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Volume 3 Issue 10
The Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago
May 25, 2007
The Chicago Shady Dealer
CIA outsources Sino
intelligence gathering
to China
STAND rapes, kills enemies of
divestment from Sudan
By Derrick Lanson
Controversy flared in Washington last week after the New York Post
learned that for the past three years, the
Central Intelligence Agency has been
hiring Chinese citizens to carry out
intelligence gathering services in their
home country.
“This is a terrible idea,” the Post
said in an editorial. “These people aren’t
even Americans and they’re being
trusted with a task that is vital to our
national security. We call on the CIA to
end this program immediately and find
some Americans--some straight, white,
Christian men who are Americans--to
do the job.”
The intelligence community,
however, was united in its support for
the outsourcing.
“Once we started outsourcing
intelligence gathering to China, everything got better,” argued Harry Weston,
Director of the CIA. “We were so worried before about them building up their
military, violating human rights, and
threatening to invade Taiwan. But now
we know that their entire military has
been disbanded except for one man, a
General Tso, who spends his entire day
preparing chicken for every Chinese
restaurant in the United States as part
continued on page 7...
LAST ISSUE...
of this year
Goodbye, cruel world... 2
To Have and Have Not...3
Summer Spectacular...4-5
I have the Vapors...6
Flaccid penises... 7
Throwaway Literature...8
HANDSTAND leaks this flyer that STAND created to showcase the group’s true intentions
By Carl Wheeler
Members of the University RSO Students
Taking Action Now: Darfur (STAND) have begun
to round up and kill members of a break off
group, University of Chicago Campaign for Immediate Divestment.
The UCCID broke off from STAND in
April to try to use more extremist (and annoying)
techniques to force the administration to divest
from the Sudanese government, as well as piss off
everyone with divestment protests and speeches.
Almost instantly, paramilitar y members of
STAND descended on the dorms and apartments
of UCCID members, taking them to their secret
headquarters somewhere in Hyde Park. News
reports from the region are sketchy at best, but it
appears that most UCCID members have been
separated from the roommates and, in some
cases, their laptops. There are also darker rumors
– some sources indicate that Gen Chem midterms have also been circulated to the captives, a
move the UN has declared “completely against all
possible human morality.”
In response to the random killings and
terrifying raids, some U of C students have
started a campaign to stop the University’s continued funding of STAND. Officially known as
“Helping Achieve Nothing in Darfur: STAND,”
or HANDSTAND, the group is dedicated to
stopping all ORCSA funding of the genocidal
RSO. University President Robert Zimmer, in a
joyous impromptu speech from his office said: “I
am cautiously optimistic that I will be able to
work with HANDSTAND to stop the reign of
terror that is STAND.” He paused to clap with
glee, spin in his chair, and laugh like a hyena. “I
can easily envision a world where STAND doesn’t
bother me every fucking minute. Oh, also, it’ll be
good if they, you know, stop killing people and
shit.”
The general student body has overwhelmingly been supporting HANDSTAND, with over
95% of students actively in the group. “What are
you saying about STAND killing people? I don’t
know what you’re talking about,” said one student
in an interview. “I just want STAND to stop being so damn annoying all the time.”
Volume 3 Issue 10
Polonius, whatchu doin’ behind them cur’ains?
Page 2
What’s the new Editor’s real name?
The Chicago Shady Dealer
Crescat Rumor Vitia Excolantur
Left to Die in a Ditch Somewhere
Ryan Uricks
Glorious New Leader
Connor O’Steen
Poisoned
Patrick Lange
Whereabouts Unknown
Zachary Binney
Spared...For Now
Adam Petterson
Senators
Megan Wells
Priya Dugad
Formed the Band Grizzled Thorn
Katharine Bierce
Michael Kramer
Harry Nangle
Michael Stevens
Tired of this Shit
Robert Prag
Meetings
Sundays @ 7pm Harper 141
Website
shadydealer.uchicago,edu
Listhost
[email protected]
DISCLAIMER
If you are offended or otherwise provoked to hunt us down like the dogs we
are in retribution for what is printed here,
please stop, count to 10, and remember
the guiding principle of our staff: the
Chicago Shady Dealer is not a reliable
news source
Meta-Disclaimer
If you object hunting down dogs please
replace “dog” with another animal or
inanimate object of choice.
Thank you.
Editor’s Farewell: The Day Laughter Died:
Now with briefs!
My tenure as Editor of this venerable publication (commonly known as “the Dark Ages” by the
rest of the staff) has come to a close. I reminisce
about all the new comrades I have made: the kid
who sat in the corner all the time, the bitchy one,
and, last but not least, the one who knew things.
They will forever be etched in my memory until the
next time I lapse into a coma.
My accomplishments have been vast and
have been graciously recognized with Time magazine’s Person of the Year 2006. This year we expanded our range of distribution: well into the frontier regions of the BSLC and the Shoreland. We
were awarded the Canadian Order of Merit for
traversing the treacherous Shield of Manitoba and
vanquishing the evil Saskatchewanese of Flin Flon.
Finally, we were bestowed with the great honor of
being adopted by Angelina Jolie, but were quickly
emancipated.
Fortunately, I leave you now in the hands of
[Insert name here] who will guide you into what the
rest of the staff call “better times.” [Insert name
here] will lead this publication into a new and uncharted area of publicationdom. With an increased
budget we plan on getting drunk, having a pig roast
on the quads…on a yacht, and maybe improving the
Dealer; it’s too early to know. What I do know is
that [Insert name here] will make the Dealer just as
good as this year, perhaps even worse, but [Insert
name here] has big shoes to fill on that front. I now
retire to concentrate on my family whom I care so
deeply about and my cherished hobby of hunting
hobos for sport.
Keep on Truckin’,
Ryan Uricks
P.S. I’m f ree! FREE! SEE YOU IN HELL,
ASSHOLES! I’M TAKING ALL THE MONEY
FOR NEXT YEAR AND GOING TO VEGAS!
A Look Back: Letters to the Editor:
The Day Mail Wept: A Memoriam
Dear Mr. Uricks,
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mom.
Dear Mr. Yuricks,
My name is Abeer and I am finance minister for the
Duke of Nigeria, Earl Kaftu. He has millions of
dollars tied up in offshore accounts and needs your
help to get it out! Thank you for sending inital
10,000 dollars needed to get your hard earned cash.
The next step needed is one-time processing fee of
50,000 dollars to the bank account attached and
the final step to your cut, unles other bad things
should happen post-haste. Please send over your
credit and bank account numbers number posthaste! Try to git your families too so that they too
cam share in riches. The Dook needs your help!!
Yours in Christ Bless,
Abeer
Dear Ryan,
My name is Crystal and I’m writing from the “Jerry
Springer Show”. We got your name from a coworker of yours (we’ll just call him Poel Jutnam) as a
possible guest for our June 12th show “My Baby
Daddy is Bigfoot”.
We hope you’ll join us next month. Please email
me and let me know if you’re available. You’ll be
compensated with $200 plus airfare and hotel, as
well as a lovely gift basket. In addition, a full body
wax will be provided for your neonate’s pater familias.
Sincerely,
Crystal
Volume 3 Issue 10
Sorry, but we’re coming back next year
Page 3
We are the Champions
Shady Dealer receives Outstanding Publication Award
No, rea'y.
By The Dealer Editorial Staff
The editors and staff of the Dealer would first and foremost like
to take a moment to thank ORCSA for naming them best campus publication for 2007. We would also like to ask them: what the hell were
they thinking?
Seriously, guys, you bought that garbage we wrote in our application? About our staff being 15 dedicated hard-working writers who just
want to bring happiness to an incredibly dreary and depressing campus?
It’s really just 3 of us sitting around shotgunning Old Style and snorting
blow for an hour every week while writing streams of consciousness to
fill up 8 pages.
There are so many more deserving publications. Vita Excolatur,
Sliced Bread, The Worker’s Vanguard...actually, the list stops there. But our
point stands. You chose us?
Well, thanks for the hundred simoleons, at any rate. We could
get 100 one-dollar hookers, or one $100 hooker. OOH! Or 1,000 tencent hookers! Or we could get the Golden Girls DVD box set. But
really we’re just going to squander it all on Harold’s Chicken. You kids
ever wonder where your student activities fee is going?
Once again the editorial staff would like to express our sincere
disappointment in ORCSA’s decision this year. We hope they will never
(er, always) repeat this mistake in the future.
We take your questions! This week: Hunting for subletters with Hemingway
I lived in an apartment this school year and loved it, but now I’m having
subletting problems. I thought I had someone lined up to take the apartment off
my hands for the summer, but he cance'ed on me at the last minute. Do you have
any advice for attracting subletters? Can I sti' get a good deal on rent this late?
-Harried Estudiante Lacks Planning
Dear HELP,
In the fall, winter, and spring of that year I lived in a small
wooden house overlooking the corner of 54th and Woodlawn. The sun
was bright when it came out, and it shone down on the bleached white
rocks in the dried river bed on the downward slope of the mountain,
and the wind picked up dust and coated the leaves a shade of grey, and
the wood of the house was pleasant except sometimes not because of
the splinters and their sharp ends. There wasn’t much there in that
small space, but it was cool resting in the shade of the oak trees with
three of four bottles of grappa in hand, except when the #6 went by
and filled the air with its exhaust.
It came time to move on from the shade and the trees and I had
to find a subletter so that I would not lose money for the time I was
away. The night before, I had discussed this with my landlord who came
suddenly.
“May I enter?” he said.
“You may enter,” I said.
“I have Pernod. It is cheap imitation absinthe. When you add
water it turns milky. Would you like some? It tastes like licorice.”
“That’s fine. I have a bottle of grappa. I carry it with me. I carry
it with me always.”
“I see you are an aficionado.”
“You are Spanish?”
“No. I want to go fishing. In San Sebastian. I must practice my
español.”
“That’s fine.”
“That is fine.”
“Yes.”
“Are you staying here for the summer?”
“No. I’m going to Paris. Chicago has nothing for me.”
“That’s fine. I’m impotent. It’s from the war…I think.”
“That’s more than I wanted to know, but it’s fine.”
“Is it fine?”
“Yes. It’s fine.”
“Don’t be ironical.”
“I’m not being ironical, but get out.”
“Fine.”
Shortly after, I found a subletter. Her name was Katherine Barkley. She was British and had lost her husband in the war.
“I am British. I have lost my husband in the war,” she said.
“Yes. I know, you have told me,” I said.
“Do you love me?”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“No.”
“I knew it. But you don’t have to darling, sometimes I’m a bit
crazy and I lose my head, but you don’t have to, I’m more myself now.”
“It’s fine.”
Katherine had agreed to sublet, but before long she was pregnant. When we went to the hospital, she died of hemorrhaging. After I
had gotten the doctors to leave and shut the door and turned off the
light it wasn’t any good. It was like saying good-by to a statue. After a
while I went out and left the hospital and walked back to the house in
the rain. I thought about finding another subletter, but I knew that it
was too late. I drank some grappa. It tasted like licorice.
Volume 3 Issue 10
In the library with the candlestick
Page 4
Summer Spectacular!
Community voices: Why can’t I just have a wol1oy?
By Shawn Burlap
Who doesn’t want their children to be raised by wolves? I know
I always wanted to be raised in the wild, y’ know, like maybe this bear
would come along some time and be all “RARRR!” and then I could get
down on my hands and do this creeping growly thing, and the bear
would run away. The newspapers would all want to interview me, and
then maybe, who knows, some hot girl with good NASCAR tickets
might be impressed. And who wouldn’t want that?
So when my first son Branson was born, I knew he was going to
go far…as a chewed! I dropped him off by the abandoned train station
and waited to be famous.
Two weeks, three lawsuits, and one baby chewed to death by
rats later, I was ready to give it another try.
When Devon was born, I went out 150 miles to the forest by
the state line, and I dropped him off there. But he kept following me
back to the car, almost like he didn’t want to be raised by wolves. Like
he didn’t want to be famous. I let his uncle raise him. It was close
enough.
When Lexxus was born I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want a girl
raised by wolves. I want a wol1oy! History books don’t care about people if they aren’t boys raised by wolves. I ended up forgetting where I
put her anyway, so I guess it worked out.
Then came Cody, and I really thought I was going to get it right
this time. I flew us both up to Alaska, where they got them some real
wolves. It took a while to find some big wolves, and then when we
found them, it was like the wolves didn’t even want to raise my boy. I
covered him in bacon grease, and the wolves did start nibbling at his
face, but I left before anything happened. Maybe I’ll never know for
sure, but I don’t think Cody will be my world famous wolf boy.
With Bobby Jim, I just tried the zoo in town. All I got were
some fines, plus they made all the fences at the zoo higher.
I got a few other kids, but I don’t really know what happened to
them. I don’t think any of ‘em worked, though. One day I’ll get my wolf
baby.
And then I’ll be famous.
Graduates: Tips for Surviving Homeless Life after You Graduate
Build a shack out of your old
Core books- Oh fuck we don t do
engineering do we?
CENSORED
Correct the grammar of
local graffiti artists
If you’ve taken O-Chem, synthesize
meth under a bridge.
Stab Someone
Volume 3 Issue 10
Hoagie, hero, or grinder? Now, you decide!
Page 5
Tremble Before Obama!
Dennis Kucinich: Too cute!
By Lauren Levine
isfied, murder his family and get off by hiring the ghost of Johnny Cochran. But it’s an adorable thought anyway, and that’s what counts.
Dennis Kucinich is utterly adorable! I just saw him on the
”I envision an America which has the capacity to reconnect
Democratic candidates’ debates and the first thing that popped into my
with the heart of the world; an America which proceeds in the world
mind was Frodo! I mean, look at him, with
optimistically and courageously. An
his rosy little cheeks and bright cheery eyes;
America which understands that the
it’s as if he had just come out of the Shire!
world is interdependent, that it is inter
Mr. Kucinich’s hobbit connection
connected, and that what we do today
became even clearer when he stepped down
impacts future generations.”
from his podium to shake hands with the
Awwwwwwww!!!!
other candidates, revealing his furry little
I also think that it’s so sweet that
feet, and the fact that he only came up to
ickle Kucinich wants to decriminalize
their waists! I just wanted to pick him up
marijuana. It makes perfect sense that,
and cuddle him like a widdle puppy! Just
given his hobbitish nature, he wishes to
when I thought the man couldn’t be any
share his passion for pipeweed with the
more precious, he opened his mouth.
rest of the world. I can just imagine
Pulling out of Iraq? Establishing a
him now, sitting around his little grassy
Department of Peace? Universal Healthknoll of a home with all of his friends
care?! I couldn’t believe my ears! I have
blowing smoke circles and eating
never heard something so utterly delightful!
mushrooms, saying, “I wanna do you,
Mr. Kucinich, I hate to inform you of this,
Sam.”
but things don’t work in exactly the same
But the cutest thing of all of this
Don’t look directly at him: he can sense fear
way as they do in the Shire. I know that when
is that widdle Kucinich actually thinks he
you get into an argument with Patty Bolger
has a chance to win! It’s so endearing that
down at the Green Dragon Inn during your eleventy-first birthday pubhe has the sense of purpose and delusion to believe that he can comcrawl, you can just shake hands, comment on how “bodikins will be
plete his quest to defeat the Dark Lord Obama and challenge Shelob
bodikins,” and make peace over a pint. In the United States, you give
Clinton, whose many legs each take a different stance to suit the occathe bastard a black eye, haul his ass to court, and if you’re still not satsion! Godspeed, you adorable little man!
Doc Films announces plans to fuck-up projection on yet another 70 classic movies
By: Matt Johnston
Continuing its long-standing tradition of ruining the experience of
seeing a classic or recent movie on the big screen, Doc Films proudly
announced last week that it will continue to poorly project and otherwise interfere with the film-going experience next year.
“We have a really exciting calendar lined up for next year,”
Doc Chairman Andrew Sanders stated in a phone interview. “Not only
are we showing some of the most obscure, boring titles in film history,
but we are doing so with even more incompetent, unobservant, and
absentee projectionists than ever before. Spring quarter should see an
increase in our already high rate of show interruptions.”
Doc board member Samantha Stickney echoed the sentiment. “It should be one of the worst years ever in terms of framing
alone. While last year, you may have occasionally noticed boom mikes
that are supposed to be eliminated by projectionist framing, this quarter you can expect to see studio lighting equipment in almost every
single frame. This will also assist you in ignoring subtitles, as they will
frequently be cut off, thanks to the same innovative framing techniques.”
Doc has also been pushing other efforts to decrease the audience’s pleasure. “We are really keeping all options open,” said Doc
Volunteer Coordinator Erica Hoberman. “We are especially proud of
past successes, including screening Casablanca with the volume down
so low that older patrons could not hear a word of dialogue. I am particularly happy with projectionists who ignore simple projection procedure and load films upside-down, causing five- to ten-minute delays
in the movie. But, really, we can’t rest on laurels. We continue to explore other options for calling attention to our own incompetence.”
“It is a real shame, though,” said Sanders, “that so many of
our fiascos get blamed on bad prints. Every quarter when the Hyde
Park Herald publishes its little summary of the new calendar, it says
that we don’t always get the cleanest prints. That’s like a slap in the
face. Dirty prints account for 15, maybe 20 percent of our problems.
It’s really the solid lack of effort that ruins the experience on most
nights. I mean, how else could you account for the weekend shows
having any problems? “
“Our biggest asset, I think,” concluded Stickney, “is projectionists who never, never look at the screen and are even so audacious
as to read a book throughout the show rather than checking their
work now and then. That is what other theaters are missing and that’s
why Doc Films can expect to continue operations for decades to
come.”
Volume 3 Issue 10
Burn in hell, Apple Pages
Page 6
Still Spectacular!
Unaccompanied Women
kidnapped by Men in Drag
By Patrick Lange
A trio of Unaccompanied Women on the
way home from an a cappella concert were accosted by several armed Men in Drag at 57th and
Kenwood. Two of the women are still being held
captive in an unknown location, but Chicago
Police believe it to be somewhere in Hyde Park,
judging from a Ransom Note left at the scene.
According to one woman who escaped, the
flamboyantly-dressed assailants were brandishing
a variety of blunt instruments with which they
did not appear to be familiar.
Detective Ernest McGrackle, who is
working the case, suggests, “from their strange
demeanor and awkward attack, we surmise that
these men are unstable, possibly suffering from
schizophrenia, Voices in Their Heads, or the
like,” and adds that if the attackers had acted in
harmony, they might have been much more successful. “We’ll correct this grave imbalance of
the Scales of Justice as soon as we can. We won’t
rest until they’re behind bars. I wouldn’t mind
throwing them off a clef if I could.” Since the
nearest cliff is several hundred miles from Chicago, this was likely an idle threat. Despite this
zeal, several students have voiced concern that
the incident represents an unacceptable lapse in
security, and have asked the university to take
more drastic measures.
Friends and family of the kidnapped
women will surely Make a Joyful Noise when
they are heard from again, but according to
McGrackle, “They’ll think twice about going
unaccompanied again.”
The assailants’ were last seen at the local saloon before they made their getaway on their horseless carriage
Does Nature Make You Pay For Both?
Why Choose When You Can Have it All?
BDSM keeps its presence on UC campus
By Katharine Bierce
A new RSO has been formed at the University of Chicago
which is so secret that, until now, the Dealer has been prohibited from
investigating it.
“I thought we were going to read the writings of Leopold Ritter
von Sacher-Masoch and the Marquis de Sade!” exclaimed novice firstyear Mike Rotch at the last meeting. “But in fact, we just sit around
reading Hobbes and critiquing each other’s Sosc papers. I mean, I
knew the U of C meant intellectual masochism, but what about something more physical? Come on.”
Third-year Lyff Sabich disagreed: “In my Hume class – Media
Aesthetics – we not only read the Marquis de Sade, we had to read all
his books for the first day of class. Like, not just after the syllabus has
been passed out, but we were expected to have looked up the class
website on Chalk and figured everything out before it was explained by
the professor, who was really an arcane bastard anyway. Quite frankly, I
used to be into hardcore S&M when I first came here, but after all this
damn reading, I don’t have the stomach for physical spanking.”
According to Slappy McAssington, the president of the club,
only those who have passed the rite of passage may progress to the real
meat: reading the History of Sexuality, by Michel Foucault – also a
BDSM enthusiast. However, his writings are harder to withstand than
any ball and chain. Not surprisingly, the BDSM club is having difficulty
attracting new students because many have found that the pain of wading through the mire of terrifyingly thick tomes is worse than being
paddled. In comparison, physical violence is too softcore and simply
unsatisfying.
When approached for comment, a randomly selected fourthyear, not in the club, agreed that the BDSM club was unnecessary.
“Who needs to be sodomized by a broomstick when I have a quantum
set due tomorrow? Besides, intellectual BDSM is just fucked up.”
Volume 3 Issue 10
This Space Intentionally Left Blank
Page 7
You can’t play on the swing either
ORCSA ruins Scav, everything
By Daniel Green
The recent Scav party, held Friday night of 7th week, has been
declared by most students “the worst Scav party of all time” in addition
to “godawful,” “criminally lame,” and “drier than a mummified Mormon
in the middle of the desert on a cloudless summer day.” One student
even went to far as to draw comparisons to elementary school: “When I
turned 6, we had cupcakes in school. On Saturday, my friends and I
went to the Planetarium and then made mobiles of the solar system. I
accidentally sniffed some glue, and you know what? That got me more
wasted than the damn Scav party. And those cupcakes I made wouldn’t
even have been allowed at Scav. So thank you ORCSA. Thank you for
making a party worse than when I turned six. Fuckers.”
But the Shady Dealer’s investigative reporting has discovered
that ORCSA has recently been responsible for worse things than just
utterly destroying a beloved campus tradition. A relatively harmless
example has been ORCSA’s arbitrary censorship of Vita, demanding that
only pictures of sufficiently flaccid penises be printed. When asked for a
reason, Dean of Student Life Greg Hopkins replied, “Flaccid cocks ain’t
good enough for you? Cuz, they’re sure good enough for me! I’m sick
and tired with all those bitchy ass erection perverts; I gotta feed my
craving for 19 year old limp bizkits.”
Memos obtained from sources within ORCSA lead to slightly
more troubling images. In one memo O-Aides are referred to as “pygmy
The Dealer Advice:
What do I do with my
Degree?
East Asian Languages and Civilizations– Become a Samurai
Comparative Human Development – Finally know what has 4 legs
in the morning, 2 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs at night.
English Literature – Cashier
Slavic Languages and Literature – Ethnic Cleanser
Public Policy – Keep kickin’ Coke off campus, Mother Theresa!
Gender Studies – Become a gay rights activist
Latin American Studies – Become a drug mule.
HIPS - Know a shitload about the philosophy of medicine. Needless to say, the chicks love it.
Germanic Studies – Today Hyde Park…tomorrow, the WORLD!
Econ – Enjoy your yacht, fuckers!
midget slaves.” In the same memo, ideas are circulated as to how to
“reduce pre O-week food costs without getting caught.” There was also
much discussion of “banning yeast from campus” in order to prevent
moonshining in the dorms. One memo, from Dean Hopkins goes so far
as to demand that all leavening be banned from campus, and that all
male babies born at the University Hospital be thrown into Botany
Pond.
Many other problems on campus have recently been tied to
ORCSA, including the campaign to end the Uncommon Application,
the burning of hundred dollar bills for energy, and the dog carcasses that
began turning up in the Reynold’s Club every full moon. Sunspots,
UFOs, cancer, crack cocaine, the international communist conspiracy,
and “fucking lame parties” all bear that ORCSA signature.
The most worrying revelations, however, were found in the file
marked “Community Service.” Contained within it were plans to progressively reject more and more Scav items until all the items eventually
promote social responsibility. The document contained the statement
“we must do away with Scav for Scav’s sake. All work must be directed
at furthering the peoples plan in accordance with the party.” Also suggested in the folder was a community service program whose public
purpose was to improve the lives of the homeless of Hyde Park but was
in fact a plan to “drown the homeless in vats of glue for personal
amusement.” It also contained a plan to cut down on noise pollution by
strictly regulating laughter.
Filler™
Omniglobalamalgamplex
We Still Own You...Blah,Blah,Blah...Evil®
continued +om page 1...
of ‘Operation Stir Fry.’ There are no human rights violations. In fact,
anyone who criticizes the government gets a happy pet pony. And
apparently Taiwan’s been part of China this whole time. Who knew?”
Other revelations have been that a suspected nuclear weapons
facility is actually a giant chopsticks factory, that democratic elections have been held in China at least once a month ever since October 1975, and that the infamous Tiananmen Square incident was in
fact the filming of a music video for the punk rock band Chairman
Cow.
It is also estimated that the CIA will save taxpayers $2.8 billion by hiring the cheaper Chinese laborers.
A few national security experts, however, have questioned the
quality of information produced by the new CIA recruits. “The information that we’re getting from China breaks too easily,” claimed
Marcus Wetherford of the Occidental Defense Group. “Sure, it’s
cheaper to buy Chinese intelligence reports, but they don’t last nearly
as long as American-manufactured ones. And then you have to go to
Wal-Mart and buy a whole new set.”
Danielle Sensby, of the State Department, disagreed, calling
the move a “great leap forward” for the United States. “Now that we
know China isn’t a threat, we can really open up to them diplomatically,” she added. “Maybe we can get them to finance some of our
national debt, or something. Who knows? One day they might even
be our second-largest trading partner!”
Volume 3 Issue 10
See you Next Year!
Page 8
Waste of Trees
Professor Brainstorms Book Nobody Will Read
By Nick Tichy
As Professor Daniel Mildred stares blankly in front of him, the creative juices in his head are being concocted into the next unreadable
tome he’ll publish. Mildred, the Michael G. Scott Distinguished
Service Professor in the Comparative Medieval Feudal and Agricultural Studies Department, ponders in his mind how to avoid core
violations and other grammatical nemeses that “will inevitably
plague my process.”
Mildred has authored over 12 books, none of which have
broken sales records. His most bestselling book, The Potato and 14th
Century Topsoil: A Historical Record, managed to sell a respectable 33
copies and forced the University Press to quickly print an additional
five copies to meet demand. “It was a validation of my work of 14
years that I was greatly surprised by,” beamed Mildred, “and I thoroughly intend to write another 6 volumes on this fascinating subject.”
For now, though, Mildred is intent on tackling what he
sees as the most pressing question of his field. “What I’m positing is
that cows, between the 10th and 14th centuries, farted more than
Probable: Patrick Augustine
today’s cows and consequently led to the medieval warm period
which caused warmer temperatures across Europe.” Mildred intends
to spend months on research before typing the manuscript, and in
the meantime the University press will be waiting in the wings.
“Given the subject matter, this may be his most popular book yet,”
beamed Press Director Janet Nasler, “we are planning a first printing
of 40 copies so that we can keep up with sufficient demand.”
Mildred’s colleagues believe that this is indeed his magnum
opus, but don’t think his book will have a lasting impact on their
field. “Dan is a tremendous guy, a terrific teacher,” said colleague
Professor Margaret Sloane, “but I don’t think his book will have the
gusto of such masterworks as Queefing in the Middle Ages or Blood
Thirsty Pirate Knights, which had tremendous implications for the
field. We never look at those subjects in the same light as we used
to.”
Regardless, Mildred doesn’t write the books for entertainment value or accessibility to the general public, but rather for dense
academic research. “Why would I write a book just to entice people
to read it? It makes absolutely no sense. You write books so you can
write down what you think so that other people can read it, not
want to read it. It’s so simple.”
Plausible: Bill Volk