PAST_ISSUES_files/ION Arizona 158 August WEB

Transcription

August 2014 www.IONAZ.com 1
©2014 MILLER BREWING CO., MILWAUKEE, WI
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www.IONAZ.com August 2014
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white party
KARAMBA
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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012
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Introducing
the First LGBT Auto Show
When I was a teenager I didn’t
have posters of sexy women in my
bedroom. I had car posters and
automobile magazine ads all over my
walls. When I went to the International
Auto Show in Detroit every year in
the dead of winter, I was in love. Not
with the sexy women showing off all
the new cars but the sexy cars
behind them.
After staging over
15 Splash Bashes
through the years,
we were looking
to create a new
event. A huge,
community event
in the dead of
summer. A couple
months ago, my
partner said, “We
should create the first
LGBT auto show!” About a
second later, I said, “Absolutely!”
We were off to the races! We call it,
“Ignition Phoenix.”
Since then, we have chosen the only
place that could house such a big
event: The Arizona State Fair Veterans
Memorial Coliseum. We gathered a
great group of sponsors and partners
that will bring a variety of cars from
classic, unique, exotic, 4x4 and motor
scooters, too. We’ll also have a full
bar, food, DJ, raffles, awards, poker
tournament, a vapor lounge and more.
It all happens Saturday, August 30.
14
The best part is that 100% of the
admission donations and raffles goes
to the QU Scholarship Fund and the
new Phoenix Pride LGBT Center.
Check out IONAZ.com and Facebook
for updates throughout the month for
more information. We’re always looking for more
sponsors and cars to show
off at “Ignition Phoenix.
Call me at 692-7501164 or email me
at jacktesorero@
me.com today!
If you ever looked
for true (or even
temporary) love
online and were
tricked when what
you saw was not
what you got, you were
“catfished.” This happens to
straight and LGBT people alike.
This topic is a hit show on MTV called,
“Catfish: the TV Show.” Investigative
host and “catfishing” expert Nev
Schulman spoke to ION Arizona about
this fishy phenomenon and his new
book, In Real Life.
Enjoy this issue with all the hot rods—
and hot bods, too. We’ll see you at the
Coliseum at the end of the month!
Jack Tesorero
Publisher
t
s
u
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me $5 SHOWTINIS
i
T
w
o
Sh
THURSDAYS
10PM SHOWTIME
@TheBAR
DIZZIE RAMSEY
PRESENTS
URBAN
L
u
O
S
Featuring Ian Christiansen & Barbra Seville
PHX’s Best Drag & Theatre Cabaret
facebook.com/thebaroncentral
718 N Central Avenue | PHX, AZ | 85004
602.258.6122
TOP 40 MIXX
GOGOS, MUSIC
PA S T 2 A M
URBAN HIP HOP
@ G E T D I Z Z I E O N S AT
Open @ 3PM, Bar Games
Ping Pong l Water Pong lGiant Jenga
Cornhole l Left Right Center l Darts
UNTIL MIDNITE
$5 First Drink
U-Call-It
2 – 4 – 1 ALL DAY
16
$3 SMIRNOFFS
S AT U R DAY S
SUNDAYS
thebaroncentral.com
FRIDAYS
e
m
a
G D
ay
NEVER A COVER l EVERYONE WELCOME
TALL DRINKS ALWAYS
COMMANDO PARTY
THE BAR ON CENTRAL
SEE MORE PICS AT IONAZ.COM
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GRAND OPENING
ANVIL
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PHOENIX
22
HELL FREEZES OVER
CHARLIE’S
SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM
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Ignition Phoenix
The New icepics
icepics is red hot! New ownership, a remodel and
more fun than ever before! Happy Hour every day,
Sunday & Monday night football, and the sexiest gogo boyz in town, including ION coverman “Digs.” Don’t
miss Fanfuckintastic Fridays with Kiki Andrews dishing
out more fun than you can handle! 3108 E. McDowell Rd.
602-267-8707 icepicsvideobar.com (See ad. p. 15)
Break out the Armor All and the Turtle Wax! It’s the first
annual Ignition Phoenix LGBT Auto Show! The best in
classic, vintage and collectible cars from the Lambda Car
Club and others with entertainment, food, a DJ and more.
Pre-party Friday night at icepics, the event is on Saturday, August 30 at the Veterans Memorial Coliseum at the Arizona State
Fairgrounds, McDowell Rd. and 19th Ave. in Phoenix. 12 noon-7
p.m. After party Saturday night at Stacy’s in Phoenix. (Ads on p. 4-5)
Cosmic White-Out Bowling
Don’t pack up your summer whites just yet! It’s time for a glow in the
dark Cosmic White Out benefiting Mulligan’s Manor, a LGBTQA
non-profit community home for youths. Join in the fun on Saturday,
September 6 at 7 p.m. at Let It Roll Bowl, 8925 N. 12th St. Phoenix.
Register by August 15. Call Sue at 602-588-7836. Costumes!
Prizes! Raffles! Fun! (See ad p. 46)
IBT’s Café
Lookin’ for a casual bite to eat? Don’t miss out on the full menu (in
addition to the great drinks!) coming August 6 at IBT’s in Tucson!
There’s sure to be something to tempt your tastebuds. Check the
IBT’s Facebook page for updates. And don’t forget Janée Starr’s
“Saturday Night Starrletts” at 9 p.m. 616 N. 4th Ave. Tucson. 520-8823053 IBTsTucson.com
Dirty Daddy Bus Tour 2
Road trip! Join the sexy Wild Men of the West for their second
testosterone-packed bus tour down to the Old Pueblo. Cost is only
$100 for transportation from Phoenix to IBT’s, drinks and snacks
along the way, a meal in Tucson plus those feral Wild Men of the
West! Tix available at Anvil, Tan United, Off Chute Too or contact
Emilio at [email protected] or call 903-243WILD. Rawr! (See ad p. 9)
Carnaval Latino
Karamba
¡Ay, papi! It’s time for the Carnaval
Latino! If you like underwear—or
men without any underwear
at all—you’ll love this fiesta!
Andrew Christian underwear
model (and sometimes XXX star)
Topher DiMaggio (who just might have some
free man-panties to give away, we bet!)
After Hours ‘til 4 a.m. at Karamba
Nightclub, 1724 E. McDowell
Rd. Phoenix. 602-254-0231
KarambaNightclub.com
AUGUST 2014 ION EVENTS LISTINGS
DATE
Sun
Mon
Tues
Thurs
Fri
Fri
Sat
2
9
10
15
15-16
16
16
22
22
23
23
29-Sept 1
30
31
31
September
5-7
6
EVENT LOCATION
CITY
Sunday Funday
Lip Service Monday
Twerk Tuesdays
Junk Thursdays
Fanfuckintastic Fridays
Friday Night with Jordon
So Fly Saturdays
Jello Wrestling
Justin Timberlake Party
Pimpinela Party & Giveaway
La Sonora Karisma
Black Out Bash!
Roscoe’s Crush Bingo
Imperial Ct. Solid Gold Party
Larry Hernandez Party & Giveaway
Red Light Night Party
Gong Karaoke
Marc Anthony Party & Giveaway
Beach Party Weekend
Marc Anthony After Party
Labor Day Carnaval Latino Party
Labor Day Pool Party
Plazma
icepics icepics
icepics
icepics
Plazma
icepics
Charlie’s
Karamba
Karamba
Karamba’s Dick’s Cabaret
Roscoe’s
NuTowne
Karamba The Rock
Roscoe’s
Karamba’s
Charlie’s
Karamba’s Karamba’s
FLEX Spa
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
Phoenix
18th Anniversary NFL Weekend
Mulligan’s Manor Cosmic Bowling
Roscoe’s
Let It Roll Bowl
Phoenix
Phoenix p 44
Y
aniv Schulman fell in love with
“Megan,” a pretty, young girl he met online.
Something fishy was going on and he fell for
it hook, line and sinker. When he met her,
she was middle-aged, married and not who
she said she was. It was bait and switch. In
2010 he produced a documentary all about
the experience, calling it “Catfish.”
Why? A sage explained it to Nev like this:
They used to tank cod from Alaska all the
way to China, keeping them in vats. By the
time the cod reached China, the flesh was
mush and tasteless. Putting catfish in tanks
kept the cod agile. He added, “There are
those people who are catfish in life. They
keep you on your toes. They keep you
guessing, they keep you thinking, they keep
you fresh. And I thank God for the catfish
because we would be boring and dull if we
didn’t have somebody nipping at our fins.”
Plenty of
Catfish
in the
Sea
Nev Schulman from MTV’s
“Catfish: The TV Show”
by Deon Brown
34
talks about the ‘Reel World’ of
Internet Love
Now part of pop cultural history, even
the venerable Merriam-Webster recently
included an alternate definition of “catfish”
in their dictionary: “A person who sets up a
false personal profile on a social networking
site for fraudulent or deceptive purposes.”
Nev and his trusty partner on the show, Max
Joseph, help the internet’s lovelorn ferret
out the “catfish” from the real deal on MTV’s
“Catfish: The TV Show.”
“Remember, this happened to me,
too,” Nev writes. “Even though I seem
sophisticated, with my lastest-model
iPhone and my rollerboard suitcase and
my carefully tended chest hair ... I’m really
no different than you.”
ION Arizona chatted with Nev about the
“Catfish Phenomenon,” how he stays
focused, and introducing him to his inner
otter-ness.
ION: How long does it take to shoot one
episode of “Catfish”?
Nev: Every episode takes roughly six
days to shoot from start to finish, including
travel. The season takes considerably
longer. Stories sometimes come to us at
the last minute and often episodes we’re
getting ready to shoot fall apart.
ION: There’s a lot of LGBT catfish out
there. Do they differ from “straight”
catfish?
Nev: We certainly never set up a quota
or parameters for specific stories we did
or didn’t want to tell. The purpose of the
show is to simply address the growing
phenomena of people setting up social
media profiles to engage with each other in
In his new book, In Real Life: Love,
Lies and Identity in a Digital Age
from Grand Central Publishing,
Schulman explores relationships
in the digital age with lessons
he learned personally and
from the show about not
getting sucked into an
emotional attachment
through Facebook or
other social media with
a person who puts up
a phony picture and
is out to play with their
heartstrings.
Nev with co-host Max Joseph
ION: Are there hopefuls jockeying to be
on “Catfish”?
Nev: Definitely there are people who
are obviously or not so obviously trying
to get attention or get on the show.
We had an episode that aired after
which we discovered some of the
information we’d been told wasn’t
totally true or people may have had
a prior relationship or knowledge
before the show. So we’ve even
been catfished ourselves.
ION: Why do catfish consent to be
on TV?
primarily
romantic
ways but in
other ways as well. We
discovered that as our culture (particularly
in the United States) is becoming more
accepting of the many forms of sexuality,
young people are beginning to feel more
serious and certainly more liberated
in exploring those forms of sexuality.
Understandably a good place and arguably
a safe place to better understand their
sexual identity is the internet. Without
really intending to, we stumbled on a
bigger issue: some people pretending to be
someone they’re not are members of the
LGBT community. Not that I think it’s more
or less common in either gay or straight
communities. I was fascinated and eager to
address that. The more we can keep talking
about and accepting these issues as part of
the conversation, the better. I’m very happy
to have those stories.
36
Nev: This is a question I’m always
asking myself. It’s hard to understand
why someone who’s been lying would
agree to reveal himself in such a public
way. At the heart of most stories,
documentaries and reality TV shows,
the inherent desire for all human beings
is to tell their stories, to be heard, to get
acknowledgment that they exist. People
come on the show because they want to
reveal themselves. They want to be seen.
We provide, I believe, a genuinely safe
and supportive environment to do that.
At least they know they aren’t going to be
ridiculed and laughed at.
that they so desperately desire. By putting
themselves online and being vulnerable
as someone who’s looking for and needs
affection it becomes increasingly easy for
those who prey on that to take advantage
of you.
ION: Do you maintain contact with
former catfish?
Nev: I’m totally available to anybody who’s
been on the show. Some of them I’m close
with; some of them I’m not. It’s sort of up to
them. Some of them have places in my life
and I’m very happy about that.
ION: Are there episodes that are
emotionally difficult for you & Max?
Is it hard to maintain your sense of
objectivity?
Nev: It can be. There have been episodes
with catfish whose motives were
malevolent. Their intention
was to hurt and cause harm.
I understand that there are
people who act in that way. I
take it very personally when
someone uses me and
takes advantage of my
TV show to publicly
humiliate someone on
a large scale. I’ve definitely had my own
personal tiffs with some of the people on
the show—some of which you see, some
you don’t. It’s not just “a job” for me; it’s
my feelings, my emotions, my time. It’s
something I went through and honestly feel
very close to. Sometimes it’s really hard
for me. People in general are so used to
a culture of judgement, anger and ridicule
on TV that it comes as a welcome surprise
that we don’t default to those things. We
take our time to try to understand people,
let them explain themselves and, perhaps,
find some meaningful explanation for the
bad choices that they made.
ION: Tell us about your book.
Nev: I’ve been so moved and inspired
by the reactions to “Catfish.” The
conversations that I’ve had with people—
young and old—about the world and social
media are really profound
and complicated. It’s
very mysterious; I’ve
spent the last three
ION: What’s the biggest reason for
catfishing? Low self-esteem? Revenge?
Love?
Nev: There are recurring themes
throughout the show as well as the
thousands we don’t get to put on TV. At the
core it’s back to self-esteem. Social media
really has changed the way we conduct
our lives that more and more people
are looking for answers on the internet
rather than the hard work that it takes to
actually get the satisfaction in their lives
Max Joseph with Nev Schulman
EQUALITY ARIZONA’S
choices
and options. I often find
myself torn, confused and
unsure of myself not
knowing what I should
or shouldn’t be doing.
I think that’s just part
of life and one of the
important things that
makes life interesting,
but it would be kind
of amazing always
knowing exactly what I
was supposed to do.
ANNUAL
AWARDS
years
doing and
thinking and talking
about nothing else.
I think I’ve come up
with some important
and hopefully
meaningful ideas
to share. I thought
it would be a good
idea to let people know
about me. It’s a very
vulnerable, honest look
at my life, growing up, my
mistakes, friendships I had and
lost. How I went from being a pretty out of
control, rudderless, obnoxious young man
into a more acceptable—certainly functional
and likeable—human being. Hopefully it
can serve as some kind of self-help, advice
or guidebook for anybody who’s still trying
to better understand themselves how they
fit in the strange, unusual world we all find
ourselves living in.
ION: In the end, what would you like to
be remembered for?
Nev: (Pauses) I think there are at least two
different answers, one of which is more
personal: being a good person, father and
friend. In terms of a sort of macro, 30,000
foot perspective, I’d like to be remembered
as a leader and role model. Someone who
stood for something meaningful, positive
and really committed. Helping other people
learn from my mistakes and leading some
kind of movement for emotional growth
amongst my peers and community.
ION: If you were a superhero, what would
your superpower be?
Nev: (Long pause) I would like to have the
power of knowing exactly what I should
do. It may sound silly, but there’s a lot of
38
ION: Finally, do you even
like catfish?
Nev: Ah! I do! We often find ourselves
in the South and served blackened catfish;
it’s pretty delicious. It’s not something I
seek out, but I do like a good catfish.
ION: By the way, in the gay world you’re
totally an “otter.” Do you know what
that is?
Nev: No, I don’t think so. I know what a
“bear” is.
ION: Hairy like a bear, just slimmer.
We’d love a lock of your chest hair!
rd
23
ANNUAL
AWARDS
DINNER
BE INVENTIVE. BE BOLD. BE YOU.
CELEBRATE YOUR STYLE AT A NIGHT OF
FASHION, EXPRESSION + ACTION
Nev: (Laughs) Well, I’ve got plenty to go
around!
In Real Life: Love,
Lies and Identity
in a Digital Age
is available
September 2,
2014 published
by Grand Central
Publishing.
Formats:
paperback,
audiobook and
e-book.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 13TH
SHERATON PHX DOWNTOWN
TICKETS AT facebook.com/EqualityAZ
Roxxxy Andrews
& Tyra Sanchez
Now sissy that walk! RuPaul’s Drag Race
buxom season 5 finalist Roxxy Andrews
brings her hourglass figure to the runway
along with season 2 winner, “the other
Tyra”—Tyra Sanchez, that is. It’s all part
of Carnaval Latino Labor Day Weekend
Party on Sunday, August 31 at Karamba
Nightclub, 1724 E. McDowell Rd.
602-254-0231 KarambaNightclub.com
AUGUST 2014 ION DRAG LISTINGS
DATE TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)
Mon 9/1
1:30pm
Mondays
10:00pm Charlie’s
Charlie’s
Mondays
10:00pm Apollo’s
Naughty or Nice Bingo
Tuesday
10:00pm Karamba
Savannah Moussier’s Show
Wednesdays 9:30pm
icepics
Ice Queens Weekly Drag Competition
Wednesdays 9:00pm
IBT’s
Viva La DIVA
Wednesdays 9:00pm
Kobalt
Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba
40
Pussy LeHoots Labor Day Show
Barbra Seville w/ Strippers!
Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens
Girls of Karamba - Adriana Galiano, Karime Lizaldi, & Celeste
Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s
Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos
Thursdays
Showtime at the Bar with Ian and Barbra
9:30pm
The Bar
Thursdays
10:30pm Crescent Ballroom Olivia Gardens hosts Truth, Drag or Dare
Thursdays
10:30pm Karamba
Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds
Fridays
10:30
Special Event Rotating Drag Shows
The Rock
Fridays
7:00pm
OZ
Ruby Reynolds with the Boys of OZ
Fridays
9:00pm
IBT’s
Absolutely Flawless with China Collins
Fridays
10:00pm Cruisin’ 7th
The Barbra Seville Show
Fridays
9:00pm
Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers
BS West
1st Saturday 9:30pm
Kobalt
Taylor Made with TC Taylor & Special Guests
Saturdays
8:00pm
OZ
Saturday Night Showgirlz with Ruby
Saturdays
9:00pm
IBT’s
Saturdays 10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th
Starrletts with Janee Star
The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams
Saturdays
10:00pm The Rock
The Barbra Seville Show
Saturdays
9:30pm
Pussy’s Patio Show
Charlie’s
Saturdays
9:30pm
Zorf’s
BeDazzled
Sundays
8:30pm
Charlie’s
Pussy LeHoot & Friends
Sundays
10:30pm Karamba
Ruby’s Sunday Follies
That’s Life:
Sinatra to Sondheim
If you like standards from The Great American
Songbook and classics from film and the Broadway stage,
you’ll love an evening of this memorable music. Local
theatre’s best and brightest—like Kristen Drathman, Rusty
Ferracane and Craig Bohmler—lend their pipes to these
masterful tunes. Hipster approved. Staged by Actors Theatre
Phoenix at the Black Theatre Troupe building 1333 E. Washington
St. Phoenix. For tix call 602-888-0368 or go to ActorsTheatrePhx.org
The Book Club Play
A group of friends welcome a new member into their book club only
to see him tear at the fabric of their longstanding relationships. A sly
examination of social groups, ritual, and true friendship. BENEFIT: It
stars the fabulous Joe Kremer! How cool is that? A theatre “must!”
Staged by Actors Theatre Phoenix at the Black Theatre Troupe
building 1333 E. Washington St. Phoenix. For tix call 602-888-0368
or go to ActorsTheatrePhx.org
Peter Pan
Way before Michael Jackson built
“Neverland,” it was a place for
rebellious kids, clock-eating
crocodiles, the somewhat fey,
wicked Captain Hook, Tinkerbell and
the boy who would never grow up: Peter Pan. See
the magic come alive on stage now through August 17
at Arizona Broadway Theatre, 7701 W. Paradise Ln.
Peoria. Tickets: 623-776-8400 or go to AZBroadway.org
AUGUST 2014 ION THEATER + STANDUP
DATE EVENTLOCATION
thru 3
Jersey Boys
ASU Gammage - Tempe
thru 10 Biloxi Blues
Desert Stages Theatre - Scotts.
thru 10 The Cottage
Actors Theatre - Phx
thru 10 Sinatra to Sondheim
thru 17 The Book Club Play
thru 17 Peter Pan
AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria
SEPTEMBER
5-28
The Angry Housewives
AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria
5-21
Godspell
Mesa Encore Theatre
5-10/26 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest Desert Stages Theatre - Scotts
6-14
Jagged Little Pill - N2T
Hardes Theatre at PHX Theatre
42
PHONE
480-965-3434
480-483-1664
602-888-0368
602-888-0368
602-888-0368
623-776-8400
623-776-8400
480-644-6500
480-483-1664
602-254-2151
Justin Timberlake
JT brings sexy back again! That’s not a bad thing, so put
on your suit ‘n’ tie and prepare to get down for a 20/20
Experience. Be sure to tell all your MySpace friends about
it. If they’re still on MySpace, that is. Catch him on Saturday,
August 9 at Jobing.com Arena, 9400 W. Maryland Ave. in
Glendale. Tickets available through TicketMaster.com or call
800-745-3000
John Legend
Smooth, sexy, R&B singer John Legend is, well, a legend. He
brings his “All of Me” Tour to Phoenix on Sunday, August 17 so
bring all your curves and all your edges, and your perfect
imperfections down to the Comerica Theatre,
400 W. Washington St. For tickets visit
TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000
Jason Mraz
Everybody’s favorite 420 hipster croons, “YES!” to
Phoenix with his acoustic tour of the same name. Mr. A-Z will probably
wear a hat and have an audience sing-a-long to his classic monster hit,
“I’m Yours,” too. The good vibes all happen on Saturday, August 31 at the
Comerica Theatre, 400 W. Washington St. in Phoenix. For tickets visit
TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000
AUGUST 2014 ION Concert Calendar
DATE
3
3
6
7
8
9
9
12
13
15
15
17
17
19
23
26
27
30
31
31
44
ARTIST LOCATION
PHONE
Goo Goo Dolls/Plain White T’s
Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 800-745-3000
Los Lonely Boys
Rialto Theatre - Tucson
520-740-1000
Counting Crows/Toad Wet Sprocket Casino del Sol - Tucson
800-344-9435
Counting Crows/Toad Wet Sprocket Comerica Theatre - Phx
800-745-3000
Fall Out Boy & Paramour
Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix
800-745-3000
Justin Timberlake
Jobing.com Arena - Glendale 800-745-3000
Prince Royce
Casino del Sol - Tucson
800-344-9435
Paul McCartney
US Airways Center - Phoenix 800-745-3000
American Idol Live
Sheryl Crow, Rascal Flatts
Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix
800-745-3000
Peter Frampton
Wild Horse Pass Casino - Chandler 800--WIN-GILA x 7370
John Legend
ZZ Top & Jeff Beck
Casino del Sol - Tucson
800-344-9435
Randy Newman
Fox Theatre - Tucson
520-547-3040
Tony Bennett
Mesa Arts Center
480-644-6500
Wynonna Judd
Scottsdale Center for the Arts 480-499-8587
Dwight Yoakam
Fox Theatre - Tucson
520-547-3040
Marc Anthony
Jason Mraz
Ed Sheeran
by Peter Lora
[email protected]
Aural
Fixation
88% of LGBTQ Phoenicians agree...
It’s ok for adults to drink responsibly
as long as they don’t drive afterwards.
Have a safe & sober ride!
Learn more at:
www.facebook.com/safeout
www.twitter.com/lgbtqconsortium
This program is funded through Mercy Maricopa Intergrated Care.
Morrissey
World Peace is
None of Your
Business
Fans of Morrissey
and The Smiths
have a tendency
to see the heroic 80s romantic poet as he
once was and not for who he actually is
now. In a way, this is what Morrissey may
believe and narcissistically think of himself.
We’ve seen him release a successful
autobiography that finally addressed his
ambiguous sexual orientation, cancel
an entire U.S. leg of his tour and speak
unfavorably of the “Iron Lady,” the late U.K.
Prime Minister, Lady Margaret Thatcher.
Fans wondered if there would be new
music after a decade of sonic silence.
Morrissey managed to release an album
that doesn’t necessarily live up to the
glory of yesteryear but reminds us of his
fearlessness, distinct vocal style and ability.
In true Moz fashion the album is filled with
social commentary. “I’m Not a Man” shows
disdain for the masculine archetype with
comic quips like, “Beefaroni, but lonely’”
and at the same time saying, “Never eat
an animal.” It’s musically strong, melding
Spanish influences and classic Moz in
songs like “Neal Cassady Drops Dead,”
“Earth is the Loneliest Planet” and “Kiss
Me A Lot.” Available Now
La Roux
Trouble in
Paradise
After a five-year
wait, synth-pop
androgyne La Roux
is back after it felt
we’d never hear
from the Brit-pop ingénue again. After a
bout with paralyzing performance anxiety
and a split with Ben Langmaid, her original
46
collaborator believed to be the mastermind
behind the success of her debut, a longawaited and aptly named sophomore release
is here. This could have just as easily been
released in 1984 with its early electronic
music sound. Lead single and call to nightlife,
“Uptight Downtown” bridges what we know
of La Roux from her previous album but at
the same time borrows the guitar riffs and
electronic effects we’ve heard in a different
time from long forgotten artists—namely
Bananarama.
“Cruel Sexuality,” “Paradise is You” and
“Tropical Chancer” play into the albums
80s sensibility—cool synth sounds against
warm mentions of beaches, palm trees and
humid, ill-fated love affairs. “Sexotheque”
is relatable, opening with “He must know
what it feels like to mess around.”
Autobiographical Silent Partner
not only sounds like Eurythmics
but mirrors the tale of both of
these musical duos. Let Me
Down Gently stands out as
the album’s opus with its
elegant synth mid-tempo
ballad opening and
transformation into a solo
dance anthem. Available
Now.
Jessie Ware
THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD
ARTISTSONG
La Roux
Let Me Down Gently
Morrissey Earth is the Loneliest Planet
Jessie Ware Tough Love
Grimes Go feat. Blood Diamonds
AlunaGeorge Kaleidoscope Love (Kaytranada Edition)
Clean Bandit Rather Be
Jungle Busy Earnin’
Usher Good Kisser
(Disclosure Remix)
Tove Lo Stay High (Habits Remix)
Ariana Grande – Break Free
June 2014 www.IONAZ.com 47
[email protected]
Teen Wolf:
Season 3,
part 2
Take a bit of “Beverly
Hills 90210,” a
splash of “Dawson’s
Creek,” a dab of
“The Incredible
Hulk,” a dash of
“Twilight” with a big dose
of homoerotica and you’ve got the
epic MTV series “Teen Wolf.”
Despite complex details and characters,
the basic plot is simple: outcast high
school student Scott McCall (the
handsome Tyler Posey with an
weirdly lopsided face) is a werewolf.
He feels guilty about it. You know
these anxiety-riddled teenagers! His
bestie, Stiles (Dylan O’Brien), and
Scott’s girlfriend, Allison (Crystal
Reed), help him embrace his
inner beast, coping with all the
wild hair, pointy teeth, flashing red
eyes and so forth.
If you haven’t watched the
show, you won’t understand
most of it now. As with
most soap operas, it doesn’t
take long to catch on to the
supernatural drama with the
requisite teenage angst and
big bad werewolf melodrama punctuated
with very serious music indicating when
something very serious is happening.
That happens a lot. This season there’s a
hybrid of werecoyotes.
Highlight includes seeing fellow werewolf
and sex bomb Derek Hale (Tyler
48
Teens &
Tempers
Hoechlin, 2007 ASU Sun
Devil Baseball infielder)
stripped to the waist and
cuffed to a chain link fence
and hot, shirtless werewolf
identical twin brothers. “No
homo, bro” and very “homo,
bro,” verbal sparring occurs. Often.
These clips are commonly found
on YouTube as well as poorly
photoshopped pornographic
images with the stars’ heads on
mismatched bodies all over the
web.
High production values and a
clever, swiftly moving story sucks you in,
making “Teen Wolf” a guilty “no homo,
bro” pleasure. ★★★☆☆
Available now on DVD
The Angriest
Man in
Brooklyn
Starring: Robin Williams,
Mila Kunis
Henry Altmann (Williams,
Dead Poets Society) is
damn mad. At pretty much the
whole world. His doctor, Sharon
Gill (Kunis, Friends with Benefits),
is stressed. Henry’s insults don’t
help. When she abruptly reveals that
he has a brain aneurysm and only
90 minutes to live (coincidentally
the length of the movie) Henry has a
Scrooge-like epiphany and attempts to
make amends with—yep—pretty much
the whole world. “In the end, there’s
only family.” Predictable, yes. But this
screwball dramedy is a delight with a
lesson. Look for James Earl Jones in a
brilliant cameo. ★★★☆☆
Available now on Blu-ray, DVD
[email protected]
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Teenage
Mutant
Ninja
Turtles
Starring: Megan
Fox, Will Arnett,
Johnny Knoxville
(voice over),
Whoopi Goldberg,
Tony Shaloub
Cowabunga, dude!
Let’s see if there’s
still magic from your
1980s Saturday morning
cartoon crime-fighting
anthropomorphic
amphibians
Leonardo,
Donatello,
Michelangelo and
Raphael in this
live action reboot.
The four turtles
emerge from the
rank sewers of the
Big Apple armed with
nunchucks and martial arts
skills, thanks to their sensei
rat Splinter, to combat the
villain Shredder and the Foot
Clan who are taking over NYC.
The turtles team up with reporter
April O’Neil (Fox, Transformers)
and her wisecracking cameraman
Vernon Fenwick (Arnett, Arrested
Development) to save New York.
In the pipeline since 2009 and
produced by the controversial
Michael Bay. A couple of rewrites
after purchasing rights, this could
be a big hit ... or not. Opens:
August 8
Turtles, Tears & Takei
The Giver
Starring: Jeff Bridges, Meryl
Streep, Brenton Thwaites,
Alexander Skarsgard,
Taylor Swift, Katie Holmes
Based on the 1993 science
fiction novel by Lois Lowry
about a perfect world where
there is no war, racism or
pain. Every member of
society has a specific role
and 16-year-old Jonas
(Thwaites) is selected
to be the Receiver of
Memories from an elderly
man (Bridges, True
Grit, Tron). The true pain
and pleasure of the “real”
world are revealed. As Jonas
uncovers the truth behind his world’s
past, he discovers that his forefathers
gave up humanity to oder to have a stable
society. Another reason to see this is
simply because of the magnificent Meryl
Streep (Sophie’s Choice) and Katie
Homes (Dawson’s Creek) who
knows about cult behavior.
T-Swizzle (Swift) makes her
film debut. Opens: August
22
To Be Takei
Starring: George Takei, Brad
Takei, Walter Koenig
Keep this on your radar! “Star
Trek”’s Mr. Sulu discusses his
life and career as well as his
huge popularity with the public
post-coming out in the awardwinning documentary. Opens:
August 22
by Albert Rivas
[email protected]
L
et’s focus on the
supernatural. The
Lifetime network’s
Witches of East
End revolves
around the
Beauchamp family.
Matriarch Joanna’s
(Julia Ormond)
two daughters:
Freya (Jenna DewanTatum) and Ingrid
(Rachel Boston), are both
unaware of their powers and
legacy. Joanna’s younger sister,
Wendy, (Mädchen Amick) is
a shapeshifter.
The series picks up much
like AHS: Coven and
Charmed. The sad part
about this is that not
even the eye candy like
Daniel DiTommaso and
Christian Cooke can save
it. I’ve been a huge fan of
book-to-TV adaptations, leaving
room to expand and a great way to
shock viewers by changing characters’
fates. The series focuses too much on the
novel. It is literally a book-to-television. Yes,
they use soap opera tactics and cheesy
visuals, but it appears that not even the cast
wants to be there. I’d settle for a Shannen
Doherty scandal to at least spark some
interest. (In case you don’t remember,
Dougherty was fired from, both, “Beverly
Hills 90210” and “Charmed.” Homegirl can’t
keep a job. Now she’s forced to do those
“get your degree from home” commercials.)
Coven showed how to perform magic
without making it campy; here it looks like
they hired a high school visual arts team.
The show is so bad that it actually makes
52
Witches &
Werewolves
some scenes good. Without
disgracing the acting, these
women have a chemistry
that’s unmatched in most
new shows. Still, the magic
is very “been there/done
that.” Haven’t we reached
the end of the supernatural
craze?
Apparently not. “Hemlock
Grove,” another Netflix original
series premiered in July. Famke
Janssen (“Jean Grey” in the
film adaptations of the
X-Men series) plays
Olivia Godfrey who is a
Upyr, a vampire-like
creature. With her
mannerisms and the
voice, you know right
away something is
not right with this
Mommie Dearest.
Bill Skarsgård is
her son, “Roman,” half
Upyr and half human. If
the last name rings a bell,
he’s is the younger brother of actor
Alexander Skarsgård (“True Blood”).
Peter Rumanek (Landon Liboiron) is a
werewolf. His chemistry with Roman plays
off well playing murder investigators. The
best part of this series is the werewolf
transformation. It’s something you’ve never
seen before. At first it was cringeworthy to
watch but ultimately it’s very believable. I
mean, if there really were werewolves in
real life, of course. Filled with suspense
and not your typical high school teen
drama, this show still has time to grow. So kudos on Netflix for producing an array
of different shows to their lineup. Keep ‘em
coming!
Check out
these great realtors, mortgage
brokers, insurance agents, apartments,
condos and houses. With ION Home, we
make it easy to find, finance and insure
your new home.
54
A Collection of Local Independent Favorites
summer of
Bliss
2014
Chillin. Eatin. Drinkin.
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@ blissrebar.com
602.795.1792
blissrebar
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$4 premium well, imports, drafts, select wine
$5 smirnoff martinis • $5 select appetizers
Tuesdays & Thursdays
@blissrebar
foursquare.com/blissrebar
901 north 4th street
$20 any bottle of wine + cheese board
Wednesdays - 20% Off All Day
*excludes already discounted items
Switching Up Happy Hour.
New deeper happy
hour EVERY day.
Over 25 drinks just $4
(4-6:30pm)
Fresh Food, Classic Drinks,
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602.264.2295
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Lunch • Dinner • Weekend Brunch
1326 N. Central Ave
pizzapeopleaz.com • 602.795.7954
56
Barrio Queen
O
nce upon a time, in the glitzy kingdom
of Scottsdale there lived a queen.
She decreed that her famous burritos,
enchiladas, tacos, tortas as well as other
exotic Mexican comidas (not to mention
her amazing selection of tequila potions)
would be the greatest in all the land. She is
the fabled “Barrio Queen.” All Chef Silvana
Salcido Esparza needs to do is wave her
wisk, say, “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo” over a
skillet and you’ve got something magical
on your plate. Magic and a
lot of hard work and heart
goes into everything she
creates.
It all started at the
modest Barrio Café
on 16th Street near
Thomas Road. Since
then Chef Silvana’s
empire has grown to
include a location at Sky
Harbor Airport and now
Scottsdale. A Gilbert location is
coming soon.
Májia Mexicana
prepared tableside with the freshest of
everything, including a seasonal surprise.
Ours was cranberries. The autumn brings
pomegranates to the mix. $10.75. Thick,
crunchy tortilla chips are made in house, too.
Barrio Queen’s Huitlacoche y Champiñon
Quesadilla ($8) offers a hand-pressed corn
tortilla filled with melted Oaxaca cheese,
sautéed huitlacoche—a real delicacy also
referred to as “Mexican Truffles” and comes
from naturally occurring corn ‘smet’ (a
somewhat rare, gourmet, edible
fungus) that forms on the ears. Add
mushrooms, shallots and garlic
with two snappy salsas for a treat
you can’t get in Never-Never
Land.
Craving tacos? The Queen’s
royal pantry has the best. Go for
the Nopalitos—the tender pads of a
prickly pear cactus along with serrano
pepper, onion and
a tomato
sautée
So click your heels together
three times and be whisked
away to the merry old
land of the Barrio
Queen and rediscover
why she’s a fourtime nominee for
the coveted James
Beard award and a
local treasure.
Chef Silvana
comes from a
culture of food
and creativity,
of course. Start
with her fab
Barrio Guacamole,
ride her broom home.) Expect
nearly 20 tacos to choose from.
They’re made to order with
hand-pressed corn tortillas;
three for $10 or $3.50 each.
that’s nothing short of enchanting. Or go
for the Carne Asada, Chorizo Azul—thinly
sliced beef marinated in fresh orange and
garlic, grilled and topped with chorizo and
a zippy bleu cheese. Gossip Item: lifestyle
witch Martha Stewart chowed down on
these (and quaffed the magic margaritas.
A lot of them, I hear. So many she couldn’t
Expect even more magic with
the Barrio Queen’s entrées. The
Yucatán-inspired Conchinita Pibil is fallapart tender marinated pork in sour orange
and achiote paste, wrapped in a banana
leaf and slow cooked overnight. Top it
off with pickled sour orange onions and
pico de gallo, serve it up with magnificent
chipotle mashed potatoes and calabacitas
(squash). Presto! Only $19. Plenty to
share!
Abracadabra! The Chiles en Nogada is a
twist on the traditional relleno with chicken
breast, dried apricots, pecans, raisins,
onion, garlic and red wine in a roasted
poblano pepper served in an almond cream
sauce with pomegranate, queso fresco
and cilantro garnish. Delicate and robust,
it’s sure to delight without any trickery: just
honest cuisine. $24. Don’t miss out on her
enchiladas, tortas or burritos, either.
Barrio Queen’s chalice from the palace has
the brew that is true. She has 420 different
tequilas—try a flight of them and stamp
the Barrio Queen’s “Tequila Passport” with
every one you try. Lead Bartender Colton
Brock is the resident cocktail wizard
you need to meet.
A wide variety of magnificent
Margaritas will make you say, “¡Olé!”
especially on Margarita Mondays when
they’re half-off. If you’re driving, make
sure you go for her Aguas Frescas. The
Tamarindo, Jamaica and Horchata are all
prepared in house from scratch.
If you’re lucky the masterful (and
handsome!) Fernando
will be your server
extraordinaire. It’s
worth it when you see
him work his magic
tableside. Alakazam!
There’s no place
like home,
but the
Barrio
Queen
ain’t
at your
house,
Dorothy.
Live happily
ever after at
Barrio Queen.
‘
DO WE LOVE YOU?
Cross our heart
hashtag real talk
Hula’s
BARRIO QUEEN
7114 E. Stetson Dr. - Scottsdale
Ph: 480-656-4197
Summer Hours ‘til Oct. 30:
Mon-Thurs & Sun: 11 a.m.-9 p.m.
Fri-Sat: 11 a.m.-10 p.m.
Brunch Daily + specials
BarrioQueen.com
modern tiki
HULASMODERNTIKI.COM
phoenix • scottsdale
60
ICEPICS
62
FAN FUCKINTASTIC FRIDAYS
64
Photography by Scotty Kirby • Direction by Kevin Bushaw • Models are Jeremy Troughton, Geoffrey Gargotta, and
Dick Johnson. Special thanks to Roger Irling, Alan “Robogay” Cooley, Adam Aarons, Scott Taylor & Joel Hamilton.
Special Thanks to the Wild Men of the West. Be sure to visit The Coliseum on August 30th for Ignition Phoenix!
66
IGNITION PHOENIX
Break out the Armor All and the Turtle
Wax! It’s time for the first annual Ignition
Phoenix LGBT Auto Show! See the best
in classic, vintage, collectible cars from
the local chapter of the Lambda Car Club,
Cactus 4 Wheelers, Hell’s Fairies with
entertainment, food, DJ, a poker tournament, a vapor lounge and more. Saturday,
August 30 at the Arizona State Fair Veterans Memorial Coliseum at the Arizona
State Fairgrounds, McDowell Road and
19th Avenue in Phoenix. 12 noon-7 p.m.
68
THE LAMBDA CAR CLUB
If you have a passion for automobiles and
everything about them, Lambda Car Club
is for you! Classic, vintage and unique,
collectible automobiles or vehicles are the
primary focus here, but you don’t need
one to join this club of car lovers. Find out
more about the Arizona chapter of the
Lambda Car Club, visit AZgayCar.com and
see what they’ve got to offer.
70
HELLS FAIRIES
Founded in Chicago, Illinois in
2006, this club of primarily
LGBTQ motor scooter enthusiasts
has chapters across the United
States of America, including
Phoenix, Arizona! Check out
HellsFairies.com for info about
joining the Phoenix chapter for
some two-wheel motorized fun!
72
CACTUS 4-WHEELERS
A group of four wheel drive off-road enthusiasts from all walks of life with 4x4’s
who get together in the great outdoors
and take their four-wheel drive vehicles
off the paved roads. These friendly, fun
people enjoy getting together, packing
up and getting out of the urban chaos,
whether for just the day, or a weekend
getaway. “Like” them on Facebook.
74
76
78
80
Fabulous on 4th ave
SHERATON HOTEL DOWNTOWN PHOENIX
Benefiting the programs and services of the
Southern Arizona AIDS Foundation
www.aidswalktucson.com
82
SundAy
OctOber 12
2014
Vol. 8, Issue 4
July 2014
OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!
Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.
ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL
AZ Ends Death
Penalty. Guilty Must
OUTRAGEOUS!
Watch Another
Season of ‘Glee.’
PHOENIX — After
the botched execution
of Arizona’s
convicted death
row inmate Joseph
Wood, III last month,
state prison officials
and government
executives addressed
alternate forms of
capital punishment
due to public outcry.
societal outcasts
who find redemption
in harmonic choral
singing productions
much to an evil
athletic director’s
disgruntlement.
Detractors say that
marathon viewings
of ‘Glee’ is an even
more cruel and
unusual punishment.
OUTRAGEOUS!
“Capital punishment
“What kind of
is a controversial
are we?”
subject,”
said one
ANY
RESEMBLANCE
TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLYmonsters
ACCIDENTAL
argued one critic of
anonymous source
the penance. “Do we want to be remembered
in the penal system. “Hanging, the electric
in the history books as a civilization that
chair, gas chambers and now even lethal
forced another horrifying 22 episodes of this
injection are considered inhumane and
agonizingly painful TV show on another
torture. There was only one other fair
human being? Have some pity!”
alternative. ‘Glee.’”
Death row inmates will be forced to watch
yet another season of the FOX network’s
painful, excruciatingly awful TV show
about rapidly aging yet musically inclined
Arizona Department of Corrections said
execution by ‘Glee’ was quicker and less
painful than ‘Sean Saves the World.’
OUTRAGEOUS!
84
ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY
ACCIDENTAL
May 2012 www.IONAZ.com
85
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OUTRAGEOUS!
Putin Worries
About Image,
OUTRAGEOUS!
Place in History.
Murders
Press
OUTRAGEOUS!
members of
MOSCOW —
the press and
Russian president
researchers who
Vladimir Putin
disagree with
ANY
RESEMBLANCE
TO
THE
TRUTH
IS
TRAGICALLY
ACCIDENTAL
is concerned
his current and
about how he is
future policies.”
portrayed to the
world and how
Putin weighed
his legacy will
in on his
be perceived
reputation.
by historians in
“Don’t get me
the future. Will
wrong. I love
he be painted
the press. I am
as an energetic,
a family man,
hardworking,
too” said Putin.
dutiful world
“Don’t forget,
ANY
RESEMBLANCE
TO
THE
TRUTH
IS
TRAGICALLY
ACCIDENTAL
leader? Or will he
my campaign
be put on display
slogan was,
as
a
tyrannical
despot
and
power
hungry
‘Vote
for
Putin
or
He
Will
Shoot
Your
megalomaniac?
Family. And Your Dog.’”
OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!
Boris Vodkanovitch, a pro-Putin member
of the State Duma reports, “President Putin
wishes to confirm his status in a historical
context for future generations to understand
and appreciate. To ensure that this is done
satisfactorily, President Putin will execute all
A friendly press conference with one-way
tickets and paid expenses is scheduled
this winter in upper Siberia. Attendees are
recommended to pack light.
OUTRAGEOUS!
86
88
T
he other night
I was at an industry party and the
joint was filled to capacity with some of
Manhattan’s finest male models. These
motha fuckahs were plentiful, unlike the
booze at the open bar they said they
were having. As the night progressed
and after a few of the boys had more
than the rationed alcohol, they migrated
to the lower lounge and were looking for
some pity. These queens were cackling
about their quests for true love. Well, you,
me and the bartender were giving some
serious side-eye, knowing damn well
these boys aren’t looking for true romance.
Hell, these bitches are looking for either
a sugar daddy, a fuckbuddy/agent ... or
someone just as pretty as they are to
be their other half in a wannabe power
couple.
In honor of these messes, I reached into
my inbox and found some other attractive
fools with similar problems. This month’s
Favorite Bitch is all about pretty hurts.
Whether you’re on the giving or receiving
end of it!
Dear Miss Tiger,
I’m a struggling model. I love living
in the expensive part of town, but my
wallet doesn’t share the same affection.
Should I leave or stay and live on ramen
noodles? What do you see happening?
— Javier
Dear I See A Job Opportunity At Olive
Garden In Your Future,
Hmmm ... Do like every other struggling
young model does when he’s in a pinch.
Instead of updating your profile on
ModelMayhem.com, try creating one at
RentBoy.com. I hear the going rate for a
90
power bottom is $150, so
buy some good grease, hunty! You’ll need
to take about a dozen hateful cocks every
month to pay that rent. NEXT!
Dear Miss Tiger,
My friends say that my new boyfriend
isn’t cute like me. I’m attracted to his
personality. Besides, we’re perfect
together. I’m a model and he’s rich. What
do you think?
— Cody
Dear Nothing Good EVER Comes From A
Boy With A Trashy Name Like Cody,
NEXT!
Dear Miss Tiger,
What should I do about my cheating
boyfriend? He’s a runway model and
much younger than me, but I’m ready to
throw his ass out! Help!
— Shawn
Dear Next Time Be Less Concerned With
The Wrapping And Pay More Attention To
The Gift,
Darling, sometimes when you bite down
on a Twinkie, you get a bad taste of reality
instead of the sweet, creamy filling!
Wanna talk to me LIVE about this kind
of bullshit and more? Then join me
August 18th on Derek and Romaine
• SiriusXM OutQ 106 at 7pm MT! Visit
my website for more info about my radio
appearances.
Miss Tiger - Advice Columnist • SiriusXM
radio personality ... and everyone’s
#FAVORITEBITCH
Website FavoriteBitch.com
Facebook/Twitter MissTiger
Advice [email protected]
by Sean Kapera
@ Synergistic Studios
Jonathan Benitez
Portland, OR
Model/Actor
FOLLOW on instagram @SynergisticStudios 92
WARNING
by Addison DeWitt
HOT GUYS!
I
’m using that sexy go-go
boy Angelo Leon (A) at
the beginning of my
column just to get your
attention. Now that I
have it, let’s go!
Phoenix
602.993.4567
Tucson
520.791.2345
FREE to listen &
reply to ads!
FREE CODE: Say “IONAZ”
For other local numbers call:
1-888-MegaMates
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1-888-634-2628
24/7 Customer Care 1(888) 634.2628 18+ ©2014 PC LLC
94
2569
During a recent trip
to the Big Apple,
B
The Clarendon
hotelier Ben Bethel
(B) got glitter kissed
on the lips by none
other than Neil Patrick
Harris’s (C) own
musical theatrically
transgendered self
during a performance
of the remounted
Hedwig and the Angry
Inch on the Great White
Way. (What did his lipstick
taste like?)
A
D
Speaking of the
business of show,
it looks like that
handsome Bryce
Matheson (D) is serving
F
up some majorly sexy
“Daddy Warbucks” (E)
realness with his freshly
shaved chrome dome here
and he’s ready for a
fabulous Broadway
production of “Annie.”
Who’ll play the orphan
and the dog, Sandy? Let’s
revise it, make it gay and
just call it “Mannie.” [Editor’s
note: kids, if you don’t know who
“Little Orphan Annie” is or the annoying
1976 musical, ask your moms. Or
grandmas.] “Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love
ya! Tomorrow!” Sure. Sure you will.
The new, improved bar icepics
had a much needed facelift
and is hip-hoppin’, trippin’ and
twerkin’ off the hook since
Kiki Andrews came in like a
wrecking ball. Well, a wrecking
ball with lots of foam rubber
padding, of course. Here’s Kiki
with that bodacious Brazilian
Bombshell Fabrício Carvalho
(F) was a foxy finalist during
the bar’s weekly “Fan-Fuckin’Tastic Friday” parties.
I’ve never been so happy
for these dirty summertime
C
haboobs. Those sexy Wild Men
of the West were washing cars at
Charlie’s to raise money for the Joshua
Tree Feeding Program. That sexy
Jason Vaccaro (G) can give me a
sponge bath and Simonize me from
my grill to my tailpipe anytime. And
E make sure those rims are shining
like the top of the Chrysler Building
by the time you’re done, darling.
Jason puts the “man” in “manifold.”
I haven’t posted a “Party Penguin of the
Month here in quite a while. Frankly,
readers, I’ve been disappointed in
you. I need to be impressed. And
you know who inspires me? I’ll tell
you: it’s the famous “Tamale
Lady” (H) who peddles her
G
tasty treats all over town.
That’s the way to my
heart. That and promises
of gratuitous nudity.
H
Now guess how
I’m gonna end
this? Much as I
began it. But this
time with Angelo’s
end. The livin’ end!
You’re welcome.
96
Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22
Your turbosupercharger gives your own
special “internal combustion engine” some
n search of a little Fahrvergnügen? Fasten increased power for the long haul. If it’s
your seat belts, because Venus is in conyour birthday, you’ll be getting some great
junction with Jupiter on August 18. These
mileage on the highway. Take a road trip
dazzling planets present opportunities of
with someone special.
chance, luck and optimism. Los Olivos can
detail your car, but it’s up to you to get your- Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22
You’re a little overheated lately. You’re likely
self spiritually spic & span. Bring your own
classy chassis to Ignition Phoenix on August to blow a gasket if you don’t take it easy.
30. You might be surprised who you’ll meet. Your internal combustion engine will run
smoothly if you get your tailpipe cleaned
Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20
out. You know you need it.
You’re running on a fast idle. A tune up will
Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23
get your timing adjusted. As far as you’re
That luxury model you’ve been looking at
personal life is concerned, don’t race into
turns out to be a lemon when you take it for
anything too early or wait ‘til it’s too late
a test drive. You’ll find a better model with
because timing is everything.
an asking price that’s within range. This one
Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20
won’t backfire on you.
You’ll catch yourself slamming on the brakes
late in the month when you’re in a near fatal Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23
You’ve been running on empty and now it
collision with Destiny. Gently accelerate as
looks like you’ll need roadside assistance
you enter the on-ramp to the Freeway of
to get you where you need to be. Don’t be
Love, merging with on-coming traffic.
afraid to ask for help. Someone is waiting to
Gemini May 21 - June 21
fill ‘er up—with premium.
You’ll need to prove that you have a valid
license and current registration when you’re Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20
You’ve been having trouble with your
questioned about a violation. Prove you’re
qualified to be behind the wheel of whatever starter and it may need to be replaced. It
happens. A qualified mechanic with the right
you do. And you do it so well.
screwdriver and plenty of lube can get it in
Cancer June 22 - July 22
running order. It might take overnight—or
Have you checked your emissions, hoses
longer.
and tubes? Make sure they’re in good
Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19
working order during the summer months
when they’ll be getting lots of use. Someone Your battery gets a jump start when you
think it’s gone for good. Someone who
checks under the hood just to make sure.
knows what they’re doing clamps their
Leo July 23 - Aug. 22
cables on your terminals and gives you a
You were in “park.” Then you got stuck in
nice, long, powerful charge. Vroom! Vroom!
“reverse,” but you’ve been in “neutral” for a
Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20
while. Get off the stick and put in first, then
You need a front end alignment but you
second gear because you’ll be in overdrive
should have your rear axle looked at, too.
now. Birthday cats prefer “automatic” over
Need your oil checked? Someone with a
“manual.”
nice, long dipstick can help. Your engine
hasn’t seized up and you’re still a smooth
ride.
I
98

PAST_ISSUES_files/ION Arizona 158 August WEB

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