Lydia Bastianich - Cooking at 2008 Wine Festival

CONTENTS
Contents and Staff
Page 4
Page 6
Page 7
Pages 8-9
Pages 10
Page 12
Page 13
Page 14
Page 16
Pages 20-21
Business
Wine
Lydia Bastianich
Dining
Casual Dining
Movies
Local Business
Music
What Would
Gary Roberts Do?
Pages 22-23 Mother’s Day Humor
Pages 24-36 Humor
Page 37
Gratitude
Page 39
Classifieds
Music - Page 14
Publisher: Joyce Campisi
Editor-in-Chief: Joyce Campisi
Executive Editor: Joseph P. Campisi, III
Contributing Editor: Timothy Pisano
Production Manager: Rob Hoffman
Graphic Designer: Donnie Garber
Smokin Joeʼs - Page 10
Local Business - Page 13
Dennis Kostley, Casey King
Photographer: Joey Rocket, Chris Ivy,
Justin A. Harrison
Administrative Assistant: Tammie Miller
Feature Writers: Paul E. Kimble,
Trish Imbrogno, Christopher Harper,
David Mayle, , Suz Pisano, Deb
Mortillaro, Mike Gonze, William Mann
Contributing Writers: Bill Mace
Jean Mace, Dottie Wilhelm,
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Halʼs Pages 8-9
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2
• May
2008
May 2008 •
3
BUSINESS
Changing Demographics In The Workplace
by: Paul E. Kimble
I
s it just me, or is everyone around me
getting older? We’re witnessing
substantial demographic changes,
affecting the population as a whole, and
the workplace in particular. Is your
company prepared for these changes?
I could quote a bunch of statistics
that show the rate of baby boomer
retirement and the lower number of
workers to take their place, with dire
predictions of a labor shortage. Then I
could quote some studies that show the
effect will be minimized by boomers
working longer, outsourcing, a rise in
immigrant labor, and technological
advances resulting in labor efficiencies
(like robots I talked about last month).
So, depending on your industry,
geography and other factors, your
company may face a labor shortage, or
you’ll be dealing with an older, more
diverse workforce, or both. What plans
have you made to effectively deal with
these issues?
Think about what happened to Boeing
in the mid-nineties. They let about 9,000
workers go by offering early retirement
incentives. Giddy over the prospects of
cutting labor costs, Boeing forgot about
the Law Of Unintended Consequences.
The “brain drain” resulting from all that
experience leaving at once hurled
Boeing production lines into chaos. In a
move that shocked the aviation world,
Boeing executives shut down production
of their best selling aircraft, the 737 and
747 for an entire month, to sort out
production difficulties. Bad move.
How will you cope with the majority of
your experienced workforce retiring over
the next several years? In Japan,
Mitsubishi faced the challenge of a
shrinking applicant pool to replace
retiring workers. They developed a plan
to rehire retired workers, many of who
just wanted to keep busy, paying the
“boomerang” retirees just 60% of what
they were paid before leaving the
company. Mitsubishi also has intensified
efforts to relocate some production from
Japan.
Speaking of relocating production, did
you know some financial forecasters
prognosticate a $3 Euro in just a couple
of years? Can you imagine how
attractive the U.S. would be to European
manufacturers? We may see significant
transfers of European production lines
here to America, with shipping
containers full of cars, appliances and
other goods shipped from East Coast
ports back to Europe. That’s another
trend for another article, so back to the
issues at hand.
4
• May
2008
“What issues?” you may be thinking
to yourself. An older, more diverse
workforce presents concerns. Think of
all those diversity programs you’ve gone
through. Did any of them talk about
unity? Creating a spirit of teamwork and
unity of effort will be the real challenge
for managers as these demographic
changes unfold. What is your plan for
getting (and keeping) your 20somethings and 70-somethings on the
same page? A recent survey conducted
by Atlantic Associates, a Boston-based
staffing company, asked a sample of
executives in Massachusetts which of
these generation groups was the "most
difficult to manage." Here's their result:
millennials/Generation Y (ages 18-31):
53%; Generation X (ages 32-42): 17%;
baby boomers (ages 43 - 61): 14%; not
sure: 16%. Even though it makes me
wonder if the results were skewed by
the age of the executives responding to
the survey, as a parent of two
“millennials” I have to think it is difficult
getting these disparate age groups to
play nice in the workplace.
What about the physical challenges
an older workforce might present?
Nippon Paint in Singapore, with an
average age of 48 among logistics
department workers, began noticing an
increased rate of human errors like
wrong colors of paint delivered to
customers and goods stored improperly
in warehouses. To combat the
problems, Nippon instituted a bar coding
system to assist workers with eyesight
limitations and worker-friendly materials
handling systems to carry heavy loads of
raw materials and finished product. The
result? Higher productivity, fewer
mistakes, happy workforce.
Increased numbers of immigrant
workers present potential tribulation as
well. The Migration Policy Institute used
U.S. Census data to study Los Angeles’
immigrant work force and determined
that one-third of immigrants have not
graduated from high school and 60
percent do not speak English fluently.
Sounds like quite the skills gap. Imagine
if that was your workforce. It might be
in a few years time, so you better plan
for ways to either attract the best
workers available or come up with some
workforce development initiatives to
enhance the skills of your employees.
There is one common aspect to all of
these demographic changes: you, the
leader. Take charge, look forward, and
prepare your company for the changing
workplace.
Entrepreneurs,
Get on the FastTrac !
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Do you have an innovative idea for a business or an opportunity to
purchase a business? Have you started a business you want to expand?
FastTrac® helps entrepreneurs evaluate business opportunities and develop plans to put their ideas into
actions that lead to successful businesses that withstand the test of time.
The Massey Center for Business Innovation and Development at Robert Morris University
offers entrepreneurial training courses featuring the nationally renowned
FastTrac® curriculum. Call 412-397-4000 or e-mail
[email protected] to learn more.
Ten-session program starting soon!
“FastTrac provided me with information and business
resources that I am still using, long after the classes
ended.” – Sandy Burkett, President, Vital Signs, Pittsburgh
“The financial planning tools are a great help to planning
how much it will cost and what you will require.” – Chuck
Watson, President, EnergyChaser LLC, Pittsburgh
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more meaningful by guests who are successful entrepreneurs
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TAKE CH
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Kauffma
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WINE
Palate Partners Share Wit And Wisdoms Of Food and Wine
by: Deb Mortillaro, Mike Gonze and William Mann. Photo by William Mann
with catering companies and creating innovative
wine and food programs, Deb and Mike consistently
reinforce the belief that informed wine selection is
an integral factor in successful entertaining. Gonze
teaches classes, delivers seminars and performs
tastings throughout the Pittsburgh area. Palate
Partners, the wine and gift basket company, thrives
and has become a million dollar producer of
corporate and personal gifts.
Mike is an active member of the Society of Wine
Educators and has attended their conferences in
Oregon, Seattle and Vancouver. A frequent visitor to
wineries in the US, he has also visited wineries in
the Loire Valley and the Southern Rhone regions of
France, and regularly attends tastings sponsored by
importers, distributors, the Culinary Institute of
America, and boutique wineries.
Deb Mortillaro graduated with honors from the
Culinary Institute of America, sits on the Board of
Neighbors in the Strip, Dress for Success
L-R: Barbara DeTemple of Neighbors In The Strip, Giuseppe Francioni of Bravo Design Group, Deb Mortillaro of Pittsburgh, and is the founder of “Vin Fatales”, a
Palate Partners, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl, Becky Rodgers of Neighbors In The Strip and Mike Gonze of
philanthropic women’s wine tasting group.
Dreadnought Wines. Photo credit: Justin A. Harrison
In future Nightwire issues, Mike and Deb will
present readers with advice on wine buys, pairing
wines with foods, wine events, new and very cool wine
ere begins a new regular column devoted to the many
gadgetry, gift ideas, and exciting places that you can BYOB.
ways to make your tongues dance with delight. Before we
As the starting gun fires on this series of sage advice, here
begin, here’s a little background to tell you that this isn’t just
is a beginning basic tip:
another episode of ‘Dancing With The Stars’, but that you are
The “red wine with red meat and white wine with chicken
being choreographed by the ballet masters of Foie Gras and
and fish” rule is no longer the rule. The old rule is out. Just like
Beaujolais. Welcome to the pas-de-deux of Palate Partners!
the ‘wearing-white-after-Labor-Day’ rule has died with the ever
In April of 1980, Dreadnought Wines opened its doors to
changing trends of fashion. You have to drink what you like.
the public at 1627 Penn Avenue in Pittsburgh’s historic Strip
(including the White Zinfandel drinkers who want to drink
District. The mission of the owners was to bring new and
White Zinfandel with everything.) One of the most important
exciting specialty wines to Pittsburgh, while providing to the
new rules is—TRY IT. Experiment and see what you like. Try
customer an alternate method of purchasing through the
new grape varietals that you haven’t had before or familiar
Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board’s system. Unlike the PLCB,
varietals grown in places that are new to you.
the owners wanted to offer the public wine tastings,
There are no completely right or wrong answers to whatknowledgeable advice and credit card acceptance: innovative
goes-with-what as long as you like it. There will always be
ideas that were immediately challenged by the state. As a
some matches that are naturally better than others. A classic
result, the company was named Dreadnought Imports LTD
decadent example is Foie Gras with a French Sauternes. Rich
after a class of English ships designed to navigate turbulent
buttery flavors matched with a perfect balance of sweet and
waters. In 1984 Dreadnought moved to the corner of 26th and
acid. A match made in heaven! (or the French countryside.)
Smallman.
But ultimately your tongue is the boss.
Mike Gonze, Dreadnought’s current President, purchased
The best way to train your tongue is to keep experimenting.
the company in 1986, continued its mission and established a
Pittsburgh offers a variety of regular wine tasting events. Other
truly unique enterprise. In 1992 he moved the location to 2013
than the First and Third Friday Tastings at Palate Partners,
Penn Avenue and partnered with Deb Mortillaro, owner of the
more wine events can be found at www.localwineevents.com
tabletop retail store, The Butler’s Secret, in order to expand
A terrific opportunity to educate your palate will be to check
the non-wine component of the business by adding wine
out some of the wine dinners associated with the Wine
accessories, Riedel stemware, and unique gifts. Responding
Festival coming to Pittsburgh beginning May 3rd. There you
to the demands of their clients, in 1995 Mike and Deb created
can see what foods chef’s have matched to wines and discuss
Palate Partners to market wine gift baskets, and in that same
with the wine makers what their thoughts are on matching
year, launched a thriving Wine-of-the-Month Club.
their wines to different foods.
Providing wines to Pittsburgh’s premiere restaurants,
Scott Harvey from Scott Harvey Wines in Napa will be hosting
catering companies and the general public, Dreadnought
a dinner on May 7th for Dreadnought Wines that will show this
continues its mission of educating the public, realizing that an
very subject. www.palatepartners.com/(412) 391-8502
informed wine consumer is its best customer. By partnering
H
6
• May
2008
WINE
Lydia Bastianich - Cooking at 2008 Wine Festival
W
ith 4 best selling cook books, over 9
years of television programming, 4
successful restaurants in Manhattan,
Pittsburgh was pleased to be selected as
home to Lydia’s In the Strip. One of only
2 locations outside of New York (the other
being Kansas City). Lydia Bastianich is a
powerhouse of everything Italian. She will
be back in the burgh at the 2008 Wine
Festival. The Pittsburgh Wine Festival will
take place May 3-9, 2008. This event
which has been a sold out event every
year is presented by the Pennsylvania
Liquor Control Board and Comcast. Lydia
will be preparing a special recipe at the
VIP Grand tasting where she will also be
presenting a selection of wines from her
two wineries in Italy.
www.pittsburghwinefestival.com for
details.
It was a great opportunity to interview
her and I’d like to share some of our
conversation. Lydia seemed excited and
awed to tell me that she had been asked
to prepare 3 meals for the Pope during his
recent visit to Washington DC. She talked
about celebrating his birthday and being a
very spiritual person. That’s an
opportunity of a lifetime and I could tell
that she did not take it lightly. We talked
about family and how having meals
together is a real “family experience”.
She related that she thought that children are often left out of
the preparation of meals and are missing out on cultural
traditions. Lydia talked about taking your children to the
markets, exposing them to the experience of shopping for the
food, expecting them to be a part of the meal preparation
even if it’s setting the table or washing the dishes. She eluded
that children today are so used to everything being prepared
for them and handed to them in a cardboard box. We both
agree that convenience is killing the culture and tradition of the
family table. As a girl who uses no packaged, prepared or
frozen foods in my home, I often see the benefit of family
closeness while making homemade pastas or ravioli. My
stepson and I shared so much side by side in the kitchen, and
I feel secure in knowing that he won’t be on his own eating
fast or bad food. He actually can cook. Lydia said that she
sees a longing for this return, families connected by the
preparation and celebrating around the table. There’s a
closeness that naturally develops around the family table.
She’s right. I couldn’t even imagine some of the things I
learned from my step children right at the dinner table!
As for some things you might not know about Lydia- She’s
loves photography, capturing the moment and preserving it in
time. She also loves sailing and does not see herself as the
mythical figure from television or books. She is often
surprised even amazed when people stop her in the restaurant
or on the street. Family is very important to her as her mother
age 86 resides with her. One final thing you might be
surprised to know is that Lydia does not claim to have created
any recipes, she brings them to us authentic as she can
sometimes tweaking them with American ingredients. I
watched her Executive Chef Fortunato Nicotra from Felidias in
NY talking about tradition and the same thing on youtube.
Here’s the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCE75jkF8o now that’s a way to pass on tradition and culture. For
more about Lydia, her famous restaurants, her wineries,
cookbooks, travel and television shows check out
www.lydiasitaly.com.
May 2008 •
7
DINING
Hal’s Bar & Gril
by: Suz Pisano
W
e’ve done it again loyal Nightwire readers…..we’ve found
a gem that you absolutely must try- Hal’s Bar & Grill
located right on Babcock Boulevard in the North Hills. We’re
excited because Hal’s is almost brand new, with a mere 3
months under their belt we want to give them our support
because our experience there was great! Now don’t mistake a
new place for inexperience, Hal Koenemund has managed
some fine restaurants around town and his Executive Chef
Joseph Hartz has experience under his belt from Trilogy and
Marriott Hotels. This is not your typical North Hills suburban
establishment, not at all…
Let me begin by mentioning the décor – it’s very chic but
with a comfortable & casual elegance. Don’t be afraid to
dress up and take a date or drop in wearing jeans. There is no
dress code, and the friendly staff will make you feel like you
belong no matter what you’re wearing. With 6 beers on tap,
51 bottles to choose from, a delightful selection of vodkas, a
great wine list & a beautiful smoke-free bar at which to sit,
now you get the idea.
Our dining experience began
with a selection of
appetizers that
looked as good
at they
tasted.
Spicy
Tuna ($9)
seared
Ahi Tuna
over
marinated
mushroom &
soy bean salad drizzled
with wasabi aioli. The soy bean salad was a nice side to the
tuna which was delectable. We devoured every bite. The Salt
8
• May
2008
& Pepper Calamari ($9)
served with a side of teriyaki
sauce for dipping were
tender & light and a generous
portion. Crab Fritters ($8)
were next and were some of
the best I’ve had. We just
couldn’t figure out how the
outside of these fritters were
so crunchy & crispy and the
inside so tender & moist. At
Hal’s they use sweet lump
crab and the side sauce was
a perfect compliment. Yum!
Something we’ve never triedFried Pickles ($5) were
presented to us next and
with hesitation we all tried
them and unanimously loved
the fried pickle. I totally
imagined having this with a
nice micro-brew at the bar.
Our last appetizer- Nachos Grande ($8)fresh in-house chips
with taco meat, chili, cheese, sour cream, jalapenos, olives &
fresh salsa are a nice shared selection. The nachos are a
great standard but some other offerings you just might find
more interesting- Crispy Seitan ($6) a vegeteri-yinz staple,
tossed in any one of their sauces. Seitan is a “wheat meat” or
wheat gluten often served chicken wing style. Mini Corn Dogs
($6) and Crunchy Tacos
($6) are also offered.
Hal’s has quite a
nice selection
and seemingly
something
for every
taste.
The
salads we
tried were
not only
gorgeously
presented but
tantalizing to our
taste buds as well.
The Strawberry Walnut
($8) was our favorite and topped with enough candied
walnuts that made it just perfect. The Asian Tuna ($12)
topped with Ahi tuna, crispy wonton strips was a nice twist
and the Caesar ($7) with shaved cheese a nice fresh standard.
Hal wanted us to try his sandwiches and boy are we glad
we did! My favorite the Grilled Pastrami ($8) was gigantic,
topped with melted Swiss, shaved red onion & tarragon
mustard on grilled rye bread. When I took the half we didn’t
eat home & shared it with a friend the next day, she was so
grateful because it was delicious all over again! (I toasted it in
the oven.) The Cheese Steak ($9) rivals any I’ve had so far
DINING
alfredo sauce on a
bed of fettuccini.
All entrees at
Hal’s are served
with a choice of
two sides - fresh
vegetables, mac &
cheese, mashed
potatoes, sweet
potato fries or a
side salad. We
found all of the
prices extremely
and the Build Your Own Burger ($9)
reasonable and
well, what could be better than that?
the quality of food
Chef Joe put Jack Daniels BBQ
most excellent.
Sauce on ours & it was delicious. I
Whew! Hal and
must mention that on the tasting
Chef Joe were
crew a few of us are self-described
most gracious
onion ring snobs & we found the
Hal Koenemund
hosts but we were
onion rings at Hal’s the best. I even
very full and somehow couldn’t even imagine tasting one more
took the few left over home & even after heating them up in
thing and then there they were……….Deep Fried Oreos! None
my oven, they were still that good. I definitely think Hal’s is
of us had ever tried a deep fried Oreo and I have to tell you,
the place for great sandwiches and onion rings! But wait
they were good! What a fun way to end a meal. Hal’s dessert
there’s more…..
selections change frequently but he told us you can even have
Everything we had tasted up until the entrees was so good,
a Deep Fried Brownie! I think I’ll save that for next time.
but we didn’t have any idea what we were about to be served.
Hal’s Bar & Grill is open Tuesday through Thursday 4pm to
The NY Strip Steak ($19) was 10 ounces; center cut and toped
12pm, Friday & Saturday from 4pm to 2am and on Sunday
with garlic herb butter. Think about this when you’re hungry!
from 10am until 10pm. In addition, on Sunday they serve a
Ahi Tuna ($17) seared to your liking on a bed of wasabi hash
fabulous breakfast buffet from 10AM until 1:00PM. Hal’s is
browns was very inventive and a nice light entrée. St. Louis
Ribs ($15 & $21) came glazed in Jack Daniels BBQ Sauce & all closed on Mondays. The Nightwire crew wishes Hal and his
staff congratulations & all of the best in their new venture and
I have to say about this entrée is that someone almost lost a
we encourage all of our readers to definitely give this place a
finger. The ribs are to die for & an excellent price I must add.
try. We loved it & so will you. We’re sure that you won’t be
The Mushroom Risotto ($13) was creamy with a blend of
disappointed! Check out their website www.halsbar.com for
garlic, herbs & mushrooms. Tammie said she’d take me down
upcoming events, menus, maps &
for this dish but I pulled rank as the writer of this review & had
directions. Once again,
Hal put my name on the to-go container! As much as I love a
tell ‘em your
risotto, I just don’t have the patience for that much stirring.
friends at
Thank God Chef Joseph does! This risotto was absolutely
Nightwire
delicious. Seafood selections round out the menu and we
sent
tried the Salmon ($17) pan seared with homemade Creole
you!
mustard and the Scallop & Shrimp ($17) pan seared with
Hal’s Bar and Grill
Phone: (412) 364-3230
Tuesday through Thursday 4pm to
12pm, Friday & Saturday from 4pm
to 2am and on Sunday from 10am
till 10pm. Plus on Sunday they
serve a fabulous breakfast buffet
from 10AM till 1:00PM
3225 Babcock Blvd
Pittsburgh, PA 15237
May 2008 •
9
DINING
Casual Dining - Smokin Joe’s
I
just love telling you about good things in my neighborhood!
This month the Nightwire crew & some friends visited
Smokin Joe’s Saloon at 2001 Carson Street, right in the heart
of the Burgh’s lovely & historic
South Side. With a full
selection of micro
brews & imports,
their beer selection
will accommodate
almost any taste.
The staff is well
versed in “beerspeak” if you want
to try something
new. I always enjoy
trying a new beer
recommended by a server
who has the knowledge to match
my preferences in beer qualities. Smokin
Joe’s has 60 beers on tap and over 300+ bottled beer to
choose from. But now, let me get to the good stuff- the food!
With an
extensive
appetizer
offeringwe began
with
Smokin Hot
Peppers
($5.95),
banana
peppers
stuffed with
hot Italian
sausage, smothered in their own marinara and topped with
Provolone cheese. These are a great starter for those of you
that like spicy. I recommend them with a nice cold beer! The
10
• May
2008
prices are right for any appetizer
before your meal or at the bar. Some
other offerings are Chicken Fingers
($5.95), Zucchini Planks ($3.95),
Nachos ($4.95), Fresh Cut Fries
($1.95), Onion Rings ($2.95) and even
Wings (5 for $3.25, 10 for $5.95 & 20
for $9.95). I have to tell you that these
were some pretty good wings! We
sampled Hot but Joe’s has 15 choices
of sauces. Thursdays are Wing Night
from 7pm until 11pm, with 40 wings &
a pitcher of beer for $14.10. It gets
packed so be prepared.
Pierogies are Pittsburgh’s Official
Food! And Smokin Joe’s has ‘em (3 for
$3.95, 6 for $6.95). I was very excited
to try some pierogies and glad that this
column has my name on it- I get to try
things first because there was almost a
fight over the pierogies! Good thing
we’re all friends here! But there’s
plenty more to choose from on their extensive menuQuesadillas, a great choice for you veg-heads ($3.95) a toasty
garlic herb tortilla topped with Cheddar & Pepperjack cheeses,
served with sautéed onions, peppers & jalapenos, served with
sour cream & homemade salsa. Add steak or chicken
($6.90) - you can’t beat it!
Smokin Joe’s also offers a Traditional
Pizza created with their homemade sauce
($7.50) as well as BBQ Chicken Pizza
($8.95) & White Pizza ($7.95). Sandwiches
& Burgers, Hoagies & Wraps, Salads, Chili
& Soups, once you see the menu- you’ll be
surprised at all of the choices. Joe
Dawson is so nice and down to earth; no
wonder that his establishment has been so
successful for the past 12 years- no
pretension here. Smokin Joe’s is just plain old
down to earth
good food for
lunch or
dinner
with
prices
that will
make you a
regular, plus
their kitchen is
open nightly till 1AM. If
you’re on the South Side, it’s a
perfect place to drop in- tell ‘em Nightwire sent you!
May 2008 •
11
MOVIES
Where Do You Find Your Sex And The City?
Written by: Nannette Staropoli
Pictured L to R Christine Berardi,Hip ʻtique, Nannette Staropoli and Kim Jones, Karma
S
ex and the City Fan; Nannette Staropoli Owner of MarkIT
Events & Promotions and Fusion Private Club
The HBO Series “Sex and the City” was a cultural
phenomenon in late 1990’s to early 2000’ and featured four
single, fabulous women in New York City . The show followed
them in love, heartbreak, careers, and conquests. For fans like
me, we saw a little – and sometimes a lot - of ourselves in the
shows characters - Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha.
Aside from being champions of how to live the single life, they
reminded all of us that through thick and thin, good guys and
bad, you’ll always have your girlfriends.
I liken myself most to Carrie – the creative, free spirited,
stylish, writer of the group. Like myself – she is a proud
Manolo Blahnik groupie, though I’ve been often told I have a
similarity to Samantha – the sexy, uninhibited, tough on the
exterior, soft on the inside gal. If you’ve seen me with Bailey,
my spoiled four-legged friend - or shared an interaction with
my wonderful 20 year old daughter Fallon, you may find a lot
of Charlotte in me.
In Carrie mode, I find retail therapy the only cure for a man
hangover. Starting at Saks Fitfh Avenue, I always find comfort
in old friends Jimmy Choo or Giuseppe Zanotti. Or I head to
Ellsworth and visit Bondstreet Shoes to meet some new best
friends. Pittsburgh has more than our share of great boutiques
that help bring out our favorite characters –or our own sense
12
• May
2008
of style. From Karma on the SouthSide where I found a
delightful Samantha-like dress, or Chick, an amazing boutique
downtown, to Original Cin, Hip ‘tique, Emphatics, Footloose,
and Larrimor’s – there are plenty of stylish collections to help
feed the need for retail therapy.
On May 30, “Sex and the City – The Movie” hits the big
screen. If you aren’t quite as
excited as I am, rent the
series or catch reruns
on television. For the
movie premiere, I’ll be
hitting the red carpet
with my gang at
AMC Loews, for an
exciting Red Carpet
Reception and an
After Party at Altar
Bar that would
make Carrie,
Charlotte,
Miranda and
Samantha
proud. Hope
to see you on
the carpet!
FEATURE
Featured Business - Oh My! You’re Gorgeous
S
pring has sprung and poles are popping up all over! Our
congratulations to the pole dancing and sensual fitness
experts Oh My You’re Gorgeous on the opening of their
second location in the North Hills, located at 222 Mars
Valencia Road!
Stephanie Babines is the owner, operator and certified pole
dancing instructor of Oh My You're Gorgeous. She's a spicy
educated Pittsburgh native who holds a Bachelors of Science
degree in Marketing and Management Information Systems as
well as a Master Certification in Project Management. She has
extensive dance and fitness experience and is a NESTA Group
Aerobics instructor, personal trainer. Steph is also CPR and
first aid certified. In 2005, she pulled together all her
management and fitness skills and opened Oh My You're
Gorgeous, a business dedicated to making women feel
beautiful from head to toe, inside and out. In 2007, she
traveled to Las Vegas, studying and training 1 on 1 under
Fawnia Mondey, who pioneered pole dancing for fitness.
Steph holds accredited certification for 5 levels of advanced
pole dancing instruction bringing the West Coast Style to the
East Coast. She became the first certified pole dancing
instructor in Pennsylvania. Three years later, Oh My You're
Gorgeous is going strong
Oh My You’re Gorgeous
and has expanded to a
offer a wide range of
services covering fitness, 724-612-7724
222 Mars Valencia Road
massage, beauty and
Mars, PA 15046 or
entertainment services.
Dancin Place
Oh My You’re
La Salle Plaza
Gorgeous proudly offers
20411 Perry Hwy.
an endless array of
registered courses and
Cranberry, PA 16066
drop-in fitness and dance
classes. Classes include www.ohmyyouregorgeous.com
pole dancing, lap
dancing, yoga, pilates, cardio
kick boxing, hoop aerobics,
Hawaiian, stiletto strut, booty
camp, burlesque, abs, core and
more along with fabulous
bachelorette, birthday and girl’s
night out parties! This is a total
fitness program intended to build
strength and a total head to toe
workout. If you haven’t yet tried
pole dancing.. you have no idea
what fun a total body workout
can be!
Steph is absolutely amazing. I
was totally mesmerized watching
her workout on the pole. She has
a sensual sexy air about her and
just being in her presence can
make you feel alive, energized
and totally empowered. At her
studios, you’ll not only have fun,
you’ll feel sexy, but most of all,
you’ll feel truly comfortable! After
one class, you’ll feel like you can
take on the world! Her whole approach to fitness is the total
package…mind, body and spirit and oh yes, makeovers. She
is the “real deal” when it comes to transformations.
In addition to total fitness, Steph has created a support
group for woman of all ages to help one another concentrate
on themselves – with the ultimate girl’s night out. There is
definitely something for everyone at her studios… from 18 to
87 – it’s all about “ girls just wanna have fun!!” and oh what a
good time they have! If you haven’t tried it yet….what are you
waiting for? Stop in and see for yourself!
Oh My You’re Gorgeous carries a complete line of
accessories, tee shirts, jewelry and shoes – girl you just gotta
have shoes!!
On May 5th, Steph will be at the Fox and Hound in the
North Hills from 8PM-10PM providing “free” Salsa Dancing
Lessons. Plus, drop by for Ladies Night on May 7, 21 and
June 4 and 18 at the Fox and Hound in the North Hills from
7pm to 9pm for ‘free’ Pole Dancing Lessons. Call or go online
for a complete class schedule.
May 2008 •
13
MUSIC
Jambalossa Music and Arts Festival – A Psychedelic Utopia
by: Trish Imbrogno / photos by: Trish Imbrogno
Jazzam
T
here have been a few times when I thought I had gone to the
moon at a music festival; however, I can honestly say I’ve
never attended a festival in a location where the people who
actually go to the moon bring their equipment for maintenance!
In it’s inaugural season, JAMBALOOSA is proving that it may be
the hottest summer music event to hit the east coast since the
inception of Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival in Manchester,
Tennessee, at the beginning of the millennium.
Held in Wampum, Pennsylvania (30 miles Northwest of
Pittsburgh), June 27-29, Jambaloosa is focusing its attention
more on the regional music scene, as opposed to importing
large national music acts. With close to 40 bands currently
scheduled, you’ll find no shortage of talent throughout the
weekend. Pittsburgh-area favorites, The Boogie Hustlers,
headline both Friday and Saturday night. The Hustlers find
themselves sharing the stage with other local scenesters
including Jazzam, The Poogie Bell Band, theCAUSE, One Gig at
a Time, and Patti Spadaro, and many more.
If the music doesn’t draw you in, the atmosphere will!
Wampum is one of the few places in the country where NASA
brings its telescopes to polish the lenses. The air is pure and
the location is a natural energy vortex: compasses spin
erratically and cell phones malfunction. Spanning 660 acres on
the Mines and Meadows Resort, the festival site is nothing short
of magical. Consisting of 11 acres of underground mines and
caverns, the site has VIP, RV and primitive camp sites, 30 miles
of trails, guided mine tours, a pool situated in the middle of a
lake, a special area for ATV and dirt bike riding, and much more!
The festival is nestled gently into the beauty of the site.
Consisting of three stages, you can hear music from 11am –
4:30am throughout the weekend. With a 40,000-watt sound
system gracing each stage, you can get up close and personal
to the shows, or simply enjoy music from the comfort of lawn
chairs at your campsite. While two stages will be much like
you’re used to at an outdoor concert, JAMBALOOSA has
something no other festival has – a stage situated in a 6,000
square foot cavern! Not cool enough yet? A long hallway,
adorn with gems and refracting multi-colored lasers, leads you
into to abyss of this unique musical experience.
The festival organizers are committed to using
JAMBALOOSA to help stimulate the local economy; and, the
14
• May
2008
Wampum area is very supportive of their efforts.
Jambaloosa is committed to keeping all festivalgoes and the members of the local community
safe, and have implemented a great plan to
achieve success in doing so. There will be 24hour security there, not to police those in
attendance, but rather to keep the peace and
make sure that everyone happily co-exists during
the weekend.
All festival-goers must purchase a ticket for
the entire three-day festival. Tickets for the First
Annual Jambaloosa festival are available online
and include three days of camping, parking, and
a guide to the event. Tickets purchased in
advance are $60 and, if the event does not sellout, will be available at the gate for $70.00. VIP
tickets are also available and include a special
VIP camping area, access to a dining tent,
backstage passes, VIP “meet the band” access,
and a limited edition Jambaloosa T-shirt.
Gates for the first annual Jambaloosa open at
3:00pm on Thursday, June 26. Music begins Friday, June 27 at
1pm and concludes on Sunday, June 29 at 1am. No worries
about driving late at night after a long weekend of music – you
are welcome to stay on site as late as Monday at noon.
Don’t miss your chance to be a part of festival history!
Jambaloosa has everything its larger counterparts advertise and
more, only closer to home. This will be the first of many annual
Jambaloosas to come – I can’t wait to say I was at the FIRST!
For more information about the festival, location, directions,
tickets and more, visit the Jambaloosa website at
www.jambaloosa.com. Also, don’t forget to make them your
friend on Myspace – www.myspace.com/jambaloosa.
The Boogie Hustlers
May 2008 •
15
TRAVEL
Cheap Tricks For Summer Travel
by: Jayne Clark, USA Today
W
ith the dollar tanking abroad and gas, lodging and flight
costs soaring in the USA, leisure travelers face an
expensive summer. But that doesn't mean you have to stay
home. USA TODAY asked travel experts for money-saving tips
for summer getaways.
Hotels: Location, negotiation are words to vacation by. Aim
for midweek stays in leisure destinations, when lodging rates
generally are lower. Conversely, rates drop on weekends at
urban business hotels. Stay off the beachfront for seaside
vacations. You can save a good deal (sometimes as much as
20%) by staying just a few blocks away. Also consider
alternatives to top destinations (in Massachusetts, for
example, Buzzards' Bay or Plymouth, instead of right on Cape
Cod). And avoid the second
half of July and the
whole month of
August. If you
can wait until the
week after Labor
Day, you can
save up to 50%
and the weather
is just as great.
Use
Priceline.com and
Hotwire.com
(opaque websites
where you don't
know the exact
hotel you've booked
until you've paid),
and book no earlier
than a week in
advance, unless it's a
holiday or highdemand period.
Consider vacation
rental property listed
on websites such as
HomeAway.com. It used to be a pain to
find a house, condo or apartment to rent, but the
Internet has made the process so much easier. Renting is one
of the very best values out there right now, especially for
groups.
Negotiate. When quoted a rate, ask if there's a lower rate or
unadvertised special. Play up whatever you bring to the table
— you're with a group, for example, or you visit often. Instead
of a lower rate, you may end up with free parking or an
upgrade.
Airfares: Advance purchases, flier miles are good to go Book far in advance. As the number of seats on domestic
airlines shrinks, booking early is more important than ever. Two
benefits: You're going to get the best advance-purchase fares,
and you'll be able to lock them in before more fuel surcharges
16
• May
2008
are added — as they almost surely will be.
Domestic flights on off-peak travel days (Tuesdays,
Wednesdays and Saturdays) usually cost less. The quietest
time of the week is early, early Saturday morning. The worst
time is Sunday afternoon. Don't even think of trying to get a
really good deal on a Sunday ticket booked close in.
Connecting flights are almost always cheaper than nonstop flights. But there is a downside — a far greater chance
of flight delays or lost luggage.
Use meta-search engines. Kayak.com, SideStep.com and
other sites scour multiple websites for flights (as well as
hotels, cruises and car rentals). A new site, InsideTrip.com,
goes further, assigning a rating based not just on price, but
also number of stops, legroom, aircraft age, whether you have
to take a bus to the gate, and more.
Pack light.
Most of
the major
U.S.
airlines are
now
charging
for a
second
checked
bag.
Road
trips: Save
on the way
there and at
your
destination.
With the high
cost of gas,
this is the
summer to
explore the
small towns,
state parks and
lesser-known
attractions that lie
close to home. Most
of us can probably
think of 10 places within
a three-hour drive where we'd like to go but have never gotten
around to.
Maximize fuel economy by heeding the speed limit. It
takes 20% more fuel to travel at 65 mph than at 55 mph, and
25% more when driving at 75 mph vs. 65 mph. Also, travel
light: 100 pounds of weight in the trunk reduces most cars'
fuel efficiency by 1% to 2%. If you must take it along, carry it
in the trunk and not on a roof rack, which decreases mileage
by up to 5%.
May 2008 •
17
May 2008 •
19
FEATURE
What Would Gary Roberts Do?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Gary Roberts can eat just one Lays potato chip.
Gary Roberts can crush coal into diamonds.
Gary Roberts has played the shark in Jaws.
Gary Roberts invented puppies.
Gary Roberts is so hardcore, all of his hair is actually made
of fire.
6. Contrary to popular science theories, the earth actually
revolves around Gary Roberts.
7. The book of Revelations was actually written by Gary
Roberts in a moment of prophecy.
8. Gary Roberts has beaten more people in hand to hand
combat then you have seen in your entire life.
9. Gary Roberts is accurate to within 2 seconds in a million
years.
10. Gary Roberts invented the internet.
20
• May
2008
11. Gary Roberts has never cried… even when
he got a paper cut.
12. Gary Roberts recently bought Pandora’s
box on ebay.
13. Gary Roberts is, therefore I am.
14. Unlike most other humans, Gary Roberts
can actually
travel through the internet, exit at your PC
and kick your ass if he wants.
15. Gary Roberts puts the “I” in “Team.”
16. Gary Roberts let the dogs out. He has not
yet released a public apology for his
actions.
17. Gary Roberts will kick you and it will
hurt..…forever.
18. One does not punch Gary Roberts; Gary
Roberts head butts one’s fist.
19. When Gary Roberts bleeds, oak trees
sprout up from where the blood fell.
20. Gary Roberts once destroyed the entire
world, but rebuilt it faster then the human
mind can comprehend, so no one noticed.
21. Gary Roberts wrote every song that 50
Cent ever sang.
22. Gary Roberts can fit 5 billiard balls in his
mouth.
23. Some kids piss their name in the snow.
Gary Roberts can piss his name into
concrete.
24. Gary Roberts once visited the Virgin
Islands. They are now The Islands.
25. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill
99.9 percent of germs. Gary Roberts can
kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
26. Gary Roberts counted to infinity - twice.
27. Gary Roberts does not sleep. He waits.
28. Gary Roberts can speak Braille.
29. On a high school math test, Gary Roberts put down
"Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on t
the test because Gary Roberts solves all his problems with
Violence.
30. If you spell Gary Roberts wrong on Google it doesn't say,
"Did you mean Gary Roberts?" It simply replies, "Run
while you still have the chance."
31. Gary Roberts owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It
helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite
him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly
card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from
the game Uno.
32. Gary Roberts once won a game of Connect Four in 3
moves.
FEATURE
33. Gary Roberts can do a wheelie on
a unicycle.
34. Gary Roberts can delete the
Recycling Bin.
35. When the Boogeyman goes to
sleep every night he checks his
closet for Gary Roberts.
36. Once a cobra bit Gary Roberts'
leg. After five days of excruciating
pain, the cobra died.
37. Gary Roberts was originally cast
as the main character in 24, but
was replaced by the producers
when he managed to kill every
terrorist and save the day in 12
minutes and 37 seconds.
38. Gary Roberts doesn't cheat death.
He wins fair and square.
39. Gary Roberts can slam revolving
doors.
40. Giraffes were created when Gary
Roberts upper cut a horse.
41. Superman owns a pair of Gary
Roberts pajamas.
42. Gary Roberts doesn't read books.
He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.
43. Gary Roberts sleeps with a night
light. Not because Gary Roberts is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is
afraid of Gary Roberts.
44. Gary Roberts' dog is trained to
pick up his own poop because
Gary Roberts will not take shit
from anyone.
45. Gary Roberts can kill two stones
with one bird.
46. When Gary Roberts gives you the
finger, he's telling you how many
seconds you have left to live.
47. Gary Roberts was once on
Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and
was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show
consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting
for the wheel to stop.
48. Death once had a near-Gary-Roberts experience.
49. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Gary Roberts' PC will
crash.
50. Gary Roberts can have both skates on the ice and kick ass
at the same time.
Did You Know:
The Penguin nickname came from the fact that the team was
going to play in a new arena (Civic Arena) that had the
nickname “Igloo”. A Penguin logo was chosen and the
“Golden Triangle” behind it symbolized Pittsburgh.
May 2008 •
21
HUMOR
Answers Given By 2nd Grade School Children
To The Following Questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He
just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they
mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other
mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's
moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other
stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would
be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she
married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does
he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs
and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my
Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because
dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff
under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do
than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to
work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power
cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at
your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without
medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside, she's already perfect. Outside, I think some
kind of plastic surgery.
2. Dye it. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what
would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my
sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the
back of her head.
Oral Sex Survey .... Results...
5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they
liked best about 'Oral Sex':
A.. 3% liked the warmth.
B.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.
C.. 93% appreciated the silence.
Any questions.........Silence is GOLDEN
22
• May
2008
HUMOR
Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step
program first!
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store. 2. Arrange to have your salary paid
directly to their head office. 3. Go home. 4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple
who already are parents and berate them about their... 1.
Methods of discipline. 2. Lack of patience. 3. Appallingly low
tolerance levels. 4. Allowing their children to run wild. 5.
Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and
overall behavior. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your
life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel... 1.
Get home from work and immediately begin walking around
the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to
static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat
cold food with one hand for dinner) 2. At 10PM, put the bag
gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. 3.
Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the
bag, until 1AM. 4. Set the alarm for 3AM. 5. As you can't get
back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an
infomercial. 6. Go to bed at 2:45AM. 7. Get up at 3AM when
the alarm goes off. 8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work
(work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look
cheerful and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out... 1.
Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it
there all summer. 3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed. 4.
Then rub them on the clean walls. 5. Take your favorite book,
photo album, etc. Wreck it. 6. Spill milk on your new pillows.
Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. 1. Buy an
octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh. 2. Attempt
to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang
out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you
can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family
cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. 2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD
player. 3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies.
Mash them into the back seat.Sprinkle cheerios all over the
floor, then smash them with your foot. 4. Run a garden rake
along both sides of the car.
24
• May
2008
Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing
you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an
excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child,
then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's
groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily
accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon. 2. Make a small hole in the side. 3.
Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. 4.
Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them
into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. 5.
Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. 6. Tip half into your
lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You are now ready
to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street ,
Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing
else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least
five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly
the point.
Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy'
repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay
between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of
a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car
everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready
to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while
playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You
are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there
is a child in the room.
This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say
'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do
and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it.
Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important
things you'll need when you become a parent!
A Lesson in Church
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was
sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who
created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with
her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest
looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman
poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and
screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she
didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her
husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that
thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest
smiled and said, "That's right."
presents
Ladies Room
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts
to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been
occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. “Sir,” she said
“You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any
of the buttons on the wall.” He did what he needed to, and as
he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to
touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP,
and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched
them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was
sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he
thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm
air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When
this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to
this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than
a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff
completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR
button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing
he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he
exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR
button. "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
New this year!
Mighty Mutts Dog Show
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the homeless residents of
AnimalFriends
Sunday, May 18 | 9am - 1pm
Riverfront Park at Pittsburgh’s North Shore
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Steeler
Brett Kiesel
ZZZThinkingOutsideTheCageRUJ
Cris Winter
with a little help from our friends
Amish Sex
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old
buggy one cold, blustery day. The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'The mother replied, 'Put them
between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.' The
daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the
daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands
are freezing cold.' The girl replied, “Put them between my
legs.” The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and
warmed his hands.The following day, the boyfriend was again
in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my
body will warm it up'. He did and warmed his nose. The next
day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he
said, 'My penis is frozen solid.' The following day the
daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and
she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Slightly concerned the mother said, 'Why, yes.. Why do you
ask?!' The daughter replies: 'They make one heck of a mess
when they defrost, don't they!?'
Hot Metal Hellions
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Crazy Roller Derby Action! Family Friendly Fun!
Saturday May 17 at BladeRunners-Harmarville
Doors open at 5:30 • Events start at 6:30 • Entertainment at Halftime
Tickets are $10 in advance • $15 at the door • Children under 10 are free
go to www.steelcityderbydemons.com for more information
May 2008 •
25
HUMOR
Black Robbers
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a
bucketful of Quarters at a slot machine.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in
the Hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the
Quarters in her room. “I'll be right back and we'll go to eat"
she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the
elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she
noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of
them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman
froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.'
Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like
perfectly nice Gentlemen. ' But racial stereotypes are powerful,
and fear immobilized her. Avoiding eye contact, she turned
around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A
second passed, and then another second, and then another.
Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic
consumed her. “My God” she thought, “I'm trapped and
about to be robbed!”
Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to
do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as
she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A
shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money and
spare me', she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one
of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor
you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it
had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying
mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head
and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her
up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my
friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, I meant
that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. Ididn't mean
for you to hit the floor, ma'am. He spoke genially. He bit his
lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of
myself.' She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them
gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When
the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking
her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and
they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At
her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her
room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they
walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off.
She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner
with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to
her room; a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp
one hundred-dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best
laugh we've had in years." It was signed; Eddie Murphy &
Michael Jordan.
The Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She
knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was
shocked to see her daughter-in- law laying on the couch,
totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughterin- law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law
exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law
explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me to
wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get
enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home,
she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed
the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for
her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He
walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are
you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered,
sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
Redneck Love Poem
Susie Lee done fell in love; - She planned to marry Joe – She
was so happy ‘bout it all – she told her pappy so. Pappy told
her, Susie Gal, you’ll have to find another. - I’d just as soon
yo’ ma don’t know, - but, Joe is yo’ half brother. – So Susie
put aside her Joe and planned to marry Will - But after telling
Pappy this – He said, there’s trouble still. – You can’t marry
Will, my gal, - and please don’t tell your mother, - But Will and
Joe, and several mo’ – I know is yo’ half brother. – But Mama
knew and said, my child, - just do what make yo’ happy. –
Marry Will or marry Joe. – You ain’t no kid to Pappy.
26
• May
2008
HUMOR
Job Opening
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the
background checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the
FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and
handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the
room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!" The
man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the
same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All
was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in
his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You
don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went
into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. There was
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few
minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun
is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.
Health Care In Heaven
Three men died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter
asked the first man who he was. 'My name is Dr. Jones. I
pioneered and developed the techniques for open heart
surgery. Because of my work on earth, thousands of people all
around the world have lived longer, healthier lives. Surely
there's a place for me in heaven.' 'Yes,' Peter said, 'come on
in.' The second man approached and said, 'St. Peter, my
name is Dr. Smith. I pioneered and developed techniques for
premature babies. Today there are thousands of children in the
world whose lives were saved at birth because of my work.
Surely there's a place for me in heaven.' 'Yes, come on in,'
said Peter. St. Peter asked the third man who he was. 'My
name is Mr. Johnson. I originated and developed the idea for
HMO's. Because of my ideas on managed care and the
efficiencies I developed, billions of dollars have been saved in
the health care industry. Surely there's a place for me in
heaven.' 'Yes,' said Peter, 'come on in. But you can only stay 3
days.'
didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. The married
woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
night. When my husband came home, I was wearing the
leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my
eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
Never Make Your Wife Angry
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she
dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the
tool shed in the back yard and put his 'manhood' in a vice.
She secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she
picked up a hack saw. The husband was terrified, and
screamed, “Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in
her husband's hand and said, “Nope. I'm going to set the
shed on fire...................You do whatever you have to.”
Viagra and an 85 Year Old
An 85 year old man goes into the pharmacy to get his
prescription of Viagra filled. He asks the pharmacist if he could
cut the pills in fourths. The pharmacist replies, sure sir,
however it won’t get you an erection with only a ¼ of a pill.
The man replies, at 85, I don’t need an erection, I just want it
up enough so that I don’t pee on my shoes!
Differences
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress,
are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze
their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras,
stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they
meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend
came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall
stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the
woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night
long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at
his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask
over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he
May 2008 •
27
HUMOR
Letters
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American
company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine
products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's
PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-awardwinning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never
go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer
clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary FlexiWings. Kudos on being the only company smartenough to
realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't
tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing
there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my
time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already
feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a
few minutes from now, m body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body
amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly
happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.
Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and
cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's
a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told
her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken
chimps.? Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize
that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri
pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last
month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the
adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you freaking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of
your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual
smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual
period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind
of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy'
about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin
and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle
and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have
to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make
more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put
down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or
are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I
have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And
though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one
minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's
a promise I will keep.
Best,
Wendi Aarons - Austin , TX
Grandpa’s On The Porch Again
A grandson noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the
rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the
waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is
out in the wind for everyone to see!". The old man looked off
in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on
below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked
at him and said "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt
on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
Pittsburgher And A Redneck
Bob, a construction worker from Pittsburgh was working in
West Virginia. When lunchtime rolled around, he opens his
lunch box and takes out his thermos – Bubba is sitting next to
him and asks… what is that? Bob says, it’s a thermos. What
does it do, asks Bubba? Bob explains that it keeps hot things
hot and cold things cold. He pours Bubba a cup of hot
steaming coffee, Bubba is amazed as he tells Bob that he has
to get himself one of those. So.. next day, sure enough Bob is
sitting next to Bubba again having lunch… Bubba pulls out his
brand new plaid thermos, Bob asks.. hey, Bubba, what’s you
got in your thermos? Bubba replies, chicken soup and a
popsicle!
The Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a
vacuum cleaner. “Good morning,” Said the young man. “If I
could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to
demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum
cleaners.” “Go Away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any
money.” And she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the
young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide
open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a
bucket of horse manure all over her hallway carpet. “If this
vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder.” “Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a good
appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.”
May 2008 •
29
HUMOR
Government Agencies
150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was
the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, the
federal government has produced a large number of multiletter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.
Now we have the 'Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
Service.' Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men
and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across
their backs:
F AT A S S - The FATASS's are of course supervised by a
special section of the Home Land Security Section known as
Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement
Section or the A S S H O L E S - I feel safer already.
Why I fired my Secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking
up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my
wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she
barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday." I
thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will
remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
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30
• May
2008
and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty
low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my
secretary, Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked
on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day
outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to
lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the
greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose
instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis
each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back
to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I
responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She
said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "
Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for
just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she
came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my
wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all
singing "Happy Birthday". And I just sat there... On the
couch... Naked.
Naval Retirement
The Navy found that they had too many officers, so they
decided to offer early retirement bonuses as an incentive. They
promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of
$1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any
two points on his body. The officer was able to choose what
those two points would be. The first officer who accepted,
asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip
of his toes. He was measured at six feet, and walked out with
a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a
little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his
outstretched hands over his head to his toes. He walked out
with $96,000. The third one, a non-commissioned officer, was
grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be
measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension administrator that he might
want to reconsider, explaining about the rather large checks
the previous two officers had just received. But the old Chief
insisted, so they decided to go along with him, providing the
measurement was taken by a commissioned navy medical
officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to
"drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer then placed the
tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to
work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are
your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied.... "Vietnam".
Because I’m a Man
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle
with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling
the AAA is not an option. I will win. Because I'm a man, when
the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at
the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man
shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to
fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink
a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion. Because I'm
a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a
woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no
problem. Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase
basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I
know, these are the same thing. Because I'm a man, when one
of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart,
despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much
once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together. Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it...though
one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies
to engineers mainly). Because I'm a man, there is no need to
ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always
either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex,
sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you
ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have
your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or
think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her
for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't
forget to pick up something for my mother, too. Because I'm a
man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are,
if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the
name and recommend it to others. Because I'm a man, I think
what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing
five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With
the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now? Because I'm a man, and this is, after all,
the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just
do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and
the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the
garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
A Man Walks Out Of A Bar Totally
Hammered...
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted
by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be
sober!"
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May 2008 •
31
HUMOR
Mommy & "Uncle" Frank
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a
round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife
that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around
at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones
home."Hello?" says a little girl's voice."Hi, honey, it's Daddy,"
says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?""No, Daddy. She's
upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."After a brief pause,
Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!""Yes, I
do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!""Okay,
then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to
Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside
the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl
comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?""Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with
no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped
over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all
dead.""Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?""He jumped
out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and
he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But
he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water
to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now
he's dead too." There is a long pause."Swimming pool? Is this
854-7039?"
Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work
1. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're
an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
Three Things In Life That:
Once Gone, Never Come Back:
1. Time 2. Words 3 Opportunity
That can destroy a person:
1. Anger 2. Pride 3. Un-forgiveness
That you should never lose:
1. Hope 2. Peace 3. Honesty
That are most valuable:
1. Love 2. Family & Friends 3. Kindness
That are never certain:
1. Fortune 2. Success 3. Dreams
That make a person:
1. Commitment 2. Sincerity 3. Hard work
32
• May
2008
HUMOR
Men Vs. Women
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each
throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom
is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and
she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get
the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and romances, best
friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Adam Talks All About Eve
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden
with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him
and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask
questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so
beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so
soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make
her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem
ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
May 2008 •
33
HUMOR
42 Things In The Life Of An Italian Child
1. You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every
day for an entire year after a funeral.
2. You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for
lunch was pronounced "sangwich."
3. Your family dog understood Italian.
4. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent
visiting your grandparents and extended family.
5. You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting
into 50 square feet of yard during a family cookout.
6. You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you
eat three meals a day, not seven.
7. You thought killing the pig each year and having salami,
capicollo, pancetta and prosciutto hanging out to dry from
your shed ceiling was absolutely normal. (Wow, that's really
Italian!)
8. You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and
every Sunday, and laughed at the commercial for
Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti day.
9. You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price
and that the price of everything was negotiable through
haggling.
10. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
11. You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.
12. You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to
the ankles.
13. Your mom's main hobby is cleaning.
14. You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold
in stores.
15. You thought that everyone made their own tomato sauce.
16. You never ate meat on Christmas Eve or any Friday for that
matter.
17. You ate your salad after the main course.
18. You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.
19. You were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon or
broom.
20. You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of
bread in your hand.
21. You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.
22. You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.
23. All of your uncles fought in a World War.
24. You have at least six male relatives named Tony, Frank,
Joe or Louie.
25. You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.
26. You have relatives you don't speak to.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
27. You drank wine before you were a teenager.
28. You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the
Sopranos. I maka a meata ball you can't refuse!
...forrgetttabbboutit! badda bing!
29. You grew up in a house with a yard that didn't have one
patch of dirt that didn't have a flower or a vegetable
growing out of it.
30. Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting
on plastic. Wait!!!! You were sitting on plastic.
34
• May
2008
31. You thought that talking loud was normal.
32. You thought sugared almonds and the Tarantella were
common at all weddings.
33. You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and
money stuffed in their pockets by their relatives.
34. Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family
no matter what their age.
35. There was a crucifix in every room of the house.
36. Wakes would be held in someone's living room.
37. You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your
father. (Oh, and he had to be Italian)
38. You called pasta "macaroni".
39. You dreaded taking out your lunch at school.
40. Going out for a cup of coffee usually meant going out for a
cup of coffee over Zia's house.
41. Every condition, ailment, misfortune, memory loss and
accident was attributed to the fact that you didn't eat
something.
Those of you who get this... will know at least 20
people you plan on sharing it with. CIAO!
For Old Time Sake
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember
the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We
went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the
back fence and I made love to you. 'Yes', she says, 'I
remember it well. ''OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll
around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'; 'Oh
Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their
conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to
himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex
against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no
trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly
along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking
sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make
their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old
man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the
old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most
furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for
about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and
moaning an d screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting
on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has
learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back
on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this
is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. So,
as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that
was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'Shaking, the old
man is barely able to reply. “fifty years ago there wasn’t
electricity running through that fence!”
HUMOR
Browsing Old Cemeteries
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
place to go.
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And
the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me
for not rising.
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
out of tune.
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,
Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing
on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent .
Until I know which way you went.
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.
His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug
store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a
doctor.''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer
will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about
it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he
filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited
the $10. The computer started making some noise and various
lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small
slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be
better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how
amazing this new technology was and how it would change
medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine
could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and
daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He
went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in
the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made
the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your
tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has
worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put
her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin
girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop
jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Black Eyes
A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The
priest notices him and is very concerned. "What happened,
my child?" "I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed
that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and
she punched me in the eye." "Okay. But how did you get the
other black eye?" "Well, I thought I'd done something wrong.
So I put her wedgie back."
Married Couple.
A wife strips naked and asks her husband , "What turns you
on most , my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looks her up
and down and responds, "How about your amazing sense of
humor"
May 2008 •
35
HUMOR
Devil in the Church
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny
town got up early and went to the local church. Before the
services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews
and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly,
Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each
other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon
everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving...
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was
in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked
up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man
replied, "Yep, sure do."Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed
at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man
calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Ode to the Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle,
And never cruel or mean.
He has a perfect smile,
And is always neat and clean.
The Perfect Man likes children,
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a caring father,
And good husband to his bride.
The Perfect Man loves cooking,
He will clean and vacuum too.
He'll do what's in his power
To show his deep-felt love for you.
The Perfect Man is sweet,
Writing poems with your name;
He's a best friend to your mother,
And will kiss away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or caused you hurt in any way.
To hell with this endless poem and rhyme,
The Perfect Man is gay.
College Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be
out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to
the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the
second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will
cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student raised
his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
Home Truths
Son asks his mother the following question: "Mum , why are
wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and
replies , "Son this shows your friends and relatives that your
36
• May
2008
bride is pure." The son thanks his Mum and goes off to
double-check with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses
white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says ,"Son
all household appliances come in white."
Men & Women Of Chemistry
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent
out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult
to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable
to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance
it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for
prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good
samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly
decomposes and begins to smell.
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at
nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated
properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses
strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of
exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better
specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for
dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income
reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
An Act of Charity
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider
giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever
gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced
down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the
person who had placed the money in the plate. A very quiet,
elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked
her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the
pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so
much and asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes
brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to
the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take
him and him and him."
Gratitude
by: Suz Pisano
s warm weather creeps into our lives, outdoor activity
Aincreases and we remember why we love Spring so
much. This month I’m grateful for the following-
My Mom- after all, Mother’s Day is fast approaching. I
wouldn’t be the person I am today without her & I actually
like who I am. I like my brother & sister too. If you like
who you are- thank your Mom, in fact give her a call right
now.
The YMCA Downtown- it’s gigantic and really represents
community to me, everyone there is sooo nice & helpful
and just walking in there makes you want to exercise.
Plus- they have the coolest pool in town! I only regret the
years it took me to join, but it makes me thankful that I
finally did.
Stan’s Produce in the Strip- I love going there & finding
amazing deals on my fruits & veggies. Sometimes I can’t
believe how little I’ve spent for how many bags of good
stuff I’ve brought home.
The Steel City Derby Demons- I love these girls like my
sisters! I actually played on the Championship team last
year and then retired. They’re a group of women with not
only beauty, but brains and athleticism. Playing roller
derby empowered me like I never could have imagined.
Check them out @ www.steelcityderbydemons.com. Buy
a ticket to an upcoming bout- you’ll see what I mean!
Forsythia- those yellow stems you see growing all over
the place when you definitely know its Spring. I love
those flowers & think about how they seemed to last a lot
longer when I was really young. My grandma had a huge
bush beside her house and they make me think about her.
She’s been gone a long time but I bet that bush is still
there.
I hope this month’s little list brought a bright spot to your
day. Even if it’s raining, remember to look for that silver
lining inside those clouds. Soon enough the air
conditioners will be on & we’ll be looking for the
sunscreen. Until next month, let me know what you think
– [email protected].
May 2008 •
37
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