leading the meal - JEP Long Island

THE SHABBOS
GUIDE
TOOL KIT
FOR HOSTS
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
WHAT’S INSIDE:
1
PROJECT INSPIRE
SHABBOS GUIDE
COMPILED BY RABBI SIMCHA BARNETT, PROJECT INSPIRE
In acknowledgment of the following
publications quoted from in this guide:
THE SHABBOS PROJECT TOOLKIT
FRIDAY NIGHT AND BEYOND
PROJECT INSPIRE SHABBOS KIT
BW Designs 732 600 7173
JERUSALEM FELLOWSHIPS SHABBAT
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Office of S. Africa
Chief Rabbi Warren Goldstein
Lori Palatnik
Rabbi Chaim Sampson
Rabbi Nechemia Coopersmith
Project Inspire Shabbos Kit
GENERAL HOSTING GUIDELINES ........................3
Whom To Invite. How To Invite.
2
GETTING READY FOR SHABBOS ..........................5
3
LEADING THE MEAL .............................................9
4
SHABBOS DAY ....................................................23
5
HOW TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ..........................27
6
HALACHIC GUIDELINES.....................................31
7
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE FOLLOW-UP ......................33
Welcome. Shalom Aleichem. Aishes Chayil. Birchas Habanim.
Kiddush. HaMotzi. Divrei Torah. Zemiros. Benching.
Wake Up. Breakfast. Shul.
Afternoon. Seuda Shlishis. Havdalah.
A
DIVREI TORAH FOR SHABBOS..........39
B
STORIES AND ZEMIROS....................43
C
TRANSLITERATED BROCHA CARDS...47
Coming Soon!
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SOME SPECIFICS
GENERAL
GUIDELINES
FOR A GREAT
SHABBOS
BE READY EARLY
It is a good idea to be ready for Shabbos a little earlier than usual so that you
can greet your guests properly and make them feel comfortable. A nice warm
connection made at the beginning of Shabbos will usually carry over throughout your entire experience.
95% OF KIRUV IS CARING
When people feel accepted and cared for, they are touched and moved.
Who takes "strangers" into their home, treats them like royalty, gives
them their best food, and has them sleep over? Only family. With your
care, you are showing them that they are part of our family – the Jewish
People.
DON’T TRY TOO HARD
The unique radiance and holiness of Shabbos, combined with its warm
family dynamic touches the Jewish neshama in a profound way. You
don't have to do too much, or try too hard. The Shabbos experience
sells itself. Just give your guests some context for the Shabbos customs
and help them with some of the unfamiliar rituals. And most of all, be
yourself, relax, enjoy and get to know your guests!
THE GOAL
It is not our job to "make people frum;" that is in the Ribono Shel Olam’s
power. It is also not necessary to explain complicated hashkafos or to
prove anything to your guests. Our job is to make them feel comfortable, accepted and never judged. Success is sharing with your guests a
warm, spiritual experience that you all enjoy.
NOT AN INSTRUCTIONAL EXPERIENCE
Remember, you're not teaching a "Shabbos" class nor launching an educational monologue. The Torah content provided in this tool kit is just
meant to enhance your already rich Shabbos experience, and perhaps
provide some orientation and insight for your guests. Don't feel
obligated to explain every minhag or even use the materials in this kit.
Just be natural and go with the flow.
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GET YOUR GUESTS INVOLVED
Show interest in their lives and try to ask them about themselves. This can
create an atmosphere of mutual sharing and connection.
DEALING WITH HALACHIC MISTAKES
Although we will give you tips to prevent "halachic miscues" by your guests,
sometimes it happens -- a guest might mistakenly switch the lights on or do
another Shabbos melacha. In dealing with the situation, it is important to be
aware that their feeling your acceptance (and not c’v rebuke) will encourage
their Torah observance in the long run much more than anything else.
PREP THE KIDS
Speak to your children before the Shabbos, explaining that you will be having
less observant Jews in your home, and if they make halachic mistakes or they
are ignorant of basic Jewish concepts, it is only because they never had the
privilege to study in a Yeshiva. Bring your kids into the kiruv process and have
them help your guests, with things like hand washing and the bracha for
netilas yadayim and finding the place in the benchers for songs.
SELECTING THE RIGHT SHUL
If your guests are joining you for shul, it’s important to find one with a user
friendly service, with some Hebrew/English Siddurim available for your guests
(or bring an appropriate Siddur from home). If possible, select a davening
which is not too fast and one where there is singing, particularly Carlebach.
Beginners find services with music spiritually uplifting.
BRINGING FEMALE GUESTS TO SHUL
If you intend to invite female guests to Shul, take them to a minyan that has
a user-friendly mechitza and an inviting section for the women. If not, it really
might be better to "encourage" them to stay home with the women of the
home. This is particularly important for beginners. If you do bring female
guests, make sure someone in the women's section can help them with the
davening.
HOSTING GUIDELINES
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WHOM TO
INVITE
WHOM TO INVITE
Take a moment to think about all the people that you knowfriends, neighbors, business associates, salespeople in stores
that you frequent. You may even have a Jewish mailman!
Many of them are less affiliated Jews that would be perfect to
invite for Shabbos because you have an already existing relationship.
POSSIBLE APPROACH
Have you heard about the Shabbos Project? Jews from all
over the world are joining together in a Shabbos of Jewish
Unity and celebration. We would love to invite you to our
home to experience this special Shabbos, and to spend some
time together. We would be honored if you would join us!
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Project Inspire Shabbos Kit
GETTING READY
FOR SHABBOS
GETTING READY FOR SHABBOS
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WHAT THINGS SHOULD I PREPARE AHEAD OF TIME
TO MAKE MY GUESTS MORE COMFORTABLE?
1. ARTSCROLL HEBREW/ENGLISH SIDDUR for Davening.
2. NCSY TRANSLITERATED BENCHERS. (Host should also
use one, so he can call out correct page numbers)
3. TRANSLITERATED BRACHA CARD (Appendix C of this Kit)
4. KIPPAS. Have extra Kippas on hand for guests. Offer in a
friendly way. "Can I get you a Kippa for the meal (or for
davening)?"
5. LIGHTS. Make sure to tape lights that you want to remain on,
most importantly bathrooms.
6. WINE. Buy Mevushal wine for Kiddush and for use at the
Seuda.
7. GIFTS. Often guests will ask you what they can bring as a gift.
Start by telling them that it is not necessary, that "they are
your gift". If they persist, direct them to a specific bakery
or kosher store that you trust, or to buy a particular item
that you use, or tell them to bring flowers.
8. SHABBOS LAMP. If your guests are staying the entire Shabbos, make sure they have a Shabbos lamp and let them
know how it works, because it is likely they have never
seen one before.
GETTING
READY
FOR
SHABBOS
CANDLELIGHTING
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GETTING READY FOR SHABBOS
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LEADING
THE MEAL
WELCOME
The first thing that you should do when
everyone sits down is welcome your guests
and let them know how excited you and your
family are to have them join you for Shabbos.
ORIENT THEM TO WHAT IS TO COME
Many guests will never have been to an
observant family for Shabbos before and
don't know all the Minhagim of the meal. Let
them know that there will be various
customs and practices which we do before,
during and after the meal. Some liken it to a
sporting event; there is the pre-game show,
the game and the post-game show.
SHOW THEM THE PLACE
Don't just launch into Shalom Aleichem,
Aishes Chayil etc. Show your guests where
these songs appear in their bencher, offer a
simple introduction, and only begin after
they find the place.
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LEND A HAND!
Please bear in mind that it will make a powerful impression on your
guests when the men help out. This will do more than anything you
say to help dispel the myths that women in Judaism are 2nd class
citizens!
THE MEANING OF WHAT WE DO
Share with your guests some brief thoughts
about the various minhagim of Shabbos.
This should be done totally according to your
style and personality; don't feel pressure to
explain everything. Rule number one during
Shabbos is to be yourself and enjoy the
experience!
DIVREI TORAH
It is helpful to make any Divrei Torah easy to
relate to and not too long. It's also a great
experience for guests to see kids saying
Divrei Torah or answering parshah questions. Kids and their interaction with your
guests can make a big impact!
ZEMIROS
Shabbos zemiros enhance the meal and
spirituality of the experience. It is ideal to
have a bencher with English phonetics (e.g.
the NCSY bencher). Short songs or simple
niggunim without words are great as well.
Beautiful singing touches the soul.
SING BENCHING
It is also nice to sing the benching - many
people know the tune even if they are not
observant. Sharing the page numbers as
you bench is helpful.
LEADING THE MEAL
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CANDLE LIGHTING
WHAT TO DO
The custom is for the woman of the household to light (at least) two
candles (you might explain why you light more), which are lit approximately 18 minutes before sundown. First, light the candles, then circle
your arms three times to "bring in the light". After lighting the candles,
the traditional blessing should be made. (Appendix C - Transliterated
Bracha.)
THE SEUDA
Candlelighting is a very auspicious time for prayer. Close your eyes, meditate on the great blessings in your life, and utter a personal prayer to G-d,
for yourself, your family and the Jewish People.
WHAT IT MEANS
Shabbos does not just begin, we usher it in. We welcome the "Shabbos
bride" into our home with the light of our Shabbos candles. Before
creation, the universe was "chaos and void", and “darkness over the
abyss". Then G-d created light, a spiritual light that filled the world. By
following G-d's example and proclaiming, "let there be light" once a week
over our Shabbos candles, we overcome the darkness in the world by
adding spiritual light.
The Shabbos candles also symbolize the light, warmth and illumination of
Torah in our homes and in our lives. And perhaps most importantly, the
physical light helps facilitate shalom bayis, "peace in the home", between
husband and wife, parents and children, and siblings.
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LEADING THE MEAL
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GENERAL NOTE:
After explaining that the Shabbos meal is rich with customs and
song, we usher in the Shabbos Queen with a variety of songs and
blessings. Make sure your guests find the place in their benchers for
each song/ritual before you begin.
SHALOM
ALEICHEM
SHALOM ALEICHEM
Shalom Aleichem! -- the traditional greeting when two Jews meet,
and the name of the song that begins the Friday night Shabbos
meal. Shalom Aleichem - may peace be upon you!
The Talmud says that when a person comes home on Friday night
from Shul, he is accompanied by two angels, one good and one
bad. If the table is beautifully set and the house is in order, the
good angel says, "so may it again be like this next week", and the
bad angel must say “Amen - so may it be”. But if the house is a
mess - both physically and emotionally - then the bad angel says,
“so may it be like this next week”, and the good angel is forced to
say “Amen”.
Shabbos is more than a time of peace, it is a time of "completeness", where the physical and spiritual merge - within us and in our
homes. When the good angel blesses us, he is saying that everything is complete, as it should be. He's telling us that we're home.
Appreciate it, enjoy it and may it be like this for you and your family
again next Shabbos!
NOTE:
Let your guest know it is customary to sing each stanza three times
(if that is your custom).
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LEADING THE MEAL
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BLESSING
THE
CHILDREN
EISHES
CHAYIL
AISHES CHAYIL
A tribute to the "Woman of Valor", King Solomon's profound
Eishes Chayil refers allegorically (according to different commentators) to the Divine Presence, Shabbos, the Torah, or the
Soul. The Jewish woman is chosen as the symbol for these
lofty spiritual concepts because she is most often the animating force for bringing spirituality into our homes.
On Shabbos, as we slow down from the hectic pace of the
work week, we become more aware of the many blessings in
our lives. In a Jewish home, it all starts with the women, who
provide so much for their families, including the special Shabbos that we are about to enjoy together. How appropriate it
is, therefore, to show them our sincere appreciation right at
the start of our Shabbos meal, by serenading them with the
beautiful Aishes Chayil song!
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WHAT TO DO
If your guest brings children, tell them that there is a beautiful family
custom to bless each child individually. Place your hands on the
child’s head and recite the appropriate blessing. Feel free to add your
own blessing, words of praise and gestures of affection. And remember - you're never too old to receive a blessing from your parents!
(See Appendix C - Transliterated Bracha.)
WHAT IT MEANS
We bless our daughters that they should be like the matriarchs Sarah,
Rivka, Rachel and Leah. You would expect that the blessing for our
boys would be to make them like Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Instead,
we bless them to be like Ephraim and Menashe, the two sons of
Joseph. Why?
Ephraim and Menashe were born in Egypt, and lived their lives
outside of Israel and far from the spiritual household of their grandfather Jacob. Yet, they remained faithful to Jewish tradition. Furthermore, they stood by each other throughout their lives, even as they
went through situations that could easily have caused jealousy and
division. We want our children to love each other and stand together,
and be united in their commitment to our beautiful Tradition.
LEADING THE MEAL
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WHAT IT MEANS
The word Kiddush means holiness and through our words that we
recite over a cup of wine, we declare that this day is special, unique -set aside from the rest of the week. We feel this more elevated and
spiritual state on Shabbos, as we pull back from the normal activities of
the work-week. And from this special place we are able to connect to others, to ourselves and to G-d.
We also thank G-d for the great gift of Shabbos, and highlight the fact
that He gave it to us b'ratzon - willingly, and b'ahava, lovingly. And as
the Rabbis point out, the Jewish People accepted the Shabbos eagerly.
It was reciprocal - G-d gave it out of love and we accepted it out of
love. Each week, through the Kiddush, we reaffirm this special bond of
love between the Jewish People and G-d anew!
KIDDUSH
NOTE TO HOST:
After you make Kiddush and before drinking from the cup pour less
than half of the contents of your cup into another glass, drink from
your cup, and use the glass to give Kiddush to your guests. You may
want to fill the glass before-hand with grape-juice/wine, to expedite
distribution. You can also pour a drop from this glass into pre-filled
small cups and give them out to your guests. Some, even have the
custom of giving their guests pre-poured small cups with grape
juice/wine before the host makes the kiddush, which they would drink
at the conclusion of kiddush.
WHAT TO DO
Before you make Kiddush, remind your guests that you are about to
recite the Kiddush in fulfillment of the Torah's commandment,
"Remember the Sabbath Day to Sanctify It", that you will be fulfilling
this mitzvah/commandment on their behalf, and all they have to do it
answer amen at the end of your blessing.
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LEADING THE MEAL
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NOTE FOR YOUR GUESTS: The reason we remain silent is that the
washing is just the first part of the mitzvah which culminates with the
HaMotzi blessing, so we don't want to create an interruption until we complete the mitzvah.
This can take a while, especially if there is a big crowd on hand, so who
ever likes to talk the most should wash last. :)
MOTZI
NOTE FOR THE HOST: Someone from the family should help your
guests with the washing and the blessing. This is a great job to give your
kids; they love it and so do the guests! Also, make sure to have a transliterated version of the bracha handy for your guests to recite, and/or have
them repeat after you.
WHY WE DIP THE CHALLAH INTO SALT
Salt does not decompose, and is therefore a symbol of the eternal relationship that we have with G-d as individuals and as part of the Jewish People.
Also, salt brings the flavor which is contained within the food to the surface.
So too, the spiritual dimension of Shabbos helps bring to the surface our
own inherent spirituality.
THE MEANING OF THE TWO CHALLOS
Note: People usually are hungry by the time the Challah comes out, so if you
choose to discuss the meaning of the Minhag, do if after everyone gets a piece!
WHAT IT MEANS AND WHAT WE DO
Explain to your guests that you are about to make the Motzi over the
Challah, and that we wash our hands to emulate the Kohanim, the
Jewish Priests, who would wash their hands before ministering to G-d
in the Holy Temple. Our Shabbos table is similarly considered an altar
to G-d and therefore we wash our hands in preparation.
We pour water over our hands from a special decorative "washing
cup", pouring over the right hand twice and then the left, we say the
blessing and then we are silent until we take a bite of the Challah.
(Appendix C - Transliterated Bracha Card.)
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We eat two Challos on Shabbos to remind us of the double portion of
Manna that fell for our ancestors in the desert on the eve of Shabbos.
After the Jewish People left Egypt, we collected Manna – literally bread
that fell from Heaven, every day. On Friday, however, G-d gave us an extra
portion so we wouldn’t have to collect food on this Holy day. Without the
need to gather our Shabbos meals, we were able to recognize how fortunate we were to receive Manna on a daily basis. Similarly, when we stop
and rest today, we begin to appreciate all of the physical bounty in our
lives. This gives G-d good reason to continue to shower us with blessing
in the coming week.
Also, the manna symbolizes trust and faith in G-d; that we rely on G-d for
everything. The Jews in the desert lived hand to mouth; with only the
ability to collect Manna for one day at a time. The double portion on Friday
was a powerful reminder to them and to us, that G-d gives us what we
need 24/7 even if we only work 24/6.
LEADING THE MEAL
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SEUDAMOTZI
THE SEUDA
The Seuda is a great time to get to know your guests better, enjoy the great
food and enhance the experience by sharing Divrei Torah and Zemiros.
However, don't force the action. There will be meals where you are so
involved with great discussion, or you have been relating Jewish ideas
regarding the various Shabbos minhagim all along, that you may not choose
to say formal Divrei Torah and/or sing Zemiros. That's OK; let the meal
unfold naturally.
DIVREI TORAH
Vorts should be short, translated into English where appropriate and be as
relatable as possible to your guests. Ideas which give them insights into
living and deal with issues bein adam l'chaveiro seem to be well received, as
are stories.
It's also a great experience for guests to see kids saying Divrei Torah and
answering parshah questions, especially if the kids are excited about it!
A few appropriate Divrei Torah appear in Appendix A, though feel free to
share your own. Also, remember, don't force the Divrei Torah.
(See Appendix A for good, short kiruv-oriented vorts for Parshas
Noach)
ZEMIROS
If you sing Zemiros, the NCSY bencher with English phonetics is ideal. Short
songs or simple nigunim without words are great. Songs they may know are
especially good, such as Hinay Mah Tov, Oseh Shalom Bimromav, Dovid
Melech Yisrael, and Am Yisrael Chai.
You may want to combine a story with a song, or even tell a story as a Dvar
Torah.
(See Appendix B for short songs and complementary short stories.)
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MAYIM ACHARONIM
This is a custom rooted in history and kabbala. But on a simple level, we
sanctify our hands before we offer blessings to G-d, removing any residue
and any harmful substances that might be on our fingertips. (In Temple
times Melach S'domis, though according to the Oruch Hashulchan even today
in sea salt)
Note:
If your wives don't participate in Mayim Acharonim, it might be better for the
men to wash in the kitchen, so as not to offend any female guests, who may
not understand why men wash and (many) women don't. Another approach
would be to bring the mayim acharonim out and tell your guests, some
women have the custom to wash some don't, and invite the female guests to
wash, if they wish.
BENCHING
The meal concludes with the Birkas HaMazon (or "benching", in Yiddish), the
multi-faceted after-blessing said at the end of a meal which includes bread.
This series of brachos thank G-d for the myriad of His kindnesses to us,
including our sustenance, the land of Israel, and offers prayers to arouse His
mercy to restore us to the Land of Israel, with a renewed Davidic Monarchy
and a rebuilt Holy Temple (Beis HaMikdash).
Note: Many less-affiliated Jews are familiar with the traditional tune to
Benching (particularly the first paragraph), and love to participate in the singing. It is recommended that you sing the benching together, even if that is
not your usual custom. (If you see that your guests are running out of steam,
you may suggest that they can stop at Al Yichasreinu.)
LEADING THE MEAL
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SHABBOS
DAY
WAKE UP CALL
Many less-affiliated Jews sleep in on weekend mornings. However, on Friday night you
should let them know what the schedule is
for Shabbat day, including davening. Ask
them if they would like to go and whether
you should wake them. (Again, choose a
davening which is user-friendly and femalefriendly so your guests will have a positive
experience.) Don't push your guests to
daven if you don't feel it will be a good experience for them.
If you don't discuss this at night, it can be
awkward for you if they sleep late and you
don't know if and when to wake them.
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BREAKFAST
Many less affiliated Jews are used to eating
and drinking something in the morning. Let
your guests know how to get coffee and/or
tea, and it is permissible to put out some
light food for them to take. They do not
need to make Kiddush.
SEUDAS SHABBOS
You did so well last night, you are all set to
have a really enjoyable lunch with your
guests. See above and repeat, with cholent.
SHABBOS AFTERNOON
Introduce them to the joys of Shabbos Shmoozing, Taking Walks, Schluffing and
Learning! (You can explain that ‘Shabbat’ is
Roshei Teivos - ‘Shaina B’Shabbos Taanug’!)
SHALOSH SEUDOS
A typical Shul Shalosh Seudos is not always
the ideal context for Kiruv. Unless your Shul
has a particularly inspiring Shalosh Seudos,
or your Community is hosting a Communal
meal/event, it might be better to make Shalosh Seudos at home. It is a more personal
experience which your guests will appreciate
and you can structure it in a way which will
enhance the experience for all.
SHABBOS DAY
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HAVDALA
HAVDALA
Just as we bring in the Shabbos with a declaration - the Kiddushand wine, so too do we see it out with a declaration – Havdala and wine. We bookend the holy Shabbos, separating it - which
is what Havdala means - from the mundane work week ahead.
THE CANDLE
The last act of work performed on the eve of Shabbos was
candle-lighting, ushering in the Holy Day. The first creative
action of the new week is lighting a multi-wicked candle, symbolically drawing the spiritual light of Shabbos into the week
ahead. Using fire as the first creative act of the week, beckons
man to utilize all of his creative powers towards a spiritual end -to build rather than destroy.
We shine the light against our fingernails to derive tangible benefit from it, but also to remind us of a midrash that describes
Adam's body as made of "translucent fingernail material". Just
as the fingernail allows light to pass through it to reveal what's
underneath, so too Adam's body revealed its spiritual essence.
As we go into the work week, with its emphasis on the physical,
we "shine a light" upon our true spiritual essence.
BESAMIM
As we exit Shabbos, we lose our enhanced level of spirituality.
We smell spices, to "revive" our spirits, bringing the sweet smell
of spirituality into the week ahead, until we can once again come
together to greet the Shabbos Queen.
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SHABBOS DAY
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HOW TO
ANSWER
QUESTIONS
F.A.Q.
1
YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS.
First of all, you don't need to be a Kiruv professional nor have
all the answers to create a great Shabbos experience for your
guests. Kiruv is really not about answering questions, as much
as it is about creating deep and meaningful relationships with
people.
You should know, less-affiliated Jews aren't waiting to pepper
the first Orthodox Jew they meet with their questions. And
although sometimes their questions can be challenging, most
of the time they tend to be informational in nature. What's
more, you will be surprised that you know most of the
answers to the questions that they will ask.
2
WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER
TO THEIR QUESTION?
Here’s an Approach. First, realize that by them asking you
a good, deep question, it probably points to their interest and
engagement in Yiddishkeit. So first, before you pass out, give
yourself a pat on the back :)
And then what do you do? Say to them that it is a great question, one you may have never thought to delve into, and that
you don't know the answer. Now that wasn’t so hard!
Actually, besides being TRUE, it is actually a very good Kiruv
strategy. Firstly, it validates and compliments them on their
thoughtfulness and perspective. Also, it conveys an important
unspoken message that we are all Jews, growing in our relationship to G-d and Torah. We never arrive; we are always
learning and climbing the ladder.
Tachlis: They will respect you for saying you don't know and
it will also give you an opportunity to look up the answer, and
share it with them at a later time. Who knows, this could be
your entree to forming an ongoing one-on-one learning relationship!
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HOW TO ANSWER QUESTIONS
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ANSWER THE QUESTION - LATER!
If you feel that the person is sincerely interested in an answer,
validate them for asking the question and tell them that it's an
important, yet complex issue which we really can't do justice to
at the Shabbos table. Then offer to either go through it with
them at another time (if you are able) or find the appropriate,
article, CD or person that can answer it for them.
DEVELOP CONTEXT AND ANSWER AT A LATER DATE
Many times questions come from a lack of knowing the basics
of Jewish thought. In these instances, validate the person and
the question by agreeing that it is a good question. However,
suggest that it requires a much broader context of knowledge
about Judaism, its goals and beliefs to answer. As the person
learns more about Judaism, this narrow issue seen in context
will look less troublesome, and he/she will at least have a more
reasonable basis to judge it for him/herself.
3
WHAT SHOULD I DO IF THEY ASK CHALLENGING OR
CONFRONTATIONAL QUESTIONS?
There are Orthodox practices and beliefs which the average
less-affiliated Jew may have misconceptions about or problems
with such as homosexuality, women’s issues, legitimacy of
other streams of Judaism, evolution, the army in Israel, suffering etc.
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First off, don’t worry. Although these issues come up occasionally, most often people just enjoy the atmosphere and spirituality of Shabbos and the connection with each other. Second,
an important principle to keep in mind regarding sensitive
issues is that the better, more developed the relationship is
with your guest, the easier it is to discuss even the most difficult issues. However, if your relationship is still developing it is
best to avoid confrontational topics. Best to not address them
head-on but to navigate around them using the following techniques:
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MAKE A JOKE
For a person with a good sense of humor, sometimes a joke is
a great way to diffuse the tension caused by a challenging
question, and it often deflects the issue. However, never
disparage the questioner or belittle the issue with your joke.
For example, women sometimes note “how patriarchal Torah
Judaism seems to be”. A man might deflect this comment with
the light-hearted quip, “Why are you asking me that question,
I am one of the Oppressors;’”, you should ask my wife if you
want a straight answer! “
LET IT PASS
Just remember, you are not the defender of Orthodox Judaism.
Sometimes, the best strategy is just to let them talk and get it
off of their chest. Not every question has to be answered,
every time.
HOW TO ANSWER QUESTIONS
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HALACHIC GUIDELINES
FOR
THE SHABBOS PROJECT
We have put together some guidelines for kiruv-related Halachic
issues that may come up. These are based on the psakim of Rav
Dovid Cohen shlit"a and Rav Yitzchak Oelbaum shlit"a, and were
approved for Project Inspire by Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky shlit"a.
It is nonetheless always good to consult with your own Rov, but
we have provided these guidelines for anyone who feels that
they would benefit.
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INVITING NON-FRUM GUESTS FOR SHABBOS
You can invite guests by asking them to come for the Shabbos
and offering them a place to stay for the night. Once you have
done this, you have taken off the lifnei iver and thereafter if they
do not stay it is their own decision.
STAM YAYNUM
L’chatchilah it is advisable to use yayin mevushel.
B’di’eved (if there was a problem), you can rely on the heterim
that there is not a problem with a tinok sh’nishba. It is also
important to be aware that the issue is only shayich if the nonfrum Jew pours the wine or actually touches the wine itself.
SHAKING HANDS IF A NON-FRUM WOMEN OFFERS HER
HAND
L’chatchilah one should try to avoid shaking hands with a
woman if you can (e.g. hold seforim when your guests arrive,
mention you have a bit of a cold etc. Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky
shlit”a paskens that in the event that you cannot avoid it, you
can shake the woman’s hand to avoid embarrassment.
Project Inspire Shabbos Kit
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RECITING KIDDUSH OR DIVREI TORAH IN FRONT A
WOMAN WHOSE HAIR IS UNCOVERED
You can rely on the Oruch Hashulchan who is matir reciting
Kiddush in front of a woman whose hair is uncovered, although
l’chatchilah it is ideal to either close your eyes or look in the
siddur.
If the woman is not dressed in a tznius way, a person should
turn away a little to the side when saying Kiddush or saying
Divrei Torah.
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KOL ISHAH AND NIGUNIM
It is permissible for the non-frum women to sing along if men
are singing the nigunim as well.
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FLOWERS BROUGHT ON SHABBOS
If a non-frum person brings flowers on Shabbos, one can take
them and put them in a vase without water in them.
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OFFERING BREAKFAST BEFORE SHUL OR IF YOUR
GUESTS STAY AT YOUR HOME DURING THE DAVENING
If you see that your guests are expecting some kind of food or
that it would be inappropriate not to offer them something
before Kiddush in the morning, it is permissible to put out some
light food for them to have. They do not need to make Kiddush.
HALACHIC GUIDELINES
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RELATIONSHIP
DEVELOPMENT IS KEY
NEXT STEPS
POST-SHABBOS RELATIONSHIP BUILDING
Hopefully the Shabbos experience has either been the beginning of a
new relationship or deepened an existing friendship. The relationship
is like the foundation of a home. Just like you can't build upper floors
without a foundation, so too you can't be mekarev someone without
developing a solid relationship. Sometimes this will involve Yiddishkeit, other times it will involve dates for coffee or lunch, just to create
and expand the relationship that you have begun. Realize that this is
every bit as much kiruv as inviting them for Shabbos and/or learning.
MAKE LIGHT BUT CONSISTENT JEWISH TOUCHES
Start out slowly, but begin to share Jewish thoughts, videos and
articles with your less-affiliated contacts, particularly on subjects in
which they have expressed interest. Peruse websites like Aish.com
for interesting relevant articles/videos that you can send. Never inundate (no more than twice per month), and always make it personal.
Contemporary issues facing the Jewish world and articles about Israel
are always good. Keep the articles parve to begin with and over time
you can make them more Torah-oriented. If you come across good
articles on Jewish content from the mainstream press (like the NY
Times or Wall Street Journal) they tend to make a greater impact due
to their "perceived credibility".
IT’S ALL IN THE FOLLOW UP
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Project Inspire Shabbos Kit
FOLLOW UP
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NEXT STEPS
ONE-ON-ONE LEARNING
Establishing a Chavrusa is a great way to deepen the kiruv relationship. It provides a consistent point of connection for a developing
relationship and brings the power of Torah to bear to move it forward.
For some people, learning might be something they would enjoy off
the bat, and may feel it a real honor that you asked. For others, it
may be a little more of an advanced step. You have to feel them out
on this one. One way to approach it is just to ask them over coffee or
lunch, “have you ever thought about doing any Jewish learning – on
an adult level, beyond the bar/bat mitzvah prep?” If they react positively, it is a great opportunity to suggest that you begin a Chavrusa
together.
WHAT TO LEARN
Chumash and Pirke Avos are always good to start with, as is the
Artscroll Siddur. Project Inspire also has designed a curriculum called
the "Higher Ground Learning Series", for those who may not be ready
for text learning. We also have a book list, from which you can pick a
title on almost any area of Jewish thought and practice to learn with
your partner.
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Project Inspire Shabbos Kit
EVENTS AND CLASSES IN YOUR AREA OR AT WORK
A great way to advance the kiruv relationship is to invite your
contact to kiruv-oriented Torah events or classes in their area. The
most effective method is for you to go with them. Project Inspire
offers a great monthly speaker series in Manhattan on Monday
Nights at Mendy's Deli, where Jewish men and women of various
backgrounds meet to hear entertaining speakers and enjoy great
deli.
In addition to this specific program in Manhattan, find out about
local kiruv classes and events and invite your friends. For example,
Project Inspire and other Kiruv groups sponsor “Lunch and Learn”
programs in various Manhattan offices.
FOLLOW UP
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NEXT STEPS
TAKE A TRIP TO ISRAEL
One of the most high-impact kiruv experiences possible is a trip to
Israel. Look for trips for your less-affiliated friends, their spouses and
children. For example, the Jewish Womens’ Rennaisance Project Trips
for Moms and Dads are exteremly impactful on the participants, and
help forge relationships far beyond the duration of the trip. Make sure
the trips you recommend are run by Orthodox Kiruv Organizations,
because not all Israel trips are created equal!
SIMCHAS
Family Simchas in the frum community are very meaningful spiritual
events as compared with their secular counterparts. They can make
a big impression on your non-frum friends. An invitation to your
Simcha also sends the message that they are part of your extended
family, and enhances the bond which you are developing.
FUTURE SHABBOS INVITATIONS
As you’ve hopefully discovered through the experience, Shabbos is an
extremely important Kiruv tool. Invite them again, several times a
year as the relationships develops. When a new guest leaves after
Shabbos and tells the hosts that they had a great time, a great reply
is, “We only know if that’s true if you come back again!”
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Project Inspire Shabbos Kit
HAVE A
WONDERFUL
SHABBOS
Feel free to peruse this tool kit, and incorporate within your
Shabbos experience any ideas and practices which resonate
with you. Most of all, we hope you enjoy your guests and
may you be zocheh to many brachos as a result of your
involvement in the beautiful mitzvos of hachnasas orchim
and kiruv rechokim. Have a wonderful Shabbos!
FOLLOW UP
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A
DIVREI
TORAH
Your First Child – Parshat Noah
These are the generations of Noah; Noah was a righteous man,
pure in his generation, He walked with G-d. And Noah had three
sons, Shem, Ham and Yapheth. (Breishis 6:9-10)
The story of Noah and his Ark opens with the statement, “These are the
generations of Noah”. However before his children are listed, the Torah
continues with the following seemingly unrelated comment, “Noah was a
righteous man, perfect in his generation; he walked with G-d”. Then the
Torah continues with the names of his three sons. Why does the Torah,
take a detour and describe Noah, when it should be discussing his
children?
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Project Inspire Shabbos Kit
Taking the sequence literally, it is not a detour at all. Noah's first child
was actually Noah himself! The Torah is teaching us the profound lesson
that really, "Your very first Child is Really You!" Therefore, while we all
strive to be good parents, realize that our first responsibility is to make
ourselves great people. After all, who else is going to do it? So if keeping
our kids healthy is a priority, it should be a priority for us as well. If
making sure that our children know something about Judaism, then we
should as well. Let’s take a look at what we consider important vis-a-vis
our kids and put this clarity to work in our own lives!
Perhaps the Torah is telling us something profound about child rearing as
well in these verses. Maybe the best way to enhance the odds that our
children turn out right is to make sure that we turn out right. The best
way to influence human beings and certainly children is to role model
behavior. In light of this, perhaps the best thing for our children is for us
parents to spend a little less time obsessing about them and a little more
time obsessing about ourselves. (Regarding the things we obsess about
for them).
This story also underscores just how powerful feeling a sense of responsibility for something or someone is. When you feel responsible for others
you act; when you don’t, you watch from the sidelines. When it’s our
child, who G-d forbid has a problem, it’s our problem, when it’s someone
else’s kid it’s their problem.
Perhaps this idea is taught in the context of the flood story, because it
highlights the importance of responsibility and what motivates us to
assume it. If there are problems in our community, our society or in
Israel its up to us to work to fix them. As the old saying goes, you are
either part of the problem or part of the solution. We learn this lesson of
responsibility from our relationship to our children.
Rabbi Simcha Barnett
DIVREI TORAH
Project Inspire
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CONCERN FOR OTHERS
THE BASIS OF THE WORLD IS KINDNESS
I will bring a flood of waters upon the earth to destroy all flesh
that has in it the breath of life (Breishis 6:7)
For this is as the waters of Noah to me (Isaiah 54:9)
A famous Midrash based on this week's parsha asks, "if there are so many
ways through which G-d could have saved Noah, then why did He make
him go through the difficult, arduous task of building an Ark that took 120
years to complete?"
The Talmud explains that the reference to the Flood as being the "waters
of Noah", as though Noah was responsible for the Flood, is because Noah
did not intercede to ask for mercy for his generation. When the patriarch
Abraham was informed that Sodom and Gomorrah were to be destroyed,
he pleaded for Divine clemency. (Genesis 18:23-32.) When G-d told
Moses that He intended to destroy the Israelites and rebuild the nation
through Moses’s progeny, Moses interceded, stating that if the nation was
not forgiven, then he did not wish to remain either. (Exodus 32:31-32.)
Noah, on the other hand, accepted the Divine offer that he and his family
would be spared while the rest of mankind perished. Even though the
Torah considers Noah a "perfect tzaddik" (righteous person), the Talmud
considers him derelict in failing to consider others.
It is not enough to be a just and upright person. It is not even enough
to be a tzaddik. If one does not see beyond one's personal salvation, one
is remiss.
It is for this reason, said Rabbi Meir Shapiro of Lublin, that after the Flood
the Torah states, "There remained only Noah". He was no longer Noah
the Tzaddik, but just plain Noah, stripped of his title of honor.
We refer to the Patriarch Abraham as Avinu, our father, and to Moses as
Rabbeinu, our teacher. It is they that we are asked to emulate, to refuse
personal salvation if all those about us perish. Noah was also our ancestor, but despite his having been designated a "complete tzaddik", he is
neither our father nor our teacher. Our ideal is one who will stand up
even to G-d to plead mercy for others, because that is truly what G-d
desires from us.
The Midrash answers that G-d, in His infinite mercy, did not want to bring
the Flood upon the world. G-d desires to preserve life, not destroy it.
Even as a father yearns for his estranged children, so too, G-d was hoping
that His errant sons and daughters would heed His call, abandon their evil
ways, and return to Him. Thus, if Noah were seen busily building his Ark
day in and day out, people would ask him what he is doing. Then he
would inform them about the impending flood and tell them that they
could cancel the evil decree through repentance. It was all in their
hands....
Still you might ask, why did Noah have to actually enter the Ark? Its
purpose was merely to arouse the return of mankind to G-d. Why
couldn't G-d have saved him in a different manner? The answer is that
G-d wanted to make certain that when Noah and his family emerged from
the Ark and undertook the task of rebuilding the world, they would be
fortified with righteous deeds. In the Ark they had to care for all the
animals that G-d had commanded them to gather; backbreaking labor
consumed them day and night. Yet through the labor they learned the
meaning of chessed - reaching out with gemilus chassadim (acts of loving
kindness) - one of the pillars upon which G-d built His world.
It is in this light that we can understand the Midrash that relates that on
one occasion, when Noah was slow to feed the lion, the lion injured him.
Noah cried out in pain, and a Heavenly voice declared "If only you had
cried out in pain when the future of mankind was at stake!"
Rabbis Yisroel and Osher Anshel Yungreis - Torah for your Table p. 28-29.
Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski -- Living Each Week pg.16-17
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Project Inspire Shabbos Kit
DIVREI TORAH
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B
And so each night, long after midnight, each brother would carry
bundles of wheat and leave them in the other brother’s field. Years
went by, each brother unaware of the other's generosity. Each morning, noticing no apparent decrease in their respective crops, they each
would resolve to transfer even more wheat on the following night.
SONGS
1
One clear starry night, the two brothers, stooped under the weight of
their huge bundles, bumped into each other at the midpoint between
their fields. They dropped the wheat, held out their arms and
embraced. Weeping together, they realized the true meaning of brotherly love.
The hill on which their field sat was Mount Moriah, and the spot where
the brothers met became the site of the Holy Temple built by Solomon;
For only a place of such brotherhood and selflessness could serve as the
place upon which G-d would erect His House.
Hinay ma tov umah no-im, behold how good and pleasant it is, sheves
achim gam yachad, when brothers and sisters dwell together in
harmony. Just like a father, who receives tremendous nachas when he
sits in his home at a table surrounded by children who love and care for
one another, so too G-d dwells with us, in the Temple, only when we are
united as brothers!
Hiney Ma Tov -- Jewish Unity
Two Brothers
A long time ago in Jerusalem lived two brothers who were farmers.
They tended their crops on opposite sides of a hilltop. One brother was
married with a large family, while the other lived alone.
Each brother would lie awake at night thinking of the other. The married brother would think to himself, "my brother is alone with no one to
take care of him, surely he needs more crops than I". And the single
brother would think, “my brother has so many mouths to feed, surely
he needs more crops than I."
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Project Inspire Shabbos Kit
SONGS
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2
Am Yisroel Chai -- The Eternal Nation
Quote from Mark Twain: “Concerning The Jews,” Harper’s
Magazine, 1899
“If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of
the human race [As of 1899; today, unfortunately we are only 2/10
of 1 percent.] It suggests a nebulous dim puff of star dust lost in
the blaze of the Milky Way. Properly, the Jews ought hardly to be
heard of; but he is heard of, has always been heard of.....He has
made a marvelous fight in the world, in all ages, and has done it
with his hands tied behind him.
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Dovid Melech Yisroel
The Starfish
There was once an old man who was walking along a seashore filled
with starfish which had been washed ashore. Thousands and thousands of them lined the shore, struggling to make it back to the
water. A small boy who was walking by saw the old man throwing
the starfish one by one back into the water.
The boy said to the man, you will never be able to get all those starfish back into the water. What you are attempting is hopeless!
The Egyptian, the Babylonian, and the Persian rose, filled the
planet with sound and splendor, then faded off to dream stuff and
passed away; the Greek and Roman followed, and made a vast
noise, and they are gone.
The old man looked up as he threw another back into the water and
said to the boy, “Well, I made a difference to this one", and he picked
up another and threw it in, "and to this one.... Imagine the difference
we could make if we would throw them back together!"
All things are mortal but the Jew; all other forces pass, but he
remains. What is the secret of his immortality?
(You can begin a discussion at the table by asking your guests,
What do they think is the secret to Jewish immortality?, or you can
go on to the answer provided below)
Every Jew, like each starfish, is of ultimate significance and the job of
the Jewish King is to bring out the great potential of all His subjects,
each making his unique contribution to the Jewish Nation and to the
world. No Jew can be left behind, because each of us is a necessary
piece of a beautiful mosaic -- and we all must work together, to bring
all the pieces together as one. The King is called the Heart of the
People, because he is the central figure uniting the Nation, infusing
its mission with vitality and inspiration!
The Torah relates that G-d makes an eternal covenant with Abraham and his descendants due to Abraham's selfless commitment
to teaching the world about G-d, and His values. Our miraculous
run in this world is a testimony to the strength of this covenant and
the importance of the message that the Jewish People has to
deliver.
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Project Inspire Shabbos Kit
SONGS
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C
BROCHA
CARDS
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Project Inspire Shabbos Kit
coming soon
BROCHA CARDS
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