Divorce Resource Guide

CLERGY TRAINING ON DIVORCE
A RESOURCE GUIDE FOR CLERGY
CLERGY: THINK JSSA WHEN ....................................................................... 2
JSSA SERVICES FOR COUPLES & FAMILIES .................................................. 3-5
JEWISH RESOURCES
BOOKS ............................................................................................ 6
ARTICLES, WEBSITE, ORGANIZATIONS .................................................... 7
DEATH AS BEREAVEMENT BY SANDRA WINICUR .................................. 8-13
JEWISH TEXTS ON DIVORCE .................................................................. 4
PRAYERS & RITUALS FOR DIVORCE ................................................. 15-23
GENERAL RESOURCES
THE DIVORCED KID’S MANIFESTO .................................................. 24-25
JSSA CLERGY TRAINING SPONSORS............................................................ 26
Coming Late June – Clergy Training in NoVA
From Strength to Strength: Serving Older Adults & their Families
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CLERGY: THINK JSSA WHEN...
 A congregant’s eight year old son is having behavioral problems at school
 A couple you know is having marital difficulties and is considering separation or
divorce
 A teenager has recently become withdrawn, angry and difficult to engage
 A congregant with special needs can’t find meaningful employment
 You feel increasingly detached and demoralized
 An aging congregant refuses to accept that she can no longer live alone at home
safely
 A bereaved spouse seeks grief counseling
 A group of teachers need help dealing with troubling teen behavior
 A very sick congregant conveys to you their fear of a “painful death”
 A couple is considering adoption but doesn’t know how to begin the process
 A colleague is seeking training in suicide risk assessment
 A congregant’s parent is a Holocaust survivor and is in need of support services
 A family struggles to find social events for a child with Asperger’s syndrome
 You learn of a congregant who has been given a difficult prognosis
 Parents are seeking community resources for a child with developmental disabilities
When faced with any of these challenges...Think JSSA.
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JSSA Couples Counseling
JSSA offers individuals, couples and families a broad range of services designed to enhance
communication, strengthen decision-making, develop healthier relationships and resolve conflicts
throughout a couple’s lifespan. Our team of highly skilled professionals provides assistance through
times of life transitions and challenges—before, during and after marriage.
Pre-Marital:
 Individual couples counseling, using nationally recognized Prepare/Enrich program
 Topics explored include: communication and conflict resolution, spirituality, sexuality, dual
career marriages and more.
Marital:
 A broad range of evidence based therapy approaches
 Prepare/Enrich program for newly married couples
 Expertise with blended families, interfaith families, same-sex couples, special needs families,
parenting issues, mid-life marriage couples and empty nesters
Separation and Divorce:
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Pro-bono phone or office consultation
Collaborative divorce coaching
Parenting plans
Child specialists
Expertise in helping families with special needs
Workshops and support groups for children and/or parents
For more information about JSSA’s Couples Services please contact us:
Maryland: 301.816.2633 • Northern Virginia: 703.896.7918
[email protected] • www.jssa.org
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Prepare/Enrich is a dynamic program for pre-marital and newly married couples that helps a couple
explore and strengthen their relationship. It begins with the couple completing Prepare/Enrich's customized
online assessment. This is not just any assessment. Based on a solid research foundation, the tool provides a
detailed snapshot of a couple and identifies their unique strengths as well as their potential growth areas.
After completing the assessment, the couple meets with one of JSSA’s experienced couple therapists who, in
five feedback sessions, will share the results of the assessment with the couple and, through a variety of
exercises, teach the couple relationship skills to help them “prepare” for marriage, and “enrich” their
relationship for years to come.
Prepare/Enrich can help your couples:
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Identify strength and growth areas
Explore personality traits
Strengthen communication skills
Resolve conflicts and reduce stress
Share family backgrounds
Comfortably discuss financial issues
Establish personal, couple and family goals
For more information about JSSA’s Couples Services please contact us:
Maryland: 301.816.2633 • Northern Virginia: 703.896.7918 - [email protected] • www.jssa.org
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JSSA RESOURCES
JSSA offers a host of services related to divorce, including divorce consultation and counseling, education,
support groups, mediation, and other specialized services to help families successfully navigate separation,
divorce, co-parenting and re-marriage.
Individual, Family & Group Therapy
Call 301-816-2633 (MD); 703-896-7918 (VA) or visit www.JSSA.org
Strengthen your family and help them function as you navigate the many difficult life transitions. Learn new coping
mechanisms so you can remain optimistic during what can be a difficult process
Divorce Consultation Services (offered pro-bono)
Call 301-816-8381(MD) or visit www.JSSA.org
We can help individuals and couples understand the different divorce options. The consultation also provides attorney
referrals when indicated.
Separation and Divorce Support Groups
For details and registration visit www.jssa.org/service/workshops-and-groups/
Seek guidance and find solace by connecting with others who are going through the same experiences as you.
Services for Children (including children with special needs)
Call 301-816-2633 (MD); 703-896-7918 (VA) or visit www.JSSA.org
JSSA child specialists provide a safe place for children to share their feelings and concerns and ask questions about the
divorce process. A child specialist plays an important, time-limited role in helping parents understand what their children
are experiencing and what their needs are during the divorce process and in the future.
Parenting Trainings and Workshops
For details and registration visit www.jssa.org/service/workshops-and-groups/
Collaborative Divorce Services
Call 301-610-8381 or visit www.JSSA.org
Collaborative divorce assists couples in reaching an agreement and resolving conflicts by using cooperative techniques
rather than adversarial strategies.
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JEWISH RESOURCES
Books
On Divorce
1. Divorce is a Mitzvah: A Practical Guide to Finding Wholeness and Holiness When Your Marriage Dies, by Rabbi
Perry Netter, Jewish Lights, 2002
2. When There Is No Other Alternative, by Rabbi Sandy Seltzer, New York: UAHC Press, 2000
3. How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed: A Memoir of Starting Over by Theo Pauline Nestor. Broadway Books,
2009
4. Falling Apart in One Piece: One Optimist’s Journey Through the Hell of Divorce by Stacy Morrison. Simon &
Schuster, 2010
5. Transformational Divorce: Discover Yourself, Reclaim Your Dreams, and Embrace Life’s Unlimited Possibilities by
Karen Kahn Wilson. New Harbinger Publications, 2003
On Marriage and Relationships
1. Beyond the Chuppah: A Jewish Guide to Happy Marriages, by R. Levine. San Francisco: Jessey-Bass, 2001
On Parenting Children through Divorce
1. Parenting As a Spiritual Journey: Deepening Ordinary & Extraordinary Events into Sacred Occasions, by Nancy
Fuchs-Kreimer. Woodstock, Vt.:Jewish Lights Publishing,1996
2. When Your Jewish Child Asks Why: Answers for Tough Questions, Ktav Publishing, 1993, pp 161-165 on divorce
3. Co-Parenting Works!: Helping Your Children Thrive After Divorce by Tammy Daughtry Zondervan, 2011
4. The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive. Viking
Books, 2004
On Grieving & Healing
1. The Empty Chair: Finding Hope and Joy - Timeless Wisdom from a Hasidic Master, Rebbe Nachman of Breslov.
Breslov Research Institute. (Woodstock, VT.: Jewish Lights Publishing, 1994).
2. The Gentle Weapon: Prayers for Every- day and Not-So-Everyday Moments - Timeless Wisdom from the
Teachings of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov. Breslov Research Institute. (Jewish Lights Publishing, 1999)
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JEWISH RESOURCES
Articles, Websites, Organizations
Articles
3. Divorce as Bereavement: Where Were My Cakes and Casseroles? By Sandra Winicur [included in packet]
http://www.ritualwell.org/ritual/divorce-bereavement-where-were-my-cakes-and-casseroles
4. Divorce Etiquette – An interview with Rabbi Edythe Held Mencher (Union for Reform Judaism's Faculty for
Sacred Community, clinical social worker) and Marsha Elser (marital and family lawyer)
www.reformjudaism.org/divorce-etiquette
5. When Jews Divorce: What Do We Tell Our Children? By Rabbi John L. Rosove
www.reformjudaism.org/when-jews-divorce-what-do-we-tell-our-children
6. Renewing the Ritual of Get. By Rabbi Or Rose & Dr. Judith Rose
http://www.ritualwell.org/ritual/renewing-ritual-get
Website
1. Ritualwell.org – many creative Jewish rituals and articles on separation, divorce, healing and re-marriage
Organizations Assisting with Halachic Divorce
1. Agunah International - 212-249-4523; http://www.AgunahInternational.com
Provides its own beit din which is extremely proactive in granting gitten to agunot when other rabbinical courts
fail to do so. Also provides counseling and financial assistance to agunot in need.
2. The Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance (JOFA) - 1-888-550-JOFA; http://www.jofa.org
Offers a thorough guide to the process of getting a get, a glossary and extensive reference material about Jewish
law and the problems of agunot.
3. G.E.T.; Getting Equitable Treatment; 718-677-1033
Provides confidential assistance in obtaining a Get. Services include information about Jewish divorce, referrals to
rabbinic courts and agencies, community education and case management. G.E.T. assigns an impartial agent
who will aid in mobilizing community members to apply social pressure on a recalcitrant spouse.
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JEWISH RESOURCES - Article
Divorce as Bereavement: Where Were My Cakes & Casseroles?
By Sandra Winicur
A month after my divorce I went to my Temple for my father's Yahrzeit. At the Oneg Shabbat after services I was
approached by an old acquaintance.
"Sandra," she said, "I was really surprised to hear that you got a divorce."
"I was pretty surprised myself," I said.
"You both always looked so compatible," she continued. "I had no idea your marriage was in such trouble."
"No," I said. "neither did I."
She patted my arm. "Well," she said, "statistics tell us that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. I guess we just have to
expect that kind of thing," and she started to leave.
I called her back. "Would you be very upset if your husband died?" I asked
"Of course I would," she answered.
"I don't see why," I said. "Statistics tell us that 100% of all marriages that don't end in divorce end in death. We just have
to expect that kind of thing."
She looked annoyed. "It's totally different," she said.
Another friend, widowed some years back, was listening. "It's different, all right," she said. "Death is easier to deal with."
It took a while for that to sink in, but after a few months I began to focus on the fact that for many, perhaps most,
women leaving a long-standing marriage, divorce is as much of a bereavement as death, and complicated by three
factors:
1. The lack of permission to grieve – there is a feeling, both personally and from the community, that mourning
is an inappropriate response;
2. The lack of an established support system for divorce – divorce disrupts and alters the a woman's usual
support system – spouse, children, relatives, in-laws, friends, synagogue, Sisterhood;
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3. The scarcity of good behavioral role models – I knew very well how to be a Jewish widow. I'd seen many
models. I was totally unprepared to be a Jewish divorcee.
We in the Jewish community have no good pattern either for being divorced or for dealing with divorced women. The
end of a marriage, whether by divorce or by death, is an event to mourn, but the Jewish community is not sufficiently
sensitive to the divorced woman's need for a mourning ritual and for grief support.
Grief – A woman in a long-standing marriage is committed to the marriage as much as to the husband. There may have
been problems, but that has only increased her commitment and pride that problems were being overcome.
Marriage and family therapist Marsha Brook, Associate Director of Madison Center, a community mental health center
in South Bend, Indiana, says that “. . . the end of a long tern marriage is the shattering of a dream . . . In the generation
of women married prior to the ‘70’s, to divorce is perceived as to fail in the most devastating of ways. We were bred to
marry for life . . . especially if we married Jewish men!” Disruption of such a marriage by divorce rather than by death
causes its own heartaches, six of which I'd like to identify here:
Rewriting the past – While both death and divorce change the present and the future, only divorce changes the past.
Were the good times, the shared goals, the commitment to the future, all an illusion? Didn't he appreciate how she tried
to be there for him? Realizing how much essential communication has been lacking gives a woman a sense of having
been betrayed, as she wonders what was really going on for the past several years.
Fury – Note, I don't say "anger." Anger doesn't BEGIN to describe the feelings of betrayal, now that the one person she
was most accustomed to turning to for support has not died, but has passed judgment on her and turned away. I
remember, in the first year after my own divorce, repeatedly telling people about a cartoon I had seen several years
back. It was a snowy scene in the steppes of Russia, and a couple in a sleigh were beating the horses to try to escape
from a pack of wolves tearing after the sleigh in hungry pursuit. Leading the pack was a small dog, and the woman was
saying, "When I think of all we've done for that dog. . ." That's how I felt.
Embarrassment – A divorce often makes a woman feel like a victim. In our culture, there is a sense of shame about being
a victim, about being singled out by fate. We in the American middle-class believe we should have control over our
destiny, and are embarrassed when surrounded by those who seem to be more successful at it than we were.
Disruption of the family – Like it or not, the family, especially the children, are now torn apart in a way that does not
occur with death. One or both of the parents is probably angry, and the children are definitely angry, at some level angry
at BOTH of these people they love for destroying their home. Extended family are also in chaos, and family occasions will
never be the same. (When my ex-husband told my mother-in-law that he was getting a divorce, her first sentence was,
"Oh no, now there'll be no more simchas.")
Financial changes – It has been shown repeatedly that divorce generally lowers a woman's standard of living more than
death of a spouse does, and more than occurs for a man. This is an especially poignant problem if children are involved.
Guilt and regrets – With the eternal rehashing that accompanies divorce, with time and distance in which to think, with
counseling, it becomes easier to see the forces that led to the breakup. This new understanding of self is often
accompanied by the feeling that perhaps if this understanding had come sooner the divorce could have been avoided.
While this assumption may be erroneous, it brings its own set of regrets and guilts. We divorced women often have the
feeling that we didn't do the best we could.
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The tendency to self-blame, for so many of us a part of our heritage, may be fed by self-exonerating statements from
the ex-spouse of such nature as . . .
"You cared about the kids more than about me . . ."
"I always resented the way things were going but you never noticed . . ."
"We never did the things I wanted to do . . ."
“I still love you but I want more out of life . . . "
"I'm not fulfilled . . ."
“It's my turn now . . ."
and my own personal favorite: "You gained too much weight . . ."
So here we have the newly-divorced woman from a long-standing marriage, definitely in mourning, definitely grieving as
much as a widow is grieving, but at the same time too angry to grieve, feeling that grieving is inappropriate, and with no
idea of how to grieve appropriately in this situation.
Where does she turn for help?
After several years of thinking about this, often audibly, I believe that we, and when I say "we" I mean friends, Temple or
synagogue, Sisterhood, lack patterns for treating divorce, just as the divorced women lack models for being divorced.
Friends
If my husband had died, everyone would have known what to do. The house would have been filled with cakes and
casseroles, as the community visited, sat, prayed. The children and I would have taken a week off to bury him and
grieve, while our friends and acquaintances came in to feed us and reminisce. We would have said Kaddish for him for
eleven months. Then we would have put a stone on his grave, and resumed our lives.
After my divorce, I was definitely in mourning. Where were my cakes and casseroles?
People do the best they know. When I think of what my own inappropriate past responses have been to divorced
friends, I cringe.
Many people called me once. "Call if you need me," they said. As a friend of mine said a few months ago, "You never
really understand a need until you feel it yourself."
Most people assumed that my primary emotion was anger and my primary goal revenge, and by supporting that, helped
to make it so.
Standard comments made to me, repeatedly, were:
"You're still attractive. You'll find someone else soon."
Imagine saying that to a recent widow, as if men were interchangeable, and the important thing was to just have one,
any one.
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"What a jerk! I never really liked him that much."
Great – what did that make me for staying around so long?
"You're better off without him."
Imagine saying THAT to a recent widow.
"It couldn't have been all bad. You have such lovely children."
Now that's a real conversation stopper.
Nothing. – worst thing of all to say . . .
Friends also sent books. I have a shelf of uplifting books given to me about divorce, self-realization, grief recovery. For
anyone else in the same situation, I have some valuable advice. If you find yourself with a similar shelf of books, DON'T
READ THEM. They're depressing. If someone offers you a book, ask for a murder mystery. It's much more therapeutic.
So, that's what we don't do for a recently divorced friend. What do we do?
1. Come after her – those of us who are newly divorced know we're lousy company. We desperately need to tell our
story, like Coleridge’s "Ancient Mariner," but unlike him, we really don't want to inflict ourselves on anyone.
The most helpful friends I had were those who, having been there before, told me "Don't expect to be normal for a
year," and then just listened.
2. Feed and exercise her – after the divorce, I certainly wasn't eating right. I needed those cakes and casseroles. I
needed to be invited to dinner. I needed exercise – and will always be thankful for one friend who modified her
schedule so I could walk with her on a daily basis, and for another who set a permanent place for me at her table
and kept reminding me that it was there.
3. Include her – one friend said "Join my book club." Another friend took me to the symphony several times. You've got
the idea.
Temple, Sisterhood and Ritual
One well-documented aspect of older women experiencing divorce is their newly developed negative attitudes toward
the rabbi and the synagogue or Temple. These feelings are generally characterized by hostility to the rabbi and to
Judaism, and self-exile from the synagogue.
Jewish women, especially those with traditional family attitudes, feel that Judaism implies she is responsible for keeping
the family together. It is common for a woman to pull away from the synagogue after a divorce, because the divorce
seems to contradict the family-based orientation the woman has had there for all these years.
This alienation is a special problem in many congregations because so many services are taken up with B'nai Mitzvot,
with their attendant crowds, excitements and memories. There is less and less opportunity for regular prayer on a
weekly basis for those dealing with pain and grief, or even just for those who want an opportunity to maintain contact
with their Jewish spirituality. This is an issue that congregations need to address as their ranks grow, and more and more
young families join, orienting observance around the needs of children and families.
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Many synagogues now hold healing services for anyone in need of healing – those who are mourning, those who are ill,
those who simply need healing. Such services effectively meet the needs of those in need of healing outside of the
festive mood of the Shabbat service.
At present, however, there are things that can be done to avoid losing divorced women from the ranks:
· Call them for specific committee assignments.
· Ask them to teach in Sunday school.
· Call them to help out on special programs.
· Ask them to do readings or aliyot on High Holy days and other holidays.
· Think about the person's unique skills and find a way to use them.
· Ask them to help someone else who is experiencing similar problems.
And keep calling, even after getting refusals. Keep insisting that this person belongs in Temple. Keep trying to
incorporate her in major activities.
Above all, don't let her slip through the cracks. After being a member of the Sisterhood for 20 years, what with the
divorce and with moving twice, somehow I neglected to pay my Sisterhood dues one year. The next year, I wasn't on the
Sisterhood list. That should never have happened.
Many Temples and synagogues put their main effort here in trying to incorporate divorced people into singles groups.
While laudable, this does not help the person stay connected to Jewish observance. It just reinforces the feeling of not
belonging in the mainstream of what the Temple is all about.
Another major problem for the divorced woman is the lack of a ritual with which to achieve closure. Death has its own
rituals, but divorce does not. Unlike mourners of a physical death, one who mourns the end of a marriage digs no grave,
and has no shivah. No one brings food, or stays to offer comfort.
Several women's groups have invented their own divorce rituals, which have been published in various Jewish sources.
Often these rituals include blessings especially designed for the situation. As far back as the Spring issue of 1993, Lilith, a
Jewish women's magazine, suggested:
Blessed is the One who separates and makes distinctions.
Blessed is the One who enables us to make transformations and new beginnings.
But these invented rituals were generally devised to fit into a pre-existing situation, such as a Rosh Hodesh women's
group, or a havurah. There is something self-conscious about inventing a ritual and also finding an appropriate locale in
which to perform it.
Since my ketubah was Orthodox, I wanted an Orthodox get. It took me two years of asking and some help from my
children to obtain it, but the sense of closure it gave me was immediate. I think the advantage was that it was an
established ritual, with definite motions and behaviors that I had to perform. Women in less traditional congregations
are trying to create an appropriate ceremony that is more suitable to our liturgy, but gives the same sense of
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involvement and finality. An article in the March, 2005 Sh’ma by Or N. Rose and Judith Rosenbaum speaks to this issue
poignantly and describes efforts that are being made to ritualize the get more meaningfully.
Adult Children
Not infrequently, divorces that occur later in life occur when the youngest child goes off to college. The assumption is
that the children are adults now and will be less affected by it. However, for young adult children, this may be one of the
most devastating experiences of their lives. They are faced with the paradox of mourning for a broken family whose
members are still alive, a very stressful and depressing situation.
A 1991 book by Noelle Fintushel and Nancy Hillard, called A Grief Out of Season, indicates that students who have just
started college are especially devastated by parental divorce. Everyone has heard the classic remark of the returning
college student – "You moved my bed. Didn't you think I was coming back?" They've gone off to be independent,
rebellious and exploratory, secure in their homes and backgrounds, and as soon as they turn their backs, everything that
they counted on has dissolved. The family they expected to come back to is gone, the home they grew up in is gone,
their old friends are away at school with new lives, and they have not yet established a support system in their new
locale. In addition, the student's financial security may be compromised or eroded.
To make matters worse, they are often so consumed with adolescent issues, realizing that they're not as independent
and ready to leave home as they thought they were, that they may put off dealing with the emotional crisis, and refuse
to accept help. In addition, they may withdraw from school or perform poorly out of anger at the people who had
encouraged them to succeed, and who have suddenly betrayed expectations and standards taught for twenty years.
Older children of divorcing parents are often isolated, with no skills to deal with their new situation, and no idea of how
to react. The community needs to reach out to them too.
Some friends of the child literally do not understand why their friend is so distraught when both parents are still alive
and available. Divorce is so common that such a strong reaction seems inappropriate. Since their own homes are intact,
they still believe in their own independence.
On the other hand, close friends who have grown up with the child may be frightened. As one of my daughter's friends
said to me, "If there's one thing I know for sure it's that my parents would never get a divorce. But if there was another
thing I knew for sure it was that you and your husband would never get a divorce. I really don't know anything for sure
any more."
Conclusion
The operative idea in all of this is "Caring." If we care enough, we can create an environment of warmth and support for
those who need it.
Some years ago, when I was hospitalized with pneumonia, the Sisterhood chair of L'Havdil made sure a gift was there for
me when I came home. When I called to thank her, she said that she had been hesitant to do it, because she didn't really
know me. I told her: "Caring is like a massage. It doesn't matter if you don't know the person who gives it. It still feels
good."
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JEWISH RESOURCES
Texts on Divorce
Text 1: Sanhedrin 7a
“When love was strong, we could have made out bed on a sword-blade; now that our love has grown weak, a bed of
sixty cubits [roughly 90 feet] is not large enough for us.”
Text 2: Deuteronomy 24:1
“A man takes a wife and is a husband unto her. She fails to please him because he finds something unseemly about her,
and he writes her a bill of divorcement, hands it to her, and sends her away from his house.”
Rashi comments on Deut. 24:1 - “It is a mitzvah to divorce her.”
Text 4: Rabbi Perry Netter in his book, Divorce is a Mitzvah
“Divorce is no less a life transition then marriage. But no invitations are sent out to attend the ritual. No one hires a
caterer, a band, a photographer. Divorce is not about the division of property; it is about the division of lives. Closure
rarely comes with the decree of dissolution issued by the court. Closure comes when all the parties to the marriage are
allowed to be present at the divorce. Closure comes when God is allowed to take a seat at the table.”
Text 5: Gittin 90b
“When a couple divorces, even the altar sheds a tear.”
Text 6: Gittin 93
“You may marry whomever you choose...You are on your own.” (Note: this is standard language used in a get document)
Text 7: Divorced From My Husband, and My Faith by Tova Mirvis
I stood before the panel of rabbis, waiting to have a religious divorce conferred upon me. I was dressed as the Orthodox
Jewish woman I was supposed to be, modestly, in a below-the-knee navy skirt and buttoned cardigan. But I felt exposed.
What kind of shameful woman, I imagined the rabbis thinking, leaves her marriage; what kind of mother uproots her
life?
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JEWISH RESOURCES
Prayers and Rituals for Divorce
1. Egalitarian Get Ceremony
http://www.ritualwell.org/ritual/egalitarian-get-jewish-divorce-ritual
2. Prayer for a Couple in the Midst of Divorce by Rabbi Naomi Levy
Our marriage is over, Gd. It really does feel like a death. The death of our dreams, our hopes, our home, our love, our life
together.
Help us, Gd, save us both from vindictiveness and cruelty. Let us not prolong this divorce. Teach us a way to move
forward with decency, integrity, and honesty. Show us how to divide our assets fairly, to determine our children's
custody and future wisely.
Give us the strength, God, to part with dignity and grace in honor of the life we once shared. Amen.
3. Prayer for Healing from the Pain of Divorce by Rabbi Naomi Levy
I am holding it all together on the outside, Gd, but inside my heart is crushed. I never imagine the future without
him/her. I never imagine myself without him/her.
Help me, Gd. Give me the courage to face the past and to learn from it. Remind me to take the time to grieve for all that
is no more. I feel so alone. Be with me, Gd. Teach me to believe that there is hope for me, that I will find love again.
Heal my heart, Gd. Fill me with the strength to gather up all the broken pieces, and begin again. Amen.
4. A Ritual of Release [intended to be used prior to get ceremony] by Rabbis Paula Marcus, Eli Cohen, and Lori
Klein, published in KEREM: Creative Explorations in Judaism, 5768
Opening Reading
Everything has its appointed hour;
There is a time for all things under heaven:
There is a time for relationship, for being set apart from others in kiddushin, and sometimes, there is a time for
separating. This is a time to begin separating.
Kiddushin is a circle of two.
We will now open the circle.
Where there have been knots, let there be an untying, an unbinding.
Where there has been holding, let there be release.
Let there be a time for reflection, feeling, and movement toward a new wholeness.
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Un-Circling
(Explanation to be read to the couple and any witnesses)
Ana B’Koach is a prayer ascribed to the first century sage Rabbi Nechuniah ben Hakanah. The prayer contains 42 words,
the initials of which comprise the secret unpronounceable 42-letter name of God. The first line asks the Holy One to
unbind the bonds that tie us and to remove all obstacles. Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi teaches that it is a prayer of
transition — to be prayed at the time of death, or when moving from the end of the week into Shabbat, or, as now, for
the two of you, at the moment of change in the status of your relationship.
You walked seven circles during your kiddushin ceremony in the process of binding yourselves to each other. As we
chant the seven lines of this prayer, we ask you now to unbind yourselves by tracing these seven circles in reverse. As
you walk this path, feel the ties release as you walk away from your union. We pray that the Holy One will be with you,
guiding you on this journey of unbinding.
(While the Bet Din and any witnesses chant the first three lines of Ana B’Koach,— in English or Hebrew or both — one
member of the couple “uncircles” the other by walking backwards, tracing three circles around the other who stands still.
For the next three lines, the second partner “uncircles” three times, while the first partner stands still. Both stand still for
the final line.)
Sing Ana B’Koach, and then read in English
(Clergy) Be still in the knowledge that the Holy One is holding you now and at all times. (Couple stands still)
(Clergy) Barukh shem k’vod malkhuto l’olam va’ed. Blessed is the name of Gd’s kingdom forever and ever.
Declaration of Release and Blessing for Walking on Individual Paths
(Clergy) When you were first drawn together, you found Shekhinah, the Divine Presence, abiding with you. She now calls
to you to find Her elsewhere. She calls to you to release each other to come more fully into your own.
(Clergy hands a “declaration of release” to each member of the couple, which they take turns reading it to each other.)
I, ____________, release you ____________, from the sacred bonds that held us together. You are free and responsible
for your life, just as I am free and responsible for my life.
(Clergy asks both members of the couple to take hold of their ketubah and hand it to the rabbi.)
(Clergy) Just as I now, on behalf of your community, hold your ketubah for you, know that your community holds you—
both of you, and each of you.
(Clergy blesses each member of the couple using his or her Hebrew name as the basis for the blessing.)
(Clergy) Barukh atah...matir asurim. Blessed is the One who releases the bound.
(Clergy takes possession of the ketubah temporarily; it will be used again during the get ritual and then permanently
taken from the couple.)
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Yad Lagrushot – A New Ritual for the Divorced Woman
By Rabbi Diane Cohen - published in Conservative Judaism, 1992, vol XLIV, no. 4
After receiving her get, the g'rushah returns to her own home, where she is met by a minyan of her friends, chosen by her
to be her welcoming community. (Men as well as women may be included. Depending on the community, the presence of
one or more men may invalidate the minyan, so the gender mix is up to the woman's feelings and traditions.) At the door
she is handed a basin, a pitcher of water (or n'tilat yadayim cup) and a towel.
Before washing, she says: Without loss, there is no growth.
She washes, first one hand then the next, then says:
I praise You, Source of Strength, who helps us make separations between what has passed and what is yet to be.
Community: Amen.
The community escorts her into the main room where the service will take place. Chairs are arranged in a circle, with a
special pillow or throw-rug on one chair, designated for the g'rushah. (Groups may sit on the floor, depending on the age
and flexibility of the members.) When all are seated, the members of the community take turns reading the following. It
may be divided into enough parts for all those present except the g'rushah.
In the beginning, there was a dream. This was a dream of love, of family, of future.
Some of us dreamed this dream because of the home in which we lived.
Some of us dreamed this dream despite the home in which we lived.
As human hearts will, we reached out for someone we thought would help to make our dreams come true.
Some of us were able to come close to our dream. Others were not.
Today/Tonight, we gather to lay to rest one dream of our friend (English, first name only).
No one person is responsible for the death of this dream.
No one person's hard work could have kept the dream alive.
When you received your get, (name), you heard the sound of tears.
Those tears were yours. They were ours. They were Gd's.
When a man divorces his wife, even the stones of the Temple altar weep.2
When you entered this room, the water that washed your hands helped put your past behind you.
Water can also mean the hastening of new life.
May your tears join with the waters of separation, and may each tear take you one step closer to the day when you
come to know a truly remarkable woman--yourself.
The path you now follow is unknown to you, but we are all on paths we never have traveled before.
Please know that you are not alone.
We are with you. We care about you. We will not abandon you.
And beyond us, you are not alone.
By this time, everyone in the circle should have had a chance to read. A previously appointed leader goes to the table
where the food will be served, to light candles. No motions are made and no b'rakhah is recited, but after the candles are
lit, this leader says:
This light symbolizes the light of God in our midst. May God's light illumine your way, and bring you comfort in the
darkest night.
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The leader returns to the circle, and the less formal part of the service begins. The circle encourages the g'rushah to talk
about her feelings about her ex-husband, the get experience, her hopes and fears for the future. Women in the group
who have been divorced may gently encourage her by commenting on their own experiences. The community must allow
her to talk without denying the anger, guilt or bitterness she feels. The group should also help her put her feelings into
perspective. After the g'rushah seems to have exhausted her need to talk, she reads the following:
Adonai is my light and my help. Whom should I fear?
Adonai is the stronghold of my life. Whom should I dread?
When evildoers assail me to devour my flesh,
it is they, my foes and my enemies, who stumble and fall.
Should an army besiege me, my heart would have no fear;
should war beset me, still would I be confident.3
Vindicate me, Adonai, for I have walked without blame;
I have trusted in Adonai; I have not faltered.4
Hear, Adonai, when I cry aloud; have mercy on me, answer me.
In Your behalf my heart says: "Seek My face!"
Adonai, I seek Your face. Do not hide Your face from me;
do not thrust aside Your servant in anger; You have ever been my help.
Do not forsake me, do not abandon me, O God, my deliverer.
Though my father and mother abandon me, Adonai will take me in.
Show me Your way, Adonai, and lead me on a level path because of my watchful foes.
Do not subject me to the will of my foes,
for false witnesses and unjust accusers have appeared against me.5
Adonai, I set my hope on You; my God, in You I trust; may I not be disappointed.6
The g'rushah now rises and takes the item set aside for the k'ri'ah and says:
A part of my life is over, a piece of who I am is gone. With this keri'ah (she rips now) I remove that part and acknowledge
that it is gone forever. [The torn item should be discarded.]
The group now rises and the g'rushah leads them in kaddish yatom (the text is not reproduced here but can be found in
any siddur). The g'rushah then circles the room in which the service is being held and says:
This is my home, my domain. All within these walls is mine. (If she chooses, she may say this more than once as she
makes her circuit.)
All gather for the meal, preceded by Hamotzi recited by the g'rushah. Following the meal, birkat hamazon should be
sung. Regardless of who the leader is, the line asking for God's blessings on the head of the house (HaRachaman, hu
y'varekh et ba'alat ha-bayit ha-zeh, otah v'et kol asher lah... ) should he said together to emphasize the woman's new
role as head of her household.
After the meal, when the community is ready to leave, the appointed leader should say:
One may lie down weeping at nightfall; but at dawn there are shouts of joy.7 Mourn tonight, but tomorrow get up from
mourning and begin placing your feet, one step at a time, on the path that leads forward into your future.
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JEWISH RESOURCES
A Year of Ritual Practices for Healing After Divorce
(Source unknown – please share with Rabbi James Kahn at [email protected] if discovered)
Rosh Hashanah
Tashlich is a ritual of letting go. When we throw bread into water at Tashlich, we know it is not gone; but it is no longer
ours. As the water carries these crumbs away, we feel a sense of relief, and sometimes closure. The ritual does not
cleanse us of our sins, but marks the transformation we have undergone throughout a process. We identify the struggles
and mistakes we no longer need to carry around with us and we give them to the water.
This year, we will use this ritual to mark yet another transition-- from being married, to being single again. The ritual of
Tashlich allows us to turn to the water for support and relief.
What do we need to let go of? What do we need to stop carrying alone?
As you throw the bread into the water, recite the following prayer:
May this water carry the burdens which I choose not to bear alone in the coming year. In this time of learning to
let go, may God help me to trust in the cleansing power of this water, to know that it is strong enough to carry
what I no longer need to. In casting off these burdens, may I find relief and closure.
Sukkot
(Could be done at home, or at a community sukkah)
The sukkah reminds us of the temporariness of life’s structures. It is not only a mitzvah to build a sukkah, but also to take
it down. The sukkah teaches us that a structure doesn’t need to last forever, to be sacred. When we intentionally
disassemble our sukkah, we remember that sometimes we must tear down in order to rebuild. The sukkah teaches us
that there is holiness in deconstructing.
As you take apart the sukkah (unscrew a bolt, or pull down the decorations) recite the following:
I stand here today, deconstructing this sukkah, in this year of deconstructing my former marriage. May God
guide me in the art of tearing down, and help me to make space to rebuild anew. May the slow process of takingapart be healing and life-giving. May I discard the parts that are no longer needed, and hold-on to that which is
cherished. May the pieces of this structure rearrange to become the chomer (material) of the new life I will build.
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Hanukkah
Hanukkah is the story of a group of people who chose to fill their darkest moments with light. It is the story of a people
who watched as their sacred Temple was destroyed, and when it was all over, chose to fill the ruins with the light of the
menorah.
Hanukkah finds us in the darkest season of our year. This year, Hanukkah finds us in a dark season of our life. The
commandment to light candles teaches us that sometimes, it is up to us to add the light. One candle at a time, we fill the
darkness with a light that shines from our windows and hearts.
This year, to mark your first Hanukkah beyond your marriage, take the menorah out a day early; the night before the
first night of Hanukkah. Set up the menorah with all 8 candles.
Light them all! Don’t say any blessings. Instead, as you watch the lights burn down, read the following:
God, give me the strength to sit in a moment of darkness. When these candles burn down, remind me that
tomorrow I will begin to re-light. Help me to be patient. Help me to be brave. And starting tomorrow, help me to
create new light, one candle at a time.
Tu Bishvat
Tu Bishvat is the holiday of the trees. The day reminds us that we are just one small part of creation. The vastness of
God’s world can leave us feeling lonely and small. It can also remind us that we are inextricably connected to everything
around us, and in this way, never really alone. Letting go of a marriage means learning what it means to be alone,
without disconnecting from our communities and world.
Take a solo-walk in nature. Find a local park, or trail. Find a path that is well traveled by you, or one that you have never
walked. As you walk, notice how it feels to be alone. Notice how it feels to be accompanied by God’s world.
When you find yourself alone, in nature, recite the following:
God, I come today to cry out to you alone. Without a partner by my side, I face a new independence and solitude.
Help me to re-learn what it means to be alone. Help me draw strength from autonomy. You, who are One, teach
me to be one.
God, I come today to cry out to you among the fullness and wholeness of your world. Together with the diversity
of creation, I call to you, God. Be with me. Accompany me through your world. Knowing that oneness is solitude,
but also unity, help me to find connection in new and unexpected relationships and places. Shine your face upon
me and help me to never feel alone.
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Purim
The megilla is the story of a woman’s courage. Esther alone is empowered to change her fate, and the fate of those she
loves. Fearful and alone, she chooses to take action. Caring for ourselves and our families after a marriage has ended can
feel as daunting as risking our lives. Relationships and activities that felt simple and easy before, may now feel scary or
even paralyzing. Yet, there are certain tasks we must do for ourselves. Nobody can do them for us.
In honor of this first Purim on your own: Do something brave. Make a difficult phone call. Venture to a place that makes
you fearful. Push yourself just outside of the comfortable.
Purim is a chance to dress up and pretend to be who we are not. Just for today, pretend you are braver than you are.
Pretend you are Queen Esther. Be the heroine.
Before engaging in your heroic act, recite the following:
I call upon the strength and courage of Queen Esther. As I stand here, poised to take a risk, I call upon her will
and her determination. With Esther as my guide, I strive to be braver. I remember there is important work to be
done, and I am not only capable, but compelled to act.
Passover
On Passover, we sit around the Seder table, and we tell God, Dayenu--It would have been enough. But we know, of
course, that it is never enough. God may have saved us from slavery, fed us in the desert, given us the Torah, and stayed
by our side all the way, and we may still not feel as though we have actually arrived at the promised land. But we
continue to sing, Dayenu.
Dayenu is a state of mind. It is the ability to view each miracle as miraculous. To stop, after each step, and thank God. To
remember, that although it will never be enough, it is already enough now.
Write a To-Do list. As you complete each item on your list, write the word “Dayenu.” Maybe even sing it. Tell yourself
that what you have done is enough; what you have done is extraordinary.
Before you begin to tackle the list, recite the following:
God, all of the work is not done. All of the meals are not cooked. All of the problems are not solved, and they
never will be. But in this moment what I have done is enough. I am enough.
God, all of your work is not done. All of your people are not fed. All of your world’s problems are not solved. But
what you have given me is miraculous. You are my God, and I am grateful. Dayenu.
Omer Counting
Change is slow. Growth is incremental. The dramatic exodus from slavery does not lead us directly to revelation, but to
forty years of wandering in the desert, putting one foot in front of the other. The same is true for our transitions out of a
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marriage, and into the next stage of our life. It is a slow, and calculated progression. As we count the days of the Omer,
the days between Passover and Shavuot, we pause to mark and acknowledge our own slow path towards growth,
acceptance, and perhaps someday, revelation.
Collect 40 of something (beans, marbles, beads, stones) and two jars or bowls. On the night of the first Seder one bowl is
full, the other is empty. As you count the Omer each night, move one stone into the second bowl. Watch as the second
bowl begins to fill, slowly.
When does it feel half done? When does it feel like real progress has been made?
Each night, as you move the one stone, recite the following:
Today I took one small step. Although I cannot know my destination, I continue to move forward, committed to a
belief in the power of small, incremental change. Some days I am led by God’s bright pillar of fire. Some days I
feel lost in a cloud. But today, and every day to come, I continue to move.
Shavuot
Shavuot is the holiday of harvest. In fall we planted. For months we worried and prayed, never sure if enough rain would
fall to nourish the seeds in the ground. Shavuot marks the move into a time of clarity, security, and abundance. After a
cold winter, Shavuot brings with it the ease and warmth of summer. We take a collective sigh of relief and release.
Jewish tradition chooses this moment in the cycle of seasons to celebrate the receiving of Torah. The holiday of Shavuot
is about reaping and sharing from life’s overflowing cup.
Shavuot reminds us that there will come a time when worry and uncertainty is behind us. Divorce can feel as risky as
depending on rain in a dry desert. On Shavuot we remember that safety is possible, balance can be restored, and clarity
will come. Our own clarity might come now, or it might still be off in the distance. In the rhythm of the Jewish calendar,
we are invited into the safest moment of the year. We are invited to feel full, satiated, warm, and secure.
Out of gratitude for this plenty, ancient Jews offered sacrifices for the holiday. In addition to offerings of fruits from the
first crop, there was a special Shavuot offering of two “twin-loaves” of bread. The multiple loaves represent the
abundance of the holiday.
Through the incremental change of the Omer, the bread of affliction we ate on Passover has transformed into two full,
risen loafs of abundance.
This year, you may feel thankful for your personal abundance, or you may yearn for that feeling of abundance. Mark
these feelings by taking the opportunity to bake your own loaves of bread. You can start from scratch, or purchase
frozen challah dough that will rise on your counter top.
As you remove the warm, baked loaves from your oven, recite the following:
May the warmth of this bread fill this kitchen and my soul. May the sweet, soothing smell offer shelter for my
worries. May this offering of twin-loaves bring gratitude, security, and peace. I am ready to feel balanced. I am
ready to feel safe. I am ready for summer.
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Tisha B’av
On Tisha B’av we allow ourselves to mourn. Hundreds of years after the destruction of the temple, we acknowledge that
some losses will continue to sting. This is a year of loss. We cannot always feel the extent of the grief that accompanies
the loss of a marriage. We work hard to “keep it together” and “get through the day.” On Tisha B’av we permit ourselves
to step outside of routine, to leave aside the need for joy, and allow ourselves to sit on the floor and cry.
There is a tradition on Tisha B’av of reading Kinnot-- poems of lament. These laments have been written throughout
history by Jews longing to call out to God from their darkest places. Take this day of mourning to create your own
lament. Detail all of what makes your situation hard. Don’t hold back. Let it flow from deep and shallow places. It
doesn’t have to rhyme. It doesn’t even need to make sense.
Before you begin, or after you are done, recite the following:
God, accept this offering of lament. Because life has handed me too much, and too little. Because in this
moment, I am not afraid to admit that the burdens are too heavy and the demands too great. I call out to you in
sadness, loneliness, and anger. I call to you, laden with guilt and righteous indignation. God, you must listen.
Witness my pain. Honor my struggle. Hear me. See me. And be with me.
End of 11 months of Ritual
There is a Jewish tradition to recite Kaddish for eleven months after the death of a close relative. Eleven months is
intentionally one month short of a full year. Our mourning process may never be done, not after a year, maybe not for a
lifetime. When we stop performing rituals of mourning at eleven months, we remind ourselves that one more month
would not have been enough. This ending is artificial and incomplete. We intentionally cut our year short, and set aside
that final month to begin the adjustment back into a “normal” life. This has been a year of grappling with the loss of your
marriage. You may choose to end this year of ritual after only eleven months. You can mark this transition with the
following ritual.
The mikveh is a Jewish ritual pool used in transitional moments. Immersing in a mikveh can mark your readiness to end
this chapter, and begin what comes next. Find an indoor mikveh or any natural body of water where you feel
comfortable. You can go alone, or with a friend. Before entering the mikveh, recite the following:
May the waters of this mikveh touch every inch of my body, reminding me that I am whole. In affirming my wholeness,
may this water allow me to let go of letting-go, and be open to the joy and challenges of what comes next. May I emerge
from these waters feeling full.
Immerse yourself completely under the water three times. Make sure that your entire body is covered by water,
including your hair. After each immersion, recite the words: I am whole.
When you emerge from the water you can recite the following blessing, thanking God for bringing you to this moment:
Baruch atta Adonai Elokeinu melekh ha’olam she-ecḥeyanu ve’qi’eh’manu ve’higiy’anu laz’man hazeh.
Blessed are You, Lord, our Gd, ruler of the Universe, who has granted me life, sustained me through this
transition and enabled me to reach this moment.
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GENERAL RESOURCES ON DIVORCE
The Divorced Kids’ Manifesto
By Kate Scharff, LCSW-C, LICSW
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
Don’t criticize each other in front of us. Rolling your eyes counts. After a few years we might stop telling you
how much we hate it. We never stop hating it. And by the way– we overhear about ninety-five percent of your
phone conversations.

If we tell you something bad that happened at the other parent’s house, just listen. Maybe try to be supportive
or help us figure out how to cope. We hate it when you have a conniption and run to the phone. Plus, we can
tell when you’re secretly psyched that it’s not all paradise “over there.” That sucks, too.

We know it’s hard to be a single parent. We already feel bad about it. So don’t hit us over the head with it every
time we groan about unloading the dishwasher. If you want us to help out more, just say so. But we’ll still groan,
because we’re kids.

Don’t tell us horror stories about your divorce. We can’t handle hearing about the cheating and the money
shenanigans and all that adult business.

There might be times when we want to spend more time with one of you than the other. Don’t take it
personally. We’ll probably feel differently next month.

When you think one of us resembles our other parent please don’t act disgusted. Comments like “Ew! You look
just like your mother in those glasses!” make us feel like you want to divorce us.

We’re not objects for you to lug around. When you growl stuff at each other like “Hey, pick-up was at two!
Where were you?” we feel like some junky old couch you left on the curb for the Salvation Army.

Don’t put on puppy-dog eyes and act rejected when we’re missing our other parent. If we had a magic wand
we’d be with both of you all the time. Anyway, it’s not like we have an “affection allowance” and if we spend too
much on one of you we won’t have enough left for the other.

We can’t help that our other parent loves us but not you. We wish it wasn’t like that. Be happy for us, not sorry
for yourself.

It’s really hard to play soccer when the two of you are on the sidelines shooting dirty looks at each other or
jockeying over who is more in with the other spectating parents. And we’d rather not have a birthday party
than have one where we have to worry that the tension between you might cause the room to combust.

Don’t trash each other to our friends’ parents. Our friends always hear the stories, then they gossip about us. It
feels awful. It also makes you look kinda mean and crazy, which is embarrassing.
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
If we don’t feel like talking to you on the phone, it doesn’t mean we don’t love you or that our other parent is
discouraging us. It just means we’re on Facebook or watching a movie or something. Plus, if you push too hard
the calls start to feel more like a burden than a comfort. Sometimes too much contact makes us miss
you more, so let us set the pace.

We hate feeling we have no control over our lives. If we tell you that having dinner with Mom on Monday nights
makes it impossible to get our homework done, listen to us. But don’t change things around if you’re just gonna
give us a hard time about it.

Give us lots of time to get used to the divorce before asking us to meet your new girlfriend or boyfriend. And
when we do, try to soft-pedal the lovey-dovey stuff; we feel alone if you act happy while we’re still
upset. Later, don’t ask us to pretend we like the new person (or their kids!) if we don’t. And if you get married
again, don’t pretend a stepparent is the same as a parent. One isn’t better or worse, they’re just different.

Spend some one-on-one time with us once in a while.

Don’t rush to scrub your house of photos of the other parent like the place is suddenly a hazmat zone. At least
leave some of the family albums alone, or give us an old wedding photo to keep in our bedroom.

We hate, hate, hate it when you complain about money. And don’t tell us to “get Dad to pay for summer camp.”
Talk to him yourself.

Figure out schedule changes yourselves, don’t pull us into it. And don’t offer to do something cool with us on
our other parent’s time without checking with them first. Otherwise the info will get out too soon, and one of
you will freak out. Then the other will freak out. Fun times.

If you buy us clothes or toys, don’t make a federal case about us keeping them at your house. If we have to track
stuff that carefully or leave it behind when we go, it doesn’t feel like our stuff. If there’s something special, like
dressy clothes or expensive toys, let us know right away that you want them to stay put– not when we’re on our
way out the door.

If we forget our biology book or baseball glove once in a while, cut us some slack. How would you like to live in
two places and have to constantly wonder “What ten things will I need next week?” Kids aren’t famous for
remembering that stuff anyway.

Don’t compare standards of living between the houses. Believe it or not, we don’t care who drives a new Lexus
and who drives a used Honda— as long as you drive us to the mall!

Still, we’re not idiots: If someone offers to buy us the new iPhone, we’re gonna take it. So if one of you thinks
the other is trying to “buy” us, take it up with them. Better yet, leave it alone.

When you get divorced, don’t only pay attention to the one of us who acts upset. The quiet ones are having a
rough time, too.

We know you’re curious, but don’t grill us about the time we’re away from you. There’s a big difference
between asking if we had a nice weekend and asking if Dad fed us “crap” for dinner again.

Our friends with married parents are sick of watching the old wedding videos and hearing stories about the day
they were born. Sometimes it feels like we didn’t come from anywhere. We adore it when you share old
memories of each other. And if you use a tone of voice that says “we used to love each other and we loved
having you,” well… you have no idea.
MANY THANKS TO OUR 5776
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