The Networker, November/December, 2012

You’re Not Alone!
ne!
You’r
You’re Not Alone!
The Networker
You’re Not Alone!
You’re Not Alone!
You’re Not Alone!
You’re Not Alone!
In this Issue...
The Celebration Gap ............1
Piece of My Mind ................ 5
Christmas Gift Guide .......... 6
12 Days of Christmas .......... 7
Christmastime..................... 8
Support Chats ..................... 9
Holiday Wisdom ............... 10
Mom’s Energy ................... 12
Events.................................13
Professionals ..................... 14
The mission of the
Attachment &
Trauma Network
(ATN) is to:
Promote healing of
families through
support, education
and advocacy.
November/December 2012
The Celebration Gap
Anna Paravano, M.S.
As a child, I
remember
learning in
history class that
warring countries
would call a
“cease fire” on
Christmas Eve so
that those who
honored
Christmas could do so in peace. I
found it fascinating that complete
strangers from warring factions, of
different nationalities, faiths and
ideologies could agree on a cease fire
for a holiday when they couldn’t agree
on anything else. I don’t know about
you, but I would love to have this
option for the holiday season! Just to
cry-out, “Cease Fire!!!” and everyone
sits down, acts civil and eats their
portion of turkey without complaint or
drama. Yet, for those of us espousing
the intentional practice of attachmentfocused and trauma-informed
parenting, the start of the holiday
season can also signal a time of year
when it almost feels like our family
members are at
war. Managing
the holidays can
feel like we’re
walking through a
mine field without
a map – you just
don’t know when
you’ll trip a
trigger that has
the potential for derailing an entire day
as our kiddos struggle within
themselves and we all fight to survive
until the ebb and flow of our lives begin
to feel “normal” again.
I grew up celebrating Christmas. “Buon
Natale!” is the Italian version of “Merry
Christmas.” Being a 1st generation
Italian-American, this is the greeting
I’ve heard since I was born. In our
tradition, it’s basically how you say
“Hello” for 31 days of the year,
December 1st through the 31st. As a
little girl, I also thought of it as the
greeting that heralded the beginning of
my family’s exceedingly social holiday
season extravaganza. I’m not talking
(Continued on page 2)
(Continued from page 1)
together I became acutely aware that he had a very
different set of expectations surrounding the idea of
“celebrations.” He celebrated his first birthday after he
became my son; he was 5 years old and had no idea what
a birthday or a party was. He was also 5 when we faced
celebrating our 1st Christmas together. I say that we
“faced” it together because he had no idea what any of
this meant and he genuinely needed a lot of help
understanding what was happening.
about gifts or opulent decorations – that isn’t what the
holidays were about for me.
My mother’s entire family immigrated to the United
States in the late 1950’s from a small village tucked into
the foothills in the mountains of the Abbruzzi region in
central Italy. Their material possessions were few. But
what they lacked in material wealth they made up for
through an endless ability to entertain themselves with
games, music, good food, conversation, storytelling and
tons of laughter. They brought these sensibilities and
style of celebration to the U.S. and instilled them into
those of us who became the 1st generation of ItalianAmericans.
When I would introduce the subject of Christmas the
same thing always happened – it was kind-of like
flipping on the TV to watch the same episode of a show
over and over again. Although he spoke limited English,
he would regale me (and anyone else who would listen)
with the exciting story of the Christmas tradition
practiced at the orphanage where he lived. First, he
would run up the stairs and grab a pillowcase from his
room. Then he would point to the front door and while
knocking on the door he would say (in a very loud
voice), “Boom, Boom, Boom!” With the pillowcase
thrown over his shoulder, he would act-out walking
through the front door, then stomp his feet and say
something very loud in Ukrainian (his native language)
that I did not understand but I’m guessing it was “Merry
Christmas!” Then he’d reach into the empty pillowcase
and with a twinkle in his eyes he’d whisper to me,
“Candy, Mama… Candy!” He’d pretend he was pulling
candy out of the pillowcase and would begin throwing
into the room, imaging that all the children from his
ward at the orphanage were there to catch it and enjoy.
Once all the invisible candy was distributed, he’d do a
dance –like a little jig and pretend he was leaving
through the front door. Then he would laugh
uproariously, throw himself on the sofa next to me, and
happily say something like, “See Mama, lots of fun” and
pat his tummy. I could see and feel his excitement at the
anticipation of this wonderful tradition being repeated
in his new home.
So for me, the expression of Buon Natale (or Good
Christmas) automatically triggers a flood of images and
sensations: the smiling facing of loved ones, simply
decorated but beautifully set tables to receive family and
friends, countless nickel and dime card games, many
rounds of Italian-style bingo played with dried pinto
beans (really!) and the ever-present carols sung by
everyone in both Italian and English. Even as I write
this, my heart is filled with emotion as I am struck anew
for both the simplicity and genuine sense of community
conveyed through those yearly traditions that cause(d)
me to feel safe, secure, and happy to this day. Their
yearly repetition created in me an expectation that each
year the same thing would happen again and again
regardless of the year’s events.
As I looked forward to sharing these cherished
traditions with my own son, within the 1st of year our life
My heart sank when I realized that this had been his
one and only Christmas tradition and it was as precious
to him as mine were to me. He didn’t know about:
presents (he’d never owned anything before), or holiday
decorations, or big dinners, or smiling friends and
family or card games or bingo or caroling or feeling
happy or safe or peaceful… All he knew was “Boom,
Boom, Boom!” followed by eating a few pieces of candy
(Continued on page 3)
2
(Continued from page 2)
disapproval by shooting hate-filled glares at it, knocking
the ornaments off, throwing things at it. Needless to say,
the concept of Santa was completely off the table… He
became extremely upset at the notion that a stranger
could enter our house through the chimney.
handed to him by a stranger, and he waited for this all
year around.
It was at this moment that I began to wrap my brain
around the sheer volume of information that he did not
know about the holidays, the enormity of the task ahead
of us both, and I became completely overwhelmed and
sad. He knew nothing about a traditional holiday
season in his own country, let alone what was about to
befall him in his new country. I could not imagine how
this tiny, previously impoverished, traumatized boy,
living in a huge building set behind a wall, in a little
village with dirt roads and no TV was going to sort
through the overwhelming circus of stimulation that
typifies Christmas in North America. Not to mention
the gifts (omg!) and navigating through the ocean of
emotional interactions waiting for him at the home of
loving grandparents and family members thrilled to
welcome him with open arms, into their cheerfully
decorated houses for his 1st Christmas in the embrace of
our family.
Try as I might, I couldn’t figure out how to bridge the
celebration gap that lay between us… I couldn’t figure out
how to create that “cease-fire” moment so we could agree
to enjoy even one thing in peace. Then out of nowhere,
something happened… I don’t recall exactly how it came
about – or where the book came from… but someone
(probably a grandparent) had given my son a small board
book about the origins of Christmas. Although he had a
love/relationship with books, this one caught his eye and
he brought it to me. Pointing to the baby in the nativity
scene on the cover he asked me, “Who dis baby?” I told
him that it was the baby Jesus. “He code (i.e. cold)?”
Maybe a little but I told him that is why the animals
surrounded him, so he wouldn’t be cold. “Where him
mama?” I pointed to his parents. “Oh… him mama dare
(there)?” I asked him if he wanted to hear the story about
the baby and he said yes. So I went through the book,
changing the words so he would understand the story of
the poor little baby boy who’s birthday we were all getting
ready to celebrate except that instead of calling it a
birthday party, we called it Christmas. My son’s eyes litup and he said, “Mama, he like me!” And there it was… a
bridge, a connection, a common ground, the basis and
beginning of our cease-fire. My son could now see that we
were changing the house and preparing to celebrate for a
very specific purpose that he could relate to… This was all
to celebrate the birthday of a poor little boy, born in a
stable who grew-up to be smart and strong, then endedup helping a lot of people.
Now, was something he
could support!
Yikes! Where was I supposed to begin educating this
child with limited language, from a completely different
culture, socio-economic position, etc. on this most
intensely materialistic and stimulating of seasons? So, I
thought to start by getting him a video. It was the
Christmas episode of a program that he already watched
called “Out Of the Box.” It showed children and adults
working together to make gifts and craft items for the
holidays. That went pretty well.
Second, I tried to introduce the idea of a Christmas tree
and show him how the house was going to change. This
was less successful. He became completely upset. He
looked at me sternly, put
his hand-out in a gesture to
stop me from speaking
further and said, “No,
Mama! Boom, Boom,
Boom!” and started his
entire Christmas story all
over again.
My son is now 15 years old
and speaks English very
clearly when he’s not
mumbling like a typical
teenager. We’ve lived
through 10 holiday
seasons together – some
of them filled with more
peace than others. I
won’t kid you, it hasn’t
Well, we did get a tree but
he hated it. Seriously – he
tried to move it, kick it, and
push it. When it didn’t
leave, he decided to show
his continued contempt and
(Continued on page 4)
3
(Continued from page 3)
social holiday with family and friends are now limited to
a couple of social visits that are short, low-key, and with
plenty of structural support if my son needs it to stay
regulated. He is continuing to develop the notion that
he can expect good things to happen, his gifts to remain
his own, and that the house will return to normal after
the new year begins.
been easy or simple because the celebration gap between
us was so huge and this type of parenting is just plain
complicated. But things have continued to evolve as we
have both gained more regulation and understanding of
what we are really dealing with.
When he gained more language, he told me a bit more
about his cherished Christmas tradition. He explained
that after the man with the pillowcase left the
orphanage, the staff would quickly collect the candy the
children had been given and take it away. He said he
remembers having one or two pieces as he watched the
rest disappear. I always wondered why he anxiously hid
his gifts after he opened them… perhaps this might
explain it.
So, my desire to share with my son some cherished
traditions handed to me from my parents is coming to
life but looks very different that I might have imagined.
As I look back on the celebrations and traditions, I have
come to realize that all our socializing was about one
thing… we were together. Every year we celebrated by
seeing each other, greeting one another, sharing food,
music, laughter and facing another year together, as a
family… That was the tradition – and now, bit by bit, my
son is learning it too.
Over the years, we have developed what works for us
and recreated our individual traditions into our own
family traditions. The free flowing, energetic, extremely
The Attachment & Trauma Network (ATN) recognizes that each
child's history and biology is unique to that child.
Because of this we believe there is no one therapy or parenting
method that will benefit every child.
What works for one child may not work for another child.
Many children may benefit from a combination of different therapeutic parenting
methods and trauma-sensitive, attachment-focused treatments.
We encourage parents to research different treatments and parenting methods in
order to determine what will work best for their unique children.
www.attachtrauma.org
4
Piece of My Mind
It’s that time of year again! Notice how I
didn’t say “it’s the most wonderful time of
the year”? Maybe it is at your house. But
chances are, even if your traumatized
child has significantly healed and your
family has made significant adjustments
and progress, the holidays present some
challenges.
So, what’s the best gift anyone could give
you? An understanding ear? Some
wisdom from parents who have been
there? A cyberhug? Guess what! This
issue is chock full of all of these things!
2012 Annual Report with more details on
all the ways ATN has grown and spread
awareness this year. Research is
showing that the problem of early
childhood trauma and resulting RAD
and Developmental Trauma Disorder
continue to grow much faster than most
people are aware. ATN is dedicated to
serving these children and families, and
the need is overwhelming.
If you have the opportunity to tell other
families or people in your community
about early childhood trauma, let ATN
ATN Executive Director help you. We’re happy to provide
Have I told you that ATN has 27 active
brochures and other materials or help
volunteers? We have 12 board members
you prepare a presentation or information that you can
and 13 others doing a variety of tasks – all are working
share. The more voices we have “singing in the ATN
tirelessly for free because they believe in ATN’s mission.
choir” the louder our collective voice becomes.
So, when Kelly Killian (our Networker Editor) was
scouring through back issues and the internet looking for
Thank you all for what you do for our children. So
articles, we asked if our volunteers wanted to contribute.
many of you struggle daily with so many challenges in
And before we could blink, this issue was FULL of hardyour own families or as a professional helping many
earned experience and advice to help you not only
families and yet you find time to give back through
survive, but thrive, during this holiday season.
participating in online groups, Support Buddies,
donating time and money to the cause. THANK YOU!
If 2012 has been good to you and now is the time you’re
able to give back, we invite you to remember ATN this
So, despite all the challenges – the ATN Board wishes
you a very Joyous Holiday Season and a Peaceful New
holiday season. You should soon be receiving ATN’s
Year!
Julie Beem
TN!
A
m
s fro
y
a
d
i
l
y Ho
p
p
a
H
5
A Christmas Gift Guide
List assembled by Kathleen Benckendorf –
content by the moms of ETAAM (Early Trauma and Attachment Annual Meeting)
“What does little Johnny
want for Christmas this
year?”
ACTIVE (many of these
count for sensory
stimulation
as well!)
Does that question send
chills down your spine?
Does your chest tighten?
Do you want to tell your
sister the truth? That
Johnny doesn’t play? That
it’s not safe to give him
any gift that might later
become a projectile aimed at Mom? That any toy not
designed for an institutional setting will surely be
destroyed by nightfall? That paying for therapy might be
the best gift any of you could receive?
Fun fitness videos / games
(Wii / Xbox Kinect)
Nerf toys, nerf guns
Indoor crawl tunnel
Scooter, bike, jump rope,
pogo stick, scooter board
Mini trampoline, moon
shoes, jump rope, pull-up bar
Slackline
Hoops for hooping (and segmented ones can be used to
make hoop mazes, helping kids with proprioception and
vestibular senses)
You’re probably not going to share all that with Sis. If
you could, you already would have. Instead, here are
some ideas for a great Christmas list.
SENSORY TOYS / SUPPLIES
Chewelry, fidgets - http://
www.nationalautismresources.com/chewelry.html
ACTIVITIES
Classes – cooking, dance, gymnastics, art (Think of it as
respite!)
Weighted blankets, weighted vests
Bilibo http://www.bilibo.com/ great for rocking,
spinning, and so many other uses
Tickets to a children’s production
Tokens for Chuck-e-Cheese or an arcade
Cocoon sock (www.esportsonline.com,
www.amazon.com)
Gift certificates to a local bounce house, Sky Zone, etc.
MEMBERSHIPS – family membership to your local
zoo, children’s museum, aquarium, botanical garden,
YMCA (and of course an ATN membership makes a
great gift for you!)
Belgau balance board
MEDIA
Books, audiobooks, movies (All of these can be for
family time, or individual time)
CREATIVE
CDs with relaxation / meditation themes (Deep Sleep
Every Night knocks me out before the first track is half
over, every time)
Art & craft supplies
Construction toys - Legos, K’nex, Make-Do
(www.mymakedo.com )
Gift cards for Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Audible.com
FAMILY TIME
Video games – especially fitness, active, or familysuitable
Card games, board games
Videos, video games
Becky Bailey music CDs http://
consciousdiscipline.com/store/pc/viewCategories.asp?
idCategory=6 (And, of course, the book I Love You
Rituals by Dr. Becky Bailey)
Stove-top hand-crank popcorn popper
(Continued on page 7)
6
(Continued from page 6)
AT-HOME THERAPEUTIC & EDUCATIONAL
HeartMath
Audiblox
Fast ForWord
AVE Audio Visual Entrainment (www.mindalive.com;
webinar here http://tinyurl.com/dydk4py)
MISCELLANEOUS
Batteries for electronic devices
Basket of favorite snacks / treats
Bubble wrap
Gift certificate for a local drop-in daycare
Gift certificate for respite
May you receive gifts that make your home a more peaceful and therapeutic place this year.
Twelve Days of Christmas – Low Stress Style
By Kathleen Benckendorf
In April 1999, when our adopted kids were placed with
us, our bio kids were 9 and 4, and our adopted kids
were 11, 9, 8, and 4. (Yes, we not only disrupted the
birth order, we artificially twinned twice.) We were
living roughly nine hours from where our families of
origin lived, and we knew Christmas was going to be
cuh-razy. We’d be traveling, which would interfere
with any traditions we wanted to build ourselves. That
many kids, so close together, meant LOTS of gifts,
LOTS of wrapping paper, and probably LOTS of
frenzy. It was enough to overwhelm a neurotypical
child, but how much more so for our kids with a
trauma history, still adjusting to a new family?
When the kids were all still living at home, one night
became socks and underwear night. The way they all
went through socks, not just wearing them out but
leaving them everywhere, I refused to buy socks except
once a year, at Christmas. If they ran out before then,
they had to fork over their allowance for socks. At any
rate, socks and underwear night became a family joke.
When the kids started moving out, they wanted to know
if they would still get socks and underwear at Christmas,
or if they were going to have to buy their own!
Some things have stayed the same over the years. We
still make it a point to get together and watch some of
our favorite Christmas movies. On Christmas Eve, we
cook strips of steak in skewers in the fireplace and eat
them for dinner. We still spend Christmas Day with
extended family.
And so our very own Twelve Days of Christmas
tradition was born. We started before Christmas,
making Christmas the Twelfth Day. We made each day
special in some way. We even opened some gifts before
Christmas, as we wanted time to enjoy the gifts with
the kids before traveling. If we had a big gift for all the
kids together, that one gift might be the focus of the
entire evening, giving them time to really play with it
and get to know it. We might go to a Christmas play or
concert one night. Another night, we might watch
Christmas videos and drink Mexican hot chocolate.
Another night it might be a religious tradition, or a
family meal followed by board games or driving
around to look at Christmas lights. We usually read
The Very Best Christmas Pageant Ever over several
nights. We made cookies and a monster batch of
Chex® Mix.
As the years have passed, however, some of our
activities changed. When we moved back to St. Louis a
few years ago, the Christmas lights tradition became
driving around to look at lights, followed by a stop at
Ted Drewes to eat frozen custard in the freezing
outdoors.
We only have two kids left at home, and we don’t stick
to a full “Twelve Days” schedule, but we do make it a
point to get together and share some of the same
activities we did when they were kids. They’re now 1725, and they always remember and talk fondly and
happily about those good ol’ days. And I count that as a
success.
7
Christmastime:
Helping Our Traumatized Son Manage the Holidays
Stephanie Garde, JD
Before we had children, my husband and I had an
established love of the holiday season. We would start
as early as October. I am not talking about the
shopping, sales, and stores. I am talking the warmth,
love, and good will. We loved to decorate our home and
listen to Christmas music.
very hard. And, as many know, saying “no” to such a
gathering is simply out of the question, even if it might
have been in the best interest of our son. Trying to
balance the needs of our son against the outright
indignation of family has become much easier with time.
But, at the beginning, it was a challenge.
Our son spent his first Christmas with us in 1999 and
was adopted from state custody in 2000. At the age of 5,
he already thought Santa did not exist. The first year he
was placed with us, he went around his school, telling as
many children as possible that there was no Santa. We
later discovered during therapy that he went at least one
Christmas with nothing. Every Autumn, after the
struggle of getting him back into a school routine, he
would usually start “tanking” just before Thanksgiving
and would not get back to better regulation until the new
year.
A few things we did for the family gatherings did help.
The first was the gift distribution. With a large number
of grandchildren, the family enjoyed the idea of all of the
kids opening presents at the same time. This chaos was
finally made easier for my son with the request that all of
his presents be put into a separate pile. He could see all
of them. He could plan how he opened them.
We also made sure he could remove himself when he
needed to. He did not always KNOW he needed to. The
early years saw us removing him from the fracas only
after he had melted down. As time went on, he started
removing himself. He is quick to go outside and we
always hope the weather cooperates.
We have tried lots of different strategies over the past 13
years to survive the holidays. We were very hesitant to
give up our big decorating and Christmas-carol-playing
festivities at home.
We have delayed some of the decorating and carolplaying. We listen to carols when he is at school. No
decorations are up yet. We will decorate before our
travel at Thanksgiving which is much later for us.
Our first attempt to help him with the holidays was the
Apple Tree. At the suggestion of our attachment
therapist, we purchased a 4-foot fake tree and apple
ornaments. On each ornament, we wrote the name of
someone he wanted to remember during the holidays. It
was up to him. Some years, certain people were not put
up. Bio-parents and half-siblings were added even
though it had been a closed adoption. It was very telling
to see who went up on that tree year after year. It was
also a good reminder that, while not in his life now, his
bio family was on his mind.
Before finding an attachment therapist, the early years
were a time when we had to fight our own selfish,
(Continued on page 9)
The Tree would go up just before Thanksgiving. Two
years ago, he asked to not put the tree up. He is 18 now
and we always offer to put it up every year. He seems to
have lost interest.
Part of Christmas includes attending a large family
gathering at the grandparents’ house. As many can
attest, it is even stressful for those who did not suffer
early childhood trauma. For my son, it has always been
8
(Continued from page 8)
negative feelings. The un-therapeutic parent would be
very indignant that this child had come into our lives
and “refused” to adapt to our traditions. It did not seem
fair. We were giving him traditions. We were giving
him a family. Why on Earth would he become so
dysregulated?
ATN Monthly Support
Chats
Our email-based parent support
groups are wonderful, but have you
ever wanted to actually hear the voice
of another parent who understands
what you are going through? If so,
please join us for the monthly ATN
Support Chats.
Well, years of attachment and trauma therapy have
made it crystal clear to us. The holidays are just one
example of triggers that he just might not be able to
express to us. When we figure out what the triggers are
and work together as a team to help him, we have
success. We may take two steps back for every one step
forward but it is not us against him. It is all of us against
his trauma and his triggers.
You can join these chats via your
computer or on the phone – whatever
works best for you. Any ATN member
or trial member can join these sessions.
Today, I know he has our traditions. We attend the
Boston Pops Christmas concert every year. He jokes
with others that his parents are crazy Christmas people.
He voluntarily serves the Christmas Mass at our Church.
He helps decorate the Church. We pick names off of the
trees at Church and have the most fun getting those
items to give to the needy. We have purchased the
adoption ornament every year since he was placed with
us. We now have a small tree full of Radko ornaments
celebrating adoption.
Mark your calendars for the following
dates and we will send out meeting
details closer to the first meeting.
December 10th
All ATN Support Chats for this quarter
will take place on a Monday, beginning
at 9 p.m. Eastern/8 p.m. Central/7
p.m. Mountain/6 p.m. Pacific. Calls
will have volunteer parent-facilitators
to help keep conversation flowing.
I do not think we will ever achieve a perfect balance.
What family does? But, we will continue to tweak,
adjust, and work with him to help him through this time
of year while maintaining the spirit and love of the
season.
Please join us to experience that you
are truly NOT ALONE!
This Issue’s Contributors—All are part of our fabulous Board of Directors
Anna Paravano lives in CA with
her son, adopted internationally.
A professional interior designer,
educator and now therapeutic
mom, Anna is passionate about
helping other parents learn and is
developing the curriculum for
ATN’s Learning Center.
Stephanie Garde is ATN’s
Membership Director and raises
two sons (bio & adopted) in MA.
An attorney, Stephanie is now a
full-time therapeutic parent and
advocate for helping traumatized
children.
Kathleen Benckendorf is the
parent of 6 from St. Louis. She’s
passionate about helping families
find the healing they need to stay
together and build healthy
relationships.
9
Jane Samuel is raising 3 girls
in KY, the youngest adopted
internationally.
Jane’s a
blogger for two sites and an
outspoken proponent of healing
early childhood trauma.
Holiday Wisdom: Why Less is More
Jane Samuel, JD
The talk following this day of disturbing shopping
seemed to pin the blame equally on retailers and their
media cohorts. It was noted in a NPR interview that in
the last few years the level of sales madness has risen
exponentially, with stores now opening on Thanksgiving
itself in order to attract the most buyers, and thus the
best profit.
Years ago my husband had a colleague by the name of
Les Moore. He was a hardworking, quality guy, but he
was not a “big man” in physical stature – a geeky
engineer for sure. My husband, also a geeky engineer at
the time, would always joke about Les and his work ethic
and his trim stature by saying this little ditty whenever
Les’s name came up in conversation, “Ah, Les Moore when Les is Moore!”
But I know as the child of a parent who always felt the
need to use her wallet to show her love to her longdistance grandchildren, that we ourselves can be just as
guilty as the merchant or marketing mogul, if we are not
careful.
This year as America’s greatest season of material
consumption once again draws near I find myself
thinking of this little phrase for a different reason. As a
parent I am saddened by the ever increasing level of
consumerism present in our children’s lives. We, and
thus they, are bombarded daily with messages that life is
not worth it if you do not have stuff, lots of stuff. And
amidst these messages it is almost impossible to get our
message across to them – that there is more to life than
stuff, there is more to fun than shopping, there is more
to love than the gifting of expensive objects.
Indeed, I remember distinctly my downright
disappointment when my mother arrived in our driveway
one Christmas with my father’s new station wagon filled
to the roof with individually wrapped gifts for our
daughters, then aged six and three. As we worked that
evening to unload the monstrous mound of what I was
sure were the best toys and cutest outfits money could
buy, I was stricken by the disturbing thought that despite
my previous pleas to “go easy on gifts” there would be
more under our Christmas tree from Granny and Pop
Pop than from dear Santa.
Just today I listened to an ad for a local superstore. The
one minute radio spot opens with the sound of people
caroling outside a neighbor’s home. However when no
one comes to the door to welcome the spirit-filled
singers, they deduce that “everyone” must be at X store’s
big holiday sale. The lead caroler, not to be deterred by
the lack of individuals at home encourages the group to
press on to the next house, while the two other singers
decide to defect to the sale. In the end, the leader defects
as well, leaving the spirit of Christmas I loved as a child
melting in the trampled snow at the entrance to their
local big box store.
I mean really, how would our young children receive this
ridiculously large number of gifts? Our beloved, still
innocent girls, who we had worked hard to educate about
the REAL reason for the season? How would the special
spirit of ‘ole St. Nickolas, whose job we had told them
was to bring a few special toys, shine past the bright
lights and glittering baubles of Granny’s pile of presents?
And how would my mother, who always wanted her
recipients to dutifully admire her shopping work, receive
the muffled and ultimately glazed-eye responses of her
overwhelmed granddaughters?
Even more disturbing were the reports of violence by
shoppers against other shoppers during 2011’s Black
Friday. Stories of a pepper-spray-wielding woman and
customers who stepped over an unconscious man in
their quest for the best deal of the day marred what just
a few years ago was known as a time for family
fellowship and left-overs of turkey and pie. What does
this say about what our nation’s respect for its founding
father’s holiday? More importantly, what message is it
sending to our very impressionable children?
I hate to admit it but for all the years after that, when my
mother had to ship her mountain of love, rather than
drive it down in person, my husband and I would pull out
a few select “Granny and Pop Pop” gifts to give to them
on Christmas, saving the rest to be opened later in the
New Year, or not at all. If we had not we would have
(Continued on page 11)
10
(Continued from page 10)
spent every year with glazed-eyed children melting down by noon with
severe cases of “gift overload”.
Thus, in the end, I do not know if the media copies life (i.e. advertisers
and merchants are only mimicking what they see in our behavior) or
life copies the media (i.e. we must buy, buy, buy if we are to enjoy
Christmas) when it comes to our consumerism. Nonetheless, I do
know in our house we will once again continue to follow the Less is
More tenet of Holiday buying. Because:
Less presents, mean less shopping and more time spent enjoying
holiday traditions with our children, including lounging around on the
day after Thanksgiving playing with cousins and eating leftovers.
Less presents, mean that the message “I bought this for you because I
thought it was perfect for you” shines through more than the message
“you need this, and this, and this to be somebody.”
Less presents, mean more money in the bank for the important things
in life.
Less presents, mean more likelihood that that our family tenet: “what
matters most is the person you are inside and not what you wear or
own” will be heard over the constant din of consumerism.
Don’t forget to renew your membership!
Individual (parent) memberships are $35 annually;
Professional memberships are $75 annually.
You have four ways to join:
1.
Join online at www.attachtrauma.org. Click the Join button and use your credit
card to renew your membership.
2.
Print the membership form available on the website and mail it to:
ATN
P.O. Box 164
Jefferson, MD 21755
along with your check or credit card information.
3.
Fax the completed membership form with credit card information
to 1-888-656-9806 .
4.
Call Lorraine at 1-888-656-9806 and give her your card information over the phone.
Memberships make great gifts.
We have a scholarship program, so memberships can also be donated.
Scholarships are available for individual memberships.
11
Moms Gather Your Energy! It’s a New Year!
Jane Samuel, JD
my mother’s milk. And it was in tatters, bits and pieces
of it hanging out and flung who knows where like the
Scarecrow’s straw in the Wizard of Oz.
“How was your massage?”
“Good! I am back in my body.”
Apparently, while I had been busy playing mommy and
caregiver daughter – and a weak version of wife as well –
I had strewn myself all over kingdom come. Now lying
there in the warm cocoon of her flannel-sheeted massage
table she gently prodded me to gather my energy back
from all the places I had left it over the past two months.
My mind’s eye flooded with images of the places I had
been. And all the places I had left a bit of myself:
“Hmm, I didn’t know you were outside your body.”
“Neither did I.”
So went the exchange between my husband and me last
week as I walked into the kitchen after an hour at the
healing hands of my massage therapist.
What had been a much overdue massage to work out
some back pain turned into a true “aha” moment in my
life as wife, mother, and caregiver for my elderly
parents.
On the door step of my parent’s new apartment where I
steeled myself each time I reached for the door knob to
let myself in.
It all began two months ago with a few too many long
drives to visit colleges with our eldest daughter. Fitful
nights dreaming about every stress known to a child
caring for two aging parents had not helped. Nor had
sitting hunched over writing out their ninety Christmas
cards. But sleeping on the pleather sofa beside my
daughter’s hospital bed, after a pre-Christmas virus had
left her kidney’s failing, was probably the straw that
broke my proverbial back. Or so I thought.
In the office of my mother’s oncologist, sitting beside the
once strong, and at times obstinate, woman I called
Mom.
In the hallway outside my parent’s door where I often
talked in private with various nurses, social workers and
Hospice staff.
At the dinner table as I watched my father come to grips
with what he perceived as his wife’s “sudden” turn for
the worse.
Katie, my masseuse extraordinaire had a bit different
take on things.
In difficult conversations and emails with my distant
siblings and family members.
As my body softened under her kneading hands, my soul
peaked out from where I had tamped it down. A tearful
tremble crossed my lips. Upon examination my heart
knew what the masseuse had probably deduced as soon
as her fingers landed my tense back. There, under the
ropey muscles pulled taut across my upper back – my”
heart cage” as she called it - was my being, my energy,
In my mother’s hand, as I uncurled her stiff and longing
fingers in order to extricate my own hand each time I
had to leave her side.
In resentful thoughts - and guilty feelings - and “why
(Continued on page 13)
12
(Continued from page 12)
Most likely, we as busy midlife mothers, each have a list.
Some of us, perhaps, are better at keeping our being
within our own self. Not sharing it out – passing it
around like some plate of cookies to be taken from by
greedy hands.
me?” inquiries - and “what next?” wonderings - that
seemed to plague my mind’s every minute.
In the sad, grumbling, and stoic beings of my children as
they worked to accommodate the new role of their
grandparents in their lives.
But others of us, like me, forget. We get away from
ourselves. In our desire to help, to heal, to hold up others
we lend ourselves out all over the place. Then we wonder
why we can’t sleep. Why our body aches in protest. Why
our heart-cage is in knots.
While sitting in stiff chair, after stiff chair, at distant
college campuses, my hands clasped in prayerful desire
as I waited for my eldest daughter to compete in yet
another audition for a slot in a theatre school program.
In my marriage, thrown off-kilter by my parents move to
our town and the time consuming and emotional work
their care involves. And in my guilt-ridden thoughts that
these are my parents, not his, that have caused the seas
of life to leave us in this state.
If you are like me, denuded of your soul then take a few
moments now, and each day you feel necessary, to sit
quietly and gather your energy back to you.
This one small effort to respect your inner self could
make all the difference in the New Year.
The list goes on and on.
Upcoming Events in the Attachment/Trauma World
Beyond Consequences Live Events
http://www.beyondconsequences.com/bcilive/
index.html
Feb. 2, 2013.
Denver, CO
Mar 1, 2013.
Austin, TX
The following Heather Forbes (BCI) seminars are
scheduled for Spring, 2013. Dates TBD:
Kansas City, MO
Milwaukee, WI
Grand Rapids, MI
Ann Arbor, MI
Parenting in SPACE Conference
April 13 & 14, 2013
Illinois Beach State Park, IL
http://www.housecallscounseling.com/parentingin-space/
Understanding & Navigating Early Trauma
March 1 & 2, 2013
Santa Barbara CA
Contact: Silvia Wastjutin @ Mariposas Project
Nancy Thomas Workshops in early 2013:
Jan 24 & 25, 2013– Eureka, CA
Contact: Rose Baker, 707-496-6071
March 22 & 23, 2013—Orlando, FL
Teresa Guerard, 407-260-0031
May 18, 2013– Wasilla, AK
National CASA Conference
April 6-9, 2013
Anaheim, CA
www.casaforchildren.org
13
ATN Professional Member Directory
These professionals believe in ATN’s mission and have joined us as Professional Members
Denise Best, LMHC
Adoption & Attachment Treatment Center of Iowa
Iowa City, IA
[email protected]
http://www.aatcofiowa.com/
319-430-4383
Barbara S. Fisher, M.S.
Center for Attachment Resources & Enrichment
(C.A.R.E.)
Decatur, GA
www.attachmentatlanta.org
404-371-4045
Matthew Bradley, MSW
Beatitude House
Waynesville, NC
http://www.beatitudehouse.org/
828-926-5591
Sharon Fuller
The Attachment Place, LLC
Maryland
410-707-5008
[email protected]
http://www.theattachmentplace.com
Karen Buckwalter
Chaddock
205 South 24th Street
Quincy, IL 62301
[email protected]
217-222-0034
Ken Huey, Ph.D.
CALO (Change Academy Lake of the Ozarks)
Lake Ozark, MO
[email protected]
573-365-2221
Gayle Clark, Executive Director
Miracle Meadows School
Rte 1, Box 565
Pennsboro, WV 26415
http://www.miraclemeadows.org/
304-782-3630
Thomas Jahl, Headmaster
Cono Christian School
Walker, IA
[email protected]
http://www.cono.org/
319-327-1085
Shirley Crenshaw, MSW, LCSW
Crenshaw, Inc.
St. Louis, MO
[email protected]
http://www.attachmenttrauma.com/index.html
314-374-4753
Nina Jonio
NeuroSolutions
Gresham, OR
[email protected]
http://www.neurosolutions.org/
206-910-6088
Beverly Cuevas LICSW, ACSW
Attachment Center NW
8011 118th Avenue, NE
Kirkland, WA 98033
[email protected]
www.attachmentcenternw.net
425-889-8524
425-576-8274 fax
Mell La Valley, LMFT, CEGE
In-Home Services, Adoption and
Attachment Specialist
Equine Therapy Post Office Box 2245
Loomis, CA 95650
[email protected] http://www.melllavalleylmft.com
http://www.warriorssoul.org
916-719-2520
Lark Eshelman, Ph.D.
Chestertown, MD
[email protected]
http://www.larkeshleman.com/index.php
410-778-4317
(Continued on page 15)
Direct any updates/changes to this listing to [email protected].
14
(Continued from page 14)
Denise Lebow, LCSW, LSCSW
229 Ward Parkway LL2
Kansas City, MO 64112
[email protected]
816-531-2144
Michelle Nigliazzo, JD
Nigliazzo Advocacy Center LLC
West Plains, Missouri
http://www.nigliazzoadvocacycenter.com/
[email protected]
Carol Linder-Lozier, LCSW
Louisville, KY
[email protected]
http://www.forever-families.com/
Christine Owen
Respite Provider
Blairesville, GA
[email protected]
Carolee Malen, LCSW, ACSW
Malen & Associates
8112 W. Bluemound Rd
Suite 106
Wautatosa, WI 53213
[email protected] http://malenandassociates.us/
414-302-1759
Lawrence Smith, LCSW
Silver Spring, MD
301-558-1933
[email protected]
Pamela McCloskey
McCloskey Counseling Center
[email protected]
814-357-2400
Janice Turber, M.Ed.
Center for Attachment Resources & Enrichment
(C.A.R.E.)
Decatur, GA
404-371-4045
www.attachmentatlanta.org
Jennie Murdock, LCSW, LMT
Lehi, UT
[email protected]
435-668-3560
ATN Board of Directors
Julie Beem, Executive Director
Denise Best, LMHC
Tanya Bowers-Dean
Stephanie Garde
Ken Huey, Ph.D.
Kelly Killian
Jane Samuel
Lorraine Schneider
Larry Smith, LCSW, LICSW
Nancy Spoolstra, Founder
Janice Turber, M.Ed..
Sheri Verdonk
15