The Big Book of Jerkcity, 2nd Ed.

BUT IT IS NOT BREAKFAST SPIGOT: MY MOM WAS ALL “YOU’RE NOT TAKING THE CAR” AND I WAS LIKE FUCK YOU HITLER DEUCE: YOU’VE CONFUSED ME WITH THAT ONE -- I THOU
REAKFAST BURRITOS NOT BREAKFAST ANGST DEUCE: THEY’VE BEEN MANUFACTURING ANTIMATTER FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW SPIGOT: WHEN PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT ANTIMA
OM WITH ME I CANCEL THEM OUT DEUCE: WANGSAGLHGAHLGAHLGA YOU WILL HAVE TO SHOW RESPECT TO GET YOUR DICKS SIR SPIGOT: DON’T BE DISSING MY LOW TOLERA
NCE SPIGOT: HURGLE DURGLE IT’S THE ECONOMY STUPID URF BURF WHATEVER YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT RANDS: POO POO POO POO POO POO POO POO RANDS: POO POO P
CK IN A POO LOOP DEUCE: AGLHAGLHAGHLAG DEUCE: YOU ARE NOW FREE (THAT WAS MY MAGIC SPELL) PANTS: ADMIT NOTHING! PANTS: DENY EVERYTHING! PANTS: DEMAND
AM I KIDDING HULGAHLGHALUGHALUGHLUAHLAG SPIGOT: DO YOU EVER PISS IN YOUR FAT MOUTH SPIGOT: AND THEN GO BLUGHLBUHLGUHBLUHGLU I’M A FOUNTAIN DEUCE:
T SPIGOT:TRY PISS FOR A REFRESHING CHANGE OF PACE SPIGOT: I’M A CHAR TO A STAR TO A POINTER TO A DONG TO A BONG TO THIS GUN TO RIGHT IN MY MOUTH AND GOODBY
CITLY OR IMPLICITLY CASTED ?!?! SPIGOT: FUCK YOU AND LICK DICK RANDS: DONGS RANDS: DONGS SPIGOT: DONGS RANDS: ARE WE A GAY BELL? SPIGOT: I CAN ANSWER THAT WIT
PIGOT: URMPH SPIGOT: OW SPIGOT: GLUGHLGUH SPIGOT: I CANNOT ANSWER THAT SPIGOT: REMEMBER WHEN WE LIVED TOGETHER AND WE WOULD TAKE THE BUS TO VARIOUS GA
D INSIST YOU WERE NOT GAY BUT BOY DID LESLIE AND CECIL AND FREDERICK AT BLOWHOLE’S KNOW OTHERWISE SPIGOT: LICK DICK OLD BEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PANTS: TUT TUT OLD BO
GOT: HURMPH SIR YOU ARE BLOCKING BBC1 AND BBC2 RANDS: PERHAPS BONGHITS WILL FIX A BLOWN HEAD GASKET RANDS: NOW THAT I THINK BACK ON IT, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN O
DS: PERHAPS BONGHITS WILL UNTANGLE THESE EXTENSION CORDS RANDS: IF ANY OF YOU NEED A LOAN, I WOULD MORE THAN HAPPY TO SUCK YOUR DICK PANTS: 10 ADAM 12 W
N PROGRESS ATANDT: CUMSHOTS FIRED ATANDT: CLEAR PARCEL 12 PANTS: 338 UNITS 1, 2, 3, 4 AND 5 RESPONDING PANTS: UNITS 6, 7 EN ROUTE ATANDT: MAN DOWN MAN DOW
ERVISE DEUCE: IF I COULD BE ANY KIND OF FLOWER I’D BE A BIG FAT ANGRY COCK SPIGOT: AND I WOULD BE THE HUGLURHLUGHRLUH BIRD SPIGOT: BRISCO: THE PERP MUST HAVE
: CURTIS: HE LEFT HIS PRECIOUS WEAPON BEHIND SPIGOT: MCCOY: HURRRRR HUHHHHHHH GAY POO PANTS: LAW & ORDER WILL BE RIGHT BACK PANTS: I HATE THE GREAT STATE O
ULAR REASON) RANDS: WHEN YOU GET IRRATIONAL, I GET STIFF PANTS: OK GIVE ME A MINUTE HERE PANTS: UH DEUCE: JEW-KABOB PANTS: DICKS AND PRICKS BAKED IN THE OV
N A SILVER PLATTER RANDS: CUT PANTS: OK GIVE ME A MINUTE HERE
RANDS:
FUCKINGBELONGS
READ FROM THE TO:
SCRIPT PANTS: I’M PREOCCUPIED WITH THE EASTERN EUROPEAN SITUATION
THIS
BOOK
NG AT THE IMPROV DEUCE: GLAHGLAGH SPIGOT: UM, I DO NOT REMEMBER EATING THE LAST BITE OF PIZZA SO IT IS AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPIGOT: I AM NOT SITTING O
K AWAY!!!!!!!! SPIGOT: WHOOPS!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS THIS MORNING’S EMPTY BOX SPIGOT: NOT THIS EVENING’S DOUBLE-BOX WITH BREADSTICKS POCH / DIPPING SAUCES DEUCE: IT IS SCHRO
ITHER IN YOUR APARTMENT NOR OUT OF IT AND YET BOTH AT THE SAME TIME DEUCE: I HAVE BEEN PUNCHED IN THE HEAD AND ASS FOR THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES STRAIGH
LING, ASKING FOR ICE) SPIGOT: THAT IS TANTAMOUNT TO EXERCISE!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEUCE: I KNOW AND FOR THAT I AM ASHAMED PANTS: WE HAVE ALL FAILED ONE WAY OR ANOTHER PANT
LL OUR PANTS DOWN RANDS: I AM SO THERE DEUCE: I DON’T SEE HOW THAT WILL SOLVE ANY OF OUR DEUCE: OH ATANDT: I FOUND A LIZARD SQUISHED BETWEEN TWO PIECE
DEUCE:T ATANDT DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY BALLS ATANDT:T DEUCE I JUST ATE DEUCE:T ATANDT WELL TAKE A PEPTO BISMAL AND LET ME PULL DOWN MY PANTS DEUCE: HAVE A VE
CE: GET IT DEUCE: IT SOUNDS LIKE MERRY BUT IT IS IN FACT A DIFFERENT WORD DEUCE: WORDS THAT SOUND ALIKE BUT HAVE DIFFERENT MEANINGS ARE CALLED HOMOPHOBES
HE’S SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING YOU AS A FUCKTOY. DEUCE: MY PENIS DOESN’T WORK !!! DEUCE: WHEN I HIT IT WITH A HAMMER IT DOESN’T SQUEAK ANYMORE DEUCE: SISTA #10
UP AS I CAN MUSTER IN THIS STATE OF DEHYDRATION (FROM THE JERKING YOU SEE) DEUCE: I WISH I WERE TOILET TRAINED DEUCE: NOTE THE USE OF THE SUBJUNCTIVE INDICATING
ARY TO FACT SPIGOT: WHAT DO WE WANT? SPIGOT: COCKS SPIGOT: WHEN DO WE WANT EM? SPIGOT: NOW SPIGOT: WHAT DO WE WANT? SPIGOT: *HOMPH* SPIGOT: WHEN DO W
RF* RANDS: OR POO SPIGOT: FOLKS I WOKE UP ON THE FLOOR OF THE STALL WITH NO SHOES SPIGOT: IS THAT GULF WAR SYNDROME DEUCE:T SPIGOT YOU SNORTED TOO MUCH D
T: ARE YOU BOB HOPE CHEERING ME UP WITH NEWS FROM HOME AND A WHORE DEUCE:T SPIGOT NO I AM TRYING TO TRICK YOU/DICK YOU SPIGOT:YOU’RE PRETTY SLICK YOU SPIGO
NG VANILLA NUT BLEND SPIGOT: FUCK, I JUST HAD THIS FREAK ACCIDENT WHERE I SAT DOWN TO WORK AND I SPILLED DOPE INTO THE BONG AND THE LIGHTER FLICKED OUT AN
E WHEELS OF MY CHAIR SLIPPED BACK AND I INHALED THE DOPE SMOKE AND ATE A MUFFIN PANTS: WE SHOULD OPERATE IMMEDIATELY DEUCE: DICKS ??? MORE DICKS ??? PERHAP
ANTS: WELCOME TO THESE UNITED HOUSES OF PANCAKES SPIGOT: BRISCOE: WHAT IF WE GIVE UP THE MURDER WEAPON? DEUCE: UH OH SPIGOT: MCCOY: HAGGLE GAGGLE I’M
DUCER DICK WOLF SPIGOT: YOU CAN ONLY DO THAT WHILE SMOKING DOPE DEUCE: THAT’S BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY TIME YOU’RE FUNNY SPIGOT: T RANDS ALSO THEY ARE MY “
R JUGS DEUCE: DOES THIS DRESS AND DO THESE SHOES MAKE ME LOOK FAT? PANTS: I THINK IT’S THE FATNESS THAT REALLY DOES IT PANTS: ALSO THE UGLY SPIGOT: TRY PUTTING TH
D THE DRESS OVER YOUR HEAD DEUCE: DOES THIS DRESS AND DO THESE SHOES MAKE ME LOOK FAT? PANTS: I THINK IT’S THE FATNESS THAT REALLY DOES IT PANTS: ALSO THE UGL
E SHOES UP YOUR ASS AND THE DRESS OVER YOUR HEAD SPIGOT: WHERE’S THAT PIZZA SPIGOT: BLRHLBUHRLUBHRLUBHLGHRLHGHRLBHLUGHBLULH PLUH BLUHH I AM SO SORR
LHRLUHLBRHLGUHLLUH HUH HUH I JUST CAN’T KEEP ANYTHING DOWN PANTS: MY SHOES SPIGOT: BLGUBHGLUBHRLUBHRTLUBHRLGURHLBURHGLUBRHGLUB MY FAULT SPIGOT: B
TS: I NEED TO BE PUMPED SO FULL OF SPURT THAT I CANNOT SEE STRAIGHT PANTS: WRITE BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPIGOT: SIR THIS IS AN ENGINEERING/BAB5 NEWSGROUP PANTS: FAN
RT?????????????????????????///////////// SPIGOT: IF ONLY WE COULD COMBINE FILKING WITH DICKLICKING DEUCE: GAYS DEUCE: FILKLICKING PANTS: NO DICKFILKING SPIGOT: FOLKS YOU’RE BOT
PRIVATE DICKLICKER SPIGOT: WARNING CONTAINS GRAPHIC SCENES OF DICKLICKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPIGOT: (COCKSUCKING) SPIGOT: OKAY MEN LET’S ALL HURMPH BURMPH LORD GO
OF THE BOAT SPIGOT: BHLRUHBLURHLUBHRLGBUHRLUBHLHRG ARE YOU RYAN NO OKAY BHRLBURHLGUHLRUBH SPIGOT: HELP / I NEED SOMEBODY SPIGOT: HELP / NOT JUST A
M BAM SIR IN THE NEXT STALL I AM ASKING FOR HELP SPIGOT: I AM REACHING MY HAND UNDER THE PARTITION FOR COINS/TOKENS SPIGOT: WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS ADD THE PHRASE
MY FORTUNE COOKIES!!!!!!!!!! SPIGOT: I WILL LICK DICK ... IN BED!!!!!! SPIGOT: I WILL CUT OFF MY DONG AND BALLS ... IN BED!!!!!!!!!! SPIGOT: I HAVE A KEEN EYE FOR RAPING PROSTITU
EM DOWN THE BATHTUB ... IN BED !!!!!!!!!! SPIGOT: SOME DON’T WORK SPIGOT: FOUR MORE PRICKS SPIGOT: FOUR MORE PRICKS SPIGOT: FOUR MORE PRICKS SPIGOT: FOUR MORE
U SPIGOT: WHEN YOUR MOUTH / CHOKES ON DICK / LIKE A BIG FUCKING PRICK SPIGOT:THAT’S AMORE SPIGOT: WHEN YOUR DONG’S / GETTING LONG / AND IT’S STUCK IN THE BONG
PIGOT: SERIOUSLY I’M OUT OF TOILET PAPER SPIGOT: I’M GOING TO SMOKE THIS DOPE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS SPIGOT: FIVE HOOKERS?!?!?!?!?! SPIGOT: BUT BUT SPIGOT: WAIT SPIGOT
DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I’D LIKE TORI SPELLING TO GIVE ME SOME 9-0-2-1-ORAL SEX SPIGOT: ALSO AARON SPELLING SPIGOT: I PUBLISH SHORT STORIES ON THE WEB AND
E SPIGOT: IF SOMEONE CAN HELP ME GET A PERL/JAVA THING GOING I CAN BUILD A CHAT FORUM SPIGOT: YOU’RE REALLY STABBING ME IN THE FACE AND GROIN WITH THAT BA
D IT HARD TO BELIEVE THIS IS ALL FOR SOME PISSCAM PROJECT BUT I’M TRYING HARD TO HOLD STEADY SPIGOT: FUCKING CLOSE THE DOOR SPIGOT: STUPID ASS JERKOFF I’M BEAT
GET OUT SPIGOT: GET THE FUCK OUT SPIGOT: PUT THE COFFEE ON THE FUCKING DESK SPIGOT: I WILL SUE FOR THE RIGHT TO LICK YOUR DICK SPIGOT: (PUSHING ROLLED UP CONST
) RANDS: THICK DEUCE: I AM CROSSING OUT ARTICLE VII AND ADDING AMENDMENT XIII SPIGOT: WE THE PLBRLBLBLRBPLE PANTS: GAKKKK PANTS: YOUR HANDS ARE TIGHT AROUN
HOKING AND TEACHING ALL AT THE SAME TIME PANTS: GAKKKK MOSTLY CHOKING PANTS: IT IS MOSTLY CHOKING DEUCE: SO BE IT SPIGOT: I AM COUNTING ON AN X WITH OUR
RING PROTRACTOR DEUCE: IF WE CROSS BEAMS WE WILL DIE SPIGOT: THEN I GUESS WE SHOULD BOTH USE THE FORCE???? READING FAQ SPIGOT: FOLKS CAN WE GET SOME EXPER
GOING KOSOVO CRISIS?!?!?!?! SPIGOT: LET’S ALL SOUND OFF WITH OUR TWO CENTS!!!!!!!!!!! PANTS: I TAKE IT UP THE ASS SPIGOT: IS THIS RING STILL ACTIVE RANDS: I’M SERIOUSLY INVITING
EUCE: I WILL ACCEPT THE INVITATION (AS WELL AS THE RESPONSIBILITY) RANDS: IF YOU DON’T MIND RANDS: PLEASE REMOVE YOUR DONG FROM MY ARMPIT DEUCE: I AM KEEPING
T: CAN YOU GET PREGNANT FROM ANAL SEX DEUCE: WE WILL CONDUCT 1000 SCIENTIFIC TRIALS ALSO WE WILL NEED ANOTHER 1000 FOR THE CONTROL GROUP SPIGOT: I WILL
HE GAY AND LESBIAN AND HOMOSEXUAL AND LESBIAN AND LESBIAN AND GAY AND HOMOSEXUAL AND GAY AND LESBIAN AND GAY AND GAY AND HOMOSEXUAL AND GAY A
CLUB IT WILL BE CALLED THE GALAHALALAGAHAGALAGAGAHAGALAG CLUB DEUCE: I WILL JOIN (HERE ARE MY DUES) DEUCE: T ATANDT DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY BALLS ATANDT
E: T ATANDT WELL TAKE A PEPTO BISMOL AND LET ME PULL DOWN MY PANTS PANTS: PLEASE HELP ME PICK OUT A GOWN FOR THE COCKSUCKERS BALL PANTS: SLOW DOWN, TAK
AK ME WITH THE HOSE PANTS: I WILL DRUG YOU AND FUCK YOU PANTS: WHAT PANTS: YES I’LL HOLD PANTS: YOU CAN’T TELL ME WITH A STRAIGHT FACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER GIV
S MARINES IN THE BACK OF A CAMARO WITH QUIET RIOT PLAYING CAN YOU ??? I THOUGHT NOT PANTS: WHAT’S YOUR ANGLE PANTS: WHOSE BABY IS THAT PANTS: I’LL BUY THAT PA
OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING SHORTLY PANTS: ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO STATE THAT I DID NOT PUNCH THE PROSTITUTE I WAS ONLY HELPING HER DOWN OFF THE STAGE :TO: STA
: WHAT’S GOING ON DOWN THERE : : ARE WE OFF THE AIR AGAIN? : GODDAMNIT : YOU USELESS FUCKWADS ATANDT: T SPIGOT WHY ARE YOU STILL UP SPIGOT: CRUISING FOR PRICK
LLY GOOD SPIGOT: LET’S GO TO THE MOON AND LICK DICK DEUCE:YOU KNOW WE DON’T HAVE TO GO TO THE MOON FOR ALL THAT DEUCE: (I.E., A SPACE IN MY BATHROOM JUST
WHOLE POINT IS THAT WE GET NASA INVOLVED SPIGOT: PLEASE OVERRIDE MY VIRTUAL MEMBER DEUCE: I CAN ONLY OVERRIDE YOU IF YOU ARE A VIRTUAL MEMBER FUNCTION SI
LARS DEUCE: NOW YOU’RE TALKING MOTHERFUCKER SPIGOT: KNOCK KNOCK !!! PANTS: WHO’S THERE ??? SPIGOT: BRAD CHAD AND THAD !!! PANTS: BRAD CHAD AND THAD WHO ?
UNIVERSAL RESOURCE LOCATOR
www.jerkcity.com
MICROBLOGGING SERVICE
twitter.com/jerkcity
ELECTRONIC MAIL ADDRESS
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ALSO BY THE AUTHOR
Copyright © 2003, 2014 Jerkcity
All rights reserved
Digital Edition, 2014
Printed in the U.S.A.
The Holy Bible
Cover by T. Farnon
Published by Baby Milk Factory
California, U.S.A.
www.babymilkfactory.com
Printed by Signature Book Printing, Inc.
Gaithersburg, Maryland, U.S.A.
www.signature-book.com
Cartoons originally published between
1998 and 2013 at www.jerkcity.com
Kickstarter Edition hurf blurf
www.kickstarter.com/projects/jerkcity/the-big-book-of-jerkcity
ISBN 978-0-9789941-0-5
2718281828459045235360287471352662497757247093699959574966967627724076
The Big
Book of
Jerkcity
Published by Baby Milk Factory
California
United States of America
2013
CHAPTER 1
EARLY YEARS, THE
what with the boners
half off
regarding my salary
breakfast burrito
antimatter
stuck in a poo loop
demand proof
change of pace
explicitly or implicitly
Atandt Haiku #1
various gay places
BBC1 and BBC2
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
CHAPTER 2
RANDS
the trouble with Pac-Man
auto repair for fags
Rands on the Charlie Rose show
spring cleaning for fags
jerktest
money management skills
24
25
26
27
28
29
CHAPTER 3
COMMUNISTS,
EVERY ONE
man down
any kind of flower
precious weapon
cut
Schrödinger’s pizza
tantamount to exercise
32
33
34
35
36
37
CHAPTER 4
DEUCE
jerk me
super man
shame
phobes
squeak
movie reviews
evil spirits
multiple horrible monsters
assume the position
the subjunctive
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
CHAPTER 5
IT GOES IN YOUR FACE
queer cheer
gulf war syndrome
we should operate
united houses of pancakes
executive producer
breasts
also the ugly
pizza
pumped so full
filking
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
CHAPTER 6
SPIGOT
saving private dicklicker
help
in bed
four more pricks
that’s amore
wait
Aaron Spelling
you’re really stabbing me
pisscam
beating off
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
CHAPTER 7
ALL THEIR LITTLE
HEADS AT ONCE
thick
choking, teaching
an X with our piss
let’s all sound off
a story as old as time
winter
sun day(s)
the scientific method
i will start a club
i just ate
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
CHAPTER 8
PANTS
prom night
in case of emergency
listen good
rough trade
the shed
i will
like a gay Speak & Spell
with a straight face and a firm grip
stoned before five
faster than luhhhhh
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
CHAPTER 9
NEW MILLENNIUM, THE
candy and cake
the moon
here’s ten dollars
knock knock
Quisp
the prickalino
prostitutes and migrant workers
CS-101
come and get it
time and salt
any given sunday
of all of the
true story
hey jude
some kind of horrible error
simple math
a moment’s pause
taking inventory
100
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
114
115
116
117
BACK MATTER
glossary 118
index 122
colophon 126
This is the scene that I’m picturing. You’ve bought
this book, read it, laughed a bit, and then tucked it
away on some shelf, and forgotten about it. Now,
it’s three months later and a potential girlfriend (or
boyfriend) is wandering through your stuff. You
have no problem with this because they’re getting to
know you and, face it, you want to get laid.
Pretty much everything on that shelf is dull; it’s
O’Reilly books, it’s a book on Photoshop tips and
tricks, it’s the token Hemingway book to show your
depth and, wait, what’s this? Dongs? This is the
moment I’ve been waiting for, this is the moment
that defines Jerkcity. “What the hell is this?”
Folks go two ways with Jerkcity. My assumption is
that a majority of folks read one or two strips and
end up offended in some manner. End of experience.
The minority read a few strips and then a few more
and suddenly it’s three hours later and they’re
searching Google for a non-existent Jerkcity FAQ
which explains what “t deuce hi” actually means.
Your potential significant other is going to see the
cover and will quickly fall into one of the two camps.
Depending on that landing, Jerkcity has had a say in
whether or not you get laid and that rules.
All of the regular Jerkcity players hang out online in a
private IRC-like chat server. The core group has been
there pretty much 24 hours a day since the mid-’90s.
We’re there right now: Atandt, Deuce, Pants, Rands,
and Spigot. Someone is talking about Togo’s and
dongs. It’s a slow night, but not all nights are slow.
Very often, there are random spurts of comedy
between one or more of the crowd and that comedy
sometimes ends up in the Archives. This is a private
database of over 9,000 11,000 excerpts of chat logs.
The existence of these Archives is pretty much the
entire reason that Jerkcity exists. The other two
pieces were built on the fact we’d taken the time to
save all our dick jokes.
First, I had the Jerkcity domain name. I don’t
recollect the instant it showed up in my head, but
I do remember thinking, “It’s short, it’s memorable,
and pleasantly rude.” I’d no idea what to do with the
name. I remember chatting briefly with Spigot about
a professional masturbation resource, but, in the end,
it’s more fun to jerk it than talk about it, so I dropped
that idea.
The second piece of the Jerkcity puzzle was Comic
Chat. This has been floating around my head as a
potential tool for months not because of any technical
ingenuity of the Microsoft product, but because I
liked the artwork and I can’t draw at all.
Sometime during the summer of 1998, I was flying
down Highway 85 in California and the three pieces
fell into place. Three years of rude comedy in archive
form; the simplicity of Comic Chat; a domain name
looking for a home.
I drafted a few strips in Comic Chat based on the
Archives, threw together the original site and tested
it with the crowd. Sixteen hundred strips Fifty-four
hundred later, Jerkcity gets roughly thousands of
visitors a day. I don’t really know if that’s a lot or
little, but it’s a lot more than I ever thought we’d get.
I’d first like to apologize if Jerkcity prevented you
from getting laid. I’d suggest that if you’ve taken the
time to actually purchase this book that you probably
better off without him/her—they wouldn’t have
understood you anyway.
Lastly, I’d like to thank the Jerkcity fans. Considering
Jerkcity is a non-money making enterprise supported
by the free time of folks who have a lot of other stuff
to do, it’s gratifying to wander into our usage logs
and continue to see the Jerkcity fan base grow.
We’ll get you laid, yet, I swear.
Rands,
February, 2003.
Jerkcity
The Early Years
1895-1940
In Which Deuce Discovers Radium
& Pants Tips Over An Apple Cart
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
24
25
26
27
28
29
Jerkcity
Communists, Every One
1941-1969
Where Rands and Spigot have a
gay picnic but it rains and
they cry like little girls
32
33
34
35
36
37
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
Jerkcity
It GOES IN YOuR face
1970-1979
AND OTHER RIDICULOUS FABLES
AS READ ALOUD BY A DRUNKEN,
ANGRY DEUCE
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
JERKCITY
All Their Little
Heads At Once
1980-1987
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
Jerkcity
New Millennium, The
OH GOD IT BURNS HUALGHULAG
HALHALHLUAHGULHALGHLGAHLAG
THIS IS WORSE THAN THAT THE TIME
THE POPE VISITED HALGHGLUAG
HUGAGLAGHUALGH SACRE BLEU
HLAGHULAHLGHUALGHULAG
SOMEBODY HUGALGHULGHLUAG
HLAGHLUAHGLUAHGLUHALG
100
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
114
115
116
117
1309, n. The number of the strip
that changed the face of the world.
Aaron Spelling, n. Who?
accident, n. Something that
happened not on purpose: “Officer,
when I ran him over three times, it
was an accident.”
amore, n. Italian for rape.
anal, adj. The worst way to start your
day.
angry, adj. Having the character of
being a delicate flower.
angst, n. The quality of being
annoying.
anonymous, adj. Unknown to
the Copyright Office, which is an
organization really in control of the
United States Supreme Court, which
in turn is in control of the National
Football League.
antimatter, n. A form of matter
which, when it comes into contact
with normal matter, causes choking
and crying.
armpit, n. A cock cozy.
ARRRRRR, interj. The sound a
pirate makes.
Babylon 5, n. A science fiction
television series which has drawn a
fairly substantial following but which
nobody else has ever seen.
behead, v.t. To strip one of oral sex
privileges at a brothel.
big stall, n. The largest stall in the
bathroom, usually where the most
powerful toilets are located. See
queue, stall, toilet.
BLUHHHHH, interj. An
unspecified sound usually indicating
disbelief or perhaps malfunctioning
frontal lobes.
boner, n. The man responsible for
cleaning up bones in a bone yard.
bonghit, n. A form of pipe wrench,
most particularly helpful with
repairing head gaskets and DeanStark traps.
breasts, n.pl. The only things that
allow men to tolerate women.
BRRRRRR, interj. The sound made
when drilling for oil.
carpet, n. A device designed for
collecting spilled bong water, coffee
stains, and DNA evidence.
cast, v.i. In computer science, to
convert an object of one type to
another type, usually without respect
for proper conversions; an unsafe
conversion: “I would appreciate it
if you would not cast my square peg
118
into that round hole.”
chomp, n. Eskimo for removing the
trailing newline in a string.
Christmas, n. The approximate
birthday of Jesus Christ, where all
good Christians dutifully practice
pagan rituals of giving each other
presents and talking about fat
men breaking and entering houses
through chimneys.
Christmas Tree Monster, n. Vast
herds of these luminous vegetables
roam freely amid the glacial valleys
of the south. Residents fear the
autumn migrations, in which the
trees cheerfully trample everything in
their path.
cunt, n. Not the ass.
curly fries, n.pl. An invention of
Western civilization even more
influential than the stapler.
DJ Rapekit, n. Gloves, rope,
tire iron, pepper spray, handgun,
condoms, your punching fists, bottle
opener, duct tape. You’ll know what
the bottle opener is for when the
time comes.
dick wolf, v.t. A certain perverse
sexual act, the details of which
cannot be mentioned here: “We sure
dick wolfed that dude.”
different, adj. That which must be
destroyed.
dipshit, n. Anyone under the age of
25.
dis, v.t. Short for disrespect: “I do
not appreciate you dissing my ability
to bust rhymes.”
dojo, n. The Japanese equivalent of a
gay bar.
dope, n. A substance that when
crushed under enormous pressures
and temperatures creates diamond.
Europe, n. A civilized, advanced part
of the world where genocidal wars of
“ethnic cleansing” take place every
three or four years.
Esperanto, n. A fake language which
nobody speaks. One of the strips
(#435, “Socian Komentaron”) was
translated into Esperanto for laughs.
Most crucial to this process was the
choice of the proper translation of
the word spurt.
fag trap, n. A question or situation
set up in order to oust homosexuals.
For instance, if one were to ask, “Do
you want to suck my dick?” and
someone responded affirmatively, a
fag trap would have been successfully
sprung.
FAQ, n. Acronym for “frequently
asked questions”; a list of answers to
frequently asked questions that can
be presented to a community (be
it a forum, Usenet newsgroup, or
software user base) so that the same
questions need not be asked over and
over again. In the entire history of
their use, not one has ever been used
for its intended purpose.
fat, adj. Being a citizen of the United
States of America.
filk, v.i. To engage in rampant and
offensive copyright infringement.
fisticuffs, n. The act of inserting one’s
fist into someone else’s bodily orifice,
typically the mouth or anus.
fuck, interj. The queen mother of all
swear words, greater even in degree
than darn.
fucktoy, n. A device or substance
used in conjunction with a sexual
act: “This toothbrush sure makes a
good fucktoy.”
GAKKKK, interj. The sound
associated with being choked. Let’s
face it, it was probably well-deserved.
goddammit or goddamnit, interj.
A general expression of frustration.
119
The proper spelling (with an m or
an n) has been a subject of debate
for thousands of years; the first three
Crusades were fought over this issue.
groin, n. The part of the body
located between one’s head and feet.
Gulf War Syndrome, n. A
syndrome, exhibited by veterans of
the 1991 Gulf War, with symptoms
of lassitude, lollygagging, and
goldbricking.
hand, n. The implement used for
masturbation.
Hitler, n. A crazy guy who almost
conquered the world except for that
only-one-testicle thing.
homophone, n. A word that sounds
the same as another word, even
though it spelled differently.
homophobe, n. One who is
frightened of homophones.
HOMPH, interj. The sound
associated with stuffing one’s
face with food or other mouthappropriate substances.
hooker, n. See whore.
HUGLAGHALGHALGHAL, interj.
An all-purpose sound, denoting
the act of performing oral sex, the
act of receiving oral sex, taking
drugs, writing your Congressman,
misdialing your party and getting
that annoying series of tones, or
sitting perfectly still and making no
noise whatsoever.
HUHHHHHH, interj. The sound
one makes as if air is being forced out
of one’s lungs.
HURRRRRR, interj. An unspecified
sound, but probably not a good one.
irrational, adj. Originally a quantity
which cannot be expressed as
the ratio of two integers. This so
incensed the ancient Pythagoreans
that they expanded the meaning
of the word to include things that
defied common sense. Thanks to the
Ancient Greeks, its use in Jerkcity
was practically assured.
jugs, n.pl. A less offensive form of
the term melons.
Kosovo, n. A place in Eastern
Europe. See Europe.
lesbian, n. A woman who hasn’t
come around yet.
lowercase, v. To type something in
lowercase. Essentially all of Jerkcity
conversations take place in all
uppercase. Typing in lowercase, or
“lowercasing,” is considered to be
effeminate and inappropriate.
melons, n.pl. A less offensive form of
the term breasts.
moo, n. The sound a duck makes.
muffin, n. A form of food which is
the staple of the Western diet.
newsgroup, n. A forum on Usenet,
a world-wide bulletin board where
people can post messages back and
forth to each other. Posts consists
solely of people disagreeing with
each other, arguing about what
is appropriate for discussion in
that particular forum, or hardcore
pornography which is no less than
five years old.
Occam’s razor, n. A principle
in scientific thought that if two
hypotheses equally fit the observed
facts, the simpler one is probably the
correct one: “Since dogs cannot talk,
Occam’s razor leads me to conclude
that you must be a cat.”
override, v.t. To take control over or
replace: “I am overriding your ability
to speak with this implement.”
Pac-Man, n. A video game in
which the player ran around in a
maze, eating pills while chased by
ghosts. Many scholars argue that
120
this game was largely responsible for
the shift in world thinking in the
1980s concerning the viability of
Communism, and thus is more or
less directly responsible for the end
of the Cold War; those scholars are,
however, wrong.
Perl, n. A language spoken by
Eskimos.
pisscam, n. A Web cam which is
focused on a cup or other container
holding some quantity of urine.
Pisscams were a part of a (thankfully)
short-lived phenomenon that lasted
only through the last few months of
1998.
poo loop, n. The vernacular for
a closed timelike curve, a path
through spacetime that loops back
on itself. Current theory is that
closed timelike curves cannot form
due to destructive virtual particle
interference, but poo loops still
manage to frighten and dismay tribal
cultures.
pregnant, adj. Female.
prickalino, n. A spin-1 weak vector
boson, responsible for poking and
prodding.
prostitute, n. See hooker.
quack, n. The sound a cow makes.
queue, n. British slang. See toilet.
Quisp, n. A breakfast cereal
renowned the world over for its
quispiness.
radium, n. A radioactive element
discovered by Marie Curie and
Deuce, her husband at the time. The
resulting squabble over who deserved
the lion’s share of the credit lead to a
messy and costly divorce.
RRRRRRR, interj. A sound
expressing anger, sexual excitement,
or pretty much anything under the
sun.
Saturday, n. The day of the Sabbath,
where all good people should pay
homage to Jesus Christ, our Lord and
Savior.
Schrodinger’s cat, n. A thought
experiment illustrating one of the
central tenets of quantum mechanical
theory, namely that it is boring and
nobody really understands it.
science, n. A process by which we
find out about the world.
scientific, adj. Something which
lends itself to study by science: “You
poking me there to find out what I’m
made of is wholly unscientific.”
sequester, v.t. To rape repeatedly.
Sista, n. A series of female-only
pornographic videos featuring black
women. Siskel gave the whole
series thumbs up, but Ebert was too
dehydrated to comment. Roeper,
Siskel’s eventual replacement, seemed
strangely disinterested.
spurt, n. Whale vomit, which is
prized for its value in the perfume
industry.
squeak, n. The sound that should be
emitted by a properly functioning
penis when struck by a hammer.
subjunctive, n. A form of sentence
structure in English that is used to
indicate statements that are known
to be contrary to fact, wishes, or the
like: “If I were rich, I could pay to
have you killed. Instead, I will have
to do it myself.”
stall, n. A location in bathrooms
where toilets can be found. See toilet.
stoned, adj. The state of having rocks
thrown at you for doing something
bad.
tantamount, n. A completely
made-up word.
T, punct. When followed by a name,
a form of direct address. The syntax
121
comes from an archaic chat system
running on APL machines; the T
syntax was short for TELL. The use
is perpetuated to this day as an inside
joke.
Texas, n. A place where it is not wise
to commit a capital offense.
toilet, n. A magical portal which
leads, through a series of pipes, to the
inside of the hollow Earth which is
inhabited by leprechauns. Toilets are
considered sacred by many religions
and are guarded very carefully by the
military of all nations.
tolerance, n. What’d you call me?
Tori Spelling, n. A particularly clever
bovine who once made a wish upon
a star and became a real, live human
being.
truculent, adj. To be behave like a
woman.
virtual, adj. Not real, or something
which would not happen in real life:
“You are virtually worth having sex
with.”
whore, n. See prostitute.
ACCEPT: 80
ACCIDENT: 54
ACTIVE: 79
ADDING: 76
AMENDMENT: 76
AMORE: 68
ANAL: 83
ANALYSIS: 79
ANDROMEDA: 104
ANGLE: 96
ANGRY: 33
ANGST: 13
ANONYMOUS: 95
ANOTHER: 37, 83
ANSWER: 19
ANTIMATTER: 14
APARTMENT: 36
ARMPIT: 81
ARTICLE: 76
ASHAMED: 37
ASKING: 37, 65
ATANDT: 32, 38, 85, 100
BABY: 96
BAKED: 35
BALL: 88
BALLPOINT: 71
BALLS: 85, 66
BATHROOM: 101
BATHTUB: 66
BBC1: 21
BBC2: 21
BEAMS: 78
BEAN: 21
BEATING: 73
BEHEADING: 60
BELIEVE: 72
BELL: 19
BERRY: 43
BETWEEN: 38
BIGGER: 55
BIRD: 33
BITE: 36
BLEND: 53
BLOCKING: 21
BLOWN: 25
BLUHH: 59
BOAT: 64
BONERS: 10
BONG: 18, 54, 68, 113
BONGHITS: 25, 27
BORING: 104
BREAKFAST: 13
BREAKING: 104
BREASTS: 57
BREATH: 89
BROKEN: 104
BRUISING: 37
BUNG: 107
BURF: 14
BURMPH: 64
BURNING: 60
BURRITO: 13
CAMERO: 95
CANCEL: 14
CARD: 11
CARPET: 113
CASTED: 18
CENTS: 79
CHAR: 18
CHAT: 71
CHEERING: 53
CHIPS: 11
CHOKES: 68
CHOKING: 77
CHRISTMAS: 43
CLEAR: 32
CLOROXING: 66
COCK: 33
COCKS: 52
COFFEE: 73
CONDITION: 49
CONDUCT: 83
122
CONFUSED: 13
CONTAINS: 64
CONTRARY: 49
CONTROL: 83
COOKIES: 66
CORDS: 27
COUNTING: 78
CRISIS: 79
CROSS: 78
CROSSING: 76
CRUISING: 100
CUMSHOTS: 32
CURLY: 100
DAWN: 12
DEMAND: 16
DEPLETED: 53
DESK: 73
DEUCE: 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 33, 35,
36, 37, 85, 43, 44, 45, 49, 53, 55, 56, 58,
61, 76, 77, 78, 80, 81, 83, 84, 101, 102, 104,
105, 107, 110
DICK: 18, 21, 29, 56, 66, 68, 76, 101, 107
DICKLICKER: 64
DICKS: 14, 35, 55
DIFFERENT: 43
DIPPING: 36
DIPSHIT: 73
DISCOVERED: 105
DISSING: 14
DOJO: 107
DOLLARS: 102
DONG: 18, 66, 81
DONGS: 19
DOOR: 73
DOPE: 54, 56, 69
DOUBLE-BOX: 36
DRESS: 58
DRUG: 93
DUES: 84
DURGLE: 14
EASTERN: 35
EATING: 13, 36
ECONOMY: 14
EDITOR: 97
EMAIL: 71
EMBRACES: 10
EMPIRE: 108
EUROPEAN: 35
EXECUTIVE: 56
EXERCISE: 37
EXPERT: 79
EXPLICITLY: 18
EXTENSION: 27
FACE: 71, 80, 95
FAILED: 37
FATNESS: 58
FAULT: 59
FICTION: 61
FILKING: 61
FINALLY: 11
FIRE: 54
FIRED: 32
FIRST: 107
FLICKED: 54
FLOOR: 53
FLOWER: 33
FOLKS: 53, 61, 79
FORCE: 78
FORTUNE: 66
FORUM: 71
FOUND: 38
FOUNTAIN: 17
FOUR: 67
FREAK: 54
FREE: 15
FRIES: 100
FUCK: 13, 18, 54, 73, 80, 93
FUCKING: 35, 53, 68, 73, 107
FUCKTOY: 44
FUCKWADS: 97
FUNCTION: 102
FUNNY: 56
GAGGLE: 56
GAKKKK: 77
GASKET: 25
GAYS: 61
GIVE: 35, 56, 70
GIVEN: 95
GLAHGLAGH: 35
GLUGHLGUH: 19
GODDAMNIT: 97
GOODBYE: 18
GOWN: 88
GRAPHIC: 64
GROIN: 71
GROUP: 83
GUESS: 78
GULF: 53
HABITS: 105
HAGGLE: 56
HAMMER: 44
HAND: 65
HANDS: 77
HAPPENS: 69
HAPPY: 29
HARD: 72
HATE: 35
HBLRTKTP&%: 103
HEAD: 25, 37, 58, 95
HELP: 65, 71, 88
HITLER: 13
HLGAHGLAG: 21
HOLD: 72, 93
HOLE: 76
HOMOPHOBES: 43
HOMOSEXUAL: 84
HOMPH: 52
HOMPTH: 103
HOOKERS: 69
HOPE: 53
HOSE: 89
HOUSES: 55
HUHHHHHHH: 34
123
HURGLE: 14
HURMPH: 21, 64, 67
HURRRRR: 34
HURRY: 34
IMPLICITLY: 18
IMPROV: 35
INDICATING: 49
INHALED: 54
INSIST: 20
INVITATION: 80
INVITING: 80
INVOLVED: 101
IRRATIONAL: 35
JERKING: 45
JERKOFF: 73
JEW-KABOB: 35
JOIN: 84
JOLLY: 100
JUDE: 113
JUGS: 57
KEEN: 66
KIDDING: 16, 104
KIDS: 104
KISS: 107
KISSING: 107
KNOCK: 103
KNOCKED: 113
KNOW: 20, 37, 70, 101
KOSOVO: 79
LAST: 36, 37
LDAP: UP, YOUR, FAT, ASS
LEARNING: 14
LESBIAN: 84
LIGHTER: 54
LIGHTLY: 107
LIKES: 105
LINK: 71
LIVED: 20
LIZARD: 38
LOAN: 29
LOOP: 15
LORD: 64
LOVE: 107
LUCKY: 11
MAGIC: 15
MARINES: 95
MEANINGS: 43
MELONS: 57
MEMBER: 102
MERRY: 43
MIND: 81
MINUTE: 35
MINUTES: 37, 104
MOON: 101
MOUTH: 17, 18, 68
MUCH: 53, 110
MUFFIN: 54
MURDER: 56
MURF: 52
MUST: 34
MUSTER: 45
NASA: 101
NECK: 77
NEED: 29, 60, 65, 83
NEITHER: 36
NESTING: 105
NEVER: 95, 107
NEWS: 53
NEWSGROUP: 60
NINETY: 104
NOTE: 49
NOTHING: 16
OATS: 104
OBSESSED: 26
ONGOING: 79
OPENED: 101
OPERATE: 54
ORDER: 34
OTHERWISE: 20
OVEN: 35
OVERRIDE: 102
PACE: 17
PANCAKES: 55
PANK: 67
PANTS: 11, 12, 13, 16, 21, 32, 34, 35, 37,
85, 54, 55, 58, 59, 60, 61, 77, 79, 88, 89, 93,
95, 96, 97, 103, 105, 110, 113
PAPER: 68, 113
PARCEL: 32
PARTICLE: 105
PARTICULAR: 35
PARTITION: 65
PARTY: 108
PASS: 107
PENIS: 44
PEOPLE: 14
PERL: 10
PERP: 34
PERTURBED: 11
PISS: 17, 78
PISSCAM: 72
PIZZA: 36, 59
PLACES: 20
PLASTICS: 104
PLATTER: 35
PLUH: 59
PLYWOOD: 38
POUCH: 36
POINTER: 18
POKE: 105
PRECIOUS: 34
PREGNANT: 83
PRETTY: 53
PRICING: 11
PRICK: 68
PRICKALINO: 105
PRICKS: 35, 67, 100
PRIVATE: 64
PROBES: 104
PROD: 105
PRODUCER: 56
PROJECT: 72
PROOF: 16
124
PROSTITUTE: 97
PROTRACTOR: 78
PUBLISH: 71
PUFFY: 11
PUMPED: 60
PUNCH: 97
PUNCHED: 37
PUSHING: 76
QUAKER: 104
QUIET: 95
QUISP: 104
RANDS: 10, 15, 19, 25, 26, 27, 29, 35, 37,
52, 57, 76, 80, 81
REACHING: 65
READING: 78
REASON: 35
REFRESHING: 17
REGARD: 11
REGULAR: 97
RESPECT: 14
RESPONDING: 32
REWARDS: 11
RING: 79
RIOT: 95
RIPENESS: 11
ROLLED: 76
ROUTE: 32
RUBBING: 113
SALARY: 12
SATURDAY: 78
SAUCES: 36
SCENES: 64
SCIENCE: 14
SCIENTIFIC: 83
SCRIPT: 35
SERIOUSLY: 10, 11, 44, 68, 80
SETTLING: 11
SHAKING: 11
SHELVE: 11
SHIPPING: 11
SHIT: 104
SHOES: 53, 58, 59
SHORT: 71
SILVER: 35
SISTA: 45
SITTING: 36
SITUATION: 35
SLICK: 53
SLIPPED: 54
SLOW: 89
SMOKE: 54, 69, 110
SMOKING: 56
SOAK: 89
SOLVE: 37
SOMEWHERE: 36
SORRY: 59
SOUND: 43, 79
SOUNDS: 43
SPACE: 101
SPELLING: 70
SPIGOT: 11, 13, 14, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 33,
34, 36, 37, 52, 53, 54, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61,
64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 76, 78,
79, 83, 84, 100, 101, 102, 103, 104, 113
SPILLED: 54
SPURT: 60
SQUEAK: 44
SQUISHED: 38
STABBING: 71
STAFF: 97
STAGE: 97
STALL: 53, 65
STAR: 18
STATE: 35, 45, 97, 108
STEADY: 72
STIFF: 35
STONED: 104
STORIES: 71
STRAIGHT: 37, 60, 95
STRAIN: 104
STRANGE: 107
STRING: 104
STROKE: 107
STUCK: 15, 68
STUFF: 104
STUPID: 14, 73
SUCK: 29, 107
SUPERVISE: 32
SWELLING: 37
SYNDROME: 53
TANTAMOUNT: 37
TEACHING: 77
TEXAS: 35
THBPBLGH: 103
THEN: 17, 78, 105
THICK: 76
THUMBS: 45
TIGHT: 77
TIME: 14, 36, 56, 77, 107
TODAY: 38, 104, 105
TOILET: 12, 49, 68
TOLERANCE: 14
TOWELS: 113
TRAINED: 49
TRAP: 10
TRIALS: 83
TRICK: 53
TWENTY: 37, 104
UGLY: 58
UNDER: 65
UNTANGLE: 27
URANIUM: 53
URMPH: 11, 19
USELESS: 97
VANILLA: 53
VIRTUAL: 102
VIRUS: 104
WAIT: 69
WALK: 36
WARM: 81
WARNING: 64
WATCHING: 13
WATER: 17
125
WEAPON: 34, 56
WEIRD: 10
WELCOME: 55
WHATEVER: 14
WHEELS: 54
WHOOPS: 36
WHORE: 53
WINTER: 81
WISH: 49
WOKE: 53
WOLF: 56
WORK: 44, 54, 66
WORKING: 104
WRITE: 60
YEAR: 104
COLOPHON
Cover design by T. Farnon
www.leisuretown.com
Introduction by Rands
www.randsinrepose.com
DOGSHIT.EXE
This is the Very Special Kickstarter Edition.
126
VERY SPECIAL THANKS
luis, who designed the logo
macki, for using racist middleware without complaining
Microsoft Corporation & Jim Woodring
Dr. Ernest J. Organs, M.D.
ozone
rotten.com
soylent
xihr, for compiling the glossary
idiots on Kickstarter
and the indigenous peoples of #jerkcity
mmm yeah ooh boy
127
ABOUT JERKCITY
Jerkcity is probably enjoyed by sreaders worldwide every single day
at www.jerkcity.com.
ABOUT THE PUBLISHER
To contact the publisher, write to Baby Milk Factory, c/o That
Goddamn Jerkcity Book, [email protected], USA.
PENIS PUMP
m
CORRIGENDUM
If your book did not come with a Christmas Tree Monster or
your Christmas Tree Monster arrived dead, please send e-mail to
[email protected].
®©&™
Where trademarked designations appear in this book, and where the
publisher was aware of a trademark claim, designations have been
printed all caps, mixed case or lowercase. Use of trademark terms is
in no way to be construed as detracting from their trademark status
or a diet of bugs, mostly crickets and snails.
128