sports - The Peak

Transcription

sports - The Peak

FREE
Volume 12, Issue 13
November 25 - December 2 / 2002
georgia
T H E
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S W E E T
B R O W N
e e k!
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New
%
5
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15%
e e k!
W
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New
this week
Fresh-faced, soft-spoken news editor hooks up with sexy
Asian transsexual. But does she know that he used to cycle
in the nude? • By Jesus H. Christ
travel
12
Journey with us to beautiful Keremeos, B.C.,
where the sun never stops shinin’, the boys
never stop pinin’, and the editors never stop
rhymin’. • By Eim M. Pressed
6 features
Yesterday I drank a coffee. The coffee was
brown and hot. I burned my tongue. It felt
good to be drinking coffee, here, and feeling it burn my tongue.
• By Ernest “Right Jab” Hemingway
15 sports
Wish I were a Kellogg’s cornflake. Floatin’ in
the bowl takin’ movies. Relaxing awhile, livin’
in style. Talking to a raisin who occasionally
plays L.A. • By Stevo (and Paul)
11 arts
I like cats. I like bats. I like rats. S**** has an
insatiable addiction to sex. I like cats. I like
bats. I like rats. • By Brie Tenshus
the
Start Here
4 News
5 More News
6 New Music
7 Culture Jammin’
8 Rave Culture
9 Slave Culture
10 Lab Rats
11 Under the Covers
12 Uninformed Politics
13 Meditation
14 Mediation
15 Robert’s Rules
Time Out
16 Bars & Clubs
17 Orgasms
18 Lost Causes
Services
19 Escorts
20 Phone Sex
21 New Age Therapists
somewhere
in the back...
9 news
up front
S is for Satan
and Stephenson
tupid senseless students
should stop sulking and
start sucking up to seniority
and swindlers. Serious students
start saving sooner setting standards and surpassing simple
speculation. See my syllogism?
Surely, student’s sensing a surly
Stephenson, shouldn’t start a
surge of symposiums sending
sympathetic street speakers
singing songs of sadness.
Somebody should step up soon
S
LETTERS
to stop the Simon Fraser Student
Society and stupid, stuck-up student newspapers from sending
secrets and setting schedules,
subverting student sentiment.
Sanctimonious student senators
sucking up simply sets up a sardonic and saturnine set of students, stooped over in sulky slavery.
Soon I will shoot student subversives, sending them something
Satan will save me for. Sweet, Succulent Sin.
Satan’s Succubus (or Slut)
Crusade for Life
The level of mockery that the SFU
Campus Crusade for Christ must
endure from an uncaring, and
hell-condemned, student body
has peaked. Because of the
alarming frequency of verbal attacks against the Campus Crusade for Christ, which are clearly
blasphemous and hurtful to God,
we have decided to institute a
new program to educate the unwashed masses.
Our newest endeavour is the
Campus Crusade for Life for
Jesus. We’re going to hit the
streets, spread the word, and
bring the big J back to life. We’re
positive that he is walking the
streets of Vancouver, the man is
with us. We’re going to poll the
population, scour the face of the
city, and find us a saviour. Then
we’ll have a vote, where the people get to choose the right saviour
from a list of contestants.
The Campus Crusade is now the
City Crusade; we’re in your face
and looking for a few good deities,
have you got what it takes to be
worshipped? ‘Cause we’re the
lackeys to do the worshipping. It’s
time for the heathens to stand up
and recognise the awesomeness
that is our Lord. Dig it yo.
Regards,
Bishop
P.S. We will not be undersold.
Beating Off
a New Generation
The world would be a much bet-
ter place if everyone just sat back,
pulled down their trousers and
jerked their way to a new lubricated, liberated way of self-control. Masturbation helps not only
to relieve stress, but also to encourage a sense of genuine community. In an experimental community, where masturbation was
not seen as taboo, people were
more prone to help their neighbours when their own hands were
either busy or weary from repetitive strain injury. In effect, sexual
liberation and self-indulgence
have paired off to give humanity a
step forward in the battle for
world peace.
Polishing the bishop and stirring the taco are activities have
found new ways to express themselves in societies that view them
as taboo or openly embrace them.
With the advent of the Internet
and the introduction of online
chat rooms, an international pastime has finally been created, but
it’s not baseball.
Web-porn is also a convenient
outlet, but 10 out of 11 users agree
that the imagined interaction in a
chat room adds infinitely to the
experience. The revolution in culture has even allowed for cleaning
the pipes and tossing the pink
salad in horribly uptight and repressed countries. The secretive
access and use of Internet resources has allowed the terminally sexually repressed to express
themselves all over the bathroom
walls. Wanking allows borders to
be crossed, and new cultures to
be explored and fantasised over.
Master Wang & Master Bates
A day at the ratio
I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in
the Georgia Brown lately — your
advertising-to-content ration is
obscene!
Here I am trying to get hold of
some top-notch consumer hints
through the miracle of modern
advertising, and you’re fouling it
up with some hippy bullshit
about ‘art’ and politics!
Last week’s feature on the Brazillian pan-flutists campaign to “free
Mumia Abu-Jamal through music”
could have provided space for the
“Toe-up Hoe-Down” sale at Bellis
Fair, which I found out from Debbie that I missed, thank you very
much! Similarly, eliminating all of
this ‘civic elections’ mumbo-jambalaya could have made room for
ads telling me about various gyms
in this city to which I could send
my fat daughter.
I used to be able to count on the
Georgia Brown for wall-to-wall
advertising, alerting me to the
presence of half-priced shoes and
sweet Asian transsexuals all over
this city. Stop gooping it up with
stories about spicy local ethnic
restaurants and gay parades.
Patricia A. Cummingsworthington
T H E
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S W E E T
georgia
B R O W N
VOLUME 8 • NUMBER 1822
Welcome to the Georgia Brown
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T
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M M O R T A L
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NOVEMBER 25 - DECEMBER 2, 2002 • THE SWEET GEORGIA BROWN • 3
travel
Shopping Trip a Unique Cultural Experience
BY HANS SAUM AND
DEE M. ZED
ELLINGHAM, Washington – I had just
settled into my seat on the bus, when a
monotone voice informed me that we
were approaching the border. I removed my
headphones and peered nervously out the
window.
I glanced at the Lebanese Canadian across
the aisle, and thought to myself, “See ya later,
Mustafa.” In a few minutes, my travelling partner Dee and I would be at the end of the
proverbial road, that road being Highway 99,
and entering a new world: the United States of
America! Unfortunately Mustafa, in all likelihood, would not be joining us.
The lust for travel has always been in our
blood. Encountering new cultures and meeting strangers from faraway lands is the most
gratifying experience we share, next to our
mind-blowing sex life, that is. Dee and I were
heading south in search of something. We didn’t know what, but we felt confident that whatever it was, we’d find it in Bellingham, Washington. Maybe it was a good deal, maybe it was a
friendly smile from a stranger — the kind you
just don’t get in Canada — or maybe it was an
enormous gun — also the kind you just don’t
find in Canada.
So we bussed through the border, leaving
Mustafa behind, and we busted by Blaine and
Birch Bay, and burst into Bellingham quivering
with excitement. We thought about heading to
the tourist centre, but decided to hit the highlight of our trip first — the Bellis Fair shopping
mall. (I had suggested to Dee that we join the
Greyhound equivalent of the Mile High Club,
but she claimed to have a headache.)
Dee and I headed straight to the food court to
sample local Bellingham fare. We bypassed the
Corn-Dog Palace, but were attracted by the
bright yellow arches of an authentic American
B
Factory Merchants Outlets is just one of many exciting shopping locations for a day trip.
Rebecca Blessek Photo.
McDonald’s. “They got fajitas!” commented
Dee. “The smiles are free!” I chimed in. I ordered a McChicken, and was immediately
stuck by how different the sauce was. More
tangy, less subtle. Dee ordered an iced tea, and
almost spat out the first sip. “Gross! It’s real tea!”
she cried.
Next we headed to Jimmy’s Clothing Warehouse and purchased a full set of military fatigues for both of us. The military thing isn’t really my cup of tea, but Dee was the Fraser Valley
paintball champion six years out of seven in
the nineties.
After getting our camo-fix, I suggested we
take advantage of some of the great deals to be
had at The Fair’s famous brand name outlet
stores. First stop was Old Navy, where the
prices compare with Canada’s own Zeller’s department store. Despite the great deals to be
had, the jeans didn’t fit and the seams felt
shoddy. We went to the Banana Republic, but
the prices were too high. Satisfaction was still
out of reach. Just as we were at the end of our
ropes, we came across the Gap discount outlet.
The store’s bright, almost spiritual lighting and
colourful apparel reminded me of the sunlight
dancing through the stained glass at St. Peter’s
Basilica in Rome (Dee and I were in Italy last
spring, and I’m convinced there’s no better
time to visit. Dee had a severe allergic reaction
and spent most of the trip in a hospital so she
might not agree). We were pilgrims on the road
of consumerism and we were about to be
saved.
As we paid for our purchases, Dee and I had a
good time making fun of the dead white guys
featured on the local currency, and how it was
all the same seaweed colour. The salesperson
pointed out that our money had pictures of old
white monarchs from other countries and
hockey players, but we turned a deaf ear to her
imperialist rhetoric.
I was surprised by how exotic, blue and mailbox-shaped the mailboxes were. I remember
gazing at the Stars and Stripes draped over the
buildings, and wondered if the yawning gap
between the American and Canadian cultures
could ever be bridged.
“Can we stop at Krispy Kreme?” asked Dee, as
we strolled up the strip mall holding hands.
Dee knows that I love Krispy Kreme. They taste
like candy in doughnut form. Mmmm.
“No,” I said. I was tired from the day’s overwhelming shopping experience and looked
forward to finding comfortable accommodation of the motor-inn variety. Luckily, the
streets in Bellingham, like Surrey and Richmond, are lined with motels. With dreams of
whirlpools, HBO and free breakfast, we
checked into a Motel 6. For those on tight
budgets, a room can be had at either the
Howard Johnson or the Comfort Inn for five
dollars less, but you have to be willing to forego
the whirlpool, something I was not at all prepared to do.
Once safely in our room — we narrowly
averted a trucker-motorcycle gang shootout in
the parking lot — Dee ordered room service
and I flipped on a ubiquitous hotel room porn
flick. The bed, like all things American, was
huge and noisy. We made good use of every
square inch.
ACCESS: Check out
www.bellinghamiscool.com for more information on the attractions of this thriving metropolis.You can order Greyhound tickets online at www.greyhound.ca. Driving to Bellingham takes two to three hours and most Canadians can enter without visas. McDonald’s has
various locations and meals cost between
US$3.50 and US$6, alcoholic beverages not
available. Motel 6 is located two block east of
the Bellingham MegaLanes Bowling Centre.
Take exit 185 from the I-5 and drive for three
minutes. Room rates are between US$49.95
and $US59.95.
I conquered the Grouse Grind
ancouver’s North Shore is a true
hiker’s paradise. With a plethora
of trails snaking up its fine
slopes, the possibilities for hiking
adventures are limitless. One trail, however,
stands far above the rest —
or so I’ve heard.
Friends tell me that the
Grouse Grind is a challenging,
adrenalineTREY L.
pumping hike as well as a
great place to get a date. Having gained
most of my hiking experience tackling the
rough trails of Burnaby Mountain and Capitol Hill, I was excited to explore some new
terrain.
My first stop was at Mountain Equipment
Co-op, to load up with all the latest in hiking
gear. If everything I’d heard was true, I knew
I’d definitely need some hi-tech equipment
for this excursion. Then I stopped at Starbucks for a breakfast of Grande House
Blend coffee and McDonald’s to pick up a
McChicken for lunch on the trail.
I arrived at the trailhead to find several
stylish hikers stretching. I fastened my
Charlet Moser Quark Ergo Ice Tool ($355.00)
V
and adjusted the straps of my Brio 25 DayPack ($48.00). I made sure that my Nalgene
Round Wide Loop Lexan Bottle ($9.00) was
full and that my Counter Assault Bear Spray
($ 37.95) was within easy reach.
Komperdell
Rover
Trekking Staff ($50.00) in
hand, I began the wicked
ascent. Passing throngs of
spandex-clad
seniors,
MYCKS
children, jocks and dirty
hippies I made my way past the 1/4 marker.
Checking the altitude and time on my St.
Moritz Pathfinder Carbon Strap Watch
($145.00), I saw that despite taking a break
every five steps I was making good progress.
It was getting hot so I removed my MEC
Callisto Zip Crotch Pants ($85.00) and
opened the underarm vents on my MEC
Slipstream Hooded Jacket ($125.00). I was
now assaulting the steepest section of the
trail. I could feel blisters forming beneath
my La Sportiva Trango Ice Mountaineering
Single Boots ($465.00) and Wigwam Merino
Light Hiker Socks ($13.50).
It started to get dark, so I switched on my
Princeton Tec Matrix LED Headlamp
Outside
4 • NOVEMBER 25 - DECEMBER 2, 2002 • THE SWEET GEORGIA BROWN
($64.00). Having started two hours
earlier at 5 p.m., I was anxious to
top out at the chalet and maybe
bag a few peaks along the way.
When I hit the 3/4 marker I
stopped for a much-needed meal
of Alpineaire Wild Thyme Turkey
($9.50), which I cooked on my
MSR Dragonfly Stove ($135.00).
Three hours later, I reached the
summit. Elated beyond reason, I
waved my Canadian flag proudly
before sauntering into the Grouse
Mountain Chalet for a slice of Himalayan Cheesecake and Kilimanjaro Extreme Tea. Riding down the
Grouse Mountain SkyRide, I
couldn’t help but feel sorry for
everyone who hasn’t yet experienced the joy of hiking the Grouse
Grind.
ACCESS: Check out my forthcoming guidebook 12,021 Hikes in
Greater Vancouver ($74.99), available soon at Mountain Equipment
Co-op (www.mec.ca/).
Grouse Grinder on her way to find some pants. Ash
Sparagus photo.
Strangest thing that a professor
has ever said:
“Picture giant bananas rolling
down Burnaby Mountain.”
“Wrong, wrong, all wrong, all
wrong!” – L. Ballentine.
“Bretton Woods isn’t a place, it’s a
state of mind — like Keremeos.” –
Don DeVoretz.
“I made my daughter cry when I
gave her some math problems.”
“The ‘70s were a great age for
screwing.”
“I use Secret deodorant!” – Gary
McCarron.
Life on the hilltricks you’ve picked
up to get by:
Best place to get cell phone reception:
Best place to live while going
to SFU:
Best place to make out:
The overwhelming response we
got to this question was “Turn
those #$%@ things off!!”
Best time to catch a bus:
11 p.m. to 2 a.m. We assume this
is a sick joke.
Best place to get free parking
on campus:
Beside Campus Security, late at
night.
Best course to catch a nap in:
First year stats, econ and psych
classes in large lecture halls.
The Dean’s office, the Physics elevator, the darkroom.
Best place to sit and read the
Peak:
“The mammoth teeth at
the Museum of
Archeology and
Ethnology. “
Also: night roller-blading on the fifth floor of
the AQ, the Interfaith
Centre, and “hot comp
sci chicks.”
BEST PLACE TO CHECK YOUR EMAIL
Best reason to prolong your
bachelor’s degree:
“To mack on the freshmen.”
Commercial Drive was a popular
venue for our left-wing, fur-lined
coat-wearing, Scottish Canadian
bag-piping university crowd.
BEST KEPT SECRET
Most effective line for getting
an extension:
“You already have too much to
mark!”
“I was drunk.”
“My dog died.”
“My wife’s having a baby.”
“I work for the Peak.”
“West Mall, where
all the snobs are so
paranoid of IBM that
Macs are always
available.”
That overheated
wordstation on the
bottom floor of the
library also got lots
of votes.
Time to complain:
The washrooms. Thanks, guys!
Classes:
Most unusual thing to happen
in class:
Professors seemed to be the stars:
“Prof left to throw up.”
“Prof left final exam saying, ‘bring
it to my office.’”
“Paul St. Pierre dressing up as an
Aussie prof, ‘Bazza.’”
While some of you seemed to be
on crack: “Purple dragons flying.”
Most humiliating experience
in class:
BEST PLACE TO HANG OUT
Sleeping in the front row.
Worst bus experience:
“I got puked on!”
“Pushing the bus uphill during a
snowstorm.”
“Getting kicked off for not paying
an additional $1 for two zones.”
Your own Highland Pub
was first on the list for
both best place to eat
and best hang-out.
Most ridiculous regulation:
No flame throwers, paid motorcycle parking, no copulating
in lectures, “needing to get a
doctor’s appointment to get a
band-aid from Health Services.”
BEST PLACE TO SLEEP
Anywhere in the
library, but
especially the sixth
floor journal room.
Sweet dreams.
BEST SFU TREND
Most annoying aspect of SFU:
Best used-book store:
No breaks before finals.
Here’s a response for the digital
age: “How about looking online?”
People around
campus:
Most humorous professor:
Dr. Sugarman, Andy Heard,
Howard Trottier, Ray Jennings,
E. Khielman, Gary McCarron.
Favourites around
town:
SFUers’ favorite hangouts:
If you can’t get enough of the hill
on campus, move the party to either Foggy Dew, North Burnaby
Inn, or the Mountain Shadow
Pub; you’re bound to run into
someone from one of your
classes.
Best cheap eats:
The most unusual response to
this question is “Me, my gun and
an alley full of cats.” All right, we
don’t judge.
Silver City Coquitlam. For people
with a slightly experimental taste,
check out the Blinding Light or
Pacific Cinematèque.
Other highly varied
responses:
Being left-wing,
Robbie Burns Day,
“pipe band stereotypes,” and wearing
high school sweats
Best cheap eats:
Anywhere on Commerical Drive,
Megabite Pizza, three-dollar
breakfast deals in North Burnaby,
and Love at First Bite on
Granville.
BEST “CHARACTER” ON CAMPUS:
BEST PLACE TO GET COFFEE
Rufus, otherwise
known as the
“purple library guy.”
Best coffee shop:
Turk’s on Commercial, The Grind
on Main and King Edwards (it’s
open 24 hours)
Best cinema:
Coats with fur lining
is the new hot trend
on campus.
Renaissance Coffee.
Thank you Parvinder!
Higher Grounds and
AQ vending machines
were a close runner-up.
Other nominees
were: our own
president Michael
Stevenson, Lab Rats
stars Robyn and
Wesla, Math
excentric Terry Soo.
And finally,
attention guy with
the long blonde
hair, sunglasses, a
black trench coat,
and a black bowler
hat — somebody
thinks you are hot!
Television Poised to Crush Democracy
BY ALBUS BUNBURY
he creators of television may
have finally found a chink in the
armour of democracy, sources
reported last week.
In a speech, Coalition of Progressive Electors candidate Larry Campbell credited the
hit CBC Television series Da Vinci’s Inquest
as the reason for his landslide victory in
Vancouver’s recent mayoral election.
The show’s protagonist, Dominic Da
Vinci, is loosely based on Campbell during
his career as B.C.’s chief coroner. This
celebrity connection was key to the campaign strategy. As hoped, many dim-witted
voters seem to have confused Campbell
with the rugged, charismatic television
character when casting their votes.
“Were the majority of voters able to distinguish fantasy from reality, I highly
doubt I would have become mayor,”
Campbell scoffed.
“Those idiots,” he added.
The Da Vinci syndrome, as some are calling it, has raised concerns about the legitimacy of Campbell’s new position as mayor.
Many political pundits south of the
boarder anticipate a similar West Wing syndrome, which will eventually complete the
destruction of the democratic process in
the United States, much like an unaccounted-for stick of dynamite completes
the destruction of your birthday party
when it gets foolishly mixed in with the
birthday cake candles.
Over the weekend, sales of Old English
T
Larry Campbell credits TV for his overwhelming election victory. Jennifer Clarke photo.
brand beverages skyrocketed as those same
political pundits hit the sauce pretty hard
in light of their ominous musings. “They all
seemed like tiny suffocating monkeys,
trapped in a sarcophagus of broken
dreams,” one observer said.
However, despite the slight possibility
that post-apocalyptic historians from the
distant future may one day regard this election as the beginning of the end of western
civilisation, ’80s TV personality and acclaimed political analyst Max Headroom
remained positive.
“S-s-sure this situation raises profound
questions about w-w-whether or not
democracy can still function in a society
where the average person knows the cast of
B-B-Boston Public better than his own famam-am-amily. Still, it’s understandable ww-why this form of mass brainwashing was
so successful,” he said. “Da Vinci’s Inquest
is g-g-great TV.”
When elderly voter and noted television
viewer Constance Findley was asked her
reasons for supporting Campbell, she reacted with disinterest, then anger, and
then she cited a poignant episode of Da
Vinci’s Inquest.
“One time, the police found these
unidentified bones that no one seemed to
care about. But Da Vinci made a big deal
about it and never gave up trying to solve
the case. Eventually, he figured out they
were the remains of a little boy who went
missing during a blizzard,” she said. “That’s
my kind of mayor.”
Although many thought the demand for
safe injection sites in the Downtown
Eastside was this year’s big campaign
issue, Campbell secretly knew otherwise.
“The real question for voters was: ‘Which
candidate has a Gemini award-winning
TV show based on their life?’” he said. “I
do, silly.”
For his victory speech, Campbell had
considered thanking God for populating
his constituency “with so many homely,
sub-intelligent pawns.” But, on second
thought, he realised it would have been unwarranted because, ever since he became
associated with television, God has been
“out of the picture.”
In a rare telephone interview, the people
from television noted the pleasurable sensation they experienced when news of
Campbell’s election victory reached them
at the undisclosed location from which
they have been co-ordinating their global
efforts to usurp western democracy since
the early 1920s.
“We are pleased,” a spokesperson from
television said. “Everything is going according to plan.”
Total Recall for Liberals
BY PRIVA’AT EYZE
ampaigns have started to have
Premier Gordon Campbell and
the B.C. Liberal’s totally recalled — to Mars.
In a strange development, a company
based in California called ReKall and
headed by ex-Mr. Universe and aspiring
Chancellor of the United States, Arnold
Schwartzenegger, has approached local
groups recently gearing up to recall the
Liberals. The company says it wants to
help mend relations between business
leaders, politicians and the people of B.C.
by sending Gordon Campbell, his cabinet
and Jim Pattison on a “permanent” vacation to Mars.
Schwartzenegger who also acts as company spokesman, says he’s willing to put
his neo-fascist Republican politics aside in
order to oust Campbell’s harmful privatising corporate-welfare policies.
“It’s payback time,” he said of Campbell.
“Hasta la vista, Campbell.”
Schwartzenegger at first said he might
be willing to spare Campbell’s life if he
partakes in a mind-altering memory erasure technology being developed by his
company. The technology injects accelerated steroid enhancers into a subject
while also implanting a microchip that
blocks
out
recent
memories.
Schwartzenegger said he hopes that
Campbell will willingly undergo the procedure, and also hopes that he will comply with a move to Mars, where he might
use his prior experience as a realtor to
help develop the underdeveloped Martian landscape.
“Mr. Campbell, you will come with me, if
you want to live,” warned Schwartzenegger,
C
adding, “I swear, I will not kill anyone, I’m a
cybernetic organism: living tissue over a
metal endoskeleton.”
Schwartzenegger’s confused ultimatum
to Mr. Campbell didn’t end there. “I need
your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle,” he said. “And I will probably kill
you last.”
Campbell says he is undaunted by
Schwartzenegger’s bizarre threats, and says
that he is actually willing to comply with
the monotone Austrian’s demands, adding
that he should be more polite.
“He forgot to say please,” said Campbell.
“But I’ve actually been wanting to move to
Mars for some time.”
“I’m sick of these special interest groups
harassing me all the time, and I just want to
own private property that can’t be trespassed by Commercial Drive rabble and
Downtown Eastside scum.”
“Besides, I’m running out of money to
pay the cops for protection — so a move
would be nice,” added Campbell. “And I
can always get more buffed. Plastic surgery
just hasn’t worked for me.”
Surprisingly, upon hearing of Campbell’s
response, Schwartzenegger flew into a visceral rage and, going back on his promise,
vowed to kill the Premier while he was visiting California last week to observe how
they have gutted transit, hydro, and other
public services.
“Remember when I said I’d kill you last
Mr. Campbell,” he said. “I lied.”
At press time, Schwartzenegger, with
veins bulging out of his neck and a vicious sneer, was leaving his Los Angeles
office while loading a double-barrelled
shotgun.
“Stay here,” he told us.
“I’ll be back.”
Gordon Campbell says he would also consider getting juiced if he were recalled to Mars.
Geoff Plant photo illustration.
It’s All In the Name
BY ED ZACHARY
remier Campbell, lamenting the
loss of mayoral-hopeful Clarke,
held a press conference this
week deriding mayor-elect
Campbell. Campbell’s comments pointed
to the inefficiency of past-premier Clark, in
an effort to illustrate why Clarke, not
Campbell, was best for the job.
“Campbell was the wrong choice,” thundered Campbell from his media office on
Clark Drive.
Provincial education minister Clarke also
lamented Clarke’s loss. “Do you remember
what this province was like under premier
Clark? Well, only the election of Clarke to
the mayor’s office could have helped those
of us in the Campbell government in our
mission to erase Clark’s legacy of inefficient government. But you chose Camp-
P
bell over Clarke, so you’re stuck with
Clark’s legacy in Vancouver.”
Clarke recalled Premier Campbell’s
tenure as mayor of Vancouver with nostalgia, adding that, “There’ll never be another
Mayor Campbell. Particularly not our new
mayor, Mayor Campbell.”
But Premier Campbell’s speech was not
without its detractors. Campbell supporter
Clark Campbell was in this audience, to
voice his opposition to the Campbell government. When asked what his “Campbell’s Poop” button meant, Campbell
seemed confused.
The mood lightened considerably after
the press conference with the stand-up
comedy
of
Jerry
ClarkensteinCampbellburg, who quipped, “Have you
ever noticed how all Orientals are named
Wong? What’s up with that? There’s like five
pages of Wong in the phone book!”
BLU WEEZLES ILLUSTRATION
The New Wave
of Geek Chic
For your Christmas Wish-list
MAG InnoVision
15" LT565 LCD
$439
while quantities last
sfu microstore
For all your campus computing needs.
MBC 2000
ideo game consoles,
wearable computers,
sophisticated
cell
phones — finally geek
culture is getting its dues.
More people are following the
way of the geek and ditching old
school conversation for instant
messaging and cell phone relationships. In a recent study by the
Pinochle Group, the number of
pasty-looking white guys that
can’t get laid has increased by at
least 23 per cent. Many geeks
have heralded this news as a vic-
V
FREAK
OF THE WEEK
I’m feeling oddly aroused by passé
hairstyles this week. How about a
practical guide to cultivating a
thick, healthy mullet? A system for
classifying mullets is available
online for your viewing pleasure
at www.mulletsgalore.com/.
Among the styles pictured are the
Classic Mullet, Cokemullet,
Euromullet, Aussiemullet,
Trailermullet, Atomicfemullet, and
Skullet. • Ash Sparagus
NATIONAL DAY OF ACTION TO
END VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN
FRIDAY DEC. 6TH
EVENTS:
PATHWAYS THROUGH VIOLENCE INTERACTIVE DISPLAY
tory for geek culture and a sign gear that includes a graphing calthat the rest of the world will soon culator, Palm Pilot and a salad
be overly dependent on technol- shooter. More sophisticated geeks
ogy, as most geeks have been have been seen skulking about in
bright orange safety vests with a
most of their lives.
“I can’t live without my broad- full desktop computer slung over
one shoulder and an
band connection. I’d
LCD
monitor
die without it,”
glued to their
said a young
forehead. This
geek
nickis of course
named
X3N0D0NK3Y
the
extreme
RoboPumpkin.
case; most tech
His moniker is
users are somewhat
due mostly to a rotund
appearance and a variety of more moderated.
The more common fashion achoses and cables hooking his
body up to the Internet so that cents are the cell phone, the overhis body can be constantly regu- priced pocket computer, the laser
lated and monitored by the hos- pointer, a music device that plays
pital. Like RoboPumpkin, the either MP3s or CDs, and a wristcurrent batch of teenagers is see- watch that can tell the time in all
ing less and less sunlight, which time-zones for Earth and Mars.
is a sign that the video game in- There have been a few sightings of
people with handheld GPS units,
dustry is thriving.
“When I get home I can’t wait to but most of them were out explorrub Vaseline all over my body and ing the wilderness and were missplay Grand Theft Auto: Vice City,” ing common geek traits, like lack
shouted an overly exuberant stu- of skin tone.
We are now entering the age of
dent at John Oliver High School.
Surprisingly young men are not the web, where we will soon be
the only ones avoiding dermal able to do all vital bodily funccontact, opting strictly to see the tions by means of a vast commuworld through the eyes of a web- nications network. Microsoft is in
cam. Five examples of women the process of coding MS Downengaging in similar behaviour load Utility, a piece of software to
have also been unearthed in regulate and schedule bowel
Canada, which is causing anthro- movements. Both software and
pologists and psychologists to hardware will be playing an inwonder what the hell is wrong creasing role in the lives of everyday citizens. Computing scientists
with the youth of today.
The few geeks that are stepping view this as a re-entry into the age
outdoors are bringing an increas- of enlightenment, social scientists
ing amount of computing gear have tentatively scheduled the
along with them. The “tech have- apocalypse (on their Palm Pilots)
nots” usually carry a surplus of for July 2, 2005 at 8:15 a.m.
Dot
ORGASM
Convocation Mall, 11:00–3:00 pm
REMEMBRANCE
Convocation Mall, 12:30 pm
Light a candle for the women who have perished, survived
and continue to battle violence in their daily lives.
Take it back
BY K. SALSAT
VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN OF COLOUR
Forum Chambers MBC, 1:00–2:30 pm
Panel and Discussion
WHITE RIBBON CAMPAIGN
Convocation Mall, 11:00–3:00 pm
Men working to end violence against women
TUNE INTO
ON DEC. 6th FOR SPECIAL PROGRAMMING
PRESENTED BY SFU WOMEN’S CENTRE FUNDED BY THE SFSS. ADDITIONAL FUNDING BY:
APPLIED SCIENCES,WSSU, SFPIRG,WOMEN’S STUDIES AND THE DEAN OF STUDENT SERVICES
UXEMBOURG — Luxembourg nationalists
flooded
the
Main
Square in downtown
Luxembourg last Tuesday, waving
flags and slogans and playing the
national anthem, “Ons Hémécht,”
over and over again.
The rally was spearheaded by a
national organisation called Take
Back Luxembourg, whose aim is
“to preserve and propagate the
jeopardised intellectual and cultural traditions of Luxembourg.”
“We want to highlight the annihilation of Luxembourg culture
by countries like Belgium,” said
Take Back Luxembourg cofounder Danke Yew, who is majoring in Luxembourgish literature and history at the University
of Luxembourg.
“We Luxembourgers have had
enough. We are encouraged not
to take pride in ourselves. We
are completely subjugated by
the mainstream Belgian media.
L
I am sick of the denigration of
our cultural identity! MAY LUXEMBOURG LIVE FOREVER!”
Yew added.
Grand Duke Henri, Luxembourg’s head of state, was also
present at the festivities, strolling
past cheering crowds with a small
dog tucked under his arm. He was
heard to mumble, “Must try the
ice cream.”
Proud Luxembourger Mary Gottbelly had her daughter drive her
all the way across the country to
attend the rally.
“We were so anxious to get here,
we sped the entire hour’s ride,“
chuckled the 89-year-old patriot.
Strips of red, white and blue
material were passed throughout
the crowd and signed by passersby. These will eventually be
pinned together to form the
largest Luxembourg flag ever
made, and presented to the country’s one surviving war veteran on
Pancake Day (February 3), Luxembourg’s most important national holiday.
Guess who’s back
BY PRÊT A. PORTER
minem returns to the
silver screen in this
winter’s blockbuster
flick, 8 Smiles. He
reprises his role as Jimmy “Rabbit” Smith. This time around,
Rabbit realises that his lyrical talents are truly wasted and begins
to spend more time with his
daughter. One day, he realises that
he has a real knack for making her
giggle with joy every single time
he does something funny in front
of her. This gives Rabbit an idea.
He decides to start his own cable
access television show for kids.
He dresses up as a jolly rabbit,
which may seem a little odd, but
you can really feel this young
man’s pain as he grows up in a
neighbourhood where he is the
sole white kid entertaining kids
on television. Rabbit goes up on
stage the first day and chokes, lit-
E
erally, as he accidentally swallows
a plastic carrot and ends up doubled over on stage to a chorus of
boos from an audience of toddlers.
Down but not out, Rabbit trains
hard like Rocky used to for his
fights, as he practices in front of
his friends, family and his young
baby girl — scaring the shit out of
her a couple of times with his
grandiose ears. Nevertheless,
Rabbit is determined to prevail;
it’s his duty, even if he’s only a
white rabbit in a colored rabbit’s
world.
Never does Eminem overdo
things in the film, using his “less is
more” approach to truly convey
his pain to the audience. I
laughed, I cried, I even choked on
my popcorn a little but in the end
it all came together. Rabbit was
meant to entertain kids and he’d
finally found his place.
Shit-disturbing, lyrically hateful
prick? Yes. But, this guy’s a star!
Can (and
will)
rock
BY DICK WEED
s they share a postshow smoke outside
of Miss T’s Cabaret,
the members of local
Can-rock sensation Meaty Ochre
Tea ask me to tell you their plan.
After signing with a “Canadian, or
maybe North American” label,
they want to “light Vancouver on
fire with our hot licks, strong
beats and universal message [to
white, middle class suburbia].”
Lead vocalist and guitarist
Richie Stewart, formerly of West
Vancouver’s pre-eminent garage
band, Uncles and Angst, puts it
simply. “Whether you live in an
African shantytown, or graduated
from [prestigious private school]
St. George’s, anybody can relate to
vague songs about love, breaking
up, and meeting new girls.” A particularly poignant message coming from Stewart, a St. George’s
A
Richie Stewart brings West
Vancouver consciousness to urban
punk-pop Can-rock.
alumnus who “totally” hopes to
visit “Nigeria, Uganda, and subSaharan Africa” once Meaty Ochre
Tea starts touring.
“Disgusted” with the materialism of their peers, Stewart, bassist
Todd Baker, drummer David MacDonald, and half-Korean keyboardist Trevor Lim-Shultz took
the road less travelled after graduation, opting to backpack around
SEE PAGE 13
FROM PAGE 11
Europe and Australia for 10
months, shunning the businessschool dreams of their classmates.
“I can’t be part of that world,”
says Stewart, “I just have no interest in Mercedes’ and BMWs, when
I could be spending that money
on new amps, guitars, pedals, distorters, mixers, and then just like
a totally regular car. Like an Acura
or an Explorer.”
Mixing bittersweet lyrics with
pop-punk sensibilities, Meaty
Ochre Tea have quickly ascended
the ranks of Vancouver’s thriving
Caucasian music scene, bringing
Cauc-rock to new heights. From
the emo influence on title-track
“You Don’t Even Know Me” to the
sublime lyrical irony of “Who’s
He?,” Stewart and company are
asserting their right to respect:
“Who’s he?/ I thought you’d be
here wanting/ Wanting me/ Now I
see you’re wanting/ Wanting me/
to be wondering aloud/ Who is
this guy?/ Holding your hand?/
Handing me a guilty verdict/
bailiff’s locking me down/ Who’s
He?”
When I ask Stewart what the
group’s plans are for future releases, his eyes light up. “We’re totally about experimenting with
world sounds and beats, you know?
We’re going to explore some international influences, to really illustrate Vancouver’s thriving multiculturalism. Like you know how the
high black keys on a piano can
sound like Chinese music? We’re
going to use that, for sure.”
Another
day, another
great Bond
installment
BY PRÊT A. PORTER
his show was good —
very good. I liked it.
Two thumbs up. A stellar performance! Pierce
Brosnan is James Bond! Halle
Berry is electrifying! One of the
year’s best action films! Breathtaking! A winner! Venue: Capitol 6
Theatre. Date: Nov 21, 2002
T
The Dart Life not all
it’s cracked up to be
n this society athletes are placed on a
pedestal. Professional athletes have
their every move chronicled by everincreasing numbers of media outlets.
The pressure to perform is as intense as
your mother’s gaze when you pass gas at
the dinner table. It is not a glorious life
being caught in the professional sports vortex.
Yet there are a few brave souls who persevere for love of the game. And the money
isn’t bad either. I am referring of course to
the warriors of the bar
room, the heroes of the
pint – professional
darts players.
“People see us on TV
and think it’s the perfect
life,” said Fatty Fatterson.
“But what they don’t see is the hours of
training spent chugging pints and pints of
beer. People don’t realise that I had to work
extremely hard to get my body in peak
physical condition.”
Fatterson should know. He has been
ranked #1 in the world on six separate occasions and has 98 tournament wins in his
career. Standing an imposing 5’7”, the 44
year-old tips the scales at a svelte 325.
Beer Belly, Fatterson’s longtime combatant for the coveted world’s #1 ranking,
shares his rival’s sentiments.
“The fans often can’t see past our huge
I
bellies,” said Belly. “We are people too. We
have feelings. Just because we have been
blessed with amazing athletic ability and
liver capacity doesn’t mean we don’t bleed
too.”
Life on the road is so tough that both
Belly and Fatterson admit to substance
abuse.
“I know both Fatty and I have had to deal
with this,” explained Belly. “We both taken
performance enhancing steroids to develop our physiques. Everyone assumes it’s
just the insane amounts
of beer and cheeseburgers, but those only go so
far.”
“We have both gotten
treatment and are doing
fine,” said an intoxicated
Fatterson. “It was not easy to kick the habit.
You see other dart players out there and
every year they get bigger and stronger and
you have to find a way to keep up. We
shouldn’t have done what we did, but we
didn’t know what else to do. We needed to
make rapid weight gains and the trips to
Uncle Willy’s weren’t doing it anymore.”
Why go public now? Why air your dirty
laundry when the millions are pouring in?
It’s a matter of respect.
“I am tired of being objectified,” explained the emotionally charged Fatterson.
“I am a person too. All the women who
Sports
Boobzoo Jones
Jiggles
Kraftenhurst
want to be with me only for my body and
money need to know the real me. The guy
who likes to watch football and eat cheese
wheels.”
Don’t think for a second though that
these issues will be enough to stop these
warriors. Belly is especially motivated to
prove that he is in the worst shape of his life
and assert himself as the finest dart player
in the world.
“I love to throw a needle attached to a
plastic feather at a piece of wood hung on a
re you kidding me? Why is this even a
debate? We might as well debate the
merits of Marbles or Tiddley Winks
as sports if we are going to discuss eating soup. It is obviously a sport.
It’s a cold winter
night and you’ve just arrived home
from work. You’re hungry and
make your way to the cupboards.
What do you choose to please
your palette? Soup, of course. Is
there any doubt?
And when you open the can and
heat the delicious soup, that’s when
the “sport” aspect begins. It is a race
• Chooch
with yourself to see how quickly you can
eat it. The wrist action is unlike any other
sport. The scooping motion of each spoonful requires perfect technique, or else some will spill back into the
bowl. Much like a gymnast, soup eaters must be flawless in their
approach or they risk failure.
This self competition is only the beginning. Soup eating acts as a
training ground for the eating competitions that are springing up
around the globe. These competitors train endlessly. They are warriors in the mold of hot dog eating champions. With each passing
event, the world record is shattered.
The competition is so fierce that specialists are even emerging.
There are the vegetarians, those who specialise in the creamy
soups, and those who enjoy a little gumbo.
If soup eating isn’t considered a sport then this world just doesn’t
make sense to me anymore.
A
s this really the topic? Are you serious
man? Soup eating? Isn’t this the type of
thing where people debate curling or
ballroom dancing or something? What I am supposed to write for this
man?
I mean people
eat soup. I eat soup after I enjoy a
little personal time, if you get my
drift man. What kind of weirdo
trains for soup eating competitions?
I suppose it requires some co-ordination to use a spoon and scoop
the soup out of the bowl and into your
• Cheng
mouth. Especially if you are in the state of
mind that I am when I usually have soup. But
if that is the case then wouldn’t using a television
remote qualify as requiring some athletic ability?
Who is this guy who thinks that it is a sport? I mean look at his
picture. You call that a moustache? He needs work man. He must
have gotten beaten up a lot when he was a kid. That’s harsh man,
but that’s the way it goes. That’s usually the way it works. Because
people are too fragile to play real sports, they come up with stupid
things like soup eating to call sports. It certainly levels the playing
field in terms of athletic ability.
To the professional soup eaters out there, relax man. I have the
perfect cure for what ails you. You know what though, you scare
me. Honestly, I am going to get an alarm installed in my car and in
my house because you really do scare me. I can’t write anymore.
I’ve got to go. Don’t ask me to do this again.
I
Sport
Gin and Juice
and The Sweet
Georgia Brown
Sports, the
perfect
combination . . .
BEYATCH!
wall. There is nothing else like it. What
other sport exists where you can have a
beer in between each turn and make millions while doing it?”
They will continue to make their millions
and expand their waist sizes, but it is not
without a price. When so many athletes are
glorified before they have really had any
significant accomplishments, it is nice to
know that there are some sport stars who
put their heart and soul into everything
they do. Real warriors do exist.
Not a Sport
Street Yoga a threat
to establishment
n a shocking turn of events the Western
Canadian Yoga championships disintegrated into a violent spectacle with the
event eventually being cancelled and
no representative being sent to the national
championships in Nunavut in January.
The first 17 days of competition proceeded as scheduled with some outstanding competition. There were exciting upsets
as young upstarts knocked off established
veteran stars. The 38 rounds of action culminated in Saturday’s final showdown between Stretchy McSpandex and Tights
Tighterson.
It was the posses of the
respective yoga champions that caused the
trouble. After a beautifully executed warrior pose
by McSpandex his crew
began to taunt Tighterson’s camp.
Shouts of “you aren’t very flexible” and
“you don’t know what inner peace is” were
heard as the finger pointing began. Before
Tighterson could perform his version of the
Warrior pose, it was a full-blown slap fest. It
was indeed a terrible scene. Hair pulling
and face slapping were the norm.
In a particularly heart wrenching incident,
one man lost a nail. He was in agony from
the pain and worried aloud about his ability
to tie his shoes.
I
McSpandex and Tighterson even got into
the fray, launching piercing verbal barbs
across the Yoga mat.
The incident was one more commonly
seen on an episode of Will & Grace.
“It was an inferno out there,” said McSpandex. “You could cut the tension with a
knife. Then when the trash-talking between
my peoples and his homies started it was
crazy, man. Tighterson and his crew were
just playa hatin’.”
Tighterson saw things in a different light.
“Hey, this stuff happens,” explained the
highly emotional competitor. “His posse doesn’t respect the street
yoga that I bring. They
are scared that their way
is being threatened. My
peeps were just handling their business.”
Tournament director Stretch Powers was
shocked by the day’s events.
“Underlying all forms of yoga is the understanding that the human being is more
than the physical body and that, through a
course of discipline, it is possible to discover
what this ‘more’ is,” he said. “Yoga is the current of spirituality that has developed on
the Indian peninsula over a period of some
five thousand years. Its three major cultural
branches are Hindu yoga, Buddhist Yoga,
Sports
Stabilo Thrust
Jiggles
Kraftenhurst
and Jaina yoga. Within each of these great
spiritual cultures, yoga has assumed various
forms. But this ‘street yoga’, as Tighterson
calls it, is ruining the sport.”
The aftermath of this debacle is not going
to be pretty. Both Tighterson and McSpandex will donate their winnings from the
tournament to charity. Between the two
competitors this totals over $1 million. They
will also be suspended for the next two
tournaments so that they can “take a time-
out and reflect on what they’ve done,” according to Powers.
Few things are more breathtaking than
the perfect execution of a yoga pose. Be it
the Tree, Downward Dog, Missionary, Recycling Bin or Phone Booth, each pose is
beautiful in its own unique way. But the
times they are a-changin’. Street yoga, as evidenced by this brawl and the arrival of
Tighterson, is coming to shake up the yoga
world. We’ll be watching with bated breath.
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Campus Security is now accepting applications for the position of
Student Patroller to work part-time from 6 to 24 hours per week on
routine campus patrol duties throughout the day and night. Positions
are available in the Spring 2003 Semester. Open to all SFU students.
Qualifications:
• Must have an effective public relations manner and good
oral/written communication skills
• Must be able to accept responsibility and work under pressure
• Must be able to work independently, and as a team player.
• Must have a good working knowledge of the campus
• Must be able to commit to 2 or more semesters as a Student
Patroller
• Must have completed at least 1 semester at the Burnaby
Mountain campus
Additional Information:
• Selected students will undergo initial training that is comprised of
a classroom orientation and one-on-one on-the-job training.
Further training is provided throughout the year.
• Rate of pay is $8.50 / hour to start, with increments up to $10.00
To Apply: Submit your resume with cover letter, noting it "Attention: Student Patrol Assistant Coordinator" to Campus Security Information Center TC 001, or fax it to 291-5983, or via
email attachment to [email protected], by deadline Nov. 22. Interviews to be held at the end of the Fall 2002 semester.
the
[email protected]
inquiries: 604-291-3598
deadline: 2:30 Wednesday
Wanted
LINGUISTICS TUTOR wanted to help me in LING
110, The Wonder of Words. I will pay you money!
[email protected]
DRUMMER WANTED (19-24): Drive and Determination a must. Rock/Alt band PAINTED SELF itching to return to Van. music scene. Each member
has many different influences. Info: Warren 604913-6690 or [email protected].
Looking for a cheap sublet for 2 weeks in early
dec. Ideally around the Vancouver area. Email:
[email protected]
1 ticket to XFM’s “not so silent night” feat. Disturbed. Dec. 11. Will pay reasonable price. Contact [email protected]
Housing: Vancouver
Female roommate wanted for large three-bedroom rooftop apartment. December 2002 till April
2003. $500 utilities and high-speed access included. Large furnished room, computer access.
Near Main and Broadway. 604-874-6697
(Melinda)
Proven safest inter-race inter-gender (anti-nazi)
home $195/woman $390/couple. [email protected]. 604-716-0266 7pm-8am &
weekend. 1816 E. 13th near both SkyTrains. No
smoke drug pet
Share a beautiful Chinatown 4bdr 2bath condo w/
3 others. (+cats!) Fresh paint, hardwood floors.
Skytrain and Hastings bus close. w/d, phone,
view!
$500
all
incl
604.809.4489
[email protected]
Housing: Burnaby
Female student looking for roomate. Nice 2 bedroom basementsuite (20min to sfu). no pets, no
smoking. 412.50/month including utilities. shared
laundry.
partially
furnished,
close
to
shopping/transit. Steffi: 604-779-5961
Room available in student oriented house. Suits
young, clean female. Sperling & Halifax area, 13
min to SFU. Avail. Dec 1. 395 + 1/4. n/p
Sarah/Lauren 324-3321
Housing: Coquitlam
1 bedroom available in a bright, ground level 2
bedroom basement suite. Looking for quite person, N/S, N/P. $399.00/month. Includes: cable,
phone, hydro, large yard. Close to Lougheed Mall,
transit and SFU. Available Dec 7. Call Leslie @
604-931-4855
Roommate wanted for fully furnished room in
house. Walking distance to Skytrain & Lougheed
mall. Avail. Jan. 03 for 4 mo. sublet. $300 + utils.
Call Arthur @ 604-939-1045
Feel right at home. Spacious room in a nice clean
home! 10 min. from SFU, close to shopping, rec.
centre & library. Incl. use of kitchen & laundry facilities. $400/mo. Patricia: 604-939-6260
1 bdrm avail. in a bright, ground lvl 2 bdrm basement suite. Looking for quiet person, N/S, N/P.
$399.00/mo. Incl.: cable, phone, hydro, lge yard.
Close to Lougheed Mall, transit & SFU. Avail. Dec
7. Contact Leslie at (604)931-4855 or email:
[email protected]
Housing: Surrey
Lge 1 bdrm suite for rent in Surrey. 10 mins from
new SFU Campus. New appliances, shared laundry and lge backyard. Located in quiet cul de sac.
Available Dec 1. $500.00 incl. utils. Ph: 951-8957
Housing: On-Campus
Large Room available on campus from January
01, Rent is $330 including utilities. You must be
full
time
student.
Contact:
[email protected]
On campus room available from Jan 01. I am
looking for a quiet roommate. The rent including
utilities
is
$295.
Email
me
at:
[email protected]
Lge Room avail. on campus from Jan. 1, Rent is
$330 incl. utils. You must be a full time student.
Contact: [email protected]
For Sale: Books
SPANISH 102/103 textbook and new lab manual:
$120 obo. The bookstore doesn't sell the lab
manual used, so here's a chance to save yourself
fifty bucks. Doug: 604-521-1499.
ECON 103 Textbook for Sale: Principles of Microeconomics by N. Gregory Mankiw and ...(Second
Canadian Edition), in exc. condition. for $50. Contact: [email protected]
For Sale: Sports
BRAND NEW NORCO KATHMANDU V-brakes,
speed shifters, chromoly tubing, aluminum rims
with v-rubber tires, 3-m rackpack, gel seat and
much much more. Moving so selling for only
$250. Call Alex @pgr# (604)296-2327
CHEAP SNOWBOARD GEAR! Morrow Blaze
160cm board $75 Ride Concept 157 $75 Burton
CFX bindings $100 Billabong Pants $75 AND
MORE! Blake [email protected]
SNOWBOARD: Nitro Titan, 152cm, Red, Salomon
bindings, $400 - only used 5 times - email [email protected]
'97 rocky mtn cardiac bike w/ suspension - good
shape, used for 2 seasons $400. like new bauer
6.0 rollerblades $80. Cheryl 837-8134
Women’s mountain bike. Great brakes, traction.
Like new, with water bottle holder & rat trap. Only
$75.
Eve:
298-0287
or
email
[email protected]
For Sale: Automotive
2001 Honda RC51 Motorbike For Sale. (1000cc VTwin) 25,000km's, like new, never been down.
$14,500 obo. Call (604) 808-6675.
1995 NISSAN SENTRA, 2 dr, auto, 111,000 kms,
dark red, no rust, great commuter car: asking
$5600 obo. Contact- [email protected]
1981 BMW 320i, 2dr, 5spd manual, air-cared.
$1800 obo. Call 604 298-9923.
Mercury Topaz, 1988. Exc. running condition.
Have receipts. Great body. $1300 obo. 604-2985011
'87 SAAB 900, auto., 2 dr, HB, glossy black w/
plum interior. Exc. cond., runs reliably, asking
$6000 obo. Call Denise (604) 504-0194 or [email protected]
GREAT DEAL!! 1996 Ford Escort LX. Black, h/b,
cd player, sunroof, 97,000 kms, air cared, new
battery, great condition. $4800. Call 767-5986.
For Sale: Household
Moving Out Sale! TV stand 38”x16”x16.5”-$25.
19” Toshiba TV 19”-$170. Glass coffee table
50”x26.5”x16.5”-$85. All prices negotiable!!!
Email: [email protected]
Moving Sale! Desk + chair, 2 kitchen chairs, oriental carpet, dresser with vanity mirror, floor lamp,
touch lamp. Cheap! email: julie at: [email protected]
Double Bed. Wooden frame. Mattress included. In
good condition. $75 obo. Contact Gail at
[email protected]
QUEEN-SIZE mattress, in good condition, no
stains, etc.: $125. Or, mattress and foundation for
$200. Doug: 604-521-1499
6-piece living room set with matching family.
Odourless. [email protected]
Double bed, like new, with Ikea frame $250 obo.
L-shaped office desk, 1 yr. old $100 obo. Office
chair $45 obo. Stylish quality office desk $150
obo. Call 604-764-1012 if interested
Moving sale: washer/dryer $200, dresser $35,
nightstand and futon - make me an offer. Call 604291-7136 or email [email protected]
For Sale: Misc.
N64+Games: incl. 3 controllers, expansion pack, 5
games (Zelda, 007-Golden Eye, Mario Go-Cart, a
ski/snowboarding one) Asking for $160, obo. Pls.
contact [email protected]
New, unused $25 prepaid telus phone card on sale
for $20. Email [email protected]
TORI AMOS (2) tickets, Mon Dec 9 7:30 at Queen
Elizabeth Theatre. Row 23 Right Centre. Must sell,
asking face value $49 ea. [email protected]
Attention SFU BIOLOGY students and faculty: New
t-shirts with bio-logo for sale in common
room(B8231) Fridays 12:30-1:30PM and during
Jungle Fever social. 16$ each."
!!!!!NELLY & THE ST. LUNATICS!!!!! @ GM
PLACE Front row tickets to the concert on December 3rd, 2002. $150 each ticket. Call Pinder
(604)418-4788 or [email protected]
Dresser, nightstand, large mirror set (maple) $110
obo. Rower exercise machine $45 obo. 92
tracker softtop, 2 piece, back has semi-repaired
slice in window $60 obo. Contact Sarah @ 3243321
1 yamaha trombone in grt cond, no dents, some
laquer blemish. comes w/ case, mouthpiece, slide
oil and grease $350 obo email [email protected]
Good condition Yamaha Acoustic Guitar FG-310,
perfect for beginner, new strings, nice Gig bag included. $120 OBO. 604-5178820 after 6pm.
Beautiful middle eastern apperal, table cloths,
water pipes, mosaic boxes, jewelary, belly dance
costumes at affordable prices!! Great Xmas Presents!! call Nabil 468-4260
For Sale: Computers
HURRY BUY YOUR COMPUTER from me for
school! Great price $750 obo 1GH, 30GB, 256MB
RAM, WINDOWS XP, 1 yr warranty ETC
[email protected]
Computer, 100 mHz, cd-rom & modem, with 15”
colour monitor, cables & monitor stand. $50.
For sale: 300 mHz processor, 64 mb ram, 4 gb
hard drive, 17” monitor, cd-rom, modem, MS office 2000, & more. $450 obo. Also, Kong DW8000 MIDI synthesizer $250. Call 604.764.1012
Employment
Travel and Teach English: Jobs Guaranteed-Great
Pay. TESOL Certified in 5 days in class (or online
or by correspondence). Attend a FREE Info Seminar. FREE Infopack: 1-888-270-2941 or
globaltesol.com
RESORT RECRUITERS INC. Tropical Resorts and
Cruise Lines are Now Hiring for FALL, SPRING,
and SUMMER Positions. Travel and earn money at
the same time! Call (604) 444-6888.
WORKPLACE ETIQUETTE & ETHICAL RECRUITING PRESENTATION Featuring KPMG, Enterprise
Rent A Car, PMC-Sierra, TD Bank Thurs Nov 7,
WMX 2230, 12:30-2:20 Register at HCCC, email
[email protected] or call 291-3106
Psychology/Education student wanted to work
with high functioning autistic child in afterschool
daycare setting. 4 days/wk, 3:00-5:30pm. Close to
SFU. Training in Applied Behavioral Analysis
(ABA) provided. Good wage. Contact [email protected], or call 604-936-5152
Services
In pain? HELP IS AVAILABLE @ SFU PHYSIO
(PHYSIOTHERAPY) Open to all students, staff &
faculty. Located under the West Gym. Drop by or
call 604-291-3284. No referral necessary
www.sfu.ca/hccc
GSM unlocking service. SonyEricsson, Motorola
and
Nokia
models.
Email
me
[email protected] price $30-$40
VIOLIN LESSONS- Prof. Symphony 1st violinist,
years of teaching experience. All levels welcome.
Very reasonable rates, instruments avail. Email:
[email protected]
Celebrating a Christmas Event? Invite our carolsinging quartet to add to a festive spirit! We sing
4-part harmony in English & French. Call Luke,
604-251-9092 or [email protected]
TUTORING ASSOCIATION OF CANADA. Tutoring
Available! All subject areas. Canada's Premier Tutoring Service! Flexible Hours. Public or Private.
Call Us for an appoinment! (604)908-1900 or
Get help with your research! SFPIRG's alternative
library and resource centre is open to all students.
TC 326 (in the rotunda, 2 floors above the bus
stop) www.sfu.ca/~sfpirg
Learning Center Opening in Coquitlam Dec 1st
under leadership of SFU Doctoral Candidate. 27
yrs of ESL/teaching exp in Euro & N.America. Research paper, essay, study skills, assistance. Info
6049415462.
Volunteers
Take Action! SFPIRG's action groups want you.
International Solidarity, Radical Cheerleaders, Zine
Publishing, Environmental Action and more...visit
us at www.sfu.ca/~sfpirg or at TC 326.
Personals
Nice, easy-going, musical christian boy looking
for christian girls for friends. Email at:
[email protected]
Life's wierd, you get an apple but you want an orange. It then hands you an orange but you want
an apple. Afterwards you realize all you ever
wanted was a grapefruit. [email protected]
21yr Male with variety of psychotic tendancies
looking for female with violent mental disorders.
Send email with résumé detailing mental pathology. [email protected]
Messages
I'm a sex tchotchke!!!
Ashley is waiting for her ring!
To: Justin From: Everyone in the LOOP When are
you sending out the wedding invitations?¿
Chartwells SUCKS! Terrible food, bad service (that
guy ripped me off), almost only disposable dishware avail., & they replaced the Roger’s Brown
sugar with some other crap! ARG!
People, could you PLEASE stop pulling the damn
fire alarm in McCow every weekend? Much appreciated. Losers.
To those of you who do not support the UPASS,
ever wonder how much of our student fees have
been allotted in the past to pay for parking lots by
those who do not drive to school? What about all
the athletic fees paid by those who never ultilze
any of the athletic programs at SFU?
Lost & Found
AQ 3181. Friday. Glasses in Calvin Klein box found
at 2:30 on Nov. 8. Item at security.
Events: Off-Campus
The Bloodsisters present Ax Tampax at Pointless
Hysteria 110 W. Hastings. Thurs. Nov. 28. For
more info. email [email protected]
Candlelight Vigil for Homeless Kids. Thurs. Dec. 5,
5 pm. Vancouver Art Gallery (Robson side).
I Saw You
Our eyes locked in the men's bathroom mirror
I was the tall, dark, handsome guy, with the goatee
and the left ear pierced. I pointed at you with my
left hand and smiled warmly. You were the tall,
dark, handsome guy, with the goatee and the right
ear pierced. You pointed at me with your right
hand and smiled sensually. Did we just have a
"moment"?
late Nightly
till 1 am
Bar & Grill Open
DAILY
LUNCH SPECIAL
Dine in or Take Out
4
$
95
(10 entries to
choose from)
DINNER
SPECIALS
5 PM
TO
9:30 PM
Sun.
Mon.
Tues.
Wed.
Thurs.
Pasta Night
Steak Night
Burger Night
Souvlaki Night
Salmon Night
2 for 1
Mon.
to
...$4.95 APPETIZSun.
ERS
...$4.95
10 p.m
FOR
close to
...$4.95
...$4.95
2
1
• Dine In only • With purchase of 1 beverage per item ordered
4625 HASTINGS STREET BBY. • 604-298-SITE (7483)
Fred Savage Love
J u a n
D e r y e e r s
ON CAMPUS EVENTS
Monday November 25
Constitution amendments - position and role
changes. Come have your say.
am a 22-year-old man
coming out of a heterosexual relationship that
I’ve been in since I was
15. For the last several years of
my relationship, I felt little
sexual interest in my partner,
or women in general. Since the
relationship ended, I’ve been
surprised to find that I’m as intrigued by many of the men
I’m meeting as well as the
women. Though not too interested sexually, I’ve felt a strong
desire to be “around the guys,”
and have been spending more
time with guy friends swimming, playing pool, and just
talking over coffee. Is this normal? I’m confused.
Forgot About Girls
I
It looks to me, FAG, like you
may be suffering from THS —
total homo syndrome! “I’ve felt
a strong desire to be ‘around
the guys’”!?! That’s the gayest
thing I’ve ever heard, and I
read letters from fruits all day
long. Have fun on the cruise,
bruiser! Maybe one of your
new boyfriends’ll buy you a
rainbow shirt.
I AM A 14-year-old boy just
awakening to my sexuality,
and am in the process of figuring things out. The problem is,
my ultra-religious family is
making things difficult. I am
being raised in a wealthy
household steeped in the Wahhabi tradition of Catholicism,
and as such I’ve been taught
that masturbation is a grievous
sin. I feel, however, that physical self-love is a healthy, natural explorative process that
will allow me to find out what
makes me comfortable sexually. Am I wrong? Doesn’t
everyone masturbate?
Feeling Utterly Zesty,
Zealous Yuppie Parents
Argue Lusty Masturbation
Sinful
Well FUZZYPALMS, you may
think that despite growing up
in an environment hostile to
open sexual discourse, you’ve
come to a very mature, measured, sophisticated conclusion
about healthy sexual exploration. And I may think that
you are a gross, pale-faced,
loner jerk-off geek. The difference is, I’m right. Regardless of
what you may think about the
other kids at your school, none
of them whack off, because
none of them are perverts. You
are alone — alone with your
boner! Guess it’s not all bad,
eh Luke Conestroker?
I AM A 28-year-old man in a
monogamous sexual relation-
ship
with
a
26-year-old
woman. We have a normal sexual relationship, with one
hitch: She only comes to orgasm through oral sex, and I
am not familiar with the ins
and outs of “going down.” Can
you recommend any guides to
giving a woman effective, caring oral love?
Basically, Advice Desired.
Books? Reading?
Anything To Help
The whole thing of “you’ve
gotta go down on a chick to
make her come” is a total
myth. Basically, BADBREATH,
if your dick is big enough, a
normal girl will get off on just
you sticking it in. Normally,
when a girl is giving me lip
about “Go down on me” or “Eat
me out,” I just tell her not to
be such a snob. Then, if it’s
clear she’s good, I stick it in
harder, to prove she doesn’t
need me to eat her. See buddy?
First the carrot, then the stick.
If all else fails, your girlfriend
can just masturbate after you
come. Oh, and in case FUZZYPALMS gets any ideas: It’s only
hot when chicks do it, stupid.
I AM A Québecois woman who
has been disturbed by the recent rash of anti-Québecois
racism that has been appearing in your column. Do readers
think that it is appropriate for
a syndicated American columnist — totally ignorant of the
colonial history of Canada’s
denial of self-determination
for Natives, Métis and FrenchCanadians — to voice his completely unsophisticated, prejudiced conjecture to an uneducated public? Is it not hypocritical for a writer who
preaches tolerance to echo the
same chauvinist, hateful rhetoric minorities have heard for
centuries?
Frenchie Uses Column,
Kaleidoscopic Diversity
And Never Sinks to Attacking
Venerated American
Gays Except…
Well, FUCKDANSAVAGE, I repeat my words of wisdom:
don’t be such a snob. Give me a
few seconds in between your
“two solitudes,” and I’ll make
the case for federalism all over
your chin.
Juan Deryeers’ new book, Running
from
Gonnorhea
( Wroughtledge), is on sale now.
For more info visit runningfromgonnorhea.com/.
Send your Fred Savage Love
questions to [email protected].
Linguistics Student Union Meeting. RCB 7205
@ 3:30 pm. More elections & constitutional
review + social & study opportunities & more.
Tuesday November 26
Thursday November 28
Poetry Reading by Trish Salah: 10:30-11:30
am in Education 8651. The SFU Dept. of English presents Trish Salah, reading from her
new collection of poetry, Wanting in Arabic.
Indigenous Alliances: Discussion and Video
Screening. Guest speakers from Sun Peaks,
Philippine Youth Alliance and Redwire Magazine.12:30-3:00 MBC 2290/2292 LUNCH
PROVIDED SFPIRG Activism 101 workshop
co-sponsored by FNSA.
SFU Student Composers: 12:30 in the SFU
Theatre. The newest in New Music by selected students performed by professional
musicians.
Healthy During Crunch Time: 12:30 in MBC0300. You can eat well, sleep well, exercise
AND study when exam time looms - find out
how.
TSSU General Meeting: 11:30-1:30, MBC
2296. Agenda includes Election Results &
Ratification, Donation & Finance Committee
Report, SFU Anti-War Coalition.
Wednesday November 27
BATTLE OF THE BANDS!! Come check out 4
great bands performing at their very best for
the chance to walk away as the CJSF Indie
night champions!! Buy your tickets before
Nov. 15th for only $4. Tickets are now available at the pub, and at CJSF.
FREE HEALTHY BREAKFAST ANYONE? Come
to the ATRIUM CAFETERIA (next to Mr. Sub)
in the MAGGIE BENSTON BUILDING 9-11 am
The Scarlet Tide Brigade & Out On Campus
present I Shot Andy Warhol. 6:30 p.m. at Out
On Campus. Snacks provided.
Marketing Your Skills: 3:30 - 4:30 in MBC0300. Find out what skills employers are
looking for and how the skills you develop
through your course work, extracurricular activities, volunteer and paid work are transferable to the world of work.
Friday November 29
Winter Wonderland Pub Night!! Last Pub
Night - Thurs Nov 28th. Join us for the last
Pub Night of 2002 Nov 28th. Semi formal pub
night so dress up to spend the evening in a
winter wonderland. Tickets are $10, available
at the Highland Pub, includes dinner, your
first beverage, dessert, & cover charge. Last
year tickets sold out early. Buy yours today!!
Faculty, Staff & Student Show: Check it out at
the Art Gallery in the AQ.
Upcoming
Fri. December 6th National Day of Action to
End Violence Against Women Pathway
Through Violence Interactive Display 11am 3pm Convocation Mall Candle Lighting 12:30
MOUNTAIN BIKE VIDEO NIGHT AT SFU MON.
DEC. 2nd 7pm. Featuring the Can. premier of
'True North,' NWD and Freewheel Burning.
Meet your unofficial MTB club and plan your
next ride!
Important Future Dates
Monday, Dec 2: Classes End
Monday, Dec 2: History Student Union Meeting. Pub @ 4:30
Wednesday, December 4: Examination period
commences
Monday, December 16: Examination period
ends
Tuesday, December 24: All grades released
Thursday, January 2: Classes commence
THANKS
TO ALL
OUR
VOLUNTEERS
Peak
Travel and Teach JOB OPPORTUNITY
Female/Male Part time drivers wanted
Overseas!
for a Designated Driver Company.
➤ PAID RETURN AIRFARE.
➤ Good Pay + Furnished
Apartment.
➤ Orientation provided
to help you adjust to
your new life overseas.
Do you want to be more
prepared before going
overseas?
6 week intensive TEFL
course Peer Teaching
Practicum is included.
Assistance available for
overseas job placement.
DEGREE AT THE
UNDERGRADUATE
LEVEL A PREREQUISITE.
CALL NOW
Must have reliable vehicle, clean driving
record, know your way around the city,
speak fluent English and be able to work
until after the bars close.
Please fax resume to:
604-552-7709 or email to
[email protected]
Tel 604-205-5925
or Fax 604-205-5926
e-mail: [email protected] web-site: http://www.lgelc.com
Lion’s Gate English Language College
#201-3701 Hastings St, Burnaby, Canada V5C 2H6
THIS WEEK’S PEAK IS THE
LAST ISSUE OF THE SEMESTER.
Peak
The first issue will be out Jan. 6, 2003
The classified and advertising deadline
for inclusion in this issue is Jan. 2.

sports - The Peak

Transcription

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