A Year`s Worth of Plays By Philip Dallmann

A Year’s Worth of Plays
By Philip Dallmann
Philip Dallmann
1/20/2011 Merlin’s Socks
Where are my bloody socks?
Merlin:
Lance:
Your bloody socks? Why would you keep bloody socks?
Not my “bloody” socks. My bloody socks.
Merlin:
Lance:
I’m sure the king could give you fresh socks. You needn’t wear socks you bled on.
Merlin:
It is true what they say about the French isn’t it?
Lance:
What is?
Merlin:
Never mind. Now I did the wash last Tuesday…
Can’t you just magic up some?
Lance:
Merlin:
No I can’t just magic up some. You think it’s that easy do you? What I do is an art! A craft!
That has taken years of difficult training…
Ok. Ok. I’m sorry.
Lance:
Merlin:
Besides…they’re never quite as soft when you magic up some…oh hell now you’ve got me
saying it.
Lance:
Let’s back track then. You said you did wash last Tuesday right?
Merlin:
Right. I was about to fold them…when the Queen came to visit.
Ok…
Lance:
Merlin:
She said Wart…. I mean King Arthur had been feeling down…a lot of hard
decisions…starting to become withdrawn…
2
Philip Dallmann
3
Lance:
Ok…and what was she wearing…
Merlin:
Oh for goodness sake, keep your croissant in your pants man.
Ok… was it that green gown?
Lance:
Merlin:
Lancelot! Focus before I turn you into an A-sexual worm!
Lance:
Gulp
Merlin:
Now where was I? Oh right! I was cheering Wart up. I decided to do one of our old tricks. I
change him into a bunny rabbit and then pull him out of my hat for some of the village
children.
Lance:
Was this before or after I came by with my…erm…problem?
Merlin:
The rash you got from kissing that man who looks vaguely like a woman?
Shhh. Secret rash!
What did I say?
Lance:
Merlin:
Lance:
Anyway…was that before or after?
It was…oh god…
What?
Oh my…Oh…Oh my…
Merlin:
Lance:
Merlin:
Lance:
What?
Philip Dallmann
Quick! Do you see a rabbit anywhere?
4
Merlin:
Lance:
No…wha…OH-MY-GOD…YOU FORGOT!
It may have slipped my mind…
Merlin:
Lance:
That was a week ago! How has this gone unnoticed? He’s the goddamn King of England!
Merlin:
Well you know Wart. Always running off to do something courageous with out bothering to
tell anyone.
Merlin…
Lance:
Merlin:
I mean really. Last time he went to fight Mordred he didn’t even give me a heads up. I mean
he at least could have said, “Oh by the way Merlin I’m going to go on a quest where I might
DIE!”. It’s not like I practically raised the lad or anything. Oh wait I did! And another
thing…
Lance:
Merlin!
What is it dear boy?
Merlin:
Lance:
There are roughly 600 rabbits in your backyard.
Merlin:
Oh dear. Ahem. If one of you is the King of England could you please hop forward?
Lance:
Seriously?
You got a better idea?
Well…No…
Merlin:
Lance:
Merlin:
Then shut up…Oh…Look one hopped forward.
Philip Dallmann
5
Waves wand and Arthur appears before them.
Merlin:
Um. Sorry about that…You see…funny story…
Arthur:
I know….Lance kissed a dude.
Hey! A secret dude!
What did I say?
Um Wart?
Lance:
Arthur:
Merlin:
Arthur:
Yes man who left me as a rabbit for a week?
Merlin:
Who are all these other bunnies? And why are they staring at you?
You left me as a rabbit for a week.
Arthur:
Lance:
We know that Arthur. He’s asking who those bunnies ar…Oh. Oh. Gotcha.
Merlin:
Oh? I don’t get it.
A week Merlin.
I still don’t…Oh. I follow now.
Arthur:
Merlin:
Lance:
Looks like about 600 “Hares” to the throne. Eh? Eh?
Silence.
So Lance got a rash from a dude huh?
Arthur:
Lance:
A secret rash! From a secret dude! SHHHH
Philip Dallmann
6
Lance exits
Merlin:
You know I was thinking about turning him into a parrot one of these days…Oh my socks.
See mind still as sharp as ever. So how about we go entertain the village children? What do
you say? I’ll pull you out of the hat.
Silence.
Merlin:
Right so maybe no more turning you into anything for a while…or ever. I’ve got my socks
so I’m just going to…
Merlin disappears. Arthur begins to exit and grabs a carrot on his way out with a slight hop in his step.
Black Out.
1/21/2011 A Lack Of Communication
Honey I’m home!
Mr. L.:
Mrs. L:
Oh hello sweet heart. How was your day?
Mr. L:
Oh you know, you know, same old, same old.
Mrs. L:
That’s nice dear. Dinner will be ready in a moment.
Beer in the fridge?
Mr. L:
Mrs. L:
Mhmm.
Sits down and begins drinking and reading the paper.
Dinner’s ready.
Mrs. L:
Mr. L:
That’s nice…damn democrats…
Mrs. L:
Ahem. I said dinner’s ready.
Philip Dallmann
7
Mr. L:
Mhmm.
Mrs. L:
Are you even listening to me?
Mr. L:
Mhmmm.
Mrs. L:
I got a tattoo today of a goat on my butt.
Mr. L:
Mmmm. That’s nice honey.
Mrs. L:
I shaved my head.
Mr. L:
Mhmm.
Mrs. L:
Your brother came over today.
Mr. L:
That’s nice.
Mrs. L:
We screwed on that couch.
Mr. L:
Ah nothing like a cold one after a long day’s work.
Mrs. L:
I hate you.
Tsk…this housing market is terrible…
I’m going to slit your throat.
Mr. L:
Mrs. L:
Mr. L:
Well I’m knackered. I think I’m going to hit the hay early and skip dinner.
Slits his throat, grabs a glass of wine and then sits down on the couch.
Philip Dallmann
8
Mrs. L:
Since you asked, I had a very long day. First my mother called, apparently her neighbor
Marge got the clap from her gardener. Then I did the laundry and picked up the dry
cleaning. I ran into Jessica Moore at the dry cleaners and she was only picking up her own
dry cleaning. Now I don’t want to speculate but I think Jack may have finally left that awful,
cold woman. Then I came home and spent the last three hours prepping and cooking
dinner. I wanted it to be special since you know, today is our anniversary. Fifteen wonderful
years darling. Mmm this wine is delicious. Well I think I’m going to go curl up with another
Sex and the City episode before I fall asleep. I’m almost done Season two. I don’t want to
sound crazy but those women really get me. Well anyway Happy Anniversary dear, see you
in the morning.
1/22/2011 A Hollywood Fairy Tale in Under 5 Minutes
A man comes out and begins waiting on a table. He goes back to the kitchen where he scribbles on
scraps of paper. He puts the compiled papers in an envelope and hands them to the postman. He turns and is
handed an oversized check from a man in a suit. Photographers flood the stage as the man changes into a
suit. He is immersed in flashing lights, microphones, and tape recorders. A very beautiful blonde is put next
to him. He moves to a podium and is handed an award. He moves to a group of people who are having a
party. He sits down next to a man doing lines off the table. He partakes. The man next to him changes
periodically but they continue to do lines. The police enter. He is arrested. A mug shot is taken. He changes
into hospital garb and sits down in a circle of chairs. They all rise and sit one at a time slowly with purpose.
After he rises he exits and is given business casual attire. He is handed a pad of paper. He sits and begins to
write. A beautiful, more domestic looking brunette joins him. He turns onto one knee and slides a ring onto
her finger. He spins her and before drawing her all the way back to him a minister stands upstage between
them. He nods to them. They kiss. The podium returns and he accepts another award. He leaves the podium
and returns to the woman who is now holding a baby. He sits down to write as the child is replaced by older
and older children. When he finally turns around the child is a young adult and the woman is kissing another
man. His chair swivels across the stage, a judge enters between the man and the woman with the other man.
He slams his gavel. The woman with the other man and the child exit together. The man is left alone. He
begins to write. His cell phone rings. He runs off. The storm of photographers return this time following the
child who is being escorted by the police. Her mug shot is taken. The crowd disperses and she is left alone.
The man re-enters. He sees his child. He approaches her. He kneels to her broken self on the floor. Father
and Daughter embrace.
Black Out.
1/23/2011 Late Night Television
Two owls sit on a tree branch.
Did you see Grey’s Anatomy last week?
Martin:
Maxwell:
Yeah. That was some shit with McDreamy and what’s her face.
Who?
Martin:
Philip Dallmann
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Maxwell:
Grey…what’s her face who’s the main girl.
Martin:
Oh I knew who I was just making the sound “who”.
It’s a wonder we don’t mix that up more.
Yeah.
Maxwell:
Martin:
Maxwell:
Did you see Steve Martin is going to be on 30Rock?
Who?
Steve Martin. You know the comedian?
I know.
Martin:
Maxwell:
Martin:
Maxwell:
You asked who?
No I was just making the noise “who”.
I hate you.
Who?
Martin:
Maxwell:
Martin:
1/24/2011 First Alert and First Reaction
Maxwell flies off
Black Out..
A man walks into a convenience store. He looks nervous, shifty. He looks around with a rapid purpose. He
false starts in a few directions before finally deciding on the aisle of his choice. As he approaches his
destination he pauses as he notices 2 young men already there deep in discussion.
Andre:
Yo I had no idea there were so many options.
Philip Dallmann 10
JJ:
I told you son. Me and Angelina like to use the Her Pleasure kind but you know the
Magnum XXL is more comfortable heh heh.
Andre:
Ha Ha Fuck you man. You know you rockin that baby dick.
Negro please.
JJ:
Andre:
Aight Aight… Her Pleasure? Really? I mean it just seems type pansy ya know?
JJ:
That’s what I thought dog but Angelina made me try it and results don’t lie.
Andre:
Aight. Her pleasure it is.
My baby bro is gonna hit that heh heh.
Shut up.
JJ:
Andre:
They exit.
Brian:
I remember that… buying condoms…now I’m buying…
Turns to the section right next to the condoms.
Brian:
Son of a bitch!
Woman passing by gasps/scoffs and the continues down the adjoining aisle eventually hooking around to the
other end of Brian’s aisle, unnoticed by him.
Brian:
Sorry. Sorry. Since when are there as many types of pregnancy tests as condoms? Ok Ok. I’ll
just buy the cheapest one. Ok this one is 7 bucks. Ok. Cool. But what if it’s faulty? I mean
there is only one way to pee on a stick but…I mean if there’s a difference in price there’s
gotta be a difference in quality right? Yeah. Yeah which logically means I need to buy the
most expensive one or a name brand… ok. First Alert… Clear Blue…Sperm Alert…Sperm
Alert? Male potency test? Well I don’t need that…apparently I’m very potent. Ok this one
looks legit…First Response. 45 bucks? Holy shit. This child is making me broke before it’s
Philip Dallmann 11
even born. Oh my god…I’m going to have a kid. I’m not ready to have a kid. I’m not even
30. I’m a kid! Oh god, Oh god, Oh god, Oh god. Deep breath. I’m going to be a dad. I’m
going to be a dad. I’m going to have a baby. A little me. A son. Who I can teach to throw a
baseball. I need to learn to throw a baseball. I need to learn a lot of things. Manly things.
What was god thinking? I’m not a man. I’m an actor. I’ll act like a man!...that may be the
dumbest and gayest thing I have ever said. Holy shit. What if it’s a girl? I don’t know what to
do with a daughter. Barbies…and boyfriends. No she won’t have any boyfriends. I’ll lock
her up medieval style in a castle or something. I… I have no idea if I’m having a kid or not. I
am completely jumping the gun. Ok. Well uh alright. I’m just going to buy this and what
ever happens happens.
Woman:
For what it’s worth young man, I think you’ll make an excellent father.
Thanks…thanks that means a lot.
Brian:
Andre returns and puts the condoms back, contemplates picking a different pack and them goes to leave.
I…
Mhmm. Wise decision.
Andre:
Woman:
Black Out.
1/25/2011 To Be or To Clean
In Hamlet’s Castle. Standing in this room are King Claudius, Polonius, Gertrude, and Ophelia.
King Claudius:
Sweet Gertrude, leave us too;
For we have closely sent for Hamlet hither,
That he, as 'twere by accident, may here
Affront Ophelia:
Her father and myself, lawful espials,
Will so bestow ourselves that, seeing, unseen,
We may of their encounter frankly judge,
And gather by him, as he is behaved,
If 't be the affliction of his love or no
That thus he suffers for.
Gertrude:
I shall obey you.
And for your part, Ophelia, I do wish
That your good beauties be the happy cause
Of Hamlet's wildness: so shall I hope your virtues
Will bring him to his wonted way again,
Philip Dallmann 12
To both your honours.
Madam, I wish it may.
Ophelia:
Exit Queen Gertrude.
Lord Polonius :
Ophelia, walk you here. Gracious, so please you,
We will bestow ourselves.
Read on this book;
That show of such an exercise may colour
Your loneliness. We are oft to blame in this,-'Tis too much proved--that with devotion's visage
And pious action we do sugar o'er
The devil himself.
King Claudius:
[Aside] O, 'tis too true!
How smart a lash that speech doth give my conscience!
The harlot's cheek, beautied with plastering art,
Is not more ugly to the thing that helps it
Than is my deed to my most painted word:
O heavy burthen!
Lord Polonius:
I hear him coming: let's withdraw, my lord.
Enter Hamlet.
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
Hamlet:
Enter the custodian Jimmy.
The slings and arrows of outrag…uh can I help you?
Jimmy:
Nope. Don’t mind me…just gonna dust over here. Don’t know where it all comes from but
this castle is filthy.
Philip Dallmann 13
Oh..Ok then… I’m just going to…
Hamlet:
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
Overlapping. Custodian starts to beat the dust out of the curtains Polonius and Claudius are hiding behind.
We here grunts and eventually a squeal.
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thous…
Jimmy:
I think you got rats. Not surprised. This castle is prime breeding grounds for those kind of
things. Traps wont do you no good either. You gotta find the Queen rat and kill it. Only
way. Are you going to be here long? Cause if so I’ll put a few traps out for ya.
Hamlet:
Well I was planning on… I mean… yes I was.
Jimmy:
Ok. I’ll just lay a few out then before I get to work on this floor. You’d never guess how
hard it is to clean stone…. I got my own concoction though. Gets all that grime and yuck
up. Smells nice too.
Ok.
Hamlet:
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause:
Jimmy:
Pause? Cool. So you smell that?
Smell what?
That rosey kind of smell.
Oh…yeah I do.
Hamlet:
Jimmy:
Hamlet:
Philip Dallmann 14
Jimmy:
Amazing right? You wouldn’t believe all the different things I had to try to get a castle to
smell that good.
Hamlet:
That’s… nice.
Jimmy:
I mean it’s really tough. Don’t me to offend ya but you royals are a sloppy bunch.
Excuse me?
Hamlet:
Jimmy:
No No don’t get me wrong. You as a whole are all prim and proper and what not but ya’ll
leave a mess behind like you wouldn’t believe. Crazy shit too. Once I found macaroni in
Queen Gertrude’s under garment drawer. Now what is that lady doing with macaroni in her
unmentionables?
Hamlet:
I think that’s enough. This room seems really clean to me.
Jimmy:
Oh no this isn’t clean. Gotta make this floor shine. Get that good kinda clean. How do you
think the rest of the castle looks so good? Takes more than a quick rinse and wash ya know.
I think you should go.
Hamlet:
Jimmy:
Alright… but if the King gets mad that this room aint shiny…
Hamlet:
Go!
Gathers cleaning supplies and goes to exit.
Jimmy:
This fool…talkin to himself…and they call me crazy for trying to keep a clean castle but
noooo….
Jimmy exits.
Hamlet:
There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Philip Dallmann 15
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of dispriz'd love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus mak…
Steps on one of the rat traps.
OW Son of a bitch!
Jimmy rushes back in.
Did I get the sonbitch?
Jimmy:
Hamlet:
NO!
Jimmy:
Damn…
Jimmy exits.
Black Out.
1/26/2011 Storm of the Century
We are in a news conference room. The team has assembled to discuss the impending snow storm.
Chief:
Alright kids it’s finally here. The big one.
(Aside to Pam) That’s what she said.
Mikey:
Chief:
It’s coming. It. Is. Coming.
Mikey:
(Aside to Pam) That’s what she said.
All it needs now ladies and gents is a name.
(Aside to Pam) Too easy.
Why do you insist on sitting next to me?
Chief:
Mikey:
Pam:
Philip Dallmann 16
Mikey:
Oh come on Pam. You know we have a bond. I’m the token smart alecky white kid and
you’re my sassy black friend.
Pam:
5 years until retirement. 5 years…
Sir? Sir?
Yes Mary?
Mary:
Chief:
Mary:
I got it. We’ll call it… The Storm of the Century.
Silence.
The Storm….Of the Century.
Mary:
Chief:
That’s great Mary. Except its 2010. We got 9 more decades to go. Who the hell knows
what’s gonna happen then? Get your head out of your ass.
Man bursts into the room.
Binkleman:
Boss! No worries. Looks like the storm is taking a hard right. Gonna completely miss us.
Binkleman Exits.
Chief:
Phew. Alright team crisis averted. I don’t think we were quite ready to handle… ok so Mikey
whatcha got on the economy?
Mikey:
It sucks.
Chief:
Sounds good. Run with it. Alvin, what do you got on the city hall beat?
Alvin doesn’t move and is completely silent.
Chief:
Alvin? Alvin! Hey Mikey will you poke him and wake him up?
Philip Dallmann 17
Uh sir…I think he’s dead.
Mikey:
Chief:
Hm. Well that’s probably for the best. With cutbacks and what not I was going to fire him
tomorrow…this saves us from having to pay a severance and maybe I won’t have to fire
Mary.
What?!?
Nothing. Now does anyone…
Sir!
Mary:
Chief:
Binkleman:
Chief:
What is it bacon-head?
Actually sir it’s Binkleman…
Son you’ve worked here 5 years…
Binkleman:
Chief:
Binkleman:
Right. You don’t love me the way I love you.
Silence.
So…?
Chief:
Binkleman:
Oh right. The storm has taken a hard left turn and its coming back our way.
Chief:
Son of a friggin mousketeer!
Stare.
Chief:
Sorry. The grandkids were in for the weekend. Sadly I think my oldest is one of those
lesbians. Ya know you try to raise a little princess and ya end up with Kelly Freakin
Osbourne before the weight loss and…
Philip Dallmann 18
Mary:
Sir.
Chief:
Oh. Right. Son of a bitch! Ok Defcon 37 folks.
Defcon 37?
Binkleman:
Chief:
Yeah 37. Not as bad as Defcon 38 but a world’s a worse than Defcon 36. Hell Defcon 37
makes Defcon 36 look like a fuckin pre-diversity Disney Princess.
Mary:
Pre-Diversity?
Mikey:
I know what he’s saying. I mean Snow White, Cinderella, Ariel? They aint got shit on Mulan
or Pocahontas…those bitches will fuck your day up.
Exactly. So hit me with some names.
Chief:
Mary:
Sir I really like the one we heard earlier. I believe someone said…Storm of the Century was
it?
Mary. You said that.
Did I?
Chief:
Mary:
Chief:
Yes. It wasn’t good then and it isn’t good after you fake forgot you said it. Moving on.
What about Armagedon?
Didn’t like the movie, Don’t like the name.
Revelations?
How is that even relevant?
Mikey:
Chief:
Mikey:
Chief:
Philip Dallmann 19
Mikey:
Well ya know…Jesus…end of the world…Angels…Eucharist…
Chief:
Now you’re just saying words that appear in the bible.
Pam:
Oh hell no. You best not be taking the lords name in vain up in here. I will call Reverend
Petey up in here. You watch the lord will smite all your behinds.
Mmmhmm. Preach it sassy black friend!
I will end you Casper.
Mikey:
Pam:
Chief:
Wow Pam… I think that’s the most you’ve said in 30 years. Way to be a team player. She is
right all of you. God is watching and he will send all of us to hell if we cannot name this god
forsaken storm!
Sir!
Binkleman:
Chief:
What is it?
Binkleman:
Looks like the storm is headed north. Most we’ll get is a little rain.
Seriously?
Yeah. Crazy right?
Chief:
Binkleman:
Chief:
Baconhead?
Yes sir?
What exactly is your job?
Binkleman:
Chief:
Philip Dallmann 20
Binkleman:
Well the technical term is Meteorologist but most people just call me your friendly
neighborhood weatherman with a twinkle in his baby blue eyes. Ok Ok I added the part of
the twinkle…and the baby blues I actually have brown eyes I don’t know why I said that and
the friendly no one has ever said I was friendly even though I always smile even when I hate
myself and I don’t even live in the neighborhood I live 2 towns over and the weatherman
part to. No one talks to me besides you.
Right. And how do you do your job?
Chief:
Binkleman:
Well it’s a very complicated science that I spent 6 years studying at Idaho State...
Stares.
I check Weather.com.
Hm. I’m actually ok with that.
Binkleman:
Chief:
Binkleman:
You approve? Oh my god… I…I’m going to go call my mom. Show her who’s not ever
going to be loved by another human being!
Runs out.
Wait! Baconhead!
Chief:
Mikey:
(Singing along to his Ipod playing Mariah Carey’s Always Be My Baby)
Do do doop
Do do doop do doop da dum
Do do doop dum
Do do doop do doop da dum
Mikey?
Chief:
Pam:
Boy if you don’t stop singing Mariah.
Mikey:
Oh What up boss?
Philip Dallmann 21
I…
Chief:
Looks out the window.
Chief:
Is that snow?
The rest of the team gets up and looks outside.
Yeah. That’s one helluva storm.
Mikey:
Mary:
Storm of the Century one might say?
Chief:
One hell of a storm that’s what we’re going with. Someone go write it in fun letters on the
computer screen.
Oh Dibs!
Mary:
Everyone exits.
Chief turns and is scared by Alvin still being there.
Chief:
Oh Jesus! Would someone come get Alvin?! He’s starting to smell.
1/27/2011 Cold Fronts Don’t Front.
2 dinosaurs walk out from opposite sides.
Larry! How’s it going?
Peter:
Larry:
Pretty well. A bit chilly.
Peter:
Ya think? I don’t mind it so much but I’m sure this cold front won’t last very long.
Larry:
True. Well see ya later.
Philip Dallmann 22
Exit.
1/28/2011 Armed Abroad and at Home.
A young man in an army uniform appears on stage. He has a letter. He unfolds it and reads aloud.
Jay:
Dear Jay. I love you. I hate not being able to tell you that every day. I went to visit your
mom today. She’s doing well. Her knee replacement went excellent and she’s already up and
around with just a cane. She adores Maggie. I think it’s because Maggie’s nose reminds her
of you when you were little. She does this thing when she laughs where she kind of
scrunches up her nose and I swear I can see a little bit of you shining through. Anyway, your
mother told me to make sure you knew she was expecting a letter soon. We said a prayer for
you and your platoon after lunch. You’ve got a lot of people praying for you Jay. I wonder if
God gets annoyed hearing about the same guy over and over again. I like to think the more
people who pray for you is just insurance that he’ll know exactly who we’re praying for. That
Scotty Briar next door has started mowing our lawn twice a week for 20 dollars. He’s a sweet
boy, he offered to do it for free but I wouldn’t hear it. He isn’t quite as meticulous as you are
with the lawn but he wont ruin nothin. From your last letter it sounded like you would be on
the move soon so I hope you actually get this letter. I cant’ believe you’ve been gone 7
months. It feels like a life time. I’ve been showin Maggie your picture every night. I want her
to recognize her daddy. Her favorite is that one of you when we went to Disney World. You
know the one where you got the Mickey Mouse ear’s on and are making that blowfish face.
You should see her giggle when she looks at it. You definitely have a daddy’s girl on your
hands. I think she’s going to start crawlin soon. She’s leaning forward like she wants to. She’s
an adventurous one. I wonder where she got that from too? I still don’t understand why you
have to be over there. All I want in the world is for you to be right here with me and Maggie
so we can be a family. We already got Saddam Hussein, what else more is there to do? Can
you please come home? I just want you to wrap your arms around me and hold me. I get so
lonely with out you. I hate going asleep at nights with out you beside me and waking up
every morning hoping you’re right there but just finding covers. I hate only being able to
show Maggie pictures. She needs her daddy. Please be safe. I don’t know what I would do if
something happened to you. Please come home soon. I love you forever. Debbie.
Jay reaches into his duffel bag and pulls out a picture. The picture his wife sent him of his daughter Maggie.
Jay:
This is my baby girl. Maggie. My little Maggie. Look at that smile. Look at those baby blue
eyes. Those are going to be deadly when she gets old enough to ask Daddy for the credit
card. It’s alright…I’ve known I would be a sucker for what ever my daughter wanted for a
while. Daddy’s little girl…Daddy’s little princess. It kills me that I’m missing her right now.
Watchin her crawl around. Watchin my momma dote on her too much. Watchin Debbie’s
red haired temper flair up when my momma starts tellin her how to be a better mom. Ya
know it was that fiery temper that caught my attention. She was in college at Texas…I was a
local or a townie if you will. One night I went out to a bar and as I’m about to take that first
sip of my Heineken I see in the corner of my eye this real big dude, we’re talkin he definetily
should’ve been named Bubba kind of big, and he takes his big greasy hairy hand and puts it
Philip Dallmann 23
right on the behind of this woman standing at the bar. Unfortunately for him that woman
was Debbie. She grabbed his hand almost instantly. Turned around slowly and said, “Excuse
me, sir. I didn’t mean to smack your hand with my ass.” Well Bubba, as I’ve now decided to
call him said “ It’s alright I didn’t mind”. “I did” “Well that’s too bad” “Is it now?” “Yeah it
is” and then smack. Debbie’s Bud light bottle was shattered into a million pieces and Bubba
hit the floor so hard I think it registered on that uh whatchamacallit? Richter scale, that’s it.
Debbie made a beeline for the door like a little orange blur. And then I’m not sure what
happened but I found myself running after her. And I don’t mean that light jog you see in all
those chick flicks with the guy chasing the girl. In high school Debbie ran the 400. I was
doing my best Carl Lewis impression. I finally caught up to her outside of this kind of run
down McDonalds. Mainly because she stopped for a breather. I wasn’t sure if I could breath.
But I managed to say ‘Hey’. She said ‘Did you run after me all the way from the bar?’ ‘Yeah’
‘Why?’ ‘ I don’t know’ ‘Want to elaborate hot shot?’ ‘You…can I buy you a whopper?’
‘We’re at McDonald’s stud’ ‘Oh…yeah. How about a Big Mac?’ ‘Vegetarian’ ‘Oh sorry.’ And
I started to walk away. Thank god I had to move slow because then ‘I am a girl living in
Texas. Do you really think I don’t love red meat?’ One Big Mac later I was …well I was
smitten to say the very least. I miss her. God I miss her. I am surrounded by heat, and sand,
and guns, and all I want…all I want is to wrap my arms around that wonderful goddess of a
woman, tell her that I love her and kiss her. We’re here for a reason…and I believe that …I
just …well it’s just killin me being away from her and Maggie. Dear God, please get me
home safe to those two wonderful women you have graciously blessed me with. Amen. We
move out tomorrow. Just one more month.
Fade into…
A young man is curled up on stage. In his hand a phone and a picture. In front of him a hand gun. He is
visibly disturbed.
Malcolm:
No nah uh. Nope. I wont let you. This is not ok. Nope. Not ok. Uh uh. No way. You aren’t
leaving me. You are my everything. I live for you. How else am I supposed to deal with it all?
How? They push me. I want to hurt them. I want to make them feel what I feel. I’m not
small. I’m not small. I can do what they do. No. I cant. I can. I cant. I can be stronger.
Bump me into lockers. Call me fag. Call me fag. Call me fag! I aint a fag. I fucked her. Yeah.
I fucked her. No. No I didn’t. I’ll tell them I did. I put my dick in her. No I didn’t. Yes I did.
I wanted to. Then they’ll like me. I don’t care if they like me. I want them to like me. I can
be better than them. She left me for them. No she didn’t. That’s not what she said. I think
we should see other people. I just don’t feel the same way. I hope we can still be friends. I
love you. I love you. You love me. You do. You don’t want them. I should take my
medicine. No. No. No. No. I don’t want to. Makes me feel…I don’t like it. I hate this. I hate
them. I want to hurt them. No that’s not the answer. Yes it is. Just pull the trigger. No. Put it
back. Not put them away. Make them disappear. Yeah. No. Yeah then she’ll want you. She’ll
be wet for you. Yeah. Drip. Drip. Pills. Mom says. Mom says take the pills. I pay for the
pills. You need them or you have to go back. No. I don’t want to talk to them anymore. No.
No. No. Freak. Talking to yourself Freak? Hear voices freak? Freak and a Fag. Freak and a
Fag. Did someone butt fuck you crazy fag? She just pities you. She doesn’t like you. Nah uh.
Yah huh. No she loves me. She said so. She said it. I love you. I love you too. Be quiet.
Please leave me alone. Don’t say that. Please. Please. Please Please. Shut the fuck up!Yeah.
Philip Dallmann 24
Ok. Ok. So easy. Click Click. Bye Bye. Click Click. Bye Bye. Click Click. Bye Bye. Click
Click. Bye Bye. Click Click. Bye Bye! Some one…some one…I need some one. Screams. Our
Father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be…done.
Picks up the gun as he stands and slowly exits stage. Lights come back up and Malcolm is sitting in an
interrogation room. Officer Yoon enters to begin the interrogation.
Malcom:
(singing) Silent Night, Holy Night, All Is…
That’s enough.
Officer Yoon:
Malcolm:
Please don’t yell.
I’m sorry, was I hurting your ears.
Yes sir.
Polite little retard.
Officer Yoon:
Malcolm:
Officer Yoon:
Malcolm:
That’s not nice. If you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all that’s
what my mom says. Yep.
Officer Yoon:
Is that so?
Yep.
Malcolm:
Officer Yoon:
Well I don’t give a fuck what your mom says.
Malcolm:
Please don’t say that word about my mom.
Why not?
Officer Yoon:
Malcolm:
Just don’t please.
Philip Dallmann 25
Officer Yoon:
Why not? I mean I’ve read your journals. You say that word a lot.
You read my journals?
Malcolm:
Officer Yoon:
Yeah I know all about you. You and your little bitch girlfriend.
Malcolm:
Don’t say that.
Officer Yoon:
What? That you had a little bitch girlfriend?
Malcolm:
DON’T SAY THAT OR I’LL FUCKIN KILL YOU!
Officer Yoon:
Just like you killed that little girl? Sit the fuck down. I know you ain’t deaf. I said sit the fuck
down.
Malcolm:
I didn’t mean to kill her. She seemed very nice.
Officer Yoon:
Yeah well you did. Hey Ry. Dip shit this is Officer Ryan, he’s gonna talk to you for a while,
but I’ll be back.
Pause.
What? No goodbye?
Hello Malcolm.
Officer Yoon:
Officer Yoon Exits.
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm:
Hello sir.
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm can you tell me what this is? Malcolm?
I…I don’t know.
Malcolm:
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm please don’t lie to me. Your mother wouldn’t want you to lie.
Philip Dallmann 26
Malcolm:
They make me different.
Officer Ryan:
This is your medicine Malcolm. Aren’t you supposed to take it twice a day.
Pause.
Malcolm:
Yes.
Why did you stop taking it?
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm:
You’re a freak. Nah uh. Yah huh fag. She’d never love you. You don’t know. Yeah I do
when I fucked her. No she didn’t. She loves me. She’s my girlfriend. I made her scream. No.
I made her suck me off. Nope. She did not. She said you had a tiny dick. No that can not be
true, can not be true. She think’s you’re a fucking retard. No she loves me. She loves me. She
loves me. She kissed me right here (pointing to cheek) and said I love you Malcolm. She
loves me. She loves me. She loves me. She loves me. She loves me. She loves me. She loves
me. She loves me. AAHHHHH!
Malcolm?
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm:
I hate them all. I hope he’s in hell. I hope they all go to hell.
He didn’t die. Only the little girl did.
Officer Ryan:
Officer Yoon Reenters.
Officer Yoon:
Ryan? I think you need to come take a look at this.
Pause.
I’ll be right back Malcolm.
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm:
Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock goes the clock. It goes Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tickety
Tock.
The stage is now split. On one side Mark and Jennifer are out to a fancy dinner. On the other side the
interrogation of Malcolm continues.
Philip Dallmann 27
Mark:
What?
You know what.
You’re still mad?
Jennifer:
Mark:
Jennifer:
Still mad? You only skipped mass a few hours ago. So, Yes. I am still mad.
Mark:
Well if you’re going be this upset every week I will go to mass.
That’s not the point Mark.
What’s the point?
You know what the point is.
Jennifer:
Mark:
Jennifer:
Silence.
No. No I do not.
See that’s just you all over.
Mark:
Jennifer:
Mark:
Yes, me, myself speaking is in fact me.
Don’t be an ass.
Jennifer:
Mark:
I’m sorry but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
That’s the problem.
Jennifer:
Officer Yoon:
Ok kid enough games.
Philip Dallmann 28
I don’t enjoy games.
Malcolm.
Yes?
Malcolm:
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm:
Officer Ryan:
Where are the bombs?
What bombs?
Malcolm:
Officer Yoon:
The 60 fucking bombs you made in your basement and put god knows where retard.
I don’t like being called names.
Malcolm:
Officer Ryan:
Please.
Officer Yoon:
Fuck this. I’m telling you if we just rough up this cracked out pussy a bit he’ll talk.
P…Police Brutality.
I’ll show you brutality…
Malcolm:
Officer Yoon:
Officer Ryan:
Officer Yoon.
Officer Yoon:
Fine. You get it out of him….this isn’t how it used ta be….
Officer Yoon Exits
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm.
Malcolm:
Sir.
Philip Dallmann 29
Mark:
I’m not sure what else you’d like me to do. I’m saying I will go to church.
Jennifer:
My parents went to church every Sunday. Together.
I know…
Mark:
Jennifer:
And I thought that ….well I thought that that would be us.
Mark:
I know and I’m sorry.
Jennifer:
But you aren’t. You really believe everything you said to me earlier.
I…
Mark:
Jennifer:
Please don’t lie to me or I won’t respect you.
Mark:
I do. I do question the importance of some of the church’s rituals.
Jennifer:
Don’t use that word “ritual”. It makes it sound like some Voodoo doctor.
Mark:
What word would you like me to use instead masssa?
Jennifer:
Shut up and how about “practices”. That sounds much more civilized.
Ok some of the church’s “practices”.
Mark:
Jennifer:
Oh now it sounds cult like.
Mark:
Ugh.
Philip Dallmann 30
Malcolm:
Tea Time!
What?
My watch says 11 am. Tea Time!
Malcolm you aren’t wearing a watch.
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm:
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm:
Tick tick tick.
Malcolm.
Yes sir.
Can we talk? Man to man?
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm:
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm:
Soy-tanly.
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm did you take all the pills I left for you to take?
Mmmm.
Now men are always honest.
Malcolm:
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm:
Correction. Good men are honest.
Officer Ryan:
True. Very true, but I think you are a good man.
I concur.
So?
Malcolm:
Officer Ryan:
Philip Dallmann 31
No I did not. I only took 1.
What did you do with the others?
Crushed’em.
Malcolm:
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm:
Officer Ryan:
Ok.
Aren’t you mad?
Malcolm:
Officer Ryan:
No. They’re your pills you can do what you want.
Yeah. Yeah I can.
Can we just enjoy dinner?
Malcolm:
Mark:
Jennifer:
Do you know me at all?
Mark:
Yes I do. And I do know that this will bother you till it is resolved, but I was hoping tonight
could be an exception.
Jennifer gives a blank stare.
Apparently not.
Mark:
Jennifer:
Why would tonight be the exception to the rule?
Mark:
I don’t know. Maybe because we’re out at a nice restaurant? Enjoying the time we do get to
spend with each other before another busy week.
Jennifer gives another blank stare.
Philip Dallmann 32
Fine. What can I do to make it up to you?
Mark:
Jennifer:
Agree to go to church with me forever. With a smile on your face.
Jennifer…
Mark:
Officer Ryan:
So Malcolm, what did you do with “your” bombs?
Malcolm:
What bombs?
Officer Ryan:
We found the left over supplies and blue prints in your room Malcolm.
You were snooping.
That’s my job.
Malcolm:
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm:
Snoopy.
Malcolm…could you give me a clue?
Like a game?
Sure. Like a game.
I hate games.
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm:
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm:
Officer Ryan:
Ok. Sorry.
Tick Tick Tick.
Jen…
Malcolm:
Mark:
Philip Dallmann 33
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm….
That’s the only way.
Tick Tick Tick….
I know but….
Jennifer:
Malcolm:
Mark:
Officer Ryan:
Where are they Malcolm?
No. This is important to me.
Tick Tock Tick Tock clippety clop clop
Jennifer:
Malcolm:
Mark:
I know it’s important to you. That’s why I will do you one better.
Officer Ryan:
MALCOLM! WHERE ARE THE BOMBS?
What?
Jennifer:
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm I swear to god if those bombs go off and hurt anyone I ….I….
Mark:
I will go to church with you. Every Sunday. With a smile on my face. But I wont be smiling
because I’m in church…not many people do…
Mark…
Jennifer:
Malcolm:
(Singing) Somewhere over the rainbow…blue birds sing….
Mark:
Sorry. I will be smiling because I will be sitting in that pew next to the most beautiful,
vivacious woman in the world…and hopefully that woman will also be my wife.
Philip Dallmann 34
Officer Ryan:
Malcolm…man to man I am asking you…begging you…where are the bombs?
Mark gets down on one knee and pulls out an engagement ring.
Jennifer…will you marry me?
Mark:
Malcolm:
Berrrrrrrrrrrring Berrrrrrrrrrrring. There’s the bell. Time for…
Yes. Yes I will.
Boom.
Jennifer:
Malcolm:
Black out.
1/29/2011 Martin the Gay Elephant: A Tragedy
The play opens inside a Starbucks. A young man sits a table by himself with his laptop open typing away
only breaking to take a sip from his Grande sized coffee. He is scruffy but not totally unkempt. A young
woman enters the store and goes to the counter to order her drink. She notices the young man as she waits for
the barista to take her order. He is oblivious to her stare. Finally the barista returns to the counter.
What can I get you ma’am?
Barista:
Valerie:
A tall caramel mocha chino with extra foam.
Will that be all?
Mmmhmm
Your total comes to 5.23.
Barista:
Valerie:
Barista:
Hands him her credit card.
Credit or debit?
Credit please.
Barista:
Valerie:
Philip Dallmann 35
Barista:
Alright. And here you go ma’am. Have a good day.
You have a good day too sir.
Barista:
Piper looks up from his computer.
Valerie:
Caught off guard by manners?
I…
Piper:
Valerie:
I like to use manners like please, thank you, ma’am, sir, etcetera because it is original, which
could deeply disturb me about where society is now or just let me enjoy people’s reactions to
it.
I…
You’re a writer huh?
How’d you guess?
Piper:
Valerie:
Piper:
Valerie:
Well you’re in a coffee joint, lap top is open, you occasionally look around to see if people
have noticed how much you’re typing, the sweater –collard shirt get up with the rolled up
sleeves along with the glasses that show that you saw Rent and you wanted to be Mark,
finally summed up by the pencil in your ear that I would bet good money isn’t even
sharpened.
My name is Piper.
Such a writer name.
Piper:
Valerie:
Pause.
Valerie:
Oh! Right, this is one of those exchange type dealies. My name is Valerie. Not quite as
exciting as Piper but I like it.
Philip Dallmann 36
Piper:
Well it’s very nice to meet you Valerie.
Valerie:
See you’re lying to me already. How is that anyway to start a relationship?
What?
Piper:
Valerie:
It is not nice to meet me. I, a complete stranger, have come over here, completely disturbed
what ever work you were doing, rambled on and on about myself, and made harsh
presumptions about you based solely on your exterior. The only positive you’ve gained is
that I’m wearing a low cut shirt and am a 36 C. Well?
Hmm? Sorry I was lost in my positive.
You’re cute. I like you.
Thanks.
Piper:
Valerie:
Piper:
Valerie:
So whatcha writing? Or are you one of those writers who are paranoid about people stealing
there ideas?
Piper:
No I’m not paranoid. I’m writing a play about a couple missionaries who are helping with
AIDS in Africa.
Valerie:
Hm. So I was right.
When?
When I said you saw Rent.
Because my play has AIDS?
Piper:
Valerie:
Piper:
Philip Dallmann 37
Valerie:
Sort of. You saw Rent, loved how moving the idea of an incurable disease was and wanted
to put it in your own writing. Problem is most incurables are curable now a days, except
AIDS. Rent had the musical lack of T cells genre cornered, and Kushie bear has the entire
AIDS in America with out music…
Kushie bear?
Piper:
Valerie:
Yeah it’s my pet name for Tony Kushner. When you say his name don’t you just think of a
big scushy bear? I mean before you think of the eleventy hour drawn out campaign he tried
to pass off as a play.
Piper:
Excuse me? Angels in America is one of the most important pieces of American
playwrighting, literature even.
Why?
Valerie:
Piper:
Well for starters it enlightened Americans about the AIDS epidemic.
Valerie:
So did the pamphlets they gave out in my Sex Ed class.
Piper:
It has some of the most beautiful relationships ever written and some of the most poetic
monologues with wonderful imagery and…
Let me guess? Something was exquisite?
What?
Valerie:
Piper:
Valerie:
It was the next adjective in line after wonderful and before extraordinary.
You’re a little off aren’t you?
Piper:
Valerie:
Now you’re making presumptions about me? First lying, now judging? How is this
relationship ever going to work?
Philip Dallmann 38
You made presumptions about me first.
Touche. Well played Piparino.
Piparino?
Piper:
Valerie:
Piper:
Valerie:
It’s my new nickname for you. I just picked it right now. It was either that or Pippi
Longstocking, but that’s not too original so I just didn’t feel good about it.
Piper:
Gotcha.
I always wanted a nickname.
No one ever called you Val?
Valerie:
Piper:
Valerie:
Let me rephrase. I always wanted a cool nickname.
Piper:
I think Val is alright.
Valerie:
Alright as in Lame. It’s just shortening my name. It’s just lazy. It’s like if I called you Pip.
Some people do call me Pip…
And those people do not love you.
Piper:
Valerie:
Piper:
My mom calls me Pip.
Valerie:
I was just kidding. I’m sure your mother loves you very much, but you get my point right?
Piper:
Yes. No. Maybe. There was a point in all of that?
Philip Dallmann 39
Valerie:
Come on Piporino you gotta keep up. Anyway, back to the real issue.
Piper:
Real issue?
Valerie:
Yes, the real issue. Why are you writing about AIDS? I mean besides the whole getting
caught up in the RENT hype thing.
Piper:
Because it’s an important issue that needs to be addressed.
Valerie:
Is it important to you?
What?
Piper:
Valerie:
Is the fact that millions of Africans die each year from AIDS something that means
something to you?
Of course.
Piper:
Valerie:
OR do you just care because you’re supposed to?
Piper:
I’m not following.
Valerie:
Kind of the theme of this conversation. Ok I’ll slow down. Do you only care about AIDS in
Africa because TIME magazine runs an article about it once a year adjacent to the Who’s
Hot and Who’s Not section or do you actually care about it?
Piper:
It is an important issue. It strikes people…
Valerie:
But does it strike you? Does it have anything to do with your world? Do you even know
anyone who has or died from AIDS? Or do you have to use six degrees of separation to get
yourself to Freddy Mercury?
Piper:
I…
Philip Dallmann 40
Valerie:
That’s kind of what I thought. It’s ok. Don’t feel bad. You’re just like everyone else and
that’s ok. But just out of curiosity, what do you care about?
I, I don’t know.
Piper:
Valerie:
Want some help figurin it out?
Sure.
Piper:
Valerie:
I figured I’d give you a hand since I kinda just blew up your whole reality.
That’s…very kind of you.
Piper:
Valerie:
Parents?
Piper:
Yeah, mom and a dad, fairly normal. Been together 25 years or so.
Valerie:
Ok so the 45% divorce rate in America means nothing to you.
45 Percent? Jesus, is it really that high?
Piper:
Valerie:
Yep.
Wow. I guess I’m very lucky then.
Ok so that’s not it. Drugs?
I smoked pot a couple of times in college.
Piper:
Valerie:
Piper:
Valerie:
A swing and a miss. Alright…lets see…cancer?
Philip Dallmann 41
Taurus actually.
Witty.
It’s why I’m a writer.
Piper:
Valerie:
Piper:
Valerie:
Not that witty.
Ouch.
Piper:
Valerie:
Seriously though. I am very concerned. Do you care deeply about anything?
I don’t know.
Piper:
Valerie:
Ok. Change of strategy. What do you hate?
Disney sequels.
Piper:
Valerie:
Oooh. Nice. Now I’m going to go ahead and peg you as a Peter Pan fan. I’m figuring that’s
the one that really pissed you off.
Piper:
Exactly! I really wasn’t that bothered by the Aladdin movies for some reason though.
Robin Williams. May he rest in peace.
Valerie:
Piper:
Robin Williams isn’t dead?
Did you see RV? He might as well be.
Ha. Well played.
Valerie:
Piper:
Philip Dallmann 42
Valerie:
See this is good. You care about something. Now let’s think of something with a little more
gravitas hmm?
Alright… I care about gay rights?
Piper:
Valerie:
Are you gay?
Piper:
What? No! I mean, no. Why would you think that?
Valerie:
I was just trying to figure out why it was personally relevant to you.
Piper:
Oh. Ok.
You got pretty defensive there.
I…
Valerie:
Piper:
Valerie:
I’m just messing with you. Ok. Gay rights. That’s a good start. Maybe a children’s book
about 2 gay elephants.
Piper:
That’s… that’s an idea.
Valerie:
Good. Well I got you on the right track then. I have to go but you keep on writing.
Remember less HIV more Gay Elephants.
She gets up, kisses him hard on the mouth, and then leaves. Piper is left in shock.
Piper:
Ok… Martin the elephant was gay… he loved…
An old man walks out as the lights fade on Piper.
Old Wise Man:
Piper’s Book “Martin and Tyrone: The Gay Elephants” was not a hit. In fact it was horribly
inappropriate and offensive. It effectively ended Piper’s writing career. This is why you don’t
listen to random hippie bitches in coffee shops. The end.
Black out.
Philip Dallmann 43
1/30/2011 A bit chillier.
2 dinosaurs are huddled together. It is snowing and very cold.
I thought you said this wouldn’t last.
What do I know? I’m a dinosaur.
Larry:
Peter:
A Wooly Mammoth walks by.
Larry. Peter.
Zach.
Zach:
Larry and Peter:
Zach exits.
I hate that guy.
Larry:
Blackout.
1/31/2011 Thicker Than Water
2 African American males are on stage. They are watching TV. This is very visibly a high school boy’s room
in a low income neighborhood.
Oh shit!
Jeremiah:
Earl:
Did you see that?
Jeremiah:
Nigga I’m standin right next to you of course I saw that shit.
Yo cant nobody dunk like LeBron.
Earl:
Jeremiah:
Nigga have you lost yo damn mind? Kobe?
Earl:
You know how I feel about Kobe.
Philip Dallmann 44
He didn’t do it.
Jeremiah:
Earl:
Oh he did it. What is it with niggas not being able to stay away from that white meat?
Got OJ too.
Jeremiah:
Earl:
OJ is in a league of his own.
True.
Jeremiah:
Earl:
Yo you tryin to smoke?
Jeremiah:
What else would I be tryin to do when I got my brotha home for the weekend?
Earl:
Ha. Good weed aint easy to find at school.
Jeremiah:
You mean those rich white boys don’t smoke?
Earl:
Nah man. They be doin crazy shit like heroin or ecstasy.
White folks man…
Haha yeah. So you got some stuff?
Jeremiah:
Earl:
Jeremiah:
Yeah it’s in my room. Top right drawer.
True.
Grab the bowl in the drawer too.
OK.
Earl:
Jeremiah:
Earl:
Philip Dallmann 45
Earl exits. Jeremiah goes and sits down to watch TV again. Earl re-enters slowly.
What is this?
What?
Earl:
Jeremiah:
Earl:
Nigga don’t play stupid with me. What the fuck is this?
Chill E.
Jeremiah:
Earl:
Nah fuck that. What the fuck are you doin with a gun?
I’m just holdin it.
Jeremiah:
Earl:
For who?
Some people.
Jeremiah:
Earl:
Boy you better start talkin or I’m start whoopin that ass.
Jeremiah:
Man you don’t live here no more you don’t know. Mr. College man.
Earl:
What don’t I know? I don’t know that the red bandanna that was wrapped around this gun
means you joined The Bloods? I don’t know that?
Jeremiah:
I had to.
You had to?
Yeah. I had to get protection.
Earl:
Jeremiah:
Earl:
Nigga you in high school. What you need protection from? Algebra?
Philip Dallmann 46
Jeremiah:
Nah see that’s what’s changed since you left. They in the school. They ain’t got no problem
fuckin a nigga up in school if he don’t roll with them. You remember my boy Henry? He
said nah to them. They put his face through the fuckin mirror in the bathroom. Ya’ll thought
you were thug when you went through but look around. This is the ghetto now. We got real
thugs now. Shit is real.
Pause.
What they got you doin?
Earl:
Jeremiah:
Nothin.
Jeremiah.
I just hold shit for them.
That’s all?
Earl:
Jeremiah:
Earl:
Jeremiah:
Yeah.
This gun’s missing bullets.
Earl:
Black out. Fade/Passage of time into- Jeremiah is sitting on stage waiting. Earl enters still visibly distressed.
Earl:
I didn’t tell ma.
Thanks.
Jeremiah:
Earl:
Don’t thank me. I didn’t do it for you nigga. If she found out it’d break her heart. She’d
never stop worrying about you and she doesn’t need that while she’s trying to provide for
this fam all by herself.
Ok.
Jeremiah:
Philip Dallmann 47
Earl:
Ok? That’s all you got to say for yourself is ok? (Punches him) Do you get it? Do you know
what you’re fuckin around with? These fools are serious.
Jeremiah:
I told you I know that. I ain’t got a choice.
You always got a choice.
Easy for you to say college boy.
Earl:
Jeremiah:
Earl:
You keep callin me that like it’s some kind of insult. I am a college boy and fully expect you
to be a college boy in 2 years too.
Yeah ok. You see me gettin out of here?
Jeremiah:
Earl:
Yeah I do. If I can anyone can.
I aint a geek like you.
Jeremiah:
Earl:
I got a news flash for you homie, I aint that smart. I’m just an average poor black man.
Funny thing is that colleges feel guilty if they aint got enough of us so they let me in. I mean
you gotta work a little bit for it but it aint impossible.
Jeremiah:
You make it sound so easy, but I watch it everyday. Unless you can dunk or can break a few
tackles you better start saving pennies now cause you aint ever gonna get out of here and
you’re gonna end up brown baggin colt.
Earl:
I get that things have changed. I get that they changed fast. But you didn’t.
You don’t know that.
Jeremiah:
Earl:
You aint foolin nobody negro. You the same little pussy ass punk you was when I left.
Fuck you.
Jeremiah:
Philip Dallmann 48
Earl:
Tell me I’m wrong.
I ain’t a pussy nigga.
Jeremiah:
Earl:
Yeah ya are. Always have been and always will be.
Jeremiah reaches for his gun in his pants.
Earl:
And that’s why. A real man don’t need a gun to handle his business. It sure takes a lot of
balls to shoot some body from behind 40 feet away. Nah a man handles his business up
close. A man works with his words and if he has to his hands. Ya know what else a man
does? He takes care of his family. Ma is working two jobs. I got a job on top of all my
classes. What are you doin? Huh? Smokin up and runnin around thinkin you a gangsta. If
you was a real man you’d be tryin to help out. But you aint. You still nothin but a pussy ass
bitch. Now you can do a couple things. You can go ahead and run around them crazy ass
niggas doin nothing but destructin this neighborhood piece by piece or …or you can change
like you swear you have and be a man for a change. At this point I don’t care which one you
choose. But I am gonna tell you this, let me here that anything happens to ma or that you’re
makin her stressed or anything, you gonna need more than 2 bullets in that gun cause I’m
comin for ya. I’m gettin fuck out of here. I got class at 8 am. Be easy homie.
Black Out.
2/1/2011 Pebbles and Number Four.
Tony is sitting on the floor amongst a mess of books and papers. He is searching for notes that he has no idea
where they are. Jimmy enters disregarding the papers and walking right on them.
Jimmy:
Hey man what’s up?
Dude!
What?
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
I’m trying to find something and you’re just…just…can you not stand on my papers?
Jimmy:
Ok. All you had to do was ask. A please wouldn’t have hurt but I wont hold it against you.
Philip Dallmann 49
Tony:
How kind of you.
Jimmy:
I know. I’m far too forgiving of a person. You don’t look well man.
I haven’t slept in awhile.
Tony:
Jimmy:
A while as in I took an hour nap in the last two days or a while as in my eye lids have eroded
away because I haven’t closed them in months?
Hour nap.
Tony:
Jimmy:
Oh ok. Phew. Cause you hadn’t blinked since I got here so I was getting a little worried and
a little freaked out.
Tony:
It’s good to know you care.
Well I do what I do.
Right.
So what is all this mess?
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
Notes.
Gotcha.
Yep.
Lots of paper.
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
Lots of notes.
Philip Dallmann 50
Jimmy:
Yeah.
Yerp.
Tony:
Jimmy:
Do you prefer the wide rule paper? I’ve always been a college rule kinda guy myself.
Why are you here?
Tony:
Jimmy:
You sure know how to treat a guest.
Tony:
You’ve been coming to my house since we were 6. You stopped being a guest 12 years ago.
Fine I see how it is.
Jimmy:
Pause
So I was at this crazy party last night
Was that Steve’s party?
Yeah.
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
He’s a tool.
Jimmy:
Yes. Yes he is. But, he is a tool who knows lot’s of women.
How many rejections?
14 but…
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
How many times did you get hit?
Philip Dallmann 51
Jimmy:
Only 3 times by girls and this one chick’s boyfriend pushed me but I don’t think that counts.
No of course not.
But there was this one chick…
Was she conscious?
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
I think so. Her eyes were open.
Say no more. You’re truly a winner.
Because winners score.
Dude.
What?
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
Pause
Jimmy:
Tony:
Why are you here?
Jimmy:
Oh yeah. I knew you were all stressed out with, ya know, not failing out of school, working
at that really horrible job, having that fugly girlfriend who whines whines whines whines and
never lets you hang out with me…
Tony:
Dude.
Jimmy:
Right. I knew you were stressin so I brought you somethin.
What?
Take a look at this.
Tony:
Jimmy:
Philip Dallmann 52
Pulls out Ziploc bag with what appears to be multi colored powder.
What the fuck is that?
Tony:
Jimmy:
Right. Looks so cool. I scored it off this kid.
Tony:
What?
Jimmy:
Well you know I gave up all the crazy shit like 2 years ago.
Tony:
Right the rectal search at the Mexico Border…I tried to forget that.
Jimmy:
Right, so I knew you needed somethin but I only know weed dealers around here and weed
isn’t gonna help you get shit done.
Tony:
Right, unless it’s finishing that bag of chips over there.
Jimmy:
You need weed to do that? What a pus…
Fuck you.
Tony:
Jimmy:
Ha anyway. So I asked myself who would know where to get stuff?
Pause.
Who?
My little brother.
He’s 12.
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
And at 12 I was doing lines in the chorus room.
Philip Dallmann 53
Tony:
Which you appear to be proud of?
Jimmy:
And my brother looks up to me, so of course he’d be a chip off the old block. So I asked
him what the hot new shit was and he told me it was this stuff. He had a buddy who deals it.
Apparently everyone is doing it. P Diddy, Jay Z, Ashton Kutcher, Matthew Perry, Patrick
Stewart…
Patrick Stewart?
Tony:
Jimmy:
Apparently has been doing it for years before this shit became mainstream.
What’s it called?
Bam Bam.
Bam Bam?
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
Bam Bam. I don’t know where they got the name but it’s awesome. I tried some earlier. It
burned a little but I’ve been smelling fruit ever since and my little bro said it’s good for you.
Tony:
Bam Bam…
Jimmy:
So I’m sayin boy lets try this shit out for real.
Gimme that.
Tony:
Tony takes the bag and puts his finger in it to taste it.
Dude! My brother told me not to taste it!
Jimmy:
Tony starts laughing.
Jimmy:
Yo it works that fast? Gimme some!
Philip Dallmann 54
Tony:
You are a fucking idiot.
What?
Bam Bam?
Yeah.
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
How much you pay for this?
300 bucks.
Hold on a second.
Jimmy:
Tony:
Tony runs off stage and returns with a white bottle.
Tony:
Here you take this bag and I’m gonna give you this bottle for free. Take it as a gift from my
sister.
Jimmy:
Dude your sister’s 5 what’s she doin gettin into this shit.
Tony:
Man she’s hardcore about. Takes it every morning and every night before brushing her teeth.
And your parents let her?
Jimmy:
Tony:
Let her? They buy it for her. They bought it for me when I was little too.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Shit man…
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
Philip Dallmann 55
Tony:
Yeah, crazy right? Only they get the old school version.
Old school version?
Yeah. Before it get’s ground up like this.
So it’s pure.
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
Right.
What’s it called?
Flintstone Vitamins.
What?
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
Your brother took 300 dollars from you for a bag full of ground up Flinstone Vitamins.
Jimmy:
Wait…so this shit has vitamins in it too? Awesome.
You need help.
So can I keep this bottle?
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
Seriously, get help.
A burst of smoke engulfs the stage. When it clears we find Jimmy and Tony on the couch. They have been
smoking up for a while and in the process devoured 2 pizzas each.
See.
What?
Jimmy:
Tony:
Philip Dallmann 56
Jimmy:
I told you.
Told me what.
I dunno.
Tony:
Jimmy:
Silence.
Good weed.
Yeah.
Jimmy:
Tony:
Silence.
Dude.
Mmm?
I got the Itis. (EYE-TIS)
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
What?
The Itis.
What the fuck is that?
It’s the Itis negro.
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
I thought you stopped using ‘negro’ after those black guys kicked your ass.
Do you see any black people around?
Jimmy:
Philip Dallmann 57
Truth.
Tony:
Silence.
Tony:
What the fuck is the Itis?
Dude.
You gonna finish that thought?
Huh?
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
What the fuck is the Itis?
Jimmy:
Oh…yeah. It’s when you eat a ton and want to take a nap.
Oh.
It’s short for niggeritis.
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
What?
Ya know.
No?
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
When white people thought black people were lazy. We said they had niggeritis. Cause all
they did was eat and sleep.
Funny how things change.
Tony:
Jimmy:
Huh?
Philip Dallmann 58
Tony:
I mean look at our top athletes now a days. Jordan, Kobe, LT, Randy Moss, Griff, all them
are black.
True. But we got Brett Favre.
Jimmy:
Tony:
And that’s all we’ll ever need.
Truth.
Jimmy:
Silence.
Jimmy:
I did somethin horrible.
What?
I don’t want to say.
Ok.
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
Silence.
It was really horrible.
Ok. What is it?
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
I don’t want to say.
Ok.
Tony:
Silence.
Jimmy:
WE”RE SMOKING YOUR GRANDMA!
Philip Dallmann 59
WHAT?!
I’m sorry dude.
Wait what the fuck?
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
I just. I dunno. I was all high and shit.
Before we smoked?
Yeah.
You were high before we smoked?
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
Yeah.
Off what?
I sniffed some glue.
What are you 5?
I dunno.
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
So because you were high you decided to take my poor Grandma Boop out of her urn and
roll her into the blunts we were about to smoke.
Jimmy:
Yeah.
Silence.
Jimmy:
Say something, man. You’re normally so loquacious.
Philip Dallmann 60
Tony:
Loquacious?
Yeah it means to talk a lot.
I know, but how do you know?
Jimmy:
Tony:
Jimmy:
My mom got me a word of the day Scooby Doo Calendar. That day was Daphne.
Tony:
Gotcha.
Would you do Velma? Be honest.
Jimmy:
Tony:
I dunno. I mean obviously Daphne would be my first choice.
Jimmy:
Obviously but say Daphne had the clap and your only option was Velma.
Tony:
Yeah…yeah I think I would.
Jimmy:
While we’re on the subject…hottest Disney princess? Discuss.
Hands down Jasmine.
I disagree homie. It’s most def Ariel.
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
That’s just cause you have a weird fire crotch thing.
Yeah I do.
Jimmy:
Tony:
But she wouldn’t have that. She’s got a big ass fish tail thing.
Oh yeah…
Jimmy:
Philip Dallmann 61
Tony:
And where would you stick it?
I dunno.
Jimmy:
Tony:
And why did we stop discussing how we just smoked Grandma Kriescher?
Jimmy:
Think of it as becoming much closer to her.
Tony:
We’re going to hell.
Jimmy:
Where Satan will be waiting with pants down.
Truth.
I know what will make you feel better.
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony:
What?
Jimmy turns on a CD player. Will Smith’s ‘Getting Jiggy With It’ begins to play. Jimmy starts an obviously
choreographed dance badly. Stops. Then looks at Tony.
Act like you don’t know nigga.
Cracka please.
Jimmy:
Tony:
Tony joins into the dance. They stop.
White people really do love Will Smith.
Him and Brett Favre is all we need.
Tony:
Jimmy:
Tony.
Mmmhmmm.
Philip Dallmann 62
Black Out.
2/2/2011 As Simple As It Gets
Two old black men sit on rocking chairs. Children are heard in the backroom.
Willis:
Hmm
Reggie:
Mmm.
Willis:
Remember that time…
Reggie:
Mmmhmm.
Willis:
Ha. Yep.
Reggie:
I’m gonna go…
Willis:
Mmhmm.
Reggie exits.
Willis:
Sigh. Hmmm.
2/3/2011 What Light In Yonder…yadda yadda yadda.
Enter Romeo. He is pacing. Above him is the tower that houses his beloved Juliet. The Janitor is trimming
the bushes below unnoticed.
He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
Romeo:
Janitor begins to whistle while he works. It catches Romeo off guard.
Oh. I didn’t see you there.
Romeo:
Philip Dallmann 63
Jimmy:
People never do. Isn’t it kinda late to be wanderin around the grounds and what not?
Yes. But I am in love.
Romeo:
Jimmy:
Gotcha. Well I’m just gonna get back to work then….
Romeo:
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Son. It’s a candle.
Jimmy:
Romeo:
Oh but her beauty shines through.
Jimmy:
Oh boy. Come here boy. Let me tell you a little something about love. It’s no good. I fell in
love once. Worst mistake I ever made.
What happened?
I got married. You know what that’s like?
I can only imagine it’s wonderful
Romeo:
Jimmy:
Romeo:
Jimmy:
Wrong. It’s one never ending nag. Jimmy do this, Jimmy do that, Jimmy go pick up my
mother. Doesn’t she know that her mother weighs a ton and this is the middle ages? Damn
near killed my donkey.
But I’m sure she is beautiful.
Romeo:
Jimmy:
Was beautiful. Word of advice. Always get a good look at a girl’s mother before you commit
because that’s what you’re looking forward to. What was once a voluptuous figure now
is....shudders. It’s like one big blob now…sort of a super boob situation.
Well I think I will be alright.
Romeo:
Philip Dallmann 64
Jimmy:
Damn they are right about you Montagues bein type slow.
Romeo:
Why don’t you get back to trimming those bushes?
Heard she needs to trim her bush…
What was that?
Jimmy:
Romeo:
Jimmy:
Uh word around the castle is that Juliet needs to trim her bush.
Romeo:
I don’t understand. Isn’t that your job?
No. She needs to trim her bush.
Then what is your job?
She has a lot of pubic hair.
Jimmy:
Romeo:
Jimmy:
Romeo:
Oh.
Jimmy:
Yep. You might be better off just doin the old soliloquy.
That’s what I was doing….
Romeo:
It is my lady, O, it is my love!
O, that she knew she were!
She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?
Her eye discourses; I will answer it.
I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks:
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
Having some business, do entreat her eyes
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
What if her eyes were there, they in her head?
Philip Dallmann 65
Jimmy:
No I mean SO-LIL-OQUY. Ya know?
Romeo:
I don’t follow.
Jimmy:
See this is why royal inbreeding is a bad idea. I mean just monologue which yo self ya know?
Put on a little lute, grab a bottle of Jergens, maybe some wool, and get down…
Romeo:
I think I’d rather just be with Juliet. For all of eternity.
Jimmy:
Whoa. Man you are committing way to early. You gotta milk the cow before you buy it.
What are you? 13? No. Now is the time to just try and milk as many cows as you can. I mean
you got at least 15 years before you’ll probably die from a random cough or get stabbed by a
jealous sibling or cousin or some shit.
Romeo:
I will be fine. Now if you don’t mind.
Jimmy:
Fine, fine. I’ll just get back to work. You have fun with that in 15 years. Lord knows I seen
her momma…and I thought I had it bad…
Romeo:
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
That birds would sing and think it were not night.
See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!
Janitor walks up and slaps Romeo across the cheek.
Jimmy:
Sorry. Sometimes my hand is just drawn to stupid.
Jimmy exits. Black Out.
Philip Dallmann 66
2/4/2011 Gotcha! An Assasination.
On stage a well dressed man is getting ready to leave for the theatre. Enter his mom.
And where do you think you’re going?
Mrs. Booth:
JWB:
To the theatre. I got a ticket to go see a play.
Mrs. Booth:
And…
JWB:
And to pull an awesome prank on Abe.
Mrs. Booth:
Jonathan Wilkes-St. Francis of Assisi Booth. The theatre is no place for pranks. It is a
civilized institution.
JWB:
But honey…Abe got me really good the other day. He tricked me into tipping this black guy
he had painted white. Nuts right? So I gotta get him back.
And how are you going to do that?
Mrs. Booth:
JWB:
I got this awesome prank gun. Guy I bought it from said it would leave him in stitches. I
know he’s going to poo himself. Please. Just this once can I go have fun with my friend?
Mrs. Booth:
Fine…
Black out. Lights up. John Wilkes-St. Francis of Assisi Boothe is standing over a dead Lincoln.
Oh fuck.
JWB:
Black out.
2/5/2011 Waiting For Mike
Waiting for Mike?
Bob:
Pete:
Yeah. Figured I’d be here when he gets here.
One man is waiting on a bench. Another joins him.
Philip Dallmann 67
Bob:
What if this was like Waiting for Godot and we were just here waiting forever?
That would suck.
Hey Guys.
Hey Mike.
Pete:
Mike:
Bob:
Black Out.
2/6/2011 Unfortunate Rhapsody
Lights up on a man on stage. He is on his knees, holding a gun to his head.
Do you think anyone will care?
Man:
A Priest walks past.
Priest:
No.
Man sneezes.
Bless You.
Priest:
Black out.
2/7/2011 Freedom Comes In All Forms
A Man is pacing the stage with a picket sign that says “Stop War”. He shouts various things along these
lines.
Another man comes out and observes the protester. He leaves for a moment only to return with a blank
picket sign and a sharpie. He sits down and writes. He raises his sign and we see it says “Stop
Complaining”. They shout various obscenities at each other until they drop their signs as a flag covered
casket it brought past them. They observe with solemnity.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann 68
2/8/2011 The Natural End Of Love
An older woman appears on stage sitting on the couch with boxes around her. She hides it well but she is very
ill.
Margaret:
My father wanted me to marry Barry Yordelfier. Barry came from old money and had just
returned from Yale to work for his father’s law firm. Yes that stereotypical pure bread man
along the lines of Cary Grant but with out the personality. My father wanted to set us up on
a date. He was to take me out to this fancy restaurant in Philadelphia. There was this tiny
problem though. See, I had signed my heart off 12 years earlier in the sandbox. I was 6 and
had just built the greatest feat architecture had seen in a hundred years. A mound of sand
with ridges. I called it a castle. It lasted about 2 minutes before my older brother William ran
right through it declaring he was the dragon attacking the castle. I put my head in my hands
and cried. I only looked up when I heard my brother yell and start to cry. Another boy was
standing over him. He had a funny nose and dark hair. He pointed at my brother and said in
a voice much too deep for his size “That was not nice. You apologize to her right now” My
brother ever so stubborn, and also not know when he was outmatched said, “I don’t want
to. What are you going to do about it?” The dark haired boy just started to roll up his little
plaid sleeves. My brother quickly jumped up, muttered an ‘I’m sorry’ and ran for the hills.
My knight had slain the dragon. 12 years later the door bell rang. I opened it expecting Barry
Yordelfier. Instead a dark haired man stood there, with a funny nose. He said to me, “I
heard you need rescuing”. He took me out for a night on the town. We danced, laughed, and
I don’t think I’ve ever smiled that much in all my life. My knight had rescued me. It’s funny
how some things never change.
James her husband enters.
What are you doing?
James:
Margaret:
Oh just getting some boxes together for Carolyn to help her move.
Here let me do it.
I can do it.
You should be resting some.
I’m fine. I feel fine.
James:
Margaret:
James:
Margaret:
Philip Dallmann 69
James:
The doctor said…
Margaret:
Ok, ok. I’ll let my strapping husband do the heavy lifting.
Well I’m no Clark Gable.
James:
Margaret:
You never needed to be dear. Just a knight. That’s all.
Death appears. He slowly walks Margaret off stage. James is frozen. When she is gone he falls in on himself.
James:
She’s gone. I can’t believe she’s gone. What am I supposed to do with out her? She’s my
everything. She was…Oh god. Margaret was the only girl for me since the day I first laid
eyes on her. Absolutely nothing was going to stop me from marrying her. I wanted to spend
the rest of my life trying to make her as happy as she made me every time she smiled in my
direction. Now what? She was my princess. I would’ve done anything for her. I would have
done anything to keep her from this. Anything. She always called me her knight. What kind
of knight can’t save his princess? Well? None. I failed her…I…couldn’t do anything …I just
had to watch…watch as she left me. I remember when the doctor first told her…that…and
she just looked at him and said ‘Well I guess I don’t have to do my taxes this year’. I was
crying. She told me to stop. She told me that I had to be strong and that we’d get through
this and…and that she loved me and that she needed her knight right now. She wasn’t a
princess. She was an angel. An angel that made every day I spent with a blessing. On the day
we got married, my mother pulled me aside. She asked me if I had sold my soul to the devil.
I said no. She said good then that means god sent her and you must’ve done somethin real
good for him to give you an angel like that. Thank you god for giving me the time I had with
her. I have no idea what I did to deserve her. Thank you. Margaret…I love you…I love you
even though death do us part… I just miss you…I miss you so much.
Black Out.
2/9/2011 Post Game.
Lights up on a screen. Behind it we see the silhouettes of a man and woman in the middle of passionate love
making. We hear the sounds…we get the idea. After the ultimate sounds of climax are heard, the man exits
the shadow bedroom. He enters in front of the screen now with a towel wrapped around his waist and wiping
his face with a smaller towel, he clearly just showered. He sits down on a chair and is immediately surrounded
by a handful of reporters and photographers.
Ben! Ben! Ben!
Reporters:
Ben:
Philip Dallmann 70
Pointing You.
Reporter 1:
Ben. How did you feel coming off a two week lay off? Was there any rust?
Ben:
Well as you guys know I think of myself as a student of the game so the last 2 weeks I
haven’t been sitting on my ass. I’ve been studying film, watchin tape, putting in the time you
know? That being said with any lay off there’s a certain degree of “rust”. You just have to
get into a rhythm.
Reporters:
Ben! Ben! Ben!
Ben points.
Reporter 2:
Ben, how would you rate your performance tonight? Was this your best?
Ben:
Well this was certainly better than anything my rookie year. Hahaha. My best though? I don’t
know. I mean as much as you like to think of this as a solo sport it really takes a team effort.
And this is no slight on Emily but I really think Isabella when I was playing in Spain for
those 6 months was the best teammate you could ask for. We just read each other minds.
That being said her latin temper was probably worse than Ron Artest.
Ben! Ben! Ben!
Reporters:
Ben points.
Reporter 3:
Ben, who would you say your greatest influence was?
Ben:
You know I get that one a lot. I mean you have to look at the all time greats… Hefner,
Connery, Mr. 10,000 Wilt Chamberlain and of course on of my contemporaries who coined
the phrase sexual dynamite, John Mayer. I think they all had some degree of influence on me
but I also think that my game is different than their’s and something I’ve refined over time.
Ben! Ben! Ben!
Reporters:
Ben:
One more guys before I gotta spoon. You.
Philip Dallmann 71
Reporter 4:
What do you have to say about the report that your kid brother Tommy has problems with
prematurity because he gets scared?
Ben does his best Mike Gundy impression. If you do not know who Mike Gundy is please Google “Mike
Gundy Rant” and enjoy.
Ben:
Are you kidding me? Where are we at in society today? Come after me! I’m a man! I’m 40!
I’m not a kid! Write something about me! Don’t write a kid that does everything right, that’s
heart is broken, and then say the coaches say he was scared! That ain’t true! That’s not true!
The situation continues to deteriorate. The reporters now assault Ben with questions while he channels some of
the greatest postgame rants of all time. Each one is labeled. Google and enjoy.
Reporter 2:
How about the fact that Mark Scripple beat you in the first quarter this year? Were you
unprepared going into this year?
Dennis Green on the Bears.
Ben:
Listen he is who I thought he was. If you want to crown his ass crown it. But he is who I
thought he was.
Reporter 1:
Do you take any moral victory from last weeks oral fiasco?
Herman Edwards with the Jets.
Ben:
You play to win the game. Hello? You play. To WIN. The GAME. You don't play to just
play it...I don't care if you don't have any wins, you go play to win. When you start telling me
it doesn't matter, then retire, get out, because it matters... One thing I know, I don't quit.
That will not happen.
Reporter 3:
I mean people are saying that a lack of practice has caused these kind of hiccups…
Allen Iverson on practice.
Ben:
If I can't practice, I can't practice. It is as simple as that. It ain't about that at all. It's easy to
sum it up if you're just talking about practice. We're sitting here, and I'm supposed to be the
franchise player, and we're talking about practice. I mean listen, we're sitting here talking
about practice, not a game, not a game, not a game, but we're talking about practice. Not the
Philip Dallmann 72
game that I go out there and die for and play every game last it's my last but we're talking
about practice man. How silly is that?
What about Spring Break?
Reporter 2:
Jim Mora on the playoffs.
Ben:
What’s that? Ah — Spring Break? Don’t talk about — Spring Break? You kidding me?
Spring Break? I just hope I can get another girl. Another girl.
Reporter 1:
What about your constant demand that you buy any devices or contraception?
Bill Parcells on picking his players.
Ben:
If you want someone to cook the meal you gotta let them shop for the groceries.
A woman comes out wrapped in a sheet.
Reporters:
BEN! BEN! BEN!
Ben:
I’m done.
Flips the chair Bobby Knight style and exits with woman. Cameras Flash. Black Out.
2/10/2011 Mistakes in Comfort.
A man dressed in shirt in tie enters the stage. He sits at a desk which is visibly a high school teacher’s desk.
Mike Jaronski:
I got married on July 21st 1988. It was a nice day. About 80 degrees, sunny. No real
humidity. The sky had that real nice Carolina Blue color to it. A few scattered clouds. A nice
summer day. I wore a black, 3 button tux, with a royal blue vest and straight tie. My hair was
a little longer back then so I put a bunch of junk in it to make it look presentable. I had
saved up enough money so that my wife, Sherri, could have the wedding of her dreams. Big
Catholic Church. Lots of stained glass windows. She got her extremely expensive dress. The
bridesmaids got their extremely ugly dresses. We had about 300 guests. It was a wonderful
day. I got divorced on February 12th. I don’t remember much about that day. I’m assuming
it was cold. It was February. I woke up at 6 am for work. I’m a teacher. I teach 11th grade
World History. I went to work. I came home and a man with a manila envelope was waiting
for me. He was waiting to serve me the divorce papers. I can honestly say I never saw it
coming. Irreparable differences was the line used in the documents. A younger guy with a 6
figure salary is what it actually was. That doesn’t excuse this though. I can’t believe I let this
Philip Dallmann 73
happen. I just…I am just so tired. I’m tired of waking up at 6 am to teach a bunch of kids
half of whom don’t give two shits about Charlemagne or Alexander the Great. And half of
them are going to end up asking me if I want fries with that in a year or two. I’m tired of
eating the same WaWa pretzel and soda for lunch every day. I’m tired of going home to an
empty house, watching 4 hours of ESPN, eating a microwaveable dinner, rubbin one off,
and then going to bed by 9:30 every night. No excuses. No excuses. I told her to stay after. I
told her my sob story. I touched her leg. I kissed her. I made love…no that wasn’t making
love. I made love to my wife. This was…sex. Just sex. Trying to find some feeling. Trying to
find some comfort. But now…I…I …I feel hollow. Just not even human.
Lights fade and when they come back up on stage are two teenage girls. They are both in pajamas with
popcorn, chocolate, and moves scattered around the sleeping bags.
Christine:
Chocolate?
Mary:
Check.
Movies with Orlando Bloom?
Check.
Christine:
Mary:
Christine:
I’m pretty sure that’s all I need for a good night.
Mary:
A really good night.
Christine:
Ok so before we start a night of glorious Mr. Bloom I have to ask. You and Jake have gotten
kind of serious.
Yeah a little.
So…did you do it?
Christine!
Mary:
Christine:
Mary:
Christine:
Well?
Philip Dallmann 74
Mary:
Yeah.
Oh my god. How was it?
You know. You’ve done it before.
Christine:
Mary:
Christine:
So? It’s different for everyone. Tell me everything. I want details.
Pause
Ok. Alright so it was like 2 weeks ago…
2 weeks ago! And you didn’t tell me?
Mary:
Christine:
Mary:
Do you want to hear?
Yes! Go on.
Christine:
Mary:
Ok. So it was like 2 weeks ago. We were at his house. His parents had gone away for the
weekend.
Of course.
Christine:
Mary:
Right so ya know we were kissing and stuff. And then he stopped and looked at me and was
like ‘Baby, I just want you to know I really love you’.
Aw!
Christine:
Mary:
I know right. So I told him I loved him too. And then he got my bra off, which I don’t
understand what’s so difficult about it but it takes him forever.
Philip Dallmann 75
Christine:
Same with every guy. It’s such a simple clasp but they all fumble with it. Ok, so he got your
bra off, then what? Did he do the kitten paw? Or did he actually know what he was doing
with the ladies?
Mary:
Kitten paw.
When will they learn? Ok, so then what?
Christine:
Mary:
Well ya know how I had never really seen…one…before?
Christine:
Yeah. I still can’t believe that. It’s called the internet.
Mary:
So he pulled it out.
And?
Christine:
Mary:
It was all…floppy.
Floppy?
Christine:
Mary:
Yeah it just kind of flopped.
Was it what you expected?
Christine:
I guess. It was just smaller than I thought.
Oh. How small?
Mary:
Christine:
Mary:
Like this. Raises her pinky.
Oh no.
Christine:
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Yeah.
So then you guys did it?
Mary:
Christine:
Mary:
Yeah. It was alright I guess. Didn’t last very long and I felt kinda sick afterwards.
Christine:
He used a condom right?
Mary:
Yeah of course. Took him a couple times to get it on right though.
Oh no. How many times?
Like ½ a box.
Christine:
Mary:
Christine:
Oh no.
Mary:
Yeah. Does it get better? Cause I don’t really think I want to do that again if it doesn’t.
Yeah. He’ll get bigger, I mean better.
Christine!
Christine:
Mary:
Christine:
I’m just kidding. But yes it will get better. It’s also different with each guy. I know it was for
me.
Mary:
Wait. I thought Paul was your first.
He was…
Christine!
Well….
Christine:
Mary:
Christine:
Philip Dallmann 77
Mary:
Did you cheat on Paul?
Christine:
No…not really.
Not really?
Mary:
Christine:
Well you remember like 4 weeks ago when me and Paul kinda broke up?
Right. The misread text message.
Mary:
Christine:
Right. So I was all upset and I was in History…
Mary:
Did you do it with Justin Warren? He is so cute.
No.
Oh. Well then go on.
Christine:
Mary:
Christine:
So I was in history and I just couldn’t stop from crying. The bell rang and I was getting my
stuff together to head home and Mr. Jaronski comes over to me and tells me to hang back.
So ya know I’m worried he’s going to be all mad at me for crying in his class, but he was so
cool about it. He asked me what was wrong and I told him and he was so understanding. He
told me about how his wife left him, and how upset he was. And so we were talking for like
2 hours. And then ya know…one thing led to another.
Oh my god. You slept with Mr. Jaronski?
Mary:
Christine:
Yeah.
Christine!
Mary:
Philip Dallmann 78
What?
He’s like 30!
So? Paul is 19. I like older guys.
Christine:
Mary:
Christine:
Mary:
There is a huge difference between 19 and 30 Christine. Besides he’s a teacher! That’s just
wrong.
Christine:
You don’t get it.
Christine, he took advantage of you.
Mary:
Christine:
No, we comforted each other. We were both dealing with a break up.
Christine…
Mary:
Christine:
You just don’t get it. You’ve only had a boyfriend for like a month. What do you know? Mr.
Jaronski, Matt, cares about me.
Lights fade and when they come back up we see thatMike Jaronski is at his house packing the last of his
boxes to load up on the truck. His door is open. Christine walks in.
Hello?
What are you doing here?
Christine:
Mike:
Christine:
Well I was kind of hoping for a warmer greeting.
Mike:
Sorry.
You’re forgiven.
Christine:
Philip Dallmann 79
Thanks. What are you doing here?
Mike:
Christine:
Well you weren’t in school today so I was worried you were sick or something with no one
to take care of you.
Oh. Well I’m fine.
Are you moving?
Mike:
Christine:
Mike:
Yes.
Oh where?
Back to Philadelphia.
Christine:
Mike:
Christine:
Oh. Cool. Well maybe I could come visit over Christmas break or something.
Mike:
I don’t think that’s such a good idea.
Why not?
Christine:
Mike:
Because Christine, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.
But…
Christine:
Mike:
No. Christine, what happened was a mistake. A huge mistake given but a mistake and I’m
sorry. It shouldn’t have ever happened.
Christine:
But we had sex. That means you love me.
Mike:
No…no it means I was sad and I…I didn’t handle it well.
Philip Dallmann 80
I love you.
I’m sorry.
Christine:
Mike:
Christine:
Here let’s just have sex again and you’ll see that you love me too. We can do it right here on
your couch.
Mike:
No…
Christine:
I’m sure I’m much better at it now. I was reading cosmo on how to give a blow job so we
could do that too if you want and they had all these different positions…
Mike:
Stop Christine. What ever happened, happened, and that’s it. I’ve resigned from my job
because it’s made me so guilty. Its best you just leave and never try and contact me again.
Please…love me….
Christine:
Mike:
I’m sorry.
I love you.
Christine:
Mike:
I have to go get more boxes from downstairs. You should go.
Mike Exits.
Christine, distraught, slowly exits.
Black out.
2/11/2011 They Know Not
A man sits at his desk, facing away looking outside. This is the oval office. This is the President. Times are
at an impasse. An older man, a general enters.
Sir?
General:
Philip Dallmann 81
Wha…Oh. Benjamin.
Sir…it’s time.
President:
General:
President:
Yes. Yes I suppose it is. How did we get here? How…
Sir.
General:
President:
I know. I know.
General:
If it makes you feel better Father McKinley arrived a few minutes ago. Should I send him in?
No…. I’m a Christian.
I know sir…that’s why I suggested…
President:
General:
President:
We believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins…and in him we are forgiven. This man…this
man who gave the ultimate sacrifice for us…you know what he said to God…his father
right before he died? Forgive them, for they know not what they do.
Sir…
General:
President:
Forgive them, for they know not what they do…that…that does not apply here. I know
exactly what I am doing.
General:
Yes you do, but it is going to save millions.
President:
By killing how many? How many have our experts estimated will die when I say Go Project
Archangel?
120 million.
General:
Philip Dallmann 82
President:
120 million… one hundred and twenty million.
Another man enters anxiously.
Anxious Man (To the general):
Sir we estimate they are 45 minutes from attack range.
Mr. President?
General:
President:
I’d say may god have mercy on us all but I really just am hoping for them. Go Project
Archangel.
Anxious man runs out after a nod from the General.
General:
Mr. President…
President:
It was the best of times…it was the worst of times… they told me that I will be able to hear
it you know? Thousands of miles away… I will hear the death of 120 million people.
Sir…
You may go Benjamin.
Thank you Mr. President.
General:
President:
General:
The president pours a glass of whiskey and returns to his chair looking out the window. After a moment we
hear a slight rumble, he takes a sip. Black out.
2/12/2011 FMAL
There is a line on stage. A man walks and joins it. He clearly does not know where he is. There is a man at
the podium who is handing people pieces of paper while checking a list.
Guardian:
Timothy Ricco?
TR:
Um. Yes?
Philip Dallmann 83
You’re late.
I… I’m late?
Yes you’re late. Get in line.
Guardian:
TR:
Guardian:
TR:
Excuse me, um what is this line for?
Jobs.
Jobs?
Yep. Jobs.
DM:
TR:
DM:
TR:
I’m in a line for jobs in my dream. I wonder what that means.
DM:
This isn’t a dream man.
What?
Yeah…dude. You’re dead.
TR:
DM:
TR:
You work when you’re dead?
DM:
Yep.
Timothy gets handed a slip of paper.
DM:
Ah looks like you’re supposed to keep track of the Holy Ghost. Good luck…he’s a tricky
little bastard.
TR:
Man…fuck my life.
Philip Dallmann 84
DM:
Can’t…you’re dead.
Black out.
2/13/2011 The McConaughey List
A naked man walks out on stage. He begins to play the bongos. A woman slowly follows onto stage.
Man:
And…check. Only 17 more things to do on my bucket list.
Woman:
And this was first?
Man:
Well yeah. I mean Matthew McConaughey did it.
Sound logic.
I thought so.
Woman:
Man:
Black out.
2/14/2011 Livin the Dream
On stage are 2 people but one person. One version is a young adult in his mid 20’s while one is in his early
teens. The adult is refined, fresh out of GQ. The teen is awkward in every kind of way.
So I heard you got a date with Vicki?
14:
25:
Yeah.
Sweet man.
Yep.
14:
25:
Philip Dallmann 85
14:
I mean she would never talk to us back in the day. You know we had a locker next to her for
6 years and I think we had 3 conversations? Crazy. Well go get’em.
25 walks to a table where a beautiful red head is waiting. She is absolutely gorgeous.
Vicki:
Blah Blah Blah High School Blah Blah Blah
25:
Oh…My…God. She is so boring. I gotta get out of this. I can’t take this anymore.
14 discreetly peers into the space.
Psst. Dude. You gotta stick it out.
14:
25:
I don’t know…I don’t think I can do it…
You gotta man…it’s the dream.
Sigh Fine.
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blahedy Blah Blah….
14:
25:
Vicki:
25 and Vicki get up as the table is struck. They move upstage to a door that has appeared, Vicki’s front
door.
Blah…I had a great time.
Yeah… me too…
Vicki:
25:
Vicki:
Well…goodnight… (hesitates for a moment before turning to go inside)
25 steps up, grabs her, and kisses her passionately.
Goodnight.
25:
25 high fives 14 and exits.
Philip Dallmann 86
14:
That’s the dream.
2/15/2011 The Closet Has Been Open For Awhile.
Black out.
On stage we have a family dinner. Mom, Dad, and Son are seated at the table eating a fast food dinner. The
Son stands preparing the room for a big announcement.
Mom…Dad… I’m gay.
Son:
Dad:
Ok.
So how was dealing with Jeff today honey?
Well ya know how he…
Ahem. Excuse me.
What is it son?
Mom:
Dad:
Son:
Mom:
Son:
I think maybe you guys didn’t hear me. Mom… Dad… I’m gay.
Dad:
No we heard you. Any way as I was sayin you know Jeff, he’s always…
Seriously?
Seriously what son?
Son:
Dad:
Son:
Seriously this is your reaction? I say I’m gay and you guys just talk as if earth shattering news
wasn’t just dropped on you?
Mom:
Earth shattering?
Philip Dallmann 87
Son:
Yes! Earth shattering. You’re son is gay.
Dad:
Son…I hate to break this to you…but this isn’t earth shattering.
We’ve kind of known for sometime.
What?
Mom:
Son:
Mom:
Well I mean honestly son, the signs were pretty obvious.
Dad:
There was your fake girlfriend who was living in Nigeria.
Shakwanda?
Son:
Dad:
You get points for not making her from Canada, but c’mon.
Mom:
There were the outfits you had me help you make so that your Wonder Woman action figure
had something “sensible yet still sexy” to wear on a day to day basis.
Dad:
And of course ya know there was the time we saw you kissing Matthew Sensenberg. That
uh…that pretty much removed any doubt.
Son:
Oh… well…
You seem disappointed son.
Mom:
Son:
No… I mean… well when my friend Gregg came out his parents cried and called a priest
and he got to have this whole dramatic storm out…
Son…
Yeah Dad?
Dad:
Son:
Philip Dallmann 88
Dad:
Would you like to have a dramatic storm out?
Son:
….Yeah.
Ok. Have at it.
Dad:
Gathers himself in sort of a mock actor’s prep kind of way.
Son:
You don’t know me and you’ll never understand me!
Son storms out. Silence.
Mom:
Do you think he’s coming back soon or can I have his fries?
Dad:
I’d say eat them now before he comes back and tells you they’re going right to your thighs.
Good idea.
Mom:
Black out.
2/16/2011 Jesus Christ…
We see a man pacing in front of his desk. This is God and this is his office. He presses the intercom button
on the desk to speak to his assistant Gabriel who is somewhere offstage.
God:
Gabriel?
Gabriel:
Yes sir?
Send Jesus in.
Yes sir.
God:
Gabriel:
God gathers himself and then sits on the edge of his desk with a chair in front of him. Jesus enters.
Philip Dallmann 89
Hey Dad, what’s up?
Sit down son.
Ok…
Jesus:
God:
Jesus:
Jesus takes a seat.
I have a big mission planned for you.
God:
Jesus:
Yeah? Really? Do I get to go appear to someone and make them a prophet? Or, OR! Do I
get to go all Sodom and Gomorrah and bring down the house fire balls style?
God:
Neither. I have something much more intricate planned.
…alright…
Jesus:
God:
First we are going to send you down as a child.
Jesus:
You’re going to put me as a baby in the desert?
No. Stop interrupting me.
Yes sir.
God:
Jesus:
God:
We’re going to send you down as a child, you are going to be birthed by a virgin and…
Jesus:
WHOA! WHOA WHOA whoa. I have to get birthed? I don’t want to see that from that
end. I don’t even like to see that from up here. I know I know, you deemed it the “miracle
of life” but you and I both know that that mess is nasty.
Jesus. Shut up.
God:
Philip Dallmann 90
Jesus:
Yes sir.
God:
You will be raised by the Virgin Mary and Joseph, a carpenter, of Nazareth. They will be
your earthly protectors. They will endure great hardship to protect you as an infant from
some of the greedier and nastier of my creations. When you gain the ability to speak
language you will begin your teaching.
People are going to listen to a toddler?
Jesus:
God:
Not just people. Priests, Prophets, all men.
Jesus:
Dad…no offense… but was The Holy Ghost around here earlier…cause a couple of weeks
ago he put some stuff in Moses’s drink and he started spouting off nonsense too…
No the Holy Ghost wasn’t here Jesus.
God:
Jesus:
Are you sure? Cause he’s a tricky little bastard.
HE WASN’T HERE!
God:
Jesus:
Ok…Ok…
God:
Anyway… As you grow older you will eventually leave your earthly parents and become a
fisher of men..
Jesus:
DAD THAT’S AWFUL! Why would you want me to fish men?!?!
No. It’s a metaphor.
Oh…that’s less awful…
God:
Jesus:
God:
Anyway… You will gain 12 Disciples. These men will follow you and help spread your
teachings, or rather my teachings that you are bringing to them.
Philip Dallmann 91
Jesus:
Ok… this all seems tedious but doable.
God:
Right so that’s just about it… minus
oneofthembetrayingyouandthenallthejewscrucifyingyouandnailingyoutoacross.
What was that?
Jesus:
God:
No big deal…just one of those 12 may betray you and…well then maybe all the Jews will
kind of turn against you…which may or may not lead to them nailing you to a cross and
letting you die.
WHAT!?! Jesus Christ!
Jesus:
God:
HEY! What did I say about you taking your name in vain?
Jesus:
Sorry dad but I think it’s alright when you get told you’re going to get crucified!
Well you didn’t let me get to the best part.
God:
Jesus:
It gets better? Do they set my corpse on fire then?
God:
No. 3 days later you get to come back alive and solidify all of your disciples’ faith. Minus the
one who betrays you…he hangs himself…
Jesus:
Ok. I get a grand entrance back to life…I can work with that. Now which one is going to
betray me?
God:
I think that would be better left as a fun surprise.
Ok… alright. Alright I’m in.
Jesus:
God:
Good. Cause I was sending you either which way.
Philip Dallmann 92
Jesus:
So much for free will…
God:
Be ready first thing in the morning. You get to become holy sperm.
Jesus:
Yeah that’s the ticket dad. Calling it holy sperm is going to make it ok.
Exits. God satisfied with himself goes to sit in his chair. It collapses.
Damn it. HOLY GHOST!!!!
God:
Mysterious or Ghostly laughter is heard.
Black Out.
2/17/2011 Art Imitates
We see a man sitting at a desk. He is a writer and he is immersed in an awful stretch of writer’s block. He
slumps in his chair. He is struck with an idea. He begins writing at a rapid pace. Down stage a light comes
up on a man wearing a bowler hat with a fancy umbrella. He opens the umbrella and begins to walk across
the stage as rain pours down on him. Writer’s block hits. The Writer stops and then in frustration crumples
the paper and tosses it in the trash bin. When the paper hits the bin the light goes out on the man in the
bowler. The Writer places his head on the desk for a moment until a new idea enters. He begins to write.
Down stage the lights come up on two gorillas. The male gorilla is bashful and clearly scared to talk to the
female gorilla. The female gorilla is oblivious and picking bugs out of her fur. The male gorilla gets and idea
and begins to peel a banana. As he peels The Writer stops writing and begins to crumple the paper. The
gorilla turns to present the banana to the girl gorilla as The Writer tosses the paper in the bin and as before,
upon impact the lights go out downstage. The Writer begins writing and tossing papers off his desk at a rapid
pace. Downstage lights come up and down on 3 clowns, 2 tap dancers, a knight, a rapper in the studio, a
Middle Eastern woman in a burka with a baby, a secret agent (Bond-esque) in a tuxedo, the lights come up
and down over all these characters rapidly until The Writer knocks everything off the desk and only his light
remains. He slumps back in his chair. He is defeated. A light flickers downstage. It comes up on a young
woman. She has luggage and a boarding pass. She is looking for someone but no one comes. She exits and the
light disappears. This scene was painful for The Writer. It was truth. The lights come up on all of the
previous characters. They gather the scattered papers and place them on the desk. They exit. The Writer sits
up and looks at where the girl had been. He begins to slump back in his chair when he takes notice of his
pen. He picks it up and considers it for a moment. He quickly begins to scribble. Downstage the girls appears
again with luggage. She is looking for someone. The Writer writes ferociously until he notices the girl about to
leave. He runs to her. They stare at each other for a moment. She notices the papers in his hands. He hands
it to her. She reads and as she reads the previous characters begin to move the desk, chair, and other items off
stage. The light begins to fill the entire stage. The girl hands it back to The Writer and smiles. She hears her
flight being called. She has to leave. They awkwardly say goodbye. She leaves. The Writer, pages in hand
begins to walk back to where his desk was, the light begins to disappear behind him. A hand on his shoulder
Philip Dallmann 93
stops him. It is the girl. A kiss brings the stage brighter than it ever has been before a complete Black Out
where all we hear are the rustle of papers floating to the ground.
2/18/2011 It’s the Ice Age Sucka.
Zack the wooly mammoth begins to walk across stage in search of Larry and Peter, the dinosaurs who are
now just a pile of bones on stage.
Zack:
Larry? Peter? Larry? Peter?
Sees pile of bones.
Zack:
Larry?...Peter?
Tentatively moves the bones with his foot.
Hm. Who’s the big ball of fur now suckas?
Zack:
Black Out.
2/19/2011 Definitely Check mate.
2 Prisoners sit at a table playing chess.
Prisoner 1:
Remember that time you killed like 35 people?
Prisoner 2 just stares at him.
Prisoner 1:
No…yeah… you were definitely framed…definitely….
Check mate.
Prisoner 2:
Prisoner 2 exits.
Son of a bitch.
Prisoner 1:
Philip Dallmann 94
2/20/2011 Footsteps
On stage are a Mother and Father sitting on the couch. Dad is flipping through the paper while Mom fidgets
and tidies.
Mom:
I was speaking with Sandra yesterday… I think she’s leaning towards the nursing program at
George Mason.
Dad:
Well following in her mother’s footsteps wouldn’t be a bad thing.
No it wouldn’t. It’s a very good program.
Mom:
Sandra, their daughter, enters.
Sandra:
Mom? Dad?
Yes dear?
I’ve decided where I want to go.
Ok.
Mom:
Sandra:
Mom:
Sandra:
I’ve decided…
Sandra takes a moment to gather her self.
Sandra:
I’ve decided I want to follow in Dad’s footsteps and go to Annapolis.
Mom:
The Navy? But baby…
That’s fantastic!
What?
Dad:
Mom:
Philip Dallmann 95
Dad:
I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder of you Sandra. The Navy was so good to me and for
me… I know it will be amazing for you.
Thanks Dad. I can’t wait.
Sandra:
Mom still in shock turns away from the scene in front of her to hide her reaction.
Black out.
2/21/2011 Charade of Love
One stage a bunch (7-13) people wander aimlessly in the cold. It is winter. They are all alone. After a few
moments Warmth hits the stage and the phrase “It’s Spring” is presented in some way. Almost immediately
couples pair up into various actions ranging from hand holding, proposing, and exaggerated full out groping.
In the end one woman is left with out a partner. She takes it all in. The couples vacate the stage. She is
alone. A man walks out. She moves towards him with promise until another man comes out and kisses him.
She is defeated.
Lady:
Am I really that undesirable? I don’t want complain …but come on! I’m smart. I have a
Masters in US History, but not too smart that it should be intimidating. I’m funny… OK so
a guy calls his mom and says…wait. No! A gorilla calls his mom….No! a pig… OK. Not so
much funny but definitely charming. (She curtsies and shakes an invisible man’s hand) It’s a
pleasure to meet you Mr. Hannigan. See? I’m fucking enchanting! I don’t cuss very much,
disregarding my previous statement, unless I’m drunk. I take great pictures. You! (Grabs a
man from off stage) Come here. Smile. (A picture is taken and he exits) Oh and besides all of that
I’m not too hard on the eyes. I have been referred to on more than one occasion as cute as a
button. These babies (her boobs) have gotten me into many a bar free of cover charge AND
once this badonkadunk got a four syllable DAAAAMN from a black guy. What is it then?
I’ve tried blind dates, online dating, I even tried not looking because love is supposed to
come when you least expect. All that accomplished was 7 months blowing through NCIS,
CSI, SVU and me being SOL. My mother thinks men can smell the desperation at this point.
She’s kind of right and kind of a bitch… I’m hoping more bitch than right. I just…ugh. (She
collapses into herself).
The couples reappear. A man sees her from afar. He moves to get to her but is hindered by the crowd. She,
exhausted and defeated, exits just before the man gets there. He looks around and takes in the couples that
surround him. One woman makes eye contact. They have a past. After a moment she returns to her current
companion.
Gentleman:
Man I miss couples charades night…with the little cheese cubes…it’s really the only time
you get cheese in tiny cube form. Singles charades night is just sad.
Mimes killing himself. Exits. We have a moment to see the bliss on stage and the pain offstage. Black out.
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2/22/2011 Yes. We….wait…say what?
On stage we see President Obama pre-election. He comes to the podium to deliver his message.
Barack:
And I say…Yes.We.Can.
A man with a bible comes on stage to administer the Presidential Oath.
Barack:
I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States,
and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the
United States.
Man with bible exits. Several other people/congressman/senators/generals come on stage and litter it with
paper work. Once they all have disposed of their papers they freeze with their hands out.
Ya know…maybe we can’t.
Barack:
Black out.
2/23/2011 How I got sucked in.
On stage we see two 12 year old boys at a cafeteria table. They are Phil and Matt, and they have been friends
since kindergarten.
Did you see Raw last night?
Phil:
Matt:
Yeah dude. I’m so sick of Stone Cold, but it was sick seeing the Dudley Boys.
Phil:
Yeah. I wish they would bring back Shawn Michaels though.
Matt:
Eh. I can do with out him. Oh. Hey Mrs. Brophy.
A teacher comes around the table. She is in her late 40’s. Her name is Barbara Brophy.
Mrs. Brophy:
Good job in chorale today Matt.
Thanks.
Matt:
Mrs. Brophy notices Phil.
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Phil:
Uh youmayknowmycousintodd.
Todd Dallmann?
Yeah.
You’re a Dallmann?
Mrs. Brophy:
Phil:
Mrs. Brophy:
Phil:
Uh Yeah. Phil Dallmann.
Mrs. Brophy:
Why aren’t you in my chorus or chorale classes?
Phil:
Well…I… (lying) I signed up. I don’t know what happened.
Mrs. Brophy:
Well we will just have to fix that. What do you have 3rd period now?
Phil:
Umm Home Ec I think.
Ok. Are you done your lunch?
Um yeah…yeah I’m all done.
Mrs. Brophy:
Phil:
Mrs. Brophy:
Why don’t you come with me down to guidance and we’ll get you into Chorale with Mr.
Kerstetter here.
Ok…yeah that’d be great.
Phil:
Phil gathers his things and begins to exit with Mrs. Brophy.
Mrs. Brophy:
You know we are having auditions next week for the winter play…we’re doing Oliver…
Black out.
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2/24/2011 Caught the Fever
A man walks across stage and then collapses. Several EMTs rush to his aide, followed by a doctor.
What’s wrong with him doc?
I fear the worst.
You don’t mean?
EMT1:
Doc:
EMT2:
Doc:
Yes…He has Bieber Fever.
Man sits up and sings “Baby Baby Baby…”
Kill it! Kill it dead!
EMT1:
A police officer shoots the man stricken with Bieber Fever.
Doc:
Let’s just hope it doesn’t spread…or may God have mercy on us all.
One of the EMTs begins humming “Baby”. Black out.
2/25/2011 Have It Your Way
On stage is a Burger King restaurant. An employee is behind the counter as a man enters.
Employee:
Welcome to Burger King how may I help you today?
Man:
I would like… a six figure job…a big ass truck…a very attractive wife, not the plastic kind,
but the classic hot kind that ages real well…I’ll take a few kids…and a German Shepherd
named Oscar.
Sir…?
Employee:
Man:
The sign says “Have it your way”…that would be my way.
Employee:
That only applies to our menu sir.
Philip Dallmann 99
Oh. Do you guys have a Big Mac?
That’s McDonalds.
Oh. Well then I’m good. Thanks.
Man:
Employee:
Man:
Man exits. Black out.
2/26/2011 Don’t Compromise
On stage is a bedroom. It is not large but not overly small…a full bed, a tv, a dress, and a night
stand…maybe a lamp. Sitting on the bed is Phil, a 22 year old young professional, fresh out of college and
just back with after a 6 month separation his girlfriend Maureen. Maureen, 24, enters after a moment
having just come from work. Maureen is not good at hiding her emotions.
Hey Baby.
Hey. How was work?
Maureen:
Phil:
Maureen:
It was alright. I’m going to miss them when I change projects.
Phil:
Yeah but you seemed excited for the change, remember?
Yeah…anyway how was your day?
Maureen:
Phil:
Fine. Just filled out a bunch of paperwork for HR.
Maureen:
So I need to talk to you.
Ok…
Phil:
Maureen:
And… and I wont be mad if you don’t want to be with me or need me to leave or…
Maureen. What’s up?
Phil:
Maureen:
I… sort of just realized this today…I think I had just been in denial and lying to myself…do
you remember that night I went to the orchestra with Luke last fall?
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Phil:
Yeah…that was right before we broke up. That was an awful night. You didn’t return any of
my calls, and I hate Luke, and Patrick and Kelly just kept handing me beers.
Maureen:
Well after the show we had drinks which you know, but I was too drunk to drive, so I went
to his apartment to wait it out and sober up. We ended up laying down on his bed… and he
kept trying to kiss me…I didn’t let him…but I also didn’t leave. I just stayed there…almost
kissing him. And I realized that I led him on to that…I was really inappropriately flirty and I
kept looking for his attention. I’m so sorry. If you want me to leave I understand.
Phil:
No… I…well…(gathers himself) OK. OK. While I don’t love hearing that, and I think I hate
Luke even more than I ever had, I mean who tries to kiss another guy’s girlfriend…god he’s
such a dick. But that’s not the point. No. I’m not happy that happened. I always said
cheating was something I’d never forgive and this is going to take some time to process…
I’ll be ok. I’m happy you told me I guess. I love you. I’m ridiculously blessed that we got this
second chance… I love you so much Maureen.
Maureen:
I love you too Phil.
2 Months Later. Maureen is at the door visibly upset.
I’m sorry.
Maureen:
Phil:
Goodbye.
Maureen exits leaving Phil alone.
Black out.
2/27/2011 The Presidential Decision
On stage is a podium with a microphone. Various press/photographers are seated to the sides. Barack
Obama enters to mild applause.
President Obama:
Thank you. My fellow Americans… we face tough times…some of the toughest in United
States history. We are fighting several wars…unemployment is at all time highs…and we
have amassed roughly a trillion dollar deficit. Taking all of this in account it is time for tough
decisions. I have decided… to take my talents to South Beach. Thank you.
Philip Dallmann101
Hub-bub ensues, flashing camera, press semi-shouting. Barack removes his shirt to reveal a Miami Heat
Jersey, and then exits.
Black out.
2/28/2011 Race Card
On stage are Jamal and Pete. Jamal is Black, Pete Caucasian. They are having lunch.
Jamal:
Why is Black History Month the shortest month of the year? That’s racist.
Pete:
Really? Playing the race card on the month of February?
Jamal:
…No…but now that you mention I’ve always felt like July was racist. It just sounds racist.
Pete:
I’m pretty sure Malcolm X would revoke your race card if he heard this.
Malcolm X enters and takes a card out of Jamal’s wallet.
Thank you.
Malcolm X:
Malcolm X exits.
Black Out.
3/1/2011 Oh Holy Night
The stage is dripping. A storm has been here. A hurricane…and it has left wreckage in it’s path. A boy sits
down amongst what was once his toys. In the corner is the remnants of a Christmas tree. The boy picks a few
pieces up and tries to put them back together unsuccessfully. He is devastated. His mother enters and sits
down with the boy. She too has been crying. His father enters and sees his family at the lowest point they’ve
know. He walks over to the heavily damaged piano on stage. It is damaged but still plays. He begins to play
Oh Holy Night. The mother with the boy wrapped in her arms hums along. At the conclusion of the song the
father joins his family on the floor and embraces them. Black out.
3/2/2011 The Prenzie Actor
We are on the set for Measure for Measure in rehearsal. On stage are 2 actors playing Isabella and Claudio.
We pick up in the middle of the scene.
Why give you me this shame?
Think you I can a resolution fetch
From flowery tenderness? If I must die,
I will encounter darkness as a bride,
Claudio:
Philip Dallmann102
And hug it in mine arms.
Isabella:
There spake my brother; there my father's grave
Did utter forth a voice. Yes, thou must die:
Thou art too noble to conserve a life
In base appliances. This outward-sainted deputy,
Whose settled visage and deliberate word
Nips youth i' the head and follies doth emmew
As falcon doth the fowl, is yet a devil
His filth within being cast, he would appear
A pond as deep as hell.
Claudio:
The prenzie Angelo!
O, 'tis the cunning livery of hel…
Isabella:
Claudio:
I’m sorry. What the hell does prenzie mean? We didn’t go over this in table work.
Director:
Actors…Prenzie in this instance means princely.
Claudio:
Is that the actual definition?
Director:
No…there is no definition. It’s just one of those words Shakespeare decided to make up.
Wait… he made some of these words up?
Claudio:
Director:
Yeah. I think he made up some 20 plus words for the English language.
Claudio:
Really…
Yep.
Director:
Claudio:
So you can make up your own language if you put it in a play…
Well I don’t know about that…
Director:
Philip Dallmann103
Claudio:
Snarfle you Macdaggerus!
Excuse me?
Yiptipely sir!
Did he just have a stroke?
Director:
Claudio:
Isabella:
Claudio:
No my dear nagerum…unless you mean a stroke of brilliance. I’m smeegople my good
litherassus, but I feel compelled to spread my new language. Walla-walla-goberon!
Claudio Exits.
Fucking actors…
Actors? Nope. This is all on testosterone.
Director:
Isabella:
Black Out.
3/3/2011 Step On It
Two guys are walking along a path.
Dude look a lizard!
Oh Sweet. I heard lizards bleed green.
Guy 1:
Guy 2:
Guy 1:
Nah uh.
Yeah. Watch.
Guy 2:
Guy 2 steps on the lizard.
Guy 1:
Dude!
Philip Dallmann104
Guy 2:
What? Oh…not green.
Lizard:
I could have saved you…15 percent…on car insurance.
Guy 1:
Damn man. You know I got a high deductible since my last accident.
Guy 2:
Sorry…maybe we’ll find a stack of cash with eyes or a caveman…
Yeah like that’s going to happen.
Guy 1:
Black Out.
3/4/2011 Writer’s Block
A man sits at a desk writing. Enter 2 other men labeled “Writer’s” and “Block”. They take the paper the
man has been writing on and throw it to the other side of the room. The man goes to retrieve it but the 2 other
(Writer’s and Block) push him away. He tries several times in different ways to get by but he is constantly
blocked. After attempting a fake moustache and monocle he sits back down. Enter a woman labeled
“Muse”. She is very beautiful. She stands in front of the man. Suddenly he becomes very alert. Several people
labeled “Idea” rush the stage and beat the crap out of “Writer’s” and “Block” before dragging them off stage.
The man retrieves his papers and sits back down. Black out.
3/5/2011 Midgets in Tuxedos or Propaganda
On stage is a conference room. The President is addressing his advisors.
President:
Alright men, we need to get the public behind this war. We need propaganda.
Advisor 1:
If you don’t support the war, you hate God.
Too many Atheists. Next.
President:
Advisor 2:
If you don’t support the war, we will kill your family.
President:
Too direct, but I like where your head is at.
Philip Dallmann105
Advisor 3:
If you don’t support the war we will kill all of the emperor penguins.
President:
Money. I love it. Who doesn’t love emperor penguins? They’re like midgets in tuxedos… get
posters…and a commercial…maybe we can get Verne Troyer to play the penguin…he’s still
relevant right? Alright good job men. Meeting adjourned.
Black out.
3/6/2011 No Clichés. Only Memories.
On stage is the bridal suite. The bride is staring into a mirror getting herself ready for the big day. The Maid
of Honor enters.
Hey Emily.
Oh Michelle.
You look gorgeous.
Michelle:
Emily:
Michelle:
Emily:
Thanks.
Everything ok?
Yeah…yeah. Everything is great.
Can I get you anything?
Michelle:
Emily:
Michelle:
Emily:
No. Thank you.
Michelle:
Alright. Well I’m going to go check in on the flower girls. If you need anything I have my
phone on me.
Thanks Mich (pr. Meeesh).
Emily:
Philip Dallmann106
Michelle exits. Emily returns to the mirror. Pete enters tentatively. Emily sees him in the mirror and is
startled.
Pete?
Uh…Hey…
What are you doing here?
Emily:
Pete:
Emily:
Pete:
I… you look beautiful in that dress.
Thanks.
Emily:
Pete:
I mean you always look beautiful…but today especially…I mean… you know what I mean.
Emily:
Good to see I can still make you stutter with the right dress.
Pete:
It’s never been the dress…it’s that certain look you give me…that little half smile…
Pete?
Yeah?
What are you doing here?
Emily:
Pete:
Emily:
Pete:
I…
Oh Pete…I’m getting married.
I know. I know. I…uh… I know.
Ok.
Emily:
Pete:
Emily:
Philip Dallmann107
Pete:
Yeah.
Emily:
Pete?
Hm?
What are you doing here?
I love you.
Pete:
Emily:
Pete:
Emily:
Pete I just told you…
Pete:
I know, I know….and I know it’s unbelievably cliché for me to come here. I just couldn’t let
you say I do without talking to you first.
Emily:
Pete. We had our chance. It didn’t work. It wasn’t meant to be.
Pete:
But what if it was? What if we just didn’t try hard enough? What if I didn’t try hard enough?
I’ve changed Emily.
Really now?
Emily:
Pete:
Yes really. I’m serious. I bought a house in Patterson.
Emily:
You bought a house? In Patterson? You hate the suburbs.
No…not for you I don’t.
Pete stop.
Stop what?
Pete:
Emily:
Pete:
Philip Dallmann108
Emily:
Stop this. All of this. This is not going to play out the way you want. I’m not going to let you
give some grandiose speech. I’ve heard enough of your poetic words. I think it’s great that
you bought a house and are trying to make changes, but you’re doing it for all the wrong
reasons. I never wanted you to do those things for me. I wanted you to want those things
for us.
Em…
Pete:
Emily:
No. No Pete. I am marrying Matt. Today is going to be the happiest day of my life. You will
not ruin it. We had our run and it was wonderful and we both grew into beautiful people
together…but it ended…it had to end. We have memories. Wonderful, Wonderful
memories…memories that make me smile every time they cross my mind. Don’t ruin them
by trying to resurrect something that just doesn’t exist anymore. So please…just go.
Fine.
Pete:
The stage splits. Emily moves to the altar and takes Matt’s hand. Pete goes to sit at a table where there is a
cake with a single candle.
Preacher:
Do you take her to be your loftily wedded wife?
Happy Birthday to me.
I do.
Pete (Singing):
Matt:
Pete:
Happy Birthday to me.
Preacher:
Do you take him to be your loftily wedded husband?
Happy Birthday dear…
I do.
Pete:
Emily:
Pete:
…me…
Philip Dallmann109
Preacher:
Then with the power invested in me I know pronounce you husband and wife.
Happy Birthday to me.
You may kiss the bride.
Pete:
Preacher:
As the couple kisses Pete blows out the candle. Black out.
3/7/2011 Death By Ninja
On stage are two men watching a kids soccer game sitting on lawn chairs.
Promise me something?
Yeah?
Man 1:
Man 2:
Man 1:
If I’m going to die in some slow, pansy kind of way…ya know like cancer or Lou Gehrig’s
disease you will hire a ninja to kill me?
Man 2:
What?
Man 1:
Yeah man. I want to go out in a blaze of glory. Just give me a sword and let me die via ninja.
Man 2:
Ok…but if I’m dying you just leave me alone ok? I don’t want to go early just incase what
ever I have becomes curable ya know?
Deal.
Man 1:
Black Out
3/8/2011 Slap-A-Lot
A man and woman are sitting at the table, she is visibly upset.
Lauren… I…
Brian:
The woman throws her drink in his face and slaps him.
Philip Dallmann110
Director:
CUT!!!
Both Lauren and Brian slip out of character as the director approaches.
Director:
You call that a slap? That was just…awful You are just…awful. I really wish you would just
cease to exist. I mean…where was the passion? You gotta slap him like he figured out you’re
the talentless hack that you are. That you really only got cast cause you slept with the
executive producer and FYI he told us all about it…throwing a hot dog down a laundry
shoot.
She slaps him.
Ok. Let’s go another. Speed!
Director:
Black out
3/9/2011 On Time For Tea
On stage the Mad Hatter and the Hare sit down for tea at a ridiculously long table.
MH:
Did you know that racecar is a palindrome? It’s the same backwards and forwards.
That’s…correct…and coherent.
I know.
H:
MH:
H:
But you’re the Mad Hatter.
Yeah. So?...Oh. Oh my.
Tea?
Please.
MH:
H:
MH:
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann111
3/10/2011 Presidential Draft
On stage is a podium. Off to the sides are two tables manned by various people working for their respective
scenes. Someone from the Chicago Obama’s brings a piece of paper to Thomas Jefferson who then moves to the
podium.
Thomas Jefferson:
With the first pick of the presidential draft The Chicago Obama’s select…Andrew Jackson.
Crowd Member:
HE HAD SLAVES!
Thomas Jefferson:
Hey…Hey…you…you stop that. Shit happened.
BAH!
Ben Franklin:
Thomas Jefferson:
Franklin? Is that you? I swear to god…
Ben Franklin:
Singing “He’s got jungle fever, she’s got jungle fever, they’re fu
WOOO!!!
Drunk Crowd Member:
Thomas Jefferson:
SYPHILLIS! HE HAS SYPHILLIS! Suck on that Franklin.
George W.:
Damn it… Andrew Jackson killed a guy…that’s so bad ass…
Thomas Jefferson:
The Texas Bushes are now on the clock…
George W:
To George Sr. Dad…now hear me out… LBJ.
Black out.
3/11/2011 Global Spooking
On Stage is Al Gore with a sheet over him pretending to be a ghost.
Al Gore:
I am the ghost of mother earth. OoOoO. Beware! Beware! Oil Companies are Killing me…
Philip Dallmann112
His wife enters cutting him off.
Tipper Gore:
Dammit Al. Stop taking the sheets off the bed.
But…Global Warming…
Al Gore:
He removes the sheet.
Al Former Vice President Gore.
Yes Ma’m…
Tipper Gore:
Al Gore:
He hands her the sheet and she exits. Black Out.
3/12/2011 Water into Whine
Walking across stage are Jesus and Judas.
Man I’m hungry…
Yeah me too…
Judas:
Jesus:
Judas:
Ya know that we a pretty cool trick with the fish and the bread…
Judas.
Yeah. Gotcha boss…sonofabitch…
What was that?
Jesus:
Judas:
Jesus:
Judas:
Nothing Savior…
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann113
3/13/2011 Mess It Up.
A man walks past two women.
Woman 1:
Damn. I’d hit that.
Woman 2:
Ok.
Woman two runs, spears, and then pummels the man.
Woman 2:
I messed that shit up.
Black Out.
3/14/2011 Lost his Damn Mind
God is walking in his office. He stumbles over something. He picks it up. It’s a brain.
God:
What the..? How did this get here? Label says…Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen. Ha! I knew
that shit wasn’t my fault. He just lost his damn mind. “Winning” my ass. JESUS! Get in here!
You owe me five bucks!
Black Out.
3/15/2011 No Redos
A woman is standing on the edge of the bridge ready to jump. A man walking his dog enters.
He:
Are you going to jump?
What?
I said are you going to jump?
Uh…yes. Yes I am. It’s time…time…
Her:
He:
Her:
He:
Well make sure you get a good push off. Last guy I saw jump smacked the back of his head
on one of those beams before he hit the water. Looked terribly painful.
Philip Dallmann114
Her:
Thanks for the advice.
He:
Anytime…well I guess not anytime…I mean you’re going to be dead soon and I’m…well
I’m not.
Right. Right. Ok.
Her:
He:
Oh hey! Do you want me to write down your last words? I just got this note taking app on
my iphone.
Last words?
Her:
He:
Yeah… like “This is the last of earth! I am content.”. John Quincy Adams…or
“Josephine...” Napoleon Bonaparte. Though I suppose you’d need to know a Josephine for
that one to work. Do you?
Her:
No…I think my brother dated a Josephine in middle school.
He:
Oh well maybe he’ll understand it then. But then again maybe he’ll think you had a weird
lesbian crush on his middle school love.
Yeah…No…
Her:
He:
I’d really go with something poetic but slightly comical. In my experience those are the ones
that are remembered. But I mean we can get what ever it is out there real fast. I mean I have
close to 2.1 billion followers on Twitter.
Oh…wow…that’s impressive.
Her:
He:
Eh it’s not parting the red sea but I do alright.
Yeah.
Her:
Philip Dallmann115
He:
Oh. Let’s do this right. Who are you survived by?
Uh…brother…2 dogs…
What kind? I love dogs.
Her:
He:
Her:
Bulldogs…Davie Boy and Chester.
He:
Nice. I’m sure they’ll be sad about all this. I mean dogs do love unconditionally.
Yeah…
Shame it’s only them and God that do that.
Her:
He:
Her:
Yeah…
Parents?
Dead.
He:
Her:
He:
Oh so at least you’ll get to see them again. That is unless suicide does really send you to
hell…but who even knows if hell exists?
Yeah…
Her:
He:
Boyfriend?
No…not in awhile…
Best friend?
Her:
He:
Her:
Sarah…since kindergarten…and my cousin Lindsay.
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He:
Regular friends?
Her:
Well…I mean my sorority sisters…and there are a few coworkers I go to happy hours with
every now and then.
He:
Gotcha. So you’re pretty alone besides your brother, dogs, 2 best friends, and litany of casual
friends. Makes sense that you’d jump then.
Her:
I…
Second guessing?
…Yes…
He:
Her:
He:
My advice? The whole killing yourself thing? Something you want to be completely sure of
before you go for it. There aren’t redos. Besides things are going to turn up for you very
quickly.
How do you know?
Chuckles to himself. Come on Gabriel.
Her:
He:
He begins to exit.
Wait! What’s your name?
I am.
Her:
He:
He exits. She steps down. Black out.
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3/16/2011 It Shoots Rainbows
A bunch of kids enter. They are searching. They finally look to a corner and see a pile of boxes glowing.
Kid1:
There it is!
Kid 2:
Yes!
They run to the boxes, open them, and begin eating. A leprechaun enters, armed.
Ahem.
Oh shit.
Put down my Lucky Charms.
Lucky:
Kid 3:
Lucky:
Kid 1:
We’re sorry…We just..
We just thought it was a game!
Kid 3:
Lucky:
A game? Does this gun look like a feckin game?
No…
Kid 2:
Lucky:
No what?
No…sir?
Kid 2:
Lucky:
That’s right. Now here’s how this is going to play out laddie…. I’m keepin this girl…the rest
of you are going to do me a favor.
A favor?
Kid 1:
Lucky:
Yes a favor. Are you feckin deaf? A favor and in return I will return her…almost as good as
new.
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Kid 1:
Ok…
Lucky:
You’re going to kill that feckin Trix Rabbit.
The rabbit?
Yeah…the rabbit.
Kid 2:
Lucky:
Kid 3:
May I ask why…sir?
Lucky:
Let’s just say…he did something…unforgivable…and incurable.
Oh…
Kid 1:
Lucky:
Just go kill the feckin rabbit. Bring me his head… and some Philadelphia cream cheese.
Kid 2:
Wha…
JUST GO!
Lucky:
They exit minus the girl.
Lucky:
You know…my pot of gold isn’t the only thing that shoots rainbows…
He approaches her with the cruelest of intentions. Black Out.
3/17/2011 First Fight: With Out a Cake Knife.
On stage a woman is in a chair crying. Tissues surround her. She is curled into herself. The door opens and a
man hesitantly enters.
Brian?
…Yeah…
Emma:
Brian:
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Emma:
I thought…I thought you were gone…leaving.
I did.
But you’re back?
Of course I am.
Brian:
Emma:
Brian:
Emma:
I’m confused.
Brian:
Did you think I was leaving for good? Leaving you?
Emma:
Yes! You said “I’m leaving. I have to get out of here!”.
Brian:
Yeah to clear my head, blow off steam…we were having a fight.
Emma:
I know…I thought I made you that mad…that…that…
That what?
…that you stopped loving me.
Emma. You are an idiot.
Brian:
Emma:
Brian:
Emma:
Brian!
Brian:
Let me finish. You are an idiot if you ever think I would ever leave you. I love you.
I…
Emma:
Brian:
I’m not done. I love you. Emma, we’re going to fight…probably a lot. You’re pretty feisty
and I’m pretty stubborn…it’s how we work….and maybe next time you’ll storm out and
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spend the night at your mom’s or I’ll go get drunk with Matt. After all of that though we’re
going to end up right back here. Together. That’s why we took those vows…and why I put
that bling on your finger.
I love you.
I love you too.
Good.
Emma:
Brian:
Emma:
Brian:
Come here pretty lady.
He embraces her.
Brian?
Emma:
Brian:
Mmm?
Emma:
If you ever do leave me, know that I will stab you…probably with that cake knife your
grandma gave us.
Thanks for the heads up.
I figured it was fair.
Brian:
Emma:
Black Out.
3/18/2011 An Ode to Bill and Martin
On stage a man is watching a basketball game. He is pacing.
Overhead:
And mason brings the ball up with ten to go, Cam Long drives the middle aaaand Blocked
NO!
Man 1:
Overhead:
Rebound by Mike Morrison. He put’s it up and IT”S GOOD! IT”S GOOD!
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Man 1:
YES!
He leaps into the air several times before landing awkwardly on his knee. He has torn his ACL.
AHHH. My KNEE!
Man 1:
Another man rushes in.
What happened?
I was jumping…and my knee!
Man 2:
Man 1:
Man 2:
You hurt your knee in celebration?
YES! Help me up.
Man 1:
Man 2:
HAHAHA. You’re a fucking Grammatica brother.
Black Out.
3/19/2011 The Human Experience
A man and a woman pass each other on stage. They simply nod with slight smiles as they pass.
3/20/2011 Hipster?
A man is on stage wearing skinny jeans putting on a flannel shirt. His girlfriend enters wearing a similar
outfit.
Are those my jeans?
GF:
M:
No these are my skinny jeans you said you liked.
GF:
Oh. I don’t think it’s ok that I can confuse the two.
Black Out.
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3/21/2011 I’m bringing Miming back.
On stage is a woman in bed getting ready to go to sleep. Enter her husband hiding items behind his back.
Husband:
So honey I was thinking maybe we’d do a little…erm…role playing tonight. Ya know…spice
things up a bit.
Wife:
Hmm alright. What did you have in mind? Naughty nurse? Teacher and the school girl?
Cops and Robbers?
Man pulls out two berets and some white make up from behind his back.
Mimes.
Husband:
Wife:
Mimes? What…what is sexy about mimes?
Husband:
What isn’t sexy about mimes is more like it? Here. Watch.
He puts the white make up on quickly and the beret. He begins to mime stereotypically and then begins to
integrate certain “naughty” gestures.
Eh? Eh? Sexy Mime.
Husband:
Wife:
Sex with a mime?...Eh not the weirdest thing I’ve ever done in bed.
Awesome! Wait what?
Husband:
Black Out
3/22/2011. Fuck Face
On stage a man and a woman are having coffee.
Man:
Can you believe it’s been two years since we last saw each other?
Yeah I can fuck face.
Woman:
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Oh.
Man:
Black Out.
3/23/2011 Chocolate Thunder
On stage Mark and Tom are playing video games.
I think we should have nick names.
You have a nickname. Tom.
Tom isn’t a nickname.
Tom:
Mark:
Tom:
Mark:
Yes it is. It’s short for Thomas. Short for something is a nickname.
Tom:
I mean like Chocolate Thunder.
Chocolate Thunder?
Yeah.
Mark:
Tom:
Mark:
Well that can’t be for you cause your white as hell and it better not be for me cause then
that’s racist as hell.
Tom:
It was an idea. There are no bad ideas in brainstorming. How about Macho Man and the
Dynamite Kid?
Mark:
Man those were wrestlers when we were kids.
Tom:
Yeah but we’d give them a fresh take.
Mark:
I’m not stupid. I have not forgotten our bet.
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What bet?
Tom:
Mark:
Don’t play coy. Sophomore year. You bet me that you could get a girl to call you The Macho
Man on the regular.
You’re memory is ridiculous.
Like an elephant nigga.
Tom:
Mark:
Tom:
Ok so you can say nigga but calling you chocolate thunder is racist? That’s a double
standard.
Mark:
Damn right.
That’s not fair.
Neither was 400 years of slavery.
Well played. Roger and Dodger?
Tom:
Mark:
Tom:
Mark:
Roger is a real name.
Tom:
No. Like Roger That. STOP RAINING ON MY PARADE! You always are trying to keep
me down.
I’m sorry.
Don’t….just don’t.
Mark:
Tom:
Mark:
Come one…Tom…Tom…Chocolate Thunder?
Tom:
Yes.
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Mark:
Do you accept my apology…Chocolate Thunder?
Only if I can call you White Lightning.
…Fine…
Tom:
Mark:
Tom:
YES! Chocolate Thunder and White Lightning in the HIZZZOUSE!
Mark stares at him.
Right. Scaling it down.
Tom:
Black Out.
3/24/2011 Modern Warfare
Felix finish your peas.
On stage a mother and son are finishing dinner.
Mom:
Felix:
No.
Felix.
Peas are gross.
Mom:
Felix:
Mom:
There are starving children in Africa that would kill for those peas.
Felix:
Well I know the combination to unlock dad’s glock and I’m pretty sure all they got are
spears so you tell those Africans they can bring it.
Black out.
3/25/2011 Textologue
A man comes out on stage typing on his cell phone. He is texting. He sends and receives texts several times
over the course of about 5 minutes going through the full range of emotions.
Black Out.
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3/26/2011 Bring your Death to school day
On stage is a class room. Several adults are sitting in chairs in front while the kids and teach observe. It is
bring your dad to school day.
Ok next up is Timmy’s Dad.
Mrs. R:
Man in a grim reaper outfit stands up.
Death:
Hi kids. Well you may not know this but I’ve seen many of you before. You see all of you
have grandparents and elderly folks in your life…or had them. My job is to take them when
they get too old or too sick. Cool right. I just walk up behind them and touch them like this.
Death touches the teacher and she subsequently dies.
Death:
See just like that. Your teach is a good actor. Oh and I get this awesome scythe. So cool.
Mrs. Raggold you can get up now.
He pokes her with his scythe but she doesn’t move.
Timmy we have to go.
Not again…
Death:
Timmy:
Death and son exit hurriedly.
Black Out.
3/27/2011 Alfonso Ribiero means you’re old.
Man sits down in a chair in front of a TV. He turns it on and begins channel surfing. He stops abruptly
when he sees what is on TV Land.
Man:
Fresh Prince is on TV Land? After The Munsters? When the fuck did I get old? Honey?
Honey?!?
What dear?
Am I old?
Wife Offstage:
Man:
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Wife Offstage:
Wanna have sex?
Man:
Eh… I just ate…and I have a big meeting tomorrow…
You’re old.
Wife Off Stage:
Man:
…dammit…
Black out.
3/28/2011 Goodbye Old Friend
There is a metal table. Lying on it is Phoenix, a 14 year old German Shepherd mix. She is dying. Arms
distance away a mother and daughter are consoling each other. For the purpose of this play the dog should be
mimed.
Vet enters.
No he’s not here yet.
Mother:
Ok. Let me know when. I’ll be in my office.
Vet:
Vet exits.
She really is his dog.
Daughter:
Mother:
Yeah.
Son enters. He is out of breathe and has come a long way. Mother moves to him and embraces him.
How was the drive?
Not bad. How is she?
They have her on painkillers right now.
Mother:
Son:
Mother:
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Son:
Gotcha.
He moves to the table.
Mother:
Kel, why don’t we go outside and let your brother say goodbye.
Son:
Thanks, Ma.
Mother and Daughter exit.
Son:
Hey. This sucks. I really…I don’t know. I guess…I guess I never thought you’d die. I know
that’s stupid but…fucking tumor. I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I know they don’t walk
you. Kelly doesn’t even really like you. I hope she’s been nice though. I know that Ma took
care of you but ya know…she works a lot. I remember when I first saw you. You were out
running around in the puppy part of the shelter. You were the only puppy that came over to
play with me. Then we put our name in to get you. Ma told me the shelter had called the day
before saying that we got you. I could barely sit still the whole day at school. Mrs. James
pulled my behavior card twice for talking when I shouldn’t have. I was practically bouncing
on the bus ride home.
Transition to the School Bus. 2nd Grade. Son and Zach sit next to each other.
Son:
Oh man Zach! I can’t wait. This dog is so cool!
What kind is it?
Zach:
Son:
I dunno. My mom told me. It’s brown and black and fluffy and half her tongue is purple.
Oh cool. What are you going to call him?
It’s a her.
Oh. What are you going to call her?
Zach:
Son:
Zach:
Son:
I dunno. My sister wants to call her Clarissa. You know after that show Clarissa Explains It
All.
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Zach:
Oh. That’s stupid.
Son:
That’s what I said. I want to name her Phoenix. After the X-Men.
Oh cool.
Zach:
Son:
Yeah ya know when Jean Grey gets all those extra powers with fire and stuff.
Zach:
Yeah. What if your dog was a super hero? Like the X-Men?
Son:
That’d be so cool. [looks out window] There she is Zach! There she is! With my mom!
Back to the exam room.
Son:
Thank God we didn’t name you Clarissa. “Here Clarissa!”. So awful. Do you remember how
you used to try and herd me and Kelly when we’d run around by nipping our heels?
Transition to floor of living room. Son sits with nipped heel. Phoenix comes up to him trying to make sure he
is ok.
Son:
That really hurt Phoenix. Bad! Now sit. You can’t do that. That’s bad. Don’t look sad. I still
love you. Yes I do. Let’s make a deal. You can nip Kelly all you want but not me. OK?
Cause she’s stupid. But don’t tell mom I said that cause I’m not supposed to use that word.
Shake on it? Shake? Good girl.
Transition back to exam room
Son:
It’s funny. A lot of people don’t give dogs much credit, but I mean you know when I was
upset or sick. I mean when I was sick all of 3rd grade, I’d have gone to school, thrown up a
bunch, mom would pick me up, and then I’d spend the rest of the day laying on the couch
with you right there next to me. You some how always made it a little better, no matter how
bad it got.
Transition to couch. Son gets under a blanket. Phoenix lies on the floor beneath him. He is upset.
Son:
It’s just not fair. I mean why do I have to be sick? I don’t even eat candy anymore and Kelly
was making fun of me when she was eating those M&M’s and all Mom said was stop. She
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didn’t get in trouble or nothin. It’s not fair. I don’t feel good. I don’t want to eat Jello and
crackers and flat soda anymore. I was just standing there outside Ms. Walker’s classroom
with Matthew like we were supposed to waiting for her to let us in and we were talking
about Raw last night when Stone Cold Steve Austin attacked Bret Hart and then I tried to
Stone Cold Stun Matthew but he blocked it and gave me the atomic drop and then Christina
Ruff said we were Weird Wrestling Wimps. She used to be nice. I mean she’s really cute but
she is always saying whatever loser and stuff. She didn’t do that stuff before Christmas when
we played Santa and Mrs. Claus. But then I got really hot and sweaty and stuff and then I
just ran to the bathroom and threw up. And when I got back to the classroom Ms. Walker
was there. So I told her what happened. Then Christina Meeks called me throw up boy.
LeRoy McNeal told her to shut up though. I like LeRoy. But then Nick Pantelides called me
Barfus. So did Lindsay Duggan. I tried not to get upset but I think I turned red cause I was
embarrassed. I’m not a Barfus! I’m not. I’m just sick and I…I cant help it and I hate it!
Good girl. At least I get to hang out with you now. I love you Phoenix. Good girl.
Transition back to exam room.
Son:
Kids are cruel. Remember when you dragged Kelly for almost a whole block when she tried
to walk you? That was funny. That’s probably why she didn’t walk you though once I left for
school. You were always good when I walked you though. You pooped everywhere though,
that got old. Even if I let you out before we went. Almost got us in trouble or rather me in
trouble too.
Transition to Walnut Drive. Son is walking Phoenix.
Son:
Stay with me now. Heel. Sit. No ones coming and Ok let’s go. No Phoenix. C’mon. You
can’t poop here. I let you out before we left. You can poop at the bus stop but we need to
get past the Immaculate house. The lady is outside. Ok? So let’s just keep walking.
As the pair pass the house with the Lady outside Phoenix stops to poop. Son tries to drag her along but is
unsuccessful.
You should really have it trained better.
I’m sorry.
Lady:
Son:
Lady:
Most people have a pooper scooper with them when they walk their dogs.
Son:
Oh…
Lady:
Well, are you going to clean it up? It’s in my driveway.
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I…Um…
Son:
Son takes off with Phoenix leaving the lady in their dust. Transition back to exam room.
Son:
Thank god she didn’t know my name. We would’ve been in trouble. Oh I didn’t tell you I
got cast in another show. Yeah I’m the lead in this one. I wish I could’ve brought you down
to school to visit. You’d have really liked it. My roommate has dog. He would have annoyed
you though he’s still really a puppy. Ya know you were my first audience. In 6th grade, that
song I wrote for Rachel Schnaitman?
Transition to the 6th grade. Son’s room. He sings.
Son:
“Cause I see Rainbows, when I think of you, I see Rainbows, I know it’s true. I see Rainbows. Cause I love
you.”
I think maybe I should sing it higher. Gregg liked it though and he’s older and his girlfriend
used tongue. I don’t want to tell Matt though cause I don’t think he’ll get it. He’s never had a
girlfriend and the girl he likes is Sarah Lihvarcik and well she’s kind of scary. In the 2nd grade
she beat Zach Costello up and dragged him around during recess. I really hope Rachel likes
it. She liked the poems I gave her. At least that’s what Amber Chamberlain said. I hope
Amber’s still not mad at me. I told you how she told Krystal Walker that I’d go out with her
and then told Jacquelyn Bryant the same thing so she made me pick and so I picked Krystal
but then that fat girl Tasha started saying stuff about jungle fever and I don’t really know
what that is but I had to break up with Krystal at recess, and I mean especially since I’m in
love with Rachel.Girls are so complicated. Except for you. You’ll love me no matter what
right? Oh ha ha kisses work too.
Transition back to exam room.
Son:
Funny how I went from writing songs with awful cheesy boy band lyrics to thinking I was
Eminem and referring to myself as an inside out Oreo.
Transition to living room. MTV’s TRL is on playing Nelly’s ‘Ride With Me’ Video. Son is rapping along.
Son:
“If you wanna go and take a ride wit me
We three-wheelin in the fo' with the gold D's
Oh why do I live this way? (Hey, must be the money!)
If you wanna go and get high wit me
Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)”
Phoenix begins to bark as the song keeps playing. Overlapping is girl on TRL.
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Son:
Phoenix shut up. Shut up. Do you wanna go out? No? Then lay down.
Girl on TRL:
Oh my god I love Nelly. I wanna say what’s up to all my peeps in Garfield. Hey!
She then screams as only teenage girls can in excitement.
Son:
Fine. Do you want a treat? At least that’ll shut you up. Here. If you get sick I’ma be pissed
though. I only got like 20 more minutes until Mom gets home with Kelly from cheerleading
and I’m tryin to learn these lyrics so Jenna Freeman will go out with me. Aaron’s pimp
lessons didn’t work. I got the walk down. See? And I even used the pick up line I made up,
“Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you!”. But she said she has
to think about it. This will win her over though.
Transition back to exam room.
Son:
I was an ass clown. I don’t know if you ever judged me but right around then I think I’d be
ok with you judging me… a lot. You are kind of racist though. None of my black friends
could move around the house with out you barking at them. Except for Moe. I think it
might be because the first time he came over he said “uh uh dog I will woop that ass”. I
dunno. CJ would always ask where I hid your white hood. You’d take treats from them
though that was the funny thing. You’d take the treats and then 5 minutes later come back to
them and bark at them some more. I must’ve tried everything to get you to calm down.
Remember when I gave you a whole pill of your anxiety medicine? I didn’t know Ma only
gave you half. You looked drunk. I don’t know if you enjoyed that though. That medicine
never really did it’s job did it? You still freaked out during thunderstorms. I’d have to sit
there on the floor and hold you while you were shaking like crazy. Then you’d do a lap
around the house and try and wedge yourself under mom and dad’s bed and of course get
stuck. I never wanted to go out when it was rainy cause I didn’t want to leave you to freak
out on your own. I can’t even imagine. I think that was part of why I didn’t want to leave for
school. I didn’t mind leaving mom and dad and kel. Hell I kind of wanted to leave them.
Transition to front door. Mom is standing there as Son hands her the last bag to throw into the car.
Is that the last bag?
Mom:
Son:
Yep. I did a second check around my room and the bathroom. I think that’s it.
Mom:
Alright then, well your father wants to get a move on so we should get moving.
Son:
Ok. I’m just going to say goodbye to Phoenix then I’ll be out.
Ok.
Mom:
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Mom exits.
Son:
Hey. I gotta go now. I don’t want to leave you. Don’t tell Kelly but I think I’m going to miss
you the most. They better walk you. I’m going to call to make sure they do. Just don’t drag
Kelly this time if she does somehow get off her lazy ass to walk you, ok? Good. It’s a deal.
Man I’m going to miss you. Oh kisses? Ok ok ok yes I love you too. Now I want you to be a
good girl ok? I’ll be back all the time. I promise. Ok I’m gonna go now. Bye. Be a good girl.
Transition back to exam room.
Son:
And I did come back a lot that first semester. I guess I could’ve been home more after that
though. I had a pretty good excuse after that first summer though. You remember. You were
the first person I told.
Transition to Mom’s house now. Dinner.
Emily:
Thank you for having me for dinner Mrs. Kreischer.
Oh you’re welcome.
Mom:
Son:
Did you eat anything Kelly?
Yes I did. I ate the chicken and the salad.
She did I was watching.
Kelly:
Mom:
Son:
Lettuce with heaps of ranch dressing doesn’t count as ‘salad’.
Where’s the bathroom babe?
Emily:
Son:
Upstairs and straight ahead.
Emily exits.
Well she seems like a very nice girl.
Mom:
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Son:
Thanks. I think so too.
Kelly:
Mother I’m going over to Aryanna’s house ok?
Ok. Just be back by twelve.
Yes mother.
Mother:
Kelly:
Kelly exits.
Son:
It’s weird that she calls you ‘mother’.
Mom:
Hey anything along the lines of mom is ok with me.
Son:
The minute she calls you Catherine I’m punching her in the face.
Hey!
Mom:
Son:
I’m just sayin…be ready.
Mom:
You’re too much. Really though Emily seems very nice.
Yeah.
Son:
Mom exits as Emily returns unbeknownst to Son.
Son:
Good girl. You wanna know a secret? I’m in love with Emily. If you could I’m sure you’d
roll your eyes. I guess I’ve told you that before. This time is different though. I’m just
so…happy. I’m not all tormented over if she feels the same way. I just want to be with her
all the time…even when she’s annoying. I’d rather be with her annoying than with out her.
It’s all a bit overwhelming. I’ve never felt like this before. I’m going to tell her that I’m madly
in love with her. That she is all I want, ever. She’s the person I want to kiss good night every
night and wake up to every morning. Every time she looks at me, kisses me, touches me, I
fall in love with her a little bit more. But hey don’t worry. You’re still the only woman I’ll
ever need. You’ll never leave me. Yes good girl. I wish I could bring you with me. Alright
well I need you to be nice to Emily ok? OK? Good it’s a deal. You’ll be nice to her and I’ll
try to find a way to say everything I just said to you to her with out throwing up.
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Transition back to exam room.
Son:
I didn’t throw up I’ll have you know. Though Emily swears I was paler than she’s ever seen
me, which, well lets face it, is quite a feat. Ya know she said that you’re the only girl she’s
ever been jealous of? Isn’t that funny? I don’t know what I’m going to do with out you
Phoenix. I can barely remember a time when you weren’t there. Kelly already wants another
dog but I don’t want another dog. I want you. Can you just get better now please? I promise
I’ll come home more. I’ll make sure they walk you. I’ll give you as many treats as you want.
Please. You are my best friend. You loved me unconditionally. It didn’t matter if I was
throwing up everyday or thought I was P Diddy. You didn’t care. You still wanted belly rubs
and to race around the house. You…you are my best friend. My best friend. I want you to
know that . I love you Phoenix. And I promise when I get up there I’ll be sure to bring those
t-bone treats. Ok? I love you baby girl.
Kisses her on the head.
Goodbye Phoenix.
Son:
Transition back to reality. Son is standing on a side walk with his cell phone.
Son:
No mom, I understand. Yeah, I don’t want her to be in pain either. Can you just tell her that
I love her and that I’m going to miss her. Thanks, Mom. I just wish I got to say goodbye.
Black Out.
3/29/2011 Never Listen To The Village Idiot
Man walks on stage in full medieval knight armor. He is coming out of a dressing room.
Knight:
Ya know…I’m not sure this is what she meant by role playing.
Idiot:
Nah man. This is exactly it. You look awesome. Go slay her dragon.
Knight pulls out a huge sword.
Knight:
Alright…if you say so…
As lights fade to black we hear a sword unsheathed, then a woman’s scream, followed by:
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OH MY GOD! I’M SO SORRY.
Knight:
Black out.
3/30/2011 Finite
The stage is complete darkness. We can faintly see two bodies crumpled on the ground.
Woman:
John…John…
John:
I’m…I’m here.
Woman:
Good…Good.
We hear a door open and for a moment a bit of light hits the stage and outlines a new figure. This moment
ends as we hear it slam shut.
Black Out.
3/31/2011 The Journey
A man and his servant stumble on stage. They are equipped for a long journey.
Are we near master?
Servant:
Master:
We are both closer and farther than we have ever been before. We must march on.
They exit. Black Out.
4/1/2011 No Fools on Krypton
Sitting at a table eating ice cream is Clark Kent aka Superman. After a moment Lex Luthor sits down at
the table.
Luthor:
Hello…Superman.
Luthor.
Superman:
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What a lovely spring day, don’t you think?
What do you want Luthor?
Luthor:
Superman:
Luthor:
A woman who get’s me, I mean truly gets me…and a solid gold replica of Shemp’s hair that
I could wear when I feel fancy…but mostly you to be dead.
Superman:
We’ve been through this a million times. What’s it this time? A nuclear bomb set to go off in
a minute? A giant “indestructible” robot? A laser that will destroy the moon?
Luthor:
Nope. I just switched the M&M’s in your ice cream to slow releasing kryptonite
tablets…that will kill you in the next hour.
What?
Superman:
Luthor:
Yep. And there is absolutely no way to save yourself since you’ve already digested a lethal
dose.
Superman:
I…
That is…unless I gave you the antidote.
And what do you want in return?
Luthor:
Superman:
Luthor:
A signed contract that you will never, ever meddle in my affairs again…and the Fortress of
Solitude.
Never.
Superman:
Luthor:
Ok…well what would you like me to tell that lovely girl of yours…Lois is it? What would
you like me to tell her when I’m comforting her after your death?
Superman:
You bastard.
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Luthor:
Nope. My parents were definitely married when I was conceived. You really have got to get a
handle on the English language. I mean you’ve been on Earth for what? 30 years? Tsk Tsk.
Superman:
I…I…
Superman begins to break down.
Well my job is done.
Luthor:
Luthor begins to exit but stops suddenly and turns back to Superman.
Luthor:
Oh Supes, one more thing.
Superman:
What?
Luthor:
April Fools.
Superman:
What?
Luthor:
Gotcha.
Superman stands up, walks over to Luthor, and then punches him in the face before exiting.
Luthor:
Hey! I didn’t actually hurt you! Stupid alien…doesn’t even understand April Fools Day.
Black Out.
4/2/2011 Coming Home
A man is pacing outside of a house. He has a knapsack over his shoulder. He looks beaten down by the
world. Where there once was a spark behind his eyes there is only ash. He wants to knock on the door, he
needs to, but the force of so much time away holds him back. Finally he knocks. The door opens. An older
man is standing there.
It’s been a long time.
Father:
Son:
Yeah…
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Why don’t you come in?
Father:
Son:
Ok…
Do you still like turkey and peanut butter?
Father:
Son:
Of course.
Black Out.
4/3/2011 Child’s Play
On stage a young girl is trying to fall asleep. She tosses and turns. Then very suddenly her closet door flies
open and the Boogey Man comes out.
OOOOOGEY BOOGEY.
BM:
The young girl gets up from her bed and marches over to the closet.
Cut it out Frank.
G:
She slams the door shut and then gets back into bed.
Black Out.
4/4/2011 Watamba
A woman is on stage in bed. She has just given birth and is holding her newborn son in her arms. Her
husband enters.
Hey Beautiful.
Isn’t he amazing?
H:
W:
H:
Him? How about you champ? That was pretty epic. I mean at one point I was pretty sure
your head was going to explode.
W:
It was all worth it.
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H:
You say that now, but like 3 hours ago you were cursing this child’s existence.
I don’t remember that.
W:
H:
I do. Anyway…so Mike reminded me that Tom Cruise is super crazy.
W:
How’s that?
H:
Apparently he ate the placenta after his kid was born.
Some cultures do that.
…absolutely not.
They do. It’s a fact.
W:
H:
W:
H:
Are these the same cultures that are untouched by technology?
I mean maybe…I’m not sure.
W:
H:
Well it may be OK if it’s them. They all have pretty epic names that make up for it, like
Watamba.
Watamba?
W:
H:
Yeah. How strong is that name? I mean can’t you just see a strong man with a staff when
you say Watamba? We should name our son Watamba. Look at him. He’s got a strong
jaw…definitely Watamba material.
Absolutely not.
Hey. I thought we were a team.
W:
H:
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W:
Fine. I’ll make a deal with you.
Ok. I’m up for anything.
H:
W:
You go eat my placenta and you can name the kid Watamba.
….Sean’s a strong Irish name ya know?
H:
Black Out.
4/5/2011 Chances of Winning Before You’re Dead.
On stage a man is watching the daily lottery. He has played the same numbers for over 60 years.
On TV:
And today’s Lotto Numbers for the 318 Million Dollar Jackpot are…6,13,24,9,…and….12.
You’re kidding me? I won? I won. I won!
Man:
The door flies open. Death is at the door.
Man:
Yeah…that’s about right. Hold on I gotta pee.
Black Out.
4/6/2011 The Weight of the World
Master and Servant reenter the stage. This time Servant is carrying Master piggyback style.
We must trudge on.
Yes sir.
We must move forward.
Master:
Servant:
Master:
They continue onward.
Black Out.
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4/7/2011 You say potato, I say Picasso.
On stage a woman is bent over looking between her legs. Two people pass by.
1:
What is that?
2:
Art.
1:
Hmm.
Black Out.
4/8/2011 Snooki can’ t save you now.
On stage are two men standing at a bar. Music is blaring overhead.
Hey man, where are you from?
New Jersey.
Oh Sweet. Do you fist pump?
2:
1:
2:
1 punches 2.
Kind of.
1:
Black Out.
4/9/2011 The oath we all take, we all break.
A man is leaning over a toilet.
I’m never drinking again.
Man:
A waitress comes by and brings him a beer. He drinks.
Black Out.
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4/10/2011 The Writer: Part One
The writer comes on stage and throws down his pen.
The Writer:
Ugh
Black Out.
4/11/2011 Don’t attempt unless a trained theater major
On stage two young men are seating with books and a globe scattered around them.
1:
Alright so Professor Davis said we need to locate a region that has a need for a theater
company first, and then go from there.
Alright well how about Chicago?
2:
1:
They’re pretty set with Steppenwolf, The Goodman, and Looking Glass.
2:
Right. How about Wyoming? There isn’t much there but that has to mean there isn’t many
theaters right?
Yeah OK. Might as well pick space.
1:
The two look at each other.
2:
No.
We couldn’t.
We’d probably fail. Chuckles to himself
1:
2:
The two look at each other again. They turn in unison towards the audience as presentation materials are
placed around them. Trifold poster board and the like all depict space and the international space station.
1:
Ladies and Gentlemen…we present to you…Theater…
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2:
…In….
Space...ace…ace…ace (reverb sounding)
Both:
Applause is heard.
Thank you. Any questions?
2:
Man enters. Clearly a Professor.
Professor:
This took balls. I mean real grapefruit sized balls to put a third of your grade on the line for
theater in space.
Thank you sir.
1:
Professor:
You realize only a fucking theater major would risk that for personal amusement right? I
should have been a physics professor…but oh no I had to embellish my stupid god damn
right brain….
Professor exits. The two turn to each other.
Theater in Space…ace…ace…ace…
Both:
Black Out.
4/12/2011 Mr. Trump Goes To Washington
On stage is a podium with reporters surrounding it. Enter a campaign rep and Donald Trump.
Rep:
Mr. Donald Trump has officially declared his candidacy for President of the United States.
He will now take your questions.
1:
Mr. Trump how would you handle the crisis in Libya?
Mr. Gadalphi? You’re fired.
Trump:
Philip Dallmann145
2:
How would you deal with the problems with the teachers unions?
Unions? You’re fired.
Trump:
What about the government shutting down?
3:
Trump:
I got my tax return. They’re fired.
3:
Wait. You’re a billionaire. How did you get money back?
Silence.
Rep:
Next.
1:
You do realize that it’s a recession right? People actually are getting fired.
What’s your name?
Tom.
Trump:
1:
Trump:
Tom? You’re fired.
Black Out.
4/13/2011 Budget Cuts
A kid is on stage sitting at a desk. He/She is diligently doing his work. Two men in suits enter. They grab
the desk and take it off. The student then tries to complete the work writing on the chair. They take the
chair. The student then begins working on the floor. They take the paper. The student then starts to write on
their hand. They take the pen. They stop before their final exit and turn to the student.
Man 1:
Sorry. Budget cuts.
The student is left alone on stage for a moment. Black Out.
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4/14/2011 The Scottish Stanky Hand
On stage is Macbeth’s castle. Standing and waiting are the Gentlewoman and the Doctor.
Gentlewoman:
Lo you, here she comes! This is her very guise;
and, upon my life, fast asleep. Observe her; stand close.
Enter Lady M.
How came she by that light?
Doctor:
Gentlewoman:
Why, it stood by her. She has light by her continually; ’tis her command.
Doctor:
You see, her eyes are open.
Ay, but their sense are shut.
Gentlewoman:
Doctor:
What is it she does now? Look, how she rubs her hands.
Gentlewoman:
It is an accustom’d action with her, to seem thus
washing her hands. I have known her continue
in this a quarter of an hour.
Enter Jimmy the Janitor
Yet here’s a spot.
Hey what are you guy’s looking at?
Lady M.:
Jimmy:
Doctor:
Hark! She speaks. I will set down what comes from her, to satisfy my remembrance the
more strongly.
Jimmy:
See Doc if you had started doin that Sudoku like I told you your memory would still be
sharp as a whistle.
Out, damned spot! out, I say!
Lady M:
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Jimmy:
Spot? Did she say spot? I know there ain’t no spot. My floors are pristine.
Lady M:
One: two: why, then ’tis time to do ’t.—Hell is murky!—
Murky? Oh hell no. Listen Lady…
Jimmy:
Lady M:
Fie, my lord, fie! a soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call
our power to account?—Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much
blood in him?
Jimmy:
Somebody’s bleeding? Now see that’s the problem with you people, always stabbin folks,
gettin blood everywhere makin a mess. What’s so wrong with just hangin a fool? Easy clean
up.
Lady M:
The thane of Fife had a wife; where is she now?—What, will these hands ne’er be clean?
Jimmy:
Who? I got something that will get that off. Let me see.
Jimmy stares at her hand and then at her.
Jimmy:
Gotcha. Well seems like you’ve gone bat shit crazy so I’m just gonna…
Lady M:
No more o’ that, my lord, no more o’ that; you mar all with this starting.
Doctor:
Go to, go to; you have known what you should not.
Gentlewoman:
She has spoke what she should not, I am sure of that; Heaven knows what she has known.
Jimmy:
Wait. Is this going to get me killed? I didn’t hear nothin. Nope. Lady who? No clue who
you’re talking about. All I’ve seen is some remarkably clean floors.
Lady M:
Here’s the smell of the blood still; all the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand.
Oh, oh, oh!
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Jimmy:
She’s either crazier than I originally thought or she just has a case of the stanky hand.
Doctor:
What a sigh is there! The heart is sorely charg’d.
Gentlewoman:
I would not have such a heart in my bosom for the dignity of the whole body.
Well, well, well,—
Doctor:
Gentlewoman:
Pray God it be, sir.
Doctor:
This disease is beyond my practice; yet I have known those which have walk’d in their sleep
who have died holily in their beds.
Lady M:
Wash your hands, put on your nightgown; look not so pale.—I tell you yet again, Banquo’s
buried; he cannot come out on ’s grave.
Jimmy:
Banquo’s coming out his grave? Fuck this shit. Ya’ll got zombies? That’s some shit you tell
somebody when you hire them as the groundskeeper. I’dve brought a sword or somethin if I
thought some zombies would just show up outta nowhere.
Doctor:
Even so?
Lady M:
To bed, to bed! there’s knocking at the gate. Come, come, come, come, give me your hand.
What’s done cannot be undone.—To bed, to bed, to bed!
Lady M exits.
You heard the lady. Let’s go.
Jimmy:
Doctor:
Will she go now to bed?
Directly.
Gentlewoman:
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Doctor:
Foul whisp’rings are abroad; unnatural deeds
Do breed unnatural troubles; infected minds
To their deaf pillows will discharge their secrets.
More needs she the divine than the physician.
God, God, forgive us all!
Jimmy:
Good lord you people talk a lot. A woman was just here wandering the castle, seeing blood
no one else sees, smelling her stanky hand, and talking about zombies. That does not equal
let’s talk another 5 minutes. That equals time to get the fuck out of here.
Look after her;
Doctor:
Jimmy:
You look after her. I’m keeping a look out for zombies.
Doctor:
Remove from her the means of all annoyance,
And still keep eyes upon her. So, good-night!
My mind she has mated, and amaz’d my sight.
I think, but dare not speak.
Good-night, good doctor.
Gentlewoman:
Jimmy:
I don’t know about you but I’m gonna go ahead and look for a new job. I wonder if
Macduff’s camp needs a groundskeeper. He seems like a guy that will tell you if there’s some
zombies running around.
Black Out.
4/15/2011 A Penny Saved Is A Penny Bedazzled
On stage two men are walking towards the door to a Burger King, when suddenly Donald stops.
Donald:
Ooh a penny.
Seriously?
What? It’s money.
Tom:
Donald:
Philip Dallmann150
Tom:
Who picks up pennies past the age of ten?
Donald:
I do. It’s money and it’s heads up so it’s lucky.
The two men enter Burger King and get in line.
Tom:
Donald. You’re a lawyer. You drive a BMW. You don’t need a penny. No one picks up
pennies anymore.
Donald:
Maybe that’s the problem with the world. Blatant disregard for money.
Tom:
I’m surprised they even still make them. I think I read that it costs more to make a penny
than it’s actually worth.
Donald:
Listen when all the banks crash and all the money people think they have they can’t get I will
be in my house with my penny jar laughing.
Tom:
You have a penny jar? What do you collect them now?
Donald:
Some of us collect pennies, some of us collect bedazzled cell phone covers.
What? How? I…
Tom:
Donald:
Katrina.
My daughter?
Tom:
Donald:
Yeah…it’s really funny how kids like to make songs about what they see.
Tom:
Well…at least my weird collection is worth something. Yeah I’ll take the double stack, just
the sandwich.
$4.01 please.
Cashier 1:
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Tom:
I only have a five. Do you have a…
A what?
Donald:
Tom:
A….A….a penny…
Donald:
NOPE. Why don’t you try and pay using one of your super weird bedazzled cell phone
covers. OH WAIT they aren’t legal tender. Enjoy your 99cents in change bitch.
Tom:
Ugh.
Cashier 2:
Can I help you?
Donald:
Yes one medium drink…wait no make that a large, a large Orange Soda. My victory juice.
Victory Juice? Seriously?
Tom:
Donald:
Yeah. After I’m done maybe you can bedazzle my victory cup.
Donald takes a giant slurp as Cashier 1 finishes counting out the 99cents in change and gives it to Tom.
Black Out.
4/16/2011 Don Cheadle isn’t a Ladies Man.
A couple is out to dinner. It’s the first date.
Girl:
So any siblings?
2 older sisters and a younger brother. You?
Just the one older brother.
Very cool. Umm. Favorite movie?
Man:
Girl:
Man:
Philip Dallmann152
Girl:
Oh. I love The Ladies Man, with Don Cheadle.
Very cool…wait what?
Man:
Girl:
The Ladies Man. I love Don Cheadle. He was so good on SNL and Hotel Rwanda.
Man:
No that was Tim Meadows. You’re thinking of Tim Meadows. Don Cheadle was in Hotel
Rwanda but not in The Ladies Man.
Girl:
No I’m pretty sure we’re talking about the same person. Tim Meadows.
Man:
You think Tim Meadows and Don Cheadle are the same person?
She gives him an acknowledging look.
And we’re done.
Man:
He gets up and leaves.
Black Out.
4/17/2011 Palm Sunday
On stage are Jesus and ten of his disciples.
Mark:
Man what is taking them so long?
Philip:
That’s what you get when you send Luke AND John out on a task.
Judas:
Whispering. Probably looking for their own personal Mary Magdalenes.
Judas. I hear everything.
Jesus:
Judas:
Forgot Master. Sorry.
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Here they come.
Are they bringing....
What is that?
Jesus:
Mark:
Matthew:
Philip:
I think that’s a…
Is that a fucking donkey?
Judas:
Jesus:
Now I’m sure there is a good explanation for this.
Enter Luke and John with a donkey.
Hey Guys.
Luke:
Jesus:
Luke. What happened to the horse you were supposed to get?
Luke:
Oh right. Well no one really wanted to give up a horse. Kind of stingy folks there in
Jerusalem, but some old guy gave us this so ya know…we thought good enough right?
Mark:
No a camel would be good enough idiot. How is the son of god supposed to ride in on a
freakin donkey?
Luke:
Well I imagine he’d get on top of it…and then it just kind of goes.
Mark:
You are an idiot.
Jesus:
It doesn’t matter. What’s done is done. Now did you hand out all the flowers I asked you to?
John:
Oh. Right. You see what had happened was…there weren’t like a ton of flowers…sooo…
Luke:
They have a ton of palms so we figured…ya know…good enough?
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Jesus:
You gave them palms…to throw…when I, the son of god, make my triumphant entrance to
the city, for the holiest of Sundays, on a donkey?
John:
Yeah… pretty much.
Jesus slaps both of them.
Jesus:
Seriously dad? This is what you give me to work with?
Judas:
Instead of holy Sunday they should call it palm Sunday.
Silence.
Judas:
Cause they handed out palms…and then Jesus hit them with his palm…
Jesus:
We got it Judas.
Judas:
Geez who do you have to crucify to get a laugh around here?
Black Out.
4/18/2011 The Road Less Traveled
On stage are the Master and the Servant. The Master is seated as the Servant returns from doing a bit of
recon.
We cannot pass through.
Servant:
Master:
I know. I knew we wouldn’t.
You knew?
Servant:
Master:
Yes. Interesting paths are created by roadblocks. We move on. Come now.
They Exit.
Philip Dallmann155
Black Out.
4/19/2011 The Writer Part Two: Return of Suzan Lori Parks
On stage the writer is flipping through the pages of his plays and then counting.
The Writer:
Only …365…minus…90…equals…275. son of a bitch. 275 more plays.
Enter Suzan Lori Parks.
What you thought this shit was easy?
…No…
SLP:
The Writer:
SLP:
Why you think like 20 of mine were just observations?
The Writer:
Yeah…but you have a Pulitzer Prize, so you get a pass on a couple of those.
You’re right. So what’ve you got?
What do you mean?
SLP:
The Writer:
SLP:
I mean writing a play about a conversation with me about the 365 plays is kind of a cop out
isn’t it?
The Writer:
…No…
SLP:
I don’t know…seems like a cop out to me…
The Writer (to himself):
At least I didn’t write about the fucking view from an airplane.
SLP:
Boy…if I had my Pulitzer prize with me I’d smack you upside the head with it. I still gotta
get that back from Paula Vogel. You gotta watch out for her. She steals stuff.
Sorry Ms. Suzan Lori Parks.
The Writer:
Philip Dallmann156
SLP:
You better be sorry. Now go write something relevant. You got ten more to go before
you’ve really made any kind of accomplishment.
Black Out.
4/20/2011 When Just Weed Is Really Just Weed.
On stage 2 young college age guys are seated on a couch. 1 begins rolling a blunt.
1:
Wanna smoke?
2:
Umm…
Host:
If you say no heeeeeeeeres how your life turns out.
A beautiful wife and two kids come out and hug 2.
Host:
If you say yes heeeeeeeeeeeeres how your life turns out.
The exact same thing happens.
2:
Meh I’m good. Pass me a beer?
Black Out.
4/21/2011 Remorse Gives Me Gas
In a dimly lit interrogation room an officer interrogates Mr. White.
Mr. White:
I solemly swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me god.
Officer:
Mr. White, would you please recount for us the events that took place on the night of august
8th?
Mr. White:
Ok. But you’re not going to like it. It was a brisk august day. Lots of wind. That’s very
important. The wind. You see as you know I am a criminal. I like to do criminal things. All
Philip Dallmann157
in good fun of course. Nothing serious. Murder Robbery…ya know the usuals. Any who I
was robbing the bank on 86th that day. Small job. Only had a crew of about 15? Maybe. Plus
my assistant of course. So we do the usual “ Everybody down and no one gets hurt” yadda
yadda yadda. Everyone hits the ground. One hot shot rent a cop decides to play hero…so
we shot him and well you found him…I hardly think I need to describe it…though it was
some of my best work…but I digress. So we’re taking the money, women and babies are
crying, just really some picturesque stuff. Then we hear the sirens. Ya know you guys never
expect us to expect you to come. After the first couple times we sort of catch on. Which is
why we blew up that house next door. Really shifted your attention didn’t it… shame you
weren’t able to save anyone. Ah remorse…gives me gas. So ya know bing bam boom bah
fireworks etc. We run out to our car. You guys start shootings…you killed Mikey. Ya know
Mikey had a kid. Yeah. Think about that. It’s always what a shame that cop had a family or
aww he blew up that orphanage… never wonder about the bad guy that was thrown off the
bridge he was going to blow up. Tsk tsk tsk. So we drive and we get back to Eve’s peak.
What a view. Ocean as far as the eye can see. I mean this was my favorite hide out. I am
done with warehouses and sewers. If I’m going to have a hide out I’m going to have one
with a view. So we’re there and ya know the usual celebration. A little hot cocoa, some
peppermint schnapps, dangling Petey by his ankles over the edge while he screams. Just a
Rockwell family evening. And I am sitting there just enjoying life, enjoying the air I’m
breathing and the money I just stole when I start hearing a commotion. He was there. He’s
just throwing my men around like rag dolls…. Teehee that sounded naughty. Well he’s doing
all this grotesque violence and then he gets to me and he punches me. I did nothing to him
and he punches me. Well my mother always told me that if he hits you first then you must
defend yourself. So I stabbed him. Then he threw me around a little more. Yelled some
things about Justice and that I was a lunatic which is just an outrageous accusation. Then he
through me by Petey and Petey’s gun. I don’t know what I was thinking…the next thing I
know he’s staggering…and the cliff was right there …he tried to balance himself but the
wind…that fucking wind ruined everything! This was not supposed to end. You see it’s a
circle just a never ending circle. But then he screwed it all up. He went and died. I blame
you. I… have no purpose now. I never did it for the money or cause I liked blowing things
up…I did it for the chase… now what? Hmm? Now what? Do you know how many times I
was stuck in a burning building…. On a crashing plane…. Hanging by a finger
nail…taunting him and he saved me? He falls once and I can’t even move? Who am I now?
Hmm? I’m just a petty thug. A nobody. There’s nothing to rehabilitate now ladies and gents.
I’m just your average Joe now. Just you’re average Joe.
Black Out.
4/22/2011 Soil Half Full
Two Trees discuss death and rebirth.
1:
What would you rather be after you’re cut down, paper that becomes a very important
document/literary accomplishment OR some piece of grand architecture?
2:
You say that as if it’s a forgone conclusion that we’re going to get chopped down.
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1:
Well…yeah. I mean things don’t really look great for us. This forest used to span 40
miles…now I can actually see a McDonald’s.
2:
What if we become a park? Hmm? Then they can’t touch us.
1:
Unless they want to put a swing set where we are.
God you’re such a weeping willow.
2:
1:
Really? A tree joke? That’s what we’ve come to.
2:
Yes. Yes it is. I laugh because I believe Al Gore will save us…him or Bono…but probably
Al Gore…unless someone develops Tree AIDS…then probably Bono.
2:
Well you can keep banking on some red wood giving you Tree AIDS…I’m going to hope
that I become a first edition Pulitzer Prize winning novel…or a Playboy.
Black Out.
4/23/2011 One Love, One Life
On stage two guys and a girl are sitting watching TV and drinking beer. Enter a married couple that have
literally joined themselves together at the hip.
Guy 1:
Wow. So you guys really did just become one person?
Married Man:
Yeah. We figured we’d stop beating around the bush.
A no pretenses kind of thing.
Married Woman:
Girl:
Gotcha. Beer?
Please.
Married Man:
She tosses them the beer. They miss catching it…badly.
Philip Dallmann159
Married Man:
Well…it will take some getting used to.
But it is for the best. Really.
Married Woman:
Silence.
Black Out.
4/24/2011 Resurrection Run Around
On stage is Jesus nailed to the cross. After a moment Death enters. He brings Jesus off the cross and takes
him to the tomb. They stand facing each other for a moment. Jesus turns to go in but quickly turns back.
Hey is that John Stamos?
Where? I’ve been after that little bastard.
Jesus:
Death:
As Death turns Jesus sprints away out of the grave.
Wher…Hey! Hey stop! Son of a bitch.
Death:
Death begins to mope off stage but then starts running after Jesus. What ensues is a Benny Hill style
chase…probably accompanied by Benny Hill music.
Death: (Out of breath)
Ok…you win. Its…not…its…not fair…you’re the freakin messiah…I don’t get…how you
can…run…for 3 days.
God given talent. Badum psssh.
Jesus:
Death takes a knee.
Black Out.
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4/25/2011 Child-Ruptcy
A man enters a boardroom style room with a lawyer. They sit down.
Lawyer:
So Mr. Huxtable, you want to file bankruptcy?
Yes ma’m.
Mr. Huxtable:
Lawyer:
Ok well I have all your financials here, so let’s take a look.
Mr. Huxtable:
Alllright.
Hm. Well this is weird.
What is?
Lawyer:
Mr. Huxtable:
Lawyer:
Well sir, you have quite a bit of savings…and you own your house outright…and just your
entire portfolio is outstanding.
Mr. Huxtable:
Well I’m very careful with my money and investments. I’m a doctor and my wife is a lawyer.
Lawyer:
Your wife is a lawyer? Why isn’t she filing this for you?
Mr. Huxtable:
Claire sees this problem in a different light.
Lawyer:
I see. Well let me find your list of creditors…Hm. I don’t seem to have one in here. Do you
have the list of the companies you owe money to?
Mr. Huxtable:
Oh I don’t owe any companies any money.
It’s all personal debts?
Lawyer:
Mr. Huxtable:
I don’t owe anyone any money.
Philip Dallmann161
Lawyer:
I don’t understand sir. If you don’t owe anyone any money then why are you here?
My kids.
Your kids?
Mr. Huxtable:
Lawyer:
Mr. Huxtable:
Yes my kids. They keep calling like them damn collection agencies ASKIN for money.
Lawyer:
Your kids are asking you for money so you want to file bankruptcy?
Mr. Huxtable:
Look, here’s how I see it. My kids are grown. They have kids of their own. I do not need to
support them anymore. Now my wife Claire, she’s a push over for those grandkids. They call
and put them on the phone with her AND THEN they ask for money for this that or the
other and she mails a check OVERNIGHT. I’ve told them a million times that we are not a
bank, but they don’t get it. So I figured if the government sent them notices that I don’t owe
them any money that they’d stop calling.
Lawyer:
Your logic is surprisingly sound Mr. Huxtable.
Mhmm.
Mr. Huxtable:
Lawyer:
Alright well give me the list and we’ll see what we can do.
Mr. Huxtable:
OK, but I want you to start with Denise…she’s the worst offender.
Black Out.
4/26/2011 Michael Bay’s How To Explode A Marriage.
Onstage is an apartment. Its tenants are Carina and Mark, a married couple of 5 years. Mark is sitting on
the couch holding a cell phone. Carina enters.
Carina:
Baby I’m home! You won’t believe the day I had. That bitch Margery is out of control.
Today she sent out a memo to everyone saying that she’s revamping all policies and
procedures…unbelievable. Baby? Are you alright?
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Mark:
You left your phone at home today. I was going to drop it off to you.
Oh I’m so forgetful. Why didn’t you?
Who is Alex?
Carina:
Mark:
Carina:
What? I don’t know what you’re tal…
Mark:
Stop it. Just stop it. Please do not insult my intelligence anymore by lying to me. Who is
Alex?
I…I’m so sorry Mark.
Who is Alex?
I’m so sorry. I’m so so sor…
Carina:
Mark:
Carina:
Mark:
WHO IS ALEX?
Carina:
He’s just…just a guy at work. But you’re, you’re my husband.
How long?
Mark…
Mark:
Carina:
Mark:
HOW LONG?
A few months.
A few months…
It means nothing…it’s just…
Carina:
Mark:
Carina:
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Mark:
It’s just what? I’m dying to hear why you have taken our marriage and ripped it apart.
We aren’t happy.
Carina:
Mark:
No shit my wife has been cheating on me for months. Of course I’m not happy.
Carina:
No. No I mean WE aren’t happy. We haven’t been for awhile.
Mark:
Excuse me?
Carina:
Look at us. Look at our life. Every night we come home and heat up left-overs or a lean
cuisine and bore each other with our days work. Then on the weekend we either visit family
or you watch sports. Oh and TWICE a month we go out for dinner where we bore each
other with our weeks and then we go sit in silence during what ever movie Michael Bay has
slaughtered this week.
So you cheated on me because I bore you?
We bored each other.
Mark:
Carina:
Mark:
No. No you never bored me. I genuinely always wanted to know how your day was or how
your week was. And I enjoyed our dinners out and I really fucking enjoy Michael Bay. So no
we didn’t bore each other. Apparently I bored you.
Carina:
I guess…I guess that’s true then. I left because this relationship for me had become boring.
Mark:
Well I’ve got news for you. You don’t get to use that excuse.
What?
Carina:
Mark:
No excuses. If you were bored you should have said something.
When? During half time?
Carina:
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Mark:
During anytime. When I married you what did I say to you?
I…I don’t remember.
Carina:
Mark:
…I guess I shouldn’t be surprised given the circumstances. I told you I would be your best
friend and listen to you when ever. BUT YOU HAVE TO FUCKING SAY SOMETHING
FOR ME TO LISTEN TO!
She grabs him and kisses him.
Carina:
This is the most passion you’ve shown in years. I love you. I want you.
She kisses him again. He throws her off him.
Mark:
Unfortunately I hate you. You betrayed me. I loved you with every ounce of my being…but
that was boring. Well now I hate you with every ounce of my being. I hope that’s exciting
enough for you.
He exits. She collapses on the floor with their wedding picture from the table. After a moment he reenters.
Mark:
Nope. This is my apartment. I bought it. You get to leave and go stay on a friends couch.
Carina:
I…
Mark:
And that’s my picture frame. Now get the fuck out.
She begins to slowly gather herself and her jacket.
Mark:
GO!
She exits. He now sits with the picture. After a moment of contemplation he shatters it.
Black Out.
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4/27/2011 A Time For Sonnets In The Rain
Rain hits the stage like a flood. A man walks out, barely able to stand the volume of water pounding him.
Zack:
It’s cliché I know. I know. But this is my Hail Mary. This is all I got left. I wracked my
brain… I can’t think straight. I can’t focus….without her. I…Oh I should…
He walks to the side of the stage and rips some flowers out of a neighbor’s garden.
Zack:
Ok… a little better. Now what? I… I need to get her attention. Ha I could throw rocks at
her window. Aren’t really any around…. I have the spare change in my car.
He runs and grabs the change. He begins throwing it at the window. Nothing. He continues until he is out of
change, but still nothing.
Zack:
Fuck. I guess I could call her.
He pulls out his phone and dials. It continually rings and goes to voicemail, he hangs up and calls again.
This happens several times before he decides to leave a voicemail.
Zack:
Isabelle…it’s Zack. I…I’m outside. I brought you some flowers..and…and…and I brought
your favorite sonnet. I know its cheesy but I think its perfect. I…
He fumbles to get a piece of paper out of his coat. The rain is soaking it, it is barely legible. He stammers
through Sonnet XXIV.
Zack:
When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.
He drops the paper.
Philip Dallmann166
Zack:
Dammit.
The voicemail has run out.
Zack:
Dammit… I love you…
He sits down in the rain. Time passes. It slows to a drizzle as the sun comes up. Isabelle enters.
Zack? What are you doing on the curb?
Isabelle:
Zack:
I… I came to see you. I called you.
I took Nyquil so I would just pass out.
Isabelle:
Zack:
Makes sense. I actually tried to wake you up by throwing change at your window at first.
Really?
Isabelle:
Zack:
Yeah…there’s like 5 bucks in your mom’s rose bushes.
Zack?
Isabelle:
Zack:
Izzy. I came here…I came here because I think you’re scared. A relationship that could go
the distance is scary. But that’s why you have me. I…I wont let anything happen to you.
Don’t run away. Run towards me. I’m not perfect but I really try to be for you. I love
making you smile every day…please don’t take that away from me. I love you. I love you
more than life itself.
Isabelle:
Zack…What if…What if I just need some time?
Zack:
Time?
Isabelle:
Time to think. I need to figure this out. I need to be OK with me before I can be OK with
us.
Philip Dallmann167
I love you.
Zack:
Isabelle:
I know.
She kisses him and then exits. Zack is left alone. He takes off his watch and drops it as he exits.
Black Out.
4/28/2011 Apply Here
A man walks up to a woman in a bar.
Ugh. Please don’t hit on me.
Her:
Him:
OK.
Really? Wait are you gay?
Nope. I just gave up trying to hit on girls.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Hm. Do you use one of those dating websites?
Him:
Nope. I know that’s supposed to be safe but it just sort of freaks me out.
Her:
Yeah me too. So what? You just let your friends set you up on blind dates?
Him:
No. I never go into anything blind. I prefer to be fully aware of everything going on at all
times and to be readily prepared. I think girls deserve that too. It’s only fair.
I agree.
So here’s my application.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Your what?
Philip Dallmann168
Him:
My application for a dinner with you. You’ll see it has my track record as well as 7 personal
and professional references. You can review it and if you like it my number is at the top.
He finishes his drink and exits as she begins flipping through the paperwork.
Her:
Wait he has Malcolm Jamal Warner as a reference? Impressive.
Black Out.
4/29/2011 It Can Be Rebuilt
A man walks out on to stage. He begins stacking some blocks. It is semi-laborious work. After finishing he
climbs to the top and sits. After a moment people slowly start coming on stage and dismantling, piece by piece.
The man gets to the ground safely as all of his work is undone. The people then turn to him and attack. They
beat him unmercifully for an extended period of time. They exit leaving the man battered, defeated, and
broken. A woman enters, picks up a block, and moves it toward him. She exits. Two men enter and help the
man to his feet. They sit him on the block. The woman reenters with another block. She moves towards the
man and he slowly rises. She goes to stack the block on top of the other one. He stops her and places it next
to the other one. They sit on their respective blocks.
Black Out.
4/30/2011 Seek Knowledge
On stage are the Master and the Servant. They are camping for the night.
What was that?
Who knows?
It sounded scary.
Servant:
Master:
Servant:
Master:
I asked you who knows?
I don’t know.
Then you must find someone who does.
Servant:
Master:
Black Out.
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5/1/2011 Life-Ku
On stage we see the cycle of life in haiku.
Step One.
Man:
OK Honey Push.
Push? I hate you. I hate you.
Woman:
Doctor:
Congrats. It’s a boy.
Step two.
Why wont it shut up?
It’s your turn. I changed him last.
Rock a bye baby.
Man:
Woman:
Man:
Step three.
No I want bezert.
You have to eat your dinner.
I hate broccoli.
Son:
Mom:
Son:
Step four.
Son:
Don’t leave me mommy.
You have to go to school now.
Mom:
Son:
But mommy! Pretty please?
Step six
Give me my toy back.
No. you come and take it back.
Mom says no punching.
Son:
Brother:
Son:
Philip Dallmann170
Step seven
Wow a hair. There.
Damn another zit. This blows.
Puberty sucks ass.
So you can say it?
But I cant say the N Word
Because I am white.
So those are your boobs.
Yes I named him the captain.
Sorry it was over so fast.
Son:
Son:
.
Step eight
Son:
Step nine
For better or worse.
Do I want to marry her?
Do you take
.. I do.
Son:
Priest:
Son:
Step ten
It’s spreading all over.
You will be gone in six months.
Goodbye then. Good bye.
Doctor:
Wife:
Black Out.
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5/2/2011 The Writer Part Three: My Half Written Empire.
On stage The Writer and Suzan Lori-Parks continue their discussion.
Why did you start writing?
In general or the year of plays?
The year of plays.
Writer:
SLP:
Writer:
SLP:
Because I had a thought for a moment that it was impossible. Seemed like the only
appropriate thing to do after having that thought. How about you? Why have you decided to
torture yourself everyday to write something interesting, funny, or at least partially relevant?
Writer:
Oh so many reasons. I needed a kick start…creatively. I needed an outlet for the raw
feelings that were coursing through my body. I wanted to fill a void. You know I didn’t even
have that space to have a void until I fell in love. I think sometimes that maybe human
beings are better off not knowing what it’s like to have love, then they never have to have
the pain of losing it…and having this void. That’s the cynic in me currently speaking. I’m
sure you’ve noticed that when I block that stuff out all I want to be is a romantic optimist.
SLP:
Those seem like perfectly good reasons to write.
Writer:
Yeah? Or am I just writing to avoid doing the actual work in my life? I write about love
instead of actually looking for it. I write jokes instead of actually laughing. I’m living through
this Microsoft Word Document. I’ve created worlds inside this beaten up old
laptop…empires where I yearn to exist.
SLP:
You have to start somewhere. No story starts half written. Rebuilding starts with demolition,
then you break ground.
SLP hands him a shovel and exits.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann172
5/3/2011 9th Circle Roommates
OFF STAGE:
Incoming!
Osama Bin Laden drops onto the stage. Sitting in the middle of the stage is Judas.
Hey. A roommate.
Where am I?
Judas:
Osama:
Judas:
I like to called it District 9. Sounds fancy right?
District 9? Isnt that American movie?
I said it first by like a thousand years.
I assume you lead me to the virgins yes?
Osama:
Judas:
Osama:
Judas:
Virgins?
Osama:
Yes. I died a martyr to my people, therefore I am promised many virgins in the afterlife.
Judas:
Yeah…no. We got monopoly, but the dice are fixed. You never pass go. You NEVER
collect $200.
What? This cannot be.
Osama:
Judas:
Yep. We pretty much just have that and a DVD of the movie Joe’s Apartment.
Osama:
I…I…cannot believe this.
Where do you think you are?
Judas:
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District 9. A fancy place like you say.
Osama:
Judas:
Ha. Welcome to the ninth circle of hell. But hey at least we can keep each other company
right? Seriously. Don’t feel too bad. I mean yes you are the first person besides the guy who
betrayed Christ to get sent here…but ya know…that’s something right? We’ll have fun. It’ll
be just like 2 ½ Men. I’ll be Charlie Sheen and you be the kind of gay one and we’ll get into
all kinds of shenanigans. It’ll be great you’ll see. We’ll have a theme song like “Where the guy
who killed Christ…meets the guy who…” You know it may be too soon to sing about what
you did. Wait. What happened to the thimble? Where is the thimble? SON OF A BITCH!
SERIOUSLY?!?! SERIOUSLY GOD? IT’S LIKE THAT? He knows I only like playing as
the thimble…now I gotta be the fucking terrier…
It’ll be OK…we have shenanigans yes?
Osama:
Judas:
No. No we don’t have shenanigans. No shenanigans with out the thimble. Now we just get
to be in hell…and not pass go.
Osama:
It’ll be OK.
Just roll…
Judas:
Black Out.
5/4/2011 John Cage Play.
As many people as possible enter the stage and stand silently and perfectly still for four minutes and thirty
three seconds.
Black Out.
5/5/2011 Morning Margaritas = Cinco De Cubicle
On stage several men in identical suits, shirts, and ties pass each other and acknowledge each other with a
nod. This goes on for 2-3 minutes before a young man, in the same suit, shirt, and tie but a little disheveled
enters wearing a sombrero.
HOLA!
Young Man:
Every one stops for a moment, then goes back to work. The young man takes off his sombrero and gets to his
cubicle and back to work.
Philip Dallmann174
Black out.
5/6/2011 The Real Animal Farm
The stage is black. A farmer stumbles in looking for the light. He is slightly drunk.
Karl:
Emma? Emma? Where is that damn light? Where…
He stumbles and falls crashing to the floor.
Hello Karl.
Who is that? Who’s there?
Cow:
Karl:
Cow:
Oh come on Karl. You don’t recognize me?
No…Who are you? Show yourself.
Fine have it your way.
Karl:
Cow:
The lights come up and we see that Emma is tied up in the corner with what appears to be a skewer in
between her and the rope. The only other entity on stage besides Karl is a cow.
Karl:
Where are you? Emma, what happened?
The cow stands.
I happened.
Cow:
Karl:
What the hell? No. No you’re a cow. Cows don’t stand.
Cow:
Oh but I do. See I’m a lot smarter than the rest of my species…which is unfortunate for
you.
Wh….why?
Karl:
Philip Dallmann175
Cow:
Well you see Karl…I was one of your cows.
Karl:
No. No I would have known if I had a talking cow.
Cow:
I mostly kept to myself. Mother always wanted me to stay quiet. She was very smart in her
own right ya know? WAS being the key word. She was…She was until you sent her to the
slaughter house.
Karl:
Now you don’t know that. I just send my cows away to another farm.
The cow pulls a glok.
Cow:
Don’t fuck with me Karl. I’m a cow, not stupid.
Ok…Ok.
Karl:
A pig enters.
Pig:
The chickens are taken care of boss. Oh hey Karl.
Hey…
Karl:
Pig pulls a comically large sword.
Shut the fuck up before I make Karl Bacon.
Pig:
Cow:
Now Pig I was looking forward to Karl Burgers.
Please…Please…
Karl:
Pig:
You know I seem to rememba my brother squealing the same thing befo you sent him away.
I wanna hear you squeal Karl. SQUEAL!
Karl tentatively squeals.
Philip Dallmann176
That’s mo like it.
Are you done?
Yeah.
Pig:
Cow:
Pig:
Cow:
Good. Now go send the signal to the goat out in the pasture that it’s all clear.
Yes boss.
Pig:
Pig exits.
Cow:
You know people always say it’s hard to find good help but really you just have to
communicate. Just be crystal clear at all times and most people wont fuck up. The ones that
do…well…
He fires his gun.
You get the idea.
What are you going to do?
Cow:
Karl:
Cow:
Well first the goat is going to set up the bonfire outside…and I’m thinking I really want to
start with an Emma Kabob…then well you heard me. I’m really into the idea of Karl
Burgers. Maybe I’ll try to milk you first.
The cow moves over to Karl and starts giving him purple nurples. Karl screams in pain. Cow pistol whips
him.
Cow:
Don’t scream like a bitch. Imagine having that everyday. Never heard any of my fam scream.
No we take indignity with strength, solitude, and confidence.
I’m so sorry.
Karl:
Cow:
Oh Karl…it’s too late for apologies. That deadline passed when I watched you slaughter
rabbit. Really Karl…your best option would have been to been a Corn Farmer. I don’t
Philip Dallmann177
anticipate any ears of corn packing heat anytime soon. Unless of course they’re popcorn. Ha.
Laugh dammit.
Karl chuckles full of fear.
Cow:
Maybe that’s what I’ll do when I leave here. Stand up. I mean if Carrot Top and Sinbad can
do it why can’t I?
Karl:
Of course you can. You can do anything.
Yeah…Yeah I can.
Cow:
Karl:
You should just leave and follow your dreams.
Cow:
Oh I will. Only bright lights and big city in front of the cow.
Karl:
Then go. Go for it.
Cow:
I will. After I kill you of course. Revenge first, then fame.
Pig reenters.
Pig:
Goat’s got the fire all set up boss.
Cow:
Fan-fuckin-tastic. Let the show begin.
Pig:
Let me put Emma on first. I watched her sizzle my siblings every morning.
Cow:
We talked about this. You set up. I get to have the actual fun.
Well I really think we should re-discuss that.
Pig:
Cow:
It’s not open for negotiation.
Philip Dallmann178
I think it should be.
Pig:
Cow:
Listen pig. Just do as your told and we all get out of here and onto our own lives.
Pig:
You know you aint that much more evolved than me. I can take you.
Cow:
Pig. Please.
Pig:
Bring it heifer.
Pig draws his sword.
Cow:
What did you call me swine?
Pig:
Oh it’s on bitch.
Cow draws a small dagger. In the ensuing combat Pig gets sliced and falls to the ground.
Cow:
Oh Pig.
Cow pulls out his glok.
Cow:
No Babe Pig In The City for you. Bye Bye Ram Mew…
He clicks to remove the safety. As he is about to fire. A sound draws closer.
Bacon…Bacon…Bacon…
What is that?
Dogs:
Cow:
Dogs:
Bacon…Bacon…Bacon…
Wha…Oh no…
Pig:
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DOGS!
BACON!!!!!
RUN!!!!!
Pig & Cow:
Dogs:
Cow:
Dogs bust through and chase after the wounded pig and cow.
Black Out.
5/7/2011 Waldo Bin Laden
On stage is a living room. The TV is on and an older man is sitting facing away from the audience watching
it.
On TV Barack Obama:
Good evening. Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the
United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of Al
Qaeda, and a terrorist who's responsible for the murder of thousands of innocent men,
women, and children….
GWB:
Aw sonofabitch. How’d he’d catch him? I am the goddamn champion at Where’s Waldo?
And that Osama sure as hell ain’t Waldo. Dad! Dad!
What?
Offstage GB Sr.:
GWB:
Obama caught Osama…heh that’s fun to say…Obama caught Osama…Dammit!
Son go play with Cheney.
Offstage GB Sr:
GWB:
Fine…Cheney! (calling and whistling for him like a dog) Cheney!
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann180
5/8/2011 The SmerJigan
On stage is an eat-in kitchen. Paul is cleaning up the dinner he just made for Larry who just landed a new
job.
Larry:
Thanks for dinner man.
Of course dude. It was my ple…
Paul:
Paul stops in his tracks.
Larry:
I’m really excited about this new job.
Dude.
Paul:
Larry:
I think it’s really going to give me a lot of opportunities for career advancement…or at least
that’s what the video said.
Paul drops the plates.
Larry:
What the…
Dude.
What?
What is that?
Paul:
Larry:
Paul:
Larry:
What is what?
In the sink. What is that?
What…OH MY GOD!
Right?
Paul:
Larry:
Paul:
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Larry:
I…I…don’t know…
Paul:
It looks like…I don’t even know where to start…
All those…wrinkles….
Larry:
Paul:
It looks like an old lady’s ass.
Larry:
It looks like if Shrek busted a nut in your sink is what it looks like.
Paul:
What is that sticking out?
I don’t know…
Larry:
Paul:
Don’t move closer dude!
Larry:
I’m just trying to see…
Paul:
Dude it could be toxic or something.
OH GOD IT MOVED!
Larry:
Paul:
SON OF A BITCH!
Larry grabs a kitchen knife, Paul grabs a grill lighter.
What are you going to slowly melt it?
Larry:
Maybe it’s scared of fire. Like Frankenstein.
Paul:
Larry:
You mean Frankenstein’s Monster. Frankenstein is the doctor who created the monster.
Philip Dallmann182
Paul:
Really? We have some weird living growth in my sink and you are correcting me on a movie
character right now?
Larry:
Well…I mean if we’re being technical…he’s a literary character. But hey…I mean if you’re
fine being wrong all the time…fine by me.
Paul:
You know what I take back the dinner I just cooked for you.
You can’t take that back.
Yep. Just did.
Larry:
Paul:
Larry:
But I already ate it.
Paul:
Well….then you have to poop it out here. No taking it out of the house.
Larry:
I’m not pooping here. You know I only make on my own toilet.
Paul:
Well guess what buckaroo? You’re pooping here.
Larry:
I don’t even have to go.
Well…then here eat this loaf of bread.
Paul:
Larry:
No.
Eat it.
Paul:
Larry:
No.
Paul pulls out a handful of slices of bread and then begins to attempt to force feed Larry bread. A scuffle
ensues. It ends with Larry on the other end of the kitchen pointing the knife at Paul.
Philip Dallmann183
Here. I’ll make it toast.
Paul:
Paul begins to try and burn the bread with his lighter. A gurgle and plop are heard. They both hit the deck.
Larry:
We’re going to die!
I’m so sorry. You can keep the dinner.
I’ll poop here if you want.
Paul:
Larry:
Paul:
We’re both going to poop here when we die.
Larry:
I don’t want to die.
Another gurgle is heard. They crawl closer to each other.
I have to admit something Paul.
Larry:
Paul:
What ever it is man all is forgiven.
Larry:
No I gotta tell you. In 9th grade…I told Alexis Thompson you were gay so she’d talk to me.
YOU WHAT?
She was really hot.
Paul:
Larry:
Paul:
I KNOW. I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER! Oh man this explains so much. That’s why she
would always just ask me if I liked her outfit…why she always said I should hang out with
her “actor” brother…man…
Larry:
All is forgiven though right? I mean you’re dating/living in sin with Amy now? Do I hear
upgrade? Eh? Eh?
….Yeah….all is forgiven…
Paul:
Philip Dallmann184
Larry:
Ok…good.
After a moment.
I was the one who ran over your cat.
Paul:
Larry:
WHAT?
Paul:
It was like my second time driving and he came out of nowhere.
SEVERUS!
Hey so we’re even.
Larry:
Paul:
Larry:
You ran over my cat does not equal me telling one girl you like dudes.
It’s all perspective.
Paul:
Larry:
I should kill you. How’s that for perspective?
Oh come on. I could totally take you.
Paul:
Larry:
Paul. I have a knife. You have a lighter.
Still…I…
Paul:
A pop is heard.
Both:
AHHH!
Paul’s girlfriend Amy enters.
Amy:
What are you two screaming about? Oh ew that’s gross.
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She turns on the faucet and washes what ever it is down the drain. She then turns and looks at her boyfriend
and his best friend holding each other tightly on the ground.
Amy:
I worry about you two sometimes. Why do you have that lighter? You know what? Never
mind. You two just wear protection when you make love tonight, I don’t want to catch what
ever caused Larry to grow that moustache.
Amy exits.
What do you think that thing was?
Larry:
Paul:
For some reason in my head I’ve named it The SmerJigan.
Larry:
I’m down with that.
They get up and gather themselves.
So you wanna just crash here tonight?
Paul:
Larry:
Yeah sure.
Paul:
I like your moustache. It’s got character like Tom Selleck.
Larry:
DO YOU HEAR THAT AMY? TOM SELLECK.
A gurgle is heard. They both his the deck.
Black Out.
5/9/2011 Obama’d
On stage to Caucasian friends are playing video games.
1:
So I’ve decided what I want to do with my life.
2:
Yeah? Hit me with it.
Philip Dallmann186
1:
I want to be the first White Sassy Black Side Kick in a movie.
Yeah that sounds about right.
2:
1:
No, seriously. I mean I feel like I can say “I know that’s right” and “Daaamn” just as good
as any black guy.
But there is a reason black guys do it.
2:
1:
There was supposedly a reason why white guys were president, then what happened?
2:
Yeah, but…
BOOM. You just got Obama’d.
Obama’d?
I’m going to make it a thing.
1:
2:
1:
2:
You’re really going places man.
1:
Yep. Just like when Morgan Freeman played Jesus, I’m a revolutionary.
2:
Morgan Freeman didn’t…you know what never mind. Go for it buddy.
1:
Alright I really gotta go work on my “Oh no he didn’t”.
1 keeps repeating the line as he exits.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann187
5/10/2011 The Writer Part Four: An Inconvenient Guest
You’re choking…OoOoOo….
SLP:
Al Gore:
You can’t do it….OoOoOo…
Writer:
Who’s there?
SLP:
Not a Pulitzer Prize Winning Playwright and Former Vice President…OoOoOo…
Al Gore:
I should’ve been president. Stupid Florida and its stupid awesome Disney World.
Suzan Lori-Parks. Al Francis Gore.
Writer:
Al Gore:
How’d you guess?
Al. Shhh.
What are you two doing here?
SLP:
Writer:
SLP:
Just checking in…ya know…seeing if you failed yet.
Al Gore:
Hey. Hey. Not winning isn’t necessarily failing ok? I’m still a winner even if I didn’t become
President.
SLP:
You do know who beat you yes?
You sound just like my wife.
*Cough* Ex-wife.
Sing-songy. Fail-ure.
Al Gore:
SLP:
Writer:
Philip Dallmann188
Al Gore:
You guys are mean.
Writer:
Well that’s sort of the nature of political satire.
Al Gore:
Well I don’t wanna play anymore. I’m leaving….and you should write on both sides of the
paper…or…or…or…Polar Bears will eat your mother.
Al Gore runs off crying.
SLP:
Pff. Baby.
Yeah...Hey. Guess what?
Writer:
SLP:
What?
Writer:
Finished.
SLP:
Damn it! Foiled…I know I shouldn’t have brought Gore…he’s a freakin gold mine of
writing material. Oh you may be done 111 plays…but I’ll be back. Oh I. Will. Be.
The writer scribbles furiously.
And Black Out.
Writer:
He dots the period as the lights go out.
5/11/2011 Colonial Calves Keep Her Next To You All Night
A man and woman are in bed. This was a wedding hook up. They lay in silence for a moment.
So I should probably go.
Oh.
Southern Girl:
Northern Boy:
She gets up and begins putting her dress and shoes back on.
Philip Dallmann189
Southern Girl:
Yeah. Dave, Emily’s boyfriend who was at the table at the wedding with us, his grandma
isn’t doing well and if they want to leave early or what ever…ya know…It would just be
easier if…
Northern Boy:
You were at least in the same building. Yeah that makes sense.
Southern Girl:
This was fun.
Northern Boy:
Yeah…yeah it really was.
Alright. Well I’m going to go then.
Southern Girl:
Northern Gentleman:
Uh wait…I’ll walk you over. It’s late and raining…
Such a gentleman.
Well I try.
Southern Belle:
Northern Gentleman:
He pulls out a t shirt and some running shorts.
Charming Man:
Not quite the Ralph Lauren tux that won you over but I think the shorts really show off my
colonial calves.
Colonial calves?
Skeptical Woman:
Charming Man:
Yeah. A buddy of mine told me that back in colonial times it was very attractive to have
thick calves. Hence my colonial calves.
You’re an idiot.
Smitten Woman:
Man kicking himself:
Let me just grab my key real quick…and we’re good to go.
Woman Wishing For Him to Stop Her:
Ok.
Philip Dallmann190
Man about to throw a Hail Mary:
Wait.
What?
Woman Hoping This Guy Doesn’t Forget Stuff All The Time:
One more thing.
The Ball is Out of His Hands:
He kisses her.
A Guy Who Just Couldn’t Shake That Feeling:
Don’t go. Sleep here. If they need you they’ll call. I hate to brag but I’m an excellent cuddler.
I have references.
Girl Who is Going to Give it a Shot:
….OK….
She drops her stuff and kisses him.
Black Out.
5/12/2011 App of Babel
On stage Steve Jobs is about to unveil a new product to a room of reporters and Apple employees.
Steve Jobs:
Ladies and Gentleman. Thank you all for coming today. As you all know Apple has been at
the forefront of the technological revolution for the last decade. The iMac, iPad, Mac Book
Pro, and of course the game changer that was the iPhone. Today we are not going to top
those. No. To strive to just top something is what those Microsoft guys do.
Sign goes up to laugh. A rumble of laughs occur.
Steve Jobs:
Today we blow all that shit out of the water. As humans we only require so much, and the
current line of Apple products provide a majority of it. We are however lacking in 2 major
categories. So I unveil to you….The Food and Sex App.
Gasps, Ooos, and Ahhs immediately follow.
Steve Jobs:
Need a sandwich? BOOM. There’s an App for that. Want to see what it would be like to get
freaky with an Ethiopian chick? BAM. There’s an App for that. Want to eat some fried green
tomatoes off a red head with a little extra fun on her? Let me hear you say it!
The reporters/Apple employees:
There’s an App for that!
Philip Dallmann191
Steve Jobs:
Ladies and Gentlemen. You may call me God now.
God enters.
God:
Ahem.
Steve Jobs:
Oh Shit.
God:
Let’s see here. Forgiveness for worshiping a false idol, taking the lord’s name in vain, and
being a douche….nope, I do not see an App for that.
Black Out.
5/13/2011 What Happens When You UnFriend Mark Zuckerberg.
Mark Zuckerberg sneaks onto stage. He has a backpack full of spray paint. After surveying the area to
make sure it’s safe he begins to paint a wall. It’s says “GOOGLE SUCKS.” He then makes it appear to
be “Liked” by “Your Mom”.
Hey! Hey you!
From Off Stage:
Zuckerberg books it off stage.
Google Security:
Stop! Stop! What the…? Oh son of a bitch. ZUCKERBERG!!!!!
Who’s Un-Friending who now bitch?!?
Zuckerberg:
Black out.
5/14/2011 2 Beer Sitcom Queer
A man walks into a bar. He’s noticeably checking out women on his way in. He sits at the bar and orders a
beer, while continuing to check out the female prospects for the night. The bartender brings him his beer, he
chugs it. He starts to try and get the girl next to him’s number. Another beer is brought. He chugs it.
Immediately he is transformed, into a flamboyantly gay man.
Oh girl that dress is FEeEeEIRCeE!
Mark:
A man walks by.
Philip Dallmann192
Mark:
Mm.mm.mmm. I’d like to spread him over some toast and have him for breakfast. Oh! Stop
me! I’m so bad.
2 other guys enter and notice him.
Paul:
Damn we’re too late.
Peter:
Yep. He’s had 2 beers. He’s sitcom gay for the night.
Mark:
HEEEEEYY!!!
Black Out.
5/15/2011 Bars are No Place for Patronuses
On stage is a bar. There is a smattering of people here. Ryan and Max enter.
Max:
Thanks man for coming out with me.
Hey, anytime. I’m a great wingman.
Ryan:
Max:
Thanks. Yeah I’ve been pretty hopeless with the ladies since Carol…
Hey you’re not hopeless. Just rusty.
Ryan:
Max:
Yeah. Well you gotta be a better wing man than Matt.
Matt enters behind them.
What happened with Matt?
Ryan:
Matt:
Yeah what happened with Matt?
Max:
Oh. Hey there…Matt. I was just telling Ry how much fun it was going out the other night.
Philip Dallmann193
Matt:
Aw yeah man. Did you call that girl? I totally just threw the whole 3 day rule out the window
and called the girl I was talking to. I left a message but I’m sure she’s just doing her own 3
day thing.
Max:
Yeah… I’m sure that’s it.
Matt:
Aw dude you will totally be set tonight man. You got two wingmen!
Oh…Yeah I guess I do.
Hey I’m Matt.
Ry.
Max:
Matt:
Ryan:
Matt:
Sweet man. Oh dude look 2 blondes at 4 o clock. Alpha team go.
I…
Max:
Matt:
Hello there ladies. Name’s Matt. I see you’ve noticed my pin. Yes I am a level 6 sorcerer.
Feel free to touch it.
Ryan:
Hi. I’m Ryan. I’m only a level 4 international banker.
Valerie.
Valerie:
Kristin:
Kristin.
Matt:
It is an honor of the highest degree to meet you.
Right…
Valerie:
Philip Dallmann194
Ryan:
Uh…Hey listen…Kristin…My friend Max over there is a little shy but uh do you think
maybe we could buy you and your friend a drink?
Matt:
If we go back to my place I brew a mean appletini.
Ryan:
HA. You’re so funny. Or we could just get you guys…
Vodka Cran.
And…
Valerie:
Ryan:
Kristin:
Vodka Cran.
Of course.
Ryan:
Matt:
Wow are you guys boring. I mean pick something less stereotypical…
Come here.
Ryan:
Matt:
What?
Hey so uh what’d they say?
I… They said we could buy them drinks.
So the shy friend thing worked?
Max:
Ryan:
Max:
Ryan:
Yeah.
Matt:
What shy friend thing? Listen Pete I really think they were digging my pin. You should’ve
worn your Quidditch tee shirt. These chicks are def into magic.
Philip Dallmann195
Right. What did they want to drink?
Vodka Crans.
Of course they did.
Max:
Ryan:
Max:
Matt:
BORING. Let’s just get them Harry Potters. I heard the bartender has to say an incantation
as he lights it on fire.
Max:
I’m going to stick with the vodka crans for now but you go ahead.
Ryan:
Your loss man. HEY BARKEEP! ONE PATRONUS CHARM OVER HERE!
Ryan:
Try another bar?
Yep.
Max:
Black Out.
5/16/2011 Unforgiveable
Mike crosses stage in disgust. Brian follows.
Brian:
Man. Come on. Come back. Please…just…please.
Mike:
What? What do you want? What the hell do YOU want?
I’m sorry.
Brian:
Mike:
You’re sorry? YOU’RE SORRY?!?! Oh we’re well past sorry Brian. Sorry is the equator and
we’re in fucking Antarctica Brian.
I know. I know. It was awful of me.
Brian:
Philip Dallmann196
Mike:
I mean really man. What were you thinking?
I wasn’t. I wasn’t thinking.
Brian:
Mike:
You’re damn right you weren’t. There is no way you could’ve been thinking at all.
I’m so sorry.
Brian:
Mike:
No. No. Some things can’t be fixed with “I’m Sorry”. We’re done. Done.
Brian:
I’m so sorry.
Mike:
Maybe next time you won’t touch another man’s Butterfinger. Maybe next time you’ll get
your own, but for us there is no next time. Goodbye.
Mike…
Brian:
Black out.
5/17/2011 When Closure Just Isn’t Justice
On stage a woman is pacing. This is the visiting room of a medium security prison. Two officers enter with a
prisoner. He is grizzled but some what unassuming in the role, it appears that yarn rather than handcuffs
would suffice in restraining him.
Sit.
We’ll be right outside ma’m.
Officer 1:
Officer 2:
Vicki:
…thank you.
The officers exit.
Daniel:
Please have a seat.
Philip Dallmann197
Vicki:
What? No. No I’m fine standing. Thank you.
You’re welcome.
Do they hurt?
What? The handcuffs?
Daniel:
Vicki:
Daniel:
Vicki:
Yes.
Daniel:
No not really. I only have to wear them when I’m in here and I don’t get many visitors so I
don’t wear them often.
Oh ok…but you do have visitors?
A few.
Who?
Vicki:
Daniel:
Vicki:
Daniel:
My mother, my biographer…and now you.
You have a biographer?
Vicki:
Daniel:
Yes. He’s just a psychology student but he’s good company every other week. He asks very
interesting questions, like if I was a cereal what would I be? It took me a minute before I
decided on Count Chocula. What would you be Maria?
I…I don’t know…Honey Nut Cheerios.
Vicki:
Daniel:
I used to eat those every morning when I was a kid. I never go into the whole Wheaties
craze…there was no way Wheaties was making me swim like Mark Spitz.
Philip Dallmann198
What?
He was on the box…after the Olympics.
Oh…right.
Vicki:
Daniel:
Vicki:
Daniel:
How long are we going to do this?
Do what?
Vicki:
Daniel:
Chit-chat. Don’t get me wrong I rather enjoy it. It’s much better than the conversation I
usually have around here. That’s mostly negotiating not to get raped or how I would
dismember someone who even thinks about putting anything of theirs near anything of
mine….but I feel like you didn’t come here to discuss cereal or the promiscuity of inmates,
did you?
Vicki:
No…no I didn’t. I…I …just need to know…
Daniel:
Know what?
Vicki:
Why? Why did you kill my husband…like that…?
Daniel:
Sigh. I thought that might be why you’re here. Listen I can’t give you closure. Shit happens.
Life happens. People die…sometimes they get killed….Circle of Life…Simba…yadda yadda.
We’re done here.
He gets up.
I deserve to know.
Vicki:
Daniel:
What was that?
I deserve to know. I deserve a real answer.
Vicki:
Philip Dallmann199
Why is that?
Because.
Daniel:
Vicki:
Daniel:
Because it was your husband? I got news for you sweet heart, your husband was not my first,
and probably won’t be my last with how things are going in here and I do not plan on
explaining a thing. It is what it is. Good Day.
I didn’t let them kill you.
What?
Vicki:
Daniel:
Vicki:
I…I told the prosecutor I didn’t want them to give you the death penalty.
Daniel:
Why…why would you do that?
Vicki:
I didn’t do it for you. I did it for my daughter. She asked me if they were going to kill you
because you killed her Daddy. She said that she hoped they didn’t because God doesn’t like
killing….and…and I think she’s right. You may be evil…you may have done some
despicable things…but you don’t deserve to die.
That was very sweet of you.
Daniel:
Vicki:
So, I think I deserve an answer.
Daniel:
Fine. I killed him and ripped him apart…piece …. by piece…because of your daughter.
My…daughter?
Vicki:
Daniel:
Yes. He was always showing her off like his little trophy. “Oh my Alexis did this today” “Oh
my little princess had her first ballet recital”. He didn’t deserve her. I always wanted a
daughter but the good lord never blessed me with a whore with whom I found suitable to
breed with. Shame.
Philip Dallmann200
How did killing Ben solve that?
Vicki:
Daniel:
It didn’t…but it sure felt good. Rage like that…it’s a delicacy. So are you happy now? Not
the answer I’m sure you were expecting. Sorry it couldn’t be more interesting like I was a
hired killer or a member of some cult…but ya know…take what you can get I suppose
right?
Vicki:
Yes. Thank you. I still very much hate you. Sometimes I regret not letting them stick that
needle in your arm…I would have liked to watch you die, but that would not bring Ben
back. I am no saint…but I will not dirty my hands with you. I forgive you.
Daniel:
Ha you forgive me? What makes you think for a second that I want your forgiveness?
Vicki:
I don’t, but it’s something I needed to do before I could let those 2 guards fake your suicide.
What?
Daniel:
Vicki:
Funny how useful Ben’s life insurance money could be. You really should’ve worked on your
manners though. It didn’t take much to convince them to get rid of you.
Daniel:
You cant…what you said about killing being wrong…your daughter…
Vicki:
DOESN’T HAVE A FATHER THANKS TO YOU. Now sit the fuck down and try and
die with some dignity. Unfortunately I don’t get to watch so I have to leave you. Say hi to
Judas in the ninth circle hell for me.
Wait!
Daniel:
She exits. The guards enter.
Daniel:
She was joking right? What is that? What is that in your hand?
Be still. This won’t be short.
Officer 2:
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann201
5/18/2011 The Weather Up There
2 guys are standing on stage. One is slightly taller than the other. Both are looking down.
They look just like ants from way up here.
Glenn:
Barry:
Glenn. Those are ants. Finally being six foot doesn’t mean you get to say you’re way up here.
Glenn:
I would like you to ask me what the weather is like up here.
Barry:
No.
Just once?
Nope.
Come on.
Glenn:
Barry:
Glenn:
Barry:
No.
Glenn:
Fine… I guess when you finally can grow a beard I won’t describe you as a lumberjack of a
man to my cousin April…
How’s the weather up there?
Humid.
Barry:
Glenn:
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann202
5/19/2011 Southern State of Mind
A man is walking, as he opens the door he notices a woman walking behind him. He stops to hold the door.
After you ma’m.
Fuck You.
Man:
Woman:
She storms through the doorway.
Black Out.
5/20/2011 How to Top the Dougie
On stage we are in a teacher’s lounge. There is a smattering of teachers sitting around prepping and eating. A
man enters.
Mark:
So I’m pretty sure had that been a real lock down and there was a real shooter in the school
my kids would have gotten me killed.
They were pretty loud.
Fran:
Mark:
I know, I used my big boy voice and everything but they kept singing Katy Perry, doing
something called cooking that isn’t actually cooking, and calling everything “Swag”.
Nancy:
Mhmm. Everything’s swag. Yesterday one kid tried to teach me how to “Dougie”.
Mark:
Like the cartoon character?
Nancy:
Nope. I don’t know what it was, but I know a grown ass woman had no business doing it.
Fran:
A girl claimed today to have a block letter writing disorder in my art class today. Why? Why
would you try to get out of writing your name in block letters? Seriously?
Gary:
I had a kid stab another kid in the throat with a pencil today. This is his blood on my shirt.
Oh…Hey Gary…didn’t see you there…
Nancy:
Philip Dallmann203
Mark:
Man…in school suspension always has to be a story topper.
Black Out.
5/21/2011 Law and Order: Falls Church
On stage is a crime scene. There is a dead body and the appropriate amount of authorities around. 2
detectives stand by the body.
D1:
ID says his name was Clark Johnson, 45, resident of Falls Church.
Cause of death?
D2:
D1:
Well I’m sure the ME will do an autopsy but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say the
bullet in his head had something to do with it.
D2:
Hmmm. ID was in his wallet?
D1:
Yep, along with about 50 bucks cash and a few credit cards so this doesn’t look like a
robbery. I mean besides the bullet in his head he doesn’t look like anything happened to
him.
D2:
His watched stopped.
D1:
OK so a bullet in the head and a broken watch.
It appears…Mr. Johnson ran out of time.
Seriously?
D2:
D1:
D2:
What?
D1:
There are no cameras here man, you do not need to act like David Caruso.
Philip Dallmann204
D2:
I wasn’t acting like David Caruso…. I was going for Jerry Orbach.
This is Falls Church. Not Law and Order.
You could be Jesse L. Martin? No?
D1:
D2:
D1 starts to walk away.
D2:
Benjamin Bratt? Vincent Denoffrio? Anthony Anderson? Come on! Who doesn’t want to be
Anthony Anderson? Fine. (To Himself) Mr. Johnson ran out of time. Dun Dun Dun (Law
and Order sound)
Black Out.
5/22/2011 Madea Gets Cut Off
On stage a Film Executive is meeting with Tyler Perry. Tyler is twitching looking for an artistic fix.
Executive:
No Tyler Perry. No more movies. No more almost The Cosby Show TV shows. We’re
cutting you off.
TP:
Please. Please just one more. Please I need it. How about Madea Goes Grocery Shopping?
She goes nuts and starts throwing collard greens and sweet potatoes all over.
Executive:
Stop it.
TP:
Madea Goes Shoe Shopping? Madea Goes Swimming? Madea Goes Lesbian?
Executive:
You have a problem sir. Please seek help.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann205
5/23/2011 Rope or Communist Country?
Two young boys are on stage on a school bus.
Do you have a state or a rope?
What?
Do you have a state or a rope?
Josh:
Mark:
Josh:
Mark:
I don’t know.
You have to pick one.
Why?
Cause.
Fine…umm…I… I have a state.
Josh:
Mark:
Josh:
Mark:
Josh:
HAHA. You’re a girl!
What?
Mark:
Josh:
Boys have ropes, Girls have Chinas and you said you had a state!
No I’m a boy I have a rope.
Mark:
Josh:
Nope you said you have a China so you’re a girl.
I don’t want to play anymore.
Mark:
Another boy takes the seat across from them.
Philip Dallmann206
Josh:
Hey Robby, Mark says he has a China.
Robby:
I heard….but you know China is a country right? Not a state.
Josh:
You have a China.
Black Out.
5/24/2011 Student Loans Are A Bitch
We are at a graduation ceremony.
Off Stage:
Grace Reynolds, Magna Cum Laude, English and Communications.
Applause is heard as Grace crosses the stage to shake hands with the Dean. The Dean hands her a diploma
and they take a picture. She begins to walk away when a man in a suit steps in front of her.
Student Loans Man:
Let’s see…4 years…out of state…that will be $115,000.
Grace:
What?
Student Loans Man:
Cash or Check?
Black Out.
5/25/2011 Sweet Lew Lookin For A Statue
On stage is a press conference to unveil a new statue outside of the Staples Center for the LA Lakers.
Lakers Owner:
We are very pleased to announce that at the beginning of the 2012 NBA season we, the Los
Angeles Lakers, will be unveiling a new statue. This statue is of a man who was an integral
part of several of our championships. A man who is forever associated with the Lakers and
our legacy. Ladies and Gentlemen….Mark Madsen.
Who?
Reporter:
Philip Dallmann207
Mark Madsen.
I repeat, Who?
Lakers Owner:
Reporter:
Lakers Owner:
The white guy who danced at the victory parade that one time.
Collective OoOoh from the reporters.
Kareem Abdul Jabbar stands up.
Kareem Abdul Jabbar:
Aw Come on! He get’s a statue? I GAVE YOU 5 CHAMPIONSHIPS!...this is that bull
shit…
Kareem storms out.
Black Out.
5/26/2011 Good Value On Suicide
We are on a street. People are passing by as a salesman tries to sell his product.
Salesman:
Suicide Packs! Get Your Suicide Packs! Only 60 Bucks! Suicide Packs!
What’s in it?
Customer:
Salesman:
Oh well you have your standard heavy duty plastic bag that you place over your head, a tube
that you can hook up to a helium tank, and we now throw in the book “Final Exit”. It really
is about a $200 value but you look like a guy who knows a thing or two about suicide. $80
and it’s all yours.
You were just shouting $60.
Customer:
Salesman:
Ah but the price of suicide is constantly fluctuating. I mean just this morning I was
practically giving these away.
Hmm. I don’t know.
$75. That’s the best I can do.
Customer:
Salesman:
Philip Dallmann208
Customer:
OK. Deal.
Salesman:
Fantastic. Wonderful doing business with you sir. Come back real soon ya hear?
Black Out.
5/27/2011 Circle of Underachieving
A beautiful woman enters the stage. She stops center stage. Two men enter.
Dad:
See this is the kind of woman you’ll never have.
Oh. Gotcha.
Son:
Dad:
Shoot low son and you’ll never be disappointed.
Black Out.
5/28/2011 A Good Outlook
On stage a man is surrounded by bodies scattered on the floor.
Man:
Well it is what it is, no use crying over spilled milk. Oh a quarter. Sweet.
Black Out.
5/29/2011 Jodiendo Odio Lucy
We are at the home of the Ricardos. Ricky enters.
Ricky:
Lucy I’m home!
Ricky! How was your day?
Oh same old same old.
But mostly it was a good day?
Lucy:
Ricky:
Lucy:
Philip Dallmann209
Ricky:
Sure. I would say that.
Good.
Why?
Oh no reason….
Lucy:
Ricky:
Lucy:
Ricky:
Lucy…
Lucy:
I may or may not have ACCIDENTALLY spent our vacation money on 3 dresses and a
toaster.
LUCY!
Now Ricky don’t yell.
Ricky:
Lucy:
Ricky:
AYYAYA! Lucy why do you do this to me?
Waah I’m sorry Ricky.
Lucy:
Ricky:
This is the cost of my American citizenship. To be married to a red headed devil. I think I
would like Fidel instead.
Lucy:
Oh come on Ricky…you love me.
Ricky:
No. No I don’t. I love when you don’t spend my money. I love when you don’t accost
celebrities and ruin my career. I love when you and Ethel stay out of trouble, but no I do not
love you, you crazy ass bitch.
Lucy:
Waaahhh.
Philip Dallmann210
Ricky:
And stop making that sound. You sound like a dying baby seal. Now you are going to take
all of those things back and bring back MY money.
I don’t want to.
Lucy:
Ricky:
This isn’t a democracy. From now on this marriage is Cuba and I’m Fidel. If you don’t come
back with my money…well you saw the bay of pigs…it will be the bay of Lucy.
Ricky!
Lucy:
Fred enters.
What is it Fred?
Oh. Hi Lucy.
Hi Fred. I was just leaving.
Ricky:
Fred:
Lucy:
Lucy exits.
What’s going on Fred?
It finally happened.
Ricky:
Fred:
Ricky:
What happened?
Fred:
Well…Ethel bought some new dresses today with my money…
Yes…Lucy did the same…
And I shot her.
Ricky:
Fred:
Ricky:
What?
Philip Dallmann211
Fred:
I shot her.
Ricky:
Oh.
I need help getting rid of the body though.
Fred:
Ricky:
Of course. I may need your help with something later.
Of course.
Fred:
Black out.
5/30/2011 With the snow…and the genocide…mazeltov…
We are at a United Nations War Crime Tribunal. Ratko Mladic is on trial.
Head Tribuner:
Ratko Mladic you are charged with genocide in the 43-month siege of Sarajevo and the
massacre of 8,000 Muslims in Srebrenica during the 1992-95 Bosnian war in 1995. What do
you have to save for yourself?
Mladic:
Well you see what had happened was…with the thing…and the guy…and then there was
this bird…and those Jews…Who I love…mazeltov and all that l’chaim shit…and then
Muslims and Mohammed… and snow…so you see I really cant be blamed. Ya know?
Head Tribuner:
Yeah no you’re going to die. This is just a formality…and that was a pretty illiterate
explanation…so all in favor?
AY!
All Tribuners:
Mladic:
Damn. It’s like that?
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann212
5/31/2011 Make It Rain
On stage Mother Nature is mediating a dispute between Heat Miser and Rain Miser.
Mother Nature:
Alright rain. You can straight up have Seattle and London if you let heat have Arizona and
the Sahara.
Rain:
Throw in those South American forests and you got a deal.
Heat:
It was much more fun when I sang songs with the Snow Miser.
Rain:
I don’t do gay little dance numbers. I make it rain bitch.
Mother Nature:
Rain. Watch it. You aren’t too old for me to give you a good old fashioned drought.
Yes Ma’m.
Rain:
Rain and Heat go to exit.
Heat (singing):
I’m Mr. Hot Christmas, I’m Mister…
Seriously. I will drown you.
Rain:
Black Out.
6/1/2011 A Hell For All Seasons
A young black man walks across the stage sweating and shirtless. He passes an older woman with a church
fan.
DaHAM it’s hot.
Man:
Church Woman:
Mhhmm. Preach it.
Now I know how hot Judas is in hell.
Man:
Spot light on Judas.
Philip Dallmann213
Judas:
It’s actually quite temperate in the 9 circle. That’s the punishment. No seasons. God knows
how much I love seasons.
th
Black Out.
6/2/2011 The Closest We Get To Giving Birth
On stage a woman is sitting on a bed as her husband emerges from the bathroom.
You were in there awhile. Are you all right?
Thank you.
Wife:
Husband:
Wife:
What?
Husband:
Thank you. Thank you so much for giving birth to our two beautiful daughters.
…you’re welcome?
Wife:
Husband:
I now understand what an amazing feat it was. Truly a miracle.
Wife:
What? Wait. Did you just take a huge dump and now think that that was like giving birth?
Husband:
Yes. I need to call my mother now and thank her as well. If you’ll excuse me.
Black Out.
6/3/2011 The Writer Part…You get the idea.
On stage The Writer takes a break with Suzan Lori-Parks.
The Writer:
I feel compelled to honor someone.
SLP:
Really? You mean the former Head of The Black Panthers who passed away yesterday or Dr.
Kevorkian who died today?
Philip Dallmann214
Writer:
No…Shaq. Shaq retired today and then a little bit of me died.
SLP:
Shaq?
Writer:
Yes. Shaq. In his honor I shall recite all of his former monikers.
Ahem. “Shaq", "The Diesel", "Shaq Fu", "The Big Daddy", "Superman", "The Big Agave",
"The Big Shaqtus", "The Big Galactus", "Wilt Chamberneezy", "The Big Baryshnikov", "The
Real Deal", "Dr. Shaq", "The Big Shamrock", "The Big Leprechaun", "Shaqovic", and "The
Big Conductor". Good Night Sweet Shaq-ince, Good Night.
Black Out.
6/4/2011 Super Low Blow
On stage a boyfriend and girlfriend are in their bedroom getting ready to go out on date night.
Boy:
Baby I’m thinking about becoming an X-Man.
Yeah? What’s your super power?
Girl:
Boy:
I don’t know… I was thinking maybe I’d learn how to fly, or teleport, or…
Or last more than 2 minutes in bed…
Girl:
Boy:
Damn.
Thanks. I’ll be here all week.
Girl:
Black Out.
6/5/2011 Unexpected Freedom With Out Directions
The Servant trudges onto stage. He stops about half way across to drink from his canteen
Master, how much farther?
Servant:
The Servant turns expecting to see his Master but he is nowhere to be seen.
Philip Dallmann215
Master? Master? Where are you? Hello?
Servant:
The Servant sits down.
Servant:
What do I do now? I’m free. I’m lost.
Black Out.
6/6/2011 5 Years After Acutane
A young couple walks by a wall they are back from a fancy evening out full of dinner and dancing.
Paul:
Do you remember when we first met right here?
Emily:
Yeah at camp.
Paul:
Yes I know it was at camp but do you remember when we first met?
Emily:
When you finally came to my musical theater class.
Paul:
No, it was weeks before that. You were standing (moving her) right here and I was over here.
You were talking to Elana and I was over here talking to David. When I saw you I realized I
hadn’t seen you up close before.
Yes you had.
Emily:
Paul:
Nope. It was always from a distance…and that’s when I realized you were hot.
Emily:
Stop it. My face was a wreck. I had just started Acutane.
Paul:
Nope. You were drop dead gorgeous in your standard issued red polo. I decided I was going
to come over and talk to you. Ya know…let you get lost in the baby blues.
That was your plan?
Emily:
Philip Dallmann216
Paul:
Yep. That was until you gave me a verbal beat-down.
I did not.
Emily:
Paul:
It was a tongue lashing if I had ever heard one. I believe the words “False Manliness”
“Overcompensating” and “Immature” were used within 30 seconds of each other.
Emily:
Well it was silly that you always avoided musical theater.
Paul:
I can see that now. Just think I could have had a whole-nother week with you.
Your loss.
Emily:
Paul:
Indeed…well it worked out. I dazzled you by dancing to “Love Potion Number 9” with a
bunch of 5 year olds.
Yes, yes you did.
I got a job offer in Chicago.
Emily:
Paul:
Emily:
What?
Paul:
Wait. Sorry. I’m doing this out of order. Ok. I got this. Emily.
Yes?
Emily.
Emily:
Paul:
Emily:
Yes?
Emily.
Paul:
Philip Dallmann217
Emily:
Are you just going to keep saying my name? I mean that’s fine during sex…but here it’s kind
of awkward.
Paul:
No…no…ok. Emily. Here’s the deal. No it’s not a deal….I mean…god I am awful at
speaking. OK. I love you.
I love you too.
Emily:
Paul:
No I really love you. I know it sounds cliché but you’re my world. If all I had in life was
being able to kiss you goodnight and wake up with you beside me I would be the happiest
man alive. It seems impossible but…but back then when you were chastising…
Teaching.
Emily:
Paul:
Ha ok…teaching me…all I could think right then was “I’m going to marry that girl”.
Ridiculous I know. I was 19 and you had boobs so I had no idea what I was talking about.
But 5 years later, I look at you in that same spot, more beautiful than I think I’ve ever seen
you and I know what I’m talking about. Emily I love you with every ounce of my being, with
every thought I think and with every word I speak. You’re all I want in the world…and I
promise you that if you let me I will spend the rest of my life working hard to make you as
happy as I am every time you smile. What I’m trying to say…or ramble is Emily, will you
marry me? and secondly will you move to Chicago with me?
Emily:
I…I don’t know what to say.
Paul:
Umm. Answering one of the 2 questions would be a good start. Either one is fine.
Yes.
To which one?
Emily:
Paul:
Emily:
To both. To you.
Black out.
Philip Dallmann218
6/7/2011Calling PETA on Mickey
Man and woman sit down to watch a movie on date night.
Man:
Hm. Lion King. Ya know I’ve never seen it?
Really? We should watch it.
All right.
Woman:
Man:
Passage of time, the couple cuddles on the couch.
Mufasa NOOOOOO!
Baby?
Man:
Woman:
Man:
What kind of sick kitty snuff film is this? Who made this? Disney? Oh I’m writing a
letter…and I’m calling PETA…AND I’M CALLING JOHNNY COCHRAN!
Man storms out.
Woman:
Johnny Cochran’s dead. That should be interesting.
Black Out.
6/8/2011 Should’ve Caught Nessie
On stage are two friends Bobby and Sean. They have a large cage covered in a sheet. Inside is Big Foot.
So now what do we do?
Sean:
Bobby:
I don’t know. What does one do when they catch Big Foot?
Sean:
Make awesome puns about needing big shoes?
Philip Dallmann219
Bobby:
No. Come on man. Get your head in the game. We have just revolutionized science. WE
have found Big Foot. The missing link. We have proved that he’s not a myth. I mean that’s
second only to actually riding Nessie.
Sean:
Come on man. Nessie?
SHE’S REAL!
Ok…Ok.
Sorry. Anyway, we need to strategize.
Bobby:
Sean:
Bobby:
Sean:
Right. Well we can’t really move him right now, we’d need a truck and some kind of lift.
Bobby:
Right. I’ll go into town and rent a UHaul and a dolly.
Ok. Wait. What if he gets out?
He wont get out.
Sean:
Bobby:
Sean:
I’m scared.
Don’t be.
But I am.
Fine. What will make him less scary?
Bobby:
Sean:
Bobby:
Sean:
Um. Let’s name him.
His name is Big Foot.
Bobby:
Philip Dallmann220
Sean:
No I mean like a proper name. Big Foot is like his villainous alter ego.
Fine. What do you want to name him?
Bobby:
Sean:
I like Javier.
Bobby:
Javier.
It gives him a little Latin flare for the ladies.
What ladies?
Sean:
Bobby:
Sean:
Well I imagine there must be someone he wants to procreate with?
Bobby:
Female Big Foot?
Sean:
I’m sure she has a proper name too…like Susan…or Shakwanda.
Bobby:
Right. Well now that he’s all named, are you OK with me going to get the truck?
Sean:
Yeah…I guess. I don’t see why I cant just come along.
Bobby:
Because I need you here just in case.
In case he gets out?
No I mean…just in case.
Sean:
Bobby:
Sean:
IF he gets out what the hell am I going to do besides soil myself and pass the fuck out?
Bobby:
Scream?
Philip Dallmann221
Sean:
We’re in the woods. No one will hear me scream. Oh god I just said that out loud. This is
the beginning of every horror movie.
Calm down.
Bobby:
Sean:
You calm down. I’m black, We’re always the first ones to go.
Bobby:
Listen, I will go take the sheet off the cage and you will see that he is securely locked up and
no horror movie is about to begin. OK?
Ok…
Sean:
Mike pulls the sheet off. There is no one inside of the cage.
What? Where did he go?
Bobby:
The lights go out.
Sean:
What the? Stop holding me man. It’s creepy in the dark.
I’m not touching you man.
HOLY SHIT!
Bobby:
Sean:
A tussle is heard.
Sean:
JAVIER NO!!! I’M NOT SHAKWANDA!!!!!
End of play in the Black.
6/9/2011 Hate versus Hate
A funeral processes across stage. After they pass the reverend Fred Phelps crosses in the same direction with a
picket sign in hand that says “God Hates Fags”. The KKK Grand Wizard races out past him.
KKK:
Woah. Where do you think you’re going?
Philip Dallmann222
FP:
To go let all of them know that queers are gonna burn in hell.
KKK:
Yeah we get that but he’s a soldier…don’t you think you should show a little respect.
FP:
He’s soldier for a country that lets those abominations run on the same ground as decent
people.
KKK:
Yeah that’s not OK. I mean he just died for your right to do this, and be who ever the hell
you are.
FP:
I’m THE reverend Fred Phelps. Who the hell are you?
KKK:
I’m the local grand wizard.
FP:
Ok Dumbledore I’m gonna need you to either make your own damn sign and join me or get
the hell out of my way.
Why would I join you?
He’s a negro.
KKK:
FP:
KKK:
Oh.
KKK grand wizard contemplates for a long moment.
KKK:
Ya know we may have done some awful things… but some things are just not OK.
Your loss.
FP:
Fred Phelps goes to walk to the funeral. The grand wizard takes off his hood and throws it over Fred
Phelps’s head, takes the picket sign and breaks it over his head.
KKK:
Dumbledore my ass… I’m fucking Voldemort.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann223
6/10/2011 Penis Polaroid
On stage our main character is writing in his apartment. He is constantly crumbling up paper and tossing it
near the trash can. A pile is accumulating. He throws one more but it is intercepted by black friend, who then
dunks it.
Kobe!
BF:
MC:
If I throw it down can I show “Kobe!”? Or do I need to shout “Dirk Nowitzki!”? Cause
that’s kind of long.
Well you could just shout “Bird!”
BF:
MC:
What about people with Ornithophobia? I don’t want to scare them.
Who has a phobia of birds?
…Not me…
Imagine being afraid of Big Bird? Ha.
BF:
MC:
BF:
MC (to himself):
He haunts my dreams.
What?
Nothing.
So what ya writing?
BF:
MC:
BF:
MC:
Currently nothing. I keep trying but I got nothing.
BF:
What happened to that TV pilot you were writing about 6 friends living in New York?
Philip Dallmann224
Great idea right?
MC:
BF:
Yeah I thought so. I mean it could have used a brotha…
MC:
Apparently it’s already been done. It won a bunch of Emmy’s or something.
BF:
Damn man I’m sorry.
MC:
Stupid shows with Stupid awesome Matthew Perry.
I do love Castaway. Wilson!
Not Matthew Perry.
BF:
MC:
BF:
What? Yes it is.
Nope. Definitely Tom Hanks.
Really?
Yep. They are both white though.
MC:
BF:
MC:
BF:
See I know they looked alike.
MC strolls away but abruptly jolts back to BF.
Maine!
Augusta.
MC:
BF:
MC:
State Capitol’d.
Philip Dallmann225
BF:
Nigga you know New England is my bread and butta.
Holla atcha boy.
What did we say about you saying that?
MC:
BF:
MC:
Nizzle.
Nizzle doesn’t mean no.
Nozzle?
BF:
MC:
BF stares at him.
MC:
Fine I’ll stozzle… aren’t you supposed to be at work?
BF:
I’m on my lunch. Besides I wanted to personally deliver this.
BF hands MC a Polaroid.
What is that? Is that me?
Uh huh…
Oh my god… is that your?
MC:
BF:
MC:
BF:
Yep…. You got dick slapped!
Dude not ok!
MC:
BF:
Don’t pass out on the couch next time then and leave yourself vulnerable.
Philip Dallmann226
MC:
Man that’s the same shit rapists say…and besides I’ll have you know I passed out here for a
very noble cause.
Drunk Star Wars Trilogy again?
Exactly.
How far did you get this time?
BF:
MC:
BF:
MC:
About ten minutes after they met Lando. Something about the smooth sound of Billy Dee’s
voice puts me to sleep every time.
BF:
A solid Saturday night.
MC:
Yeah well the girlfriend had to work late so it was either go out by myself and make new
friends or…
BF:
Or spend the night with your three best friends, pizza, beer, and Han Solo.
Exactly.
MC:
BF:
You should’ve called me. You knew I was out. We could’ve hit up the town.
MC:
Man no offense but I hate going out with you.
What?
BF:
MC:
Every time we go out you end up meeting some girl and I end up texting the girlfriend in the
corner as I drift into obscurity.
You don’t become obscure.
BF:
Philip Dallmann227
MC:
I immediately become Robin to your Batman when we’re out. Wait no that’s not even right I
immediately become Bruce Wayne’s Aunt from the Adam West Batman that isn’t mentioned
in any other comic or movie. That’s how fucking obscure I get.
BF:
Don’t hate the player.
A gorgeous young woman exits the bedroom. BF walks over to her and kisses her.
Call me.
Girl:
BF:
Of course.
She exits.
MC:
How long was she in there? I’ve been home all morning. I thought I was home alone. No
fuck that noise I’m gonna hate the player. I don’t give a fuck what Ice T says I’m gonna hate
the player. Hot damn dude…
I know that’s right.
Wait what time did you get back? Was I…?
BF:
MC:
BF:
Sloppy roommate on the couch? Yeah. But no worries I just told her your dog died and that
I had bought you the beer and your favorite movie and that made me sensitive gonna get
laid roommate.
Glad to be of service.
MC:
BF:
I don’t know what you’re complaining about. You’re the one with the girlfriend getting it on
the regular.
MC:
Yeah…not so much.
Say what?
BF:
Philip Dallmann228
MC:
Yeah… I mean it happens…sometimes…it’s just she says I’m not romantic or seductive
enough when I…ya know… initiate things.
Well how do you “initiate” things?
BF:
MC:
Well I usually get naked and say wanna do it?
Seriously?
BF:
MC:
….No…Maybe…
BF:
Alright man let me give you a quick tutorial on how to seduce and romance a woman in
under 2 minutes… I called it the Black Guy Smooth method.
Original title.
Do you wanna have sex?
Not with you.
MC:
BF:
MC:
BF:
Shut up and come over here. Alright. It’s real simple. You take the girl’s hand like this, spin
her like you’re dancing and pull her close like this. Then you look in her eyes say…
GF enters.
BF:
You know…I am the luckiest guy in the world. I have no idea what I did for God to send
you to me. Then you lean in just like this…
Ahem.
GF:
MC and BF freeze.
GF:
You know I had a nightmare once that the two of you were going to run away together like
this to Mexico.
You see what had happened was…
BF:
Philip Dallmann229
GF:
Is that a picture of your penis?
No. Maybe. It’s your penis.
BF:
GF:
And it’s on my boyfriend’s face. Yeah…that’s about right.
MC grabs GF’s hand and spins her with out any grace.
MC:
I am the luckiest gu….
GF:
Not gonna happen.
GF walks away.
MC:
Damn Penis Polaroid.
Black Out.
6/11/2011 A Spy Scorned
On stage is the office of MI-6. James Bond enters with Money Penny sitting at her desk and M in the
adjoining room.
Welcome back 007.
MP:
007:
Money-Penny.
MP:
M is waiting for you in the conference room.
Thank you.
007:
James walks into the conference room where M is sitting with stacks of papers.
Hello James.
M:
Philip Dallmann230
M. What’s all that?
Take a wild guess.
New terrorist activity?
007:
M:
007:
M:
No. Close though. Some might call it terrorism. I call it your expense report.
Well you know I always deliver results.
007:
M:
Yes but you just cost the government 25 million dollars. Tell me how did you sink a boat in
the Sahara? Hmm? Or how about why we’re getting sued for sexual harassment by seemingly
every woman working for the Brazilian government?
007:
Well results…can be expensive…and extensive.
Sigh. You’re fired.
What?
M:
007:
M:
You cost us more than an actual terrorist attack would. And I bet they would at least call me
back after 4 nights in Fiji.
007:
M…
Goodbye 007. Oh I do have one question.
Yes?
M:
007:
M:
There’s a charge of bestiality involving a rhino in Ghana…
007:
You don’t want to know…some women…well they want certain things.
Philip Dallmann231
M Exits. Q enters.
Q:
007.
007:
Q.
Q:
Why so down?
007:
M just fired me.
Q:
She just fired you?
007:
Yes.
Q:
You mean you won’t get to wreck anymore of my cars or gadgets?
007:
I guess not.
Q:
WOOOOOOO!
Q strips down and runs circles naked. 007 shoots him. M re-enters.
Here’s my license to kill. It had to be done.
007:
007 exits.
Black out.
6/12/2011 The Price To EGOT
On stage a young Whoopi Goldberg says her nightly prayers.
Whoopi:
Dear God…I will do anything if you let me win an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony.
God Appears.
Anything?
God:
Philip Dallmann232
Whoopi:
…Yes.
God:
I require only two things.
Whoopi:
Anything.
God:
One. That you spend more than 1 year on the same television show as Joy Behar.
Whoopi:
I…Ok. What’s the other thing?
God:
Your eyebrows. The Holy Spirit just burned his off taunting Satan…we’ll just say
inappropriately.
Whoopi:
Deal.
God:
Pleasure doing business with you. Happy EGOT’ing.
Black Out.
6/13/2011 A Civilian Patriotic Reminder
7 people, a mix of races and genders and talent levels come onto stage and sing the national anthems with all
taking at least one phrase as a solo. They move into America The Beautiful and then God Bless America.
As all of this is going on two people on either side of the stage read the names of those fallen in the “War on
Terror”. The list is very long and should continue after the song is done. At the end a child recites The
Preamble, lays a single rose on the floor and says:
“ Thank you Daddy”.
Black out.
6/14/2011 Little Man’s Initiation
A young man is on stage waiting to be initiated into a gang. A man known as Big Boy enters.
Yo you ready?
Yeah man. I’m ready.
Big Boy:
Little Man:
Philip Dallmann233
Big Boy:
Alright all you gotta do is go in there and last 5 minutes, then you’re in.
Little Man:
5 minutes? No problem. I’ve never lost a fight in under five minutes.
Alright man go for it.
Big Boy:
Little Man runs off stage.
Bring it bitches! .....Oh god. What the…?
Little Man:
Intense laughter is heard intermixed with screams of “Stop!”.
Little Man crawls back onto stage.
You just got tickled nigga.
Big Boy:
Black Out.
6/15/2011 Those Who Sit Highest Shall Laugh
A man and his daughter are sitting on stage. Behind them is projected a down pour. Thunder is heard in the
distance. She twitches at the sound of thunder.
Father:
Don’t be scared. It’s just thunder.
I’m not scared. I’m never scared.
Oh really?
Yup. I love the rain.
Because it gets your clothes all muddy?
Daughter:
Father:
Daughter:
Father:
Philip Dallmann234
Daughter:
No. Well yes but also because I like to think that when it rains it’s cause someone told God a
joke and he’s laughing SOOO hard that he’s crying a little like you do during those caveman
commercials.
Father:
Rain is God’s laughter? Hm I like that. You’re very smart Emily.
I know.
Ha.
I get it from you silly.
Daughter:
Father:
Daughter:
Father:
Come here.
He picks her up and spins her around. Lights fade on the pair. There is a flash of light, the sound of
screeching tires, a crash, a siren, and finally a flat line. As the lights rise slowly the backdrop is a dreary
gray…devoid of life. Amazing Grace is heard in the distance. Father enters in a suit, slightly disheveled, and
holding a single rose. His face is worn by several days worth of tears. He begins talking to the heavens.
Father:
It’s not fair you know? She was all I had. We were all each other had. What kind of a plan is
that? Take a man’s hope… You know she trusted you. She heard the pastor once say that
Everything Happens For A Reason. She really believed it too. Anytime anything remotely
bad happened she would just say out loud that everything happens for a reason. What is the
reason here? Hm? What the hell could be the reason for you to take her now? Before she
even learned to drive, before she had her first kiss, first prom, her wedding, my grandkids?
WHERE’S THE REASON!?!?! The sad thing is Emily would know just what to do right
now to make it ok. She’d smile at me and pat my hand, or sing the little bit of what ever
song she had just learned off the radio…or tell me a really awful joke…she knows how
much I love bad jokes…like “How did the GhostBusters catch the Ghost?” “ With a BOOby trap”. Ha…
The skies open up flooding the stage. A flash of lightning is seen behind with a strong clap of thunder. The
man’s gaze is fixated at the heavens. A slight smile crosses his face as he finds his daughter in the sky.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann235
6/16/2011 What Not To Text
On stage a man enters as theme music plays for the show “What Not To Text”. He sits on a stool with a
handful of note cards in his hand.
Host:
Welcome to today’s show of What Not To Text. Now we here on what not to text know
how difficult it is to decide what really is appropriate to send in a text and to whom. So we
are here to help. Our first question comes from FrenchPG from San Antonio. He asks “ Is it
ok for me to send texts like “I want to make passionate love to you” to my teammate’s wife
with out telling my wife?”. Good question TP and the answer is no, not a good idea.
Especially if your wife was number 9 in Maxim’s Hot 100. Moving on. BuddhaWoods asks
“How many women other than your wife is it OK to sext at one time?” Fantastic question
TW. The answer is none. If your wife is a Swedish super model and mother of your children
you should be sexting no one. If you are and she takes a nine iron to your Escalade you
deserve it. Final question. WeinerSen asks “ When is it OK to send a girl a picture of your
penis?” Wow this episode is full of thought provoking questions. The answer Senator is
never. Unless you are a charming President from Arkansas infidelity will get your ass fired. A
note to all viewers… more discreet screen names might not be the worst idea ever. Just a
thought. Anyway that’s all for today. Tomorrow on What Not To Text we learn what is not
OK to text anyone under the age of 18 with Chris Hanson. See you tomorrow and
remember Think Before You Text.
Black Out.
6/17/2011 Daytime is the loneliest
The Sun and The Moon have a drink.
Sun:
Hey you wanna switch?
What do you mean?
I mean you take the days and I take nights?
Moon:
Sun:
Moon:
Then wouldn’t it just make night time day and daytime night?
Sun:
Oh. Yeah. Daytime is so lonely…
Moon:
Yeah it’s nice having the stars…sucks to be you.
Black Out.
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6/18/2011 House-formers
A man watches TV as his wife folds clothes.
Man:
What if all our appliances were really transformers?
Have you started smoking weed again?
Woman:
Man:
What? No. I’m serious. What if our microwave and fridge and…I don’t know toaster, were
all transformers?
Woman:
Would the toaster be like the toaster from Brave Little Toaster?
I hope not.
Man:
Woman:
Why? That toaster was cute.
Man:
There is nothing cute about transformers. Would you call Optimus Prime cute? I don’t think
so. He would destroy you.
Fine. Sorry I called the toaster cute.
Woman:
Man:
I wonder if I would be able to organize them to take out that little douche Shia LeBeouf?
Woman:
Now you leave Shia alone. HE is adorable.
Man:
No. No. He almost ruined Indiana Jones. That is a capitol offense.
Woman:
Fine if you send the toaster, fridge, and microwave after him, I will send the oven, the
vacuum, and the lawn mower after you. How you like me now bitch?
Did you just call me bitch?
Man:
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You heard me.
I love you.
I love Shia.
Woman:
Man:
Woman:
Black Out.
6/19/2011 Artistic Masturbation
2 people discuss theatre and the theatrical audience.
1:
I just feel like they need to hear about the artist’s struggle, ya know? The pain and anguish
that we go through everyday for our craft.
Yeah…no.
What?
2:
1:
2:
There’s really no reason for us to “struggle” for our art. I mean why can’t we just get jobs
and work for a little while and save money so that we don’t have to be “starving artists”?
1:
Because that’s selling out.
2:
Is it though? I mean I love the theatre, it’s my world but I feel like I can love it more and
focus on it more if I’ve take care of my business and am living comfortably. I’m not saying
save so much you’re going to live extravagantly but ya know…enough so that you have
cable.
1:
That’s all well and good but to keep pushing our art and our audience we need them to feel
what we feel and what it’s like to face constant rejection and the countless hours we put into
every role.
2:
No they don’t. They all have hard jobs too. They all face rejection. They all know what it’s
like to work really hard at something. What you’re talking about is really just artistic
masturbation. “Ohh we’re so artsy and it’s so hard being us lets just jerk each other off”.
Theatre doesn’t have to all dark and brooding or even be life changing. It can really just be
Philip Dallmann238
entertaining. Sometimes people just need a good laugh or to hear someone who can really
sing. I mean that’s a part of theatre and I think it’s naïve and close minded of you and
everyone else to sit around and belittle that kind of theatre.
Well…
And boom goes the dynamite.
1:
2:
Black Out.
6/20/2011 Running through my Veins
A man is lying on the ground. There are needles all around and the rubber is still around his arm from
shooting up. He lies there in a cold sweat. He is surrounded by darkness. A man and a little boy enter. He
stirs. He stands up, barely able to hold himself up, and faces the duo. The chaperone puts his hand out. The
man in this moment must decide whether to move forward with his son and leave this life behind or give into
his needs. It is a decision that hits at the core of his being. To care for his family or to care for the need that
flows through his entire body now. In a moment, that to him and his son feels like hours in the making, he
decides.
Black Out.
6/21/2011 Fuck Scott Brosius
C & S discuss sports.
C:
You know I don’t think there’s a harder existence than being a Cubs fan. It is the most
heartbreaking of existences.
How about being a Mariners fan?
What’s tough about that?
S:
C:
S:
Well besides the face that we’ve never been to a World Series much less won ONE which
the Cubs have, our best chance when we had 2 hall of famers in Ken Griffey and Randy
Johnson the fucking Yankees decided to buy 4 championships with god damn Derek Jeter
and FUCKING SCOTT BROSIUS!
Yeah but…
C:
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S:
I’m not done. AND as a Chicago fan you at least have championships from the Bulls and
Blackhawks. WE JUST HAD OUR BASKETBALL TEAM STOLEN! Stupid Oklahoma
hicks. Don’t even deserve a basketball team. And what do we have left? Starbucks. How are
we supposed to drown our sorrows in Starbucks? All we can do now is watch people throw
fish around at Pike Place or go out on Lake Washington and be jealous of Bill Gates and
Kenny G’s houses.
The Seahawks went to a Super Bowl…
C:
S:
Where the Refs handed the game to Pittsburgh and their ridiculous amount of bridges. They
exceed the quota of bridges going into a city. Besides… no one really cares about the
Seahawks.
Fine. It sucks to be in Seattle.
Thank you. That’s all I wanted.
Glad I could help.
C:
S:
C:
S:
So you wanna grab a coffee?
Sure there’s a Starbucks down the street.
I do love me some Caramel Machiodos.
C:
C:
Black Out.
6/22/2011 Get Rid of Brown Hair but Keep the Black People
A Boss and Employee discuss new business strategies.
Boss:
If I said that I wanted to fire all the brown haired people would that make me like Hitler?
Do you only want blondes to work here?
Employee:
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Boss:
No… I mean I like black people and their hair is black right? I mean naturally, not when
they attach horse hair to their heads.
I have no idea.
Employee:
Boss:
Right…well they could stay…and so could the red heads…I find them amusing. I have a
theory about them ya know?
What’s that?
Employee:
Boss:
Red heads are either absolutely stunning or really fucking ugly. There’s no in between when
it comes to them.
Hm. Interesting theory.
Employee:
Boss:
So if I just fire the brown haired people but not the gingers and black people I’m good right?
Do you really care what I think?
Employee:
Nope you brown haired freak. You’re fired.
Probably for the best.
Boss:
Employee:
Boss:
Yeah…this place will probably go in the shitter once I fire Tommy…even if he’s only got
remnants of that god awful brown guck.
Employee:
Yep.
Boss:
So…we’re done here. If you wanna dye your hair and reapply you’re more than welcome…
I’m good.
Employee:
Black Out.
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6/23/2011 He’s Back
On stage a man sits with a few friends having a beer. He is not too disheveled but he has lost that extra hop
and confidence he once had. A woman enters with a very similar looking man. He how ever does have that
confidence.
Soul Sucking Woman:
Here ya go. Sorry I kept him so long.
Best Friend:
There he is.
See I knew she took him.
Well I’m back so you can just go.
Yeah… I think I will.
Girl 1:
The Real Man:
The Defeated Man:
Defeated Man exits.
The Real Man:
Fantastic. So karaoke tonight? Or dance party?
Good to have you back buddy.
Best Friend:
The Real Man:
Oh!
He grabs Girl 2 and kisses her passionately.
Now I’m back.
The Real Man:
Black Out.
6/24/2011 Early Advertising
On stage a woman is in labor. She is surrounded by her husband, 2 nurses, and her doctor. After a moment
or two the baby is born.
Would you like to cut the chord?
Doctor:
The father cuts the chord.
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Doctor:
Here ya go. This birth was brought to you by Ford – “Built Ford Tough” and Verizon
Wireless – “ Can you hear me now?”.
Black Out.
6/25/2011 Little Name Change
On stage Little John and Robin Hood discuss a change.
LJ:
You know… I was thinking about changing my nickname.
Why? Everyone knows you as Little John.
RH:
LJ:
But… I don’t know… I want something a little more epic. I mean you have Robin Hood…
it’s already cool.
OK but Little John is fine.
RH:
LJ:
But let’s be serious. There really isn’t much little about me.
Right. It’s ironic.
RH:
LJ:
Yeah but it’s killing me with the ladies. You know women don’t understand irony.
Fine. What were you thinking?
RH:
LJ:
I have it down to Jurassic John and Metta World Peace.
Those are your 2 options?
Yep.
I think Metta World Peace is taken.
RH:
LJ:
RH:
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LJ:
Damn. Jurassic John it is.
RH:
Cool. I’m going to give you a super nickname and just call you John.
LJ:
Cool.
Black Out.
6/26/2011 A Dog Can’t Take All The Blame
On stage a woman and man are sitting and watching a movie. Their dog is sitting on the floor in front of the
couch. The man has just passed gas.
Woman:
Ew. Ben was that you?
Man:
No. Must’ve been Rocky. That dog has some nasty gas.
Dog:
Hell no it wasn’t me. That’s some straight up stank that just came out yo ass. I’m going
outside so I don’t choke on it.
Dog begins to exits.
Dog:
Oh and also I wasn’t the one who broke your grandmother’s dining ware set.
The Dog gives a “mmhmm” look to Woman before exiting.
Black Out.
6/27/2011 Stumbling Through Rubble
A man and woman run into each other outside of a grocery store one year later.
Natalie:
Michael?
Natalie?
Michael:
Philip Dallmann244
Natalie:
Hey.
Hey.
Michael:
Natalie:
How are you?
Michael:
I’m good. I’m good. How are you? I almost didn’t recognize you your hair has gotten so
long.
Natalie:
I’m good. Yeah I decided to grow it out last year.
Michael:
Very cool. You did always say you wanted to do that.
Natalie:
Yeah… so do you live here now?
Michael:
Oh no. No I’m just in town visiting some of the guys. They sent me on a beer run.
Natalie:
Haha makes sense. Where are you at now?
I’m actually living in Seattle.
Seattle? Really?
Michael:
Natalie:
Michael:
Yeah. I opened my own architecture firm out there.
Natalie:
I guess some has to build things to keep people out of the rain.
Ha something like that.
Well that’s great.
Michael:
Natalie:
Michael:
Yep…how about you? What are you up to besides growing your hair?
Philip Dallmann245
Natalie:
You know this and that. I’m still working at Stafford and Allen and living with Michelle in
Newtown.
Very cool.
Yep.
Michael:
Natalie:
Michael:
Well listen I gotta run but it was good to see you.
You too.
If you’re ever in Seattle give me a call.
Number still the same?
Natalie:
Michael:
Natalie:
Michael:
Absolutely.
I will have to do that then.
I’ll look forward to it.
Bye.
Natalie:
Michael:
Natalie:
Michael:
Bye.
Black out.
Philip Dallmann246
6/28/2011 Bitch is Crazy
3 Guys discuss women of years past.
1:
You know we should really stop calling every girl we used to date crazy,
2:
Yeah… I suppose so.
3:
It’s a nice excuse though for why we aren’t dating said girl though.
1:
Yeah I guess.
2:
Some of them are crazy too.
All:
Katrina.
1:
Ok. So from now on unless a girl is Katrina crazy we can’t call her crazy.
3:
Deal.
2:
I’m still missing my right thumbnail.
Black Out.
6/29/2011 A Midsummer Night’s Acorn
2 Squirrels discuss the finer things.
George:
I really prefer Marlowe to Shakespeare.
I really prefer your mom.
Classy Derek. Classy.
Derek:
George:
Derek:
No I really like the idea that they’re the same person.
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George:
That’s ridiculous.
Derek:
Is it though? I mean there was barely a whisper about Shakespeare before Marlowe was
“murdered” and the guy who ID’d Marlowe’s body had never met him. 5 months later some
guy names Shakespeare roles up with a Marlowe/French flavor. It’s really not a huge stretch
and it makes a much better story.
Why is that a better story?
George:
Derek:
Cause otherwise Shakespeare is just a guy who left his wife and kids out in the cold to move
to London AKA a deadbeat dad.
George:
I never really thought about it like that.
Derek:
I know you didn’t. You’re very closed minded George. I mean what did you eat for dinner
yesterday?
Acorns.
And today?
Acorns.
George:
Derek:
George:
Derek:
See? You gotta expand your horizons.
George:
Derek. We’re squirrels. All you eat are acorns too.
That’s different.
How is that even remotely different?
Derek:
George:
Derek:
I don’t know. I don’t teach classes on how similar things are actually really different.
Philip Dallmann248
You don’t teach period.
I taught you how to break dance.
Yeah OK but…
George:
Derek:
George:
Derek:
Nope. I’m right. Give me your acorns fool.
Derek takes George’s acorns and runs away.
It’s fine. I licked them all anyway!
George:
Black Out.
6/30/2011 My Brother’s Unique Perspective
A brother and sister have a beer in the family barn.
Mike:
So I finally told Dad I don’t want to work at the shop after college.
Yeah? How’d he take that?
Vicki:
Mike:
All right I guess. He definitely seemed a little disappointed but he said that I should do what
I love, that’s what he did.
Vicki:
Well good. I mean you got that out of the way now, what are you going to do after college?
Mike:
Who knows… I feel like every almost college grad feels like that. I have absolutely no idea
what I want to do or even what I’m going to do.
Vicki:
Well you don’t have to right now. You’re young, you’ve got time.
Yeah you’re right. You’re very wise for 18.
I’m very wise for any age.
Mike:
Vicki:
Philip Dallmann249
Mike:
And modest. So what’s going on with my baby sister?
Vicki:
Not a lot. I just finished my college applications.
Good.
Yeah…so we’ll see.
Mike:
Vicki:
Mike:
Any boys I need to beat up?
Ha no. No boys…
Well you just let me know.
Vicki:
Mike:
The air becomes thick in an instant.
Mike?
Yeah?
I’m gay.
Vicki:
Mike:
Vicki:
Mike:
I’m sorry?
I’m..gay…a lesbian.
I…
Vicki:
Mike:
Mike:
Well I guess I never have to worry about you getting pregnant.
Vicki:
…no, no you don’t. That’s not the reaction I was expecting.
Seconds feel like hours.
Philip Dallmann250
Mike:
Well…I mean I still need to wrap my head around this, but if that’s what makes you happy.
It does.
You haven’t told Ma or Dad yet have you?
No… I don’t know if I should.
Yeah…that will be a tough one to read.
Vicki:
Mike:
Vicki:
Mike:
Vicki:
Yeah…you know this doesn’t change anything right? I’m still me.
Yeah I know…
Mike:
Vicki:
There are no super butch hair cuts in my future or flannel shirts.
I’m glad you told me Vicki.
Mike:
Vicki:
Yeah…me too.
Black Out.
7/1/2011 Not Yet…but Some Day
Light hits the stage almost gingerly. It is daybreak. As the light trickles into the room we see a queen sized
bed with a woman asleep. We begin to hear music… a piano. As the room becomes dimly lit we see a man
sitting at the piano. He is scribbling notes on some sheet music. When he is done writing he takes in the
room. He begins to play. As he plays the woman slowly awakes. At the end he slides into bed next to her
and kisses her.
I call that Nina.
Artist:
Nina:
Yeah?
Philip Dallmann251
Yeah.
Artist:
Suddenly several people dressed in suits storm the stage and take the bed, furniture, and Nina. They leave
our artist with a mattress, a few scattered pieces of music, and a piano.
Not yet.
Man:
Artist:
Someday.
The last man exits. The artist gathers a few papers and sits down at the piano. He breathes in what just
left…and begins to play.
Black Out.
7/2/2011 Stitched
The following should be done in some kind of shadow work. A woman with thread and a needle begins to
assemble scattered body parts back into a man. She is very careful with her work and we feel her investment
in each stitch. She finishes.
Woman:
See I told you there weren’t too many pieces.
Black out.
7/3/2011 Early Arrival
A man walks a woman to her door. They kiss.
Emily.
Mm yes?
Matt:
Emily:
Matt:
I… ha sorry I’m bad at this.
What’s up Matt?
Emily:
Matt:
I just wanted to tell you… I think I’m falling for you.
Oh.
Emily:
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Matt:
You don’t have to say anything back. I just have been thinking it for a little while and I
figured I should tell you.
Emily:
Uh huh.
Matt:
Something more elaborate than “Oh” and “Uh huh” would be good though.
Emily:
Of course…I mean yeah you’re right. FUCK!
I’m sorry?
Matt:
Emily:
What? No. I’m just mad.
Ok…
Matt:
Emily:
Not at you. At myself or really the universe.
What did the universe do to you?
Matt:
Emily:
It sent you too early.
Come again?
Matt:
Emily:
I’m not ready for someone to fall for me. I have things I want to do. I want to travel, I want
to meet new people, I want to get a Master’s and maybe a Doctorate.
Matt:
You can do all of those things with someone.
Emily:
Not effectively and not all of them. Eventually marriage, kids, college funds…they all get in
the way. And I’m not saying I don’t want all of those things because I do. Just not yet. Not
for awhile.
Philip Dallmann253
Matt:
Hm.
Emily:
I’m sorry. You really are perfect for me…just perfect for me in 5 to 10 years. I should go.
I’m really sorry.
She kisses him.
Emily:
If you’re still looking to fall for someone in sevenish years…goodbye.
She goes into her house and closes the door.
Black Out.
7/4/2011 Pitching in on The Writer’s Light Work
On stage The Writer and Suzan Lori-Parks continue their battle of wits.
The Writer:
I think I wrote my patriotic play too early.
The list of fallen soldiers?
SLP:
The Writer:
Yeah…and the one where Ben Franklin has syphilis and is belligerent.
SLP:
Oh I actually liked that one.
Really?
The Writer:
SLP:
No. Have you forgotten I have a Pulitzer Prize? Your writing is like the 2 and a half men to
my Seinfeld…or the WNBA to just about anything including curling.
The Writer:
The WNBA makes me sad. Anyway…sticks and stones…and all that.
Stones? I just threw Stonehenge at you.
SLP:
The Writer:
You know I highly doubt you’re this mean in real life.
Philip Dallmann254
SLP:
Probably not. My oppressive qualities here just make for a better character. You got
something on your shirt.
He looks.
SLP:
MADE YOU LOOK! SUCKA!
The Writer sits down and scribbles.
SLP:
What are you doing?
Wait for it…Wait for it…Wait…
The Writer:
He put his pen down. Molly Pitcher enters.
The Writer:
Molly. Do you mind handling my light work?
Molly Pitcher:
This? Chump change compared to the fuckin Red Coats.
SLP:
You and your damn historical characters.
SLP runs for it. Molly picks up a colonial style rifle and follows. The Writer sits back down and begins to
write.
Black Out.
7/5/2011 Smooth Criminal
On stage is a cubicle. Emma is at her desk. Terri enters.
Terri:
Emma did you hear?
Hear what?
Emma:
Terri:
They found that Casey Anthony woman not guilty.
Emma:
Really? How? I mean it seemed pretty clear to me that she did it.
Philip Dallmann255
Terri:
Me too. I don’t know how stuff like this happens.
Emma:
Makes me wonder….
The stage is transported to a court room. Casey Anthony’s lawyer addresses the court.
Lawyer:
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury. If my client killed her daughter how could she do this?
Casey Anthony gets up and does a hybrid intense musical theater tap/flash dance/dirty dancing, routine.
When she finishes everyone in the court room stands and applauds. The Foreman of the Jury stands.
Foreman:
Clearly anyone who can dance like that couldn’t be guilty of anything but having too much
talent.
Applause erupts again. The court room disappears and we are back at the cubicle.
Terri:
Emma?
Hm?
Emma:
Terri:
You said I wonder and then just kind of started staring off into space.
Oh. Nothing. Just a passing thought.
Emma:
Terri:
All right. I’ll see you at happy hour.
Terri exits.
Emma:
I bet you that bitch danced her way out…they all do.
Black out.
Philip Dallmann256
7/6/2011 Knives but No Wolverine
3 Men share beers and enlightened discussion.
Fun question.
Ok.
1:
3:
1:
If you had to pick one TV host for a battle royal who would it be?
2:
Does it have to be a late night host?
1:
No, anyone who has hosted any show regularly.
So no award show hosts.
Right.
3:
1:
3:
Damn I was going to pick Hugh Jackman…he was fucking Wolverine.
Danny Bonaduce.
What? What did he host?
The Other Half.
2:
3:
2:
3:
That’s not a show.
Google it.
2:
1:
He’s right…Wikipedia says it was the male version of The View.
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3:
Ha speaking of The View …I pick Star Jones. She would eat anyone. Just look in her eyes.
You know that bitch is hungry.
1:
Well I hate to disappoint all of you but I have the winner. Drum roll please. No? Fine. I’m
still going to kick your asses with Linda Ellerbee.
2:
The Nickelodeon lady?
1:
Yep. Youtube that shit. She’s got serial killer eyes.
1’s Wife peers in from the other room.
W:
Hey honey, just wanted to let you know I’m home.
Hey babe… pick a TV host for a battle royal.
Easy. Hugh Jackman.
1:
W:
3:
No award show hosts.
I picked Danny Bonaduce.
Star Jones.
Linda Ellerbee.
2:
3:
1:
W:
Ooo good call. She has serial killer eyes. Hmm. Someone who could beat all of them…oh of
course. George Lopez.
2:
George Lopez?
W:
He’s Mexican like me so I know he will have at least 4 knives on him.
W exits.
Philip Dallmann258
1:
I love my wife.
3:
Onto more important matters…why were you watching a show called The Other Half?
You see…what had happened was…
2:
Black Out.
7/7/2011 Our Dreams
A Patient has a session with her Psychiatrist.
Doctor:
So you say you are having this reoccurring dream about pushing your daughter out a window
because you thought she had wings but she didn’t and she plummets to her death?
Exactly. What do you think it means?
In my clinical professional opinion?
Patient:
Doctor:
Patient:
Yes.
Doctor:
You’re a fucking nut job. Dreams are our subconscious. Clearly you want to injure your
daughter...so...ya know…don’t. But simply put you’re bat shit crazy.
Stands up and addresses the audience.
Doctor:
Man I wish I could say shit like that with out getting my license revoked. Instead I have to
do this.
Doctor sits back down with the Patient.
Doctor:
So you say you are having this reoccurring dream about pushing your daughter out a window
because you thought she had wings but she didn’t and she plummets to her death?
Philip Dallmann259
Exactly. What do you think it means?
In my clinical professional opinion?
Patient:
Doctor:
Patient:
Yes.
Doctor:
I think we should explore the relationship between you and your daughter. I think you really
want success for her and worry you haven’t given her the tools. Maybe a family session?
Patient:
That would be great.
Good. We’ll schedule that for next week.
Doctor:
Patient:
Thanks so much doctor.
Doctor:
Of course…
Patient exits.
Doctor:
Nut job.
Black Out.
7/8/2011 Give’em to GoodWill
A man sits on the couch while his wife is in the other room preparing dinner.
Hey baby?
Yeah?
Man:
Woman:
Man:
So you think I should just go ahead and try and sell my testicles?
Woman:
Eh why not? You don’t use them anyway.
Philip Dallmann260
That’s what I was thinking.
I’ll go get them out of my purse.
Thanks baby.
Man:
Woman:
Man:
Black Out.
7/9/2011 Fork in the Road
A moment in the car.
Turn at the fork in the road.
I see the fork.
1:
2:
1:
You’re a fork.
No. I’m a motha-fuckin spoon.
Wanna buy some cream cheese?
How much?
2:
1:
2:
1:
$5
A long moment passes.
No.
2:
Black out.
Philip Dallmann261
7/10/2011 Follow Benny
The Master is sitting on stage eating popcorn. The Servant enters.
Servant:
Master! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.
I am here.
Master:
Servant:
I know…but I was there. I was very confused.
Master:
I’m sure.
I didn’t know what to do.
What did you do?
I went looking for you.
I see.
Servant:
Master:
Servant:
Master:
Servant:
What did you do?
I am watching The Sandlot.
Oh.
Master:
Servant:
The Servant sits down next to The Master and tries to see what he sees.
Black out.
Philip Dallmann262
7/11/2011 Someone Else’s Cradle
We are at a bar outside of Boston. It’s not crowded but also not empty. Karaoke night. We here the end of a
kid rapping Jay Z’s “99 Problems”.
Host:
Next up we have Mike singing “Cat in the Cradle”.
Mike does an admirable job with the song and then retakes his seat at the bar. A man, Bill, who is sitting
across from his strikes up a conversation.
Good job.
Thanks.
Bill:
Mike:
Bill:
I really like that song.
Me too.
Mike:
Bill:
I have a similar situation going on with my son right now.
I’m sorry to hear that.
Mike:
Bill:
Yeah… I’m in the middle of a divorce. He doesn’t really understand. I’m trying to get a
restraining order lifted.
Mike:
How old is he?
6.
Bill:
Mike:
Ah so yeah it’s hard for kids that age to grasp that kinda stuff.
Bill:
Yeah. His mom has a boyfriend already, I don’t want him callin anyone else Dad.
Mike:
I’m sure it’ll be all right…
Philip Dallmann263
Bill:
I don’t know how I let this happen…I just got behind on bills…they just piled up…and I
guess people grow apart…or things like that just put a strain on marriages…
Mike:
My best advice. Patience. Everything happens for a reason. It just takes time to see why.
Bill:
Yeah…well I’m trying to cut back on drinkin this stuff…so maybe that’s a step. I’m Bill.
Mike.
Mike:
Bill:
Good talking to you Mike.
You too, Bill. Keep ya head up.
Yeah…
Mike:
Bill:
Bill downs the rest of his beer. As he drinks the bar disappears. In front of his is his son with a baseball
glove.
C’mon Dad throw it.
Son:
Bill looks for a ball. A man enters and throws a ball to the son.
Good catch son.
Thanks Dad.
Man:
Son:
Man:
All right go long. I’m going to throw the highest pop fly ever.
The Son runs off as the Man throws the ball.
Aw. I think it landed over there.
Man:
Man exits. Bill is broken in half. He slides a small pistol out of his jacket and looks it over. His loss floods
the stage and spills through the theatre.
Philip Dallmann264
Black Out. Gun Shot.
7/12/2011 Rain Clouds Can Be A Pain In The Ass
Piglet and Pooh sit under a tree.
Piglet:
Puh-puh-puh Pooh Bear why don’t we go see Eeyore.
Pooh:
Well that sounds delightful Piglet. Maybe he has some honey.
Piglet and Pooh cross the stage to Eeyore who is in a shadow.
Hi Pooh Bear. Hi Piglet.
Eeyore:
Pooh:
Hello Eeyore. You don’t happen to have a jar of honey do you?
No.
Wuh-wuh-wuh-why so sad Eeyore?
Eeyore:
Piglet:
Eeyore:
Seriously? Well it’s a toss up. A toss up between the nail that is jammed in my ass holding
my tail on or this damn rain cloud that follows me around and gives me a cold every other
week. (To the cloud) WHY DON’T YOU GO FIND CHARLIE BROWN?!?!
Pooh:
I think Piglet…perhaps we should go look elsewhere for honey.
Pooh and Piglet walk away.
Eeyore:
Oh yeah just leave. Don’t try and help or anything…god forbid you do anything but stuff
your face with honey…gonna get fuckin diabetes…
It begins to rain.
That’s about right.
Eeyore:
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann265
7/13/2011 Knowing the Unknown
We are in a doctor’s office. A man with his wife awaits test results.
I hate waiting.
It’ll be all right.
Man:
Wife:
Man:
No I know…it’s just the unknown that bothers me.
Wife:
Yeah…
Doctor enters.
How’s it lookin doc?
Man:
Doc:
It’s not what we were hoping for.
OK…
Man:
Doc:
It has progressed much farther than we initially though.
Prognosis?
Man:
Doc:
10 months.
OK.OK. Treatment options?
Man:
Doc:
There are a few…mostly new unproven options.
Man:
All right. Well…now we know what we’re dealing with. Let’s get it. No need to cry baby. We
haven’t lost anything yet. We just started.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann266
7/14/2011 Rate of Escalation
We are in the small house of a young couple. The Man has just got home from his second job, while The
Woman got home from her job an hour ago and is preparing dinner. Ham is on the menu.
Man:
What’s for dinner?
Love you too.
Sorry. I’m just starving.
Woman:
Man:
Woman:
I just put ham in the oven. It’ll be about 35 minutes.
Man:
Fine…
Woman:
I thought maybe we could go over some of these bills before dinner.
I’d rather not.
Man:
Woman:
They’re not going to just magically disappear Zach.
Man:
I’m not an idiot. I know that…I just had a long day and I’d rather not do that right now.
Woman:
Every day for you is long.
Man:
Yeah it is. I’m working two jobs. It gets tiring. It wouldn’t hurt for you to be a little
understanding of that.
Woman:
I am understanding but that understanding has a limit. There are things we have to do even
if we’re tired…Like Pay Bills.
Fine. Fine. Let’s fucking pay some bills.
Man:
Philip Dallmann267
Woman:
Don’t get angry. This is part of being an adult.
Man:
Don’t talk down to me. I hate when you talk down to me.
Woman:
Don’t act like a fucking child and I won’t have to.
He back hands her. Hard. There is a moment of shock. The air is filled with the trust between these two
shattering.
Man:
I…
He takes a step towards her. He considers helping her. He decides otherwise.
Black Out.
7/15/2011 Till My Heart Gives Out
A man, in a slightly disheveled suit, sits on the ground. A few people pass and pat his shoulder in condolence.
Man:
You know I would have loved you right? I would have given you anything you ever wanted.
I would have spent my life earning every smile and every laugh. I knew that the moment we
first met. I would… I will love you forever. I will love you forever. Until my heart gives out,
I will love you.
Black Out.
7/16/2011 Jenga!
Tree 1 and 2 are on stage. Sawing is heard.
See I told you they’d come for us.
Tree 1:
Tree 2:
Still hoping to be a Pulitzer Prize winning novel?
Tree 1:
Nope.
What do you want to be now?
Tree 2:
Philip Dallmann268
A Jenga Piece.
A Jenga Piece?
Yep. Those things last forever.
Tree 1:
Tree 2:
Tree 1:
Tree 2:
Welp see ya later.
Probably not.
Tree 1:
Tree 2 falls over.
Tree 1:
Just like Jenga
Black Out.
7/17/2011 No! No Fucking Blueberries
A long family drive.
Mom. Can we stop for peaches?
K:
M:
No.
Cantaloupe?
No.
Strawberries?
K:
M:
K:
M:
No.
Apples?
K:
Philip Dallmann269
M:
No.
Blueberries?
NO! No Fucking Blueberries.
K:
M:
K:
Fine…I’ll just eat pretzels.
Black Out.
7/18/2011 Buuurn
A Man walks out into the sun and is hit with red paint. He then turns to get hit with brown paint (aka a
tan) but the man with brown paint walks away.
7/19/2011 Fruitful Thinking
An Apple walks out on stage.
A:
Sometimes…sometimes I wish I was a Kiwi….or at least a Mango.
Black Out.
7/20/2011 Untitled
A man is sitting in a chair. He is sipping his evening brandy. The door bell rings. He goes to answer.
Yes?
D:
M:
Hi. I’m…Mark…I’m here to take Carrie out?
Of course…come in.
D:
They sit.
D:
She’ll just be a minute.
Philip Dallmann270
Ok.
Brandy?
No…No thanks…I’m not 21.
M:
D:
M:
D:
Good Response.
Th…thanks.
So Max…
Mark.
M:
D:
M:
D:
Marcus. How do you feel you’d stand up against a zombie attack?
I’m sorry?
M:
D:
I’m sorry son I don’t know sign language so maybe listen a little better.
I…
M:
D:
Zombies. Go.
I…uh…I have an axe.
Not bad.
Th…Thanks.
M:
D:
M:
D:
Area 51.
Philip Dallmann271
What about it?
Does it exist?
…sure?
M:
D:
M:
D:
Hmmm.
Was that right?
You tell me…
….Yes?
M:
D:
M:
D:
Hmm…what if I told you I had dragon blood?
I…
It doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t?
M:
D:
M:
D:
Nope. You already failed.
I did? Why?
Just cause.
M:
D:
Dad pulls a gun and shoots Mark point blank.
Dad?
Carrie (from offstage):
Philip Dallmann272
Yes honey?
Is he dead?
Yerp.
D:
Carrie:
D:
Carrie:
Good…
Black out.
7/21/2011 Old Peanuts
Snoopy and Woodstock walk across the stage.
S:
Woodstock. Stop following me. 55 years later it’s kind of creepy.
W:
It’s not creepy that we’re 55 year old animals?
Shut up Woodstock.
S:
Linus enters.
L:
Hey Snoopy.
Shut up Linus.
S:
Snoopy exits.
Black Out.
7/22/2011 Worst Sound Ever.
5-7 people come out onto stage and begin to eat a variety of foods very loudly. Chips, Sandwiches, etc. This
should last AT LEAST 3 MINUTES. They all exit except for one.
1:
That was awful wasn’t it? So don’t do it. Close yo moufs.
Exit.
Philip Dallmann273
Black Out.
7/23/2011 Woo-Word
2 girls are at a bar having drinks and an occasional shot.
What’s my drunk word?
1:
2:
What do you mean?
1:
I mean, like you know I’m drunk when I say…?
Oh. I don’t think you have one.
Really?
2:
1:
2:
Yep.
They take a shot and 1 goes “WOOOOO!”.
I don’t think Woo is a word is it?
1:
Black Out.
7/24/2011 Rule of 3
A man in a blue suit with a “Hello My Name Is” Name tag runs into a Diner and hides under a table. A
waiter walks up.
Can I hide in hear?
Sure…?
Thanks.
BD:
W:
BD:
W:
What are you hiding from?
Philip Dallmann274
What?
I asked what are you hiding from?
Oh. Rule of three.
BD:
W:
BD:
W:
I’m sorry.
You know. The RULE OF THREE.
Nope.
You know. Celebrities die in groups of 3.
BD:
W:
BD:
W:
Ok.
BD:
First Betty Ford…then that Amy Winehouse girl…
Then…
Me!
W:
BD:
W:
You?
Yes me!
BD:
W:
I don’t mean to be rude sir but…who are you?
Seriously?
BD:
W:
Yeah.
Philip Dallmann275
Can’t you read my name tag?
Brian Dunkleman.
Exactly.
BD:
W:
BD:
W:
I still have no idea who you are.
BD:
I co-hosted Season One of American Idol. Seacrest and I were comedy gold. Abbot and
Costello-esque one might say.
W:
Gotcha. I think you’re going to be all right. I’m pretty sure that the Rule of 3 has to get the
entire Real World San Francisco House and Savio Vega before it gets to you.
You think?
Yeah.
BD:
W:
BD:
Well…just to be safe I better keep my name tag on. Don’t want them to misspell my name
on MSNBC.
Black Out.
7/25/2011 Effects of Unemployment
A young couple putz around.
You know what’s interesting?
What?
M:
W:
M:
Misery is both a Maroon Five song and a Kathy Bates movie. I wonder what Adam Levine
and Kathy Bates’s kid would look like?
Silence.
Philip Dallmann276
M:
I really need a job.
Black out.
7/26/2011 An Ode to Easy Mac
A Mom brings food to two friends studying.
Mom:
Here you go.
Macaroni and Cheese. Thanks Mrs. H.
Friend:
The Son walks over to the piano with his bowl and begins to play and sing.
Son:
Macaroni and Cheese,
You eat it,
Whenever you please,
My dog Penny,
She don’t have fleas,
But she can’t eat,
Macaroni and Cheese.
(Refrain) Cheese and Macaroni,
Go together,
Like Cha-Chi and Joanie,
Cheese and Macaroni,
You can eat it,
At a Shoney’s.
(Short Interlude)
Macaroni and Cheese,
Eat it with ease,
Like George and Wheezy,
It’s so cheesy,
Dot your I’s,
Cross yo T’s,
Oh I love,
Macaroni and Cheese.
(Refrain)
You can eat it baked,
You can eat it cold,
Philip Dallmann277
But don’t eat it beFo jump rope,
You can eat Kraft,
You can eat homemade,
You can even eat it Gluten Free (fray)
(Refrain) Cheese and Macaroni,
Go together,
Like Cha-Chi and Joanie,
Cheese and Macaroni,
You can eat it,
Oh you can eat it,
Yeah --- you can eat it,
At a Shoney’s…
(End Song)
That was beautiful man.
Friend:
Mom:
You should hear his love song to Aunt Jemima on Pancake Days.
Black Out.
7/27/2011 Hogan Can’t Stop
Hulk Hogan and Wife have dinner.
Dinner’s ready.
Thanks brother.
Linda:
Hulk:
Linda:
Terry. Please stop calling me brother. It’s weird. Especially during sex.
Hulk:
Sorry brother.
Seriously.
I understand brother.
I’m leaving.
Linda:
Hulk:
Linda:
Philip Dallmann278
Hulk:
Don’t go brother.
She exits.
Hulk:
I can’t stop brother. I do love lasagna though brother.
Black Out.
7/28/2011 Jihad on the Sunset Strip
A man walks in on his friend reading.
What are you reading?
The Quran.
1:
2:
1:
Oh so you did sign up for that World Religions class.
Nope.
Then why are you reading The Quran?
2:
1:
2:
I’m trying to figure out how to declare a Jihad on NBC for cancelling Studio 60.
1:
Dude that was like 5 years ago.
Yeah and I’m still pissed.
2:
1:
It wasn’t NBC’s fault man. They just debuted a better show with a similar premise at the
same time.
2:
30Rock is a silly silly show that is very amusing mostly because I don’t understand half of
what Tracy Morgan says and I’m pretty sure he isn’t acting, BUT Studio 60 was a brilliant
dramedy starring the beautiful and hil-arious Matthew Perry, not to mention my future wife
Sarah Paulson.
Philip Dallmann279
1:
She’s a lesbian.
No she’s not.
2:
1:
Yeah she is. She’s with that theatre woman. Cherry something or another.
You lie.
2:
1:
Google it.
He googles it.
2:
Son of a bitch. I have been deceived. Jihad off.
1:
Good call.
2:
Do you think if I declared a Jihad on McDonald’s they’d bring back the McRib?
Probably not.
Damn…today sucks…
1:
2:
1:
How about I buy you a Shamrock shake?
It’s May man. They’re gone.
What?
Yeah they’re only a March thing.
2:
1:
2:
1:
Give me that book.
Philip Dallmann280
2:
Why?
1:
I’m going to Jihad the shit out of McDonald’s.
Black Out.
7/29/2011 Tough Call
The President and Vice President sit with two containers in front of them. The room is tense.
I don’t know what to do Joe.
It’s a tough decision sir.
I know. I know.
P:
VP:
P:
VP:
You are the President of the United States though. You can do this.
But what if I make the wrong choice?
What if you make the right one?
Good Point. Chicken Salad it is.
P:
VP:
P:
He opens the container and takes a bite.
Good?
Like breast milk from Oprah.
VP:
P:
VP:
What?
Don’t ask.
P:
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann281
7/30/2011 That Damn Bobby Valencia
A janitor stands in a doorway surveying a mess of a room. A man walks up behind him.
Man:
Wow. I guess first graders can really trash a place. That’s a mess.
What do you see when you look in there?
A mess.
Janitor:
Man:
Janitor:
I see…. 247 crayons… 14 coloring books…some string cheese…what is sure to be urine
soaked shorts over by Bobby Valencia’s desk…he’s a repeat offender…I would say about 2
rolls of unrolled toilet paper along with 3 tissue boxes emptied… 20 slightly oversized
pencils…a copy of Where’s Waldo?....and oh a tampon. That’s new.
Man:
That’s quite a talent you got there. Play that game all the time?
Janitor:
It gets me through the day. That and Tequila. Mostly Tequila.
Well good luck.
Yep.
Man:
Janitor:
Black Out.
7/31/2011 Levitation is Easier with Wings
2 Owls.
Do you every wish you were a Blue Jay?
Like an actual one or the Toronto kind?
Martin:
Maxwell:
Martin:
An actual one.
Philip Dallmann282
Nope.
Really?
Maxwell:
Martin:
Maxwell:
Yeah. I like being an owl. I like doing things at night. Daytime is overrated.
Martin:
Yeah…but they look so cool.
Maxwell:
If they were cool they wouldn’t be the mascot of the only Canadian baseball team. There is
nothing cool about Canada.
Dave Coulier?
Martin:
Maxwell:
That joke’s old. It’s not cool to bring up Uncle Joey anymore.
Fair enough.
Martin:
Maxwell:
Besides, we’re in Harry Potter.
Wingardium Leviosa.
You ruin everything.
Martin:
Maxwell:
Maxwell flies off.
Alohomora.
Martin:
Black Out.
8/1/2011 Draw Two, Don’t Pass Go
The Master and Servant are seated playing a game.
Yahtzee.
Master:
Servant:
Philip Dallmann283
Sir…we’re playing Chutes and Ladders.
Are we? What are we really playing?
Master:
Servant:
UNO?
Then Draw Two.
Master:
Black Out.
8/2/2011 Motivational Gold
On stage is a bar. The crowd is dwindling, it is late.
Friend:
Dude she just said last call. Go for it!
Hey…ok. I just need a sec.
Seconds are for losers.
That’s your pep talk?
Man:
Friend:
Man:
Friend:
Hey. I haven’t done this wing man thing in awhile…I’m shakin off the rust.
Right…so am I.
Only way to do that is to go for it.
Man:
Friend:
Man:
We’re going to have this conversation a lot aren’t we.
Friend:
You aren’t exactly spilling over with confidence…so yeah probably. But the whole slightly
shy/nervous thing works for you.
Man:
Ok. Here. We. Go.
Philip Dallmann284
He approaches a beautiful red head who is sitting at the bar finishing a cheap beer. He stalls before he gets
there. She has turned slightly and now we along with him know exactly how freakin gorgeous she is. We’re
talking a red headed angel here. Not the kind of girl you want to go after when you’re just getting back to
being single. She could be a confidence shatter-er….unfortunately he’s passed the point of no return because
she’s seen him.
Red Headed Angel:
Hi.
He freezes for a moment, makes a sound as if someone dropped a beetle down his throat and then…
Man:
I’m new at being single. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be attempting to talk to you.
He starts walking away. She gets up and moves toward him.
You forgot something.
Red Headed Angel:
She hands him a napkin.
Red Headed Angel:
Call me.
She exits.
Friend:
Watch out Vince Lombardi, I’m spittin motivational gold up in here.
Man:
Yeah…
Black Out.
8/3/2011 The Writer: Timing is Everything
The Writer is on stage. He is sitting in front of his desk, a bottle of whiskey in his hand. Suzan Lori-Parks
enters.
Oh don’t be that stereotype.
Huh?
SLP:
Writer:
SLP:
Whiskey isn’t Gluten Free ya know right?
Philip Dallmann285
I never told you I was Gluten Free.
I am your creation you remember right?
Right…I forgot.
Writer:
SLP:
Writer:
SLP:
So the booze… because you can’t think of anything to write?
No… other reasons.
Writer:
SLP:
Gotcha…did you go get the whiskey or did you write it?
Does it matter?
Writer:
SLP:
No, just wondering.
…wrote it.
Writer:
SLP:
So it really does work like that. You just write something and it happens.
More or less.
Writer:
SLP:
Just like Stranger Than Fiction… but ya know…less funny…and well less good really.
Writer:
You’re a real confidence builder.
Why don’t you just write her?
Come again?
SLP:
Writer:
Philip Dallmann286
SLP:
I mean that’s what this is all about isn’t it? You miss her…or is that you just want to find the
super ominous “one you are meant for”?
A little both.
Writer:
SLP:
Why don’t you write “the one” and see if the two aren’t one and the same?
Writer:
I don’t know what “the one” is, how can I write her?
SLP:
Of course you do. You’ve written her like six times in these plays. Well different parts of her,
but put together they make up her.
Writer:
Am I thinking of this since I thought up you?
SLP:
I’d like to think my Pulitzer Prize winning writing ability has something to do with it.
Of course you do.
Well?
Writer:
SLP:
Writer:
All Right.
He returns to his desk and picks up a pen to begin to write.
Writer:
Let’s see… she’s older…maybe…or the same age…just not younger by a lot…shorter than
me in heels…for pictures…I hate feeling short…an accent?... I love southern accents…not
the super hick kind though…that light Georgia kind…blonde? Or red head… I’ve always
wanted to find a nice Irish girl…she’s funny…but also knows when to tell me to shut the
hell up…can dance…better than me…which isn’t hard…but rhythm is always
nice…umm…talented in some way…I find talent really attractive…she loves romance…I
love the idea of chivalry…I don’t know why society got away from that… that’s it I guess.
Right.
SLP:
Writer:
Ok so I just put a period here and then she should appear right?
Philip Dallmann287
SLP:
That’s how I appear right?
Writer:
Yeah. Ok.
He puts the pen to paper…. Nothing.
SLP:
Well that was anticlimactic.
Writer:
Ha Yeah.
SLP:
Well I really don’t think you should drag this play out any longer…I really think a good
ending would have been a black out right after you put the period in, but what do I know? I
only have a Pulitzer Prize.
Writer:
Right well then…
He begins to write again.
Writer:
And Black Out.
The stage goes black. After a moment a door opens. The outline of a woman is seen.
Woman:
Hello? Is anyone there? Hello? I swore this is where I was supposed to be. Maybe I’m early.
After a moment she closes the door.
Black Out…for real this time.
8/4/2011 Best Death Goes To…
A slew of people are laying on the stage in lines. For the sake of this play they are dead. Not really though.
Isn’t theatre great? Imagine if we had to use real corpses…they would smell awful…and dialogue would be a
bitch…but I digress.
Hey Frank?
Huh?
Leonard:
Frank:
Philip Dallmann288
Leonard:
How’d you die again?
Heart Attack. You?
Diabetes.
That shit will get ya.
Frank:
Leonard:
Frank:
Leonard:
You’re telling me.
Nothing compared to Petrov over there.
Hey Petrov, how’d you die?
Frank:
Leonard:
Petrov:
Got lost in Arizona desert. Coyotes ate me alive.
Leonard:
Damn…
Yeah they put all kinds in this lot.
Seems like it….how about you new girl?
I hung myself.
Frank:
Leonard:
Sarah:
Leonard:
That’s depressing. Anyone else?
Malcolm:
I was shot 58 times in Nam by a machine gun while I was trippin balls on LSD.
We have a winner.
Leonard:
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann289
8/5/2011 Innovation
Matt and Lauren discuss over beers.
You know what’s never funny?
What?
Baby Killing.
Matt:
Lauren:
Matt:
Lauren:
Matt.
Yeah?
You’re an innovator.
Matt:
Lauren:
Black Out.
8/6/2011 Calm the Water
A man on stage meditating.
1:
I’m not going to throw up, calm waters… (Repeat Until….)
Black out.
8/7/2011 A Woman Has Got To Eat
A First Date.
Man:
So…any brothers or sisters?
Nope.
Woman:
Man:
Ah only child. I only have the one little brother.
Yeah it’s just me.
Woman:
Philip Dallmann290
Man:
Well that can…
OK. Let’s just get this out of the way.
Woman:
Man:
OK…
Woman:
I am 28. In 2 years I will be 30 at which point my ability to get pregnant will drop
significantly. If I am not married and pregnant by the time I’m 30 I will kill myself. Probably
hang myself but the whole pills thing is an option as well. I don’t do cutting. So unless you
see yourself putting a ring on my finger and a bunch of your best swimmers into my eggs,
you should leave now.
He’s Frozen.
Woman:
If you don’t speak or leave in the next 5 seconds I will mount you.
He gets up, puts his wallet on the table, and walks fast out the door. She picks up a menu.
Oh Surf and Turf. My fave.
Woman:
She puts his wallet in her purse.
Black out.
8/8/2011 With Great Personality Comes…
Chuck returns from beers with a friend and his new girlfriend.
So did you meet Matt’s new girlfriend?
Yeah.
Beth:
Chuck:
Beth:
How was she?
Chuck:
She was nice, really funny… great personality.
She begins to snicker.
Philip Dallmann291
Chuck:
What?
So she’s ugly.
Beth:
Chuck:
What? I didn’t say that. I said she was really cool, she has a great personality.
Beth:
Great Personality as a first description equals ugly.
Chuck:
Since when?
Beth:
Since always. If she was really attractive that would have been what you said first.
Chuck:
Maybe she’s very beautiful but even more funny and awesome.
Is she?
Beth:
Chuck:
That’s not the point, I think there is a flaw in your theory.
Beth:
And I think you’re deflecting. When you first met me how did you describe me to Matt?
I…
Chuck:
Beth:
Now see you’re stuck. You can lie and prove your point or you can tell your wife she’s
beautiful.
I… I said how hot you were.
Chuck:
Beth:
Exactly.
You play dirty.
Chuck:
Philip Dallmann292
I know. So how did she look?
Beth:
Chuck:
Like she got hit by every branch on the Ugly Tree.
Thought so.
Beth:
Black Out.
8/9/2011 Peacock Unrequited
A peacock and pigeon converse in the former’s pen at the zoo.
Pigeon:
You can put your feather’s away Marcus, they closed the park.
I don’t just show off for the people.
Marcus:
Pigeon:
Really now? Who are you showing for?
Melinda.
Melinda? The Lion?
Marcus:
Pigeon:
Marcus:
Yes. I know she can see me from across there.
Pigeon:
But… ya know what? Go for it. Let me know how that goes.
Marcus:
I will.
Pigeon flies off.
I’m in love.
Marcus:
We hear a roar. Marcus sighs.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann293
8/10/2011 The Mother-Fuckin Storm
On Stage Jimmy the Janitor is weathering a storm. He is trying to protect the grounds by throwing tarps over
stuff. Enter KING LEAR and Fool
King Lear:
Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow!
You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout
Till you have drench'd our steeples, drown'd the cocks!
You sulphurous and thought-executing fires,
Vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts,
Singe my white head! And thou, all-shaking thunder,
Smite flat the thick rotundity o' the world!
Crack nature's moulds, an germens spill at once,
That make ingrateful man!
Jimmy:
Don’t egg it on man! If those chickens drown I’m shit out of luck. You should get inside.
You could catch pneumonia at your age.
Fool:
O nuncle, court holy-water in a dry
house is better than this rain-water out o' door.
Good nuncle, in, and ask thy daughters' blessing:
here's a night pities neither wise man nor fool.
Jimmy:
Yeah, what he said.
King Lear:
Rumble thy bellyful! Spit, fire! spout, rain!
Jimmy:
What did I say about antagonizing the weather?
King Lear:
Nor rain, wind, thunder, fire, are my daughters:
I tax not you, you elements, with unkindness;
I never gave you kingdom,
Jimmy:
You givin kingdoms away? That’s what’s up.
Philip Dallmann294
call'd you children,
That’s right. I’m a grown ass man.
You owe me no subscription:
King Lear:
Jimmy:
King Lear:
Jimmy:
Good cause that’s how I got stuck with that damn IKEA catalog coming every month.
King Lear:
then let fall
Your horrible pleasure: here I stand, your slave,
Jimmy:
WHOA. Ain’t no slaves here brotha. Solidarity my man. (black power fist)
King Lear:
A poor, infirm, weak, and despised old man:
But yet I call you servile ministers,
That have with two pernicious daughters join'd
Your high engender'd battles 'gainst a head
So old and white as this. O! O! 'tis foul!
Jimmy:
Listen you aint that old…and you could just use some sun that’s all. Now tell me about these
“pernicious” daughters of yours…
Fool:
He that has a house to put's head in has a good
head-piece.
The cod-piece that will house
Before the head has any,
The head and he shall louse;
So beggars marry many.
The man that makes his toe
What he his heart should make
Shall of a corn cry woe,
And turn his sleep to wake.
For there was never yet fair woman but she made
mouths in a glass.
Jimmy:
(To Lear) Psst. Did you understand any of that? Why are women making put their mouths in
glass?
Philip Dallmann295
King Lear:
No, I will be the pattern of all patience;
I will say nothing.
Enter KENT
Who's there?
Kent:
Fool:
Marry, here's grace and a cod-piece; that's a wise
man and a fool.
Jimmy:
This guy is just chalk full of fun little phrases aint he?
Kent:
Alas, sir, are you here? things that love night
Love not such nights as these; the wrathful skies
Gallow the very wanderers of the dark,
And make them keep their caves: since I was man,
Such sheets of fire, such bursts of horrid thunder,
Such groans of roaring wind and rain, I never
Remember to have heard: man's nature cannot carry
The affliction nor the fear.
King Lear:
Let the great gods,
That keep this dreadful pother o'er our heads,
Find out their enemies now. Tremble, thou wretch,
That hast within thee undivulged crimes,
Unwhipp'd of justice: hide thee, thou bloody hand;
Thou perjured, and thou simular man of virtue
That art incestuous: caitiff, to pieces shake,
That under covert and convenient seeming
Hast practised on man's life: close pent-up guilts,
Rive your concealing continents, and cry
These dreadful summoners grace. I am a man
More sinn'd against than sinning.
I’m sensing a little anger.
Jimmy:
Kent:
Alack, bare-headed!
Gracious my lord, hard by here is a hovel;
Some friendship will it lend you 'gainst the tempest:
Philip Dallmann296
Repose you there; while I to this hard house-More harder than the stones whereof 'tis raised;
Which even but now, demanding after you,
Denied me to come in--return, and force
Their scanted courtesy.
King Lear:
My wits begin to turn.
Come on, my boy: how dost, my boy? art cold?
I am cold myself. Where is this straw, my fellow?
The art of our necessities is strange,
That can make vile things precious. Come,
your hovel.
Jimmy:
Finally we’re going to shelter. That’s what I’m talking bout.
King Lear:
Poor fool and knave, I have one part in my heart
That's sorry yet for thee.
Jimmy:
Fool?
[Singing]
He that has and a little tiny wit-With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,-Must make content with his fortunes fit,
For the rain it raineth every day.
Fool:
Jimmy:
Oh right. The guy singing in the rain and making no god damn sense. I was bout to say…
King Lear:
True, my good boy. Come, bring us to this hovel.
Exeunt KING LEAR, KENT, and JIMMY.
This is a brave night to cool a courtezan.
I'll speak a prophecy ere I go:
When priests are more in word than matter;
When brewers mar their malt with water;
When nobles are their tailors' tutors;
No heretics burn'd, but wenches' suitors;
When every case in law is right;
Fool:
Philip Dallmann297
No squire in debt, nor no poor knight;
When slanders do not live in tongues;
Nor cutpurses come not to throngs;
When usurers tell their gold i' the field;
And bawds and whores do churches build;
Then shall the realm of Albion
Come to great confusion:
Then comes the time, who lives to see't,
That going shall be used with feet.
This prophecy Merlin shall make; for I live before his time.
Jimmy re-enters.
Jimmy:
Fool. Get yo ass out the damn rain. This aint no Gene Kelley joint.
Black Out.
8/11/2011 Untitled #2
A heat wave.
Woman:
Man…it’s hot as balls in here.
Man:
I don’t know about your “balls” but mine don’t really get that hot. I would say it’s hot as
vagina.
Woman:
You’re disgusting.
Man:
And you have balls.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann298
8/12/2011 Dragons and Everything…but no Pee.
Bill Clinton sits with his biographer.
Biographer:
All right Mr. President, I think we have a lot here.
Well I definitely had an interesting run.
Clinton:
Biographer:
To put it mildly. I think we have the just the right balance in here of your perspective on all
those personal events and your actual politics.
Well that’s what I’m looking for.
Clinton:
Biographer:
Good. Well then, last thing- any regrets?
Politically or personally?
Politically first.
Clinton:
Biographer:
Clinton:
I should have blown Saddam Hussien to hell.
Biographer:
Ha, and personally?
I would have fucked Janet Reno.
Haha…wait. Seriously?
Clinton:
Biographer:
Clinton:
Tell me you never wondered what that’s like.
Biographer:
I…no.
Clinton:
I imagined it as a medieval style quest…with dragons and everything.
Philip Dallmann299
You have strange taste in women.
Biographer:
Clinton:
I feel like as long as I don’t pee on them like R Kelly I’m good.
That’s perspective.
Biographer:
Black Out.
8/13/2011 Baby Hang Time
On stage is a crib, inside a baby. It begins to cry. Enter its mother. She picks it up and begins to try and
soothe it by rocking it and singing a lullaby. It will not be soothed. A moment passes. She punts the baby.
After it lands the mother freezes. Enter George Clooney.
George Clooney:
Hi. I’m George Clooney. You had a long day at work. You come home…make dinner…feed
the baby…and try to go to sleep. It refuses to sleep and you have a meeting at 8am…so you
punt the baby right? Wrong. I’m George Clooney…don’t punt babies.
Black Out.
8/14/2011 The Best Policy
A man is showing a painting to his friend.
Wah-lah.
Huh.
Right? So good.
1:
2:
1:
2:
That’s…that’s a description.
How much do you think I could sell it for?
…I don’t know…
1:
2:
1:
Well how much do you think it would be worth if I died tomorrow?
Philip Dallmann300
2:
Ya know…I couldn’t say.
Come on. Throw a number out there.
I really don’t want to…
Come on be honest.
1:
2:
1:
2:
Fine…after you died…I’d probably have to pay someone 20 bucks to take it away and burn
it.
1:
…too honest.
Black out.
8/15/2011 Too Much Thought Equals Throw Up Face
A young couple lies in bed in a hotel room.
Really? Mandy Moore is your number 1?
Woman:
Man:
Yeah. She’s very normal ya know? She doesn’t seem fake or cosmetically enhanced.
You’ve put a lot of thought into this.
…maybe.
Well you know my number one.
Leo.
Woman:
Man:
Woman:
Man:
Woman:
Someday I’ll show you the collage I made of him when I was 14.
Philip Dallmann301
Ha I’ll look forward to it.
Man:
A moment passes and she looks up at him.
Woman:
Are you all right?
What? Yes.
You sure?
Yeah… I’m fine.
Man:
Woman:
Man:
Another moment passes.
I think I’m falling for you.
I’m falling for you too.
Man:
Woman:
Another moment…
I love you.
I love you too.
Man:
Woman:
Man:
…good….good…glad we’re on the same page.
Was that your “I love you” face?
What?
Woman:
Man:
Woman:
When you said “I love you” you looked like you were going to throw up.
Man:
Oh…well I was just worried…
Philip Dallmann302
Worried about what?
What you were going to say.
Woman:
Man:
Woman:
Did you think I was going to say anything other than I love you too.
Man:
Yes.
Like what?
Woman:
Man:
Well… I thought you might just say “OK”…or laugh at me…or get up and just walk
out…or say “That’s nice”…or…
She kisses him.
Woman:
You put a lot of thought into this.
Yeah…I love you.
OK. That’s nice.
You’re mean.
Man:
Woman:
Man:
Woman:
I love you.
Black Out.
8/16/2011 Quack
Two ducks sit in the pond.
Quack.
1:
2:
Quack.
Philip Dallmann303
Quack.
Quack.
Good Talk.
1:
2:
1:
1 exits.
Ass hole…Quack.
2:
Black Out.
8/17/2011 Untitled #3
The Writer is finishing writing. Enter Suzan Lori Parks.
Seriously? Ducks?
Quack off.
SLP:
Writer:
Silence.
Get it?
Writer:
SLP exits.
Writer:
Quack off…ha…I’m hilarious.
Black out.
8/18/2011 Weather Combination
A storm is going on. Enter Thunder and Lightning.
Thunder:
Do you think you could cut down on those “cracks” you keep making?
Lightning:
Do you mean the actual sound “crack” or the cracks I make about you not being a real part
of the storm?
Philip Dallmann304
Thunder:
Both.
Why don’t you just rumble louder?
That’s not the point.
Well, what is the point then Thunder?
Lightning:
Thunder:
Lightning:
Thunder:
You’re stupid.
Lightning:
That’s the point? Rain? Did you hear that? I’m stupid.
Rain:
Off Stage. I’m busy. I’m tryin to flood the fuck out this river.
Thunder:
Great. So classy. Why don’t you guys grow up?
Lightning:
Why don’t you become a real part of weather?
Thunder:
I AM AN ESSENTIAL PART OF THE TEAM.
THE LOUDEST THUNDER EVER IS HEARD. The storm stops. Rain enters.
Rain:
Holy shit…why don’t you do that all the time?
Thunder:
Fuck you guys. I’m going to hang out with snow. Wait till you guys catch the new snow
storm with thunder….that blizzard will melt your faces.
Thunder exits.
Snow with thunder sounds awesome.
Lightning:
Rain:
We need to get someone else.
Philip Dallmann305
What’s Fog doing?
Lightning, Rain, and Fog? Works for me.
Lightning:
Rain:
The stage begins to flood with fog.
Black Out.
8/19/2011 Not a Real Addiction
A Drug Addicts Anonymous meeting.
Fred:
Hi…my name is Fred…and I…I…I am a sex addict.
Oh fuck off.
Seriously.
Guy 1:
Guy 2:
Guy 3:
You don’t have an addiction you just have a chiseled jaw and a six pack.
Guy 2:
I could go for a six pack.
No Jonesy…you’re doing so well.
Guy 1:
Guy 2:
Well this guy fuckin depresses me. I wish I got laid enough to call it an addiction.
I wish I got laid at all.
Guy 3:
Girl 1:
Good luck with that.
Fuck off chicken legs.
What?
Guy 3:
Girl 1:
Philip Dallmann306
Guy 3:
I don’t remember your name and I thought it would be rude to call you “heroin” cause that’s
your addiction and all so I figured your most obvious physical imperfection was a good way
to go.
Guy 1:
Moral of the story. Fuck you dude. Let’s get out of here.
I swear they just let anyone in.
Guy 2:
All but Fred and one other guy exit.
Fred:
What are you addicted to?
Broccoli.
I’m gonna go.
And I’m going to Salad Works.
Guy 4:
Fred:
Guy 4:
Black Out.
8/20/2011 Don’t be a Monica
Two guys in separate houses. 1 calls 2.
Hey man what’s up?
Not a lot man. Watchin TV.
2:
1:
2:
Me too. I got the Spurs Knicks on, you watchin it?
Nah…I’m watchin TBS.
1:
2:
What the hell is on TBS at 7 on a Wednesday?
Philip Dallmann307
….Friends.
Friends?
1:
2:
1:
Yeah…ya know…it’s not bad. I kind of wish I had watched it in high school when it was on.
2:
Really?
Yeah.
Well…that’s something.
1:
2:
1:
Yep…. So do you know how this whole Ross and Rachel thing turns out? Cause it’s taking
me on quite the emotional roller coaster.
2:
Ya know…I don’t. I was too busy having sex to watch the show.
1:
Har har hardey har har…I’m gay cause I watch friends.
2:
I wasn’t calling you gay. Gay guys are way too hip to watch Friends. Remember Gay guys are
at the forefront of what’s cool.
1:
I know I know. First gay guys do it, then black hipsters, then girl hipsters, then white guy
hipsters, then bros, then nerds, then white guys over 40.
The Circle of Cool.
2:
1:
It’s not really so much a circle as it’s a downward luge.
2:
You know what it’s not? An emotional roller coaster.
1:
So you’re not going to tell me whether or not Ross and Rachel make it?
Philip Dallmann308
2:
Why spoil the ride on the emotional roller coaster?
You’re an ass.
1:
A girl enters 1’s room. It’s 2’s sister.
Hey baby.
Who’s that?
Girl:
2:
1:
(To her) Hey sweet heart. (to him) Don’t worry about it.
2:
Is that Emily?
1:
Listen dude I gotta go. I got a Chandler Monica Season 7 situation going on here.
What?
2:
1:
You’re sister wants to go for a ride on the roller coaster.
1 Hangs up.
That guy is such a fuckin Joey.
2:
Black Out.
8/21/2011 Perks of Jumping off the Top Rope
Julia is in bed reading a magazine, her husband Nate enters.
Hey…sweet heart.
What do you want?
Why do I have to want something?
Nate:
Julia:
Nate:
Philip Dallmann309
Julia:
You called me sweet heart and you’re wearing a sweater I bought you. What do you want?
Nate:
I need you to call me The Macho Man around Greg for like 3 months.
What did you bet?
Julia:
Nate:
Possibly showing up to my next partners meeting with corn rows.
Julia:
Wow.
Yeah so you in?
What’s in it for me?
Um…my never ending love?
Nate:
Julia:
Nate:
Julia:
I want breakfast in bed for the next 4 Sundays, that diamond tennis bracelet we saw at
Littman’s, you actually letting me finish when we do it twice a week, and…you can’t call my
mom the creature from the black lagoon…ever.
Nate:
…deal.
Julia:
Good. Now Macho Man, it’s Sunday and I would like breakfast.
I love marriage.
(As Randy Savage) Ooo yeah.
Nate:
Julia:
Black Out.
This Play is in Loving Memory of Macho Man Randy Savage.
Philip Dallmann310
8/22/2011 About that day job.
A comic gets up in front of the mic in a comedy club.
Comic:
Hey so yeah…how about that George Bush huh? …not real smart…And
Oprah…boy…she’s fat…sometimes…how about them white people?...they sure talk
different then us folks from the hood…sometimes…on TV….Yep… So I’m not good at
this…I think…I think I’m gonna go and try and get my job back at Cracker Barrel…anyone
want to hear about Monica Lewinsky?...No?...yep back to Cracker Barrel.
Black Out.
8/23/2011 Different Routes To The Finish
2 Friends have beers.
1:
So you’re moving to San Francisco?
Yeah man. I’m going to take an art class.
An art class?
Yeah why not?
2:
1:
2:
1:
Do you have anything lined up out there?
2:
Yeah I got an apartment off craigslist and I signed up for that art class.
1:
I meant more like a job…and craigslist can be sketchy dude.
2:
I’m aware. I’m not an idiot. No money changes hands till I get out there and check it out in
person. If it’s super sketch than I’ll stay at a cheap motel till I find a new place.
And the job?
1:
2:
I’ll find one when I get there. I’ve got enough to make it about 6 weeks with out one. If I
don’t find one then I come back here…to Mercerville.
Philip Dallmann311
1:
You say that with such disdain.
You know I have no desire to be here.
I’ve noticed.
There’s nothing here.
2:
1:
2:
1:
Emily and I are here.
And that’s great…for visits.
What are you looking for?
What do you mean?
2:
1:
2:
1:
I mean you keep running off on these little adventures, why?
2:
Cause I don’t want to be here. I want to find a place where I want to stay.
1:
It just seems like you feel like you’re too good for this town sometimes.
2:
It’s not a too good type of situation, it’s a wrong fit situation. Listen man Mercerville is a
great place for you and Emily. You guys are married, you have a house, you’re going to have
tons of kids…I’m nowhere near that point in my life. That’s reasonably 10 years out.
1:
Why though? I mean you could just as easily meet somewhere here and have exactly what I
have now.
2:
But I don’t want it now. That’s what you don’t get. I understand your reasoning. The end
result that we both want is wife, kids, house, and dog. Why shouldn’t we get to it as soon as
possible?
Philip Dallmann312
1:
Exactly.
2:
That works for you, but I know that I wont be happy with that end result if I don’t do my
own things before I get there. I want to travel, I want to sky dive, I want camp in
bumblefuck Montanna, I want to have sex with a ton of women in as many states and
countries as possible…I cant do that stuff if I’m married with kids…especially that last one.
1:
I don’t get it man.
2:
Yeah I know. You don’t have to, it’s cool. Just be patient with me I guess.
1:
That I can do.
2:
So after I take my art class can I paint a mural in your house.
1:
Ask Emily.
2:
So…no.
Black Out.
8/24/2011 Burning War
A military compound. A young man enters. His Uncle and servant are waiting.
Uncle:
Naweh, what news do you bring?
Naweh:
The rebels have been pushed back to Noctum Uncle.
Uncle:
Good. Very good. You look troubled Naweh.
…Akim is dead.
Akim is dead? How?
Naweh:
Uncle:
Philip Dallmann313
Naweh:
His camp was overrun by the rebels during their retreat.
I see…
Uncle:
Naweh:
General Mawkam sent me to ask if the orders are still the same?
Yes…
Uncle:
Naweh:
I will let him know.
Naweh goes to exit.
Naweh.
Uncle:
Naweh:
Yes Uncle?
Uncle:
…Tell the General that pushing them back across the border will not be enough. Annihilate
them all.
Sir?
Naweh:
Uncle:
You heard me. Not one of them lives. Man, woman, nor child.
…yes sir.
Naweh:
Naweh exits.
They will burn for this…
Uncle:
Mascas:
I sure hope not. If the smell of burnt hair is any indication burning bodies must smell awful.
Shut up Mascas.
Uncle:
Philip Dallmann314
Mascas:
Yes sir.
Black Out.
8/25/2011 Drove Her Crazy
We are in Christina Aguliera’s house. It’s real apparent that she lives here aka lots of photos of her. She
enters humming to herself and occasionally doing exaggerated vocal runs. As she goes to sit down the lights go
out. When they come back up a Mickey Mouse hat is on the table in front of her.
HelloOOOoooOOooOOo(Vocal Run)?
Christina:
The lights go out again. We hear a crash. When the lights come back up the room is disheveled.
Christina:
WhoOoOoOoooooOOOOoo(Vocal Run) is there?
The lights go out. They come back up quickly. Britney Spears is now standing in front of her wielding a big
ass knife.
It’s Britney Bitch.
Uh OooOoOoOoo…
Britney:
Christina:
Black out. Sound of metal.
8/26/2011 A Gentleman Always Pays For Wings
A pair of friends enter an apartment laughing, a little drunk.
Rachel:
I think I will declare Austin/Rachel Day 2011 a success.
I concur.
Austin:
Rachel:
I think more tequila is in order.
I concur.
Austin:
Philip Dallmann315
I think your face looks like poo.
I…hey.
Rachel:
Austin:
She pours 2 shots.
1…2…3.
Rachel:
They throw’em back and then they collapse onto the couch.
Rachel:
I needed this.
Yeah…me too.
I haven’t laughed this much in a long time.
I haven’t since Austin/Rachel Day 2010.
Austin:
Rachel:
Austin:
Rachel:
Oh my god with that tranny and the can of Pepsi.
Don’t get me started I might pee myself.
Austin:
They turn their heads towards each other unintentionally. There is a moment. In this moment either one could
decide to make a move, but he does. She pulls away…quickly.
I…
Austin:
Rachel:
That can’t happen.
Right. Yeah I know. Sorry.
Austin:
Rachel:
It’s ok. We’ve been drinking. Maybe we should just call it a night.
Philip Dallmann316
Yeah. Yeah maybe that’s a good idea.
I’ll see you on Tuesday?
Austin:
Rachel:
Austin:
You know I never miss 10 cent wings and dollar beers.
Rachel:
Good. Night.
Night.
Austin:
Austin goes to exit but stops at the door.
Austin:
Why not?
What?
Why can’t that happen?
Why can’t what happen?
Rachel:
Austin:
Rachel:
Austin:
The kiss. Why can’t we kiss?
Because we’re best friends.
Rachel:
Austin:
Did you ever think that maybe we’re perfect for each other?
Austin.
Rachel:
Austin:
Mocking. Rachel.
Rachel:
I just don’t see you like that. You’re my best friend…in a completely nonsexual kind of way.
Philip Dallmann317
Wow I can’t hear that enough.
I didn’t…
Austin:
Rachel:
Austin:
I’m joking….but I think you’re wrong. I think we’re both wrong actually.
Rachel:
How so?
Austin:
I think I’m wrong if I think that dating 22 year olds over and over again is going to make me
happy.
That’s true.
Rachel:
Austin:
AND…and you’re wrong if you think that those yuppy boys rockin the plaid shorts and
aviators are going to make you happy.
Austin.
Rachel:
Austin:
Just something to think about. I’ll see you on Tuesday. First 5 wings are one me.
Rachel:
Such a gentleman.
Austin:
I try.
Austin exits. We have a moment with Rachel.
Black Out.
8/27/2011 Dog Days Rain
A dog stands at the door inside the house with his owner behind him. There is a tropical storm outside.
Dog:
Nope I will not go out and pee in that. Not in a hurricane named Irene. Eff that noise.
Man:
If you pee in the house tonight I’m building a dog house and you become an outside dog.
Philip Dallmann318
Dog:
Man… You can’t even give a dog some cover with an umbrella or somethin? Fine…Ain’t
this abouta bitch… Irene I got 99 problems…
Black out.
8/28/2011 Nirvanna and 7 Up
A man is meditating.
Man:
I wonder what the world would be like if OJ had been the 7 Up guy and Orlando Jones had
been a homicidal running back?...I have reached peace with the world….nirvanna…I can die
now.
And he does.
Black out.
8/29/2011 Unreal Whoop Ass
A Pegasus and a Unicorn.
You’re not real.
I could really kick your ass.
Yeah? You and what army?
P:
U:
P:
Every actor available enters.
I’m magic bitch.
U:
Black out.
Philip Dallmann319
8/30/2011 OZ Charmin
After Dorothy and the Wizard have left Oz Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion sit on the steps.
Tin Man:
Wow. Just wow.
Scarecrow:
Yeah. Can you believe the Wizard said how smart I was?
Nope.
What do you mean nope?
Lion:
Scarecrow:
Lion:
I’m just saying you have literally straw for brains.
So?
Scarecrow:
Lion:
So I think it’s a great day in the jungle when I have straw to shit on. You have jungle toilet
paper for brains.
Scarecrow:
Well look who all of sudden has balls now that the Wizard says you actually do have
courage.
Lion:
I’m also a Lion. I was never scared of straw. I would destroy you and…(turning to the Tin
Man)
Tin Man:
Please don’t make the mistake of forgetting my giant fucking axe.
Lion:
Fair enough. I have to go poop anyway. Got any extra brains Scarecrow?
Scarecrow:
I could take you Tin Man.
And my point is proven.
Lion:
Philip Dallmann320
Bring it on Squeaky.
Scarecrow:
Lights go down on Tin Man and Scarecrow as Lions crosses. We hear the whoosh of the axe and straw
floods the stage. Lion picks some up.
Lion:
Well this seems like a more productive use of straw.
Black out.
8/31/2011 Spitting Game
2 Camels
You know I once crossed the Sahara.
Horse Shit.
1:
2:
1:
It’s true, it’s true.
When?
1998. Right after Harry Caray died.
Spit one out for one’s homies.
2:
1:
2:
Both Camels spit.
So what was it like?
Hot.
2:
1:
2:
Seriously? I ask you how crossing the Sahara was and you say Hot?
It was very hot.
1:
Philip Dallmann321
Yeah…I kind got that from it being a desert.
Yep…that it is…a desert.
You didn’t cross the Sahara did you?
2:
1:
2:
1:
I did not but that 2 humped honey over there don’t need to know that.
2:
Fine but next time I swear I was in Indiana Jones you gotta back me up.
Crystal Skull?
Hell no. Last Crusade. Connery road me.
I can roll with that.
1:
2:
1:
They both spit again.
Let’s do this.
2:
Exit.
Black Out.
9/1/2011 Visions of Education and Fancy Cocaine
2 Friends sit on a porch.
Off Stage:
ESPN is reporting that the Eagles have signed Michael Vick to his second 100 million dollar
contract…
Pedro:
Can you believe that less than 5 years after he kills a bunch of dogs that boy is getting 100
mil? That’s that bull shit.
Philip Dallmann322
Jared:
That’s society man. We are very forgiving of our “stars”. Just look at how many athletes and
actors and shit that get DUI’s, get off, release a 3 sentence apology and we all go to their
next game or movie.
Pedro:
True…People suck. They have no vision.
Jared:
You ain’t exactly Dr. King yourself man.
Pedro:
Jared, what would you do with 100 million bucks?
Jared:
Honestly? I’d probably start some type of nonprofit for single moms in Bed-Stuy. Ya know?
Like something that ya know helps that out financially but not like welfare. It’s not like a
complete hand out. It’d help them get jobs and get like nice clothes for work. And maybe
it’d help cover education stuff too like if they wanted to go get a degree online or at
night…and for their kids too. Like pay for private school or for school supplies, ya know, so
that there’s a cycle of education instead of poverty. That’s what I’d do. How about you man?
What would you do with 100 mil?
Pedro:
I’d buy a plane…and a bottle of Courvoisier…and maybe a high class hooker. Not the grimy
kind that are hookin cause they have to to eat…the kind that go on trips with ya and have
done fancy cocaine in Cuba and shit.
Jared:
You’re a man with vision Pedro.
Black Out.
9/2/2011 A Hate Carol
A young black woman enters. She is walking home from the store. It is 1966 and we are in a small town in
Florida. She hums to herself. 3 young men, white, enter.
Boy 1:
I know this nigger girl ain’t walkin on my block.
She keeps her head down and keeps walking.
Nigger I’m talkin to you.
Boy 1:
She begins looking for a way out as the 3 surround her.
Philip Dallmann323
Boy 1:
You deaf nigger or just stupid?
Girl:
Please. I didn’t mean no harm, I’m just walkin home…I can go back and go around your
street.
Boy 1:
Normally that’d be fine. But unfortunately people have already seen you walkin here nigger.
Now what will people think if we just let niggers walk all up and down the block? Hm? I
mean one nigger walks here next thing ya know that monkey King is leadin a march through
here with a thousand niggers…and we can’t have that. Can we?
Boy 3:
Nope. I don’t want nigger all over my pavement.
Or that nigger stank in the air.
Boy 2:
Girl:
Please. I promise I won’t tell nobody.
Is that a book?
Yes…Dickens.
Boy 1:
Girl:
Boy 1:
The nigger can read? Now see that’s no good either. We can’t have you coons thinkin you
can get smart? Niggers ain’t smart.
Boy 2:
My daddy says you can dress niggers up and give’em fancy words to say but at the end of the
day they still a nigger.
Gimme that book. You don’t deserve it.
Boy 1:
Girl:
No…it’s mine.
Did this nigger bitch just say no to me?
Boy 1:
Philip Dallmann324
Girl:
Please just…
He backhands her.
Boy 1:
I think I’m gonna have to teach you a lesson bitch. Come here.
He grabs her and flips her over. He rips her skirt off and prepares to rape her.
Girl:
No please…no.
A shot rings out. A white man enters holding a big fucking gun.
Man:
I believe you boys are late for dinner. Don’t want your mama’s dinner to get cold do you?
No sir.
Boy 2:
Man:
That’s what I thought.
The 3 boys exit.
Th…thank you.
Girl:
Man:
Don’t let me see you here again nigger.
He cocks the gun and points it at her face.
Man:
I’d hate for your monkey parents to not be able to identify that pretty nigger face.
He exits. Leaving the girl on the ground with her book. We begin to hear Dr. King’s “I have a dream”
speech.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann325
9/3/2011 Boo
The Master and Servant are one stage on opposite sides of a fire.
Boo.
I wasn’t afraid.
Neither was General Custard.
Master:
Servant:
Master:
Black Out.
9/4/2011 A Transition
Two women lie in bed. Maria is deaf, Nicole is not. They have been hooking up for about a month. The TV
is on.
Nicole:
Sometimes I think that Kathy Lee was so much better than Kelly Ripa…and then I see her
get drunk at 8am every morning on national television.
Maria:
Hoda looks like a gremlin.
Nicole:
Yeah…don’t get her wet or feed her after midnight. I guess I should get dressed…I have a
parent teacher conference at noon.
What for?
Maria:
Nicole:
Sarah bit some girl the other day for taking her pink crayons. I’d really just like to tell the
teacher that next time that girl shouldn’t touch Sarah’s crayons.
Or at least the pink one.
Maria:
Maria starts playfully pulling Nicole back to bed.
I have to go…
Nicole:
Philip Dallmann326
Stay…just 20 more minutes.
Maria:
Nicole:
No…Peter will be at the conference and I don’t want to give him any more fire power by
showing up late.
He’s such a dick.
Maria:
Nicole:
Yeah but he’s a dick who’s Sarah’s father and seems hell bent on taking her away from me.
Maria:
He won’t.
Nicole:
Maybe… he’s going to try though. I don’t know what I would do if they took her away.
Maria:
They won’t. They don’t have any reason to. You’re a great mother.
Nicole:
A great mother who just divorced her husband so that she could be with women.
Maria:
Woman, not women.
Is that any better?
Well it makes you less of a whore.
Gee thanks.
Nicole:
Maria:
Nicole:
Maria:
It really is going to be fine. Don’t even worry about all of that today. Just worry about Sarah
becoming Hannibal Lecter.
Nicole:
You are full of perspective Maria.
She kisses her and gets up to actually start getting ready.
I really gotta get a move on.
Nicole:
Philip Dallmann327
Maria uses her voice for the first time in this play.
I love you.
What?
Maria:
Nicole:
Maria:
You don’t have to say it back… I just wanted you to know. I love you.
I… I really should be going.
Are you scared?
Nicole:
Maria:
Nicole:
No…I mean yes…I don’t know. 6 weeks ago I was married… I don’t know…I guess I
don’t know what this is….this thing with us…it was just physical…but…
Maria:
To me it’s love. To me it’s everything I’ve been looking for. You are everything I’ve been
looking for. You are so beautiful and so full of passion and comfort… and you don’t even
know it. I love you.
I should go.
Nicole:
Maria grabs her and kisses her.
I should go…I…
Nicole:
Nicole begins to exit.
Nicole:
I’m sorry that I don’t know. I just…my head is like a tornado right now….I’m up in the
air…I don’t really know what to think. I know that I care about you…a lot. I know that you
are a beautiful person…I just… I’m not sure what love is right now. I do want to be in
love…and I do want it to be with you…I just…. I just need time.
Nicole kisses her.
Nicole:
Just time.
Philip Dallmann328
She exits.
Kathy Lee is heard talking about wine. Maria gets back into bed and turns off the TV.
Black Out.
9/5/2011 Letter of Acceptance
The letters A,E,I,O, and U are sitting around playing Wii Tennis. After a moment the letter Y enters.
Everybody jumps up except E who continues to play tennis.
Hey O you won’t believe…Oh…
Hey…man…
Y:
O:
Y:
I didn’t realize we were all getting together…
Yeah…
I must’ve missed the text.
Yeah that’s it.
O:
Y:
O:
I:
Don’t lie to the guy.
I shut up.
U:
I:
No let’s be honest here. Y…you’re really only part time. We know you hang with the
consonants…so sometimes we like to hang out with just vowels.
Y:
Wow. You know what? You guys are a bunch of etymacists.
U:
Whoa Y let’s not say things we don’t mean here.
Philip Dallmann329
Y:
No I mean it. You know I want to be a vowel. I would do anything to be a vowel, but the
good lord did not bless me purity. I’m mixed and I’m proud of it. If you guys can’t accept
it…well then you guys can just go fuck a dictionary.
O:
I…
I’m sorry dude. You’re just not one of us.
I:
Y:
Fine. I’m gonna go hang out with Q…suck on that U.
Y exits.
U:
You know Webster is going to be pissed about it.
E:
He added tweet to the dictionary…this ain’t shit.
Black Out.
9/6/2011 Deviled Existence
A dejected woman enters her apartment. She walks to the fridge and pulls out a tray of deviled eggs, eats one,
goes to put them back but then just brings them over to her coffee table. She picks up a pair of sweat pants
and a Run DMC t-shirt off the couch and puts them on/takes off her work dress. She sits and turns on the
TV. She channel surfs for a bit until she just turns it off. She picks up a picture off the side table. It is of a
trip to the beach with an old boyfriend. A knock at the door. She wipes the egg off her face. When she
answers it a man in a tuxedo is there. Almost instantaneous big band music begins to play and her living
room disappears into a dance floor. He grabs her by the hand and they begin to dance. At the conclusion of
the song they end with their faces inches apart. A clang of an acoustic guitar separates them. A modern
cowboy enters, tips his hat, and then they begin to line dance. The room becomes a bar. They end with their
faces inches apart. A sick beat drops separating them. A young black man enters. The two begin to dance
and the room becomes a club. They end with their faces inches apart. They are separated by a man clearing
his throat. It is the man from the photo. Luther Vandross’s “Here and Now” begins to play. They dance a
simple slow dance. She is at peace in his arms. As the dance winds down the lights begin to dim. As he leans
in to kiss her, the lights are completely out. When they come back up we are back in her living room. She is
standing as she was dancing…but with only an egg in her hand. She takes back in the reality of this room.
She looks at the egg with amazement and horror. She takes all of them and throws them out. The phone
rings. There is a knock at the door.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann330
9/7/2011 Rebel With Out A Pulse
We are in a morgue. There is a dead woman covered on the slab. Merrill enters singing “Turn the Beat
Around” and doing a small samba.
Merrill:
Turn the beat around… Well another night, another dead person.
He pulls the cover up to reveal her head.
Merrill:
Why is it always a little more sad when the dead person is attractive? Or is it weird that I
think about that? …I should really think about that…that and this whole talking to myself
thing…eh everybody has their quirks. All right Miss…Lorna Xavier. Well Miss Xavier let us
figure out if it was indeed…the asphyxia via…oh that’s sad…via pizza. No one knew the
Heimlich around you? I thought everyone knew that nowadays.
He clicks on his tape recorder.
Merrill:
Dr. Merrill Lang. Tuesday February 16th 2011. 10:01 pm. Patient. Lorna Xavier. Dead on
arrival at St. Mary’s Hospital with presumed asphyxia. First incision…
He begins to make the incision. In a millisecond Lorna leaps up screaming.
AHHHHHH!
AHHHHHH!
Lorna:
Merrill:
Lorna:
WHERE THE FUCK AM I?
AHHH!
WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?!?!
Merrill:
Lorna:
Merrill:
DEAD PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!
Lorna:
I’M NOT DEAD!
Philip Dallmann331
Merrill:
I CAN SEE THAT!...but you’re supposed to be…you were…like 30 seconds ago you were
DEFINITELY DEAD!
Lorna:
I… I have no idea what’s going on. I’m just…cold…very cold.
Merrill:
Well we keep it that way in hear for the dead people…
Or I’m naked.
Lorna:
Merrill:
Oh. OH. Right….
Lorna:
That would imply that maybe you don’t just stare and instead offer me some type of cover.
Merrill:
Right. Yep. Ummm…. Well here’s my coat. We don’t keep a lot of extra clothes down
here…most dead people are fine naked.
Lorna:
Thanks.
They sit. No one speaks for a moment.
So…
Merrill:
Lorna:
Has this ever happened before?
What?
People coming back to life?
Merrill:
Lorna:
Merrill:
No. No I’ve only ever seen it on that TV show Pushing Daisies.
Lorna:
Never saw it.
Philip Dallmann332
Merrill:
Really? Well it got cancelled but don’t judge it by that. Lots of shows that were phenomenal
got cancelled. Look at Firefly and Arrested Development and Studio 60 and Oh Family Guy
got cancelled twice…hmm what else?
Lorna:
Didn’t need a lesson in TV history.
Oh.
Sorry that came out a little harsh.
Merrill:
Lorna:
Merrill:
It’s ok. You just came back from the dead…you get a little leeway.
Lorna:
Thanks.
Merrill:
So…So what’s it like dying?
I should really call somebody.
Lorna:
Merrill:
Yeah…right. Sorry. People are probably worried…or grieving.
Yeah…probably.
Lorna:
Merrill:
Um here.
He tosses her his phone.
Thanks.
Lorna:
She is about to dial but instead begins to answer Merrill’s question.
It was chaotic.
What?
Lorna:
Merrill:
Philip Dallmann333
Lorna:
Dying. It was chaotic. Like a weird pin wheel was spinning in front of me and I was being
sucked into Beetlejuice’s world. It happens so quickly but in slow motion if that makes any
sense. Then it just went black. I don’t remember a whole lot after that. I remember a panda
bear.
Panda Bear?
Weird I know.
Merrill:
Lorna:
Merrill:
Hey I’ve never died so I have no frame of reference whatsoever.
Lorna:
Well the Panda was there and he spoke like Willy Wonka…Gene Wilder Willy Wonka. He
just kept yelling at this Peanut Butter Jar saying “Good Day Sir! I Said Good Day!”. Then
when I walked forward I remember hearing music…like blues…then everything went purple
and next thing I know I’m being cut open by you.
Merrill:
Hm. Well purple is the color of funk…maybe the afterlife is funky fresh…. Sorry I’m really
bad at jokes…and social situations at all…even normal ones where the people haven’t been
dead. I’m actually much better with people that are dead. I like talking to them. I’m rambling
sorry. I’m just a weird guy.
Lorna:
You seem pretty normal to me. Well besides the whole screaming like a little girl thing.
Merrill:
Well to be fair I thought you were a zombie and going to eat my brains.
Fair enough.
Lorna:
Merrill:
So… don’t you need to call people?
Yeah…can I ask you something?
Sure.
Lorna:
Merrill:
Lorna:
Is it weird that I kind of don’t want to let anyone know?
Philip Dallmann334
Merrill:
What do you mean? Like so that you can go see your own funeral and see how much people
care about you?
Lorna:
No. No nothing like that. That would be selfish.
Merrill:
Good. Yeah…I don’t think anyone would want to do that…
…you would do that wouldn’t you?
No…no…
Lorna:
Merrill:
Lorna:
Be honest or I’ll eat your brains.
Merrill:
Fine…but only because I’m not a hundred percent sure you aren’t the undead. Yes, Yes I
would.
Lorna:
Why?
Merrill:
I just… it would be nice to see who actually cared.
Don’t you have an idea?
Yeah… I just hope I’m wrong.
Lorna:
Merrill:
Lorna:
I don’t follow.
Merrill:
I… I don’t think there would be a lot of people there. Actually I think there might only be 2.
My roommate Alex and Tara the front desk woman out there…and she’d only be going
because presumably there’d be some type of free food.
Lorna:
Your family wouldn’t come?
Philip Dallmann335
Merrill:
I don’t really have any. My parents are gone and I’m an only child. I think I have a cousin
out in San Francisco but I haven’t seen him since He-Man was big.
You don’t have any friends? A girlfriend?
Lorna:
Merrill:
Alex is my only friend from college…and girls don’t really like to date guys that cut up dead
people…or at least not ones with out dyed black hair, filed teeth, and piercings places that
just aren’t ok.
I kind of know what you mean.
Lorna:
Merrill:
Really? I figured a ton of people would be at your funeral.
Lorna:
Oh no there would definitely be a ton of people. Big family, lots of friends, coworkers,
sorority sisters, old boyfriends…
Gotcha.
Merrill:
Lorna:
Well…this kind of leads to what I was going to say…
Which was?
Merrill:
Lorna:
It might be nice to get rid of all of that and start fresh. Completely blank slate.
You wouldn’t miss all of those people?
Merrill:
Lorna:
Honestly? No.
Merrill:
Wow. I don’t even know these people and I could tell you that I would kill for just one of
them to come into my life and care enough to come to my funeral.
Lorna:
It’s not that I’m not appreciative of them. I am. They’ve all been important to me and given
me many things…I just think maybe I’ve had all the time I needed with them. Maybe I was
Philip Dallmann336
only supposed to spend 30 years with them…and then God or whoever threw me back here
to start new…to do it differently.
Merrill:
I would totally do it differently if I had the chance.
Exactly.
Lorna:
Merrill:
How exactly are you going to do this though? I mean you’re legally dead. You cant just go to
the ATM and pull out cash to get on the road.
Lorna:
Yeah…no…Oh dammit I hate when I do that.
Do what?
Merrill:
Lorna:
Say “yeah no”. It’s just people contradicting themselves. It’s dumb.
Yeah, no I agree.
Merrill:
Lorna:
Smart ass….you’re right though. I’m not sure how I’m going to do this.
Merrill:
Well… I could give you some money. I mean just to start out. I don’t have a ton but do you
think $500 could get you started?
Lorna:
I’m not taking your money Merrill. You’re going to have enough problems when I disappear
and you’re missing a body.
Merrill:
I hadn’t thought about that. That will be tricky.
Yeah.
Lorna:
Merrill:
Yeah…You know you are probably the only person who can say they had a death
experience?
What?
Lorna:
Philip Dallmann337
Merrill:
Like you know how people say they had near death experiences? Well you actually died and
not like the whole flatlining for 15 seconds on the operating table dead you were 48 hours in
the morgue about to get sliced open dead…I don’t know…I think it’s pretty cool.
…yeah. Yeah it is. Merrill.
Lorna:
Merrill:
Hm?
Lorna:
You said you talk to everyone…all the dead people?
Merrill:
Yeah…I mean not in a weird way…it just…gets lonely and quiet in here…so I just talk to
them…you were the first one to talk back.
Glad I could keep you on your toes.
That’s an understatement.
Lorna:
Merrill:
Lorna:
What were you talking to me about before I came back to life?
Merrill:
Um…nothing…really…I don’t really remember.
Lorna:
Merrill. I have know you for less than 30 minutes and I can tell you that you are possibly the
worst liar ever.
Merrill:
I…well I was contemplating why it was sadder to me when attractive people die.
Lorna:
Because you weren’t upset because I’m ugly?
Merrill:
No! No! no it was because you were so beautiful…I mean dead…but beautiful…I mean I
guess you weren’t really dead…but you were I mean are beautiful.
Lorna:
Merrill. I’m fucking with you.
Philip Dallmann338
Oh.
That’s very sweet of you to say though.
Well…it’s true.
Merrill:
Lorna:
Merrill:
Lorna:
Come with me.
What?
Come with me. Start fresh with me.
I…I can’t.
Why not?
Merrill:
Lorna:
Merrill:
Lorna:
Merrill:
Because I didn’t die.
Lorna:
Exactly. It makes it easier for you to just leave.
You’re serious.
Dead serious.
Merrill:
Lorna:
Merrill:
Bad pun serious.
The baddest.
Ok.
Really?
Lorna:
Merrill:
Lorna:
Philip Dallmann339
Merrill:
Yeah. Yeah. Why the hell not?
All right. Well let’s get going then.
Oh one thing first.
Sure.
Lorna:
Merrill:
Lorna:
He goes and grabs a match, lights a tongue depressor on fire and lunges toward Lorna. She blows it out.
What the fuck was that?
Lorna:
Merrill:
Sorry…I had to make sure you weren’t a zombie…I heard they don’t like fire.
Lorna:
Don’t try to burn me with a tongue depressor again.
Merrill:
Yes ma’m.
Lorna:
Good. Now let’s go start fresh. Me legally dead and you…well you just being a rebel.
Merrill:
A rebel? Now that’s something I’ve never been called.
You’re a regular rebel with out a cause.
Lorna:
Merrill:
Yeah.
She kisses him.
Lorna:
Now come on James Dean. I need some clothes. I look like a flasher for coma patients in
this.
Yes ma’m.
Merrill:
Philip Dallmann340
She exits. He takes a moment. He thinks about not going. He got caught up in all of it. This isn’t him.
He’s not a rebel. He’s the exact opposite. He then picks up his phone. There are no texts and no voicemails.
He throws it in the trash and then exits.
Black out.
9/8/2011 The Hat Makes The Man
A man is sitting on a chair with what clearly is the Pope’s hat. The Pope enters.
What are you doing?
Being the Pope.
Pope:
Man:
Pope:
I’m the Pope.
No. I’m the Pope.
No. I’m the Pope.
Man:
Pope:
Man:
I’m wearing the hat therefore I am the Pope.
Pope:
That’s not how it works.
Man:
Doesn’t it though? What’s different between a normal old, catholic guy and the Pope?
Pope:
Lots of things…I mean there’s the whole…
Hat. You get a hat.
Man:
Pope:
Well it’s not just a hat.
Man:
Fine it’s a doofy top hat that has been bejeweled.
Philip Dallmann341
Are you Jewish?
No…why?
No reason.
Pope:
Man:
Pope:
Man:
Any who as Pope I’ve decided to make a Holy Fart Day.
What?
Pope:
Man:
I know it sounds childish but hear me out. Are there really a more repressed people than the
Catholics?
Well I wouldn’t call us repressed.
Pope:
Man:
The correct answer is no. Catholics are super repressed. That’s the problem. Its making us
mean. I mean we just picked a Nazi as Pope, no offense.
Offense taken.
Pope:
Man:
You can’t take offense when someone says no offense. It’s a rule.
Pope:
No it’s not.
It’s in the Bible.
No it’s not.
How do you know?
Man:
Pope:
Man:
Pope:
I’m the Pope.
Philip Dallmann342
Where is your hat?
I don’t…
Man:
Pope:
Man:
Exactly! No hat no Pope. I have the hat and I am the Pope. Therefore, as Pope, I am
declaring July 10th Catholic Fart Day. On that day we can freely let all of our repression out
of our butts in the name of Jesus and the Virgin Mary.
A Cardinal enters.
Cardinal:
Sir it’s time for Mass.
My public awaits. Nancy fetch my robes.
My name isn’t…
NANCY! My robes.
Ok…
Man:
Cardinal:
Man:
Cardinal:
Man:
God Bless.
Don’t get him anything. He isn’t Pope.
He has the hat.
Pope:
Cardinal:
Cardinal exits.
Pope:
Fine. Be Pope. I didn’t want to be Pope anyway.
Man:
Yeah sorry they got rid of that whole Furher thing didn’t they?
I hate you more than the Jews.
Pope:
Philip Dallmann343
Man:
I knew it! Nazi! (Said like Yahtzee!)
Pope:
Oh my god…
Man:
Blasphemy! Out of the Pope’s chambers! Out I say!
Pope:
Fine. I’m leaving.
Man:
Good. I need to glue some jewels on my hat. I want to put my initials on the back.
Pope exits. Man starts gluing.
Man:
Pope, pope, popety pope…
Black Out.
9/9/2011 Modern Black Mail
A father sorts through some bills. Enter his son with a paper in his hand.
Son:
Dad, if I give you ten dollars will you give me twenty dollars?
Father:
Son. I love you, but that is the dumbest thing you’ve ever said. Why would I do that?
Son:
Because I printed out your internet history.
Father:
You know what why don’t we make it fifty?
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann344
9/10/2011 Please sir, May I Have Some More?
A man and his husband feed their baby.
1:
Oh come on honey. You loved sweet potatoes yesterday.
How about peas? Yum Yum.
Air plane?
2:
1:
2:
Try it.
1 zooms all around.
Nothing.
1:
2:
Well at least we know she won’t be fat.
1:
Our child has an eating disorder at 7 months old and you’re worried about her getting fat?
It’s hardly an eating disorder.
She won’t eat.
2:
1:
2:
She’s not hungry. See that’s the whole problem with Americans today. We eat when we’re
not hungry.
1:
You say that as if you’re from some far away super healthy country.
I am. It’s called Montana.
Shut up. I saw your Grandmother.
2:
1:
2:
Are you calling my Grandmother, may her blessed soul rest in peace, FAT?
Philip Dallmann345
1:
…no.
Oh my god. You are.
2:
1:
Well…fine, I’m not getting out of this one anyway. Yes she was fat. The woman was 5 foot
1 and weighed roughly 280. That to me is fat.
SHE WAS BUILT MONTANA STRONG!
That’s not even a thing.
2:
1:
2:
You and Charles Dickens can go right to hell.
1:
How did Dickens get thrown into this besides the obvious gay joke that is blaring through
my brain right now?
Hello? Oliver?
What?
2:
1:
2:
Um “Please sir, May I have some more?” He is the cause of childhood obesity.
1:
Again. What?
2:
Every kid almost everywhere sees that damn play or movie or reads that book, and they
learn that they should always ask for more.
1:
But Oliver was hungry. There’s a huge hole in your…
2:
IRRELEVANT! I think as concerned citizens of this country we should protest that book
unless they change that line.
Philip Dallmann346
You are aware you’re a crazy person right?
I prefer eccentric.
Of course you do.
1:
2:
1:
2:
We will solve childhood obesity. Together.
Green Beans? Look our child is eating.
1:
2:
I guess she was hungry, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t thousands of…
1:
All right Bill Sykes take it down a notch we’re trying to eat.
Black Out.
9/11/2011 Content of Character
JFK is sitting on a bench. Enter MLK Jr.
Hey…John.
Martin, how are you?
MLK:
JFK:
MLK:
I’m good…I…nope. Not going to do it. This is offensive.
The Writer enters.
It’s funny.
No it’s offensive.
Writer:
MLK:
Writer:
Malcolm would’ve done it.
Philip Dallmann347
MLK:
If I didn’t believe in nonviolence you’d be missing teeth right now.
Writer:
Listen, Martin… I have a dream… A dream that someday my characters…
JFK stands up and punches the Writer.
JFK:
I don’t believe in nonviolence. Remember Vietnam?
Wanna grab a milkshake?
Sounds wonderful.
MLK:
JFK:
Black Out.
9/12/2011 Matrix Mom
A pregnant woman and her mother have coffee, decaf of course.
G:
I think I’d rather not be called Grandma when you have the baby.
M:
Mom, every Grandma says that. You aren’t old just because you have a grandchild.
G:
I just don’t like the ring of it.
OK, what would you prefer? Nana?
M:
G:
Oh god no. That’s worse. I was thinking Ultra Mom or Neo Mom.
M:
I was unaware I was bringing a child into the Matrix.
G:
Mom the First.
M:
Mom. You can call yourself what ever you want. Besides Bill’s mom said that she wanted to
be called Grandma so that’s all good.
Philip Dallmann348
G:
She what? Oh no. I will be the child’s Grandma. I will not be the other grandparent. When
they talk about their Grandma with love flowing out of their eyes they will be talking about
me.
M:
OK.
Good. Glad that’s settled.
G:
Black Out.
9/13/2011 Disney Divorce Rate
Sisters sit in their room getting ready to go out. (Early teens)
Madison:
Do you think Mom and Dad would ever get a divorce?
No…Why?
Just thinking out loud.
Kind of morbid thinking.
Beth:
Madison:
Beth:
Madison:
Well I’m just being realistic. The divorce rate is like…really high.
Over 50 percent.
I was going to say that.
Beth:
Madison:
Beth:
Mom and Dad have been together forever, I don’t think we have anything to worry about.
Madison:
But that’s just it. They’re all each other has ever known. What if one of them wants to find
what else is out there?
Beth:
Or maybe they found what’s out there in each other and are really happy.
Philip Dallmann349
I bet it would be Mom.
What?
Madison:
Beth:
Madison:
I bet it would be Mom who feels unfulfilled and like takes off to Italy or somewhere with a
really inappropriately younger guy.
Why Mom?
Beth:
Madison:
She just has that look.
What look?
The one where she’s a little dead inside.
Mom isn’t dead inside.
Beth:
Madison:
Beth:
Madison:
She is. You can see the despair growing in her eyes every time Dad says “ Just write on my
grave he tried his hardest to make us laugh”.
Beth:
You realize that if they get a divorce we’ll have to go back and forth between them right?
So?
Madison:
Beth:
So? What if they don’t live in the same town…or state even? During the week we’re here in
Durham but maybe every other weekend and all summer we’re in…New Jersey or
…Dubuque.
Madison:
You take that back. I will never set foot in an Iowa hick town again…not after…
Well…it could happen.
I…
Beth:
Madison:
Philip Dallmann350
Enter Mom and Dad.
Here you girls are.
Listen girls we need to talk.
Mom:
Dad:
Mom:
There’s something really important we need to discuss with you.
Madison:
No. NO! I’M NOT GOING BACK TO THE CORN FIELDS!
Madison runs crying.
Beth:
Can’t you see what you two are doing to this family?
Beth exits.
Mom:
I thought they wanted to go to Disney World?
Dad:
Guess they’re just Goofy.
Mom stares at him. Gets up and exits.
Dad:
Just write it on my grave…he made us laugh.
Black Out.
9/14/2011 Blind Fury
A couple lies in bed.
M:
Honey I just want to let you know, that if you were blind I wouldn’t take advantage of you.
W:
Good. A blind lady shooting a gun isn’t good for anyone.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann351
9/15/2011 Untitled #4
Fred walks into his coworker Mike’s office.
Hey Mike you’re gay right?
Seriously?
Fred:
Mike:
Fred:
No I know you’re gay I just needed a segway into this conversation.
Mike:
I’m listening.
So I keep having this thought.
Mhmm.
Fred:
Mike:
Fred:
Every time I watch…every time I watch Troy…I… I keep thinking or rather wondering
what it would be like…to you know…with Brad Pitt.
I don’t know Fred.
Mike:
Fred:
You know.
I haven’t the slightest clue.
Mike:
Fred:
What it would be like to have sex with Brad Pitt.
I knew what you meant.
Mike:
Fred:
Ass hole.
Mike:
So what’s your question? Because I often think of having sex with Brad Pitt too but I’ve
never seen Troy.
Philip Dallmann352
I…want to know if it makes me gay.
Fred:
Mike:
Because you wonder what it would be like to have sex with possibly the most attractive man
alive?
Yes.
No. No that does not make you gay.
Fred:
Mike:
Fred:
Phew. That is a relief. I did not want to have that conversation with Megan.
Now that shirt, that shirt makes you gay.
It’s Armani.
Mike:
Fred:
Mike:
It’s lavender with a faded floral design. Even I’m not that gay and I bought out all the body
glitter in Brooklyn last time Lady Gaga came to town.
Fred:
This makes me gay but thinking about gentle but strong gay sex with Brad Pitt doesn’t?
Mike:
Mhmm. It’s a complicated lifestyle.
Black Out.
9/16/2011 Running Late For Meatloaf
A man enters his mother’s room at a nursing home.
Hey Mom.
Brian:
Mom:
Marcus, is that you?
No Ma, it’s Brian.
Brian:
Philip Dallmann353
Oh. When is Marcus coming?
Mom:
Brian:
Umm…later Ma. How are you doing today?
Mom:
Oh fine. I beat that man, Bill, next door in Rummy this morning.
Brian:
Of course you did. You remember teaching me and Marcus?
Mom:
Mhmm. Marcus almost beat me a few times. Where is that boy? He’s never late.
Brian:
He…uh…told me that he got held up at work.
Mom:
Boy is going to work himself to death like his father. That’s what killed him you know?
Retirement.
I’m sure the massive heart attack helped.
Brian:
Mom:
Yes…well…
She grabs a hard candy and begins fiddling with the wrapper.
Ma?
Brian:
Mom:
Marcus?
No Ma…. It’s Brian.
Oh. Where is Marcus?
He’s…he’s running late.
Brian:
Mom:
Brian:
Mom:
Hm that boy.
Philip Dallmann354
How was lunch today Ma? Anything good?
Lunch? I didn’t eat lunch yet.
Brian:
Mom:
Brian:
The nurse said you ate your whole piece of chicken and sweet potato casserole.
Mom:
Oh. Chicken was too dry. Your father…now that man could cook a chicken. That’s what
killed him you know? All that fat he left on the chicken.
Brian:
Yeah...
Mom:
Where is he anyway? That man is always late.
Ma you just said…
Brian:
Mom:
You know he was late for our first date? I almost didn’t go, but he brought roses and I had
my new dress so it seemed like the right thing to do.
Yeah, it worked out though didn’t it?
Brian:
Mom:
Is he out with your brother? Those two are so much alike. Both of them eat like horses,
especially my meatloaf, good lord there ain’t none left when they get through. Both are
stubborn, hard headed men too.
That’s one way to put it.
Brian:
Mom:
I can’t tell your father nothin. I wanted to move to Canada when he got drafted he went of
to that Vietnam. I wanted blue walls he painted them green. You seen that green…just
awful…just awful. Brian…
Yes ma?
Brian:
Mom:
When do we go home? It’s cold here. You know I don’t like a draft.
Philip Dallmann355
He ma, put on your sweater.
Oh thank you.
All right Ma…I have to go.
Brian:
Mom:
Brian:
Mom:
Oh Ok.
I love you.
I love you too.
Brian:
Mom:
She touches his face and stares for a moment.
Marcus?
Yes ma.
It’s good to see you.
Mom:
Brian:
Mom:
Brian:
I’ll see you again soon, you and Dad.
I’ll make meatloaf.
My favorite.
Mom:
Brian:
He kisses her again and exits as she falls asleep.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann356
9/17/2011 What
A woman interrogates a man who is handcuffed to the chair.
You aren’t human?
Margaret:
1:
Correct.
What are you?
Margaret:
1:
Not human.
Where are you from?
Margaret:
1:
No where….everywhere…not here.
This is a waste of time.
Margaret:
1:
Is it…Margaret?
So you read minds?
Margaret:
Or signatures.
1:
He points to a paper in front of him.
Margaret:
Oh. Why were you underneath the bridge?
You’ll see…. (overdramatically) You’ll all see.
1:
Margaret:
I’m going to go ahead and check the box that says you’re just a crazy.
1:
Well, I don’t blame you.
Philip Dallmann357
Margaret:
Glad we agree.
1:
It was lovely to meet you Margaret.
Margaret:
I wish I could say the same.
The lights go out. There is commotion. When the lights come up Margaret’s neck has been broken, 1 is gone,
and 3 men in suits have rushed in.
Black Suit:
Damn it. Not again.
Black Out.
9/18/2011 Original Disney Animation
Inside Disney Studios. An artist is drawing as Walt Disney enters.
Artist:
Oh Mr. Disney, how are you?
Disney:
Good, good. I just wanted to drop off a new draft of the new Mickey bit.
Oh thanks.
Enjoy.
Artist:
Disney:
Artist begins to look them over as Walt Disney exits.
Um, Mr. Disney?
Yes?
Artist:
Disney:
Artist:
Why….why does Mickey have a white hood on?
He’s a ghost.
Disney:
Philip Dallmann358
Artist:
Oh…but don’t ghosts have sort of rounded tops?
Disney:
I like it with a little point. Makes it original.
Artist:
Yeah…but doesn’t it make it look like something?
Disney:
Yeah. A ghost.
Sir, it looks like a Klan hood.
No it doesn’t.
Look.
Artist:
Disney:
Artist:
Disney:
I don’t see it. Now you’ll see that I added a character to the end. Draw it up.
Mr. Disney exits. Artist reads his notes.
Artist:
Jewey the big nosed, cheap elephant, who gets accidentally cooked in an oven…oh dear god.
Black Out.
9/19/2011 Generation Gap
A teacher is in the classroom as the kids trickle in. Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” plays as the
countdown to get to class.
Student:
Why can’t they play somethin good here? I want some Chris Brown up in this piece.
Teacher:
Chris Brown is fine but that’s Stevie Wonder.
Student:
Pssh Stevie Wonder ain’t shit. He sure as heeell ain’t no Chris Brown.
Teacher:
…And Fail.
Philip Dallmann359
Black out.
9/20/2011 Fighting Out Of The Corner
2 Roommates watch a movie.
Eric:
Do you think there will ever be a moment in my life where I can say “no one puts baby in a
corner” and it be completely epic and awesome?
This a big dream of yours?
Kyle:
Eric:
No…I mean….it’s something I’ve thought about, like a few times or everyday but I mean
it’s totally whatever. I’m just saying like what if I had a guinea pig named baby and you put it
in the corner?
Kyle:
We agreed if we ever got a guinea pig we’d name it Data and buy it a mini trench coat.
Eric:
Ok bad example. What if say we were boxing and you pushed me into the corner and I said
that and then came out swinging?
Kyle:
Moot point. You have a glass jaw, I’d knock you out in 20 seconds tops.
Eric:
DAMN IT KYLE WHEN THE HELL CAN I SAY NO ONE PUTS BABY IN A
CORNER!
Kyle:
Easy. You can say it ironically if I put a Baby Ruth candy bar in the corner of the fridge.
Eric:
You put my soul in a corner kyle…my soul is in a corner and it’s never coming out.
Eric exits slamming the door.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann360
9/21/2011 Trollin
A troll walks out on the stage. Not the scary kind, the kind with the funky fresh hair and gem belly button.
A gay man pass.
Man:
MmMmMMMMm.
Hey. Do I look gay to you?
Troll:
Man:
Rainbow hair and a belly button ring? You don’t look gay.
Exact…
Troll:
Man:
You look like a bad drag queen, but that’s kind of my thing.
Fuck my life…
Troll:
A kid runs by and pokes him in the belly.
Black Out.
9/22/2011 Give’em The Guns
A dying father is lying in bed. His son is by his side.
Son…
Yes dad?
Dad:
Son:
Dad:
Son…
Son:
What is it Dad?
I’m going to be gone soon…I…I…
Dad:
Philip Dallmann361
Yes?
I…wanted to tell you…
Yes?
Son:
Dad:
Son:
Dad:
…wanted to tell you….
Yes?
No matter what…
Yes?
Son:
Dad:
Son:
Dad:
…always give’em the guns.
Dad mimes shooting with both of his hands and then promptly dies.
Black Out.
9/23/2011 Nutritional Assessment: An Exaggeration
A woman is in a doctor’s office.
Mom:
Now you’re tellin me that my son is overweight and at RISK for diabetes (pr. Dye-Ah-Beatiss)
Doc:
Ma’am, Ronald is 324 pounds and only 16. Not to mention not even six feet tall.
Mom:
Ronald is big boned like his mother. You tellin me that I’m overweight and at risk for
diabetes?
Well…yes.
Oh.
Doc:
Mom:
Philip Dallmann362
Doc:
Now I think the first step is to see a nutritionist. They’ll suggest a new diet plan for Ronald
and yourself, but I know the first thing she’ll say is to cut out all the sugar products, candy,
soda, etc.
OK. We can do that.
Mom:
Doc:
Great. Here’s your referral, best of luck.
Thanks.
Mom:
Ronald O/S:
Ma? Can we stop at McDonald’s on the way home?
Mom:
Yes Sugar, but you can’t have no soda and only one order of fries.
Black out.
9/24/2011 MoneyBall
A guy is waiting with two beers at a table. His friend enters.
Hey bud.
Hey how was the movie?
1:
2:
1:
Good.
What’d you end up seeing?
That movie Moneyball.
2:
1:
2:
Yeah I heard good things about that, it was good?
1:
It was inspiring.
Philip Dallmann363
2:
Really? I think that’s the first time anything having to do with the Oakland Athletics was
referred to as inspiring.
It inspired me to change my life man.
…how?
1:
2:
1:
With women. I have a whole new outlook on women.
2:
This should be good.
1:
OK. So Moneyball is all about compiling a team of players with certain strengths so
statistically you have a balanced squad right?
Sure.
2:
1:
It removes the idea that you need one or more all stars.
OK.
2:
1:
SO, here’s what I’m thinking. I compile a rotation of women who have different strengths. I
date say like 4-5 girls casually at once instead of keep getting shot down by the quote
unquote all stars.
You have a problem.
2:
1:
No, hear me out. So say Girl Number One has big ole boobs, Number Two is a homebody
but hilarious, Number Three can deep throat a baseball bat, Number Four is super
spontaneous…in the bedroom, and say Number Five…is a little dumb but has a really pretty
face. With that rotation I am completely satisfied and maybe one of them develops like
Albert Pujols out of nowhere and I got me a wife…if not I’m having a lot of fun.
2:
I hate that your ridiculous, slightly offensive ideas have such sound logic.
A well endowed woman enters.
Philip Dallmann364
1:
And I just found my Ace.
Black Out.
9/25/2011 Tis, Your Mama
We are in Marlowe’s house. He is writing.
Marlowe:
Ah. Finished. Romeo and Juliet, you shall be my masterpiece. Time for Meade and bed.
Marlowe exits and the lights dim. A man enters sneakily. He grabs the manuscript and before leaving takes
the inkwell and writes “Two Gentleman and Your Mother”. He exits. Marlowe reenters.
Marlowe:
Almost forgot my…what the?...Oh that sonofa…. SHAKESPEARE!!!
Maniacal laughter is heard off stage.
Black Out.
9/26/2011 A Time To Edit
An unnamed character enters a room where the Writer is writing.
Ahem.
What?
UC:
Writer:
UC:
I don’t get a name?
So?
Writer:
UC:
Well at least some of these characters get a “1” or “2”, I get “unnamed”?
Writer:
All right….you’re right, I’m so…wait a minute….Susan?
UC:
No…
Philip Dallmann365
Susan.
Writer:
UC:
Who’s Susan? Are you writing another historical satire with Susan B. Anthony? Cause that
would be great….and actually original.
Susan Pulitzer Prize Winner Lori-Parks.
Yes…
Writer:
SLP:
Writer:
I knew it.
You wrote it.
SLP:
Writer:
Still… Can’t get nothin by this guy. Smart as a whip.
SLP:
You literally have the ability to decide what you say in these plays, you have 24 hours to
write and edit your own dialogue, and yet you still say dumb ass shit like that.
Well…I…
Writer:
SLP:
Here’s what I’m goin to tell you. Stop writing me until you get to 300. I don’t want to hear
about you when you’re just in the area code of my amazing, unprecedented writing
accomplishment. Call me when you’re in my driveway.
Suzan Lori-Parks exits.
Writer:
Fine! I will! And I’m going to beep a lot when I get there! Like at least 14 times!
Suzan Lori-Parks reenters.
SLP:
Seriously. You have literally hours to edit. What the fuck?
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann366
9/27/2011 Theatricality of Life
The Writer enters.
Writer:
I’m sorry. I was going to write a completely original piece about the falling out between best
friends when one of them finds a significant other while the other is still single…and they
were probably going to be bunnies…bunnies are always adorable and just really tug at your
heart strings…and maybe tomorrow I will write that…actually tomorrow I will probably
write that. Today though, today I saw a kid in a special education class lick his art teacher’s
head. She was sitting and he walked up right behind her and licked her head and I think that
is all the play and theater that could fit into today.
The Writer begins to exit but turns back to the audience.
Writer:
Seriously. He licked it. Big ole tongue full of art teacher hair….ridiculous.
Black Out.
9/28/2011 Real Bunnies
A rabbit is in his apartment on his phone.
Paul:
Hey Lisa…it’s Paul…just callin to see what’s up…I’m watchin Real Housewives of
Atlanta…it’s much more fun when we watch it after a few carrots…so yeah…give me a call
back. I miss you. We should hang out soon. All right, I will talk to you later. Bye.
He hangs up.
Paul:
What? It’s not like that. Well…I mean it’s like something…just not that….and by that I
mean romantic. It’s not romantic. We’re best friends and I just miss her. She got this new
boyfriend and so she’s real busy all the time. Which is cool, I mean I get it. You meet
someone, it’s all new and exciting so you want to spend time with them. It makes sense. I
just think that even when all of that is happening it isn’t super hard to have a carrot with
your best friend since you were a baby bunny. A carrot, that’s all. Takes like 30 minutes. I’m
not bitter. I swear I’m not bitter. It’s just…well it’s just now it’s really just sad when I start
talkin all super sassy while watching RHOA. It’s funny and stuff when she’s here doing it
with me. What ever. I’m fine. You know what? This is a good thing. This will help me. I
need new bunnies in my life. Maybe I’ll meet someone. Then who will be sitting up waiting
with fresh baked carrot cake? Not this rabbit. Hell nah. I’m gonna be eating carrot pudding
off a tail somewhere….too much? OK. Good to know. I need boundaries. Lisa usually keeps
me in check…I…Sigh. Real Housewives your weaves just depress me now.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann367
9/29/2011 I Could Just Eat You Up
A bar. A few minutes after last call. The crowd is dwindling.
That’s actually really interesting.
Rebecca:
Billy:
Really? No one finds botany interesting, not even botanists.
Rebecca:
I’ve always thought plants were fascinating.
Billy:
That’s…awesome haha.
Rebecca:
Are you going to ask me for my number or not?
I was getting to it.
Here, give me your phone.
Billy:
Rebecca:
Billy:
OK.
There. Now you better call me.
Just did.
Cute.
Rebecca:
Billy:
Rebecca:
Billy:
I have been compared to both puppies and a baby’s laugh.
Rebecca:
Do you want to come back to my place? Sorry is that too forward?
Billy:
Uh no…no…yeah sure I’d love to. That’d be cool.
Great. My car’s right outside.
Rebecca:
Philip Dallmann368
They get up to leave. Lights fade out. When they come up Billy is beaten to a pulp with his hand handcuffed
to a fence. Rebecca enters.
God you’re cute.
Rebecca:
She walks over to him and kisses him.
Rebecca:
Mmm. You taste so good. I don’t think I’ll need barbeque sauce for you.
She pulls out a knife.
Black Out.
9/30/2011 Sexual Harassment
A Class room
Mr. Farrelly?
Simon:
Mr. Farelly:
Yes Simon?
Is Sex Sexual Harassment?
No Sex is Sex.
Oh….what is sex?
Simon:
Mr. Farelly:
Simon:
Mr. Farelly:
It’s what me and your mom did last night. BOO YA!...now see that is sexual harassment.
Class please turn to page 32…The Age of Chivalry.
Black Out.
10/1/2011 Typhoon
A woman walks into her bedroom. When she enters she sees her husband dressed as a superhero. Specifically
as the Typhoon.
Honey…What the fuck?
Oh.
Tara:
Daryl:
Philip Dallmann369
Tara:
Daryl…why are you wearing tights?
Daryl:
Well I saw this thing on HBO about how there are real superheroes out there, fighting crime
and stuff…so I figured…
Tara:
That you’d sew yourself up some tights and join the party?
Yeah…
And what kind of superhero are you?
Daryl:
Tara:
Daryl:
I’m TYPHOOOOON! I’m going to wash away this city’s crime.
She is trying to stifle laughter.
Daryl:
How cool will it be that your husband is a superhero? I mean you can be Mary Jane to my
Spiderman.
Ok Tiger, I’ll make a deal with you.
Tara:
Daryl:
Ok.
Tara:
I’ll let…what ever type of nervous break down this is go on, if you can take this pen out of
my hand.
Baby, I don’t want to hurt you.
Your mother’s stuffing is dry and mealy.
Daryl:
Tara:
He charges her and she puts him on his ass.
Tara:
I wonder if Mary Jane ever put Peter Parker down like this?
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann370
10/2/2011 Fifteen Yards
A couple is deciding what to do on a Friday night.
1:
So what movie do you want to see?
2:
I really want to see that new Kate Winslet one?
Yeah?
Yeah, I think it looks cute.
1:
2:
1:
Cute…right…
What do you want to see?
...He-Man.
Oh.
2:
1:
2:
1:
Yeah…we can see your one though. That’s fine.
No… it’s OK…
2:
1:
I mean… it’s not like I didn’t take off last week for your grandfather’s funeral…
A yellow flag flies on stage and a whistle is blown. A referee runs out.
Ref:
Personal Foul. Unnecessary use of a death in the family. Sleeping on the couch, going to
Kate Winslet movie.
He blows his whistle again and runs off.
Philip Dallmann371
Black Out.
10/3/2011 Plagues
Moses enters the Pharaoh’s chambers.
Moses! Brother! How are you?
P:
M:
Eh a little crick in my neck by not so bad.
P:
Those frogs were a doozy. You almost had me. I woke up with a frog on my face and I
thought well I better let them Jews go.
Yeah?
Then I had a Jew kill the frog. All better.
Gotcha.
M:
P:
M:
P:
So what’s up next?
Well Mosquitoes are up next.
Itchy…nice.
Then some flies and wild animals.
M:
P:
M:
P:
Very cool.
M:
Then all the cows and live stock are going to die.
OK… so stock up on milk…good.
P:
M:
Then un-healable boils will just appear on people.
Philip Dallmann372
P:
Ouch. That could suck.
Then hail and thunder.
M:
P:
Gotta make sure I put some plastic over those pyramids then right? Ha. I joke but seriously
I’ll have to work something out.
Then locusts.
M:
P:
Again annoying and we’ll have to make some bread when we get the milk.
M:
Then darkness.
How do you mean?
Like no sunlight.
So like Seattle?
P:
M:
P:
M:
No not like Seattle. Like pitch black no light.
P:
…so like Seattle. Well that all seems doable Moses, glad we had this chat.
If you get through all of that I got one more.
M:
P:
Really? Oh! Let me guess….ummm…all of our women will grow mustaches? No no! I
know! Zombie attack. Definitely Zombie attack.
No.
M:
P:
Then what is it? Because I was really hoping for the Zombie attack or seeing my mother in
law with a mustache.
Philip Dallmann373
M:
All the first-borns will die.
Oh.
P:
M:
Yeah… so …let’s hope the whole darkness and no milk for your Rice Crispies does it for
you.
P:
Yeah…I mean this was all funny…and then go and say kids are going to die.
Yeah…dying kids is never funny.
M:
P:
No…no it’s not.
M:
Like when your pops drowned all those babies?
P:
Well that’s different…I mean they were slave babies….not real babies.
M:
And there that is. Ok bud, I’m gonna go and get started with all the back 8 of my plagues
and you just let me know when you’re good and we can all skidaddle out of here.
Moses goes to exit.
Moses?
Yeah?
What if a baby died from laughter?
Still not funny.
P:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Gotcha.
Philip Dallmann374
Black Out.
10/4/2011 Tipping
On stage a person is planking on a railing or similar surface. 2 other people enter.
2:
Hey someone is planking…remember how that was relevant a couple months ago?
1:
Yeah. I was thinking about starting a new craze.
Yeah? What are you thinking?
Tipping.
2:
1:
1 walks over and tips the person planking over.
You just got tipped.
1:
1 drops a couple coins.
1:
See what I did there?
2:
You tipped them over AND then gave a tip with actual currency.
Yep double entandra.
1:
2:
You should make it a triple entandra by then giving them a tip for life.
1:
You are a genius.
1 turns to yell at the person now on the ground.
ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM!
1:
2:
Good…good.
Philip Dallmann375
1 and 2 exit.
Black Out.
10/5/2011 Chalk Talk
2 kids sit on the floor coloring.
Can you pass me the green crayon?
I will knock your teeth out with a hammer.
Trees can be red.
1:
2:
1:
Black Out.
10/6/2011 101 Problems
2 men at a pizza place
Hey Vinny.
What’s up?
Pauly:
Vinny:
Pauly:
Do you think Dalmatians are racist?
What?
Dalmatians. Do you think they’re racist?
How could they be? They got black spots.
Vinny:
Pauly:
Vinny:
Pauly:
No, I mean if one didn’t have spots or one was just all spot, do you think they’d be mean to
it?
I don’t know.
Vinny:
Philip Dallmann376
Pauly:
I hope not man. That would be very sad.
How’s things at home Pauly?
Not good man. Not good.
Vinny:
Pauly:
Black Out.
10/7/2011 Skeleton in the Closet
Fred and Daphne have a moment alone in some haunted place.
Jeez Freddie it sure is spooky here.
It’ll be OK. I’m here.
D:
F:
They peer around.
Daphne?
Yes Freddie?
F:
D:
F:
I …I wanted to tell you something…I’ve wanted to tell you this for a long time.
D:
Oh Freddie. I love you too. I always have. I just…I just never wanted to make Velma feel
bad…you know? Cause she’s so unfortunate.
F:
Velma is finishing her Masters at Yale.
D:
Exactly. She’s kind of a nerd….and with that awful tick. (mockingly) Jinkies! Jinkies! Jinkies!
Daphne.
F:
Philip Dallmann377
D:
Oh I’m sorry. This is so great Freddie. I’m so happy we can be together now. We can finally
get out of that van. Maybe get a Volvo, or maybe the Volvo can wait until we have kids.
Shaggy is never allowed near our kids. They will not have contact highs at 6 months old.
And can we just pretend we don’t know Scrappy? I mean he seems like the kind of dog to
get super jealous of a baby. And…
Daphne.
Yes love of my life?
F:
D:
F:
I’m gay.
Come again?
D:
F:
I’m gay. That’s what I wanted to tell you. Everybody else knows and I kind of thought you
did….ya know…with the ascot and all…but I guess not.
D:
Oh… I totally knew….I was just joking…you know…I love you jokes are totes in right
now.
Maybe but totes was never in.
F:
He walks away.
I hate gay Freddie.
D:
Black Out.
10/8/2011 Apple Standards
2 friends are in the library.
What exactly is a diamondback?
1:
2:
It’s a snake.
Philip Dallmann378
Really? Huh.
1:
2:
Why?
1:
I just always imagined it being the gorilla kind.
2:
You mean Silver Back.
1:
Oh.
2:
You have an iPhone dude. No more dumb ass questions or the ghost of Steve Jobs will
haunt you.
Too soon.
I’m sorry.
1:
2:
1:
It’s Ok.
1 goes to sit down.
2:
Boo!
1 screams like a little girl.
Black Out.
10/9/2011 St. Crispian’s Campfire.
Jimmy is cleaning up the camp fire at the English Camp. Enter GLOUCESTER, BEDFORD,
EXETER, ERPINGHAM, with all his host: SALISBURY and WESTMORELAND
Where is the king?
GLOUCESTER:
Jimmy:
The fuck if I know…left a goddamn mess though…
Philip Dallmann379
BEDFORD:
The king himself is rode to view their battle.
Mhmm. Sounds about right.
Jimmy:
WESTMORELAND
Of fighting men they have full three score thousand.
Jimmy:
Seriously? Those French mutha fuckas roll deep.
EXETER
There's five to one; besides, they all are fresh.
Jimmy:
French fresh? Kind of an oxymoron am I right? Eh? Eh?
SALISBURY
God's arm strike with us! 'tis a fearful odds.
God be wi' you, princes all; I'll to my charge:
If we no more meet till we meet in heaven,
Then, joyfully, my noble Lord of Bedford,
My dear Lord Gloucester, and my good Lord Exeter,
And my kind kinsman, warriors all, adieu!
BEDFORD
Farewell, good Salisbury; and good luck go with thee!
EXETER
Farewell, kind lord; fight valiantly to-day:
And yet I do thee wrong to mind thee of it,
For thou art framed of the firm truth of valour.
Exit SALISBURY
He is full of valour as of kindness;
Princely in both.
BEDFORD
Jimmy:
And racist in both…say goodbye to everybody else but not the brotha…
Enter the KING
WESTMORELAND
O that we now had here
But one ten thousand of those men in England
That do no work to-day!
Philip Dallmann380
KING HENRY V
What's he that wishes so?
My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin:
If we are mark'd to die, we are enow
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
Jimmy:
That’s what I’ve been saying to folks. We ain’t heroes if we got more than them. But King
we need to talk about this camp fire…
KING HENRY V:
God's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
Jimmy:
Well I mean now that you brought it up…I was thinkin…maybe we could get some color
coordinated uniforms…nothing too flashy…but maybe a few jewels…I could get a J on
mine…for Jimmy…
KING HENRY V:
Such outward things dwell not in my desires:
OK…message received.
Jimmy:
KING HENRY V:
But if it be a sin to covet honour,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from England:
God's peace! I would not lose so great an honour
As one man more, methinks, would share from me
For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!
Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made
And crowns for convoy put into his purse:
Jimmy:
Fuck that. That motha fucka can walk. You don’t abandon your boys right before battle.
Listen I knew a motha fucka named Mercutio…now that dude was hard. I wish we had him
right now.
Philip Dallmann381
HENRY V:
We would not die in that man's company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is called the feast of Crispian:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian:'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
Jimmy:
That’s what I’m talkin bout. I already got a scar right here from burning myself on that fire,
which I was meaning to talk to you about…
HENRY V:
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispin's day.'
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall our names.
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
Testify!
Jimmy:
HENRY V:
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.
Re-enter SALISBURY
SALISBURY
My sovereign lord, bestow yourself with speed:
The French are bravely in their battles set,
Philip Dallmann382
And will with all expedience charge on us.
KING HENRY V
All things are ready, if our minds be so.
WESTMORELAND
Perish the man whose mind is backward now!
I’m all frontwards.
Jimmy:
KING HENRY V
Thou dost not wish more help from England, coz?
WESTMORELAND
God's will! my liege, would you and I alone,
Without more help, could fight this royal battle!
KING HENRY V
Why, now thou hast unwish'd five thousand men;
Which likes me better than to wish us one.
You know your places: God be with you all!
Tucket. Enter MONTJOY
MONTJOY
Once more I come to know of thee, King Harry,
If for thy ransom thou wilt now compound,
Before thy most assured overthrow:
For certainly thou art so near the gulf,
Thou needs must be englutted. Besides, in mercy,
The constable desires thee thou wilt mind
Thy followers of repentance; that their souls
May make a peaceful and a sweet retire
From off these fields, where, wretches, their poor bodies
Must lie and fester.
Jimmy:
This dude’s got balls. He’s trying to win a fight with out throwin a single punch. Yo Harry let
him know what’s up.
KING HENRY V
Who hath sent thee now?
The Constable of France.
MONTJOY
Philip Dallmann383
KING HENRY V
I pray thee, bear my former answer back:
Bid them achieve me and then sell my bones.
That’s right.
Jimmy:
KING HENRY V:
Good God! why should they mock poor fellows thus?
The man that once did sell the lion's skin
While the beast lived, was killed with hunting him.
A many of our bodies shall no doubt
Find native graves; upon the which, I trust,
Shall witness live in brass of this day's work:
And those that leave their valiant bones in France,
Dying like men, though buried in your dunghills,
Jimmy:
Dung Hills mutha fucka.
KING HENRY V:
They shall be famed; for there the sun shall greet them,
And draw their honours reeking up to heaven;
Leaving their earthly parts to choke your clime,
The smell whereof shall breed a plague in France.
Mark then abounding valour in our English,
That being dead, like to the bullet's grazing,
Break out into a second course of mischief,
Killing in relapse of mortality.
B-U-L-L-E-T-S. Pop Pop!
Jimmy:
KING HENRY V:
Let me speak proudly: tell the constable
We are but warriors for the working-day;
Our gayness and our gilt are all besmirch'd
With rainy marching in the painful field;
There's not a piece of feather in our host-Good argument, I hope, we will not fly-And time hath worn us into slovenry:
But, by the mass, our hearts are in the trim;
And my poor soldiers tell me, yet ere night
They'll be in fresher robes, or they will pluck
The gay new coats o'er the French soldiers' heads
And turn them out of service.
Philip Dallmann384
Jimmy:
We takin yo shit.
KING HENRY V:
If they do this,-As, if God please, they shall,--my ransom then
Will soon be levied. Herald, save thou thy labour;
Come thou no more for ransom, gentle herald:
They shall have none, I swear, but these my joints;
Which if they have as I will leave 'em them,
Shall yield them little, tell the constable.
MONTJOY
I shall, King Harry. And so fare thee well:
Thou never shalt hear herald any more.
Jimmy:
Yeah you betta run. If all these dudes hadn’t been holding me back…you know…
Exit
KING HENRY V
I fear thou'lt once more come again for ransom.
Jimmy:
Nah. That boy ain’t coming back.
Enter YORK
My lord, most humbly on my knee I beg
The leading of the vaward.
YORK
KING HENRY V
Take it, brave York. Now, soldiers, march away:
And how thou pleasest, God, dispose the day!
Yeah boy!
Jimmy:
Jimmy goes to run off to battle but stops and turns back to the king.
Jimmy:
Umm…where did we land on the whole jewel encrusted uniforms thing? That still on the
table or… you know what? You got me all fired up right now, I’m gonna go kill me some
Frenchmen…maybe throw a few back…we can talk about that in the morning…and the
whole leaving your messy campfire thing…it’s no big deal…I just think we should talk about
it…Cool…See you in the morning…
Exeunt
Philip Dallmann385
10/10/2011 Quick Car Game
2 friends in the car.
1:
7 hour car ride. 1 song playing the whole drive. What is it?
Easy. Getting Jiggy With It.
2:
1:
Wrong. Mariah Carey’s classic Always Be My Baby. Get your head out of your ass man.
Black Out.
10/11/2011 Read the Coffee Grounds
A couple is having coffee.
So…Ben…we need to talk.
It’s cool. I kind of saw this coming.
Maria:
Ben:
Maria:
Really?
Ben:
Yeah…I mean we’ve sort of grown apart… I haven’t seen you as much…you don’t answer
my phone calls….we live together and you changed the locks on our apartment…then
there’s just the fact that when I got here you were basically dry humping the guy at the table
behind you…who I’m assuming you didn’t just meet did you?
No…not so much.
Maria:
Ben:
Right. So…umm I’m gonna go ahead and let you pick up the bill here.
Maria:
Yeah…I mean that’s fine….it’s just…you did get extra whip cream…and I only had a basic
coffee…so…
He exits.
It’s cool. You can get me back later.
Maria:
Philip Dallmann386
Black Out.
10/12/2011 Girls Can Be Werewolves Too
A man walked into a meeting with his publishers.
Hey Harold how are you?
1:
Harold:
I’m good….forgot an umbrella but I’m good.
2:
This weather…I tell ya…but there’s no such thing as global warming they say…
Yeah.
Alright well let’s get down to brass tacks.
OK.
Harold:
1:
Harold:
2:
We love your manuscript.
Best thing you’ve written yet.
Love it.
L-O-V-E love it.
1:
2:
1:
Harold:
…thanks guys. I’m really glad.
There’s just one thing.
It’s a small thing.
Miniscule really.
1:
2:
1:
Philip Dallmann387
2:
I mean I wouldn’t even call it a thing.
No it’s more of a thin.
Or an ing.
OK…
1:
2:
Harold:
2:
I think…
WE think…
That maybe Emily should be a werewolf.
What?
1:
2:
Harold:
2:
Crazy right? But hear us out.
1:
Vampires are huge right now as you know. It started with Zombies….28 Days Later and all
that…
Boy was that movie scary.
Almost peed myself.
2:
1:
2:
I did pee myself….I’m kidding of course….so Vampires!
1:
Yes Vampires! They came next. Sexy Edward and all that stuff on True Blood. HUGE. HU-G-E Huge!
Philip Dallmann388
2:
So what’s the next logical step in this horror phenomenon?
…Werewolves?
He’s so smart.
Harold:
1:
2:
He did go to Harvard.
Um Yale actually.
Tomato Tomahto.
Harold:
1:
2:
So we were thinking going against the grain a bit. Making the girl a werewolf.
1:
I mean girls can be werewolves too.
It’s true look at that Scary Spice.
Ooo Ouch. Too soon.
Really?
2:
1:
2:
1:
Nope just yankin ya.
Oh you…So what do you think?
2:
1:
A romance for the ages. An unsuspecting Emmanuel falls for Emily who secretly get’s super
hairy and scary every full moon.
And not in the good way.
2:
Philip Dallmann389
1:
Uh oh. Someone grab the extinguisher because he is on fire. F-I-R-E Fire!
2:
And maybe….just maybe he takes a silver bullet for her…the romance takes a tragic
turn…eh?
Harold:
I think that’s a completely different story. I wrote a romantic comedy. They fall in
love…have a bunch of mishaps…he drives cross country over 3 days to propose.
1:
Or does he drive to find a potion to cure her?
Oh. I like that.
2:
Harold:
Yeah… no. I think I’d like to keep my story as is.
Of course, of course.
1:
2:
We just wanted to give a few tiny suggestions that might help it sell more, but your original
story is just fine.
F-I-N-E…fuh..
1:
Harold:
Fine. I know how to spell fine. I get it. I’m going to go… probably to HarperCollins…or
RandomHouse…or anywhere but here…
He exits.
Ouch.
Well you can’t teach taste.
No you can not.
1:
2:
1:
2:
Nope.
Philip Dallmann390
N-O-P-E.
Nope.
1:
Both:
Black out.
10/13/2011 Laugh, Think, and Cry
The Writer enters.
Writer:
This is not a play….or maybe it is… I suppose it really will have to come down to your
definition of a play. I want to present to you not just a great theatrical moment but a great
human moment. This moment was given to us by a man named Jim Valvano. Mr. Valvano
was a National Championship winning basketball coach at North Carolina State University.
In 1992 he was diagnosed with bone cancer. In 1993 while still battling vigorously he
delivered this speech at the Espy Award.
The Writer transforms into Jimmy Valvano. This should not be a mimicked performance of the speech,
instead look to these words and find what it means to you.
Jimmy V:
Thank you, Thank you very much. Thank you. That's the lowest I've ever seen Dick Vitale
since the owner of the Detroit Pistons called him in and told him he should go into
broadcasting.
I can't tell you what an honor it is, to even be mentioned in the same breath with Arthur
Ashe. This is something I certainly will treasure forever. But, as it was said on the tape, and I
also don't have one of those things going with the cue cards, so I'm going to speak longer
than anybody else has spoken tonight. That's the way it goes. Time is very precious to me. I
don't know how much I have left and I have some things that I would like to say. Hopefully,
at the end, I will have said something that will be important to other people too.
But, I can't help it. Now I'm fighting cancer, everybody knows that. People ask me all the
time about how you go through your life and how's your day, and nothing is changed for
me. As Dick said, I'm a very emotional and passionate man. I can't help it. That's being the
son of Rocco and Angelina Valvano. It comes with the territory. We hug, we kiss, we love.
When people say to me how do you get through life or each day, it's the same thing. To me,
there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives.
Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend
some time in thought. Number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears,
could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a
full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have
something special.
Philip Dallmann391
I rode on the plane up today with Mike Krzyzewski, my good friend and wonderful coach.
People don't realize he's ten times a better person than he is a coach, and we know he's a
great coach. He's meant a lot to me in these last five or six months with my battle. But when
I look at Mike, I think, we competed against each other as players. I coached against him for
fifteen years, and I always have to think about what's important in life to me are these three
things. Where you started, where you are and where you're going to be. Those are the three
things that I try to do every day. When I think about getting up and giving a speech, I can't
help it. I have to remember the first speech I ever gave.
I was coaching at Rutgers University, that was my first job, oh that's wonderful (reaction to
applause), and I was the freshman coach. That's when freshmen played on freshman teams,
and I was so fired up about my first job. I see Lou Holtz here. Coach Holtz, who doesn't like
the very first job you had? The very first time you stood in the locker room to give a pep
talk. That's a special place, the locker room, for a coach to give a talk. So my idol as a coach
was Vince Lombardi, and I read this book called "Commitment To Excellence" by Vince
Lombardi. And in the book, Lombardi talked about the fist time he spoke before his Green
Bay Packers team in the locker room, and they were perennial losers. I'm reading this and
Lombardi said he was thinking should it be a long talk, or a short talk? But he wanted it to
be emotional, so it would be brief. So here's what I did. Normally you get in the locker
room, I don't know, twenty-five minutes, a half hour before the team takes the field, you do
your little x and o's, and then you give the great Knute Rockne talk. We all do. Speech
number eight-four. You pull them right out, you get ready. You get your squad ready. Well,
this is the first one I ever gave and I read this thing. Lombardi, what he said was he didn't go
in, he waited. His team wondering, where is he? Where is this great coach? He's not there.
Ten minutes he's still not there. Three minutes before they could take the field Lombardi
comes in, bangs the door open, and I think you all remember what great presence he had,
great presence. He walked in and he walked back and forth, like this, just walked, staring at
the players. He said, "All eyes on me." I'm reading this in this book. I'm getting this picture
of Lombardi before his first game and he said "Gentlemen, we will be successful this year, if
you can focus on three things, and three things only. Your family, your religion and the
Green Bay Packers." They knocked the walls down and the rest was history. I said, that's
beautiful. I'm going to do that. Your family, your religion and Rutgers basketball. That's it. I
had it. Listen, I'm twenty-one years old. The kids I'm coaching are nineteen, and I'm going to
be the greatest coach in the world, the next Lombardi. I'm practicing outside of the locker
room and the managers tell me you got to go in. Not yet, not yet, family, religion, Rutgers
Basketball. All eyes on me. I got it, I got it. Then finally he said, three minutes, I said fine.
True story. I go to knock the doors open just like Lombardi. Boom! They don't open. I
almost broke my arm. Now I was down, the players were looking. Help the coach out, help
him out. Now I did like Lombardi, I walked back and forth, and I was going like that with
my arm getting the feeling back in it. Finally I said, "Gentlemen, all eyes on me." These kids
wanted to play, they're nineteen. "Let's go," I said. "Gentlemen, we'll be successful this year
if you can focus on three things, and three things only. Your family, your religion and the
Green Bay Packers," I told them. I did that. I remember that. I remember where I came
from.
It's so important to know where you are. I know where I am right now. How do you go
from where you are to where you want to be? I think you have to have an enthusiasm for
life. You have to have a dream, a goal. You have to be willing to work for it.
Philip Dallmann392
I talked about my family, my family's so important. People think I have courage. The
courage in my family are my wife Pam, my three daughters, here, Nicole, Jamie, LeeAnn, my
mom, who's right here too. That screen is flashing up there thirty seconds like I care about
that screen right now, huh? I got tumors all over my body. I'm worried about some guy in
the back going thirty seconds? You got a lot, hey va fa napoli, buddy. You got a lot.
I just got one last thing, I urge all of you, all of you, to enjoy your life, the precious moments
you have. To spend each day with some laughter and some thought, to get you're emotions
going. To be enthusiastic every day and as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Nothing great could
be accomplished without enthusiasm," to keep your dreams alive in spite of problems
whatever you have. The ability to be able to work hard for your dreams to come true, to
become a reality.
Now I look at where I am now and I know what I want to do. What I would like to be able
to do is spend whatever time I have left and to give, and maybe, some hope to others.
Arthur Ashe Foundation is a wonderful thing, and AIDS, the amount of money pouring in
for AIDS is not enough, but is significant. But if I told you it's ten times the amount that
goes in for cancer research. I also told you that five hundred thousand people will die this
year of cancer. I also tell you that one in every four will be afflicted with this disease, and yet
somehow, we seem to have put it in a little bit of the background. I want to bring it back on
the front table. We need your help. I need your help. We need money for research. It may
not save my life. It may save my children's lives. It may save someone you love. And ESPN
has been so kind to support me in this endeavor and allow me to announce tonight, that
with ESPN's support, which means what? Their money and their dollars and they're helping
me-we are starting the Jimmy V Foundation for Cancer Research. And its motto is "Don't
give up, don't ever give up." That's what I'm going to try to do every minute that I have left.
I will thank God for the day and the moment I have. If you see me, smile and give me a hug.
That's important to me too. But try if you can to support, whether it's AIDS or the cancer
foundation, so that someone else might survive, might prosper and might actually be cured
of this dreaded disease. I can't thank ESPN enough for allowing this to happen. I'm going to
work as hard as I can for cancer research and hopefully, maybe, we'll have some cures and
some breakthroughs. I'd like to think, I'm going to fight my brains out to be back here again
next year for the Arthur Ashe recipient. I want to give it next year!
I know, I gotta go, I gotta go, and I got one last thing and I said it before, and I want to say
it again. Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot
touch my heart and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on
forever.
I thank you and God bless you all.
Jim Valvano transforms back into The Writer.
Philip Dallmann393
Writer:
Jim Valvano died less than 2 months after this speech. His message was so simple and yet
so poignant. Don’t give up…no matter what obstacles or hardships are thrown in front of
you, don’t ever give up.
Black Out.
10/14/2011 Dance to that Sweet Chin Music
2 friends are walking eating hot dogs.
You know what was disappointing?
What?
2:
1:
2:
Learning that pro wrestling was fake.
Yeah…well I mean it’s not all fake.
It pretty much is.
Well I mean it still hurts and stuff.
1:
2:
1:
2:
Does it? I don’t think it does.
I do.
1:
2:
I don’t. I think its just like really well thought out dance.
Dance?
1:
2:
Yeah.
Wrestling is not dance.
1:
Philip Dallmann394
I think it is.
No it isn’t.
2:
1:
2:
Mmm I think it is. All it’s missing is pretty music.
1:
Ok….
1 starts to walk away, turns back, hits 2 with some sweet chin music.
1:
How about that sweet chin music? Dance to that.
Shawn Michaels’ music begins to play.
Black Out.
10/15/2011 College Mantras
All of the college students should be wearing college apparel.
2 Alabama students pass each other.
Roll Tide.
Roll Tide.
A1:
A2:
2 Auburn students pass each other.
War Eagle.
War Eagle.
AU1:
AU2:
2 Texas students pass each other.
Horns Up.
Horns Up.
T1:
T2:
Philip Dallmann395
2 men pass each other in suits. 1 jumps 2 and takes his wallet. He stops when he sees all the other alumni
from other schools staring at him.
S1:
What? Oh.
He takes off his button down to reveal a shirt that reads “Sallie Mae”.
S1:
That’s how we do at Salle Mae. Don’t worry, I’ll teach you guys that handshake once you
graduate.
Black Out.
10/16/2011 Conversation Starters
Friends have a drink.
Doctor assisted suicide. Go.
Worst conversation starter ever.
1:
2:
1:
Roe versus Wade?
Silence.
Brown versus the Board of Education.
1:
2:
There isn’t even anything to debate about that…ugh…I need new friends.
Black Out.
10/17/2011 Jury Selection
A man is being questioned for jury duty.
Judge:
Mr. Sameson do you know any of the people previously mentioned?
Sameson:
No sir.
Philip Dallmann396
Judge:
Do you have any familiarity with the location mentioned or the people that work there?
No sir. Never been there.
Sameson:
Judge:
Do you have any objections to working on this jury?
Sameson:
No sir.
Thank you. Now…
Um. May I ask one question?
Yes you may Mr. Sameson.
Judge:
Sameson:
Judge:
Sameson:
Umm I was just wondering if the defendant was Presbyterian?
If he’s what?
Presbyterian.
Judge:
Sameson:
Judge:
I don’t see the relevance Mr. Sameson. This was a robbery not a religious hate crime.
Sameson:
I just… I hate Presbyterians.
You hate Presbyterians?
Judge:
Sameson:
Yeah. I can’t stand them. They have all those committees…it would really be best if they
were just all dead.
Your honor?
Counselor.
DA:
Judge:
Philip Dallmann397
DA:
Motion to remove juror #3 from the jury.
Granted. Thank you Mr. Sameson.
Judge:
Sameson:
You Are Welcome. You don’t look Presbyterian by the way…Lutheran if anything.
…Thanks?
Defendant:
Black Out.
10/18/2011 Get Eaten, Get Trashed, or Get Stale
As the lights come up Alex, a broken piece of pretzel, has just hit the floor.
Alex:
Ow. Hey! Hey! I’m down here! Ten Second Rule! Come on! One Mississippi…Two
Mississippi…I’m still good! Two and a half Mississippi! Look no germs! Come on! Wait!
Don’t close the bag! Don’t put a clip on it! Oh come on. Now see throwing it like that is
why I only have the one arm. Reckless. Just reckless. Where are you going? Aren’t you going
to at least throw me out? Hey! HEY! COME BACK! He’s gone. Huh. Well then. I don’t
need him anyway. Racist. He new I had a little sourdough in me that’s why he tossed the bag
around like that. I see how it is. Don’t you worry. I may be broken but I will rise above. I
will rise. You watch.
No one is there to hear him.
Alex:
OK…all right Alex…we can do this. Just don’t get stale. That’s what Momma always said.
Just don’t get stale. Easy enough right? Well let’s see. I think getting up this cabinet will
probably be a good step. All right let’s see…
He tries and fails several times to climb with his one arm.
Alex:
Right well…there’s probably a better option….Climbing is for those honey mustard types
anyway. Not that I’m saying it’s a bad thing. I’m not racist. I love all pretzels. I just heard
honey mustards could climb really well. That guy was the racist…trying to keep the
sourdough down.
A wind hits the stage, or rather a large breath. Alex is blown back.
Philip Dallmann398
Alex:
HOLY CHEESE FILLED COMBO! What the…? Oh no! No! No! I WILL NOT BE A
DOGGY TREAT! BACK YOU MANGY MONGREL! BACK I SAY! I WILL BE
HUMAN FOOD OR TRASH! NOTHING ELSE! You are not retreating even a little bit.
I’m not very scary am I? Ok. Well then I’m going to run.
Alex runs and hides in a corner. A few moments pass before he checks to see if the dog has moved on. It has.
Alex:
YEAH THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT! YOU BETTA RUN!
The large breath hits the stage again and Alex dives for cover.
Alex:
SON OF A KEEBLER ELF!
After another moment Alex rises again.
Alex:
Ok…well that’s done with. Now onto important business…trashcan, plate, or stale. Let’s
see…come one Alex think! What would Momma say? Well she’d say “Don’t get stale” or
“Stop calling me Momma, I ain’t yo Momma you sourdough lookin mutha fucka”…I miss
her sense of humor. I wish she was here right now.
Off stage the ominous Mufasa-like voice of Momma is heard.
Alex…
Momma:
Alex:
Momma?
Momma:
What did I say about callin me Momma I’m not….never mind, not the point. Alex.
Yes.
You mustn’t give up.
Alex:
Momma:
Alex:
I know…it’s just hard.
Momma:
Life is hard. Get over it. Shit ain’t any easier when you got one hand either.
Philip Dallmann399
No it sure isn’t…
Alex:
Momma:
Not too mention you don’t have much salt on ya either…I mean can you really blame them
for dropping you? I mean you’re pretty much the disappointing bit at the bottom of the bag.
Momma?
Alex:
Momma:
Hm? Oh right this is supposed to be a pep talk. Right. Um. Go get’em. You can do it. Yadda
Yadda.
Thanks Momma.
Alex:
Momma:
I’M NOT YOUR MOMMA!
Oh Momma…so funny.
Alex:
Momma:
Saltless mutha fucka thinks I’m his Momma…
Alex:
Momma is right. I can’t give up. I can do this. I’m more than just a bit of pretzel. I’m a tasty
and in proper portions a healthy snack. I…
He is cut off as the stage goes black and we hear a crunch.
Dude I think you stepped on a pretzel.
Yeah.
Dude.
G1:
G2:
G1:
G2:
What?
Clean it up.
G1:
Philip Dallmann400
Fine.
G2:
Alex:
(whispering) I’m coming home Mama…I’m coming home.
We hear the trash can lift up and close.
The End.
10/19/2011 Shit That Happens While Substitute Teaching
A man walks out with a book and sits in a large chair by the fire.
Narrator:
Hi I’m…well that doesn’t matter. Today I’m going to read you an excerpt out the book “Shit
That Happens While Substitute Teaching” Let’s begin shall we…
I give you a high school class on Information Technology. The Sub told the class that they
should be copy and pasting a current events article and writing a summary. Let’s see what
they’re actually doing, shall we?
The man creates each of these characters.
HS Girl 1:
Girl you know there ain’t nothin like a man suckin yo toes. Seriously. Girl don’t play. You
know it. Shit I’m gonna let DaVon suck on my toes after homecoming. Mhmm. I’m not
about to let a pedicure go to waste.
Mr. Dalton:
Please stop.
HS Girl 2:
You know I think I’m just going to be a slutty nurse for Halloween.
Please don’t say that.
Mr. Dalton:
HS Girl 3:
Girl did you know that Amy named her boobs Rihanna and Beyonce.
HS Girl 1:
Nah Uh.
Yeah.
HS Girl 3:
Philip Dallmann401
I named mine Tia and Tamara.
HS Girl 1:
HS Girl 2:
I just like to call mine my Badum Badums.
I call mine…
HS Guy 1:
Mr. Dalton:
OH GOD PLEASE STOP!
Mr. Dalton?
Yes…guy with a jerry curl.
HS Guy 2:
Mr. Dalton:
HS Guy 2:
Can you believe Rahkpeet hasn’t seen the thriller video?
Mr. Dalton:
No. It’s a classic.
What’s the thriller video?
HS Girl 3:
Mr. Dalton:
Show of hands. How many people have seen the thriller video? (counting) 1…2…Two
people out of twenty? Oh dear lord. Why am I more upset about that then everything else
they’ve just said?
Narrator:
Let’s move on to a 6th grade. Here the sub was put in the precarious position of having to
teach about Sexual Harassment. Let’s see how he does.
Mr. Dalton?
Yes?
Is rape sexual harassment?
MS Boy 1:
Mr. Dalton:
MS Boy 1:
Mr. Dalton:
No…I mean yes…I mean…well rape….rape is rape. I think it’s more…assault than
anything else I guess…
Philip Dallmann402
MS Girl 1:
Mr. Dalton?
…Yes?
Mr. Dalton:
MS Girl 1:
You said spreading rumors about sex stuff is sexual harassment right?
Yes….
Mr. Dalton:
MS Girl 1:
OK well people keep saying that I did all sorts of stuff with Brian, but I didn’t.
Mr. Dalton:
That is sexual harassment. If you know who is saying it you should tell the principal.
MS Girl:
What if it’s only kind of true though? Like I may have let him touch my boob.
Mr. Dalton:
I…I would talk to your mom…or guidance counselor…anyone who actually works here full
time.
Mr. Dalton?
MS Guy 2:
Mr. Dalton:
Yes…
MS Guy 2:
OK. So what if a girl looks like she wants you to touch her butt? You know how girls be
lookin like that?
Mr. Dalton:
No…no I don’t know how girls be looking like they want to be sexually harassed.
MS Guy 2:
Seriously? You know when they be biting their lip a little…like then it’s ok right?
Mr. Dalton:
No. It’s never OK to grab anyone’s butt.
MS Guy 3:
How about baseball players?
Philip Dallmann403
Mr. Dalton:
If Derek Jeter tells Alex Rodriguez to stop smacking his butt ARod has to stop or it’s sexual
harassment.
MS Guy 4:
Mr. Dalton you know they kill gay people in other countries?
Mr. Dalton:
What? What does that have to do with anything? Why? Why? Why would you bring that up?
MS Guy 4:
Well you said it’s sexual harassment to be mean to someone about if they’re gay.
Mr. Dalton:
And…
MS Guy 4:
And I was just thinking that it might be OK if we did that here.
If we just killed gay people?
Yes.
Mr. Dalton:
MS Guy 4:
Mr. Dalton:
Go to the office.
What? Why?
Because this is not Germany in 1930.
MS Guy 4:
Mr. Dalton:
Narrator:
Well that was a charged conversation. Sticking along the same lines let’s find out how our
sub handles teaching Sex Ed at the High School.
Mr. Dalton:
Here’s your packet. Answer the front side about STI’s AND the back about pregnancy
prevention. Please get all these questions right.
Mr. Dalton?
HS Girl:
Mr. Dalton:
What’s up?
Philip Dallmann404
We heard a man’s voice in the bathroom.
What?
HS Girl:
Mr. Dalton:
I think there were two people in the stall.
HS Girl:
HS Guy:
They were probably doin it.
OK. I’ll call the office.
5 minutes later.
So what was it?
Mr. Dalton:
Narrator:
Mr. Dalton:
Office Lady:
2 kids…doing it.
So ironic.
Mr. Dalton:
Peter:
Man Mr. Dalton why’d you have to call them out like that?
Mr. Dalton:
I’ll give you two reasons Peter. One, you asked me earlier if you could avoid getting a girl
pregnant by pulling out real fast, which significantly lowered my expectations about this
entire school’s intelligence level. Two, those two were not just doing it in school, but in a
heavily frequented bathroom. It’s called natural selection. They are too dumb for me to risk
them procreating.
Narrator:
A wise lesson on Darwinism. Now let’s jump right in with our sub in a heated debate.
Emmet. It is never OK to punch a cop.
He stepped on my shoe.
So?
Mr. Dalton:
Emmet:
Mr. Dalton:
Philip Dallmann405
Emmet:
They were new!
Mr. Dalton:
OK but you got arrested and got probation so you see it was wrong right?
Emmet:
I’m just sayin if a cop stepped on my shoe today I might do the same thing.
Mr. Dalton:
But you’re 18 now you know that’s a felony right?
Emmet:
So?
Mr. Dalton:
So? Ok let me break this down for you. You’ve made it clear earlier you want nothing to do
with college, that’s fine, but if you want a job you need to not have felonies. It is very hard to
find a job period, much less if your criminal background check comes back with multiple
pages.
Emmet:
I don’t need a job. I got my own little side business.
Mr. Dalton:
I know. I can smell your side business over here.
I know you ain’t Helen Keller.
Helen Keller was blind, deaf, and mute.
Exactly.
Emmet:
Mr. Dalton:
Emmet:
Narrator:
Riveting. Riveting stuff. We travel now to a younger grade for a brief peek at a 3rd grade
Math Class.
Michael:
Why don’t you just shut up!?
Eric:
Mr. Dalton! Michael just told me to shut up!
Philip Dallmann406
Michael.
No I didn’t.
Mr. Dalton:
Michael:
Mr. Dalton:
Michael you screamed it. Everyone heard it.
Michael:
But…But…he started it!
Nah uh!
Eric:
Mr. Dalton:
Boys. I’m ending it. Michael I’m sorry but I’m going to have to give you a demerit.
NOOOOOOOO!
Michael:
Mr. Dalton:
I’m sorry but I have to.
Michael:
I’M RUINED! I’M RUINED! I’M RUINED! NOOOOO! NOOOOO! I DIDN’T WANT
TO GET IN TROUBLE THIS YEAR! NOOOOOO! I’M RUINED! I’M RUINED!
NOOOO!
Narrator:
Wow was that kid annoying. There was a little more to that but I’m just going to skip ahead
to our final stop tonight. And for our final stop we land in 5th grade gym.
Mr. Dalton:
All right good job today guys. I see a bunch of young Michael Jordans and Larry Birds.
Who’s Michael Jordan?
Who’s Larry Bird?
Kid 1:
Kid 2:
Mr. Dalton:
I’m not old…I’m not old…I…oh hey buddy what’s wrong? It’s OK. You’ll get’em next ti…
Kid From Hell:
JUDO CHOP!
Philip Dallmann407
The student punches the teacher in the groin and then hooks him across the face. We see it from each
perspective.
Narrator:
And so ends another week of Substitute Teaching. Sometimes there’s joy like in this
adorable portrait drawn for Mr. Dalton by a 9 year old…even if the hands are comically
sized…and sometimes…well sometimes you get kicked in the balls. The End.
Black Out.
10/20/2011 Joe Cool’s Hypocrisy
A young kid is on stage smoking. An adult enters.
Hey! You shouldn’t smoke.
Adult:
Kid:
What ever.
Adult:
No, I’m taking that, and the carton. Smoking can give you cancer. Now go home before I
call your parents.
Boy exits. As soon as he’s gone the adult lights up a cigarette.
Fucking kids man…
Adult:
Black Out.
10/21/2011 How a story doesn’t start.
Peter Pan and Wendy are in the nursery.
Wendy, come with me to Neverland.
No… I think I’ll wash my hair.
P:
W:
P:
Oh OK…
Yeah…so…I mean have fun…
W:
Philip Dallmann408
Yeah…sure…
I’m gonna go now…
P:
W:
P:
Yeah… me too…I totally have some adventures to go on…Captain Hook…lost
boys…things…
OK bye.
W:
Black Out.
10/22/2011Untitled #5
2 boys stand near a fence.
2:
All right so just go over, grab the ball and hop back over.
OK. Keep a look out.
Will do.
1:
2:
1 hops over the fence. After a moment or two…
Hurry up.
I’m looking. Calm down.
2:
1:
2:
Someone’s coming. Come on!
Hold on!
Abort! Abort! Abort!
1:
2:
It’s a nun, she gives him a look.
Philip Dallmann409
2:
I mean no…I mean keep it…I mean….it’s not a baby…
The nun exits. 1 hops back over.
1:
Got it. What’s wrong?
I’m going to hell.
For getting back our ball?
No. For killing a baby.
2:
1:
2:
1:
WHAT? WHEN DID YOU KILL A BABY!!!
I didn’t actually kill a baby.
What the hell are you talking about?
2:
1:
2:
It was this whole thing like 30 seconds ago with me yelling abort and this nun and…I’m
pretty sure she thinks I killed a baby.
But you didn’t actually kill a baby?
1:
2:
No of course not, but a nun thinks I did and she’s pretty much BFFs with God aka I’m
getting a VIP room in hell.
1:
Why don’t you just find her and explain if that will make you feel better?
2:
Good idea. Oh she just came out of that store. Ma’am! I mean sister! You! Hey! Stop! I need
to talk to you! OH! WATCH OUT!
We hear skidding bus tires and a thud. The two boys are in shock.
Now you’re getting a VIP room.
1:
Philip Dallmann410
Black Out.
10/23/2011 Bel Biv Dev-die
2 guys sit at a table. At the bar another guy is talking to a woman.
Ha you are funny.
Mhmm
Bar Guy:
Bar Woman:
She kisses him.
Bar Guy:
Wow…I…sense something strange…in my mind…this situation feels serious.
Bar Woman:
That’s good because we’re running out of time.
Bar Guy:
Ow…it’s driving me out of my mind.
That’s why it’s hard for me to find
Can’t get it out of my head.
Bar Woman:
Bar Guy:
Bar Guy falls over dead.
That girl is poison.
I said never trust a big butt and a smile.
Table G1:
Table G2:
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann411
10/24/2011 Save the Crazy
2 roommates get ready to go out.
Sean:
All right man I’m just gonna grab the mail real quick and then we can head out.
Damon:
OK hurry up I’m trying to get there before it gets crowded and loud.
OK grandpa.
Sean:
Damon:
Oh I’m old because I actually like to be able to have a conversation and a drink with out
yelling?
Sean:
Yeah. Exactly.
Fuck you.
Damon:
Sean runs outside real quick. Damon turns off the TV and throws a few dishes into the sink. Sean reenters
flipping through the mail.
Anything good?
Damon:
Sean:
Mostly bills…your car bill is here.
You can just say no ya know?
Oh. Fancy letter.
For me?
Damon:
Sean:
Damon:
Sean:
No, for me.
Damon:
Then why say it like that and get my hopes up? You’re killing my buzz before I’ve even had
my first beer.
Philip Dallmann412
Sean:
Shut up…
After opening it Sean gets instantly solemn. After a moment he tosses it on the couch.
Sean:
All right let’s go.
What was it?
Damon:
Sean:
Don’t worry about it. Let’s go.
Damon picks up the letter.
It’s a save the date for….oh.
Damon:
Sean:
Yeah.
Why would she send this to you?
Damon:
Sean:
I don’t know.
That’s just mean.
Damon:
Sean:
Yeah…I… I don’t know. Maybe she just wanted to help me move on…or…I don’t know…
Damon:
Or maybe she’s just an awful bitch. Who sends the guy you dumped a Save the Date card for
their wedding with the guy you cheated on him with? That’s just cruel….like serial killer
cruel.
Sean:
Come on Damon…it’s not all that…let’s just…
Damon:
No man. Fuck that noise. Fuck that noise. This is some bull shit. Who does she think she is?
Sean:
I don’t know…let’s just go. Can we just go?
Philip Dallmann413
Damon:
Yeah…I’m sorry man. I just…this shit really pisses me off.
Sean:
You’re telling me.
Damon:
Yeah I suppose you should be more pissed off than me huh?
Sean:
I’m done with it man. She’s somebody else’s problem now. From the looks of it the crazy is
only growing. I’m pretty sure this is a pre-req for cutting off a guy’s dangle while he’s
sleeping.
From your mouth to God’s ears.
Can we please go get drunk now?
Damon:
Sean:
Damon:
Absolutely
Black Out.
10/25/2011 Dangerous Daughters
A man walks out.
Man:
I always dreamed of being a father. I’d have a little girl named Maggie. Blue eyed red hair
little girl. She’d say, “Daddy I love you”. And then…well then I’d hand her my credit card,
life savings, and the deed to the house.
He pulls out a bag of trash and begins to lay on it as though he is going to sleep there.
Man:
Glad that’s just a dream…
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann414
10/26/2011 You Touched It Last
A man is sleeping upright in his chair. The game is on. Death, black cloak, scife, and all tip toe in. Death
disrobes revealing a fairly normal looking guy. He places the robe gently on the man’s lap and the scife next to
the chair. He tries to exit just as stealthily but trips waking the man up.
What the hell?
Man:
Death:
YOU TOUCHED IT LAST! YOU’RE DEATH NOW!
Death runs out.
Man:
Son of a ….hmm…I wonder what that judgmental bitch at Dunkin Donuts is doing.
Black Out.
10/27/2011 Occupy The Hood
A man with a picket sign enters.
1:
We are the 99%! No more greedy insurance companies!
Another man enters.
You know this isn’t Wall Street right?
I’m trying to expand the protest.
So you’re protesting in the projects?
2:
1:
2:
1:
I mean they should hear it too.
2:
You are protesting the wealthy 1 percent…in the projects.
Hey Barack said Yes We Can.
1:
2:
That doesn’t make even a little sense and I think it was probably a little racist.
Philip Dallmann415
1:
Tax the 1 percent!
2:
Again. The projects. The one percent take planes to avoid this area.
Bill Clinton lived in Harlem.
1:
2:
I…you know what you keep on man. Fight the power.
1:
Thanks man.
2 begins to exit.
2:
Crazy ass white people…constantly trying to get shot.
Black Out.
10/28/2011 When I Grow Up
A 1st grade classroom.
Mrs. James:
Alexa what do you want to be when you grow up?
Alexa:
A princess.
How about you Emily?
The President.
Michael?
Mrs. James:
Emily:
Mrs. James:
Michael:
A Fireman.
Parker?
Mrs. James:
Philip Dallmann416
Parker:
A left handed relief pitcher.
Mrs. James:
Mar…wait what?
Parker:
A left handed relief pitcher. I’d only have to really work like 60 days a year and make on
average 1.3 million a year.
Mrs. James:
Wow…
Or I’d like to be a dentist. Either or.
Parker:
Black Out.
10/29/2011 Thumb Top
A woman is on stage sitting in her rocking chair.
Woman:
I’m a very lonely woman and I have a gun.
A Panda enters.
Panda:
Yeah? Well I’m a Panda without thumbs. So…OK?!?
Panda exits.
Woman:
Fucking Panda story-topper.
Black out.
10/30/2011 Unnecessary Story
A man walks out to talk to the audience.
Man:
So I got these 2 gummy bears and a Klondike bar…
A whistle blows, a yellow flag flies onto the stage followed by a referee.
Philip Dallmann417
Ref:
Personal Foul, Awful start to a story. Loss of lights. Try again.
The lights go out.
Man:
You’re taking my lights? Come on Ref! That’s bull shit.
Ref blows his whistle again.
Ref:
Technical Foul, being a douche bag. Ejection.
Man:
This is some bull shit.
Man exits.
Please reset the clock to start of play. Begin.
Ref:
This should repeat as long as determined by the director with a new actor playing the Man (can be subbed for
Woman) every time.
10/31/2011 Girl Scout Cookie Civilization
*This is for the children of Mosby Woods Elementary School in Fairfax, Virginia. This was
the play we never got around to doing or finishing. These are their characters and their ideas
I just strung them together.*
Ancient Greece
Kyla:
Hello my name is Kyla from Athens Girl Scout Troop XIV. Would you like to buy some girl
scout cookies?
Hmm I don’t know.
Excuse me, Achilles?
Yes.
Achilles:
Flavia:
Achilles:
Flavia:
My name is Flavia. I am a detective from Sparta and am investigating the disappearance of a
girl named Helen.
Philip Dallmann418
Achilles:
Ok.
Excuse me I was trying to make a sale lady.
Kyla:
Flavia:
Oh. My apologies.
Ok. Would you like some Orpheus Oreos?
Kyla:
Achilles:
I…
Why are you limping?
Hey!
I hurt my heel.
Flavia:
Kyla:
Achilles:
Flavia:
Oh.
May I continue?
Oh yes sure.
Kyla:
Flavia:
Kyla:
Thank you. How about some Aphrodite Lites? Cookies for the health conscious.
Achilles:
I…
Flavia:
Ok I don’t have time for this. I need to continue my investigation.
Why don’t you ask the Oracle?
Who?
Achilles:
Flavia:
Philip Dallmann419
Achilles:
The lady sitting under the tree there.
Oh.
Flavia:
They walk to the Oracle.
Kyla:
Hey!
Excuse me ma’m.
Flavia:
No response.
Flavia:
Ma’m!
Hello Peanut.
Hey Achilles.
Achilles:
Peanut:
Flavia:
Ma’m I am searching for a girl named Helen who has disappeared.
Peanut:
Ah yes. I know.
You know where she is?
Yes. You will help get her back.
Where is she?
Achilles:
Peanut:
Flavia:
Peanut:
I forget.
You forget?
Achilles:
Philip Dallmann420
Peanut:
My memory might get better with something sweet.
Something sweet?
Hey girl scout!
Flavia:
Achilles:
Kyla:
I have a name.
Yes, of course.
Achilles:
Silence.
Kyla:
It’s Kyla.
Achilles:
I knew that. Really. I did.
Flavia:
Give this lady some of those Aphrodite whatchamacallits.
They aren’t free.
Nothing ever is.
I’ll trade you…this rock.
Kyla:
Flavia:
Achilles:
Kyla:
A rock?
Yeah it’s from…Atlantis.
Really?
Yeah.
Achilles:
Kyla:
Achilles:
Philip Dallmann421
Kyla:
Cool.
Peanut:
Ok. Helen is in Troy. She ran away with some boy. Teenagers. You know how they are.
You’re going to need a giant horse or something.
Flavia:
Great. We have to go to Troy.
Achilles:
I hate Troy. It smells funny.
Kyla:
Can I come?
Flavia:
Got more cookies?
Kyla:
Yeah.
You got more “rocks” from Atlantis?
Flavia:
Achilles:
Yeah.
Flavia:
Sure you can come.
Opens box and eats.
Peanut:
Yuck.
Leaves box by the tree.
Hey guys wait up. I could use a vacation!
Peanut:
1970
In Destructo’s Layer
Destructo:
Where is Hayoon? All I need is that artifact and then my plan will be complete.
Philip Dallmann422
Hayoon:
Here Destructo.
Destructo:
Well?
Hayoon:
The artifact is in the possession of a young man named Bernard.
Well what are you waiting for? Go get it!
Destructo:
Hayoon:
Yes ma’am.
Destructo:
Jeez. They just don’t make evil henchmen sidekicks like they used to.
At a floral shop
What kind is that?
That is a Daisy.
Bernard:
May:
Bernard:
Actually it’s called Bellis Perennis.
May:
Why do you ask if your only going to correct me?
Bernard:
I just wanted to show you how smart I am.
Hi May.
Chuck:
May:
Hi Chuck.
Chuck:
How are you? Are you ok? You look pale? Have you eaten enough today?
Philip Dallmann423
I’m ok Chuck. Don’t worry so much.
May:
Chuck:
Sorry. Are you sure you don’t want me to worry? I just tend to worry about things. I’m sorry.
It’s ok.
May:
Bernard:
You know what that’s called?
Bellis Perrennis.
Hey!
Smart doesn’t mean fast apparently.
May:
Bernard:
May:
Bernard:
Very funny.
I thought so.
I got you something.
What is it?
May:
Bernard:
May:
Bernard:
I found it when I went to Greece last summer.
Chuck:
Oh be careful. It’s probably an ancient artifact.
You are correct.
Who are you?
Hayoon:
Chuck:
Hayoon:
My name is…it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I get that box.
Philip Dallmann424
Bernard:
No it’s mine.
Chuck:
Actually it’s her’s …you did just give it to her.
Oh it’s a gift? I couldn’t take a gift. Sorry.
Hayoon:
May:
It’s ok. It happens.
I’ll just let the boss know.
I already know. Give me the box.
But boss it’s a gift.
Hayoon:
Destructo:
Hayoon:
Destructo:
I don’t care.
Oh boy this can’t end well.
Hey I recycle.
So?
Chuck:
May:
Destructo:
May:
So you should be nice to me because I’m stopping global warming.
Yeah you over-sized Spheniscidae!
What?
Bernard:
Chuck:
Bernard:
It’s her latin name. It mainly means she’s a bird but can’t fly.
Oh.
Chuck:
Philip Dallmann425
Bernard:
Yeah…so yeah.
Destructo:
Well you both make valid points.
Hayoon:
Yeah Boss. Let’s just buy some flowers and leave.
Destructo:
Buy flowers?
Hayoon:
Well the place is kind of gloomy.
Carnations really brighten a place up.
Bernard:
May:
Wow Bernard, I guess you have learned a lot from hanging out in a flower shop.
Chuck:
Just be careful you aren’t allergic. Carnations make my sneeze.
Destructo Smells the flower and sneezes.
Chuck:
See. I told you so.
The Far Distant Future
Skull:
General the ponies are advancing on the space station.
I knew our defenses couldn’t hold.
There must be some way to stop them.
General:
Chelsea:
Julie:
How can we stop what we can’t see? They’re invisible.
Chelsea:
I have my army of bugs on the North perimeter throwing cheese burgers hoping to distract
them but it appears they’re all vegetarians.
Philip Dallmann426
General:
Vegetarian Invisible Ponies…the universe is upside down.
When I was in the Milky Way…
Here we go.
What?
Julie:
Skull:
Julie:
Skull:
It’s just you always have some story about you traveling to some far off distant place. We get
it. You’re a secret agent. Whoopety Doo.
I do not.
Julie:
Skull:
How about your story about the monkeys on mercury?
Or the Avalanche on Pluto?
General:
Chelsea:
Or the hop scotch on Orion’s Belt?
Or…
Ok! I get the point.
General:
Julie:
Chelsea:
I hate to break up the chitter chatter but there is the small problem of the ponies sir.
General:
Get the artifact.
The artifact?
But it’s our last link to Earth.
It’s time.
Chelsea:
Skull:
General:
Philip Dallmann427
Skull:
Yes sir.
General:
The artifact contains many secrets. Hopefully one can save us.
My bugs are almost out of hamburgers.
Here is the artifact.
Chelsea:
Skull:
Julie:
I’ll open it. I opened a bunch of artifacts on…
Just open it.
Smells like…low fat chocolate.
General:
Julie:
Chelsea:
Leave it out. Skull act like a statue and we’ll all hide behind you.
Skull:
Yes ma’am.
Ponies enter. Eat cookies. The team comes out from behind skull and battles in slow motion. The Ponies
retreat.
We did it!
Ok Skull you can move now.
General:
Chelsea:
Skull:
Phew. I was starting to cramp up.
Julie:
You know I had to stand still for hours on…
Julie!
What?
All:
Julie:
Philip Dallmann428
The End.
11/1/2011 Simile
A person walks out onto stage to tell this story.
Person:
So like there was this guy and like he was totally like scruffy like not like Paul Bunyan scruffy
but like hadn’t shaved in awhile kind of scruffy but like he was there and like standing there
like kind of creepy like like you know how that one guy in that thing stood there like that?
Just like that and like there were like a bazillion other people there too like a quadrillion and
like then he like totally just left like just walked out all like creepy but sad and like I don’t
know why he was there like it was just weird.
Black out.
11/2/2011 Akeelah and the Bee
Akeelah is jumping rope and spelling various words. The actress should just open a dictionary and write
down 10 words and memorize them. All words should be at least 4 syllables. A buzzing sound is heard. She
begins dodging something. It’s a bee. Eventually more bees come and she continues to dodge them….still
spelling. She misspells a word, she finally gets stung. A man walks out.
Wrong. That’s why you got stung.
Man:
Akeelah:
Are you serious? BEES? I’m not even going to address the cliché of it BUT WHAT THE
HELL? HOW ARE YOU GONNA SET BEES ON AN 11 YEAR OLD GIRL?!?!?! YOU
ARE A B-A-S-T-A-R-D, BASTARD!
She storms out.
Now she’s ready.
Man:
The buzzing picks up again.
Oh shit.
Man:
Black Out. We hear his screams.
Philip Dallmann429
11/3/2011 Untitled #6
3 people are watching something.
1:
There are some things you just can’t unsee.
2:
There are some things you just can’t unhear.
There are some things you just can’t unsmell.
3:
1&2 look at 3 quizzically.
You don’t smell that?
3:
Black Out.
11/4/2011 Affirmative Nursery Rhyme
A white sheep walks out.
WS:
Why is it only the black sheep’s got a song? That’s racist.
A man in a suit enters.
Man:
Uh actually we gave the black sheep the song cause of the whole Little Miss Muffet actually
being a Klan member thing so…
WS:
My baaaad.
Black Out.
11/5/2011 Siri Saving Time
A man walks out with a gun and an iPhone.
Well I guess this is it…
Man:
He cocks the gun.
Philip Dallmann430
Siri call…
Reminder. Set your clock back one hour.
I get another hour of sleep tonight?
Man:
Siri:
Man:
Siri:
Yes, you do.
Thank you Siri…thank you.
Man:
The man puts down the gun and exits.
Black Out.
11/6/2011 How To Take A Punch
1 is giving 2 a lesson on how to fight.
1:
Ok so the whole thing about fighting is the bob and weave, all right?
Yeah I gotcha. Bob and weave. Easy.
2:
1:
All right let’s give it a shot.
They square up.
Bob and…
1:
2 punches 1.
What the hell?
1:
2:
The YouTube video I watched said not to wait to get hit.
1:
I hate the internet.
Philip Dallmann431
I also saw a Giraffe kick a sheep.
I need to see that now.
2:
1:
Black Out.
11/7/2011 The Writer and the Missing Reich
The Writer is on stage pacing.
Ahem.
Suzan?
Nein.
O/S:
Writer:
O/S:
Hitler enters.
Not even close.
Nein.
Writer:
Hitler:
Writer:
Is that all you say?
Nei…no
OK…
Hitler:
Writer:
Hitler:
Why am I not in a single one of your plays?
Writer:
What?
Hitler:
You have written 292 plays and I have not appeared once.
Philip Dallmann432
That can’t be true.
It is.
Really?
Writer:
Hitler:
Writer:
Hitler:
Why would I lie?
I don’t know…you’re Hitler?
I find that offensive.
You killed millions of people.
Writer:
Hitler:
Writer:
Hitler:
But I never lie.
Writer:
That’s…well that’s a different set of priorities.
Why am I not in your plays?
Hitler:
Writer:
I don’t know. I guess you haven’t really fit any of my ideas yet.
Hitler:
I disagree.
OK…
Writer:
Hitler:
I fit perfectly in those Shakespeare plays you did.
The ones with Jimmy the Janitor?
Writer:
Hitler:
Yes. I am much funnier than some old black man.
Philip Dallmann433
Yeah?
Writer:
Hitler:
YES! Here…watch…(doing an offensive black guy impersonation) “HOT DAMN THAT’S
A FAT ASS”. See? Put me in King Lear and I would kill.
I buy that.
Writer:
Hitler:
OR you could have put me in your Smerjigan scene…or really any of your buddy plays.
They’re all the same.
Hey…no they’re not.
Writer:
Hitler:
I always say that I would have been much better than Jackie Chan in Rush Hour. I was made
for a buddy cop movie.
Writer:
Yeah? You and Pol Pot save the world?
Hitler:
I’m just saying that I feel like I warrant being written. Even if you satirize me it is better than
being totally left out.
Writer:
I’m sorry…I didn’t know you felt so strongly about this.
Hitler:
Well…you should have…I mean really…you wrote Osama!
Yeah but he died recently…
Writer:
Hitler:
What am I then? Old news?
Writer:
No…you’re not really news…you’re more history.
Hitler:
I try to cleanse the entire world of the filthy jews and gypsies and all of a sudden I’m not
news?
Philip Dallmann434
Well you were news…80 years ago.
Writer:
Hitler begins to cry.
Writer:
It’s OK…don’t cry…Hitler…
Hitler:
It’s just…it’s just I try so hard to be relevant you know?
Yeah…
Writer:
Hitler:
And stupid Stalin is always making fun of me…
Writer:
Well he’s stupid. Did he try and build an empire?
Sort of…
Hitler:
Writer:
But did he have an awesome name like the third reich?
No…
Hitler:
Writer:
Exactly. So you go tell him to suck it.
OK…
Hitler:
Writer:
Keep your head up Hitler…Keep your head up…
Hitler exits.
Writer:
I think I’m either a saint or going straight to hell for giving Hitler a pep talk.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann435
11/8/2011 Dance Dance Nickelodeon
A man comes out and does a dance combining “The Dougie” and “Hammer Time”. After completion a
woman enters.
W:
Did you just have a seizure?
I call it The Quail Man.
So…yes.
M:
W:
Black Out.
11/9/2011 The Commodores Go Country
A board room meeting at a major film studio.
1:
OK so we’ve green lit “Where’s Waldo?” are there any other random bits of pop culture we
don’t have in development?
Nope.
Good.
2:
1:
A man enters with coffee.
Coffee?
Yes please.
TP:
2:
He hands them coffee with a script.
What the…?
TYLER PERRY!
Please you gotta hear me out.
2:
1:
TP:
Philip Dallmann436
1:
We’ve heard it all Tyler…
You have a problem.
No, but see I got it this time. I really got it.
Fine. What is it?
2:
TP:
1:
TP:
Madea…Goes Country.
That sounds awful.
Why?
It’s all the rage in the black community.
2:
1:
TP:
2:
What black people have gone country?
Hootie went country.
I said black people.
Lionel Ritchie just went country.
TP:
2:
TP:
2:
With or without The Commodores?
…without.
So no black people have gone country.
But…But…
TP:
1:
TP:
Philip Dallmann437
2:
Get help Tyler.
The 2 executives exit. Tyler pulls out a mirror.
TP:
Don’t worry Madea…they can’t keep us down forever.
Black Out.
11/10/2011 Untitled #7
2 Kids eat some fries.
1:
Man my mom let’s me stay up till 5 am playing Tekken.
Really?
2:
1:
Yeah.
2:
Wow…my mom won’t even let me get Tekken.
Why?
It’s rated T for teen.
1:
2:
1:
Sucks.
Yeah.
2:
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann438
11/11/11 The Duel
A man and a woman meet at the center of the stage and then part walking away slowly as if they were about
to have a duel. After 5 steps away from each other they both turn towards each other as quickly as possible.
M:
I LOVE YOU!
W:
I LOVE YOU MORE!
They stare at each other for a moment looking for some type of reaction.
W:
See you tomorrow.
Sounds good.
M
Black Out.
11/12/2011 Keep Your Monologue Inner.
A boy and girl on a porch.
G:
Listen…Bobby…I just want to be friends.
I just want to have sex.
B:
Moment.
B:
I said that out loud didn’t I?
Yep.
G:
B:
Do anything for you? No? OK. I’m gonna go.
That would be best.
G:
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann439
11/13/2011 Popcorn Pheromones
One man is on a couch and another enters.
1:
OK, so you know how they put pheromones in cologne and stuff to attract women?
2:
I don’t wear cologne. My natural scent does all the work.
You mean “Stank Ass” by Chanel?
1:
2:
What is your point?
1:
What if we put them in other stuff to increase our chances of getting laid?
Like what?
2:
1:
I don’t know, that’s why I brought it up so we could brainstorm.
2:
How about toothpaste?
That’s a dumb idea.
There are no dumb ides in brainstorming.
What about popcorn?
1:
2:
1:
2:
Now that’s a dumb idea.
1:
No, seriously. All girls eat popcorn at the movies.
Yeah, and?
2:
Philip Dallmann440
1:
OK, so we add pheromones to the popcorn and pair it with a romantic comedy and you
have guaranteed booty time.
2:
Pretty sure even with that if you refer to it as booty time you still won’t get laid.
Shut up. Still we should try it.
1:
2:
Eh, why not?
Lights on 1 & 2 fade out as another man enters.
M:
Bobby and Freddy died that night. Not because of the pheromone thing. No, they ended up
both getting mauled by a rogue mountain lion. I’m only here because this play was supposed
to be longer, lots of comedy, some hijinks, some love, a Benny Hill chase sequence….but
they died so…The End.
Black Out.
11/14/2011 Birth Control Payments
A woman walks out with a baby. She puts him down and begins to walk away. She stops and turns back to
the child.
W:
I’m sorry…I just can’t afford you…I have student loans.
She exits leaving the child.
Black Out.
11/15/2011 Dinner and a Prostate Exam
A woman is on stage setting a dinner table for two. A man enters followed by another man.
Honey! You brought a friend?
W:
Dr:
Well…actually a patient.
You brought a patient home.
W:
Philip Dallmann441
Dr:
I did. Mike here came in for a prostate check up, so I explained to him what that would
entail and…
Mike:
And I said he had to buy me dinner before I let him do that.
Dr:
So…
W:
I can’t decide if you’re the most committed doctor ever or …or should be committed.
Mike:
Do I smell Pot Roast?
W:
…yes.
Mike:
Awesome. If there’s mash potatoes we can just get the exam over with right now.
Dr:
Love you?
Black Out.
11/16/2011 #301
A teacher is tidying his classroom after the last period of the day. A woman enters.
Brian.
Oh hey Susan. What’s up?
Susan:
Brian:
Susan:
I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute?
Absolutely.
Brian:
Susan:
I think… well a couple of us think and are a bit concerned with how you interact with the
students.
Philip Dallmann442
How do you mean?
Brian:
Susan:
Well you’re a young, good looking guy… the girls all have crushes on you.
Brian:
OK. I mean I’m aware, but I think that’s just teenage girls.
Susan:
Maybe, but it doesn’t help the situation by asking them how their day is going or about their
other activities.
Brian:
So, being nice is leading them on?
Well with all the Penn State stuff…
Susan:
Brian:
Hold up. Please tell me you are not going to compare me to a man who raped several young
boys.
I don’t think it’s quite there.
Please leave Susan.
Susan:
Brian:
Susan:
Brian. This is serious.
Brian:
Please leave.
Fine but if this escalates…
PLEASE LEAVE!
Susan:
Brian:
She exits. He lingers for a moment, then begins to write tomorrow’s instructions on the board.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann443
11/17/2011 Iron Tike
A man is sitting on a bench with a baby. The baby begins to cry.
I’m not above punching a baby.
Man:
Baby stops crying. Black Out. We hear a scuffle and the man’s screams.
11/18/2011 Untitled #8
The audience is instructed to give a standing ovation. When they stop…
Actor:
Eh, it’s better when I earn it.
Black Out.
11/19/2011 Untitled #9
On stage are two phones. A nurse picks up the one and dials. A man picks up the other phone.
Hello?
M:
N:
Hi, yes this is Katherine Barloo from Senior Estate Living.
Yes?
M:
N:
I’m sorry to call this late, but unfortunately your father has passed away.
What?
M:
N:
Yes. He went into cardiac arrest about 4 hours ago and we were unable to resuscitate him.
Oh my god.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
I…I can’t believe he’s gone.
M:
N:
M:
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N:
Your father was a great man. One of our favorite patients. Our nurses always loved to go an
talk to Mr. McGraw.
M:
Yeah…wait what?
N:
Our nurses, on their breaks would go talk to your father Mr. McGraw, and he’d tell stories
about the war…
My father’s name is Mr. Barnaby.
Hmm?
My father’s name is Mr. Barnaby.
M:
N:
M:
N:
This is not the McGraw residence that I just called?
Not even a little bit.
Oh.
Yeah.
M:
N:
M:
N:
Well…Mr. Barnaby seems to be doing quite well…
Goodbye.
M:
He hangs up. She sits for a minute. Then dials again.
Black out.
Philip Dallmann445
11/20/2011 Black and White
2 skunks sit in a bush.
M:
You stink.
Z:
Wow…just wow. Not only was that joke not even close to creative, but it was completely
out of line. Offensive. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. Who are you?
M:
Michael…
Z:
Really? Oh shit I swore you were Lamar.
M:
What? Are you saying we all look the same?
No…I mean…what had happened was…
Save it Zack…just save it.
Z:
M:
Michael exits.
What is that smell?
Z:
Black Out.
11/21/2011 Old Fashioned
A young gay couple has dinner.
David:
How was work?
Alan:
Meh. Fine. Felt long today. Quarterly reviews are coming up so everyone’s kind of tense.
Understandable. How’re you feeling?
David:
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Alan:
Good, I guess. I’d feel better if I had closed that Under Armor deal…but ya know…you win
some you lose some.
David:
That’s true and besides it’s not as if they don’t know you have a pretty stellar track record.
Yeah…how was your day?
Alan:
David:
Not bad. Finished a draft of that piece on the Dali exhibit. We’ll see how my editor likes it
but I feel pretty good about it.
That’s great Dave.
Alan:
David:
Yeah. Oh! So I was thinking… I have off next weekend. I thought maybe you’d like to invite
your parents up and we can go to the exhibit and have dinner and they can see our place. It’s
a little crazy that I haven’t met them yet.
Alan:
Yeah…they’re just really busy people… I barely see them…maybe. That sounds like a good
idea…I’ll have to see if they don’t already have plans.
David:
Alan, that’s what you always say and then the day before we’re supposed to see them they all
of a sudden have to go to Berlin or Idaho. They do know you’re gay right?
Alan:
Yes, of course. I think they knew before I did.
David:
Good. I was beginning to worry.
No, they’re totally fine with me being gay.
(Joking) Is it cause I’m black?
…No…psssh…no….
Alan:
David:
Alan:
David:
Oh my god. It’s because I’m black.
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Alan:
….No…
Alan.
David:
Alan:
Fine. My parents are just…a little old fashioned.
David:
Old fashioned?
Alan:
Yeah… the whole interracial thing…just isn’t their cup of tea.
David:
But you’re gay. They’re fine with you having sex with men but not if they’re black?
Alan:
Exactly.
David:
And you’re OK with this?
Alan:
No, of course not.
So why won’t you let them meet me?
David:
I just…I don’t want to cause any problems.
Alan:
David:
Wow.
David…
No. You are a coward.
David.
Alan:
David:
Alan:
David:
You are a coward. I love you, you know that right? Because I swore you loved me too.
Philip Dallmann448
Alan:
I do.
Then why are you ashamed of me?
I’m not. David it isn’t like that.
David:
Alan:
David:
But it is. You don’t want me to meet your parents because you don’t want to cause
problems. If you really loved me…cared about me you’d be a man and cause some god
damn problems.
Alan:
I…
David:
You’re a joke. An absolute joke.
David exits. Alan slumps back into his chair.
Black out.
11/22/2011 Hi-Pox-rsy
A pilgrim enters and approaches a group of Native Americans.
P1:
Cool so here we’re going to give you these blankets OK? And then we’ll take all of this.
(Motioning towards all the land) Sound good? Good.
The Native Americans take the blankets, begin to exit, and begin coughing.
Dinner?
P2:
P1:
Absolutely.
Let us pray first.
Our Father…
P2:
P1:
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann449
11/23/2011 Last on the List
Man:
You know what I hope? I hope that death, that death is like love. You know when you fall in
love? You know that instant rush that starts in your stomach and flows to your chest until it
feels like you’re a cartoon and your heart is only attached by a spring? Then after awhile it’s
that feeling of grace and bliss flowing through your veins? I hope that death is like that. I
hope it’s a complete adrenaline rushg as you’re passing over and then grace just fills your
body. I hope it’s like that. See, I know it’s coming. I’ve always known it’s coming. I
remember as a boy seeing my grandpa pass awat and thinking that he did as much as he
could with the time had. That was the day the clock started ticking for me. I’ve spent the last
55 years doing everything I wanted to do. To get the complete life experience. I’ve visited
124 countries, some that don’t even exist anymore. I’ve see the 7 wonders….8 if you count
shaking Andre the Giant’s hand. I’ve eaten some of the most exotic food you can dream up.
Made love to a woman….well several women. Made life and had a kid. I did it all. Now…
just one thing left.
He pulls out a gun. Another man enters.
Dad?
M2:
Black Out. Gun shot.
11/24/2011 False West
A girl and her aunt.
So why aren’t you coming to my wedding?
I don’t drive west in the winter.
G:
A:
Black Out.
11/25/2011 Celiac Polly
A parrot sits in a chair reading the paper. 2 friends enter.
Oh dude I forgot you had a parrot.
Yeah. I’m gonna go grab some beers.
2:
1:
1 exits.
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2:
Polly want a cracker?
No response.
2:
Polly want a cracker?
No response.
2:
(yelling) Polly want a cracker?
The parrot puts down his paper, takes the cracker out of his hand, and shoves it in 2’s face.
Parrot:
No. I’m gluten free mother fucker.
Black Out.
11/26/2011 Age Old Battle
A vacuum is in the middle of the room. A dog enters to grab something.
What the…? Where did you come from?
Dog:
The vacuum turns on. The dog runs behind the chair barking. It turns off.
Dog:
Be easy man. Be easy. What do you want? Take what ever you want. I don’t want any
trouble.
Silence. The dog grabs his bone and approaches the vacuum aggressively.
All right let’s do this then…
Dog:
The vacuum turns on again. The dog runs away dropping the bone.
TAKE IT ALL! TAKE IT ALL!
Dog:
The vacuum turns off.
Black out.
Philip Dallmann451
11/27/2011 Drink Plan
A man labeled alcohol enters a bar. He signals to a group of guys and they huddle around him.
Coach Alcohol:
All right here’s the plan guys. Mike, you’re going to run a Vodka and end up peeing in that
corner. Sal, you’re going to have two beers and start crying about one of your dead pets.
Marcus, you’re going to spend all of your money buying drinks for that girl over there, and
go home alone. Gregg, Gregg you’re going to be that guy tonight and think you’re friends
with everyone here but accidentally start a fight with….that guy. Finally Tre I’m going to
need you to just keep saying “take it to the dome” all night until it becomes a catch phrase
for the night. 3am we all meet in the cab where 3 of you will fall asleep and 1 will throw up.
On 3…1…2…3…Break!
Black out.
11/28/2011 Let Her Go
A man sits on stage a woman is moving behind him.
Man:
I know you’re there. You don’t have to tell me. I won’t let you go. I should…but I won’t.
Maybe I can’t. Maybe it’s impossible. What if that’s it? If I can’t? Does it make it OK then?
It’s not fair…oh but life’s not fair right? I’m just…sad. I’m just sad.
She exits.
I’m just… empty.
Man:
Black Out.
11/29/2011 Give So Much, Take So Little
Todd is a young man is lying on a bed waiting.
Todd:
When I was a kid I wanted to be an environmental activist. I really mean kid when I say that
too. When I was 6 I tried to tie myself to a tree in our backyard so that my dad wouldn’t
have it cut down. I stayed there up until dinner time…it got cut down but it felt like a moral
victory somehow making a stand like that. When I got older I became much more
productive with my efforts. I worked at a tree nursery. I love trees. They’re so majestic and
peaceful. They provide so much and take so little. I often used to day dream about just lying
down in the Redwood Forest….sort of my happy place I guess. I did other things too… I
helped clean any park in the county that was having a standard “Let’s Clean Up Our Park
Day”, I even got my mom to plant specific flowers so our backyard would be declared a
wildlife preserve. I went to college to become an activist. I protested anything worth
protesting and even took a trip to Costa Rica to study the plant life there with one of my
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professors. I loved it all. He put me here ya know? He did. That man. After that trip…on
that trip….what he did…I shouldn’t blame him though…I can only blame myself for my
actions…right? Of course…no…he did this to me…I wouldn’t hate myself…I wouldn’t be
doing this…I…
An older man enters. He enters slowly and then places some money on the nightstand. He sits next to the
young man and begins to undress while starting to touch him.
They give so much…and take so little.
Todd:
Man:
Shhh.
Black Out.
11/30/2011 Real Real Houswives
Off stage V/O:
This week on the Real Housewives of Mount Holly, New Jersey…
A woman enters the dining room where her husband and child are sitting ready for dinner.
Time to dig in!
We have to say grace first. Tom?
Molly:
Wife:
They grab hands.
Dad:
Thank you Lord for this food and for our health and our family. Amen.
Time to dig in!
Molly:
Off stage V/O:
Tune in next week when young Molly writes thank you cards for her birthday
presents…only on Bravo TV, Watch What Happens.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann453
12/1/2011 For Those Who Know
A man is sitting on a bench. He is wrapped snuggly in a coat, scarf, etc. A clown enters and sits down.
Clown:
Sup?
Man:
Cold.
Clown:
Yeah.
Man:
No Joke?
Clown:
2 elephants are in a bath tub. One says pass the soap, the other says no soap, radio.
The man takes off his coat and gives it to the clown. The clown promptly exits with the coat on.
Man:
No soap. Radio.
Black Out.
12/2/2011 My State With Kings
A classroom.
Jarrett:
My name is Jarrett. This is my class. I have what most people call high functioning autism.
This is my inner monologue I suppose. Here things are extremely clear. Here I can
communicate clearly, express my thoughts and feelings. Actual dialogue, actual conversation
is… is a problem.
Jarrett please get to work.
No thank you.
Jarrett.
Teacher:
Jarrett:
Teacher:
Jarrett:
No thank you. No thank you.
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Back to inner monologue.
Jarrett:
I know this stuff. Multiplying fractions, easy. I can absolutely do it. I want to tell her that it’s
too easy. I want to say I can do it. I just… No thank you.
Mrs. Waltman?
Chelsea:
Teacher:
Yes Chelsea?
I like your hair today.
Chelsea:
Jarrett:
That’s Chelsea. She’s beautiful. I love her. She smells like grape jelly all the time and I love
grape jelly. I can’t tell her I love her though. I tried to give her a hug once but Mrs. Waltman
said it was inappropriate. Our normal daily interactions are usually something like…
Hey Jarrett!
Chelsea:
Silence.
Chelsea:
How are you today?
Silence.
Did you have a good breakfast?
Chelsea:
Silence.
I had waffles today.
Chelsea:
Silence.
Are you ready for class?
Chelsea:
Silence.
Chelsea:
OK see you later.
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Jarrett:
One day I’m going to tell her I had Frosted Flakes and walk to class with her. I know I will. I
want to so badly. It’s just this wall…this wall is in the way. Do you know that I read
Shakespeare? I’m only 13 and I fully comprehend it. I get it. I even memorized his sonnet
29….
When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.
It’s exactly how I feel. Brandon over there can say what ever he thinks, so can Max…I envy
them so much…but that flees from my mind when I think of her. I can say all of this here. I
want to say it out there. Today I’m going to do it. Today…Today…
Chelsea walks by.
Hey, Jarrett.
Chelsea:
Silence.
Have a good day Jarrett.
Chelsea:
Silence.
Black Out.
12/3/2011 Reindeer Games
Rudolph and his agent discuss a new contract with Santa.
Agent:
All right so as you know after this next flight my client’s contract is up.
Santa:
And we are ready to make a very competitive offer.
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Agent:
We want a new private stall, off site training privileges, guaranteed twenty mil with flight
time incentives of 200 thousand per minute ahead of schedule.
Santa:
Twenty mil? Dasher doesn’t even make that much and he’s the fastest on the squad.
Agent:
Dasher doesn’t light the way through the storm. Dasher doesn’t lead the pack.
Santa:
Oh but he can. He’s more than capable of leading the team.
Agent:
Twenty mil. Guaranteed.
Santa:
13 and I’ll throw in some bonus carrots in the private stall.
Agent:
Twenty.
Santa:
Thirteen is my final offer.
Agent:
Fine. Let’s go Rudy. We have a meeting with the Bunny’s people at 3. I’m sure they’ll
appreciate once in a lifetime talent.
Rudy and agent exit. Santa picks up the phone.
Santa:
Jingle? Let Dasher know he’s taking the lead this year. No. No we don’t need that shiny
nosed ungrateful prick. We’ll be fine. Just tell Dasher and let Blitzen know we’re calling his
kid up. He’s coming to the show.
Black Out.
12/4/2011 The Writer: In Her Driveway
The Writer is at his desk sipping coffee. A slow clap is heard off stage.
A slow clap? Really?
Writer:
Suzan Lori-Parks enters with her Pulitzer Prize. She puts it on his desk.
Philip Dallmann457
The slowest.
SLP:
Writer:
I kept our deal. I didn’t write you until after I passed 300. I actually waited until number 319.
SLP:
I know. You picked one of the most insignificant numbers on a completely insignificant day
to put me in another play.
Writer:
319 is the zip code for east central Iowa…pretty significant…AND today is Jay Z and Big
Pokey’s birthday so … pretty big day in history. Big. Pokey.
I hate you.
SLP:
Writer:
Why Suzan Lori-Pokey?
Don’t call me that.
SLP:
Writer:
I’m pretty sure that’s all I’m going to call you Ms. Lori-Pokey. Or I could call you Lil Pokey?
I hate you so much.
SLP:
Writer:
You’re just scurred cause I’m closing in.
SLP:
Why would I be scurred? What’s the last play of any quality that you’ve written?
Writer:
I’m pretty sure the autistic kid’s inner monologue was pretty solid…and the last one I
though was kind of funny…and…
What ever. That’s not why I’m here.
Why are you here?
SLP:
Writer:
SLP:
I’m here because I’ve noticed you haven’t written anything with any type of romantic
optimism in too long.
Philip Dallmann458
Writer:
So?
SLP:
So? That’s your bread and butter. That’s the shit that makes your set of plays even a little bit
interesting.
Really?
Well that and Jimmy the Janitor.
He’s pretty great.
Writer:
SLP:
Writer:
SLP:
He is and an excellent lover.
Writer:
Ugh. Gross. You’re sleeping with one of my characters?
Can you blame me?
Yes. Maybe? Gross.
SLP:
Writer:
SLP:
Back to the point Mr. Write Side Track Dialogue because I think it’s funny.
It is funny…
Writer:
SLP:
What’s going on? I don’t care if you aren’t writing fall in love at first sight deals but you
aren’t even writing the I’m in search of miss right and struggling plays anymore.
Writer:
I stopped looking. I figure at some point she’ll show up or I’ll die alone.
Jimmy the Janitor enters.
Now that’s some bull shit.
Jimmy:
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SLP:
Oh…hey Jimmy…
Jimmy:
Susie. Boy, come here.
The Writer walks over to him. Jimmy smacks him in the back of the head.
Ow.
Writer:
Jimmy:
That was some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. “Oh I’m gonna sit on my ass until the
woman I love shows up or I’m just gonna die pitying myself”. That’s that bull shit.
Well…
Shut up.
Writer:
Jimmy:
Writer:
Yes sir.
Jimmy:
Listen hear. You know how I met my wife?
No.
Writer:
Jimmy:
Neither do I cause you never wrote me a god damn back story, but I can tell you I surely
didn’t just sit around. Now you’re gonna have to go and date some crazies…some drunk
goggle girls…maybe even a hefty one…but you’ll find her.
Thanks Jimmy. That was a good pep talk.
I’ll be in the car Jimmy.
Writer:
SLP:
SLP exits.
I thought you had a wife?
Writer:
Jimmy:
You haven’t actually written her yet…so she doesn’t actually exist.
Philip Dallmann460
Writer:
Well played.
Jimmy smacks the Writer in the back of the head again.
What?
Writer:
Jimmy:
That was for writing me as a god damn gang banger in that Henry V play. Do I look like
Chris Tucker or Mos Def?
Writer:
Those are two very different…
Jimmy raises his hand to smack him again.
Writer:
No sir. No you don’t. It wont happen again.
Jimmy:
Good. Now I gotta go get busy. Please refrain from actually writing what I’m about to do.
It’s not stage appropriate.
Writer:
No problem.
Jimmy exits. The Writer rushes over to the paper to write…
And Black Out.
Writer:
Black Out.
12/5/2011 Pythagorean Distraction
A young man is studying for the GRE.
Man:
Ugh. Fuck this test. Why do I even want to go to grad school? Besides it now essentially
becoming the new bachelors degree? Pythagorean theorem…why don’t I remember this?
Flashback to when he was in 9th grade. He is now wearing a big chain, sagging his pants, and holding his
crotch.
Teacher:
Pythagorean theorem. The formula here is… Mr. Parker? Am I boring you?
Philip Dallmann461
Man:
Wha…no.
Teacher:
Then eyes up here and not on Ms. Dawson.
Yes ma’am.
Man:
Back to current time.
Damn Emily Dawson and her boobs.
Man:
Black Out.
12/6/2011 Invisible Hero
A kid enters playing with his invisible best friend. Dialogue can be adlibbed for the beginning of the play.
They are fighting bad guys . (ie: Shredder, Magneto, Storm Troopers etc.) They play until they’re exhausted
and collapse on the floor.
Kid:
You know Zack? You’re my best friend. I wish you went to school with me.
A woman enters.
More bad guys.
Keep it the fuck down.
We’re playing.
Kid:
Mom:
Kid:
Mom:
No you’re being annoying.
No.
Don’t talk back to me.
Kid:
Mom:
She hits him. He falls to the ground.
Philip Dallmann462
Stop talking to the air too…
Mom:
She is hit by seemingly nothing and then choked by nothing until she is unconscious.
Kid:
Man Zack you always save the day.
Black Out.
12/7/2011 Not Enough Salt
A couple sits down for dinner. Alison brings over homemade soup. Eric immediately grabs the salt and puts
a few shakes in. She goes to sit down but pauses and turns back to him. She goes to speak but decides
against. She sits and begins to eat. She has a slight slurp. Eric stops eating and looks up. He contemplates
saying something but thinks better of it and returns to eating until his phone goes off. It’s a super offensive
ring done. (Bitches Ain’t Shit?). He gets up to get it. For a brief second he almost answers it but after a look
to Alison he just silences it. He returns to his soup. Alison, after a moment, gets up to get them both 2 new
beers. As she places them on the table the phone goes off again with Eric once again silencing it. Before sitting
down she stands for a moment hoping to catch his eye, looking for some type of recognition. It does not come.
As he finishes his soup he gets up with his bowl and gets some more. When he sits back down he adds more
salt. Alison takes this in, gets up, places her bowl in the sink, grabs a key out of her purse, places it on the
counter and exits. Eric finishes his dinner.
Black Out.
12/8/2011 Formula For Dressing Your Teenage Daughter
A teen girl who just screams rebellious enters the living room where her parents and older brother are
watching TV.
You are not going out looking like that?
Dad, be a more stereotypical Dad.
Dad:
Girl:
Dad:
I’m serious. You are barely wearing any clothes.
Don’t exaggerate Dad. I’m covered.
No you aren’t.
Mom. Seriously?
Girl:
Mom:
Girl:
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Mom:
Who dresses like that?
Everyone Mom.
No one I know.
Girl:
Mom:
Girl:
That’s because the people you know where sweaters in the summer.
Mom:
It gets chilly even in the summer. I don’t understand. Why can’t you follow nice people?
Good role models. Like your brother.
Girl:
He’s a substitute teacher.
Hey. I change lives.
Brother:
Girl:
You make sure no one dies and no one gets pregnant.
Hey.
Brother:
Girl:
And one girl got pregnant.
I…you’re right.
Brother:
Girl:
So is this going to play out like every other sitcom and I change but then change back
outside without you knowing until I slip up somehow and you catch me?
Dad:
Yeah. Let’s do that so I can get back to watching Jeopardy and I can save my disapproval
disappointment speech for when you get caught with a boy.
Cool.
Girl:
She goes back upstairs and we hear the intro of Jeopardy.
Philip Dallmann464
Black Out.
12/9/2011 Untitled #10
A man rolls out a white board and begins to draw. He draws a picture of a zebra. A woman enters.
Woman:
Ok putting it on a white board does not make it refrigerator worthy. And where did you get
a white board? I don’t want to know. Stop trying to one up our son. His picture is just fine.
She goes and grabs a beautiful painting and hangs it on the refrigerator. It should make the zebra look like
shit. The man pitifully walks off and then runs back on and does a back flip.
Woman:
Grow up Donald.
Black Out.
12/10/2011 Get Yo Resurrection On Homie
Jesus is on stage watching Lost and eating a cupcake. A timer goes off.
Jesus:
Ugh. Well I guess it’s time to get my resurrection on…it was just such a nice long
weekend… how about one more day? I’m like 2 episodes from the end here.
Thunder cracks.
Fine…no need to be like that…
Jesus:
Thunder cracks again.
Jesus:
OK, OK I’m going, I’m going. Gotta go move that stupid stone…
Jesus Exits.
Black Out.
12/11/2011 Embrace Stumbles Or Blind Yourself With Grace
A disheveled room. Clothes scattered. A messy desk. A bed that hasn’t been made in weeks. A woman
wrapped in the covers. The alarm clock goes over. She slams it off in one swift but violent motion. We peer
into her memories…her dreams. In front of the bed we see a couple’s first meeting. He’s dressing a Christmas
tree. She’s stealing glances. He tosses tinsel at her. We see a couple’s first date. He shows up with lilies and a
suit jacket. She wears a green dress. They dance a bit. He’s terrible. She laughs. They laugh. A good night
kiss, they miss the first time…they laugh…he doesn’t miss twice. We see a Christmas morning. He opens a
Philip Dallmann465
box and finds a key. Her apartment key. She opens a box and finds a ring. They’re getting married. We see
a wedding. We see the first kiss of the marriage, the first dance. They dance. They navigate the obstacles in
the room gracefully…at first. He trips first but rejoins the dance. They begin alternating messing up the dance
laughing at first, but eventually becoming frustrated with each other until he falls. She stares at him. Another
woman enters and helps him up. A moment passes. She doesn’t move. He does. He starts a new dance and
goes to exit. As he is all but gone she moves. Too late. He’s gone. She collapses onto the bed. The alarm clock
goes off and with one swift but violent motion she turns it off.
Black out.
12/12/2011 I Ain’t Got Time For Godot
A man is standing outside an airport with a sign that reads “Godot”. He keeps checking his watch. His
phone rings.
Man:
Yeah? No I’m still waiting. I don’t know? Like 2 hours ago. Um, hold on. Flight…947.
You’re kidding me? It never left? The flight is delayed and that prick doesn’t call? Oh fuck
that noise. No! I’m not about to wait for that inconsiderate bastard. I ain’t got time for this
shit. He knows that Old Country Buffet special ends at 6pm. They got that macaroni pizza
tonight. Shit. (pr. Sheeeeeeeet)
He hangs up, throws the sign in the trash, and begins to exit.
Man:
Tryin to make me miss macaroni pizza….must be crazy…
He exits.
Black Out.
12/13/2011 Pre-mature Mom
2 kids in strollers.
Derek.
Yeah?
M:
D:
M:
I’m pregnant.
It’s not mine.
D:
Philip Dallmann466
You’re the only one.
M:
D:
Damn… I guess I gotta drop out of day care.
How’d we let this happen?
M:
D:
You got a problem with the bottle Mel.
M:
Yeah? Well how about you, always playing with the PlayDoh? You don’t think I know about
that?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
D:
M:
You reek of it when you come home. You have green all over your hands.
D:
Well maybe if you wanted to play something other than BARBIE I WOULDN’T HAVE
TO GO OUT AND PLAY WITH PLAYDOH!
M:
OH SO IT’S MY FAULT? I BUILT A GOOD HOME FOR US IN OUR MATTEL
KITCHEN AND THIS IS WHAT I GET? OHHHH NO. I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT.
YOU’RE GOING TO PAY ME CHILD SUPPORT UNTIL YOU’RE POTTY
TRAINED!
I’LL SEE YOU THERE!
D:
They are stuck there because they need someone to roll them away. Several moments pass.
D:
You got any animal crackers?
Go to hell.
M:
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann467
12/14/2011 Invention Day
A mom is cleaning the kitchen. Her son enters.
Son:
All right Mom I have my two ideas for invention day.
Ok hit me with’em.
Ice Cream phone.
Mom:
Son:
Mom:
I love it. Is there a mint chip kind?
Only on Sprint.
But I hate their service.
Son:
Mom:
Son:
Sorry Mom, exclusive distribution agreement.
Mom:
Bastards….what’s your second invention?
Bear booties.
Oh…what about bear mittens?
Come on Mom, that would be ridiculous.
Son:
Mom:
Son:
She opens the fridge and takes the ice cream out.
Make your stupid ice cream phone now!
Mom:
She grabs a spoon and storms off.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann468
12/15/2011 Censoring Santa
Santa is sitting in a rocking chair eating some cookies. There is a knock at the door. He goes to open it.
There are two members of the FCC there.
FCC1:
Chris Cringle?
Yes?
Santa:
FCC1:
This is a fine from the FCC for indecent language on a public program.
Excuse me?
Santa:
FCC1:
It was you on the float at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade correct?
Yes, I’m there every year.
Santa:
FCC1:
(To his associate) Remind me to look into past violations.
Violations? What is this about?
Santa:
FCC1:
On Thursday November 24th at approximately 11am you on national TV uttered the words
“Ho, Ho, Ho”, did you not?
Santa:
Of course I did. I say it all the time.
FCC1:
Well…sir…I don’t know how your family deals with that kind of derogatory language but
here in America we don’t put up with our children hearing that kind of language on national
television.
Santa:
I’ve been saying it for years.
FCC1:
Do you also still slap your secretary on her butt too? This isn’t the 1950s anymore old man
and you are no Don Draper.
Philip Dallmann469
I…
Santa:
FCC1:
Here is your fine. Please make the check payable to Joe Bi…I mean the United States of
America. Good Day.
The FCC goes to exit but turns back.
FCC1:
And Merry Christmas.
Black Out.
12/16/2011 You Got The Right Stuff…Hitler
2 over the top hipsters sit with 40s and coffee.
1:
Do you think it’s too soon to ironically like the holocaust?
2:
What would be ironic about it?
1:
Ya know…people died….gas chambers…stuff…it’s just like how we all ironically like New
Kids On The Block now.
Donnie Wahlberg is no Hitler.
Yeah but…
2:
1:
2:
Several million Jews dying is not the same as trying to bring handkerchiefs back not matter
unhygienic they may be.
1 blows his nose with said handkerchief.
It is like genocide on hygiene.
2:
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann470
12/17/2011 Samaritan App Needed
On stage the parable of the Good Samaritan is performed by dancers. At the completion of the dance the
lights fade for a moment and rise on a modern day street. A man is walking to work. He is a blue collar
factory worker. Seemingly out of nowhere 3 people jump him. They take his wallet, phone, and beat him
mercilessly. They run off leaving him there to die. He slowly drags himself to the street area. After a moment
a man in a suit heading to work on his phone enters and walks by the man. The man moans for help. The
businessman looks at the man for a moment.
Businessman:
I…Sorry. I’ve got to get to work. This is important.
He exits leaving the beaten man alone.
Black Out.
12/18/2011 Webster’s Defines Awkward As…
An apartment. A man is pacing. His girlfriend enters.
Hey.
Hey.
So I have pretty big news.
W:
M:
W:
M:
Me too.
Same time?
Uh…sure.
1..2…. 3…
W:
M:
W:
Overlapping
I’m pregnant.
I’m gay.
W:
M:
Philip Dallmann471
A moment.
Black Out.
12/19/2011 What If….
We are in Gettysburg. Abraham Lincoln approaches the back of the train to deliver the Gettysburg Address.
AL:
Ahem. Four Score and…
A strong wind blows his speech away. He stops. The crowd waits.
AL:
Four Score…and…and…and…and Carthage must be destroyed. The End.
He runs off.
Where’s Carthage?
I think Illinois.
1:
2:
3:
Nah Carthage is in New Jersey. Got a cousin down there.
So…we gotta destroy New Jersey?
I guess so.
All right…let’s go.
2:
3:
1:
2:
Hey everyone we gotta go destroy New Jersey!
The crowd disperses. A man dressed in modern attire enters.
M:
And that’s how we could’ve avoided Snooki. The End.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann472
12/20/2011 One Night Suspension- Excessive Bitching
A wife is clearing the table. Her husband is wearing a soccer jersey.
Honey will you do the dishes?
W:
He looks at her and all of a sudden drops to the ground grabbing his knee.
H:
Oh my knee…ow…oh boy…that really hurts…did you see how I twisted it?...ow…oh
man…I think I tore something…yep it’s my meniscus…that’s a thing right?...yep definitely
my meniscus…never going to walk again…get the wheel chair ready…I’m going to be like
Christopher Reeves…it’s awful…oh god…
She gets her purse and pulls out a yellow card.
He pops right up.
H:
A yellow card?!? You gotta be kidding me? You’re out of your mind!
She pulls out a red card.
Keep trying me.
Fine…
W:
H:
He stomps over to the dishes.
Stupid dishes…bull sh…
I’ll prep the couch for you.
The Couch?!?! Come on! That’s excessive.
H:
W:
H:
W:
One night suspension for a red card. I don’t make the rules.
She exits.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann473
12/21/2011 Date Night At Sbarros
A young couple enter their apartment arguing.
J:
Because Tommy it would be nice to go to a restaurant not in the mall.
T:
What’s wrong with Sbarro’s? They got every kind of pizza.
And every kind of that e coli.
J:
T:
Hey. Sbarro’s is a fine institution.
J:
Where’d you get that $10 word from? Jeaopardy?
T:
No…Brett played it in our game of Words With Friends.
J:
Figures…Maybe Brett would take me and his $10 word to a nice dinner.
T:
You go ahead. I’m pretty sure Brett’s gay.
J:
Why do you say that? Because he shops at stores that don’t end with the words “Charity” or
“Good Will”?
No…for a real reason.
Oh.
Yeah…so…yeah.
T:
J:
T:
J:
Well tell me what is it?
He…he…He’s a Braves Fan.
T:
Philip Dallmann474
J:
You gotta be fuckin kidding me? You’re an idiot. I-SWEAR-TO-GOD I’m dating an idiot.
You give me headaches. See? I got one now. I’m going to bed.
She goes towards the bedroom but trips over something on the floor.
What the…?
J:
T:
You’re drunk…
TOMMY!
What?
Look.
J:
T:
J:
T:
At wha….holy shit.
Is that what I think it is?
I think it’s a dead leprechaun.
J:
T:
J:
That’s what I was thinking. Check and see if it’s alive.
T:
You check and see if it’s alive.
Oh grow a pair for once.
Fine…
J:
T:
He kicks it. It moves.
OH FUCK!
T:
Tommy runs behind the couch leaving Jen.
Philip Dallmann475
J:
You gotta be kidding me.
It’s alive.
It’s the size of my calf.
Well…
T:
J:
T:
J:
Watch it.
It’s a leprechaun.
You’re an idiot.
T:
J:
T:
You’re the one standing next to a leprechaun.
J:
Tommy. What do leprechauns have?
Magic and scary teeth like in that movie.
GOLD DUMBASS!
Oh. OH! Where’s his gold?
T:
J:
T:
J:
If I knew do you think I’d still be talking to you?
Well let’s ask him.
He’s too heavy I can’t get him up.
Here, this is man’s work.
T:
J:
T:
Philip Dallmann476
He struggles but gets him up on the chair.
T:
There.
J:
Manly.
T:
I know.
J:
We should probably tie him up so he can’t just run away right?
Good idea.
T:
J:
I know.
T:
We don’t got any rope.
J:
What about duct tape? They use that a lot on 24.
I used the last of it to fix our headboard.
Well unfix it.
T:
J:
T:
But I like our headboard. It makes us like grown ups.
J:
Well if we get his gold we can be actual grown ups with a duct tape free head board.
Fine.
T:
He exits. We hear him removing the tape and then a slight crash. He re-enters with a mess of tape.
Got it.
T:
Philip Dallmann477
Ok then tape him up.
You could help ya know?
J:
T:
J:
I just got these nails put on I’m not about to have them messed up by that tape. Try again.
T:
Fine.
He tapes the leprechaun to the chair.
Now what?
T:
J:
Jesus do I have to think of everything? We gotta wake him up.
OK.
T:
Tommy walks away and then turns back really fast and yells “BOO!”
T:
Nothing.
Come here.
OK.
J:
T:
She slaps him.
Ow.
Get me some water.
You thirsty now?
T:
J:
T:
J:
No…just get the damn water.
Philip Dallmann478
He gets it and she throws it in the leprechaun’s face. He wakes up.
L:
Whaaaaa….
T:
HELLO MY NAME IS TOMMY. I’M PART IRISH TOO. WHERE IS YOUR GOLD?
J:
He’s a leprechaun not a deaf.
The leprechaun becomes aware that he is tied up.
J:
Yes we tied you up. All we would like is your gold.
L:
My gold?
Yes. You give us the gold and you go free.
J:
Tommy is slowly working up the courage to poke him…and then does.
OH HE’S SQUISHY!
T:
L:
Hey! I may have put on a few pounds but you watch who you’re callin squishy.
Ahem. The gold?
J:
L:
Oh…right…uh well…
I’m waiting.
She’s a tough one.
You have no idea.
J:
L:
T:
She raises her hand and both men flinch hard.
Philip Dallmann479
I said…ahem. The gold?
J:
L:
Well you see it’s a wee bit more complicated than just me giving you the gold.
Oh well if you need time to get it…
T:
J:
Tommy.
Tommy mimes zipping his mouth shut.
L:
No you see the thing is…what had happened was…I really like black jack right? And you
know we’re supposed to be lucky right?
Right.
J:
T:
OH! Luck of the Irish. I get it now.
L:
…Right. Well there were these guys…and they made some bets…and I drank some
whiskey…and they drank some whiskey….and then I made some bets….and basically I
already owe them my pot of gold.
J:
So they have it?
Technically…no.
Then where is it?
Technically…I don’t remember.
L:
J:
L:
J:
How do you lose a pot of gold?
T:
I understand man. I lost my left converse last week. No clue where it went.
Philip Dallmann480
A pot of gold is not a shoe.
J:
T:
I know that Jen. I’m not dumb. A shoe couldn’t hold very much gold.
What happened to the gold?
J:
L:
Well I had it…and now I don’t.
I don’t believe you, you’re lying to me.
J:
L:
Tommy, what would you do with a pot of gold?
T:
Hm. I think I’d buy a Prius and …and I’d buy Sbarros. Prius with extra chesse haha.
L:
I love Sbarros.
I’d buy a new boyfriend.
J:
L:
Tommy if you untie me you can have your own Sbarros pizza.
Oh?
T:
J:
Don’t you dare. He said he doesn’t know where the gold is.
That’s true.
I lied. I know exactly where it is.
He admitted he’s a liar. You can’t trust him.
T:
L:
J:
T:
That’s true too.
Philip Dallmann481
L:
She’s a gold digger Tommy. Trust me. You’ll get your Prius and cheese.
Tommy I swear to God…
I have to think about this.
J:
T:
He exits.
Where’d he go?
Bathroom.
L:
J:
L:
To think?
He does his best work while pooping.
J:
L:
Huh…all right then. OK Jen. Let me shoot straight with you.
…OK…
J:
L:
I do have the gold.
I knew it.
J:
L:
But the thing is…I can only give it to someone I’ve known.
J:
We’ve been here for like 10 minutes you know me enough.
L:
No…. I mean known in the biblical type sense.
Oh…OH.
J:
Philip Dallmann482
L:
So what do you say you and I get out of here…head to that Motel 6…and then you will have
all the gold you want…
We hear the toilet flush.
J:
Deal.
She starts to untie him as the clock rings.
L:
What time is it?
J:
8. Why?
L:
Fuck.
The door flies open. The room goes black. Semi Automatic Weapons are heard.
We get’em?
1:
2:
Definitely.
Try and take my money…little green elf…
1:
The door slams and the lights come back up. The Leprechaun and Jen are both dead. Tommy comes out from
the bathroom after a moment.
What the…
T:
The TV falls over. Behind it is the pot of gold. Tommy slowly walks to it, walking over Jen’s body. He picks
it up.
Oh! I didn’t wash my hands.
T:
He runs back to the bathroom.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann483
12/22/2011 Risk of Saving Christmas
We’re in an autopsy room. The ME has just put a sheet over a patient post autopsy. 2 Officers enter.
O1:
Miranda, I need you to settle a debate for us.
Sigh. What now?
ME:
O1:
Who do you think would look better driving a Zu Zitter Carzay?
She walks away to get a chart.
Told you it was me.
O2:
O1:
Shut up. Did you get everything Susie asked for, for Christmas?
O2:
Yeah. Tar Tinkers, Flu Floopers, and a couple Who Wompers. Cost me a fortune. Going to
be eating nothing but Who-Hash for 6 months.
ME:
Are you boys going to ask me cause of death? I have Who-Pudding and Who-Roast Beast to
make.
O1:
Harry here needs to lay off the Who-Pudding eh?
Silence.
Sorry. Cause of death?
O1:
ME:
Enlarged heart.
Foul play?
O2:
ME:
Not likely, but it appears to have just about tripled in size in a very short amount of time.
Probably an anomaly but maybe worth looking into. Now if you’ll excuse me.
She exits.
Philip Dallmann484
We hear the Who’s caroling outside.
Man do Who’s love to sing.
Racist.
O1:
O2:
O1:
What? It’s true.
Black Out.
12/23/2011 Untitled #11
The 3 wise men enter on camel
Are you sure we’re going the right way?
1:
2:
That’s what the GPS says. We head south for another 30 kilometers.
Turn right up ahead.
Wait what?
Turn left.
GPS:
2:
GPS:
1:
I told you we shouldn’t listen to that thing.
Make a U-Turn as soon as legally possible.
You got a better idea?
GPS:
2:
1:
Well…no…I’m just saying…we’d be better off just following that bright ass star.
2:
Yeah? This GPS cost me a fortune. I hardly think that following a star…
Philip Dallmann485
I say we follow the star.
3:
2:
Oh now you have an opinion? Where were you when we were trying to decide between
McDonald’s and Wendy’s hm?
2 against 1. We follow the star.
Bet you we get lost.
1:
2:
3:
We’re already lost.
Bet you we get more lost.
2:
1:
OK. I’ll take that bet. If we get lost I’ll walk home. If we don’t you have to switch gifts with
me.
Deal.
2:
1:
Good. I did not want to give the son of god frankincense. What’d you get him anyway
Ralph?
…myrrh.
3:
1:
Are you serious? All right Mr. Big Shot…
Someone raised taxes this year.
No…someone just didn’t buy a shitty GPS.
DAMN YOU JUST GOT MAGI’ED.
2:
3:
1:
2:
Shut up and lets go follow this stupid star.
Philip Dallmann486
They walk towards the light.
Black Out.
12/24/2011 Untitled #12
The Writer is sitting at his desk. Suzan Lori Parks enters.
Hey Suzan Lori Parks.
Writer:
SLP:
Hey…you. You really could have given yourself a character name.
Meh. What’s up?
Writer:
SLP:
I just came by to drop of your Christmas present.
You got me a Christmas present?
Of course I did.
Is it a bomb?
Writer:
SLP:
Writer:
SLP:
No…unless it counts as you being “da bomb”…eh? Eh? Anyway, here.
She hands him a gift.
Thanks Suzan Lori Parks.
Writer:
He opens it and powder comes out.
Writer:
WHAT THE FUCK? DID YOU GIVE ME ANTHRAX?!?!
No of course not.
SLP:
Writer:
Oh. So it’s just flour?
Philip Dallmann487
No. It’s magic sleeping powder.
Magic sleep…
SLP:
Writer:
He passes out.
Finish your year of plays now bitch.
Suzan Lori Parks.
Who’s there?
SLP:
CF:
SLP:
The Ghost of Christmas Future enters.
CF:
I am the Ghost of Christmas Future. If you stop him from writing those plays you will die a
horrible gruesome death and they will adapt Top Dog/Under Dog into a jazzy musical.
Are you serious?
SLP:
CF:
The opening number is the Jazy Z version of it’s a hard knock life with a 6 minute tap break
in the middle.
We see a bit of this performance before SLP races over to the Writer and gives him the antidote.
What the…
Sorry about that. Merry Christmas.
Writer:
SLP:
SLP runs off. The Writer walks over to the Ghost of Christmas Future and they do a very intricate
handshake.
CF:
Merry Christmas.
Writer:
Merry Christmas to you too. Where you off to next?
Philip Dallmann488
CF:
Lindsay Lohan’s. She’s about to ruin her life …oh wait…
SLP comes running out of no where wielding her Pulitzer Prize try to attack the Ghost.
Writer:
And Black Out.
Black Out.
Merry Christmas
All 3:
12/25/2011 Untitled #13
On stage a man is reading a book. His pregnant wife enters.
W:
Are you finally reading one of the baby books I gave you?
Nope.
Oh.
Well sort of.
M:
W:
M:
W:
Sort of?
M:
It’s a book about babies just not one you gave me.
Oh. Anything good in it?
Yep.
W:
M:
W:
Care to share?
M:
I’m currently learning how to make sure our son is a lefty.
Philip Dallmann489
Why do you want our son to be a lefty?
I want him to be a left handed relief pitcher.
W:
M:
W:
Ronald. Our son can be what ever he wants. We will not be “those” parents who pressure…
M:
Left Handed Relievers have career average earnings of 16.4 million dollars.
W:
So are we thinking Tommy John right out of the womb or do we have to wait for that?
It doesn’t say.
M:
W:
I’ll google…. I can already feel retiring at 50…
Black Out.
12/26/2011 Slow Down…Enjoy
There is a Christmas tree, fully decorated with scattered opened gifts all around it. We hear parents putting
children to bed after a long Christmas Day. A woman comes down the stairs and plops onto the couch
exhausted. A man follows suit.
M:
Good Christmas.
Good Christmas.
W:
They fist bump.
W:
Now onto the birthdays…I was thinking…
He stops her with a kiss.
Well that’s better than what I was thinking.
W:
He gets up and puts some music on. Something slow, smooth, with some soul. He takes her hand and they
slow dance.
Philip Dallmann490
Slow Slow Slow Black Out.
Writers Note: All Toys that are used as set dressing should be donated to a local
charity after any performance of this play…don’t be a douche and not donate them.
Santa knows…He always knows.
12/27/2011 Poo Play
On stage a homeless man, young couple, and pie eating champion sit. They repeat this conversation until
satisfied.
I used to be a doctor.
I love you.
HM:
YC1:
PEC:
My name’s Sheryl.
I love you more.
I just pooped.
I like blueberry pie.
YC2:
HM:
PEC:
YC2:
I love you more.
Women poop during labor.
I love you more.
I don’t like poop pie.
HM:
YC1:
PEC:
HM:
Wahh
We’re in love.
YC2:
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann491
12/28/2011 Million Ghosts March
Martin Luther King Jr and Coretta lie in bed. Martin awakens suddenly gasping.
Coretta:
What is it?
MLK:
I…
Martin, are you OK? What is it?
I…I had a dream…
Coretta:
MLK:
Coretta:
Oh goodness. Seriously? I heard the speech. Repeating it will not get you lucky at…what
time is it? 3am. Ugh now I’m up…I’m gonna go pee.
She exits to the bathroom.
But there were ghosts this time.
MLK:
He grabs a flashlight and hides under the covers.
Black Out.
12/29/2011 Untitled #14
We’re in a house, it’s Christmas. We see a family portrait labeled “The Booths”. It is the early to mid
1800’s. The husband and wife are placing the last presents around the tree.
We got everything this year right?
Yes Junius, I got everything.
Mr. Booth:
Mrs. Booth:
Mr. Booth:
Rocking Horse?
Yes…
Mrs. Booth:
Philip Dallmann492
Clown make up?
Yes…
Oxford Shakespeare.
Mr. Booth:
Mrs. Booth:
Mr. Booth:
Mrs. Booth:
Yes Junius I got EVERYTHING.
Mr. Booth:
Fine…did you get him the gun he wanted for hunting this year?
Mrs. Booth:
He’s not getting a gun. He’d end up shooting himself or worse someone else.
He wouldn’t shoot anyone.
Mr. Booth:
Mrs. Booth:
That’s what you think.
Abraham Lincoln walks through.
Badum pssh.
AL:
Black Out.
12/30/2011 Audience Participation
2 guys walk into a bar.
1. The first left handed audience member to raise their hand gets to finish the play by
telling the 2 actors what “2 guys walk into a bar” joke to play out.
2. The Oldest Person is next.
3. Followed by the person who must recently gave birth.
After these 3 people go, Black Out.
12/31/2011 Untitled #15
Several ghosts inhabit the stage. A man enters.
I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.
Man:
Philip Dallmann493
His past disappears.
Black Out.
1/1/2012 Go For Timeless
The Writer is on stage “Tebowing”. Suzan Lori Parks enters.
SLP:
What are you doing?
Tebowing. Everyone is doing it.
Writer:
SLP:
No one will remember what the hell Tebowing is in 5 years.
That’s not true.
Writer:
SLP:
You gotta go for timeless in these plays. Stuff that will resonate in 10, 20, 30 years.
Like planking?
Writer:
SLP:
No. Planking isn’t even relevant now.
Writer:
OK so like what would be current right now and timeless?
SLP:
Kris Humphries.
Kris Humphries?
Writer:
Yep. I can see big things coming from him.
SLP:
A man walks by with a sign that says 10 years later.
Writer:
Kind of missed on that Kris Humphries thing huh?
Philip Dallmann494
SLP:
Just a little. Just a little.
Black Out.
1/2/2012 What do you say?
A man sits on the floor. He is slightly battered. Another man enters.
2:
I… you knew…
1:
3 times?
2:
I…I’m so sorry…
1:
3 times.
2:
But you said…
1:
3 times.
2:
I understand.
The second man exits.
Black Out.
1//3/2012 The Writer Loves America
The Writer enters with a sheet of paper. He’s some kinds of pissed off.
Writer:
OK I know I’ve written a few of these asides in the last couple plays but this is necessary. I
don’t know if it’s been clear in my first 300 some odd plays but I really do love America. It’s
a pretty great place. One of the best things about America? The National Anthem. It’s pretty
stellar. Unfortunately it appears no one actually knows the words anymore. It seems like
every 3 to 5 weeks or so we are embarrassed as a nation when one of our home grown
celebrity singers forgets the words or skips ahead or just makes some shit up. So we’re going
to have a little sing a long. Repeat after me….
Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
Philip Dallmann495
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro' the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watch'd, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
…Good…Good.
Black Out.
1/4/2012 Freezer Learn
The principal is in his office.
P:
Yawning You know Marie, when it’s warm in here I get a little sleepy.
I’ve noticed.
M:
P:
Do you think that’s true everywhere for everyone?
M:
I imagine that people fall asleep a little easier when it’s warm, yes.
P:
Brilliant. How much money do you think we can save by just cutting off the heat in the
schools?
A lot. Why? It’s January…
M:
P:
Exactly. Kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Save money, keep kids awake.
Weather.com says its 23 degrees out today.
M:
P:
I can see test scores going through the roof already. Ha and people thought the governor’s
budget cuts were going to make us desperate. Lunch?
M:
…sure.
Philip Dallmann496
He goes to exit but runs back to grab his coach.
Don’t want to catch a cold.
P:
Black Out.
1/5/2012 Don’t Fall, or Fall Behind
A young woman enters. She is a ballerina. She electrifies the stage with her dance until she falls. 2 stage
hands enter but don’t help her up. Instead that move her to the side and another young woman enters and
finishes the dance. She is immediately surrounded by cameras, fans, an agent. After a moment of joyous
commotion she exits with the crowd. Left alone on stage is the first dancer who slowly but surely manages to
get back up, hobbled by an injury now. She begins the dance over again, slowly, as if relearning it.
Black Out.
1/6/2012 Untitled #16
A leaving conversation.
1:
You have to move.
I don’t want to.
You have to.
I know…I just…
2:
1:
2:
1:
It sucks.
Exactly.
2:
1:
But we knew this ya know? It’s not like this came out of nowhere.
Doesn’t make it any easier.
2:
Philip Dallmann497
1:
No but we should be prepared for this right? We knew we were going in 2 completely
different directions and this had a time limit. I have to go to school and you have to pursue
your dreams…right?
2:
…right. I just don’t think I anticipated…I don’t know…no I do know…I just…I…I didn’t
anticipate falling for you like this.
1:
Me either.
I…
Don’t. This sucks enough.
I do though.
2:
1:
2:
1:
Me too.
Glad we’re on the same page.
Just different books.
Way to commit to the metaphor.
2:
1:
2:
1:
I try.
So what do we do now?
You move and I go off to school.
2:
1:
2:
I know…I mean with us? Do we try that whole stay friends thing? Or do we just cut the
chord completely?
I don’t want you out of my life.
1:
Philip Dallmann498
2:
I don’t think I could handle you not being in my life, but I don’t know that I can be just
friends with you. I definitely couldn’t see you with someone else.
1:
If I saw you with another girl I’d cut a bitch.
Right and there’s that.
I mean we could try long distance?
2:
1:
2:
No. I’ve done it and it sucks. It’s really the worst. Besides you’re just starting at school you’re
going to be meeting all sorts of new people and new friends you don’t want to be that girl
that has a boyfriend a million miles away who you’re constantly callin or texting.
I don’t mind.
1:
2:
I do. I don’t want to take away from your experience. You don’t know it yet but…
1:
Please don’t talk down to me.
2:
I’m not. Please don’t think I am. I’ve just been there. Your first year away is an amazing
experience.
….your face is an amazing experience.
I love you.
I love you too.
1:
2:
1:
A kiss goodbye.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann499
1/7/2012 Your Mom
Kyle is shooting hoops by himself. After a moment is friend Todd runs on.
Hey man, what’s up?
Dude…your mom…
K:
T:
K:
Let me guess….Your Mama's so dumb that she got smacked by a statue.
T:
No that’s…
Yo Mama's so dumb she stole a free sample?
No I…
K:
T:
K:
I know! I know! Yo Mama's so fat that when God said "let there be light" he told your
momma to move her fat ass out of the way.
No! Man I…
T:
K:
Todd I know you’ve been working on being funny but come on…Wait. You were going to
go dirty weren’t you? Nasty ass was probably going to go with Your momma's pussy is so
hairy, when your brother was born he died of rugburn…or Yo Mama's like a mosquito, you
have to slap her to get her to stop sucking…or…
KYLE!
What?
T:
K:
T:
Your mom’s dead. She had a heart attack.
Oh….you’re still not funny.
K:
Philip Dallmann500
T:
I’m aware.
Black Out.
1/8/2011 So You’re Pregnant
A woman delivers exciting news to her longtime boyfriend.
W:
Dave…
D:
Yeah babe?
W:
I’m pregnant.
W:
No thanks.
He folds up his paper and walks out. Enter a TV Show Host and crew.
So yooooooooooou’re pregnant.
Uh huh…
Host:
W:
Host:
You have the following threeeee options. 1. Have a fancy make over by your sister, get a
new job, take on a “I can do it myself attitude” and meet the man of your dreams. 2. Move
back in with your parents and eventually deteriorate into that East Jersey style redneck. 3.
Ehhh (he pulls out a wire hanger) and you get to keep Dave…who just walked out…when
you said you were pregnant.
Well Johnny…I think…I think…
W:
Host:
Wow. You have to think about this? Shut it down guys. Shut it down. We have got to find
better people for this. You don’t see this shit on the Price is Right.
The tv crew exits. She sits down, after a moment picks up the hanger. Enter dashingly handsome man.
MOYD:
Am I late?
Philip Dallmann501
Who are you?
I’m the man of your dreams.
Oh. Nope. You’re good.
W:
MOYD:
W:
Black Out.
1/9/2012 Titus Burned The Quiche
Jimmy the groundskeeper is setting the dining table. Enter LUCIUS, MARCUS, and Goths, with
AARON prisoner
LUCIUS:
Uncle Marcus, since it is my father's mind
That I repair to Rome, I am content.
First Goth :
And ours with thine, befall what fortune will.
LUCIUS:
Good uncle, take you in this barbarous Moor,
This ravenous tiger, this accursed devil;
Let him receive no sustenance, fetter him
Till he be brought unto the empress' face,
For testimony of her foul proceedings:
And see the ambush of our friends be strong;
I fear the emperor means no good to us.
AARON:
Some devil whisper curses in mine ear,
And prompt me, that my tongue may utter forth
The venomous malice of my swelling heart!
Jimmy:
Forks on the left?
Away, inhuman dog! unhallow'd slave!
Sirs, help our uncle to convey him in.
LUCIUS:
Exeunt Goths, with AARON. Flourish within
Philip Dallmann502
Jimmy:
They’re going on the left now…
The trumpets show the emperor is at hand.
Enter SATURNINUS and TAMORA, with AEMILIUS, Tribunes, Senators, and others
SATURNINUS:
What, hath the firmament more suns than one?
What boots it thee to call thyself a sun?
LUCIUS:
MARCUS ANDRONICUS:
Rome's emperor, and nephew, break the parle;
These quarrels must be quietly debated.
The feast is ready, which the careful Titus
Hath ordain'd to an honourable end,
For peace, for love, for league, and good to Rome:
Please you, therefore, draw nigh, and take your places.
Jimmy:
We got the good china out for you guys. So no cutting on the plate. I’m not dealing with
scratched china.
Marcus, we will.
SATURNINUS:
Jimmy:
Marcus? I’m Jimmy. I’ve worked here for 37 years and you still don’t remember my name?!?!
Oh I bet we all look alike huh? I swear I oughtta…Oh…you mean him. That’s only
awkward if we let it be guys.
Hautboys sound. The Company sit down at table
Enter TITUS dressed like a Cook, LAVINIA veiled, Young LUCIUS, and others. TITUS places the
dishes on the table
TITUS ANDRONICUS:
Welcome, my gracious lord; welcome, dread queen;
Welcome, ye warlike Goths; welcome, Lucius;
And welcome, all: although the cheer be poor,
'Twill fill your stomachs; please you eat of it.
SATURNINUS:
Why art thou thus attired, Andronicus?
Philip Dallmann503
Jimmy:
Are you wearing my apron? That’s my apron.
TITUS ANDRONICUS:
Because I would be sure to have all well,
To entertain your highness and your empress.
Jimmy:
Those are not the quiches I put in the oven. Where are my quiches?
Jimmy exits.
TAMORA:
We are beholding to you, good Andronicus.
TITUS ANDRONICUS:
An if your highness knew my heart, you were.
My lord the emperor, resolve me this:
Was it well done of rash Virginius
To slay his daughter with his own right hand,
Because she was enforced, stain'd, and deflower'd?
It was, Andronicus.
Your reason, mighty lord?
SATURNINUS:
TITUS ANDRONICUS:
Jimmy:
Yep. They burned. I asked you to watch them and take them out in 15 minutes. Now we
have no quiche. We have no quiche.
SATURNINUS:
Because the girl should not survive her shame,
And by her presence still renew his sorrows.
Jimmy:
Yeah that’s it. Ignore me and we’ll just eat whatever gobbly gook you cooked up.
TITUS ANDRONICUS:
A reason mighty, strong, and effectual;
A pattern, precedent, and lively warrant,
For me, most wretched, to perform the like.
Die, die, Lavinia, and thy shame with thee;
Philip Dallmann504
Kills LAVINIA
TITUS ANDRONICUS:
And, with thy shame, thy father's sorrow die!
SATURNINUS:
What hast thou done, unnatural and unkind?
Jimmy:
Huh…you know Titus I’m sure it tastes just fine. Don’t even worry about the quiches. They
were probably going to be bad…no biggie…
TITUS ANDRONICUS:
Kill'd her, for whom my tears have made me blind.
I am as woful as Virginius was,
And have a thousand times more cause than he
To do this outrage: and it now is done.
SATURNINUS:
What, was she ravish'd? tell who did the deed.
TITUS ANDRONICUS:
Will't please you eat? will't please your
highness feed?
TAMORA:
Why hast thou slain thine only daughter thus?
Jimmy:
Just eat and ask questions later lady. He just cut a bitch.
TITUS ANDRONICUS:
Not I; 'twas Chiron and Demetrius:
They ravish'd her, and cut away her tongue;
And they, 'twas they, that did her all this wrong.
SATURNINUS:
Go fetch them hither to us presently.
TITUS ANDRONICUS:
Why, there they are both, baked in that pie;
Jimmy spit takes.
Philip Dallmann505
TITUS ANDRONICUS:
Whereof their mother daintily hath fed,
Eating the flesh that she herself hath bred.
'Tis true, 'tis true; witness my knife's sharp point.
Titus kills TAMORA
SATURNINUS:
Die, frantic wretch, for this accursed deed!
Saturninus kills TITUS
LUCIUS:
Can the son's eye behold his father bleed?
There's meed for meed, death for a deadly deed!
Lucius kills SATURNINUS. A great tumult. LUCIUS, MARCUS, and others go up into the balcony
leaving Jimmy alone at the table with dead bodies everywhere.
Jimmy:
Hm. Well…that…that was something….try and have a nice dinner for once…
He takes another bite, forgetting, and then spits it out.
Jimmy:
UGH.
He accidentally knocks off a plate.
Jimmy:
Son of a bitch. Gone and broke the china. Now I gotta clean that up. This would never have
happened if they had just got a timer for the oven and then my quiches wouldn’t have
burned and we wouldn’t have any of this strangely delicious people pie. People pie should
not taste good…
He takes another taste with his finger.
Jimmy:
Is that old bay? That man put old bay in people pie…he used my old bay! I’ma kill…oh.
Right. Hm.
He takes a look around. No one is here. He sits down and begins to eat again.
Philip Dallmann506
Jimmy:
Love me some old bay…
Black Out.
1/10/2012 We Don’t Fuck Around Airlines
A plane is preparing for take off.
Overhead:
Please turn off all electronic devices and prepare for take off.
Passenger:
Hey what would actually happen if I turned on my phone after take off?
Attendant:
We’d all crash and die.
Really?
No.
Oh. So nothing would happen?
Passenger:
Attendant:
Passenger:
Attendant:
I didn’t say that.
What would happen?
I’d slap the shit out of you.
Really?
Passenger:
Attendant:
Passenger:
Attendant:
Did I stutter?
He pulls out his phone. She raises her hand.
Just turning it off.
Passenger:
Philip Dallmann507
Attendant:
That’s what I thought…
Overhead:
Thank you for flying “We Don’t Fuck Around Airlines” Hope you enjoy your flight and we
don’t have to whoop that ass.
Black Out.
1/11/2012 What if War was like….
3 soldiers are walking on patrol in the desert. After a moment they are overtaken by insurgents. They hold
the soldiers down and give them wet willys and then run off.
I hate war.
1:
Black Out.
1/12/2012 Ring Pop Pact
A man enters a room full of boxes. Things are half packed. He walks over and throws a few more shirts into
a box. He stops when a picture on a dresser catches his eye. He approaches it with a delicate intensity. He
considers it for a moment, the joy in the faces behind the glass of the frame. This moment abruptly ends as he
hurls the picture across the room, shattering it. Anger is penetrated by regret as he goes and picks it up,
brushing off the broken glass, trying to clear the memory.
P:
Fuck you…man FUCK YOU! God damn it…I…FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!
A woman enters with a present and cupcake.
A:
Happy birthday?
Angie? What are you doing here?
P:
A:
I didn’t realize people actually talked to pictures when they weren’t on stage.
Huh? Oh. Yeah…I…
P:
A:
I’m just messing with you.
Philip Dallmann508
Right.
Nice packing job.
Going for speed over quality.
P:
A:
P:
A:
I can tell.
So…
So?
What’s up?
P:
A:
P:
A:
Oh right! Here.
She hands him the present.
A:
It’s like 3 weeks late but I figured…ya know…it’s a present and a cupcake who doesn’t want
those?
Communists.
P:
A:
Damn Cupcake Commies.
He opens the gift.
A ring pop?
P:
A:
Well?
…well?
P:
Philip Dallmann509
Are you kidding me?
…yes?...maybe?
You don’t remember.
A:
P:
A:
P:
…nah…I do…it was that thing…that one time…with the person…
A:
I can’t believe you don’t remember our agreement.
Was I drunk?
I hope not we were ten.
P:
A:
P:
When we were ten?
When we were in Mrs. James’ class….
….I got nothing.
A:
P:
A:
Danielle Stallard had just made a sign saying you were the only boy in the class she wouldn’t
marry…
I had completely blocked that out.
P:
A:
You were crying.
It was a dusty classroom…it was allergies.
You were crying. I came over and said…
P:
A:
They transport back to Mrs. James’ class.
Philip Dallmann510
Are you crying Paul?
A:
P:
…no. it’s just dusty…and her trapper keeper is furry…and…and..
Here stop crying.
A:
She hands him a tissue.
I’m not.
Listen Paul, Danielle Stallard is stupid.
P:
A:
P:
She’s really pretty.
A:
No she’s not. She’s just tall. She looks like a giraffe.
Ha.
P:
A:
Good. Moving on. You are too young to think about marriage.
P:
I know but…
I’m going to make a deal with you.
OK…
A:
P:
A:
If we both are old and not married I will marry you.
P:
Really?
A:
Yes, BUT I want to propose. I think it’s stupid that boys get to do that and girls don’t.
Philip Dallmann511
P:
OK…how old do we have to be?
Well we’ll have to be pretty old…so…27.
A:
P:
OK.
A:
Pinky Swear on it?
They pinky swear. As the pinky lock breaks we return to the present.
th
Happy 27 birthday.
A:
P:
I can’t believe you remembered that.
I can’t believe you didn’t.
…I’ve been a bit distracted.
A:
P:
He sits back down with the picture.
Paul.
Yeah?
She looks like a giraffe.
A:
P:
A:
P:
Thanks Angie.
Paul?
Yeah?
I’m really sorry.
A:
P:
A:
Philip Dallmann512
P:
For what?
A:
Not for anything…I’m just sorry that you’re hurting like this.
Thanks….the ring pop helps.
Paul?
P:
A:
P:
Yeah?
Your fly is down.
What?
Made you look.
A:
P:
A:
P:
Damn haha.
Paul?
Yeah?
Your apartment smells a little funky.
A:
P:
A:
P:
I think something might have died under that big box over there.
Paul?
Yeah?
The sky is blue.
A:
P:
A:
Philip Dallmann513
P:
You don’t say.
Paul?
Yeah?
I love you.
A:
P:
A:
P:
I love you too Angie. Ring pop?
Oh please.
A:
Black Out.
1/13/2012 Open but Closed
1 is on stage as 2 enters hesitantly.
2:
We cool?
Nah man.
Really?
Yeah. Not cool.
1:
2:
1:
2:
Fair enough.
2 exits.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann514
1/14/2012 White People Problems
Tom Sawyer and Jim are by the river.
N Word Jim, why do you think…
What did you call me?
N Word Jim?
T:
J:
T:
J:
So you stopped saying the “’N Word” but you’re still implying it?
Well I mean that’s your name.
T:
J:
No. No my name is Jim. Ya’ll people started callin my Nigga Jim. I like Jim. Hell if we want
to get formal about it I’ll take James even.
But I like N Word Jim.
Ok, Cracka Tom.
T:
J:
T:
Oh….cool I always wanted a nickname. No one ever gave me one. Thanks N Word Jim.
…white people problems.
J:
Black Out.
1/15/2012 Stream Instantly
A men’s bathroom. A man enters and goes to the urinal. After a brief moment another man enters. Instead
of going every other he chooses the urinal directly next to the first man.
Hey. How’s it going?
2:
1:
Uh…fine.
Philip Dallmann515
2:
See the game last night?
1:
Huh?
2:
The Yankees game? That was a crazy 9 inning huh?
th
1:
Uh…yeah...sure.
2:
You know if you don’t keep a steady stream you should get your prostate checked.
1:
What?
2:
I’m noticing a lot of stop starting over there. That can be that old prostate. I mean you’re
about 40 right?
1:
28.
2:
Oh. Well…maybe your stream just has a stutter. Eh? Eh? No? All right well I’ll see you at
the meeting.
The 2nd man pats the first on the back before zipping up and exiting without washing.
Black Out.
1/16/2012 Accounts Frozen
A man in his 60s enters with the mail. His wife is knitting connected to an IV.
W:
Anything good?
Bills.
Oh.
Nothing we can’t handle.
M:
W:
M:
Philip Dallmann516
He sits down and begins to write checks. As he writes checks more letters come through the mail slot.
Harry…
Yes sweet heart?
W:
M:
W:
Are those all bills?
M:
Don’t worry sweet heart…nothing we can’t handle….you just rest.
W:
OK
He continues to write checks as EMTs come and take his wife away, Mourners pass through, the funeral
director hands him another bill. The phone rings continuously only stopping to play the message
Answering Machine:
Mr. Jennings this PSE&G with a final notice call. Our records indicate that your account is
120 days past due. Your power will be shut off if cash payment is not made with in…
It repeats and overlaps with other companies such as cable, water, etc.
The TV goes off, the lights flicker, the heat goes out. The man slowly stops writing as the cold sets in. The
house freezes over. The EMTs return and take him away. Men in suits collect the checks. One grabs the
quilt the woman had been knitting on the way out.
Black Out.
1/17/2012 Oh Captain, My Captain…Can I get some of that Sandwich?
We hear the creak of a ship hitting land.
O/S:
Abandon Ship, Abandon Ship, Abandon Ship.
We hear crowds of people getting in life boats and the splash of those boats. As lights come up we see the
captain, by himself, in a life boat with a radio.
Captain Henry?
Yes?
R:
CH:
Philip Dallmann517
R:
You must return to the ship. You have abandoned ship without all of your passengers.
No thank you.
CH:
R:
Sir, You must return to the ship. You can’t leave passengers stranded.
It’s not that far of a swim.
CH:
R:
Sir.
I have a very important question.
Ok.
CH:
R:
CH:
Can I get FM radio on this thing or do I only get to hear you?
R:
You will be charged with manslaughter and abandonment if anyone dies.
I didn’t kill anyone.
But you left them to die.
Not the same.
CH:
R:
CH:
R:
Do you have ANYONE with you?
No. Just me and my sandwich.
You have a sandwich?
CH:
R:
CH:
Yes and you may not have any Mr. Radio Man.
Philip Dallmann518
R:
You saved a sandwich?
It’s tuna salad what was I supposed to do?
Avoid manslaughter by saving a passenger.
CH:
R:
CH:
You just want some of the sandwich Mr. Radio Man.
R:
No I don’t.
You may not have any.
CH:
R:
Great. Listen you are liable for manslaughter…
CH:
The only thing I killed was the crust off this sandwich.
R:
According to the law…
Well I’m the captain and I declare sea law.
That’s not a thing.
CH:
R:
CH:
I’m the captain and you sir are my radio passenger therefore it is a thing.
R:
No…
And so are mermaids.
Captain, Mermaids do not exis…
I SEEN ONE!
CH:
R:
CH:
Philip Dallmann519
R:
No
CH:
DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT I’VE SEEN MR RADIO! I’M THE CAPTAIN.
R:
Ok, Ok. If I admit mermaids exist will you return to the ship?
Maybe.
CH:
R:
Mermaids exist.
CH:
A HA! I knew it. If the radio man agrees it’s definitely true.
Now will you return to the ship?
No thank you.
R:
CH:
R:
But you said.
CH:
Maybe and then I politely said no thank you. I will take my rescue copter now please.
We hear the radio go out.
CH:
Hello? Hello? Goodbye Mr. Radio Man there is only enough tuna salad for one of us.
He tosses the radio overboard. He pulls out a sandwich.
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann520
1/18/2012 Crusty Mouth
2 friends in the work cafeteria.
Susan:
Did you see Mark at the meeting today? I swear I just wanted to jump his bones in the
middle of that power point.
Susan.
Martha:
Susan:
I’m sorry but he is gorgeous. You can see his pecs through his suit. THROUGH HIS SUIT.
Martha:
I know I know. It’s a shame he has crusty mouth.
Susan:
What?
He has crusty mouth.
What the hell is crusty mouth?
Martha:
Susan:
Martha:
You know? When you have all the gunk in the side of your mouth all the time, lookin all
crusty and what not.
I do not know.
Susan:
Martha:
It’s like left over powder donut…but gross.
Susan:
I don’t think he has crusty mouth or whatever.
Mark enters.
Mark:
Hey Susan!
Mark.
Susan:
Philip Dallmann521
Mark:
Hey I was wondering if you wanted to get together after work today and go over some of
those numbers for the health budget for next quarter?
No response as Susan just stares at him.
Mark:
Susan? Hello?
Susan gets up and packs up her lunch, goes to exit before turning back to Martha.
Susan:
I hate you for this.
She storms out.
Mark:
What just happened?
Martha:
You got a little somethin right….to the left…your other left…never mind.
Black Out.
1/19/2012 Bob and Weave or Play #365
Jimmy the Janitor is dusting a room. Enter KATHARINA and BIANCA
BIANCA:
Good sister, wrong me not, nor wrong yourself,
To make a bondmaid and a slave of me;
That I disdain: but for these other gawds,
Unbind my hands, I'll pull them off myself,
Yea, all my raiment, to my petticoat;
Or what you will command me will I do,
So well I know my duty to my elders.
KATHARINA:
Of all thy suitors, here I charge thee, tell
Whom thou lovest best: see thou dissemble not.
BIANCA:
Believe me, sister, of all the men alive
I never yet beheld that special face
Which I could fancy more than any other.
Philip Dallmann522
Minion, thou liest. Is't not Hortensio?
KATHARINA:
BIANCA:
If you affect him, sister, here I swear
I'll plead for you myself, but you shall have
him.
KATHARINA:
O then, belike, you fancy riches more:
You will have Gremio to keep you fair.
BIANCA:
Is it for him you do envy me so?
Nay then you jest, and now I well perceive
You have but jested with me all this while:
I prithee, sister Kate, untie my hands.
Did she just call you a gold digger?
Jimmy:
KATHARINA:
If that be jest, then all the rest was so.
Kate Strikes her
Jimmy:
Hit her with your left…bob and weave…come on now.
Enter BAPTISTA
BAPTISTA:
Why, how now, dame! whence grows this insolence?
Bianca, stand aside. Poor girl! she weeps.
Go ply thy needle; meddle not with her.
Jimmy:
I’m not going to say who started it but… (points at Katharina)
BAPTISTA:
For shame, thou helding of a devilish spirit,
Why dost thou wrong her that did ne'er wrong thee?
When did she cross thee with a bitter word?
Philip Dallmann523
KATHARINA:
Her silence flouts me, and I'll be revenged.
Kate Flies after BIANCA
Jimmy:
Damn you betta watch yourself Bianca. This woman is kind of dysfunctional.
What, in my sight? Bianca, get thee in.
BAPTISTA:
Exit BIANCA
KATHARINA:
What, will you not suffer me? Nay, now I see
She is your treasure, she must have a husband;
I must dance bare-foot on her wedding day
And for your love to her lead apes in hell.
Talk not to me: I will go sit and weep
Till I can find occasion of revenge.
Kate Exits
Jimmy:
You don’t have these kind of problems with sons…No rushing to get them married…they
just go out and get something pregnant and you make do.
Was ever gentleman thus grieved as I?
But who comes here?
BAPTISTA:
Enter GREMIO, LUCENTIO in the habit of a mean man; PETRUCHIO, with HORTENSIO as
a musician; and TRANIO, with BIONDELLO bearing a lute and books
Good morrow, neighbour Baptista.
GREMIO:
BAPTISTA:
Good morrow, neighbour Gremio.
God save you, gentlemen!
PETRUCHIO:
And you, good sir! Pray, have you not a daughter
Call'd Katharina, fair and virtuous?
Philip Dallmann524
I have a daughter, sir, called Katharina.
BAPTISTA:
Jimmy:
She favors her left so just duck and come with your right.
You are too blunt: go to it orderly.
GREMIO:
PETRUCHIO:
You wrong me, Signior Gremio: give me leave.
I am a gentleman of Verona, sir,
That, hearing of her beauty and her wit,
Her affability and bashful modesty,
Her wondrous qualities and mild behavior,
We talkin bout the same woman?
Jimmy:
PETRUCHIO:
Am bold to show myself a forward guest
Within your house, to make mine eye the witness
Of that report which I so oft have heard.
And, for an entrance to my entertainment,
I do present you with a man of mine,
Presenting HORTENSIO
Cunning in music and the mathematics,
To instruct her fully in those sciences,
Whereof I know she is not ignorant:
Accept of him, or else you do me wrong:
His name is Licio, born in Mantua.
Jimmy:
What kind of music? You young folks don’t know good music anymore. Used to be just a
man and his lute was all ya needed.
BAPTISTA:
You're welcome, sir; and he, for your good sake.
But for my daughter Katharina, this I know,
She is not for your turn, the more my grief.
PETRUCHIO:
I see you do not mean to part with her,
Or else you like not of my company.
Philip Dallmann525
Jimmy:
Oh he means to part with her. That’s for damn sure.
BAPTISTA:
Mistake me not; I speak but as I find.
Whence are you, sir? what may I call your name?
PETRUCHIO:
Petruchio is my name; Antonio's son,
A man well known throughout all Italy.
BAPTISTA:
I know him well: you are welcome for his sake.
GREMIO:
Saving your tale, Petruchio, I pray,
Let us, that are poor petitioners, speak too:
Baccare! you are marvellous forward.
PETRUCHIO:
O, pardon me, Signior Gremio; I would fain be doing.
GREMIO:
I doubt it not, sir; but you will curse your
wooing. Neighbour, this is a gift very grateful, I am
sure of it. To express the like kindness, myself,
that have been more kindly beholding to you than
any, freely give unto you this young scholar,
Presenting LUCENTIO
that hath been long studying at Rheims; as cunning
in Greek, Latin, and other languages, as the other
in music and mathematics: his name is Cambio; pray,
accept his service.
A thousand thanks, Signior Gremio.
Welcome, good Cambio.
BAPTISTA:
To TRANIO
But, gentle sir, methinks you walk like a stranger:
may I be so bold to know the cause of your coming?
Philip Dallmann526
TRANIO:
Pardon me, sir, the boldness is mine own,
That, being a stranger in this city here,
Do make myself a suitor to your daughter,
Unto Bianca, fair and virtuous.
Nor is your firm resolve unknown to me,
In the preferment of the eldest sister.
This liberty is all that I request,
That, upon knowledge of my parentage,
I may have welcome 'mongst the rest that woo
And free access and favour as the rest:
And, toward the education of your daughters,
I here bestow a simple instrument,
And this small packet of Greek and Latin books:
If you accept them, then their worth is great.
BAPTISTA:
Lucentio is your name; of whence, I pray?
Of Pisa, sir; son to Vincentio.
TRANIO:
Jimmy:
See what’d I tell you. Look at these boys all well put together actin civilized and such…if you
had had sons…
BAPTISTA:
A mighty man of Pisa; by report
I know him well: you are very welcome, sir,
Take you the lute, and you the set of books;
You shall go see your pupils presently.
Holla, within!
Enter a Servant
Sirrah, lead these gentlemen
To my daughters; and tell them both,
These are their tutors: bid them use them well.
Exit Servant, with LUCENTIO and HORTENSIO, BIONDELLO following
We will go walk a little in the orchard,
And then to dinner. You are passing welcome,
And so I pray you all to think yourselves.
Philip Dallmann527
PETRUCHIO:
Signior Baptista, my business asketh haste,
And every day I cannot come to woo.
You knew my father well, and in him me,
Left solely heir to all his lands and goods,
Which I have better'd rather than decreased:
Then tell me, if I get your daughter's love,
What dowry shall I have with her to wife?
Jimmy:
Wow. Ballsy to go right for the cash. Ballsy. I like it though. You gonna need good health
insurance with that one.
BAPTISTA:
After my death the one half of my lands,
And in possession twenty thousand crowns.
Jimmy:
And you’re paying me what to clean this place?
PETRUCHIO:
And, for that dowry, I'll assure her of
Her widowhood, be it that she survive me,
In all my lands and leases whatsoever:
Let specialties be therefore drawn between us,
That covenants may be kept on either hand.
Jimmy:
She will outlive you don’t you worry…sleeps upside down if you know what I mean.
BAPTISTA:
Ay, when the special thing is well obtain'd,
That is, her love; for that is all in all.
PETRUCHIO:
Why, that is nothing: for I tell you, father,
I am as peremptory as she proud-minded;
And where two raging fires meet together
They do consume the thing that feeds their fury:
Though little fire grows great with little wind,
Yet extreme gusts will blow out fire and all:
So I to her and so she yields to me;
For I am rough and woo not like a babe.
Jimmy:
She’s not supposed to be around fire anymore…not after we gave her that puppy…
Philip Dallmann528
BAPTISTA:
Well mayst thou woo, and happy be thy speed!
But be thou arm'd for some unhappy words.
PETRUCHIO:
Ay, to the proof; as mountains are for winds,
That shake not, though they blow perpetually.
Re-enter HORTENSIO, with his head broke
BAPTISTA:
How now, my friend! why dost thou look so pale?
For fear, I promise you, if I look pale.
HORTENSIO:
BAPTISTA:
What, will my daughter prove a good musician?
HORTENSIO:
I think she'll sooner prove a soldier
Iron may hold with her, but never lutes.
Jimmy:
He clearly wasn’t listening. Bob and Weave boy. You can see she caught him right in the
mouth. You better think of a better story than a 100 pound white girl slapped the taste out
of my mouth to explain that fat lip.
BAPTISTA:
Why, then thou canst not break her to the lute?
HORTENSIO
Why, no; for she hath broke the lute to me.
I did but tell her she mistook her frets,
And bow'd her hand to teach her fingering;
When, with a most impatient devilish spirit,
'Frets, call you these?' quoth she; 'I'll fume
with them:'
And, with that word, she struck me on the head,
And through the instrument my pate made way;
And there I stood amazed for a while,
As on a pillory, looking through the lute;
While she did call me rascal fiddler
Philip Dallmann529
And twangling Jack; with twenty such vile terms,
As had she studied to misuse me so.
Jimmy:
It’d be great if we could send her a tutor who wasn’t such a little bitch…I mean what? Who
said that? There is some crazy wind in here…ghosts…
PETRUCHIO:
Now, by the world, it is a lusty wench;
I love her ten times more than e'er I did:
O, how I long to have some chat with her!
BAPTISTA
Well, go with me and be not so discomfited:
Proceed in practise with my younger daughter;
She's apt to learn and thankful for good turns.
Signior Petruchio, will you go with us,
Or shall I send my daughter Kate to you?
I pray you do.
PETRUCHIO
Exeunt all but PETRUCHIO and Jimmy.
Jimmy:
I got your back don’t worry. If she starts swingin I’ll go for her knees.
PETRUCHIO:
I will attend her here,
And woo her with some spirit when she comes.
Say that she rail; why then I'll tell her plain
She sings as sweetly as a nightingale:
Say that she frown, I'll say she looks as clear
As morning roses newly wash'd with dew:
Say she be mute and will not speak a word;
Then I'll commend her volubility,
And say she uttereth piercing eloquence:
If she do bid me pack, I'll give her thanks,
As though she bid me stay by her a week:
If she deny to wed, I'll crave the day
When I shall ask the banns and when be married.
But here she comes; and now, Petruchio, speak.
Enter KATHARINA
Good morrow, Kate; for that's your name, I hear.
Philip Dallmann530
KATHARINA
Well have you heard, but something hard of hearing:
They call me Katharina that do talk of me.
PETRUCHIO
You lie, in faith; for you are call'd plain Kate,
And bonny Kate and sometimes Kate the curst;
But Kate, the prettiest Kate in Christendom
Kate of Kate Hall, my super-dainty Kate,
For dainties are all Kates, and therefore, Kate,
Take this of me, Kate of my consolation;
Hearing thy mildness praised in every town,
Thy virtues spoke of, and thy beauty sounded,
Yet not so deeply as to thee belongs,
Myself am moved to woo thee for my wife.
Jimmy:
Aw Damn…it was nice knowin you man.
KATHARINA
Moved! in good time: let him that moved you hither
Remove you hence: I knew you at the first
You were a moveable.
PETRUCHIO
Why, what's a moveable?
A join'd-stool.
Thou hast hit it: come, sit on me.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
KATHARINA
Asses are made to bear, and so are you.
PETRUCHIO
Women are made to bear, and so are you.
Oh no he didn’t.
No such jade as you, if me you mean.
Jimmy:
KATHARINA
Philip Dallmann531
PETRUCHIO
Alas! good Kate, I will not burden thee;
For, knowing thee to be but young and light-KATHARINA
Too light for such a swain as you to catch;
And yet as heavy as my weight should be.
Should be! should--buzz!
PETRUCHIO
Jimmy:
He just called you fat. You have my permission to knock his ass out.
Well ta'en, and like a buzzard.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
O slow-wing'd turtle! shall a buzzard take thee?
Ay, for a turtle, as he takes a buzzard.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Come, come, you wasp; i' faith, you are too angry.
If I be waspish, best beware my sting.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
My remedy is then, to pluck it out.
Jimmy:
I should probably not overanalyze why the whole wasp plucking thing turned me on a little
right?
KATHARINA
Ay, if the fool could find it where it lies,
Who knows not where a wasp does
wear his sting? In his tail.
In his tongue.
Whose tongue?
PETRUCHIO
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Philip Dallmann532
Jimmy:
My tongue! Wait. I lost the metaphor somewhere.
KATHARINA
Yours, if you talk of tails: and so farewell.
PETRUCHIO
What, with my tongue in your tail? nay, come again,
Good Kate; I am a gentleman.
That I'll try.
KATHARINA
She strikes him
BOB AND WEAVE!
I swear I'll cuff you, if you strike again.
Jimmy:
PETRUCHIO
KATHARINA
So may you lose your arms:
If you strike me, you are no gentleman;
And if no gentleman, why then no arms.
PETRUCHIO
A herald, Kate? O, put me in thy books!
What is your crest? a coxcomb?
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
A combless cock, so Kate will be my hen.
KATHARINA
No cock of mine; you crow too like a craven.
PETRUCHIO
Nay, come, Kate, come; you must not look so sour.
Jimmy:
That’s just her face…it just kind of does that.
Philip Dallmann533
It is my fashion, when I see a crab.
Who has crabs?
KATHARINA
Jimmy:
PETRUCHIO
Why, here's no crab; and therefore look not sour.
Jimmy:
I got a cream for that.
There is, there is.
Then show it me.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Jimmy:
I don’t need to see nothin. I’m too old for that you show me yours I’ll show you mine stuff.
KATHARINA
Had I a glass, I would.
What, you mean my face?
Well aim'd of such a young one.
PETRUCHIO
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Now, by Saint George, I am too young for you.
Jimmy:
How old are you? You Italian (pr. EYE-Talian) folks I can’t never tell your age.
Yet you are wither'd.
'Tis with cares.
I care not.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
KATHARINA
Jimmy:
That’s true. She would not sign the Get Well card I got last week for Mary who lost her
arm…bear bit it off…nice stump though…as far as stumps go that is.
Philip Dallmann534
PETRUCHIO
Nay, hear you, Kate: in sooth you scape not so.
I chafe you, if I tarry: let me go.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
No, not a whit: I find you passing gentle.
'Twas told me you were rough and coy and sullen,
And now I find report a very liar;
For thou are pleasant, gamesome, passing courteous,
But slow in speech, yet sweet as spring-time flowers:
Thou canst not frown, thou canst not look askance,
Nor bite the lip, as angry wenches will,
Nor hast thou pleasure to be cross in talk,
But thou with mildness entertain'st thy wooers,
With gentle conference, soft and affable.
Why does the world report that Kate doth limp?
O slanderous world! Kate like the hazel-twig
Is straight and slender and as brown in hue
As hazel nuts and sweeter than the kernels.
O, let me see thee walk: thou dost not halt.
KATHARINA
Go, fool, and whom thou keep'st command.
PETRUCHIO
Did ever Dian so become a grove
As Kate this chamber with her princely gait?
O, be thou Dian, and let her be Kate;
And then let Kate be chaste and Dian sportful!
KATHARINA
Where did you study all this goodly speech?
PETRUCHIO
It is extempore, from my mother-wit.
A witty mother! witless else her son.
KATHARINA
Now let’s not bring mommas into this.
Jimmy:
PETRUCHIO
Am I not wise?
Philip Dallmann535
Yes; keep you warm.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Marry, so I mean, sweet Katharina, in thy bed:
And therefore, setting all this chat aside,
Thus in plain terms: your father hath consented
That you shall be my wife; your dowry 'greed on;
And, Will you, nill you, I will marry you.
Now, Kate, I am a husband for your turn;
For, by this light, whereby I see thy beauty,
Thy beauty, that doth make me like thee well,
Thou must be married to no man but me;
For I am he am born to tame you Kate,
And bring you from a wild Kate to a Kate
Conformable as other household Kates.
Here comes your father: never make denial;
I must and will have Katharina to my wife.
Kate storms out.
Jimmy:
Good luck with that. Bitches? Am I right?
Petruchio exits. The Writer enters.
And Black Ou…
Writer:
Suzan Lori Parks enters.
Writer:
Suzan? I didn’t think you’d show up for the last play. Especially given your history with
Jimmy here but I’m so glad you did.
She walks up to him to shake his hand…and proceeds to completely play him out and walk right past.
SLP:
Call me when you do something actually notable, like winning a Pulitzer Prize.
She exits.
Bitches? Am I right?
Jimmy:
Writer:
Black Out.
Philip Dallmann536
Black Out.
End of Plays.
Writer:
End of Plays.