General Election Cancelled - University Activities Center

Volume 6, Issue 2
one hundred and fourteen years of-oh wait, arenʼt we one hundred and fifteen?
General
Election
Cancelled
Presidency to be Decided by a Game of Hungry Hungry Hippos
At a joint press conferDuring the press conference
ence last Tuesday, President
Bush recounted light-hearted
George Bush and Democratic
stories from his extensive
Presidential Nominee John
training period. “I canʼt tell
Kerry announced they would
you how many times during
forego the traditional method
the first week [Hungry
of choosing a new president
Hungry Hippos advisor Pat]
by public elections in favor
McPheeters told me to push
of a winner-take-all game
down on the Hippos to get
of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
them munching,” said Bush.
According to sources within
“I just wanted to pull them
the Bush administration, the
up, out of their horrible plasPresident began working on
tic prison, and return them to
the plan immediately after
their native, oil-rich tundra.”
taking office in 2000.
Added Bush: “Sometime
“He wanted to learn all
during week three I realized
the ins-and-outs of Hungry
that these are special hippos
Hungry Hippos before
that love freedom, but can
making the plan public,” said
adequately survive on my
a Bush insider. “After nearly
meager offerings of plastic
“I love your housecoat, George,” “Why thank you, John.”
thirteen-hundred days spent
marbles.”
“Let’s be friends, okay? Put this fighting behind us.” “I love
locked up in the Oval Office
McPheeters
described
you, George.” “Thanks.” “No really, I mean it. I love you.”
with only the Hungry Hungry
many parallels between
“Umm, you’re making me uncomfortable, John.”
Hippos
board,
Hungry
the game and the War on
Hungry Hippos advisor Pat McPheeters, and the Presidentʼs pink and yellow hippos are Terror. “The marbles are a symbol for the
a tall glass of rich, chocolatey Ovaltine, heʼs riding an eleven game winning streak,” said stockpiling of chemical and nuclear arms,
got that game down pat.”
one White House official. “The Presidentʼs the forcible seizure of oil reserves, and the
Sources inside the White House are been making tough decision after tough subjugation of women. What we need to do
praising Bushʼs leadership ability. “Under decision out there; heʼs been an inspiration is keep those delicious marbles away from
the Terrorist/Democrat Orange and Green
his watchful eye and skillful strategizing, to watch.”
SEE HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS, PAGE 6
Jesus Tries to Let Jews Down Gently
Messiah Likes Jews; Doesn’t “Like Like” Jews
The fate of Jews for Jesus, an
apostolic Judaic sect and glaring
oxymoron, hangs in the balance
after a confrontation between leaders of the controversial group and
their reluctant deity, Jesus. Taking
time out of His busy schedule of
answering prayers and phoning Mel
Gibson, Jesus met with representatives of Jews for Jesus to clarify the
terms of their tenuous relationship.
Eyewitnesses at the meeting
describe an exasperated, yet gracious Christ. “Youʼre probably wondering why called you here today,”
said Jesus, as he fumbled with the
clasp of his sandals and avoided eye
contact, “So Iʼm just going to come
out and say it. Iʼm flattered that you feel so
strongly about Me, but Iʼd be lying if I said
I could have those feelings for you. I hope
“Jews-they just got no ‘ups,’”
-Jesus
we can still be friends—at least until I damn
you all to an eternity in hell.”
Leaders of Jews for Jesus were taken aback
by Jesusʼ candor. “I really
thought there was some chemistry between us,” said Joshua Halperin, the leader of the Midwest
chapter. “Here Iʼve been, evangelizing my ass off and He wants
to be friends? Man, you crucify
a guy one time and you have to
keep hearing about it for the next
two thousand years.”
Jesus remained firm in his
decision. “Sure, we had a thing
back in 30, but I think we can all
agree it wasnʼt exactly a healthy
relationship—what with all the
bickering and the sentencing Me
to a gruesome, public execution
and whatnot. And donʼt try and
tell Me it was the Romansʼ idea; dammit,
weʼve been through this.”
Leaders of Jews for Jesus were outraged at
SEE “JEWS” FOR JESUS, PAGE 6
October 2004
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
Livestrong
Bracelet Used to
Hold Three Packs
of Newports
Together
CBS Unable
to Verify
Authenticity of
Anchor Woman’s
Tits
Grandpa Lets
Racial Slur Slip in
Front of Biracial
Grandchildren
Contortionist Sex
Scandal Unfolds
Nelly Immediately
Follows Up
Albums “Sweat,”
“Suit” With
Albums “I’m,”
“Sorry”
Icebreaker
Surprisingly
Successful;
Orgy Erupts in
Anthropology
Discussion
Challah Back!
2
More Storms Threaten to
Ass-Rape Florida
Mother Nature, God Hope to Keep Floridians out of Presidential Election
MIAMI, FL- After
whole country got
suffering through Hurscrewed
with
ricanes Charley, FranPresident Monkeyces, and Ivan, residents
Face for the
of Florida and neighbornext four years.
ing states are wonderInstead of waiting
ing whether or not the
to see how they
hectic 2004 Hurricane
can fuck up this
season will offer more
time, Iʼd rather
than a two week respite.
sink the whole
This weekend, the
Goddamned state,
National Weather Serpun intended. Iʼm
vice released a report
better at keepconfirming that more
ing people from
storms are on their way,
the polls than
and that Florida and its
the Republicans
surrounding region can
could ever dream
still look forward to
of being, and I
some Category Three
wonʼt stop at black
level sodomy.
people.”
“Hurricane Season
“Iʼve been comMiami resident Alfonzo Guiermo Sanchez Rodrigo Garcia Lopez is
officially begins on the
pletely absorbed
highly anticipating the pounding to come. “Chu know wha’? It’s
first of June,” said John
by the irony of
beeen a long time since I had a good malestorm,” he said.
Thompson, senior tropthe entire situical analyst with the NWS, “However, since early August, ation,” added Thompson. “Floridaʼs unique geography
beginning with Charley, the Southeast United States has has lent itself to the friendly moniker ʻAmericaʼs Wang.ʼ
suffered through a slew of tropical ass-rapery the likes of Iʼm not saying whatʼs happening to Florida is wrong, per
which Iʼve never seen. Surely, some higher power must se—I know Iʼd get a little horny if my hand was 1,200
have it out for Florida.”
miles from my dick, and the storms have been such attenWhen reached for comment, God confirmed that he tive lovers, making sure to give Louisiana the olʼ reachdid, indeed, have a reason for sending so many hurri- around. Still, one canʼt help but wonder if some states are
canes to Florida.
getting the proverbial shaft (or not getting it, as the case
“Doesnʼt anybody remember what happened during may be) in the tropical storm love-making department. If
the 2000 Election? All of the retards in Florida couldnʼt anything, California should be getting hit by some storms
figure out how to punch a hole through a card, so twenty as well, being shithole that it is. God knows enough bugthousand Jews ended up voting for Pat Buchanan. The gery is going on out there.”
votes took an extra month to count, and in the end the
“I sure as Hell do,” God added.
National News
IN THE NEWS:
Interest Rates Increase, Number of People Who
Know What that Means Decreases
WASHINGTON D.C.—In recent months, the Federal Reserve
has been increasing interest rates, despite recent studies showing
fewer Americans understand what that means and how it affects
their lives.
“This is good right?” said one local woman. “It means the
money in my savings account is worth more, doesnʼt it? I hope so,
because my fiancé and I are planning on buying a house soon.”
The interest rate—the rate at which banks loan each other
money—does not affect everyday Americans because they rarely
loan each other money, but many are unaware of this basic economic principle. Either that or theyʼve lost all their money in
pyramid schemes and have little need for any foundational understanding of the capitalist economy.
“I donʼt see how this concerns me at all,” said Steve Jones, CEO
of Comerica. “You see, my job is to put our company name on
new baseball stadiums for teams that have no reason to build new
baseball stadiums.”
Still, others have strong opinions on the matter. “This is terrible
news,” said local man Jackson Redding. “I am totally against violence directed at women, and when I hear that interest rapes have
gone up, it makes me sick.”
“I donʼt think this is something people should worry about or
even pay attention to,” said Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the
Federal Reserve. “Just go about your lives and spend plenty of
money without regard for where itʼs going or how itʼs ending up
in Halliburton accounts. Remember how I used to bitch about the
deficit? Just forget all that and keep investing money that you donʼt
have. Itʼs not like thereʼs any great historical event that happened
under similar circumstances that would suggest we shouldnʼt.”
Man Gets off Couch to Buy Livestrong Bracelet,
Dime Bag
RICHMOND, VA—Yesterday afternoon, in a rare display of physical exertion involving more than a single arm, sophomore Computer Science student at the University of Virginia, Mario Trezza,
got off his couch to purchase two items from fellow student Franklin Cooper: a yellow “Livestrong” bracelet and a dime bag of marijuana.
“The bracelets are the cool thing to have right now,” said Trezza.
“And boy do I love pot. Let me tell you, the apparent contradiction
in interests is even more difficult to reconcile when youʼre stoned
off your ass.”
Cooper also pondered over the potentially complicated situation.
“Hands!” he said. He then proceeded to giggle for five straight
minutes.
Cooper and Trezza are not the only University students to buy
“Livestrong” bracelets in recent weeks, nor are they the only ones
who seem to have misunderstood the intention of the bracelet.
“Some girl at a party told me she liked my bracelet,” said Gary
Wilkinson, a junior CDB major. “Then we had three straight hours
of unprotected anal sex. Thanks, Livestrong! Oh, and thank you
also, Dynalube.”
“I wear mine while installing asbestos in orphanages!” said Jonathan Sofen, a senior Economics major. “Thanks, Livestrong!”
THE EVERY THREE WEEKLY GUIDE
TO ORPHAN RAPING:
Surely,
you’re not seriously reading
how to rape orphans. You make me sick.
about
Campus News
CAMPUS NEWS:
English Major Can’t Find Angell Hall, Blames
Loss of Falun Dafa Man on Diag
3
“It’s You, Michigan Gay Lumberjacks”
Campaign Met with Disappointment
Attempting to capitalize on the overwhelming success of the
Senior Irene Reich has yet to attend any meetings of her English recent “Itʼs You, Michigan Greeks” campaign, the Michi383 class this semester citing a problem with finding the loca- gan Gay Lumberjacks Association (MGLA) came out with
tion of Angell Hall. The senior English major has had numerous its own pompously catchy slogan last week. So far, the “Itʼs
classes in the building, yet she has no idea where the building is. You, Michigan Gay Lumberjacks” has been a painful disap“Well, the last three years Iʼve always followed the Falun Dafa pointment of Hughley
man,” she said. “He was out there everyday on the Diag, pointing Show caliber.
in the right direction for me to go. I donʼt know where he went!”
“We saw the success
Evan Mantyk, also known as the guy with the white cardboard those slutty bitches
sign that said, “I practice Falun Dafa,” graduated in April after had,” said MGLA
four years as the resident Diag statue. He sat still for hours with President Carl Kroger,
his eyes closed and hands in the air, meditating, and pointing stu- “And we thought,
dents toward Angell Hall. His absence has created a void yet to be hey, weʼre gay, weʼre
filled by a Diag mainstay. First to attempt a substitution has been lumberjacks, people
the Limbless Beggar, whose feeble attempts to point to Angell love us. So we gave
Hall are thwarted by his starvation-fueled exhaustion and lack of it a shot in the mouth.
arms, and who has been repeatedly asked by passersby to “keep Wait, um, make that
his death rattle to himself” as it disturbs “those of us who are just ʻa shotʼ.”
here to learn.”
No one can ques“I need him to come back,” said Reich. “This is Topics in Jewish tion the valiant effort
Literature that Iʼm missing. The professor is going to think Iʼm of these strapping
an anti-Semite, but Iʼm so not. I have the blue shirt and the Juicy lads, but thus far the
sweat suit and the fat ass and everything.”
campaign has been
Without the presence of Falun Dafa, there is a need to find a much less successful than anticipated, with club membership
replacement to continue to guide the clueless at UM. A campus rising from eleven to thirteen.
map or large, arrow-shaped sign have both been proposed and
“Sure the numbers arenʼt where we want them to be,” said
rejected out of hand by campus Republicans, who called the Kroger, “especially considering that weʼre pretty sure neither
arrow “Fascist” and “freedom-hating.” Reich has yet to attend of the new members are real lumberjacks. In fact, I think
English class.
Noel might be a Greco-Roman wrestler. But as long as they
love wacking away at wood, theyʼre fine with us.”
E3W INFORMATION
If nothing less, the “Itʼs You, Michigan Gay Lumberjacks” Campaign has raised awareness about the club around
E3Wreservestherighttoprint,re-print,andmodifyinpartorin
campus.
wholeallsubmissionswithoutthepermissionoftheauthor.
“At first I thought those shirts were a bad, homoerotic joke,”
said LSA sophomore Patrick Lloyd, “but then I noticed this
big, gay lumberjack I had never seen before in my Econ lecFor advice, email: [email protected]
ture. He had on a flannel shirt, tight jeans, and was carrying
Letters to the Editor:[email protected]
an ax. Iʼm surprised I hadnʼt noticed him before; his chest hair
For advertising info: [email protected]
is obscene.”
Fear is not an uncommon reaction to the sight of a gay
For all other comments, concerns
and/or questions, email [email protected]
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lumberjack, but this reaction is something that the MGLA is
trying to do away with.
“We want to make sure that people know that gay lumberjacks are nothing to be afraid of,” said Kroger, “We are normal
students just like you. We go to class, study, and on Wednesdays we go shopping and
eat buttered scones with
tea—Iʼm looking at you,
Martha Cook. Yes, at
night we dress up like
lumberjacks, cut down
trees, and ride each
otherʼs lumber until we
canʼt ride anymore, but
I hardly see how thatʼs
unusual in this day
and age. Timber, baby,
timber.”
The MGLA was established in 2001 after the
U.S. census revealed that
Michigan had the largest
gay lumberjack population in the world, a statistic that has been largely neglected by
the mainstream media. Since then, there has been a statewide
push for gay lumberjack awareness.
“We have to embrace the people of our wonderful state,”
said Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, “Up north it gets
cold in the winter, and I think it is completely reasonable to
see how, after a long day of chopping wood and demonstrating oneʼs physical prowess, in a community full of only men,
deep in the woods, one thing might lead to another. Plus, how
better to practice for the traditional greased-pole climbing
competitions, eh?”
The MGLA has many special events planned for the upcoming months, including Love and Lumber in the Arb, and Paul
Bunyan Day (“All the Blue Balls, None of the Babes”). The
mass meeting will be next Thursday at 7 p.m. at the Michigan
Union. All interested students are asked to wear tight flannel,
bring an ax, and prepare for some heavy lifting.
Even Professor Not Listening to Self
Early Tuesday morning, English professor D. Ralph Stuart
presented a lesson so mind-numbingly boring that even he
failed to pay attention to most of it.
“I stopped listening to myself about ten minutes in and never
looked back,” said Stuart. “Which is a shame, because Iʼm
pretty sure I mentioned that hilarious time during my doctoral
dissertation when I modified a verb with an adjective.”
The lesson, which consisted of Stuart reading aloud a 50page handout on the history of punctuation, bored the ten
students who showed up to class, many of whom later cited
a failure to look at their syllabi as a major contributor to
their decision to attend class. Among Stuartʼs colleagues,
however, the lesson soon gained legendary status.
“We sort of have an ongoing pool,” said fellow English
professor Sara Blair. “Over the years, weʼve come up with
some really boring stuff—Mack [Smith] once analyzed an
entire epic Old English poem aloud in front of a lecture hall,
[Ralph] Williams gave a lecture using only his freakish
hands and the word ʻyeanay,ʼ and John [Whittier-Ferguson]
once pretended he was mute for an entire semester. But this
is one of the all-time greats.”
Others praised specific elements of the lesson.
“Itʼs actually quite elegant and brilliant,” said professor and
critic Jonathan Freedman. “The structure is actually more
interesting than the lesson, ironically. He even inserted parenthetical remarks about parentheses!”
The lesson also contained a brief debate on the necessity of a comma before the final item in a list, a history
of two rival punctuation gangs known as the ʻColonsʼ
and the ʻDashesʼ and a poem written entirely in punctuation.
“Yeah, he stole that from David Foster Wallace,” said
fellow English professor Keith Taylor. “But itʼs still pretty
fucking awesome.”
However, not all of Stuartʼs colleagues were convinced.
“Look at his notes,” said Professor Jennifer Wenzel. “He
wrote verbal pauses into his notes to make his lesson more
boring. In all my years of fraudulent lessons, Iʼve never
seen anything so against the spirit of this competition.”
“Itʼs physically impossible to conjure up that many ʻuhʼs,
ʻlikeʼs, and ʻrightʼs without help,” said Stuart. “No one is
that boring.”
Letters, Contest
4
Letters to the Editor
From: Chaim Schramm <scharch@umich.
edu>
Subject: Letters to the Editors
To whom it may concern:
I am a bit confused by a line in your recent article
about Michael Phelps. You ask him “Do you expect
AT&T subscribers to settle for having reception six
out of every eight minutes?” Huh? I am an AT&T subscriber, and I donʼt understand how you can call that
“settling.” We hope and pray for days where we can get
coverage six minutes out of every eight! On a good day,
we are lucky to get four and a half......
Chaim Schramm
LS&A Junior
You selfish bastard. Why are you wasting your
prayers on this self-serving nonsense when everyday the television is flooded with news reports about
starving children and gross injustice? Obviously, your
prayers are needed elsewhere—to bring back more
Seinfeld reruns so TVʼs not such a downer. Also, can
people stop addressing these things with “To Whom it
May Concern”? What are we, the cable company? Or
is it just that you canʼt remember our names, you suave,
international playboy?
From: Mitchell Keith Bloch
<[email protected]>
Subject: Unable to attend mass
meeting
E3W: Megan, Joe Ferrentino, etc...
Unfortunately something has come up that has
made it difficult for me to attend the mass meeting. I
hope that we can find another way for me to effectively
join the E3W staff and learn whatever it is that I am
missing by not attending the meeting.
-Mitchell
Dearest Mitchell Keith Bloch, of the Rhode Island
Blochʼs who Traveled Ever so Far from Winnepeg
during One Frostbitten January Day During the War
of 1812—
Unfortunately, I doubt we shall ever fi nd an effective
way for you to join our little staff. You must beat the
Water Temple and save the princess just like everyone
else. Get to it.
From: Allen Montz <amontz@UTNet.
Utoledo.edu>
Subject: [no subject]
From: Phil Drazewski <phildraz@umich.
edu>
Subject: i love fucking cookies
the michigan every three weekly,
hey yeah i really am a huge fan of the cookie. i like
all cookies, but mostly the cinnamon raisen. or maybe
the snickerdoodle. yeah that definately is a great piece
of dough. a lot of people like the chocolate chip cookie.
i have nothing against it... i just think there are a lot of
other great varieties people need to investigate. to be
frank- the chocolate chip cookie is
overated. except maybe in milk. man. yeah i cant
bust on the chocolate chip cookie. all cookies dominate.
Peace out, hoes.
sincerely, phil drazewski
Why canʼt the Every Three Weekly be the Every
Twice a Weekly? I need to laugh more you insensitive
fucks.
Well, Allen, since you asked so nicely… The E3W
comes out once a month because it is very time consuming to write the stories, and all the writers are
very busy with their girlfriends and killer parties and—
whatʼs that guys? Really, you neither? Oh, thank God,
This Group Project Would Be a Lot Less Awkward
if I Hadn’t Peed On You Freshman Year
By Matt Hauer,
Senior
I thought I was the only one on staff alone and crying
myself to sleep.
Iʼm not exactly sure if a satirical newspaper is the
correct forum to discuss your cookie fetish, but… Phil,
you really need to be careful. I mean, sure the sex is
great, but think of the consequences of your actions.
For Godʼs sake, man, one day youʼre going to fi nd
yourself with monthly outbreaks of rainbow sprinkles,
and then where will you be? Well, probably still hanging around bakeries, being a perv.
Look, I don’t know if you remember me,
and I’m hoping you don’t. But just in case
you do, I’m really sorry about not calling
you that time back during freshman year.
This shouldn’t really be a problem. I know
we’re both mature enough to write this
PolishHistoryreportwithoutitcomingup,
but I thought, since I might still be bothering you, I should apologize. I know I didn’t
call, but I was a little embarrassed about
the whole situation and I just acted like a
child. For that I’m sorry. It was immature
of me not to call and see if you wanted to
go out again after that night I peed on you.
By the by, sorry about the urine, too. It’s
just, you know, I drank a fuckload of beer
and the bed was so warm and comfortable
with both of us in it. Coincidentally, I’m
also sorry that my hallmates have spent
the last three years addressing you publicly, with impressive volume, as “The Girl
that Matt Peed on.” I’m really trying to
get them to stop. But it’s great to see you,
especially great to see you when you’re not
screaming at me and mopping my pee off
of yourself. Oh, shoot, I think I’m blowing
up. Can you hold on? Thanks. Hello? No,
yeah, I’m at a group project. Polish History. MypartnerMaggie. Yeah,fromfreshman year. Yes, that one. I know, what’re
the odds? Hahahaha. What’s that? No, I
will not call her that. Because it’s not her
name, you jerk. Ok, Assballs, I’ll talk to
you later. Alright, sorry, should we get
started then?
staff
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Megan Ganz
ASSOCIATE EDITORS
Charley Crissman
Joe Ferrentino
Ben Stein
Nathan Sterken
LAYOUT/DESIGN EDITOR
Jeff Nover
ONLINE EDITOR
Dave Miller
STAFF WRITERS
Erin Burgoon
Chris Kammerer,
Steve Lake, Jake Meyer,
Julia Nachman, Joseph Raisanen,
Anthony Ristow,
Lisa Wood, Joyce Wu,
Courtney Young, Casey Curtis,
Paul Feinstein, Jeremy Fogel,
Yael Granader, David Guzman,
John P. Norris, Joseph Ruple,
Justin Wynn
ARTS STAFF
Jeremy Bronson, Bill Couch,
Rachel Bullock, James Rocker
EDITORS EMERITI
Rich Cantley, Mike Chu, Brian Cook,
Carl P. Grant, Paul Malewitz,
Amol Parulekar, Claire Stano
5
Features & Editorials
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t
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1) Ground your costume in reality: If
you’re a date rapist, go as a football
player.
2) Apparently, all girls must go as
some kind of slut. If you were planning
on going as an angel, slut it up a bit. If
you’re going as my ex-girlfriend, you
should be OK.
3) If you happen to have the ability to
turn your still-beating heart into a lump
of coal, go as a B-school graduate. Or,
if you can turn a $120,000 education
into habitual unemployment, go as a
Magician or an English major.
4) If the Store is out of devil costumes,
remember that a Dick Cheney costume
is an adequate substitute. Ditto for
John Kerry Costume as substitute Flaccid, Impotent Penis Costume.
5) Do you feel like Vampires and Jason
Voorhees are tired ideas? This year, try
more creative, abstract costumes like
“Time,” “Music,” or “A Day in the Life of
Chlamydia.”
re
ad
yin
gy
ou
rh
allo
wee
n costume
t
o
6) Forced to take siblings trick-or-treating? Try creating some fun paired costumes. And remember, no matter how
much your four year-old brother complains about the suit you made for him,
real robots don’t have air holes.
7) It’s all about details when it comes
to a great Halloween costume. Dressing like Cruella Deville? Don’t forget
the cigarette holder. Going as Billy Bob
Thornton? Carry along a replica of the
Oscar he uses to beat women.
6
The Benefits and
Pitfalls of a Global
Market Economy
Other News
from
HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS
, pg.1
hippos, so that they can be hoarded, I mean, “kept safe” by
the Patriot hippos.”
Bush interjected that he believes the plastic hippos are a
metaphor for real hippos.
by Mandy Rhoades, Soccer Mom
Hungry Hungry Hippos—touted by toy manufacturer
With a world of unprecedented technological advances Milton Bradley as “the ideal first game,” whose only requiredrawing the economies of nations ever closer, we must not ment is “one repetitive movement to start the hippos munchhesitate to, Rodney… No, Rodney. No. Get it out of her hair. ing”—has never been used to decide the fate of the free world.
I said out! I swear if I have to pull this van over and come Reaction to the plan has been varied, hailed as courageous by
back there you will be sorry, mister. Thatʼs better. Now just some while condemned as foolish by others. Everyone agrees,
stay on your side and look out the window until we get there. however, that having the two candidates play a game created
As I was saying, like it or not, the effects of globalization are for preschoolers and the mentally deficient is certainly a step
in motion and rather than oh no. Amanda, what was that? A up in class and professionalism.
juice box? Where? On the seat? What flavor? Fruit punch?
“I donʼt think our nationʼs forefathers would be pleased,”
Shit, right after I cleaned the car…no, no, Iʼm sorry kids. I said Teresa Tomasimo, mother of two. “They would have preknow that was a bad word. You know you should never say ferred a more sophisticated electoral method, like a game of
that word, right? Ok, good. Mommy is very sorry. What was Crossfire.”
I saying? Oh right, that the fledgling industrial systems of
Mrs. Tomasimoʼs son, second-grader Timmy Tomasimo,
developing nations demand the capital and time of wealth- expressed the opposite view.
ier nations in order to oh my word what is that smell? Billy
close your lunchbox. Didnʼt I tell you to clean it out? How
from
long has that baloney been in there? A week? Oh my God,
kids, open your windows or Iʼm going to be sick. Maybe we Christʼs denial. “This guy used to welcome any yahoo with
should do this another time. When the kids are at school? some holy water and a rosary,” said Halperin, “But soon as
How is next Tues…oh great, why is he crying? What have I he gets a movie deal, Heʼs suddenly too good to run with the
told you about punching that?
kosher crowd? Maybe if we were all blind lepers with con-
“Hungry Hungry Hippos sucks,” said Tomasimo. “My little
brother Tucker wonʼt even play that, and he eats his own shit.”
Added Tomasimo: “Did I say brother? I meant dog.”
Tomasinoʼs DogBrother could not be reached for comment,
though he has filed a libel suit against Tommy.
Senator Kerry agreed to the plan after recent polling data
indicated his chances to assume the presidency through a
legitimate election are slim to none. “If you canʼt beat ʻem,”
said Kerry, “Hungry Hungry Hippos ʻem.” Reacting swiftly
to the change in format, Swift Boat Veterans have already
released a commercial accusing Kerry of giving his hippos
performance enhancing drugs to increase their munching
abilities.
Despite President Bushʼs rigorous training regimen, Hungry
Hungry Hippos experts have labeled Kerry the early favorite,
counting on him to be well versed in the quick up-and-down
hand motions needed to excel at the game thanks to his nineyear marriage to the legendarily unattractive Teresa Heinz
Kerry.
“JEWS” FOR JESUS
The Sims to Release
Next Installment in
War on Human Contact
“The Sims: Healthy Social Interaction”
Anticipated by Shut-ins Everywhere
LOS ANGELES, CA—The creator of “The Sims” computer
games and savior of social rejects everywhere, Will Wright,
has announced the release date of the newest spin-off: “The
Sims: Healthy Social Interaction.” Wright believes the new
game, which will finally rid every last human of the unpleasantness of direct sunlight, will fill a gap left by the first three
or four hundred versions of “The Sims.”
“It is simply unacceptable that, in this day and age, a man
cannot go more than two weeks without having to interact
with another, filthy human being,” said Wright during an
interview conducted with his Sims persona, a handsome
man with chiseled features, a full head of hair, and six, elaborately decorated mansions. “Whatʼs worse, some of them
are even forced to interact with actual women. I, thankfully, have never had such a horrific experience, though my
sources tell me they have ten arms and can shoot lasers out
of their eyeballs.”
Wright was enthusiastic about his most recent creation,
which will allow players to engage in simulated versions of
common interactions they might experience in their daily
life, if their daily life included leaving their parentsʼ basement.
“Now you can buy gasoline, get a cup of coffee, or remain
awkwardly silent on a long elevator ride without the annoyance of speaking aloud or feeling the warm touch of another
living, breathing being. They are trying to read your thoughts,
you know. I wonʼt let them. I wonʼt—ah! Youʼre one of them!
Youʼll never penetrate my couch cushion fort, you Normie!”
nections at Miramax, then Heʼd give us the time of day. Man.
And people talk about Him like He walks on water. Whatʼs
He, like, one-third of God? Whoop-de-fucking-doo.”
“Itʼs just hard to know who your real friends are after you
have some success in Hollywood,” said a distraught Jesus. “I
mean, two thousand years ago I was ʻGoyim-boyʼ and ʻJ.C.
the Gentile.ʼ Now Iʼve got My own wall at Blockbuster and
disciples coming out of the woodwork. ʻOh, Jesus, Iʼve always
, pg.1
accepted You as my Messiah. Honest. Even when You were
underground.ʼ Yeah, sure. Not one single Jew has bothered
to pick up the phone in the past two millennia and give Me a
simple ʻOur bad.ʼ Their loss because if they had, they could
have been eating pork and murdering abortionists by now.”
Halperin has announced he and other “Jews” have plans
to dispose of all their Jews for Jesus related material and
enter into contract negotiations with the elusive and illogical
Holy Ghost next week.
All attempts to contact Jesusʼ mother, Mary, for her opinions on Jews for Jesus were unsuccessful, as she was far too
busy appearing to poor Mexican children in Guadelajara.
Freshmen Yet to Realize Everyone Is
Making Fun of Them
Those Not Making Fun of Them Are Wishing They Were Dead
Sources reported Tuesday that,
Lindsay finds out sheʼll be way
while most freshmen classes
jealous, but after I told one of
realize that every other person,
the guys that I was Irish he
animal, and plant within a threemixed me a special shot he
mile radius of Markley hates
learned how to make when he
them with a fiery passion and
was studying abroad in Ireland
wishes they were dead during
and gave it just to me.”
the first few weeks of school, the
Chris Friedemann, the owner
class of ʼ08 has yet to catch on.
of the house visited by Robert“Everyone is so nice here!” said
son and OʼCorrain, had a differFreshman Mackenzie Robertson,
ent take on the encounter.
resident of 5324 Blagdon House.
“Dude, did you see what that
“This weekend some of my hallone chick drank?” said Friedemates and I went to a party and the
mann. “I mixed Popov, warm
guys living there sold us all cups
PBR, and barbeque sauce in a
for only $5 each because weʼre
shot glass, told her it was from
new, and then they showed us how
Ireland, and then she drank the
to hold them between our shoulder
whole thing! God, if fucking
blades!”
with dumbass freshmen wasnʼt
This kid fucking sucks.
Lindsay OʼCorrain, resident
so fun Iʼd probably just kill
of 5326 Blagdon house, echoed Robertsonʼs enthusiasm them all out of spite.”
over the amiable nature of their fellow students.
Added Friedemann: “Thinking about it now, I still
“I probably shouldnʼt be telling you this, because if probably should.”
Look at This!
Navarre Granted 6th Year of Eligibility
Students Rejoice at Storied QB’s Reinstatement
The struggling Michigan football team
received good news Friday, when former Michigan quarterback and loveable scapegoat John
Navarre was cleared by the NCAA for a sixth
year of college eligibility. The Wolverine legendʼs return is expected to propel Michigan back
into the national title hunt.
“Iʼm looking forward tremendously to getting
John back on the field,” said coach Lloyd Carr.
“His tremendous laser-like accuracy and catlike
reflexes give us a tremendous amount of options
behind our o-lineʼs tremendous asses.”
Students around the Ann Arbor campus are
also welcoming back Navarre.
“John Navarre is the greatest QB in Michigan history,” proclaimed LS&A junior Daniel
Baldwin. “Iʼve always been a huge Navarre fan.
Other people blamed him for all our teamʼs problems, but I saw through all that. Even when I was
sitting in front of the television screaming, ʻFuck
you Navarre, youʼre the worst fucking quarterback, nay, human being to ever walk this campus.
If you canʼt throw worth a damn, at least try run“John Navarr-rre, play fooowoot-ball?”
ning faster than an asthmatic duck.ʼ I still considered him an amazing athlete.”
Under true freshman Chad Henneʼs leadership,
the Wolverines struggled their way to a 3-1 record, losing to
“Sure, I used to drop Navarreʼs passes, and we didnʼt
Notre Dame and barely surviving against San Diego State. always click on the field,” said Edwards. “But thereʼs a
“Having Navarre back should help our offense move the familiarity to that failure thatʼs lacking with Henne. Someball downfield,” noted an anonymous student, identifying times, when I drop his passes, I get a cold, lonely feeling
himself only as “Jason Avant”, “At least Navarre used to deep in my soul that makes me yearn for the days when
throw me the ball on third down. Has anybody fucking Navarre and I used to frolic through the Arb, or when we
noticed that I was our most consistent receiver last year? used to stay up late swapping secrets. Chad and I never
Who do I have to blow to get some balls thrown my way? talk like that.”
Oh. Really? Just the offensive coordinator?”
Noted Classics professor Ralph Williams is also looking
Other members of the team, including Michigan wide forward to Navarreʼs return.
receiver Braylon Edwards, seem enthusiastic about “To see this conquering hero, this true victor of victors,
Navarreʼs return.
assume his rightful place will be a most glorious day for
That Guy Sitting Two Rows In Front of
You
Loves
the
Cock
And Not in an, “It’s okay because he’s actually gay and there’s nothing wrong with that;
in fact, my father is Gay” way, but rather a, “God, he’s such a fucking cocksucker” way
That Guy who sits two rows in
ing better to do; b) heʼs the only one
front of you in Political Science 365
there; and c) he loves the cock.
is repeating everything you say, only
These encounters probably go
doing so louder and faster than you
something like this:
originally did, claiming credit for all
That Guy: “Oh, professor, Iʼm
of your contributions to class.
having problems with this concept,
“Wow, Iʼd never thought of it that
maybe if I suck your dick for a few
way,” said the Professor in response
hours it will impart me with knowlto one of That Guyʼs louder and faster
edge.”
echoes of your comments. “Keep up
Professor: “Not now Nick, my
the good work Nick!”
eight-year-old son is standing right
That Guy clearly attends office
next to you.”
hours on a regular basis, as indicated
That Guy: “Oh, so you want me to
by the Professorʼs use of his first
do him first?”
name. During these visits he probProfessorʼs eight-year-old son:
ably orally services the Professor because, a) he has noth- “My special place! My special place!”
our hallowed institution. I await anxiously the
chance to see yonder pigskin fly most magnificently from his strong hands, and soar weightlessly through the air like an eagle. Anon, our
hero will gracefully dash with such ease and
aplomb as to make the worries of a nation gently
dissipate into the ʻoohsʼ and ʻahhsʼ of this love
affair known as football. Do you follow me,
class? Yea, nay?”
Not everyone on campus, however, is welcoming the news of Navarreʼs reinstatement. With the
Wisconsin-native back in town, Michigan basketball center Graham Brown will lose his title of
“Most Neanderthal-esque Wolverine Athlete”.
Brown issued the following statement: “Me
angry. Smash.”
Another athlete who stands to lose from
Navarreʼs return is Henne, who had been running
the team “not very tremendously,” according to
an anonymous team source. However, the freshman remained optimistic in light of the news.
“I feel that Navarre has a lot to teach me,” said
Henne. “How to run an offense, how not to shit
myself during games, how to get cheerleaders
into bed, the usual. Maybe some ass-slapping,
too, I donʼt know.”
The NCAAʼs decision came as a shock to Navarre, who did
not apply for reinstatement and has been playing professional
football for the Arizona Cardinals.
“It was a bit of a surprise at first,” said Navarre, “but when
you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. I worked hard
to ensure my legacy on Michiganʼs football team, putting in
long hours at practice and longer hours on my knees in the
offensive coordinatorʼs booth.”
In other NCAA news, Colorado wide receiver Jeremy
Bloom was shot twice in the back of the head for his request
to continue playing college football after receiving a skiing
endorsement.
that’s a spicy meat-a-ball!