cameron diaz farted

Forecast: Cloudy With a Chance of Santa!
VOLUME 10, ISSUE 4
DECEMBER 10, 2013
One Student at Wash U Totally Not
Even Stressed Right Now
PRICE: Your Two Front Teeth
Buried
WUnderground
Penis Monologues a Giant
Flop
page X
New Woman and Gender
Studies Building Keeps Name
page 9
Snowden: NSA Reporting
Course Evals to Your Professor
C
iting a particularly
laid-back
Thanksgiving break, Wash U
Sophomore Becky Gillmore has
stated that she is completely not
stressed about her six upcoming
finals and her research paper on
the metaphysics of feminism,
all due within the next week, by
9 PM EST, no later.
“I’ve seen a lot of stressed
students around campus now
that finals are here,” Gillmore
stated. “For example, my roommate Kelly ripped out her last
two clumps of hair last night
over her physics problem set.
I’m totally chill, though. I’m
not stressed at all,” Gillmore
explained while biting her nails
and sweating profusely.
During finals week last
year, Gillmore reports being in
a markedly less calm state of
mind than she is now.
“Yeah, that’s true. I think last
year was worse,” remarked Gill-
more’s roommate. “Last year,
she talked to herself constantly
in her sleep about like equations
and formulas and hydrochloric
acid…sometimes she wet the
bed. It was a bad situation,”
Gillmore concluded quickly, as
she had to get back to studying
and could not talk long.
This year, however, Gillmore reports that her only signs
of stress are a couple of small
stomach ulcers, which she says
she has been able to keep under
control thanks to a diet rich in
pepto bismol and things she gets
out of the Whispers vending
machine, where she happens to
be all of the time.
“Yeah, stressed? Me? Psh,
fuck that,” Gillmore said. “You
know what, my mom sent me a
care package last week to help
me stay calm, but I lit it on fire.
I don’t need a care package.
That’s how not stressed I am.”
Gillmore reports having so
much free time this finals period
that she would really appreciate
it if someone could help her find
some new hobbies. In the past,
Gillmore has enjoyed knitting,
but is really in search of something new and exciting, maybe
archery! Or studying! Wait, no,
not studying.
Gilmore went on to explain
just how relaxed she was in
the midst of all the tension on
campus. “I saw stressbusters
the other day when I was going
to the bathroom. Walked right
by ‘em,” she said with a grin.
As of press time, Gillmore
has two finals down, and is
so not stressed about her last
paper that she reports being
certain that she will have some
time to sleep tonight. Or if not
tonight, then maybe tomorrow.
Or the next night. She has lots
of caffeine pills just in case.
Wash U Bubble Enhanced to Defend
Against Cameron Diaz and Her Troupe of
Deadly Tomatoes
WashU’s bubble, infamous
for its impenetrability, opaqueness, and ignorant students,
will be reinforced starting
Tuesday as quickly as possible
in response to rumors of an
impending tomato attack led by
the celebrity Cameron Diaz.
“Yeah, I hear she’s coming.
And she’s bringing lots of
overripe tomatoes,” explained
William Gothem, a tour guide
who maintains a special appre-
ciation for WashU’s unmatched
architecture and great campus
food, and mostly the bubble
that encases it all.
“Who knows what she’ll
do with those tomatoes. Pretty
strange weapon choice. I was a
bit surprised to hear that… But
anyway, maybe she’ll boil ‘em…
and chuck them everywhere!
Or maybe just sautée them with
peas and onions, and drizzle
them on the sidewalks, like that
one delicious comfort station
meal at Bear’s Den! Mmm, so
good. See, we just have so much
great stuff here. We can’t let a
threat even as big and blonde as
Cameron bring us down!”
With so much at stake,
concerns over students’ safety
have prompted the administration into action.
“Usually, the bubble acts to
keep students in, and shelter
Continued on page 3
page Z7
Citing Holiday Cheer,
Students Offer Gourmet DUC
Soup Samples Back to the
Community
page 35
Student’s Fascinating
Observation “This Semester
Sure Went by Fast!” Spurs
Philosophical Debate
page C
New Study Shows You
Have a Nice Ass
page IV
VOLUME 10, ISSUE 4
DECEMBER, 10 2013
Area Man Who Never Saw ‘The Hunger
Games’ Explains ‘Catching Fire’ to a Friend
Admitting that he had neither
seen nor read the first installment
of “The Hunger Games” trilogy,
area man Joshua Hudson nonetheless interpreted the film “Catching
Fire” for his buddy, Sam Powers.
According to Powers, Hudson’s interpretation turned out to be totally
useless and confusing, as well as
mildly disturbing and a thorough
waste of fifteen minutes.
“Well, it’s in the future,” Hudson
began, “except people started
hunting again with bows-andarrows for some reason. And
everyone is always killing each
other, or they’re getting killed by
something like Star Wars Stormtroopers impersonators. The deaths
happen all the time and you never
expect them.”
Hudson continued to explain
to his friend how in this modern
post-apocalyptic world, people were
pretty much the same, and wore
normal clothes and hugged and
made-out and stuff. Except if you
put up three fingers, there is a good
chance you will be publicly beaten
and violently murdered.
“What the fuck?” Hudson’s
friend Sam Powers asked. “So you
put up three fingers, and then you
get beaten to death? How is anyone
supposed to see that coming? That’s
not normal for a chick flick,” Powers
wondered.
“Yeah, yeah, just hear me out,”
Hudson continued to his friend,
who he described as kind of dumb
anyway, and to whom he always has
to explain things in great, simplistic
detail. “So then, in between the mass
murders, they cut to this ‘Access
WUnderground is WashU’s
premier [only] satirical
newspaper and should be
taken about as seriously as
the Wash U football team’s
playoff run. However, the news
reported by this paper
is completely fictitious,
at least to our knowledge.
Any resemblance to persons
living, ailing or dead is
entirely intentional.
Chiefs of Staff
Corie Miller
President
A “Catching Fire” character whom Hudson described as an “err, pageant mom with
yellow teeth?”
Hollywood’-esque reality show
where everyone seems super excited
about the killings. But it’s totally
chill! The host is always laughing
and stuff. His teeth are so white...”
Despite his confident recap
of the film, Hudson struggled to
adequately describe the character of
Haymitch Abernathy to his friend,
unsure of whether Abernathy
looked more like Owen Wilson or
Kurt Cobain.
“Well, honestly, it was bugging
me for like 15 minutes after I first
saw him. When he turned left he
definitely looked like Owen, but in
dark lighting he was an obvious
Cobain. I still can’t tell you for
sure. But he’s an alcoholic. And the
unsuspecting leader of a revolution
to overthrow government leaders
who wear too much hairspray. That
I know.”
Despite Hudson’s specific recollections of the film, Powers was
particularly confused by Hudson’s
attempt to compare the “games” to
something Powers could understand,
justifying them as “a cross between
Nickelodeon’s Guts, Legends of the
Hidden Temple (without that talking
rock), Wipeout, Avatar, and the
Jungle Book. And Twilight. Without
vampires--except, wait, there might
have been vampires. But if there were,
they were definitely minor characters.”
Sources close to Hudson indicate
that he is super excited about the third
installment of the film, since he feels
like the trilogy hits home on a lot of
themes relevant to real life. Hudson
encourages anyone with questions
about the film to come to him before
checking out IMDB, as their synopsis
seems to be a bit off.
Area Old Man Prepared to Die Some Time this
Week
After living a full life, Harold
Paulson, area old man, is officially
prepared to die at some point next
week.
“Well, you know, Gerry passed
on last week,” Paulson recounted
while liberally applying Vaseline to
WUnderground
his cracked elbows. “So I guess that
means I’m out of a Tuesday night
bridge partner... and a will to live.”
Paulson explained to reporters
that he had a “gut feeling” that this
week was the week that his life
would finally come to an end.
“There was one time last February
that I thought it was my time to go,
but that ended up just being heartburn from eating an expired can of
baked beans,” Paulson began, seemingly unaffected by his imminent
demise, cataracts, and the musty
smell emanating from his living
room. “I thought those things lasted
forever! Turns out I bought them at
the local mart back in 1953, and they
don’t age as well as I do, if you know
what I’m saying!” Paulson finished
with a wink, which was weighed
down by his crusty eyelids.
Paulson showed WUnderground
reporters around his house, pointing
out the suit he would like to be buried
in and the bed where he reckoned he
would have a heart attack in his sleep
sometime next week.
Paulson also recounted being
alive for the great stock market crash,
the births of ten grandchildren,
and the time when racism was still
socially acceptable. After recounting
what life was like during Coolidge’s
presidency, Paulson paused to wipe
a layer of dust off his wrinkly face,
and then keeled over peacefully.
Whitney Mann
Editor in Chief
Staff
Nate Blecher
Sam Blumkin
Thomas Cochran
Callan Coghlan
Jamie Gerber
Anat Gross
Clayton Klein
J.P. Liebenson
Alix Marson
Andrew Miller
Lauren Paley
Brian Ross
Rosie Shanley
Kimball Slade
Jordan Siff
Mac Slone
Ryan Thier
Juliet Zirn
We are always recruiting new
members. If you would like to
write, edit, doodle, spellczech,
or build gingerbread houses,
email us at: wunderground@
su.wustl.edu, and join our
facebook group.
ISSN # 1938-0089
wunderground.wustl.edu
VOLUME 10, ISSUE 4
DECEMBER 10, 2013
Wrong-Un is a puppet and a figurehead. Wrighton is a figure with a puppet head.
Wrighton works to suppress racially charged
issues with the Mosaic Project.
Wrong-Un suppresses all issues with scare
tactics, an armed militia, and total denial of
human rights.
Wash U Bubble Enhanced to Report: Everyone in This Room
Defend Continued
Knows You Just Farted
them from the harsh realities
apparent on the streets of St. Louis.
But when we received word that a
famous raging bitch is threatening
to attack our beautiful university with dirty tomatoes, we must
not take it lightly,” Chancellor
Wrighton stoically remarked.
Although the idea of an attack
seems undeniably impossible,
Chancellor Wrighton and the
administration affirm that you can
never be too careful when it comes
to the strength of the bubble.
“We haven’t seen a lot of
movies from her lately. So it makes
sense that she’s been preparing for
an attack,” explained film and media
studies major, Derek Trench.
“If Cameron comes, we’ll definitely know,” says Pam Middleton.
“I haven’t seen a blonde here since
2010.”
Citing the fragility of an invisible bubble, students are renewing
their efforts to stay precisely within
the confines of Skinker, Forsyth,
Forest Park Parkway, and Big Bend.
Any new information or unattended
tomatoes should be immediately
reported to the nearest authority
figure.
Point
Reports from the room you
are sitting in right now have just
confirmed your biggest fear:
everyone around you knows you
just farted.
It’s understandable that you
thought your guilt could be
covered up by the dozens of people
surrounding you who also could
easily have been responsible for the
fart, but you were wrong. Literally
everyone can tell it was you.
Considering your proximity to
notorious farter, Jimmy Evans, it is
really unfortunate that you could
not get away with the fart in this
circumstance.
You may have been fooled by
the complete silence of your fart,
but it actually spread across a 3
meter radius around your location.
Everyone can tell it was you. That
one guy, who just turned around
and glared at you-- it’s because your
fart just reached him. Avoid eye
contact with said guy; look away.
At this point, it is probably
in your best interests to leave the
room now. Honestly, as quickly as
possible. People are really disgusted
and annoyed with you. Get out
while you can. Godspeed.
Counter-Point
“Evidence Suggests Shakespeare May Have Been Gay.”
“Your Mom is Gay.”
by Theodore von Hamburgué,
Ph.D. in Shakespearean Studies
by William Shakespeare, widely
regarded as the greatest writer in
the English language
A growing collection of 17th century the subject of homosexuality. In his
English literature historians are starting play, Troilus and Cressida, Shakespeare
to suspect that the great William Shake- strongly condemns the gay relationships
speare may have been a homosexual. of the hero Achilles. Here one might
Clues in many of his works suggest he invoke one of the Bard’s famous lines:
may have been writing romantically “the lady doth protest too much, methinks.”
to other men. For example, Sonnet 126 Was this lashing out a sign of repressed
begins “O thou, my lovely boy,” clearly homosexual attraction? Scholars may
addressed to a young man. Additionally, never know the truth, but the available
Shakespeare forbade women from partic- evidence seems to strongly suggest the
ipating in his plays, and cross-dressed to legendary dramatist was in fact a lover of
men.
play the female parts himself.
Another curious detail is Shakespeare’s only surviving work regarding
Dost thee not see thine mother is a gay?
Her quim aquiver at the sight of girls,
She doth fuck oth’r women night and day;
In flaming protest her own brassiere twirls,
She dost not liketh penis big ‘r small,
She dost not liketh penis when in bed,
She dost not liketh penis, nay at all;
Least dost she liketh penis near her head,
However, I, thou must admit, like men,
And can’t see what she doth’n’t love ‘bout dicks
With noble girth and their plent’ful semen,
‘tis certain, an advantage over chicks;
These things I hath said, they all were in jest
I like vaginas, and so doth your mom.
VOLUME 10, ISSUE 4
DECEMBER 10, 2013
The Do’s and Dont’s of Claiming a Cubicle
in the Library
Top 10...
Worst Super Powers
10.
9.
8.
DO
DON’T
1. Leave wet red paint on the chair if you get up.
Then, if you see someone with a red butt, you
know they tried to steal your seat. Spank them
as punishment.
1. Ask the guy next to you to “watch your stuff.”
They are a stranger, and you shouldn’t talk to
strangers. Strangers steal stuff.
2. Bring Pez candies to sell as Vyvanse, Adderall,
and Ritalin to your desperate, sleep-deprived
peers. You’ll make lots of money and can negotiate for a cubicle on the third floor, if you’re
lucky.
3. Wear a banana suit and eat an apple. The
noise of apple crunching will really piss off the
people around you, they will leave, and you will
have spots free for your friends. The banana suit
will provide comic relief to yourself and others.
2. Get up to use the bathroom. Instead, urinate
in the cubicle. The scent will mark your territory
for the next few hours, and you won’t lose any
time going to the bathroom.
3. Pour glue on the wood desk and then fall
asleep. Your face will stick to it.
Reasons We’re Feeling Awkward
24% - Nobody told me I had
ground beef in my hair
15% - Gave birth during final exam
39% - My lips are super chapped
Flight While Naked.
Has Four Extra Teeth.
Emits a Bright Light from
Whole Body During Awkward
Social Interactions.
7.
Telepathy with a Rural
Chinese Farmer named 农民.
6.
Incredibly Hairy Tongue.
5.
Can Get What You Want for
as Long as You Can Hold Your
Breath.
4.
Ability to Accurately Predict
Weight of Pregnant Women.
3.
Can Digest Anything except
Gluten, Dairy, and Oreos.
2.
Invisibility While Nobody is
Looking.
1.
Can Speak to Herpes.
41% - Called professor “mom”
7% - I always feel awkward when
they serve Gnocchi Putanesca at
the DUC
What Do You Think?
Yo, I heard Harry’s is the move tonight. What Do You Think?
Karina Lewis
Sorority Girl, So Sick of the Row
“Oooo! I love Harry’s. I
just really wanna dance
tonight!”
George Washington
Porn Addict
“I think I’ll probably just
jerk off and go to bed.”
Alexander Hamilton
Founding Member of Upsilon Sigma
Alpha Fraternity
“C’mon George, stop being
a fuckface. It’s the move.“
Jillian Brown
First Year Center Staff Member
“Hey everyone! You are missing
out if you’re not checking
out the Movie on the Swamp
tonight! We’re showing “Pitch
Perfect”.”
Harry Potter
Wizard
“I’m not sure that many
people will fit in my
cupboard under the stairs.”