DCBA Grief

The Disgrace of the DuPage County Bar Association
ELSNER THE
CONQUEROR
Volume 6 Issue 1
April, 2012
SHARKTALK READS:
PLAINTIFF RECORDS:
“Look, you idiot, we’ve got you
on the law and on the facts. Get
off your high horse and quit
wasting my time with these
stupid discovery motions. We
all know you’re just churning
the file, burning time to make
a buck until the carrier’s had
enough. Enough already!”
DEFENSE RECORDS:
“I have reviewed your discovery motion and, pursuant to
Supreme Court Ruie 201(k), am
writing to request that we meet
and confer to discuss the issues
raised by that motion and an
appropriate resolution. Perhaps
we could also use this time to
discuss a possible settlement,”
SHARKTALK READS:
“This is how you work, you
low-life bottom feeder? You file
this work of fiction and call it a
complaint? Then you think you
can just fish for facts, make my
client’s life a living hell and hope
we’ll pay you off just to make
you go away? Judging from your
suits, that hasn’t worked well in
the past for you, has it?”
THE JUDGE RECORDS:
“Thank you for your correspondence regarding our motion to
quash your discovery requests.
I have reviewed the pleadings
in this case and your discovery
and remain hopeful that we can
reach some kind of compromise
on the requests. If not, we can
of course discuss the case more
after the hearing next week. “
SHARKTALK READS:
“I would just as soon poke a
stick in my eye as listen to you
two blather on any more. Neither one of you has the first clue
how to practice law. If I could,
I’d shove you both in the same
cell for a few weeks until you’ve
worked this out. No, strike that,
let’s just throw away the key.”
“I have reviewed the motion filed
by defense counsel, plaintiff ’s
response and defendant’s reply
and the authorities cited therein
and I have carefully considered
the able arguments of both attorneys during the hearing on this
matter. The motion is granted in
part and denied in part.”
SAY WHAT YOU THINK AND THE
“SHARKTALK LEGALLY SPEAKING”
SOFTWARE INSTANTLY CONVERTS IT
INTO LANGUAGE YOU CAN USE IN COURT!
This is the software you’ve been waiting for! Go ahead, speak your
mind, say what you really mean. SharkTalk will take it from there!
Table of contents
From the Editor
by Melissa Piwowar
3
Volume
olume 6, IIssue 1
April, 2012
Eric R. Waltmire
President’s Message 6
Not Really by Colleen McLaughlin*
The Dean
Terrence Benshoof
The Principal
Letters to the Editor 8
Melissa Piwowar
Helicopter Parent
Shameless
Self-Promotion
Dressed Up To
Look Like News 9
John J. Pcolinski, Jr.
The Bad Seed
Sean McCumber
Occupy ARC Gets Noticed 10
The Rebel
Mark J. Carroll
DCBA Invades Cuba 11
Hangs With The Wrong Crowd
Actual New Lawyer Sighted at
New Lawyer Event 13
Ted A. Donner
DCBA Considers New Bylaws Including
New Form for Judicial Applications 14
Profile: “Zombie” John Lapinski 30
Erica L. Bertini
Jonathan P. Crannell
Michael J. Davis
Joseph F. Emmerth IV
Glenn Gaff ney
William D. Goren
Jon D. Hoag
Raleigh D. Kalbfleisch
Shawn S. Kasserman
Deborah Klein
Jeff rey J. Kroll
James F. McCluskey
Timothy B. Newitt
Arthur W. Rummler
James L. Ryan
David N. Schaffer
Daniel Walker, Jr.
Legal Aid Update 34
Not Really by Brenda Carroll*
Jacki Hamler
Wheel Man
Judge Elsner Debuts DCTV 18
Ramblings and Rumblings 21
A lot of which is by Brent Christensen
Legal Mumbo-Jumbo
That’s In Here So We Look
Sophisticated and Brainy 23
Stuff They Make Us Print
29
The Wrong Crowd
School Nurse
ISBA Update 33
Some by Jim McCluskey*
Mary Anne McManus
IRS Update 32
Sorta by Terry Benshoof*
Alexandra Donner
DCBA Update 32
Way Not by Leslie Monahan*
Judicial Centerfold
36
Detention Officer
AV Club President
Cover image created
by Cherif Fortin ©2012.
Our thanks as always, Cherif
(check out his portfolio at cheriffortin.com)
A PR I L 2012
1
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benefits and services.
From the Editor
photo © R EP3.com
It Seemed Like A Good
Idea At The Time
By Melissa Piwowar
S
ix years later and the DCBA
Grief is still going strong.
Quite frankly, I don’t think it
occurred to the Editorial Board that
the DCBA would still be letting us
print this thing. (Editorial Board
= the fancy new, official, scholarly
sounding name we have just given
what was previously known as the
Publication Board aka the “Pub
Board”) But like your weird uncle,
if you keep inviting us back, don’t be
surprised when we show up, again.
We usually feel the need to explain right away, especially for any
new members, the DCBA Grief
(this side of the magazine) is a
parody, top to bottom of the DCBA
Brief. It’s the April Fools issue where
we get to publish anything we can
get past our Editor-in-Chief and
keep plausible deniability by crediting mostly fictitious authors. The
DCBA Grief is a collaboration of
work put together in the free, or not
so free time, of the Editorial Board,
DCBA members and even a few of
our friends who get dragged in for a
favor or two. (This is the part where
we get all grateful and start name
dropping, hold on to your lunch.)
The Editorial Board provides a
never ending stream of material year
round by being one of the hardest
working and funniest committees
in the Bar (see our member roster
next to the Table of Contents on
page one). When it came time to
put pen to paper, many of the News,
Features, Articles, Ads and what-
ever else you see on this side of the
magazine were written by Editorial
Board members Terry Benshoof,
Sean McCumber, Jim McCluskey, John Pcolinski or yours truly.
DCBA member and Grief newbie
Brent Christensen also jumped in
to lend a hand this year. DCBA/
Editorial Board Liaison and QueenOf-All-Bar-Things Jacki Hamler
and Executive Director Leslie Monahan make everything we do for
the Grief easier. Ted Donner created
the DCBA Grief six years ago and
he is a true partner in crime. Ted not
only writes for the Grief every year,
he also lends his talents for the layout and graphic design on this side
of the magazine. I can honestly say
“it’s [mostly] all his fault.”
The true “volunteers” are our
friends and family that get arm
twisted into lending their talents to
make this magazine look better and
sound funnier than it would if we
were left to our own devices. Holly
Koch and Ashley Rufino, once
again, provided a sense of humor
and some new material when it was
needed. Alexandra Donner lent her
graphic design talents to some of
our advertising and Cherif Fortin
created our cover image. (Caution:
shameless plug ahead.) Cherif is a
dear friend and fire fighter for the
city of Elgin. When he is off duty he
runs Cherif Fortin Imaging (cheriffortin.com), a company that specializes in photography, illustration
and graphic design work including,
among other things, illustrations
for romance novel covers. A man
of many talents, this is not the first
time Cherif ’s work has appeared
in the DCBA Grief. For the past
several years, he was the model and
illustrator for Robin AlgonquinFortin Court Reporters, a popular
Grief advertiser who advertised
the services of male court reporters - yeah that one. He is a great
sport and a very talented artist who
patiently revised the artwork we
asked for each time it was deemed a
bit too risqué for the cover. And you
thought pajamas in the courtroom
was pushing it.
We hope you enjoy what we
have put together; we sure had fun
doing it. All the News, Articles and
Features you have come to expect
from the DCBA Grief are just a page
away. One new addition this year,
due to an overwhelming number
of requests, is the inaugural DCBA
Grief Judicial Centerfold.
Enjoy…. □
Melissa Piwowar is a Paralegal with Donner
& Company Law Offices LLC in Wheaton,
Illinois. She served as the Assistant Editor of
the DCBA Brief from 2010-11, is a member
of the DCBA Publication Board, and the
Editor of the annual DCBA Grief. She received the DCBA Baord of Director’s Award
in May, 2011. A regular contributor to this
magazine, she is also a contributor to Jury
Selection: Strategy & Science, by Ted Donner
and Richard Gabriel. now in its fourth edition for Thomson West Publishing.
A PR I L 2012
3
WHAT
EVERY
LAWYER
WANTS
IN ONE
LITTLE
BLUE
PATCH
Advil? Pepcid? Zoloft? Whatever ails
you, whatever’s making it hard to get
through that next court call,
TRIASSIFIXTM has you covered.
Her’es how it wotrks. You take things
like Pepcid for stomach troubles,
right? You use Advil for headaches,
or something like it? Maybe you
use Zolof t or another produc t
for your nerves? C’mon, you’re a
lawyer, you need all three, right?
And now there’s the attorney’s
little helper. A product with all three
solutions in one little blue patch.
TriAssifix is so not ever going to be FD A approved.
TRIASSIFIX
TM
(TRY-ASS-EH-FIX) (mysortush)
PATIENT INFORMATION
What is the most important information I should know about TRIASSIFIX?
TRIASSIFIXTM is a medicine that affects your circulatory, immune and
legal systems. As with any medication,
TRIASSIFIXTM may cause side effects.
TRIASSIFIXTM can be habit forming.
Ceasing this medication once you
begin taking it is not recommended.
Call your bar association for help or
the number of a local detox program.
Long term use has been known to
cause delusions of grandeur and
super human powers due to an increase in brain productivity.
Most Common Side Effects:
• Vision changes are common,
patients report being unable to
distinguish between hourly and
contingency fee agreements.
• Some patients reported an increase in adverse rulings (rare).
• Also common is a moderate
increase in the fear of being out
of mobile phone contact (Nomophobia).
• Loss of the sense of smell (Anosmia).
• Patients experiencing loss of
muscle control and coordination
(most common) should double the
dosage until symptoms subside.
• In rare cases mouth foaming, excessive drooling, happy tail, salmonella, shedding, “hot spots,” parvo,
mad cow,
• Although not seen in clinical studies, may cause increased brown
pigmentation of the nose which is
likely permanent.
• All skin darkening is most likely,
CONSUMER BRIEF SUMMARY
CONSULT THE INTERNET OR YOUR
MOM FOR A FULL EXPLANATION
Read this page and listen to your doctor before you start taking TRIASSIFIX,
if you forget, check WebMD or some other internet medical website.
probably, in all likelihood reversible.
Further studies are needed.
Recent Study Results:
• Some patients reported sudden,
but mostly temporary amnesia.
Most test subjects reported that
memory returned upon ceasing use
of the medication. Many believe the
benefits of TRIASSIFIXTM outweigh
the risk of this side effect.
• A 2005, University of Minnesota
study found that 60% of DuPage
County TRIASSIFIXTM users experienced purple, green or blue urine
combined with visual and auditory
hallucinations, including x-ray vision.
• Most studies revealed some patients reporting an increased number of bowel movements, an urgent
need to have them, an inability to
control them and an increase in
motions to vacate, particularly after
trials, hearings, depositions, CLE
events and lunch at Café DuPage.
Researchers theorize this side effect may be a result of exposure to
excessive blustering. Further study
is required to confirm this finding.
It is recommended patients wear
dark clothing and bring a change
of clothes to important court calls
or off site depositions.
• Some trial subjects reported
performing activities in their sleep.
These activities include sleepwalking, eating, making phone calls,
having sex and billing time.
Discontinue use and contact your
physician immediately if you:
• Volunteer to chair Law Day.
• Start to think you have time for a
vacation.
• Have an oral argument that lasts
for more than four hours.
• File more than five motions for
time.
• Start to believe your last name is
Posner.
• Start to experience intense euphoric reactions to donuts, new
office equipment or software.
What should I tell my Doctor before
taking TRIASSIFIXTM?
• If you have recently received notice of a complaint or have a pending ARDC disciplinary investigation.
• If you are planning to run for President of the bar association.
• If you have applied for a Judicial
position in DuPage County more
than three times in the last five
years.
• If you agreed to edit the DCBA
Grief again this year.
• If you are a Democrat or a Leper in
DuPage County.
• If you are incapable of following
instructions.
Tell your doctor if you work a normal
work week, TRIASSIFIXTM may not be
for you.
Storage: Medication should be stored
in a locked drawer or cabinet out of
reach of children, animals and associates. It’s very expensive.
Caution: Do not apply patch below
the waist. May cause skin irritation and
excessive licking.
Also available in scored, easy to chew,
liver snaps.
President’s Message
You Know What
I’m Saying, Right?
By Colleen M. McLaughlin*
O
u r Editor-in-Chief, Eric
Waltmire, is always asking
me what I’m going to “write
about” for this column. What’s my
topic? My answer is “I don’t have
one.” And here’s why.
It’s not that I disagree that it
would be a good idea to have something to write about or a topic or what
have you but this is a serious organization and by organization I mean a
non-profit organization, really, and
there are lots and lots of good ideas
coming out of the membership and
Eric has some too and I’m not trying
to discourage Eric from having ideas
but, well, you know, it’s not that I’m
even unhappy or that I even disagree
with some of the ideas I’m sure he’s
had when we’re talking (or when I’m
talking anyway) but when it comes to
thinking of ideas to write about and
that kind of thing it reminds me, and I
can’t help thinking back to when I was
just starting out in the practice of law
and, you know what I’m saying, my
opposing counsel in a very important
case I remember, I was handling it for
a really prestigious client at the courthouse, you know, the one on County
Farm Road, not the one downtown or
in one of these other counties around
Chicago, but here on County Farm
Road, this lawyer asked me how much
time I wanted to file a response brief
and I said, well, I had to think about it.
And I did. You know what I’m saying?
There’s a few very important reasons why I don’t have something to
“write about” and the most important
of those reasons is that, before I was
President, I read through many, many
6
D c b a G ri e f
past issues of this magazine and some
of the President’s Messages were written by Steve Ruffalo (yes, Steve, I’m
talking to you and that means you
better come up with another chunk
of change for the DCBF because,
well, just because) and, well, I read
all these President’s messages and I
learned from that and I came to believe in my heart of hearts that when it
comes to writing about something in
the DCBA Brief, well, it’s just simply
not as simple as people want you to
believe. It’s complicated. It involves
this thing called a “topic” and, well,
I’m not a big believer in “topics.”
I’m big on “agendas,” right, but
not so much on “topics” or “themes.”
Or, I don’t know, maybe it’s the other
way around because, well, you know,
I did finally come up with a theme for
this year, remember? My Call to Participate! It was in my first President’s
message. Okay, maybe not at the
beginning when I was going on and
on about how I didn’t have a “theme”
but later on in the same article, if you
read that far, you would have seen
that I did finally say I have a “theme”
(as opposed to an “agenda”) and I announced that theme for the year as my
“Call to Participate.”
Look if you didn’t read it in the
DCBA Grief, you must have heard
it when I was installed as President
at the “Late Spring Food Eating and
Beverage Imbibing Event at a Nice
Place in Oakbrook Where People
Are Sworn In and There Are Movies
Too Event.” Remember now? It was
right before Jack Nicholson came on
screen and said “You can’t handle the
truth!” Right, exactly. So, you got it?
I said just before that, “Okay, I’ve got
a theme. I don’t have an agenda but I
do in fact have a theme.”
Sure, I suppose maybe that was
a bit confusing for some people who
don’t get it when you say you don’t
have a theme and then say you do and
then say you don’t again but this time
say it’s more of an agenda you don’t
have but then, also, maybe it wouldn’t
matter a whole lot to some people if,
you know, if I’d made sense the first
time anyway because, you know, folks
who get that easily confused, who
can’t tell the subtle difference between
a “theme” and an “agenda” to begin
with, maybe, you know, maybe we
all ought to wonder. When people say
things like that, when people question
what you’re getting at if you’re maybe
just a bit vague about what you’re getting at and they want to make a big
deal over it, well, you have to wonder
if they maybe have an “agenda” of their
own, you know what I’m saying?
I’ve tried to be clear about these
things, I really have, and I think that’s
pretty obvious from everything I’ve
done during my term as President. I
recall all too well, for example, when
I suggested at a Board meeting last
year that we get rid of the Halloween
party and have what we eventually
called the “Networking, Wine Tasting
and Cheese Nibbling Festivities at a
Decent Hour in the Evening at the
Morton Arboretum With Auctioning off of Condos for the Foundation
and Other Fun Things to Do Fall Bar
Association Event.”
Continued On Page 7
President’s Message
Continued From Page 6
I said at the time that I thought,
“instead of dressing up in these crazy
costumes that involve all kinds of
colored dyes and latex and shaving
your head and tattoos and lip piercings
and doing the whole sacrificial goat
thing and the grave digging thing,
which I always think is just way too
messy, and breaking people’s windows
and climbing into their homes in the
middle of the night to scare them
silly and then running off with all
their kitchen utensils, we should just
get together for a few drinks.” John
Pcolinski said, “Wait, what are you
talking about?” And I didn’t just keep
rambling on like some people say I
do. I stopped and I explained myself
as clearly as I could and we all agreed
that maybe we shoudn’t just call the
event “A Get Together For a Few
Drinks.” Me, I thought that would
have been fine, but I also thought,
just to be clear for anyone else who
didn’t understand what I was saying,
maybe we should give it a name that
provides maybe a bit more detailed
explanation and, sure enough, it was
a big success. Really, it was. No one
missed Halloween any more than they
did Judge’s Nite at the Abbington,
which is another event we’re thinking about renaming, by the way, but
since no one else seems to like “One
More Thing Steve Armamentos Has
to Gripe About,” we’re open to other
ideas. If you’ve got one, send it to
Leslie Monahan.
Look, here’s the thing. I am on
this committee with Sharon Mulyk
and Pat Hurley, which we have been
on together for like three years now,
and we have talked about this whole
theme/agenda/topic thing and we’ve
all agreed that maybe one big, overwhelming, super colossal universally
acceptable “topic” which makes ev-
eryone happy, no matter what team
they’re on, which is of interest to all of
our members and not just the chosen
few, would be a really good thing to
have. If it happens to reconcile the
inherent contradictions between unified field theory and quantum physics,
that would be good too, right? So…
exactly, right? But it takes time to
work out the kinks in an idea like
that, which is why we are continuing
to meet and revise and discuss the
formation of committees to establish
such a topic for future generations
to consider at their meetings so that
the DCBA can stand proud among
all the other bar associations in this
great country of ours with a President’s
message that’s so on topic it achieves
everyone’s common goals, helps us
all in our practice, and is really, really
very interesting. And so that’s the plan.
Okay, it’s not an agenda. It’s not a
theme. It’s not even really a topic. But
it’s my plan and I’m sticking to it. You
know what I’m saying? □
Colleen is the third woman President to
put up with the Board of Directors in the
DCBA’s 134 year history. Her commitment to this position is evidenced by her
showing up to board meetings, committee
meetings, and social events during her
tenure. As a DCBA Director, Colleen has
been attending those same meetings since
1999. She is a current member of the
ISBA Assembly of ISBA Assembly members and chair of the Agenda Advisory
Committee to the Assembly Committee
of ISBA Assembly of Assembly members.
After serving 16 years as an Assistant
Attorney General, Colleen got tired of it
and started her own Wheaton law firm in
1996, where she concentrates her practice
in advising her clients on various legal
related matters, representing primarily people who have some kind of legal
problem in state and federal court and
before administrative agencies.
We like to think of this little “Outfit” as
having a certain amount of “influence” in
this burg. So call us. Join now.
Colleen McLaughlin
The Boss
Sharon R. Mulyk
Underboss
Patrick B. Hurley
Skipper
Lynn C. Cavallo
Capo
Steven M. Ruffalo
“Retired”
Gerald A. Cassioppi
Consigliere
Bradley Pollock
Assoc. Consigliere
John A. Pleviak
Bookmaker
Arthur W. Rummler
Bookie
Leslie Monahan
Goomba
Angela M. Aliota
Dion U. Davi
Chantelle Porter
James J. Laraia
Timothy P. Martin
Michelle L. Moore
Terence C. Mullen
John J. Pcolinski, Jr.
Elizabeth A. Pope
Angel M. Traub
Timothy P. Whelan
The Crew
James F. McCluskey
Informant
A. John Pankau
Connected
A PR I L 2012
7
Letters to the Editor
Dear [Grief Editor],
Welcome back. As far as cover ideas
I think it should illustrate a concept
covered by one of the law articles
in that edition.
Thanks,
Eric Waltmire, Editor-in-Chief
Grief Response: Well, we have a few
thoughts....
Dear Grief,
Sorry for the delay in responding.
What do you have in mind for the
cover? I’m open to ideas.
-Eric Waltmire, Editor-in-Chief
Grief Response: Well, it would include
a Chief Judge...
Dear Grief,
I think it would be a fine idea to
feature Chief Judge Elsner on the
cover. What did you have in mind
for the shot?
-Eric Waltmire, Editor-in-Chief
Grief Response: Something flattering
of course. Maybe it’s best we discuss
it over the phone.
DCBA GRIEF ©2012 DuPage County
Bar Association (all rights reserved).
Unless otherwise stated, nothing
herein was authorized, reviewed or
even acknowledged by President
Colleen McLaughlin, Executive Director Leslie Monahan or anyone
else in the DCBA. No, it probably
should not have been printed or reprinted, in whole or in part, without
the express permission of the DCBA,
but it was. DISCLAIMER: Most all of
the opinions or positions expressed
8
D c b a G ri e f
Grief:
Any update on making those
changes? Like I said, I think we
need to cover him with a sash or
the like - as we discussed.
response as (1) you’re not done with
the changes or (2) you’re trying to
keep the cover top secret?
Grief Response: Uh, yeah that’s it. It’s
a surprise.
Grief Response: Oh, we thought you
said with “sass” not “sash” - whoops. Grief Editor:
After thinking on this some more, I
think, (1) we need to do away with
Grief:
What article does this relate to in the cheetah pattern on the shorts,
perhaps a kilt? and also (2) we need
the magazine again?
to add a shirt or armor that covers
-Eric Waltmire, Editor-in-Chief
the chest and stops at the waist but
can be a cut-off or tank top style to
Grief Response: Article? Um....
show the muscle arms, (3) also the
protrusion of the rhino from the
Grief:
I’m a little worried. Should one belt buckle might be problematic.
of us maybe shoot an email to the and (4) like I said, can we add a
cover artist to ask whether it’s easy cape or coat to make him look
enough to drape something over more like a Viking and less like a
Elsner’s shoulders or stick him in romance novel cover-- something
along those lines?
a vest maybe?
-Eric
Grief Response: Cheetah? I think that’s
leopard actually. And technically it’s a
Grief Response: ----loin cloth. Ok, we’ll put some clothes
on him. Sorry ladies. Romance novel?
Grief Editor:
Should I interpret the lack of Yeah sure, a cape. That’ll fix it. □
in articles appearing in the DCBA GRIEF
were not actually written by anyone we
said were authors and neither the facts
nor anything herein which appears to
have been even remotely based in fact
should actually be considered a fact.
Except of course the statements in this
disclaimer, which are true statements
regarding the falsity of all the other
statements in this magazine. Got it?
This is true. Everything else in this issue is not. Believe me. You do believe
me, don’t you? Have I ever lied to you?
Well, in this space in the magazine
anyway? Material submitted to the
DCBA GRIEF for possible publication
must conform with the DCBA GRIEF’s
Writers Guidelines which remain a
mystery to all but a very small group
of people. ADVERTISING AND PROMOTION: All of the advertising in this
publication is fictional. It’s like the
content, all fake. All made up. All
complete fiction. Remember? This is
true. Everything else is false, fiction...
make believe.
News & Events
Occupy
ARC Gets
Noticed
10
DCBA
Invades
Cuba
11
DCBA
Considers
New
Bylaws
14
New Lawyer
Sighted at
New
Lawyer
Event
13
New
Proposed
Judicial
Application
17
PLUS: “Elsner the Conqueror” debuts on DCTV:
ARDC Ethics Chief Guest Stars as
“Grogan, God of Legal Ethics” 18
Occupy ARC Movement Gets Noticed
A
fter seemingly months of
continuous occupancy of the
Attorney’s Resource Center
by a rag tag group of veteran attorneys
someone has finally noticed. Though
its origins are not fully documented,
common wisdom indicates the occupancy started shortly after the retirement of Judge Joe Bongiorno when
the comfy chairs in the corner became
available for use by actual lawyers.
While a leaderless and shifting group
in general, there are some fairly regular
participants.
In self-imposed exile from the ARC
since the retirement of his shadow,
Chief Judge Jack Elsner has been seen
there of late. “Well, the first thing I noticed was that these people apparently
have no homes, no lives, no practice
and no clue,” said Elsner. “Day after
day I see the same bunch sitting at what
I call ‘The Closing Argument Table’
because that’s the only place they actu-
ally deliver anything like an actual closing argument. The Rest of the time,
they’re just drinking coffee and telling
bad jokes from old Reader’s Digests.
Individually they aren’t worth paying
attention to but not unlike a flock of
starlings, as a group they can cause a lot
of havoc. I’m thinking about selling a
separate pass to attorneys for admission
to this place.”
Emerging from his Army issue pup
tent carrying a can of C-Rations,
OARC participant John McTigue
was asked what the protest is about.
“There’s a protest? Nobody told me. I
just come here to play with my phone
and tell punch lines to dirty jokes.
Maybe you can ask Pcolinski what it’s
about, he hasn’t left in months,” said
McTigue. For his part, John Pcolinski
disavowed any knowledge of a protest.
“I consider this marketing at its finest.
People come here to talk about screwy
cases. I’m pretty sure they think of me
whenever they have a screwy case. If I
hang out often enough, they refer them
to me instead of Patrick Edgerton.”
Raleigh Kalbfleish put it more
simply: “Next to Pcolinski I look posi-
tively statuesque.” “I’m not protesting
anything, said Joe Mirabella but I
can imagine why people would with
all these broads as lawyers now a days.
Hey, can you make sure my partner
Lynn doesn’t hear that?”
The gathering has not been without
its logistical problems. Fortunately
Terry Benshoof used it as another
excuse to dust off his uniform and provide “security.” Food and drink issues
became somewhat contentious. The
Kirkeles Bar and Grill which opened
in the conference room refused to serve
all comers. Proprietor Nick Kirkeles
explained himself, “We serve hard
drinks to men who want to get drunk
fast and we don’t need any ‘characters’
to give the joint ‘atmosphere.’ Okay,
you two pixies... Outta da door or trew
da window!” The Domestic Relations
staff, led by Judge John Demling,
started its own counter protest on
Thursdays objecting to the move to
donuts from Café DuPage as opposed
to Sauers. “We don’t care if it’s free,
we want Walt’s Package.” It remains
to be seen whether the rabble will ever
organize to accomplish anything. □
Scenes from Occupy ARC on Donut Day, February 16, 2012
10
DcbA GRIef
“Despots of the World” Lecture Series Canceled in Favor of
New Agenda For President’s Trip; DCBA Invades Cuba
W
hile planning her President’s Trip for this year,
current DCBA President Colleen McLaughlin, first
contemplated a hiking adventure
in the foothills of Iran but thought
better of it when she recalled Judge
Hollis Webster’s navigational issues while hiking around her Jackson Hole vacation home. She
then settled on a comparative law
theme and made arrangements for
members of the DCBA to read the
works of Hosni Mubarak, Moamar
Khadafi (aka Moammar Khadafy,
aka Muamar Qaddafi, aka Muamar
Gadhafi or “Mumu” to his friends)
and Bashar al-Assad in anticipation
of a lively discussion in sunny Nicaragua on the advantages of installing openly totalitarian rule here in
DuPage County.
“While some would say we
already have it here in DuPage,”
McLaughlin said, “I would argue
that totalitarianism has really only
become popular in the People’s
Republic of Naperville. It seems to
be working well there.” “I thought it
was time to explore expanding the
practice,” McLaughlin continued.
“I know Justice Joe Birkett was
interested in attending. Unfortunately, we couldn’t line up a speaker.
Mubarak was unavailable, Mumu
passed away and al-Assad, when we
called him, seemed too distracted by
a new collection of riot suppression
weaponry he had just purchased.
So, that fell apart and I decided we
could all use a little fun in the sun
and decided to invade Cuba.”
McLaughlin was able to scramble and quickly put together a strike
team headed by our very own Brent
Christensen who was just back
from a relaxing vacation from the
Fantasy Navy Seal Training Camp.
“Heh, heh,” Christensen said, “I
like to blow things up.” Other attendees included DCBA President
Elect Sharon Mulyk, who said she
thought it would give her a chance
to “scout for the next A.J.” and Sec-
ond Vice President Pat Hurley who
complained the whole time because
he “just wanted to steer the boat and
never got to.”
Highlights of the trip included
a stay at the luxurious Bay of Pigs
Hotel and Prison Camp, two 16
hour days rolling cigars, a tour of
the Havana based Fidel Castro
Museum of Army Fatigues and
1950’s Auto Auction and a lunch
lecture at the Desi Arnaz Center
on ‘Splainin Things Better on Trial
Advocacy Techniques. Fun was had
by all; most made it back. □
DCBA Third Vice-President Pat Hurley posing for one last photograph
before boarding, just prior to the group’s return trip to Florida.
A PR I L 2012
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Scientists Confirm Sighting of Actual New
Lawyer at DCBA New Lawyers’ Happy Hour
F
or years anthropologists had
all but abandoned the hope of
spotting a bona fide “new lawyer”
at the DCBA’s monthly networking
debauch known as New & Young
Lawyers’ Happy Hour. It now appears,
however, that rumors of the extinction
of actual new lawyers from the event
have been exaggerated. Just this last
month, scientists confirmed that Lex
Newbie, a 27 year old recent graduate
of The Juan Marichal Law School in the
Dominican Republic briefly attended
the event before being chased away by
several confused geriatric judges.
“We don’t mind that a new
lawyer would attend New Lawyers’
Happy Hour,” said Judge John Demling, whose unbroken streak of attendance at the monthly event is
unmatched. “But this Newbie guy was
a total pest. He barely listened to any
of our war stories before attempting
to circulate his resume. Dude was
lame – even Judge Leston thought so.”
Newbie appears to have also run afoul
with decorum by parking his rolling
brief case in an area reserved for the
more mature lawyers’ and judges’ walkers, canes and oxygen tanks.
Not every gray hair was
mussed by Newbie’s presence at the
event. One perennial Circuit Judge
Candidate, who asked not to be identified by name, was pleased with the
brief transfusion of new blood into
the event. “I thought the presence
of a new lawyer at the New Lawyers’
Happy Hour was a breath of fresh air,”
he said. “Before Demling and Leston
gave the kid the bum’s rush I was able
to toss out his resumes and shove at
least thirty yard signs into that rolling
brief case thingy.” □
Judge Elsner Rolls Out New Parking Lot Strtategy
N
ewly appointed Chief
Judge Jack Elsner has
announced a plan to restrict access to the surface parking
lot at the Henry J. Hyde Judicial
Office Facility Complex to attorneys who agree to a “nominal”
fee and to have a transponder
implanted in a chip behind their
ears. Among other features, the chip
would communicate with the attorney’s respective vehicles so that as
one leaves the vehicle, a holographic
image of Jack himself appears
standing behind the vehicle holding a cup of coffee and umbrella.
The all new “Court Valet” will also
have a pre-installed keyless entry
system, remote starter and parking pass. “It’ll be convenient on
those inclement weather days,”
said Courthouse Administrator,
“Zombie” John Lapinski. “Just
tap behind your ear as you leave
the courtroom and your car will
be warmed up by the time you get
done with your donut.” □
april 2 0 1 2
13
DCBA Grief Official Notice
I
DCBA Membership to Consider
Amendments to Bylaws
n anticipation of the Spring Drinking Liquoric Beverages and Networking With Other
Attorneys, Paralegals and Other Professionals While Participating in Another Silent Auction
Event, the DCBA Board of Directors intends to present proposed Amendments to the
DCBA Bylaws for vote by the general membership. These proposed Amendments to the Bylaws
were negotiated by the DCBA Board of Directors and the DCBA Grief Publication Board,
which had threatened to publish certain “images” in this edition unless a number of specific
Amendments were included among those to be considered. In order to participate in the vote,
members must be in good standing and be in attendance at the aforesaid event, tickets to which
may be purchased from the DCBA at a price of $85 per person ($750 for a table of ten). The
following Amendments will be voted on at that time:
Article II, Section 4.5
Committee Chair
Responsibilities
The committee chair of each
committee shall conduct at least one
CLE event per year. All committees
who fail to organize a CLE approved
event shall lose pizza privileges for
not less than three months. After
3 (three) months the committee
chair shall be eligible to apply for
reinstatement upon the submission
of an appropriate apology and
verification by the Executive Director
of acceptable completion of cleanup
duty at 6 (six) consecutive donut
Thursdays.
Article V, Section 2.
Executive Director’s
Responsibilities
In a d d i t i o n t o c a r r y i n g o u t
other duties as may be assigned
by the President or the Board of
Directors, the Executive Director
shall coordinate with personnel on
14
DcbA GRIef
every Donut Thursday to ensure the
reservation of one chocolate frosted
cake donut for Judge Demling.
Where appropriate to do so in matters
of Bench/Bar relations, additional
donut reservations may be made from
time to time upon the written request
and attestation by any 3 (three)
members of the DuPage judiciary.
Article V, Section 67
Past President’s Responsibilities
The past president shall, at each
meeting at which he or she may elect
to attend, if any, endeavor to suggest
at least 1 (one) controversial idea
that will cause other members of
the board to engage in fruitless and
extensive debate at the expense of the
current president’s agenda. The past
president may be eligible for the Past
President’s Award in any year in which
they are able to create an irreparable
rift between the current President and
any serving member of the Board of
Directors.
Article I, Section 58.4/509(d)
Past Year’s Editor’Responsibilities
The past year’s editor shall attend
meetings on a random, unpredictable
basis appearing for the sole purpose
of razzing, heckling and/or otherwise
unsettling the current editor,
challenging his sensibilities and/or
distracting him from the meeting
agenda. The past year’s editor shall
have no regular responsibilities, shall
write no articles, and shall participate
in no editorial work but shall make
promises to do things and shall hold
an important sounding title but which
shall in no way be construed so as to
actually impart any responsibility of
any kind on the past year’s editor.
Article VII, Section XIIVH
Special Meetings
Upon the vote of 1/16 th of the
Directors in attendance at any
meeting, a special meeting shall be
Continued On Page 15
DCBA Proposed Bylaws
Continued From Page 14
called of the Board of Directors to
reconsider any vote taken upon a
motion at any meeting that such
member of the Board of Directors
deems confusing, misguided, unclear,
forgotten or just plain stupid. Notice
may be waived and vote may be had
by electronic means as allowed under
section 23.2 of Article VXII of these
bylaws.
Article I, Amendment 1
DCBA Grief Foundation
The Foundation shall consist of
the members of the DCBA Grief
Publication Board and 6 (six) members
of the bar association with a sense
of humor. The founding members
shall be eligible for Ambassador
status. Ambassadors shall be eligible
members who can prove an excess
of 2500 hours of grief provided to
any member of the DCBA, Dupage
Judicial community or bar staff.
Proof by affidavit, appellate decision
or transcript shall be accepted. All
affidavits from bar association staff
shall be afforded double credit.
Article I, Section 10.3-5(a)
Grief Editor’s Responsibilities
In addition to carrying out other
duties as may be assigned, the
Editor-in-Chief shall do everything
in his or her power to encourage
letters to the editor submissions
to the magazine. The Editor-inChief shall, in his sole discretion,
determine such method or methods
as may be appropriate from time
to time. This may be accomplished
by printing such content which
would likely bring about a reaction
from the general membership or
Board of Directors including, but
not limited to: politically charged
commentary, failing to edit and
remove controversial comments
from the President’s Message (save
them from themselves), printing
typos generally, failing to provide
proper credit, attribution or praise to
any member, and revealing that the
DCBA Publication Board is and has
been run by Democrats for the last
10 (ten) years.
Article XII, Section 3.14159265
Location of Meetings
Unless by the consent of more than
2/3 (two-thirds) of the members
entitled to vote, all donut related
events shall occur within 1 (one) mile
of the Henry J. Hyde Judicial Office
Facilities Complex (the DuPage
County Courthouse).
Article IIII, Section 11.11
Disassociated Members
In the event a member of the Board of
Directors determines that a member
of the association conducts himself
or herself in a manner which reflects
badly on such board member, on
the Board as a whole or on the
Association, including but not limited
to the filing of pleadings which
require extensive briefing on the part
of such Board Member, the public
display of bad wardrobe choices at bar
association events, failure to exercise
appropriate deference by neglecting
to refer to such Board Member as
“your Honor” and bowing in his or
her presence, or in the event a Board
Member reasonably determines in the
exercise of his or her discretion that
such member is otherwise guilty of
acting like an ass, as otherwise defined
in these by laws, in lieu of removal,
such Board Member may call for a
finding of Disassociation. Upon a
majority vote of the full Board, the
member in question shall thereafter
be included in the membership
roster as “disassociated.” The bar staff
shall, in such event, ensure that such
disassociated member has bad seats
at Judges Nite, is given late notice of
all bar events, and receives a fuzzy,
out-of-focus picture for his or her
bar card.
Article 4, Section VIXGB
Cook County Day Passes
The DCBA shall be authorized to
issue and Cook County Attorneys
may purchase a temporary security
“Day Pass” through the DuPage
County Bar Association that allows
them to enter the 18th (Eighteenth)
Judicial Circuit court buildings.
Cook County Attorneys may also
(for an additional fee) purchase a
waiver that allows them to practice
law while in the building. All Cook
County Attorneys must have written
permission from the 18th Circuit
Court Administrator and/or Chief
Judge to practice law while in the
building.
Article XXIIV, Section 72
DCBA Judiciary Committee
Responsibilities
Each member of the Judiciary
Committee shall work numerous
unappreciated volunteer hours
making countless phone calls and
attending multiple meetings. Each
member shall possess sufficient skills
to decipher pure, unadulterated
bull excrement. Turtle like shells
to withstand dissatisfied candidate
abuse will be provided at association
expense.
Continued On Page 17
A PR I L 2012
15
DCBA Proposed Bylaws
Continued From Page 15
Article XXIIV, Section 73
DCBA Judiciary Committee
Each application provided by the
Judiciary Commitee to applicants
for consideration for the position
of Associate Judge shall include, at
minumium, the following:
Application for
Appointment
To the Office of
Associate Judge
Please print or type your answers to
the questions in this application. Use
additional pages as necessary.
(1) Name:
(2) List any other names people have
called you:
(3) Address(es):
Home:
Business:
Watering Hole:
(4) Are you admitted to practice law?
Anywhere?
(5) Are you married to any county
officials who control the courthouse
budget?
(10) What was the grade on your
high school Constitution test?
(11) Is your spouse/partner: (a)
Politically connected? (B) Related
to a sitting judge? (c) Hot?
(12) Do you now or have you ever
suffered from delusions?
(13) Identify three scenes from “The
GoodWife” which are based on
premises contrary to Illinois Law
amd explain why:
(14) Describe your perfect Tuesday:
(15) Please provide your Facebook,
Twitter and MySpace passwords:
(16) How many consecutive years
have you filled out this application?
(Please circle one only): (a) 1-5 (b)
5-10 (c) 10-15 (d) Delusional
(17) Cubs or Sox?
(18) What was the name of your
third grade crush?
(19) Do you have any mental,
physical or Democratic Party
disability that, with or without any
reasonable accommodation, would
prevent you from discharging the
duties of this office?
(20) Please provide a complete list
of all your contributions to Circuit
Judge campaigns in the last five
years:
(6) Are you related by blood to any
sitting Chief Judges?
(21) While completing this
application, did you remember to
use a #2 lead pencil?
(7) Are you partners with any
Speakers of the House of the General
Assembly?
(22) List of all Judicial Campaigns
you have chaired for the last five
years:
(8) Are you related by marriage to
any former Chief Judges and/or
Congressmen?
(23) Who do you believe are the
three (3) most valuable players in
the American League?
(9) How much water have you
carried for the Elephant?
(24) How’s about in the National
League?
(25) Please provide a complete list of
all charitable golf outings you have
attended and provide a copy of your
score card:
(26) Write a haiku, limerick, or short
poem that best represents you:
(27) List all national, state, specialty,
honorary and other bar association
foundation, legal aid and scholarship
fund contributions you have made in
the last 5 (five) years:
(28) Who’s faster, Superman or the
Flash (Silver Age)?
(29) List off all bar association
silent auctions you have attended,
description of all items or services
purchased with the price paid and
actual cash value of each item or
service:
(30) Two lawyers leave Cook
County at the same time. Lawyer A
takes the train and Lawyer B takes
the Eisenhower in a Prius. Both
Lawyers have a 9:30 status call in
DuPage County. Lawyer A is in
Chancery Division. Lawyer B is in
Law Division. Lawyer A’s train leaves
Ogilvie at 8:04 and is delayed by one
bus on the tracks and two passengers
loading strollers. Lawyer B is stuck
in traffic at Harlem and decides to
take the side roads. Lawyer A forgot
to charge his cell phone and lawyer
B is the former partner of a newly
appointed Judge. Neither calls to
say they’ll be late. Who’s case gets
DWP’d?
(31) List any elective offices you
have held:
(32) List any appointive offices you
have held:
(33) Date you became a states
attorney: □
A PR I L 2012
17
DCTV
GUIDE
Chief Judge Elsner
Announces
the Creation of
New Network
O
n January 24, 2012 Chief Justice
Thomas Kilbride announced that
the Supreme Court of Illinois is starting a pilot program to allow televised court
proceedings. Seizing on that opportunity,
Dupage County Chief Judge Jack Elsner
announced the Eighteenth Circuit’s plan to
create its own network and line of programming. “I see no reason why anyone should
have to actually come to court when we can
do everything by TV,” said Judge Elsner. “I
mean, let’s pretend that Judge Black doesn’t
live around here anymore and we can try
some new things. Plus, we think we can make
things a lot more entertaining and informative.” Elsner has since entered into a joint
venture with Lifetime Network and hopes
to soon have a full fall lineup of programming for the newly created DuPage Court
Television (DCTV). “The hope is to present a
realistic view of the workings of the DuPage
County Court System in an entertaining
way using DCTV as the vehicle,” said Elsner.
Among the programming will be:
18
D c b a G ri e f
Comedies!
Orange Jumpsuit Junction. A hilarious send up of the escapades
at a field court situated midway between Wheaton and Naperville.
“Come ride the little train that is rolling down the tracks to the Junction
(Orange Jumpsuit Junction). Forget about your rights, it’s time to
convict at the junction (Orange Jumpsuit Junction).”
All in the Pokey. Laugh along with irascible deputy sheriff Archie
Bunkum as he deals with the changing population of the county jail:
Dose were da days.
Legal Action. The DCBA Favorite is back in its new home! Sit back
and enjoy the antics as your host, Susan Alvardo, interviews some
of the funniest lawyers in DuPage County.
Game Shows!
Equi Justice. Judge Rod Equi stars in this action packed series, brought
to you by the DCBA Grief’s favorite sponsor, Dos Equis, and blending the
best of family court and “The Price is Right.”
Whel of Sentencing.You won’t believe what happens when the wheel
lands on “stupid!”
Circuit Feud. The winning family gets to pick the next associate judge.
60 Billable Minutes. See who can log the highest number of billable
hours on any given day by making pointless discovery motions and
specious petitions for rule to show cause.
Reality TV!
Adventure!
Donut Boss. An intimate look at life in the Attorney Resource Center,
starring Judge John Demling.
American Grandstand. A selection of the best of DuPage County
States Attorney’s press conferences.
Say Yes to the Robe. Judge Bruce Kelsey stars in this show about
finding the perfect judicial vestments (sponsored by DIS-ROBES).
Paul Blart, County Complex Secvurity Guard. Follow the county
security officers on their exciting duties, parking in various spots of
the County Complex and watching Netflix movies on their computers
during working hours.
Elsner the Conqueror. Our very own Chief Judge Jack Elsner stars
as the “Conqueror” in this ongoing series about life in the fields of
Western DuPage County back when the Norse Gods ruled the Earth.
Guest starring ARDC Chief, Jim Grogan, as “Grogan the God of Legal
Ethics,” Richard Felice as “Emperor Palpatine” and “Zombie John”
Lapinski as “Loki, the God of Mischief.” With CGI effects provided by
the DCBA’s own Mary Anne McManus, this is one to watch!
How I Met Your Cellmate. For mature audiences.
Lost. Follow Judge Hollis Webster as she treks through the Tetons
in search of a way home. Filmed on location.
Law & Order!
Talk Shows!
Berlin’s Angels. Follow three new Assistant States’ Attorneys as they
learn the ropes in the Eighteenth Judicial Circuit and find themselves
embroiled in a series of mysteries and action-packed adventures.
The Good Judge. We’ll get the law right this time. We promise.
Jacki! Yes, indeed, we’ve got her! Jacki Hamler, the Queen of
All Bar Things, stars in this weekly talkie featuring guest stars
drawn from throughout the DuPage Bar community. With Steve
Armamentos and the Judge’s Nite Band, Jacki brings her unique
brand of humor to a series the DCBA Grief is already calling “Must
See TV.” Join Jacki for this exciting weekly talk-fest, from behind
the scenes at DCBA Directors meetings to exclusive red carpet
interviews before the annual President’s Ball. □
Also in development: Konetsky and Hutch, Anderson, P.I., Two
and a Half Convictions starring Rolando Cruz, As the Jury Turns
and One Life to Give, a sentencing guideline melodrama.
april 2 0 1 2
19
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Ramblings & Rumblings
We’re Blaming
On Brent Christensen*
Exploratory Committee
Researches Feasability
The DCBA Strategic Plan Exploratory
Committee is set to research the
feasability of support for an election
to elect a committee that would be
charged with the task of organizing the
agenda for a meeting of the committee
that would put together the proposed
strategic plan in preparation for the
board vote to approve the strategic
plan including the plan to form
committees to plan upcoming events,
CLE seminars and a committee to
explore the possibility of planning a
tri-annual meeting of the exploratory
committee as well as a proposed by-law
amendment to make the exploratory
committee a permanent committee.
Elsner and Sutter Make Nice
A rift between Chief Judge Jack
Elsner and Circuit Judge Ron Sutter
appears to be coming to an end.
Frequent readers of this column will
remember that the rift began when
Sutter, front man for the Judges’ Nite
Band, refused Elsner’s request that
the band play “Hail to the Chief ” at
Elsner’s coronation as Chief Judge. “It
wasn’t anything personal,” Sutter said.
“It’s just that particular song has some
really hard chords to play.” Whether
it was personal or not may be up for
debate, but at least the short-lived
controversy is now over.
From now on, all meetings of the
Circuit Judges presided over by Elsner
will be preceded by a brief prayer
and Sutter’s acoustic rendition of The
Mickey Mouse Club theme song.
Cronin Under Pressure to
Make Another
Decision About Escalators
DuPage County Board Chairman,
Dan Cronin has been under increasing
pressure to replace the used escalators
installed just last year at the DuPage
County Judicial Center. While the
“new” escalators – obtained by the
County on E-Bay from a defunct East
German-era shopping mall – have
actually performed quite well, pressure
on Cronin to replace them has come
primarily from the firm which had
the maintenance contract on the old
escalators. A spokesman for Acme Escalator Repair said the firm’s revenues
have plummeted since the installation of the German escalators. “This
wouldn’t have happened had DuPage
County installed an escalator made in
America,” the spokesman said. “If it
had, American escalator manufacturing
jobs would have been protected as well
as the jobs of those Americans required
to render the weekly repairs.”
Kachiroubus Announces
“First in Line” Program
For Attorneys
Capitalizing on the success of Sheriff
John Zaruba’s “Get Out of Jail Free
Card” Program and Chief Judge Jack
Elsner’s Preferred Parking Program,
Circuit Court Clerk Chris Kachiroubas announces his new courtstreamlining program, “First in Line.”
Kachiroubas proudly proclaims, “No
more will the first spot on the courtroom docket sheet be for the first time
period, in filing date order,” he said.
“Now, the top spot is going to mean
something.” For a nominal monthly
fee, attorneys can purchase the primary position on each courtroom’s
daily docket. This will give attorneys
certain privileges, including: the right
to show for Court whenever it is truly
convenient, the right to bump pro se
litigants out of the way for any reason,
the right to approach the courtroom
clerk and interrupt him or her for any
reason, and the freedom to speak to
any person in the courtroom, at any
volume, without reprisal from the
deputy assigned to the courtroom.
Condo Fundraiser Proves
A Great Success for DCBA
for Fall Networking Event
Finally, the DCBA Fall networking
event and condo auction was a rousing
success. Several members generously
contributed weekly stays in their condos to the Legal Aid silent auction.
Over $2,500 was raised thanks in
large part to some marvelous condos
offered in some of DuPage’s finest office
buildings. Several office suites offered
conference room access and kitchen
privileges including a few with part
time reception help and internet access.
The late November event arrived just
in time for condo donors to deduct the
fair market value from their 2011 taxes
as an in-kind contribution. “Wow,
for one whole week in August, I can
skip that long drive from Naperville!
Now with just a walk across County
Farm Road to the courthouse, I can
get all the free coffee I want from the
the ARC. Some days they even have
donuts!” one lucky winning bidder was
overheard saying. □
april 2 0 1 2
21
Illinois caselaw Update
Jones v. Davis, 1111 Ill.App.3d 123,
653 N.E.2d 7779 (2nd Dist. 2011),
majority opinion by Justice Ann B.
Jorgensen.
Justice Ann Jorgensen’s beautifully
poetic view of Jones v. Davis seems to
question the very nature of summary
judgment. Told in five sections,
Jorgensen’s writing may start out slow,
but in just a few sentences, her tale of
a group of shareholders who came to
the United States to build a mail order
business in the 1990s quickly evolves.
By the end, it should be clear to anyone
who has the opportunity to read this
intelligent and masterful prose that
Jones v. Davis should be counted among
the most riveting of opinions Jorgensen
has ever written.
It will be remembered as a true
classic, bound to find mention and to
be quoted in the briefs and arguments
of her readers for many years to come.
The tale of two disenfranchised
minority owners who are marginalized
by the majority shareholders,
Jorgensen’s six-page decision takes
the reader through a two decade long
journey of countless freeze outs, a
dilution of their shares, and a host of
nefarious tactics and shenanigans.
Referring to her protagonists
as “plaintiffs” rather than by their
individual names keeps us from seeing
more of the individual characters’ roles
in the story, thus forcing the reader
to bear witness to the conduct of the
defendants without burdening us
with insignificant details. By the time
Jorgensen leaves the captivating story
which serves as her prologue, there are
no questions -- no questions, at least,
that we might consider material.
McGinnis v. Triassifix, Ltd., 222
F.3d 1131 (7th Cir. 2011), majority
opinion by Judge Richard Posner.
Like most of his audience, we
anxiously await each new installment
22
DcbA GRIef
in Judge Posner’s ongoing story of a
witty and charming appellate court
judge whose only regret in life is that
he must suffer through the banal and
often myopic work of attorneys who
just don’t seem to get it. As many times
as we’ve read this story, how is it we
never tire of it? Whatever the setting,
whatever the underlying tale, each time
Judge Posner takes his pen in hand, we
are happily brought into the familiar
world of a character we may suspect
is somewhat autobiographical in his
roots, but whose charm always wins us
over and who, in the end, always saves
the day. Posner’s occasional digressions
into stories about Pixie, the white-andgray Maine Coon cat who “gives him
nuzzles,” only makes him all the more
endearing.
Like each of Posner’s works before
it, McGinnis v. Triassifix may start off
posing what seems like an unsolvable
dilemma. But, as Posner takes us by the
hand through the dark forests of federal
civil procedure and Congressional
intent, we know that, in the end, the
sun will rise and the story will reach its
inevitable conclusion. Our hero takes
center stage and tells us how, through
his remarkable methodology and
deductive reasoning, he has discovered
the answers to each and all of the
questions posed by his protagonists.
Like in an old Sherlock Homes or
Charlie Chan serial, the final moment
is Posner’s. So reading McGinnis never
disappoints, although it does leave us
to wonder.
In the end, do we really still need
the Aristotelian notion of protagonist
and antagonist in a Posner opinion?
Must there be a conflict or any
kind of rising tension for us to
truly appreciate the cadence of his
authorship? How far can the bounds
of Posner’s narrative be stretched and
still provide the satisfaction we have
come to expect from him?
Jones v. Davis, 1111 Ill.App.3d 123,
653 N.E.2d 7779 (2nd Dist. 2011),
dissenting opinion by Justice Joseph
Birkett.
Justice Joe Birkett’s opinion in
Jones v. Davis isn’t so much an original
work as it is a critique of the creative
legacy of Justice Ann Jorgensen. In
that respect, Birkett’s latest installment
is a disappointment. Still, Birkett’s
exquisitely accomplished prose defines
the characters in his drama swiftly and
beautifully. He may be no novelist,
but he is surely establishing himself as
one of those rare, hard-hitting jurists
who can make truth surpass fiction,
a documentarian with a superb sense
of human drama, making us forget
that this is the work of a former States
Attorney.
“It’s time to stop pretending
these tests apply to us,” Birkett says
first, bringing a refreshing, blunt
brutality to his perspective. Never
condescending to his subjects, Birkett
dissects Jorgensen’s majority opinion
like a pig in freshman biology. It is
a calamitous effort – Birkett would
clearly have done well to review the
great history of Jorgensen’s work before
venturing into this – but by embracing
the sewage, both literal and moral, that
pervades the abject, pathetic history
of summary judgment, Birkett raises
some stark and poignant questions.
To criticize Birkett’s analysis does not
do justice to his agile prose, or the wry
tone and surprisingly upbeat theatrics
which underscore his opinion. □
Michael R. Sitrick, our Caselaw Update
Editor, is an associate attorney with the
law firm of Mamet, Sloane & Patinkin in
Glendale Heights, Illinois. A former critic for
the Chicago Reader, Sitrick served as Articles
Editor for the Arts & Entertainment Law
Review at the University of Thespian Legal
Studies in Seattle, Washington, where he
graduated magna cum laude in 2007.
Articles
Fair Market Value Concepts and
Applications: Why You Need a
Business Valuation Expert
By Danielle Hoogerwerf
Maybe Next Month:
“Very Truly Yours” Can Get
You Very Truly in Trouble
by Some Old Friend of Joe’s
Don’t Make Me Charge You With
What You Really Did
by Bob Berlin
Where the Apostrophe Goes
in “State’s Attorney”
by Tim Newitt
Punctuation Junction.
What’s Your Function?
by Tim Newitt
From This Month’s articles Editor
Interesting and Insightful
Articles About Mind
Blowing Legal Issues
By Joseph Knight
I
t’s always an honor to work an
issue of the DCBA Grief. You
might think the publication
board (aka the Publications Board/
Pub Board/Board of Publications/
Editorial Board) is all fun and
games, but it really is serious business. Without the contribution of
these people and dozens of their
friends, we, the general members
of the DCBA, would have none of
these scholarly articles each month.
One could argue every DCBA
member is just a bit smarter around
them. Hundreds of hours are spent
each month putting this magazine
together. The gravity of the task is
one an Articles Editor cannot take
lightly. After all, the Articles section, the meat, the heart and soul
of this magazine, is the only one
that gets published on Westlaw.
As an Articles Editor, you have to
find people to write articles and
then you edit them. What no one
tells you is that 90% of the Articles
Editor’s job is herding all those
authors, answering emails, making
phone calls that go unreturned and
answering the same question over
and over: “What’s my deadline
again?”
The big dawg at the helm who
oversees everything is Editor-inChief, Eric Waltmire. With the
24
D c b a G ri e f
help of the rest of the Editorial
Board, he makes sure the News and
Features sections of the magazine
are full of all the important profiles,
interviews, news and events the
DCBA cares about. The Articles
Editor is only responsible for the
articles. Eric takes the Article
Editor’s articles, re-edits them and
makes the final decision on what
goes to press. Alas, the bar magazine being the cut-throat business
that it is, no one is guaranteed
their submissions will make it to
publication. They need to measure
up to “DCBA standards.” Printing
and mailing isn’t cheap and budgets
are tight these days and Eric’s got
to put together this massive ship
and still make sure it doesn’t sink.
Each Articles Editor takes on
the challenge to find new articles
on new subjects. After all, the
DCBA Grief is in its sixth year of
publication. Eventually you run
out of material. I believe I managed to put together an issue with
interesting and insightful pieces
on some fairly mind blowing legal
issues.
First up, an interesting and
probing review by my law school
roommate of the Rules of Professional Conduct and a practice so
widely used that almost every at-
torney in the bar is guilty of it.
“Very Truly Yours; Can Get You Very
Truly in Trouble” discusses how using this popular sign off in letters
to opposing counsel could violate
the rules of professional conduct
covering honesty, integrity and
conflicts of interest.
Sometimes, just when it might
seem that all hope is lost for finding something new to write about,
the Illinois Legislature pulls
through. DuPage State’s Attorney
Bob Berlin helped introduce legislation creating the new misdemeanor of “stupid.” Defendants
acting with a “reckless disregard
with the manner in which [they]
wield their stupidity” will be guilty
of a felony, the bill is still in committee but Berlin himself penned
“Don’t Make Me Charge You with
What You Really Did.”
The third article, because all
Eric said I needed to turn in was
three, takes a look at where the
apostrophe goes in “State’s Attorney” by Tim Newitt. I know
the Editorial Board would love
to know if it’s State’s Attorney,
States Attorney, or States’ Attorney. Don’t even get me started on
when you are talking about the
office and the “attorney” gets to
be plural, possessive, or both. Is it
State’s Attorneys’, States’ Attorneys’, States’
Attorney’s, State’s Attorney’s, State’s Attorneys or States Attorneys?
Finally, my back up article, because
you never know when someone is going to
flake or just plain miss the deadline, examined how much weight a comma should
be afforded in construing a contract. Tim
Newitt, pulled double duty this month by
graciously agreeing to write a second article about the most expensive punctuation
mark in the English language. “Punctuation
Junction. What’s Your Function?” examines
Illinois appellate court decisions over the
last 30 years and provides the grammar
challenged litigator and transactional attorney a primer on a hotly litigated issue. As
a bonus Newitt also provides an analysis of
how he thinks the Illinois Supreme court
will finally resolve the split between the 1st
and 2nd District Courts. I’m sure that our
fearless Editor-in-Chief, thought long and
hard before choosing which of these articles
should be published in this issue. To all my
authors who, like me worked tirelessly on
their articles, take heart. We appreciate your
efforts. Without them we wouldn’t have
such a first rate magazine. While there’s a
lot of work involved, it’s hard to say it’s not
all worth it when you see the end result. □
Joseph Knight is an associate at Walsh, Knippen,
Knight and Polecat where he represents plaintiffs
in personal injury and Pilates negligence cases
and practices some of what he preaches. He is
also an adjunct professor at the Wooster Community College where he teaches Comparative
History of Circuit Judges. Joseph’s obtained his
undergraduate degree in musicality from the
University of Phoenix in 2002. In 2008 he
received his law degree from the James Monroe
School of Law at Monrovia in the West African
nation of Liberia. While in law school he served
as the co-chief notes editor of the James Monroe
Law Review and chair of the schools Exercise
Interest Law Foundation’s Career Committee.
Articles from Our friends
The articles published in this magazine are generally
contributed by lawyers and paralegals we know. If
you’re interested in submitting an article to be considered for publication we would be thrilled. Our friends
are tired of writing for this magazine. Please contact
Joe Emmerth at [email protected]. Our
publication guidelines for author submissions are on
the website but nobody really follows them anyway.
Don’t worry, our editors will fix all the problems with
your article and turn that sows ear into a publishable
silk purse. If you need them, someone told us you can
get CLE credit just for helping us out.
Not-Yet-A-Lawyer Articles
The DCBA Grief has a long-standing commitment to
providing an opportunity for law students to get published. If you’re a real life law student and have some
spare time or happen to be without an internship or
Summer associate gig, you might as well do something
productive. That resume isn’t going to fill itself. If you
can fake an interest in the practice of law in DuPage
County, you can join the DCBA for no charge. In return
for this free membership we ask that you contribute
articles to be considered for publication. We never
guarantee submissions will actually get published, but
submit away. Please contact Joe Emmerth at [email protected].
Sidebars
This is the part of the DCBA Grief no one publishes
anymore - because it’s a pain in the backside to edit.
The lifeblood of the DCBA is its committees and they
are made up of practitioners with an interest in a particular area of law. We were hoping that in addition
to the many CLE seminars they host, they would put
together case law updates that appear in a section of
the magazine called “Sidebars.” It had all the ingredients for success - like a witty name. In magazine lingo
“sidebars” are what you call this boxy thing on the outside edge of the page that usually interrupts an article,
kinda like the lawyer kind of “sidebars” that interrupt a
jury trial. Both can be annoying but usually filled with
something important albeit not very interesting to but
a few people. We were kidding ourselves. These folks
are much too busy to have time to put this together.
So whenever we get it together, we put it together and
publish them when we can. Hopefully, if it’s something
earth shattering, someone will write an article about it.
Contact or just cc Joe Emmerth at Joewantstoknow@
dcbagrief.org.
A PR I L 2012
25
Fair Market Value Concepts and
Applications: Why You Need a
Business Valuation Expert
By Danielle Hoogerwerf
Y
ou might have asked yourself at some point why you would need or want
one. The “why” is not really as important as the “who.” A Business Valuation
Expert consults and advises people, companies and even public entities who
need to get things done involving math. A Valuation Expert understands that each
business, each organization, and each industry needs to approach math differently.
When hiring a Valuation Expert, it is important to remember to choose one who is
able to provide a full range of math services from math that’s “straight forward” to
the kind that’s more “creative,” just in case you aren’t sure which you will need. You
should know when choosing your expert that a good one will know and use words
like “financial,” “intangible,” “merger,” “solvency,” “fairness,” “collateral,” “cash flow,”
“ESOP,” “value,” “interim,” “permanent diminution,”
“asset impairment,” “KPI,” “tangible,” “purchase price
allocation,” “option valuation,” “assets” and “share
based payment valuation.” It’s not important to know
what all these words mean, Valuation Experts do, and
they work for you. Any reputable team of experts will be
focused on the execution of long-term math problems.
26
D c b a gri e f
Because, as they say: “complete no math before it’s
time.” The Expert Business Valuation process is very
complicated. If you are still unsure what it’s all about,
don’t worry. All you need to know is that there will be
math, lots of math, and you don’t like math, especially
the complicated kind. Remember the Algebra teacher
who accused you of cheating on the test because you
got a D, not an F? You got booted from that class. which is a strange but really lovely sounding instruShe didn’t even give you the courtesy to wait and see ment (can you imagine Peter and the Wolf without
if you failed the semester. You were removed. Your one? Or was that a Bassoon?). It’s really tough to make
body, wholly unqualified to be in the presence of such a living as a French Horn player, though maybe not
complicated math, was sent back from Algebra to “Ba- as hard as a Flugelhorn player. There are few positions
sic Math.” It really should have
for professional French Horn
been called “Detention Math” or
players, though there are very
Danielle Hooger“Land of Math Misfits.” There
few French Horn players genwerf has worked
was no teaching, no talking, just
erally. So depending on mare xclusively in
a class where kids were sent to
ket fluctuations, it could mean
the field of math
sit silently thinking about how
that it would be a really good
since 1979. She
much they hated math and have
gig to have because, you know,
spe cializ e s in
other math related thoughts. It
supply and demand right? The
Math problems
was “Purgatory Math.”
fewer French Horn players in
and computing
It’s important to remember
the market and the fewer the
numbers relating
to tangible and intangible assets. She also posthat Algebra escaped you but
positions available for French
sesses extensive experience showing her work.
your friends all got it and they
Horn players, the higher one
Hoogerwerf has been checking her own work as
weren’t much smarter than you.
would think the market price
well
as
providing
consulting
and
expert
witness
You took notes, wrote down
for a French Horn player
testimony opinion on the work of others since
everything she put on the board
would be. And even if we re1994.
Hoogerwerf
has
done
math
for
various
- but there was something missally loved the French Horn
public
and
private
clients
with
a
range
of
math
ing, some connection in your
and we didn’t really love math,
problems. After spending 20 years in school,
brain was misfiring. It felt like
you can see we’re really good
Ms.Hoogerwerf joined Ipswich LLC in 2002
you were missing some piece
at math because we were able
as a senior math advisor and consultant..
of math genetic sequencing
to figure all that out. Besides,
everyone else had. There was
we have to be really good at
something simple and pure about the formulas, the math to be making our living at it, right?
rules, the logic, you should have been great at it. You
Valuation Experts are highly qualified to assess
turned out to be a logical person right? You became a and evaluate your business or anyone else’s business
lawyer didn’t you? Lawyers are supposed to be logical for that matter. Whatever you need us for - it doesn’t
people. Logical people are supposed to be “left brain” matter. What matters is that we are the ones that have
thinkers. Math people use their left brains so it would to do the math, not you. And you’re allowed to copy
seem reasonable to think that knowing how to use off our work, too. We like it when you do and you
your left brain means you would know how to do won’t even get in trouble. We know you’re no good at
math - even if you didn’t like math. But you hate math, but you know now where to turn, right? That’s
math, so where’s the logic in that?
not to say that we think you copied off your friend
Valuation Experts are here to help with the math. that time. But if you were going to copy off someone,
We really like math, and even if we don’t, we’re really and we’re not saying you did, Beth Mayland would
good at it. My office has a staff of over 40 consultants have been a good person to copy off. She was good
and they all have initials after their names like ASA, at math. If she was good at math she might even be
ABV, AICPA, CVA, NACVA and CPA. Did you no- working with us. You’re a lawyer now for Pete’s sake
tice all those A’s? No coincidence. Most of them were and you’re allowed to turn to other people for help
probably mathletes in high school too. Even if they and it’s even ok to pay them, they are called “experts”
weren’t, they knew people who were. So it’s a really and they do all the math for you and you don’t even
good chance that we love math, but even if we didn’t have to understand it if you don’t want to. So now
love math it doesn’t mean we don’t know what we you can say “stick it” to your Algebra teacher, to both
are doing. Maybe we loved playing the French Horn, her and her complicated math. □ april 2 0 1 2
27
For the past 17 years, the DCBA Grief
has consistently asked the same
photographer, All Fours Photography, to
shoot their most important photographs
of chairs - all kinds of chairs.
That’s right. When the DCBA Grief wants a
memorable chair shot that will withstand
the test of time and show its furniture in
the best light, the editors turn to
All Fours Photography.
Have a seat, we’ll be
right with you!
All Fours Photography
www.allfoursphoto.com
Features
DCBA Update: Second Vice President Patrick
Hurley to Appoint Committee Chairs 32
by Leslie Monahan
Also:
Courthouse Profile: Everyone’s
Favorite Administrator, Zombie
John Lapinksi 30
by Ted A. Donner or Sean McCumber*
IRS Update: Internal Revenue
Commissioner Announces
New Collection
Program 32
by Terry Benshoof*
ISBA Update: Taking a
Moment to Reflect:
I Know How Much I
Mean to You 33
by Jim McCluskey*
Legal Aid Update:
DCBA Gathers to
Celebrate Law Day:
Many Plaques to be
Given to Attendees 34
by Brenda Carroll*
Judicial Centerfold: Chief Judge Jack
Elsner Delivers His First State of the
Courthouse Address 36
PHOTO ©2012 ALL FOURS PHOTOGR APHY
A PR I L 2012
29
Courthouse Profile:
Everyone’s Favorite Administrator,
“Zombie John” Lapinski
By Ted A. Donner or Sean McCumber*
I
n just the few short years since former Chief
Judge Stephen Culliton first appointed “Zombie
John” Lapinksi as his
courthouse administrator,
there have been a number
of significant changes at
the courthouse. A licensed
attorney and a member of
the living dead, Lapinski
brings a unique perspective
to the position which has
served him well these last
three years. Now, working
with new Chief Judge John
Elsner, he is quickly learning
that, while his title may still
be the same, his day-to-day
responsibilities have gotten
more substantial.
“With Judge Culliton,
there was a bit too much
formality,” Lapinski said. “I
need a certain amount of
order in my life, to be sure, and I was certainly fond
of Judge Culliton, don’t get me wrong. I never gnawed
on his shoulder or anything like that. Everything was
fine, even after the incident. Still, as much as I liked
working with Judge Culliton, it was more difficult to
stay focused in those days. I think maybe Judge Elsner
just has a better sense of how to work with folks like
me.”
The job of Courthouse Administrator has not
been easy, at least historically. In fact, the distractions
Lapinski has to contend with in his job were obvious
during the course of our interview. In the first ten
30
D c b a gri e f
minutes, before the recorder was even turned on, he
took calls from Judge Paul Fullerton (the monitors on
his computer were acting
funny), DCBA Executive
Director Leslie Monahan
(someone had once again
swiped Judge Demling’s
donut from the ARC),
and Judge Rod Equi
(who needed good seats
to a comedy for Saturday
night).
“This is the
kind of thing that used to
really get under my skin,”
Lapinski said, rubbing at
the scars on his neck in a
way that made this reporter
just a little uncomfortable.
“Now, all I have to do is
answer the call, sound
agreeable -- not grunt
too much -- and fill out a
requisition form and pass it on to Mary Jo. She does
something with them, I don’t know what. But that
doesn’t GRRRRNNNNHHH.... doesn’t RARRRGH
matter. What’s important is that the judges all know
there’s a process in place, and that if they don’t get what
they’re asking for in a few days then all they have to
do is stop in to talk to me. No one’s come by with a
ROOOWWWWRRRR complaint in months.”
Lapinski wasn’t always a zombie and it has been,
for him, something of a touchy subject -- something he
hasn’t wanted to talk about since that fateful day when
he first rose from the dead during a judge’s meeting
in October, 2010. “I figured I’d just
fallen asleep like I always do,” he
told us in an unusually spontaneous
outburst of vulnerability. “I had
no idea what had just happened.
I looked up and there was Judge
Hollis Webster. She and Judge
Ken Popejoy were standing there,
a few feet back, just staring at
me. Someone said something
about Judge Richard Russo, who
had just been appointed, I think.
Maybe he fainted. I heard someone
screaming, ‘what was he doing?’
and ‘how could he?’ and then I
blacked out. When I came to, it was
something like two weeks later and
I was in a... URRRRGHHH... well,
it was... GRRRRRR. ROWRRRR.
It was a very dark place.”
It is no secret that Judge
Culliton hesitated in returning
Lapinski to work once it was clear
he had joined the walking dead
and might be just as inclined to
eat Judge Culliton’s right hand
as serve in that capacity. Culliton
and Lapinski had developed a
strong, enduring friendship when
they were both human, however,
so it was not long before Lapinski
was back at his desk, fielding
questions, drawing diagrams,
and doing whatever else it is that
Courthouse Administrators do in
the Eighteenth Judicial Circuit.
“The job got to be much easier,”
Lapinski explained, “once people
realized I might literally chew their
head off if they did anything to
disturb the Chief Judge. I think
these AAAAGGGGRWUGH
developments, in that respect, have
proven to be a positive.”
What was more surprising for
Lapinski, however, was how much
Courthouse Administrator “Zombie Joe Lapinski” talks with one DCBA
member at a recent Bar Association event.
more things improved once Judge
Elsner was sworn in as Chief Judge.
“There was a palpable change in
how things were going to get done
around here,” Lapisnki said. “You
could sense it within minutes after
he walked into the room to take
the oath. He’s a much taller man
than people think he is and the
new chain mail was surprising,
but it seemed to command a lot
of respect. I remember Justice
Bob Thomas, who seemed a little
nervous, I thought, announcing
we had a new Chief Judge. Judge
Elsner was bowed down in front
of him, his robe draped over his
shoulder, holding that sword of
his up for Justice Thomas to use in
the coronation and the room was
just deadly silent.” Lapinski has a
deep-throated, unsettling laugh.
“Judge Elsner stood up when it was
all over,” he said. “I’ll remember
that day for the rest of my life. He
turned to the crowd, as Judge Ron
Sutter played this really loud piece
in the background, and he growled
under his breath. Then he swung
his broadsword over his head,
laughed, and walked to the door.
‘You need something from the
Chief Judge’s office,’ he bellowed on
the way out, ‘Talk to Zombie John.’
I knew right then we were going to
get along just fine.” □
A PR I L 2012
31
IRS Update
photo © R EP3.com
Internal Revenue
Commissioner Announces
New Collection Program
By Terry Benshoof*
W
ashington. The Internal
Revenue Service today
announced its new
Revenue Collection Program, to
be headed by newly-appointed
Deputy Commissioner Dominic
Corleone. Mr. Corleone has extensive
experience in collection of debt, with
service to government and for-profit
organizations.
The new program is designed
to speed up tax collection, especially
with respect to delinquent taxes.
“Current law allows taxpayers to delay
payments almost indefinitely, as the
result of too many built-in protections
which thwart the Service’s efforts,” said
Corleone. “In these times of growing
national debt, and increasing deficits,
it becomes important for the Federal
Government to quickly bring in
needed revenue, as it becomes due. To
make the new process more palatable
to Congress, especially those members
worried about spending issues, the
plan incorporates elements of reduced
Federal spending with enhanced
revenue receipts.”
Under the new program, prison
system inmates will be released and
provided jobs in the Collections
Department, with full salaries, benefits,
union membership, and results- based
commissions. Eligible inmates are
those with less than ten years remaining
on sentences for strong-arm robbery,
extortion, and similar convictions. The
prison system savings, coupled with the
enhanced tax collections, will provide
greatly needed added revenue to the
Federal “bottom-line.”
As presently envisioned, teams of
three would include a driver and two
Revenue Enhancement Agents. Each
team would call upon taxpayers who
have in excess of $1000 in tax liability
and more than 60 days delinquent
in payment. Each team will have
undergone extensive training in
what the service is calling “enhanced
counseling techniques” before entering
the field.
The goal of this outreach program is
to counsel tax payers on the importance
of revenue to continued government
programs while appealing to each
taxpayer’s sense of patriotic duty. It
is anticipated that the visits will take
less than 30 minutes of the taxpayer’s
busy schedule. This will allow the
teams to opportunity to visit numerous
taxpayers each day or evening. It is not
anticipated that more than one visit per
taxpayer will be required, but if so, an
additional Enhancement Agent will
accompany the team, to provide extra
instruction.
“Failure of this new program is not
an option,” said Corleone. □
photo © R EP3.com
DCBA Update
Second Vice President Patrick
Hurley to Appoint Committee
Chairs; That’s All I’ve Got
S
econd Vice President Patrick
B. Hurley is due to announce
his Committee Chair appointments any day now. These Chairs
will serve during Pat’s tenure as
32
DcbA GRIef
By Leslie Monahan*
Bar President in 2013-2014 and as
Vice-Chairs on their various committees during First Vice President
Sharon Mulyk’s term starting in
the fall of 2012. We here at the bar
center are all eagerly anticipating
Pat’s choices. Lesson learned: If you
want something to write about,
find out the chair names before
announcing their appointment. □
ISBA Update
photo © R EP3.com
Taking a Moment to Reflect:
I Know How
Much I Mean to You
By James F. McCluskey*
M
cCluskey here with
your monthly recap of
all things ISBA. But
first, I want to take a moment to
tell you that we here at the DCBA
Grief know just how valuable this
monthly feature is to all you DCBA
members. My sources tell me a
recent, yet to be released, private
DCBA member poll revealed that
DCBA members believe the ISBA
Update is their most valuable member benefit.
I am proud to be the DCBAISBA liaison and want the esteemed
DCBA membership to know that
I take on this monthly-ish feature
with the utmost dedication and
regard for the continued relationship between these two highly
respected sister organizations. After
all, we have so much in common.
For example, most DCBA members are also ISBA members, most
DCBA members receive the ISBA
magazine each month, most DCBA
members attend ISBA events from
time to time, most DCBA members
receive the ISBA newsletters and
most DCBA members receive email
announcements of ISBA events.
Since we share so many of the same
interests, it only seems natural that
keeping the DCBA members apprised of the important events in
the ISBA ranks high in the DCBA
member’s priorities.
I’d like to personally thank all
those who took the time to answer
the survey. Cocktails, my place,
Saturday.
Recently, the Board of Directors
of the Illinois State Bar Association
held a meeting at the Ritz Carlton
in Chicago. It was reported that a
complete renovation of the Chicago Regional Office of the ISBA,
otherwise known as the “CRO”,
has been completed. In true ISBA
fashion, the committee in charge of
the renovation project exemplified
the ISBA’s commitment to excellence. Second Vice President Paula
Holderman did a tremendous job
of renovating the tired, outdated
space.
President John Locallo, First
Vice President John Thies, Second
Vice President Paula Holderman
also contributed by tirelessly looking over the plans to ensure the
ISBA had facilities befitting the
quality of its membership. Finally,
I am told that our own DuPage
County son, Third Vice President
Richard D. Felice, was absolutely
indispensible as Chair of the upholstery committee. It seems this
is just another example of the deep
bond between the DCBA and ISBA
as I am told many of the DCBA
members have also have upholstery.
At the gala opening of the newly
renovated CRO, ISBA Executive
Director Bob Craighead and ISBA
CPA, Doug Barringer, announced
the ISBA Austerity Program, a
pledge to further the ISBA’s commitment to sound, fiscal values.
While technically the program
becomes effective immediately,
various vendor commitments prevent the program from beginning
in earnest until 2014 coinciding
with the term of current Third Vice
President, Richard Felice.
Unphased by the new budget
constraints, I understand Mr. Felice
has already put together his planning committee which announced
Felice will personally subsidize the
event budget. “While the ISBA preapproved venders, Russell’s Bar-BQue and Johnny’s Beef in Elmwood
Park are both fine establishments, I
plan to host my installation at Portillo’s” Felice said. Yet, more proof
of the kindred connection between
the DCBA and ISBA as I am told
many DCBA members also eat at
Portillos. □
This is usually the space in each article where
the bios go if the various “Update” authors
follow the word count guidelines we give
them. Maybe next time they’ll listen. Terry
Benshoof is a lawyer, Jim Mcclusky is a
lawyer and Leslie Monahan is the DCBA
Executive Director.
april 2 0 1 2
33
Legal Aid Update
DCBA Gathers to Celebrate
Law Day; Many Plaques to
Be Given to Attendees
By Brenda Carroll*
O
n May 3, 2012, the DCBA
will gather to celebrate Law
Day. This year a bunch of
the old guard, some of the new guard,
and whatever judges we can muster
up, fork over cold hard cash for
some fairly decent food and gather
together. Law Day is an annual
event when members gather to
celebrate, well, the law. Technically
Law Day is a day in which we all get
together for an event which sounds
pretty self explanatory. We seem to
be celebrating the rule of Law, or
Laws in general, or the fact that we
are lawyers, former lawyers, legal
professionals, have law related gigs
or work in professions even remotely
connected to the law.
The best authority on Law Day
is the Law Day Chair (hereinafter
“LD Chair”). Ask Art Rummler,
or anyone who’s ever held the
post, what the fuss is about and
with Pavlovian-esque accuracy they
respond “Law Day was established in
1958, by presidential proclamation
and reaffirmed by joint resolution
in Congress in 1961. Law Day is
annually celebrated on May 1 as
a ‘special day of celebration by the
American people in appreciation
of their liberties and to provide an
occasion for rededication of the
ideals of equity and justice under
the laws.’”
Each year the ABA band gets
together and sets the theme for
34
D c b a gri e f
the entire country. The theme, in
theory, is one each bar association
should take and build their festivities
around. What isn’t clear from the
Law Day promotional material
passed around for months prior
is what the theme means or what
exactly bar associations are supposed
to do with it. So this last year the
dedicated and ever diligent DCBA
blindly and boldly placed the theme
on all the event flyers, and figured it
all out later. Awards go to any Law
Day chair who can manage to get
the keynote speaker to make any
tangential reference to the theme.
All DCBA Board members, officers,
members and staffers are required to
make at least one reference. Kudos to
Jim Reichardt who spoke in 2011 on
behalf of the Legal Aid Foundation
and managed to artfully work the
“John Adams” theme into his
presentation “Speaking of Legal Aid,
you know who aided our country?
John Adams” Watch carefully and
you will see the annual Board of
Directors Law Day drinking game
in full swing.
Most of what happens on Law
Day is the giving of Legal Aid
awards. Why? No one is really sure
but it seems as good a time as any.
Took on a pro bono case? You get an
award! Helped plan something? You
get an award too! You showed up?
Award! Not that ticket sales are ever
a problem but our award program
sure doesn’t hurt. Each Law Day,
about 90% of attendees receive an
award. With averages like that, we
can sure pack the house, but don’t
worry about booking early. If you’re
receiving an award, you’ll receive a
call from a DCBA Staff member
sometime in April. Hint, when you
are asked : “You ARE coming to Law
Day, AREN’T you?”, the response
should be “why yes, I was just about
to call you.” If all else fails and you
forgot to buy a ticket, just blame it
on the DCBA website.
Since this column covers Legal
Aid, I would be remiss if I forgot
to mention the newest legal aid
program, the recently created open
bar subsidy program. This program
helps subsidize the cash bar bill of
many of our members, spreading
the expense over all the attendees
makes each event more affordable
and accessible to everyone. We
are “Legal Aid” after all. So it’s
particularly fitting that this year’s
theme “No Courts, No Justice, No
Freedom,” is about the importance
of access to the court system, a
pressing problem in light of the
budget cuts going on throughout
this country. This new program
is just a small way we can all give
back because access to the judicial
system and the judiciary should not
be limited to just those who can
afford it. □
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Typewriters For Sale
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Pre-Death Estate Sale
All inventory must go. Very, very,
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Presidential candidate and DCBA
Brief author and most esteemed
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Small firm closing doors for good
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Lost: one mean streak, somewhere
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A PR I L 2012
35
DCBA GRIEF April 2012 Judicial Centerfold: Chief Judge John “Jack” Elsner
Thank you, all of
you, for giving me this
opportunity to make my
first presentation, as
your new Chief Judge,
to the members of the
Bar Association. Ladies
and Gentlemen, I just
want to report that, in
my opinion, the State of
our Courthouse is strong.
I’ll spare you the details.
What you want to know
is how we’re doing and
2012 State of the Courthouse Address
Photo by Jeffrey Ross ©2011
-Jack
Nuff said,
what I’m here to tell
you is, the courthouse
is strong. It’s not just
“getting strong” like
some President from the
Democratic Party may
have recently said about
our great country. No,
our courthouse, ladies and
gentlemen, is over-thetop, heavy duty WMD,
guns and six-pack strong.