the journal of biblical counseling

Transcription

THE JOURNAL
OF BIBLICAL
COUNSELING
FEATURED ARTICLES
Godly Intoxication: The Church Can Minister to Addicts
Timothy S. Lane
What’s Right about Sex?
Winston T. Smith
How Does Scripture Change You?
David Powlison
COUNSELOR’S TOOLBOX
Evaluating a Person with Suicidal Desires
Aaron Sironi and Michael R. Emlet
What to Say to a Teenager in Crisis
Paul David Tripp
LIVES IN PROCESS
BOOK REVIEWS
VOLUME 26
|
NUMBER 2
The mission of the Journal of Biblical Counseling (JBC) is to develop clear thinking and effective
practice in biblical counseling. We seek to do this through publishing articles that faithfully bring the
God of truth, mercy and power to the issues that face pastoral ministries of counseling and discipleship.
Publisher
The Journal of Biblical Counseling
(ISSN: 1063-2166) is published by:
Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation
1803 East Willow Grove Avenue
Glenside, PA 19038
Website: www.ccef.org
The Journal of Biblical Counseling was published as a print journal
from 1993-2007 (Issues: 11:2–25:3). From 1977-1992, it was
published as The Journal of Pastoral Practice (Issues: 1:1–11:1).
Editorial Staff
Senior Editor: David Powlison
Managing Editor: Kimberly Monroe
Assistant Editor: Lauren Whitman
Design Editor: Chris Carter
Proofreader: Bruce E. Eaton
Article Submissions
If you wish to have an article considered for publication in the JBC,
please fill out and submit a JBC Article Submission Form (www.
ccef.org/make-a-request). Please allow sufficient time for your
proposal to be reviewed.
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go to: www.ccef.org/make-a-request
JBC Products
To purchase JBC products and other resources go to:
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Copyright © 2012 Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation
Cover Illustration by Jeff McRobbie
The Journal of Biblical Counseling is a publication of the Christian Counseling and
Educational Foundation (CCEF). All rights reserved. All content is protected by
copyright and may not be reproduced without written permission from CCEF.
THE JOURNAL
OF BIBLICAL
COUNSELING
I N
T H I S
I S S U E
2
From the Editor’s Desk: In It for Good
David Powlison
FEATURED ARTICLES
4
Godly Intoxication: The Church Can Minister to Addicts
Timothy S. Lane
17
Winston T. Smith
26
David Powlison
COUNSELOR’S TOOLBOX
33
Evaluating a Person with Suicidal Desires
Aaron Sironi and Michael R. Emlet
42
What to Say to a Teenager in Crisis
Paul David Tripp
LIVES IN PROCESS
47
My Virtual Refuge
Anonymous
50
Active Love: A New Way of Living
Anonymous
BOOK REVIEWS
56
The Doubting Disease: Help for Scrupulosity and Religious Compulsions
by Joseph W. Ciarrocchi
Michael R. Emlet
61
Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb
Cecelia Bernhardt
65
Integrating Faith and Psychology: Twelve Psychologists Tell Their Stories edited by Glendon L. Moriarty
Edward T. Welch
68
Coming to Peace with Psychology: What Christians Can Learn from Psychological Science by Everett L. Worthington
Edward T. Welch
Volume 26 | Number 2
1
F ro m th e Ed it o r ’s D esk
In It for Good
by David Powlison
Counseling ministry aims to speak of God’s love,
aims to embody love for God and neighbor, and
aims to catalyze love in others. We all know that
“Love is patient; love is kind.” Those first two
words characterizing love in 1 Corinthians 13:4
can be expressed in a single phrase: Love is in it
for good.
Love is in it for good: patient. God is patience.
He is committed for as long as it takes, whatever
is going on, however arduous the process.
Patience is not passive. Our Father, Savior and
indwelling Spirit work with purposeful patience.
He bears with his children intentionally, through
all time, in order to accomplish something. In
his great patience, he will complete what he has
begun, to his glory and to our joy.
Love is in it for good: kind. God is kindness.
He freely gives every good gift, doing and saying
what is helpful. Kindness is not sentimental.
Our God works a fiercely realistic kindness. He
is always holy and constructive, always merciful
and firm, always generous and probing. He
knows what we are; he gives more grace. He
gives what we need. In his great kindness, he
will complete what he has begun, to our glory
and to his joy.
God is love; therefore he is in it for good.
And of course, since every promise of God is
“Yes” in the Son of God, this Jesus is in it for good.
___________________________________________
David Powlison (M.Div., Ph.D.) teaches at CCEF and
edits the “Journal of Biblical Counseling.”
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Goodness and steadfast love walked among us,
took on flesh, tempted as we are yet without sin,
touched with the feeling of our infirmities. He
deals gently with the ignorant and wayward.
(And he reckons with intransigence.)
Such love is a communicable attribute
of God—therefore he commands us to learn
patience and kindness. In taking us on—we
who are too often impatient, too often unkind—
and in making us into the image of Jesus Christ,
the Holy Spirit will make us patient and kind.
He will teach us to become “in it for good” with
other people, amid the ups, the downs, the
vicissitudes, the exigencies. This is the life-long
goal of Christian ministry: “love that issues from
a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere
faith”(1 Tim 1:5).
The fuller Old Testament equivalent to
1 Corinthians 13:4 had been revealed on Sinai:
“The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and
gracious, slow to anger [in the Greek, “patient”],
abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness,
keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving
iniquity and transgression and sin”(Ex 34:6–7). He
is in it for good with all who take this revelation to
heart as God’s great gift of himself, as our greatest
need, as the goal of our moral transformation.
(And this God will justly destroy intransigent
iniquity, all that spurns such a gift, denies such a
need, refuses such a goal—Exodus 34:7.)
It is striking that when revealing his
glory and goodness, the LORD chose to show
forth communicable attributes. He could have
mentioned his omniscience, omnipotence,
omnipresence,
self-existence,
eternity—
things infinitely beyond the creature. But he
chose to reveal his mercy, what is within our
comprehension, within our experience, within
our grasp—by grace. We, too, learn to become
merciful and gracious, slow to anger, abounding
in steadfast love and faithfulness, forgiving. (And
we, too, learn to justly hate what is evil.)
What we will be has not yet appeared; but
we know that when he appears we shall be like
him, because we shall see him as he is. He is in it
for good, and so are we.
As a pastor and friend often says, “That’ll
preach.”And, it’s worth adding,“That’ll counsel.”
Both would-be helpers and those in need of help
need this most marvelous goodness, becoming
in it for good.
*
*
*
Churches can and should minister to people
caught in addictions. Tim Lane’s “Godly
Intoxication” sets forth a vision. He cogently
summarizes the dynamics of addiction, the
dynamics of change, and the dynamics of the
love of God. These radical core understandings
feed directly into how vibrantly functioning
communities can offer exactly the sort of help
an addict most needs.
What is right about sex? The question is
obviously important—but the answers are not
obvious. Our culture has difficulty imagining
what could be wrong with sex (as long as it is
mutually consenting), and our churches often
don’t make clear what is right about sex (given
all that goes so wrong). Winston Smith probes
the question in “What’s Right about Sex?”
Understanding what is right and good shines
a particularly bright light on what goes wrong,
and holds forth a goal worthy of our aspirations.
Biblical counseling is premised on
confidence that the living God works in people
through what he has spoken. The Holy Spirit
is not simply a wild card factor, and Scripture
is not merely a good, old book. In “How Does
Scripture Change You?” I offer two case studies
showing how particular Scriptures rescripted
particular lives. When a man or woman
becomes wise, what actually takes place
involves something richer than “propositions
plus principles” or “indicatives plus imperatives.”
The Counselor’s Toolbox offers practical
strategies. In this issue, we tackle two crucial
issues: how to assess a person’s suicide risk
and how to help parents talk with a teenager.
Mike Emlet and Aaron Sironi give counselors
helpful information and probing questions
that will help you to evaluate the degree of risk
when a counselee is talking about suicide. Paul
Tripp gives parents basic guidance on how to
turn angry, mutually suspicious arguments into
constructive conversations. Hand this out to
parents who are struggling with their teen.
We also offer two Lives in Process stories.
“My Virtual Refuge” takes on the temptation to
seek false refuge from life’s pressure and stress.
The particular form of false refuge is a modern
invention: the internet. But both the struggles
and the lessons learned (and still learning) are
as old as human nature. “Active Love: A New
Way of Living” takes on another of the oldest
human struggles. What does it mean to love,
not self-indulge? Alcohol is the indulgence,
constructive friendship the goal.
The Journal of Biblical Counseling takes an
approach to book reviews that gives you more
than a thumbs-up or thumbs-down. We aim
to offer a biblically informed discussion of the
issues raised by the book under review, as well
as a careful, critical assessment of the book.
In this issue, we review books dealing with
obsessive religious scrupulosity, with victims of
sexual assault, and with Christian psychologists
telling their personal stories.
I hope that you will find what you read
encouraging, challenging and wise. And I trust
that you will find many places where you say,
“That’ll preach. That’ll counsel.”
3
Godly Intoxication:
The Church Can Minister
to Addicts
by Timothy S. Lane
“The most important contribution which the
Church can make to a new social order is to be itself
a new social order.“1— Lesslie Newbigin
John was a good friend. He and his wife, Suzanne,
attended the church I pastored before my tenure
at CCEF. John and Suzanne had been alcoholics.
They met at an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
meeting. John and Suzanne would tell you that
their lives were saved by AA. They also said that
this would never have happened in church. In
fact, it was AA that led them back to church.
Their experience should give us pause. The
church can learn lessons from it. Is the church a
place that can minister to people like John and
Suzanne? Can we offer acceptance and support
to people who struggle with life-dominating
addictions? Do the Scriptures and the grace of
the gospel even speak to addictions? Do we
have something better to offer than the host of
secular recovery groups out there? The answer
to each of these questions is YES—but we have
much to learn.
For addicts the church is usually the last
place they look for help. The perception is that
church is for people who have attained an
acceptable level of morality. It is for those who
“have it all together,” and those who do not fit
___________________________________________
Timothy Lane (M.Div., D.Min.) serves as president of
CCEF and on the faculty. Among his publications is “How
People Change,” co-authored with Paul David Tripp.
4
this mold are not welcome. As a pastor, I had
many friends who struggled with addictions.
Did they find help from the church? Not
necessarily. Their stories are similar to John
and Suzanne’s: they found help in other places.
They found it in secular support groups where
they could be completely honest and safe, and
where friendships and accountability abounded.
Often these groups would even meet in church
buildings, but they were not led by people from
the church itself. In fact, it was as if the church
modeled a “hands off” posture toward them.
Thankfully, this is not true of all churches, and
my hope is to interest more churches to change
the way they think about people and their
struggles.
If Scripture is where we take our cues for life
together as brothers and sisters in Christ, addicts
should feel right at home amongst God’s people.
The church is not filled with people who have
it all together. Rather, as we know too well, “all
have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”
(Rom 3:23). This passage teaches us that we
are all sinners. There are things we do, and do
repeatedly, that are wrong. And yet… we keep
doing them. Scripture tells us that we are—by
nature, nurture, choice and habit—intoxicated
by sin and addicted to ungodliness. And thus,
every sinner saved by grace is on a journey of
change and transformation. Every person, in
every church, is in a form of rehab—spiritual
rehab.
All of us have more in common with
addicts than we might have thought. We are
not fundamentally different from each other.
Any differences are a matter of degree, not of
kind. The decisive difference between people is
not whether one is an addict or a non-addict.
It is whether a person is once-born (in sin, and
suppressing the knowledge of God), or twiceborn (in Christ, but still battling remnant sin).
When people struggling with addiction are also
new creatures, then they have a new Lord, a new
nature, a new identity, a new power at work—
and a new community. The battles may be long
and hard, the setbacks many, and the successes
biological matter. Many factors come together
that may influence people toward addiction,
including genetic predisposition, family
dynamics, pressures from suffering, poverty and
victimization.
Truly, addicts have a complex and
sometimes terrible story to tell. But something
more fundamental operates at the root of lifedominating struggles. Scripture tells us that
the inner person (the heart) and what it craves,
treasures, wants, fears and lives for is the
ultimate driver of addictive behavior. Someone
may find that a chemical can be a means of
getting what one longs for (comfort, confidence,
A church community that understands that we are all
fellow strugglers on the same path should be a very
welcoming place for addicts.
erratic. Although a person may struggle with the
same old things, something essential is different,
and that makes all the difference in the long run.
This truth should shape the very way we “do
church.” A church community that understands
that we are all fellow strugglers on the same path
should be a very welcoming place for addicts.
The language of recovery, of re-ordering what
we live for and even what we “worship,” should
be familiar to all followers of Christ. Every church
should be striving for all members to turn away
from whatever intoxicates them and instead be
filled with the Spirit—intoxicated with God.
To do this, we must understand more fully
how Scripture sees addictions. This will, by
necessity, reshape the way we think about the
role of the church and addictions.
How to Think about Addictions Biblically2
The word addiction is not in the Bible, but the
concept is everywhere. The human tendency
to be completely committed to the pursuit of
destructive, self-defeating behaviors is a strong
theme in Scripture. It springs from the fall of
mankind and our descent into depravity. In our
time, however, addiction has come to mean
something more narrow. It is the standard way
of talking about life-dominating struggles,
especially with things that are connected
with bodily appetites, such as alcohol, drugs,
food and sex. But, of course, it is not simply a
pleasure, success) or a means of numbing
pain (disappointment, loss, rejection, failure).
Ultimately, addictions are rooted in things much
deeper than physiology and social surroundings.
While we want to avoid a simplistic
understanding of how the inner and outer person
(heart/soul and body) interface, ultimately
addictions are rooted in the heart—in the inner
person. In Luke 6, Jesus gives us a picture of this
by using the metaphor of a fruit tree.
For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again
does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree
is known by its own fruit. For figs are not
gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes
picked from a bramble bush. The good
person out of the good treasure of his heart
produces good, and the evil person out of
his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the
abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
(Luke 6:43–45)3
Jesus is saying that whatever we live for, whatever
we store up in our heart, will determine our
behavior—our fruit. Our heart expresses itself
in how we live. If we are committed to living
for comfort, then our behavior—our fruit—
will reveal that. If we are committed to living
for personal glory, then our behavior—our
fruit—will reveal that too. This does not rule
out the significant influence of the body or life
circumstances on addiction, but it does place such
influences in the context of something deeper.
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In the same way, James 1:13–15 echoes
Jesus’ view of the heart as he writes to his church
members, who are undergoing significant
persecution and suffering. James first comforts
them in the midst of their hardships. He then
calls them to personal responsibility in the face
of their suffering. He reminds them that if they
sin, even in this difficult time, it is not due to
God playing tricks on them, or because of their
circumstances. They sin because their hearts
have been captured by something other than
God.
We intensely pursue what we love. It
intoxicates us (whether a chemical is involved
transforms us at the core of who we are. There
is a God who intervenes. He comes in grace. He
loves us when we are still sinners and committed
to rebellion. Christ comes to rescue us and bring
comfort in the midst of our suffering, even when
it is self-inflicted. He comes to live, suffer, die, be
raised, ascend, and send his Spirit. He presently
intercedes and has promised to come again and
completely conform us into his image. Because
of Christ, we will be free from the guilt, folly,
power and presence of sin forever.
There is no other message that can compare
to this! No other “treatment plan” can offer
this kind of good news. The gospel far exceeds
... since the entire church is a community of “recovering
addicts,” and because we have a compelling message for
addicts, it should follow that the church should be the
best place for addicts to find hope and practical help.
or not). And when it fades, we pursue it again.
With this understanding, it is possible to view
any life-dominating struggle as an “addiction.”
In fact, our culture has already done so. People
addicted to their jobs are called work-aholics;
people addicted to shopping are shop-aholics.
A Level Playing Field: We Are More Alike
than Different
Since we pursue what we love, and we tend
to love something in creation more than God,
we are all, in a sense, addicts. Paul describes
this dynamic in Romans 1:25. We substitute
something in creation for the Creator. Even for
the believer this dynamic is still in play, though
because of the work of the Spirit, not to the
same degree. A new life has begun. Still, we are
regularly tempted to take something in creation
(often good things like relationships, work,
food, drink, marriage, etc.) and make it what
we live for. An addiction is, fundamentally, a
worship disorder. It is an act of the heart. Bodily
components only make an addiction more
complex.
Understanding life-dominating struggles
with sin as a worship disorder opens the door
for the incredible good news of the gospel. The
redemptive solution to our disoriented worship
is God’s redeeming grace; it recaptures and
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anything that you will hear in the culture. We
must constantly be brought back to the utterly
unique message only found in the Scriptures.
This description of God is much more precise and
compelling than simply talking about a “higher
power”—the standard way God is referred to in
programs like Alcoholics Anonymous.
This is not to say that the gospel is a quick fix
for life’s problems. While there are times when
God immediately rescues individuals from these
life-dominating problems, usually his work in us
is slow and takes time. Believing in Jesus will not
immediately rid you of struggle with sin. Instead,
the message to addicts (and to every struggler)
is that we have a Redeemer who walks with us
daily. He often uses our relapses and struggles to
remind us of our ongoing need of him. Believers
are as dependent upon the grace of Christ today
as we were the first moment we placed our
faith and trust and hope in him. You never wean
yourself off the grace of Christ. You are forever
in need of his power, his love, and his presence.
And so is every other addict.
Therefore, since the entire church is a
community of “recovering addicts,” and because
we have a compelling message for addicts, it
should follow that the church should be the
best place for addicts to find hope and practical
help. The church has such a wonderful message
of hope for change. This presents an excellent
opportunity for it to become a community
where addicts know they can find acceptance
and support. Many churches already understand
this, and many more still need to know why and
how to do this. That is what we turn to next.
Ephesians Offers Help: A New Social
Order Called the Church
Scripture offers us guidance as to how the church
can be a place for people to find help. One place
to begin is the book of Ephesians. The primacy
of Christian community for growth in grace is
described well here. In the first three chapters,
Paul makes us aware of the wonderful grace that
has come to us through the work of the Father,
Son, and the Spirit on our behalf. Paul first
describes our union with Christ (1:1–2:10). Then
he paints a picture of life in the body of Christ
(2:11–3:13). He prays that these two realities
would become the very experience of the church
(3:14–21). Paul turns a corner in Chapter 4 and
begins to talk about where the newfound faith,
power, freedom, and liberty in the gospel are
worked out. He places our growth in grace in the
context of our relationships in the local church.
Paul describes how we work out the
implications of the Christian life within the
church. As individuals who have been redeemed
for the purpose of glorifying God in our physical
bodies, we are to find spiritual nurture within
the church and through our relationships with
one another. Paul highlights how a Christian
grows in community (4:1–16). He uses a
series of metaphors to help his readers further
understand the nature of the Christian life:
• New things replace old things (4:17–24).
• Truth and love replace falsehood and
bitterness (4:25–32).
• Obedience replaces disobedience (5:1–7).
• Light replaces darkness (5:8–14).
• Wisdom replaces folly (5:15–17), and
• Spirit-intoxication replaces drunkenness
(5:18–21).
John Stott sums up these descriptions by
highlighting three things that these have in
common:
First, they all concern our relationships.
Holiness is not a mystical condition
experienced in relation to God but in
isolation from human beings.You cannot be
good in a vacuum—only in the real world
of people.
Second, in each example a negative
prohibition is balanced by a corresponding
positive command. It is not enough to put
off the old rags; we have to put on the new
garments.
Third, in each case a reason for the
command is either given or implied, indeed
a theological reason. For in the teaching of
Jesus and his apostles, doctrine and ethics,
belief and behavior are always dovetailed
into one another.4
All of Christian growth in grace is a
community project, leading to concrete change
that is fueled by an utter dependence upon the
grace of Christ at work in our hearts by the Holy
Spirit.
The rest of this article will focus on the
last descriptor: Spirit-filled sobriety replaces
drunkenness; the Spirit both intoxicates us and
sobers us (5:18–21). Paul begins Ephesians 5:18
with two commands. One is negative: “Do not
get drunk on wine which leads to debauchery.”
The other is positive: “Instead be filled with the
Spirit.”
As I mentioned earlier, our hearts can be
enticed by anything in creation. Ephesians
5:18 introduces a similar dynamic. We find
something in creation that gradually replaces
the Creator in our lives. We become “drunk.”
The verse identifies wine as the culprit, but any
strong desire can be inserted here. As we come
under the influence, it intoxicates us. Whatever
intoxicates us besides the Spirit will lead to a life
of debauchery. The word debauchery in modern
usage implies sensual indulgence, but here it has
a more general meaning of recklessness, a life of
folly, a life of stupidity, a life of darkness.
What is the cure? What are we to do? The
second half of the verse tells us the alternative:
be filled with the Spirit. Paul uses a passive verb.
Literally, it reads, Let the Spirit fill you. He does
not suggest a technique or gimmick. Instead,
the Spirit fills us as we humble ourselves and
cry out for mercy and help. This is not a oncefor-all experience, but an ongoing one. It is a
past experience that continues into the present
and future. If we continually live under the
influence of the Spirit we will begin to wake up
and become alert to the Spirit’s work. When we
are awake to the Spirit, we no longer live like
we are in a drunken stupor. Nothing in creation
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lays claim to our worship. We are living with eyes
wide open, ready to be part of the community.
This is the dynamic of change. But where does
it happen?
A Community that Transforms People
(Ephesians 5:19-21)
For Paul, our relationships in the church are
the normal context for change. A church of
Christians who cry out for mercy, repent from
addictions of any sort, and are being filled with
the Spirit, will be a welcoming place for addicts.
This kind of church recognizes that God does
not show favoritism to those who seem to be
ahead of the others. People I have talked to
who found help in support groups outside the
church said the fundamental characteristic that
appealed to them was humility. As we follow a
God who shows no favoritism, how much more
should the local church be a place of humility,
safety and appropriate honesty?
What are the specific ingredients to creating
a culture of grace and growth? Paul gives specific
instruction. These ingredients move us to a
practical understanding of how the church can
more effectively minister to sinners and sufferers
of all kinds, including those who struggle with
various addictions.
Speak to one another with psalms, hymns,
and spiritual songs, sing and make music to
the Lord, always giving thanks to God the
Father for everything in the name of the
Lord Jesus Christ. Submit to one another
out of reverence to Christ. (Eph 5:19–21)
A church that effectively ministers to all kinds of
people is a church that:
• speaks to one another,
• sings and makes music to the Lord,
• gives thanks to God, and
• submits to one another.
This is a “support group” like nothing the world
has to offer!
Let’s look at each of these in more detail.
As we do, a picture emerges of what the church
looks like as it ministers to addicts of all kinds.
We see, in these characteristics, the tone that
should mark the body of Christ. Creating this
tone is not so much an emphasis on programs,
although there is a place for structure and
organization to facilitate ministry to people.
Without these characteristics, programs will be
hollow and unfruitful because they will lack the
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very life of God as he draws near to redeem and
change us.
First, the Spirit-filled church speaks to
one another.
A fundamental characteristic of a typical
addictions group meeting is the honesty of
speech that occurs. This openness and honesty
to talk about struggles with alcohol or other
substances, along with the utter safety in which
to do this, is the first critical step to sobriety. For
the first time, strugglers feel that they are in a
group that understands and accepts them. They
finally find a place to name their struggles and
not feel ashamed—and they find hope.
According to Paul, the church should be
better at this than any other meeting of addicts!
If you are looking for a book and a community
of honesty and safety, then you should not
need to look any further than the Scriptures
and the local church. The first phrase tells us
to “speak to one another in psalms and hymns
and spiritual songs. ”The church has a speaking
ministry. Upon first reading these verses, they
might seem to make life in the body of Christ
and our speaking to one another sound anemic.
Who speaks to one another in psalms, hymns
and spiritual songs? But stop for a minute
and consider the book of Psalms. Ponder the
classic hymns and spiritual songs of the church
throughout the ages. Consider Psalm 51 and
the way that David honestly faces and confesses
his sin. Ponder the words of the great hymn, “It
Is Well with My Soul,” and learn how a father
grieved the loss of his daughters in a shipwreck.
Take to heart both the psalm and the hymn for
how richly they describe the mercies of God.You
do not have to travel far to find that this honesty
and hope is precisely what the Scriptures and
God’s people have specialized in over the ages:
speaking to one another honestly about our
sufferings and hope.
This verse reveals the horizontal, corporate
connection to living the Christian life in
community.The Bible consistently pushes against
our tendency to think about living the Christian
life in private. True spirituality is a life lived out
in a physical body, within the context of one’s
relationships with other people. The local church
must be in the habit of speaking to one another
if we are to be continually under the influence of
the Holy Spirit. Community life looks like God’s
people regularly having conversations about joys
and heartaches, about need and thankfulness,
about our God and Savior—all the things that
the psalms and the rest of Scripture are about.
We offer one another encouragement to grow
in grace by naming our sins and sufferings, by
speaking of them appropriately, honestly, within
a context of safety, without shame, and with
every reason for hope.
Paul echoes this same sentiment in
Colossians 3:16 where he says, “Let the word
of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and
admonish one another with all wisdom.” The
writer of Hebrews says we are to“encourage one
another daily,”and “spur one another on toward
beyond the superficial, both when things are
going well and when they are not.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote his book Life
Together while living in community with other
pastors. As he experienced both the blessings
and the difficulties of living in relationship, he
says that the times of disappointment with our
fellow believers are salutary moments. It is at
the point of discouragement that the gospel
especially expresses itself in ways that far exceed
how it expresses itself when things are going
well. Bonhoeffer leads us to consider how we
are doing in our relationships when we are upset
with one another. Do we see these as redemptive
Community life looks like God’s people regularly having
conversations about joys and heartaches, about need and
thankfulness, about our God and Savior—all the things
that the psalms and the rest of Scripture are about.
love and good deeds” (Heb 3:13; 10:25). These
verses do not suggest a mechanical approach
to our conversations. Rather, they call for the
kind of conversations that lead us to engage in
spiritual evaluation of ourselves and of others,
bringing the hope and help of Christ to bear.
Do these types of conversations happen
in your church? Is your church a safe place for
people to honestly talk about their struggles?
Are there appropriate contexts where such
conversations can flourish? Do the leaders
humbly confess their sins, their struggles, and
their faith? Do you hear articulate, well thought
out testimonies of God’s grace at work in the
lives of his people? What characterizes the
conversations occurring in the small groups and
friendships in your church? Are certain sins offlimits? Are people encouraging one another to
grow in grace? Are they spurring others to live
for God and neighbor?
We must be willing to do all of these even
in the midst of disappointment and relapse. We
can be adept at speaking wonderful words of
encouragement into one another’s lives—until
the other person sins and, particularly, until the
other person sins against me. When there is sin,
the fruitful speaking suddenly stops and it turns
to accusation, gossip, slander and judgment.
The Scriptures argue for conversations that go
opportunities? Do we see troubles as salutary
moments when the gospel can shine by the way
that we treat one another? Bonhoeffer begins
with these sobering and stern words,
Only that fellowship which faces…
disillusionment, with all its unhappy and
ugly aspects, begins to be what it should be
in God’s sight, begins to grasp in faith the
promise that is given to it.... A community
which cannot bear and cannot survive
such a crisis, which insists upon keeping
its illusion when it should be shattered,
permanently loses in that moment the
promise of Christian community.5
He continues with these words of
encouragement,
Thus the very hour of disillusionment with
my brother becomes incomparably salutary,
because it so thoroughly teaches me that
neither of us can ever live by our own words
and deeds, but only by that one Word and
Deed which really binds us together—the
forgiveness of sins in Jesus Christ. When the
morning mist of dreams vanish, then dawns
the bright day of Christian fellowship.6
God is with us and present with us when we
relapse and fail. In fact, this is when the grace
of Christ can be prominently displayed. It is an
opportunity!
9
Our challenge then is clear: how can we,
as the body of Christ, be with one another in
the relapse? How can we become more adept
at cultivating a culture of honest speaking and
safe listening? If you have friends who are in
addictions recovery groups, then you know that
whenever they travel they call their sponsor and
find out the location of the local chapter. They do
this because it is a life or death issue for addicts
to stay in community. How much more do God’s
people need to see the life and death nature of
speaking into one another’s lives? God grant us
grace that we might flourish as a community
that speaks with greater candor, compassion,
God who is both transcendent and immanent.
The Christian God is the true and only living
God, not an invented power. He comes close,
redeems, and loves us in the person of his son,
Jesus. If there was ever an organization that has
a raison d’être, it is the body of Christ! You will
not find a God like this in any other organization
on earth! The ministry of worship, singing
and making music in your heart to the Lord,
expresses the true vertical orientation.7 Listen to
Paul’s prayer in Ephesians 3:14–19:
…I kneel before the Father, from whom
every family in heaven and on earth derives
its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches
We worship our way into sin and we must
worship our way out of sin.
and hope than any addictions group meeting.
God, let us speak more like our brothers and
sisters in the Scriptures and in the classic hymns
of the church.
Second, the Spirit-filled church sings and
makes music to the Lord.
Every recovery program and organization
has a liturgy, an order of service or “worship”
when gathering corporately. This liturgy
also provides a foundation for the individual
participant’s identity, something greater than the
individual to rally around. Every organization
needs a raison d’être, a reason for being. If the
organization only exists for its own members, it
will slowly die. It needs something transcendent,
a bigger purpose, a vertical orientation. For most
groups helping addicts, the liturgy is driven by
referring to a “higher power” that can help in
the struggle. The individual can choose who
the term higher power refers to. I had a friend
who made his deceased (and very moral)
grandmother his higher power.
In addition to some attempt at a vertical
dimension, the liturgy also forms one’s
identity. In most recovery groups, you selfidentify as an addict: “Hello, my name is Tim
and I’m an alcoholic.” Such a confession of
faith communicates who I fundamentally am,
reaffirming the need for help.
The church’s liturgy is fundamentally and
radically different from most recovery groups. A
Christian liturgy connects people to a personal
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he may strengthen you with power through
his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ
may dwell in your hearts through faith. And
I pray that you, being rooted and established
in love, may have power, together with all
the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide
and long and high and deep is the love of
Christ, and to know this love that surpasses
knowledge—that you may be filled to the
measure of all the fullness of God.
This amazing expression of worship also changes
your affirmation of identity and need for help.
Fundamentally, your identity is not
determined by a particular addiction, experience
of suffering, family history, biological predisposition or any other life circumstance.
According to this passage and all of Scripture, if
I am in a relationship with God by grace alone,
then I am his child, holy and dearly loved. When
I stand up and confess my faith, I say,“Hello, my
name is Tim and I am a child of the living God.
By God’s grace, I now fight and struggle against
particular temptations.” This is not a semantic
mind game. It is the truth about you and to
whom you belong. Listen to another of Paul’s
prayers. Here he prays passionately that the
Ephesians might live out of their new identity in
Christ:
I keep asking that the God of our Lord
Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give
you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so
that you may know him better. I pray that
the eyes of your heart may be enlightened
in order that you may know the hope to
which he has called you, the riches of his
glorious inheritance in his holy people, and
his incomparably great power for us who
believe. (Eph 1:17–19)
The new identity is in Christ. People once
defined by the sins of addiction (Eph 2:1–3) are
redefined.
Worship reorients us to God and provides
us with a new and true identity. It is a vital
component of growing in grace. The corporate
worship on Sunday encourages worship as
a lifestyle. As I worship God, I am forever
reminded that I am his child. Do the recovery
groups do a better job with their limited liturgy
proclaiming an imaginary god and a sin-defined
struggler? How can we grow in this vital area?
We are fortunate to have an utterly unique God
to worship and a fundamentally solid identity
in Christ. Is the local church helping people
understand worship as a lifestyle that shapes
one’s identity? As we go about our daily lives are
we aware of the temptation to make something
other than God more functionally important to
us? The answers to these questions have serious
implications for fighting sin and growing in
grace.
Think about this: we do not behave ourselves
into sin; we worship ourselves into sin. If I am
angry, then I have already been worshiping
something that is not God for many moments,
minutes, hours, days, or weeks. Perhaps I’ve been
worshiping my comfort and my “right” to feel
good. When you get in the way of my comfort,
you are not witnessing an impulsive response of
anger. Instead, you are impeding a heart that has,
over time, given itself over to something other
than God. This is the very nature and dynamic of
remaining sin in every believer.
This is the same process by which someone
becomes addicted to drugs, gambling, or
pornography. It is not merely our behavior
that has to be corrected, but a heart that needs
deliverance from its sinfulness. We worship
our way into sin and we must worship our way
out of sin. To do that, we have to be a part of a
worshiping community that gathers weekly and
models what it looks like to repent and believe
on a daily, moment-by-moment basis. The local
church must demonstrate worship as a lifestyle
on a day-to-day basis, because we are easily
captivated by false objects of worship and easily
deceived.
All creation-worship replaces the Creator
and moves in the direction of “drunkenness”
and “debauchery.” All false worship ultimately
leads to despondency and hopelessness, though
it may feel life-giving at the moment. That is the
subtle nature of false worship. It does not seem
false, and that is why we are so prone to do it.
The Old Testament reveals a people constantly
tempted to worship false gods and local deities
because of the subtle promise of blessing.
Songwriter Neil Young writes: “The same thing
that makes you live can kill you in the end.” 8
This is a powerful and succinct description of
any addiction.
Ephesians calls us to become a part of a
community that worships, sings, and makes
music in our hearts to the Lord. This vertical
Godward reorientation is a lifestyle that comes
only as the gospel of grace begins to transform
us. While many recovery groups point people
to a higher power, you do not find a personal
Redeemer who is so mighty, gracious, patient
and personal as you do in Scripture. A church
that is reaching addicts will celebrate him even
more than they will celebrate recovery itself! In
fact, the recovery is the result of deeply rooted
worship of the true and living God. It is a byproduct and a blessing of worshiping the One
who gives these blessings. God, grant us grace
that we might flourish as a community that
worships you every day of the week and above
everything else.
Third, the Spirit-filled church gives
thanks to God.
At some level, all recovery programs seek
to cultivate an attitude of thanksgiving. Often,
this may be gratitude to a person’s “higher
power,” sponsor, group, or even to sobriety
itself. No one can make progress without the
fundamental element of gratitude, which is an
evidence of humility. Humility says, “I can’t do
this on my own. I need help and I am grateful
for the help I have received.” Pride kills humility
and obliterates the acknowledgement of deep
dependence and neediness.
According to Paul, thankfulness is an
essential ingredient to the change process. He
also contends that if anyone has reasons to be
grateful it is a child of the living God! We, of all
people, are to be filled with gratitude, always
11
giving thanks to God the Father for everything
in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ (5:20).
Consider these truths:
When we were still powerless, Christ died
for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die
for a righteous man, though for a good man
someone might possibly dare to die. But
God demonstrates his own love for us in
this: While we were still sinners, Christ died
for us. (Rom 5:6–8)
Take this to heart, and you will fall to your knees
in utter gratitude.
Why are gratitude and thanksgiving so
important in the battle against sin and addictive,
life-destroying behavior? Paul says always give
thanks for everything. We are to give thanks to
the Lord in any and every circumstance, whether
good or bad. Both good and bad circumstances
can make it difficult to obey and easy to sin.
When times are hard, it may be difficult to obey.
When times are good, it may make it easier to
sin because our guard is down. James captures
this well:
Believers in humble circumstances ought
to take pride in their high position. But the
rich should take pride in their humiliation—
since they will pass away like a wild flower.
For the sun rises with scorching heat and
withers the plant; its blossom falls and its
beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the
rich will fade away even while they go about
their business. (James 1:9–11)
Riches and poverty are both trials. It is hard to
obey when things are going badly. These are
times you may get angry at God for what you are
experiencing. But it may also be easy to give into
sin when things are going well. The temptation
then is to think that you do not need God or
even need to think about God. Yet God calls us
to grow in grace in all circumstances. He calls us
to give thanks in everything.
Giving thanks enables us to grow in
contentment (Phil 4:11–13). The life of the
believer is marked by joy and sorrows, successes
and failures, growth and set-backs. These
experiences are challenging for anyone. The
struggle to stay centered can be heightened
for those coming out of a lifestyle of addiction.
Godly contentment allows us to calibrate the
highs and lows and not be deceived in either
situation. It prevents us from thinking that the
hardship is the end of life or that the blessing
12
defines life. Instead, we give thanks. We give
thanks to God that he is conforming us into the
image of Jesus and will complete the good work
he started (Phil 1:6).
Often times, it can be easy to settle for less
than what God is accomplishing in our lives.
When times are tough, we often just want the
difficulty to go away. We can be easily tempted
to think that God is not present, does not love
us, or that he has turned away from us. When
times are good, we can easily go on spiritual
auto-pilot and not ask how God wants to use a
season of blessing to make us more like Christ.
We settle for things that are fleeting. All the
while, God is saying, “I want to conform you
into the image of my Son.” No matter what the
circumstances, we want to grow in our ability
to give thanks for everything, so that we aren’t
deceived and succumb to the temptation to
find escape or comfort in something in creation.
Only God’s grace can produce this kind of
contentment. The grace of God reminds us that
the seasons of blessing are nothing compared to
the Blesser. The grace of God reminds us that the
seasons of difficulty will in no way compare to
the glory that awaits us and is presently at work
in us.
A church that gives thanks in everything
will be a safe home for everyone who struggles.
Successes will be celebrated, but they won’t
be worshiped. Christ will remain at the center.
Failures will be handled by the wonderful
reassurance that the grace of Christ is for sinners.
That same grace will produce in strugglers both
an ongoing eagerness to do good and certainty
that fighting against sin is not in vain.
Ephesians gives the believing community
something—or better, Someone—to be thankful
for. We are grateful. The basis of our gratitude
includes, but also goes beyond, the community,
an accountability partner, or sobriety itself. It
takes us to the fount of all blessing, the Triune
God who saves sinners and redeems us in the
midst of our suffering. God, grant us grace that
we might flourish as a community filled with
gratitude because of your mercy. Enable us to
extend that grace to addicts of all kinds.
Fourth, the Spirit-filled church submits to
one another.
A fourth element vitally important in any
recovery group is the humility of submitting
to others. One of the supporting columns of
addiction is self-deception and a lifestyle of
deceiving others. No active addicts want to listen
to anyone who has the courage to call them out on
their addictive, self-destructive and relationallydestructive behavior. But this is precisely what an
addict needs! Without submission to others who
are further along in their “recovery,” an addict’s
chances of maintaining any degree of sobriety
are impossible.
Here, too, the church can offer something
better. Paul’s final instruction is to submit to
one another out of reverence to Christ. Here, Paul
brings us back to Ephesians 4:2 and shows us one
of the greatest marks of vibrant fellowship: the
people of a local church submit to one another in
humility. This submission is one of the essential
evidences and stimulants to the Spirit’s work in
our lives. The word submit was used in a military
context. A soldier would relinquish his personal
rights and become a part of a greater team.
Rather than a sign of weakness, it was a mark
of strength and it promoted the common good
rather than just one individual. No church can
thrive without this fundamental virtue. Without
this crucial character quality, we will spin off into
our own personal groups and simply fight with
others and compare ourselves with others. We
will elevate ourselves above others. An insipid
self-righteousness will abound and destroy
Christian community. We do this naturally and
quite well!
John Calvin was attuned to this motivation
that resides in every human heart:
We are all so blinded and upset by self-love
that everyone imagines he has a just right to
exalt himself, and to undervalue all others in
comparison to self. If God has bestowed on
us any excellent gift, we imagine it to be our
own achievement; and we swell and even
burst with pride. If the same talents which
we admire in ourselves appear in others, or
even our betters, we depreciate and diminish
them with the utmost malignity, in order
that we may not have to acknowledge the
superiority of others. Everyone flatters
himself and carries a kingdom in his breast. 9
The writer of Hebrews was keenly aware of our
need to submit to one another due to the straying
nature of our hearts. We are easily self-deceived
and then live deceitful lives. It comes with the
territory of remaining sin and an attitude of
unbelief. That is why he says,
See to it, brothers and sisters, that none
of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart
that turns away from the living God. But
encourage one another daily, as long as it
is called “Today,” so that none of you may
be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. We have
come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold
our original conviction firmly to the very
end.”(Heb 3:12–14)
A lifestyle of submitting to one another as well
as submitting to those whom God has placed
over us (Heb 13:17) is vital to the Christian’s
growth in faith and obedience. The church
has a foundation for submission that no other
organization has. It is rooted in hearing God’s
voice. We have One who submitted to the Father
on our behalf. The faithful Son gave his life for
self-deceived and deceitful people like you and
me. We not only find a superior example in
Jesus, but also a superior Savior. Jesus submitted
to the Father for his people, in order to make
atonement for our sins and liberate us from a
life of deception. He did this so that we might
have confidence to come out of hiding and live
as members of the body of Christ who submit to
one another out of reverence to Christ.
For the previous three directives to grow
in the life of a community, there must be this
essential posture of humility before God and
one another. Without humility, there is no ability
to even stay in the same room with one another,
much less the same church. If we cannot remain
in close fellowship with one another, then
there will be no speaking, worshiping or giving
thanks. We have to persevere with one another,
in lasting friendships, marriages and small
groups, in good times and bad times, or none of
the previous things can flourish.
Are we teachable people who are willing to
both speak and listen to one another? Are we
willing to heed other people’s counsel? Are we
willing to let people challenge us, encourage us,
and even correct us? This humility and this act of
submitting to one another is the vision that God
has given for what our churches can look like.
As we commit to bringing about this vision, we
will begin to live out these qualities of speaking,
singing, giving thanks, and submitting.
How is this lifestyle of humble submission
to be lived out in the body of Christ? Sinners do
not do this naturally. In fact, we are quite good at
just the opposite. In our pride, we prefer to ignore
13
people’s advice, worship anything besides the
true God and complain rather than give thanks.
Humility does not come easily. Can you imagine
an addict’s accountability to another person
anchored in accountability to Christ? Can you
imagine an elder willing to receive advice from
a former addict because both live in submission?
What pictures of humility! What a testimony to
the power of the Spirit.
Are you beginning to see the rich wisdom
of Scripture that guides us to think about how
the church can minister to addicts of all kinds?
We have much to offer. The Scriptures are clear
and convincing. The wisdom of Scripture far
literally means “recklessness” or “reckless living.”
This simple word also appears in the parable
of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11–32). Here the
word is used to describe the son’s lifestyle. The
prodigal son took his share of the inheritance,
left his father and engaged in reckless living.
But what was it that convinced the prodigal
son to repent, leave his reckless lifestyle, and
return home? It was something equally reckless,
but good: his father’s passionate, overflowing
and unwavering love for him. Remember what
happened? The straying son came to his senses
and remembered what his father was like. When
the father saw his son returning, he ran out to
Can you imagine an addict’s accountability to
another person anchored in accountability to Christ?
Can you imagine an elder able to receive advice from
a former addict because both live in submission?
What pictures of humility!
pre-dates the recovery movement of the last
100 years. In fact, fragmentary remnants of
Scripture give all these groups the strengths
they have. The church has been far too passive
and allowed well-meaning groups to outdo
what the church should and could be doing. The
church has all the ingredients to play a primary
role. With these four marks—speaking to one
another, worshiping the Lord, giving thanks
to God, and submitting to one another— the
Spirit-filled church has all that it needs to create
a welcoming place for addicts and everyone else.
True worshipers are a body of redeemed sinners.
There are no longer any differences that mean
anything to God, for all are one in Christ Jesus
(Gal 3:28). This is a new social order.
There is only one way that these virtues will
be formed in our lives and relationships, but it
requires a second and closer look at Ephesians
5:18–21. Let us look once more at this text and
other teachings in Scripture as we seek to locate
the dynamic for change of both personal growth
and corporate growth.
A Different Kind of Reckless
As we saw, Scripture tells us that drunkenness
leads to debauchery. The word Paul uses in
Ephesians 5:18 is the Greek word asotia, which
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meet him, kissed him, embraced him, called for
his best robe, and ordered that the fattened calf
be slaughtered for a celebration. This reckless
love outdid the reckless debauchery. The reckless
love of the Father that is demonstrated for us
in the gospel is what constantly calls us back
to him. Tim Keller speaks of the prodigal son’s
father and his love this way:
The word prodigal does not mean“wayward”
but “recklessly spendthrift.” It means to
spend until you have nothing left. This term
is therefore as appropriate for describing
the father in the story as his younger son.
The father’s welcome to the repentant son
was literally reckless, because he refused
to “reckon” or count his sin against him or
demand repayment. This response offended
the elder son and, most likely, the local
community. In this story the father represents
the heavenly Father Jesus knew so well. St.
Paul writes: “God was in Christ reconciling
the world to himself, not reckoning to them
their trespasses” (2 Cor 5:19 ASV). Jesus is
showing us the God of Great Expenditure,
who is nothing if not prodigal toward us, his
children. God’s reckless grace is our greatest
hope, a life changing experience...10
Jesus’ intention is clear. He uses the parable to
talk about his own Father’s love. His reckless
love cost him dearly. The price to win back
reckless addicts like you and me would involve
a holy reckless love that far outspends even the
most reckless sinner.
This is the same love that calls us back into
communion with the Father, Son, and Spirit. It is
the love that then sends us into community with
our brothers and sisters in the body of Christ
with humility and submission to one another. It
does this over and over and over again. Day after
day. Year after year.
We want our churches to live filled with the
Spirit, becoming communities of believers that
are a persuasive presence in the world. Listen
to the words of the famous seventeenth century
hymn writer, Horatio Bonar, that remind us of
the primacy of God’s grace. They are based upon
the same parable of the lost son. (His words
are in italics, punctuated with my prayers of
application.)
No gloomy uncertainty as to God’s favor can
subdue one lust, or correct our crookedness of
will.
Lord, correct my crooked will because
you love me.
But the free pardon of the cross uproots sin, and
withers all its branches. Only the certainty of
love, forgiving love, can do this.
Please uproot and wither all that is
wrong in me.
Free and warm reception into the divine favor
is the strongest of all motives in leading a man
to seek conformity to Him who has thus freely
forgiven him all trespasses.
Thank you, Lord, for forgiving all of my
trespasses. I am forever grateful that I am in
your favor.
A cold admission into the paternal house of the
father might have repelled the prodigal, and
sent him back into his lusts: but the fervent
kiss, the dear embrace, the best robe, the ring,
the shoes, the fatted calf, the festal song—all
without one moment’s suspense or delay as
well as without one upbraiding word, could
not but awaken shame for the past, and truehearted resolution to walk worthy of such a
father, and of such a generous pardon.
Thank you for receiving me as your
child. Thank you for the generous pardon
that I have been given in Christ.
Revellings, banquetings and abominable
idolatries come to be the abhorrence of him
round whom the holy arms of renewed
fatherhood have been so lovingly thrown.
Sensuality, luxury, and the gaieties of the flesh
have lost their relish to one who has tasted the
fruit of the tree of life.11
Make it so for all your beloved children.
The Father’s love has the power to change lives.
This is the good news. The kingdom of God has
broken into our world in the coming of Jesus. It
is this message that can form churches where
people are filled with the Spirit—intoxicated
with God. In these thriving communities, sinners
of all kinds and degrees will find welcome,
embrace, comfort, encouragement, grace, power
and a call to grow in love of God and neighbor.
What Does This Look Like Practically?
Without the ingredients that we have been
discussing and without a tone and culture of
grace and growth, no program or structure, no
small group or support group will bring about
this kind of helping community. Without the
transforming work of the grace of God in us, we
will not be good at reaching out to “prodigals,”
for we will fail to see that we ourselves are
prodigals in need of that same grace.
When such a culture begins to form, then
the structures, groups, systems, and programs will
not be impersonal, lifeless machinery. Structures
become scaffolding upon which vibrant ministry
to addicts will thrive. Many churches find that
initial support groups are a good place to begin.
These are specific to a particular struggle: e.g.,
groups for people struggling with pornography,
eating disorders, alcohol, chemical addiction.
Groups may also form around a similar experience
of suffering such as divorce, losing a spouse or a
loved one, or facing a life-threatening illness. This
is a good place to begin, but the goal must also
include ways of protecting people from letting
their personal struggles with sin or suffering
become their fundamental identity. This becomes
a matter of wisdom for leaders, as they encourage
strugglers to also find places in the body of Christ
where they serve alongside others in ways that
are not defined by their personal struggles. This
enables strugglers to see themselves as part of a
greater community where everyone is more alike
than different. Sin and suffering—and hope—are
common to us all (1 Cor 10:13).
The opportunities to think creatively about
15
structuring ministry are endless. Every church
must contextualize ministry in such a way that it
best fits the culture and the people. Over the past
few decades, many churches have reached out to
provide ministry and help for people struggling
with life dominating sins and sufferings.
Investigate what is and is not working. Talk to
church leaders in your area. Seek out the help
of ministries that are designed to provide useful
resources for the church.12 Evaluate what you
hear and see by its fidelity to Scripture.
*
*
*
Is the church a place that can minister to addicts?
Is it possible for the church to be a place where
addicts find acceptance and support? Does the
gospel even speak to addictions? The answer to
all of these questions is YES—because of God’s
grace and reckless love.
_______________________________________
1 Lesslie Newbigin, Truth to Tell: The Gospel as Public
Truth (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans Publishing, 1991), 85.
2 For a fuller treatment of addictions see the following
resources: Blame it on the Brain and Addictions: A
Banquet in the Grave by Edward T. Welch. See also
Michael R. Emlet’s “Understanding the Influences on
the Human Heart,” Journal of Biblical Counseling 20:2
(2002): 47-52.
16
3 Note how James 3:9–12 uses similar analogies to show
that our behavior is the result of inner person loyalties.
4 John Stott, The Message of Ephesians (Downers Grove,
Illinois: IVP, 1979), 184.
5 Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together (San Francisco:
Harper and Row, 1954), 27.
6 Ibid. pp. 28-29.
7 Horizontal means between self and others. Vertical
means between self and God.
8 Neil Young,“From Hank to Hendrix”
9 John Calvin, Golden Booklet of the True Christian Life
(Grand Rapids: Baker, 1952), 31-32.
10 Tim Keller, The Prodigal God: Recovering the Heart of
the Christian Faith (New York: Dutton, 2008), XIV-XV.
11 Horatius Bonar, God’s Way of Holiness (CreateSpace,
2011; orig. 19th c), 27.
12 For some helpful resources, see CCEF’s curriculum:
(1) Crossroads by Edward T. Welch is a companion
curriculum to Addictions: A Banquet in a Grave, and is
designed for small groups. (2) How People Change is also
a curriculum based upon the book (of the same title) that
is intended to be used in small groups. It provides a way
for Christians to think about the dynamics of change
for any issue. See also “Biblical Ministry in a Rescue
Mission: Interview with Bob Emberger,” The Journal
of Biblical Counseling 17:1 (1998): 15-22. Emberger,
the Executive Director of Whosever Gospel Mission,
describes practical ways to help men and women caught
in addictions. Finally, I teach a CCEF course about
ministry systems and structures: Counseling in the Local
Church.
by Winston T. Smith
What is right about sex? To some people that is a
silly question. It is like asking what is right about
ice cream or summer vacation. Sex can be a simple
pleasure bringing intimacy and satisfaction. To
other people, sex is simply a “need” that adults
have. We would never ask what is right about air,
sleep, water, or food!
But sex can bring heartache and confusion.
It can easily go wrong, becoming a source of
brokenness and degradation. Sex can mean
enslavement to another person’s demands, or selfenslavement to pornography and masturbation,
and the like. Even when sex does not degrade
into experiences of darkness, the good and the
bad get mixed up and tangled together. A good
gift easily gets stained by anxiety, distaste, mutual
misunderstanding, or episodic moral failure.
What is your experience? Has sex been
a blessing in your life? Or did puberty and
adulthood open a Pandora’s box of curses?
In this article, we will look at what is right
about sex. It was created “very good,” a gift from
God. When he said “Be fruitful and multiply,” he
intended our calling to be a delight. Understanding
what is right will help us to understand how sex
goes wrong. It will also help us to understand how
God takes what is wrong and remakes it right
again, remade into his good image.
___________________________________________
Winston Smith (M.Div.) counsels and teaches at CCEF.
He is the author of “Marriage Matters: Extraordinary
Change through Ordinary Moments.”
Made in God’s Image—Made as Sexual
Beings
In displaying God’s power and goodness, the
opening chapters of Genesis also display the
goodness of sex. In the very beginning, God’s
Spirit hovers over an unformed swirling mass
of chaos, and he speaks. With each utterance,
the elements dance to his words. They take the
form he commands. They fulfill the function
that he decrees. He makes various domains and
spaces, and then fills them with his servants.
God creates day and night—and fills them with
sun, moon and stars. God creates sky—and fills
it with birds. God creates sea—and fills it with
fish and other creatures that swim. God creates
land—and fills it with plants and animals. As
his crowning touch, God creates humankind:
Then God said, “Let us make man in our
image, after our likeness. And let them
have dominion over the fish of the sea
and over the birds of the heavens and over
the livestock and over all the earth and
over every creeping thing that creeps on
the earth.” So God created man in his own
image, in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them. And
God blessed them. And God said to them,
“Be fruitful and fill the earth.” 1
We are so familiar with this passage that it fails
to surprise us. But it is an astounding thing
that God created us in his image, and that the
fruitful union of male and female is intrinsic
17
to our calling to bear his image. When God
considered all that he had made,“behold, it was
very good.” This helps us understand what is
right about sex.
Notice five things about being created in
the image of God.
First, what does God mean when he
says, “Let us make man in our image.”? In
the ancient near-east an image captured the
essence of the being it symbolized. It was not
like the memorial statue of a famous person
that you might see in your local park. It was
more serious, more real than that. Whether
of a god or a king, the image expressed the
essence and exerted influence on behalf of that
personage. Kings would build great statues
of themselves and place them throughout
the domain as symbols of their presence and
power. The image effectively proclaimed,“I may
not be here physically—but I am here. Let this
remind you of my power and control over you
and this land.”
To be made in the image of God comes
with this sort of gravity and presence—only
far greater. God teaches us in Genesis that we
are his image-bearers. We bear the living image
of the life-giving Creator of the universe! We
represent him on earth, ruling and governing
his creation, both with him and on his behalf.
This is a high calling. We are true, real-life
images, representing the King of kings. He has
given us the crowning position in his created
order.
Since we embody God’s care and control
over creation, we are not to be ruled by creation.
Any time we are enslaved by some element of
creation—sex, food, power, work, relationship,
riches—we are experiencing an effect of the
fall into sin and death. Slavery is not our true
identity. As God’s image bearers, we are meant to
express his personal presence—in our sexuality
as in every other aspect of creation. To share in
the nature, character, and purposes of the God
we image… this is weighty! But there is more.
Second, we express God’s image in the
same way that children reflect the traits of their
parents. Genesis 5 says:
When God created man, he made him in
the likeness of God. …When Adam had lived
130 years, he fathered a son in his own
likeness, after his image, and named him
Seth. (Gen 5:1–3)
18
The New Testament takes this and boldly calls
Adam “the son of God”(Lk 3:38). Then in words
beyond imagination, Scripture brings together
Jesus the Son, the love of the Father in making
us his children, and our moral transformation
into Jesus’ image:
See what kind of love the Father has given
to us, that we should be called children of
God; and so we are…. Beloved, we are God’s
children now, and what we will be has not
yet appeared; but we know that when he
appears we shall be like him, because we
shall see him as he is. (1 John 3:1–2)
To be in God’s image is to be his beloved child;
to be God’s child is to become his image of
love. Our destiny is to mature, and finally
to be transformed into the full expression of
this image. Becoming like Jesus in love is a
moral identity utterly different from being a
slave of sin and death. It is to enter a role of
significance, responsibility, and beauty. This has
huge implications for how we understand and
handle our sexuality.
Third, as maturing children of God, we
have a role to play in God’s creation. Notice
where Adam and Eve represent God. He plants
a garden—Eden, a paradise—and places them
in it. When you think about the word garden,
think arboretum, a pleasure garden, not a
backyard vegetable plot. Picture a beautiful,
manicured space, impressive to the eye and
a joy to the heart. Envision walkways and
streams, lush plants, fruit trees, and flowers.
In the ancient near-east, a king would create
such a beautiful garden in the midst of his
palace complex and fill it with exotic plants
and animals. Similarly, a temple might contain
such a garden to symbolize the god or king’s
ability to give life, to cultivate and to bless. In
a far greater way, God placed Adam and Eve in
his garden and he gave them the role of being
fruitful—in a variety of ways. As they fulfilled
this commission, God’s life-giving goodness
and glory would be expressed.
Fourth, one way to be fruitful is to work and
keep the garden. These words are more than
agricultural terms. When the words work and
keep are placed together in other contexts in the
Bible, they describe liturgical service, the work
of worship by priests serving in the precincts
of God’s temple. Adam and Eve are not just
gardeners, but image-bearing worshipers in
the holy precincts of a holy garden. By our
very nature, we are creatures who worship—
either worshiping the Creator in freedom
or worshiping some element of the creation
as slaves. Our daily actions of working and
keeping are infused with dignity and meaning
when they are acts of devotion, performed by
image-bearers for God’s purposes. The daily
activities of working, learning, marriage, childrearing, and home-making can seem ordinary
and mundane (even becoming degraded and
enslaving). But at root these actions are intended
to embody our loving response to God’s call to
work and keep what he has created.
Fifth, the other specific way to be fruitful
using it to make the earth. Then he used the
blood to form people. Why? The gods don’t
like working. They get hungry and need to be
served and fed. Your duty, your destiny, is to
be their slave. You exist to feed, support, and
nourish the gods. You must do the work they
do not care to do—or else.2
In this version of creation you do not
bear the image of the gods. You only serve
their arbitrary demands. Since you become
like what you worship (Ps 115:8), you do,
in a curious way, bear their image. You, like
them, are degraded and self-serving. And
your sexuality reflects that. This holds out such
a different picture from the dignity of God’s
Sexual differentiation, identity, and activity are an
integral part of human purpose.
involved sexual intimacy. This has been implicit
in all we have considered. Sexual intimacy
between a husband and wife—“male and
female he created them, and God blessed
them”—is one such dutiful and pleasurable act
of love and worship. It embodies the oneness
and love our Father has for us. God created
Adam and Eve as sexual beings, male and
female. Sexual differentiation, identity, and
activity are an integral part of human purpose.
God creates domains, fills them with life, and
brings order and beauty. In the same way,
God’s image-bearers are to create life, bring
offspring into families, cultivate this world
by work and worship, and make the entire
earth God’s holy garden. In the midst of this
sacred space, God commands sexual activity.
Through sexual intimacy, Adam and Eve
would multiply image-bearers who fruitfully
live in God’s sacred space, extending the glory
of God through the whole earth.
We are made in God’s image—made as
sexual beings—and that is what’s right about
sex. Knowing God’s intended purposes gives
sex dignity, but not everyone believes this.
If you had been one of Israel’s ancient
neighbors, you would have learned a starkly
different creation narrative. Knowing how
you got here and what your role is may
have been described like this: A fierce battle
occurred between two gods. The victor took
the defeated god’s body and broke it in pieces,
story. It is hopeless, futile, and void of love.
Any narrative other than the biblical one
shares this fundamental flaw. The modern
narrative tends to be a biological narrative: you
are a slave to your evolved sexual instincts. The
old polytheistic myths have been replaced by a
libidinal myth.You and others exist to serve the
imperatives of your lust. But if you believe you
were born to be a slave, then you are unable
to hope for anything different and better.
Slavery is your identity and destiny. Perhaps
the creation stories of Israel’s neighbors
offered some fatalistic comfort as they lived at
the mercy of the elements and cruel despots.
Since they experienced slavery, their story
helped them simply accept it. Perhaps the
creation stories of our neighbors offer a similar
fatalistic comfort, planting us body and soul
into the soil of our sins and miseries.
All myths are dehumanizing. But the God
in whose image you are made humanizes
you. He calls you to turn away from a life of
slavery. He calls you to faith, hope, and love.
He restores the dignity and wholeness of
his image-bearers. Knowing that the real
story includes what is right about sex helps
us to rethink our own stories, even when
(especially when) that story is filled with
sexual brokenness. The God who created us to
be free meets us in our slaveries and sets us
free in his service.
19
Made to Be Persons not Objects
Interestingly, the first audience of Genesis was
enslaved, literally. Moses delivered the creation
narrative to God’s people as they escaped
slavery in Egypt to help them learn what it
meant to live as God’s free people after living
as slaves for hundreds of years. They needed to
know that their experience of slavery was not
the whole story. Enslavement did not reflect
their true identity; they had been created for
more. But everyone who reads Genesis for the
first time reads it as a slave. We all begin life as
sinners who are enslaved to sin and its curse.
One of the odd behaviors of sinners/slaves
is our constant drive to escape our status as
slaves by enslaving others. It seems we cannot
help but look at others and ask,“How can they
serve me?” Often an aspect of sexual sin is
the desire to feel exalted by another, to either
bask in the ways that they give us pleasure or
to enjoy the power of being able to bring them
pleasure or, for some, even pain. Whatever the
motivations may be, sexual sin treats another
person as if they are an object that exists to
serve us. In sexual sin, there is no regard for
the welfare of another or consideration of
consequences. The only goal is to experience
the pleasure of the moment.
In Genesis, God tells us who we really are
so we can live differently. In effect, God speaks
to us in our slavery and says, “You were not
created to be slaves but to know and serve me,
to live in freedom and love.” Genesis should
change the way we see ourselves. If we embrace
it, Genesis begins to restore the dignity and
worth that are ours as God’s children.
Genesis changes the way we see others
as well. Though you will be tempted to make
objects of and use other people, you are to
remember that they too are image bearers
of God. When God reminds you of this, he
is saying, “These people are not objects, they
belong to me, not you. They do not exist for
your pleasure but to glorify me as my children.”
Rather than seeing others as slaves or objects
that exist for our pleasures, we begin to
recognize the obligations and responsibilities
we have to God and one another.
For example, notice the connection the
book of James makes between image bearing
and the way we use our words: “No man can
tame the tongue; it’s a restless evil full of deadly
20
poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord
and Father and with it we curse men that have
been made in God’s likeness” (James 3:8-9).
James points out the hypocrisy of using our
words to both praise God and then curse those
made in his image. If we honor and bless God
with our words, we ought to use our words to
honor those made in his image.
But James highlights another important
connection. When we curse people we also
curse the one whose image they bear, their
creator. When you deface the image, you attack
the original. The way we treat our fellow image
bearers ultimately reflects our attitude toward
God. In other words, behind all of our attacks
and abuse of people there is another target—
God himself. Evil is never simply a privately
held animosity toward God, but an expressed
hatred of people. Rebellion against God always
results in animosity toward those who bear
his image, even if it takes the form of selfish
isolation rather than explicit acts of hatred
toward others.
As a more extreme example, consider serial
killer Ted Bundy’s attitude toward others. In
1980, while awaiting execution on death row,
Bundy met with interviewers who hoped to
gain some understanding of how one could be
capable of such monstrous things. His response
was along these lines: “This planet has billions
of people on it, what’s one less person on the
face of the earth anyway?”Jarring. Unthinkable.
Evil. To dismiss God as God, one must also
dismiss his image bearers as nothing more than
a population of meaningless creatures.
Contrast that with the view of humanity
C.S. Lewis describes in his famous sermon“The
Weight of Glory”:
It’s a serious thing to live in a society of
possible gods and goddesses. To remember
that the dullest and most uninteresting
person you talk to may one day be a
creature which if you saw it now you would
be strongly tempted to worship or else a
horror and a corruption such as you now
meet if at all only in a nightmare. All day
long to some degree we help each other
to one or other of these destinations. It’s
in the light of one of these overwhelming
possibilities, it is with the awe and
circumspection proper to them that we
should conduct all our dealings with one
another, all friendships, all loves, all play,
and all politics. There are no ordinary
people. You have never talked to a mere
mortal.3
We live every day in the company of image
bearers with eternal destinies of glory. Do we
live in conscious awareness of that reality or do
we allow our hearts to drift into the mindset
of darkness and manipulation, seeing them as
objects that exist for our pleasures, the delight
of our eyes, and even of our bodies? That should
not be.“There are no ordinary people. You have
never talked to a mere mortal.”
Sometimes, especially in marriage, it
the church is rooted in and reflects another
relationship—our relationship with Christ.
Genuine care for one another grows out of our
union with Christ. He is the perfect image of
God, and the image of God is restored in us
when we are united to Christ. Restoration to
the image of God enables us to love each other
as we ought, to love as he has loved us. We are
made to be persons, not objects.
Made for Relationship
But there is even more to image bearing. In
Genesis 1:27 we read, “So God created man in
His own image, in the image of God He created
... being one flesh should not lead us to think of
spouses as possessions that exist to serve our personal
desires. Instead, it should remind us of our joint
membership and mutual responsibilities in Christ.
is tempting to think of one’s spouse as a
possession—an object to own. After all, in
marriage we become “one flesh” in a unique
way. We are no longer our own. But being one
flesh should not lead us to think of spouses
as possessions that exist to serve our personal
desires. Instead, it should remind us of our
joint membership and mutual responsibilities
in Christ. The New Testament exhorts us to
understand our life together as “one flesh,” or
members of one body. This does not conjure
up notions of selfish demands, but attitudes
of honor, mutual concern, nurture, and love.
Consider Paul’s words to the Corinthian church
as he describes our lives together as Christians,
“. . . its parts should have equal concern for
each other. If one part suffers, every part
suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part
rejoices with it” (1 Cor 12:25–26). Paul speaks
specifically about marriage to the Ephesians,
“He who loves his wife loves himself. After
all, no one ever hated his own body, but he
feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the
church—for we are members of his body” (Eph
5:28–29). The emphasis is on how we are to be
compassionate and motivated by the welfare of
the other.
But notice, too, that the “one flesh”
membership we experience in marriage and
Him, male and female He created them.” When
God created us he didn’t just intend for us to
bear his image as individuals, but to represent
him through relationship. As James suggests,
the way we live in relationships has everything
to do with our identity as God’s image bearers.
Cast Away was a popular movie many years
ago starring Tom Hanks. It is the story of a man
named Chuck who survives a plane crash and
is stranded on an uncharted, deserted island.
When I first watched Cast Away, I was a little
jealous. I enjoy having some alone time to think
and read. But as the movie unfolds, you begin
to appreciate just how unbearable loneliness
can be. The physical hardships of survival fade
into the background; Chuck’s biggest problem
is being alone. He becomes so desperate for
somebody to connect with that he paints a face
on a volleyball he found in the plane wreckage.
He names the volleyball Wilson, and, as odd as
it sounds, develops a relationship with “him.”
He talks to Wilson. He begins to care about
Wilson. He needs Wilson.
Eventually Chuck constructs a raft and
leaves the island in the hopes of being rescued.
As he’s floating out in the ocean, Wilson is
swept off of the raft. As Wilson floats away,
Chuck panics. He jumps into the water to
swim after him, but he cannot catch up to him.
21
Finally he wails and sobs, “Wilson, I’m sorry!
I’m sorry, Wilson!” It sounds pretty strange, but
by that point the audience can relate to Chuck’s
anguish. If you have ever experienced the pain
and ache of loneliness, you understand that any
of us would populate our world with volleyballs
in order to imagine relationship.
Why do we experience such a craving for
relationship, or, as with Chuck, the illusion
of relationship? Again, we find the answer in
creation. God created us to reflect his image
by living in relationship. God himself exists as
a relationship. Before he created anything else,
relationship existed because God himself is
relationship. As the Trinity of Father, Son and
Holy Spirit, God exists as three persons and yet
is one God. The church has carefully formulated
ways of talking about the Trinity because it is
difficult to understand—so wholly other than
anything we know. But we do realize that the
Trinity is a relationship. The Trinity is not God
pretending to be in a relationship. God’s very
nature is relationship.
As his image bearers, God has made us to
live in relationship. The intimacy of marriage
presents us with a picture of the relational
intimacy of the Trinity. God makes Adam, and
then he takes the oneness of Adam and creates
a two-ness. He then brings these two back
together in marriage to exercise and practice
oneness again, not just emotionally or in
terms of a covenant, but physically practicing
oneness—sexually practicing oneness. To
understand our identity and sexuality, we have
to appreciate that sexual intimacy was designed
to reflect the oneness that God experiences
within himself, and that he desires to have
with his children. True sexual intimacy between
husband and wife is a very natural embodiment
of this unity.
There is more however. The sexual
intimacy of marriage reflects many different
aspects of God’s love for us. For instance, God’s
love is faithful and trustworthy. This helps us
understand why faithfulness and trust are
important for sex to be good. Without being
lurid, consider the reality of what is required
physically for husband and wife to be sexually
intimate: you allow one another access to
the most sensitive parts of your body that are
capable of pleasure but, for that very same
reason, make you vulnerable and able to be
22
harmed. Why would you let anybody touch you
in that way if you do not know if that person is
faithful and trustworthy? To entrust your body
to a faithless person would be placing yourself
in real danger. Will this person prove untrue?
Use you? Physically harm you? Give you a
disease? Abandon you with a child?
We also know God’s love in the many
ways he serves us. God is always concerned
to do what is best for us, not what is easy for
him. In his letter to the Philippians, Paul tells
us that Jesus “took the very nature of a servant,”
even submitting himself to death for our sake.
Christ’s example of service urges us to love each
other in the same way. For sex to be what God
intended it to be, it must be an expression of
that same desire to serve and meet the needs
of the other.
It is easy to be selfish and self-serving
with sex. If you go into it to seize all of the
pleasure for yourself, would your spouse
call that good sex? For sex to be what it was
intended to be, a celebration and embodiment
of God’s love, it requires patience, self-control
and service. Because male and female bodies
are wired differently, husbands and wives
will not naturally share the same preferences.
Spouses need to be sensitive to the ways
that men and women may experience sex
differently—aroused by different things, at
different rates, and requiring a different touch.
These differences usually mean that sex will
not be mutually gratifying unless each spouse
is careful to attend to and thoughtfully serve
the other.
This kind of thoughtful serving requires
spouses to communicate with each other. But
communication about this most intimate of acts
probably will not happen unless it rests on a
foundation of communication practiced in day
to day life. We should not be surprised, then, that
God’s love for us is characterized by a constant
flow of communication. He reveals himself to
us in intimate detail. His heart is poured out to
us through song, poetry, and the story of his life
with his people. Likewise, he invites us to pour
our hearts out to him in prayer and praise. The joy
that husband and wife enjoy in physical pleasure
provides a hint at the joy of oneness that we will
one day enjoy with God. It is a joy built on the
oneness that we know in part from the constant
flow of communication we experience with him.
One of the most important messages
God communicates to us is his deep and
abiding love and acceptance of us. Intimacy
between a husband and wife should likewise
communicate acceptance and affirmation and
love. If you feel put down, judged, and critiqued,
or if you feel like you are probation, awaiting the
verdict of whether or not you will be loved, then
you are not going to make yourself vulnerable.
You will not want to emotionally disrobe with
your spouse, and you certainly will not feel safe
to physically disrobe either.
By thinking through ways that God
demonstrates his love, we realize our call
reminds us and celebrates the fact that we were
made for intimacy, made to be known and
loved, and made to know and love others. At
the end of the creation story in Genesis chapter
2, we are told that the man and his wife were
both naked and they felt no shame. Nakedness
without shame. Amazing. The Bible states this
remarkable fact without comment, yet it is so
powerful that it should make your jaw hit the
floor. It is remarkable because nowhere else
in the Bible, and only occasionally in our own
lives, do we witness nakedness without shame.
Adam and Eve’s comfort with their physical
nakedness reflects the reality that they have
Sex reminds us and celebrates the fact that we were
made for intimacy, made to be known and loved, and
made to know and love others.
as image-bearers. Even our sexuality was
designed to reflect his character and love. Yet
you have probably experienced disconnection
between relationship and sex from time to
time in marriage. You may have noticed that
when you have deficits in your marriage
relationship, there are deficits in the bedroom
as well. Sometimes it is obvious: when there
has been an ugly argument you might hear
something like, “I can’t make love to you now.
After what you said to me this morning, I don’t
even know if I like you right now much less
want to make love to you.” Brokenness in any
area of the house will show up as brokenness
in the bedroom. Or it could be a much smaller
disconnection: “I do want to be with you, but
I feel like we haven’t connected today. I don’t
feel like I know what’s going on with you. We
haven’t had time to share our hearts and so this
just feels a little awkward. Can we spend some
time talking first and connecting?” Because sex
was designed to be an expression of the whole
person, we need to express what is going on
inside by being emotionally and spiritually
intimate, communicating, connecting, and
sharing if we are to express love outwardly
with our bodies. We were, after all, made for
relationship.
Made to Know and Be Known
What else can we say is right about sex? Sex
nothing to hide and nothing to fear from the
other. At this point they are sinless. There are
no evil thoughts, no vile intentions, and no
schemes to manipulate the other. It is safe for
them to outwardly reveal themselves to one
another because they have nothing to conceal
inwardly. It is safe for them to be open with
their thoughts and emotions, as well as with
their bodies. That must have been a wonderful
experience for them. Perhaps we get brief tastes
of this in our own marriages, but these intimate
moments tend to be fleeting because we are
still sinful, even as we live in the covenant
bonds of marriage, and even as we live by
grace. We wrestle with sinful thoughts that we
do not want to share, that we cannot bear to
acknowledge even to ourselves.
After the fall, nakedness and shame
become synonymous—and horrific. To be
exposed or revealed before another was to
be vulnerable to disgrace, rejection, and even
violence. In the Old Testament nakedness and
shame even became threats made against God’s
enemies. In the book of Isaiah God says to
Babylon, “Your nakedness will be exposed and
your shame uncovered. I will take vengeance,
I will spare no one” (Isa 47:3). Or in Nahum
chapter 3, God says to Nineveh, “I am against
you declares the Lord God almighty, I will lift
your skirts over your face, I will show the nation
your nakedness and the kingdoms your shame”
23
(Nah 3:5). Even God’s own people felt shamed
and exposed when they encountered him.
When Isaiah finds himself in God’s presence
through a vision his immediate response is,
“Woe to me, I am ruined, I’m a man of unclean
lips and I live among a people with unclean
lips and my eyes have seen the King the Lord
Almighty, I am undone” (Isa 6:5).
How can we make sense of nakedness
without shame? You and I live in a place
where nakedness and shame almost always
go together. In fact, nakedness and shame
before God puts us in danger of his wrath and
destruction. Why would God show us this
picture of nakedness without shame when it is
impossible for us? After all, we cannot get back
to Genesis 2 from this side of Genesis 3.
God shows us this picture because
something incredibly new and better has
happened. Jesus has come, in spite of our
nakedness and shame, and has not turned
away from us or destroyed us. He has touched
us in a way that does not harm us or defile
him. He cleansed us, in effect saying, “You are
no longer dirty in my sight and you no longer
have to be ashamed.” He has uncovered all the
things that make us ashamed, all the things in
our hearts that make us want to hide and cover
ourselves, and covered us with his forgiveness
and love. Christ’s covering now enables us to
pursue relationships that are no longer plagued
by shame. It allows us to image God in our
relationships. We will not do that perfectly, but
it is the beginning of the reclamation of this
important aspect of our humanity.
A story in John 8 illustrates the beginning
of that reclamation. Jesus is teaching in the
temple courts, and the Pharisees and teachers
of the law set a trap for him. They bring a
woman that has been caught in adultery to
Jesus. If they were truly concerned with sin and
justice, they should have brought the man too.
They ask him, “The Law of Moses tells us that
this person needs to be stoned, what do you
say?” The woman is doubly shamed. She was
caught in adultery and now stands accused
before a judgmental crowd of people. And she
stands alone before Jesus. She has no covering
and nowhere to hide. What does Jesus do? He
stoops down and begins writing on the ground.
We do not know what he is writing, but he
finally says to the accusers, “If any of you are
24
without sin, let him cast the first stone.” He
begins writing again, and one by one they all
leave. He turns to the woman and says,“Where
are your accusers?”They are gone, and he tells
her that she is forgiven. She is to go and sin no
more. With Jesus now in her story, her shame
fades into the background. Christ is more
prominent.
Through the cleansing blood of Jesus, we
can again embrace the fact that we are made to
know and be known.
Made to Give What We’ve Been Given
This story shows us a radical and dramatic
reversal. The prideful are shamed and sent
away. The shamed are lifted up, made clean,
and restored. This is what Christ does for us
and in us. He cleanses and restores us when we
turn to him in faith and ask for forgiveness and
restoration. And we can be a part of giving that
to each other as well. I counseled a woman who
struggled with anxiety and fear. After I worked
with her for some time, I thought it would be
helpful to have her husband come in, so that I
could help him minister to his wife. But when
I invited her to share her anxiety and fears
with her husband, she did not talk about them.
In fact, she sounded happy. I was perplexed
and commented on the difference between
her current countenance and the way she
talked about things with me. Reluctantly she
explained to her husband, “I’m afraid to talk to
you about my fear. I’m afraid if you know how
anxious I really am you won’t love me anymore.
You won’t want to be married to me anymore.”
Finally she said, “What I really want is to know
that I can be honest about who I am, that I can
be known for who I really am, and still know
that you will love me.” Her husband took her
hands and said, “I do want you to be who you
are. I do want you to tell me about your fears.
And I do love you for who you are right now.”
In a basic and profound way, her husband
embodied Christ’s love for her. Every spouse
has the opportunity to give the love of Christ
to the other in marriage by refusing the shame,
and by accepting that Jesus has forgiven us and
cleansed us. When we know this to be true
for ourselves, we can demonstrate that same
truth in the way we respond to our spouse’s sin
and shame. We can make it okay to talk about
the things that we fear and the things we are
ashamed of. We can cover one another with the
love of Christ. And sexual intimacy itself can be
part of that acceptance and covering, because
sexual intimacy celebrates and proclaims God’s
love. Sexual intimacy communicates the gospel
when we allow it to say,“You don’t have to hide
anymore.You may be uncovered.You are beautiful
to me. You are clean, and I want to be connected
to you. I’m not afraid to touch you and be touched
by you.” In this very important way, we are made
to give what we have been given.
What Is Right about Sex?
God created sex as something good. Sex is
magnificent. We are his image-bearers, made as
sexual beings, made to be persons not objects,
and made for relationship. We are cleansed
people, restored to know God and others,
restored to be known by God and others, and
restored to give what we have been given in
Christ. Sex is intrinsic to our identity, not as
slaves, but as God’s children, made in his image
to mediate his presence, rule, and love. It invites
us to embody his faithful love, celebrate it, and
enact it.
Sexual brokenness with its exploitation
and distorted lusts is not the final word. We
can find freedom from this slavery through the
redeeming grace and love of Christ. We must
bring our sexual brokenness and sin to him, not
asking for the removal of sexual desire, but the
removal of sin and shame.
Renewed, restored, and cleansed we have
hope that we can experience what genuine
and pure sexual oneness can be. That process
begins as we experience oneness with Jesus
himself. Ask him to touch and cleanse you as
you entrust him with what seems so broken
and defiled. He desires for you to be one with
him. Invite him into the tender places of your
heart and receive his love. As he cleanses and
restores us, we can then turn to our spouses
and offer that same love and embody and enjoy
it together.
_______________________________________
1 Gen 1:26–28a; italics added to descriptions of
“image”; underlining added to descriptions of “sex and
procreation.”
2 John H. Walton, The NIV Application Commentary
(Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2001), 29.
3 C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory (New York: The
Macmillan Company, 1949), 14-15.
25
by David Powlison
In the course of teaching and counseling, I have
asked many people to talk or write about how
God drew them to seek and know him, how
he changed them. I ask them to describe, as
far as it is possible, the significant and decisive
factors.
In considering your growth as a Christian,
who and what most influenced you? Almost
invariably, people tell stories.
These stories exhibit common features: (1)
a challenging, troubling, disorienting situation,
and a sense of personal struggle with sins,
disturbing emotions, confusion; (2) God’s
intervening voice and hand, via Scripture, often
mediated through a godly person; and finally,
(3) the way all these come together, by the grace
of God, in a qualitative change in the one who
bears witness. The person changes in some
significant way: a new understanding of God,
self, and situation; a change of heart; a turning
to God in awakened faith; a recognition of
God’s providence in the situation; new actions
of wisdom and obedience.
When souls are being cured, people bear
witness to their external troubles, their internal
struggles, and their God of active providence
and relevant speech. Almost invariably, they
specify how two means of grace served as
vectors of their encouragement, instruction
___________________________________________
David Powlison (M.Div., Ph.D.) teaches at CCEF and
edits the “Journal of Biblical Counseling.”
26
and transformation: (1) the reorienting truth
of a particular passage of Scripture; (2) the
trustworthy love of a person who embodied
Christ.
I ask people to further describe these
two factors by working through two sets of
questions. The first set of questions considers
how God works through his words.
What passage of Scripture has proved
most significant in your life? What passage
is most meaningful to you? Why? What
does it touch? Why does this particular
revelation from and about God have such
an impact? How do these words make a
difference?
The second set of questions considers two
different perspectives on how God works
through his people.
Who do you most trust? What about this
most trustworthy person earns your trust?
What changed in you because of that
person’s influence? What are you able to
talk about because you trust?
Both of these factors matter supremely in the
change process, because God’s truth is spoken
and embodied by loving people.
This article will deal with the first set
of questions, the effect of particular truth. A
future article will consider the impact of loving,
constructive people.
I will present and discuss two stories of
change. These stories are typical in that they
contain features that recur in every redemption
story. They are idiosyncratic in that they
demonstrate the individuality and local color
of any good story. The details matter. Every
person’s story is significantly different. That’s
why “the world itself could not contain the
books that would be written” (John 21:25).
Yet the stories trace similar themes. Every
the church and become a drunk. But Jesus
calls me to forgive from the heart. Mark 11:25
is open and shut about that. It’s one of God’s
faithful commands. I know that’s where I need
to go, if I’m to come out of this as a constructive
person, not destructive or self-destructive. And
I’m getting there. God is faithful. God… is…
faithful. Jesus truly forgives me when I struggle.
Jesus infiltrates and rearranges every story, so that all of
our stories are marked and shaped by his loving purposes.
person’s story is similar. That’s why each story
tells “things that Jesus did” (John 21:25). Jesus
infiltrates and rearranges every story, so that
all of our stories are marked and shaped by his
loving purposes.1
As I confess my bitterness and grumbling, he
truly helps me. I need him to clear my head in
order to sort out what I need to do next, and so
I can do it in the right way and not just tangle
things up more.”
Charles
I think of such stories as catching the flash
of a goldfinch on the wing. We are privileged
to enter into a man’s life as it is happening.
What are we seeing and hearing? The passage
Charles cites explicitly names a common life
situation: mistreatment by the words of another
person. Notice there’s not necessarily a perfect
1:1 fit between this Scripture and Charles’s
life, but it’s “close enough” to be relevant.2 A
subsequent conversation with Charles revealed
what had happened. A longstanding friend
and trusted confidant had betrayed trust. He
had gossiped a sensitive confidence, degrading
Charles in the eyes of their circle of fellowship.
In the psalm, the persecutory liars are identified
as enemies of both God and psalmist, people
never to be trusted, who threaten literal death
and destruction. In Charles’s situation, the
sense of threat—“death and destruction”—
is metaphorical, a devastating estrangement
in social relations. The pain and perplexity
are aggravated because there had been real
trust, and this trust was betrayed. The offense
came not from an identified enemy, but from
a brother in Christ who treated him in an
enemy-like manner, and now tries to smooth
it over by acting like nothing happened. The
particular “lie” was actually a factual truth, but
a true statement used maliciously becomes
an expression of The Lie that threads through
fallen humanity. The situational reference
contained in Psalm 119:86 is appropriate and
relevant, but Charles has intuitively done
Charles is a single man in his early 30s, a welltaught layman, active in his Asian-American
church, a computer programmer by profession
He writes,
“Recently I have returned often to Ps
119:86: ‘All your commandments are faithful;
they persecute me with a lie; help me!’
Immediately, it says to me that there is such
a thing as completely and always trustworthy.
Especially in recently experiencing being sinned
against by broken trust, gossip, and betrayal... I
cling to the truth that God is always trustworthy
and what he says to me is trustworthy. He helps
me to trust again. When I say, ‘Help me!,’ I know
I’m talking with my Father, even in the midst of
facing broken trust from people who hurt me,
who don’t even think there’s a problem, who
don’t even want to try to resolve it. It’s like I’m
dealing with a cover-up. Everybody seems to be
avoiding what happened. When I try to bring it
up, I’m viewed as the problem because I want
to name and resolve what happened, not just
pretend.
“It’s so hard to forgive in this situation.
It’s easy to grumble inside, to get caught up
in my dark, fiery emotions, to replay the video
of what happened, to get bitter and paranoid
around my group of friends. Sometimes I just
pack it in and surf the web, checking out sports
cars and ecotourist adventures. I have a new
sympathy for why someone might just chuck
27
something quite intricate in connecting it to
what happened to him.
The internal struggle provoked by being
sinned against is only implicit in the actual
words of Psalm 119:86. But a sense of personal
distress, affliction, temptation to reactive sin, and
need for help are “obvious.” We know this from
universal human experience, as implied in the
cry for help, and as illustrated throughout Psalm
119. Charles legitimately reads his unhappiness
and his problematic reactions back into the
passage: “They persecute me with a lie” …and
I feel threatened, overwhelmed, hurt, frustrated
in all my efforts, unhappy, and I am tempted to
of coming out into daylight as a constructive
human being… but the verse easily bears such
fine gifts to a man in his need.
Notice also how God’s revelation always
attaches promises to his commands, and
attaches commands to his promises. He gives
us grace upon grace; he calls us to know him
and become like him. In Charles’s story, the
truths that echo in the background always tie
trustworthy reasons to trustworthy commands.
• Forgive (command), as you have been forgiven
in Christ (God’s person, work, promise).
• Take refuge (command) in your Rock
and Shepherd who is a safe place for the
The ethical reorientation of a human being rarely
comes through a pat answer or quick fix.
be angry, fearful, escapist and mistrusting. We
witness his version of the universal struggle
with double evil: evils come upon us and evils
come from within us. Mistreatment occasions
many temptations, and Charles’s story candidly
expresses his experience of trial and temptation.
We witness—and feel—his need for help.
His Scripture passage of choice comfortably
contains many variations on the human theme,
including his own.
And then there is the revelation of God.
The Lord never tells all in any one moment
of self-revelation. Various aspects of God’s
person, purposes, character, will, promises and
actions come onto the table in various portions
of Scripture: always timely to the complexities
of a particular situation, always pointedly
appropriate to the perplexities of existential
choice for a particular person or people.
Here in Psalm 119:86, we hear one truth
and overhear another: God’s directive words
are true and faithful, and he is a helper on
whom the needy may call. In Charles’s story—
again, a typical application of Scripture,
generating encounter with God and ethical
transformation—we hear not only the overt
revelation in this one verse, but numerous
echoes, conflations and allusions arising from
the biblical back story. This wider context shapes
his reception of Psalm 119:86. For example,
the verse per se does not mention the Father,
or the work of Jesus, or the forgiveness of our
sins, or the command of Mark 11:25, or the goal
28
afflicted (a train of evocative reasons).
• Be an imitator (command) of God as a
beloved child (a cornucopia of promise),
and walk in love (command) as Christ
loved us and gave himself up for us, an
offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant
aroma (the propitiatory burnt offering of
the Lamb, whose fragrance soothes and
pleases God).
In technical language, the indicative (what is
true about and from God) always frames and
drives the imperative (how we are to respond).
Faith works through love.
Charles’s troubles and struggles come
together with a revelation of who God is.
Charles turns from the world of sin and death,
to the God of grace and life. Charles turns and
is still turning. A change occurs in Charles—
and recurs. It is not one and done. Charles
continues to engage his ongoing situation in
the light and by the power of the Redeemer
Lord. We hear faith working all through his
story: “I have returned often… Immediately, it
says to me… I cling … He helps me to trust
again. When I say to him, ‘Help me,’ I know I’m
talking with my Father… I know that’s where
I need to go… God… is… faithful… When I
confess… he truly helps me.” Notice the active
verbs, his italics, the immediacy of relationship.
So far, this example describes changes
in Charles’ relationship with God. But he is
in motion toward changes in how he relates
to people. He is working out the “attitudinal”
forgiveness before God (Mark 11:25; Matt 6:9–
15) that is the precondition for constructively
approaching another person to work toward
“transacted” forgiveness (Luke 17:3–4; Matt
18:15–17).
Note three further implications. First,
Charles is changing, but there is no stasis. The
story isn’t over. Ethical renewal is not idealized
ethical perfection or moral self-improvement.
There are people he must talk with. Much good
has been happening, but the process is still
going somewhere, and the outcome remains
indeterminate. Charles is processing to the
next phase of struggle. We rejoice at what we
witness so far. But we sit on the edge of our
chairs, waiting with eager longing to see if
peacemakers will sow peace, bringing to further
realization the ethical glory of the sons of God.
What happens next is fraught with uncertainty.
How will the former friend respond? How
will the circle of friends respond? Will church
leaders step in and help if the situation
continues unresolved? Will Charles regress
into bitterness, self-pity and fantasizing over
Corvettes, or will he go forward in the light?
His life is a holy experiment. The grace and
goodness of God will finally triumph. But the
glory is not yet fully apparent.
Second, cure of souls usually involves
a different sort of ethical judgment than
the analyses and judgments pertaining to
depersonalized ethical cases and dilemmas.
It calls for more than coming to a thoughtful
Christian position; it calls for an ethic that’s on
the move. Casuistic ethical discourse—e.g.,
abortion, just war, definition of marriage,
grounds for divorce, medical decisionmaking—only occasionally touches down
in daily pastoral care. Even casuistic analysis
of matters immediately pertinent to Charles’
situation does not plumb the intricacies of
personal and pastoral need: “How should a
Christian respond to violation of trust by a
brother?; When is church discipline appropriate
and how should it proceed?” Such topical
ethical judgments frame the cure of souls, but
don’t carry it along. Luther cogently sets the
Christian life in motion because of situational
and personal realities:
This life, therefore, is not righteousness
but growth in righteousness, not health
but healing, not being but becoming, not
rest but exercise. We are not yet what we
shall be, but we are growing toward it. The
process is not yet finished but it is going
on. This is not the end but it is the road. All
does not yet gleam in glory but all is being
purified.3
The Christian position sets boundary conditions
and goals.The Christian process struggles forward
amidst many variables and contingencies.
Third, the triangulation of change—the
interplay between situation, personal struggle
and living God—exposes the failures of typical
pastoral counseling. Churchly advice often
reduces the complex, unfolding dynamic
of ethical transformation to a doctrinalistic,
moralistic, or pietistic exhortation to“Just_____.”
Here is some of what I’ve witnessed or read.
• Just remember God’s sovereignty.
• Just affirm that you’re a child of the King.
• Just get involved in a small group.
• Just get into an accountability relationship.
• Just give your troubles to Jesus.
• Just get into counseling.
• Just attend to the means of grace: preaching,
sacrament and personal devotions.
• Just have a mountaintop experience.
• Just cast out the demon of bitterness.
• Just repent of bitterness and love your
enemy.
• Just go to the person, and if he won’t listen,
take one or two others with you that every
charge may be established.
• Just take this key verse, Psalm 119:86, and
pray the Ezer Prayer (“Help me”) every
day, claiming your victory. This verse is
the key that opens God’s storehouse of
blessing. (OK, I made up this one. But its
logic is for real.)
Some of this counsel contributes well when
stripped of the simplistic “Just _____.” Some of
these truth-bits function well as part of a larger
whole. Other bits of counsel are nonsense,
mystifying and misleading to both counselgiver and counsel-receiver. But none of these
bits captures the reality of triangulation between
external troubles, internal struggles and the
active, hands-on, self-revealing Shepherd. None
of these captures what actually helped Charles.
They lack the feel for the process of living as a
Christian, for what it is like to be a human being
under the care of Christ. The ethical reorientation
of a human being rarely comes through a pat
29
answer or quick fix. Charles illustrates something
better, something richer, more human, more
humane, true to Scripture and life.
Charlotte
My second example is more intricate biblically,
richer experientially, and more complex
situationally. Charlotte is a female seminary
student in her mid-20s, single, with intuitive
counseling skills. Let me set the stage by some
comparison with the previous case study.
You will see that the similarities are basic:
both reveal transformation. But the timeline
for Charles’s story was relatively short: an
experience in the immediate past, still churning
in the present, and calling for further action
in the immediate future. Charlotte’s story will
come to a point in the present, but it reflects
retrospectively on a long history.
Charles’s story interacts with immediate
situational stressors and immediate sinful
responses. Charlotte wrestles with larger forces:
longstanding patterns of how she comes at
life; the fundamental discomfort of the human
condition; contradictions operative in herself,
in her experience of the church, and in relation
to non-Christians.
The change process in Charles was linear:
specifically sinned against, specific sinful
responses, specific promise and command of
God, transactions of repentance and faith…
and an anticipation of very specific behavioral
fruit. The changes you will see in Charlotte
are more atmospheric, and she bears rich and
complex fruit. We hear a particularly deep
intimacy in her relationship to God. She makes
one striking behavioral change. There are
certain transformations that might be termed
internal fruit: a subtle reorientation in how she
understands herself, her situation, her God; a
refinement in how her conscience functions; a
linguistic richness that captures the poetry of
experience, making her relationship with God
come to life for us.
Here are her words.
“I’ve returned a lot to Isaiah 51. It reminds
me that this world is not a ‘comfortable’ one,
and assures me that Christ is the only true
comfort (despite those things I try to fill in to
comfort me instead).
I, I am he who comforts you. Who are you
30
that you are afraid of man who dies, of the
son of man who is made like grass, and
have forgotten the LORD, your Maker,
who stretched out the heavens and laid
the foundations of the earth, and you fear
continually all the day…. I am the LORD
your God, who stirs up the sea so that
its waves roar—the LORD of hosts is his
name. I have put my words in your mouth
and covered you in the shadow of my hand,
establishing the heavens and laying the
foundations of the earth, and saying to Zion,
‘You are my people.’ (Isa 51:12–13, 15–16)
“This passage lends confidence to not be
afraid of what those around me are thinking
about me—freedom to live transparently. The
awareness that I am always forgetting about
God stings my cheeks. I’m an amnesiac to his
sovereignty and grace in the world and in my
life.”
“These verses so insanely juxtapose
and bind together the hugeness of Creator
God and the close intimacy of Christ. He
is incomprehensibly vast and powerful.
He stretched out the heavens and laid the
foundations of the earth; he stirs the roaring
waves; he is LORD of hosts; and, again—in case
I missed it the first time—he establishes the
heavens and lays the foundations of the earth.
In the exact same breath, he is wonderfully
intimate. ‘I, I am he who comforts.’ I can’t get
over that double-I. He made me; he puts his
very words in my mouth; his hand covers me;
he says, ‘You are my people.’
“Somehow life makes the MOST sense
in the middle of this tension and seeming
paradox of God’s identity. I feel it on the
deepest level of my relationship with God.
I am also comforted when I see how this
parallels other tensions, confusions and
contradictions both around me and within
me. God is not tidy, all black and white with
straight-lines, fitting into a box—and neither
am I—and knowing that is an affirmation
and a comfort!
“I was always intimidated by people and
their possible opinions of me. Last week in
a missions class, I had to hold my tongue
because I was dominating the conversation
for most of the 3 hour discussion. It’s all
coming out, after being hemmed in by fear
for all those years of awkward insecurity!”
My discussion will be briefer, as many
of the points made about Charles are also
applicable to Charlotte. For starters, savor this
story as a story. There is more to it than my
exploration can point out or capture. Notice
the variety of situational troubles on the table.
In the foreground: the potential disapproval of
others in every social situation. In the wider
context: this is an essentially uncomfortable
world; some unspecified sense of “tensions,
confusions and contradictions around me.”
From conversation, I learned that Charlotte is
alluding to brushing up against self-righteous
pettiness in an ecclesiastical conflict, and to her
encounter with theological dogmatism in hardedged people who seemed not to understand
God, or themselves, or others, or life. She is
also alluding to the sense of contradiction she
experiences when instances of hypocrisy and
inhumanity in Christian people are juxtaposed
with instances of honesty, care and humanity in
non-Christians.
Notice the complexity of Charlotte’s
inner, personal struggles. In the foreground:
Charlotte’s atmospheric fear of man, shyness,
social anxiety and withdrawal. In the
background: discouragement and confusion
in the face of both what is around her, and
her inner struggles. She feels out of step
with some of the comfortable verities of her
evangelical subculture. She also alludes to
the false comforts to which she turns as easy
substitutes for Christ: self-medicating through
food, exercise, friends and novels.
Notice the revelation of our Redeemer:
this most magnificent, most comforting God of
Isaiah 51. He tells her not to be afraid (the one
command), which Charlotte intuitively extends
to include its positive meanings: “Enter in. Get
involved. Care. Speak up.” Isaiah 51 gives her a
cascade of good reasons: the reproofs of 51:12
that sting her cheeks; the many wonders and
intimacies that comfort her “on the deepest
level.” Charlotte is a living demonstration of
how faith and works co-operate in response to
God’s vivid self-revelation.
As in the previous case study, the passage
Charlotte mentions—ported forward from a
very different redemptive-historical context,
and personalized—seems uniquely appropriate.
It is close enough for relevance. She reads and
appropriates this passage by peopling it with
her own experience and by enriching it with
echoes and allusions from the person and work
of Christ.
Finally, notice the dynamic of change.
God, the situation and the person triangulate
in a context that had always been anxietyproducing and intimidating. A new and living
reality emerges. A transformative engagement
occurs between strong Savior and needy child:
stinging cheeks at realizing her amnesia, the
experience of deep comfort. The behavioral
consequences are striking: new freedom to live
and speak transparently, a conscience newly
sensitized to the dangers of talking too much.
Her newfound voice is particularly significant.
Action registers that change is real.
Charlotte’s story also illustrates several
other features of cure of souls. First, change is a
lifelong process in which we witness thematic
continuities. In the classroom incident, God was
rescripting patterns that go back to childhood.
Sin is usually not new-hatched; righteousness
doesn’t fall like random fire from heaven. As you
get to know a person, you learn to see patterns
and themes in the interplay of existential and
situational factors, just as students of Scripture
learn to see patterns and themes in the Bible. It
helps a person to know that the Vinedresser is
pruning purposefully. It greatly helps all of us
to know that God typically works on something
specific, not everything at once.
Second, how is it that Charlotte and I view
her “speaking up” as a fruit of the Spirit? That
item is not on any list of fruits (though I think
it’s implicitly among the “things like these”
of Galatians 5:23). We know it is good fruit
because we understand her situational troubles
and personal struggles in the light of revelation.
Fear of man coached Charlotte to stay in the
background, to play it safe. In social groups, she
was virtually a non-participant, unable to bring
her thoughts to the point of joining in audibly.
She was self-preoccupied, not loving. She was
fearful, not free. As the fruit of repentance and
faith, the Spirit freed her to participate. He
loosens her tongue, because that is what love
and obedience now look like in Charlotte’s life.
Third, Charlotte’s ironic, humorous sensibility
of the need to hold her tongue captures other
features of the Christian life. It’s evidence that
her conscience is alive, sensitive, malleable. Such
bursts of intuitive wisdom are unquantifiable,
31
unscriptable, electrifying—and are one aspect of
ethical transformation into wisdom.
Fourth, needing to hold her tongue also
illustrates how the cure of any living soul calls for
continual course corrections. She finds her voice,
and immediately realizes that there are sins of the
tongue, and times when love quiets down and
listens. It’s a new lesson.
Fifth, in this ironic combination of learning
to speak up and needing to quiet down,
Charlotte is tasting the logic of Luther’s curious
exhortation, “Sin boldly!” Step out… and
always be open to course corrections. Don’t
forgiveness more often. She might sin “more,”
but she’s actually sinning less, and growing up
as a daughter of the King. She will always need
course corrections.
God Works with Us
“God meets you where you are.” That’s a
truism. But when you stop and ponder how
that happens and why it happens, it is nothing
less than light breaking into darkness. A sinsick, life-bruised soul revives and begins to live.
The Christian life is organically alive. We turn,
we trust, we obey, we grow—interacting with
The Christian life is organically alive. We turn, we trust,
we obey, we grow—interacting with what’s happening
around us, as the God of truth breaks in.
let scrupulosity paralyze action. God’s mercies
are reliably “new every morning.” Like a good
father, his compassion and hands-on parenting
continue through the ups and downs. The
Christian life typically lurches forward, rather
than marching in a straight line. The grace of
Christ means a person can live life without
paralyzing perfectionism and scrupulosity,
and can cheerfully expect frequent course
corrections. Charlotte has always held back in
social settings. Now that she’s beginning to
speak up, she’ll probably say things she regrets,
or may find herself talking too much. It’s safer
to hang in the background and nod agreeably
(cf., Pro 17:28 on the fool who keeps silent!).
It’s risky to mix it up. She’ll make mistakes,
even sinning verbally (James 3:2). Other people
won’t always agree with her if Charlotte doesn’t
seem to always agree with them. She’ll have to
learn to face and solve conflicts, rather than
always avoiding conflict. She’ll have to ask
32
what’s happening around us, as the God of
truth breaks in. He has gathered us to himself
in a lifelong holy experiment in redemption.
Charles and Charlotte teach us something of
that dynamic.
_______________________________________
1 Each is based primarily on one person’s written story,
slightly modified in three ways. First, identifying details
have been altered. Second, I have supplemented the
discussion with further knowledge gained in pastoral
conversations. Third, I have woven in some particulars
from other people whose experience was analogous,
thus creating a composite case.
2 “Close enough” relevance is analogical relevance. This
involves hermeneutical and ethical intricacies that are
far easier to illustrate than to state. See John Frame’s The
Doctrine of the Knowledge of God (Phillipsburg, NJ: P & R
Publishing, 1987) for a careful discussion.
3 Martin Luther, “Defense and Explanation of All the
Articles, 1521,” (vol. 32 of Luther’s Works, American
Edition, ed. Jaroslav Pelikan and Helmut T. Lehmann;
Philadelphia: Augsburg Fortress, 1958), 24.
C o u n s e lo r ’s To o l bo x
Evaluating a Person with
Suicidal Desires
by Aaron Sironi and Michael R. Emlet
If you have done much counseling, you
already know that you need to be prepared
to assess whether or not someone is suicidal.
Scripture tells us, and our experience confirms,
“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep
waters…” The very counsel in a person’s heart
is inaccessible, unfathomable, and possibly
dangerous (like deep waters). But God does not
leave us in fearful paralysis or ignorance with
one another, for “…one who has insight draws
them out” (Pro 20:5). An understanding and
wise person is skillfully able to draw out the
hidden thoughts and intentions of the heart.
Suicidal thoughts, desires, and motives often lie
concealed beneath the surface of what a person
is able and willing to verbalize. However, these
purposes are accessible as we grow in our
ability to speak with people in constructive
and intentional ways—and always with good,
saving purposes.
What is the basis for drawing out a troubled
person’s heart? We serve a gracious God who
deeply cares about the hidden intentions,
troubles, and cares of our hearts. He searches
and examines our souls as a token of his love
for us. Compassionately, he discerns our secret
___________________________________________
Aaron Sironi (M.S., L.C.P.C.) leads the CCEF affiliate office
in Montana and serves as adjunct faculty at CCEF.
Michael Emlet (M.Div., M.D.) counsels and teaches at
CCEF and directs CCEF’s School of Biblical Counseling. He
is the author of “Crosstalk: Where Life and Scripture Meet.”
thoughts and purposes. This is one way he
mercifully loves us. A Christian’s call, therefore,
is also to love others in this way.
This article will lay the groundwork for
how to do this in the very specific area of suicide
assessment. It will help you to determine where
a person who may be considering suicide fits
on a spectrum of suicidality, while guiding you
wisely and confidently to intervene in a crisis.
This article does not construct a theological
explanation of suicide, nor will it discuss
all the features of an ongoing counseling
relationship with someone who struggles with
suicidal desires. Although these are important
discussions, they are beyond the scope of this
article.
Overcome Your Own Hesitancies and
Confidently Inquire
Asking someone about suicidal thinking is
challenging because it is such a personal
question. It is a weighty matter: life and death.
Your own experience, feelings, and beliefs about
suicide come into play. Exploring the details of
someone’s specific plans for self-harm is not an
easy or comfortable conversation for either the
counselee or counselor. Counselees often feel
guilt and shame. They may not raise the issue
unless directly asked. Even when asked, they
may avoid implicating themselves. Further,
caring wisely for a person who intensely wants
to die stirs up your own thoughts, feelings, and
questions:
33
• Will I humiliate or offend my counselee by
raising this question?
• I’m not sure I have time to bring up this
issue right now.
• I get anxious just thinking about doing this
assessment.
• Will I ask the right questions? I’m not sure
I know what I’m looking for.
• If I ask the questions, will my counselee be
honest with me? And will I know what to
do with the answers?
These are natural fears and uncertainties. But
overcoming your own internal barriers to
assessment is a prerequisite for moving toward
signs (i.e., risk factors) in someone, it gives us
good reason to wonder if this person might be
struggling with a desire to die. Seeing these
signs should trigger an intuitive sense that will
lead to asking a few thoughtful questions. It
is like driving at dusk through a wooded area.
When you see a warning sign for deer crossing,
it does not mean you will see a deer. But what
it does mean is that there may be deer in these
woods. Keep your eyes open, slow down and
drive carefully. Suicide risk factors are the
warning signs that alert us to the possibility
that this person may be struggling with suicidal
desires.
It is a myth to think that asking someone about
suicidal thoughts will plant ideas of self-harm in that
person’s mind. Do not be afraid to ask.
this desperate person in wisdom and love.
it is a myth to think that asking someone
about suicidal thoughts will plant ideas of selfharm in that person’s mind. Do not be afraid to
ask. Not asking or not following up on a passing
suicidal comment is a greater danger. Invariably,
counselees who think suicidal thoughts are
grateful and relieved that the issue has been
raised. It gives a person permission to talk about
these feelings and desires. Because suicide
is a shameful and taboo subject, discussing it
directly invites a person to open up to you. So
put the clipboard down. Move out from behind
the desk. Eliminate all other distractions. The
counselor’s attentiveness and willingness to
speak frankly about suicide communicates
constructive kindness and courage. This may
be the first sign of hope for the counselee that
someone is willing and competent to help.
Recognize Risk Factors for Suicide
More than seventy-five risk factors have been
correlated to suicide. Counselors are often
tempted to try to gauge a person’s level of
danger based on the number of risk factors that
are present. But assessing a person’s lethality
is not a science. Not a single piece of research
can point to a certain blend of risk factors that
invariably predicts suicide. So why is it crucial to
be familiar with the most common risk factors?
Because when we see some of these warning
34
One way to learn and remember the most
common risk factors is to use acronyms. The
two that we think are the most useful are:
SAD PERSONS1 and NO HOPE.2 First we will
review the SAD PERSONS acronym.
Sex: 7 out of every 10 completed suicides are
male. Yet females attempt to kill themselves
three times as often. The methods men use
tend to be more lethal. Generally, a suicidal
man is more dangerous than a suicidal woman.
Age: Two age groups present the highest risk—
adolescents and elderly facing chronic illness.
Depression: Any serious psychiatric diagnosis
(e.g., depression, bipolar disorder, anorexia,
post-traumatic stress disorder, or a personality
disorder) increases concern.
Previous attempt: Once a person makes a
suicide attempt, the risk is much higher.
Ethanol (alcohol) or drug abuse: Almost half of
suicides involve substance abuse.
Rational thought loss: This describes someone
suffering from psychosis or delusional hyperreligiosity. Such persons may experience
command hallucinations from an outside
power (including Satan) that badger them to
kill themselves, or they may fixate on a passage
of Scripture regarding martyrdom or human
sacrifice. The loss of the ability to think clearly
due to delusions or hallucinations can remove
the final obstacle to a person committing
suicide.
Social supports lacking: This describes a
person who is isolated and has little supportive
community, or who has suffered a recent
interpersonal loss. Be cautious if you perceive
that this person lacks a sense of belonging
to others. Does this person have even a
few individuals who care and connect in a
meaningful way?
Organized plan: The degree of planning and
the lethality of the plan are the most significant
factors to assess. (We’ll address this later.)
No Spouse: Divorced, widowed, separated, or
single people are at higher risk. A deep sense
of being disconnected and isolated is correlated
with greater risk.
Sickness: The presence of a severe, chronic or
debilitating illness increases the risk.
The second acronym, NO HOPE, was
developed to add more depth to the SAD
PERSONS acronym.
No framework for meaning: A person
sees current suffering as meaningless and
unbearable, and is hopeless that it will ever
end or improve. Some researchers identify this
hopelessness as the common thread in lethal
suicide attempts.
Overt change in physical or emotional
condition: A sudden change in a medical
condition (e.g., head trauma, cancer, thyroid
irregularities) or mental status (e.g., a normally
calm person becomes increasingly agitated, or
a generally anxious person has an unexplained
calmness or sudden drop in anxiety) may be
associated with suicidal resolve.
Hostile interpersonal environment: This might
include the presence of destructive conflict,
abuse, or humiliation in an important area of
a person’s life, like at home, work, school or
church.
Out of hospital recently: This refers to a
recent discharge from a psychiatric hospital.
There are two main reasons for psychiatric
hospitalizations: serious suicidal intentions
and/or being unable to care for oneself because
of a loss of rational thought ability.
Predisposing personality factors: Emotionally
volatile individuals (e.g., those who would meet
diagnostic criteria for borderline personality,
histrionic personality, etc.) present a higher
risk.
Excuses or reasons for dying are present
and strongly believed: A person may feel
incompetent, ineffective and deficient. These
perceived inadequacies both affect others and
are seen by them. Not only does this person
have a deep perception of being a burden, but
starts to believe that others would be better off
if the person were no longer around. Here you
sense a twisted benevolence.
These two acronyms help the counselor
cue into the possibility that a person may be
struggling with a desire to die. It is important
to understand that a person may possess many
risk factors, but not be imminently dangerous.
Conversely, a person who has just a few risk
factors may be highly dangerous. With this said,
four risk factors require more attention than the
rest:
• a previous suicide attempt,
• rational thought loss (psychosis) that
indicates lethality,
• hopelessness (no framework for meaning),
and/or
• an organized plan.
Possibly the most crucial of these is the presence
of an organized plan to die. Danger lies in a
person’s concrete suicide plans. It’s here we
find the clearest indication of whether or not
a person is about to act on the desire to die.
Think of it this way: one man may spend time
fantasizing about a Hawaiian holiday. Another
man does extensive research online, has
sufficient funds in the bank, secures vacation
time from work, reserves a condo, and books the
flight. Which of these two people is more likely
to act on the desire for a Hawaiian getaway? In
the same way, a person who has concrete plans
to die is very dangerous. Planning a Hawaiian
vacation is rarely done in secret, but planning
suicide is almost always latent and hidden deep
in a person’s inner world. So how do we invite a
person to open this inner world to us?
Be thoughtful, calm and matter-of-fact
when starting the conversation. It may seem
awkward and uncomfortable for you because
you may not live with a nagging desire to die.
But to the person who does, having someone
sincerely and calmly open up the topic is a
blessing. You may be the first person to care
enough to ask. And your asking may be the
first hope that this person does not have to bear
these thoughts alone any longer.
The first question is always the most
difficult. Be careful not to communicate
35
fearfulness, judgment, self-righteousness or
irritation. If you do, the person may not trust
you enough to let you in. Likewise, do not
“spring” the suicide question on a person.
Instead, gently lead into this discussion as you
find natural entry gates. For example:
• “Sometimes when a person is feeling
sad and hopeless, he might think about
escaping or killing himself. Have you ever
had these thoughts and feelings?”
• “I know you have strong beliefs about
suicide, but with all that’s happened, I’m
wondering if you’ve had some desires to
kill yourself, even if they’re just fleeting?”
• “Some people who struggle with chronic
pain, day in and day out, feel so weary that
they start to long for an end. Have you ever
yearned for an end to your life or wished
that you were dead?”If the person answers
yes, you could follow up with,“So you long
for death. Have you had any thoughts,
even in passing, about killing yourself to
end that pain?”
Often people deny suicidal thoughts on the
first general inquiry. If a person denies thoughts
of suicide or answers with a vague “not really,”
try and enter through a side door by asking at
least one more specific question. Being ready to
ask the question in different ways will increase
the likelihood that you will help the counselee
become comfortable talking to you about this
difficult topic. Approaching a person with
a gentle assumption that there is a struggle
works against the taboo nature of suicide. Even
expressing mild surprise after a person denies
any suicidal feelings may give the person
yet another chance to open up these desires
without losing face.
Evaluate Degree of Suicidal Intention
Once a counselee has acknowledged suicidal
thoughts, the next goal is to assess the intensity
of suicidal thoughts (frequency and duration)
and the extent of planning through a series of
progressively probing questions. Here are two
rules of thumb:
• The longer, more frequent, and more
intense the thoughts of dying have been,
the more concerned you should be.
• The more concrete and thorough the
planning, the greater the danger.
Killing yourself is not easy. It takes much
36
forethought, inner wrestling and planning.
So you must evaluate how much time and
planning have been put into these thoughts.
Shawn Shea developed an engaging
and dependable approach to eliciting suicidal
ideation that is easy to learn and remember.
He calls his approach the Chronological
Assessment of Suicide Events (CASE).3 In the
CASE method, you explore four distinct time
periods in a person’s life that are important
to evaluating suicidality. Although we will
maintain his four time periods, we rearranged
the sequence to better suit a pastoral or
counseling office setting (though note that the
components of any assessment may vary based
on the unique circumstance).
1. Last 6-8 weeks: For many people,
suicidal desires wax and wane. Choosing
the last two months is strategic in capturing
enough time to see this movement. If you ask
for less, you may catch a person in the midst
of a “good week,” and miss the information you
are seeking. Start by assessing the intensity of
the suicidal feelings and thoughts. How often
and how much time does this person spend
thinking about dying? It’s a good habit to
aim high when you ask questions here. Ask
something like this:
• “Over the last six to eight weeks, how
much time would you say you’ve thought
about killing yourself? Every day? Every
other day?”
• “How much of the day would you say you
think about dying? All day? 90% of the
day? 50% of the day?”
Remember, the more prolonged, the more
recurrent, and the more acute the thoughts
of dying have been, the more concerned you
should be.
Next, inquire about this person’s specific
plans during the same time period. Start by
asking a general question like,“In the last six to
eight weeks, what are the ways you’ve thought
of to kill yourself? ”If the person denies a
detailed suicide plan, do not stop there. Ask
distinct questions about every method that
might be accessible. A good habit to form is to
follow a general denial of suicidal plans with
more specific questions. You might follow up an
outright denial with:
• “Have you ever thought about overdosing
on pills?”
• “What about hanging yourself?”
• “In the last two months, have you thought
about jumping off a bridge?”
• “Have you ever thought of shooting
yourself?”
Do not be surprised when a person
acknowledges suicidal ideas when you ask
precise questions, even after having denied
your initial inquiry; it is harder to deny a specific
question than a general one. When a person
confesses a specific method of suicide, the next
logical question is whether or not this person
has the resources and competency to do it. Let’s
say a man confesses that he has thought about
shooting himself. Some follow up questions
would be:
• “Do you own or have access to a gun?”
• “Have you ever shot it?”
• “Have you purchased ammunition?”
• “Have you ever taken the gun out and
placed the gun (loaded or unloaded) up to
your body or head?”
What are we doing here? We are assessing
this person’s resources, the know-how, and
how much groundwork this man has laid
to carry out the plan. Continue to search out
other suicidal means until you have exhausted
all reasonable methods. Bookend this inquiry
with another general question: “In the last two
months, what other ways have you thought of
to end your life?” Or, “Is there any other way
that I have missed?”
Remember, as you evaluate the last six to
eight weeks, you are seeking to understand the
frequency and intensity of these feelings, to
uncover every possible concrete method, and
to judge if this person has the know-how and
means to kill himself.
Think of this using a diving board
metaphor. For a child to go from learning to
swim to jumping off the high dive is a process
that takes time and repeated practice. Children
learn to swim, jump into a pool from the edge,
and then give the low diving board a try. After
they have safely and successfully conquered the
low dive, they start to consider the high dive.
Even then, it may take several harrowing trips
up and down the ladder before a child is ready
to walk the plank. Eventually, a child is able to
walk the length of the high diving board and
leap into the pool. In the same way, killing
oneself is usually a process that takes repeated
practice and exposure for a person to actually
complete it.
Keeping with this metaphor, learning to
swim and jumping in from the side of the pool
might be a person longing for a “way out” or an
escape from a particularly painful struggle. Here
you might sense a transient desire for death or
a disquiet yearning for heaven. Proceeding to
the low dive might be fantasizing about ending
life or playing a mental video of how to die.
Climbing the ladder to the high dive would
be researching, obtaining the means, and then
rehearsing a suicide plan. Walking out onto the
high diving board might be a dry run at suicide.
Jumping from the high dive would be an actual
suicide attempt. In assessing suicidal intensity
and the degree of suicidal planning, we are
trying to locate a person on the spectrum
from desiring to die to being ready and able to
commit suicide.
As you evaluate a person, you may discover
that this person has actually attempted suicide
or has aborted an attempt at the last moment in
the last two months. If this is the case, the task
before you is to assess the seriousness of the
attempt or suicidal gesture.
2. Recent suicide attempt: The best way
to gauge the seriousness of a suicide attempt is
to enter a person’s world at the time it occurred.
Ask your counselee to describe the most recent
suicidal attempt from beginning to end without
leaving out a single detail. Get the play-by-play
unfolding (verbal video tape) of the person’s
experience. Here are some questions:
• “Pretend I am watching a tape of the night
you attempted suicide. What would I see
and hear, from beginning to end?”
• “Pretend I am inside your head that night.
I really want to know what you were
thinking and feeling at every step.”
• “What led up to this incident?”
• “What happened next? Walk me through
yesterday step by step.”
• “When you say you got angry at your wife,
what exactly did you do?”
• “How many pills did you stockpile?... Did
you put the 15 pills in your mouth?”
• “Where did you make the cut on your
body?... Did it require stitches?... May I see
the scar?”
Encourage the person to go slowly and not
leave out a single detail. Asking precise
37
questions often gains access to a person’s inner
conflict, ambivalence and rationalization. Your
aim is to gauge the seriousness of the suicide
attempt while looking for reasons the person
chooses to remain alive. In other words, did
this person really want to die? Are there any
bottom-line reasons to stay alive? It is crucial to
uncover why the suicide attempt failed or was
interrupted and how the person feels about
this. Ask questions like:
• “Why didn’t you pull the trigger?”
• “Why did you spit out the pills?”
• “What kept you from using the razor
blade?”
• “How were you found, and who found
you?”
• “Did you hint to anyone before you locked
yourself in the bedroom?”
• “How do you feel about the fact that you’re
still alive?”
Throughout this process, there should be one
single question running in the back of your
mind: “What are this person’s reasons to live?”
This is important. A person can have several
risk factors and even desire death. But if this
person has meaningful reasons to live, suicide
is less likely. These might include concern for
loved ones, belief that suicide is sin and is not
an option for Christians, fear of actually doing
it, or a faint hope that things will improve.
When you uncover the things that moor a
person to life, do not miss the opportunity
to affirm these. This does not mean a person
will not develop an overriding justification in
the future for proceeding to suicide, but the
presence of current risk mitigators is a good
sign that suicide risk may not be imminent.
Keep in mind you are balancing many factors,
and ongoing assessment is essential.
After you have evaluated a person’s recent
(last six to eight weeks) struggle with suicidal
desires (frequency and intensity) and the most
recent plan or attempt, now it is time to place
this current struggle in a broader context.
3. Previous history of serious suicide
attempts: A person’s past history of suicide
attempts and ideation will contextualize the
present struggle. Here you assess the number
of times a person has been suicidal and identify
the most serious attempts before two months
ago. What are the similarities and differences
between past attempts and this present
38
attempt? Unfortunately, practice can be lethal.
If a person has a long history of multiple
suicide attempts, it could indicate a pattern of
manipulation, or it could indicate an exhaustion
of hope. Be sure not to spend too much time in
this category and avoid getting bogged down
with distant details. Here are some possible
questions:
• “Before two months ago, what was the
most serious attempt to kill yourself?”
• “How many times would you say that
you’ve tried to kill yourself?”
• “Has there ever been a season in your life
when a part of you wanted to die?”
• “Have you ever done something—taking a
few pills, let’s say—thinking maybe that it
would hurt or kill you…or something like
that?”
Getting a more distant history helps you to
assess if a person is practiced, chronically
despairing and hopeless, or has begun to use
suicidal actions as a way to communicate to
others. If a person downplays a recent incident
but has a history of a serious suicide attempt,
be skeptical and aware that this person may be
minimizing the seriousness of this last attempt.
Remember, practice is deadly. Be very cautious
if a person has a history of suicide attempts that
mirror a recent attempt. If a person denies any
past history of suicidal attempts, make sure and
ask a second or third question (try the side door
by asking about specific ways this person may
have considered). After you understand how
the person’s history of suicidal attempts impacts
recent suicidal desires, finish by assessing the
present. This may be the most important time
period for predicting a person’s level of danger.
4. Right now and the immediate future:
As you speak with your counselee in your
office, what is this person’s current intent to
die? Directly ask, “Right now are you having
thoughts or feelings of killing yourself?” If the
person denies suicidal thoughts ask,“What will
happen when you return home and tomorrow
night you start to think about killing yourself?”
You will derive important information about
a person’s commitment to safety (or lack
thereof) with these “right now” and “tomorrow”
questions. At the same time, it gives you a good
opportunity to talk about what to do if and
when the suicidal feelings return.
One final tool is to ask the person to make
a safety contract with you. This acts as one
closing cue of where a counselee is at. When
you ask a person to do this, the response
(both verbal and nonverbal) may be the final
assurance you need to make a wise decision for
this person’s care. With good eye contact and
a solid handshake ask: “Will you contract with
me that you absolutely will talk to me or to an
elder in your church (for example) before you
do anything to hurt yourself? And if you can’t
reach us, will you tell your spouse and call the
crisis hotline before doing anything to harm
yourself?” Or, “Will you agree not to harm
yourself until we meet again in two days?”
to develop a safety plan.
Make a Safety Plan with the Person
“I will seek out my sheep, and I will rescue
them from all places where they have been
scattered on a day of clouds and thick darkness”
(Ezek 34:12). Our God pursues and rescues
wayward people in danger. Our call is to
embody this love to hurting people. Therefore,
to the extent we are able, we work to ensure
that the suicidal person remains safe. So, after
evaluating a person’s risk factors and level of
suicidal thinking/behavior, it is time to make a
safety plan.
Our God pursues and rescues wayward people in
danger. Our call is to embody this love to hurting people.
Communicate to this person that you take this
very seriously. If the person becomes gamy,
hesitates, avoids eye contact, or shows signs
of ambivalence or discomfort, your work is not
done. Find out why it is hard for this person to
commit to safety.
No research has shown a safety contract
to be a deterrent for suicide. But it can be an
excellent tool to assess danger. Remember that
your exploration of the past 6-8 weeks may
uncover information that still makes protective
hospitalization wise, even if the person denies
suicidal thinking at this moment (e.g., if you’ve
assessed that the person has assembled the
means to commit suicide and you are worried
that a resurgence of suicidal thinking may
be unbearable). If the person had frequent
suicidal thinking and planning over the last 6-8
weeks, but denies it in the present, you need
to understand the reasons for the change. Why
has the perspective changed? Has this person
truly descended the high dive ladder? Or is this
person so committed to dying that the denials
are lies to throw you off? Further questioning
will help sort this out.
In summary, the CASE approach to
evaluating suicidality looks at four time periods:
(1) the last 6-8 weeks, (2) the most recent
suicide attempt, (3) previous history of serious
suicide attempts (prior to two months ago), and
(4) right now and into the immediate future. If
you have faithfully and adequately assessed
each of these with a person, you are now ready
Ask God to help you make wise decisions
that protect your counselee’s life. A suicidal
person starkly reminds you of your desperate
need for God’s power and wisdom in the
moment. Although we have stressed particular
tools and approaches to equip you to assess
someone for suicidality, this planning requires
wisdom and direction from the Spirit. So call
out to him. A spiritual battle is in progress. Your
temptation will be either to over-react or underreact. Only God has the power ultimately to
prevent someone’s suicide, but there are several
practical steps you can take to help:
1. Start by answering this question: is the
counselee imminently suicidal? In other words,
in light of risk factors, current or recent level of
suicidal thinking, extent of planning, presence/
absence of risk mitigators, and willingness/
unwillingness to contract for safety, do you
believe the person is in danger? Do you think
the person will remain at high risk for suicide
after leaving your presence? If yes, an evaluation
for hospitalization is necessary. If the person is
willing, go together to the nearest emergency
room—have a friend, spouse, or other person
drive you both there. A voluntary admission to
the hospital is the best scenario for all involved
when you believe that the counselee is not
safe. If, however, the person is unwilling to go
for such an evaluation, you will have to call
911 to transport the counselee involuntarily.
You cannot provide 24-7 care for someone
39
who seems determined to die, nor should
that responsibility fall exclusively to family
and friends. On rare occasions you will need
to proceed, with the involvement of hospital
personnel, to an involuntary admission for a
counselee whom you judge to be persistently
unstable.
While it is true that hospitalization will
not provide your counselee with a biblical
framework, it does provide time to stabilize the
person emotionally and ensure safety. You will
continue the hard work of bringing the gospel
to bear during and following hospitalization.
Your goal in this moment is to preserve life
has no plan, and can articulate multiple reasons
to stay alive. If loved ones do not know about
the presence of suicidal thinking, have the
counselee call a spouse and/or good friend
while in your office to share about the struggle.
Often, sharing this emotional burden with
others is helpful in itself to diminish active
thoughts of suicide. It also alerts loved ones
to be more vigilant in their interactions with
the person. If the counselee is reluctant to tell
anyone else it may be a marker of greater risk.
Engage in further assessment and discussion to
ensure safety.
At the end of the assessment, if you remain
Bring other family members and friends into the process
to create a safety net of relationships
so that you can have those discussions in the
future.
2. Consult confidentially with a trusted
and more experienced counselor, supervisor
or pastor. This is especially important if you
believe hospitalization is necessary, or if you
are considering sending a higher risk (but not
imminently suicidal) person home. Do this
before the person leaves your office or home.
Although it may feel awkward to excuse
yourself for this conversation it ensures a
plurality of wisdom (Pro 15:22; 24:6). You may
say to your counselee, “I am concerned for your
safety and in situations like this I always seek
the input of another experienced counselor.
Would you excuse me for a few minutes while
I speak with _____ and then I’ll be back to talk
further with you?” This may be unnecessary
with a lower risk person with fleeting suicidal
thoughts, but, a higher risk person should not
leave your presence until you have discussed
the case and your plan with another counselor,
pastor, or supervisor.
3. Bring other family members and
friends into the process to create a safety net
of relationships. This is critical even if you
judge the person to be at lower risk for suicide.
Often, family and friends are already aware of
the problem, and their active involvement and
support is essential. Make certain someone will
be with the person over the next several days.
This constant presence may not be necessary
if someone has only fleeting suicidal thoughts,
40
concerned about the danger the person is in,
this trumps concern for confidentiality. You are
balancing a concern for safety with a concern for
honoring the private nature of your relationship
with the counselee. A concern that suicide may
be imminent takes priority, although you never
take the breach of confidentiality lightly.
4. Remove the means of committing
suicide to make it more difficult to execute
a suicide plan. Such actions might include
removing firearms, locking up medications
(including non-prescription drugs such as
acetaminophen), having all medications
monitored and dispensed by a spouse or parent,
or taking away car keys. Ideally these actions
are done in cooperation with the counselee.
Reluctance may prompt a series of further
questions to judge the current level of suicidal
thinking and planning. Of course, you cannot
eliminate all danger around a person, but
removing access to available lethal objects and
substances can be a matter of life and death.
5. If you believe this person to be at
lower risk for suicide, and therefore not
needing hospitalization, secure involvement
of family, friends, and church leaders and set
up a safety contract as previously described.
Also, brainstorm actions to take, in addition
to contacting you, should intense suicidal
thinking and planning occur in future days.
The idea is to build as many practical barriers
to suicidal behavior as possible. These actions
might include prayer, listening to favorite music
or hymns, going for a walk, reading certain
Scripture passages, calling additional friends,
writing in a journal, etc. As noted above, run
your plans by a colleague prior to the counselee
leaving your office.
6. Make plans for a follow up visit or
phone call within a day or two. Realize that
ongoing assessment for suicidal thinking/
behavior is important as you seek to bring a
biblical framework to bear upon this person’s
life struggles. In future weeks, it may be helpful
to ask, “On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being ‘I’m
determined to end my life right now,’ what
is the highest you’ve been since we’ve met?
Where are you today?” This does not preclude
the need for additional assessment as outlined
in this article, but it does give you a basic feel
for how the counselee has been doing.
7. Here is the bottom line: you should not
let the person leave unless you are convinced
that suicide is not imminent and that your
safety plan has addressed what to do if suicidal
thinking becomes worse in the near future.
Be Faithful and Trust: A Final Word
It is common to feel apprehensive while caring
for a suicidal counselee, even when you have
taken the proper steps of assessment. You may
have a nagging sense that you need to do more.
But if you have been faithful in your evaluation
and care, rest in the truth that this person is in
God’s hands.“Many are the plans in a person’s
heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails”
(Pro 19:21).
Suicide assessment is a learned skill, but
a necessary one for the biblical counselor or
pastor. We trust that this article has further
equipped you in the methods of suicide
assessment, knowing that we carry out such
assessments depending upon our Father’s
wisdom, mercy, and power—for ourselves and
for our counselees.
_______________________________________
1 J. Bird, H.H. Dohn, G. Patterson, W.M. Patterson,
“Evaluation of Suicidal Patients: The SAD PERSONS
Scale,” Psychosomatics 24: 4 (1983): 343-349.
2 S.C.Shea, Psychiatric Interviewing: The Art of
Understanding, 2nd Edition (Philadelphia: W. B.
Saunders Company, 1998), 463
3 S.C.Shea, The Practical Art of Suicide Assessment: A
Guide for Mental Health Professionals and Substance
Abuse Counselors (Hoboken: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.,
2002), 152.
41
C ouns e lo r ’s To o lb o x
What to Say to a
Teenager in Crisis
by Paul David Tripp
If you live with teenagers or soon-to-be
teenagers it’s easy to think that they’re from
another planet. The way they dress, the music
they like, the words they use, and the friends
they hang out with are very different from
you. Your world seems so far from theirs.
What can you say that will help them when
they hit a rough patch? Is it possible for you
to communicate effectively when someone so
unlike you is in a crisis?
Yes, it is.
What You Need to Know
First, communication is possible. Effective
communication with your teenager begins
when you look past the surface differences and
see that your teenager is more like you than you
might think. Your teen isn’t an alien. Your teen
is becoming a reflective human being (just like
you). This presents you with an unprecedented
opportunity to be used by God in your child’s
life. There are two reasons for this:
• Your teen is now capable of sophisticated
thought and self-reflection. Your son or
daughter is becoming mature enough to
discuss issues and recognize things in a
___________________________________________
Paul David Tripp (M.Div., D.Min.) is president of Paul
Tripp Ministries (www.paultrippministries.org) and
Executive Director of the Center for Pastoral Life and
Care in Fort Worth, Texas. He has authored many books
on Christian living, including “Age of Opportunity: A
Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens.”
42
way that was not possible a couple of years
ago.
• As your child makes more independent
decisions, this will reveal issues of the
heart (loves, desires, and wants) and create
openings for conversation.
So look past the surface issues and use these
openings; communication is possible.
Second, your teen’s “trouble” is your
opportunity. The revelation of your teenager’s
heart through words, actions, and decisions is
what makes the teen years the best of times and
(sometimes) the worst of times. It’s the best of
times because you have many opportunities to
talk about what really matters. It’s the worst of
times because you will have to accept the reality
of your teen’s true heart condition. You might
know from reading the Bible that everyone’s heart
is “deceitful above all things, and desperately
wicked” (Jer 17:9). But it’s hard to see this on
display in your own dear child. It’s not always
easy to accept that your teenager’s actions are
controlled by the heart and not by hormones,
circumstances, or pressure from friends.
This is a time of wonderful opportunity, but
the opportunity is in the trouble. If you want
trouble-free teen years, you will have a hard
time appreciating the opportunity God has given
you. But when you remember that God is using
trouble to reveal important things about your
teen’s heart, then you will see these times as Godgiven moments of ministry.
In one sense this makes your parenting job
so much bigger. Instead of just trying to keep
your child problem-free, you are looking for
personal transformation at the deepest level.
But when you remember that only God can
change a human heart and you are only his
instrument, then your parenting task becomes
much smaller. You are called to be faithful; only
God can do the work of change.
Third, your words are shaped by your heart.
What does this have to do with talking to your
teen? Everything! The Bible says that all of us
speak out of our hearts. Our thoughts and
desires shape the words we say. Have you ever
What You Need to Do
First, do not personalize what is not personal.
Our natural tendency is to make our teenager’s
misbehavior more about us than it really is.
When we do this we say things like, “I can’t
believe you would do this to me!” or “Do you
have any idea what my day was like?” These
statements make you the central issue instead
of your child’s need for a changed heart and
a deeper, more honest relationship with God.
Here are some things that happen when you
take your teenager’s actions personally:
• You will often turn a moment of ministry into
a moment of anger. When you feel personally
When you have God’s perspective on your teen’s life,
then your words will be used by God to bring hope
and change to your teenager.
apologized after a moment of anger by saying,
“I didn’t mean to say that.”? That wasn’t exactly
true was it? Those words started as thoughts
in your heart, and that’s why they came out of
your mouth. God tells us in the Bible that all of
our words and actions start in our hearts (Matt
12:34; 15:18; Luke 6:45).
Your words are shaped by what you want
for yourself and for your teenager. Useful and
productive conversations with your teen are only
possible when your heart is in the right place.
Your teenager will mess up your schedule…
will try your patience…will challenge your
authority...will make unwise decisions…will
embarrass you…will struggle with living for the
approval of friends…will cause you to get up
earlier and stay up later than you want to… and
will think up trouble that isn’t even on this list.
But here is the important point: your words in
all of these situations will be shaped by the true
condition of your heart. When you have God’s
perspective on your teen’s life, then your words
will be used by God to bring hope and change
to your teenager. But when your heart is focused
on yourself and on your desires and fears, then
your words will bring discouragement and
tension. If you are living for control, your words
will be angry and fearful. If you are aiming to
influence your teen toward what is good, your
words will be constructive.
offended, your words will be shaped by irritation
and anger. You will say things like, “You don’t
want to even think about what will happen if
you ever do this again!” or “Do you wake up
every morning and think about new ways to
drive me crazy?” These words are not the wise
and carefully crafted words of someone who
desires to be a part of the ministry of change
that God has lovingly planned for this moment
in your teen’s life. They only express your anger
and your frustration.
• Because you have turned a moment of
ministry into a moment of anger, you will be
adversarial in your response. Your words will
communicate, “It’s me against you!” Since you
have not dealt with your heart, your teenager is,
at that moment, your enemy. Because your child
is standing in the way of what you want (peace,
comfort, control, etc.), you will say things like,
“You don’t want to push me!” or “Do you want
to take me on? I wouldn’t try it if I were you!”
• You will be tempted to look for a quick solution
that doesn’t get to the heart of the problem. It’s
much easier to yell and throw a punishment
at your teenager than to take the time to find
out what is going on in your teen’s heart and
relationship with God.
How helpful is it to relate like this to your
teenager? As you are angrily lecturing, do
you think your child is thinking, “Wow, this is
great; I am seeing myself more clearly than I
43
ever have. Now I know I need to change, and
I am so thankful for the way my mom and dad
are helping me.”? No, when your words are
shaped by your anger and irritation, you are
not part of what God is doing in your teenager.
You’re in the way of it. Your anger will provoke
your teen to the very things you would like to
see changed.
Second, start with your heart. If you want
God to use you in your teenager’s life, you have
to be willing to examine your own heart. Your
teenager is not the only sinner in your home.
Like your teenager, the tendency of your heart is
toward self-centeredness, deceit and wickedness
and organizes life. Don’t just say, “This is what
I think,” or “Do it because I said so.” Instead, tell
your teenager what the Bible says about the
issue at hand. Each circumstance your child faces
provides an opportunity to demonstrate how the
Bible makes sense out of all of life (2 Tim 3:16–17).
• Be willing to share your own struggle. Don’t
minimize your own struggle with sin. Share
with your teenager how knowing Jesus has
helped you in your struggle with sin. (Paul
modeled this in Romans 7:14–25.) Don’t let
your words convey to your teenager that you
have arrived spiritually. Let your child see that
although your outward sins might be different,
If you want God to use you in your teenager’s life, you
have to be willing to examine your own heart.
(Jer 17:9). The only cure for your self-centeredness
is daily repentance for sins and daily dependence
on Jesus’ death and resurrection for forgiveness
and the power to change.“If we say we have no
sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in
us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just
to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all
unrighteousness”(1 John 1:8–9).
As you learn to live a repentant and Goddependent life, you won’t see your teenager’s
bad behavior only as an inconvenience or an
embarrassment, but as an opportunity. That
doesn’t mean it will be easy to see your child
make bad choices, but it does mean that God will
be able to use you as an instrument of change in
your teenager’s life.
Third, speak wise words. “The tongue of the
wise brings healing” (Pro 12:18). How can your
words and attitude do your teenager some good?
Here are some principles to keep in mind as you
speak with your child:
• Stay calm. There is a God. He is in control. All
he does is good (Rom 8:28–39). Remind yourself
of these truths and then take a moment to pray,
to listen, to get all the facts, and to ask good
questions.
• Keep the conversation going. Sometimes your
teenager will share just a little bit of what is going
on inside. It is up to you to continue to pursue
your teenager with expressions of concern,
commitments to prayer, and simple questions
(not interrogation!).
• Demonstrate how the Bible interprets, explains,
44
they are just as wrong in God’s eyes. Your need
for Jesus is just as deep.
• Keep Jesus and his work central. The most
important relationship in your teenager’s life is
not with you. Relationship with Jesus is most
important. Be alert for opportunities to point
to the forgiveness, deliverance, and power that
are only found in him.
• Words of mercy and grace must be said with
mercy and grace. Times of correction must
not be times when a loud voice, pointed
finger, inflammatory words, and stomping
off in parental disgust are the norm. If you
fail to speak the truth in love (Eph 4:15) it
will cease to be the truth, as the purity of its
content becomes corrupted by your frustration,
impatience, and anger.
There is no script for talking to a teenager.
Each teen and each situation is unique. As
parents we need to humbly ask Jesus for the
wise, kind, helpful, patient, useful, heartchanging words that come from a heart that his
Spirit is making wise, kind, and patient. When
Jesus is at work in our hearts, our words will be
appropriate and productive, even in the most
difficult situations.
Fourth, take the time it takes. You might
be saying to yourself: “What you’re describing
sounds like it takes a lot of time. What if we are
just too busy?”
It’s a mistake to try to squeeze a one
hundred dollar conversation into a ten cent
moment. Don’t try to have that serious
conversation just before your teen runs out the
door or goes to bed. If you know you need to
have a long and potentially difficult discussion,
schedule a time to have it. This protects you
from dealing with an issue in the heat of the
moment. It lets you take the time to clear your
mind and settle your emotions. It protects your
teenager, because you are creating a setting in
which you will be better able to work through
emotions and hear what each other has to say.
Honest and constructive communication
does take time. But communicating with your
child should be so important that you are willing
to rearrange your schedule and priorities. Think
about how you are spending your time now, and
evaluate your schedule according to the eternal
significance that each activity has. Remember
that working at building a relationship with
your children and pointing them toward Christ
is investing your time in something that will
last forever.
Fifth, learn how to handle the times you fail.
When you try to have a good conversation, your
child might make some remark or comment
that really angers you. Be prepared.
One of the sweetest things Jesus did for us
on the cross was to break the power of sin over
us. This means we don’t have to go wherever
our emotions and desires lead us. We can, in
fact, say“no”to powerful passions (a motivating
emotion) and powerful cravings (agendasetting desires) and go in another direction
(Titus 2:11–13). As God’s child you must decide
to exercise this power. How can you do this?
• Prepare yourself by admitting your need
to God. Pray for the help that only he can
give you.
• Think carefully and clearly about what you
need to communicate and how you should
say it.
• Identify where you might get trapped.
What does your child do or say that gets
you angry or irritated?
• Have an anger strategy. Decide what you
will do when you start to lose it. Will you
stop and suggest that you pray together?
Will you excuse yourself and leave the room
until you have regained your composure?
Will you confess your struggle to your teen
and ask for help so that together you can
avoid the traps?
• Believe God’s promise that even in a
moment of raging emotion and powerful
desire you can say “no” and go in another
direction. Let your belief in God’s promises
set the agenda for your communication
with your teenager rather than what your
teenager says and does. Then watch the
good things God does as you depend on
him for help.
*
*
*
What can you say to a teenager in crisis? If you
see your teen’s trouble as an opportunity for
you to offer godly care to someone struggling
to mature, you will find many things to say.
Fight your natural tendency to make your
child’s misbehavior a personal affront to you.
Instead, start with your own heart before
God. Ask him to help you to see these crises
as opportunities—opportunities to share your
own story of struggle and faith, and to invite
your teen to follow Jesus too.
45
Lives in Process:
An Introduction
Each of us is a work-in-progress. Biblical counseling
exists because God uses people to help people,
comforting the disturbed and disturbing the
comfortable. Biblical counseling exists because
none of us changes all at once, in the twinkling
of an eye. When we see Jesus face to face, then
we will be fully like him. Until that day, the
story is not yet complete. This section of JBC
seeks to capture snapshots of the struggles
and the change process as it is happening. The
stories are framed by and infused with biblical
truth—not just the theory, but the rough and
tumble, the fits and starts of an unfolding
personal story.
These stories come from students in
CCEF’s Dynamics of Biblical Change class
taught by David Powlison. We are calling this
section “Lives in Process.” These stories are
the fruit of an assignment in which students
choose an issue to address in their lives. The
entry point might be a personal problem—
from a minor bad habit to a significant pattern
of temptation and sin. Or the entry point might
be some hardship, trouble or trial that a person
is facing. In either case, students spent 4–6
weeks working on the issues and journaling
the process. They explored the details of their
situation and their responses. They probed
motives. They engaged the Word of God and
the God of the Word. They sought help, counsel
and prayer from friends and family. They
46
recorded their thoughts, actions and feelings,
their hopes and fears, their successes and
failures, as they learned first-hand about the
dynamics of biblical change.
This ‘self-counseling’ project forms a key
part of counselor training. We become able to
help others effectively as we understand how
we are alike (amid all our differences of detail)
and how God meets us.
No temptation has overtaken you that is
not common to man. God is faithful, and
he will not let you be tempted beyond your
ability, but with the temptation he will also
provide the way of escape, that you may be
able to endure it. (1 Cor 10:13)
The God and Father of our Lord Jesus
Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all
comfort,… comforts us in all our affliction,
so that we may be able to comfort those
who are in any affliction, with the comfort
with which we ourselves are comforted by
God. (2 Cor 1:3–4)
We trust that you will benefit in reading these
“lives in process”and believe that the Spirit will
use this testimony—for stories bear witness, not
to theory, but to what has actually happened, to
“things that Jesus did” (John 21:25).
For this issue, we have two offerings. Both
articles are anonymous; names and identifying
details have been changed.
L i ve s in Pro c e s s
My Virtual Refuge
Anonymous
“What was that they told you at work?” I asked,
without looking up from the screen. As my wife
repeated what she had just said, I looked toward
her, but quickly turned back to finish the article
I was reading online. My wife called, “Ready for
dinner?” After a short pause, I looked up again to
see her at the dinner table, head bowed, and ready to
pray for the meal. As I walked to the dinner table, I
suddenly realized how hungry I was and how good
the food smelled. How come I had not smelled it
earlier?
This is a typical example of what happens
when I get absorbed reading articles on the
internet. I lose track of time, half-listen to what
is being said to me, and even forget that I’m
hungry. When a major event happens, I look
forward to reading about it online. Even the
fact that I have been in front of the computer all
day at work does not stop me from hurrying to
the computer when I arrive home. “The Phillies
made a trade? A speech by the President? I’ll
read about it tonight.”And I do. After a long day
at work, my evening hours fly by as I read online.
Hours and hours disappear.
By God’s grace, I began to realize that
there was a problem with this pattern. The Lord
showed this to me after a weekend at my parents’
house. It was one of the best visits we have had
together. I hiked one day with my father, and I
bought him lunch for the first time. On another
day I spent time with my mother at her job as
a school librarian. There I had the chance to
observe a rewarding job I had previously only
heard her describe.
Despite the encouraging things that
happened on our trip, I came home stressed out
(although I didn’t realize that I was at first). At
home again, I engaged in a familiar pattern. Each
evening of the week following the trip, I stayed
on the computer for hours to “catch up on the
news.” After a few days, I began to suspect that
all of these hours online were related to my trip
home. Was I still just “unwinding a bit,” or was
all this a sign of something deeper going on? I
realized then that I did feel stressed out about
my family. For as long as I could remember, I felt
that my role was to be the peacemaker: I was
the one who everyone could trust. I was the one
who knew just what to say to smooth over an
argument and bring us all back together. Had I
done my job while I was home? Had I fixed my
family’s problems during the visit? No. Might
they still hurt each other while I was away? Yes.
From 1,000 miles away, I probably could not be
the peacemaker. Had I done something wrong
by moving away from them? Would I ever be
able to make everything right?
Next, I looked down at my hand on the
computer mouse. What was I doing? Maybe
those late nights on the computer had something
to do with all of this. As I began to connect the
dots, I started to realize what I had been doing. I
was dealing with my stress by distracting myself.
And to cope with this unhappy discovery, I
47
turned back to the computer! I read about
politics, baseball, basketball—anything to avoid
thinking about what was really bothering me.
I did not want to hurt. The computer offered
me a way to escape from my worries. But its
numbing effect only lasted so long. My anxieties
were piling up: worries about the impact of
moving so far away from home, worries about
not saying the right thing to help my family,
and then there were the immediate worries…
the unfinished paper I had promised my boss
weeks ago, and now the new worry about all this
time I was spending on the computer. I‘m not
adequate for this, Lord! As my thoughts turned to
sense of my own heart. As I read and thought
about my worries, the topic of trust came up
repeatedly. I saw myself as one of the unwilling
people in Isaiah 30:15: “For thus says the LORD
God, the Holy One of Israel, ‘In returning and
rest you shall be saved, in quietness and in trust
shall be your strength. But you were unwilling.’”
Saved through resting? Strengthened through
trusting? A far different picture from “in
distraction you can hide from what hurts,” or “in
yourself you can trust.”
I realized how much I need a Savior in
the face of worries and in the face of my own
pride. I knew before that aspects of life made me
Those extended computer sessions were a warning signal
indicating that something was troubling me, but I could
not and did not want to admit it. The heart is deceitful.
God, I began to realize that these fears revealed
something about my relationship with him. I
feared that God would not fix these problems
that I saw in my family, in my work, and now in
myself. Would he be there when I needed him?
I doubted it, so I alternated between worry and
taking shelter in a false, electronic refuge.
As I quietly started to pray, God began to
show me that my problem was bigger than my
misuse of time. I also had a problem with pride. I
had an exaggerated sense of how I should impact
my family. I thought I was The Peacemaker—and
their problems could be solved if I just said the
right words. I lived as if I was the only one who
could do it! This was starting to sound serious.
Not only was I seeking emotional sanctuary in
cyberspace, I was trying to be my family’s refuge,
instead of turning to the One who is our true
source of help. Yet my attempts to masquerade
as Jesus did not work, and the burden I put on
myself made me want to escape the stress by
going online. John the Baptist’s words came to
mind: “I am not the Christ. He must increase,
I must decrease.” Even John, the great prophet
of God, knew he was not the Savior. How much
more did I need to depend on Jesus as my
refuge? And wasn’t Christ the real peacemaker
who promised:“Peace I leave with you, my peace
I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to
you” (John 14:27)?
I turned to the Bible to try to make more
48
anxious, but I had not realized just how much
subtle anxiety plagued me, or that the time I
spent reading on the computer was my way of
coping. Those extended computer sessions were
a warning signal indicating that something was
troubling me, but I could not and did not want to
admit it. The heart is deceitful.
It became clear that only an abiding trust
in the Lord could remedy my tendencies to be
fearful and prideful. But what does it mean to
live life trusting? First, I can pray. When I find
myself in that silent, separate world of reading
the news, I can stop, turn off the computer, and
ask for help. I rarely pray out loud on my own,
but after the trip to my parents, I knew that
needed to change. I had recently heard a sermon
on Psalm 77 that emphasized how the psalm
begins:“I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he
will hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the
Lord.”That night I turned off the computer, went
to my room, and cried out to God, thanking him
for his faithful love and promise to carry my
anxieties.
A second way I began to live a life of trust
was by talking to brothers and sisters in Christ.
It amazed me just how much bringing worries
into the light helped me both to trust God and to
see how God is at work. Instead of pretending
the problems are gone by escaping online, I can
talk them over. I began to speak openly about
the patterns that played out time and time
again. God used conversations with my wife, my
parents, and brothers and sisters in the church to
let me see the depth of my own pride, and how
I have sought refuge away from God. And God
showed me the wonderful ways he has been
at work in my family, ways that I could not see
when I tried to carry our burdens on my own
shoulders.
More than a year has passed since I first
recognized this problem. I have been given the
humbling and true blessing of learning that I
have sought a false refuge. I have confessed
this sin and believed that there is a true refuge,
and I now seek God sooner. But I still struggle.
Even when there are little worries, I often forget
to turn my anxiety over to God. Instead, many
days I have gone back to “reading the news” as
a form of escape—only to later realize what I
have done. When confronted with it, I often let
myself off the hook:“I am tired and it was a long
day. Why do I have to work on changing now?”
But even this temptation can be an opportunity
to pray to the One who helps me: “Lord, please
give me the courage to trust you alone and not
look for refuge elsewhere.” When the time came to visit my family
again, my wife and I both prayed about the
trip, my family and my worries. That was both
enormously helpful and an indication that the
Lord had done a work in me. Now, if I find
myself turning to the computer (or anything
else) to hide from what hurts at work, at home,
or anywhere else, I ask God to help me be more
aware that I need to depend on my real Savior,
not an imposter. Knowing this should at least
result in eating fewer cold dinners! But, more
significantly, I can face whatever hurts, finding
the peace that comes from remembering that
the mighty hand of God is the only true refuge.
*
*
*
Postscript
God is the “searcher of hearts,” therefore we are
transparent to him. He tells us what he sees,
therefore we come to know ourselves accurately.
The Vinedresser actively and purposefully works,
therefore we change (often in unexpected ways).
In this man’s story we see how a good God
is at work in him, giving both striking insight
into himself and direct help.
This pattern of insight and aid is mirrored
and expressed in good counseling—even
though others are not immediately transparent
to us, even though we possess no actual power
to make change happen. “The purpose in a
man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of
understanding will draw it out” (Pro 20:5). The
result is insight, as another person’s inner self
comes to light.“The sweetness of a friend comes
from his earnest counsel” (Pro 27:9). The result
is influence, as wise counsel helps to renew the
heart and life of another person.
So in portraying for us how God is changing
him, this man’s story implies something about
how we can help each other to change.
In particular, notice what emerges about the
nature of escapist sins. It is easy to focus solely
on the immediate sin: in this case, the pleasures
and comfort of flight into the endless realm of
interesting internet information. In other cases
the escapist sin might be more lurid and more
immediately destructive: e.g., drunkenness,
pornography, drug addiction, compulsive
spending, gambling. The immediate sin is always
significant—but other things also matter.
Notice, for example, the significance of the
question, What are you escaping? In this story, two
unexpected things emerged. First, he became
newly aware of his situation: family problems
were bothering him more than he had realized.
Second, he became newly aware of something
dark about himself. Covert expectations—“I
should be able to solve what is wrong”—
heightened his level of stress and distress. An
incident of marked escapism and inattention
to his wife happened at the confluence of three
things: a troubling situation, a misplaced motive,
and self-generated stress.
It will serve you well as a counselor to look
for how escapist sins express “false refuge” in
something that is not God (the opposite of the
Psalms’ true refuge). It will serve you well to look
for significant difficulties a person is facing. It will
serve you well to probe the expectations, desires
and fears a person brings to those situations.
Behaviors, both good and bad, make sense as
we locate them within the interplay of external
situation, internal motivation, and complex
experience.
David Powlison
49
L i v es in Pro c e s s
Active Love: A New Way
of Living
Anonymous
This story is about how Christ is at work in my
life. The medium he has used is my consumption
of alcohol. I know that alcohol causes a great
deal of destruction—it did so in my life.
Drunkenness is sinful. Though I sympathize with
the arguments for total abstinence, I have chosen
to aim for moderation. But what follows is not
an essay arguing for moderation and against
total abstinence. I hope that whether individual
readers disagree or agree with my position, they
will still find my story encouraging. It is a story,
after all. Christ has been working, is working, and
will continue to work, both to his praise and to
my wonder.
This story starts many years ago when I was a
freshman in college. A few of my friends attended
a college a few hours away. After class one Friday
I went to spend the weekend with them. I was
nervous because that night was to be my first in
the world of college partying. I had known these
friends since the seventh grade; they knew me
better than anyone. We had been straight arrows
in high school, but in college we were trying new
things. As we mixed drinks and listened to hip
Indie music, the shared excitement was palpable.
We laughed and spoke about life and loves and
learning (and the drinks!). After a few rounds,
a few of us wandered out to a party. There, in
a sense, I met the rest of the world who were
drinking, dancing and looking for romance. Some
of it was stressful and awkward, but overall I had
a great time, and a new pattern of living began.
50
My social drinking (as I called it) often
left me drunk and out of control. I grew more
comfortable in the pursuit of pleasure, alcohol
and otherwise. Granted, many good pleasures
like laughter, friendship and conversation were
the most important to me, but occasionally more
destructive tones dominated. Those times were
characterized by indifference to wrongdoing,
slander, coarse language, boastfulness, anger,
crudity, and sexually-charged flirtation. I was still
concerned with maintaining a moral lifestyle in
the midst of it all, but failure and indulgence still
occurred. At times, I was living a quasi-alcoholic
lifestyle.
Four years after college, I heard and believed
the gospel and joined a church family. I changed
some in the social drinking aspect of my life,
though the change was primarily accidental,
almost passive. Simply put, my church family
just does not drink much. And since I enjoyed
my new family and was often with them, I drank
less frequently. But when I did go out drinking, I
would still engage in destructive behaviors (or to
call it by its true name: I would sin). Recognizing
that I was indeed sinning, I knew that I had to
deal with this issue.
My first attempts at dealing with it focused
on the motives underlying the destructive
behaviors, the lusts, the boastful heart, the
arrogance, and the desires that would get freer
reign after a few drinks. Yet, I never directly
addressed the role of drinking in my life. It was
not until three years later, when an older, wiser
Christian challenged me to seriously engage in
the work of sanctification that I became aware
of my blindness to my drinking habits. As I
prayerfully considered his advice, and thought of
where to start, I finally became conscious of the
obvious: before any growth was going to occur in
my other struggles, I had to address my drinking.
After all, drinking was what gave free reign to
these other sins. Essentially, I was a glutton
when it came to alcohol, and this undermined
my pursuit of goodness and constructive living.
I was a bit sad about this realization even as
I submitted to it. While I was convinced that the
fullest human life was a holy life in fellowship
with God, I felt too that holy living was almost
certainly going to kill an old friend (beer). And, all
doctrine aside, I felt I was going to be poorer for
it. I imagined new rules and new accountability
that would make each of my favorite beers a
little less satisfying, and many good times would
be lost. The conversations with friends about
why I was not taking part in the next round of
drinks were going to be awkward, and these
conversations might make me sound like a
spiritualized moralist (and play into negative
stereotypes about Christianity). All this is to say
that it was with no small amount of anxiety that
I began my quest. Were it not for the delectable
sweetness I had tasted in deliberately closing the
gap between belief and life1 in other areas of my
life, I would have quit before starting.
In the next month, while reflecting on my
Lord and life in relation to my excessive drinking
habits, a central theme arose: love for God is meant
to be lived out in community. This was not what
I expected. Rather, I assumed that submission
to biblical rules would make up the bulk of my
learning. But, early on, this search for rules led
straight to the great two-fold commandment. I
saw that a holy life is not about trying to fit in only
as much sin is allowable! Rather, a holy life is a
calling to love God and others wholeheartedly.
Seeing the call to love others as central illumined
past events: much of what I had regretted from
days of drunkenness was related to active sin,
but I had never been convicted of the passive
sin of not loving.2 This new perspective changed
my work of sanctification from being largely a
negative one—what to stop doing—to a positive
one: how to live a life of love.
To my surprise, conversations with trusted
friends about my desire to change and seek
guidance in the Bible left me feeling liberated,
rather than hedged-in. I was seeing that freedom
does not mean doing anything I desire. Rather,
freedom is living in obedience to God’s design for
life. Living more intimately with Christ and my
Christian family (i.e., really loving them) brought
a measure of freedom from shame and guilt, eased
the social anxiety that occasionally motivated
my drinking, and lessened the gluttonous urge
for pleasure. I had tried to “lean on my own
understanding”when it came to drinking, to go it
alone in finding a way to live. I had tried to carve
out a piece of my life that was not in God’s moral
universe and was beyond address by my loved
ones, effectively pushing them away. More and
more I began to see that love required intimacy,
and intimacy required transparency. And this
understanding of love was changing the whole
way I thought about my desires to change.
Despite these growing realizations, much of
it was still mostly head knowledge. But one night,
while walking the streets in New York’s Lower
East Side, these truths flowed into my heart as I
found myself singing “My Goal is God Himself,”
a 19th century hymn. I sang it for the entirety of
a thirty minute walk. The words I had sung many
times before came to life and moved through my
intellect and into my heart.
My goal is God Himself, not joy, nor peace,
Nor even blessing, but Himself, my God;
‘Tis His to lead me there—not mine, but His—
At any cost, dear Lord, by any road.
So faith bounds forward to its goal in God,
And love can trust her Lord to lead her there;
Upheld by Him, my soul is following hard
Till God hath full fulfilled my deepest prayer.
No matter though the way be sometimes dark,
No matter though the cost be oft-times great,
He knoweth how I best shall reach the mark,
The path that leads to Him it must be straight.
One thing I know, that “no” I cannot say;
One thing I do, I press towards my Lord;
My God my glory here, from day to day,
And in the glory there my great reward.
I felt anew that I could trust God in any path
because he upholds me, no matter how dark or
51
hard or costly the path may be. And I could trust
him in everything—drinking included. I was
awestruck in those moments with the totality of
this love. With this new taste of goodness in my
mouth, a new faith in God arose.
In the quiet of those city streets, I heard
his voice in everything. The whole world was
safe, and I feared nothing. As I sang, simple
profundities became alive in me. I felt I’d never
really trusted God with my life and that this
was pure foolishness given his overwhelming
goodness. I was the only person I entrusted with
my lack of control, my weakness, my regrets.
Sin and self-deception run unimaginably deep
years. I had never been so frank about my sin
with them, yet shame was absent. I was walking
with them and they with me.
Once this hurdle was cleared, it became easy
to share with others, even beyond the few close
friends I had initially involved. I wondered what I
had been afraid of all these years. It seemed I had
never really trusted in God before, because this
was so different, so easy and free. Setting myself
up to receive the love of others actually became a
way to love them. My parents felt loved because
I had trusted them, and I was blessed in loving
them. My obedience in confessing my sins to
others3 was a means used by God to bless me
My obedience in confessing my sins to others was a
means used by God to bless me with a greater awareness
of his forgiveness. I was acting redeemed, speaking of sin
as something hostile to my identity–not defining it.
in my heart, and I was living alone, unwilling to
trust anyone regarding drinking. This isolation
had stopped reflection and driven away hope,
because I knew my own futility and the fear of
repeated failure was crippling. Yet the beauty of
this song pulled me out of myself and toward
my Lord, the One who could do something, the
One who could absolutely be trusted. It was no
wonder I struggled and had stagnated in this
area of my life. These are the natural results
of living on my understanding and strength.
The powerful, solemn joy of the old hymn had
connected my mind’s conviction to my heart. I
was leaping for joy in my heart, filled with awe
and wonder at being convicted that I had a
chance to live differently. I had hope.
My first act of obedience was to stop
carrying this sin alone and to start asking my
larger Christian community for help. I started by
sharing my desire to change with my parents,
involving them as both counselors and prayer
partners. Sensing my own ambivalence about
opening up, I sent them an email, sharing my
hopes generally and pinning myself down to
talk about it on the weekend. Our conversation
was open, truthful, loving. Simple, trusting
obedience made it easy to be honest about my
struggle. I shared with them that drinking had
made chastity and holiness more difficult, and
that I had resisted the wisdom of God for many
52
with a greater awareness of his forgiveness. I was
acting redeemed, speaking of sin as something
hostile to my identity—not defining it. I was
realizing redemption and freedom. It was odd
really. Suddenly, I was hiding less, and I felt less
alone. My simple obedience was teaching me
wisdom through experience. In obeying, I was
learning how to live in community, and I started
encouraging others to not be afraid of sin, but
to realize redemption as I had. The iterative4
nature of God’s wisdom became clear: only in
obedience can the truth of God’s goodness be
truly realized.5
I made progress. Yet, as time went on,
I continued to feel the difficulty of breaking
old habits and the complexity of making
changes in my social interactions. Each week,
I came to better understand my brokenness,
stubbornness, and simple carelessness. It was
here where I met a further truth of God and was
given the energy to keep on keeping on. During
a Sunday service, a woman sang “Orphans of
God,”6 which has the startling lyric, “So many
fallen, but hallelujah.” Being fallen is turned into
hallelujah before a loving and forgiving God.
Later we sang “Remember Mercy,”7 a meditation
on Habakkuk 3:2 which insists that sin is no
impediment for God’s love: “I stand in awe of
your deeds, beauty which covers the earth…
though you cannot look on sin, still I rejoice in
your name, for your anointed has borne our
shame.” Again, I was drawn into wonder and
awe at being in the hands of God.8 These truths
about the forgiveness and love of God made my
failures to love God and others during my years
of excessive drinking, and in my recent strivings,
just a part of my larger life with God. My moral
successes were neither a means of proving my
worth nor the centerpiece of my walk with him,
rather his amazing love, grace, and mercy.
In the context of this process of reflection
and growth and struggle, I went to New York
on Thanksgiving weekend to visit friends. I
anticipated the weekend being a bit of a test.
If that were all that God intended for it, then
I failed the test. Instead, he covered my small
failures with grace and transformed regret into
greater knowledge of myself and his ways. On
Thursday and Friday I visited with friends,
enjoyed drinks in moderation, and actively loved
others the whole time. On Saturday, I went out
with a large group to sing karaoke. This meant
an extended period of social drinking, which is
precisely the occasion I struggle with the most.
A good Christian sister was in the mix this
night, and I had told her about my hopes to turn
away from drunkenness and loveless behavior
while out with friends. Over the three hours of
karaoke, I didn’t over-indulge, but I did walk
the line tenuously. We were toasting, singing,
dancing, being silly, laughing, encouraging each
other to sing tough vocal parts, shouting—all
told, good innocent fun.
We left our time of singing in high spirits,
full of the boisterousness that comes when you
set down pride and indulge in singing for each
other. We returned to a friend’s house to eat hot
pot, a Chinese communal meal that involves
cooking raw meat, vegetables, and noodles in
a boiling pot of broth that rests on a portable
range in the middle of the dinner table. I
enjoyed helping in the kitchen and chatted with
my friend, the hostess, while we washed and
chopped the bok choy and the Chinese broccoli.
The mood was festive and we shouted and joked
and laughed throughout the small apartment.
There is a certain moment, achieved with friends
on a holiday, where everything you say and do
has a context of affection, and we were there—
for a while.
We settled around the table and started in
on the feast. During the first round of eating
(there are multiple rounds when you eat hot
pot), I had one beer. Then a friend offered to grab
me another beer, and I accepted. The steaming
pot of broth in the middle of the table was hot, I
was thirsty, and after a short while my beer was
empty, and I had another. We were all drinking
at a quick pace, like we had done many times
before. Some at the table grew louder as the
evening and drinks wore on, and the volume
of their conversation made it difficult to carry
on other conversations. I noticed this, but I did
not try to do anything to help. Also, there was
one moment of startling sadness when a friend
callously joked about going to hell and someone
else added, “I’ll see you there.” A comment
like that gets bandied lightly, but behind it is
absolute darkness and hopelessness. I typically
proffer a sarcastic remark, attempting a loving
interruption of such thoughts, but this time I
said nothing.
Later, on the subway ride home, I nodded off
for a second right in the middle of a conversation
with a friend. I was tired after a week of little
sleep and much work, and a weekend of activity.
The exhaustion combined with the extra beers at
dinner made it hard to stay awake. I apologized,
and he forgave. I was not drunk, but I had drank
too much, and I had loved too little.
The next day my Christian sister poked me
about the night before, about grabbing drinks at
karaoke and having too many at dinner. At first I
was defensive. But later, reflecting on the night,
I realized she was right. I started to understand
more that life is a process, growing in holiness
is iterative, and that seeing my sins clearly,
both active and passive, is part of this process.
Moreover, this process is safe and is going
somewhere because of the one who guides it. I
thought about the nature of living a whole life
for God, of the“so many fallen, but hallelujah,”of
the“nevertheless”of Psalm 106, and of the“still I
rejoice in your name.” In this light, in the light, I
agreed in my heart with my sister: I had indeed
drank too much out of the habit of saying “yes”
to another drink.
As I considered the night further, I noted
that if real love had been active that night around
the dinner table, it would have firmly and gently
said something to the comment about going to
hell. In my behavior, I had held up a false love,
believing that it is my approval that friends need.
But behind this was a desire to be liked that
53
crowded out a desire to truly love them. Mixed in
with this was the consumption of alcohol, which
enabled the sinful laxity. I confessed this sin to
God, entrusting him with my weakness and
placing my hope in his strength. On Monday
morning, when I met with my prayer partner, I
confessed these things to him.
I had set out to find rules for drinking, but
instead I found a new way of living and learning.
The journey helped make me less scared of life
and failure, and more ready to learn obedience
through both success and failure. It gave me a
desire for my walk with the Lord to be about
abundant living and loving, and a refreshment
of life so deep it reaches my bones. It taught me
that the final word in struggle and failure and
sadness can be “Hallelujah,” because he does
not give up on me. This assured knowledge of
his patient and steadfast love liberates me from
being defined by what I do and have done.
Since those days, drinking hasn’t been a
struggle in my walk with other people and the
Lord. My path of sanctification includes other
challenges instead. The lessons I learned about
the centrality of loving others and the Lord, the
power of grace over and through failures, and
the iterative nature of wisdom assist me in these
new struggles, though I learn these same lessons
over and over.
_______________________________________
1 “Closing the gap between belief and life” gets at the
notion that the beliefs held in the mind are often not the
beliefs that operate in the heart. As an example, there is
often a canyon between how we might believe people
should be treated and the way we actually treat them.
2 Passive sins are those sins that involve not doing what
should have been done,“sins of omission.”
3 James 5:13 “Confess your sins to one another and pray
for one another, that you may be healed” was realized
as my obedience in confessing brought my parents and
friends in. They prayed, bringing God to bear.
4 Iterative wisdom is the wisdom that we learn by going
through a process repeatedly. The first time down a path
we learn certain things. The next time we travel the same
route we add to those initial lessons and modify our
initial wisdom. And so on and so forth. It is a wisdom
that grows out of experience.
5 The promise in Proverbs 3:5–6 resounds here. “Trust
in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your
own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.” The blessings
and the power of God are obtained through obedience.
These verses, along with 7 and 8, echo throughout my
meditations here. The lesson is that obedience and
joyful, triumphant living in God are connected: simple,
but wonderful.
54
6 “Orphans of God” by Avalon
7 “Remember Mercy” by Tom Jennings
8 These songs were echoed and confirmed in my
devotional reading, through which I came upon Psalm
106:43ff where verses recollecting sin and rebellion are
answered with: “Nevertheless, he looked upon their
distress, when he heard their cry.” Such is the mercy of
God. This mercy is a bedrock.
*
*
*
Postscript
“This story starts many years ago…” Yes, that is
how all stories start, but it’s still worth saying. Our
lives are meant to unfold like a good book. And
every story that gives evidence of the purposeful
love of Christ will someday come forth into all
joy. We will see face-to-face. We will be remade
wholly like the one we have come to love.
This story, like most stories, can speak of
a few glowing moments. May God be praised
for those times when all creation comes alive,
when “earth’s crammed with heaven, and
every common bush afire with God” (Elizabeth
Barrett Browning). But this story, like all stories,
mostly describes everyday moments. Some of
these are difficult and disheartening. Others
are heartening. And so we grow. The leading
sanctification indicators do trend upward
over time, though sanctification recessions
and downturns are not uncommon. When it
comes to treasure in heaven, your investment
philosophy aims for long-term gains.
Here’s a more complicated question raised
by this particular life in process. How do ethical
judgments relate to a person’s growth in grace?
This kind of issue actually comes up quite often
in counseling, whether over ethical or doctrinal
differences. So, for example, the story you just
read deals with alcohol use. All Christians agree
that:
• The goal of the Christian life is active love
for God and others.
• Drunkenness is wrong.
Those two points of agreement are extremely
significant. But thoughtful Christians differ in
their ethical judgments about alcohol use per
se. Should the norm and goal be moderation or
abstinence? Is alcohol a good gift that goes bad,
or is it inherently bad?
In other words, should we think about
beverage alcohol the way we think about
money? Greed, theft and coveting are wrong;
moderation, gratitude and generosity are the
norm. The wrong comes in misusing something
good. Or, should we think about beverage
alcohol the way we think about greed, theft
and coveting? All forms of mammon-worship
are wrong, and total abstinence from sin is the
norm. The wrong is simply wrong. Do we take
our cues from Psalm 104:15’s celebration of
creation, Old Testament cultural practice, and
the Lord’s Supper? Or do we take our cues from
Ezekiel 44:21’s implications for the new covenant
kingdom of priests, the example of the Nazirite
vow, and Romans 14:21?
Ethical judgments about alcohol use also
raise many subtler questions. For example, in
practice, there are a variety of midway positions
between moderation and total abstinence.
• There are Christians who believe in
moderation theoretically, but who practice
situational abstinence. Given the destructive
meaning of alcohol consumption in a
particular culture or family, or the destructive
effects in the life of a particular friend, they
do not drink in those settings or they never
drink.
• There are Christians who believe in
moderation theoretically, but who practice
personal total abstinence. The reason could
be because of their own vulnerability:
“Some people may be able to handle
alcohol responsibly, but I do not drink. It
too easily tempts me and resurrects too
many old demons.”Or the reasons could be
because of a sense of calling: “As a pastor, I
choose not to drink, though I do not mind if
other Christians drink in moderation.”
• There are Christians who prefer abstinence,
but who practice situational moderation.
Given the constructive, relational meaning
of alcohol consumption in a particular
culture or family, they participate when in
that setting: “In my extended family and
culture, the glass of wine and the toast are
a central ritual of conviviality and oneness.”
And there are still other combinations,
permutations and complications!
What about the story you have just read?
From an ethical standpoint, this story offers yet
another of those untidy permutations that real
life presents to pastors and other counselors. The
author believes in and prefers moderation, as
does his church and Christian cultural setting. For
both his Christian and his non-Christian friends,
moderate use of alcohol carries constructive,
relational meanings—but it also has destructive
effects, tending toward drunkenness both
for non-Christians and, on occasion, for him.
At the same time, his Christian friends were
willing to reprove him in love on an occasion of
drunkenness, indifference, and compromise. He
had ears to hear the reproof. He confessed. He
grew in loving God and neighbors. He learned
to practice moderation. The old demons of
drunkenness and allied forms of lovelessness
were silenced. As he moved on in sanctification,
“other challenges” came to the fore. The active
love of God had been working—and kept
working. The Vinedresser began snipping off
other branches of remnant sin, that the fruitful
vine might become still more fruitful.
David Powlison
55
B o ok R e v ie w
The Doubting Disease: Help
for Scrupulosity and Religious
Compulsions
Joseph W. Ciarrocchi, (Mahweh, NJ: Paulist Press, 1995), 192 pages.
Reviewed by Michael R. Emlet
Nothing saps joy and freedom in the Christian
life faster than ongoing doubt, guilt, and selfcondemnation stemming from an overlysensitive and scrupulous conscience. There
is a spectrum with regard to the hyper-active
conscience, but I am thinking of Christians who
obsess hours a day over moral and spiritual
concerns. Their obsessive thoughts and doubts
produce anxiety. This anxiety often drives
people toward compulsive responses, including
excessive reassurance-seeking from others,
ritualized praying and confession, avoidance of
spiritual activities, and exhaustive research and
study.
One of the most widely cited texts on this
issue is Joseph W. Ciarrocchi’s The Doubting
Disease: Help for Scrupulosity and Religious
Compulsions. Ciarrocchi, a former Catholic
priest, trained as a clinical psychologist and
served as professor and chairman of pastoral
counseling at Loyola University in Maryland
prior to his death in 2010.
His book is organized into three parts:
“Scruples:
Orientation
and
Overview,”
“Changing Scruples,” and “Practice and Theory
of Changing Scruples.” I will first summarize
each chapter, and then I will comment on overall
strengths and weaknesses of his approach.
___________________________________________
Michael Emlet (M.Div., M.D.) counsels and teaches at
CCEF and directs CCEF’s School of Biblical Counseling.
He is the author of “Crosstalk: Where Life and Scripture
Meet.”
56
“Scrupulosity: An Overview” (chapter one)
gives a synopsis of the problem of scrupulosity,
which he defines as “seeing sin where there
is none.” Several case studies highlight
the anguish and paralysis these sufferers
experience, and the lack of understanding they
encounter in secular therapy settings.
“Scruples and Obsessive-Compulsive
Disorder” (chapter two) describes the problem
of scrupulosity as a sub-set of obsessivecompulsive disorder (OCD).
Ciarrocchi
views scrupulosity as “religious OCD.” He
distinguishes “emotional scrupulosity” (his
main focus) from “developmental scrupulosity,”
a more self-limited form of scrupulosity often
occurring in adolescents or shortly after a
conversion experience. He proceeds to describe
the features of OCD including various types
of obsessional thoughts and compulsive
behaviors. He then discusses the origins of
OCD in light of the fact that the majority of
all individuals have unwanted and intrusive
thoughts at various times. Why do some
people develop intractable obsessions and/or
compulsions in response to these thoughts?
One aspect may be viewing the thought as
somehow dangerous in itself. “People with
scruples believe, ‘If I have this thought, image,
or impulse, I must be that kind of person or be
willing to do those things’” [emphasis original]
(p. 25). Ciarrocchi highlights the attempted
suppression of that “dangerous” thought as
another factor in the development of OCD
and helpfully summarizes the subsequent
cycle that ensues. He ends the chapter by
briefly describing both biological treatments
(medication) and psychological treatments
(exposure and response prevention) for OCD.
The third chapter (“Scruples: Common
and Uncommon”) describes the nature of
scruples more specifically through a case study
of John Bunyan’s struggle with assurance
of salvation and blasphemous thoughts.
Ciarrocchi notes that Bunyan’s success in
overcoming scrupulosity may have been linked
to his emotional engagement with the truths
of Scripture and not simply to absorption of
factual information. The chapter ends with a
chart of various common themes of religious
scrupulosity and gives examples of obsessions
and compulsions that may be associated with a
particular theme.
“Scruples in the History of Pastoral Care”
(chapter four) puts scrupulosity in the context
of church history before it was viewed through
the modern lens of psychiatric diagnosis. He
describes several principles for the treatment of
scruples from the pastoral care tradition.
• Act contrary to the scruples.
• Follow the example of others without
tedious moral reasoning.
• Rely on the guidance of a single spiritual
advisor rather than consulting many.
• Put oneself in situations that trigger the
obsessional thought.
• Avoid religious rituals/prayers, which serve
as compulsions.
Ciarrocchi notes these principles “contain
the seeds of modern behavioral treatments”
that include modeling by others, exposure
to the upsetting situation, and blocking the
compulsive response.
The second section of the book focuses on
specific strategies for overcoming scrupulosity.
In chapter five, “Targeting Scruples and
Developing Motivation,” Ciarrocchi’s first step
is to gather data through self-monitoring. He
includes a sample assessment tool, which asks
the counselee to record the date, situation,
obsession (the thought, image, impulse, or
behavior that triggers anxiety), to rate the
level of anxiety, to describe the compulsion
(the thought, image, impulse, or behavior that
reduces anxiety), and the time spent dealing
with the obsession and/or compulsion. He then
discusses several practical ways to increase a
counselee’s motivation for change. “The drive
to keep the scruples is essentially emotional:
fear. The reasons for change need to have an
equally compelling emotional pull” (p. 68).
Chapter six,“Reducing Religious Scruples,”
highlights key principles of exposure and
response prevention therapy. Exposure is
forcing oneself to remain in the fear-provoking
situation, which gradually leads to the
diminution of the anxiety. Successful exposure
must be prolonged, must evoke some level
of anxiety in the person, must be repeated
over time, and may take place in the real-life
situation or through the imagination. Response
prevention, or the “blocking principle,” involves
avoiding the characteristic compulsive response
to the obsession-induced anxiety. “Changing
scruples and OCD symptoms, therefore, is a
two-step process: exposure to the obsessions,
and at the same time, blocking the compulsions”
(p.76, italics original). Ciarrocchi spends the
remainder of the chapter discussing how to
design exposure exercises for target obsessions
(both live and imagined), beginning with those
situations and obsessions that cause the least
amount of anxiety and working gradually
toward the situations and obsessions that cause
greater anxiety. He notes the importance of
involving others: “If someone is hesitant about
the ethical legitimacy of exposure tasks, he or
she should take the list of tasks to a spiritual
or religious consultant of the person’s own
choosing” (p. 82).
In chapter seven (“Reducing Compulsive
Scruples”), Ciarrocchi focuses on the second
arm of the treatment approach: blocking or
preventing the ritual/compulsions, whether
they are external (behavioral) rituals or internal
(mental) ones. He also distinguishes between
“positive rituals”(doing something to neutralize
the anxiety generated by the intrusive thought)
and “avoidance rituals” (not doing something
to prevent further anxiety). An example of the
former might be saying a ritualized prayer; an
example of the latter might be avoiding TV to
prevent intrusive sexual thoughts. Response
prevention therefore means not doing the
positive ritual or doing something constructive
instead of avoiding. In other words, response
prevention is “doing the opposite.” So, in the
57
aforementioned examples, response prevention
would involve not saying the ritualized prayer
and choosing to watch a (wholesome) TV
show, respectively. In both cases the counselee
remains in the midst of the anxiety, without
resorting to the compulsive strategy. Finally,
Ciarrocchi notes the difficulty for family
members who live with the scrupulous person
and describes a few ways to stop assisting the
struggler with the rituals (e.g., cease providing
excessive reassurance or cease listening to
repeated confessions).
“Getting Help for Scruples and OCD”
launches part three of the book. Ciarrocchi
discusses how to find a helping professional
and what types of treatments are available,
including
medications.
He
particularly
mentions the Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation
and Scrupulous Anonymous as two helpful
organizations. He closes the chapter with a listing
of professional and self-help organizations,
recommended general reading, and readings from
more technical literature.
In chapter nine (“Technical Asides: Moral
Reasoning, Scruples, and the Psychology of
Religion”), Ciarrocchi discusses the futility of
attempting to convince someone to give up
scruples through argumentation and moral
reasoning. In his view, the issue is not ultimately
a cognitive problem but an emotional one.
The conclusion he reaches is that “attempting
to solve ethical issues from a scrupulous
foundation creates an infinite loop of further
difficulties for the person” (p. 114). He shows
the futility of casuistry (“resolving of specific
cases of conscience, duty, or conduct through
interpretation of ethical principles or religious
doctrine”1) and how such moral reasoning
backfires for the scrupulous person. Rather,
the counselor helps the struggler take action in
situations where there is absence of complete
and absolute moral certainty. Later in the chapter he returns to his
earlier point of distinguishing between
developmental and clinical scrupulosity. In
fact, he sees three types of scrupulous behavior.
Developmental scrupulosity (Type I) can occur
at two stages of life: in adolescence as teens are
wrestling with identity issues, and following
a religious conversion in adulthood. This type
of scrupulosity is generally self-limited with
guidance and support from others and with
58
the passage of time. Milieu-influenced scruples
(Type II) highlights that fear-based scruples can
be shared by the members of a particular social
or religious group. Clinical scrupulosity (Type
III) represents the version addressed in the
book: scruples as a sub-type of OCD.
The book ends with two appendices: “A
Step-by-Step Treatment for Scrupulosity,”which
nicely summarizes the book’s approach and an
“Obsessions and Compulsions Checklist,” a
data-gathering tool based on the Yale-Brown
Obsessive-Compulsive Scale. Throughout
the book there are multiple charts that can be
photocopied for use with counselees. Endnotes
and a substantial bibliography complete the
book.
Positive Aspects of Ciarrocchi’s Approach
I have found aspects of Ciarrocchi’s overall
approach helpful in counseling those who
struggle with scrupulosity. There are not
many accessible resources designed for
counselors that address this focal struggle in
a comprehensive way. In addition, Ciarrocchi
lays out a step-wise, logical methodology for
helping the scrupulous person, providing many
templates for potential homework assignments.
One temptation we face as biblical
counselors is to stay at the level of ideas (even
biblical ones!) in our counseling. Ciarrocchi
urges the reader not to engage in a battle of
moral reasoning as though amassing more
biblical, philosophical, or ethical perspectives
in and of themselves will help solve the doubt
or question at hand. Such an approach rarely
works, and it often exacerbates the problem
because the scrupulous person will usually
have one more rebuttal of our supposedly airtight biblical positions!
Ciarrocchi
rightly
highlights
the
importance of hands-on methodology and
practical exercises, including exposure and
response prevention approaches. From a
biblical perspective this means facing your
fears without resorting to typical self-oriented
compulsive strategies to reduce anxiety. This
methodology pushes the struggler to live
in the midst of life’s ambiguity, rather than
pursuing absolute certainty. Biblically, this
means learning to live by faith and not by sight.
Ciarrocchi does not put it this way, but such
exercises can involve learning to transfer trust
from self to God in the midst of distressing,
fearful situations, thoughts, and emotions.2
I also believe it is helpful to see severe
forms of scrupulosity under the umbrella
of OCD.3 That is, the descriptive overlap is
appropriate. This reminds us that the person
with severe scrupulosity has more than a
tender conscience that should respond simply
and swiftly to biblical instruction. Rather, we’re
talking about a morbidly sensitive conscience.
People who are basically paralyzed by their
obsessive doubt and compulsive responses
cannot be argued out of their experience. And
it certainly is not helpful to say, “Just don’t
think like that” or “Ignore the thought.” In this
sense, we can agree with the secular research
showing the success of cognitive-behavioral
therapy in OCD, and, more specifically,
exposure and response prevention strategies,
despite their limitations noted below.
Lastly, Ciarrocchi rightly highlights the
importance of engaging emotions in the
battle against scrupulosity. While a much
richer and biblical development of this idea
is needed, it reminds us that overcoming
scrupulosity involves more than Christianized
“thought-replacement” exercises wherein
faulty thoughts are simply replaced by
biblical thoughts. Overcoming scrupulosity
requires a growing and vital trust in God
lived out in daily personal engagement with
him. This ultimately moves a counselee away
from ritualized and impersonal “religious”
responses.
Limitations of Ciarrocchi’s Approach
Ciarrocchi’s model suffers from several
major flaws. The most glaring is that his
approach is purely humanistic and clinical
(cognitive-behavioral). He looks at the
problem exclusively through psychological
and biological lenses. While he advocates the
incorporation of a counselee’s religious beliefs
into the approach as potentially helpful, God
as a real person is missing. Scripture is absent.
He does not view the struggler as a worshiper
whose heart allegiances, desires, fears, and
moral choices are inextricably woven into
the struggle. As a result, the transformation
he advocates does not move toward greater
love of God and of other people. Nor does
it require a scrupulous person to rely on
resources outside of self for change. Bottom
line: his approach is theologically, biblically,
and anthropologically impoverished.
Ciarrocchi rightly identifies some of the
faulty thinking that underlies the experience of
scrupulosity. For example, secular researchers
have described six “belief domains” (faulty
cognitions) associated with OCD. These
include an inflated sense of responsibility, overvaluation of one’s thoughts, overestimation
of threat, the importance of controlling one’s
thoughts, intolerance of uncertainty, and
perfectionism.4 This is helpful. But the belief
patterns described do not occur in a vacuum.
Rather, they reveal important things about
our view of God, self, and others. Working
with the counselee to identify and correct
these distorted views is a critical part of the
change agenda. Again, this cannot simply be
a Christian thought-replacement exercise, but
an opportunity to actually engage with God in
the moments when fear and doubt take over.
Lastly, while I believe that exposure and
response prevention exercises are critical,
how can we employ them within a biblical
framework? What gives the struggler the
power to face one’s fears, to remain in a
place of doubt, ambiguity, and anxiety?
Who provides the resources for such battle?
Ciarrocchi’s approach begins and ends
with the individual. A biblical approach to
scrupulosity begins and ends with the God of
the universe, whose redemptive work through
Jesus Christ, outpouring of his Spirit, and lifegiving Word provide the grounding for such
practical exercises.
Conclusion
The Doubting Disease offers two important
benefits. It opens our eyes to the reality and
intensity of scrupulosity. It provides concrete
strategies to help strugglers. However,
the counselor must embed these practical
strategies in a robust biblical worldview to
achieve a distinctly Christian approach to this
struggle.5 There is a reason why Ciarrocchi
may see the history of pastoral care as
containing the “seeds” of secular cognitivebehavioral treatment: the apple does not fall
far from the tree! Long before scrupulosity was
viewed in clinical categories, skilled pastors
brought biblical wisdom to bear upon these
59
entrenched cases of conscience. We would do
well to recover this rich pastoral tradition even
as we are sharpened by Ciarrocchi’s modern
reflections.
_______________________________________
1 “Casuistry,” Merriam-Webster, accessed February 21,
2012, http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/
casuistry.
2 A resource that does highlight the critical role of
transferring trust/responsibility from self to God in the
midst of obsessions and compulsions is Ian Osborn’s
Can Christianity Cure OCD? A Psychiatrist Explores the
Role of Faith in Treatment (Grand Rapids: Brazos Press,
2008).
3 This book review is not the place to discuss the benefits
and limitations of psychiatric diagnostic categories. For
such an introduction listen to my talk from the 2011
National Conference entitled, “What’s in a Name?
Understanding Psychiatric Diagnosis,”available through
www.ccef.org.
60
4 David A. Clark, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for OCD
(New York: Guilford Press, 2004), 112.
5 For more information on this subject, see the following
biblical counseling resources:
• Audio of my lectures from CCEF National
Conferences. “Religious OCD” (Psychiatric
Disorders Conference) and “Fear Run Amok –
Help for those who Struggle with OCD” (Running
Scared Conference). Available at ccef.org under
Resources – Audio Downloads.
• My mini-book: OCD Freedom for the ObsessiveCompulsive (P & R Publishing, 2004)
www.prpbooks.com
• Gary Nebeker and Norman Thiesen, “Consciences
that Condemn: When Moral Thermostats Go on
the Blink,” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 19:1
(2000).
• Edward Welch’s blog: “The Unpardonable Sin” at
www.ccef.org/unpardonable-sin
B o o k R e v ie w
Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and
Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault
Justin S. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb, (Wheaton: Crossway, 2011), 288 pages.
Reviewed by Cecelia Bernhardt
Justin and Lindsey Holcomb walk into the
darkness of sexual assault with their book, Rid of
My Disgrace. The Holcombs are determined to
bring hope and healing to the victims of assault.
They are also determined to bring hope and help
to those called to minister to victims. The authors
bring an intimate knowledge and understanding
of Scripture, a wealth of theological resources,
along with a credible acknowledgement of the
research that the secular field has to offer. Most
importantly, the Holcombs’personal experiences
of grace from their lives of faith undergird every
story told and lesson learned.
The authors approach the terrain of sexual
assault through three categories: “Disgrace,”
“Grace Applied,” and “Grace Accomplished.”
They define sexual assault as “any type of
sexual behavior or contact where consent is not
freely given or obtained and is accomplished
through force, intimidation, violence, coercion,
manipulation, threat, deception, or abuse of
authority” (p. 28). They inform the reader of
the prevalence of sexual assault in the United
States: 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men are sexually
assaulted at some point in their lives. As biblical
counselors, we want to be prepared to minister
well to such a large percentage of the population
who often suffer shame and guilt in silence.
___________________________________________
Cecelia Bernhardt (M.Div.) is the director of counseling
at CCEF. She has many years of experience counseling
women who have experienced sexual assault or abuse.
Disgrace
This section compassionately considers both
the horror of the original incident and the
life-long repercussions that victims of assault
can face. At the time of the assault, victims
can feel terrified, fearful, helpless, humiliated,
and confused. The assault is not only sexual,
but also emotional, relational, and spiritual. It
involves betrayal on every level.
The overall impact of sexual assault is
evidenced in the long-term consequences.“The
especially sinister side of trauma is that even
when the event has ended, it has only begun to
shatter one’s key assumptions about one’s self
and one’s relation to others in the world”(p. 40).
Self-blame can be a monumental struggle for
survivors—especially if the assault happened in
childhood. It is often much easier for people to
blame themselves for the horror of abuse than
to face the pain of acknowledging betrayal by
someone who was called to love and protect
them. Many of the psychological consequences
of childhood sexual abuse center on victims
who have convinced themselves that what was
wrong must have been right, and that what
they thought was right must have been wrong.
Their perception of reality has been warped in
a powerfully personal way.
Grace Applied
The second section tells intimate stories of
devastating sexual assault; yet each story
61
carries a seed of hope and healing. Along the
way, the authors discuss the common reactions
of survivors of sexual assault. Denial, distorted
self-image, shame, guilt, anger, and despair are
examined with the compassion and clarity that
only experience can bring. The authors enter
the dark valley of lies and self-focus that can
surround survivors. They bring the message
of the gospel into refreshing contact with the
limited and faulty “self-healing” approach that
is a foundational tenet in recovery from abuse
in the mental health world. The only hope to
survive such deep sin and suffering is the oneway, contra-conditional love of the Father. He
fully understands both our sin and suffering,
and he deeply loves us. He cleanses us, not
through our own efforts—but through the
person and work of Jesus Christ. Survivors are
encouraged to forgive, recognizing the great
cost of forgiveness. Forgiveness for grievous
evil is hard, but it brings a sense of peace in its
wake. It is forgiveness that is extended because
we know we too need the Lord to forgive us.
We who are grateful to have been forgiven can
forgive others.
In their discussion of despair, the authors
posit that the sense of powerlessness and
vulnerability felt during a sexual assault can
contribute to struggles with self-hatred and
self-pity. Many questions can plague the
survivor in the aftermath of the assault. On
the one hand: “DID I ask for it? Why DIDN’T I
stop him? What happened is my fault.” Or, on
the flip side, if she knew she did NOT want it
to happen and now feels damaged, she may
demand endless sympathy from everyone,
everywhere: “I am defined by victimhood.”
Either of these two extremes will lock a survivor
into an identity based on the evil of the assault.
But the Holcombs remind us where true identity
is found: in relationship with Jesus Christ.
Grace Accomplished
In the last section, the authors point to the
results of God’s grace. In the creation account
in Genesis, sex is portrayed as the “ultimate
expression of human unity,” underscoring why
sexual assault has such dire consequences.
Sexual assault is a weapon of violence. Vile selfgratification through violent control replaces
the most intimate moment of surrender and
voluntary giving of one’s self for the beloved’s
62
enjoyment. Rid of My Disgrace pits this
violation against the comprehensive shalom
that our world was created to enjoy.
We can take heart: “God’s response to
evil and violence is redemption, renewal and
re-creation” (p. 171). From the first promise of
blessing through the offspring of the woman in
Genesis 3:15, to the resurrection of Christ, God
does not waver from his plan for redemption.
His loving kindness, or hesed, is shown again
and again. Isaiah 53 is especially poignant.
Through his death on the cross, this Suffering
Servant will “absorb and transform” violence.
He will restore shalom to the whole earth. He
will restore shalom to the hearts of his people.
In the final chapter we see how “violence
and redemption converge on the cross of
Christ.” The authors describe Jesus Christ,
the One who fulfills all of God’s promises to
redeem his people.
Grace is accomplished—and applied. This
is the hope for those who have survived sexual
assault and abuse. Because of Jesus, we can
be healed from the consequences of the most
brutal attack. Because of Jesus, we are forgiven
our own sins and the hurt we bring to others.
We can develop a sense of our true identity
in him and have hope for loving and mutual
relationships. Because of Jesus, we are truly rid
of our disgrace—forever.
Analysis
Rid of My Disgrace largely accomplishes its
goals. It speaks to the victims of assault from
a caring, biblical standpoint. In responding,
I will discuss the way in which the Holcombs
apply their faith to the topic of sexual assault,
their interaction with secular literature, and an
oversight in their practical theology.
First, the Holcombs unapologetically
address a topic that has been claimed by
the mental health field. Firmly anchored in
a mature understanding of the gospel, the
authors illustrate how God teaches us about
people, healing, and relationships. God does
this primarily as Scripture interprets the wealth
of extra-biblical information—both their
own case experience and contributions from
behavioral science research. By demonstrating
how special revelation engages extra-biblical
information, the authors avoid the pitfalls of
either ignoring secular research altogether
or assuming that secular theory and therapy
should get either first or last word in defining
personhood.
Scripture takes the lead. The authors put the
biblical narrative of creation-fall-redemptionglorification to work. God’s dealings with us
offer a consistent backdrop to come alongside
a person who has suffered a sexual assault. For
example, the fall into sin introduces suffering
due to the violence of others—Genesis, Exodus
and Judges are particularly graphic. This has
many counseling implications.
By acknowledging the depth and intensity
of suffering at the hands of others, the
Holcombs create a sense of safety for victims.
This is something that Christians sometimes
pass over too quickly in order to get to the good
news of the gospel. But if we pass over suffering
too quickly, we make it harder for a person to
understand how the gospel is applicable.
Here is another example. The interplay of
suffering and sin is complex, and the Holcombs
address this with delicacy and wisdom. Victims
need encouragement and support regarding
the offense of the attack; yet at an appropriate
point in the counseling process we want them
to know the Lord as One who not only heals,
but can also save them from their sins. Every
person is in need of the forgiving grace of the
cross, even those who have been grievously
sinned against by others. This is a challenging
truth for anyone to face, but a critical one to
share if we long to see survivors thrive. When
we come to God in humility, he will gladly
forgive and heal us.
Second, the Holcombs make appropriate
use of secular research to help dispel some
popular myths about sexual assault. For
example, a sexual assault is usually more
about violence and control than about sex.
Assaults are not “crimes of passion” that cannot
be restrained, which is often how people
categorize them. They are intentional, brutal
acts of violence. Also, sexual assault is not
usually perpetrated by a stranger. In 80% of
sexual assaults the victim knows the attacker.
As we come alongside victims to help
them, we are reminded that denial of an assault
does not work. We agree with secular literature
that encourages victims to tell their story in
the context of a safe relationship. Doing so
gives them the opportunity to process any
lingering confusion, and to receive help in
understanding what is good and what is evil.
Biblical counselors can really help here because
we know God’s true definition of those terms.
The Holcombs also cite secular literature
that buttresses the biblical view of emotions.
As whole persons, we are wired for wholeperson responses: thoughts, beliefs, emotions,
choices, conscience, memories, anticipation
and attitudes. As biblical counselors we
acknowledge and treat emotions as part of
God’s gift to human nature—just as much as
cognitive and volition abilities are gifts. We want
to be receptive to what emotions communicate
about a person’s heart, and not assume they
are a disjointed expression or the reaction of a
moment.
While appreciating these particular secular
contributions, the Holcombs clearly rely on a
biblical understanding of reality, identity and
relationship. Their foundation of the person
and work of Jesus in bringing health and
healing is helpful in arguing against the secular
encouragement toward self-healing, which
encourages victims to consider themselves
as their own saviors. That is a worrying and
unreliable approach that will inevitably leave
survivors in a place of isolation and futility.
Third, though overall effective, the
Holcombs’ approach has one noteworthy
oversight: they do not acknowledge the
mystery that our God, who describes himself
as Protector, allows these evils. In my own
counseling of victims of sexual assault, this
contemplation always brings the question: “If
God my loving Father sees all, where was he
when I was attacked? Being all good and all
powerful, why didn’t he stop it?” Christians
might bristle at such questions, but they are
legitimate. God is sovereign, but Scripture
does not use God’s sovereignty to anesthetize
experience or to silence questions. For example,
the book of Psalms draws forth honest
questions in a way that expresses faith in the
God who cares for us and redeems us.
We do not have to defend God or try to
uncover his thoughts that are not revealed to
us. At the same time, we do not want to be
like Job’s counselors. When confronted with a
depth of suffering that they did not understand,
they wrongly attributed Job’s suffering to
punishment for unacknowledged sin. God
63
rebuked them for “not speaking rightly about
him.”At a time when they should have modeled
God’s empathy and compassion, Job’s friends
spoke cold theological facts.
Job, while challenged for an attitude of
arrogance in his questioning of God, was
also praised for “speaking rightly” about
him in contrast to his counselors. As biblical
counselors, we can do well to consider just
how Job spoke rightly. We don’t know why
God allows sexual assault and abuse—and
10,000 other evils. There is mystery and we can
acknowledge that. It is good to sit and ponder
the mysterious “why” question with people,
even as we mourn together the pain and loss
experienced in the assault. Often the first
truths needed then are: (1) Evildoers act with
their own free will according to evil purposes.
(2) God hates the evil act and has compassion
on those who suffered at the hands of others.
64
(3) Jesus himself experienced suffering at the
hands of others.
Final Thoughts
Overall, I highly recommend this book to
anyone who has suffered a sexual assault and is
trying to make sense of this experience in light of
who God is and his love for sufferers, expressed
through the gospel. Biblical counselors will
benefit from the Holcombs’ experience,
thoughtful compassion and well-researched
information. The stories they use can be shared
as vignettes of hope and encouragement.
Biblical counselors can use the Scriptures that
they cite with their own counselees, or as
models for how to use other passages to speak
of God’s truth, grace and compassion. This is a
work that graciously brings the light of life into
a valley of great shadow.
B o o k R e v ie w
Integrating Faith and Psychology:
Twelve Psychologists Tell Their Stories
Editor: Glendon L. Moriarty, (Downers Grove: IVP Academic, 2010), 272 pages.
Reviewed by Edward T. Welch
Counselors, I hope, enjoy reading about
people. When I read a book I first look for the
author’s biography, then I carefully read the
acknowledgements, then I read the dedication,
sometimes wiping away a tear or two. I want to
know about the author. This continues to be my
defense for taking a peek at People magazine if I
am waiting in a long check-out line.
With this in mind, “Twelve [Christian]
Psychologists Tell Their Stories” should catch
your eye. This is not a book of ideas that edits
out personal references. It is a book about
people. Each of the twelve writes about relevant
personal history (e.g., childhood and family
experiences, church influences). They describe
key mentors, struggles, personal suffering,
spiritual disciplines, and things learned both
as therapists and receivers of therapy. Each
concludes with a letter to the reader of hardwon wisdom and summaries of the best advice
each has to offer.
Gary Collins wrote the forward. Collins is
a Christian psychologist who was among the
early authors in Christian counseling. He is
still smarting from the “battle lines” that were
sharpened by Jay Adams’ Competent to Counsel
(co-founder of CCEF) and the anti-psychology
movement, some of which was highly polemical.
Those were difficult days of argument and strife,
___________________________________________
Edward Welch (M.Div., Ph.D.) counsels and teaches at
CCEF. He is the author of “When People Are Big and God
is Small.”
and the scars remain for some of the combatants.
A colleague of Collins, who wrote one of the
later chapters, mentioned a scheduled televised
debate in which Collins and Adams were to be
the principal opponents (p. 101). Collins decided
to back out because, in the words of one of the
other proposed participants, the debate looked
like it would be a “turkey shoot” aimed at those
who had a favorable view of psychology. Collins
goes on to write that from that time on he sought
to hear his opponents and write in more irenic
ways. The implication is that his opponents
(biblical counselors) did not respond in kind.
This brief forward provides a glimpse into
the story line that persists among those who
identify with the agenda of bringing together
reliable psychological research and scriptural
truth: “There are battle lines. The opponents of
the agenda (read: CCEF and others of similar
opinions) do not listen well. They continue to
operate under the banner of anti-psychology.”
And, of course, there is something here for
biblical counselors to consider. But, the real focus
of the book is the biographical stories.
You might recognize some of the names
of the book’s contributing authors: Everett
Worthington, Rebecca Propst, Siang-Yang Tan,
Mark McMinn, Elizabeth Hall, Mark Yarhouse,
and others. Each story is fascinating, as human
stories of conversion and growth in the grace of
Christ always are. Here are several themes that
run through the book.
65
• When you hear people’s life stories, they
are no longer merely “ideas with feet,”
no longer simply a “viewpoint” within
Christian counseling. These are people
who know Christ and want to grow in
him. They take their hearts to task. They
understand our shared tendency to rest in
our accomplishments. They have sought
Christ through the dark times of life. They
are like you. As you get to know them, you
will hope to be like them, at least in their
zeal for Jesus Christ.
• The authors’ interest in psychology makes
more sense when you understand the larger
context of their lives.
• “Psychology” to them usually means
empirical research and careful observations.
Sometimes it means a therapeutic approach,
such as cognitive therapy or object relations
therapy, which the authors believe is
compatible with and complementary to
Scripture.
• Scripture is praised. It is the infallible Word
of God.
• Psychology supplements Scripture with
its insights into emotional problems and
problems that are embedded in past
relationships, especially early relationships.
• The worlds of psychology and Scripture
are hard to bring together. They are two
different disciplines. They do not integrate
easily.
These observations are not new. You can glean
them from most any current book on integration
or “Christian counseling.” But something
important is missing. The Christian psychologists
in this volume rarely mention how empirical
research is not as sturdy or reliable as advertised.
It is one thing to do empirical research with
igneous rock or iguanas. It is something different
to develop careful and useful observations about
complex moral creatures such as ourselves.
Here is another missing item. There is
rarely any interest in taking the more reliable
psychological observations and showing how
Scripture anticipates these observations and
places them in a much richer context. For
example, the consequences of past verbal,
physical and sexual abuse have been widely
studied. Scripture speaks extensively to injustice
and the damage of being sinned against, but
when these authors think about past pain, they
66
fall back on psychological categories. These are
descriptively rich but with none of the wider
and deeper understanding communicated in
Scripture.
Despite these significant omissions, the
stories are wonderful. One finds insightful
comments throughout. Here is one that caught
my attention.
A student entered her professor’s office. The
school is Christian and teaches an integrationist
approach to psychotherapy.
“If I can help people that way [with
psychological techniques], then why do I need to be
a Christian?”
The instructor was, appropriately, stunned by
the question.
He comments further, “Over and over again
I have heard students proclaim, with the flush of
newfound professional insight, that a client would
be better off if she would just realize her problem
was psychological and not spiritual . . . But the
solution for such a dilemma may be to reexamine
our theology rather than assume that clinical
diagnosis should trump spiritual language”
(p.254-255).
To which I say, “Amen.” And then I would
labor to make a more persuasive case for the
breadth and depth of Scripture.
Here is one other important piece to that
story. The author goes on to observe that some
of these students are looking to be liberated
from legalistic church backgrounds where
the struggles of everyday life are ignored or
dismissed. This is not the only motivation for
those who engage in integration, but I have
heard this story many times from men and
women who have turned to secular psychology:
they received more help and understanding
there than they did in the church. To which we
say, “Lord, have mercy on us all.” May we never
drive people away from Scripture because of
clumsy or even harmful ministry of the Word.
May those who teach and preach be chastened
and sobered.
Certainly there is more I could say about
this useful book. When any of us reads a book,
we highlight some things and miss others.
Along with being drawn into every person’s life
story, I have been reminded again that biblical
counseling, as it is interpreted by most Christian
psychologists, is only a slightly nicer version of
the aim-and-shoot school of anti-all-things-
secular-and-psychological. We will have to work
hard if we are to engage in profitable discussion.
I was also reminded that Christian psychologists
are interested in finding compassionate,
meaningful,
Christ-honoring
theological
frameworks that can provide a truly coherent
perspective on people and modern human
struggles. To which I give another, “Amen.”That
is what biblical counseling is! This gives us good
reason to engage with those who share the
perspectives of these twelve psychologists.
67
B o ok R e v ie w
Coming to Peace with Psychology:
What Christians Can Learn from
Psychological Science
Everett L. Worthington, (Downers Grove: IVP Academic, 2010), 280 pages.
Reviewed by Edward T. Welch
Everett Worthington’s book could be read as
“One Psychologist Tells His Story” (see review
of Twelve Psychologists Tell Their Stories).
Worthington is a committed Christian who
teaches at Virginia Commonwealth University.
He is a psychologist whose interest is in careful
research about human beings more than in
clinical or counseling theories. His goal is to draw
more Christians into the field of psychological
research.
The book is personal. Readers get a sense of
the man, his family, and especially his marriage.
This, I think, is the way it should be. Some types
of writing have to be less personal. A journal
article, for example, usually is not going to speak
about the pleasure you take in long walks with
your spouse. However, Christians who do much
writing will eventually begin to seed their work
with personal references. This is not egoism. It is
simply what happens when you understand that
the world is fundamentally personal: know God,
be known by him, know other people, be known
by them. So it is a pleasure to get to know this
author.
Within this personal context, Worthington
gives us a good primer on the science of
psychology. He argues that science, though
limited in what it can do, can (1) support and
validate scriptural principles, (2) add ideas that
___________________________________________
Edward Welch (M.Div., Ph.D.) counsels and teaches at
CCEF. He is the author of “When People Are Big and God
is Small.”
68
should be explored theologically, (3) help us
learn how to live wisely, and (4) help us know
God better. These are ambitious goals, especially
the last one.
He reviews the different approaches to
integration and identifies biblical counseling
as the “filter” approach. By this he means that
biblical counselors use Scripture to filter or sift
all psychological theories and observations,
discarding some things and recasting others.
Worthington is certainly measured in what
he says. He is an ethical scholar who strives to
speak accurately. He is quick to point out the
merits in this approach, but, in his work, he
prefers to use what he calls a relational model.
He uses the metaphor of dance to summarize
the relationship between Scripture and science.
I am not fond of the dance metaphor—I step
on my wife’s feet way too often when we go
to weddings—but I understand what he is
saying. Careful observations and Scripture work
together. Scripture is called to“lead,”and science
is called to follow, and yet there is a back-andforth in good dancing.
No argument here. There have certainly
been times when an observation from
counseling, an autobiography, neuroscience
or academic psychology has either challenged
me to consider my interpretation of Scripture
or to account for that particular observation by
way of Scripture. For example, whenever I write
about human strengths and weaknesses, the
neurosciences help me clarify the embodied
nature of human life. Emotional lability is a
weakness; anger is typically sin. A poor memory
for faces is a weakness; indifference toward
others is sin. For me, the neurosciences and
Scripture have danced over the years, and they
continue to do so. Scripture is true and infallible,
but our exegesis and theological constructions
always need refining, and careful observations
help to raise good questions. In the late 1800’s
many theologians assumed that language was
the essence of being created in the image of God.
Subsequent investigations into strokes raised
questions about this position when it became
apparent that stroke victims could experience
aphasia1 while still being very human. They were
still creatures made in the image of God.
Where I think Worthington overstates the
dance is when he says this: Scripture (when
interpreted by people) and science are equally
prone to error and correction. I do not believe this
is the case. There is no doubt that we all look at
Scripture through our own idiosyncratic glasses,
which include denominational preference,
culture, socio-economic status, gender, and a
host of other factors. But I am always blessed by
how easily Christians can come to a consensus
on critical matters. I teach students from a variety
of theological and denominational backgrounds,
and I have taught in cultures very different from
my own. I have found that, among those who
take Scripture seriously, we rarely disagree on
the basic exegetical and theological matters that
control counseling practice. On the other hand,
so much of psychological research remains
tentative. For example, a decade ago researchers
reported that they had found the bipolar gene
while working with Amish health records.
Today we realize that those conclusions were
speculative. Human beings are complex, and
research in which results are sound, replicated
and meaningful are difficult to find. Those
conclusions for which there is broad support,
such as the importance of relationships in the
process of change, are already emphatically clear
in Scripture.
Worthington also asserts that psychological
insights can enhance our sanctification and
relationship with God, but I found that his
supporting data did not deliver. The research
he uses is open to interpretation. But all can
agree with his basic idea: observations of created
things can and should point us to the Creator.
So, despite the fact that Worthington
identifies himself as an integrationist (science
and Scripture), and I am a biblical counselor,
I still agree with his main points. Some of our
differences emerge out of our institutional
settings. He works in a secular university and I
work in a non-profit Christian institution. This
creates differences in emphases.
Worthington is passionate about the
marriage of Scripture and psychological science;
I am less so. I am more passionate about the
careful application of Scripture to the details of
daily life. Is this difference important? Probably.
His concern about biblical counseling—and
here I am making his thought more explicit than
what he actually says—is that biblical counselors
are studying people with only one resource
when God has given us more. Yes, he would
say, Scripture is a fine resource—it is the best
resource—but those in the “people business”
need access to the careful observations of both
believers and unbelievers. Otherwise, he says,
we are working with a handicap. To him, this
would mean that biblical counseling is great for
some problems, but its scope is limited.
But does any biblical counselor believe
there is only one resource for coming to know
and understand people? On our CCEF staff
we have had a historian, a medical doctor, a
psychologist, a sociologist, a neuroscientist, a
person trained in marriage and family systems,
an addiction specialist, and others who stay
current in neighboring disciplines. Our staff
includes lovers of film, art and literature. Many
have traveled extensively. What unifies us is that
we all have seminary degrees and we counsel. In
all of this, we are both interpreters and learners.
We are continually being educated in the
varieties of human experience. Worthington’s
view that biblical counselors only draw from
“one resource” is a false perception. Science is
essentially careful observation, which means
biblical counselors are functional scientists every
day.
My concern for those who are passionate
about psychological research is that it is hard to
use such research fruitfully if you do not also have
a growing knowledge of Scripture, especially a
growing biblical view of the person. Integration
is a precarious process. As most people who
specialize in integration know, it is hard to do
69
this work when theological understanding lags
behind the psychological. Can you articulate a
biblical view of the body, spirit, mind, emotions,
relationships, sin, forgiveness, purpose,
addiction, grace and sanctification? Does
biblical insight take you deeper and broader
than research? It should. Whichever partner in
the dance brings the most depth of insight is the
one who will control the dance. If Scripture does
not breathe forth rich, deep and full insights,
then psychological categories will be imposed
on Scripture. If Scripture is rich, full, and deep,
then Scripture will cast its gaze on everything,
which is as it should be.
Self-forgiveness is a good example of
this process. Worthington believes that selfforgiveness is very important, but “the concept
of self-forgiveness is not mentioned in Scripture”
(p. 218). From an integration perspective, this
category needs to be created and filled in
by the empirical literature. But consider the
implications of Scripture’s apparent “silence.”
The psychological partner—self-forgiveness—
now takes the lead in the dance. Instead of
asking why Scripture does not talk about selfforgiveness, it becomes a new operative category
that is not interpreted through the gospel.
Scripture does not speak about selfforgiveness because our sin is against God and
others, not ourselves. (1 Corinthians 6:182 is
worth considering here, but the proper response
in this passage is not self-forgiveness.) And there
is more. Scripture is deeply concerned about the
phenomena that lie behind this construct of selfforgiveness. Self-loathing, a lingering sense of
70
condemnation, personal regrets, shame—each
one of these receives rich biblical consideration.
Self-forgiveness as a psychological category
does not get to the primary matter of who God
is and what he says about sin and forgiveness.
Psychological categories, by their very nature,
do not naturally draw us God-ward. They are
not created with God in view and therefore
misconstrue significant human experiences.
Yet, despite this limitation, Worthington
moves the conversation about integration along
quite nicely. I love the personal nature of this
book. That, in itself, moves the conversation
forward. Also, he insists on distinguishing
psychological science from clinical observations
and personality theories. The border between
these is unclear at points, but it is a useful
distinction. Careful definitions are an important
part of ongoing discussions.
Moving forward, we will keep listening and
learning from Worthington and many others.
We are all busy with work, family, and church,
so careful reading and dialogue with counseling
neighbors can easily be squeezed out. But God’s
call to love and unity adds these discussions to
our agendas, and we are blessed to live under
such a calling.
_______________________________________
1 Aphasia is defined as “loss or impairment of the power
to use or comprehend words usually resulting from brain
damage.” Merriam-Webster, accessed March 26, 2012,
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/aphasia.
2 “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person
commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral
person sins against his own body.”
Restoring Christ to Counseling & Counseling to the Church

the journal of biblical counseling

Transcription

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