Bizarro! - The Wake
Transcription
Bizarro! - The Wake
Wake z i B THE CRIKEY! ! o www.wakenews.org vol.3 issue.7 r r a Student Magazine Finals Issue -Wakie Out On The Town-A Student Studies In Coffman-President Bruininks... well...just read it...-Doc Plutonic Ph.D. Candidate-Choose Your Own Adventure!-PR Photos Gone Awry!- The U’s Fortnightly Student Magazine December 15, 2004 Send Away for your FREE FRAT APTITUDE TEST! PLEASE INCLUDE $6,000 AND YOUR MORALS IN A SELF-ADDRESSED, SELF-STAMPED ENVELOPE SEND TO: 5551 FRAT ROW, COLLEGE TOWN, USA Mister Falouzza’s Parlour The FINEST In Ladies of the Evening Just One Visit and You’ll Agree... Mister Falouzza Offers the Friendliest of Damsels Vol.3 Issue 7 THE Wake Student Magazine December 15, 2OO4 -11-13-14- Editor In Chief Executive Administrator Campus Editor Contributing Editor Sound & Vision Editor Bastard Pages Literary Voices Campus 22 Athletics 23 Touch & Feel Established in 2002, The Wake is an independent fortnightly magazine, produced by and for students at the University of Minnesota. The Wake is too legit to quit. Managing Editor WWW.WAKENEWS.ORG CONTENTS -4-6-8- The Wake 12 Literary Editor Athletics Editor Art Director Photo Editor Web Editor Copy Editors 16 Business Manager Advertising Executive Cover Art Graphic Design Can’t tell. Nope, sorry. Nope. Our lips are sealed. Just stop asking! Hmpth. Ok, sorry. That was kind of . . . Vindictive? Yeah? Well, alright. No, I left my fightin’ spirit at home. Yeah, fightin’! Okay, but for real. What can be done to circumvent this pending violence? Illustrators/Cartoons Cover Stories -6- Wake Out On The Town -12- A Student Studies In Coffman -11- President Bruininks... -10- Doc Plutonic, Ph.D. Candidate -13- Choose Your Own Adventure -16- PR Photos Gone Awry! Photography Just love us like you said you would last night. Remember, the two of us were alone, in the warmly lit summer garden of your bedroom? You told us you would never leave. So that’s it then? Contributing Writers Well, fine. You want to know something? We faked it the whole time. From the Editors Dear readers, A more stringest test of our formulae is supplied to the so-called wide resonance case such as the one encountered in the 17C(, )160 reaction in massive stars. Here the S -factor deviates considerably from the polynomial of Eq. (4). In fact the measurement [8] shows that over the energy range 1.3 < Ec.m.(MeV) < 3.5 the S -factor has a Lorentzian shape. When extrapolated to the relevant astrophysical energy (Gamow energy) of 0.3 KeV (T9 = 0.1 - 0.2 ) using, reasonable theory, the final resulting S -factor has the shape of a Lorentzian peaked at Ec.m. = 2.4 God, we’re so smart. Oh, and Bob - thanks for bein’ a real sport. Stay healthy and don’t get too salty on us. Morgon Mae Shultz, Editor-in-Chief Frederic Hanson, Managing Editor- The Wake was founded by Chris Ruen and James Delong. The Wake 1313 5th St. SE Minneapolis, MN 55414 612.379.5952 Send Letters To: [email protected] With letters, please include your name, year and college. The Wake does not publish shit. Sorry token idealist. www.wa kenews.org © 2004 All Rights Reserved December 15, 2OO4 ll Po -ad roi 4 The Wake Asks: Do you feel as though public art on campus enhances the aesthetic environment at the University? Photo Poll By Renee Cattelan and Andy Tyra “Canʼt say Iʼve had much of an opportunity. I donʼt get out much. Itʼs mostly of my own accord. I mean, you try fitting through doorways with muscles like these. Plus, my penis is not proportional to the rest of my body. Itʼs embarassing.” - Large, Naked “Trojan” Soldier Weisman Art Museum “Some day, I will be appreciated. And that will be the day that all engineering students go underground. Theyʼre beginning to, yʼknow...until then, whatʼs the point really? Sigh...my arms are tired.” - Platonic Figure East Bank near Lind Hall “I am most definitely an enhancement. Have you SEEN this thing Iʼm attached to? What do you call it? A ʻHall?ʼ I call it uglier than that really ugly kid from your freshman calc class, and THATʼS UGLY!” - “Prometheus”Anderson Hall “Now see here, youʼre missing the point. Youʼre talking aesthetics when you ought to be talking profits. And does public art on campus enhance profits at the University? Well, I uh, I suppose not. Damn, I now have low job security.” - CSOM Sphere - The Wake Chats With a Guy Just Recently Buried Alive who Has an Attitude and, Conveniently, an Apple Laptop Computer thewakeisgood (1:40:49 AM): howʼs non-life? guyburiedalive (1:41:02 AM): dude, get me out of here guyburiedalive (1:41:05 AM): this isnʼt funny guys guyburiedalive (1:41:23 AM): i mean, i know you said itʼd be a fun joke, and i was all like, “well, if itʼs for the frat,” but now itʼs just gone too far guyburiedalive (1:41:30 AM): get me out, come on thewakeisgood (1:41:32 AM): but like, you donʼt have to worry about shit like bush down there guyburiedalive (1:41:53 AM): this is so fucking not funny. what the fuck? i mean, i know i magically have this computer in here with me, but get me out! guyburiedalive (1:41:55 AM): you bastards thewakeisgood (1:41:57 AM): frat boy, hahahahaha guyburiedalive (1:42:06 AM): air is leaving thewakeisgood (1:42:06 AM): they should join our bastard page. guyburiedalive (1:42:09 AM): iʼm hypervenilating guyburiedalive (1:42:15 AM): i canʼt breathe! thewakeisgood (1:42:15 AM): mooohahahahaha guyburiedalive (1:42:31 AM): I CANʼT BREATHE. ok. itʼs okay. slow. slow breaths . . .baby steps guyburiedalive (1:42:35 AM): baby steps to inhalation guyburiedalive (1:42:40 AM): baby steps to another inhalation thewakeisgood (1:42:43 AM): ya dead yet? guyburiedalive (1:42:48 AM): yes guyburiedalive (1:42:51 AM): *dead* thewakeisgood (1:42:58 AM): damn that took too long Choose Your Own Adventure Continued From Page 13 You sigh and heave yourself out of bed. “Going tailgating is the right thing to do, even though I feel like shit,” you tell yourself. Besides, it’s nothing a little coffee and beer can’t solve. You grab your Gopher shirt, slip on your shoes and are out the door. The lot fills up fast, and all of your friends are there except that girl from psychology. You ask your friend, Allison, if she’s going to come later. “I’m mm’r not sure. She saids she migh-na come,” Allison slurs. She is already wasted, and the game won’t start for four hours. It looks like everyone is drinking except you, so you crack open an ice cold Grain Belt and begin to drink the sweet, grainy goodness. The Premo hits your empty stomach like a Turkish earthquake, and you quickly realize you’ve had nothing to eat since last night. The spicy scent of your best friend’s chili reaches your nose, causing your stomach to rumble further. “Hey Timmy!” John, the chili cook, shouts. “Have some chili -- it’s just about ready.” The thought of a warm bowl of chili in your stomach causes a drip of drool to form on your chapped lips. All of the sudden, your other friend comes running to your side with a beer bong shouting: “Timmy! Timmy! You have to take a beer bong. NOW!!” You’ve always been susceptible to peer pressure, so you feel obliged to take the beer bong. However, there’s a warm bowl of chili waiting for you. What will you do? To eat the bowl of chili and postpone the beer bong, go to page (10) To take the beer bong now and wait to eat chili later, go to page (13) Literary December 15, 2OO4 6 EdA Day in the Life... Meet Wakey, your long-time-butnot-often-seen-and-revered-nongender-specific-wine-and-soy-cheeseconnoisseur-mascot-of-The-WakeStudent-Magazine. As part of our efforts to give Wakey some well deserved time in the limelight we asked ourselves, “Aside from repping Wake hardcore twentyfourseven, what does our coy, beloved mascot do all day?” shed Tess of the dʼUbervilles and Morning, 9:00 a.m.: Wakey brushes up on Biritsh Lit Morning, 6:22 a.m.: Wakeyʼs moment of rise and shine EdMorning, 7:07 a.m.: First things first Morning, 11:23 a.m.: Wakey heads out for the day a nd while Wakey does this Wakey sings Wakeyʼs favori te song, to the tune of ʻAmazing Graceʼ: My name is Wakey Get that straight Not Lee or Ross or Don My name kicks ass Now shut your face ‘Cause Wakey owns this town Afternoon, 12:35 p.m.: To celebrate the turning of the noontime hour, and to cool Wakeyʼs nerves before Wakeyʼs big final, Wakey decides to take the scenic route on Wakeyʼs bicycle. Wakey feels the joy of being alive, the wind racing over Wakeyʼs surface; Wakey thinks, “Life? Why that is no laughing matter. Carpe fucking Diem! Praise the elements! Praise be to newsprint publications! Choose Your Own Adventure Continued From Page 13 Since you don’t really understand what’s going on in the game, you decide you might as well leave. As you walk up the stairs of the Metrodome, the feeling of drunkenness still exists and you fall over and twist your ankle. The pain shoots through your whole body, but your inebriation allows you to overcome the discomfort. You continue to hobble up the stairs and out of the stadium. As you get closer to the parking lot, you begin to feel sick from the pain and alcohol coursing through your veins. You get close to your car and sit down on the cold pavement. All of the sudden you fall over and pass out, your head resting comfortably on top of the chili you kicked over earlier. It was a successful first football game! The end. The Wake Picks Web Site of the Issue: www.whitehouse.com Thatʼs all we have to say. mix BASTARD Co The Broken Sidewalk -By Devin Ensz- Photo By Andy Tyra GIG and IGGI all grown up -By Eireann LorsungTHE Wake December 15, 2004 5 Afternoon, 2:20 p.m.: “Yeah,” Wakie thinks, “itʼs not easy to be smart and good-looking--simultaneously and all the time...” Afternoon, 1:32 p.m.: Wakey grabs a cup of joe at Espresso Royale to insure prime mental alertness for the big finall Evening, 6:15 p.m.: Wakey finally gets to the see the face of the Mascot with whom Wakey has been online-dating for three years. Like magic “Maurice” and Wakie hit it off over dinner and maybe more... Literary Afternoon, 3:40 p.m.: Wakeyʼs hard efforts pay off, the final is passed with ease. Wakie goes for a stroll on the mall. THE December 15, 2004 Evening, 9:44 p.m.: Neighbors claim to hear, “Oh, yeah, caress my convex curve, yeah I love your rubbing up on your concave. Whoʼs your mascot?! Yeah! Whoʼs your mascot...” Wake Evening, 7:44 p.m.: Wakey and “Maurice” hit the Boones, hit the spliff...hit the sack. 7 VOICES December 15, 2004 8 Ah, Winter Break! (Or How I learned to shut up and work at the box factory) Finals week is finally upon us and the ol’ coffee machine is running ‘round the clock, pumping out that sweet, black gold that transforms students into book-learnin’ machines. You’ve been working yourself lately, young student! Circles beneath those pretty eyes, an unpleasant odor and -- is your hair falling out? Christ, you need a break! Good thing we’ve got a month off, huh? Ah, winter break! It is that month between semesters when the student’s world stops spinning. We all need a rest. But lately I’ve heard a lot of big vacation plans tossed around -- schemes that make me wonder what I’m missing. “I’m going to Spain for three weeks,” one classmate said. “Sweet,” replied another. (OK, I was eavesdropping. It felt so dirty!) “We’re going to Southern Cali [I shit you not] for ten days.” Dang. I’m glad these globetrotters didn’t ask me about my plans, ‘cause I would’ve fabricated something right there, and I’m not good at that… (Dream sequence: Dude #1: Hey, bro, which coast you hittin’ this X-Mas? Me: Uh...the West Bank...of the Crow River. Dude #2: Oh, bro... Dude #1: (to Dude #2) Aw, let’s bounce, homes. This loser is startin’ to rub off on me. The pair speeds off in a hot-pink Camaro End dream sequence) Since I’ve been in college, I can’t count how many times I’ve heard, “Oh, go for it! You’re in college! Worry about money later!” What the hell is that? How’m I goin’ eat, bitch? I guess my winter breaks have mostly been a mixture of mundane temp jobs and farm work. While some students have lusty, animal sex on foreign beaches, I’ve been running drill presses and hauling sheep manure. It’s worthless to play the martyr though. I’m guessing the majority of students have had similar experiences (although I’m thinking I’ve got a monopoly on the sheep manure). So, enslaved students, I urge you to look up! Seize your winter-break job(s) with an eagerness only found in naive youngsters! Look for tiny lessons in the everyday! It might not take a cross-country road trip to “find yourself.” The revelation just might occur in a Brooklyn Park factory. Case in point: freshman year. I’m working a shitty warehouse job for a locally based Illustration By Devin Ensz By Nick Neaton appliance/music/electronics big-box retailer that shall remain unnamed. You know the type of work: tedious, mundane, most likely mechanized or outsourced by now. Break time comes. I’m smoking outside with two full-time employees. One of them, a forty-ish blond woman asks me what I “do.” “College,” I reply. “U of M.” Go, Goldy. Go, Bruininks. “Oh.” She takes a pull from her Newport Light 100. “My daughter’s talkin’ about goin’ to college lately. I’m tryin’ to avoid the topic, I can’t afford that shit.” Uff da. We went back to work, where each of us punched holes in paper for eight hours. My temp assignment ended after a week; the Newport Queen is probably still there. Lord knows how many of her daughter’s dreams she’s quashed since then. When break ended, I was ready to start classes again. Fellow students, have patience! The world’s wonders will await you when you have some savings. Though you may have few chances to do Jell-O shots in Acapulco, your chances of working at a calendar factory in Hutchinson may be even slimmer! Bask in these golden opportunities! Nick Neaton is a Wake and welcomes [email protected]. writer at The comments at Special Retort Stupidity and The Daily Voices Illustration By Devin Ensz Case 1: “Peter” He calls himself “undoubtedly the largest marijuana supplier and seller to University students.” Right. The self-proclaimed biggest pot dealer says he makes three to five hundred a day. And he says he earns $30,000 a year. Do the math. OK, so maybe multiplication isn’t one Suggested Spring Semester Schedule for Peter: booze and acid. Sleeping with people for a joint, a shot of Jack or a five-strip. Wow. And Kim doesn’t even try to cover up Suggested Spring Schedule for Kim: EPSY 5112: Knowing, Learning, and Thinking PHCL 1450: Introduction to Pharmacology: Concepts of Drug Action PSY 3666: Human Sexuality I would like to believe Peter and Kim aren’t typical students on campus. Hopefully, The Daily just found the most unbelievable students to include in their “special report.” Suggested Spring Schedule for The Daily: ENGW 1102: Introduction to Fiction Writing JOUR 3101: News Writing and Reporting JOUR 3321: Basic Media Graphics (not that I didn’t love that kick-ass photo illustration) Julie Seebold is graduating this semester, and we at The Wake will miss her oh so much. Please send comments to [email protected]. To read the Daily article that inspired this piece, go to www.mndaily.com/articles/2004/11/ 22/11378 and www.mndaily.com/articles/ 2004/11/22/11382. THE December 15, 2004 After reading The Minnesota Daily’s special report “Drug use and college life,” published November 22, I realize there is a problem on campus that needs to be addressed. No, not drugs. The Daily’s report didn’t offer any proof of a drug problem on campus. But it did expose something: really stupid students. who she is, like good ol’ “Pete” does. Her name really is Kim. Wake By Julie Seebold of Peter’s strengths. Maybe it’s his musical MATH 1001: Excursions in Mathematics abilities. After all, Peter calls himself an MUS 1021: Introduction to Music “underground music scene connoisseur.” BA 3000: Career Skills Coincidentally, so does everybody else who has ever mixed a record or freestyled in Case 2: “Kim” their basement. Kim tells The Daily of her trying battles Who knows…Maybe Peter really is a with drug addiction. She says her drug of music connoisseur. Maybe Peter really is choice was LSD. Being that LSD is a nonthe biggest dealer of the moon cabbage on addictive drug, I have to congratulate Kim campus. Let’s see… on her dedication. Peter says he has 10 to 20 people who Kim says once a “‘huge acid binge’… work for him throughout the Midwest, but kept her awake for three weeks straight.” Peter says he occasionally visits residence Three weeks straight? Oh, don’t worry, halls and campus homes Kim. We believe you. for “appointments.” That Honest. means he’s selling dime All right, maybe The self-proclaimed biggest bags to freshman. But I pot dealer says he makes three Kim likes to stretch the thought he had people to truth a little. But does to five hundred a day. And he do that for him? says he earns $30,000 a year. that make her stupid? Peter says there is Well, Kim says in Do the math. a “connection between high school, she began marijuana use and “experimenting with intellectualism.” He says this as he brags hard drugs, such as acid, ecstasy, speed to the university’s largest publication about and LSD.” So, Kim took acid and LSD? But his business endeavors. Way to let that aren’t acid and LSD just two different names “intellectualism” shine, Pete! for the same drug? Conclusion: Kim took A While Peter may be the biggest LOT of acid. dumbass on campus, I guarantee he’s not Kim also tells The Minnesota Daily the biggest campus pot dealer. Hopefully, that she slept with people for drugs. But she Peter gets arrested for his stupidity. says the only drugs she really used were pot, 9 DOC PLUTONIC, * Ph.D. CANDIDATE *Doc Plutonic is not a real doctor. Ladies and Gentlemen I welcome you to the strangest Doc Plutonic yet. Let’s call it “The Finals Issue.” Voices Dear Doc Plutonic, I have a strange fetish. Every time I have sex with my girlfriend I have an uncontrollable desire to stick my erect penis into her moistened vagina. I don’t even know what to call it, but I’ve tried my best to surf the Internet for it. I’ve looked up phrases such as, “vaginaphilia,” “hide-and-seek,” “stuffing the Thanksgiving turkey,” and “reaming the nappy dugout.” The last three times I’ve tried to talk to my girlfriend about this she just gets up and leaves. Is something wrong with me? -Chris Anderson, Middle Brook Hall #2781 canderson@pleasekeepmea naymous.com Dear Chris Anderson, Middle Brook Hall #2781 canderson@pleasekeepmea naymous.com I am a PhD candidate in the academic field of dating (and I am only three credits away from my PhD), so as you might expect, I know my shit. Everything I say, goes. Got that? My advice to you is to stop trying to traumatize your innocent girlfriend. Whatever is happening in that sick head of yours must stop. If you ever want a standard, healthy relationship you’re going to have to give up this “penis in vagina” perversion that you have cooked up. Vaginas are like delicate pastoral flowers glistening in the morning dew. They are meant for having babies and the occasional chili cook-off. But they are NOT FOR PUTTING PENISES INTO!!! Penises are for things like peeing, providing inspiration for monuments to dead presidents, and of course the occasional gubernatorial pardon. So the next time you think about driving your 18-wheeler downtown, DON’T. -Doc Plutonic, PhD Candidate Hey Doc Plutoc, I met this foxy female while building a snowman alone on the mall a few weeks ago. I guess I was just trying to meet some people and boom, there she was. Post snowman, we sipped hot chocolate in front of the Coffman fire. It was so romantic. We really clicked. She was smart, funny, and everything I’ve always wanted in a girl. Problems started when she killed and ate my dog. She said I was spending too much time with Skippy. I told her that I really liked her, but said that we should just be friends. Apparently she thinks friends break into each other’s homes and roofie each other’s roommates before hacking them up with a dull kitchen knife and flushing them down the toilet. Not to mention my other roommate that is scattered throughout the yard. When I told her that things were moving too fast and that she shouldn’t come over anymore, she told me that she would drown me in my fish tank before she would see me with another woman. I’m not sure, but I think I want to be single for now. But maybe I’m way off. Does she deserve another chance? Am I Dear Stalked in Comstock, 10. This is an extremely problematic situation that you are in. 9. It seems like you want to be just friends, but it seems like your girlfriend wanted something more. 8. Are you really being honest with yourself? 7. Your predicament is a difficult one to assess. 6. It’s good that you are being completely open and honest with each other, but are you being completely open and honest with yourselves? 5. Try joining a student group! 4. Does she comfort you? Does she make you happy when you see her? Is your day ruined when she doesn’t come running to the door with her tail wagging? 3. It burns when I pee. What does that mean? Seriously, Stalked in Comstock, what does that mean? 2. If he really is avoiding you, then he’s probably not interested. 1. She’s not there to be at your beck and call. -Doc Plutonic Dear Doc Plutonic, I write a mediocre dating advice column for a student publication at a Big Ten research university in the upper Midwest. It’s in Minnesota. Actually it’s the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities campus. Students write in with their trivial problems. Students — who should be reveling in their sexual prime — write in with total bullshit usually involving people. The problem is that when I can’t take it anymore with this trite whining I try to spice up the columns with incest, fetishes, and bestiality. It started out as every so often, but now I never check my e-mail. I am a fraud. How long can I go on like this? -Dr. Date Dear Dr. Date, So? -Doc Plutonic Choose Your Own Adventure Continued From Page12 You sheepishly tell your friend that you’ll have to wait to do a beer bong later. He makes some mocking sounds and tries to find someone else to take a beer bong. Your attention now turns back to John and his delectable chili. He hands you a steaming bowl. “It’s my own recipe,” he proudly proclaims. “I brown my own beef and add my own spices and everything.” You take a bite of this homemade creation and realize it’s the best damn chili you’ve ever had. Your spoon moves faster and faster, like the train in Back to the Future III, you know the one where Marty goes back to save Doc from dying in 1882 or something, it was pretty lame. Before you know it, the bowl is empty, and then it hits you. “I don’t feel so good,” you say. Your stomach begins to twist around and around, forcing you to fall down. The pain is excruciating, and you begin to question what kind of God could put you through such discomfort. You have E. Coli. You are rushed to the emergency room and miss the game. Sorry! The end. The Wake Asks: Dear Dr. Nurse, What is the difference between herpes and love? Sincerely, In Love and Infected Photo Poll By Verity Baker Wake ll Po a - d roi being too judgmental? -Stalked in Comstock December 15, 2004 THE 10 “Herpes are forever.” “There is no difference. They both involve commitment.” “Herpes are the gift that keeps on giving.” “Herpes are more itchy.” –Eric Carroll– Graduate, Photography –Stephen Eakin– Freshman, Sociology –Emily La Shorne– Junior, Finance –Danielle Durda– Sophmore, Nursing Campus THE MAN of the HOUR December 15, 2004 11 The dark, druginduced world of President Bruininks THIS IS FAKE. By Nick Neaton “You see this shit?” President Bruininks asked me, pointing to a small tattoo on his left forearm. “I got this after I killed a hooker in Havana.” I looked closer at the tiny dagger forever stamped in fading green ink on his skin. Trembling, I scribbled details in my notebook, taking time to note every aspect of my subject. After all, I had been granted an all-access, no-holds-barred interview with the reclusive University of Minnesota president, and I wanted to accurately record every detail. We talked in what Bruininks has dubbed the “Player’s Club,” a plush, low-lit lounge in his towering St. Paul mansion, Eastcliff. “I love this room!” Bruininks marveled, rising from his velvet recliner and throwing his arms toward the ceiling. “It’s my special place, where I come to escape.” His silk bathrobe Does this syringe make my head skirted the room’s orange, shag carpet as he pranced about the room. “I love it, I love it!” he exclaimed, his pale like a content kitten. “He’s been particularly naughty today,” arms flailing wildly. He raced toward one of the large bay said the nurse, as she tucked the needle into windows overlooking the winding Mississippi. her pocket. “This morning, he was acting all Upon reaching the window, he tore open delusional. First he thought he was Randy Moss, the front of his bathrobe, which wasn’t so bad. But then he turned into Tony Montana, exposing his hairless chest and I just ‘bout went through and began to scream: “Oh beautiful the roof!” “Oh, beautiful children I nodded, remembering of the university!” he cried. children of the earlier that afternoon. I had “Come to me! Come embrace university! Come to found Bruininks sitting at a your leader, for I am powerful and all-knowing!” me! Come embrace table in the Player’s Club, face buried in a mountain of I didn’t know whether your leader, for I cocaine. to laugh or run in fear as I “Um, excuse me, sir?” I watched this spectacle from am powerful and allasked, edging into the room. my seat in the corner. Instead, knowing!” Bruininks lifted his I sipped on my “Bruininks head from the pile and stared Special”: Belvedere vodka blankly at me. White powder and Pepsi Edge, and watched the president writhe about the room in yellowed clung to his eyelashes, stuck on his thin lips, dotted the tip of his nose. He blinked a few times, underwear briefs. Before long, a nurse and two beefy shook his face clean and jumped to his feet. “Sir! Yes, sir! President Robert Bruininks bodyguards entered the Player’s Club. Grabbing Bruininks by the arms and legs, the bodyguards reporting for duty!” His arm snapped forward in gripped his convulsing body while the nurse a salute. I decided to play along. “Tell me, Private Bruininks, what’s your injected a serum into his right temple. The president instantly fell limp and began cooing regiment?” look fat? “University of Minnesota, sir!” he barked. “Morrill Hall, 2nd floor!” We kept up the military back-and-forth for a while until the drugs started to wear off. He opened the bar and we started tipping ‘em back. The talk quickly became more casual. “I don’t know what it is lately,” he confessed, “but lately it just seems like I’m not happy unless I’m fucked-up.” Hose in hand, he signaled to me and I hoisted the beer bong’s funnel in the air. By 6 p.m., Bruininks had downed seven liters of top-shelf booze and taken three body shots off my chest. I stayed sober enough to witness the president’s mood swings, as he transformed from ‘Gangsta Bob’ (“Aw shit, dog, that’s nothin’! You shoulda seen me and Timmy P. get our swerve on after the 2003 Legislature! We was trippin’ balls!) to ‘Pappy Bruininks’ (“Hey, little guy! Aspiring journalist, are ya? Why don’t ya come and sit on Pappy’s lap and tell me about it? No, seriously, come sit on my lap.”) and finally to ‘Oprah,’ a blubbering, confessional mess. “Sometimes I sit up on the Campus Club patio,” he bawled, “I just sit up there and look down on the world and wonder why. Why must Sally’s only have Taco Night once a week?” Rusty, a Campus Club custodian, later Photo Illustration By Eric Price confirmed this activity. “Yeah, I seen ‘em sittin’ out there [on the patio], drinkin’ his drinks and ravin’ on ‘bout drink specials and ‘Ladies Night’ and all them boob-sling-wearin’ hoochie-mamas down on the Super Block.” Rusty paused and looked me in the eye. “You guys actually let that basket-case run this place? That’s fucked up.” Back in Eastcliff, I looked at Bruininks’ crumpled body. “How does this man run the university?” I wondered. “Maybe it’s all a sham, some elaborate show like in The Wizard of Oz. ‘Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.’” I wrote some more notes but stopped and stared in awe as Bruininks’ body slowly rose from the floor and began hovering three feet above the carpet. He flipped to face me and when I looked into his eyes, I felt paralyzed in my seat. “Just sit tight, buddy,” he whispered. “You be good and we’ll do some more body shots later.” I nodded, feeling his mental demons wrap their fiery arms around my soul. Still floating, Bruininks winked at me, then disappeared. I’ve tried to remember what happened after he levitated, but to no avail. It’s blank to me. Pirates Party Like It’s 1999 A Quiet, Well-Lit Place to Study Your guide to spicing up old weekend routines a regular basis. Taking it easy and chilling with friends is cool, but even friends (not to Most college students approaching mention boyfriends and girlfriends) get old graduation have a lot of questions about the after a couple years. That said, I’ve come future. The most important question being: up with a list of ideas to add a little flavor What are we going to do this weekend? After or nostalgia to normal weekend events for nearly four years on this campus (or maybe those of us who have too much time on our more for the “university connoisseurs” out hands. Party in T-hall. there), the usual weekend Not really, although it activities become a little might be kind of fun. monotonous. Waiting in Make one of your Instead party inside line with about 50 other unknowns just for a taste roommates the C.A. your rooms and invite your friends. Make one of flat High Life Light by leaving him/her of your roommates the isn’t quite the fun it was in the dark about community advisor by before we actually got leaving him/her in the lives. Of course we are your little plan. dark about your little still broke, so blowing plan. When the C.A. wads of money at some comes knocking, hide lame bar or to go see a new kick-ass band we’ve never heard of isn’t your drinks and act nervous. For best exactly something we can afford to do on results, do it on a night that the C.A. decides By Grant Boelter Photo By Pat McEwen Choose Your Own Adventure Continued From Page 13 Photo By Pat McEwen December 15, 2004 An SUV parks outside a University building on an exceptionally uneventful day. B- After thinking for a second, you realize you’re in no shape to be tailgating right now. So you roll back to your alarm clock and set it for a couple of hours later. You’ll still have time to tailgate, and you’ll be well rested. Your head hits the pillow and you immediately fall asleep. You begin to dream about all your friends at the tailgating lot. They’re all having a great time, but you’re not there. All of the sudden your eyes open. “I feel much better,” you say. You look at your alarm and it’s one in the afternoon. You missed the game. Sorry! The end. THE Wake he/she needs to stay in and study. A list party. Arrogant? Check. Elitist? Seal the deal. Go out to a dive bar on Sure. Lame? Definitely. So lame that it’s a night when it has a worth doing for the reaction deal going and wear you’ll get. Don’t have an business attire. Pretend actual list; just improvise as Arrogant? Check. like you are celebrating you go. Just make sure you Elitist? Sure. Lame? don’t take it too far. some major corporate accomplishment and Bar golf. Plot a Definately. see how many weird course of 18 bars to visit. looks you get. Convince The fun part is walking, your crazy 40-year-old neighbor to come so work your way toward home. This will along to make it more believable. get expensive, but the experience is worth dipping into your student loans. Wear knickers and sweaters if you really feel like getting into it. Living in the ‘90s. So ‘70s and ‘80s parties have been done…about a million timeseach. Instead, bust out the flannel, Zuba pants and grunge rock and throw down ‘90s style. Festivities may include playing drinking pogs and singer-fromthe-Spin Doctors and Paula Cole look-alike contests. Welcome aboard matey! Throw a party at your house and dress up as pirates, because pirates kick ass. Drink out of old bottles and don’t shower for a few days. If you really want to be jackasses, tell your guests to dress up as something really wimpy. That way you can bask in your awesomeness. Hopefully these suggestions can help you end your college career with a bang before the imminent thud that’s sure to follow when you’ll be tied down by a meaningless job, if you’re lucky. Until then, Cheers! Campus A Nice Day For A Sunday Drive A University student studies in peace at Coffman Union. 12 Timmy’s First Football Game A choose your own adventure Athletics By Lane Trisko Photo by Andy Tyra THE Wake BEEP BEEP BEEP. Your alarm startles you out of sleep. You slam your hand against the snooze button and lift your heavy head, drowsy and unable to hold your eyes open. Today is the day of your first Gopher football game, the one you’ve been anticipating all week. Your head begins to thump slowly. “Why did I go out last night,” you think. You glance at the alarm clock and see the horrible truth: it’s 6 a.m. The game is at 11, but you want to tailgate before the game. That girl from psychology said she might be there, but right now sleep feels more important. You lie in bed thinking, “I should get out of bed and go tailgating. But maybe it would be better to sleep. I can’t decide.” To get out of bed and go tailgating go to page (4) To go back to sleep for a few more hours go to page (12) Choose Your Own Adventure Continued From Page 13 To leave with your friends now, go to page (6) To stay and watch the rest of the game, go to page (14) December 15, 2004 D-You’ve never been one to turn down a beer bong, so why start now? “Sure, I’m down for a beer bong,” you say, and drop to a knee. Your friend lifts up the apparatus and the beer quickly flows down your throat, into your empty stomach. “Oh boy,” you say. “I don’t feel so great.” “Then you need another beer bong,” your friend replies and fills another couple beers in the funnel. The beer seems to be tasting better, you realize. You must be getting drunk. You stand up from the second beer bong and nearly fall over. All this drinking on an empty stomach has quickly caught up to you and all you can think of is: “I need a cigarette.” You begin to stumble around the parking lot looking for someone with cigarettes but can’t seem to see straight. In your drunken dilemma, you decide to shout “Who has a cigarette?” But the only response is from your friend with the beer bong who proceeds to pour you another. The Eminem song in the background that you were cursing minutes ago all of the sudden is the best music ever. You start dancing and bump into your friend’s grill, knocking over all of his chili. “It loos lick somon vomitided on da ground,” you clumsily mumble. Luckily, the game is about to start, so you can’t make an ass of your self in the parking lot anymore. You don’t really remember walking to the game, but you somehow got there right at the kickoff. The Metrodome is packed for the big game and you cheer and scream like the drunk jackass you are. The game quickly becomes a blur and you realize you have no idea what is going on. It’s halftime and many of your friends are heading home to sleep off the morning’s activities. You debate whether you should go home or stay. Decision time. 13 Touch & Feel Press Agent Lies, Lies, Lies! life-affirming shit. That’s what press people do though. They make shit sound a lot more complex and life-affirming than it actually is. And what’s that bit about brilliant pop melodies? Oh yeah, that part is completely true . . . sorry. 2. Eugene Mirman, The Absurd Nightclub Comedy of Eugene Mirman “And if you hadn’t already heard of Eugene Mirman, why, we’d be very surprised.” Touch & Feel Tag Team Media Sorry Tag Team, not all of us have the up and up on such things. We’re what you’d call, “not hip” and “totally uncool.” Just kidding. We’re actually so cool that we ostracize press agents such as yours by making fun of all the stupid, overly enthusiastic comments you make. 3. Tegan and Sara, So Jealous Illustration By Sam Soule By Frederic Hanson After a comparatively dull year in music – remember 2003 anyone? – it was pretty obvious that press agents worldwide were going to have to up the exaggeration ante to get anyone interested in their artists. What follows are some of our favorite blown-a-little-out-of-proportion remarks, delivered to us by various press agents throughout the year. We thought we’d show you what the PR camps are saying, while giving you a little bit of truth to boot. Enjoy, readers, and remember – The Wake isn’t about catering to no press agents! Damn. Wake “’Time Running’ launched the record with a kick in the teeth and those who up until then thought Tegan and Sara were acoustic folkies were 1. The Hidden Cameras, Mississauga, Goddam “Gibb’s lyrics cleverly tie in the ecclesiastical with the perverse, seeing all the beautiful lifeaffirming power of love and lovers, and the fragility in which we ultimately feel inside when faced with both. Its playful yet smart look at life and love is expressed through brilliant pop melodies, soaring harmonies and sweeping orchestral arrangements.” Tag Team Media Okay . . . I guess it’s kind of true. In that, it-could-be-true-if-I-were-a-press-agenttrying-to-push-this-album-for-my-ownprofessional-good kind of way. Yeah – The Hidden Cameras are a good band; and yeah, their latest, Mississauga, Goddam was alright. But really, this album was about saying you’re gay and that you feel like indulging in a multitude of carnal fetishes. Don’t give me all this love and December 15, 2004 THE 14 Choose Your Own Adventure Continued From Page 13 You look up at the scoreboard and see that the Gophers are ahead, and you can’t seem to bring yourself to leave the football game. “I want to see them win,” you tell your friends and they leave you. Who needs them anyway? The second half begins and you convince your neighboring fan to buy you a beer. The Gophers continue to dominate and take a larger lead. Now watching the game, you can’t believe how well the Gophers are playing against the formidable foe of Our Sisters of the Bleeding Heart College for the Shitty Athletes. With each change of possession more fans head for the exits. But not you. You’ve all of the sudden become enthralled in the game and have to see it out to the end. The final whistle blows, and you scream in jubilation over the Gophers 55-17 win. The excitement overwhelms you, and you race down the stairs, jump down to the turf and race onto the fields, screaming. You get to midfield and realize no one else stormed the field with you. In this moment of realization a security guard tackles you and leaves you dazed on the artificial grass. You are arrested for storming the field left with their blood drying in the dust.” Tag Team Media Ouch! You see? I just got totally knocked the fuck out by that track. I didn’t know they actually meant it would kick me in the teeth and leave me lying in the dust with blood all over myself. Damn though, who knew two Canadian siblings / lesbians could kick my ass so thoroughly. Shit! You see that? They just did it again. I’m bleeding all over myself now, and my mom is going to be really pissed I wrecked my classy button-down shirt. 4. Vice Magazine Editors on Chromeo “Live, Chromeo is more fun than being forced to smoke crack at gunpoint by Rick James.” Vice Magazine Actually, this is pretty true. Why? Because Rick James is dead, bitch. If he were alive, I think we all know being forced to smoke crack at gunpoint by him would be far better than anything any band could possibly do. But we love you anyways Vice and Chromeo. Looking For Love: Personal Ads, Wakified Photos By Andy Tyra Hepa Titis. The Needle Sharing Nurse (R.N)- I enjoy sharing needles. Tex-ette – I kill for charity. Riddle Red Riding Rood – You can’t tell here but I have red hair, you also can’t tell that I’m missing both of my legs. Orgasmaclease – I’m Greek and like to break plates…huppa! touch & Feel Harp Enthusiast Seeks Harp-Shaped LoverI’m a harp player seeking that special someone who knows how to pluck all my heartstrings. I read Harp magazine often. I find it highly amuzing. Bat Man- Seeking same. Want to have sex with rock stars on film? BECOME A WAKE SOUND AND VISION MUSIC and FILM WRITER! Karaoke! Buck Burgers! Wednesdays ay 11am to 8pm ay sportsm sp manspub.com ma www.sp 2124 Como Ave SE, Mpls 612.379.8407 You can’t actually have sex with rock stars, but maybe if you interview them, things will pan out. Please drop off a resume, small drawing, and writing samples at our office, ATTN: Frederic Hanson Don’t make us spank your bare bottom. Visit www.wakenews.org For An Application THE December 15, 2004 Most fun on campus! Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays days 9pm pm to close We’re seeking very knowledgeable music and film freaks who want to write about it. Wake Some peopl ple don' pl n't' like div n' iive v bbars... Those people suck anyway. 15 Look At These Totally Legit Musicians [With a little help from Google, we found these photographically-challenged musicians. And then we made fun of them.] Touch & feel If they had a dumb name: AnimalLoving Assholes Stealing Kids’ Parents’ Money If they had a dumb name: Leftover Salmon. Oh wait, that is their name. What they would say: “Hey there partner. My shirt is SO wild. It makes me feel like I actually took acid. That’s why I wear it. I mean, do you think the good-natured dudes in my sub-par, gastronomic-namesake jam band would play with a righteous fellow like me if I didn’t have some acid-y vibes? Truth is, I used to be in a children-friendly library-touring acoustic group, but didn’t really find the critical praise or money I thought I would. So I found this group of groovy brothers, and wouldn’t you know it – magic! Listen to our soothing, egomaniacal jams as you enjoy some heady buds and import beer. God, my shirt is so wild.” What they would play: Nature-inspired exploitative, endless jams. Not songs. Just stupid jams. Wake If it had a dumb name: Moderately Sexual ly Implicative Egomaniacal Technology December 15, 2004 THE 16 What it would say: “Grinding noise. Mechanical components working in tandem to gouge a small hole in a 2 X 4 plank. Drill entering piece of wood. Drill gets a little louder as it starts gouging out the wood. There is friction. Drill gets softer as drill bit comes out of the wood. Buzzing noise as the bit winds down to a slower RPM. Buzz gets more rapid as RPM is increased before drilling another whole in the 2 X 4 plank. Drill noise gets loud again as bit enters another hole. Noise gets quiet again as bit exits the 2nd whole. Drill gets very quiet as machine is turned off. Says, ‘Dammit Shirley, I swear that’s never happened before.’” What it would play: “You’re a Human, I’m a Drill Press” and other mechanically-inspired, yet emotionally-vulnerable ballads. What they would say: “Did you know that the Galapagos tortoise has a life span of up to 150 years! How about that kids? And did you know that the majestic flamingo can stand on one leg while feeding on small fish. How’s about that? Wow. Isn’t nature beautiful and majestic? Now, I’d like you all to close your eyes. Picture that you are in the wilds of Africa. Giraffe, hippopotami and gazelle bound around you in the majestic Savannah. ‘ROARRRR!’ Oh my kids! Did you hear that? That was the King of the Jungle himself, the LION. Look out kids, be very still. [This is where they break into a condensed, thirty-minute version of ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight,’ and quickly end the show.] Thank you kids, we’ll be around behind the Aviary afterwards for wholesome – and all natural, of course – toucan punch and monkey cookies. Parents, feel free to buy one of our fish-print shirts over there for your kids. What they would play: Thirty second versions of animal-themed songs. A whole lot of medleys that talk about dumb shit like child-friendly mating habits of the woodland gorilla. If he had a dumb name: How can we think of names when we can’t take our eyes off his luxurious hair? What he would say: “You love my hair. I know you want to. Go ahead. Touch it. Well – not really. Then I would have to have my volunteer security guard, Randolph, poke you in the eye. But you can touch it in the photo. Close you eyes and feel it’s luxuriousness. It’s so smooth and conditioned. Oh, you love my bare chest too. Notice its admirable smoothness. Ah, how admirable it is. Touch my chest listener. Caress my hair. Make love to my press photo. But now I must go because it’s time to rock. I love you, my fans – I want to make love to all of you.” What he would play: Songs that are romantic, but with an “edge.” Songs with titles like, “My Ice Rod will Turn you On.” Sound & Vision The Year in Review Jesus Christ, Judas Priest Kicks Ass I can safely say that this year’s best concert, for me anyway, was the Pixies’ show this past November. The Pixies are one of those bands cemented in musical history by their command of original sound, and all other bands after them can’t help but acknowledge this. Their influence resounds in all our ear drums as it did for me in Roy Wilkins Auditorium. What impressed me the most were their gracious natures. The Pixies were not trying to be rock-band-cool or aloof. They were being themselves. They grinned at one another, tossed drums sticks back and forth, and even bowed to the crowd (excellent manners, you could bring them home to ma and pa). But what really made the show something special was not the history, not the “Oh my God I am seeing the Pixies,” but the music itself. It was alive, organic, and blissful. I could just let the melodies and lyrics work through my body, begging my bones to get up and dance. That’s what makes good music – action, emotion, and pure fun that is easy to swallow and digest for ones creative pleasure. And that’s what the Pixies do so well. -Kim Gengler The greatest metal moment of 2004 is easy for me to determine. I finally got to see Judas Priest (with Rob Halford). My buddy Hynz and I headed down to Kansas City to catch a Royals game and the Ozzfest. This concert contained Dimmu Borgir, Slayer, Judas Priest and Black Sabbath (original line-up). Now Dimmu, Slayer, and Sabbath were excellent. Dimmu really annihilated most of the crowd who had never heard a black metal band ever. Slayer were as always the true masters of thrash destruction (well, maybe second to Destruction). But Judas Priest was what made the trip worth it. This is the ultimate metal band. Tipton and Downing on guitars, Ian Hill on bass, Scott Travis on drums, and of course Rob Halford’s soaring metal wails … it simply cannot get more metal than that. Their set was excellent. Regardless of the fact most of the band are in their forties, they exuded more skill than any band I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen pretty much everyone that’s worth seeing. The set opened with Electric Eye, my all time favorite metal song, and from that moment on I was in ecstasy. It rained heavily during much of the set (and the seats were not covered), but somehow that just made the event seem that much bigger. The only bad thing was that after Priest, Sabbath was just pale in comparison. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen Sabbath before and own more Sabbath CDs than they officially released, and loved them, and this show was good too, but it holds no candle to priest. LONG LIVE JUDAS PRIEST! -Brant Johnson Ashlee Simpson Does Milli Vanilli While Dancing a Jig I have always – always – been a fan of the occasionally Saturday Night Live musical-event-gone-awry. From Elvis Costello’s fuck-you cut to “Radio, Radio” bit, to Sinead O’Conner’s understated papal vandalism, the moments – though few and far between – have always given SNL its unpredictable edge. But I have to hand it Ashlee Simpson. The Texan’s fall from “I’m Christian but I can still rock pretty darned hard” glory on the show in October was a moment of live television totally unexpected. I mean, we all knew she sucked. But lip-synching? Acid reflux? What, what, what? It was all pretty funny. Haha. See, I’m laughing about it even now, just like I did when I saw it. But I was laughing not so much at the fact that she wasn’t actually singing, but instead, at the dumb-as-shit jig she tried doing to recover. It was one of those moments that you had in your 3rd grade nightmares where you piss your pants in class, panic, and have no clue what to do. In Ashlee’s case, you dance the jig. And oh, what a jig it was. Eh ... who am I kidding here? Those were just virtual laughs earlier. I didn’t actually laugh at her performance. I just sat there, cried my eyes out at losing another rock and roll idol, then went and bought a case of cheap beer. -Frederic Hanson Wilco Are Simply Ghastly Wilco’s 2002 unintentional epilogue to September 11th, Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, was called an “American classic” by Rolling Stone. We’re not Rolling Stone – but the album was pretty good. And it was definitely American. Their follow up, 2004’s A Ghost is Born is nothing like that album. But it’s still just as good, if not better. Abandoning the O’Rourke production-Tzar techniques and cracker-country sockhop sop of Foxtrot, the band created in Ghost, an album of stripped-down songs – then rocked, locked and loaded them into their metaphorical Winchester, and shot down everything they seemed to have previously stood for. And the result was fantastic – a murderous escapade into the pity of self-preservation and growing another year older. In the tradition of The Beatles’ White Album and The Plastic Ono Band, the songs on Ghost stand front and center. There is no sonic ambiguity; no surplus of overly philosophical noise-emotion. And in this case, it only makes things better. From the skyscraper-prescription service chronicled in “Handshake Drugs,” to the spring garden poppy-plant soul of “Hummingbird,” the songs on Ghost reflect Tweedy’s increasingly skillful songsmanship. And though the album hits on everyone from Supergrass to Faust to Paul Westerberg, it stops well short of fucking any of them. And that’s something that Yankee Hotel Foxtrot couldn’t quite resist. -Frederic Hanson THE December 15, 2004 Remember when albums moved you? When you listened to it once, couldn’t believe what you heard, and had to listen over and over again to make sure the euphoria was real? You don’t? No worries. Get your hands on Brian Wilson’s Smile and let the awe take over. Rerecorded and released for the first time since shelved during Wilson’s mental breakdown in 1967, this masterpiece missed out on its chance to change music history; but it didn’t miss much of anything else. From the opening harmonies of “Our Prayer,” through the theme filled suites, and fading with the last remnants of “Good Vibrations,” there’s enough going on in this album to keep you listening over and over again, marveling in the absolute brilliance of the former Beach Boy. Especially when you realize this was supposed to be released in 1967. Sgt. who? Too bad Mike Love, the Beach Boy most responsible for shelving this masterpiece, is a middle-aged sack of musical mediocrity, with no talent beyond the ability to list cars and cities where you can pretend you surf at. We can all be thankful though that Brian Wilson was finally able to fight his demons and allow us do something we’ve waited a long time to do: smile. -Lane Trisko Oh, the coveted album! You know, the one that you won’t stop listening to, humming or thinking about. We all have those albums that really jazz us and render us hopeless to the rhythm and mood of certain artists. Then again, some albums and artists take time to warm-up to and we must incubate them in our brains in order to find the gem in their work. For me, Bjork falls into both of these categories and her new album Medulla proved to be one of my favorites this year. There have been many adjectives used to describe Bjork, for instance “crazy weird,” but she is really quite the artist. On Medulla Bjork takes the concept album to the limits by having just one instrument on the entire album – the human voice. Even though Bjork is sometimes inaccessible she sings from her juts. She sings likes she means it and I find this very admirable. Bjork challenges musical conventions and is brave enough to be really bizarre (think swan dress). For these reasons her new album frequently creeps into my CD player and I cite it as one of the better albums of this year. -Kim Gengler Wake Smile that Brian Wilson is Still Sane and Well Bjork Fires Instruments, Hires Voices, Chews on Stick Sound & Vision Pixies Reunite like Dick Van Dyke Cast, but Better 16 Hip-Hop Spotlight: the MNeapolis Junction Elevating the Masses to the 45th Parallel of Hip-Hop Sound & Vision Blackalicious. Intelligence, positivity, and Ed: Every time we do a live show, I feel like we have achieved success. After a show his rhyme style is bananas. Jimmy D: Madlib, of course, and El-P. when some stranger comes up and tells you Favorite MC right now is Vordul from that they like your music and they feel what you’re saying, that is success right there. Cannibal Ox. Boxcar: Biz Markie, Kool Keith and Cadaver: Long-term goals would be getting Lytyrics, I think DJ Tada and Patty Mack a label. Other then that … the big crowds, sold out shows, VIP are my greatest status, the afterinfluences parties, the whole with the DJ thing, cause we “It was the junction: people popularity thing; that would be great. I started together. from all over making great can’t deny that. Optix: The only music in one place.” The Wake: Say goals I have is to you were doing -Ed Textkeep going on the a show and this path I’ve been put kid – Dan – kept on, and success, yelling shit at everything Cadaver says. you. How would you deal with Dan? Ed: When we perform we usually have good Jimmy D: I’m all about growing as a producer reactions from the crowds, lots of positivity. every single day. Mastering equipment and But one time, I was in a battle at the Pasta flexing styles in new ways is crucial. But Bar and this cat, Ice Rod, told me I should what’s most important is connecting with kill myself. Then he told me my whole other people and working on projects. family should get West Nile. I just brushed Helping people accomplish their goals is it off. Harsh stuff like that isn’t worth what it’s all about. Making moves. Boxcar: Respect due amongst the cats worrying about; sticks and stones . . . that are doing what we’re doing, the The Wake: How can people get / hear your peeps out there, struggling to get by, but are still doing it for the love of the music. music? Ed: You can always get a copy of our album at our shows, sometimes free. We haven’t been released in stores yet. But, if you email us we can send one to you. Optix: You can hear our music at shows and if you find us we got backpacks full of CDs for sale. Photos By Brie Cohen MNeapolis Junction is (clockwise from lower left): Michael Knowlen (aka Cadaver), Mike Hastert (aka Ed Text), James Delong (aka Jimmy D), Asei Tendle (aka Boxcar Ira) and Andrew Frizzell (aka Optix). By Frederic Hanson Wake This is the first installment of a continuing series looking at local hip-hop artists and musicians. December 15, 2004 THE 15 All things come together at the Minneapolis Junction – so say Ed Text, Jimmy D, Cadaver, Optix, Boxcar Ira, and Rob T. They are MNeapolis Junction, an artistic, aptly-named group of lyrical and musical artisans straight from the Twin Town underground. Recently, The Wake had the chance to speak with them about all things hip-hop. The Wake: What are some of your influences? Where are you coming from musically? Optix: Everything influences our music. Life happens and we create music from the heart. What we listen to doesn’t necessarily form our own sound, but our sound does reflect our influences. Ed Text: Influences are abound with us. As artists, we are influenced by all forms of art; whether it’s on wax, on canvas, on a train car, in a video, or wherever. Life itself is my biggest inspiration. The Wake: How’d you get your name? What’s the meaning behind it? Ed Text: The name MNeapolis Junction came about when our friend from Montana was here. Originally, Jimmy D, our friend Brad – Kumpas – from Montana, and I were making an EP together. We did five dope tracks in a week and then Brad left. After he was gone we decided to keep making more tracks and get the rest of the family on it. It was the junction: people from all over making great music in one place. Jimmy D: The Junction is just that, a junction created by many angles of creative musical expression. The Wake: Who are some of your favorite rappers? DJs? Optix: Qwel, from Typical Cats. His lyrical content and style is amazing and Boxcar Ira on the ones and twos is super fresh. Cadaver: No favorites, but in steady rotation I dig El-P’s production and lyrically, Aesop Rock Ed Text: Lyrically, nobody impresses me more than Gift of Gab from The Wake: What do you think about the new McDonald’s rap-inspired commercials? Boxcar: I feel like they finally reached out to people like myself, who just didn’t feel like Mc-e-dees had done much in the past to reach out to me & mines, now they’ve given us a McVoice. Optix: One word, Garbage. Ed: I saw this carpet commercial the other day where Santa started break-dancing. I didn’t know St. Nick could do flares, that’s nuts. Besides, what kind of country would we be if we didn’t have major media to reduce our livelihood down to gimmicks and catch phrases? MNeapolis Junction has shows every month. Check their website for updates, http://clik.to/mnjunction. They play this December 22nd at the Terminal Bar with Carnage and at Gastof’s on the 30th with the Foundation. Cadaver and Optix are working on the Enemy Entropist album which will be done in early 2005. The Wake: What are your goals right now? What is success to you guys? We Love You Julie You Are Choice. Sound & Vision Rollin’ At The Roller Derby Tegan and Sara Unleash Canadian Fury Upon the Quest On August 20, 1966 the world was blessed with a kind, fun loving man who became one of the greatest guitar players to walk the face of the planet. In Columbus, Ohio on December 8, 2004 he was taken away from us in a senseless act of violence. “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott was playing a concert with his band Damageplan and a man jumped on the stage and shot Darrell to death, and three others. “Dimebag” Darrell and brother Vinnie Paul (also of Damageplan) were founding members in legendary metal band Pantera. Darrell’s Exhorder-influenced groove laden thrash metal guitar playing, laced with ample shredding, helped to define metal guitar playing in the 1990’s. Pantera released five albums, all metal classics. After the dissolution of Pantera Darrell and Vinnie formed the band Damageplan and released New Found Power in 2004. Darrell was known throughout the metal world as one of its greatest guitar players as well as a good natured man who lived in revelry. Darrell personally had a major effect on my life. In my senior year of high school my friend Jake Diercks and I attended a Pantera concert. Before that night I didn’t listen to music at all, but after being awed by Darrell’s guitar playing, the ferocity of vocalist Phil Anselmo, as well as the superb drumming of Vinnie and Rex’s bass playing, I was an unabashed metalhead. I know a great number of people in the metal scene who also give Darrell and Pantera the credit for bringing them into metal. Darrell’s music was something that gave great joy to millions of metalheads worldwide. Dimebag changed the face of metal, for the better. The music of both Pantera and Damageplan will have deep meaning for Darrell’s fans for the rest of their lives. The metal world sends its sincerest condolences and prayers to the friends and families of all the people killed on December 8. And to Darrell, believe our word as you unlock that door and pass the cemetery gates, you changed the way we are, and we’ll always love you for it. Rest in peace our metal brother. THE Wake December 15, 2004 Photos By Verity Baker By Brant Johnson Sound & Vision By Verity Baker I now know what it’s like to do something because of peer pressure, and it’s all the fault of the Minnesota Roller Derby Girls. The moment I walked into the Turf Club, these ridiculously hot girls on roller skates started recruiting. Some of them have scrapes and bruises and all of them are tough as nails. Knowing that these girls can kick my ass is part of the reason I will end up having my jaw wired shut. The other reason is that when you are drunk you are very open to suggestion, thus I was the perfect target. As one Roller Girl after another whizzed past me in some outfit that would make anyone’s fetish list, it was hard to concentrate on the task at hand: drinking. Also, I think I am writing a story on this one, so I must to talk to these Roller Girls. Man, this job is hard. Having to talk to really hot girls -- jealous much? Every time that I tried to talk to one of the Roller Girls they would not say one word to me unless I had signed up (sigh, the things I do for The Wake). So here is what I have now committed to: practice at least two times a week, go out in an outfit that I am sure my mother would be proud of, and of course, drink. Besides all the beer, underwear, arm wrestling and eyeliner, the best part of the Roller Girls at the Turf Club is the fact that is was all about the ladies. There were guys there, but I am sure they would have been scared to even look a Roller Girl in the eye, let alone tell them how unbelievably hot they are. One could do nothing but take a side seat to the Roller Girls; sad to say even the bands that played were not quite the show that the Roller Girls were. So here is what I have learned from one night with the Roller Girls: You can kick ass and still be wicked hot. Also that the practices are at Cheap Skate, Sunday from 6 p.m. to8 p.m., Tuesday from 8:30 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. and Thursday 8:30 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. You will need a helmet and a bad-itude. In addition, if you had any doubt that the Roller Girls were true ladies, they sent a thank you card, right after the Turf Club. That is true class. Check out the RollerGirls at mnrollergirls.com. In Memoriam: “Dimebag” Darrel Abbot 14 jij & iji -By Eireann Lorsung- Co mix The Broken Sidewalk -By Devin EnszThe Broken Sidewalk -By Devin Ensz- Web Site of the Issue: www.fat-pie.com/ flash.html BASTARD The Wake Picks Mmm ... salad ...fingers. Just Another Day -By Eli ZimmermanTHE Wake December 15, 2004 13 December 15, 2OO4 ll Po - ad roi 12 The Wake Asks: How Do You Pronounce This Hall Name: Wiley Photo Poll By Brie Cohen Wiley. Israa Khan Freshman Psychology Wiley... Spencer Faust Freshman Theater Wiley. I know, Wiley, Wiley. Wiley is what I say. Senior Strategic Communications The Wake Chats With Genealogists The Wake Brings You: Classroom Doodles! thewakeisgood (12:55:23 PM): read the wake zyd29g (12:55:25 PM): i got a nasty picture up on here, can ya find it? wz51bc (12:55:31 PM): im kinda wet thewakeisgood (12:55:36 PM): youʼre wet? thewakeisgood (12:55:39 PM): im kinda wake spongebobie8765 (12:55:39 PM): u guys should b thankful that ur alive thewakeisgood (12:55:41 PM): you should be thankful for The Wake wz51bc (12:55:50 PM): go here to see my pics thewakeisgood (12:55:51 PM):go here to read The Wake…wakenews.org x5yyct (12:55:57 PM): hey, i got my cam up what ya think of it? thewakeisgood (12:56:12 PM): read the wake v6kezf (12:56:12 PM): tonight i did the strangest thing spongebobie8765 (12:56:13 PM): ok iʼll read the wake thewakeisgood (12:56:26 PM): we have pics zyd29g (12:56:29 PM): today i just did get my new see through panties, pic here thewakeisgood (12:56:44 PM): not panties…fortnightly publication zyd29g (12:56:53 PM): i love it here thewakeisgood (12:57:06 PM): i know, the wake is choice! zyd29g (12:57:09 PM): its simple, what you want is here as it says, its free! thewakeisgood (12:57:57 PM): so is The Wake, itʼll get you laid thewakeisgood (12:58:22 PM): fortnightly v6kezf (12:58:22 PM): this link is for you baby thewakeisgood (12:58:38 PM): this link is for you, wakenews.org…not the ache…WAKE zyd29g (12:59:41 PM): tonight i did the strangest thing thewakeisgood (12:59:46 PM): i get it already! did you read the wake? We here at the fanturbertabulous Wake are extatic with the response we got from the classroom doodles submissions. In fact, we are so happy that we decided to print the ONE submission that we had. Now come on people, get on board the Wake Love Train and submit your choice classromm doodles! We know you have em! Classroom Doodle By Luc Nelson Wiley. Abby Frenzel Freshman Retail Merchandising Step away from that hard-core news. Relax, harness your chi and read... THE WAKE’s ARBITRARY AWARDS! BEST reason that your majestic pet lion, Zanzibar shouldnʼt eat you: There is no reason. He definitely should eat you. WORST idea ever in the history of the world: Eating BBQ without a moistee wipe. BEST magazine besides The Wake: The “Weʼre Pretty Good but Not as Good as The Wake” Magazine. BEST thing the name “Gabby” brings to mind: A very loud, large-breasted woman from New York who is a publicist who is an aunt; sheʼs a chain smoker who loves Shiraz. Sheʼs good, we like her. BEST thing thatʼs going to happen to us: Nothing. Weʼre doomed to hell. BEST year: Last year was a very good year. Poetry Awake Tonight I am roused from vicodin sleep by alley cats “You betta’ get up off me niggah!” a woman’s voice I am lonely for a touch I would be content The woman is a girl sitting in the alley Where every afternoon there is a “car show” with the push that D gives hard to knock the girl two steps back Beautiful Puerto Rican and black boys Hang out in the shade Would that be enough contact for good sleep? Drink and smoke You can smell it She laughs Bottles clang in the night and smoke rich and comforting maybe I want to be the girl in the street Asking, “D, you mad? D, you mad?” And the silence that follows tells me That it is not enough Getting up and dusting off And leading D into the dark By Ayme Almendarez LITERARY When it rains it pours but tonight is a drought And let me tell you it is dry Poetry Pearl As Dylan Thomas wrote his villanelle, The sea sucked up the frame sky downward hurled. Icarus touched the sun before he fell. Wax worshipped sun and father’s bond did melt, white feathers round the sinking dove light twirled, Icarus touched the sun before he fell. “Subservience” By Andrew Lange h 144 x w 56 x d 20 in. THE Wake That feeling heart’s descent no man could tell, it filled the mouth and lungs, words limped and curled, As Dylan Thomas wrote his villanelle. Sculpture Boy’s skin, a boiled tomato peeled like a bell, boy’s life, like twined red ribbon blown unfurled, as Dylan Thomas wrote his villanelle. The sea with salty eyes and wide tears swells, and though it has no heart, holds many pearls. As Dylan Thomas wrote his villanelle, Icarus touched the sun before he fell. By Danika Stegeman December 15, 2004 Who knew the sun could weep a watery hell, upset the waves and break the shell that whirled? Icarus touched the sun before he fell. 11 Literary December 15, 2004 10 Short Fiction why I don’t look up at night “What if all the stars were already dead?” This is how he breaks the silence. Bastard. Weird bastard. I take him out here to this stupid frozen pond and sit with him until our cheeks look like mottled marble, cold white and pale red, sit listening to my teeth grind until I choke out what I need to say. He just brushes my hand with his, leaving his pinky resting on the grey wool of my glove where I can’t feel it (but know it’s there)—and stares back out over the pond. And now this. I take my hand out from under his finger and pretend to myself that I’m going to get up and walk home without him. “Huh?” I say. “Every single one could have already supernovaed and burned out. Shined its last shine, and all we’re getting are reruns.” “Not re-runs. Original broadcasts.” “Last broadcasts. Maybe we’ve been looking at an empty sky all our lives and not even known it.” I think about all the stars going out one by one, snapping out with a solemn clap like the way cell block lights shut down in prison shows, one by one, until there’s nothing left but bare black sky and no one will ever see a star again. “New stars are born all the time,” is what I say. When we’re standing outside of my lousy goddamn dormitory he takes my hand in his and squeezes. I’m too cold to feel it. Years later I stand in a city where you can never see the stars, where you can hardly see the sky through a low dome of smog-reflected city light, holding two frozen TV dinners in my hands. I’m trying to decide between Cherry Chiken Delite and Paradice-d Pork (with creamy potatoes) when this voice cuts in. “Carol? Carol is that you?” “Julie?” “Oh my god. What are you doing? I’m rescuing you. I’m going to feed you a fancy dinner, and you’re going to feed me all the gossip you know.” “Wait—what—“ “Come on!” When the food comes Julie takes out her retainer and sets it on the table. Perfect false white teeth poke out of it at odd angles, bright plastic bound by wires and gilded with light spittle. It looks like a monster’s crown. Julie lives in the city now, an editor for the Big Magazine here. She tells me she has adopted a Somalian girl. She tells me she married an astrophysicist. “David once told me that all the stars could have burned out millions of years ago, and no one would even know,” I say. When Julie laughs, the gaps in her teeth wink like eyes. “God. That sounds just like him—the poor guy.” “What do you mean?” “Didn’t you know? He died a couple of years ago. Swarmed to death by bees. Can you believe it?” Julie shudders. “God, I hate bees.” Lying on my bed, I clutch a tissue box to my chest like an offering. For the first time, I think about what happens to the light of a dead star. After it passes the earth, where does it go? Could you look the other direction and watch it get farther and farther away? When all the stars go out, will the light remain—skating through emptiness forever, until it bends back and comes around again? By Alex Davy Meditation from the Editor: I thought, in honor of finals week, I’d change things up with a calming meditation. Close your eyes and say: I am smart. The fact that I am even in college says that I am in the top two-percent of the most educated people on the planet. (really) I can do this. If I am not a Freshman: I have done this before. If I am a Freshman: I am surrounded by people who have made it through this. I am smart and I can do this and there is an end to all of this. This will end and I will have a real life outside of O-chem or Shakespeare or Art History or Trig. No matter what, come December 22nd, 2004…the semester will be over. Have a good one. Sincerely, your humble and calm Editor—Zachary Cody Lee Carlsen P.M.S. (post meditation script, that is) With your free time over break: SEND SUBMISSIONS—ALL TYPES, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE! [email protected] Huzzah! You’ve Been By Vincent Staupe Voices Staff Writer It’s the most wonderful time of the year, or so that Prozac-infused song affirms. Personally, the commercialism of the holidays and the rigors of preparing for finals leave much to be resented. Nevertheless, you find yourself celebrating with friends at a local dance bar having, surprisingly, a good time. And it’s there, while you’re feigning being a dancer on the floor surrounded by your boyfriend/ girlfriend and friends, after you’ve offered him/her to spend the night (again) that you’re hit with the phrase like a whack-amole. Wham. Suddenly, inexplicably, the rules change. An “I’ve been dumped” card appears in your hand like a golden ticket in a candy bar. And now you’re able to do all sorts of things like throw empty objects (choose only one please –Miller Lite Bottle, Pint of Ben & Jerry’s or a wine bottle, preferably Shiraz) at that so-bad-it’s-good “Chrismahanukwanzakah” commercial. You’re also able to watch hours of that high school drama show, “Degrassi” on Noggin (the cable network for teens) as you fantasize about a simpler time when it seemed the only issue in your life was when your single mother dated your science teacher. You can even admit your fondness for the “Ashley” character to your friends without guilt or embarrassment, when they looked at you with that “you’re a freak” expression on their faces. Simply pull out, “I’ve been dumped,” like it’s an American Express Platinum card. Now, in all seriousness there is a major issue I must now address – namely, to the number of people out there who are absolute morons when it comes to dumping someone. Luckily, dear reader, for those dumpers who are tastefully waiting until after the holidays and semester, I’ve come up with a few things one should remember when uttering those infamous last words, “We should talk” (take note, O ye who shall not be named, But I’ll Label Licentiously)! ll Po -ad roi Illustration By Sam Soule Dumped! Unless you get off on watching your significant other squirm in agony, please save them some dignity and be as quick and efficient as possible. Do the dirty deed in a quiet, well-lit place, where it is just the two of you. If you are afraid of being, say, chucked in the head with whatever’s within the dumpee’s grasp, then choose a coffee shop with suspect clientele where there won’t be any shiny objects laying out on any of the The Wake Asks: tables. B e forewarned, however, that coffee is hot when thrown in your face. Also, if the two of you are involved in a student group or activity wait at least a week or two before rejoining the group activity (underline the following, you aforementioned unnamable). And with that, I wish you and yours (or just you) a Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah! Vincent Staupe welcomes comments, stories, and inquiries about where to send bottles of Shiraz at [email protected]. Photo Poll By Andy Tyra Wake Whatʼs the worst break-up line youʼve ever received? December 15, 2004 THE 9 “There’s just not enough joy in your life.” “I just don’t feel like being with you all the time.” “My boyfriend’s new girlfriend called me and said, ‘Stop calling him. He has a new girlfriend. Your relationship is over.’ I was so confused” “It was in sixth grade. She knew I liked her, so she said, ‘I really like you.’ And I said, ‘Really? So do I.’ Then she said, ‘Oh, just kidding.’ And she laughed, and so did everyone else. To this day, it hurts.” –Greta Steiffert– Junior, Public Relations –Elliot Johnson– Sophmore, Biology –Mao Lee– Freshman, Undecided –Paul Jackson– Senior, MIS VOICES December 15, 2004 8 Hail The First Lady? Hillary was exercising her power as a senior people in Virginia through the death of her litigating partner of a law firm in Little Rock, first husband in 1757. Marrying her, George Arkansas. In 1991 National Law Journal gained 20,000 acres of land, 23,000 British named her, at 41, one of the hundred most pounds and two homes. powerful lawyers Throughout the in the nation. years, a number of Clearly Bill, as the first ladies have A number of the first ladies the young Democratic sculpted the culture have sculpted the culture and of our nation governor of Arkansas, was not as much as their of our nation as much as the only Clinton husbands. Martha their husbands. bringing home Washington, Jackie the bacon. In fact, Kennedy, Eleanor Hillary made the Roosevelt, Hillary majority of the income. This was the only Clinton. These women each had something time in history that a first lady had an income to contribute to the political arena that their so far exceeding that of her husband. husbands alone could not. These women, Even before Hillary, there were a although playing a secondary role in the number of first ladies who brought a great White House, played a first-class role in the deal of wealth to their husbands through history of the nation. marriage. The first, first lady, Martha Washington became one of the wealthiest Kelsey Snyder is a history Voices THE December 15, 2004 Illustration By Molly Wick Wake dedication that this occurred. During his recovery time, Eleanor traveled and campaigned for her husband. Eleanor’s devotion to her causes made her a great woman of the era. Millions of Americans wrote letters to her -- not her husband -- asking for policy change or expressing how pleased they were with the administration. Eleanor also wrote a newspaper column. When women reporters were not allowed in the White House press room to see the president, Eleanor held By Kelsey Snyder press conferences elsewhere just for female journalists. Guest Columist While traditionally first ladies merely They say that behind every great man threw parties and served as hostesses for is a great woman. This is certainly true for social events, Eleanor was the first wife of the U.S. presidents and their wives. But a president with an official position in her how is it that some presidencies turn into husband’s administration. (The only other is Hillary Clinton.) She was a member of more of a joint venture? the Office of Civilian When one thinks of Defense, working with John Kennedy, what is the next thing that Like few women of her the mayor of New York City to prepare the comes to mind? His time, Eleanor Roosevelt civilian population for elegant wife Jackie, of World War II. She held was a genius in the course. And when the this position for only topic of Bill Clinton’s political arena. five weeks. Eleanor administration enters came to understand a conversation, who that she would never is the next person thought of -- his wife, Sen. Hillary Rodham be seen as a serious political leader due to a Clinton, D-NY. When a president is elected great deal of criticism and ridicule. Years later, The Kennedys captured into office, so is his wife. Eleanor Roosevelt, for example, is often the hopes and dreams of the 1960s. Jackie regarded as the woman who started the Kennedy added style to the White House. first-lady revolution. Her husband, Franklin At 31, she did not possess the political Delano Roosevelt, is often attributed as ambition of her husband, or even Eleanor being the third greatest president in our Roosevelt. She was the shining star of the history, only behind George Washington White House for a distinct reason: her and Abraham Lincoln. He said of his wife, widely imitated fashion and lifestyle. When “I am sometimes a little selfish and make Jackie Kennedy wore a style, it was certain it life a trifle dull for her really brilliant mind would appear on nearly every woman in the United States. and spirit.” Jackie would often befriend cold White Like few women of her time, Eleanor was a genius in the political arena. Without House guests. By the end of their visits her dedication and drive, FDR would not they would be walking through the halls have overcome polio or returned to politics. arm in arm with her. She even charmed the It was through her encouragement and culture minister of France, Andre Malraux, into loaning the Mona Lisa to the National Gallery in Washington, D.C. The most famous illustration of Jackie’s popularity is when Jack Kennedy played the role of first The Wake Student Magazine husband. Speaking to 540 reporters upon welcomes ideas from readers for returning from a trip to France, Jack said, opinion pieces. “I am the man who accompanied Jacqueline Ideas should focus on campus, Kennedy to Paris.” national, or international issues, and Hillary Rodham Clinton: whether you how they affect students. love or hate her, you cannot ignore the fact Please send pitches to: that she is one of the most powerful women in the world today. Few politicians hold such [email protected] a commanding and intelligent presence. Hillary was the first wife of a president to Conrad Wilson, contributing editor demand an office in the west wing of the The Wake Student Magazine White House instead of the traditional east 1313 5th Street SE Suite 331 wing. When questioned, President Clinton Minneapolis, MN 55414 simply said, “It is done.” Even before her reign as first lady, 8 Future Stars from the Big Ten Lawrence Maroney – Minnesota In only his sophomore season, Maroney has showcased many talents that will make him an NFL prospect. Maroney has great speed and the ability to break any run for a touchdown. He scored in all but two games this season, rushed for over six yards a carry, and is only 19 years old! Braylon Edwards-Michigan Edwards has great size at 6-3, along with great hands. He may not be the fastest receiver in College Football but will do well in the NFL because of his ability to take over a game with big plays and his consistency on game day. Erasmus James – Wisconsin James is an exceptional pass rusher with above average run stopping ability. He is 6-4, 260 pounds and will tickle the feathers of many NFL defensive coordinators on draft day. Fall Semester Most Valuable GopherGreg Eslinger When a team has as good of a rushing attack as the Minnesota Gophers, it’s easy pat the running backs on the back. But it all starts on the line, and no one has been more instrumental in Lawrence Maroney and Marion Barber’s success than junior center Greg Eslinger. Not only was he a Lombardi Award semi-finalist, he made the freaking Playboy All-American team. *Hint for Gopher athletes: Make the Playboy All-America team, and you will be mentioned in The Wake. Fantasy Football Sleeper of the Year – Curtis Martin Athletics Biggest Waste of Space – Michael Olowokandi This Timberwolves dud once proclaimed himself the next best center in the NBA. Sorry, Kandi-man, but your ship sailed long ago, and you’re drifting in a sea of mediocrity. Maybe if you spent more time on basketball and less time refusing to leave Indianapolis night clubs until the police have to use a stun gun on you, you’d be an alright player. But it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon. Martin has been overshadowed by dominant backs like Priest Holmes and Jamal Lewis over the past couple years, but this year fantasy owners of Curtis Martin should be thanking the sleeper gods. At thirty one years old, Sir Curtis is on pace for another 1500 yard rushing season, which he has not been able to accomplish since 2001. In addition to piling up yards, Martin is quietly on pace to make 2004 a career best all across the board, hoping to end his tenth year in the league with 15 scores. Considering he only had three end zone trips last year, this is a huge increase for Martin. Congratulations to the fantasy owners who gambled on the veteran in their Fantasy Football leagues this season. THE Wake December 15, 2004 Worst to First Award – Willis McGahee In his second season, Willis McGahee has shown the NFL his extraordinary talent after not taking one snap last year for the Buffalo Bills. The lack of playing time last year was due to a knee injury and the rehabilitation that was required to cure the injury. This season McGahee has started only six games and has scored seven times. He is also is on pace for over 1,000 yards. McGahee won the running back battle after starting for the injured Travis Henry and outperforming him during that time. With Drew Bledsoe scrambling as well as a hard-boiled egg, McGahee gives Buffalo a much-needed ground attack. 7 2004 Athletics December 15, 2004 6 Wake End of the Semester Awards The John Kerry Flip Flop Award- Moe Hargrow The one-time promising Gopher Basketball player decided to jump ship last year and transfer to Arkansas. It seemed he didn’t like his role in the Kris Humphries-super offense. Flash forward to a Humphries-less roster this year, and the St. Paul native is back in Minnesota… How convenient. Hargrow transferred back to the U, but is ineligible this year. The Clem Haskins Low-Light Award- Minnesota/Indiana football game This game had to be the low-light of a very disappointing football season. It wasn’t so much that it was Indiana’s only Big Ten win on the season. It wasn’t so much the fact that our receivers couldn’t catch a cold, dropping at least two touchdowns. It wasn’t so much how, with three minutes left, we couldn’t stop them from getting first down after first down by running the ball down our throat to close out the game. The real problem was that I drove twelve hours to see the shittiest football game in my history as a Gopher fan. 1997 Final Four Non-Existent Award- Paris Hamilton This Gopher football wide out entered the season with high expectations after sitting out last year with a knee injury. When this guy transferred to the Gophers from Tyler Junior College in 2003, the hype surrounding him increased by the day. Last year, he was a preseason All Big Ten pick, but had to miss the season because of injury. Moving ahead to this year, Hamilton once again was a preseason All Big Ten pick, but this time he was healthy. The problem? He only caught four passes. NFL Rookie of the Year – Ben Roethlisberger Writing By Lane Trisko and Craig Rentmeester Illustrations By Sam Soule Ben Roethlisberger has been nothing short of dynamite for the Steelers this year. After taking over for Tommy Maddox in the third game of the season, Big Ben has catapulted the Steelers into first place. The key to his amazing record has been the consistency of the Steelers running game and his touchdown to turnover ratio. Jerome Bettis and Duce Staley have given Roethlisberger a reliable threat on the ground. Also, Big Ben has a two to one touchdown to inception ratio which has been a major key to his amazing record as a starter. Look for future success from this confident rookie in Pittsburgh. Shame On You, Coke! Corporate accountability group accuses Coke of stealing water Morris (now Altria) for undisclosed risks about use of tobacco products. Corporate Accountability demands If Coca-Cola didn’t make a net income of $5.9 billion in a year, it might evoke that Coca-Cola close its plants permanently sympathy. Coke is under fire again, this in India’s communities of Plachimada and time from the same group that nearly Mehdiganj to prevent further lowering of shut Nestlé down for contaminated infant water tables. The Kerala High Court ruled in a case formula in Africa and South America in the that disputed the use 1970s. of water in Plachimada, This time, India that groundwater Corporate Accountability Because of the is common property. International, formerly This limits the amount known as Infact, now dramatic drop of water Coca-Cola is says that Coke is in usable water, allowed to use. overstressing water In response to CAI’s tables in India. In one people have begun allegations, Coca-Cola community, Plachimada, using water in spokesperson Scott the groundwater level polluted rivers Williamson stated that decreased by 40 feet, an analysis by Coke, according to information for bathing and independent laboratories provided by CAI. drinking. and the Indian The group says that government showed because of the dramatic that production of Coke drop in usable water, people have begun using water in polluted does not harm the environment. Williamson rivers for bathing and drinking. This causes also noted that, globally, Coke decreased its the spread of cholera, a bacteria-based water use last year, even while increasing production volumes. disease often associated with pollution. This is not the first time that Coca-Cola In mid-November, CAI sponsored an event where students who share complaints has come under the scrutiny of the eyes of about Coca-Cola could call a hotline and college students. The student senate of Carleton College, leave a message asking Coke to, “Stop stealing water.” The exact total of calls located in Northfield, Minn., voted to end its has not yet been tabulated, but according vending contract because of the murder of to Minneapolis organizer Jacek Pruski, several Coca-Cola union workers in South hundreds have called to protest Coke’s American countries, including Columbia. The vote resulted from visits from an actions across the country. The protests in the United States organization called Killer Coke. This group’s latest advancement came are joined with efforts in early December from India as well. Last when NYU’s student life month, more than 1,000 Carleton College committee recommended people marched 150 a ban on the sale of Coke miles in 12 days to protest voted to end its products on campus. Coca-Cola’s overuse of vending contract The group makes water. Police arrested allegations of Coca-Cola some marchers before because of the locking employees into they reached the Cocamurder of several a plant to force them into Cola plant destination. Coca-Cola union resigning their union According to CAI, police contracts. are still detaining three workers in South In response to these people. American countries. allegations, Coke has CAI, in its previous posted another Web site life as Infact, protested called www.cokefacts.org Nestlé Corporation in 1977, estimating that millions of infants saying, “The pervasive violence in Colombia, died due to contaminated water mixed with and the targeting of union members by its the formula. Among other past and present perpetrators, has, unfortunately, touched causes are General Electric for its support The Coca-Cola Company in a very personal of nuclear weapons programs and Phillip way. Employees of our Company and By Kay Steiger Campus THE Wake December 15, 2004 bottling partners in Colombia have been threatened, kidnapped, and some have even been murdered.” The university is in the midst of its 10-year contract with Coke, and groups like CAI are not currently asking for universities to boycott Coke or end the vending contract. “There is a possibility of a boycott in the future,” Pruski says, “and in the past Infact’s boycott against Nestle was very successful.” Illustration By Éireann Lorsung 5 Campus December 15, 2004 4 THE MAN BEHIND THE PLATE A portrait of the president at the U By Abigail Mackenzie An hour to exercise his mind and body is all the president of the University of Minnesota needs to have a good day. With a smile, President Robert Bruininks adds a good day is also a day where he can imagine a major increase in state funding for the university. Throughout the interview, Bruininks loops back to the struggle the university faces in the Minnesota Legislature. Despite the financial difficulties the university faces, Bruininks remains an optimist. It shows. One of his favorite poems, by Emily Dickenson begins, “Hope” is the thing with feathersThat perches in the soulAnd sings the tune without the wordsAnd never stops-at all Bruininks himself never seems to stop. The tall, lean man whose white hair frames a strong profile is in constant motion. He moves about his spacious office, plucking a picture of his favorite horse from the floor-to-ceiling shelves that line a wall. A typical week is 70 hours with days that begin before dawn and end well past sunset during the short days in Minnesota winter months. He has dinner meetings four to five nights a week and seldom eats dinner at home. Home is Eastcliff. The white, expansive, colonial-style house sits on land overlooking the Mississippi river and has been home to university presidents for the last 46 years. According to Bruininks, Eastcliff affords the best view of downtown Minneapolis in the Twin Cities. Bruininks shares the house with his wife President Robert Bruininks has worked at the University for the last 36 years. Susan Hagstrum, his dog Dunbar, and over 7,000 universities in the country. Bruininks has worked for the University of visitors every year. Events are constantly being held at Eastcliff, so often in fact that Bruininks Minnesota for the last 36 years. He has seen the university through the eyes of a professor, dean, has trouble keeping up with the schedule. Once, when a fraternity was hosting parents executive vice-president provost, and finally as for a Sunday brunch at Eastcliff, Bruininks the president. As president, Bruininks wandered downstairs misses teaching. He enjoyed oblivious to what was going teaching because it was on, a scene that has replayed A typical week is always challenging. itself in different ways a few “You get to learn along times. 70 hours with days Mishaps like these may with the students. There that begin before wasn’t a semester where I felt happen at Eastcliff, but once I didn’t learn more than the Bruininks gets to work he dawn and end well students,” Bruininks says. carries an intricate computerpast sunset. The more than a quarter generated schedule, which outlines his highly structured century Bruininks has spent at the university shows. day. Looking at it tells you where Bruininks is supposed to be at any given He said his favorite band is the Minnesota Marching Band (along with the Grateful Dead), moment during the week. Despite his busy schedule, Bruininks and his favorite song is the Minnesota Rouser; figures he is the best-fed man on campus. he knows the words by heart. When he tries to relax, Bruininks says With all of the lunches and dinners he attends Bruininks calls himself the all-you-can-eat man he heads for the comfort of close friends and and sites his full stomach as one of the biggest family. perks of being president at one of the largest “When you live your life in a crowd, one of Photo Courtesy of the University of Minnesota the best ways to relax is to hang out with family and friends,” Bruininks says. Some of Bruininks’ closest friends walk on all fours. Bruininks began horseback riding five years ago and hasn’t stopped since. Becoming president of the university did make it a little harder to find time to ride, but that doesn’t stop Bruininks from saddling up Champagne Happy Hour, his favorite horse, for some friendly competition at the Minnesota State Fair. When he does have free time and he’s isn’t horseback riding, Bruininks likes to take a break from all the university catered meals and head over to some of his favorite restaurants in St. Paul like Café 128 near St. Thomas (where he likes the fish) or Pad Thai on Grand Ave. He also likes to unwind with a beer or good red wine, but says he rarely indulges in alcohol. President Bruininks enjoys reading and listening to jazz as well. When he decides to move on, President Bruininks says he hopes he leaves the university a stronger place. “I want to leave this university stronger academically and financially when I found it. I want people to know the best days are still ahead at the University.” Vol.3 Issue 7 THE Wake December 15, 2OO4 Student Magazine Campus Athletics Voices -10-12-14- Literary Editor In Chief Executive Administrator Campus Editor Contributing Editor 9 6 18 Lane Trisko Art Director Brie Cohen Photo Editor Andy Tyra Web Editor Andy Tyra Advertising Executive Cover Art Photography -16- Ashlee Simpson Does Milli Vanilli From the Editors Conrad Wilson Athletics Editor Cover Stories -4- President Robert Bruininks Gets Personal Kay Steiger Zachary Carlsen Illustrators/Cartoons -9- Huzzah! You Got Dumped! Julie Seebold Literary Editor Graphic Design -6- Move Over Oscars! It’s Athletics Awards Time! Frederic Hanson Frederic Hanson Business Manager 4 Morgon Mae Schultz Sound & Vision Editor Copy Editors Bastard Pages Sound & Vision Established in 2002, The Wake is an independent fortnightly magazine, produced by and for students at the University of Minnesota. The Wake is a registered student organization. Managing Editor WWW.WAKENEWS.ORG CONTENTS -4-6-8- The Wake Contributing Writers Melanie Bloom Marissa Krzmarzick Julie Seebold Chris Compton Megan Steidl Eli Zimmerman Zachary Carlsen Brie Cohen Heather Iselin Eric Price Morgon Mae Schultz Kay Steiger Devin Ensz Erieann Lorsung Sam Soule L. Strange Molly Wick Eli Zimmerman Verity Baker Brie Cohen Andy Tyra Ayme Alernandez Verity Baker Alex Davy Kim Gengler Frederic Hanson Brandt Johnson Abigail Mackenzie Craig Rantmeester Kelsey Snyder Vincent Staupe Craig Stegman Kay Steiger Lane Trisko Dear Readers, As we cram toward that fat three-week vacation, let us remember those of us who will not be cashing a student-loan check in February: those brave souls heading toward cubicular confinement -- our graduating friends. And none of the class of the fall of 2004 will be missed so much as our beloved, much-appreciated and much-relied-upon office manager, Julie Seebold, who is heading to Iowa to become much-relied upon at a TV station there. Good luck, Julie. We heart you. Morgon Mae Schultz, editor in chief Frederic Hanson, managing editor The Wake was founded by Chris Ruen and James Delong. The Wake 1313 5th St. SE Minneapolis, MN 55414 612.379.5952 Send Letters To: [email protected] With letters, please include your name, year and college. The Wake does not publish annonymous letters. www.wa kenews.org © 2004 All Rights Reserved ������� ������� �� ���������� ������� ������ ��������������������������� ������������ ����������������������������� ��������������� ������� ������������������������������� ������������������������������������������ ��������������������� ����������������������� ������������������������������������������������������������������ ����������������������������������������������������������������������� ���������������������������������������������������������������������������� ����������������������������������������������������������� THE vol.3 issue.7 www.wakenews.org Wake Student Magazine MoveOverOscars!It’sAthleticsAwardsTi me! AshleeSi mpsonDoesM illiVa n illi H uzza h!Yo uG otDu mped! PresidentRobertBru i n i nksGetsPersonal The U’s Fortnightly Student Magazine December 15, 2004