The Writing Project - Gonzaga College High School

Transcription

*
The
Writing
Project
Sticking to One Subject
Patterns in Punctuation
Allan L’Etoile
*
~~ NB ~~
Wr i t i n g i s
thinking -and
thinking
about
thinking.
2
Thanks to
Jacob Sweeney,
Gonzaga College High School,
Washington, DC,
Class of 2013,
for the kind use of his response paper.
3
The
Writing
Project
Writers Writing Well Patterns in Punctuation
Allan L’Etoile
~~ NB ~~
Wr i t i n g i s
thinking -and
thinking
about
thinking.
Copyright ©2013 by Allan L’Etoile
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form
or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any
other information storage and retrieval system, without permission from the author.
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Table of Contents
Chapter 1 . . . . .The Response Paper . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 1
Chapter 2 . . . . Some “Advanced Thinking on the Thesis: What It Is & What It Isn’t .p. 9
Chapter 3 . . . . .Using Citations in Response Papers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 20
Chapter 4 . . . . .Writing the Conclusion Sentence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .p. 31
Chapter 5 . . . . .The World’s Best Editing Tip . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .p. 33
Chapter 6 . . . . .Review of Response Papers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .p. 36
Chapter 7 . . . . .A Closer Look at the Sample Paragraph . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .p. 38
Chapter 8 . . . . .Sentences and Independent Clauses . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 41
Chapter 9 . . . . . Combining Independent Clauses: Three Ways To Do It . . . . . . . . . p. 46
Chapter 10 . . . . .Fun with Punctuation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .p. 55
Chapter 11 . . . . .The Busy World of the Coordinating Conjunction . . . . . . . . . . . . .p. 57
Chapter 12 . . . . .How CAs Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 60
Chapter 13 . . . . .A Funny Thing About CAs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .p. 66
Chapter 14 . . . . .Review of Compound Sentences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 77
Chapter 15 . . . . .Pssssst! “Cheat Code” #1:
Let the ICs Do the Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 82
Chapter 16 . . . . .Subordinate Clauses, Part I: Clauses as Adverbs . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 85
Chapter 17 . . . . .Complex Sentences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 96
Chapter 18 . . . . .Pssssst! “Cheat Code” #2:
DCs ARE Your Context! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 103
Intermission
. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . .CA or DM: To Prove It, Move It! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Chapter 19 . . . . .Subordinate Clauses, Part IIa:
Clauses as Adjectives . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 107
Chapter 20 . . . . .Subordinate Clauses, Part IIb:
What RCs Tell Us . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .p. 113
Chapter 21 . . . . .PTs for RCs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 121
Chapter 22 . . . . .Pssssst! “Cheat Code” #3”
RCs Can Be Context, Too! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 128
Chapter 23 . . . . .Review of DCs, RCs, and Complex Sentences
(and Compound Sentences!) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .p. 130
Chapter 24 . . . . .Compound-Complex Sentences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 137
Chapter 25 . . . . .Keys to Writing Well: Emphasis and Subordination . . . . . . . . . . . .p. 143
Chapter 26 . . . . .Something to Be Proud Of . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .p. 162
Addenda
Addendum #1 . . . . .Getting the Relationship Right . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .p. 164
Addendum #2 . . . . .The Overused Connective p. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 168
Addendum #3 . . . . .A Response Paragraph that Simply Summarizes . . . . . . . . . . . p. 171
Addendum #4 . . . . .Some Words That Might Be Used to Describe an Author’s,
a Narrator’s, or a Character’s Tone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 172
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The Writing Project
Chapter 1
The Response Paper
Very soon -- in some fast-approaching few weeks of high school -- you may read
Homer’s The Odyssey. If you do, you will listen as Odysseus relates in the middle books
of that classic the famous tale of his journey home from the war at Troy. It’s a story full
of adventure -- Odysseus has encounters with strange peoples, monsters and witches, and
he even takes a side trip to the Underworld! Despite his overwhelming wish to return
home, to his wife and son, Odysseus faces each of his adventures with a spirit of discovery that leaves us, his audience, spellbound.
Recently, freshmen in one English class at a high school in Washington, DC, were
asked to write a brief paragraph in response to their reading of that part of The Odyssey.
Here’s what one freshman wrote (with the sentences numbered so they can be studied
later):
1) In the middle chapters of Homer’s Odyssey, Odysseus, one of the main
characters in the story, displays his thirst for knowledge about new places
and for exploration. 2) On his way home to the island of Ithaca, when he
and his men come to the land of the Lotus Eaters, Odysseus “sen[ds] a
detail ahead . . . to scout out who might live” there. 3) Arriving later with
his crew at another island, which turns out to be home to the Cyclops, a
terrible monster, Odysseus volunteers to go “with [his] own ship and crew
[to] probe the natives living” there. 4) Still farther on in his journey, after
Odysseus reaches the shores of the home of Circe, a witch, he decides to
venture onto her island despite his comrades’ “plead[ing] and begging”
him not to explore the terrible looking place. 5) Learning from Circe that
he must visit the Underworld, the realm of the dead, in order to discover
the rest of his route home, Odysseus does not back away from the task;
in fact, he is fully willing to venture to this new, unknown place, and he
is intrigued to speak with dead souls whom he had known before leaving
Ithaca and Troy. 6) Finally, after the adventurer returns to Circe’s island
and from there heads to Ithaca, leaving Circe’s island for good, he is “bent
on hearing” the song of the Sirens, “those creatures who spellbind any man
alive” with their singing, and orders himself strapped to his ship’s mast as
his boat passes their island; Odysseus is thus able to hear the alluring song
while his men, whose ears are plugged with wax, safely steer clear of the
Sirens’ dangerous island. 7) In these chapters, Odysseus emerges as a man
of almost unbounded curiosity, and his desire for adventure seems limitless.
-- Jacob Sweeney, ‘13, Gonzaga College High School, Washington, DC
What grade do you think Mr. Sweeney got on his paragraph?
It’s a good one. It shows that Jacob was thinking as he read The Odyssey. Maybe
the idea came to him because he knew he had to write a paragraph on the middle part
of the poem, or maybe the idea just came to him as he was reading: You know, he might
have thought to himself, Odysseus is a man who wants to know a lot about a lot of
things . . . what could that mean?
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*
~~ NB ~~
“NB” is the abbreviation for the
Latin phrase “nota
bene” or “not e
well.” Throughout
this book, you’ll
find under the
“NB” all sorts of
t hings t hat you
might want to know
about writing. The
“NBs” with a large
* above them are
notes about the
ideas in this book.
The others offer
good advice.
The paragraph is, in other words, well conceived. It’s also well written. It’s not
hampered by spelling errors (the original was written by hand), the punctuation looks
good, and the ideas the paragraph presents progress logically. Those ideas are even supported by Mr. Sweeney’s inclusion of several citations (quotations taken from the material
he is discussing); we get the sense that we don’t have to take Jacob’s word for any of this
because the original source material (The Odyssey itself!) contains evidence proving his
thesis.
Mr. Sweeney’s paragraph succeeds on a number of grounds. As you might imagine, it earned him an “A.” The paragraph made a positive impression on his teacher.
~~ NB ~~
A PR firm called 37
signals.com made
waves a few years
back when it advised
companies to “Hire
the better writer.”
Here’s how they
explained it:
“If you are trying
to decide among a
few people to fill a
position, hire the
best writer. It doesn’t matter if that
person is a markete r, s a l e s p e r s o n ,
designer, programmer, or whatever;
their writing skills
will pay off.
“That’s because
being a good writer
is about more than
writing. Clear
writing is a sign of
clear thinking. Great
writers know how to
commun-icate. They
make things easy to
understand. They
can put themselves
in someone else’s
shoes. They know
what to omit. And
those are qualities
you want in any
candidate.”
http://
gettingreal.37signals.
com/ch08_
Wordsmiths.php
Now, imagine that poor teacher, having to grade 30, 60, or maybe even 90 such
paragraphs at a time. How many of them do you think were as rewarding to read as Jacob’s was? Do you think some of the paragraphs were not very well thought out? Or were
poorly written? Or were not defended by references to the original source?
And how do you think the teacher felt, having to correct grammar, point to spelling mistakes, deal with errors in logic? He probably felt that a poor grade was in order for
paragraphs with these errors, and the teacher probably looked forward to getting to the
next paragraph that read more like Jacob’s.
Our writing tells people a lot about us.
If our writing is effective, it can tell people that we take time to think about important matters, that we pay attention to detail, that we are thoughtful people who want
to share our ideas clearly with others, that we’re people to pay attention to.
Or -- if our writing is sloppy and haphazard -- it might tell our readers that we
don’t much care for details or ideas or their clear expression.
The choice is ours, and we can learn to write better if we wish to.
This book is designed to teach you to write better, more effectively, by encouraging you to explore what it is that good writers do when they write well.
The Response Paper
Jacob Sweeney’s paragraph on The Odyssey is what we call a “response paper.”
DEFINITION------------->: A response paper is a brief, insightful paper written
“in response” to a reading. Jacob’s paragraph was written, obviously, in response to
his reading part of The Odyssey; you might be asked to write a response to a chapter in
Black Boy, to a few lines of Romeo and Juliet, or to a story in your short story book.
A response paper has five characteristics; it is
(a)
a complete paragraph that
(b)
shows you are thinking along with the reading,
(c)
presents an argument logically,
(d)
cites passages from the reading that prove the point you’re
making, and
(e)
is properly punctuated and well written.
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Reread Jacob’s paragraph. Do you think it meets all these criteria? (The teacher
who graded it certainly did.) Would you be proud if it had been your paper to hand in?
Response papers are easy to write. Writing them well is a bit more work, but the work can
pay off.
A Couple of Notes
[a] What’s a “complete paragraph”?
Well, that depends. It’s not a matter of length, necessarily: Jacob’s response paper contains only seven sentences, but they’re pretty long. Some of the other paragraphs
Jacob handed in over the course of the year were longer and some were shorter. What the
sample has in common with the rest of those paragraphs and with all “complete paragraphs” is that it covers its topic completely:
(a) it mentions all ideas important to the topic, and
(b) it includes words and phrases that present the paragraph’s argument
logically.
Notice how Jacob uses words and phrases such as “When,” “which,” “despite,” “in fact,”
“thus,” and “Still farther on in his journey” to tie one idea to the idea before or after it.
Jacob’s paragraph on Odysseus’ thirst for knowledge is “complete” because it presents an
entire argument logically.
[b] How do you think along with your reading?
Well, you do just that. You ask yourself questions as you read. Here are, perhaps,
the five questions young academic readers should always have in mind as they read any
piece of fiction:
1. What key words or ideas does the writer call our attention to by repeating
them? (Read Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery” or Guy de Maupassant’s “The Necklace”
to see how useful it can be to pay attention to key repetitions, especially early in a short
story.) We’ll have more -- lots more -- to say about this topic in Ch. 2. Being attentive to
repetitions may be the key to success in academic reading!
2. What do characters’ behaviors or thoughts tell us about them or their relationships? Do they tell us they’re greedy or generous, happy or sad, carefree or obsessed?
Are they and their parents in a happy relationship or do they not trust each other? What
sort of mind does a character have: inquiring or uninterested, shallow or nuanced?
3. What kinds of details does a writer offer you . . . Are they concrete, everyday,
exotic, weird, interesting in any way that attracts your attention? . . . and what do these
details tell you about the character or the setting or the situation the characters finds
herself in?
4. What’s the attitude (also known as “tone”) of the narrator or writer toward
the characters, places or events being described? Does she like the characters? Dislike
them? Look down at them? Seem to praise them?
5. And, what do you see the writer doing on the page? Is there an interesting
turn of phrase in the writing, some special way the writer writes that catches your eye or
ear? What can we tell from the writer’s or narrator’s voice? Is her language “conversational” or more formal? (Look on the page!) Are her sentences long? Short? Easy to read?
Complicated?
3
Students in the most advanced English classes at any American high school
are trained to ask and answer these five questions about the fiction they read, and
there’s no reason that students as young as you can’t be training yourself to do the
same.
[c] And what is a “logical argument”?
It’s kind of like a science experiment, which begins with a hypothesis. Science
students test the hypothesis by experiment or by examining facts and then reach a conclusion, based on the results of the examination of facts.
An argument in writing proceeds in the same way.
~~ NB ~~
An Organized Mind
“Good writing skills
are an indicator of an
organized mind which
is capable of arranging
information and argument in a systematic
fashion and also helping
(not making) other people
understand things. It
spills over into code,
personal communications, . . . and even
such esoteric concepts
as professionalism and
reliability.”
—Dustin J. Mitchell,
developer (from Signal vs.
Noise), “Clear Writ-ing
Leads to Clear Thinking”
Such an argument starts with a thesis, or with a topic sentence that states the
point the writer wants to prove:
-- Sentence #1 in Jacob Sweeney’s model paragraph is his thesis sentence;
-- his paragraph then goes on to present the evidence that proves the thesis in
what we call proof sentences (sentences #2-6 of Mr. Sweeney’s paper); and
-- it finishes with a conclusion sentence.
Scientists get evidence that proves or disproves their hypotheses from experimenting, from looking at facts. Where did Jacob get the evidence that he put in his proof
sentences? He got it from the story he was writing about. Every good response paper
cites passages from the source story or poem -- things characters say, do, or think, or
things narrators say -- that help prove the thesis true.
And how did Jacob form a “logical argument” in the proof sentences? He used
chronological order -- offering the fact that comes first in the story first, the second
second, the third third, and so on. (He could also have tried arranging his facts in the
order of ascending importance -- starting with the least important and offering the most
important last.)
Learning to write response papers -- complete paragraphs, based on thoughtful readings, proven with evidence from the story being discussed, and with arguments
presented logically so that teachers can follow them easily -- can help you become a more
confident reader and writer, just as it helped Jacob get his “A.”
~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~
Quick Review
1. Our writing tells people _____________________________________
2. A response paper is defined as ________________________________________
________________________________________________________
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3. A response paper has five characteristics; it is
(a)
(b)
(c)
(d)
(e)
a ____________________ paragraph that
shows you are ___________________ along with the reading,
presents an argument ____________________,
cites _______________ from the reading that ________ the point you’re making, and
is properly ________________ and well ______________.
4. A complete paragraph, (a) mentions all ideas _____________ to the topic, and
(b) includes __________________ that present the paragraph’s argument
___________________.
5. One of the best ways to think along with your reading is to ask yourself __________________ as you read.
6. Though this is not a complete list, you might consider asking these FIVE
questions as you read:
a. What _____________________ does the writer call our attention to by
____________________ them?
b. What do characters’ _____________________ tell us about _________
or their ______________________?
c. What kinds of _________________ does a writer offer you? What do
these __________________ tell you about the ______________________
or the ______________________ the characters finds herself in?
d. What’s the _____________ (also known as “________”) of the narrator or writer toward the characters, places or events being described?
e. And, what do you see the writer ______________________________
____________________?
7. Students in the ________________________ English classes at any American
high school are trained to ask and answer these five questions about
the fiction they read, and there’s no reason that students as young as
you can’t be training yourself to do the same.
8. A response paper should start with a thesis, or with a ______________
sentence that states ____________________________________________
9. The middle sentences of a response paragraph present the ________________
that proves the thesis; these sentences are called the _____________
sentences.
10. These facts are taken from the source story or poem -- they are things charac
ters _____, _______, or _____________ or things narrators __________
-- that help prove the thesis true.
11. Most writers simply offer their evidence in “______________________ order”
-- offering the fact that comes first in the story first, the second second,
the third third, and so on. You could also try arranging your facts in the
order of “______________________importance” -- starting with the least
important and offering the most important last.
5
#####
Drill
You’ve read the sample response paragraph above. Below are several more, all on
the topic of Odysseus and his encounter with the Cyclops in Book IX of The Odyssey.
*
~~ NB ~~
Perhaps you have
started to notice how
the writers of these
response papers build
their arguments.
It’s simple, really:
-- they state a thesis
or argument in the
first sentence and
then
-- defend the thesis by
stating in the proof
sentences facts that
prove the thesis.
Step 1. Read them.
Step 2. Then, on the lines that follow, write them out -- by hand -- exactly as they appear on the page.
Step 3. As you write, say the words out loud and listen to the sound of them, their rhythm. Listen also for the sense the paragraphs are trying to
make. (You’ll want to imitate this rhythm, this sense in your own re-
sponse papers.)
Paragraph 2
In Book IX of Homer’s Odyssey, Odysseus, the story’s main character, acts
most cleverly in his dealings with the Cyclops Polyphemus. Finding himself
and his men trapped in the cave of the Cyclops, a “lawless” monster, Odysseus
devises strategy after strategy designed to bring freedom. After Polyphemus
eats two of Odysseus’s men, the Ithacan leader offers wine to the monster
“as a drink offering” because he knows it will make him sleepy; once the Cyclops is asleep, Odysseus follows through with his plan and blinds him. That
night, Odysseus comes up with another idea to tie himself and his remaining
men to the bellies of the Cyclops’ sheep so that they can escape the cave.
As brilliant as either of these two ruses seem, perhaps Odysseus’s greatest
ploy is in telling the Cyclops that his name is “Nobody” because, that way,
Polyphemus does not know whom to curse for tricking him, and Odysseus is
able to “get away” with his plan.
6
Paragraph 3
Polyphemus, the monster blinded by Odysseus, the main character in Homer’s
The Odyssey, does not deserve this fate. Though Odysseus says, at the start
of the Cyclops story, that the Cyclopses are “a lawless people,” Polyphemus
seems to be a simple being going about his life when Odysseus meets him.
Polyphemus is neat: he keeps his cheeses in baskets and his sheep penned up,
and when he milks his sheep and goats, he does so “in an orderly fashion.”
Polyphemus is also enterprising. His “vessels sw[i]m with whey,” and his
cave is full of sheep, suggesting that he works hard at what he does. In other
words, Polyphemus doesn’t seem to be bothering anyone or anything; indeed,
he is very considerate of his sheep, the lambs of which he keeps penned up
with their mothers so that they can be fed and feel safe. Polyphemus, who is
just tending to his business, deserves to be left alone, a fact that Odysseus
himself recognizes when he says it would have been “far better” if he had
earlier listened to his men when they had told him to take what he could
from the Cyclops’ island and go rather than wait to see, as Odysseus wanted,
if the Cyclops would give him “a stranger’s due.”
*
~~ NB ~~
You may also have
noted that the
writers of these
paragraphs never
summarize the
stor y they discuss.
Instead, they analyze it, discuss it,
talk about it in a
way that shows
they understand
it.
7
Paragraph 4
*
~~ NB ~~
Check out the logical way in which the
writers of these paragraphs present their
arguments.
-- One idea leads into
the next.
Odysseus is always called a great strategist, but, in Book IX of The Odyssey,
when he meets the Cyclops Polyphemus, his greatest skill is in observing the
Cyclops’s habits. Because the Cyclops is very routine-oriented, Odysseus
uses the monster’s reliance on routine to his own advantage. For instance,
Odysseus watches the Cyclops eat some of his men for meals and “devises
evil in the deep of [his] heart that [he] might avenge” the men’s deaths;
his opportunity to act comes when he offers the Cyclops “wine” “after his
feast of men’s meat”; Odysseus had never seen the Cyclops drink wine
after eating a human, and he seems to realize that the monster is probably
thirsty for some. He also notes that the Cyclops puts his olive wood club in
the same place every morning; Odysseus is thus able to sharpen the end
of the club to make a stake to blind the monster. Finally, Odysseus notes
the care with which Polyphemus treats his sheep, petting each one as it
goes in and out; this observation allows him to come up with the plan of
strapping himself and his men to the sheep’s stomachs in order to escape
their ordeal. Odysseus may act cleverly, but his actions are possible only
after he watches his opponent carefully.
-- Words and phrases
(such as “because,”
“also,” and “thus”)
help walk the reader
through this paragraph.
~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~
Assignment
Now, imitate the sound and style of the writers of these paragraphs by writing one of your own about a story or novel or poem that you know well. Write by hand
(don’t use spell checkers or grammar checkers). Be sure to include brief citations from
the original story or novel that support your thesis and evidence arranged in some logical
order. Write as well as you can -- this is your first shot at this, so don’t expect perfection!
8
Chapter 2
Some “Advanced” Thinking on the Thesis:
What It Is & What It Isn’t
Now that you’ve written your own response paragraph, what do you think your
teacher will say about it? Share your paragraph with someone in your class or with one
of your parents. What do they think of your ideas? Of your writing? Did you present a
complete argument? Did you present it logically?
The more you write these paragraphs and the more feedback you get on them
from your teacher, parents, and classmates, the more confident you should become when
writing them, and the better they should get. You should feel that you’re becoming a better, more accomplished, more successful writer as the school year goes on.
To those ends, let’s consider a few more issues relative to the response paper. We
said in the last chapter that a good response paper is marked by five characteristics:
(a)
It’s a complete paragraph that
(b)
shows you are thinking along with the reading,
(c)
presents an argument logically,
(d)
cites passages from the reading that prove the point you’re
making,
and
(e)
is properly punctuated and well written.
When we looked at the notion of “presenting an argument logically” back in
Chapter 1, we talked about the proof sentences in a response paragraph.
But what about that pesky first sentence, the thesis?
What is a thesis?
DEFINITION------------->: A thesis is a well-defined statement of opinion based on
facts.
*
~~ NB ~~
Know this definition!
Mr. Sweeney, the writer of our sample paragraph #1, arrived at his thesis after
reading The Odyssey; that is, he examined the facts and then formed an opinion. The
opinion in a thesis is what’s called an “informed opinion” -- an opinion based on an
examination of evidence.
“What Am I Gonna Write About?”
So, how do you form or write a thesis for a response paper?
This question is the one most asked by high school writers, and for a lot of
teachers, it sometimes seems as if it’s the hardest to answer: “What’s my thesis statement? What am I gonna to write about?”
But the answer to this question is not all that difficult to come up with, really. In
fact, there is one group of students in almost EVERY high school in the country that
writes essays based on fiction (stories, poems, plays and the like) and their teachers
GIVE THEM an outline for writing a thesis every time they assign a paper!!!!
9
Who are those students and teachers? They’re the ones in the MOST ADVANCED ENGLISH CLASSES in American high schools! And all year, they practice for
a May exam on which students write about fiction and poetry. The students have about 40
minutes to come up with an essay based on a poem or a selection from fiction that they
read for the first time in the exam room.
Think about that. Forty minutes! That’s not much time for students to read the
assigned selection, mull it over, and then write a logical essay based on what they just
read.
*
~~ NB ~~
According to the online
site Dictionary.com, the
word “character” has two
important definitions, for
our purposes.
****
****
While it can mean “a person represented in a play,
film, story, etc,” like a
fictional character, it can
also refer to “the combination of traits and
qualities distinguishing
the individual nature of
a person or thing.”
That definition means
that when we characterize someone or when we
characterize a character from a story, we are
trying to describe his or
her personal “traits” or
“qualities” that “[distinguish his or her] individual nature” from that
of others.
So, how do these students save time and get to the point in their writing?
Well, the questions they’ve been asked on these tests for the past dozen years or
so actually help them to formulate a thesis! In other words, the questions (or prompts,
as they’re called) usually ask these advanced students to look for, year in and year out,
the same kinds of things that writers do on the page.
Theses Statements Used by Advanced Students
Since the late 1990’s, students taking these advanced tests have been asked to
characterize something -- to discuss, that is, the mix of traits or qualities that distinguish that something, or make it unique or memorable.
For example, in writing about fiction, they’ve been asked to
a. characterize (“discuss a memorable personal quality of”) a character;
b. characterize (“describe the defining quality of”) a character’s behavior;
c. characterize (“describe the individual nature of”) a character’s complicated
feelings for another character;
d. characterize a character’s values;
e. characterize a relationship that exists between two or more characters;
f. assess the impact that experiences have had on a character;
g. characterize the tone (feelings, attitudes) that the narrator of a passage has
for or toward a character;
h. characterize the tone (feelings, attitudes) that the narrator or a character has
for or toward a place depicted in the work; or
i. assess the narrator’s or a character’s view of some idea in the story -- among
other things.
Thus, when these top-achieving students begin their essays (which, admittedly
are more complicated than response papers but nonetheless do start with theses!), they
write thesis sentences that sound like these:
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a. Characterize (“discuss the memorable personal quality of”) a character.
√ The main character in Jack London’s “To Build a Fire” thinks he knows more
than he does about the Yukon cold.
√ The lawyer-narrator of Melville’s “Bartleby, the Scrivener” is self-serving in the
extreme.
√ Arnold Friend, the evil protagonist of Joyce Carol Oates’s “Where Are You
Going? Where Have You Been?,” has all the confidence in the world.
√ Until she meets the dangerous escaped con named “The Misfit,” the grand
mother in Flannery O’Connor’s “A Good Man is Hard to Find” acts like a
know-it-all.
b. Characterize (“describe the defining quality of”) a character’s behavior.
√ The man who is the main character in Jack London’s “To Build a Fire” is
determined to get to camp.
√ Mama, the main character in Alice Walker’s “Everyday Use,” is fiercely protec
tive of her daughter Maggie.
c. Characterize (“describe the individual nature of”) a character’s compli
cated feelings for another character or for a place.
√ The narrator of Stephen Crane’s “The Open Boat” finds hope in human
camaraderie.
√ Though Mama, the main character in Alice Walker’s “Everyday Use,” loves her
daughter Dee (Wangero), she resents the new ideas Dee espouses.
d. Characterize a character’s values.
√ Though Paul Maclean, the troubled brother of the narrator of the novella “A
River Runs Through It,” has drinking and gambling problems that make
him an unlikable character, his life becomes magical when he enacts the
many rituals that fishing demands of a master fisherman.
√ The old barman in Hemingway’s “A Clean, Well-Lighted Place” treasures simple
things in life.
e. Characterize a relationship that two or more characters have.
√ Charlie and Marion, the main characters in F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “Babylon
Revisited,” relate to each other with little more than suspicion and fear.
√ Though the lawyer-narrator of Melville’s “Bartleby, the Scrivener” hires Bartle
by to work for him, he often treats the scrivener as if he were a charity
case.
√ The mother and sisters of Neal, the brother-in-law of the narrator of “A River
Runs Through It,” spoil him rotten.
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f. Assess the impact that experiences have had on a character.
√ The memories that Henry, a character in Louise Erdrich’s “The Red Convert
ible,” has of his time as an American soldier in the War in Vietnam
cripple him emotionally.
√ Paul, the main character in Willa Cather’s “Paul’s Case,” is in love with the
illusions of the theatre.
g. Characterize the tone (feelings, attitudes) that the narrator of a passage
has for a character. (A list of words describing tone appears in
Addendum #5, at the end of this book.)
√ During the lunchtime meeting of Nick Carraway, Jay Gatsby and the gangster
Meyer Wolfsheim in Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, Carraway, the narra
tor of the novel, regards Wolfsheim with both awe and suspicion.
√ According to the narrator of William Faulkner’s “A Rose for Emily,” the people
of Jefferson, the town in which the story is set, treat longtime resident
Emily Grierson as if she can do no wrong.
√ The narrator of John Fowles’s novel The French Lieutenant’s Woman evinces
great affection for Mary, a young serving woman and minor character in
the story.
h. Characterize the tone (feelings, attitudes) that the narrator or a character
has for a place depicted in the work. (A list of words describing tone
appears in Addendum #4 at the end of this book.)
√ Norman Maclean, the narrator of the novella “A River Runs Through It,” speaks
of the Blackfoot River fishing area with immense fondness.
√ The loneliness and despair that Nick Carraway, narrator of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s
The Great Gatsby, finds in the “valley of ashes” on Long Island is pal
pable in his description of that place in chapter two.
i. Assess the narrator’s or a character’s view (idea) of some idea in the story.
√ Nick Carraway, the narrator of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, bemoans
the “carelessness” and lack of moral order he sees brought about by
some people of great wealth.
√ In Charles Fuller’s A Soldier’s Play, Capt. Davenport, the main character, would
prefer to be treated by others not as an African-American but as a United
States “soldier” with “orders.”
√ Macbeth, the main character in Shakespeare’s play Macbeth, questions the
value of life and living after he is told that his wife has died.
A thesis is a smart opinion, a new idea, a discovery. It’s an idea that you claim
as yours, not as someone else’s. Some theses are better than others (more interesting,
more complex, more ingenious), but every successful response paper tries to explore new
ground. Of course, you start to form a thesis by reading the story you’re to write about.
That fact should be obvious from what we said back in Chapter 1 about “asking questions
as you read.”
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Do you have to use a thesis that’s worded like one of those described in this
chapter when you write a response? Of course not! But the ones offered here are pretty
good models for thinking about what you might write as a thesis of your own.
Besides, if theses such as the ones in the chapter are good enough for students in
the country’s most advanced English classes, maybe there’s something to them after all!
The Importance of Reading for Repetitions
OK, so those advanced students are basically given their theses.
And you, a beginning high school writer, can benefit from their example in forming your own theses -- up to a point because usually a teacher won’t be giving you a thesis
for any response paper you write this year.
So, “what are ya gonna write about?”
You can’t spend all year copying the theses listed in this chapter; that wouldn’t be
original.
So how are you gonna come up with you own theses?
Read for repetitions.
Remember back in Chapter 1, when we suggested that, as you read a story, you
look for “key words or ideas [that] the writer call[s] [y]our attention to by repeating
them”? Well, do that! Read for repetitions!
Why read for repetitions?
Think about it: If a teacher wants to help students remember something, he or
she repeats it, a lot. Correct? The same thing is true for story writers. A writer calls readers’ attention to important ideas in a story simply by repeating those ideas -- sometimes
by using the same words, sometimes by using similar phrasings. A writer can’t really
call readers’ attention to important material in many other ways. (He or she could
put such material in colored ink or italicize it, but after a while, we readers would ignore
those markings -- readers have to look for and find the repetitions.)
Repetition is the fundamental means by which writers build stories. Repetition is an artistic tool; in fact, repetition may be the most basic tool any artist has for
creating art. If we were to define art in its most primitive terms -- let’s call it “organized
reality” because, when you think about it, what an artist does is takes “reality,” which is
often chaotic, and “organizes” it onto a canvas or into the pages of a story -- we should
understand that the most basic tool the artist has to work with is repetition. Songwriters
repeat words in the choruses of songs to structure them; dancers repeat steps to create
graceful movements; painters repeat colors or brush strokes to create shapes.
Fiction writers, too, use repetitions in their stories to create patterns. For example, by showing us a character acting or responding or speaking repeatedly in the same
way in similar situations, writers give their characters the pattern called CHARACTER. If
we read stories carefully, we can see these repetitions, we can find these patterns, we
can pick up on the characters’ characters.
And we can make deductions from them. These deductions are what we call
theses.
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What a Thesis is NOT
a. A thesis is NOT a casual opinion based on emotion or personal bias.
Theses are informed opinions based, rather, on facts. “I really liked the middle chapters
of The Odyssey” is not a thesis. Neither is “The middle chapters of The Odyssey were
boring.”
b. A thesis is NOT a statement of fact. If Mr. Sweeney had started his paragraph by writing, “In the middle chapters of Homer’s Odyssey, Odysseus, one of the main
characters in the story, relates his travels home from the war at Troy,” he would have
been stating a fact, not an opinion. The problem with using a fact as a thesis is that it
leaves you with nothing to prove. Good theses offer an opinion that is based on facts; the
rest of the paragraph shows how the facts prove the thesis. (If your thesis IS a fact, your
response paper will be a summary -- guaranteed. And you NEVER want to simply summarize in a response. See Addendum #3 for an example of a “summary response.”)
c. A thesis is NOT a broad or vague statement of opinion. A thesis should be
well-defined, focused -- especially in a short piece of writing such as a response paragraph. In our sample paragraph on p. 1, the writer doesn’t say “Odysseus has a thirst for
knowledge.” Instead, he narrows the thesis by noting that the thirst is for knowledge of
“new places and for exploration.”
Four Last Tips
1. DON’T try to prove MORE THAN ONE thesis in a response paper. If you write
a thesis such as this -- “Odysseus outsmarts the Cyclops, but in the end he outsmarts himself” -- you have to prove BOTH arguments. That’s tough to do in a paragraph-size paper.
Instead, focus your idea on one thesis or the other: “Odysseus outsmarts the Cyclops” or
“By the end of his encounter with the Cyclops, Odysseus outsmarts himself.”
2. DON’T write a thesis that says a story offers a theme or moral. It’s tempting to
write a thesis such as “Odysseus’s encounter with the Cyclops reminds us that we should
‘assume nothing’ in our dealings with strangers.” But such a thesis leaves us flat because
it has the quality of a fact: it is based on a “moral” or a wise old saying or “truth” and, as
such, IS TRUE despite what we think about it and, therefore, leaves us with nothing to
prove. Put another way, “morals” exist outside of a story. For example, everybody knows
that it’s good advice to “assume nothing” in our dealings with strangers. To say that Book
IX of The Odyssey confirms this advice is to say . . . nothing new. And a thesis, remember (from page 12) is “a new idea, a discovery . . . an idea that you claim as yours, not as
someone else’s.”
3. Another thesis like the “moral” thesis is the “author’s intent” thesis -- “Homer
intended . . .” How do you know? It’s not on the page! Have you talked to Homer lately?
Give it up.
4. DO be specific in the phrasing of your thesis. Don’t say, “Book IX of The Odyssey shows us an interesting side to Odysseus.” If you write a vague thesis such as this,
a reader will be tempted to ask, “What interesting side are you talking about?” Instead,
BE SPECIFIC, as the writer of paragraph 3 on p. 6 was when he wrote, “Book IX of The
Odyssey shows Odysseus at his cleverest.”
~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~
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Quick Review
1. Once more, a response paragraph is marked by five characteristics. It is
a. ________________________________________________________
b. ________________________________________________________
c. ________________________________________________________
d. ________________________________________________________ and
e. _________________________________________________________
2. A thesis is _________________________________________________________.
3. The opinion in a thesis is called an “informed opinion” because it is an opinion based on ________________________________________________________.
4. When you “characterize” something, you discuss the mix of _________ or
__________________ that _____________ that something or make it
_______________ or ________________________.
5. A thesis is __________ opinion, a ________ idea, a _______________. It’s an
idea that you claim as ______________, not as someone else’s. Some theses are
better than others (more interesting, more complex, more ingenious), but every
successful response paper tries to explore _______________________.
6. The best way to come up with theses of your own is to read for
_____________________________.
7. A writer calls our attention to important ideas in a story simply by __________
them. __________________________ is the fundamental means by which writers
build stories. Repetition is an artistic tool.
8. Fiction writers use repetitions in their stories to create ________________.
9. By showing us a character acting or responding or speaking repeatedly in the
same way in similar situations, writers give their characters the pattern called
____________________.
10. If we read stories carefully, we can see these repetitions, these patterns.
___________.
11. A thesis is:
a. NOT ____________________________________________________________
b. NOT ____________________________________________________________
c. NOT ____________________________________________________________
12. If a thesis is based on personal bias, it can’t be an __________________
opinion, or one based on an examination of facts.
13. A thesis can’t be a statement of fact, for, if it were, it would leave you with
____________________________________________.
15
14. Rather than being broad or vague, a thesis should always be a
_______________ statement of opinion.
15. In a response paper, you should always/never simply summarize a story.
(Circle correct answer.)
16. In a response paper, you should always/never say something about, comment
on, or remark thoughtfully about the story.
17. DO/DON’T write theses that prove more that one point in a response paper.
18. DO/DON’T write theses that maintain that a story offers a theme or moral.
19. It’s a good/bad idea to write about an author’s intent in a thesis.
20. And be vague/specific in the phrasing of your thesis.
#####
Drill 1
Below are 15 pretty good theses or topic sentences, each of which could be used
for response papers.
Step 1. Read each sentence.
Step 2. Then, try to figure out if it is a thesis that
a. Characterizes (“discuss the memorable personal quality of”) a character.
b. Characterizes (“describe the defining quality of”) a character’s behavior.
c. Characterizes (“describe the individual nature of”) a character’s compli
cated feelings for another character or for a place.
d. Characterizes a character’s values.
e. Characterizes a relationship that two or more characters have.
f. Assesses the impact that experiences have had on a character.
g. Characterizes the tone (feelings, attitudes) that the narrator of a passage
has for a character in the passage.
h. Characterizes the tone (feelings, attitudes) that the narrator or a character
has for a place depicted in the work
i. Assesses the narrator’s or a character’s view of some idea in the story.
1. The angel in Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s short story “A Very Old Man with
Enormous Wings” is a patient creature.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
2. The villagers in Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s “A Very Old Man with Enormous
Wings” treat the old man cruelly.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
3. Mr. Warner, a character in “The Lottery,” reacts coldly to the situation in
which he and his fellow villagers find themselves.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
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4. Aeneas, the main character in Vergil’s Aenied, is a man devoted to his duty.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
5. Phoebe, a character in The Catcher in the Rye, cares a great deal for her
difficult-to-get-along-with brother, Holden.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
6. Sammy, the young narrator of John Updike’s story “A&P,” presents the grocery
store as a confining interior, a place of rigidity and conformity.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
7. Though Scout, the narrator of Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird, doesn’t always understand what goes on in the lives of her neighbors, she likes and is interested in them.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
8. Dee (Wangero), the daughter who returns home in Alice Walker’s “Everyday Use,” values the faddish and trendy over the traditional and familial.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
9. The newly married couple riding in the train coach in the beginning of Stephen Crane’s “The Bride Comes to Yellow Sky” are out of place and uncomfortable in their surroundings.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
10. In Stephen Crane’s “The Bride Comes to Yellow Sky,” Scratchy Wilson, a gun- slinger, comes across to the reader as a child who has never grown up.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
11. In T.O. Beachcroft’s short story “The Erne from the Coast,” Harry, “a slip of a boy” who is cruelly embarrassed by his father in front of another man, proves
how brave he really is when he battles and kills a sea eagle.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
12. Mr. Pippin, the old man who moves into a cottage next to the well-meaning bird-killer, Mrs. Oglethorpe, in Patricia McConnel‘s “The Aviarian,” is, aptly,
described in birdlike terms.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
13. In F. Scott Fitzgerald’s story “Absolution,” Rudolf Miller and his father share a fearful relationship based on lies and violence.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
14. In “The Sweetheart of the Song Tra Bong,” a short story in Tim O’Brien’s novel The Things They Carried, Mary Ann Bell, a girlfriend of one of the soldiers who is brought to Vietnam to visit him, is slowly lost to the war through her
deepening involvement with it.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
15. Though Lyman, the narrator of Louise Erdrich’s “The Red Convertible,”
knows his brother, Henry, is troubled, he admires Henry immensely.
__a.__b.__c.__d.__e.__f. __g.__h.__i.
~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~
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Drill 2
Below are 15 pretty bad theses or topic sentences, none of which should be used
for response papers.
Step 1. Read each sentence.
Step 2. Then, try to figure why the thesis fails.
a. Is it a casual opinion based on emotion or personal bias?
b. Is it a statement of fact?
c. Is it a broad or vague statement of opinion?
d. Does it try to prove MORE THAN ONE thesis?
e. Does it say a story offers a theme or moral?
f. Does it try to interpret an “author’s intent”?
g. Is the phrasing of the thesis not specific?
1. In F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, the characters Daisy and Nick are
cousins who haven’t seen each other in a long time.
__Emo/bias
__Fact __Broad/Vague __>1 point
__Moral/theme __ Author’s Intent
__ Not Stated Specifically
2. Achilles, the hero of Homer’s Iliad, is both a great fighter and, by the end of
the poem, something of a philosopher about life.
__Emo/bias
3. Elisenda, the wife of the main character in Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s “A Very
Old Man with Enormous Wings,” charges people money to see the angel.
__Emo/bias
4. Herman Melville’s short story “Bartleby, the Scrivener” teaches us that it is
better to hold to our ideals than to bend to another person’s will.
__Emo/bias
5. The narrator of Robert Frost’s poem “Mending Wall” is an idiot.
__Emo/bias
6. Phoebe, a character in The Catcher in the Rye, gives Holden money and
advice.
__Emo/bias
7. Henry David Thoreau discovers an important truth about life in his booklength essay Walden.
__Emo/bias
8. Henry David Thoreau, in his book Walden, says we should “simplify” our lives.
__Emo/bias
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9. Ernest Gaines, in A Gathering of Old Men, narrates his story in a most
intriguing way.
__Emo/bias
10. The end of Homer’s Odyssey stinks.
__Emo/bias
11. Huck Finn and Jim go down the Mississippi on a raft in Mark Twain’s The
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.
__Emo/bias
12. John Updike meant to trick his readers when he wrote “A Sense of Shelter.”
__Emo/bias
13. At the end of Sophocles’ Oedipus the King, the main character, Oedipus, is
blind.
__Emo/bias
14. Thurber’s “The Catbird Seat” proves that having a good reputation can get
you out of trouble sometimes.
__Emo/bias
15. Aeneas, the main character in Vergil’s Aenied, saves his father from the burning city of Troy.
__Emo/bias
Assignment
Read a short story along with your class. Then, on a piece of looseleaf paper,
think up three theses that you might be able to prove in a response paragraph about the
story. For each thesis, list three facts from the story (something a character says, does or
thinks, or something the narrator says) that prove the thesis. Compare your theses with
those created by your classmates.
19
Chapter 3
Using Citations in Response Papers
As we said back in Chapter 1 (p. 7), when you write your response, you never
want to summarize the story about which you’re writing. Your teacher has read the
story! Don’t just retell it to him or her. Instead, discuss it, analyze it, investigate it, try to
discover something new about it that you find on the page of the story itself.
To prove your point, include in your proof sentences (the ones that follow and
prove the thesis) passages, direct quotes -- known as citations -- from the original source
material that you are discussing.
~~ NB ~~
“Clear writing leads to
clear thinking. You don’t
know what you know
until you try to express
it. Good writing is partly
a matter of character.
Instead of doing what’s
easy for you, do what’s
easy for your reader.”
—Michael A. Covingt o n , P ro f e s s o r o f
Computer Science
at The University of
Georgia
(from “How to Write
More Clearly, Think
More Clearly, and Learn
Complex Ma-terial
More Easily”)
http://
gettingreal.37signals.
com/ch08_Wordsmiths.
php
These citations help to prove the point you’re making. They are the FACTS that
you cite (quote) from the story to back up or prove your thesis.
They’re the facts? What does that mean?
When we write response papers about literature, we base our theses on the
“facts” -- the REPEATED evidence, the events -- in a story or novel. And, by DEFINITION------------->: (memorize this!) these facts are anything a character says, does or
thinks and anything the narrator says. These facts prove our theses true. They can’t be
theses because they’re facts, but they can be cited to back up theses. When writing about
literature, these facts -- anything a character says, does or thinks and anything the narrator says -- provide the strongest defense for our ideas.
Why?
For starters, citing the source suggests to your teacher that you actually read it
and understood it before you wrote the paper!
More important, by citing a passage from the original, you tell the reader that
your opinion is based on evidence, that it is an informed opinion. In other words, you say
to the reader, “Look, don’t take my word as the only support for my thesis. Look at what
the writer of the story wrote. They’re her words, not mine. The author’s words on the
printed page prove my point!”
A citation, a quote, a passage taken directly from a reading, is often some of the
strongest evidence you can use to defend your thesis.
But remember one thing about citations: while they are strong proof of an argument, BY THEMSELVES, THEY PROVE NOTHING!
How can that be?
Imagine a courtroom in which someone is being tried for a crime. At some point
in the proceedings, the prosecution might introduce a confession of guilt made by the
defendant. The prosecuting attorney will read the words of the confession to the jury and
claim that they PROVE THE DEFENDANT IS GUILTY. But, when the defendant’s lawyer
presents her case, she will try to discredit the confession; she might claim that the police
forced her client to confess. The defendant’s lawyer will claim that the words DON’T
PROVE THE DEFENDANT IS GUILTY.
Both lawyers will try, in other words, to show how the words of the defendant
prove their case. And they will do so by placing those words in the context of their argument. The prosecutor will claim that the confession backs up other damning evidence in
20
the case; the defense, will say that the “forced” confession is part of a conspiracy by the
police against his client.
It bears restating: presented by themselves, citations or facts prove nothing.
So how can you turn them into proof?
Always, always, ALWAYS put them in context!
What does that mean in a response paper?
It means that you NEVER place a citation in a sentence all by itself!
Instead, put citations in sentences that help explain how they prove your argument. Just as a lawyer uses context to show a jury how the facts prove her case, use the
context of your argument to show readers how the facts in a story prove your point. Placing citations within the context of explanatory sentences enables your reader to see the
logic of your argument -- clearly and quickly.
In this response paper, on The Odyssey, the citations (underline them) appear in
sentences all by themselves:
Paragraph 5
In chapters 16 & 17, both Eumaeus, the faithful herder, and Penelope,
Odysseus’ wife, greet Telemachus, son of Odysseus who had travelled in
search of news of his father, in the same terms. Eumaeus says, “So you
are back, Telemachus, light of my eyes!” “And I thought I would never
see you again, once you had sailed for Pylos!” And Penelope says, “You’re
back, Telemachus, light of my eyes. And I thought I would never see you
again after you had sailed for Pylos to find out about your dear father – so
secretly, so much against my wishes. Come, tell me whether you saw him.”
These greetings contain terms that express both excitement and concern.
Telemachus must have been a very well-liked person to get such greetings.
The paragraph doesn’t add up to much. (i) The thesis is vague, maybe even a
fact. (ii) The citations, presented out of context -- in sentences by themselves, unconnected to the ongoing discussion around them -- don’t seem to prove anything when
they should be the strongest proof of something! (iii) And the writer spends the last two
sentences telling us what it all means instead of letting the facts -- the citations -- speak
for themselves.
How to fix this problem?
(a) Cite fewer words, ONLY the key words that defend the thesis;
(b) put those words in the context of other sentences that help explain how
the facts prove the thesis; and
(c) tell us what the quoted words prove FIRST; then mix the words into the
response.
Here’s the passage edited to focus the thesis and to put the cited passages in
context and let them prove the thesis:
Paragraph 6
In chapters 16 & 17, both Eumaeus, the faithful herder, and Penelope,
Odysseus’ wife, greet Telemachus, son of Odysseus who had travelled in
21
search of news of his father, with excitement and concern. Both characters
say how happy they are to see him, calling him the “light of [their] eyes.”
At the same time, they stress their care for him saying they had thought
they “would never see [him] again.” Such greetings, repeated as they are by
Homer, suggest that Telemachus must have been a very well-liked person.
Note three things about Paragraph 6:
1. The cited passages in it are more concise than those in Paragraph 5.
They include ONLY the KEY WORDS ( “light of [their] eyes”) and
(“would never see [him] again”) needed to defend the thesis.
2. The
context (the writer’s words in Paragraph 6) -- “Both characters say how
happy they are to see him” and “they stress their care for him” -- suggests how the citations prove his thesis. Each cited passage is now
part of a sentence in the paragraph that helps explain how the fact in the
passage proves the theses. No citation is presented in a sentence by itself
-- as the citations were in Paragraph 5 -- where it would prove nothing.
3. Paragraph 6 tells us what the citations prove first -- that family and friends
greet Telemachus with expressions of “excitement and concern.” Para
graph 5 mentions this observation but only near the end. By moving
this observation from the end of the paragraph to the beginning, the
writer of Paragraph 6 tells us what the words he will cite prove before he
even cites them; then, when he does cite them, their meaning makes
sense to us immediately.
~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~
Quick Review
1. In a response, never _________________ the story about which you’re writing.
2. Instead, analyze it, investigate it, try to discover something new about it that
you find _____________________ of the story itself.
3. Every response paragraph that you write about literature should include ________________________ from the original source material.
4. By citing passages, you tell the reader that your opinion is based on facts, that
it is an _______________ opinion.
5. A citation, a passage taken directly from a reading, is often some of the
______________________________________ you can cite to defend your thesis.
6. Citations, by themselves, prove __________________.
7. Citations will prove your thesis only when you present them in
_________________.
8. Never present a citation in a _____________________ all by itself.
9. Put citations in sentences that help explain how the facts prove your
_____________.
22
10. Placing citations within the context of explanatory sentences enables your
reader to see the __________________of your argument -- clearly and quickly.
11. When you cite a passage, cite only the ______________________ that defend
your thesis.
12. Always tell us what the passage proves before/after you cite it. (Circle
correct answer.)
#####
Drill 1
Starting on the next page are four passages taken from response papers written
by students in a recent high-school English class. The “original” passages DO NOT cite
properly; the “revised” passages do. The citations in the revised passages
-- a) contain only key words that prove the thesis,
-- b) are placed in context, within sentences that prove how the citations prove
the thesis, and
-- c) are prefaced by a statement that tells us what the cited words prove before
they’re even cited.
*
Step 1. Read each passage out loud.
Step 2. Then, on the lines provided after each revision, write out the revised
passage, by hand. As you write, say the words out loud and listen to the sound
of them.
~~ NB ~~
(Remember, you will want to cite this way when you write your own response papers. You can always refer back to these examples throughout the school year.)
Original Passage A (contains improper citation):
Laurie, the main character in Shirley Jackson’s short story “Charles,” started
showing his independence on the first day of school. His mother said, “The day
my son started kindergarten, he renounced corduroy overalls with bibs and
began wearing blue jeans with a belt; I watched him go off the first morning with
the older girl next door, seeing clearly that an era of my life was ended, my sweetvoiced nursery-school tot replaced by a long-trousered, swaggering character who
forgot to stop at the corner and wave good-bye to me.”
Revision A (cited properly):
Laurie, the main character in Shirley Jackson’s short story “Charles,” started
showing his independence on the first day of school. That day, according to his
mother, he “renounced corduroy overalls with bibs,” clothes that a younger child
would wear, and instead started to put on clothes associated with older kids,
specifically “blue jeans with a belt.” After the girl next door came to take Laurie
to school, he walked away like a “swaggering character.” Once he reached the
corner of the block, he even “forgot to stop . . . and wave good-bye to” his
mother.
23
<
The “. . .” in “Revision A” is called
an ellipsis. We use
ellipses when we
cite or quote words
BUT leave some of
them out. In “Revision A,” the writer
left out the words
“at the corner,”
and he indicated
that he did so by
using an ellipsis.
“Ellipsis” comes
from a Greek word
that means “less
than perfect”; it
refers to a flattened
c i rc u l a r s h a p e ,
called an ellipse,
which -- unlike the
circle it is based
on -- is not perfectly round. This
citation, because it
lacks some words,
is “less perfectly”
quoted than the
original, but still
fine to use..
*
~~ NB ~~
Why has the writer
of Passage B put
the “S” in “she”
in square brackets
-- “[S]he”? Those
brackets indicate
that the writer of
the paragraph has
capitalized the “s,”
that in the original story the word
“she” is not capitalized. Any time you
as a writer change
anything in a direct
quote, you must
put the change in
square brackets
to tell your reader
that the changed
word or spelling is
yours, not the original authors. See
p. 21 for another
example.
Original Passage B (contains improper citation):
>
Madame Loisel, the main character in Guy de Maupassant’s “The Necklace,”
wants to be somebody. “[S]he had no evening clothes, no jewels, nothing. But those were
the things she wanted; she felt that was the kind of life for her. She so much longed to
please, be envied, be fascinating and sought after.”
Revision B (cited properly):
Madame Loisel, the main character in Guy de Maupassant’s “The Necklace,”
wants to be somebody. We’re told that Madame, who is the wife of a lowly clerk and as
such has “no evening clothes, no jewels,” desires those things and the “kind of life” they
represent “for her.” Moreover, Madame, who is unhappy living the life of a lonely housewife, “longs” to “please, be envied, be fascinating and sought after” by members of the
cultivated upper classes.
24
Original Passage C (contains improper citation):
Even after Monsieur Loisel gives her money to buy a fancy dress, Madame complains that she can’t go out in the dress in public. “[I]t’s embarrassing not to have a jewel
or gem -- nothing to wear on my dress. I’ll look like a pauper; I’d almost rather not go to
that party.”
Revision C (cited properly):
*
~~ NB ~~
Have you noticed:
ALL THE REVISIONS in
this drill STICK TO ONE
SUBJECT!
The original passages
do not.
Even after Monsieur Loisel gives her money to buy a fancy dress, Madame complains that she can’t go out in the dress in public. Because her husband is a simple clerk,
she has to explain to him that it would be “embarrassing” to her if she did not have “a
jewel or gem . . . to wear on [her] dress” at a fancy dress party like the one to which she
has been invited. When the husband still doesn’t seem to understand, the wife persists
saying if she doesn’t wear fine jewels on a fancy dress she will “look like a pauper.” She
says she would “almost rather not go to that party” than go without the proper jewelry for
her dress.
25
Original Passage D (contains improper citation):
The dancers in the story are described as being elegant. “They were a graceful
lot, men and women, all in sleek attire, moving about the stage with balletic ease. Sarah
couldn’t take her eyes off them but had to watch them, so full of a child’s energy they
seemed even though not one of them was younger than twenty-five or thirty.”
Revision D (cited properly):
*
~~ NB ~~
Here are those
s q u a r e b r a c ke t s
again. The writer
of Passage D began
writing in present
tense (“are described”), so when
she cited a part of
the story that contained past-tense
verbs, she had to
c h a n ge t h e m t o
present tense. She
changed them, and
placed the changes
in square brackets.
Readers know those
are her words, not
the original author’s.
>
The dancers in the story are described as being elegant. They are called “a graceful lot” dressed in “sleek attire.” They move with “balletic ease” and, though they are all
in their 20’s and 30’s, they have about them what the main character, Sarah, thinks of as
a “child’s energy.” Because they dance so well, they seem to force Sarah to not “take her
eyes off them” and make her feel as though she “ha[s] to watch them.”
26
Drill 2
Here three responses written by students. Each presents a good model of how to
cite in a response.
Step 1. Read the following papers out loud, listening for how the writers use
citations to help prove their points and context to help support the citations.
Step 2. On the lines provided after each, write out the response by hand. As
you write, say the words out loud and listen to the sound of them. You’ll want
your response papers to sound like these models.
Passage F:
The narrator of Black Boy, Richard Wright, stubbornly seeks to learn things and to
make things go his way. Though, after he asks his mother if his grandmother white, she
hesitates to answer, he continues to ask questions until she satisfies his curiosity, refusing
to be “shut out of the secret, the thing, the reality [he feels] somewhere beneath all
the words and silences.” Later, after a neighbor suggests that the people next door are
“selling something,” Richard, who “wants to know about it,” “put[s] his ear to the thin
wall” of the house to see if he can hear noises next door. He even places a box on a chair
and “climb[s] up and peer[s] through a crack at the top of the door” to try to get a look
into the next room. Finally, when he tries to sell his dog, Betsy, he wants a dollar for her.
Even though a white lady offers him ninety-seven cents, he repeatedly claims he “want[s]
a dollar” and not one cent less.
27
Passage G:
In Book V of Homer’s The Odyssey, the nymph Calypso, despite the fact that she holds
Odysseus on her island, wants the best for him. Though, after she is told by the gods
that he must leave, she is reluctant to let him leave, she realizes that Odysseus should
go home. She tells Odysseus that she will personally “stock [his boat] with food and
water”; she even offers to include for his trip “ruddy wine to [his] taste.” When she sees
that Odysseus fears that she is simply tricking him and wants to wreck his raft once it is
on the sea, Calypso swears that she will focus all her energy on his returning home and
that she is “all compassion” for him. Even as Odysseus sails off, Calypso is true to her
word; she provides the man with weapons and the finest clothes she has. Calypso loves
Odysseus and, as if to prove this love, she does what’s best for him.
28
Passage H:
In Books V-VIII of Homer’s Odyssey, Athena, the goddess of wisdom, is very helpful to
Odysseus. When Odysseus lands on the island of the Phaeacians -- a lonely, dirty stranger
in a place unknown to him -- Athena inspires the young, shy Phaeacian princess Nausicaa
to not fear his horrid looks and, instead, help him. In addition, after Odysseus takes
his bath, Athena transforms his appearance to “[make] him taller to all eyes, his build
more massive” so that Nausicaa and the others who see him will think highly of him and
want to help him even more. After Nausicaa warns Odysseus to be careful not to be seen
with her as he walks to her parents’ palace, Athena “drift[s] a heavy mist around him,
shielding him” from the eyes of any who might do him harm or think he and Nausicaa
are engaged. Along the way to the palace, Athena also appears to Odysseus disguised as
a little girl who leads him to the king and queen and advises him to “[b]e bold” when he
meets them. Athena harbors nothing but kindness for Odysseus as she helps him to find
his way home.
29
*
~~ NB ~~
Have you noticed:
ALL THE REVISIONS in
this drill STICK TO ONE
SUBJECT!
#####
Assignment
Write a response paper that includes several citations in the proof sentences.
For your thesis, use one of the theses you (or a classmate) wrote in answer to the
assignment on p. 19.
When you add your citations to this responses paper, remember to
-- cite only the words you need to cite in order to prove your point;
-- explain what the citations mean before you present them; and
-- present the citations in context, in sentences that help explain how the citations prove your thesis argument.
Be sure, as with all responses, to offer your argument in some logical order and
to proofread your paper carefully before you hand it in. Do your best writing and try to
make a positive impression on your teacher. (If you’re unsure of any of this, re-read the
model paragraphs and passages. They’re there to help build your confidence!)
30
Chapter 4
Writing the Conclusion Sentence
For many writers, writing the conclusion sentence is the hardest part of writing
the response paper. How can you write a good one?
When you write that last sentence, you want to conclude forcefully, with an idea
the reader will remember for a while. After all, the conclusion is the last sentence of the
response paper; it’s what many readers are likely to remember about your paper, and it’s
your final chance to sell the idea that you’ve been promoting since the opening thesis
sentence. In order to write a memorable last sentence, try to do three things in your
conclusion:
~~ NB ~~
1. Refer back to your thesis.
Do not simply write the thesis again as a conclusion, but refer to an idea in the
thesis or reword a part of the thesis in your conclusion. Look at Jacob Sweeney’s paper;
in the first and last sentences of his paper, he refers to “thirst for knowledge” and “curiosity.” His conclusion, in other words, refers back to his thesis. By referring back to your
thesis, you remind your reader what your point was in the first place.
2. Bring the argument of the paragraph to a close.
The last sentence should seem inevitable; the paragraph had to reach this point.
No conclusion should be open-ended.
3. Tell the reader why your paper is important.
You never want your readers to get to the last sentence of a response paper and
ask, “So what?” A good conclusion should answer the question “So what?” It should tell
the reader why the paper was written in the first place, how the information in it is significant. Jacob’s conclusion does just that. Were a reader to ask, “So Odysseus has a thirst
for knowledge. So what?”, Jacob’s paragraph would give them the answer: this “thirst for
knowledge reveals Odysseus “as a man of almost unbounded curiosity.”
A well-constructed conclusion is like the perfect ending to a movie. Nothing ruins
a movie more than a crumby ending. And nothing makes a movie -- or a response paper
-- more satisfying than a conclusion that wraps things up and makes them seem worthwhile. Or, put another way, your conclusion is the last thing readers remember about
your paper. Make sure it’s a good one so that they remember it fondly -- especially when
they’re assigning it a grade.
~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~
Quick Review
1. In the last sentence of a response paper, you want to conclude _______________.
2. In order to do so, try to refer back to your ________________; DO NOT simply
__________________________________________ but refer to an idea in the
___________________ or reword a part of it.
3. Also in the conclusion, try to bring the ________________________________
to a close. The conclusion should never be _______________________.
4. And try to tell your reader why your paper is ______________________.
31
“10 Ways to Become a
Better Writer”
#1 Read as Much as
You Can
“You’ve probably heard
it before, but everyone
says it because it is true.
You can’t be a good
writer without being a
good reader first. So,
try to read as much as
you can—pick up books
that you like, books you
don’t like and books you
never pictured yourself
reading. You never
know what you might
get out of them.”
-http://degreedirectory.
org/articles/10_Ways_to_
Become_a_
Better_Writer.html
5. A good conclusion should answer the question, “___________________?”.
#####
Drill
~~ NB ~~
Better Writer” (Cont’d)
#2 Write as Much as
You Can
“Writing is just like
everything else. The
more you do it, the better
you get at it. Remember,
you are in charge of
what, where and how
much you write. Take
control and make every
effort to write as much
as you can.”
Become_a_
Better_Writer.html
Step 1. Reread Paragraphs 2, 3, and 4 on pp. 6-8 of this book.
Step 2. Then, on the lines labeled “Your Concluding Sentence” below on this
page, write a concluding sentence for each paragraph. In your concluding
sentence, be sure to try
• to refer back to the thesis of the paragraph,
•to bring the argument of the paragraph to a close, and
•to tell the reader why your paper is important.
Step 3. Now go around the class, reading the concluding sentences of other
students. When you hear one you like, write it down in the space under the
words “Good Concluding Sentences.” Refer back to these models as you write
concluding sentences in the future.
Your Concluding Sentence for Paragraph 2:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
Your Concluding Sentence for Paragraph 3: ______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
Your Concluding Sentence for Paragraph 4:
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
Good Concluding Sentences:
32
Chapter 5
The World’s Best Editing Tip
Want to know the easiest, most efficient way to check to make sure your writing
is clear and polished? Want to know how it will sound to a reader before the reader reads
it?
Read your writing out loud.
The writer of this book, who has taught high-school English for almost 25 years
now and has always asked his students to read their work out loud before handing it in,
estimates that, by doing so, they have caught and fixed as many as 80% of the errors in
some papers (errors that they otherwise would have handed in and had marked against
them!). That’s a lot of errors. It’s probably enough – if you find the errors and fix them
before handing in your own papers – to help you raise your score on a paper by a whole
grade. Think of that.
So, as you write, read out loud. When you finish a draft of a paragraph, read it
out loud, listening for the sound of the writing as well as for the places that might throw a
reader off. When you come to errors, fix them. If a passage doesn’t sound right, but you
don’t know how to make it sound better, read it out loud to one of your parents or to your
teacher, asking them what they think you should do. The odds are, though, that if you
get in the habit of reading your writing out loud every time you write (no matter if you’re
writing for an English class, or for a history, religion or math class -- or for an admissions
committee at your favorite college), you’ll become better and better at writing ideas completely and clearly.
How does reading your writing out loud improve your writing? That’s hard to
say. And while the author of this book is not a trained linguist or physiologist who might
be able to explain the interaction among thoughts, words, and sounds, he -- and a lot of
English teachers -- would agree that a couple of principles are probably at work:
1. When you read your writing out loud, you are involving at least three senses
in the writing process: your sense of touch (your fingers on the pen or the key pad), your
sense of sight (your eyes looking at the page or computer screen), and your sense of
hearing (your ears hearing the words as you say them). Throw in the fact that your mouth
is saying the words out loud and the possibility that you’re using a scented ink in your
pen, and you have all your senses involved in writing a paragraph.
So?
Well, what’s one way your brain gathers information? Through your senses! Your
sensory experiences make an impression on your brain, and it stands to reason that the
more senses you get involved in an experience, the more ways you’re impressing that
experience on the brain. Think of the sights, smells, and sounds at a beach or fair you’ve
visited, and you get an idea of how a multi-sensory experience can stay with you. The
same thing could very well apply to writing, which we don’t always think of as a sensory
experience. But it is. And the more senses we involve in the process, the more alert we
might be able to make ourselves to the sounds, look, and feel of good writing.
2. People who write for a living — poets, essayists, novelists, and short-story
writers, even people who write reports at work, and who do it well — read their work out
33
~~ NB ~~
D o n’t b e l i eve a n
English teacher
that reading your
writing out loud can
be your best bet for
self-editing? Here’s
what a professional
editor advises on the
website Copyblogger.com under the
heading “5 Easy
Steps to Editing Your
Own Work”:
Once you’ve written
something, she says,
“clean it up and read
it again. Out loud.
“After you’ve made
your revisions, print
your docu-ment
(don’t edit onscreen!)
and read it again. . .
. don’t skip this step.
You’ll be amazed
at how much you’ll
catch.”
-- Anna Goldsmith,
partner, The Hired
Pens, a Boston-based
copywriting firm
loud. They also listen as they read to hear what their writing sounds like. And – guess
what? – as they read, they hear the mistakes they’ve made in their writing. They hear the
misspelled words, the improper usages, the awkward passages, the places in which they
don’t offer complete ideas. Then, as they read, they stop to fix those mistakes.
Walt Whitman, the famous American poet, whose poems often have a windblown, bold, brash sound about them, used to go to the Atlantic seashore and yell his
poems into the incoming wind to test how they would sound when he read them to an
audience. This little trick, no doubt, showed him places he needed to work on to get his
writing to sound just so. Performance poets (thinks Def Poetry Jam) read their writing
out loud. As do motivational speakers who often read (or recite) from material they’ve
published. But when they read that written material as part of a lecture, it sounds like –
that’s right – a speech. Why? Because when they wrote, they read their writing out loud.
~~ NB ~~
Better Writer” (Cont’d)
#5 Build Your Vocabulary
* Word of the Day Learn a new word every
day at Merriam-Webster
Online.
* Free Vocab Builder
- Improve your vocabulary with this Vocab
Builder from Univsource.com.
* Vocabulary Tests Take quizzes and make
your own vocabulary
lists at Vocaboly.com.
“You are bound to be
more expressive when
you write if you have
more words at your
command. When you
come across a word
you don’t know, look
it up and try to use it
in your writing. Seek
out vocabulary building
exercises and do
whatever else you can
think of to increase the
number of words you
have at your disposal.”
Become_a_
Better_Writer.html
3. As you quietly read something someone else has written, don’t you often find
yourself saying the words in your head? Isn’t there a little voice sounding out the words
somewhere inside? If you do hear such a voice, it doesn’t mean you’re crazy; instead, it
means you’re listening to what the writer is saying.
Now apply this idea to readers of your writing. Aren’t they hearing your words
aloud in their heads as they read? Aren’t they saying your words in the little voice with
which they read? If you read your writing out loud, as you write and edit, you’ll be coming close to hearing your writing as your readers will hear it when they read it. If you read
your writing out loud and come across a passage that doesn’t sound right to you, you can
be almost certain that it won’t sound right to your readers, either.
So, if you want to improve your writing immediately and almost painlessly, read
it out loud. If you don’t trust yourself, read it out loud to someone whom you do trust – a
teacher or a parent. Maybe they’ll hear stuff that you won’t. In time, though, you’ll train
your writing voice and your ear to hear your words as other people hear them. And you’ll
become a better writer and make better impressions on the people who read what you
write.
#####
A Note on the Writing in This Book
Most English grammar books are pretty dull to read. The language conforms to
every rule laid out in the book, and the result is a fairly uninteresting read.
That “uninteresting-ness” isn’t easy to explain. The English language is probably
the most alive language in the world; every year it spawns new words and expressions,
words and expressions that find their way around the world. (In 2009, the Oxford English
Dictionary added the words “muggle,” “threequel” and “mini-me” -- among others -- to
its list of words officially “in” the language.) English grammar is discussed in public by
clever people. And your English teacher is a pretty interesting character, right? Then why
the dullness in grammar texts?
Again, it’s hard to say. To kids your age, the intricacies of the split infinitive and
the correlative conjunction must be just fascinating. (NOT!) This book tries to recognize
that reality.
And it does so by taking a conversational tone, a tone not unlike that which you
might associate with texts, or with emails, or with informal classroom lectures.
34
Conversational English -- the language you use in most of your classrooms -- is
much less formal than is written English. It’s the language of everyday conversation
around a good part of the world, and it’s the language this textbook tries to emulate.
(That means “imitate.”)
Some of your teachers past or future (and maybe some of your teachers right
now) will object to the lack of formality in this book. The writer writes, occasionally, in
sentence fragments. He uses casual expressions. And he begins some sentences with
words such as “And” and “But” and uses prepositions to end others with.
Does he want you to write this way in your response papers? Of course not. Does
he trust you to recognize the difference between formal written English and conversational written English? Of course he does. After all, he thinks you’re pretty smart.
~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~
Assignment
Find a paragraph or paper that you wrote recently for this class or for another
and that you didn’t read out loud before handing in. Now read it out loud to a classmate.
Listen to the sounds your sentences make, to the rise and fall of your voice, for the logic
in your words. Watch the effect of your words on your listener. When you come to an
error – a spelling mistake, a grammar foul up, a passage that isn’t clear because it isn’t
complete – stop immediately and correct the error. Then, at the end of the paragraph,
count up all the new errors you found (or that your teacher missed when he or she was
correcting the paragraph). Compare your results with those of others in the class.
~~ NB ~~
Better Writer”
(Cont’d)
#7 Write for an Audience
“When you write for
yourself, it’s easy to be
lazy. But when you write
for an audience, it’s hard
not to write your best.
Do yourself a favor and
put your work out there.
Ask your friends and
family to read what you
have written, . . . You’ll
build confidence and
create something special
on a regular basis.”
#10 Forget Spell
Check—Proofread
“Proofreading is just
as important as editing.
Careless mistakes can
cost you . . . embarrass
you and ruin a good
piece of writing. Always
proofread what you
write. Do it slowly and
do it twice.”
Become_a_
Better_Writer.html
35
Chapter 6
Review of Response Papers
1. Our writing tells people _______________________________________
2. A response paper is a brief, __________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
3. A response paper is characterized in five ways:
(a)
a ________________ paragraph that
(b)
shows you are _____________ along with the reading,
(c)
presents an argument _______________ly,
(d)
cites ____________________ from the reading that prove the
point you’re making,
and
(e)
is properly _________________ and well written.
4. What are the marks of a “complete” paragraph?
(a) __________________________________________________________
(b) __________________________________________________________
5. A thesis is _________________________________________________________.
6. The opinion in a thesis is called an “informed opinion” because it is an opinion based on ________________________________________________________.
7. When you “characterize” something, you discuss the mix of _________ or
__________________ that _____________ that something or make it
_______________ or ________________________.
8. A thesis is __________ opinion, a ________ idea, a _______________. It’s an
idea that you claim as ______________, not as someone else’s. Some theses are
better than others (more interesting, more complex, more ingenious), but every
successful response paper tries to explore _______________________.
9. The best way to come up with theses of your own is to read for
_____________________________.
10. A writer calls our attention to important ideas in a story simply by repeating
them. Repetition is the fundamental means by which writers build stories.
_______________ is an artistic tool.
11. Fiction writers use repetitions in their stories to create ________________.
12. By showing us a character acting or responding or speaking repeatedly in the
same way in similar situations, writers give their characters the pattern called
____________________.
13. If we read stories carefully, we can see these repetitions, these patterns.
___________.
36
14. If a thesis is based on personal bias, it can’t be an __________________
opinion, or one based on an examination of facts.
15. A thesis can’t be a statement of fact, for, if it were, it would leave you with
____________________________________________.
16. Rather than being broad or vague, a thesis should always be a
_______________ statement of opinion.
17. In a response paper, you should always/never say something about, comment
on, or remark thoughtfully about the story.
18. DO/DON’T write theses that prove more that one point in a response paper.
19. DO/DON’T write theses that maintain that a story offers a theme or moral.
20. It’s a good/bad idea to write about an author’s intent in a thesis.
21. And be vague/specific in the phrasing of your thesis.
22. In a response paper, never summarize the story about which you are writing.
Instead, analyze it, investigate it, try to discover something new about it that you
find _____________________ of the story itself.
23. By themselves, citations prove ________________.
24. Citations prove your thesis only when they are presented in ______________.
25. In order to suggest how a citation proves the thesis, it is often best to tell us
what the citation proves before/after citing it.
26. When you cite, always/never put the citation in a sentence by itself.
28. When you cite always/never cite only the KEY WORDS that will prove your
argument stated in the thesis.
29. Citations contain FACTS from a story or poem that prove a thesis. These
facts consist of anything a character __________, ____________, or
_______________ and anything a narrator _____________.
30. In the last sentence of a response paper, you want to conclude forcefully. In
order to do so, try to refer back to your ________________; DO NOT simply
write the _______________ again but refer to an idea in it or and expand upon a
part of it.
31. Also in the conclusion, try to bring the ________________________________
to a close. The conclusion should never be _______________________.
32. And, in the conclusion, try to tell your reader why your paper is
______________________.
33. A good conclusion should answer the question, “___________________?”
34. The best way to edit your work is to ________________________________ as
you write it and rewrite it.
37
Chapter 7
A Closer Look at the Sample Paragraph
But what makes one response paper better than another? Let’s talk about that.
*
~~ NB ~~
The main verb in the
first sentence of the
paragraph to the right
-- “displays” -- is in
present tense. The
main verb of every
sentence that follows
is also in present tense.
A good writer never
switches the tense of
the main verbs. (Some
fiction writers may do
so for effect, but you
should never do so in
a response paper.)
Below are two paragraphs. The first is the sample response you read on page 1
of this book (with the subject of each sentence in bold type.). The second is the same
paragraph written in a very different way. Read the two now – out loud — and listen to the
difference.
Jacob Sweeney’s Paragraph (#1)
In the middle chapters of Homer’s Odyssey, Odysseus, one of the main
characters in the story, displays his thirst for knowledge about new
places and for exploration. On his way home to the island of Ithaca,
when he and his men come to the land of the Lotus Eaters, Odysseus
“sen[ds] a detail ahead . . . to scout out who might live” there. Arriving later with his crew at another island, which turns out to be home to
the Cyclops, a terrible monster, Odysseus volunteers to go “with [his]
own ship and crew [to] probe the natives living” there. Still farther on
in his journey, after Odysseus reaches the shores of the home of Circe,
a witch, he decides to venture onto her island despite his comrades’
“plead[ing] and begging” him not to explore the terrible looking place.
Learning from Circe that he must visit the Underworld, the realm of the
dead, in order to discover the rest of his route home, Odysseus does not
back away from the task; in fact, he is fully willing to venture to this new,
unknown place, and he is intrigued to speak with dead souls whom he
had known before leaving Ithaca and Troy. Finally, after the adventurer
returns to Circe’s island and from there heads to Ithaca, leaving Circe’s
island for good, he is “bent on hearing” the song of the Sirens, “those
creatures who spellbind any man alive” with their singing, and orders
himself strapped to his ship’s mast as his boat passes their island; Odysseus is thus able to hear the alluring song while his men, whose ears are
plugged with wax, safely steer clear of the Sirens’ dangerous island. In
these chapters, Odysseus emerges as a man of almost unbounded curiosity, and his desire for adventure seems limitless.
A Very Different Paragraph (#7)
In the middle chapters of Homer’s Odyssey, Odysseus displays
his thirst for knowledge. Odysseus is one of the main characters in the
story The Odyssey. Odysseus shows he has a thirst for knowledge about
new places. He shows he has a thirst for exploration. On his way home to
the island of Ithaca, he and his men come to the land of the Lotus Eaters. Odysseus “sen[ds] a detail ahead . . . to scout out who might live”
there. He arrives with his crew at another island. The island turns out
to be home to the Cyclops. The Cyclops is a terrible monster. Odysseus
volunteers to go “with [his] own ship and crew [to] probe the natives
living” on the island of the Cyclops. Odysseus reaches the shores of the
home of Circe. Circe is a witch. Odysseus decides to venture onto her
island. His comrades plead and beg with him not to explore the terrible looking place. Odysseus learns from Circe that he must visit the
Underworld. The Underworld is the realm of the dead. He must visit the
Underworld. He must discover the rest of his route home. Odysseus does
not back away from the task. He is fully willing to venture to this new,
38
unknown place. He is intrigued to speak with dead souls. He had known
some of them before leaving Ithaca and Troy. He returns to Circe’s
island and from there heads to Ithaca. The adventurer leaves Circe’s
island for good. He is “bent on hearing” the song of the Sirens. The
Sirens are creatures. The Sirens “spellbind any man alive” with their
singing. Odysseus orders himself strapped to his ship’s mast. His boat
passes the Sirens’ island. Odysseus is able to hear the alluring song.
His men’s ears are plugged with wax. His men safely steer clear of the
Sirens’ dangerous island. In these chapters, Odysseus emerges as a man
of almost unbounded curiosity. His desire for adventure seems limitless.
Which of the two paragraphs do you think sounds better? Which is written in a clearer,
more graceful voice? Which seems more intelligent, more sophisticated?
Jacob Sweeney’s paragraph is the better of the two. It just sounds more like the
work of a college-prep high school student than does Paragraph 7, doesn’t it? Think of
it this way: if you had to submit a college essay to the one college you wanted to attend
more than any in the world and the topic was “a response paper on The Odyssey,” AND
you were told you could plagiarize the entire paragraph if you wanted to, which of the two
would you submit to the college admissions committee?
What makes Jacob’s response superior?
He consistently does three things that the writer of the second paragraph fails to
do at all:
1. He sticks to one subject,
2. he combines two or more ideas in each separate sentence, and
3. he uses the words that connect those ideas to show the reader how the ideas
are related.
[1] Good writers stick to one subject!
What is the subject of the very first sentence of Jacob response? That’s right, it’s
“Odysseus.” It’s also the subject of every other sentence. A reader of his paragraph has
no trouble following exactly what Jacob is saying, because he sticks to one subject.
Contrast the smoothness of Jacob’s paragraph with the chaos in paragraph #7,
which keeps changing subject willy-nilly. It’s almost impossible for a reader to follow an
idea smoothly when it’s written this way . . . and if the reader happens to be your teacher?
We will talk later about how to maintain the subject in your writing, but for now
remember: Good writers stick to one subject. Try to do so in your own writing.
[2] Good writers often combine two or more ideas in a sentence.
Look at the sixth sentence in Jacob’s paragraph:
Finally, after the adventurer leaves Circe’s island for good, he is “bent on hearing” the song of the Sirens, “those creatures who spellbind any man alive” with their
singing, and orders himself strapped to his ship’s mast as his boat passes their island;
Odysseus is thus able to hear the alluring song while his men, whose ears are plugged
with wax, safely steer clear of the Sirens’ dangerous island.
This single sentence encompasses at least nine (9!) ideas, each of which we can write out
as a separate sentence:
39
a. The adventurer leaves Circe’s island for good
b. He is “bent on hearing” the song of the Sirens.
c. The Sirens are creatures.
d. The Sirens “spellbind any man alive” with their singing.
e. Odysseus orders himself strapped to his ship’s mast.
f. His boat passes the Sirens’ island.
g. Odysseus is able to hear the alluring song.
h. His men’s ears are plugged with wax.
i. His men safely steer clear of the Sirens’ dangerous island.
Sample paragraph #1 combines each of these separate ideas with related ideas
to create a sentence that reads more intelligently and more gracefully than the shorter,
choppier sentences we find in sample paragraph #7. Thus, paragraph #1 just sounds better than paragraph #7.
[3] Good writers use the words that connect ideas to show the reader how
the ideas are related.
Paragraph #1 simply makes more sense than does the second paragraph. That’s
because it uses words to show the relationships among the ideas that it combines.
Go back to that sixth sentence. The words “Finally,” “after,” “as,” “thus,” “while,”
and “whose” all work to show HOW the separate ideas in the sentence are related. (More
on this later.)
As we said, we will return later to the idea of sticking to one subject. But first we
need to teach you how to combine ideas into intelligent, graceful sentences just as Jacob
combined them.
There’s no great secret to what he did when he wrote his paragraph. He wrote it,
largely, in what you learned in elementary-school English classes as compound, complex,
and compound-complex sentences. Before we look at those fearsome-sounding sentences,
let’s make sure we all know what a sentence is and how we can identify one when we see
it.
~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~
Quick Review
Good writers
[1] stick to __________________________,
[2] often combine ___________________________________ ideas in a sentence,
and
[3] use the words that connect ideas to show the reader how the ideas are
_______________.
40

The Writing Project - Gonzaga College High School

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