oh henry. 2 - Aberystwyth Caving Club

THE JOURNAL OF ABERYSTWYTH CAVING CLUB– THE REAL UNDE
R GROUND MOVMENT.
WWW.ABERCAVERS.CO.UK
IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT FUCK OFF AND CRY IN THE BOGS YOU WIMP.
X-MAS SPECIAL
£1
WE MIGHT NOT BE A REGISTERED CHARITY, BUT ALL PROFITS WILL GLADLY BE SPENT FURTHERING
OUR CAUSE.
Oli
Editorial Note
2
Its my pleasure to introduce the latest edition of Oh
Henry, the one they thought would happen! We’ve
got some ‘Proper Caving Articles,’ speleology is taking over the club! This is no excuse for the standards
of insults slipping, I’ve inserted more where possible, its an editors prerogative. If contributors are
annoyed they can either slag me off in the next issue or edit it themselves. Its pretty clear that Henry
and I still dislike our work the most, we have again
written an unhealthily high proportion of the content of the magazine you are eagerly clutching. It’s
nice to welcome some new contributors to the
team, keep the articles coming guys.
Letters to the editor
Dear Editor
I was taken aback by the lack of abuse I received in
the inaugural issue of Oh Henry! (September 2009)
and I wish to complain in the strongest possible
terms.
The only conclusion I could come to is that you were
all struggling to think of any of my flaws around
which to anchor your viciousness (snorer? Come
on!)
In the spirit of encouraging more piss taking in this
issue, here's a few ideas: shortarse, drinks (etc.) too
much, sexual deviant, geek, annoyingly good looking... no, actually, I can see your problem. You'll just
have to use a bit of creativity and make up some
shit up then.
ACC is going from strength to strength. we’ve got a
good cohort of fresher's to replace the sole member
who was due to graduate, and luckily for the club he
didn't quite manage it (though fuck knows how you
fail a degree, maybe Josh and Alex can write a guide
for the next issue). The committee are doing a fantastic job, but I feel Tim deserves a special mention.
The man combines several committee jobs into a
master class for aspiring presidents. Freshers, look
and learn. The amount of caving that's going on is
insane, in addition to an a packed club schedule its
good to see individual members organising there
own informal trips. Experienced ones are always
happy to supply kit, bad advice, worse directions
and info on the last known sighting of the club copy
of ‘Caves of south Wales’ (Jason’s car if you’re interested), anything to avoid going underground ourselves.
Yours, etc.
Rich Ll. Smith
Dear Rich
The lack of abuse you received in the last issue is a
result of your extreme boringness. You’re always
tediously insisting you’ll fit through some gap, your
about as interesting as stickleback.
The lack of abuse you receive in this issue is a result
of you being to lazy to contribute. Get off your unemployed arse and put pen to paper
Happy Christmas and all that crap.
Oli
Contents
Oh Henry,
ACCs guide to
freshers
Megan
Henry
Chris’ couple game Chris
Freshers guide to
ACC
4
5
5
Meg&Luke 6
Uncle Stu, our (non) Nathan 7
Resident agony uncle
12,17
Digging in Dreanan,
Who’s Huw?
k
A book review
Oli
10 The erosion method
of Digging
OFD rescue,
Henry 10
Caving Games.
Fran
ACC CVs,
Henry 11
The cavers Bop,
Steve
A reply to Belton,
Oli
12
Chris’ proper caving
Chris
Oli’s proper caving article
The inner workings of Dani 12 article.
Tobys mind
Chris’ rant
Chris
Tildas caving nots
Tilda 13
’ll have a cheese and Tom
My first ACC weekend Huw 13 beans without the beans
Hot potato ,
Tom
8 Glenda and Jammez
13
Cavers deaths fortune Fran
telationship tips, from the vault.
Teller.
Henry 9,10
18,22 Caption competition
Henry 15
Checc ‘09
Tim
16
18
20
20
21
22
Oli
Oli
9 Games page
2
Jono? 16
Classifids
23
24
Nathan 25
3
Everyday
I'm glad that you belong to me
I like the way you follow me
Oh Henry
The other day
I found you just the other day
A little puppy all astray
Oh Henry
No matter what you do
I'll keep on loving you
If you went away
I'd long for you each day
Oh, oh Henry
Yes you are my only pride and
joy
Yes you are my little puppy
dog
Oh Henry
No matter what you do
I'll keep on loving you
If you went away
I'd long for you each day
Oh, oh Henry
Yes you are my only pride and
joy
Yes you are my little puppy
dog
Oh Henry
Oh Henry
Oh Henry
Oh Henry...
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Your Guide to the freshers of Aberystwyth Caving Club-Henry Patton
Now that we have taken the freshers down a few caves, weeded out the claustrophobics and scared off
the normals, I present a rough guide to those left who one day could be your next president...
Oh dear.
Huw Badham - Prone to hitting his head a lot - hopefully he'll avoid brain damage long enough to finish his
degree. Only Welsh member of the current club…better accent than Rich though.
Jono Lee - Will do anything for free drink...just ask Beardy Will!
Fishboy - Originally called Nemo, his drinking skills bear potential for him to be a fine Mendip caver in the
future. What is his real name anyway?
Megan Iacobini de Fazio - You may struggle to place her accent, being as it's a mix between geordie,
scouse and Italian - distinctive is one word. Watch for the flailing arms too. Seemingly insensitive to the
cold, she loves freezing, wet caves....weirdo!
Danielle Wardle - A relatively old fresher, struggling to keep up with the young ‘uns. Don't let her amiable
personality fool you - she's proably drunk already.
Mark Bloomfield - Fancy fish fancier from Norfolk…makes a good shepherd. Often found in close company
with Becca.
Becca Alice Louise Lidstone – Enough forenames to entitle half of ACC - that's just greedy! Becca may possibly be terrified of small large small-ish spaces…Rhyd Sych might not be a good cave for next trip.
Luke Chester - Infrequently seen at socials, he is probably explaining the rules of cricket to some poor
soul, or playing his ‘instruments’. Game for a ‘traverse’ round a man! Don’t rely on him getting you to
Mendip promptly. In fact him and Toby in a car together would be a disaster.
Julia Arisanova - Originally from Bulgaria and procured from the Expedition Society. Last seen on a Mendip
trip...we didn't leave her down a cave or something? Will hopefully return soon.
Chris’ couple game
Oh Henry has noticed that the couple’s contingent is pretty useless at socials. When was the last time Alison & Jason even made it to a social? Mark & ‘Becca better watch out; one of these days ‘Tilda & Xian are
going to crush them in the doorway as the two sets of love birds compete to get home first. (it makes you
wonder how seriously ‘Tilda & Xian take some of the Ten Commandments). Megan blames Henrys lack of
social stamina on his age-I blame it on Megan! While Oli & Chris tend to be among the last to leave this is
less impressive when you consider the times they arrive at.
Continuing the ‘introductions’ theme, and baring in mind how little we see them, we have created a mix
and match list, to see if their around enough for anyone to know who they are. Line them up to see how
well you know them, the first ones been done for you
Rich
Alex
Tim
Jono
Chris
Henry
Glenda
Mark
Xian
Rufus
Beardy will
Ceri
‘Becca
‘Tilda
Dani
Oli
Megan
Eds note. Chris seems a bit confused, even Beardy Will
4 wouldn't shag Alex
5
Fresher’s first impressions of ACC members
What we thought of you after the first few socials
Alex Jones
A girly haired, politically confused social sec. Welcomed the Freshers by calling one of them FAT.
Olivia Dawson
First time we saw this very loud mouthed girl she was wearing a big board and terrifying young freshers. By jumping
out in front of them and screaming in their face she coerced several into joining the ACC, but, not surprisingly, very
few actually showed up to the social.
Shampoo and a brush would be good….
Henry Patton
Our first impressions of this guy were…well, we can’t actually remember cause he was sitting in the corner and being
quite unremarkable. We soon learnt, however, that he is rather a nice old chap, with a strongly competitive nature
and a tendency to fall asleep after a few pints.
What a pity that he is a Tory AND from Devon!
Toby Collins
We had heard of this extraordinarily special character long before we had met him: his legendary lego eating habits,
his capability of getting lost in any situation and his remarkably loud voice.
We were not disappointed upon our first real meeting.
Tim Wiffen
We soon observed our presidente’s sickly pallor, so we were not too surprised to discover he never actually caves,
as he suffers from every allergy including those to curry, rats, caves and life. He is usually found asleep or wandering
around and moaning about his most recent ailment.
Tom Bowen
LOVES JACKET POTATOES
Chris Belton
Welcomed us by claiming he was looking for freshers he “could fuck”.
Charming..
Frances Pope
A very chatty, lovely young lady who is obviously a very big nerd.
Carly Raines
A lively, friendly northern girl who sometimes tries to communicate using weird, incomprehensible animal noises.
When fuelled by alcohol tends to lose all her clothes and becomes a dangerous sex fiend who should be restrained
to protect the wellbeing of members from other clubs.
Barry Lawton
Personally, I was terrified by this old member at this first social. Apparently he had been told to “mingle” and ran
from one fresher to another telling tales of drunken weekends and caving trips gone wrong, all in a manic, wide eyed
fashion. He soon regained our sympathy by making us endless cups of tea and being extremely friendly.
Hissy fits are almost a daily occurrence.
5
6
Xian Stannard and Matilda Poole
We would have thought that two fervent Christians like these would have wanted to get closer to
God and not burrow deep under ground in search of the Devil.
Hissy fits are almost a daily occurrence.
Alison Ball
Makes a lovely pumpkin pie, amongst other things.
Never, EVER leave the door open when the dog’s around.
Jason Martin
???
Rich Ll. Smith and Ruth Allan
I still have no idea why these two hang around with ACC, although they are a lovely couple.
Well, Ruth is lovely. Rich is usually drunk and trying to squeeze his chunky frame through hopelessly small cracks,
or snoring so loudly it is impossible for other members to get any sleep.
Josh Lasson
OH DEAR!!
Dear Uncle Stu,
I’m having a dilemma, do I concentrate more on my golf, or focus on caving?
Uncle Stu replies,
“Jono” (making up your own nickname isn’t cool, by the way), I don’t think chavlings are allowed to play
golf, are they? Perhaps in Essex, but not here. Find a sport more suited to your station; beating immigrants, perhaps.
Dear Uncle Stu,
Alright butty? Can you have a word with Mam; she keeps sending me texts like, and it’s damaging my
cred. Remember, don’t mention our little games. Ta, Huw
Uncle Stu replies,
Huw, I’m the ACC agony uncle Stu, not your uncle Stu. I don’t know your clap-ridden inbred relatives,
nor do I wish to. There’s not much I can do to help; perhaps try letting go of the apron strings? These
“games” you refer to; they don’t involve choo-choo trains and your innocent tunnel, do they?
Dear Uncle Stu,
I am studying economics, and have joined ACC to give me experience in running an organisation; this
will be useful practise for when I’m CEO of a blue-chip company/running the world.
Should I become President next year, or first gain experience as Sec.?
Uncle Stu replies,
Luke, economists are pestilent sores on the vagina of humanity. You are trying to get a degree in counting; it’s really not difficult. Dani is going to be ACC secretary; get use to it. There is a chance of you becoming a CEO; you are so painfully tedious that people will promote you so they don’t have to talk to
you.
Dear Uncu Stu,
Thometimes when I are caving I get fwightened and the big boys have to help me. Awen’t I thilly?
Dear Matilda,
That trick works on some boys. Try it with me and I’ll slap you so hard your retinas detach, then I’ll tear
your womb out and make you wear it like a hat.
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7
Digging in Dreanan. an occasional series? Oli
At Hidden Earth Henry went to a talk about Dreanans ‘Mystery Streamway.’ The cave has three, quite
impressive, steams. they all had in the sameish direction and are thought to come out the same resurgence. Clearly then they must converge underground to form quite a river, (its probably going to
be the best in the UK, if not the world. Better even
than OFD) but no one knows where it is. There’s a
lot of limestone behind Dreanan, the 55km cave has
the potential to double in length, easily surpassing
the Lancaster-Easegill system to become the largest
in Britain. As it was only discovered in 1994 some of
the most promising Leeds are still unpushed, and
the potential rewards for diggers are sweet. Henry
was inspired, and determined to join the hunt. However he wanted someone to hold his hand in front
of all the scary new people, and to make him look
comparatively less bad at caving in front of these
spelio-gods.
Eventually the boys broke through in to a ‘chamber.’
Others might have described it as a turning point,
but Henry was excited by his first discovery, and
probably thought of name for it so he could be immortalised on the survey. We were very excited and
with promising leads we called it a day.
The trip out was a bit of an endurance fest. I missed
the beauty of the Midwinter Chambers and the
Snowball entirely, but definitely noticed ‘The Last
Sandwich,’ second only to the Darren entrance series in the hellish crawl stakes. I started hallucinating a bit, but that got less bad after demolishing a
malt loaf. I kinda wished it hadn’t, it was more entertaining than the approach to Indiana Highway.
And then after 11 hours underground I spent the
night in Blackwalls. yay
A fortnight later we were back for more. Why? I was
more cave fit second time round, much to my surThat’s why on a particularly wet and miserable Fri- prise, and I suspect everyone else's relief.
day night I found myself rendezvousing with Rich,
Team Aber rapidly demolished the sand and this
who Henry also talked into it, and a bunch cavers at time I had a go at the dig. The passage behind
Blackwalls - luxury caving chalet. The people we are ‘Henrys chamber’ was open, but the floor needed
digging with are very nice, but they are so fucking
digging out so we could pass. The was a second pashardcore they despise beds, windows, doors and
sage going on from the chamber, and Rich dug at
roofs that keep out the rain as decedent frivolities. that. Eventually I pushed it into what Pete Talling,
It was a good indication of what was in store for me. who has us Aber lot under his wing, described as a
The idea is that the cave broke down where the ex- ‘small grotto.’ It was small, (as in I couldn’t fit my
isting streams converge, and that instead of forcing chest through it stylye small) but the stals it cona way through the resultant bolder choke we’re go- tained had never before been seen. After a bit the
ing the dig out a sand filled pheratic tube at a high
Aber crew got bored and went out to gaze on the
level. It seems to go around the breakdown, so we Nameless Formation, Currently Gracing the Cover of
get to the other side of the choke without needing ‘Descent,’ eat and chilax while others dug.
to stabilise the boulders. We were excited as we
Work continues, with trips having taken place over
entered the system. Toby will relate the joys of the the CHECC weekend, and next year I'm sure we will
entrance series to anyone who cares, but we got
be back.
through it quickly.
How does this affect the club? Unfortunately the
Indeed we got to the dig quickly. They’d said it was route to the dig is complicated; so club weekends
4 hours in, we did it in 3. And that was 3 hours of
are not going to mutate into quests for the streamcaving. Not faffing about me styley, umming and
way just yet, but I do predict doing more Dreanan
arrring over the passage to choose, looking behind
me slowly and carefully so I remember the way out, trips. While it isn’t our dig, and its more three ACC
caving together than an ACC thing, people are telloh no. We were caving fast.
ing us what a great bunch Aber are, and telling us
Henry, Rich and the rest of the spelio-gods attacked how nice it is for us to belong to such an efficient
the dig face with a rather fetching flower patterned and competent club. And eventually when we make
trowel. I lay in the tube on the sand conserving my that breakthrough Aber, like every other club, will
energy for it and stopping the tray the boys were
have a whole new streamway to play in.
filling with sand catching on an annoying rock.
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8
ACC: Who, exactly is Huw? Henry Patton
As recounted else where Henrys attendance at socials has been piss poor recently. This has led to
his elderly brain getting confused as to who exactly is who. He remembers who people are by
thinking who they look like, and has created pictures to jog his decrepit brain. Look out for these
throughout the issue
Eds Note. According to Barry Huw and Oli are indistinguishable . Man clearly dosn’t recognise good looks
and charm when its stood theire spilling beer down its top and yelling at him.
Norbert Castleret- Ten years under the earth. A book review by Olivia Dawson, aged 21 and 11
months, older than Luke’s sister (!) and too old to be cool.
‘He invented the Sport of Caving. On his own. The
mans a fruitcake’ (Belton, 2009)
First published in English in 1939 this book is responsible for having inspired some of Britain’s earliest and greatest cavers, and is well worth a read. It
details Norberts explorations, chronicling some of
his earliest discoveries, as well as his finest. Castleret wrote in French, and the translation condenses two of his books into one, and I wonder
whether this was wise. The narrative is a bit disjointed, but the episodes that Casteret recounts are
thrilling, and his views on modern art are also amusing.
Casteret captures the thrill of exploration, but doesn’t manage to communicate the high from being the
first person to push new passages or discover finding relics well enough for the reader to be able to
understand the methods he used to make his discoveries. He mainly caved solo, almost naked, and
illuminated by candles stuck to the brim of a battered bowler hat (after WW1 he kept his tin helmet
to use for caving). He made a habit of free diving
8
sumps that had never been passed before. (As I
read the book I thought maybe there is hope for
ACC. We are nowhere near as poorly equipped, and
nor do we take the same kinds of risks as Casteret,
and, to the best of my knowledge, he didn’t kill himself). It is hard to understand why you would endanger yourself in this way and although episodes such
as Casterets reaction to finding a dog in a cave humanise him a bit, it is hard to emphasise with him.
As a result the book lacks emotional depth, and the
excitement of Casterets discoveries are diminished
by not really caring about him.
The lack of emotional content is partially compensated for by the knowledge of what a seminal figure
Casterete is, and the book is a cracking read. I read
this at the end of my 7 months exiled in North
America, and it fired me up to return to the underground. If anyone wants to borrow my copy just pop
round, and it is also in the ‘Famous Idiots’ section of
the Hugh Owen Library, next to Jack Kurak.
9
A potato is fully cooked when the centre reaches exactly 100oc.
China is the World’s largest potato producer, growing on average 70 million metric tons per year.
Interestingly Ireland is not one of the top 10 potato growers in the world.
A mature potato plant creates fruits which contain a toxic substance also found in deadly nightshade.
Potato Facts -Tom Bowen
OFD II rescue-Henry Patton
ACC members managed to become the subject of an article in a recent issue of Descent (209), although in
somewhat unfortunate circumstances. The write-up was of the rescue on 6th June 2009, which involved
Rich, Rufus, Henry, Chris and Oli becoming trapped at Maypole Inlet during a flash flood. For those who
have not read the account, a lengthy edition can be found on the ukcaving forum.
Although there is a happy ending to the story, there are valuable lessons that can be learnt. Firstly, if you
ever find yourself trapped in a powerful current, it is far easier and safer to move upstream against the
flow. Although there may be a temptation to go downstream, this will most likely end up with someone
being washed away and drowned (as has unfortunately happened in OFD before). Secondly, cavers should
always remember to carry an survival bag. This lightweight addition to your kit can prove vital when you
have to remain stationary in cold and wet conditions; during this incident we were forced to wait ~5 hours
for the water levels to drop 3 feet - enough for us to escape the main streamway. These are stashed in
club helmets, make sure not to loose them.
Perhaps the most important point to take away is that rapidly changing water levels pose a real and serious threat in caves (nowhere more so than in the karst systems of Yorkshire), and should be given the appropriate respect when considering trips.
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ACC CVs
As throughout the UK, the recession has hit members of ACC hard too. Unemployment within the club has
left many living on the poverty line, with some even not able to buy more than 2 pints at the social! To
help them find a job and stop scrounging off the state, printed here are a few of their CVs for would-be
employers...
Name: Dr R Smith
DOB: 30/09/1971
Address: Cardiff
Name: Alex Jones
Date: May 6, 1989
Sex: I wish.
Education:
Education:
Comp Sci BSc
Comp Sci PhD
A-levels: Homebrewing C+; Hair care A; Somnipathy A
International Politics BA - attended, but then got
distracted
Currently unemployed. Previously loafed about at
Brunel Polytechnic. I suppose I should leave academia and find a real job now.
Previous Employment:
Shell garage – making friends with taxi drivers and
local alcoholics.
Chief Buyer for an engineering firm—When I’m
not ranting about ‘the system’ I like nepotism.
Interests:
Port Talbot Steelworks
Daren Cilau & Eastwater
Admiring my annoyingly good looks
Sexy-time..especially now I’m unemployed
My middle name - its Llewellyn by the way. Do you
want me to tell you where it comes from? Well
see… Eds note., we cut this to preserve your sanity.
Interests:
Tall buildings, sticking it to ‘The Man’ by getting a
haircut (should get another one really), Anarchism
(unless daddy offers to pay the rent).
Name: Josh Lasson
Date of Birth: I'm pretty sure its in September
Address: Penglais woods, Aberystywth
Name: Christopher Belton
Date of birth: 28 April 1981
Sex: see previous convictions
Education:
Qualifications:
A-levels: Bullshiting A; Electronics D;
Comp Sci BSc…almost
Marine biology BSc - specialist in sticklebacks
Employment:
Interests:
06/2000 to 09/2009 -- Playing at being a Squady
Boy with the TA. The dressing up is my favourite
bit.
09-2009 - Phone book delivery boy
Cycling round the country in a mankini, beards, the
word ‘actually’, furry hats, dustbins.
Previous Unemployment:
Interests & skills:
Since 2003. Actually I worked in a school once they let me clean the keyboards one time, but had
to go to hospital when I started eating the letters.
‘A’ tasted the best.
Climbing (not caving), ‘keen kayaker’, minesweeping (it’s a military thing…umm…honest), avoiding
getting shot at.
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A reply to Belton; Oli’s proper caving article, a discussion of the rival merits of Stops and Go's.
I don't like Go’s, they allow your incompetence to make you splat
I like Stops, they make you stop.
Don't use Go’s, they're fucking deadly,
Use Stops.
Eds note. I still know there shouldn't by an apostrophe in ‘Go’s.’ You try and pluralise it in a grammatically correct, yet understandable manner.
‘’Oh Henry! tastes quite nice’’
‘’I should join alchahollics amon..
‘’I have to go shopping for the whole week and think about
what I want for the whole week. .. Aghhhhh...’’
More uncle Stu
Dear Uncle Stu
I sometimes worry that the freshers don’t like or respect me enough. I worry that my patchy attendance at socials (because I can’t afford to drink) damages my credibility.
Dear Alex
Your credibility is damaged because you’re not a caver, you’re a self indulgent little coward. Stop
spending your days masturbating and get a job, you lazy toe rag. Oh, and have you stopped wearing
that scarf yet?
Dear Uncle Stu
The more experienced member of the club don’t invite me on the harder trips they go of and do. I'm
sure I’d be all right, if only they’d give me the chance to prove myself. How do I convince them to invite
me along?
Dear Xian,
You are a bit boring, but its your hysterical girlfriend that's the problem, prove you’re independent of
her, and they might invite you along. Dump her, and they’ll be grateful enough to take you anywhere.
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‘Tildas Caving Nots
My first caving trip Huw Badham
When I was a child I enjoyed getting covered in
mud and crawling through dark spaces. So when Oli
approached me at the Fresher's Fare and wouldn't
stop talking to me for twenty minutes about how I
could do both at the same time, I thought 'why
not?' and joined the club. It's been quite an experience, from the vastly different episodes I've had in
caves to the extraordinary nightlife.
One of the very first things I gathered about caving
is that practically every single participant is weird in
some way or another. Needless to say, I'm slightly
strange so it's a welcome break to be surrounded
by other oddballs. My first caving trip with the ACC
was in south Wales, which isn't too far from where
I grew up so I felt quite close to home. After a two
hour car journey in Fran's deathmobile, we arrived
at the Westminster Hut in the Brecon Beacons, and
it wasn't long after arriving that five of us (Alex,
Fran, Stephen, Julia and I) decided to go caving.
We chose a nice, easy cave that was close by Bridge Cave - since three of us had never been caving before. Hilarity ensued as we tried to find the
cave in the dark and ended up pulling in at the
wrong farm, prompting Alex to get out of the car
and ask for directions while dressed in a neo fleece.
As we were leaving the farm, Fran managed to get
her car stuck in a ditch while reversing. Fun times.
We eventually arrived at the cave and once more
Alex proved himself a competent leader by getting
lost in the entrance. Fran went around and found
another way through, and after abusing Alex for
some time we carried on towards the main chamber. Everyone except Alex managed the bridge
(most of us crawled and I nearly slipped climbing up
at the end).
Back at the hut, most other people were arriving
and food was being cooked. We returned just as
everyone was collecting their meals, to our relief we were all very hungry by now. Caving games
were played that night, and I came to the conclusion that every single caving game ever invented is
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13
Is just a clever ruse to make me hurt myself in some
way, shape or form. Sling and crab, table traversing,
the cardboard box game - every single one, I hit my
head quite painfully on the floor. By the time it
came to people traversing, I counted myself out of
the shenanigans - quite wisely, in my opinion, because the first pair were Rich and Ruth and Rich
ended up throwing Ruth over his shoulder onto the
floor.
The caving games that night were sparse - we'd exhausted most of them the night before. However,
some people were balancing bean cans, bottles and
other miscellaneous items on their foreheads while
lying down and trying to stand up with them, and
after being threatened with a 'bolognesing' I managed to squeeze myself through a ladder with some
difficulty.
The next day, after most hangovers had been cured,
we went caving again. Half of us went to OFD II, the
other half to Cwmdwr. I was in the group that did
OFD, along with Rich, Ruth, Oli, Alex and Luke. After
about five minutes in the cave Alex wimped out,
claiming his fear of heights was so paralysing that he
couldn't clamber over a rock at knee height. Rich
took him back to the entrance, and while we were
waiting for him to return Cardiff passed us. After
exchanging pleasantries with them, Rich finally returned and we were on our way.
We spent quite a bit of time exploring OFD, looking
at sights such as Wedding Cake, Judge and Trident
and Swampy Creek. We ended up - somehow - at
Bold Step. Oli crossed over it and looked back, asking whether we should carry on or turn back. After
asking how deep the canyon actually was
(apparently, twenty five to thirty metres), I took an
interested and tentative step forwards, slipped on
some mud, lost my balance and fell over, sliding
right past Luke and heading right for the edge. I
panicked for about a second, threw my legs out either side and wedged myself between some rocks.
Oddly enough, I was the only person who hadn't
nearly come close to soiling themself, as I found out
when I stood up. I was more embarrassed than
grateful to be alive - everyone else was breathing
heavily. I suffered a scar on my middle finger in the
scrape, but otherwise was unhurt.
Finally, the Sunday consisted of more caving - Ogof
Pasg to Ogof Foel Fawr. We got inside, and after
crawling through some narrow passages for half an
hour, Rich, Ruth, Fran and I came to the ladder
pitch. Ruth climbed down first, only to find that the
ladder was about a metre off the floor. I climbed
down second carrying the spare ladder. I'd descended into the middle of a mass gathering - we'd
run into Henry, Megan, Luke and Oli at the base of
the ladder pitch. All of them were looking quite wet.
When I looked to the left, I could clearly see why the passageway was filled with water. After Fran
and Rich joined us at the bottom, we bid farewell to
the others and carried on through the water. At first
I didn't think it was too bad - it came over the top of
my wellies - and then the path stepped downwards
and I was suddenly up to my chest in freezing cave
water. Nobody warned me about that step. Glad I
wasn't coming the other way - I'd have tripped and
ended up drinking the stuff.
Further into the cave we encountered the duck—a
low, small passage half full of water that we had to
crawl through. I made it through that alright, and
then there was a hole in the floor leading to another
passage that went off to the left - another duck.
Fantastic. So I climbed face first into it, then found
my helmet was too wide and I had to turn my head
sideways and ended up getting some water in my
mouth. I soldiered on and made it out of the end
alive and without any more incidents, and we rested
for a bit. The table caused some difficulty - I had to
After returning once more to the hut, we resumed take my helmet off - but after that the cave was
the drinking of the night before. It was all fun and
fairly straightforward. The only problem was the
games until someone left the door open and Jack - weather - getting changed in the middle of a carpark
Jason's husky - got out. Jason, Alison and Tim went on a wet and windy mountainside after caving isn't
out to look for him with torches while the rest of us exactly the definition of fun, especially when most
stayed inside and carried on drinking. After about
of the things you're wearing are quite wet and much
half an hour, Henry opened the door to see if the
colder than they should be.
others had got back yet and Jack just bounced into
the room amongst laughter. He hid under the table A list of things I hit my head on include: rocks,
in the warm and just lay there for the rest of the
stones, large cave formations, car boots,
evening. Tim came back telling us how he spoke to a
farmer that said he'd have shot Jack if he'd seen him
on his land - charming guy.
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doorframes, bunkbeds, tables, chairs, large signs,
stone flooring etc. It goes on. Still, I haven't given
up. It either shows I'm brave or stupid. I'm not quite
sure which. Like a true caver, I don't care. I couldn't
wait until the next trip for more caving. I don't think
I've ever found a physical exercise that's more fun.
And has more weirdos that I can relate to involved
in it. I got home that night after a long day of caving,
collapsed on my bed and slept for a solid ten hours.
Anyway, that's my account of my first caving weekend with the ACC.
Huw
Eds note. This is really good. It combines a high level of literacy with insults and enthusasum. This is
what I want from the rest of you.
Glenda and Jammerz relationship tips
More of the club than ever before has shacked up with fellow cavers. A reprint of Glenda and Jammerz
relationship tips (from the 1999 edition of the logbook) seems a timely way of helping these young couples then (particularly as following them is an obligation according to the ACC constitution). Glenda is happily married to his ACC girlfriend; his hints are filled with wisdom but following them may leave you a
‘mattress buying ponce.’ History does not relate what happened to Jammerz, or if it does it hasn’t to me.
While some of these tips may seem flat out meaningless, I suggest that these are the ones which hold the
most enlightenment for the aspiring caving club couple. It’s just kinda Zen. Personally I like the way its ambiguous weather you are forbidden from say admiring the orange trousers your dearest beloved has just
brought, or required to. Who knows?
May all who seek it find enlightenment.
Oli
Glenders relation-ship tips.
Jamerz relationship tips.- for when you know your
becoming like a certain other couple.
•
•
Going on a camping trip to devils bridge together
•
Going to each other’s lectures
•
Buying a double duvet together
•
•
•
•
Parroting down caves
Dyeing your hair together
Going down the following caves/mines together all the time: Lefel Fawr
Crossroads
Swildons
•
Don’t cancel planned things to go and do
something with other half
•
Don’t appreciate orange trousers belonging to other half
•
Choosing each others clothes to where
for the day.
•
•
Giggling at crap jokes together
•
Having one room as a bedroom and one as a
living room (study)
•
Not taking the piss out of each other, actually
defending one another
•
Going off in a strop if one of you has any kind
of physical contact with members of the opposite sex
•
Going to meals with relations on caving trips.
•
Documents exactly what we’re going to do.
Dont doing everything together
Wherein each others cloths
Teaching the other person to shave.
Where?
•
Not getting friski down a cave
•
Fondling one another in public,
‘anywhere.’ Even on birthdays
•
Only on a Tuesday/caving trip do the
rules apply.
Eds note. In the olden days the social was on
Tuesdays, but we changed it so Chris could play
soldiers.
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15
Caption Competition
No prizes this time round, just the glory of being the person able to think of the funnyist/ rudeist caption
for this photo of Nathan (in the codura) and Milky (in the yellow) at Cow Pot.
Last issues winner was Henry (what a surprise).
‘’Once again Chris’ attempts to use a chair left ACC feeling
a deep sense of pity.’’
The Erosion Method™ of Digging, or ‘Erode™, and the Rock is Gone.’ – Oli
As you have read elsewhere in these hallowed pages I have recently taken up cave digging. I quickly learnt
that the so called experts rely almost entirely on hilti capping, sledge hammering and general banging to
clear blockages, and I quickly learnt that this was not enough. While they have had some successes I believe that there is a better way. I call this ‘The Erosion Method™.’ It’s a more holistic approach to digging,
and is in touch with the cave. Too often diggers look at bolder chokes and breakdown as problems, obstructions to be passed. To apply the Erosion Method™ one must instead look at these as baby caves,
limestone that has yet to be eroded.
What does this mean in practice? Well instead of whacking the cave (or mine) repeatedly with a lump
hammer the poor thing is more likely to revel its secrets if you gently stroke it with the hammer. Not only
does this replicate the natural process of erosion (hence the name) that caused the cave to form in the
first place, but it reconnects the cave to its embryonic self. The Erosion Method™ gently coaxes the cave
into enlarging itself.
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16
Spot the difference!
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Caving Games
NEWS: Due to their assiduous reading of last edition’s Caving Games cheat sheet, Xian and Tilda triumphed at the CHECC sling and saucepan competition. Their success was aided by their extreme clinginess to each other, Tilda’s ability to spend painful amounts of time with her head in Xian’s crotch and their
opponents’ refusal to remove their jeans.
#2. Beer Pong
How to: A team of two stands at each end of a long table. In front of them sit six half pints of beer or ale.
The teams take it in turn to bounce a ping pong ball into their opposition’s glasses. Any “spiked” drinks
must be drunk immediately by alternate members of the team.
Fig 1: a diagram
The Winner: The team which forces its opponents to drink all their beer wins the prize of moving on to
the next round (if they can still stand).
• The Dangers: i) Losing on purpose because you refuse to put any more beer down your throat. ii) Losing your consciousness because you refuse to give up the game. iii) Disease from the crowd putting the
ball in inappropriate places in between throws. iv) Getting cold (but only according to Josh).
•
More Uncle Stu
Dear uncal Stu
My ex won’t leave me alone. What should I do?
Dear Carly
I’m glad you’ve realised Josh is a waste of skin. Horsewhip him. And get yourself checked out; I don’t
think meny people have shagged Josh, but I hate to think what else anyone who would do him would
do.
Dear uncle Stu.
I graduate soon, what should I do.
‘Oli’
In a year your going to be calling yourself Olivia again, and metamophing into a grand old
woman of the raj. I hope you enjoyed sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll: it’s over now. When your
sixty you’re going to be reminiscing. ‘Once I finished my Interpol degree at Aber. I worked for DFID,
all over the world. Had some marvellous times, I remember when we were out in Ghana, had a delightful Boy called M’popo. Had to beat him quite severely for dumb insolence, after that he followed
me like a lamb. He was heart-broken when we left. Of course, they’re like children really; you can’t
trust them with anything.”
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Cavers bop
The discovery of minstrel mine. Chris proper caving article
With apologies to 'The Ramones' to
Me and Oli went to Mendip.
be sung to the tune of 'Blitzkrieg
We went digging with Stu and Henry D
Bop'
We found a mine.
(for those who don't know it; you're
It was a bit shit.
ignorant fools and I'm sure u-tube
In Decent they called it ‘Minstrel Mine’, but Rich called it ‘Miniscule
will provide!)
Mine.’
I think that's a Better name.
Hey ho, lets go
Hey ho, lets go
Eds note. If when just talking about oneself one would use ’I’ one
uses it when talking about oneself and another. It is a very easy rule.
We're going off to Mendips
Learn it, use it, love it.
With Charlies cheapo cave kits
Whos Huw, continued
To squeeze down soggy Swallets
The cavers bop
Now we're piling in the Belfrey
And it dont look very healthy
Cos it looks just like a brewery
The cavers bop
Hey ho, lets go
We're the 'Aber cavers
Why we do it; we dont know
But we're kitted up and ready to
go
Morning finds the ill ones
looking down at Swildons
Wondering where it went wrong
The cavers bop
Where's the bloody daylight?
Now i've had enough of calcite
And i'm sure it was'nt this tight
The cavers bop
Hey ho, lets go
We're the 'Aber cavers
Why we do it; we dont know
But we're kitted up and ready to
go
Hey ho, lets go
Hey ho, lets go
Eds note.
When the Belton Boy manages to get a
job working
with kids he’s
going to have
To be very carful that an absent minded mother dosnt
pick him up and take him home instead of her son. Or
is that Chris’ plan?
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Chris' Rant
After much deliberation (and several pints) I have decided to change the title of my occasional column to
Chris' Rant. This is after deciding that there is a point to caving in Yorkshire.
So for this edition of Chris’ Rant I will discourse about Club Old Gits (COG’s). These are people (almost universally male) that have graduated or dropped out but never managed to leave ACC. They can be split into
two categories; those who managed to leave Aber and those who haven’t.
To those who have left Aber; Congratulations, you may have a half decent degree. However your First will
still not get you a decent job and so you will still have to retrain to be a primary school teacher or a nurse.
You people are so lonely that you still come on pretty much every ACC trip (even travelling the length of
the country to attend), then moan that it was better in their day and go on about how great the Bay was.
The fuckers never even go caving but sit there and gloat about how much money they have. They pretend
to be spelio-gods, but in fact they’re worse than the fresher’s. These people have no life outside of ACC.
They might as well have just stayed in Aber. This brings me nicely to the second group of lonely decrepit
fools.
This is those who never managed to leave Aber. These vary from people who got firsts to thirds to dropouts.
To those who got a First- Fuck Off. You’ve got a decent degree. Don’t stay in this shithole with fuck all job
prospects. Don’t work at a solicitors for years doing conveyncing. You’d have been better off staying on
jobseekers.
And to those of you who got less than a first- do you enjoy standing outside the job centre in the rain?
Carrying on living off the taxpayer. You might have well have carried on being a student. In fact will you
ever give anything back to the society that you have taken so much from? (Eds note. It’s nice to see that
chris is aware of the pointlessness of his existence.)
And to the lowest of them all; the lazy fucks who didn’t even manage to get a degree; How thick are you?
Getting a degree is a piece of piss. Like those who got a third you will not have a job and be trying to live
off the state. Unlike those who got thirds you are to self-righteous and arrogant to understand that only
you are to blame for dropping out and confirm this by talking to losers in chatrooms about how THEY conspired against you and made you fail. Remember it is your fault. Though you could have asked for a second chance and lied when they asked you why, Sorry, I forgot you actually did that, but fucked that up
too. (Don’t worry Alex this is not solely directed at you. There have been others who dropped out, somewhere. Ant, for instance. Eds note, though Ant may not be the best example, as his lack of a degree hasn’t
stopped him earning megabucks that Chris can only dream of.)
There is one much smaller category that I cannot fail to mention. So small that, in fact, there has only
been one person eligible for it in ACC’s 40+ year history. This weakling was bullied out of his old (uni) caving club, tried to get a job in the real world, failed and came to Aber to join a new uni caving club. He’ll be
bullied out of this one soon enough.
I hope never to see you bunch of wankers again.
Love,
Chris
Ps. Nathan, if you ex-wife has started shagging you again she must be even more desperate than when
she divorced you before.
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(Please note: Polish accent necessary for Crazy Polish immigrant)
Crazy Polish immigrant: if you need work done, u ask me yes. I have friends in business
yes………one is errrrrrr….how I say……tiller…….
Tom’s Dad: Tiller???....ummmmm…..you mean Tiler
Crazy Polish immigrant: Yes yes tiller tiler……other friend he…errrrrrrr……plastered.
Tom’s Dad: Plastered!?!?..........oh you mean he’s a plasterer
Crazy Polish immigrant: Yes plastered plasterer………and me…me….I am…….electrochicken
Tom’s Dad: Electrochicken!!!!!!??????!!!!!!!!!!!........you mean an electrician.
Crazy Polish immigrant: Yes, yes electrochickenchen…..we do work for you at good price yes.
Tom’s Dad:…………………………………………………………………………………?
More Uncle Stu
Dear-a Uncle Stu-one,
I’m-a so in-a love. Is great. My rent-boy so ‘andsome, is sideburns so a’manly. They curl-a like-a spaghetti. Hes’a delicious, like-a, like-a, like-a pizza. You wanna buy a ice-cream?
Uncle Stu replies,
That’s touching. Remember the fate of most Italian lovers – they either slit the throat of a good English
girl (c.f. Meredith Kercher), or end up as early Christmas decorations.
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21
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22
'CHEECC 2009, as I'm sure other articles will inform you, was awesome. One event in particular, however
will stay in the memories of all of the ACC who were there. The events that follow, in cartoon form, are
based on actual events. Although the quotes may not be entirely exact, I can assure you that the actions
of the people involved, unfortunately, can not be closer to the truth.
The people involved are Beardy Will, and ACC's very own Toby Collins and Jono 'Arse Licker' Lee.
Tim Wiffen, El Presidente '09.
Eds note. Just in case you were
forgetting who Henry is :
Henry Patton
22
Victorian Rent boy
23
Personal Adds.
Wanted:
A sense of humour
Needed:
Social skills
Contact:
Tilda
Contact:
Oli
Wanted;
Megan
Needed:
Stable entrance series.
Contact Dani
Contact
Swildons Hole
Have you ever wanted your
boyfriend to be better behaved? Does his humour need
de-toilet training? Bored of his
free actions?
Wanted:
A Job
Contact:
Luke Chester
Penbryn
Aberystwyth
Wanted:
A new spine and liver
Contact:
Chris
Wanted:
A better accent.
Contact
Dr Rich Ll Smith
I can help.
Contact Becca
Wanted:
pressure washer, disinfectant and brush.
Contact:
Oli
For Sale:
Free to good
home.
2 Complete set of caving gear,
in good condition (Hardly
used).
Shed Needed.
Contact
ACC Committe
Husky
Ok, any home.
Contact: Tim
Contact:
Alison or Jason
Wanted:
Cheep Gin
Wanted:
More of Daddies Money
Wanted:
A Job, a PHD or an employable skill.
Contact:
Rich
Contact:
Alex
Contact:
Ruth
Needed:
New car
Wanted:
A decent razor
Wanted:
Dissertation
Contact
Chris
Contact:
Henry
Contact:
Oli
Wanted:
A girl; any girl. Oh, alright, a pretty
lady-boy. Actually, I’ll take anything.
No fur though.
Contact:
Alex
Wanted:
Drunk fat girls for night of passion. Must either supply own bed, or be impervious to
cold. Pref. Under age.
Contact: Chris
Wanted:
Break cable
Contact:
Toby
Needed: Freshers.
Contact: Cardiff University Caving
Club.
23
Wanted:
A functioning Immune
system.
Contact:
Tim
24
Oh Henry!
The journal of Aberystwyth caving club
Choose caving. Choose exploration. Choose calcite formations,
choose muddy, cold, wet, and pointless. Choose hunters ham
pasta, flattened mars bars and malt loaf. Choose kneepads.
Choose an oversuit. Choose odd friends, choose poor personal
hygiene and hours in a car on the A470. Choose wetsocks in a
range of lengths. Choose a hangover at the Belfry and wondering
who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose crawling through a
puddle in a fucking hole in the ground, mind-numbingly spiritcrushingly cold, fucking lost in some cave. Choose getting
changed by the side of the road in the pissing rain, in the middle
of fucking nowhere, nothing more than an embarrassment to the
incompetent, fucked up freshers you recruited to replace yourself. Chose aching all over at the end of it. Choose caving...but
why would I want to do a thing like that?
Caving—The real underground movement.
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