! And in case you accuse me of repeating myself ever so often, “So at
home in China” was the blurb for another ST story (some two weeks later
on June 26, 04) on a Singaporean who’s so “bicultural, he’s mistaken for a
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mainland-born Chinese”. China in your hands, y’all, screamed left, right
and center; lest you didn’t get the message. And since you’re Singaporean,
chances are your numb-skull didn’t.
“It’s about consumer safety” was the great rationale given by the Chief
Justice who was quoted in the ST on July 9, 04 on the court ruling in favor
of damages awarded to TV-actress Andrea De Cruz for consuming a healthdamaging slimming supplement. Ahhh, but then isn’t the Govt. Watchdog
in the least bit accountable? We simply wonder in silence, if at all we do!
Of course, the Chief Justice said the Watchdog can’t be held responsible for
every slip-up in checks. Do we know that already, people? Don’t we know,
beyond undoubtable doubt, whose divine prerogative it is to make honest
mistakes? I’m quite obsessed with prerogatives, I must admit. Otherwise,
how to write these Files bankrupt-free?
One last question – if there’s a Cheers for every 7-Eleven and an NTUC
for every Cold Storage in our midst, why isn’t there a Singapore answer to
Ikea? (My siow friend says that’s because with Ikea, it requires good taste
and real style.) And please, don’t embarrass our nation by replying – yah,
got Courts! Poor English, that’s why!
Good enough an ass-saving retort for you there? You gotta hand it to me.
I am, after all, shamelessly “heavy handed” with the Singapore obsession
to butt-cover -- and with self-(pre)serving justifications unlimited, of
course. All hail to Supreme Kiasu-ism, the hidden specter of our nation’s
success. Just ask the man from Trade & Industry.
Aug, 04
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IT’S YOUR BACKSIDE AGAINST THEIRS !
And so it’s come to be! A brand new title for the new era of our ‘Uniquely
Singapore’ (now you see how ungrammatical uniquely is). The title Minister Mentor. Sounds almost saintly, like a supreme id. A master ego
of our universe. But y’know, the honorable one is indeed inspiring. In a
report on the Minister Mentor’s views on China (Straits Times, Aug 17,
04), the headline read – Political, economic reforms ‘need not go hand in
hand’. The supreme one was quoted quoting Chinese leader Deng
Xiaoping: “If I have to shoot 200,000 students to save China from another 100 years of disorder, so be it.” It’s easy to mistake that quote as one
coming from the supreme Mentor himself. So, I, being ‘paranoically’
Singaporean, can only deduce that the speech was so cleverly written that
a blinder X’ Ho would have gone to town on a sorry mistake with the
quote. Therefore, I have to congratulate myself for spotting all the little
cat-&-mouse mind traps of unique mentors in this invisible OB-markers
system. I hear some say – what a lame gripe that is. Well, not really. I do
pride myself in being truly Singapore in being win-win about EVERYTHING!
Anyway, here’s why I find the supreme one inspiring. To borrow some
words from that aforementioned quote, I’ll say this: If I have to shoot my
mouth off at 20 balls-carriers of the Remaking Singapore agenda at the
risk of sounding like a whiney cowardly nag, so be it! (Thank you,
supreme one.)
Considering that my (last) book The Attack Of The SM Space
Encroachers has very quickly been rendered yesterday’s news (except for
sweet ole Select Books and Disc Sonics, the shops don’t even bother to
stock it anymore unless you place an order), I now say to myself – move
with the times, X’! The big SM syndrome (referring to sng muay, of
course) is so yesterday. For our Uniquely new climate, the emphasis
should now be on… ta-da, the MM space encroachers – as in ‘moneyminded’ (but of course!).
These days, we are bombarded everyday with the new PM’s proud
new ‘reforms’ –“Raising junior is easier now”, “Big home grant to nudge
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older singles towards altar”, “Wishes met, now for baby no.2”, “Baby,
baby”… So, baby-baby, me sick of reading all that in the papers? Of
course not. I love it. Desperation signs clearly on the wall. How fabulous.
Let those who don’t hear the Gov.’s call lament. For me, I rejoice.
“Post-1965 Singaporeans, who are they?” – the Straits Times asked on
Aug 21, 04. I’d say they are the ones who believe it’s okay to jest as broadcasters on national radio that when you’re interested in a girl, you should
ask her if she’s wearing white panties. And never mind that “masturbating
each other’s egos” was said with figurative intent. It’s okay because we are
“hip & funky”, aren’t we?
Let me elaborate by showing you my answers to a questionnaire some
weekly freebie rag sent me about ‘self-censorship’; also because I trust
they won’t be running my answers in full, if at all.
SELF CENSORSHIP QUESTIONNAIRE
(topic:) The new Prime Minister has encouraged us to “express
diverse views, pursue unconventional ideas or simply be different.”
Question: Are you now more likely to speak your mind about public
policies, and why?
X’Ho: Not any more or less than I usually do and only if I can find an
angle to gripe and vent. I can’t imagine responding on cue (to the call to
speak up) cos I’m not a digitized Singaporean. (See, even answering your
question is an opportunity to gripe.)
Q: Does this make you more comfortable about speaking your mind
in letters to newspapers or your MP? Why?
X’Ho: I never waste my time writing to the papers about Singapore. They
know what I’m all about. I’d write to MPs only about my HDB apartment.
Anyway, why shouldn’t mere mortals feel comfortable since the new PM
has given the green light? We’re about responding to auto-cues, remember?
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Q: If you really said what you thought, are you afraid of a backlash?
X’Ho: I always say what I wanna say with one hand covering my backside. That way I get to say all that I wanna say. I’ve learned well from
being born, raised and bruised here. And please, I’m not Sheikh Haikel
(who was sacked from his deejaying job for making a ‘crude’ joke). I’m
from the much older school that knows ‘hip-&-funky’ as an agenda.
Hence, I’m proudly “clinically detached” (as one reporter described me)
as a deejay. After all, I know all about invisible OB-markers. So, a backlash? They surely wouldn’t wish that on me or they’d get my gripes hurled
back ten-fold in return.
Q: What signals does the government need to send to encourage people to speak up?
X’Ho: Our government is a huge success. Naturally, just continue to send
what it’s always been sending – be it 6-month bonuses or Singapore
shares. Can the government here trip, fall or fail? The moon falling from
the sky is more plausible – and I’m not being sarcastic.
Q: Do the OB markers need to be defined, and why?
X’Ho: Let me tell you, innocent one! A State Minister of ours once said,
“OB-markers cannot be defined because it is not possible to define everything by law. If you try to define it precisely then others will play around
that definition and say they are not doing anything wrong” (Straits Times,
May 26, 1999). Now that we’ve gone ‘hip-&-funky’ these days, people
will turn around and ask you like you’re some uptight alien from yesterspace – OB markers? Where got? Yes, we’re that desperate now about getting people to “use their brain”, be creative and speak up again.
Nonetheless, I’d say - unless you’re willing to fall into a Sheikh Haikel
predicament, it’s better to be proud of being the yester-alien. It’s your
backside against theirs. Poor Haikel. My sympathies to the guy though he
hardly needs any. He’s a family man, and in our society that’s infinitely
more welcomed than someone like me. So f#*!* (sic) on, Sheikh! (Well,
is that what you guys would call self-censoring?)
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As to why the big ‘backlash’ on those two poor ‘post-1965’ part-time
deejays (the other being Jamie Tan) who uttered the off-color remarks on
prime-time radio even as we are told to use our brains and even with a
nationally declared ‘new open-ness’… I have a couple of age-old explanations: the Gov. has to be seen to act when someone complains. So, don’t
you ever say the Gov. never listens to you or that it never acts on transgressions no matter how slight they may be, hor. It’s all about opportune
accountability, especially to the people. Besides, may I remind all on
behalf of our “sincere, honest and humble” new Big Brother that “the
mainstream moral values of Singaporeans are conservative” (- a
Singapore Police Force statement, ST, June 16, 2000).
Do you need another 100 justifications for the sack? I’ll be glad to go
on. But since I’m already such a nag, I shall be churlish and win-win about
it to stop at two explanations. With my pointy fingers always on the buttpulse, I take it that two is quite enough for now, don’t you think!
Sept, 04
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OBVIOUS MONOPOLY RESTORED
(Oh how we r ule out the obvious!)
Sept 04 was the month when Singapore’s national media triumphed shamelessly…. again. (Or should that be shameless na… Nah, the self-defendant
in me says cannot!)
In early Sept., BigO Update – the bi-weekly e-mailer (which carries
monthly updates of my Files) ceased circulation. To date, no one knows
why. Some suspect it’s an act of self-censorship before the anti-spam laws
come into effect. One thing is obvious, its endless Mirror Of Youthful
Opinion countdown of no-weapons-of-mass-destruction-found, ISDdetainees-still-detained, etc. was too intensely pleasurable for Big Brother to
stomach. Anyone could guess that. So why is BigO so mum about the closure of its Update? What causes silence?
Oh, have you heard of this terrific metal magazine called Terrorizer? It
comes with a free CD-sampler called Fear Candy. No kiddin’. My thoughts
now stray towards the Necessary Stage and Najip Ali, as I imagine how
these poor pals of mine must have once ‘headbanged’ out of line into acquiescence to, at least, swim ‘mainstream’. Or is it just age? Good self-warning
it is then… Before I get OLD, too…!
On Sept 17, 04, news broke that Singapore Press Holdings’ TV channel
U & channel i will merge with Mediacorp’s channels 8 & 5 and TV Mobile
under a new company Mediacorp TV Holdings Pte. Ltd, while the free
newspaper Streats (published by SPH) will merge with Mediacorp’s Today
paper. In simpler terms – i and Streats will close. What was the headline
from the Straits Times on the matter? ‘Win-win mergers’ (Sept 18, 04), no
less.
One industry associate remarked – “See, Singapore is too small for a
media competition”. Oh, but of course, darling. Like I said before, “If John
Littles wanna open 10 new Marks & Spencer and call it competition (in
retail), of course the premise is too small…” (Dec, 03 X’ Ho-Files). Not to
mention all the rules. Anyway, guess what our nation’s pillar-propping press
in the pen of Chua Mui Hoong trumpeted in relation to the merge? “Given
the cut-throat competition that saw both companies bleeding for four years,
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few would have predicted such a win-win deal.” (ST, Sept 19, 04). How not
to marvel or chuckle at such a bum-sucking remark! And what does
Mediacorp have to divulge? It will focus on “going regional” (Sept 18, 04).
I could have told you that even without a six-month-bonus prospect.
One siow friend pointed out – “Taiwan’s free media was slammed in the
papers that very same day of the merge news. In Singapore, we have no such
problem at all. All dogs under one woof now.” Have been and always will
be, may I add. Another wise pal reminded in partial Singlish – “Why are we
still jerking ourselves over what the garment says, promises, dangles…
Surely we know better by now to do despite, in spite…RIP.” Yes, we’d surely hold our peace, but to say nothing while those bum-sucking licks fly
would be like letting Chee Soon Juan go scot-free… Have to be
Singaporean about it mah.
It’s true, we should be glad of the merge. It points to one clear Uniquely
Singapore phenomenon – redoubtable monopoly. Let Ms. Chua come up
with 200 synonyms of sugar-coated rationale for it. It’s her job to do so anyway. As long as we know better than to bother beyond rejoicing for Nanny’s
good old (undisguised) monopoly restored… Must be her utter belief in
Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz’ album-title Follywood that has prompted her to
conclude – let’s not kid ourselves!
Here’s one bleedin’ news that should surprise no one as well… “Durian
smells good” (ST, Sept 21, 04) - on how the non-profit, public-funded arts
center The Esplanade is in the black. “Do the math (on) key figures from
financial year 2003/2004”, it tells us. Total operating expenditure - $48.9
million. Total income -$17.3 million. Deficit before grants - $31.6 million.
Total government grants - $39.7 million. Balance from grants - $8.1 million.
What does that tell a layman like me? Obviously, what Big Brother wants
(to achieve), Big Brother gets. Next time He says no go, just know it means
he no want to go. $39.7 million leh! Can you honestly say it didn’t partly
come from Passion? For the love of death-metal amidst this Cradle Of Filth,
let me shout it out loud like a lover Enslaved to all disbelieving devils out
there – our nation is an obvious success! That’s obvious? If it were so, the
newspaper wouldn’t resort to such ridiculous bum-sucking lengths to make
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believers of us all. Then again, it would anyhow. Kiasu, after all, is as kiasu
does.
Wanna hear a doubled bum-suck?
Some senior research fellow (Sunanda K.Datta Ray) at the Institute of
SE Asian Studies wrote in the Straits Times’ Commentary/Analysis on Sept
2, 04: “Singaporeans, including the most intellectual critics of the system,
are far too comfortable with the status quo to hanker for a real transformation. But this might come about willy nilly, if the man at the top desires it,
and that is what I fear most about the new leadership.” Tasty. Nothing like a
groveling and slobbering intellectual lick. But allow me to show you the
bum-crack.
A taxi driver casually pointed this out in the ST on Sept 19, 04: “When
(foreigners) ask me about Singapore, I tell them what I know, but when they
discuss politics with me, I tell them I don’t know and cannot comment. We
were told during courses that we are drivers, not politicians, and should not
discuss politics.” So now we know for sure!
Willy nilly, sugar-Ray may be too comfortably ensconced in his BMW to
know the true hair-splitting dictates decreed by our (new) leaders. Grassroots is obviously not where academic bum-suckers slaver their licks right,
no matter how doubly sugar-coated their artful tang is. Tang goodness,
there’s still Ms. Chua!
P.S. Note to Big Brother. Don’t let your pen-pushing press-slaves tell you
I’m doing them great disservice, when in fact, I’m keeping them on their
toes. Big-fat salaries and suck-up allegiance have their own way of getting
complacent and carelessly ‘obvious’. Consider it my volunteer work.
Oct, 04
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REAL DRUG OF THE NATION, ANYONE ?
Sheikh Haikel - homegrown rapper and youth-ambassador in Singapore.
Sacked from Perfect 10 for muttering a silly lewd joke. So how? Well, now
that we’re gonna bust a drug-trafficking syndicate we’ve been trailing and we
know that Haikel is clean, let’s bust it when he happens to be there. We’ll
arrest him along with the rest and make him look like a confirmed twicewhammied baddie. (Oct 13, 04, The New Paper: “I was in wrong place at
wrong time.”) When all the urine/blood-tests have been done, we can
announce to the whole nation that Haikel is really innocent. Reputation rescued. Mission accomplished. After all, he is a proud young father of two lovely infants and he believes in the system. He deserves a chance to redeem himself.
That’s the kind of imaginative thinking I applaud. An imagination that
knows how to think out of the box and not merely rely on headlines.
Ridiculous? Nothing can be proved when we’re talking about secret intelligence, dear. So now, Haikel and TV news-presenter Cheryl Fox (- she, also
host of Singapore’s Brainiest Kids, was the other celeb nabbed at that headline-grabbing drug bust last month) could well be tomorrow’s shining ambassadors of youth-culture cos they now possess the ‘danger’factor. Too squeaky
clean just won’t do no more in this day and age of Paris Hilton, MTV Punk’d
and Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz. Just look out for them in the headlines as agents
of our fortuitous fortune to help enrich your Stepford lives.
“Drug users are bad people.” That sounds like something parents would
tell their kids. Nanny, too, to her one-look, one-style, one-choice tribe (who
are nothing but gullible kids in her fortunes-&-men’s-eyes anyway). Mental
conformity is the key to Singapore’s economic and peace success (no matter
how we are encouraged to think out of the box now; precisely the reason why
we need to, in order to secure some future leaders in these mentally deficient
times). The Sunday Times (on Oct 24, 04) gave a neat breakdown of the
harmful effects of cocaine, cannabis, ecstasy, ice and ketamine, along with the
legal penalties a user faces. Let me tell you what I said in a recent interview
(which may or may not see the light of day anyway).
“Did you know that back in the 1920s, alcohol was outlawed in America?
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So, imagine how recreational drugs will be viewed half a century from now.
The UK has already decriminalized cannabis. Do read William Burroughs to
understand why drug prohibition is really all about ignorance and compounding State-control. Of course drugs are a problem when people are poorly educated. Same goes for the need for censorship.”
Pur-lese, I’m not condoning drug abuse anymore than alcohol abuse, so
get it right. Though mere simpletons won’t. Of course, some concerned individual wrote to the papers to say one shouldn’t rely on drugs for a social kick,
blah-blah-blah. Maybe we should (still) ban alcohol, after all, for being a
social clinker.
Wanna talk about the social ills of drug abuse? Why not look at the social
repercussions of Vietnamese-bride buying?
‘Four hours – and he finds a Viet bride’ through licensed agencies set up
in Singapore, no less (Straits Times, Oct 19, 04). We’re talking about some 51
year-old Singaporean bachelors paying up to $12,888 to marry Vietnamese
women, aged 19 to 30, whom they don’t even know. Call it a legit sex-trade,
if you will. 19 and tender, bro! (By the way, Chinese men make up almost
nine in 10 of the 67,000 bachelors aged 35 to 49 in our population of nearly
four million. There are another 11,236 aged 50 to 59, according to a 2000 census reported on that October day.) “Singapore girls are very difficult” – is how
one bachelor described our fairer sex.
So why does all this ‘economic slavery’ go quietly sanctioned in a society
that prides itself in being industrialized, modern and moralistic? All
Singaporeans implicitly understand there’s a falling birth-rate problem among
the Chinese, and that’s a problem that needs to be urgently addressed. Well,
when Big Brother has a problem, let it be known and remembered that He
fixes it AT ALL COSTS. Latent negative repercussions are explained away as
crossing the bridge when we get to it. Don’t worry, over here in Singapore,
nobody will dream of accusing Big Brother of being short-sighted or, for that
matter, anything derogatory (the media is wholly State-controlled, love).
The moral issue of today’s recreational drugs will probably change 60 years
from now. I doubt if the bride-buying one is gonna be tolerated by humanitarians even now. But really, would you hear about it on TV or in the news? Self-
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censorship is to blame, lor!
As for upholding whatever values, howzabout noting that for the first issue
of the Life! supplement - Urban - the cover-feature was: “How to marry a millionaire – tips on how to marry into money” (Oct 21, 04). Bye-bye Asian values, out the window you go! Or, is raising the issue of boosting marital stats
so desperately sought that we don’t need to look at future bridges to cross ‘til
we get there? In that case, same funky open-ness then.
Y’know, way back then, we weren’t allowed to listen to the Sex Pistols,
nor would radio welcome Joy Division and the Slits. But now, we’re missing
John Peel who passed away on Oct 26, 04. Never mind the bollocks, here’s
the tearful obituary.
Kim Hastreiter, editor-in-chief of New York’s Paper wrote in the October
04 issue of the magazine: “I guess it’s all about power. The power to keep control, whether by fear or other means, has become more important than the
power to unify or make things better. Meanwhile, the radical right that took
over… continues feigning to be moderate even as it acts anything but.” Is she
talking just about America, people…? Right on, sister, for being so trans-globally forthright!
One more thing, in her Reflect column on Sunday Oct 31, 04, Ms. Chua
Mui Hoong made another pitch for that hot agenda-talk on education-system
turnaround. “Let education be more about lighting the fire of interest in the
young and less about passing examinations,” the blurb for her column went.
You gotta feel sorry for someone who acts like she’s just realized this now…
for purely occupational reasons. Or should that be simply excused away as
nation-building chivalry?
Nov, 04
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POLICY JUSTIFIED ( OH, BUT OF COURSE ! )
For those who think that I’ve often over-stated our System’s penchant for
win-win justification, I’ve got news for you. A report in the Straits Times
on Nov 18, 04, with the headline “No independent media?”, went: “
Singapore’s reputation as a global city will not be affected by international media organization - Reporters Sans Frontiers (RSF) ranking the
Republic as the lowest developed country in terms of press freedom.” The
reason given by Big Brother’s henchman – “Singapore’s media model was
different.” Of course it is, darling.
Not unexpectedly and never too obviously defensive, the report then
went on to point out that, nonetheless, “Singapore was ranked the second
most global country in the 2004 A. T. Kearney Globalization Index,
which ranks countries on economic integration, technological connectivity, personal contact and political engagement… Singapore also emerged as
the best governed city in another survey by Jones Lang LaSalle, based on
aspects of governance such as integrity, stability and efficiency, he (-that
certain local Minister) added.” (So, I guess it wouldn’t be too much for me
to rip-roar – we’re simply the greatest!)
Returning to that press-freedom ranking, the Minister’s statement was:
“Our media has a tremendously important role in this national effort by rallying Singaporeans to do the things which matter most to Singapore. This
is certainly more important than… to gain the favors of international ranking association.” Oh, so then we shouldn’t really bother with the A. T.
Kearney and Jones Lang LaSalle rankings either, should we? (Btw, if
America were to define responsible press the way we do, she may as well
write off the Fifth Amendment.) Anyway…
I rest my case about Singapore being win-win in justifications to the
max and being shamelessly obvious. The aforementioned report clearly
speaks for itself. But no worries, it won’t ever speak to no Singaporean
who always has the better perspective to do the things which matter most
to the country…. Yadda-yadda-yadda.
And so our Minister Mentor has related his “personal struggles with language” (ST, Nov 26, 04) and why bilingualism has “to undergo a radical
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shift” in the education system now. He stresses that “realistically, the vast
majority of people can master only one language and that parents should
have the choice over which master language they want for their children”.
Wonder what took him so long to realize something as rudimentary as that?
Being in a nation of chow Ah Bengs makes it that much harder to think
straight, perhaps?
“Error in execution, not in policy” – the ST was quick to defend the
“radical shift”. Yadda-yadda-yadda. Goes to show that I’ve been right all
along in saying that intentions were good but the extent of execution is
detestable. As for the vast majority of parents deciding for their children…
Look, two days later (Nov 28), the ST trumpeted – “Cool
speak…Hooked on Chinese… more Singaporean Chinese are embracing
their once dreaded mother tongue”. Can it be possible that the feature was
aimed at dissuading other Chinese from embracing their mother tongue?
Looks like the undecided needn’t worry about indecisions, if you ask me.
Obviously, nothing’s too obvious for Singaporeans to stomach. In fact,
turn in an obvious propaganda and Singaporeans will think it’s a trickquestion. At the risk of repeating myself, may I remind all that BigO has
(self-)terminated its bi-weekly e-mail updates and no one is really asking
why. No one could, no one dares, no one bothers…. But then, no one even
begins to ponder the implication of all that! Amazing. Uniquely Singapore,
indeed. Not to forget, hip & swinging too.
I’ve come to realize one thing about the big casino debate – to have or
not to have one on our oh-so-moralistic shores, is the big question. You
know what? It’s certainly not as imperative to have casinos as the pro-economic argument upholds, and that’s my take. If it were that important to
have casinos for our economic good, there’d be casinos by now. Look, did
they ever ask the public if it was alright to license gay saunas on these
shores? Yet, gay saunas (with bustling free-sex in dark rooms) are thriving
with no questions asked because of our urgent need to preserve the pink
dollar. So if you ask me, I’ll say that there’ll be no casinos in Singapore at
the end of the debate *. Just so we can show our people and the world that
we are indeed truly democratic about it! Hah! Not democratic enough for
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me to put two and two together, luv!
Allow me now to introduce my own ranking of Singapore. My beloved
country is probably the most un-supportive country in the world when it
comes to homegrown English pop. We’re talking figures, honey. For a population of almost 4 million, we’re not that miserably small a pond. By right,
we could still sell triple platinum! Ah… but then, you know what qualifies
as a homegrown English bestseller? Let me tell you, innocent ones out
there – 500. Not 500,000, honey. 500 units! (Discounting local English
Christian-pop CDs sold in churches, of course.) I dare say that for a country whose business language is English and the majority of her kids educated in English, we WILL qualify as the country with the poorest homegrown English-CD sales in proportion to the number of English-speakers.
Why the dismal and pathetic support for homegrown English pop?
Wanna be told how the government killed off the local English scene 35
years ago?
That would take quite a few essays if not an entire book of revelation.
Or, simply ask those who know… if not BigO. And, of course, the policy
that started the massacre was justified. We’re quite-quite sure of that.
Dec, 04
* I was wrong, this one time, about the great casino debate (see X’HoFiles, May 05). Looks like the people’s voice mattered less than economic
gain!
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STRATEGIZE US BLIND
“Don’t gripe. Singaporeans have reason to be thankful” – went a strategically placed top letter printed in the Straits Times’ Forum page on Dec
17, 04. The letter-writer – a Mdm. Wong Ling Fong – said,
“Singaporeans have these: good food, a roof over their head and peace
in the country. What more can we ask for?” I agree, that is soooo much
in return for a mere sacrifice of personal freedom and dignity, not to
mention the human soul! How can we, a nation of debris, not be grateful? I shall try my level best not to feel embarrassed the next time I’m
on board a plane and a Singaporean opens his or her mouth to speak. (In
heartland, the din serves as a natural blockade!) To my siow friend –
keep your fly-swatter meant for speaking Singaporeans, we should be
proud of our countrymen, legard-less! (And we’re not referring simply
to semantics and spelling.)
“HIV testing begins for pregnant women” (ST, Dec 16, 04). The very
next day, the headline was – “Most women accept HIV test”. What could
be more predictable (a strategy) than that? Did you seriously think
there’d be no follow-up of an approval for any policy or ruling put into
effect? Here’s a telling sign of our national kiasu-ness: A new Singtel
mobile ad says – “Be first to 3 G”! As the Chinese saying goes: We are
surely a product of our master’s persona.
Top banner blurb in The Sunday Times on Dec 5, 04: “Opposition
politician Harbans Singh dies”, declared with a photograph of the
deceased, no less. My siow friend’s cheap joke of the day goes: A good
opposition politician in Singapore is, of course, a dead one! Sorry to get
this obvious, I’m simply repeating, y’know, a national strategy. Let’s get
obvious… shamelessly!
A certain Dr. Thio Su Mien wrote to ST’s Forum saying, “The decision of the police not to give a licence for the Christmas ‘gay party’
planned by Fridae.com, as this undermines the public interest, is to be
strongly commended.” (Dec 17, 04). (My siow friend wants to know her
already!) Well then, can we commend the police for granting licenses
to local gay saunas with thriving no-towel and rampant free-sex as
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being done for public interest as well? Eh… nobody complained? Dr.
Thio, are you there? In your own words- “public health”, leh! I, too, am
waiting to congratulate the police’s “vigilance… in protecting the health
of our nation and our social well-being” just as Dr. Thio thinks that the
police’s objection to the Snowball 04 party “warrants the nation’s gratitude and thanks”. Maybe Dr. Thio only goes where nation-hood treads...
I hear you retort – everything is up to me to say only what (- nothing
like some good ole national-identity Singlish-speak!). Well, exactly lor.
If only foreigners know what it all means… Sorry to jump the gun here:
Wait ‘til you hear about toilet-training as being done in the name of
nation-building and public health! Frankly, when it comes to such driving agendas, I can’t wait. Neither can my siow friend.
One December day, that siow friend text’d me on the mobile the following message:
“Freedom is when you have nothing to fear – neither God, the Devil,
nor Lee Kuan Yew; neither death nor loneliness – Catherine Lim
declared in the papers”.
Y’ see, Ms. Lim is the Singapore writer who was publicly censured
by the Gov. some time back during our island’s dark ages for making a
disparaging remark about our high-&-mighty system. Today – yes, the
so-called ‘rival’ newspaper – had her on the front-page on Nov 19, 04
with the headline “The litmus test of a more open society”. Funny how
I’m never ever flaunted as a litmus. Well, that’s because I’ll know if I’m
being used as a pawn in some open-society agenda to never allow it (if
I do one of these fine dandy days, you, my alert reader, will know that
I’ve been held for ‘ransom’). Anyway, I do have to credit Ms. Lim for
publicly acknowledging the power of our revered Minister Mentor as
one next to God and the Devil. What literary skill! Balls are just for
show now.
What sad news Saturday Dec 18, 04 brought. “Booming Macau set
to be world’s casino capital…with takings of US$3.7 billion last year (it
was just US$1 billion in 1999)”. And we’re still on a to-have-or-not-tohave debate. Told you we gotta practise unique democracy for the
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System to work better! But then, just this once, it may be good to keep
throwing the argument around to look after our transparent-&-democratic agenda.
Also in that same day’s Straits Times, “Bhutan becomes first country
to ban tobacco sales”. That’s another first we’ve lost out on. See how
kind our Big Brother is to not resort to such a ban. Tact, my darling, tact!
Here’s comforting news to my brothers up north in Thailand who fear
that their wonderful country of smiles is increasingly becoming more
like our land of a thousand frowns and scowls. Top Of The News in The
Sunday Times on Dec 19, 04: “Rebels trained in Malaysia, says the Thai
PM”. You see, our Big Brother here would never say something like that
about anyone, much less about a neighbor! Having good PR-skills and
being diplomatic is the key, and appearance is everything!
The very same day’s Lifestyle section of the papers fully substantiates my point. The cover story (‘Empire Of The Son’) is on the boss of
Hong Leong – touted as “Singapore’s richest man”. Of course, all thinking Singaporeans who read that would have smirked in response, asking:
Really? Even richer than you-know-who? Cannot be, right? But can you
imagine if true wealth were made public?
Like I said, appearance is everything. That includes no corruption,
darling!
Jan, 05
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BOO, I READ YOU
One of the first web-cruisers to leave a note on my xhosux.com website’s
Rant & Rave bulletin-board was Dr. Vivian Balakrishnan, who’s now the
Acting Minister for Community Development, Youth & Sports. The brief
note he posted was officious and telling: “Here’s a stayer”. It implicitly
states that for all my public gripes, I’m still living here, so Big Brother is
making an example of me anyway. My reply, more in line with how
national agendas are vaulted nowadays - i.e. defensively shameless - went
something like this: “I’m staying just so I can gripe some more. Staying
can be such sweet sorrow.”
The high-profile Minister is, these days, the big time rep for Big Bro’s
outreach program to youths, cos he sure can pass for a peer-undergrad to
blend in with our gullible young. There he was blinking puppy-eyed optimism in a photograph taken at the launch of Youthink – a new section
introduced to the Home pages of Straits Times on Jan 10, 05. It plainly
spells desperate measures to win over the long-alienated young cos Big
Brother can’t afford the alienation no more. Y’know these days, he’s got
to swallow all his pride and intolerance to watch you dudes get away with
chopper-looking bikes and in-yer-face tattoos on TV!
The big headline for the launch report (Jan 5, 05): “Speak up even if it
jars, Vivian tells youths” (not Dr. Balakrishnan tells youths, mind you.
Would they ever say – Kuan Yew tells retirees? How chummy). Why the
big reaching out? Are Singaporean youths born reticent and un-vocal?
All Singaporeans know that if we are a pretty un-vocal and submissive
lot, we’ve been ‘beaten’ into silence or, at best, acquiescence. But now
that the Internet has empowered the individual to be heard worldwide, Big Bro may as well look generous and radical. Besides, we are
in dire need of future leaders too (that’s why he now loves your peer culture, twinkies!). After all, he has long alienated most folks from politics –
an arena that’s become his divine right. Any dissenting view even when
made during General Election season can become libelous in court with
ensuing bankruptcy for the too-vocal opposition party concerned. Hence,
defensively, shamelessly, Uniquely Singapore, lor (not ‘unique’ as gram-
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mar dictates, but you can’t imagine how more-than-unique we are!).
The big quote from sweet smiling Vivian in the papers for that January
report was: “The real fear of Singapore, as a country, is that our best days
are over. We started off with nothing, we built up and became an enormous success overnight, one generation. Then the question: what next?”
I must say that I’m disappointed in that anxiety. Looks like Viv’s optimism can’t beat mine. Personally, I would never, for a moment, fear that
Singapore’s best days are over. Never. Honestly. If our best days are
over, it’s a matter of how you define best. Or perhaps - we are really
getting to be better than best. Or, who needs best when we’ve got this,
this, this and this. Or simply, look, who says our best days are over?!
Besides, the best reason I can give for thinking that is – we’ve got the PAP
for government. Isn’t the PAP the bestest of the best, the greatest of the
great, and the be-all of Singapore’s end-all? The PAP can do no wrong.
Honest mistakes, maybe, but certainly no wrong whatsoever, if you ask
me. So the best days are over? The PAP can never fail Singapore now or
ever. That’s why it’s the only government of choice, remember?
If my argument is skewed and flawed, I can only blame it on the daily
press that has come to shape my beliefs. How else are my perceptions
engaged and how do you think I get to see that bigger picture? I have no
access to secret intelligence and Lord, no - Big Brother, knows I am not
into politics at all.
Some Dr. Lim person wrote in to the Straits Times Forum on Jan 10,
’05 saying: “Inculcate some manners too through Youthlink”. My
response is – no worries, we’ll even enforce Confucius ethics wherever
applicable. And now that we’re so open a society, please don’t be alarmed
if we employ some other unconventional or maverick tactics to indoctrinate our young. Be it foam parties, MTV or skate-park composites. For
those who are worried about where it all leads… You should understand
how it is here - economic and political agendas override all; yes, even socalled moral ethic is secondary if truth be told, e.g. where went the
moral argument for casinos and, hush-hush, sleazy gay saunas? But
guess what, our nation’s primary economic and political agendas some-
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how always reflect your neediest concerns, wouldn’t you say? If ever in
doubt, lay your mind to rest, we’ve got Asad Latif, Warren Fernandez and
Chua Mui Hoong to the rescue and they’ll be on the case soon enough if
need be!
Speaking of the daily press, last month’s Fannn Of The Month in the
Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz page of my website xhosux.com made mention
that the ST did not carry a picture of opposition party leader Chee Soon
Juan when he was reported for alleged dishonesty in court. In contrast, a
report on a deceased opposition leader (Harbans Singh) carried a photo
for identification (of which I also stated in my Files last month that we can
deduce that a good opposition leader is hence a dead one). Well, what do
you know…. By the time that January Fannn’s remark was up on xhosux.com/zircon, there was a big pic of Chee in the ST! So readers, you
may not be officially told, but hey, this column of mine and xhosux.com
is considered essential reading to nation-builders. So hint-hint, spread the
word, Singaporeans. If you want to support your country, read me too just
like they do.
BTW, you may also wanna spread the word that BigO has terminated
its bi-weekly e-mail updates with no reason given at all. Let’s get speculating. BigO folks got tired of doing it? Not enough funds? If so, such reasons are admissible. But when no explanation of its termination is given
even to close friends, the reason for the termination can only be - not
admissible. What does that tell you, Singaporeans? Even Phua Chu Kang
sang: “Use your brain!”. Go right ahead, it’s allowed now. We’re free and
open… to think, and speak your mind. So, go on, even if it jars!
I hope that the all-smiles Dr. Viv when he reads the above will not take
it as a personal attack on his chummy shoulder-rubbing with the young.
Just as I’m trying my best not to think that the reporter credited for writing that Youthink-launch report is a wry reference to me.
The name stated was Krist Boo. It’s almost too canny to be true. But
you know me, I always do get it!
Feb, 05
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DESPERATELY SEEKING FUTURE-LEADERS: SPEAK UP IF YOU’RE YOUNG
(Old man swallows all his pride!)
It’s no ordinary blow-up job. The New Paper’s front-page headline on
Feb 5, 05 was: “Why so rude, young man? – Singapore undergrad
explains himself after taking on LKY at university forum.”
First of all, what that headline really says is ‘Why, you’re so suitably
rude, young man!’ - even though it was unthinkable rudeness flaunted
towards, gasp, the Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew… oh, sorry, it’s got
to be LKY in this context, we mustn’t sound stand-off-ish towards the
young. Ingratiating them is the big issue at hand. Never mind that the
said history-undergrad from NUS, one Jamie Han - in calling for the ISA
to be repealed - leveled words like “despot” and “tyrant” towards the
revered one at the forum on Jan 31. (Imagine if it were Chee Soon Juan
caught with those accusations in public by our nation-building press!)
I love it when agenda-propping gets all desperation-maximus.
Suddenly, it doesn’t matter that the propping-tactic was so transparently
cheap (this comes from a tribe that considers armchair criticism a form
of whinging, so what d’ya expect?). The tactic at hand is, of course, to
encourage young Singaporeans to “speak up, even if it jars” (see last
month’s X’Ho-Files). After all, our nation is running the risk of having
no future leaders if Singaporeans remain fearfully shut-up. However,
only the young (and gullible) need apply, cos the speaking-up welcome
is rather age-sensitive in this, pardon the pun, open age of Remaking
Singapore. Anyhow, we do want the older generation to remain fearful and subservient. Look at all you’ve achieved and what you stand
to lose if you dare speak up! But the young? They have yet to accomplish anything to know what the Singapore fear aka ‘rarely
enforced’ principle (see below) is.
My siow friend told me the other day that a Minister told media students in the papers that “nothing will happen” now if one breaches OBmarkers. Please, let’s not have Chee know about this, he might enroll
himself in media studies and waste all our time later reading about
‘court-dates’. As for OB-markers… sigh, must I go through it again to
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remind all that, according to one Minister Yeo some time back, OBmarkers really can’t be defined, because if they were clearly
defined, people will find ways and means around them and say they
are not committing an offence! So, breaching OB-markers? How do
you avoid breaching something that can only be defined on the State’s
fancy? Actually, the truer question is - are you of the qualifying young
age to do so? (BTW, is there a mention of age-discrimination in our
national pledge? Better amend it quick if there is, before the ‘transparency’ reveals itself to another outspoken young Han out there.)
“Singapore is a small country with a big heart” went a clip on
Channel News Asia. Wow, we’re talking sweet grace and generosity of
spirit here, y’all, from a country that lets you buy one bottle of dutyfree liquor coming in through the airport but decrees that giving it
away as a gift is illegal!!! (We all know about the backside-covering
‘rarely enforced’ rationale behind it as well.) So, big heart?
Funny, my Thai friend thinks Singaporeans have a black heart. My
Hong Kong pal thinks we are really petty and kiasu, a self-glorifying
nation of diplomatic blunders (remember the ‘snot’ remark from
Taiwan?). And a British chum asked me through SMS – Why are
Singaporeans such cunts? Ahh, that explains it. We’ve got to keep saying things like “small country with a big heart” and “free and open”,
because when you look at the reality around, you know we’ve simply got
to! Why do you think the media has to be controlled? If not, who’s gonna
do all the repair-work? (It’s called nation-building, we gather.) Some
banned book (shh!) may have the title A Media Enthralled, but really, it’s
more The State Enthralling. Tough work, babe. But guess who dug the
appalling grave in the first place?
Maybe that’s why the public show of swallowing pride now. Just as
the saying about the bed goes, if you dig the grave, so must you lie in it.
But no worries, I’m sure the gullible young would be completely bowled
over by the diamond-studded coffin in the shape of a big heart with a
Singapore Shared $ing dollar on top. Not to mention the foam party all
around and skate ramps on the fringe, graffiti-art for wreaths…. Maybe
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even some grave-top dancing. But please, no chatting with bystanders
before, during and after, hor!
Recommended tombstone-plate: Here Lies Rarely Enforced – The
Discreet Principle Of Emotional Fas___. I’ll have to let you fill in the
blank there. After all, you know I’m really not “forever 27,” nor did I
just graduate yesterday.
Mar, 05
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UNIQUELY UN-RIDICULOUS
Tell me if it’s not ridiculous. The annual gay Nation Party that started
some three years ago was called off last December because the Senior
Minister of State for Health finally explained in Parliament that such parties “might be the reason for the spike in AIDS cases last year” (The
Sunday Times, Mar 13, 05). “Might be”. And still our population in general considers us to have a rational authority, while the ‘rational’ authority dares think we’ve moved away from Third World mentality!
Y’know, I’m not just referring to the paranoia of the Parliament-mention. How much further from the truth can it be when outdoor gay
parties are viewed as a potential cause of spiking AIDS when there
exists a handful of fully licensed, highly active gay bath-houses on our
isle and no one is talking about them or their bigger potential spike!
I’ve mentioned this issue time and again. No one reads me? Hello, if I
make a litigious remark about the grand old lord of small fries, I can bet
you that my sorry ass will be hauled to court tomorrow. Nobody reads me,
indeed!
One advertising executive Ms. Linda Kwek (and mother of two toddlers) was quoted in the aforementioned report saying: “Homosexuals,
like anyone else, have a right to whatever lifestyle they fancy. But if this
right becomes a potential threat to family values, then I would rather live
in a country that is labeled strait-laced than one plagued by AIDS and
heartbreaks.” Well said, Linda. But let me put it to you this way.
If your hubby is bisexual and isn’t open about it, there’s a greater chance
he’d visit a local gay sauna on the sly than attending an oh-so-public gay
party to indulge his fancy for a score. So what’s an annual gay party compared to the cluster of fully licensed, daily-operated gay saunas as a threat
to your marriage institution? Anyone can tell you the logic there, except
Mr. Transparent Big Brother, of course. Why not ask him why he hasn’t
done so, or why he’s not even mentioned the local gay saunas?
So much for the ‘family values’ morality issue you so righteously
raised. Hint-hint, Linda, the mighty Pink-dollar is YOUR priority too in
the name of our national economic stability! I bet you didn’t know that.
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Like I said, so much for your righteous family values perspective.
Then again, heartlanders will believe anything from the top, while the
‘intelligent elites’ know better than to argue with Big Brother. After all, in
a place of qualified free speech (hello Speakers’ Corner, you’re still
there?), certain perks await those who speak right! Besides, who has the
absolute prerogative to win-win arguments (besides this writer)? Every
smart Singaporean knows… and they’re smart enough to stay mum. And
angkat pantat rightists (who know where their bread is buttered) will give
you a list of wonderful justifications for Big Brother’s win-win rationale
longer than my peter.
The same report above noted that in the latest figures of new AIDS
cases, nine out of 10 are men and a third of them gay. A third! That, my
dearest GE-voters, means MINORITY (no matter the demographic proportion)! Do you even begin to wonder about the lifestyle of the two-thirds
until the national press tells you to do so? (No worries. I’m sure by the
time this essay surfaces, the press just might tell you since Secret
Intelligence has all the time to snoop into my computer to scrutinize my
X’Ho-Files in the making. Hi there, Secret Intel officers, I do envy that
pay-cheque of yours!)
Do we ever talk about the potential hazard (and threat to family values)
of the alarming increase of streetwalkers from China flooding Geylang
these days? Oh dear, even your complaints appear to be State-cued. Maybe
I should really be shivering in my seat now. But y’know, I am as ‘rational’ as my Big Brother who loves me. So shiver me timbers! But many quietly do, and I have a ‘poetic’ explanation why.
“No lurking ghosts, just friendly folk” went The Straits Times headline
on Mar 22, 05 about the post-Tsunami devastated Phuket Beach in
Thailand. The reverse, I’d say, is true about Singapore. Over here, we’ve
got no friendly folk (unless it’s for a purposeful agenda to be met), just
lurking ‘ghosts’ – frightfully defensive and kiasu ones at that. And still no
one here dares to be out-rightly shivering! Told you we have our own
unique shriveling rationale, hon! Me and Big-Big Brother are so proud of
you all.
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Anyway, what’s a little slip in rationality when in time it could be
explained away as an ‘honest-mistake’ slip and when we have “a
Masterplan, just in time” (Digital Life supplement of ST, Mar 22, 05). The
new infocomm masterplan is called “Intelligent Nation 2015”. Once
again, that’s INTELLIGENT NATION. I know many of you are too
numbed out to even bother with ironies on these shores.
But why wait ‘til 2015? Let me answer that for you as Big Brother
would for every scratch your head gets. It’s simply much more exciting
when there’s a countdown involved for us to pro-actively work towards.
Yadda-yadda. Besides, it won’t look good when the head gets big too
instantly. And looks are everything in Singapore, even when rationale gets
dumber and dumberer and our frustrated folk get numb-er and numb-erer.
You think I sound ridiculous? You mean you know ridiculous?
Apr, 05
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SINGA-NOIA : THE MIGHTY MIGHT WITH A SUPER RESORT
Last month, The X’Ho-Files began with a report on the suspension of the
Nation (gay) party because some Health Minister thinks that such an
event might spike AIDS cases in Singapore. It certainly isn’t an isolated
case of SINGA-NOIA, as the following more than proves.
“Docs’ ads allowed, so why not discount scheme?” – the headline of
a letter written by one Danny Tseng published in the Forum page of The
Straits Times on Apr 13, 05. According to a previous press report on Apr
5, the Singapore Medical Association (SMA) was concerned that the
scheme might breach a soliciting clause in the Private Hospitals &
Medical Clinics (Publicity) Regulations. Tseng’s letter on Apr 13 highlighted a contradiction: “Isn’t the purpose of advertising to get more business? Why allow advertising and yet stop doctors from soliciting for
more business? The use of a third party’s website to promote doctors’
services is just one method of outsourcing the advertising service.” Sigh.
Y’know, Tseng, you’re right about advertising, but this is Singapore!
You forget that we’re unique. So advertising could just be about… well,
spiking creativity, perhaps. Donch forget too that if the medical association gets too liberal and allows doctors to have an unfettered play at
advertising, things might get out of hand. Such kiasu-ness, you’ll understand, is really for the nation’s industrial good and economic peace.
Once you let go of those medicated OB-markers, people will run circles around them and play truant. In fact, they most certainly will in
Singapore, we know that for a fact. Anyway, who doesn’t understand
NATION-BUILDING in these parts? Our Masters are only playing God
for that noble reason.
So Tseng, understand the complicated issue of doctors advertising.
Besides, on more protocol terms, we have to appear somewhat prohibitive ‘til no one complains, mah. It may look like a real backside-covering
strategem, but in the Singapore context, it’s extremely wise a national
move. Don’t under-estimate the mighty might. All these years of nationbuilding could be jeopardized or undone by ignoring one little might.
Boy, do I feel like a good mentor to the hip new youths who probably
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think that OB markers refer to o-biang (naff) highlighters. To my detractors reading this with a mighty scorn, I’ll have you know that there is a
local TV program on Channel U titled You Hua Jiu Jiang (Speak Up If
You Have Something To Say). What do you think I’m doing here?
“MM Lee voices two regrets – 1. Not allowing Formula One Racing,
and 2. Discouraging international institutes from locating here in the
1970s.” That was a headline in The Sunday Times on Apr 17, 05. It wasn’t so long ago when his great person regretted leaving out maverickthinkers and thinking-out-of-the-box when he was busy building the
nation. What magnanimity it is to admit to more honest slips.
The report also stated that the Minister Mentor “was equally frank
about how he had forgotten ‘pop culture’ in his bid to turn Singapore
into a first-world city in a third-world region”. That’s amazing how
something could be explained away as sheer mind-slip when it was
targeted as insufferable object of annihilation! ‘Males with long hair
will be attended to last!’, remember? But silly me. Of course, when the
annihilation has been so efficacious, no one remembers much about popculture or how it existed in the first place! Not that there’s no difference
between forgetting and denouncing.
Anyway, considering the unctuous reason given now, we must surely
understand the required sidestepping of logic there. The reason given for
the regret? “I didn’t see that the money was in pop culture. I think I
was dim-witted then.” Oh my. I have to pinch myself hard to believe
that statement. Then again, I shouldn’t pinch myself over anything
uttered by the System here. The moon could well be square if that’s what
nation-building dictates. So… maybe money should always remain
invisible when there’s a need for Asian/family values to be trumpeted. And when the money issue is put paid to shove, we can always
blanket those values and everything else under economic peace. Gee
whiz. How uniquely strategized. I hope the mentally flaccid youths of our
nation will learn as well.
BTW, not seeing and refusing to see is such a fine line we’ll have to
leave it as benefit of doubt to the regretful. The MM “shared this lesson
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to explain why Singapore needed to overturn past decisions – such as the
old ban on casinos”. Ah, all the more understandable then, when our
nation’s big need now is to have a world-class casino to attract mega-rich
tourists.
A siow friend remarks in plainer language: The reason for the regret is
not so much one of narrow mindedness but that big bucks are lost! In
other words, at end of the day, it is only money that counts. All the family values, culture, art, liberal thinking and societal harmony etc. are just
secondary issues at best…!
Well, yeah! Got it down now for posterity, luv.
And so, on that fateful day, Apr 18, 05, the poor old be-all of decisions-all named family values (of the uniquely Singaporean kind) was
dimly cast when the PM helped his Cabinet to decide that building a casino here is of great economic urgency to the nation. The same team that
trumpeted this Asian-value, that family-values and all those religious
issues in between (no one asked them to do so in the first place but they
did) felt not a tinge of self-contradiction in all the arguments about having a casino amidst a mega resort here. All conscience allayed by the
MM’s cue, no less. MM, you know! Surely top-notch of the supreme
MM-PM-SM trinity.
The verdict: “Yes to two mega resorts – creating the buzz of a global
city – 35,000 new jobs & huge gains to economy” (ST, Apr 19, 05). (Any
surprise that, discreetly, there’s no mention of casino in the headline?) My
siow friend is right. It’s all about the money when they say it should be
so. Oh, when will Asian/family values make a comeback? I can hardly
wait. After all, we can be sure that high-handed moral stance will not be
discarded altogether to silence us morally tuned and law-bound citizens
when it’s needed.
“Opposition MP & party chief Low Thia Khiang draws fire for ‘playing politics’. He and his party earned a rebuke from Mr. Lim Swee Say
(from the PM’s office) for rejecting integrated resorts. He accused them
of putting politics above the nation’s interests.” (ST, Apr 21, 05). Aiyah,
no lah. I think he is into gardening and golfing only lah. Playing politics?
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Why would an opposition party leader be into playing politics? Nuff said.
(As I’ve mentioned before, you know ridiculous?)
BTW, we all know that when it comes to our nation’s interests, we are
surely in the safe hands of Big Brother. How else can he remain in his
Efficiently Controlling office? We also have utmost faith when he lets fly
a term like industrial peace to keep us all in check!
I was a little dismayed at the decision to have a casino in Singapore.
Not because I’m an uptight goody-two shoe who thinks that casinos will
ruin lives. But because I’d thought that accepting our populace’ decision
about the casino issue would have mattered more in this so-called ‘open
society’ of Remaking Singapore. And Lord knows there were enough
objections from the religious right to close the subject on these sanctimonious shores.
A pious Muslim cab driver remarked about the decision: “I don’t gamble, so the casino means nothing to me. Let the tsunami come and wash
us clean.” Ooh, telling! But the win-win rationale given by Big Brother
now is that opening a casino is not a religious issue. Religion at one’s disposal, how convenient! Let me tell the Lord to go take a hike for economic peace. There, the REAL answer on Singapore’s awesome success as
a developing nation, for those wondering how we do it. REALLY. If
only envious countries know how to tell the Lord to take a hike and
STILL LOOK JUSTIFIED. Truly, our secret for success in a nutshell!
Goes to show – speak your mind about important social issues? Showshow, lor. Or, as my siow friend beckons: Climb aboard, Satan! (Not that
He hasn’t already.) It’s open season for Shylock as win-win merchant
gunning for gold by the pound for the city. What price conscience, when
thousands of jobs are at stake, yah?!!
Just what Satan wants to hear. I should know, now that I’ve also
learned from Big Brother to play God. Did someone just utter shameless?
You mean you know shameless?
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MANUFACTURING DISSENT THE FAST & FURIOUS NEW NATIONAL PASTIME
A ‘scary’ headline spotted one Saturday morning after the national nod
to Integrated Resorts and casino here: “Injecting fun into ‘Dullsville
Singapore’” (Straits Times, Apr 30, 05). Singapore – dull? Of course,
that is only so when the press says it is such to help fulfill a newer agenda. Otherwise, endless justifications that Singapore is NEVER dull. In
fact, on May 15, 05, a feature in The Sunday Times says - “Surprise!
Singapore is hip” and “Singapore Swings”. So, are we dull or swinging?
Depends on the agenda we’re propping, lor. So, what’s a whine like me
compared to transparent hacks like them?
A siow friend says that all this so-called ‘surprise’ provocative-ness
on our shores is all about manufacturing dissent now. After all, we ain’t
got any, not even with Speakers’ Corner, and not even with the arbitrary
suspension of the ‘party whip’ on infringing OB-markers! That’s how
successfully regimented we’ve been. For a start, the fact that this
writer’s work is never quoted anywhere near the official press says a lot
about the provocative ‘dissent’ that you get nowadays. From this year’s
Labor Day forum on workplace injustice to the panel of petitioners
opposing a casino in Singapore…. Let’s just say that in the past, you
wouldn’t even hear about them from the word-go cos they would have
been crushed! Unlawful assembly, for a start! (Sing Cramps, sing – “Do
the hammerlock… Do the crusher!” Gee, I’m so ‘school of rock’, it just
comes gushing, I can’t help it!)
Bold headline on May 5, 05: “Beware politicians spinning economic yarns”. On that subject, you have to be thinking of overseas or opposition-party politicians. Our noble ones that run the country here
don’t need yarns when they can simply hold your industrial peace!
In late April, the humanitarian group FOCAS took on the noble task
of pleading for Presidential clemency for a condemned cannabis trafficker. Understandably, the head that runs the organization is an angmoh, not a ‘hammer-locked’ Singaporean who knows these things from
the gut – what price clemency or mercy when weighed against example-
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setting NATION-BUILDING? I’m happy for FOCAS that, at least, its
head is not one who already feels gutted! Only such a one could have
come up with the audacious contention for FOCAS: “Dissent is democracy”. We suspect she truly believes it without an iota of ‘dulled’ cynicism. Anyway, in Singapore, what dissent can one possibly affect?
Except for the ‘approved’ kind. Now, you’re getting the picture.
Clemency for traffickers? Let me remind all - If we give way to you,
others (here) will most certainly take advantage (chapter 70 of my book
Attack Of The SM Space Encroachers). Yes, we have long accepted
kiasu-ness as an unquestioned part of nation-building. (And still we pine
to be a gracious society!) Can’t be helpched! Besides, you forget that we
are BEYOND Amnesty International. When the international organization issued a statement that we have the highest execution rate per capita in the world (-fact, babe!), our Master’s reply was “The death penalty is not a burning question” (ST Jan 31, 04). Now, we all know that to
be true, don’t we! Of course, it’s not a ‘burning question’ in NATIONBUILDING, or our Master would have dealt with it for the grand sake of
industrial peace!
Sometimes even those agenda-propping daredevils seem to be nothing but disposable pawns. Look what’s happened to Tan Sai Siong
(where is she now, after I called her my ‘darling Sai’?) and Koh Buck
Song. Koh, famously re-quoted again and again by yours truly for saying that Singapore was “once repressed” before the Remaking Singapore
regiment, now writes for The Straits Times, not from. But then, we’re
sure he has greener pastures to graze at some bishop’s gate. Look! Even
he has come right out to say - “One of the most surprisingly unique
things about this country is its ability to have its cake and eat it” (ST,
Apr 27, 05). O, you betcha! What do you think win-win means, honey?
I should dedicate my next book to his unrepressed innocence.
Controlling Singaporeans is surely a piece of cake now. Let other
countries scratch their heads in wonder. We all know the hell-to-pay
rationale that goes by the argument of - even I loathe to repeat it again –
industrial peace. Not that other countries don’t know the term, they just
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don’t know how to use it – with a specially quai-quai (obedient) media
to hold an industrial-peace of international standing. That’s how.
Injecting fun into Dullsville Singapore? Without a tinge of irony, on
that same day (Apr 30, 05), The New Paper had this headline “Erotic
drink too sexy for Singapore”. (Based on a Gov. directive, the name
‘Peep One Erotic Drink’ tagged with the word ‘Stimulation’ had to be
changed to ‘Peep One Exotic Drink’, with ‘Reloading’ replacing
‘Stimulation’; some ingredients were also replaced.) We can’t even handle an erotically named drink, what kind of fun can we talk of injecting?
Stepford-styled injection, perhaps.
Ms. Chua Mui Hoong wrote in the ST on May 13, 05: “Many
Singaporeans have clamoured for more political openness, greater guarantees of political freedoms or changes to electoral laws. Many of us are
content to just point out the flaws, without taking action.” No wonder
Singaporeans are so torn with wordless frustration. Agenda-propping
Chua takes such liberty to rub salt into a wound that dares not speak its
name. What makes her think that Singaporeans can do more than
“point out the flaws”? Just cos foreigners don’t know the Singapore
story well enough doesn’t give her the ‘editorial right’ to make us commoners look useless and petty. Besides, we all know that Singaporeans
know better than to behave like me. Mind you, she is a senior political
correspondent and an Insight columnist. I guess she’s ‘insight’ to foreigners and the foreign market, lor! You say cough blood or not? No lah,
I super happy to take note and fill up space in my essay. In fact, I always
say - gimme more. More outrageous, the better!
“Beware what you ask for” – the headline of a ST essay on May 18,
05 from Tan… gasp! Sai Siong who suddenly springs back to life after
I’ve drafted this essay! (Just goes to show, how under-handedly they
read me!) Beware of long lay-offs – would be my reply – they make you
sound cranky, darling! Let’s not even get into her arguments (which I did
bother to read but not to remember).
“Las Vegas casino mogul: S’pore officials are issuing too many
rules…” (ST, May 15, 05). No worries, we really want the casino. So
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don’t be surprised how we can bend backwards three-folds in time.
Meanwhile, just keep reading Chua ‘til you come here and learn for
yourself, hor. BTW, the attorney for the condemned cannabis trafficker
has been censured by “his peers” that his plea tactics are “quite senseless” (ST, May 15, 05). Take action, lor. See, how well you look in the
public’s eye. “It was cruel to give false hope to condemned man and
family” – was another quoted censure. And you thought I’m being cynical about these things. Guess I’ve not been cruel then, in not joining the
petition.
In case you haven’t noticed, rubbing it in our face comes fast and
furious of late. Blink a day without the papers, and you will miss a
whole chunk of surreptitious nation-building. Understandably, it’s all
about making our nation-building success appear even more successful in these new-leader times of majestic open-ness and desperate success-signals. How well mentored, I am. I’ve learned from Chua.
On May 14, 05, the sidebar headline of the ST front-page: “No place
in film for party politics”. This came as a response to a group of local
film-makers who wrote in asking for clarifications of the Films Act, after
aspiring film-maker Martyn See made a documentary ‘Singapore Rebel’
on opposition party leader Chee Soon Juan and was found to have violated the Act. So much for Singaporeans trying to ‘take action’, babe.
Darling, there’s no point in even questioning the whole issue of the
Films Act! Despite See withdrawing his film from the Film Festival
where it was to be shown, he was still interrogated by the police almost
two months later. Solid proof that, as the siow friend remarked, the more
things seem to change, the more they stay the same. Anyone for taking
action, still? I oso can tell you Singapore has no place for ‘political’
films. We may be powerless but some of us still know redundant. Let’s
hope Chua gets more fast and furious. I sure do.
But here’s the most audacious bit of rubbing it in our face….
“Let Singaporeans have say on design of the Integrated Resorts,”
another senior political correspondent Lydia Lim wrote in the ST on
May 6, 05. I know Lim means well, but look at it this way – I ask you
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for your opinion about building an object outside your front door. Your
answer is – please don’t. I decide it’s for the better that it’s built anyway.
Then, I suggest you help me design the very thing you objected to. Have
the cake and eat it too? I think it goes more than that. More like fearlessly shameless. But no worries, most Singaporeans will not dare say that.
Why else the urgent call to ‘take action’ and speak up?
Allow me to have my cake and eat it too, by saying – boy, do I feel I
am super relevant… STILL! In fact, I’d say - more than ever. I hope I
sound equally fast and furious. Equality, let’s just say, is always hip and
never dull. What a whine, I hear you say. Ah, but then? My integrated
generosity says I’ll leave it to you to go try some real dissent. Cruel?
See!
Jun, 05
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GO ON THEN, LIFT YOUR LEG SHAMELESSLY
Singaporeans who don’t read the local newspaper must be less frustrated than the ones who do. A Cantonese pal of mine who follows the
morning daily has two blunt ways of describing Big Brother: chew kup
how meen pei which means ultra-grade thick-skinned, and the other
Cantonese saying of his goes - when you lift up your leg, people
already know whether you’re peeing or shitting. It’s true, just because
Singaporeans are ‘mouthless fish’ doesn’t mean that they don’t have
thoughts altogether. Can speak their mind, meh? As my siow friend says
– careful of that midnight knock on the door! (A well-known paranoia in
Singapore among the older generation.)
Both the above Cantonese descriptions, of course, refer to Big
Brother’s blatant agenda-maneuvering efforts in the national press.
Efforts that His pen-pushing foot-servants go to kiasu lengths to trumpet, sometimes I suspect even He is unaware of how transparent He
looks in effect and how jerked around Singaporeans feel. That’s how
His intentions are being undermined eventually. I mean, which thinking
person can tolerate the national press’ insults to his/her intelligence?
(See last month’s X’Ho-Files’ report that Singapore is dull one moment
and swinging the next, as a simple example.) There’s certainly a difference between being nationalistic and kiasu-ly balls-carrying like a wellpaid kiasi weasel.
On The Straits Times’ correspondent in China – Ching Cheong being
detained there in Da Loo on suspicion of spying… The report on Jun 4
(05) stated that “foreign correspondents in China call on Beijing to free
journalist”. I sure hope China will know how to silence such outcry by
saying – foreigners should not interfere with domestic politics. Why?
Otherwise, we, who so often use that retort, might look more authoritarian and closed than a so-called Communist country like China, and ‘socalled’ is everything, hon, don’t we know! Especially to the world outside.
ST’s film-critic Ong Sor Fern reviewing the film Downfall (Der
Untergang), about the last days of Adolf Hitler, wrote: “This movie has
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been accused of humanizing Hitler. But by doing so, it is a terrifying and
timely reminder that the evil he committed, in which so many were complicit, is not some monstrous aberration” (Jun 1, 05). Now, why does that
seem to ring so true? Ong, you cheeky angel you!
“Keeping my Mandarin alive” is a brand new DVD of resource materials of our Minister Mentor’s Language Learning Experience! I knew
all at once it can’t be a political video. Now if only aspiring film-maker
Martyn See were smart enough to make, not the film Singapore Rebel
(that he did), but Singapore Rebel Speaks and let it be about a rebel’s
Malay language experience, maybe… No? I guess not either. Ha ha ha
ha.
One of ST’s so-called hip new-generation columnists Ignatius Low
wrote in an article headlined “Pop culture – don’t look for a formula”:
“When it comes to issues of popular appeal, we need to leave things
be.” So he’s telling our Master for us? Better be. If he were telling us,
I’d say he’s propounding in a vacuum (hallo, like, we have a choice in
such matters!). Our Master can leave things be? He that ‘controls’
Mediacorp and Singapore Press Holdings which manufacture the pawn
starz in our firmament?
Does Low mean that if, let’s say, Fann Wong is arrested for drinkdriving and Fiona Xie is exposed to be kept by a dyke, they’d still have
a career as TV stars? Meaning – that Big Brother will come right out and
say that their lifestyle as celebrities is ‘not a religious issue’, nor one of
Asian values either? And that ‘letting it be’ will be taken to mean that
local celebrities will not have to be requisite role models for the public?
Let the public decide? As with the casino issue then? Oh, I see – manufacture ‘let it be’. Ah, but of course!
Any wonder that our Foreign Minister declared on Jun 10, 05 in the
ST that Singapore can be “a new London for a new Asia”!!! (Hold
your laughs, intelligent ones!) Of course, Singaporeans don’t know that
London has TV series like Little Britain and Shameless where fullfrontal male nudity, humping, blow-job and guys French-kissing guys
are being depicted on the home screen as the ‘keeping-it-real’ norm. Nor
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do they know that London has decriminalized the use of cannabis, and
that it celebrates gay lifestyle and may soon be legalizing gay marriages.
So what if they know anyhow, I’m sure the Lows and the Latifs will tell
you that those kind of information have got nothing to do with the side
of London we aspire to. We would then understand that they’d be talking about a preferred London reality other than the real one, wouldn’t
we! Shhh, let’s leave the hoi polloi and agenda-proppers to their blissful
Fanns and Fionas… and think of Singapore as the London of the East.
Now, you can really stop laughing.
O how the Internet rules! There are now two weekly columns named
Hot Blogs and Webthreads in The Sunday Times (maybe they’ll be
stopped soon, now that I’ve mentioned it). The Hot Blogs I caught on the
first Sunday in June reported nothing sensational except that the girl
blogger is looking for a boyfriend/husband who’s tall….
Of course, Big Brother is ‘nervous’ and He’s been following the local
blogs very closely to seek out dissent and the ones that are litigious.
We’re sure He’s got all the markers to nail defammatory blogs, as much
as someone said that the Internet is a different kettle of fish. After all,
even General Election is not open season for contest of speech. Ai-yah,
it is open but after the Election, then you’ll know lor! That’s why we’re
Uniquely Singapore, honey.
Indeed, Big Brother is rather ‘nervous’ about blogs cos they didn’t
have such things in the days of George Orwell! That means Orwell’s
1984 (the book) didn’t have blog paradigms for Big Brother to follow;
not that He has anything to be really scared about. The real scared ones
are Singaporeans, and don’t we know why. Midnight knock-knock, public censures, social ostracism….
BTW, notice how Webthreads smugly subsumes Webthreats. Where
d’ya think I learned my brand of word-play? So, go sew your own silver
threads on the golden Web, dearies. But remember invisible OB-markers and midnight knock-knock, hor.
The Sunday Times on Jun 12, 05 asked “Why are Singaporean children getting short-sighted?” Let me see, because it’s more exciting to
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play cross-the-bridge-when-we-get-to-it? Or worse, because they can’t
even see that our Master’s call for Singaporeans to speak better English
and Mandarin says much about our ‘highly-touted’ education system.
Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Weedon. “Weedon, who?” We don’t give
a shit ‘bout what you people say cos shamelessly we’ve got all the legroom in the world.
So lift your leg? Ah, you already have and shot yourself in the foot
as well. But no worries, we’re all pretty good at pretending we didn’t, or
will ever, notice.
Jul, 05
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MANY HAPPY RETURNS WITH GOLDEN TAPS TO A COUNTRY
‘ NOT IN PURSUIT OF CORRECT POLITIC S ’
Big shocking news in The Straits Times’ front page on July 12, 05:
“National Kidney Foundation CEO’s $600,000 pay revealed in court”
along with his high-flying travel perks. Wah-lau. That kind of annual
salary… and he’s not even a State Minister, how can? At least, a State
Minister earning such high pay or more is justified, cos…. Well, the
newspaper said it is justified. So I oso agree, lor.
One Dr. George Khoo was quoted in the ST two days later, saying:
“I find it difficult to believe that there was no evidence of remorse on the
part of the NKF CEO. Had the NKF board been open, apologized for the
mismanagement, Singaporeans would be more forgiving.” Firstly, I marvel at Mr. Khoo’s innocence. But considering that it’s really Dr. Khoo,
it’s a scary sign. Singaporeans are so straight-thinking, I fear for their
thinking cap when pitched against our win-win system. I, for one, was
not the least bit surprised by the lack of remorse. To show remorse is to
admit guilt. To admit guilt is to avail oneself to punishment.
Singaporeans may be forgiving, but what about Big Brother – He of
“honest mistakes”? In this case, we all know there’s so much more to it
than meets the mouth.
Quoting my ‘me-all-good-no-bad’ –self here, “if I give way to you,
others will take advantage”! So, how can Big Brother justify this kind of
un-nation-building transgression? Scapegoats are made for a very good
nation-building reason. Otherwise, what’s transparency for? All I can
say is the NKF CEO T.T.Durai, who had worked so closely with Big
Brother, surely understands who is and isn’t entitled to ‘honest mistakes’. Honestly, he must have believed he’s right!!! That’s why he didn’t want to step down from his post at first. Then, finally on Jul 15, he
relented.
“I have been running NKF for 37 years and I think it’s time that a new
leadership takes over because I strongly believe in change… a new
style.” Don’t you just love the sound of that notion! See, he really
knows how to say it the national way! You think maybe he’s just (as
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the Cantonese saying goes) picking up sand and being thick-skinned?
You mean you know picking up sand and being thick-skinned?
But really, not wanting to step down initially was such a smart move.
Now that his ‘transgression’ is brought to light by the ST and his own
undoing of a lawsuit against the Singapore Press Holdings (SPH) for
outting his extravagant lifestyle (he had water-taps of gold in his officewashroom), the public is out for blood in the name of justice. But
really, it’s all just in name only. How very Singaporean! What they
want is retributive punishment. And they think they got it when Durai
finally has to step down; that’s how facile their sense of retribution is.
Was justice really meted just by the man stepping down? Imagine if
he’d stepped down at the very start! Why was there a media expose of
his ‘transgression’, instead of the graft unit breaking through with the
facts? We are about facts and figures, aren’t we? For the thick-headed
public, a lashing has been dealt and that’s all that matters. (And you
thought I’m the only one who loves to vent.) After all, Big Brother
always has a way of deciding on “honest mistakes” and when to
move on for us all. The Minister for Community Development Youth &
Sports urged people not to over-react in their backlash against the leading charity organization, while “police warn against any protest march”
(ST, Jul 15). Hey babe, Mr. Durai is still a millionaire (he had received
$1.8 million in salary and bonuses over three years)!
My siow friend thinks that the only truth that erupted from the furore
was the Senior Minister’s wife Mrs. Goh Chok Tong saying that Durai’s
pay is “peanuts”. I think my friend is right. And Mrs. Goh was absolutely right too, just that our brain-dead hoi polloi was too obsessed with
‘scapegoat’ justice to dare challenge the ‘peanuts’ truth.
From a more spiritual perspective, I think it is that Khoo number who,
sadly, will have much to struggle with someday. Hopefully Durai will be
humbled by this whole episode. Dr., leh! Such is the Singaporean scariness.
Doubly scary when Big Brother’s authoritarian ways have softened
to a benign open-society demeanor. It was reported that Jul 15 that Durai
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and the NKF board had gone to consult the Health Minister about the
public outcry over mismanagement of funds, and was told “the status
quo would not do”. So it’s not as if Big Brother simply took the NKF
chief to court. This is scary because, aiyoh, what happens if… if…, pardon my old-school mentality, people start taking that demeanor for
granted! How then can we uphold kiasu-ism for the sake of nation-building? Hmmmph!
So annoying. Some ex-civil-servant dude has beaten me to the punch
in thinking out of the box. Look! City-planner/architect Liu Thai Ker
(also the chairman of the National Arts Council from 1996 ‘til this June)
was quoted on July 12, 05 in the ST: “Singapore is actually one of the
few nations in pursuit of good ideas, not correct politics”. Wah-piang.
Not that that is his National Day-treat of a speech. (Or is it?) So, I gather that the ice has been broken and it’s alright to state from hereon that
our Gov. has not been pursuing “correct politics”. Hopefully, that’s just
part of a grand national-propaganda to propagate the idea that sounding
politically incorrect is so righteously du jour in Singapore now! I say
hopefully because - yes dear, I, too, love to feel validated from time to
time. Thanks, Liu. Love your quote that’s well contextualized in nationbuilding. Or, is that nation–planning? Same difference. As the quotes
from Liu elaborated themselves forth….
“It’s not just about art, it’s about society. We’ve no curiosity to know
our fellow Singaporeans. If we know and value each other’s culture, and
explain to outsiders who we are, we will have strength and solidity.”
Well, curiosity, I have. Hence I ask - wonder why Singaporeans have no
curiosity, hah? Someone said it killed the cat. All I know is that it’s killed
Martyn See’s film-making career and FOCAS’ big-sounding credo
‘Dissent Is Democracy’ for now. “Each other’s culture”? Where got? We
are one-look, one-style, one-choice… I mean, one-people, one-nation,
one-Singapore, mah! All same-same, what different culture?
As for strength and solidity, I beg to differ. I’m sure that all my
Channel 5 & 8 brothers & sisters will oso rally behind me to say that we
have implicit faith in Big Brother’s strength to compound art, economy,
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commerce, finance and industrial peace (you get the list of what I mean).
Cue Liu’s politically incorrect–looking stance… Wow, it’s about art
motivating life! Put my money on the gesture right away, babes!
But sincerely, I do wish this for our nation’s birthday – may all thinking Singaporeans be as vocal and politically ‘incorrect’ as Liu (that’s the
whole plan, isn’t it?). But please don’t follow in the footsteps of See or
FOCAS’ “cruel” clemency plea, hor. There’s thinking out of the box
Liu’s way, and thinking out-out-out of the other box. The latter just
makes you go out with an ‘ouch’! Hopefully, someone will top Liu’s
“not correct politics” rhetoric. My pen is shaking with anticipation. And
my implicit self can hardly wait… to be validated, what else!
Coming back to the NKF expose, just remember this. It was the
national press that dished the dirt on Durai. O, the power of our national press. “How NKF vs. SPH turned into the people vs. T.T. Durai”
(Sunday Times, Jul 17, 05). Oh, how feebly Singaporeans wonder!
Above all, Big Brother must have concurred that SPH’s Business Times
did the expose so as to allow the public to decide on the issue. He
could’ve come right out to denounce… But He didn’t. You say open
society or not?
“Overnight, thousands of outraged Singaporeans called for Durai’s
resignation through online petitions, letters to newspapers and calls to
the media.” (ST, Jul 15, 05). And the band plays on.
Aug, 05
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EYE-YO, HMM CHAI SEE, AND HMM... SAI SIONG!!!!
“About 79 per cent of adult Singaporeans are short-sighted – the highest
incidence in the world. Myopia in Singaporean children is among the highest too.” - Lifestyle, The Sunday Times Aug 14, 05.
No worries, it is not the work of the Government. God’s work, perhaps. For
all we know, it’s some ‘cosmic alliance’ that the myopia incidence is highest in Singapore. Myopia as a metaphor, if you will. Could it be our
National Day’s dazzling fireworks or the spectacular visual avalanche of
patriots marching in flag-venerating salute that have ‘overworked’ and
‘overwhelmed’ Singaporeans’ eyes? If so, again no worries, the Gov. is not
to be blamed if Singaporeans don’t know how to handle such frothy nationbuilding glory and eye-candy. Point is, being a nation of win-win mediamaneuvers, such nation-building glory can be ‘blind spots’, or even ‘blinding spots’ to the already weak-eyed. No worries, Mr. Gov., we are surely
born that way and it ain’t your doing. You are bum-ass covered. After all,
it’s media win-win, yah?
A siow friend pointed out that Jerry Garcia died on Aug 9, 1995. So
every time National Day rolls around for us, it’s also time to pay tribute to the Grateful Dead. I trust rockers won’t forget that cosmic
nudge from heaven.
“Crime watch: Huang Na, Sindee Neo, Liu Hong Mei. Why is the public so fascinated with crime?” a Sunday Times headline asked on Aug 14,
05. Let’s see, because Singaporeans are bored out of their freakin’ mind,
they have no life, they don’t know it, and there’s a necessary social agenda
to engage them for neighborly crime-watch vigilance anyway? Better yet,
perhaps it’s just another distracting question, no… make that big alarming
editorial question, to distract Singaporeans from ‘other’ national questions
that wouldn’t be for their own good to ask? You realize, I’m also merely
asking here. And, like most of our national editorials on social norms with
a question mark, I’m not really looking for an answer either!
“Okay, hands up all you out there who cheat on parking coupons…
You’ve saved the princely sum of 50 cents. Everyone I’ve asked confesses
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to cheating on parking coupons. I did too. It’s a strange psychology,” Chua
Mui Hoong wrote in The Sunday Times that same day. For her, the whole
essay was another important exercise in tending to Singaporeans’ social
behavior. In her own words - “…try to avoid sending (to children) confused
signals and model good behavior.” As for me, I ask – what’s that strange
psychology of cheating she refers to really about in the local context? Let’s
see, Singaporeans are bored out of their freakin’ mind, they have no life,
they don’t know it, and there’s now a necessary social agenda to engage
them for neighborly crime-watch vigilance? Better yet, perhaps it’s born
out of a compulsive need to try to counteract Big Brother’s win-win regimentation with a similar tit-for-tat mentality of petty and hair-splitting
ends? Anyone for thinking out of the box there? Any socially daring thinking psychologist and behaviorist to help analyze the psychology? No? Just
as I thought!
Suddenly, I remember the ever-wonderful ex-Straits Times editor Koh
Buck Song’s outburst of ‘disbelief’: “One of the most surprisingly unique
things about this country is its ability to have its cake and eat it” (ST, Apr
27, 05). You can always rely on the humanitarian Koh to come up with a
Freudian tuck. So, can you blame the thinking behaviorists and psychologists for not saying a word? Or, are we still surprised that no report in the
papers ever dare ask why the NKF… Maybe, I should indulge in the common non-dare and stop myself too! Ahh, feels so good to be soooo kiasu…
Not that I just realized!
Look! My darling Sai – as in the former Straits Times columnist Tan Sai
Siong – has, of late, been showing healthy signs of returning to the morning-pulp fore. She’s all the more a darling cos she still displays such oldschool high-handed-ness in this day and age of veiled persuasions.
Like… this is the true voice of Big Brother speaking. Let’s hope that
she won’t scare off our ready-to-speak youths. On Aug 19, 05, she wrote
about the re-election of our president: “Contest for contest’s sake? No
way.” Gee whiz, I wonder if she’d be so kind to spare us the next General
Election by saying ‘Election for election’s sake, why bother?’ I mean, is
there anyone who believes that the PAP won’t win in the next GE? So, if
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we are that certain and know for a fact that PAP is best for Singapore, why
an election for the sake of an election? You know I’ve always loved a walkover. Darling Sai is a marvel! Don’t you dare DC her!
We interrupt this self-serving moment to bring you news from the AFP
on Aug 11, 05; something the Straits Times didn’t breathe a word about.
Wonder why (and that’s not really a question). “Riot police broke up a rare
demonstration by four people demanding greater transparency and
accountability in Singapore's state-managed pension fund and other government-linked agencies. A dozen anti-riot police wearing helmets and
knee-high protective gear and carrying shields and batons formed a phalanx
outside the offices of the Central Provident Fund (CPF) as a commanding
officer approached the demonstrators.
"You are committing an offence of public nuisance. If you don't disperse
you will be arrested," the officer told the protesters as business people and
employees watched in the central business district. The four protesters,
among them an office administrator and the sister of an opposition leader,
Chee Soon Juan, voluntarily dispersed. They denied being part of any political group.
“Under the law, any public protest of at least five people without a
police permit is deemed illegal. The protest took place as Singapore was
in the midst of official celebrations of its 40th anniversary of independence.
The protesters hoisted placards calling for greater openness in how the government handles public funds used for retirement pensions, overseas
investments and the building of subsidized high-rise apartments.
“Monica Kumar, 45, one of the protesters, said they had been inspired
by public outrage that followed revelations last month that the chief executive of Singapore's biggest charity, the National Kidney Foundation
(NKF), was being paid 350,000 US dollars annually.
"In reality, the NKF is reflective of the entire system in Singapore where
public matters are run in a non-transparent and non-accountable manner,"
the protesters said in a statement. The statement called on the Housing
Development Board and the Government of Singapore Investment
Corporation (GIC) to open their books for public scrutiny. GIC manages
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more than 100 billion US dollars in funds and invests globally.”
These people… really! Eat finish, nothing better to do! Scrutiny? How
to, with rampant myopia? Besides, we should trust the Gov. implicitly in
ALL matters, mah. Demonstrate for what? As I’ve said before in these Files
and to show I’ve not forgotten it on the occasion of our nation’s 40th birthday, altogether now – “Sing Chee, bye!… if you’re winning!” (Attack Of
The SM Space Encroachers, chapter 47). Now, if only that Monica whatever was 22 instead of 45, the protest might have been sweet for Big
Brother after all. Oh, very young…. Where are they when they are badly
needed to join in those alarming protests? C’mon, future leaders of tomorrow… Let’s see you shake some action now! Alas, they’ve got that myopia
affliction and are simply addicted to bread-&-butter issues to buy the latest
street-wear and the cheapest hoon kee. Shall we say – God made them that
way?
“In the best possible world, your culture should not have to bear any
relationship to your genetic make-up” – playwright David Henry Hwang
was quoted in ST, Aug 16, 05.
Since we are the best, let’s just blame it on God, yah? Or, perhaps, like
our docile Chinese uncles and aunties would say, it’s all part and parcel of
“urban social pressure”.
Indeed, the rampant myopia has blinded us from the real word, which
appears to be pleasure in the eyes of Big Brother. Like I would know! Do
you?
Sept, 05
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MADE IN SINGAPORE - THE BIG HIDDEN PICTURE
“Meet the ugly Singapore customer, they whine, they scowl, they bully”
– A Sunday Times headline on Sept 25, 05 tells us. It was, no doubt, a
response to the authorities’ call for an improvement of the service industry on our shores, as customer service has been found to be pathetic. As
no typical Singaporean will dare point this out, allow me the pleasure.
Hallo, any thinking person knows that that really refers to Singaporeans
as a people. Aren’t all Singaporeans also customers at one time or other?
There was a time when I, living in districts 9 & 10, thought that
Singaporean cab drivers are the worst lot of people on this island until I
moved to the heartland and realized that it’s not cab drivers per se, but
Singaporeans in general. Now, I know better than to just blame cab drivers.
As for Singaporeans being scowling bullies… Don’t we, in our hearts,
know why! (Otherwise, see end paragraph.)
So, if it’s really Singaporeans in general who are culprits, how do we
work this poor service problem out? Easy, just blame it on the one sector of the population in question and point the finger backwards. How
so?
“Whine culture becoming a real pain” – went the headline of an editorial essay in the Sunday Times that same September day, written by
Catherine Lim Suat Hong. The essay highlights certain problems faced
by disgruntled HDB home-owners who have to change their window
rivets from aluminum to steel by the Sept 30 deadline. One complainant
stated that “he used an ‘approved’ contractor and yet the contractor did
not advise him appropriately”. Ms Lim’s response to that: “Hello. Has
he heard of ‘caveat emptor’ – ‘buyers beware’? You are responsible for
what you purchase. ‘Approved’ means accredited and that the HDB can
act should there be any fault on the part of the contractor. But using the
services of an accredited contractor does not mean the home-owner
abdicates all responsibilities. It certainly does not mean that you stop
thinking.
“It is this kind of whining that earns Singapore the reputation for
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needing nanny governance,” she concluded. See how shrewdly the table
is turned and how amazingly the double standard works. If an accredited contractor were found to be guilty of sloppy work for the government, what do you think will happen, darling? That’s a different
story, yah? As for “needing nanny governance”….
We’ve been thumbed down with paternalistic rule for over 30
years, and Ms. Lim expects an instant turnaround in perception just
because her Master realizes now that He’s not that great an expert
in solving ALL problems. So, He has to abdicate from the paternal
throne. Whine culture may be becoming a real pain, but having a Tan
Sai Siong no.2 is a greater pain (otherwise, why make scant of the no.1
herself in the nation building press these days?)
In the Today paper on Aug 24: "While stressing the importance of
journalists separating opinion from fact, (our) President Nathan said that
the media has a role to play in uncovering failings in the system: 'If there
are skeletons in the cupboard, do not hesitate to bring them out.' " Yes
sir, I hear you, but please don’t forget my plea for clemency if needed
for heeding your advice, hor! It’s how I do it - I hear you say. Ahh, but
of course!
The 210-page morning paper on Saturday, Aug 27 had a feature with
the headline ‘Mastering the art of service’. The art of service? One
should think that humility and grace are prerequisites. Applied to
Singapore… Oh sure, we’ve got them, as long we can see the moolah
flashing away at the end of the tunnel as we get half-way decent with
humility and grace in trying to catch that pot of gold. Think First World.
Accent on think, as in keep on thinking and dreaming, baby. As usual,
Big Brother is NOT responsible if you ain’t mastered the art. Until you
think about why He’s asking you to think it now. But who dares think
that?
A while back, it was a time of “intense nation-building”, it was
“all reflex and little or no reflection” – is how Richard Lim, ex-editor
of ST Life!, trenchantly put it, in a page-long appraisal of the Singapore
film Perth: The Geylang Massacre made by Djinn Ong. Nothing wrong
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with nation-building except that as with everything, it is how you do it
(wink-wink to Mr. President!). In our case, it was -- quick-time, instant
results, no mistakes, total compliance, zero tolerance for anything not
within scope, ‘death’ of the humanities… So now, you get a new Jack
Neo movie like One More Chance funded by the Yellow Ribbon Project
to help foster the rehabilitation of ex-convicts in society. The caption for
Neo’s movie goes: “The judge sentenced me to 10 years in prison but
society sentenced me for LIFE.” Society? How candidly the finger gets
pointed back at you, you the people of this STRICTLY REGIMENTED,
PATERNALISTIC society. C’mon, cue the Phua Chu Kang ‘Sars-vivor
Rap’, folks, and sing “use your brain!” to understand how this society
came to be what it is. You want it clearer? And in show-biz/box-office
talk, no less?
8 Days magazine ran its own ‘Power List’ of celebs (issue # 77).
Granted it’s a Mediacorp magazine, the eight celebs named, with the
exception of singer Stephanie Sun, are all TV stars under contract to Big
Brother’s entertainment arm. That’s the nature of our scene. Faultlessly
controlled for its own win-win benefit. So grace and humility? Well,
only if the Sing dollar is intrinsically related, dear. We’re on retarded reflex, if you will. As for singer Sun being on that list, let’s not forget she sings We Will Get There and for National Day celebrations.
Think pawn stars magic. Why d’ya think national charity shows on TV
are sooo important? Work the fever, mate. The pawn stars fever. How
not to play up such a powerful motivational tool to work the masses?
Here’s a tip for your next agenda, Bro! The other day, I turned to a
fellow musician and said – I know a great way to get noticed and sell
records. None of the so-called progressive beat-science musicians here
have bothered to sample a song like Stand Up For Singapore and turn it
into respectable nu-beat, maybe you should try, I suggested to my friend.
His reply – I’d rather remain in obscurity. So, work it, Bro! After all, as
dear Koh Buck Song said – Singapore can always have her cake and eat
it too! Yeah, win-win maximus.
On that point…., ST on Aug 27 ran an article on Korean film-maker
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Park Chan Wook, director of the Cannes-winning film about revenge Old Boy. He was quoted saying that “revenge in real life only causes
more pain and sin”. How true. Except that in our nation-building
context, revenge or retribution can always go by another name –
slander, defamation, inflammatory… Chee-whiz, huh? It takes a
Singaporean to understand these things. After all, we are uniquely
Singapore, as we shamelessly have our cake and eat it too (thanks,
Song for singing!).
The Straits Times has recently been raving about a certain local film
that’s been doing the rounds at international film festivals. Seriously,
I’ve watched it and, to me, it’s the work of the soul-less trying to be soulful. Very poignantly Singapore then, and in that sense it’s a great
Singapore film after all! I oso dare not name the film here for backsidecovering reasons insiders would surely understand.
For all the critical flak the local box-office sensation The Maid got,
director Kelvin Tong knows a thing or two about veiled truths. In the
wah -lau Sunday Times special - The E-Mail Interview (Aug 14), he
was asked “Why do you reckon so many Singaporeans take such perverse pleasure in scolding, scalding and scarring maids?” His reply –
“Upholding the age-old agrarian tradition of branding the live-stock
probably. Singaporeans have very few outlets to express their creativity,
so perhaps some of them resort to a few well-placed cigarette-butt burns
to make themselves feel better after a long, hard day at the office.
“I do not know for sure, but mutilating maids is one of the more
unusual characteristics of our otherwise-colorless tribe. At least it
gives us something to brag about when we are waiting to board a
plane along with a bunch of neo-Nazis, Tutsis and Kompassus deathsquad commandos.”
A little like the attack of the SM space encroachers, then? You gotta
hand it to the truly gasp-worthy Tong for his colorful and ‘subtle’ use of
imagery there.
Oct, 05
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YOU HOLD WHITE ELEPHANTS, THEY UPHOLD THE LAW
Front page news of The New Paper on Sept 3, 05 blared: “So brazen –
Singapore matchmaker offers sex tours to Vietnam, students offered as
escorts, older cilents (sic) primed with cobra blood, gall bladder.” Tabloid
sensation aside, what’s so brazen about all that when bride buying from
Vietnam is legalized in these parts? That’s precisely why those sex-tour
operators have come to be, if you ask me. Even I can tell you it’s all part of
a rudimentary form of entrepreneurial aspiration stemming from the authorization of bride buying that’s been approved on these shores. I’m not saying it’s okay to have the sex-tour operators but I can well understand why.
Just that the press sounds so incredulous, and how there’s no ‘cause-&effect’ behind it. Ah, but of course, they wouldn’t dare point the finger that
way – towards the powerful hand big-big. That, we all know, and I oso
understand.
That same day in September, I had gone to McDonald’s for a cuppa and
noticed on their video screen, dubbed Channel M, an official Singapore clip
on volunteer workers and the teaching profession. What was shocking was
that in one of the segments in that clip was a clear shot of a subject making
a purchase at KFC! And McDonald’s didn’t mind having that being
screened in their premises! Can you imagine a video ad of, say, Gucci being
showed in a Versace store? Goes to show what it’s like in Singapore!
Corporate investors, take note. Yes, general rules and ethics of competition is one thing but national agendas are clearly another that overrides even
basic marketing codes, as that incident clearly shows. And no one, but NO
ONE, will bother to point this out to you except yours truly! Point is, despite
a so-called ‘open-ness’ towards speaking up, no one DARES. And for a
good reason too!
Bruce Sterling, the American sci-fi author, who was in town recently,
blogged the following observation about Singapore: “Now that I’m out of
Singapore, I reckon it’s safe to allege that Singapore has tidy, authoritarian, city-state machine politics. Presumably, I won’t get sued for
libel for saying this. I mean, it’s the truth. For me, the unsettling aspect
of Singapore isn’t their repression, which is subtle and always nicely
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dressed in legalisms. No, the weird part is the public exhortations, the
regime’s Taoist PR campaign. They’ve got some kind of genuine
Techno-Confucian Mandate of Heaven thing going on” (ST, Sept 8, 05).
Wah, here’s a guy that goes beyond the national contention of ‘industrial
peace’ to include the mystical. But then, I have previously used the word
‘omniscient’ on the system, so… See, I told ya!
“Netizens were abuzz over a news story about five junior college students who were suspended for making rude remarks about their teachers
and vice-principal on their blogs,” The Sunday Times reported on Oct 2, 05.
One Humster blogger, in refuting the argument that the authority’s intervention was a sign of curbing free speech to spread fear in cyberspace, said:
“Free speech is great in the hands of a person expressing his views. But it
can be abused in the hands of a person expressing his angst.” (That, by the
way, was the main contention of the report.) Oh, let’s get Humster to join
the grassroots-leaders gang if he isn’t part of it already. Yah hor, must tell
people what is free speech and what is angst. The two should be mutually
exclusive! We are really at just that level of comprehension after all. No
angst please, we are free speech advocates!
Two Indonesian maids, who were convicted of killing a local businesswoman-employer here, escaped the gallows. The murder charge was
reduced to manslaughter. The judge “was convinced both women suffered
a depression disorder, caused by loneliness, homesickness and money woes
(and) an abnormality of mind that impaired their mental responsibility for
the crime” (ST, Sept 6, 05). I do think that the judge’s verdict to spare the
two women from the gallows is good for international relations too. Good
work, judge. After all, we must never lose sight of industrial peace in
Singapore. Not that we don’t understand the plight of abused maids here in
Singapore and why there’s so much bullying of subordinates on these
shores. But shhhh!!!
“Hold that cynicism, please” – Ms. Chua Lee Hoong wrote in the ST on
Sept 12, 05, referring to ‘the white elephant debate’. (Eight white elephant
cutouts were placed on a road-divider outside the as-yet-unopened
Buangkok MRT station as an alleged mischievous reaction to the PM’s
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comment that “we do not squander money on big white elephants that
become financial burdens”.) Chua elaborated forth: “If the perpetrators are
found to have been (mischievous) grassroots activists with the (ruling)
People’s Action Party, and they are let off with a mild warning, will people
say, ‘Double standards. It would have been different if it had been an opposition party’? If they are levied a stiff fine, will people say, ‘Oh, it’s all for
show’? In other words, will the people insist on, Heads I win, tails you
lose?”
Love the question. I feel that all my gripes are hereon justified by that
show of petty national neurosis. Even Chua thinks there is a political angle
to something as sundry as a prank. So it is a common sentiment in
Singapore, then, that we do have a win-win rationale whenever we are
given the opportunity to be arbiter. Of course, she will candidly ask the sensible question without bothering with the root-cause. And of course, if editorially spun in the national press, the argument will, at best, be a hen and
egg situation. But like I’ve pointed out before, there is a Cantonese saying
that reflects the Biblical truth – we are made in the likeness of God, as in –
like father, like son. And it’s never the other way around. So scowl on, all
ye sng muay brothers and sisters of this uniquely win-win fine city…
I’m afraid heads they win, tails you lose. And they WILL turn around
and ask you why you behave in that sng muay way. I do the blink-blink.
They do blinkers.
Chua ended her essay pointing out that “the police will have to show that
it is impartial in enforcing the law, regardless of which political parties are
involved”. Key word there – show. I think Chua herself has already mentioned the word in its appropriate context cited above. Don’t think I need to
say more.
Thanks, Freud!
Nov, 05
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DODO HEAVE N , CIVILITY HELL
“Dinesh Bhatia turns superstar salesman” – the headline SCREAMS on
the front page of The Sunday Times’ features-blurb on Oct 16, 05. Bhatia
is the Nominated MP’s son who was recently charged in court for drug
possession and consumption. So, look at how he’s turned over a new
leaf! Not that the paper dared to make the point of the story that obvious
by mentioning the drug transgression in the feature. Don’t get me wrong,
I am very happy for Bhatia. Really. It’s the obvious propping of role
models as an agenda that I find too transparent and shameless to stomach. No worries, the general public here is too stupid and numbed out to
bother with the point behind the feature. It’s also about looking after an
anxiety too -‘We gotta do something about his public reputation!’ and
‘don’t say we’re not gracious about giving offenders a second chance!’.
Staying on course of the national-agenda is everything! And it don’t
matter how transparent the tactic looks. We’re in dodo heaven, in case
you don’t know! And never mind Big Brother’s exhortation to “use your
brain”! Like the “Courtesy is our way of life” campaign, it won’t expire
in its cautionary purpose, because the ‘reverse’ is the true reality on these
shores.
Here’s something else that’s so obvious but no one dares mention it.
“Jack Neo and Dick Lee have made history by being the first film-maker
and pop musician (respectively) to win the Cultural Medallion. But
some critics wonder if commercial success should equate artistic
merit” – The Straits Times asked on Oct 22, 05. As we all know commercial success does not necessarily rule out artistic merit. So the question is, at best, a little skewed. Really, here’s the truer question the
paper would not dare ask – should promoting a national agenda be
equated with bestowing artistic merit? Cos we all know why those
‘pop artists’ are being awarded, don’t we? Let’s encourage all to participate in the arts! Not a bad thing per se. But alas, asking that would bring
to question the fundamental reason why we are promoting the arts in the
first place – and it’s all about economic survival. You think we love the
humanities that much? Try kidding me, baby! Go ahead, prove me
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wrong cos heads I win, tails you lose! Isn’t the arts so ‘it’ for me!
Once in a long while, we do witness a concerned Singaporean who
does bother (to analyze and such). One Kelvin Lau Jit Hwee wrote to
The Straits Times on Oct 14, 05 about the political films Act in
Singapore. He pointed out that young film-maker Martyn See ran foul of
the law by making a documentary on opposition-party leader Chee Soon
Juan. (The Films Act renders all local political films as objectionable.)
But what about the fact that “Mediacorp screened a series on PAP leaders. Is it possible that it could have violated the Act?” – he asked. O
sweet, earnest Lau. I assure you that whatever Mediacorp screened is
naturally a historical, and not political, documentary. You want to argue?
I doubt if anyone in the public would want to. And I’m sure the national press would prove me right (if it hasn’t already).
A letter to The Sunday Times’ Inbox on Oct 9, 05 stated: “The attitudes and values of some university students here are a cause for concern. My husband and I boarded a bus with our 18-month-old son. It was
packed with students from the National University of Singapore. I
expected at least one of the undergraduates to offer us a seat, as I was
carrying my child in one arm, but none bothered to do so. They just
stared at me and my son. This incident makes me wonder if there is
something wrong with our education system, or even with our family
values.” The letter writer was one Mdm. Yvonne Lee.
My-my, Mdm. Lee, whatever gave you the idea that there’s nothing wrong with our education system for you to be so surprised? If
only I’d been on that same bus with you, I would have given the students
a good piece of my mind. Especially if they are students, not Ah Bengs,
I would’ve loaded the tongue lashing double-fold. Knowing who to
bully, and then go all out to do it, is certainly one thing I’ve learned from
this no-dirty-laundry system.
Why were you shy to verbally insist on a seat? Should the system
teach you to understand you have the right to ask for one when you have
a child in your arm? As for family values… these days, it’s a bit of a misnomer-term, y’know, cos it’s really about economics, more than sound
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values. Don’t believe me? Please know that there are now officially
sanctioned gay saunas with no-towel nights thriving in our
Republic, despite the law against homosexuality. So what’s your
family values pitched against our nation’s economic survival and the
pink-dollar issue , with absolute transparency thrown in the mix?
Maybe, you do deserve to be left standing in the bus to learn a reality or
two before the Singapore reality stands you up some more in future. Let
me gently shout – WAKE UP, THIS IS SINGAPORE! What do you
expect? If the going’s good, it’s a bonus. We’re in civility hell, don’t you
know?
“Warwick University’s plans to set up a branch in Singapore have met
with opposition from its own senior lecturers,” The Straits Times reported on Oct 14, 05. “Many of its lecturers remain unconvinced over issues
such as academic freedom, financial viability and the university’s ability to attract quality students and staff” (- my italics). Oh, let’s consider
re-phrasing things delicately, now! Image is everything (and I’m not one
to take it for granted despite my verbal dare, I assure you).
Well-well, just before I could say, what the government wants, the
government gets, there was this front-page headline on Oct 22: “No
curbs on what scholars here can study” – the Minister of Education says.
Which of course is true, until some silly ignorant lecturer happens to
breach a subject that ‘interferes with domestic politics’. And Lord knows
it’s so much harder for foreigners to know the minefield of OB-markers
in our well-regimented country of a funky-&-open veneer. After all, if
the dire happens, it won’t be about academic resourcefulness but undermining social stability and industrial peace!
Very quickly before the debate about Warwick got too heated, the
university itself issued a statement that was published that same Oct 22
day to say - “Finances, not freedom, worried Warwick University”. But
of course, the whole world knows how much more freer than ever
Singapore has become. Why debate the fact, yah?!!
Then, on Oct 25, the Director of Schools from the Ministry of
Education announced in an almost unrelated statement to the Warwick
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issue -- “No proselytizing allowed in schools” (ST Forum). I suppose it’s
up to Father Paternal (who always knows best) to decide what constitutes proselytizing, yah?! My siow friend thinks that getting kids in history class to believe that it was Sir Stamford Raffles, not Sang Nila
Utama, who discovered Singapore does NOT constitute proselytizing. I
oso think soooo too! I’m quite sure proselytizing is best defined in good
ole nation-building lingo, like economic peace and industrial peace.
Yah?!
“Casino watchdog will have bite” – went a headline on Oct 20. Oh,
I’m sure. But question is – will it also have the same exonerative power
for ‘honest mistakes’ that the watchdog of Slim 10 has? Come to think
of it, my question is way too rhetorical even for me to stomach. But who
bothered to bark upon it the slightest in dodo paradise? These days free
speech does take on a whole new meaning on these shores when you
think of what could be gotten away with! If Singapore has no bite, we
may as well fly kite! Not that we don’t, as it is!
The very week news broke about my new line of T-shirts Evil Lurks,
a letter by one Woo Seng Hong to The Sunday Times on Oct 23 said: “I
was offended by the messages printed on T-shirts worn by two young
men in the Bugis Junction area two weeks ago. One message in bold lettering said: ‘I am surrounded by idiots’. The other was a large picture
showing the ‘third finger’. The men moved around with their girlfriends
among the crowds with an air of nonchalance. Such a scenario must
surely be deemed an infringement of the Public Entertainment and
Meetings Act by the police because offensive messages were being
flashed prominently by the wearers.”
Oh dear, sweet Woo, in this day and age of MTV Punk’d, hip &
swinging Urban lifestyle culture and ready Internet access, one should
never finger out the specific T’s in our ardently funky-&-open arena, the
supplier may not be able to cope after that! Besides, you do forget we
wanna encourage the young to express themselves even in ways that are
considered too wayward - like calling our divine ruler a despot! You are
talking about T’s that the young want to wear! Deprive them of a skate
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park and we’ll be in no-future-leaders hell! I would imagine same goes
for CDs, T’s, and your all-important Nike and Adidas.
By the way, wink-wink, what made you wait two weeks before bothering to write to the press?
Dec, 05
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MAVERICK AGENDA # 103 : LET’S ORGANIZE DISSENT !
Here’s to a smokin’ new year of growing economy, flag-flaunting transparency and creativity overdrive. Cos all that can only serve to benefit me
as an un-Singaporean Singaporean.
On Oct 23, 05, the Senior Minister of State for Health – Dr. Balaji
Sadasivan announced that “a total ban on cigarettes may increase smuggling, affect the income of some people, and keep tourists away” (IS
magazine # 279). See, I was right about why there’s no absolute ban on
smoking, I cited those same reasons to some pals too; unlike my siow
friend who says it has something to do with the General Election. So not
true, right?!
“Sports is the perfect solution for young Singaporeans” - Senior
Minister of State for Law & Home Affairs said in the Nov/Dec issue of
Home Team NS magazine. And why is that so? “Otherwise, young
Singaporeans can be too individualistic or computer-oriented” – was
the answer! We surely don’t want that, do we! In view of that objective,
imagine how much more ludicrous it is to accept some local organization
(FOCAS)’s motto that “Dissent is democracy”! So why can that motion
still thrive in our strictly regimented Singapore when even four quiet protesters flashing placards can be arrested for disturbing the peace, and
when being too individualistic and computer-oriented can’t be condoned?
No need to wonder, cos we Singaporeans don’t. We are one big happy
dodo family, don’t you know?
Don’t get me wrong, I totally respect what FOCAS does in its humanitarian pursuits (yes, I do, and I’m not being condescending!). What I’m
skeptical about is why the authorities’ ‘resigned’ acceptance to its motion
that “dissent is democracy”? As the Malays might say – tak gel, leh!
While the dodo public chooses to remain mum on the obvious, allow me
to spell it out loud and clear for you – it’s the new Remaking Singapore
way of having ‘organized dissent’! You think out of the box, they just box
you in lor. As they’ll no doubt say in the press these days – you don’t
expect us to sit back and let you disrupt, right? But encouraging ‘dissent’
is something else altogether. It’s for… economic peace! And that’s oh-so
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justified.
To think that all the poor dears – from Lion City indie-rockers to subterranean station’s earnest artists – are falling for the all-new ‘organized
dissent’ agenda lock stock & barrel does make one wonder if being a
dodo is a prerequisite for Singaporeans to consider themselves human.
Ah well, what do I care, especially when Big O can’t even publish my
new book nor can it comment anymore about the Singapore system in its
weekly e-mailer Update! I mean, do you care? Exactly. I oso lor! “I
happy dodo, you happy dodo, we all happy dodo, like one happy dodo…
You got remember to watch channel 8 or not?”
Ignatius Low, the ‘new generation’ pawn-columnist (in my eyes anyway), who wrote about “Pop culture – don’t look for a formula” a few
months before, had a whole column in The Sunday Times (Nov 13, 05)
dedicated to Annabel Chong. Coming from him, you jolly well know
what to expect and the point of it all. Back in 1995, Annabel put
Singapore on the unthinkable map for holding the record of having sex
with 251 men in 10 hours. Of course, she did it in America, darling, or
she’d have been held under lock and key, and lobotomized by our people-loving, moral-hoisting authorities. Low was her former class-mate,
see. And besides, we’re so maverick and so much ‘younger’ now to
remember the feat, it doesn’t really matter if we chime in a good word or
two about Annabel these days. Just as along as we still reinforce the message that she is really no role model for Singaporeans by our national
standard.
“My hope is that the next generation will invoke Annabel’s spirit
more, not less. And that society will have the grace and maturity to
accept this,” Low wrote. Why next generation? Isn’t this male
Annabel here with pants on not good enough for you? Oh I see, no
‘world-class’ coverage, yeah? And are we sure you mean society and
not authority? Same thing in Singapore? Ah, but of course. 1984, let’s
not forget, calls for it to be so. Don’t think even in these funky ‘Remaking
Singapore’ times, we can really officially explain the ‘depth’ behind
Annabel’s point of the feat. Well, let me bring out a quote from my sec-
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ond book, one spoken by Annabel herself, to highlight that.
‘Singapore lives in the year 1984… In Singapore, pornography is filth.
That’s okay. To do pornography is to be against the collective agreement
of what it means to be a Singaporean. Fuck ‘em. They can lick my ass,”
the lady herself had said. So, I propose that in invoking the spirit of
Annabel’s dare – and doing it not less, but more – do give yourself a good
long lick, all you repressed and dodo Singaporeans! You need to, if just
to invoke MORE. After all, the whole point of the essay was shamelessly declared in its agenda-propping headline – “Doing the unthinkable”. Well, Low…
You mean to say that my X’Ho-Files essays are ‘thinkable’ enough to
be published in the national press, hence they can’t make the cut to help
invoke the unthinkable? Or is controversy absolutely required to validate
me? The same controversy that requires Big Brother’s approval? Maybe
I should ask Big O, not that their silence means anything to you and the
dodo moral majority. So what sort of unthinkable can we think of doing?
The same one that’s approved by Big Brother to not have a formula? You
can see that rhetoric means a bundle to me. I only sound like I disapprove
of your views, actually I love them more than you can imagine. You have
no idea how validated I feel by them, in effect. Why else did I declare
myself a Gov. Pawn Star?! I admit I’m only zircon, unlike you – the real
24 carat!
O, how the outsiders (foreigners) don’t know the wool that’s pulled
over their eyes! There is this full-page ad of The Straits Times celebrating its 160th year. It shows a man leaning against a taxi (presumably his,
hence the impression that he’s a cab-driver), happily reading the day’s
paper. In the background is the Esplanade -- home of the arts in
Singapore. The caption in the ad says: “My daily fix. So I can talk about
anything to anyone.” Really? Because not long ago one cab driver said:
“When foreigners ask me about Singapore, I tell them what I know, but
when they discuss politics with me, I tell them I don’t know and cannot
comment. We were told during (cab-driving) courses that we are drivers
not politicians, and should not discuss politics” (ST, Sept 19, 04).
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So, “talk about anything”? Oh yes, I forgot about maverick agenda
#23, we have absolute free speech.
Just don’t say anything bad about the government.
Jan, 06
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CONSERVATIVE SOCIETY? WHAT CRAZY HORSE SHIT!
Ooh, look! The Sunday Times’ big splash of news and ads about Crazy
Horse – the first “beautiful artistic nude show” from Paris – arriving in
Singapore on Dec 6, 05. What a ‘wild’ new development in our oft-touted ‘conservative society’! (Y’mean you expect me to sit back and say
nothing like the rest of the dodo Singaporeans?) Predictably, The New
Paper tabloid had to come up with a sensationalistic ‘atonement’ of our
contradictory turnaround. Its big headline poser was: “Has it become hip
to be raunchy in Singapore?” The answer? Yes -- they win, no -- you
lose. Know a win-win question when you see one?
One should really marvel at the shameless transparency of agendapropping on these shores that points the public to only one perspective –
the System’s! Elsewhere, they’d call it shameless dogmatism. But this is
Singapore, we only call it what the institutionalized press-refugees call
it at the order of our all-encompassing nation-building agenda. Allencompassing, cos it often sidesteps intelligence and rationality.
Besides, the masses here don’t know the word dogmatism (unless you
explain to them, lor.) And those of us who do still have to rely on the
one-&-only national press to tell us how to think in the socially acceptable way. Social sanctions all firmly in place, lurve.
So we are still a conservative society? How so with the Crazy Horsetitties show and what’s the real issue behind that New Paper question?
Simple. We have to remain economically competitive in this peopleempowering age of the Internet. So conservative society or no, it’s all for
economic and industrial peace! Well, step aside, Asian family values
when Big Brother has some other pressing needs at hand. No worries, in
Singapore, we don’t really ask questions anyway. How can we? Except
for yours truly. And no, I don’t consider the national press’ big alarming questions as questions when there’s no real answer sought and
it’s all about spinning a thousand yarn of self-serving justifications.
That, or it’s about diverting you from the real issue with shameless
half-truths in tow.
On Singapore and entrepreneurship, our Minister Mentor told Time
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magazine: “Free enterprise was not working (for us) because we did
not have enough entrepreneurs… We had traders, not manufacturers… Why did the Govt. start a shipping line? Because we didn’t
have a Y.K. Pao or a C.Y. Tung, as in Hong Kong. The same with
Singapore Airlines, and so with an iron and steel mill… Have we got
a Li Ka-shing?” (ST, Dec 5, 05).
Of course, that explanation assumes that we don’t need to wonder
why we haven’t got enough remarkable entrepreneurs in the first place.
And don’t you dare argue! Who dares? Does us no good to wonder about
those real reasons anyway. Alright, no one would have the guts to say
this, so let me: If we had a Li Ka-shing, he would have disappeared up
someone’s ka-ching somewhere back in 1979. Yes, do grant yourself the
liberty to think of all the implications behind that off-color indictment,
why don’t you. C’mon, we do want daring entrepreneurs.
Contradictions, notwithstanding. I do love all of our urgent Remaking
Singapore agendas, for reasons uniquely… me, you can well imagine.
On truths not halved… You can always rely on the estimable Koh
Buck Song for more than what’s expected of national-press writers. It
was he who boldly declared -- we were “once repressed” and that
Singapore is the only country that can have its cake and eat it!
On Dec 9, 05, he wrote in the essay Discovering The Future History
Of Singapore: “Once, speaking at a forum overseas, I tried to suggest
that Singapore should do more to nurture the arts. But a senior government representative who was also on the panel attacked this point, saying ‘we can’t all become poets, or Singapore will go down the drain’. I
never said ‘everyone’ should become poets, only there should be just a
little more understanding of what the arts can contribute. But the big
problem with the engineering mindset is the tendency to see things
in terms of zero or 100 per cent, all or nothing.”
Let’s call a spade a spade and not just call it ‘engineering mindset’.
Surely, in the context of what’s revealed, that term qualifies as ‘dogmatism’, no? (Now, we just need the Chua sisters to come on and say how
a little dogmatism is good for nationalism! Reining in the minds is such
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a piece of cake in Singapore, and as transparent too!)
On more half-truths… “Singaporean Muslim men prefer a
Vietnamese bride to local women” was the front-page headline of The
New Paper on Jan 1, 06, explaining that they don’t need to pay high
dowries. Oh yeah? Just the high agency fee, yah?! I do like the feature.
It’s a subtle way to say, hey, those bride-buying agencies in Singapore
don’t just cater to the Chinese. Not that Singaporeans ever think about
it. Nor the notion that bride-buying in Singapore is really a legalized
form of human trade. Who dares? By the way who dares to ponder
how social problems might arise from such economically-arranged marriages officially endorsed to balance population demographics. As the
famous Singapore saying goes, we’ll cross the bridge when we get to it.
Just the day before, also in The New Paper’s front page: “Viet bridefor-sex scam victim (says) I still want a Singapore hubby” and “thanks,
Singapore, for jailing him (the con-man).” So now, the wrongdoing is
smartly focused on the conman. See how well a little scam serves to distract from the whole moral issue of bride-buying? And the marvelous
part is – no one is asking the pertinent humanitarian questions.
Feb, 06
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LET’S EMPOWER THEM FOR OUR OWN ENDS
The New Paper on Jan 15, 06: “Money stunts quite enough: Hong Kong
charity shows have since moved on. Why shouldn’t we?” Let me see…
For one, the folks in HK are not quite as kiasu in proving a ‘national’ point
that we are motivationally successful and people-loving. The other more
important point here is that we can never really ‘move on’ from being…
‘juvenile’ in our entertainment ways. Can you imagine Singaporeans
growing and wising up? How scary is that to our Masters? “Use your
brain” only when you’re told to do so, get it?
Why do you think all that juvenile-humor on our breakfast radio shows
is still so popular? You certainly don’t get a Singaporean Howard Stern
who dares ask probing national questions around here. They’d label it
being irrelevantly political.
Someone wrote to The Sunday Times that same Jan 15 to say: “On an
MRT ride, I noticed a girl sitting opposite me take out a nail file to file the
fingernails of her boyfriend. As she finished each nail, she would brush the
filings off his jeans. After a while, she started digging his fingernails as
well. I could not hold my tongue any longer and told her she was being
inconsiderate. But she shot back: ‘Come on, it’s only powder!’ The couple
filing their nails seemed educated enough. They spoke well and they wore
T-shirts with smart-alecky slogans.”
I had a similar experience at a downtown cinema recently. A young
funky Indian couple (no doubt funky cos even in the cinema-darkness I
could see the guy’s mini-mohawk hair-do) was seated next to me and was
especially chatty and giggly. After a while, I turned to the guy and asked
if he intended to carry on his conversation as we’re all watching a movie.
His response was: “But we were not talking loudly, what.” Being Mr. Nag
here and not easily dismissed by a defensive Singaporean retort, I told him
flatly: “But I heard it all!” That silenced them for a while, but only for a
while. In no time, the giggly conversation started again, this time with the
shuffling of kropok snacking to boot. I found an empty seat across the aisle
and moved away… too glad to leave the ugly Singaporeans be.
That’s the kind of young people we have today in Singapore, I’m afraid.
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And yes, I’m GENERALIZING because it is fair enough to. Good on the
education system and on the youths’ parents, I’m so proud of them! As the
usual Singaporean retort goes: What can we do? I’d say the same, lor, and
leave the System here to think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the
people of Singapore who are proud to call themselves Singaporeans.
I love it when the national mentality – drop-on-the-floor-still-pick-upsand (“let’s learn from our honest mistakes and move on…”) -- trickles
down to the psyche en masse. Not that there’s anything wrong with moving on from mistakes, just the hair-splitting nature of how some mistakes
are ‘nationally’ more honest than others! Mull on that, y’all!
“Slog all day for $700 a month? Some do,” Lydia Lim reported on Jan
21, 06 in the Straits Times. Guess she’s doing us a favor by telling our
State Ministers who are among the highest paid in the world (if not the
highest)! Sweet Lydia, while telling Big Brother she just happens to
appear like she’s telling us! Consider it my prerogative to argue it that
way. The last say, babe!
“Opposition MPs will be ideal when the next general election rolls
around, but only if it is a decent opposition” – The Sunday Times piqued
on Jan 29, 06. But that’s it, there’s really no ‘decent opposition’ in
Singapore! How else to account for them being sued by the Gov?
I do love it when General Election season hots up. The kiasu instinct
rears its ready head for a full-on shameless… last say. To wit: “Govt hits
out at Workers’ Party’s ‘Time Bombs (Manifesto)’ (The Sunday Times,
Jan 22, 06). It concerns the Workers’ Party call to abolish all Residents’
Committees and Citizens Consultative Committees, among other things,
saying -- “they are eyes and ears of the Government”. The Government’s
retort: “These grassroots organizations are necessary to bring racial and
religious committees together, keep them together and play a role in
crises.”
Right on, I say. How else can we get the filing-nails’ parents to band
together to karaoke? Or to think they’re in one happy cohesive paradise?
The same ones who wonder what could be wrong with our youths all over
the trains and jeans and cinemas! Let the opposition parties bring on the
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noize! We have the best last say!
“Help for needy is long term, not polls ploy: PM. Measures are not sudden development but ongoing and meant to lift everybody up” (ST, Jan 23,
06). Now, why would any Singaporean doubt the sheer coincidence of the
“sudden development” happening around Election season? I wouldn’t!
The next day… “EDB forecast: $8.5b investment flow and 25,000 new
jobs” (ST). So, vote with confidence always, y’all; not that voting is related to these cash benefits. Not at all! I do love the ‘national transparency’
agenda. Obvious is as obvious does. Staying mum does equate to being
ignorant. Splendid.
“Plenty of morality lessons on parenting, communication and filial
piety… preachy and obvious.” Is that the Straits Times in a nutshell?
Alas, it’s the pot calling the kettle black from ST film-critic Ong Sor Fern
panning Jack Neo’s I Not Stupid Too. Fabulous!
“Japanese government rapped for supporting scandal-hit Internet whizz
kid” – was a headline on Channel News Asia spotted on Jan 23, 06. Would
you ever see one here that says Singapore government rapped… Never!
Never say never? Singapore can!
Oh look, Big Brother has shot himself in the foot again through one of
his most earnest henchmen Warren Fernandez. In his Thinking Aloud column in ST (on Jan 21): “For the annual conference by the Feedback Unit
to discuss ideas… on the agenda, are ‘big picture’ discussions on how to
empower people…” My, think of the implication of that agenda! Not that
dodo Singaporeans would. Implication? What’s that?!!
What is your problem, cantankerous X’ Ho? I hear some blast away.
Problem? Well, I can just hear Big Brother, if asked a question like that.
Problem? No problem. Nothing we can’t handle. So, simply put it down
to me learning well in pushing for my last say!
You could even say I’m the self-elected Miniscule Mentor and chief
disciple of the cheap art.
March, 06
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EXTREMELY SPORTING
“Not just a Garden City but a City within A Garden. That’s what
Singapore wants to be. Where open spaces mean more nature to enjoy,
rather than more money to be made” (The Straits Times, Jan 28, 06). The
unwritten corollary to that, I take it, should read: just leave the moneymaking to the State, after all, even turning religious issues away from the
great Singapore casino debate is all about money in the name of economic competitiveness. As my band Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz declared in
the song Media Whore – “Just look pretty/stay mum…Enjoy the
scenery/ savor the luxury”. Watch Big Brother’s pocket grow for your
own good (no, we haven’t forgotten that big-hearted paternalism dogma,
have we?).
In a two-page Sunday Times feature on skateboarding in Singapore
titled All On Board (Feb 12, 06), a tiny question at the bottom of the feature asks in great earnest: “Is Singapore doing enough to promote a
culture of extreme sports?” What it really means is – Have the
authorities done enough to embrace extreme sports? Think about it,
be it skateboarding, foam parties, Rochor Canal’s flea-market or
nude-revues, the ‘extreme’ can be permitted ONLY when it’s ‘coopted’ by Big Brother. So who’s not ready? Still wanna ‘empower
yourself’ more? (Co-opted: Big Bro must have a hand in it to regulate,
get it?) So, me petty?
Don’t remember His good old ‘paternalistic authoritarian’ ways? Why
do you think we ain’t got the entrepreneurial spirit? Except that now, He
just has to air the new-agenda slogan ‘empower yourself’ to have you
think that His good old paternalistic authoritarianism has somehow
expired. Oh, go on, you’re mature to think for yourself now, ONLY
because He ALLOWS you to think it. Get it? As in “use your brain” only
when you’re told to do so. Now, how fabulous is that!
Nobody will tell you this but it was yours truly who brought the
‘empowering the people’ notion to the authorities’ attention. In my Oct
2001 X’ Ho-Files (which became chapter 44 of my last book Attack Of
The SM Space Encroachers) titled Setting The Attitude Straight, I’d
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quoted an entire essay by one Tan Chade Meng – Why Do Singaporeans
Criticize Their Government So Much? (It had first appeared in the nowdefunct Singapore Electronic Forum (SinterCom) on the Net.) In that
essay, Tan talked of empowering the people as a solution to the growing
problems of the Singapore culture. Check it out from my book. Of
course, they’ll never tell you it came from me. (But Viv would know!)
“Sullen youths with no social graces and hostile stares are a growing
breed. Whatever happened to proper upbringing?” – went a report in the
ST on Feb13, 06. And another on that same day had the headline “Being
rude now the norm for youngsters here”. So, I’m right about ugly
Singaporeans scowling constantly, yeah! Purely rhetorical there, I know
I’ve always been right. I live in heartland with true grassroots grit
endured, so I should know.
O, how ‘sweetly’ put, the anxiety --“whatever happened to upbringing?” An upbringing managed with the help of Channel 8 and The Straits
Times’ how-to-live-&-think instructions. No worries, no one will dare
think that, here in dodo (or act dodo) Singapore. Big Brother implicated? C’mon, it’s your children of your upbringing! Never mind that
it’s His papers, His TV and His coveted media that CONSTANTLY
run your lives UNDER THE STRICTICT REGIMENTATION. And
no matter how “preachy and obvious” it all gets too! (Thanks, Ms.
Ong! See my essay last month.)
Oh look! In the big obituary to old-guard-minister S. Rajaratnam in
the ST on Feb 23, 06, there’s a pic of him borrowing a light from a former Malaysian deputy PM, and the cigarette (gasp!) is seen perched
between the late State Minister’s lips. Now, of all the photos in the press
file, why pick such a one? Can you imagine any living State Minister or
pawn star from these shores being shown lighting up in the national
paper? Based on the headlines of that obituary – ‘Foreign Policy
Architect’ and ‘The Multicultural Man’, the only logical conclusion I
can draw from that un-PC photo is that smoking must still be hip! (Now,
Master, understand why the press hates me. Who else would point these
things out to you?)
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I truly love those invisible OB (out-of-bound) markers in
Singapore. So invisible and arbitrary, you have to be my age (!) and
have lived here all your life to recognize them well. “Sex tape scandals don’t just plague mere mortals like Nanyang Polytechnic’s Tammy.
Celebrities like Pamela Anderson have had to live them down too” -The Sunday Times advised on Mar 5, 06. Oh yeah? But dear Pam in real
Hollywood had a grand moment and chance to live up her controversy
too. I doubt anyone in smallsville Singapore, that doesn’t appear victim,
can affect a scandal for his/her own gain. We’re gov. pawn starz, remember?!
One more thing… Imagine… if that Singaporean Tammy were not a
student but a swinging housewife with a sex tape to her name! (Students
now have special privileges cos our Masters are really concern about not
winning over the young in this fear-of-no-future-leaders age of an undynamic environment He’s single-handedly fostered.) Wouldn’t WE (all
the miserable, repressed and hence self-righteous lay citizens) love to
thumb down the swinging wayward in the name of ‘conservative society’!
Some of you may have taken notice of the news that I’d shot a short
film to enter for this year’s Singapore International Film Festival (check
my website www.xhosux.com). I regret to inform you that I’ve chosen
to withdraw my film at the suggestion of the Festival’s committee. All
they said was “We’re worried about your film and we suggest you withdraw it from the program”. Always one to cover backside big-big, I did
as I was advised, though I must admit that I was a little surprised by
the committee’s response to my film. It was made specifically for the
Festival with the hope of it being shown. So naturally, I didn’t go out
of my way to create any self-defeating ‘anxiety’. Goes to show how
much more faith I have in the System than it gives me credit for. But
everyone who’s watched it thinks I’m crazy to reckon it can ever be
shown in Singapore! No worries, Big Bro, it’s not like you’ve officially ‘disapproved’ to render our arts-driven country small-minded.
So, was I being chicken-shit to withdraw it at the mere suggestion of
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a kind committee? Of course not, as Big Brother, if in my shoes, would
also defensively say. I did it to prove that I’m not prepared to be a martyr! (There, for all of you who thought otherwise!) And perhaps to prove
that I can be such a sport to the film-fest committee! But if the System
chooses to blow my effort up to scandalous proportions from hereon,
then let it be known that the days of performance artist Josef Ng being
persecuted for his art are still here to stay!
Long live arts hub, yah?
April, 06
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P FOR PEA-BRAIN & PRIMED PERCEPTION
Horror of horrors! Two Nanyang Polytechnic (NYP) students video’d
themselves having sex and the footage was circulated without the couple’s knowledge! But… but… the bigger horror of it all – more than
dodo Singaporeans care to think about – is the fact that the young female
in the tryst was willingly performing oral sex on her partner, AND
THEY’RE NOT EVEN MARRIED (for the oral-sex act to be
deemed ‘legal’)!! So, you say the law is arbitrary or not? No lah, of
course not arbitrary mah. Simply because in this case, the ‘offender’ is a
victim (being scandalized by her own footage that escaped her safekeeping). Awww. So cham hor. Nothing to do with the fact that she’s of the
young generation demographics of future-leaders-upheld-by-our-desperate-system, I suppose. You know I know, lor.
Big feature news in The New Paper on Mar 26, 06: “My horror honeymoon – ‘I gave him my body, he took my dignity,’ Viet bride in matchmaking scam returns to Singapore to tell (all).” Aiyah, Viet bride, first of
all, you must understand that Singaporeans know precious little about
dignity, so how can you blame someone for desecrating something he
knows little of? Besides, I can rightfully assume that the scam that arose
only happened because the matchmaking came not from a Singaporedeemed legal source. And if it did, I would jump the gun to defend that
this time, it must have been an ‘honest mistake’ of some overlooked slip.
Now then, what’s your gripe, Ms. Viet-bride…?
With regards to social problems of such bride-buying arrangements… Of course, we anticipate them. When they hit enough as a sizeable problem for us to do something, we will, by then, have accomplished our goal of getting our Ah Beng bachelors to marry. When that
time comes, we’ll self-righteously ban such arrangements, lor. But until
then, let’s just say we’ll cross the bride (sic) when we get to it! (That
maxim has worked these 30 years in Singapore!)
“You must dream on and re-invent to keep your shit hole busy to let
the economy grow. To them, the shit was a gift from heaven.” Satirical
words of sanctifying proportions from the Tamil playwright Elangovan
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found in his newest controversial play P (Tamil slang for shit), staged at
the Substation from Mar 23 – 25 not without obstacles from the local
censors, of course. So how can we not rejoice or feel proud? You wouldn’t if you’re a literary monger (who always believe in moving on to
achieve higher artistic goals, hence flogging the same Singaporean woes
is but stagnation, they’d claim) or a member of the national press who
doesn’t dare violate your own vocational code of sworn ethics. Hong
Xinyi’s review of P in the ST (Mar 25) states that “P wears its bitter
angry heart so self-indulgently on its rebellious sleeve that its vitriol
becomes not only belabored, but also boring.” If done otherwise, she
adds, it might have been “quite interesting to stomach”.
Of course, Hong is entitled to her opinion, but as a member of
Elangovan’s appreciative audience, let me say that P is not written for
‘obedient’ civil servants like her. Imagine Elangovan writing something
less indulgent so it will be “quite interesting” for folks like her to stomach… Eat my P! (From that, I hope you can plainly see the point of, say,
Pasolini’s Salo!) So, P was indulgent and belabored? Imagine my critique of the local system as one so self-indulgently and self-righteously
sanctimonious that its regimentation becomes not only belabored (all
you ever get is their last say!) but also numbing! But who gives a tush?
Hong thinks P was given to “long bouts of rambling ranting”.
Methinks the system is given to such bouts too – just substitute ‘rambling ranting’ with numbing self-justifications. Ranting, for those who
know, is completely justified in Singapore (I’m tempted to say just cos
She is Uniquely Singapore). Ranting is simply the nemesis of nochoice eating P. (Pasolini’s Salo was set in Mussolini’s Italy, no less!!)
To be fair, despite the bad review, ST had plugs of the play everyday
during its three-day run. Yes, that is the paradoxical climate of
Singapore these days, they want you to… but not too much either! Don’t
we know, don’t we know! Thinking out of the box has become a national necessity (for a P-brain nation, it’s only a matter of time before gray
matter goes with the passing of the generation in power). Where else in
the world, would you find a government telling its people to “use
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your brain” (as a national campaign) and not have its people feel
insulted? (Remember the Sars-vivor Rap by Gurmit Singh?)
Gasp, gasp, gasp.Wah-lau, wah-lan, wah-piang! Our Minister Mentor
(MM) Lee fielded questions from post-1965-vers for a TV forum Why
My Vote Matters to pre-empt the forthcoming General Elections. A New
Paper journalist Kor Kian Beng suggested that if Mr. Lee would retire,
it would put an end to the popular perception that he’s “pulling the
strings” (ST, Apr 13). At which our leader shot back: “Would you like
me to step out of politics?” Kor replied: “No, I’m just conveying the
message.” Lee: “No, I’m asking you – would you like me to step out of
politics?” Kor: “Why not stay as an MP and not as the MM?” Lee:
“There are things which I can do as a minister in government which I
believe no other person can do. It’s as simple as that.” You can almost
heave a sigh of relief for Kor. Almost, but really, there’s no need to.
The point of the ‘forum’, if you ask me, is to show that, now, the lay
Singaporean can question the government (now that permission is granted!). But ask anyone from the older generation if he or she would dare
ask the Mentor to step down and the answer can only be – you want to
die, izit? When someone in that TV forum pointed out that the PAP is
perceived as arrogant, Lee jovially asked: “If I’m arrogant, would I be
here talking to you?” Oooh, wonder why he replied with the subjective
I instead of saying ‘we’? Just wonderin’..
So, what did I do when I read about the ‘forum’? I jumped up and
down heartily applauding that it was a damn good show! Show of ‘openness’ towards regimented questioning. Got the message that the government is trying to tell you, dodo Singaporeans? Or do we have to hold
forum no.2 to make you see? Please don’t suggest asking the above 50
to participate, okay? That wouldn’t quite fit our agenda of encouraging
the young to speak up and participate in politics. And that we know is
of utmost importance now.
MM Lee: “Politics has got to do with your life, your job, your home,
your Medicare, your children’s future. Suppose it goes wrong…” (ST,
Apr 13, 06). We wouldn’t want that, do we? Especially when our Master
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defines all the right kind of wrong for us. On that point about politics,
there was a time when BigO, the rock publication which also went
online, was accused of being ‘political’ when some say it should just
concern itself with music. So, how do we account for its temporary
demise on the Internet when one should be more involved in politics?
(BigO has now returned without any social commentary these days.) Oh,
I see… it’s got to be the kind of ‘politics’ decreed by our Master of our
universe! But of course!
Regimented is as regimented does, then. Not that the mouthless people don’t know or care to bother with. Please wait for authorized anointing of mouth to open for TV, yah?
May 06
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SELF-CENSORSHIP A MYTH?
“PAP questions quality of opposition” – main headline of the Straits
Times on Apr 24, 06. Aiyah, if the opposition parties here have got ‘quality”, this wouldn’t be Singapore! Of course, our opposition parties are
never up-to-scratch. Who doesn’t know that? Here’s more eye-candy on
that same pre-Election day….
“Singapore Democratic Party (SDP) defamed the whole
Government” (by calling it corrupt over the National Kidney
Foundation’s wrong doing). Don’t these stupid people know anything
about ‘honest mistakes’? “Only our PM and his father the Minister
Mentor “will take legal action against SDP”. The Senior Minister said
that SDP chief Dr. Chee Soon Juan, “being a bankrupt knows he has
nothing to lose”. Perhaps that’s why the whole SDP motherlode has to
be ‘courted’, lor. There’s more on that same day in the ST.
“The man who owns the firm, which printed the SDP newsletter, may
well be working in Malaysia now. He has been served a letter of demand
for his role in publishing The New Democrat” (for the SDP to defame
our morally upright Government). Climate of fear? I can just hear our
young generation say ‘donch have’. And of course, they can’t be wrong,
when the national press asserts so.
What did Ms. Chua Lee Hoong say on that same day about the whole
SDP saga? “Chee’s style does disservice to opposition cause.” (She perhaps means ‘no cause’, since they got questionable quality.) Now, donch
we all know that as well! So let’s chime in a good Singaporean rally –
Chee, byeeeeeee !!
C’mon, y’all. Learn once more and with greater vigor to stand on the
side that’s winning. And we all know who has the truest of the true winwin! Who so stupid wants to be on the side of the loser(s), put your cock
up!
“Not Govt’s job to help opposition,” the Govt. said (ST, Apr 13).
Gosh, we didn’t know that! And then, a post-graduate theatre studies student Edward Choy wrote in the ST on Apr 17, “True democracy? I’ll
take economic stability over mob rule anytime.” (Wow, this one’s ready
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of instant corporate sponsorship once he starts putting his degree to the
test!) So, it’s either true democracy or mob rule, is it? Nothing in
between, yah? Extremely well argued! “PAP’s manifesto boring? That’s
fine,” said a PAP minister. Boring? Can bread-&-butter issues ever be
boring? He who says the manifesto is boring, put your cock up higher.
(Cock as in you-so-cock, stupe!)
“Making Singapore a fashion hub” – went the headline of a Straits
Times’ Life! feature on Apr 5. This is in addition to the current goal that
Singapore is primed to be an arts hub as well. They can hub and hub and
blow the competition down for all I care, but what good is an all-round
hub when it can’t even screen to a limited film-festival audience my
short film My Demon Brother! Sorry, not ‘can’t’, but – ‘rather not’ (see
Apr 06’s Files). The fact that the festival committee thinks my film will
be problematic (and that all my friends also concur), though I can cover
backside big-big about the film’s content, shows the extent of fear and
paranoia this place harbors. And I’m not one to deny the fear myself.
Oh-no. After all, I had willingly withdrawn the film through no coercion
but my own paranoia. I do know that it is sheer arbitrary option what
they choose to do to you should you opt to fly in their face. We’ve
lived with enough scare-tactics all these years to know better. Unless
one is referring to the gullible young that the System is so fervently
trying to win over for fear of a no-future-leaders tomorrow.
“Who says Singaporeans are short on opinions?” – went just the kind
of editorial-headline I lurve in the ST on Mar 31. When the write-up is
one coming from the national press, we just know! When you lift up
your leg/tail, people already know whether you’re peeing or shitting –
goes the Cantonese saying. Ah, but the happy-hostage media is gleefully enthralled! By the way, the feature was to plug a new book titled
Struck By Lightning – a selection of 36 post-1965ers’ essays published
by the company that publishes the national press!
“They dared to ask the Prime Minister – in TV forum” – went another ‘provocative’ headline (ST, Mar 31). They dared only because they’ve
been told to do so. (I love it!) More of these headlines please, for this
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writer’s benefit. Let’s have more of them, so our dodo Singaporeans will
feel even more numbed out to care.
Dodo is so not true? Li Ao, a famously outspoken Taiwanese politician and author who went on a tour of China, said in a press conference
in Hong Kong: “Taiwanese are still better. They’re scoundrels but
they’re lovable. Hong Kongers are craftier. Singaporeans are stupider.
The Chinese are more unfathomable” (ST, Apr 7). He also pointed out
that Chinese Singaporeans’ forefathers were migrant workers and merchants from China who were poorly educated and “not of a good stock”.
Of course, some indignant Singaporean wrote in to the ST (Apr 14)
to defend our great nation, saying that just because our forefathers were
poorly educated migrant workers does not mean that their descendents
are necessarily stupid. That’s true, but I’d say that they would end up
being stupid when they were poorly educated during the ensuing nationbuilding years that dictated a certain desperate agenda for facts-&-figures engineers and more ‘yes-men’ engineers! I’m not saying it’s not a
rationalizable agenda, but it’s certainly one that produced skewed
results because something’s gotta give. And it’s all because our gloryhallelujah master wants us to be a place of great reckoning (if not no.1)
in double quick-time. As for latent problems, it was put down to – we’ll
cross the bridge when we get to it. Fabulous!
Another ST reader also wrote in (on Apr 14) but agreeing with Li Ao:
“There is not one day I am not irked by poor manners on the streets.”
Now, I can’t wait for the happy-hostage journos, in the national
press, to be ‘dead chickens yanking at the lid of the rice-cooker’ to
do the obvious, i.e. ‘drop on floor must pick up sand’. (All wonderful Cantonese sayings, y’all, to mean pulling out all stops to justify ‘til
kingdom come.)
So what did our Prime Minister say in that oh-so-daring TV forum
when asked about the Li Ao issue? “To Li Ao, many people are stupid”
– was his answer (ST, Apr 8). Tell me if that’s not the best rice-cooker
repartee you could hope to hear! Rice-cooker there refers to preserving
our Singapore rice-bowl. Is that win-win enough for you?
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On Apr 12, Li Ao’s follow-up statement to the commotion he stirred
was that none of the other countries he ‘criticized’ “reacted strongly”.
Let’s see, Singaporeans = dead chickens, no? Of course not, we are especially nationalistic – proven by our one-media system! It’s about bread&-butter issues of getting the rice-pot filled, naturally!
In April (06), the pre-Elections season really reared its obvious head.
“Multi-party democracy is not the panacea for all ills” – went one headline. What that means is that in Singapore, it’s better to have one party
for all. The ‘miracle’ of Singapore is not that they’re so transparent about
it, it is that no one could really refute the argument. You dare argue?
Watch the verdict on SDP! Otherwise, argue just a little to show that we
do have discussion here in Singapore. Manufactured dissent, I believe,
is the popular term used.
I can just see it. In future, we will have a one-party government
(again), and when the need arises, it will even create an opposition (!),
and no one but no one will even think of calling it a farce. Now, that’s
Uniquely Singapore, indeed.
Who says it hasn’t already happened, my siow friend asks?
Jun, 06
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KARMA IN THE COSMOS: SINGAPORE GAGA
So fast and furious did the system here play itself for all its worth during the pre-elections season (April, early-May), I’m too over-boggled by
the shamelessness to even begin to comment. Some trivial matters, however, stuck in my head. The headline for Straits Times’ senior writer
Janadas Devan’s General Election piece on May 1, 06 – “Psst. No one’s
debating foreign policy.” My response to that is – why should they?
Singapore is their oyster. Doesn’t anybody know Singapore uber alles?
Okay, you feel it but never say it. That’s good enough for me. Narrow
perception for a nationalistic cause… why, that’s brilliant! Keep it up.
Opposition party leader Chee Soon Juan being sued by our two big
masters, for alleging that they are corrupt with regards to the National
Kidney Foundation (NKF)’s misuse of funds, is almost an electiongiven. But the printer, who printed the Singapore Democratic Party
newsletter for Chee, was also served a letter of ‘demand’! Scary? No
reason for paranoia in Singapore? I’ll try to kid myself better. Our PM
warned – “the political process is unfair”… Now, big guys playing dirty
is one thing, but how do politicians feel about being called petty?
As for the alleged corruption… .How can our masters be called corrupt when they reacted to investigate the misdeed? As for the national
watchdog (governing charity organizations like the NKF) being accountable….. The master already said “We should understand the circumstances the NKF worked under before we throw stones.” Can I just say
that for sure, whatever oversight/blunder the watchdog committed must
have been an ‘honest mistake’! Don’t stupid Singaporeans know that?
Why is Chee digging his own grave? He should understand that the
world is never fair but our government always is! (Even if truths be
halved, but that’s notwithstanding, of course!)
Miss Tan Sai Siong may righteously punch the air and say
“Accountability Is A Real Issue” in Today newspaper (May 2), but we
surely know there are many facets of accountability in Singapore (while
our PM may add, for that matter in the world). So, let’s not further halve
half-truths.
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“Dominant PAP is what makes S’pore succeed: PM” – the big
headline on ST, May 4. That is soooo true. Who better to think about
money, fame and power than Singapore’s ruling party like it’s done
these 40 years? Do we REALLY know any other dominant party
anyway? There’s only ONE choice when it comes right down to it,
and in more ways than one too! One-look, one-style, one-choice
nation, now and forever. Be not afraid to think it, simply fall in line.
Step(ford) right up! Wasn’t it Richard HELL who sang “I believe in the
BLANK generation”? Singaporeans “can take it or leave it” each time
too. They just throw their angst-heavy weight on each other, lor. I’m
truly loving the culture of it all. It goes hand in hand with my post-modern sense of individualistic beauty. One’s beauty can simply stand out by
not joining the hoi polloi-uglies all around. Keep it up, y’all. Make me
feel more beautiful BY THE DAY!
And then, just the day before the big GE, the ST big front-page headline was “PM refocuses poll on S’pore’s future” (May 5), with, of
course, a big pic of our PM meeting his supporters. Eh, it’s contest time,
leh, how come just focus on one contestant on front page, hah? Just
wondering, y’know, in that ‘Singapore Gaga’ way!
The PM also talked about ‘fixing’ the opposition and how problematic it is if the opposition number rises. Depending on whose side you’re
on, you can sure read into the use of the word ‘fix’. Methinks the James
Gomez issue is a distracting farce. This, I’ll say, real opposition always
gets sued. Grin-grin.
Not to my surprise and to my great delight, the ruling party PAP
emerged the winner again! My siow friend’s comment was: “With all
that press and TV hype on overdrive, but lip-service coverage on opposition parties, the PAP won only 66.6% of votes? I thought first class
must be 75% or higher? That’s what I was taught in school anyway.” I
did tell him not to nit-pick, cos in Singapore, there’s fairness and there’s
fairness. For three days from the polling day, the front-age headline of
the ST had something to do with ‘strong mandate’. It’s like a beautiful
mantra. Say it often enough, gee, we could all believe it! Strong at 66.6!
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What devilish strength!
Oh, that number of the beast. Rock on, Iron Maiden, or Danzig, or
whatever. Karma in the cosmos, already!
In that same day’s Life! Mailbag, a Dr. Gabriel Oon Chong Jin called
for our Board of Film Censors and the Media Development Authority to
seek the views of religious leaders before showing the movie The Da
Vinci Code, as the story apparently distorts Christian truths. Aiyah, ten
or even six years ago, Big Brother would have already banned the film
for us Singaporeans already, no need for you to say. But nowadays, we
have economically hip-&-funky issues to contend with, besides having
DVDs and the Internet! Of course, we are ever so cautious about religious issues but just think – a ban like this could set us back ten years in
being ‘open’ apart from, how shall we put it, the issue of being economically challenged. If we can tell the Lord to take a hike over the casino
issue (“it’s NOT a religious issue”), banning a mere Tom Hanks film is
a piece of cake. But surely, we have to deliberate about our, y’know,
‘global standing’ on such a ‘commercial’ project. What if the US freetrade pact thinks we’re narrow-minded about the film? Have you, Dr.
Oon, thought about such crucial modern Singapore issues?
Coming back to the post-election headlines… There was one that said
“Non-PAP voters ‘still pro-S’pore’ (the deputy PM said)” (ST, May 8).
It points out a general assumption that to be pro-Singapore, you have to
be pro-PAP. Fabulous. Keep it up. I so love it! Karma in the cosmos leaking.
Jul, 06
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CO-OPT CULTURE WORKING FULL-ON
A young doctor was jailed for possession of controlled substance after
undercover narcotic agents posing as gay good-timers on the Internet
chat-line lured him into have a drug-induced sex-orgy at a hotel. The day
after the news broke, The Straits Times issued a report, saying -“Lawyers say narcotic officers crossed the line in quest to nab offender,
but any method of entrapment is legal here” (Jun 9, ‘06). Fabulous.
Like I always say – the climate of fear in Singapore is very real, so let’s
have more of entrapment-culture to prove me right. I’ve said this before
and I’ll say it again, you should never have gay-sex with another
Singaporean. You never know if he/she is an entrapment-officer! You forgot? Gay sex is still illegal (not to mention oral sex even between consenting heteros, unless it’s between married couples). We may be more
tolerant of gays now but it’s just for economic reasons ONLY – the
pink dollar! Questionable national ethics? We don’t care! I love it!
Notice that recently, the Government pumped $1 million into an event
called POPagenda in June to foster the growth of S-pop – a niche it wishes to establish in relation to J-pop (Japanese pop) and T-pop (Thai pop).
So why do you think such an effort is undertaken to generate Singaporepop? Simple, Big Brother killed off the local music scene years ago,
therefore in this age of the empowering Internet, it’s time to make
amends. The same way He built a skate-park after He realized that trying
to ban skateboarding was useless. If you can’t beat them, nourish them!
So now, a hundred skate-parks in the heartlands to win over the young.
“Want to shoot your mouth off? Go down to Stomp” – was the big
Straits Times two-page feature on Jun 17. Stomp, by the way, stands for
Straits Times Online Mobile Print. The headline for the feature states that
Stomp has received more than 120,000 hits since its launch three days
before. It’s ST’s “groundbreaking portal to engage readers”. So, do our
dodo Singaporeans bother to ask – engage for what purpose? Reason –
we all know for what purpose, just that we can’t really mouth off on that
issue, can we! Co-opt, meh?
We all know that with the powerful phenomenon named blogging, Big
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Brother has to co-opt it, the same way it co-opts everything else that’s
come about autonomously from the public. From skateboarding to foam
parties to Mohammed Sultan club-life (look, He has DXO and Clark
Quay for you now! Poor dying Mohammed Sultan clubs) to… even me
for its pre-Election Progress Package! I’d turned down the interview for
the ST on the grounds that talking about what I’d do with my Package is
tacky, But seriously, I would have loved to say – read my X’ Ho Files for
what I have to say about the Package. But I jolly well know that the
(happy hostage) press here is king to Big Brother’s dowager-Queen for
me to be able to affect such a directive.
Coming back to Stomp… the ad for the UK percussion group with the
same name says: “Ideal for kids”. For a start, I suggest that the kids start
asking fundamental questions and don’t take any hackneyed explanation
for whatever-peace as acceptable reasons; like economic peace, for one.
Why are ALL forms of public media quasi or government-owned? Alas,
the kids don’t know any pertinent questions or how to pursue them.
That’s why we can afford to have Stomp. Methinks it means more like
stomping out any doubts about the establishment. Cool. Keep it that way.
Let’s get buried in sham. Think I’m being cynical and bitter? Against a
win-win unquestionable system… surely it’s more like intelligent
defence! If you can’t beat them, condescend to them.
On that same Saturday in Jun (17), there was a special seven-page
report in the ST about youth subcultures in Singapore titled Closet
Rebels. “They look as if they hail from freak city but these mavericks are
no misfits,” the report stated. Oh yah? Like they just happened in 2006?
These ‘tribes’ have been in Singapore for a long-long time, as far back as
the 1970s when the No Punk Hairdos poster hung in the Mediacorp TV’s
dressing room. Just that now Big Brother can no longer afford to alienate
the young at a time when Internet culture exposes much and empowers
many. And when He is in dire need to secure future leaders. So now, Big
Brother is forced to relinquish his intolerance and make it look like
He’s trying to convince you to be tolerant. You know what my siow
friend calls these pulp features? Shite. But I have a much better
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motto to appease the intelligent mind: Don’t get vexed, preserve the
infestation of sham, hypocrisy and ugliness. Let’s all spare the rod and
spoil the child, the same way the system does. A kiasu and mercenary culture of self-righteous entrapment surely calls for such a reaction. In fact,
you can never be too cynical here….
Take for instance the way sex sells local mags like Maxim and FHM
here these days (mind you, most of them are owned and published by our
nation’s own media arms Caldecott Publishing and Singapore Press
Holdings). It wasn’t that long ago (before the Internet revolution) when
models on the cover of mags sold here have to be decently covered up to
preserve Asian and family values. These values were dogmatically
upheld as the supreme virtue of a good, conservative society. So, now?
Now that Internet came along, Asian and family values conveniently take
a backseat, lor. Suddenly, no one’s complaining about those racy magazine covers, why hah? We all know the economic convenience behind the
picture, don’t we! Help preserve the shhh… I love the hypocrisy too.
On Today newspaper suspending ‘maverick’-blogger Mr.Brown’s column that criticized the government’s notion of national progress, my siow
friend said: Of course Big Brother wants to look like he’s censuring Mr.
Brown, how else can He get the dodo public to continue following Mr.
Brown’s vacuous blogs in Today! (The suspension must make Mr. Brown
look really radical to secure a higher readership following if and when his
column gets reinstated in Today). When it comes to ‘blogging’, the real
deal died with BigO’s e-line Update a while ago, when it went off-line
unexplained. Fact that no one bothered to ask any question about it or
could. Just goes to show BigO’s divine relevance in contrast to the publicity given to Mr. Brown’s. Yes, Mr. Brown, we’re helping you build a
better (contained) following! Better yet, consider him the new ‘Talking
Cock’. Any better at the game, and sweet little Mr. Brown will be writing
a regular column for the Sunday Times too!
Aug, ‘06
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ONG, BARK!
Big feature story in ST’s Life on Aug 10: The Phases Of Singapore
Theatre – There are now more companies and more productions, but
Singapore theatre is still stuck on old chestnuts like anti-government
policy rants and cultural clashes. Can the scene grow beyond that?” That
would be like me saying – there are now more new faces in the government but we are still stuck on the same OLD chestnuts calling the shots,
can the mandate move on and let some other party take over? Stupid for
me to say that, right? They don’t move on cos they matter! Enough said.
I lurve Hong Xinyi’s put-down of Eleanor Wong’s splendid play The
Campaign To Confer The Public Service Star On JBJ in her review ‘It’s
tedious being funny’ (ST, Aug 11). What she doesn’t know is that it’s
doubly tedious being a shameless careerist and happy-hostage to those
who can see the bigger picture of where one’s at. “In the first half of the
play,” she wrote, “ we are introduced to… the Association of Students
for Self-Expression (ASS). Many tedious jokes punning on the unfortunate acronym follow.” One can hardly blame Hong for being acutely
sensitized to the term ASS. What a motherload connection! With so
much credibility slipping from her ‘master-ful’ pen, I’m sure even her
masters will request she does a reverse pandering to the next play that
satirizes Singapore! Green light for cue now.
Sure enough on Aug 16, a ‘fierce’ debate ensued. Two ST writers –
Ong Sor Fern and Ong Soh Chin (not related but could well be corporate sisters-in-arms) – argued about the merits of the play, one for and
the other against. Guess who was for? Not that the for was all that forfor! What better way to confuse the public on a play that diabolically,
through the transcendent form of art, ‘confers’ the public service star on
JB Jeyaratnam, a man known in the political circle here as our Minister
Mentor’s nemesis. Where else can you witness a public gathering of 700
applauding the opposition leader when it was announced to the house
that he’s seated in the theatre on Aug 10?!! Scary.
The two Ongs’ debate is fabulous, shooting themselves in the foot
for sacrificing ST’s credibility in the process, cos the art-intelli-
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gentsia know exactly WHAT to think. The debate isn’t so much a
critique but another veiled authoritarian directive to indicate where
Big Brother’s stand on the play is. The scene with the police inspector is marvelously telling of Singapore’s opaque system, much-touted as transparent even by international standards. To the world –
transparent, back home – nudge-nudge, that’s the essence of the
scene. Don’t we know in our hearts, dear!
Clear case of national media’s thought manipulation: “Briton receives
stiff 24 years for killing two” was the big front-page headline on Jun 30.
Stiff? In a separate case – “Mohammad Zam was charged with culpable
homicide for which he could be jailed for life if convicted for killing his
wife” (ST, July 17). Why not give that Zam fella the stiff sentence of 24
years? Oh, he deserves the super-stiff sentence, I see. So, it was an official agreement that the Briton could only be extradited here for trial on
condition that he does not get the death penalty. A deal’s a deal. But why
call the sentence stiff when it’s anything but? Who cares? Exactly. I’m
not complaining, Who is? I love the apathy!
In the Home section of the ST July 22, the two big headlines on the
first page were: “Man fined twice for offence to get Land & Transport
Authority’s apology” and “Why judge reduced her jail term to probation”. Why hah? Let me guess, There’s been too much whispered talk
lately that the law is more lenient towards foreigners, especially after the
Briton’s sentence? So neh-neh-neh-neh-neh, don’t say we don’t give
chance to locals okay! My siow friend says everything in the papers sure
got agenda one. If you think otherwise, it’s because you’d rather not end
up feeling jerked around, that’s all. We well understand.
US filmmaker Spike Lee was quoted in ST, Aug 11: “What happened
in New Orleans was a criminal act…somebody needs to go to jail.”
That’s easy, send the suspects here to Singapore. We are mighty judicial
in sentencing and punishing, all in the name of global peace too.
Do you know there was a Shine festival for youths in Singapore two
months ago in July? Lots of leadership and creative expansion programs
in the fest and I also spotted in the festival’s pamphlet a forum titled
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‘Mentoring: Be Yourself, Make A Difference’. Honey, once again, can I
gesticulate big-big here and ask – what do you think I’m doing in the
X’Ho-Files?
On Jul 12, Catherine Lim mused in Today: “Singapore is mega and
supra/Technology’s bright upstart/Maybe it’s time to go for/Less head
and more heart.” Does the sweet, earnest poetess know she’s been used
like a campaign-dog to lick old wounds? In any case, you want heart?
You got it. This is Singapore. We’ve got whatever it takes! Redundant
musing is surely a sign of subjugated pawns ass-tailing a campaign-rut.
Same goes for Ongs that bark.
Lap-dog, fetch!
Sept, ‘06
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LEMBU CUCUK HIDUNG
“Muslim community acts to curb teenage sex” – front-page headline of
The Straits Times on July 31, 06. Eh… none of the racy local magazines
flashing tits and ass these days is deemed a bad influence ANYMORE?
You mean we’ve grown more intelligent or (favorite word these days –)
tolerant now, the same way that our Minister Mentor admitted to being
dim-witted once? Oh, of course, it has all to do with convenience and
naught to do with that hugely trumpeted ‘conservative society’ capper
anymore. Licensing casinos when Big Brother wants to do so is NOT a
religious issue. Gambling has zilch to do with religious ethics now! Do
you know that some local business enterprise has to get approval from
the Buddhist federation in Singapore (and it’s still trying to at time of
writing) to open a club called Buddha Bar? Imagine if Big Brother wants
to open a Buddha Bar! “Rise in sex infections hastens need to educate
the young” – was the big headline in the ST on Aug 17. No need to curb
racy magazine flashing tits and ass now, and not least to oppose the lowering of audience-age at the Crazy Horse nude revue (open to 18 and
above now instead of 21 and above). Besides, no one’s arguing. Sweet.
“Tokyo’s subway has refused permission for an advertising poster
featuring a nude, pregnant Britney Spears on the cover of Harper’s
Bazaare, branding it too stimulating for young people” – The ST reported on Aug 25 (that permission has since been granted). Do you think we
will have problem with such a poster these days? Of course not. We are
now hip & funky to reach out to the global community and TO THE
YOUNG OF OUR NATION! Conservative society upholders, hush now.
Yours is not the voice we want to hear at the moment. But not long ago,
we might have looked to Harpers Bazaare for a scapegoat to solve the
teenage sex problem WITH DOGMATIC FURORE. I saw the whole
idiocy of it all back then! However now, “Netting the young is Govt’s
challenge” (Today, Aug 21), so spare the rod and spoil the child, my
dear. Pressing national agendas are more important than yesterday’s
moral issues. Right on, Big Brother. I hear you, I hear you.
Which foreigner can tell the extent of the triple-quadruple standards
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here? One reads that the death-metal band Slayer has been granted permission to play a concert here on the 13th, in spite of the fact that the
band’s latest album is titled Christ Illusion. There was a time when such
a band and title would be deemed unfavorable and offensive in a CONSERVATIVE society of Asian family values. What happened to such a
society and to the grand dogma of the Asian values now? Well, let me
tell you (the foreigner), it’s all to do with the Internet and the new turn
of events to win over the young DESPERATELY. So much for Asian
family values being the moral fiber of our society, as was strongly
decreed with sanctimonious authority… yesterday!
Those who think I’m illusory in saying that the system here discriminates against our own kind, let me say this. Can you imagine a
local band titling its album Christ Illusion? Well, we know that
would be sheer hell for the local band. Why, then, do we grant permission to a foreign one to woo audiences on these shores with such
a title? (Correct at time of writing; I have no doubt that my desktop is
being monitored by Big Brother since I use a cable modem. So if permission for Slayer is denied later, we know why!)
By the way, has anyone noticed the telling fact that there isn’t a
single local music magazine in Singapore? (There used to be one,
poor BigO!) Is there any industrialized country out there, whose
official business-language is English and with a so-called thriving
English music scene, but does not publish its own music magazine?
Considering that the Singapore Press Holdings alone publishes over
80 titles every month and not one is an English music magazine, that
says a lot. (Caldecott Publishing’s Lime is a teenybopper publication
and that’s where the state of our local English music scene has been
reduced to!) Not viable anymore? Why is that so? Now that’s a real
question to ask on the Net to get to the source of the why our local
English music scene has been dead since 1969!
Someone wrote in to the ST Forum page on Jul 22 saying: “The
Singaporean lifestyle is renowned internationally by a singular word –
rush. That is the crux of the problem (when it comes to motivation). Our
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yardstick of measurement is efficiency.” Problem? Without the efficiency, or rushed efficiency, we would not be an economic wonder of the
world and be touted within someone’s lifetime too! So, why is that a
problem? Do I sound like the national press?
“We’re suing Govt.” – was the big front-page headline in The New
Paper on Aug 1, with regards to some local boys sustaining injury from
tripping over wired cable at a govt. chalet. In Singapore, suing the govt.
is so-not a common occurrence. Why no mention of this ‘big shocking
news’ in The Straits Times? Cos ST is the ‘serious’ national daily, true
farce should be left to the tabloid. And we all know that Singaporeans
suing the Singapore govt. is, at best, a real farce. (Don’t worry, there’ll
be exceptions… to prove a new point.) My siow friend, in response to
the ‘shocking’ New Paper headline, muses – lembu cucuk hidung (cow
jerked around by its nose-ring, in Malay). No wonder, in Singapore, we
cucuk each other, lor.
In the National Day supplement of The Straits Times, Chua Mui
Hoong had an essay with the bold headline Singaporean By Birth &
Choice: “We sit in groups trashing Singapore and the ubiquitous, mysterious thing called ‘the system’. We say ‘They’ should do this or that…
Have you ever come across anyone who admits to being part of Them?
I haven’t.” Of course, you haven’t, dear. Admitting to someone like you?
One must be on a career or social suicide! As for admitting to being part
of Them… Who dares? Orwell’s 1984 is still smiling with a sideways
leer, Big Brother-style with nation-building rotan in hand. But this I’ll
say, Ms. Chua certainly deserves to be on Big Brother’s payroll ‘til her
dying day.
By the way, do they actually die… these system-sycophants?
Oct, ‘06
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YA-YA-PAPAYA POLITE!
It was finally ascertained on Jun 21, ’06 (The Straits Times) that we have
lousy manners. In a Reader’s Digest courtesy test, Singapore ranked
no.30 in a list of 35 cities. However, two days later, an entertainment
story in ST stated that “Singaporeans may have scored an ‘F’ for courtesy in a Reader’s Digest poll, but Bollywood star Priyanka Chopra still
finds people here hospitable and well-mannered”. Perhaps now you
understand why I always bring up the saying ‘drop on the floor must
pick up sand’ when talking about Singapore. Defensive, win-win, selfaggrandizing, shameless… I think you know the score.
Keep up the self-denial, Singapore. Speaks for itself that our country’s ‘Courtesy is our way of life’ campaign is (shh!) perpetually ONGOING! Of course, it says much about the education system too, especially with all the current talk about improving language skills. Still, we
happily pick up sand like our lifeline depended on it, completely oblivious to looking like we’ve shot ourselves in the foot. Lord knows, our
lifeline does depend on all that self-denial morale boosting. For that’s
the secret of Singapore’s success at maintaining national peace. Alfian
Sa’at, the poet, let’s hear it one more time – “mouthless fish”! And
‘Home… sick’!
Coming back to the all-important issue of global stats, we also ranked
#132 in the Happy Planet Index compiled by the New Economics
Foundation (read: Singaporeans are generally quite unhappy). Some
retired schoolteacher wrote to Today saying “Singaporeans love to shoot
themselves in the foot…The culture of complaining appears to be tattooed in our subconscious” (Jul 17). Let’s not wonder why that subconscious came about. As usual, never mind the cause, listen to what the
national press decrees. So much for a thinking retiree voice!
Now that lousy courtesy is way beyond a national ‘cover-up’, even
once-dishonored writer Catherine Lim mused in Today: “We grouse
about our culture’s stinks/We write in to fume and foam/I confess to a
cheerful tolerance/After all, they are the stinks of home” (Jul 5). So,
where did she get that ‘cheerful tolerance’? Donch we know. Big
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Brother can’t afford to be intolerant anymore. The Internet has empowered the people now. Poor thing, conceding to such a lowly thing as
tolerance when the mighty hand used to wield nation-building iron
blows. Again, donch worry, the happy-hostage press will nail just
the right defence for the tactical turnaround. Dying chicken always
yanks at the rice-cooker lid. (Apt Cantonese saying, that!)
“Don’t mess with royalty when in Malaysia” was the heading of a letter to the ST Forum on Jun 20. The Singaporean Malay wrote: “I had
walked to the carpark (in Malacca) to collect my car and my mother, sister and children were waiting at the resort’s lobby porch when a car sped
along the porch and nearly hit two of the children. My mother gestured
at the driver to indicate that he should not be speeding. The driver
jammed the brakes, got out of the car and shoved my mother, causing her
to lose her balance… The driver called my mother uncivilized and said
that while in Malaysia, Singaporeans must also respect the royal family,
to which he claimed to belong.”
First of all, we shall assume that the letter writer’s kids are exceptionally well behaved. So, are we to assume that the royalty-member mentioned is either a loony or a greater yaya-papaya than most
Singaporeans? To me, chances are – the royal member was ticked off by
some other Singaporeans’ bad behavior to act so impetuously? In any
case, going by Singapore’s favorite perspective – it’s all about the direct
provocation stance and not about the cause – isn’t the royal member justified for reprimanding that poor old mother, after all, she did gesticulate! Oh, I see, as Singaporeans, we should always go with the me-allgood-no-bad approach. Of course, dear!
Here’s something else that’s kinda similar. A first year social science
student at the Singapore Management University wrote in to Today on
Jun 2 to say that while in a bus she spotted “a sight” she is “not likely to
forget”. “A sturdy young Singaporean was slamming the head of a foreign worker against the window of the bus. Clearly not able to speak
English, the foreign worker could only hold up his hands and shake his
head. The Singaporean, further offended by this gesture, kicked him in
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the face.” The Singaporean and the victim were apparently strangers to
each other.
So, once again, we are to assume that the Singaporean was a loony?
I can guess what happened. The foreign worker probably scowled at the
Singaporean! And we know where he had learned that kind of behavior!
I’ve seen it myself. Well, blue-collar low-income workers may not know
any better, but we, such divinely educated privileged Singaporeans… we
are the REAL perpetrators of bad behavior. But-but…we are all yaya
good… (excused) for the good of nation-building morale. Besides, let’s
not open that big Pandora’s Box on the entire education system, yah? Ya.
On Aug 13, someone wrote in to The Sunday Times pointing out that
a young “Couple acted like gangsters”. The complainant was shopping
in a video store when “a young couple – in their late teens or early 20s
– walked in and blocked my view. I waited for them to finish. But realizing they were not going to move, I said: ‘Excuse me, I was looking at
the shelf and you are blocking me.’ Instead of apologizing or moving
aside, I was greeted by hostile stares from them. The young man even
walked up to me in a threatening way and said, at least five times: ‘Yah,
so what are you gonna do about it?’ I replied: ‘Are you trying to be
funny?’ He moved even closer and said: ‘I am trying to be funny, what
are you going to do about it?’ Then, the young woman joined in…”
Perhaps now, you understand why my new personal motto is:
Don’t get vexed, preserve the infestation of ugly Singapore behavior.
I don’t think Big Brother feels the least bit responsible or that we, as
a nation, acknowledge bad and hostile behavior as a norm (please
remember the above refutation by the national press that we are “hospitable and well-mannered”).
A not-so-siow friend of mine says that the Government must feel very
conflicted now, the way it wants to move with the times but is so scared
of breaking away from its proven model of authoritarian governance. It
helps that this pal is reading A Mandarin & The Making Of Public
Policy, Reflections By Ngiam Tong Dau, authored by Simon S.C. Tay;
wherein a retired civil servant isn’t quite so afraid to speak his mind,
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unlike the code-of-ethics–abiding eunuchs of the national press. The latter, like most other public servants, are often operating on a bum-covering and defensive auto-pilot mode while talking about and supposedly
affecting this and that way of improving Singapore.
Much good that does, these ya-ya-yah yes-men made eunuchs by their
bread-&-butter needs and a social system long gone to pots. As in – ricecooking pots with dead chicks yanking at the lid, no less. While the rest
of us simply look around for the next yah to follow so as not to lose our
balls to the all-consuming despot cooking some new economic-survival
mash.
Let’s pretend, like the happy-hostage press here, that we’ll never think
of it as mess.
Nov, ‘06
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THE BEST SYSTEM THAT WORKS!
In the report Scent Of An Artist, The Straits Times’ art correspondent
Clara Chow stated on Sept 8, 06: “Singaporean artist Lim Tzay Chuen
sprayed City Hall with pheromones, which cost $153 a bottle (for his latest conceptual-art presentation The Opposite Is True #2)… (He) has a
reputation for making ‘invisible works’. Last year, he earned some public ire for his proposal to move the Merlion to Venice for the world’s oldest visual art Biennale. (His works) are the sort that will make people sit
up and cry foul over the misuse of public funds, or have them feeling
like he has insulted their intelligence.” (To substantiate the point, a couple of ‘street critics’ were quoted, dismissing the work as “silly” and not
attractive enough to arouse interest.)
Of course, we, the intelligent ones, know that the opposite is true!
The very point of Lim’s artistic statement. But then, we can’t blame the
ST for that critique, can we? After all, everything is about funds and
money in Singapore, even (if not especially) art. Much as Chow also
stated that “Lim’s conceptual pieces seem like mischievous pranks on
the various government bodies, institutions, curators who champion him
so seriously and earnestly”.
Isn’t it just so Singapore that when one criticizes the
system/establishment, even through art, that it’s always put down as
tiresome or merely a ‘prank’! It does send out the clear message that
Singapore does not and will not tolerate criticism, especially when
done from a ‘serious’ platform that wants to reach an audience.
Goes to show, I’ve been right all along – Me All Good No Bad (title of
my spoken-word CD). It’s all about being as narrow-minded as kiasu
dictates. And still we trumpet ourselves as being an art supporter and an
arts hub. No shame. How on earth did we leave out the part that art questions and provokes? Maybe we should really formulate a code of
Singapore art ethics and shamelessly declare that as uniquely
Singaporean. It’s about money, y’know!
Lim’s use of pheromones – “which purports to enhance sex appeal”
– in his piece The Opposite Is True #2, inundating City Hall with its
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fumes, is pretty pointed a concept; especially if one understands the cultural desperation of Singapore. Fogging the City Hall for it to embody
sex appeal… Hello! Of course, none of this was discussed as the layered
concept of Lim’s work, apart from it being a prank. I get it! Real good
national artists don’t satirize the system! Unless you don’t mind
being panned by the national press, as in the case as well of Eleanor
Wong’s impressively satirical play The Campaign To Confer The
Public Service Star on JBJ.
So nod on…to greater self-denial or self-censoring ‘mouthless fish’
-veneer to better secure your careering future. All for the good of nationbuilding, and economic peace too, we mustn’t forget! Btw, this is not an
attack on Ms. Chow, though some have taken to calling folks like her
‘eunuchs’. Lord knows she, too, has bread-&-butter issues like we all
do!
During the International Monetary Fund and World Bank meetings in
Singapore in September, “three young Singaporeans have been questioned by the police over a mass e-mail telling people how to stage legal
protests” (ST, Sept 15). Am glad the newspaper made clear the ‘legal’
description. Legal but still questioned by police… and they still dare
pronounce loud-loud that there’s no paranoia in Singapore! Donch
worry, Singaporeans dunno how to put two-and-two together, one.
One of the three questioned was 21 year-old student Seelan Palay,
who hosted a website posting pictures of supporters who believe in lending their ‘400 frowns’ (instead of smiles) to the global cause of the IMF
meetings. Yours truly did offer an exciting new pic for Palay’s Net page
in the spirit of our nation’s media-whores-in-Follywood ways, sticking
out for a shameless flash. Of course, if you ever get to hear about it in
the national press about my ‘pic-contribution’, you’ll, no doubt, get a
‘toned-down-for-Follywood’ version of my intention. “Police also
seized personal computers from their homes” – the report stated. Please
repeat after me (as I proudly parrot them) – No paranoia in Singapore!
On that same day, ST’s senior writer Andy Ho was rhapsodizing about
“Jazzing up a Singapore tune” and how “self-expression leads to a
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unity”; he, by the way, is not a music-writer, so you understand the
metaphors intended. In relation to police seizing personal computers of
those self-expressing legally, I’d say – I hear not just Andy Ho’s rhapsody (I truly do of his noble intention) but a bigger SYMPHONY!
Donch worry, that will never scramble to show the word FARCE in
Singapore. Cos we’re unique!
“Singapore must preserve its system of govt: Minister Mentor (MM)”
– the big ST headline on Sept 16. It elaborated: “His ambition is not to
preserve PAP (-the ruling party), he says, but to keep a system that
works.” Well now, in the spirit of creative thinking (much vaunted nowadays), let me propose that we appoint opposition-leader JB Jeyaratnam
or Chee Soon Juan with their new cabinet to govern Singapore BUT
based on the same system of governance formulated WITHOUT
CHANGING A THING. Think about it, there’s no way it won’t work! A
system of governance is never political-party-biased, right? Please don’t
think me preposterous, I am simply going by the MM’s rationale as he
insists that it’s not about preserving his ruling party’s stronghold.
Besides, I am also conceding to a system that works! C’mon,
Singaporeans, be dynamic, spread the word.
On that same day in the ST, “EU to limit liquids in hand luggage” –
came the report from Brussels. This is to ensure better vigilance over terrorists’ attempts to blow up planes using liquid explosives. Now, considering the world is always praising Singapore and wanting to emulate our
success (an impression I get from the local press), let me propose the following.
All passengers on whatever international flights from wherever and
allover will now have to do their part, like a Neighborhood Watch
scheme, to check his immediate passenger whenever the latter leaves his
seat for whatever. Failing to do so will render him liable for prosecution
for failing to keep a safe lookout. Hello, we are talking about the lives
of 200 passengers (or more) at stake! Punishment would include rendering the person’s citizenship void. So, in the event that he dies during a
terrorist’s strike, the State (- his country) will seize all of his estate and
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property. Never mind that he may leave behind a handicapped widow
and six children or he’s just a swinging bachelor with 2,000 CDs. If that
means segregating the passengers to sit according to gender to prevent
molestation during mutual checking, so be it. No organizational means
is too complex to safeguard MAXIMUM CONTROL over the issue of
peace. If a new set of ethics be assigned to the passengers’ system of
checking between each other and traveling, let it be activated. What are
laws for?
C’mon, internationalists, you’ve always wanted to know how
Singapore works, now’s the time to put paid the wonder to good global
use and, more importantly, for the good of ALL – the Uniquely
Singapore way!
Dec, ‘06
X’Ho
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POO...POO...POOR ART CRITICS
You think I’m being ‘fanatical’ in my critique of Singapore? It ain’t
nothing compared to the kind of rightist-extremists that exist on the isle,
seemingly on the whim of a national agenda. You should hear what one
said, writing to The Straits Times’ Forum on Set 19, ’06 to say that CSOs
(Civil Society Organizations) boycotting the IMF meetings was a ‘bad
move’. He wrote: “The Singapore Government is accountable to us, the
Singapore people, who elected it democratically, into political office,
repeatedly I must add, with overwhelming support.” He is talking about
a support that translated itself to be 66.6% of votes scored by the Govt.
at the last election. Considering the kind of progress that Singapore had
packaged, I personally consider the figure rather under-whelming. But
alas, it’s a figure to be super respected. Who dares speak ill of the number of the beast? Not I. Which is why I go on trumpeting it as a cause for
celebration. And I have the next four years or so to go on with it ‘til the
next General Election. What say you – the chances of the ruling party regaining that same percentage with the same utmost transparency of nonadjustment to percentage-points? I have utter confidence in Singapore in
that respect!
Considering that the system here has dug its own grave to face with
the dire need for future leaders now, the Sunday Times headline on Sept
24: “Govt. opening up, step by step” sure sounds like a description of the
way the ground six feet under is reacting.
Theatre-critic Hong Xinyi of the ST (she had apparently incurred the
wrath of Theatreworks’ Ong Keng Sen so much, he tried to have her
barred, albeit unsuccessfully, at his Diaspora production at the
Esplanade last Sept) had this to say about The Necessary Stage’s
Fundamentally Happy. “The character of Habiba is possibly one of the
most interesting female characters to have graced a local play in quite a
while. She begins as a comfortable cliché, the maternal fusspot.
Gradually, she is revealed as a creature of ambivalence, the architect and
resolute resident of her own fool’s paradise” (ST, Sept 26). Sounds to me
like any old fool’s affinity towards this paradise here…. Yes, I’m saying
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Hong is spot-on! This is not an attack on her critique. Pur-lese.
On Oct 5, Straits Times’ Life! ran a piece about the perils of being a
local art critic. Well, we certainly know why. “A British art critic
recounted how he was sent a bag of poo once. While being an arts critic in Singapore isn’t quite so odious, there are perils to the job” – it
pointed out. Let me say something about the real peril that an ST art critic (or any ST writer) faces – something that all thinking Singaporeans
kinda know but will never be exposed in the national press. When it
comes to EVEN art critique, one critical comment that appears to
‘undermine’ the positive image of the Singapore system and he or she
will be getting something worse than a bag of poo. Let’s not breathe that
‘touchy’ word MARGINALIZED for now, yeah? Besides, what makes
you think that any Singaporean sending a bag of poo to an art critic can
get away from police investigation? Well, go on, eat your own shit and
believe that the scene here in Singapore is just like London – dynamic
and provocative in nature.
So much for all the facile comparisons we’re so fond of making in
the press with half-truths tugged away left, right and center. No, I’m not
saying what Clara Chow wrote in her essay about the perils of being an
art critic is a lie. But like most of everything else about Singapore, it’s
always only half the picture. The me-all-good-no-bad one, of course.
While the rest of us ‘stayers’ sure understand the innings that nobody but
nobody can really talk about in our small-minded but always of ‘global
standing’ isle. Poo…poo…poor art critics, more chow (-smelly) than
you can ever imagine! And pur-lese don’t choke on that, we’re really,
uniquely very proud of ourselves.
A design consultant, who gave a talk in Bangkok, revealed that when
he was in Singapore, a certain official asked him what legislation should
be affected in order to encourage creativity. Telling. Law-by-law is, after
all, the law of Singapore. Be it about creativity, humanities or courtesy.
Now you understand why we’re walking ‘robots’, or such mindless digits.
Newest sharp sub-text in a Singapore-film about Singapore is in
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Singapore Dreaming (directed by Colin Goh and his missus Woo Yen
Yen, and co-produced by Woffles ‘Woff Dog’ Wu). A newly widowed
Mrs Loh (played by the wonderful Alice Lim) reflects aloud on times
passed and choices made. She said: “I was a young girl from Muar,
Johor and I wanted to be a singer. Then, I met Ah Huat (the husband), he
had a handsome Elvis haircut. He took me out dancing and promised me
he’d take care of me for the rest of my life. I gave up my dream to be a
singer and married him on that promise” (not exact words). Tell me if
that’s not exactly how the Singapore Dream has been co-opted.
The said husband in the film, by the way, dies from a heart-attack outside a country club he aspired to be a member of after winning a $2 million lottery, and he’d cheated on his wife by fathering a child with a mistress. Think of our paternalistic system and its promise to look after
Singaporeans and you’ll have no wonder where individual dreams went
and how ‘bastards’ are made. It’s good too that the TV-soap-opera-looking film won the Mont Blanc Award for Best New Screenwriter (for Goh
and Woo) at the San Sebastian Film Festival. Maybe the Spanish do
understand Singapore more than the local papers would allow us inkling
of. Kudos too to Goh and Woo for adding to the 5Cs (cash, car, credit
card, condo and country club) of our so-called Singapore Dream a sixth:
coffin. After all, the way some go about their wealth, it’s as if the coffin
accords them the means to lug it all to the next life! And you know, in
powerful Singapore, perhaps that kind of power does exist for the special elite!
Actor coming clean, Mel Gibson, on his drink driving arrest last July,
said: “I can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.” Well, when it comes
to the paste, Singapore can, not only put it back in the tube, but even
make the replenished tube look brand new too. I’m making this up? It
wasn’t me who came up with the national catch-line Uniquely
Singapore, you know. They must dare for good reasons too. All tubes
under full control, no less.
Jan, ‘07
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© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #10
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #11
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #12
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #13
PART THREE
INTERVIEWS
“Small-minded people see the image and just decide
that they’re going to be biased against it. They want to
label us so they can understand us.”
- Corey Taylor aka #8 of Slipknot
X’Ho
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RAGE AGAINST THE MATRIX
An interview with X’Ho, by Low Lai Chow in 2004
1. You’re both a music critic and a musician. Which would you term
yourself foremost? How do you reconcile your myriad of occupations: music critic, deejay, columnist or social-conscious (or ‘scorncious’) right-thinking citizen of the state? What position do you have
printed on your name-card, and what is the ideal occupational position you would have like to have stated on the card?
Wow, a 4-in-1 question! Let’s see. Firstly, there’s Chris Ho (the columnist & DJ) and there’s X’Ho (the musician, author). Singaporean columnists have to be painfully PC (politically correct) and polite, hence the
slicing-off of my own schizo-identity for the (excusable) bread-&-butter
cause. Reconciling is easy in Singapore. Just think of the State’s endless
justifications of set agendas (not that it has to!). So I’ve learned well. As
for name-card, there’s only the Chris Ho name-card, which says DJ/popcolumnist. An ideal title for circulation in Singapore would be ‘decent
human practitioner’. That should stand out from the crowd instantly. Not
that anyone would believe it, especially here, nor see the relevance.
2. How much do you roughly earn a year? Are you overpaid or
underpaid? How much do you think you deserve to earn?
What a terribly private question. Just take it that since there isn’t another X’Ho around, being one is simply not lucrative enough, especially in
Singapore. (It’s all about Singapore, isn’t it? Isn’t it just so!)
3. Five years ago you described yourself as “a marshmallow hiding
under a rock ‘n‘ roll façade.” Is that how you would describe yourself still today? What would you currently describe yourself like?
Still the same at the root-core. But my Singapore-shell has toughened
like hi-grade fibre-glass. I can still break but what an expensive damage
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that would be!
4. What are some of the most damning misconceptions about you
that you’ve had to grapple with as a public figure?
That I’m a vain and bitter anti-social misfit. That working with me is like
walking on glass. And that I watch TV.
5. You’re vocal and not afraid to take to heed and chastise behavior
or things that sit out of place with you. Being a Buddhist, aren’t you
supposed to have a more detached outlook on societal ludicrousness? Or is this already as balanced as it gets?
If we get all Buddhist about Singapore in the way you wager, we may as
well play sacrificial lamb to the slaughter with no regard for the value of
life or dignity. (Don’t forget, we’re constantly asked – Are you ready to
die for your country?) Now, how Buddhist is that? I should think that
Buddhism highly advocates human dignity which, in my opinion,
Singaporeans have little of. I have to admit it’s not a terribly balanced
view. But then, Singapore does not deserve balanced from me.
6. In 1994 you officially changed your name to X’Ho simply because
it looked better. Has anyone ever commented that it sounded sci-fi,
wannabe, or termed you a poseur? Are you secretly (or not so secretly) a poseur?
You got it a little wrong. I may have conveniently explained it as that,
but check answer to question #1 above for the reason. The professional
dichotomy is most important for a small-minded place like Singapore. It
works for me because I’m way good at justifying on a win-win level. But
look what happened to Suzanne Walker (the radio DJ) even though I’ve
christened her Sue-Sue Law as a singer in my band. She used to do a lot
of voice-over work for MTV. Right after that ‘media whore’ stunt she
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pulled, even as Sue-Sue Law, at the MTV Asia Awards, she was dropped
from the MTV payroll. What has the stunt anything to do with her VOtalent, which isn’t even identified on air? That’s how positively condescending business-enterprises in Singapore are towards our Master. The
(veiled) iron-hand is terrifying, to say the least.
7. You throw so many brickbats at society, it almost feels, deceptively, like you do nothing else. What do you do in your free time when
you’re not grousing about the world in general?
I’m always busy having a life. And that does not have to comply with
the Singapore standard that you are married to a job, have a family and
be a visible contributor to society. BTW, I never gripe about the world.
I’m quite accepting of its shortcomings. But Singapore… don’t forget,
it’s Uniquely Singapore! She’s asked for the exception herself.
8. What is a typical day in your life like?
Eat, shit, work, play, romance, fuck, intellectualize, sleep.
9. 5 things that people don’t usually know about X’Ho..
1. Often, I’m too kind and compassionate for my own good.
2. If I were made of lesser mettle, I’d have perished a long time ago,
given the kind of emotionally-deficit environment I grew up in as a
child.
3. I’m much-much older than I should be for Singapore to grant me the
right to persist in my work.
4. My dismissal of most Singaporeans and their presence in public is
probably misconstrued as snooty behavior when it’s really sheer disgust.
5. I enjoy being (and looking) ridiculous. Look around you. If that’s
sane, I don’t want no part of it!
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10. You’ve told ST that while your ex-band “Zircon Lounge was
about love and romance. Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz is not.” Listening
to ZGPS, one gets the impression that you’re taking the mickey out
of everything and having a hoot in general. How come — isn’t it supposed to be the other way — mellow, misty and wistful when you’re
old while you rage, punk out and poke fun when you’re young?
So you’re calling me old? I see myself as simply older and wiser. Some
people do things in reverse. Perhaps I’m one of them. BTW, I’m terribly
misty even now, not that I care to show it anymore.
11. Would you call yourself an idealist, or realist, or both? Why?
More an idealist, I’ll admit. But being very Cantonese and Singaporean
in more ways than I love to admit, I’m also a well-nurtured realist in that
I’m quite careful and hardly reckless.
12. Do you subscribe (or used to subscribe) to the usual rock and roll
clichés like smashing guitars, hotel rooms, bad behavior and obsessions with sex, alcohol and drugs? Do you have a thing for leather?
Cliches are there for a real reason. 15 years ago, if I had the chance I
might’ve smashed up the Hyatt and the Raffles. But I do loathe the big
A for attitude in rock’n roll. See, there’s not supposed to be one. Sadly,
the kids still don’t know! Did you know that back in the 1920s, alcohol
was outlawed in America? So, imagine how recreational drugs will be
viewed half a century from now. The UK has already decriminalized
cannabis. Do read William Burroughs to understand why drug prohibition is really all about ignorance and compounding State-control. Of
course drugs are a problem when people are poorly educated. Same goes
for the need for censorship. Yes, I have a slight thing for leather, but not
as much as for pawn starzzzz. I really do it for my country, you know!
X’Ho
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13. You have the tortured predicament of an artist misunderstood,
the outsider in Singapore society. In your first book ‘Skew Me, You
Rebel, Meh? you revealed how you would pack up for Thailand but
you choose to stay here despite being let down by “the system”. And
you also had a track on your spoken-word CD - X’ With An X: Me
All Good No Bad reading Alfian Sa'at's Singapore You Are Not My
Country. Is Singapore really that terrible a place? Has it improved?
What is it about Singapore that’s worth fighting for?
Terrible? Why call it terrible when it can be deemed lucrative, successful or enviable? Of course, it has improved. It can’t afford not to (thank
god for the Internet and the dire need for successors in our local political arena!). But 30 years of a screwed-up education system is still 30
years of screwed-up education whose effects we have to put up with
even now. Anyhow, I don’t see myself as tortured. I realize I’m the one
who can see better than the ones who consider me tortured. To be honest, there’s much in our short little cultural heritage that’s worth ‘fighting for’, but already, our authorities are way too insecure about it for me
to care. It’s like… do you still wanna reach out to me given the shameless big chip on my shoulder about Singapore? So, understand where
I’m coming from.
14. In an article for 8 Days you declared that out of the three members of the ZGPS riot gang, you “wear the most makeup, because I
have to.” Has anyone ever called you a lau hiao (old vain-pot) to
your face? How did you (or would you) react?
See answer to question #9. I love it when they laugh in my face. I delight
in irony. I’m ‘leather face’ in that sense. I always have the last laugh (and
that’s why I need more make-up!).
15. You’ve ranted about “innocent digits” who disgust you with their
uncouth mannerisms like spitting and staring. At the same time you
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muse aloud about people finger-wagging you for having one tattoo
too many. Isn’t that double standards?
Eh… missing you there a bit. You see, I don’t take offence when folks
‘finger-wag’ me about my tattoos. I only do when they stare with scorn
and scowl. Who likes that kind of uncivilized behavior? Do you? You
don’t see it as staring and scowling? See, there are many things
Singaporeans just don’t see, especially the demeanor of their own
repressed selves.
16. You created quite a bit of a controversy last year when you tattooed your penis for a documentary shot by Zai Kuning. How many
tattoos do you actually have? Why did you decide to tattoo your
penis? Why did you agree to having footage filmed for the documentary? What does the tattoo actually say? Are you an exhibitionist or
plead a vehement ”NO”?
It’s my personal statement to tell all Singaporeans – I’m not interested
in a potential physical intimacy with you, so that’s why I chucked the
sexual mystery out the window with that expose. Also, to say in artifact
that I’m not at all a conventional Singaporean, nor should I be judged as
one, should the occasion arise. As for what the tattoo is, that’s privileged
information, cos it’s in Thai!
17. Not surprisingly the documentary went through censorship
snips. Censorship — another favourite topic of your gripes. Is the
situation getting better, you think? Have you ever self-censored
yourself?
All the time. Cos, proudly, I know my OB (out-of-bound) –markers. Yes,
censorship has improved somewhat. But only somewhat. Again, thank
god for the Internet. Actually, self-censorship is so well ingrained in our
society, we can now afford to ‘open up’ without fear of much dissidence.
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Why do you think BigO has (self-)terminated its own e-mailer on the
‘Net? (See Oct 04 X’Ho-Files). There is no official reason known, which
says a lot. A lot more than you’d care to ask.
18. You feel for foreign workers, live in the heartland (you still do,
right?) and seem to empathise with the ordinary man without the
PR presidential air of a charismatic politician. And you once brandished Eric Khoo’s 12 Storeys as an R(A) version of Under One
Roof. Then again, do you think the music you make is too eclectic
for the ordinary man? Or should we give more credit to the ordinary man on the streets to be more discerning than we assume and
look beyond the “lowest common denominator” eye-viewer?
Eh, you forget I once recorded Sunburn. I’m at most an intellectual snob
not an aesthete-snob. I delight in being ridiculous and in (good) bad
taste. The ordinary man in Singapore watches channel 8 & 5 and
Singapore Idol. I don’t. ‘Nuff said. I’m not into any kind of heartlandfever and I’m willing to forego whatever perks it grants, be it fame, fortune or security.
19. Suzanne Walker as Sue Sue Law flashed (part of) her boobs on
the red carpet at the MTV awards earlier this year to the delight of
trigger-happy photographers. Apparently she has told the press that
the original plan was for you to flash the crowd or have her perform
her boob stunt. You pulled out of it though the intention was there.
Why did you not go for it? Was ZGPS trying to prove a point on the
red carpet there and then or was it just a publicity gimmick, or
both?
Me flash a crowd like that when I’m not Robbie Williams? You underestimate my OB-marked wiles. I never entertained the thought of it, I
assure you. Why bother when I can do it legit via Zai Kuning! No one
seems to believe it, but I didn’t prompt Sue to do what she did, though I
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did caution her on OB-markers. In this (disgusting) age of Paris Hilton,
you have to agree, Sue’s stunt at MTV worked and was most poignant a
Zircon statement. But did the ‘ordinary man on the street’ understand
that?
20. Nick Cave once said “I don't think I could carry on if I thought
the records were getting worse. And I don't know what else I would
do if I didn't do this. Grow tomatoes?" Does this sound like something you might have said yourself? Would you ever find yourself
running out of sound, fury and steam? Do you have a legitimate
artistic fear of losing your finger on making good records?
I don’t much care about making good records cos I don’t feel like a
‘legit’ recording artist in these parts. But I do care about making sharp
statements (see my monthly X’Ho-Files in www.xhosux.com.) All the
music, writing, etc. is a means to an end. It’s like I’ve pawned them all.
That shouldn’t be too difficult for Singapore to grasp. Oh, I do like the
idea of growing tomatoes. Not in Singapore, of course. And I also like
the idea of running society-watchers around my head to help them
understand where I’m at. Yes, the word is transparency, I gather.
X’Ho
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AN I.S. MAGAZINE INTERVIEW THAT NEVER GOT PRINTED
SELF CENSORSHIP QUESTIONNAIRE
The new Prime Minister has encouraged us to “express diverse
views, pursue unconventional ideas or simply be different.”
1. Are you now more likely to speak your mind about public policies,
and why?
X’Ho: Not any more or less than I usually do and only if I can find an
angle to gripe and vent. I can’t imagine responding on cue (to the call to
speak up) cos I’m not a digitized Singaporean. (See, even answering
your question is an opportunity to gripe.)
2. Does this make you more comfortable about speaking your mind
in letters to newspapers or your MP? Why?
X’Ho: I never waste my time writing to the papers about Singapore.
They know what I’m all about. I’d write to MPs only about my HDB
apartment. Anyway, why shouldn’t mere mortals feel comfortable since
the new PM has given the green light? We’re about responding to autocues, remember?
3. If you really said what you thought, are you afraid of a backlash?
X’Ho: I always say what I wanna say with one hand covering my backside. That way I get to say all that I wanna say. I’ve learned well from
being born, raised and bruised here. And please, I’m not Sheikh Haikel
(who was sacked from his deejaying job for making a crude joke). I’m
from the much older school that knows ‘hip-&-funky’ as an agenda. So
I’m proudly “clinically detached” (as one reporter described me) even as
a deejay. After all, I know all about invisible OB-markers. So, a backlash? They surely wouldn’t wish that on me or they’d get my gripes
hurled back ten-fold in return.
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4. What signals does the government need to send to encourage people to speak up?
X’Ho: Our government is a huge success. Naturally, just continue to
send what it’s always been sending – be it 6-month bonuses or Singapore
shares. Can the government here trip, fall or fail? The moon falling from
the sky is more plausible – and I’m not being sarcastic.
5. Do the OB markers need to be defined, and why?
X’Ho: Let me tell you, innocent one! A State Minister of ours once said,
“OB-markers cannot be defined because it is not possible to define
everything by law. If you try to define it precisely then others will play
around that definition and say they are not doing anything wrong”
(Straits Times, May 26, 1999). Now that we’ve gone ‘hip-&-funky’
these days, people will turn around and ask you like you’re some uptight
alien from yester-space – OB markers? Where got? Yes, we’re that desperate now about getting people to “use their brain”, be creative and
speak up again. Nonetheless, I’d say - unless you’re willing to fall into
a Sheikh Haikel predicament, it’s better to be proud of being the yesteralien. It’s your backside against theirs. Poor Haikel. My sympathies to
the guy though he hardly needs any. He’s a family man, and in our society that’s infinitely more welcomed than someone like me. So f#*!* (sic)
on, Sheikh! (Well, is that what you guys would call self-censoring?)
X’Ho
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KUALA LUMPUR’S KLUE MAGAZINE INTERVIEW 2005
1. What's your favorite thing about Singapore?
That needless (though not necessarily owned up) present dilemma of holding on to good old Nanny regimentation while pining for hip-&-funky openness. Alas, my time as a writer has come with a relevance greater than ever.
2. If you could change one thing about Singaporeans, what would it be?
Nothing. I love them for what they are. How else to show the world how
right I am about Singapore!
3. Create a fine for Singaporeans. What's the offense and penalty?
The offence – being courteous and civil. How hypothetically karmic! That’s
offensive because it would deprive those sycophantic morale-boosters of the
daily pulp press of a purposeful yarn about room for improvement.
Penalty – those courteous and civil ones be banished to Thailand for life!
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AN INTERVIEW IN CATALOGUE MAGAZINE
June 2004
Q. What's your essential fashion piece?
My fake-looking toupee in over 20 styles – from mohawk to flat-top.
The hair-pins must stick out to accentuate the fakery.
Q. Name a colour that best describes your music?
Black-on-beige – the color of covering one’s backside (-my artistic
modus operandus in this city).
Q. Your favourite fashion buy is...
The Face/Paper mag. Gets you straight to the heart of street fashion (and
I don’t mean Wallpaper!). Fashion is really a state of mind.
Q. Your favourite shopping city would be...
London.
Q. The worst thing to wear to a X'Ho gig...
Muay Thai boxing gear. I’d be too distracted to perform!
Q. What is your favourite footwear?
Dirty farm-hand boots/slippers… not on me, though.
Q. Natural or synthetic fibre?
Singapore’s awful weather forces one to go natural. Otherwise, unnatural or synthetic.
X’Ho
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Q. Complete this sentence - "My secret fantasy is to wear ...
…nothing but a flimsy knee-length sarong at 3 am walking across desolate Asian plains for the threatening wind to yank it off from this eroticseeker of rock’n rolling aborigines. While the wolves howl, I’m listening to the macabre Nick Cave on my i-Pod… “Oh rubber-tapper, where
art thou?” (You did say fantasy!)
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TODAY NEWSPAPER INTERVIEW
Circa Sept 2005
(I don't recall the following being eventually printed)
Q. There have been many success stories for Singapore music in the
last 10 years. Why do you think there is still a lack of acceptance or
support for homegrown bands?
Local pop music was uprooted and massacred at its core-root in the late
60s and early 70s, killed off by the authorities. And for the next 30 years,
its death was a snug fit before the cry for an arts hub. You can't overturn
the sensibility of a whole generation or two overnight. Hence now,
School Of Rock - the SPH band competition to sound the knell of a new
re-look, beautifully marked by the coincidental arrival of a band like
Slipknot on these shores as a glaring signal of sudden concern that we
don't mind 'scary' rock music thriving on these shores.
Q. Ten years ago, the local English pop scene was relatively bubbling
but the public still wasn’t interested. Do you think this has discouraged the younger bands?
See above answer. Ten years ago was lagi worse, because arts wasn't
even an economic agenda yet. The young? You mean, the mere pawns in
the big game-plan?
Q. One of the main arguments about why local bands aren’t accepted is because they lack commercial value or aren’t musical enough
for affluent Singapore audiences. But the recent albums by
Electrico, B-Quartet, Ronin and The Observatory suggest otherwise. What do you think is the real problem?
The real problem is no one dares to point the finger at the root problem
for local music's downfall/death. So, everyone keeps beating around the
bush, trying to look for a politically correct 'other' explanation.
X’Ho
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Q. One other popular argument is that local musicians can’t market
themselves or aren’t media savvy. What are your thoughts about
this?
Let's bring up that popular Singapore notion - infrastructure. There ain't
one for local music... End of struggle. Really, it's as simple as that. It's a
matter of whether you want to accept that piece of truth or not.
Q. Singapore Idol has proven that TV and radio works wonders in
promoting music. Do you think things would have been different if
the media had a hand in promoting Singapore bands?
I rest my case... about infrastructure and the power of the powers-thatbe. Taufik sold 30,000 albums. Or rather, Singapore Idol sold 30,000
albums. Can it get any more obvious about the power of those in power?
Q. Raw talent was groomed on Singapore Idol, is the same tactic
needed for local bands – regardless of genre?
Well, perhaps in a one-look, one-style one-choice environment,
Singapore Idol may as well be the one-look, one-style, one-choice solution! You detect a tone of bitterness? Ever wondered why?
Q. Australia and the Philippines stipulate a minimum number of
songs to be played on radio. Do you think Government regulation
may be a key to push local bands?
The Government succeeds on all counts with its many manoeuvres on
these shores, I don't see how it can't succeed if it pushed for a re-growth
of something it was completely responsible for killing. Question is - how
much of a revival does it really want, and how soon. I am sure you have
implicit trust in the power of our Govt. too.
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Q. What else can be done to push Singapore music forward or
change the mindset of the local music fans?
Tell our Government to live and let live and be even that much more sincere about grooming the arts with a full acceptance of what the arts is
about - a human expression of our creative instincts in all its forms,
REGARDLESS of political and social agendas. Otherwise, let's get realistic and learn to accept the notion of Mussolini or fascist art!
Q. Finally could you list 5 of your favourite bands from the past and
present? What makes them special or promising?
-Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz - makes me real proud to be a maverick
Singaporean.
-The Observatory - Leslie Low is alive and well and making music.
Rejoice.
-The Boredphucks - telling reason why local music just couldn't
thrive. ‘These kids - really!’
-Dick Lee - telling sign when our undisputed prince of pop isn't really crowned the prince at all by his own kind. And let's learn to be
mature that commercial and mainstream aren't necessarily dirty
words.
-Wendi Koh - another major talent we couldn't really give a shit
about.
X’Ho
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I.S. MAGAZINE APRIL 2005 INTERVIEW
ON MY FIVE FAVORITE GIGS IN SINGAPORE
My answers below were only partially printed. Here they are in full.
1. The Pet Shop Boy's Discovery Tour at Indoor Stadium in 1994
Near-nude male dancers in front, female ones behind with guitars. The
cops freaked. Sudden intermission called. Thereafter, dancers were less
nude but Derek Jarman images on the huge video-wall had men kissing!
Alamak! Then there was backup singer Katie Kissoon in nun's habit
singing with PSB's Neil Tennant a medley of I Will Survive/It's A Sin.
When there was a technical hitch causing Neil's mic to go off, he called
for the song to be re-performed from the top with the panache of an
Auntie Mame who insisted on not climbing those steep steps of a stageconstruct he had descended from while singing the song where the michitch happened. Not to mention that the whole concert began with the
super dramatic PSB song Tonight Is Forever (which the duo had produced for Liza Minelli). Before-show music was classy house grooves
(remember this was '94 when house was still over the masses' head) and
after-show music was Ethel Merman. Campy til the cows came home
and had the promoter fined by the authorities for PSB's 'indiscretions'.
What a diff'rence 'hip & swinging' now makes! And it was PSB's 'Very
disco' tour, hence the name.
2. Pearl Jam at the Indoor Stadium
Oh honey. I wasn't even there. But I heard the audience ripped up the
seats after the gig from sheer frustration of being told to remain seated
by the securities. And, of course, it was hushed up in the press. Does it
matter that I wasn't there to witness the proceedings because I loathe
Pearl Jam? Hail hail, the audience's statement. What a diff'rence 'hip &
funky' makes.
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3. Blondie at Fort Canning Park this year.
Oh because my band - Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz - was the opening act and
thereafter Debbie Harry remembers me as the Singapore Focker! Does
that mean I'm in the same league as Barbra Sreisand? Oh, who could settle for just hip & funky when there's diva-hood at stake?
4. The Rollins Band at the SLR Auditorium
As in ex-Black Flag's Henry Rollins' band. The gig that caused the further 'destruction' of the local rock scene when the press blew up the audience sport of slam-dancing which caused it to be subsequently banned...
to this day, no? Oh, what a diff'rence 'hip & funky' makes.
5. Chicks On Speed at Zouk, this year.
Half the audience loved it and the other half didn't. In other words, there
were those who got it and those who didn't. The Chicks made sure they
were dimly lit onstage for the UV-colored paint on their faces to show
and for us to pay fuller attention to the numerous close-ups of pussies
and willies on the giant video screen. These girls, by the way, formed
their band in the Munich School Of Art. Hence, the Goethe Institute
presentation at Zouk. What a diff'rence our 'hip & funky' art scene
makes! Long live art!
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #14
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #15
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #16
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #17
PART FOUR
THE FOLLYWOOD LYRICS
My agit-electro band Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz released
an album titled Follywood in April 2004. I have included the album’s win-win lyrics (all written by yours
truly unless otherwise stated), along with liner-notes
for your amusement. Go buy the album if you haven’t.
It will be a collector’s item in no time.
X’Ho
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FOLLYWOOD’S LINER NOTES
ZIRCON GOV. PAWN STARZ- the greatest band you don’t know
you need.
Singapore !
That’s becos you simply don’t know enough about
The Lion City that’s an economic wonder of the WORLD. The enviable
Nanny state. The chewing-gum -banning country with the sharp,
strategic turnarounds (hey, chewing gum can now be sold with prescription. See!). “A giant Disneyland theme-park with a death penalty” (William Gibson). A most obedient nation of people you cannot imagine
to exist. The ultimate land of prefab sprouts. And much MUCH more.
No Anarchy In The Lion City. No fascist regime, mate. But God do save
queens!
Welcome to a new dictate to subvert all inadequate dictates. A squeakyclean but prickly farce-ist regime:
; Faust and Satan are in
there somewhere. Its nemesis –
. To expose
emotional fascism with an electroclashing nag. It’s the realm of South
Park getting even with Satan & Saddam-u-know-Hu as amorous bedfellows. Zircon nags media whores to be whores so big their twats
explode in your face. With God on their seedy side (up),
heroes battle Lucifer King for a pro-joy-fun-sleaze revolution. As
aide for the cause, the God of Fuck gives the middle finger to fake funadvocates possessing ulterior Wall Street motives. Zircon-nation is the
betta Utopia: a beautiful and humanistic digital future. Becos the
human finger, instead of just pushing buttons, has rectum-stirring power
to bust anal-retents.
Follywood
Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz
Zircon
So you see, you can know it, and know it well enough. Just chant the
Zircon mantra: We are not here as some power-monger’s digits to help
beef up stats. We live and groove and suck and fuck like God intended.*
Shame is for hypocritical puritans. Censorship is the result of flawed
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education. Just ask St. Burroughs and all the Wild Boys & Girls– from
Pasolini to Peaches. We all love to dance… nag nag nag.
* When something as fundamentally joyful as oral sex between consenting adults is deemed criminal and being against the order of nature,
something insidious and self-righteous is wielding a subtle emotional
fascism to affect State-fearing paranoia. Especially when the controlfreak, killjoy dictate messes with hairsplitting ATOMS & MOLECULES,
declaring oral sex to be legal when practised as prelude to conjugal sexual intercourse. Corollary: authorized oral sex for adults from the City
Hall of Marriages. Truly, an Orwellian digitization of a sanctimonious
order. “Against the order of nature”, dudes!
Zircon-nation do the nag!
X’Ho
MOUTHLESS FISH
Sour, sour
grape, grape
grating
Listen to the way it screeches
That grating scraping sound
of steel against concrete
day in, day out
day in, day out.
(chorus:)
Grinding teeth, you could barely breathe
They’ll arm-lock you but you won’t choke
Cos they know how to hold
How much to grip
how much to squeeze
So you’ll still live
But barely breathe
Hardly breathe
You try to breathe
To make ends meet.
The sound comes from above
A sound to gnaw at your brain
Can’t wait for you to feel its teeth
So you know whose mouth-piece to use
Theirs! Theirs! Theirs!
It’s always theirs!
(chorus)
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270
DROP THE ATTITUDE, FUCKER
Originally by the Queers; revised lyrics by X’Ho
We see you with your skate-shirt
Your Stussy round your waist
You look like some tourist from that Harajuku place
according to Spin magazine, you’re so cool & hip
Do us all a favor, lose the hoop from the lip
You think you’re so nu-skool but you still love TV
From Star Search to Reality, even Chinese MTV
You wanna look like F4, you wanna be a star
Get real, it’s Singapore, you’re a pawn, that’s what you are
You’re so sad, you’re so bad
You’re so bad, you’re so sad….
(chorus;)
Drop the attitude, fucker
Drop the attitude, dude
Drop the attitude fucker
Fucker, drop the attitude
You’re rubbin’ shoulders now with the chap from Channel 8
Tomorrow you’ll be chasin’ after starlets for a date
Ooh-wee, ooh-wow, you think you’ve got it made
Go suck balls, you limp-brain, it’s Follywood, it’s fake
Now line up one by one, get slot in the bill
So fabulous it is, to climb Caldecott Hill
It’s fame, it’s fortune, they’re glad to have you think
You’ll eat out of their fanny, kiss butt, you clue-less thing
X’Ho
You’re so sad, you’re so bad
you’re so bad, you’re so sad…
(chorus)
Oh honey, just sign on the dotted line
There’s nothin’ better than being a Durian Star!
Just remember, be proud of the Durian
They might even give you a public service award
Lights, camera, action,
Don’t miss your big chance to play monkey
Ooh, bless your soul, it’s for charity!
(chorus)
Drop that stinkin scowling no-life attitude!
271
272
NAG NAG NAG
Once upon a time
was a place called No Fun
But the stooges and a punk-monk
made No Fun redundant
So God sent a whammy
‘twas Satan named Luci
As in Lucifer King
He invented a dance
A dance called the Nanny
But Nanny got bossy
So now there’s the Nag
Let’s shake it, we’ll make it
The Nanny, she screwed it
You Nag & I Nag,
they Nag & we Nag
We love Nag, we dance Nag
We talk Nag, let’s all Nag
Nag Nag Nag Nag Nag….
(chorus:)
Lucifer King – a mean old hag
First we couldn’t dance & then
we couldn’t shag
Blame it all on Nanny, she’s getting’ really fat
Let’s all shimmy on the skinny,
let’s Nag Nag Nag
We all love to sing –
Nag Nag Nag
we all love to dance –
Nag Nag Nag
Let’s do it for the king –
Nag Nag Nag
Lucifer King – Nag Nag Nag
L.K. – Lucifer King
“It’s the new hot club-night.
You’ve got it there too?”
Yeah, ours is bigger, bigger &
better.
Cos we’re Nanny, the Mighty.
Our Nag is the no. 1 Nag.
(chorus)
I hope the next time when you’re
making the beast with two backs,
you’ll do it to this music. It’ll
open up a whole new world of
electro-dynamics.
Do it in deep slow thrusts
and ram it good.
X’Ho
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MEDIA WHORE
Just look pretty
stay mum
but most of all, obedient
O be…
Oh be famous
Oh be whore
Oh be servile
Just do your chore
Sell your soul
Like we have with ours
For money
Enjoy the scenery
Savor the luxury
O be…
(chorus:)
Media whore, do your job
media works, media corp.
Say hello to the master for me
Tell him the shackles don’t hurt
Tell him there’s no pain
I have everything to gain
Oh be famous
Oh be whore
Oh be servile
I’ll do my chore
(chorus)
Oh be famous, Oh be famous.
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NIGHTMARE (ON 8 & 5)
Originally by Motorhead, titled
Nightmare (Dreamtime);
revised lyrics by X’Ho
Trey Parker stands in fear
Orgasmo from the rear
They’ve got the tube
to run your life
Lie back and watch TV
Little soaps to set you free
You turn the knobs,
they turn the tide.
(chorus:)
All nite, all nite,
Off with the satellite
All nite, all nite,
Nightmare on 8 & 5.
Tipper Gore of the East
Our Tiger is the beast
Fish flips its tail,
out comes a lion.
They’re really scared of sex
Unless to boost the stats
They killed South Park,
the hand of iron.
(chorus)
Intolerant hypocrites
murdered rock
and banned the skates
then built a park
to mask the hate.
Don’t wonder why these folks
got no life behind the hoax
The joy’s been sucked out
of their lives.
(chorus)
Pawn starz on 8 & 5
No life on 8 & 5
Nightmare on 8 & 5.
X’Ho
DIGIT NATION
Hip & funky
No corruption
Wonderful free press
Absolute free speech
Superfine country
Best education
Speak better English
Speak better language
Digit Nation…
Keep on swinging.
Courteous people
Kind & loving
The cops are nice
Love our own kind
Economic wonder
Envy of the world
Speakers’ Corner
electro-gantries
Digit Nation…
Keep on swinging.
No vote buying
Opposition heaven
No one’s bankrupt
True benevolence
New economy
Hip & funky
Make way for the young
Hallelujah free freedom
Digit Nation…
Keep on swinging.
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ZIRCON GOV. PAWN STARZ
We love: A Number Of Names, Chicks On Speed, Ellen Allien, Kotai,
Miss Kittin & The Hacker, Peaches, Felix Da Housecat, Fischerspooner,
Fat Truckers, DJ Bee in Bangkok, Mirwais, Sven Vath, Dakar & Grinser,
Taylor Savvy, Crossover, Swayzak, DJ Hell, Ladytron, Tiga, Larry Tee,
Dopplereffekt, Laurent Garnier, FC Kahuna, Adult, Zombie Nation,
Linda Lamb, David Carretta, Vitalic, Thomas Schumacher, Mt. Sims,
Angie Reed, Readers Wives, Dinky, DFA, The Rapture, Scissor Sisters,
and not least –
Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz.
(chorus:)
We tell it like it is, we tell it like it is,
we tell it like it is,
Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz.
Fanny-honeys on the escalate
Mole-hill mountain, an esplanade
Hip and swinging, in your face
New Economy and New Wave
New wave, new wave, new wave…
X’Ho
277
278
A LETTER TO 8 DAYS
I am utterly disappointed that Sue-Sue Law (my very marvelous singer
in Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz) and her self-induced wardrobe-malfunction
at the MTV Asia Awards’ red-carpet reception did not figure in your ‘21
Scandals For the 21st Century’ (issue #702). Surely, her ‘media whore’
stunt is juicier than, say, Ho Yeow Sun’s secular music controversy, or
Britney being a virgin ‘til 17 (of which even Kumar said “Stupid, lah,
this one”!). Unless you confirm our rightful suspicion that Sue-Sue Law
is actually ranked #22 on the list (which means that she’s oh-so 22nd
Century and hence, ahead of our time), we will have her storm over to
your office to flash her flab….bergasted-ness. Make sure your office is
red-carpeted. You know, like Janet Jackson, we also got new album, out
next month, to publicize, leh. I suggest you atone for the grave oversight
by making Sue-Sue the cover-girl for your April Fool issue. I could tell
her to start dieting right away.
X’ Ho
of Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz
X’Ho
279
A PRESS RELEASE : FOR THE CURRENT 8 MONTHS.
AFTERWARDS, BURN IT !
Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz?
No one here will write about the band with a name like that, a
Singaporean music-biz exec had said in the beginning. But then, the
national press did feature the band soon after and complimented it as
“frighteningly good”. Goes to show, when the old Parliament House gets
a make-over to be the new Arts Centre and there are “no more walls” to
keep the nation from “chasing the pink dollar”, what’s a little thorn-inthe-side name to add to the list of Alfian Sa’at, Royston ‘15’ Tan, et
al…? Besides, it’s not a long list anyway. Nothing a hip-&-swinging,
dares-to-call-itself-‘uniquely-Singapore’ country can’t handle. You thot
you can’t possibly publicize/promote a band with that name? 8 months
on, when ‘Surprising Singapore’ has evolved into ‘Uniquely Singapore’,
the nation is ready for anything. As long as it’s not porn. Yes, the spelling
is pawn!
So wake up! You media-player person, you! Support the extraordinary and help Singaporeans think out of the box. Promote Zircon Gov.
Pawn Starz if just to see whether the band can survive all the invisible
OB-marked landmines that can detonate personal bank accounts.
Here’s the low-down. Rising from the ashes of Zircon Lounge (Singapore’s first-ever New Wave band in 1983… take note, first!),
singer/lyricist X’Ho and instrumentalist Yeow went for that national
Singapore character when they formed Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz: to be
the first to play nu-electro on these shores. Never mind if it’s electro or
electronic, dance or pop, so long as it’s the first…
Being not so young anymore (so some, like the exec, assume that
they’re, therefore, unfit to play the red-carpeted MTV-game), X’ and
Y(eow) roped in, as a third-member, the ‘I-wanna-be-a-sex-bomb’ DJturned-singer Suzanne Walker, a single mother once denied maternity
leave on account of being pregnant out of wedlock. Just as inflated ministerial salaries must not be mistaken for lawful (or unlawful) gratuity, it
is imperative that you acknowledge Suzanne Walker as Sue-Sue Law
280
whenever she is a member of Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz. Still unclear
about when Suzanne is Sue-Sue and not Walker-the DJ? Just implement
the Zircon-logic – whenever it suits the band’s purpose as a win-win
rationale, use it. Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz calls it the Merlion rationale:
you can swim the sea and roar ‘bread-&-butter’ with it. That’s how one
can be the king of the aqua-jungle. Doesn’t matter if it doesn’t quite
make sense.
8 months later… The band performed its debut-gig to a standing room
crowd at Bar None. So the bar was not that big a venue but stating that
fact would be as irrelevant as saying that you can now dance on bar-top
only when the bar has obtained a license for it. Simply say – now can
dance on bar-top is enough. Especially when a new-generation journo
(David Fuhmann-Lim) raved that “their set rocked. It r-o-c-k-e-d! It was
outrageous, loud, fun, subversive and tight. Suzanne… sorry, Sue-Sue
Law had undeniable stage presence.” See!
For the first time at Bar None, the public was introduced to Zircon
Gov. Pawn Starz’s repertoire: Media Whore, Mouthless Fish, Nag Nag
Nag (yes, think ‘nanny’ and you’re on the right track) and Drop The
Attitude, Sucka. That’s sucka, not f___er, cos let’s face it, Zircon Gov.
Pawn Starz is not LMF from Hong Kong. LMF can perform at Zouk
spouting slogans like tew-lay-lo-mo and get away with it cos, surprise,
no one complained! Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz is proudly Singaporean in
that it knows when to practise the fine art of self-censorship -surely a
sign of entrepreneurial dynamism.
Another 8 months later (as in now, today), Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz
has a new album to give you something to write about or publicize. It’s
titled Follywood (that’s Bollywood with an F). It contains contributions
from Chicks On Speed and Mia (- two German electro-punk acts), Peter
Christopherson of the pioneering New Wave industrial band Throbbing
Gristle and also Coil, and the Thai electro band Futon. Don’t pray-pray,
all that is true. Also included are remixed tracks by Ashidiq & Kiat, Case
and Eastward Collective; though, you and I know, those are not so
important to mention cos they’re only local acts.
X’Ho
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Gasp…. Outraged?
Well, exactly. Support local! Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz has faith in you
to support it without upsetting/offending your important editor or boss
up there. If in doubt, consult an expert journo like Helmi Yusoff (at the
Straits Times’ news-desk) on how to angle a story to your win-win benefit. C’mon, you can do it. Besides, Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz is not OBmarked (not to anyone’s knowledge anyway). Nor is its electro OB at all.
Singapore’s hip-&-swinging future is in your pens. So drop that old
kiasu attitude, sucka and blow Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz up to be da bomb
‘til it explodes. Now that should please your corn-bread-&-peanut-butter boss to no end.
Want another look? Check www.xhosux.com/zircon.htm
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“The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that
is incapable of exercising real discretion... Take away
the right to say 'fuck' and you take away the right to say
'fuck the government'."
- Lenny Bruce
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #18
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #19
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #20
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #21
© X’Ho 2009
tat outsider #22
PART FIVE
RANDOM NOTES ON THINKING WIN-WIN
(unpublished writings)
“I completely agree that the humanities have been neglected in our schools, which has a huge detrimental
effect on society in general, and specifically in appreciation of the arts.”
- Gaurav Kripalani, artistic director of
The Singapore Repertory Theatre, 2005
X’Ho
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WHY AM I SELF-PUBLISHING THIS BOOK ?
Why isn’t BigO, my previous publisher, publishing this book, I hear you
ask? That’s something I am not supposed to know. Here’s why.
When I first approached BigO to do a third book, (and this is way
after they had suddenly gone off their Internet weekly e-Update with no
explanation given), their response was – they have no money to publish
my book. So, I went ahead on my own with the plan to self-publish.
Halfway through, I turned to them and proposed. Listen, I said, what if
I were to pay for the entire cost of printing the book, but I give it to BigO
to publish in name? I suggested that BigO publish and distribute and
promote but with MY money. Unheard of arrangement, of course, but
then, hey, I am all about dealing with the RIDICULOUS and crazy alternatives here in Singapore. The response was simply NO. N-O, no. I was
also told that if I were to ask questions, I would not be entertained.
So, why isn’t BigO publishing this book – I hear you ask. Well, you’ll
have to ask Big Brother and His underhanded henchmen. C’mon, action
does speak louder than words. Of course, Big Brother wouldn’t know
that that is so, since He’s all about speaking LOUDEST in the local press
ALWAYS.
One more thing. Often times, when I attempt to ‘copy’ my files from
my notebook to another hard-disk storage in order to ‘save’, the
prompter on the computer says I can’t cos one particular file is ‘in use’!
Don’t worry honey, I’m not the kind to shiver at such things.
Underhanded isn’t my preferred kind of modus operandus at heart. If it
looks like it is, it’s only because I enjoy the mimicry as a tactic. A tactic
I am not exactly proud of in my spiritual journey in life, but I’ve, long
ago, given Singapore the ‘privilege’ of the exception.
I actually enjoy the fact that I’m important enough to be ‘staked out’.
Really. Besides, I’m very flattered that BigO and I make such alarming
bedfellows of ‘fearsome’ reckoning. Thank you, message received! Who
wouldn’t relish such hush-hush attention - you tell me. The mere mortal
(MM) wouldn’t. Exactly. But aren’t I bothered with them corrupting my
files? Yes and no. Yes, only because it’s a practical inconvenience. No,
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because I believe in Divinity. The key word here is ‘corrupt’. Let karma
take care of itself.
So, who was it who said that censorship is NOT an issue anymore?
Choke on this, love.
X’Ho
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THE SINGAPORE ‘SCIENTOLOGY’ OF CURIOSITY
“As Buddhists, we can’t even control our own minds well enough, yet
Singapore wants to control yours.” – a Singapore-born monk now residing in Thailand.
I read with great curiosity about the Church Of Scientology in The
Sunday Times on Jul 24, 05 that it is a quasi-philosophical system
preached by the late science-fiction American writer L. Ron Hubbard in
his 1950 book Dianetics: The Modern Science Of Mental Health. From
the little I read, I gathered that “some European countries consider it a
commercial enterprise, a totalitarian cult or a psychic New Age faith”.
The faith’s “grand aim is a world without war, criminals and insanity,
where the able can prosper, the honest have rights and man is free to rise
to greater heights”. “The purpose is to reach a ‘clear’ state to overcome
handicaps and be a superior being.”
Superior being? Totalitarian? I’m afraid these concepts appear quite
taken already on these shores. Not surprising then that The Sunday
Times also reported that “it is believed that there are no Scientologists
here”. What would be interesting is to know if the authorities would
allow such a faith to gather a following here. Y’know, as our city-planner Liu Thai Ker advocated (see The X’Ho-Files Aug 05) - Singaporeans
should have enough curiosity about life, if not spiritual affairs too, in
order to enrich our Singaporean identity and lives.
So, just out of curiosity… I wonder - is Big Brother secretly a
Scientologist, so He can secretly help our feeble folks to achieve “the
ultimate answer to everything”? Oh, how could we ever know?
There, I feel I’ve fulfilled my divine duty as a Singaporean for a day
to be curious to help enrich our country’s solidarity, the Liu Thai Ker
way. (You can do it too, my fellow aspiring-to-be-win-win, dears!)
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IN CASE YOU DIDN’T NOTICE OUR MYSTERIOUS NEW SKIN
July 17, 2005. Just watched Gregg Araki’s Mysterious Skin, a film that
would not have been screened at the local cinema if it had been released
two years ago on these shores. Even if it had, it would’ve been massively censored. No one, for fear of looking like a fuddy-duddy watch-dog,
is gonna bother to record the fact that local censorship has eased up
tremendously recently. To think that Frank Miller’s Sin City was
screened uncut is another major milestone in local cinema history. Yes,
the times they have a-changed.
THANK GOD FOR THE INTERNET!!!!!!!
Some things, I don’t take for granted on these uptight shores of sanctimonious uptight-ness. The kids don’t have a clue about our Dark Ages,
and the adults wouldn’t risk lookin’ like old fools to comment about the
massive changes. Thank God I’m no kid and no old fool. I record for
posterity. For the truth that holds the universe of life. At least, here’s a
source you won’t find anywhere else on this closed isle of mercenary
open-ness.
I would have included the above for a regular X’Ho-Files except that
I should take all the aforementioned on Mysterious Skin and Sin City
back, cos I couldn’t believe what happened to Tsai Ming Liang’s subsequent art-house flick The Wayward Cloud when it arrived here. The fact
that an early scene in that was censored on the account of it being suggestive just did not make sense when the closing scenes - way beyond
suggestive went uncut. A friend remarked that the early suggestive scene
was objectionable probably because the character portrayed looked like
she was enjoying the sex while the closing scene’s suggestiveness was
tragi-comic in nature, so there was no sense of pleasurable enjoyment to
justify a cut.
Terribly partial and petty view of how censorship works. But in
Singapore, it’s very believable.
X’Ho
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YA-YA-PAPAYA : THE FRUIT OF REPRESSION
Those who’ve read my previous book Attack Of The SM Space
Encroachers will surely know or understand the concept of elbowingfor-space behavior. In its various forms, it can be likened to a screaming
drag queen, a suicide bomber or an ostentatious Aunt Aggie. One common element in all of them is the need to call attention to themselves
whether for fun (screaming drag queens), aggression eruptus (suicide
bomber) or compassion ignoramus (Aunt Aggie).
Then there are those commoners of the ilk that I call ‘ya-ya-papayas’.
(Yes, they are so full of squeeshy pap juice too!) I won’t even put it
down to arrogance - that’s far too dignified for what’s behind the behavior in question. It has more to do with indignant righteousness. These
ones can’t wait for OTHERS to see how assured and confident they are,
but not that they are aware of that ‘anxiety’. They have no qualms being
heard aloud in public and it’s all a needful show of assertion, which, in
the Singapore context, is so obviously born of surreptitious repression.
“Once repressed” is how the establishment writer Koh Buck Song once
described us. And because the establishment acts like nothing’s wrong,
pin-pointing only at the symptoms of bad behavior (bad customer service, jumping queues and even maid abuse) and not the root-cause,
nobody really gets to the heart of the problem.
Why should they?
Ya --- Ya --- why should they indeed! But understand for your own
peace of mind and sanity the whole concept of ya-ya-papaya to learn to
deal with it the way I do. Every time such behavior is flaunted in your
face, learn to turn the diabolical cheek and say – “Gimme more, you
prove me soooo right about the lot of you ya-ya-papaya commoners!”
Yes, and deep down inside, be perversely glad to receive such shameless
show of veiled uncouth behavior to want EVEN MORE of it. It can only
make you feel that much more different and special and exceptionally
(un-)SINGAPOREAN (urghh, what an ugly word, now you know!).
Now, you also know why I’m being tolerated by the authorities. Who
else will DARE point these things out to dodo Singaporeans without
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risking being marginalized. What do I care about being marginalized
anymore? So yes, I’m happily playing out the sole truth or dare game
here while covering my backside with age-informed cushions thickthick. And the authorities… they’ve got themselves a free ‘messenger’.
A role hardly anyone else will selflessly take on.
Word of caution – your sanity can only take so much. So please, spare
yourself of crowded Singaporean gatherings/places. Those are really
time-bombed environments where ‘suicide bombers’ are waiting for
each other’s beck-&-UNAWARE –call to implode/explode.
X’Ho
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A STRATEGIC REMINDER
Just so you don’t lose sight of this book’s aim – to succeed in being winwin against the MM, you have to concede to being ridiculous – repeat
after me. “I am, proudly, a weasel, not any more or less so than you are
one as the culprit of our ugly ways.” (And then with self-effacing nag-)
“Alright, maybe far less so than you are, but still a weasel, nonetheless”.
Now remember to repeat this every now and then to secure a win-win
feel for yourself.
It’s a sweet little reminder for you NOT to fear being ridiculous in a
farcical system. You are suitably in character. And as I’ve already pointed out in my previous book, two wrongs don’t make a right, but in
Singapore, they do make a nice left. Now, give yourself a little pat on the
back, then carry on your own little merry un-Singaporean way of circulating in the humdrum and irksome city of a beautiful shell and hollow
soul.
Remember, as long as you keep your integrity and go about life with
great civic consciousness as a HUMAN BEING, rather than a
Singaporean, God will see you as your own person’s hero in weasel
clothing. He’s not blind, you know!
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LOONY TUNES
In my block alone, there are enough loonies and instances to inspire 12
Storeys II from Eric Khoo. Let me introduce them.
An over-aged Ah Lian, with a stunted build, likes to throw things
down from her kitchen window at night. One time, her trivial litter landed on a cab-driver who got out of his cab for a smoke, so she had to make
her way down to retrieve her projectiles after being scolded by the cabdriver and for fear of being reported. (That’s how I got to know it was
her).
A group of grumpy lorry-driving brothers I dub ‘the spitting gang’
(yes, that’s their nasty habit each time they step onto the pavement of the
block) have a crow-hating father. The old man was once seen chasing
crows around the car-park to stone them, causing the birds to create a
squawking ruckus.
A young van-driver, who also rides a scooter, banged away on the
metal plate of his post-box in the lift-landing common area one afternoon for a good half hour ‘til the metal-cover was all dented.
An abused Malay housewife (yes, she’s been seen being hit by her
hubby in public) often pushed a supermart-trolley round the block late at
night, making feline calls to lure out the strays she was feeding. (She
later fell to her death from her kitchen window one early morning wearing only a blouse and nothing else.)
Then there’s the lanky Malay Ah Beng, who walks with that ai-pakmai (wanna fight) swagger, and the bachelor upstairs who always looks
like he’s just stepped out of a fight…
All those loony-toons, they have one thing in common – a certain resignation about being Singaporean with no out-of-the-bin vision.
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SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS
Maybe we’ll stop singing praises about China for a while now. Look!
“China rejects (then) Deputy Prime Minister’s reasons for Taiwan visit.”
A Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman issued this statement: “Lee
Hsien Loong said that if he were to call off the trip at China’s request,
he would have undermined Singapore’s right to make independent decisions and damaged its international standing. Why should Singapore’s
rights and international standing come at the expense of China’s sovereignty and core interests?” (ST, July 22, 04). I think China should learn
to be like Singaporeans…. Eh, wait. My editor says better to cover backside and not comment on something so crucial to economic peace. Well,
appearing like a scare-dy weasel don’t mean shit to me, so ok lah. Let’s
drop it and move right along….
The Straits Times reported on Aug 11, 05 that the new Rolling Stones
album A Bigger Bang contains a song titled Sweet Neo Con that contains
a swipe at US President George W. Bush. Based on an AFP/Reuters
report of what Newsweek magazine wrote, the ST stated that the new
song “boasts the line: ‘You call yourself a Christian, I call you a hypocrite/You call yourself a patriot, well I think you’re full of shit’”. Nice.
Nice, because it just goes to show how much of a patriot we are here
in Singapore. Even if some Singaporean is found to be taking a swipe at
the government, you can be sure no local report of any offending remark
will be described as a “boast” and look like a wonderful occurrence. So,
the ST was merely replicating a report in this case? Just call it editorial
discretion, yeah?
Better yet, these days, don’t even bother to highlight such swipes of
a local nature, lest the masses get wind of it. The Rolling Stones?
They’re not Singaporean. Besides, the swipe is at a statesman of another country, and not even a neighboring one that requires discretional sensitivity and special political diplomacy. (Let’s not forget the film
Zoolander and why it was banned simply because of a depiction of the
Malaysian Prime Minister, however ‘unreal’ the depiction was.)
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I guess, the best justification for it all is – we should not be disrespectful.
Sorry Bush, guess Newsweek got out of hand with its tweety-bird
chirp on the Stones. Not our fault, okay!!
*****
I’ve come to realize why some people hate my guts.
In the Life! section of The Straits Times on Aug 8, 05, there is a feature on local celeb hairdresser David Gan’s party to launch his book
Passion – The David Gan Story. Gan is the ‘darling’ of local TV stars and
China actress Zhang Ziyi. Wonder why no local STAGE actress would
rave and RAVE about him in the same way that the TV ones do? Any
idea, love?!!! Anyway, the blurb of the report on his launch-party in
Life! went: “Stars Of David – Hairstylist to the stars David Gan threw a
bonzer bash over the weekend and (our reporter) was there to record his
guests’ fashion hits – and misses.”
Well, guess what? I read the report and there were no misses! Much
as that report on that particular day (Monday) was in the weekly pictorial section that always reports the fashion hits AND misses of
Hollywood and other international celebrities. Of course, it’s hard to
imagine how any local ‘celebrity’ (or his/her ‘bosses’) would take to disparaging remarks from the fashion-police; especially when, really, these
so-called local stars share the same ‘big boss’.
Similarly, one may see caricatures of Tony Blair or President Bush in
the local press, but there’s really none in Singapore that dares cast disparaging light on a local statesman. Telling. Let’s just say that that is the
limit of Singapore’s new ‘open’ society, yeah? Never mind that the
establishment will come up with a hundred good reasons for it. And
never mind that laughing at others (the overseas ones) is okay. Double
standards? Gee, we’ve been so busy flaunting open-ness, we almost forgot these little double standards we’ve come to accept without question
these days.
X’Ho
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No wonder some people hate my guts. I have been so ‘indiscreet’ in
many of my music reviews of local musicians in the past! Has to be
remembered that this place still has that very small town mentality.
*****
Singer Tracy Huang, the Taiwan-Singapore answer to Olivia NewtonJohn in the 1970s, launched a comeback onstage on these shores – her
first concert in Singapore in 20 years. Priming the comeback with a feature-article, what does the headline of the write-up in The Straits Times
(Apr 16, 05) say?
“Singapore’s special.” No doubt the words came from the singer herself who had once lived here to know what constitutes a good publicity
statement in Singapore.
Pretty telling about what Singapore and the Singapore press is all
about too. Oh, let’s get as obvious as the shameless daily pulp press. If
you wanna get it on in Singapore with music (or anything for that matter), you gotta partake in the campaigning thing. Be screaming loudly
that you’re on their side to get it on. Donch forget - we’re a small place
with small-town mentality and very hard-up for praise.
*******
“A manic-depressive yawn – that’s how a London critic described
Singapore Dance Theatre’s debut performance in Britain last month as
part of the Singapore Season,” was the headline of a report in The Straits
Times’ Life! on Apr 15, 05. The report also stated that the debut performance was also dubbed among other things, “just awful” by the British
press.
Well, a dear friend of mine could have told you that but then, even he
knows that for one’s social prospectus, it won’t be smart to make such a
public critique in Singapore. We’re a small mind, luv.
In the aforementioned report, the Singapore Dance Theatre’s general
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manager Ms. Ng Siew Eng defended the dancers in her company and
said: “We will go back just to prove the critics wrong, (whether we’re)
invited or uninvited. But at the end of the day, it’s about economics – an
independent production is expensive.”
Well, I could have told everyone that. What could be closer to the
truth than the fact that art in Singapore is all about maintaining economic peace, whether Ms Ng’s statement is taken within context or not.
X’Ho
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CALL ME A MIMIC
Day after day, one wakes up in Singapore to find the usual (over)load of
agenda-making in the morning paper (sic, no ‘s’ there). News, there will
always be. But the agenda-propping features… Then again, it’s really
quite obvious why they’re constantly present. Singaporeans are just too
numbed out to bother asking questions. Or think for themselves.
For example, one Friday morning, Sept 23, 05, what does one see on
the front page of The Straits Times? “Choices open up for secondary
school students.” Yeah, it sounds like a good thing, but why these constant changes? The answer is obvious. Considering Singapore’s massive
regimentation, is anyone surprise that the education system will have to
go through the same amount of regimental fine-tuning?
How do you think we get this far today? To the point where other
Asian nations are now waiting for us to take the lead to ban tobacco
smoking altogether! The whole world knows that we are the only one
who can do it cos we are uniquely Singapore. They also know we are
uniquely so only because we are so geographically minute to be ultramanageable in regimentation. Not that they need to tell that to our face.
Now that we have arrived at the era of Uniquely Singapore, we are
also shamelessly proud of our ways as a system.
So how does one deal with all this? Well, giving the system back its
piece of medicine has always been the best answer. Like how? Think art.
Which Big Brother wants you to revel in anyway. How does all that’s
happening around you make you feel creatively? The answer really lies
within you as a person as well, I’m afraid. Why do you think I’m not a
repressed space encroacher, unlike most others here? I may sound terribly catty and sour-grape–like, but that’s exactly the option I’ve taken not
to end up as another space encroaching Singaporean too repressed out of
his mind to even know that he is one. Like I said, I’m merely giving back
a piece of the medicine sent my way – that kind of petty, defensive,
kiasu, win-win medicine.
Call me a mere mimic, if you will. Anytime that, than being a space
encroacher elbowing for repressed space. That’s my art! And of course,
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it’s all about covering my ass. It’s a big part of being win-win on these
‘once-repressed’ shores.
While we’re at it, call me a sharp-spotter too. Flash news on Channel
News Asia: “Japan frets as cost of missile defense system with the US
triples.” Have you ever read anything akin to: Singapore government
frets…. ? (You might now, just so they can prove me wrong.) What does
that tell you? Firstly, the authorities here never have to fret. There’s nothing they can’t settle to their general satisfaction. (So, you say capable or
not?) Secondly, even in news reporting, there’s already a built-in code of
morale-upholding coming from those disseminating the news. No doubt,
it will always be put down to nation building. Ain’t I sharp to decipher
such tactics! I know you can decipher too, but your Singapore’d-out
mental protection has a way of keeping them out of focus, I know, I
know.
Don’t I know!
X’Ho
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SLIPKNOT LIVE IN SINGAPORE
So history was made on Aug 16, 2005 when Slipknot performed live at
the Fort Canning Park here in Singapore. Never before could an
extreme-metal band with a ‘scary’ image get a license to play live in
Singapore. Metallica was the only one that managed to before, but then,
Metallica isn’t exactly scary-looking like Slipknot. It’s just looks? It’s
what Singapore is all about, honey!
Even just a year before, it was unimaginable that Slipknot would be
granted an entertainment license on these shores. And this is fact
expressed by the promoter of the gig. The permission granted only
points to one thing – the authorities are desperate to win over the young
and appear more with-it. The ice has finally been broken and only time
will tell if this signals the opening up of avenues for other extreme metal
bands to perform here. Let’s not forget, we are talking about a country
that once barred the Japanese New Age musician Kitaro from entering
just because he refused to cut his shoulder length hair.
So, how hip & swinging is Singapore in relation to the Slipknot experience? Well, at the press conference, I made it a point to ask the band
what kind of guidelines was Slipknot given by the authorities for onstage
‘don’ts’. These include, we were told, a series of expectable no-no’s. No
masturbatory or humping simulation, no vomiting, no obscene gestures
and no inciting violence. Pretty standard fare. The fact that Slipknot was
allowed to perform already means that the rules, though upheld, have
now been relaxed somewhat.
Of course, by-rote kiasu-ism still prevailed at the gig. I was told at
the admission gate that I could not wear the half-face mask I’d put on for
the occasion. Maybe they were afraid the devil might really come in disguise. Should anything happen, they don’t want no half-mask person to
be causing any mischief or whatever.
I was just glad that the gig happened. I almost had to pinch myself to
believe it. Of course, the youngsters now wouldn’t understand the ‘big
deal’ I felt. Every time I punched the air, it was for sheer rock’n roll vindication of a time passed. This one is for the long list of banned albums
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we used to get every month. This one’s for all the rock’n roll that was
barred from national TV – and we’re not even talking about death-metal
or the like, but early-days Boy George and David Bowie, and mid-period Rolling Stones, etc. Most of all, seeing the metal roar of Slipknot
onstage right here in Singapore was pure vindication of all that intolerance Big Brother used to harbor towards rock music. ‘Who do you think
you are, flaunting such teenage arrogance on stage?’ – was His quiet
voice of unwritten disapproval. All that was history on Aug 16. Sort of,
anyway, until I witness, say, Marilyn Manson on these shores.
When Slipknot no.8 – lead singer Corey threw water from plasticbottles onto the audience, I couldn’t help but think – this could happen
for the umpteenth time only because it’s done by a foreign band. I can
just imagine that if a local band were to try that, the authorities would
have told the tour manager there and then, that one more toss and the
show will be stopped. Don’t believe me, try getting a local band to keep
tossing water at a local gig in a park, whether the weather calls for a
splash of relief or not.
To get the gist of how sensational it felt for me to witness Slipknot
live in Singapore, here’s something from my website
www.xhosux.com’s Fannn Of The Month posting in July, 05, found on
my band Zircon Gov. Pawn Starz’ web-page:
“Fannn of the month: Lucifer King
Age: very old but never retired
Ambition: to be more capable than God”
(Lucifer says-) “There was a time esp. in paranoid-Singapore, when rock
music was denounced as the devil’s music of decadent libertines. Of
course, it is! Ha-ha-ha. Now that this shivering Lion City is struggling
to win over her youths and stay relevant with School Of Rock* pursuits,
it’s time I stepped out of the shadows. Actually, I do loathe Zircon Gov.
for putting me down in their song Nag Nag Nag. But I think you people
should know that this chief-mentor here of ghosts from the past is not to
X’Ho
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be ignored as some backseat ruler whatsoever. BTW, I have sent
Slipknot with Satanic verses your way to wish you (-Singapore) happy
birthday in Aug! One nation, one rocking Singapore. Yes, the time has
come. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”
*School Of Rock was a band competition organized for the first time by
the local national press Straits Times for aspiring musicians still studying at a pre-tertiary level.
So, rock lives in Singapore now. Thanks to the Internet and our leaders’ once intolerance that had created a dire desperation to connect with
the young for nation-building’s sake. As God might say – every dog has
its day.
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DIARY
Sept 23, 05
My Sept 14 issue of Time Out London magazine – which I get on order
from an import store - came with a sticker that says: “This magazine has
been censored according to MDA guideline”. Indeed, in a black-&-white
picture of the cast from a 1968 stage production of Hair, the genital of a
naked man singing on stage was inked over. I am sure, it wasn’t even in
an erect state.
Running at the same time at the local theatre is Quills, an R(A) production, about Marquis de Sade whose lead actor stands in the buff on
stage in one scene. And here in the privacy of my own home, a copy of
Time Out London is censored. Like, I would find that picture erotic to
have a wank with? Or that someone who reads Time Out London would
be offended or outraged by such a picture?
Hip and swinging Singapore? The arts hub of Asia? The proof is here
for all to decide.
Oct 3, 05.
Again, another issue of Time Out London comes censored, the male genital of a subject in a photograph is crudely inked over. The photo is part
of a feature on a Beijing photo art exhibition in the UK. Art, I remind
you! And we’re the aspiring arts hub for all of Asia!
“This magazine has been censored according to MDA guideline”.
Well, looks like it’s a guideline of one rule and one rule only– no male
genitalia! No matter the art context!
Arts hub? My ass. Maybe that should be arts hub, my DICK! Any
intelligent soul would say fuck that arts hub shit. The MDA guideline is
an utter embarrassment and AN INSULT TO THE ARTS. Wake up! Big
Brother, your arts goal has just been ridiculously undermined by your
kiasu henchmen. The world is laughing. Of course, I am too. Yes,
because my magazine has been defiled. That, too.
X’Ho
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THE LAST SAY
(I always have one cos it’s my book!)
My mother always warns me when it comes to dealing with public
authorities… the Chinese word guan – which means a public
official/judge/magistrate – is written with two squares, which stands for
the word mouth in Chinese. She always says – be careful, cos they
always have two mouths. That means - they always have the last say and
can swing it however they deem ‘just’. Hence, two mouths!
Though I’d never dream of telling her what I feel, here’s what I’d say
to that. She hasn’t got it quite right in the Singapore context. In
Singapore, the ‘guan’ should be written with three mouths, that’s how
more win-win it goes on these shores. In other words, even the official
Chinese language can’t begin to grasp at the truth in Singapore! After all,
Singapore is so thoroughly uniquely (sic)!
And three is really more accurate, especially if you think of the ‘holy
trinity’. So, really, don’t ever under-estimate the power of the guan in
Singapore. The standard Chinese word doesn’t even begin to do justice
to the concept on these shores.
Take care. Singapore may be hip and swinging, but she is, as they
also say, ‘no joke’! So sweat it, they’d love you to anyway, be it at play,
at work, and definitely at looking up to them!
Hmmmmph!!!
Nag… nag…. nag. I own up to the ‘style’ as pure reflex. That’s my
excuse. It’s good enough for me where these pages are concerned.
Nag, nag, nag. (Make that ad infinitum, if you will.)
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LAST WORD ON WIN-WIN
“Teacher’s house stoned, car torched in Kuala Terengganu, Malaysia” The Straits Times reported, on Aug 10, 05, that the suspected culprit is
from the teacher’s class. The incident arose as a result of the culprit
being reprimanded for mischievous behavior in class.
I dare say that if something like this happened in Singapore, the culprit would be caught in no time and justly dealt with. I don’t argue with
the fact that Singapore is rather efficient and competent in upholding
public morals in that sense. But just cos she is a shining example of that
efficiency doesn’t mean that we have to suffer all her one-look, onestyle, one-choice ways. I can’t help but think that there is a best of two
worlds to be had, if not the best of ALL worlds!
Who taught us the grand notion of win-win?
X’Ho
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HAIL BIG BRO
Hail Big Bro, full of meretricious grace, hallowed be thy fame. Thy kingdom run is full of cum on the faces of your lowly beholders. Thy will will
always be done when invisible tormentors have got the hands of grassroots
tied behind the bank, the mortgage, the taxes, the sewage… Who can tell
(it’s) the gutter when it’s dressed like health spas? The very picture of
complete wellness! So, imaging grace? Even our Heavenly Father has
much to learn. After all, he affects what comes naturally. Lord knows, he
did allow through histories of men, all kinds of bride-buying with casinoventures in foreign lands… So yes, it’s been done before. There will
always be someone else to blame, someone else to conveniently take the
fall. After all, television, radios and the dailies are muted to perfection.
And let’s not forget – honest mistakes! What a mighty prerogative that
belongs only to the privileged… no, the hallowed! Even the big Bush in
the land of the free can be impeached if need be. Listen here, one of our
mighty ones has declared “We will outlast any terrorists”. So, the land of
the what? They ain’t nothin’ compared to this bottom city. This bottomline city of dollars and stats. A giant pawn empire where bishops are happy
to die for a price. What is the soul, when you can have the luxury convertible? And let’s not forget that much-touted Bigger Picture! So hail, hail, all
hail that graceful big picture. “Opposition party leader fails to convince
the judge and is always not quite honest.” What’s new? Let’s turn the page.
Let’s rally the masses to a splendiferous blind faith of blooming geographical boundaries. The world is one? It may well be. But the world can
only be this one. Ours, the almighty. So hail, hail, Big Bro, full of meretricious grace, hallowed be they flawless Janus face. Hail, hail, Big Bro,
full of meretricious grace, hallowed be they flawless Janus face. Hail Big
Bro, full of meretricious grace, hallowed be thy fame. Are men…. not
flawed?
OUTRO
X’Ho
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PARANOIA BEGETS PARANOIA
Here’s something that no foreigner seems to ever get at when it comes
to dissecting Singapore as a dysfunctional society.
Sure, there was a need for stringent controls in our early nation-building years, as ex-Straits Times editor Richard Lim accurately put it – “it
was a time of reflex with little or no reflection”. But really, it’s all in the
degree or measure of the control. There is certainly a difference between
taking action to arrest the problem and further circumventing the return
of the problem to the point of utmost paranoia.
Sadly, that form of Singa-noia has long been put into action by our
Master and for so deep an extent that it can’t even begin to be questioned
or detected. The stringent methods of circumventing truancy, needless to
say, has created an endless form of distrust and petty truancy of all kinds
and in all needless forms to the point that Singaporeans as a people have,
circumstantially, become an apathetic, mindless and kiasu lot.
Tragically, the controlled media knows this but is gagged by the powerful control system. Without their help to make clear the muck we’re in,
we are caught in an endless spiral of hapless finger-pointing, offering no
real solution to a societal problem but merely relying on established
norms to work itself out.
However, as our Master knows, the world has changed since He put
those out-of-bound markers to great effect. He may occasionally come
forth these days to revoke some of those markers (not accepting thinking out-of-the-box in the beginning, casinos, etc.), but the underlying
paranoia of losing control pretty much holds the system – as it is –
together.
The root cause of Singapore’s problem is really pretty clear (just that
the national media cannot/doesn’t speak much of it) -- distrust begets
distrust, and paranoia begets paranoia.
It is naturally an endless spiral.
And yes, if anyone were to try and successfully point this out in the
public media, certain members of the national press will, no doubt, present a neat counter-argument. It will come with 200 justifications of the
314
paranoid control because he or she will consider it his/her job to do so,
if not seize the opportunity to score brownie points.
Neil Young sing! “Helpless, helpless, helpless, helpless.”
My only mental recourse for this ‘madness’ is to believe that Divinity
will triumph and eventually shed light on the contorted truth of what’s
truly good for the human spirit in the name of survival.
X’Ho
315
OVER & OUT.
(Or, outro but don’t overthrow)
For those unhappy or dissatisfied with Big Brother’s new (or renewed)
and seemingly facile ‘reforms’ (read: remakings), here’s the ultimate
win-win mentality to adopt. Listen carefully now.
Keep voting for Big Brother in the big elections. When you do, you
have every right to hold Him responsible for your well being, no matter
how He may deny full responsibility after the win. (Remember this Hitler, during his downfall, believed that the German people deserved to
die with him because they had voted for him at the start.) And if Big
Brother does deny responsibility, you can always blame Him more in
your heart for being ‘ungrateful’ or not doing His job well. Of course, He
will have a thousand justifications why He isn’t responsible in the way
you think He is. That’s when you, too, can gather another thousand reasons for yourself to think that you are right anyway about His failing
you. All He cares about, really, is being elected (that’s the impression
we’re often left with anyway). So, He gets what He wants, and you’ll
know whom to blame. How perfect! How win-win!
What’s the use of just blaming? Well, that’s entirely up to you to
dream up win-win thought-tactics to counteract that query with the
smartest of mental disposition. Maybe you think I’m just being deceptive in my stand and that I’m really working for Big Brother. Well, that’s
my win-win prerogative to appear diabolical!
Of course, the above perspective may sound like some spiritual
mumbo jumbo to Him. But y’know, that’s perfect, cos He’s really just
thinking Money with a capital $ for Singapore. Spirituality? That’s, at
most, another $-word to Him anyway. So, take the spiritual for the good
of your after/next life for yourself. Big Brother is too ‘big’ to bother
with it, unless you pin Him to the concept of the spiritual. Then, He will
lay claim to being concerned too. We will, then, understand that He surely would lay claim too as a part of His win-win nature, won’t we!
It’s all about being more win-win in our hearts, brothers and sisters.
After all, the mind is already His to have! But, it is the heart that pumps
316
the lifeline to the brain. You’d win better.
Long live win-win!
X’Ho
317
THE X’ HO MANIFESTO
Ten profound commitments
1. Never watch any primetime TV. You may occasionally stumble upon it
switching channels, but spotting any program-trailer or packaged-for-thenation advertising commercial should appall the hell out of you. If it doesn’t,
you are in grave danger of being brain-washed by the surrounding white-wash.
Sorry, no Survivor and Singapore Idol. (You could be mildly forgiven if the tuning in is to ogle at someone dishy. Hormonal impulses can always be excused.)
2. Never fall-in with the masses for the ‘herd’ mentality of wanting to belong.
You can belong to the Death In June cult. You can belong to the Revolting
Cocks fan club. But otherwise, wake up! There’s a limit to mainstream (geek)
attraction and it has everything to do with taste!
3. Never go with the ‘herd’ mentality but always make it a point to look like
you’re joining the queue. Be Machiavellian, as a mental defence! Be thankful
you got Singapore Shares or the Progress Package before General Elections.
But that don’t mean you should pat your pocket about it to the national press
and be their promo pawn-digit for the handout. Remember, you have every
right to the ‘package’ because your birth-right is your certificate of entitlement
(not that many actually know that and anyway, it’s really your money which
some, even say, you’ll have to ‘vomit back’ in due time!).
4. Never lose control or erupt like Chee Soon Juan unless you don’t mind being
sued left, right and center. You want to toe the line to be a flame-thrower (of
pride, if nothing else), not bomb out on your own fury.
5. Always stay excessively ‘tolerant’of ugly Singaporeans. When they sneer or
scowl you down by force of habit, smile and say to yourself (if not aloud) –
please, scowl more! Let their ugliness augment your enlightened beauty!
Besides, when you don’t scowl back, they think they can get away with it and
would be greatly encouraged to repeat their ugly behavior. Then, Fate will one
318
day teach them a lesson. Wicked? Not at all when it comes to staying sane in
Singapore.
6. Always be civic-minded and be kiasi. It’s kiasu that’s so hoi polloi! Kiasi is
all about cherishing life, and that is a true spiritual virtue.
7. Always “use your brain” and vote PAP! Singapore don’t practise irony. You
do. Besides, you kiasi or not? Straight to the incinerator, you know!
8. Be sure to support playwright Elangovan and Alfian Sa’at. They are the real
McCoy of local writing (even when the latter leaves Singapore to work in
Malaysia, and especially if he does). Mine is a narrow-minded view? Like hell,
Singaporeans know narrow-minded and petty views! Narrow deserves a better
narrow-ness, that’s my counter-counter-argument.
9. Avoid buying into the system of luxury or a luxurious lifestyle dictated by
the local national media. You’d be buying up the wrong tree! Remember – to
be considered rich and famous by the local national press (unless we’re talking
foreign celebrity) is almost always a sure way of looking boring to the truly hip.
Metrosexuals, by the way, are just flashy geezers, and Wallpaper hipsters are
just metrosexual-wannabes. The so-called local rich and famous almost always
fall into one of the following: old-money, nouveau riche or govt. pawn stars.
10. Remember to stay cynical about national goals. Even Barbra Streisand
(interviewed by the Actors’ Guild on TV) can tell her audience that it is every
citizen’s right to question the system – a belief she credits to be President
Roosevelt’s! Of course, always remember too that America has the Fifth
Amendment. Singapore has The Straits Times! Says it all. As the paper’s
Deputy Political Editor Chua Mui Hoong declared in an Election Watch editorial on Apr 16, 06: “The art of being all things to all people”! What or who is?
Go figure with big kiasi understanding, AND for your own good!
Don’t get vexed, preserve the infestation of ugliness...
“Repression... is a habit that grows.… An intimidated press and the government-controlled radio
together can regularly sing your praise, slowly
and steadily the people are made to forget the evil
things that have already been done. Or if these
things are referred to again, they are conveniently
distorted and distorted with impunity, because
there will be no opposition to contradict.”
- Lee Kwan Yew, Oct 4, 1956
320
If you enjoyed this book, you might like to read his
earlier releases:

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