1 Welcome to the epic world of Epic Legends of the

Welcome to the epic world of Epic Legends of the Hierarchs!...........24
History .....................................................................................................24
Timesorc’ley ............................................................................................27
Wiki...........................................................................................................28
The Elemenstor Cycle ...............................................................................28
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice..................30
Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................30
Jacket quotes ...........................................................................................32
Notes ........................................................................................................32
Plot elements explained ........................................................................32
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 2: Dawn of the Dark Shadows ..................34
Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................34
Summary..................................................................................................35
Spoilers ................................................................................................35
Excerpts ...................................................................................................36
Trivia ........................................................................................................37
Fan Reactions .........................................................................................37
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 3: The Rubion Sword.................................38
Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................38
Book Highlights .....................................................................................38
Reviews ....................................................................................................39
Excerpts ...................................................................................................40
Commentary ...........................................................................................40
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 4: Curse of the Doombane..........................41
Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................41
Notes ........................................................................................................42
Excerpts ...................................................................................................42
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 5: The Underpants of the Underdeep..........44
Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................44
Fan Reactions .........................................................................................44
New Characters ......................................................................................45
Felthar the Moderately Handsome ..................................................45
Cubby ....................................................................................................45
Serafina Haberdasheron.........................................................................45
Gorg Stinkrot ........................................................................................45
Borold Gravelsnot III, Revered Keeper of the Ornamental
Dishwashing Liquid ..............................................................................45
Dorc the Incontinent, King of Ezermethalon...................................45
Professor Bertus Tanklebing ...............................................................45
Headmaster Scrooble ...........................................................................45
The Fanged Vole-Guard ......................................................................45
Air Elemenstor Qaxrad of Syzz ........................................................46
Queen-Princess Xanzandrinzel (briefly)...............................................46
1
Recurring Characters .............................................................................46
Dogus Brankorking, now the ripe old age of 86. After the events
of this book he leaves the order of Fire Elemenstation and
becomes one of the Wasted Elemenstors...........................................46
Notes ........................................................................................................46
Observations ...........................................................................................46
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 6: Nightstand’s Peril ..................................47
Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................47
Behind the Scenes ..................................................................................47
Recurring Characters .............................................................................48
Felthar the Moderately Handsome And Now Darkly Mysterious
...............................................................................................................48
Cubby ....................................................................................................48
Serafina Haberdasheron .........................................................................48
Gorg Stinkrot ........................................................................................48
Borold Gravelsnot III, Revered Keeper of the Ornamental
Dishwashing Liquid...............................................................................48
Dogus Brankorking, Wasted Elemenstor and his familiar, Turnum,
the Smug Ape .......................................................................................48
Grimfleur, antagonist majore (minor villain last seen in The Rubion
Sword)....................................................................................................48
New Characters ......................................................................................48
Drongor the Unexpected, King of Ezermethalon, Son of Dorc the
Incontinent..........................................................................................48
Gimba, Lady of Terle...........................................................................48
Doric, Knight of the Lady of Terle ...................................................48
Semmellhalt, Squire of the Knight of the Lady of Terle .................48
Abercrombie, Accidental Furniliar of the Squire of the Knight of
the Lady of Terle .................................................................................49
Mycho Eharb, Itinerant Scribe of the Lady of Terle and author of
SET:HToLE .......................................................................................49
Grim Paperpush, Head Bureau-crat of the Ezermethalonian
Department of Active Furnishings..........................................................49
Stoutback, Captain of the Chair Brigade............................................49
Straightleg, Seargant of the Chair Brigade..........................................49
Persephalous, Lieutenant of the Chair Brigade, Stoutback’s lackey. .49
Zynthar, Wasted Elemenstor (Only appears in rare early draft).49
Elspeth the Plainsrunner, Savannah Ranger and guide........................49
Related Literature ...................................................................................49
Excerpts from the book ........................................................................50
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 7: The Trial at Elddim’s Peak ..................52
Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................52
Three Foolish Children .........................................................................53
2
Misc Notes ..............................................................................................53
Chapter 8 .................................................................................................54
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 8: The Archmagi of Eldersbane .................56
Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................56
Book Highlights.................................................................................57
Misc Notes ..............................................................................................57
Chapter Summaries................................................................................57
Book 8 is 27 chapters long, 244 pages...........................................58
Chapters 1-3: ......................................................................................58
Chapters 4-5: ......................................................................................58
Chapters 6-9: ......................................................................................58
Chapters 10-13:..................................................................................58
Chapters 14-16:..................................................................................58
Chapters 17-19:..................................................................................59
Chapters 20-23:..................................................................................59
Chapters 24-25:..................................................................................59
Chapter 26: .........................................................................................59
Chapter 27: .........................................................................................60
Excerpts:..................................................................................................60
Appendices A & B: ................................................................................61
Endnotes: ................................................................................................62
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 9: Rise of the Rhjajyept ..............................62
Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................62
Notes ........................................................................................................62
Excerpts ...................................................................................................64
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 10: The Hierarch Wars Begin (Colloquially,
Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. I).....................................................................65
Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................65
Dust Jacket (On editions of Book 10 printed after Book 12)........65
Notes ........................................................................................................66
Recurring Characters .............................................................................67
Sierra Vanity ........................................................................................67
Guddboy Lad ........................................................................................67
Serafina Haberdasheron (deceased).....................................................67
Borold Gravelsnot III, Revered Keeper of the Ornamental
Dishwashing Liquid ..............................................................................67
Persephalous, Ex-Lieutenant of the Chair Brigade, Hermit.............67
New Characters ......................................................................................67
Barven Valori, Furniliar, secret lover to Persephalous.......................67
Baltor the Upright, Wasted Elemenstor known also as Killer Black...67
Toran, the young and impressionable Elemenstor ..........................67
Companionship of the Elemenstors (appear at the end of the book
and in the next two volumes)..........................................................67
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Unsolved Mysteries................................................................................68
Excerpts from the Text .........................................................................68
Related articles ........................................................................................69
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 11: The Hierarch Wars Continue
(colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. II)............................................69
Dust Jacket Notes (presented on a subdivider page in the
“Hierarch’s Trilogy” of books 10, 11 and 12.)..................................69
Notes ........................................................................................................70
Notable Events .......................................................................................71
The Digressions......................................................................................72
Related articles ........................................................................................72
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 12 : End of the Hierarch Wars
(Colloquially, Elemenstors: Spring Break ‘2,167) ........................................73
Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................73
Notes ........................................................................................................73
Key Events in the Story ........................................................................74
Related articles ........................................................................................75
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 13: The Glaivemistress(es) of Arvalyyon.....75
Dust Jacket Notes ..................................................................................76
Comments ...............................................................................................76
Knack Aware Microbes.........................................................................77
Excerpts from the Text .........................................................................78
ULTIMATE SPOILER ........................................................................78
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 13 and ½: The Eternal Timesorc’ley of
Middlemoon.....................................................................................................79
Synopsis....................................................................................................79
Contents...................................................................................................79
Notes ........................................................................................................80
Excerpts Found So Far .........................................................................80
:.......................................................................................................................81
;.......................................................................................................................81
The Number 3,895,074 ..............................................................................82
A Night at The Rusty Spear ......................................................................84
Abercrombie ................................................................................................85
Action Sequence..........................................................................................85
Affenlichtbaum............................................................................................86
Agash.............................................................................................................86
Basic Rules...............................................................................................87
Setup ....................................................................................................87
The Throwing Phase .........................................................................88
The Deciding Phase ..........................................................................88
Victory Conditions ............................................................................89
Optional Rules ........................................................................................89
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Advanced Techniques ...........................................................................90
Agash in Battal ........................................................................................91
Agash in the Real World .......................................................................91
Air..................................................................................................................92
Aklom Reklats .............................................................................................93
The Exile .................................................................................................93
The Manisfestation ................................................................................94
The Death and Rebirth .........................................................................94
Ale .................................................................................................................95
The Kingdom of Alfafanar .......................................................................95
History ..........................................................................................................96
The Clans.................................................................................................96
The Founding of the Kingdom ...........................................................96
The End? .................................................................................................97
Economics ...................................................................................................97
Kings.............................................................................................................97
The Allsoul...................................................................................................98
Alvin Williams .............................................................................................98
Amberberry..................................................................................................98
Fan Art..........................................................................................................99
Anonymous Third Person Observer.......................................................99
Theories on the Observer’s identity .................................................100
The Observer is Brahe....................................................................100
The Observer is a fictional character ...........................................100
The Observer doesn’t exist............................................................101
What about the rest of The Elemenstor Cycle?....................................101
The Anti-Climax of Northeastern Crestplains ....................................102
Antior..........................................................................................................102
Apostrophine.............................................................................................102
Arcadus.......................................................................................................103
The Arcane Elvin Language ...................................................................103
Arcane Northern Realms ........................................................................103
Archibald Almalastor ...............................................................................104
Archimedes Breakwind............................................................................105
Archmagi of Eldersbane..........................................................................105
Ark Riven ...................................................................................................106
Arkazanthal................................................................................................106
Arkleaf ........................................................................................................107
Arvalyyon ...................................................................................................107
Asana Millytopthought ............................................................................107
Atlantistantinople......................................................................................107
Availability..................................................................................................108
Published works and availability........................................................108
5
Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice (Colloquially, A New Franchise)
................................................................................................................ 108
Book 2: Dawn of the Dark Shadows (Colloquially, The Elemenstors
Strike Back)............................................................................................ 109
Book 3: The Rubion Sword.................................................................... 109
Book 4: Curse of the Doombane............................................................. 110
Book 5: The Underpants of the Underdeep............................................. 110
Book 6: Nightstand|Nightstand’s Peril................................................. 110
Book 7: The Trial at Elddim’s Peak..................................................... 111
Book 8: The Archmagi of Eldersbane .................................................... 111
Book 9: Rise of the Rhjajyept ................................................................. 111
Book 10: The Hierarch Wars Begin (Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone
Wild, Vol. I)........................................................................................... 112
Book 11: The Hierarch Wars Continue (Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone
Wild, Vol. II) ......................................................................................... 112
Book 12: End of the Hierarch Wars (Colloquially, Elemenstors: Spring
Break ‘2,167) * ...................................................................................... 113
Book 13: Glaivemistress(es) of Arvalyyon (Colloquially, Was He Drunk
Or What?) .............................................................................................. 113
Bag of Tender Holding ........................................................................... 115
Bag of the Endless Void ......................................................................... 115
Baltor the Upright.................................................................................... 116
Banachronation ........................................................................................ 116
The Baren Swamplands of Yore ........................................................... 117
Barven Valori............................................................................................ 118
Bathtub Furniliars .................................................................................... 118
What Zuumont Learned Spoiler Warning ......................................... 119
Other Appearances of Bathtub Furniliars ...................................... 120
Battal .......................................................................................................... 121
History of the Geography.................................................................. 121
The Names of the Lands ................................................................... 121
Kingdoms of Battal............................................................................. 122
The First Battal................................................................................ 122
Battal of the Magic Sword Kings ................................................. 122
To Be Continued... ......................................................................... 123
Maps ...................................................................................................... 123
Battal Adventures..................................................................................... 124
Summary........................................................................................... 124
Timeline............................................................................................ 125
Battle of Firthmore Loch ....................................................................... 125
Battle of Foelttabeht................................................................................ 125
Battle of Mort ........................................................................................... 127
The Battle of Splinters ............................................................................ 128
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Battle of the Moonlit Banners ................................................................130
Battle of Windfield Plains .......................................................................130
Battlestaff ...................................................................................................131
Battlestaff-Related Poses .........................................................................131
The Bay of Cream.....................................................................................132
BBBBandana, Apocalyptica ....................................................................133
Origin .....................................................................................................133
References in the Saga.........................................................................133
Beef .............................................................................................................133
Bendloyer Felkin.......................................................................................134
Official Information ............................................................................134
Fan Fiction ............................................................................................134
Bertus Tanklebing.....................................................................................135
Bibee ...........................................................................................................135
Black Flame ...............................................................................................136
Blee..............................................................................................................137
History ...................................................................................................137
Geography.............................................................................................138
Places .................................................................................................138
Notable Figures ....................................................................................138
Blood...........................................................................................................139
Blossomwand ............................................................................................140
Bodice Bane...............................................................................................140
Bom.............................................................................................................140
Review of ‘The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 3: The Rubion Sword’ by
Charlton C. Mayze....................................................................................140
Borold Gravelsnot III..............................................................................142
ELotH:TES Canon..............................................................................142
Brahe-prime ...............................................................................................142
Brahe Code ................................................................................................143
Brezgar Two-Eye ......................................................................................143
Bright Moons ............................................................................................144
Bureau-crat.................................................................................................145
Captain Tev................................................................................................146
Cataclysmic Bluont...................................................................................147
Century of Fire..........................................................................................147
The Chair Brigade.....................................................................................148
ELotH:TES Canon..............................................................................149
Char Reyarteb............................................................................................149
Early Days .............................................................................................149
Beginnings and Ends...........................................................................149
The Unsundering and Reformation..................................................150
Reyarteb’s Defeat .................................................................................151
7
Reyarteb’s Return and the Hierarch Wars ...................................... 151
Fan Art................................................................................................... 152
Chasing Death .......................................................................................... 153
Summary........................................................................................... 153
Timeline............................................................................................ 153
Cheddarblade Cornuthaum.................................................................... 153
The Children of Valedaleglenhill, or The Three Foolish Children ........ 154
Chrome Garden ....................................................................................... 154
The Chronoclave...................................................................................... 155
Chronoclone ............................................................................................. 157
Chthonic Swinemen ................................................................................ 158
Criticism ................................................................................................ 158
Famous Clerical Healers: ........................................................................ 159
The Comfortable-Looking Sofa ............................................................ 159
Companionship of the Elemenstors..................................................... 160
Members of the Original Companionship...................................... 160
Additional Elemenstors (arrived later) ............................................ 160
Convolution and Complexity................................................................. 161
Criticism of Brahe’s Approach.......................................................... 161
The Council of Elders and Betters ....................................................... 162
Crestplains ................................................................................................. 163
Crystalcrown Chronicles......................................................................... 164
Notes ..................................................................................................... 164
Characters ............................................................................................. 165
Locations............................................................................................... 165
Misc Notable Events .......................................................................... 166
Cubby ......................................................................................................... 166
Biography .................................................................................................. 166
Death ..................................................................................................... 167
Re-Furniliarisation............................................................................... 167
ELotH:TES Canon ............................................................................. 167
Curld........................................................................................................... 167
Cylinder and Tube Theories................................................................... 168
General Assumptions ......................................................................... 168
The Three Weapon Theory ............................................................... 168
The Tube is Cylinder Theory ............................................................ 169
The Tube is Tube Theory .................................................................. 169
Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness........................ 169
Dark Elemenstation................................................................................. 170
Dark Elemenstors .................................................................................... 171
Other Dark Elemenstors ................................................................... 172
Dark Fourteen .......................................................................................... 172
The Dark Master ...................................................................................... 173
8
The Darkstorm..........................................................................................173
Effects.........................................................................................................174
The Dead Lands .......................................................................................175
Death in the Family: A Very Special Wizbits ......................................176
Summary................................................................................................177
Moral..................................................................................................177
Notes ......................................................................................................177
Cast and Crew.......................................................................................178
Written by .........................................................................................178
Directed by .......................................................................................178
Comments .............................................................................................179
Dellberry.....................................................................................................179
Department of Active Furnishings........................................................180
Notable Officials..................................................................................180
Dim Elves ..................................................................................................180
General Description ............................................................................180
Addendum from The works of The Chronicler ...........................181
Phylogeny ..............................................................................................182
Militia......................................................................................................182
DivX ...........................................................................................................182
Dogus Brankorking ..................................................................................183
Canon References ................................................................................183
Comments .............................................................................................186
Dolphinthropes.........................................................................................186
Dooblegnards ............................................................................................187
The Doomblade........................................................................................187
Doorknob Marshals .................................................................................188
Dorc the Incontinent ...............................................................................188
Doric ...........................................................................................................189
Doublemint................................................................................................189
Dreemkast, the Dreamcaster ..................................................................190
The drinking and pill binge.....................................................................190
Overview ...............................................................................................190
The Facts ...............................................................................................191
The Theories.........................................................................................191
From The Mundane........................................................................191
Through The Paranoid ...................................................................192
To The Fantastic .............................................................................192
• The Truth-.................................................................................193
Drinking Games........................................................................................193
King Drongor the Unexpected ..............................................................195
Dwarfsdown ..............................................................................................195
Dwarves......................................................................................................196
9
Culture................................................................................................... 196
Wandering ........................................................................................ 197
Dwarf Women................................................................................. 197
Longevity.......................................................................................... 197
Government ......................................................................................... 198
Cuisine ................................................................................................... 198
Alcohol .................................................................................................. 198
Pantheon ............................................................................................... 199
The Dwarven Gods........................................................................ 199
Calendar ................................................................................................ 199
Rivalry.................................................................................................... 200
Note ....................................................................................................... 200
Dyemons ................................................................................................... 200
Methods of defeating dyemons......................................................... 201
Earth........................................................................................................... 203
Epic Fan Companion (EFC).................................................................. 204
Effervescent Lake .................................................................................... 204
Ekezenthal................................................................................................. 205
Fan Art ....................................................................................................... 206
lanfariestel the Easily Convinced .......................................................... 206
Eldersbane................................................................................................. 207
Eldritch Rift .............................................................................................. 207
Elemenstation........................................................................................... 208
Elemenstors .............................................................................................. 208
Elemenstor Cycle Timeline .................................................................... 210
The Elemenstor of Light ........................................................................ 210
Elemenstor Radio Dramas ..................................................................... 211
Elemenstrix ............................................................................................... 212
Elements.................................................................................................... 212
Introduction ......................................................................................... 212
Primary Elements ................................................................................ 213
Secondary Elements............................................................................ 213
Ur-Elements ......................................................................................... 214
Ur-Ur-Elements................................................................................... 214
Dark Elemenstation Facets ............................................................... 214
Elementals and Dark Spirits.............................................................. 215
Other Elements ................................................................................... 215
Not Elements In The Purest Sense, But Close Enough To Be
Listed Here ........................................................................................... 215
Terminology ......................................................................................... 216
Elmether (or, The Elmether) ................................................................. 217
ELotH : The Furnishing......................................................................... 217
Controversy .......................................................................................... 219
10
ELotH Limited Edition Busts................................................................220
Elspeth the Plainsrunner .........................................................................221
Elves............................................................................................................222
Shared characteristics of the Elves include: ....................................222
History ...................................................................................................223
Elvin Factions ..................................................................................223
Government .....................................................................................224
Pantheon................................................................................................224
Epic .............................................................................................................224
Back to Elements | Back to Complete List of Elements .............224
Epic Hierarch Monthly............................................................................225
Notable Issues ......................................................................................225
Premier Issue #1: “Ready or not! Here comes ElamenSTAR!”
............................................................................................................226
Epic Legends Of The Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga, as read by
James Earl Jones .......................................................................................226
Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor ..............................................................227
Epicness .....................................................................................................228
Eulithian Resonance Vector ...................................................................228
Evilnors ......................................................................................................229
Evilnor Concept Art............................................................................229
Kingdom of Ezermethalon.....................................................................230
Location .................................................................................................230
Geography.............................................................................................230
Places .................................................................................................230
Notable Ezermethalonians.................................................................231
Notable Ezermethalonian Events.....................................................231
Ezermethalonian Organisations ........................................................231
ELotH:TES Canon..............................................................................231
FaeriWraithe Lands ..................................................................................231
Familiar.......................................................................................................232
Examples include.............................................................................232
Fanged Vole-Guard..................................................................................232
Farnvania....................................................................................................232
Felthar the Moderately Handsome........................................................233
The Early Years....................................................................................233
The School Years .................................................................................234
The After-School Years ......................................................................234
The After-After-School Years ...........................................................234
After the After-After-School Years (spoiler) ..................................234
ELotH:TES Canon..............................................................................235
Fans for a True Tycho Brahe Epic (FfaTTBE) ..................................235
Finkfru ........................................................................................................236
11
Finnish “Translation”.............................................................................. 236
Fire.............................................................................................................. 238
Fonard........................................................................................................ 240
The Forests of Misery ............................................................................. 241
The Legendary Four Plaster Shards...................................................... 241
The Four Underdogs............................................................................... 242
Free Furniliars........................................................................................... 243
Fregor the Untruthful.............................................................................. 244
Fumias Humblor ...................................................................................... 245
Furniliar ..................................................................................................... 245
ELotH:TES Canon ........................................................................ 246
Merchandise..................................................................................... 246
Furry People.............................................................................................. 247
Gabe ........................................................................................................... 247
Gavment Rayling...................................................................................... 248
Fan Art ....................................................................................................... 249
Gem Flecks ............................................................................................... 250
Origins .............................................................................................. 250
Gespechio.................................................................................................. 250
General.................................................................................................. 251
The Story of Gespechio ..................................................................... 251
Gimba ........................................................................................................ 253
The Ginormous Soul............................................................................... 253
Gladiatingor .............................................................................................. 254
Glaive ......................................................................................................... 254
Glaivemistress........................................................................................... 255
Glaivemistress of Arvalyyon .................................................................. 255
Goats and Silver ....................................................................................... 255
Gorg Stinkrot............................................................................................ 256
ELotH:TES Canon ............................................................................. 257
Gorthmaugs .............................................................................................. 257
Graha.......................................................................................................... 259
Great Iceberg Sea..................................................................................... 260
Grim Paperpush ....................................................................................... 260
ELotH:TES Canon ............................................................................. 261
Grimfleur................................................................................................... 261
Grimgrieve ................................................................................................ 262
Guddboy Lad............................................................................................ 262
Guild of Free Traders.............................................................................. 264
Gulrab ........................................................................................................ 264
Hairball ...................................................................................................... 264
Halfmen ..................................................................................................... 265
Halfmen Revolution ................................................................................ 265
12
Harbingers..................................................................................................265
Harbinger Omen.......................................................................................266
Harbinger Portent.....................................................................................267
The Hat of Destiny ..................................................................................268
He is already dead.....................................................................................268
Heart ...........................................................................................................269
The Debate............................................................................................269
Implications in Battle Theory ............................................................270
Heart and Metaphysics........................................................................271
Heeroh Troughberry ................................................................................272
Hepgoiess...................................................................................................274
The Hidden Moon....................................................................................274
Spoiler .........................................................................................................275
Hierarch Larchmere .................................................................................275
General...................................................................................................275
Real World Interpretations.................................................................276
The Hierarch Wars ...................................................................................277
Books of the Hierarch Wars ..............................................................277
Hierarchs ....................................................................................................277
High Elemenstation .................................................................................278
The Runeglyphabet ..................................................................................279
High Elemenstor.......................................................................................279
Weapons of the High Elemenstor................................................280
Homo Canii ...............................................................................................280
Interesting Facts:.......................................................................................280
Dust Jacket.................................................................................................281
Plot ..............................................................................................................281
Horatio Luskfish.......................................................................................283
Ickthorn the Unpopular ..........................................................................284
The Infurnal...............................................................................................285
The Institute Of Accoutermentia ..........................................................286
Notable Alumni....................................................................................286
Notable Staff.........................................................................................286
Isaac Purcheron ........................................................................................287
Ishkarot Doogan.......................................................................................287
Ithbarg ........................................................................................................287
Ithbarg II....................................................................................................288
Jarvelos .......................................................................................................289
Jubilee of the New Year ..........................................................................289
Jyept Adept ................................................................................................290
Kapybara ....................................................................................................292
ELotH:TES Canon .........................................................................293
Fan Art........................................................................................................294
13
Kelembad .................................................................................................. 294
Recorded Kings and Queens of Kelembad .................................... 295
Killer Black................................................................................................ 295
King Ronard ............................................................................................. 296
Knight Moon Roar .................................................................................. 298
Knobble the Desk.................................................................................... 299
Kordish Butter.......................................................................................... 299
The Story of Mort and the Kordish butter ...................................... 299
Lady Absinthia.......................................................................................... 300
Birth ....................................................................................................... 300
Life ......................................................................................................... 300
Fame ...................................................................................................... 301
Death ..................................................................................................... 301
After Death........................................................................................... 301
trivia ....................................................................................................... 302
Quotes ................................................................................................... 302
Fan Art ....................................................................................................... 302
Lands of Va............................................................................................... 303
Geography of Va ................................................................................. 303
Politics of Va........................................................................................ 303
Languages of Va .................................................................................. 304
Industries of Va ................................................................................... 304
Lapua Elves Movement .......................................................................... 304
Larrana Modpeer...................................................................................... 304
Lavatoria .................................................................................................... 305
Law 323...................................................................................................... 306
Entertainment/Tautology Renumeration Law.......................... 306
Lextor the Vextor..................................................................................... 309
Lift Maiden................................................................................................ 309
Linuxium ................................................................................................... 310
Tied to everything........................................................................... 310
Notes ..................................................................................................... 310
List of Sensoared Spells and Gears....................................................... 311
Forbidden Spells.................................................................................. 311
Double Forbidden Spells ................................................................... 311
Naughty Spells ..................................................................................... 312
Spells That Are Best Not Even to Talk About.............................. 312
Forbidden Gears.................................................................................. 312
Double Forbidden Gears................................................................... 312
Naughty Gears ..................................................................................... 312
Gears That Are Best Not Even to Talk About (BNEtTa) .......... 312
Notes ..................................................................................................... 313
Littleosopher-Kings................................................................................. 313
14
Longsword +π...........................................................................................314
Lopae of Hopea ........................................................................................330
Fan Art........................................................................................................331
Lord B’gh’d (623 - 850) ...........................................................................331
Lord Kinlo .................................................................................................332
Fan Art........................................................................................................333
Lord Silvermane Snarlsnout....................................................................334
Magic Puzzleboxes ...................................................................................335
Whatsinyeeargh .........................................................................................335
Magic Sword Kings ..................................................................................336
Magistrate Prophet Neighsayer ..............................................................338
Malatox, The Omni Scarf........................................................................338
Mandleclang...............................................................................................338
Cities, Villages, and Hamlets (and other such locations of interest)
of Mangleclang .....................................................................................339
Manwich St Meatily ..................................................................................339
Maskatoo ....................................................................................................340
Colonel McAllister....................................................................................340
Middleclang................................................................................................340
The Middlemoon ......................................................................................342
Mike Krahulik............................................................................................342
Million Year War ......................................................................................343
MooMaa .....................................................................................................343
Story........................................................................................................344
Powers of MooMaa .............................................................................345
MooMaa Trivia .....................................................................................346
MooMaa’s Forms .................................................................................346
Mordichai Alamede ..................................................................................347
In The Wizbits Cartoon ..........................................................................348
The Insanity ..........................................................................................348
The Aftermath ......................................................................................349
Mort and the Day Absolutely Nothing of Any Import Happened .350
Mort and the Earl of the Pirates ............................................................351
Mort and the Unusually Big Cow ..........................................................355
Mort and the Yogurt of Doom ..............................................................355
Mosaic Platter of Ronard ........................................................................356
Mount Windice .........................................................................................358
Notes ......................................................................................................358
Mount Wor ................................................................................................359
Mountain Dew Epic Black......................................................................359
Mucksuckers ..............................................................................................360
The Mud King...........................................................................................360
Mycho Eharb.............................................................................................361
15
Myrkmoom ............................................................................................... 362
ELotH:TES Canon ........................................................................ 362
The NightLairds ....................................................................................... 363
The NightLairds .................................................................................. 363
Nightstand................................................................................................. 364
Niozeyon ................................................................................................... 365
Noddy Chillbreezey ................................................................................. 365
Non-Life .................................................................................................... 366
Northern Vale........................................................................................... 366
Nutfob ....................................................................................................... 367
Oblivion..................................................................................................... 367
Ohcyt Panamarans................................................................................... 368
Old House of Eyekia Lane..................................................................... 369
Old Karpithon .......................................................................................... 369
Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid .......................................................... 370
Orphenna Troughberry........................................................................... 370
Notes ..................................................................................................... 371
Oryand and Greg ..................................................................................... 371
Notes ..................................................................................................... 371
P’km’n the Hungry .................................................................................. 372
Parable of the Swimming Rabbit........................................................... 372
Pastafarianism and The Elemenstor Cycle.......................................... 375
Perilous Circumstances ........................................................................... 376
Persephalous Extarba.............................................................................. 377
Pixlies ......................................................................................................... 378
Plague Mother Spore............................................................................... 378
Plain Plains Plane ..................................................................................... 379
Plane of Brooding Melancholia ............................................................. 380
Pormora ..................................................................................................... 380
Portund ...................................................................................................... 381
Reasons Why Portund Never Achieved Twelve Realm Status ... 382
Locations within Portund .................................................................. 382
Places to Visit....................................................................................... 382
Elemenstor Prigglesnap .......................................................................... 383
Princess Crystalcrown ............................................................................. 383
Pyromancer ............................................................................................... 385
Qaxrad of Syzz ......................................................................................... 386
Queen-Princess Xanzandrinzel ............................................................. 386
Fan Art ....................................................................................................... 387
Quotable Quotes...................................................................................... 387
Canon Literature.................................................................................. 387
The Wizbits............................................................................................. 391
Misc ELotH Quotes from other sources........................................ 392
16
Real World Quotes ..............................................................................392
Raunch Iron...............................................................................................393
Raven Darkblood......................................................................................394
Fan Art........................................................................................................394
Ray Charebet .............................................................................................395
Ray the Telesorcerial ................................................................................395
Real Life Timeline ....................................................................................398
1543 ........................................................................................................398
1601 ........................................................................................................398
1977 ........................................................................................................398
1978 ........................................................................................................399
1980 ........................................................................................................399
1982 ........................................................................................................399
1986 ........................................................................................................399
1987 ........................................................................................................400
1988 ........................................................................................................400
1989 ........................................................................................................400
1992 ........................................................................................................401
1994 ........................................................................................................401
1996 ........................................................................................................401
1997 ........................................................................................................402
1998 ........................................................................................................403
1999 ........................................................................................................404
2000 ........................................................................................................405
2001 ........................................................................................................405
2002 ........................................................................................................406
2003 ........................................................................................................407
2004 ........................................................................................................407
2005 ........................................................................................................407
2006 ........................................................................................................408
2007 ........................................................................................................409
2008 ........................................................................................................409
Date Unknown .....................................................................................409
Realmmasters.............................................................................................410
Realmworlds Delicious Freezees Inc ....................................................411
Realmworlds Publishing ..........................................................................411
Recliner of Botany ....................................................................................412
Return to Underpants campaign............................................................412
Revolp Darkblood ....................................................................................413
Rhaja Lord .................................................................................................413
Rhjajyept.....................................................................................................414
Rickett’s and Toby’s Guide.....................................................................415
Rogue Chronosorcellors..........................................................................417
17
Ronard Dynasty........................................................................................ 418
Ronard the Medium................................................................................. 419
King Ronard the Shorter ........................................................................ 419
Rubian ........................................................................................................ 420
Tied with Stream. ............................................................................. 420
Origins of rubian ................................................................................. 421
Role in Wizbits Elemenstor Battle......................................................... 422
Sabembermoff .......................................................................................... 422
Savannah Ranger...................................................................................... 424
Notable Savannah Rangers................................................................ 424
Headmaster Profineous Scrooble ......................................................... 424
Semmellhalt............................................................................................... 424
Serafina Haberdasheron.......................................................................... 425
Background .......................................................................................... 425
Merchandise ......................................................................................... 426
ELotH:TES Canon ............................................................................. 426
Fan Art ....................................................................................................... 427
Somewhat Epic Trilogy: Hot Times on Little Earth ......................... 428
Shadia ......................................................................................................... 428
Shatterfrag ................................................................................................. 429
Sierra Vanity.............................................................................................. 429
Early Days............................................................................................. 430
Guddboy Lad and The Old House .................................................. 430
The Gathering Storm.......................................................................... 430
Her Tragic End.................................................................................... 431
Simon the Severe...................................................................................... 432
Single Author Theory.............................................................................. 432
Sjkarblae..................................................................................................... 433
General.................................................................................................. 433
Apparent Descendents ....................................................................... 434
The Slightly Older Ones ......................................................................... 434
Smug Ape .................................................................................................. 435
Sotar Olderndirt ....................................................................................... 436
The Spaghetti Plane ................................................................................. 436
Back to Planes .................................................................................... 436
Spaghetti Westerns................................................................................... 438
spica............................................................................................................ 438
Spica Mines ............................................................................................... 439
Spica Wars ................................................................................................. 439
Overview............................................................................................... 439
Timeline Events................................................................................... 440
Spiral Doom.............................................................................................. 441
Squidgy....................................................................................................... 442
18
Ssskssenek ..................................................................................................442
Ssskssenekland ..........................................................................................443
Staffmaestro Rodney................................................................................443
The Starborn Gem ...................................................................................444
The Anvil and its Splinter...................................................................444
Discovery and Reinvention ................................................................444
Pawns and Knights ..............................................................................445
Miscellaneous Information.................................................................445
Steppy Rayling ...........................................................................................446
Stoutback....................................................................................................448
Straightleg...................................................................................................448
Sw’ftfl’w River ...........................................................................................448
Tentacled Ancient Beast Yamshothog..................................................449
Terle ............................................................................................................449
Important Locations in Terle.............................................................450
Cities ..................................................................................................450
Villages ..............................................................................................450
Rivers.................................................................................................451
The Accursed Lake...................................................................................451
The Adventures of Isaac and Raven .....................................................451
Mini Episode Guide ............................................................................452
The Allied Troll and Ogre Door Guarders and Footmen Union....453
The Ambulatator ......................................................................................453
The Ambulatory Dresser that Shouted I at the Heart of the World
(世界の中心でアイを叫んだ徒歩の鏡台) ....................................454
Summary................................................................................................454
Notes ......................................................................................................455
Comments .............................................................................................456
The Bravery of the Doomed ..................................................................456
The Coast of Exotic Adventure.............................................................457
Towns/Villages/Seaports...................................................................457
Islands ....................................................................................................457
The Dank ...................................................................................................458
The Dunce Cap of Shame.......................................................................458
The Dyecast Nine.....................................................................................458
The Figurines ........................................................................................458
The Story ...............................................................................................459
The Eight Elemental Constructs ...........................................................459
The Four Vales..........................................................................................460
Nature of the Vales..............................................................................460
The Fourteenth Manuscript....................................................................462
The Gouth .................................................................................................463
The Great War of the Warlords.............................................................464
19
The Heirarch Wars: The Hidden And Very Dangerous Wars......... 465
Summary........................................................................................... 465
Timeline............................................................................................ 465
The Horseless Nomads of the Chasm ................................................. 465
The Kingdom of Parsonya. .................................................................... 467
The Kingdom of Yymp. ......................................................................... 468
Cities of Yymp ..................................................................................... 469
The Knack................................................................................................. 469
The Land of Thrown Fish...................................................................... 470
Government ......................................................................................... 471
The Warlord Kings......................................................................... 471
Geography ............................................................................................ 472
A Possible Origin ................................................................................ 472
The Longest Moment.............................................................................. 473
Timeline Events................................................................................... 473
Overview............................................................................................... 474
Introduction..................................................................................... 474
The Dwarfball Match and the Undoing of Fonard .................. 474
Yar the Sorcerial and Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted
Spikey Hammer............................................................................... 475
The Machine ............................................................................................. 476
The Mighty and Merciless Magical Monkey King Staff .................... 476
The Parchment Cylinder......................................................................... 477
The Resundering ...................................................................................... 478
The Rise and Fall of Minuschitae: The Longest Moment ...................... 479
Excerpts ................................................................................................ 479
The Rise of the Elemenstors.................................................................. 480
The Rubion Sword, The Blade of Zonard .......................................... 481
The Satchel................................................................................................ 481
The Savage Brutality of the War Men .................................................. 482
The Shield.................................................................................................. 483
Locations ................................................................................................... 484
The Steward Earl Stewart Earle Steward, the Earle of Steward ...... 486
The Story That Is Built One Sentence At a Time By Those That
Read It........................................................................................................ 486
Comments ............................................................................................ 499
The Sundered Era .................................................................................... 499
The Sundering .......................................................................................... 500
Related Topics: .................................................................................... 500
The Temptations of the Bix the End Table, and other tales ........... 501
Dust Jacket Notes ............................................................................... 501
Table of Contents................................................................................ 501
Comments ............................................................................................ 502
20
The Underdeep .........................................................................................503
The Unsundering ......................................................................................504
The Vampyre Kingdom of Far Southern Battal .................................504
Theoric’s Laws ..........................................................................................505
The Wizbits................................................................................................505
The History of the Ur-Wizbits and Their Four Familiars ............505
The Heroes............................................................................................506
Lander.................................................................................................506
Zula.....................................................................................................507
Skip.....................................................................................................507
Penny ...................................................................................................507
The Cartoon..........................................................................................507
Comments .............................................................................................508
The Wizbits Cartoon................................................................................508
Production Information......................................................................509
Theme Song ..........................................................................................510
Cast and Crew Information................................................................510
Lead Voice Actors...........................................................................510
Production Crew .............................................................................511
Thithithmihos............................................................................................511
Three Critical Errors ................................................................................512
Throbald the Somewhat Addled............................................................512
Thule Runderkrust....................................................................................514
The Tides of Epic Conflict Saga............................................................514
Books.................................................................................................514
Elemenstation on The Sickle .............................................................515
Characters .........................................................................................515
Timenes ......................................................................................................516
Back to Elements | Back to Complete List of Elements .............516
Too Soft Mattress.....................................................................................518
Toobanor ...................................................................................................518
The Fancy Elemenstor ...................................................................518
Tower of Power ........................................................................................518
Transchanting............................................................................................519
Tribbits .......................................................................................................519
TRotE .........................................................................................................521
Turnum.......................................................................................................521
The Twelve Realms of Antior ................................................................521
Twisted Furniliars .....................................................................................522
Twisted Furniliars of Battal................................................................522
Other Furniliars Often Referred To As Twisted ...........................523
Bathtub Furniliars...............................................................................523
Nightstands .........................................................................................523
21
The Infurnal....................................................................................... 523
Tycho Brahe.............................................................................................. 524
Tyge Ottesen............................................................................................. 526
Tyrose......................................................................................................... 526
Ublarg......................................................................................................... 526
Ubrith......................................................................................................... 526
Fan Art ....................................................................................................... 527
Ubrith: The Untold Adventures............................................................ 527
Timeline............................................................................................ 528
Ubziz Forelock ......................................................................................... 528
Underpants of the Underdeep............................................................... 528
ELotH:TES Canon ............................................................................. 529
Unlight ....................................................................................................... 529
References ................................................................................................. 530
The Unlight War ...................................................................................... 530
Introduction.............................................................................................. 530
Timeline Events ....................................................................................... 531
Notes ....................................................................................................... 534
Unresolved Threads ................................................................................ 534
Book 7 ................................................................................................... 534
The Disappearance of the Holy Hoagie ..................................... 534
Book 10 ................................................................................................. 535
The Recliner of Botany and Guddboy Lad................................ 535
Book 11 ................................................................................................. 535
The Fate of The Eight Elemental Contstructs.......................... 535
Ubrith, Jarvelos and Spiral Doom ............................................... 536
Valedaleglenhill......................................................................................... 536
Vampyre Pyre of Puppy Meat ............................................................... 537
Vampyres................................................................................................... 537
Vampyric Wars ......................................................................................... 538
Excerpt from The Vampyric Wars Begin ............................................ 540
Excerpt from Peter and the Vampyre................................................... 541
Vhadxi ........................................................................................................ 542
Lord Vhadxi’s Personal Timeline ..................................................... 543
Vile Worm................................................................................................. 544
Wang Mountains ...................................................................................... 545
The War Men............................................................................................ 546
(Shokurung: Shokurung’onk)............................................................... 546
Culture................................................................................................... 547
Warrior Chefs of Battal........................................................................... 548
Journeys of Alton Longsword........................................................... 548
Gathering of the Chefs - The Bronze Age ..................................... 549
The Night of Broken Pots ................................................................. 549
22
Founding of Teflonicus – The Cast Iron Age ................................550
Rise of the Council – The Teflon Age .............................................550
Feeding the Fires of War ....................................................................550
Head Chefs............................................................................................551
Wasted Elemenstor ..................................................................................551
Wasted Elemenstors.................................................................................552
Water...........................................................................................................552
Weighty Tome of Elemenstor................................................................553
Wenches .....................................................................................................554
What the Quilp?...........................................................................................554
White Water...............................................................................................555
Windfield Plains ........................................................................................557
Wizbits Elemenstor Battle (CCG) .........................................................557
Card Rarity .................................................................................................570
Xoxor Xxar ................................................................................................571
Notes ......................................................................................................572
Yalka ...........................................................................................................572
Yar the Sorcerial........................................................................................573
Yellow Troll ...............................................................................................575
Yoxor Xxar ................................................................................................576
Gear:.......................................................................................................576
Zenethir Foulblade ...................................................................................576
Zonard ........................................................................................................577
Zuumont ....................................................................................................578
The Formerly Harmless Elemenstor ...........................................578
Zynthar Chinaskhi ....................................................................................579
23
Welcome to the epic world of
Epic Legends of the Hierarchs!
This world began as a CCG that focused more on reinventing the
rules of the CCG than on creating a new world. In this regard, the
CCG was a moderate success, failing to capture a significant fan base.
The game has continued to be printed to this day, with continually
diminishing returns. More than the game play, the cards themselves
interested the few fans of the game, particularly the lore printed on
the bottom of each card. The lore itself was very unspecific. Instead
of listing great feats accomplished , it listed mundane things like
Harbinger Portent’s favorite food (cheese) and Char Reyarteb’s hobbies
(water polo, shuffleboard). But the fans were intrigued. Why would
such a powerful Elemenstor enjoy cheese? Was Reyarteb any good at
water polo? Soon, short stories began to be published in anthologies,
detailing the beginnings of the world of Battal and its epic history,
from the Magic Sword Kings to the Resundering. By the time the
table-top RPG came out (set during The Savage Brutality Of The War
Men), a well-developed world had come together. The fan base grew.
Due to the huge profits from the sale of the ELotH Limited Edition
Busts, a series of novellas were commissioned. Written by Tycho
Brahe, these novellas would elevate the Epic Legends to epic levels
of revenue.
Shortly after the first book was published, “The Wizbits” began its
first-season run. Eventually, the series was cancelled and Brahe
finished his Elemenstor Cycle, but the world of the Hierarchs is not
dead. Many new authors have taken up the pen to try and add depth
to the world that Brahe and others have barely begun to outline. With
an MMO in its early stages of Alpha, one cannot help but think that
ELotH has nowhere to go but UP.
This wiki was created to help bring together the massive amounts of
ELotH lore found across its many disparate sources. This n00b
section is intended to help those new to the world learn about its epic
history and the characters that shaped it. Enjoy.
History
24
In the beginning, the planes were unshaped, and the Hierarchs ruled
over all. Out of the infinite power and chaos that twisted through the
Elmether, the Hierarchs forged the Starborn Gem and The Four Vales.
The Four Vales were the earliest version of what we would even
remotely recognize as the existence of a physical world and the
Starborn Gem, or Oculus Omnipotens, was the repository of all
possible knowledge in the world, including the knowledge of
Elemenstation. Then the Darkstorm occurred and the vales were
interwoven and conjoined, with the resulting mess being scattered
across the newly forming time and space. The Hierarchs remained in
their timeless existence among the Elmether in the higher planes of
existence, while Battal was formed from some of the lower planes.
Some of the Hierarchs took pity on the barren and ruined world of
Battal and set out to fill it with life. They did this, creating first
furniture, then man to be the servants of the furniture. This relationship did not work out quite as they intended.
Early society was disorganized and fraught with war. After thousands
of years, King Ronard found the powerful element called Rubian and
from it forged the first rubian sword (see Ronard’s Rather Small And
Weak But Nevertheless Enchanted Sword). Although magic swords were
quite common, Ronard thought that this new magic stone made him
more special then anyone else with a magic sword. With the use of
his tiny magic sword, along with the liberal application of his Very
Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer, Ronard united the Twelve Realms.
(It is disputed whether Ronard himself discovered Rubian, or whether
this is in fact revisionist history caused by the business end of a very
large and spikey, though unenchanted, hammer.)
Control of Battal passed to Ronard’s son, Ronard the Shorter. He
proved unready for the responsibility and the kingdom collapsed into
lawlessness after being torn apart by the Vampyric Wars. This period
of lawlessness was known as the wandering age.
When order was regained, the descendents of Ronard ruled Battal for
many years, each in turn carrying the magic sword that named him
the magic sword king. This continued for 9,500 years, until The
Longest Moment during which Fonard, heir of Ronard, lost Ronard’s Very
Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer, The Magic Sword Kingdom
crumbled and the Spica Wars began. Eventually Zonard, last of King
Ronard’s line, met Yar the Sorcerial in battle. The epic struggle consumed both of them, and the arcane energies it created split the
25
world of Battal into three epic lands, The Shield, The Sickle, and the
ever-so-epic Cataclysmic Bluont. This was The Sundering. The period
directly following the Sundering—that is, The Sundered Era—is
described in the Tides of Epic Conflict Saga.
5,000 years after the Sundering, a Harbinger named Portent discovered
the Starborn Gem, cast onto the Cataclysmic Bluont in the form of a
comet. The Gem granted him knowledge of Elemenstation, and
Portent set out to unite the world once more. To aid him in his great
labor, he took on a student, the young and ambitious Char Reyarteb.
Over time, he took on many more students, and the knowledge of
Elemenstation spread. Through his efforts, Portent was able to
reunite the sundered world, but in the midst of the Unsundering, he
was struck down by Char Reyarteb, who revealed himself as a traitor.
This left the world still partially sundered, and the Cataclysmic Bluont
did not join with the Shield and Sickle. The Willestrians of the Bluont
felt slighted.
What followed was the Century of Fire, when Reyarteb used the
Starborn Gem to call forth the War Men, who ravaged the newly
reformed world and placed Reyarteb on a dark throne. Reyarteb
founded the dark science of Dark Elemenstation, a perversion of
High Elemenstation, and used its power to cement his rule.
During the rule of Reyarteb, Lord Kinlo came to power. He gained
knowledge of the Four Underdogs through a Rogue Chronosorcellor,
and set out to destroy them because he was crazy like that. Little did
he realize that the Underdogs would not be born for a millennium,
and so he only succeeded in nearly wiping out the Elemenstors. Kinlo
died with his goals unfulfilled.
Even those who are relatively unfamiliar with the Epic Legends know
about the Four Underdogs through the syndicated Saturday morning
cartoon series, “the Wizbits.” These 4 teens each discover a unique
rubian gem, and through them gain knowledge of High Elemenstation. After many adventures, particularly a nasty encounter with the
demon-ghost MooMaa, the Underdogs defeat Reyarteb and reestablish Elemenstation. In the lazy years that follow, some Elemenstors
abandon their noble callings to become Wasted Elemenstors.
This brings us to the most epic part of the story, specifically the one
told by Tycho Brahe in his bestselling Elemenstor Cycle of novellas.
This cycle tells of the many struggles that arose from the reemer26
gence of High Elemenstation in a world that was largely unprepared for
it. The burgeoning art of Elemenstation attracted all the wrong types of
people to this most arcane of arts: the lazy and ignorant, along with
the corrupt and evil. Young Elemenstors struggled to find the true
path towards High Elemenstation while resisting the temptations of
Dark Elemenstation. Few indeed found the true way, for once the dark
path of Dark Elemenstation was overcome, the even darker temptations of ale and wenches remained to tempt the chosen few. Eventually,
the blossoming of magiks drew forth the shade of Char Reyarteb,
who was not dead, merely resting his eyes. The resulting Hierarch
Wars put all of Battal, indeed, all of space and time, at dire risk. Epic!
After this most epic of battles, peace reigned for 2,000 years until
Archibald Almalastor began his study of Portent’s bond of Unsundering. Working with the Willestrians, Almastor attempted to bring the
Cataclysmic Bluont back into the fold of the Shield and Sickle. This
mighty work, a work so mighty it could only have been completed by
the mightiest of Elemenstors, would have completed the True
Unsundering. In the middle of his Elemenstation, he was tragically
attacked and killed by a band of renegade War Men, led by the
mysterious Dark Master. The fate of the world hung in the balance,
and only the timely intervention of the Willestrians could have saved
the world from remaining forever Sundered. However, the Willestrians had a really important dinner to make, so they decided they’d
rather not help out, leaving the field of battle in the hands of the War
Men. The Shield and Sickle broke apart once again. This was The
Resundering.
After this came the Unlight War, another time of great war which sees
the resurgence of the Vampyres. Further works have connected the
rarer and more worthless cards from the original CCG, these stories
tell of the good Princess Crystalcrown and her betrayal at Mount Wor by
Elanfariestel the Easily Convinced, and assembled a story near the end of
known time. Some fanfics have attempted to take the story past the
known timeline, but the picture they paint is incomplete at best.
Timesorc’ley
Another matter that does not fit directly into the timeline is the
matter of timesorc’ley, Elemenstation that manipulates the very fabric
of Timenes itself. It is known that High Elemenstation has some indirect
effect on Timenes, but Chronosorcelry deals directly with it. The High
27
Augur is the main authority on all of timeness because his staff lets
him see all things at all times. Also to be reckoned with are the
Chronoclave, formed to maintain the integrity of timeness. The
Chronoclave exists outside of time in the Spaghetti Plane, from whence
they can see all disruptions in timeness. The tales of the Chronoclave
and its many exploits based out of their great hall on the western
edge of the Spaghetti Plane, make up the series of ELotH fan fics
called “Spaghetti Westerns.”
Wiki
For those of you unfamiliar with wikis pay a visit to the SandBox. Try
editing it, messing around with it or what have you, that’s what it’s
there for. Read the WikiStyle page for help with basic text formatting.
That about wraps it up. Some of the above information is necessarily
incomplete, although hopefully not blatantly incorrect. Digging
through the primary sources isn’t easy work - do you have any idea
how long it takes to read every single damn playing card? At any rate,
feel free to add as you see fit. Just make sure to not let this section
get too verbose. After all, this is intended to familiarize new readers,
not confuse them. If a point needs clarifying, do so. But if you want
to add details, just link the appropriate page. Thanks!
By the way, for those of you who have read this far, the wiki
password is: elemenstorsaywha
The Elemenstor Cycle
An index of the thirteen books of Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Saga
novella cycle, with a plot summary and links to each book’s own
page. These tales are the core canon tales of the Elemenstors and the
land of Battal, and the touchstone for most other works related to the
saga.
See the Availability page for information on hardback and paper back
availability of each title.
28
Also, check out the Excerpts from the cycle that are recounted here.
There is an Elemenstor Cycle specific timeline which attempts to
breakdown the core periods covered by the books. Since the books
often jump around in time and include many digressions which take
place in drastically different periods, only the major linear events are
included.
Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice (Colloquially, A New
Franchise)
• Book 2: Dawn of the Dark Shadows (Colloquially, The
Elemenstors Strike Back)
• Book 3: The Rubion Sword (Colloquially, Return of the
Cycle)
• Book 4: Curse of the Doombane
• Book 5: The Underpants of the Underdeep
• Book 6: Nightstand’s Peril
• Book 7: The Trial at Elddim’s Peak (Colloquially, Three
Foolish Children)
• Book 8: The Archmagi of Eldersbane
• Book 9: Rise of the Rhjajyept
• Book 10: The Hierarch Wars Begin (Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. I)
• Book 11: The Hierarch Wars Continue (Colloquially,
Elemenstors Gone Wild, Vol. II)
• Book 12: End of the Hierarch Wars (Colloquially, Elemenstors: Spring Break ‘2,167) *
• Book 13: Glaivemistress(es) of Arvalyyon (Colloquially,
Was He Drunk Or What?)
Rumored:
•
•
Book 14: The Fourteenth Manuscript
Also of note is Book 13 and a Half: The Eternal Timesorc’ley of
Middlemoon (Colloquially, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Canon!), which many
believe to be written by Tycho Brahe, but is not generally accepted as
canonical.
•
We’re trying to be somewhat authoritative about this. While the
penultimate three books of the cycle do indeed bring the epic
29
narrative to a climax with the war of the hierarchs, the nicknames adopted for these episodes by some of the ELotH:TES
fan community should not actually replace the real titles so carefully chosen by Mr. Brahe.
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 1:
The Fires of Mount Windice
A flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminating the
grizzled Elemenstor and his ambulatory dresser.
First released in the United States on November 12, 1996 by
Realmworlds Publishing. ISBN 0-133699-016-X.
First edition book cover:
Dust Jacket Notes
30
Book One of Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Saga is centered around a
young Tribbit named Horatio and the events that lead him into the icy
doom of fire that is Mount Windice.
Horatio of the Luskfish bloodline of Tribbits is the son of Julio and
Arch-son of Hermes (The Obtuse). As Horatio’s tale begins, Brahe
paints a deep and vibrant portrait of the simple life of a Tribbit. The
reader is flooded with rich imagery of The Dank, a peaceful swamp
inhabited by the Luskfish clan of Tribbits, among many. Horatio and
his brood work The Dank as Mucksuckers, making their living by
scraping gelatinous matter from the backs of the Dooblegnards, the
largest of The Dank’s many unique inhabitants.
But Horatio’s destiny is not to grow old as a Mucksucker. His fate
suffers an odd twist one afternoon while scraping the back of Duke
Alfamarma, one of his least favorite Dooblegnards. As Horatio
reached under the Duke’s posterior Wargnle Plate to removed the
muck, a mysterious and ill-tempered orange Pixlie named Bibee darted
out, now freed from her Dooblegnard prison!
Over the next few years, the malicious Bibee filled the young and
impressionable Horatio’s head with cruel lies and mis-information,
slowly corrupting him into her subservient drone. Robbed by the
Pixlie of his capacity for conscience and reason, Horatio becomes a
tool for Bibee’s devious intent. She has set into motion a plan
concocted in her twisted mind all the many years she lie in muck
beneath the Dooblegnard’s plate: to steal the Mosaic Platter of Ronard!
Follow the mis-adventures of Horatio and his dark companion as
they make their way to the icy Fires of Mount Windice for a colossal
conflict of good versus evil! Who is the mysterious Bibee and how
did she arrive under the Wargnle Plate of Duke Alfamarma? What
manner of Pixlie deceit could corrupt the mind of a young Tribbit?
How can a simple Mucksucker survive the peril of Mount Windice
and plunder the Mosaic Platter of Ronard? Find out in the first
installment of Tycho Brahe’s EPIC novella series: The Fires of
Mount Windice!
Note: Copies of this book printed after the publication of Book 13
differ greatly from previous printings. These changes are apparently
31
to reconcile the beginning of the story with the end, and to correct
some continuity errors that crept in during the cycle.
Jacket quotes
”I have seen the future of fantasy, and his name is The Elemenstor Saga”—Clive
Barker
”After reading this (book), I see that (my) life has been wasted.”—Robert Jordan
”This book filled me with a deep admiration for the author’s audacity to spring
this upon an unsuspecting public.”—David Eddings
”Dear Mr Brahe, I’m not going to give you a jacket quote. Please cease all
correspondence immediately.”—David Gemell
”You’ve clearly put as much effort into this as I did into The Phantom
Menace.”—George Lucas
”A thirteen book epic fantasy, huh? Think that makes you a big man? Think
that makes you better than me? Huh? HUH?!?”—Stephen King
”My God, it’s full of -hrrrrkkarrrgh”—Arthur C. Clarke
”It’s a bunch of bloody rubbish.”—Neil Gaiman
Notes
This book begins with Horatio telling the story of Harbinger Portent to a
group of youngling Tribbits. From there the action takes off when
Horatio discovers Bibee, and meets a grizzled Harbinger named Omen.
At the same time, the book follows a dual narrative of Harbinger
Portent, and his early experiences with the Starborn Gem.
As the book reaches its climax, Horatio has reached the summit of
Mount Windice, just as Harbinger Portent had when he had his epic
conflict with Char Reyarteb at the critical moment of the Unsundering.
Plot elements explained
32
Please note that there will be some spoilers following in this section,
unavoidable given the in-depth discussion of elements of the
storyline of Book 1.
There is much discussion of the discrepancy between the end of Part
1 of Book 1, where Horatio causes the destruction of Thithithmihos
under Bibee’s control, and the beginning of Book 2, where he returns
home free of Bibee’s influence as if nothing had ever happened.
While this apparent incompatibility lends credence to the theory that
Books 1 and 2 may have, in fact, been written by different authors,
with no sense of canon between the two novels, it is important to
note the following extract:
Horatio’s mind swirled with unfathomable confusions,
rending thoughts into mere fractions of cognition that
jumbled together into nothingness as Bibee’s machinations confounded his senses. Nothing seemed real any
longer; all that remained was Bibee’s mellifluous voice
consuming his every decision.
”Go!” she cried, her high-pitched Pixlie voice
intoxicating the enraptured Tribbit further. “Now is
the time! Seek the Platter!”.
Lightning seemed to crash thunderously around
Horatio as his feet moved of their own accord,
splashing rambunctiously through the murky depths of
Thithithmihos. All seemed as a dream to him, and
time passed like an egg upon the waves of an ocean;
slowly, inexorably, uncomprehendably, the red haze of
Bibee’s rage enfolded him and he lost all sense of self
as horrendous destruction followed in his wake. When
next Horatio regained his mind, there was nothing of
Thithithmihos left save a small stone in his ear from
the foundations of his house as he tore it to the
ground, and the scent of icy burning in his nostrils;
there was no turning back any longer.
It seems as though Brahe’s writing is deliberately ambiguous; it is
never out rightly stated in the books (even in the revised edition)
33
whether Thithithmihos was actually destroyed, and Horatio himself is
obviously bewitched and unable to tell for himself anyway. Bibee
leaves him to draw his own conclusions from what evidence remains,
and I believe Brahe may have intended something similar given that
there was no indication that the novel series would necessarily be
popular enough to entail a sequel.
One also wonders what the fate of the Mosaic Platter of Ronard is after
Horatio peddles the platter for 20 Curld at the Coach Station for
enough Coach fare to get back to The Dank. It is supposed by many
that the stranger who purchases the platter is none other than the
Dark Master, although the exact series of events that moved it from
this transaction into his sinister possession is unclear.
See also: Parable of the Swimming Rabbit
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 2:
Dawn of the Dark Shadows
Dust Jacket Notes
Horatio the Tribbit (son of Julio son of Hermes) returns to his home
village of Thithithmihos, only to realize that, while searching for some
proof that he’d even been outside his house this whole time, he’d left
the Omni Scarf Malatox sitting on the table at the home of Zenethir
Foulblade. Oops!
Horatio, pretending he’d never even heard of the Omni Scarf, stays
at home. Too bad he didn’t have a sidekick to courageously goad him
into questing for peace once again!
Meanwhile, now that Zenethir has a warm neck, he is able leave his
prison cabin at the top of Mount Windice and is free to wreak havoc
upon the countryside. The order of Elemenstors is decimated and all
hope seems lost. The fires/ice of Mount Windice are cooling/melting
(respectively)... what light will arise to vanquish the darkness???
34
Summary
All of South Battal is under the thumb of the evil Zenethir. In Battal,
when a despot comes to power, there is always a hero that rises up
from the masses and tested in the fires of desperate times, proves to
be equal to the task at hand, a hero to rise up to cast off the yoke of
oppression and slay the mighty oppressor. In Book 2 it is a war
refugee named Heeroh Troughberry, who is reluctantly swept down this
path by his ebullient 11 year old daughter Orphenna Troughberry, in
whose eyes her father is truly invincible.
Heeroh unfortunately bares the same name as an amateur Gladiatingor
of some note also named Heeroh Troughberry. This causes several
confusing and alternating humorous and tragic mix-ups throughout
the book.
Heeroh Troughberry is the bearer of the Dark Doomblade of Magical
Overarching Darkness, which he received in an anonymous valentine.
A full third of the book takes place outside of Battal as Father,
daughter, and the twins travel through the mystical dimension of the
FaeriWraithe Lands, which they reach through magical means. Much
of the beginning of the book is interspersed with accounts of the trial
of Lextor the Vextor and the implications it had on Item Law 323.
The Troughberry’s meet up with a pair of twin Fire Elemenstors named
Oryand and Greg, whose flashy powers and bravado hide a deep rooted
self doubt they both harbor as to their individual worth. It’s ultimately Orphenna who shows them each that they have a value as
individuals, in a heart warming speech given to the brothers while
hiding between some craggy rocks, while a vicious Yellow Troll
searched for them in the plains beyond.
Spoilers
Ultimately the party return to Battal and reach the fortress cabin (old
habits die hard) of Zenethir Foulblade. In the ensuing battle Heeroh is
woefully outmatched and the twins are incapacitated by a cleverly laid
trap, so Orphenna takes up her fathers blade, and drenched in an icy
magical darkness casts about blindly and lands a lucky blow which
fells evil Zenethir on the spot.
35
Excerpts
Here a mysterious figure generally accepted to be Grimfleur is
checking into a room at the Pig’s Featherbag.
The innkeeper pushed the heavy leather registry book
across the counter and said, “Sign yer name if ye kin it,
just put yer mark if yer kain’t. Quill and inkwell on the
bar here nexter ye.”
The dark figure extended a single warted hand from
beneath his black canvas riding robe and took the
Quill. With slow and deliberate movements he
scratched a few words across the next free entry in the
ledger. The innkeeper felt an icy chill run down his
back and looked over to see if one of the wenches had
left ajar the window at the end of the bar. It was
closed.
When he looked back, the mysterious man had melted
back into the crowd of patrons milling about near the
stage, waiting for this evening’s entertainment to
begin. He looked down and next to the book were the
two gleaming copper coins for this evening’s lodgings.
He pulled the book over to his side of the counter and
glanced down at the fresh name drying on the page.
”Antagonist Majore”
Funny, he hadn’t remembered that the ink in the well
was red. He leaned in closer, perhaps it had been a
trick of the light. No, it wasn’t red, the ink on the
page, now dry, was in fact dull brown.
Later in this same scene the mysterious cloaked figure is described as
heckling the act on stage.
There is also an excerpt from this book of the story Mort and the Earl
of the Pirates.
36
Trivia
•
•
It is in Chapter 3 that Heeroh tells Orphenna the tale of
Dreemkast.
Oryand and Greg made an earlier appearance in the largely
unread A Night at The Rusty Spear.
Fan Reactions
Considered widely to be the second in the canonical trilogy written
by Tycho Brahe himself, Dark Shadows is known by some as The
Elemenstor Strikes Back. It is hailed by the most hardcore fans as clearly
the farthest superior of the trilogy, while passing ELotH:TES fans
prefer the marketable addition of the supremely-cute and sentient
race of tablecloths, the Ublarg. The affection of hardcore fans is a
result of the book’s initial publication in parts as an appendix to Book
3. The move inspired a mass of fan fiction that combined the text
provided in the appendix with their own interpolated text.
Further, this book was the probable introduction of antagonist majore
Grimfleur, though he is not referred to by name until Book 3. The
foreshadowing involved in the reference to Grimfleur simply as
antagonist majore, even in the completed version of Book 2, is considered by advocates of the Single Author Theory to be one of Brahe’s
more clever meta-commentaries on the series. The formal manipulations of the function of foreshadowing itself foreshadows the
centrality of timesorc’ley and contradiction in the later volumes,
opening up an infinite regress that is both immanent to the story line
and a characteristic of the material “thingness” of the books
themselves.
Hardcore fans cried both bitter and sweet at the resurgence of the
Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness, one of the 100 Swords
of Sepathok. The fact that this was the blade that did in Zenethir
Foulblade (hence the name) was seen by some as a way to tie in several
loose threads of the world’s history. Others considered it a very
convenient way to end a book that stymied Tycho Brahe’s creativity for
eight years.
37
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 3:
The Rubion Sword
Dust Jacket Notes
The threat of Zenethir Foulblade has passed, and for generations the
realms of Northern Battal exist in a state of relative calm. But in the
shadows of Old Karpithon, an ancient evil awakes… the Xoxor Xxar.
Freed from its timeless prison by the bumbling Elemenstor Bendloyer
Felkin, the Xoxor will stop at nothing to gain the powers of the four
elements for itself. Only one weapon is said to have the power to
defeat the fearsome Xoxor and its unstoppable army of Evilnors: the
Blade of Zonard. Fashioned of purest Rubian for Zonard the Sunderer,
last of the Magic Sword Kings, the blade has been lost to history. With
the world seemingly bereft of hope, a new hero must arise. And so
the apprentice Fire Elemenstor Gavment Rayling sets out with a small
band of friends to quest for the legendary Rubion Sword, and young
Gavment’s own Real Ultimate Destiny…
Book Highlights
•
•
•
38
Gavment stumbles upon a village of Ublarg, and befriends a
young tablecloth named Gulrab.
The Magistrate Prophet Neighsayer Arcadus makes his famous appearance at Finkfru.
Staffmaestro Rodney instructs Gavment in art of Battlestaff posing, with particular emphasis on Pose Ke. Rodney goes on at
great length about the outrageous assertion in the fictional
world of SET:HToLE that Battlestaff posing is not a true
martial art and is rather affected purely for the purpose of
looking good on fantasy novel dust jackets. This is the first
time SET:HToLE is mention the series.
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
The both nefarious and ambulatory half-brothers, Comfortable-Looking Sofa and Too Soft Mattress plague Gavment and
party throughout.
Grimfleur appears to Gavment with misleading promises at a
critical moment.
The Satchel makes its appearance right before the party
reaches the village of Dwarfsdown, where they discover that
all the structures have been burned to the ground in brutal
Evilnor raid.
An unnamed bard later revealed to be Bendloyer Felkin
him/herself, in an unnamed tavern, first recounts the poem
of The Bravery of the Doomed, which appears only in Book 3 in
its entirety, but is quoted at least in fragments throughout
the rest of the cycle.
This is the book which details the rules of Agash, as it is
played between two drunkards in the aforementioned unnamed tavern.
Taking time out from pillaging and burning, the evil minions of Xoxor take time out to have an afternoon picnic in a
sunny meadow near the Dread Caverns of Lo’os. It is here that
an eggplant of an otherworldly shade of purple is described,
foreshadowing the rise of the Dyemon-Ghost MooMaa.
An intriguing sub-plot involving a rebellious turkey takes place
in the Crestplains. In one of the author’s trademark plottwists, this storyline is abruptly terminated in the epic AntiClimax of Northeastern Crestplains.
At first thought to be written from a third person perspective, it is eventually revealed that the entire book is written
from the first person perspective of Anonymous Third Person
Observer.
First appearance of Raunch Iron, a grumbly old man who was
a Clerical Healer. Somewhat “Bloody Minded” to humorous
effect.
Tyrose is the first documented victim of a Whatsinyeeargh, a
variation of the magic puzzlebox
Reviews
•
Review of ‘The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 3: The Rubion
Sword’ by Charlton C. Mayze
39
Excerpts
From Chapter XIV,
Gavment Rayling considered what the dirty-faced man
was offering him. He could not deny the wealth that
he had just been shown, but still doubts raged within
his fierce mentality. He returned, “But why would you
be willing to part with such miraculous treasure?
Surely it is better for you to keep it to yourself, but you
claim to have not only brought it with you, but left it
where you found it, and now point another man to its
secret place of repose.”
Grimfleur flourished his hands wildly as he explained,
“It generates an infinite amount of wealth! By its very
nature, more than one man can ever need! I already
have 3,895,074 rubies for myself, enough to satisfy me
the rest of my life. All you need is to go and claim it.”
As he waved his arms about, Gavment probably
thought for a moment he could see a greenish glint
from within the cloak whipping about, but dismissed
the notion.
Gavment considered the proposition even further,
desperate now for a reason to mistrust this strangely
clad man. It was said that to leave the Shortcut was
deepest doom, but he had seen this stranger leap up
from its gutters with no difficulty. Clearly the warning
was no more than uncertain myth. His face scrunching
with resistance, he accomplished at last, “But if you
have an infinite amount of wealth... why are you
dressed like that?”
Commentary
40
“The Rubion Sword is the single greatest work of fiction it
is possible to produce in the modern English language. Why
people continue to write new books when the race is already fucking over, people is beyond my ability to
comprehend.”
—Chris Doucette, on Hard Copy
“An unforgettable read (...) The Rubion Sword stays with
you forever.” - Charlton C. Mayze
The Rubion Sword was actually released before Book 2, with extensive
footnotes and appendices that contained explanations of the relevant
parts of the second volume. The full version of Book 2 would not be
published until 2004. The daring publishing move attracted attention
to the series, including a noted review by Harold Bloom.
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 4:
Curse of the Doombane
Dust Jacket Notes
Many years have passed since the events of The Rubion Sword and
Gavment Rayling is now a middle aged man. Having become a wealthy
man from the lecture circuit, he has little to do with his time except
drink, sleep and blow things up.
However the world is once again in danger. The evil Evilnors are not
as defeated as once thought and Yoxor Xxar, son of the slain Xoxor
Xxar, has found the mythical Doomblade. Yoxar marches forth in
another effort to destroy the Elemenstors.
It’s up to Gavment and his precocious niece Steppy to save the world.
If only Steppy can get Gavment out of the Tavern.
41
Notes
The Curse of the Doombane is often thought of by fans as the
least loved book of the main series.
This book received dismal reviews from critics as the first half of the
book is largely devoted to Gavment playing drinking games in the Nikbix
Nushka Tavern while Steppy, with her Furniliar Colonel McAllister,
attempts to rekindle his fighting spirit. Eventually however she does
succeed by reminding him of his dear lost friend, Dthr’nex of
Dwarfsdown, who was slain by Xoxar in The Rubion Sword.
The latter portion of the book however more than makes up for the
first half. Splitting off into two running stories after an adult scene
with Sotar Olderndirt, the tale leads Steppy and Gavment through
many wondrous locales, introducing the race of two headed weasel
men (and women) known as the Ssskssenek and their magical
sandstone kingdom of Ssskssenekland, while Sotar and his furniliar Bom
race to the Wang Mountains to stop a critical piece of Yoxar’s plot.
The book climaxes with an epic duel between Yoxar and Gavment
atop the Mount Which-Cannot-Move-But-Does, while Sotar stands
against the forces of Kapybara the Dark Elemenstrix and a reborn
legion of War Men atop Wang’s Peak.
In the final chapter, brief mention is made of an ill-fated misadventure of the Four Underdogs (referred to by name, but not this appellation,) as they challenge but fail to defeat Char Reyarteb. This has led to
much confusion because the actual confrontation in which they
defeat Char Reyarteb and MooMaa is chronicled in the mini-serial
Elemenstor Radio Dramas.
Copies of this book can still be found for somewhat inflated prices at
most used book retailers and are a must have for most ELotH:TES
fans.
Excerpts
The following excerpts are from the controversial final chapter of the
book, quoted from the 2001 paperback omnibus. The narrator is
42
Gavment, who is telling Steppy the story of the Four Underdogs and their
battle with Char Reyarteb.
“It seemed the Four would be victorious. Phoenixsong
pummeled Reyarteb, opening the ground beneath him
and crushing his bones with the dirt - but in an instant,
the mage healed. Fantasmaphila lifted Reyarteb into
the skies and caught him in a whirlwind, tearing his
earthly form to shreds - but in an instant, the mage reformed his body. Blunder sent waves of fire at
Reyarteb, searing his flesh until he was reduced to a
pile of ashes on the ground - but in an instant, the
mage rose from the ashes. Breakwind swamped
Reyarteb with rain, making his magik hair wet and
unruly - but in an instant, the mage shook his head and
his hair was dry.”
The battle continues for several hours, as the Underdogs continue to
attack but cannot weaken Char Reyarteb.
“Indeed, it was they that weakened, tiring from
continually deploying their power, and at last Char
Reyarteb had an opportunity to strike. He summoned
demons of Earth, huge creatures that could strike
blows with fists harder than diamond. He summoned
demons of Air, terrible beings that could travel faster
than the eye could see. He summoned demons of Fire,
abominable monsters that could make their touch
hotter than the sun. And he summoned demons of
Water, nasty imps that could talk to fish.”
The Underdogs are driven back and badly beaten while Char
Reyarteb prepares for a final attack.
“Finally, a pitch black beam of darkness exploded out
of Reyarteb’s mouth. Even as it first emerged, the
Four could feel a bone-chilling coldness permeate the
air. This was the coldness of death - the freezing, fatal
43
coldness of death; the wintry, mortal, icy, terminal,
frostbitten, life-ending coldness of death. And the
Four knew that they had failed; that Char Reyarteb
would rule over the world, until the day came, very
soon, that he destroyed all goodness, all love and all
life.”
When Steppy points out that the world in fact has not been destroyed, Gavment says that the Underdogs survived and beat Char
Reyarteb later. When Steppy asks how this happened, Gavment tells
her to “go buy a talking disc and find out for yourself” (a product
placement for the CD version of the Elemenstor Radio Dramas.)
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 5:
The Underpants of the Underdeep
Dust Jacket Notes
This hilarious and rollicking adventure takes the wildly popular
Elemenstor world and turns it right on its head! Felthar the Moderately Handsome is just another student at the Institute Of Accoutermentia in Ezermethalon. When a rogue Elemenstor starts searching for the
legendary Underpants of the Underdeep, Felthar gets caught right in the
middle! He’ll have to team up with a wise-cracking cupboard named
Cubby and a cute undergrad named Serafina Haberdasheron just to
survive! It’s laughter, emotions, and so much more from the beloved
creator of the Elemenstor Saga, Tycho Brahe.
Fan Reactions
44
To say that fan reaction to this book was tepid at best is a gross
overstatement. Longtime fans reacted harshly and damned the book
for cheapening what had been a serious tale about the epic history of
furniture wizards. It is then surprising that this book is the only one
of the series to even approach the bestseller list. Longtime fans agree
that anyone who has not read the books before the publishing of
Underpants should not be considered a true fan of the series.
Book 6: Nightstand’s Peril is a follow-up to this book that takes
place 10 years after the events of Underpants.
New Characters
Felthar the Moderately Handsome
Cubby
Serafina Haberdasheron
Gorg Stinkrot
Borold Gravelsnot III, Revered Keeper
of the Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid
Dorc the Incontinent, King of Ezermethalon
Professor Bertus Tanklebing
Headmaster Scrooble
The Fanged Vole-Guard
45
Air Elemenstor Qaxrad of Syzz
Queen-Princess Xanzandrinzel (briefly)
Recurring Characters
Dogus Brankorking, now the ripe old
age of 86. After the events of this book
he leaves the order of Fire Elemenstation and becomes one of the Wasted
Elemenstors.
Notes
The humorous and strange Floapy’s Powerful Forcefield Ring of Invisibility
incident takes place in this book.
The character Ickthorn the Unpopular was originally supposed to be in
this book, but was cut from the second draft.
Observations
It would appear that this book was written in quite a hurry. Whole
scenes have been lifted wholesale from earlier works by the author,
and everything from Chapters 16 to 19 appears to be a direct copy of
Chapters 4 to 9 from Book 2 with the word “Yellow” replaced by
“Cheese” wherever it appears, presumably in an effort to hide this
shameless self-plagiarism. The deposing of Dorc the incontinent, in
46
particular, appears rather hastily formed. Squidgy acted in a manner
entirely opposed to his later appearances, indicating little to no
research or forethought was put into his character and his relationship with Dorc.
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 6:
Nightstand’s Peril
Dust Jacket Notes
Any Elemenstor worth half their weight in Gem Flecks knows this
important rule: NEVER bring a Nightstand to life. But when Gorg
Stinkrot returns to break this sacred rule, the kingdom of Ezermethalon
is thrown to the brink of war! Ten years have passed since the events
of The Underpants of the Underdeep, and Felthar the Moderately Handsome, having grown some rugged and manly stubble, is now known
by his new moniker ‘The Darkly Mysterious’. Can Felthar and Cubby
(his motile cupboard) find a way to save the comely Serafina Haberdasheron from the grip of the Chair Brigade? Will Felthar catch this fatal
furnishing before chaos envelops Ezermethalon? Answers will be
questioned in the sixth episode of the critically read Elemenstor
Cycle.
Behind the Scenes
After the much derided Book 5, Tycho Brahe stated publicly that his
next book would be much darker in tone. Using characters from Book
5 he set out to tell a much darker story in the Elemenstor universe.
Set 10 years after Underpants, the story found a dejected and homeless
Felthar swept up again in the diabolical schemes of the evil Gorg
Stinkrot. Though dogged by critics for its rampant use of cliche and
excessive swearing, it has been praised by fans as a delightful return
to form. Fan reaction was especially warm to the unexpected return
47
of Borold Gravelsnot III, which was kept a secret right up until
publishing time.
Recurring Characters
Felthar the Moderately Handsome And Now Darkly
Mysterious
Cubby
Serafina Haberdasheron
Gorg Stinkrot
Borold Gravelsnot III, Revered Keeper of the Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid
Dogus Brankorking, Wasted Elemenstor and his
familiar, Turnum, the Smug Ape
Grimfleur, antagonist majore (minor villain last seen
in The Rubion Sword)
New Characters
Drongor the Unexpected, King of Ezermethalon,
Son of Dorc the Incontinent
Gimba, Lady of Terle
Doric, Knight of the Lady of Terle
Semmellhalt, Squire of the Knight of the Lady of
Terle
48
Abercrombie, Accidental Furniliar of the Squire of
the Knight of the Lady of Terle
Mycho Eharb, Itinerant Scribe of the Lady of Terle
and author of SET:HToLE
Grim Paperpush, Head Bureau-crat of the Ezermethalonian Department of Active Furnishings
Stoutback, Captain of the Chair Brigade
Straightleg, Seargant of the Chair Brigade
Persephalous, Lieutenant of the Chair Brigade,
Stoutback’s lackey.
Zynthar, Wasted Elemenstor (Only appears in rare
early draft)
Elspeth the Plainsrunner, Savannah Ranger and
guide
Related Literature
•
The Temptations of the Bix the End Table, and other tales contains
the lost chapters detailing the adventures of Simon the Severe,
Squidgy, Woodworm in the Accidental Furniliar of the Squire
of the Knight of the Lady of Terle and Rum Ol’ Phil, Imaginary Friend of the Woodworm in the Accidental Furniliar of
the Squire of the Knight of the Lady of Terle. The stories
were entertaining, but ultimately deemed by the Editor of
Book 6 to be far too “wacky” for the more mature tone. The
few passages relating to Alvin Williams, the Accountant of
the Imaginary Friend of the Woodworm in the Accidental
Furniliar of the Squire of the Knight of the Lady of Terle
have never been released commercially.
49
Excerpts from the book
“Now you will die!” cried the greasy-haired ruffian.
“Wielding one of the Hundred, I can conquer
anyone!”
”Ha!” Doric flicked her wrist, disarming the bandit.
“Sabembermoff had a hundred swords, each more
amazing than the last, but it looks as though you only
wield Arthak’s.”—Taken from Book 6, Nightstand’s
Peril
Felthar and Cubbard were out there somewhere; and
they were in danger. Even with the warm fire of the
hearth at his back and the cold, smooth ale sweating in
his hand, Dogus knew that Gorg Stinkrot was out
there as well.
”Stinkrot,” Dogus cursed to himself under his breath,
“Stinkrot and that damned nightstand.”
One of the bar maids seemed to have overheard this
muttering and stared at him with big, concerned
pupils.
”Worry not, child,” Dogus placated her, “These are
but the troubles of an old Elemenstor...long out of the
loop.”
She placed her hand on his shoulder and then smacked
another froth-spewing mug onto the table next to him,
leaving him to his thoughts. His thoughts remained
out the window, which framed a perfect Middleclang
night of trixillating stars over high-peaked mountain
ranges.
Somewhere out there, Dogus thought, Gorg was
causing trouble in Ezermethalon. “He’s causing
50
trouble and I’m not there to assist old Felthar,” Dogus
hissed.
Lifting his purple-furred head up, Teremus recovered
from his stupor long enough to gaze at his bearded
master.
”Back to your sweet-addled, temporary coma,”
Dorgus lured, “Back to the haze we have both
garnered for ourselves here in this drunken land.”
It had been many years since the Wasted Elemenstor
had lived a true tale of heroics, looting and adventure,
many a yearicle since he had engaged himself in some
journey of worth and excellence. Now, he sat in the
Pig’s Annoyance, oggling the lady-folk and entertaining the scarred patrons near the kegs with his tales of
High Elemenstoring and dark deeds unwrought.
Looking at the snowy caps of the mountains, Dogus
wondered if he shouldn’t leave it all, go back to a life
as a great Fire Elemenstor, forge new tales for himself,
and steal those of others. He could still return, he
mused, return and live off the new tales here in this
diminutive, hidden paradise of ale and skirt. Lately,
Dogus had found he was exhausting his well of stories
to impress and beguile the folk of Middleclang.
He had been improvising lately, and improvising
badly. Many a drunken night he had crafted a poorlyconceived tale and he was beginning to suspect the
townsfolk were now only humoring him and no longer
believed his recountings.
The Pig’s Annoyance was starting to let out. Few were
left to stagger on home, and fewer still remained to
buy Dogus drinks in exhange for Dogus’ many epic
recallings. Tonight the chubby waitress, her considerable girth and bossom barely held tight underneath her
white bar-maiden’s dress, was the only one left to
listen. Would he enthrall her with tales of battle and
mercy? Would he remain where he was, content to
51
tickle her ear with an Elemenstoring saga or two? Or
would he get up from this wooden stool, lay down his
basket of deep-fried Runtberries and rejoin the great
fight for the world of Battal?
Dogus Brankorking, former Fire Elemenstor of Battal,
awoke on a slobbered pillow, the smell of leaf smoke
and wet ape-hair in his nostrils. He turned to peer over
his shoulder. Plump and cute, flushed cheeks smiled
back at him contentedly. Her bar-maiden’s red bow
un-tied and lying limp on her beard-scratched
shoulder. In the background of her chubby form was
the ape, snoring smugly in what Dogus assumed were
probably arrogant, smug dreams.
”Tell me more of Elemenstoring, Dogus,” cooed the
soggy bar-maid, “Tell me more of the furniture and
the glory.”
Dogus turned over briefly to look out the window of
his room. The snow-splattered mountain range was lit
by an enduring sun now. Somewhere beyond them
was his old friend, in trouble, somewhere out there
new stories were still being lived...and TOLD.—Taken
from Book 6, Nightstand’s Peril
Also, at one point while drinking in the Pig’s Annoyance, Dogus
sings the bawdy ballad A High Elemenstor’s Elemenstave Has An Eldritch
And Even Sometimes Epic Knob On The End.
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 7:
The Trial at Elddim’s Peak
Dust Jacket Notes
52
Little did the denizens of the quiet village of Valedaleglenhill know that
their plans to dig a new well through the abandoned mines that
intersected a Dyemon burial ground would have dark and dangerous
consequences. With the Tentacled Ancient Beast Yamshothog awoken,
their only hope was to send three foolish children on a dangerous
journey to Elddim’s Peak through the dreaded Lands of Va, ruled by
the dark NightLairds, to beg the Elemenstors for help. What would the
Elemenstors ask in return? And would help arrive in time?
Three Foolish Children
The three foolish children selected for the perilous journey actually prove
to be quite clever and resourceful.
•
•
•
Isaac Purcheron, 15, the leader, with a gift for communicating
with animals.
Ark Riven, 13, his parents were both killed at the site of the
new well when Yamshothog emmerged.
Raven Darkblood, 10, of the race of Zonardian half-man interbred with white dragons. She is the youngest of the
group.
Misc Notes
Due to a printer’s error, this book was originally published as being
written by “John Aquaman”, with the title “How to Boil an Egg”. It
was widely reviled as an obvious, not-very-good Elemenstor
knockoff, until the error was corrected and it came out under its own
name. The original printing is considered a collector’s item, since
most of the run was burned by fans angry at the perceived ripoff.
It is also notable for the fairly short but achingly beautiful passage
featuring the Plain Plains Plane, memorable only for its precision of
language. This has driven some fans insane as they search for
significance in it. Most of the fan base insists that the pages simply
don’t exist, or are just what they appear to be.
This book was also the first sign of the author’s playful fascination
53
with the mechanics of language, involving an extended scene across
three chapters in the dungeons of the NightLairds’ sanctuary in which
the three children converse only in verbs lest they linguistically anger
their captors, as shown in the short extract below from the second of
these chapters, collectively termed the Action Sequence by some
corners of fandom:
“Fight?” whispered Ark feverishly, a madness growing
in his eyes.
”Negate! Negate!” Isaac was stern.
Raven, meanwhile, stared mournfully at the world.
“Die...” she hushedly whimpered, “End...”
Suddenly, Isaac leapt up, his brow a-shining with
invention. “Congratulate! Escape Plan!”
Ark was intrigued. “Plan?” he asked, the madness
draining as pus from a lanced boil.
”Plan,” agreed Raven.
”Trick? Lure, batter, disguise?” suggested Ark.
”Consider,” decided Raven.
”Write, defenestrate. Await?” put forward Ark
tentatively.
”Negate,” declared Raven.
Isaac’s eyes lit up as a plan formed. Isaac spoke one
blinding word.
”Weave!”
Chapter 8
Interestingly, Chapter 8 (parts I, II, and III) is actually an aside that
takes place during the Vampyric Wars which tells of the Vampyre
Lord Vhadxi’s crossing of Portund and invention of Ithbarg II.
Vhadxi shook the mud off his blackened cape and stomped
through the door of The Fancy Fisherman.
The Bartender, Sailor Steve, lifted a glass of ale in greetings.
”Yar, matey!” he cried. “Welcome to The Fancy Fisherman!
54
What can I do you for?”
The ghastly pallor of a man approached the bartender, and with
leering menace, placed his hands atop the counter. “I, Vhadxi,
Dark and Evil Vampyre Lord Supreme, ruler of Blackest
Minathok, require the use of a donkey.”
”A donkey, eh? I keep a cup of blood in the back, if you want
it.”
”Foolish mortal! I didn’t come here for a ‘cup o’ donkey!’ Find
me a steed to ride, posthaste, and you shall be handsomely
rewarded.”
”A donkey, eh? I suppose you could talk to Markuel of
Markuel over there, and he could fill you in a thing or two.”
”Over where?” And as Vhadxi turned to look, he slipped on
the floor, plummeted backward, and landed on the ground with
a prodigious thump.
”You okay, son? Sometimes we leave things on the floor.”
Vhadxi got up, and brushed himself off. His hair was mussed,
and—were it not for his excessive blinking—appeared
extremely agitated. “That man over there?”
”You’re pointing to a wall. I meant the man over there.”
”Right. Thanks ... mortal.” ~(Chapter 8 “Fireside Tales,
and Hilarity”)
The cadre of vampyres approaced cautiously, holding the freshly
slaughtered puppy meat out in front of them in plain sight.
Approaching in single file, they each laid their portion of puppy
meat at Vhadxi’s feet.
”Yesss.” hissed Vhadxi. “This will go well on my vampyre pyre
of puppy meat.”
55
The great hall began to echo with the sinister laughs of vampyres.
”Muwahahaha!” laughed Vhadxi
”Muwahahahahaha!” replied the black cadre.
Vhadxi threw his head back and let forth a monstorous bellow,
”Muwahahahahahaha!!”
The vampyre cadre’s laughter diminished into a mere dark giggle
here and there, yet Vhadxi continued to laugh with increasingly
epic sinisterness. The surrounding vampyres became uncomfortable because they felt the laughter had gone on for too long. If
they laughed now, it would only be to protect Vhadxi’s feelings.
~(Chapter 8, Part II “More Fireside Tales, Or: Why
Everyone Isn’t Asleep Yet”)
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 8:
The Archmagi of Eldersbane
Dust Jacket Notes
The Archmagi of Eldersbane - long thought to be nothing more than
a fairy tale used to scare recalcitrant children, all Battal will soon learn
the truth...
Young Asana Millytopthought is a small, impertinent girl who has long
known that stories of the Eldersbane, the flying castle of sky-blue
stone, and its mysterious ruler were mere myth. But when her village
is threatened by a power never before witnessed, she must set out on
a journey to discover the source of the Eldersbane legends...and of
herself.
56
Book Highlights
•
The discovery of Captain Tev’s lost expedition and the recovery of
two of the Legendary Four Plaster Shards.
- The connection between the Eldersbane and the lost continent
of the Cataclysmic Bluont.
- Revolt of the Chthonic Swinemen, the Dolphinthropes and the
Homo Canii - collectively known as the Halfmen - of the line of
Zonard.
- A painfully detailed description of the trade conflicts of the
kingdom of K’th’ith’h, first of the Twelve Realms to fall during the
Vampyric Wars.
Misc Notes
At this point, the execs at Realmworlds Publishing were interested in
growing the fan base of the franchise beyond its core demographics
of virgin teen males and the mentally handicapped. In particular, they
wanted add more interest for women. At their insistence, Tycho Brahe
(or the hacks who replaced him, see: FfaTTBE) introduced a sidestory featuring the rogueish, ebony-eyed pirate Manwich St Meatily,
who featured in numerous twilight adventures aboard his ship Bodice
Bane. The effort was a colossal failure.
Chapter Summaries
This section is subject to Discussion.
Spoiler warning: Plot and/or ending details follow.
57
Book 8 is 27 chapters long, 244 pages.
Chapters 1-3:
Asana is introduced, as well as her mentor Dame Walk and the
villages of Yalka and Pormora. Asana finds the Longsword +O.
Chapters 4-5:
The threat is introduced - takes form of Halfmen of the line of Zonard,
who revolt against their enforced captivity and occasional consumption by humans. The Halfmen are lead by the Chthonic Swinemen after
their perversion by Dark Elemenstation.
Chapters 6-9:
Asana runs for her life, is nearly killed four times, attempts to use the
Longsword +O and then throws it away as useless, meets Trafficant the
Sly, and overhears an elderwoman moaning about the return of
Eldersbane.
Chapters 10-13:
Asana and Trafficant steal away in the night to seek a way to repel the
Reth’can. Chapter 13 ends with a cliffhanger paragraph as Asana is
falling to her apparent doom off a huge cliff as Trafficant escapes the
pursuit of Halfmen by...flying?
Chapters 14-16:
Previously introduced characters are astounded to run across a
wounded Trafficant who is curled up in the hollow of a tree in the
58
Forests of Misery. For some reason, he is not being attacked by
Soulferic Bats. He begs them to help him find Asana and they agree
to send him in the right direction, but not without major foreboding
over his apparent ‘mysteriousness’ (and a ton of foreshadowing)
Chapters 17-19:
We return to Asana who is alive, having had her fall broken by a
series of rotting wooden planks, comprising 47 individual flying
ships, stacked on top one another - this is the final resting place of
Captain Tev’s lost expedition. We meet Tev and he helps Asana by
digging up an ‘ancient scroll’ known as the Guidepath Numbers which
is rumoured to be a key to finding the Eldersbane.
Chapters 20-23:
Hijinks occur as Asana attempts to use the Guidepath Numbers with
increasing frustration. Just as she has an epiphany and activates the
power dormant within the scroll, Trafficant finds her, just in time to
see her disappear without having learned the important knowledge
imparted to him by his rescuers!
Chapters 24-25:
Asana meets the last Archmage of Eldersbane, who, it is revealed, is
responsible for the transmorgification and revolt of the Chthonic
Swinemen. Trafficant is revealed to be the son of the Archmage, and
uses his heritage to find Assana (whom he can find only through
love) with the help of a counterrevolutionary band of Swinemen who
proclaim, “Indeed, some ARE more equal than others”. The
Archmage laughs at the plight of the villages and admits to perverting
the swinemen as a practical joke. Asana and Trafficant attack the
Archmage, are rebuffed easily until, while he is gloating, they discover
his one true weakness and vanquish the crazy bastard.
Chapter 26:
59
The two young heroes destroy vast swaths of the Halfmen with a
‘magical entropic feedback’ reaction using the Archmage’s equipment. As an unintended side effect, the Eldersbane is transported to
the Bluount. This section is heavily footnoted with references to
means by which the ‘magical entropic feedback’ reaction is related to
manipulations in the world distribution of spica by a dark Chronoclone
of Yar the Sorcerial. The footnotes on these footnotes, in turn, refer to
the appendices, whose inclusion is apparently necessitated by this
elaborate digression.
Chapter 27:
Asana and Trafficant vow to find a way to rid this new land of any
suffering caused by the Archmage and ignored by any who are aware
of this vast continent.
Excerpts:
“According to the Guild of Free Traders and The Allied
Troll and Ogre Door Guarders and Footmen Union I should
be paid in goats and silver. This is an outrage. Until
further notice, I’m on strike.”
-Barry the Door Guarding Troll P. 126
”That was incredible... we... we should be dead,”
sputtered Trafficant.
He took Asana by the shoulders and backed her away
from the smoldering crater where moments before
had sat the Archmage’s equipment. It was obvious that
the entropic feedback machine would never again be
operational.
60
Breathlessly, Asana turned her big brown eyes up and
looked into Trafficant’s charcoal smudged face, a
single tear on her cheek, “Don’t you see. It’s just like
the old man said. ‘No power can stand against it, save
love.’” She paused. “This is what he was talking about.
I’m pretty sure that was... it was...” she trailed off.
”Heart Elemenstation?” Trafficant offered.
”I think so.”
”Rubbish...”
Chapter 27 Book 8
Appendices A & B:
Appendix A consists of a detailed 20 page description of the
economic conditions in the kingdom of K’th’ith’h, particularly as
concerns trade and the Apostrophine and Spica Mines which the
kingdom is largely dependent upon. The description of the era’s
classical economic debate of “spica versus Apostrophine” adequately
summarizes neoclassical economic theories of supply and demand. A
great deal of scholarly attention has been paid to the “tracing of the
intersubjective dialectic between fantasy, pleasure, and the necessary
temporal boundedness of human experience” that this section
supposedly overlays on bare economic discourse. This is largely
considered the most boring section of any of the 13 Books of the
Elemenstors saga. Buried in the text is a one-sentence hint that
despite the admirable legal contract skills of Lord B’gh’d, he harbors a
dark secret. Strangely this occurs in the middle rather than the end of
the text, cheating readers from skipping to the last page to find the
tie-in to the next Appendix, and forcing them to slog through
unnecessary technical and geopolitical details.
Appendix B is an awkward two-page scene that focuses on the
C’nf’s’ng Trade Dispute and the varied details of the economy of Battal
that surrounded it. It has been speculated that the story was more of
61
an afterthought that didn’t fit anywhere else, hence the addition of
the rather dull appendices. (Note: it has been posited by opponents
of the FfaTTBE that this awkward and drunken addition to the book
argues for the involvment of Brahe-prime at this point in the Cycle.)
Endnotes:
There are a series of ads featuring donation numbers for Amnesty
International and UNICEF, leading many to believe that the last
chapter was added on to the novel as part of a class action lawsuit
against Underhere publishing, which has as part of the settlement, a
requirement for charitable work.
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 9:
Rise of the Rhjajyept
Dust Jacket Notes
The Lightning of Change crackles once again across the darkening
skies of Battal. Deep within the earth, an ancient power awakens...BEHOLD the ancient Rhaja Lord, long imprisoned in his
earthen tomb, returns to lead the Rogue Chronosorcellors of the Jyept
Adept. Little do they suspect that they are merely pawns in a much
grander saga, a cycle of cycles, a wheel within a wheel within a cycle,
being played out again by the Rhaja Lord! The powers of Elemenstation are matched against the mind-bending might of the Rogue
Chronosorcellors, only to lead to a stunning about-face conclusion...
Notes
Although pivotal to the plot of the series, this is generally considered
the most poorly-written of them all. Some early fan blogs speculate
62
that Mr. Brahe unwisely allowed his compatriot Mr. Gabriel (not to
be confused with the enigmatic Gabe) to write the last two thirds of
the book. Such speculation is corroborated by the broad disparity in
quality between the first third of the book, which is relatively well
written, and the last two thirds, which seem to have been hammered
out by a very young adult. Although the plot seems to have been fully
developed, the actual prose has caused many fans of the cycle to beat
themselves sensless as they slog through it. A number of attempts at
a rewrite, none complete, have been made by the blogging community.
The above snippet was obviously written by Mud Kings.
The precise location of the dramatic shift in writing style is excerpted
below, though the style of writing does improve somewhat later on.
Advocates of the Single Author Theory suggest that the dramatic shift in
tone is an ironic use of Brahes “primitive voice” by which he
parodies Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries, from which the segment
clearly draws. The implication, of course, is that Wagner surrendered
his critical capacity for intellectual disengagement and distancing
from the work, engaging in a “primitive” capitulation to the regressive tendencies of the genre.
It is perhaps due to embarassment on the part of the author, or a
sense of frustration at the inability of his audience to follow his
dramatic experimentation in fantasy style, that in some versions of
Book 10 it is revealed that the entirety of Book 9 was in fact a dream.
These versions begin with the line “And then I woke up” and never
refer to anything that occurred in the previous book.
It is also thought that an effort was made to account for and integrate
the diverging styles of this volume into the subsequent volume by
carrying the polyvocality of its authorship to an extreme degree (See
Book 10).
In spite of the atrocious writing, this volume contains a number of
key references to the political economy of spica and the Spica Wars
and foreshadows The Resundering at numerous points. In addition, the
dangling plotline of the Halfmen Revolution, often regarded by the
fandom as a clumsy excuse to stick some kickass monsters into Book
63
8, is finally resolved early in the book, with fan favourite character
Noddy Chillbreezey (see Dolphinthropes) playing an important part. As
such, it is indispensible to the plot development of the series.
The book ends on a downbeat note - bickering amongst the various
Elemenstors sunders the fellowship that has lasted for so many long
yearicles. Each departs in anger, unknowing that the deadly Hierarch
Wars are soon to begin and their powers will once more elemanifest...
Excerpts
(this one reveals the odd change in narrative ability exactly at the
point in which it happens)
Dogus looked over the cascade of approaching Khith
with trepidation and much nose-waggling. While their
sharpened smithings were held aloft their rancid cries
of “Holo-ka, holo-ka,” rang piercing in the ancient
Elemenstor’s ears. “Another pint should suffice for
me to strategize a forthcoming plan,” he boasted,
heading back into the Pig’s Annoyance, all the while
befuddling over whether or not the Chronosorcellors
had discovered some form of Unlight Elemenstoring
to control these vile creatures. He had to hurry, the
creatures grew closer in the friscillating moonlight. He
drank the beer good. Monsters coming. He think fast.
Dogus blow up Khith and lots of fire. People cheer.
Meanwhile Felthar coming. He on horse. Horse eat
hay. “I hurry,” he says. Loud music.
--Taken from Book 9, Rise of the Rhjajyept, Page 211
64
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book
10: The Hierarch Wars Begin
(Colloquially, Elemenstors
Gone Wild, Vol. I)
Note: Book 10 had two different dust jackets with
different notes.
Dust Jacket Notes
Nobody suspected that the Old House of Eyekia Lane was anything
special. Sierra Vanity didn’t. An Elemenstor would know better.
Lurking between its creaking, clanking floorboards is the evilest evil
this world has seen ever. Well... maybe not ever, but at least a century
or two. Guddboy Lad sees this evilest evil. For you see, he has come to
see the evilest evil isn’t in The Old House... it is The Old House. And
when Sierra Vanity accidently unchains this evil during a savage wet
cloak contest, an epic to end all epics will begin to unfold.
Hat Rack and Foot Stool. Hope Chest and Nightstand. Armoire and
Chair. The Elemenstor Saga reaches new epic heights as it draws near
its epic end.
BEWARE NOBLE READER: If you pick up this book, know that
you will not rest until canvasing every line of every page!
Dust Jacket (On editions of Book
10 printed after Book 12)
65
The wondrous tale of the Hierarch Wars begins quietly enough. The
Old House of Eyekia Lane seemed an unseemly place for events that
would shake Battal to its very core! But begin there they did.
In the year 23,354, teenager Sierra Vanity inherits the Old House in
her long-lost great-uncle’s will. Through a series of adventures with
the kitchen boy Guddboy Lad, she discovers that the house is imbued
with the dread power of long-forgotten dark lord Char Reyarteb.
Meanwhile, the Elemenstors (scattered to the five corners of Battal
after the breaking of their fellowship in the previous tale) sense the
presence of this foreboding evil - and each gathers Staff and
Furniture to once again do battle!
Notes
The first in the Hierarch Wars Trilogy, The Hierarch Wars Begin is
best know for its unique format. Namely, that the entire work is
written in a series of Villanelles that transition freely between English,
French, Latin, Hebrew, Morse Code, Aramaic, and the guttural yawns
of Wookiees (known as Shyriiwook). This effect leaves the reader in a
sense of excitement and exhaustion as they chant along the epic in
one hand and a dictionary in the other. The entire work is considered
by some scholars as a metatextual commentary on the entire
Elemenstor Saga, its surronding fandom, the meaning of social
obligations in a captialistic democracy that openly supports fascist
regimes, and, specifically in Verses 891-933, on Brahe’s anxities
regarding his impending fatherhood. While controversial at first, the
style won many adherents. Nevertheless, for reasons unknown, Brahe
revised his formula for Book 11. This is in marked contrast to the
fevered semi-coherent rantings towards the end of Book 9, which is
perhaps acknowledged by the author by the opening line of Book 10,
the immortal: “And then I woke up.”.
Book 10’s continued popularity has much to do with the unceasing
freshness of the work; even after several reads the text retains many
secrets. A cottage industry of studies on Book 10 have sprung up
since its initial publication to feed and comment on these mysteries.
Perhaps some of this is attributable to the unusual manuscript
submitted by the author for proof-reading and printing, which was
written on thin sheets of edible chocolate. It was shortly after this
that Tycho had his second break-down.
66
Recurring Characters
Sierra Vanity
Guddboy Lad
Serafina Haberdasheron (deceased)
Borold Gravelsnot III, Revered Keeper
of the Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid
Persephalous, Ex-Lieutenant of the
Chair Brigade, Hermit.
New Characters
Barven Valori, Furniliar, secret lover to
Persephalous
Baltor the Upright, Wasted Elemenstor
known also as Killer Black
Toran, the young and impressionable
Elemenstor
Companionship of the Elemenstors
(appear at the end of the book and in
the next two volumes)
67
Unsolved Mysteries
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Who is the waxy purple figure described to be doing pushups in the opening verses?
Who or what exactly is the “Urtzkay” Brahe distainfully
refers to in passing throughout the text?
Is the disembodied head of Zula from the Wizbits! supposed to be addressing fanfic writers or fanfic readers?
Why is the Recliner of Botany never seen at the same time as
Guddboy Lad?
Why does line “DIVX WAZ HERE” break up the rhythm
in Verse 1355?
What is the meaning on the transparent, smeared brown
ring on the upper corner of Page 127?
At what point is an Elemenstor actually going to “go wild”?
Why, halfway through the book, does an erotic one-shot
story takes place and then end mid-sentence?
Excerpts from the Text
Mighty was the hero’s reek
Abundans oro nidor acidus:
’Excusez-moi, “le odeur chic”’
The ... -- . .-.. .-.. lingered for a week
Eliciting grunt from those infidus
Mighty was the hero’s reek
But still, discidium: Reek or chic?
Particularly the lego ficus:
’Excusez-moi, “le odeur chic”’
Each, every orifice would leak
Each punctum puteo validus
Mighty was the hero’s reek
Enemies countless would ‘. . -.-‘
68
And bolt, dismoral, after leaders
Mighty was the hero’s reek
’Excusez-moi, “le odeur chic”’
(More excerpts required!)
Related articles
See The Hierarch Wars
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book
11: The Hierarch Wars Continue (colloquially, Elemenstors
Gone Wild, Vol. II)
Dust Jacket Notes (presented on a
subdivider page in the “Hierarch’s
Trilogy” of books 10, 11 and 12.)
The secret of the Old House is uncovered, and the reality is more
frightening than anyone could possibly have imagined! Crafted by
arcane magiks in the time of the Hierarchs, the House now threatens
to unleash its dreadful power on the world. Could this signal the
return of Char Reyarteb? My sources say yes!
Now, with ultimate doom approaching, the Elemenstors must once
again unite in a way not seen in millenia since the ugly incident
between the High Elemenstor of Fire and the High Elemenstor of
69
Water. Meanwhile, a plucky desk and his moronic yet loyal friend, the
chair, must undertake an epic quest into a land of evil where
happiness is strictly against the law. Can these two Furniliars complete
their vital task even without opposable thumbs?
Notes
A portion of the book concerns the efforts of four distinct groups to
defeat several evil elemental constructs.
Partially parallel story lines are developed involving Ray the Telesorcerial
and his activities during the Hierarch Wars and an equivalent story
unfolding with Yar the Sorcerial, happening approximately 11,000 years
previous but interwoven in a fascinating narrative that play with the
very concepts of cause and effect. Ray generally assists in the
destruction of the constructs, accompanying the chair and desk on a
journey through several planes, including the Plane of Brooding
Melancholia, though he also occasionally uses the desk, chair and even
the constructs for his own purposes. Meanwhile Yar eventually stakes
out a position of neutrality between the Chronoclave and a band of
Rogue Chronosorcellors.
Meanwhile, the story of the “Heroes” is progressed in this book as
Sierra Vanity continues to make High Elemenstor allies to stand against
the rising threat of Char Reyarteb, most of whom die either tragically
or heroically in the next book. The rogues gallery of Elemenstors
include such unforgettable characters as Mordichai Alamede (and his
amazing jingle), the irrepressible (but ultimately quite repressed)
Larrana Modpeer, and the stoic dragon-man Revolp Darkblood.
This “neutral” plotline is developed alongside and occasionally
intesects the “heroic” plotline of the High Elemenstors and the
“dark” plotline which delves into the personal psychology of Char
Reyarteb, who spends much of the book brooding about his poor
relationship with his father. The heroic Elemenstor Zuumont engages in
some considerable heroics, slaying Vile Worm in an epic battle, then
venturing into Myrkmoom to investigate the mysterious disappearances
of several key political figures and other allies. There he discovers the
terrible truth about Bathtub Furniliars and prompty incinerates the lot
of them, angering the Mistress of Myrkmoom, the Elemenstrix Kapybara.
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Notable Events
Beginning in 23,366, 12 years after the events of The Hierarch Wars
Begin, this chapter of the saga covers a period of 35 years up to
23,401. This undertaking can only be truly described as ‘epic’. Just
some of the many events to take place:
•
•
•
•
•
•
Sierra Vanity and Guddboy Lad are now wed, and as we begin
the book Vanity is pregnant with their firstborn. As the tale
continues, the child ‘Ron’ grows first to strapping boyhood,
then to strapping manhood.
Sierra Vanity calls upon her old friend Mordichai Alamede (and
his amazing jingle), who arrives with several Elemenstors in
tow, including Larrana Modpeer and Revolp Darkblood.
The true secret of the Old House is uncovered - the sinister
spirit of Char Reyarteb lives on in the kitchen doorknob.
Vanity and Ladd must return and vanquish the evil once
and for all. The Elemenstors Ekezenthal, Arkazanthal, Zuumont, Ubrith, Toobanor, Ray Charebet(sorry, blanking on
which other ones - please fill in) are unable to assist in
this most crucial of all missions - beset by internal strife
within their ranks, they must contend with armies of darkness springing up all over Battal. These vile hordes are gathered by the Doorknob Marshals - from his hiding place in the
Darkest Doorknob, Reyarteb has furnished these hateful
handles as his new Furniliars!
Meanwhile, in a comedic subplot (something had to be
done to lessen the epic weight of this world-shaking tale)
Knobble the desk and his chair companion travel through the
land of Grimgrieve - where happiness is outlawed - to summon the Antique Furniliars to aid in the coming conflict!
The Dark Elemenstors, sensing the awakening of their master
Char Reyarteb, unleash their ultimate creations, The Eight
Elemental Constructs, to distract the Elemenstors, while they
work to free Char.
The Elemenstors and lovers Ubrith and Jarvelos have a climactic showdown with Spiral Doom, one of The Eight Elemental Constructs. Unfortunately, they cannot defeat the
Construct, and Jarvelos is tragically slain. Ubrith vows revenge, and spends the rest of the book hunting for the evil
Spiral Doom. Strangely, this plot is never picked back up in
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•
•
Book 12, and remains one of the most intriguing unresolved
threads in the entire series.
Brezgar Two-Eye and his War Men take advantage of the
Elemenstors’ distraction to pillage the land.
The Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor, led by Lord Silvermane
Snarlsnout, along with Mordichai Alamede and his crew, mount
an assault on the tree-city of the Gorthmaugs, Affenlichtbaum,
in an attempt to route these vile supporters to Char Reyarteb.
The Digressions
Nearly a thousand pages in length on its own (and part of the
massive, leather-bound trilogy release of books 10 through 12), the
text is a bit more scrutible than the other two volumes in the trilogy,
containing smaller fields of random (?) punctuation. Nonetheless, the
story moves freely among the numerous plot lines, not all of them
related in any obvious way. It also contains digressions and expansions on topics that appear completely unrelated to the rest of the
text.
Examples of the various digressions:
•
•
•
•
A long debate on the minutia of timesorc’ley between the
Chronoclave and Yar the Sorcerial, which many regarded to be
unnecessary and tedious.
There is a completely unneccessary Gouth poetry contest
called the “Winter Battle Slam”, which grows quite bloody
amid accusations that some of the participants are “puppets” who are plagiarizing poetry from “The Machine”.
Almost 40 pages are devoted to the history of the Dim Elves’
Lapua Elves Movement. Although some of the story does revolve around the Dim Elves, this digression is never linked
into that plotline.
A study of the policies and intrigues of the first of the Elven
Witch Queens, Ly’riarranaasa.
Related articles
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See The Hierarch Wars
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 12
: End of the Hierarch Wars
(Colloquially, Elemenstors:
Spring Break ‘2,167)
Dust Jacket Notes
I can’t find a copy with a dust jacket. Stupid used book
stores.. -ploki
Notes
This book marks the pinnacle of Tycho Brahe’s writing (or his
ghostwriter, if you believe some rumors). It is in TEotHW that the
many great unresolved plot threads from the previous books were
finally tied together. The Blossomwand now sundered, the love affair of
Ekezenthal and Arkazanthal finally ended in marriage in what was,
despite the many epic battles, arguably the best-written scene in the
Cycle. As many astute readers suspected, the Elemenstor of Light was
finally revealed to be a traitor working for the Dark Elemenstors. It also
saw the return of the Ronard Dynasty, as it is revealed that the beloved
Sierra Vanity is a direct decendant. And though she dies in a heartwrenching battle in the opening of the book, her son becomes Ronard
the Medium and functions as the main non-Elemenstor protagonist
during the book.
All that said, there were also a few glaring omissions in TEotHW
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which left some fans a little disappointed, such as the ultimate fate of
Ubrith and her quest to destroy the evil Spiral Doom. For a book that
had been so complete in other areas, the missing plots were a little
confusing. Many believe that some important chapters had to be cut
because the book was already getting so epic that it would have to be
split into two smaller novels.
The book is notable for featuring seventeen final battles. A new record in
heroic fiction.
Many die-hard fans still refuse to acknowledge Book 13, and claim
that TEotHW is the true end of the The Elemenstor Cycle.
Key Events in the Story
Picking up the cliffhanger where The Hierarch Wars Continue ended,
this thrilling conclusion contains no less than seventeen final battles. A
list of some of the mighty deeds performed within:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
74
In the opening Battle of the Moonlit Banners Sierra Vanity is
killed shortly after discovering her true lineage. Her son,
Ron, and husband Guddboy Lad swear vengeance.
The perpetually on-again, off-again Elemenstor couple
Ekezenthal and Arkazanthal wed, the night before facing certain epic death at Battlefield Mort. The subsequent battle is
won with surprisingly few casualties.
Cubby is resurrected in the midst of the Battle of Splinters and
is critical to the destruction of The Ambulatator, one of The
Eight Elemental Constructs , but refuses to aid in the Wars.
Elemenstor Prigglesnap, during the course of a particuarly
moving soliloquy, reveals to the reader that he has, at last,
determined the location of the legendary Hat of Destiny,
much to the surprise of Mordichai Alamede (and his amazing
jingle).
The Elemenstor of Light, Ray Charebet, is revealed to have
been an astral projection of Char Reyarteb. He has been
working with the Dark Elemenstors secretly to bring about his
own resurrection since Book 11.
Elemenstor Prigglesnap is slain by a colorful fellow named
Twiddles who mistook him for a Dark Elemenstor.
Amberberry is captured and killed by Brezgar Two-Eye and his
War Men after their routing at the Windfield Plains. Elemen-
•
•
stor Zuumont swears an epic oath of Blood Vengeance, but is
then talked out of it by Knobble the desk.
Finally, at the Battle of Freedom’s Peril, the Elemenstors come
face to face with Char Reyarteb, freed from his doorknob
prison, who is attempting to summon his one-time ally
MooMaa the Dyemon-Ghost. In an epically titanic duel, the
Elemenstors are fought to the point of exhaustion, and
Guddboy Lad slain - but Ron, son of Sierra Vanity, vanquishes the dark lord and accepts his destiny as a descendant of King Ronard the Magic Sword King.
In the Final Scene (until Book 13), Ron - now Ronard the
Medium - ascends his throne to the cheers and approbation
of all the peoples of Battal, except of course the evil ones.
Related articles
See The Hierarch Wars
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book
13: The Glaivemistress(es) of
Arvalyyon
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First edition book cover:
Dust Jacket Notes
After the devastation of the Hierarch Wars, the world of Battal is at
peace once again. But for how long? Shortly after the victory at the
Battle of Freedom’s Peril, the Elemenstor Union is approached by the
mysterious Glaivemistress of Arvalyyon. Hailing from the era of The
Resundering, the Glaivemistress is defying the will of the Chronoclave to
set all of time right, and end the threat of Dark Elemenstation once and
for all.
Comments
76
This represents Tycho Brahe’s (or another author’s) most ambitious
failure. After having defeated the dark powers so thoroughly in Book
12, Brahe is left with nothing to do in his last chapter but to try and
do away with evil not just in the current time, but throughout all of
time. But after having established Dark Elemenstation so forcefully
and powerfully in his previous works, attempting to eliminate it
creates massive inconsistancies between his previously coherent saga
and this unnecessary thirteenth chapter. Indeed, most of the later
works written in the world of the Hierarchs are an attempt to
reconcile this thirteenth chapter with some coherent picture of
reality.
There are also significant structural problems with this book. Entire
chapters are written with sentences that lack any semblance of syntax.
The twelfth chapter, “Muffin;”, is composed entirely of semicolons
without any words between them. When the meaning of his words is
understandable, the content is jarring and rarely enjoyable. Mr. Brahe
kills off many of the saga’s most beloved pieces of furniture in a freak
bonfire in the first chapter, and the new character of the Glaivemistress seems to be perpetually intoxicated. This thirteenth novella
might be an indication of failings in Mr. Brahe’s mental health. It may
also, however, be evidence of the rumor that Mr. Brahe did not write
many of the books in the Epic Legends of the Hierarchs: The
Elemenstor Saga. The sudden appearance of a few lines regarding the
Ohcyt Panamarans in a field of deepest punctuation in the last five
pages is often considered an ill-fated effort to rescue the series.
While the official title given by Brahe is “Glaivemistresses” (pluralized), the book itself only contains one Glaivemistress, the
Glaivemistress of Arvalyyon. Thus, the first edition cover pictured
here most likely had the name changed by the publisher who, having
actually read the book, changed the title to match the story. Later
editions (including the suede one), released by different publishers,
probably just took the original pluralized name off the alcoholstained front page of Brahe’s original manuscript.
Knack Aware Microbes
The Glaivemistress introduces the reader to the concept of Knack
Aware Microbes (KAM), or knackrobes as she refers to them.
According to the “science” of her society, the ability of Elemenstors
to use the Knack is governed by the concentration of knackrobes in
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their body. She rattles off several figures to support her claims such
as a KAMrating of (inscrutably) 1007.9+w for Harbinger Portent and a
KAMrating of 1080+i (highest ever recorded) for Char Reyarteb. She
goes on to just other elemenstors by using her KAMtecting Rod, in
order to assess threat level or usefulness of an elemenstor.
Needless to say, fan reaction to knackrobes was quite negative. Most
felt that this needlessly demystified elemenstation, while others felt
that such an important system could not possibly be added so late in
the franchise. Given that this book contains the only canon refferences to knackrobes, the community has largely explained their
appearance as being a reflection of the way in which the people of
Arvalyyon interpreted elemenstation, and although the Glaivemistress
presents it as factual, knackrobes may or may not actually exist or
play the role that was expressed by her in the books.
Excerpts from the Text
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ; ; ;;;; ; ; ;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;; ;;;;;
;;;;;;;;;; ; ;;;;;; ;; ;
;
ULTIMATE SPOILER
Spoiler warning: Plot and/or ending details follow.
Because of the time bending actions of the Glaivemistress of
Arvalyyon, Book 13 ends with the opening of Book 1, implying that
the entire thirteen book series (and, by extension, the entire Elemenstor Universe) was a giant timeloop deprived of free will. By far the
most controversial element of the entire Sage, it still incites flamewars
over its merit. The momentous last lines read:
78
The Elemenstor blinked. Had he seen something in
the darkness? No, he decided, it was probably just
those olives he ate earlier. They hadn’t been fresh at
all. Plus he was getting old. Bah. He’d be dead long
before he gave up his precious pickled foodstuffs.
Dismissing such thoughts, he gathered his robes and
pressed on.
A flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminating the grizzled Elemenstor and his ambulatory
dresser.”
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 13
and ½: The Eternal Timesor-
c’ley of Middlemoon
Synopsis
The book is a indepenant work of Tycho Brahe as he tries to go back
through all previous 13 books and correct the books to coincide with
his Goth vision of Char Reyarteb. This is however most definately
not official canon, since it isn’t endorsed by and has never made
money for Realmmasters. Which means it’s totally incorrect and should
be ignored.
Contents
While this book progresses the timeline of ELotH:TES by only a few
days, those few days are spent discovering truths about Battal’s
ancient secrets. This voyage of discovery makes us rethink the entire
79
world’s past, removes many seeming contradictions in the series, and
covers many periods we previously knew little about in depth. Substories include: The Horseless Nomads of the Chasm durring the Million
Year War, The Great War Of The Warlords, the previously unexplored
aspects of the Spica Wars between The Longest Moment and the start of
The Sundering, and the dark secret of the Murpelts.
Fans of the book have been quoted as saying, “Truly existence is
nobler with this book in it.”
Notes
After the disastrous reception to Book 13, Tycho Brahe is rumored to
have come out of reclusion (if he was in reclusion in the first place is
a matter of debate) to set the story straight. However, because of
licensing issues involving Steven Anderson and switched addresses for a
FBI Drug Bust Book 13 ½ was put on hold. However, Tycho Brahe in
a heroic show of support for fan’s of The Elemenstor Cycle managed to
evade his FBI interogators and Steve Anderson’s Lawyers to post a
number of snippets from Book 13 ½. Attempts are being made to
cobble together the dispariate bits that have been found in order to
understand what Tycho Brahe was attempting to say.
Excerpts Found So Far
Table of Contents
Prologue - A Mean Sjkarblae is a Happy Sjkarblae!
Chapter 1 - Braving the arid deserts of the The Baren
Swamplands of Yore.
Chapter 2 - Unknown
Chapter 3 - The Battle for Darkhorn Bend!!
Chapter 4 - Unknown
Chapter 6 - The long lost son of The Steward Earl
Stewart Earle Steward, Earle of Steward!?
Chapter 7 - Nomenclature Dance.
Chapter 8 - What the Quilp?
Chapter 9 - What Gespechio Knew
Chapter 10 - Wheels within Plans
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Chapter 11 - The Smittenning
Chapter 12 - Blood Wars and Sugar (or alternately: Blood,
Wars, and Sugar)
Chapter 13 - Unknown
“I just knew the truth of the War Men was a lie!” said
Bumblin Elfcandor III. “It wasn’t really them, it was
the hithero unknown race called Murpelts!”. “Yes”
agreed Archimedes Breakwind “I suppose you are
correct. That explains it all”. P. 585 Chapter 1
:
An essential piece of punctuation in the ELotH:TES universe. Some
argue that its role is yet greater than that of ;, since it occurs in the
title of the series.
Thought to represent anxiety, new openings, and homophilia, it is set
in a continuous, creative, dialectical tension with ; throughout Book
13.
;
; is used extensively throughout Book 13, to achieve what has been
described by some as “headache-inducing” and by others as “wholly
illuminating.” It is also the name of no less than 17 central characters
in this novel. Outside of Book 13, ; enjoys much renown in the other
12 books, as Tycho Brahe, in his attachment to linguistic gymnastics,
often used it where lesser authors may have ended the book. This
allowed him to continue writing long after most would have given up,
81
both in individual paragraphs and in the entire ELotH:TES series
itself.
The Number 3,895,074
Harbingers in year 574 (TMSK) calculated that this was the most
perfect, most complete, most philosophical number. Many important
harbinger texts are devoted to the understanding of this number,
which interestingly also appears seemingly randomly throughout
the 13 novel Elemenstor Cycle.
This is one of the more popular bawdy pub songs in the western
lands of Battal. It refrences the practice of Elemenstave crafting and
humorously compares the noble weapon to a phallus. It is said to be
one of the more preferred songs of Lord Kinlo. It was sung in its
entirety by Dogus Brankorking in Book 6.
“Oh, Some men have a little wand, and at these men
we laugh
And some men hang off of their waist a full-fledged
Battlestaff.
But of all the weapons, oh, to make a woman rave,
’Tis the sight of a High Elemenstor’s long thick
El’menstave.
Though many powerful weapons have been held by
many men
An elemenstave has an eldritch and even epic knob on
the end.
And when he gets all riled up, out of that epic mast-Yes, ye best get out of the way of that mast’s mighty
blast.
Oh, long and smooth and slender, with a mighty knob
on top
Tis the mighty Elemenstave will make any woman
stop,
oh, in her tracks to take a look at the eldritch, epic
82
sight,
And wonder how that staff would feel, oh, in her
hands tonight!
Yes, some men have a tiny wand, and at these men we
laugh.
And some men have hanging from their waist a big
old battlestaff.
A Fancy Man, he likes’em all, but if you ask him what
he’ll crave
It’s the sight of a strapping El’menstor with a big hard
El’menstave!
Oh, what do I, you’re asking me, what weapon do I
wield?
When my blood’s been hot, you want to know, what is
it I’ve revealed?
When I came across a succubus, how did I make her
behave?
She surrendered as soon as she saw my big-knobbed
Elemenstave!
Yes, I am a High Elemenstor, and let there be no
doubt,
If ye want to see the knob I have, there’s one way to
find out.
Just come around me room tonight, and madam, if
you’re brave
Then tonight, you can be on the end of my long
Elemenstave!
-- Taken from Book 6: Nightstand’s Peril”
Yep.. sung in it’s entirety, but not straight through all at once if you’ll
remember the nasty spilled drink bit between the fifth and final verse. :)
83
A Night at The Rusty Spear
One of Tycho Brahe’s short stories, it details a night the twin Fire
Elemenstors Oryand and Greg stayed at an inn named The Rusty Spear.
The focus of the story however is the tale told by an old bard named
Urlack Goual. His tale entitled The Tragedy of Miramus Cagous,
Accountant draws the twins in and they are mesmerized by his charm.
It is only too late that they realize they have been bewitched along
with with the rest of the taverns patrons. Urlack has made off with
their coin and they must track him down. They find him hiding in a
stable which they promptly burn to the ground, avenging themselves
of his thievery.
See The Tragedy of Miramus Cagous, Accountant, Dawn of the Dark Shadows
This is the definitive encyclopeadia of Battal, written by the Knowledge
Smith Aardnarsh, which took him 4372 years to finish. He travelled
both Shield and Sickle talking to peasants about virtually anything.
He is believed to be the first of the line of People who have seen everything
and have T-shirts confirming that.
After over four millenia of toiling, Aardnarsh (who became known
throughout Antior as “that curious bearded guy”) discovered that
quite a lot of his original work has gradually disactualised. Ignoring
that, he published his compendium hoping that the people will
believe what they read rather what they see. Not that many people
died, and it is widely believed that he had a point in that.
Suprisingly, some of Aardnarsh’s articles, which often involved
interviewing a first hand source for information, were actually
invented on the spot by those who were interviewed. Other articles
were actually made up by Aardnarsh to amuse himself, with similar
results and deathrates.
Many editions of The Compendium have been published, but generally
apocraphal articles do not remain in the compendium for more than
one issue. A notable exception is the entry for the Harmless Yellow
Macramidgon, which is entirely fabricated, but very popular.
Aardnarsh travelled with an apprentice knowledge-smith named
84
Stubbins ‘Stub’ McHenry, who did an infamously incomplete and
unthorough job. None the less, due to time constraints, many of his
entries saw publication*. As a result, calling an incomplete compendium entry a “stub” has become common practice. Many wiki
contributors have picked up on this jargon and used it in their own
entries.
In recent years the Compendium has competed for sales and
definitiveness with the much larger and more detailed “Rickett’s and
Toby’s Guide”, though it is unlikely either will ever drive the other out
of print entirely. The Guide appears to be settling into the niche of a
general information source for the layman, whereas the Compendium
remains a staunch favourite with serious anthropologists and
pseudoanthropologists - its entries in these areas are inarguably of
superior quality.
This book recieved the Biggest and Bestest Compendium award
from Fromlem’s Guide.
* His initial entry for bugglywump consisted solely of the word: “Cute.”
Abercrombie
Abercrombie is the accidental Furniliar of Semmellhalt, the squire of
Doric, the knight of Gimba, the principal lady of Terle and the first
female Terleian. This places Abercrombie in a position of no official
standing. He was, however, often used to carry intoxicating beverages, and over the years grew quite capable of keeping them cold. It
is unknown what methods he used to accomplish this. Abercrombie
was inhabited by Squidgy, a woodworm.
Action Sequence
The Action Sequence fan-coined term for the sequence of three
85
chapters in Book 7, where the Three Foolish Children were forced to
converse solely in verbs to escape the attention of the NightLairds.
Brahe’s love of linguistic wordplay was developed further in the
Sequence.
The Action Sequence is not especially popular with many literary
figures, who point to inconsistencies in Brahe’s verbal schematic and
laboured dialogue as flaws. Fans, however, are more forgiving of
Brahe’s authorial quirks, and many have tried to emulate the
Sequence in fanfiction with varying degrees of success.
Affenlichtbaum
Capital city of Gorthmaugs, built on the tree-tops in a deeply forested
region of Grammelgrap. Since, being FREAKY MONKEY MEN,
Gorthmaugs are not exactly big on architecture, the city is, in fact, reused ruin of an older city built by Extremely Elves. Some of the ruins
are still haunted, and Gorthmaugs are deeply afraid of elven ghosts.
The treehouses are built in decidedly elven style, now adorned with
banana peels and flinged poo. Connected by vines and ropes they
form an unusual, elfine-ape architecture.
The city was colonized by Ouaakkak, the first king of Gorthmaugs.
Since the Gorthmaugs do not use tools (or anything that isn’t a
banana or magic) the often leave their homes after the stench
becomes unbearable. That is, unbearable by their standard.
Agash
A popular game among virtually every race and faction of Battal,
dating back to The Magic Sword Kings Period. Accounts that it was
invented by King Ronard himself, while considered apocryphal by the
time of the Four Underdogs, are not impossible. Certainly King Ronard
was known to play the game (indeed, is known to have died playing
86
it). Though rarely played by followers of Ronardity (as they understand
the dangers), its historical persistence and wild popularity are directly
attributable to their widespread and entirely free distribution of the
Chronicles of the Magic Sword Kings. The game is specifically preached as
one surefire path to Vigorous Aliveness (and, by association, an
excellent inspiration of lulz). It is also occasionally associated with the
philosophy of Bloodlustiness.
To the uninitiated, a good game of Agash looks rather like two
hopelessly inebriated, completely naked circus performers throwing
deadly objects at one another while screaming inarticulately, occasionally interrupting their revelry to charge wildly toward each other
before resuming what closely resembles a murderous snowball fight
with knives instead of snow.
(Speculation that this is in fact exactly what killed King Ronard, and that
the “game of Agash” was spun from whole cloth in an attempt to
preserve his legacy, is wholly unfounded and severely frowned upon by
disciples of Ronardity.)
Basic Rules
Setup
As detailed in Book 3, Agash is traditionally played between two
people, though multiplayer variants are known to exist in some
regions. Both participants remove all armor, clothing, undergarments,
jewelry, hairpieces, et cetera—Agash is played between two people as
the Hierarchs intended them. Enchanted tattoos of a protective nature
are considered highly unsportsmanlike. The playing field may be
virtually any environment, so long as two distinct “sides” can be
discerned.
The participants square off at a number of paces—generally twenty,
but children often set that number to ten as a sort of “targeting
handicap.” An equal number of bladed, spiked, or otherwise pointy
implements may be placed anywhere within three paces of each
participant (five is the standard number of implements as well). All
implements must be at least one pace distant from any other
87
implement. These implements may be enchanted, so long as the
enchantment does not enhance the objects’ ranged targetting
capabilities. These implements should not be touching the participants when the game begins.
The Throwing Phase
The participant who did not issue the challenge usually gets to throw
first, though in cases of mutual suggestion, a deciding round may be
played first (see below). Dodging is encouraged and indeed recommended if one hopes to live through the game. The goal is to score as
many cuts as possible by throwing the implements at hand—but only
against the skin. Muscle, tendon, bone, cartilage, eyes, basically
anything that isn’t skin must not be cut. Capillaries do not count
against this requirement, but major arteries and veins do. Hair does
not count one way or the other. If you cut anything other than your
opponents’ skin, the game ends and you lose. Note that this is
considered different than winning—no one wins at Agash unless all
rounds (four is a standard number for short games) are played and
cuts are counted (see below).
Each throw is to be accompanied by a yell of warning; it is considered sporting to yell where you are aiming (“Your head!”, “Your
legs!”, et cetera). Once the first throw is made, both participants are
free to make throws as quickly as possible until one participant runs
out of implements. At this point, whoever has thrown their last
implement yells “Agash!”
The Deciding Phase
When Agash is called, players must immediately charge toward one
another at full speed. Whoever flinches away first loses the Deciding
Phase; the other player gets to throw first next round. If neither
player flinches away (they both collide) or they both flinch away
simultaneously, then another Deciding Phase is played, and another,
and another, until someone flinches away. If someone loses consciousness, breaks a bone, or is otherwise rendered unable to
continue by the Deciding Phase, then they lose (but again, their
opponent does not win).
After the Deciding Phase, players switch sides on the playing field
88
and play continues with another throwing round—however, one’s
“implement pool” is limited to the weapons on one’s side. Which
means you have all the weapons you threw in the previous round,
plus whatever your opponent failed to throw. If no implements are
on your side at the beginning of a throwing round, you must wait for
your opponent to make at least one throw before calling Agash.
Victory Conditions
After four rounds (a round consists of one Throwing Phase and one
Deciding Phase), the game is ended and cuts are counted. Whoever
has scored the most cuts against his or her opponent is declared the
winner, and their opponent is declared the loser. If the game is ended
early due to a disqualifying cut or other automatic loss as detailed
above, there is at least one loser, but there is no winner.
For this reason, a number of interesting boasts have arisen across
Battal. It is a very enigmatic and mildly threatening thing to say, “I
always lose at Agash.” People who always kill their opponents always
lose; on the other hand, people who always pass out during the
Deciding Phase also always lose. To say “I always win at Agash” is to
boast of incredible accuracy, magnificent agility, and respectable
constitution as well. “I never lose at Agash” could mean many things
and so would be something of a non sequitur. The fact is, most of the
population of Battal never win at Agash, whether they lose frequently
or not.
But this is why Agash is often considered a spectator sport. The
audience always wins, except for the occasional “innocent” bystander
who receives wounds intended for a player. It should be noted that
the injury or death of bystanders is not taken into account with
respect to the winning or losing of the game. However, all implements must, after the first round, be played from where they fall. If
that means prying a knife from a spectator’s chest or retrieving an axe
instead of giving medical attention to a wounded loved-one, so be it.
Agash audiences are aware of and accept the risks associated with the
game.
Optional Rules
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Many regional and “house” variants on this popular game exist. The
most common has to do with the choosing of weapons. On mutual
agreement, players of Agash can choose to place certain limitations
on the selection of implements. Obviously, it is easier to play Agash
with razor-sharp, well-balanced throwing knives, shuriken, and
similar implements. But the game is considered all the more amusing
(if somewhat lacking in finesse) when played strictly with objects
more heavy, blunt, or imbalanced—like swords, large spikey hammers,
axes, et cetera.
One extremely popular variant requires both participants to chug ale
between each round.
In The Wizbits Cartoon, playing without clothes is referred to as “very
old fashioned.” However, in the original Japanese ElamenSTAR, the
Wizbits adhere strictly to the canonical, saga-established rules when
playing. Obviously the inclusion of clothes changes the mechanics of
the game significantly, but for obvious reasons the non-canonical
American cartoon was more concerned with American cultural norms
than with canonical adherence. The nuances of this dichotomy have
extended into an almost seasonal debate amongst the presiding
members of the real-world Worldwide Agash Lovers’ League.
Advanced Techniques
A number of advanced tactical approaches to the game of Agash do
exist; indeed, King Sc’rch’drth himself is supposed to have written an
expansive treatise on the subject. Sadly, despite its popularity during
the Spica Wars, no copies are known to have survived The Sundering.
Most discussions of advanced techniques begin with the initial
arrangement of implements to maximize rapid deployment, gaining
an upper hand early in the game. The various patterns of legal
deployments within a three-pace-radius circle around the player are
referred to as “shapes.” Most dedicated players of Agash have a
preferred shape; knowledge of a player’s preferred shape and
technique for deployment allows one to “read” an opponent and
score several points early on in the first round.
Strategies for later in the game are a little more loose, since the
“shape” of the implements after round one is determined not by
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choice, but by where the thrown weapons end up. In this respect
there is considerable discussion of playing fields—walls, for instance,
keep all implements close at hand, while fields and forests can
complicate the game considerably. The introduction of spectators
also impacts this, as spectators may help or hinder things whether
they mean to or not.
Agash in Battal
Perhaps the most famous players of Agash are the Bladebrothers, who
are depicted as excellent players who love the game and revel in the
Vigorous Aliveness and lulz that it inspires. The Bladebrothers are
depicted as preferring to spend their free time playing Agash
throughout all thirteen of Tycho Brahe’s books (though the rules do not
appear until Book 3).
Among the Bladebrothers, Vel Jinglefist was an acknowledged master of
Agash. His only known loss was to the budding Elemenstor Zula, in the
ElamenSTAR episode Welcome Home, Elemenstors!. Her intrinsic
understanding of air currents doubtless helped her in this matter, as
did her vapid, zen-like mindset and reed-thin physique.
Later, in Elemenstors in a Pinch!, a the semi-suicidal Last Ooamp refuses
to grant the Four Underdogs passage unless they defeat it in a game of
Agash. Fortunately, Zula knows the game and is able to win without
granting the creature’s death wish. The continued agony of bitter
loneliness on the part of a single Ooamp was, after all, a small price to
pay to prevent the extinction of a species (and force the delicate issue
of genocide on an unsuspecting viewership).
Of course, the most historically significant game of Agash for
denizens of Battal is the first historically recorded one—wherein King
Ronard dies and his unnamed opponent loses the game. Which is not
as good as winning, of course, but at least the great Sword King
himself never lost.
Agash in the Real World
Although it was almost certainly played by various fans of the books
after its rules were spelled out in painstaking detail in Book 3, Agash
received a lot of negative press when rumors of injury and death
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began to circulate after the airing of The Wizbits Cartoon episode “A
Warm Welcome.” The mainstream press referred to Agash as a
“fantastical admixture of horseshoes, chicken, and russian roulette”
which was “being peddled to children like so much crack-cocaine”
through the “braindead medium” of “cheap Sri Lankan animation.”
Supposedly children were attempting to imitate the game in some
sort of horrific nationwide epidemic. These rumors have never been
confirmed and are assumed false or possibly sealed by the courts.
Either way, Agash appeared in other episodes of The Wizbits Cartoon
and so the lawsuit payouts, if any, must have been miniscule
compared to the television ad revenue and retails sales of Agashthemed playsets driven by the popularity of the usually dangerous,
occasionally deadly, always hilarious game.
Since fans first started playing Agash in the real world, many tiny and
unconnected leagues were formed. However, with the advent of the
internet, many of these have conglomerated to form the Worldwide
Agash Lovers’ League.
Air
Air is one of the basic four elements of
creation, and thus of High Elemenstation. It
represents chaos, luck, free-spiritedness,
weightlessness and breathing. Its symbol
in the CCG is the Three-Pointed Swirly
Thing.
Air is represented symbolically in the Weighty Tome of Elemenstor by
streakers. Air Elemanifestations can summon flying minions or whisk
minions or technologies off of the board. Air-aligned creatures tend
to have very high reflexes, somewhat high attitude and good
seduction, though very low life points.
An Air Elemenstor is also known as a Wiffle, and is decidedly the least
common or popular type of elemenstor.
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is the ancient character the Hierarchs used for writing the
word Air. It is often woven into the clothes of Air Elemenstors, or
printed in their magical items. The character is part of the typeface
used in printing the Elemenstor Cycle books and often appears in
place of the word air when referring to Air Elemenstation.
Related
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Elements
Air
Water
o Ice
o White Water
Fire
Earth
Heart (Debated)
Life
Death
Stream
Carry
The Four Vales
Aklom Reklats
A being cast out of the Oculus Omnipotens who has had, strangely, a
profound effect on Battal.
The Exile
Cast out from the very essence of the Starborn Gem, Aklom Reklats
was in himself a remarkably decent manisfestation of the jewel. Being
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the Facet of Justice and Fairness, Aklom Reklats was in fact as
close to perfection as possible. Reklats argued that it was “unfair to
withhold so much knowledge from the world, when it is the right of
all to receive knowledge”. This did not go well with Reklats’ brethren,
the Starchildren, and thus Reklats was expelled from the jewel. Reklats
would never again see the twenty faces of the Oculus Omnipotens.
Even as Harbinger Portent uncovered the mighty jewel, Reklats refused
to give into temptation and did not even consider the act of pleading
to rejoin his brethren—even to regain the knowledge which he had
lost on his fateful exile onto the barren earth of Battal.
The Manisfestation
Until the fall of Harbinger Portent, Reklats wandered Battal invisibly,
his silver eyes escaping nothing, trying, just trying to regain even a
little of the knowledge that he had lost. However, when Reklats
witnessed the death of Portent, Reklats was infuriarated. His own
brothers within the Oculus Omnipotens had betrayed him—betrayed
him, for an idiot mage who would die of his own faults mere
centuries later! This buffoon, the immortal Char Reyarteb, was the
reason for which Aklom Reklats once more became tangible—for
such incomprehensible idiocy simply had to be dealt with.
However, Reklats could not stop Reyarteb’s stupidity instantaneously.
The Oculus Omnipotens was aiding Reyarteb, and Reklats knew he
wouldn’t stand a chance against them, even if he did know their ways.
Thus, Reklats scoured the now-reformed Battal for clues with which
to stop Reyarteb—and until centuries passed, he found none.
The Death and Rebirth
It was not until the year 19,098 that Aklom Reklats found suitable
attackers of the now nearly-immortal Reyarteb. By this time, Reklats’s
Oculus-spawned powers of immortality were waning, and Reklats
knew his time was near. With that, the once-powerful entity gathered
all of his remaining power, and transferred his might into four
infants, who would grow up to become the Four Underdogs, and with
the aid of the Ocumen, eliminate Char Reyarteb and his horde of
subterranean men forever. This act proclaimed forever the astound94
ing effect of not only Aklom Reklats, but the whole of the Oculus
Omnipotens, upon Battal.
However, after the remainder of the Oculus Omnipotens buried itself
within the sand of Battal, some strange force revived Aklom Reklats,
sans most of his memory. Without knowledge of his power (that was
at this point the greatest in the world, due to the damage done to the
Starborn Gem), Reklats believed that he was just a normal human—
but because of his sleeping power, he remained one of the most
volatile—and extremely dangerous—beings on Battal.
Eventually, circa 19,485, Aklom Reklats was able to absorb the NonLife from the Mute Blade of Non-Life, and in this way Aklom became
the indirect manifestation of Non-Life—making him even more
powerful than he was previously. However, this did nothing to make
Aklom aware of any power he had within him—he still led a normal
life as others (albeit an extremely long one).
Ale
A beloved drink of Dwarves, Men and all in-between. Ale has been
known to cause unusual behavior, including dangerous sword-play
among friends, regretfully sent messages, and spending “quality time”
with seedy wenches. Long nights of drinking ale generally lead to illness
the next day, and occasionally to the dreaded walk of shame / ambulation of shame.
Also see Slow Killing Poison
The Kingdom of Alfafanar
Founded after The Sundering, The Kingdom of Alfafanar is located on
the small and nigh unaccessible plateau of Alfan, in the middle of The
Sickle. Its unique geography helps to form a vast, lush garden in the
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center of the barren and dusty continent. It is also renowned for
being the place where famous people come from, and even has a
small museum displaying the large number of “chosen ones” that are
its expatriates.
Alfafanar is the setting for tale The Five Chosen Ones.
History
The Clans
The plateau was originally settled by several bands of migrating tribes.
Finding themselves in a place of infinite bounty where they would
never have to work again, they immediately set about killing each
other. Each generation, the clans would skirmish, until a leader would
arise to unite half the clans against another leader who was just
happening to be uniting half the clans against him. Eventually, the
two armies would go at it in the center of Alfan, and in the ensuing
confusion, the two warlords were killed. The survivors would then
return home, and father the next generation of fighters. This
continued until the rise to power of Cedric the Bastard.
The Founding of the Kingdom
As usual, two Warlords had arisen to unite the clans. One was Lion
the Brian-Hearted, who was known for assimilating clans by simply
beating their leaders to death with their own dismembered limbs, and
Cedric the Bastard, who used stealth and cunning to destroy his rivals.
Ultimately, the two faced each other on the plains, the largest armies
ever in Alfafanian history at their backs. They had both realized that
eventually, the circle of violence had to end. Lion challenged Cedric
to a duel, as was his wont, and Cedric agreed. Cedric won, after Lion
was found two minutes before the duel, with what is reported to be
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“a seven score arrows perforating his body”. Cedric was crowned
King, and built Castle Anonymous, named after his father.
The End?
Unusually, no end of the Kingdom is recorded in any canonical
source. It’s possible that it continued to thrive until the end of the
world. It is however recorded that since Alfafanar has such a high
concentration of “chosen ones” that in the end times, many of the
Communities of Prophecy Incarnate sprung up in the outskirts of this
kingdom. The most notable of these of course is Imminent Dale.
Economics
Alfafanar has a powerhouse economy. Being positioned on the
sources of several mighty rivers, with access to huge amounts of
lumber and food as well as a large number of ore-rich mountains, it
has essentially created a monopoly in nearly all trade. While only
Alfan is officially part of Alfafanar, this monopoly makes all
neighboring countries merely petty fiefdoms, and puts the Kings
firmly in charge of currency and other economic components of
Battal. They also control the Guild of Free Traders for when they want
to seem impartial.
Kings
•
•
•
•
Cedric the Bastard
Selent the Cedricellian
Brian the Fab
William the Straight
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The Allsoul
The Allsoul is a fragment of the Ginormous Soul, an intangible life
force that resides in most inanimate objects. It is this force that
Elemenstors haggle with during the process of transchanting.
Alvin Williams
Alvin Williams is the accountant of Rum Ol’ Phil, the imaginary friend
of Squidgy, the woodworm of Abercrombie, the accidental furniliar of
Semmellhalt, the squire of Doric, the knight of Gimba, the principal lady
of Terle and the first female Terleian. His wacky accounting antics are
considered the chief reason for cutting him, Rum, and Squidy almost
entirely out of Book 6.
Amberberry
A powerful PlantShaman who has the dubious distinction of being
one of the characters taken from Tycho Brahe’s celebrated Elemenstor
Cycle and inserted into Wizbits animation in place of an unrelated
character in the corresponding ElamenSTAR episode.
Amberberry first appeared in Book 4 of the Cycle, Curse of the
Doombane, and rapidly became a fan favourite. She appeared in several
subsequent books, and while never a main character, she was always
ready with some mysteriously infallible advice if an Elemenstor
needed it. In one memorable scene, she was awarded the Order of
the Gloss Varnish Coat after saving a group of wandering Bureau-crats
from an attack by the Shadow Woodworm.
Her popularity made it even harder for readers when in Book 12, End
of the Hierarch Wars, she was captured by a rogue band of War Men led
by the brutal Brezgar Two-Eye. Tragically, despite having allowed
Ekezenthal and Arkazanthal to realise their love for each other by
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sundering the Blossomwand, Amberberry was killed. She died with the
name of her true love, the Chronoartificer Tallant (who she had never
met) on her lips. A minority of fans reacted badly to this scene, but
most felt that it was a fitting sendoff for a beloved character.
Amberberry also died in an episode of The Wizbits Cartoon, though
Book 12 had yet to be written. The specific episode was Death in the
Family: A Very Special Wizbits.
Amberberry’s non-dying appearance in The Wizbits was far less
auspicious. In the episode Bumble Rumble (Part 2) she aided Warchief
Bogg and his (cuddlier) War Men by showing them the goodness in
their own hearts. In addition to being inconsistent with the timeline,
the dialogue in these scenes was simply terrible, and guest voice
actress Sheri Maple did not capture the character that so charmed
fans of the novels.
Fan Art
Anonymous Third Person Observer
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A mysterious man, presumably an Elemenstor, who was revealed to be
narrating Book 3 in a brief mention in chapter 14. Little is known
about the Observer, other than he wears “stylish” clothing and has a
deep resonating voice.
His identity is one of the most hotly-debated topics in ELotH fan
circles today.
Theories on the Observer’s identity
The Observer is Brahe
Many leap to the initial conclusion that the Observer is really none
other than Tycho Brahe himself. The most common objection to this
theory is that Mr. Brahe and the Observer cannot be the same person
for the simple reason that Mr. Brahe’s clothing has never been stylish,
but a little thought dismisses this objection. Mr. Brahe’s clothing
must be stylish from his own perspective, otherwise he wouldn’t wear
it. (Some pedants add that while Brahe’s clothing is indeed strange, it
undeniably has a style of sorts - merely a style with which the modern
world is unfamiliar.)
While, for many, it would be a great let-down from a literary
standpoint if this theory turned out to be accurate, it cannot be
dismissed, due to both popularity and simple lack of evidence to the
contrary.
A poll conducted in mid-2003 showed that roughly 42% of Elemenstormers support this theory.
The Observer is a fictional character
Just over 50% of ELotH fans support one or more of the variations
on this theory. Depending on who you ask, the Observer is:
# a fictionalisation of Brahe. Given how many of us mere fans
have created characters for use in ELotH video-, card and board
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games over the years it would seem naive to assume that Brahe
himself did not have a character of his own. This theory assumes that
Mr. Brahe did what so, so many fan fiction authors did after him and
inserted himself into the story as a character. See Mycho Eharb for the
possible identity of this character.
# a character we are already familiar with. Most people with
beliefs along these lines claim that the Observer is Harbinger Portent or
some other Elemenstor, such as Gendoman Ovelkus. Others suggest a
much more powerful individual, perhaps a Hierach or a Chronosorcellor,
who might have plausibly been familiar with the entire events of Book
3. Of course, it could be practically anybody.
# a character we have not met before.
There is of course the chilling possibility that the Observer is a
fictional character but inhabits a different fictional world entirely, one in
which the Elemenstor Saga is as much fiction to the Observer as it is
to us. Perhaps he is reading Book 3 to another person, or reciting it
from memory. Versions of theories 1 and 3 above can be constructed
along these lines.
See Fictional Author Theory.
The Observer doesn’t exist
Most proponents of this (much less popular) theory suggest that the
Observer is simply a metaphor for the reader or author, and does not
exist, even fictionally. This theory is so thoroughly explicated in
Refractions in the Scattered Light of Metallic Rainbows; A Retrospective Look
at the Artistic Undercurrents of Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Saga and Their
Interplay with New Criticism, Marxist Theory, and the Emergent Domain of
Contemporary Virtue Ethics and Platonic Character Actualization; Or, How I
Learned to Ride Dragons that there is little point in duplicating it here.
What about the rest of The
Elemenstor Cycle?
It is a popular deduction that the entire book series was written from the
first person perspective of the Observer. This is actually an extremely
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handy assumption from a continuity standpoint - again, see Fictional
Author Theory.
The Anti-Climax of Northeastern Crestplains
In Book 3 of Tycho Brahe’s ‘Elemenstor Cycle’ we are treated to an
intriguing sub-plot that loosely associates with the activities of a
rebellious turkey in the Crestplains. The journey of the turkey to the
other end of the yard and back again, then back again, then back
again, is a perfect example of Brahe “in his element” according to
literary critic Charlton C. Mayze.
The Anti-Climax of Northeastern Crestplains brings this sub-plot to
its end in a way that has left many readers, particularly those not
familiar with the ELotH:TES universe, puzzled. The simultaneous
and seemingly coincidental appearance of Nepanor the Nonchalant and
The Daunting Turban takes place in the middle of a sentence following
one of Brahe’s famous reinventions of punctuation and grammar. The
Daunting Turban leaves the rebellious turkey in a “state of elemenstral
discouragement” after which Brahe devotes sixteen pages to
Nepanor’s collapse and subsequent asphyxiation underneath the
Turban.
Antior
The name given to twelve realms region by later historians. The word is
derived from the Vampyre dialect of Bargon IV from a word meaning
“not Portund or the south.”
Apostrophine
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Apostrophine is a legendary semi-precious ore mined from the
depths below G’nth’l, greatest of the Ap’str’ph’ Mountains. It was used
in the creation of R’ll’b’gsw’d and K’x’k’xiqlt The Difficult to Pronounce,
two of the 100 Swords of Sepathok. The metal smelted from the ore is
largely misunderstood and misused, and has lead to fevered disputes
the world over.
Arcadus
A Magistrate Prophet Neighsayer who appears in Book 3. Some say that a
curse spoken by Arcadus is the origins of the name of the webcomic
Penny-Arcade.
The Arcane Elvin Language
The oldest of languages of the Elves, spoken and understood by all
the true members of that noble race, even though none still speak it
as their mother tongue.
Also referred to as the arcane elven language, the arcane elfin language, the
arcane elfen language, and in the arcane language of the elves, Flannt’lwyrre.
Arcane Northern Realms
Emmerging in about year 3,002 (TMSK) rising from the ruins of
farthest norther regions of The Land of Thrown Fish, the area that came
to be known as the Arcane Northern Realms has been the site of
tribal infighting and barbaric turmoil for generation upon generation.
Situated to the north of the chaotic Lands of Va, ancient bloodlines
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crossed swords during a period rife with bloody conflict, mostly
concerning primacy of said bloodlines. On rare occasions, these socalled primitive arseholders would go on adventures, but usually
find nothing but their own deaths, such as during the Great Battle of
Great Unificationess when an entire tribe of Skarhs were consumed by
the armies of the Rhaja Lord.
Mostly isolationish, events in the realm were drawn into affairs
affecting all of Battal during the seventeen final battles in the Battle of The
Very, Very, Very, Very Arcane Northern Realms. In a single evening the
struggles of 20,400 years came to naught as the population of the
Arcane Northern Realms was finally wiped out. Not with a whimper,
but with the explosive self-immolation of a Dark Elemenstrix.
Archibald Almalastor
Archibald Almalastor was one of the greater Elemenstors of his day.
He was a heavy practictioner of the Earth parts of High Elemenstation
and thus had a very strong knowledge of geology, geography and
things of that nature.
One day, while at his research cabin on the Effervescent Lake, he was
visted by the mysterious Dark Master, who introduces himself as
Alfred. After a long and fairly uninteresting conversation about ferns,
mentioned that nobody really understood the bond that Unsunderer,
Harbinger Portent, used to bind The Shield and The Sickle together.
Archibald, always one for overly-complicated and obsessive research,
quickly started to look into this bond, watched over and urged on by
the occasional visit by the Dark Master himself, who also had
questions about ferns whenever he appeared.
After years of research, Archibald managed to discover exactly how
the bond was put together, much to his pleasure. He did not even
think twice in telling this to the Dark Master who, for his own
mysterious reason, told the followers of Char Reyarteb about Archibald’s studies. Quickly seeing evil possibilities in this research, they
attacked and killed Archibald, siezing his incredibly detailed research
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notes, and enacted The Resundering, splitting The Shield and The Sickle
once again.
Although a tremendous amount of energy was unleashed, the power
of the original sundering could not be matched. The Sickle was torn
from The Shield, and the two were seperated by only a few clospecscions. Unforunately, this event of geologic significance left most of the
lands very unstable, and this is considered to be the cause of the
earthquake of 26,780.
Archibald’s research on the geographic and geologic history of Battal
through its various eras produced some of the finest maps of any
period. It is the set of Almalastor Maps that are reproduced in Battal:
Zynthar’s Guide to Traversing and Spelunking Regions A-Z, which are
considered the definative Battal maps.
Archimedes Breakwind
One of the four characters from the Wizbit coloring book. Based on
extremely loosely Myrtle Breakwind, opting for a change of gender.
Familiar: Min the Lesser Wizard.
Archmagi of Eldersbane
An order of magi who live in the Eldersbane of myth and legend. Due
to the perilous living conditions in Eldersbane, by the time the flying
castle makes a definative re-emergence in Battal there is only one
Archmage remaining.
Events surrounding the reappearance of Eldersbane and The
Archmage are chronicled in Book 8.
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Ark Riven
A 13-yr-old boy from Valedaleglenhill and, incidentally, one of the
children of Valedaleglenhill.
His parents were both killed at the site of the new well when
Yamshothog emmerged.
Arkazanthal
Arkazanthal is a powerful Ice Elemenstor known for his penchant for
wearing plaid and for his weapon, the famed Ax of Alternate Spelling.
He is of average height and build, with curly blond hair, freckles, and
glasses. He’s generally rather cheerful and energetic.
He was born in Hambitshire to a lowly peasant and his lowly peasant
wife. Arkazanthal would have been satisfied with this life had
Zuumont and Ekezenthal not passed through on a quest to find the
Blossomwand. Arkazanthal was smitten with the pretty red-headed
Elemenstor and requested that the two take him with them.
Ekezenthal began teaching him the ways of Ice Elemenstation, but when
it became clear that his talent surpassed her own she refused to
continue the lessons. Arkazanthal was crushed, as he really only
wanted lessons in order to be with her.
He discussed his problems with Amberberry, who told him that the
only way Ekezenthal would recognize him as her true love was if the
Blossomwand was sundered. Arkazanthal thus snuck the wand away to
Amberberry while Zuumont and Ekezenthal were sleeping.
With the Blossomwand broken, Ekezenthal realized her love for
Arkazanthal and the two were wed in the most romantic scene in the
entire series.
At some point it is known that Arkazanthal becomes rather finacially
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prosperious and builds a sizable home on the outskirts of Hambitshire,
where he begins a tradition of lavish Welcome Day costume balls.
Arkleaf
A sizable forest dwelling settlement in the Arkenvale of northern
Mandleclang. Arkleaf split itself into The Four Factions to preserve itself
during The Savage Brutality Of The War Men and the Siege of Arkleaf.
Phyllana the High Priestess of Arkleaf called this settlement home.
Arvalyyon
A mysterious kingdom during the era of The Resundering. Home
kingdom of the titular Glaivemistress of Book 13. She refers to it as a
place untouched by war, famine, or strife. This must have been true
because the delicate gleaming crystal armor of the Glaivemistress
could have only been crafted by a kingdom with only a secondhand
knowledge of war craft.
Asana Millytopthought
One of the central characters from Book 8 of Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Cycle.
Atlantistantinople
Consinsting of most of the eastern region of Battal, including
southern Terle, this ancient and mysterious kingdom was said to be
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greatly powerful and muchly advanced, with wise kings, powerful
item guilds, and near limitless wealth.
Little is truly known about the kingdom since few relics exist from
this era, and almost no written record.
During this early time, the level of the eastern sea known as the
Ennumerable Sea was much lower. As a result the eastern lands of
Battal were much greater than they are today. It is estimated that
Battal itself was perhaps 1/3 larger than it is today, and the Sickle was
merely a high plateau in these lands.
Availability
Availability of the series is rather variable, print runs varied considerably based on the sales of the previous book.
Most of the titles are available used from book stores or online sites.
The later titles are still available new from book stores.
Prices vary considerably depending on binding, age and wear.
Published works and availability
Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice (Colloquially, A New Franchise)
Book 1
Generally available in paperback, the sales of the first book were
good and several print runs were made.
Particularly of interest is the first hard back print run, which has a
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small beetle shaped object on page 143.
Although initally thought to be a printing error, this was later found
to be deliberately placed there by the author.
Unfortunately this was only realized after the majority of the print
run had been pulped. Copies of this print run are now collectors
editions and can go for considerable amounts of money.
See also the notes (Book 1) about changes that were made to the
edition that was released after the release of Book 13. Substantial
changes were made to the content and these later copies are generally
sold at a discount against earlier copies which are considered to be
more authentic by collectors.
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Book 2: Dawn of the Dark Shadows (Colloquially, The Elemenstors Strike Back)
Book 2
This book was actually printed after Book 3 and both hard back and
paper back print runs were large thanks to pent up demand for the
details that were previously unavailable.
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Book 3: The Rubion Sword
Book 3
Released in 1997. Originally only 950 copies of this book were
printed in hard back, due to a misplaced decimal point, so hard back
copies are rare and expensive.
The paperback run on the other hand was large, so copies are widely
available.
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Note the extensive appendices which cover the story contained in
Book 2, which was of course published after this title.
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Book 4: Curse of the Doombane
Book 4
Critically unsucessful, relatively few copies were ordered by book
shops.
Copies of this book can still be found for somewhat
inflated prices at most used book retailers and are a
must have for most ELotH:TES fans. see Book 4
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Book 5: The Underpants of the
Underdeep
Book 5
Perhaps one of the best selling titles in the series, reaching number 48
on the NYT best sellers list.
Widely available in both paperback and hardback, prices are relatively
low.
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Book 6: Nightstand|Nightstand’s
Peril
Book 6
Widely available, but look out for poor glue bindings in some
paperback copies.
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Book 7: The Trial at Elddim’s Peak
Book 7
Thanks to the printer’s error (see Book 7), this book experienced
considerable success with buyers in chain book stores looking for a
new fantasy series although a number of copies were destroyed.
Original copies of the first printing, complete with the “chicken and
egg” cover are now quite valuable.
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Book 8: The Archmagi of Elders-
bane
Book 8
Released in 1999. Generally available, but as with book 6 look out for
poor glue and shoddy printing on some copies.
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Book 9: Rise of the Rhjajyept
Book 9
Released in 1999. Relatively few hard back copies were printed after
advanced reader copies were circulated to buyers, the results of which
were not positive, however a second paper back print run was
ordered after sales proved higher than expected.
Relatively widely available in paperback, but not in hard back.
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Book 10: The Hierarch Wars Begin
(Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone
Wild, Vol. I)
Book 10
Available in hard back only as part of a trilogy in leather binding with
gold trim. Expensive and difficult to find. Released in 2001
The paperback copies are more readily available.
Noted for being the first of the series available as an ebook.
However excessively restrictive rights management including the
requirement to submit DNA prior to purchase led to slow sales in
electronic form.
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Book 11: The Hierarch Wars Continue (Colloquially, Elemenstors
Gone Wild, Vol. II)
Book 11
Available in hard back only as part of a trilogy in leather binding with
gold trim. Expensive and difficult to find.
Released in 2001
Reasonably available in paperback
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Book 12: End of the Hierarch Wars
(Colloquially, Elemenstors: Spring
Break ‘2,167) *
Book 12
Available in hard back only as part of a trilogy in leather binding with
gold trim. Expensive and difficult to find. Released in 2001
Widely available in book stores in paper back.
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Book 13: Glaivemistress(es) of Arvalyyon (Colloquially, Was He
Drunk Or What?)
Book 13
Released in 2002 Book 13 probably sold fewer copies than any other
after a limited print run and a release limited to specialized outlets.
While the cover of the first edition says “Glaivemistress,” later editions
pluralize the title (Glaivemistresses), in accordance with Brahe’s
original manuscript, despite the fact that the book only contains one
Glaivemistress.
Some copies are still available.
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is one of the most famous of Sw’ftfl’woots in Sw’ftfl’wootian literature.
It was he who supposedly smote down (with a single blow!) the dam
which blocked the Sw’ftfl’w River during the Vampyric Wars. He
supposedly then either ate the legendary sword, R’ll’b’gsw’d, and shot
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lightning from his nose, or threw it into the river, causing the waters
to taste like plums for a month.
Many are the Sw’ftfl’wootian legends of B’llbr’dsk’. Here follow a few
of them.
B’llbr’dsk’ hated Vampyres, and he was half-Vampyre himself! And he
hated irony!
B’llbr’dsk’ is the father of every Sw’ftfl’wootian on the east shore!
He sweats mead! And his toenails are used as currency in Mandleclang!
B’llbr’dsk’ once inhaled a bat and sneezed out the pieces in the shape
of little flowers!
He brushes his teeth with a falchion and rock salt.
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The legends vary similarly on the topic of how exactly he died, or if
he ever even did. Some fans suspect that the ‘woots may have on
occasion confused the identities of B’llbr’dsk’ and S’yrf’yl the Immortal.
The actual events of the destruction of Lake Adhnaten are not directly
described in The Twilight Vampyres, which immediately follows
Vhadxi’s anger at the negligence of his troops with the celebration of
the Sw’ftfl’woots and their exhortations of B’llbr’dsk’.
Bag of Tender Holding
“I’m scared, bag. Hold me. Hold me tight.”—Serafina
Haberdasheron, Book 5: Underpants of the Underdeep
The Bag of Tender Holding appears to be a standard bag, but
when one approaches it with problems, the bag will open itself
emotionally, and will hold that person reassuringly until such time as
they feel “all better.”
Serafina Haberdasheron had a Bag of Tender Holding in Book 5,
turning to it frequently, but the Bag was not even mentioned in Book
6, presumably as part of Mr. Brahe’s attempt to distance the two
novels.
There is an unsurprisingly large ammount of highly-inappropriate
Serafina and Bag of Tender Holding Fan Art.
Bag of the Endless Void
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The Bag of the Endless Void was introduced in The Rubion Sword,
where it was held by Bendloyer Felkin. It doesn’t hold anything (as
Felkin explains, in a phrase that ended up on bumper stickers, Tshirts, and even cross-stitch patterns, “It’s already full of an Endless
Void; I don’t think there’s room for my matches as well!”)
Felkin loans the bag to Gavment Rayling about halfway through the
book (on the theory that you never know when you’ll need an
Endless Void), and the Bag of the Endless Void is then not mentioned for several books, presumably because Brahe forgot about it.
It’s next seen in The Hierarch Wars Begin, dangling from the belt of a
tapdancing armoire. After the usual trials and tribulations, the Bag is
lost forever . . . until The Glaivemistresses of Arvalyyon, when some
scholars believe there is an attempt to describe the bag solely through
an all-vowel tone poem.
In Wizbits Elemenstor Battle: The CCG, the Bag of the Endless Void
was printed as an Alpha Uncommon in the Tales of the Wang Mountains
expansion, and then unprinted in Melodies and Rhapsody.
Baltor the Upright
Wasted Elemenstor and deadly assassin.
see also : Killer Black
Banachronation
Banachronations are a class of Elemenstation that allow Chronosorcellors
to send themselves backwards through the streams of time. Banachronation is known for its vast potential power and its rigid
consistency in failing to have any lasting consequence whatsoever.
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The reason for banachronations’ complete and total inconsequence is
a matter of no small controversy. The prevailing theory, currently
believed to have been proposed by Master Chronosorcellor Fyar
Duliec (who may soon/already has usurp(ed) Yar the Sorcerial’s place as
progenitor of timesorc’ley), states that a Chronosorcellor may only
banachronate in order to attempt to nullify the affects of another
Chronosorcellor’s banachronation. The second banachronating
Sorcellor’s effects on the time stream entirely cancels out the effects
of the first. Until recently, views were also divided on the source of
the original banachronation, which, it was presumed, was performed
without cancelling out the effect of another. This idea was largely
disspelled when Fyar Duliec claimed that the Byar-Coynkadence
conjecture was going to be proved true. Roughly, this conjecture
postulated that there was never an original banachronation, and that
all banachronations are in response to another banachronation.
Presumably, series of banachronations form into ‘closed simply
connected smooth manifold-countours’ in which each person in the
loop nullifies the banachronation of the person next in the loop, who
nullifies the next person’s effects, and so on and so forth until the
‘last’ person nullifies the banachronation of the ‘first’, thus completely nullifying the effects of every banachronation within the loop.
Much of this information is revealed in Book 11 when the Chronoclave,
secretly spurred on by Fyar Duliec, detains Yar the Sorcerial (later
retconned to be one of his Chronoclones).
Banachronation was also a card in the Collectable Card Game.
The Baren Swamplands of Yore
The Baren Swamplands of Yore are home to the Pictoratice, a fierce
beast of legend. The Swamplands are the only place where the
treasured Flower of Eternal Slumber can be found.
Once a great city called Yore during The Magic Sword Kings Period, it was
a shining beacon of all that is mighty. Although, it’s inhabitants were
not the most scholarly, the great city’s strength was known throughout the land.
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Some say that the Baren Swamplands of Yore was named after their
original leader Baren Lothrin, others say that it was their lack of
intelligence which lead to the misspelling of barren.
The Baren Swamplands of Yore are situated on the southern portion
of The Shield, In the olde region of Shadia.
Barven Valori
Furniliar that was Furnipated by Persephalous during Book 6. It was not
until Barven’s death at the hands of Baltor the Upright (AKA Killer
Black) during The Scolding of Persephalous that his secret was revealed.
Persephalous had Furipated Barven so that they could be lovers
without guilt. He still felt that guilt and had taken to putting love
notes in Barven’s drawers, hoping to keep them hidden. When Baltor
the Upright (AKA Killer Black) killed Barven, Persephalous’ notes flew
out.
Barven died looking into the face of his human lover, weeping
inhuman tears.
Touching... but creepy.
Bathtub Furniliars
Generally considered a rarity if not outright mythological, Bathtub
Furniliars did not play any known role in the history of Battal until
around the time of the Hierarch Wars. For the most part, prior to the
Hierarch Wars Bathtub Furniliars were mentioned almost exclusively
in jest.
This is because, as those few who actually had encountered a true
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Bathtub Furniliar could attest, Bathtub Furniliars always come across
as mentally and emotionally unstable. This should not be taken to
imply that they were considered dangerous like their Nightstand
brethren; rather, those few Bathub Furniliars in existence clearly
lacked some vital piece of sentience, as though the Stream Elemenstation and Transchanting used to animate them didn’t quite finish the
Bathtub’s mind.
The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 3 briefly introduces an unnamed and offkilter Bathtub Furniliar, but it is not until Book 11 that the terrible
truth regarding Bathtub Furniliars is uncovered by the Elemenstor
Zuumont.
What Zuumont Learned Spoiler
Warning
In Book 11, the Elemenstor Zuumont travels to Myrkmoom because he
has been hearing unsettling rumors about the ultimate fate of some
of his missing comrades; specifically, most of their bathtubs have
gone missing as well. It is there that he encounters the Dark
Elemenstrix Kapybara and her Dark Toilet Table Furniliars along with a
confirmation of his worst fears—the presence of a large number of
Bathtub Furniliars.
Before the battle (which Zuumont barely survives) ensues, the canny
Elemenstor manages to elicit a boastful monologue from Kapybara in
which she reveals the ancient secrets of the Bathtub Furniliars. First,
she explains that for some unfathomable ( or perhaps -Unspeakable- )
reason, Transchanting a Bathtub Furniliar always results in Furniliars
that are deeply and irrepairably emotionally flawed. Each is flawed in
its own unique way, depending upon what sort of abuses were
heaped upon the tub prior to its Transchanting; some are frighteningly
preoccupied with the various kinds of filth poured down their drains,
others exhibit a disturbing capacity for voyeuristic perversions, still
others express a vague and frightening desire simply to “be filled.”
These flaws run so deep as to cripple the Bathtub Furniliars mentally
as well as leave them with the emotional maturity of a small child.
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This oddity was noticed but considered innocuous by Elemenstors for
millenia. What went unnoticed—as much by the Bathtub Furniliars
themselves as by the Elemenstors who created them—was that
Transchanting a bathtub always resulted in the creation of a Free
Furniliar. Whether this was a side-effect of the Furniliar’s diminished
mental capacity or just another bizarre exception to the usual ruleset,
Kapybara could not or would not say.
What she would say was that, through careful and often personally
degrading manipulation of their damaged emotions, Kapybara had
won the devotion of every Bathtub Furniliar she could find. She had
then instructed them to infiltrate the washrooms of her most
powerful enemies and drown, crush, or outright swallow those who
opposed her. In exchange for this service, she promised the Bathtub
Furniliars unlimited indulgence in their various fetishes.
Zuumont realized that, even though the Bathtub Furniliars were not
Dark Furniliars in the truest sense, they had fallen under the influence
of Carry and Dark Elemenstation despite the Stream that animated them.
With much sadness in his heart for his lost friends and for the
tragedy of the fallen Furniliars, Zuumont destroyed them and fled.
Forever after, children across Battal expressed a healthy, measured,
and rational fear that in the act of taking a bath, they might get
sucked down the drain.
Other Appearances of Bathtub
Furniliars
It is worth noting that a voyeuristic Bathtub Furniliar was the focus
of the ElamenSTAR episode “A Hot Bath.” Although many of the
canonical shortcomings were accurately depicted in this episode,
purists complain at some length that this episode downplayed the
deep tragedy of Bathtub Furniliars by oversimplifying their plight.
The ending was considered particularly offensive when Zula “helped”
the Furniliar by acknowledging its “crush” on her and explaining that
while she couldn’t requite the Bathtub’s “love,” she would still like to
be its friend.
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Battal
History of the Geography
The world in which the Elemenstor sagas take place. It was sundered
into three parts (The Shield, The Sickle, and the Cataclysmic Bluont) by
the Eldritch Rift during the conflict between Zonard, last of the line of
the Magic Sword Kings, and Yar the Sorcerial.
Battal was remade by the Unsunderer, Harbinger Portent, though he
himself was struck down by his pupil, the malevolent Char Reyarteb
during The Unsundering. The world slowly repaired itself during the
Century of Fire, during which time Char unleashed his ferocious War
Men to conquer the reformed world.
The land was Sundered again due to the machinations of the Dark
Master, but this time the sundering was not too terrible.
The Names of the Lands
The Lands of Battal and the land mass itself are referred to by many
names throughout the saga. Different races and languages call it by
different things, and over time new terms become fashionable as old
terms fall away. The term Battal itself was widely used by the speakers
of plaincommon as early as the year -31,348, where it was found
written on many ancient monuments.
The Elves call battal Shik’leSeal’d in their Arcane Elvin Language, the
Dwarves call it Battaaalj, the War Men call it Hichoba (presumed to
have its roots in the War Man concept of Hiki’Chognog’a’Hab’a).
The Magic Sword Kings often called Battal The Lands, The
Landworld and other land variations and conotations. Often in
writings it is called The Old Place and All of Rounders Kingdoms
(archaic). Additionally, some old writing still followed the traditions
and referred to Battal as The Magic Sword Kingdom, even as a reference
to Battal after the end of that period.
Other names, such as The Shielded Country, Hopewell, World
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Country, Lands of Battle, The Greater Island, and curiously
Bobadise, have enjoyed some level of common acceptance.
Kingdoms of Battal
The history of Battal is long, and many nations have risen and fallen.
Below is the list as compiled by cartographic scholar Archibald
Almalastor, which is considered to be quite good.
The First Battal
After the Darkstorm wracked the four vales and combined them into
the existing world, the lands of Battal formed. Coming into the
familiar shape the lands were divided into four regions that each had
a correspondence with one of the vales in which the Hierarchs had
existed for so long.
The Four First Kingdoms
•
•
•
•
Northern Vale in the north
Lavatoria in the west
Atlantistantinople in the east
Broken Lands in the south
Battal of the Magic Sword Kings
This was the time of rise of the mighty Twelve Realms of Antior. In
addition to these legendary realms, other kingdoms existed.
The Kingdoms
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
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Mandleclang
K’th’ith’h
The Kingdom of Parsonya
Shadia
The Kingdom of Yymp
Ithbarg II
Ithbarg
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
The Enigmatic Land of Thrown Fish
Blee
Graha
Kelembad
The Vampyre Kingdom
Portund
Morlond’s Field
Alfafanar
To Be Continued...
Maps
HERE is a Battal map from just before The Sundering. Not all location
names are yet in place, due to the fact that this map is reconstructed
from canonical maps which were in varied states of disarray when
pieced together. I will fix this as I can, pulling from texts and other
maps I can scrounge up on ebay. -ewige
HERE is a map of Battal post The Unsundering, which shows evidence
of the sloppy work of Harbinger Portent in the formation of Mount Wor.
Again, I’m still placing names.
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Battal as it appeared in textbooks after the Unsundering.
*バタル
Battal Adventures
Summary
Not actually fan-fiction, Battal Adventures is a “total conversion
mod” (complete modification) for the computer role-playing game
“Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind”, under development since 2002 by a
group of dedicated fans. The goal of this ambitious project is to
recreate the entire world of Battal as many as 13 times, each representing the world at the end of each book. Players can travel through
the ages using the power of timesorc’ley, and will visit familliar
locations and meet all the main and many minor characters from the
books, and enjoy loads of new fan-created content.
A beta version released in July 2004 contained the city of Middleclang
as it appears in Book 10, though most interiors are unfinished and
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there’s only a handful of Non-Player Characters. The current status
of the project is unknown.
Timeline
Battal Adventures spans the entire Elemenstor Cycle.
Battle of Firthmore Loch
So, in the dim and silence they crept. Moonblades by
their sides, flashing and gleaming in the starlight.
Thus begins the Battle of Firthmore Loch of the seventeen final
battles that complete Book 12.
Battle of Foelttabeht
“O Wendy is all wet, poor basket”, Toobanor wailed, wringing
his hands.
”Wendy’s seldom dry”, the mattress remarked.
”She draggled all her lacquer coating, coming through the lye!”
Toobanor went on, ignoring the other furniliar.
- Toobanor the Elemenstor and Louis the Mattress
discuss the return of Wendy the Ornamental Basket
from the Lye Pits of Foelttabeht. (The Elemenstor Cycle,
Book 12 : End of the Hierarch Wars)
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“Awe, fie ‘gin e’we kin kell Char thoose teem,”
muttered Guddboy obtundly, to no one in particular.
Ron hushed his father as they stepped;;; out into the
grey-blue predawn light, the sabulous soil crunching
beneath their boots.
In the distance;;;;; the turrical peaks of gangue rock
demarcated the stronghold of Char Reyarteb. They
picked their way through the tamarisk and down the
trail to meet up with the others, and their ephemeral
destiny.
- The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 12 : End of the Hierarch
Wars
The Epic battle in which the evil Char Reyarteb is finally defeated by
Ronard the Medium. The battle is described in Book 12.
It was in this final battle that the forces of good made their most
final, climactic, and cataclysmic stand of their seventeen final, climactic,
and cataclysmic stands against the forces of Char Reyarteb.
During the epic struggle on the battlefield, the Elemenstors were
fought to the point of exhaustion. Several characters beloved by
readers are killed. Baroness Sekulantra plunges over a waterfall. Guddboy
Lad is slain - but Ronard, son of the late Guddboy Lad and Sierra Vanity
still remained to lead the forces of good onward and avenge his
parents’ deaths.
At the height of the battle, then, Ronard and Char Reyarteb met face to
face on the scorched plains of destruction. Ronard was bested by Char
Reyarteb, and it appeared all was lost. It was then, when Char Reyarteb
was preparing to deliver the coup de grace on his all-but-defeated
foe, that the Dragoon Knights of Wyvernclaw Mountain swooped down on
the battlefield from out of the sun and saved Ronard, who then slayed
Char Reyarteb in a moment of surprise. This thus ended Reyarteb’s bid
to make it to the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow where he was planning on
summoning his old ally MooMaa the Dyemon Ghost.
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After the battle, the Elemenstors swore that they could find no trace
of Reyarteb’s spirit, so it was believed that he was finally truly
defeated.
This claim is dubious at best, as Reyarteb was known for his nearimmortality. It’s more likely the Elemenstors just sort of gave up after
trying for five minutes or so. Most of them were preoccupied with
the aftermath of the battle (mourning and looting and such; mostly
looting).
Battle of Mort
The Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor gathered in a tight
pack, spearmen bracing for the charge coming from
overhead. As the Gorthmaugs circled ever closer, their
chant descended with them:
”We’re the Gorthmaugs and we’re here to say
That our wolf-man rivalry is here to stay
And unless you bash us up but good
You’ll wish you’d just been boys so good
And kept out of our deadly lands
We now proceed to eat your hands!”
”Omg, what is that?” Mordichai stammered, keeping his
jingle close at hand.
”That is the ancient war-tongue of the Gorthmaugs—
what they call the Phon’q,” said Silvermane said between
grit teeth. “It means they are three steps ahead of us.”
He raised his blade. “I can say only this: there’s going
to be rotary tillers of Gorthmaugs coming this way.”
One of the major combats of Book 11. The grand combat between
the Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor and their rivals, the Gorthmaugs,
to determine weather the Gorthmaugs would side with Char Reyarteb
or the desparate Elemenstors out to defeat him. The brutal combat
took up an entire chapter, with the tactical genius of the mighty treedwellers clashing with the off-the-cuff ingenuity and their compli127
ment of Elemenstors. though they fought hard, the Wolf Men
seemed destined for a loss.
Then, to try and get his bravery up, Mordichai jingled his jingle, and
found that the Gorthmaugs were beginning to make missteps. After
measuring their beat, Mordichai countered it with one of his own,
and soon their foes were rushing in a confused mass; disoriented, the
Wolf Men easily sprung back and took the day. Out of respect for
their bravery, brilliant catch-up, and an ancient oath, the Gorthmaugs
joined the company in battle against the returning Char Reyarteb.
Some have wondered why the battle between the two was called the
Battle of Mort. In truth, Mort was the name of one of the Epic Wolf
Men, and had his name drawn out of the helmet. Thus was the battle
named in his honor, and because they didn’t have the standard prize
for a Wolf Man post-battle drawing (a new hat).
The Battle of Mort was continued in Book 12, as the Gorthmaugs
storm the hordes of Lizardmen tearing up from the earth. The
resulting combat was set to a beat so phon’q-laden it would be known
forever as Phon’q Battle 23: Bring On The Noise, Bring On The Phon’q
among the Gorthmaugs.
In the text, it is stated that 3,895,074 Gorthmaugs were slaughtered in
this battle.
The Battle of Splinters
A dark figure stood ominously before the band of
Elemenstors. The figure shimmied right and left, an
ambulator cupboard obviously, but one unknown to
Talvin who stepped forward. It was not until a cloud of
bat-mice suddenly burst forth from a top cabinet that
his suspicions were confirmed. “Cubby?” He asked
tentatively.
The fifth of the seventeen final battles that ended the Hierarch Wars.
128
Noted for the resurrection of Cubby, and the fact that so many
furniliars were destroyed that it was impossible to walk barefoot across
the battlefield afterwards and not get a mean splinter in your foot.
After their stinging defeat at the first of the final seventeen battles of
the Hierarch Wars - the Battle of the Moonlit Banners - the forces of
good had achieved one victory (the Battle of Mort), several indecisive
showdowns, and one battle that nobody was even sure really
happened (The Battle of The Six Undoings and Five Redoings). At the
Battle of Splinters, though, another indisputable decisive victory was
achieved by the forces of good...although obviously not decisive
enough since 12 more final battles still remained to be fought.
As usual, the battle went poorly for the forces of good at first, and it
appeared that Char Reyarteb’s forces, led by the terrible Ambulatator,
were going to break through the Elemenstor line. It was only through
the desparate actions of a young upstart Elemenstor named Toran that
victory was won.
Somehow, Toran had managed to learn the ancient esoteric art of Refurnilisation, which had been long sensoared by the High Elemenstation
authorities, and in the desparation of the battle, decided he had
nothing to lose by using it. He therefore resurrected the remains of
Cubby the Cupboard, which he had acquired through a local antique
dealer. Cubby, having been dormant for many years, was suffering
from terrible re-furnilisation sickness upon being resurrected, and
immediately went berzerk, attacking and destroying the first thing he
saw. Luckily the first thing he saw was The Ambulatator. These actions
later caused the Elemenstation authorities to reevaluate their stance
on Re-furnilisation after the battle, and consequently approve it’s use
under certain circumstances.
How Toran actually came into possession of the remains of Cubby in
the first place is not entirely clear, and a source of some debate. What
we do know is that Cubby was destroyed in Book 6 saving Felthar and
Serafina Haberdasheron from the terrible Nightstand unleashed by Gorg
Stinkrot. After that, we know simply that Cubby’s remains were
reconstituted by a carpenter at some point, and that he then ended up
being purchased and sold amongst antique-collecting old people for many
years before finally coming into the possession of Toran prior to the
start of Book 12.
Also See: List of Sensoared Spells and Gears
129
Battle of the Moonlit Banners
High on the Galvords they rode, into the friscalating
dawn
Thus begins the first of seventeen final battles that complete Book 12.
Leading the charge was none other than Baltor the Upright (AKA Killer
Black) he and a band of Wasted Elemenstors charged the High Elemenstors and swiftly fought back the Chair Brigade. Though long, the battle
was not without its heroes. Young Talvin Atwhistle and Cherum Ullali,
both High Elemenstors, survived a vicious onslaught and slew Baltor the
Upright, thereby forcing the remaining Wasted Elemenstors into a
retreat.
The following evening, there came a suprise attack and Cherum was
killed. Talvin escaped. Both sides were left demoralized and nearly
exhausted. In was in this surprise attack that Sierra Vanity was also
killed, having been betrayed by several of her most trusted Elemenstors
in a plot devised by the Dark Elemenstrix Kapybara. Ironically, Sierra
Vanity’s death occured mere hours after she had learned of her true
lineage.
The fighting soon came to a swift stop at the intervention of Malthor
Kratosia, who was believed dead.
Battle of Windfield Plains
Battle known for the number of Furniliars smashed to shards.
This sets the stage for the Battle of Furniliar Shards, which was fought
primarily with these shards.
This battle and the Battle of Splinters saw the worst loses of Funiliars,
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and many beloved pieces were lost in this fights, including tragically
Montgomery Sofa and Juliette Floor Lamp (the R2-D2 and C-3PO of the
series)
Fought on the flat windy fields of the Windfield Plains.
Battlestaff
A Battlestaff is described in Book 1 of The Elemenstor Cycle as being
“...on the whole, 3 naughts in length, with a diameter of two
knucklebones.” (Brahe;1 48) Composed of a material known as
elendendium, which is nearly indestructible and is harvested from the
Forests of Misery, these staffs, in theory, are used to channel eldritch
forces and command the power of gods. In practice, however, they
are used in a similar manner to any other quarterstaff—that is to say,
for hitting small children and baby seals, as well as leaning upon and
holding in powerful-looking poses. A compendium of famous
battlestaff-related poses can be found in the second volume of Kinlo’s
vastly underrated “Weapons and Tactics of the Cohoris.”
The discipline of the battlestaff as a weapon was first codified by the
Cohoris.
It is considered unfortunate that “battlestaff” is also used as a mild
pejorative within Alfafanar.
Elemenstors have to recharge their battlestaffs daily. They don’t do it
too much, as it can make you go blind.
Upon reaching the rank of High Elemenstor, most upgrade their
battlestaff to a Elemenstave.
Battlestaff-Related Poses
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Without the art of posing, a battlestaff is as simple as a staff. While
the following poses are gleaned from a careful reading of the (vastly
overrated) Weapons and Tactics of the Cohoris, they should not be taken
alone as instruction through which the reader may safely proceed to
battle.
•
•
•
•
•
Pose Ha: With feet at shoulder’s width, place staff in righthanded mid-grip, and heft it towards the sky (or ceiling) at a
thirty-degree angle. The left hand may be clenched or made
into an easily reproduced wedge, as suits the situation.
Pose Ke: Similar in execution to Pose Ha, with the addition
of a left-handed ‘Demon’s Own Horns,’ pointing toward
the ‘business’ end of the staff.
Pose Oho: In truth a two-pose move, the wielder should
follow a target-oriented spin of the staff with a turn into the
opposing hand, leaving the battlestaff positioned behind the
back, parallel to the ground (or floor).
Pose Cha: Lift staff above head parallel to ground, gripping
with both hands, shoulder-width apart. If desired, staff can
be shaken vertically. Works best when standing atop tall
rock formation with lightning in background.
Pose Te: A pose of rest, announcement, or concentration,
all of which are key in executing other poses. Clutch the top
nob of the staff in your right hand, then lean on it, using the
staff to support your weight.
The Bay of Cream
The Bay of Cream is a trading port that produces much of the wealth
of The Sickle. It is at the mouth of both the Yellow River and the White
River, as well as having the castle-city of Teisti. Whoever sits in the
Throne of Cream is monarch of the entire region, leading to a complicated progression of intrigue-based musical chairs driven by Lord
Hopebane during the Tides of Epic Conflict Saga.
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The Bay of Cream is also host to a group of Dolphinthropes that act as
familiars for the users of Water Elemenstation by the time of The
Resundering.
It is discovered in Book 11 that the Bay is composed of the third form
of elemental water: White Water.
BBBBandana, Apocalyptica
The BBBBandana, Apocalyptica is a most cursed headwear. Much
like the not-to-be-confused-with AAAApocalyptic Bandana, the
BBBBandana, Apocalyptica will lead its wearer to believe that they
can see the future. In truth the wretched scalp cloth will only delude
its donner with visions of failure. Those unlucky enough to have
worn the BBBBandana, Apocalyptica report spirit crushing nightmares where they fail to attain their heart’s true desire by the
slimmest of margins.
Origin
Legend holds that the BBBBandana, Apocalyptica was forged by
Theoric the Eversnide for the Chronoclave’s holiday white elephant gift
exchange.
References in the Saga
In Book 11 of The Elemenstor Saga there is a poster in Chronoclave
headquarters displaying the BBBBandana, Apocalyptica that reads
“An Example of Inappropriate White Elephant Gifts.”
Beef
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“This is the best I’ve ever eaten! Seriously, this gravy... to die
for! And oh, are those WATER CHESTNUTS!? I LOVE
water chestnuts!”
Gorg Stinkrot, Book 6: Nightstand’s Peril
Beef is a staple food in Battal. Most of itcomes from the Quilp, as they
slaughter plenty of cows and are forbidden to eat their meat; it is
transported in Ice-enchanted wagons keeping the meat safe for
consumption, another feather in the cap of Ice Elemenstors.
Bendloyer Felkin
Official Information
A bumbling Stream Elemenstor, about whom little canonical information exists. The known information covers the fact that he somehow
came into possession of the Soul Prison of Xoxor Xxar, which is known
to have passed from Zenethir Foulblade, to Orphenna Troughberry, and
then to Bendloyer Felkin.
At a rather awkward school function, Bendloyer drops the container,
which he had been carrying throughout the story. The soul of Xoxor
Xxar, once released, swiftly flies back to its sleeping body, entombed
below Old Karpithon. It is here that Bendloyer passes out of canon.
Fan Fiction
The fan short story The Felkin Game attempts to justify Bendloyer’s possession of the Soul Prison in a rather “unconventional”
method. The story posits that Bendloyer started life as the young girl
Orphenna Troughberry, who went through a bit of an identity crisis
during the period after her father died.
It is known from Book 2 that Orphenna takes the cracked and broken
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container from the cabin of Zenethir Foulblade. In the fan fiction, she
and the mysterious vessal are frozen for several yearicles atop Mount
Windice. The story then picks up just after she was discovered by a
few hikers. After being revived, Orphanna surprisingly decides to
have a sex change operation and finds her (his?) true self by enlisting
in the Cerulean Citadel, training ground for budding Elemenstors
under the name Bendloyer Felkin.
The lack of any further epic contributions by Bendloyer in Book 3 is
justified as, regrettably, being similar to the fate of many a child star.
According to the story, his final 15 minutes come in Book 3, where he
gives council to Gavment Rayling and introduces the much-beloved
poem The Bravery of the Doomed. It is possible that the anonymous bard
in Book 3 was Bendloyer as this is one of the least far fetched of the
theories put forth by The Felkin Game.
Further “proof” is offered by the author of this work, pointing out
that in the Wizbits Elemenstor Battle CCG: the set which contains the
Bendloyer Felkin (Card) and the Dark Doomblade (Card) also contains a
Sex Change (Card).
Bertus Tanklebing
Professor at the Institute Of Accoutermentia. He taught Serafina Haberdasheron and Felthar.
As a joke he told Felthar that Serafina’s favorite pie filling was
Toadvomit.
Bibee
“Look at yourself, Tribbit! Gaze inward and for just a
moment try to see yourself the way the world sees you;
the way I see you. You are a useless, pathetic parcel of
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saggy flesh and brittle bone. You’re nothing but a
filthy Mucksucker, and not a very good one at that.”
-Bibee the Pixlie to Horatio in Tycho Brahe’s Elementsor
Cycle Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice (TFMW)
Rickett’s and Toby’s Guide (Volume 11) describes the personality of
Pixlie’s as “lively, energetic, good-natured, mischevious and extremely
annoying”. It’s safe to say however, that R&T were not describing
Bibee. Though it’s never quite explained in TFMW just how long
Bibee was trapped beneath the posterior Wargnle plate of Duke
Alfamarma, it has been estimated to be somewhere between 100 and
5000 years. Regardless of the duration, the time spent trapped inside
the plate, encompassed in a putrid mix of congealed Dooblegnard sweat
and the mud-caked algae of The Dank would be enough to drive any
creature to the brink of insanity. By the time she was freed from her
gelatinous prison by the unsuspecting Mucksucker Horatio, Bibee’s
mind was a twisted portrait of rage and despair.
“FREE! Free am I from the vile, the putrid, the
wretched stink of the beast’s folds! No longer sleeping
in a filthy bed of oozing refuse;
no longer waking to the sounds of my own vomiting!
And to whom do I owe the favor of my freedom... A
whelp of a Tribbit. I wonder if perhaps I can still fit
beneath the scale...”
-Bibee, upon being freed by Horatio
Black Flame
One of The Eight Elemental Constructs introduced in the last three
books of the series, Black Flame is not introduced until Book 11.
Many speculate that the character was an ill-advised and poorlyimplemented attempt to simultaneously increase the appeal of the
series among African Americans and homosexuals.
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Black Flame is given only a minor role and then extinguished by the
quickly discovered “new element” of White Water. This “new”
element supposedly completes the trifecta of “water-ice-something
else” proposed by Gordel, High Elemenstor of Elementics.
The character was criticized by the NAACP, Human Rights Campaign and countless others.
The introduction of Black Flame is broadly considered one of the
lowest points of the series, a tragic combination of total ineptitude
and unscrupulousness on the part of the publisher and author(s?).
Kinloboy advocates of the Single Author Theory suggest that the
character was deployed ironically by Brahe as an ad absurdum
reduction of marching orders he was recieving from Multigame Corp,
which was also attempting to re-invigorate sales of Realmworlds
Delicous Freezees. To them, Brahe was implying that superficial and
manipulative attempts at inclusiveness as part of a marketing program
necessarily insult those to whom they supposedly appeal. Most think
this is too convoluted an explanation for something that just sucks.
Tragically notable quote:
Whazzup? I can’t cool down the fire of my desire.
Can’t a brutha get some luv? ~ Black Flame in Book 11
Blee
Blee is one of the twelve realms of The Magic Sword Kings Period. Since its
destruction in 1003, it is also called the Ruins of Blee.
History
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Blee was destroyed during the Vampyric Wars in year 1003, when the
kingdom’s capital was thoroughly sacked, and all buildings razed. The
tales of Blee’s final days are detailed in the novella The Last Days of
Blee. This includes the story of the last desperate attempt by the
kingdoms of Kelembad, Graha, Mandleclang, and Blee to unite to meet
the Vampyric threat. Also told is the tale of a spunky Tribbit named
Goldimaris who lived on the streets of the capital city and gave hope
to the palace guards by bringing wreaths of Raggamuni Flowers and ripe
red Pearcicles. Who can forget the tragic ending when she sacrifices
herself in a futile final attempt to save the last free pallisade?
Geography
Along the western border of Blee are the Wang Mountains, the tallest
peak of which is Mt. Wang. Blee has a long coast line to the east along
the Ennumerable Sea and Blee’s ports made the nation rich from trade
in salt and natron.
Central Blee is dominated by the Grasslands of Blee where the wild Eops
roam.
It should be noted that although Mt. Wang was technically part of the
Wang Mountains of Blee, the Wang Kingdom was not officially part of
the Twelve Realms, but rather a separatist cult.
In southern Blee there once stood a gigantic statue known in all the
lands as The Giant of Blee. Now all that remains in the base of the
statue, and the left leg. Still, the remaining piece of the monument is
twenty stories tall, and the highest point in the area.
Places
•
•
Flongstake
Grinswood Lake
Notable Figures
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•
•
•
Fantasmaphila
Goldimaris
Captain Archstone
Blood
The Blood discipline of Dark Elemenstation is by far the most
common of the Three Evils, mainly because it requires little practice
and even less mastery of an otherwise extremely tricky practice. A
Blood-type Dark Elemenstor is a valuable asset to any Trinity of UnLight, as his ability to raise the dead and control the living can give
evil a potent edge. That this power is counterbalanced by constant
nosebleeds and immense flatulence is considered by most Blood
Elemenstors to be “a small price to pay”.
Blood Elemenstation is the source to most forms of undead and
infurnal magic. Most Death elemenstors that animate the dead are
actually relying on a hybridization of Blood and Death elemenstation.
Also, some elemenstors believe that a Nightstand furniliar requires
some minimal mastery of Blood elemenstation to animate, and as such
are quite suspicious of claims where such a monster is created
“accidentally”. Because of such multidisciplinary approaches, the
number of Blood elemenstors is underreported. Blood Elemenstation
is only minimally useful on it’s own, and is generally used in tandem
with one of the four secondary Elements for the creation of abominations. On its own, the primary use of Blood is in mind control of both
living and animated beings.
In the CCG, this ability is reflected in the Black Blood ability, which
forces an opponent to return his strongest card to his deck. Of
course, the cost of fourteen Secession points makes this ability
almost prohibitively expensive, and is eschewed by more experienced
players.
note: not to confused with blood (biological element)
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Blossomwand
Not a true magic Wand, but rather an enchanted conductors baton.
The Blossomwand had the ability to magically lift items at which it
was pointed, but also had an enchantment that the person who first
used it would be unable to develop strong emotional attachment.
When the Blossomwand was destroyed, the effects of its enchantment were dispelled.
Bodice Bane
Introduced in Book 8. The ship of rogueish, ebony-eyed pirate
Manwich St Meatily. The setting for numerous twilight adventures.
Bom
The end table furniliar of Sotar Olderndirt. He accompanied Sotar to
Wang’s Peak and aided him in his struggle against the War Men in Book
4. After Sotar’s unforunate death, Bom was ultimately sold off and
refinished after wandering into an auction house, ending the
enchantment that gave him life.
Review of ‘The Elemenstor
Cycle, Book 3: The Rubion
Sword’ by Charlton C. Mayze
With The Elemenstor Cycle, Book 3: The Rubion Sword, the
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eccentric Tycho Brahe takes fantasy literature to what
can only be called a new level. Undaunted by what he
calls the “artificial establishment” of chronology and
logic, he challenges both the conventions of the genre
and the mental and physical endurance of the reader.
In this light, comparing The Rubion Sword to any other
work of literature is nearly impossible. I was left
wondering if a literary critic such as myself is at all
equipped to analyze a book like this. Perhaps the task
should have been assigned to a psychiatrist or
(SNIP. Mayze rambles on about irrelevant stuff for the rest of the
paragraph, so I just omitted it.)
Throughout the book, Brahe demonstrates an uncanny
ability to draw the reader into the tedium and despair
of his characters. A thirteen-page account of a turkey
milling about in the yard, followed by a sixteen-page
suffocation scene, is a perfect example of the author in
his element. The book also features a generous
amount of Brahe’s colorful poetry, including a poem
called ‘The Bravery of the Doomed’ which, read in its
entirety, is enough to drive anyone into a state of
hysteria.
(SNIP. More rambling.)
Admittedly, The Rubion Sword leaves a lasting impression. I’ll go as far as to call it an unforgettable read.
Like so many unwanted memories, The Rubion Sword
stays with you forever.
This somewhat controversial review is very long and contains a lot of
irrelevant rambling about things the critic does not seem to under141
stand very well. I only included the parts that are either commonly
quoted or of general interest. -Belda
Borold Gravelsnot III
Borold Gravelsnot III is best known for his surprise appearance in
Book 6 which fans enjoyed. Nobody knew about it beforehand, and
many remarked it was the first time in years that they viewed the
book series with anything other than jaded disapproval. His appearance in Book 6 was, in fact, decidedly brief. A few fans believe Tycho
Brahe simply ran out of character names, as Borold’s actions seem
entirely out of character.
ELotH:TES Canon
Borold Gravelsnot III is introduced in Book 5, and makes an
appearance in Book 6.
Brahe-prime
Brahe-prime is a term used by Elemenstor fans to sometimes
denote Tycho Brahe proper, and not the alleged conglomerate of
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authors who would pen works under his name. It was first coined in
Elemenstor Conspiracy Digest #14, October 1999.
Brahe Code
Brahe Code is a idea saying that our favorite autor, Tycho Brahe,
encoded among his works secrets of the existence, discoverable
through anagramation:
Epic Legend of The Hierarchs can be changed into “She Agreed:
Cliche Fetish Porn”.
Tycho Wang Brahe - Anyhow Brag Tech
James Langomedes - Glossed Enema Jam
Harbinger Portent - Bar®en Report Thing
Char Reyarteb - Artery Breach (though people say there is much more
meaning in this name)
When we do it with other excerpts with, say, Parable of the Swimming
Rabbit, we can realise that there is more to it than meets the eye:
”You ought to learn from the rabbit, Rosinquist.” - “Largemouth,
not for you quotient shit ribs bar!” - Which clearly encourages us to
talking.
”This Is Not the Staff of the High Augur” - aforethoughts sustain
fifth height.
Brezgar Two-Eye
“Brezgar grunted abruptly in his guttural tongue. In a split
second, a host of his barbaric kin had joined him on the ridge.
Gazing down at the sleepy hamlet before him, Brezgar threw his
head back and triumphantly ululated. It was a howl to chill a
brave man’s blood, to sour milk still in the cow’s teat. The howl
was a portent of dark times indeed for Lower Lufton.” - The
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Hierarch Wars Continue, Page 46
Grand Slaughterprince of the War Men during the events portrayed in
the Hierarch Wars trilogy, Brezgar was cursed from birth with
strikingly handsome, clean-cut looks. While his brethren of the Savage
Barrenlands proudly displayed their deformities, scars and hirstuteness,
he was mocked and shunned. Wearing an eye-patch to give the
impression of a battle wound, he was unable to remember which eye
he normally covered. This led to his mocking nickname ‘Two-Eye’.
Brezgar reacted to the taunts by becoming one of the most brutal
War Men of all time. Disposing of his rivals in the time-honoured
tradition of challenging them in the Offal Arena, he rose to become
Grand Slaughterprince. Many were the epic trials and travails he
posed for the heroic Elemenstors!
The most notorious act that Brezgar committed was to capture and
kill the PlantShaman Amberberry at the culmination of the Hierarch
Wars - indeed, at the very moment of the heroes’ triumph. Elemenstor Zuumont - burning with his unrequited love for Amberberry swore an epic oath of Blood Vengeance upon Two-Eye. However, he
was then talked out of it by his Furniliar Knobble. Sadly for fans of the
books hoping to see Brezgar’s undoing, the 13th book Glaivemistresses
of Arvalyyon did not feature the character. His further depredations
have never been chronicled... who knows when Two-Eye will strike
again?
Bright Moons
The Bright Moons are two of the three moons that orbit Battal. The
third moon is known as the Hidden Moon. The Bright Moons are so
close to each other in their orbit so as to seem connected. They work
against the Hidden Moon, draining away at all of the Unlight shining
in the night sky. Legend tells that the Bright Moons may in fact be
the testicles of Ulythyan, one of the great Hierarchs, placed there to
light the dark ages of The Hierarchy.
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Bureau-crat
Though the Transchanting of Furniliars is generally overseen by the
High Elemenstors of a region, most countries set up a Department of
Active Furnishings to track the number and types of ambulatory
appointments that reside locally. Those who work for these agencies
are teasingly called Bureau-crats.
The C’nf’s’ng (sin FOO sing) Trade Dispute was an apparently
complex and multifaceted diplomatic arguement between Lord B’gh’d
of K’th’ith’h and the Vampyre lord Vhadxi, which occurred in total
secrecy from the other nations of the Twelve Realms. In the year 799
the two rulers arranged a clandestine meeting to discuss, among other
things, control of the Apostrophine Mines located close to the K’th’ith’h
border and Eyuda tarrifs.
While what other issues arose during the meeting are unknown, the
narrative dialogue of the meeting (placed in Appendix B of Book 8 of
the Cycle) seems to suggest an awkward personal and perhaps even
physical relationship between Lord B’gh’d and Vhadxi. The meeting
begins with the two exchanging in a staring contest which the author
hints could have lasted several minutes, before leading into a short
commentary wherein Lord B’gh’d admires the length of Vhadxi’s cape.
Although some readers interpreted this as a sexual innuendo, the
scene abruptly ends without any sort of conclusion. It has also been
hinted at that the Dispute was an indirect catalyst of the Vampyric
Wars, raising further speculation about the true nature of the incident.
Another telling of the C’nf’s’ng Trade Dispute of 799 speaks of a
trade agreement between Lord B’gh’d of K’th’ith’h and Vhadxi, the
Vampyre Lord, in which it was agreed, due to Vhadxi’s misunderstanding, that the Vampyres would be allowed to habitate the mines
beneath G’nth’l, in exchange for exclusive distribution rights to
Vampyric Freezees in the Twelve Realms.
It was during B’gh’d’s flight from the Vampyre’s understandable
wrath at being short-changed that the weapon R’ll’b’gsw’d fell into the
Sw’ftfl’w River and slipped out of history for a time.
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Captain Tev
As a young lieutenant, Tev Longstare was a minor but heroic
character first introduced in Book 3, having participated in at least
part of the Rubion Sword incident of that book. At the end of his tale
there is is promoted to captain and told that he will be recieving a very
special mission. His tale in that book ends there, with the leader left to
assume that he embarked on many successful adventures for which
he was richly rewarded.
We do not see or hear of Captain Tev’s exploits again until Book 8,
when young Asana Millytopthought hears tales of the exploits of the
Captain told by some sailors congregated outside the Salty Lick
tavern.
In Chapter 17 of Book 8, Tev appears in actual fact. Now an old man,
but strangely not nearly as old as he should be given the time
between the books. Time moves more slowly for him, perhaps
because of his location, or perhaps because of the items of great
power which he had in his posession.
See: Captain Tev’s lost expedition
The young Lieutenant Tev Longstare was a hero in the Rubion Sword
incident. So he was promoted to Captain and sent to seek the
Legendary Four Plaster Shards that could restore the ravaged lands of
Ezermethalon.
Sadly, he and his expedition went lost, and were found 60 years later,
living in the Lost Lands of Tevania. Originally named the not-so-lost-asrelatively-unknown lands of Vatar, Tev and his men renamed and
ruled this land with epic justice, when they found themselves
stranded on it, without any way out.
When found by Asana Millytopthought during the events of Book 8,
an old, dying Tev redeemed himself by giving her two of the four
Legendary Plaster Shards. He died having (partially) fulfilled his
mission. His funeral was sparsely attended, but classy. Good words
were spoken of him.
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Cataclysmic Bluont
The most Cataclysmic of all Bluonts old and new, and the only
Bluont which has ever been invisible, the Cataclysmic Bluont was the
most epic of the three sections (the other two being The Shield and
The Sickle) that the world was broken into by the Eldritch Rift in
10,345. Epic only begins to describe how epic this worldpiece is, but
surely the proper amount of imagination can be applied to properly
gauge its epic-ness.
Harbinger Portent, not knowing of the Cataclysmic Bluont, did not use
his amazing power to rejoin it when he rejoined the other two pieces
of the world. Being secret, where it is and how to get there is, as of
yet, unrevealed, although its existance was mentioned during Book 8
of The Elemenstor Cycle.
Without revealing the direct means of transportation, Enseven Illibar
managed to leave the Bluont. Through him we get our first real
glimpses of the Willestrian society that exists beyond the Rift.
The information is very limited, addressing almost exclusively the
Vermillion Forum Culvert, its resident Chaotician Gemmerach-dancers, and
the mysterious artifact Gemmerach Prime.
Century of Fire
Another name for the period known as The Savage Brutality Of The War
Men. During this century, the forces unleashed by Harbinger Portent
slowly mended the sundered Battal. Molten rock was the primary
method by which this was achieved, much to the dismay of those in
the path of the mending.
It was a time of great geologic, social, and political upheaval. Besides
the obvious unrest caused when half of one’s subjects are incinerated
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by molten rock, Char Reyarteb, his will subverted to the Starborn Gem,
chose this time to begin his plans to conquer the reformed Battal by
raising an army of vicious War Men. Many civilizations were hopelessly leveled, like the Arkleaf during the famous Siege of Arkleaf.
Most of the canonical information about this time is either mentioned in passing in The Elemenstor Cycle or can be gleaned from the
Collide: The Vision expansion to the Wizbits Elemenstor Battle CCG.
From these sketchy sources we know that the War Men perpetuated
horrible forms of murder and torture, and were exceptionally fond of
hacking the legs of foes off at the kneecaps. More chilling was the
brief appearance of War Men Elemenstors, empowered by Char Reyarteb
to further his goals.
The first attempt to raise a War Man to the level of High Elemenstor
resulted in the heads of all known War Men Elemenstors simultaneously exploding. If any further attempts were made, there are no
canonical references to them.
The Chair Brigade
Nobody expects the Chair Brigade! Their chief
weapon is suprise. Surprise and doorstops. Their chief
weapons are surprise and doorstops. And termites.
Their three chief weapons are suprise, termites,
doorstops, and stools. Four. Four chief weapons.
Among their chief weapons, the Chair Brigade
employs surprise, termites, doorstops, and stools.
The Chair Brigade are a vicious but rather innefective Ezermethalonian
Gestapo of sorts, and their chief trimph was briefly kidnapping
Serafina Haberdasheron (taking her by surprise) and giving her rather
awful scuffmarks using doorstops and unfinished wooden stools.
Finally, they unleashed termites upon her. This proved to be their
undoing as the termites quickly freed Serafina from her restraints and
allowed her to escape, only after she viciously sat upon a number of
the Chair Brigade’s footstoolsoldiers.
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The Chair Brigade was founded and controlled by Gorg Stinkrot, who
manipulated its members for his own evil porpoises. Its chief is
Stoutback, whose second in command is Straightleg and whose third in
command is Persephalous
ELotH:TES Canon
The Chair Brigade was introduced in Book 6.
Char Reyarteb
The infamous immortal mage who easily took hold of the world—
under the dominion of the Starborn Gem.
Early Days
Born in the year 15,670 under the name of Petago Kerrik, he who
would be later known and feared as the most powerful mage in the
universe showed great promise in the mystic force of what would
later be known as Elemenstation. Because of it, the Kerrik family
feared their son greatly, and thus abused him horribly. Yet, the
Kerriks, by some strange reasons, never came close to killing their
own son.
Beginnings and Ends
When Kerrik reached the age of thirteen, he escaped from his hell of
a home, and lived in the streets of the desert oasis-town, Unothath.
Forced to steal food to survive, one day his theft was discovered by
the vengeful Dragonapple stallsman Gormeo Capugue. Fearing for his
safety, Kerrik fled to a small sanctuary of the Chambre Pacificum,
seeking refuge. Unfortunately, the priest there, Father Sancturion,
tossed the boy aside like a common criminal. Before revenge could
be exacted by the angry teenager, a mysterious wizened old man
stopped Petago, and for good reason. The man was none other than
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the finder of the Starborn Gem, the great Harbinger Portent, who
thought he saw some glimmer of Kerrik’s lost skill. Portent proclaimed (with little ceremony) Kerrik his very first student of High
Elemenstation. Soon after that Kerrik met a girl named Nallah, and
Petago’s life became a blur of days spent learning from the Harbinger, and nights spent running free and wild with Nallah.
It was during the countless years of training that followed that
Kerrik’s legendary Serpent-Battlestaff, Siezor, was created, by the
might of the Starborn Gem. Before this, Petago briefly wielded the
Water Moon Demon Blade, but felt that the weapon was far too weak
for his tastes, as the Starborn Gem offered far more power than the
Water Moon Demon Blade. Also, during this time, Petago took the
name Char Reyarteb, shedding his past like a distasteful garmet, and
Nallah became Lady Absinthia.
Immediately after Kerrik became proficient at the art of High
Elemenstation, Portent began to wonder if he had made some error
in teaching Char his art. Reyarteb’s power seemed to be limitless, and
everything that Portent taught his pupil, Reyarteb immediately
mastered. In fact, Reyarteb seemed to use the powers of High
Elemenstation—and thus the Starborn Gem—with far more power
than one would have thought possible. Portent began to ponder
exactly what to do, and in the year 17,904, Portent sent his eager
pupil away with words of great praise, hoping against all hope that
Reyarteb would never know why his teacher had done such a thing.
The Unsundering and Reformation
However, in the six years between the disownment of Reyarteb and
the beginning of the Century of Fire, Char Reyarteb and Lady Absinthia
amassed an extreme amount of power through unknown means.
With dreams of total power, Char eliminated his former teacher in a
bid for immortality from the Starborn Gem. Indeed, the artifact
granted him that privilege and many more besides, including the
ability to summon various monsters from the earth of Battal, but also
forced Reyarteb to submit to the sentient will of the Starborn Gem.
Dominated by the Starborn Gem, Char killed his long-time companion and lover, Lady Absinthia, then went on to reformed all of Battal
to his own—or rather the Gem’s—liking, and thus the only singlehandedly-done conquest of the world was done.
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Reyarteb’s Defeat
Finally, in the year 19,116, the Four Underdogs managed to, with the
aid of the spirit of Harbinger Portent (now known only as the
Ocumen) and the raw power of Aklom Reklats (a splinter of the
Starborn Gem), defeat and seemingly destroy the immortal Reyarteb.
Peace seemed to be restored to the world, and yet not a soul believed
that the tyrant was truly gone—after all, the Starborn Gem was
nowhere to be found.
Reyarteb’s Return and the Hierarch Wars
In the year 23,354 - over four millenia since Reyarteb was seemingly
destroyed by the Four Underdogs - teenager Sierra Vanity inherited
the Old House of Eyekia Lane. Little did she know that the spirit of
Reyarteb, lost and weakened, had seized hold of the house in a bid to
avoid being discorporated entirely (the Starborn Gem’s control over
Reyarteb had long been broken, as the gem itself was heavily
damaged). Something in Vanity awoke this dreaming, malevolent
ghost - the time for his return to the lands of Battal was nigh.
Elemenstors throughout the world felt the disturbance created by
this new evil, and quickly gathered once more.
In the years that followed, many dark armies were formed by
Reyarteb’s sinister Furniliars, the Doorknob Marshals, and laid waste to
many armies and cities. These yearicles were known as the Hierarch
Wars. A last-ditch botched exorcism of the Old House in 23,401 only
resulted in Reyarteb’s spirit taking corporeal form once more.
Reyarteb immediately headed for the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow to
summon his old ally, MooMaa the Dyemon-Ghost - who he believed
would give him the upper hand in the Hierarch Wars.
However, a rag-tag band of Elemenstors and a hastily raised army
representing many of the peoples of Battal barred his way. In the epic
Battle of Freedom’s Peril, Char defeated many Elemenstors, but was
finally vanquished by Sierra Vanity’s son Ron - later Ronard the
Medium, of the line of Magic Sword Kings. The Elemenstors swore that
they could find no trace of Reyarteb’s spirit - but that is what was
thought by the wisest sages after his previous defeat. They said that
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true evil is never completely destroyed...and with the rediscovery of
the long-lost Starborn Gem in the sands of the Unothath Desert, it
seemed all the more probable that Reyarteb would most definitely
return.
In ElamenSTAR Shuffle, there is an Alternate Char Reyarteb.
Fan Art
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Chasing Death
Summary
Yet another Fan Fiction offering about Ubrith and the mysterious
unresolved thread from Book 11. Though a much more widely accepted
fan offering on the subject than Ubrith: The Untold Adventures, this
piece had its own flaws.
The story starts out very well actually, picking up with Ubrith right
after Book 11, and the plot unfolds very smartly. Our heroine travels
across the land, always one step behind the evil Spiral Doom, but is
never quite able to catch up with it.
It’s when Ubrith finally does corner her quarry that the story veers off
course rather surprisingly. Ubrith is quickly overpowered by the epic
Elemental Construct, and all seems lost, when a new character named
SlayrX (which also happens to be the penname of the writer) appears
and miraculously kills Spiral Doom in one blow.
Ubrith is instantly smitten with the ruggedly handsome ninja-Vampyre,
and pledges to reward him for saving her life, and helping her
complete her quest. What ensues in a very erotic three chapters
detailing the manner in which Ubrith “shows her gratitude”.
Timeline
This story takes place during the events of Book 12. Indeed, Ubrith
even briefly passes by the carnage from the end of the Battle of
Splinters during her travels.
Cheddarblade Cornuthaum
Simultaneously cheese, hat, and sword, this presumably-magical item was
briefly described in an antique shop in Book 11. Fans of cheese, hats,
and swords rejoiced at the combination of the three, and the
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Cheddarblade Cornuthaum is the subject of many fanfics suggesting
origins and uses. As its name implies, it is a pointy hat made primarily
of cheddar (specifically a hard variety called blade cheddar) which has
an extensible handle so its sharp point can be used as a weapon. It
presumably predates Item Law 55.
Bladecheddar is renowned as the sharpest cheese in the world.
Cheddarblade Cornutham (Card) is also a card in the Adventure and
Mysterious expansion.
Note: This hat (and all such blade cheddar) actually gains its powers
from a little knowen school of magic known as Enrichment.
The Children of Valedaleglenhill, or The Three Foolish Chil-
dren
The three children from Valedaleglenhill, who in Book 7 set out to
reach Elddim’s Peak in order to enlist the aid of the Elemenstors there.
The children are Isaac Purcheron, Ark Riven, and Raven Darkblood.
Chrome Garden
The original creators of this fantastical garden have passed on long
ago, killed in a freak Xoil spill that killed all living things in the garden
and surrounding area. What remains are elaborate sculptures and
metal works of extraordinary beauty. The caretaker of the garden is
the magically animated metal man Otto Chromo.
The Chrome Garden is found in the FaeriWraithe Lands and appears
in Book 2.
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Orphenna touched the gleaming green leaf and quickly
withdrew her hand.
”Father! This leaf is made of metal,” she exclaimed.
Heeroh bent closer to the comically twisted flower,
inspecting its shining orange petals. “Hmm... The
whole thing is made of metal! Why, everything in this
garden is metal. Have you ever seen anything so
extraordinary, Oryand?”
”Oh... I’d say that I have. Look at this.”
From behind a large shining tin fern stepped a strange
pile of boiling pots, pipe shafts, steel rods, and metal
spheres. It looked like a tinker’s work bench, but
moved like a man. Carrying a pale blue watering can, it
moved from plant to plant, going through a pouring
motion at each tree, bush, and flower, even though the
can was evidently completely empty.—Book 2
The Chronoclave
The Chronoclave is an organization devoted to the preservation of
chronology, not as historians do, but as gatekeepers; they prevent
others from poking their nasty dirty fingers into the flowing stream
of Time, so to speak. Powerful individuals from many different time
periods will found/have founded/are founding it. Because of its
membership, it has no real date of origin; it is said to be in the eternal
Yet, which follows the eternal Now. Its membership will/has/does
include kings of the line of King Ronard, sages of the Moonlit Order,
Elemenstors of all types, Littleospohers and even several uncorrupted (?)
sorcerials. Harbinger Portent is most notably not a member of the
Chronoclave, as he is considered by most of its members to be “a
smartass.”
The whole reason for the Chronoclave’s existence is to restrict time
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travel, since they view the integrity of timenes as the goodest of all
goodnesses. As seen in The Glaivemistresses of Arvalyyon, time travel
makes a huge mess of things. This may be the event that triggers the
Chronoclave’s founding (or it may not, because it is/was/will be
founded in several time periods, blah blah, you get the idea).
The Chronoclave holds court on the Spaghetti Plane of the Elmether,
which is “outside time”. It is named as such for the complicated
strands and thread of timelines visible to those who enter the plane.
”The Chronoclave” may also refer to the building where the organization meets, in the western part of the aforementioned plane; hence its
location being given as “Spaghetti Western.”
Chronosorcellors are strictly divided into two camps based on their
affiliation with the Chronoclave: those who are members of the
Chronoclave, who use their powers to maintain the order of time,
and Rogue Chronosorcellors who will bear no restrictions on the use of
timesorc’ley. Episode 05, Season 3 of the Wizbits cartoon implied the
existence of impartial Chronosorcellors, who seek to neither protect
nor subvert the flow of time. This was one of the less-popular
decisions made by the cartoon, and most fans chose to write it off at
the time as a non-canon moment. Alternatively, attempts have been
made to rationalize the implications as a lie - after all, the man who
uttered them was Fregor the Untruthful, one of the least reliable men on
the face of Battal.
The existence of the impartial Chronosorcellors was later confirmed
in Book 11. These impartial Chronosorcellors, (which include Yar the
Sorcerial by the end of the book) also expressed doubt that there was
much risk of long lasting meddling in the timestream, due to the
mechanics of Banachronation being revealed by Fyar Duliec in order to
save the (real) Yar.
”It seems like the chances of you seeing your future self in a common
inn are quite high.”
”Indeed. Should that come to pass, time would shatter like a window,
creating billions of “Reality Shards”, which would act as temporal
prisms, giving birth to a multitude of warring universes. These
universes would be suspended in a sea of un-time.”—Tower Spiralstair
That is one of my favorite quotes from a member of the Chronoclave
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about the dangers of time travel. Unfortunately, I don’t have the
exact chapter/book reference, as I lost many of my notes when I was
switching from 5¼” disks to 3½”, perhaps someone else can fill that
in? —Mooninaut
Sorry, but I don’t recall this quote from any canon material I’ve read,
and this is very different from the way timesorc’ly seems to work in
ELotH:TES. The only way for this to make sense would be even more
series-wide retconning of chronoclones and the like. Or perhaps you’re
referring to Temporal Elimenstation (provided that it is actually
distinct from timesorc’ly, which I maintain is still somewhat in
doubt)? —PeterBurns
I’m not sure if the quote is canon, either...it seems to go against the
Byar-Coynkadence conjecture.
The confusion comes from the fact that it was actually the
Chronosorcellor Tower Spiralstair who said this to an unnamed
associate at the beginning of Wizbits Episode 5, Season III.
Chronoclone
At times, when Chronosorcellors perform multiple Banachronations
multiple times to the same time period, a copy, spawned by the
simultaneous existance of multiple instances of the same Chronosorcellor in the same time period, can be spawned. This process, while
seemingly rather redundant, usually serves to needlessly duplicate the
efforts of the Chronosorcellor who has been Chronocloned. Normally,
this process is harmless, and has little or no ill effect.
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It has been surmised that this effect is a back-up failsafe of the
universe itself, to prevent the Byar-Coynkadence conjecture from being
disproven. Evidence of this exists in Book 11, when the Chronoclave
detains Yar the Sorcerial, but later find the detainee to have been Yar’s
Chronoclone. Had the real Yar been detained, Yar would not have been
able to nullify the effects of his own Banachronation, and the ByarCoynkadence conjecture would be disproven.
Chthonic Swinemen
One of the three races descended from Zonard (see also Halfmen and
Boar Men). The Swinemen possess only a rudimentary intellect, and
can barely speak Plaincommon (which is astounding considering that
language’s simplicity). (This inability to articulate has led to the
widespread use of the derogatory term “grunters” to describe them,
though “squealers” is also fairly common.) While not nearly as bright
as their Dolphinthrope cousins, they are every bit as cruel. The
Swinemen’s malice, however, tends to be more random, undirected,
and crude in comparison to the insidious evil one would expect from
the Dolphinthropes. They are vicious, nasty, and prone to unprovoked fits of violence; they are also roughly twice as strong as the
average human. Luckily, the Swinemen prefer to live underground,
and this proclivity results in an intense dislike of bright light- a fact
which is put to good use by High Elemenstor Noddy Chillbreezey in Book
9.
“SNAAAAARLGOFLESHFEET!” - Calg Hokhok,
Swineman Warchief (Book 9)
Criticism
Some critics have claimed that the Chthonic Swinemen are basically a
total ripoff of the Star Wars universe’s Gamorreans. This is, of
course, pure nonsense, as anyone who has read the series would be
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able to tell you: the differences between the Swinemen and the other
pig-race are both vast and profound. For starters, the Chthonic
Swinemen live in caves, while Gamorreans live in space; further, while
Gamorreans usually engage in combat using some kind of polearms,
Swinemen prefer to fight with their razor-sharp tusks. And the list goes
on.
Famous Clerical Healers:
Raunch Iron from Book 3. Possibly the ‘Alpha Clerical Healer’
Sasquilla from Broken Stool: Alchemical Boogaloo.
This page need more entries. Any help?
The Comfortable-Looking Sofa
The Comfortable-Looking Sofa is an Elemenstated item of furniture
that looks really soft and warm and inviting to sit upon. However,
due to the evils of Dark Elemenstation, the Comfortable-Looking Sofa
is not, in fact, comfortable at all. Any who sit or, God forbid, sleep
upon the Comfortable-Looking Sofa are doomed to squirm and
wriggle in an attempt to find a position that does not cause back
strain. It is for this reason that the Comfortable-Looking Sofa is
considered to be surreptitious seating.
The Comfortable-Looking Sofa was a minor antagonist throughout
Book 3, continually appearing in the unlikeliest places (in the dungeon
in Chapter 6, behind the monolith in Chapter 13 and on a two-footwide ledge on the face of a mountain in Chapter 37) to tempt the
travellers in their darkest moments, to sit upon its plush-looking
cushions.
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Companionship of the
Elemenstors
A group of Elemenstors which arise during the Hierarch Wars. They
are the first Elemenstors to realize the evil that lurks in the Old House of
Eyekia Lane. The companionship makes its first appearance in Book
10, but also appears in Book 11 and Book 12, and this group of
Elemenstors are some of the most beloved characters of the entire
cycle.
Members of the Original Companionship
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Ubrith
Jarvelos
Ekezenthal
Arkazanthal
Zuumont
Toobanor
Ray Charebet
Additional Elemenstors (arrived
later)
•
•
•
Mordichai Alamede
Larrana Modpeer
Revolp Darkblood
It is interesting to note that Tycho Brahe chose to give the second
grouping of Elemenstors surnames, where as the first group were
known only by a single monicer.
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Convolution and Complexity
It is clear from the very first sentence that Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor
Cycle is heavy-laden with convolution and complexity both linguistic
and narrative. Brahe demonstrates remarkable bravery in his willingness to employ plot devices most authors consider too silly, to
difficult, or too completely incoherent—devices like timesorc’ley,
physiks, and of course Elemenstation itself. Rather than building a world
for others to enter with ease, Brahe demands that his readers pry the
world from his mind through intellectual fisticuffs and linguistic
wrestling of the most strenuous variety.
This is not to say that every passage is completely inaccessible;
indeed, many entries exhibit the most languid prose, the most lucid
imagery, the most compelling dialogue an author could ever hope to
commit to paper. But these passages seem to be rewards, sugary
delights, moments of respite for those committed enough to pay the
initial toll. “Everything inherently laudable we must bestow with
appropriate valuation,” Brahe once commented when addressing this
subject, “Else we would have no foundation upon which to call it
inherently laudable.” Thus the convolution and complexity might be
seen as Battal’s entrance fee.
Criticism of Brahe’s Approach
Of course, not everyone wishes to pay this price, and Brahe has faced
a fair bit of criticism for it. The most common objection is that any
convolution or complexity of plot stems directly from poor thread
management. In other words, if the author can’t remember what he
was writing or why he was writing it, attempts to reconcile disparate
plotlines will result in the appearance of complexity. If accepted, this
would render The Elemenstor Cycle not intentionally convoluted, but
accidentally (and necessarily) convoluted.
This is difficult to reconcile, however, with those aforementioned
passages which exhibit only literary brilliance unfettered by the
challenges of complexity. Some critics point to the multiple authors
theory or the somewhat disputed drinking and pill binge as explanations for
these wide swings between unquestionable brilliance and abject
madness. Others simply believe that Brahe really did employ convolution and complexity to discourage “lesser” readers, supporting this
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with another common theme of The Elemenstor Cycle, Betterness.
All of this tends to distract from the other convolution and complexity of this epic saga, however—namely, the convolution and complexity so often found in the author’s language. To call Brahe a linguophile
would be a most egregious understatement. For as complex as the
story is, its structure is infinitely more so. Consider the following
excerpt from Book 13:
The Elemenstor blinked. Had he seen something in
the darkness? No, he;;;;; decided, it was probably just
those olives he ate earlier. They hadn’t been fresh at
all. Plus he was getting old. Bah. He’d been dead long
before he gav;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;e up his precious pickled
foodstuffs. Dismissing such thoughts, he gathered his
robes and pressed on.
The thoroughgoing application of semicolons is hard to miss, but the
overall convolution of the passage—including the bizarre tense
structure—is characteristic of the series as a whole. Indeed, this
particular passage is crystal clear when juxtaposed with some of the
more extreme examples.
Having established Brahe’s modus operandi, we are now left to
wonder—if this convolution and complexity is in fact deliberate,
why? We have seen a few possible explanations; an entry fee into
Brahe’s world seems possible if not likely from a market perspective.
But in the end all we can really do is follow the author’s example, and
leave this question as an exercise for the reader.
The Council of Elders and Betters
The governing body of Valedaleglenhill in Book 7.
The group consists primarily of two groups (with a few notable
exceptions). The first group is the frail and tired old men of Valedaleglenhill, world weary and somewhat disinterested in the fate of
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their town, but members of the council for the fat cakes and Root Tea
provided at the town meetings.
The second group consists of members of the Better family,
prominent land owners and farmers in the surrounding countryside.
Hom Better, the patriarch of the family, tends to be the voice on the
council, with a collection of brothers and nephews along as yes men
and agreement mumblers. The Betters protect their interests with a
cowardly and sometimes craven disposition.
The town meeting scene from Book 7 where Hom convinces the
elders to send three foolish children across the Lands of Va to enlist
the aid of an Elemenstor conclave at the height of the villages peril is
an excellent example of the way in which the council is run.
Crestplains
The Crestplains are a very fertile, flat area on the Northeast of The
Shield, often described as “just north and a bit to the right of Wang’s
Peak.” This area is where most of the agriculture on The Shield takes
place. As such, it is generally a very boring place to live... of course,
when it’s not being raided or burned by some sort of Dark Lord or
Immortal Fiend.
“Hmuuurr’urrrr’uuuum...” brooded Haul, “too long
your Nor’Easters and Dirt Huggers sat in Crestplains
chewing cud while Spike Dogs slaughter the silent
children of Gaia. You lose pride of Bulls, and glory of
Hammers.”
The circle of chiefs and shaman paused after Haul’s
statement, waiting for some response. Bull-Chief Bugg
of the Dirt Huggers kept chewing his cud, either
oblivious to the attack on his station of leadership, or
altogether indifferent. Bull-Chief Murgh of the
Nor’Easters snorted furiously and slammed his Herd
Hammer into the ground.
”Where were Dog-Killers and Blood-Teeth when Dog
Suckers killed our mothers? Where were Mist-Hooves
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and Flat-Northers when plains broke and grasses
burned?”, shouted Murgh, panting heavily, “And you,
Haul Hammerlord, ran like coward, drinking blood in wild
places, preferring war over duties of Bull! You abandoned your
birthright, AND HAVE FORSAKEN US ALL!”
Haul’s feral nature swelled within him, and fires of
bloodlustiness returned to his eyes. It had taken all of
his fortitude to return to the Herds to unite his people.
He had summoned all that remained of his shattered
identity and sanity to return to the grasslands to be
among his fellow Minotaur. And his argument with
Murgh had stripped most of it away. In a single
motion he leapt from his feet and butted Murgh in the
chest, knocking him down. Hammers in hand, the
mighty bulls squared off, preparing to fight to the
death.
Suddenly, Bugg Dirt-Hugger leapt to his feet, and
bellered at a volume none had thought he was capable
of. Even the bloodlusty Haul gave paused, and turned
his attention to his docile brother of long hair matted
with mud and leaves.
”Mruufgh!” snorted Bugg, “You guys are really killing
my buzz over here!”—from the ElemenstorLance novel,
The Third Legs of Gods
Crystalcrown Chronicles
by Paul Thompson
Notes
Released in November of 2002, Crystalcrown Chronicles was an
effort to explore the near end of the ELotH timeline based on sparse
164
existing references within the canon cycle and the thumbnail sketches
of characters only present in the CCG.
The result was the best source of information and narrative available
about the events of The Ending Times, although unfortunately this era
did not particularly excite most fans of the 13 novel series as it
contained few of the places and characters featured prominently in
that series, given the 16,500 year lapse between stories. Notably at
least 6 of the fans of the CCG were quoted as being extremely pleased
by the book.
The ending of the book is intentionally vague and ends with the
infamous betrayal. Several fan works have attempted to extend the
story beyond this point but most have been poor attempts that have
not gained much of a following within the community.
Characters
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Floor the Stupid, Half-witted brother of Princess Crystalcrown,
perhaps picks up on more than he is given credit for.
Princess Crystalcrown, Good Hearted, although possessing a
rather sheltered view of the world.
Llorllthos, Brave Nevelost Healer, and trusted companion of
Princess Crystalcrown
Sakengaarg the Forge Master of Crystalcrown, Dwarven
Forge-King, and trusted companion of Princess Crystalcrown
Elanfariestel the Easily Convinced, member of the court of
Princess Crystalcrown, recipient of ultimately rather misplaced trust by Princess Crystalcrown
Merm the Cruelish Prankster, member of the court of Princess Crystalcrown
Jonnah Goes-Along-With-It, member of the court of Princess Crystalcrown
Dark Master, a shadowy figure with a dark motive
Locations
•
Mount Wor
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(others?)
Misc Notable Events
•
•
•
•
Several clandestine incidents of Bell Caging by Merm and
Jonnah.
A rather unfortunate case of Swordworms
Dagon’s 8th Sword of Power Against Wood makes a surpising appearance
Brief mention at the end of the book is made to The Crystal Order, founded by Llorllthos and Sakengaarg.
Cubby
“Take the girl, but leave my dishes alone!”
Biography
Cubbert P. Oakwood (Cubby) is the cupboard Furniliar of Felthar the
Moderately Handsome. They have traveled together since the day of
his enchantment by Felthar as a prank during his days at the Institute
Of Accoutermentia. His mannerisms are ordinarily that of a stuffy old
butler, but in times of danger Cubby has been known to hurl himself
headfirst into trouble in defense of his master. Cubby is near manic
about the state of his contents, carrying a checklist of items in one of
his drawers. Lost items are lamented for days until replaced.
Any similarities with wacky yet lovable sentient wooden chests living
on impossible flat discs hurtling through space should be considered
purely coincidental. After all, there’s only so much one can do with
living furniture.
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Warning, SPOILER ALERT!
Death
Cubby died saving Felthar and Serafina Haberdasheron from the
Nightstand in Book 6 of The Elemenstor Cycle
Re-Furniliarisation
Cubby was returned to life by Toran in Book 12 at one of the seventeen
final battles in that book (the fifth in fact, where he assists in the
destruction of The Ambulatator, one of The Eight Elemental Constructs).
Inconsolable after the loss of his beloved flatware, he refused to fight
in the war and instead became the first furniliar to hold government
office as Undersecretary of Education. Eventually Cubby’s Allsoul
faded to inactivity and he was donated to the Ezermethalonian Museum
of Notable Furniture, where he remains to this day.
ELotH:TES Canon
Cubby is introduced (and also created) in Book 5. He appears (and is
destroyed) in Book 6, and is reincarnated in Book 12.
Curld
The Curld is a small, square coin made entirely out of Elemenstronium.
It was minted and distributed by the Elemenstors of the Cerulean Citadel
during The Rise Of The Elemenstors period. It caught on due to the
influence the Elemenstors had on the public and trade, and was used as
the major form of currency on Battal ever since it began circulating.
It’s tendency to glow when not owned has made it’s use as currency
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consistently supported by adventurers’ lobbies, who find such a
property very useful when rampaging through dungeons.
Cylinder and Tube Theories
There is a lot of confusion and controversy that swirls around fan
circles regarding the nature of the three similar weapons that appear
throughout the various Sagas, The Parchment Cylinder, the Cardboard
Tube, and The Cardboard Tube of Unusual Sharpness and Popularity. This
page covers some of the theories and debates that still occur about
this subject. It is unknown why the only one of these three (or less,
depending on who you talk to) weapons appeared in the CCG - the
Parchment Cylinder.
General Assumptions
All the theories listed here have a few common assumptions. The
first is that The Cardboard Tube of Unusual Sharpness and Popularity and
The Parchment Cylinder are definitely distinct weapons, due to both
being in use at the same time in Book 12. The second is that both
weapons are generally accepted to be extant during both The Magic
Sword Kings Period and The Elemenstor Cycle. The Cardboard Tube is
generally accepted to be extant during the Wang Era. Whether it is a
distinct weapon or one of the other two is the subject of debate.
The Three Weapon Theory
This theory states that all three weapons are distinct. Of the three, the
Cardboard Tube alone is lost to history, disappearing along with its
wielder, the Cardboard Tube Samurai, during the Wang Era. Proponents
of this theory note that there is a story involving Harbinger Portent and
an unknown warrior who was able to defeat many guards with “a
piece of garbage.” This is proposed to be the Cardboard Tube Samurai,
though how he travelled some 12,000 years into the future to meet
with Portent is unknown. While it is certainly not impossible, the
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background of the Samurai was always left vague in Oriental Tales of
the Wang Kingdom, there is no definitive proof either way.
The Tube is Cylinder Theory
This theory states that the Cardboard Tube and The Parchment Cylinder
are one and the same weapon. The origins of the Cylinder are never
mentioned, but it appears a few times in various Sagas, always where
needed. Since the Cylinder’s powers are known to vary from wielder
to wielder, proponents put forth that this was the weapon that the
Cardboard Tube Samurai wielded. There is evidence to support this,
including similar descriptions of both weapons. Other supporting
evidence is the fact that the Cylinder is known to have displayed
powers similar to the Tube. Again, however, there is no definitive
proof that this is the case.
The Tube is Tube Theory
This theory rather pragmatically states that the Cardboard Tube is, in
fact, The Cardboard Tube of Unusual Sharpness and Popularity. The
weapons are, after all, virtually identical. The tube Gragnakas forged
was sent back in time to the Magic Sword Kings Period, but no
mention of it is made during the Wang Era. Proponents state that the
Cardboard Tube Samurai came into possession of the weapon. They
also state in their favor that while the Cardboard Tube is described as
being forged from an ‘unknown material,’ the Dwarves did not
discover Muramite cardboard until almost 5,000 years later. However,
as this disregards the Harbinger Portent/stranger-with-garbage story
mentioned above, and it also does not explain how P’km’n the Hungry
came to possess the CToUSaP, this is generally regarded as a
maverick theory and is not given much credence.
Dark Doomblade of Magical
Overarching Darkness
169
Forged while the legendary Forge-King of the Dwarves Gragnakas was
undergoing a “goth” period, the sword was meant to convey his utter
contempt for life and color, and is exquitisitly decorated with skulls,
roses, dragons, cute mice, and other regalia of horror.
However, Gragnakas got really drunk while making it, and instead of
imbuing a mystical air of darkness and fear, the sword blinded him,
and forced him to endlessly spew forth bad, dreary poetry. Once he
sobered up and realized what he created, he sold it to the brooding
anti-hero Tal’Thak and went back to work. Shezdor is believed to have
found the sword still being clutched by the corpse of Tal’Thak, who
had died of a massive blow to the head that he apparently didn’t see
coming.
Dark Elemenstation
In his search for power, Char Reyarteb needed the assistance of the
dark Dyemons of the dark Nastier Planes of the Elmether to pervert the
pristine, Starborn Gem-given properties of High Elemenstation into the
terrifyingly traitorous tempestuous torrents of Dark Elemenstation.
Dark Elemenstation draws not just on the basic particles of the
Elmether and the elements of Air, Fire, Earth and Water, but it also
draws darkly on the accumulated dark psychic energy of the countless
centuries of pain, torment and strife of the world. Dark Elemenstors
possess the dark knowledge that every theft, murder, battle and
stubbing of toes feeds the dark forces of Dark Elemenstation.
Dark Elemenstation is divided into three facets: Blood, Unlight and The
Unspeakable. Many have attempted to draw parallels between these
dark elements and the light elements of Earth, Air, Fire and Water,
though at the current time this idea has been largely discredited. The
more radical Dark Elemenstors (or, perhaps, ones most learned in
their craft) insist that the the facets exist in-between those of High
Elemenstation: Blood between Earth and Water, Unlight between
Fire and Air, -The Unspeakable- at the crossroads between all four. If
this theory is correct - and few Elemenstors, High, Dark, or other170
wise, choose to weigh in with their opinion - it would suggest the
existence of two more facets, located between Fire and Earth, and
between Water and Air. Others say that the three facets are distorted
primal elements, claiming that Dark is distorted Ur.
Further extrapolations of a unified geometric theory of elemenstation
has lead to the octahedric hyperprism hypothesis. While it is not considered
canon, the octahedric hyperprism hypothesis has been reinforced by
the Cycle numerous times, particularly in the Finnish translation. It is
unclear if this will ever take into account the Dark is distorted Ur
theory or if the two schools of thought will engage in flame wars.
It is interesting to note that Harbinger Portent, Char Reyarteb’s master,
was known as the father of High Elemenstation, whereas Portent’s
student himself, Reyarteb, was (ironically) the father of Dark
Elemenstation.
Related:
•
•
•
Elements
Wrack
Witherance
Dark Elemenstors
In 17,910, as Char Reyarteb began his journey to universal conquest,
he required some sort of assistance. Reyarteb was only one person,
after all, and he was not in a situation where he could spread his
power all over Battal. Thus, Reyarteb, with the aid of the Starborn
Gem, forged with his own blood a new magik force—Dark Elemenstation. With this new power, Reyarteb was able to turn drops of his own
blood into fraternal clones of himself, with a fraction of his limitless
power. These dark warlocks were known as the Dark Elemenstors,
who spread across the world, making sure that all citizens knew
exactly who was about to take over the world of Battal—and
eliminating those who stood in Reyarteb’s way.
After the fall of Char Reyarteb by the Four Underdogs, the Dark
Elemenstors were hunted down and killed, if not purged of all Dark
Elemenstation (which ended up killing them most of the time anyway)
171
by the Angyel blade Excelsius. However, new Dark Elemenstors, also
called Necromenstors, were created from High Elemenstors, and they
formed an underground sort of cult that still exists today, unseen in
the shadows.
Dark Elemenstors possess all abilities of High Elemenstors, except
for the ability to create Elemanifestations. Instead, they create Dark
Elemanifestations—Elemanifestations that are far more powerful, yet
far less contrallable, than their High Elemenstation bretheren.
Equally, rather than Furniliars, a Dark Elemenstor will often have a
Dark Furniliar.
Other Dark Elemenstors
The term Dark Elemenstor was also a term for the low Elemenstors
of The Sickle during The Sundered Era who studied and practiced dark
arts. Their particular breed of Elemenstation was unique to this
region and period.
Dark Fourteen
The Dark Fourteen are a group of devoted fans who organized in
internet chat rooms to form a plan to kill Tycho Brahe. A rumor
indicating that one final novel in the Elemenstor cycle (“The
Fourteenth Manuscript”) had been completed began circling shortly
after the release of the 13th novel. There is great possibility that the
rumor arose due to the ending most fans felt was “tacked on” and
out of context with the rest of the novels—the recent republication
of Book 1 with significant changes to fit the ending support this. The
rumor indicated that the final book would be published one year and
one day after the death of Tycho Brahe, hence the logical conclusion
that a true fan would want to speed things up a bit.
The arrest in connection with the lathing of three employees of
Realmworlds Publishing of Jonathon Moore, who is believed to be
the head of the original Dark Fourteen, only seems to have brought
more attention to the cause, and the slogan “There is a faster way to find
out...” has been appearing in blogs and fansites with greater fre172
quency.
A splinter-faction of the Dark Fourteen who have grown disenchanted with the entire series appear to be responsible for the PACT.
References to these individuals as “those who would drown the baby
in the bathwater” can be found on Dark Fourteen message boards.
The Dark Master
The Dark Master was a dark and shady character who was most
definately up to no good. Little else is known of him. The dark,
enigmatic nature of the conundrum that is the mystery of his past
baffles even the most astute historians; indeed, legends tell of those
who have fallen into the black despair of madness in their vain
attempts to understand this mysterious figure, shaded in grotesque
shadow and infinte darkness.
A popular vein in the fanfiction community is that The Dark Master
is none other than the Cardboard Tube Samurai... or at least his dark
half manifested from his trials in the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow. There is
little evidence to support this aside from two references in the text.
The first mentioning the smell of hellfire and lotuses at the approach
of The Dark Master. The second is Archibald Almalastor’s brief vision
of The Dark Master carrying a long, ill-described weapon at his side.
There is little popular support for this theory outside of the fanfiction
community.
The Darkstorm
First there was nothing/the Hierarchs. Simultaneously/later/earlier,
the Starborn Gem was formed. Next/previously, The Four Vales were
shaped. The Four Vales, being comprised of the four main Elements,
were pleasing to the Hierarchs. As it is written, the Hierarchs
Thought,
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“Behold the Four Vales, for verily they art pleasing/havst been pleasing/willst be pleasing to Ourselves.” - Elemenstors 1:4
In each elemental Vale was created and sequestered one of the four
most discerning races. In descending order of their rationality, they
were: Furniture, Kryatures, Sjkarblae, and Men. Thus, all was good and
ordered, and the Hierarchs basked in the glowing radiance of
Existence. In the Vale of Farth, the Furniture began the creation of
an advanced civilization, philosophizing on weekdays while lazing on
Saturday and/or Sunday afternoons in the manner that furniture is
still accustomed to do. The other Vales, however, descended into
darkness and despair, being unable to establish societal order or, for
that matter, any method in which to laze at all. For it is said that the
Hierarchs Thought,
“Verily, the Vales of the non-Furniture most assuredly
art making/hav’st made/willst make themselves
unholy Shitholes of despair and melancholia.” Elemenstors 1:7
On a Hierarchical Whim, the Hierarchs, in their Ponderings, elected
to begin Existence anew, Thinking,
“Thus, behold Our Whim, for We now art enraging/hav’st enraged/willst enrage Ourselves with Our
creations of Crapitude. Surely they art/hav’st
been/shall be destroyed upon our Thinking.” Elemenstors 1:14
Simeltaneously/later/earlier, the Darkstorm began/continued/ended,
changing the Vales from their primordial, promethean state into
clearly defined elements.
Effects
174
Traces of the Vales’ previous admixture are still experienced as
hiccups in the practice of Elemenstation. Furthermore, due to the dual
existence of the Hierarchs as both forgers of the Starborn Gem and
as a eulithian resonance vector of the Elemenstors themselves flung back
into the past, the original four races were scattered across space and
time, appearing in the Saga Timeline through differing means at
differing times and in differing forms. Thus, while almost no one can
be sure of which race he or she is descended, it can be assured that all
people and creatures are/will be a descendant of either Furniture,
Kryatures, Sjkarblae, or Men.
The Dead Lands
A barren expanse of rocky uninhabitable terrain in southern Parsonya.
Crossing the Dead Lands is the quickest way to travel from The
Shield to The Sickle by land in unsundered eras.
In the center of the Dead Lands sits the bleakly ominous Hardahrock,
and it was around this aged monument that the Battle of the Bands of
Hardahrock, one of the 17 final battles in Book 12, was fought.
Odd Otto’s Greasy Pub is one of the last stops travellers can make
before entering the barren wastes.
Although it rarely rains in the Dead Lands, occasionally there are
brief Spark Storms, which are sudden cloud bursts of heavy rain and
devastating lightning.
“Jumb O’Mallet?”
”Yeah, he’s the executor of the will. He was Pappy
Snooky’s best friend and ....” I was cut short.
BOOM!
There was a crash of thunder as the sky lit up brightly
with a streak of lightning. In the wake of the clap, dark
clouds gathered and the sky became as overcast as
175
night. Several more bolts of lightning cracked across
the sky and more thunder soon followed. Finally, a
drenching rain started to fall.
”What’s happening!?!” I yelled as the wind started to
whip up around us.
”Spark storm! We had better find cover quickly.” she
said, grabbing my arm and pulling me off down the
path.
We ran down the hill and spotted a small cave in the
side of the next hill and we dashed inside. It wasn’t
very deep, little more than an overhang, but fortunately it was tall enough to stand up in and to not get
any wetter than we already were.
”I thought it never ever rained in the dead lands.” I
said. I was soaked and so was all of my things.
”It never does... Except once ever three or four years
when a spark storm will come along and drench the
area.”
”And any unsuspecting travelers who are misinformed
that it never rains in the dead lands,” I finished for her, in
my mind.
”Oh...” I said aloud. Obviously, her realm of knowledge extended beyond just magic.
Death in the Family: A Very
Special Wizbits
176
**The Wizbits, Episode 212
Aired 26 November, 2000**
Summary
In this episode, MooMaa returns with a vengance as Bladeweaver Moo
Maa. As the Wizbits enjoy some time in the city, Moo Maa blazes a
devastating trail, seeking his old foes. Rather than face all of them at
once, Bladeweaver Moo Maa isolates and strikes at them, spreading
his damage amongst the reuinted, yet frustratingly separated, Wizbits.
The episode reaches a tragic head when Moo Maa locates Amberberry
en route to facing Lander with a mind-controlled Skip. Amber
attempts to convince him of the goodness in his own heart, and, in a
cruel moment, is struck down effortlessly by Bladeweaver Moo Maa’s
blades.
The final battle of the episode exhibits just how exhilarating the
action scenes in Wizbits can be, and provide a satisfying cord of
vengeance against Moo Maa’s evil act.
Moral
Skip: Well, sometimes people die terrible grotesque deaths at the
hands of your most unspeakable enemies. You know what I like to
do when that happens? Borrow a straight razor and enjoy some time
alone with me, myself, and my wrists. Try it, kids!
Notes
•
The music that plays over Amberberry’s death and the final
battle with Moo Maa is none other than “Nights in White
Satin,” the Moody Blues song. While hailed as moving and
well-selected when originally played, James Langomedes has a
prominent hate for the song, the Moody Blues, and, incidentally, Amberberry. In accordance with James Langomedes’s wishes, the upcoming DVD release will replace
the song with “(Feel Like) Making Love,” by Bad Company.
177
•
•
•
•
This episode of The Wizbits was mentioned in Entertainment Weekly, where it was given an excellent review. Viewership of the show spiked shortly therafter. Ironically, the
screenshot of the episode and the Wizbits title in the review
were errors—the review was actually one of Law and Order:
Avant-Guarde Critics’ Fodder.
The original cut of the translated version of the show featured the mind-controlled Skip destroying Amberberry,
which James Langomedes found “immensely satisfying” but
others felt was too disturbing for children’s TV; replacement footage had to be animated on the quick. The silhouetted killing stroke of Moo Maa is rotoscoped footage of a
tall street bum tearing into an Amberberry-shaped mannequin filled with beef tripe and blood squibs, rigged to a
small explosive.
The episode was rated TV-Y7 and remains so, thanks to a
hefty bribe from General Defense Dynamics, as part of their
ongoing experiments into, quote, “turning the children of
today into the hardened soulless killing machines of tomorrow.”
This episode clashes with accepted canon, as Amberberry
dies later in Book 12 of the saga. Individual fans determine
which is their preferred end for her. Most opt for the books,
especially since Amberberry did not silhouettedly explode in
the book. The question is moot in the Japanese version, as
Amberberry neither appears nor dies hideously.
Cast and Crew
Written by
???
Directed by
178
???
Comments
I’m pretty sure it was Amberberry who met her end in this ep—or
did they call her something else and just reuse her character model?
...I knew I got the song wrong. Thanks for correcting. -Jute Mill
Dellberry
The rare Dellberry is, opposite to common misbelief, not found in
Delberry, Lander’s (from The Wizbits cartoon show]) home town. It is,
however found only in the lower left corner of The Sickle, in a tiny
little nation called Republic of Boysenrasp, and is rumored to have been
in The Satchel in Book 6, where the Satchel was revealed to contain
tasty berries and fruit.
The Dellberry is a commonly used ingredient in recipes such as Green
Marshmellow Stew and Penguinaroni, and requires being cooked for
several hours before being eaten. It was also used to flavor The Yogurt
of Doom.
Though considered a berry by most people, it is, according to a
character who mentions it in passing in Book 2, actually a spice.
It also makes an appearance in The Wizbits: Rockin’ and Boardin’, the
video game for GameBoy Advance, as an item that shrinks you at
touch, which it doesn’t.
179
‘This, my friend, is a Dellberry. However, the
Dellberry, as you might suspect, is not a berry but a
spice.’—character in Book 2
Department of Active Furnishings
The government agencies set up to catalog and control the number
of living furniture in the area. The people who work there are
jokingly called “Bureau-crats.”
Notable Officials
Gelnor Hathnistad - Head of Dresser Affairs (Dates?)
Hals Arthnimence - Vice Chancellor of Ottomans (Dates?)
Grim Paperpush - Minister of Furniture Affairs, Ezermethalon
Dim Elves
One of the noble races of Elves.
General Description
The least intelligent of the elven races, Dim Elves are kind and caring
and absolutely dull beyond belief. They live in a fuzzy-headed
harmony with their surroundings, devoid of any sort of conflict. This
offers adventurers precisely jack to do. Dim Elven lands are some of
the least-popular vacation spots on Battal.
180
The typical look of a Dim Elf is bland, gray skin. They have particularly bland hair-cuts. A bowl cut is common.
Dim Elves are primarily gatherers, eating nuts, berries and other
humdrum legumes and berries. They have a highly-developed musical
tradition that no one else cares about at all, which consists of holding
a single note for hours, and then—brace yourself—switching to a
different note. Dim Elves are born with an innate talent for elemenstation, which they use to repair torn shirts and locate ripe berries and
other mundane items. One would think the occasional fireball would
come to spice up the Dim Elves lives. They make an incredibly
strong liquor, famous for qualities not unlike air. Nobody likes or
dislikes the Dim Elves, nor do they pay the Dim Elves any amount of
stubstantial attention at all. They are too even-tempered to be fun to
torment, and so stupid that everyone else feels vaguely embarassed to
be around them. Besides, no member of the Dim Elf race has been
known to do anything even vaguely epic.
The Dim Elves inhabit the southern lands of Yymp, in the lands
surrounding their capital of Dwimelvan’astlevania.
Addendum from The works of The
Chronicler
There are legends that the Dim Elves or Dwimelvan’tesal (which
translates as the boring grey ones) were once an incredibly vibrant
and exciting people but that in a time long lost they sacrificed any
connection to the UR element of Epic to save all of creation.
Most modern scholars find this improbable and attribute the creation
of the ledgend to those people marked as “Dim Elf apologists.” One
of the greatest Dim Elven scholars (and a regular barrel full of
monkeys himself) was once quoted as saying, in a monotone voice,
“No way in hell, that is far too exciting to have anything to do with
Dim Elves.”
There is some evidence that lends credence to the legend though.
According to Lore (As well as the CCG and RPG), any spell with the
Epic- enhancement that is directed at a Dim Elf will automatically
fail. If the race were not so spectacularly boring this would most
likely be used by armies to their advantage. As it is, most would-be
181
conquerors cannot be bothered to learn this fact about the elves.
Phylogeny
It is speculated that the Dim Elves are primarily
descended from Furniture, with a limited admixture of
Sjkarblae ancestry. It is also quite possible that they are
a remnant of the Ecreekem Remnant who survived by
hibernating in the earth for millenia.
Militia
The Dim Elves maintain a militia of Falconriders which are almost
never called upon.
DivX
A small ambulatory machine box that is known to go to great lengths
to spite and insult anyone he can. His origin is the stuff of legends.
Some say he came from the fabled City of Sercut, in The Nether
Regions, but to this day and age, he still wanders aimlessly. Remarkably, he seems to be the only known being that can resist the lethal
effects of both Ayle and Ale, drinking both in large quantities to no ill
effect. In fact, the only symptom he displays is the tendency to hurl
even more verbal vitriol around, crescendoing into a frenzy of ad
hominem attacks and finally tiring out.
He has a purportedly nasty relationship with the Gabe entity, though
the exact nature of this relationship is unknown. Some even say that
Gabe is the one that brought him into existence.
182
Dogus Brankorking
One of the Wasted Elemenstors.
Familiar: Turnum the Smug Ape.
Born: 23,247
Died: 23,344. Dry-humped to death by the Tordingwall after a night of
binge drinking in Middleclang.
Before his demise, frequented the Pig’s Annoyance as a patron,
storyteller and braggart.
Canon References
•
•
•
Book 3 -- appears as a wide eyed and eager elemenstor in
training.
Book 4 -- Now an old elemenstor, who at the end of the
book hangs up his stave and joins the ranks of the Wasted
Elemenstors.
Book 5 -- Appears as a Wasted Elemenstor. His death by Tordingwall is chronicled here.
Small excerpts from his various bar tales forthcoming...
Felthar and Cubbard were out there somewhere; and they were
in danger. Even
with the warm fire of the hearth at his back and the cold,
smooth ale
sweating in his hand, Dogus knew that Gorg Stinkrot was out
there as well.
”Stinkrot,” Dogus cursed to himself under his breath, “Stinkrot
and that
damned nightstand.”
One of the bar maids seemed to have overheard this muttering
and stared at him
with big, concerned pupils.
”Worry not, child,” Dogus placated her, “These are but the
troubles
183
of an old Elemenstor...long out of the loop.”
She placed her hand on his shoulder and then smacked another
froth-spewing
mug onto the table next to him, leaving him to his thoughts.
His thoughts remained out the window, which framed a perfect
Middleclang night of trixillating stars over high-peaked
mountain ranges.
Somewhere out there, Dogus thought, Gorg was causing trouble
in Ezermethalon.
”He’s causing trouble and I’m not there to assist old Felthar,”
Dogus hissed.
Lifting his purple-furred head up, Teremus recovered from his
stupor long enough
to gaze at his bearded master.
”Back to your sweet-addled, temporary coma,” Dorgus lured,
“Back to the haze
we have both garnered for ourselves here in this drunken land.”
It had been many years since the Wasted Elemenstor had lived a
true tale of
heroics, looting and adventure, many a yearicle since he had
engaged himself
in some journey of worth and excellence. Now, he sat in the Pig’s
Annoyance,
oggling the lady-folk and entertaining the scarred patrons near
the kegs with
his tales of High Elemenstoring and dark deeds unwrought.
Looking at the snowy caps of the mountains, Dogus wondered if
he shouldn’t leave
it all, go back to a life as a great Fire Elemenstor, forge new
tales for
himself, and steal those of others. He could still return, he
mused, return
and live off the new tales here in this diminutive, hidden paradise
of ale
and skirt. Lately, Dogus had found he was exhausting his well
of stories
184
to impress and beguile the folk of Middleclang.
He had been improvising lately, and improvising badly. Many a
drunken night
he had crafted a poorly-conceived tale and he was beginning to
suspect the
townsfolk were now only humoring him and no longer believed
his recountings.
The Pig’s Annoyance was starting to let out. Few were left to
stagger on home,
and fewer still remained to buy Dogus drinks in exhange for
Dogus’ many epic
recallings. Tonight the chubby waitress, her considerable girth
and bossom
barely held tight underneath her white bar-maiden’s dress, was
the only one left
to listen. Would he enthrall her with tales of battle and mercy?
Would he
remain where he was, content to tickle her ear with an
Elemenstoring saga
or two? Or would he get up from this wooden stool, lay down his
basket of
deep-fried Runtberries and rejoin the great fight for the world of
Battal?
Dogus Brankorking, former Fire Elemenstor of Battal, awoke
on a slobbered
pillow, the smell of leaf smoke and wet ape-hair in his nostrils.
He turned
to peer over his shoulder. Plump and cute, flushed cheeks smiled
back at
him contentedly. Her bar-maiden’s red bow un-tied and lying
limp on her
beard-scratched shoulder. In the background of her chubby form
was the ape, snoring smugly in what Dogus assumed were
probably arrogant,
smug dreams.
”Tell me more of Elemenstoring, Dogus,” cooed the soggy barmaid, “Tell me more
of the furniture and the glory.”
185
Dogus turned over briefly to look out the window of his room.
The
snow-splattered mountain range was lit by an enduring sun now.
Somewhere
beyond them was his old friend, in trouble, somewhere out there
new stories were
still being lived...and TOLD.—Taken from Book 6,
Nightstand’s Peril”
Comments
I find it odd that the narrative in Book 6 switches between Felthar
and Dogus, as it often does in the other books of the cycle. I ask this
mainly because, although it seems to be leading up to Dogus leaving
his life of drinks and bar-wenches to save the world in book 13
(much like a han-solo type character), he never actually does. This
begs the question, what was the point of Dogus’ musings about
returning to Elemenstoring anyway? Perhaps he was meant to return
in the rumored 14th book? Perhaps his dry-humping and subsequent
death at the underbelly of the Tordingwall were added in lazily by
Tycho when he decided he would not be making the 14th book after
all? [email protected]
Dolphinthropes
One of the three races descended from Zonard (see also Halfmen).
Known for their vicious nature, Dolphinthropes, (once a peaceful
cattle race and now twisted by the nefarious powers of Dark
Elemenstation), take the acute intelligence for which any normal, rightthinking dolphin is famed and turn it into a dark and evilicious
cunning. Feared across all the land for their relentless savagery and
186
ability to breath above water, the Dolphinthropes were finally quelled
- along with their terrible cohorts, the Chthonic Swinemen and the Homo
Canii - by magnificently mighty High Elemenstor Noddy Chillbreezey in
Book 9. To put a stop to the vicious half-men’s mammalian fury,
Noddy was forced to utilize forbidden powers from the farthest
reaches of the Elmether. Soon after, the caterwauling music of the
forgotten elements he had used drove him insane, and he committed
an extremely distasteful suicide.
Even after Noddy’s great sacrifice, tribes and encampments of
Dolphinthropes, as well as both other races created by Zonard, exist
scattered around the wilds and cave systems of Battal. Although no
longer a great threat to the civilized races of the world, the creatures
retain every last bit of their smouldering hatred for humanity, and
Elemenstors in particular. They are a great threat to any and all
travellers, and should be avoided at all costs. However, if you should
happen to come across a carcass, Dolphinthrope meat is still just as
juicy and delicious as those who remember their time as livestock will
surely recall. Mother Nancy’s Fancy Cookbook faithfully retains the recipe
from ages past.
Dooblegnards
The Dooblegnards are strange creatures, resembling a cross between
a fish and a rhinoceros. They are able to walk the land, however, they
prefer to stay in dark places beneath the water.
On their backs is a substance even stranger than the Dooblegnards
themselves: a thick goo, nasty in appearance, but very nutritious. It is
also said that the goo has unspecified healing abilities. This goo is
raked off their backs by Tribbits known as Mucksuckers.
The Doomblade
The doomblade is an ancient double edged and double-ended
weapon of untold power, a dark mirror of the first of the 100 Swords
187
of Sepathok, The Gripless Sword. However, since it has two edges and no
haft, its impossible to wield in battle without cutting off one’s hand.
Therefore, the awesome destructive power of this weapon has never
been fully realized. The aforementioned destructive power would
have been pretty damned awesome (this is what distinguishes it from
the somewhat more mundane Gripless Sword), though, or so it is
rumored - knocking down buildings with a single brandish, slicing
through vertebrae and whatnot - so the sword’s uselessness is either a
damn shame or a lucky break for humanity, depending on how you
look at it.
Doorknob Marshals
Vile Furniliars, the lieutenants of Char Reyarteb during the latter years
of the Hierarch Wars. Previously unassuming doorknobs, granted a
parody of life by the evil powers of Dark Elemenstation. Burning with
the humiliation of a thousand twists, they amassed vast armies of
dark creatures all over Battal, swearing vengeance against those who
would callously grasp and turn them.
The Doorknob Marshals were destroyed with their foul master at the
Battle of Freedom’s Peril - the climax of the Hierarch Wars. Some say,
though, that a few survived... biding their time, waiting for some
naive innocent to grasp their hideous handles...
Dorc the Incontinent
King of Ezermethalon, a kingdom along the norther coast of The Shield.
Father of King Drongor the Unexpected. Deposed, in part, by Squidgy
the woodworm of Abercrombie who was at the time wielding Blade
Sword of the 100 Swords of Sepathok.
Note: Yes, it’s very strange that Squidgy was wielding one of the 100
188
Swords of Sepathok. (see comments on Book 5)
Doric
Doric is the knight of Gimba, the lady of Terle, and as such is the first
knight of the first female Terleian and the first knightful Terle. Rather
full of himself, Doric is nevertheless an able, confident, and widely
popular knight. He is the life of the party and well respected, and is
always the one to resolve a crisis. He takes charge even in situations
he may not be capable to handle, but his winning personality often
allows him to come through unscathed. This places great wear and
tear on his squire, Semmellhalt, who took to drinking after being
constantly overshadowed by Doric’s free-wheeling personality.
Doublemint
My main contributions have been drafting the original entries for
Book 10 and The Fourteenth Manuscript.
I wrote the entries for the planets Zonard and Phillip.
I also added Garth Ennis Presents: The Vampyric Wars and came up with
the title (but didn’t write the content) for Refractions in the Scattered
Light of Metallic Rainbows; A Retrospective Look at the Artistic Undercurrents
of Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Saga and Their Interplay with New Critcism,
Marxist Theory, and the Emergent Domain of Contemporary Virtue Ethics and
Platonic Character Actualization; Or, How I Learned to Ride Dragons.
There were some more minor additions and edits, but nothing else
major.
189
This is where the eggplant with brainmanglement Elemenstation
powers was discovered by a young MooMaa.
In Book 3 the minions of Xoxor Xxar picnic near here.
Dreemkast, the Dreamcaster
A great god referred to in the third chapter of Book 2.
Dreemkast was a great and powerful god, easily as powerful as Plesta
Shuntoo, his chief rival. He came down to the world to bring peace
and happiness, but he was cast away. His beauty and exclusively rare
enchanted discs were deemed to great for this world. He then
disappeared into the realm of shadows to never be seen again.
It is unclear if this story, told by Heeroh Troughberry, is another one of
the character’s purely allegorical inscrutable metaphors, or if he is
truely imparting some piece of the Battal pantheon that is indeed
canon.
The drinking and pill binge.
Overview
This refers to the latter period of Mr. Tycho Brahe’s life. Also referred
to in court documents as “the incident”, and divorce papers as “the
reason”. A lot of merchandising was given Tycho’s “rubber stamp”
during this period, which led to many an ill-conceived and poorly
manufactured toy.
After this period, Tycho increased his rate of publishing output by
10%.
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The Facts
In early 1997, the name of Tycho Brahe was increasingly on the lips of
CCG loyalists. The world of Horatio was so dauntingly epic and so
clearly inspired that its popularity was inevitable. By late July, Tycho
had received more than one postcard of appreciation. Yet popularity
was not a quality that Tycho had had to deal with before. What
followed, the drinking and pill binge, wasn’t made known to the
community until several years later, and then only few details. The
only truly verifiable facts known at this time are that Tycho Brahe
was hospitalized on July 26, 1997, and that whenever questioned by
uncouth fans Tycho quickly looks away (some say with a look of
great and terrible age), and is silent for a moment before turning to
another fan. Readers bewarned: the morbidly curious such as these
are often assaulted by more respecting fans. Whether Tycho’s
immediate actions following the binge were a result of the binge itself
or not is left to the reader to decide.
The Theories
From The Mundane
The most simpleminded say only that Tycho was unable to cope with
the popularity. Heretics even say that he was not expecting such
acceptance of his works, hoping to cash the advance on the 13 novel
saga before the publisher realized they wouldn’t be worth the printing
costs. (Note: This is included only for the sake of completeness; the
quality of The Elemenstor Cycle is undeniable to any with a human
spirit.) Either way the story goes on to say that in early July Tycho fell
into a haze after taking all of the over-the-counter drugs he could
find, seeking an escape from the increasing number of eyes cast his
way. Speculators continue (and the keen may note a certain light in
the eyes of these speculators, suggesting that they find some dark
pleasure in imagining the sorrows of the great author after, perhaps,
bearing the burden of long waits between book releases), that Tycho
finally brought himself to the George Washington Bridge in Manhatten
the night of the 26th, supposedly with thoughts of ending his life.
Noting the dedication “Gabe - It IS a Wonderful Life” in the
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beginning of Book 2, fans explain that he was saved by a friend and
subsequently hospitalized. The “punchline” is that Pfizer, the makers
of Sudafed, signed a marketing agreement in August making Sudafed
the only accessory used by nightstands.
Through The Paranoid
Another popular theory is that the entire matter is a fictitious
rumour. There are few verifiable facts beyond the hospitalization that
prove the occurance of such an event - while Brahe did make several
rash and inexplicable decisions during this period, they could just as
easily be explained by the aformentioned considerable stress. As a
result, many of Brahe’s more defensive fans still discard the entire
“incident” as a myth. This is considered quite plausible, as Brahe is
not without enemies. For example, Scott Kurtz was infamously
snubbed by Realmworlds Publishing when Brahe received the contract
for the Elemenstor cycle. Kurtz had, at the time, a better writing
record and a lower bid, and has always claimed that the decision
involved some form of foul play.
To The Fantastic
That The Elemenstor Cycle is so epic only because they are a transcription of real events is a notion held to by more than one of the
(greater?) community. That the Starborn Gem may be or was in
Tycho’s possession is, for now, unknowable, but speculation need not
rely on facts. “The Truth” as the theory is called, is that Tycho was
not given only the knowledge of Battal, but also of this world and his
own death in 1601. But, since Tycho is not nearly so powerful as
Harbinger Portent or Aklom Reklats, his mind is quite unable to cope
with even an elem of that rotary tillar of knowledge. Tycho may even
be subjegated to the Darkling Gem, beholden to transcribe the story of
all worlds for eternity. Unconfirmed reports say that the night of the
26th someone shouted “Sleep tight ya retards!”—a reference to
chronosorcillic curse? Given these maddening conditions, Tycho may
indeed have sought an escape that dark night. But were his plans
foiled by loving friends or by the Starborn Gem? On that note I will
leave you with this newspost I saved back from when rec.arts.elothtes
was around:
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Well... I actually met Tycho. Nov ‘96--release day for the first book. I
was way into the CCG back then. Tycho was at the bookstore to pick
up a copy for himself, (I guess Realmworlds Publishing didn’t bother to
send him a proof), and we got to talking. I was probably the first fan
he met, before he knew what was going to happen. Anyways, I
actually went to his place (I couldn’t say no—I was still young and a
real live author wanted to hang out with -me-!) and got to talking. It
was like he was letting me in on some big secret, even though I had
bearly cracked the book open yet. Anyways, it got late and I was
thinking about going home when he started to act real funny. Casting
glances to his bedroom, he whispered furiously to me. “I can’t stop.
It... won’t let me... STOP.” Then he whipped out a knife from
somewhere and... I’m getting the chills again. Gah, I can’t bear to
think of this, its been years, but... He cut his fingers off. I saw it.
Then.. then they, they grew back. I mean... I just.. I still have
nightmares. He let me in on this secret, and its been eating at me like
it does him. But I can’t deal with it anymore. I wish I had come face
to face with Cthulhu instead, you know? I mean, at least he’s a
SLEEPING god. Needless to say, I soiled myself and ran the hell
away from there.
•
The Truth-
Also see The Unspeakable.
Drinking Games
It is said that the port city of Bizarkule raised the simple bar activity of
drinking games to a refined art, respected and honored throughout
Battal. As a result, almost all bar regulars know at least a little bit of
Darv (or at least simp).
Popular Drinking Games of Battal:
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•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Nyagy Ab: Drink Up
Ranog Quarum: Hidden Orange
Trug Stuz: Liar
Brubber Steeb: Strange Mitten
Iarba Roo Begol-vix-zekkot, Bru’stoove Lopok Aynikkoree: A “drinking game” only played on Jubilee Day, by
those who remember the true spirit of the season. (Literally
night of drunk with alcohol, make dead many enemies.) Commonly
referred to by its simp name Iarbaroo. Every time you smite
someone with a copy of Ronard’s Hammer, you take a drink.
Repeat, increasing frequency of smitings.
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
!: Dance of Staying Out Really Late And Drinking Too
Much Pear Schnapps You Stole From Your Father’s Chest
Tret aug Nyagy: Colloquially three-bottle battles.
(feel free to list more)
Commonly heard Darvish drinking terms:
Darv
Literal
Translation
guah inta
liquid play
bongor dooslee
apple
person
guzag
an attractive
woman
kahned
kah ned: a
single
goodbye
nikbix nushka
without
drinking
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Loose Meaning
drinking games
a drunk
a woman who is only attractive
after consuming much mead
The first drink of the night
a tavern. This is a very popular
name for taverns in Battal, and
water
inta glark
play, thank
you
druk darv darv
I speak
darv.
chugga wugga
nient
Please pass
the cup
almost every large town has a
Nikbix Nushka
A standard invitation to partake
in drinking games.
This person is a very heavy
drinker, and not to be challenged to bongor dooslee.
“Serving wench! Bring me more
ale!”
King Drongor the Unexpected
Son of Dorc, king of Ezermethalon. A character from Book 6.
A friend of Gavment’s from Dwarfsdown who was slain by Xoxor Xxar.
Dwarfsdown
A tranquil Dwarven village in the Mardath Highlands of western
Mandleclang.
The first of the Forge-Kings to make Dwarfsdown his seat of power
was Ungrata the Unforger.
Home of Dthr’nex.
195
In Book 3 it is razed by Evilnor
Everyone in the party knew that as soon as they
rounded the bend it the path, the forest gave way and
the valley stretched out before them. Dwarfsdown, with
its warm mugs of mead and scratchy beds of hay
would be waiting to welcome them back after these
too long days of journey.
Gavment noted a satchel lying beside the trail that
appeared to have been dropped in haste. As he bent
down a shrill and girlish shriek pierced the chill air of
early evening. He looked up and High Culimancer
Bertrick was standing just ahead of him on the path,
one hand covering his mouth, and another pointing
into the valley, and just out of Gavment’s view. It was
then that Gavment saw the black smoke which was
drifting lazily above the trees.—Book 3
Dwarves
In the Elemenstor saga, Dwarves are very similiar to their Tolkienesque counterparts in most other fantasies. However, there are
some differences.
Culture
Dwarves are excellent at nearly all varieties of forging, mining and
brewing. This is because Dwarves are naturally predisposed to being
obsessive. They will sometimes go for days without food or sleep in
196
an attempt to get their work done. Of course, no one can spend all
their time like this. So every sixth week, the festival of Krakajak is
held. While to Dwarves, Krajajak is an enriching, defining, and
spiritually uplifting experience, to all other races it looks like a cross
between an enormous week-long drug binge and a temple orgy. This
makes Dwarves one of the fastest breeding (not to mention polygamous) races of Battal. This is handy, as Dwarves aren’t terribly good
at making sturdy mine props. The same sort of approach is used in
Kranakakrak, the Dwarven art of war. All the obsessiveness into
crafting perfect swords and jewels is focused into lopping the
enemies head off. This means that a Dwarven army resembles several
thousand whirling balls of metal and fury, prominently featuring the
dwarven combat art of Axehammery.
Wandering
When Dwarves enter their adolesence (age 54-67), they feel an
overwhelming urge to visit the wider world, or as they know it, the
Overground. Nearly all Dwarves met in the Elemenstor Saga are
wandering. While not in a state of either Kranakakrak or Krakajak,
they attempt to do as much of both as possible.
Dwarf Women
Dwarf Women are not described in the Elemenstor saga or its
various properties. When pressed, Tycho Brahe muttered darkly
about his ex-wife.
Longevity
A Dwarf can typically be expected to live about 850 years before
expiring of what one might term “old age” although certainly it is not
unusual for a dwarf to do himself in before that, sometimes explo197
sively. There are of course a few notable exceptions to the upper limit of
dwarven life span.
Government
The Dwarves are fairly autonomous, but they are technically led by
the Forge-King, and their capital city is Grothondogrim.
Cuisine
Dwarven cuisine is noted throughout the realms, as they devote every
bit as much care, precision, and manic obsession to their food as they
do to their weapons and their warfare. The basic ingredients are root
vegetables, a domestic rabbit-like beast called a Nurbilak, and a
variety of spices, most of which are processed, distilled, or otherwise
concentrated to the point where most other races purchase them as
poisons. Dwarven cooking, if the consumer survives, is considered a
unique experience. Most non-Dwarven epicures recommend making
a stew from a bite-size piece of Dwarven cuisine and a large pot of
chicken broth. (Serves 8-10)
Alcohol
No discourse on Dwarven culture would be complete without at least
a passing mention of alcohol. Alcohol is part of a dwarf’s life from
his first sip of his mother’s milk. Dwarven milk is 40 proof. From
there it only goes up. Dwarven ‘beer,’ while technically made from
hops and barley and therefore beer, is 60 proof, and dwarven whiskey
is their own personal gift to alcoholism (and industrial solvents).
Dwarves rarely drink less than a stijn at a time, defined as a container
large enough to wear as a hat*. A yajuk is large enough to quench a
battle axe in, and a jagil bigger than a yajuk but smaller than a gifr,
which is large enough to bathe in (see The Griffled Duck). A beznov is
not so much a measure of volume as a measure of how much raw
alcohol it takes to make Dwarven women hot.
The most potent alcoholic beverage was created Grammabad Fireblood,
who called it the Hierarch Hammer. He downed a pint, belched, and
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the ensuing alcohol fire killed 50 of his kinsmen. It is beleived that
even the most foolish of Dwarves will not often dabble in Ridiculously
Alcoholic Beverages, however this opinion is often changed after a few
dozen gallons of normal Ale and the ritual Dwarven challenge of
Dormadund. This challenge consists of slamming down some coins on
a bar, presenting the challengee with something disgusting or
dangerous to consume, and spouting the phrase: “I dare ye!”
Sadly, this leads to the fact that Acute Alcohol Poisoning is not as rare as
it should be among such a hardy folk.
Pantheon
The Dwarven Gods
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Frimarillion - Goddess of strong dwarven drink
Mongaard - God of beards and the harvest
Saturkaz - Goddess of cavern depths
Suntor - The Forge Lord, high king of the Dwarven Pantheon
Thurskurk - Usually represented as taking the form of some
sort of pack animal, the diety of a lightened load
Tuessus - God of Dwarven Lore and Music, also titled “God
of Elven Loathing” (controversial)
Wednesrok
Calendar
Dwarves strictly adhere to the Dwarfish Calendar which is different
from the regular Ronardian Calendar used by the rest of the world. The
months have the same names as the standard Battal 6, but the weeks
are only 7 days long. Each day is named for a god of the Dwarven
pantheon.
•
•
•
•
Sunday - for the god Suntor
Monday - for the god Mongaard
Tuesday - for the god Tuessus
Wednesday - for the god Wednesrok
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•
•
•
Thursday - for the god Thurskurk
Friday - for the goddess Frimarillion
Saturday - for the goddess Saturkaz
Rivalry
Dwarves hate Elves. They have no problems with Witch-Elves, which
to the uninitiated is confusing, but to most makes perfect sense.
Note
The two goddess days which end the week are “days of rest” for the
Dwarves, known appropriately enough as the “week end days.” As
Thursday evening marks the end of the work week, “Thank Thurskurk its Thursday” (TTIT) is of course a popular expression.
*stijn often double as helmets for dwarves on the go.
Dyemons
Dyemons are the names given to the creatures who roam the various
realms of the Elmether. They are mostly found, however, on the
Nastier Planes.
Dyemons are generally considered to be demons, having almost all
the qualities of your average, run of the mill demon. However, the
major difference is that Dyemons are color-coded. Nobody is quite
sure why, but the darker the color of the Dyemon, the more nasty it
is believed to be. For example a purple or black Dyemon would be a
huge undertaking to defeat, while a white or pink Dyemon might be
slain with something like a feather or wet noodle. There are also
rumors of more colorful Dyemons such as Plaid, based on the nature
of Plaid it is assumed that they exist in the NastiestPlanes. Because of
this, it is suggested to always check the color of Dyemons in the area
when entering one of the Nastier Planes, for it will tell you if it’s just
200
one of the NastyPlanes or perhaps one of the NastiestPlanes that you
are transversing.
“You’re the silly ones. Not us.”
Methods of defeating dyemons
Dyemon
Colour
White
Plane
Nasty
Identifying
Characteristics
Very Fat,
Short Arms
Weapon
of
Slaying
Feather
Pink
Nasty
Covered in
pink fur, ugly
head
Pointy
Stick
Light
Nasty
Skinny, Large
Boot
Method of
Slaying
Topple the
dyemon by
pushing it
over and
then rub
feather along
soles of its
feet
Shake pointy
stick at
dyemon
while
shouting.
Causes
dyemon to
turn into
scared
quivering
mass
Kick it in the
201
Blue
eyes
Beige
Covered in
thorns,
gibbers
constantly
Desert
Sky
Horse
Ihmho
Cow
202
Nastier
Nastier
Tall, Lanky
bodies
covered in
scales and
spikes
Various
Looks like a
big mean
insect horse
with burning
hooves
Nasty
Like a big
depressedlooking cow
with several
extra horns
Crotchal
region with a
good boot,
repeat until
defeated
Salt
Avocado
Carrots
Being
cooked
Throw some
salt on it.
They hate
that.
The quickest
way to
victory is to
spread
guacamole
all over the
dyemon’s
body. Of
course, no
one has been
that brave to
try it
Ironically,
Dyemon
horses hate
carrots, yet
cannot resist
them.
Ihmho cows
are too
depressed to
fight back a
slightly
determined
chef wanting
to harvest
some Greef
Earth
Earth (commonly referred to as “dirt” in
academic circles) is one of the basic four
elements of creation, and thus of High
Elemenstation. It represents stability,
orderliness, ancient secrets, trees and
plants, green things and old age. Its
symbol in the CCG is the Ball of Clay or
Ginger Snap.
Earth is represented symbolically in the Weighty Tome of Elemenstor by
an old man dozing off on a porch. Earth Elemanifestations can
summon Golemonsters made of dirt and, well, earth.
An Earth Elemenstor is also known as a Stoner and is the second
least common variety of Elemenstor.
is the ancient character the Hierarchs used for writing
the word Earth. It is often woven into the clothes of Earth Elemenstors, or printed in their magical items. The character is part of the
typeface used in printing the Elemenstor Cycle books and often
appears in place of the word earth when referring to Earth Elemenstation.
Related
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•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Elements
Air
Water
o Ice
o White Water
Fire
Earth
Heart (Debated)
Life
Death
Stream
Carry
The Four Vales
Epic Fan Companion (EFC)
A heavily footnoted and suplimented line of The Elemenstor Cycle
Books. Great for a true fan.
EFC Editions exist for at least 10 of the 13 existing novels.
Effervescent Lake
Tucked in the lowland forest that covers the foothills of the Wang
Mountains, the Effervescent Lake is a naturally-occurring body of
carbonated water. Fed by underground springs that pass through
near-limitless deposits of sodium bicarbonate, the Effervescent Lake
is a crackling, fizzing wonder that changes colors throughout the year
as the springs leech new deposits of tinted minerals. Running from its
northern shores is the Effervescent River, which sadly loses its
bubbling fizziness just a few short ploisnu downstream, as the
meandering water makes its way over rocks and stones.
Miraculously, the Effervescent Lake is home to a variety of fish, all of
204
which are highly sought after, not only for their rainbow-flecked
flesh, but for their nearly boneless bodies. In truth, the fish are not
boneless, but instead suffer from a serious calcium deficiency, the
source of which no scholar has discovered. (It is thought by some to
be a lingering aftereffect of The Unsundering, when the great vibration
caused by the clasping together of The Sickle and The Shield rendered
the fishes’ bones fragile and nearly textureless.)
In the 25th Millenia, the Effervescent Lake became home to the
Elemenstor Archibald Almalastor. His work, which ushered forth The
Resundering ironically led to the diversion of the very underground
springs which fed the lake from which he took his full title. The
Effervescent Lake was dry as a sorcerial’s pelvis swaddling just a short
year later.
At the bottom of the Effervescent Lake is a glowing portgate portal
which leads to the cavern of portgate portals.
Ekezenthal
Introduced at the end of Book 10, the later bride of Arkazanthal,
Ekezenthal was born in the shadow of Mount Wor and was trained in
the arts of Dark Elemenstation, specifically The Unspeakable. Her dark
powers were rent asunder by her rebirth as an Elemenstor of Luminosity
when her Rubian was reforged by Water Elemenstation to one of purity.
Then she began her long quest to train as an Ice Elemenstor, yet always
her Elemenstation had tints of Darkness and The Unspeakable.
Eventually Amberberry sundered the Blossomwand and at this happy
occasion it was realised by Ekezenthal and Arkazanthal that they were
in love. Their wedding is uniquely romantic and considered by many
to be the most touching and well crafted sequence in the series.
A character called Ekezenthal also appears in the Erotic Blade of
Shanari. She is however dressed in a lace handkerchief and some olive
oil, and seems unlikely to be the same one.
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Fan Art
lanfariestel the Easily Convinced
Elanfariestel the Easily Convinced should have realized he was too
easily convinced to do things by his nickname, but someone easily
convinced him that his nickname actually meant he was “a real sexy
guy.”
Many, many people abused this poor man for their various needs, but
the most well known was Dark Master convincing him to gently
nudge Princess Crystalcrown off of Mount Wor, thus betraying her.
His loyal friends pointed out, however, that anyone who so earnestly
believed nonsense was a great person to liven up conversations and
parties, and he was singlehandedly responsible for more fads and
crazes than anyone else, often at the behest of Merm the Cruelish
Prankster. (See Fish Spooning, Land Waiting, and Bell Caging)
206
After the unsundering, Elddim’s Peak rose from the exact geometric center of the Shield. It was to this hallowed mount that three
children of Valedaleglenhill were sent to enlist the aid of the
Elemenstors. Despite that fact that the distance between Valedaleglenhill and Elddim’s Peak in the Shield is over eight hundred
miles, the children of Valedaleglenhill made the journey in less than nine
days on foot, leading fans to speculate that some form of teleportation was used. Supporting this theory is the fact that the children
crossed the perilous Lands of Va in their journey, a detour which
would have added another three hundred miles to their journey.
Interestingly, Elddim’s Peak is also magnetic north in Battal, making
navigation by compass very tricky indeed. Regardless of this, cultural
north remains toward the Great Iceberg Sea, which further confuses the
issue.
Eldersbane
A popular dark myth of Battal.
A flying castle of sky-blue stone, and with mysterious ruler.
The home of the sinister and powerful Archmagi of Eldersbane.
In Book 8 the myth collides with Young Asana Millytopthought, who
discovers that ELdersbane is very real.
Eldritch Rift
The Eldritch Rift was a cataclysmic rift created in 10,345 when Zonard
clashed with Yar the Sorcerial and set off a massive amount of energy.
This energy was known as the Eldritch Rift (from the Cohoris “to
crack an egg”) and split the world into three portions: The Shield, The
Sickle, and the third, very secretive and epic, Cataclysmic Bluont. The
effects of the Eldritch Rift are long-reaching, as even after Harbinger
Portent reconnected The Shield and The Sickle, the Cataclysmic Bluont still
remains disconnected and epic.
207
Elemenstation
The art used by Elemenstors to accomplish all sorts of fantastical feats
that would otherwise require the use of sorcery, which is not
Elemenstation at all and is not practices by Elemenstors. For more
on how an Elemenstor elemenstates, see the entry on Elemanifestations.
See Also: Types of Elemenstation
Elemenstors
Elemenstors are channellers of elemental forces, and summoners of
Elemanifestations. A Female Elemenstor, particularly an evil one, is
called anElemenstrix.
The type of power wielded by an Elemenstor is determined both by
their primary Element (See Types of Elemenstors) and by where they are
on the spectrum from Low Elemenstor to High Elemenstor (See: Types of
Elemenstation).
A skilled Elemenstor is usually in possesion of an Elemenstave,
through which he augments his arcane powers.
See Elemenstors: An Introduction. Types of Elemenstors. Types of Elemenstation
Notable Elemenstors, as accounted in the wiki:
•
•
•
•
•
•
208
Alice Phallus
Ann’Dee Gray-Bull - Ice
Archibald Almalastor - earth
Arkazanthal - Ice
Armba Alomba - Air
Bonar Thustrian
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Casey Vandershroud - fire
Char Reyarteb
Dogus Brankorking - wasted
Edwin of Historic Girth - stream
Elais Timor
Ekezenthal - The unspe.
Felthar
Four Underdogs/The Wizbits - see Answers finally cleared
up here or details
Fulgstor’d Yyyrysssla -Death
Gavment - Fire
Gendoman Ovelkus
Gilbert Bumflare - Fire
Gilgamar Smith - Death?
Gorg Stinkrot
Grimfleur
Halordicus the Bald - Unknown
Harbinger Portent
Jarvelos
Just Annkha
Kapybara
Killer Black - Unlight
Lady Ambivilia - Air
Lady Sporath
Laethwin the Younger - wasted
Larrana Modpeer
Liverbrux the Frankly Jaded
Low Elemenstor Rosinquist
Mad Elemenstor Arathor
Madam Franceen Elvangella
Mordichai Alamede
Nilfrem - wasted
Noddy Chillbreezey - Water
Qaxrad of Syzz
Ray Charebet
Resc Vored -Ice
Revolp Darkblood
Serafina Haberdasheron
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Sotar Olderndirt - Earth
Stefarina the Vile Temptress -stream
Theoric the Eversnide, high augur
Toobanor - fancy water
Ubrith
Vhadxi?
Wolfgang Apprentice - Water
Xuxan Xarandon - Life
Zuumont
Elemenstor Cycle Timeline
The primary action of the books takes place during The Rise Of The
Elemenstors, which covers the span of years 20,034 to 25,478 (TRotE).
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20,034 - The Tribbit Horatio accidentally frees the Pixlie Bibee,
thereby setting into motion the events of Book 1.
20,036 - Zenethir Foulblade leaves Mount Windice, with the help
of the Omniscarf, and travels south, beginning a reign of
terror which will last for five years (?).
20,041 - The refugee Troughberrys (Orphenna Troughberry and
Heeroh Troughberry) begin their accidental quest to overthrow
Foulblade, which is the central action in Book 2.
20,109 - Book 3, the Soul Prison of Xoxor Xxar is accidentally
unlocked by Bendloyer Felkin. Gavment begins his quest for
the Rubion Sword to oppose this ancient evil.
20,206 - Gorg Stinkrot begins his search for the legendary
Underpants of the Underdeep, driving the events of Book 5.
20,217 - Gorg Stinkrot animates a Nightstand. Chaos within
the kingdom of Ezermethalon brings it to the brink of war
with neighbors Terle and Farnvania, as told in Book 6.
The Elemenstor of Light
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The Elemenstor of light is an Elemenstor who harnesses the power of
positive energy, with three way access to the Life, Stream, and possibly
Heart elements.
Basically, a legendary good guy. Stories told throughout Battal
predicted that he would appear to help save the world at its darkest
hour.
In Book 12, the Elemenstor of Light shows up at last and ends up
working for the big bads. The incident was nightmarish and horrific
at first, but was looked upon with lulz afterward, at least by the
survivors of the incident.
See: Ray Charebet
Elemenstor Radio Dramas
A 12 part radio programme produced for BBC Radio by Robert
Hungford which chronicles the events leading up to and just beyond
the defeat of the near invincible Char Reyarteb at the hands of The
Four Underdogs. The chronology of events differs from those as told in
The Wizbits Cartoon, primarily these differences rest on the fact that
the heroes are all about 10 years older than they are in the Wizbits.
Another major point of departure is that the final battle against Char
is not the Battle of Blackshadow Skullspire, but rather the battle takes
place in the caverns of the Savage Barrenlands and is referred to as the
Battle of the Rebuilt Kingdom.
The first 4 episodes of the drama retell the same story of how the
Four Underdogs met and befriended each other, each episode telling
the tale from the perspective of a different member.
Episode Guide:
1. Earth’s Song
2. Out of Thin Air
3. Raging Fire
4. Still Waters
5. Witch Canyon
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6. Travelling Days
7. A Voice from the Past
8. MooMaa’s Unstoppable Force
9. Destiny and Revenge
10. Atonement
11. Into the Underland of the War Men
12. Battle of the Rebuilt Kingdom
approx. running time per episode: 53 minutes
Elemenstrix
In The Elemenstor Cycle, the title Elemenstrix is sometimes used to
describe Female Elemenstors, particularly those of Dark Elemenstor
disposition.
Otherwise ignorant readers of The Elemenstor Cycle sometimes invent
the term ‘Elemenstini’, in this case incorrectly.
Elements
See: Complete List of Elements
Introduction
There are eight elements (though some make the case for nine, and
still others for ten). The original four elements (Earth, Air, Water,
and Fire) are self-explanatory-they make up the fiber of being in all
people, and all matter is composed of a mixture of the four. There is
also a “better” Element associated with Water, that being Ice. Of
course, whether Ice is actually better than Water tends to hinge on
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what kind of Elemenstor you are. The Brotherhood of the Unliquid Water
has an obvious preference, whereas most Fire Elemenstors claim
never to have seen Ice used in a battle.
The secondary four elements build upon the original four, composing
the soul and life force of existence. Life and Death is a constant
struggle for control, allowing growth or withering in living things. In
similar fashion, Stream and Carry are the competing forces in nonliving items, dueling for control. Many elemenstors object to their
being categorised as “secondary” as their nature is totally orthogonal
to the “primary” elements and thus they are in no way below them.
The speculative “element” of Heart is hotly debated, and is included
here for completeness.
Beyond the secondary elements there are also tertiary and Quarternary
Elements, although they are seldom spoken of as such. Tertiary
elements are generally refered to by a sub catagory such as Biological
Elements. Some argue that the proper places of Ice, White Water, and
Heart are as tertiary elements.
See also The Elemental Wheel
Primary Elements
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Earth (represented as Hazel in the CCG)
Air (represented as Cyan in the CCG)
Water (represented as Blue in the CCG)
o Ice (represented as a Better Blue color than the
Blue that Water uses in the CCG)
o White Water (not represented in the CCG, it was
sold as a nearly flavorless Italian ice by Realmworlds Delicious Freezees Inc. in 1983)
Fire (represented as Red in the CCG)
Heart (Debated)
Secondary Elements
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Life (represented as Green in the CCG)
Death (represented as Black in the CCG)
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Stream (represented as White in the CCG)
Carry (represented as Yellow in the CCG)
Note: there is some question as to whether “Element” is the best
word to describe the Secondaries, as they are more akin to Forces.
Still, the eight elements have been called as such since the debut of
ELotH, so the nomenclature will probably stick. We very politely tell
the Semantics Nazis who want to change tradition to go sit on the
100 Swords of Sepathok.
Ur-Elements
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Farth
Airth
Wir
Eir
The Ur-Elements are a somewhat more complex concept than the
modern Primary Elements, as they encompass not only the predecessor of a modern Element, but also the creation of certain Races, a
place in which these Races lived, and other characteristics. See The
Four Vales.
Ur-Ur-Elements
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Epic
Spacenes
Timenes
Voidnes
These Ur-ur or primal elements as they have been referred to are
representations of the substance that all other elements and existence
exists in. They are powerful in the extreme and unusable by all but
the most extremely Epic or powerful beings, the Hierarchs. Some say
that the Hierarchs themselves are ruled by Timenes and Epic, swimming
in them as meatballs swim in a bowl of alphabet soup.
Dark Elemenstation Facets
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Also worth mentioning, though not quite elements in and of
themselves, are the facets of Dark Elemenstation:
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Blood
Unlight
The Unspeakable
These are not to be confused with two well known techniques of
Dark Elemenstation, Wrack and Witherance.
Elementals and Dark Spirits
All of these forces have living embodiments which can be summoned
by an Elemenstor, but which also have their own free wills and can be
encountered on any of the planes of the Elmether. The four basic
elements manifest as Elementals, the Dark Elements manifest as Dark
Spirits.
Other Elements
Additionally, being that the world of the Elemenstor Saga is heavily
element based, there are a variety of other elements that make up the
Battal pseudo-scientific/elemental/magical and common view of the
world.
In the set of Tertiary Elements there are groupings of Biological
Elements (both humoric and non-humoric), the so-called “NonMalleable Elements” (according to The Holy Sisters of the Sacred Sink), and
several other groupings.
Additionally there are a whole set of Quarternary Elements, which are
numerous and varied.
Not Elements In The Purest
Sense, But Close Enough To Be
Listed Here
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Although not elements in the purest sense of the word, there are
nonetheless certain materials which occur only on Battal due to the
presence of Elemenstation. These two quasi- or pseudo-elements
should never be confused with each other.
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Elendendium
Elemenstronium
Terminology
With 252-271 elements (exact number is subject to debate) each with
a unique relationship to each other and various groups classifing
things differently keeping track of the proper terminology can be
complex.
Most basically elements are divided into levels, each level deriving
from the last. Rspectively these are Ur-Ur, Ur, Primary, Secondary,
Tertiry, and Quaternary. Oftentimes a level name will be used to
refer to a juxtapostion between elements, for example: to say that an
element is secondary to a secondary means it’s a tertiary, to say it’s ur-ur to
a tertiary means it’s a primary, to say it’s quaternary to a ur-ur means it’s a
secondary.
Within levels the most important distinction is it’s proximity.
Elements are either Inner, Inner Middling, “Outer Middling”, or
Outer. Proximity is determined by a mathmatical formula,
“Psynorick’s discreet quantum inverse trigomatric function” in
relation to it’s postion in the octahedric hyperprism hypothesis. However
since few except the High Mathematician Psychic are able to understand
this formula people tend to simply look it up and take the book’s
word. For tertiary and quaternary elements a usefull rule to rememeber
is that three primary codons make an inner, two primary and one
secondary make an inner middling, one primary and two secondary make a
outer middling, and three secondary make a outer.
For further information on an octrahedrically-based classification
system, please refer to the Elemental Classifation Chart.
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Elmether (or, The Elmether)
The Elmether is a mysterious concept. It alternately seems to refer
to the entirety of the universe or the fabric of space-time-elements.
The universe is made up of “particles of Elmether”, but it is also
referred to as “the Elmether as a whole”, and sometimes “the whole
ball of Elmether”.
It is known that the Elmether is divided into “planes”. On the
Highest Plane dwell the Hierarchs. There are many other planes,
among them the NastyPlanes, Nastier Planes, and NastiestPlanes, which
are inhabited by Dyemons and other malevolent creatures, and the
Summit of the Skies, birthplace of Gespeshio. The world of the Shield and
Sickle (and Cataclysmic Bluont) is presumably another plane of the
Elmether...or perhaps it is the only realm not part of it?
Controversially, believers in the octahedric hyperprism hypothesis suggest
that the true nature of Elmether is actually The Unspeakable. In that
approach, the catastophic effects associated with -The Unspeakablestem from the damage that such elemenstation does to the Elmether
itself.
Battal is one of the few planes inhabited by life as we know it. The
other planes of the Elmether are inhabited by far stranger beings,
including Elementals and Dark Spirits.
For a list of the planes of Elmether, see the Locations page.
ELotH : The Furnishing
First published in March 1998, ELotH : The Furnishing is a tabletop
roleplaying game system around the enormously successful Epic
Legends of the Hierarchs brand created by Realmworlds Publishing.
The first edition took the form of a 220 page large format paperback
the binding of which lacked any durability whatsoever. Published by
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Elemenstors of the Peninsula (EotP), it spared every possible expense in
filling the book with mediocre fantasy art and large extracts from
various ELotH novels to which EotP owned the rights.
The game system itself was designed by the then highly non-famous
Mark Danube-Splathagen and his team of no dedicated playtesters.
Despite his knowing little of ELoTH canon and even less about
roleplaying system design, the game was a huge cult success. Critics
ascribed this success to three main factors:
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Elemenstors are fundamentally way cool. Who doesn’t want
to be one?
Mediocre fantasy art frequently depicts scantily clad females.
A roleplaying nerd and his money are easily parted.
The game’s background was taken from The Savage Brutality of the War
Men. This was an excellent decision since it enabled players to focus
on mashing enemies into a pulp without worrying unduly about
character motivations, the details of the world’s rich cultural
background or any of that other tedious stuff.
The second edition of the game, released in December of the same
year represented a huge step forward and is still played today by some
beardy types who are really too old for roleplaying games. This time
the rulebook was a glossy hardback of some 320 pages, illustrated by
the finest fantasy artists of the day. And yet - fortunately for fans of
the game - the same cheesy themes still prevailed, the art was still
mostly nubile girls and the pages still fell out of the binding after a
few months.
The game left a real mark on the history of roleplaying. Perhaps most
importantly in retrospect it popularised roleplaying amongst female
gamers who loved the home improvements angle represented by the
game’s animated furniture.
Despite its success the game was not without its critics. Ironically,
some of the fiercest critics were ELotH fans themselves. Particular
points of contention were:
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In ELotH canon the High Priestess Phyllana sacrificed her
own life to defeat Gr’z’tok. In ELotH : The Furnishing it
was relatively straightforward for any well equipped party of
player characters to take him down. Indeed, it became
something of an in-joke amongst gamers that a battle wasn’t
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really a battle unless it ended with Gr’z’tok being defeated
again.
The system of critical fails for skill tests was considered to
be somewhat weak. For example, if you rolled a critical fail
whilst attempting to insult someone then your head would
explode from your shoulders and land 2D6 yards away in a
random direction.
The experience system was felt my some to be overpowered. In some cases it would be possible for a character to
have no magical abilities when he woke up in the morning
and be able to summon a firebreathing Edwardian threepiece suite before bedtime that evening.
The NPC list in the back of the rulebooks contains stats for
Lord Hopebane, Harbinger Portent, Lord Kinlo, MooMaa, Shezdor
and many others from completely different time periods.
This encourages the running of horribly anachronistic adventures (which may or may not handwave about Temporal
Elemenstration in an effort to explain away the blatant nonsense).
It is rumoured that ELotH Online: The Bloodrage Chronicle draws some
of its elements (no pun intended) from ELotH : The Furnishing.
Certainly it is true to say that many of the staff at Sculptured Software
Inc are beardy types who are really too old for roleplaying games, but
still play ELotH : The Furnishing on a weekly basis.
Controversy
The game and its rival, the ELotH: TES - Pen and Paper RPG, were
printed nearly simultaneously. The main reason why is because Tycho
Brahe was in the midst of his infamous tizzy and forgot about the first
when he liscensed the second.
Various opinions are held as to which game is better; while The
Furnishing sold more and is generally more popular, fans of the
original claimed the system was better suited to ELOTHTES because
it emulated the dramatic tropes of the series, wheras The Furnishing
was a bare-bones adaptation to a premade system. Others claim the
original game was too baroque and oddly unbalanced, and also had
too many supplements to keep up with. No conclusion has been
reached, but many amusing fistfights are had at conventions.
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My tabletop group always started new players off on “The Furnishing” because of its simplicity and normal sided dice. After they
became familiar with the setting we would wean them off and get
them into ELotH: TES - Pen and Paper RPG. The multitude of stats
and monolithic advantages/disadvantages system always seemed
daunting to new players. It definitely takes some time to learn how to
roll a d7 or a d9 correctly.
Wasn’t there a whole offshoot of ELotH:TF novels as well whose
legality and canon status was never fully clarified? Whatever happened to that? kmr
I’m still confused as to why EotP were allowed to make an ELotH
RPG in the first place, when Black Fox Games had already made one
the previous year, generally known as the ELotH: TES - Pen and Paper
RPG, or ELotH:TESTP&PRPG for short. In fact, wasn’t there some
sort of lawsuit over that? All the same, I’m glad it was made; ELotH:
The Furnishing, though less well-regarded by fans than the Black Fox
Games RPG, is more accessible and arguably more fun to play. It’s
just a shame it’s now out of print, isn’t it?
Actually, I hear the last revision of the Furnishing rules was made
available as a limited edition eBook in April. I’ve never seen a copy
though. Might be worth tracking down for the wiki though. kmr
ELotH Limited Edition Busts
A hugely profitable limited edition line of busts produced from
Mable DieCast GraniResin that gave it a satisfying heft and quality
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appearance. A small brass placard on the base described who was
depicted by the bust. Due to a simple but tragic translation problem
between the comissioning Realmworlds executives and the Latvian
sculptors, the first run of busts do not include the head, merely the
chest of the character, leading to record prices for first editions of the
busts of certain female characters.
A list of busts, with their production run numbers:
Enseven Illibar: 250 first run; 320 second run
Char Reyarteb: 200 first run; 200 second run
Harbinger Portent: 135 first run; 250 second run
Dogus Brankorking: 100 first run
Lander Phoenixsong: 75 first run
Wendell Blunder: 75 first run
Myrtle Breakwind: 75 first run
Fantasmaphila: 75 first run
Serafina Haberdasheron: 50 first run; 150 second run; 250 third run
Lord Hopebane: 50 first run
King Ronard: 50 first run
Felthar: 50 first run; 100 second run
Horatio Luskfish: 50 first run; 25 second run
Lady Ambivilia: 25 first run, 50 second run
Percy Mulligan: 17 first run (still available)
There was also a Gavment Rayling limited edition bust, but at four feet
high, it was simply too large for most people.
Next year’s line is to include Lopae of Hopea. Preorder tickets were
limited to 1000, and currently for sale on eBay in upwards of $800.
Elspeth the Plainsrunner
A ranger and guide, Elspeth is a seasoned tracker with the soul of a
poet. Also the warrior spirit of a poet, which is to say, all of the valor
of an academic. Put more plainly, Elspeth was quite a coward.
Certainly he was knowledgable about his craft and the ways of the
open plains. His knowledge was hard won from festidiously avoiding
all manor of plains races from the Furry People to the proud minotaur.
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“These hoof prints are fresh... A large male, weathered
of brow and heavy of hammer. The tracks seem to
indicate that...”
Next, Felthar heard the sound of rapidly deminishing
foot falls, and when he turned he saw Elspeth as but a
vanishing figure against the horizon of the plains.
Book 6, Nightstand’s Peril
Elves
In the Elemenstor saga, the term Elves refers generally
to a set of magical races which are all derived from a
common ancestor. All Battal Elves share certain traits,
physical and cultural, with the original proto-elves
which were formed from their Sjkarblae forbearers.
Shared characteristics of the Elves
include:
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keen night vision
an affinity for the natural world
a love of music and dance
a common pantheon of gods
knowledge of the Arcane Elvin Language known as Flannt’lwyrre
a passionate distain for Dwarves
pointy ears
an unusually long life span.
History
When the Sjkarblae first appeared in the Vale of Eir, the Higherlark
LL’Chomber looked upon them and saw that they were Good. But
LL’Chomber saw in them an imperfect reflection of what they could
be, and drawing upon his own form as inspiration, crafted a new race
through use of Deep Elemental Magicke. Pointing the ears, like his own,
removing the shroud of night from their eyes, as it was gone for him,
and giving them an appreciation for grace and beauty. He named the
race Elf. (The name was reportedly that of a girl he had a crush on as
a lad.)
Elvin Factions
The Elves were a proud and noble race which spread across Battal
and prospered. With geographic seperation comes unique specialization, and of course fractious influences creep into a population.
Before long the pockets of elven population had their own unique
cultures, languages, traditions, and customs.
Elvin Factions: Referred to by themselves as “The Noble Races”
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The Darkmarch Elven
Dim Elves
Elf-Witches
Extremely Elves
High-Elves
Low-Elves
Mean Elves
Elvin Cloisters: A collection of different elf-types
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Frozen Elves
Hidden Elves
Dojo Elves
Non-Elvin Factions: (several groups have come to be associated
with Elves, but really are not Elves at all)
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Witch-Elves
The Completely Ordinary Non-Elves
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Beach Elves (also Nevelves)
The Nevelost (not to be confused with Nevelves)
Government
Unable to govern such a disparate collection of societies, the Council
of Elves which had been becoming increasingly ineffectual and
vestigial, eventually was dissolved entirely, which worked fine all the
way up until the Unlight War. Spotting a need to once again put forth
a united front the The Reunified Elfish Council of Elven Factions was
formed.
Pantheon
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LL’Chomber - Lord of the Elves, King of the Elf Pantheon
Merri’llmnbar - Lady of the Dance, also Matron of Ice,
Queen of the Elf Pantheon
Logok - Interestingly, a god depicted as distinctly Dwarven,
Lord of Muck and Undesirable Things
Holl’onnianya - Goddess of Might and Magicke, Guardian of
the Olde Wayes
Orl’llln - God of History and Song
Epic
Back to Elements | Back to Complete List of Elements
Disambiguation: Do not confuse Epic with Epicness, which
pertains to the written quality of the ELotH world.
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This is the other of the
first Ur-urelements, along
with Voidnes, Timenes and
Spacenes, that permeate all
of creation and some of
what is beyond. This is a
difficult element to classify
but it is commonly held
wisdom that while you
cannot describe it you will
always recognize it when
you see it. (Or, in some
sad cases, are crushed
under its booted heel).
Epic doesn’t need a
symbol. It’s just that cool.
Epic is also sometimes referred to as a Meta Element as it can be
incorporated into other elements: for example, an Epic-Fire Blast is a
far more terrible thing than the standard Elemenstor Spell “Fire
Blast”.
The band Faith No More released a song entitled “Epic” at about the
same time as the release of Elemenstor Battles. It is clear from the lyrics
that they were inspired by this Ur-urelement, presumably from prerelease leakage or promotional material. Epic is often known for its
close relation to the psuedo-element of mysterious.
Epic Hierarch Monthly
A very attractive and high profile ELotH:TES magazine which had a
monthly run from August 1999 to Feb 2005, when production
suddenly halted (no suitable explaination was made public).
Notable Issues
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Premier Issue #1: “Ready or not! Here
comes ElamenSTAR!”
The feature story for this premier issue was all about the excitement
surrounding the fact that ElamenSTAR had been picked up for US
Distribution. At the time the fan community was enthralled with the
idea of a US translation, and rumors were rampant that episodes had
been revamped in order to make them “even more canonical”.
Of course the issue was put together in June of 1999 when the term
“Wizbit” hadn’t even entered anyone’s lexicon as anything but a
number of bizarre video games. Going back and reading this issue’s
trusting innocence is a little bit humorous, and a little bit sad.
Epic Legends Of The Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga, as
read by James Earl Jones
James Earl Jones is set to bring his voice to the beloved series
beginning in Summer 2006. Three audio books will be released each
year on DVD and tape, and will retail for 29.95 each. Each book will
be somewhere between five and six hours of listening, and will be
slightly abridged for the audio series.
Fan reaction to this prospect has been mixed. Few doubt that Jones
will be able to accurately capture the Elemenstor Saga’s intrinsic
epicness during its early volumes, but more contentious is how he
can possibly do justice to Book 10, which contains substantial
quantities of French, Latin, Hebrew, Aramaic, Wookiee Shyriiwook
and Morse Code, and which many believe can never be accurately
rendered in audio form. Even more unclear is how Jones - indeed,
any narrator - can hope to deal with chapter twelve of Book 13, which
consists entirely of semicolons and spaces.
I know a friend who ran into somebody in a chat room that had a
brother working on the audio book production, and from what I
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heard, the fans are going to be pleasantly surprised by how they treat
Book 10 and Book 13. -tim
Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor
A race of humans who were raised by wolves but then got in touch
with their True Human roots allowing them to become incredible
warriors in a very epic manner.
The most famous of the Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor is easily
Knight Moon Roar, a reccuring character in ElamenSTAR (and,
therefore, in the Wizbits children’s show). His first appearance was
episode 116, A Hairy Escape: The Wolf-man is Revealed!. It is hinted that
he is some relation to Lord Silvermane Snarlsnout who made an
appearance in Book 11.
The king of the Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor, King Night Claw has
featured in the Wizbits childrens show too. He is one of the guests at
the pub in the episode: Professor Dervmont’s Big Date!
Fanart:
Yellow Fang, the Epic Wolf Man of Mount Wor who appeared in
ElamenSTAR:
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Epicness
Disambiguation: Do not confuse Epicness with Epic, which
is one of the primal Ur-Elements.
Epicness. It is a quality which surpasses all others, a principle which
cannot be distorted, a god to which all men must bow down. Look at
these green-speckled lands, the dew glistening like diamonds and the
sun’s golden rays trailing glory from the Summit of The Skies. Vast
and sweeping are its landscapes; grand are its heroes and dastardly its
villains. Its swords glimmer as they dance through the air and the
blood of men and gods runs red, a deep and lustrous hue. Shed no
tears for those who have fallen, young vixen! Another day will come;
we must remember that the sun will rise again! Look upon these
lands and tremble, cowards and creatures of the darkness, you
swollen pustules on the face of the dawn. These lands are not yours
to conquer, for they belong to the mighty men of valor who would
die in its name! Even if they perish, and perish many shall, their
memory will never be forgotten. Many more will rise in their stead.
They shall ride out with fury to cut you down like the beasts you are,
and they shall cry out the name of epicness as your blood mixes with
dust and you return, dead, to the earth.
Eulithian Resonance Vector
The theory of Eulithian Resonance Vectrocity holds that the Hierarchs
are ageless, and as such are as young as tomorrow and as old as the
future. This leads many to believe that the Hierarchs may in fact be
Elemenstors from the future who, after calculating their own eulitihian
resonance vectors, became independent of Timenes and thus were
forced to create the universe, beginning with The Four Vales and the
Starborn Gem. Obviously, due to such meddling in the normal flow of
time, there are bound to be quirks in the ELotH:TES timeline, such
as Ubziz Forelock the barber and The Glaivemistresses of Arvallyon.
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Put forth by the Life Elemenstor Eulith in the year 85,921, the theory
became rooted in time. The past caught up with him, and Eulith
ceased to exist when... oh, are you really getting this? I’m not either.
Every budding Elemenstor absolutely dreads taking ERV 101 at the
Cerulean Citadel. It is taught by the high Elemanifestation Gromruffle the
Understated. Taking notes during a lecture from a being existing
simultaneously at all points in time is quite hard and this is considered to be the “Elemeshman Flunk-Me” course.
Evilnors
There is almost no information in the books available about the
servants of Xoxor Xxar. A few passages in Book 3 describe them
merely as “beings of such unspeakable depravity that to breathe the
same air as them has led men to orgies of murder and destruction.”
Some other information about the Evilnors comes from a convention
appearance by Tycho Brahe. When asked about the appearance and
nature of the Evilnors Brahe is recorded as saying:
You wanna know how evil the Evilnors are? I’ll tell you how evil the Evilnors
are. The Evilnors are so godamned evil they’d make goddamned Cthulu run
sobbing back to his goddamned Mommy, that’s how evil they are!
Fans still debate if this outburst, from the EleCon in 1997, should be
considered canonical, as this also corresponds to Brahe’s infamous
drinking and pill binge. Many present report that Brahe was not only
inebriated but had actually filled several two-liter bottles with a
mixture of Percocet, Captain Morgan, and rubbing alcohol, which he
consumed constantly during his various panel appearances.
Evilnor Concept Art
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Kingdom of Ezermethalon
Location
The Kingdom of Ezermethalon is located along the nothern coast
of The Shield, and bordered by Terle and Farnvania. The Kingdom
formed some time during the long period of relative stability that fell
between the end of The Wandering Age and the end of the Magic
Sword Kings Period in year 9473. The first capital city of Ferngravellia was decimated when the nation was conquered in year 9150 by
Yar the Sorcerial.
The capital of Ezermethalon is currently New Capitol City, even
though by the time of the Elemenstor Cycle, the city was quite
ancient.
Geography
Places
Institute Of Accoutermentia
Ezermethalonian Museum of Notable Furniture
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Notable Ezermethalonians
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Felthar the Moderately Handsome/Darkly Mysterious/Frequently Described
Grim Paperpush, Head Bureau-crat of Ezermethalon
Gorg Stinkrot
King Dorc the Incontinent
King Drongor the Unexpected, Son of Dorc the Incontinent
King Handerlang the Overly Strict
Serafina Haberdasheron
Notable Ezermethalonian Events
•
Ezermethalon Under 19’s Wet T-Shirt Contest
Ezermethalonian Organisations
•
The Chair Brigade
ELotH:TES Canon
Ezermathalon is the setting of Book 5 and Book 6 of The Elemenstor
Cycle.
FaeriWraithe Lands
The fantastical astral netherworld of the FaeriWraithe that the
Troughberrys travel through in Book 2.
Here they pass Darkrend Mountain and the author devotes 6 pages to a
graphic description of the Buxom Succubi of Darkrend Mountain, which
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although having no bearing on the plot, has been excellent fodder for
many adult fanfics written since.
They also traveled through the Chrome Garden, where they met an
enchanted man made of metal named Otto Chromo the caretaker.
Familiar
Elemenstors sometimes use people or animals as their magical
companions, as opposed to the more popular choice of Furniliar.
Examples include
•
Turnum a Smug Ape
See Also: Ferniliars
Fanged Vole-Guard
Vicious, giant voles with fangs. They guard the mountain pass Alake’l
against intruders, eating any who come without the approval of their
Fanged Vole-Lord. Fanged Vole-Guards have a sixth sense that
allows them to determine if those who are approaching are aware of
the vole-guard’s presence. This allows them to coordinate suprise
attacks that leave their victims with almost no time to retaliate before
they are viciously eaten.
Farnvania
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The initial name of the Lands of Va, and a gigantic sign was constructed to celebrate the foundation of this kingdom. Unfortunately
Farnvania was very geologically active and it turns out that only the
portions of land upon which the gigantic “V” and the gigantic “A”
stood were stable, the other letters were gone within a week.
The kingdom soon came to be known by the two remaining letters
and the giant “VA” can still be seen when passing into the lands from
Terle.
Felthar the Moderately Handsome
Also known as Felthar the Darkly Mysterious, which also earned him
the nickname Felthar the Frequently Described.
“Just because some end table got loose, that doesn’t
mean that I have to help you,” Felthar growled.
The Bureau-crat frowned and shuffled the papers
around his desk. “Not an end table, Mr. Felthar. A
Nightstand.”—from The Elemenstor Cycle: Nightstand’s
Peril (Book 6)
The Early Years
Felthar was born a slave and seperated from his parents at a very
early age. He was sold to a JestHause and ended up working as the
coat-check slave. One night, he checked the coat of an Elemenstor.
Rummaging through the pockets he found a copy of An Elementary
Elemenstory Guide. Before the night was over he had managed to
convince a coat-rack to check coats for him. The Elemenstor was so
impressed by this when he returned to get his coat that he bought
Felthar’s freedom from the JestHause owner. Felthar was brought to
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the Institute Of Accoutermentia and enrolled in the High Elemenstory
program.
The School Years
It was years later that as an older, gonsuavier student he foiled the evil
Gorg Stinkrot’s plot to steal the legendary Underpants of the Underdeep
with the help of Cubby, his cupboard Furniliar, and Serafina Haberdasheron, a fellow student. Soon after this Felthar was expelled for
Transchanting Cubby, which he was not allowed to do yet. (See Book 5)
The After-School Years
Years later Grim Paperpush, the Head Bureau-crat of Ezermethalon,
recruited Felthar to stop Gorg Stinkrot yet again. This time Felthar
managed to stop a Nightstand from starting a war between Ezermethalon and the neigboring land of Terle. He also reunited with Serafina
Haberdasheron, who found herself stuck in the clutches of the Chair
Brigade. (See Book 6)
The After-After-School Years
After the adventure with the Nightstand, Serafina Haberdasheron and
Felthar dated a couple times but never really hit it off. Eventually
Felthar created the popular theme restaurant Ham on a Pike, and
taking his wealth, moved somewhere far away (see After the AfterAfter-School Years). Despite being at various times both ‘Moderately Handsome’ and ‘Darkly Mysterious’, he never married.
After the After-After-School Years
(spoiler)
Felthar, now Wisened and Grey, makes a brief but dramatic appearance
at the end of Book 7, when Isaac Purcheron, Ark Riven, and Raven
Darkblood come knocking at the door to his home, high atop Elddim’s
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Peak. His subsequent return to adventuring leads to his appearance in
Book 9, whose action takes place roughly simultaneously as the events
of Book 8 (although the two take place in different regions of Battal).
ELotH:TES Canon
Felthar is the hero of Book 5 and Book 6 of The Elemenstor Cycle.
Wears The White Shirt of Muscular Appearance on bookcovers.
Fans for a True Tycho Brahe
Epic (FfaTTBE)
Fans for a True Tycho Brahe Epic (FfaTTBE) maintain that
contrary to popular opinion, their literary hero was removed from his
position as author of the wildly popular The Elemenstor Cycle, replaced
by a committee of writing hacks after Tycho’s long term narrative
plans changed abruptly after Book 3. Supporters of the Single Author
Theory take the opposite stance.
According to rumour, Tycho had decided to turn the story to this
point on its head by “going goth”. Until now, the main antagonist,
Char Reyarteb was to become the focus of the series. Later books were
to explore the world of emotional suffering endured by this stoic
figure as he grappled with the loss of his humanity in the face of the
overwhelming temptations of power. FfaTTBE proponents claim
that the marketing team at Underhere Publishing went into apopolexy
when informed of this change in direction and quietly removed Tycho
from his status as author in favour of milking the series for everything it was worth.
The FfaTTBE has recently turned away from it’s militant path, going
so far as to end their Epic Jyhad against Jerry Holkins. Holkins has not
yet come out of hiding, claiming that the FfaTTBE is a bunch of “big
fat liars.”
Strangely enough, the producer of the cartoon series, James Langomedes
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may have had some knowledge about this, as he may or may not have
revealed in a rare televised interview.
Finkfru
The oldest city built by Low-Elves. A memorial statue has been erected
at the site where the Incident at Finkfru took place.
Finnish “Translation”
The Finnish “translations” of the ELotH:TES are a source of great
interest to a few Braheists who insist that Brahe actually wrote several
original volumes in Finnish to escape the meddling influence of
censors and his publishers. Their argument rests largely on three
points:
(1) Brahe is shown with his arm around the Finnish exchange
student, Eveliina Häkkinen, twice in his High School Yearbook,
leading to speculation that he learned Finnish and may have gone
into hiding in Finland.
While he may not be hiding there today, Brahe is known to have
visited Häkkinen at the University of Kuopio on several occasions
during the late 90s. Häkkinen herself is a tenured professor at
Kuopio, specializing in the narrative structure and rhetoric of myth.
She is among the foremost exponents of the concept of Epicness. She
frequently cites the Elemenstor saga obliquely in her own writings,
suggesting that she is both intimately familiar with them and also
intentionally trying to keep them at a distance.
(2) Some of the Finnish “translations” appear to pre-date their
American issue.
Furthermore, the Finnish version of Book 10 omits the Shyriiwook
phrases and instead uses a highly plausible form of Proto-Uralic,
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which may in turn be an homage to the culture that would eventually
produce the Kalevala and modern Finnish languages.
(3) The Finnish volumes are said to be far more cohesive in parts,
especially toward the end of the series.
This is particularly true of the Hierarch Wars, generally recognized by
fans of the series as the most complex and challenging (and rewarding!) part of the cycle. Even the Finnish version of Book 5 is uneven
and bland, but it is still far superior to the English-language version
of that same book. Notable also is the absence of a pre-dated Finnish
version of the 13th volume, adding weight to the argument that the
entire Hierarch Wars were concieved of in their entirety in Finnish
initially.
There are, furthermore, countless allusions to subjects that Finnish
audiences would immediately recognize: The Winter and Lapland
Wars, the Lapua Movement, and “Perkele”—veiled references to
these permeate the various books. See Book 11 for some examples.
Does anyone here know enough Finnish to investigate these claims
and complete this article?
I was first introduced to ELotH:TES in the Finnish version. I was
under the impression that it was second only to the Kalevala as great
Finnish literature, thinking that Brahe sat with Sibellius as a great
Finnish contributors to the arts. I remember being struck by the
development of Brahe’s style and voice over the course of the series.
After first reading the Finnish, the end of the series as put forth in
the English version seems a poorly remembered paraphrase of the
elegant - nay, Epic - saga I had come to love.
I attributed his clumsiness in the first few books to Brahe finding his
voice, but perhaps those first few books are clumsily translated from
original English texts. It is quite evident to anyone who has read the
Finnish that, starting with Book 10, the English versions pale in
comparison. Perhaps Brahe switched languages after his misguided
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decision to allow co-authoring on Book 9. At any rate, I doubt that
Brahe authorized the English translations, and believe that they were
simply commissioned by fans of the series.
To be taught Finnish by an exchange student, and to grasp it with
such style and vigor, Brahe must be a linguistic genious. I spent two
years studying the language, immersed in it while I lived in Kuopio,
Hyvinkää, Pori, and Oulu, and do not have the power to wield it with
Brahe’s elegance. In fact, I only became able to appreciate Brahe’s
brilliant use of Finnish after arduously studying his works, and
comparing to the mangled English. He uses local dialects to add
flavor to his characters. Rereading Book 10 while I lived in Kuopio I
realized that much of Guddboy Lad’s indecipherable speech is in fact
simply presented in the Savolainen dialect, which fact the translators
to the English missed entirely. It is sad to see this well-developed and
well-spoken character presented as a raving madman due to mistranslation. -Masennus
Fire
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Fire is one of the basic
four elements of creation,
and thus of High Elemenstation. It represents rage,
heat, light, red and yellow
things, destruction,
violence and game shows.
Its symbol in the CCG is
the Fireball.
Fire is represented symbolically in the Weighty Tome of Elemenstor by
arguing married couples. Fire Elemanifestations can summon battle
minions, but mainly they just blow stuff up. Fire-aligned creatures tend
to have good reflexes, a weak defense and an uncontrollable attitude.
Also they kick ass against trees.
A Fire Elemenstor is also known as a Hotblood. Fire is by far the most
popular variety of Elemenstation. It is said that most Elemenstors
want to be Fire Elemenstors, but can’t get into the schools either due
to over crowding or lack of knack. Of course Earth, Water, and Air
Elemenstors vehemently deny
this. A little too vehemently.
is the ancient character the Hierarchs used for writing the
word Fire. It is often woven into the clothes of Fire Elemenstors, or
printed in their magical items. The character is part of the typeface
used in printing the Elemenstor Cycle books and often appears in
place of the word fire when referring to Fire Elemenstation.
Related
•
•
•
Elements
Air
Water
o Ice
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•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
o White Water
Fire
Earth
Heart (Debated)
Life
Death
Stream
Carry
The Four Vales
Forged by the unfortunately prolific forger of enchanted rings and
axes of questionable quality, Floapy Exadnagnir
Unfortunately Floapy’s Powerful Forcefield Ring of Invisibility’s
powers are active all of the time, and so, any furniture it is placed on
turns invisible, causing many a severely bruised shin and startled
Elemenstor. The ring’s forcefield properties make grabbing the ring
much like trying to pick up richly latherous soap. Resultantly, no one
has ever worn the ring. In Book 5 it was placed on top of a donkey
cart to smuggle it passed the Fanged Vole-Guard. The donkey was still
visible and as such did not survive the encounter. The cargo of
undergarments did, to the relief of many mendicants.
Fonard
Fonard was the heir of King Ronard and one of last of the Magic Sword
Kings. His reign was largely unremarkable up until this point of his
being mortally wounded at precisely The Longest Moment during a
game of dwarfball.
Following Fonard’s death, his 37 sons fought amongst each other
until only one, Julipon, survived and became the next Magic Sword King.
sons:
Julipon
Demipon
Lavapon
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The Forests of Misery
The Forests of Misery exist on a the dark lower half of The Sickle, and
is generally a place where one should not go. The trees that grow
there grow only by the Unlight of the Hidden Moon, and it is the home
of the Soulferic Bats, a species of bats who feed not on blood or bugs,
but on the very souls of travellers who happen to wander too near
the forests. Needless to say, very few people go there. Those who do
are normally on a quest for elendendium, an essential element used in
the creation of a Battlestaff, which can be easily found in small
deposits at the base of the trees. Gathering enough for a staff,
though, is quite a task indeed.
The Forests of Misery make a brief appearance in ElamenSTAR
during the prolonged flashback sequence known as “The Memory That
Would Not Die” by fans in the know.
In the dark center of the Forests of Misery there is an overgrown
clearing. In the center stands a shining portgate portal which leads to
the cavern of portgate portals. Adventurers unfortunate enough to travel
this deep into the dark forest have passed through this portal, hoping
to escape the misery, only to find themselves transported to the
Chasm of Eternal Sorrow.
The Legendary Four Plaster
Shards
Originally making up a single enchanted plaster disk known as The
Grahtmin Disk, it was split when a young accolyte (who really
shouldn’t have been handling The Grahtmin Disk in the first place,
but was only moving it to dust the pedistal) careless knocked it onto
the floor.
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Each plaster shard absorbed a difference piece of the enchantment
when the disk was broken. It is rumored that the accolyte also
absorbed a part of the enchantment, but he was summarily dismissed
when found trying to glue the disk back together in the antechamber.
The Four Plaster Shards:
•
•
•
•
The Gromaric Shard: Enhances Earth Elemenstation. It is said
that house plants near the Gromaric Shard reach Epic size.
The Dowsic Shard: Enhances Water Elemenstation. It is said
that a storm cloud follows the Dowsic Shard, appearing
each evening at dusk.
The Blayzic Shard: Enhances Fire Elemenstation. It is said that
a hot meal placed on the Blayzic shard will never grow cold.
The Gustavin Shard: Enhances Air Elemenstation. It is said
that this one can fly a kite holding this shard, even on the
stillest of days.
The shards are mentioned in Book 8.
The Four Underdogs
The Four Underdogs were the group of four youths (Lander
Phoenixsong, Wendell Blunder, Myrtle Breakwind, and Fantasmaphila), who,
with the aid of Aklom Reklats and the Ocumen, defeated and destroyed
Char Reyarteb and saved Battal.
The story of the decisive victory of the Four Underdogs over Char
Reyarteb is cataloged in Elemenstor Radio Dramas produced for BBC
Radio by Robert Hungford. Confusion among the fans is often caused
by the mention of an attempt at ending the reign of Char Reyarteb, to
which 3 paragraphs were devoted in the final chapter of Book 4, but
this was not the successful attempt.
After many adventures, the Four Underdogs go on to found the
Cerulean Citadel.
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Not yet described are the relationships with their familiars (or
furniliars)
The Four Underdogs didn’t have furniliars, The Wizbits did.
They do have familiars though, as depicted in ElamenSTAR,
although I think that they lose them by the fourth season. Can’t
remember what the justification was. I think that the descriptions of
each of the underdogs should be modified to reflect the brainmanglement and time effects, and what the results of this were for each
of the kids. Pretty sure that info is spread around the wiki, but not
collected on the character pages. -Tim
Free Furniliars
A Free Furniliar is a Furniliar who has been freed, one way or
another, from its creator. Many Free Furniliars, or Furni-Pated, as
they often call themselves (“’Furniliar’ is a slave name”), claim to
have created themselves from sheer act of will. This is basically
impossible*, though it is concievable, if unlikely, that a furniliar might
be created unintentionally by an Elemenstor, during, say, a pitched
battle or an extended drinking spree. But basically, all of them are
lying.
The vast majority of the Furni-pated are Furniliars whose masters
predeceased them. Given the dangers of the Elemenstoring life, this
is less than surprising. Others are Furniliars who took matters into
their own hands and slew their own creators. This terrible act is
whispered of among Furniliars free and owned alike with shivers of
fear and excitement. Finally there are the Bathtub Furniliars, whose
freedom (we learn in Book 11) is an immediate effect of the Transchanting process; however, in this final case, that freedom is heavily
mitigated by the diminished mental and emotional capacities that are
also the hallmark of Bathtub Furniliars.
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Some Free Furniliars congregate in wild areas to form communities
where they can live not-technically-speaking-lives in their own way.
Here, adherents of Furniturism preach, calling on the Free Furniliars
to rise up and seize the mantle of the ancient Furniture, the greatest of
the Most Discerning Races. Only then, they claim, can Battal be rejoined
under the rule of the wise Furniture. Such nonsense can lead
nowhere, of course.
The most famous of all free furnillars was Osmond the Ottoman who
formed the Ottoman Empire, the first and last free furnillar state.
Some organizations, such as the Item Law Makers Guild, have started
hiring Free Furniliars as messengers, file clerks, and, in the case of
large pieces, enforcers.
*How could they will their own will into existence unless they already
had a will? It’s that whole “X cannot exist until X already exists” sort
of thing, see? See Timenes
Also see: Jonathan the Singing Throne of Startokfenliazane, Simon the Severe
Fregor the Untruthful
Fregor the Untruthful is one of the more interesting characters to
inhabit the ELotH:TES world. He is most famous for his appearances in The Wizbits series, where he acted as a wandering liar, only
entering the show when the heros needed to be lied to in order to
advance the plot.
In truth he is a deep and complex character who often tries to do
what he sees as the right thing. His attempts at doing so are often
thwarted by his lies. This inabilty to tell the truth is partially what has
made him an enemy of all good folk.
One explanation of how he came to be untruthful is that as a young
child he swallowed a shard of Hooey pottery. In responce to this
Tycho Brahe is reported to have said, “Nah, he’s just fucking nuts”
though this cannot be confirmed.
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Although he is considered unpleasant in the extreme by most who
know him, he is never seen without his trusty companion, Gorsald the
Pedantic. This duo was originally used as comedy relief in Books 1
through 13 but are rumored to play a greater part in Book 14.
His name is also sometimes written as Freyor, if only as a joke (also
they are pronounced the same).
Fumias Humblor
Fumias Humblor is an historian from southern Mandleclang who lived
in an unspecified time period. His/her entire mention in canon is
Verse 8160 of Book 10:
In sudis Mandleclangis
Fumias Humblor schreiben sie
”The Moor in time
was its own unto?
We have seen
the small supersumed.”
Most people translate this to mean that Fumias Humblor was
wondering whether Pizzlemoore (‘The Moor’) was a kingdom unto
itself in the past, and was eventually absorbed into Mandlelcang.
It is worth noting that the narrative, verse, and linguistic structure of
Book 10 begin to deteriorate very rapidly in the early 8000s, and the
context of this mention of Humblor and his/her theory is almost
entirely indecipherable. It is also not known as to whether Humblor,
if s/he ever existed, actually wrote in freeform verse or in prose like
most historians. It would be interesting, historiographically speaking,
to resolve that question, as well as when Humblor lived, if ever.
Furniliar
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When the incarnations of an Elemenstor’s rubian jewel are of a
decidedly household nature—especially those that really tie the chamber
together—they are referred to as ‘Furniliars.’ A most famous example
is that of Cubby, or Cubbert P. Oakwood, the Furniliar of Felthar the
Moderately Handsome.
Elemenstor incarnations, or magical companions that are not so
previously inanimate are referred to as familiars.
The process of creating a Furniliar is called Transchanting.
Ultimately a quiet brotherhood of “Enchanted Carpenters” and
“Enchanted Alchemical Joiners” called The Quiet Brotherhood of
Enchanted Carpenters and Associated Crafts appeared in a book titled
Broken Stool: Alchemical Boogaloo. The Group of Enchanted Carpenters
revealed in this book were adept at creating and repairing Furniliars at
discount prices. The action concerned a regional union of wizened
magical craftsmen called QBECAC Local 4223. Particularly a Second
Level Enchanted Alchemical Joiner by the name of Lord Scranton Stufflebeam. The book was mysteriously met with fervent resistance by the
ELotH:TES readership.
See also: Ferniliars, Furniture, Ambulatory Dressers, Free Furniliars, Twisted
Furniliars, Dark Furniliars
ELotH:TES Canon
Furniliars are integral to the ELotH:TES saga, and as such appear
throughout The Elemenstor Cycle Novels, in the Wizbits Elemenstor Battle
CCG, in The Wizbits TV series, and in many Fan Fiction works. The
most heatedly disputed in all of the saga is, of course, Simon the Severe,
mainly because there is debate over whether one can perform
Transchanting on oneself.
Merchandise
There is quite a large line of Furniliar Replicas available to fit most
budgets.
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Furry People
A race of humanoids who are covered in a thick, shaggy fur of either
bright red, or brilliant blue. They all have giant (some might say
googly) eyes, their pupils merely tiny black dots. They have no teeth
to speak of, but merely giant black gaping maws.
Some mistakenly assume that they were named Furry People
because they are in fact furry, but this is actually just a mistranscription of their true original given name of the Fury People, called such
because of their extremely short tempers and proclivity for flying into
manic rages.
In the grassland villages of the Furry People it is rare to find intact
furniture, as this is the first thing to get smashed. As a result,
Furniliars that pass through their midst need be particularly circumspect.
Don’t you hear them Felthar? Don’t you hear the
Furry People? Don’t you hear their drumming across
the plains; that maniacal animalistic drumming! The
furious rhythm carried over the vast spaces of the
savannah. Twisted weirdly by the neverending windfirst seeming so horribly near... then in an instant... so
unimaginably far.—Elspeth the Plainsrunner to Felthar in
Book 6, Nightstand’s Peril
Gabe
Gabe is a mysterious enigma whose name appears occasionally in
communication with author Tycho Brahe, usually in a negative context
and frequently when he is intoxicated. His most noticeable appear247
ance was on a hit list in The Temptations of the Bix the End Table, and
other tales. It’s impossible to know who this “Gabe” really is, particularly because information on the author himself is so hard to come
by.
Interesting theories abound as to the identity of Gabe, but the author
as good as refuses to discuss him while sober enough to make any
sense. Popular theories include:
•
•
•
•
•
He is (or represents) a rejected character not used in the
series.
He is actually an alternate identity of Brahe and is a selfrepresentation of a dark side and thoughts of suicide.
He is a personification of Brahe’s doorknob, an inspiration
for many of the series’ heroic furniture characters.
He is a small scrap of paper with completely meaningless
gibberish scrawled on it, found in a bathroom in the cellar
of a planning office with no stairs or lights in the basement,
just behind a demolition notice for somebody’s house. Proponents of this theory tend to have a lot of trouble explaining how Brahe might have found this paper, or, indeed that
the paper even exists. It’s not even a very popular theory
anyways.
Recent transcribing of The Story That Is Built One Sentence At a
Time By Those That Read It, has given us more information on
the character Gabe. In this, Gabe is a Tribbit and a Mucksucker in The Dank and favored by Duke Alfamarma, the ugliest, nastiest, fattest Dooblegnard Horatio had ever seen. It can
only be assumed that there is some connection between this
named character and the enigmatic Gabe of Tycho Brahe’s
real world life.
Gavment Rayling
Gavment Rayling is the short, endearingly nervous, protagonist of
Book 3 (widely considered the best of the entire cycle) and Book 4. He
starts as an apprentice Fire Elemenstor who sets out with some
friends (High Culimancer Bertrick, among others) to acquire the Rubion
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Sword, but in the next book, he’s grown old and, frankly, annoying.
His constant drinking delays the start of the quest for half of the
book, but after some prodding by his niece Steppy, he finally dons his
signature big blue hat and oversized green long coat with the cuffs
rolled up and manages to feature prominently in the final battle.
Gavment clearly holds an important place in Elemenstor history,
being the only person to wield both the Bag of the Endless Void and the
Bag of the Not-so-Endless Void at the same time, as well as, you know,
being the protagonist of books that were early enough in the cycle to
actually be pretty good. He saved the Ssskssenek’s home. He’s really
very important.
It is therefore odd that he’s been relatively unpopular in terms of
merchandise. There was the limited-edition marble bust, but at four
feet high, it was too large for most people. Aside from that, Gavment
has really been underappreciated by the various toy manufacturers.
Even High Culimancer Bertrick, one of his companions from Book 3,
has a whole line of Easy-Bake Culimancery Sets.
There is more to this situation than meets the eye.
Fan Art
By Jackson:
By Rhok:
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Gem Flecks
Gem Flecks are the commonly used currency of Ezermethalon.
Origins
The initial value of the Gem Fleck was determined by putting an
Elemenstor on one side of a large scales and then a bag of gem flecks
on the other. When the sides were balanced up, the gem flecks were
said to be worth half the value of the most expensive furniture
enchanted by the Elemenstor. This practice was confusing and
eventually gave rise to the Ezermethan saying “worth half your weight
in gem flecks.” Many economists have risked their lives by questioning the semantic phrasing of this saying. This was especially true after
the “Smart Ass Act” enacted by Handerlang the Overly Strict
following a lordly constitutional to a local JestHause. Gem flecks can
often be found in the Sw’ftfl’w River.
Gespechio
Note: Gespechio is not to be confused with its progenitor Gespeshio,
the elemanifestation.
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General
Creator of the clay and wooden men the Ecreekem, who drew them
forth from the Plains of Estereem. Gespechio is commonly depicted as
a large man dancing and wearing an overly large hat, helmet or vizor.
From his Marvelous Fanny Pack of Many Colors, he could draw all
manner of tenderized victuals and curative ointments (for inorganic
lifeforms), such as Linseed Oil Droplets and Heavily Lacquered Brownies.
These are not to be confused with the humorless and postureobsessed Lacqured Browniefolk.
Gespechio is frequenltly shown holding a flute and standing on one
foot or leaping through the air. Contemporary interpretative dance
troupe Pappa Tarahumara captured the surprisingly graceful essence
of the figure in their children’s piece Ecreekem Dream, which delighted,
confused and put countless children to sleep. It is rumored that the
Cirque de Soleil was planning a touring act called Gesspechiko! until
Realmworlds threatened legal action.
Actually, legal action has been taken against Cirque du Soleil™, but
we at Realmworlds Publishing cannot currently comment on the
counter-suit because of said pending lawsuit.—Tyge Ottesen Realmworlds Publishing Legal Intern
The Story of Gespechio
And down came Gespechio from the Summit of The
Skies, wrapped in the sun’s glory. He was but a child
gifted with the spark of creation, gifted with the ability
to make alive that which was dead and broken. To the
plains of Estereem he looked, and there he fashioned
creatures out of dry wood and clay and gave to them
the gift of life. He called them Ecreekem, and they
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were blessed by his presence. (Elemenstor 3:3)
The only information about Gespechio’s childhood suggests that it
was an unhappy one. His terrifying, thousand-armed sister of death
Kalechio appears to have mercilessly mocked him for his gentle nature
and love of dolls, as indicated in the flavor text for the card Gespechio’s
Shout:
Gespeshioooo, Kalechio bit the heads off of my
Ecreekem and fashioned them into a belt with which
to terrify mortals again! ~ The Young Gespechio
The story of Gespechio’s ultimate destruction is found in the
extremely challenging chapter entitled the “Feuilliton of Remembrencestation” in Book 10, pages 347 to 419. To summarize: in time,
the affection that the Ecreekem felt for Gespechio developed into
ceremonial worship called Gespechianism. In the first phase, lasting
thousands of years, they danced with Gespechio himself, or danced
around a statue of him. They then trimmed either his fingernails or
mock fingernails on the statues and pretended to eat them. Eventually, the dancing was eliminated and was replaced by a prolonged
“fingernail ritual” lasting up to 333 Elim. The Hierarchs took issue
with none of this. However, after thousands of years of somnambulent ceremonies, the Ecreekem and Gespechio began to tire of the
practice. Gespechio retreated into his workshop, where he attempted
to fashion a new race of beings out of sleds. Meanwhile, attendence
at fingernail rituals steadily declined. Some Ecreek reformers
attempted to repopularize the ceremony by enlivening them with
currents from Ecreekem popular culture, notably a form of highly
emotive Ecreek Polkapop that was all the rage at the time. This
enraged the Hierarchs, who declared:
Lo, what is that jangling, that hipping and hopping and
boomping and bomping wafting from the plains of the
Ecreekem, awakening us from our slumber? Fetch for
us our smiting sticks! (Weighty Tome of Elemenstor
(12:3-4). Cited in Book 10 p. 355
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Gespechio did not fare well in the ensuing smiting.
Gimba
Gimba is the principal lady of Terle, and as such, is the first female
Terleian. Her duties are many, and, as many things related to Terle are,
very confusing. She is the public face of Terle, and represents
Terleians wherever they need representing. Because Terle, and to a
greater extent Terleians, is such a confusing and misunderstood
concept, much of her time is spent figuring out in what capacity she
is supposed to act. Gimba spends almost every day confused, and
generally ends up wandering around, acting genial to anyone who
isn’t a peasant. Doric is the knight of the lady of Terle, and as such is
Gimba’s knight.
The Ginormous Soul
The Ginormous Soul is the sum total essence of all Elemanifestations,
whose individual manifestations are referred to as Allsouls. It is at the
same time discorporate and yet traces of it are physically embodied in
the Meecetrails of Vadimian Cliff (the highest peak in the Vadime
Depths). The Vadime Disciples who worship the soul claim that it flows
through and passively controls all unconscious actions, existing in all
dimensions at once.
It is rumored to have originated when Harbinger Portent summoned
the entire Elemantheon, calling simultaneously on the powers of the
Elemanifestations associated with every facet of the Starborn Gem. It
is written that this is the manner in which The Sundering was partially
undone in The Unsundering, reuniting the Shield and Sickle, but failing
to extend unsunderation to the Cataclysmic Bluont. This was not a
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failure of effort or power, but rather a lack of perception—as
Harbinger Portent was unaware of this third Sundered Bluont from
the Eldritch Rift. It is widely acknowledged that should the legends of
the Ginormous Soul be true, it would have been a trifle to Unsunder
the realm of the Willestrian society beyond the rift.
Canonical doubts about the historical existence of the Ginormous
Soul revolve around the “if it’s so great, why didn’t it do ...” argument. True believers in the Elemenstor Saga dismiss this with the
widely-referenced Ginormous Lack of Wanting To, a higher-plane analog
of laziness that mere mortals can never hope to comprehend. While
we cannot know the immense, multifaceted mind of the Ginormous
Soul, it is clear that while Harbinger Portent did not know of the
Cataclysmic Bluont, the Soul surely did, and its lack of intervention to
complete The Unsundering was almost certainly just a Ginormous Lack of
Wanting To.
Oddly, although the Ginormous Soul has all the collective knowledge
and power of its smaller Allsouls, most Elemanifestations carry no
knowledge of it themselves. Even more oddly, the concept of a larger
soul that knows all and sees all is generally considered to be a load of
Hooey by most Elemanifestations, who (since they almost always meet
their maker) tend to think of their animation as having to do more
with science than faith.
Gladiatingor
A Gladiatingor is a player of the sport of Manslaughtering, also known
in certain parts of the Sickle as Gladiating.
Glaive
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1. A specialized sword. (For more information, please see the The Well
Remembered, But Not Well Regarded Glaive entry.)
2. A musical instrument roughly resembling a French horn. It can be
used as a weapon in times of emergency, but only if the situation is
truly dire.
Glaivemistress
A refined female who is learned in the use of the the glaive.
Glaivemistress of Arvalyyon
A Glaivemistress of Arvalyyon. She appears from the future in Book 13
to set right all the evils of Battal. Although well meaning, she is
unprepared for the challenges involved, particularly because the
kingdom from which she comes is untouched by war and she is
unfamiliar with its horrors.
Fan Art
Goats and Silver
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Common barter item among the well to do. Goats being good eatings
and silver being nice and shiny.
see Currency and Trade
Gorg Stinkrot
“Unhand her!”, muttered Felthar parsimoniously.
”Never” boomed Gorg. “She is mine for all eternity!
She will wear the Forbidden Handbag and the Slippers
of Impunity! She will be my bride!”—Book 5
Gorg Stinkrot was an evil Ezermethalonian Elemenstor active during the
Later Furniture Renaissance. Among his many crimes, Gorg attempted
to undercover the evil and smelliferous Underpants of the Underdeep (see
Book 5), and brought to life a deadly Nightstand, almost causing a war
in the process (see Book 6). Gorg ultimately met his end at the hands
of Borold Gravelsnot III, who doused him liberally with the last of the
remaining Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid, then pressed “Rinse”.
Gorg Stinkrot’s sidekick, the Coded Black Potten, is also implicated in
Gorg’s all-too-timely death. Some sources believe that the Coded Black
Potten was actually a Chaos Sloth Ninja in disguise, although there is
little evidence to support this conjecture.
Gorg was an alumnus of the Institute Of Accoutermentia, where he was
several years ahead of Felthar, and in the house of Slobodan.
It is considered likely by many that Gorg Stinkrot was actually a
member of the secret and mysterious Keepers of the Forbidden Handbag,
and that much of his evil lore remains enshrined in their sacred Money
Pocket to this day. The reference in the above excerpt to the Slippers of
Impunity has been the subject of heated debate, with most readers
agreeing that they are a sly reference to the moccasins worn by
Gavment Rayling in Book 4, and a vocal minority claiming that they are
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in fact the bedroom footwear of Zenethir Foulblade himself, granted
special powers through their long contact with him.
Given the light-hearted and manic nature of the narrative of Book 5,
some readers initially argued that Gorg was not actually evil at all, but
rather just misunderstood. There was little support for this point of
view, and it would probably have remained so, were it not for an
interesting discovery. Some in the ELotH:TES fan community found
(accidentally it is claimed) that the Gorg Stinkrot action figure had
multiple layers of paint. If one carefully scratched away the Underpants
of the Underdeep that the Gorg figure is wearing, a second set of
underpants is revealed below. This second set has a teddy bear
pattern on them. Most ELotH:TES fans discount this ‘evidence’,
given that the action figure rights were purchased during Tycho Brahe’s
drinking and pill binge. It is also well established by Book 5 that Gorg
never found the Underpants of the Underdeep, so for his action figure to
be wearing them is considered tenous at best. This debate was
eventually put (for the most part) to rest with the publishing of Book
6, wherein Gorg unleashed a Nightstand on the people of Ezermethalon.
Some still argue that his first words upon his capture, “I thought it
was an end-table,” might not have been a lie, as most people cannot
tell the difference between end tables and nightstands. Evil Gorg
proponents point out that an Elemenstor of Gorg’s level could never
mistake the two.
It is agreed by both sides, however, that he was fond of Beef.
In recent movie news, Will Farrel is said to be in talks to play this
character for an upcoming Lions Gate Films project.
ELotH:TES Canon
Gorg Stinkrot appears in Book 5 and Book 6, where he is killed.
Gorthmaugs
“Behold,” Lord Silvermane breathed, “they ride on
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Mariacheetahs!”
The thrum of distant scattering echoed through the
treetops. Slivers of silver-twinged fur, shimmering
mercury eyes, and steel-covered claws and knucklebracers glit through the noonday midnight made by
the choked trees. As the din of claws whirled closer, a
deep chant fell from the canopy like thunder.
”Down down to Gorthmaug-Town
Down, down to Gorthmaug-Town
Down, down to Gorthmaug-Town
You go, my lads!
Ho, ho, my lads!...”
Gorthmaugs are tribal creatures that live in the thickest forest in all
The Shield. Each resembles a cross between a gorilla, a wolf, and (in a
strange meta-literary moment) Gabe’s mother; they are scrawny and
gray-streaked green in color. They often travel alongside their
domesticated tree-dwelling subspecie of Mariacheetah, and ride them
into battle. Affenlichtbaum is their home, nested in the tangles of the
largest trees in the darkest part of the forest.
The Gorthmaugs remained hidden from most of Battal until the
events of Book 11 transpired. Though they rarely ventured out into
the world, they had rough dealings with the Epic Wolf Men of Mount
Wor in the past, and although they share a respect for each other,
they were nonetheless antagonistic the few times they met. After their
final confrontation before the Hierarch Wars, where the Gorthmaugs
came out victorious, the Gorthmaugs pledged to their rivals that,
should they ever need the Gorthmaugs as allies, they must prove
themselves worthy by defeating them in combat.
When Char Reyarteb threatened his return in The Hierarch Wars
Continue, the Gorthmaugs gathered under the banner of evil.
Remembering the old pledge, the Epic Wolf Men sought to turn
them against Reyarteb by besting them. The result was an epic
chapter-long battle between the Wolf-Men and the Gorthmaugs;
though Gorthmaugs lacked proper forges to create traditional
weaponry, they exceled at using both Fire and Earth magic to create
deadly weapons that catch the sparce sunlight in intimidating
glimmers, which they used to disturb and stun the Wolf Men.
Further, their nimble and adaptive battle tactics are unrivaled as they
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wielded perhaps the ultimate means of relaying tactics combat, a
manner of beat-dependent speech known as The Phon’q.
Though the battle is near, the Epic Wolf Men came out the victors,
thanks to Mordichai Alamede’s skill at the jingle; he constructed his
own carefully-plotted tune to disrupt the communication of the
Gorthmaugs, leading them to confusion and defeat. The Gorthmaugs
made good on their promise, for the rest of the Hierarch Wars, the
Gorthmaugs fought alongside their former rivals, and forged a lasting
friendship, even until The Ending Times.
Graha
Graha, one of the twelve realms of The Magic Sword Kings Period, lies in
the northeastern part of The Shield. The realm had the distinction of
being populated almost solely by highly skilled and trained assassins.
The Graha Assassins were so adept in the trades of secrecy, stealth,
and subterfuge that visiting dignitaries would often mistakely think
that the kingdom was uninhabited.
Due to the specialized nature of the populace of Graha, it was
uniquely qualified to house the Graha School of Daigon-Taming, where
one could be taught means to approach and subdue these skittish
creatures.
The standing army of Graha stood bravely in the Vampyric Wars, and
were one of the last realms standing of the Twelve. Unfortunately, in
year 1003, Graha finally fell to the forces of the Vampyre Vhadxi,
after Vhadxi personally struck down King Pomcloud in single combat.
After the war, there were those who thought that Graha would not
recover. But slowly they have rebuild, still hidden from the untrained
travellers passing through their lands. Graha Assassins remained
among the most highly sought even into The Ending Times, even
though the borders of the kingdom were greatly reduced from its
largest size during The Magic Sword Kings Period.
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Great Iceberg Sea
The body of water to the north of The Shield.
It is basically unnavigable by ship because of the behemoth icebergs
which float about, crushing any ships unlucky enough to sail north.
In the great Iceberg sea lies the island of Northarbor, home of the
famed Ice Princesses of Northarbor.
It is said that the Artifact Guild of the Ice Elemenstors exists far to the
north, where the icebergs float so dense there one can not see the
sea.
Southern Reaches of the Great Iceberg Sea
Grim Paperpush
260
Grim Paperpush is the slightly comical but unneringly handsome
Head Bureau-crat of the Ezermethalonian Department of Active Furnishings.
First appearning in Book 6, Paperpush attempted to aid Drongor the
Unexpected by completely revamping the registration process for all
Furnishings half a maas or less. Intending it to be a surpise to King
Drongor, Paperpush was both befuddled and infuriated when Felthar’s
actions unwittingly destroyed both past and future records on small
furnishings. In an attempt to gain revenge, Paperpush deregistered
the evil Nightstand Felthar was attempting to subdue. This did little,
and having exhausted his malevolent streak, Paperpush set about to
returning order to the Dept. of Active Furnishings.
ELotH:TES Canon
Grim Paperpush appears in Book 6.
Grimfleur
He had fifteen hands hung in his cloak, old hands and
young, masculine and feminine, and half again as many
noses. He had donned them all as disguises in one age
or another. There were ribbons and circlets, matches
and bangtubes, coppers and iron. And owing to the
powers that he had wove into its fabric, it was no
burden at all. It sat lightly on the shoulders of
Grimfleur as he watched the stranger easing down the
road. Grimfleur smiled as the man approached, a sight
that had only once ever greeted a good deed, and he
smirked with a sound that would have set the
unusually perceptive dead on edge.—The Rubion Sword,
Chapter XIV, opening lines
It is unknown why such a skilled Elemenstor would insist upon making
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his living as a petty criminal. A fan-favorite of many, Grimfleur was a
recurring minor villain through many of the saga’s incarnations. It
was he who lured Gavment Rayling off the Longest Shortcut with
promises of the Infinite Ruby Generator in Book 3. In Book 6, it was he
who claimed to be selling one of the Seven Lost Emotions until it was
revealed that it was rather a new emotion of his own invention,
“rapidance.” It was he who gave the protagonists of Book 7 the
constantly changing map to Elddim’s Peak. He takes no less than eight
different forms in the Wizbits Elemenstor Battle CCG, and appeared in
over twelve episodes of animation (though not always as the villain).
It is widely speculated that the heckler in the crowd scene in Book 2
was Grimfleur in disguise, but there is only circumstancial evidence
to support this in the text. Those who contend that this is true hail
the introduction, in secret, of Grimfleur at that point would not only
be a literary masterstroke, but the question is far from settled among
ELotH:TES fans.
It is later revealed that Grimfleur, already known to be old by his
appearance in both the Wizbits and the Elemenstor Cycle, was in fact
one of the Second Students of Harbinger Portent. The evolution from a
somewhat disenfranchised young man to the crooked but rather petty
(unambitious) figure is both believable and expertly nuanced.
Grimgrieve
Also known as “the tiny land that mirth forgot,” Grimgrieve is a
province in Grammelgrap, in the northwestern region of The Shield.
Knobble, Furniliar of Zuumont, and his desk chair companion (who is
not named but is referred to as “silent bob” by the fan base) travel to
this land of solemnity in search of fabled Antique Furniliars.
Guddboy Lad
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Thought to be driven insane by seeing the evilest evil in Book 10,
Guddboy Lad is presented as speaking only in broken sentences, a
battered, unrecognizable raving.
Lad was originally a kitchen boy at the Old House of Eyekia Lane. From
these humble beginnings, little did he know the rather minor role in
the Hierarch Wars fate had in store for him! When Sierra Vanity
inherited the old house, Guddboy began to suspect that something
wasn’t quite right... in the scrapes that followed, he was driven insane
by the malevolent, drifting spirit of Char Reyarteb (who, in the
subsequent Book 11 was found to be inhabiting the house’s kitchen
doorknob).
In between his rantings, ravings, and babblings, Lad somehow found
time to woo and marry Sierra Vanity, and fathered the child ‘Ron’ who, unlike his particularly mundane progenitor, had an Epic
Destiny.
At the Battle of the Moonlit Banners towards the end of the Hierarch
Wars, Sierra Vanity was killed. Lad swore (or gabbled) vengeance, but
was killed in a single blast of Dark Elemenstation by Char Reyarteb at
the Battle of Freedom’s Peril. Reyarteb was then slain by Ron, who was
revealed to be a descendant of the Magic Sword Kings of old. A rather
ineffectual character aside from his procreative capabilities, Guddboy
proves that just because you’re a kitchen boy doesn’t mean that
you’re the One destined to save the land. You may just be good at
making soup.
It has been suggested that in the Finnish translation Guddboy Lad is in
fact an intelligent and loveable character, and his lunacy in the
English is simply a mistranslation of the dialect he spoke in the
Finnish.
I recall a thread on alt.fan.elemenstors that was exploring the
possibility that Guddboy Lad and the Recliner of Botany might be the
same entity—that Guddboy Lad was in fact a furnithrope. I recall there
was a lot of heated debate. Did anyone ever come to a decision on
that front? I understand, of course, that there’s always a little bit of
wishful thinking when an otherwise minor character has a chance to
be a little bit more epic. -Shadowtext
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I always liked the intentional (playful?) ambiguity in the text. It’s sort
of one of those unanswered questions (like, is Decker a replicant?)
that is more fun without an answer. -tim
Guild of Free Traders
The Guild of Free Traders is a puppet organization of the Kingdom
of Alfafanar, which regulates trade with a system that involves bribes,
secret payoffs and corruption of key public servants.
The guild was one of the major players in the Financial Wars.
See Currency and Trade
Gulrab
A tablecloth from the village Ublarg whom Gavment befriends in Book
3.
Hairball
A Homo Canii who turned traitor to his own race, and served the
Glaivemistress of Arvalyyon in the incomprehensible Book 13. This
character functioned as a combination of body-guard and butt to
several tasteless jokes. His fierceness in battle has endeared him to
some readers, but he is mostly beloved by some of the more
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demented Fan Fiction authors - thanks to whom it is now canonical
that many of the Halfmen are in fact heir to King Zonard’s zotesticle.
Halfmen
Created personally by Zonard to serve as an easy source of meat, the
Halfmen were later corrupted by Dark Elemenstation and revolted
against human reign.
Three distinct races fall under the category of halfman:
-Homo Canii
-Dolphinthropes
-Chthonic Swinemen (and their descendants, the Boar Men of the
Beutrafficades)
Halfmen Revolution
An occurance in Book 8 where, having been corrupted by the dread
powers of Dark Elemenstation, the Halfmen created as livestock by the
last Magic Sword King, Zonard (and his mysterious zotesticle) revolted and
became an army of raping, pillaging and burning terror who cut a
swathe of destruction through all Battal.
The Halfmen were eventually defeated early in Book 9 by High
Elemenstor Noddy Chillbreezey.
Harbingers
Harbingers are a fairly elite group of philosophers and researchers
whose organization is considered by many to be the precursor to the
order of Elemenstors. When Harbinger Portent discovered High
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Elemenstation, the Harbingers were already at the ends of their ropes,
with many Harbingers leaving the central temples to become
wandering ascetics—including Portent himself. The discovery of High
Elemenstation lead many of the higher-ups among the Harbingers to
try to allow the Harbingers themselves to regulate all matters of
Elemenstation. While they failed to attain this designation, the
Harbingers would essentially become the largest part of the organization of the Elemenstors when they were assimilated by the Order of
Elemenstors. By the time of The Elemenstor Cycle, the Harbingers are all
but unknown, save for a few mentions of specific harbingers, like
Harbinger Portent and the tale of the Dark Harbingers, Gambol and
Brathymide.
Harbinger Omen
The Harbinger known as Omen appears in the beginning of Book 1 to
Horatio Luskfish, a humble Tribbit. His appearance is very brief
indeed, but he offers some extremely sage and multifacetted advice to
Horatio, which he never heeds.
It is this prophetic advice which would have indeed guided Horatio a
true course through the stormy events of the book, and on several
occasions the troubled Tribbit meditates on the wisdom of the advice
and decides that he is indeed going to take action to follow the
wisened Harbinger’s advice... In another couple of hours.
The time when Horatio acts on the advice to make positive change
never comes. Most notably at the anticlimax at the end of the book,
after which Horatio goes back home to The Dank.
It is indeed a stark contrast to the parallel story told of Harbinger
Portent who is acting in a noble and wise way atop Mount Windice when
he is struct down in the midst of the tumult by Char Reyarteb.
It is unclear what the moral to be taken away from this is, because the
person following their true inner moral compass is struct down while
the procrastinating moral “wet noodle” is rewarded with continued
existance.
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Harbinger Portent
Harbinger Portent, known in some circles as the Unsunderer, is
generally considered the father of High Elemenstation.
Born in year 4,002 in Pizzlemoore to the wealthy Onsah family, his
parents named him Ynitsed. Young Ynitsed Onsah wanted for
nothing and grew up living a carefree life in southern Mandleclang, a
kingdom still prominent in the lands of Battal. When he was of age,
he went out into the world to seek his fortune. The world was not a
happy place. He worked many hard jobs and learned much, but
found no satisfaction as he learned about the world. He continued to
feel as though “the really big answers” were just around the corner,
and all of his experience wasn’t leading him in the right direction to
find that last hidden truth. That is when young Ynitsed found a sacred
text written by Harbinger Number 3,895,074 of the Many Secrets, and it
changed his life.
Many years of learning “the big secrets” passed and Onsah left his
previous life to join the order of the Harbinger, taking the name
Harbinger Portent. The wisdom and arcane knowledge he amassed
extended his life to near immortality.
It was in the year 15,678 that Harbinger Portent, smug in his mastery
of knowledge about both the seen and unseen worlds, unexpectedly
stumbled across the Starborn Gem, a gemstone inscribed with a
language that even he had never seen before. After much time and
effort, he gained from these writings the secrets of High Elemenstation.
It is said that Harbinger Portent crafted this mighty gem into his
Elemenstave, no doubt increasing his power manifold.
Years after his discovery, Harbinger Portent took on his first student
in the ways of Elemenstation, Char Reyarteb of the oasis of Unothath.
So great was his respect with his student that even when he created
his Battlestaff, Siezor, which changed into a large serpent, among other
abilites, Portent did not take this as a signal of his inevitable evil
betrayal—until 17,904, when Portent finally sent his student away on
a long pilgrimage to “enhance his wisdom”.
After a long life of study of the Starborn Gem, Harbinger Portent
managed to harness its power to reconnect The Shield and The Sickle,
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thus earning him the name the Unsunderer and re-creating Battal (see
also: The Unsundering, Mount Wor). During this amazing process,
though, Char Reyarteb struck him down, and went forth to bring evil
to the newly reformed land.
Millenia later, in the year 19,116, Portent was able to reform his soul
as a spirit, known as the Ocumen, and aid the Four Underdogs to victory
over Reyarteb, even without the use of the Starborn Gem.
Sad Harbinger Portent in Snow (The Card) should be
somehow mentioned here, I feel.
The Hat of Destiny
The Hat of Destiny is the One True Hat, and is the physical
embodiment of the Form in which all other hats participate if they
are to be called “hats” at all.
It is rumored that the Hat of Destiny was forged prior to The
Sundering, others still believe that it was forged during The Sundering,
while some believe it was forged sometime last week. One thing is
certain, however; the Hat of Destiny has been forged at least once.
Presumably it possesses many powers.
The present whereabouts of the Hat of Destiny are unknown, but
sources close to that Hat indicate that it is not gone forever.
Well known for its eternal conflict with the Darkrift Fedora.
He is already dead
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A rumor that has been circulating on the internet for the past few
months about Tycho Brahe being dead. The main purpose of this farce
was to show that Tycho Brahe had already died in 1601 and that The
Fourteenth Manuscript should therefore be released. This Dark Fourteen
plot was around for a couple months before finally being debunked.
Heart
Share your thoughts
on the Heart Debate, or
read on for more
information about this
controversial rumor/facet/wishful
thinking.
The Debate
Heart is perhaps the most controversial of the secondary elements,
and its very existence is a point of contention. Heart is never
explicitly referenced in any of the ELotH:TES products, though
many diehard Heart supporters, or Defibrillies, maintain that Heart
is an integral part of of the ELotH multiverse. Defribrillies claim
that there are sly references to Heart scattered throughout the ELotH
franchise, such as some vague allusions in the flavor text of some
CCG cards, ambulatory dressers being made of heartwood, or the
rumored existance of a fifth Wizbit, Phila for the unwritten fourth
season of The Wizbits. Defribrillies also point out that the creator of
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The Wizbits, James Langomedes, has contained in his name all the letters
you need to spell HEART, except for the H, the R, and the T.
Defibrillies usually point to this passage from Book 8 as proof of their
claims:
“That was incredible... we... we should be dead,”
sputtered Trafficant.
He took Asana by the shoulders and backed her away
from the smoldering crater where moments before
had sat the Archmage’s equipment. It was obvious that
the entropic feedback machine would never again be
operational.
Breathlessly, Asana turned her big brown eyes up and
looked into Trafficant’s charcoal smudged face, a
single tear on her cheek, “Don’t you see. It’s just like
the old man said. ‘No power can stand against it, save
love.’” She paused. “This is what he was talking about.
I’m pretty sure that was... it was...” she trailed off.
”Heart Elemenstation?” Trafficant offered.
”I think so.”
”Rubbish...”
Chapter 27 Book 8
Critics point out that this doesn’t prove anything, while Defibrillies
counter with “Yes it does.”
Implications in Battle Theory
As far as the lore of ELotH itself is concerned, the question remains
why one would want to devote themselves to Heart as a field of
study. Think about it. With fire, you can burn things...burn things
with FIRE! Wind lets you kick sand into people’s eyes, which is kind
of annoying, I suppose. Oh, and it would help with windmills and
stuff like that. Water at least makes sure you’ll never die of thirst.
And Earth has that useful ability to open up gaping chasms under
your enemies. The canonical four elements are all things that you
could use to burn, blast, drown, or crush a foe, but Heart, being an
abstract concept like Justice or Philanthropy, is of questionable value
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in a magical battle. While one could make that case that, by virtue of
its name, Heart lends the user a stalwart brand of heroism and pluck,
one could also make the case that stalwart pluck won’t do much for
you in the face of a ten foot long flying fire demon.
Heart and Metaphysics
Some Defibrillies speculate that Heart does not exist as an element,
but rather pervades the other four elements and links them together,
and is therefore critical to the reality-rending powers of all Elemenstation. Think of Heart as the Jello that binds together the disparate
fruits of the four elements—see the Jello-Fruitcup Metaphor of
Elemenstation. Most proponents of this theory point to the existence
of the Ginormous Soul and the smaller fragments of Allsoul as proof of
Heart as a force, but not an element.
On the other hand, opponents of the Heart element would argue that
it has nothing to do with the Jello-Fruitcup Metaphor, and is most
commonly used as a dubious plot device in erotic fan-fiction. The
Heart element is most frequently employed in male/male romance
fanfics such as the 100 Slashes of the Sword Collection, where it is
typically used to make eternal, unfathomably rageful arch-enemies fall
in love with each other, and occassionally turn them gay in the
process.
There are theorists who follow the octahedric hyperprism hypothesis, who
controversially group Heart along with -The Unspeakable- as the
Light or “Binding” elemenstations. They believe that Heart is the
force that binds the four Secondary Elements of Life, Death, Carry,
and Stream together.
There are also the rare few who feel that, since a heart is made of
muscle, perhaps it is not so much a metaphorical but literal reference
to brute strength. Most people disagree with this interpretation, but
keep it to themselves since nobody is willing to confront someone
who thinks beating the hell out of people is a magic power.
It is worth noting, however, that The Tome of Tailors makes a vague
allusion to the revival of Harbinger Portent occuring if “The Five form
a Ring around the Roses with the pockets stuffed with posies.” It is
speculated that this indicated that the revival would require the five
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to sacrifice themselves by “falling down” into the NastiestPlanes,
sacrificing their power to revive Harbinger. This has lead a vocal
group to infer that Heart is an hitherto unseen element which will
only be discovered shortly before (or perhaps, during) The Fourteenth
Manuscript. Unfortunately, since the text was never technically written,
further analysis is impossible.
Related
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Elements
Air
Water
o Ice
o White Water
Fire
Earth
Heart (Debated)
Life
Death
Stream
Carry
The Four Vales
Fan Fiction
Heeroh Troughberry
Heeroh Troughberry, misplaced war refugee, is the barer of the
fantastical Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness. He rarely
unsheaths this great weapon because when wielding it, the bearer is
completely blinded by magical darkness.*
Interestingly, Heeroh bares the same name as an amateur Gladiatingor
of some note also named Heeroh Troughberry. This causes several
confusing and alternatingly humorous and tragic mixups throughout
his tale.
It was during the (mis)adventures of Book 2 of the Elemenstor Saga
that Heeroh and his daughter Orphenna Troughberry journeyed through
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the FaeriWrathe Lands in search of the log cabin fortress of Zenethir
Foulblade.
Through much of this book we see a reluctant and cowardly Heeroh.
The yellow troll incident, the confrontation with the twisted and dark
Furniliar Bannister the Stationary, and the meeting with the Carpentabulational Council - all of these clearly illustrate Heeroh as an unworthy
man, though his daughter is anything but. It is only during the final
spat between Zenethir Foulblade and Heeroh that we see his true
colors:
“Father,” Orphenna pleaded. “Toss me the blade!
With it I will sunder the Omni Scarf and render this
Foulblade vulnerable to the hot chills!”
Heeroh was attempting to scramble under the cabin’s
bed, which was also doing its best to avoid any part of
this fight. Zenethir, being extremely comfortable,
struck Heeroh with a terrible blow. Heeroh turned
unsheathed his sword, immediately drenched in the
familiar inky blackness, and slid his dark blade across
the floor in the general direction of his effervescent
progeny. As his vision returned, he had a moment of
complete clarity. He looked down at the terrible
wound in his chest, and realized this wound would kill
him. It was as though his eyes had opened for the first
time! He could see Orphenna, in all her homeliness,
pick up the blade and begin to swing about at random.
”Daughter!” Heeroh called out as he stood, mortally
wounded, to defy Zenethir’s aggression, “You are now
in possession of the my ancient blade! You have a
proud lineage, defy the dark shadows!” Orphenna
nodded grave assent and swung the sword, now
visionless, nicking cupboards and furniture and
generally making a mess of the place.
Zenethir was unimpressed at this display and laughed.
He began to direct the young girl: “Warmer... warmer!
Ooh, colder,” until, enraged and chagrinned, she
charged, impaling the Omni Scarf around his neck and
slamming Zenethir against the dresser, which shook
273
with the impact.
Using his last ounce of energy, Heeroh dove for what
seemed to be a fairly valuable container that had
tumbled off the edge of the dresser, he being always
conscious and mindful of others’ things. The container
crashed to the ground, just out of reach, and as his
breath left him and all went to darkness, he could read
the label that said: “Xoxor Xxar”...
•
In some early printings of the book, the Dark Doomblade of
Magical Overarching Darkness is an artifact that had been in the
Troughberry family for generations, an unfortunate family heirloom if there ever was one. In later printings Heeroh aquired the
sword as an anonymous valentine (unbeknownst to him, it was
from the Weird Thing.)
Hepgoiess
Initially, there was only one reference to Hepgoiess in the entire body
of canon ELotH:TES literature. From this one can assume that
Hierlark Hepgoiess just likes to party all the time. The reference to
her occurs in Chapter 14 of Book 13:
Hierlark’Hepgoiess;likes;to;party;all;the;time,
party;all;the;time, party;all;the. She just likes to party all
the time......
Since then she has been referenced in several ElemenstorLance novels,
presumably because of a fair amount of interest in more details
surrounding this Hierlark from the fan community.
The Hidden Moon
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The Hidden Moon is one of Battal’s three moons. The other two
moons are known as the Bright Moons. The Hidden Moon is named as
such because of how darkly it broods with Unlight. It orbits low in
Battal’s night sky, below the two Bright Moons.
The Hidden Moon is also known as the Middlemoon which is very
much a misnomer because it is actually the lowest moon.
Spoiler
for The Wizbits
In TheWizbitsEpisode0209 - “Enter MooMaa! (Part 1), it was revealed
that the villain MooMaa had a secret palace on the far side of the
Hidden Moon.
Hierarch Larchmere
General
Hierarch Larchmere is a mysterious figure, apparently representing
the tendency to collect and acquire. The mispronunciation of its
name by Higherlark Larcheny was the origin of the term Higherlark and
is somehow linked to the lower status of subsequent emanations.
Larchmere is referred to once in the flavor text of the card Airth-fire
of the Hierarchs, from the series Sound: Be Gone, as “Larchmere the
Collector.” The only other direct reference to it occurs in the
harrowing 14th chapter of Book 13:
snigebs: the tale of Larchmere ;.;;.;;;.;;.; ;.;;.;;;.;;.; ;.;;.;
,((,,m is life is m is time is carry is life is time
is m is life is time is m is life is time is m,)),,
::::::LARCHMERE’S EMERGENCE;;;;;;;;;::EMERGES:::
EMERGESES:::EMERGENCES.capitalflight.emergencies
;scat ;scat;scat ;scat;scat;scat ;scat;scat ;scat
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gather your gold and cats, Larchy, gather your gold and
scat;;;;;;;cats;oulcats;oulscat;soulscat
you look like a cat, a Wang dragan,
but you gather your scat like sdlrowmlaer, the Globule, but you’re a
scatsoulscat;;;
”My emanation emerges. Speak to me, stillborne procreation. Speak.
Say the name of daddy quothe”,,,,larchmere,,,”,,,
frommoney money is born ;;;;; ;;;;; ;;;;; ;;;;;frommy scat a aaa child is
borne.............................
mcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmcmc
mcmccmcmcmcmcm
ccmcmcmcccmcmcmcmccmcccmcmccccccccccccccccccc
ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
ccccccccccccccccccccccccc
ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
,,,”,,,,Higherlark Larcheny,,,,”:”Hee hh heeiiii hieerrlarch,,”,,...
...........................scat
in the misspeaking, the corruption of thw word, the breaking of the
world, the fall of the hierarchs snigebs
only a eulithian resonance vector can redeem you
now.;.;;.;;;.;;;;.;;;;;.;;;;;;.;;;;;.;;;;.;;;.;;.;..........
Note: On several lines here, the text actually extends beyond the
breadth of the page, necessitating the inclusion of several fold-outs in
the book that are the height of a single line of text. Versions of the
book in which these have not been torn off currently sell for
hundreds of dollars on e-bay.
Real World Interpretations
According to some of his followers (see Langoites), in one of his
“inner teachings” James Langomedes claimed to be in direct contact
with Hierarch Larchmere. By “synchornizing his rays with Hierarch
Larchmere’s rays”, Langomedes claimed that he was able to “manifest” an entire antique district in Cleveland, Ohio. According to
276
Langomedes, this opened a “temporospatial ripple” through which
the statistically impossible occurrence of multiple Gangster Octopus
cards was able to manifest; in the Langoites worldview, the Gangster
Octopus was the Platonic Form Itself of all that is rare and desired.
Even among paranormal specialists, Langomedes’ theory regarding
the cards and the antique district are viewed with suspicion. It is in
fact the only theory ever to be discredited on The Learning Channel’s
series Hauntings.
The Hierarch Wars
The collective title for the penultimate three books of Tycho Brahe’s
Elemenstor Cycle of books. Resoundingly epic in every possible way,
just to read the dust jacket of the collected hardcover edition is to
hear the sound of a noble army girding itself for war!
Books of the Hierarch Wars
The Hierarch Wars Begin (Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild,
Vol. I)
The Hierarch Wars Continue (Colloquially, Elemenstors Gone Wild,
Vol. II)
End of the Hierarch Wars (Colloquially, Elemenstors: Spring Break
‘2,167)
Please note that while some fans commonly refer to these colloquial
titles, many feel that their usage cheapens the epic atmosphere that
Brahe sought so carefully to imbue the trilogy with.
Hierarchs
Beings in the highest plane of the Elmether, the Hierarchs forged the
Starborn Gem and The Four Vales, binding in them the essences of the
277
Elemanifestations and their aggregate, Ginormous Soul. From the very
depths of the Voidnes which they both preceded and followed, the
Hierarchs began the Darkstorm to destroy the Four Vales, thus
creating the world of Battal. The smallest particle of their being is
incomprehensible even to the highest Elemenstors of High Elemenstation. Only the Highest of the Exalted Highest Elemenstors of High Elemenstation is permitted to even pretend that he believes he understands a
fraction of a particle of their being (or non-being).
They are they objects of worship in the Vuksveufa religion.
It is important to note, however, that the Hierarchs are also believed
to be a eulithian resonance vector of the Elemenstors themselves flung
back into the past. Obviously, this changes the entire nature of the
series, indeed allowing both prequels and sequels to be created
featuring the same characters, regardless of the Saga Timeline. Thus,
speculation has pointed to a fourth season of The Wizbits. In addition,
this concept forms the basis of Book 13, which takes place both
before and after the Hierarch Wars.
Using the “the elemenstors are the hierarchs” argument is how most
fans explain the title to their friends who ask why there are no
characters called Hierarchs doing epic things about which there are
epic legends being told in The Elemenstor Cycle and related literature.
High Elemenstation
High Elemenstation is the almighty power that Harbinger Portent
gleaned from the inscriptions on the Starborn Gem. It is a great and
mighty force indeed, and through the induction of Elemanifestations,
the various Elemenstors and High Elemenstors of Battal conduct their
amazing deeds.
High Elemenstation is generally divided into four main catagories of
study, each one presided over by one of the High Elemenstors. These
four categories are Air, Earth, Water, and Fire. Those seeking to be
taught these arts must go to one of the great schools of Elemensta278
tion, such as the Cerulean Citadel of Mont Elim for training, although
on occasion one has been known to learn High Elemenstation from
less than great schools (See: Elvangella School of Elemenstation) and by
other means.
High Elemenstors cast spells, which they refer to as striking gears, of
great elemental power.
It is upon the mastery of High Elemenstation that a student recieves
their Elemenstave.
Char Reyarteb was able to singlehandedly create, with the aid of the
Starborn Gem, the essence of Dark Elemenstation.
The Runeglyphabet
The mysteries and varieties of High Elemenstation are communicated
among Elemenstors in the Runeglyphabet. These arcane cyphers are
most often found in bathroom stalls or sprayed on alley walls. They
were originally “discovered” by fans working from Wizbits cheese
squiggles, and were then found on the internet by the CCG publisher,
who thought they were pretty neat and started using them.
High Elemenstor
A practicioner of High Elemenstation. Elemenstors must train for many
years to obtain this rank, apprenticing themselves to more experienced High Elemenstors to learn the secrets of this trade (in this
context, in many cases, “apprenticing” is interchangable with
“whoring”).
During The Great Elemenstruation, High Elemenstors were reasonably
plentiful, though, in reality, all they mostly did was just flashed their
powers around to impress members of the opposing sex (as well as
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for certain...other purposes...once said members were suitably
impressed. For more information on this, see The Unspeakable).
Weapons of the High Elemenstor
While it is a matter of public record that even a half trained Elemenstor can weild his craft unaided by any devices, most choose, for
reasons of convienience and flashy-ness, to channel their powers
through a weapon or tool of some sort, the best known of which is
the Elemenstave, which the High Elemenstor usually crafts by hand when
he or she acheives said rank.
Homo Canii
One of three races descended from Zonard (see also Halfmen). Also
called the Dogmen, or Canid. Were, predictably, rather more loyal
than any of the other half-men races. To this day Canids are despised
even by the other half-men as turncoats, due to their unfortunate
tendency to crawl back to the human oppressors, tails literally
between their legs. True fans of the series recognize that the portrayal
of Gollum in the new LotR films was a complete ripoff of the Canid
character Hairball in the unfortunate Book 13
Interesting Facts:
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•
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Surprising levels of literacy
Extremely large teeth
No proper opposable thumbs
Easy to house-train
Dust Jacket
The electrifying Tides of Epic Conflict return with an epic Book
Two: Hopebane’s Gambit! Lord Hopebane has learned the dark arts of
poisoning—and with the epic bombshell Lopae of Hopea by his side,
the Court of Teisti can only be in for nasty, epic surprise! Will Lady
Ambivilia see through his epic deceit? Will Hopebane take the epic
throne? And will the epically sinister Yam-Eaters strike? You can
only find out in Hopebane’s Gambit!
Plot
Lord Hopebane is in Hopea, and has just completed his two-year
training in the art of undetectable poisoning under Dark-Elemenstor
hermits in Mont Skyfinger, while Blacksmith Smithy Blackfinger of
Skyfinger has completed work on his Armor of Fullchesthood. He gives
the garment to Lopae, and starts the long journey back to Teisti. On
the way back, he tests the Armor’s power on a few publicans and
inkeeps, and finds few men can think straight with the enhanced
Lopae in front of them.
Ambivilia has given up on warning the court about the dark forces in
the Ultracraggoths, but she can’t shake the feeling that something bad
might soon happen. However, she feels at ease when she meets the
charming Lord Hopebane, who promises that if they work together,
they can forge a new court that won’t take such important affairs
lightly.
Back in the Ultracraggoths, Percy has infiltrated the Dark Forces, and
has found that the Yam-Eaters have found a new tool—a certain Lord
Hopebane, who has been tricked by two of their kind in Mont
Skyfinger into throwing the court into disarray, making their plans for
conquest even easier. Before long, all fields in the Sickle will grow
naught but yams! Horrified, Percy begins to head back to his home of
Bizarkule, where he plans to tell The Kapiten of the evil plots in the
Ultracraggoths. On his journey back, he encounters many dangers,
which he deals with in excruciating detail.
Hopebane now feels ready to begin his plans, having a small cadre of
lords allied to him. He makes a minor power play, turning a large
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faction of lords against him. Lopae easily seduces their leader, and
while he’s distracted by her, Hopebane poisons him. Lopae quickly
redresses herself, makes up his bed, and leaves him in it. The next
morning, the man is dead, and in the chaos, Hopebane convinces a
few of his former enemies to join him.
The book continues in this manner, alternating between gratutiously
detailed seduction scenes, cold-blooded murder, and Hopebane
talking to stuffy lords. One can safely skip through chapters 23 to 49,
as they’re really just the same thing over and over again, although the
loving detail paid to Lopae’s bosom is worth checking out, if only for
the number of ways “heaving,” “round,” “ample,” “full,” and “large”
can be combined.
Eventually Hopebane manages to murder the Cream Emperor, and,
in a confusing series of rapid-fire seduction-murders, he kills off the
next 13 as well, making sure anyone with imperial ambitions has their
wish and death on the same day. In one phenominal act of hubris, he
manages to kill and appoint three different emperors in a single orgy.
This results in Grodin Keili, a pitifully inadequate man, being appointed emperor, while Hopebane plans to overthrow him outright.
On what he planned to be his final night in Teisti, he beds Lopae,
then kills her as the last witness to his crimes. The novel ends as
Percy returns to his hometown and bursts in the Kapiten’s office.
From the betrayal of Lopae:
“I feel like you don’t love me, Lord Hopebane,” Lopae
breathed heavily. “Like you are...just using my
enhanced cleavage to further your evil plans.”
”Nonsense,” Hopebane smiled. “Now, my dear
Lopae, I have a task for you.”
”What evil deed or good person must I do now, my
Lord?” she replied, her large bosom straining her
armor.
”Drink this completely natural and non-poisoned glass
of Amberberry juice for me, will you?”
”Amberberry? For me?” She asked, her eyes confused,
her breasts large. “Could this be a sign that you do, in
fact, love me? Could it be that I have not yet outlived
my usefulness, and as such that you do not intend to
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poison me and cast me aside after bedding me and my
chest?”
”Whatever gets you through the day, woman.”
”Will you still love me the same way you do now when
I’m eighty three, and my prodigious chest drags the
floor like two drunken dwarves?”
”When you are eighty three, I will love you exactly as
much as I do now. Now drink!”
She raised the glistening draught, and downed it.
”Aaaah,” she cried, clasping her hands to her ample
chest. “What cold is this that grips at my breast, when
your hands are so far away? Could this be death? A
quiver runs through me, like an earthquake in two
mountains of gelatin, alas, when—“
”Oh, shut up and die, woman!”
”—my...back..hurts.” She fell back on the bed, and her
last breath escaped her firm, full, now-dead chest.
Hondana shivered in the shadows, and held still.
Horatio Luskfish
Son of Julio, Arch-Son of Hermes the Obtuse, Tribbit of Thithithmihos
on the edge of The Dank, traveled along a dark and sinister path to
emerge as one of Battal’s most beloved heroes.
Though he appears in later works as a peripheral character, the main
story of Horatio is chronicled in Tycho Brahe’s Elementsor Cycle Book
1: The Fires of Mount Windice. The first book in Brahe’s Epic Saga
describes Horatio’s humble beginnings as a Mucksucker of the Luskfish
Clan and follows the unwitting protaganist through his corruption by
the Pixlie Bibee. Bibee ultimately warps the mind of the poor Tribbit
so severely that she convices him to climb the icy burning slopes of
Mount Windice to plunder the Mosaic Platter of Ronard!
After Horatio’s adventures in Book 1, he then appears again at the
beginning of Book 2, but after the terrible experiences of his last
adventure, he is unwilling to get involved in the events transpiring
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around him. Despite the unwillingness to get involved, it is his brief
encounter with two war refugees, father and daughter Heeroh
Troughberry and Orphenna Troughberry, that sparks Orphenna to
undertake the quest that drives the journey of that book.
Of some note is that an alternate telling of Horatio’s adventures can
be found in The Story That Is Built One Sentence At a Time By Those That
Read It as collected in The Temptations of the Bix the End Table, and other
tales.
Ickthorn the Unpopular
Ironically named anti-hero who was never exactly in the series,
somehow, he ended up being a rather popular character for a short
while.
Gruff and vile to the point of almost incoherance, Ickthorn was
basically all the worst things about the Wasted Elemenstors.
He is mentioned in the introduction to Book 6 and in some minor
character dialouge in Book 7, which is where the intense interest came
from.
Though never featured as a main character, The Wizbits TV show lists
him by name under Special Thanks in the credits of Episode 2.
In the introduction of Book 6 this character is specifically quoted as
saying, “You could count the number of people who have touched all
100 of King Selent’s 100 blades on one hand, and I am one of them.”
The character is then not mentioned again until...
Old Lentle cleared his throat. “The way I aim ‘ter be
seein’ it. The youngin’ fellers tweren’t...”
Hom Better stood suddenly. “We’ve heard enough
from you already old man, it is time for action, not
speeches. Did Old Milkjug stand around talking when
the Mumbler stole his prize dairy cow? NO! Did
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Seamus Macall-the-stars stand around talking when
Omnibus Blibberblat made eyes at his lady? NO!” He
paused in his retoric, to great effect, then began again
slowly and softly. “Did the great Unsunderer, power in
his name, stand around TALKING when Ickthorn the
Unpopular stole his most precious and perfect? NO!” he
thundered.
His nephews, brothers, sons, and cousins all around
him errupted in a loud murmer of “truly, truly”, “yes,
yes”, “much agreement”, which washed over the
assembled council and broke like waves of a newly
risen tide.—Book 7
The Infurnal
The Furniliar counterpart to undead creatures - that is, creatures that
are animated from splinters of destroyed furniliars, and other
abominations of furniliar magic that cannot be adequately explained
by mastery of Stream or Carry elemenstation. They are generally
created using Carry elemenstations of reverse-Ambulation hybridized
with Blood elemenstation. Because only the highest forms of reverseAmbulation can provide free will and full mobility, tertiary and
quaternary elemenstations are often used to supplement the creature
and provide further mobility and drive.
The most famous examples of infurnal creatures are the Origami
Golems and the Vile Automata. As evident by the Origami Golems, some
infurnal creatures are created in the absense of Blood elemenstation,
and as such the art form is only considered with the same mediumevil distain as the rest of Carry elemenstation.
They are sometimes classed among the Twisted Furniliars, but there are
a few key differences. The most obvious one is that Twisted Furniliars
are created from something whole, while the infurnal are amalgamous
constructs of wear, tear, and decay.
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The Institute Of Accoutermentia
A school of Elemenstation in Ezermethalon. One of the Fathom League
Schools.
All incoming Freshman students are required to take a course which
emphasises the dangers of Dark Elemenstation, which sets the pace for
the rest of the curriculum, which centers on not only how to perform
Elemenstation, but also its role in a moral society. This of course leads
to much interest in Dark Elemenstation, a topic the students would
otherwise probably have ignored.
Upon joining the school, the Freshman students are also distributed
among the four houses through the use of a transchanted Remaindering Hat. Four houses were established, and are advertised in the
school’s literature as:
• Gilgamar - The house for the protagonist of heart
• Schmelgabel - The house designed for the amusingly plump
• Raffleston - The house for the pleasantly irrelevant
• Slobodan - The house for future murderers
Gilgamar Smith, founder of Gilgamar house, originally suggested that a
house specifically allocated for the purpose of warding evil elemenstors was a poor idea. However, after his untimely murder, opposition to the house waned, and it has existed ever since.
Notable Alumni
•
•
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Felthar of Gilgamar
Serafina Haberdasheron of Gilgamar
Gorg Stinkrot of Slobodan
Notable Staff
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Eric Langerhans, Dean of Special Research
Professor Bertus Tanklebing, head of Gilgamar
Headmaster Scrooble
Isaac Purcheron
In Book 7, leader of the children of Valedaleglenhill, 15-yr-old Isaac is
able to communicate with animals. Although not an Elemenstor he has
a mole as a companion.
His adventures continue in The Adventures of Isaac and Raven, which
takes place five years after the events of the book.
Ishkarot Doogan
Not much is known about Ishkarot Doogan. He appears briefly in
the Book 5 and then not again until the Book 11, when he steals
Xasserole’s famed weapon, Xasserole’s Slightly Enchanted Sundering Stick.
It is believed that Ishkarot is from the Cataclysmic Bluont.
Ithbarg
Ithbarg was the twin kingdom of Ithbarg II, founded on the 100th
anniversary of the founding of Ithbarg II. It resided on the north
western corner of The Shield, in the lee of the Beutrafficades. It was
largely uninhabited except for small fishing villages on the coast and
hermit colonies in the foothills. It was not surprisingly easily
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conquered by Vhadxi during the Vampyric Wars shortly after getting
lost in Portund.
Central Ithbarg is rather swampy, and in the later history of Battal
became the location of The Dank, considered a real cultural backwater, as most of far northern and western Battal is generally looked
down upon, as unclean, primative, and uneducated.
An ancient gate, known as the Moonrock Gate “protected” the eastern
borders of the lands. Unfortunately, only the illusion of safety was
offered. Constructed from an alloy of Moonrock, the gate phased in an
out of existance once per hour. Merely because no army had
bothered to try to conquer this kingdom previously was what had
kept them safe. When the vampyric hordes invaded during the
Vampyric Wars in 943, the army was delayed by only a half an hour.
The little village of Moonrock Glade near the gate is where Faize
Vanishing Cheese is made.
The northern regions of the ruins of Ithbarg, by the time of The
Wizbits have become the brewery kingdom of Octobavaria.
Ithbarg II
Ithbarg II was the first nation of Ithbarg. One of the twelve realms
destroyed in the Vampyric Wars and was situated on the northwestern
corner of The Shield.
In the high native tongue of Ithbarg (called Bargon IV) the word II
(pronouced Vee) means “Original Kingdom”.
Ithbarg II was sometimes referred to as the Land of Dwarven Brew,
known for it’s dwarven ale, dwarven scotch, dwarven grog, dwarven
mead, and dwarven iced chai latte.
The dragon Scotchorz once consumed an entire dwarven brewery.
Long after the Vampyric Wars, the region became known as the land
of Grammelgrap, a land of beasts and fowl creatures. Few ventured
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into Grammelgrap, which was bordered by inhospitable Farnvania to
the east and the even less hospitable land of The Dank to the south.
Grammelgrap was the location of many of the “evil” kingdoms of
Battal, including Affenlichtbaum, the second largest tree-city of the
Gorthmaugs, into which the Good Elemenstors of Book 11 made a
daring raid.
Jarvelos
A wiry, dark-skinned Elemenstor and narcoleptic and also the lover of
Ubrith.
He was killed by Spiral Doom.
Jubilee of the New Year
This holiday is celebrated at the beginning of each year (on the 1st of
Primanary) and honors the birth of King Ronard. There are usually
gatherings in town squares and dancing. It is also customary for
guests to give a gift to thier hosts as well. But, as so many holiday
stories go, “[The Jubilee of the New Year] isn’t about presents or
dancing, it’s about revenge.”.
Originally, the holiday was celebrated in the truest spirt of the holiday
people honor King Ronard, who believed himself superior to others
and was fond of smiting those with better magic swords then him
with his Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer. People found
others, particularly those whom they think think that they’re better
then them, and smote them. Severe offenses met retribution with
cerimonial copies of Ronard’s Hammer, while most were lesser and
would just merit a smiting with a piece of stale bread.
Over the years, the holiday became commercialized, people singing
the songs, but just the catchy refrains, and not the verses that detail
the bloodier exactments of revenge. Inflatable novelty hammers
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became the norm, with everyone wielding one around this time of
year. Even the presence of Ronard has been all but eliminated from
most Jubilee celebrations, instead focusing on the tall, bespectacled
most likely fictional character of Saint Jubilous (dressed in his blue
winter garbs), who collected taxes from his enemies, rather than
smiting them at all.
There are the hardcore who encourage everyone to remember the
“real meaning of Jubilee” and go out actually smiting, and this is the
moral and focus of most seasonal Jubilee morality plays.
The traditional food of the hammer driven holiday is of course...
Ham.
“Believer, you have forgotten the true meaning of Jubilee. Neither is it ham, nor
pomp. Nay, the true meaning of Jubilee is drinking. Drinking and revenge.”—
Ghost of King Ronard, Book 13
Good King Ronard was of course referring to “iarba roo begol-vixzekkot, bru’stoove lopok aynikkoree”.
Jyept Adept
The Jyept Adept are driven by their perceived betrayal at the hands of
the Chronoclave.
The rigorous training of the Chronoclave inevitably leaves broken
men in the wake of its rigor. These are the Jyept adept. Cast out of
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Spaghetti Western and believing their birthright usurped by the Elders
of the Chronoclave, the Jyept Adept battle their former masters in
attempt to take back what was taken from them.
The Avenues of Time are wide and winding. While it may seem odd to
have Elders in an organization that exists outside of time itself, such
is the circumstance. That’s how the Chronoclave rolls.
K’th’ith’h is one of the Twelve Realms of Antior, and it sits near the
center of The Shield. Its capital, L’fh’ik, is a half-walled stronghold
jutting out from the base and lower four-seventeenths of G’nth’l,
greatest of the Ap’str’ph’ Mountains. K’th’ith’h is the center of trade for
the semi-precious ore, Apostrophine, which was used in the construction of R’ll’b’gsw’d, the Lesser Fourth Backup Sword of Shezdor.
Control of the Apostrophine mines was the primary point of argument
in the C’nf’s’ng Trade Dispute of 799. (it is widely thought that this
dispute was one of the indirect catalysts to the Vampyric Wars,
although Mr. Brahe never directly states such)
Inhabitants
The two primary cultures of K’th’ith’h are the K’thians (not to be
confused with the Khith) and the Sw’ftfl’woots. The two races rarely
intermingle, as the language and cultural barriers between them are
epic in proportion.
Landmarks
The two most notable landmarks in K’th’ith’h are the Sw’ftfl’w River
and the Ap’str’ph’ Mountains (the largest of which is G’nth’l).
There is some argument about whether the dried lake bed of
Adhnaten Lake from the Vampyric Wars can really be called a landmark, but it is visible from remarkable distance and the smell is
unforgetable.
Government
According to document 74-C-0.1 subsection 41 of the K’th’ith’h
C’mp’nd’m, the King or Lord of the realm may (if he has not sired an
heir by his 70th winter) select a talented subject to serve as his
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replacement, effectively priming the subject for adoption into the
aristocracy. This procedure requires no vote from either branch of
the S’n’c’rt and cannot be overruled by any measure outside of the
filing of Form #A27.8 in odd-numbered years or Form G7-8 in even
numbered-years. This becoems a moot point, naturally, because
either form requires ultimately the signature of the King or Lord in
order to become law, but rarely would a Form get that far anyhow.
Appointments to the S’n’c’rt are obtained via a special drinking
contest held every four years.
Language
The native language of the K’thians is called K’th’s and is largely
unpronouncable by outsiders (and 27% of native-born citizens, as
well), which leads to the nation being in constant flux and dispute
with its neighbors, allies, enemies, well-wishers, debtors, etc. Local
dialects seem to spring up and perish almost weekly.
The thrust of the clandestine meeting and resulting dispute between
Lord B’gh’d and Vhadxi is awkwardly placed in Appendix B of Book 8
of the Cycle.
Kapybara
“Before him stood a tall, slender woman of extraordinary, otherwordly, truly elemenstral beauty. Her skin
was like alabaster, pale and soft like the sands of Luna
Dadaloth. Her large, dark, captivating eyes sparked
with a light of their own, like starlit skies or the clear
waters of the arctic oceans. Her shimmering blonde
hair reflected the moonlight in a way reminiscent of
molten gold and elemenstronium. She was wearing a
sleek, silvery white dress with sequined hems. A single
black pearl adorned her bosom; she wore no other
jewelry. Pale, gleaming noodles had been carefully
worked into her hair, though, their almost iridescent
sheen complementing the vibrant radiance of her eyes.
This was Kapybara, Speaker of The Unspeakable,
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Dark Elemenstrix of Myrkmoom.”
Kapybara, ruler of Myrkmoom, is generally regarded as one of the
most powerful female Elemenstors in history. She is a skilled
manipulator and a master of disguise, often preferring subtlety over
open displays of her Dark Elemenstrix powers. She first appears in The
Elemenstor Cycle, Book 4: Curse of the Doombane, where she confronts
Sotar Olderndirt on the slopes of Wang’s Peak, offering to join forces
with him in exchange for a “simple apology”. The details are left
unclear, but it is implied that Sotar and Kapybara had been lovers,
possibly even married, in the past. Sotar refuses in a rather unkind
manner, then proceeds to reveal everything about his affair with
Steppy in exquisite detail. Enraged, Kapybara sends her army of Dark
Toilet Table Furniliars against Sotar just as the legion of the War Men
emerges...
Kapybara has a more visible role from Book 10 to Book 12, where she
actively participates in the Hierarch Wars as one of the key Dark
Elemenstors. In Book 11, while investigating the mysterious disappearance of a number of important individuals, the Elemenstor Zuumont
discovers that Kapybara has, through careful and often personally
degrading manipulation of their damaged emotions, won the
devotion of every Bathtub Furniliar she could find. She then instructed
them to infiltrate the washrooms of her most powerful enemies and
drown, crush, or outright swallow those who opposed her. Later, in
the opening chapter of Book 12, she engineers a devastating betrayal
among the Elemenstor ranks, resulting in the dramatic and surprising
death of Sierra Vanity.
During the 11th Final Battle of Book 12, Kapybara spontaneously selfdestructs in a massive explosion, taking her Dark Furniliars with her
and turning a winning battle into a rout. The reasons behind this act
aren’t explicitly explained in the text, which has generated a lot of
speculation among the fans.
ELotH:TES Canon
Kapybara is a recurring character in Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Cycle
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series, appearing in Book 4, Book 10, Book 11 and Book 12 and possibly
in Book 13 although this is hard to tell.
Fan Art
Kelembad
One of the final twelve realms to be destroyed in the Vampyric Wars.
A mountainous and hazard-filled landscape dominated by the range
of the Howling Mountains, the Kelembadians were a fierce, hard, yet
musical people. Suriviving in the harsh climate of their volcanoe-rich
lands quickly killed any but the hardiest, or most rhythmic.
Thus, when the nomadic tribes started to settle towards building up a
greater civilization and eventually become the nation known as
Kelembad (before it was destroyed in the Vampyric Wars), two
characteristics were chosen amongst the pair that they would have to
lead them.
For a Queen they demanded the most physically fit fighting machine.
For a King the most sonorous tune-smith. Each was decided in the
Clashathon held every twenty years in order to determine their
leaders for the next two decades. At the Clashathon a pair of Man
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and Woman would compete against other pairs in a duet of sword
and zither, blade and drum, axe and mandolin. Whichever pair was
able to survive the assault of the other pairs, as well as please the
crowd with their melodies, was crowned High King and High Queen
of Kelembad.
Maintaining this tradition over the generations helped immensely
during the Vampyric Wars, as teams of husband and wife, “battlebards”,
were a fantastic asset against the Vampyre’s legion of Torvolds, a beast
whose only weakness is to be attack while listening to good music.
Kelembad was decimated in the last battle of the Vampyric Wars in
year 1,003 (TMSK). The region was referred to as Shattered Kelembad
for the next 2,510 years, until in year 3,513 (TMSK), when the region,
as well as the northern Ruins of Blee were formed into the First United
Republic of Terle.
Tales of this region after the Vampyric Wars are told in The Lost Tales
of Shattered Kelembad.
Recorded Kings and Queens of
Kelembad
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King Lightlute
Monny and Darie
Queen T’nihl and husband
King T’n’r and Queen S’pr’no
King T’nd’f and wife
Killer Black
Killer Black was imposingly tall and unnaturally thin. His short
cropped hair greyed early, and he had a tiny patch of a beard on the
tip of his chin which he thought made him look “more serious”.
Known later in life as Baltor the Upright, Killer Black was an Elemenstor
skilled in the art of Witherance, an ability typically associated with Dark
Elemenstors. Baltor walked the line between light and darkness, and
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in this twilight land exacted justice from those who felt that they were
above the law.
After a career of vigilante justice from the shadows, Baltor burned
out and gave up Elemenstation. He moved to a rural village in The
Kingdom of Parsonya where he settled down to the simple life of a
cheese maker (Soft Belpaisly, a regional delicacy), and eventually was
elected to town magistrate.
He briefly emmerged from retirement, in Book 10, to slay the
erstwhile Furniliar Barven Valori. Found within Valori’s drawers was a
love note written by Persephalous. The shame drove Persephalous into
hiding, as told in The Scolding of Persephalous.
He died shortly after in the Hierarch Wars, his head battered in during
the Battle of the Moonlit Banners.
King Ronard
King Ronard (0 - 583 TMSK) was the first of the Magic Sword Kings.
His magic sword is of little relevance, as they were fairly common in
that day, even though most people had no real use for them beyond
slicing bread and shaving their beards (which, it should be noted, is
not the best application for a magic sword. It did, however, become a
socially fashionable thing to do for the members of the upper classes
as a method of demonstrating their utter diseregard for their current
magic sword because they had so very many of them). In fact,
Ronard’s sword was weakly enchanted and not particularly large or
deadly, and his self-proclaimed title of “Magic Sword King” has been
seen by some as compensation for this weakness. In fact, it has been
noted by many historians that Ronard came to power primarily
through the liberal use of his Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey
Hammer. The year of his birth would not have been marked as the
year zero had it not been for his Proclamation of Superiority, made at
Ronard’s celebration of his thirty-third birthday, which stated thusly:
“Yea, verily, I art better than thou, and, to this effect,
thusforth, and forevermore, the day of my birth shallst
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be marketh’d as the zeroth year. If thou doth protest
this proclamation, feel ye free to deliver a treatise to
my Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer on the
matter forthwith.”—Spoken in the royal Proclamiton
language by King Ronard in the novel Ronard
Beknighted
Not surprisingly, few protested.
Early Life
His birth ended the horribly bloody and drawn-out conflict between
the Low Elves and the Men of the Covenant, although there is
disagreement as to the reason why. Many have speculated that Hygrad
the Mighty’s prophecy is borne out by the birth of this first Magic
Sword King (as it calls for a man who will identify himself as a “King
of Sparkling Swords”), although a few are not quite convinced.
Reign
Nonetheless, Ronard’s placement ended the war, and elevated to
King in Mandleclang for it. As King, through coercion, political and
economic pressure, and a big hammer, Ronard united most of the
leaders of Battal and formed The Kings Council. He also married the
princess Caliodora and with her had a son, also named Ronard.
With the help of his best friend and advisor, Magic Sword King Lord
Greylord, Ronard was able to forge a veritable empire which stretched
across all of Battal. With Kings of the line of Ronard as their high
king, The Kings Council would be the controlling rulers that governed
most of Battal for 800 years, although in-fighting among the members
was common, it was not until the Vampyric Wars that the alliance
began to weaken, and ultimately collapse.
Death
Ronard’s death during a game of Agash is described by the Monk,
Brother Dranor in the first of the Chronicles of the Magic Sword Kings.
Years later the religon of Ronardity was to be built around his legacy.
Successors
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Ronard was succeeded by his son, Ronard the Shorter, whose brief reign
was noted solely for the king’s excessive bouts of flatulence and, of
course, for the destruction of the kingdom in the Vampyric Wars.
Botard the Great and Judicious and Such rebuilt the kingdom; his reign
marked a peaceable and prosperous time for the people. After
reigning for less than a year, he was executed for having proposed a
tax on the possession and use of magic swords, and was duly
replaced by his second cousin, who was known only as Frogeater
Notapuppet. Incidentally, Frogeater immediately dropped the idea of
this tax, instead raising taxes on plows and gruel, much to the joy of
the magic-sword-beard-trimming nobility. Some historians speculate
that Frogeater may have been a figurehead for some form of shadow
government run by one or more of these nobles, but these theories
are obviously unfounded.
Kings of Ronard’s line, such as King Zonard, would continue to
surface in Mandleclang where the bloodline was still royal. Sometimes
they even rose to larger prominence as a high king among allied
nations, but it was not until the Ronard the Medium took the throne
22,000 years later that the line would again rule over all of Battal. See
Book 12 of The Elemenstor Cycle for more information on these events.
See also:
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Ronard Dynasty
Unholy Toilet of King Ronard
Mosaic Platter of Ronard
What would Ronard do?
Knight Moon Roar
One of the Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor.
A fierce warrior with a big heart, a firey temper, a large drinking
problem, and a tremendously bad sense of direction. Knight Moon
Roar was an “advance scout patrol knight” of the Wolf Men of Wor. His
tale is intertwined with that of the Four Underdogs, having a special
bond in particular with Myrtle Breakwind, who showed him tender
understanding when they first met and he was hopelessly lost, far
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from home, and a little bit more than tipsy. Helping someone get
outside to vomit and then making sure that they don’t die by
drowning in it goes a long way toward cementing a friendship.
Mentions of a daughter named Slakengrowl back on Mount Wor
appear in several episodes. It is for this reason that many fans suspect
that Lord Silvermane Snarlsnout, from Book 11, who claims to be of the
Slakengrowl Clan, is probably decended from Knight Moon Roar.
In a tragic scene in Episode 84 of ElamenSTAR when Knight Moon
Roar meets Myrtle again, after the Brainmanglement of the Wizbits,
she doesn’t recognize him.
First Appearance: episode 116, A Hairy Escape: The Wolf-man is
Revealed!
Knobble the Desk
Knobble the Desk was Elemenstor Zuumont’s faithful furniliar. Not only
was this heavy oaken desk more than competent in the battlefield, he
(unlike his Elemenstor master) also possessed quite a lot of common
sense.
Kordish Butter
Kordish Butter, made from the milk of the Kordish Cows, is
renowned for being extra greasy.
The Story of Mort and the Kordish
butter
A tale told in part by an unnamed character in Book 5 to boost the
spirits of Serafina Haberdasheron.
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Unfortunately, in the book this tale is repeatedly interrupted by the
barfight Felthar is engaged in at the time, so we do not have all the
details. Some of the missing sections are referenced in Book 7.
We know that the story begins with Mort the Dairyman delivering a
pint of half-and-half to a family, not knowing that the household
were mere puppets of a rogue corner bookcase that intended to
capture Mort and thereby corner the market on very heavy cream. After
substituting Mort’s supply with non-dairy creamer the foul shelving
unit tasks him with locating a stick of Kordish butter, knowing that
even should he find some he would never be able to hold on to it.
It’s unclear how Mort was able to locate the butter, but we know
from Book 7 that it involves The Existential Fun-Tack.
“And then Mort declared ‘Who dares to soil my
cheese?’” - Book 5
Lady Absinthia
With an outfit full of flourishes of black silk, fishnet, chainmail,
leather straps, and tribbit skulls, and a head of short spikey purple
hair, Lady Absinthia cut a distinctive profile as one of ELotH’s
most powerful reoccuring villianesses.
Birth
Lady Absinthia was born in year 15,673 (TU) in the city of Western
Bank, and given the name of Nallah Simuth. Born to a poor servant
woman who is unwilling to disclose the name of the father.
Life
Lady Absinthia had the Knack for Elemenstation but in a time when it
was not known what this was or how to harness these abilities. She
had the ability to make things happen... Dark things.. It isn’t until, at
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the age of 17 when she meets a young man named Petago Kerrik that
her true powers blossom.
The two quickly became inseperable. As Kerrik demonstrated more
and more power, so too did Nallah. The power changed them. Both
looking to shed their connections to their mundane lives, they
assumed new identities. Nallah took the name Lady Absinthia and
Petago took the name Lord Floppyshoe. Quick to point out that this
hardly sounded Epic, Nallah suggested Char Reyarteb.
Fame
At the side of Char Reyarteb (after he was turned out by Harbinger
Portent), Lady Absinthia helped him lay waste to many towns and
commit terrible atrocities. They amassed followers of which Lady
Absinthia was the unquestioned leader (Char had little interest in
leading disciples). At some point she invented a way to gain absolute
power by crafting item later known as Wand of Unlight.
Death
When Char Reyarteb finally rose up and killed his master Harbinger
Portent and took the Starborn Gem for himself, the gem dominated his
will. The first act the gem compelled Char to undertake was to
eliminate the strongest competition in both his life and in the struggle
for control of Battal. When he returned to Lady Absinthia’s castle
with the Starborn Gem, she took him into her arms and they embraced. After a long moment Char took his snakehead dagger and
drove it deep into Lady Absinthia’s back. He held her tight as she
struggled in the throes of death, finally lowering her gently to the
ground and reverently closing her eyes. Even as the unconsumed
portion of Char wept for her death, against all odds her body shed a
single, dramatic tear.
After Death
The Cult of Absinth, lead by the surprisingly immortal Armano, lives on
long after their leader is gone. Spreading chaos, and working Dark
Elemenstation, they are devoted to ressurecting her. The cult is
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featured in ElamenSTAR Season 3, and makes an appearance in Tales
of the Forever Road. Interestingly, they also work to thwart to Char
Reyarteb and his followers where possible and appear in Book 12 in the
Battle of the Bands of Hardahrock, fighting along side the forces of good.
trivia
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•
The Swedish Punk Girl Band Nallah takes their name from
Lady Absinthia’s true name Nallah Simuth.
Lady Absinth had a strong aversion to Cheeses.
After she was killed, there was much rejoicing in the lands,
and she was buried in Leng and in that society, Cheeses took
on a religious significants.
without Lady Absinthia, there would be no Char Reyarteb..
some say that this is the primary difference between Battal
and Alternate Battal.
Lady Absinthia was born under the Clockpace Comet.
In the upcoming anime Elemenstor Gearstrike, the cult is successful in reviving Lady Absinthia and she is one of the
primary antagonists.
Quotes
(taken from The Doom of All Things and the End of Time)
“Say,” remarked Petago, “that’s a lovely outfit... what
are those? Kitten skulls?”
”Tribbit,” she corrected him.
“Cheese? Can’t stand the stuff. It’s quite dreadful
really.”
Fan Art
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Lands of Va
Geography of Va
Va is a largely-flat but tectonically active area rich in elements such as
argon and mercury, with a high percentage of meteroric iron. It is
known to change its configuration rapidly, making maps of the region
useless. The only consistent feature of the land is the large plateau in
Central Va, which is the only inhabitable surface.
Va was located East of Portund for many millenia, until The True
Unsundering, when it moved to the North of Portund. Its position did
not change during The Sundering or The Unsundering, but during The
Resundering it shifted several inches to the left.
The plateau of Central Va is dominated by the huge Halls of Va.
Southwestern Va is home to the famed Mercury Mines of Va.
Politics of Va
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Va was ruled by 23 of the dreaded NightLairds with an iron fist. The
NightLairds ruled a population of fify thousand humans, all of whom
were dead. After the destruction of the NightLairds in Book 7, there is
no record of the new government of the Lands of Va.
Languages of Va
The common people of Va do not speak any languages, on account
of being dead. However, the NightLairds speak all languages (even the
unknown, unpronounceable and made-up ones) with a fluency and
accuracy unmatched by even the greatest scholars. Travellers in the
Lands of Va are strongly advised to avoid using adjectives.
Industries of Va
The principal export of Va is boiled mercury, which is renowned
throughout Battal as being of superior quality. Captured Witch-Elves
are forced to work the Mercury Mines of Va until they finally expire
from mercury vapour inhalation. The raw mercury is transported to
the Halls of Va for boiling. The proceeds from the boiled mercury
trade were spent on building additions to the Halls of Va.
Lapua Elves Movement
The inexplicably named resistance movement among the Dim Elves in
which a faction of the Dim Elves grows ardently nationalistic and
demands a return to the “wood and soil” of their ancestors.
The history of this movement appears in Book 11, but appears to be
pasted in from another unpublished work, as it appears to have no
connections to the main narrative of the book.
Larrana Modpeer
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One of the High Elemenstors to ally with Sierra Vanity in Book 11.
Fought alongside the stoic Revolp Darkblood, for whom she developed
a silent longing, as they fought shoulder to shoulder against The Eight
Elemental Constructs.
Larrana, the raven haired Earth Elemenstor beauty with alabastor skin,
brilliant ice blue eyes, and a radiant smile was too shy to approach
Revolp about her growing affection for him. Her internal monologues finally reach a head in the fevered pitch of the tumultious
Battle of the Towers of Elemenstation Power, where she finally cries out to
Darkblood that she loves him, has always loved him, and will always
love him. It is at that moment that he is impaled by a gigantic lance
and he dies right before her eyes.
She wasn’t the same after that.
Fan Art
Lavatoria
The ancient land of Lavatoria consisted of the western regions of
what would later be called Battal. Formed of the Vale of Airth after
the Darkstorm, Lavatoria was a vast and barren wasteland of dire
swamps, inhospitible mountains, and foggy scorched lowlands. It was
into this region that in approximately year -32,400 (TH) that a noble
race of Taintless Men was born, one of the first of the races of Men to
domesticate wild furniture. This was a race that raised the chore of
cleaning to a religious, cultural, and moral expression of their world
view. The craftsmen of the Taintless Men developed the art of brewing
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Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid, a substance famed for its puissant
ability to clean the scum and taint of evil from even the soiledest of
crockery and table-wares.
The Dishwashing Liquid Distilleries of Lavatoria produced tremendous
amounts of the stuff, storing it in giant underground storage facilities
for later use. It was these underground tanks that were discovered
much later in the histories of Battal, when the story of Lavatoria had
been long forgotten by the races of Men. This led to the belief that
Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid was a non-renewable natural resource
of the region, not realizing that it was at one time made by laboring
craftsmen.
Taming the wildernesses of Lavatoria, the Taintless Men established a
paradise whose fame spread far and wide throughout the lands. But
dark clouds were forming on the horizon of this fabled kingdom.
The Hierarchs, jealous of the success of this johnny-come-lately race
sought to sew the seeds of evil and dispair, and failing that, to
outright destroy the kingdom.
The ElemenstorLance Novel, War of the Taints explain how this region at
the time of the Million Year War was again a dark, boggy, unclean
place (and largely it has remained so throughout Battal’s embattled
history) and why no trace of the Taintless Men remained.
Law 323
Entertainment/Tautology Renumeration Law
# Magical items that are not made expressly for entertainment
purposes are not to be toyed, trifled or twiddled with.
## “Entertainment purposes” are defined as any purposes that
would render an item appropriate for toying, trifling or twiddling.
## “Toying, trifling and twiddling” are defined as activities inappropriate for any item that is not made expressly for entertainment
purposes.
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# Any tautologies involved in this law are to be strictly ignored.
## A tautology is defined as an empty or vacuous statement
composed of simpler statements in a fashion that makes it logically
true whether the simpler statements are factually true or false.
## Furthermore, a tautology in formal logic is defined as a statement
that is true regardless of the truth or falsity of its component
statements, or that is true by its own definition, or in the case of
grammatical tautology, as a fault of style in which the same statement
or content is reiterated needlessly.
# Given that some sections of this Law are strictly ignored, Clause 2
is to be strictly ignored due to lack of tautologies in this law.
After the controversial Gloobyent vs. Mooblechh case,
the Supreme Court recommended implementing a
nonambiguous definition for the terms “appropriate”
and “inappropriate” or, preferably, a complete revamp
of clauses 1a and 1b.
During the subsequent Mooblechh vs. Gloobyent
case, the mind of the Chairman of the Supreme Court
was thoroughly boggled, resulting in the termination
of the trial, unprecedented public outrage and a
transient crisis in the justice system.
Excerpt from the transcript of the Gloobyent vs.
Mooblechh case:
Prosecutor Grumuffle: Were you or were you not
twiddling the Magical item?
Lextor the Vextor: That depends what you mean by
twiddling....
Prosecutor Grumuffle: I mean simply the legal
definition of which we are all aware. You were
engaged in activities that were inappropriate for an
item that was not expressly designed for entertainment
purposes.
Lextor the Vextor: (Giggles) Well, that depends on
what you mean by “entertainment purposes” (giggles).
Prosecutor Grumuffle: (Grumuffles) Clearly, I mean
that it was designed in such a way that it was inappropriate to twiddle it in such a manner. Please answer the
question, Mr. Vextor.
Defender Pufflewump: Objection your honor, the
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Prosecutor’s statements are circular. He is trying to
entrap my client in an infinite regress, and so this
entire proceding must be ignored and stricken from
the record in accordance with Section 2 of Item Law
323.
Judge Wimpleclump: I believe that that section refers
to tautologies and not infinite regresses...
Defender Pufflewump: With all due respect, your
honor, the circularity involved in this infinite regress
entails a tautology, regardless of the additional
imperative content of the item law.
Judge Wimpleclump: Objection overruled. The
statements are clearly non-identical. Proceed, Mr.
Grumuffle.
Prosecutor Grumuffle: Thank you your honor. I will
proceed more carefully. Mr. Vextor, weren’t you
engaged in activites that are inappropriate for any item
that is not made expressly for purposes that would
render it appropriate for activites that are inappropriate for any item that is not made expressly for
purposes that would render it appropriate for activites
that are inappropriate for....er...such an item?
Lextor the Vextor: Um. I suppose, maybe, I must’ve
been by definition? (giggles uneasily)
Defender Pufflewump: Objection, your honor. My
client was clearly confused into mistaking the regress
for a tautology.
Judge Wimpleclump: Actually, I’m not so sure that it
wasn’t a logical tautology anymore. At any rate, an
infinite regress can certainly be understood as a
grammatical tautology, which would serve the same end
legally...
Prosecutor Grumuffle: Objection, your honor, with all
due respect, the second Section of Law 323 would be
negated anyway, since if the first section actually is a
tautology, Section 3 requires that section 2 be
ignored...
Judge Wimpleclump: Overruled? Is there another
regress in there at another level of abstraction? Would
that constitute another implicit grammatical tautology?
Can I call a brief recess, please...
308
The trial of Lextor the Vextor was a major part of the early sections of
Book 2
Lextor the Vextor
On trial for violation of Law 323, his trial plays a major part in the
beginning of Book 2.
He ultimately is found not guilty by reason of recursive grammatical
loopholes regarding regressive tautologies, which is of course a
common flaw in the system.
Lextor is free and on the streets in time to have the Troughberrys
and two twin Fire Elemenstors drop out of a dimensional gate fifteen
feed directly above where he was bemusedly brushing off his cloak
and giggling to himself in chapter 22.
He is known to giggle nervously.
Lift Maiden
The Lift Maiden is one of The Eight Elemental Constructs.
A being of pure, darkly perverted elemental Carry, the Maiden
fashions a form for itself from surrounding materials, always forming
a hard outer crust from heavier materials and a juicy center from
softer ones. It is also called the Ecreek Ooamp, a reference to its nature
as a failure of a failure, a negation of a negation, a wheel within a
thing that pokes wheels and breaks them. The main encounter with it
occurs in Book 11.
First, a pathetic attempt is made to poison the carry energies by
diverting the entity through an apple orchard, the thought being that
the cyanide in the seeds will poison and destroy it. The entity
responds by taking the form of a massive cyanide-spitting cobra. At
309
the last minute, a new character named Ray the Telesorcerial arrives
along with a regiment from the Dragoon Knights of Wyvernclaw Mountain.
He deprives the construct of any surrounding material by the use of
telesorc’ley. However, the portgates only serve to spread the dark carry
energies, generating an army of smaller Lift Maidens that strive to reunite themselves.
The Lift Maidens are dispersed, but never finally defeated. They
continue to hang as a lingering threat through the end of the series.
They are discussed briefly in Derrida’s groaningly pun-heavy short
essay Spectres of Carry, which was somehow posthumously written.
Linuxium
Tied to everything.
Some consider this element insidiously evil, since its complicatedness* does not derive only from its relations with element of Ice, but
also from a ill willed of a rogue Dyemon called Setag. * Interestingly, Linuxium is specifically mentioned as being used in building
certain living beings, like Penguins or Dyemons.
The element of Linuxium is theorized to have started its existence
not as an element*, but as a collection of ‘ripped scraps’ of spacetime,
or ‘scripts’**. The formation of the element itself was not so much a
single event as a long-term process, contributed to and built by
powerful Elemenstors all across Battal who made use of these ‘scripts’
by painstakingly nesting them inside of one another until it took on
another form altogether.
There are some Elemenstors who swear by Linuxium, claiming it to be
‘the most stable Quaternary Element,’ but sometimes they have trouble
getting their Elemenstaves to boot up at all, and Elemenstors who are
more versatile make jokes about them behind their backs.
Notes
310
•
In the P&P RPG, Linuxium is merely defined by saying: “The
Complexity Element”
** Its placement on several charts shows it has an elemental relationship to Ice
*** Pure conjecture on the part of the fan community. Setag is
mentioned only once, in the prolog to Book 7 titled Role Call in
the Timeless Pit where he is specifically mentioned as “Setag, pink
dyemon lord and sower of complexity.”
More speculation. Book 10 makes reference to Penguins and
their unique method of procreation in Battal. The interworking
of spawn points are cryptically explained in french and contain
the words “de l’Inuxium.”
* Book 3 Makes reference to a Quarternary element which was
artificially crafted, and of such complexity that its use was reserved for the most arcane of knowledge seekers. Ripped Scraps
are referred to here. There is enough information here to assume
that the process of crafting the “complexity element” could have
taken place as described.
** A fan fiction “The Grand Elemenstor of Linuxium” first introduces the term “scripts” for “ripped scraps”, and ties together
all the lore (although documenting sources and lore is not the
focus of the story). This story makes mention of his stave which
will not “boot” (as he has dubbed the term for striking stave
assisted gears)
List of Sensoared Spells and
Gears
Forbidden Spells
•
Destructafacation
Double Forbidden Spells
•
Ycarip ten retn’i
311
Naughty Spells
•
Focused Size
Spells That Are Best Not Even to
Talk About
Forbidden Gears
•
Carry On
Double Forbidden Gears
•
Smegmamorphosis
Naughty Gears
•
Re-furnilisation, Naughty for a variety of reasons, not the least
of which being the terrible re-furnilisation sickness it causes.
(See: Book 12)
Gears That Are Best Not Even to
Talk About (BNEtTa)
•
312
Permanent Water Reliquidification
•
•
•
Deferment
Universally Loathed Dirty, Dirty Gear
Bestow Furnithropy
Notes
It should be noted that all gears that are not Forbidden, DoubleForbidden, Naughty, or BNEtTA, should be considered Pending
Forbidden, because it is assumed that in the future, some group will
object to a gear for some reason or another eventually.
Littleosopher-Kings
After the Slaughter of the Micronic Plains and the culimination of the
Great War of Minuschitae, the people of Minuschitae realized that true
peace and harmony could only be aquired though truly enlightened
leaders. Although called kings, Littleosopher-Kings were not chosen
based on heredity but rather through challenge of wits. Two
contenders would be chosen to argue about increasingly complex and
esoteric subjects until one of them suceeded in saying something so
smart that it gave the other a headache.
The Littleospher-Kings led Minuschitae into a glorious golden age,
during which the arts, science and culture all reached standards
beyond anything else ever imagined in Battal. They mandated the
development of the standard system of Minuschitian Measures, paid for
gigantic (by Minuschtaen standards) public monuments, sponsored
painters, bought sculptures, commissioned symphonies, and funded
all manner of scientific research. It is suspected that they even
realized Minuschitae’s relationship to Battal.
After the arrival of Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer
and Yar the Sorcerial, the Littleosopher Kings still continued to rule,
but were no longer able to maintain perfection in Minuschitae. “The
Rise and Fall of Minuschitae” describes what happened in post-Hammer
era, but due to its narrative style, only specifically details how The
Minupalypse affected a single Minuschitaen family. Some have
speculated that the Littlesophers, using the knowledge harnessed
313
during their reign, escaped the Minupalypse undetected and went on
to become the first Chronosorcellors (in terms of causality, not time) in
an attempt to save their people. Their success or failure in this
mission has been seen/is being seen/has yet to be seen.
Longsword +U
Forged by Blacksmith Smithy Blackfinger of Skyfinger, the Longsword+π
was made when a magical enchantment was cast on a buckler at the
same time as a reflect-magic spell. The enchantment was absorbed
and reflected at a nearby longsword, giving it a completely irrational
bonus. Unfortunately, it’s nearly useless in combat, as exact damage
must be calculated before it is dealt, and hence the value of no
individual blow will ever be completely solved—and thus damage will
never be dealt.
However, if a blow would kill its target, it is possible using High
Mathemenstation Psionics to prove that the target will not survive
regardless of exact damage, killing it instantly as further calculations
are rendered moot. (In the Pen & Paper RPG, all that is needed for
this effect to take place is for the player wielding the sword to roll a
Fatally Epic Strike against his opponent; however, some game
masters contend the exact hit roll must be determined before an Epic
Strike can be rolled, thus making the sword utterly useless in combat
except when sheathed and used as a blunt weapon.)
This was clarified in errata in volume 2.2.76.1 of the
ELotH:TESP&PRPG Official Encyclical -Nathan
Master Chronosorcellor Wangon warns that using Longsword +Pi with
Paradox Negating Mittens would in fact create a paradox in a paradox,
as the infinite numbers would be negated by the mittens, which
would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the
mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens,(...) which would be negated by the mittens,
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320
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321
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
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322
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
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the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
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the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
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the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
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323
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negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
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the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
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324
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
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325
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
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the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
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the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
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326
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
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negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
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the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
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the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
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which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
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negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
327
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
328
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
329
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens, which would be
negated by the mittens, which would be negated by the mittens,
which would be negated by the mittens, which would be negated by
the mittens etc.
Are you sure this is canon? I thought when I read about the
longsword (one of Brahe’s books I believe) the number of times
“which would be negated by the mittens” appeared was different.
Can anyone check this? I tried myself but I went blind. TychoCelchuuu
There. I corrected it.Not wanting my head to explode, I added just
two (...) signs . The sword is mentioned in Book 8. - Jake
Lopae of Hopea
Lopae was servant and lieutenant to Lord Hopebane of Hopea. An
extremely attractive green-eyed, dark-haired girl who was extremely
well-endowed naturally, with the Armor of Fullchesthood Lopae was
generally considered a safety hazard—more than one workman on a
ladder fell to his death gaping at her. Lord Hopebane took full
advantage of this fact, having her seduce his political rivals (who he
would then, of course, poison). Eventually, having used her to
murder his way within a hair’s breadth of the throne, he betrayed and
poisoned her.
Though unaware of it, she was pregnant at the time of her death. It is
believed that through advanced Wind elemenstation (and, though it is
extremely disputed, Heart elemenstation) Lady Arisa was able to
implant the baby in her own womb. It is believed this is how Lopae
was able to have descendants.
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Despite being a relatively minor figure in the Tides of Epic Conflict Saga,
Lopae in her armor graces the cover of every book in which she
appears. She and her conquests are also an extremely popular target
for erotic fanfics, perhaps second only to Serafina Haberdasheron
(assuming one entirely discounts the scribblings of the Furnies). Erotic
couplings of the two are also quite popular, especially in fanart,
despite Lopae being born in 11,362, over eight thousand years before
Serafina’s first chronological appearance in Book 5 of the Elemenstor
Saga. Lopae also stars in the officially-licensed hentai manga
Submissive Conqueror Lopae.
It is of minor note that Lopae possesses the largest endowments of
any character in the ELoTH universe.
Fan Art
Lord B’gh’d (623 - 850)
Lord B’gh’d, the last of the Apostrophine Lords, was born H’rb
T’rl’k in the town of Kr’bc’cl in year 623 of The Magic Sword Kings
Period, the son of a tailor and a sorcelly barmaid, who fled town after
delivering the child and killing her mate. The child was placed in the
care of an orphanage until it was clear that he was powerful not only
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in the crafting of magicks, but also Double-speak and Mastery of
Binding Contracts. It was decided that he would be a student of
Elemenstor J’kth’sn’k, who was council for the lord of the realm of
K’th’ith’h. Unfortunately, during his training, T’rl’k witnessed the
death of his master at the hands of a Greater Chiffarobe Daemon
and forever turned away from the Elemenstor order. He was
subsequently adopted by the sympathetic but completely deranged
lord of the realm.
T’rl’k was coronated as Lord B’gh’d of K’th’ith’h when his adopted
father perished in a horrific butter churn accident.
Lord B’gh’d would go on to maintain rule of the kingdom with
bureaucratic red-tape until the Vampyric Wars, when he would redeem
his namby-pamby rule with valiant acts in battle. He perished in
battle on the ramparts of L’fh’ik, under the felblade of Lord Vhadxi
in 850, MSKP, the first of the Twelve Realms to fall into ruin.
Lord Kinlo
“Gragh,” the Warriorlock spat, “who are you to
question our authority?”
The figure, oblivious to the insults, strode further
through the impenetrable mists of the swamp.
”Answer us!” the Wutel champion roared. “Answer or
die, you lanky interloper!”
The figure straightened up. “I... am Lord Kinlo.”
”By the Lost Son,” the Warriorlock sank to his
chitinous knees, “now that’s a standard!”—Extract
from the Kinlo’s Legacy novella by Art Huwel
Lord Kinlo was an ancient, ten-foot-tall humanoid entity who
appears to herald from none of the Khith-Cohoris-Wutel member states.
At eleven feet tall* he was a mighty archer, feared by all of his
enemies. Never seen without his obsidian armour and his huge ebony
halberd, he was feared by all of his enemies, albeit for a suitably
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mysterious and unknown reason. The Khith-Cohoris-Wutel flocked
understandably to his standard, which was pretty damn cool looking.
He is also the author of several books on warfare and tactics, most
notably the three volume work “Weapons and Tactics of the Cohoris” and
the short romantic novel “Swords and Scabbards.”
Lord Kinlo is generally regarded as one of the most ambitious of all
of Battal’s leaders- He did, for example, show he’d face every
challenge by agreeing to marry Blatt in order to assure the loyalty of
the Khith. Rather cleverly, he proceeded to use his new wife to
appease the demands of Wondathil the Wutel Warriorlock (who would
later be his most prized Lieutenant), becoming the absolute,
undisputed and suitably epic ruler of the Khith-Cohoris-Wutel.
Through means not entirely explained he was pulled forward in time
(presumably by the likes of Char Reyarteb) to defeat the enemy that
prophecy had destined him to fight, the Four Underdogs, as told in the
ElamenSTAR anime.
Fan Art
http://elothtes.pbwiki.com/f/kinlo.JPG
Yet another sketch attempting to recreate one of Art Huwel’s suitably
epic Encyclopaedi Elemenstorus inks. The most well captured aspect
must be Lord Kinlo’s suitably impressive shoulderpads!
--* His actual height in the English feet is unknown. The
varied measurements of 10-11’ is based estimation of
the Khith measurement of squith where there are ~37
squith to the English foot.
Kinlo’s fame, even outside the hardcore fanbase, has led to his name
being applied to the derogatory term “Kinloboy”.
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Somewhat illogically, Kinlo features in The Wizbits Cartoon: first
appearing in Dark Wecrets alongside Wootie.
There seems to be some controversy as to how or if Kinlo could
have fought the underdogs, but it seems clear that he in fact did.
After all, it’s unlikely that it was a different Lord Kinlo.
Lord Silvermane Snarlsnout
Leader of the 39 armies of the Epic Wolf Men of Mount Wor, Lord
Silvermane Snarlsnout was an imposing slab of a man despite his
short stature and bald head. Legend says he was given the name
Silvermane after a friend noticed the astounding volume of white
back hair poking over his collar. He became Lord of the Epic Wolf
Men of Mount Wor after besting the previous Lord; Francis DewclawMcGee, in a no holds barred bear tallow wrestling match. An epic
lecher, he was known to have sired over 300 children during his 6
year reign. He met his fate during the final assault on the tree-city of
Affenlichtbaum at the age of 26, as documented in Book 11.
Queen of the Elf-Witches.
Lyriarra’naasa was marked for destiny from the moment of her birth,
on the Night of Auspicious Portents in the Year of Fate. From an early age
she demonstrated great proficiency in Elvish Witch Elemenstation,
though this was of little comfort to a child with no friends. The other
Elvlings, jealous of her abilities and derisive of her uneven legs,
ostracised and mocked her. But Lyriar’ranaasa was a strong child, and
each taunt, each cruel prank, each theft of her giant shoe only
strengthened her resolve to become the most powerful Elf Witch of
all time, and to ultimately ascend to the Throne of Queenship.
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Fan Art
Magic Puzzleboxes
A natural phenomena in Battal, the magic puzzlebox resembles an
oversized treasure chest that can only be opened either by A) figuring
out the magical puzzle contained on it, or B) by pressing a key
matching the box’s color against it. Puzzleboxes often contain useful
treasure or money (typically Quilder).
They feature heavily in The Wizbits Videogames and Elemenstorer. They
also appeared in an episode of ElamenSTAR, The War Men’s Day Off
(and thus, by association, an episode of The Wizbits Cartoon as well).
Whatsinyeeargh
A variation of the traditional puzzlebox, the Whatsinyeeargh
(properly called a Trick Puzzlebox) made its first appearance in Book
3 when it removed the right arm of the rather unpopular character
Tyrose. The Whatsinyeeargh, thought to be named for the phrase first
used to describe it, is similar to the traditional puzzlebox save for the
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fact that when a limb or extremity is placed inside the lid snaps shut,
often with amusing consequences.
Magic Sword Kings
Starting with the line of kings that began with King Ronard, Magic
Sword Kings is the general term for a ruler during the The Magic
Sword Kings Period, only requiring that they own at least one magic
sword. Indeed, the title was applied to some rulers even though they
did not bear the title of king, such as queens, overseers, grand high
lords, and (in the case of Morlond’s Field) emporors. The last
recorded magic sword king was Zonard, who caused The Sundering in
battle with Yar the Sorcerial. The Magic Sword Kings were distinguished by the fact that they all wielded a magic sword of some type
or another, which was not uncommon in that day, and were lucky
enough to be born to the previous Magic Sword King. (NB: The
kingdom did on occasion revert to familial succession when necessary. For instance, the crown fell to the royal nephew Bartholomeu
Chairglued after the reign of Ginnerfar Notallthere, who, despite his
several attempts, failed to copulate successfully with a horse).
The rather loose qualifications for being a Magic Sword King meant
that, during their reign of almost 10,000 years, a few weak and
incompetent rulers did become king. Two of the most brazen
examples of this included King Kayfabe, whose spectacular combat
prowess was later revealed to be the product of extensive choreography, and Ginnerfar Notallthere, whose battle cry of “I’m a pony!” is
immortalized in the flavor text of the card that bears his name.
The Magic Sword Kings Period came to an end in 9,437 with The Longest
Moment, when Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer was
lost during a particularly heated game of dwarfball. Although there
were people called Magic Sword Kings during the Spica Wars they
were little more than warlords, and not good ones at that. Legends
from that time mention a prophecy that says whoever finds the
hammer will usher in the Second Coming of the Magic Sword Kings, though
another reading of the prophecy says that “Lo, He who findeth the
Hammer of Ronard shall crack many skulls, yea verily.”
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--A list of recorded Magic Sword Kings
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Bartholomeu Chairglued
Botard the Great and Judicious and Such
Elf-Queen Gwyndlewhythlwend
Fonard
Frogeater Notapuppet
Ginnerfar Notallthere
High Superintendent Robins
Julipon
K’ng P’lv’r
King Blontyak
King Kayfabe
King Lightlute
King Pomcloud
King Ronard
Lord B’gh’d
Lord Greylord
Ogema Blood-On-His-Boots
Overseer Draxle
Overseer Drihzxi
Pird Iivi
Pird Robang
Ronard the Shorter
Sovereign Shadomorn
Steward Earl Sloan
The Steward Earl Stewart Earle Steward, the Earle of Steward
Vhadxi
Zonard
Other relevant links
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The Kings Council
The Twelve Realms of Antior
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Magistrate Prophet Neighsayer
A government official with the ability to see the future that may be,
which invariably involves horses, or that is what is generally assumed
by the neighing that the MPNs engage in upon viewing the future.
Malatox, The Omni Scarf
A scarf knitted from yarn forged in the burning liquid fire of The
Under-Middle World based on a pattern found in an ancient ruin and
rumored to have been devised by Adhnaten herself.
In Book 1 of The Elemenstor Cycle Horatio the Tribbit finds the scarf in a
little-used broom closet beyond The Chamber of Darkening Darkness.
Without it he could have never survived the icy flames of Mount
Windice.
By Book 2 Horatio has left it on the table at the home of Zenethir
Foulblade. And so the Omni Scarf slips again through the fingers of
mortal Men (and Tribbit) ever seeking the one who can wield its
mysterious power.
Mandleclang
Near the middle of the The Shield, and east of the Wang Mountains,
nestled within a wide valley, is the land of Mandleclang. The city of
Middleclang is its capital. The Mandleclang River runs through the valley,
past Middleclang and out into the sea.
Founded in the Olde Tymes before the coming of the first Magic
Sword Kings, Mandleclang rose to great prominence as the seat of
power of King Ronard, who ruled all of Battal as High King of The
Kings Council.
After the Vampyric Wars, the role of Mangleclang gradually decreased
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in importance, but this suited the population of farmers, merchants,
and traders quite well as they enjoyed prospering is sleepy anonymity.
Still, its historic past ensured that epic events and trials would happen
throughout these lands, if only for the reason that Middleclang lay
there. Post-sundering events in Mandleclang set the stage for the
events of The Mincing Kingdom, one of the earliest novels of The
ElemenstorLance Series.
This valley, though close to the home of the dreaded Deathrider Ninja
Clan in Graha has seen relatively peaceful times due to its geographical isolation from the other lands. Even the dreaded ninjas seem
uninterested in this valley.
It is from this land that the latter-day tales of Dogus Brankorking and
his binge drinking took place at the Pig’s Annoyance, and Ulfulaz the
Historian wrote his chronicle of The Burnten’ed Times.
Cities, Villages, and Hamlets (and
other such locations of interest) of
Mangleclang
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Middleclang, largest and most prosperious town in Mandleclang. Also home to the best pubs, and strangely often the
hub of Epic for most of Battal.
Little Vinkum, a sleepy hamlet near Middleclang
Ardelburg, producers of Middleclang Hurg cheese (shhhhh!)
Tiny Forest of Minuaten, home of the Cohoris located in northern Mandleclang
Pizzlemoore, famous for two things. Being the birthplace of
Harbinger Portent, and their annual fumblaroo tournaments,
which bring travellers from all over Battal.
Manwich St Meatily
A muscular, rugged man that travelled the countryside becoming
completely and monogomously devoted to various different women.
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Although his devotion was always amorous, sweaty, romantic and
complete, each woman he fell in love with died somehow before the
end of the ELotH:TES novel; this resulted in nine of these different
“loves” throughout the saga.
Usually seen wearing his prized treasure, The White Shirt of Muscular
Appearance.
Maskatoo
A minor character from Book 11, Maskatoo was a brash young DarkElemenstor-to-be and a follower of Char Reyarteb. All that is known
about him is that he is loyal to Char, he is of the Water element, and
that he has an unusual speech impediment that makes him skip the
letter “I” in “bitch,” which he was fond of uttering despite his
impediment.
Colonel McAllister
Cloak Rack Furniliar of Steppy in Book 4.
Middleclang
Middleclang is the capital city of the valley kingdom of Mandleclang,
situated on the Mandleclang River, which runs directly through the
center of the valley (hence its name). The river itself was named after
a great battle that was fought there long ago (though many have since
suspected it was a great fishing tournament, and not a great battle).
During the period of the Magic Sword Kings Middleclang was an
important and prominent city in the affairs of all Battal, its forges
ringing with the crafting of weapons and armor, and its streets
bustling with kings and knights embarking on epic quests.
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After the rebuilding of the city which was mostly destroyed in the
Vampyric Wars, Middleclang settled into the prosperous but uneventful rhythm that carries it forward. Although having a large population, a prosperous middle class of traders and merchants, and
commerce of all sorts, there are few adventurers, Elemenstors, or
heroes that pass through this city. Mostly mundanes going about
their lives trying to avoid events of an Epic nature whereever possible.
Middleclang, it has been noted, seems very similar in description to
that of early sixteenth century London.
The Pig’s Annoyance is here, along with its most famous of patrons,
Dogus Brankorking, the Wasted Elemenstor and braggart. A slightly less
notable patron would be Ulfulaz, a scholar, historian, and “girlish
arseholder” (see Duane).
The College of Elemenstoration was briefly sited here after the discovery
of the famed Middleclang Hurg cheese, but the College was relocated
immediately when it was discovered that the cheese was not made
locally, merely imported.
It is first mentioned in the Anti-Climax of Northeastern Crestplains of
Book 3 as reminisced by
Nepanor the Nonchalant under death-by-asphyxiation. A well loved but
not well remembered sequence of The Rubion Sword:
So under the pressure of layers of voe-filled fabric
Nepanor recalls the time in which he walked the fine,
well layed cobbled roads of Middleclang. Oh its
cheese filled with the subtlest of;;;; fine
smell, texture and other things related to
cheese. Oh how I will miss you in my passing.
It is last mentioned in Verse 4349 of Book 10:
Ich was auf schnell la overdrive Mandleclang;
At the start whence lied the grroooowl roahrrrrr.
I can’t let mine and your’s be swayed foul Venderrbang.
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(I while come back downtown to Middleclang.)
The Middlemoon
The archaic name for the Hidden Moon. It is now realized that the
Hidden Moon actually has a much lower orbit than the Bright Moons.
Mike Krahulik
Widely known as “The one in the Pac-Man shirt”, Mike Krahulik was
a crazed fan of Tycho Brahe’s. In the end, this fandom gave way to
obsession, with Mr. Krahulik attempting to force his way into Mr.
Brahe’s home. The resulting struggle (during which it is said Mr.
Brahe screamed like a little girl) was ended only when Tycho’s wife
subdued Mr. Krahulik with a lamp.
Mr. Krahulik was later sentenced to death by Mr Brahe (a sentence
yet to be carried out on the grounds that Mr Brahe does not have the
authority to order executions) for his actions. Mr. Brahe, some say,
was even less lucky; his back broken and his testicle rendered useless,
Tycho sank into a deep depression that many believe led directly to
his infamous “drinking and pill binge” stage. The incident was also
responsible for nearly bringing an untimely end to The Elemenstor
Saga, which was incomplete at the time of the attack.
It is widely believed that Mr. Krahulik is the founder of the Dark
Fourteen. Though no direct evidence can be found of this, he has
neither confirmed nor denied the accusation.
It is also rumored that Mike Krahulik is the true identity of The
Wizbits Kid.
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Million Year War
The Million Year War was the thousand year long bloodbath that
caused the creation of the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow. The best description of this war takes place in the Evolution of Eternal Sorrow graphic
novel series, but even there facts are scarce. The main players in the
war and locations are never named, however, the fighting seems to
have started due to The Horseless Nomads of the Chasm wanting free
horses from a wonderous kingdom. The result, however, was
frenzied fighting in the Chasm for a thousand years, ending when the
unnamed king asked the spirits of hatred within to give to whomever
could enter with kindness and peace the power to change the world.
Many have wondered why the Million Year War is named as it is,
seeing as it lasted only a thousand years. The only hint we have to
this comes from an episode of The Wizbits from the third season.
Entitled Where is that Pesky Chasm?, one of the books they use when
researching the location of the Chasm is The War That Lasted A Million
Years by one Seer Liebchek. Penny, putting the book down, casually
mentions that the good seer “should have payed more attention in
math class.” Most believe that this suggest that this Seer Liebchek was
only one to chronicle this war, and got the math totally wrong.
An alternative explanation for this mis-naming is that the creation of
the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow by the Darkrift, which both precedes and
follows the formation of the Chasm, caused nothing whatsoever to
happen for millenia, extending the phenomenological experience of
the war without actually expanding its duration. The happening of
nothing may have created a very large and dark rift in the fabric of
timenes itself. This theory is generally corroborted by references to the
very same episode of the Wizbits, Where is that Pesky Chasm?, which
features some overlong, unexplained shots of MooMaa’s Darkrift
Fedora, followed by shots of Seer Liebchek staring blankly, followed by
shots of the Darkrift Fedora, from which the overlaying monologues
have apparently been eliminated.
MooMaa
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MooMaa was the epic Dyemon-Ghost defeated by The Wizbits during
the course of the animated series. Having access to all the best
powers of dyemon and ghost, MooMaa was not someone to be
messed with. Knowing they could not defeat MooMaa in a physical,
head on clash, they instead managed to defeat him with a battle of
wits in the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow after using their incredible
*whirrrrrr*-making abilities to gain his attention.
Story
(This is a bit sloppy, I’ll admit. I’m going to re-read MooMaa’s back
story, and try to tidy things up later. Stay with me, though, I’ll give
MooMaa the write up he really needs~Blueant)
MooMaa has a very impressive background that easily explains how
he came to wield the powers of both dyemon and ghost. It starts long
ago, with a young farmer named Moothan Maanathis who discovered
an eggplant of an oddly intense shade of purple (indigo, really) in the
Dread Caverns of Lo’os. The shade of purple for this particular eggplant is
described as “otherworldly” in Book 3 of Tycho Brahe’s works. Young
Moothan was a would-be adventurer with great plans for the future,
but this fateful meeting would change all of that.
Forever.
Moothan, eschewing the rest of the treasures found within the
Caverns, snatched the eggplant and scurried away to the safety of his
farming-hovel on the edge of town. It was there that the true nature
of the eggplant was revealed. The ‘plant held the concentrated essence
of Brainmanglement Elemenstation—One of few such containers in all of
Battal. Whispering promises of power and corruption to the young
farmer, Moothan began the slow descent into pure madness,
eventually ending with the death of Moothan after the ingestion of
the ‘Plant. As it ravaged his soul, changing him in mind and body, the
strain proved to be too much; Moothan passed away, his entire world
pain.
But death would not be the end for Maanathis. He would not be
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blessed with eternal slumber. His memories heavily damaged by the
pure Brainmanglement, he was left with only the first parts of his
name, MooMaa, and an intense hatred for all life, particularily crops of
various sorts. The ghostly MooMaa quickly began to terrorize the
small farming community from which he came, ruining crops left and
right with his ectoplasmic blade, Howling Dark. It is thought that the
revival of MooMaa’s spirit was due to the reemergence of The Word
Itself back into timespace.
At this point in time, the village called upon the services of Low
Elemenstor Rosinquist, a shady character with limited knowledge of High
Elemenstation. He was able to banish MooMaa down to the Chasm of
Eternal Sorrow for the time being, but at great cost—Rosinquist was
forced to make an Infernal Bargain with The Nastiest of the Nastiest
Planes, so great was MooMaa’s hatred towards all life.
It was there, however, that MooMaa met the Dark Master, who, upon
seeing MooMaa’s intense but badly-focused ghostly hatred, imbued
him with the powers of the Dyemons, enabling him to begin his evil
deeds as seen in The Wizbits.
But it came, as do all Dyemon-gifts, with a curse. MooMaa’s? A
crippling weakness against high pitched “whirring” noises, which the
Wizbits were able to exploit throughout the course of the series.
It is important to realize that the kanji 夢魔 is read as “muma,” the
Japanese word for “nightmare.” Although MooMaa’s name is
always rendered as ムーマー in the titles and the scripts, it seems
clear from the clues provided in ElamenSTAR that MooMaa was
intended from the very first to someday wake from his own personal
nightmare. The implicit references to the dreaming Red King in Alice
and Wonderland make for fascinating literary inquiry on the level of
Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Cycle. When MooMaa meets his final end in
Funeral for a Fiend, we see the effects of that awakening.
Powers of MooMaa
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Master of Brainmanglement
Master Ecto-swordsman
Master Dyemon-broker
Master Gourmet
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Can Turn Into a Dyemon-Ghost Horse
Master of Sleight-of-Hand
MooMaa Trivia
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Originally smoked constantly in the Japanese cartoon, the
cigarette was edited out for the American release, but oddly
enough, the actual smoke was left in.
May actually be the Lost Son of the Wutel, even though he is
not, in fact, a Wutel.
Owns the Darkrift Fedora, possibly the most powerful hat in
all of Battal.
Widely considered the “Boba Fett” of the ELotH:TES series.
Rumoured to have been so named as a snub against Brahe’s
Moominist religious leanings. However, more likely derived
from the Japanese word for “nightmare,” 夢魔 (romanized
as “muma”).
MooMaa, of course, would go through several redesigns over the
course of The Wizbits, the most infamous being the widely-reviled
Starfish Moo Maa, which would first appear after MooMaa’s apparent
ultimate defeat at the hands of the Wizbits, when he reformed in the
Chasm of Eternal Sorrow for the eighth time, more powerful then ever
before.
As the name would suggest, Starfish Moo Maa resembled nothing
more than a giant Ghost-Starfish with a talking sword made out of
ectoplasm.
MooMaa’s Forms
MooMaa’s other forms include (In order of appearence):
(Note that this is not a complete list)
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Bladeweaver Moo Maa
Quickhand Moo Maa
Swiftstep Moo Maa
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UpDown Moo Maa (Only seen in the CCG, UnRare in the
Sorrow Knife expansion)
StrangeCharmed Moo Maa
Beastlord Moo Maa
Penultimate Moo Maa
Ultimate Moo Maa
Starfish Moo Maa
Hyper Moo Maa
Devastation Moo Maa
And, the final form seen in ElamenSTAR, Moo Maa Propagation
MooMaa’s non-canonical forms include:
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Razor God Moo Maa
Yellow King Moo Maa
Frost Blitzer Moo Maa
Crab Wraith Moo Maa (as featured in Destiny of the Strands of
Fate)
BBQ Moo Maa
Nacho Moo Maa
Ranch Moo Maa
Rumors abound that MooMaa would have gotten the star treatment
he so rightly deserved in the fourth season, and that he will be a costar in the upcoming Erotic Blade of Shanari adults-only graphic novels.
Mordichai Alamede
“What, why are you so depressed? I mean, come on.
The sun is shining, there are slightly fewer Lizardmen,
and at least there’s not been any Grey Death lately.” Mordichai Alamede
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The self-described “World’s Happiest Mortician,” Mordichai
Alamede is one of the main characters of Book 11. Born into a poor
family, he first showed signs of the Knack at the tender age of 10,
when he was still shovelling graves for his father. Having heard much
about the boy’s talent, Sierra Vanity employs him during Book 11 to
help fight the Hierarch Wars.
While sending a 10-year-old boy into combat may seem either
hilarious or terrible/hilarious, Mordichai had astonishing skill at
Stream elemenstation; he was technically a Mage, having also learned
minor Sorcery from Earth, Death, and Carry. Further, while other
Elemenstors sported intimidating battlestaves, Mordichai was secure
enough in his power as Elemenstor to wield a delicate silver bell as his
focus. Further, when not pitched in battle, he could play a merry belltune to liven up circumstances. His “amazing jingle” was perhaps the
“selling point” for Sierra Vanity, who just couldn’t say no to a good
jingle. Disturbingly, his amazing jingle was what pulled the Epic Wolf
Men of Mount Wor out of the frying pan during their battle against the
Gorthmaugs, rather than his skill at magic or his myriad other magical
items.
After the Hierarch Wars end, Mordichai retired to bury people, and
lots of them.
In The Wizbits Cartoon
A tribute character—implied to be an ancestor of Mordichai—is
Mordechai, the gallant Jewish (seriously) Apothecarist and gravedigger
friend to the Wizbits. Instead of aptitude with bells, however,
Mordechai is adept at grave-robbing and sporting mysterious
tentacles, as expounded upon in the classic hard-rock album Tentacles
of Mysterious Origin.
One of the twelve realms destroyed in the Vampyric Wars.
The Insanity
Morlond’s Field was a rarity among the twelve realms in that every
member of its population was insane. Some blamed a twist in the
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Elmether, others poor breeding habits. Either way, from farmer’s
hallucinating about Dolphinthropes in the fields to princes believing
they were in fact the reincarnation of Harbinger Portent, not a single
one had their head screwed on right.
Oddly enough, from a historical perspective nothing altogether
idiosyncratic happened in Morlond’s Field in comparison to the other
twelve realms.
At the outbreak of the Vampyric Wars, many able bodied Morlond’s
Fielders left their homes and hearths in search of battle, adventure,
and glory.
A third of those who left home ended up in their neighbour’s garden,
battling the dreaded troughberries.
Another third made their way to Vhadxi and asked him if they could
join his army of the unliving.
The last third managed to combine themselves with the other armies
of the twelve realms and provided the most dangerous infantry one
could find in such a troubled age. Provided that you could convince
them that the ground wasn’t breakfast and that clouds wouldn’t eat
them.
Due to the insanity of the populace Morlondian self rule was
impossible. Over a tenth of the peasantry believe themselves to be
King of Morlond’s Field, and most kings of the land were under the
delusion of being peasants. Somehow another tenth of the peasantry
manages to delusionally believe that they are peasants.
Morlond’s affairs with the other twelve realms are controlled by The
Eyuda who have no difficulty operating in the land due to the fact
that their cryptic remarks can mean anything, and hence fit with any
madness the populace may have. Critics of The Eyuda suggest their
presence as a possible cause of the lands madness. The other major
theory for the origin of the madness is that one of the Hierarchs
created the land based on the contents of a Drawer of Chansing.
The Aftermath
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Due to the general chaos in Morlond’s Field, this realm was actually
one of the first to recover after the end of the Vampyric Wars.
Awakening from their madness as if from a dream, the people of
Morlond’s Field said one unto another, “What were we thinking?”
Even though no centralized government arose, many peaceful and
sleepy hamlets arose on the gentle sloping grasslands of the field, and
even during the ravages and uncertainty of The Wandering Age, this
region was relatively free of strife. A series of autonomous governing
townships arose across the fields, and this system remained in place
even through the rise of the elemenstors.
Well-known Townships:
•
•
•
Brownshire Township
Greenborough Township
Redbrick Township
Interestingly, due to the history of the region madness is extremely
well tolerated, perhaps even admired.
Mort and the Day Absolutely
Nothing of Any Import Happened
A story of Mort the Dairyman referenced several times in the books,
but thankfully never transcribed.
It seems ridiculous that this story would be a favorite of almost every
character in the books, but keep in mind that in a place where worldshaking events happen three times before lunch it is absolutely
fascinating to hear the story of a dairyman out on his daily business
without incident. Comforting, really.
It should be noted that the Day Absolutely Nothing of Any Import
Happened has become a reference that would be instantly recognizable
to all of those in Truly Unsundered Battal.
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“Father, please tell me again of the time Mort The
Dairyman traveled door to door delivering milk-based
wares, and was not beset upon by trolls.” - Orphenna
Troughberry Book 2
Mort and the Earl of the Pirates
The tale of Mort the Dairyman and his meeting with the Earl of the
Pirates while on a mercy mission to the island kingdom of Kingdom Isle.
This is told in Book 2 and is the shortest of the tales of Mort that are
fully transcribed.
Because it is so short, I have excerpted the entire text below, along
with some of the surrounding text needed to set the mood.
The old man by the bar turned down the volume on
his pipe and added more tobacco.
”You haven’t seen a hornpipe before, then, have you?”
”Only once. I traveled by sloughboat a number of
years ago, and a member of the crew used one. The
sound is distinctive. What confuses me is why
someone in the deep interior would use a seafarer’s
instrument.”
”Ah, are you familiar with the story of ‘Mort and the
Earl of the Pirates’?”
”I can’t say I have heard that one before.”
”The listen and you will be enlightened.”
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The island kingdom of Kingdom Isle was suffering
from a severe shortage of Counterintuitively Heavy Cream,
which they needed desperately to fortify their
defenses. Without it, they were likely to face invasion
from any one of their neighbors. They sent for help
from the mainland, but none of the deliveries ever
made it to the island.
In despair they called upon Mort the Dairyman. After
ascertaining that their cause was just and their bills
were not past due with the Dairy Board, Mort
contracted a ship and loaded it with 3,000 pints of his
finest. As they passed the shoals of Way Out In The
Middle Of Nowhere, near the Pointy Rocks of Plot
Contrivance a ship pulled up asking for supplies. As
they pulled alongside, Mort joined the crew at the
railing and called over to ask what had happened.
”The crew is going mad from coffee deprivation. Our
entire supply of half-and-half was lifted from the hold
when we were attacked by a school of giant octopii.”
Mort frowned.
”Octopodes?”
Mort’s frown deepened.
”Fine, what then?”
”’Octopuses’, I’m afraid.”
”You’re kidding.”
”No. And given your poor grasp of proper grammar I
suppose I should also warn you that the plural of
‘toothbrush’ is not ‘teethbrush’. How did they get
aboard?”
”They didn’t. They felt their way into the hold with
their tentacles.”
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”As I suspected: you lie! As any ichthyologist can tell
you, an Octopus has a separate brain stem for each
tentacle, and as such has no way of telling where its
tentacle is without looking.”
”Argh, you have found me out. I am in actuality Bo
Ushi, Earl of the Pirates and subject to the whims of
no man. Excepting of course the King of the Pirates,
the Duke of the Pirates, and the Marquess of the
Pirates.”
”What of the Minister of the Pirates?”
”No, that is only under a parlimentary system.”
”My mistake,” smiled Mort.
”It will be your last . . . attack!”
At that moment a sound much like the side of a ship
being pierced by a large jagged rock with the ocean
rushing in behind it echoed about them. Ushi turned
to see that the side of his ship had been pierced by a
large jagged rock and the ocean was rushing in behind
it.
”How can this be,” he wailed, the waves already
lapping at his feet, “I only just revealed who I am.
There wasn’t enough time for you to drive our ship
against the Pointy Rocks of Plot Contrivance!”
Mort waved sorrowfully at the pirate and explained. “I
took the liberty of suggesting this course of action to
the captain before we started talking. If I had been
wrong I would have signaled him to stop, but it seems
my concerns were well founded. Kingdom Isle will
receive its Counterintuitively Heavy Cream. So says
Mort the Dairyman.”
”Mort the Dairyman? Had I known I would have let
the ship pass rather than take the risk,” the Earl of
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Pirates said. Or would have said had not the water
risen above his head. Instead it was more like “Blub,
blub, blub.”
”An interesting story,” said Heeroh, breaking the
silence, “but are you claiming to be that pirate?”
”Certainly not,” the old man chuckled.
”A descendant perhaps?”
”Unlikely.”
”Then I fail to see what the purpose of your story is.”
”The purpose,” the elderly gentleman mused, puffing
once more at the hornpipe, producing a tunefull burst
of smoke, “Ah yes, the purpose was to create a
distraction while my partner crept up behind you with
a sword. And now you shall hand over the contents of
that purse you carry.”
There was a tense moment that was finally interrupted
by a terrible rush of heat and a brief rain of small, very
foul smelling, ash. Suddenly everyone else in the
tavern had the strong urge to pretend they had never
even heard of the old man.
”Can’t keep out of trouble for even a few minutes by
yourself, can you?”
”Oryand. Let’s go find our room, shall we? And bring
along the gentleman with the hornpipe. He may have
some information we need, and I think he is going to
consider the fate of his partner and find it in his heart
to be very helpful.”
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Mort and the Unusually Big
Cow
Story of Mort the Dairyman and his attempt to deal with an unusually
big cow that terrorizes a small town.
The story begins when Mort learns that his seven regular-sized cows
have been replaced by one very large cow of equal milk producing
capacity. This greatly improves productivity, but ultimately proves to
be a bad move; upon returning home from his delivery rounds, Mort
finds the large cow has been killed by a wandering Troll. He now has
until sunrise of the next day to retrieve his original seven cows, which
have been entombed in crystal and hidden in dungeons across Battal,
or else he will lose his illustrious milk-route to another dairyman.
In the end, it is learned that the large cow long thought dead is
actually the Unusually Big Cow (who faked his own death), a
villainous figure intent on destruction. Mort must use his wits and the
skills he has acquired rescuing the seven regular-sized cows to defeat
the Unusually Big Cow before it destroys a small town.
It is, some say, a thrilling read.
“Ah, as I suspected . . my old enemy the Unusually Big
Cow!”
”Moo.” - Book 1
Mort and the Yogurt of Doom
This tale takes place immediately after Mort the Dairyman returns from
the adventure of Mort and the Unusually Big Cow.
The first part details the process by which Mort produced his famous
Dellberry Yogurt. This tasty treat was so popular that rumor claimed
Mort had to make several trips through time to deliver it to various
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auspicious brunches given by nobles who could afford the shipping.
On this occasion, however, Mort’s supply of Lactobacillus was
replaced with a rather virulent form of Lackobacillus, which is almost
indistinguishable thanks to the law of similar sounding names.
As the story unfolds we find that a “villainous villain” (I’m afraid I
must use Tycho’s unfortunate turn of phrase here) had done this
knowing that Zonard was about to hold a particularly nice earlymorning party, and had sent for some dellberry yogurt. Mort
delivered the yogurt, but just as the guests sat down to a delicious
meal he returned to the castle in full flight riding his dairy cart into
the very hall of the king exclaiming “Hold, your majesty, foul plans
are afoot!”
It seems that while returning from his delivery, Mort noticed that the
dellberry yogurt was a full three shades more mauve than it should
have been. Thinking quickly he turned around to warn the king.
Zontar himself was saved, an act that would later delay The Sundering
24 hours leading to the Day Absolutely Nothing of Any Import Happened,
and also saved all but one of the brunch guests.
The one guest who died had snuck a taste of the yogurt while
everyone else was finding their seats, and it was generally agreed that
his rudeness was well-paid.
“Little did Mort know that, while he was on his quest,
a villainous villain, villainously plotting villainy with
the villainage, had villainiacally switched the lactobacillus, a rod-shaped bacteria used in the production of
yogurt by processing lactose from glucose and creating
an acidic environment that prevents the formation of
more harmful bacteria, with lackobacillus, which kills
all who eat it and is not actually used in any dairy
industry.” - Book 3
Mosaic Platter of Ronard
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“One place setting per man, to bring them to the table.
One ladle, or pair of tongs, to command them. And
One Platter to unleash the wrath of the Ages upon
them.”
-The Dark Master
It is said that the Mosaic Platter of Ronard is not of Battal. The
Platter appears to be made of colorful glass blocks, arranged in such a
way as to resemble the First Magic Sword King, Ronard, and adorned in
a brilliant shiny silver metal. (with little flecks of gold in it, and
perhaps even a hint of dazzling mitherilium ore)
The glass itself is brighter, shinier, more boldly colored and more
translucent than any glass known to all of Battal. And the shiny silver
metal is “even more reflective than the most reflective mirrored
surfaces in all the land.” (*1)
The other-worldly craftsmanship were enough on it’s own to
convince any who saw the platter to believe that it was not created by
any mere mortal. However it was the amazing Feats that The Platter
performed that would cause scholars throughout the ages to proclaim
it as a Remarkable Artifact of the world. For instance, The Platter
could carry the weight of 36 men! It’s also been told that when
washed with warm, soapy water, The Platter would dry itself with no
assistance from man, and there would remain no soapy residue!
How King Ronard came to possess The Platter is a mystery for the
ages. Some believe it was passed to him by a higher power, to be used
for the salvation of man and to prevent future Sunderings (or to repair
any Sunderings that should happen). Other scholars suggest that
perhaps it was the Dark One himself that forged The Platter in the
King’s image, with the intent of tricking him into causing more
Sunderings to happen. No one knows for certain. All that is known is
that the Ronard died before ever having the chance to use the Platter,
and it was rumored to have been stolen from his bedroom on the eve
of his death by a mischievous Pixlie.
Talk of the wondrous platter became legend over the course of many
years. Legend eventually turned to myth, after several generations.
Myth ultimately gave way to utter speculation by the time the Tribbit
Horatio was born. However it was this simple Tribbit that would
bring The Platter back from the icy fires of Mount Windice and
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“unleash” it upon Battal! (*2)
*1 - (Ref. Aardnarsh’s Compendium (IV Vol.), pg. 617.)
*2 - (Ref. Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Cycle Book 1: The Fires of Mount
Windice
Mount Windice
As documented in Aardnarsh’s Compendium (XI Edition), the Nartuush
Tribe of the Arcane Northern Realms live in the shadow of Mount
Windice. In their legends, after the birth of the world, it was
formless and without shape. In their mythology, the world then
underwent a series of what they referred to as Breakens. After each
Breaken an element of what they called The Fully Formed was
thrust into existance, forever changing the shape of the land. It was
during the Fourth Breaken, or so their story goes, that the world
spewed forth the towering peak of Mount Windice in a violent,
screaming maternal gush.
This gargantuan summit is a monolith of stone and ice. It is said that
in the core of this mountain courses the burning liquid fire of The
Under-Middle World. (The same fire, according to Rickett’s and Toby’s
Guide, Volume 19, that was instrumental in the forging of Malatox,
the Omni Scarf.) Many an unwary traveler to Mount Windice has
found himself consumed by the fiery burning of its icy cold. (Many
Nartuush died to bring us this information.)
Tycho Brahe’s Book 1: The Fires of Mount Windice details the
journey of the young Tribbit, Horatio (son of Julio, son of Hermes, as
you’ll recall) as he embarks on a quest that will lead him straight to
the towering inferno of frozen despair that is Mount Windice!
Notes
The information in Aardnarsh’s XI includes the accurate portrayal of
the Nartuush’s beliefs about the birthing of Mount Windice. Do not
confuse this with the information in Lazlo’s Geographical Tome which
was commonly considered authoritative for many years. Lazlo’s
suggests that the myths of the Nartuush state that Mount Windice
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was spawned during the 3rd Breakening, but this was later proven to
be impossible. This is because we know that Eloth’ora Maxene was born
BEFORE Mount Windice was spewn from the world, and she was
clearly born at the beginning of the Third Breaken Period (ref. R&T’s
Guide, Vol. 12) the information in Lazlo’s cannot be true.
Mount Wor
Mount Wor is the mountain that was formed during the The
Unsundering. The mountain has its own flora and fauna, for example
The Nuerbarg Ants
Much later, different races, most notably the Epic Wolf Men of Mount
Wor and the Quilp, begin to build civilizations around the newly
created mountain.
Cloistered within a haven at the base of the mount is the embedded
fortress of The Gizmonic Arcanum.
Later, a cliff of Mount Wor plays an important role in the Betrayal Of
Princess Crystalcrown.
Pushed against Mount Wor is The Smoos of The Sickle, specifically
Mount Garmore son Pellistamon home of the child warrior tribe of the
Smoo.
Mount Wor remains on The Shield during The Resundering. A small cult
of stark raving mad prophets known as Wortrops set up a village on its
summit and watch for signs of The True Unsundering.
See also Mont Elim.
Mountain Dew Epic Black
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A special tie-in drink made just before Book 13 came out. Black was
chosen as the first flavor because of the number of characters in The
Elemenstor Cycle who wear black. When asked what “black” would
taste like, the first non-potentially-illegal-and/or-fight-causing
suggestion that came up was “burnt toast scrapings.” Thus, the final
flavoring for Mountain Dew Epic Black was the taste of Mountain
Dew Code Red with added black coloration. It was moderately
successful. The sugar content is ridiculous. One of three brands
sanctioned for three-bottle battles.
Mucksuckers
Mucksucking is the primary occupation of choice for Tribbits of
The Dank. It involves scraping bits of gelatinous matter from the
scaled and peeling back of Dooblegnards. Not only are the working
hours flexible, but on ocassion the Mucksucker enjoys a tasty gem of
congealed sweat amongst the crusty barnacles he scrapes off, which
makes for quite the treat!
Horatio of Luskfish’s only ambition was to join his kin as a Mucksucker before his corruption by the Pixlie Bibee in Book 1 of Tycho
Brahe’s Elemenstor Saga.
The Mud King
Known as Gchuuuuuuurt is the clicking, popping, slickly language
of the Mud Men. The Mud King rose to power, wearing the Mud Ring,
riding on the back of a Mud Cow, and bearing Mudstick, a “magic
sword” that was the sign of his office.
The Mud King was loved by his people, whom he lead out of Portund
and south to fields of mud unrivaled by anything seen by even the
eldest of the Mud Men. His people prospered and became bold. He
lead his people in a series of campaigns known as the Particularly Dirty
Raids.
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As told in the ElemenstorLance novel, Mudlake, the Forester, the Mud
King was known to be a closed minded harsh critic within his society,
with little tolerance for change or anything that may be considered
avant-garde. He entirely destroyed a village of his own people who
were poets and abstract artists, working with colorful mud mediums,
by breaking a dam that was up the valley from this colony.
Within the fan community, those who reject pieces of official canon
because they are “too out there” or they just “don’t get it” are usually
referred to by those “in the know” as Mud Kings. Many of the
articles in this very wiki about The Elemenstor Cycle were written by
Mud Kings, and suggest that certain books were nonsense or not well
received by the fan base.
Mycho Eharb
Born 23,333 into a middle-class family of Terle.
Even as a boy, Mycho is described as having fits of alternating
extreme rage, and flashes of brilliant insight. His gift for word craft
enabled him to secure a position as scribe to Lady Gimba and
apprenticed himself as a Carry Elemenstor. Ultimately his slumps of
depression and self loathing distanced him from his peers and he
took to spending long hours high alone in the dustbin closet that he
called his own. The time was not misspent however.
Eharb penned the Somewhat Epic Trilogy: Hot Times on Little Earth, a
trilogy of Epic popularity in Battal. But the series brought him fame.
More fame than his stunted social skills could afford him. People
assumed that his quickness with a pen and sharp multilayered
observations would make him an equally witty conversationalist. This
got him invited to the most swank of parties, even an invite to
Arkazanthal’s annual lavish Welcome Day Ball in ‘66. Unfortunately
the social pressures proved to be more than he could handle, and so
began the infamous Dragonapple Wine Bender.
It seems obvious to me that Mycho Eharb is a symbol for Tycho Brahe
himself and the character gives us particular insight into the personal361
ity of Mr. Brahe. Alas, I seem to have somehow misplaced my copy
of Book 6 wherein Mycho gets more facetime than anywhere else in
the cycle. I would appreciate it if someone less careless than myself
could flesh out his character page a bit, as he always was one of my
favorites. -256
How the heck did you come to that crazy conclusion? Are you
bonkers? Off your rocker? Nutty to the max? -TychoCelchuuu
Myrkmoom
It is unclear whether Myrkmoom is part of Battal or not. Some say it
exists inside a dimensional bubble between the planes of Elmether.
Others claim Myrkmoom is in fact one of the Nastier Planes. Inhabited mostly by Dyemons, Elemonstrosities and the nefarious Myrkmoomin,
the place certainly is nasty.
The Dark Elemenstrix Kapybara called Myrkmoom her dominion,
although the extent of her power over its inhabitants was questionable.
ELotH:TES Canon
Myrkmoom is visited only two times in The Elemenstor Cycle. In
chapter three of Book 10, Kapybara hosts an obscene poetry reading
night for Dark Elemenstors at Myrkmoom Mansion. In Book 11, the
Elemenstor Zuumont ventures into Myrkmoom to find out if the
rumors about abominable Bathtub Furniliars were true, and barely
escapes with his life.
In The Wizbits Cartoon, however, Myrkmoom is visited several times,
some of these visits featuring a belligerent teenage Kapybara. The
cartoon’s somewhat non-canonical way of presenting the Myrkmoomin
has angered many Tycho Brahe fanatics; however, because The Wizbits
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Cartoon is non-canonical their anger is misplaced at best. The
Myrkmoomin are scarcely depicted at all in the canonical Japanese
ElamenSTAR—but when they are depicted, it is with their nefarious
nature fully intact.
The NightLairds
The 23 NightLairds ruled the dreaded Lands of Va with an iron fist.
They were completely impervious to all forms of damage, except for
their one weakness: Boiling mercury.
Nine feet tall and always wearing heavy and badly battered dark grey
plate armor, no part of the skin of the NightLairds was exposed. The
helmet of their armor protruded forward in almost a duck like way,
and it is unknown if this is in order to compensate for an usual
physiology or a stylistic flair to the already rather eccentrically
constructed armor. What a NightLaird may look like under the armor
was the subject of a fair amount of fan debate, some fans even
putting forth that perhaps they were just animated armor all along.
The NightLairds were dreaded for their cruel mastery of language,
which fuelled their habit of flaying alive any traveller who uses
adjectives. The child protagonists of Book 7 managed to talk their way
into the NightLairds’ sanctuary, the Halls of Va, using only the third
person subjunctive tense and prepositions, then spent nearly sixty
pages of Book 7 as prisoners of the NightLairds, conversing entirely
in verbs for fear of their captors overhearing.
The NightLairds were finally destroyed when the children tricked all
23 of the NightLairds into stepping backwards into a vat of boiling
mercury which the NightLairds had carelessly left uncovered,
allowing them to claim the iron fist and continue their journey through
the perilous Lands of Va.
The NightLairds
# Mjaestrom the Red Cloaked
# Ninnygimber Pie Flaken
# Shilo the Lawspeaker
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Anybody remember the names of others? I know there
were 23 of them.
Nightstand
There are three rules you are taught the day you enter the Institute Of
Accoutermentia.
# Always keep your rubian safe.
# Don’t ever doubt the power of Dark Elemenstation.
# Never bring a nightstand to life.
Generally regarded as one of the most difficult manifestations of
rubian crystals, the animation of a nightstand is a taboo that dates
back to the very first days of High Elemenstation. Some believe that the
difficulty in creating a nightstand is because the beings are inherently
slightly infurnal and thus require a minimal knowledge of Blood
elemenstation.
High Elemenstation is partialy based on the concept of the ineffable
Allsoul that lives within all items. Even before an item is transchanted
to life, it is somewhat aware of its surroundings. For reasons as yet
unknown, the nightstand becomes very bitter about its station over
the course of its Non-Life. It is theorized that it grows bitter, being
pushed to the side of the bed, little more than a shelf for night-time
reading or false teeth.
Nightstands, when animated, become remorseless killing machines.
They prefer to enter the home while the victim sleeps, then perch by
the end of the bed and watch the victim sleep, possibly for hours,
before silently murdering them and slipping away into the night. It is
rumored that a Nightstand was responsible for some of the most
brutal massacres of the age of The Savage Brutality Of The War Men.
There it stood, outlined against the sterling silver
moon. It was the Nightstand. Felthar struck with his
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Elemanifestation of Penetrating Tentacles, but the
savage stool managed to break free, being stronger
than he could imagine. “Cubby!”, cried Felthar,
“Cubby, where are you?”. It was the moment of dread,
Felthar later would say. He could hear the fulminations
shouted at him by a savage beasts.
And then, the first false jaw sprang at him from the
darkness. ~Book 6, chapter 5
One of the best documented cases of Nightstand related chaos is
chronicled in Book 6: Nightstand’s Peril. This abomination of magic
was brought about by Gorg Stinkrot.
It is believed that the Elemenstor who transchants a Nightstand has
nothing to lose, or is a total nutfob idiot. Probably both - see Gorg
Stinkrot.
Niozeyon
The Lair of the evil Char Reyarteb in ElamenSTAR Season 5. After he
is destroyed in this place in the final battle between the Four Underdogs
and he does not appear corporeally in canon sources again until Book
11 of the Elemenstor Cycle. (or possibly Book 10, although there is
some debate there)
Niozeyon is a hastily constructed magical fortress constructed by
Earth Elemenstation of Char Reyarteb himself, and after the fiend was
defeated, the fortress itself collapsed, although an evil stain was left
on the land for centuries to come.
The Fortress exists among the foothills southwest of Mount Volcanus,
south the the Dim Elf Lands.
Noddy Chillbreezey
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High Elemenstor Noddy Chillbreezey is known to history for subduing
the Dolphinthropes force along with evil cohorts the Chthonic Swinemen
and the Homo Canii. He was able to do so by utilizing forbidden
powers of the farthest reaches of Elmether, which eventually resulted
in his insanity. Eventually he committed what was universally called
an extremely distasteful suicide.
Non-Life
The so-called Non-Life of matter—usually furniture of some sort—
is the interval of time in which a piece of furniture maintains its
existance. During a piece of furniture’s Non-Life, it has limited
knowledge of its surroundings and the going-ons of the outside
world. However, it is unable to move, think, or feel—until, of course,
an Elemenstor gives it the abilities to do so. Once furniture is
brought to life by an Elemenstor, it enters the inanimate equivalent
of Life known as Stream, and follows more or less the same rules as
other beings in Life.
An example of this is the Nightstand—when in its Non-Life, the
Nightstand withholds feelings of overcoming anger, and when it is
released from its physical restraint (its Non-Life) by an Elemenstor, it
simulteaneously releases its anger and anguish at others, going on a
mass murder spree.
It should be noted that although most objects take heed of the
natural rules of both the Non-Life and Life, one object has actually
broken free of this restraint. Without the aid of an Elemenstor, the
Mute Blade of Non-Life was able to come out of its Non-Life to Life
(rather than Stream), most likely because of its supreme resentment—the only exception to this rule. The Mute Blade of Non-Life
was also once the indirect manisfestation of all Non-Life.
The current manifestation of Non-Life (albeit an indirect one) is
Aklom Reklats, who is also part of all that remains of the Starborn Gem.
Northern Vale
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Northern Primordial Battal, formed from the Vale of Farth after the
Darkstorm.
The region was not actually a valley of any sort, rather it was mainly a
region of large dark forests, but the name came from historical
references surviving orally from a time before time.
Nutfob
Originally, a nutfob was an invention crafted by Orrikald the Inventor,
famous for his terrible ideas into which he poured considerable time
and resources. The invention was a small silver chain with a screw at
the end, which the user would then bore into a walnut or other
similar small hard nut. The owner of said nutfob would then put the
nut in a vest pocket, wearing the chain hanging from the front of the
pocket.
The nutfob briefly caught on among those keeping current with
mens fashions, but it wasn’t long before someone pointed out that
those who wore nutfobs tended to be idiots. The label stuck, and
soon the nutfob was just another four digit wind bug fad.
The usage of nutfob to describe really stupid people, however, has
remained popular. Gorg Stinkrot was famously referred to as a nutfob
idiot by Felthar the Moderately Handsome.
Oblivion
The only port of call along the walled Long Road that runs between
DragonBone, the capitol city-castle of The Kingdom of Parsonya and
BashRock, the principle port city of the kingdom.
Billed as a gift shop, inn, and trinket shop, Oblivion consists of a small
bar, three rooms suitable for lodging, a common lounge, and a vast,
enchanted warehouse space filled with stacks and stacks of useless or
unknowably obscure items and trinkets.
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The warehouse space, by far the main attraction of the facility, is
enchanted in a way so as to be unmappable, and it equally defies all
organized searching or sorting methods. Specifically designed to
promote extended browsing excursions, the stacks of items have
become the permanent home of a band of scavengers too befuddled,
or just too lazy, to find their way out. They subsist mainly on fungi
cultivated in the darker corners of the warehouse, and the copious
amounts of food carelessley discarded by those browsing the
warehouse.
Another curious side effect of the trinket room of Oblivion is that
items, when dropped, tend to not fall to the ground exactly where
you are standing. Sometimes a few minutes or hours of searching will
turn the item up close to where you dropped it, other times stories
have been told of the item not turning up again for generations.
Such was the fate of The Rubion Sword, lost by Zonard in Oblivion. It
also happens quite often to the whip you were going to use to drive
your donkeys on your carriage. You could have sworn you put it
down over there. Did you leave it in your pocket? No, you already
checked. Dangit, you have to leave soon. You’re going to have to
borrow your wive’s extra whip if you can’t find yours. Also, did you
get any milk? Man. I think you bought a quart last week. You don’t
want to not have milk. But then again, you don’t want to have too
much.
Last time I was in Oblivion I stocked up on plenty of
Gummy Unsunderings for the journey ahead. - Unknown
Traveller
Ohcyt Panamarans
A line of Chronosorcellors. The most famous Ohcyt Panamarans was
Master Chronosorcellor Yar the Sorcerial.
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Old House of Eyekia Lane
That sinister building, of imposingly gothic architecture, was once the
property of the Dark Master, Char Reyarteb, which he has won in the
game of water polo. He did not pay attention to this property, leasing
it to a family of Dwarves, which allowed him to finance his harem of sex
slaves. As the time passed, Reyarteb forgot about this insignificant (yet
still sinister) building.
Until he was slain.
Part of his essence was confined to the house itself, filling it with
Dark Elemenstation. Since he didn’t even remember that he owned the
house (Dwarves stopped paying rent more or less in the time they
died), he was obviously very confused.
However when the wet cloak contest reminded him of his own
sexxxay adventures, he awoke, hungering for vengeance.
Note: this is based entirely on Book 10. As I don’t speak Shryiwook,
there are bound to be some inconsistencies - Jake.
Old Karpithon
A low mountain in the range of the Howling Mountains in the north
eastern portion of The Shield.
One of the many mountains of Battal under which an ancient evil
sleeps. (As the saying goes, “Mountains are excellent blankets for
sleepy overlords.”)
Below this mountain was the evil Xoxor Xxar.
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Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid
A relic of ancient Lavatoranian origin. Its great aesthetic value is
exceeded only by its puissant ability to clean the scum and taint of
evil from even the soiledest of crockery and table-wares, which made
it an invaluable tool in exorcism. It is the major plot device of the
novel, War of the Taints
At the time of Book 6, where Gorg Stinkrot met his end via the
powerful purifier, the secret of crafting more Ornamental Dishwashing Liquid had been lost. A decade or so after, however, the art was
rediscovered (although still costly and time consuming), and the
liquid gained use throughout the rest of the saga, making an impressive show in one of the seventeen final battles of Book 12.
Orphenna Troughberry
Daughter of refugee Heeroh Troughberry, slayer of Zenethir Foulblade, 11
year old girl.
Appears in Book 2, traveling with her father and two Fire Elemenstors.
Through a flashback to when Orphenna was 9, Book 2 tells of a time
when other kids in the refugee camp were calling her Orphenna
Troughteeth (see Troughberry) and she ran to her father crying.
“Hush my little one,” her father said in a soothing
tone. “We’re all refugees here in a war torn land, and
within a blarn’s age either they’ll be dead or you will.
Either way, it won’t have mattered what names they
called you.”
He patted her on the head and dried her tears, and
sent her out of the tent to go back and play with the
others.—Chapter 19, “A Way With Words” Book 2
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Notes
There are rumors that Orphenna Troughberry may in fact be the
same character as Bendloyer Felkin. Support for this is offered in the
Fan Fiction work named The Felkin Game.
Oryand and Greg
Twin Fire Elemenstors. The two appear in Book 2 as well as the short
story A Night at The Rusty Spear.
In Book 2, Oryand and Greg meet The Troughberrys in the
FaeriWraithe Lands, where they are playing a particularly brutal game
of Fiery Agash against one another, wearing nothing but gasoline
soaked rags. Their is a perfect example of their slightly off putting
idea of a good time. Seeing that the two refugees appear to be lost,
and additionally embarking on an epic quest, the basically good
hearted twins volunteer to help the pair find their way back to proper
Battal.
“Flame on a second... Heeroh Troughberry?? Oh
MAN.. Truly epic! Heeroh Troughberry! Wow! You’re
my favorite Gladiatingor!”
The four manage to find their way back to Battal, and make their way
to the fortress cabin of Zenethir. Just inside the door there is an
illusionary pub filled with very attractive wenches. Unable to see
through the illusion, the two do not play a major role in the defeat of
the vile fiend. Orphanna, of course, is completely unaffected by the
illusion, and Heeroh is unable to see because before entering the
cabin he had drawn his Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness,
and was therefore magically blinded.
Notes
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•
•
•
There are several documented cases of Oryand and Greg’s
overreaction to what they view as a slight against themselves
or their friends, often with fatal results to the one who
would tangle with them.
Despite the bravado of the twins, in a revealing conversation that Orphenna Troughberry has with them when they believe they are all about to die, they reveal that they hide a
deep rooted self doubt they both harbor as to their individual worth.
Always referred to as Oryand and Greg and would certainly never answer to Gregory and Oryand.
P’km’n the Hungry
A Wang of great reknown, who braved The Labyrinth of Bowie to
retrieve the fabled Pow-wah Plz. P’km’n channeled the spirit of the
great Wang god, Pahkmaan, calling upon his strength with the
incantaion “Wakka Wakka Wakka”.
P’km’n later resurfaced in Book 12, brandishing The Cardboard Tube of
Unusual Sharpness and Popularity for the forces of good, the tale of how
he came to possess the blade is not yet known.
P’km’n the Hungry proved his might one day by slaying a claw shrimp
from a small colony that reached Small Puddle. Whilst resting in a port
town, he ordered some of the town’s shrimp, only to find that he had
not enough money to purchase what he wanted. Borrowing a spear,
he lept into the sea and emerged three minutes later with a slain claw
shrimp, himself unharmed. He crispy-fried the beast and ate it on the
spot; hense his title, The Hungry.
Parable of the Swimming Rabbit
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Written in a separate chapter in The Fires of Mount Windice is the
following parable:
High Augur Theoric the Eversnide and Low Elemenstor
Rosinquist sat below the sweeping branches of the
smirkwood tree on the banks of the Sw’ftfl’w River, sharing
a wineskin of dragonapple wine.
”A most delightful day, wouldn’t you agree?” the Low
Elemenstor inquired thoughtfuly.
”Indeed, that it is.” the High Augur replied.
His gaze gliding over the lethargic flow of the
Sw’ftfl’w River, Theoric squinted slyly.
”Say, can I interest you in a wager?” he asked his
companion with the disarming smile of a shark.
Rivulets of sweat streamed vigorously down the back
of Low Elemenstor Rosinquist’s neck; Theoric was the
High Augur, and posessed the forever-sight. He could
foretell the past and guess at the future; any wager
against him was risky business.
”I would not mind,” the Low Elemenstor said
carefully, “but the wager must be fair. You’ll have to
put your staff down.”
”Agreed. Now, turn around and do not peek, that I
may hide the staff properly.”
With Rosinquist’s back turned, the High Augur leaned
his staff against the sardonic trunk of the tree, and
hung a plaque with the words “This Is Not the Staff of
the High Augur” upon it on that staff.
”Now, here is the wager: if you look into the lumbering waters, you will see a rabbit fighting the current.
He has been attempting to swim across the river for
the past fifteen macroseconds, unable to stay on course. I
will bet you a Filleroon that he will be on this bank in
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less than two macroseconds more.”
Low Elemenstor Rosinquist considered the tiring
rabbit in the waters. He appeared to be on the verge of
exhaustion.
”He certainly looks tired. I do not think he will survive
for even more that one and a half macroseconds. I’ll
take the bet.”
Both held out a Filleroon, as per the Rules of Noble
Wagering, and watched the rabbit eagerly. As the waters
swept him past a group of rocks, the rabbit managed
to clamber from the water onto the slippery surface. A
few well-timed bounds put him on the river bank
proper, where he shook the excess water from his fur
and bounced off in the direction of the meadow.
”That was not fair,” the Low Elemenstor whined as
Theoric snatched the Filleroon from his hands. “He
did not fight the current at all; he simply grabbed on to
the rocks and climbed out onto land! Had he not done
that, he’d be at the bottom of the river by now!”
”He would be.” Theoric’s smile grew broader. “You
ought to learn from the rabbit, Rosinquist. You strive
so hard to achieve the secrets of the High Elemenstors
through hard work, and yet remain a Low Elemenstor.
The rabbit was smart enough to take the easy way out.
Hint hint.”
The High Augur retrieved his staff and began to speak
the rectangular words of timesorc’ley. In the blink of an
eye, he was gone. Rosinquist sat down by the tree and
began to scratch at the bark, a frown on his face.
Several things make this parable puzzling. First of all, the Filleroon
(presumably a unit of currency) makes no appearance anywhere else
in The Elemenstor Cycle. Second, Mr. Brahe clearly speaks in favor of
the path of least resistance, with the High Augur advising Low
Elemenstor Rosenquist to cease his struggle with the secrets of
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Elemenstation and take the easy way out, when so many other tales
set in the world of Battal involve heroes overcoming great odds to
achieve their goal. Third, and most puzzling of all, is the fact that
there is no evidence that Rosinquist ever sought to become a High
Elemenstor; he seems to be content to use his limited powers to grift
people out of their money.
It is possible that Mr. Brahe used these characters to relate a moral
lesson, in the same way one may tell a tale of Alexander the Great
having a debate with Abraham Lincoln, despite the fact that the two
could never have spoken. What that moral lesson is, however,
remains to be seen.
Pastafarianism and The
Elemenstor Cycle
More on the pastafarianism can be found here
Just as C.S. Lewis’s “Narnia” series was inspired by Lewis’ personal
religious leanings, and as Tolkien incorporated Catholicism into The
Silmarillion, and not forgetting the nature of Jungian philosophy in
Herbert’s Dune series, so too was Brahe inspired by his personal
spiritual background. Tycho Brahe is well known among Pastafarians
as a Deacon of the Moominist Church of His Spaghettiness. Despite
how Brahe was constrained by the setting created by Realmworlds
Publishing, much of the Elemenstor Cycle is actually an allegory for
devout Moominist teachings.
First and foremost, there is his works on the Sundering. In the
Sundering, he frequently refers to the Sickle and the Cataclysmic
Bluont as the “false” parts of the world, and only the Shield as the
true part. If one studies the proportions of Rubian distributed among
the worlds, one will see that 2/9ths of the Rubian occurs in the
Shield, this showing the Shield as his vision of his lord Monster, and
the other two worlds as the false, disputed parts of God.
Also, there is his chronicling of the Unsundering and Resundering.
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Despite the dire nature of the process, Brahe’s writing almost seems
elated when the Resundering occurs - understanding his religious
background, it makes sense that he wants to keep his God divided.
Also, the way he tells how Blood Pirates of Meydrag’haa prevent the
overheating of the Shield after the abuse of stresses of The Resundering
obviously shows his belief in the FSMist dogma of piracy and
planetary warming.
In addition, the Spaghetti Plane is almost certainly a nod to Brahe’s
Pastafarian beliefs.
Perilous Circumstances
Amongst the old biddies of Battal, those who are uncomfortable at
the thought of (say) MooMaa blighting their crops and salting the
earth with the dried tears of the children he’s orphaned, refer to any
and all wars, massacres, brutalities, acts of blasphemous magic and so
on as “perilous circumstances.” For instance, in this passage from
near the end of Book 12:
The old women looked out on the ashen fields where
Reyarteb fell once more. Brethlendentra shook her head
and uttered, “Such perilous circumstances we’ve been
in. At least they’re done with.”
”Or are they?” Grundblatkthab interjected. “For what
has fallen may rise again.”
Brethlendentra connected her cane, a rusted old
soldier’s mace, to Grundblatkhab’s head, breaking it
apart like an egg filled with cottage cheese and blood.
”That’ll shut you up,” Brethlendentra said.
”Perilous circumstances” later became a slang term for sex amongst
the fans of ELOTH:TES. Perilous Circumstances is also the name of the
female lead from The Resundering and Beyond, one of the book cycles of
ElemenstorLance.
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Persephalous Extarba
Born in Ezermethalon a lowly peasant, he quickly rose to the rank of
Lieutenant in the Chair Brigade during the daring capture of Serafina
Haberdasheron. Though he did play a large part in Serafina’s capture, he
never sought glory again. Instead, he devoted his life to being a lowly
servant to Stoutback
An entire book, The Scolding of Persephalous, was devoted to his
exploits, but is considered one of the most boring tomes in all of the
sagas. Though his eventual shame at the hands of Baltor the Upright is
considered a high-water mark of his storyline. Baltor, after slaying the
erstwhile Furniliar Barven Valori, found within Valori’s drawers a love
note written by Persephalous. This shamed him so much that he hid
himself from the world for 20 years.
In the end, he emerged from his self-imposed exile, just as the
Hierarch Wars were beginning. In the first few moments of the
Hierarch Wars, Persephalous lost his life. As he lay clutching at his
panicked heart, he could only think of Stoutback.
It was the wet cloak contest, not a battle, that ended his life.
With a frame of giant oaken beams, walls filled in with waddle and
plaster, with a fine coat of whitewash, the Pig’s Featherbag strikes a
dominant silleutte over the tiny thatched huts of Little Vinkum.
With 20 sleeping rooms on the second story and several rooms for
large private parties in the basement, the tavern is well equipped to
handle a tremendous amount of business. The tavern is only full to
capacity twice yearly, on the occasions of Welcome Day and the Harvest
Day of Mourning, which keep the establishment afloat fiscally through
the rest of the year. Outside of these days, the tavern draws a sleepy
crowd of regulars and only the odd traveller unfortunate enough to
have business that leads him through Little Vinkum.
It is said that the DoomSeeker soup served here is of unrivaled quality.
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Pixlies
Pixlies are tiny faerie-like creatures of which little is known. Each
apparently has a unique personality, and most are lively, energetic,
good-natured, mischevious and extremely annoying. Most glow with
a mysterious natural light, emanating the light brighter when they are
excited (this is usually a good indication of how irritating the pixlie is
being at any given time). In Book 1 of the Elemenstors Saga, the
primary character Horatio has the (mis)fortune of meeting Bibee, an
orange pixlie with a strangely inverted personality, presumably as a
result of being somehow trapped in the gluey muck beneath the
rump of the Dooblegnard Duke Alfamarma. Rather than irritate others,
Bibee has become extremely irate, enough so to plot the cunning theft
of the Mosaic Platter of Ronard. No explanation is given as to how Bibee
became trapped in her unpleasant prison, or how long she remained
there. However at one point in the book she does mention that
pixlies are creatures “eons more experienced” than Tribbits, which
could be an indication that pixlies are typically naturally immortal.
Pixlies are particularly attracted to the ting sounds made by The Sword
that Makes A Sort Of Ting Sound When You Hold it Up To The Light
Plague Mother Spore
One of the most dangerous creatures in Battal, a Plague Mother
Spore resembles a gigantic combination of spider, octopus, and
queen ant, and is serviced by her/its thousands of children, who
resemble giant albino spiders.
A plague mother spore is infused with the energy of some kind of
plague, be it Fellonyourheadwhenyouwereababyitis or Grey Death. As long as
the plague mother spore persists, the plague it is associated with will
continue onward; furthermore, as long as the plague mother spore
exists, the negative emotions of those it is near will magnify thousands of times over.
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Difficult to contain, much less destroy, a plague mother spore must
be defeated by a Life Elemenstor to keep it from regenerating.
Destroying its hordes of spider-like minions whilst slogging through
its seemingly-endless underground tunnel-hive is an obvious
prerequesite to defeating the beast.
In Elemenstorer, one of the major subplots concerns destroying a
plague mother spore nest.
”Plague” is not the formal version of the word; it is pronounced
“plah-HUE,” after the Death Elemenstor who claimed to be birthed
from a plague mother spore to get attention.
Plague Mother Spores rarely appear in The Elemenstor Cycle, and are
generally referred to indirectly, mainly reguarding their effects on
emotion.
“Man, all she’s done today is nag, whine, and cry. I
swear, she’s got a PMS.”—An unknown peasant in
Book 4
Fanart
http://elothtes.pbwiki.com/f/howmanypeoplewannakicksome
ass.GIF
Plain Plains Plane
Simply put, a plain plane of plains that stretches as far as the eyes can
see. There’s a definite hint of cabbage in the air at all times, and some
few races have hidden here among the infinite reaches, their little
townsteads stretching out from very generic portals. Used only as a
convenient set of shortcuts in the Wizbit animated series, it originally
appeared in Book 7 where a remarkably bland but beautifully written
passage describes how the heroes travel from one portal town to the
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other. The quality of the writing is astounding, and it’s the only part
of the book that lacks anything truly Epic.
Plane of Brooding Melancholia
Known as the gothiest of all Planes, the Plane of Brooding Melancholia is so named for its scenery and its inhabitants, which conspire to
produce feelings of excessive, even brooding melancholia in those
that visit this plane. Happiness is against the law here, but that is of
little matter, as it does not generally exist in the face of such sadness
and despair. A small group of Dim Elves inhabit this plane; they
themselves are immune to the depressing effects, but contribute to
the general feeling of unease with their unnerving detachment from
the pleasures of life.
In Book 11, Ray the Telesorcerial accompanied a chair and a desk
through this plane. As he made his way through, he was assaulted by
virulent feelings of disillusionment and hopelessness, and two crazy
Gore-orcs. He survived the orcs but reported feeling “really spent”
after leaving the plane. For a while he questioned the meaning of like,
asking “if there is really any point to all of this. I want to die.”
Jastevi briefly hung around the plane, hoping its brooding aura would
rub off on him and give him a more serious demeanor. It made him
sad, though, and he quickly left.
The Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness was forged after
Gragnakas visited this plane very briefly.
This plane is also home to The Gouth. The part they inhabit is even
broodier and melancholier than the other bits of the plane.
Pormora
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An eastern coastal village in Terle, primarily populated by old sea salts.
Asana Millytopthought first hears tales of Captain Tev from a group of
sailors trading lore outside of the Salty Lick tavern.
Portund
Portund a provincial lowland desert fiefdom settled just east of the
towering Beutrafficades Mountain Range. Mentioned only briefly in
Morwid’s Guide to Barely Mentionable Out-of-the-Way Fiefdoms, it’s primary
claim to fame was that although it continually applied for Twelve
Realm status, it was never able to attain this lofty civic goal. Fortunately for the farmers and merchants living in Portund, while all of
the Twelve Realms were systematically annihilated during the
Vampyric Wars, this land was spared.
There is a brief rainy season each year when the lands become thick
with mirey muck rather than desert and scrublands. It is on this short
period each year that the mud farmers depend for their livelihood, and
a drought during this period can spell ruin for entire communities.
Vhadxi shook the mud off his blackened cape and stomped
through the door of The Fancy Fisherman.
The Bartender, Sailor Steve, lifted a glass of ale in greetings.
”Yar, matey!” he cried. “Welcome to The Fancy Fisherman!
What can I do you for?”
The ghastly pallor of a man approached the bartender, and with
leering menace, placed his hands atop the counter. “I, Vhadxi,
Dark and Evil Vampyre Lord Supreme, ruler of Blackest
Minathok, require the use of a donkey.”
”A donkey, eh? I keep a cup of blood in the back, if you want
it.”
”Foolish mortal! I didn’t come here for a ‘cup o’ donkey!’ Find
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me a steed to ride, posthaste, and you shall be handsomely
rewarded.”
”A donkey, eh? I suppose you could talk to Markuel of
Markuel over there, and he could fill you in a thing or two.”
”Over where?” And as Vhadxi turned to look, he slipped on
the floor, plummeted backward, and landed on the ground with
a prodigious thump.
”You okay, son? Sometimes we leave things on the floor.”
Vhadxi got up, and brushed himself off. His hair was mussed,
and—were it not for his excessive blinking—appeared
extremely agitated. “That man over there?”
”You’re pointing to a wall. I meant the man over there.”
”Right. Thanks ... mortal.” ~(Chapter 8 “Fireside Tales,
and Hilarity,” Book 7, The Trial at Elddim’s Peak)
Reasons Why Portund Never
Achieved Twelve Realm Status
# Never had the proper resources.
# They kept asking for an extension.
# Unforseeable obstacles.
Locations within Portund
•
•
Village of Delberry
Village of Dundersville
Places to Visit
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•
The Fancy Fisherman. Despite being an inland kingdom
far from any common trade routes, this inn is a popular
haunt for sailors and travellers.
Elemenstor Prigglesnap
A Demistructor who appears in Book 12 and fights a rather extended
duel using his Horn of Demistruct. At the same time he sings a
cacaphonous song that accompanies the grinding, scraping melody of
his instrument/weapon. In the song he makes a great many outlandish claims, including claming to have knowledge as to the location of
the Hat of Destiny.
It is unclear if the elemenstor is fighting on the side of good or evil in
the book, as random swings seem to be taken at good and evil alike.
Most agree that he was simply trying to make a nussiance of himself.
Princess Crystalcrown
Princess Crystalcrown was a pretty good princess, in general. I mean,
nobody really complained about her princessing. This didn’t stop the
Dark Master from convincing the Elanfariestel the Easily Convinced to
undertake a long and drawn-out betrayal that ended when Elanfariestel gently nudged Princess Crystalcrown off a cliff on Mount Wor.
This act had many epic repercussions throughout the land, but most
of them involved cabbage, so it didn’t really get mentioned much
outside of cabbage-farming circles.
Her father died just before she was born, and she was therefore
crowned at birth. Her name is the result of the fine tradition of
naming the child by the first thing that touches their head. Though
not the eldest child, she ruled in the stead of her brother, Floor the
Stupid.
Princess Crystalcrown might have traced her lineage back to King
Ronard if she so chose; however, she opted not to emphasize this fact,
as anyone with an IQ higher than that of your average watermelon
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would realize that this is not anything to brag about (incidentally,
many descendants of King Ronard did not have IQ’s greater than that
of a watermelon).
Princess Crystalcrown was also known as the Frabrige Princess,
Crystalcrown Lightbearer, and even The Crystal Mother by The
Crystal Order, a cult dedicated to advancing the ideals she stood for
during life (even though it was not clear what those ideals were.)
Elanfariestel looked into Crystalcrown’s trusting eyes.
He began to question himself. “Was this the right
thing to do? Was this what the princess wanted, deep
down, just as the shadow figure had suggested?”
Her back to the edge of the cliff, standing so very
close to the drop, she stood and waited, as the wind
kicked up and she drew her shaw closer around her,
and shifted slightly from foot to foot.
”Princess Crystalcrown, I...” he said suddenly, reaching
out for her. As his hand brushed against her shoulder
a sudden gust pushed down on them.
Elanfariestel stepped back from the edge. Where the
princess had been standing a moment ago was now
just an unobstructed view of the crimson sunset.
Another gust of wind howled around him as he turned
his collar to the storm, and as the first drops of rain
began to fall, he turned and began the long trek back
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down the mountain.—Crystalcrown Chronicles
Pyromancer
An Elemenstor, Sorcerer, or Mage with power over Fire magic, or
possibly a guy who is good at lighting fires and does them fairly
often.
Pyromancers are invaluable for clearing land for farming, for keeping
Towns and cities warm during the winter, and for getting rid of
evidence; no good town is without a pyromancer and things for that
pyromancer to burn, although the latter can be somewhat out of a
town planner’s hands. As cited from one of the books:
I asked the man what he was doing, and he responded,
“Fair sir, I am a pyromancer, and I am doing my duty
to my city. For the cleansing power of fire is not to be
underestimated or sold short! Not as long as I am
here, bearing a flame to sweep clean what is necessary
to sweep clean. Do you smell that, good sir?”
I smelled and indeed there was a warm and unique
scent in the air.
”That,” said he, “is the smell of Fire Elemenstation in
the morning.” He took a savoring breath. “It smells
like... victory.”
”And,” I added, “burning peasants.”
”Obviously.”
My search-fu is weak—remind me where that passage is from?
It’s from one of the Elemenstor Radio Dramas, I think the one where
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Lander meets Wendell ~ asura
Only the first 4 episodes are told from the first person. This has got
to be one of the first three episodes. -tim
it’s episode 3, Raging Fire, right? ~ asura
Qaxrad of Syzz
An Air Elemenstor who appears in Book 5 and is in love with the
lovable Serafina Haberdasheron
Queen-Princess Xanzandrinzel
The immortal queen of the Mean Elves of The Underdeep, who first
appears in Book 5. Unlike many Mean Elves, she is unbothered by the
bat-mice, as, thanks to learning Earth Elemenstation at a young age,
turned her eyes into stones capable of sight.
As she is the longest-lived and least blind of all Mean Elves, and also
immortal (due to an accident involving a stolen rubian and a freak
encounter with a Battal Toad), Xanzandrinzel has become their
defacto leader.
She occasionally leads raids to the surface world, usually after she’s
forgotten her species is even blinder than usual above ground.
Despite being an understandably mean Mean Elf, she has a soft spot
for Quilp, whose frequent near-to-total-blindness strikes a cord with
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her. Speaking of cords, their scrap leather also makes for fetching
outfits.
Fan Art
Quotable Quotes
This section is for posting memorable quotes from the ELotH
franchise that have stuck with you throughout the years. Perhaps you
still use a particular turn of phrase among your friends, perhaps you
have an old T-shirt or bumper sticker with this phase on it.
Canon Literature
”Why is everyone so surprised that I’m still alive?” - S’yrf’yl the
Immortal, Book 9
”Tell me more of Elemenstoring, Dogus,” cooed the soggy bar-maid.
“Tell me more of the furniture and the glory.”—from Book 6:
Nightstand’s Peril
”Accursed mountebank!”—Ekezenthal, upon learning of Ray
Charebet’s treachery in The End of the Heirarch Wars
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”And in the speaking from whence the Hierarchs circumpredicated
their existence, were the first Words of immortal beings ‘Behold the
Four Vales, for verily they art pleasing/havst been pleasing/willst be
pleasing to Ourselves.’”—Weighty Tome of Elemenstor, verse 4
”A flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminating the
grizzled Elemenstor and his ambulatory dresser.”—Book 1, officially
the first line of the series
”A flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminating the
grizzled Elemenstor and his ambulatory dresser.”—Book 13, officially
the last line of the series
”As the fireflies danced lazily in the twilight, the samurai turned to
leave, naturally as if moved only by the breeze. The corpses of his
enemies were no more to him than the dry grass.”—Good Things,
Many Devils, Oriental Tales of the Wang Kingdom
The ghastly pallor of a man approached the bartender, and with
leering menace, placed his hands atop the counter. “I, Vhadxi, Dark
and Evil Vampyre Lord Supreme, ruler of Blackest Minathok, require
the use of a donkey.”—Book 7
”None can stand before the Rhaja Lord, for he is as an evil wind,
blowing away the chaff of the world.”—the Rhaja Lord to Propitious
Opportune before their climactic battle in Tales of Yorn Appendix D, A
Chronicle of The Burnten’ed Times by Ulfulaz the Historian.
”Now it is the time for you to die.”—Char Reyarteb, Book 10 (much
cooler sounding in context)
”Don’t point that staff at me, you stupid b-tch!”—Last words of
Maskatoo of the Old College, Book 11
”Listen, if you’re evil you have to have scars or a horrific background.
You have neither, so you are not evil. I say the closest you come to
being evil is the smell.”—Last words of Thad Obor, The Dawinesque
Awards
”What is the secret ingredient? All of them!” High Culimancer Bertrick,
Book 3
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”Bigots, eh? I hate bigots. No reason, really. I just hate them. You
would do well to do the same.”—Char Reyarteb to Maskatoo in Book 11
”This one time, in Wizard Camp, I partially dematerialized my
ambulatory and enchanted Credenza. Do not suffer amateur
Elemenstorations lightly. They shall be the death of us all.” Lord
Scranton Stufflebeam, Second Level Enchanted Alchemical Joiner, Broken Stool:
Alchemical Boogaloo
”And King Ronard said: ‘Lo, there shall be a chicken in every pot, ale in
every cup, and wenches in every tavern!’”—the Chronicles of the Magic
Sword Kings 1:17
“According to the Guild of Free Traders and The Allied Troll and Ogre
Door Guarders and Footmen Union I should be paid in goats and silver.
This is an outrage. Until further notice, I’m on strike.” Barry the Door
Guarding Troll, Book 8
”And let’s just give it a little test—and a one-and-a-two-and-a” Last
words of Blacksmith Smithy Blackfinger of Skyfinger
”Woah! Looks like we’re out of milk. I’ll be right back.” last canonical words of the Pixlie Bibee in Book 1, before she leaves the series
forever.
”What would Ronard do? common folk saying throughout the Tides of
Epic Conflict Saga
”Seriously, I didn’t even realize it resembled that until someone
pointed it out to me.” ~The Memoirs of High Elemenstor Alice
Phallus, pg. 36
”Well, at the very least, I don’t know.” Noddy Chillbreezey, Book 9, on
the Unknowable.
”Yam Eaters? People who eat yams? By the cream below my pants
you shall not rest until they have permits!” The Hyacinth Emperor,
Return to the Epic Sicklemire Dilemma
”Ha ha ha! By the next moon, all people across the Sickle will know
the name of Hopebane! ...wait, they already do? Well...maybe they’ll
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know it better or something. Look, I can’t stop my plans just because
I’m already famous or anything! Damn, how did they manage to
know my name so soon? Am I that obvious a villain? Maybe...maybe
you could go out and distract some people so they can forget the
name of Hopebane for a while? Could you?” Lord Hopebane, to Lopae
of Hopea, Hopebane’s Gambit
**”Prosecutor Grumuffle: Were you or were you not twiddling the
Magical item?
Lextor the Vextor: That depends what you mean by twiddling....”**
~ From the Trial of Lextor the Vextor in Book 2, see Law 323
”Driven by rage, I subsist on revenge; dine upon those epicurean
desires my own dark predilections indicate,” said the dark figure. It
was not the pale, gaunt features of this man that gave young
Elemenstor Dern chills, or the calm brutality behind the dark figure’s
eyes that made the pit of his stomach flutter with fear. It was the
nightstand. The nightstand that ambled, quite casually in fact, up to
take a subservient position beside that dreadful man where, to Dern’s
abject horror, it purred, ready to obey.—excerpt from Book 13 and a
Half
”;;;;;;; ;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ; ; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;; ;;;;; ;;; ;;;;” The Ambiguous
Stranger, Book 13
”After a while your enemy becomes too complex. After that the only
way to defeat them is to truly know yourself.”—Throbald the Somewhat
Addled, in a somewhat less addled frame of mind
Come on in, I’ve got good stuff and you’d be wise to buy! Zik, the
opening line of Tales of the Forever Road
I’m sick of being the nice guy and being taken advantage by every
passerby! The next person who thinks he can cheat me out of
something is going to receive a severe thrashing! an enraged Ghithik
the Thick near the end of the third-to-last chapter of Tales of the Forever
Road
If it isn’t my old friend Ghithik! How are you? Have you seen the
ring or the hat lately? Prowish at the end of the third-to-last chapter of
Tales of the Forever Road
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I don’t know about you, but where I come from we solve our
problems with violence! The Rusty Knight.
”Wait a second... Reyarteb... Reyarteb... Has anybody noticed that’s
Betrayer spelled backwards??”—Mordichai Alamede, Book 12
”They are tiny, and they are tasty. Talking does not change this.”,
Gavment quoting the famous saying about the Drainberry to Steppy in
Book 4
**”Enchanters abhor a plain sword.”—Common saying in Battal.
The Wizbits
“Alright gang! Let’s kick it into overgear!”—Lander, from any
episode of the The Wizbits after Season I
”We ponezored joo!”—Said in unison after defeating many enemies
during Season 1. Later dropped due to parents complaints. (see:
lleetish)
”You pulled what out of where?”—Penny to Skip on numerous
occasions.
”You take the fatty, I’ll beat the demon snake.”—Skip to Penny in
an unfortunately phrased battle strategy.
”WIND!”—Zula whenever they did that hackneyed extended
reverse-angle shot of her pseudo-hadouken maneuver.
”Ooh, those Wizbits roil my boils!”—Warchief Bogg, whenever he
found his plans thwarted.
”annoying laughter”—Hallau, Zula’s Pink Fruitbat, anytime
anything remotely humorous happened.
”Porn Ninja will strike back!, Lander, mocking the assassins.
”I can eat glass; it does not hurt me.”—the famous Lost Moral.
”What the Quilp?”—Lander, at random points throughout the
series.
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”A penny saved!”—Penny, frequently after being saved, but
sometimes at random.
”Gosh! I could sure go for a donut milkshake!”—Doodle, in any
episode in which asian-looking cuisine made an appearance.
Misc ELotH Quotes from other
sources
”Oh thank LL’Chomber I got here in time! That looks like a
nasty wound!”—Last words many hear when spoken by Extremely
Elf I’den in the ELotH comic book
”Elementics, my dear Gearstriker.”—Shilo Hartsel at the end of
most Shilo Hartsel Stories
Real World Quotes
”It’s a big world.”—Tycho Brahe at Elemenstorm ‘99
”I need money.”—James Langomedes in a rare interview with Rolling
Stone
”It’s not nonsense, Jerry! There are fucking dyemons in the
film!”—James Langomedes to key grip Jerry Mitchell on why he was
burning the film for The Wizbits episode 0201.
”Quote me as saying I was misquoted by someone else.”—
We’ve No Idea.
”What is this crap? I never should have hired that Ghost Rider!”
- James Langomedes at the Who Watches The Wizbits? debut party,
apparently disgusted at the non-arrival of a Marvel Comics-themed
motorcycle entertainer
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”Revenge, as far as I care, is sexy.”—James Langomedes, in an
interview with Playbill magazine
”...”—James Langomedes, comatose, reacting to the James Langomedes
Candlelight Vigil gathered outside his hospital bed.
”This is a serious fantasy work. The fact that you don’t know
about it is actually kind of a compliment.”—Tycho Brahe to Gabe,
before the release of The Fires of Mount Windice
”... generally behaved like a little Hitler”—documentarian James
Burke, on Tycho Brahe.
”cheese fork payphone”—the ambiguous last publicly spoken
words of James Langomedes.
”You little bitch, I’ll rip your guts out, wear them as shoes, and
kick your GIANT ASS with them! -- Tycho Brahe
Raunch Iron
First appearance: Book 3
A grumbly old man who was a Clerical Healer before anyone in his
village could remember. He plied his trade by moving slowly
mumbling incantations that caused wounds to wait for him to arrive,
safely placing the patient in a sort of stasis. Due to the majic of the
incantations, the wounds actually paused...the pain however didn’t.
Somewhat “Bloody Minded” old Raunch Iron would always lecture
the victim about how it was his tea break and how he had the wrong
Rune Forms and the victim should have had them already signed by a
higher ranking Clerical Healer, but he would eventually complete the
ritual and mend the wounded. Despite his insistence on having a
‘higher ranking Clerical Healer’ sign the mystical healing Runic Sheets
or Rune Forms, he is likely the ‘Alpha Clerical Healer,’ and is just
going through the motions of the ritual he created.
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Raven Darkblood
At 10 she is the youngest of the children of Valedaleglenhill. She is one
of the Zonardians, half-human and half-whitedragon.
Also featured in The Adventures of Isaac and Raven, in which she is 5
years older.
In Book 11, it is revealed that Revolp Darkblood is the son of Raven.
Fan Art
Her name is blatant ripoff from Dr Raven Darktalon Blood. Luckily,
she didn’t appear in the cartoon. - Jake
Seems more like an “unusual coincidence” to me... The characters
aren’t at all related. As the initial poster of Raven Darkblood’s entry
and not being familiar with the good doctor, I can tell you that there
probably isn’t any actual connection. -tim
I think Doctor Raven Darktalon Blood started off as a tribute character
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for Raven Darkblood, but ended up being quite different when the
comic started coming out. I think it may be why Dr. Raven Darktalon Blood has a cute little pet made out of pure hell, though. -JM
Ray Charebet
Ray Charebet was the mysterious Elemenstor of Light who first appears
in The Heirarch Wars Continue to aid in the destruction of Char
Reyarteb’s spirit residing in the kitchen doorknob of the Old House of
Eyekia Lane. He and the other Elemenstors are, as it is chronicled,
unable to aid in the destruction of the doorknob due to internal
strife. In End of the Hierarch Wars, it is revealed that Ray was the cause
of the strife all along, and had in fact been aiding the Dark Elemenstors
in their quest to revive Char.
How Ray managed to outwit the other Elemenstors for so long is
revealed to have been because he was, in fact, an astral projection of
Char Reyarteb all along. Only having access to a fraction of Char’s
power, Ray managed to decieve the Elemenstors long enough to buy
the Dark Elemenstors adequate time to unlock his true power. Many
fans point to this revelation as the most shocking of the series.
Ray the Telesorcerial
Ray the Telesorcerial plays a heroic, though complex, role in Book 11.
He assists in the defeat of some of The Eight Elemental Constructs while
also using them and other characters for his own purposes, which
apparently involve some form of social research.
As the following excerpt reveals, Ray’s entry into the saga is a classic
example of Brahe’s device of epicness through studied unepicness. The
ironic use of excessive adjectives and adverbs (in classic fantasy style)
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contrasts sharply with the preceding section, which describes the
traumatic experiences of a troubled bathtub furniliar in relentlessly arid
prose.
The large bureau groaned as three loud thumps rang
through the chamber and flames began to trickle from
its mouth.
“What is it this time? I’ve already told you, we don’t
have any pickled supplies of any sort,” muttered the
desk pluckily as it turned irritably.
:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:
:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;: :;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:
:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;::;:;:;:;:;:;:;:;:
“No, no, this can’t possibly be the right plane, Mr.
James. The mad Dr. Octopus has clearly taken up a
life of crime in this one,” echoed a nervous, high
pitched voice from within the bureau.
The desk turned, curious. None of the previous
entities in the bureau had spoken, nor had the flames
appeared quite so...convincing. With a sudden roar and
a groan, the bureau shattered open amid a burst of
flames. Losing a bit of its pluck, the desk pushed itself
against the wall in fear.
Amid the charred remains of the poor bureau, there
stood a befuddled man with tired eyes, darting
nervously behind his dully glinting spectacles. Though
charred and covered in a thin covering of ash, he
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maintained a starchy appearance, standing swathed in a
strange black overcoat. Beneath the curious overcoat
he wore a jerkin particularly unsuited to a sorcerer:
white and starchy, without a hint of the prized
billowiness that marks any true wizard’s robe. And, as
if manifesting some hidden, desperate deathwish, he
wore a long, thin cravatte around his neck like a noose.
After a few moments of nervous glances, convinced
that he was alone in the room, he muttered with
quivering voice, ;:;:;:;:;:;:”:;:;:Oh my. This isn’t right at
all.”
The desk overcame its initial shock, which was soon
replaced with a nightstand’s rage, “Not even an
apology, you sick bastard!?!” ::::::::”You realize that
killing a bureau in transtemporal telebirthing is a first
degree offense, don’t you?”
Following this section, the story line is broken by a ten page
digression into the mating and courtship practices of Dim Elves,
which is eventually woven into the story line of Ray the Telesorcerial.
Ray goes on to discover the disastrous events unfolding in Battal, and
lends himself to the effort of defeating The Eight Elemental Constructs,
playing the most central role in the dispersion of the Lift Maiden. His
motives and the nature of his “home plane” are never entirely
clarified.
He is sometimes believed by some to be a chronoclone of Yar the
Sorcerial, because he engages in a struggle with and against the
Constructs in a storyline parallel to Yar’s struggles to bring “balance”
to the warring factions of Chronosorcellors in the volume. Aside from
the obvious similarities of the names and the parallel story lines, there
are a number of other parallels obvious to careful readers of the
series, such as Ray’s “birth” in a burst of flames.
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Real Life Timeline
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December 21 - The Holy Incinerator may or may not have
been created by a deranged order of incenerator obsessed
monks in a remote province of Spain. It may or may not
have been created due to the fact that it may or may not actually exist or just be a creation of Tycho Brahe’s deranged
mind. We will never know for sure. (Wink, Wink.) Somewhere along the line, the origins of the Holy Incinerator became a bizarre blend of fact and fiction that is inseperable
today. The only thing that many people both in Battal, and
the real world can attest to is that it is: “Not all that holy.”
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October 24, 1601 - Followers of the Dark Fourteen use this
date in the famous He is already dead hoax, an attempt to get
The Fourteenth Manuscript published.
1977
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May 25 - Realmworlds Publishing is founded by M. Holhik and
J. Krakins in Boise, Idaho. Based upstairs of a Chinese restaurant, it immediately burned down when Mr. Holhik upturned a deep-fryer while arguing about the rent.
July 24 - Using the last of their savings, Holhik and Krakins
reopen Realmworlds as a frozen yogurt shop on Mercer Island, Washington. They quickly become a hit and franchise
the new restaurant chain thirteen times. Realmworlds Publishing hires Mich Fehkoo as CEO and splits in to two divisions.
Realmworlds Delicious Freezees Inc. is responsible for earning
enough money to keep Realmworlds Publishing afloat.
1978
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November 18 - Tycho Brahe is born.
1980
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February - After much strife, Holhik and Krakins agree to
publish the first fantasy novel by Realmworlds Publishing, entitled “Realmmasters.”
1982
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May - With the success of Realmmasters, upstart fantasy writers flock to Realmworlds Publishing. Despite flagging sales in
the Realmworlds Delicious Freezees Inc. division of Realmworlds, the company posts record profits.
1986
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Febuary - Frank Herbert, injured from defeating L. Ron
Hubbard and sealling his soul just thirteen days earlier, seeks
out Krakins before his death. With his last breath he bestows all of his powers on Krakins, including superior writting ability, prescience, and appreciation for fine cheeses.
October - The first book set in the ELotH:TES universe is
published, written by Krakins himself. The Sundering of
Vhaxdi, which details the later re-explored happenings of
The Sundering, is poorly received, and generally considered to
be irrelevant and inconsistent with the overall setting, even
using major terminology for completely different purposes.
Still, it is remembered as a milestone, being the first novel
set in the ELotH:TES universe.
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December - Realmworlds Publishing purchases the rights to
The Legend of Adlez, with intent to extend the book into a series. Several concepts are preserved, most notably, the way
in which Dyemons are portrayed is kept stylistically similar
throughout all subsequent ELotH works.
1987
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March - Disappointed with the failure of The Sundering of
Vhaxdi, Krakins invests in a chain of costumed mascot
themed video arcade/restaurants called Screeching Squirrel’s Lunchtime Brainwash. Despite an early incident at a
Seattle restaurant in which a drunken Krakins gets into a
slap fight with several small children after a Skee Ball tournament that was supposed to be “fixed” goes awry, the
chain does fairly well due to its after hours hot dog swallowing contests.
May - Holhik wins the factory that was to become the birthplace of the CCG.
November - Eager to cash in on the phenomenon of fan’s
paying to read advertisements the ELotH:TES Magazine is
created.
1988
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1989
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July - German translation of Realmmasters first undertaken by
the Berlin publishing house of Fischer-Bosch GMBH. The
term translation is used, but the German contracts actually
use a word which translates more accurately as re-imagining.
October - A set of 3 Elemenstor Battles (Promotional
Cards) released
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January - The Elemenstor Battles card game is released. This is
generally considered to be the true beginning of the
ELotH:TES setting.
June - The final Screeching Squirrel’s location is forced to
close when several animatronic woodland creatures cease to
function properly and instead of singing merry songs begin
to recite backward Latin and spew flames from their eye
sockets.
December - Elemenstor Universe Championship Tournament, Cleveland, OH
1992
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November - With their newfound profits, Holhik and
Krakins purchase a number of endangered species and begin the world’s first Endangered Species Death Cage
matches.
1994
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January 6 - Holhik and Krakins are each sentenced to 25
years to life in prison when the Endangered Species Death
Cage underground fighting ring is exposed. Fehkoo gains
complete control of Realmworlds Publishing and Realmworlds
Delicious Freezees Inc.
October - Flush with money and obsessed with the dot-com
bubble, Fehkoo awakes one morning after heavy night of
drinking to find he has signed seven popular online writers,
each of them with gigantic contracts to write epic, fantasyesque sagas. Tycho Brahe is among those with a contract.
1996
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May - Wizbits: Elemenstor Battle, a CCG rerelease of the
original Elemenstor Battles card game, is released.
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June 7th - The Japanese anime ElamenSTAR premieres on
the Japanese satellite television network WHOA-MAN.
August - The BBC airs the Elemenstor Radio Dramas
November 12th - Tycho Brahe pens the first of the Epic
Legends Of The Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga novels.
December 24th - The release of the first expansion for
WEBCCG, Quest: The Chasm, which introduced the Fairy
Godfather (Card), which when combined with the Gangster Octopus (Card) created an unbeatable deck. The release of this
must-have Christmas gift a mere 12 hours before Christmas
Eve leads to riots at many local toy stores.
1997
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January - The infamous Elemenstor Riots over the Gangster
Octopus (Card)
January - alt.fan.elothtes is created
March - Stateside release of heavily footnoted Book 3, with
segments of Book 2 as an appendix. Deemed a daring publishing move, the book attracts the attention of worldreknowned critic Harold Bloom. Bloom glowingly reviews it
as the “product of a mind that has clearly marinated in the
best juices of the Western cannon” and claims to find esoteric meanings hidden in the book. Widespread critical acclaim does not come until the publication of Book 8. (Book
2 will not be released until 2004.)
March - alt.fantasy.elothtes is created
June 1 - The second WEBCCG expansion, Epic Legends of
the Hierarchs (Later printings renamed to Collide: The Vision to
keep the naming scheme of the first few sets), is released to
build anticipation for the upcoming Book 4. Due to time
constraints, this set consists of cards from the previous sets
with randomly assigned Element powers. The
WEBCCG:ELOTH version of the Gangster Octopus (Card) is
so rare that nobody has actually seen one.
June 7 - The premiere episode of the second season of ElamenSTAR re-airs in Japan (initially aired as a special on 31 December 1996). It fares poorly due to a changeable air day
and time, but fans create a vast secondary distribution system with VHS. The fansub community kicked into high
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gear, often shipping crates of dubbed VHSs to the US
within ten days of the episodes’ original air dates.
June 16 - Bookstores around the world hold Epic Midnight
Madness Elemenstoring Parties in preparation for the release of Book 4 of the Epic Legends Of The Hierarchs: The
Elemenstor Saga
July 26 - The drinking and pill binge takes place as ELotH:TES
becomes wildly popular.
July 30 - Realmworlds Publishing creates Elemenstors of the Peninsula as an imprint for all ELotH:TES products
August 13 - The ELotH: TES - Pen and Paper RPG is printed
by Black Fox Games, with innumerable supplements pumped
out in an short period of time.
September - rec.arts.elothtes is created, over the vehement
objections of the denizens of alt.fan.elothtes and
alt.fantasy.elothtes. For six months, a cross-group flamewar
persists, with many articles cross-posted to two of the three
groups. Eventually things settle down, with most of the
fandom posting in r.a.e.
December 1 - The third expansion to WEBCCG is released,
Vanish: The Power. Cards in this set are so vastly overpowered that they render play with cards from previous sets impossible.
December 26 - Tides of Epic Conflict Saga, another series in
the ELoTH universe, is published. Since it predates both
the ElemenSTARs and Brahe’s epic by thousands of years,
covers a time only previously mentioned in footnotes, is not
advertised for, and is released the day after Christmas, few
buy it. Still, it enjoys mild popularity among hardcore fans
looking for something to buy with gift certificates and store
credit for returned gifts at bookstores.
1998
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March 8 - Steven Anderson, creator of The Elementalist series
sues Elemenstors of the Peninsula for copyright infringement.
Anderson claims Krakins used Anderson’s ideas in the creation of ELothHTES. Krakins vehamently denied any such
charges, however, the case was settled outside of court for
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an undisclosed amount of money and ELothHTES merchandise.
March 22 - The first edition of the roleplaying game system
ELotH : The Furnishing is released by Elemenstors of the Peninsula, to the great offense of Black Fox Games, publishers of
the ELotH: TES - Pen and Paper RPG. Despite harassment
by Black Fox, ELotH: The Furnishing is more popular.
September 9 - Season 3 of ElamenSTAR airs in Japan. Reactions to this season are mixed, as the show remains thematically mature but tackles slightly more mundane “adult”
issues. Episode #58, “Shock! Sexism in the workplace!”, is seen
as a particularly odd direction for the series.
1999
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March 24 - Creation of rec.games.card.elemenstor, the Usenet group for Elemenstor Battles. The group has a chequered
history recDOTgamesDOTcardDOTelemenstor.
February - Worldwide release of Book 8, with some critics
grudgingly ceding to the raw power of the ELotH:TES juggernaut by providing positive reviews. Most notably, The
Nation claims to find a radically subversive social message
in the volume.
September 2 - Season 1 of The Wizbits airs in the US, after
heavy lobbying from fans who enjoyed the fansubbed version. The show is very popular among the general public,
but hardcore fansubbers are enraged by the poor editing
judgement shown by cut-rate reanimators, United Dildonics.
September 25 - Season 4 of ElamenSTAR airs in Japan, featuring the Four Underdogs all grown up. No one seems to
care, as the amount of “mature material” in the show is unaffected by this change.
December - Worldwide release of Book 9, timed to coincide
with the Winter holidays, is delayed until January with the
ostensible justification that the publishers wanted a simultaneous global release, and that some translations were not yet
finished.
2000
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July 15 - The final season of ElamenSTAR premieres in Japan.
September - Season 2 of The Wizbits airs in the US.
October - Finnish translation of Book 10 released, according
to publication date in the book. I have found Finnish newspapers showing large crowds of people under a banner with
the book’s cover art and a large “#1” printed above it.
October 8 - Debut of Official Wizbits Fruit Pies.
November - Finnish translation of Book 11 released, according
to publication date in the book.
December 25 - The controversial Season 2 Christmas Special, An Elemenstor Xmas: Penny Farthing’s Specialist Gift is
scheduled to air. Due to an unprecedented number of complaints sent to the FCC, the episode enters the history
books as the first show actually banned before it was seen
by anybody but the production staff. Coincidentally, the
number of complaints exactly matched the number of production staff employed on the show. The series was pulled
from future syndication. While still considered canon, no
plans exist for it to be included on future compliations.
2001
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January - Realmworlds Publishing is bought out by Multigame
Corp all staff are allowed to stay on.
Late January - Fantasy Armory LLC. is bought out by
Realmworlds Publishing under the direction of Multigame Corp
and renamed Realmworlds’ Armory. Production of Realmworlds’
Armory Presents: 100 Swords of Sepathok commences.
March - Finnish translation of Book 12 is released, according
to publication date in the book.
September - Season 3 of The Wizbits airs in the US. Ratings
begin to wane and it is moved around on the schedule a record twelve times in efforts to please sponsors.
October 31 - Multigame Corp drops all references to
Realmworlds Publishing in favor of Elemenstors of the
Peninsula.
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November 3 - WALL website is launched; Beginning of the
first WALL Agash Season.
December - Simultaneous worldwide release of Book 10,
Book 11 and Book 12 as a compilation trilogy with leather
binding and gold trim, just in time for the Winter holidays.
2002
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February - Season 3 of The Wizbits ceases broadcasting
after the climax of the Char Reyarteb due to a work stoppage
resulting from James Langomedes’s arrest on illegal exporting
charges. As Episode 307 ends with the cliffhanger of Zula
being secretly brainwashed by Char Reyarteb, many fanfiction
authors use this point of divergence to develop the Wizbits
into a darker, more mature story. To this day, some fanfic authors refuse to recognize the legitimacy of the offical “Season 3B”.
May 3 - WALL presents the first Ronard Cup
June - Book 13 released in a small print-run of 5000 after the
disastrous failure of the compilation trilogy. The title is only
available in gaming stores and from a few academic publishing outlets. Several doctoral theses in Comparative Studies
are written analyzing the cycle as the non-essentialized and
deterritorialized quintessence of post-modernity. Many extended comparisons are made to James Joyce’s Finnegan’s
Wake and the work of Deleuze and Guattari.
July - Recall of “The Wizbits” plush doll collection due to a
unusually high concentration of mercury in the edible stuffing.
September - Elemenstormers Dot Com goes live. It quickly
gathers a large number of users.
November - The first English translation of the Japanese
erotic comic Submissive Conqueror Lopae hits the internet, introducing many fans of such things to the Tides of Epic Conflict Saga. Most, upon realizing it is not in fact pornographic,
ignore the series and go back to what they were doing.
December - Following the acquittal of James Langomedes,
production and broadcast resumes on the remaining episodes of Season 3.
2003
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February 2 - The Dreaming Feculence cycle of games and novels begins under the direction of Richard “Guy” Jackson.
March - Splitting the Worm is posted on Elemenstormers Dot
Com, which now has over 1,750 users connected at any
given time.
2004
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February 12 -- Capping an eight-year wait, Book 2 is published, long after the 13-book cycle is completed. Despite
being one of the few books definitely penned by Tycho
Brahe, many fans immediately declare it non-canonical.
August 19 - Richard “Guy” Jackson leaves Elemenstors of the
Peninsula part way through the production of The Dreaming
Feculence citing creative differences.
August 23 - The Great Worm Flame War brings down the
Elemenstormers Dot Com servers. There was no rejoicing.
September 11 - Wizbits Extreme airs in the US for the first
time.
November 23 - Elemenstorer, the first official computer game
adaption of ELotH:TES is released as a first person
shooter. While there has already been a series of videogames
based off of The Wizbits, this is the first ‘pure’ ELotH:TES
game. The game recieves mediocre reviews, yet due
ELotH:TES’s loyal fanbase, it sells fairly well.
2005
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July - The Wizbits Extreme movie is released in Japan under a
new producer. His ultimate goal with the movie was to end
Wizbits Extreme in a way that would make fans support his
artistic vision and create an entirely new series that was currently under production. Stateside release of the movie and
the new series will be delayed until Wizbits Extreme’s US
run is about to end.
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August - Yack Thomas threatens to sue Elemenstors of the Peninsula because of a cutscreen in Elemenstorer involving explicit
furnication. Yack claims that games viewing furnication in
video games lead impressionable young children to do unspeakable things to their parents furniture. Yack feels the
mere Teen rating is morally reprehensible, and the game
should instead have a Mature rating, if not an Adults Only
rating. Elemenstors of the Peninsula responds in a statement
that says that in the end it is the parentls responsibility to
keep their children away from negative influences such as
furnication. Elemenstors of the Peninsula added that there is an
option in the settings screen to ‘lock’ the furnication scene.
The case has not yet been brought before the courts.
October - The ELotH MMORPG ELotH Online The
Bloodrage Chronicle enters closed Alpha test.
October - ElamenSTAR Shuffle, the new series that followed
the events in the Wizbits Extreme movie is released in Japan.
November - This wiki is created, in a foolish, yet valiant,
attempt to unify all the legendary knowledge about the
Elemenstors—and perhaps bring new ideals up.
December - Bootleg dubs of ElamenSTAR Shuffle start to
surface on the internet, confirming rumors of rampant fanservice.
December 7th - Surprise release of Tales of the Forever Road,
sparking riots in many major cities.
December 25th - Elemenstors of the Peninsula begin rebranding
certain products once again using the name Realmworlds Publishing, hoping to rekindle interest in fans who have drifted
away from the more recent Elemenstor works.
2006
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January 4th - Lord ElamenSTAR Q vaguely mentions that the
second season of Shuffle is almost complete and work on the
third season will begin, but that in this new season the card
game will play a “smaller role”. This left fans puzzled as the
card game is the driving force which looms large in almost
every episode. Without that, what could be left?
January 22nd The Knowledge Smith, new novel by Hal Robinson
to be released.
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January 31st - Countdown to Infinite Wizbits is released, temporarily straightening out the convoluted Wizbits timeline.
Fans appreciate the nod to disentangling canon, and the
graphic novel aids in market penetration, even though it
fails to satisfy the expectations of the critics.
Spring - Launch of the newest adult title - Erotic Blade of
Shanari. Many pre-human organisms are expected to die in the
enjoyment of this saga.
Holiday Season - Supposed launch date for ELotH Online
The Bloodrage Chronicle and The Wizbits Season 1 DVD.
2007
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Spring - Tentative release date for the Brotherhood Octology
Book One A New Brother
2008
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Spring - Untimely release of The Wizbits Seasons 1-3 DVD
Box Set as predicted by The Heirarchs of God
October 30 - Fans that have taken the series too far have
predicted James Langomedes’s death on this date with his second coming to be not long afterwards with a whole new
Wizbits series.
Rumored release of the Weighty Tome of Elemenstor.
Date Unknown
•
A prevalent rumor in Elemenstor fandom is the existence of
a fourteenth book in the Elemenstor Saga to be published
one year and one day following the death of Tycho Brahe.
Colloquially it is termed “The Fourteenth Manuscript”. Written
in simple, flowing script by Brahe, it is said to bring the Cycle to a satisfactory close by tying together every narrative
thread from every work in the Elemenstor Universe, including the fan fiction. Though there is no official word on the
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existence of such a manuscript, neither Brahe nor Realmworlds Publishing have denied such a manuscript’s existence.
All we fans can do is hope to live long lives so as to see the
eventual publication of “The Fourteenth Manuscript”. (It is
important to note that this wiki does not condone the message of the “Dark Fourteen”, who are spreading the rumor
that “There is a faster way to find out...”)
Realmmasters
Realmmasters was the first successful fantasy book published by
Realmworlds Publishing. The origin of the manuscript is shrouded in
mystery. The book itself has no author listed, and popular lore
maintains that either Holhik or Krakins found it in a dumpster while
they scavanged for spare change. Despite the eclectic origins,
Realmmasters’ timeless tale of a boy and his search for a dog (any
dog) across multiple dimensions quickly became a best-seller. Critics
blasted it for numerous typographical errors and the out of place and
excessive criticism the book seemed to level at the seafood industry,
but the public enjoyed it so much that Realmworlds Publishing commisioned four sequels. The original author has yet to step forward
and write them, but the boxed set is available for preorder.
Summary of Realmmasters’ plot:
Warning: SPOILERS follow
A young boy, Yolando Fitch, is contacted one day by a mysterious
talking letter. The letter urges him to find his true calling as a
Realmmaster, master of realms. Finch undertakes a tedious and
dangerous journey across multiple realms, guided by a mysterious
force that will help him to master the mysterious power of the
realms. In a climax that has been called the moral triumph of this
literary century, Finch rejects his newfound power as a Realmmaster
and journeys abroad through newfound dimensions, looking for a
dog. The book ends on a sad note as Finch interrupts his quest for a
dog for a routine doctor’s appointment and learns he has inoperable
cancer.
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Realmworlds Delicious
Freezees Inc
Realmworlds Delicious Freezees Inc. (RDFI) is the sister company to
Realmworlds Publishing. Founded in 1977 on Mercer Island, Washington, RDFI started out as a single frozen yogurt shop. J. Krakins,
cofounder of Realmworlds, was the originator of the Freezee which
would become both the namesake and the savior of the fledgling
frozen yogurt stand. When Holhik and Krakins moved on to run
Realmworlds Publishing full-time, Mich Fehkoo was brought on to run the
business end of both companies and quickly assumed almost full
responsibility for RDFI. The thirteen franchises that begain the
RDFI domination of the frozen foods industry are often thought to
be referenced in Book 13 of The Elemenstor Cycle, as the near-total lack
of evil to defeat in that book is similar to the lack of competition that
RDFI encountered in assimilating the entire frozen treats industry.
Tycho Brahe has repeatedly remarked that RDFI foods give him gas
and that he would never stoop so low as to reference his publisher’s
sister company just to come up with material for a new book.
Realmworlds Publishing
This very popular publishing company was founded by Holhik and
Krakins in 1977. Their first novel was published in 1980. The book
was entitled Realmmasters. It was met with mediocre reviews from the
major publications. “Funky Fantasy” magazine on the other hand
proclaimed it the “fantasy novel of the year” although most people
agree that the people at Funky Fantasy were always a bit off their
rocker. Due to the large reader base of Funky Fantasy magazine
(most of the readers are also off their rocker), it did gain enough
popularity and achieved an almost cult like status among people from
the country of Poland to warrant the company to continue making
books with much success.
Rumors have persisted for years now that the Wizbits Elemenstor Battle
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(CCG) would be re-released and entirely updated by Realmsworld
Publishing, and prototype cards have even been seen in very
exclusive collections. It is believed that the founders of the company,
after some legal troubles, might be back in control of Realmworlds
Publishing, lending credence to the re-releasal rumors.
Realmworlds’s printing house, Realmworlds Printhaus, is known both
for its number of accidents and the number of climactic duels held
on its catwalks and scaffolds.
Recliner of Botany
A Furniliar from Book 10 who never appears at the same time as
Guddboy Lad yet nevertheless has information he could only know if
he had spoken with Guddboy.
After Guddboy Lad was killed in the Battle of the Moonlit Banners, the
Recliner of Botany was never seen or heard from again. It is
presumed by many that he was killed in the Battle of Windfield Plains,
where many, many other Furniliars met their end.
Return to Underpants campaign
The most reviled of the myriad supplements for the ELotH: TES Pen and Paper RPG, Return to Underpants consisted of six sheets of
blank paper, a nine-sided die, and a collectable miniature of an
ambulatory dresser.
Beyond this, there is also the ornate wooden box crafted from virgin
redwood, which the supplement comes packed in and which the d9 is
made out of. Conveniently overlooked, as it is inked on the inside of
the virgin redwood box, is a short and rambling essay on how to
“release you creative energy” by abandoning the “confining scriptures
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of rules and dice” and “enguaging in true and astonishing acts of
creative display.”
The supplement was written by the obscure gaming author Jane
Tallow, who was tired of being confined to a “rules heavy” game.
That Return to Underpants sold the worst of all the supplements,
and furthermore drew fire from a colossal number of antideforestation groups, only added to the stigma of her experiment’s
failure. She still works with Black Fox Games, for reasons she cannot
aedequately explain.
Those that bought and subsequently “did something” with the
supplement typically used the paper to doodle on or to keep track of
health during game sessions. The box has been noted as being perfect
for holding “dramatically-appropriate” weapons, though exactly who
has noted this is unknown.
Revolp Darkblood
The pale grey half-dragon Elemenstor from Book 11 and Book 12.
Killed in a memorable scene in Battle of the Towers of Elemenstation
Power, when distracted by Larrana Modpeer, who finally admits to the
longing she feels for him (which is hinted at all throughout Book 11)
and as he reaches to embrace her is impaled from behind by a
gigantic lance.
The readership is divided on whether this is very funny, or terribly
tragic. At cons fans tend to talk about whether they fell out of their
chair laughing at this, or cried themselves to sleep that night.
Revolp is the son of Raven Darkblood from Book 7.
Rhaja Lord
An ancient, some say timeless, powerful lord who first appears soon
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after the time of The Sundering in 10,660. His appearance marks the
darkest days of The Burnten’ed Times.
“None can stand before the Rhaja Lord, for he is as an
evil wind, blowing away the chaff of the world.”
boomed the etheral voice of the Rhaja Lord.
”Yeah? Well, you’re an arseholder!” shouted Duane.
Down from the Beutrafficades he swept like an evil wind, his black cape
spread out behind him as he rode on the back of his WratheSteed,
Pulveire. Flanked by his hordes of merciless Boar Men, he sowed the
seeds of suffering and reaped the grim harvest of death in one
kingdom after another. When it looked like no-one could stand
against his evil might, Propitious Opportune gathers an army of Skarhs,
Eagles, and Men that beat the Rhaja Lord all the way back to foot of
the Beutrafficades. In a final battle against the Rhaja Lord, (later
chronicled as the Great Battle of Great Unificationess by Ulfulaz the
Historian) Propitious plunges his blessed and bejeweled Firebrand
Dagger into the heart of the evil fiend. Apparently mortally wounded,
the Rhaja Lord staggers backwards into the darkness of his tomb just
as the walls and ceiling start to collapse around Opportune, plucky
sidekick Garvey and a magic talking lance named Duane. They escape
from the cave just in time, and the Rhaja Lord is buried, never again
to trouble the land in the times of these Men.
The Rhaja Lord returns in Book 9 to lead the Rogue Chronosorcellors,
guiding them to use their powers to create the Rhjajyept. In so doing
they would be transported back to The Four Vales before the
Darkstorm in which the Rhaja Lord himself was seeded. To aid his
conquest, the foul lord of untime crafted a Furniliar known as War
Chest the Almighty from the broken bodies of 100 lesser furniliars. In
time, War Chest the Almighty would become as infamous as the Rhaja
Lord himself.
Rhjajyept
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The collective entity blasphemously compared to the Ginormous Soul
that the Rhaja Lord intends to create by a secret Banachronation that
would momentarily carry the Lord and the Rogue Chronosorcellors of the
Jyept Adept back to The Four Vales before the Darkstorm. This would
supposedly allow the Rhaja Lord to perform a ritual that would
enable him become the ultimate, and very evil, Hierarch known as
Rhjajyept. The plot ultimately fails (in more senses than one) when the
Jyept Adept discover the ploy and turn against their master at the last
moment.
Rickett’s and Toby’s Guide
Rickett’s and Toby’s Guide is the most comprehensive encyclopedia
in all of Battal. Several versions of the Guide are available: The
classical, illustrated full version consists of thirty-seven volumes, each
one two feet tall, six inches think and heavy enough to crush a fluffy
white bunny with big brown eyes into an adorable red paste. The
smaller editions are usually more popular, however, such as the “I
can’t believe it’s not abridged” three-volume superfine print version
with microdot illustrations, fold-out magnifying glass and migraine
tablets. Few homes in the land are without at least the single-volume
super-abridged copy of “The Very Best of Rickett’s and Toby’s”.
The guide was started, and is still run, by Jeremiah Hoosawut Rickett
and Diamanta Toby. The two met in a bar on New Year’s Eve
18,999. Both being in high spirits and each drunk enough to think the
other attractive, or at least vaguely symmetrical, one thing led
inevitably to another. Or, to quote a statement made by both parties
many years later, one thing led to “the worst fornicatory experience
that any two humans and no goats have ever consensually engaged
in”. When they awoke the next morning, they took one look at each
other and instantly swore a lifetime oath of celibacy. Surprisingly,
they then went on to form a lasting and lucrative publishing partnership, albeit one completely devoid of eye contact.
While not a match made in heaven, it was definitely a match made
somewhere quite pleasant, probably near a lake or something. Toby’s
uncle had recently passed away in his sheep, willing a small fortune to
his only niece. Rickett was a licenced and experienced typesetter.
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Both were well read, unemployed and eager to make their mark in
publishing. It was not long before they hit upon the idea of making
the Guide.
Rickett and Toby were not the first in Battal to attempt to publish an
encyclopedia of this scale, but they were the first to be successful
(discounting Aardnarsh’s Compendium, which is equally popular but not
nearly as large). This was due largely to their innovative approach to
recruiting writers: they bought a run down apartment, broke off the
doorknob, furnished it with five filing cabinets, a desk and a chair,
and posted a sign on the door which read, “ENCYCLOPEDIA
ENTRIES SUBMITTED HERE - FREE!!!”. And waited one year.
”It was incredible,” said Rickett in a subsequent interview, “by the
time we came back, the original cabinets had already filled up, so
someone had added three more. And all the entries in them were
filed in perfect alphabetical order. And the apartment was cleaner than
when we’d bought it.”
The quality of the submissions proved just as surprising as the
quantity. In most cases, initial inaccuracies in the submissions had
been subsequently corrected by other entrants, who had taken it
upon themselves to act as editors, said Toby. “Of course, there was
still a good deal of stuff that was completely unusable. Some entries
were illegible, some irretrievably innaccurate, some scarringly
obscene. I don’t want to talk about those, let’s just say I’ll never look
at a horse the same way again. And there was one case where a guy
just tied four chocolate bar wrappers together with a shoelace and
filed it under “Marsupials of the higher planes”.”
Over the next two months, the “slushpile” of submissions was carted
away chunk by chunk, edited, typeset, and then (optimistically)
returned to await the next edition. Things initially looked grim: In its
first run, the Guide sold no better than any previous multi-volume
encyclopedias. Fortunately, Rickett and Toby had saved so much
money by not actually hiring anyone that they were able to afford a
second run the following year, by which time the Guide had built up
enough of a reputation to keep them firmly in the black for the rest
of their lives.
Rickett’s and Toby’s Guide is currently in its seventeenth edition, and
it remains the definitive source of information for anyone seeking to
learn more about the lifeforms and locations of Battal. A carefully
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balanced copy left in the garden can also be a damn good way to stop
your lettuce being nibbled.
This book recieved the More Aardnarsh Than Aardnarsh seal
from Fromlem’s Guide.
Rogue Chronosorcellors
Often trained originally as protectors of the timeline by members of
the Chronoclave, these practitioners of timesorc’ley, driven by madness,
greed, or lust for power, fight against all that the Chronoclave stand
for by recklessly using time travel to sate their own ambitions. Often
these ambitions include such things as going back in time to get
Harbinger Portent’s autograph, or going to the future so they can see
some “bitchin’ cool future stuff”, as the most depraved of them call
it.
The most famous Rogue Chronosorcellor of all time, no pun
intended, was, is, and will be Drague Jazzicus.
Ronard’s sword has been cited as being 3 gesundheits in length with a
diameter of .4 gesundheits and weighing between 10 draughties and 9
tosses. It supposedly gave off a sickly yellow glow and had the words
“To Hizzenhoffen” scratched into the hilt. Given the detail with
which its dimensions are presented, it is surprising to note that the
nature of the weapon’s enchantment is under constant and heavy
dispute by historians of the time. Some say that it possessed the gift
of smell, but, given its inability to speak, this assertion is far from
proven despite several claims to the contrary. They all agree, of
course, that the sword was crafted out of Rubian, which was used in
many magical swords during that time period.
Several prominant biographers have proposed that it never actually
existed and was only added posthumorously to popular lore by
Ronard’s successors, who sought to justify their title as Magic Sword
Kings.
There was a well documented sword by the same name that was held
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by Magic Sword Kings from King Sc’rch’drth though Zonard. While this
sword’s existence is well documented no historical evidence exists to
prove that it is the same sword that King Ronard carried.
This sword was actually specifically enchanted to be rather weak.
While this is generally a counter-productive enchantment it is slightly
usefull in that it’s strength is relitive, it is never extremly or slightly
weak for your opponent. This makes it theorectically possible (but
rather difficult) to defeat any opponent with the sword no matter the
power.
A hammer of prodigous size, weight, and number of spikes. It was
wielded by King Ronard, and its liberal application is regarded by
historians as the source of his power and the founding of The Magic
Sword Kingdom. Through countless processions of kings the hammer
moved through the ages, until it was finally lost by Fonard during a
particularly heated game of dwarfball at precisely The Longest Moment.
The reign of the Magic Sword Kings fell into decline soon after, and
came to a close with the Spica Wars.
See also: Ronard’s Very Large Enchanted Spikey Hammer
Ronard Dynasty
The Ronard Dyanasty includes:
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•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
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King Ronard the Greater, the first king, and from who’s crowning the timeline begins.
King Ronard the Shorter, a king of little note.
Botard the Great and Judicious and Such
Frogeater Notapuppet
Ginnerfar Notallthere
Bartholomeu Chairglued
King Kayfabe
Gunther Gelmy
King Blontyak
King Yackleson
Fonard
•
•
•
Zonard
Julipon
King Ronard the Medium, the chief protagonist of Book 12,
and son of Sierra Vanity.
Ronard the Medium
Son of Sierra Vanity, distant decendant of the first of the Magic
Sword Kings King Ronard, he is a principal character in Book 12 of
the The Elemenstor Cycle.
Saved by the Dragoon Knights of Wyvernclaw Mountain in the
Battle of Freedom’s Peril, Ronard went on to slay Char Reyarteb .
King Ronard the Shorter
Ronard the Shorter (583 - 1,003 TMSK) was a fairly uninfluential
king as far as kings and influence go. He succeeded his father, King
Ronard, the first Magic Sword King, who had ruled for a very long
time using his very strong powers of persuasion and his Very Large
But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer.
Ronard the Shorter has no claims to his name. He made no major
improvements and did no great injusitices, but sat in his throne
instead, ate, and threw fits at people who referred to him as “the
Shorter.” His halls were sparesly populated, as he was unable to
welcome many guests due to his legendary flatulence, but, at the very
least, the legends of his flatulence are still passed down to this day.
He was succeeded by Botard the Great and Judicious and Such.
It was his lack of strong leadership that allowed infighting and
inaction of The Kings Council. This weak central government set the
stage for the Vampyric Wars, which happened during his reign as high
king and ultimately ended his life.
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Rubian
Tied with Stream.
Rubian – pronounced “ROO-bee-in” – are red gems of magical
power, specifically of Transmorphation Elemenstation, the central skill of
High Elemenstation. With the ability to turn inanimate objects into
living beings, rubian are considered somehow related to the Starborn
Gem, which held the same power.
However, the exact correlation between rubian and the Starborn Gem
is one of the great mysteries of the ELotH. While it’s canon that the
Starborn Gem fell to the world as a comet, the official source of rubian
was unknown for some time.
Small shards of the material can be found throughout Battal, but are so
small as to be practically inert, or at most can only grant some trait to
an inanimate object - an elemental trait, for example, or even mild
personality. (See Embedded Rubian.) The true power of rubian is
manifested in larger, well-defined gems.
High Elemenstors possess perfect rubian gems, which are fully capable
of true, repeated Transchanting, the subtle art employed to create
Furniliars; lesser, imperfect rubian gems are more common, and may
only partially transmorph inanimate objects or transmorph an inanimate
object once before disintegrating.
This nature lends itself to the most prominent, but potentially noncanon, explanation to the source of rubian, as put forth in episode 103 (“Dark Wecrets”) of The Wizbits - that the impact of the Starborn
Gem activated similar powers within previously inert materials. Fan
speculation is as varied as it is thorough, and has long been the
subject of rigorous - sometimes even heated - debate. Some people
think that they’re broken shards of the Starborn Gem, or that the
Starborn Gem and all other rubian are the shards of that mother stone.
Others think rubian was created from the Starborn Gem by Harbinger
Portent. The theory states that Portent, who did know of his imminent
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demise, being psychic and all, sought to provide to future generations
a way to defeat his immortal student, Char Reyarteb. The perfect
rubian gems are places where Portent’s spirit, known as the Ocumen in
the series, resides, at least in this theory.
Rubian are kept in a Santorum when not being used.
Origins of rubian
As alluded to above, the origin of rubian was not illuminated until
episode 205 (Rasgones del Wizbits) of the Argentinian live-action The
Wizbits spinoff Una Hora de Acción con los Wizbits! wherein Lander
accidently ingests the root of the voba plant while travelling in the
land of the Cohoris. Used as the main hallucenogenic ingredient of
Cohoris Dream Paste, the voba root quickly subdues Lander as he falls
into a hazy and excessively backlit psychotropic narrative.
In his dreamscape, Lander is transported to a time before The
Sundering to witness the final trial of Cohor, First Sire of the Cohoris. It
is said that Cohor was tasked with fourteen great trials after mistakenly
choosing the false Egg of Power and losing favor with the gods. The
goddess Olona, who had once loved Cohor, showed the most spite of
all the gods in deciding his final trial. She called for him to plough the
vast onion fields of the Plane of Infinite Weeping Sorrow which legend
held would only be completed ‘In the span of a million tortured
souls’. However, Cohor scorned Olona with his skill and bravery,
quickly delivering a pile of onion meal so vast it dwarfed the ancient
home of the gods upon Mont Slightly-Taller-Than-Mont-Elim by a good
couple feet.
Olona was so enraged by the mortal Cohor’s hubris that she smote
the bulbous edifice bringing the moderately depressing Weeping Time
to all the lands. As she did this, a tear of pure rage fell from her one
good eye and streaked toward Battal. Falling through the clouds of
pure magik that shrouded Mont Slightly-Taller-Than-Mont-Elim
casued this tear to change and crystallize. It sparked with the fury of
infused magiks and whistled sharply as it fell, gaining enormous
speed. Minutes later, it crashed into the base of the mountain and
was destroyed in a fume of searing flame. Coincidentally, at the exact
moment the tear was destroyed, the first shard of pure rubian popped
into existence just to the left of the smoking crater.
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Role in Wizbits Elemenstor Battle
One of the more hotly contested cards within the CCG is the “Rubian
Tear (Card)” which allows the player of the card to physically strike
their opponent in homage to the rage of Olona. Once used in play,
the card must be destroyed by casting it into a cauldron of smoldering
embers (required game material).
A common card called “Rubian Shard” was also added to the CCG.
When put into play, the “Rubian Shard” is placed just to the left of
the cauldron.
Back to the Main Page
Rum Ol’ Phil is the imaginary friend of Squidgy, the woodworm of
Abercrombie, the accidental furniliar of Semmellhalt, the squire of Doric,
the knight of Gimba, the principal lady of Terle and the first female
Terleian. As Abercrombie was often used to store beverages of an
incredibly intoxicating nature, Squidgy would usually get drunk while
eating his way around Abercrombie. This would account for his
constant references to Rum Ol’ Phil, who only he could see. Squidgy
would often attribute perfectly normal occurances to the actions of
Rum Ol’ Phil, and dare people to disprove him. Strange occurences
that could not be explained by anything within our mortal realm,
however, really freaked Squidgy out. He could be heard muttering to
Rum Ol’ Phil that the whole world “was probably haunted by
invisible ghosts.”
Sabembermoff
Over centuries of retelling, the story of Sepathok has occasionally
been corrupted and retold as the story of Sabembermoff.
It is unknown whether this second name was intended by the author
as a transliteration, misreading, or outright falsification on the part of
someone attempting to insert themselves into the stories of the great
Sepathok. Some critics have speculated that the occurance of the name
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in Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Cycle, Book 6 is actually an accidental
misspelling (in other words, a typo). Some have gone so far as to use
Sabembermoff’s mention to support the “multiple authors” theories
of Fans for a True Tycho Brahe Epic.
Regardless of why the name Sabembermoff appears in Book 6, the
quote is obviously in reference to Sepathok and his famous 100 Swords.
It occurs when Doric, Knight of the Lady of Terle, lets fly some witty
repartee regarding a female opponent’s abilities as they relate to
Arthak’s Blade of Incontinence.
Before him stood the last of the bandit women. Slowly
and smugly, she drew her blade.
”Now you will die!” cried the greasy-haired ruffian.
“Wielding one of the Hundred, I can conquer
anyone!”
”Ha!” Doric flicked her wrist, disarming the bandit.
“Sabembermoff had a hundred swords, each more
amazing than the last, but it looks as though you only
wield Arthak’s.”—Taken from Book 6, Nightstand’s
Peril
I thought Doric was the knight of the lady of Terle, not the knight
lady....I mean, Doric is referred to as a male in his(her??) article. Was
this error on Brahe’s part, the author of this article (or the author of
the Doric article), or am I just going crazy? - Dryope
Right you are... There was a missing “of the” in the above article,
which I added... but the quote is accurate, although incomplete... I’ve
added the previous sentance for clarity. As you can see the her is
referring to the bandit. -tim
Yay. Thank you. - Dryope
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Savannah Ranger
The Savannah Rangers are nomads which roam the open grassy
spaces of Battal, learning the ways of the natural world, and cataloging their findings in entries which they submit to the Savannah
Ranger’s Society, who publish regular compendiums of savannah
knowledge. Part mystic, part conservationist, part tour guide, the
rangers each have a a depth of knownledge that could only come
from living your whole life on the plains.
Most households of Battal have a subscription to Ranger Society
Savannahgraphic, which is considered to be excellent “bathroom
reading.”
Notable Savannah Rangers
Elspeth the Plainsrunner
Errath Southwind
Headmaster Profineous
Scrooble
Headmaster of the Institute Of Accoutermentia during the period where
Felthar attends (in Book 5). Grandson of Steppy Rayling from Book 4.
Semmellhalt
Semmellhalt is the squire of Doric, the knight of Gimba, the lady of
Terle, and as such is the first squirely sir to the first knight of the first
female Terleian and the first squirely Terleian. He is short and smells
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odd. Faced with the job of squire for the widely revered Doric,
Semmellhalt let his nerves get to him. Doric was a heavy social
drinker, and often entrusted Semmellhalt with his vast array of liquor
and intoxicating beverages. Semmellhalt slowly slipped into a boozeinduced stupor, first during times of crisis where he imagined Doric
was counting on him and later whenever he saw someone look at him
funny. The drinks themselves were stored in Abercrombie, who became
Semmellhalt’s Furniliar by accident.
Serafina Haberdasheron
Background
Buxom supporting heroine of both Book 5 and Book 6 of Tycho Brahe’s
magnificent saga. Felthar the Moderately Handsome (later to become
Felthar the Darkly Mysterious), hero of both tales, accompanies her as
together they fight the evil wiles of villainous Elemenstor Gorg Stinkrot.
Whilst Serafina started life as a perky, ditsy blonde with ridiculous
assets, she soon sobered up to fit the darker tone of Book 6 and
became a streetwise and cynically independent young woman with
ridiculous assets.
When Serafina is first introduced, it is as an undergraduate who
studies alongside Felthar at the Institute Of Accoutermentia in Ezermethalon. The wacky, action-packed tone of Book 5 sets them on a crazy
wild-goose chase to find the Underpants of the Underdeep before their
nemesis Gorg, and most fans believe that Serafina’s character truly
shines brightest here. When Brahe released the apologetically sombre
Book 6, depicting Felthar’s expulsion for illegal magic and his
subsequent grittiness, many loyal fans cried out in outrage at the new
incarnation of their beloved Serafina. Gone was the three-times
winner of the prestigious Ezermethalon Under 19’s Wet T-Shirt Contest;
in her stead was some bitter stranger fond of breaking her enemies’
noses and then punching them in the throat. For many Serafina
lovers, this face-bloodying throat-punching rogue killed their image
of her straight away. Serafina became a significantly less popular
character as a result.
Having resolved the matter of the living nightstand and having been
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rescued by Felthar from the malicious Chair Brigade, Serafina went on
to pursue romance with her long-time companion. However it was
not to be, and after a few awkward dates they went their separate
ways. Serafina went on to become a serving wench at the Pig’s
Annoyance, a position for which she was more than appropriately
buxom.
Merchandise
Serafina, or her Book 5 incarnation at least, was remarkably popular
with males aged 13-17, and in Japan especially a significant amount of
unlicensed - and some licensed, as it was the time of the drinking and
pill binge - merchandise was produced. These include such favourites
as Serafina’s Hot Love Express Power, and Serafina Real Life Size Interactive
Love Doll. Serafina appears in many unlicensed and ridiculously outof-continuity Japanese movies and manga with the also-ridiculously
endowed, yet lesser-known Lopae of Hopea. Diehard Serafina fans
have lobbied for an adult-oriented animated series to go with the new
range of ELotH:TES adult novels, and it seems as though Brahe is
beginning to cave to the idea.
Official Merchandise:
ELotH Limited Edition Busts
Todd Mcfarlane’s Elemenstors Action Figure
ELotH:TES Canon
Serafina is introduced in Book 5, and also plays a major role in the
events of Book 6.
We first meet Serafina in Book 5 while she is working a booth at the
Job Fair in the Student Union Building at Institute Of Accoutermentia. She
was giving out free promotional bags of minor holding to promote
the bag makers guild.
“Well, hello there,” Felthar said to the cute young
undergrad. “What’s your name?”
”Serafina,” she said with a smile and she held out one
of her bags. “Free bag?”
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A dark shadow passed over Felthar’s face. He took a
step back, and then balled his fist and punched her,
hard in the nose. She crumpled to the ground, her
hands over her face, shrieking. Several students from
neighboring booths ran over to see what the commotion was all about.
”Serafina! Are you alright!?!” her friend said, kneeling
next to her.
Tears streaming down her cheeks she sobbed, “I think
he may have broken my nose.”
One of the older male students turned on Felthar,
“You nutfob arseholder! What’s the meaning of all this
then?”
Felthar looked taken aback. “Serafina, you say?” He
blushed. “I could have sworn she said Stefarina.”
Fan Art
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Somewhat Epic Trilogy: Hot
Times on Little Earth
A moderately successful science fiction trilogy purportedly written by
a disgruntled young Carry Elemenstor named Mycho Eharb. These books
detail the strange goings on in a world devoid of Elemenstation, where
all furniture has been reduced to the status of mere tools and decoration.
SET:HToLE (as the fans refer to it) is notable for two reasons. The
first is that, in this science fiction universe of Eharb’s creation, there
exists a fantasy epic called Epic Legends of the Hierarchs: The Elemenstor
Saga which Eharb uses as a device to cast his harsh judgement upon
many people and practices of Battal. The second point of interest is
that, although the books are extremely popular in Battal, the physical
objects themselves are never evident at any point in Tycho Brahe’s
cycle. Characters are often depicted as looking for the copy that they
thought they left right there and, in fact, it is occasionally suggested
that the books may not exist at all.
Shadia
One of the Twelve Realms. A small nation, Shadia was entirely
surrounded by tall Evergrowth Trees, casting it in eternal shade.
Unfortunately, this made it one of the first conquests of the Vampyric
Wars, and it fell in year 939 (TMSK).
Shadia was comfortably wedged between K’th’ith’h and The Kingdom of
Yymp in the southern half of The Shield. Its proximity to the ruined
gates of the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow contributed to the nation’s swift
descent into ruin and its
transformation into a barren swampland.
In addition to a large population of Men, Shadia was the original
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home of the Elf-Witches and Witch-Elves.
Cities of Shadia
•
•
Yore
Shenda
Shatterfrag
One of the basic-issue monsters of Battal, the Ubewe, was an unassuming and harmless monster, but after a hiccup in the breeding
cycle, the wee creatures gained the ability to transform their featureless morphic heads into alchemical explosives, which, upon exposure
to oxygen, detonated in a shower of razor-sharp fragments. The
shattered remnants of the shatterfrag’s body grows into large seed
pods, which birth more shatterfrags, and so on. The only way to
safely dispose of a shatterfrag is to use Fire, magical or not. They
were used extensively by Char Reyarteb, who used them as living
ordinance during his resurgence. Due to their prolific numbers, the
phrase Kill it with fire! was hurled about with considerable frequency,
and later became a catch phrase. For example:
“Damn, I think my wife has a PMS. How can I get her
to calm down?”
The man’s friend turned, smiling. “That’s easy. Kill it
with fire.”
”Who’s the ‘it’ here, my wife or the chitinous monstrosity lurking beneath my house?”
His friend shrugged. “Whichever’s better for you.”
”My wife it is,” he said, staring longingly at the
conveniently-placed barrel of kerosine near the
tavern’s exit.—from Book 8.
Sierra Vanity
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The main protagonist of Book 10. Sierra Vanity dies in the openings
of Book 12, though her son, Ronard the Medium restores the Ronard
Dynasty in the same book.
Early Days
In the year 23,354, Sierra Vanity was a teenager when she inherited
the Old House of Eyekia Lane after her long-lost great-uncle died and
willed it to her. Little did she know the history of the house, or how
this seemingly insignificant house would cause her to become
involved in one of the most Epic of all the Epic struggles Battal had
ever seen.
Guddboy Lad and The Old House
Through a series of adventures with the kitchen boy Guddboy Lad,
Sierra soon discovered that the old house was, in fact, imbued with
the terrible dread power of long-forgotten dark lord Char Reyarteb; it
was just as the Elemenstor master Ubrith had suspected. This in and of
itself was a manageable situation for the Elementstors, for the spirit of
Reyarteb was still deep in slumber somewhere within the house.
Unfortunately, Sierra somehow screwed things up and accidentally
awakened said spirit during an impromptu wet-cloak contest at the
house.
The Gathering Storm
Brought together by the gathering storm of darkness over the land of
Battal (not to mention Guddboy’s incoherent but romantic babblings), Sierra and Guddboy fall in love, and at the beginning of Book
11, we find that they are now wed and have a son by the name of
Ronard (Ron, for short). As the tale continues, Ron grows up into
young adulthood. The Companionship of the Elemenstors reconvenes, and
as the evil continues to spread across the land, the Elemenstors soon
realize that the epicenter of the evil in the old house is, in fact, the
enigmatic kitchen doorknob. Sierra, Guddboy, and Ron, find that
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their destiny is inextricably linked to the house and the coming war for they must return to the house to retrieve and vanquish the
doorknob once and for all (by throwing it in the trash, of course)
while the Elemenstors do battle with the forces of evil springing up
around Battal. Alas Sierra and Guddboy once again inexplicably screw
up, when all they had to do was “just throw the dang thing away”, as
Ubrith and the rest of the Companionship of the Elemenstors had instructed them.
Her Tragic End
Tragically, at the first of the climactic seventeen final battles of the
Hierarch Wars - the Battle of the Moonlit Banners - Sierra is killed in a
betrayal engineered by the Dark Elemenstrix Kapybara. Ron and
Guddboy vow revenge over her lifeless body, this setting up events
for a final confrontation with Reyarteb at the last of the seventeen
battles - the Battle of Freedom’s Peril.
Fan Art
(Guys, it’s been a while since I’ve read Books 10-12 - I’m
blanking on a lot of the details, please help)
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Simon the Severe
A short story taking place between Book 5 and Book 6, regarding a
Furniliar Bookshelf named Simon who learns High Elemenstation by
reading the vast tomes contained within his own body. Considered
anachronistic and vaguely sacriligious to hardcore fans, because
Simon performs the ritual of Transchanting on himself, thereby igniting
a Chicken/Egg debate about which came first, Transchanting or
Furniliars.
Also known as “Simon the Furni-Pated”
It is thought that the story of Simon was inspired by the original story
of Jonathan, the throne that was his own furniliar, which appeared in
the first set of the CCG in 1989, and was cut from an early draft of
the Elemenstor Radio Dramas.
Single Author Theory
The Single Author Theory is a reactionary school of thought that
maintains that contrary to the elaborate conspiracy theories of the
Fans for a True Tycho Brahe Epic (FfaTTBE), the Epic Legends
Of The Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga was penned in its entirety by
Tycho Brahe. Although several strange circumstances do surround the
series, including the variation of stylistic tendencies in the writing and
thematic differences that are only loosely tied together, especially
towards the end of the Saga, Single Author Theorists claim that this
alone does not demonstrate that the entire series was not written by a
single man. They also point to the extremely erratic and often
incoherent Book 13 of the series, the drinking and pill binge of 1997, and
other apparent unspeakable events in Tycho’s life as evidence of the
author’s eventual mental breakdown.
Rather than taking the approach of the FfaTTBE, Single Author
Theorists speculate that Tycho likely suffered from several mental
disorders, including potentially attention deficit disorder, manicdepressiveness, schizophrenia, augmented of course by his alleged
drinking habit. Any or all of these conditions, Single Author
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Theorists claim, could well explain both the strange pattern of the
books and the willingness of the author to support ill-advised
marketing schemes, including the widely-despised Wizbits side-story.
Although there is no single unified approach taken by Single Author
Theorists, all tend to embrace some aspect of the theory. The general
consensus is that although Tycho Brahe was a beloved and masterful
author responsible for one of the greatest fantasy epics of all time,
like all true geniuses he was also a deeply disturbed man. Whatever
unimaginable demons lurk within the complex mind of Tycho Brahe,
both Single Author Theorists and the FfaTTBE do agree on one
thing: the Elemenstors Saga could not have been possible without his
unique inspiration.
Sjkarblae
Pronounced in Plaincommon as Zha-bley. Plain common lacks a phonetic
equivalent to the proto-sound indicated by “Sjk”. The term is generally pluralized
in colloquial plaincommon.
General
One of the four original Most Discerning Races, the Sjkarblae were
initially unhappily located in the Vale of Eir.
Directly after the Darkstorm, the Sjkarblae reappeared in time-space,
worshipping Gespeshio’s Globule Vivific. They then disappear from the
record, but relatively soon afteward, the Ecreekem appear, and are
called forth from the Plains of Estereem to worship Gespechio, the
progeny of Gespeshio. The Ecreekem were almost certainly a result of
a “union” between Skjkarblae and Furniture, which Gespechio somehow
transforms into a self-constructing line of beings. As such, some
Furnies dress in attire that they imagine to be that of the Sjkarblae as
part of their disgusting furniture play.
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Apparent Descendents
The various races of elves, including The Low-Elves, the Dim Elves, the
Witch-Elves, and even The Completely Ordinary Non-Elves are thought to
have unusually large amounts of Sjkarblae ancestry. In the case of The
Completely Ordinary Non-Elves, this may account for their desire to
transform their identity; many pre-op Non-Elves have shrines to
Gespeshio in their boudoirs.
The Slightly Older Ones
These foes only told of in the legends of the Mean Elves is said to rule
the Darkunder.
Cheifing over the countless minions of the under-underworld they
rule the darkness with an Iyorn fist. (Or claw, tentacle, tendril or pincer.
Nobody is quite sure and it differs from which Mean Elf is doing the telling.)
“It is lucky for you that we have accompanied you
Overworlders into The Underdeep,” said Cutter Glade,
“for great are the perils of this land.”
”Yeah, a bat-mouse was kind of hovering around my
face earlier, and it was really creeping me out.” said
S’yrf’yl.
”Do not mock us, fuzzball!” snapped Healix Freena,
“for there are far fouler things lurking in the darkness
than you have seen, where the Slightly Older Ones
watch with a thousand eyes, gnashing their maws of
razor-sharp teeth and polishing the mighty claws and
pincers that protrude from their massive tentacles!”
Quailheart snorted in contempt and rolled his eyes.
”You Vanilla Elves know nothing of the Empire of
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Dark,” growled Freena, jumping in front of Quailheart
and drawing close to his face, “For here from every
corner the wailing of tortured souls can be heard if
one listens closely enough... if one has attuned
themselves to the cries of the ancients with steel and
leather.”
S’yrf’yl leaned in and whispered into Quailheart’s ear:
“Dude... I think she’s hitting on you.”—from The Dawn of
Unlight’s Setting, Part 2: Victory’s Deathknell
If the Slightly Older Ones exist (which any Mean Elf is sure to try to
convince you of) they possibly are a few very old Dyemons or perhaps a
few remaining Encients, living deep underground.
Other than Mean Elf sources, there are few other documented
references to the Slightly Older Ones. One prominant non-mean elf
quote is a quote captured from the Eldritch Beings Beyond Comprehension
by a young Elemenstor.
“Dude...the Slightly Older Ones...those dudes are
like...totally old...and totally harshing my buzz.”
-Mashmakhazghanyanu (Who later vomited acid on the
unlucky Elemenstor’s shoes.)
Smug Ape
The Smug Ape is simian named for its smug expression and superior
attitude. These characteristics nearly lead to its extinction after the
species discovery, as men felt threatened by their attitude and
perceived sexual prowess.
The species was saved from the brink of death by the discovery that
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as a familiar they give their Mage or Elemenstor an increased virility
and an increased sense of self worth.
Rumors persist that the influence of these familiars led to the
creation of the often looked down upon Wasted Elemenstors
For an example of this one needs look no further than the disastrously famous Turnum and his “Master” Dogus Brankorking.
The bastard offspring of an encounter between a smug ape and a
buffalo produced the Wang Kingdom crossbreed known as the Wangalo,
which, if it’s even possible, is even more smug than a smug ape,
wearing its cocky smile on its turgid shaft-skull.
Sotar Olderndirt
19,967 - 20,146
Sotar was already of middle age when he was first taught the secrets
of High Elemenstation, and was able to see the future and the past. He
gave up his mind and his life in an Epic struggle to prevent an army
of War Men from being reborn at Wang’s Peak while Steppy and
Gavment are attempting to prevent Yoxor Xxar from destroying the
other Elemenstors with the added might of the Doomblade. Sotar’s
Furniliar is named Bom.
The creepy old-man love scene he has with Steppy was in many
peoples’ opinions, the least cool thing in Curse of the Doomblade.
References:
Book 4 of The Elemenstor Cycle
The Spaghetti Plane
Back to Planes
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The Spaghetti Plane is the highest of the many planes of Elmether. It
is a plane outside the flow of time, and it is so named because of how
all the various threads and strands of time look when viewed from
the Spaghetti Plane. During the Hierarch Wars, this plane was known
as the Place of Long Lines, and the Elemenstor Zuumont was exiled
here for a short time.
The plane is the home of the secret orginization called the Chronoclave,
who swear to protect time itself. Their headquarters are located on
the western part of the plane. (At least, the western part of the plane
as mapped by Verdant Anuerism in the lost tome Atlas to the Elmether.
The plane is said to defy mortal senses of direction).
It is a common misconception that Levitating Pasta Fiends spawn here.
This is incorrect, although many use it as a hunting ground, attracted
by the presence of the Chronoclave.
When an Elemenstor visits the Spaghetti Plane, he forces a small
bubble of it into linear perception, causing a great disturbance. Thus,
only powerful Elemenstors may visit the plane, and they are not
welcome for long. Still, the Chronoclave are not openly hostile to
visitors from beyond, and can be quite helpful (as demonstrated in
the Hierarch Wars).
A constant or instantaneous battle is waged on the Spaghetti Plane
between Chronosorcellors associated with the Chronoclave and Rogue
Chronosorcellors. As all parts of this battle are going on at every
moment, so when linearizing moments of the plane, one side or
another may suddenly be winning. Unprepared visitors may find
themselves allied with a losing side if they are not careful.
Verdant Anuerism claimed that the Chronoclave are the victors of this
battle, but, whatever form this victory takes, it is not perceivable to
those who enter it.
The Forever Road can be found on a mind-numbing plinth near the
center of the plane, so approximately where-ever.
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Spaghetti Westerns
A classification of fan fiction that involves inserting meddling by the
Chronoclave in places where they did not canonically meddle.
Named thusly because the Hall of the Chronoclave is situated on the
western edge of the Spaghetti Plane. In addition to this reasoning,
someone may have also thought that they were being particularly
clever.
A (Necessarily) Incomplete List of Spaghetti Westerns written by a
cavelcade of internet authors:
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•
•
•
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Harbinger Portent vsthe very well recieved Destiny of the Strands of Fate
Chronosorcellors F*ck the Timeline
Places Lopae Shouldn’t Be
Proposal 2
spica
•
pronounced sp-eye-ka
A substance related to the eulithian spirits as a body is related to a
soul. It plays a role in the timesorc’ley practiced by Chronosorcellors
that is not entirely dissimilar to the role played by rubian in the
art of High Elemenstation. However, spica is necessarily consumed
in its use and has a number of unfortunate side effects, including
dizziness, nausea, suicidal thoughts, an elongation and thinning
of bodily features, and is highly addictive. It also tends to make
Chronosorcellors reek strongly of spica which practically oozes from
their pores.
Spica can also be used to make containers of epic holding; during the
period of The Resundering disposable containers of this nature
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were in such widespread use that there was much talk of an
eventual exhaustion of spica supplies.
Tiny amounts of spica can be used in the brewing of Magical
Potions, to give them a distinctive flavor and aroma, but nothing
else.
Spica Mines
Mines from which the coveted resource spica is drawn. Primarily
distributed in desert regions, there are also legends of underwater
mines. Mining of spica even under the most stringent of controls
nonetheless creates some spatiotemporal rifts. This partially explains
why children were permitted to work in spica mines long after they
were prohibited from working in Apostrophine mines; it was simply
impossible to demonstrate that an individual emerging from the mine
as a child had begun the day in the same state.
It is conjectured that the first of the spica mines was the Grotto of Woe.
Spica Wars
Overview
The Spica Wars refers to the period of time between The Longest
Moment in 9473 and The Sundering in 10435. This was a chaotic
transitional period after the Magic Sword Kings had fallen. The Magic
Sword Kingdom split against itself, Men became divided amongst
themselves and eventually even Battal itself divided. It was epicasmic!
After King Ronard’s line failed, the world plunged into war. During
this time no one group held power; control of the land was chaotically divided between the Chronosorcellors led by Yar the Sorcerial, the
Elemenstors, the shattered remains of the Magic Sword Kings, the
Albrosian Alliance founded by Vaxin the Tiny, and the Ottoman Empire.
It was a period of constant warfare over resources, primarially spica,
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but to a lesser exent Rubian, Meteoric Iron, Elemenstronium, Eyuda, and
Elemenstorial Salt. Often these resources were used as currency.
In the end, Yar the Sorcerial tricked Prince Zonard into war entering an
all-out war against him. The epic struggle between them unleashed
Unbelievably Potent Magical Energies, which formed an Eldritch Rift
that tore the world apart. This event, known as The Sundering, marked
the end of the age, and the end of the world as it was known. The
world would not be made whole again for over two millenia, when
Harbinger Portent, using the Starborn Gem, was to unleash the forces
that would cause The Unsundering and the Century of Fire.
Timeline Events
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
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9,473 - Yar the Sorcerial enchants Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer (now known simply as Ronard’s Very
Large Enchanted Spikey Hammer), with the enchantment of
“perpetually smelling of peanuts”, which made it utterly useless to the line of Magic Sword Kings(who suffered a heriditary
weakness to the quaternary element peanut).
9,473 - The death of King Fonard and the ensuing fight to
the death of all his children except Julipon. This tradgedy,
combined with the loss of Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer brings the reign of the Magic Sword
Kings to a close.
9476 - Vaxin the Tiny forms her band of adventurers/admirers and takes part in many epic exploits.
9,481 - Vaxin reorganizes her motley crew into an itinerant
army of roguish good intentions.
9,485 - Vaxin the Tiny and Rothgar the Vaxin-Marryer
marry, thus cementing the Albrosian Alliance.
9,510 - Yar the Sorcerial captures the fledgling kingdom of
Ezermethalon and begins a constant campaign of war.
9,519 - Vaxin the Tiny and Rothgar, Yar-fighter are killed by
Yar the Sorcerial in battle.
9,601 - Osmond the Ottoman takes absolute control of the
Ottoman Empire.
9,825 - For one month all aliances dissolve and literally everyone is at war with everyone. This is know as The Smotening.
•
•
•
9.838 - The last High August Jade Lotus Emperor Chad
Shinjuko dies.
10,159 - Rdclslcmplxnm the Unprouncable dies, choking during
an attempt to say his own name on a dare.
10,429 - The fragile and temporary Peace Treaty of 10,429 is
established, thus ending the Spica Wars.
Spiral Doom
Spiral Doom was one of The Eight Elemental Constructs, representing
the perverted force of elemental Air.
Spiral Doom could take three different forms. The first was simply
that of an invisible force, though this was its weakest ‘stealth’ form.
The second was that of a swirling dark vortex that would buffet its
foes with epic gusts and shoot lightning at them. The third - and
most epic - of its forms was that of a fine blueish mist, which would
attack its enemies from without and within by seeping into their
lungs and choking them.
First appearing in Book 10, Spiral Doom was the first Construct
unleashed by the Dark Elemenstors as they prepared to restore Char
Reyarteb to power, though we don’t know it’s true nature until Book 11
where the other seven Constructs are introduced. The Construct
actually has a showdown with the Elemenstors Ubrith and Jarvelos. It’s
an epic battle, but Spiral Doom is victorious, killing Jarvelos with it’s
deadly mist form, and disappearing into the sky booming with
mocking laughter.
This of course sets up Ubrith, who vows to avenge her fallen lover,
to have a second climactic battle with the Construct of Air. Indeed
she spends much of Book 11 searching for the fiendish Elemental.
Unfortunately, the plot was never resolved. Ubrith doesn’t even
appear in Book 12.
Some rumours suggested that the plot was originally a major thread
in Book 12, but ended up being cut for space. The Fans for a True
Tycho Brahe Epic (FfaTTBE) choose to see this glaring omission as
further proof that Tycho Brahe was not the only writer working on the
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epic. Still more rumours have circulated that The Fourteenth Manuscript
contained a side plot that would wrap up this thread, as Ubrith had
become one of the more popular characters in the series, and to have
so blatently dropped the plot was confusing to most.
Ultimately, Spiral Doom is never killed in the main series due to this
rather glaring oversight, much to the dissatisfaction of many a fan.
Squidgy
Squidgy is the woodworm of Abercrombie, the accidental furniliar of
Semmellhalt, the squire of Doric, the knight of Gimba, the principal lady
of Terle and the first female Terleian. Squidy played a brief but vital
role in the deposing of Dorc the Incontinent before he became the
woodworm of Abercrombie. In addition, he was often drunk, due to
the various alcohols and intoxicating liquors stored within Abercrombie. These would soak the wood that Squidgy ate, although he
often bypassed the wood altogether and went straight for the rum.
This probably led to Rum Ol’ Phil, Squidgy’s imaginary friend.
Ssskssenek
Introduced in Tycho Brahe’s Book 4 and appearing in the Tides of Epic
Conflict Saga, the Ssskssenek are a very kind and peace-loving race.
They look similar to weasels but can be up to 7 feet tall when
standing fully upright. They rarely do so, prefering to arch their backs
into more comfortable positions. Their other notable feature is their
two heads. About two thirds up their body, their neck splits and
forms two elongated heads. Whether or not each head has its own
mind has yet to been confirmed. Some are portrayed as having both
heads work in concert, even in speaking at the same time. Others
seen to have both their heads seperated in action but united in their
cause. Finally a few are shown as having their heads work against
each other, often bickering like old married couples.
The Ssskssenek are the first to be attacked by the evil Yoxor Xxar and
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his Evilnors. At first they attempt to hide within their city but Gavment
manages to convince them to fight for their home. It turns out that
the venom produced by the Ssskssenek’s cheek glands is extremely
potent against Evilnors and the battle is turned into a complete rout,
ending the Evilnor threat forever.
Unfortunatly the Sssksseneks are rarely seen in the later books. They
are mentioned on book 9 as one of the races to be swept aside by the
Rhaja Lord. In book 10, Sierra Vanity is sold an apple by a Ssskssenek
merchant. Finally, in book 13, chapter 7 there is a long section that
consists of nothing but repetitions of the letters S, K, and E, with the
occasional N. “Ssskssenek” appears there several times.
They live in an underground city named Ssskssenekland.
Ssskssenekland
An underground city beneath the sandstone mountain of Mount
Which-Cannot-Move-But-Does. Home of the Ssskssenek, described as “A
stunningly beautiful city filled with all manners of nooks and
crannies.”
The unique architecture of marble and sandstone was crafted by
Ssskssenek artisans over the course of 30 generations. Gavment comes
to the city and marvelling at the wonders and the obvious strength
and dedication of the peoples, convinces the Ssskssenek to fight
against the Evilnors in Book 4.
In Book 9 it is mentioned in passing that Ssskssenekland was
decimated by the Rhaja Lord.
Staffmaestro Rodney
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In Book 3 he teaches Gavment how to use and pose with the deadly
Battlestaff
The Starborn Gem
The most powerful artifact in the universe, and its impact on Battal.
The Anvil and its Splinter
Forged by the Hierarchs, the Oculus Omnipotens was indeed a
marvelous artifact, seemingly sentient in being and quite intelligent.
The strange, ancient language of the stars pulsated across the rubyred jewel, and its magik force so incredible as to drive those not
powerful enough to look upon its sixteen external faces completely
insane. The very shape of the jewel is indescribable, as it’s very form
is dependant on the angle from which the viewer looks at it.
The Oculus Omnipotens contained a great deal of knowledge
(possibly infinite), attained through its previous travels throughout
the universe. However, there was a single entity within the gem that
did not believe this collection of knowledge to be logically—and
morally—correct. Aklom Reklats, one of many entities within the
Oculus Omnipotens, argued that it was “unfair to withhold so much
knowledge from the world, when it is the right of all to receive
knowledge”. This did not go well with Reklats’ brethren, known as
the Starchildren, and thus Reklats was expelled from the jewel. Reklats
would never again see the sixteen faces of the Oculus Omnipotens.
Discovery and Reinvention
The Oculus Omnipotens continued to withhold knowledge from the
universe. In fact, to the one who allegedly uncovered it first in the
Unothath Desert, the Harbinger Portent, it gave only a fraction of its
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wisdom. To Portent, the Starborn Gem, as it came to be called, gave
the knowledge of High Elemenstation, a force that the great Harbinger
felt was the strongest he had ever seen in his life. Little did he know,
however, that this power was far from the greatest that the Starborn
Gem had to offer—and thus, the Harbinger was content with what
he had, and proceeded to use his newfound knowledge for his own
means.
With his newly acquired gem, which Harbinger Portent crafted onto
the top of his Elemenstave, Harbinger Portent invoked the power to
transform inanimate objects into incarnations of small fractions of
the Starborn Gem’s power. An example of this was Portent’s student,
Char Reyarteb’s, staff’s transformation into a large serpent. After
Reyarteb fell to evil and smote his teacher, Portent’s relatively strong
connection to the Starborn Gem allowed him to revive life within The
Shield and The Sickle.
Pawns and Knights
The Starborn Gem’s last usage was by Char Reyarteb in 17,910, who
used its energies to rid himself of his mortal coil and create—from
what he thought was a barren excuse for a world—a completely new
realm for his liking. The Starborn Gem offered its unknowing pawn
legions of soldiers to conquer the world in exchange for Reyarteb’s
total obedience, and thus began the reign of Reyarteb—and further
up, the domination of the Starborn Gem over all of Battal.
When Reyarteb was defeated by four teenagers with unprecedented
power granted to them by Aklom Reklats and The Ocumen, however,
the now-heavily damaged Starborn Gem found solace within the very
depths of Battal’s earth. To the present, the Gem lies, waiting until it
can find another, perhaps more powerful, candidate for its ultimate
goal: the absorption of all knowledge, and thus power, within
Battal—and the many worlds beyond.
Miscellaneous Information
•
It is believed by many that the killer of the famed creator of The
Shoe Masterpiece’s evidence clerk for the theft of the piece, John
Dolan, was in fact the Starborn Gem.
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- It should be noted that Aklom Reklats still exists as the most
powerful holder of the remainder of the Starborn Gem’s power,
although Reklats is unaware of it.
Steppy Rayling
Steppy is the niece of Gavment Rayling, and appears in Book 4 of The
Elemenstor Cycle as a young maiden. She spends the first half of the
book trying to motivate her uncle to stop drinking and go save the
world. This is especially odd, as it is shown over and over again that
the precocious maiden is actually much more powerful at Fire
Elemenstation than Gavment is. Nevertheless, for reasons that are
never fully explained, she feels that she has to persuade Gavment to
go save the world again rather than just using the Bag of the Endless
Void herself.
The second half of the book is even more disturbing, as having
successfully motivated Gavment to go fight Yoxor Xxar and his
Doomblade, she then goes to motivate Sotar Olderndirt to defeat the War
Men amassing at Wang’s Peak. She then falls in love with Sotar, or at
least has an affair with him. She’s right there in the room when his
death is announced and doesn’t ever stop her annoyingly upbeat
dialogue style.
Book 5 mentions that Steppy had a daughter from the affair with
Sotar, whom she also named Sotara. Sotara Rayling grows up into a
fine young woman who falls in love with a professor named Garbus
Scrooble. Their son, Profineous, grows up to be the headmaster at
Institute Of Accoutermentia. (see Headmaster Scrooble)
Her furniliar is Colonel McAllister, a Cloak Rack.
Fan Art
By Dryope
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By Rhok
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Stoutback
Stoutback is the captain of the Chair Brigade. Despite his gruff
demeanor and entirely evil aims, Stoutback is not entirely unreasonable and does not believe in excessive senseless violence. His second
in command is Straightleg, and the two of them are responsible for
leading the Chair Brigade for a currently unknown force.
Straightleg
Straightleg is the second-in-command of the Chair Brigade, a group of
thug-like chairs. Straitleg attempts to do things “by the book,” and is
often trying to impose new regulations on the Chair Brigade. Misinterperting an order to try not to allow excessive wanton violence,
Straightleg imposed a kidnapping and beating quota. This led to the
capture of Serafina Haberdasheron, but many suspect darker forces were
at work that led to her capture, as the coincidence is simply too great.
Sw’ftfl’w River
Sw’ftfl’w River originates near the Grotto of Woe, and has been
inexplicably linked to events concerning mines throughout the
history of Battal. Beginning with the river’s origins at the rumored
first spica mine, the Sw’ftfl’w River flows near the abandoned mines
of Valedaleglenhill, first introduced in Book 7. Many considered this a
coincidence until it was noted that the river also flows near Apostrophine sources such as G’nth’l. A sect of river-bound people, named the
Sw’ftfl’woots, faithfully row back and forth, day after day, looking for
any precious minerals that was their way through the river’s often
swift rapids.
The river seems to encounter mines, minerals, and gems wherever it
flows. Some speculate that the powerful but corrupting power of
Vhadxi damned the river when he dammed it, causing it to seek
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precious metals and gems or maybe create them from the very earth
it traverses. Much of the wealth of the river is concentrated in the
mines it passes or is picked up by the Sw’ftfl’woots, but many maintain
that undiscovered veins of rich metals remain in areas beneath or
around the river.
Tentacled Ancient Beast Yamshothog
Tentacled Ancient Beast Yamshothog (aka the Thing What Ate Olde
Rivdellshire), perhaps a member of The Eldritch Beings Beyond Comprehension like Tamflaggdrmg of the Multiple Mouth-Eyes, dwells in the highest
reaches of the multicosm, where only beings whose single thoughts
stretch across aeons do dwell. Her preferred physical form is that of a
shelled mollusc with seven tentacles (one for each of the Seven Lost
Emotions), which was the inspiration for the Yammie plushie, but the
beast may adopt any damn shape she wishes.
It is said that in his youth, the famous Harbinger Portent grappled with
Yamshothog (who appeared in the form of a grievous wound on the
side of a mid-size mountain), felled one of her tentacles, and released
the then-forgotten emotion of “insouciance” upon the world. Yamshothog then revealed to Harbinger Number 3,895,074 of the Many
Secrets, a recipe for a particularly decadent (and, when overcooked,
mildly maddening) Bugleberry truffle.
Terle
Terle is in the northern part of The Shield, rather than being a
kingdom, it is rather a geographic region. At various times the area
was united under a single government that usually gave itself the
name Terle (such as during the Rise of the Elemenstors Period),
but those governments were quick to come and go. The Terle
449
geographic region itself was one of the first to be named in Battal,
referring to the eastern regions of The Northern Vale and the
northern regions of Atlantistantinople. Terle takes its name from the
word “Terr’le” in the Arcane Elvin Language, meaning “windy plains”.
The first governmental body to refer to itself as Terle by name was
the First United Republic of Terle, founded in year 3,513 (TMSK),
which at the time was formed from the northern part of the Ruins of
Blee, along with much of what was called Shattered Kelembad.
This area that features, as its inhabitants, mostly Terleians. A number
of other populations inhabit Terle too, and they are known as Terles.
Often Terleians are referred to as Terles, but not always.
A popular rhyme goes like this: “A Terle girl will take you for a whirl,
but a Sw’ftfl’woot girl will give you the world.” Scholars maintain the
rhyme may have changed from its original form, which explains why
such a horrible rhyme caught on at all.
The Terle region is home to Lol’thoriun, one of the oldest Elvin cities.
In later years, its western extent was demarcated by the borders of
the The Kingdom of Ezermethalon.
In southern Terle during the time of the Rise of the Elemenstors,
there is a village named Walnut Grove, which was an entire village of
Free Furniliars.
Important Locations in Terle
Cities
•
•
•
Lol’thoriun
Trembaloo
Rof’lhoriun
Villages
•
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Yalka
•
•
Pormora
Walnut Grove
Rivers
•
Everflow Stream
(more are listed on this wiki than I’ve mentioned here)
The Accursed Lake
Originally a large and profitable spica quarry, in year 3,743 (TMSK) the
quarry filled with water after an underground spring was tapped into
by the errant miner, Thule Runderkrust. By year 4,020 (TMSK) the
body of water had come to be known as The Accursed Lake, the
waters were rumored to be infused with some of the properties of
spica, and thus were perilous to navigate, let alone consume.
The steely courage of the Ferry Men (not to be confused with Fairy
Men) of The Accursed Lake, and their skills at raftery, were
renowned throughout the twelve realms of Antior.
The Unsundered, Harbinger Portent, was one such ferry man for
several years as a young man.
The lake is just south of the Grotto of Woe, the original spica mine of
which the quarry was originally a part.
The Adventures of Isaac and
Raven
A CG animation following Isaac Purcheron and Raven Darkblood after
their quest as the children of Valedaleglenhill, when Isaac is a manly 20
and Raven is a disturbingly sexy 15-yr-old.
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A series of 5-minute shorts shewn on a Japanese cable station, the
series is an ongoing and reasonably well-recieved show (at least
judging by the ammount of fan-pornography based on the disturbinglysexy Raven).
The first season is being compiled into 13 25-minute episodes for
release on DVD.
Mini Episode Guide
Episode
001
002
003
004
005
006
007
008
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Episode Title
Exploring the Forgotten Kingdom
Where Once A Desert Bloomed
The Witch of the Enchanted Forest
Crossing the Great Grasslands
The Badger, Encounter with a Band of Theives
The Mysterious Vortex and the Valley of the Giants
Centaurs, Ride North!
The Sorcerer of the Frozen Wastes
009
010
011
012
013
Returning Home and Resting
Changlings, The Persecuted Tribe
The Secret of the King
Lizardmen Attack
This Armor is Fantastic!
The Allied Troll and Ogre Door
Guarders and Footmen Union
A very loose association of the overlarge races, often pressed into
service as the “muscle” in the more urban regions of Battal. An initial
fee of a goat, and monthly dues of a small amount of silver secure a
locker for you in the local Allied Union Hall, as well as access to an
Advocate Barrister, employed by the union.
An interesting recent trend has been that smaller races have begun
joining to take advantage of the lunch discount offered in many
shops to members. As a result it is not unusual to see tiny Leprechauns
with membership cards, getting cheap soup at the corner deli.
The Ambulatator
The Ambulatator is the strangest of The Eight Elemental Constructs,
representing the perverted elemental force of Stream.
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Appearing as a giant agglomeration of living furniture, The Ambulatator would move through cities and towns, absorbing inanimate
furniture to its ever-growing mass. Some theorize that this terrible
Construct may have grown to truly epic proportions if it hadn’t been
slain during the return of Cubby during the fifth of the seventeen final
battles, the Battle of Splinters.
The Ambulatator is one of the three Constructs which is actually
killed off in the series, the other five are never truly dealt with in the
end.
The Ambulatory Dresser that
Shouted I at the Heart of the
World (世界の中心でアイを叫んだ徒歩の鏡台
世界の中心でアイを叫んだ徒歩の鏡台)
世界の中心でアイを叫んだ徒歩の鏡台
**Super ElamenSTAR FINAL Episode 526
Aired 6th January, 2001**
Summary
The Ocumen’s first plan to destroy Char Reyarteb has failed, instead
putting Battal on the way to destruction with no chance to survive or
make their time. The Ocumen’s new plan? By using timesorc’ley, he
explains, the Four Underdogs can rewind time to before Char’s defeat,
avoiding the destruction of the Starborn Gem. But once they’ve done
this, they must erase their own memories, otherwise they will simply
repeat the same mistake. Instead, the Ocumen will leave clues
throughout Battal for the Four to stumble upon, and set them on the
right path to separate Char from the Gem, and free Battal from his
reign of terror. But the Four must erase all memory of each other and
of their past together. They will have to meet again, for the first time,
and forge friendships anew. This is most difficult for Lander and Zula,
who having finally realized their feelings for each other must now
erase them and start all over.
454
After confronting their memories and preparing themselves for the
road ahead, they join hands, and are launched from the floating
fortress back to their homes. As they streak across the sky, magic
emniates from them, erasing the memories of all those they encountered.
The final few minutes of the series show each of the Four Underdogs
back at home, as ordinary people, with a lump of shiny rock they
know nothing about. Their lives are back to ordinary, but Zula looks
into her rock, and sees the face of Lander. When a tear rolls down
her face, she wonders... who that face might be?
Back in the Forest of Forevergreen, the magic power rewrites the
engraving on the tombstone at The Tomb of the Unknown Familiars to
read: “To our friends. While they may be forgotten, their sacrifice
never shall be.”
But on the floating landscape, Char Reyarteb remains, the Starborn
Gem pulsing in his hand. He wonders how he got up here, and why
he has a strange sense of foreboding.
And floating amongst the Elmether, Aklom Reklats and Harbinger
Portent wait for the next time when the Four Underdogs’ gems and
the Starborn Gem will again by in synchronicity, and Char will be
defeated once and for all.
Notes
The infamous final episode of ElamenSTAR. Up unto this point, the
series was a straightforward action series; however, after reaching
writer’s block, the director of ElamenSTAR decided to mimic the
drinking and pill binge enacted by Tycho Brahe to better understand the
creative process he had undergone. After awakening in a filthy alley,
he transcribed his visions onto a slate of sheet rock and dragged the
slate into the office. With the deadline fast approaching, the low-cost
series finale went ahead with zero editing.
The Ambulatory Dresser that Shouted I at the Heart of the
World mostly consists of the main characters of ElamenSTAR being
confronted by the intense psychological problems neither seen before
nor mentioned in the rest of the series. As all of the characters
communicate only in thought, and the only speaker is off-screen the
entire episode, the majority of the series finale consists of the Wizbits
455
sitting in a folding chair under a spotlight, staring intently while
complaining about their post-traumatic stress disorder, or their
rampant kleptophilia, or how much they hated their father. It is
assumed that this portion of the episode represents the brainmanglement that is part and parcel with the Four Underdogs’ final Elemenstation.
The five minutes leading up to the final scenes of the episode
received 99% of the budget; the $50 animation has been described as
“inducing epileptic seisures in all viewers,” an accurate critique. This
portion was intended to represent the reality-warping power of
strong telesorc’ley.
Despite inducing terrible damage upon viewers (though not as
extensively as the original version of Wizbits: The Movie), the episode
endeared the series to Richard Jackson, who used The Dreaming Feculence
to tie the story into the main ELotH:TES canon.
Comments
I’m not sure which is worse... that this is the ending we got, or that so
many people claim it “makes sense” and is really “the pinnacle of the
series.” I am a huge fan of ElamenSTAR, and frankly this made me
cry. Well, you know, after the seizures. ~Kenneth Pike
I dunno, I still cry when I see the tombstone. I thought it was
brilliant. -ErMaC
The Bravery of the Doomed
A poem found in its entirety in Book 3 but quoted throughout the
cycle. It is first told by an unnamed person later revealed to be
Bendloyer Felkin.
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It concerns the heroics performed by those whose doom is imminent, and exalts their condition as being one of Vigorous Aliveness:
Even though we walk in shade, we darest feel no fear,
For though we’re damned and walk alone, we’ll give
them not a tear.
Though swords will cleave and hammers pound, and
maces crush and rend,
Each stroke of pain will drive us on, until that dismal
end
That lingers on at end of days, the fate we find alone
So praise the high and pass the bolt, we’ll fight them
to the bone
For though we’re damned and have no hope, we fight
much stronger still;
Those bastards, they’ll regret the day they fought us to
the till.—an unidentified bard, Book 3
The Coast of Exotic Adventure
Also See: Wang Kingdom
The many port cities that dot the coast of the northern part of the
Wang Kingdom, along the Lie-Ju Sea, are home to tough gangster
organizations like the Octads, pirates with cool-looking eyepatches,
legendary drunken fighters, not-so-legendary drunken drunks, and, of
course, exotic and sensuous prostitutes. These areas include:
Towns/Villages/Seaports
•
Miyazaki
Islands
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•
•
Toriyama
Otoomo
The Dank
The Dank is a homely and quaint stretch of swampland inhabited by
the peaceful Tribbits of the Luskfish Clan (although their jealous sister
clan, the Slugdush, insist that the swamp is really more of a bog). Here
in this tranquil setting the Tribbits live simple lives as Mucksuckers,
scraping goop from the backs of grateful Dooblegnards. The Dank
has the honor of being the first setting explored in Book 1 of Brahe’s
masterful Elemenstors Saga as it is the original home of Horatio of
the Luskfish, and the place of his corruption by Bibee the Pixlie.
The Dank is located in the central lands of the ancient kingdom of
Ithbarg.
Generally looked down upon, it is a common saying in Battal,
“Nothing good comes from The Dank.”
The Dunce Cap of Shame
This cap looks so horrifyingly much like a fart that it brings shame to
all who wear it.
Mentioned in passing in Book 12
The Dyecast Nine
The Figurines
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Originally an add-on to the pnp-rpg, the dyecast figurines were meant
as a supplementary consumer gouging technique. The figurines added
nothing to the game play, and subsequent attempts to market them
failed.
The Story
The Unsung Story of The Dyecast Nine was created as a spinoff
story relating to the ELotH: TES - Pen and Paper RPG add-ons.
Written online by Tycho Brahe, the Choose your own Adventure style
story follows the adventures of the metalic group as they forge their
way to defeat a Burnanitor that has ravaged a small village in The Sickle
region of Battal.
A fun read if you can find it.
The Eight Elemental Constructs
The Eight Elemental Constructs were terrible, epic creatures
created by the Dark Elemenstors during the Hierarch Wars. They all
represented a twisted version of one of the eight elements, and were
unleashed upon the world to wreak havoc, and herald the return of
Char Reyarteb.
Each of these terrible elemental creations had their own unique
personality and abilities, and harried the heroes throughout the final
books of the series. Strangely, only three of them (The Ambulatator,
Black Flame and, ironically, Skullmar) are ever slain in the actual
book series, during the epic seventeen final battles at the end of Book 12.
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Colossius, Construct of Earth
Spiral Doom, Construct of Air
Glacios, Construct of Water and Ice
Black Flame, Construct of Fire
Vile Worm, Construct of Life
Skullmar, Construct of Death
The Ambulatator, Construct of Stream
459
•
Lift Maiden, Construct of Carry
The Four Vales
It is thought that The Four Vales were an alternative ur-formation of
the four elements that are known to consitute reality in Battal. The
exact constitution of the Vales is unknown, and so various formulations, all interchangeable, are used. The most popular formulation of
the Vales is: Vale of Farth, Vale of Wir, Vale of Airth, and Vale of Eir.
Nature of the Vales
It is not known if the four vales were each a literal valley in some sort
of unformed proto-battal, or if they were each (as is widely suspected) pocket dimensions which are referred to as vales in a merely
figurative sense.
The first mention of The Four Vales occurs in the Weighty Tome of
Elemenstor, which it is said will be available in its entirety in paperback
by 2008. Even a cursory perusal of the much-disputed first seven
verses of the Tome, which can be assembled from various references
throughout the series, gives a sense of the disturbing vagaries that
surround The Vales:
1 The Ununlight could hold itself no more ... in lichtless stupor it
rumbled a rumble that preceded the capacity to grumble. A chanting
disambiguation before speech: Ex Nihiloooom Disembruglioooom!
2 From whence an effulgence of effulgences, of teeth and gnashing
eyes, of gorpwracked darmscapes and forbidden corpuscles emerged:
Teh Word.
3 A hence forth, the first of the four hences, emerged from a nap.
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Whence Teh Word was spoken, henceforth a speaker unfathoms its
emergences: Prepare darkstorm, pre-grumbled lichtless stupor, The
Hierarchs are spoken.
4 And in the speaking from whence the Hierarchs circumpredicated
their existence, were the first Words of immortal beings “Behold the
Four Vales, for verily they art pleasing/havst been pleasing/willst be
pleasing to Ourselves.”
5 Yet the spark which they spoke knew not its light, nor could its
flow congeal. Rind and husk and quills and rust, the musk of
vap’rous shipwreck ales. Proclaim all vales for Furnishings! Proclaim
all vales for Kryatures! Proclaim all vales for sacred Sjkarblae!
Proclaim all vales for...
6 But what of their transmorph residues? In the interminable
intermixing, the endless length of nought, lethargic loneliness was
lapped in overlapping slop: the listless sleeping of the bottom, the
exhausted muscles of the top.
7 Dismaying at their illgrown gains, exhausted and krill, sloppy and
wroth, the Hierarchs intoned “Verily, the Vales of the non-Furniture
most assuredly hav’st made themselves unholy Shitholes of despair
and melancholia.” (Elemenstors 1:1-7)
So long as an understanding of the Vales was restricted to textual
interpretation, the nature of The Four Vales was long deemed an
object of idle speculation or a justification for wars based on
dogmatic conceptions of the Vales. Some headway has been made in
understanding them by Chronosorcellors associated with the Chronoclave
making use of Oraculation.
Each vale was home to one of the four Most Discerning Races, the first
races in the Elmether. The Darkstorm, however, transformed the Vales
from their primordial, promethean state into clearly defined elements,
461
and scattered the four races throughout time and space. Traces of the
Vales’ previous admixture are still experienced as hiccups in the
practice of Elemenstation; thus, Elemenstors can often be heard
mumbling, “What the Farth!” after the fizzling of a difficult transmorgification.
There is some confusion surrounding The Four Vales. The Four
Vales of ELotH:TES are sometimes confused with The Four Vales
of The Elspinster Saga, which freely plagiarized from and bastardized
key concepts and terms in ELotH:TES.
The Fourteenth Manuscript
A prevalent rumor in Elemenstor fandom is the existence of a
fourteenth book in the Elemenstor Saga to be published one year and
one day following the death of Tycho Brahe. Colloquially it is termed
“The Fourteenth Manuscript”. Written in simple, flowing script by
Brahe, it is said to bring the Cycle to a satisfactory close by tying
together every narrative thread from every work in the Elemenstor
Universe, including the fan fiction. Though there is no official word
on the existence of such a manuscript, neither Brahe nor Realmworlds Publishing have denied such a manuscript’s existence. At least
three employees of Realmworlds were lathed to death during one of
the few confirmed abductions carried out by the Dark Fourteen. Any
information gathered during the interrogations has not been shared
with the community, which has led to a certain amount of bad
feeling. The only evidence for its existence, a passing mention of “the
final papers” in Brahe’s divorce negotiation, is unclear and circumstantial at best.
Rumors of it’s contents fall into two catagories. The first is derived
by prescience based on previous texts and Aristolian aesthetics. This
prediction dictates that it is said to take place in the Year 40,000
(UPDATE: It would appear that the year 40,000 is copyrighted already, so I
guess TB is going to have to think of a new one.) and to culminate in a noholds-barred epic duel between Char Reyarteb and Harbinger Portent
atop a fiery volcano at the heart of The Starborn Gem for the Fate of
All Existence. Horatio the Tribbit (the main character from Book 1) is
rumored to be the narrator.
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The second set of rumors claims that some anonymous fan hired a
ninja who sucessfully managed to produce microfilm with the
document’s pages on it. This reported copy tells that a new epic
conflict where the Hierarchs attempt to recreate the world through
another Darkstorm. The High Elemenstors attempt to stop this by
awakening Aklom Reklats to his true power. After a battle halfway
though the book in which Ronard the Medium leads humanity, all
Battal’s living heros, and even many back from the grave; against the
minions of the Hierarchs. The battle rips the very fabric of the
universe to shreds. The second half of the book takes place in the
scattered shards of reality suspended in a sea of un-time. The events
in the reality shards involve the higher elemenstors, the Chronoclave and
even the seemingly lost littleosophers and lead to the creaton of
timesorc’ley, the eulithian resonance vector, and even possibly the Hierarchs.
All we fans can do is hope to live long lives so as to see the eventual
publication of “The Fourteenth Manuscript”.
-On the other hand, there is a faster way to find out...- The faster way
is by no way advocated by this wiki.
See also: Dark Fourteen
The Gouth
The Gouth are a tall and imposing race, often sought after as
mercenaries. They inhabit the Plane of Brooding Melancholia. However,
the Gouth vastly prefer poetry and making tiny gew-gaws to warfare.
Those wishing to enlist the Gouth in their conflicts must appeal to
their finer natures with performances of extemporaneous poetry and
gifts of beads, wire, and other gew-gaw-making materials. One must
always remain exceedingly polite, as well—the Gouth are sticklers for
manners. The Gouth language has over thirty modes of polite
address, which of which being determined by the relative rank of
one’s adressee and the ambient temperature (minus windchill).
The Gouth are not to be confused with the Ungouth, who were Gouth
corrupted by Char Reyarteb to serve as his personal guard. They are
incredibly fiesty and prone to conflict. They are also exceedingly
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rude, and impossible to assemble into a fighting force without half of
them killing the other half.
The Great War of the Warlords
The Great War of the Warlords, also known as the War where
Warriors Warred, occured between 13534 and 13556 (TU). Few
details of the actual war survive, except all of these: Elvern Thrice
Impaled, Dorak Quill-In-Eye, Narlon of the Eighteen Oozing Wounds, and
Marat Eater of Undercooked Fish argued over the way to split the bill at
a small restaurant in Quilpopolis. Narlon had paid for his portions in
Richards, the currency from his area, and apparently the unfavorable
exchange rate led to Narlon paying less than his portion. Bloodshed
ensued.
After years of bloody battle in which bloody battles were battled,
Harmak the Horny, an elder among the Quilp, was asked to mediate.
Harmak and Magasus Silver Spatula, the leader of the Warrior Chefs of
Battal, negotiated for weeks just to discover the source of the original
grievance. They succeeded where others had failed because Quilp are
excellent listeners, because most are blind, having lost their sight in
various Quilder related accidents. This makes them good negotiators,
but horrible at picking paint. Harmak, for instance, chose a color
called “Gravalakurtamania” for his ante chamber, and human visitors
for years clawed out their eyes in madness rather than gaze upon it.
Not much is known of Magasus except that it is likely that he forged
the Rusted Spoon of Discontent.
Harmak, once he understood the dispute was about money, was
greatly moved. Taking Quilder from his own back, he distributed
them to each of the warlords, except for Marat, who was ill, having
eaten an undercooked Fishy Trout the night before, and was unable to
attend the negotiations that morning. The Warlords were simultaneously delighted to be given Quilder worth far more than the amount
in dispute, and horrified by the accidents that befell each as they
traveled home. Marat later became a great warlord, though much
poorer than the estates of the other warlords.
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The Heirarch Wars: The Hidden And Very Dangerous Wars
Summary
This muddled and largely illegible offering purports to describe a
secret war that occurred somewhat earlier than the better-known
Hierarch Wars described in Book 10.
Timeline
Unknown - presumably set after Book 7 due to events set in and
around the corpse of the Tentacled Ancient Beast Yamshothog.
The Horseless Nomads of the
Chasm
Their war is unsung, their nation fully unknown. And yet, they fit in
to the story of one of the most unspeakable locations in all of Battal.
They are the Horseless Nomads of the Chasm. (Also the title of the
story in which they feature, in Book 13 and a Half.)
While their nomadic nation is unnamed, their battle, the Million Year
War, is well-known, if only for its hilarious futility and its ending in
the creation of an unspeakable scar on the face of Battal. It started,
aptly enough, over a conflict involving horses. Or rather, a lack of
horses.
The Horseless Nomads of the Chasm followed a religion known as
Fgsfds (pronounced fahquads). One of its most vital tenants is that of
Horsemanshipry, the idea that the blessed people must make their way
to the holy lands via the horse, most sacred of the “filthy hooved
monsters”. There is a laundry list of mild-to-servere emotional
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disorders expressed within Fgsfds. Anyhow, the gist of it is, the
Horseless Nomads need horses to do their ‘do, and they happened to
come from a nation referred to only as The Place What Contains Many
Things, But Notably, Not Horses.
Thus did the Horseless Nomads march out and kick some ass.
Or rather, that was the mission statement; the opposing nation, We
Got Horses, You Wanna Fight About It?, had horses, and thus cavalry,
and thus big, nasty, calvary-mounted weapons. The only advantage
they had over their opposition was in the realm of Sorcery, for they
packed so many sorcerers they scarce knew what to do with them.
Thus did it go, in a series of hot hot sorcerer-on-calvary action, for a
thousand years. The combat was somewhat poorly planned on both
sides, though, as the combat went down in a narrow cavern (really,
more of a chasm) where cavalry went relentlessly forward and
sorcerous attacks blasted friend and foe alike. Needless to say, the
dead piled up and fast.
Eventually, the Horseless Nomads found another thing they were
better at than the We Got Horses nation—namely, full-blown
Elemenstation, and quickly mastered a series of gears revolving around
the creation and control of hate spirits. Their advantage was held for
all of two weeks before the other side learned how to create hate spirits
as well, especially the king, who found himself good at doing so. Hate
spirits filled the skies, earth, under the abortive rivers within the
chasm... really, if it could be filled with things, it was s tuffed to the
gills with hate spirits. Eventually the hate reached critical mass,
creating an emotion-spirit implosion which, in turn, burthed the
Chasm of Eternal Sorrow. Both sides were wiped out in the resulting
garish explosion. The last-known words of the king, moments before
being consumed in the explosion, were, “How did I get to such an
unspeakable position with lulz, only lulz, as my guide?” These
haunting final words began dual traditions of blaming horrible events
on a want for schadenfreude and paraphrasing the man whose final
words somehow survived even when everybody within a 50-mile
radius of him did not.
“All in all, a pretty decent apocalyptic war leading to
the creation of a horror that plagues our world even to
this day. I give it six out of ten stars.” - Anonymous
historian
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Much of the story is relayed in Evolution of Eternal Sorrow.
The Kingdom of Parsonya.
The Kingdom of Parsonya is one of the Twelve Realms of Antior, and
lies near the southern horn of The Shield just north of Chasm of Eternal
Sorrow.
This unenviable proximity to such an evil and forboding place has
influenced the character of the entire land. The residents of Parsonya
are palid, somber, and morose to a man. There is an unusually high
percentage of those who choose professions such as mortician,
undertaker, and banker among the Parsonyans. This is why Low
Elemenstor Rosinquist is quoted as saying, “Cheer up lads! you look like
you’ve just been to Parsonya.” The similarly morose Invisigoths
dwelled near the northern border of Parsonya, but were not considered subjects of the Kingdom.
In the middle of the kingom is the capitol city of Parsonya is the citycastle DragonBone, which is connected to the port city of BashRock by
The Long Road, a fortified passage of transit with high 12 Blarn fences
passing on either side, the entire length of fence topped with living
RazorVine. The only place to stop and take lodging or refreshment
along the road is a gift shop, inn, trinket shop named Oblivion.
During the reign of Wraith-like Lord Greylord, later known “The
Thousand Year King”, The Kingdom of Parsonya fell to Vhadxi
during the Vampyric Wars in the year 924.
Reestablished in year 10,933 under the reign of the wise King
Goodlycooper, Parsonya is home to the Grimm Elemenstati Akademia, a
renowned boarding school for children with promising talent in
Elemenstation.
The Wizbits passed through the Kingdom of Parsonya in Season II:
Ep. 29, where they met Marcus, the kindly undertaker, who helped
them to escape from Garver Crypt in just the nick of time.
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In Southern Parsonya is the Dead Lands, a dry and rocky expanse
which, during unsundered periods, is the easiest crossing to scoot
around the southern tip of the mountains range containing Mount
Wor (anybody know the name of this range?) and get to The Sickle by
land.
Also found in this kingdom is the Black Forest of Much Blackness.
The Kingdom of Yymp.
The Kingdom of Yymp is one of the Twelve Realms of Antior, and
lies on the west coast of The Shield. Its territory begins just south of a
long mountain range known in Yymp as the Beutrafficades, extends
east to the Ap’str’ph’ Mountains and extends west to its barbarous
coast along the Unnamed Sea.
The Kingdom of Yymp fell during the Vampyric Wars in the year 942,
after the assasination of the final in a long line of increasingly
ineffectual Ruling Steward Earls, the worst of which being The
Steward Earl Stewart Earle Steward, the Earle of Steward
The southern lands of Yymp were dominated by a great Mist Sea
from which rose majestic plateaus like lonely islands in the fog. The
wide misted planes were all but inhabitable, as the fumes in the fogs
were said to drive man and beast alike to madness. Therefore the
populations atop the plateaus lived a scattered, solitairy agrarian life
among wheat fields blowing in the wind and livestock stabled in
simply constructed barns.
After the events of the Tales of Yorn, which culminate in year 18,526
(TLFotUM), the Mist Sea disapated and the rocky and barren grey
plains of Yymp slowly changed to grasslands. These grasslands were
known to be home to tribes of nomadic minotaur. Also, in southern
Yymp, the Dwimelvan’tesal make their home.
Living among the humans, but apart from them on the Great Plateaus
are the Grottolings, masters of the primal Shamanic Elemenstation.
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Northern Yymp is the location of some of the most productive salt
mines in Battal.
Cities of Yymp
•
•
Northern Crag
Exfentia
Discussion
The Steward Earl Stewart Earle Steward, the Earle of Steward is one
of my personal favorite anti-heroes. Especially the bit about his
bumbling affairs with the giantesses. -ewige
The Knack
A term for the talent, ability, or indescribable essence required to
become an Elemenstor. Since no one knows what the Knack really is,
no one can accurately predict who will become an Elemenstor; a
potential Elemenstor can be of any age, sex, race, upbringing,
physical type, inclination, or even species (although most people
believe “too clever by half” to be a required attribute). Signs of the
Knack usually surface in early childhood, though some “late
bloomers” have been known to develop the Knack well into their
middle age, to the derision and mockery of their peers. Such signs are
subtle and complex, though all doubts are dispelled when the future
Elemenstor “finds”* their first glowing shard of Rubian.
*Most scholars agree that it is the Rubian which actually finds the
Elemenstor, an effect they describe as “totally creepy”.
”The Knack” is also a somewhat sub-standard balladeer group from
Rivdellshire.
Knowing who will be able to have the talent for Elemenstation and
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who will not is known as a particularly difficult tasks. Harbinger Portent
was known to have this ability, but it is actually unusual among
powerful Elemenstors. Instead there is a particular method that is
most often employed which involves the use of Knack Spotting
Children.
The Land of Thrown Fish
The Land of Thrown Fish has a unique and interesting tale
surrounding it. Its origin, culture, and traditions all make it quite a
rare state indeed. The culture came to an unfortunate end in year 999,
when it fell during the Vampyric Wars, taking its various unique
species with it. Some of their weapons survived unintentionally, such
as with the War Men’s “stab axe” (korungshokurung’o).
One of the major industries was fish husbandry, and many unique
breeds of fish were found here and no where else. The name of the
kingdom was based on a play off of two of the most prominent
species; those being the Throne Fish and the Dart Fish. The land is
named for its unique methood of warfare, which involved throwing
throne fish and dart fish at the enemy and watching them be
annihilated, and cleaning up the remains with their War Pokeys,
which are two-pronged spears used to inflict shallow wounds on the
sides of the necks of their enemies.
The people of the Land of Thrown Fish prided themselves on eating
some of the deadliest fish to ever swim the seas of Battal, and their
army’s main weapon was the very killing implement used on their
deadly fishes. Their civilization’s food sources, weapons, and
nomenclature were criticized by some on several grounds:
•
•
•
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The Harmless Pillowminnow was the tastiest fish throughout
the land, bred by the millions, and wasn’t a relentless killing
machine.
The average throne fish was primarily composed of scale,
bile bladders, and residual hate, and tasted something like a
greasy shingle filled with spoiled milk.
The dart fish were mostly tendon, muscle dense enough to
pull wagons, and spike-covered “bio bolts”.
•
•
Weapons designed to deal shallow injuries on the side of the
neck aren’t the most efficient weapons when one’s enemies
whale on one with an axe, sword, or screaming ball of hellfire.
That “Thrown Fish” and “Throne Fish” sounded way too much
alike and led to deadly mix-ups.
The very northern most area of The Land of Thrown Fish eventually
became known as the Arcane Northern Realms, but all the unique fish
related culture died with the kingdom.
Government
From its founding in year 3 until its ultimate destruction in year 999,
the Land was ruled by a line of brutal warlord kings, of which there
were ten in total. In the uncertain land where color and shape was
rarely what it seemed and the weather changed less frequently than
the pantheon, the warlord kings strong stabalizing influences were
what kept the society cohesive through its existance. Each warlord
ruled from his own stronghold, so although a formal capital city did
exist, it was never actually the seat of power for the kingdom. As a
result, no clear historical record of its exact location exists.
The first warlard was trained ichtheologist Ogema Blood-On-His-Boots,
who fell into warlording quite by accident when he found he had a
knack for it.
The Warlord Kings
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Ogema Blood-On-His-Boots
Inego Sword-So-Sharp
Tjelok Fell-On-A-Pike (his reign was short)
Caalrige Slice-of-Cold-Justice
Ela Just-A-Girl
Akzann Snow-Under-His-Feet
Yokkle Let-Them-Sleep
Tometog Escaped-the-Great-Fire
Calt Deals-Deadly-Dartfish
Sud Cape-On-Backwards
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Children in Ezermethalon who need to learn the names of the
warlord kings in school have this rhyme they use to remember the
first initials of each of the kings: “Out Into The Cool Evening A
Yellow Troll Casually Strolled.”
Geography
The Land of Thrown Fish is more famous for its fish than its land,
but its land is peculiar as well, in that it changes color from blackand-white-squares to a brightly glowing pink that oddly displays the
markings of a large map upon it. Coupled with its unique variations
on the fish, the Land of Thrown Fish is a locale whose features are
half-shouted/crooned to Morlond’s Field residents in attempts to
scare them into being good little children. It often works. If it
doesn’t, a field trip to the borders of the Land of the Thrown Fish
sets them up but good.
Adding to the general confusion, twenty miles Southwest of the
capital city (or what documentarians believe to be the general area
where the city is located), a series of clouds sits on the ground,
vociferously refusing to fly. It should be noted that the clouds
eventualy left after the throne and dart fish died out, thus leading
many historians to believe the clouds were protesting the existence of
the fish.
A Possible Origin
It has been put forth that such an unusual land could not have
naturally come about and that the land was the magical realization of
a fever induced dream.
Originally posited by the Smug Ape upon arriving at the aftermath of
Dogus Brankorking’s first Poison Foe Mispelling, this clammy, piscean
environ was later made a reality by the Wasted Elemenstor’s fevered
dreams. Those same fevered dreams were brought on by a latter
uncasting of the spell which backfired upon Brankorking, an event
which Tycho Brahe revealed he cleverly adapted from a critical
fumble rolled during the gaming session upon which that particular
chapter was based.
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While Dogus Brankorking is listed as having been 90 at the time of his
death in 23,344, The Land of Thrown Fish is listed as one of the twelve
realms, which according to The Magic Sword Kings Period, existed
between 0 - 9,473. Was the miscast spell-induced dream so powerful
as to create a realm some 23,000 years in the past? Or did Dogus
travel to the future?
It has been posited by the Finnish Elemenstor Society that TLoTF is
itself a rift in the space-time of Battal, but personally, I think it’s the
inconsistency one expects from the ramblings of a depraved
methadone-induced fit. -ewige
The Longest Moment
The Rise and Fall of Minuschitae
Medianary 26th, 9473, 4:35:00 PM BUST- 4:35:13 PM
Timeline Events
•
•
•
Medianary 26th, 9473, 4:35:00 PM - Frand Burgrove drools
in his sleep. A globule of his spittle combines with the existing detritus upon a hair of his pillow (which was in fact a
dead badger) and The Kingdom of Minuschitae is thus created.
Medianary 26th, 9473, 4:35:07 PM - The 508th King of
Minuschitae dies while eating his soup, bringing an end to
the direct line of god-kings and signalling the start of the
Great War of Minuschitae.
Medianary 26th, 9473, 4:35:08 PM - The Great War of
Minuschitae comes to an end with the Slaughter of the Micronic
Plains and the ascent of the Littleosopher-Kings, ushering in a 2
second golden age of peace.
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•
•
•
Medianary 26th, 9473. 4:35:10 PM - Ronard’s Very Large But
Unenchanted Spikey Hammer disapears from Battal and reappears in Minuschitae, causing great unrest and excitement
throughout the land.
Medianary 26th, 9473, 4:35:12 PM - Burgrove begins to sigh,
signaling the beginning of The Minupalypse.
Medianary 26th, 9473, 4:35:13 PM - Yar the Sorcerial enchants
Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer, thus creating a portal back to Battal and releasing a tremendous
wave of magical forces resulting in his own birth. Yar and
Vaxin the Tiny are the only ones to escape Minuschitae before the Minupalypse.
Overview
Introduction
This age, described in an epic poem Tycho Brahe (See The Rise and Fall
of Minuschitae) allegedly wrote while taking severe allergy relief
medications, descibes the effects that a brief sigh, given off by a
napping Frand Burgrove, has on Minuschitae, a kingdom contained
within a hair on Frand’s pillow. In this painstaking description of the
unspeakable horror and inevitable destruction of the once peaceful
kingdom, The Sundering is foreshadowed, and Vaxin the Tiny is
introduced.
The Dwarfball Match and the Undoing
of Fonard
The Longest Moment also coincided with the day of a very heated
battle between the goggle wearing Dwarves of Hurlia and the forces of
the Magic Sword Kingdom (led by Fonard, heir of Ronard). The Magic
Sword Kingdom was victorious and took well over three prisoners of
war who were, of course, consigned to their fate as dwarfball equipment. As was customary, those with hats were allowed to keep those
hats. Unbeknownst to their captors however, one of the prisoners
(Laminian the Wicked, leader of the Pickled Dwarves regiment) wore The
Enchanted Enchanter’s Hat of Enchanted Enchanting, which would
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swallow any weapons used against the wearer, and return them
enchanted somehow.
The stage was set thus for Fonard’s undoing, and at exactly 4:35 that
day, as he swung Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer to
strike the dwarfball, it for one moment disappeared from the world
altogether. It was also at precisely this moment that Fonard was struck
mortally from behind by a team-mate’s misplaced hammer swing.
The Pickled Dwarves had also chosen this exact moment to launch a
vicious counter-attack against the Magic Sword Kings, which would
have been doomed were it not for the concurrent loss of both Fonard
and Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer.
Fonard never recovered from the blow, and while his hammer was
returned, it had become the much less impressive Ronard’s Very Large
Enchanted Spikey Hammer.
Fonard died two weeks later, and the kingdom, for over 33 hours, was
caught up in Fonard’s 37 sons fighting to the death for his Crown.
Julipon, the eventual victor, survived by curling up into a ball, as the
last of his brothers died of exaustion.
Historians look upon the moment that Fonard was struck down as the
beginning of the fall of the Magic Sword Kings and the line of King
Ronard.
Yar the Sorcerial and Ronard’s Very
Large But Unenchanted Spikey Hammer
It was also at this exact moment that Yar the Sorcerial burst, cloaked in
flame, from his mother’s womb. Even in Battal this was considered a
very strange birthing process and drew quite some attention. Few
were surprised when Yar grew up to be a person of some import.
Of course, these two event occurring at once was was neither
incidental or coincidental. As Laminian’s The Enchanted Enchanter’s
Hat of Enchanted Enchanting sent Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted
Spikey Hammer to Minuschitae until such time as it would become
enchanted. This was orchestrated by Yar, who used the Hammer in
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his telesorc’ley and timesorc’ley to enter and exit the tiny kingdom, thus
setting off tremors in spacenes and timenes resulting in his own birth.
The Machine
The Machine is a troupe of radical poets intent on eliminating all of
the various forms of address in Gouth culture, replacing them with
the equivalent of “Hey Boy”.
Mentioned in Book 11.
The Mighty and Merciless
Magical Monkey King Staff
The Mighty and Merciless Magical Monkey King Staff is a much
debated phrase in ELotH:TES lore: Book 2 mentions it in connection
with the Dark Doomblade of Magical Overarching Darkness. However, due
to the ambiguity of the phrase, its meaning is the point of great
debate among fans. The reference on-page goes as follows:
The blade gleamed with the gleam of something vile,
the skulls, roses, dragons, cute mice, and other regalia
of horror glinting. Its power was palpable, pallatable—
a weapon wihout peer. Only the Mighty and Merciless
Magical Monkey King Staff could have inspired more
dread in Horatio.
It is unknown whether the object in question is, in fact, The Staff of the
Mighty and Merciless Magical Monkey King (a nebulous entity alluded to
in Book 4, when Sotar Olderndirt speaks with the elder of the Ssskssenek), or if it refers to The Mighty and Merciless King Staff of the Magical
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Monkey (Magical Monkeys being finicky trickster beings imbued with
the element of Stream).
Alternatively, some claim it to be a typo for The Mighty and Merciless
Magic Almon Keykingstaff, a particularly nasty Dark Spirit, on par in
terms of power with the Tyrant of Otherhood. He is introduced in an
offhand comment by Ronard the Medium in Book 12:
Ronald snorted, flicking an unruly lock of hair from
his fair face. “That,” he said with disdain dripping
from his voice, “Is something that mothers should not
use to scare their children to bed. He takes such usage
of his name quite personally.”
I’m sure I missed one or two other claims to the meaning of this
phrase. I keep hearing about a “Furny interpretation”, but I’m not
sure if I even want to know... kmr
The Parchment Cylinder
Also See: Cardboard Tube Samurai
Origins
The Parchment Cylinder appears in books Four, Seven and Twelve of
the Cycle, seemingly called upon as and when needed.
Appearance
The art that appeared on the Parchment Cyl card in the WEB-CCG
showed it as a rolled up cylinder of parchment, though as many of
the CCG images differed wildly from the descriptions in the novels it
can hardly be taken as a definitive description and seems more in
keeping with The Cardboard Tube of Unusual Sharpness and Popularity,
which has never appeared in the CCG.
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Attributes
The strength of this apparantly magical weapon varies each time:
sometimes it is able to cleave an Evilnor in half, while later in the
Cycle it merely gives Ekezenthal a rash. Whether this changing
strength is part of the Cylinder’s nature, or perhaps due to the powers
or thoughts of the caster, or even just caused by lazy writing, is never
adequately explained. In fact, aside from being mentioned the four
times it is used (twice in Book 7) the Cylinder is not mentioned at all.
Theories and Web Site
Many theories abound in fan fiction and on discussion boards,
including one popular theory that the parchment cylinder is actually
The Cardboard Tube of Unusual Sharpness and Popularity, however the in
Book 12 the Cylinder is used while P’km’n the Hungry is wielding The
Tube. Some have therefore theorised that the Cylinder is the original
weapon from the stories which inspired Gragnakas to create the Tube;
this would explain its apparant magical ability to appear when needed,
though not the lack of any kind of explanation in the text. It is also
speculated by many that the Cylinder and the Cardboard Tube are one
and the same weapon; it is never explicitly stated but evidence points
in that direction.
A popular - and rather speculative - fan site used to be located at
parchment-cylinder.org, though that site closed in October 2004.
(See also Cylinder and Tube Theories)
The Resundering
Like The Sundering, except slightly different. Not to be confused with
The Reunsundering, oh Lord no.
Unlike the original sundering, The Sickle was merely shifted a few
hundred feet away from The Shield. None the less, this upheaval set
the stage for the world rending earthquake of 26,780.
The resulting gap filled with waters from the western seas and created
the Notapuppet Channel, over which the long and sturdy wooden
Ronard Bridge passes, connecting the port city of BashRock in The
Kingdom of Parsonya to the Land of Baz in The Sickle. This bridge makes
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an appearance in The Journey of Wolfgang Apprentice
Archibald Almalastor had a significant involvement in bringing The
Resundering about; further details can be found on his page.
The Rise and Fall of Minuschitae: The Longest Moment
An epic poem by Tycho Brahe detailing the happenings of the
Kingdom of Minuschitae during The Longest Moment.
Ambitious and psychedelic, the poem’s form maintained a blend of
iambic pentameter, sonnet, and haiku combined with random
punctuation (although Brahe did not restrict himself to following all
the rules of all these forms at all times). To maintain the ryhme
scheme Tycho began -making words up- adding to the ELotH:TES
lexicon, for which he added new words later to ryhme with those.
This resulted in an exponentially increasing quantity of new words.
Experts speculate that as many as 10 new languages were created in
the writting of this one poem alone.
Brahe intended this poem to be a full entry in The Elemenstor Cycle,
likely taking the place of Book 5, but his publishers rejected it,
relegating it instead to a 320 page appendix to The Temptations of the
Bix the End Table, and other tales.
Excerpts
Introduction: Of the Ur-Formation of Minuschitae
1. First,, Minuschitae!
2. Was not—and then? next it was
3. Thanks to Minuthrim;
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4. Thus the blordinae)
5. Of the land, tiny. and fawes
6. Did greatly please: Him
7. Be that as it may:
8. Dark and frumptious things would cause?!.
9. Events blorg and glim(
Chapter 1, verse 8, intrasignet 2
1. An lo upon brow
2. Heav’d ‘pon sleep’s dark distant shores
3. A kingdom’s lone frow.
4. Besotted on boars
5. Crowned toiling minuschitae
6. A life’s work sans goors.
7. Set to labor now
8. The little one works her chores
9. To hirol her plough.
Does anyone remember exactly what iambic-haiku sonnet form is? I
believe it is as follows. Intrasignet 1: abc abc abc ddd Intrasignet 2:
efe ghg ifi jhj. Please correct me if I’m wrong.
Intrasignet 2 is always this: efe fgf hfh
The Rise of the Elemenstors
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The Rising went largely unnoticed by the general populace. It was
only many years after the fact that historians recognized that there
was a Rising at all. Schoolchildren of Battal dread the teaching of this
topic to the day.
It is also worth noting that during this era the MLB was created
The Rubion Sword, The Blade
of Zonard
A rare and immensely huge and big and gigantic gigaweapon
(seriously, it’s freaking big), the Rubion Sword was instrumental in
the defeat of rather brief and very little-known Darkrobodwarvian
Uprising by Zonard the Sunderer, the last of the Magic Sword Kings.
After striking their leader Testiscisum down most mightyfully, Zonard
proclaimed: “This is for better days. Let’s go bowling.” The Sword
was then cast into Oblivion, or so it was thought...
It has been said that only the root of the Viagrium shrub can make a
man überhard enough to hold the mighty blade aloft, but it’s actually
optional.
This sword plays a critical role in Book 3, the book whose title bears
the name of this sword.
The Satchel
The Satchel appears in every one of the original novellas, starting
with Book 3, in which it’s lying on the ground next to a burning
dwarf. It’s usually described in passing, just before an epic battle,
which has led some to speculate that it’s some sort of prophet of
doom.
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Others hypothesize that it’s not always the same Satchel, but one of
several placed around the world by a wizard for purposes of his own.
Still others suspect that it’s a result of the author pasting in the same
descriptions every time he needs background for a scene.
In Book 6, the Satchel was revealed to hold a variety of tasty nuts and
fruits.
Whether or not the Satchel appears in The Wizbits has, of course,
been the subject of much debate. Some feel positive that the brown
blob in the lower right of Minute 13 of Episode 0109 (“The Trouble
with Tubas”) was the Satchel, while others maintain that it was
probably just a dog. A scan of the coloring book, alleging to show the
Satchel, was later shown to be a case of wishful coloring.
The Satchel is not to be confused with The Sickle.
The Savage Brutality of the
War Men
It is during this time that the now immortal Char Reyarteb – with the
Starborn Gem and his legions of subterranean War Men unleashed by
The Sundering – sets out to conquer the reformed world of Battal. At
the same time, Gr’z’tok, Blood-Bearded Lord of Overrulers and High
Chief of the Highland Valleys, took up his fearsome axe Mortalkill
and assembled his fearsome legion of Higgerath the to do battle
against the forest dwelling Arkleaf settlement, which then split into
The Four Factions to preserve itself. The Cohoris tribe was the only of
the four to survive the Siege of Arkleaf.
The Higgerath barbarians utterly ravaged Arkleaf for fifty years. The
wood-archers of Arkleaf tried in vain to restrain them with arrows of shotflight, against which the Higgerath forces could do little. The conflict
raged on between them and their children and their children’s
children and their children’s children’s children. And possibly their
children too, though that’s somewhat of a gray area.
Gr’z’tok was defeated when Phyllana, High Priestess of Arkleaf,
managed to disguise herself in the form of a falconhawk in order to
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sneak into the most insurmountable pinnacle of Gr’z’tok’s lair at
Lowtower. She then summoned the aggregate power of seven hundred
and seventy-seven Spirits of Channeling to focus untold energy into her
Soul Crystal, allowing her to become “one with the tower.” She then
destroyed herself in a tremendous act of self-destruction.
The Shield
The Shield refers to the largest of the continents that separated in
The Sundering, rejoined in The Unsundering, and re-sundered in The
Resundering.
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Locations
By far the smallest of the two Sundered continents, and location of
the Tides of Epic Conflict Saga, The Sickle is dominated by two parallel
mountain ranges (The Ultracraggoths and The Smoos) that divide the
continent into the Eastrenn Coast region, the Westrenn Coast region and
the Long Valley between. Both ranges descend into peninsulas that
extend into the southern ocean.
The seond most fertile and prosperous region of The Sickle is the Bay
of Cream on the northeastern coast. The first is the Alfan plateau in
the middle of Mont Skyfinger, a poorly-named valley, which runs
between the Ultracraggoths and the Smoos.
Before The Unsundering, The Sickle is primarily a world of eldritch
treachery and epic intrigue. Apparently the knowledge of The
Sundering was lost in The Sickle by the year 11,384. The Tides of Epic
Conflict Saga takes place entirely in The Sickle during this period, and
at no time is The Shield mentioned by any characters. Following the
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disasterous and possibly misnamed Pax Hyacinth, The Sickle is
eventually rejoined to The Shield at the culmination of The Unsundering
by longtime Shield resident Harbinger Portent.
By 17,909, The Sickle had settled down, as the residents were
completely without guile and were extremely easily tricked over and
over again by Char Reyarteb during his conquering period during the
Century of Fire. What happened to all the eldritch intrigue in the
intervening period is anyone’s guess. Maybe they just got tired of all
the people poisoned by Lord Hopebane during the Epic Conflicts
period.
Also, the Dellberry can only be found in the lower left corner of the
mountains on this continent.
485
The Steward Earl Stewart Earle
Steward, the Earle of Steward
The Steward Earl Stewart Earle Steward Earle of Steward can refer to
several different people:
Steward Earl Stewart-Earle, Steward to the Earle of Steward
The Steward Earl Stewart Earle Steward, the Earle of Steward, last of
the Ruling Steward Earls of The Kingdom of Yymp;
The Steward, Earl Stewart Earle, Steward-Earle of Steward
These are not to be confused with the Stew Ward Eel of Stwartiel.
The Story That Is Built One
Sentence At a Time By Those
That Read It
”In a land of mysticism, bad speeling and poor grammar, there
emerged a story, unlike any ever told, that begins with an extremely
overworked introduction sentence and continued as it was added
upon by all those that read it...”
A flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminating the grizzled
Elemenstor and his ambulatory dresser. Pausing uncertainly, the
sagacious one pulled out a well-worn and faded parchment. It was a
grocery list from six years ago. The Elemenstor frowned a grizzled
frown, barely visible through his significantly grizzled beard. “This
will not do,” he thought. He still hadn’t found the legendary Pickle of
Decay. It had been almost literally ages since he had set out for the
store, his kind wife reminding him, “Don’t forget the milk, dear!”
She was gone, now - slain by the Dark Elemenstors. The milk she
486
had craved had long since curdled in the second drawer of the
dresser. The bitterly acrid smell of soured milk had been the
Elemenstor’s constant companion for all these long years; it was the
stench of regret. The Elemenstor turned to his gentle, wooden
companion and searched through its cavernous compartments, taking
stock of the vegetables, meats and fruits of his long quest.
Little did he know that an ebony cupboard was watching him, hidden
in the darkness of the night! Its handles glinted in the moonlight, and
it twitched hungrily as he searched.
Gathering his robes around him, the Elemenstor continued to trudge
through the forest. The village of Slishpoy lay a night’s travel ahead
and a with it the promise of information. As the lightning flashed
overhead his constant mahogony companion; who until that moment
had been trundling gracefully at his side caught the talon-held ball of
his right front leg on a branch and tumbled awkwardly into the mud.
“Drat this lightning,” the Elemenstor said to himself in his grumbliest, most Elmenstatory tones. “And drat this storm.”
“Drat yourself,” the storm replied. “Some of us are busy trying to
earn an honest living around here.”
The lightning snickered.
Ignoring the rude weather, the Elemenstor arose to continue his
long, and thus far, boring journey. Just then, something incredibly
surprising and unbelievably exciting happened!
The ground twisted and heaved, and the Elemenstor leaned heavily
upon his ambulatory dresser as molten lava fountained into the sky.
“Finally! A reason to do some Elemenstation on this dratted
journey!” he cried, and unleashed a powerful shielding Elemenstation
on himself and his dresser.
A bright orangish-purple glow began to emanate from the very
molecules of air surrounding the Elemenstor, and dresser began to
hum as every fiber of his being became suddenly infused with the
violent erruption of his master’s energy. As the raging, tempestuous
lava flow wilted back into the earth, a twisted, inhuman snicker
echoed forth from the darkness. Off in the distance, a shadowy figure
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emerged.
”Old friend,” the figure hissed, “It’s been too long - and too long
since it’s been your time to pay for what you did to my dark master!”
The Elemenstorraised his staff and shooed away his dresser, who
regressed sheepishly into the dark shadows of a nearby grove and
turned to shield its eyes from the confrontation.
”I always knew you would return. The terrible transgressions that
transpired under the tutelage of your terrible teacher were too
transfiguring to, to, um, let’s see here...” the Elemenstor declaimed,
stopping to rummage in the folds of his robe for the speaking notes
he had prepared for this very occasion.
But the time for notes was not now and perhaps not ever, depending
entirely on the outcome of the battle that threatened to ensue as the
Glowing Fence Cage of Combat appeared and encircled the field of
play.
”Wait, wait,” proclaimed the shadowy figure in a dark and shrill voice
as he withdrew a long parchment of eldritch symbols, “I haven’t read
my significantly longer and more convincingly alliterative speech!”
”Oh bollox,” the Elemenstor said to himself, and sighed. “I knew
you’d want to steal my thunder.”
”When the white winds were washing Wonder from the world,” the
figure intoned, ignoring his foe. “And all the arrows of the Hierarchs
aimed along the sights of Arcady...”
”And he wonders why nobody listens to him,” the Elemenstor said.
“Convincingly alliterative, my foot.”
The figure glared: “Are you going to let me finish this, or not?”
”Go on, go on, you might as well.”
The Elemenstor beckoned his dresser back out of the shadowed
grove—the danger having passed for the moment—and took a seat
with exaggerated weariness upon its glossy, but not unused, top.
488
”Thank you,” the figure said, clearing his throat. “Now...”
The figure frowned.
”You’d made it to the bit about Arcady.”
”Ah. Quite—“ he ahem’d, and resumed with extra drama, hoping to
recapture the atmosphere of mystery after being interrupted “—
When all this came to pass, my master met MooMaa the Maleficient,
maker of many murderous masterworks, and spake serious
spaeches—“
”Look, that’s not even a word,” the Elemenstor said.
”The like of which no man hath h’never heard hence. MooMaa
merely Ma—“
It’s a pity that the figure never quite finished the word—it was the
beginning of not only the most rhetorically important passage of his
speech, but it also happened to be the single most important word
ever uttered—or not uttered, in this case—in the long and storied
history of all Battal. It was The Word Itself, and the figure was the
last being alive that knew what it was.
He failed to finish speaking The Word because something very, very
painful happened to him just as he began it, and which quite
continued until long after he would otherwise have finished it. He
looked down at his chest and saw a gyser of blood. His eyes strained
to see the weapon with which he’d been undone, but there was only a
tube made of some foreign substance rammed through his vital
organs, and in a flash it, and its wielder, were gone.
Sullenly sliding off the top of his dresser, the Elemenstor did his best
to take stock of the increasingly bizarre situation. From the shadows
to his right emerged the ebony cupboard, which had been silently
waiting for the most dramatic moment to make its appearance—and
its attack.
”Predictable, that,” the Elemenstor’s Dresser thought to itself.
“Those ebony pieces are always putting on airs about how dark and
mysterious and stealthy they are. Think they’re ninjas. Bah.”
489
”I am no mere ninja!” cried the ebony cupboard as thunder boomed
in the heavens. “Ninjas would wish to cower at my feet. I am power
unchained. I am His keeper of things. I am-“
”Splinters, if you don’t bugger off,” the Elemenstor said.
”How’d it know what I was thinking?” the Dresser thought. “Hello?”
”Your elemenstatory powers won’t save you from my wrath, fool!”
”Testing, testing,” the Dresser thought. “Heloooo?”
Vexed, the Elemenstor rolled up the sleeves of his robe: “I did ask
you nicely.”
”You told me to bugger off!”
”I threatened you, too.”
”One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,” the Dresser thought as
omnidirectionally as it could. “All good cupboards go to—“
”Oh, well, that’s very polite, isn’t it?” the ebony piece said. “Threatening a stick of furniture half your size.”
The air crinkled with flashing fronds of power—the Elemenstor’s
fingers glowed. This elemenstoral quality - the regality - of this entire
encounter was going downhill fast, he thought to himself.
Crackles of purest elemenstation spat from his fingertips and the top
of his tall and very pointy hat.
The ebony cupboard cowered against his vast epicness, awaiting the
inevitable end.
”Eh, sod it.” shrugged the Elemenstor. The power around him
winked out as he tipped the cupboard on its side.
”Hey, no fair!” yelled the cupboard as it struggled to right itself.
”Now,” said the Elemenstor as he took a seat on a nearby tree root,
“Tell me where I can find the legendary Pickle of Decay.”
490
”Yeah!” chimed the Dresser, “And no more mind-readin’, or I’ll
thump ya!”
”Very well”, sighed the cupboard, “though I cannot give the precise
location of that which you search for, I can point you in the right
direction.”
The cupboard stopped wobbling ineffectually on its side, and a
dangerous glint appeared where its eyes may have been, had it had
eyes.
”So, are you pointing right now?” inquired the Elemenstor, “I can’t
really tell. Which end of you should I follow?”
”My hands,” the dark cupboard shrieked, “My hands you fool! Well,
they’re not so much hands, they’re more like, my front legs... Or
something. Man, I don’t know.”
”So,” the Elemenstor said hesitantly, looking at the malevolent
cupboard’s feet, “you’re saying that the legendary Pickle of Decay,
elemental icon of oxymoronity, the most powerful of pickled
artifacts, is in the Forest of Burning Britches over younder?”
The elemenstor’s dresser gasped, recognizing the infamous forest by
reputation, for from its wood was born the most demonic of
furniture, the dark one’s Twisted Furniliars.
With a dramatically raspy voice, the ebon cupboard intoned,”Yes,
fool, yes. The forest! The forest of pain, and suffering, and more bad
things to come! Your britches will burn, fool! Burn for all ages!”
Suddenly, with a sound that sounded like a million papers being
ripped apart at the same time, the ebon cupboard exploded and its
wood turned into dust.
The Elemenstor blinked as the dust settled. “That was interesting...”
he said, furrowing his already signifigantly furrowed brow. He mulled
over his situation for some time. Then, reaching a decision, he set out
toward the Forest of Burning Britches, stepping over the large
younder in his way.
491
Horatio was not in a good way.
”Higher. Higher. Little more. Liiiiiiitle more.” The woman sighed.
“Yeah. Hold it there.”
”Are you sure? Cause I’m not going to move that sofa for the next
two hours. I have a life, you know?”, he lied.
She sighed, made a little ‘tut’ sound with her tongue, then said: “Oh
darling what will we do with the portrait of Mummy?”
Horatio sighed. Thus was the life of a Tribbit. Safe... leisurely... boring.
His heart ached for adventure. Well, not adventure, as such, but at least
something more exciting than redecorating the house all day. Even
the life of a Mucksucker, filled with sweat and dank and good honest
work, appealed to him. You see, Horatio was the youngest son of the
powerful (in the Tribbit world) Luskfish clan, and that carried certain
responsibilities. Mainly, to keep out of the other members’ way, and
to keep a nicely decorated home.
Horatio wanted something new in his life.
His fiancé, Wendybell, was not so inclined.
”I said”, she intoned with her practiced upper-class accent, “What
shall we do with the portrait?”
”I don’t know! Do anything!” screamed Horatio. As Wendybell’s face
quickly changed from disbelief to anger, Horatio knew he must act
quick to extricate himself from this predicament. He ran screaming
and flailing his arms, down the stairs to the first floor and outside
into the market square.
Upstairs, Wendybell cocked her head to the side as she gazed at the
portrait. “That does look...yes, I do believe that’s the perfect position
on the wall there. Now, where did my lovely little fool of a fiancé
go?”
As Horatio ran through the hustling and bustling market square, he
wondered aloud exactly how a square could hustle and bustle in and
of itself. His ponderings were cut short as a surly armoire slammed
into him, knocking Horatio to the cold cobble-stone.
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”Watch where you’re go--,” Horatio stopped mid-sentence, his
collision with the armoire threw its doors open, and in its musty
depths Horatio spied a rather startling symbol.
It was the symbol of The Item Law Makers Guild, which Horatio
had had quite a nasty tussle with years ago, and below it was a single
roll of parchment marked with Horatio’s name.
Horror donned slowly upon the face of poor Horatio for he knew
then that his frivolous and youthful violation of Item Law 32 had
finally caught up with him. He knew right away that he must think of
a brilliant plan to hide his knowledge of Culimancy, that he absolutely
had to have his brilliant idea before he could even think another
word!
As Horatio scratched his goatee, his eyes flowing around the market
square in search of inspiration, the armoire glared at him expectantly,
tapping its front-left leg softly upon the cobble-stone street.
An idea rose in Horatio’s mind with such brilliance that he blinded
himself, a brilliance some would expect only in a retard than a mere
mortal. “Pbxys Ssyvnz Gvuu-!” Horatio started. The armoire raised
an eyebrow.
”May I help you?” it asked. Bracing itself for the unwelcome cloud of
dust that always seemed to settle upon it when events of deep
Epicness were brewing, it awaited an answer.
”You could, um, burst into flames?” squeaked Horatio, adding “If it’s
not too much trouble, that is.”
This particular event being only about as deeply Epic as the history of
the small depression in the center of Small Puddle, or perhaps not
even, a very small amount of dust settled about the armoire; being
just enough to set off its rather inconvenient type of allergies.
”Aw, come on! Did’ya really have to do that?” it asked, sneezing.
Horatio only whimpered. His knowledge of Elemenstoring, a field
forbidden to Tribits, was understandably sketchy. However, he was
certain that last spell should have blown the armoire off its hinges.
493
”Y’see,” the armoire sniffled, “I’m tryin’ to find this Horatio Luskfish
guy. Got a subpoena for ‘im. You know where he lives? Should be a
big house with lousy decor.”
At that inopportune moment, a familiar voice from the crowd caught
Horatio’s ear. “Horatio!” the voice called. “Horatio Luskfish! You still
haven’t fixed that lousy decor!”
Horatio’s heart dropped to his stomach as Wendybell draped her
arms across his shoulders. He contemplated denying it, claiming she
must have mistaken him for someone else, but somehow that didn’t
seem like a feasible option. So he did the only other thing he could
think to do: He pushed Wendybell away and fled.
Horatio knew that he needed to get away, and also knew that the
furniture had trouble telling Tribbits apart, so he ran towards the one
place where he could blend in; the Mucksucking fields.
Three years later, a rather grubbier Horatio (now using the clever
alter-ego “Shmoratio Shmuskfish”) toiled away in the Dooblegnards’
swampy fields.
It wasn’t quite as pleasant as he had imagined.
The Dank was filled with the odors of hundreds of Dooblegnards, all
warm and rich and musky. It was also where Horatio spent his time
pulling muck off the fattest, nastiest, most demanding Dooblegnard:
Duke Alfamarma.
Duke Alfamarma was ugly, disgusting and would give the nastiest
commands to all who he did not deem worthy of his presence. As
much as he loved the Tribbit known as Gabe, he hated Horatio.
“SHMORATIO!!!” he boomed through The Dank. Horatio had heard
him, and didn’t want to go, but all the other Tribbits said he ought to
go, be it that they’d want to leave The Dank that night to go celebrate
Mike’s birthday. Horatio knew of neither a Mike, nor of his birthday,
but, as his fellow Mucksuckers insisted, he went anyway.
As it turned out, the party was boring and uneventful. After only
three and a half elims Horatio threw back his last cocktail and headed
off, a little tipsy, to find Duke Alfamarma, knowing well that his
tardiness would not be looked upon kindly by the rotund Alfamarma.
494
As he approached the Duke, the obtuse man stared down at him
from over his stomach and cried “Shomrey!, how have things been?”
Many of the others in The Dank turned to listen, as little better was
going on.
Horatio tried to sober up by shear act of will. He needed his wits
about him; not only was Duke Alfamarma the name of the biggest,
nastiest pit boss working the Dank, it was also the name of the
biggest, nastiest Dooblegnard, whom Duke (the Tribbit) had named
after himself. Things would not go well for him if he confused the
two.
Meanwhile, Duke (the Dooblegnard) chewed his cud thoughtfully, or
at least as thoughtfully as a large, slow-witted quadruped was capable
of.
Realizing he had paused for too long and the boss was becoming
impatient, Horatio stammered his response.
”I sh-shwear it washn’t me.”
The Duke narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Get to working, lazybones.” He snarled. “You’re already on thin ice for skipping out
earlier, if you don’t watch it I’ll cut yer pay. Or maybe even fire you.”
”Shir, I’m shorry, but being on fire ishn’t mush fun.”
”I’ll say.” An Elemenstor appeared quite suddenly behind Horatio, his
pants blazing. “I shouldn’t have gone through the Forest of Burning
Britches. Didn’t even find that Heirarchs’ cursed Pickle.”
Horatio immediately sobered up when he saw the Elemenstor.
”Anyway, I - oh, for heaven’s sake!” The flames were spreading to
the Elemenstor’s tunic now. “Excuse me for a moment”, he said.
Ignoring the stares of those present, the Elemenstor waded into the
middle of a nearby shallow pool. Head held high, surrounded by an
aura of dignity and Elemenstorial authority, he cleared his throat and
sat down with a splash.
495
”You’ll have to excuse him,” said a large Ambulatory Dresser, who had
been following the Elemenstor, “He’s been feeling rather... left out
recently.”
”That Dooblegnard won’t scrape the muck off its own back,
Shmoratio!” boomed the Duke, “I’ll take care of the trespasser.”
”If by ‘take care of’, you mean ‘provide with momentary amusement’,” said the soggy Elemenstor,” then by all means.”
The Duke reached into his pocket and held his hand there for long
moments, trying to increase tension (the Elemenstor clearly annoyed), before bringing out a weasel.
The Elemenstor extended his Elemenstave (theatrically) and inside his
mind’s ear heard a TONG as the weasel froze absolutely solid.
The Duke panicked, as can be well and easily imagined, as his fingers
initially felt the icy chill that crawled through the whole of his hand,
imparted thereupon by that flash-frozen rodent.
”That was my FAVORITE WEASEL!” shrieked the Duke, “Just
WHO in the multiple hells do you think you are?!”
”My name...” said the Elemenstor, pausing for effect, “Is...”
Before the Elemenstor could finish his sentence, he was interrupted
by a strange, muffled sound. “Hlmpf!” it sounded like. “Hllllmpf!”
The sound seemed to be emanating from the rear end of Duke
Alfamarma, the Dooblegnard.
The air hung thick and stale in the ancient library, when a black raven
flew in through a high open window, a note tied to its leg, and
flapped down to its perch, beside a gnarled throne composed of
weathered skulls.
An armor-clad hand reached out and grabbed the raven by the wings,
ripping the note off its leg as it did so. Apparently the person
belonging to the hand found the letter to bear good news.
”So, Harbinger, my old friend. You’re at the Dank.”
496
”What does this mean, sire?” croaked a hunched figure standing just
behind the throne, in the official “henchman” position.
”Time will tell, Morris.” replied the shadowy, armored man in the
throne, “Time will tell. Now take this bird away before it messes on
my weathered skulls.”
Pixlies are generally lively, energetic, good-natured, mischevious and
extremely annoying creatures. They are small, attractive (some would
say “cute”), heavily infused with magic, and can live for eons, barring
accidents.
For Bibee, the last few eons had passed particularly slowly. Slowly to
be sure, but more importantly, the last few eons had passed disgustingly, encompassed in a putrid mix of congealed Dooblegnard sweat
and the mud-caked algae.
”Help, heeeelp!!” Bibee beat against the walls of her prison with tiny
fists, “Let me out!” After fruitlessly
banging on the sides of the glass for a while, Bibee sat down,
disgusted by the leering customers of Oblivion’s lonely bar.
----------------------------”Hlllmp!”
Horatio wrinkled his nose at Duke Alfamarma’s rearend. Why was it
talking? He reached out, wiping away the muck and out popped...a
pixlie?
”I can see Oblivion’s through your muck.”
”Of course you can, silly Pixlie, the vile putrecence under the
posterior Wargnle plate of a Dooblegnard is notorious for its transdimensionality (both real and imagined)”, quipped the Elemenstor.
”Uh, yeah, it sure is.” muttered Horatio, wondering how the
Elemenstor managed to pronounce parentheses.
The wisened Elemenstor exscused himself to the Duke, who was still
distraught over the fate of his beloved weasel. “What were you doing
497
stuck in there, little one?” he said, lifting Bibee by the wings to
roughly eye-level.
”Halucinating. What’s it to you, you old fart?” spat the tiny pixlie,
squirming in a vain attempt to escape the Elemenstors iron grip.
Horatio took a few steps forward in order to get a better look.
”And what are you staring at?” Bibee hissed at Horatio. “A helpless
pixlie is trying to escape the grasp of mister hairy swamp-mummy
here and all you can do is stare? Probably going to stuff me into his
read end next! That’s all right with you, is it? YOU don’t care because
YOU haven’t spent ages trapped in the filthiest, smelliest hole
imaginable so YOU are just gonna stand there like the spineless
maggot you look like? Huh? Huh?! FREE! Free am I from the vile,
the putrid, the wretched stink of the beast’s folds! No longer sleeping
in a filthy bed of oozing refuse; no longer waking to the sounds of
my own vomiting! And to whom do I owe the favor of my freedom...
A whelp of a Tribbit. I wonder if perhaps I can still fit beneath the
scale...”
”Aww,” said Horatio. “It’s so cute.”
”Cute but deadly!” the angry creature hollered, as it pounced, nay
trounced, the unsuspecting and oblivious Horatio.
Horatio tried to pry the Pixlie off, but it clung to his whiskers with
surprising strength and determination.
”OH GOD SOMEONE KILL IT!” screamed Horatio, his opinion
of the pixlie now somewhat lessened.
”Extrapicus,” muttered the Elemenstor and Horatio was sent flying in
one direction, while the Pixlie was sent with a fist full of whiskers in
the other direction.
The tiny Pixlie recovered from the tumble with remarkable agility.
“I’m going to tear your HEART out for that, you old...” she
screamed, waving Horatio’s whiskers at the Elemenstor - then clamped
her mouth shut at the sight of electricity sparking between the
Elemenstor’s fingers in a decidedly threatening manner.
”Then again, we might discuss it in peaceful, static way”, little Pixlie
suggested sneakily.
498
”That’s better,” the Elemenstor said evenly and then continued,
“now if you’ll excuse me, I have something rather pressing to attend
to.”
”Good”, the diminutive girl answered, and turned to Horatio. “Now,
where were we?”
Comments
My “friends” who aren’t as familiar with ELotH:TES as I am have
noted that the title “should” read “...By Those WHO Read It”. This
misconception stems, naturally, from a lack of familiarity with the
source material (noted below). “Those That Read It” refers not to
people, but to Furniliars, the first line being built/read by Bix the
Endtable. ~rubian
Note: Consider it good form to use wiki-links while adding to the
story. Not only will it emphasize the Epicness of this wiki, but it will
aid your next contributor in transcribing the next line.
The title of this story implies that it would fall under Fan Fiction, but
when I read it I noticed that it was identical thus far to the strangely
titled story from The Temptations of the Bix the End Table, and other tales.
In keeping with the practise, I only added one line. I recommend you
do the same. I just wanted to address any concerns that this story was
non-canon. In fact, it now comes to my attention from the endnotes
of The Temptations of the Bix that this story was in fact an early,
rejected, manuscript for Book 1. -256
The Sundered Era
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The period between 10,435 and 17,908.
Notable writings referring to this period are:
•
•
•
The Evolution of Eternal Sorrow Graphic novel.
The Tides of Epic Conflict Saga
Several short stories written by Tycho Brahe in his online
post-Elemenstor Cycle writings. These stories include:
o
o
o
The Unsung story of The Dyecast Nine
A Trip to Grandma Beureau’s Place
Beyond the Vale of the Ancients
The Sundering
In the year 10,435, unbelievably potent Elemenstal energies are
released when Zonard, heir to the throne of the Magic Sword Kings,
clashes with Yar the Sorcerial.
The epic battle between Yar The Sorcerial and Zonard ended when
Zonard was struck by an epic blow to his zotesticle, unleashing the
potent, epic forces within. An Eldritch Rift broke the world into three
parts, only two of which were reunited during The Unsundering; The
Shield And The Sickle, and the Cataclysmic Bluont, the previously
unknown third, most Epic part.
The period of geological upheaval after The Sundering, and before
The Unsundering is referred to as The Sundered Era.
A popular retort in many regions is to shout loudly: “YOU JUST
GOT SUNDER’D!” and then clap one’s hand to one’s mouth,
simulating disbelief.
Note: These details are NOT derived from The Sundering of Vhaxdi,
which has been overwritten due to it’s numerous technical and
continuity errors.
Related Topics:
500
•
•
•
The Sundered Era
The Sundering of Vhaxdi
The Burnten’ed Times
The Temptations of the Bix the
End Table, and other tales
Back to Other Elemenstor Literature
Dust Jacket Notes
After the devastation of the Hierarch Wars, the world of Battal, a brief
period of peace is believe to ensue; but what really goes on? Aside
from the main legends and myths of the Elemenstors you’ve come to
know and love, there were other things taking place in the world. Did
you know, for instance, of the Fabulous Feast of Gluttony, or the Great
Cave Orgy of the Khith? Did you know about Dogus Brankorking’s
journeys into the Nastier Planes after a party? These events and many
more tales await in this fabulous companion to Tycho Brahe’s Elemenstor Cycle which, with appendixes, runs to nearly 1300 pages in length.
Table of Contents
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
The First Temptation of Bix the End Table
Simon the Severe
The Wenching Hour
The Second Temptation of the the Bix the End Table
The Thing that did not Tempt Bix the End Table
An Interlude on the Consistency of my Vomit
No Really, I Don’t Remember Eating That
The Third through Tenth Temptations of Bix the End Table
People To Kill Quickly
And Slowly
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•
•
•
•
The Story That Is Built One Sentence At a Time By Those
That Read It
What the Quilp?
Fifteen Recipes for Valium Martinis
Appendix A: The Rise and Fall of Minuschitae
Comments
This book was released by Mr. Tycho Brahe in his later years when his
royalties were no longer keeping him in the moderate lavishness and
semi-affluence to which his Elemenstor Cycle had previously
afforded him. It is believed to have been largley written during a
savage, 10-yr drinking and pill binge. This is evident in the strange,
almost psychedelic nature of the characters, settings and situations
throughout this series of short stories and poems. Some poems do
not appear to be poems of the Elemenstors at all, but rather grocery
lists and the order in which the author felt each of his enemies should
die. There is also a list of people to kill which does not match any of
the mythos, nor the previous list of which order his enemies should
die in. It appears to be, rather, a completely seperate set of enemies
or annoyances all together; the most interesting name on this list
being Gabe. Those stories which do have a clear connection to the
ELotH:TES universe appear to be largely a collection of previously
unpublishable manuscripts simply mashed together with a complete
lack of editorial diligence
Also of some note is the apparent extra “the” in the title of the
collection which is not reproduced in any of the story titles, although
the Second Temptation appears to have two extra “the”s. Some fans
have suggested that perhaps Bix the End Table, the Bix the End
Table and the the Bix the End Table are in fact three distinct
characters, although there is nothing in the text which indicates this.
Also known as The Temptations of the Furniliar, and other tales.
I have added a transcription of the table of contents from my copy.
Unfortunately the last half of my book appears to have been
consumed by some sort of beast. If anyone has a copy in better
condition and can complete the table of contents I would appreciate
it. -256
502
How could I forget that Simon the Severe was a part of this collection?
The Underdeep
The Underdeep is a deep, dark, mysterious, underground, subterranean, cavernous unknown realm which exists far beneath the surface
of the world. It consists of a series of immensely cavernous caves and
contains much disparate geography, including underground rivers,
underground forests, underground oceans, underground deserts,
underground mountains, underground weather and a small underground sun. It is unknown precisely how large the Underdeep is, or
exactly what portions of Battal it lies beneath; assessing this information is made difficult by the fact that pretty much every cave system
in all of the Underdeep seems to lead straight to the capital city of
Great Gandandersanden.
The primary inhabitants of the Underdeep are the Mean Elves, a
scantily-clad race that has ruled the great Empire of Dark for lots and
lots of years. The Mean Elves are ruled by the immortal Queen-Princess
Xanzandrinzel, who, with her bat-mouse familiar on her shoulder and
riding a fearsome two-horned unicorn, has on may occasions lead her
people to battle against their many enemies, chiefly the minions of
the Slightly Older Ones, who dwell far beneath the underdeep in the
nameless land called the Darkunder. Mean Elf society revolves around
the Cult of the Crawlies, about which little should be known.
The Underdeep is believed to be where Slimees originated, and where
they are most often found, although they have since spread to every
other cave system, dungeon and (in many cases) basement rec room
in Battal by placing their unique ‘spore mucus’ on the soles of
unwitting travellers who step on something disgusting in the
darkness, what the hell is that, hand me that stick so I can scrape it
off.
503
The Underdeep is also presumed to be the location where the
legendary, mysterious and malodorous Underpants of the Underdeep
originated.
The Unsundering
The Unsundering is Harbinger Portent’s valiant attempt in 17,909 to
rejoin The Shield, The Sickle and the Cataclysmic Bluont and thus mend
the damage of The Sundering. However, during the demanding
elemenstation his trusted apprentice Char Reyarteb betrayed him,
striking him down at the critical moment of rejoining. The resulting
new Battal was only a rejoined Sheild and Sickle, leaving the Cataclysmic Bluont to remain sundered, much to their apparent disappointment.
Char Reyarteb exploited the resulting chaos to set himself up as a
major power during the following Century of Fire.
The Vampyre Kingdom of Far
Southern Battal
Founded in the first few years of The Magic Sword Kings Period, the
Vampyre Kingdom was rather peaceful and known for “keeping to
itself.”
The very existance of such a kingdom made the Twelve Realms of
Antior very uneasy, but since they never really did anything overtly
hostile, there was nothing much to do about them.
The first ruler of the Vampyre Kingdom was Overseer Draxle, who was
darkly manipulative, and well known for his speeches of an overly
grand nature given to those gathered around the hexagonal “long
table” of The Kings Council from his “throne of tears.”
Still, an uneasy peace was maintained, barring the minor squables and
in fighting that was so common among the various kingdoms of The
504
Shield at that time.
It was not until the year 799 (TMSK), when Vampyre Diplomat
Vhadxi, the diplomat to K’th’ith’h, set into motion events which
would lead to the time of great strife known as the Vampyric Wars. In
800, Vhadxi overthrew Overseer Drihzxi, and declared himself the
Vampyre Lord Vhadxi. From there, the Vampyre Kingdom began a
series of increasingly aggressive moves which the other Kingdoms at
first attempted to deal with diplomatically.
By the time a full scale resistance to the invading Vampyre Armies
was mounted, it was already too late to save the twelve realms.
Theoric’s Laws
Citizens of Willestria, an ancient city built on the site believed to be
the origin of The Eldritch Rift, located on the Cataclysmic Bluont.
The Lore of Willestria is largely incoherent, having been written all in
one afternoon by The Unhinged Rotunda, but amidst the babble are
several references to The Cataclysmic Bluont.
The fragments are recreated below for your convenience.
”From its...teeth...the infernal appendage...tea root...it was decreed...rift...butterscotch”
Scholars throughout the ages have been unable to make sense of this
apparently dire warning about Butterscotch.
The Wizbits
The History of the Ur-Wizbits and
Their Four Familiars
This page contains information relating to the characters of The
505
Wizbits Cartoon.
For more information about The Wizbits, please see the Wizbits
Disambiguation Page.
For more information about other characters in The Wizbits, see the
Wizbits Characters page.
For information about other incarnations of these characters, please
see this page.
The Heroes
Lander
•
•
•
506
Hometown: the Village of Delberry
Lander’s familiar: Professor Dervmont, a sentient member of
the Quilp, a race of six-legged porcupine.
Lander is based on a young Lander Phoenixsong.
Zula
•
•
•
Hometown: The Village of Lesser Saltmarsh
Zula’s familiar: Hallau, a wispy, Pink Fruitbat.
Zula is based on a young Fantasmaphila
Skip
•
•
•
Hometown: the Village of Steam Shallows
Skip’s familiar: Blunder, a psychotic Red Panda with a penchant for hats.
Skip is based on a young Wendell Blunder
Penny
•
•
•
Hometown: the Village of E’Lylin
Penny’s Familiar: Myrtle, a spotted, Gnarled Land Squid that is
often confused for a flying pancake balloon in pictures.
Penny is based on a young Myrtle Breakwind
The Cartoon
The Wizbits were best known to American audiences for their threeseason run in the syndicated cartoon, The Wizbits (The Wizbits Episode
Guide).
It is an oft forgotten fact, usually thanks to some degree of effort on
the part of the person who manages to forget it, that for Season 2 of
Wizbits Skip was briefly replaced. The original Japanese animators
having discovered the popularity of their show in the West decided to
replace the most ‘Japanese’ of their creations with a more generic
character. Thus Skip was replaced with the much-reviled Doodle, a
character whose basic premise was that he travelled Battal drawing
crude pictures of other people’s familiars (or indeed in some cases
507
their furniliars). Presented as an already established character Doodle’s
origin story was thankfully never disclosed. Having proved less
popular with the kids than even the hardcore fans Doodle was rapidly
ret-conned out of existence. Because he was created specifically for
the western audience, Doodle never appearred in the original japanese
series (see ElamenSTAR).
Before the Wizbits had a cartoon, however, the term “Wizbit” was
already in use, as seen in some of the earlier games. It is unknown who
came up with the term, though most say it was Tycho Brahe, who,
while drunk, referred to the Elemenstor characters as “jus’ a bun’ a
lil’ wizzy bits. Wizzy bits. Wiz-bits, if ya will.”
Comments
removed redundant Wizbit descriptions (found on sub pages
verbatum) -tim
Removed Recurring Character information and moved it to the
Wizbits Characters page. ~Shadowtext
The Wizbits Cartoon
For episode names and summaries, please see The Wizbits Episode
Guide.
For cast and crew information, please see The Wizbits Cast and Crew.
For characters from the Wizbits Cartoon, please see Wizbits Charac508
ters.
For other information related to The Wizbits, please see the Wizbits
Disambiguation Page.
Production Information
The Wizbits was, in fact, a “re-imagining” of the Japanese anime
エラメン☆, which is romanized as ElamenSTAR. ElamenSTAR
originally aired in Japan in 1996, as a cross-promotion with the
collectible card game エラメン☆カード大戦 (ElamenSTAR Card
Battle), known in the United States as Wizbits Elemenstor Battle.
The Wizbits Cartoon was cobbled together both from clips of the
original Japanese cartoon (see the article ElamenSTAR) and from allnew and, at times, highly psychedelic animation commissioned by
General Defense Dynamics and guided by the avant-garde artist/eccentric/felon James Langomedes. Overdubbing of the original
Japanese material and voice work for the new animation were
handled by American voice actors employed by cut-rate animation
house United Dildonics. The overdubbing has been vocally criticized
by some fans, while others applaud it for introducing clever twists
such as hidden literary references and clever anagrams.
A rumored Season 4, starring the speculative ‘fifth Wizbit’ Phila never
came to fruition. This is probably because Phila was the Japanese
name of the character Penny (See The Wizbits Translation Notes).
In an attempt to resurrect the 1980s heyday of Saturday Morning
Cartoons, Wizbits originally aired on Saturday mornings (timeslot
varied from network to network). After syndication, it aired weekdays
immediately after Kung Fu Rooster (of Toon Penny fame, lending yet
another sliver of credence to certain conspiracy theorists) as part of the
509
“James Langomedes Power Hour.” The Power Hour lasted for a total of
seven nonconsecutive months before the Wizbits Cartoon and Kung
Fu Rooster departed from the airwaves permanently.
See the Real Life Timeline, Aftermath of The Wizbits, and the article on
James Langomedes for more information.
Theme Song
Adventurers, come along, we are brave and strong
With our friends we’ll survive to the end
We’ll win any war to become elemen-stors
C’mon!
We are the Wizbits!
Lander: Lander, Earth!
Zula: Zula, Air!
We are the Wizbits!
Skip: Skip, Fire!
Penny: Penny... oh, Water?
We are the Wizbits, with the power of Rubian!
Come along with us friends.
- Season 1 Theme Song - The Wizbits Theme Song
- Season 1 Ending Credits - Season 1 Ending Credits--can we get a better recording? I must hear this song
more clearly, it warms my heart.
Cast and Crew Information
Lead Voice Actors
Lander .... Eric Cummings
Zula .... Monica Chaudhry
Skip ..... Rick Horwell
Penny ..... Patricia Bentor
510
Production Crew
Executive Producer .... James Langomedes (Also by Gary Jaques, for a
short period after Langomedes fell into a coma)
Producers .... Roger Conroy, Niles Taylor, Lisa Coolige
Directors .... James Langomedes (Pilot Only), Cassie Bloomfeld, Brad Aviar
Writers .... James Langomedes, Hal Burton, Jerry Chang, Melissa Eberhart,
Calvin Spunting, Gary Jaques
For a complete cast and crew listing please see The Wizbits Cast and
Crew.
Note that this cartoon should not be confused with Wizbit, a British
children’s television program that appears to have no connection to
Epic Legends Of The Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga other than the
seemingly coincidental similarity of the show’s titles. This conflict
with an existing series led to The Wizbits being aired under the title
Lander and the Power of Rubian.
Thithithmihos
Thithithmihos is a quiet little Tribbit villiage on the outskirts of The
Dank. It was founded when Hermes the Obtuse and his mate Thithithmi
spawned their eggs beneath the swaying thistles of a HurkaHurka
tree.
Four children were born - Haile, Arp, March and Osmamp, each
gifted with the power of a different Secondary Element. Eventually,
the time-tossed Char Reyarteb would flay these children to harvest The
Four Skins of Thithithmihos.
In the Sixtieth Cycle, the journey to Mount Windice of the Tribbit
Horatio would begin in this humble hamlet.
Thithithmihos is also, for reasons not all that well explained in canon,
the original home of Gragnakas, Forge-King of the Dwarves.
511
Three Critical Errors
The Three Critical Errors were a group of major omissions in several
printings of the Repent: The Exotic set’s Comprehensive Rulebook.
Because of the omission of these rules, several major changes were
apparent in Pillar Resolution and gameplay of Wizbits Elemenstor
Battle. Chief among these (the First Critical Error) was the omission
of the Reverse Pillar rule, which is enormously important for many
combo decks to work efficiently. The Second Critical Error was the
replacement of a colon (:) with a semicolon (;). While this would be
later recognized as a marketing stunt to foreshadow the release of
Book 13 of the Elemenstor Saga, at the time all it caused was rules
havoc as it caused many players to completely disregard the next set
of rules. These rules included the explanation of Flip Timing
Subpillars, Superpillar Damage Management, and an interesting
procedure based on tail recursion which cleared up any rules
inconsistencies in the game and allowed all rules to be clearly and
concisely explained; it also allowed all currently unsolved mysteries of
some Pillar-heavy combos to be easily explained. It is not believed
that any written copies of this procedure remain in existence.
The Third Critical Error remains a mystery to this day. No one can
quite agree on what it was, though it’s commonly accepted that it was
a really big problem.
While the Three Critical Errors themselves are well known debate
still exists as to whether they were cause by a freak printing accident
or by deliberate sabotage by a disgruntled employee. Whichever it is
the confusion caused to beginners and tournament veterans alike is
still remembered to this day.
Throbald the Somewhat Addled
Throbald the Somewhat Addled presents somewhat of an interesting
character for people trying to create a chronology of ELotH:TES. He
is acknowledged as one of the greater Warrior Elemenstors, however
this title is hardly his fault. He often wanders into stories without
512
being mentioned, described or even explained as this section of Book
Six: Nightstand’s Peril shows:
His hand broke through the soft wood of what was
once an ambulatory dresser.
”This place makes me want to be sick!” exclaimed the
solitary Elemenstor.
Throbald the Somewhat Addled grunted his agreement.
The most famous case of his sudden apperance was when he was at
the head of the wedge of knights that destroyed the armies of the
Twelve Realms in the Battle of Near Competence at the end of the Fumbling
Offensive. His position at the head of this unit lead the others on the
field to assume that he was the General of the armies of Vhadxi. The
fact that he had meant to lead the armies of Twelve Realms means little
to the many dead due to his strange behaviour. For almost a hundred
years he was considered an enemy of all good folk until he tripped in the
square of a town that had been cursed never to laugh, thus breaking
the curse and giving the people a good laugh. Some say that there was
no curse, but it helps to maintain his mythos.
Giving people a good laugh is another tendancy of Throbalds, he is
noted for his apperance as a jester in the courts of several kings who
can prove that they have never hired a jester (or laughed so hard).
His tendancy to suddenly enter a situation is complimented by his
negation of all apparent laws of time and space, where by he will
often discuss events that have not even been thought of yet and has
even been reported as being in two places at the same time. This has
lead to speculation that he is, in fact, a Chronosorcellor, but there is little
evidence to show that he has the ability, or even the intelligence to
be. Another idea is that he is a recurring joke created by the collective
efforts of the creators of ELotH:TES as a way of confusing the
general fan base. Others argue that he was introduced to provide
(very obvious) foreshadowing, if statements like “I missed you after
you died on that cloudy day in April.” can be considered foreshadowing and not a spolier. The majority of his off-handed, and yet
extremly ominous, remarks come to make sense in the fulness of
time, although many continue to cause unrest while the remain
unfulfilled. For example, his famous declaration: “Nobody ever
513
suspected the true nature of the snorkiepies until it was too late to
prevent the tragedies.” still prevents many people from tasting the
rather tasty (and completely harmless) confection.
An interesting side note is that Throbald the Somewhat Addled is the
only character to have been in all incarnations of ELotH:TES unchanged, his original description fitting his final image in Wizbits
Extreme.
Thule Runderkrust
Thule Runderkrust, son of Aedna and Yammal Runderkrust, lived a
completely uneventful life, utterly devoid of interesting anecdote,
except for the day that he blew himself up in a spica mining accident.
The cataclysmic event breached an underground spring which caused
the formation of The Accursed Lake in the Wang Mountains. Due to
the volatile time sorcelly nature of spica, the date of the explosion
(and therefor, the entire history surrounding Thule and his lake) is a
point of some argument, but it is generally agreed upon that the
explosion occurred in 3,743 TMSK.
The Tides of Epic Conflict
Saga
by Paul S. Thompson
Books
•
•
•
•
514
Book One: Tides of Sicklemire
Book Two: Hopebane’s Gambit
Intermission Between Book Two and Book Three: The
Winds of the Ultracraggoths
Book Three: Return to the Epic Sicklemire Dilemma
The Tides of Epic Conflict Saga was originally released as three
separate shorter novels under the names Tides of Sicklemire,
Hopebane’s Gambit, and Return to the Epic Sicklemire Dilemma.
Eventually they, along with a seemingly unrelated short story entitled
The Winds of the Ultracraggoths, were released as a single 1184 page
masterpiece under the name The Tides of Epic Conflict Saga.
Criminally underappreciated, the ToECS enjoys only limited
popularity among the greater ELotH fanbase, though it does have a
committed group of fans who claim it’s ‘just as good’ as Mr. Brahe’s
Epic work. Interestingly, it received largely better reviews than
ELotH:TES did, though this is largely attributed to annoyance among
the greater critical body of Mr. Brahe’s supposedly-undeserved
success. Although many see it as another cheap attempt to cash in on
EloTH, most see it as a welcomed, but slightly inferior addition to
the ELotH canon.
The saga takes place entirely within The Sickle, during the years
between 11,384 and 11,396, chronicling the period of Eldritch
Treachery and Epic Intrigue that took place in the events leading up
to Hopebane’s Bane and the Pax Hyacinth with the restoration of the
Throne of Cream.
Elemenstation on The Sickle
The Sundered Era saw a rise of the codified common use of common
low Elemenstation on The Sickle. Perhaps this was influenced in some in
perceptable way by the distant activities of Harbinger Portent on The
Shield. Elemenstors from this period were relatively powerful
compared to any Low Elemenstors from a previous or later era,
although not as powerful as the later High Elemenstors who had access
to the teachings and discoveries made from the great Unsunderers
study of the Starborn Gem. They did however discover, perhaps
independantly of any other group, the art of Transchanting, and so
Furniliars were not uncommon in this era. After the Unsundering
there remained little trace of this Elemenstor culture. It is possible
that these arts were largely lost in the long Pax Hyacinth.
Characters
515
Blacksmith Smithy Blackfinger
Duke Amalgum
Duke Hopea
Hondana
The Hyacinth Emperor
Frolick the Fureater
The Kapiten
Lady Ambivilia
Lady Arisa
Lopae of Hopea
Lord Hopebane
Percy Mulligan
Sir Fennelton
Skizzlefrok
Yam-Eaters
Timenes
Back to Elements | Back to Complete List of Elements
This is the existence of Time itself. It was
one of the original Ur-Urelements to
come out of the primal chaos, along with
Epic, Voidnes and Spacenes. Timenes could
have a symbol, but it would probably be
something stupid, like a clock. So it’s
better off without one.
There have been some philosophical debates on whether Time was
indeed first or not. Those who study Timesorc’ley generally employ the
simple argument of “Time had to come first because there was no
time before it so nothing happened until it arrived”. Their opponents
who study Liberal Arts respond with “It doesn’t make sense to talk
about Time (and hence Timenes) beginning because without Time
nothing can be ordered temporally at all- so Time has to have always
516
been.” They then go off together and drink heavily to relieve the
constant headaches they suffer.
Comments & Discussion
(I always thought “Timenes” was just a typo- is it
really “Timenes” and not “Timeness”? -toshi.m)
(I think it is actually “Timenes”, pronounced “tim-uhnes” however I could be wrong -Nathan)
(Given that the Ur-Elements often have archaic
spellings, it is not inconceivable that “Timenes” is
indeed the correct way to spell the word. I’d have to
agree with Nathan. -Jonny D)
(Yes, Timenes is the way that I’ve always seen it
written. There are some lame puns in the Wizbits that
involve a confusion of the term “timenes” with the
notion of a “time menace”.
(Maybe it could have one o’dems melty clocks as a
symbol?)
The act or practice of manipulating timenes, a practice which may be
distinct from Elemenstation.
When most think of timesorc’ley, they of course think of Banachronation, the act of travelling back in time. Banachronation is often the last
skill mastered by students of timesorc’ley. The Master Chronosorcellors
hold that this is because of the sheer difficulty of banachronation and
its potential for abuse by the young and foolhardy. In fact, the
opposite is true, as there is nary a skill at the disposal of a young
chronosorcellor that is of less consequence. It is commonly thought that
this is a ploy by the master chronosorcellors to keep enrollment high
in their departments.
More useful acts of Timesorc’ley includes the mildly dangerous
power to generate time gas.
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Too Soft Mattress
The Too Soft Mattress is the half-brother of the Comfortable-Looking
Sofa. It too had back-straining properties with the added problem that
because its victims were comfortable they weren’t aware of their
orthopaedic discomfort until the next day - by which point it was, of
course, too late.
After the Comfortable-Looking Sofa was sent to the Tip of
Destruction at the end of Book 3, the Too Soft Mattress attempted to
avenge its brother’s death by tempting each of the characters in turn
throughout the book to, “Just get their head down for ten minutes or
so.”
Unfortunately High Culimancer Bertrick succumbed to its blandishments after partaking of The Large Meal In The Middle Of The Day After
A Heavy Night The Night Before, and spent the rest of book four being
unable to get up or sit down without a small murmur of pain,
followed by the infamous words; “No, it’s all right, don’t worry about
me, I’ll be fine.”
Toobanor
The Fancy Elemenstor
Toobanor, a Water Elemenstor, is one of the Elemenstors who rise to
meet the threat of Char Reyarteb and the Doorknob Marshals in the
Hierarch Wars. Aside from being occasionally referred to as the Fancy
Elemenstor, not much is revealed about his personal life and motives
other than his favorite cheese, Dark Hogs Cheese which spurred the
Elemenstors around him to complain loudly.
Tower of Power
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The Tower of Power was the home and laboratory of the Wandering
Philosopher Psychic Harbinger Portent. It was very tall and, oddly
enough, not as powerful as advertised, although it’s owner, knowing
the secrets of High Elemenstation, was very powerful indeed. It was
also quite difficult to heat effectively. This was the reason that closets
with various blankets and quilts were positioned strategically around
the tower. Unfortunately, these closets made up only a small
percentage of the total number of closets in the tower, many of the
others housing portals to the Nastier Planes, and other things that one
does not expect to nor wish to encounter when seeking a blanket.
Needless to say, the tower was not hospitable to guests. According to
legend, one of the doors in the Tower leads to neither a blanket nor a
portal to the Nastier Planes, and instead contains a vastly powerful
magical artifact that will grant its wearer eternal life and wealth. This
is almost certainly made up in order to get rid of unwanted guests.
The tower makes a notable appearance in Book 12, as it is the location
of Battle of the Towers of Elemenstation Power, one of the Epic seventeen final
battles. It also features as the title song from the somewhat disturbing
rap album It’s More Than a Tower.
Many of Harbinger Portent’s most famous Furniliars made their home
in the tower, such as Frank, his exceedingly comfy couch furniliar.
Transchanting
Transchanting is the process of turning a piece of furniture into a
Furniliar. This process is not well explained by the literature, but from
what has been gathered, it involves finding the Allsoul of an item and
convincing it, through a series of drawn-out negotiations, to become
active and to live. The best Elemenstors are generally better at
haggling a deal with the Allsoul, usually by flat out lying. Stream
Elemenstors tend to have the knack for this kind of transchanting,
though as noted elsewhere, Stream Elemenstors are regarded as
pussies, and nobody likes them.
Tribbits
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Page 897 of Aardnarsh’s Compendium (VII Edition*) describes the
Tribbits as “Generally a small and slender race, with the body of a
high plains wet-lizard and the face and neck of a fluffy kitten”. We
also know from Rickett’s and Toby’s Guide (Volume 20) that although
the Tribbits typically weigh less than one draughty, the larger of the
species can reach nearly 4/11 of a rotary tiller. Their gangly (though
often short and stubby) arms are almost always adorned with a crest
of jewels that identify their bloodline, but sometimes not. Most
Tribbets’ scales are a shade of bluish-green (though occasionally
greenish-blue) in their youth, but gradually fade to a bright orange (or
red) hue with attractive purple (or brown) highlights by the time they
reach adulthood.
The center of Tribbit life on Battel is the murky swamp known as The
Dank. Many Tribbet clans inhabit The Dank including the famous
Luskfish clan of Thithithmihos. The Tribbits of The Dank have
pioneered a number of industries unique to the land of Battel and
have made many important cultural contributions. For example, the
Tribbit Mucksucking profession yields the highest output of Hydrogenified Slurry in the world, which was integral in the production of
the renowned Dustcovers of Durin that have adorned some of the most
famous Furniliars in history.
Next to Hermes The Obtuse, perhaps the most well known Tribbit
figure in the ELotH:TES is Horatio of the Luskfish clan. His epic
adventure is chronicled in Tycho Brahe’s The Elementstor Cycle Book 1:
The Fires of Mount Windice.
Other Tribbits of note include Goldimaris of Blee featured in the
novella The Last Days of Blee.
*Astute readers will notice that Aardnarsh IV Edition has an
illustration on page 916 that shows a creature with the body of a
kitten and the face and neck of a high plains wet-lizard with a caption
that reads “A playful Tribbit suns himself on Dinga Rock”. This
caption was obviously incorrect, and should have read “The merciless
and bloodthirsty Ikkystik stalks its next victim with unjust prejudice”.
It was later corrected in the VII Edition of Aardnarsh as a footnote.
Fan Art
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http://elothtes.pbwiki.com/f/tribbit.JPG
TRotE
abbreviation for The Rise Of The Elemenstors.
Turnum
Turnum, the Smug Ape is a familiar of Dogus Brankorking, former Fire
Elemenstor and now Wasted Elemenstor. He is a familiar, which is not to
be confused with the magical companion of choice, the furniliar. He
served Dogus for many years as drinking buddy and backer-up of
drunken stories until he was dry humped to death with his master by
the Tordingwall outside of the Pig’s Annoyance.
The Twelve Realms of Antior
The Magic Sword Kings Period saw the frenetic rise and fall of twelve
mighty nations (listed in order of their destruction during the
Vampyric Wars, as according to the novel The Twilight Vampyres) :
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K’th’ith’h (Lord B’gh’d fell in 850)
The Kingdom of Parsonya (fell in 924)
Morlond’s Field (surrendered utterly in 925)
Shadia (fell in 939)
The Kingdom of Yymp (fell in 942)
Ithbarg (fell in 943)
Ithbarg II (fell in 950)
The Land of Thrown Fish (fell in 999 at the tail end of the
Fumbling Offensive)
Mandleclang (1003, destroyed in the last ditch offensive at the
Chasm of Eternal Sorrow)
Blee (1003)
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Graha (1003)
Kelembad (1003)
Portund (Continually applied for, but were never able to attain, Twelve Realms Status; never destroyed.)
The kingdoms were ruled by The Kings Council, the governing body
that included kings from each of the nations, presided over by a High
King who sat on the throne of Mandleclang.
Though many of these nations fought bravely, they all perished in the
Vampyric Wars. Although Battal continued to be ruled by Magic Sword
Kings for thousands of years, no period was quite so Epic and no
empire quite so grand as the unity created by The Kings Council.
•
See original map of Battal
Twisted Furniliars
Twisted Furniliars are Furniliars twisted by Dark Elemenstation. Much
as the power of Death can be drawn upon to create undead, the power
of Carry may “infect” ordinary furniture to create Twisted Furniliars. Dark Elemenstors use a combination of facets to manipulate the
Stream and Carry in furniture; usually Blood and sometimes Unlight as
well. (Any further discussion of the Dark Elemenstation techniques
involved must not be spoken of.)
Dark Elemenstors, being often outcasts from society, frequently draw
upon natural furniture for their Twisted Furniliars (such as the
Naturally Occuring Flying Wing Chairs).
Twisted Furniliars of Battal
The most notorious (if non-canonical) example of a Twisted
Furniliar was the Vile Furniliar.
522
Two legions of Twisted Furniliars appear in the ElamenSTAR episode
108, The Raging Waves of the Sea. These Furniliars are under the
command of the bumbling Warchief Bogg, implying that they were in
fact created by Char Reyarteb himself.
Other Furniliars Often Referred To
As Twisted
Bathtub Furniliars
Bathtub Furniliars, though deeply disturbed, easily manipulated, and
inexplicably possessing inhernet free will, are not correctly classed as
Twisted Furniliars despite their storied alliance with Kapybara the
Dark Elemenstrix. They are animated strictly through Stream Elemenstation and as such are well-intentioned misktakes, not deliberate
perversions.
Nightstands
It is a matter of some debate as to whether Nightstand Furniliars are
inherently Twisted. It is known that at least some rudimentary
understanding of Blood is required to animate them, yet Carry
Elemenstation is not necessarily employed in their creation. Most
Elemenstors agree, however, that whether or not Nightstands are
technically Twisted, it is always a bad idea to animate one.
The Infurnal
The infurnal are something of a conundrum. Technically, an infurnal
may be created from the remains of either a Furniliar or a Twisted
Furniliar—the original Elemenstation seems to have very little bearing
on the infurnal “recreation.” Due to the Dark Elemenstation involved in
creating an infurnal, they are often classed as Twisted Furniliars. The
primary distinction drawn by those who like to draw distinctions is
that Twisted Furniliars are generally animated from something
inanimate but whole, while infurnals are shambling, loosely-bound
constructs of wear, tear, and decay.
523
Tycho Brahe
Acclaimed author, compulsive gambler, and self-proclaimed “GodKing of Mesopotamia”, Tycho Brahe (November 18, 1978 –
Unknown), affectionatly known as “Ptycho” to fans (for reasons
never fully explained), is the reclusive author of the Epic Legends Of
The Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga. Lost the animation rights in a highstakes strip poker game, resulting in the Saturday morning series “The
Wizbits” and a pilot grant for “Wizbits: Elemenstorial Adventures in
the Lost Lands of Numbia,” later realized as an Argentenian soap
opera titled Una Hora de Acción con los Wizbits!
His marital status is a bit of confusion for longtime fans of Mr.
Brahe. In some reports he is married, in some stories he is single, in
one very confusing rumor he was said to have murdered his wife and
replaced her with a bucket on wheels pulled by a string. This last
rumor is, of course, ridiculous.
Apart from his mother, Deidre Brahe, and his Mexican cousin Juan
Brahe, he has no known relatives. According to Elothtes magazine,
he is believed to have been in serious relationship with British star,
Joan Collins, but that has been debunked by Mrs. Brahe, though not
by Joan Collins.
Speculation is that books 4-13 were actually written by as many as
three different authors collaborating under the Tycho Brahe name.
Little evidence has been put forward to support this hypothesis,
however. (See: FfaTTBE) Some believe this as another cause for the
drinking and pill binge of 1997.
Some postulate that Tycho is just transcribing the events of the Epic
Legends, as he found the Starborn Gem and is being used by it to see
those past, epic and legendary tales. Others believe that the epic cycle
is the product of a deep, soul-searing madness - a madness that
allows him to see into the darkest corners of his mind and dredge up
his most horribly primal urges which manifest themselves through his
written word. There is ample evidence to support both theories.
According to the followers of the idea of the Brahe Code, there are
fundamental truths about the universe coded on the pages of the
Elemenstor cycle.
Tycho is also deeply religious. As a devout Moominist Pastafarian, he
attempts to try and keep the teachings of his 2/9ths of God close to
524
his heart at all times. The influence of his Moominist roots are plainly
visible in his works, provided the reader knows what to look for. See
Pastafarianism and The Elemenstor Cycle for more information.
Tycho is notable for living without, or, more properly, will in the
future, live for a brief time without the use of either of his naturally
developed arms.
Some say “He is already dead”, but they were fooled by his enemies.
He KNOWS where the Beef is.
Other Works
He has also done some work in online syndication. These works
cover the history of The Sundered Era, and include such memorable
works as:
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The Unsung story of The Dyecast Nine
A Trip to Grandma Beureau’s Place
Beyond the Vale of the Ancients
See Also:
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drinking and pill binge
Fans for a True Tycho Brahe Epic
Gabe
Mike Krahulik
Single Author Theory
The Brahe Code
Having met Mr. Brahe, I can tell you that he is both a witty conversationalist and a snappy dresser. He is indeed the author of all works
attributed to his name, although due to certain contracts, he does not
control the rights to most of his works.—Tyge Ottesen Realmworlds
Publishing Legal Intern
525
Tyge Ottesen
Your voice within the Realmworlds Publishing Family. A strong
advocate of the community, and willing to give official comment
(where legally allowable) on issues important to this community.—
Tyge Ottesen Realmworlds Publishing Legal Intern
Tyrose
Tyrose was an unpopular background character who made his first
appearance late in Book 1 and who returned for a short time in Book
3. In Book 1 Tyrose was a courtier and aspiring magician who
provided some ill-timed comic relief. It is thought that when Tycho
Brahe recieved angry hatemail regarding the character he brought
Tyrose back for Book 3 (although it is never explicitly stated that they
are the same character; it is generally assumed that they are). The
Tyrose in Book 3 has apparently been demoted to court jester where
he attempts to provide even more comic relief. He quickly becomes
the victim of a Whatsinyeeargh and dies of blood loss shortly after. His
cameo appearance and quick death in Book 3 is thought to be
knowing commentary from Tycho Brahe to his burdgeoning fan-base,
specifically: “I’ll write what I feel like, so back off or I’ll do to you
what I did to this guy. I know where you live; you sent your adress in
with your Fan Club application.”
Ublarg
A race of sentient tablecloths introduced in Book 3. Often seen as a
sidekick to a dinner table Furniliar, the marketabiliy of Ublargs was
not lost on the ELotH:TES merchandising armada.
Ubrith
526
Ubrith is a companion of Ekezenthal, Zuumont, et al. She is best
known for her quest to destroy Spiral Doom after it killed her lover,
Jarvelos
She is a quiet girl with golden skin, black eyes, and long, luxurious
black curls. Her outfits all tend to be fairly gauzy. She has a cactus
ferniliar.
Do to the unresolved threads surrounding this character in canon
literature, she is the central character in several works of Fan Fiction,
such as Ubrith: The Untold Adventures and Chasing Death, which attempt
to bring closure to her story line.
Fan Art
Ubrith: The Untold Adventures
Ubrith and the mysterious unresolved thread from Book 11 involving her
quest for vengeance over her murdered lover is the subject of alot of
Fan Fiction.
This particular fic is fairly notorious because of the gratuitous use of
sex. Basically, while continuing where her quest left off in Book 11,
Ubrith is captured by slavers who bind her in Shackles of Null-Elements,
which strip her of her abilities as an Elemenstor. She is then to be
trained in the arts of a concubine, but manages an escape with a
527
plucky slave girl named Lyssi.
The two then embark on a series of very sexy misadventures.
The story, though fairly well written, is considered poor by most fans
who read it because it diverged too much from Ubrith’s established
character in Book 11, and because she seems to forget about vengeance over her dead lover about three paragraphs into the story.
That said, the fic had a wide readership due to the sheer ammount of
sexual activity that Ubrith engages in, as well as the very steamy
lesbian bath-house orgy near the end.
Timeline
This story takes place firmly during the events of Book 12, which
actually serve as a backdrop to Ubrith and Lyssi’s sexy misadventures.
Ubziz Forelock
A little-known hairdresser of no power and little prowess, mentioned
in several books. He has only drawn any serious attention from fans
and critics for the fact that he appears - however briefly - in books
whose timelines span far beyond the normal lifetime of man or
armoire. It is suspected that Ubziz is a Fancy Man, but this is a group
not known for their unusually extended lifespan, so the source of his
longevity must lay elsewhere.
It is speculated that Ubziz is one of many eulithian resonance vectorrelated hiccups in the normal flow of Timenes.
Underpants of the Underdeep
528
The origins of this terrifying and hirsute garment are lost in the mists
of time. Presumably they originated in The Underdeep, perhaps crafted
by minions of the Slightly Older Ones. It is known that they were used
by the savage War Men during The Savage Brutality Of The War Men to
subdue and torture unfortunate individuals from Arkleaf. Indeed, it is
a description of this torture that caused the evil Gorg Stinkrot to
initiate his quest to bring the undergarments once more into the light
of day (see Book 5).
Fortunately, neither Gorg Stinkrot, nor Felthar (who was sent after
Gorg to foil his evil plan) ever laid their hands on the pants.
However, Felthar did manage to trick Gorg into believing he’d found
them. Gorg, realising that he was being tracked by Felthar, summoned a Dyemon from The Underdeep. Felthar, thinking quickly,
whipped off his own underpants and vanquished the dyemon with
them, “accidentally” dropping them in the process. Believing the
garments to be the real Underpants of the Underdeep, Gorg grabbed
them and ran, only realising his mistake several days later and after he
had already covered his tracks by destroying his research. Dispirited
and embarrassed, Gorg vowed never to seek the pungent garment
again.
The role-playing game expansion Return to Underpants campaign was
apparently based on the events here, but apart from the name
nothing else links it.
ELotH:TES Canon
The Underpants are mentioned in Book 5 and some of the seedier
Fan Fiction.
Unlight
Unlight is a force of non-lightness. It is inherent everywhere in the
universe; some believe it is a basic part of the Elmether, or that it flows
forth from the Nastier Planes. Unlight can seep through any crack and
taint any portion of air. Torches, light bulbs and Fire Elemanifestations
drain the Unlight from an area, thus making sight possible within it.
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The Sun and the Bright Moons are also notable for their Unlight
draining capabilities, although the Hidden Moon is a great source of
Unlight.
Unlight is one of the three facets of Dark Elemenstation, along with
Blood and The Unspeakable. It is therefore sometimes considered one
of the “dark” Elements that make the forbidden techniques of Wrack
and Witherance possible.
References
In Book 12 we see the Portmanteau of Gespechio, which had been
sealed on a higher plane of the Elmether by one of the Hierarchs
(whether it’s actually Gespechio is still debated). As a result of its
sealing, it contained no Unlight within it, and thus was able to keep
some Cheese Squiggles fresh for millennia. This implied that the force
of Unlight has some connection with decay.
The Unlight War
spans from 26,788 - 27,522 (TUE)
“This land will forever be ruled from my Throne of
Tears, forever to be bathed in the Unlight of my
celestial crown... forever to be the submissive donkey of
my will.”—Vhadxi, from ELotH:EL:TDoUS Part 2
Introduction
Deep in the bowels of the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow, the Vampyre Lord
Vhadxi slumbered in his CryptoCrypt, until an Epic earthquake tore the
crypt asunder. Vhadxi wasted no time recovering his Fell Blade and
rebuilding his army to once again attempt to conquer Battal.
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Timeline Events
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26,780 - A catastrophic earthquake rocks Battal, splitting
open the CryptoCrypt and releasing the dread Vampyre Lord
Vhadxi.
26,788 - The Vampyre Lord Vhadxi raises an army of Vampyres and leads them into battle. Having never encountered
Elemenstion before, when he is met by an band of Elemenstors, he greatly underestimates them and is quickly defeated
in the Battle of an Unbelievably Easy Victory. The Vampyre
Lord flees.
26,795 - Taking time to pick through the ruins of library in
the Cerulean Citadel, Vhadxi learns of the art of Elemenstation that has emmerged since his long slumber.
26,797 - Vhadxi begins building a new Vampyre army, this
time choosing those with the Knack, and building a sizable
group of Unlight Elemenstors.
26,803 - Vhadxi resurrects his general Mo-pi, who he found
still staked to the top of The Impossible Spire. Vhadxi, who has
learned of The Clockwork Fortress sends Mo-pi there to round
up a band of Battal’s most hardened, evil, and deranged killers.
26,808 - Mo-pi returns with The Twelve Twisted Evil, a group
of psychopathic Dark Elemenstors, serial killers, and fiends
that were imprisioned in The Clockwork Fortress. He has
changed them all into Vampyres, and it is this group which
becomes the new generals for Vhadxi’s growing army.
26,958 - For 150 years, Vhadxi has strengthened his army,
based out of area surrounding the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow
and The Clockwork Fortress.
26,960 - Vhadxi, meditating in an affordable ElfStop inn,
identifies the Elves of Battal as the most likely threat against
his rise to power, and instructs his generals to begin a campaign of terror and destruction against the elves, begin with
small raids, but increasing in boldness and intensity.
26,983 - The Reunified Elfish Council of Elven Factions conviens
in order to mount a resistance to the Vampyre threat. Border skirmishes reported in most Elvin territories are worrying to most members of the council.
26,984 - The Falconriders of the Dim Elves enjoy a decisive
victory in the Battle of Terrible Vampyre Tactics.
531
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26,985 thru 27,480 - Vhadxi and Mo-pi travel together
throughout the lands, lending their skills in battle and
strategery to the Vampyre Armies. Across Battal, Elven
Strongholds fall to the forces of the Vampyric Hordes.
26,985 - A spear-carrier battallion of Extremely Elves is wiped
out by Arkus of The Twelve Twisted Evil and his horde of Dyre
Wolfbats, the first major defeat for the forces of light in the
Unlight War.
26,986 - Most of the Dim Elf Falconriders are wiped out by
Armba Alomba and the army of Dark Whiffle Vampyres that
she commands, few take notice.
26,986 - Dark Lord Prick’d of the Twelve, striking the dark
bassal gear of his own devising known as Unlight’s Eternal
Decay, begins his successful campaign against the Mean Elves,
leading an army of Folded Paper Armor Knights.
26,988 - Hij Polonowanabenshi, taking the form of a Soulferic
Bat, infiltrates the Forest Woods of the Witch-Elves, sowing
the seeds of mistrust from the inside, before bringing his
Vampyre Dark Elemenstor army in force.
26,992 - Gunter the Flick, Vampyre General and one of the
Twelve, leads his Agash Brigade into Aasanarra’iaryl, the land
of the Elf-Witches, and engages the elves there in a series of
escalatingly violent matches of Agash to determine the fate
of their kingdom.
26,999 - Three of the Twisted Twelve travel to The Sickle to
search for lesser known elven tribes.
27,042 - Vampyre General Grey Half-a-Brow, another of The
Twelve Twisted Evil, along with brothers Enxim Ott and Wbzun
Ott lead their armies of Unlight Elves from the Underkingdom
of Grth’lwythlnn (a kingdom whose entrance was reopened by
the massive quake) in a battle against The Darkmarch Elven.
27,044 - The final member of The Twelve Twisted Evil, Peter,
accidentally recruited by Mo-pi dispite a distinct lack of any
evil tendancies, manages to slip out unnoticed and seek a
destiny altogether apart from the grim business of warcraft.
27,391 - After 347 years of bloody battles on multiple
fronts, The Reunified Elfish Council of Elven Factions realizes
that even the proud and independant races of the elves cannot win this battle alone and dispatch their fleetest Elven
Messengers to locate the four Grand Elemenstors (scattered
around Battal after the destruction of the Cerulean Citadel and
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providing aid and relief to destroyed kingdoms) and to
search for additional allies.
27,399 - Divided amonst themselves, the Witch-Elves are
defenseless against the attack of Hij Polonowanabenshi, and
mostly are wiped out. Too late Hij realizes that Witch-Elves
are probably not technically elves, in the strictest traditional
sense.
27,400 Gunter the Flick defeats Wylayer’rinnya, Elven Witch
Queen, in a final winner-take-all round of Agash, and the
orderly dismantling of Aasanarra’iaryl begins.
27,410 - Dark Lord Prick’d finally reaches Great Gandandersanden, the capital of the Mean Elves.
27,422 - Armba Alomba leads an attack against the HighElves, who are unable to mount a proper defense. Alomba’s
forces sweep through the High-Elvin Crop Fields, burning
them as they go. The resulting Grey-Purple Cloud renders
most of Alomba’s forces lethargic and unmotivated.
27,448 - Enxim Ott and Wbzun Ott lead a group of Vampyres
that begin the systematic destruction of ElfStops across Battal.
27,480 - In a surprising display of undwarvenly compassion
for a fellow magical race, Ablongox the Particularly Unusually
Long Lived, Forge-King of the Dwarves, declares Kranakakrak
against the Vampyres.
27,485 - Goldimaris Irregulars from Blee arrive to fight the
Vampyre menace.
27,490 - Four Grand Elemenstors arrive, throwing their
might into the fray, Gilbert Bumflare the Grand Elemenstor
of Fire brings The Greatstaff of Burning.
27,499 - Joining the forces of good, Elemenstors of Horth, with
their formidable bedroom Furniliars and Bedding Golems
27,504 - Most of the Vampyre forces are driven back by the
combined Army of Elves and Allies, beat back to their stronghold, The Clockwork Fortress.
27,510 - Mo-pi reappears after a 30 year absence, wielding
the Wand of Unlight!
27,515 - The Kingdom of Parsonya falls to the Vampyre Legions, as the Vampyre forces, under Mo-pi begin again to
expand their territories.
27,521 - the Most Epic and Climactic Battle of the War of Unlight
sees the defeat of Mo-pi and Vampyre Lord Vhadxi. Without
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•
the key strategists and leaders, the Twisted Twelve fall
quickly.
27,522 - The end of the War of Unlight
Notes
The Journey of Wolfgang Apprentice is set in this era, but is merely the
backdrop for a more personal tale, and the major characters of the
story do not play key roles in the outcome of this conflict.
Unresolved Threads
There are many plotline that never get satisfactorilly summed up
throughout the series. For some, this was author Tycho Brahe
brilliantly allowing us to fill in the gaps, or solve the mysteries based
on obscure clues left throughout the series.
For others, this only fuels the controversy over whether or not Brahe
wrote the series on his own (Single Author Theory), or not (FfaTTBE).
Listed here by book are some of the more interesting unresolved
plotlines throughout the series, as well as some theories and debate
over them.
Book 7
The Disappearance of the Holy Hoagie
Book 7 makes passing reference to the disappearance of The Holy
Hoagie, the existence of which had been previously discussed in Book
5. The Holy Hoagie is never mentioned again in the series; it’s fate,
and if it was really of any importance, is left a mystery.
Most fans are unconcered with this particular loose end.
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Book 10
The Recliner of Botany and Guddboy
Lad
One of the more interesting Furniliars in Book 10 is the Recliner of
Botany, who never appears at the same time as Guddboy Lad. This
mystery was confounded by the fact that Guddboy Lad and the Recliner
of Botany seem to each have information that the other would have
learned, but they themselves were never present to learn themselves.
This link was never explained. Some believe is was simply bad
editing, others thought that Guddboy Lad and the Recliner of Botany may
have been the same person... which makes little sense as one is
human, and the other a recliner.
The most common belief is that the Recliner of Botany and Guddboy Lad
shared some kind of psychic link from their past. This theory has
been deeply explored in various Fan Fiction offerings, but no official
answer was ever stated.
Book 11
The Fate of The Eight Elemental Contstructs
Book 11 introduces us to The Eight Elemental Constructs, and a great
deal is made out of how epic and powerful they are. But as the
Hierarch Wars wrap up in Book 12, only three of them are dealt with
“on camera”. The Ambulatator, Skullmar and Black Flame are the only
three that are defeated. This has led to a great deal of speculation on
what became of the other five Constructs.
A great deal of Fan Fiction has been written in an effort to tie up this
loose end, but ultimately there is very little canonical information that
tells us of their ultimate fate.
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Ubrith, Jarvelos and Spiral Doom
Books 10 through 12 of the series detail the infamous Hierarch Wars,
but the completeness of the plotlines is very questionable, and the
best example is this particular thread. The Story of Ubrith, Jarvelos and
Spiral Doom is quite probably one of the most famous unresolved
plots in the series.
Early in Book 11, the Dark Elemenstors unleash The Eight Elemental
Constructs. The first of these we meet is Spiral Doom, and the Construct of Air engages in a rather epic battle with Elemenstors Ubrith
and Jarvelos. Alas, Jarvelos is killed, and Spiral Doom escapes.
Ubrith vows to avenge her falled lover, Jarvelos, and spends the rest of
Book 11 on a personal quest of vengeance. Indeed, entire chapters are
devoted to her search, and she became one of the more popular
characters in the series. Unfortunately, Book 12 never resolves the
plotline. Ubrith and Spiral Doom don’t even appear in the final book of
the Hierarch Wars, and we are left wondering what became of them.
Like so many of the unresolved threads, the fans have tried to
speculate on what became of Ubrith, but there is no official canon as
to her ultimate fate.
Valedaleglenhill
This village in the northeastern part of The Shield was subject to
massive geological upheavals during both The Sundering and The
Unsundering as well as many smaller upheavals, resulting in its
confusing name. As of the beginning of Book 7, it is more of a glen
than it is a vale, dale, or hill, but towards the end it is distinctly more
of a dale.
The village is administered by the Council of Elders and Betters, a group
of frail old men and easily frightened farmers, who decide that when
the village comes under threat by the Tentacled Ancient Beast Yamshothog
to send “three foolish children” through the trecherous Lands of Va
536
to Elddim’s Peak where they might inlist the aid of a conclave of
Elemenstors known to be found there.
Vampyre Pyre of Puppy Meat
The Vampyres are not pleasant peopleoids. Case in point: their
vampyre pyre o’ puppy meats, mainly done for show and for the lulz.
Whenever the Vampyres wish to make a point to their neighbors
(and their impressionable, easily-scarred and/or easily-scared
children) reguarding how truly Epically vicious they are, they round up
some puppies and do the deed.
Vampyres
Vampyres were immortal beings of corrupted evil. They were known
to don capes and make grand, theatric speeches. They eventually
perished in the Vampyric Wars, but not before taking down the twelve
realms with them. Their legendary bloodlust is only matched their
desire to seduce human females or/whilst lighting vampyre pyres of
puppy meat.
Vampyrism is spread through a bite to the collarbone. Vampyric
energies mingle with the victim’s blood and the transformation is
complete in mere hours. Symptoms of Vampyrism include hissing,
berating others for their foolishness, irritability, drymouth, and
enhanced night vision. If you or anyone you know thinks they may
be a Vampyre, it would be wise to direct them to the helpful tome So
You’ve Become a Vampyre. There is also a quarterly publication
available, Vampyrism Today.
It probably could go without mention, but Vampyres have unusual
strength, surprising speed, and startling visual accuity. The physical
capabilities vary between indivuals, but generally a Vampyre should
be considered quite a formidable opponent. Additionally, some
Vampyres are known to be able to speak to animals, change shape, or
otherwise manifest supernatural abilities.
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It should probably also be noticed that most domesticated animals
have a crazed unreasoning terror of Vampyres which can not be
tamed or broken. Dogs become feral, horses would sooner plunge
from a cliff or beat itself to death against a tree than be in the
presense of a Vampyre. The notable exception to this of course is
Donkeys, which appear to not mind Vampyres one tiny bit, and it
can be said that the feeling is mutual.
Periodically there are rumors of Vampyric ressurections, but there
has been no Vampyre nations greater than the armies led by Vhadxi.
It is believed that Vampyrism itself is semi-artificial, created by a
confluence of blood, Blood, and Death elemenstation. The process is
similar (though unrelated) to that used to create the Vile Automata,
although the Automata required the use of Wood Element in the place
of blood, and Carry in the place of Death. Besides those simple
substitutions, the chief difference is that Vampyrism are undead
created using a living or recently-dead host, while Golems are
infurnals created from fully destroyed/inanimate raw materials.
Because of what is known about the elemanifestations driving the
Vampyres, it is believed that there must be one or more Dark Rubian
crystals that fuel the evil hearts of all Vampyres. While the theory is
sound, no evidence of the existence of such crystals exists.
While not actual vampyres, there are several young and disenfranchised peasant youths in the land of Battal that call themselves such.
They are to be distinguised from actual Vampyres as they are total
pussies and will run from a fight, have no super powers, and spend
much of their time listening to bad music and adding spikes to their
black peasant frocks. They are beleived to be the prime originators of
the trenchcoat, which is suprisingly cool, all things considered.
Vampyric Wars
The Vampyric Wars began in the year 803. The beginnings of the war
lie shrouded in mystery, but it is generally agreed that the instigator
was the mighty Vampyre Lord, Vhadxi, wielder of Fell Blade. The
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immortal vampyre had amassed an army tens of thousands strong,
burning and pillaging the lands of the twelve realms. Coming at a time
of internal strife in many of the realms, entire nations fell before their
organized onslaught. With every fallen nation, the ranks of the
Vampyres swelled.
A council consisting of delegates from Graha, Mandleclang, and Blee
convened to attempt to unite to meet the Vampyric threat, but
unbeknownst to the nations, the Vampyre agent Radamarst infiltrated
their conference. Radamarst spread discontent and distrust amongst
the delegations, ensuring the twelve realms division and conquest.
The first slowing of the vampyric onslaught was the betrayal by
Vhadxi’s queen, Adhnaten. Not content to play second fiddle in
Vhadxi’s vast empire, she stabbed him during a moment of intimacy
and claimed the throne as her own. The ensuing conflict between
loyalists to Vhadxi or Adhnaten stalled the growth of the empire.
Vhadxi was not really dead, however, and soon rose from his
dreadcoffin and deposed his treacherous queen. No one is sure what
happened to her, but it is said that her tortured screams and sensous
moans could be heard from the dungeon in Vhadxi’s citadel of
Blackest Minathok.
Eventually the forces of the nation of Kelembad launched a last-ditch
assault on the vampyric forces. The army of Kelembad took
advantage of the rare stellar alignment of the Moon with the
constellation O’nv’ience’C, allowing them to battle the Vampyric
forces under no less than eight solid months of an unwaning full
moon (Note: For those readers who have been negligant in their readings,
Vampyres are most vulnerable under the light of the full moon, as was explained
in Chapter 7c of Book 6 of The Elemenstor Cycle). This epicest of epic
struggles (for its time) culminated in a pitched battle at the Chasm of
Eternal Sorrow. The leaders of Kelembad found that Vhadxi’s unlife was
too strong, and he could not be killed. There was hastily constructed,
after the end of the war, the massive CryptoCrypt to contain him. This
was yet one more horror to be hidden deep in the Chasm of Eternal
Sorrow, and it was long indeed before Vhadxi rose again.
This calamity destroyed the last remaining nations of the twelve
realms, but finally brought the vampyric threat to an end.
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It is said that to this day that, in the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow, a
kind-hearted child can hear the howls of the Footstool Brigade as they
throw themselves off Lemmings’ Bluff to avoid surrending their
talents to the dark mahogany stains of the mighty Vampyre Lord,
Vhadxi.
The fall of the twelve realms of Antior is largely chronicled in The
Twilight Vampyres, a book in the The ElemenstorLance Series. The first
chapter of the book was printed in ELotH:TES Magazine under the
title of The Vampyric Wars Begin three months before the full novel
was published. It is believed that the entire rest of the novel was
written in that three months. The final days of the war are chronicalled in Garth Ennis Presents: The Vampyric Wars
Excerpt from The Vampyric Wars
Begin
It was year 790, early evening, in a large torch lit
circular chamber known as the High Vault, the
meeting place of The Kings Council.
Two kings stood and spoke in hushed tones, awaiting
the arrival of the others.
”You are not the man your father was, Ronard,” a tired
and somehow stretched looking Draxle said to the
other king. He continued in a hushed tone, “These are
dark times and the storm clouds of war gather on the
horizon. There are those within my court who wish to
steal my throne from me and other enemies are
drawing near. I fear that I shall not much longer sit on
the throne of The Vampyre Kingdom.”
”Don’t speak of such things, old one. The alliances
that stand between our nations have put an end to war
as it once was. Not for nigh on a thousand years has
there been mighty battles which have raged across the
face of The Greater Island. The alliances will hold.”
540
Excerpt from Peter and the Vam-
pyre
Peter pushed open the heavy stone doors and golden
rays of sunlight flooded into the crypt. The light
stabbed into his eyes and left him temporarily blinded,
but it did not cut into his skin. There was no searing
pain, this light, this intense, holy, untouchable light, a
thing to be respected, feared, and longed for by his
kind warmed his body and gave strength to his weary
soul.
His raised his arms and held his arms in front of his
face to sheild his eyes. He looked about and saw the
grounds in a misty, bluegrey dawn, a way in which he
had never seen his sire’s grounds before. The vibrant
purple violets that grew between the weeds, the green
in the grasses that grew up around the house. On the
horizon, the sunrise, a firey halfcircle of luminescence
crowned in orange and gold.
A smile came to his dry, cracked lips, for the first time
in untold ages. What was it that his sire had called
sunlight? Ah.. Michael’s Fire.
Important Vampyres of the Vampyric Wars include:
•
•
•
•
Lord Vhadxi, leader of the Vampyres
Adhnaten, former consort of Lord Vhadxi
Radamarst, Vampyre spy
Mo-pi, Vampyre general and one-time possessor of the Necrowombicon
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Vhadxi
The Vampyre Lord credited with organizing the forces of the
corrupted dead to lay waste to the twelve realms. It is generally agreed
that he came to power because he had a longer cape and made more
theatrical speeches than the other Vampyres.
Vhadxi’s person philosophies and tenants of vampire culture came to
form the Cult of Dark Destruction. Which continued to sow evil down
the ages.
Vhadxi’s stronghold was known as Blackest Minathok and it stood on
the cliffs overlooking the southernmost edge of The Shield.
True to his Vampyric nature, Vhadxi kept several mistresses in
addition to his queen, Adhnaten. Some human, some vampyre, some
neither, his tastes ran to the exotic. His greatest pleasure was the
game of seduction. He would toy with his mistresses for months at a
time, discarding them when the thrill died. His sensous conquests will
be the subject of an upcoming novel series, The Castle of the Vampyre
Lord.
Also, Vhadxi’s possession of the notorious Fell Blade indicates that he
was once a Magic Sword King himself! Sources differ on what could
have caused him to turn to evil, but undoubtedly his experience as a
monarch and intimate knowledge of the politics of the twelve realms
contributed to make him an even greater threat than he would have
been otherwise.
His greatest failure as a leader was failing to understand that since
Vampyres have no real economy amongst themselves, it is insensible
to attempt to tax them by means other than accepted currency, which
they have no use for anyway.
Perhaps his greatest legacy, despite the terrors he wreaked upon
Battal, was his invention of Battal Universal Standard Time, a system of
reckoning widely used right up until The Ending Times.
During his second bid for control of Battal, Vhadxi made great use of
dark elemenstors. It is unclear if Vhadxi himself ever actually learned
elemenstation or merely learned much about elemenstation. There is
no specific mention of him having the knack. His various and sundry
542
supernatural powers may have been elemenstation based, or merely
attributed to his substantial Vampyric powers.
Lord Vhadxi’s Personal Timeline
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Unknown - Founds the Cult of Dark Destruction
Unknown - Fed up with latecomers to meetings of his new
cult, declares Battal Universal Standard Time
Unknown - Introduces the Puppy Meat Tax
799 - Partly responsible for The C’nf’s’ng Trade Dispute. Due
to Vhadxi’s misunderstanding it was agreed that the Vampyres would be allowed to inhabit the mines beneath G’nth’l
in exchange for exclusive distribution rights to Vampyric
Freezees in the Twelve Realms
801 - Wrestes control of The Vampyre Kingdom from Overseer
Drihzxi, and does away with the title of Overseer, preferring
to be known simply as Vampyre Lord.
803 - Declares war on the Twelve Realms
In the same year, the Vampyric Wars begin
850 - Kills Lord B’gh’d. This leads to the fall of K’th’ith’h
903 - Betrayed by his wife Adhnaten
904 - Revived by his dreadcoffin
In the same year, disposes of his treacherous wife Adhnaten
1003 - Bests King Pomcloud in single combat Leads to the fall
of Graha
In the same year, he is finally defeated by the armies of the
Twelve Realms. His unlife is too great to be vanquished entirely but the armies manage to seal him within the
CryptoCrypt in the depths of the Chasm of Eternal Sorrow
These cataclysmic events plunge Battal into the period
known as The Wandering Age. Vhadxi remains sealed in his
tomb for more than 25,000 years
26,780 - Released from the CryptoCrypt by an Epic earthquake
26,780 to 26,788 - Has a thoroughly Vampyric yawn and
stretch, then wastes no time in raising an army to begin The
Unlight War
26,795 - Learns the art of Elemenstation (or at least learned
much about Elemenstation)
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•
•
26,808 - Creation of The Twelve Twisted Evil at the hands* of
Mo-pi
27,521 - Defeated by the combined power of The Reunified
Elfish Council of Elven Factions, his dark power finally leaves
the face of Battal for good
See the timelines for The Magic Sword Kings Period and The Unlight War
for a broader overview of his military campaigns
This entry could definately use some fleshing out. -tim
Haha! I get it! -SamSim
•
Technically “at the teeth of”
Vile Worm
Vile Worm was the most vile of The Eight Elemental Constructs,
representing the perverted force of elemental Life.
Vile Worm appeared as a giant, bulbous, asexual tenticled worm,
dripping with mold, fungus and disease. Wherever it slithered, terrible
mutated plantlife would erupt from the ground, shooting spores and
pollen in every direction, and terrible mutated insects would slither
from it’s pores to sting it’s foes. It was truly an epic beast.
Attuned to the very power of Life, it was impossible to kill Vile
Worm by conventional means, as it would just promptly revive itself
when it was killed, as it did after being slain by Elemenstor Zuumont
for the first time during Book 11.
Indeed, in the canon storyline, Vile Worm is never permanently
killed. After it’s first appearance in Book 11, we only hear accounts of
its destructive rampage towards Terle, but never actually find out if it
reaches it’s destination, nor of its ultimate fate. Several Fan Fiction
544
authors tried to guess as to what ultimately befell this Construct.
Most notable is the story Splitting the Worm.
Highest peak in the Wang Mountains. This peak was the site of an epic
struggle in Book 4 of The Elemenstor Cycle, wherein the grizzled Sotar
Olderndirt, with the aid of his end table furniliar, Bom, single-handedly
stopped a legion of War Men from returning to the surface. This was
followed by what fans have agreed is one of the most poignant parts
of the entire saga. Sotar, his mind finally broken by the ravages of
Elemenstation and old age, descends rapidly into senility, starts calling
Bom by the wrong name, and ultimately walks off a cliff, foreshadowing the end of Princess Crystalcrown at Mount Wor.
Many believe that Sotar was actually in the throes of an ill-timed
prophetical vision and was trying to pass a message on to Bom,
whom he referred to as “Princess”. Sadly, Bom’s days were ended
after he accidentally visited an auction and was sold and refinished.
Wang Mountains
An epic mountain-range in Western Battal. Its most prominent
feature is Mt Wang, which is the tallest and most phallic of all the
mountains in the range.
The Wang Mountains are the ancestral stronghold of the Deathrider
Ninja Clan.
The mountains are named after the Wangs, the first race to inhabited
these lands. Wang civilization reached it’s pinnacle during The
Wandering Age, also known as the Wang Era, during which the Wang
Kingdom came into being.
See Also: Tales of the Wang Mountains
545
The Wang Mountain Range, epic in it’s scope and grandeur
The War Men
(Shokurung: Shokurung’onk)
A race of diminuitive, bearded psychopaths, living only for war and
conquest, hailing from the underground Savage Barrenlands. Previously
completely closed off from the outside world, passages to the surface
of The Sickle were opened by the tremendous upheaval of The
Sundering. Soon, raiding parties of War Men were terrorising the land.
Many was the village that was burned, and its inhabitants enslaved, by
a band of War Men mounted upon their fearsome Bitterscorpion steeds.
During the period known as ‘The Unsundering’, the War Men continued their reign of terror, their underground tunnels granting them
access to even the most fortified of locations. In 15,548, a band led
by Kundo Maaa - the mightiest, burliest War Man of the period attacked Castle Whitecrag, murdered the Benevolent Archduke, and stole
the legendary Pendant of Many Seasons. This act so struck fear into
the leaders of the Sickle that they were forced to sue for peace - in
15,555 the Barrenlands Charter was signed, granting the War Men an
aboveground realm that would become known as the Desolate
Plains.
However, this state of relative peace was not to last. During the final
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tumult of The Unsundering, the Desolate Plains were laid to (even
more) waste, and huge sections of the Savage Barrenlands collapsed
upon themselves. Shamed and homeless in the newly reunited Battal,
the War Men were approached by the sinister Char Reyarteb. Exerting
the power of his Starborn Gem, Reyarteb restored the Barrenlands. In
exchange, the War Men would serve as soldiers in his dark armies.
This unholy alliance lasted for many millenia to come. Many cultures
where consumed by the terrible wrathe of the Warn Men. The onceproud Arkleaf, home to an advanced culture, was destroyed during
the Siege of Arkleaf.
Unfortunately, the violent excesses of the War Men, so vividly
described by Tycho Brahe in his ‘Elemenstor Cycle’ were deemed
unsuitable for the animated series ‘The Wizbits’. This resulted in such
memorable mis-steps as introducing the bumbling Warchief Bogg,
along with his incompetent cronies Knuckles and Toasty, as recurring
adversaries and comic relief in the series. In stark contrast to the
previously established history of the War Men, these misguided but
ultimately lovable blunderers desired nothing more than a constant
home and big dinners. In fact, in several episodes of the series notably Bumble Rumble (Part 2) - Bogg, Knuckles and Toasty aided the
Wizbits in their epic quest, provoking the rage of their cruel,
manipulative master Reyarteb.
Culture
While the War Men are known for their brutal nature, there are hints
that they might have devolved from a more peaceful civilization.
They are frequently described as using such culinary weapons as War
Whisks and Battle Spatulas (called Batula by the primitive, monosyllabic War Men). It is suspected that the ancient War Men culture
regarded cooking as the center of society, and was driven to savage
brutality when their Spice Mines were tapped out. There are occasional
references made to the Arugula Wars. A favorite dish of the War Men
is their own savage form of grits.
War Men speak in The War Men’s Brutal, Guttural War-Tongue, a brutal,
guttural language used mostly for war.
The War Men have a primitive religion, which they call Grishak’hiki.
Some War Men organise themselves into the Clans of the War Men.
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During the time when the brutal War-Men were at their peak, a small
band of foolish and/or courageous Elemenstors journeyed forth to
study them in their natural environment. One of the Elemenstors was
quoted to say: “Crikey! War men look alot like Dwarves...in-fact...” But
then the hapless band happened to be trampled by and then beaten
into a pulp by the band of War-Men they had been observing. The
experiment has not been repeated since.
War Men Fanart by Rhok:
Warrior Chefs of Battal
Many groups in Battall have a history as storied and rich with legend
as the Warrior Chefs of Battal. The Warrior Chefs are, as their name
implies, Warriors. They are also, as the name also implies, Chefs.
Journeys of Alton Longsword
The Warrior Chefs were founded early in the history of Battal, when
Alton Longsword, having just been humiliated in one-on-one combat
with one hundred and fourteen separate instruments of battle, eleven
farm implements, three types of writing implements, and then
savagely beaten with a nearby rooster, swore off conventional
weapons. As recorded,
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Anger coursed through him, daring his hands to reach
out for the nearest weapon, but his eyes still stung, his
arms ached, and somewhere, he could hear that
rooster clucking softly, as though waiting. Suddenly
inspiration suddenly flashed through him. Rising to his
feet, Alton thrust his fists to the sky, and swore the
oath, the oath of his destiny. Though the weapons of war
betray me, I will be feared, if not for my flashing blade, then for
my cooking!
With that statement, Alton Longsword died, and the first of the
Warrior Chefs was born. For years he trained in the desert, dueling
spatula to spatula with the pancake masters in the east, training his
reflexes until he could gut a fishy trout in as it leapt from the stream,
scale, fry and serve it so quickly that only the skeleton landed back in
the water. To the Wang Kingdom he journeyed, where he learned the
Way of the Wok, and became the first man to master Spagetti Boxing
in over a hundred years.
Gathering of the Chefs - The
Bronze Age
Alton’s fame began to grow, and everywhere he went, his Battle
Skillets slung over his back, people whispered in the shadows, Food’s
come to town. Soon others joined his quest, Short Fry, master of the
Griddle, Mom, whose meat loaf was said to induce bowel convulsions even in the Quilp, and Emerill D’gustion, who pioneered the art
of cooking Red Turbo Swamp Slime Raccoons.
The Night of Broken Pots
Alton began to accumulate enemies, with every Quiche he served,
and every Pasta boiled, his enemies grew more numerous. Chief
among these was Rahy Krok of McDonaldonia. Fortunately for
Alton, and unfortunately for his enemies, many of the new Warrior
Chefs were as good at battle as they were at baking (Not least of
these was Bjorn Burning Bun, who was better at both than he was at
549
either), and as fast as they arrived, assassins dropped dead. Some died
of cholesterol poisoning, others of heart failure. Most died at the
table, unable to walk away from the deadly delectables. The Warrior
Chefs grew comfortable, and were completely shocked when the
Macdonaldonians Secret Police, the Mcstapo, raided their camp one
night, slaughtering the Chefs in what would be known as the Night of
Broken Pots. To this day, this remains the greatest tragedy in their
history. Each Year, the Chefs gather to observe a moment of silence,
and smash a pot (preferably on a Macdonaldonian’s head) to
commemorate this.
Founding of Teflonicus – The Cast
Iron Age
Soon it became clear that there was no safe place for a Warrior Chef
in Battal, no place to hang a pot without someone casting a curse on
it, no baking oven thick enough to turn away the enemies, so the
Warrior Chefs migrated to the northern plains above Mount Wor,
where they created the Teflonicus, the City of Chefs, known chiefly
for its ten thousand ride through restaurants, each large enough to
serve a battalion, and it’s Kitchen Stadiation, where the Warrior
Chefs engaged in their own unique form of Gladiation.
Rise of the Council – The Teflon
Age
Alton died at the ripe old age (for a Warrior Chef) of 48, and per his
dying wish, his ashes were ground up in the great pepper shakers that
hold the gates to the city. It is recommended that visitors to the City
of Chefs use the prepackaged pepper. With Alton’s death, the
Warrior Chefs recon the beginning of the Teflon Age. Amid the
confusion and fear that followed the death of their beloved leader, a
Council of Cooks arose to govern the city, regulate the silverware
used, and maintain the menus.
Feeding the Fires of War
550
Throughout the history of Battal, the Warrior Chefs have been
present to feed the fires of War. Without them, the War Lords of The
Great War Of The Warlords would not have had the energy to fight. In
fact, the warlords, camped about the base of Mount Wor, gathered
each morning in Teflonicus to enjoy a fine breakfast of Peep Eggs and
Raccoon Bacon, as well as camaraderie, before going out to slaughter
each other.
Head Chefs
Chief among the head chefs was Magnus Silver Spatula, who, with
Harmak the Horny, negotiated an end to the Great War of the
Warlords, which, while good for business, was bad for Warlords. The
short order cooks tell tales that say Magnus was born wielding a
Spatula, and a Cleaver (much to the harm of his mother). He donned
the sacred Cook’s Apron at the unprecedented age of 14, and won
his Chef’s Hat by holding the first Ice Cream Barbeque, in the heart
of Mount Windice. Magnus was said to have spared the life of one of
the Warlords, Marat. The tale goes that when Magnus learned of how
Harmak intended to end the War by giving away Quilder to settle the
debt that began the War, he chose Marat to live, because Marat had
cleaned his plate the day before. Feeding Marat a purposefully
undercooked Fishy Trout, Magnus ensured that Marat would be
unable to walk the next day, let alone accept the deadly gifts.
Magnus also forged the Rusted Spoon of Discontent, supposedly because
an opponent said
”Eat your heart out!”, to which Magnus replied with his ever present
wit, “No, YOU eat your heart out.” He then made his opponent eat his
own heart out. If nothing else, Magnus always carried through with
his promises.
Wasted Elemenstor
The Grand Elemenstor of Alcohol is generally given this title. Strangly
the Grand Elemenstor of Alcohol is usually amoung the least in-tune
with his Element amoung his peers.
see Wasted Elemenstors
551
Wasted Elemenstors
Also see Elemenstors: An Introduction
An Elemenstor that has “fallen from the cloth” as it were. They are
former Elemenstors that have decided to spend their nights recounting their adventerous tales to pubs full of adoring bar wenches and
patrons. They no longer use their powers for anything productive,
but rather live comfortably off of their own fame (and sometimes
that of others).
Water
Water is one of the basic four elements
of creation, and thus of High Elemenstation. It represents change, intuition,
girliness, slipperiness, blue things, and
car commercials. Its symbol in the CCG
is the Droplet.
Water is represented symbolically in the Weighty Tome of Elemenstor by
scantily clad nymphs with dazed looks in their half-lidded eyes. Water
Elemanifestations can summon sea creatures or shuffle the configuration of the board. Water-aligned creatures tend to have moderate
reflexes, low or high attitude (depending on the phase of the moon),
and abilities dependent on myriad dies and counters (usually colored
blue, but red if you’re a nonconformist or concerned about “looking
gay”).
A Water Elemenstor is also known as a Moistener and is the second
most common and popular type of element studied by Elemenstors
(defeating Earth in a surprise upset, but unable to beat out the vastly
552
more popular Fire.)
is the ancient character the Hierarchs used for writing the
word Water. It is often woven into the clothes of Water Elemenstors,
or printed in their magical items. The character is part of the typeface
used in printing the Elemenstor Cycle books and often appears in
place of the word water when referring to Water Elemenstation.
Related
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Elements
Air
Water
o Ice
o White Water
Fire
Earth
Heart (Debated)
Life
Death
Stream
Carry
The Four Vales
Aren’t there Elemenstor symbols for the Ur-Elements present in the
character designs for The Wizbits?
Weighty Tome of Elemenstor
Describes The Hierarchy, from before the Darkstorm and the destruction of The Four Vales up to the beginning of the The Magic Sword
Kings Period. The book also serves as the holy text for Vuksveufa.
553
Originally Oral tradition until Brother Dranor wrote it down durring
The Magic Sword Kings Period.
Quotes from the Tome are liberally sprinkled throughout the series,
especially in the chapter headings of Book 9. They also occur quite
frequently in cards for the CCG, especially the Sound: Be Gone set. It is
rumored that the Tome will be released in its entirety in paperback in
2008.
Wenches
While there is much talk of wenches throughout the history Battal,
there is still some confusion as to what exactly classifies someone as a
wench.
Wenches are, generally speaking, peasant women of a special variety.
They’re known to often lure men into their beds through the use of
ale and other alcoholic beverages. Wenches usually mean no harm to
the men that they have enthralled, and are just after a good time like
everyone else.
The term ‘wench’ can be either an insult or compliment, depending
on whom it is directed towards, and the amount of ale consumed by
that person.
Typical names for wenches include:
•
•
•
Tarts
Barmaids
Waffles
Note: It is very important that under no circumstances you confuse
The Dancing Polkarian Sisters of Octobavaria with wenches.
What the Quilp?
554
A zanily complicated story telling the events surrounding the
mettings of Quilpma and Quilpda, as well as Vaxin the Tiny and Rothgar
the Husband of Vaxin.
The tale begins as Vaxin is contracted by Quilpma to destroy a large
cow population. This brings her into conflict with a local Mud Farmer
and the conflict is brought before The Earl of James-Jones. However it
turns out that The Earl of James-Jones was really Rothgar Who Was
Pretender to the Title of Earl of James-Jones!
As the tale continues Rothgar is soon found out by the local deity
who sentances Rothgar to community service sweeping the streets.
When Vaxin dicovered Rothgar sweeping the streets Rothgar,
worried that she would think less of him if she found out that he
wasn’t an earl, informed her that he was also the Earl of Sweeping
Broom.
After a number of complex plot twists and Quilpma and Quilpda almost
meeting a number of times the two finally run into each other. The
two gods fall in love and instantly forget all thier greinces. Rothgar is
forced to admit that he’s not an earl (although he was once the
Steward to the Earle of Steward, Earl Steward, but that’s another story)
and Vaxin reveals that she knew all along but was hidding the fact
because she wanted people to think that a real earl had ruled in her
favor. With all grivences forgot the two happy couples part ways.
White Water
Everyone is familiar with the element of Ice and its inferior cousin,
Water (NOTE: The “inferiority” of Water is a matter of personal opinion, and
this statement may or may not be biased, unlike this note. Jackass.), but few
know of the mysterious third form taken by the element: White
Water. Although long considered nothing but water mixed with the
cream that leaks from the Bay of Cream, it is discovered in Book 11
that it is in fact an elemental form of its own. It is then used to defeat
Black Flame, who is lured into a deadly rafting match after he loses a
“braggadacio bout”.
The section involving White Water makes for some of the most
painful reading in the entire Elemenstor saga, and may well have been
a grudging parody of demands placed on Brahe by his publisher.
Arguments over its canonicity hinge on the question of whether it the
555
writing is a true statement of Brahe’s profound intentions for the
universe, or what amounts to a “forced confession” made under
duress. The section is, at least, mercifully short; the entire plot line of
Black Flame occupies two pages. The discovery and application of
White Water occupies a mere three paragraphs, most of which is a
thinly disguised marketing ploy:
Of course muttered Gordel to himself, it’s been in front of
my eyes all of this time! The delicous freezee treats that I have
long enjoyed, and enjoined so many others to enjoy, and purchase
in bountiful supply, is the third form of water to which all of my
calculations point! Fortunately, Black Flame is coming to “burn
our chops” at the fifth annual braggadacio slam on the Bay of
Cream this very evening. My investments, and those of anyone
else canny enough to make immediate purchases of frozen treat
stocks in the very near term, will go through the roof after this!
And to think that I wasted all that time on modeling the
behavior of markets, when I should’ve seen all that I need to
do...buy up as much stock in frozen treats as I can! It will also
help us to defeat this meddlesom elemental construct.
Gordel took his insights to his “boys” Arandar, Brotha
Fuchs and Brotha Baer. After spitting some truly hot
lyricism at the braggadacio slam, Arandar approached
Black Flame, hollering, “Yo, you’re pretty good at
throwing words, but can you throw yourself on one of
these lowfloating rafts? Let’s get our race on!”
Not one too pass up a challenge, Black Flame leapt
onto one of the rafts, burned it, and sank into the Bay
of Cream forever. Where previous efforts to extinguish him had failed because his blackness created an
endless reservoir for the water, the whiteness of the
water simultaneously extinguished his blackness and
his flame. The people of the Bay of cream rejoiced.
556
Windfield Plains
Lonely windswept plains in northern Parsonya. Home to one of the
Seven Great Herds of the Minotaur, few others venture across these
overcast and dreary lands.
The minotaur of these lands are of a particularly fowl disposition, as
their nomadic wandering are restricted by The Long Road, which
divides northern Parsonya from souther Parsonya with a fortified
wall which stretches from the city-castle DragonBone in the west, all
the way to the port city of BashRock on the eastern coast.
These minotaur can often be found frequenting Oblivion, often
searching for a weightier hammer.
The other primary inhabitants of the plains are the Barely Flattenable
Weaslefox, vicious pack hunters which are the bane of all but the
mighty minotaur.
It should go without saying, but the Battle of Windfield Plains from Book
12 occurred here.
Wizbits Elemenstor Battle
(CCG)
To view the rules for the game, see Rules.
To view strategy and terminology for Wizbits Elemenstor Battle, see
Strategy.
To view the card scanning/collection project, see CCG Reproductions.
557
For a little bit of history on the (infamous) Elemenstor newsgroups
see recDOTgamesDOTcardDOTelemenstor.
List of Card Names
Wizbits: Elemenstor Battle is the name of the Collectible Card Game
that spawned the entirety of Epic Legends of the Hierarchs: The
Elemenstor Saga. Players take on the roles of their favorite Elemenstors in a duel to the finish!
Original Early Sets
Originally released in January 1989, the first boxed of set Elemenstor
Battles (the original name) contained 226 cards and various character
creation tools. Although 3 pre-release promo cards pre-date the first
boxed set, they were not widely circulated and are (for various
reasons unique to each card) usually banned from play.
Set Name
# of
Cards
Release
Date
Elemenstor Battles
(Promotional Cards)
3
October
1988
Elemenstor Battles
226
January
1989
Features
Pre-release
promo cards.
Initial game.
This original release of the game was a moderate success for its
creators M. Holhik and J. Krakins, who hadn’t even intended to create
it until Holhik won the card printing plant in a contest. Several
expansions were released over the next five years, beginning with
Quest: The Chasm in late November 1989. The initial releases of the
expansions were only a moderate success and brought a few minor
rule revisions each time.
558
It should be noted that Elemenstor Battles was not originally a CCG.
The original 1989 release included a complicated grimoire and
character design system. That system was eliminated in the 1996 rerelease. Because the original cards are roughly compatible with the
new system, most original box sets have been broken up and traded
as CCG cards for the new game. As a result, it is extremely difficult
to put together a complete box set to play with the traditional rules.
With the arrest of Holhik and Krakins in January 1994, the CEO of
Realmworlds Publishing, Mich Fehkoo, was left in charge of the continued
production of the game. The original version of the expansion Seven
Staves was released in May, extrapolated from the notes of Holhik and
Krakins.
Original Expansion Releases:
Set Name
# of
Cards
Release
Date
Quest: The
Chasm
186
November
1989
Epic Legends
of the
Hierarchs
140
November
1990
176
December
1991
Vanish: The
Power
Relay: The
Wanderer
200
November
1992
Sound: Be
178
July 1993
New Features
Minor alteration to Pillar
Resolution.
No changes.
Clarification of Pillar
Resolution for Tournament matches.
Minor alteration to Pillar
Resolution. Many
optional rules introduced.
Addition of Optional
559
Gone
Reflections:
The Palace
Seven Staves:
Hard Knock
Life
Simplified Null Resolution.
196
257
December
1993
May 1994
Further Simplification of
Null Resolution.
Removed Null Resolution from game and
altered Pillar Resolution
rules.
After May 1994, little more was heard from Realmworlds about the
game; the cards themselves were removed from sale without apology
in August 1994, the official tournaments ended - Realmworlds
themselves refused to acknowledge their existance. The Original Set
cards are considered by most to be compatible with the later cards,
though a tournament in 1998 disqualified two players for using
“banned” cards from the pre-1996 era. This was later overturned
with little explanation.
The Wizbit Anime Re-Release
Then, in 1996, the initial set was re-released under the new name
Wizbits: Elemenstor Battles, to be distributed alongside The Wizbits
anime.
The first set of the new incarnation of the game was released in
January 1996. It contained many new, rarer cards, and changed the
text of several others, giving it 315 in total. The stats of the original
cards did not change, and most of the art remained true to the
originals.
560
Set
Name
Wizbits:
Elemenstor
Battles
Set
Code
CCG00WEB
Cards
300
Actual
Cards
(315)
Release
Date
January
1996
Features
ReRelease of
the
original
game’s
initial set.
The re-released initial set had a variety of rarities ranging from SuperDoubleCommon to the Super-Mega-DoubleUltra Rare Gangster
Octopus (Card). The re-release of the game received a very respectable
following right out the gate, with the initial run sold out in a
respectable three weeks. This initial burst of popularity caused the
makers to quickly set up a robust tournament scene, which had the
added side effect of increasing the rarer cards’ value very quickly.
Due to this popularity, the first expansion, Quest: The Chasm was
rushed out for Christmas of 1996. It contained 247 cards with a
wider but similar rarity range to the original set, with the surprisingly
useless but still very rare Moon Shimmer (Card) taking up the SuperMega-DoubleUltra Rare slot. Due to riots over the Gangster
Octopus card’s abilities, the public was slow to accept the expansion.
As support for the game dwindled, however, a resurgence appeared
in October with the burning of the last known copy of Gangster
Octopus in a Las Vegas suburb. Once the existence of the card was
purged, the once-loyal fanbase of the game slowly returned, and
realizing the opportunity that had arisen, a rush of new product was
released in the States. Following this, a rough block system was put
into place (one large expansion and two small expansions per year).
This remained stable until 1999, when it appeared the publisher of
the game was about to lose the license; in response to this, three large
sets (the largest in the game) were rushed to production. These sets
contained a great number of overpowered cards and generally poor
quality. During this time, Elemenstor CCG Plushies also began to be
561
produced. The license then transferred to a new company, who
continued publishing the game (after a long legal battle ending in late
2002). They returned to the block format and the game has remained
stable since.
Currently, 22 expansions have been released for the re-released game;
the first seven are re-releases of earlier sets with several cards added
(with the single noteworthy exception of Reflections: The Palace) to
increase the number of cards in the Rare and above slots:
Set
Name
Quest: The
Chasm
Collide:
The
Vision
Set
Code
CCG01QTC
CCG02CTV
Cards
240
180
Actual
Cards
(252)
(188)
Release
Date
December
1996
June 1997
Vanish:
The Power
CCG03VTP
180
(188)
December
1997
Relay: The
Wanderer
CCG04RTW
240
(252)
February
1998
562
New
Features
Addition of
Quest NonElements
and Half
NonElements.
Addition of
Sight
Elements
and Dream
Elements.
Addition of
Follow
Elements
and Follow
NonElements.
Addition of
Torn Artifact
Non-
Elements.
Sound: Be
Gone
CCG05SBG
Reflections:
The Palace
CCG06RTP
180
180
(188)
June 1998
(188)
October
1998
Seven
Staves
CCG07SS
360
(388)
February
1999
Tales of
the Wang
CCG08TWM
163
(163)
April
1999
Addition of
Torn
Support
NonElements
and Torn
Equip NonElements.
Addition of
Sub-Torn
Elements.
Revisions I
Rules Update
cleared up
many rules
grey areas,
simplified
rules by
adding
Superpillar
Resolution
rules and
linearizing
the Damage
Phase by
adding a
special
Damage
Pillar.
Added Focus
Elements,
563
Mountains
Sorrow
Knife
Heavens
Carried
Origins
Genesis
564
Focus
Modifier
Elements,
introduced a
new Focus
Pillar.
CCG09SK
CCG10HC
CCG11OG
130
130
88
(133)
(134)
(97)
June 1999
October
1999
December
1999
Added
Emotion
Elements
and Emotion
Addition
Elements.
Added
Emotion
Modifier
Elements.
Further
cleared up
rules
confusion by
making
Superpillar
Resolution
rules more
precise and
allowing
Subpillar
Resolution to
bypass
Superpillar
Resolution in
certain cases.
Carrion:
The
Marksman
Quest: The
Pyre
CCG12CTM
CCG13QTP
529
409
(529)
(409)
January
2000
January
2000
Added
Armor NonEquip NonElements,
Torn Equip
NonElements,
Supertorn
Double
NonElements,
Supertorn
Double
Elements,
Triple
Elements,
Triple NonElements,
Time
Elements,
Pathways
Elements,
Pathways
Equip NonElements,
Design NonEquip NonElements,
and Design
Equip NonElements.
Added
Racing SubQuest NonElements
and Duel
Sub-Quest
NonElements,
565
removed
Superpillar
Resolution
rules
complexity
from the
game with
the Superpillar Streamlining Rules
Addendum,
an optional
reference on
a new way to
play that
eliminated
multiple
pillars
altogether.
Repent:
The
Exotic
CCG14RTE
411
(411)
January
2000
Melodies
and
CCG15MaR
100
(102)
February
2003
566
Major errata
to all
previous sets
came as inpack foldout
sheets. A
subset of 32
cards in the
set combined
to redefine
almost 200
cards from
the past four
years; Added
Non-Historic
Elements.
First set
under new
Rhapsody
Adventure
and
Mysterious
Beasts and
Burials
publisher,
also first set
under
simplification
of rules to do
away with
Pillar
Resolution
entirely in
favor of Pod
Resolution;
removed
almost all
new Element
and NonElement
variants.
CCG16AaM
CCG17BaB
100
100
(105)
(103)
June 2003
October
2003
Further
removed all
Element and
NonElement
Variants,
replaced Pod
Resolution
with the
simpler Turn
Resolution
system.
Removed all
unessential
variants from
the game,
replaced
Turn
Resolution
system with
567
simpler NonResolution
system; also
made the
cauldron of
smoldering
embers
required
game
material.
Fly: Step
Forward
568
CCG18FSF
230
(239)
February
2004
Returned to
previous
system of
Pillar
Resolution
due to mass
confusion on
the NonResolution
system,
including the
multiple
pillars
subsystem
removed at
the end of
the previous
publisher’s
reign. Added
thirteen
different
Sub-Armor
NonElement
classes for
each body
part
protection, a
complex web
of Protection
Elements,
and SubProtection
Elements.
Swing:
Banner
Barrier
CCG19SBB
200
(200)
February
2005
Joy: Carry
Light
CCG20JCL
200
(201)
June 2005
No new
additions.
Tides of
Epic
Conflict
CCG21TEC
100
(100)
June 2005
No new
additions.
Buy our
Stuff Special
Edition
Legendary:
Knowledge
Deluge
CCG22BoS
CCG23LKD
250
500
(250)
(525)
October
2005
February
2006
No new
additions.
Inclusion of
Proof of
Purchase
modifiers.
Minor
changes
based on the
anime series’s
interpretation
of the rules
to accommodate
players who
tried to learn
from
watching it.
569
Unreleased expansions
Planned expansions that were unreleased for one reason or another.
Such occurrences are rare because of the inherent expense involved
in the designing of cards for such a complicated game.
Set Name
Planned
Date
Naughty Wizbits
June 2002
Legends of Infinite
Madness and Insanity
October
2005
Reason for Cancellation
Legal uproar over planned
content of cards.
Rumored warehouse fire.
Card Rarity
The Wizbits Elemenstor Battle CCG is printed on print sheets of 36
cards tall by 43 cards wide, for a total of 1,548 cards on each print
sheet. Listed below are the possible rarities in the game, and the
number of copies of each rarity on a print sheet:
Super-DoubleCommon: 500
Double Common: 400
Common: 200
Alpha Uncommon: 150
Omega Uncommon: 100
Rare: 75
UnRare: 75
Super-Rare: 18
Super UnRare: 18
Triple-Hyper-Rare: 12
Super-Mega-DoubleUltra Rare: Printed Individually.
Giga-Blaster-Rare: Unknown. Well, really rare.
Nonexistent: Unknown.
This data has been collected from bootleg copies of print sheets. All
570
copies of print sheets that have been stolen from factories, distributors, vaults, etc. have had this distribution. Super-Mega-DoubleUltra
Rares are printed one at a time using features on the machinery that
allow for single cards to be printed. Due to the fact that the Nonexistent rarity type has been proven to exist, it is uncertain how they are
printed. The Giga-Blaster-Rares were thrown into a furnace after they
were deemed- “too powerful (and rare) for mankind to collect.”
Determining the rarity of a card is difficult, and requires expertise in
Image Tone Interpretation. A beginner’s introduction can be found
in “Tone and Affiliation”, and precise details are located in “Tone
and Affiliation II”.
I think the following should probably be separated into its own
article allowing the discussion of how the varying rulesets changed
and interacted without muddying the explanation of the history of
the cards release. - Xaphod
I was thinking that maybe we should merge the orphan page CCG
Print Sheet into this part of the article. -saintb
Agreed and done. ~kertrats
Xoxor Xxar
High Servant of The Unspeakable itself. A being of ancient evil
entombed for countless ages below Old Karpithon. In Book 3, he is
freed from his timeless prison by the bumbling Elemenstor Bendloyer
Felkin.
His name is deliberately hard to pronounce, thus delaying the
pronounciation of The Unspeakable in any sentence which mentions
them both.
It’s for your own good.
571
Xoxor Xxar has a brother named Xixor Xxar (mentioned in Book 6),
and a son Yoxor Xxar (the main antagonist of Book 4).
Notes
There is some degree of confusion as to pronouns used with Xoxor
Xxar (these problems do not appear to plague the brother or son)
and questions as to whether Xoxor is a title or a first name.
Yalka
Yalka is a village in Terle. It is famous for its thousand-foot deep
marble quarry, Locin’s Fastness, as well as the great skill and subtlety of
its tinsmiths. Millet and rapeseed oil seem to play a large role in the
economy as well as the local diet (but see below).
Most of what we know of Yalka is unfortunately narrated by the
young Asana Millytopthought in the beginning of Book 8. She is
incurious of histories and law (at least until her visit to Captain Tev in
chapter 18), and thus though we have a good snapshot of everyday
life in the village—including what some felt to be far more vivid
description of the latrines than was strictly called for—we don’t have
very good encyclopaedic knowledge of the village.
During her brief stay in Yalka, Asana is kidnapped by Hazard’s Guess,
a quartet of wild Hatstands of the Totem let by Hazard Shibboleth,
unofficial ambassador to The Rogue Brewers of Kelembad, and held by
them for four days in a large wicker basket, where she is forced to
subsist on milk, cheese, honey, venison, persimmons, grapefruit juice,
mincemeat pies, banana splits, and root beer floats while each of the
hatstands spends a day regaling her with sung tales in an ultimately
futile attempt to convince her to give up her quest.
From this we can discern that Yalka produces a great many different
types of foodstuffs, or at least has access to many fresh foods
through trade. It can be assumed to be inhabited by expert
grassweavers, an influence of the Cohoris invaders that held sway over
572
these lands for a time. We can assume at the very least that the honey
was native to the village, since we have evidence of significant
apiculture through Asana’s descriptions of the “net men” and the
“great hum”.
While many of the tales appear at first blush to be fanciful, we are
told one which is explicitly stated to be historical, and luckily takes
place in Yalka itself. This is, of course, the story of Elibor the Insane,
whose attributed artwork appeared on the cover of the first printing
of Book 8 (which was, as we all know, subsequently recalled due to
binding issues and page misnumbering).
Yar the Sorcerial
Note: Yar the Sorcerial was not in fact a sorcerial; in his case, “sorcerial” refers to his powers of timesorc’ley and telesorc’ley. He considered
calling himself Yar the Sorc’lerical, which would have been a more
accurate moniker, but did not like having to deal with an apostrophe
in his name.
Yar the Sorcerial ascended from a line of Chronosorcellors known as the
Ohcyt Panamarans. Although they are mentioned throughout the series,
they are introduced as characters rather suddenly in the last five pages
of Book 13. This is generally considered an ill-fated effort to extend
the franchise.
Steeped in legend and mystery, Yar is known among the various races
of the lands as “The Foggy Mirror”, “Acips Giminimous” and
“Ruckwort Dawkcuf”.
Legend holds that Yar burst from his mother’s womb two months
premature, swathed in a cloak of flame, with the body of a five year
old and the leer of an unpleasantly-minded sixty year old. He is said
to have been born precisely at The Longest Moment. His mother
apparently did not survive the delivery.
Interestingly, it seems that the cause for Yar’s strange method of
entering the world was actually a spell cast by Yar himself at that
573
exact moment (though some 30 years later in Yar-time). For Yar
would later become the first in Battal to be well-learned in the arts
both of timesorc’ley and telesorc’ley. He then used and travel back in time
to The Longest Moment where he cleverly planted The Enchanted
Enchanter’s Hat of Enchanted Enchanting upon a dwarf’s head and
arranged for it to be struck by Ronard’s Very Large But Unenchanted
Spikey Hammer, thus opening a portal to Minuschitae. Travelling
through this portal, Yar lived the equivalent of several lifetimes and
gained much of his power while in the tiny kingdom. It was an
enchantment which Yar cast upon Ronard’s hammer (thenceforth
Ronard’s Very Large Enchanted Spikey Hammer) which re-opened the
portal between Battal and Minuschitae and sent powerful ripples
throughout both timenes and spacenes, triggering Yar’s own birth. For
more information on just exactly how this sort of thing works, please
contact the Chronoclave.
Yar is credited with manufacturing the ur-justification for all of the
Spica Wars that continuously wracked the Kingdoms. The urjustification involved the production of a temporal reflexarglamour by
which it appeared that whichever spica-rich Kingdom the aggressor
cared to invade was itself preparing to attack. He would invade and
plunder great treasures from the kingdom, and through the use of
telesorcellation, he would portgate unknowably vast quantities of
treasure to his treasure stronghold island on the far side of the world.
It was by a reversal of a temporal reflexarglamour that Yar induced
Zonard, otherwise a peaceful but foolish prince, to battle. The
cataclysmic battle which lead to the sundering (See: Eldritch Rift) was
of a duration that “extended beyond the farthest, epic reaches of
time”, although the conflict is also said to have “ended in the
moment immediately preceding the moment in which it began.” This
has been generally attributed to the dual existence of the Hierarchs as
forgers of the Starborn Gem and as a eulithian resonance vector (Brahe;9
134) of the Elemenstors themselves flung back into the past.
After causing the Sundering, Yar the Sorcerial alledgedly was called
out by Verdant Anuerism, who defeated him in a great battle that was
said to have been largely fought in the no-place in between the
seperated fragments of the world. Verdant was successful in
defeating Yar, and cast him into empty void, but Yar returning is a
frequent sub-plot in various stories, so his ultimate fate is difficult to
decide.
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Yellow Troll
Yellow Trolls are a large, hideously ugly tribal race. They live in the
generally avoided Ap’str’ph’ Mountains, warring with their bretheren
the Red Troll and the Spotted Troll races. The most notable feature of
the Yellow Troll is that they’re actually green. Allegedly, the man who
discovered them had a rare form of colour blindness, and couldn’t
distinguish the two colours.
Of the three troll races, Yellow Trolls are said to be the most violent.
They tend to roam the plains around their mountain homes and
attack and kill things just for the pleasure of squishing them beneath
their large blunt weapons.
Yellow Trolls are the only species of troll to appear in the main
canonical literature, having a prominant role in Book 2, Dawn of the
Dark Shadows. Because of this, they are considered to be by far the
most notable troll race.
The Red Troll as yet has only appeared in the Wizbits Elemenstor Battle
CCG and the works of certain Fan Fiction authors, while the Spotted
Troll made it’s debut in an episode of The Wizbits.
Yellow Troll Fanart by Rhok:
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Yoxor Xxar
High servant of The Unspeakable, son of Xoxor Xxar.
Yoxor Xxar appears in Book 4 leading a new force of Evilnors, and
with him comes the Doomblade.
Due to the Doomblade’s unwieldable nature, Yoxor carries the blade
in a specially designed evil carrying case, which is covered in dark
etchings and -unspeakable- runes.
Were it not for the exploits of the heroes of Book 4, Yoxor would
have certainly succeeded in re-forging the Doomblade to allow it to
be used, which would have unleashed untold destruction throughout
Battal.
Because of Law 106, all of Yoxor Xxar’s magical items were either
toe rings or brooms.
Gear:
Yoxor Xxar’s Enchanted Toe Ring of Smiting
Yoxor Xxar’s Broom of Instantaneous Mangling
Yoxor Xxar’s Mysterious Supression Broom
Extremely Comfortable Slacks
Zenethir Foulblade
Wearing a signature cloak of orange and green, and a worn pair of
yellow moccasins, Zenethir Foulblade didn’t look like an evil despot
to Horatio. The seemingly kindly hermit let Horatio into his small
shack out of the burning cold near the peak of Mount Windice. He
even served him Root Tea and a Yellowcake Crumpette.
Horatio never suspected that this elderly man was imprisoned here:
magically stripped of any ability to withstand icy fire, however briefly,
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he was trapped in this cabin prison.
After some pleasant conversation, Horatio was sent on his way, but
he had left behind something very important. Namely, the warming,
cooling, drying, moistening Omni Scarf.
Using the Omni Scarf, Zenethir was able to escape Mount Windice
and begin a wave of oppression and terror through all of South Battal
that was described in Book 2 of the epic Elemenstor Cycle.
Ultimately he was killed by a lucky blow from the Dark Doomblade of
Magical Overarching Darkness, weilded by an 11 year old girl named
Orphenna Troughberry, while he was battling her father Heeroh
Troughberry.
Zonard
Zonard was born to the line of Ronard after a period of almost
continual decline since the time of Ronard the Shorter. By the time of
Zonard’s birth, any child born to the in-bred clan who had more than
one testicle was hailed by court elemenstrologists as the “Heretoprophecied Savior and Redeemer of His Line.”
Zonard was remarkable in that he not only posessed two testicles, but
also a magical third zotesticle which enabled him to produce offspring
with any animal. Zonard famously carried his three testicles in the
zocodpiece, a little-known artifact of The Sundered Era. The court
elemenstrologists arranged a nearly continuous breeding schedule in
an effort to produce a super-race of enslaved man-beasts by which
the Ronard Dynasty could regain influence. As a result, Zonard is the
literal father of the various races of Dolphinthropes, Homo Canii and the
Chthonic Swinemen who, having been raised for meat for centuries,
were distorted by the powers of Dark Elemenstation, revolted and
serve as the villains in Book 8, where they strive to inflict upon the
human races the same fate that they had suffered.
Around the year 9,935, Zonard rather tripped over an errantly-placed
bag of lewt and accidently “lost” the The Rubion Sword in Oblivion. He
later claimed to have found it, but that was a dirty, dirty lie.
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As a result of his extensive breeding duties, Zonard was a peaceful
and little-despised, if mentally impeded, prince. He was easily duped
by the temporal reflexarglamour of Yar the Sorcerial into a battle for which
he was thoroughly unprepared. During the battle with Yar, it is fabled
that power unleashed by the crushing of his zotesticle boosted Yar’s
telesorc’ly and moved the entire land mass of the Sickle to the far
side of the world, causing The Sundering.
The Trans-Wirian Object (or, as the unwashed term this pitifully
small hunk of rock and ice, “planet”) Zonard is named in his honor.
Zuumont
The Formerly Harmless Elemenstor
Originally a devout practitioner of Harmless Elemenstation, Zuumont
turned to Fire Elemenstation in the early years of the Hierarch Wars
and later became one of the most feared enemies of the Dark
Elemenstors and the Doorknob Marshals.
In Book 11, Zuumont engages in some considerable heroics. He slays
Vile Worm in an epic battle, then ventures into Myrkmoom and
discovers the terrible truth about Bathtub Furniliars. He prompty
incinerates the lot of them, angering the Mistress of Myrkmoom, the
Elemenstrix Kapybara.
In Book 12, Zuumont plays a central supporting role throughout the
book. In the end he is nearly defeated by the vengeful Kapybara in a
climactic final battle featuring an unprecedented number of recently
rescued damsels in distress. He is saved at the last moment by the
spontaneous combustion of the Dark Elemenstrix and her Dark
Furniliars. After a brief and excessive victory celebration, Zuumont
finds out about the gruesome fate of his unrequited love, Amberberry,
and swears an epic oath of Blood Vengeance, only to be talked out of
it by Knobble the Desk.
In the Elemenstors’ final epic confrontation with Char Reyarteb,
Zuumont’s long-repressed frustrations are finally unleashed; the
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Elemenstor becomes an Infernal Being of Searing Rage, causing
minor damage to furniture and setting Baroness Sekulantra’s hair on
fire. This stunning conclusion to the character arc of the Formerly
Harmless Elemenstor was voted for The Most Epic Moment in the
Saga by 7% of the Elemenstorm 2005 participants.
Zuumont’s loyal companion throughout the Hierarch Wars is his
Furniliar, Knobble the Desk. The other key personalities in his life were
his longtime ally Verdant Anuerism and the object of his unrequited
love, Amberberry.
Zynthar Chinaskhi
One of the Wasted Elemenstors
Familiar:?
Death: Liver Failure (Not treated as canon)
Zynthar Chinaskhi or Zynthar the Renounced Elemensor was a
Wasted Elemenstor who was cut out from an early first draft of Book 6,
where he created The Bands of Heischar.
There he remained on the cutting room floor until marketing
executives of ELotH:TESP&PRPG decided to release a map
supplement and make him tell tales of the land.
The book was derided for its child-like scribbles of maps and
incomprehensible legend keys ment to add realism(as Zynthar wasn’t
a great cartographer). What saved it though was arguably the apex of
fantasy brothel descriptions done in such minute detail that the book
was soon pulled from the shelves, as for some reason Zynthar
coudn’t draw a map but could easily draw naked women in a variety
of poses in graphic detail.
Although Zynthar as a character was cut from Book 6 he is mentioned as the creator of the Bands of Heischar, although his reasons
are never given. It is commonly accepted among fans that he made
them before he Renounced his Elemenstor status.
While never appearing in person in any of the books, it is believed
that he was the writer of the erotic story appearing half-way through
Book 10.
What set Zynthar apart from the other Elemenstors was that he
579
found it rather difficult to live off his fame and instead had to take up
a number of menial jobs. Later on he managed to make a decent
enough living from the books that he wrote.
It was revealed in Erotic Tales of a Wasted Elemenstor that his surname is
Chinaskhi
He is believed to have died of liver failure but this is not treated as
canon
580