The clerihew is a bit of rhyming doggerel invented by Edmund

The clerihew is a bit of rhyming doggerel invented by Edmund
Clerihew Bentley (1875-1956).
Traditionally, it's a four-line verse made up of two rhyming couplets,
with meter intentionally (often ridiculously) irregular.
Its purpose is to offer a satiric or absurd biography of a famous person.
Here are collections of clerihews Jasper Rose gave to friends for
Christmas 2002, 03, 04 and 05, reproduced now c/o Sydney Afriat
(without permission) for the sake [sic] of others
02
A few Musical Clerihews
for Christmas
03
A Few Frivolous Clerihews
for
The Festive Season 2003
04
Cunning Clerihews
To Stuff a Sock or Two
Christmas 2004
05
B9 & 4 tun 8
CLERIHUS 4 XMAS
Jasper Rose
His wont to compose
When not yet again a picture
Would have to be another stricture
Can anyone do better?
Please try!
Submit Rose or other Competition entries to
[email protected] or [email protected]
A few Musical Clerlhews
for Christmas
Pablo Cas81s
FMnz
liked to play with his pals.
They said: Hey there' Fellow!
Bow that Bach on your 'cello.
Died in a last creative spurt.
His repute was undiminished
By the symphony he left unfinished.
Edvard Oriel
Joined the Nordic League
WhenIbsenasked: "00 be a doll
And rustle up some music for my troll.-
Sca1attl
Wrote a fugue Maestoso, batty,
He collaborated with his cat !
Now how about that !
w. a. '-.,art
JANACEK
Loathed high tech,
And would not let his Cunning Vixen frisk
Thought Ethnic was smart
$0, for him a Rondo alia Turca:
- For
Chopin the Mazurka.
S~
On any kindof plasticdisk.
-.El1IV8
Cast a magical spell
On Mother Goose
For the Ball«t~
Ru~
Kurt WeDl
Had style!
With librettos by Bert Brecht
He belonged to the ELECT.
Heil ! Herr Direktor Richard Strauss!
His operas so Schon, so Marvellous!
Tone Poems too. Many, Many Thanks!
For Till EulensDiaae/sMerrv Pranks!
John Philip Sousa
Rlriplt YGlfgltan WIlIiCUtIS
Sang while riding on the trams
With sundry traffic thunders blending
He intoned the "Lark Ascending."
Some use a metronome to mark
The gigues and sarabandes of Bach
A practice which spells utter ruin
Opined Yehudi M.nuhin.
As a conductor Zabin ~.-bfa
Takesrankas a firstraterI
Fromhis shape, I'd guess,at eating
He wouldalso take somebeating.
ChxISTopba
.~w~
Favours Irish Bogwood
For it endows all transverse flutes
With ancient and melodious toots.
Abbe Llszt
Smashed his fist
On a precious pianoforte'
( And did other things as naughty! )
WFeltx
Mendelssohn
Had lived to play the saxophone
His 'Midsummer Night's Dream'
Would be reckoned MAINSTREAM.
Brahm.Ala rms
Better to bore
Like Louis Spohr
Carl Maria von Weber
When he went into labour
Delivered a Concerto: and, you bet,
He composed it for the clarinet'
For many years Composer -
Luciano Pavarotti
Drove the soccer fans quite dotty
Singing operatic snatches
At world cup football matches.
Remained
the rage.
Was bittedby a bruiser.
Henceall the appallinggroans
Emittedby his Sousaphones.
I
His silences (4 mins) were purest gOI~;
His noises were what left one cold!
A few Frivolous clerihews
for
1:taefestive Se4son20°3
I
SMA~,
Ct~c,otIM.ttt.:
.sa~ aow~ o~ ASttttt
Afra.:d kt mi.eht ~Lt
I~ A ~Lt.
WilliamDyce
MadehisMadonnaslookeversonice
But17
d ratherhavePe~ll BaX
At theendof theday.
Klossowskide Rola,'Balthus',
Kept a phallico-calico puss;
And taught him how his tail to twirl
At every passing nubile girl.
En~lish Philoso~hers
ThomasHobbes,Malmesburiensis
In Disputation never rushed his fences
He'd snap a syllogism with a crunch
And settle down to a long late lunch.
ITJiru~~6eno£es
'Duncan's,~~s,
c{M's Vane.ssa
9£
'MDOTe
Wassure
Wasfree with herJr...Ii[yfawurs,
'TIie onfy thine that matteredto mankind
6(I;Ss
fter 1
Was 'states of minJJ.
So; she was the girl on toy
'At the0metj4~FIO)'.
Jolin Stuan Mill
Found tile /fji! of tk mind decidedly chill
F 0~ animolil'elting on Women :r Subjeaio n
He azme lip with a purely mental eret:tiJn I
lo/uz M aynalri Xt:yneJ
Suffered tile u.nN1/pzn.ry pain.r
Ti/ aPn.r dL Dp;ux wit/z .lopoklova
Landedhimin clo~
...
At Still LifesRogerFry
Would try, and try, and try /
But no amount of elbow grease
Resultedin a masterpiece
Andrea Verocchio
Sells well in Tokyo
Ever since Sony
Promoted the Plastic Colleoni.
~e_i.c.5Vt.M.ts
SAd I ~~
}:)e1.~t'\.9
ok 1 what
stet... I
Lw.~LowCQ.stLtt~td
One day MBIY Fedden
k£Sc-AYety.
A 'f)Lt1:j thAt kt ~i.a tI\.otsti..c.R.
To 'pA~t'\.9 gtrls o~ 'pi,trst~ wALberswi.c.k..
StanhopeForbes
Concoctedsomefantasticdaubs
Gettingfishergirlsto play the fool in
Victorian Newlyn
Woke up feeling awfully leaden,
Bm by mid afternoonshecameto the boil,
And knocked ofIthree gouachesand a
sizeableoil.
Amadeo Modigliani
Courted girls through a mixture of good looks
and blarney;
When he added booze and hard drugs to the blend
That spelt the EN D .
Questionsof Attribution
Grumbledand grunted, Giorgione;
"This modemsd1olarshipis all baloneyl"
It's mine, not Titian's, TheconcertCham~l
tlU just a jumpedup ~tit maitre"
NicholasHawksmo~
...
JacksonPollock
Worshippedno God but only Molochl
GreatI loot from an ego trip
With a dripl
Said; -Maybe Vanbrogh talks mo~
BUt donor let Blenheim bewilder
Yon -1 was dle builder. W
Prirnili!d,tSaa kina:
Douanier Rousseau
Tbou.gbnaif. wasa Pro.
Goodnessonly knowses
How unlike GrandmaMoses.
Sebastiana del Piombo
Came.a cropper, cooking up a combo
A madly ambitious plan -
Alfred Wallis,ancientseaman,
Wascapturedby a paintingdemon
Andbecamethe ocean'sbard
Capturingits beauty on stray scraps
of card.
Michelangelo as 'ideas manr
Georgia O'Keefe
Lost all self belief
When she could not find the pistil
In her thistle.
George Stubbs
SUffered innumerable snubs. From critics who thought that painting
the horse
Was indescribably coarse.
Architectural Extras
I'
C. R. MacIntosh
Made tea drinking posh
At Mrs. CranStOn's,
~nishing care.
I
Perched,ona tall "oockeddesignerc",ir.
In ranking his work, Le Corbusler
Grew choosier and choosier;
~illa Savoie? Superbe! Ronchamp? O.K.!
Chandlgargh?
Malheureusement- a bit belowpar!*
Sir John Soane
Emitted an almighty posthumousgroan For what Posteritydid to his Bank
STANK!
-
Lawrence Alma Tadema, shortened
to Tad,
Was halfway between a gent and a cad,
In the Tepidarium keeping secret vigils
He painted Roman bimbos, brandishing..
their strigils.
A Last Judgement
MichelangeloBuonarotd
Drove severalRoman Pontiffs potty;
Medici,dellaRm-ere~
Faroese!
TOT:A.IMENTE CRAZY!
Yessir! Michelangelo
Made that there ceiling GLOW!
If all ~ get Isa crick in the neck
Well- WHATTHE HECK!
~
!6~
a:w~
~ ICtJtI;#"
a' ~
4W'
IL.,
611~ 2001:
IrisMurdock
Neversufferedfrom'writers'block'
It maysoundsnitty
Butthatwasa pfty.
+
R;
John Constable
Flungfiddleson the lawn-sogoes the fable
It wouldhave been a tallerorder
bolder.
Toplant,withpianos,theherbaceous
H,G,Wells
Neverstoppedin cheaphotels:
.As THEpopularnovelistit befits
MEto retaina suiteat theR/7Z"
WilliamMorris(his friendscalledhim Topsy)
Wasnabbedby a lovely Oxfordpopsy
But, beingJaney Burden,she'dnotgiveup
L.S.Lowry
thehunt
Stayedindoorswhen it was show'ry
But nevercouldresist
SaltfordianSnXJg
or Mancunianmist.
Till she'd corneredRossettiand nabbed
Scawen
Blunt
~
t
,
~
The two Sitwellscribblers,Osberland Sach~J
No doubt,had a cerlaincachet
But 'IIhenyou add Edith, Sitwellscribblerthe
third,
Theresult's
patentlyabSurd.
Claude
Hated when it snowed.
It had to be sunny
For his money.
Sir WalterScott
Wrotequitea ht.
Buta nowl a day
Keptthecreditorsat bay.
MIS.EdithWharlon
Gothermotoringcoateecaughton
Herchauffeursgogg/es.FrantiG
HenryJames
CalledthefXJOf
chapsomefrightfulnames.
WhenMIS.WoolfwasIMngE.M.Forster
MostcordiallyendolSed
her
But,equivocally,
shookhishead
Whenshewasdead.
Of l.uckSamuelPepys
Had heapsand heaps:
Survivingthe Bubonic
In '65 was supersonic.
Sittingin his car John Piper
Adjustedhis windscreenwiper.
~at a pain!
Paintingthe rain AGAIN!
MaybeJ.KRowling
Is equallybadat battingandbowling
Butherpublishers(Bloomsbury)with
bountiful
batches
of HarrYPo'tte~
heidOOto
sOmeSuperslip
.
catches.
Sir T1KJm8s Lawrence
Viewed faces with growing abho"8nce:
It Ratherthan fashion anothershinning eye,
~
Another plumppink ClJeek,I'd muchrather
d' 11
Ie,
4,
PoorBrune/leschi!
Designingdotne$ drovehim pesky
BarbaraPym
Induk}edherutnKJst
whim
Eatingtonsof applecrumble
Buyingloadsof lovelyJUMBLE.
Foolingwithonepointperspective
Provided8 rorredive.
DonatoBramante
Uppedthe architectural
~
OfferingRome
A hemispherical
dome.
BaJdasssare
Longhena!
Lifeenhancer!Lifesustainer!
Wedrinkto yourandVenice's~
A workof quitetranscendent
beauty.
ArthurWaley
Practicedideogramsdaily
Buthisreactionsweremorethan
calligraphic
Snarledupin rushhourtraffic.
Richard Rogers
l
Provedto be theprinceof badgers:
THEMILLENIUM
DOMEgoodgrie"
Justanotherburgerwithoutanybeef!
Bonifaziode' Pitate
(A nameintolerablyarty)
Wasjust a Venetiansecondrater
- perhaps-a topicehockeyskater!
ParisBordone
Neverdrew,or rode,a pony
Orstraddledanykindof horse:
A Venetianladof course.
PoetLaureatesEnough
I
RobertBridges
K~pthisice creamin a hundredfridges.
It'~a littleknownfactthat TUTTIFRUTTI
In~piredhis TESTAMENTOFBEAUTY.
AndrewMotion:
Doeshe weartoomuchhairlotion?
He'dbettergivehisheada rinse
Beforehe writesaboutthePRINCE!
TedLeureateHughes
Is alwaysin thenews
Butonlyas theaften11ath
OFSYLVIAPLATH!