Helping Children with Death and Funerals

January-February 2016
Helping
Children
with Death
and Funerals
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Board of Directors
Mark T. Higgins, President
Durham, NC, Group 3
919-688-6387
[email protected]
January-February 2016
Helping Children with Death and Funerals
2
6
8
12
21
23
2
Lindsey Jonkhoff Rogers: Hannah Bear Program
4
AnnYager McCrosky and Scott Robinson:
Explaining Death to Children
6
Brad Speaks: Special Ceremony Helps Children and Adults
8
Dr. Bill Hoy: Research Shows Growing Support of Funerals
as Beneficial to Children
J Mitchell, Secretary-Treasurer
Kilgore, TX, Group 5
903-984-2525
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Saugus, MA, Group 1
781-233-0300
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Laguna Hills, CA, Group 6
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12 Andy McNiel: Empowering Parents to Help Their Children
St. Charles, MO, Group 4
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Charles M. “Chip” Billow
10 Chris Butler and Judy Woerner: STAR Class for Children
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SELECTED VIEWS
Planting Seeds Early
By Mark T. Higgins, President
How I wound up on the floor that day perched in
front of a classroom of third graders was an unexpected
occurrence of convoluted circumstances with little
advance notice. Our firm was handling the funeral of
their classmate’s younger brother who was murdered,
and I was invited to talk about his death, the funeral and
how they might be supportive to the brother upon his
eventual return to school.
This was a rare privilege but by no means easy, yet
every one of us should have a shot at it during our career.
With children staring at us wide-eyed, we are forced to
talk simply and honestly without the usual couching in
adult speak.
Here’s the acid test: can we untie the knots in our
grown up minds and strip down our beliefs and concepts
around death to a raw form, palatable enough for
youngsters? And, can we be vulnerable enough by boldly
admitting we don’t have all the answers?
This issue of The Bulletin focuses on helping children
understand death. There is, of course, death in general—to
which children are grossly exposed today in the media
and online—and a death in particular, such as one in the
family. Both are worth addressing and must be taken
seriously. I fear we are producing a generation numb to
death, as is it everywhere. Children’s tender eyes and ears
are not spared.
Alan Wolfelt wisely termed children as “the forgotten
grievers” and we do well to prepare ourselves and our
personnel to employ effective approaches by engaging
grown-ups in the conversation and being comfortable
enough to interact with children at critical moments.
Years ago during his heyday, Selected enjoyed a close
relationship with Rabbi Earl Grollman, whose seminal
work on this subject contributed significantly to the role
we play in educating communities about guiding and
involving children. Earl was a proponent of allowing
children to attend funerals and how they need the
practice before moving into adulthood.
Fortunately today’s crop of parents concur with
this, yet it can get dicey around viewing bodies. This is
where we can offer expertise, experience and finesse to
confidently express this essential practice and to offer
our guidance when youngsters are introduced to seeing a
dead body.
As Selected members, we have valuable tools available
through Resources and the talent of fellow members
who are especially skilled in this area of death care.
Our concern toward individual families and whole
communities about children and death can go a long
way in positioning us as leaders in education and the
overall well-being of where we live and work. s
It gets close to home for us funeral professionals when
advising families with children, and herein lies a prime
opportunity. The children of today will make death
care decisions tomorrow. We can create positive and
meaningful experiences for them, forever influencing
their experience with loss and ideas about ceremony.
Let’s not underestimate this!
1
HELPING CHILDREN
Reynolds Jonkhoff Children’s Program Features
Bear Mascot and Custom Coloring Book
Lindsey Jonkhoff Rogers is a
sixth-generation funeral director at
Reynolds Jonkhoff Funeral Home,
Traverse City, MI. She was voted
the winner of the Best Practices
Competition at the 2015 Annual
Meeting with the presentation of
her firm’s Hannah Bear program
for children. It features a stuffed
bear, a custom coloring book and
a life-size mascot who attends
parades and holiday open houses.
Lindsey recently spoke to
The Bulletin about the program.
“The smaller version was created
by my mother, Peg Jonkhoff, with
our logo on the front and our name
on the back. It’s a keepsake that
children can take home in memory
of their loved one.
How did you create
the coloring book?
How did the Hannah Bear
concept get started?
“The life-size mascot costume
was originally used by our city
zoo. When the zoo closed, we
secured the rights and renamed
him Hannah Bear after Perry
Hannah who, in 1893, built the
Victorian-style home that is now
our funeral home. Kids love him
and think the funeral home is a
cool place with a big teddy bear
that gives them hugs.
2
“Admittedly, as a funeral
director, I would focus on the
spouse or adult children. I never
really thought about the kids or
grandkids, and I realized I was
missing an important opportunity.”
Lindsey Jonkhoff Rogers watches as
Hannah Bear gives out hugs during the
Best Practices Competition at the 2015
Annual Meeting.
“The bears are always very well
received, but we wanted to take the
concept to the next level. So in the
Spring of 2015, I created a coloring
book based on Hannah Bear to help
children with their grief. It also has
tips to help adults talk with a child
about death.
“I researched the other children’s
books but decided to create my own.
I wrote the text and consulted with
grief expert Mary Raymer to make
sure I was on point with the advice
the book was giving. Then I found
local illustrator Jenifer Thomas who
took my vision and created the
artwork. Our entire staff read the
draft, and they offered some great
tips in terms of layout and content.
So it really was a team effort.
“I was often asked if something
like this already existed, but I
couldn’t find a book that focused
sufficiently on the funeral and grief
aspects—something that properly
presented a very complex topic for
Continues on next page
young audiences. Plus, I wanted it to
refer to our specific funeral home.
“Initially, I thought the book
would just cover basic vocabulary
like what is a casket, what is
an urn, etc. Then I realized we
could use this as a platform to
promote funerals, advocate funeral
directors and facilitate grieving.
We wanted the message to be
that our funeral home is a good
place, not something to be afraid
of—a helpful resource, not a sad
place you have to go to because
someone died. What better way
to start this advocacy than with
children and their parents?
“One of the pages in the book
talks about how Reynolds Jonkhoff
Funeral Home is the place that
helps people and always will be
here to answer their questions.”
What production challenges
did you face?
“I wanted the book to appeal
to a wide age range­—to be
simple enough for young kids to
understand but not too babyish for
older children. That was probably
the biggest hurdle to overcome. But
my mother-in-law, Robbi Rogers,
who is a retired elementary school
teacher, really helped. She reviewed
the draft to make sure the reading
level was correct.
“The second challenge was
organizing the pages. I had so
many ideas that putting them into
an order that made sense was
difficult. But once I determined
the layout, everything else went
very smoothly.”
What are the greatest
benefits of this program?
“Because it’s so new, we’re still
seeing the benefits unfold. But I
think one of the biggest benefits so
far is with the parents. They often
don’t know where to start unless
their child asks questions. Then
they’re usually afraid to answer in
the wrong way. It’s very helpful for
them to receive the coloring book
during the arrangement conference.
It gives them something they can
take home to their children and help
start a conversation about death.
sharing and reminiscing about the
deceased is very important. It can
even help the adults, as kids often
diffuse tension and provide comic
relief with their innocent remarks.
If they are old enough, they can be
a pall bearer or at least an honorary
one. That’s something that really
sticks with them.
“Our coloring book often
inspires them to draw out their
feelings or create a page to put it
the casket or with the urn. Being
actively involved helps children
realize that something important
has happened, but it’s not scary.”
“One of the unexpected
benefits has been the therapeutic
value of coloring for adults. It
gets people to use their creativity,
helping their minds adjust during
a stressful time. I recently read an
article in USA Today about the rise
in popularity of adult coloring.
In fact, three of the top 10
best-selling books on Amazon are
adult coloring books. So we are
expanding our outreach to include
adults, particularly those with
special needs. And we are finding
that seniors and shut-ins respond
well to having our little bears.”
What kind of feedback
are you getting
about the program?
“Our staff loves giving the bears
and books to families. And the
community loves them as well. A
local guidance counselor thanked
us, saying this is something that is
really needed for children.
“When I was young, I remember
thinking that my Dad has the
coolest job in the world, because he
gets hugs from people wherever we
go. Now, with this book, I’ve been
getting a lot more hugs from
Concludes on page 5
How do you encourage
parents to include their
children in the service?
“Parents ask me all the time if I
think they should bring their kids,
and I always answer with a very
positive ‘Absolutely!’ But I also
suggest they ask the children if
they want to come. If they strongly
do not, then there is no benefit in
forcing them. But if they’re at least
open to it, I recommend that they
not only come but also participate.
“I get children involved in lots
of different ways. Being part of the
3
HELPING CHILDREN
Explaining Death to Children: Having the Right Answers,
Equipping Parents with Information and Resources
AnnYager McCrosky of Stith Funeral Home, Danville,
KY, and Scott Robinson of Ralph Robinson & Son,
Pine Bluff, AR, are 2014 graduates of the Selected
Leadership Academy. Their capstone presentation
offered proven techniques for explaining death to
children. Below are excerpts from their presentation.
McCrosky: “The future of our profession truly is
children. If we don’t teach the upcoming generations
that facts about death and deathcare, what’s going to
happen? We have talked repeatedly about what we can
do to better help our communities and our families.
Well, this is it. Children need our services, too. Fifty
years from now, the children of today will be the adults
making funeral decisions.”
Robinson: “We’ve all seen businesses fail because
they didn’t adapt to changing times. Today, more and
more people don’t see the value in funeral services.
If we don’t find a way to adapt—a way to reach the
children—then what happens to our profession?
“So we know we need to explain death to children.
The question is, how do we do it? We reached out to
Dr. Bill Hoy, and he sent us some research results. A
study on The Role of Ritual in Children’s Bereavement
[available at selectedfuneralhomes.org/bpx] looked at 318
children between the ages of 5 and 17 who recently had
lost a parent. It found that most of the children were
either holding in their emotions or acting out. And they
tended to have a harder time moving forward. The kids
were interviewed at 1, 6, 13 and 25 months after the
death. The study found that children who were actively
participating in what was going on—whether it be a
visitation, funeral service or burial—did a lot better.”
“We all see parents who try to protect their children
by not bringing them to the funeral home or allowing
them to be involved. But this study shows that, at least
starting at age five, this can be more of a detriment than
a help. Children like to touch things, to be a part of
something, and they like things that are personal.
“It is interesting that, in this research, nearly 90%
of the cases where children were doing better had
included visitations and services. The body had been
present, and they could identify what was going on.”
4
AnnYager McCrosky and Scott Robinson address the
2014 Leadership Academy Conference.
McCrosky: “Our goal is to give you some resources
to help you address the needs of children. If we, as
funeral directors, are the authorities, then we should
have all the answers. But there is no one that can stump
you like a five-year-old.
“So here is how I explain death to children. I first ask
them if they know why they came to the funeral home
today. When someone gets sick, they go to a doctor, right?
When a person dies, I take care of them; I’m a funeral
director. You know Grandpa was very sick, right? Well,
at the end, his heart stopped beating, his mouth stopped
breathing and his body became still. So I brought him here
to the funeral home in a really big car. It’s out in the garage,
and I’ll show it to you, if you want.
“It’s the rule of three with young kids. So I
constantly repeat what I’m saying, so they get it. I talk
about giving their loved one a bath, washing their hair
and getting them dressed up in their favorite clothes.”
We picked out a nice box called a casket. Lots of adults
are going to come and talk and see Grandpa in his casket.
You know why? We’re going to celebrate his life. People are
going to tell stories and remember the things Grandpa did.
They’ll also want to see you and how big you are now.
It might get a little boring for you after a while, because
adults talk a lot, don’t they? When you get bored, you let
me know. I’ll show you around my funeral home, so you
know where the bathroom is. I also have some coloring
books for you. If you need anything or if you have any
questions, let me know. All of my people here at the funeral
Continues at bottom of next page
Rogers, from page 3
kids, parents and grandparents.
They really appreciate it, and that
validates why I became a funeral
director—to help people and touch
their lives in a positive way.
“To promote the program, we’ve
had it featured in our newspaper
and a few local magazines. We
include the book, the bear and the
life-size mascot at special events,
holiday programs, seminars and
grief counseling groups. It’s also a
great way for us to get in the door
of new places—a way to get our
name out there and show people
who we are.
“We now are offering our
coloring book to other funeral
homes around the country, so they
can have their very own, customized
book for kids. It’s exciting to share
this with other funeral homes, and
I welcome the opportunity to talk
with anyone who is interested.”
What advice do you have
for your Selected colleagues
who’d like to start a
similar program?
“As Nike says, Just Do It! This
isn’t the type of thing that will
generate a ton of money for your
business, but it will generate the
kind of discussion that brings
in new business. When people
receive this book, they share it
with their friends, and they in turn
will share it with their friends.
Through this book, by showing
that you care about everyone from
the adults to the children, you will
gain advocates for your company. I
strongly encourage members to at
least put it on your to do list!
“This book is not meant to be
an advertisement, but it is meant to
teach the children and their parents
that our funeral home is the place
that helps people—that we’re here
for them. This program does that
and much more!” s
Learn more about this and the other great ideas presented during the
2015 Best Practices Competition at selectedfuneralhomes.org/2015-annual-meeting.
McCrosky and Robinson, from page 4
home have a gold tag like this one. If you can’t find me, find
one of them. Now we’re going to go see Grandpa.
“We have two sets of steps for children. By the way, the
steps designed to help dogs get up on a high bed work
great! They step up, and I place my hand on the person.”
Now, Grandpa is going to feel cold, if you touch him.
But he’s the same temperature as the room—as the wall over
here. He’s still Grandpa. He just doesn’t move anymore. His
heart stopped beating, his mouth stopped breathing.
“By this time, the kids are usually starting to repeat
it back to me. I open up the casket and show them
that the body is all there. Then I tell them that when
Mommy cries, it because she loves Grandpa very much,
and that love will never die. I explain that tears are just
a sign of love. If they want to help Mommy, then they
should go over and give her a big hug.
“Usually at this point, I’m starting to step back and
let the family gather together, and the kids know what’s
going on. I often have a family member come up to me
with tears in their eyes and say something like, ‘I have
never heard someone explain things like that before.
Thank you so much. I needed that, too! I didn’t know
how I was going to explain what was going on.’
“When there are children in the family, I explain
everything to them, every step of the way. Sometimes,
I’ll stop and ask, ‘Okay, you want to know what’s going
to happen next?’ Of course, the kids say, ‘Yes!’.
“When we get to the cemetery, if we’re having a
military service, I take them over and introduce them to
the honor guard. I explain about the rifle volley and point
out the guns that are going to be fired. I ask if they want
me to tell them when, so they can cover their ears.
“I take them to the grave. I explain the vault and the
lowering device, and I talk about how pretty the grave
is. I explain that dirt is like a big blanket to cover up the
casket and keep the body safe.
Concludes on page 7
5
HELPING CHILDREN
Special Ceremony During Private Family Viewing
Helps Both Children and Adults
R. Bradley Speaks is President
and CEO of Speaks Family Legacy
Chapels, Independence, MO, and
Ex Officio of Selected Independent
Funeral Homes. He spoke to The
Bulletin about his firm’s approach
to helping children understand
funerals.
What exactly does
your funeral home do
to help children?
“Realizing that many of the
young children we see at our
funeral home are having their first
real experience with death, we pay
special attention to their needs
and help them have as positive
experience as possible.
“For older children—teens and
pre-teens—we might ask them to
take charge of putting together a
playlist of music for the visitation or
for the service itself. It gives them a
hands-on, therapeutic activity they
can immerse themselves in. What’s
interesting is we find they usually
think it through and come up with
the right songs that really speak to
the heart.
“For the younger children, we
like to do our special ceremony for
them. We’ve purchased teddy bears
and have scores of them on hand
at all times. At the private family
viewing, the funeral director gathers
the children and usually sits down
on the floor in front of the casket to
talk with them. The conversation
typically goes like this: Did you see
the teddy bear that your Grandma
is holding in her arms? Your Mom
6
and Dad, your
aunts and uncles,
and the rest of
your family are
going to take
turns holding that
bear and telling
it a few things we Brad Speaks
hope you’ll always
remember about Grandma.
“The bear is handed to the family
member who will start. They are
asked to tell the bear a word, a
phrase or a story—whatever is in
their heart. Then they pass the bear
to the next person, each sharing
their own personal memories. At
the end, there generally is not a dry
eye in the place. The funeral director
then says to the kids: I have one
last thing I need you to help me with.
We need to put this bear back into
Grandma’s arms. Would you be able
to help me with that?
“I’ve never once seen a child that
did not want to do that. Instead,
they’re immediately on their feet
and ready to help. They go with the
funeral director and place the bear
in the arms of the deceased and
arrange it just the way they want. If
there is more than one child, which
there usually is, everybody takes a
moment to adjust a little bit to get it
perfectly situated. Then the funeral
director gives each child their own
matching bear that they can hold
and keep forever.
What results do you see
from this approach?
“Every time, it completely erases
the fear of approaching the casket
and the dead body. The key is
that the children have directly
participated and probably even
touched their loved one as they
helped move the bear. Meanwhile,
the adults also have benefits by
sharing their thoughts and feelings
in a private, secure environment.
This special ceremony is just as
much for the adults, but they do it
as if it was for the benefit of
the children.
“As a result, the children are
not afraid of the casket, the dead
body, the funeral home or the
funeral director. They’re probably
doing better than anyone else in
the group, by the time it’s over.
Something unexpected, that we’ve
seen over and over again, is the
kids come the next day for the
funeral clutching their teddy bears.
“We had a very traumatic case
where a father of two young boys
was killed in a car accident. He
had pretty severe injuries, and the
family originally wanted the casket
closed. But he actually looked
good enough that we talked with
the family about the importance of
viewing. We explained that the two
boys would likely have all kinds
of questions later, if they were not
allowed to see their father. Finally,
the family gave their permission.
And by the time the experience was
over, the grandfather came up to
me and said he would never be able
to thank us enough for this. ‘Look
at those two boys,’ he said. At this
point, they are interacting freely at
the front of the chapel, talking to
Continues at top of next page
Speaks, from page 6
relatives, going up occasionally to
see their dad. Once they put that
bear in their father’s arms, it was as
if they were different boys.
“The grandfather had been the
most hard line about trying to
protect them, but they decided to
keep the casket open for the good
of the boys. He said, ‘Those boys
are going to be okay now.’
How did you develop this?
“We got the basic idea from
Graystone Associates, but we’ve
added quite a bit to it. We were
looking for a way to help families
that would distinguish us from our
competitors. We felt there could be
more to the private family viewing
time, and we now do a special
ceremony at a lot of our private
viewings. This particular one is
specifically designed for children.
McCrosky and Robinson, from page 5
“It’s about having the answers and explaining every
step to a child. If we don’t give them the answers,
they’re going to invent something or pick up what
someone else has said, whether or not it’s correct.
Children hear and absorb everything. And they learn
their fears from adults. If we don’t give them the honest
facts, I worry about their future.
“There are a number of good resources. The coloring
book/storybook I use is the Jumpy Lumpy Grumpy
Frog by Grandma Dee Dee. The Sesame Street, When
Families Grieve kit also is excellent, but it can be
difficult to get. It has a DVD, a book for caregivers and
a book for children. Some of the materials, such as the
caregiver’s guide and caring cards can be downloaded
at sesamestreet.org/parents/topicsandactivities/
toolkits/tlc/griefresources.
“We also have a list of other books [See Resources
which pretty much is my children’s
library. Selected’s bereavement support page for
children and teens, selectedfuneralhomes.org/
children-teens, has helpful information and a number
of additional resources. I find that when we equip
parents and grandparents with useful information
and materials, they feel more empowered to help
their children.”
for Children at right.],
Robinson: “These resources are excellent, and
the dialogue AnnYager has shared is great. But even
if you don’t feel comfortable giving an explanation
like this, doing some simple things can really be
helpful to kids. At our funeral home, we’ve recently
started encouraging children to write a note or draw
a picture for their deceased loved one. If, for some
reason, they cannot come with their parents to the
visitation or funeral, they can at least have the benefit
of expressing their feeling on paper. It’s been amazing
But in all cases, the goal is to get
the people to share. We just use a
different prop, depending on the
circumstances. That’s the beauty of
it; it’s completely adjustable.
“It’s included in our main
packages, and most people take
us up on it. Once it is described
to them, there is not a parent or
grandparent who doesn’t want
their child to have this experience.”
Concludes on page 11
how many of those kids, who first just wrote a note,
later decide to come up to the casket. It’s like giving
them an invitation to participate.
“It’s amazing what a difference just taking a little
time and putting some thought toward the needs of
children can make. That will not only be better for our
families but better our funeral homes as well.” s
Resources for Children
When Families Grieve
Talk. Listen. Connect
by Sesame Workshop
The Jumpy Lumpy Grumpy Frog
Good-bye Book
by Grandma Dee Dee
CreateSpace Independent
Publishing Platform
Water Bugs and Dragonflies:
Explaining Death to Young Children:
A Coloring Book
by Doris Stickney
available from Selected Resources at
selectedfuneralhomes.org/
water-bugs-dragonflies
Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good-Grief
Guidebook for Kids Dealing with Loss
by Michaelene Mundy
Abbey Press
Kolie and the Funeral
by Ralph L. Klicker, Ph.D
available from Selected Resources at
selectedfuneralhomes.org/kolie
7
HELPING CHILDREN
Growing Research Consensus Supports
Child Participation in Funerals as Beneficial
Suggestions for Explaining Funerals to Children
Dr. William G. (Bill) Hoy, FT, is Clinical Professor
of Medical Humanities at Baylor University with
30 years of experience in grief and loss work. He is
the author of Do Funerals Matter? The Purpose and
Practice of Death Rituals in Global Perspective and
long-time Selected Preferred Partner. He recently
shared his thoughts about helping children with
death and funerals.
What is the current state of research
concerning children and funerals?
“A lot of research effort is being placed right now
on trying to better understand what complicates
grief for children. It’s a very important funding area
for the National Institutes for Health (NIH). The
vast majority of funding for all kinds of biomedical
research in the U.S. is through
NIH. They’re spending millions on
research primarily focused on the
complications and protective factors
for bereaved children.
“When it comes to funerals, there
are a number of things we already
Dr. Bill Hoy
know well about children. One is
the importance of having a high functioning guardian.
For example, if a surviving parent is functioning well
emotionally, not struggling with depression or an
anxiety disorder, it predicts a good outcome for the
children. The converse also is generally true. Significant
mental health conditions among parents tend to predict
poorer bereavement outcomes for children. And that’s
important when it comes to funerals.
“We don’t currently have a lot of studies—fifteen,
maybe, during the last twelve years—and many are
from northwestern Europe. But these show absolutely
no evidence that participating in funerals is harmful
or traumatic for children. And there is a growing
consensus—a growing amount of literature—that goes
further to say that participation in funerals is likely
protective and helpful.
“I offer this by way of background, because some
people may be inclined to think that one study proves
8
everything. What I teach my students is, research
points us in a direction. It leads us toward better
understanding. But it’s pretty hard to reach a definitive
conclusion, because there are so many variables.
“That being said, there are pretty good studies coming
out every year or so related to bereaved children. The
ones I am reading indicate that it is a helpful practice
for children to be involved in funerals. That means not
excluding the child from viewing the body, when it’s
culturally appropriate. Being involved with selecting
music or readings, is a wonderful way to involve children
of the right developmental stage. Acts like placing objects
in the casket seem to be helpful for children, especially
if the child thinks of it on their own or does something
active like drawing a picture or writing a note.”
Is excluding children one of the
biggest mistakes being made?
“Yes, I honestly think the biggest mistake being
made by parents related to funerals is with their
children. There are a lot of things that parents
inadvertently do. I always try to remind funeral
directors that parents are doing the best they know
how. Few have the depth of experience or modeling
from their own parents in this kind of thing.
“Certainly the desire is to protect the child from what
the parents perceive as a traumatic event. But I think
funeral directors may err by not being proactive about
this with parents. However, another problem arises if we
tell parents their children ought to be involved, but we
don’t give specific examples of how to do that.
“I suggest that fairly early in the arrangement
conference the funeral director inquires about children
in the family. Rather than ask if the children will be
involved, I suggest we assume their involvement and say
something like, We have some great ways for the children to
be involved in the funeral. I’d like to share some of those with
you, if you’re interested. Or you could just go on to say,
A lot of children help select photographs for the video montage
or draw pictures to go into the casket or pick flowers.
Continues on next page
Hoy, from page 8
“I once worked with a family that had
11 grandchildren. At grandma’s funeral, each
grandchild selected one or two flowers from her
garden. They arranged them in a vase that was placed
right in front of the casket. The children had a very
significant, active role, which helped them greatly.
“That’s what we’re trying to do—get kids involved
in the ritual action and symbolism of the funeral,
as I discuss in, Do Funerals Matter? Up until the last
30 or 40 years in the United States, it would have
been unheard of for children to not be included
in the funeral. So it’s a very recent, mainly North
American phenomenon. We don’t see it anywhere in
the developing world. I try to remind parents that we
do have history on our side, and that our children are
exposed to a lot more unrealistic death via television
and video games than we may realize.
“The death of a parent or a grandparent is,
unfortunately, a very real experience. The only antidote
I know for the misinformation generated when a game
character is respawned is the funeral—the only place
where death can be dealt with in real terms forthrightly.
So I think the need is greater today than ever for
children to be involved. And funeral directors need to
proactively provide parents with specific guidance: Let
me tell you about a few of the things I’ve seen work well.”
What is the best approach to take
when talking with children about death?
“The way I always have worked with younger
children—from about third grade and younger—is to
relate what they will experience using the five senses.
Here’s what you’ll see, touch, hear, smell and taste. For
touch, I often use a wax candle to prepare children for
the body. The outside of a candle always will feel cool
to the touch and a little waxy, just like a prepared body.
“For what they’ll hear, we talk about the music
that’s playing in the background or some of grandpa’s
favorite songs they got to help pick out.
“It’s wonderful when there are flowers. Children love
to walk up and smell them. I frequently play a game
with kids to see if they can pick what might have been
their loved one’s favorite flower. For taste, I talk about
the cookies and the punch or the meal afterward.
“The five senses approach is a great discussion topic
for a staff meeting. If we wanted to explain funerals to
children using the five senses, how would we do that?
Because I’m Also Part of the
Family: Children’s Participation in
Rituals After the Loss of a Parent
or Sibling—A Qualitative Study
from the Children’s Perspective
Gunn Helen Søfting, Atle Dyregrov
and Kari Dyregrov
Summary Review in GriefPerspectives
by Dr. William G. Hoy, FT
Qualitative studies such as the one reported in
Søfting, Dyregrov and Dyregrov’s 2015 paper reaffirm
conventional wisdom, that children report a high
level of satisfaction from having attended and
participated in funerals. Much can be learned from
the depth of personal interviews in this study.
These types of studies generally are small. This
one included 11 Norwegian children between the
ages of eight and 12. Six had experienced the death
of a parent while five experienced the death of a
sibling. All attended the wake or viewing, ten attended
a funeral service with the body present and one
attended a memorial service with an urn present.
The researchers noted one particularly interesting
theme—the children recalled fondly the unexpectedly
large number of people attending the funeral and
especially who was present. Children were pleased
that their friends and teachers were in attendance at
parent funerals.
Even though some of the children were initially
resistant to participating in the rituals, all were
grateful they had done so and recommended other
bereaved children should, too. The children reported
that although participation in the rituals was both
sad and stressful, it was important to be included.
Children reported that attending the wake and
seeing the body also was helpful. The two children
whose parents had died in an accident were
especially grateful to see the body, expressing relief
that their parent’s body was not damaged as they
had feared.
The researchers noted that the children’s voices
echoed the advice of professionals about children
and funerals, “that is, the importance of taking
farewell, making the death real and thus helping
children in the grieving process. The children also
pinpoint the importance of being included as a
family member in grief. Being included legitimizes
their status as a ‘full’ member of the family system
with an equal status to adult grievers in an important
and vulnerable phase of the family’s life.” s
The full study is available in the Selected Best
Practices Exchange at selectedfuneralhomes.org/bpx.
Concludes on page 11
9
HELPING CHILDREN
Butler Funeral Homes Uses the STAR Class to Explain
Funerals to Children and Help Them Express Their Feelings
Butler Funeral Homes & Cremation
Tribute Center in Springfield, IL, is
making effective use of the
STAR ClassTM (Special Time to
Always Remember) in helping
children understand funerals and
prepare them for the experience
of a death in the family. The Star
Class, thestarclass.com, was created
by registered nurse and perinatal
educator Karen Nilsen, wife of a
third-generation funeral director.
the STAR classes for children. Its
purpose is to provide a sensitive,
caring approach to explaining the
funeral/cremation process through
stories, pictures, discussion, peer
support and a craft activity. Children
also are encouraged to write a STAR
message to their loved one who has
died, giving them a sense of power
over this new experience and to
help lessen their fears about what
the funeral is all about.
“We believe it’s part of our
obligation to help families help their
children understand some of the
events that take place during the
visitation, funeral and cremation
processes,” said Chris Butler,
CFSP, President of the firm. “We
are meeting this need by providing
“Years from now, a child may not
remember specific details about the
funeral they attended, but they will
remember that it was a meaningful,
non-threatening, loving experience
and that they were actively involved
in the final good-bye.”
Judy Woerner is a Certified
TEAChing kidS To hAvE
a good mourning.
Explaining death to a child who is experiencing loss for the first
time can be difficult, especially when you’re struggling with your
own grief. But, we know the best time to help a child is at the
time of loss. We prepare children with The STAR Class –
Special Time to Always Remember™ Program. This free service
provides support to children of all ages with a sensitive approach
that includes stories, pictures, discussion and an art activity.
The days surrounding a death of a loved one can be confusing
and scary for children, but it doesn’t have to be. We can help.
if they’re old enough to love,
they’re old enough to grieve.
hELPing YoU
SAY good-BYE
with dignity & respect .
KIRLIN-EGAN & BUTLER FUNERAL HOME • BUTLER CREMATION TRIBUTE CENTER
MCCULLOUGH-DELANEY & BUTLER FUNERAL HOME
ROSELAWN MEMORIAL PARK
Springfield | New Berlin | 217-544-4646 | www.butlerfuneralhomes.com
10
Celebrant at Butler’s
and facilitator for
its STAR classes.
“We firmly believe
that any child old
enough to love is old
enough to grieve. So
this program goes
right along with that
philosophy,” said Judy.
“Kids who come
in very quiet usually
open up once we get
them talking about
favorite things they
did with their loved
one. Often, they are
not talking about the
deceased at home,
because they don’t
want to upset their
family. Giving them
permission to talk is
very helpful.
Chris Butler
Judy Woerner
“Once we start working on the
craft project, they seem to open
up a bit more. For some kids, it’s
better for their hands and minds
to be busy—taking the focus off
of just sitting there and talking to
me. Then the conversation starts
to flow.
“I want each child to realize that,
although the physical presence
of their loved one will be missing
from their lives, everything they
experienced with that person—all
those special moments—are theirs
alone and can never be taken from
them. We focus a lot on memories
being their’s to keep.
“We talk about what the deceased
is going to look and feel like. And
we also discuss emotions—that they
may see people both cry and laugh,
and that’s okay. Children seem
to understand crying, but it can
sometimes be unsettling for them
to see someone who appears to be
having a good time. So we explain
that they’re probably just recalling a
good memory of their loved one.
“When presenting the STAR
class to a family, we’ve asked
our funeral directors and
ceremony specialists to express
an understanding that the time
surrounding a death is very busy;
Concludes on page 14
Hoy, from page 9
If I were a funeral director, I’d probably ask the
parents if it’s okay to take the kids out to the portico
or garage and show them the hearse. Let them sit in a
limousine; let them get up close and personal with the
equipment. That helps reduce the anxiety.
“For children, just as adults, we fear what we don’t
understand. Once we know about it, we can label
the fear and begin to work through the feelings. This
definitely is what we need to do for children. And it’s
good just to let children think and talk about what
death is. There are wonderful books like Lifetimes:
The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by
Bryan Mellonie that discuss the fact that all living
things die as a part of the life cycle.
“There are plenty of opportunities to help older
children better understand and become more comfortable
with funerals, funeral directors and the funeral home—
particularly in a school or church setting. If I were a
funeral director, I’d jump at the chance to be part of
career days at schools. A funeral director could even come
in to help on the day human anatomy is taught in class.
“Some teachers will be open enough to bring their
class on a field trip to the funeral home. Iles Funeral
Homes in Des Moines, IA, does a lot of work with
Boy Scout and Girl Scout troops. Brenda Atkinson
at Thomas McAfee Funeral Home, Greenville, SC,
regularly brings teenage youth groups through the
funeral home. They are very curious. A lot of my
students even want to visit a funeral home. They’re not
children, but they want to go.
Speaks, from page 7
Does your team receive
special training for this?
“Yes, we do the training
ourselves in-house. Some funeral
directors are more comfortable
with it than others. If we have a
particularly traumatic case, it’s
not uncommon for the arranging
funeral director to ask one who is
very good at it to handle the special
ceremony for them. It’s a judgment
call by each funeral director, and
they each do it in their own way.
“Helping children feel
comfortable with the funeral home
“Anything we do to erase the mystique around
funerals serves the profession and humanity well today
and in the long term. No culture has been helped by
doing away with ritual. So if we help our children
embrace the role of ceremony, then we are helping our
culture long term.
“Adults worldwide have a soft spot for what’s going
to help their children. In most things, they want to
know what the experts think. And funeral directors are
the experts in this area. They know more about death
and early bereavement than virtually anyone in any
profession in their community—more than physicians,
certainly more than clergy. Hospice social workers,
chaplains and bereavement coordinators know a lot
about death; but they probably haven’t experienced
the big crowds of grieving people that most funeral
directors regularly see—especially after the death of a
young person.
“So I would call on funeral directors not to
apologize for their expertise, but rather express
something like this, I realize you, as a family, will decide
what you want in the service. But I hope you at least
consider the fact that I’ve been doing this for 25 years
and that none of the things we’re talking about doing for
the children add one dime to a funeral bill. There is no
vested interest here except to help your family make this a
meaningful event for the entire family.
“I think when funeral directors do this, they will help
themselves and their families in the long term.” s
and the funeral is one of our core
purposes as an organization. Our
vision for the future is that we’ve
helped them acknowledge and cope
with the death of their loved one in
a positive and healthy way. There
is no more important work we
could be doing. It helps erase a lot
of the dysfunction that surrounds
death. Dr. Bill Hoy has said that
unresolved grief issues are a major
cause of dysfunction in life.”
Do you find that families are
starting to understand this?
“No, it continues to be a
challenge for sure. People don’t
know what they don’t know. But
it’s an opportunity for us to step
up with courage and help them
as much as we’re able. Part of
the secret to this is being able to
properly explain things, so people
see the value. If you just ask, Would
you like to have a special ceremony at
your family’s viewing time?, people
will say they don’t need it. But
when you can paint the picture
of the benefit to them and their
children, very few decline.
“Meanwhile, none of our
competitors seem to understand
what we’re doing, so it’s definitely a
competitive advantage.” s
11
HELPING CHILDREN
Empowering Proper Parental Approach to Death:
Key to Healthy Grieving and Childhood Development
Andy McNiel, is CEO of the National Alliance
for Grieving Children which provides a network
for professionals and volunteers to share ideas,
information and resources to better support the
grieving children and families they serve in their
communities. Andy recently shared his perspective
with The Bulletin.
What is the current state of
research concerning children
and funerals?
“Through working with families,
there are a number of things we know
to be helpful and effective for children.
However, there are a lot of gaps in the Andy McNiel
research. So our goal is to take the
next step and do research in these different areas. We’re
working on fundraising and creating new partnerships
for further research.
Current research does overwhelmingly support
that children do better in the bereavement process
when they feel a connection and engagement with their
surviving parent, caregivers or family. And that starts at
the beginning with how the conversation about death
was approached with the child. Was there honesty,
or was the truth shaded because of fear? The fact is,
children quite often will find out the truth anyway, and
then that breeds distrust.
“Building a relationship of trust with a child is vitally
important. And when it comes to the funeral, are we
preparing them for it? Is there any communication
beforehand about what they can expect to see and feel
at the funeral?”
How can we encourage parents to have
this type of communication?
“I think it starts at the very beginning. Quite often,
families will show up to prepare for a funeral, and they
haven’t even told the children what’s going on, because
they don’t know how to tell. Any written information,
verbal instruction and encouragement we can give to
these families is very important and sets a precedent. 12
“Shading of the truth, secret conversations behind
the children’s backs, avoiding the words dead and die—
these are traps that parents can fall into, particularly if
it’s a very difficult death like a suicide or homicide.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worked with
families who think the child doesn’t know, but in as
little as five minutes talking with the child, they tell me!
Here a young person has been dealing with difficult
information all alone, as opposed to dealing with it
alongside a trusted adult. Sometimes children make up
their own stories that often are worse than the truth.
So it is imperative we get good information into the
family’s hand upfront, so they can help their children.
“One of the projects we have just completed is
our children’s activity book and caregiver guide. Our
goal is to get corporate sponsorship of the printing,
so we can donate copies for funeral homes to give to
their families. The 85-page guide answers questions
like, How do I talk to my child about death? and How
do I prepare my child for the funeral? This will be great
information for funeral directors to hand out.”
What is your advice for getting families to
include their children in the funeral service.
“I will tell parents that I understand their
reservation—that it’s well-meaning. None of us want our
kids to have to think about these kinds of things. But
the reality is, they have to.
“If you ask most parents, Would you rather your child
deal with this all alone or with the support of you and your
family?, Most parents are immediately going to say,
With me, of course! Parents’ reluctance may have more
to do with their own perceived inability to broach the
subject than the notion that their child doesn’t need
to know right now. So this goes back to informing and
empowering parents at the outset.
“Another mistake I see being made is avoiding the
truth about how someone died. That is a huge error.
I also think its very wrong to make the standard
assumption that kids are resilient. I hear this all the
time from people as their excuse to do nothing.
“A parent once shared with me, I told my kid his
dad died, and he went out and played in the backyard
the rest of the day. He seems fine. This shows lack a
of understanding about how children grieve. Kids
aren’t adults, and they don’t always grieve like adults.
Children tend to come in and out of grief, because they
can only focus on it so long before they have to move to
something else. They don’t have the emotional energy
to linger on it.
“So, on the outside, the child may appear to be
doing okay when, in reality, they are fighting off crying.
Come the end of their day and they lay their head on
their pillow, their grief starts to impact them. We’ll see
things like kids having trouble getting to sleep, having
nightmares, waking up in the middle of the night, not
being able to concentrate in school.”
What other misconceptions or mistakes
do you see being made?
“Another mistake with kids is assuming there’s a
time period for grief—the notion that at some point, my
child should be fine and not be grieving anymore, and
an effort is made to get the child to stop talking about
the person who died, because that’s going to make
things worse. But in reality, research points to a concept
called ‘continuing bonds,’ which is that a child does not
stop loving a person just because they die. Or if they
had a contentious relationship, they don’t stop feeling
those emotions when the person dies.
“A child really grieves in a developmental way, so
a six-year-old who lost a parent will revisit their grief
at moments throughout their life—when they get their
driver’s license, graduate from high school or get
married. Often, the grief changes in intensity, but when
you talk to an adult who lost a parent as a child, most
of them will tell you the grief is still with them and
sometimes feel very fresh.
“The goal of supporting a child in grief is not to get
them to stop grieving. It’s to help them learn ways to
cope with their grief, because that helps them prepare
for the rest of their lives.
“The other thing we’re trying to do with kids is
encouraging them to have those continuing bonds.
If it was a good relationship with the person who
died, we urge them to share stories, celebrate the
person’s birthday and keep pictures of the person
to remember them. If we remove the pictures and
discourage memories, then we are just forcing children
to remember alone.”
What is the mission of the Alliance?
“It’s two-fold: to provide resources, education and
supervised support to bereaved children; and also
to raise awareness of issues related to childhood
bereavement. Our vision is that every bereaved
child has access to good information and support
everywhere in their lives—in the home, at school and
where they play.
“Our members come from many professions:
mental health counselors, social workers,
psychologists, educators, researchers, funeral
directors, chaplains, pediatricians, leaders of Boys &
Girls Club of America and Native American Youth, as
well as community volunteers.
“Our 2016 Symposium of Children’s Grief will be
held June 23-25 in Indianapolis. It will be our 20th
symposium, and its primary purpose will be to serve
as a place where people concerned with childhood
grief can gather face-to-face, share their thoughts and
questions, and strengthen their connections to each
other. It’s also a way to help re-energize these folks. The
work can be draining, and we want to make sure the
caregivers are being taken care of themselves.
“On top of that, we offer ongoing education through
monthly webinars, webchats and live webcasts. There
also are resources on our website, childrengrieve.org.
We’ve recently created a compilation of our research
during the last year and a half that we’re providing free
to the field. There’s a 62-page, annotated bibliography
that has links to all the research.”
How can Selected members
learn more about the Alliance?
“The easiest and most direct way is to visit our
website, childrengrieve.org, where they can access a
number of things, including my email address, if they
want to contact me directly.
“During the last several years, I’ve had a great
connection with the funeral service profession, and I
want funeral directors to know how much I appreciate
the work they do in the lives of families. I know that,
just like the work we do here, it’s often not recognized,
and people don’t fully understand what it means to sit
with a family just hours after death. They’re numb, not
sure what to do and looking for someone to help them
through it. So I would like to say on behalf of bereaved
families, thank you to the funeral directors for all that
you do for families and communities!” s
13
HELPING CHILDREN
Personal Experience Helped Director Develop Her Approach
By Teresa B. Morris
McLean Funeral Directors, Lancaster, SC
My son died three years ago at age 25. Our family has
many small children, and one of the things I did at the
visitation was to place a step stool in front of the casket,
so they could see my son—their uncle and cousin. They
all crowded around and touched and kissed him while
I answered their questions: Why doesn’t he move? Why
he is he cold? Why can’t he speak? It helped that I had
taught preschool before becoming a funeral director.
It was a beautiful experience that gave my other
grown children and their spouses, my nieces and
nephews the courage to touch, kiss and say good-bye in
a physical way they may not have done, if the children
hadn’t been so curious.
I now keep the step stool in the funeral home and have
used it many time since my son’s death. I always watch
the children. If they start to move toward the casket alone,
I quietly walk up, tell them my name and ask theirs. I
pull the stool out of the corner and ask how the person is
special to them, and I answer their questions.
Butler STAR Class, from page 10
there is a lot to do. Sometimes
children have questions or
concerns but don’t always share
them with their parents, because
they realize their parents are so
busy. We offer this class to give
children an honest explanation
of what to expect. We take them
through what they’re going to
experience and give them an
opportunity to ask their questions.
“Not addressing this issue
with parents or not discussing
information and options for
educating children about the
experience is a lost opportunity,”
Chris added. “Loss will be part
of everyone’s life, and if we guide
families and children toward a
14
I always encourage parents to
bring their children, and I explain
that kids learn very young how to
either except death or how to be
afraid of it. Very rarely do parents
decline, and those who bring their
children end up being so glad they
allowed the young ones to participate.
Teresa Morris
Smetimes I see children being ignored or treated
like a nuisance. This is terrible, but it gives the
caring funeral director, as well as the entire staff, an
opportunity to reach out to an important part of the
family. I am not fond of children running around the
funeral home, and this rarely happens when you care
for them with attention and creativity.
For me, the important thing is taking the fear out of
death for children—creating opportunities to say
good-bye that may be denied by well-meaning adults.
Sometimes, all it requires is a gentle invitation to be
present in their grief. s
healthier grief experience, we can
help them immeasurably in a way
that can last a lifetime.”
“We’re upfront with children,”
Judy said. “We talk about the
appearance of the body and what
it’s going to feel like, so there are
absolutely no surprises. We avoid
using euphemisms with children like
Grandma’s just sleeping or anything
that isn’t the reality of the situation.
“We ask parents to bring their
children to the class a half hour
before the private, family viewing.
This gives parents a chance to hear
the information, if they want to sit in.
I honestly think some parents get as
much out of the class as the children.
“I think it’s important to be
flexible,” Judy concluded. “There is
a script with the information that
should be addressed, but I tend to
let the kids lead the way, depending
upon whether they’re yearning
for more information or not quite
ready to share. It’s also good to
remember that the children don’t
know what you’re supposed to say,
so there is no need to get nervous.
If all you do is talk about favorite
memories and work on the craft
project, you’ve accomplish a lot.” s
EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES
Start 2016 in St. Croix
with the NextGen Seminar
On January 24-28, the best and brightest funeral
professionals will convene in St. Croix at the
Renaissance St. Croix Carambola Beach Resort &
Spa for the 2016 NextGen Seminar. Book your hotel
reservation today for the best rates and availability by
calling the hotel directly at 340-778-3800, and ask for
Tiffany Camacho. Be sure
to indicate you are with
Selected Independent Funeral
Homes NextGen Seminar to
receive our negotiated rate. Life is about balance, and this year’s NextGen
Seminar delivers the perfect blend of professional
development and personal relaxation. You’ll experience
award winning speaker Jodi Walker and hear her
inspirational and applicable presentation, Connect,
Collaborate and Create Differentiation.
In addition, Glenda Stansbury of In-Sight Books
and Selected member Chris Butler of Butler Funeral
Homes & Cremation Tribute Center will share insight
into what funeral celebrants do. During the perennial
favorite Best Practices Exchange session, participants
may share or simply listen and learn from peers.
Visit selectedfuneralhomes.org/nextgen
for full details. s
Unlock Your Full Potential:
Join the Selected
Leadership Academy
Everyone wins when a leader gets better! The Selected
Leadership Academy offers a focused curriculum
designed to engage and energize anyone wanting to
build their leadership skills. Overseen by Academy
Dean Marguerite Ham, the Academy utilizes
face-to-face meetings, conference calls and online
exchanges to help class members share and bond
during their two-year term.
“Great leaders who have sustained organizational
success are lifelong learners,” said Ham. “They want to
continually grow, develop and challenge themselves
to higher levels. That is the purpose of the Selected
Upcoming Educational Opportunities
Visit selectedfuneralhomes.org/events-calendar
for the latest listings.
Jan. 24-28 - NextGen Seminar, St. Croix
Feb. 12 - Group 6 Roundtable, Goodyear, AZ
Feb. 16 - Group 5 Roundtable, Alexandria, LA
Mar. 19-20 - European Spring Mtg., Brighton, England
Mar. 29 - Group 3 Roundtable, Charleston, SC
Apr. 14 - Group 3 Roundtable, Waynesville, NC
Apr. 27-29 - Spring Mgmnt. Summit, Houston, TX
May 5 - Group 3 Roundtable, Fort Pierce, FL
May 12-15 - Pacific Group Meeting
Albury, New South Wales, Australia
May 17 - Group 2 Roundtable, Carlisle, PA
May 18 - Group 4 Roundtable, De Pere, WI
Jun. 10 - Group 6 Roundtable, Colorado Springs, CO
Jun. 15 - Group 1 Roundtable, Putnam, CT
Jun. 15 - Group 3 Roundtable, Roanoke, VA
Jun. 15 - Group 5 Roundtable, Corpus Christi, TX
Jun. 22 - Group 4 Roundtable, Des Moines, IA
Jul. 2-5 - 60th European Conf., Cheltenham, England
Jul. 19-20 - Women’s Roundtable, St. Charles, MO
Sep. 14-17 - 98th Annual Meeting, Orlando, FL
Leadership Academy—to grow, develop and challenge
you as a leader.”
Enrollment period for the 2016 Academy class
officially will open January 1, 2016. Class size will
not exceed 15 members, in order to foster a trusting
and co-creative relationship between class members
and the Academy Dean. As such, applications should be
submitted as soon as possible since spots will be filled
on a first-come, first-served basis.
Full details about the Academy and how to enroll
were mailed in early December and also can be found
at selectedfuneralhomes.org/academy. For more
information and answers to questions, contact
Director of Meetings and Education Amy Hunt at
800-323-4219 or [email protected]. s
15
Needs Assessment Shows Members Value Selected,
Want Additional Support
In the Spring of 2015, Selected
conducted a needs assessment of
its members through marketing
and research firm Avenue M. The
goal was to explore the interests
and challenges of members
related to Selected’s education,
information and networking; in an
effort to better align benefits with
real needs.
“Selected members always have
been open with their feedback,” said
Executive Director and CEO
Rob Paterkiewicz. “We retained
professional services from an
independent firm for this particular
assessment to ensure responses
from our active and engaged
members, as well as those we haven’t
heard from or seen in a while. This
feedback will be essential as we plan
for our second century.”
A total of 120 surveys were
completed for an overall response
rate of 28%. Members received
copies of the final report in
September prior to the 2015
Annual Meeting. The large majority
of members (more than 85%)
felt that Selected is a trusted and
reliable source for information
and programs, and is vital to
professional networking.
More than 90 percent of
respondents were satisfied with
and use a wide range of benefits
provided by Selected. The vast
majority have read a Selected
publication, attended a meeting
or event, or accessed the website
during the past two years. But
member-to-member information
exchange is the most valued of
Selected benefits, with the highest
activity occurring in the online
Discussion Forum and Best
16
Top Rated Member Benefits
SatisfactionUsage
5 = HIGHEST
Online Discussion Forum
4.47
96%
Group Roundtable Meetings
4.40
94%
Annual Meeting
4.39
94%
The Bulletin
4.3999%
Best Practices Exchange
4.30
88%
Selected’s Website
4.18
98%
Practices Exchange, in-person
at meetings such as Group
Roundtables and Annual Meetings,
and through The Bulletin.
The large majority (83%) of
respondents agreed that Selected
offers an inclusive environment for
funeral directors. They describe
Selected as credible, trustworthy
and informative, but they also
want the organization to work
toward being more innovative.
Despite the generally high
satisfaction of members, the
analysis confirmed some gaps in
Selected’s benefits.
More marketing support
and staff training needed.
Members indicated the desire
for comprehensive staff training
programs, marketing promotion
and business growth strategies.
They also want help educating the
public about the value of funerals
and the importance of choosing a
Selected firm.
Concludes on next page
Key Recommendations
from research by Avenue M
1.Continue to stress networking of members and the
exchange of information and ideas.
2.Increase member opportunities for online-based
information exchange and networking.
3.Help members navigate the changing consumer
environment to achieve their business goals.
4.Grow Selected membership by reaching out to diverse
prospects and enhancing benefits for these groups.
5.Improve online communications and engagement
with members.
Member Needs Assessment,
from page 16
The Board of Directors and
Headquarters staff is diligently
seeking effective ways of meeting
the needs.
Throughout the study, members
mentioned their never-ending
search for qualified employees
and training programs for them.
Another goal is to keep the funeral
home in the family. Nearly half of
members noted succession as an
important business objective.
Better website search
functionality. Although more
than three-quarters of respondents
believe Selected’s website meets
their expectations in terms of
content quality and ease of use,
search functionality falls short of
the expectations of some members.
Email summaries from
Headquarters. More than half
of respondents want Selected to
consolidate its email outreach into
weekly summaries. This was one
of the first needs addressed, with
the creation of The Link weekly
email that consolidates much of
Selected’s outreach.
The research conducted by
Avenue M generated several
strategic issues connected to
Selected’s membership value and
the future of the organization.
“Feedback from this assessment
is so helpful as it allows us to
respond and to take action based
on what is wanted and needed,”
said Assistant Executive Director
Denise Zoephel. “Understanding
our members and helping them
find solutions is our shared goal.
The survey results bring us focus
and helps build momentum for all
of our efforts.”
Additional copies of the final
report are available to members.
Please contact Rob or Denise at
800-323-4219 or by email at
[email protected] or
[email protected]. s
17
Acquisitions are hard. The financing shouldn’t be.
Live Oak Bank offers financing to funeral businesses for acquisitions, expansions, successions,
remodels and refinancing. Call our funeral home lending specialists at 877.890.5867
liveoakbank.com/funeral
18
©2015 Live Oak Banking Company. All rights reserved. Member FDIC
MEMBER BENEFITS
Selected Transfer Services Offers
Peace of Mind Through a Powerful Network
When our members speak their concerns, we listen.
We hear you when you tell us that rising cremation
rates and competition from third-party crematories is
creating revenue concerns. We hear you when you tell
us that public perception about the importance of the
funeral means you have to come up with new ways to
engage the community, replace revenue and reinforce
your reputation for caring service that adapts to diverse
needs. We hear you when you tell us that it can be
difficult to find firms outside of Selected that you can
trust when you need a hand.
More than 200 member Selected firms, through the
Selected Transfer Services program, have made excellence
in transfer part of their strategy to thrive in the new era of
funeral service. There is no cost to join this program.
When you need help to transfer a family’s loved
one from the place of death to the final resting place,
Selected Transfer Services lets you find other Selected
firms who offer efficient, quality service in transfer,
embalming and cremation. You can trust that you are
working with a firm who shares your commitment to
top-notch service and professional practice. We ask
that in exchange for that elevated level of trust and
professionalism, firms offer each other a
discounted rate of at least 10% off standard prices
for transfer-related services.
When you visit selectedfuneralhomes.org/transfer
you can search the Agent Locator for Selected Transfer
Services firms around the world who you can trust
to offer top-quality service in transfer. There is
also a wide range of support materials available at
selectedfuneralhomes.org/sts to help you properly
document each step of the transfer process, teach your
staff how to use the program, and even add the Agent
Locator to your phone’s home screen.
You are a Selected member because you are passionate
about treating your families and your team the right way.
Join your fellow members in creating a network of the
most trustworthy firms in funeral service to transfer the
family’s loved one with dignity and pride.
If you are ready to join or have any questions about
the program, please contact Dan Beavers, Member
Programs Coordinator, at 800-323-4219 or danb@
selectedfuneralhomes.org for more information. s
Welcome Newest
Selected Transfer Services Agents
Since October 1, 2015
Bradley & Son Funeral Homes, Chatham, NJ
Denning’s, Strathroy, ON
Rice Mortuary, Torrance, CA
Successful Transfer Stories
“Over the years, we’ve seen a lot of situations where the preparation of a body coming
from out of town was not very good. But with STS agents, we can be assured of a higher
level of professional skill and integrity. It’s another benefit of being a member of Selected,
and the word that first comes to my mind is ‘trust.’ ” – Shannon Etzweiler,
Etzweiler Family Funeral Home, York, PA
“I wanted the team at Howe-Peterson to know that we appreciated all that your firm did for
us as well as the family. Because of your caring compassion, we were able to give the family
a great experience.” – Robert Nunnaley, Fry and Prickett Funeral Home, Carthage, NC
“Wow, I was stunned! What a wonderful gift to the Schoedingers. Our family will never
forget the kind gestures from our fellow colleagues around the country. What a wonderful
association we all belong to, and how comforting it was to be served so professionally
when we were the customers!” – Michael Schoedinger, Schoedinger & Company,
Columbus, OH
19
MEMBER BENEFITS
There’s No Question About It, Family Feedback Matters!
Enrollment is open for Selected’s
Family Follow-Up Survey Program.
What does this mean? It means
now is the time to take advantage
of this no-cost Selected member
benefit that allows you to hear what
your families think about your
firm, your people and the services
you provide. We provide 100 free
surveys that can serve as your
feedback program or to supplement
another program you may be using.
assistance. No matter the size
of your firm, this program is
designed to help you better serve
your families. All members, please
complete and return the Response
Form by January 7th. If you have
questions, please contact Donna
Anderson or call 800-323-4219. s
The Options order form allows
you to purchase additional surveys,
create custom questions, add
locations and receive distribution
MARKETING MOMENTUM
In this and future issues of
The Bulletin, we plan to offer tips
and best practices for effective
funeral home marketing. This time,
we direct your attention to one of
the many helpful guides available
on Selected’s website.
Public relations and marketing
communications professional
Lisa Gunggoll of LG-PR, lg-pr.
com, discussed Working With
Today’s Media at the 2012 Annual
Meeting. The 53-page PR toolkit
provided during her presentation
is available to members at
selectedfuneralhomes.org/pr-toolkit.
Social Media as Part of a
Firm’s Marketing Program. One
section of the toolkit addresses
the effective use of social media
and offers best practices for getting
started, shown at right. s
20
Social Media Best Practices
1. Pick the right social networks. Don’t just jump on the latest bandwagon,
Only engage in those platforms that make sense to your business model
and target audience.
2. Find someone with experience to help you. Make sure you get the
strategy right, then spread it among staff to maintain.
3. Network and extend your reach. You’d be surprised how many people
you know. This will grow your social media circles.
4. Prepare to lose control. Social media can be unpredictable. Understand
this and have a plan to address any negative comments.
5. Carefully select your page and profile names. Don’t be surprised if your
first choice already is taken!
6. Make a good first impression. The worst thing you can do is to start a
page or profile and then abandon it.
7. Post your edgiest, most viral content. Remember, you want people
to engage!
8. Find out which of your supporters already are on social networks. Go to
where your target audience is, and they will be more likely to follow!
9. Be aware of what your competitors are doing online.
10.Have a social media policy, and get it reviewed by legal counsel.
11.Turn your staff and biggest supporters into ambassadors by being early
adopters and the first to comment, like and follow your posts.
12.Monitor, engage, monitor, engage, repeat! This is an ongoing process,
so plan accordingly.
LEGAL PERSPECTIVE
FTC Staff Opinion Continues to Push
Timely Disclosure of Price Lists
By Sarah Pojanowski
Selected’s General Counsel
The Federal Trade Commission
(FTC) issued a Staff Opinion
reiterating that casket price lists
must be handed to consumers
before they are shown into a casket
display room. FTC Staff notes that
it makes “no difference” that the
consumer has not met with a funeral
director yet. The Funeral Rule does
not only apply to funeral directors;
to the contrary, it is a broadly
applicable regulation covering
“funeral providers,” meaning the
funeral home and all its staff.
To ensure you remain in
compliance with the Funeral Rule,
ensure that your staff – and that
means anyone who might greet a
customer, such as your receptionists
or other greeters—are trained to
hand consumers a casket price list
before showing them into the casket
display area. The Staff Opinion is
clear: “Cost disclosures must be
made ‘before showing the caskets.’ ”
The FTC also has made clear
that it will continue to enforce this
position in its Funeral Rule sweeps.
[See recent article at selectedfuneralhomes.
org/bulletin-984-ftc.] s
Potential New Overtime Rules Affecting
Funeral Service Under Consideration
Compliance Tips
•Have reception staff trained to
hand out your GPL/CPL/OBCPL
as part of their “welcome to
your firm” script and packet.
The script should sound natural
and be something your team
can work with to make sure
the packet goes out 100% of
the time.
•Retrain often—at least quarterly.
•Revise your price lists at least
annually; prices and offerings
should be current.
•Keep price lists near the front
in a professional packet, don’t
bury it under a plethora of
other handouts.
•Have extra copies in strategic
places around the firm. In your
casket display room, by the
door on the wall, at reception,
etc. A nice display holder can
present them beautifully.
Last spring, the Department of Labor (DOL) began
new rulemaking that proposes raising the minimum
pay for salaried employees eligible to be exempt
from overtime pay requirements to $50,440 from the
current rate of $23,660.
professions.
•When in doubt, hand it out!
More than
250,000
comments were filed with the DOL during the
comment period.
This rule, if it comes into effect (a strong if), could
impact not only funeral service but also a wide range of
other small businesses across the country. The changes
could force professionals such as funeral directors, who
are not treated and paid on a salary basis, to transition
compensation systems to an hourly basis for at least entry
level directors, regardless of their status as “professionals.”
House Committee on House Small Business
Subcommittee on Oversight, Investigations and
Regulations held a hearing on the issue in October.
“This rule does not recognize the geographic diversity
of the American economy,” said Subcommittee
Chairman Cresent Hardy (R-NV). “It will
particularly hurt rural small businesses that are
still recovering from the Great Recession.” [See more
Under the traditional DOL tests, an employee is
considered exempt if he or she performs “work requiring
knowledge of an advance type in a field of science or
learning customarily acquired by a prolonged course
of specialized intellectual instruction and study” and
“must consistently exercise discretion and independent
judgment in the performance of job duties.”
This rule has caught the eye of small business
advocates from a wide range of affected industries and
at http://smallbusiness.house.gov/news/documentsingle.
aspx?DocumentID=398514#sthash.b2wO9WoH.dpuf.]
Experts suggest that a final rule will not be issued
before late 2016, based on prior review time lines.
Given widespread opposition to these changes, we
can hope that the DOL will reconsider this ill-advised
revision and continue to treat funeral directors like the
professionals they are. s
21
SELECTED EDUCATIONAL TRUST
The Gift That Keeps On Giving
By Buz Buzogany
Educational Trust Director
[email protected]
As the Trust closes out 2015 and moves into the
challenges of a new year, there is a gift that you should
consider that keeps on giving­­­—to your peers, to your
association, to Lifelong Learning and, perhaps more
importantly, to your personal estate and legacy.
The power of planned giving to the Selected
Educational Trust is that it not only ensures programs
and services for those in independent funeral service,
but it can provide an income stream, a tax shelter and
the opportunity to leave a legacy without giving
up assets. A planned gift can ensure that you:
• Take care of the financial needs of your family first
• Provide inheritances for your heirs at a lower tax cost
• Reduce your income tax and even avoid
capital gains taxes
upon your death and reduce the donor’s income that is
subject to tax, the use of short-term or long-term capital
gains property to fund their gift and then applying a
deduction from 30% to 50% of your adjusted gross
income in that year.
Speak to your financial advisor to see what option
or options might make sense for you and the steps
necessary to make it happen to the advantage of
your estate. Thank you in advance for your
consideration of the Trust. s
New Webinars Scheduled for 2016
With the success of our Cash Flow web cast in
November 2015 and positive feedback from our
participants, we have scheduled two more financially
based web casts in 2016, one in March and one in June.
Both will be sponsored by Live Oak Bank, and we will
be providing details for both in January. s
• Diversify your investment portfolio
Leadership Academy Scholarship
• Increase income and the effective rate of return
If you or one of your staff is interested in enhancing
your professional career with industry-specific
information and nearly $5,000 in financial support,
please visit selectedtrust.org for more information
and an application for the Selected Leadership
Academy Scholarship. s
• Make a larger charitable gift than you
thought possible
When you contribute to the Trust you are helping
provide scholarships to those working in independent
funeral homes and those who aspire to become funeral
directors as a second (or third
or more) career. You also are
providing funding for research,
specialized learning and personal
growth opportunities. As an
independent funeral home owner
or employee you have the power
to strengthen and protect the
future of the industry you serve.
Whether it’s an outright
lifetime gift of cash or assets like
long term capital gain property
(deductible at fair market value), a
charitable remainder trust or gift
annuity, revocable gifts that would
be paid to your charities of choice
22
MEMBER SPOTLIGHT
Stephen Dil of Dil’s Funeral Services
Stephen Dil is a third-generation
funeral director and the managing
director of Dil’s Funeral Services in
Auckland, New Zealand. The firm
has been a member of Selected
since 1996, employs 20 people and
has an annual call volume of 600.
What is your guiding
business principle?
“We try to follow a
people-first philosophy. My
grandfather, Wilfred T. Dil, who
founded our business, was a
quintessential people person, and
our business initially grew on the
strength of his personality and
love of people and their stories. As
the business has developed, this
people-first approach has helped
us to offer service that is tailored to
individual needs and allows us to
be flexible.”
Of what aspect of your firm
are you most proud?
“We have a very strong
reputation in our community.
I am proud of the way my team
work really hard to uphold
that reputation.”
What currently is your firm’s
greatest challenge?
“Like many, I suspect, it is
coping with change. We have a
number of long-serving staff who
are close to retirement age. We
need to work out how to manage
the transition of old and new
staff while maintaining our high
standards and, at the same time,
making the changes that will allow
us to continue to be successful.”
What is
your next
major project?
“We currently
are planning
a new funeral
home. We hope
Stephen Dil
to get planning
approval and begin construction
in 2016.”
Why did you seek a career
in funeral service?
“Ours is a family business, and
I am the third generation. The
simple answer is that I wanted to
be like my Dad and Granddad,
so following them in the family
business was the natural thing to
do. If the family business had been
something other than funerals, I
would likely be doing that.”
What is your favorite part
of the job?
“When looking after a family,
I find it a privilege to be included
in an experience that is very
personal for many people. I find it
remarkable the way families will
open up to me and the trust they
place in me to help them.”
What is your least favorite?
“Funeral service sometimes
demands that you put your clients
before even family. I always have
hated missing family occasions
when duty has called.”
What is the best way
to spot new trends?
“I like to read a lot of business
books and articles. I particularly
like to look at case studies of what
other businesses have done and
look at their successes and failures.
I then try to see if there are any
lessons I can apply to my business.
I also like to travel as much as I
can. I find when I am out of my
daily routine, I notice things I
would otherwise miss.”
What is your view of the
future of funeral service?
“The forces that influence our
sector are in flux in many ways,
and this brings change. I see
changing societal values as being
the biggest opportunity we face.
Successful funeral homes will be
the ones that are able to continue
to show families the value in
gathering together for a funeral
and our role in being part of that
process. However, I think we will
need to do this in new ways. I think
one challenge we face is society
seeing our role revert back to that
of undertaker. We need to be
seen as more than someone who
offers logistics.”
What is your favorite Selected
program, benefit or service?
“I’ve always enjoyed attending
meetings and meeting new and
interesting people. The exchange of
ideas is always inspiring.”
What did you gain from
your last Selected activity?
“I really enjoyed the Annual
Meeting in New Orleans and the
Jazz Funeral. It made me think
that if this wasn’t a celebration
of life, then what was? It was
a really good example of the
transformative experience that a
funeral needs to be.” s
23
WELCOME NEW MEMBERS
REMEMBERING OUR COLLEAGUES
Visit selectedfuneralhomes.org/new-members
for the latest list of invited members.
Iowa City, IA, lensingfuneral.com
Visit selectedfuneralhomes.org/obituaries
for more information and to view the Remembering
Our Colleagues video memorial from the
2015 Annual Meeting.
Welch & Cornett Funeral Home,
Richard C. “Dick” Andrews Sr.,
Lensing Funeral & Cremation Service,
Linton, IN, welchcornett.com
West & Parrish & Pedigo Funeral Home,
Andrews Mortuary, Inc., Wilmington, NC,
died November 15. andrewsmortuary.com
Spencer, IN, westparrishpedigo.com
Merle A. Mahn,
EDUCATIONAL TRUST CONTRIBUTIONS
Mahn Family Funeral Home, Inc., Red Wing, MN,
died November 7. mahnfamilyfuneralhome.com
The Selected Educational Trust thanks the following
contributors for their generous support.
IN-MEMORIAM CONTRIBUTORS
Bibber Memorial Chapel, Kennebunk, ME,
in memory of Barbara Smith.
Jeanette O. McQuillen,
The Billow Funeral Homes and Crematory, Akron, OH,
died October 31. billowfuneralhomes.com
Harriet H. McAfee,
Thomas McAfee Funeral Home, Greenville, SC,
died October 21. thomasmcafee.com
James H. & J. Mark Busch, Busch Funeral &
Crematory Services, Cleveland, OH, in memory of
Harriet McAfee and Jeanette McQuillen.
NEWS FROM OUR MEMBERS
Ann Ciccarelli & Family, Bisbee-Porcella Funeral
Austin’s Family Funeral Directors, with 11 locations
Service, Inc, Saugus, MA, in memory of Ellen Hewitt.
in memory of Jeanette McQuillen.
throughout Hertfordshire, England, made a donation
to the Hertfordshire Multiple Sclerosis Therapy Centre
in Letchworth through
the firm’s Harwood Park
Crematorium in Stevenage.
Claire Austin, Managing
Director of Austin’s said,
“We are a local company
committed to helping
our community and are
pleased to be able to help
a local charity that helps
local people improve their
quality of life.”
SILVER PATRON CONTRIBUTORS
Jodi Clock, CPLP, Clock
Haisley Funeral & Cremation Service, Fort Pierce, FL,
in memory of Jeanette McQuillen.
Larry & Carol Schildmeyer, Tufts Schildmeyer
Funeral Home, Loveland, OH, in memory of
Jeanette McQuillen.
Richard Tetrick, Heritage Family Funeral Service, Inc.,
Elizabethton, TN, in memory of Merle Mahn.
Selected Group 1, in memory of Ellen Hewitt.
Discovery Study Group,
in memory of Merle Mahn.
Selected Past Officers’ Spouses Council,
Selected Past Officers’ Spouses Council
Selected Game Changers Study Group
SUSTAINING PATRON CONTRIBUTORS
Bibber Memorial Chapel, Kennebunk, ME
Hackman Family Funeral Homes, Sturgis, MI
Frank E. Smith Funeral Home & Crematory,
Lancaster, OH
American Funeral Consultants, New Paltz, NY
24
Claire Austin presents
Funeral Home and Clock
donation check.
Timeless Pets, Muskegon,
MI, recently spoke at an international symposium in
Rio de Janiero, Brazil, sponsored by ICCFA, for funeral
home and cemetery owners who want to add a pet
loss business to their companies. She spoke to more
than 200 funeral and cemetery professionals, and was
translated in real time to Portuguese, Spanish, French,
Italian and Chinese. “The cultural experience was
incredible,” Jodi said. “There was so much learning
Continues on next page
different type of audience and exemplifies the impact the
firm has within the community.
and sharing.” The funeral
home’s pet program was
featured in the March-April
2014 issue of The Bulletin,
beginning on page 4. [View
Thomas McAfee Funeral Home’s Southeast Chapel,
Simpsonville, SC, has been named Small Business of
the Year by the Mauldin, SC, Chamber of Commerce. s
at selectedfuneralhomes.org/
bulletin-972.]
Frank C. Dawson, CFSP,
Dawson Funeral Home,
East Liverpool, OH, has
created a new book,
Jodi Clock
Transformational Funeral
Service for funeral practitioners, as they strive to bring
satisfaction to families in an every-changing marketplace.
Learn more at transformationalfuneral.com.
Platt’s Funeral Home hosted the Vietnam Veterans’ Memorial Wall
replica at its Evans, GA, location in October.
Hoffman Funeral Home & Crematory, Carlisle, PA,
has received three prestigious honors:
finalist in the Central Penn Business
Journal Business of the Year and The
Sentinnel News Best of Funeral Homes,
as well as President Chris Hoffman
being named Carlisle Chamber of
Commerce Business Executive of the
Year. Each award was selected by a
It was a monster smash! The crew at Kenneth H. Pollard Funeral
Home, Methuen, MA, took their wares across the street to
St. Monica’s Grammar school to play trick and treat with the children.
Chris Hoffman
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25
INTEROFFICE
ROUTING
INTEROFFICE
ROUTING
January-February 2016
January–February 2016
Helping Children with Grief and Loss
Selected Offers Helpful Tools and Resources
The
Experience
of Grief
Coping With Your Loss
by Diana J. McKendree
Why
Suicide?
Talking To
Children
About Death
Support After a
Death by Suicide
Good Grief: What Is It?
by Janet S. McCord
by Maria Trozzi, M.Ed.
Young people may raise questions for
which we have no answers. It is perfectly
acceptable to say that their questions are
good ones, and that you will try to help
find answers. Don’t avoid listening to
questions and concerns just because you
are afraid you will not know the answer.
Taken From Talking To Children About Death
by Maria Trozzi, M.Ed.
For full product descriptions and to place an order, visit selectedfuneralhomes.org/store
PHONE: 800-323-4219
ONliNEStOrE:selectedfuneralhomes.org/store
FAX:847-236-9968
EMAil:[email protected]
MAil:500 Lake Cook Road, Suite 205, Deerfield, IL 60015