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FROM THE EDITORS
Our themethisissueis sortof a doubletheme,
but thenagainit really isn't.
IntimacyandResponsibilityarewayswe live
out the feminineandmasculinevirtueswe all have,
whetherwo area womanor a man.
We areattemptingin this issueto rernindyou
of the Masculinoffeminineconceptif you'vo been
exposedto it before and to introduceyou to this
conceptif you've neverheardof it.
IntimacyandResponsibilityaretwo wordswe
in MarriageEncounterarefar morefamiliar with.
On the MarriageEncounterWeekendin the
Marriagein God's Planpresentation,
we sharehow
wearetryingtolive God'splanbybeingintimate
and
responsiblein our relationshipwith our spouse.
My (Gretchen)call to be intimate with Ken
alwaysmeansgoing awayfrom theprotectionof my
mask.BeingselfconfidsntandactinglikeI've always
got my acttogethermayhelpme bemoreresponsible
in our relationshipbut it can overlook,if not even
sometimesdestroyintimacy.
Living God'splan with Ken meansI mustbe
intimate (tnrst my feminine side) and responsible
(trustmy masculineside)asI movetowardunity in
my relationshipwith Ken.
As a man I (Ken) am often temptedto try to
solveproblemswith action and strength. If I can't
think it throughandfind a solutionI tendto backoff,
especiallywhenit involvesa relationalchallenge.
Being intimatemeansallowing our interactionsasmanandwomanto guideme andto form me
in whatto do. Thatmeanssharingthepart of me that
makesmemostvulnerable.I musttrustthatGretchen
andotherswill treatme with respectandunderstand
myneeds.Thereis a lot of responsibility
in thatalso,
but the real responsibilitycomesin looking at my
attitudesthat fuel my behavior. In order to stop
runningI must look at the fear andjudgementsdeep
within me aboutdeeprelationship.Why don'tI really
trustmyselfandGretchen?How canI makedecisions
,
Matrimonv
to staywith a difficult arealike sexualityor finances
andnot mentally or physically walk away?
Examinationof theseareasandmy behavior
often leadsto a betterunderstandingof myself and
how I handlethemasculineandfeminine virtuesthat
arepart of my being.
WhenI (Fr. Bill) becameaparl of the Marriage Encounter I started observing and noticing
marriedcouples- thenmypastinterestin themasculine andfernininetraits beganto takesomeform and
a renewedwonderment.
As the differentgenderjourneysof the husbandsandwiveswereofferedfor themarriedcouples
I noddedapprovinglyin my stronglogical, totally
objeotiveand decisivemanner. I was happy that
throughthesegenderjourneysfor the husbandand
wifo thecornmongoodof eachmariage relationship
wouldbeserved.I wasstronglycommittedtothisidea
of broadeningthe vision for our marriedcouples.
Then,Godblessthem,severalmarriedcouples
challenged
me,calledmeto getreal,toj ointhehuman
race.(Theysaidit moretenderlyandlovingly thanmy
strongmale interpretationsof their words). They
helpedme seeI too was being called to live the
journey.
AsI beganto softenthisstrongmalesideofme
I noticedpeople
werenot asquickto getoutofmy way
asthey caughtsightof me in the cornerof their eye.
I ratherliked that.However,from time to time (too
often) this klutzy, dernanding,dominatingmale surfaces.
I continually strugglewith the overly logical
approachto causesandlife. HereI somuchwantto
bemoreflexible,moreresponsiveandopento others
thoughtsandfeelings.I somuchwant to be morein
touchwith my feelings.
Some trialoguesI have with coupleshave
especiallyhelpedme. I get a betterglimpseof the
fl eshandbloodwaythisis lived in lives. I seeboththe
feminineandmasculinetrying to live the vocational
call to unity.
There are some powerful and challenging
articles in this issue. Our staff could sensethe
electricityaswe discussed
andironedout the theme
anddirectionwe would take.
Stepinto the Gapwith us! Enjoy!
lB
SUMMER 1994 VOL. 8, NO.3
FEATURES
PAGE
Spiritual Journeysof Man & Woman
in Marriage by Bob & Ethel Reber
A Wonderful Memory
by BiIf & Mary Anne Boylan
and Fr. Charlie Coulter
Editorial Staff:
I(en & GretchenLovingood
Fr. BiIl Ortmann
Dan & Yolanda Hirsch
Mike & Kathy Nyby
Lloyd & Lonnie'WaIIace
Love is a Many Lettered Thing
by Erik Lacitis
9
Meet Our Section6 Leadership Team 11
Larry & Sharon Albaugh
and Fr. Wayne Wheeler
Staff Artist:
Rick & SueBoryk
How God RevealsHis Love in Our Lives
by Jim & Margi Gregory
12
SomeThoughtson Divorce
by StephenGrosso
L4
Our Journey in Masculine/T'eminine 18
Spirituality by Ken & GretchenLovingood
Circulation l)epartment:
Bernard & Lisa Ela
Ed & Dee Graham (OutsideU.S.A.)
Mark Lovingood
Ed & BobbieThomas
Gifts
22
Ukranians Learn Marriage Encounter 23
by CatherineMc Cabe
U. S. SECRDTARTATTEAM
Bill & Mary Anne Boylan
Fr. Charlie Coulter
WorldwldeMerr.legeEncounte
1908East Highland, Suite A
DefiningManhood
by Fr. Patrick Hill
26
The Visit
by Ed & Rhonda Staats
29
A Marriage Encounter Awakening
bv John Sullivan
31
SenBernardino, CA 92404
MATRIMONY does not set polioy or determine practices in Worldwide lv{arriage Enoounter. Its purpose is to develop an increased awareness and appreciation of
the Sacraments oflvlatrimony and Holy Orders in the Church today. No part ofthispublication may be reproduced ortransmitted in any formwithout the permission
SantaRosaPl.,Santa
N{atrimonyispublishedquarterlybyWorldwide}vdarriageEnoounter,Inc. OfiiceofPublication:215
ofWorldwideMarriageEnoounter,Inc.
Barbara,CA 93109. AnnualSubsoriptionRate$10.00intheU.S.A.,$15.U.S.,inCanada&Mexioo; $20.U.S.,elsewhere.Send addresschaagestolVfatrimony,
19703. Submitallarticlestotheeditorsat2l5SantaRosaPl.,SantaBartara,CA 93109. Storiesshouldbe
ASignForTheChurch,P.O.Box4gT,Claymont,DE
"lighter" color photos can be considered.
typed, double spaced,on 8-l/2 X I I paper. Black and white pictures are preferred, however
Matrirnony
F'ROM OUR NATIONAL LEADERS
ffi ffi$ffiwwffiw$ffis$
Bill & Mary Anne and Fr. Charlie at the World
Councilmeetingin BuenosAires, Argentina.
DearFamily,
Mary Anne has often admittedthat shetook
meon ourWeekendbecauseshewantedto "whip me
into shape". What that really translated to was that she had a deep
longing for tendernessin our marriage,and at thattime, if I toldMary
Anne that I loved her on her birthday,
I figured that ought to hold her until
her next one. I laugh to myselfnow
as I recall that every birthday or
Christmas card that I gave Mary
Anne startedwith..."I know I don't
tell you enoughhow much you meanto me....". I
think they kept a supplyof thosecardsjust for me.
Oneof the manyplusesof our Weekendwas
it
that startedme on aj ourney. Aj ourneythattookme
from the masculinesideof Bill to the feminineside
thatrecognizedandunderstoodthevirtuesof gentleness,tenderness
andvulnerability. I wasa gteatone
for looking for logic and closurein our relationship.
My Mary Anne will seldomcomeright to thepoint.
It is importantfor her to setthe sceneandgive great
detaitson anythingwe arediscussing.Itusedto drive
me qazy. Now asI try to be responsibleandreally
listen,thereis apartof methatenjoyswatchingherput
flesh and warmth aroundwhat I may have seenas a
very sterileand straight-forwardsubject.
Many of "us guys" canbe reluctantabout
journeyingto thefemininesideof ourselves.I know
I wasafraidthatl wouldn't comeback. I haveshared
with many of you that wheneverMary Anne and I
talkedaboutsuchareasof ourrelationshipassexualI quicklyfell backon
ity, coupleprayeror tenderness,
4
my old standby"Mare, it may be easyfor someguys
to beopenin theseareas,butyouknowhon,I amjust
not that kind of guy."
Well, I have found out that with a lot of
patienceon Mary Anne'spaxtI canbe that "kind of
guy". I canbe responsibleandmakemyselfvulnerablein thoseareaswheremy masculinesidesaysbe
cool,andbein control. Whata differenceit makesin
our relationshipwhenI let the gentleandtenderside
ofme guidemybehavior.I amevenlookingfor cards
that aren't apologetic!
I havetalkedaboutmyj ourneyto thefeminine
sideof my selfbut while I wason myjourney, Mary
Annetookoneofher own. Shehasbeenexploringher
masculineside. Last week shetold me, Bill, stop
beatingaroundthe bush andjust tell
me what you want! God,I hopeshe
travelsbackto herfemininesidesoon.
Seriously,thereis alot to begainedfor
our relationshipwhenMary Anne exploresthe masculinevirtues that are
very much a part of her.
I couldn't closewithtelling
few
out
a
talesaboutourpal,Fr.
Charlie,andhis encounters
duringhis
journey to his feminineside. Like all goodpriests,
Charlie has been well trained to be independent,
logicalandvery consciousof time. You havemissed
anenjoyablesceneif youhaven'tseenCharliesquirm
in his chairif it takestoo long to cometo a decisionat
ameeting.And despitehis Irish charm,we know the
look that says"I think I will do that personbodily
harmif theydon't sit downwhenit's timeto beginthe
Eucharist." But despitetheyearsof training,wehave
seenCharlie step out and make himself extremely
wlnerablo.We watchhim purposefullybetenderand
thoughtful. The thankyou notesandthe phonecalls
of affirmation are not after-thoughtsfrom him but
positivestepsthathetakesto sayit's Fr. Charlie,and
I care.
Weaskthatallofyoutakethetimetoexplore
the masculineand feminine side of yourself. We
know that it will be ajourney worth taking.
With love andadmiration,
Bill, Mary Anne andFr.Charlie
Motrimony
JOUR}[EYS
SPIRTTUALJOUR}IEYS OF'MANAND WOMAN IN MARRIAGE
By Bob & Ethel Reber, Aptos,CA
It was towardsthe end of 1975, a yearand a
half sinceour first MarriageEncounterWeekend.We
wereservingasexecutivecoupleof theSanFrancisco
- SanJoseencounter.Therewasa senseof adventure
anddiscoveryin MarriageEncounterwhichresulted
inmanynewandexcitinginsightsinto
of
our relationshipandthe Sacrament
Matrimony.WehadbeenaskedbyFr.
ChuckGallagherto assisthim in giving a Deeper(TeamTraining)Weekendandhewascomingto ourhometo
reviewour talkswith us. We worked
especiallyhard on God's Plan for
MarriageandtheSundaytalks- Sacrament, Matrimonial Spirituality and
OpenandApostolicCouple.But Chuckonly wanted
to seethreeof our talks: Encounterwith Self,Marriage in the Modern World and our sex sharingin
AreasFor ReachingOut. He sawthosethreesharings
of theWeekend.' 'We go afterthe
asthecornerstones
man in Encounterwith Self, the womanin Marriage
in thoModernWorld andtheir relationshipin thesex
sharing.If they aren't shakenby thesetalks,therest
' It was
of theWeekendis simplya nice experience.'
true- I (Bob)hadbeenblown awayin Encounterwith
Self andI (Ethel)hadbeenzappedby Romanceand
Disillusionment.Thiswasamomentof discoveryfor
us aswe cameto thorealizationof an obviousfact of
life - Men andWomen are different.
In the 15+yearsthatMalriage Encorurterwas
our majorapostolate,
we wereblessedto work in the
formation and presentationof workshopson "PersonalityStyles", "Sex and Sexuality", "Values"
and "Masculine& Feininine". All
(andmore)have
of theseexperiences
had a profound andlasting effect on
us aspersonsand as a Matrimonied
Couple.In 1984we wereintroduced
to thework thatFr. RichardRohrwas
doing on the differencesin men and
women.Both heandJohnSanfordin
his book "Invisiblo Parfirers"were
exploringhow the male andfernale
in eachof us affectsour relationships.Much of their
material wasbasedon the work of Carl Jung which
examinedthe masculinedimensionin a woman and
the fsminine dimensionin a man.
As wereadandsharedabouttheanimaandthe
animusit becameclear that when we were having
strongdisagreements(our most difficult confrontations) - it wasEthel's animusandBob's animathat
wouldtakeover.Theseconfrontations
couldbocomo
nasty,hurtful andrarelyweretheyproductive.Ethel
would pursueandbecomevery aggressiveandBob
Matrimony
JOURNEYS
would rotreatandwantto avoidit. Knowingthis,we
have learnedto disagreein a far more constructive
way and to recognizewhen one or both of us are
falling into this trap.
Richard Rohr taught that a man's and a
woman's spiritualjourneyswere different and that
they dependedon a processof integrationof the
masculineandfemininein eachofus. As dialoguing
couplesbegan to explore this area,they came to
awarenesses
andinsightsoutof theirIivedexperience
that broughtboth lasting changeand drew thernto
greateronenessin mind, heart and affection. We
journey is key to
believe this masculine/feminine
individualspiritual$owth andto MatrimonialSpirituality. It is ajourneyto wholeness
whichis holiness
andto unity which is God'sPlanfor us.
IIAS A MAN AND A WOMAN WE EACH
POS S E S S BOT H MA S C U L IN E AND
FEMININE VIRTUES!I'
Learninghowto confrontconstructivelywithconcern
for theotherperson(s)andtherelationshiphasbeena
positivestepfor me. I alsorecognizedthatat times
andin certainaroas,especiallywhereI perceivedthat
Ethel was in control,I could becomesubjectto the
negativefernininebehaviors
ofbeingthe"martyr" or
"saying
of
yesbut living no".
I (Ethel) haveespeciallyseengowth in our
parentingbrought aboutprimarily by my allowing
Bob to be father and to exercisetough love when
needed. As husband,Bob servesand caresfor his
family by providingintelligent,sensitiveleadership.
In a similar way, I have learnedto encourageand
supportBobin ourleadership
roles.In ourearlierdays
in MarriageEncounterleadership,Iwasoverlyconcernedaboutpeoples'
opinionof us,andespeciallyof
mo.I wouldallow Bob to go out on thepoint, let him
taketherisks,andthenI would criticizehis approach.
NowI ammorewilling to risk, to takea stand,andto
confrontwhennecessary
in my fsmininestyle. This
behaviorchangeallowsBob, who oftentakeson the
responsibilityof confrontation,
to belessreactiveandto bemore
sensitiveto what'sgoingonwith
thepeople.
In our sexualrelationshipthere
have been many life-giving
changes.We havecometo recognizethe value of approaching
all of life from both a masculine
anda feminineperspective- not
right or wrong,goodorbad,but simplydifferurt. Bob
has developeda greatertendernesswith me and
awarenessof my needs,and I can now see our
lovernakingfrom his perspectiveas lover and husband,not simplyfrommyownviewandmydesireto
be in control. As we have grown in intimacy and
responsibility;the result hasbeena love that gives
freedom,thatseeksandgrantsforgiveness,
thatcherishesandhonors.
Scripturetells us that God
createdhumankindin His imagemale and female. As man and
womanwe eachpossess
bothmasculineandfemininevirtues. Jesus
is our model,perfectlyintegrating
the positive feminine qualitiesof
nurturingand compassion(tender
love) into the positive masculine
qualitiesof righteousness
and courage(toughlove).
As I (Ethel)haveattemptedto integratethepositive
masculinequalitiesinto my femininespirituality,I
havebeenableto helpBobbecomemoresensitive,
yet
still the strongman. Bob is helpingme to becomea
deeplyfeminineyet strongwoman. We areworking
at complementing
oneanotherasopposedto our old
styleof competingwith oneanother.
WhenI (Bob) comparedmy spiritualitywith
Ethel'sI felt really inadequate.Comingto recognize
that asmanI havemy own spiritualityhasreally set ".......
NOT RrGHT ORWRONG, GOOD
mefreeto growandstoptryingto competewith Ethel.
I beganto recognizehow the negativemasculine oR BAD, SIMPLY DIFFERENT!"
behaviorof "fight or flight" (kill or quit) would
As we continue our spiritual journeys asman,
controlmybehaviorespeciallyin difficult situations.
Matimony
THE CHOSEN
JOURNEYS
AWONDERFUL MEMORY
aswoman, asmatrimonied couple,we are growing i
our understanding and acceptanceof one another,
who we are in God's creation - a son and daughter
the Father. In our world today,wheremarriageand
by
family areunderattack,we shouldnotbesurprised
the difficulties we faceor the timesthat we will fail
one another. Jesushaspromised the gift of His
amidst the trials in our marriage, family life and
work in the Church. The challengeis to make J
Lord of our lives andLord of our marriage.It is
prayerlife andyieldingto thepowerof theHoly Spirit
thatmakesthis deeper spiritualj ourneypossible.
resultsarea strongfaith, greatertrustin God(and
another) and courage to seek and speak the truth.
"
Finally, wo witnessto the promisesof Jesus;that
camesothatwewouldhavelife to thefull andthat
joy mightbe complete".
Editor'snote: Bob andEthel Reberresidein Aptos,
California. They havothreoadultchildren,onewho
is married, and three grand children. They are acti'
mernbersof HolyEucharistParish.In their 15
of activeministryin MarriageEncounter(from 197
to 1989), Bob andEthel servedasExecutiveTeam
the SanFranciscoBay Area andlater for theM
Bay Area. Theyworkedwith Fr. ChuckGallagherin
theMatrimonyResourcePrograms,onValuesWeekends,TeamTraining andservedasSection12 cootdinatingTeamCouple.From 1989 through1994 $ey
EngagedEncounterWeekends.Together
presented
thoy are involved in Respect Life in their di
while Bob is on the National ServiceCouncil
Christiansin CommerceandEthel is on the Servi
Team of Monterey Bay Area Magnificat. They are
currently working to developnow programs for marriage enrichment and leadershiptraining'
RecommendedReferences:
l\ THE INI/ISIBLE PARTNERS - (PaulistPress)b
JohnSanford
2) A MAN'S APPROACH TO GOD - (4tapes/St.
AnthonyMessengerPress)by RiohardRohr
3\ I0 WEEKSTOA BETTERMARNAGE- (Servant
Pub.)by Cirner
4) THE CHNSTIAN COUPLE - (BethanY
Pub.)by Christenson
byDr.
5) LOVEFORA LIFETIME-(QuestarPub.)
JamesDobson
lB
Section14 SelectionProcess
by Bill & Mary AnneBoylanandFr. CharlieCoulter
Whenthethreeofus werecalledforth asyour
nationalleaders,we prayedfor waysto be intimate
with you, our very preciousandvery large family.
This pastweekendwe facilitatedthediscernment processthat called forth new leadershipfor
Section 14. We hadthe absoluteprivilegeof loving
andbeinglovedby our Section14Spanishfamily. It
wasrefreshing,renewingandtouching.Rightnowwe
areon a planeflyrng hometo Nebraska(Fr. Charlie)
andPennsylvania(Mary Anne andBill) with memoriesof........
Monsignor Carlos, Salvadore,Lupita, Bill,
Mary Anne andFr. Charlieenjoyng the spontaneity
of apizzafor dinneron the floor in Sal andLupita's
hotelroomonFridayevening.MonsignorCarlosand
Fr. Charlieareof courseon low fat dietssotheyeach
only had 2 or 3 healthy pieces of the pizza with
pepperoni.
A Friday eveningof prayer filled the room
with tnrst and openness.Each of your Section14
spoketheir earnestwishtoallow God
representatives
to us€ them whereverHe chose.The setting was
beautifuland the peacein the room told us that tho
morrow's processwould be lifegiving to the entire
encounter.
The morning found three nervous anglos
(Charlie,Mary AnneandBill) worryingif theycould
be who our Spanishfamily neededat that momont.
After explainingthe flow of the daywe took time to
say "Thank you" to Monsignor Carlos, Sal and
Lupita for all the energyand love they pouredinto
Section14 duringtheir leadership.We thenhad the
Section14boardlook at anybaggageor barriersthey
mighthavethatwouldpreventthemfrombeingopen
duringthe SelectionProcess.After praylng for the
gracesthatweall needed,writtennominationsyielded
7 wonderful coupleswho the community saw as
having the gifts neededby Section14 at this time.
Thesecoupleswerethengiven sometime to discern
whetheror not they were ableto sayyesto possible
7 said''YES". Wo wereoverjoyed
leadership.1JJ-L
Matrimony
THE CHOSBN
that so many were willing to stepforward and say,
"Here we areLord if you
wantus, we arewilling".
Now when you combinedthesegifted coupleswith
the4 exceptionalpriests
who hadsaid"yes" earlier,
you camc out with 28 possiblo ecclesialteamsthat
were eligible for selection. We thought we would
need2moreblaclfioardsjust to fit thenames!Each
coupleandpriest spokeindividually to tell us all of
their dreamsand hopesfor Section14. They were
eloquentandinspiring. We forurdourselvesthinking
thatanyof thesecouplesandpriestswouldbe agreat
choicefor leadership.We alsoweregladthatwewere
not oneof the oneswho had to makea choice.
As theprocesscontinued,we stoodin aweat
thegentleness
andgraceof all of thenomineesasthe
selectionnarrowedto 2 coupleswhowouldservewith
Fr. David who appearedas the priest with both
couples.At this point we thoughttheprocessmight
lastforeverbecause
theballotingwassoolose.But the
community,includingthetwo couples,saida simple
majority would bo eiroughandtheycouldandwould
supportwhomeverwasselected.We can'tremember
feelingsomuchjoy andlovo in onoroom. Well one
more ballot called forth Arturo, Angelica and Fr.
David andwhile the room brokeinto loud applause,
no one applaudedlouder or longer than the other
nominees,particularly Juanand Sanjuanawho had
madethernselvesso vulnerablethroughoutthe process.FatherJuanashewasheadingoutthedoorto go
backto hisparish,rerrindedall prese,nt
thattheirnew
teamwasgoingto needall the supporttheycouldget
andthey could dependon it!
A picture that will stayin our heartsforeveris
all of our Section14family serenadingus
to thesong
"Amigo" aswe wereleaving
for the airport.
Thinkingof thatmomentandthediscernment
fornewleadershipin Section14,wo canbestdescribe
it asa weekendfull of "Holy Ground" experieirces.
We journeyedtogetherin faith and in the spirit, we
sharedstories,we laughedas Bill, Mary Anne and
Charlieput Irish accentson all your wonderfulSpanish names. You and we risked to touch andnot let
languageor formality be a barrier to beinggenuine
family.
We oftentell ourbelovedUnited StatesSecretariat Council that we three do not want to be
"they". We wantto "press
theflesh" with our dear
family andbe connectedas Section,as areasand as
National - all working to make ono very special
dreamcometrue.
Thanks,Sal,Lupita andMsgr. Carlosfor the
privilege andpleasureof your company.Thanksalso
for the way you make sure we are not ..theys" in
Section14.
Thanksalsoto Rudy & CteoTamezfor being
our specialguardianangelsandtranslatingforus all
weekend.
Welcometo theU. S.Secretariat
familyto our
brandnew Section14 leaders:Arturo, Angelica and
PadreDavid.
FOREWRREMEMBER ASAS
LOVINGYOA!
YOUHAVE NOT CHOSENME,
I HAYE CHOSENYOU!
Matrimony
LIVING THE LIFB
LOVE ISA MANY LETTERED THING
by Erik Lacitis
(Reprintedwith pennissionfrom the Seattle,WashingtonTimes.)
This is the kind of storywomenclip out and
put on therefrigeratordoorfor their spouses
to rsad.
Thisis thekind of storythatguyshopejustkind offalls
off the refrigeratordoor and down the garbagedisposal.
It's a Valentine'sDay story about loe and
HelenHesketh,both 61, who've beenwriting daily
love lettersto eachotherfor thepast20 years.
Time to talk about...
That'sright guys,it's thattime of yearagain,
time to talk aboutwhat womenlove to talk about.
Your f-f-f-e-e-e-...f-f-f-e-e-e...
Let's turn off ESPN
andtry again.
That's right, guys,it's that time to talk about
whatwomenlove to talk about.F-f-f-f-f-:o-e-l...
today...."
OK, maybethat wasn't exactly dripping in
romance,but give foe a chance.He wenton: "being
in love with you is a dreamfeeling...it'sfun at times
to watchyou work, undress,dross,exercise- just to
concentrate
onyou...mayI cherishyou always...your
love..."
And how doesHelerrreactto sucha letter?
"Any wife whoreceivesa letter
or a notethat
you
lets
know he cares,it givesher a specialfeeling.
You don't feel takenfor granted.You feel moreof a
desirefor him," shesaid.
I think you know what she'sgettingat.
The Heskeths,who areCatholics,decidedto
startwriting the lettersafter going to a church-sponsored"marriage encounter,"where couplestry to
rekindle thoseold flames. By then they had been
married19yearsandhad eight children.
By then,therehadbeena few occasions
when
Helenhadwalkedoutofthehousesaying,she'dnever
Feelings!
comeback.Backthe,n,Joeworkedhardathisj ob,she
Now, don't you feelbetter,havingbeenableto sayit, wasat homowith the children. Showantedto talk to
andlookingforwardto, say,sittingthere,for anentiro anadultwhe,nJoegot home,he wantedto sit andread
paper,
and
Helen
simmered.
unintemrpted,unceasing,unendingeveningof talk- tho
You know that story.
ing aboutyour relationship?Whoo-whee!
Sothe coupledecidedto write lettersto each
Butthink aboutitthisway,guys.JoeHesketh
hasmanagedto do this for two decades.And ashe other overy day. No long letters,just somenotes
take 10minutesadayto write, on a topiclike,
pointsout, "There area lot ofbenefits.It might eveir that'8
"What quality of yours am I most thankful
for
improveyou sexlife."
today?"
Let's do tho math. Threehundredsixty-five
times20 equals7,300lettersthatJoeandHelenhave
Scrupulous about writin g
eachwritten.
Here's the kind of stuff that Joe Hesketh
In their Bellevuehome, the Heskethsnow
writes. He's a salesmanagerfor an office supply
company,sodon't expecthighliterarystyle.'' It' sthe have boxesand boxesof notebooksfilled with 20
years'worth of letters.Exceptfor amonthin thefirst
thoughtthat counts," Joesaid.
yearofwriting letters,andonetimo whenthey stayed
out too late,they'vebeenscrupulousaboutthe love
This wasin May 1978:
notes. Not evenwhenJoehad open-heartsurgeryin
"My Dearestlove, your specialness
is your 1985did they stopwriting.
At 6 in the morning, before going into the
hardwork cleaningboth at the office (whereHelen
operating
room,JoereadwhatHelenhadwritten: "I
helpsout) and at home. Thankfor your cleanliness
Matrimonv
LIVING THE LIFE
really do love you andI'm sorryif I don't showyou
thislove anddevotionmoreoften...howgoodyou are
andspecialyouare...I feelproudandtrustedtobeyorr
wife..."
Wakingup from theoperation,hemanagedto
scribble, "My dearestlover. Your specialness
is
beinghereat my side...Ilove you."
Theykeepwriting theirnotes,aboutthegood
times,andthe bad times.
Helen has told Joe, "I think we've gotten
awayfrom beingintimate.Weusedto becarefreeand
happy. Now I seeus burdenedandtroubled."
Joehastold Helen,"Except for a fewpassing
thoughts,I havonot solicitedyour lovely
sexualways...it'seasyto rationalize...we're
busy,
etc...I'mwilling to try if you axe..."
Somehowit's all worked out for them,becausethentherewill be the lettersin which Joetells
Helen, "Thanks for you tendercaresses,
the tender
'
look in yourbeautifulblueeyes,' andHelentellsJoe,
"Your specialness
todayis your relaxedmannerand
takingtime for us - thanks- I love you."
Ready for Valentine's Day guys? Please,
don't botherphoningin your thanksfor plantingthis
ideawith your spouses.
(@1994 SeattleTimes, Erik Lacitis, Times staff
columnist)
t!
1995MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER
National Convention
Place: ConventionCenter- Denver,Colorado
Date: June30 - July 2,1995
Theme: CONTINUING OUR JOURNEy:
COME TO TI{E MOUNTAIN
Prayer:
Loving FATIIER-AND-MOTHER of us all,
We praiseand thank you for gracingus
with the majesty of the mountains,the simple
beautyof theplains,andthewide expanseof the
oceans.We thankyou for thegifts of forestsand
sunsets,for lakesand all living croatures. But
mostof all, we thankyoufor Jesusandfor others
who love!
You are constantlycalling us to journey
back to you. You havegiven us eachother as
signsalongour way. Let your Spirit guideus in
our imaginations and our fantasies - let our
dreamssoar as we prep.re for the coming togetherof our MarriageEncounterfamily. Let all
ourinhibitions andfearsdisappearaswe striveto
make our hopescome into being. Give us the
strength,courage,andinsightwe will need,aswe
work to bring our vision to reality. Help us to
make the beautyand wonder of your kingdom
knownto all humankind.Let usbeyour compassionateheartandloving hands,aswe reachout to
our family. Guardour stepsand strengthenolr
heartswhen they falter. Guide our convention
preparation,so that when we cometogetheron
themorurtainwemay truly fi nd you in eachother
and showyour love to the world.
This we ask in the namo of Jesus,our
Brother. Amen.
MARKYOUR CALENDAR!
Helen and JoeHesketh
Matrimony
MEET OUR SBCTION 6 LEADERSHIPTEAM
We are Larry and Sharon Albaugh and Fr.
Wayne Wheeler. Wohave theprivilege and opportunity to represent Section VI at the Secretariat. We,
Latry and Sharon,have three wonderful sons: Jason
13, Matthew 9, and Geoffrey 3. In our family we
experience teenage,pre-teen and toddler problems
and joys all at the same time. This added with
Marriage Encounter leadershipmakesour household
very busy but very happy. Our backgrounds are very
different. I (Larry) am an only child and although my
parents have a great faith, I did not grow up in a
church-going background. I converted to Catholicism shortly after wo met. I (Sharon)am one of seven
children brought up in a Catholic family. Not only
was I gifted with a close family but I had a very large
and close extendedfamily nearby.
As with all couples our journey to Marriage
Encounterwas unique. We actually becameexposed
to Marriage Encounter before we were married. We
made an Engaged Encounter. It was a wonderful
weekend and it was there we learned to share our
feelingsin letters. Our conversationswere intimate as
we sharedour hopes and dreams. It was during this
weekendthat the seedwasplantedto make a Marriage
Encounter Weekend. After we were married and
beganto have a family, the responsibility setin. This
seemed heavy and businessJike compared to our
carefreeandintimate conversations.About sevenand
ll2 years after we were married, we made our Marriage EncounterWeekend. It was at that weekendthat
we rediscoveredour intimate relationship.We learned
thatresponsibilitydid not haveto be heavyif it was
cornbinedwith intimacy. At our first community
night, guesswho greetedus at the door - the couple
whopresented
ourEngagedEncounterweekend.We
(Incidentally,
feltathomo.
thewife grewupnextdoor
to Fr. Wayne)
Our daily dialogueis a key part of our intimate/responsiblerolationship.
If oneofus sharesthat
we feel overburdened,it is a sign that we must reevaluateourresponsibilityto eachother. Maybeone
of us is not carryingour weightor maybeoneof us is
beingovercriticalandnot sharingtheburden.If one
ofus shares
we arelonolyor sharesa longingfor days
gonepast,we know we must work on our intimacy.
We arejust not spendingenoughtime on us.
I(Fr. Wayne)am the oldestof five boysborn
to WayneandElizabethWheeler(bothof my parents
convertedto Catholicismjust before I was born!
Thanksbe to God!). Responsibilityis somethingto
which I havegrown very accustomed.From baby
sittingmy brothers,to leadershipin theclassroom
and
Boy Scouts,to trainingAltar Servers,to leadership
rolesin theSerninaryandCollege,to parish,diocesan
andMarriageEncounterroles,I havobeenresponsible.But,with ordination,cameanew " responsibility". Intimacy. Responsibilitycamefrom my head
whereI operatedmostcomfortably,but intimacyhas
to comefrom the heart. While I caredfor ideals,
principlesand peoplepassionately,it was still not
intimacy.Like a mighty warrior,I couldcarefor the
peopleandthingsfor whichl wasresponsible,
butthe
Matrimony
l1
SECTION 6 LEADERSHIP
AN{{IAZINGGRACE
tenderness,the compassion,the nurturing of relationship that arepart andparcel of intimacy were not gifts
that came to me naturally. Marriage Encounter has
helpedto openmy eyesto the possibility of a passionate "love affair" with the people for whom I am
responsibleand, becauseof the coupleswith whoml
work and especially becauseof my Ecclesial Team
relationships, I have learned to tap into the innate
powors of intimacy that are so wonderfully lived out
in the relationships around me by the wives and
mothers. They called me to softenthe warrior within
that I might be truly responsible as a father to my
people and a loving spouseto my parish.
As an ecclesial team our telephonecalls and
get-togethersare a key part of our intimate relationship. We often begin our conversationsnot with
businessbut a sharing of where we aro in our world.
Our world revolves aroundour boys andwhat they are
doing. Fr. Wayne's world involves his parish and
parishioners. We pray for each other and those we
eachlove. Our responsibility comesfrom nevermaking a major decision without calling Fr. Wayne. His
responsibility is to always call us back to the principles of the weekend whenever we have to make a
decision, calling us back to communicating deeply
with one another, calling us to risk and to make a
decisionto love.
As leaders, we must be intimate with the
couples in our section, by sharing with them. Our
phone conversationsaro often long, aswe try to share
with them who they are, who we are, and who they
lead. Not just the facts, but rather areal concernfor
them and the people they serve. This intimacy is
important as we call them to responsibilities to the
values and mission of Worldwide Marriage Encounter. Fortunately, we have great couples who more
often than not call us to responsibility and intimacy.
They arnazeus with their love and dedication to
Changing the World. They are among the most
generous,spirit filled coupleswe have evermet. We
are blessedto have the opportunity to serve Section
VI.
IB
t2
HOW GOD REVEALS HIS LOVE IN
OUR LIVES
by Jim & Margi Gregory, Sewickley,pA
ThephonerangearlyonFridaymorning.The
Marriage Encounter prayer chain was asking for
prayersfor the elderly father of ono of our team
couples.MaryLo cante'sfatherhadbeenrushedto the
hospital. Mary andLou werethe "admin', teamon
the weekendthat wasto begin that evening. Jim and
I prayedfor thewholefamily. In thebackof ourminds
we eachrealizedthatanotherteammight haveto take
their place. We did not want to be that couplo!We
were too worried and distractedto be presentto
anyoneon the weekend.The businessandfinancial
concernsthat have plaguedus for four yearswere
drainingus. The eveningbeforewe hadexperienced
anothermajor setback.Webothfelt numbandbruised
atthesametime. It wasasif wehadbeenin anintense
Rocky-typeboxingmatchwherewo werebeatenand
bloodied,on the ropes,t:ring to pull ourselvestogether,andthenwe werejumped from behind!
Mary's fatherwastoo ill for therntoleavehis
side. No other team couple was able to replacethem
the weekend. We decided that we had to say
"yes". At the moment
of our "yes", a small quiet
thoughtcameto my mind. "You take careof My
kingdomand I will take careof you." A senseof
peacecameover both of us. Our weekendwas in
God's hands. We focusedour energy on the 27
couplescomingto the weekend. Therewere many
phonecallsaswe tried to rearrangewho wasto pick
up the teampriestat the airportandall the otherlast
minutedetailsthathad to be reconsidered.
We receiveda call from Fr. GregAltermatt,
our teampriest,who wasflying in from Connecticut.
His Connecticutto Pittsburghflight hadbeendelayed
because
ofamajorsnowstorm.Hewasanxioustoget
to theweekendandtook a flight to Bostonbelieving
thathe couldconnectwith a flight to pittsburgh. To
his dismay,theBostonairportwasthenclosed.The
first flight out would be early on Saturdaymorning.
He wasstranded
in theBostonairportwith noplaceto
spendthe night. We gavehim Bill andMary Anne
Matrimony
AMIAZING GRACE
Boylan's nurnber in Philadelphia. They knew all of
thecontactcouplesin theBo stonarea.By God' sgrace
Bill and Mary Anne were home. With a few phone
calls they were able to find a couple who could get to
Fr. Greg and bring him to their home. What are the
chancesof all thathappeningon avery snowyFriday
evening?
We tried to reachthe couplewho was going to
the airport to meet Fr. Greg but theyhad already left.
We also put calls out to seeif a priest from a nearby
areacould drive in for the Friday night presentations.
Two of our team priests were due in from far away
placeson Saturdayevening-no help there! We drove
to the weekendwith the belief that we were clearlyin
God's hands and all would be well. Ruth and Rick
came from the airport where they had spentthe past
three hours. The flight arrived from Connecticutand
Fr. Greg was not on board. 27 couplesarrivedfor the
weekend. The hotel was overbooked. For some
strangereasonthey did not have a room for our priest
but assuredus that one would be available on Saturday.
We gave the introduction and explained Fr.
Greg's delay. Saturdaymorning brought us the news
that he was still in Boston. We still had a peaceful
sense. The coupleswere getting into the weekend.
Margi and I were immersed in every aspect of the
weekend; keeping time and looking ahead to talks
where the priest had some specificpoint to teach. It
was Ruth & Rick' s first weekendasapresentingteam.
They reminded us that their workshop couple had
given them confidenceby telling them not to worry
"the priestwould coverthatpart of the talk"
because
and here they were sitting up at the table alone. Dan
andCindi had moved in from anotherareaandhadnot
done a weekendfor a while. No team couple could
replace a priest but we tried to cover the gap. The
couples on the weekend were working and did not
know what was missing. We sat in the front row and
when a teachingpart cameup that Father would have
covered w€ stood up and spoke. It was a unique
experience.
Fr. Greg arrived after dinner on Saturday.
Thank you God! He slipped comfortably into the
weekend and gracedus all with his sensitivity and
dedication. It was a wonderful Marriage Encounter
weekend. God was working in mysterious ways.
Our entire team received a lessonin trust that
God is intimately involved with the details of our
lives. When Fr. Greg learnedthat his flight had made
it to Pittsburgh he wondered about his trust in God's
providence. Personally,Jim andl felthuggedby God.
We were gifted by a weekendthat we did not expect.
We were li fted out of our personalconcerns. After Fr.
Greg arrived we could relax. Our Sunday90 & 90 was
another grace. We were able to refocus on what is
important in our lives. What a gift in the midst of our
turmoil! We also realized that this weekend was the
twenty-third anniversary of the first weekend we
presentedin Philadelphia!Do you believe in "coincidences"? We felt doubly huggedby Our Father.
Just as the weekend was ending, one of the
couples,Sue and Joe, received a phone call telling
them that the husband of the couple that recruited
them had beenhospitalized. Would they cometo visit
him? That husbandwas Tony Strasizarof Tony and
Sue. Tony had heard about the Marriage Encounter
weekendat a pulpit talk at our Worl d Marriage D ay in
1990. He was in remissionfrom a bout with cancer.
Tony and Sue wanted to do something special for
themselves. They went on the March '90 weekend
and became involved in giving weekends. Sue and
Tony had an intensedesireto recruit a whole band of
their friends aswell astherest of the world. They also
organized our World Marriage Day celebrations.
Last year Tony's cancerrecurred. Tony and
Suenevergaveup. They continuedtogive weekends
and recruit up until that weekend. That Sunday
evening,whi ch wasWorl d Marriage D ay, SueandJoe
were able to visit with Tony and Sue at the hospital.
Tony was unable to talk but he was able to listen as
they related how the weekend had deeply touched
them.
Tony went back to our Father on Monday,
Feb. 14, 1994.
Mary's dad returnedto God on Tuesday,Feb.
15th.
27 couplesbegantheir first week of Dialogue
with renewedhope for their relationships.
It is amazinghow God revealsHis love for His
people!
Matrimony
E
l3
WORLD'S PLAIIVS GOD'SPLAI{
reaching deep into the relationship. Some couples
endure a problem without solution rather than do
SOME THOUGHTS ON DIVORCE
anything about it, which is a mistake. Some couples
are hopeful that the problem will go away of itself if
by StephenGrosso Walton, New York
oneis patientenough.Well yes,but mostly not. Yes,
if theproblernis a superficialone. No, if theproblem
Divorce has to do with people who, having
is deep and potentially divisive. The couple has to
entereda relationship of mutual consentand public
decide whether it is worth fighting or negotiating
commitment,now decideto endthatrelationship.To
over.
end a relationshipof such close intimacy, for whatWe come at last to couples who see their
ever reason, means pulling apart some very finely
problem
asinsurmountable. They arc persuadedthat
woven threads which hold together the relationship,
there
is
no
reasonto hope that their marriage can ever
however imperfectly, just asbonesandligamentsand
maderight. To suchpeople the marriageis over,
flesh hold together a body. That is why there is so be
they had best get out of it. The question I am
and
much pain in divorce. The pain incurred is due not
bound to ask is, have they done enough to savetheir
only to pulling apart from the physical presencebut
marriage? Statistics say that one out of every three
also from the psychological and spiritual connection
married couplesis headedfor divorce. Why should
thatjoins two people. For that matter,as I seeit, all
suchathingbe? I thinkbecausethemajority ofpeople
relationships,including friendships,arenot onlypsyare wedded to the spirit of our times. This spirit
chological and spiritual in nature but also physical
requirespragmatic gratification on everything we lay
even when innocently platonic.
hands,on from sex,to food or career.Everything must
Why do couplesdivorce? But first let me try
culminatein somesortofultimate gratification. As a
to say why I think couplesstay together. Jesussays
consequencewhen difficulties arise, as they inevitathat the man and woman in marriage are to become
bly
do,thespongeis thrown in.
one. This doesnot meanthe man andwoman should
But what happenswhen children areinvolved?
be clonesof each other. It meansthey are to live in
If
the
man
and woman suing for divorce are sensitive
harmony with eachother. Harmony in music is when
in any degree,their divorce will
and compassionate
musical instruments come together fittingly each
greater
pain
entail far
andhurt if their flesh andblood
contributing and enhancing the music. But before
involved.
For then the physical and
are
children
harmony existsbetweentwo peopletheremustbe the
psychological and spiritual tearing and pulling apart
will to work together. The will to work together
includesnot only the man and the woman involved in
ffanslatesinto the will to love eachother. This will
the dispute, it also includes children, innocent chilmust exist if thereis to be harmony,andultimately,if
dren, who know nothing about marital incompatibilthereis to be enduringlove.
ity or mental cruelty or adultery.
On the other hand, the argument favoring
I'THE COUPLB HAS TO DECIDE
divorce, eventhough children are involved, goeslike
FIGHTING
IS
WORTH
IT
WHETHER
this: coupleswho hate eachotherbut staytogetherfor
the sakeof the children often do more harm by forcing
OR NEGOTIATING OVER''
childrento live in a climate of dissension,hatred,and
animosity. It is asif this climate were an impersonal
Why then do couples divorce? Simply beplague
the
to
live
or contagion visited on the couples against
point
relinquish
will
couples
causeat some
which they are helpless. But is it tnre that forcing
in harmony with eachother. Or, to put it anotherway,
childrento live in sucha climatemakesdivorcea good
they havenot negotiatedthep artsthey areto play with
choice? Yes, it would be true if the couplessimply
each other in order to achieve this harmony. The
couple's theaterof disagreementand dissensionhas gaveup on eachother! On the otherhand,it seemsto
grown. Any number ofproblemsmay havedeveloped me that for the sakeof the children, the couple should
t4
Matrimony
WORLD'S PLANVS GOD'S PLAII
work to come together in hard negotiation to resolve
their differences, no matter how difficult or painful.
Yes, but many psychotherapistssaythat there
are couples of such radical incompatibility that there
is no hope their relationship canpossibly be saved.Is
this truo? I suspectthero are suchrelationships. But
where doesone draw the line? And have couplestruly
done all they can to resolve their differences,at least
to a point that enablesthem to go on with their life?
Finally, is there a way to avoid the dreadful
alternative of divorce especially when children are
involved? I think there is. Indeed I am convinced
there is, although no doubtregardedas out offashion
by the society of our times. It is the way of radical
prayer. Let me say, I have absolute faith in prayer,
b ecauseI have seenit work for married p eople,indeed
I have seenit work in my own marriage.
''NOW
PRAYER SIMPLY MEANS
YOUR
IN
GOD
INVOLVING
RELATIONSHIP''.
marriage is a sacrament. Now if marriage is a
it involvesGod,andif it involvesGod,God
sacrament
plays a part in the marriage. The marriage then,
accordingto theChurch,is opento the graceof God.
Whatis grace?Graceis simplyGod'sspirit actingin
usandguidingus. God's spirittheninforms,sustains,
and guidesa couple'srelationship. If so, then the
marriagebecomesa collaborationbetweenGod and
the couple. In sucha relationshipthe couple'sdifficulties as they arise are continually temperedand
arbitratedin thelight of God'sspirit. HeretheChurch
insiststhatif thecouple'srelationshipincludesGodit
will do well, it will bearfruit, andit will last.
What divorcesaysis that the couplehaving
met with difficulties in their marriage they cannot
resolvehasno rocoursebut to quit it. If believersaro
involvedandthistakesplace,whatit confesses
is that
God'sspirit,or if you will, God'sgtace,is powerless
to act in them. But is it? RepeatedlyI have seen
marriageson the point of shipwreckrestored,repaired, brought back from tho dead, so to speak.
Indeed,unlesstherelationshiphasreachedapoint of
-- if thereis sucha thing! -- the
irrevocabledeadness
relationshipcanbe, andindeedit is, revivedby God.
In fact, let me say, all marriagesare continually
renewedand revived becausethey are always in
dangerof disrepair.
The spirit of God brings us back to what
attractedus in thefirst placo.We tendto forget,after
we havebeenmarrieda period of time, all the good
we
thingswe sawduringour courtshipdays,because
havebecomefocussedon the bad things,and anger
and hurt and resentmenthave magnifiedthesebad
things out of all proportion. But go back to what
attractedus at thebeginning,andwe will seethat all
the goodthingswe sawin him or her are still there,
albeit submergedby the angorandhurt and discouragement.
the
In a word,God'sspiritopensandreopens
heartto all the possibilitiesthat we first sawin our
spouselong ago,in the greenof our relationship.
Now prayer is no sissy thing. "Prayer,"
accordingto Gandhi, "is not an old woman'sidle
andapplied,it is the
Properlyunderstood
amusernent.
most potent instrumentof action." The power of
prayeris withoutlimit. Christianprayerandconcreto
actsof love, incidentally,overcamethe Romanempire. And if suchprayercornbinedwith actionhad
power to topple ernpiresand dynasties,suchprayer
has power to restore and redirect and renew the
damagedmarital relationship.
Now prayersimply meansinvolving God in
your relationship. Doesthis exhaustwhathasto be
saidon the subjectof divorce? By no means!Does
it diminish the importanceof books written on the
subject?Of coursenot. Doesit put downpsychotherapyto which hurting couplesgo to for direction
andhelp andhealing? Absolutelynot! Justthe fact
is
that couplesmay decideto go to a psychotherapist
indicativethat the couplois persevering.And thatis ''GO BACK TO WHAT ATTRACTED
good.Or that couplesdecideto reada book which
itself YOU AT THE BEGINNING AND YOU
torepairamarriageis
waysandmeans
discusses
WILL SEE THAT ALL THE GOOD
a signof hope.
To go backto God. The churchteachesthat THINGS YOU SA\il IN HIM OR HER
ARE STILL THEREII'
Matrimony
IB
15
MARRIED COUPLE
AT{D TTIE LESSOT
BE
AND ZACHARTAS
ELIZABETH
THAT EVERYTHING TS POSSTBLE
(L
UST AND STR
Y AND ,TOSEP
LtrKE 7 & 2)
PE
GRE
(ACTS
- 11)
AQUTLA AND PRISCILLA
GROWTNG TOGETHER
(ACTS 78 )
Matrimony
THE
VING
GOD
t trROM THE BIBLE
,STHEY TEACH TIS
ADATT AND EVE
(GENESTS 2 & 3)
RAHALI AND S
,ATTH AND SU.
(GENESTS 17 )
THE REALTTY
A COMBTNAT
SS
THE PROBI'
BE
(7
HOSEA AND GOMER - FORGTVENESS
(THE BOOK oF HOSEA)
WHOLENESS
HMMM!
OUR JOUR}IEY IN MASCULINE/
F'EMININE SPIRITUALITY
by Ken & Gretchen Lovingood
Hmmm!! That's the reaction or responsethe
three of us had as we left a one and a half hour
presentation by Fr. Richard Rohr at the Religious
Education Congressin Anaheim, CA at leasttenyears
ago. Gretchen, Jerri, our oldest daughter,and I had
listenedto and been deeply affectedby what Fr. Rohr
had said.
The title of his workshopwas "Toward a
greatermasculinespirituality." It was focused on
MasculineSpiritualitybut thereality is thatyou cannotreallylook
at onespiritualitywithoutincluding theother.FeminineSpirituality is the obviouspartnerto the
masculine.
I remernberin my college
chemistryclassthattheprofessor
saidtherearetwo kindsof experiments:the"GeeWhiz" kindand
the "Hmmm" kind. The "Gee
Whiz" astounds you and surprises you but tho
"Hmmm" kind makes you think. The concept of
Masculine and Feminine Spirituality has certainly
madeus think and examine our behavior and interacti on with eachother ashusbandandwifo and all others
with whom wo come in contact.
This is not a "man and woman" thing. It's
"battle
not a
of the sexes" thing that almost always
leadsto polarization and competitionbetweenwomen
and men.
This canbe illustrated by what happenedright
after our first experiencewith this through Fr. Rohr's
talk. We bought the audio tapeof his talk andthe very
first community night in our areawe played the tape
and had a group discussion. A natural but surprising
thing happenedalmost immediately. The husbands
becamea block of their own and begantalking about
18
"men" things
and the women formed a block and
begantalking about "women" things. This is not to
blame thepeople in ourgroup. They simplyfell into
the trap that is alwayswaiting there to distractus from
seeingthe real benefit of experiencing and living the
masculine and feminine qualities and virtues that are
presentin both women and men.
It is apparent,if not widely known, that the
Marriage Encounter Weekend and the experience
after the weekend, for the most part, is the man's
journey into the realm of feminine virtues. Looking
at, recognizing and sharing feelings is a prime example of it. Men are askedto enter into a dimension
that, for the most part, most men have ignored and
glossedover. Gentleness,compassion,active listening, humility, are all consideredthe more feminine
virtues and while all men are capable of displaying
them becausethey are a part of
our being, most men sublimate
them in favor of strength,directness, closure, confrontation and
virtues that we have been made
to believe are what men should
display. In fact, women have
greaterlicenseto display anduse
themasculinevirtuesin their lives
than men have the license to use
feminine virtues in theirs.
I, Ken,hadanawfultimelettingpeopleseemy
sensitiveside.For yearsI avoidedtearsbecause
I was
convincedthey mademe look weak and lesslike a
man. My feelingswere kept insicleand considered
almostdangerous
thingsto let othersseeandexperience. But on the Marriage EncounterWeekend
peoplegaveme permissionto do thosethingsI had
misjudgedsomuchup to then. The team,by sharing
feelingsandallowing their emotionsto show(especiallythemen),andGretchen,whowastremendously
patient,andencouraged
measI beganto explorea side
of methatI didn't know or trustverymuch. Thatwas
my beginningjourney into feminino virtues. Fr.
RichardRohr saysthat thejourney of the man into
femininevirtuesis essential
if heis to everexperience
andbeableto displayadeeperMasculineSpirituality.
He also said that the sameappliesto women. A
womanmust make the journey into the masculine
Matrimony
WHOLBNESS
virtues in order to fully experienceand shareher
deeperfeminine spirituality. This is definitely a
Hrnmm situation!
Sincewe heardFr. RichardRohr'spresentation we havefurtherexploredthe conceptsandtried
to usethemaswe continueourj ourneyashusbandand
wi fe. Wehavereadmorebooksaboutthesubjectsuch
asIron JohnbyRobertBly, TTteInvisiblePartnerby
Runwith IheWolves
JohnSanfordandWomenWho
by ClarissaPinkolaEstos.
impactofFr. RichI, Gretchen,remernberthe
ard Rohr's workshopvery well. I knew it wasa lot
more thanjust a good workshop. Even thoughthe
conceptwas new, it was clear that this was very
important.
EventhoughFr. Rohr'stitle wasaboutDeeper
MasculineSpirituality,I knew for me therewas an
invitationto beginaj ourneyto seekinganunderstand-
our children. But everywhereelse,fr om my relationship with Ken and others, and just my personality in
general, I was only really developing my masculine
side.
So my firstjourney was learning to appreciate
my feminine side so I could try to balancemy masculine andferninine virtues. By balanceI meanlearning
to trust themboth so I canuse either according to the
appropriatesituation.
Fr. Rohr says once you have made the first
j ourney andappreciateand ernbraceboth your masculine and feminine virtues then there will be occasions
and opportunities for a man to make his second
journey into the Deeper Masculine Spirituality and a
woman will sometimesbe able to make her second
journey, which is into the DeeperFeminine Spirituality. You cannot make the secondjourneyunless you
have made the first journey of ernbracingboth your
masculineandfemininevirtues.
For manywomen,but
not so for me, they reach
adulthoodonlytrustingtheir
femininesideandthey easily displayqualitieslike patience,tenderness
andcompassion. For thesewomen
their first journey is to trust
ing of aDeeperFeminine Spirituality.
Fr. Rohr spoke of the 2
journeys each individual must
make. The first journey is into
yourself to begin to appreciate
and embracetho sido of you that
you least accept. It helped me to
understand one set of qualities
as more active than the others,
These
andself-confidence.
virtueslike assertiveness
virtuescouldalsobe calledmoremasculineandhelp
to developyour toughside.Virtueslikepatienceand
andcouldbecalledmore
tenderness
aremorepassive
feminineandhelp to developyour tenderside.
If becauseof your personalityand family
backgroundyou reachadulthoodonly trustingyour
activeor toughersidethenthe first journey for you
will be learningto ernbraceyour softerside.
Becauseof mypersonalityandbackground,I
had developedmy tough sidemuch more than my
tenderside. I am self confident,assertiveand deciand
sive. Somy firstjourneywaslearningto ernbraco
andtrust.
displayqualitieslike patience,tenderness
waseventhoughI am
My first big awarenoss
my life ignoringmy
lot
a
of
have
spent
I
a woman,
Theonlyarealfoundinmylifethat
femininevirtues.
seemedcontraryto that wasin my relationshipwith
their assertive,self-confident side. Then they will be
in a position to make their secondjourney.
For somemen, they reach adulthood trusting
their assertive,self-confident sidebut have to learn to
appreciatetheir patient, tender side. For other men
becauseof their personalitiesand family background
theyhave only developedtheir softer side andhaveto
ernbracetheir tougher side.
So exactly what do we meanby the SECOND
JOURNEY? Thejourney into the DeeperFeminine
Spiritualityif you area woman,andthejourney into
the DeeperMasculineSpiritualityif you area man,
meansonceyou trustboth sidesanduseboth sidesin
all aspects'ofyour life, you will be able to be very
strongonyourmasculinesideifyouaroamanbecause
thatbehaviorwillbebackedupandsupportedbyyou
feminineside. For examplea man who is trying to
makehisjourneyinto theDeeperMasculineSpiritu-
Matrimony
19
WHOLENBSS
ality may find himself in a situationwhere strong
decisiveness
is neededand he will use it, but that
no matter how strong it is, will be
decisiveness,
temperedby his compassion.It will not be decisivenessthatwalksoverothers,butdecisiveness
thatcares
aboutothers.
The sameis true for a woman. Whenwe try
to makeourjourney into a DeeperFeminineSpirituality we give a lot of energyto beingcompassionate
and patient, but wo do so with strength and
So no matterhow compassionate
pssertiveness.
and
concernedabout otherswe are, it is ternperedwith
not with over-nurself-confidence
andassertiveness,
turing or smothering.
The two termsthat still needto be explained
are the NegativeMasculineand the NegativeFeminine. TheNegativeMasculinehappenswhsna man
or woman does not ernbracetheir ferninine side,
instead they put so much energy into masculine
virtues that they begin to exaggeratethern and it
becomesnegative. Negative masculinebehavior
wouldbetoo aggressive,
or overlyhardanddemanding.
NegativeFernininehappenswhenawomanor
mandoesnot ernbracetheirmasculinesideandbegin
to exaggeratetheir feminine virtues so much that it
becomes
negative.Negativefemininebehaviorwould
betoo softor overlynurturing,andyouloseyour own
personhood.
TIIE FOLLOWING IS FROMA CONVENTION ruLK ON
MASCALINE AND FEMININE: A CALL TO WIIOLENESS
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XASCULINI AND FEHIIIN8I
TBHINIilT
YTITUES
NUl|ILI?I
o I B DL E l t c B
OPENilBSS
XECEPTIVITI
TIUST
FOTGMIESI
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N,ESPOISIIILIIT
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T R U t nA I D r r S f
cotrlortAtloll
DECI ttVEl|!3S
GAtnt t[toucE
loucf, Lo.vE
DOUsLI JOUTIIEI IO SPIN,ITUAL tf,rEGRA?ION
JourD.ta
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INTGN'IGlYG
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20
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A CALL TO 9UOLE$E8S
Matrimony
a
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!ct.t lrc
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a
ll ftrrt
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r
a
Journcy
lot trh.n:
orcrly
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drprndent end hrlpa
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a a a a a a a a a a a a a o o a a a a a a a a a a
Strrt
WHOLENESS
Finally, in closing,thereis onemorepointwe
eachneedto sharowith youandthatis theimportance
of giving eachotherpermissionto makethesejourneys.
For a long time in our marriageI, Gretchen,
wasafraidto showmy soft sideto Ken. I wasafraid
hemightuseit againstmeor wouldnotlike measwell
if I appearedsofter or let myself cry or showed
speak
tooeasily.Thenweheardsomeone
compassion
giving
each
otherpermission
the
importance
of
about
to rnakethesespiritualjourneys. Ken did not say,
"Go for it Gretchen",he simply did not reactwhen
I startedtrustingsomeof themoretenderbehaviors.
He simplygaveme the freedomto learnmoreabout
myselfanddidnot tell mehow or whento doit. I also
had to give Ken freedom,particularlyin the areaof
trustinghim whenhe was discipliningour children.
Ken neededmy permissionto be a fatherand once
againl didn't exactlysaythewords,but my behavior
of showingmysupportwhenhewasbeingvery firm,
much firmer than I would havebeen,gavehim tho
freedomto be himsell andhe knewI waswith him.
Oftenbeforethen,my non-verbalswould showhow
uncomfortableI was,or I wouldwalk awayandhefelt
aloneandour childrenwere confused.
It almostgoeswithout sayingthatI (Ken)have
to shareand
permission,
even encouragement,
had
experiencethe more femininesideof me in termsof
andnurturing. Our
compassion
feelings,tenderness,
wehavehadprove
dialogueandthemanydiscussions
that. Thatpermissioncomesnot only from Gretchen
andthewomenin Mariage Encounter,but evenmore
profoundlyfrom the men. It happenedon theMarriage EncounterWeekendand in countlesssharing
groupssincethen.
The masculineside is as challengingas the
otherwasin thebeginning.I haveto trustthatit won't
betooharshandit won't betoo analyticalandit won't
turn othersoff. It is arealjourney. ButI think there
is permissionto exploreit, evenif the feelingsand
attitudesdogetin theway attimes.Do youremember
the last time a real confrontationhappenedin a
MarriageEncountergroupwhenfinally truth andrisk
prevailed?It wasn'teasybutI'll bettherewasgrowth
in intimacyandresponsibility.
1995 MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER
NATIONAL COI{VENTION
Place:Conve,ntion
Center- Denver,Colorado
Date: June30 - July 2,1995
Theme: CONTINUING OUR JOURNEY:
COME TO THE MOUNTAIN
Prayer:
LovingFATHER-AND-MOTHERofusall,
We praiseand thankyou for gracing
us with the majestyof the mountains,the
simplebeautyof the plains, and the wide
expanse
of theoceans.We thankyou for the
gifts of forestsandsunsets,
for lakesandall
living creatures.But most of all, we thank
you for Jesusandfor otherswho love!
You areconstantlycallingus to journey back to you. You havegiven us each
otherassignsalongonrway. Let your Spirit
gurdeus in our imaginationsand our fantasies- let our dreamssoaraswe preparefor
the coming together of our Marriage Encounterfamily. Let all our inhibitionsand
fears disappearas we strive to make our
hopescomeintobeing.Giveusthestrength,
courage,and insight we will need, as we
work to bring our visionto reality. Help us
to make the beauty and wonder of your
kingdomknownto all humankind.Let usbo
your compassionate
heartandloving hands,
as we reach out to our family. Guard our
stepsand strengthenour heartswhen they
so
falter. Guideourconventionpreparation,
thatwhenwe cometogetheronthemountain
wemaytrulyfind youin eachotherandshow
your love to the world.
This we askin thenameof Jesus.our
Brother. Amen.
MARI(YOUR CALENDAR!
t;
Matrimony
27
GIFTS
Onceupon a time God gavethe gift of life to
atinybabygirl.AndHe said,"I'mgoingto givethis
babygirl much. I'm goingto givehera big smileand
lotsof enthusiasm
andtheability to dream.I'm going
to give thisbabygirl thegift of insight,andthegift of
writing, so she can sharethis gift of insight with
others." And He gavethis babygirl's parentsmuch
gracein theirSacramental
Ma:riage,andtheybecame
wonderfulrole modelsfor her. And aftera while,He
gavothis baby girl tho gift of youngerbrothersand
sistersto teachherto share,andevena specialbrother
tohelpherdeveloppatienceandtolerance.And asthis
baby girl grow, He gaveher many opportunitiesto
developleadershipskills, as shehelpedcarefor the
otherswhen it was necessaryfor her mom to work
outsidethe home. God gavethis growing girl the
peopleskills shewould needto makenew friendsas
shemovedfrom city to city. And asthegirl grew,she
wonderedwhat shewouldbe whenshegrewup, afld
for a purposeto her existence.
searched
And asthechildbecameayoungwoman,God
gaveher challengesalongthe way. He threwstones
in her path, and gave her a winding, sometimes
difficult roadto follow. And this windingroadtook
her into unknown lands, and exposedher to many
lifestylesandenabledher to incorporateinto herself
all thosewith whom shecameinto contact.And this
youngwomangrewinto a womanwho encompassed
somanyof thetraitsof thosepeopleshemetalongthe
way,thatnewpeoplewereoftenattractedto her. God
gaveto her the gift of empathy,andshelearnedhow
to relateto people; andtheybeganto relateto her as
theysawalittle of themselves
in her. But thewinding,
tortuousroaddidn't seemto beleadinganywhere,and
the young woma"nwonderedto what end shewas
travelling.Yet everytimetheyoungwomanstumbled
or tookawrongturnoGodwasalwaysthereto pickher
up andsetherontheright course,wheneversheasked
for His help.
And thenoneday,Godgaveheravery special
gift. He gaveheramanwhowouldlovehermorethan
22
anyoneoneartheverhad. He gaveher amanwho was
sensitiveand caring and intelligent. A man who
sharedthe samevalues.A man who had beengiven
many of the samegifts shehad. A man who would
sharewith her the vocationto which shewascalled.
And the woman acceptedGod's gift, hesitantlyat
first, but thenwith joy andwonderthatGod soloved
herasto giveherthefinestgift of all! And insidethis
very specialgift were many little hidden challengegifts that,thoughtheyweren'trecognizedasgifts at
first, boremuchfruit asshebecamestrongandwiser
from the challenge-giftssheaccepted.
Butstill thewomansearched.
Still thewoman
felt restlessandincomplete.Shereallybelievedthere
wassomethingshewassupposed
to do ; apuq)oseto
her life that shejust couldn'tput her finger on. But
Godwasnot yet finishedpreparingherfor His work.
And He movedher again,andHo put her in aparish
whoneededthespecialgifts shehadto offer. But still
He wasnot readyto call in His cards.He gaveherthe
gift oftreasure,sothatshecouldmeetandrelatoto the
moreaffluentpeoplein her area. He senther out into
that communityandexposedher to a morematerialistic world thantheonesheknew,sothatsomedayshe
could deliver a messageto thern, and they would
believeherbecauseshewasoneof thern.Andjust as
shewasfinding herselfbeginningto drown,drifting
in a seaof worldlypossessions,
Goddecidedshewas
ready.
And He gaveher the gift that would change,
notonlyherlife, butthelivesofeveryonewith whom
she came in contact. He gave her the gift of the
weekend.
And God spoketo her andsaid,"'Woman,I
have given you many gifts during your lifetime. I
havegivenyou abright smileanda friendlymanner
andespeciallythegift of empathy.Thosegifts have
broughtyou many relationshipsand nourishedyour
needto love andbe loved. I havegivor you enthusiasmandenergythat hasoporedmany doorsfor you
andnourishedyourneedto belong. I havegivenyou
Matrimonv
the ability to dream and your perseverancein pursuit
of those dreams has nourished your need for selfworth. I have given you the gift of insight and
communication to shareyourself openly with others,
and that hashelped nourish your needto be loved for
who you are. All of these gifts I have given you
becauseI love you. And I have but one requestofyou
in return, woman. Love one another as I havo loved
you. Keep not thesegifts to yourself, but sharethem
with all the world. Then I will know that my gifts have
beenutilized to their fullest potential."
AND THEWOMAN KNEWWHAT
SHE HAD TO DO!
UKRAINIANS LEARN MARRIAGE
ENCOUNTER
by CatherineMcCabe
(Reprintedwithpermissionfrom TheDaily Chronicle,
DeKalb/Sycamore,
Illinois)
Editor's note: This is the first in a two-part series
aboutSophiaandIvanLiskevych,aUkrainiancouple
who wereinvolvedin theundergroundchurchin their
hometownof Lviw in Ukraine.
PARTONE- TI{EYKEPT THEIRCHURCHALIVE
Anonymous Author
Myron and Lesia Kuropas of DeKalb are
hosting a Ukrainian couplewho are in the United
BEF'OREWE CAN SHARE OUR GIF'TS Stateslearningto leadMarriageEncounterWeekends
programtoUkraine.
WITHTHEWORLD ,WE MUST KNO\il sotheycanbringthisinternational
Thelivesoflvan andSophiaLiskevych
sound
WHAT OUR GIFTSARE!
like aRussianhistorylesson.Their historyincludes,
personallyor within their families,exile to Siberia,
DialogueQuestions:
governmentarrestandthe outlawingof theirreligion
1. What specificallyare the specialgifts God has by the Russiangovernment.
UkrainianCatholics,Ivan andSophiaparticiblessedme with?
patedin the 'underground'churchin Ukraine, openHow doosmy answermake me feel?
ing theirhometo 2 a.m.visitsfrompriestsandhosting
illegal
liturgies.
2. Is GodsmilingasHe watchesmeenjoyingthegifts
In 1946,the UkrainianCatholicChurchwas
He gaveme, or is He waiting for me to takethemout
outlawed
by the Soviet government,accordingto
of the box in the closet and really use them?
Kuropaswho translatedfor theLiskevychs.
HDMAMMF?
''The Archbishops,bishopsandmanypriests
3. Do I havegiftsthatI protectandkeeptomyself,like were exiledto Siberiaand the governmentforcibly
a child who doesn't want to share his toy? brought togethersome LJkrainianCatholic priests
who wereterrorizedinto makingthe declarationthat
HDMAMMF?
the llkrainian CatholicChurchis dissolvedandwill
join the RomanOrthodoxChurchwhich wasunder
4. Am I usingthe gifts I wasgivenin a way that is
the control of the Soviet government," explained
pleasingto God,the giver of my gifts?
Kuropas.
HDMAMMF?
5. Am I makingtheworld a little bit betterby sharing
my gifts, first with my spouse,thonwith my family,
thenwith the world?
HDMAMMF?
ENJOY! lB
THE PRIEST IN PARTICULAR WAS
T GREAT RISK.'I
Onebishopanda nurnberofpriestswereable
to gounderground
wheretheydevelopedanetworkof
clergy and laity who maintainedthe Church. The
Matrimonv
23
REACHOUT
priestsworkodaslaborersduringthe dayandministeredat night, saidKuropas.
SophiaandIvan saidword would go around
priest
thata
wouldbe on thenumbersix busTuesday
night. Theprieststoodin thebackof thebus,holding
the handstrapand hearingconfessions
from Ukrainian Catholics.
Sophiaand Ivan and other mernbersof the
undergroundchurch knew each other only by first
name. "The priest in particularwas at greatrisk,"
saidthe couple,
"At that point in Ukrainianhistory, anyone
suspected
of participatingin anti-government
activitieswasimprisoned,beatenor exiled," explainedtho
Liskevychs.
SophiaandIvan wereinvolvedwith onepriest
who wascaughtministering.He wasbeatenandtied
to thebackof a pickup truck by his feet anddragged
throughthe streetsof the village asan example.
The less the mernbersof the underground
churchknew abouteachother,thelessrisk was
involved.
During their stay in DeKalb, the Liskevychs
the
Kuropas'
and
visitedtheUkrainianCatholicChurch
in Chicagowhere a priest from Ukraine was also
visiting. Whenannounced
by theirpropername,the
priestsaidhe did not know the couple.Upon seeing
them,however,thepriestgreetedthem,apologizing
for not recognizingthem.
Thepriest,Fr. Sebastian,
hadbeenthecouple's
spiritual advisor toward the end of the outlawed
periodbut had neverknown their lastname.
Ivan andSophiamarried
inl977 intheRoman
CatholicChurchwhich functionedat that time under
the surveillanceof the Russiangovernment. The
Ukrainian National Church, which differs from the
Roman Catholic sect, was still outlawedwith the
intent of suppressingUkrainian nationalfeeling, accordingto Kuropas.
After their marriage,the Liskevychsopured
their home to the undergroundUkrainian Catholic
Church. Liturgies moved from houseto houseand
village to village. Informationaboutactivitieswas
keptunderwrapsto protecttheparticipants.Involvementin theundergroundchurchwasnot asdangerous
for the laity asfor the clergy.
SophiaandIvan explainedthat thopriestsfelt
they carrieda sacredresponsibilityto minister,regardlessof the risks.
"They (thepriests)believedthe Lord
would
protectthe'mandthey would not sayno (whenasked
to performcleric functions)," explainedthe couple.
The KGB (the Sovietsecretpolice andintelligence agenc, tried to infiltrate the underground
church,posing asworshippers.Tho me,lrrbersof the
secretchurch developedtheir own methodsof concealme,nt.
The Liskevychsknow an 80-year-oldpriest
"
who took greatpleasure" in bakingtheunleavened
breadusedfor communion.Accordingto Sophia,this
priestbelievedthe KGB were "human beingsalso.
Tho Lord madethem."
Sophiasharedthisstoryaboutthebakerpriest:
'' Hi shomewasin themiddleof town
andpriestscame
from all over to pick up the communionbread. To
avoid suspicionthe visitors camein variousguises,
suchasbuilding or waterinspectors."
PART TWO LI\IED
CHURCH SPIRIT STRENGTH
Editorsnote: This is the secondin a two-partseries
aboutSophiaandIvan Liskevych who kept alivo the
UlcrainianCatholic Church. They aro in DeKalb to
learnto teachMarriageEncounterWeekurds. They
will taketheir knowledgehometo Ukraine.
SophiaandIvan Liskevych were involved in
tho undergroundUkrainian Catholic Church.For 14
years,clergyandmembersofthe undergroundchurch
had litwgies in the Liskevychs' home. They aro
stayng with Myron and Lesia Kuropasof DeKalb.
Kuropas translateda recent interview with
The Daily Chronicle. The spirit of the IJkrainian
Catholic Church remainedshong and many young
people joined the undergroundchurch during the
outlawedperiod.For thein,affiliation with the church
carriedwith it thedangerofruining academiccareers.
If a studeirtwasthoughtto be a believer, they would
be deniedentranceinto the university.
Marty believerssufferedat the handsof the
KGB for their faith and other "crimes againsttho
Matrimony
REACHOUT
government." Sophia'sgrandfatherwastwicetried,
imprisonedandsentencedto2lyearsexilein Siberia.
His crimo: owningland.
The Sovietgovernmentbelieved
thatowning
"exploitation
land was
of the masses,"explained
Kuropas.
Thegrandfatherwastried in a secrettrial, and
Sophiaandotherrelativesdid notknowwherehewas
imprisonedandwerenot allowedto attendthe trial.
Ivan andhis family werealsosentto Siberia.
Their crime: beingUkrainian. They weregiven 12
hoursto pack,weretakento thetrain stationandwere
on routeto their exile for onemonth. Ivan returnedto
Ulrrainein 1969andthenbroughthis motherback.
Although often frightened,SophiaandIvan
saidtheyneverdoubtedtheirfatherandneverconsideredrenouncingUkrainianCatholicism.Whentheir
churchwasdeclaredillegal, someUkrainianCatholicswentinto theunderground,
othersjoinedthelegal
RussianOrthodoxChurchbecause"they lovedGod
and wanted to worship him," explainedSophia.
Thesefaithful did not renounceUkrainianCatholicism.
A small percortageof peopledid renounce
UkrainianCatholicismandadheredto thetenetsofthe
Russianchurch.
The physical churcheswere either dernolished,usedas stablesor warehouses
or convertedto
museumsof atheism, social clubs, or palacesof
culture.
In 1991,theUkrainianCatholicChurchmoved
out of theundergroundbut still is not legallyrecognizedor protected.
In their hometownof Lviw, the Liskevych's
churchhadbeentakEnoverby theRussianOrthodox
Church.The UkrainianCatholicsweregrantedback
their churchby order of the city council after what
Sophiadescribedas
a ''difficult, verypainfultime,"
which includeddemonstrations
and"unfortunateincidents."
Throughtears,Sophiadescribed
thefirst open
UkrainianCatholicservicesheattended."I felt great
joy and realized that JesusChrist made only one
churchfor all people," saidSophia.
Today,theUkrainianCatholicChurchis fl ourishing in Ukraine. According to the Liskevychs,
seminaries,filled to capacity,have waiting lists.
Plansarebeingdevelopedfor more seminaries.
''Peoplearecomingtomore
ofanunderstanding of the secretchurch," Sophiasaid.
In July, Myron and Lesia Kuropaswill join
SophiaandIvan Liskevych in Ukraine to imple,rnent
the first phaseof the MarriageEncounterprogrilm.
SophiaandIvan saidevenonemonthagothey
could not have imaginedthey would be sitting in a
diningroom in DeKalb translatingMariage Enconnter documentsto bring the programto their country.
SophianeverdoubtedtheUlrainian Catholic
Churchwould resurroct. "I alwayshad the dream. I
thoughtit might be 300 or 100or 50 yearsbut not in
my lifetime," Sophiasaid.
IB
MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER
Renew!
Rejoice!
Reachout!
1994 PHILADELPHIA COI{\IENTION
Location: Father JudgeHigh School
3310Solly Road
Philadelphia,PA. 19136
Date:
Saturday- November5,1994
Doorsopenat 8 a.m.
Registration: $15/ couple.
$10/ coupleEarly Registration
Receivedprior to Sept.1,1994
Details:
Bring a brown bag lunch.
Contact: Jim and Michele Renaud
2259Berks road
Lansdale,Pl^.19446
Matrimonv
(21s)6ee-0687
SPIRITUAL JOURNEYS
DEFINING MANHOOD
MynameisPatrickJ.Hill. Ihavebeenapriest
of the Archdioceseof Los Angelesfor moro than26
years. I presurtly servein the Office of Family Life
andwidowed.
ministeringto the separated,divorced
(my
BarbaraRegnier
co-worker for years) and I
envisionedthis aspart of a supportministry for the
Sacramentof Matrimony. Even when the dreamis
broken,the hopeandideallives on.
While sharingon a Marriagepreparationday
with Mike andKathy Nyby wobeganto talk with each
otheraboutthespiritualj ourneyof amanandhowthat
is differentfrom a woman's. I hadjust finishedmy
thesisfor a Mastersat RegisUniversity in Denver
dealingwith just this issue.Mike andKathy askedif
I wouldbe willing to sharesomeof my thoughtsand
discoveries.I saidthat I would be delighted.
My ownspiritualj ourneyincludessevenyears
in a monastery. When I finishedTheologyin the
DiocesanseminaryIaskedaboutthespecificspiritual
j ourneyof aparishpriestasdistinctfr omamonk. The
questionwasnot well received.I wasimplying that
most of what I was experiencingwaswatereddown
monasticism.This almostput my ordinationin danger.
Todayl thinkl perceivea similarconundrum.
Is theroa specificspiritualjourney for a manthat is
distinctfr om awomans?My thoughts,reflectionsand
judgmentson this subjectmay againnot be immediatelywell received.Pleasebearwith me. I believe
youwill find thefinal answerwell worththestruggle.
First of all I very much like the approachto
spirituallife thatThomasMoreusesin hisbooks Care
of theSoul, andSoulMates. Soulnessis quiteoften
doubt,
bestandmostfully discoveredin brokenness,
uncertainty,anxietyand fear. Sometimesthereare
neglectedareas
ofthe soulcryingoutfor atte,ntionand
the solutionis not found in gettingrid of the,rnbut in
embracingthem. Theseare the areasof the spiritual
journey that are commonto all, men andwomen.
But the way that we deal with thesebroken
areasdiffers greatly. John Grey in his magnificent
work Men arefrom Mars, Womenarefrom Tenus,
points out that when men axeconfusedand troubled
they''retreatto their caves"until theycansortthings
out. Womenlikewisetroubledtend to get together
with otherwomsn and sharehow they are feeling so
that they can sort them out. Without realizing the
"
differentj ourneymenwill givetheirwomen'' space
to sortthingsout, andthey will feel abandoned.On
theotherhandwomenwill seetheir mentroubledand
try to getthemto talk abouthow theyfeel, andthemen
will feel smothered.
Myers/BriggsTernperamentSorter gives us
anotherinsightinto the differing spiritualjourneysof
men andwomen. Womengenerallylook within to
their feelings,solveproblernsintuitively, careabout
how others are feeling and take many factors into
considerationbefore
comingto conclusions.Men,on
the otherhand,generallylookoutsideof themselves,
gatheringall the facts and figures that humansense
follow thernthroughto alogicalconclucanperceive,
sion,andthenreachajudgmentasto whatneedsto be
donoandsetaboutdoingit.
An importantrealityto noteis thatno oneis all
masculineorall feminine.We areall auniqueblend,
with a dominanttendencyto one or the other.
Aman's spiritualjourneytendsto bemorelike
abull' seye,whileawoman'sj ourneytendstobemore
like aneverwideningspiraltakingin moreandmore.
Men tendto takethingsapartto understandthen,they
analyze. Women tend to put things together, to
Matrimonv
SPIRITUAL JOURNEYS
synthesize.
DeborahTannenin her bookYouJustDon't
thatmenandwomenevenspeakand
Understand,says
uselanguagedifferently, andthis affectsthe spiritual
journey. Men uselanguageto convince,convictand
persuade.Womenuselanguageto createrapportand
to connectwith others.
The woundsthat men deal with are specificallymasculine.TheFather Wound is theonemost
oftenmentioned.Until aboutahundredyearsago,the
world we live in wasan agtariansociety.Thewhole
familylivedandworkedontheland,andmenmentored
mon on what it was to be man through being in
constanttouchwith eachother.Thenthemenleft the
landto work in thefactories.Surrogates
havetriedto
filI in thegapsbut it seemsthattherearethingsaman
canlearnonly fromhis father.In today'sworldmany
men do not evenbecomeawareof this until they are
in their50's.
The Fisher King Wound refersto wounded
malesexuality.Thereis a maleneedto be in control
of his world. This recalcitrantpowerneverseerns
to
comefullyunder a man's control. It is oftenpresent
when least wanted,absentwhen needed,and altogethera troublesomepower to possess.
Thereis a Wound of NeverEnough. Aman
sometimesthinks that he is neverenoughsonto his
father,father to his son,husbandto his wife, hard
worker for his boss,or man of Faith for his God.
The InadequateMale Conceptoftenbegins
in a High Schoollocker room anddevelopsinto the
malechauvinistpig. It is the machomanwho never
cried.
Thereis the DomesticatedMale who thinks,
feels,talks, actslike a woman,andis usuallyabandonedby a womanwho wantsher wildmanback.
The Latin word Puer speaksof a little boy
whono longerwantsto carryanyresponsibilities.
He
wantsto go backto the carefreedayof his youth,to
play ball again,andto drink into the weehourswith
theboys.
Finally, Carl Jung said that men often fear
intimacyin the sameway that womenfearabandonment.
Sam Keen in Fire in the Belly gives us a
samplerlist of male virtues. Thesearethe specific
strengths
thatamanworkson inhis spiritualjourney:
Wonder is the ability to takein andbe at aweof the
world around;Empathy is anunselfconscious
freedomto exploreaworldthati sotherthanself; Heartful
Mind is the ability to think passionately,
clearlyand
deeplyaboutthe humancondition; Moral Outrage
is the willingnessto wrestlewith themysteryof evil
asit toucheshim andhis; Right Livelihood is effective andefficientj ob accomplishmentwhile developingbothselfandothers;Enj oyment is agratitudethat
impels to the caring of others; Friendship is the
ability to be open,trustingand vulnerablewith anotherman; Communion is the ability to bondwith
othermenin anall maleenvironmentlHusbandingis
theprovidingof stewardship
for persons,placesand
things entrustedto his responsibility;\Mildnessis
beingin touchwith the fundamentalforcesof nature
from which he came.
RobertMoore andDouglasGillettein King,
Warrior, Magician, Lover give us four powerful
imagesfor mento strivefor in their spiritualjourney.
TheKing is thecenterof thepersonwhichis responsiblefor life and actions,building a morejust, calm
andcreativeworld.TheWarrior fightsthegoodfight
andrestores
theboundaries
thatbringfocusto all. The
Magician is a wise wizardwhois ableto bring clear
sightedness
to the world aroundus. The Lover is
unabashedly
in touch with and connectedwith self
andothersandthe world.
I oweit to you asapriestto sharewith youmy
spiritualjourney andmy prayerlife! What am I if I
don't doatleastthis?But I couldnot honestlytell you
whatit is all aboutwithoutidentifyingall ofthe above.
It revealsmuchaboutmy spiritualjourney asa man.
Themostprofoundconclusions
I havecometo areyet
to be shared.
As I grewupin the40'sand50'sI accepted
my
religionlike everyoneelse,asaprivateaffairbetween
me andmy God. I wasa lonerin High School. As a
Sophomore
in CollegeI wentto a monastery.It was
aGodandmerelationship.After VaticanII, I returned
to the diocesansuninary in Los Angelesand was
ordainedaparishpriestin 1968. Againit wasme and
Godin theivory towerof a parishrectory. Mine was
a professional
relationshipwith God'speople(You).
It wasimportantthatyoubeableto experience
andsee
Matrimony
|,1
SPIRITUAL JOURNBYS
yourpriestatprayer.But pleasedon't intemrptmeand
God.
One day as I held up the host and said the
I realizedthatl wasconsecratwordsof Consecration,
ing both thebreadandthepeoplein front of me to be
theBody of Christ,to be brokenfor today'sworld. I
was raising up a cup of the Blood of Christ to be
pouredinto yourveinsandfr omthereto bepouredout
uponour world todaythrougheachof you. I discoveredthat would neverfind a God "up there" until I
could comeface to face with Him in front of me. I
realizedthatyouaren't anintemrption of my conversationwith God,but thatyou areGodcomingto call
upon me in flesh and blood, that you are a Divine
intemrption! I foundoutthatI couldnot takea single
stepon my spiritualjourney to andwith Godwithout
taking thosestepswith eachone of you. Even my
celibatePriesthoodis a relationshiplifestyle that
needsappropriaterelationshipwith significantothers
of the oppositegenderto fully becomewhat God
of the
intendsit to be. Like Jesus,I needthepresence
holy womenin my life!
JohnGreyidentifiedI2pnmary needsthatall
humanbeing have in common. Six are critical for
men,andsix for women. Theseneedscanbemetby
eithergender,but the six critical take on a special
significanceandhavethe deepestmeaningwhenmet
by theoppositegender.Usuallythe oppositegender
isn't awareof theseneedsinstinctively.Theyneedto
be identifiedandaskedfor.
A manmusttell his womanthathe needsher
to be opento him andtrustwhatheis doing. He must
askher to takehim asheis andnot try to changehim.
Shemusthearfrom him thatheneedsto be acknowledgedas valuableand helpful. He wantsher to be
amazedat what is unique in him. Her attitudeof
satisfactionand approvalis critical to his ability to
in
function. He needsto haveconfidenceexpressed
his abilitiesand character.
On the other hand a marrNEEDS to ask a
womanto tell him abouther feelings. He needsto
reflectthosefeelingsbackandmakesurehehadheard
andunderstoodtherncorrectly.He needsto acknowledgeher right to thoseneedsandfeelingsandnot try
to solvethemfor her. Sheneedsto hearhim saythat
hei sproudto standwith herandis fi lledwithj oy when
28
sheis fulfilled. Aman needsto validatehis womanin
what shehearsand sees,feelsandunderstands;
that
her opinions.are valid. A man needsto give this
reassurance
morethanonceeachday.
The bottomline is that all lifestylesarerelationship.OurbasicneedscanonlybemetandfuIfi lled
in relationshipwith the oppositegender. What I
perceiveasthemostdevastating
blow to this coming
true is the lack of definition of whatmanhoodis all
about.
. Men needto definemanhoodfrom theinside
out. Theyneedto do this in a bondingsituationwith
othermenwith whomtheycanlet their defensesdown
andbe vulnerable.Today'ssocietyhastakenthese
placesawayfrom men. In somecircles,
appropriate
any all-male environmentis sexist and to be destroyed.In othercirclesif two men developa close
friendship,a homophobicsocietylooks upon thern
with disdain.
Oneofthemostpainfirlexperieirces
thatwomerl
endurein today'sworld ilremenwho arenot in touch
with theirmanhood.We all needto allow andaffirm
men mentoringmur in an all-male environmentand
thusbegintheprocessof definingtheir manhoodin
appropriateways.Theycanthen comeback to their
women with a gift of manhoodfully defined and
possessed
andreadyto be shared.
SamKeenin Fire in theB elly identifiesspirituality asanencounterwith love. "Authentic loveis
a dancewith threemovernents:solo, counterpoint,
comingtogether;it embraces
solitude,conflict,intimacy." Perhapsoneof thegreatesttoolsin developing coupleness
in Matrimonyis gift of encouraging
a
journey
man to go on his own
in his manhoodand
bring it backasa gift to share.
lB
Matrimony
THE VISIT
by Ed & Rhonda Staats, TroY, New York'
It was about 7 o'clock in the evening and tho
sun was beginning to set. It had been a long hot day'
A group of ilose friends were sitting aroundin a circle
on th. floot ofthe housothey were visiting' They were
dusty and tired from anotherfull day of varied activities. As theY discussedwhat
they had done that daY, the
conversation seemed to
changefrom focusing on the
positive and what theY had
accomplishedto amorenegative and comPlaining mode.
"Iwonderhowmany
miles I walked todaY?", said
one of them.
"You got that right,
my feet ache. I bet mY blisters are bigger than Yours",
said another.
"Whenarewegoing
to get abreakfrom all this? It
seemsas if I am askedto do
more and more every time I
turn around," another one
chimed in.
"I'mstarving. I can't
remernber when I sat down
to a good meal without having it intemrPted" , said that
one.
theywereexperiencingin their lives'
werepressures
By now the sun was almostsitting atop the
hills to thewest;readyto dropout of sigbt. The final
rays were beamingthroughthe large window, still
providingplentyof light for theirdiscussion'Justthen
thrt. *ut arustleof the wind at the door. The latch
slowly moved and the door swungpartially open'
Theycouldnotseewhowasstandingthere,butthesun
casta familiar shadowon the oppositewall of the
room. It wasthe shadowof the onewho hadbrought
them all together in the beginning.
Embarrassmentand
nervousnessswePtover them
b ecauseof what theYhadbeen
talking about. He had left
several months before and
they didnot expectto be seeingHim again. What should
have been their joY in seeing
Him, seomedto bo maskedbY
the topic of their discussion
andtheir wondering i f He had
heard their complaints.
The tall figure took
several steps into the room
and closed the door behind
him. Not a word was sPoken
for several minutes as His
eyesmoved aroundthe room
focusing on eachmernber of
the gtoup, one at a time. To
eachHelookedsternlY.Then,
after He had made eye contactwith all of them, He gave
thernabig smile. One oftheir
Him. He said to Peter,
greet
to
groupr Peter, stood
"'What's going on?"
"Ah, ahrwewerejust
"I don't seeanyoneelsegoingthroughall that
Peter'smouthdroPPed.
we are. It just doesn'tseemworthit'
sittingaroundtalking,Master."
Who arewe kidding?", saidstill another'
"What were you talking about?"askedthe
"Do you really think we aremakinga differknowingfull well everydetailof theirconverence?Thisis anuphill battle.I'm tiredof this,I can't visitor,
sation.
takeit an)rmore."
into His eyesandsaid,
Peterstarednervously
And so this line of conversationcontinued' "Master,
wewerecomplainingandgrurnblingto one
Eachmemberof the group outdoingthe otherswith
We havebeenstruggling."
their own problemsand difficulties' Someof their another.
The entire group of companions wanted to
stnrggleswere physical,somewere attitudes,some
Matrimony
29
THE VISIT
ju-p up and greet Him, but hesitated. Their ernbarrassmentheld thern back becausethey knew by now
that all they had beencomplaining aboutwasheardby
Jesus.
Jesus sighed, and then glanced beyond the
seatedgroup at the shadowon the far wall madeby the
sun's rays passing through the window. It was an
image of the cross. At the sight of this, a tear rolled
down His cheek. All of His friends turned their heads
to seewhat Jesuswas looking at. It becameclear why
Jesuswas upset and many of them began to cry also,
ashamedof what they had been doing.
Jesusthen raised His arm and extendedHis
hand over them and said ' 'I forgive you. ' ' At that very
instant they felt renewed and full of life once again.
They all jumped up and crowded around Jesus,hugging Him and now cryrng with joy in their hearts
becauseHe was there with them.
They encouragedHim to sit down and stay
awhile, and so He did. They gatheredagain in their
circle and provided a small stool for Jesusto sit on.
"I want to rernind you of
one of my teachings,' ' saidJesus. ' 'It's a teachingthat you must live
by andmustpasson to all generationsto come." He
oncemore glanced at the wall where the image of the
cross still lingered, and the disciples did the same.
Whenever Jesus spoke in the past, their eyes wore
transfixed on Him and all His movements,and they
always listened intently. This time would be no
different.
"What
Jesusasked them,
do you remember
most about my final days with you?"
"Master, youknowitwas thepain
andsuffering you endured carrying your cross and then being
crucified on it," they all said.
"OK", said Jesus. "Peter, you
said that you
have all been struggling. Did I not tell you that none
of you would be free of strugglesand challenges,and
that in being my followers you would face difficulties?''
"Yes," saidPeter,t'but..."
' 'There is no room for
',
buts,my friends' said
"
Jesus.''Thatl madevery clear. And with that,Jesus
recalled for them some of the comments and lessons
He had given to thern in the past.
"Remember when I told you", He said, "if
someonowishesto comeafter me, they must deny
theirvery self,takeup theircross,andbeginto follow
in my footsteps.I really moantthat."
"We remernberMaster," they
said.
Jesusexplainedto themthat crossescomein
manyforms. Sometimes
theyaresmall,or sometimes
largeandheavyandlastingfor yearsandthattheyare
to be expectedamongHis followers. "Each daywill
bring its own sharoof crossos,"He said. "To carry
themjoyfully you'l1needhelpandthathelpwill come
from the thoughtof me in your heart. Every oneof
your crosseshasbeenselectedpreciselyfor you and
sentto you at the right time. Throughyour crossesI
wantyou to becomecloseto me."
"My cross'',Jesussaid,"a lirnb
of a tree,is
whatmy Fatherchosefor me. The crossesyou bear
arolargelypartsof your dailylife. Theywerechosen
just for you, soreceivethemfrom my Father'shands.
But alwaysremember,
I will notletyourburdensgrow
onebit too heavyfor your strength."
"My friends,if you love the
cross,you area
true follower of mine. If you refuseit with anger,
impatience,fault-finding,criticismof othersandunyoucannotbeoneofmyfollowers.Solook
kindness,
to recognizemy crosswhen people and situations
botheranddisturbyou. Think aboutthesituationyou
fi ndyourself in, try to work it out,but at all timesstrive
to confrontit vrith self control, as if you were mo.
Each moment of the day I want you to feel my
nearnessto you. When trials come to you, try to
handlethemasI did. Makeyourlife a daily actoflove
for me."
WhenJesuswasfinishedspeakingwiththem,
Heprayedoverthem,askingHis Fatherto makethern
strongfor all that wasto come. He went aroundthe
roomandquietlygaveeachoneof themahug.By now
therewasabeautifulmoodofpeacefulnesspresent
in
the room. Jesusmovedslowly towardthe door. He
wavedgood bye,andreachedfor thelatch.ThenPeter
spokeonemoretime. "Master, will you be coming
back?" Jesusgavehimandall His friendsabig smile,
thenturnedanddeparted.
DialogueQuestion:How am I carryingmy crosses
right now? How doesmy answermakeme feel?
Matrimony
IB
A MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER AWAKENING
I
I
CAME HERE NOT KNOWING WHAT I WOULD FIND,
SAW ONLY ONE PERSON WITH SKIN OF IVIYKIND
MORE OFTEN rr'S
DEBBTE WHO'S THE FrSH OUT OF WATER,
BUT LOOKING DIFFERENT DIDN'T MAKE },IE RUN FOR THE BORDER
I IvIET A PRIEST NAMED FATHER JOE,
NOW I I',IUST LOVE HIM HE TOLD IVIE SO
I
I
SPENT TIME WITH l"IY PASTOR AS WE ATE,
RETURNED TO THE CHURCH LAST YEAR IT WAS NOT TOO LATE
TOTAL STRANGERS WHO ARE STRANGERS NO MORE,
SPENT THE WEEKEND SHARING AND OPENING LOCKED DOORS
WE HAVE LOOKED AT THEIR LIVES TOGETHER AND SEEN OUR OWN,
WE HAVE GAINED NEW KNOWLEDGEAND BOY HAVE WE GROWN
THANKS TO GRETCHENAND KEN FOR THEIR SELFLESS DEDICATION,
IN HELPING OTHER COUPLES TO BETTER THEIR RELATIONS
TO BONNIE AND DICK FOR THEIR ENDLESS ENERGY,
YOUILL ALWAYS AND FOREVER BE A PART OF OUR MEMORY
TO HERI,IIE AND LARRY A NEW CAUSE YOU FOUND,
THAT HELPED OTHER COUPLES GET THETR LOVE OFF THE GROUND
TO FATHER JOE FROIvITHE LAND OF THE EARTHQUAKE,
YOU TAUGHT US HOW TO LOVE AND LOVE FOR GODS' SAKE,
IF WE TAKE ANYTHING AWAY ON THIS DAY,
IT WILL BE YOUR MESSAGE TO LET LOVE REIGN
WE SAW GROWN MEN CRY AND EMBRACE THEIR WIVES,
IT GAVE US IMMENSE JOY TO SEE LOVE IN THETR EYES
TO QUOTE THE WORDS OF I'lY LOVING WIFE,
G O D I S N O W R I D I N G S H O T G U N O N O U R S T A G E C O A C HO F ' L I F E
WE ARE HEADING HOIiIE TO START ANEW,
T O S H A R E , L O V E , A N D G R O WO U R W H O L E L I V E S
THROUGH.
JOHN SULLIVAN
JAN. 16, 1994
written on The African American perspective Weekend
Norfolk, Virginia
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