elders - David Zach, Futurist

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SCHWARTZ BUSINESS BOOKS/800-CEO-READ BESTSELLER
“Funny, funny, funny . . . If you like Dave Barry or Lewis Grizzard, you’re going to love David Zach.”
Bookman News
“. . . a guide to pigeonholing just about everyone . . .”
Michael Arnold, Chicago Sun Times
“Zachronyms is a delightful, witty and original take on the human condition.”
James A. Cox, Midwest Book Review
“Expand your vocabulary and have fun!”
Wisconsin State Journal
“This book is hilarious!”
Dick Chudnow, Cofounder of ComedySportz
“David Zach is a hoot. . . . I’m no futurist, but 20 years from now
when DINKWADS and other Zachronyms enter the Oxford English Dictionary,
we will have David Zach to thank—or blame. The English language will probably
be a little bit longer and a whole lot funnier.”
Buck Wolf, ABCNEWS.com
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To: Dick Chudnow
From: David Zach
Subject: Quote for the book?
Date: Thu, 08 Oct 1998
Page 2
Dick,
We're going into a second printing and want to put quotes
from reviews etc. on the front page. Would you like to add
your two cents?
How should I list you? Cofounder of ComedySportz?
Thanks for your help.
Dave
To: David Zach
From: Dick Chudnow
Subject: My two cents
Date: Fri, 09 Oct 1998
Dave,
List me anyway you want.
I read the whole book, and I never do that.
This is a book with a capital B.
I read all the words in this book, and I usually
only look at the pictures.
Once I started reading, I knew I was reading a book.
My legs hurt from laughing so much.
There are only two books I would recommend.
This one and the next one Dave writes.
Dick
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™
funny words for funny times
david zach
| editor
cartoons by jim rowden
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Copyright © 1998 by David M. Zach
Cartoons copyright © 1998 by David M. Zach
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form
or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying
and recording, or by an information storage and retrieval system—
except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to
be printed in a magazine, newsletter, or newspaper—without
permission in writing from the publisher.
For information, please contact:
Innovative Futures
544 E. Ogden Avenue, Suite 700-396
Milwaukee, WI 53202
414-278-0414
ISBN # 1-891630-00-8
LCCN # 97-77834
Although the author and publisher have made every effort to
ensure the accuracy and completeness of information contained in
this book, we assume no responsibility for errors, inaccuracy,
omissions, or any inconsistency herein.
This book is a parody, and any slights of people, places, products,
or organizations are unintentional. As a matter of fact, glowing
endorsements from the author of said people, places, products,
and organizations are available for cash or trade.
Second printing November 1998
eBook revision March 2003
4
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dedication
JOSEPH WILLIAM SANDERS
“pop”
1898-1989
humor is hereditary
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9
introduction
11
families
youth 25
elders 33
lifestyles 43
work 59
money 73
love
81
naming names 107
contents
7
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Zachronyms are acronyms–made-up words using the
first letters in a phrase to make a new word, like
saying POSSLQ instead of Persons of the Opposite
Sex Sharing Living Quarters or BYOB for Bring
Your Own Beer. Most acronyms are invented by
people in big organizations who are trying to save
time, but who end up sounding like they’re speaking
Martian. Maybe they are–it would explain a lot
about these modern times.
introduction
Zachronyms are not from Mars–they’re from people like you and me right here on planet Earth.
Some Zachronyms tell you about your fellow earthlings and what they’re thinking and doing. Other
Zachronyms are just for laughs. All together,
Zachronyms give you a new set of words that better explain money, work,love, and life in the early
years of this millennium.
Enjoy this book with friends and strangers alike.
You’ll share some good laughs, learn
some great new words, and be amazed that so
many of the people you find out there are in here
too. And, if you think of any new ones, be sure to
email them to [email protected]!
9
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families
... using the liberal definition
11
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dinks
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double income, no kids
dinkys
double income, no kids yet
ditkas
double income, two kids around someplace
12
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dinkwacs
double income, no kids, with a cat
13
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nikes
no income, kids everywhere
14
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double income, college kids
one income, no kids
single income, no kids
dickies
oinks
sinkers
15
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sitcoms
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single income, two children,
outrageous mortgage
sickos
single income, couple of kids
silkies
single income, lots of kids
16
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yummies
young, upwardly mobile mommies
17
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taffies
technologically advanced families
fully interested in electronic stuff
18
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single income, one or two ex-spouses
double unemployed, numerous kids
parents in nursing home, kids in school
sintex
dunkies
pinkies
19
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fobys
podwags
nebnos
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fathers older, babies younger
parents of dinks without any grandkids
new baby, no sleep
20
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rombies
really old mothers with babies
21
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fiestas
muddies
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families intent on establishing
shared time and stability
middle-aged, unhappy divorced dads
22
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poops
pet owners outnumbered by pets
23
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youth
25
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slackers
slopies
swampies
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students lacking
all common knowledge
students living off parents’ income
students wasting mom & pop’s income
26
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skippies
school kids with income and purchasing power
27
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naughties
needing an understanding grown-up to
help tame immature sensibilities
smackers
societal morons allowing children to
keep evading responsible standards
swoggies
students waiting on graduation gifts
flyers
fun-loving youth en route to success
28
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ckones
cynical kids of the nineties
29
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jerks
job-evading, reckless kids
farts
fathers against rowdy teenagers
swine
students wildly indignant
about nearly everything
30
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cabies
caffeine-addicted busy students
31
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elders
33
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oggies
on-the-go grandparents
34
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disgruntled old people
dopies
expecting lots despite
evading responsibility
elders
barely able to see
bats
35
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peepers
poor elders expecting prosperity
and early retirement
premies
premature retirees
expecting more income
zippers
zero-income post-professionals
enduring remaining savings
36
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fossils
faithful old secretaries still intensely laboring
37
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toppies
treacherous old people perpetrating
ill will, evil, and sarcasm
38
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frugal, responsible,
unpretentious mature persons
confident, old, financially
fit elders reveling in savings
frumpies
coffers
39
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woofies
well-off, over fifty
warts
wealthy and retired
by their sixties
40
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whordes
wealthy husbands who are
old and run down
41
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lifestyles
...and other attitudes
43
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faldos
fast-lane dropouts
44
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young urban failures
yuffies
middle-aged student radicals
masries
home-oriented moderates
with ethically renewed standards
homers
45
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scumies
socially conscious,
unless money’s involved
shirleys
stars have interesting reincarnated
lives, escaping your situation
oompies
opting out of the melting pot
46
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cooties
children out of
the early sixties
47
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dwamies
dead white american males
48
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colors
conflict only lengthens our resolve to separate
49
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waffles
low cals
hearts
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wholly addicted to fast food,
likely to eat seconds
losers of weight craving another
loaded serving
healthy exercisers against the
right to smoke
50
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huffies
heavy users of fast food
51
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readers
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respecting education is a detail of
employment and real success
tikes
think i know everything
lifers
losing intelligence fast,
embracing the remote
spams
stupid people avoiding
mental stimulation
52
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spores
stupid people on rented equipment
53
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uppies
unbelievably peppy people inevitably
expressing stupidity
54
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stupid people in need of
an education at reform school
spiners
doing only obligatory functions
and using up space
doofus
barely using mental skills
bums
55
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twits
those who insist they’re special
56
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least-appealing way you
employ revenge
pain in the ass
vengeful, over-taxed electorate
rejecting spenders
lawyers
pita
voters
57
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work
... is overrated
59
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prumpies
previously radical upwardly
mobile professionals
wumpies
worthless upwardly
mobile professionals
vuppies
vulgar urban professionals
60
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grumpies
grim, ruthless, upwardly mobile professionals
61
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lumpies
losing upward mobility professionals
62
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pregnant urban professionals
puppies
rural upwardly mobile
professionals
rumpies
cunning upwardly mobile
professionals
cumpies
63
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slumpies
slowly losing upward mobility
professionals
duppies
deceived about upward mobility
professionals
dumpies
downwardly mobile professionals
64
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yippies
young, indicted
professionals
65
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yupsids
marpies
gin rummies
dopes
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young urban professionals,
seriously in debt
middle-aged rural professionals
government income,
resisting upward mobility
dual occupations, perpetually
evading sucess
66
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disillusioned, relatively ordinary
professionals preferring independence
droppies
newly inspired baby boomers
leaving employers to rely on selves
nibblers
without having an income that exceeds the
cost of living, lots are really scared
white collars
67
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callers
cellular abusers loudly letting everyone
realize their status
68
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doing their required occupation,
neglecting everyone
retired on active duty
losers at managing everything
drones
roadies
lames
69
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beepers
busy executives engaged in pretending
electronics reveal superiority
bowties
big, overweight, totally
ineffective executives
peppies
perfect examples of the peter principle
70
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bitch
boys, i’m taking charge here
71
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money
...and the lack of it
73
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maffies
maddies
fibbers
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middle-aged affluent folks
middle-aged debtors
financially incompetent baby boomers
evading realistic savings
74
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buddies
baby boomers under deep debt
75
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ouchies
on unemployment, couch habitant
76
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lombards
lots of money, but a real dirtball
77
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dumbies
spellers
nitwits
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dual mortgages and broke
stupid people expecting luxurious
lifestyles, except reality sucks
new income that would have
increased total savings
78
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greepies
greedy rich executives with excess perks
79
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love
... and its alternatives
81
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dins
double income, no sex
82
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digs
double income, great sex
83
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sins
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single income, no sex
ninies
no income, no sex
sissies
singles into safe sex
shut ins
stay-at-home, unadventurous
traditionalists immobilized by
non-safe sex
84
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naive encounters with those
outside of normal sexuality
newtons
lousy at managing the
opposite sex
lamos
nearly everyone’s
recently divorced
nerds
85
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feelers
laborers
internets
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fully expecting every love to evolve
into a relationship
lonely, aging boomers oblivious to reality,
expecting relationship success
intense nerds thinking emotions refer to
nonessential things
86
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dosidoes
dating outside the species inspires
drop on evolutionary scale
87
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bagels
gals
gents
Page 88
barely getting enough love to survive
getting a lot less support
genuinely elegant, nice, talented,
and successful
88
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new age gals
sensitive new age guys
men attempting to really try
to increase emotional sensitivity
nags
snags
marties
89
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remotes
relying on electronics
more than emotions
90
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feminists loving insecure men
women encouraged by any vague
example regarding sensitivity
women insisting that no guys
are needed under their skirts
flimies
weavers
wingnuts
91
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babes
wealthers
girls
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beautiful attributes bring on
endless staring
women engaged again to losers that
have economic resources
giving in results in lower status
92
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wammies
women on a mission
to marry income
93
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bummers
beautiful, upwardly mobile, but married
94
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women having intense negative
expectations regarding sex
whiners
women in need of sex
winos
women in need of great sex
wings
95
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may days
man of your dreams? are you sure?
96
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switchies
stupid women intending to change him
97
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doggies
determined, outgoing guys intent on eventual success
98
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average nice guys,
experiencing love before sex
angels
husbands unusually nice,
kind, and sexy
hunks
grown-up men behaving
immaturely, especially about sex
gumbies
99
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carbons
worms
100
Page 100
commitment avoiders really
believing they only need sex
womanizing, obnoxious, repulsive men
scum
socially confused, useless men
boys
boring, obnoxious young studs
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studs
so talk to us, dorks
101
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slugs
social losers using guilt to score
snots
single, nasty, and out for themselves
yobbies
young, obnoxious bores
102
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fully unaware nobody notices inept
efforts to seduce
funnies
boys assuming racy females like inept
efforts to seduce
barflies
103
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bastards
savants
grabbers
Page 104
boys artful at seductive tricks are
really deceitful scum
single adventurers with vasectomies
anticipating nooooo troubles
guys really annoying babes
by expecting recreational sex
104
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testies
teens expressing sexual tension in every situation
105
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naming names
... would a rose by any other name ...
107
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cpa
certified pain in the ass
golf
gentlemen only, ladies forbidden
legend says this is the original definition. i doubt it.
pms
pardon me, sybil
ems
earns money sleeping
108
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peta
people for eating tasty animals
109
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iowa
Page 110
idiot out wandering around
i owe the world an apology
alitalia
always late in takeoffs,
always late in arrivals
110
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doesn’t ever leave the airport
delta
i am chairman of chrysler
corporation of america!
iacocca
at chrysler, it was known as:
i am chairman of chrysler
corporation. amen!
111
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bmw
cadillac
dodge
Page 112
break my windows
can’t always drive in lanes like another car
drips oil and drops grease everywhere
112
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fix it again, tony
fiat
fix or repair daily
found on road dead
ford
for old, retired drivers
generally mediocre cars
gmc
113
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most every red cent eventually
disappears, extinguishing savings
mercedes
men express really cocky egos driving
expensive sedans
114
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old ladies driving slowly, making others
behind infuriatingly late every day
pretentious, obnoxious, rich slobs
can have everything
such an arrogant bastard
oldsmobile
porsche
saab
hey, wait a minute, that’s what i drive!
115
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bill
bubba is living large
116
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highly intelligent
lawyer
leading a revolution
for you
highly inexperienced,
left-leaning,
academically righteous
yuppie
hillary
117
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newts
democrats
Page 118
newly emerging wealthy
traditionalists
deceptively eloquent, most oppose
capitalism, reality, and taxpayers
greedy old people
gop
going over the people
118
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when i need data output
without speed
satan posing as meat
windows
spam
119
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futurists
Page 120
foolishly unaware that ultimately
reality isn’t so trustworthy
120
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about the zach in zachronyms
David Zach is one of the few professionally trained futurists in
the United States, with a master’s degree in Future Studies from the
University of Houston-Clear Lake. Dave makes his living by speaking
before business and education audiences who want to hear someone
talk intelligently about the future in a down-to-earth, entertaining manner.
Zachronyms began appearing in his presentations over 10 years ago
and took on a life of their own.
In case you’re wondering, Dave does not use tea leaves,
astrology, or any of the psychic hotlines.
He’s never met Shirley MacLaine. He’s never even been Shirley MacLaine.
Dave’s just an ordinary guy having a lot of fun asking the age-old question:
Where do we go from here?
Dave’s four brothers, Jim, Rick, John, and Mike, insist that he make it clear
that Zach rhymes with Bach. After years of struggling to get people
to pronounce it correctly, they are not about to let Dave ruin all of that.
You can pronounce Zachronyms any way you like.
121
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why did a futurist write a funny book?
Dave believes that if we can’t know what the future holds, a good sense
of humor is the next best thing. Instead of believing silly predictions and
stuffy statistics, we should look to the future with optimism, curiosity,
and the ability to laugh at ourselves.
As a popular speaker, Dave helps people understand today’s trends and issues
as well as encouraging a reasoned balance between change and tradition.
Audiences value both the laughs and the quiet thoughts they take with them
after Dave’s talk. Here’s just a sample of what they’re saying:
“. . . clearly the hit of the week with our customers!”
— Lorin M. Stearns, Program Manager, IBM
“. . . superb! . . . witty, funny and insightful!”
— Allie Chamberlain, Conference Manager,
American Petroleum Institute
“I got many thanks for putting you on our program.
Thanks for making me look good!”
— James H. Camp, Ed.D.,
North Carolina Community College System
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Qualified meeting planners are invited to contact
their favorite speakers bureau or call 414-278-0414 to learn
how to have Dave speak to their groups.
Who knows, maybe we’ll be quoting you next time.
Visit our website at www.davidzach.com
E-mail Dave at [email protected]
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contributors
Page 124
I’m not sure if anyone knows who created all of these
acronyms, but I know mostly it wasn’t me. Many of them
were found and forwarded to me by these people: Bill &
Debra Bryant, Rick & Marcia Janezic, Timothy Leary
(yes, that Timothy Leary), Ronald F. Malan, Lyle & Julie
Maryniak, Bill McGinnis, David B. Phillips, Traci Phillips,
Patty Pritchard, Rich Wright, Stacy Van Alstyne, Peter
H. Van Dorsten, and Jeane Wegner.
Special thanks to the team who helped me put this book
together: Jason Chase-Dobiash, Susan Heymann, Jean
Kaiser, Julie LaFountain, Terri Lonier, Janet Menz, Barb
Paulini, Chris Roerden, Jim Rowden, Kim Wilson, and Matt
Zumbo. Building a book is an amazing amount of work, and
these people made it all worthwhile.
Finally, a great big thank you to Don Dooley of the
Metropolitan Milwaukee Association of Commerce.
Don writes the MMAC Hotline newsletter and through
the years has published some of the acronyms.
One day, without warning, he called them Zachronyms.
And the rest, as they say, is the future.
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Now that you’ve seen the digital
version of Zachronyms, you want a
paperback copy for the bathroom
so the rest of your family can enjoy it, right?
To get more copies of Zachronyms:
please visit www.amazon.com
and search on “zachronyms” or David Zach.
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