Julia`s - Get It Here - Queer As Folk Fanfictions

Julia’s (Joolesbritin)
QAF FanFictions
Sons & Mothers, Sons & Lovers
Brian’s Mother arrives at the loft unannounced, finding him with Justin. Brian has to deal with his feelings
after his Mother discovers his sexuality.
Chapter 1
Brian closed the door to the loft, with the hum of the descending elevator and his Mother's words still ringing in his
ears. "You're going to Hell!"
With Brian dressed only in jogger bottoms and Justin in his shorts, it didn't take a genius to work out what was
going on here and Joan Kinney was certainly no genius.
Suddenly confronted with her son and his young male lover, Joan's venom had quickly surfaced. This went against
all she knew and understood. Her strong, inflexible religious upbringing did not allow for this kind of revelation.
Brian - her son, her successful, handsome son: how could he? How could he do this to her!
"It's a sin and you're going to Hell!" - these were the words she left him with, refusing to discuss the matter further,
turning on her heels to retreat back home, to find comfort in the best thing available next to God - the sherry bottle.
“Jesus!” – the word had escaped Justin’s lips before he’d had a chance to check himself.
He was standing in the middle of the floor; the enormity of what had just happened suddenly hit him.
“I’m sorry Brian – I didn’t mean to cause you any trouble”. Justin moved towards him, intending to touch him, to
comfort him, but Brian neatly sidestepped away; away from Justin and from the matter in hand - a skill he'd honed
to perfection.
"So what? Why the fuck should I care what she thinks of me…… It’s OK Justin. It doesn’t matter. I guess she
would have found out sooner or later. So, now she knows. Come on, we’d better get ready. We said we’d be over at
Deb’s by 7.30”.
Brian retreated to the shower, to try and wash away that feeling of rejection that always surfaced whenever he’d
been around either of his parents.
But the truth of the matter was - Brian did care. All those years of putting up walls and defences to keep everyone
out; all the times he'd said "the only person you need is yourself". He'd said this over and over so many times he'd
actually started to believe it. But who wouldn't want or need a Mother’s love: the woman who bore you, who would
protect you like a lioness protects her cubs. The one person you should always, would always be able to count on, no
matter what you did, who you were, who you had become, the bond that could never be broken or questioned. But
the truth was Joan had never been a Mother in the true sense of what most people know a Mother to be.
As far back as Brian could remember, there had never been any hugs, any cuddles or comfort. No checking to see
how her young son was doing. Never asking "how was school today?" "You made the soccer team! Well that's great
news!"
Even when Jack, Brian's Father, would pick on him after a night out bowling with the guys or drinking down at the
social, for no reason other than he was there; and had had the audacity to have even been born. Or when Brian had
escaped to another woman's house for sanctuary, another kid's Mother looking out for her son. Not even this had
seeped into Joan Kinney's conscience. And now, here he was a grown man - grown up without her even noticing and
a homosexual. No, this did not happen in Joan Kinney's neat little world.
The ride over to Deb’s house would take 20 minutes or so, give or take traffic, but it was the longest ride there that
Justin could remember. He’d tried to make light conversation, but Brian replied with one-word answers or just
nodded or shook his head.
“Shit – how could she say that – his own Mother?” Mentally, Justin went over the relationship he had with his own
Mom and thanked God he had her. Though Jennifer was still struggling to come to terms with his sexuality and lifestyle, Justin knew she would always love him, always be there for him. She would never turn her back and walk
away from him like Brian’s Mother had.
They arrived outside the Novotny’s just as Michael crossed the street. Ben was at a faculty meeting tonight, so
Michael was on his own. He didn’t really mind too much. His Mother always managed to embarrass him one way or
another in front of his boyfriend.
‘Boyfriend’ - Michael was still getting used to that, but the more he heard it, the more he liked it. Maybe now Ben
was in is life, Michael would no longer cling to the hope that one day, he and Brian would be together.
The look on Brian’s face immediately told Michael all was not how it should be.
“Hi Justin, Brian. What’s up Bri – you look like shit?”
“Well, fuck you too, Mikey”.
Michael and he had never been on the best of terms, but even so, Justin did not want Michael to think that somehow
he was to blame for Brian’s mood, so he told him what had happened earlier.
“His Mom showed up at the loft today and caught us”.
“Doing what?” Christ, Michael could be so clueless at times.
“Playing Scrabble – what do you think!” barked Brian sarcastically.
Michael blinked, finally getting it: “Oh!”
Starting up the path to the front door, Brian turned back to face them: “It’s no big deal – she woulda found out
anyway I guess and, surprise, surprise – I’m going to Hell! Now, get your asses inside before Debbie comes out and
drags us in”.
As Brian took the steps up to the house two at a time, Michael put his hand on Justin’s arm to hold him back. “Is he
OK?” he whispered. Justin shrugged: “Who knows what’s going on in his head right now. Fuck if I do”.
Supper was the usual Debbie Novotny fayre – enough to feed the entire Airborne Division and still have enough
leftovers to satisfy a pack of hungry Steelers after a brisk workout! “Christ, was I ever grateful for these meals”,
thought Brian.
The evening was pleasant; a group of people who genuinely liked each other, but even so Brian's mood did not go
undetected by those present. Sure he was polite, joined in the conversation when he had to, but where were the
sarcastic remarks and barbed comments? This was not the Brian they were used to.
Jennifer insisted that she and Justin at least clear the dishes from the first course away and all agreed they needed a
little rest before even thinking about embarking upon dessert!
Brian watched whilst Debbie and Michael joined Justin and Jennifer, all standing in a little group in the kitchen,
totally unaware that Brian was taking such an interest in them – how relaxed they looked, these Mothers and their
sons, all chatting and laughing together.
“Debbie, the Earth-Mother,” thought Brian. So totally accepting of her own son’s sexuality. More accepting
sometimes than even Michael wished she was. She’d been the one who told Michael he was gay so as not to put him
through the pain it would have meant for him to tell her himself.
Working shifts as a waitress at the Liberty Diner, Debbie got to know most of the gay kids in the area and they all
came to her – “You got parent trouble honey?” - “Is that boyfriend of yours treating you right?” With her red hair,
loud (and not always pretty) mouth, tee-shirts with rude slogans and covered with Gay Pride and “My gay son
makes me so proud” buttons, she was there for all of them, with a kind word and sound advice and not there just for
the kids either.
Even Jennifer: breeding, money and a queer son. Yes, she’d struggled at first, had even tried to keep him and Justin
apart, but how many times had he told Justin how lucky he was to have her. She loved him and nothing he did would
ever change that.
Having moved to the lounge area with Brian, Debbie’s brother Vic was trying to hold some sort of conversation
with him and not succeeding very well. Brian could be such an asshole at times: Rude, selfish, self-absorbed and
right now totally tuned-out.
Suddenly, Brian stood up and, grabbing his cigarettes and lighter from the coffee table, he headed out into the back
garden.
Surprised by the sudden movement, Debbie asked: "What the hell’s eating him?"
Justin and Michael exchanged glances. Michael answered her question. "Brian's Mother just found out he's gay".
Justin added: "She told him he was going to Hell!"
Jennifer, clearly shocked by her son’s statement, asked: "My God, what sort of Mother says something like that to
her own son?"
Debbie replied: "Joan Kinney, that's who. Though I'm surprised she was able to get outta the sherry bottle long
enough to even remember she had a son".
Now understanding Brian’s detachment before, Vic came into the kitchen to join the group.
“His Father was no better”, Vic stated. “The only time Brian knew when he was around was when he used Brian as
a punch bag".
Debbie chuckled, though with no humour that could be detected: "My God, if I had a dollar for every time Brian had
bolted here when things got rough at home, I coulda retired to Florida years ago. The number of times he'd turn up
here after dark with a bloody nose, split lip or bruised ribs. I'd clean him up, give him a meal - 'cos there was never
any food at their place, only booze - and put him to bed".
Through the window, they could just make out Brian in the fading light, sitting on the garden table, smoking a
cigarette.
"I never realised how abusive Brian's childhood was - didn't anyone contact the authorities?" asked Jennifer. She
lightly brushed Justin’s cheek with her hand. How could any Mother allow her child to go through that? She knew
she’d fight to the death for her son and Justin knew it too.
Debbie sighed: "What for - he'd only say he got his bruises whilst playing soccer or got into a fight at school.
However bad things were at home, he didn't want to end up in care - who would - and whilst he knew he could
always bale out and come here, he just put up with it".
Leaving the group in the kitchen, Debbie went out into the back garden. She’d seen Brian looking shitty plenty of
times before, but he looked like he’d had the stuffing knocked right out of him.
Gently, so as not to startle him, she spoke quietly: "Hey kiddo. She'll come around Brian".
Brian looked at her: "They told you huh? What did they say?"
Debbie sat on a plastic garden chair and placed her hand on Brian’s knee. “They said Joannie made an unexpected
visit. They're worried about you, they don't like to see you down like this".
The words were said quietly, but Debbie could hear the anger and hurt in his voice: "What the fuck do I care what
she thinks in any case - she hasn't bothered with me all these years".
Debbie reached up and putting her hand under Brian’s chin, tilted his head to face her. "Brian, honey - if you really
thought that you wouldn't be this upset now, would you? Give her time - you're still her son.”
She stood up and cocking her thumb in the direction of the house, commanded: “Now, come back inside and have
some apple-pie, fresh baked this morning".
As Debbie turned to go back inside, Brian spoke: "Debbie, you know what I always thought?"
Debbie turned back to face him: "What's that honey?"
Now standing before her, with his hands buried deep in his pockets and hunched up against the chilled air the dusk
had brought with it; Christ, she thought: he looks like he did when he was 14 years old and I caught him and
Michael with that bottle of vodka. Brian said, "I always thought how great it would have been if I'd had a Mom like
you - or even if you'd been my Mom".
Debbie couldn’t help feeling pleased, but surprised. Brian didn’t usually go in for sentimentality: "Well,” she
answered, moving closer to him; “you seemed like another son to me that's for sure - all the time you spent here
when you and Michael were growing up and all the scrapes you got in to together". Debbie couldn’t help but
chuckle at the memory of all the times she chewed them out over something or other, but basically, they were good
kids and she was quietly proud of both of them.
Placing her hand on his cheek, Debbie spoke quietly but in a tone that left Brian knowing how deeply she meant this
statement: "You do know honey, don't you, that if you ever need a 'Mom', you can always come to me".
Seeing the tears start to form in Brian's eyes, Debbie pulled him towards her and the two hugged. After a few
moments, Brian, embarrassed at this show of emotion, pulled away.
Brian stepped backwards: "I'm gonna duck out the back gate -"
One look from Debbie stopped him in his tracks: "Oh no you're not - you're going to come back inside and finish
supper", she instructed.
Brian knew that look and tone of voice and that it was going to be real difficult for him to disappear before Debbie
had satisfied herself that he was okay.
"I don't want the others to see me like this", Brian whispered.
Understanding how difficult this was for Brian, Debbie replied: "Sure, OK - I'll go back inside to the gang. You
come back in a moment and slip up to the bathroom and freshen up - but you're coming back to finish eating - you
hear me. Christ Brian, you're getting too skinny as it is - you can't afford to miss too many meals!"
Patting Brian’s face, Debbie smiled, turned and headed back into the house.
The group were still standing in the kitchen, anxious to know Brian was OK and eager to hear what had gone on
between the two of them, but Debbie knew Brian would hate for them to be aware of how close he’d came to
breaking down, that the façade was shakeable after all.
Debbie grabbed a tea towel: "Brian needs a moment to get himself together so get busy. Now, where were we at?”
The group went back to talking about this year's PFLAG BBQ and Debbie trying and just about succeeding to
persuade Vic to brush up on his culinary skills and make that mouth-watering coconut cream pie that was once his
speciality.
As quietly as possible, Brian quickly hurried past them and went upstairs to the bathroom. Justin made to go after
him.
With a restraining, but gentle hand on his arm, Jennifer said: "Leave him honey, he needs to be on his own right
now".
Justin, though desperate to comfort Brian, heard what his Mother said and let him go.
Debbie started to dish out the apple pie and a few minutes later, Brian came back to the group. After his chat with
Debbie, Brian was visibly more relaxed and even joined in the light-hearted banter and they all finished supper
without a word spoken about his disappearing before.
After dessert had been eaten and the dishes cleared away, Justin turned to Brian and whispered: "Do you want to go
home yet?"
Brian replied: "Would you mind?"
Justin shook his head. They both asked to be excused, turning to Debbie to say how much they had enjoyed the
evening. They kissed her, and Debbie swore Brian held on to her just that heartbeat longer than necessary. Justin
kissed his Mother and they all made their goodbyes and Brian and Justin left for home, Brian promising to call
Michael in the morning.
Justin would never know for sure what went on between Brian and Debbie, but whatever it was he was grateful for
it. During the ride back to the loft, he and Brian were able to chat about Justin’s art class and “Yes Brian, I have
done my homework,” promised Justin. "Cross my heart and hope to die” and he laughed; Brian actually laughed.
Chapter 2
Arriving home following dinner at Debbie's, Justin had hoped that Brian’s better mood would continue. Even though
he would be hard pressed to get him to admit it, Justin knew how much Brian’s Mother had hurt him by her reaction
to the discovery that her only son was gay.
Brian had said little in the elevator ride up to the loft and Justin could tell how exhausted he was from the day's
events. But, seeing how much more relaxed he had been following his talk with Debbie, Justin was hoping that
Brian might start to open up to him a bit more – let down some of those barriers, allowing him to 'sneak in under the
wire' undetected.
Closing the loft door behind them, Justin spoke: "Brian, about your Mom…", but this relaxed mood wasn't to last for
long, as Brian headed straight for the bottle of Beam, from which he poured himself a hefty slug, downed it in one
swallow and then poured himself another. To Justin’s dismay, the walls had gone back up again.
Slumping down on the sofa, Brian said: “It’s getting late. You’d better get ready for bed. You have school
tomorrow”.
As soon as Justin said the words he regretted them, but he just couldn’t help himself: “Well thank you for reminding
me of that Brian, but you’re not my Father – you don’t have to tell me what fucking time I have to go to bed! Don’t
treat me like a kid!”
“When did I ever treat you like a kid?” asked Brian wearily.
Truthfully, Brian always thought of Justin as a man – not a boy. At 18, Justin was more mature than a lot of older
adults Brian knew, something he often reminded him of. But he was still young, and it was no small miracle he’d
come through and survived everything that had happened in recent months.
After the bashing that almost cost him his life, almost robbed him of his dreams, with unstinting determination,
Justin had still managed to hold on to his ideals, his ambitions. No, Justin was a man, or at least teetering on the very
edge of manhood. Brian knew that from their very first encounter - Justin’s first venture on to Liberty Avenue.
Which was just as well, considering what they did in bed.
'Why is he always right? Why is he always so goddamned fucking right?' thought Justin, 'Even with the little things'.
It WAS getting late; he DID have school tomorrow. Justin stomped across the room: the man suddenly disappearing
and the boy re-emerging. He picked up his school bag; shoving inside all the things he needed for the following day.
His sketchpad, pencils and the homework he'd produced on his computer. The computer with the expensive
specialist software, that Brian had bought for him when he couldn't use his drawing hand so soon after the attack.
“Christ, I don’t need this,” said Brian. “I’m taking a shower”. Throwing the last of his drink down his throat he
stood up. Though his real intention was to put some space between himself and Justin: hoping he could get his head
together.
Setting the empty glass down on the table, Brian crossed the floor to the bedroom, pulling off his sweater and
throwing it on the bed on his way into the bathroom.
Having dropped his bag by the door, ready for him to grab in the morning, Justin turned around to watch him go. He
would never grow tired of seeing Brian’s body, those long elegant limbs and the way he moved. Like a panther
stalking it’s prey.
Watching him disappear from the room, peeling off the remainder of his clothing as he went, Justin thought how it
had seemed that Debbie had somehow managed to reach Brian a little that evening.
'Why can’t he let me in like that?' thought Justin. “I could give him all the love he could ever need, if only he would
let me”. But Brian wasn’t ready yet and Justin wondered if he ever would be.
In the solitude of the shower, everything that had happened that day came flooding back to Brian: The look of shock
on his Mother's face when Justin had walked out of the bedroom in his underwear looking for him. The way she had
refused to even stay and discuss it with him; the hatred in her voice when she told him where he would spend
eternity. Those words would haunt him for a long time.
Brian knew that something special had happened between him and Debbie that night, something he would never
admit to or even acknowledge; that feeling of being cared for and being grateful for it. Pathetic! He almost felt
ashamed at how close he'd come to letting Debbie see how vulnerable he really was.
What about Justin? He meant well, cared for Brian even. But he’d told Justin he didn’t believe in love. At least
that’s what he’d been telling himself all these years. He certainly wasn’t ready yet for Justin to think that he could
trespass into that part of him that was still too private to be revealed: to take that one-way journey into his innermost
thoughts and feelings. That place was still a no-go area. Non-negotiable: at least, not yet.
Even Michael, the friend he'd known since they were both 14, only saw as much of him as Brian would allow.
Though Brian had to admit, Lindsay was different. She’d been the girl he knew in college and had even bedded a
few times, but who’d turned out to be a dyke. She could see another side to him it seemed. The side he hadn’t been
ready to acknowledge to himself; the side that prompted her to ask Brian to be the father of her child.
Justin was already in bed when Brian emerged from the bathroom. His hair still damp and his body shining from the
hot water and the vigorous rubdown from the towel which was now covering him from the waist down.
'How beautiful he is' thought Justin.
"Brian…"
"Don't, please, not tonight" Brian was almost pleading with him.
"I just wanted to say I was sorry I snapped at you earlier. You didn't deserve it" apologised Justin.
Brian sat on the edge of the bed, his back half-turned towards him. "That's OK. I guess I did kinda sound like your
old man there for a minute."
"It’s just that you seem to think that you have to be in charge all the time. You don't have to keep looking out for me
Brian. It's my responsibility to get myself to school on time - to get my homework done", stated Justin. "I can look
out for myself".
"I know, I know", replied Brian, climbing into bed beside him, feeling suddenly very tired.
"It's just that you're always there for me. Like when you stood up to my Father when he wanted me to ignore who I
was, how I was feeling. Even after he attacked you - you got me out of there; allowed me to stand up to him and
helped me accept who I really am. You watched over me at the hospital, though you didn't want me to know it. Then
you took me in, when I hated myself and everyone around me. You healed me, made me whole again”.
Justin wouldn’t let this go. He’d been building up to this for a long time.
Brian tried to speak, but Justin cut him off. “You even still look out for Michael,” he continued. “Even though he’s
got Ben now”.
“He may not be around for ever,” said Brian “and then Michael will need someone”. Ben was HIV positive. There
was no way of knowing how long Michael would have him in his life.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t have to be you. And then there’s Lindsay and Gus…..”
“That goes without question”, said Brian, finally getting a word in. “Gus is my son. Lindsay knows she can always
depend on me there. She has Mel to look out for her, but I will always be there for Gus. I am not like my old man”.
“But what about you Brian?” asked Justin. “You can’t tell me you don’t need anyone once in a while? You can’t do
it all, even though you like to think you can. You do a good job of hiding it, but you don’t fool me – I can see right
through you Brian Kinney. You have feelings too - even though you won’t admit it”.
“Are you through yet?” asked Brian. “Can I expect my sainthood in the mail any day now?”
“God, that’s just so like you! Can’t anyone ever pay you a compliment? Do you have to make it sound like you
resent it, every time you do something nice for someone?” asked Justin, exasperated.
“You don’t have to thank me, I don't do it for that", Brian answered.
"I know you don't”, said Justin. “And I know I've been ungrateful at times and a real Drama Queen".
"Drama Princess”, corrected Brian. “You’re too young to be a Queen”.
They were quiet for a moment, but still Justin hadn’t finished.
"It is kind of nice though, isn't it? he ventured quietly. "Having someone there, caring about you, looking out for
you".
Brian sighed: "Like a Mother, you mean?" he challenged. He knew what Justin was up to. Trying to get him to
admit that even he, Brian Kinney, was human. That occasionally he needed someone else he could lean on from
time to time.
"Yeah, like a Mother, I guess." said Justin. "Or a friend, lover … partner." These last words whispered in hope.
"Well, with a Mother like mine - you're better off without her." Brian stated.
"You don't really mean that," replied Justin.
"Like hell I do", Brian came right back at him. "Though I guess I do have something I should be grateful to her for.
Without her I wouldn't even be here."
"Yeah, but that's just biology" said Justin. "She gave birth to you, so …"
"No, I don't mean that," said Brian. "Don't tell me you haven't heard the story?"
Justin shook his head, "No, I don't understand what you’re getting at".
"Well, it's no great secret. When Jack found out his Joannie was knocked-up, he told her to get rid of it. In fact,
when I was a kid, he always enjoyed telling me that I should have been aborted".
Justin was shocked. "Brian, I'm sorry, I had no idea. I can't believe it – what an asshole!"
"Well, luckily, even Joannie wouldn't go along with that, so I guess you could say that Mom's church was definitely
responsible for bringing me into this world", chortled Brian.
“Fucking ironic, considering her minister’s a fag.” A fact that Brian had discovered for himself, one night recently,
at the Baths. “She even said he was like a son. Well, I guess you could say we have a lot in common”.
Brian rubbed his eyes. ‘Christ, I’m tired’, he thought.
Justin reached over and took Brian's hand. He turned the palm upwards, bent forward and kissed it. He moved closer
still, reaching up and kissing him on the mouth. A long, lingering ‘I’m-here-for-you’ kiss.
Brian whispered: "It’s late. Would you mind if we didn't do anything now tonight? I’m beat".
Justin: "No, that's fine".
Brian tried to pull away and turn on his side, facing away from Justin, but Justin held on to his hand.
Brian looked at him for a few long moments. He knew what those blue eyes were pleading for him to say and he
knew he was going to disappoint him, yet again.
With a faint smile, Brian laid his head down on Justin's chest, allowing himself to be held. Justin pulled the sheet up
over them. ‘God, when will you accept that I love you?’ thought Justin.
Quietly, Brian spoke: “Who the hell does she think she is anyhow, showing up here unannounced, looking down on
me, judging me? It’s not like I’m still looking for her approval. I gave up on that long ago”.
Now Justin understood how angry and hurt Brian must be. His Mother condemning him out of hand, having
discovered he was gay, whilst at the same time inviting her “fag” minister into her home. Taking up that place that
Brian had never been allowed to occupy.
With his arm around Brian’s shoulders, Justin placed a hand on Brian’s head, his fingers working their way through
the thick, dark hair.
Justin felt Brian relax at last.
“Are you okay?” Justin asked.
“Yeah”, replied Brian. “I am. Thanks”.
“Anytime. I’ll always be here for you Brian”.
“I know. Me too”.
As they drifted off to sleep, all that could be heard in the loft was the sound of their breathing and the faint rumble of
late night-traffic heading downtown.
The End.
Running on Empty
"JUSTIN! Turn that goddamned music down - you knew I had to bring work home with me tonight. The joys of
being partner, I guess. Someone screws up, so you get to do it yourself".
But I guess I won't have to worry about too much noise now - now that the loft is empty.
"School uniform, tee's, chinos - Christ, Justin, if your Mother brings over any more clothes, we're gonna have to
build another fucking closet".
But I guess I won't have to worry about that now - now that the closet is empty.
I look at the bed where we first made love. Justin's first time. When I tried to make it special and told him I wanted
him to remember it, so that whoever he was with, I'd always be with him. The same bed where we healed each other
after he was nearly lost forever.
But what's the point on dwelling on that now - now that the bed is empty.
Now looking at the reflection in the mirror - it still looks like me, but there's something missing, something
incomplete. My heart. Empty.
I'm running on empty.
The End
Did He Ever Love Me
Justin's thoughts, as he's collecting his belongings from the loft, following the Rage party.
When he brought me here the first time and made love to me; when he said he wanted it to be special, so that I'd
always remember it; so that he'd always be there, no matter who I was with - did he love me then?
When he took me in, even after my Father beat the shit out of him? When he got me to face up to who I wanted to
be, not what my Father wanted for me - did he love me then?
When he was hurting after the bashing, hurting so much with guilt that he didn't even want me to know he was
coming to the hospital; watching over me in the night - did he love me then?
Hurting so much he was hitting every bar, every substance, and every guy, just so he didn't have to remember - did
he love me then?
And when he healed me (or did I heal him?), helped me to feel again, to give myself again - did he love me then?
When he provided everything; from a roof over my head, to my tuition, to an expensive computer to help me draw
again - did he love me then?
When he was out fucking other guys, but always coming home to me - did he love me then?
Making me no promises, but telling me no lies - did he love me then?
When he said, "Go, if you don't know if you want to stay then I'm not going to try and make you (that's how much I
love you) - did he love me then?
Did he ever love me? Because, if he did, why is he letting me go?
The End
Fathers & Sons
It's the day after Jack Kinney's funeral. Following Brian's outburst at the wake, Lindsay goes to check that he's okay,
taking baby Gus with her.
'My God', thought Lindsay. 'What is it about a gorgeous guy and a baby? I know I'm a dyke, but Jesus, it is so sexy such a turn on!'
She was sitting on the edge of Brian's bed, watching him in the lounge area, where he was pacing slowly up and
down, bare-footed across the polished wooden floor, cradling Gus in his arms, rocking him gently to sleep. It was
the day after Jack's funeral and following Brian's outburst at the wake, Lindsay had wanted to check that he was
doing okay.
As if reading her thoughts, Brian looked back over his shoulder at her and smiled. "There", said Lindsay softly "I
knew you'd have the knack".
Slowly, Brian walked up the few steps to the raised bedroom area and sat down beside her, carefully, so as not to
disturb the sleeping infant. "I still can't believe he's here and that he's mine", said Brian.
"I would have fucked you, you know", he said, grinning at her. He and Lindsay had been friends since college,
where they had even slept together on a few occasions, but both of them had known it wasn't right for either of them.
"Brian! - I don't think Mel would have been too happy about that, do you?" said Lindsay. She and Melanie had been
together now for six years and when they had decided they wanted a child and that it would be Lindsay who would
be the birth Mother, she had insisted that Brian should be the father. A decision she knew would be the right one,
despite Melanie's dislike of Brian.
And here now was the side of Brian that not many people ever got to see. A part of him that he kept well under
wraps and Lindsay had always wondered why. Did he see open displays of emotion and vulnerability as
weaknesses? Probably. She'd heard how tough he'd had it as a kid and over the years it had seemed to her that he'd
built so many defence mechanisms around himself to prevent anyone from getting too close, that she was afraid he
was becoming isolated: distant.
Gently, she placed a hand at the nape of his neck. "Are you okay, Brian - you know - after what's happened?" Brian
looked at her. "It's been a really strange time for me, Lindz, that's for sure. In the space of a few months, I've become
a Dad and my own Father died" he said. Jack Kinney had suffered from cancer and had passed away in hospital the
week before. "The cycle of life" said Lindsay. "I guess,” he agreed.
"Lindsay," he whispered, "this is so scary - this small life we've brought into the world. You know when you said
you wanted a kid and that you wanted me to father it, I thought, sure, why not, what would it take? A few minutes
jerking off and bingo! But it's not like that now, now that he's here".
"I know. You're an okay Dad, Brian", said Lindsay softly, not wanting to wake Gus.
"Well, you know Lindz that I could never be a full-time Dad, that's not me, but he's gonna know that I care about
him - I am not like my old man", said Brian.
Lindsay could see how close Brian was to tears. His outburst at the wake yesterday had taken them all by surprise,
when his sister Claire had wanted to hear stories from everyone present about their Father. Well, Claire had got
something she hadn't bargained on from Brian all right. The fact that their Father had wanted rid of him; had wanted
him to be aborted. Brian had even told Lindsay that Jack seemed to enjoy telling him this fact throughout his
childhood.
"Brian, you will never be like Jack". "No!" said Brian quickly, remembering the many times his Father had come
home drunk and sought him out for the sole purpose of using him as a punch bag. "I'd never lay a finger on Gus, you
must believe that Lindsay. I know I've got a temper sometimes..…" "I should say. I've seen you go off on one on the
odd occasion," she said, smiling. "Okay", said Brian. "But I would never hurt Gus". "I know you wouldn't, Brian",
said Lindsay. "I trust you. I would never leave him alone with you otherwise, and besides, I want Gus to get to know
his Father".
"You love Gus", she continued. "That's plain for anyone to see, despite yourself and I'll never understand why you
think you can't let people know how you feel".
"It's just not that easy for me Lindsay", said Brian, "so let's drop it, okay?"
The baby gurgled softly, contentedly nestled in his Father's arms.
"You know, I don't think Mel and I ever really thanked you properly for signing over your parental rights to Gus.
That meant a lot, to both of us, even if Melanie hasn't said as much", said Lindsay.
Signing over his rights to Gus had hurt Brian more than he would ever let on. He knew now that Lindsay and Mel
were not obliged to let him have any access to his son at all. They could move out of Pittsburgh, inter-state, or even
out of the country and he wouldn't be able to do a thing about it.
But Gus deserved to have both his loving Mom’s together, to be there for him. At the time, Lindsay and Mel had
been going through a rough patch and Brian’s offer to sign away his rights on the condition they see sense and get
back together had been the price he’d had to pay.
"Hey", said Lindsay softly, now placing her arm around Brian's shoulders for comfort; "it is okay to grieve for your
Dad. I know you think he never loved you, but I actually think he was a little proud of you, you know, at the end".
Brian looked at her. "How the hell do you make that out Lindsay?" he asked. "When I told him I was gay, he said I
should have been the one dying - not him”. "I know", she replied, "and it must have been terrible for you to hear him
say that, but from what you've told me about him, how he lived, you never let him beat you down, you became
successful and you've always been your own man and he knew that".
Sure thought Brian. Jack appreciated a successful son all right. Useful when the money ran out and it was still a
week 'til payday.
Still, his Father had come to the loft that day, after Brian had visited him and told him he had a faggot for a son.
He’d even brought with him a photograph, which he thought Brian might like to keep. One of Jack holding him
when he was about four months old, not much different to the child now lying in Brian's own arms.
By chance, Lindsay had been at the loft that evening with Gus. The only time Jack got to hold his Grandson.
'What is it with fathers and sons?' thought Brian, allowing a wave of grief to flow over him. But the grief he felt was
for the relationship that he’d never had with his Father: that now could never be, not for the passing of the man
himself.
"Well", said Brian, looking down at Gus, feeling the tears welling in his eyes. "this is one kid who's gonna know his
Father cares, and we'll be just fine, won’t we - sonny boy".
The end
Pain Management
Ep. 402. Brian watches Justin as he relives the pain of his bashing, following the attack on Shanda Leer (Darren).
I watched him get up and walk away. Christ, I thought he was passed all this, at least I'd hoped he was.
But then again, am I? He was always saying why couldn't he remember, whilst all the time I was wishing I could
forget.
And still, even now, every time I pull into a damn underground parking lot or catch a baseball game, I can hear the
swish as the bat moved through the air, the sound as it made contact with Justin and the thud when he hit the ground.
I still wake up occasionally in a cold sweat-filled panic and only when I see him lying beside me, hear his breathing,
can I relax - a little.
I can only imagine his nightmares. And I know he still gets them from time to time. I can feel him shaking and hear
him cry out. The cry he never had a chance to make when it actually happened. And I hold him and though he never
fully wakes, I hope to God he knows I'm there and that he’s safe in my arms.
I saw it happen, but I wasn't the one who ended up in a coma and then spent weeks in rehab only to find I could
never again fully recover the use of a hand. His drawing hand, the one he used to produce those beautiful pictures.
I've still got the one he did of me. Even now, he doesn't know it was me who bought it and so far hasn't discovered
the hiding place I found for it.
I can only imagine what he's going through now, after Darren's bashing. When he came back from the Gay and
Lesbian Centre, he hardly said a word other than this kid, Cody, stood up saying we should fight back. Talked about
forming a Pink Posse for Chrissakes.
And then I find him hunched over the light box, discarded drawings for the next edition of 'Rage' around him.
Pictures that clearly show Justin's own rage that still burns inside.
His hand was hurting, but when I tried to massage it, he pulled away, not wanting to be helped or comforted. And
maybe that's it; he can't take anyone else's help until he feels he's helped himself.
He thinks he didn't do enough to stand up to Hobbs and to only be given Community Service - what sort of fucking
punishment was that! But that's the law and until it changes, it's what we're stuck with. So, can I really blame him if
he's looking for answers elsewhere?
He's knows I'm here for him, and I guess I'm gonna have to wait until he comes to me. And if I could take that pain
away, I would. But he has to work through this for himself.
Until then, I have to deal with my own pain. For despite what he may think, whatever hurts him hurts me.
The end.
Over the Rainbow
Gap filler ep.314. Jason Kemp's POV, looking down on Liberty Avenue.
"Dumpster Boy! ... Jesus ... is that how they know me? Is that what I became? Is that all I'm worth?"
"Mind you, I coulda told them myself that no-one would give a shit about what had happened to me. Well, I could
have told them ... if I wasn't already dead I mean.”
"That sonofabitch cop picked me up for a little fun and games and just ‘cos I hollered when he started to slap me
around he panicked. I saw it coming, but I just couldn't get out of the way. So I ended up in the dumpster and what
did the fucking Police department do - nothing, that's what. Absolute squat.”
"If it hadn't been for that Debbie down at the Liberty Diner, I wouldn't even have had a proper headstone on my
grave. At least she bothered to find out at who I was ... what my name had been. More than the cops had done ...
that’s for sure!"
"Then when I saw that cop had been Chief Stockwell's partner for 15 years, I just knew they'd wanna bury the whole
thing ... bury the case along with me. But then you know what happened, along comes this guy ... Brian Kinney.”
"Now from what I can see, it was this Brian guy ... who by the way is to die for, yeah! Oh shit ... I forgot ... I already
am dead! ... who'd been helping promote Chief Stockwell to become Mayor in the upcoming elections. Kinda
figured that if he helped the Chief get elected, the Chief could be his meal-ticket. Asshole - sell his own damn
Grandmother for a one-way ticket outta the Pitts.”
"So now Stockwell goes round closing down all the gay bars, clubs and backrooms to make the streets "familyfriendly.” Bullshit, if the good people of Pittsburgh don't wanna come down to Liberty Avenue, no-one's gonna
make them, right? Why can't they all just leave us alone?"
"Now I don’t know what happened, but it kinda looks like somewhere down the line this guy Kinney has second
thoughts about what’s going on ... it all starts to get a little too close to home and he goes and gets his conscience
back ... had to decide between what was right and what was wrong. Something about having to be prepared to
sacrifice everything for what you believe in. Is he for real? But anyway, he goes and starts his own smear campaign
to stop that asshole becoming Mayor after all!"
"I hear it was real embarrassing for the Chief down at the Gay and Lesbian Center. Apparently he’d been set up with
a real hostile audience, holding up these posters with pictures on them. All of them people who’d been murdered or
assaulted.”
"Like that drag queen I used to see around town ... murdered a couple of years back. They still haven't caught her
killer.”
"And that kid ... Justin ... Justin Taylor. What about him? His Mom's right, he sure is beautiful ... attacked and left
for dead on that cold concrete floor. The asshole that did that only got community service 'cos the police called it an
assault instead of a hate-crime. A simple assault ... when he went after him with a base-ball bat for Chrissakes!"
"Christ knows how many others ... all ignored ‘cos they were gay.”
"And then there was me ... Jason Kemp ... AKA Dumpster Boy!"
"Well, from what I heard this Kinney guy ... he's involved with Justin ... sort of his boyfriend in this 'nonconventional, non-committed way' apparently ... and it was this Justin kid who'd been the one running all over town
pasting up those posters poking shit-fun outta Stockwell. And were Stockwell and Kinney's boss pissed when they
found the two of them together! Not only fucking, but with all those posters lying around them. No doubt about it
then. Kinney’s in on the smear campaign all right ... in on it up to his beautiful ass!"
"So he's fired ... even though he was a partner in the firm ... escorted off the premises by a security guard ... without
even so much as a ballpoint pen ... I sure would have liked to have seen that!!"
"Then he heard about the hustler kid ... um ... whatsisname? Yeah ... Hunter ... that’s it ... I’d seen him around
myself ... even had to kick his ass off my turf a couple of times. Well apparently, he’d seen me with the cop the
night I died ... so Hunter took Kinney to the bar we’d been in and pointed him out.”
"So the next night Kinney and this Justin kid go back to the bar ... hoping that Justin could get his attention so that
Kinney could swipe a cigarette butt. Instead, Hunter collars him outside ... lets him pick him up and take him home
...stupid little twat ... But hey ... he hit pay dirt ... came back with a rubber the cop filled with his load so they could
run some of those DNA tests and tell it was him up my ass the night I died."
"So Kinney takes the rubber to that cop Horvath, but he says it’s not enough evidence. Jesus, what does he need ... a
signed fucking confession!! Next thing Kinney knows, Stockwell’s all sweetness and light ... even offers him the
connections he’d wanted in the first place. So I guess the Chief must be pretty rattled after all."
"But you know what ... and where’s the fucking justice in this ... the cop that wasted me goes and kills himself.
Motherfucker ... I wanted him in court, so he’d have to stand up and show the whole world how the cops had tried to
cover up that one of their own was a faggot and a murderer."
"So where do we go from here? No link between the cop and Stockwell, so nothing stopping him becoming Mayor
now."
"That is until Kinney decides he has to take a stand himself ... selling his stuff and getting up to the limit on five
gold cards to the tune of $100,000 to buy these commercials to be aired on all the TV stations leading up to election
day ... a commercial suggesting a link between Stockwell and the cover up of the murder of 'Dumpster Boy' ... that’s
me, in case you forgot.”
"Well I don’t fucking believe it ... but it worked ... it actually worked. Come the election, enough people vote against
him and Stockwell loses and out they all go on to the streets”.
“Christ ... it looks like one helluva party down there ... looks like it’s gonna last for days ... wish I could be there."
"Now ... where is he? Oh yeah ... I can see him ... Brian ... standing with Justin on the steps of Woody’s bar,
watching what’s going on in the street. Christ, they’ve kinda been on a roller coaster themselves, these past few
months since the break-up and then getting back together”.
“And there’s Brian telling Justin he’s lost everything ... Jesus!”
“No you schmuck ... you haven’t ... the most precious thing you have is right with you ... with his arms around you
and his tongue down your throat!"
"And they said there was no such thing as a gay super-hero. Well I don’t believe that any more ... ‘cos I’m looking
at him ... and his name is Brian Kinney."
"Look at those rainbow colored flags ... well they sure look pretty, don’t they ... flying over Liberty Avenue again.”
The End.
You'll Always Be Beautiful to Me
It’s the day after Justin discovers that Brian has testicular cancer and Brian tells him he wants him out of his life.
Justin writes Brian a letter.
"I told you to get the fuck out!” Brian could almost hear the words he’d yelled at Justin still ringing throughout the
loft; remembering the look of pain and confusion on the blond’s face as he was literally thrown out the door.
Arriving home early, Brian dumped the mail he’d picked up from the box downstairs on to the table, took off his
coat and headed straight for the bottle of Beam. He picked up the bottle and was about to poor himself a drink, but
hesitated. Putting it down, he went over to the refrigerator instead and reached inside for a bottle of water. He felt
tired and nauseas from the radiotherapy treatment and knew that alcohol probably wasn’t a good idea right now and
what he really should be doing was getting some sleep.
He took a swallow from the bottle, noticing on the desk that Justin had left some of his artwork behind. Going over
to it, Brian couldn’t resist opening the folio and taking a look. It was good: damned good.
“Shit”, how was he going to get it back to him? Maybe he’d have it couriered over, he didn’t want to risk seeing
Justin again.
Brian knew how much he’d hurt him; throwing him out, telling him he didn’t want him in his life any more. But
why put off the inevitable? He was sure Justin would leave one day anyway. Why wouldn’t he? There was bound to
be someone younger, someone who would give him what he wanted, tell him what he needed to hear. Someone
beautiful, someone perfect. That’s what Justin deserved.
Putting down his drink, Brian remembered the mail on the table and turned to go over to it. He’d only taken a few
steps when he was suddenly doubled over with the pain that seemed to tear straight through him and he had to fight
to keep the returning nausea at bay.
He clutched at the counter to remain upright, cursing the very treatment that was keeping him alive. They said there
was a 99% success rate with the radiotherapy, but it sure as hell didn't feel that way right now.
After a few moments, the pain subsided and Brian managed to make it over to the table where he slowly sat down
and took a deep breath before starting to sort through the pile of mail, sweating from the pain he felt earlier; trying to
shut it out of his mind.
“Bills, bills, bills,” he muttered to himself, plus yet another request for a handout from some charity or other.
But there was one letter that stood out from the rest: a plain, pale blue envelope with just his name on it, in Justin’s
handwriting. Brian ran his fingers through his hair. Why would Justin be writing him a letter?
Brian picked it up and held it for a few moments before putting it down again and decided he needed to take a
shower and once under the hot water, he soaped himself down: gingerly touching himself, careful of the area
receiving treatment.
Drying himself off, he didn’t dare look at his reflection in the mirror. The implant was there, so who would know?
He would.
Slowly, Brian put on a tee and some loose-fitting joggers and went back out into the living room and trying to make
himself comfortable on the large cushions, he turned on the TV and spent the next few minutes surfing channels.
Despite feeling tired, his mind wouldn’t settle, but finding nothing of interest he switched off the TV and looked
back over his shoulder: over to the table.
‘Fuck’. He couldn’t ignore it any longer. He had to know what the letter said and carefully getting to his feet, he
slowly walked over to the table and sat down. Breathing deeply, he picked up the envelope and opened it, taking out
the letter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian,
I know if I try to say this to you, you’ll either walk away or tell me to fuck off, so I decided to write it down. This
way you can read it, if and when you want to (though I hope you’ll decide you will read it). And afterwards, if you
like, you can throw it away, pretend it never existed.
Firstly, do I have to keep reminding you what I feel for you?
I was really pissed at you that you didn’t tell me you were sick. Were you trying to protect me? Did you think I
couldn’t hack it? That I’m still a kid who’d get scared and run away? Or worse, that I wouldn’t love you any more?
Do you really think I’m like that, that I'm that shallow?
Why do you think you have to do everything on your own? Have you never heard the expression ‘No man is an
island?’ Well, that includes you too. Whether you like it or not, you have people around you who love you and care
about you.
I know you don’t like anyone to see you when you’re hurting: to discover that you’re human: vulnerable.
Well, here’s a newsflash: I already know these things about you. Big deal.
I know how much you pride yourself on how you look; the ‘Brian Kinney’ image. Were you afraid that surgery
would leave you just a little less than perfect? Have you forgotten there’s a person underneath?
Well in case you didn’t get it already, I love you Brian Kinney, any way I can get you.
There are plenty of reasons why I could have left you, but I thought we’d made a commitment and I intend to stand
by that commitment, which is why I’m not letting you push me away like this.
I realise you need some space to get your head together, but I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be back in a couple of
days, unless you tell me to come back sooner.
You’ll always be beautiful to me, but I didn’t just fall in love with an image; I fell in love with the man and, no
matter what, I will always be there for you.
Justin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian read the letter again and could feel the tears behind his eyes. He was so used to doing everything on his own
he didn’t really think about reaching out to someone else and the last thing he wanted was to have people pitying
him, making him feel like a victim, or worse, treat him as if he was dying.
It seemed like Justin really did understand him: knew that being the most beautiful stud on Liberty Avenue – no, he
whole of Pittsburgh, was what it was really all about. Deep down, Brian knew that this was how he measured his
own worth.
Growing up with a Father who beat the crap out of him at every opportunity, in a household devoid of any affection,
had left Brian believing himself to be unworthy of being loved and his conquests were a way of proving that he was
wanted; loved even, at least for the next ten minutes.
He should have told Justin. But the truth was he couldn’t tell anyone. At times like this, Brian went inside himself,
blocking out anything or anyone around him; almost like an animal that hides itself away when it gets sick: an
animal instinct for survival.
He shouldn’t have pushed Justin away, he knew that now, but he hadn’t wanted to appear needy or afraid. But the
truth was, at the outset, he’d been terrified. Terrified at the prospect of being no longer desirable, of dying and of
anyone seeing that fear.
He could hear the love in Justin’s words, an emotion he still found so hard to accept and wondered if he would get
the chance to make amends. He needed Justin; he loved Justin. Why was it so damn hard to admit it, even to
himself?
He put the letter back in the envelope; something he would always treasure and would have to find somewhere
special to keep it, somewhere no one else would ever find it.
Painfully, he got up and walked over to the side table and picked up the photograph taken of him holding his baby
son, Gus. Justin was always telling him how much he loved this picture and carefully, he turned it over and took off
the backing. He placed the letter behind the photograph, replaced the back and returned the frame to its usual
position.
Just then he heard the door slide open and turned around to find the blond standing there.
“Hi”, said Brian softly.
“Hi”, replied Justin. “Sorry, I didn’t think you’d be home yet. I … I left some of my work here. I need it for
tomorrow ... otherwise I wouldn’t have come over”.
“That’s okay ... go right ahead”.
“I hope you don’t mind,” said Brian. “I had a look at it ... it’s beautiful work”.
“Thanks,” said Justin quietly, picking up his things.
Brian was standing at the far side of the room and Justin took a quick glance at him. ‘Christ, he looks like shit’ and
he noticed the mail on the table. “Had he seen the letter? Had he read it, or trashed it?’ It didn’t matter, he probably
would never say.
“Have you eaten yet?” asked Brian as Justin turned to walk out the door.
“Huh? …. No …… no I haven’t”.
“I was just about to order pizza ... there’s a James Dean movie on TV later tonight ...” but Brian left the words
hanging there, unable to finish his sentence.
Brian wondered whether Justin would hear his silent plea. He had no appetite for food, but he couldn’t bear the
thought of being on his own tonight and Justin was the only one he wanted to be with.
Justin looked at him and he could see the unspoken words in Brian’s eyes; eyes that pleaded for him to stay. Eyes
that were saying sorry, you’re right, I need you and he put down his bag.
“Okay ... or I could always make us something”.
“Since when did I ever have anything in to make dinner?” asked Brian, a slight smile on his face. A face so beautiful
to Justin, despite the obvious discomfort etched there.
“I guess not”, agreed Justin. “So pizza it is, but no anchovies on mine”.
“No anchovies ... gotcha”.
The end.
Family Ties
Brian tries to deal with his feelings after he was cleared of molesting his nephew.
Family ties - bullshit!
Blood is thicker than water - bullshit!
Families are supposed to love each other, aren't they? No matter how they come; tall, short, thin, fat; you're
supposed to love them because you share the same bloodlines, the same genes and they're yours - bullshit!
You're supposed to be able to trust each other to do the right thing and to be there for each other – well that’s
bullshit!
‘Cos if that were so, how could my fucking sister think I could ever molest my own nephew!
Taking the word of that little homophobic brat, without even coming to me - talking to me - before calling the cops.
Okay, so I guess putting the little fucker's head down the john and flushing it may have been a little extreme, but so
what, he deserved it. The little shit stole my money and gave me a kicking after I got it back from his pocket.
And then went and said that I’d touched his dick and made him give me a blowjob!
Well, my family certainly didn't back me up. No, not my fucking Mother: poisoning the kid's mind about his faggot
uncle.
It wasn't my family who believed I didn't do it.
It was my friends; or rather it was Justin, who went to the police on my behalf, who confronted the little prick, made
him give back the bracelet he'd stolen.
It was Justin who returned it to me, putting it back around my wrist.
But why would I want it back? To wear it every day: so that I could be reminded that my family couldn't give a fuck
about me?
Families are bullshit - I'll stick with my friends. Family I choose for myself.
The End
Save the Last Dance for Me (You Should Have Been
There)
"Hey Justin ……. Justin Taylor. Wait up!"
Justin was making his way home from his shift at the diner when he heard the car horn sound behind him and then
someone calling out his name. He stopped and turned around; looking in the direction the shout had come from as
the car pulled up alongside him. The driver was leaning across the passenger seat; calling to him again through the
open window.
"Hey Justin, it's me ... Stacey. You remember ... from St. James?"
Justin lent down and peered in through the window, slowly recognising the car's occupant who was smiling at him.
“Oh hi, Stacey. Sorry … I didn't realise it was you. How are you doing?"
"I'm fine, but how about you? It's been so long since I saw you ..." Stacey had been in the same class as Justin at St.
James’ Academy. A friendly girl, easy to get along with and one who’d even come along to support him at the
Gay/Straight Alliance group he and Daphne had tried to start together.
"Yeah … it has been a long time. When was it?"
"Well … actually", Stacey replied, hesitantly and her voice quietened. "The last time I saw you was at the prom".
Justin blinked; trying to recall what little memory he had of that night. "Oh, sorry. I … I don't remember".
"That's okay. You still don't remember much about it at all then?"
He shook his head. "No … it's mostly still a blank, I'm afraid".
“That’s a real shame ... I’m so sorry to hear that. What are you doing now?” said Stacey, nervously: a little afraid to
ask him directly about his art.
“I’m at PIFA. I can’t do too much with my hand now any more, but they allowed me to stay on using the computer,
so everything’s working out okay ... I guess. How about you?”
“Still working towards law school,” she answered and then Stacey paused a moment before her next question.
“Look, do you mind if I ask you something?"
"Sure".
"Do you still see that guy …. you know ... the one who came to the prom?"
"Brian?” asked Justin. “Yeah … he's my boyfriend … sort of … but don't tell him that ... I don't think it's really sunk
in yet", he joked.
For a moment, Stacey hesitated, as if she was trying to make up her mind about something and then decided she
would talk to him about it after all.
"Justin, look … I've been meaning to get in touch with you since like forever … but what with class and you being
sick and all … I live just 5 minutes from here … have you got time to come back with me? There's something I'd
like you to see".
Justin couldn’t hide his confusion. "That sounds mysterious. Can't you tell me what it is?"
"Nope. It ….. it's a surprise. Come on … jump in", and Stacey lent across and pushed open the passenger door and
Justin got in beside her.
When they arrived at Stacey's home she took him into the family room.
"Wait here while I go get something," and she left the room, to return two minutes later with a videotape in her
hand.
"We'll watch this on the TV down here … it's bigger than the one in my room".
"What is it?" asked Justin, by now totally confused.
Stacey looked at him. "It's the prom," she answered, and when he looked at her blankly, she repeated herself. "You
know … the school prom ... OUR school prom."
"What?" Justin’s heart missed a beat; the implication of what Stacey said only just sinking in.
Stacey took the tape from its cover and placed it in the VCR. "It took some doing I can tell you … trying to sweettalk my Dad into letting me borrow his camcorder. He told me I'd be grounded forever if anything happened to it".
The screen came to life and Justin sat down on the sofa, watching closely; mesmerised by the figures on the TV,
something of which he had virtually no recollection and could barely take in anything Stacey was now saying to
him.
"Here's everyone arriving ... I made sure I got there early so I could catch everyone. There's Melissa and Todd …
and Sarah and Craig. You know I told Sarah not to wear that dress, but she insisted”.
“Look … there's Mr. Matthews and Miss Benjamin ... don't you just know something's going on between those two.
Oh and there's you and Daphne. You two looked great, by the way. You could be a couple you know.”
Justin looked at her and smiled; he still couldn’t believe he was actually watching film of the prom.
"There's Dana and Chris Hobbs ….. Oh, sorry Justin”. Stacey heard him take in a sharp breath as the image of his
attacker filled the screen and she quickly pressed fast forward.
“Why don’t I just skip all through this so we can get to the good part?"
Stacey ran the tape forward; searching and pressing Play, when she reached the point she was looking for.
"There's Brian!" exclaimed Justin suddenly. "My God … he looks so beautiful."
Stacey grinned. "He sure is hot in his tux. I spotted him the minute he came in through the door and couldn't resist
filming him. Just as well I did."
The camera followed Brian across the floor as he spotted Justin and Daphne and made his way to join them. "Sorry
we can't hear what you were saying ….. I was a little too far away for that", apologised Stacey. “But I did move in
closer for this …”
Justin watched in absolute wonder as he saw Brian take him by the hand and lead him to the dance floor: other
couples moving back and making way for them.
Stacey sat in silence. She was watching Justin rather than the TV: seeing him totally lost in what was playing out
before him. And suddenly, she wasn’t sure if this had been such a good idea after all, for she could see how he was
struggling to keep back the tears.
When it finished, Justin could hardly speak and the tears that had threatened now started to fall.
Getting up and going over to sit next to him, Stacey put her arm around his shoulders. "I'm sorry Justin ... I wouldn't
have shown you this if I thought it was going to upset you".
Justin swallowed, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand and he looked at her. "What? No … no, you don't
understand. Brian tried to tell me how we'd danced together. But seeing it ….. it was beautiful. But it's so strange ….
it’s like watching someone else ... I mean, I know it's me on the screen … but I don't remember anything of it."
Now Justin realised how hurt Brian must have been when he couldn't recall anything about how they’d danced
together when they’d tried to recreate the evening: to try and unlock his memory.
And when Daphne had told him how Brian had kissed him in front of everyone, a kiss Justin had no recollection of;
he remembered the pain he’d seen in Brian’s eyes and could hear the words the man had said to him; “You should
have been there.”
Stacey went over to the machine and ejected the tape, which she put back in its cover.
"Here, I think you better have this," she said, giving it to him.
Justin took the tape and then hugged her. "Thanks … you don't know how much this means."
Stacey grinned at him. "I think I do", she answered.
"Now, can I drop you anywhere?"
"No thanks Stacey, I'll walk ... I've got some thinking to do".
For the rest of the day, Justin worked out what he was going to do and set about getting everything he needed
together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day, Brian arrived back at the loft to find it in disarray. Returning from the office around 7:00 and opening
the door, he couldn't believe what he saw.
"JUSTIN ... what the fuck have you done to the living room?" and he put his attaché case down just inside the door.
The floor where the sofa, chairs and coffee table normally stood had been cleared and the rug rolled up and put out
of the way. The main lights were off and coloured disco lights played around the walls and dance music was coming
from the CD player.
"JUSTIN … where the fuck are you? You better have a good explanation for th….." Brian was stopped abruptly by
the sight of the young man emerging from the bedroom dressed in a tuxedo.
Smiling that wonderful sunshine smile of his, Justin walked down the steps and over to Brian, who looked him up
and down and was, for just a moment, speechless.
"I've laid yours out on the bed for you,” said Justin, a little nervously.
Brian ran his hand up and down the collar of Justin’s jacket, trying to disguise the shock he felt at seeing him
dressed this way. The last time he’d seen him in a tux had been at the school prom.
"What’s this all about? Why are you dressed like this? Are we supposed to be going somewhere … 'cos if we are
you can forget it …. it's been a long day …"
"No,” answered Justin. “We're not going anywhere. We're staying right here", and then he put his arms around Brian
and pulled him forward for a kiss.
"Please ….. just do this for me” he whispered and Brian, looking down into those wonderful blue eyes, knew there
was no way he could refuse Justin anything right then.
He sighed. "You gonna tell me what this is all about?" Justin shook his head.
"Not yet …. you'll find out soon enough. Now … go and get changed".
"Do I have time to take a shower first?" asked Brian: heading across the floor.
"No … we'll do that later", answered Justin, grinning at him.
"Mmm … I like the sound of that", and Brian grinned back at him as he climbed the steps, making his way to the
bedroom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin's stomach was doing somersaults, waiting for Brian to return and, when he did, he took his breath away.
"Daphne said you looked awesome … but I didn't realise how much", he exclaimed, as Brian walked across the floor
towards him, now wearing the tux: the black shirt open at the neck.
"Will I do?" asked Brian, holding out his arms and twirling round in front of him.
"Almost perfect" replied Justin.
"ALMOST perfect?" questioned Brian, moving closer.
"Yes", came the answer. "There's just one thing missing …" and from his pocket, Justin pulled out a white silk scarf,
which he placed around Brian's neck.
"Now … that's perfect", he said softly.
Brian blinked; he couldn't believe his eyes. "Justin … this cost a fortune. You've no right spending your money on
stuff like this”, and Brian couldn’t help recalling the time he’d placed an identical scarf around Justin’s neck at the
prom: the scarf that became soaked in the young man’s blood.
"It's worth it … just to see you wearing it", replied Justin and he reached up to kiss him.
After they separated, Brian asked; "Are you going to tell me what this is all about?"
Going over to the CD player, Justin turned off the music and then made his way to the VCR; he picked up the
remote. "I met an old friend from school today and she gave me something ……"
"Yeah?” grinned Brian. “I’ve heard that one before …"
Justin looked back at him. "Just shut up and listen”, he said quietly.
“She took me back to her house …” and he shot Brian another look: daring him to make another smart remark, but
Brian bit his tongue, as Justin was obviously deadly serious about whatever it was he wanted him to see.
“Stacey said she'd been meaning to get in touch with me 'cos she thought I'd be interested in this …" and Justin hit
the Play button and killed the coloured lights; just bringing in a single white light, illuminating the floor.
Brian stood in silence as he slowly realised what he was watching: The song playing made his heart lurch in his
chest and for a moment, he couldn’t breathe.
~~~~~~ O ~~~~~~
You can dance - every dance with the guy
who gives you the eye, let him hold you tight.
You can smile - every smile for the man
who held your hand 'neath the candle light.
But don't forget who's takin' you home and in whose arms you're gonna be.
So darlin' save the last dance for me.
~~~~~~ O ~~~~~~
Justin returned to Brian and took his hand.
"Dance with me?" he asked, quietly, looking up at him; searching Brian’s face for any kind of response.
"Brian … dance with me?" he repeated. But it seemed that Brian still didn’t hear him or comprehend what he was
saying and unable to drag his eyes off the screen. Eventually, he looked at him.
"It’s been a while. I .. I'm not sure I can remember everything we did …" said Brian, softly.
"That’s okay … I’ve been watching this all afternoon. I’ve got most of it ... I’ll remind you".
"What ... and you lead me?" and Brian smiled. "That'll be the day!"
Justin ran the tape back to the beginning of the song and started it again.
Taking a deep breath, Brian took him in his arms; barely able to contain the emotions he felt whirring around inside
him, whilst trying to recall every step, every turn of their dance at the school prom; trying not to let his mind take
him back to what happened afterwards: something that would always be far too painful to bear.
Dancing and whirling to the music, they both laughed when they missed their step and had to stop and pick up
where they were. And then suddenly, Brian lifted Justin off his feet, holding him tightly; spinning him around.
And he wondered which one of them the young man had actually gone to all this trouble for. Not for himself he was
sure, as Justin seemed to have resigned himself to the fact that memories of the prom would remain locked away
inside; inaccessible. So, instead of this evening intended as an attempt to re-awaken those lost memories, was it
instead a means to provide them both with new ones?
~~~~~~ O ~~~~~~
Oh I know that the music's fine
like the sparklin' wine, go and have your fun.
Laugh and sing, but while we're apart
don't give your heart to anyone.
But don't forget who's taking you home and in whose arms you're gonna be.
So darlin' save the last dance for me.
Baby don't you know I love you so
Can’t you feel it when we touch?
I will never, never let you go,
I love you oh so much
~~~~~~ O ~~~~~~
Suddenly, Brian brought them to a stop, took off the scarf and placed it around Justin’s neck and pulled him towards
him. He kissed him deeply.
Their mouths parted and Justin looked up at the older man. "I still don’t really remember too much about it”, he said,
sadly. “But I’m glad you came to the prom", and he looked deeply into Brian’s eyes, searching them; seeing how
they glistened.
Brian swallowed hard; "What … even after everything that happened?" he whispered.
And though the words had never been spoken out loud, Justin knew that Brian still blamed himself for that night;
thinking he’d made a target out of the young man he now held in his arms.
"Yeah … even after that. And I know what you’re thinking … but it wasn’t your fault ... you weren’t to blame", and
they kissed again: Justin hugging him even more tightly.
And now it was only the two of them, when before they’d kissed in front of a room crowded with people. But it
didn’t matter that this time there was no one else to see them. This was just for them: Even if it was so ridiculously
romantic.
~~~~~~ O ~~~~~~
You can dance, go and carry on
'til the night is gone and it's time to go.
If he asks if you're all alone
can he take you home, you must tell him no.
‘Cause don't forget who's taking you home and in whose arms you're gonna be.
So darlin' save the last dance for me.
‘Cause don't forget who's taking you home and in whose arms you're gonna be.
So darlin' save the last dance for me.
Save the last dance for me.
Save the last dance for me ...
~~~~~~ O ~~~~~~
(Acknowledgement: The Drifters: Save The Last Dance For Me)
The End.
Crusade for the Heart
It is the 12th Century. Sir Brian, Earl of Huntingdon, returns from the Crusades to aid the young Lord Justin
and protect him from the evil Sheriff. In return, can Justin heal the wounds Brian carries with him after his
experiences in battle?
Chapter 1
“Mother, Mother!” cried the excited boy, his blond hair falling over his piercing blue eyes. He was holding on to the
reins of his pony as tightly as he could, laughing all the while. His companion was trotting alongside him, a
protective hand at his back to ensure he would not fall off the small animal.
“Look Mother, I’m riding all by myself!”
“So you are Justin”, exclaimed his mother. “My, you will be a fine horseman one day”. The Lady Jennifer stood
watching her young son and his life-long friend, a youth with dazzling good looks; tall, slim, with dark hair and
hazel eyes.
Now an active five year old, Justin was eager to participate in everything. The world was an exciting place for the
young boy and every day promised new adventures. During the next couple of years, Justin would learn how to
swim in the lake, to fish in the river, to use a bow and arrow. He and his companion were inseparable, until one day
the young Sir Brian had some sad news for Justin.
“Come over here,” said Brian. “There is something I must tell you”. The lad came to sit beside him by the river;
their fishing lines still in the water. It was summer, the air was sweet with the scent of meadow flowers and
swallows soared above them in the cloudless sky.
“Justin”, he said, “there is a place far away from here, where our armies are fighting great wars. I have been called
upon to do my duty. I shall be leaving tomorrow and I do not know when I shall return”.
“Can I not come with you?” asked the lad. “No” smiled Brian, “this is men’s work. You are much too young. One
day, when you become a man, you will have your duties also, but they are a long way off. Now come, it is time to
return home”.
With a heavy heart, Justin rode with Brian back to St. James Castle near the city of Nottingham, where Justin’s
parents greeted them in the courtyard.
Jumping down from his horse, Justin ran towards them and grasped his Father’s hand. “Father”, cried Justin. “Brian
is leaving, please tell him not to go”. The lad was near to tears and fought to keep them back.
“I know”, said his Father, the Duke. “But Brian has a duty to do our King’s bidding. We must feel very proud of
him, Justin”.
The Duke faced Brian. “God Speed, Sir,” he said and shook his hand. Brian looked at Justin and saw the tears start
to fall from the young boy’s eyes. “Justin…” he said and held his arms out to him. But instead of going to him,
Justin turned around and fled, not wanting to say goodbye.
The following day, Sir Brian left for the Crusades.
Ten years passed and the year was now 1192. The Holy wars were a hopeless cause and the crusading Knights of
England were returning to their homeland.
But all was not well. With King Richard away in the Holy Land, his evil brother, Prince John, had attempted to seize
the throne for himself and was ruling the people with an iron hand.
In their absence, many Knights had their possessions seized by the Prince, who had given their lands, castles,
servants and riches to his co-conspirators.
Returning to Nottingham, the Earl of Huntingdon, discovered he no longer owned the land on which he had been
born and raised. Whilst he’d not had a particularly close relationship with his Father, he had eventually expected to
inherit lands and titles upon his death as was customary. But whilst he had been away serving his King, his Father
had been cruelly murdered on the orders of the Sheriff of Nottingham, in order to curry favour with Prince John.
It had been announced there would be an archery competition in the grounds of Nottingham Castle, with a rich prize
at stake. The Sheriff had many excellent archers in his service and was expecting one of his own men to win the
prize. He was eager to show the village folk that he had a strong imposing army, as there had been rumours of an
uprising amongst the common people.
Shrouded in a cloak, the Earl gained entry onto the grounds. He had returned home penniless, and with no
inheritance to claim he desperately needed the prize money awarded to the champion archer.
The Sheriff had commanded that Master Justin accompany him to the tournament in order to present the prize. Now
a comely young man of 17 years, with his good looks, and pleasing manner, he had attracted the attention of the
Sheriff, but had so far rebuked his unwelcome advances.
The Sheriff had promised him lands, titles and riches beyond compare, if only he would come into his bed. Justin
had so far rebuked him, but the Sheriff was becoming impatient.
Watching them from a safe distance, Brian saw how Justin shuddered as the Sheriff placed his arm around his
shoulders and spoke into his ear. Brian felt the bile rise from his stomach at the sight of this vile man leering over
the young man. With his Father the Duke called to do his service for the King, Justin and his family were now at the
mercy of the Sheriff.
There were many excellent archers entered in the competition and now it was the Earl’s turn to come forward, the
last to compete. Lowering the hood of his cloak, he removed an arrow from the quiver and placed it in the bow. He
took aim. His arrow was straight and true. It hit the target directly at it’s the centre and with this one arrow, the prize
was won.
Justin watched the hooded archer intently. There was a feeling of familiarity about this man and he felt an instant
attraction towards him. ‘Who is this one so beautiful’, he thought, ‘with his dark hair, hazel eyes, strong body and
dark, haunting looks?’
The stranger did not walk away. Instead, he drew another arrow and placed this one in the bow. He pulled back and
released. This one also hit the target at the centre, splitting the first arrow in two.
There were gasps from the villagers who had gathered to watch the contest. The Sheriff was furious that none of his
men were worthy of the competition. He did not like to look a fool and stormed back into the castle without the
courtesy of congratulating the victor.
Collecting his prize, the Earl stood before the young man. For a few moments, they looked at each other intently and
then he bowed deeply, but all the while looking at the younger man directly in his eyes. The bluest eyes he knew he
had ever seen.
Justin handed him the purse of gold coins. “Congratulations, Sir" he said.
“Thank you, Master Justin” came the reply.
Justin was taken aback: “Sir?” he replied, “You have me at a disadvantage. It would seem you know my name, but I
am afraid I do not know yours”.
“Oh but you do”, said Sir Brian. “Our families have been friends for many years. I even recall the day of your birth”.
Justin’s heart missed a beat. “Indeed?” he said. “How do they call you?”
“My name is Brian Loxley, Earl of Huntingdon”, Brian replied.
Justin gasped. Could this indeed be the man who, when he was five years old, had taught him how to ride, whose
strong arms had lifted him into the saddle? The same friend who had taught him how to swim and to fish and at age
seven had taught him to use a bow and arrow? Justin had remembered these times often and wondered if he would
ever see his friend again.
Oh, but how he had changed. Gone was the innocent youth that had once been Brian. Now, standing before him,
Justin could not help but notice the weariness in the older man's eyes. Eyes tinged with sadness and pain.
Justin wanted to continue their conversation, but they were interrupted by a servant who, on the instructions of the
Sheriff, had come to escort Justin back inside the castle walls. Justin looked pleadingly at Brian for him to intercede,
but the man before him dropped his gaze, unable to look him in the eye, and Justin did as he was bid and slowly
walked back to the castle gates.
Brian watched as the young man walked away. His heart heavy that he was unable to respond to Justin’s unspoken
request for help and felt weary beyond his years.
Knowing he must pay his respects to his Father's memory, Brian returned to the castle of his birth. It had been badly
destroyed and his Father buried within the grounds. As he was kneeling at the graveside, he heard a movement
behind him. Standing, he drew his sword and turned around to be confronted by the tallest man he had ever seen.
“John!” Brian exclaimed. “My Lord", said John, "it is you! I was watching the archery competition and I was sure
that it was. You have returned to England at sad times, Sir. Your Father tried to stand up to the Sheriff and paid for it
with his life".
"Yes", said Brian, “he is an evil man".
"Sir", said John. "There is but a small group of us, but we are loyal and steadfast. With you in command, we will
defeat his army".
Sir Brian shook his head. "Thank you", he said, "but I am not sure I am up to the task. I have seen much bloodshed
and suffering these long years. I am weary, I fear I do not have the heart for yet another fight".
"But Sir, there is still much at stake. With the Duke of St. James still absent, we fear his family will be the next to
fall to the Sheriff’s treachery", explained John.
Sir Brian was dismayed. He remembered the look on young Justin’s face, the look of helplessness at the very
mention of the Sheriff’s name. But Brian feared the courage he once had, would no longer sustain him. The
experiences in those far away lands had left many scars, and those that could not be seen, were the deepest of all.
"No John," he said. "You think too highly of me, I am afraid. I am not the man to lead you. I can only look for
revenge for my family and myself, and that will be difficult enough. I cannot take responsibility for others".
John was saddened. This was not the man he remembered from all those years ago. Though little more than a youth
when he had gone to war, John could remember many a time when the young Sir Brian had stood firmly for what he
believed in, standing up to his Father often when he had witnessed some injustice. It was hard to believe that he
would refuse to help them.
"I must leave you", said Sir Brian. "The hour draws late and I must find a place to rest for the night".
"Please, Sir Brian", said John. "You have come far and we have made camp in Sherwood Forest. At least allow us to
offer you a meal and shelter there".
Brian hesitated, and then said, "Thank you. That would be most welcome. I have indeed travelled a long distance
these passed weeks".
John took Sir Brian deep into the forest, where a rag-tag group of men ran to greet them. Many had been servants to
his family and well remembered the kindness of their master and were eager to hear of his adventures, hoping that
here at last was someone strong who could lead them in their struggle for freedom.
"John has kindly offered me a place to rest for the night before I must leave you," said Brian, politely refusing to
discuss the events of passed years. They all sat together around the fire, eating the remains of a wild boar one of the
men had killed the day before. Brian could see how disappointed the men were that he obviously had no wish to lead
them, but he did not have the stomach for another battle, another hopeless cause. At this point he did not even know
himself how he would proceed in claiming back his rightful inheritance and the truth was, he wasn't even sure that
he wanted to.
Shortly before midnight, Brian excused himself and John showed him to the shelter they had prepared. Bidding
goodnight to the huge man, Brian retired, thankful to sink into the straw mattress, pulling the sheepskin covers
tightly around him.
But sleep did not come easily to Brian and had not for many a long year. Every time he closed his eyes, the faces of
many men swam in front of him and he could hear their screams of terror resounding in his ears, and it was some
while before he eventually drifted into a fitful slumber.
John, out of loyalty and his need to protect this man who had once been his master had made his bed just outside the
door of the shelter. Suddenly, he was woken by the noise of faint whimpering and then by a cry of such anguish, that
he jumped immediately to his feet and went to the aid of Brian who, still asleep, was tossing and turning in his bed.
"Sir, Sir, are you alright?" whispered John who did not want to alert the camp to Brian's distress, shaking him gently
by the shoulder.
Sweating and breathing rapidly, Brian awoke and sat up and John saw the flicker of fear in his eyes before he
recognised the man standing over him.
"Thank you. It was just a nightmare - it was nothing. Please go back to your bed, I will be fine" replied Brian.
John withdrew: much concerned over what he had just witnessed, but knew the man had no intention of discussing it
with him further.
Brian lay back down on the bed. No more sleep would come to him tonight. All he could think about was the
suffering, the torture and death he had witnessed during his years at war, and of the many good friends he had lost
during that time. He thought also of the men he himself had killed in the name of duty – deaths that haunted him
still.
And then he remembered the young boy, Justin. Hanging on his every word; following him where ever he went,
copying his every move and realised he could not leave him to his fate.
In that moment, Brian knew he must indeed do his duty and become Justin’s protector. After all, isn’t that what he
had promised the young Lord's Father on his deathbed.
Chapter 2
The following morning, Brian gathered the men together. His decision during the night to lead them in their struggle
had, in the end, been an easy one to make. Now home, it was his duty to protect these men and their loved ones,
many of whom had served his family loyally for some years.
"I know I can count on you all to follow me, but there will be great danger. The Sheriffs’ men are many and have
trained hard." Sir Brian told them. “Gather all the weapons together as you can. I have no money other than the
purse I won at the archery and I have nothing else to offer you but my promise that I will do my very best”.
Turning to John, Brian continued; "I must leave you in charge, as first I have an errand to perform and I may be
away for a while. Do not worry, I shall return to lead you”.
Later that day, Brian arrived at the Castle St. James, and requested an audience with Lady Jennifer, who welcomed
him warmly inside. Her Ladyship curtsied and took him by the hand.
"Sir Brian”, she said. “It is many long years since we have seen you and I thank God you have returned from the
wars unharmed”.
“Madam”, Brian replied, “I do not believe anyone can return from such a place totally unscathed, but I am in good
health and I thank you for your concern.
“I am afraid I have sad news for you”, he continued. “Your husband was killed in battle. He died a brave and
fearless man. I was with him at the end and made a solemn promise that when I returned home I would endeavour to
take charge of the welfare of your family”.
“Thank you, Brian”, said Lady Jennifer. “I am very grateful to you. I had always known my husband might not
return from his service with the King”.
She beckoned him to be seated and then she spoke again. “How I remember when you were just a boy, coming here
to teach my son how to ride and use a bow. How the years have flown by and here you are now a man, offering us
your protection”.
Lady Jennifer turned to a young servant-boy standing behind her. “Is my son at home?” she asked.
“Yes Madam”, came the reply. “He is in his quarters”.
“Then”, said Lady Jennifer “please ask him to join us”.
When Justin came into the room, his Mother rose and curtsied before him, in accordance with his new position.
“Mother”, said Justin moving towards her. “What has happened?”
“My son”, said Jennifer, “your Father is dead. You are now head of this family”.
Justin went to his Mother and she took him in her arms. “I am so sorry, Justin”, she said. “I know how much you
loved him, but you must be strong, we still have many battles we must fight. Now come, look who is here, you must
remember Sir Brian?”
“Yes Mother, of course I do”, said Justin. “Sir Brian won the archery tournament at the castle yesterday”. Turning to
Brian, Justin continued, “You taught me to ride my first pony and to use a bow. You even made me my first sword
out of wood”.
Brian laughed at the memory of a small boy in the saddle and how he had run alongside him to make sure he did not
fall off when he had first begun to ride. He also remembered many days when he had taken Justin into the woods
and they had practised their archery and swordplay.
“That is now a lifetime ago”, said Brian “and now you are a young man with great responsibilities”.
"Justin”, said Lady Jennifer, “make sure our guest has everything he needs”. Turning to Brian, she said, “I expect
you and Justin will have a great deal to talk about. Please, stay as long as you like and perhaps you would like to
join us for our evening meal. It is the very least we can do”.
“Thank you”, said Brian. “I would be very pleased to”.
Lady Jennifer curtsied to them both and left the room, retiring to her chambers to mourn her husband.
Justin looked at Brian. “Were you with my father when he died?” he asked.
Brian thought hard as to how he was going to answer this question and replied quietly, “Indeed Justin, I was, and his
very last words were of how much he loved you, your young sister and your Mother”.
Unable to prevent them, Justin’s eyes filled with tears and he began to shake. Brian stepped forward to take him in
his arms, to hold him gently. Justin was on the verge of collapsing, so completely overwhelmed as he was with grief.
‘How can I tell him his Father died in great pain and suffering?’ thought Brian. ‘With a raging fever brought on by
infected wounds. Who at the end had not even recognised the friend he had known for so many years.’
“Hush now”, Brian said softly. “Your Father would wish you to be strong. You have your Mother and sister to take
charge of. I will help you in any way I can”.
Recovering and embarrassed at his behaviour, Justin pulled away. “Please”, he said, “come and eat with me and talk
to me of my Father. I want to hear all about your great adventures”.
As Lady Jennifer dined in her chambers with Justin’s small sister, Molly, Brian and Justin talked well into the night.
They ate and drank and Brian told Justin of his Father’s brave deeds.
As Brian was describing the many strange things he had seen in that far off land, Justin drew closer to him. He sat in
awe at the wondrous adventures his Father and Brian had undertaken. But as Brian continued to speak, Justin
became more quiet. The enormity of the responsibility, which now rested on his shoulders, became almost too much
to bear.
“How will I ever manage to live up to my Father?” asked Justin. “He was such a strong man, I loved him so much
and I cannot bear to think that I will never see him again”. Suddenly, he began to sob uncontrollably and Brian went
to him.
Taking him in his arms once more, Brian began to stroke the young man’s hair. He could taste the salt from the tears
on Justin’s face as their cheeks brushed together briefly as Justin nestled in Brian’s neck. He clung to him, desperate
for comfort and Brian’s heart began to beat faster and his palms began to sweat.
“Justin”, he whispered. “I have great faith in you. I know you will do whatever is asked of you and I will be at your
side”.
“I am so afraid, Brian”, said Justin. “Please, do not leave me, I cannot bear to be alone”.
Brian smiled, “Let me help you to your bed and I will stay with you, at least until you fall asleep”.
They climbed the stairs to Justin’s rooms, with Brian virtually carrying the young man. Justin’s strength had left him
and he was content to allow Brian to take charge.
On entering Justin’s bedchamber, Brian set him down gently on the bed. Candles had already been lit, sending a soft
light throughout the room and their shadows played on the walls.
Justin lay back upon the pillows. “Lie with me”, he whispered. Brian hesitated, but the look in Justin’s eyes melted
his heart; his resolve and he lay down beside him.
Justin turned on his side, facing away from Brian. Leaning back into him, he could feel those strong arms once again
bringing him comfort as they had when he was a child. He could feel the heat from Brian’s body and feel his breath
upon his neck. Drifting off to sleep, Justin felt completely safe, trusting that nothing could harm him with Brian
there to protect him.
Holding Justin in his arms, Brian fought to clear his head. Emotions stirred within him that he had not felt for a long
time. Emotions he was finding increasingly hard to keep under control and wondered if Justin might have any
feelings for him. However, now was not the time.
Justin had indeed grown from a boy into a man and at this moment what he needed most was a friend, not a lover.
Chapter 3
When Justin woke, it was dawn. There was no sign of Brian. Nothing to show he had even been there, save for the
memories Justin held. He was confused. His Father was now dead, leaving him as head of the family. The welfare of
his Mother, young sister and the people in the service of his family were now in his care. Justin was entering a
different world: a world of adulthood, responsibility, and duty.
Brian’s reappearance after all these years stirred some wonderful memories of his childhood. A time of innocence,
of endless summers and no problem more pressing than having to decide what name to give a new puppy, or how to
occupy his day.
He had always worshipped Brian; his strength, they way he never seemed to mind that Justin shadowed him
everywhere, passing on his archery skills, his knowledge of the best places to fish. But now his feelings were more
than these and Justin had never felt this way before and wondered if Brian might possibly feel the same way.
On his way back into the forest, Brian tried to make sense of the previous evening. Lying with Justin, but not being
able to touch him in the way he wanted, left him feeling empty and confused. He tried to put the young man out of
his mind, but try as he might, his thoughts kept returning to the blond hair, the blue eyes and the look of utmost trust
he had seen in them.
Until he could make sense of how he felt, Brian decided he needed to put some distance between himself and Justin.
There was too much to be done. He could not allow his feelings for the young Lord to cloud his judgement.
The men he had left had spent the previous day gathering branches to make into staffs and arrows and now gathered
around Brian, eager to hear his plans.
“We must attack the Sheriff where he will hurt the most – in his purse!” proclaimed Brian, much to the merriment of
the men surrounding him. “Our people are hungry and we must feed them. Now tell me, when are taxes next
gathered?”
The men told Brian that the Sheriff’s men were already visiting each outlying farm and village, collecting taxes from
the people. Taxes they could ill afford to pay.
Over the next few weeks, Brian and the men of Sherwood attacked at will, each of the tax collectors returning to the
castle with monies they had collected. Though taking great care not to harm the collector himself, only to allow him
to return to the Sheriff with tales of robbers, who having relieved him of his cargo, had sent him on his way.
Merchants on their way to do business at the castle were also relieved of their possessions and wealth. The Sheriff
was becoming increasingly angry at each new attack and now offered a reward to anyone who had information on
this band of thieves.
Each day, Justin hoped that Brian would visit him and thought of him constantly. Falling asleep in Brian’s arms,
feeling safe and secure only left him wanting more. And each day that Brian didn’t come to him left Justin more
disappointed and more determined that if Brian wouldn’t come to him, then he would find Brian.
Even if Brian didn’t feel the same way he did, Justin wanted the chance to prove himself a man. He had heard of the
attacks Brian’s men had carried out and wanted to demonstrate his worth.
Having been informed that wagons of grain were being taken to cellars within Nottingham Castle, Brian and the
men lay in wait for them by a small clearing. The grain had been confiscated by the Sheriff and was enough to feed
a whole village for several weeks and Brian was determined to return it to the people who needed it most.
As the wagons approached, Brian ordered the men to attack. There was much confusion, and shouting. Brian was
suddenly aware of someone by his side and was alarmed to see Justin about to jump down from his horse in order to
join in the fighting. Brian grabbed him by the arm.
“What are you doing here?” Brian asked.
Justin replied, “I’ve come to help you. I need to do my part”. “Not like this”, said Brian. “This is far too dangerous.
You could get hurt”. “So could you”, said Justin, looking Brian squarely in the face, annoyed that Brian appeared to
think he wasn’t up to the task.
Brian ordered Justin to stay where he was. Justin was furious; pulling his horse around, he headed for home. For the
moment, Brian could not afford to think about Justin, other than he was safely out of harms way.
The men cheered as the wagon-drivers ran off, leaving behind the grain, which would now be distributed among the
villagers. Once this task was completed, Brian's thoughts returned to Justin and he knew he was going to have to
face him.
Arriving at the Castle of St. James, Brian discovered that the Lady Jennifer and her daughter, Molly, were visiting
Jennifer’s sister in a neighbouring parish, leaving Justin and servants in the castle. At first, Justin did not want to see
Brian, still smarting at being sent on his way like a child.
Brian entered the great hall to find Justin standing by the fireplace and could clearly see the annoyance in his face.
All he had wanted to do was to protect him and keep him safe, but obviously Justin didn’t see things this way.
Justin turned to face him. “I am not a child any longer, Brian,” he said. Brian could not help but smile at the look of
indignation on Justin’s face. “No”, said Brian, “I realise that”.
Moving forward, Brian put his hand on Justin’s shoulder. “You took me by surprise”, he said. “I wasn’t expecting
you there. I only wanted to protect you”.
With Brian standing so close to him, Justin could feel the anger within him start to subside and other feelings began
to take their place.
“You look tired”, said Justin and he smiled. “I’ve heard that the Sheriff is none too pleased by the amount of money
he is being deprived of. Did you know there was a bounty on your head?”
Brian was surprised, “No”, he said. “I shall have to watch my back”.
“I could help you”, said Justin. Brian shook his head. “How can you tell me I have duties to perform and then not
allow me to do them?” Justin asked.
Brian looked into Justin’s eyes and whispered. “If anything happened to you, I could never forgive myself”.
For several long moments they looked deep into each other’s eyes and then Justin placed his hand at the back of
Brian’s neck and gently pulled the taller man’s face down towards his own. They kissed. Softly at first, but as
feelings began to rise within both of them, the kissing became more frantic, more urgent, Brian’s tongue seeking
entry into Justin’s mouth found no resistance.
For what seemed like an age, their mouths were pressed together. Brian’s hands roaming up and down Justin’s back.
Justin’s arms were wrapped tightly around Brian’s neck and shoulders.
For no other reason other than to breathe, eventually they parted. Justin stepped back, took Brian’s hand in his own
and turned to lead him away. Brian stopped him. “Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked. Justin only smiled
and then led him to his bedchamber.
Once inside the room, Justin lit the candles: the soft light shining in his blond hair. He reached for Brian again, but
this time instead of inviting another kiss, he pulled Brian’s tunic out of his breeches; pulling it up over Brian’s head,
and allowed the garment to drop to the floor.
Justin could not help but gasp. For a moment, Brian couldn’t understand his reaction and then he remembered. Even
in the dim light, a long scar was clearly visible over Brian’s left breast. Dismayed at Justin’s reaction, he tried to
turn away, but Justin wouldn’t let him. “Does it still hurt?” he whispered. Brian shook his head. Gently, Justin ran a
finger the length of the scar. His touch sent shivers down Brian’s spine, and, looking into his eyes, Justin could see
once more the pain and hurt he tried so hard to hide.
Slowly, Justin bent forward and kissed the scar. Brian’s senses were reeling, his head lolled back, and he was lost in
Justin’s gentle touch. Brian then bent forward and took Justin’s face in his hands and kissed him once more. He then
removed Justin’s tunic, gazing at the young firm body before him.
Taking him by the hand, Justin led Brian over to the bed and sat him down. He slowly removed first Brian’s boots
and then his breeches. He then did the same with his own.
Justin slipped onto the bed so that he was laying full length and Brian moved alongside him. Kissing Justin slowly,
with one hand behind his head, Brian’s other hand explored the length of Justin’s body, the smooth skin tingling
under Brian’s touch.
Brian kissed along Justin’s jaw line, down his neck and along his collarbone, before moving to his right nipple,
alternately, sucking and kissing the small mound for several minutes. He then licked Justin’s breastbone before
moving across to the left nipple, where he repeated his actions.
Then, slowly, Brian proceeded to lick down Justin’s chest and over his flat belly, stopping only when he reached the
coarse fair hair.
Justin arched his back and moaned softly. Never before had he experienced such feelings and his head was whirling
from Brian’s caress. This was more than he could ever dream of, ever hope for and he wanted it never to stop.
Brian looked up, bent forward and kissed him, slowly. Pulling away, he positioned Justin to make his entry. But then
he stopped and looked up at him. Waiting for permission to proceed.
Softly, Justin whispered. “Please, be careful. I’ve never laid with anyone before”.
Brian smiled and nodded. “I will be as gentle as I can,” he promised. “But it will hurt a little. The first time always
does. But I will get you through that”.
Slowly, he entered Justin, pushing beyond that first muscle ring, which then clenched around him; Justin’s body
automatically trying to prevent him from proceeding any further.
Justin whimpered with the pain and shut his eyes tightly, trying to block it out. The blood was rushing in his ears
and he could barely hear Brian urging him to relax, to breathe.
He tried to follow these instructions as Brian began his long, slow thrusts. Thrusts which grew harder and which
quickened until Justin felt he was falling. Falling over the edge into the precipice below.
He moaned and opened his eyes. He could feel his own body harden. Brian’s face was inches from his own. His
eyes were shut, his mouth open. They were both sweating and breathing hard. Brian’s thrusts became shorter,
withdrawing little before pushing further, further into Justin.
Brian could no longer think rationally. Buried deep inside Justin’s body, he was lost in a whirl of emotions he
thought he would never feel again: a connection with the very heart and soul of the young man under him. Thrusting
harder and faster, his head swimming and his blood pounding, he was aware of Justin's moans of pleasure from
beneath him. Moans of pleasure mixed with moans of pain: that sweet, wonderful, explicit pain, at Brian’s invasion.
But he would not stop. He could not stop. Until eventually, they both reached a point where their bodies became
one. Where the climax of their union exploded in their ears until Brian almost stopped breathing and then, finally,
only just able to prevent himself from collapsing on top of Justin, their orgasms signified with one joint final moan
of ecstasy.
Chapter 4
Brian had been awake some little while. The candles had long since extinguished and only now as the dawn sky
lightened, could he see once more Justin's form lying beside him. Caught in the golden light streaming in through
the window, he looked so young, innocent and very beautiful. Lying on his side, his breathing was quiet and
rhythmic and his face peaceful. So peaceful that Brian didn't have the heart to waken him, so exhausted he must be
after their lovemaking: lovemaking that went on long into the night.
Though endearingly inexperienced, Justin had been eager to learn and Brian more than willing to teach him. He had
explored him with his eyes, his hands and his mouth and Justin had opened himself up totally. Giving Brian full
access to his body, his heart, and his very soul.
In turn, Brian had encouraged Justin to do the same. Though shy and embarrassed at first, Justin quickly felt at ease
in his presence. With Brian's guidance and soft words of encouragement, he soon learned how to bring both of them
pleasure; Brian showing him how to stroke, how to caress, where to use light feathery touches and where to apply
gentle pressure. Sensations of pleasure, more wonderful than Justin could ever have imagined.
Brian lent over and kissed him on the shoulder. Justin murmured and rolled onto his back and opened his eyes. "I'm
sorry", said Brian. "I hadn't meant to wake you". Justin reached up and placed his hand on Brian's cheek. "No
matter", he said. "I'm glad you stayed. I would have hated to wake up and find you gone-um-after last night", he
stuttered, suddenly embarrassed in the cold light of day, lying as he was, naked by Brian's side. He dropped his gaze,
pulling the covers around himself.
Brian smiled. Not wanting the young man to see that he'd noticed his discomfort, he exclaimed, "Come - let us go
and find some breakfast. I'm starving!" Getting off the bed, Brian quickly dressed and went down to the kitchens.
For a moment, Justin hesitated. He was glad Brian had left the room; it gave him time to gather his thoughts together
about what had happened the previous night. The memory of Brian's touch sent shivers through his entire body. He
remembered how he had shown him where to touch, where to kiss and where to use his tongue in order to extract the
most pleasure.
Brian had reached down to his very core and he'd allowed Brian to fill him completely. He'd given himself entirely
and yet, when Justin tried to reciprocate, he'd felt Brian was holding something back, not willing to give of himself
completely - not in the same way Justin had.
Once dressed, Justin went in search of Brian and found an annoyed if rather amused cook hovering around the door
to the kitchens. Mistress Andrews had been employed at the castle since before Justin was born and this was her
domain.
"Master Justin!" she exclaimed, addressing him as she had always done, completely dismissing the fact that he was
now the new Lord. "Young Master Brian has taken over the kitchen and told me to go and put my feet up". Justin
laughed. He could well remember many a time as children when both he and Brian had sneaked into the kitchen in
order to sample the cakes and pastries prepared there. "My, it's good to have him back", she said smiling.
Justin took her arm and gently propelled her down the corridor. "Then Mistress", he said, "You had better do as he
asks" and sent her on her way, muttering as she went as to what on earth was she supposed to do for the morning if
she couldn't get into her kitchen.
Justin went inside. "What on earth are you doing?" he asked. "We have a cook and servants to prepare us meals". He
moved across the room to where Brian was cooking some eggs in a pan over the fire. He had found the side of bacon
and had carved off thick slices, which were already sizzling away.
Brian laughed. "In the crusades, we didn't always have servants at our beck and call", he said. "I'll have you know I
am quite adept in the use of a skillet!" deftly turning out onto a plate, two beautifully cooked eggs, to which he
added the bacon, along with chunks of fresh bread and pats of butter. Pouring out some fresh milk, he invited Justin
to sit and eat.
They ate in silence. Neither of them it seemed wanting to break the comfortable quietness they were enjoying. When
they had almost finished, Justin asked "Tell me about them, the Crusades". "I already have", answered Brian, hoping
Justin wouldn't continue questioning him about those times.
"You've told me romantic stories about wonderful adventures you and my Father experienced", said Justin. "But that
isn't how it really was, is it?" The last sentence more of a statement of fact than a question asked.
Brian sighed and put down his knife and fork. "What is it you want me to tell you?" he asked.
"The truth" replied Justin.
Brian looked at him and Justin saw it there again, deep hurt and sadness and memories of painful times. Times it
seemed he wasn't being allowed to forget.
Brian reached for the last of the milk and took a long swallow, thinking about what he was going to tell him. Maybe
it was time for the truth. Justin was now a man, not a boy still in need of protection from the world's cruelty.
"I'm not sure you have the stomach to hear it, nor I the stomach to tell you," he said.
Justin moved his stool nearer to Brian and placed a hand on his arm. "Whatever it is, let me share it with you. I'm
not a child, Brian. Please don't continue to treat me like one".
So Brian told him. Told him of the countless battles in many small towns and villages. Of the men who had met
cruel, painful deaths, either by the hands of the enemy or whose strength ebbed away under fiercely hot skies, with
no water, no shelter from the heat of day, nor protection from the cold of night.
He told him also of the women and children that had sometimes been caught in the middle of such terrible conflicts.
Their bodies broken and torn: killed by the sword or trampled by their horses.
And he told Justin of the men he himself had killed in battle. Men killed sometimes at close quarters, where he had
seen the fear in their eyes when they had known they were dying. Men, who even now, still haunted his sleep, not
allowing him any peace.
Brian's voice was quavering and Justin could see he was close to tears. But there was still one question he had to
ask. Whatever the cost might be to Brian.
"What about my Father?" whispered Justin. Fighting to maintain control, Brian told him how having joined forces,
he, the Duke and their men had been ambushed. Realising Brian and the Duke were noblemen, they had been
allowed to live and had been imprisoned, their captors hoping to make use of them at a future date. However, their
men had been slain in front of them.
Brian told how he had gone to the Duke’s aid when he had been pulled from his horse. How he himself and been
caught by an attacker’s blade in trying to defend Justin’s Father. But the Duke had been mortally wounded and after
they had been thrown into a cellar, the Duke had fallen into a raging fever.
With no medical assistance, no drugs to ease his pain, without even any fresh water, all Brian could do was embrace
him, to try and prevent him hurting himself further, until eventually, as the fever took it's toll, his thrashings ceased.
No longer could he speak and lost all control.
The Duke died pitifully in Brian's arms, with Brian's last, but unheard promise to him, that he would somehow
return home and protect the Duke's family.
In a desperate bid for freedom, Brian himself had feigned death. His captors threw his body unceremoniously into
the back of a wagon to be taken for burial. Once outside the city walls, it had taken all the strength Brian could
muster to overpower the solitary guard and make his escape.
He travelled for two days on foot, without shelter, food or water before happening, purely by chance, and totally
exhausted, upon a small band of Knights. Fellow countrymen who sickened by the bloodshed and the futility of their
task had decided to abandon their quest and return home. They welcomed Brian, dressed his wounds and allowed
him to accompany them back to England.
Justin tried to place his arm around Brian's shoulders: overwhelmed as he was by the truth that he had demanded
from him. But Brian stood up and walked away, turning his back on him, not wanting to allow Justin to see how
close to breaking point he really was.
Justin walked up behind Brian and, slipping his arm around his waist, he turned him to face him. Gently, he reached
up on tiptoes, so as to rest his chin on Brian's shoulder and embrace him. He felt Brian lean into him, allowing
himself for a few short moments to be comforted.
Brian pulled away. "I'm sorry Justin", he said. "Maybe it's best that I leave". " No", said Justin. "I can't bear to think
of you on your own right now. Instead, I have an idea. Do you remember the river, where we used to swim and fish?
It is perfect there this time of year. Come, let us fetch the rods and see what we can catch". Brian hesitated, but
Justin insisted. "Come on, it will do you good. Forget everything else for one day".
Brian smiled. It would be good to relive those carefree days of their youth once more, he decided. They grabbed
some apples and a flagon of wine from the pantry and ran down to the stables, collecting two fishing rods from the
store on the way. Quickly, they saddled their horses and rode off to where their favourite spot by the riverside had
once been.
Now, lying by the water's edge, their fishing lines cast into the river, Brian and Justin talked about their childhood,
recalling a time of endless summer days and balmy nights. Justin was pleased how his suggestion to come to this
place had proved to be a relaxing release for Brian and now were gone the dark clouds that had overcome him at
breakfast.
The day turned hot and with the midday sun high overhead, they moved beneath the shade of a large old oak tree,
where they ate the fruit and drank from the wine flagon. The sunlight produced a dappling effect through the
branches and, as Brian watched Justin as he chatted gaily, he could see the golden highlights the sun picked out in
his hair.
They grew quiet; both enjoying the solitude, with just the rippling water of the river winding it's way through the
countryside, the only sound to be heard.
Slowly, Brian leant over to Justin, only hesitating momentarily before kissing him. Justin returned his kiss and
quickly, in the knowledge that they were unlikely to be disturbed, they undressed each other and proceeded to make
love beneath the leafy canopy.
In the next few weeks, Brian and Justin met as often as they could; here, by the riverside or Brian would come to the
castle. They made love with a passion and urgency that consumed them completely.
Much to his Mother's dismay, Justin managed to persuade Brian to allow him to take part in some of the raids on the
Sheriff's tax collectors, travelling merchants and convoys of goods on their way to Nottingham Castle.
However, during one such raid, one of the merchants recognised the blond-headed young man from the times he had
done business with Justin's Father and quickly made his way to the Sheriff to inform him of his discovery.
It was approaching midnight and, as arranged, Justin lay, waiting for his lover to come to him. He had drifted off to
sleep, still fully clothed. He had not bothered to disrobe, as undressing him was one of the things Brian liked to do.
He awoke, hearing the sound of horse's hooves on the cobbles below and went to his window, hoping to catch a
glimpse of the man he was waiting for. However, there was no moon tonight and no one could be seen in the
courtyard.
Justin smiled to himself as he heard the footsteps approaching up the stairs and didn't bother to turn around when the
heavy oak door opened quietly behind him. He could feel the presence of the man now standing behind him and
sighed as a hand slid around his waist and then moved slowly downwards to his groin. Justin moaned softly and
leaned back into the larger man's body.
But then his moan of pleasure became a cry of pain and shock, as the hand gripped him tightly. And, as the
laudanum-soaked cloth was clamped tightly over his nose and mouth, all Justin could hear as his head began to
swim and before the blackness came, was the Sheriff's voice murmuring coldly in his ear, "I have waited far too
long. Tonight you will be mine".
Chapter 5
Lady Jennifer screamed at the Sheriff, holding her young daughter Molly behind her skirts for protection from the
men who had suddenly invaded their home.
“Please don’t take him from me!” she pleaded. The Sheriff of Nottingham had bodily picked up the young Lord,
who was now unconscious and carried him down the stairs from his rooms. He threw Justin over the saddle of his
horse and climbed up behind him.
“Madam”, he said. “Tell the leader of the men who have been robbing me blind that I shall be waiting for him. In
the meanwhile, Justin can amuse me”. The Sheriff pulled his horse’s head around and he and his men galloped back
to Nottingham Castle. Upon arrival, he passed the still form of his prisoner over to the servants who were waiting.
“Take him to my chambers” he commanded, “and prepare him”.
Doing as instructed, Justin was carried to the Sheriff’s rooms and laid upon the bed. Tenderly, two elderly women
servants undressed him and then washed him. He was not the first young man to be brought here for the Sheriff’s
pleasure.
Brian’s plans for that evening had been thrown into disarray. Just as he was setting out to meet with Justin, he’d
received word that a shipment of gold was due to be delivered to the Sheriff. He and his men had set a trap. But their
wait was in vain. The shipment never arrived.
Reaching St. James’ Castle much later than he had intended, Brian found Lady Jennifer sobbing. “He’s taken him.
He’s taken my son”, she cried. “Who?” asked Brian frantically. “The Sheriff” said Jennifer. “But it’s you he wants
and said he will be waiting for you”.
Brian was mortified. “Do not worry”, he said. “No harm will come to him, I promise”, and he ran back to the horse
tethered in the courtyard, desperate to get to Nottingham Castle as quickly as he could.
Lady Jennifer watched him go. Turning to a terrified servant, she said “boy, go quickly into the forest and fetch
help. Tell Sir Brian’s men what has happened, for he will be no match for the Sheriff’s army on his own”, and the
lad ran into the night in search of assistance.
With his horse at full tilt, Brian galloped recklessly towards Nottingham Castle. He had no time to form a plan and
could only rely on his instincts and prayed he would be in time to save Justin from the Sheriff.
He dare not dwell on what his young lover might be suffering. All Brian could think of was the young man who had
given of himself so freely and the promise he’d made to Justin’s Father on his deathbed: How he’d promised to
protect him. He would not be able to live with himself if he failed him.
Now inside his rooms, the Sheriff reached for the wine flagon and swallowed down a large quantity of the dark
liquid. The object of his desire was in his bed at last. The guards would alert him when his visitor arrived. He could
take his time.
After consuming the alcohol, the Sheriff mounted the few stairs to his bedchamber. He walked across the room to
the bed and gazed down at the young man. Justin, still unconscious, had been laid on his back, his arms folded over
his chest. He looked so peaceful, so very beautiful.
Slowly, the Sheriff removed his cloak and sword and climbed upon the bed so that he was straddling the naked
form. He stroked Justin’s face and hair. Then he took him by the wrists and pushed Justin’s arms up over his head.
Justin began to stir and opened his eyes. Gradually, as his head began to clear, he realised who it was holding him
down and tried to struggle. But the man was too heavy and Justin could not push him away.
The Sheriff bent forward for a kiss, but Justin managed to turn his head. Releasing one of his wrists, he took Justin
by the chin and forced him to face him. He roughly pressed his mouth on to Justin’s, but after a few moments sat
bolt upright, yelping in pain, wiping the blood from his mouth that had been drawn with a bite.
With venom, the Sheriff slapped Justin hard across the face. “You will pay for that” he spat. Still weak, Justin was
unable to resist and was rolled over on to his belly. With one hand on the back of his head, he was held down as the
Sheriff unbuttoned his breeches.
Pulling Justin’s head up by his hair, the Sheriff forced himself inside. Justin cried out in distress, a red mist filling
his mind from the hard thrusts of the man on top of him. Try as he might, Justin could not hold in the tears which
now streamed down his face from the agony being inflicted on him so easily. His face was pushed into the pillows
as the Sheriff’s thrusts grew faster and more violent, becoming too much to bear.
Justin could barely breathe and from the lack of oxygen, and the lasting effects of the drug, thankfully, he lost
consciousness once more.
The Sheriff continued until finally he reached orgasm and withdrew. Panting heavily, he buttoned up his breeches
but remained sitting astride Justin, waiting for his breathing to return to normal.
With the blood still pounding in his ears, he failed to hear the door open behind him or detect the man walking
stealthily across the floor. And only became aware of his presence when the steel blade of the sword was pressed
against his neck.
“Move away from him”, said Brian quietly.
Slowly, the Sheriff moved backwards on the bed until he was able to place his feet on the floor and stand up. He
turned to face the hooded man, who was now holding the sword at his throat.
“How did you get passed the guards?” asked the Sheriff.
“You call those men guards? They are a drunken rabble. It was not difficult to slip passed them” answered Brian.
He moved alongside the bed so that he could see Justin more clearly and was thankful to find that his lover was still
alive.
“Who are you?” the Sheriff asked.
“My name is Brian Loxley, Earl of Huntingdon” replied Brian, lowering the hood.
“Loxley?” said the Sheriff. “Yes, of course. Your Father was a very foolish man. He stood against me, so I had to
teach him a lesson – at the end of a rope” he gloated.
Brian stiffened in anger. Suddenly, Justin moaned softly and, for a split second, his attention was diverted away
from the Sheriff, who seeing his chance, moved swiftly towards him, catching Brian with a glancing blow on the
shoulder as he tried to move out of the man’s reach.
Brian stumbled backwards, but regained his footing. He now stood in the middle of the room, his sword still trained
on the other man. The Sheriff smiled. “Will you not allow me at least the courtesy of a fair fight? As you can see, I
am unarmed” he said.
For a few moments, the two men faced each other. Brian then motioned to the Sheriff to retrieve his sword, which
he’d discarded earlier, walking backwards as he did so, in order to maintain the same distance between them.
The Sheriff bent to pick up his weapon. However, he did not share Brian’s good breeding and instead of
acknowledging the civility that had been accorded him as was customary, he immediately charged towards Brian,
but Brian parried him. They moved around the room exchanging blows, each man striving to anticipate the other’s
action.
They were well matched: each countering the other man’s swordplay. The Sheriff was becoming angry that he could
not overcome Brian and was determined to somehow bring him to his knees. Feigning a thrust to his left, he
suddenly moved to the right, but Brian managed to hold him off. The Sheriff stepped in close to Brian and caught
him in the chest with his forearm. Brian went tumbling backwards, but he held on to the Sheriff’s tunic and the two
of them rolled on the floor together.
The Sheriff was winded, but Brian recovered quickly. On his feet in an instance, he now stood over the older man,
his sword at the Sheriff’s throat.
The room was silent, save for the men’s hard breathing. Sir Brian and the Sheriff of Nottingham looked each other
in the eyes. The Sheriff knew that by rights he should now be dead and could not understand the other man’s
hesitation. Brian was sweating and he began to shake. ‘How many more men will I have to kill?’ he wondered.
The Sheriff began to smile. He reached up and slowly pushed Brian’s sword away from his throat. Brian stood back,
releasing him. “You don’t have the stomach, do you?” gloated the Sheriff, rising to his feet.
Brian was breathing hard and his blood pounded in his ears. He shook his head in an attempt to clear his thoughts
and for just a moment, closed his eyes. From the bed, Justin stirred, crying out in fear and confusion, bringing Brian
suddenly to his senses. But it was too late. In that instance, the Sheriff was upon him. He grabbed Brian’s arm
holding his sword and the two of them were locked together.
Memories of other encounters such as this came flooding back to Brian. Many a time he’d fought in close combat,
face to face, hand to hand, with other enemies. Brian staggered backwards under the weight of the larger man and
fell against the windowsill. Hitting Brian’s arm against the wall, the sword fell from his hand. The Sheriff was the
heavier and Brian found himself shoved backwards over the edge, the other man intent on pushing him over.
Using all the strength he could muster, Brian forced him back. The Sheriff was raging and with a growl, which came
from deep within him, he lunged at Brian for one last time. As the man hurtled towards him, Brian moved quickly
sideways, catching him in the ribs and shoving him upwards in one motion. Before he could stop himself, the Sheriff
found he was falling through the opening and, with arms flailing, fell to his death on to the cobbles below.
Brian sat on the floor under the window trying to recover his senses. He could hear the sounds of horses and
shouting coming from below. He knew he had to get Justin away from there as speedily as he could.
Getting to his feet, he recovered his sword and moved swiftly to the bed. Justin was curled tightly into a ball. He was
shaking. Brian sat down beside him and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. Justin shuddered and cried out in fear
at the sudden touch. “It’s me”, Brian whispered. “You’re safe now”.
Quickly, Brian wrapped Justin in the bedcovers and, gathering him in his arms, carried him down the stairs, where
he found John and the Men of Sherwood holding back the Sheriff’s army. The Sheriff’s death had left his men
confused and powerless, and without a leader, were no match for Brian’s men.
John helped Brian place Justin upon his horse and Brian climbed up behind him. The young man was shaking and in
the dawn’s light, Brian could see the tearstains on his face, bruised from the Sheriff’s treatment of him. ‘How could
I let this happen?’ he asked himself.
Lady Jennifer ran to meet them as they returned to St. James’ Castle. Brian gently handed Justin down into John’s
arms, but did not dismount from his horse.
Justin’s Mother looked up at him accusingly.
“John”, she said. “Please take my son up to his rooms so that I might tend to him”. She looked at Brian. “Sir”, she
said. “You are not welcome in my home”.
Slowly, Brian turned his horse around and rode away.
It was so perfect, here by the water's edge. And, sitting beneath the branches of the old tree, the only sounds he
could hear were those of birds flying overhead and the rippling water.
This had become almost a daily ritual for Sir Brian, spending time here, quietly and alone. After much deliberation,
he had decided to return to the castle of his birth, in order to try and rebuild his former home and, hopefully, his life.
It had been four weeks since the attack on Justin. Four weeks which had brought many changes. As well as the death
of the Sheriff of Nottingham, word had come that the King was returning home to England in order to reclaim his
throne and with his return, hopefully, peace would be restored.
The Men of Sherwood had rejoined their families. No longer were they being starved and robbed of what was justly
theirs and gradually more Knights were returning from the Holy Land to reclaim their birthrights.
John and several of the men who had formerly worked on the Huntingdon estate had resumed their employment and,
with Brian, were now working on the reconstruction of the castle. Part of the ground floor had remained intact, but it
was still a huge undertaking.
Brian knew it was unlikely the building would ever be fully returned to its previous grandeur, but he’d decided that a
smaller, more homely dwelling would better suit his needs. After all, he was likely to spend much of the time there
alone.
It had also been four weeks since he had last seen Justin; the same night that Justin had been raped by the Sheriff.
The look on Lady Jennifer’s face and the bitterness in her voice when he’d returned her son to her stayed with him
still. But no-one could blame Brian for what had happened more than he could ever blame himself.
He was sickened by the thought of the suffering his lover had endured at the hands of the Sheriff. The way Justin
had even shied away from Brian’s touch that night. Seeing his face bruised and tearstained: his body trembling and
aching from the brutal assault.
He had failed to keep his promise to Justin’s Father, but more than this, he had failed Justin himself. Brian had once
thought he could never have feelings for another, but Justin’s innocence, openness and ability to love him totally had
aroused emotions he had always managed to suppress.
When Brian left England so many years before he had loved Justin as a child, but now he was a man: a beautiful,
intelligent, loving, caring man. And when they made love, Brian knew that Justin gave himself entirely, trusting him
completely. But try as he might, Brian was aware that he had always held back, just a little, never being able to
commit as unconditionally as his young lover had been able to do. Never had anyone reached down and touched
Brian as Justin did. And these unfamiliar feelings he felt for the young man scared him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He had ridden by St. James' Castle on a number of occasions, hoping to catch sight of Justin within its walls and had
once managed a glimpse of the blond haired young man walking across the courtyard. But here, by the river, was
where Brian felt close to him; they had made love here many times. Memories that brought Brian back to this place
again and again.
Suddenly, he heard a noise behind him and turned around to see who was there. Sitting on his horse, watching him,
was Justin. "How long have you been there?" asked Brian quietly.
"A few moments", Justin answered.
The two men faced each other. There was so much Brian wanted to say. Yet he couldn't find the words. Couldn't
find the courage to declare what he really felt. So instead he turned, and started to walk away towards his own horse.
"Brian!" called Justin after him, jumping down from the saddle. "Please, don't walk away from me. I need to talk to
you".
Brian stopped in his tracks. He'd ached so much to see Justin; speak to him, touch him, and yet now he was here his
mind whirled and he couldn't think of a single word to say. Couldn't trust himself to reveal the things he was so sure
Justin wanted to hear.
Justin approached him slowly and was now standing only inches away. He wanted to touch Brian so much, and yet
something about his posture told him now was not the time.
"Why have you not been to see me?" he asked.
Brian sighed and there was a long pause. "I didn't think you'd want me to" he answered at last.
Justin walked around Brian so that he was now facing him. Brian had bowed his head, not wanting to look him in
the eye. "How can you think that?" Justin continued. "You saved my life".
Brian shook his head. "You were nearly killed because of me,” he answered. Not wanting to voice what else Justin
had endured that night.
Justin decided it was worth taking the risk of rejection and laid a hand on Brian's arm. He didn't pull away, but at
Justin's touch, Brian felt as if a lightening bolt had passed straight through him. "You're not to blame. It wasn't your
fault,” said Justin.
Brian looked up to face him at last. "I don't believe that" he said "and neither do you. If I hadn't allowed you to ride
with us, the Sheriff would never have been able to use you to get to me".
Brian pulled away from Justin's grasp and mounted his horse. Justin grabbed hold of the reins, preventing Brian
from leaving.
"We need to talk properly,” pleaded Justin. "You can't just ride away like this. There is still too much to be said".
"There is nothing I can say to you, Justin” said Brian. "I will always be to blame for what happened. No-one can
change that and no words can ever be enough to tell you how sorry….." Brian broke off unable to finish what he had
wanted to say and he pulled the reins from Justin's hands and rode away.
'If only I could tell you how I really feel', thought Brian. 'How I would have gladly died myself that night rather than
ever see you hurt'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now the men had gone to their homes after a long days work and Brian was alone. He ate the stew that had been
heating over the fire and, as darkness fell, retired for the night.
He lay on the bed; his body exhausted from the day’s toil. He was worn out from the labor he'd undertaken, as
despite his noble birth, Brian enjoyed using his hands and was glad to do his share of the work required in rebuilding his home. It kept him occupied and prevented him dwelling on the past. But after his chance meeting with
Justin, Brian had started to question the wisdom of staying and wondered if he should, after all, put some distance
between him and his former lover.
With his mind still churning from seeing Justin earlier that day, it was some time before he drifted off to sleep.
Years of being vigilant however, had taught him to sleep lightly and he awoke at the sound of a horse trotting across
the cobbles.
Quickly getting out of the makeshift bed set up in one of the castle’s few rooms still intact, he put on his breeches
and boots and hastily picked up his sword. The rider had dismounted and he heard footsteps approaching. There was
banging on his door. Brian waited. It came again. “Who’s there?” he shouted.
“Brian, it’s me. Justin”.
“What do you want?” Brian asked.
“I need to see you, to talk to you. Please, won’t you let me in?” came the reply.
Brian rested his forehead on the door; his head spinning and wanting Justin to leave, but his heart was urging him
otherwise.
“Brian” continued Justin. “I’m not going away”.
Finally, Brian lay down his sword, picked up a lighted candle and slowly opened the door.
“May I come in?” asked Justin.
Incapable of saying anything, Brian opened the door wider and gestured Justin to enter.
Once inside the room, Justin turned to face him. “The work on the castle is going well. You must be pleased” he
said.
“How can you tell that?” asked Brian, setting the candle down. “You can see very little now in this light”.
Justin smiled. “I’ve ridden here a few times and I’ve sat and watched you whilst you worked” he said.
Brian was totally confused, not knowing how to respond. He’d had no idea that Justin had been anywhere near his
home these passed weeks and wondered why he would make such a journey.
Eventually, he asked “Would you like some wine?”
“Thank you, I would” came the reply and Brian poured out two goblets and handed one to him. Briefly, Justin’s
fingers brushed over his as he took the drink from him, sending a shiver down Brian’ spine.
He motioned Justin to sit and now they were facing each other, but at a distance, on opposite sides of the room.
They drank silently, until softly, Justin asked “Why did you not come to see me?”
Brian closed his eyes briefly, then rose up from his chair and walked over to the fireplace. The embers were burning
low, giving off a soft light around the room. He set his goblet down, crossed his arms and rested them on the mantle.
He bent his head forward, his forearms now supporting his chin. He kept his back to Justin, not wanting to face him.
Justin put down his drink, stood up and walked over to him. Standing behind him he gently placed a hand on Brian’s
shoulder and asked again. “Why didn’t you come to me?”
“I told you, I didn’t think you’d want me there. Your Mother certainly didn’t” came the reply.
“My Mother has no right to decide who I should or should not see!” said Justin. “I am head of the family now”.
“That’s as maybe,” said Brian, looking down into the smoldering fire, still refusing to look at Justin.
“But to your Mother, you will always be her son; her little boy” he said.
“Brian, look at me” said Justin. “Look at me!” he repeated, and when Brian didn't move, Justin took him by the
elbow, spinning him around to face him. But still Brian wouldn't look him in the eye.
Justin's heart went out to the man standing there in front of him, so obviously in pain. He looked so alone, so distant.
Gone was the self-assured, confident Brian he had fallen in love with.
Gently, he took Brian's hand in his own, their fingers entwined. "I know you blame yourself for what happened", he
said softly. "But you shouldn't. I always knew what the Sheriff craved of me. He’d made that plain enough on many
occasions and he just used you as an excuse to get what he’d always wanted."
Brian blanched at the memory of finding Justin in such distress. The Sheriff's brutality had left him sickened and he
fought back the tears threatening to come to the surface.
Justin now reached up and stroked Brian's face with the palm of his hand. "I need you", he whispered. Brian shook
his head. "I have nothing left to give you" he said.
"I don't believe that,” said Justin. Brian tried to break free from his grip, but Justin held on.
"Don’t do this, Justin, please", he said. “I’m not the man you think I am. I can’t give you what you want from me”.
Justin looked at him. "Are you telling me you don't want me any more?" he asked. But Brian said nothing. "Is
it……Is it because another man touched me?" he asked.
Brian shook his head. "No, of course it isn't" he said. "I just don't know if I can be of use to you any more".
"Brian," said Justin. "I need you now more than ever". But Brian refused to acknowledge him.
Letting go of his hand, Justin turned away. Brian’s heart fell. Justin was walking out of his life and he didn’t think
he could bear it.
But Justin didn't leave. Instead he took off his cloak and slowly pulled his tunic up over his head. Standing before
Brian, his body glowing in the soft firelight, he whispered "Can you look at me now and tell me you never want me
again? That all the times we laid together, meant nothing to you?" asked Justin.
Brian's blood began to pound in his ears. He could feel his pulse quicken, his heart banging in his chest and his
hands begin to sweat. God, how he wanted this young man. Wanted him more than he could ever admit to him. Let
alone ever admit to himself.
He could hold back no longer. With two strides Brian reached him. Taking Justin’s face gently in his hands he bent
down to kiss him; the tenderist kiss they had ever shared.
With one arm around his shoulders and another around his waist, Brian asked gently "Are you sure you want to do
this? After what happened? After…" But Justin put a finger to Brian's lips to stop him.
"I don't remember all of it,” said Justin.
'Thank God' thought Brian. 'That the drug given to him had at least dulled some of Justin's pain'.
"But I do remember enough" he continued. His voice was low and Brian could detect a tremble as he recalled
memories he tried to forget.
"I remember sufficient to keep me awake at night, feeling those hands on me, feeling him inside me" and he had to
hold on tightly to prevent Brian from pulling away from him, recoiling from the images in his mind.
"Which is why I need you all the more." Justin said, reassuringly. "I need you to remind me how it could be, how it
should be" and, reaching up, he drew Brian's face down to his and their mouths met in a kiss as passionate as either
of them could ever recall.
Justin led Brian to the bed and together they slowly undressed each other. "Please, be careful" said Justin,
remembering the tenderness Brian had shown him when they had first laid together and there were tears now in his
eyes.
Lying alongside him, Brian bent forward and with one hand tangled in the blond hair, kissed Justin's eyelids, gently
licking away his tears. He kissed down Justin's chest and over his belly, before moving back to his mouth again, at
the same time, his other hand stroking the inside of Justin's thigh. Justin moaned. All memories of the Sheriff
expelled from his mind to be replaced by images of the man he loved.
And then Brian entered him, took him to that special place that was theirs alone and he was lost in his touch, his
kiss, his caress. "I love you", whispered Justin.
Brian's senses were reeling, his mind spinning wildly. Here, now inside Justin once more, reaffirmed the feelings he
suspected he’d had all along. But he had never allowed himself to believe he was capable of loving Justin in the way
this exquisite young man loved him. Was still unsure he could ever love Justin in the way he so deserved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When daylight came, Justin lay in Brian's arms. Both of them exhausted from the night's passion. Slowly, so as not
to disturb his sleeping lover, Justin turned to face him and without waking him gently brushed his cheek with his
hand. He looked so at peace; so contented.
Last night had been like the very first, but this time, and most likely unawares, Brian had opened up absolutely:
completely. And Justin had reached that part of him no-one else had been allowed access to before.
Brian may not realize it he thought, but there was still another battle to be fought. One upon which Justin was about
to embark. A crusade of his own: a crusade for Brian’s heart. A battle Justin was determined to win.
The End.
Home Run
Brian and Justin have gone their separate ways following the Rage Party. After successfully launching his
own advertising agency, Kinnetik, in Pittsburgh, Brian moves to New York to open up a second office. Justin
accompanied Ethan to Europe, but their relationship is over. Returning to Pittsburgh, he discovers that Brian
has moved away. Realising that he must get on with his life without Brian, Justin takes a position in
Hollywood as an animator and now lives in L.A. Brian is approaching his 40th birthday. Tragedy strikes and
he suddenly has custody of his ten year old son, Gus. What happens when events bring both Brian and Justin
back to Pittsburgh?
With acknowledgements to 'Sleepless in Seattle'
Chapter 1
Brian:
~~~~~~
Brian rattled the front door of the old building. It was locked and the realtor hadn’t yet arrived. He looked at his
watch. He’d been in New York two days and still hadn’t found what he was looking for.
‘Where the fuck is he?’ He had two further properties to view that afternoon and he was running out of time.
“Mr. Kinney, Paul Weinbach. I’m so sorry I’m late, the traffic is a bitch…” the man trotted up to the front door,
keys in his hand. “Well, you’re here now so, do you mind? Only I’m pushed for time”.
Having shown Brian around the interior, they wound up back on the ground floor. “As you can see, most of the
renovations have been completed; additional windows, the whole place has been re-wired, new heating system and
there are computer links everywhere. If you’re looking for something a little unusual, well, then I guess this is it”.
The building was an old movie house. An additional floor had been put in where the seating area had once been, and
it was now a very spacious property.
“How come the price is so low compared to the others I’m due to see?” asked Brian, leafing through the brochure.
“Someone was all lined up but it fell through at the last minute”, replied Weinbach, “which is why the lease is up for
grabs again and the owners want to move fast. This only came back on the market yesterday and is bound to attract a
lot of interest, so you may have to make a quick decision”.
Brian walked around the floor. This was just what he was looking for and, as a bonus, the agent was pretty hot too!
“So, are you interested?” “Oh, yes. I’m interested alright”. Brian had been circling the man, who now coughed
nervously and straightened his tie. He stuttered, looking through the papers on his clipboard. “Well, I ….. I have a
copy of the lease here, if you wanna get your lawyers to look over it…”.
Brian took the board from his hands and tossed it on the floor. Deftly, he walked him backwards so he was now up
against the cold marble pillar and begun to undo his belt. Brian lent towards him. “I don’t kiss”, the man said. “They
all say that,” grinned Brian and he gripped him at the back of his head and pulled him forwards.
He felt him resist at first, but it wasn’t long before his lips parted to allow Brian’s tongue entry into his mouth and
they kissed long and hard as Brian unzipped him. Pulling away suddenly, Brian spun him around and pulled down
the man’s pants and shorts. From his pocket he took out the packet of condoms and lube he always had on him. He
tore open the packet with his teeth and took out the rubber. Unzipping himself, he pulled on the condom and quickly
squeezed out a small amount of lube. He coated himself and, parting the man’s buttocks, he rubbed a little around
his hole. The man gasped. “It’ll heat up in a minute”, whispered Brian in his ear.
The sex had been relatively quick and, for Brian anyway, pretty unsatisfactory. But he’d felt a lot like this lately he
realised. He’d be with a trick only to find he got bored halfway through and his mind would wander in some other
direction.
He was bored with Pittsburgh and with his life: the same clubs, the same men hitting on him. Even now at 36, Brian
was still hot and didn’t have to try too hard. But he found he was mostly going home on his own after clubbing these
days and tried to convince himself that this was how he wanted it.
Time for a new challenge and it was partly this and the need for a total change of scene that had brought Brian to
New York.
It had been a few years since he’d had taken the plunge and had set up his own advertising agency. It had been
damned hard work, but Kinnetik was now a successful and growing concern. So successful that Brian had decided it
was time to open up another office, leaving Cynthia to run the show in Pittsburgh, giving him the opportunity to
stretch himself.
Brian signed the lease, brushed off the request to get together again and, after returning to Pittsburgh briefly to
collect a few belongings, took possession of his offices. After arranging for the equipment, hiring a temporary PA
and art department staff, Kinnetik New York was launched. Three weeks after that, tired of living out of a suitcase,
he moved in to an apartment in the village.
Justin:
~~~~~
Justin was waiting to board the plane for the US when his cell phone rang. Looking at the display his heart dropped
into the pit of his stomach when he saw the name light up: Ethan. He cancelled the call. It was too late; there was no
going back now.
He’d left Pittsburgh, his friends and family, to go with him to Europe, where they’d been based these last years.
Ethan had wowed them in the best auditoriums, playing London, Paris, Milan and Vienna. His CD’s had
consistently been in the bestseller charts, both in classical and popular music and whilst touring, Justin had taken the
opportunity to study the classic art of the masters.
Reluctantly, he’d allowed Ethan to finance him at first, whilst struggling to make a name for himself. Though his
talent for art had never been in doubt, the brain injury Justin had suffered as a result of a bashing in his late teens had
left him with reduced mobility in his drawing hand, which cramped and shook after 10 or 15 minutes of holding a
pencil.
But Justin wouldn’t be beaten. He’d persevered, using a computer with special software where necessary and over
recent years had steadily received more and more commissions for illustrations and art work for books, posters or
covers for the music industry, an opening which he’d managed to exploit through his connections with his lover.
But now he’d left everything behind in their apartment in Paris. He’d have to arrange to get his things shipped back
to the US as soon as possible. He touched the bruise on the side of his face and winced. It still smarted.
At first, Ethan had seemed happy for him when he’d started to get work. But gradually, as Justin needed to rely on
him less and less, he became sulky, moody and Justin had noticed other things; money going out of their joint
account with no explanation, whispered telephone calls late at night, which Ethan tried to keep from him, excuses
for not being home at an agreed time.
And finally, the night before, Justin had gone to the theatre to meet his partner and take him out to dinner as a
surprise. Going down to Ethan’s dressing room, he found the door slightly ajar and, without thinking, had walked
right in.
The only light in the room was that coming from around the large mirror in which Justin saw their reflections. The
young man was bent over the table, his pants and underwear around his ankles. Breathing heavily, lost in the
exertion, Ethan hadn’t notice him and Justin stood transfixed, unable to move as he watched his lover fucking.
He felt sick and it was all he could do not to physically throw up. It was the trick who realised Justin was there first,
but Ethan could not stop, he was near orgasm and, gripping the younger man by the shoulder he let out a loud, low
groan as he came.
Finally, turning around, he realised Justin was there. But without a word, Justin turned on his heels and fled home:
Ethan rushing in right behind him.
“Babe, let me explain…” “Explain what, how your dick got up his ass?” yelled Justin. “Tell me one thing Ethan,
how many more are there? Just how dumb have I been?” Justin was standing in the middle of the floor staring at
him. Ethan turned away, but Justin stopped him. “You’re not walking away from this, I want to know”.
Ethan brushed him aside, “Why are you making such a big deal?” he asked. “Because you once told me you wanted
me to be the only one” answered Justin. “That there should be no one else and I believed you. But how long have
you been fucking around?”
“It’s none of your fucking business what I do, who I see, so but out!” and, without warning, Ethan had brought his
hand up hard against Justin’s face, sending him reeling with the pain and shock.
Justin had packed his bag immediately. Ethan had pleaded with him not to go, but, looking back, Justin realised that
the aggression had always been bubbling away just under the surface, disguised by the passion he felt for his music.
Justin knew he’d been played for a fool and he wasn’t sticking around any longer.
He shoved the cell phone back in his pocket as he waited at Charles de Gaulle Airport for the announcement of his
flight back home.
It was two weeks after Brian had left for New York.
Chapter 2
Justin:
~~~~~~~
“Justin”, said Daphne as she opened the front door. "Welcome home". It had been a tiring journey and arriving back
in Pittsburgh, he’d called her. He didn’t know where else to go. He didn’t want to call his Mom yet and he knew he
could always rely on Daph. Half stumbling through the door he collapsed in tears into the arms of his best friend.
During the flight, he’d tried going over where things had gone wrong with Ethan. Was he to blame? Hadn't he been
enough for him? Justin had thought it would be forever. At least that’s what Ethan had promised him. But
reluctantly, he realised that the telltale signs had been there for a long time. He had just not wanted to see it.
Daphne led him into the lounge room where they stood hugging for some time. She let him cry it out. "I'm, sorry
Daph, I didn't mean to fall apart," he said eventually. "That's Okay. I think you're entitled" and they sat side by side
on the sofa. “What are you going to do now?” Daphne asked. "Well, I guess the first thing I’ve gotta do is get a job
and sort out somewhere to live”. “Well that part is easy enough. You can stay here with me”, she said, putting an
arm around his shoulders. “Thanks Daph. I’ll take you up on that for a while, if that’s Okay”.
He was exhausted. It was afternoon and he'd not slept at all in the last 36 hours. Picking up his holdall, Justin
followed Daphne as she showed him to the spare room. “Do you want anything to eat?” “No, thanks. I just need
some sleep”. And he kissed her on the cheek.
Sitting on the bed, his tiredness suddenly gone, Justin couldn’t help but think of all the years he'd given to Ethan;
following him to Europe, giving up his family and friends - and Brian.
Brian: It all seemed so long ago now. He was only a kid back then. But in truth, Brian never treated him that way
and at least their relationship had been honest. Brian had never promised him anything, but going over their time
together, Justin realised now that Brian had demonstrated his love for him by his actions, not by fancy words and
empty, romantic gestures.
The last time he'd seen him was at the Rage party: the launch of the one and only edition of the gay crusader, when
they broke up. Ethan was offered the chance to play abroad soon after and Justin had gone with him, to a new life; or
so he thought.
With his mind full of so many jumbled thoughts, it seemed he would never get any sleep, but when at last he did and
his body's defence mechanism kicked in, he slept for 14 hours.
Around 6.30 the following evening, Justin woke. He was starving. He hadn't eaten since the last plastic meal served
up on the airline. He showered and dressed quickly and went out to the kitchen to see if he could fix something for
himself and found Daphne preparing a meal. "Finally!" she exclaimed. "Sleeping Beauty awakes. I was just coming
to fetch you". Justin looked at her and managed a grin.
He sat at the table watching her, and they involved themselves only in small talk. "So, have you had a chance to
make any plans yet?" Daphne asked finally, serving up their meal. She sat down opposite him. "You don't have to
rush to get a job do you? Why don't you take a few days, have some time to yourself?" "Well, I must go and see
Mom and Molly; it's been too long and I did think I might look a few people up", said Justin quietly, his voice
trailing off. Daphne sighed. "Do you mean Brian?" but Justin only shrugged.
She laid a hand on his arm. "It's been a long time, Justin. I'd heard he'd set up on his own, but I haven't kept in touch
with any of those guys now for years. It might not be a good idea to open up old wounds remember".
Justin laid down his fork. "I know Daph, but I can't stop thinking about him. I shouldn't have given up on us; on him,
so easy, I know that now. Brian was always honest about us. Painfully honest, but at least I knew where I stood. He
didn't promise me there wouldn't be other guys, but the way he saw me through the bashing and everything, well, I
should have realised then what it was he was actually telling me. That he loved me, in his own way."
He rose from the table and went to the window. "I have to try and see him Daph. See if there's still a chance for me,
a chance for us".
"Do you think it's too late?" he asked, turning towards her. Daphne went over to him and gave him a hug. "I don't
know Justin, but I guess you have to try".
He went to the bedroom to check the clothes he'd brought back with him. Clean jeans and tee's were about the best
he had right now. Hardly clubbing wear, but it would have to do.
Woody's: It was 10.30pm. and this was a good enough place to start. He entered the bar and searched the faces,
recognising no one there. He ordered a beer and hung around for an hour and then decided to move on.
11.30pm. Babylon. If Brian was going to be anywhere, then here was a good bet.
The place hadn't changed much. Still the thumpa thumpa beat and dance floor crammed with half-naked guys. He
climbed the steps to the gallery so that he could look down onto the crowd below. He couldn't see anyone he knew:
not Michael or Ben, Ted or Emmett, and especially the one person he was looking for. Maybe it was a little too early
yet.
Fending off several offers to dance, Justin eventually left and toured Liberty Avenue, scouring practically every bar
and club along its length. He asked a few people if they knew Brian and if they'd seen him. Those he asked either
said they didn’t know him or that they hadn't seen him for quite a while. Justin frowned. It hadn't even crossed his
mind that Brian might not be such a frequent visitor here these days.
He thought about taking a cab over to the loft and then decided against it. Just turning up out of the blue might not
be a good idea, especially if Brian had a trick with him.
Around 4.00am. he went back to Daph's. She'd given him a spare key so he wouldn't waken her. He wasn't really
tired, jetlag hadn't sorted itself out yet, but he took a nap and then showered. He would have breakfast out.
8.00am. The Liberty Diner: He took a deep breath before entering. It was very likely that some of the old gang
would be meeting up here before going on to work. And, sure enough, sitting at the counter was Emmett Honeycutt.
As he sat down on an empty stool, Emmett casually glanced over, then suddenly he realised who it was. "My
goodness, Justin? Is it you?" "Hi Em. How's it going?" but before he had a chance to answer, a loud voice bellowed
throughout the establishment:
"SUNSHINE!" Justin cringed. He didn’t have to turn around to know who that was and, before he could move, arms
wrapped around him in a bear hug.
Debbie Novotny was the heart and soul of the Liberty Diner and the Mother of Brian’s best friend, Michael. She’d
also practically raised him as her own when things got rough at Brian’s house, which was often.
"Hi Deb", he coughed, hardly able to breathe. Debbie released her grip. "Let me look at you. My goodness, you’re
all grown up now. So Sweetie, what brings you back here? And where's that cute boyfriend of yours?" she asked,
looking around, hardly stopping for breath.
Justin said nothing and suddenly felt very shaky being reminded of him. Realising at once that something was
wrong, Debbie put an arm around his shoulders. "Hey, you two had a fight, is that it?" "More than that Deb. I .. I've
left him. We're through".
“Oh Sweetie, I’m so sorry”, said Debbie, moving around to the other side of the counter. She picked up the coffee
pot and poured him a cup. “Still, it’s good to have you back. What do you plan on doing now?” she asked. “I’m not
sure. I’ll go and see Mom and Molly and then I’ll have to see about getting a job”.
Justin took a sip of his coffee whilst Debbie and Em exchanged glances. Without saying anything they knew they
had the same thought: ‘When was he going to ask about Brian?’
He asked Debbie how she was doing and Debbie said she was doing just fine, thank you. He asked Emmett about
work and was he seeing anyone. He asked about Ted and about Michael and his boyfriend, Ben, and just about every
damn person other than the one he was really interested in.
Emmett made a hasty excuse to leave for work, saying he hoped to see Justin again soon. Debbie’s look said it all.
‘Thanks for saddling me with this, Em!’
Justin took another sip of coffee as Debbie wiped down the counter. The bell sounded as the door opened and he
immediately looked up to see who was coming in. He was obviously disappointed when it wasn’t who he was
hoping for.
He put down his cup. “Debbie, does …. Brian still come in here?” he asked, trying not to sound too eager.
Debbie took a deep breath and went around the other side of the counter to sit next to him. “Justin, Brian’s in New
York”. “Oh. Do you know when he’s coming back?”
She put an arm around his shoulders. “Sweetie, he’s not coming back”.
Brian:
~~~~~~
It had been a rough few months. Setting up in a new city had been far harder than Brian had imagined. He’d been
here a few times before, but mostly for pleasure. Here, he knew no one and had to make brand new contacts. It had
been a lean time to begin with, but now, gradually, new clients were coming along.
11.00pm. Friday night and he was still working. Everyone else had gone home with plans made for the weekend.
Brian closed down the laptop and stretched his back. Jeez, he felt tired. He decided to call it a night. He gathered the
papers together and locked them in the cabinet. Switching off the light in his office and locking the door behind him,
he then walked down the stairs to the ground floor, checking the doors and windows as he went.
He set the alarm and let himself out. It was a warm night and despite his tiredness, he wasn’t really looking forward
to going home.
Home was a two-bedroom apartment in the village. It was okay, it had a nice view from the windows and had come
unfurnished, which meant he was able to select his own furniture and equipment, but it still had an empty feel about
it.
Getting in his car, Brian took out his cell and dialled a familiar number. Finishing his conversation, he put the cell
back in his pocket and made his way home. Pulling up outside the apartment, his caller stepped out of the shadows
and, together, they made their way upstairs. ‘He’ll do’, thought Brian.
“Do you wanna drink?” Brian asked, closing the door behind them. The other man shook his head. “No thanks”, he
said, “but let’s get the money part over with first shall we? It’ll save any embarrassment later on”. Brian took out his
wallet and peeled off the notes. “That right?” he asked, handing it over. The other man nodded. “On the button.
Now, where’s the bedroom?”
Brian led the way. He turned on the soft lights and closed the curtains, whilst the other man began to undress. Lying
on the bed, he watched Brian as he took off his clothes and couldn’t help wondering why this man had to buy his
services. Sure, he was a lot older, 10 maybe 12 years, but he was still hot, and had a great body. It couldn’t be that
hard for him to find a guy.
Brian reached into the nightstand drawer and took out the packet of condoms and lube.
“Turn over” he instructed. Tearing open the packet, he put on the condom and squeezed out a little lube, which he
applied to himself and around the man’s hole.
He entered him, slowly at first, then increasing the power of his thrusts, barely pulling out before pushing in further
and deeper: faster and faster. Near the edge, with the blood rushing in his ears, he was unaware of anything else
other than the person beneath him.
The man climaxed, his cum soaking the sheets and Brian felt him clench around his cock, bringing on his own
orgasm. Finally, with one last push, he collapsed on top of him and lay breathing heavily for a few moments.
He rolled off and reached out and took out a cigarette from the pack on the nightstand and lit it. “Is it okay if I take a
shower?” the man asked. “Sure”, said Brian. “There’s a clean towel on the rail you can use”.
Brian lay smoking the cigarette. He could hear the water running. Time was he’d be in the shower with him, but not
now.
The young man came back into the bedroom and began to dress.
“Can I ask you something?” he said. “Sure, why not” answered Brian, barely able to keep out the sound of boredom
from his voice.
“Who’s Justin?”
Brian went cold. He looked at him. “Wh …. What?” he asked.
“When we were fucking and you were about to cum, you called his name.”
“No, you must have misheard me. I …. I don’t know any Justin,” said Brian. He suddenly felt sick and his head was
pounding. He had to get this guy out of here quickly and he rose from the bed and grabbed his robe from the chair.
They got to the front door when the man turned around. “Can we hook up again?” he asked. “I don’t think so”, said
Brian and he closed the door behind the young blond.
Chapter 3
Justin:
~~~~~
Justin stared at Debbie in disbelief. He could hardly speak and then only in a whisper. "What do you mean, he's not
coming back?" The words had hit him like a sledgehammer.
"Well, after he was doing so well on his own, I guess he decided it was time to try somewhere else; start up again".
Debbie could see the tears behind Justin's eyes and wanted to give him a hug, but she could feel he was pulling away
from her.
"When was this?" he asked quietly. "When he moved to New York? Just about two weeks ago".
“What about Gus and Lindz?” “Hell, they haven’t gone anywhere. Brian was hardly what you might call a full-time
Dad now, was he? But I think Gus will miss him. Don’t think Mel minded Brian moving away mind”, Debbie said
with a chuckle. Mel and Brian had never got on, with Mel often accusing Lindsay of putting Brian before her.
“And he just left, just like that?” “Well, honey, I don’t think it was a spur of the moment decision. I think he was
planning it for a while”.
“Sweetie, I don’t suppose he thought for one moment, that you might come back here, if that’s what you’re
thinking…..”
Justin got up off the stool. He had to get away to think about what he was going to do. Debbie was still trying to talk
to him as he walked towards the door, but he wasn't hearing her. He opened the door and then suddenly, turned
back. "Debs, you said he started up his own business. Out of interest, what did he call it?”
"Kinnetik. Clever huh?" she answered.
Justin managed a weak smile and wave before he left. "Sunshine, you come back and see me soon. You hear?" but
he was gone.
Kinnetik; Justin was surprised that Brian had remembered.
Justin left the diner with no idea where he was heading. Everything was just a blur. Two weeks. He'd missed him by
two fucking weeks. But New York? Okay, so it's only like seven hours driving time away or an hour and a half
flying, but it might just as well have been the other side of the world altogether as far as Justin was concerned.
It wasn’t the distance, it was the very fact that Brian had been able to move away from Pittsburgh, the place he’d
lived all his life; leaving behind friends, a young son, and any memory he might have of his time with Justin.
Brian obviously made the decision that his life would never again include him. Brian had moved on. Now he must
do the same.
Brian once thought of moving to New York before and had told Justin that if he did, he would expect him to forget
all about him. Maybe it was time to put those words into practice.
He decided he should contact his Mom. She'd be furious to find out he was back home and hadn't been to see her.
Justin called her cell phone.
"Hi Mom, it's me. How are you?"
"Good". How's Molly?"
"Me? I'm… Mom, I'm back in Pittsburgh. Ethan and me, we split up".
"Right now?……. I'm on Liberty".
"Sure. I'll see you there" and he hung up. His Mom sounded genuinely upset for him and wanted to see him as soon
as possible. They made arrangements to meet at a nearby coffee house and Justin made his way there.
Ten minutes after he arrived and was seated, Jennifer Taylor came rushing through the door. She gave him a big
hug. "Sweetheart, why didn't you tell me you were coming back? I'm so sorry to hear you two broke up. Where are
you staying?" she asked, as the waiter came to take their order.
"I'm at Daphne's. I'm okay Mom, really. It was a bit of a shock that's all. I … I found him with someone else, after
everything he said to me; promised me. So I knew I just had to come back".
"Well, I'm so pleased to see you, it's been too long. What are you going to do now?"
"Well, I was thinking about finishing off my education, getting my qualifications. Leaving with Ethan, I never got
around to doing that, so that’s what I’m gonna do".
"That's great news, darling. I'll love having you around…….."
"Mom, I'm not staying in Pittsburgh. I'm not sure where I'm going yet, but I'm not staying here".
His Mother looked disappointed, but she knew how determined Justin could be. He obviously had something in
mind and nothing she said would get him to change it.
Later that day, back at Daphne’s, Justin made the phone call he’d been dreading:
“Ethan, it’s me. …… No, I’ve not changed my mind. …… Ethan, listen to me. I’m not coming back. ……I’m in
Pittsburgh. …… No, it’s no good you coming here. I just rang to ask if you’d pack my stuff and get it shipped over.
I’ll pay you back. Ethan, please…… just do this one thing for me. ……. No, I’m sorry too. ……. I’m at Daphne’s.
I’ll give you the address. …….. You…you take care of yourself”.
Justin gave Ethan the address and put down the phone. He suddenly felt very lonely and started to cry. Coming in
from work, Daphne found him curled up on the sofa, sobbing his heart out.
“He’s gone, Daphne. Brian’s moved to New York. I’ll never see him again. I’ve lost everything. Ethan and Brian!”
“Hey, come on baby,” and he let her hold him, until the tears subsided and he stopped shaking.
Some time later, Justin came out of the bedroom, where he’d gone to lie down for a while. He’d decided to start
researching schools and colleges around the country straight away and, using Daphne’s computer, eventually found
the Art Institute of California San Diego. It had just the course he was looking for: Media Arts, which included
animation and advertising and sent off for an application form.
He would have to wait for his things to get back from Paris to show them examples of his work. He didn’t have the
time or the equipment to produce anything new right now. He knew he would have to get some work whilst he was
there to fund him through and, as there were various film studios in the vicinity, he hoped one might take him on as
an intern.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin had spent the day packing up his belongings. Eventually, his stuff had arrived from Paris, without even so
much as a note from Ethan. His Mom had insisted on buying him a reliable car. It was going to be a very long
journey, but as well as his clothes, CD’s and Walkman, he wanted to take with him his computer and disks, on
which he’d saved all the work he’d previously produced.
He’d been accepted at the Art Institute and had also lined up an interview with Fox Studios at San Diego. He’d sent
them examples of his work and they were very interested in seeing him.
He kissed his Mom, Molly and Daphne goodbye and drove off. He had no idea if or when he would ever return to
Pittsburgh. All he knew was that he needed to move as far away as possible so that he could start to make a new life
for himself: One that didn’t include Brian.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin graduated from the Institute with honors. His time as an intern was invaluable to him, if lowly paid. In order
to survive, he worked three nights a week at a local bar and lived in shared accommodation. However, on
graduation, there were no openings at the studios and he was forced to look elsewhere.
Trawling the trade mags, he found a possibility. Calitronix, based in Los Angeles, had an opening in their animation
department. He called them. They were willing to see him. So he drove the 120 miles or so north for the interview.
They were a young company and, having seen Justin’s work, were eager for him to come on board. Now all he had
to do was find somewhere to live.
Sitting in a diner, Justin checked out the ads in the local papers and marked a few possibilities. He wasn’t sure if he
could make the rents on his own and knew he would probably have to share. He called a couple of places and agreed
times to view.
Tim Warner, a technician with a computer company, was an attractive man in his early 30’s and Justin immediately
felt at ease in his company.
Located in Venice, the accommodation consisted of two fairly large bedrooms, bathroom, living area and kitchen,
but he was obviously very wary of any prospective housemate.
During their conversation, Justin picked up on the underlying theme and realised Tim was probably gay. Once
realising Justin would be the ideal person with whom to share, they sorted out the rent and house-rules and Justin
moved in.
Chapter 4
Brian:
~~~~~
"Hi Cyn, how's it going?" "Going great, Brian. Have you seen this months' figures yet?" "Sure have, but I'm a bit
worried about the Atkinson Account. Tell Marty I'll call him when he gets back from his trip. I've got an idea I
wanna run pass the two of you that I think might just swing it". "Okay Brian, will do. Otherwise, how is it in the Big
Apple?" "Oh, you know, busy-busy: just as always. I'll call you in a couple of days to see how it's going. Bye".
"Bye, Brian".
'Busy-busy', he thought. 'Damn, when isn't it!' Brian was becoming a victim of his own success. Kinnetik had earned
a reputation as being an agency with a unique approach to advertising; no bullshit; they told the truth. Well, as close
as you could get to it anyway.
Over the years, Brian had realised that consumers now saw through most advertising campaigns. They liked to know
the facts behind the products and wanted to know their downside as well as the benefits and Brian had the balls to
tell them. It was a shock to most clients what Brian wanted to do with their campaigns, but once they got over that,
the majority were more than happy to go along with them.
In the passed few years since he moved to New York, there hadn’t been room for much else other than work. When
he decided that it was time to go out on his own, the setting up of the Pittsburgh office had been hard enough and he
knew that area; was a native, understood the territory. But moving here had been an even bigger challenge. Here, no
one knew the name of Brian Kinney.
Sure, he’d won an award sponsored by a prestigious NY advertising agency once, but that was years ago and trying
to break into the big boys in the Big Apple had been more difficult than he could ever have imagined.
Initially, when he’d arrived, the temptation to check out the clubs and bars had proved too strong. But it hadn’t taken
long for him to realise that they were the same places, playing the same music with the same hot guys that he’d left
behind in Pittsburgh.
And in any case, the clubs were now full of kids, practically half his age and he felt out of place in them. He didn’t
want to look a pathetic loser, chasing young guys, even though he told himself that if he wanted to, he could still
manage the odd conquest, or two, or three, hell - make that a hundred!
But even the tricks were starting to bore him these days. He’d pick up a guy every now and again, but mostly
through his work contacts. Or he had the telephone number where they knew what he liked.
Brian looked at the appointments calendar on his laptop. His week was more or less all fixed up. ‘Fuck’ he muttered
to himself, checking the date. It would soon be his 40th birthday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Happy birthday, Dad. Did you get the card I made you?”
“Hi, Sonny-boy. I sure did. Thank you, it’s great”.
“Dad, when am I gonna get to see you again? It’s been like ages”. Brian sighed. He spoke to Lindsay and Gus on the
phone most weeks, but it had been months since he’d been back to the Pitts for a quick visit, to tie up some legal
papers and see his son. It was over three years since he’d moved to New York and in all that time he’d seen Gus on
only six occasions.
He knew he was a lousy Dad. Though despite the little time he’d spent with him throughout his short life, Brian
loved his son dearly. Fatherhood just didn’t come easy to him.
“I know, Gus. But I will see you again soon, I promise”.
“Promise? Scout’s honour?”
“Scout’s honour”, replied Brian.
“Okay. Mom wants to talk to you. I’ll put her on. Bye Dad. Love you.”
“Bye, Sonny-boy. Love you too.”
“Hi Lindz. How’s it going?”
“Brian, I thought you were gonna try and get back here for your birthday. When are we going to see you again? We
all miss you, you know”.
“Sorry, Lindz. It’s just been so busy. I haven’t had five minutes………”
“What, not even to come visit your son? He’s growing up Brian. You wouldn’t recognise him now, he’s changing
all the time. You’re missing out on a lot you know and it’s not like you’re on the other side of the world”.
“I know, I know. I will get a trip in soon. I promise. And by the way, I don’t need reminding about my birthday.
This is one I’m trying to forget”.
Lindsay chuckled. “Brian Kinney at 40. Who’da thought it. So, what are you gonna do for your birthday? Got some
hot guy lined up?”
“No”, answered Brian. “Actually, three hot guys, if you must know”.
“Well, that sounds like the Brian Kinney we all know and love. Glad to hear things haven’t changed. Well, you have
a good time and come and see us soon”.
“I will Lindz. Bye”
“Bye Brian”.
As soon as Brian put down the phone it rang again.
“Brian”, “Yes Maggie”.
“Michael’s on the line”. “Thanks Maggie. ……….. Hi Mikey and before you start, don’t you dare wish me a happy
birthday”.
Michael Novotny laughed. “I got there before you pal, don’t forget that. If I have to suffer the indignity of being 40
years old than so do you”.
“So, what are you doing for your birthday? Got some orgy to go to?”
“Well, I thought I’d start off at the View Bar and then maybe on to the Duplex, followed by the Spider Club, Avalon
………..”
“Okay, okay. I get the picture. Well, you have a great time. Are you gonna be getting back here again soon?”
“I’ve already had this conversation this morning with Lindsay and yes, I will get back soon. I promise”.
“Okay Brian. Ben says to say hello”. “How you two doing? Taken in any more waifs and strays lately?”
Michael and his partner Ben, had become approved foster carers, opening up their home to homeless gay kids,
helping them get themselves sorted out and hopefully, off the streets, back into school and eventually into
independent living. They’d started by fostering a young hustler, Hunter who, like Ben, was HIV+.
“Well, with Hunter now away at college, the place does seem kinda empty, but it won’t stay that way for long.
Looks like we’ll have another kid by the end of the week”, answered Michael.
“Anyhow Brian, enjoy your birthday. I’ll speak to you soon. Bye”.
Brian put down the phone and for the rest of the day, buried himself in his work. Around 9.00pm. He decided to go
home. Alone.
He poured himself a large Beam. 10 years. Christ, where had it gone? It wasn’t just his 40th birthday on his mind.
Another anniversary was due soon.
In the middle of the night, Brian awoke with a start. He was sweating heavily, the nightmare so real, he thought he
was re-living it all over again.
Images of Justin lying on the cold cement; the ride to the hospital in the ambulance, clutching the blood-soaked
scarf; sitting in the corridor for hours, not knowing if he would live or die, kept him awake for the rest of the night
and when he decided he obviously wasn’t going to get any more sleep, he got up, showered and dressed and headed
for the office.
It was only 6.00am. when he entered the building, but he had a lot to do today and had to get a move on. Besides, he
welcomed work as a way of forgetting what time of year it was.
The sign on the wall, Kinnetik New York, always made him catch his breath, even now, after all this time and, not
for the first time, he wondered whether calling his business by this name had been a mistake after all.
One drunken evening at Woody’s, when Brian had first mentioned that he’d like to go out on his own one day,
they’d been fooling around with names and had come up with this one, or rather, Justin had.
Justin. He still thought about him, especially at this time: wondering where he might be these days. He wasn’t
fooling himself; he knew that. He always looked to see if he could find Ethan Gold mentioned somewhere in the
music journals, knowing that wherever he was, so was Justin.
The office was quiet, Maggie, his PA and his other staff, wouldn’t be in for at least 2 hours and Brian put the coffee
pot on as soon as he entered the office.
His cell phone rang. It was Mikey.
“Hi Mikey, Christ, this is early. What happened? Did Ben kick you out of bed already? Two calls in two days, Ben
will start to get jealous…….. ” Brian stood behind his desk, cell in one hand, unpacking his briefcase with the other
when Michael interrupted him.
“Brian…… I ……. I’ve got some bad news. It Lindz and Mel. There was an accident last night. I just found out.
Their car was hit by a truck …….. guy fell asleep at the wheel or something. Bri …… they didn’t make it”.
Chapter 5
Brian:
~~~~
“Brian, are you still there? Brian? ……… Christ ……… Can you hear me?”
“I hear you, Mikey,” he answered.
Brian gripped the edge of the desk to keep from falling. His heart was pounding and he could barely take in what
Michael was saying. Lindsay and Mel – dead?
He dropped into his chair, his mouth had gone suddenly dry and he could hardly get out the words. “Gus ……. What
about Gus?”
“Gus is fine. The sitter was with him, which I why Lindz and Mel were out so late”.
He sighed with relief. His son was safe, but had lost both his Mom’s and he, Brian, had lost one of the most
important people in life.
Aside from Michael, Lindsay was his closest friend and he’d cared about her a great deal; loved her even. They’d
gone through college together and, for a short while, had even been lovers, before they both accepted they were gay.
Much to Melanie’s dismay, when she and Lindsay decided they wanted a child and that Lindz would be the birth
Mother, Lindz had insisted that Brian be the Father: A role he thought he could totally ignore other than provide the
sperm required.
Fatherhood had been a role totally unfamiliar to Brian. His own Father had been a bully who regularly beat his son
until he was of an age whereby he could stand up for himself. But, once his own child was born, Brian realised that
although he could never be anywhere near a full-time Dad, he loved his son; would always care about him.
He was just managing to hold it together. “I’ll be on the first flight back I can get. I’ll call you when I know when
that is” and he put down the phone.
Brian took a deep breath. He had to get back to the Pitts as fast as he could and called the airport. The first flight he
could get was the US Airlines 9.30am. from La Guardia, which would arrive in Pittsburgh at 11.06am. Just time
enough for him to hurry back home, throw a few things into a suitcase and get out to the airport.
He called Mikey to tell him what time he’d be arriving and his friend was there at the gate to meet him.
For a moment, neither of them knew what to say and they just hugged. Michael was the only person that Brian had
ever allowed himself to fall apart in front of. When his Dad died and when Justin had been so badly injured, Michael
was the only one of his friends who’d ever really understood how much Brian had been hurt. But now was not the
time to give in to grief.
“I don’t understand. Why didn’t anyone call me as soon as it happened?” asked Brian, as they headed for the car
rental desk.
“The sitter fell asleep and didn’t realise they hadn’t come back until first light. She called the Police and they started
to check the hospitals. I guess Gus gave my number ‘cos I’d seen them late yesterday when I dropped in some
papers to Mel about the new lease on the shop. I got a call just before six”.
Brian signed the rental agreement and they headed out to the parking lot where the car was waiting for them.
Getting in, Brian clutched the steering wheel, his knuckles white from the fierceness of his grip. Michael put a hand
on his arm.
“I don’t think I can do this, Mikey”. “I understand that, but Gus needs you. You’re his dad. You’re his family now”
and the enormity of this fact was only just beginning to sink in.
Taking a deep breath, Brian opened the front door to the house. He could hear muffled voices from the lounge room,
where he found Debbie, Emmett, Ted and Michael’s partner, Ben.
They all stood as he and Michael entered the room and Debbie made to go and give him a hug, but Brian just stood
there, unable to return the contact.
Debbie and Michael exchanged glances. They had seen Brian’s defences go up before. That impenetrable wall he
put around himself to prevent anything or anyone getting too close; causing him pain or threatening to force him to
acknowledge feelings he was unwilling to admit to.
“Honey, I’m so sorry". Debbie had obviously been crying and didn’t care who saw it.
“Where’s Gus?” “He’s in his room. We haven’t told him anything yet, but he knows something’s wrong” she
answered.
Brian knocked lightly on the bedroom door before going in. Gus was sitting on his bed, reading a book.
“DAD!” he exclaimed, rushing over to him. “I didn’t know you were coming. What’s going on? No one’s telling me
anything, but I know something’s wrong. Where’s Mom and Mama?”
Taking him by the shoulders, Brian gently walked Gus back to the bed and sat him down. He sat beside him and for
once, he didn’t know what to say.
Try as he might, Brian could no longer hold it in. “Dad?” Gus looked at him.
He could see the tears in his Father’s eyes and he began to sob. Brian took him in his arms and the young boy buried
his head in his Father’s chest.
This was their time and, holding each other tightly, they cried together.
Chapter 6
Justin:
~~~~~
"Molly, don't panic. There's still a few weeks to go. You know what Dad's like; he could still come around. Of
course I'll be there, I said I would, didn't I? Put Mom back on."
Justin made a face at Tim, who was trying to attract his attention by flicking water onto his stomach. Justin grabbed
his hand, preventing him from pulling at the waistband of his shorts. But Tim only put down the glass and started to
use his other hand in his attempt to remove Justin's clothing and laughed as he watched the blond trying to maintain
his composure whilst talking to his Mother.
Justin managed to get off the bed, still with his shorts intact and hold Tim off whilst he tried to finish his
conversation.
"Mom, I know Molly's upset, but Dad might still come around. I'll be there in any case if he doesn't, so things will
be fine".
Turning his back on his lover, he continued. "Mom, I'm okay, really, I am. Please don't worry about me. I'll speak to
you again soon. Bye".
"What was that all about?" Tim was lying on the bed, watching him. It hadn't taken long after Justin had moved in
for them to become lovers.
"That asshole Father of mine!" exclaimed Justin. He put down the phone and sat on the bed. "He's refusing to give
Molly away at her wedding. He doesn't approve of the guy she's marrying".
"Okay, but why is your Mother worrying about you?" Justin lay back on the pillows. "Cos of this", he said, waving
his right hand in the air. Tim took hold of his hand, turned it over and kissed the palm.
Justin had explained to him why it was his hand shook and cramped. "I still can't believe the asshole that did this
only got community service," said Tim, kissing up Justin's arm, reaching his shoulder.
"Mom's worried 'cos it's coming up to the time it happened. She still thinks I never got over it". "And have you?"
Tim asked, kissing Justin's neck.
Justin shrugged as Tim kissed his throat and was now working his way down his chest and over his stomach; finally
able to pull off the shorts, with Justin ruffling the brunet's hair as he did so.
Justin lay there. He was more than happy for Tim to carry on with what he was doing, enabling him to just think. '10
years ago. Christ, was it really that long?'
He looked up and watched as the man worked his way towards his goal. He'd always wondered why he'd been so
attracted to him. Could it be he reminded him of another brunet he once knew?
Brian:
~~~~~
Gus had fled to his bedroom the moment they had got back inside the door. Debbie put a hand on Brian's arm,
preventing him from following. "Give him a little time on his own to cry it out", she said gently.
The whole day had been a blur for Brian; right from when the cars had arrived to take them to the funeral home
where they'd held a small service. Melanie's cousin Rita, had attended, but Lindsay's sister had declined. The
congregation had comprised of all their friends; the family they had made for themselves.
Brian had read the eulogies, with Gus standing alongside him, holding his hand. He had thought he wouldn’t be able
to hold it together, but in the end his tone had disguised the churning stomach and the taste of bile in his mouth as he
spoke. To people who didn’t know him, he would have sounded cold and unemotional, but the few who knew him
best, understood what was really going on underneath the surface.
A little later, as they watched the coffins being buried side by side, Brian couldn’t help thinking that a little of
himself had died as well that day.
Now back at the house for the wake: the usual small talk, glasses of sherry or whiskey being poured, and the platters
of food were being passed around. The whole scene seemed unreal and Brian couldn’t help but think that Lindsay
and Melanie would walk in at any moment, wondering why all these people were occupying their living room.
“Brian, if there’s anything I can do … “ “Thank you Ted. I’ll probably ask you if you wouldn’t mind spending a
little more time in New York for me. I’m not sure when I’ll get back there”. Having known each other for many
years, Ted was now employed by Brian as his accountant, which often entailed him visiting the New York office.
“Sure thing Brian. Whatever you need”. “That goes for me too, Brian” said Emmett, “If there’s anything I can do for
you or Gus .. “ "Thanks Emmett, you've done enough already". Emmett and Debbie had catered the wake between
them, accepting no charge and only pleased to be able to contribute in some small way, and one less thing for Brian
to have to worry about.
Brian smiled. Everyone meant well, he knew that, but he wished they would all go the fuck home and leave him and
Gus alone. And he wondered why is was that whenever someone dies, the house is always full of people coming and
going, when all you really want is to be left alone.
Eventually, he got his wish and people started to leave. Debbie as usual, fussing around, clearing up, packing away
the leftover food, putting it in the freezer for later. She’d already supplied them with enough ready meals to keep
them going for a month and he had to practically physically walk her to the door to get her to leave. But she
understood, and she kissed him goodbye and made him promise to call her if he needed anything: anything at all.
Shaking hands as people left, the ‘thank you for coming; we appreciate it’ became automatic, Brian not really
registering who he was talking to, the faces just blurring one into another.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Gus, get your ass down here and get to school. NOW”.
Brian ran his fingers through his hair. ‘Christ’, he thought. No one had ever warned him it would be like this.
He’d employed three different nannies in the weeks since the funeral. None of them lasted more than a few days at a
time and Brian had to re-arrange his schedule in order to be home for when Gus came out of school.
He'd become unco-operative, wilful even. And was starting to refuse meals Brian was sure he’d always eaten in the
past, stating he now didn’t like this vegetable or that meat dish or didn’t like fish or chicken or whatever was placed
in front of him. Or maybe it was “That’s not how Mom did it”, or “Mama would have done it this way”. Whatever
Brian tried to do, he just could not compete with two dead Mom’s.
He was beginning to think staying in Pittsburgh was a bad idea, but for the time being at least, he wanted Gus to
remain somewhere familiar, with people who loved him around him, and that had meant also having his Dad with
him. But somehow, they just hadn’t quite connected, at least not yet.
Brian’s relationship with his own Father had been practically non-existent. The only connection made there was
usually with Jack’s fists. Brian knew what it was like to feel unloved as a kid and however Gus was behaving, he
was determined to see it through, for Gus to know he wasn’t going to run out on him.
Today had been particularly difficult. Gus didn’t want to go to school to begin with and had stomped about, not
getting his things together and Brian thought he was going to lose it with him at one point. Eventually, having got
his son off to school, he’d gone down to the office for a couple of hours and then taken work home to be there when
Gus returned.
When he arrived, brought home by a friend’s Mom, he’d turned on the tv straight away. Brian turned it off. “No tv
before homework, young man. You know the rules” and Gus had stormed off up to his room.
Brian let him stew. He didn’t want to be the heavy handed Dad, but he couldn’t afford to let him get away with stuff.
After a while, he realised it had been some time since he’d heard him moving around and thought he should go and
check what he was doing.
He found that Gus had pulled out several boxes from the closet in the spare bedroom and was going through them.
“What are you doing?” he asked. Gus was looking through some photograph albums, with several pictures of Brian
among the pages.
Brian sat down beside him. “My God. I’ve not seen these in years”, he said, picking up one of the volumes. Among
them were Lindz’ and Mel’s yearbooks.
“Dad, is that you?” Gus asked, pointing to one of the photographs. “Sure is, Sonny-boy. Your Mom and me were at
college together. And this one” he said, opening up another book “this was your first birthday". They sat on the floor
side-by-side, laughing at the photographs of Mel and Lindz taken as kids and throughout their relationship and Brian
teased Gus about all the baby pictures his Mom’s had taken of him.
“Who’s this?” asked Gus. “Mmm?” said Brian, flicking through the book he was holding. “This man; you’ve got
your arms around him”.
Brian looked over at the photograph Gus was pointing at. It was Justin. The photograph had been taken at the Gay
and Lesbian Centre, when Justin had displayed his artwork for the first time.
“There’s other pictures in here of the two of you. I don’t remember seeing them before. What’s his name?”
Brian took the album from Gus and slowly turned the pages, looking at the photographs. This was another life ago
and Brian couldn’t help but wonder and not for the first time, how different things might have been if only………
‘Shit, what was the point of going over this again; opening up old wounds’.
“Dad, who is he? Was he your boyfriend?” Gus had grown up well aware that unlike most of the kids at school, he
had two Mom’s who loved each other and who were his parents and, like his Dad, were gay.
"His name’s Justin. He … he was someone I used to know once," and before Gus could ask anything further, Brian
closed the book, but Gus noticed he didn't put it back in the box with the others, but kept a hold of it.
"Dad", said Gus softly. "I'm sorry I've been so shitty lately". "Hey, watch your language, young man".
"I didn't mean to be, it's just been so hard … with out them ….". "I know", said Brian, placing an arm around his
son's shoulders. "But it's you and me now Sonny-boy. We're all we've got, don't you forget that".
Chapter 7
Brian:
~~~~~
“Dad, should I wear the blue shirt or the green?” Holding out both shirts in front of him, Gus wandered into the
bathroom as Brian stepped out of the shower.
“Umm, the green one”. “What’s wrong with the blue one?” “Wear the blue one then. Gus, it really doesn’t matter,
they both look great”. “Mmm, maybe I’ll wear the navy tee after all”.
Brian sighed and rolled his eyes. ‘Christ, 10 years old and a fashion fiend already!” He wrapped a towel around his
waist and started to lather-up for shaving. Having finished, he splashed water on his face and started to fix his hair.
‘Fuck, when did that happen?’ Brian lent forward, closer to the mirror, studying himself.
No doubt about it: grey hair was starting to show at the temples. He stood back and looked at himself in the fulllength mirror on the wall, turning first one way and then the other. ‘Not half bad for a 40-year old: even if I do say
so myself’.
He was the same weight now as he’d been 20 years ago and had always prided himself on his appearance. Even so,
he’d never imagined himself as 40. Hell, reaching 30 had been bad enough!
Father and son having dressed were both now ready to leave. Debbie had asked them to dinner and Gus had picked
out the flowers they were going to take with them.
Dinner was a comfortable affair among friends: Debbie, Mikey and Ben, Ted and Emmett. Neither Ted, nor Emmett
were in relationships right now, but had been friends for so long, they’d lost count of the years. They’d even tried
being a couple once, but it hadn’t worked out. Luckily, they’d managed to salvage their friendship.
When the meal was finished and everyone moved away from the table, Brian sat on the sofa, not deliberately, but
nevertheless, a little apart from the others, who were chatting away to each other, Debbie having declined all offers
of help to clear away the dishes.
Gus looked around the room and, not for the first time, did it seem to him that his Dad was always on his own. At
the PTA meetings, coming to watch him at soccer practice, or in a school play. Whilst his friends always seemed to
have both parents, or at least a parent and a partner with them, Brian always came alone.
Gus picked up a dish from the table and took it to Debbie in the kitchen. “Thanks honey”. “Debbie”. “Mmm”.
“You’ve known Dad a long time haven’t you?” “Sure have,” she chuckled. “He and Mikey were at school together.
Had me tearing my hair out at times, I can tell you”. “Then, can I ask you something?” “Sure sweetie. Fire away”.
“Who’s Justin?”
Debbie stopped what she was doing and glanced over her shoulder to where Brian was sitting, flicking through a
magazine, not hearing the question his son now asked.
“Where did you hear that name, honey?” she asked quietly.
“I found some photo albums of Mom’s and Mama’s with pictures of Dad with him, but when I asked who he was,
he didn’t really want to say anything”.
“Debbie, was Justin his boyfriend? Only he’s never talked about him. He never talks about anyone”.
“You really should be talking to your Dad about this, you know,” said Debbie.
“I don’t think he’ll tell me, only sometimes when I look at him, he looks pretty sad.”
“Now, don’t you go worrying yourself about your Dad”, said Debbie, trying to reassure him. “He’s just fine,” and
she looked back over at Brian, seeing for herself just what it was that Gus was so concerned about.
A few days later, just after 6.00pm., Brian got a call from Cynthia. She’d been spending more time in New York and
was dealing with a particularly difficult new account.
“Brian, Benson’s want you. They’re not interested in seeing anyone else. I think we may lose this one”.
“Shit. Are you sure they won’t deal with you? I really don’t think I can leave Gus just yet”. “They’re pretty
adamant, Brian; it’s you or no one”.
“Dad, go. I’ll be fine”. Gus was standing in the doorway and had heard his Father’s conversation. “Hang on a
minute Cyn,” said Brian, turning towards his son.
“I can always stay at Deb’s. You know she’d love to have me”. Brian hesitated. “Are you sure you wouldn’t mind?
It’ll only be for a few days”.
“No, go. It’ll be okay”.
“Okay, Cyn, set it up. Tell them I’ll be there. I’ll get a flight in the morning. While I’m there, can we go over some
things? I know it’s the weekend, but it would be really useful, then I can come back here late on Monday”. “That’s
fine by me, Brian. I’ll set Benson’s up for Friday. Bye”.
Justin:
~~~~~
Justin arrived late Friday afternoon and went straight to his Mom’s house. They were having a marquee on the back
lawn and preparations were well underway; as well as the usual last minute panic that normally accompanies a
wedding.
Craig Taylor was still refusing to attend the ceremony, leaving Justin to step in and give Molly away. In the end, it
had been touch and go that he would even be there. A colleague had taken sick, leaving the department shorthanded,
with Justin now having to return to L.A. on Monday; earlier than he’d originally planned.
Early the following morning, Justin wandered into the kitchen to find the catering well underway and couldn’t
believe his eyes when he saw who his Mother had engaged to provide the food and drink for the wedding breakfast.
“Emmett?” The man looked up from the canapés he was preparing. “Well, good morning. Isn’t it a beautiful day:
just perfect for a wedding”.
“I didn’t know you were into catering now,” said Justin, going over to him and they hugged.
“Been doing it for a few years now. Step up from haute couture to disco trash, wouldn’t you say”, said Emmett,
returning to his task.
“I wonder why Mom didn’t tell me it was you”.
“Well, actually, I believe it was a last minute thing. The original caterers double booked themselves or something.
Your Mom only called me a couple of days ago and, well, here we are. When I knew who it was, I was only too
pleased to step in,” he said, handing the tray to a waitress who covered it with wrap and placed it in the refrigerator.
“Mind you, just as well the cake was already done, otherwise we would’ve been in trouble!” Emmett’s party
planning business was doing well. He’d come a long way since working in a menswear store on Liberty Avenue.
Leaving his staff to continue on their own, Emmett, with Justin accompanying him, went to see how things were
progressing in the marquee, re-arranging the flowers and decorations to his liking.
“How long are you in town for?” he asked, moving a table setting a fraction to ensure it was in exactly the correct
place. “Only ‘til Monday. One of the guys is sick and we’ve got a rush job on, so I have to go back early”.
“That’s a shame”. “Yeah, I was planning to maybe catch up with a few people. I was hoping to drop in on Debbie
and go over to see Mel and Lindz. Jeez, Gus must be what, 10 years old now”.
Emmett put down the flowers he was arranging and turned to face him. “Honey, haven’t you heard?” “Heard what?”
asked Justin. “Sweetie, Mel and Lindz were killed in a car accident a little while ago”.
Justin couldn’t take it in. How could something like that happen? The two of them had been there for him often
during his time with Brian, when Brian had tried to ignore him, turn him away, refusing to let him become part of
his life. More than once had he spent the night on their sofa.
Lindsay had been an art teacher and had encouraged him to display his talent and they had given him his first set of
art equipment.
“Is Gus okay?” Justin asked. “He wasn’t with them,” answered Emmett. “There’s something else. Brian came back
to take care of him?”
Justin was sent reeling. “Brian’s back in Pittsburgh?” and he felt a shiver travel up his spine at the mere thought of
the man.
“Have you seen him? Where’s he staying? Is he okay?” he asked, the words rushing out.
“I saw him last weekend as a matter of fact. We all had dinner at Debbie’s. Otherwise, I haven’t seen him much at
all. He and Gus seem to keep pretty much to themselves. They’re living in Mel and Lindz house”.
Emmett excused himself, saying he had other things he needed to check on and he left Justin standing on his own,
but he couldn’t help but notice Justin’s reaction at the mention of Brian’s name.
He hadn’t meant to sound so eager, asking after him, but the words had come out before he had a chance to stop
them.
Damn the man. He could still stir up his feelings, even after all this time.
The wedding was lovely, even though Justin couldn’t fully concentrate on the ceremony. Afterwards, he took some
of the flowers and went to the cemetery.
It didn’t take long to locate the graves and he placed on them the flowers from his sister’s wedding.
He stood there for a few minutes deep in thought. And then, as he was walking away, a young boy ran by him,
carrying a posy of flowers. Justin took a few more steps and then turned around. There was something about the boy
that seemed familiar.
From a distance, Justin watched as he knelt by the graves and realised who it was he reminded him of. Though in
actual fact, it was two people. He was a combination of both Brian and Lindsay: Tall and slim for his age, a little
nearer to his Mother’s colouring, but with his Father’s eyes and strong jaw.
He saw the boy place the posy on the ground and look at the fresh flowers. He looked around to see who it was who
might have placed them there. And, for a few moments, they looked directly at each other. Then Justin turned and
walked away and Gus watched him go.
All through Sunday, Justin deliberated whether he should try and make contact with Brian, if only to express his
sorrow.
Monday morning, with only a little time to spare, Justin packed his weekend bag and said his goodbyes. He then
went to the Mel and Lindz’s house and, getting no answer, made the decision to visit Brian’s office on the way to
the airport.
He looked the address up in the phonebook. Seeing the name in small print was one thing; seeing it engraved on the
glass door was something else.
He ran his hand over the letters. Kinnetik: a name he had come up with, and a name Brian had seemingly been
happy to use when going out on his own.
He took a deep breath; still trying to make up his mind what he was going to say, he asked the receptionist if he
could speak to Mr. Kinney, only to be told that Mr. Kinney was at the New York office and wouldn’t be available
until Tuesday at the earliest.
“Would you like to leave a message?” she asked.
“No thank you. No message” and Justin turned and left.
Justin was dismayed. It just wasn’t meant to be.
He headed for the airport and arrived just in time to catch his flight back to L.A.
Chapter 8
Justin:
~~~~~
Back home in Venice, Justin could not get Brian out of his head after learning the news about Mel and Lindz and
discovering that Brian had returned to Pittsburgh and his preoccupation had not gone unnoticed by Tim.
“Where the fuck has your head been lately?” he kept asking him.
And then one morning before work, “What happened when you went home? You met someone didn’t you? Did you
fuck him?” Tim had yelled over the breakfast table.
“For Chrissakes, Tim. I did not meet anybody, Okay? But if I did, it’s none of your goddamn business who I go with
and who I fuck. It’s not like we’re married or anything!” and Tim had picked up his jacket and slammed the door on
his way out.
Tim was becoming too possessive. Since returning from Pittsburgh, it seemed Justin couldn’t even speak to another
guy without being given the third degree.
It had got to the stage where Justin preferred to stay at work, rather than go home. When they did connect, the sex
was still great; he had to admit that. Tim certainly knew the right buttons to push, but more often, Justin was left
with a feeling of dissatisfaction, his mind elsewhere during their lovemaking and he wasn’t sure how long he could
continue being with him.
But he had to admit; he’d not been particularly easy to live with these passed weeks. He often didn’t hear what Tim
was saying, forcing him to repeat himself and when asked what they were going to do when they did have time to
spend together, he would just shrug, saying “whatever you want”, without any real conviction.
He had genuinely been upset at the news of Mel and Lindsay’s deaths. They had been good friends when he’d
needed them and his heart went to out to Gus, losing both his Moms.
Then there was Brian. He knew how close he and Lindsay had been. She would often get through to him when no
one else could. And would usually come to his defence when others were criticising him, preferring to see a side of
him that was hardly ever obvious. A caring, loving side, he managed to keep well hidden most of the time.
And Justin couldn’t deny his own feelings reawakened and wondered how differently things might have turned out
if only he’d stood his ground, refusing to allow Brian to disown his emotions: allowing Brian to discover the
feelings he refused to acknowledge, even though Justin was convinced of their existence.
Justin decided he couldn’t just let this go without making some sort of contact. He didn’t think that trying to
telephone Brian was a good idea so instead, decided to write to him.
~O~
Brian,
I guess this must come as a bit of a shock, out of the blue after so long, but I only just found out about Lindsay and
Melanie and wanted you to know how sorry I was to hear the news.
Lindz and Mel were good to me at a time when I needed friends and I shall treasure those memories always.
My heart goes out to you and Gus, but I know that the two of you, together, will get through this.
Despite yourself, I always knew how much you loved your son and I know you’ll be a good Father. Gus is lucky to
have you.
Take good care of yourselves.
Justin
~O~
He mailed the letter the following day.
Brian:
~~~~~
Brian nailed the Benson account, sorted out some queries with Cynthia and was feeling pretty pleased with himself
when he got back from New York; a feeling he’d not experienced for a little while. He’d been out of the loop too
long; had been happy to let other people step up and take over some of the more demanding roles, leaving him with
most of the day-to-day running of his business.
Dropping into the Pittsburgh office for a few hours before he had to be home in time for Gus, he picked up his
messages on the way to his office.
“Morning Sarah”. “Morning Brian. Here are your messages. Did you have a good trip? “Thank you. Yep, Benson’s
are ours, so I think there might even be a little bonus for everybody come Christmas”. “Well, that’s good news. Oh,
by the way, you had a visitor while you were in New York”.
“Mmm, who was it?” “Sorry, he didn’t leave his name, but I got the impression that he was pretty disappointed you
weren’t here.”
Brian stopped reading through the pieces of paper he’d been handed and looked at the receptionist.
“What did he look like?” “Well … he was … I’d say, late 20’s, blond, kind of cute,” she said, smiling.
“Well, that narrows the field”. “Sorry, Brian”. “No worries. I guess he’ll come back if he wanted to see me that
much” and he climbed the stairs to his office.
‘Late 20’s, blond and cute. No, it can’t be. Justin’s still in Europe with Ethan, isn’t he? Besides, it’s been too many
years. He probably doesn’t even think about me anymore, if he ever did’. But Brian couldn’t get the thought of his
mystery caller out of his mind.
At the end of the week, Brian picked up Gus from school and headed to the market. They were pretty much out of
everything and need to restock. A familiar face was sorting through the fruit, looking for the freshest specimens.
“Hi Uncle Emmett”. “Well, hello Gus, Brian”. “Hello, Emmett. Another party this weekend?” asked Brian, pointing
to the shopping cart already heavily laden with goods.
“40thwedding anniversary. God, can you imagine that? Being with the same person for 40 years?”
“No, I guess not”, replied Brian.
“Dad, can I have some candy please”.
“Okay”. “Thanks Dad. “Just a couple mind,” called Brian after him, and Gus shot off, heading for the candy section.
“You’ll never guess who I ran into”, said Emmett, coyly, turning over the pineapples to find the best ones. “Who?”
asked Brian.
“Justin. I ended up catering his sister’s wedding and he flew in from L.A. for it”.
“L.A.?” asked Brian. “I thought he and …… he was living in Europe, Paris”. “No, he’s been back ages. Didn’t you
know? He and Ethan broke up and Justin moved to California. He was really sorry to hear about Mel and Lindz. He
had been hoping to stick around for a few days but he had to get back: Something to do with work”. And he picked
up the six best pineapples and put them in the cart.
“Well, these will have to do. Best get on, you know what it’s like” and he smiled and said goodbye. Walking away
he wondered to himself why it was always him that seemed to pass on news of such monumental importance.
Brian was rooted to the spot and didn’t even hear Gus speak to him when he returned with his candy bars. Justin was
back in the country and no longer with Ethan. Maybe he had been his mystery visitor after all.
It was a few weeks later that the letter arrived.
It was addressed to him at the house. He’d picked it up with the rest of the mail on his way in from the office and
dumped it on the kitchen table and then forgot all about it as he saw to dinner.
Brian had at last managed to find some help that Gus liked. Mrs. Doherty now came in every weekday and cleaned
and did the laundry. She also prepared the evening meal and would put it in the oven on timer so that it would finish
as Brian came in from work. On the days he couldn’t be in on time, she’d care for Gus until he returned or Gus
would occasionally go Debbie’s and Brian would pick him up on his way home.
They’d started to see a little more of Debbie just lately.
Brian had begun to feel guilty about not letting Gus spend so much time with some of his old friends. After all,
Debbie was practically his Grandmother, all the time he’d spent at the Novotny’s as a kid, and she’d offered Brian a
safe haven when things had got too bad at home.
It suddenly occurred to him that maybe the grief was easing a little. Before, he found it hard to mix with the old
gang. There were too many reminders of the old days; time spent in the company of Lindz and Mel. And Justin.
He checked the oven. The casserole was just about ready and he sat down to look at the mail as Gus came in.
“Hi Dad. Guess what?” said his son, excitedly. “Hi Sonny-Boy. What’s up?” “I got picked for the school soccer
team again today. We’ve got a game on Saturday. You will come, won’t you?”
“Dad?” “Mmm. Sorry Gus, that’s great news. Sure I’ll be there,” but Brian was really concentrating on the letter he
was holding. It had a California postmark and it was in a familiar hand. He put it down and went through the rest of
the mail; a couple of bills and statements, but mostly advertising circulars.
Most of the mail got trashed. The rest Brian took upstairs to the smallest bedroom, which he’d made into an office.
The letter would have to wait until Gus had gone to bed. Brian couldn’t think about it right now.
Brian was grateful for Gus’ chatter throughout the meal; talking about school and he was obviously very proud at
having been picked for the school soccer team. It meant he didn’t have to join in the conversation other than to nod
or smile in the right places. His mind was elsewhere.
Gus did his homework and watched a little TV. Approaching bedtime, he’d cleaned up and was now heading for his
room, where he was allowed to read for a short while before settling down to sleep. “Night Dad”. “Night Sonny-boy.
Lights out in 15 minutes.” “Okay, Dad.” And now Brian decided he couldn’t put off reading the letter any longer.
He sat down at the desk in little office, turned on the lamp and picked up the envelope. Part of him wanted to read it
and the other part didn’t want to risk opening up old wounds.
Seeing Justin walk out of Babylon with Ethan on the night of the Rage party had hurt him more than he would ever
admit to anyone. But he hadn’t been able to give Justin what he wanted, at least not back then.
He turned the envelope over and opened it with the paperknife. There was a single sheet inside.
If he read the letter once, he read it a dozen times. He well remembered how Lindz and Mel had opened up their
house, this very house, to Justin when he, Brian, had rejected him.
Brian thought back to that time, 10 years ago, when he’d first met him; a scared, cute kid on his first excursion onto
Liberty Avenue, the same night that Gus was born.
He’d picked him up expecting him to be like any other trick. But this was a one-night stand that wouldn’t go away.
Justin kept coming back, seeing through all the bullshit; the façade that Brian chose to wear to keep hurt at bay.
He’d crept under the wire and had worn down his defences. But years of abuse by his Father had left Brian
emotionally crippled. Being made to feel worthless as a child, Brian had always had this nagging feeling that he was
unworthy of being loved and, therefore, unable to love in return.
Justin had proved him wrong and though he would never admit it, it scared him. But the constant fear of rejection
meant that Brian kept him at arm’s length. If he never let him in, he wouldn’t have to let him go.
But when it happened: when Ethan came along and was able to give Justin everything that Brian couldn’t; the
romantic trysts, picnics, sentimental gestures and the words that he’d been so longing to hear: despite everything he
told himself, the pain of watching him go was almost unbearable.
And now, reading his letter, he could almost hear him say the words, and the sadness in Brian’s heart for a love he’d
thrown away made him realise just exactly how much he’d lost.
For what did he have now? He had a prospering business, which he hoped would give him the security he never had
as a child, growing up in an abusive household, where money normally went on booze and bowling. A business that
had taken up each moment of every day to get off the ground, leaving little or no time for any kind of relationship:
fleeting or otherwise.
He had a son he was only now getting to know. He’d relinquished his parental rights and had become a spectator in
his son’s life. Partly to encourage Lindsay and Melanie to solve their differences and re-affirm their love for one
another, but also because he feared he may have inherited some of Jack’s traits and he didn’t want to foul-up like his
own Father had done.
But whereas Jack often told his young son that he should never have been born, and that he’d actually wanted him
aborted, Brian loved his son and though he had declined to take more of an active interest in his upbringing, he’d
always been there with the practical help, never denying Lindsay the funds necessary to bring up his child.
But what of his own needs? He could hardly believe it. He couldn’t actually remember when he last got laid.
Release more often being found under the hot water in the shower or in bed: alone. Where had the Stud of Liberty
Avenue disappeared to?
He’d gained a son, but in many ways, he was now more alone and, more significantly, more lonely than he had ever
been before.
Chapter 9
Brian:
~~~~~
“Gus, I really don’t understand this. You were getting such good grades.” Brian was sitting at the dining table,
opposite his son, reading the report card he’d reluctantly handed over.
“If this turns out to be because you’re spending too much time at soccer, you’ll have to start cutting that down”.
“But Dad….” “No buts. I won’t have you disrupting your education by wasting your time at soccer. You need
decent qualifications to get anywhere these days, believe me”.
“If you don’t buck up, that’s it. No more soccer”.
Gus blinked back the tears. Why didn’t his Dad realise how important being on the soccer team was to him? He so
wanted his Father to be proud of him and he was really good at it, securing a regular place and becoming a
prominent goal scorer.
“Now, go and get ready, we’re due at Debbie’s for Thanksgiving dinner”.
“I don’t wanna go”.
“What do you mean, you don’t want to go? You always went with Mom and Mama and so did Mikey and me –
everybody goes. As long as I can remember, Thanksgiving dinners were always at Debbie’s. Now go and get ready
or we’ll be late” and his son slid off the chair and reluctantly headed upstairs to change.
Brian looked at the card again. Gus had dropped behind since the last report and he couldn’t understand why. It was
reasonable that his grades had dipped a little immediately after his Mom’s deaths, but he’d got back on track and had
begun to do well. And now, all of a sudden, he’d started to lag behind.
He’d also noticed other things lately. Gus was quieter than usual, prompting Brian to ask him if there were problems
at school, or was he getting bullied, to which his son had emphatically answered no.
He was also spending more time in his room and, apart from soccer, seemed to have no other interests outside of the
classroom and often refused invitations to go to friends.
Brian started to wonder whether remaining in the house where he’d lived with his Moms was the right decision for
Gus. Brian dearly would love to change just about everything, from the décor to the furnishings if they were to
remain there, but he’d initially thought Gus needed to have familiar surroundings. Now, he wondered instead, if the
constant reminders of how his life had been before, was proving too hard for the child and that a fresh start would
now be for the best.
15 minutes later, they were in the car and heading for Debbie’s. “Do we have to go?” asked Gus, a couple of miles
down the road.
Brian pulled the car over and cut the engine. “Gus, what’s wrong?” but his son sat silently next to him, not wanting
to answer.
“Has something happened?” asked Brian. “Have I done something? Are you upset or angry with me?” but Gus only
shook his head.
He put his arm around Gus’ shoulders and eventually the boy spoke, “It’s just …. This is the first Thanksgiving
since ……… We always used to go to Debbie’s together. It won’t be the same without them”.
Brian took a deep breath and stroked the back of his son’s head. “I know it’s going to be hard. The first holidays or
birthdays after losing someone we love are always the worst, but things will get easier” and Brian was already
thinking ahead. Christmas wasn’t far off now and bound to be a difficult time for Gus and wondered if something to
look forward to would lift his spirits.
“I’ve had an idea. If you want, we could do something different at Christmas. How would you like to spend the
holidays in New York?”
Gus looked at him excitedly. “Wow. Could we Dad? We could go skating at the Rockerfeller Centre and … and
Christmas Eve, can we go to the Empire State Building and see the light show? I’ve always wanted to go.”
Brian chuckled. “You’ve gotta date: Christmas Eve at the Empire State Building it is then”.
The Thanksgiving turkey was huge. Some things would never change and Debbie’s meals were legendary.
Everyone was on top form, enjoying the holiday spirit. Debbie embarrassed Michael in front of Ben, as usual, and
gave him one of her “Mom slaps”, when he cheeked her back and Emmett told one of his southern gothic horror
stories, the type you only realise are fantasy once he’d delivered the punch line.
Everyone having stuffed themselves to capacity, Brian was now helping Debbie clear the table, something that
prompted a chuckle from their hostess.
“What’s up?” “Brian Kinney, I can’t believe how domesticated you’ve become”, and she held her breath as she
watched him balance the platters with the uneaten turkey and vegetables, plus several plates on his arm, between the
table and the kitchen.
“It’s amazing what you learn to do when you’ve got a kid to look after”, he replied, just making it in time before one
of the plates slid off the pile and onto the counter top. “And a brilliant job you’re doing, honey”, she said, patting his
cheek. She put the dirty dishes in the sink and ran the hot water.
“I admit, I never thought you had it in you, but I guess Lindsay really did know what she was doing when she
wanted you to father her kid. We all thought she was nuts at the time, but it seems she knew you best of all”.
“You must miss her.” Her tone was now gentle and wistful. “I do. I didn’t think I would this much, but yeah”.
“Debbie”, said Brian quietly, leaning against the counter top. “Why didn’t anyone tell me that Justin had split from
Ethan? Why didn’t he contact me?”
“Well, he came back after you’d gone to New York. You’d made your decision to leave Pittsburgh so I guess that
told him everything he’d needed to know; that you were making a new life for yourself and so should he. Then when
you came back, what with the funeral and everything, it didn’t seem like the right time ever came along”.
“Why do you ask now?” “Oh .. I heard he came back for a visit a little while ago, that’s all”.
“Debbie” said Gus, bringing over some dirty glasses from the side table. “Did I tell you that I scored the winning
goal at our soccer game last Saturday?”
Debbie laughed, “You sure did, sweetie. A chip off the old block; like Father like son it seems”.
“Huh?” asked the boy, looking from Debbie to his Dad. “Didn’t he ever tell you?” she asked. “Your Dad here was a
pretty good player himself. Got into Carnegie-Mellon on a soccer scholarship”.
“Could have been a pro”, joined in Michael, bringing over the last of the dirty dishes from the table.
“No way” exclaimed Gus, now seeing his Dad in a totally new light. Brian smiled. Soccer had been his ticket out of
relative poverty, earning him a place in college he would never have been able to take up without it.
“Did Dad tell you we’re going to New York for the Christmas holidays?” said the child, beaming. “New York huh?”
said Michael, walking back to the living room. “That sounds pretty exciting”.
“Who’s going to New York?” asked Ben from the sofa and Gus went over to join him, Ted, Michael and Emmett,
telling them all the things he’d planned to do whilst there.
“Well, you certainly put a sparkle in him” said Debbie to Brian, drying her hands and reaching for something from
the window ledge.
“Talking of sparkle…”, said Brian, taking hold of Debbie’s hand. “What’s this?” indicating the ring that she’d
placed on her finger. “Jeez, I wonder how that got there!” she said, her other hand over her heart in mock surprise.
“Who’s the lucky guy?” “Marty, the new owner of the diner. He said I spend so much time there it’s like I was
married to the place in any case, so why didn’t we make it legal. I really think we’ve got something. He’s a good
man, Brian. And we all know how hard they are to find”.
“Well, we could all do with one of those” he quipped back and Debbie punched him lightly on the arm. “Then when
you gonna get one of your own?” she asked.
Brian looked at the floor. This wasn’t somewhere he was willing to go.
“Seriously, Brian, I’m worried about you … and so is Gus”.
“What’s he been saying?” he asked, glancing over at his son and then back at Debbie.
“When he was here once before, he said you were always on your own and he thought you were lonely. Are you?”
Brian shrugged.
“Come on, where’s your sparkle? Where’s the old Brian Kinney gone? The no apologies, no regrets guy that used to
screw practically anything that moved. He’s gotta still be in there somewhere”.
“Just outta practice Debbie. What with work and looking after Gus……”
“That just sounds like excuses to me, Brian. You know, there was a time when I thought you and Michael ……
Well, never mind. He’s got Ben and they seem really happy”.
“I wanna see you happy too. You’ve spent too long running away from love ……..”
“Like you said, Debbie, good men aren’t that easy to find”, he cut in, “and I know you’re referring to Justin.”
“Maybe”, she answered, “but he’s not the only guy. Hell, Brian, you could’ve had your pick. And you still could,
honey. You still scrub up pretty good, you know”, and she stretched up and gave him a peck on the cheek.
“Leave the rest of the dishes ‘til later”, she said, turning back to the group in the living room. “Now, who wants
some potato chips?” and before anyone could say they were still groaning from dinner, Debbie was passing round
the bowls, leaving Brian standing in the kitchen, thinking about what she’d said.
“Running away from love”. That just about summed him up.
Chapter 10
Justin:
~~~~
“Justin, have you got the story boards and production layouts for those underwater scenes yet?” queried Phil Mason,
Head of Calitronix, as he came rushing into the workroom, eager to check on the progress of the latest animated film
they’d been commissioned to produce.
“Finished them yesterday. When you want to see them, give me a holler”.
“Have you thought about what background we’re gonna use for the underwater cave scene?” he asked, looking over
Justin’s shoulder.
“Yeah, I’m working on that now. I’ll have something to show you later today”.
“What about the colour keying?”
“I’ve got Scott working on that. It’s all in hand boss”, said Justin, looking up and smiling. “Stop worrying, I said it
would all come together and it will”.
Phil perched on a stool next to the surface Justin was working on. Now in his late forties, the small company he’d
set up was a dream come true. It had been damned hard work, but it was now beginning to pay off and they were
starting to earn a name for themselves.
“I don’t know what we’d do without you now, Justin. With Sam not returning yet after his illness, I know a lot of the
stuff he usually does has fallen on you and I appreciate all the extra hours you’ve been putting in. I won’t forget it”.
“I’m enjoying it. I learned a lot from Sam. I only hope I can live up to expectations”.
“From what I’ve seen, you’ve no worries there”, said Phil, getting up and patting Justin on the back.
“Now, if you need anything, let me know. I’ll get back to you later. At least this is one department I don’t have to
worry about!” and he rushed out as quickly as he had rushed in.
It was almost midnight by the time Justin left for his home in Venice. As quietly as he could, he let himself in and
undressed in the hallway, trying not to disturb Tim, but as he crept under the covers, the lamp on the nightstand
came on.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“This is starting to be a regular thing, isn’t it? …. all these late nights. Did you forget we were supposed to go over
to Dan and Peter’s tonight? I tried to call you, but your cell was switched off”.
“Oh shit, I did forget. I didn’t realise my cell was switched off, sorry,” and Justin turned on his side, away from Tim,
pulling the covers up over his shoulders.
Tim lent over and pulled the covers down, kissing Justin on the neck. His hand then slid around the blond’s waist
and started to travel downwards. Justin took hold of his wrist before he had a chance to touch his cock.
“Tim, it’s really late and I have to be back in work early. There’s a lot to do to meet the deadline”.
“Come on baby, you don’t mean that,” Tim whispered, now grasping Justin’s shoulder and trying to turn him face
down into the pillows.
“I said no,” and Justin pushed him roughly away and got out of bed.
“Now where the fuck are you going?” “I’m going to sleep on the sofa,” and he went to the closet, put on some
joggers, pulled out a pillow and blanket and headed out into the living room.
He hated it when Tim was like this. He couldn’t understand how important his work was to him and being given this
extra responsibility was a chance for Justin to show what he could achieve. He wasn’t going to screw it up by being
too tired to concentrate on what he was doing.
He heard Tim swearing under his breath as he threw the pillow and blanket on the sofa and sat down. He put his
head in his hands and sniffed back the tears. He and Tim seemed to be growing apart these days.
For a while, Justin had thought this was it; that he’d met someone who would love him and respect what he did. But
Tim made light of Justin’s career.
“Making kids’ movies” was how he put it, as if Justin’s work had no serious content.
The following morning, Tim was coming out of the bathroom wrapping a towel around himself as Justin was about
to leave.
“Are you going to be late again tonight?” he asked.
Justin picked up his jacket, “I don’t know. Probably”.
“How long is this going on for? We don’t seem to spend any time together these days and when we do you’re
zonked out. You were practically asleep at the table at my sister’s Thanksgiving dinner.”
Justin turned back to look at him. “Tim, you know we’re shorthanded at work. This is my chance to show what I can
do. If Sam doesn’t come back, they’ll need to replace him, and I could be in with a good chance to get the job. To be
head of a department, even a small one, at my age is unheard of. From here I could end up with one of the big
companies, really make a name for myself”.
“What, and be the next Walt Disney?” said Tim, mockingly, standing with his hands on his hips, glaring at him.
“It’s just one big joke to you isn’t it, what I do. Well, fuck you!” and Justin stormed out the door.
Chapter 11
Brian:
~~~~
It was nearly Christmas and Brian had written to the school and got permission for Gus to finish a few days early in
order for them to go away for the holidays.
“Dad”, said Gus, finishing his homework, “Can I go and use the computer to look up the stuff we can do when we
get to New York? I want us to see as much as we can when we’re there”.
“Okay Sonny-boy, but don’t go touching any of my work files”, said Brian, putting away the dinner dishes. “Okay
Dad”, answered his son, running up the stairs to the small office.
Gus was looking forward to spending some time away with his Dad. They’d never had a vacation together before
and he was determined they wouldn’t waste a minute of it.
Looking up all the attractions available to them over the holidays, Gus started to search the desk for some more
paper for the printer so he could show his Dad. That’s when he found the letter.
He knew he shouldn’t have read it, addressed to his Dad as it was. But seeing the California postmark, he was
curious to know who it was from.
The name at the bottom of the letter said Justin. And, after reading it, he realised this must be the same Justin whose
photographs were in his Mom’s albums: pictures taken with Brian.
This sounded like someone who may have cared for his Dad and by the way he’d spoken when Gus had asked him
about the photographs and kept hold of the album, Gus was sure Brian had felt the same way. But he never spoke of
him and he couldn’t help but wonder why.
The letter had a return address on the back. Justin sounded like a nice guy and had been friends with his Mom’s, so
why shouldn’t he write back? It was only the polite thing to do, wasn’t it?
~O~
Dear Justin,
Thanks for the letter. It’s been really hard without my Mom’s, but it’s been great having Dad around. I didn’t get to
see him much when he was in New York, but now he’s back home he does most of the stuff my Mom’s used to do.
He comes to soccer practice with me and came to watch me in the school play and helps me with my homework.
We’re going to New York for the holidays. We’re going shopping at the big stores so we can see all the lights and
Dad’s promised to take me to see the tree and go skating at the Rockerfeller Centre. And on Christmas Eve, we’re
going to the Empire State Building so we get to see the light show from there.
I’m really looking forward to it, but I wish Mom and Mama were coming with us. I think Dad misses Mom too.
That’s Lindsay, my birth Mom. I think they were special friends.
I think maybe you were a special friend too, but he hasn’t said anything. I think Dad gets lonely sometimes and I
wish he had someone he could be with.
It’s my last day of school tomorrow. Dad’s taking me out early and we’re flying to New York. I’ve never been in an
airplane before and I can’t wait. It’s going to be great.
I hope you have a great Christmas too.
Gus
~O~
Gus found an envelope and wrote Justin’s address on it. There were some stamps in the drawer. He stuffed it in his
pocket: he would mail it on the way to school tomorrow.
“Gus, it’s getting late”, called Brian, climbing the stairs. “Time to wash up and get ready for bed now”.
Gus quickly put Justin’s letter in the envelope and replaced it back where he found it.
“Okay Dad. Wait till you see what I found. There’s so much neat stuff we can do”, and he went out into the hallway
with the pages he’d printed off to show his Father.
“Show me tomorrow. It’s too late now. Come on, get ready for bed”.
“Night Dad”. “Night Gus”.
Brian went into the small office and tidied up after his son. ‘Why do kids never put anything away’, he wondered,
smiling to himself.
Tidying up the desk drawer, he picked up the letter. He’d meant to put it away somewhere safe, but had got
distracted. He took it into his bedroom: the room that had been Lindz and Mel’s.
When Gus had been at school one day, he and Debbie had cleared out all their clothes and bagged them up for the
charity shops. He knew that’s what they would have liked, but he hadn’t wanted Gus to see everything go and then
the last time he’d gone to New York, he’d brought back more clothes and a few of his own things he wanted around
him.
Brian had packed up Lindsay and Melanie’s personal possessions and put them in the attic. When the time was right,
Gus and he would go through them together. There were bound to be lots of things Gus would want to keep to
remember his Mom’s by.
In accordance with the wills, parental rights had reverted back to Brian and the house had been left to Gus; Brian,
along with Ted, in his capacity as their accountant, were executors. Father and son could either remain living in the
house or it could be sold and the proceeds put in trust to pay for Gus’s education when the time arrived.
But Gus wouldn’t have to worry about that now. Brian was doing well and determined to fund his son through
college himself. He wouldn’t have to rely on a scholarship and work at several part-time jobs like he had done in
order to survive.
From the nightstand drawer, he took out the album Gus had found: the one with the pictures of him with Justin. He
looked so young. Hell, they both did, and he placed the letter between the pages.
He thought he should write back, but what the hell would he say? ‘Thank you for your letter’. ‘It was nice to hear
from you’. No, he decided it probably wouldn’t be a good idea. Too much time had passed. He couldn’t find the
words to say to him before, how could he find them now? Besides, Justin had probably only written out of
politeness.
Gus mailed the letter to Justin on his way to school the following morning. He was so excited he could hardly get
through the day, telling all his friends about the trip he and his Dad were going to take.
That evening, with their bags packed and waiting by the front door, Gus showed Brian all the stuff he’d printed off,
making a list of everything he thought they should see during their vacation and the following morning, they flew to
New York.
Justin:
~~~~~
Phil Mason put his head around the door as Justin was putting the finishing touches to the piece he was working on
before starting on the next section.
“Hi Justin. Settling in for another late night? You’ve sure been putting in the hours lately“, and he walked into the
workroom and sat down next to him.
“Yeah, but not too long to go now. It should be finished by Christmas. Have you heard from Sam yet?” Justin asked.
“Well, actually, that’s something I’ve been meaning to have a word with you about. Why don’t you finish up here
now? I’d like to buy you a drink. See you out front in 10 minutes?” and he slid off the stool and headed for the door.
“Okay, I’ll meet you outside”. Justin switched everything off and grabbed his jacket. He met Phil at the front of the
building and they headed for the nearest bar.
They both ordered beers and Phil got straight to the point. He wasn’t one to waste time.
“I’ve heard from Sam and he’s not coming back. He’s going to take early retirement and move back east to be with
his daughter, so she can take care of him”.
“Which leaves me with a place to fill and I’d like to offer you the position. I know it’s only a small department, but
you would have a free hand. As you know, Sam’s job was more pulling things together rather than working so much
on the creative side, but, I’m willing to offer you a good deal. In fact, I’m willing to offer you more than we were
paying Sam, if it’ll keep you here”.
“That’s great Phil. I’m really flattered, but you say I wouldn’t be doing so much hands-on work?” said Justin
frowning. To him, that was what it was all about. Bringing something to life, not getting other people to do it.
“I know you’re an artist, Justin and this would be a big change for you, so I’m not looking for an answer right now.
I’ll give you till after the Christmas holidays, but I will need to know then.” And he stood up and offered Justin his
hand.
This was a wonderful opportunity, but he had to consider it well. The extra money would be great, but he wondered
whether it would compensate for not doing the creative work that he loved so much.
Returning home, the smells of cooking greeted him as he opened the front door.
The lights were on low and he could hear Tim moving around in the kitchen. He slipped off his jacket and walked
into the living room. The table was laid for dinner and there were even candles.
Tim came through from the kitchen with a bottle of wine and set it on the table.
“Hi. I’m glad you’re not late tonight”. “Hi, what’s all this?”
The brunet walked over to him and slipped his arms around his waist. “I’ve been such an asshole lately, I just
wanted to do something to say sorry”, and Tim lent forward and kissed him.
After they’d kissed, Justin put his hands on Tim’s shoulders and pushed him slightly away so that he could look at
him. “I hate it when we fight”, he said.
“It’s me. I’ve …. I’ve been kinda jealous, I guess. You’re doing a job you love and getting on so well, I sorta feel
I’m getting left behind a little just lately. You’re already earning more than me and I’m older than you and stuck in
the same boring job, day in, day out … Well, it just makes me feel we’re not quite partners; equals”.
“That’s dumb”, said the blond. “I would never feel that way”.
“I know; it’s just me. I’m sorry. Now, let’s eat. I’m starving”, and Tim left him to fetch their meal from the kitchen.
Justin closed his eyes. If Tim were like this now, how would he take the news of a promotion? He hadn’t realised his
lover had felt this way, but why should he feel guilty because he was good at what he did and was getting the
recognition for it?
Justin sat down at the table, poured the wine and couldn’t help but think of Brian. He’d always encouraged him to
go for his dreams and would never expect him not to, or put Brian’s needs before his own. But if he stayed with
Tim, he would only make him feel guilty, stifle his ambitions, trapping him in a relationship that surely he would
one day grow to hate. And he didn’t think he loved him enough to forgo everything he had worked so hard for all
these years; since the day it was nearly taken away from him all together.
Chapter 12
Brian:
~~~~~
Using the opportunity to pay a quick visit into work, Brian took Gus along to see the Kinnetik offices in New York
and his son looked around in awe at what had been an old movie house, still complete with marble pillars.
“Wow, Dad. This place is great”, he said, swinging around in his Father’s chair. “Glad you like it Sonny-boy”, said
Brian, dealing with a little correspondence before he closed the offices and let the staff go for the Christmas
holidays.
True to his word, there had indeed been a bonus for everyone, both here and in Pittsburgh. It had been a good year
and Brian had appreciated how everyone had done more than he’d asked of them, especially since he’d taken on the
responsibility of raising his son.
Having freed himself of commitments from now until after the holidays, he allowed Gus to plan their days, trying to
fit in all the marvellous things that appealed to a ten-year-old boy.
They went Christmas shopping at Macy’s, who as usual, put on a beautiful display of lights, but Gus had looked on
horrified when Brian made a suggestion, declaring he was much too old for Santaland!
That evening, they went to look at the lights at Saks on 5th Avenue and at Lord &Taylor, sharing a bag of roasted
chestnuts they’d purchased from an outside stall.
The next few days were filled with going to the museums and exhibitions Gus had wanted to visit and they went out
to look at the Statue of Liberty, arriving back home at Brian’s apartment each evening exhausted but extremely
happy.
This was proving to be a wonderful time for both of them. They enjoyed each other’s company. Gus was smart and
had an artistic eye, just like his Mom and to Gus, his Dad didn’t treat him like a kid, or talk down to him, but asked
for his opinion on everything they saw and did.
Gus had noticed something about his Dad. Out shopping or in a museum, Brian would often attract the attention of
Mom’s out with their kids; probably assuming he was a “weekend Dad”.
Brian didn’t notice this attention of course, it meant nothing to him, but Gus caught it and noticed as well that Brian
often drew admiring glances from other men and saw his Dad smile occasionally, acknowledging the looks that
came his way.
That afternoon, they had bought a tree and decorations and after dinner, had spent the evening putting it up in the
apartment.
When eventually Brian got his son off to bed, he remained in the living room. A while later, needing the bathroom,
Gus noticed the light still on and peeked around the door. His Dad was sitting on the sofa, an untouched glass of
Beam on the side table. He seemed totally lost in thought and hadn’t noticed the door opening.
“Dad, are you okay?” asked Gus, moving towards his Father. Brian seemed to cough a little before he answered him.
“Hey, Sonny-boy, what are doing out of bed? It’s getting late”, and he ushered his son back to bed and decided to
turn in himself.
Though tired from everything they’d done that day, Brian found it hard to sleep.
He was beginning to realise just how much he’d missed out on during his son’s growing up; like the sight of a small
boy looking on in fascination at the sparkling lights on a Christmas tree, and reaching up to place the angel on the
top.
Christmas time was when people came together, families and friends, and lovers. But Brian had dreaded Christmas
when he was growing up; when his Dad’s work was closed for the holidays, forcing the family to spend time
together.
It usually ended with his parents fighting and getting drunk and Brian hiding in his bedroom, trying to keep out of
his Father’s way. And then, after Jack had sought him out to use him as a punch bag on which to vent his anger and
frustrations, Brian would limp over to Michael’s and Debbie would clean him up and give him a meal. Michael
would then show him his presents, which he would allow Brian to share with him. The Novotny’s didn’t have a lot
of money, but there had been a lot of love to go round.
Christmas was also a reminder that another year was drawing to a close and for Brian, this had been one of the most
traumatic of his life.
Losing the close friend that he’d had in Lindsay and now bringing up his son, single-handed, for the first time he
started to wonder what it might have been like to have had some support; for someone to be there to talk things
through with; to ask if you were doing the right thing or even offer a shoulder when you thought you’d got it wrong
and didn’t know if you could cope.
He’d always said the only person you had was yourself; he’d said it so many times he’d started to believe it. He
loved his son, but realised he craved adult company also. Not just as a lover, but perhaps someone to share the
everyday situations that life threw at you; someone to laugh with, to cry with, to share the experiences he was now
enjoying with Gus and maybe even argue with about whose turn it was to collect the dry-cleaning.
In his bedroom, Gus was also wide-awake and feeling thirsty. Quietly going into the kitchen for a drink, instead of
returning to his room he went and sat on the sofa. His Dad worried him and, absentmindedly; Gus fiddled with the
radio, turning the volume down quickly when the sound came on.
“Across the nation, it’s 10.05pm. Pacific Standard, 11.05 Mountain, 12.05am. Central and 1.05am. here in New
York. Welcome back to True Love on Radio Pride FM with Dr. Leo Franklin”.
“Now, I believe it’s Raymond on line 5. Raymond, you’re through to Dr. Franklin, how can I help you?”
“I … I split up with my boyfriend and he’s now not even taking my calls ……”
It immediately grabbed Gus’ attention. A phone-in on a gay radio show: maybe he could find out how to help his
Dad get a boyfriend.
For the next half-hour, he listened as guys phoned in, seeking help with their relationships and to the advice given.
“…. Radio Pride FM on 212-555-1969 …”
Gus picked up the phone and dialled.
Chapter 13
Justin:
~~~~~
Justin was still considering the offer of promotion. It would be a huge achievement, after everything, for him to
become head of a department at the tender age of 28.
He still hadn’t told Tim, who’d been trying his best to apologise for his behaviour. He’d been far more attentive the
last few days and had even started to ask about Justin’s work.
Justin rubbed his eyes, he couldn’t quite get this how he wanted and it was now after 10.30pm.
He had the radio on in the workroom for company and to help him stay awake. He wondered why he listened to this
particular show; guys bemoaning how they couldn’t hang on to their boyfriends or how they’d been cheated on and
he was about to turn it off. But then there was something different about this item.
“This is Dr. Franklin. I believe we have a caller on line 2. I see we don’t have a name? Okay caller, how can I help
you?”
“Umm …. It’s my Dad …” said the young voice on the radio.
“Your … your Dad? I think you may have got the wrong radio show young man and it’s getting pretty late ….”
chuckled the host.
“No, this is the right show. My Dad’s gay”.
“Oh. Okay. Then what appears to be the problem?”
“I think he’s lonely. He doesn’t have a boyfriend, though I think he had one a long time ago.”
“What happened?”
“I don’t know, he’s never said, but I found some old photographs and I think it was him”.
“I see”, said Dr. Franklin. Initially, he’d started to treat the call a little light heartedly, but he could tell from the tone
that the boy was obviously very concerned.
“He’s always on his own and he looks sad”, the boy continued.
“Is he there? Shall I talk to him?” Dr. Franklin asked.
“He doesn’t know I’m calling”.
“I see. I don’t have your name. Can you tell me your name?”
“It’s Gus”.
“And how old are you Gus?”
“I’m ten”.
“And your Dad …… What’s your Dad’s name?”
“It’s …… gotta go. I think I hear him”. And there was a click as the phone was put down.
Justin stared at the radio and wondered how many ten-year-old kids were called Gus.
Surely it couldn’t be Brian’s kid; that was impossible. And when did Brian ever have trouble getting guys? No, it
was laughable, but when Justin went home that evening he had a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach, which kept
him awake until the small hours.
Brian:
~~~~~
Gus quickly turned off the radio.
“Gus. What are you doing out here?” asked Brian as he came into the living room, rubbing his eyes.
“I was getting a drink”, said Gus, picking up the glass of water.
“Do you know what time it is? It’s nearly two. Come on, we’ve got another big day tomorrow. You want to go
skating, remember?” and Brian escorted his son back to bed.
Strange, he could have sworn he heard him talking to someone. He must have been dreaming.
Liberty Diner:
~~~~~~~~~~
“Will everyone shut the fuck up”, yelled Debbie and immediately the room was hushed; she was working the late
shift and it had been a long day, so no one challenged Debbie Novotny when she was in this sort of mood.
She turned up the volume on the radio just as the boy signed off. There’d been so much noise in the diner they
hadn’t caught the kid’s name.
“Shit. I wanted to know how that turned out”, she said, pouring out coffee for the men in the booth opposite the
counter.
Michael, Ben, Ted and Emmett had been to the movies together and had spent the last couple of hours sitting in the
diner, just talking. Michael had promised to wait for his Mom and walk her home. She’d cut back on some of her
hours and didn’t normally work this late, but the diner was open 24/7 and she had offered to cover for someone
who’d asked for the night off, much to her new fiancés objections.
“We’re not married yet!” she’d reminded him.
“That sounded awfully like Gus”, offered Emmett. “You know, our Gus… Brian’s Gus”.
“Are you crazy? As if Brian needed help from a true love …. doctor …. whatever“ stated Michael, draining his
coffee cup.
His Mom’s relief had just arrived and Debbie had gone to collect her coat.
“What about you Ted? You must see Brian more than anyone, working for him”, asked Ben.
“True, but he doesn’t come in to the office now as much as he used to, and I saw him about once a month when he
moved to New York. I dunno, I think he has changed some. He doesn’t blow up as much as he used to, but he's still
a demon when it comes to securing an account”.
“Maybe looking after a kid has calmed him down a little. You learn to have patience when you’re dealing with a ten
year old” stated Debbie, taking her son’s arm on one side and Ben’s on the other.
But her mind was working overtime and Emmett was right. It did sound awfully like Gus.
Chapter 14
Justin:
~~~~~
It was just as well everything was almost finished. He didn’t get too much sleep last night and had needed to come
in early to get the last few things done before the Christmas deadline and it was now mid-afternoon.
Justin couldn’t stop thinking about the radio show the night before. He was sure it had been Gus that day at the
cemetery, but hadn’t stopped to talk to him and had no way of knowing if it was the same boy he’d heard over the
air.
As he was about to download the last sections onto disk for the courier, who was due to arrive shortly to deliver to
the processors, the system crashed.
Luckily, they had an emergency callout contract, but even so, it would be at least an hour before the engineer would
arrive and then who knew how long it would take to get the system back up and running.
The processors were expecting it and had wanted to start working on it the very next day, even though it was
Christmas Eve. They had fallen behind and were likely to incur a penalty payment if they didn’t complete on time.
Much to Phil’s relief, Justin agreed to stay on for the engineer and, by the time he’d arrived, had fixed the system
and Justin had successfully downloaded everything onto disk, it was 8:30 before the courier was able to collect it.
Someone would be waiting at the other end to take delivery.
Around 8.45pm, Justin had finished up and was on his way home. He turned on the radio.
Brian:
~~~~~
Brian and Gus had spent most of the day skating at the Rockerfeller Centre and the boy was learning more about his
Dad each day.
With perfect balance and an athletic frame, Brian was a natural on skates and was still extremely fit.
Though Gus had tried a few times before, this was the first time he’d been skating with his Dad and, with his
Father’s tuition, it hadn’t been long before he too was moving around the ice as if he was born to it.
Brian watched him as Gus struck out on his own. He was thrilled to think he could pass on a skill to his son. There
was so much he was finding out about him all the time.
Like how he tilted his head to listen in a way that reminded him of Lindsay and often came out with a logic that had
been so instinctively like hers. He had a way of knowing exactly what someone meant, even though it hadn’t
necessarily been what they had said.
He had a directness about him that Brian knew could only have come from him and wasn’t afraid to say what he was
thinking.
Comfortable in his Father’s presence, Gus was now starting to ask Brian more questions about how he knew his
Mom and why he hadn’t always been around.
Brian didn’t always have the answers and said so; he wasn’t going to bullshit his son.
Gus wondered whether Justin had got the letter yet. When he wrote it, he half hoped he might reply; it might get him
and Brian talking again.
At dinner, Brian couldn’t help but notice his son was quieter than he had been on this trip and asked him if anything
was wrong. He wasn’t really prepared for what came next.
“Did you love Justin?” Gus asked and the forkful of food that had been half way to Brian’s mouth was suddenly put
down in surprise at such a direct question.
“What makes you ask that?”
“When I found the photographs, you wouldn’t talk about him and when I asked Debbie …… “
“You asked Debbie? You had no right to ask Debbie about Justin. That’s private, between him and me”, and Brian
got up from the table and started to clear away the dishes.
Gus could see his Father was angry. He hadn’t meant to upset him; they’d been getting on so well just lately.
Brian stood at the sink and shut his eyes. He hadn’t meant to snap at Gus. He was just a kid after all and didn’t
understand these things.
He went back to the table and sat down. Brian could see his son was hurt by his tone and didn’t want to spoil things;
they’d come too far in their relationship and he didn’t want to fight with him.
“Gus, I didn’t mean to yell at you, but you must realise that from time to time there’ll be things that are off limits
and Justin is one of them. He was someone I knew once, that’s all. End of story”, but looking at his Father, Gus
could see the sadness in his eyes whenever Justin’s name was mentioned.
He waited until Brian had gone to bed. He was more convinced than ever that his Dad was sad and lonely and Gus
would do anything to make him happy.
Just before midnight, he quietly went out to the living room and dialled the radio station’s number. The True Love
programme was a nightly show and this time, he gave his name as soon as the call was answered.
Fascinated, Dr. Leo Franklin immediately went to him. He’d been disappointed that their call had been terminated
so abruptly the night before and wanted to know more about Gus and his Dad.
“Well, I understand we have Gus back on the line from last night. Gus, we were talking about your Dad, weren't
we?”
“That's right”, confirmed the youngster.
“You said you think he’s lonely. How can I help you?”
“Umm …. I’m not really sure. I guess …, I guess I wanna know how I can help him get a boyfriend so he’s not
unhappy and on his own all the time”.
“I see. Do you think he wants a boyfriend?”
“I suppose. I mean he must get pretty bored with just me around all the time. I’m sure there must be grown up stuff
he wants to do”.
Leo Franklin smiled to himself at the boy’s innocence and was more curious than ever to learn about the young
man’s Father.
“You haven’t told us his name yet. Can you tell me his name?”
At first, Gus hesitated but then replied. “It’s Brian; Brian Kinney”.
Chapter 15
Liberty Diner:
~~~~~~~~~~
"Shh, that kid's back!" yelled Debbie at the top of her voice, turning up the volume on the radio.
The diner was packed. Even Michael, Ben, Ted and Emmett had gathered there in order to hear the programme
together. There had been a lot of talk all day about the radio show. People were wondering if they could possibly
know this kid or his Dad and the customers at the diner had all gathered to hear if he would come back again after
the call was cut off so abruptly the previous night and were all now listening intently, saying how cute the child had
sounded and how sweet it was that he was so worried for his Dad.
But no one was expecting that the man in question was none other than Pittsburgh’s very own Brian Kinney.
“Holy shit!” exclaimed Debbie and Michael dropped his coffee cup.
Justin:
~~~~~
“Holy shit!”
Justin pulled the car off the road and cut the engine. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. It was Gus, Brian's
son, who was on the radio after all. But why was the boy so obviously concerned about his Father? Why should he
think Brian was sad and lonely and in need of company?
He must have changed a lot in the years since he'd known him if Gus was this worried about him and Justin found
his heart was pounding and he was holding his breath as he listened to the radio.
Brian:
~~~~
“And what about your Mom; you haven’t mentioned her. Is she around?” asked Dr. Franklin.
“Uh no … both my Mom’s were killed in a car crash a little while ago. That’s why I live with my Dad now”.
“I understand,” and Dr. Franklin was just about to ask Gus another question when he heard a voice in the
background.
“Gus, what are you doing? Who are you talking to?”
Undetected by his son, Brian had come into the living room after thinking he could hear Gus talking to someone and
found him on the phone.
“Who are you talking to at this time of night? Give me the phone".
Gus was shocked rigid as his Father took the phone from him and then panicking, he fled from the room.
"Gus, come back here", called Brian after him and only just heard the faint voice on the other end of the line.
"Mr. Kinney? Brian?"
"Who is this?" Brian demanded.
"My name is Dr. Leo Franklin …."
"A doctor? Why is my son calling you? If he's sick ….."
"No .. no, I'm a psychologist …."
"What? A psychologist? I don't understand. Why would my son need to talk to you?" Brian was becoming very
agitated.
"Brian", said Leo, trying to calm him down. "Gus called me because he's very worried about you and is asking for
help".
There was a long pause: Brian had no idea what to say. Turning around, he saw Gus peeking out from behind the
door and he beckoned his son to come back into the room.
"Brian? Are you still there?"
Again, another pause, until finally, "Yes, I'm still here".
That Gus was so worried about him that he had to call a complete stranger in the middle of the night, struck at Brian
deeply.
"Brian, is there anything I can do? Is there anything you want to ask me or tell me?"
“What did Gus say exactly?” asked Brian.
“Well, he said he thinks you’re lonely and that you need some adult company. He also said he thinks you’re sad”.
“Are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Lonely? ….. Sad?”
Brian sat on the sofa and looked at Gus. He was pale and obviously worried stiff, thinking he was in big trouble, and
the look on the boy’s face brought a lump to Brian’s throat.
But Brian still hadn’t answered the question.
Leo Franklin decided on a different approach.
“It can’t be easy, bringing up a young son on your own”, he said.
Brian smiled. “Tell me about it”, he replied. “They don’t exactly come with a manual”.
“No, I guess they don’t”.
“Gus started to tell me about his Mom’s. I understand they were killed.”
Brian cleared his throat. “Yeah, that’s right. Lindsay, that’s Gus’ birth Mom, well she and her partner, Melanie, were
killed in a car accident about seven months ago”.
“That must have been an extremely difficult time for you both”.
“It was. Gus lost both his Mom’s and I lost one of my closest friends. Lindz … Lindsay and I were at college
together”.
“You weren’t a couple?”
“Oh no, not like that. But as we were so close, when she and Melanie wanted a kid, Lindsay asked me to be the
Father”.
“And how did you feel about that?”
Brian took hold of Gus’s hand and gently pulled him down on the sofa beside him.
“To be truthful, I didn’t take it too seriously at first. It was only after he was born that I realised what we’d done;
had brought a new life into the world”.
“And how do you feel about it now?”
Brian stroked the back of Gus’s head. “I wouldn’t trade it for anything”.
“But still, having no one to share the responsibility, it must be really hard to go it alone”. Leo thought he would try
again.
“Gus said he thought you had a boyfriend a while back. Was there someone special?”
“That was a long time ago”. Brian’s voice became flat and quiet.
“What happened?”
“It didn’t work out”.
“Why do think that was?”
“I … I couldn’t give him what he wanted: Tell him what he needed to hear”.
“Did you love him?”
There was silence over the air.
“Brian, did you love him?”
“I …….” You could hear Brian swallow and take a deep breath, but the words still wouldn’t come.
“If there’s a chance the two of you might……..”
“No. I had the chance, but I let it slip away. You don’t get a second go at something like that”. And Leo could hear
in Brian’s voice the very sadness that had so concerned his son.
“Does he at least have a name?”
Brian took a deep breath.
“Justin”, he said quietly. “His name is Justin”.
Chapter 16
Liberty Diner:
~~~~~~~~~
Michael took out his cell phone and hit the quick dial button.
“What are you doing?” asked his Mom.
“I’m calling Brian’s cell. I’m sure he doesn’t realise this is going out over the air….” but Debbie snatched it out of
his hand.
“Oh no you don’t”, she said.
“But Mom…”
“No, Michael. Talking like this might be just what Brian needs.” And she put the cell phone in her pocket.
Justin:
~~~~
Justin realised he was gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were turning white.
To hear Brian say his name like that over the radio had made his stomach do a million somersaults.
He realised Brian had said, “His name is Justin and not was Justin”. He must still think of him; care for him even
and as he started the car engine and headed for home he wondered if there might be the slightest chance they could
ever try again.
Brian:
~~~~
After Brian had said Justin’s name, he desperately needed to draw the conversation to a close, knowing he’d
probably said way too much.
“I’m sorry. I can’t …. I have to go”. And he put down the phone, just hearing Dr. Franklin say to please call him if
there was anything he could do at any time.
“You’re not mad at me Dad, are you?” asked Gus, looking up at his Father.
"No, I'm not mad at you", said Brian, putting his arm around the boy's shoulders. "But I wish you'd told me how you
felt before. You don't have to worry about me Gus, really you don't. Come on, it's late. It's Christmas Eve already.
Time for bed if you want to stay up and go to the Empire State Building", and he walked with his son back to his
bedroom and made sure he was safely tucked up in bed before retiring himself.
Brian thought about the telephone conversation. How the fuck could he have said all that to a complete stranger?
But there was something about the man that had made Brian trust him completely and open up to him.
Justin:
~~~~
Phil had told Justin he needn’t come in tomorrow. He’d put in so many hours the passed month, almost doing two
people’s work that the least he could do was give him Christmas Eve off.
But he couldn’t go home just yet; he kept going over the radio show in his head. Listening to Brian talking, he could
hear something in the man’s voice he’d never detected before: vulnerability.
He drove around for over an hour and was surprised to find the lights still on when he got home.
Tim greeted him with a glass of wine when he opened the door.
“Finally! I was thinking I was gonna have to send out a search party”, he said, grinning at Justin, who was removing
his jacket.
“I didn’t think you’d still be up”, said the blonde. “Well, I thought we could start celebrating Christmas early”, and
Tim slipped his hand inside Justin’s shirt and lent forward for a kiss.
“Tim, don’t. I really don’t feel like it”, and Justin pulled away and sat on the sofa, not inviting any conversation.
“Seems you don’t feel like it a lot just lately. It’s gonna be some fucking Christmas if you’re gonna be like this. Do
you mind telling me what I’ve done this time?” asked Tim, sitting in a chair on the opposite side of the room.
“It’s not just you. It’s ….. . I don’t know. I’m not sure what I want right now”.
“Well in that case, I’m going to bed. Perhaps you’ll tell me what’s wrong in the morning”. And Tim left him sitting
alone in the living room.
Having finished his wine, Justin got up to get a refill and noticed the mail on the table; the usual circulars and a few
Christmas cards addressed to him. There was one envelope written in a hand he didn’t recognise, but it had a
Pittsburgh postmark.
Curious, he opened it up and took out the letter from Gus. This couldn’t just be a coincidence; he didn’t believe in
those.
He read the letter over and over. Gus must really miss his Mom’s, but it sounded like he was getting on great with
his Dad.
He knew Brian had always loved Gus: even if he didn’t admit it at the beginning. One of Justin’s most precious
memories was seeing Brian in the hospital, cradling his new-born son on the night that Gus was born; the birth of
their relationship also, as this was the very same night they had first met on Liberty Avenue and it was Justin who
had named the infant.
Gus sounded so excited that his Dad was taking him to New York for the Christmas holidays; talking about all the
things they planned to do there. But there it was again, Gus had written how he thought his Dad was lonely and
needed company.
Justin couldn’t help but remember the last time he saw Brian, on the night of the Rage party. He knew he should
never have left then. He should have fought to keep their relationship going, but instead he chose to run away. And
it occurred him that maybe he’d been running ever since.
Justin knew he still loved Brian and if he thought for one moment they might have another chance…….. He read the
letter again and smiled, trying to picture Brian and Gus together at the Empire State Building.
He missed him so much; the feeling had never gone away, not whilst he was with Ethan or even with Tim. Thoughts
of Brian were never far beneath the surface and suddenly, Justin made a decision. He had to go to Brian; to see if
there was the remotest chance he felt the same way. He had to give it another shot. If there was nothing left after all
this time, at least he’d know that he’d tried.
Justin went into the bedroom and got his rucksack from the bottom of the closet and started to put in some clothes
and toiletries: enough for a few days.
Tim woke. “Are you going somewhere?” he asked, sleepily.
Justin looked at him. “I’m going to New York”.
“Are you out of your fucking mind and what the hell’s in New York anyhow?” Tim was now wide-awake.
“I don’t have time for explanations right now. This is something I just have to do”.
“How are you going to get there? There’s a holiday coming up or have you forgotten?”
“I haven’t forgotten and I don’t care how I do it. I only know I’ve just got to get there”. And Justin finished packing,
walked towards Tim and gave him a quick kiss.
“You’re not coming back, are you?”
Justin managed a slight smile and walked out the door.
Liberty Diner:
~~~~~~~~~
Debbie smiled to herself as she turned off the radio and removed her apron. Marty was back from visiting his
daughter in Harrisburg and had arrived to take her home. This was going to be their first Christmas together.
She had a strange, yet warm feeling about what had happened with Brian. She couldn't explain it, but she knew that
things were going to turn out just right.
"You know, Marty", she said, looking skywards and squeezing his arm as they left the diner, "I think it’s going to
snow. Don’t you just love Christmas?”
Chapter 17
Justin:
~~~~
He was waiting at the booking desk when it opened.
“Sir, it’s Christmas Eve. It’s a restricted service and all the flights to New York are sold out”, the booking clerk had
informed him.
“Fuck”, Justin muttered under his breath. It looked like his plans, like him, weren’t even going to get off the ground.
“Wait a minute. How close can you get me?”
“Get you where?”
“To New York. How close can you get me to New York?”
The clerk brought up a new screen on the computer.
“Well, the first flight out I can get you on will take you as far as Pittsburgh. It’ll get you there around 1:30 local
time, if that’s any good”. Justin did a quick calculation.
“Can I arrange a car to be ready for when I land?” he asked.
“Sure, we can do that for you. Though it’s going to be pretty late by the time you get to New York”, and he took
Justin’s credit card to make the payments.
Justin knew it really was a long shot. It would be a very long drive to New York from Pittsburgh, but he was
heading for the Empire State Building and only hoped Brian would still be there when he arrived.
Sure, he could wait until after the Christmas holidays and go and find him then, but something told him that this was
the right time; that if he didn’t do this now, then it might never happen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Settled in his seat, Justin put on the headphones and tried concentrating on the in-flight entertainment, hoping to
avoid having to speak to anyone. It was no use, in his mind he kept going over what he was going to say to Brian
when he got there.
“Fuck, what am I gonna say?” How was he going to explain just turning up out of nowhere and going to search for
Brian at the Empire State Building for Chrissakes? “What is this, some fucking movie?” Some ridiculously romantic
quest in order to try and rekindle a relationship that ended nearly 10 years before? And Justin couldn’t help but
wonder if this was some fool’s errand he’d embarked upon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin thanked the gods that seemed to be on his side. He’d made sure he was first down the steps from the airplane
and, only having hand luggage, was out of the airport with the minimum of delay. The car was fully gassed and
waiting for him.
“I must be out of my fucking mind”, he thought as he threw his rucksack onto the back seat and headed for New
York.
Brian:
~~~~
They’d had a leisurely afternoon and although it had been extremely late by the time they'd got to bed, Brian and
Gus had been out shopping again that morning.
Brian hadn’t mentioned the telephone conversation and Gus thought it best he didn’t say anything either.
They’d wrapped their Christmas presents to each other in their rooms and these were now placed under the tree.
There was one other present they’d bought, which Gus had placed inside a Christmas card and written on the
envelope: “Mom & Mama”.
They’d been to the Botanical Gardens and purchased a gift certificate. When they got home to Pittsburgh, they
would redeem it for a young sapling and plant the tree in the garden: A permanent memorial to Lindsay and
Melanie.
Now, wrapped up well against the cold, they headed out for something to eat before the main event of the evening.
Justin:
~~~~
Much to his astonishment, Justin had virtually a clear run all he way to New York, despite a light dusting of snow
and only stopped to re-fuel the car, use the restrooms and pick up some refreshments, which he consumed whilst
driving.
Taking the Pennsylvania Turnpike, he couldn't help but remember back to when he and Brian were last in New York
together, following the time he’d run away after fighting with him; after Brian had thrown him out of the loft for not
setting that damned alarm; allowing the place to be robbed.
Christ, was he really that same kid back then, the kid that had taken Brian's credit card in the hope that he might
come after him? A kid so scared he hadn't even dared step outside the hotel once he'd got there. He hadn't even
thought any further than that at the time, but what would have happened if Brian hadn't turned up looking for him?
He could have ended up anywhere, maybe even on the streets, if the card had just been cancelled; If Brian hadn't
given a fuck about him.
But he had come to find him and they’d made love in the hotel room. And Brian had taken practically this same
route that Justin himself was now taking from Pittsburgh to New York.
Before it was Brian coming after him; now it was his turn and it seemed that his life was turning full circle.
Brian:
~~~~
They'd treated themselves to a meal at an Italian restaurant and Brian had looked on with pride as Gus ordered off
the menu, knowing exactly what he'd wanted.
"Too many meals at the Novotny's", came to Brian's mind and he smiled to himself, remembering with affection
how many meals Debbie had provided for him as a kid, all those times he'd just turned up there, seeking sanctuary
from the bullshit going on at home. And, having finished their meal, it was just after 8:00 when they arrived at their
destination.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Gus, it’s getting pretty cold up here”, complained Brian, stamping his feet and wrapping Gus’s scarf snugly around
the boy's neck before thrusting his own hands deep into his pockets.
They’d been up on the observatory deck for nearly three hours watching the lights over the city and trying to make
out the different landmarks and Brian couldn’t think what on earth was keeping Gus up here.
But he kept making excuses for not wanting to go down and Brian suspected it was just a ploy to stay up as late as
he could on Christmas Eve, and he ruffled the boy’s hair and smiled.
Justin:
~~~~
Luckily, he knew where he was going and parked the car as close as he could, but he only had enough change to put
an hour on the meter. If he couldn't find Brian in that time then he probably wasn’t going to tonight. He’d then have
to decide what he was going to do. If he didn’t get back to it, he’d have to call the rental company later for them to
come pick it up and he’d just have to pay whatever fine there was.
Brian:
~~~~
“Gus, it’s gone 11:00. It’s going to be so late when we get home. I should never have let you stay out this long”, and
Brian was trying to get him to the elevator and off home.
Gus had a wonderful time up on the observatory deck, but he couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. At the back
of his mind, he’d sort of hoped that Justin would have read the letter and realised where his Dad would be on
Christmas Eve.
With one final look over his shoulder, he headed towards the elevators with Brian.
Justin:
~~~~
Justin grabbed his rucksack from the car and ran the rest of the way along Fifth Avenue to the Empire State
Building, rushing in the main entrance and gasping for breath as he skidded across the floor. Passing through the
security check, he headed down the escalator to the Observatory Ticket Office. Thankfully, at this late hour and on
Christmas Eve, there was no one else around, which meant he didn’t have to queue to purchase his admission ticket.
Hurriedly, Justin now retraced his route, following the directions to the 2nd floor in order to redeem the ticket and
take the elevator.
Arriving at the 80th floor, he still had to get up to the Observatory and he looked at his watch. “Christ, was it that
time already?” and he wondered would Brian and Gus still be there at this late hour, or would this insane journey all
be a complete waste of time.
It was just after 11:15 and the Observatory elevator doors were closing.
“Hold it, please”, he called and the doors opened. “You’re darned lucky”, the operator said, as Justin stepped in.
“This is the last one tonight”. And he pushed the button and they started to move upwards.
Brian:
~~~~
The elevator doors opened as Brian and Gus approached and Brian stood back to let the blond pass, without looking
at him.
But instead of walking by, the man stood in front of him and, realising someone was blocking his path, he looked
up.
“Hello, Brian”, said Justin, softly.
Chapter 18
Brian and Justin:
~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian stared at the man who had spoken to him and Justin could tell by the look in his eyes that at first, he hadn't
recognised him.
"Justin?" Brian said at last, his voice barely audible and the reason he hadn't known the man now standing before
him was just that; here was a grown man. When last he’d seen him, Justin had a youthful look still about him instead
of the adult that he had become. But Justin would have known him anywhere, Brian's beauty ignoring the passing of
so many years since their last meeting.
On his way up in the elevator, Justin had tried to compose himself and, suddenly, now standing in front of the very
man he'd come looking for, he couldn't believe his luck that Brian was still here; that he'd found him.
The operator coughed. "Folks, if you're not going down right now, can I just remind you that we close in about 40
minutes", and the doors closed and they could hear the motor whirring as the elevator descended.
Justin smiled and looked at the boy by Brian's side. "This must be Gus".
"I thought it was you at the cemetery", said the youngster looking up at him. "You put flowers on my Mom's graves,
didn't you?" Justin nodded.
Brian looked from Justin to his son and back again. They seemed to be sharing something that he hadn’t been a part
of and he shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. "What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I … I came looking for you". "How did you know where to find me?" "I umm …. I had a little help", said Justin,
looking down at Gus, who was biting his bottom lip, embarrassed at having been found out.
Justin shivered; it had got really cold now and looked like snow and he only had on a thin jacket.
"Can we talk? Somewhere a bit warmer", he asked.
Brian ran his fingers through his hair, trying to think. "I guess we could go to the apartment. I need to get Gus back,
but it's gonna take a while to get a cab now".
"I've got a rental", said Justin, "if you don't mind a walk back to it".
Brian summoned the elevator and they rode all the way down in silence, all but for a few words of pleasantries and
politeness.
When they got back to the car, Brian gave Justin directions and silently cursed himself; after all this time apart, he
couldn't think of a single thing to say of any meaning and the conversation was left to Gus and Justin. The boy
chatted happily, telling Justin the things they’d seen and done during their stay in New York, whilst Brian stared out
of the window, seemingly lost in his own thoughts.
He tried to keep his face from showing any emotion, but sitting only inches away from his former lover, Brian’s
stomach was churning and his heart was racing and he couldn't help but wonder how and why Gus had been in
contact with him.
Justin kept throwing quick glances Brian’s way, trying to judge his reaction to him just turning up out of the blue,
but the man only responded when spoken to directly and then with only a few words.
He was confused and couldn’t quite understand Brian’s coolness towards him, especially as he’d practically
admitted to the whole world the night before just how special Justin had once been to him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arriving at the apartment, Brian cranked up the heating and he and Gus took off their heavy topcoats, scarves and
gloves and Justin removed his jacket, thankful to be inside in the warm.
"Gus, I want you to go to bed quickly now. You know what day it is and Santa doesn't like kids who aren't asleep,"
said Brian, half-smiling and for a moment trying to pretend that Justin wasn’t there.
Gus looked at him in disgust, but he knew his Dad was only teasing him. "Dad, you know I stopped believing in
Santa when I was six, besides the presents are under the tree already", but he also realised the two men needed some
time alone, so he wasn't going to make a fuss about getting to bed; not tonight of all nights.
"Night Dad and thanks. It was a brilliant day", said Gus, leaving the room. "That's okay, Sonny-boy. I had a great
time too".
"Night Justin", the boy called back over his shoulder. "Night Gus", came the reply.
"Do you wanna drink?" asked Brian. "I'm having one anyway" and he moved to the side-table and poured out a glass
of Beam, which he offered to Justin without waiting for a reply. Justin took the glass and Brian poured out a shot for
himself.
"Have a seat", he said, indicating the sofa and Justin sat, but Brian still stood by the table, desperately trying to
maintain some distance between them.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” he asked quietly, taking a sip of his drink, staring into his glass, not daring to
look at his guest.
Justin put down his glass and decided to plunge right in. “I wanted to talk about us …… you and me”.
Brian shook his head. “There is no us, Justin. That was all over a long time ago”, and he threw the rest of his drink
down his throat in one swallow, now feeling the burn as the liquid hit his stomach.
“Was it? I … I haven't stopped thinking about you. I should never have left with Ethan like that, I …”
“Well you did; End of story”. Just to hear the other man’s name spoken out loud cut him to the quick and Brian
turned away to pour himself a refill: a large one.
Justin stood and went over to him. “Is it? I don’t believe that”, he said, putting a hand on Brian’s shoulder, but the
man only moved away from him.
Brian’s heart was pounding fit to burst right out of his chest. Why was this happening now, after all these years?
After last night’s telephone conversation with a stranger, here suddenly was the very man he’d spoken about: spoken
about, but could hardly talk to.
He’d cared so deeply about the boy, even if he’d never told him so and more than he ever dared admit to himself.
But now seeing Justin as a man, a beautiful, mature man, he couldn’t trust himself to be so close to him and not give
himself away.
He wanted to touch him so much, but if he did, he knew he would be lost forever and then what if Justin left again?
He didn’t think he could bear it.
Justin sighed quietly to himself. Maybe he was coming on too strong. Why should Brian believe he still cared about
him? If he’d really cared that much he wouldn’t have left him all those years ago, he'd have stayed, fought to keep
their relationship alive. But after hearing what Brian had said on the radio, Justin was convinced the older man still
had feelings for him.
“Gus is a great kid. You must be really proud”, said Justin, trying to steer the conversation a different way.
“Yeah, well that’s all down to Lindz and Mel. I can’t take any credit there”.
“Don’t put yourself down. I bet you’ve done a great job with him since …. Well, you know. And it can’t have been
easy, bringing him up on your own”.
Brian frowned. Justin was the second person to say that to him in the last 24 hours.
“I was so sorry to hear about Mel and Lindz. You must really miss Lindz”.
“Yeah, I do”, said Brian, downing his drink. “But it’s been far worse for Gus”.
“Gus has grown up so much”, continued Justin. “I can’t believe he’s the same little kid I used to know”.
At last Brian looked at him and smiled. “He’s not the only one who’s all grown up”. And Justin smiled back at him.
“Well, you haven’t changed”, said the blonde.
Brian put down his empty glass. “You’re not looking close enough”.
“Is this …. close enough?” asked Justin, moving towards him and this time, Brian didn’t move away. With Justin so
near, Brian thought he must surely be able to hear his heart breaking, the memory of their parting now so vivid in his
mind.
“I like this”, he said, indicating the hair now greying at Brian’s temples. Brian brushed his hand over his ear,
touching the offending area. “I’ve been meaning to do something about that”.
“Don’t, it suits you”, and Justin reached up to run his fingers lightly through the greying hair. For a few moments his
hand lingered and then he cupped Brian’s face.
Whether it was the alcohol starting to kick in preventing all rational thought or purely the physical touch from the
man he’d had such deep feelings for; feelings he'd tried so hard to deny, he couldn’t tell. But Brian closed his eyes
offering no objection as Justin slid an arm around his waist, drawing them even closer together.
“I have missed you so much”, whispered the younger man and he reached up to kiss Brian’s jawbone. Brian leaned
his head back, allowing Justin access to his throat, which was soon being covered in light, lingering kisses; Brian
moaned softly.
“Justin …… I …”, he breathed, pulling back to look into those wonderful blue eyes.
“Shh, we’ll talk later”, came the murmured reply and then Brian couldn’t stop himself any longer.
Slipping an arm around the smaller man’s waist and with his other hand at the back of Justin's head, he pulled Justin
towards him so that their mouths met and Brian ran his fingers through the blond hair, memories of its silkiness
coming back to him.
Justin’s lips parted eagerly, allowing Brian’s tongue to enter his warm, inviting mouth, their tongues mingling and
hands roaming each other’s back and neck and Brian could feel Justin’s erection against his thigh, his own now
demanding attention.
Their mouths parted. “I need you”. Justin’s tone was urgent and such was the ache that Brian felt for him, he knew
all was now surely lost, there was no turning back and Brian took him by the hand and led him to his bedroom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Closing the door behind them, Brian turned the lights down low and hit the button on the CD player; soft music
filled the room. “I don’t want Gus to hear ..….”. But before he could finish his sentence, Justin pulled him round to
face him.
Slowly, he pulled Brian’s sweater up over his head and discarded it.
"You are still so beautiful”, he said, running his fingers over Brian's chest. He threw his arms around Brian’s neck
and they kissed again, with a passion that turned back the years; reminding them of how it had once been between
them.
Parting only when the need for oxygen became urgent, Justin nestled in Brian’s arms.
“I still love you”, he whispered.
Justin felt Brian’s whole body stiffen and heard the sharp intake of breath. He looked up into his face and sighed.
“You still can’t say the words, can you?”
Brian turned his face away, preventing Justin from looking into his eyes: from seeing the pain that lay behind them
and slowly, he pulled away from Justin’s hold; turning his back on him, leaving the blonde standing alone in the
middle of the room.
“Perhaps this was a mistake, but I thought … I really thought that maybe you had feelings for me…. But I wonder
now if you ever really did love me …”
Justin’s voice trailed off. He felt a fool. He’d travelled 3000 miles for what? To have the man he loved turn away
from him, seemingly unable to give of himself, with no affirmation of how he really felt?
“I … I shouldn’t have come here. I’m sorry”, and Justin headed for the door.
"Say goodbye to Gus for me”.
Chapter 19
Brian & Justin:
~~~~~~~~~~
"Justin, please … don't go".
Just to hear Brian say these words would once have been enough, but now Justin wasn't so sure.
"And why exactly should I stay? For you to never tell me how you truly feel? So that I never know where I really
stand with you?" Justin was gripping the door-handle; he would only have to open the door and walk away. It would
be that easy.
"I never said I didn't love you".
Justin's heart leapt into his mouth at the sound of the words and he turned to face him.
"Then what are you saying?"
"I guess …. I guess what I'm saying is …. What the fuck do I know about love?"
Justin could see the tears behind Brian's eyes and watched him as he walked across the room to sit down on the edge
of the bed. His voice was low and filled with more emotion that Justin had ever heard from him before.
"My Dad beat the crap out of me every opportunity he had. Constantly telling me I was a worthless piece of shit
who'd never amount to anything …..… that I should have been aborted". Brian tried to prevent his voice from
shaking, but he couldn’t quite manage it.
Silently, Justin crossed the room and sat beside him. Brian spoke quietly, with his head bowed and Justin had to
strain to hear the words.
"When you're a kid and when you keep hearing that from someone …..…. someone who's supposed to love you
..…… care about you …..… well, it’s really hard and you try to find ways to block out the pain, from the words if
not the punches".
"You try and make yourself believe it doesn't hurt your feelings and then it gets easier to pretend you don't have any
feelings at all .… about anything … anyone”.
“You convince yourself that you don’t believe in love ….... that you don’t need anyone else and that it doesn't
matter anyhow 'cos why would anyone want to love you …..… you’re not worth anything. That way, you can tell
yourself it doesn't hurt when they walk away …..… and break your heart".
Justin's own heart was breaking for the man sitting beside him, who refused to look at him so that Justin couldn't see
his tears. Gently, Justin took Brian by the shoulders and turned him round to face him; this 40-year-old man whose
childhood he’d never quite managed to come to terms with.
"What your Dad did to you is inexcusable, but that doesn't make it true. You do have feelings; I know you do,
despite what you say, and it doesn't mean you're incapable of loving anyone else".
"You love Michael and you loved Lindsay. And what about Gus? I know you've always loved Gus; I've seen you
with him, remember? When he was just a baby and now; I can see how much you love him and it’s obvious how
much he loves you".
Brian shook his head. "That's different. Of course I love my son, but that’s not what I mean".
"Why? What’s different about it?"
“I’m talking about being in love with someone. When you want to be with them, to touch them …… have them
touch you. When you can’t bear to see them with someone else and when you’d do anything to stop them from
getting hurt …..”
Brian's voice trailed off. He was close to breaking point and to let anyone, even Justin, see him like this, after years
of putting up barriers so that no one could get in, made Brian feel more vulnerable than he had ever felt in his life.
Justin put his hand under Brian's chin, bringing his face up to look him in the eyes. "When are you going to learn to
trust me?" he whispered.
"I know how hard this is for you, but I love you. How many times do I have to say it so that you start believing me?
I'll never trample on your feelings. I'll always be here for you".
"And despite what you say, I know you love me”, continued Justin, staring into tear-filled hazel eyes. “I should have
realised you were telling me with everything you did after the bashing. I shouldn't have put such importance on the
words. I heard plenty of pretty words from Ethan and look where that got me. You are capable of so much more than
you know".
"I'm not sure. I don't think I know how to do this". Brian's face was just inches from his own and its beauty, despite
the tears, filled Justin's heart with love until it was at bursting point.
"Then I guess I'm gonna have to stick around and teach you".
Gently, Justin held Brian and kissed his face; kissing away the tears held inside for so long.
Their mouths met, saliva mixed with salt as Justin discovered that he too was now crying. He had the man he loved
in his arms and he wasn't about to let him go.
The relief Brian felt, cradled in Justin's arms, was something he could never have imagined. He felt safe, protected
and loved. Justin was offering him a deep abiding, unconditional love; a love he thought he would never experience.
He'd wasted so many years running away from love that now he'd found it; accepted it, it was like being hit by an
express train and he wasn't going to lose that love again.
He pulled away from Justin's hold and looked deeply into his eyes, waiting for permission to proceed. Justin smiled
and stroked his cheek. Gently, Brian pulled the blond's shirt out of his pants and undid the buttons. He pushed it
back over his shoulders and lent forward to kiss him along his collarbone: Justin’s arms still caught in the sleeves,
unable to move.
Unable to free himself from the material, Justin had no choice but to allow Brian his will, not that any thought of
resistance had even crossed his mind. Brian kissed and licked him from his stomach to his throat and then along his
shoulder and into his neck, nibbling on his ear, making him shudder with pleasure at Brian’s touch, something he
thought he would never feel again.
Finally, Brian pulled the garment off, freeing Justin, who now tugged at Brian’s zipper, fighting the urge to take
Brian into his mouth. He wanted this to last a long time and for the moment at least, he was prepared to wait.
Removing the remainder of each other’s clothing, they lay naked on the bed. But the sense of urgency had
disappeared; this was going to be taken slowly, with every touch, every taste, every sense explored and devoured.
Every pleasure would be sought, relished and remembered forever. Enjoying each other’s bodies like never before:
as if for the very first time.
For Brian, there was a time when he refused to have sex with anyone more than once, mostly not even knowing their
names. But lying with Justin, there was an unexpected joy of making love with someone familiar, knowing what
pleasured them: having them know your desires in return. This was someone he could trust implicitly; allow him to
enter that innermost wonderful place, somewhere no one had ever been allowed to venture before.
And for Justin, to be given permission at last to access Brian's inner core; denied to him for so long and now given
up freely; filled the blonde with a sense of having found his destiny.
Brian was already custodian of Justin’s heart and now it was Justin's turn to claim what was rightfully his.
Entering Justin’s body, filling him, possessing him, Brian stared into his eyes and wondered why he had fought this
for so long. Why had he denied himself the love that had been offered him: constantly rejecting the man who now so
willingly embraced him? Why had he allowed himself to think he didn’t deserve to be loved?
After all, Justin must have thought he was worth it, still, after all this time. Seeking him out with such incredible
determination, not allowing the width of a continent to come between him and the man he loved; the man he hoped
would love him in return; finally. And Brian told himself to believe it were possible; to love and to be loved this
way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finally, their bodies exhausted and glowing, covered with a light film of sweat, they lay in each other’s arms. And
as Justin drifted off to sleep, he couldn’t be sure if he was dreaming when he heard the words he longed for being
whispered in his ear.
“I love you ….. always have, always will”.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Around 6:00 in the morning, Brian woke to find Justin watching him. He'd always loved watching Brian sleep. It
seemed to be the only time when he was completely relaxed and he always looked so beautiful.
He caught the look of relief in Brian’s eyes before he glanced away, ashamed of the doubt that had fleetingly entered
his mind. “Hey”, said Justin, gently, “I’m still here”, and he lent down to kiss him.
“I’ve heard Gus moving around out there. I think he needs his Dad with him today, don’t you?”
Brian looked up at him. It was indeed bound to be a difficult time for his young son, the first Christmas without his
Mom’s. And even though Melanie had ensured that Gus grew up acknowledging and respecting her Jewish customs,
he’d never been denied the trappings of a traditional Christmas. They had found a compromise and Gus had enjoyed
the best of both worlds; growing up to be tolerant, loving and giving; a credit to those who loved him.
Brian stretched his long limbs, encircling his arms around the blonde’s neck. “Then I guess we better go see what
Santa brought”, he said and he pulled Justin towards him for another kiss.
“Merry Christmas, Justin”, he whispered.
“Merry Christmas, Brian”.
Epilogue
Brian & Justin:
~~~~~~~~~
"Night, Sonny-boy. As soon as the fireworks finish its off to sleep, okay?" stated Brian, standing at Gus's bedroom
door, knowing it was pointless expecting him to be able to sleep until after the festivities had all died down.
"Okay Dad, goodnight", said his son, kneeling at the window. "Dad, I had such a great time in New York and I
really like Justin".
Brian smiled. "I'm glad you like him. I like him too".
It was 11:45 on New Year's Eve. They had been back for three days. So far they had got away without anyone
knowing they'd returned to Pittsburgh. Gus had seen a school friend, but other than that, they'd had no contact with
anyone, and Brian had liked it that way. It would soon be time enough when they would have to face friends and
family and answer their questions, but not yet. This time was theirs.
Brian went downstairs to collect two glasses and took the bottle of Champagne from the refrigerator and placed it in
the ice bucket. Freshly showered and wearing just a robe, he took them up to the bedroom.
The sight of Justin lying naked between the sheets caught his breath, as usual and he hoped he would never tire of it.
"That's what I like to see", he said, grinning at him.
Justin had been checking his cell phone, which he now placed on the nightstand.
"You expecting a call?" Brian asked, closing the door behind him.
"I ..… I haven't checked my messages for some time. I thought I better had in case there was anything important".
"And was there?" asked Brian, setting the Champagne and glasses down on the floor beside the bed.
Justin hesitated and Brian caught it. "Hey, you've been telling me these passed few days that we shouldn't have any
secrets …… that we need to be honest with each other. ……..… but then again, if your other boyfriends have been
sending you messages ..… Ouch!" Having taken off his robe, Justin had lent over and slapped him playfully on his
ass.
Brian climbed into bed next to the blond and looked at him, waiting for an answer.
Justin sighed. "It was my boss. He ..… he's offered me a promotion. I said I'd give him my answer straight after
Christmas and he wants to know what I'm going to do".
"A promotion? What sort of promotion?" and suddenly, Brian’s heart missed a beat.
"To be head of my own department and a pretty good pay rise to go with it".
"Well, offers like that don't come along very often. You ….… you should probably take it", said Brian, hoping his
voice wouldn’t give him away. But his stomach flipped at the prospect of Justin being offered something that would
tear them apart and he wondered why he'd been foolish enough to think that this could ever last. He thought of all
the times he’d told Justin to follow his dreams, with no apologies and no regrets. And was now one of those times?
Justin heard the quiver in Brian's voice and, turning towards him, saw the hand that now trembled slightly as he
reached out to pick up the bottle. But before he had a chance to, Justin lent over and placed his hand beneath Brian's
chin and turned him around to face him. He kissed him.
"What was that for?" he asked, searching Justin’s eyes, trying to read what was going on in his head.
Justin held his gaze. “You've just given me the very reason why I know I was right when I told him I wasn't going to
accept it", he replied. Brian probably didn't even realise what he'd just done. But the very fact that he'd told Justin he
should go confirmed for him once and for all that choosing to stay had been the right decision.
No regrets for a missed opportunity; his life was here. His only regret he didn’t come after Brian sooner.
"Well, in that case, have you thought about what I said, about coming to work at Kinnetik?"
"Working for you, you mean?"
"No, working with me …… Partners."
"Well, I’ll give it some serious thought, but whatever I decide, I'm not going back to California. I’m staying right
here", and he couldn’t help but notice the flicker of relief in Brian’s face.
Pittsburgh: It wasn't New York and it certainly wasn't California. But, for all its faults, it was where they had
decided they wanted to be: They’d come home.
"Talking of secrets, I've been meaning to ask, where have you been disappearing off to since we came back?" asked
Justin.
Now it was Brian’s turn to hesitate. "Oh, I ...… I just had a bit of shopping to do, that’s all”, and slowly, he reached
over Justin, intending to open the nightstand drawer.
"Well", said the blond, interrupting him. "I've actually been doing a little shopping of my own", and from under his
pillow, Justin produced a small, beautifully wrapped package.
"I wasn't able to give you anything at Christmas ...", he started to say. "Yes, you did", corrected Brian, leaning
forward to steal a kiss. Justin smiled and handed him the present. Brian sat upright, hesitating before he unwrapped
it.
Still looking at Justin, Brian began to undo the bow and then tore away the outer layer of wrapping. Then, from
within the tissue paper inside, he removed a white silk scarf.
"I never did replace the one that got spoiled", said Justin, softly.
Looking at it, holding it in his hand, brought back memories of the scarf Brian had bought for himself, the one he'd
placed around Justin's neck at the school prom; the scarf that Brian had kept, even worn under his own clothing for
many weeks, despite having been soaked in Justin's blood.
Brian looked back at him. Over ten years had passed since then; a time that would never be forgotten and that would
bind them together forever.
Placing the scarf around his neck and taking a deep breath, Brian summoned up every ounce of courage he
possessed. He now reached into the nightstand drawer and took out a small box, which he handed to Justin.
“What’s this?” asked the blond.
“Open it”, and Brian wondered if Justin could hear his heart beating, it was pounding so hard.
Slowly, Justin opened the lid, unable to say a single word, such was the shock from what he discovered there and a
heavy silence hung in the room.
Suddenly filled with horror, Brian reached out to retrieve the box. “I’m …. I’m sorry”, he stammered. “This was a
bad idea. It’s too soon ….. I shouldn’t have taken anything for granted …....”.
Justin moved his hand away, preventing Brian from taking the box from him. “I thought you didn’t go in for this sort
of thing. You used to ridicule any mention……”.
Brian studied his hands before looking back at him and shrugged. “A lot of things used to be, Justin. Maybe I’ve had
time to re-evaluate what’s really important. A lot’s changed …… well for me it has, anyway. I mean, who’d have
thought I’d ever be a full-time Dad for one? I didn’t, that’s for sure, but if the truth were known, I’m loving every
minute of it”.
“You’re a good Dad, Brian ……. I always said you were”, Justin reminded him.
“Maybe”, said Brian. “But I never really expected things to turn out like they have.”
“None of us really know which direction our lives are gonna take us in. Just think, if I hadn’t chosen that particular
time on that night to go out on Liberty Avenue .…..” and Justin’s voice trailed off as he closed his eyes,
remembering how shit-scared he’d been that night; the night he’d first met Brian.
“I’m glad you did”, said Brian, quietly.
Justin looked at him. "You don't have to do this", he stated, earnestly and he meant it. Just to be here with Brian was
enough, he'd never expected this, even though he'd dreamed of it.
Brian looked into his eyes and saw the tears start to form. "I know I don't, but I want to", and he held his breath,
waiting for the blonde's reply.
Justin looked down at the contents of the box again. "Which one’s mine?” he asked softly and Brian pointed out the
item.
“Then I guess you’d better put it on me”.
Trying to prevent his hands from shaking, Brian removed the plain gold band from the box. Taking Justin’s left hand
in his own, he placed the band on Justin’s finger.
Without a word, Justin removed the second gold band. He repeated the process by taking Brian’s left hand and
placing the band on his finger.
The significance was not lost on Justin. For Brian, who’d once told him they were queers and queers didn’t do
marriage, to be prepared to openly show this level of commitment; to give him this symbol of a lifetime to be
shared, was a monumental step, a step neither of them were about to take lightly.
Still holding hands, Brian spoke. “Look, I don’t go in for fancy ceremonies or public declarations. This is just about
you and me. It doesn’t concern anyone else.”
“Except for Gus”, corrected Justin. “Except for Gus", accepted Brian, "and I know he’ll be just fine with it”, and he
wondered why it had taken him so long to get around to it. Why had he been so fucking scared all those years ago?
Just a few words, that’s all it would have taken. A few words and admitting to himself that Justin was all he wanted;
that the tricks were a pale imitation of the real thing. No apologies, no regrets, right? Well, maybe just a few.
Justin touched the ring on his finger. It felt good and he smiled to himself. Brian still had no idea about the radio
show and neither he nor Gus had mentioned it. But a good proportion of Pittsburgh had heard Brian speak of Justin
that night. It wouldn’t take long before the whole of Liberty Avenue and beyond got to hear that Brian Kinney was,
at last, with or without the formalities, a married man.
Brian picked up the glasses and handed them to Justin to hold whilst he popped the cork and poured out the
Champagne; they could hear the fireworks now going off all around the neighbourhood.
“What do you think about us contacting your Mother and getting her to find us a new house ….. a real family
home?” asked Brian.
“You don’t want to stay here?” asked Justin.
“No. I’ll sell the house and put the money into Gus’s trust fund. I think we all need a fresh start …… don’t you?”
Justin smiled at him. “Well, it would have to be in a nice area”.
“Sure”, agreed Brian.
“You would need an office that you can work from”, Justin added.
“And one with a big enough loft we can convert for you to have as a studio”, offered Brian.
“It’ll have to have a nice garden”, said Justin.
“That’s for sure, so that Gus has plenty of space to kick a football around. Oh, and a tree …. there’ll have to be room
enough so we can plant a tree”, said Brian.
Moving even closer together, they linked arms in order to share a kiss, make a toast and drink the Champagne. “To
the future ….. Together.”
“Happy New Year, Brian”, whispered Justin and he smiled at him with one of his heart-stopping Sunshine smiles.
“Happy New Year, Justin”, smiled Brian, taking off the scarf and placing it around the blond’s neck; pulling him
towards him for yet another kiss.
The End
Putting Down Roots
Following tragic circumstances, Brian is now raising his ten year old son, Gus.
After finding each other again after almost ten years apart, Brian and Justin start a new chapter of their lives
as partners: a committed couple.
How easily do they come to terms with their new situation?
Can memories of the past ever be erased and what does the future hold for them?
~~~~~
Sequel to Home Run and prequel to What's In A Name?
Chapter One:
How do you turn back the clock and start again? How do you forget the pain of parting? The pain that seems so real,
even now, after all these years: pain that never really ever goes away, no matter how hard you try, but instead is
always there as a reminder of what might have been, if only you’d had the courage?
One way to cope with the pain; the mind-numbing heartache, would be to pretend it never really happened at all and
that it was just a bad dream. And that your heart didn’t break into a million pieces as you hid behind the mask so that
he couldn’t see your face as you watched him walk away with another. Someone who offered him everything you
couldn’t; were too afraid to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The holiday season was over. That time of make believe and hopes and dreams for the future giving way to the
realization that at the start of each new year, when you make those promises to yourself that things will be better,
that in the end, nothing much ever really changes.
Or do things stay the same because there’s no real reason to change? Because everything is comfortable and
predictable the way it is and you like it that way. And that you’re scared to rock the boat; to risk putting yourself
through something that might hurt you and Brian, now faced with a future he’d never dared hope for, had to admit to
himself that he was scared.
They’d talked and talked for hours. After the euphoria of finding each other; discovering each other again, had
surrendered to reality in the cold harsh light of day.
“You do know what you’re taking on?” asked Brian. “It’s not just me … I have a son to consider.”
“I know,” answered Justin. “He’s a great kid, Brian and we seem to get on really well.”
“It’s just …” “What?”
“He’s already lost two parents and if we’re together and you get close and …”
“And what? I walk out again … or you kick me out?”
It was 2:00 in the morning and Gus had been in bed for hours, leaving Brian and Justin sitting opposite each other in
the living room of what had once been Lindz and Mel’s house in Pittsburgh, but had been Brian and Gus’ home
since the tragic auto accident all those months before.
Brian was sitting on the sofa, an empty glass in his hand and even though he wanted it, he daren’t risk another drink
as he wanted to try and keep a clear head as best he could and he rubbed his eyes. Christ. He was exhausted. This
was exhausting.
Justin was sitting on the edge of the chair, watching the older man. And, for the very first time, did he now begin to
understand the consequences of his actions and just how much pain he’d caused Brian when he’d left with Ethan
during the Rage party in what seemed a life time ago. Pain that could still be clearly seen in those beautiful, but
tired, hazel eyes. If only Brian could have said the words then that he’d said to him these past ten days.
“Have I told you today that I love you?” Brian would ask him at some stage during the day and Justin would lean in
to him and say: “Yes, but say it again anyway,” and Brian would smile and put his arms around the younger man’s
waist and bring him in for a kiss. Eyes shining and apologizing at the same time. Apologizing for all those times he
should have said those words but never did. For all the times he kept Justin at arms length, believing himself to be
incapable of ever being able to love someone; anyone. Doubting he was good enough for anyone to love him in
return.
But suddenly the words didn’t scare Brian any more. Words that Justin thought he’d never hear, at least not from
him. Words that had driven the blond into the arms of another man. A man who promised him everything, but in the
end gave him nothing but empty gestures. Words Brian believed he’d never have the courage to say.
“Brian, if you’ve got doubts about me … us … this early … then what’s the point of even talking about having a
future together?” and Justin got up out of the chair and sat beside him on the sofa.
“I haven’t got doubts about you … not really,” admitted Brian and he sighed. “It’s me I’m not so sure about. I’ve
never really lived with anyone before, Justin … apart from Gus. I’m not good at the sharing stuff … you know,” and
he looked down into his empty glass and Justin reached out and put his hand under Brian’s chin and turned his face
towards him.
“We’ll be okay. We just have to keep talking … be honest with each other about how we feel … and no secrets,”
and he lent forward and kissed Brian lightly on the lips.
Brian smiled and took the younger man’s hand in his; Justin’s left hand with the wedding band on the third finger.
The wedding band he’d placed there and that matched his own and he ran his finger over the metal.
“Do you regret you did that?” asked Justin. “Giving me this so soon?” but Brian shook his head and squeezed
Justin’s hand. “No, I don’t. I’m just sorry I took so long to get around to it.”
“But you’re right … we can do this … and I do love you,” he said softly, gazing into those same beautiful blue eyes
that had entranced him ten years before.
“And I love you,” whispered Justin in return.
Going up to bed, still holding hands, gone was the need to devour each other at every opportunity. The sex was still
hot and frequent, but it was more than just physical. It was satisfying and comforting and made them feel complete.
It reached them on a level neither of them had ever known with anyone else. Certainly not Brian, and not even
Justin, who’d lived with men he’d assumed at the outset of their relationship, would be his partner forever.
Now it was just as pleasurable to undress and lay next to someone. Holding them and knowing that sex wasn’t the
only reason they were in bed together and that drifting off to sleep in each other’s arms brought total contentment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They’d been in hiding for as long as they thought they could get away with it. But now Gus was back at school after
the holidays and things were returning to normal after all the festivities and Brian and Justin realized it was time for
them to face their family and friends.
“Are you ready for this?” asked Brian, looking back over his shoulder to the younger man standing behind him.
“Do we really have to do this … now?” asked Justin and he pulled his scarf around his neck more snugly and turned
the collar of his new heavy winter coat up against the chill. When Justin had arrived in New York to find Brian, he’d
had nothing with him to keep out the winter’s cold, having lived in California for many years and one of the first
things they’d done together, was to go out shopping for suitable clothing and he now shoved his gloved hands deep
into his pockets and looked around him, taking in the scene he’d once known so well.
“The sooner we get it over with, the better … Okay?”
“I guess ,” came the sighed response and Justin wrinkled his nose and for a moment, Brian saw the 17 year old kid
he’d been when they’d first met and he smiled and lent towards him to give him a quick kiss of encouragement.
Brian wasn’t particularly looking forward to this himself and he took a deep breath and pulled open the door.
The Liberty Diner hadn’t really changed very much in all the years since Brian had first started going there, with its
brightly painted walls and the jukebox playing at full blast.
It was a few days into the new year and the place was packed and Brian scanned the room for any recognizable
faces. He groaned. All the old gang was here. Well almost all, but at least it got it over with once and for all.
“Hi Debbie … happy New Year,” said Brian and the redhead behind the counter looked over at him. Another feature
of the diner that hadn’t changed; the colorfully dressed woman, now in middle-age, who’d been more like a mother
to him than his own.
“Don’t you happy-new-year me, Brian Kinney,” Debbie answered, wagging her finger at him. “I called you on
Christmas Day and at New Year and you never returned either call.”
“Sorry Debs”, apologized Brian. “I was kinda busy,” and Debbie put down the coffee pot she was holding and
walked around the counter to meet him and at last she broke into a broad smile. “Well, it’s good to see you Brian
and that’s for sure,” and she hugged him. “Did you and Gus have a good time in New York?”
“We had a great time … I really feel I’m getting to know him at last. I’m just sorry it took me such a long time to
get around to it,” and Debbie nodded her understanding. “And it’ll only get better … just you wait and see,” she told
him.
Michael, Ben, Emmett and Ted were sitting in the corner booth and at the sound of Brian’s voice had turned to face
him. “Hi Brian.” “Good to see you, Brian.” “Happy New Year, Brian,” came the chorus of voices and their greetings
were returned.
Unobtrusively, Brian had put his hand behind his back and the younger man, standing as close as he could behind
him, trying to hide in the crowd, had taken the offered hand and only now did Debbie notice the figure hidden
behind Brian’s frame; the man hunkered down into his coat, scarf up around his ears.
“Who’s that hiding … SUNSHINE?” “Hi Debbie,” smiled Justin, wincing at the nickname bestowed upon him
when he was just a kid and he lowered his shoulders and turned down his collar and unwound his scarf as Debbie
took him in a bear hug.
“I don’t fucking believe this … what are you doing here?” and she looked from Justin to Brian and back again and
saw the look that passed between them.
“NO!” “Yes,” returned Brian quietly. “Well about fucking time …” and she pulled Justin to her again and kissed
him before turning to Brian and she patted his arm and he bent down to kiss her. Debbie picked up the corner of her
apron and wiped the tear from her eye as Brian put his arm around her shoulders.
“I’m okay,” she insisted. “Just got something in my eye,” and she waved him away before returning to the other side
of the counter. “Coffees are on me,” she stated and grabbed the coffee pot as Brian and Justin took the last two
vacant stools.
Now out of the cold, the two men undid their coats and removed their gloves before picking up their steaming coffee
cups: an action that was halted by Debbie’s screams.
“Bands? You’re wearing bands? Did you two get fucking married and not even tell us?” demanded Debbie as she
grabbed Brian’s hand. “Well as I live and breathe … I never thought I’d ever see Brian Kinney wearing a fucking
wedding band,” and Brian smiled sheepishly. “Calm down Deb’s … we’re not officially married or anything.”
“Not yet,” added Justin. “But I’m working on it,” and he grinned at Brian over his coffee cup as Brian pulled a face
at him.
Michael looked down into his own coffee cup and Ben couldn’t fail to see the look on his face. He knew what
Michael was thinking; the embers had never been fully extinguished and Ben slid out of the booth and approached
the two men at the counter and he slapped them both on the back. “That’s great news, you two,” and he shook hands
with Brian and then with Justin.
Brian looked over his shoulder as both Emmett and Teddy left their seats and approached them, both offering their
hands and then hugging them in congratulations and now leaving Michael sitting on his own.
Looking over at him, Michael glanced across and, for just a few seconds, their eyes met and Brian smiled before
Michael looked away. Brian rubbed his jaw and, leaving the gang talking to Justin, he then got off the stool and slid
into the seat opposite his old friend.
“Be happy for me, Mikey,” said Brian softly and Michael shook his head. “I’d like to Brian … really I would … but
…”
“But what?” asked Brian.
“Well, do you really think this is such a good idea … to try and put the clock back and start over? What makes you
think it’ll be any different this time around?”
“I’m different,” replied Brian.
“And is he?” asked Michael and he lent across the table towards him, keeping his voice low.
“Christ Bri … I can remember, even if you can’t … what those weeks were like when Justin first left … all the
drugs … the booze … the guys. Dragging me off to god knows where just so you didn’t have to be alone. What
happens when he leaves next time?”
“There won’t be a next time, Mikey,” said Brian. “I’m not the same person I was back then … I’ve grown up a lot
… I’ve had to … starting up my own business and then losing Lindsay and raising Gus. I want different things now
and if I have the chance to make this work with Justin, then I’ve just gotta try and I’m gonna make it work,” and
he’d hoped Mikey would wish him well, but his friend was now really starting to anger and disappoint him.
Michael had never liked Justin. Brian always knew that and blamed himself. He’d been a little too accommodating
in the past: too easy to go along with the notion Michael had held on to for so long. That they would end up as two
old queens living in Palm Springs.
Their friendship had been deep-rooted and strong. Two young gay kids facing the world and the world could all go
fuck themselves. Trouble was Michael always believed it was more than friendship and Brian had been quite content
to let him.
And why not? If Michael wanted to hang on his every word and hero-worship him; Brian the soccer star and
protector from the usual school bullies, making Brian feel better about himself, so what? And, in return, Michael’s
home had been a safe refuge for Brian. Away from his father’s filthy temper and frequent beatings.
If Mikey was always going to be there whenever Brian needed a shoulder to cry on, be his crutch and admiring his
stud status and leaving Brian using other guys purely for sex, why would Brian ever feel the need for someone who
could provide the whole package; physical satisfaction, emotional support and unconditional love. Someone like
Justin.
Even after Michael had moved in with David and then with Ben, there’d always been the pull back to Brian and,
even now, Brian would only have to say the word.
“You don’t know what its been like for me,” continued Brian. “Raising Gus on my own. There were some days
when if it hadn’t been for him …”
“If you’re lonely,” interrupted Michael. “Go buy a dog,” and he slammed his cup back in his saucer.
Brian took a deep breath and moved even closer to Michael across the table, keeping his own voice low as he didn’t
want Justin to hear him.
“Yes, okay … I admit … I’ve been pretty lonely at times. Don’t you think that … that when Gus scored the winning
goal for his school soccer team, I would have loved someone to share that with? Or … or when we were in New
York and I taught him how to skate …”
“So Gus was right after all,” said Michael, referring to how the boy had spoken about his father on the radio. Brian
had changed.
“What do you mean?” asked Brian.
“Nothing” said Michael and he shook his head, debating whether this was the right time to tell Brian how he’d bared
his soul on late night radio.
“But it’s more than just being lonely, Mikey. I love Justin … I always have. I was just too dumb to admit it. But now
I have a second chance … I’m not gonna blow it.”
And Michael looked at him and saw the look in Brian’s face and knew that it was over. Whatever he felt about
Brian, there would never be anything between them other than friendship. And though it was a true friendship: one
they both could rely on and that would last forever, it was time to let go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I still can’t get my head around this,” smiled Debbie to Justin. “Yep,” added Ben. “This has got to be the most
historic reunification since Germany,” and the gang all laughed.
“I still can’t believe it either,” admitted Justin, putting down his cup. “Christmas Eve morning I was still in L.A. …
but I just knew I had to get to Brian. It’s all pretty complicated and I still don’t know how I did it, but … with a little
help from Gus … I caught up with them in New York. I knew Brian had promised to take him to the Empire State
Building on Christmas Eve and I just took a chance … and there he was. I guess I’d never really given up hope.”
“Gus huh?” and Debbie frowned: her mind working overtime.
“Do you ever catch that late night radio show? Mmm … what’s it called now?” she asked and she looked at the gang
for help.
“You mean True Love on Radio Pride FM … the one with Dr. Leo Franklin?” asked Emmett, leaning on the
counter, propping his chin on the palm of his hand and he tilted his head and grinned.
“NO … you heard it too?” asked Justin and it suddenly hit him. The whole city: hell no the whole damn country had
heard Gus and then Brian over the air and he quickly looked around at Brian and then turned back to the gang.
“Brian doesn’t have a clue about that and I’m not really sure I wanna tell him.”
“It’s going to be mighty difficult keeping something like that from him in this town,” chuckled Ted and Justin
looked over his shoulder again. That’d be right, especially with friends like Michael.
Justin watched them from the counter and he could see Brian’s jaw tighten as the two old friends talked. He knew
what Michael was doing; what he’d always done. Trying to drive a wedge between them. But not this time. This
time Justin was older, wiser. Michael was Brian’s friend. He knew that and would never try to come between that
friendship. But Brian was HIS lover, HIS partner. Not Michael’s.
Sadly, Brian knew he was unlikely to hear the words of congratulation and good luck from his oldest friend and it
pained him to think Michael wouldn’t give them his blessing and Brian sighed, got up and returned to Justin at the
counter and put his arm around the younger man’s waist. An action not lost on either Michael or Justin.
But none of them had noticed the increased buzz of voices since the two men had entered the diner or realized just
how many cell phones were now being used as the word went out. Brian Kinney: former stud of Liberty Avenue was
back in town and sporting a wedding band. A married man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They’d talked to the gang; Michael joining in for politeness and to please his mother, for over an hour before Brian
looked at his watch. Time was slipping by and there was still somewhere else they had to go before being back
home to meet Gus when he came back from his first day of school since the holidays and no doubt relating to his
class mates all he’d done whilst on vacation with his dad in New York.
“You must all come over for dinner on Sunday,” invited Debbie, but Justin shook his head.
“Love to Debs, but I’m not gonna be around,” and Brian put an arm around the blond’s shoulders.
“What do you mean? You just got here,” she asked and Justin sighed.
“I have to go back to my job in L.A. … that and get my stuff shipped back. I just walked away from everything … I
wasn’t really thinking what I was doing, but I have commitments. By boss was pretty pissed at me …”
“Especially after offering him a promotion,” put in Brian and Justin nodded and continued. “So I really think I
should go back and work out my notice … give him a chance to get a replacement. He’s been really good to me … it
was shitty of me to just go like that with no explanation … and … I was living with someone …” and he looked at
Brian, who tried to smile.
“Oh …” said Debbie and raised her eyebrows. “That’s a bitch,” and she looked at Brian, who was trying to look
unconcerned.
Brian understood commitment, and also accepted that Justin had to return and face Tim and work out his notice. But
it was going to hurt like hell to be parted from Justin so soon after they’d found each other again.
So, Brian promised Debbie that he and Gus would be over for dinner at the weekend and then he and Justin said
their goodbyes with hugs and kisses and Deb whispered in Brian’s ear. “I’m glad you’re done running away from
love,” and she patted his cheek and smiled and the boys left.
Heading back out into the cold, Brian took Justin’s hand as they made for the car. They had one more visit to make.
One where Brian wasn’t sure of the kind of welcome he would get.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jennifer Taylor had an office in her home, from where she worked as a realtor, the occupation she took up since her
divorce from Justin’s dad. Craig had never supported his son, refusing to pay for his education once Justin had
decided he wanted to study art rather than gain a business degree: after Craig had discovered he had a faggot for a
son.
“JUSTIN!” “Hello, mom,” and his mother hugged him tightly on the doorstep. “This is wonderful. Why didn’t you
tell me you were going to be coming home? Molly will be so pleased to see you …. Oh, Brian.” “Hello, Jennifer”.
Shocked, Jennifer had suddenly recognized the man standing behind her son; the man she’d assumed Justin had got
out of his system a long time ago and she wondered why they were both now here, together. Surely Justin hadn’t
intended starting up their relationship again.
They moved into the living room and then Jennifer went into the kitchen to put on some coffee and Justin followed
her out.
“Justin … what’s going on?” she asked him as she put the cups and saucers on the tray.
“We’re back together, mom … we’re going to give it another go … have a real relationship.”
Oh, Justin … I don’t believe this. After everything that man put you through before,” and she turned to face him. “I
do know about his reputation, you know … all the men he had … how he broke your heart.”
“No, mom. I broke his heart. I never realized what he was telling me all along … everything he did for me after …
well, you know.”
“Ethan told me everything I wanted to hear, but in the end it meant nothing. He was the one that made me promises
… promises he couldn’t keep. Brian promised me nothing … that way he never had to lie to me. I love him … mom
and he loves me.”
“Does he? Can you be sure of that?” Jennifer asked him.
“Yes, he can,” came the answer from the doorway and Jennifer closed her eyes briefly before turning to face him.
“Brian … I didn’t see you standing there”, and Brian moved into the kitchen and went to stand by Justin, taking his
hand.
“I love Justin and I want this as much as he does,” and Brian couldn’t help but notice the look of surprise on
Jennifer’s face as she heard him say the words.
And she saw how the two of them stood, side-by-side and with Justin leaning into Brian and she thought of another
time when she and Brian had had a conversation whilst he was standing in a kitchen: his kitchen at the loft.
After the bashing, when Justin was rejecting everyone, having nightmares and rages, she’d gone to Brian and asked
him to take her son and return him to the person he’d been before, even though she’d told him to stay away from the
hospital, only to find out later that he’d been going there each night, watching Justin sleep.
And when he’d told her, right outside their home, that he cared for her son, she’d asked him again to stay away and
he’d left and she could see how much it had hurt him to agree never to see Justin again.
But when all else failed and she could no longer cope, Jennifer had gone to Brian at his loft and asked him to help
heal her son. With no thought of Brian’s feelings of having been rejected. After blaming him for the bashing and
telling him he’d be no good for Justin, only to ask him to rescue Justin from his demons. The one person she knew
her son would trust.
And now she saw the glint of metal on Justin’s hand and on Brian’s hand too and recognized the look of love in both
men’s eyes. How Brian had changed in the years since they first met: since she saw him with his arms around her
son at the Gay and Lesbian Center. The older man with her baby boy. The man that would only break her son’s
heart, but also the only man who could put him back together again. And for that, Jennifer would always be grateful.
Taking their coffee back into the living room and watching them sit together on the sofa, their body language only
too plain to see and illustrating how comfortable they were together, Jennifer realized that Brian was the only man
who would ever make Justin really happy and she prayed that Brian realized that he held her son’s heart in his
hands.
They talked about their plans and how they wanted to find a new house in order to start afresh and Jennifer took
down the details of the sort of property Brian and Justin were looking for and promised she would see what she
could do. But she was saddened to hear that Justin was going to have to return to L.A. for a month to work out his
notice. At least after he’d done that, she would have him back in Pittsburgh and close by, just in case she had to pick
up the pieces.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Christ, I hate this bathroom,” declared Brian back at the house. “Whatever house we get, it’s gonna have to have a
really big shower.”
Lindz and Mel’s house was very traditional with a traditional bathroom and the only shower was over the bathtub;
room enough for one only, no matter how hard you clung on. And it was from the tub that Justin now smiled up at
him as Brian sat down on its edge and dressed in just his robe.
“I like the tub,” stated Justin. “Then I guess we’ll just have to have both,” answered Brian.
Justin had packed the few belongings he’d brought with him from L.A. and was trying to relax before his last night
with Brian. Before his departure.
“What time’s your flight tomorrow?” Brian asked him. “1.30,” answered Justin, quietly.
“Mmm, enough time to laze in bed for a while before we have to get you to the airport,” and Brian lent down to kiss
him, determined not to let Justin see just how much his heart ached at his leaving.
Their last few days together had flown by all too quickly with Brian and Justin spending every moment together that
they could, with Brian making arrangements that meant he didn’t have to return to the office until after Justin had
left.
Justin and Gus were growing closer and Brian enjoyed watching their interaction: whether it was deciding what to
watch on TV, who was winning at scrabble or when they’d taken a soccer ball to the park for a kick-about. Brian
wasn’t the only Kinney male who’d miss having Justin around and Gus had given Justin a big hug before leaving for
a sleep-over at a friend’s, allowing Brian and Justin this last night in private.
And Brian’s lingering kiss left Justin in no doubt just how much he’d be missed, but there was no way the older man
wanted him to feel guilty at having to leave. They didn’t have to say as much to know just how badly they would
miss each other.
“Wanna play find the soap?” asked Brian, grinning and his hands now began to roam the younger man’s body under
the water. The blond sighed and lay back as Brian’s hand encircled Justin’s cock and he stroked him: eliciting a
whimper from him as he savored the older man’s touch and Brian increased the pressure, pulling on him now and
quickening the tempo.
Eyes closed and engulfed in the warm water, Justin thought he must be in heaven and Brian watched the pleasure so
evident in the beautiful, pale face as he brought Justin to climax; leaning in to cover Justin’s mouth with his own and
swallowing the low moan exhaled by the blond as he did so.
After the kiss had reached its natural conclusion, Justin sighed and opened his eyes. Brian’s face was just an inch
away, his hazel eyes twinkling and the blond grinned and caught him by the shoulder suddenly and pulled Brian in
and sending a wave of water over the side of the bathtub and onto the floor. And he held him tightly as they kissed
again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Shit … I hate goodbye’s,” declared Brian, as he placed Justin’s rucksack by the front door.
“That’s why we’re not gonna do any,” stated Justin as the horn sounded from outside the house and he moved in
close.
“I can’t believe you won’t let me take you to the airport …” but Brian was cut off as Justin reached up and pulled
him down for a kiss.
Last night, after they’d dried each other off and cleaned up the bathroom, they’d made love in the bedroom and had
taken quick, individual showers before eventually falling asleep in each other’s arms.
And now, standing in the hallway, Brian’s heart was pounding as his tongue entered Justin’s warm, inviting mouth.
How he’d been dreading this moment; having him leave so soon and he fought to keep his emotions under control.
This wasn’t the time to fall apart and they hugged.
Justin could feel Brian shaking and had trouble controlling his own feelings. He’d waited years to be back with
Brian, never believing it could be possible that Brian truly loved him. But everything about the man screamed at him
as to the depth of the love he felt.
Justin pulled away. “I love you,” he whispered and Brian whispered back. “Me too … always have … ” and he
caught his breath, unable to complete his sentence.
The cab horn sounded again and Justin choked back the tears and his voice was breaking as he spoke. “I’ll call you
from L.A. The time will go sooner than you think … you wait,” and he picked up his rucksack and turned away.
He could barely put one foot in front of the other as he made his way to the cab and opened the door and got in. The
car pulled away and Justin turned to wave at Brian standing in the open doorway and Brian waved back.
Now they’d found each other after all these years, the next month apart would seem like a lifetime.
-oOo-
Chapter Two:
Justin had phoned Dan and Peter, the good friends he’d made in Venice and though they’d been shocked at the way
he’d left Tim high and dry, they agreed to offer him a place to stay while he worked through his notice and sorted
himself out.
He wasn’t looking forward to facing Tim after just walking out on him in the early hours of Christmas Eve and Dan
had offered to go with him whilst he packed up his gear, but Justin declined. He owed it to Tim to front up on his
own and try and explain his actions.
There’d been a hefty parking fee from the airport where Justin had left his car, something else he hadn’t taken into
consideration when he began his insane mission to find Brian and it had taken a couple of turns for the engine to
start up, but once it did he then made his way to Venice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin turned the key over in his hand, but it didn’t seem right to use it. He knew Tim was in, his car was parked in
the street and it took a couple of attempts at knocking before the door was finally opened.
“Well, look who’s just blown in,” was the greeting and Justin could see the hostility in Tim’s face, but the man
stood back to let him pass and then closed the door and followed him into the living room.
“Would you mind telling me what that was all about and why you ran out on me … on Christmas Eve of all the days
you could choose and didn’t even bother to phone … did you even stop to consider that I might be worried about
you?” yelled Tim, but before Justin could answer him, Tim continued.
“Great fucking holidays I had … turning up at my sister’s on my own. Everyone was asking what happened to you,
but what could I tell them? I didn’t know what the hell was going on … you suddenly said you were going to New
York and that was it …”
Suddenly Tim stopped and looked at Justin. He’d seen him wince at his tone and could see how tired and upset the
blond was at his outburst and unable to look him in the face and Tim softened and he moved towards him.
“I’m sorry Justin … it’s just … I thought we were doing okay … you and me. It was such a shock when you said
you were leaving … I just got angry …” and he took Justin’s hand.
“What did I do? How can I put it right?” and finally Justin looked up at him and he could see the confusion and pain
in Tim’s eyes and the rush of guilt at just walking out without any explanation was suddenly overwhelming.
“It isn’t you Tim … really it isn’t. It’s just … “ and he pulled his hand away from Tim’s and turned his back.
“Years ago, when I was a kid … I was in love with someone. Well, to be truthful, I’ve always been in love with him
… but things didn’t work out between us back then.”
“But then I found out … well, hoped … that he still had feelings for me and I just had to find out if that was true. I’d
heard he was going to be in New York over Christmas and I just had to go to him and find out if there was a chance
we could try again …”
“You left on a whim?” asked Tim in disbelief. “Without even knowing for sure if this guy still loved you?”
“And what would you have done if he knocked you back … come running home to me … the consolation prize?”
And Justin realized just how dumb and selfish this whole thing must sound and he turned to face him. “I know this
sounds crazy, but I found out that he does love me … that he’s always loved me and we’ve decided to give things
another go.”
“I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, Tim … really I am … but I just have to do this. I have to know whether we can make it this
time.”
“I can’t get you to change your mind?” Tim asked him and Justin shook his head. “I’ve come back to try and explain
things to you and pack up my stuff to get it shipped to Pittsburgh.”
“Pittsburgh … your hometown?” and Justin nodded.
“Well, now you’re here, where are you staying?”
“I’m staying at Dan and Peter’s while I work through my notice. Don’t get mad at them … they’re not taking sides
or anything and I think they’re pretty pissed at me for just walking out on you like that … but they are my friends
too,” and Justin put his hand on Tim’s arm.
Tim wasn’t totally to blame for their break-up and Justin had begun to feel restless before he even thought seriously
about trying to get back with Brian. Tim had been trying hard to make a go of things, but had never really accepted
Justin’s work and almost resented his achievements, believing his own career was mediocre by comparison.
And Justin knew that any future success on his part would only sour their relationship further. The last thing he
wanted to do was remain in a relationship where he would end up hating Tim for holding him back and not allowing
him to fulfill his full potential. Something that Brian would never do, and it was quite likely that Justin would have
left Tim anyway, in time.
Moving into the bedroom, Justin started to pack up his things. “At least you didn’t throw my stuff out,” he said,
opening up the closet.
“Thought about it,” answered Tim. “But I guessed you’d have to get in touch sooner or later … all your art stuff and
your computer is here and I know how much it all means to you.” More than you’ll ever know, thought Justin,
remembering the struggle it had been to carry on after the bashing left him so despairing. When if it hadn’t been for
Brian, he would have given up his dreams.
Tim started to help Justin collect his things together, but in the end it all got too much for him and he couldn’t stay
and watch whilst Justin divided up their joint possessions from what had been their life together.
Uncomfortably, they exchanged their final Christmas gifts and even managed a laugh when they realized what they
had done. They’d bought each other the same gift; a watch. Expensive ones at that and whilst Tim presented him
with a beautifully wrapped package, Justin retrieved Tim’s gift from his dresser.
“I didn’t get around to wrapping it … I’m sorry,” he said, as he handed Tim the box and hesitating at first, they then
moved towards each other and hugged.
They kissed: no longer as lovers, but as two people who had once cared about each other and who were now saying
goodbye.
“Be happy, Justin,” Tim told him. “You too,” whispered Justin in return and Tim took his gift and left.
Justin took his suitcase from where it was stored and packed up a lot of his clothes and things he would need straight
away. Going back to his car, he took out his cell phone and used the speed dial: #1.
“Hi, it’s me.”
“Are you okay? How’d he take it?” asked Brian and he could hear the barely disguised sadness in Justin’s voice.
“Mmm … better than I thought … in the end. But I still feel like a shit … just walking out on him like that …”
Brian closed his eyes; if anyone knew the pain of someone leaving it was him.
“Well, it’s done now,” said Brian gently. “He’ll be okay ... don’t worry.”
But Brian’s words of reassurance didn’t lessen the feeling of guilt that Justin felt and he realized that in all of his
relationships, he was the one who’d walked away. Christ, he hoped he had more staying power now he and Brian
were trying to make a go of things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Over the next couple of days, making sure Tim wasn’t around, Justin packed up all his gear and took it to Dan and
Peter’s, from where he would then arrange for it to be shipped to Pittsburgh nearer the end of his notice period. He
took one final look around what had been his and Tim’s home and he left his key on the kitchen table before letting
himself out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While his boss hadn’t exactly been hostile towards him, Phil Mason was clearly disappointed at Justin’s decision not
only to turn down the offered promotion, but to leave the company altogether.
“Are you sure I can’t make you change your mind? I’ll make it worth your while,” said Phil, looking back at him
across his office to where Justin was sitting on the edge of his desk. Phil had walked over to the side table and
helped himself to coffee and poured one out for Justin, but Justin shook his head as he took the cup.
“No, Phil … I’m sorry to do this to you … I really am. It’s not you or the company … I’ve really enjoyed working
here and I’ve learned so much … it … it’s personal,” and Justin took a sip from his coffee cup.
“Personal huh?” asked Phil, walking back around his desk and sitting down. “I guess that means there’s a guy
involved,” and Justin smiled. He’d never kept his sexuality a secret from his boss, not that the subject had ever really
come up. Justin didn’t see why it had anything to do with his job or who he was and, thankfully, it seemed, neither
did Phil.
“Well, at least you had the decency to come back and work through your notice period. I could hardly have chased
you across the country and demanded you come back now, could I?” smiled Phil.
“I’ll contact the agency and start the ball rolling about getting your replacement. Perhaps you can help choose who it
should be.” “Sure, Phil … I’d be only too glad to,” and Justin finished his coffee and replaced his cup on the side
table before returning to his own office.
There were a few projects on the go. None quite as big as the one Justin struggled to finish just before Christmas,
but still enough work to keep him occupied, for which he was thankful. Anything to stop him missing Brian.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The weekend following Justin’s departure, Brian and Gus went to Debbie’s for dinner and the usual gang were
there. It was also their first opportunity to meet Marty, Debbie’s fiancé.
A widower a couple of years older than Debbie, he’d obviously struggled with the people that Deb called family, but
she’d reminded him; “You take me … you take the whole shebang”. And that was one of the things he loved about
her; her directness and not taking any bullshit from anyone. She clearly loved her son and would defend him and all
that she believed in from all comers. Something he recognized, having children of his own.
And, after all, he owned the Liberty Diner, one of several properties he’d bought as an investment. The gay
community made him money and he was principled enough to acknowledge that if their money was good enough,
he should at least attempt to get to know the people who spent it.
“You heard from Sunshine?” asked Debbie as they sat down to dinner and Brian nodded. “Yeah, he’s okay and he
said to say Hi … he’s staying with friends. At least his boss isn’t giving him a hard time … so that’s something.”
“What about the guy he was living with?” continued Debbie, passing him the big dish of potatoes.
“What? Justin was living with someone and he just dumped him to be with you … just like that?” asked Michael,
looking at Brian and Brian bit down on his lip to stop himself from jumping right in. He knew what Michael was
saying; if Justin could dump this other guy so easily to be with Brian, why did Brian think he wouldn’t do the same
thing to him; again.
Brian saw the look that Ben and Debbie gave Michael; the one that told him to keep his mouth shut and thankfully,
Michael took the hint and shoved a large forkful of potato in his mouth and kept his head down. Ben glanced at
Brian and Brian couldn’t help but think he’d been the topic of conversation in their house since he and Justin had
caught up with everyone at the diner.
“Justin knows what he did to Tim … and he’s not particularly proud of himself,” stated Brian. “But it was his
decision to leave him. If they’d been solid he wouldn’t even have thought about us getting back together again.”
“No point in staying together if he knew it wasn’t gonna work out.”
“But what I still haven’t really figured out is why he decided to get in touch with me now … after all this time,” said
Brian, looking down at his plate, missing the exchanged glances and suppressed grins that passed between the group
and Gus’ look of confusion at their reaction to his dad’s remark. Had Justin told them about the letter he wrote to
him?
Although it had never been mentioned, Gus had wondered whether his dad knew he’d written Justin a letter, telling
him about what they had planned to do whilst in New York and, after dinner, whilst Gus was helping to take the
dirty dishes to the kitchen, Debbie took him to one side and out of Brian’s view.
“Gus, honey … don’t you think there’s something you should be telling your dad?” she asked and she saw him bite
his lip and she had to suppress a grin; it was pure Brian.
“You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?” she continued. “Your dad wouldn’t like to think you were keeping
secrets from him now, would he?” and Gus shuffled his feet.
“Guess not,” he replied. “I should have told him I wrote to Justin, but I was just hoping he’d turn up and I couldn’t
believe it when he did.”
“You wrote to Justin?” asked Debbie. “Sure,” answered Gus. “Isn’t that what you’re talking about?”
“Well, no sweetie … it isn’t. I was talking about the radio show. We all heard you and then your dad … and so did
Justin.”
“Oh,” said Gus quietly. “Do you think he’ll be mad at me?” and Debbie smiled and patted his shoulder in
reassurance. “No kiddo, I don’t think he’ll be mad at you,” but she couldn’t help wondering that he might be a bit
pissed to find out that a certain blond had been keeping things from him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian noticed that his son was unusually quiet towards the end of the evening and on the car ride home, but decided
not to do anything about it until they were inside their own living room.
“Okay … out with it,” encouraged Brian gently and he took Gus over to the sofa and they both sat down, but the boy
remained silent.
“Look Gus … I promise you that if you tell me what’s going on I won’t get mad at you … okay?”
“Okay,” replied Gus and he took a deep breath.
“I should have told you ages ago, but I found the letter Justin wrote you after mom and mama died … when I was
looking through your desk for some paper for the printer … and I wrote back. I told him we were going to New
York and that you’d promised to take me to the Empire State Building on Christmas Eve.”
Brian smiled to himself. In the short time since their reunion, he’d only had a fleeting thought as to how Justin had
known exactly where they’d be on Christmas Eve. But his recollection of their initial meeting had been such a blur
he only had a vague memory of Justin saying he’d had a little help in finding him; now he knew what he meant.
“There’s something else, dad,” said Gus, before Brian had a chance to speak.
“You remember when we were in New York and you caught me on the phone talking to that guy?” “What … that
Dr. Franklin? Sure”, answered Brian and he narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “What about it?”
“Well, I … I’d phoned up a late night radio show … a gay radio show … called True Love. Dr. Franklin was the
show’s host,” and Brian closed his eyes and lent his head back against the cushions. Surely Gus couldn’t be telling
him what he thought he was.
“I … I thought you were lonely and wanted to know if there was anything I could do to help …” said Gus and he
looked down at his hands in his lap.
“It went out on the air,” said Gus quietly and he waited for his dad to speak.
For one of the very few times in his life, Brian was utterly speechless and he rubbed his face with his hands. Then he
looked at his son. “Who heard it?” asked Brian eventually.
Gus shrugged. “Everyone … I guess,” he answered. “I know Debbie and the guys heard it.”
Brian groaned; he hadn’t meant to and he saw the tears form behind his son’s eyes. But remembering how Gus had
been so concerned about him that night prevented Brian from being angry or even annoyed with him and he moved
closer and put his arm around Gus’ shoulders.
“It’s okay, Sonny-boy,” said Brian. “I’m not mad at you and I’m really pleased you told me … so don’t worry,” and
Brian saw the obvious relief in his son’s face.
“Go on, it’s time you were getting ready for bed … go and clean up. I’ll be up in a little while,” and Gus got up off
the sofa, but Brian caught his hand and the boy turned around to face him.
“Gus, you do know you shouldn’t keep secrets don’t you … no matter what anyone tells you?” “Yes, dad,”
answered Gus and he lent forward and father and son hugged. “Love you, dad.” “Love you too, Sonny-boy,”
answered Brian and the boy trotted off up to bed.
A little while later, Brian checked in on Gus to make sure he was okay. “Lights out in five … it’s school tomorrow.”
“Okay, dad,” answered Gus and Brian turned away, but then changed his mind and turned back.
“Gus, did Justin know … about the radio show I mean?”
“Well,” answered Gus. “He hasn’t told me … but … Debbie said he heard it.”
Brian nodded. “Okay,” he said softly. “Goodnight Gus.” “Goodnight, dad,” and Gus turned out his lamp as Brian
closed the door and stepped out into the hall.
So, for all the talk about not keeping secrets, things weren’t necessarily getting off on the right foot. But Brian
couldn’t really feel mad at either Gus or Justin, though a few years ago he would have gone ape.
After all, hadn’t their actions just gone to show how much they loved him? Still, he’d make the blond pay when he
got back and Brian grinned to himself. Oh yes, Justin would pay all right and Brian went to his own bedroom to
make his nightly call.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Given the time difference and their schedules, they knew it was useless to try and talk on the phone more than a
couple of times a day. But over the coming weeks apart, their day would always start with their Good Morning Talk,
when Justin would call Brian when he woke, around the time of Brian’s second cup of coffee and after the older
man had arrived in the office.
On a weekday, there was usually no other contact until the evening, but on the weekend it was different and they
talked more. Gus’ timetable usually kept Brian pretty busy at weekends. Long gone were the days when he worked
practically every hour that was sent, now delegating as much as he could to his employees and it was the evenings
and nighttimes that he missed the blond most. The bed sure seemed empty without him.
Justin especially always felt lonely at the weekend and missed Brian more and more as the weeks went on. Dan and
Peter were good friends and good company, but they were no substitute and Justin often felt in the way and would
take himself off to the movies or even put in a few more hours at work. The advertisement had gone out for his
replacement and he hoped it wouldn’t be too long before he could hand over his responsibilities. He couldn’t wait to
get back to Pittsburgh.
Today was Sunday and they’d had their usual Good Morning Talk and had then spoken on the phone before Brian
and Gus went to Deb’s for dinner and now was time for their Bedtime Talk. They came to like this time: this was the
best time of all and, despite the time factor, Bedtime Talk could go on for ages and took place anytime after about
9:00pm. for Justin and Brian still couldn’t believe how much they could actually find to talk about.
This was the time they told each other about their day: what they’d been doing and who they’d seen. Justin asked
about Gus often, something that made Brian love him even more; asking about his son without any prompting. And
tonight Justin had the feeling that Brian had wanted to ask him something specific but didn’t. Brian had been going
to, but had decided to save the piece of information he’d just received until the blond got back. And not for the first
time did Justin think about telling Brian about Gus’ letter and the radio show, but decided he should only do that
face to face.
So tonight was the same as previous nights, but Bedtime Talk wasn’t just about exchanging news however. Oh no.
After the usual conversation, each one waiting to see how long the other could hold out, one of them would
eventually give in. Tonight, it was Brian.
Brian: “Where exactly are you?” and he heard the blond chuckle.
Justin: “I’m in bed … where’dya think?” Brian nodded and grinned, even though there was no one else there to see
him.
Brian: “Are you wearing anything?”
Justin: “No … how about you?”
Brian: “You need to ask? Do you miss me?”
Justin: “Course I do.”
Brian: “How much?”
Justin: “That much.”
Brian: “That much, huh?”
Justin: “I can’t wait to come home … this is killing me.”
Brian: “I can’t wait to get you home … I have plans.”
Justin: “Yeah, what sort of plans?”
Brian: “The sort that involves me licking your entire body.” and Brian closed his eyes and lowered his voice.
“I’m gonna rim you until you think you’re gonna start climbing the walls and then flip you on your back and …
starting at your throat … I’m gonna lick down to your right nipple … which I’m gonna suck for like … oh at least
15 minutes before I move on to the other one … then … I’m gonna move on down over your belly …”
Justin changed hands, now holding his cell with his left and he licked the fingers of his right hand and traced Brian’s
intended route down his chest and belly. He closed his eyes and lent back his head. He groaned as Brian continued:
his hand moving to his groin.
Brian: “Then I’m gonna lick your balls … slowly … and then fuck your blond ass so hard your eyes’ll roll back in
your head and you won’t be able to walk for a week.”
Brian’s voice had become husky and breathless, his own right hand had moved to his cock as he imagined exactly
what he was going to do to Justin when he got him back in his bed and he moaned and heard Justin groan as both
men neared climax; Brian coming first with Justin not that far behind.
“Love you,” whispered Justin. “Me too,” answered Brian and they said goodnight and hung up.
Justin hugged his pillow as he fell asleep and Brian’s own slumber brought images of the smiling blond filling his
head as he drifted off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Brian are you sure this is what you want? Shouldn’t you wait for Justin?” asked Jennifer Taylor.
“Don’t worry, Jennifer … he’ll love it,” exclaimed Brian.
Jennifer had found several properties for Brian to look over, but nothing had come remotely close to what he had
envisaged would be the new Kinney-Taylor family home, until now.
Now he was standing in the living room of a large house on the outskirts of town and in a very nice area and
Jennifer read out the brochure.
Highly maintained home ... 2 lovely acres ... master bedroom … further 3 bedrooms … all en suite ... cathedral
ceilings … loft … large spacious oak cabinet kitchen with ceramic floor … spacious living and dining rooms with
hardwood floors and fire places … large basement ... laundry … air-conditioning … high efficient furnace …
humidifier … front and back porches … large patio with gas grill ... bricked sidewalks … 2-car garage …”
“Goodness, Brian … you could fit a whole army into this house. Are you sure you want something as big as this?”
and Brian took another turn around the room, trying to decide what would go where.
“Well, I want there to be room for Gus to have friends over without getting underfoot all the time and for Justin to
have Daphne come and visit. And then there’s Molly’s family … I don’t suppose it will be too long before she
makes you a Grandma and Justin an Uncle,” and he looked at her and grinned.
“Oh please, Brian … don’t remind me how quickly my children have grown up,” interrupted Jennifer and she passed
him the brochure.
“And did you see the loft? It already has large windows up there … it will make a wonderful studio for Justin. I can
make one of the bedrooms into an office so I can work from home more and the grounds are large so there’ll be
room enough for Gus to kick a soccer ball around … and we need a 2-car garage.”
“Besides … it’s an investment and I can afford it.”
“Well, okay … if you want to go ahead, I’ll get all the contracts drawn up.”
“Great … I wanna move in as soon as we can. And don’t forget what I said about what’s to go on the paperwork,”
Brian reminded her and Jennifer nodded and packed up her attaché case.
“Well, if you’ve seen enough …” “Yep,” answered Brian. “This’ll do just fine,” and Jennifer locked the house
behind them as they left and walked down to their cars.
“By the way, Brian … I think I’ve got buyers for Lindsay and Mel’s house … Oh sorry …”
“That’s okay, Jennifer … I still think of it as theirs, though in actual fact it’s really Gus’,” and he looked back at the
house.
“It’ll be good to start over … new house … new life,” and he looked at Jennifer and smiled and Jennifer smiled
back, surprising herself by thinking how easily Brian had slipped into the role of son-in-law.
“Oh” said Brian. “One other thing …”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next couple of weeks found Brian engaging interior designers for the new house; people who could also make
any alterations to the loft in order to utilize the space to its maximum potential for Justin. Even though Justin did
much of his work on the computer these days, he still liked to draw a little and Brian wanted him to have the best
studio possible and somewhere he could call his own space.
Brian had also started to look at possible furnishings and fabric samples. At last it felt good to have something to
spend his money on, rather than leave it accumulating where it wasn’t really doing very much. Ted, in his role as
accountant, was always trying to get Brian to invest his money and usually, there wasn’t much wrong with real
estate, so this should make him happy.
Brian had sat Gus down and told him of the planned move. Unfortunately, it would mean a change of schools, but
there were some really good schools not too far and the new house was big enough for Gus’ friends to come and
stay nights and weekends to help soften the blow. Besides, with Gus’ skill on the soccer field, he would soon find
his niche in any new school.
They had gone up into the loft and begun to sort through Lindsay and Mel’s possessions that Brian had packed away
after they’d died. There were tears, but plenty of laughs too as they sorted through various boxes; deciding what Gus
should keep and what could be disposed of.
And now it was almost time for Justin to return to Pittsburgh and Brian had to admit his stomach was doing
somersaults. Excited at the prospect of Justin’s return, but also more than just a little apprehensive. This was a big
step; a very big step for him, living with someone and being part of a couple and he hoped to God he could handle it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gus heard the key in the lock and looked nervously down the stairs. It was late and he’d been in his bedroom when
he thought he heard a noise downstairs and was relieved when he saw the blond head come around the door and he
rushed down to meet him. Brian had given Justin a key when he left; a key that Justin had accepted. An unspoken
commitment of his return.
“Justin!” exclaimed Gus, excitedly. “I thought you weren’t coming home until tomorrow.”
“I managed to get an earlier flight,” replied Justin and they hugged.
“Where’s your dad?” whispered Justin. “He’s in the bathroom,” whispered Gus in reply.
“You better go back to bed then Gus … and I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Okay … goodnight,” and the boy ran back upstairs to his room.
Quietly, Justin made his way upstairs and put his suitcase just inside Brian’s bedroom door. The rest of his gear had
arrived a couple of days before and was in boxes either in the dining room or in the garage.
He peeked around the bathroom door and grinned. Brian was laying in the bathtub, head back and eyes closed.
Quickly taking off his clothes, Justin threw them on the bedroom floor before he crept into the bathroom and quietly
closed the door behind him.
“Wanna play find the soap?” he asked leaning over the older man, his face just a few inches from Brian’s and Brian
opened his eyes.
“Sure … and after that we can listen to the radio. I understand there’s a pretty good show on this time of night …”
and the shocked expression on Justin’s face gave way to a grin as Brian suddenly grabbed him by the elbow and
hauled him into the bath.
“I was going to tell you,” assured Justin, lying in Brian’s arms after they’d kissed. “But I wasn’t sure how you’d
take it and never really found the right time. You’re not mad are you? I know I keep saying about not having secrets
…” and Brian’s put his hand under Justin’s chin and tilted his head upwards; his mouth closed over the blond’s
again. No, Brian wasn’t mad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Christ, Brian … it’s a fucking mansion!” exclaimed Justin as they pulled up on the driveway. Brian had told him
about the house and arranged to meet Jennifer there the following day and Jennifer had hugged her son and linked
arms with him as they walked through the doorway and into the hall.
“Come on,” said Brian, taking Justin by the hand. “You’ll love it,” and he led him away. But Jennifer had seen the
look on Justin’s face and wondered if this hadn’t been a big mistake on Brian’s part.
Jennifer hung back and let Brian take Justin on a tour of the house. Brian was obviously very enthusiastic and didn’t
notice how quiet Justin had become as he took him from room to room; showing him what a beautiful layout the
house had and told him how he’d talked to the designers and shared his thoughts on how they could furnish and
decorate it, and then he took him up to the loft.
Opening the door, Brian stepped ahead of Justin. “This will make a perfect studio for you and I’ve found people
who can do whatever alterations you want. It’s got terrific light up here already … but we can always put in extra
windows and you’ve got a great view and …” Brian turned round to see Justin put his hand up to his forehead and
frown.
“What’s wrong … are you okay?” and Justin shook his head.
“You decided where we should live … without even consulting me?” he asked quietly.
“This place must cost a fucking fortune, Brian … there’s no way I can contribute anything like a decent share of the
costs involved … but you went right ahead and signed the contracts … even employing designers and deciding what
furniture we should have … and how perfect this loft would be for me …”
“But I thought you’d like your own space … and if you don’t like the furniture I suggested we can look at something
else … and the money’s not important. Besides … it’s our money now … not just mine ...”
“No Brian … you earned it … it’s your money,” said Justin firmly and Brian sighed and closed his eyes.
He felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach. He’d fallen in love with the house and had just taken it for granted that
Justin would too and that the blond would go along with all his plans.
“I’m not very good at this am I?” he stated quietly. “Being part of a couple … sharing and thinking about what you
might want before just … just jumping in … taking over and making all the decisions,” and he moved towards Justin
and slipped his arms around the younger man’s waist.
“I’m sorry, Justin … but it’s a great house and I really think we could be happy here … but … well … if you’d
rather we looked for something else … I’ll get on to the lawyers …”
Justin rubbed Brian’s arm and looked up at him. “You’re treating me like an 18 year old who can’t make his own
decisions,” said Justin, quietly and he watched Brian’s face and he could see how crestfallen the man was that he
hadn’t appeared as enthusiastic as Brian had hoped, and he continued.
“But I’m an adult now Brian and quite capable of knowing what I want,” and Brian moved away from Justin and
went over to the window and lent against the wall and looked out into the garden.
Justin could see the older man had realized what he’d done in not considering him before steamrolling in and going
ahead with the purchase; without even giving him a chance to look at the house and Justin softened. It was a
beautiful house and he could see how much Brian loved it and he was trying so hard.
Brian had come a long way from the man he first knew and Justin wasn’t going to blow up at their first faltering
attempt at being partners. And it wasn’t as if he didn’t like the house because he did, but Brian had to realize he was
a grown man; entitled to his say.
Silently, Justin approached Brian from behind and put his arms around the man’s waist. “You’re right … it is a great
house and this will make a great studio … and do you promise you’ll let me make some contribution to the running
expenses?” asked Justin and Brian turned around to face him; putting his arms around the blond’s neck.
“Sure … anyway, with what you’ll be earning at Kinnetik … you’ll be able to afford it,” replied Brian and Justin
chuckled.
“How soon can we move in?” he asked and Brian grinned with relief. “Won’t be too long … come on … let’s go tell
your mother,” and he grabbed Justin by the hand and led him back downstairs.
“Well?” asked Jennifer, hesitantly and for a moment there was silence and then Justin grinned. “I love it,” and
Jennifer let out a huge sigh of relief and put her hand up to her heart. “Thank goodness. Well, the papers are just
about ready … I just need a couple more signatures …” and she produced the paperwork from her attaché case and
passed them to Brian who took out a pen and signed in the appropriate places.
Casually glancing over, Justin took Brian’s hand, which was still holding the contracts and he studied them; he’d
seen his own name in print.
“What’s this?” he asked, looking up at Brian. “You’ve got me named as co-owner …”
“Well, it is our house,” said Brian, but Justin shook his head. “But Brian … “
“No buts, Justin,” continued Brian and he glanced at Jennifer who, seeing their need for privacy, said she’d go and
wait in the dining room.
“Look Justin,” continued Brian. “This is OUR house … if anything should happen to me, then I need to know that
you and Gus will be okay.”
“I’ve made provision for Gus’ education and living expenses and the money from the sale of Mel and Lindz’ house
will go into his trust fund, which he’ll get when he’s 25 … but that’s a long way to go yet. I’m not badly off and if
anything happens before then, you’ll be fine … but Gus’ll be too young to handle it by himself, so I was hoping to
rely on you to make sure he’s looked after … okay?”
“Besides … a husband normally makes provision for his family … doesn’t he?” said Brian, moving up close and he
smiled at him. Justin fingered the gold band on his left hand.
“I guess so,” he said, smiling back at him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everything with both the purchase of the new house and the sale of Mel and Lindz’ house progressed smoothly, but
they decided that Justin wouldn’t take up his position at Kinnetik until after they’d moved into their new home.
With Justin’s eye for color and detail, together they refined the choices that Brian had originally made for
furnishings and Justin would oversee any re-decorating required. They had decided to keep just one or two nice
pieces of furniture from Mel and Lindz’ house and would sell the rest. They did have some nice china, which had
belonged to Mel’s family and Brian packed that up to keep safely for Gus. Otherwise, the rest of the furniture was
sold off and the proceeds given to the Gay and Lesbian Center.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian remembered he still had some stuff stored away that he hadn’t seen for years and that he now needed to
retrieve and Justin had offered to go with him.
“Are you sure?” asked Brian and Justin replied. “Yeah … why not?” but his heart sank as Brian pulled up outside
the converted warehouse on Trenton.
“You still own the loft?” asked Justin in surprise and Brian shook his head. “Not any more. I just completed the sale
… its been leased up until now, but the guy moved out so I decided it was time to let it go,” and he studied Justin’s
face for his reaction to where he’d been brought.
Brian had often wondered why it was he’d hung on to the loft. After all, he hadn’t needed to use it since moving to
New York or after he’d returned to Pittsburgh. But the ties to the place had been strong and, up ‘til now, proven
difficult to break.
“You wanna stay down here … or come up with me?” and Justin thought for a few moments before answering. “I’ll
come up with you.”
They took the lift and rode up in silence and by the time they’d reached the top floor Justin realized this was a
terrible mistake, but it was too late to change his mind.
Slowly, he followed Brian into the loft as the older man went over to the windows and pulled back the drapes,
letting in the light.
The furniture had been replaced since Justin’s last visit, but his memories hadn’t diminished and he stood in the
middle of the floor and closed his eyes; remembering the last time he’d been there.
It had been just after the Rage party where he’d left with Ethan and he’d gone back to the loft to collect his things,
having first made sure Brian wasn’t going to be around. But he‘d seen the man there at every turn.
The heartbreak he’d felt at the time, even though it was his decision to go, came back to him now in waves that
suddenly overtook him and Brian turned around at the sound of Justin’s sobbing.
“Justin? Oh shit … I knew I shouldn’t have brought you here … I’m sorry …” and he moved towards him, but
Justin moved away, wiping his tears with the back of his hand.
“I was such a fucking idiot … just leaving like that … I should have hung in there … “
“No … you weren’t the idiot,” corrected Brian. “If anyone was a fool … it was me. I should have told you how I felt
long before … instead … I came back here to find spaces on the shelves where your CD’s used to be and an empty
closet … and I thought I would die … just ‘cos I was too fucking dumb to say the words you needed to hear,” and he
caught Justin around the waist and pulled him around to face him.
Justin brushed Brian’s cheek with the back of his hand, hardly able to speak. “All those wasted years …” and he
closed his eyes.
Brian took hold of Justin’s hand and kissed his fingers. “There’s no point in looking back … opening up old
wounds. We’re together … it’s now and the future that counts … not the past.”
Drawing Justin in even closer and feeling him tremble, Brian tilted the blond’s face towards him.
“Hey, instead of bad memories of this place … how say we leave with some good ones?” and Brian lent down to
kiss him.
Now was the time to say goodbye to the past and embrace the future.
-oOo-
Chapter Three:
In the end, saying farewell to the loft had been easier than Brian had expected. There were times, and Lindsay had
once said as much, that he’d had more visitors than Disney World and if he’d charged his conquests a fee every time
one of them had entered the “fuck pad” as Jennifer Taylor had so eloquently described it when he’d asked her to find
a buyer; words that had sounded so incongruous coming from her lips, that Brian could quite possibly have retired
many years ago. But that part of his life was well behind him now.
Justin had conflicting memories of the loft: good, bad and good again. The loft was where he’d lost his virginity to
the man he was now helping load boxes into the trunk of his car. It was also the place where he’d said his goodbyes
to his life in Pittsburgh and his relationship with Brian, before he moved away with Ethan.
But now, having just made love on the rug in the living room, he’d smiled fondly as Brian had slid the heavy metal
door closed one last time: that part of their joint past had come to a conclusion and they could both move on.
“What the hell have you got in these?” asked Justin, as they’d struggled to make the boxes fit in the trunk of Brian’s
car.
“I’ll be damned if I know,” answered Brian as he tried to close the lid. “It’s been years since I checked to see what
was in these … but there’s no rush … we can unpack them when we get in the new house,” and only just managing
to get the trunk to close, they took the boxes back to Lindz’ and Mel’s house.
With both house deals having been finalized, they made arrangements for moving into the new house and the
interior designers were set to work. As the property was vacant, the previous owners having relocated overseas, they
could commence straight away and, under Justin’s supervision, the house was coming along nicely. There were no
real structural alterations, but Brian had the smallest bedroom converted into an office and the loft set up as a studio
for Justin, with just the finishing touches left to do; something that could be done once they’d moved in.
So basically it was down to them finalizing the color schemes and then ensuring the furnishings they had decided on
still complemented them and Brian was quite happy to allow Justin to take over these chores whilst he still went into
the office. Though he was quite happy to delegate his office duties where he could, he wasn’t ready to hand over the
reins altogether.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The day they were due to move had finally arrived and a bitterly cold day it was. Only taking a couple of pieces of
furniture with them, the rest being their personal possessions, it didn’t take long for the relocation company to load
everything on the van and it was time to say goodbye to Lindz’ and Mel’s house.
Justin had fond memories of this house, spending, as he had, several nights on Lindz’ and Mel’s sofa at a time when
he felt rejected by everyone; his father who wanted him to renounce his “disgusting lifestyle” and Brian, at a time
when he couldn’t or wouldn’t admit what Justin was beginning to mean to him.
Justin went on ahead in his newly purchased car, having sold his old one before flying back to Pittsburgh and he was
now on his way to supervise the unloading of the van. Brian and Gus waited behind for the people who were taking
the rest of the furniture for selling and the place was starting to feel eerie, as one by one the rooms were emptied.
Gus had officially left his old school and had met up with his friends for burgers and fries. He’d been presented with
a photograph of himself and the soccer team, with him holding the soccer ball, taken at the end of the game where
he’d scored the winning goal at a crucial stage in the schools’ soccer tournament.
And now, as Brian was doing a final check on the house, Gus by his side, echoes of times past started going around
in Brian’s head.
Like the time he’d sat at the dining table and refused to sign over his parental rights to his son, in the end only
relinquishing them when he realized both he and Mel were in danger of losing the people they loved; rights that had
passed back to him on Lindz’ and Mel’s death.
And now as Brian closed the front door, his arm around Gus’s shoulders, he had the overriding feeling of being
watched; could almost sense a presence. And he was left with the fleeting impression of two smiling faces waving
them both goodbye and wishing them well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arriving at their new home, Justin was directing operations with the last of the new furniture just arriving and Gus
ran ahead as Justin caught Brian’s hand as the man made to go in the house.
“Well,” said the blond, a twinkle in those blue eyes. “Aren’t you going to carry me over the threshold?”
Brian grinned. “What … and put my back out?” and, walking Justin backwards, quickly and into a corner of the
hallway and out of sight of anyone else, Brian stole a kiss.
Lost in each other, just for a moment, neither of them had seen the black Jaguar that had slowed to an almost stop:
the occupant watching the new residents of this prestigious home making their way inside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian allowed Gus a couple of days before starting his new school, but once he had, he seemed to be settling in
fairly well and had already tried out for the soccer team.
Justin was looking forward to shortly taking up his place at Kinnetik and now there were just a couple of boxes left
to be unpacked.
The boxes they’d brought from the loft had been placed in the garage and Justin was curious to know what Brian
had stored in them. He’d asked Brian did he want to start unpacking them, but the man said he didn’t really mind if
Justin wanted to instead and so this is what Justin had started to do. But he certainly wasn’t prepared for what he
found when he removed the contents.
“Oh my God,” said Justin softly to himself, as he unwrapped the soft cloth protecting the item that he found in one
of the boxes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gus had already eaten and was up in his room and doing his homework when Brian arrived back from work, later
than intended.
“Good day at the office dear?” asked Justin, grinning, as Brian entered the living room, placing his attaché case on
the floor and he undid his tie and the top button of his shirt. Moving to the side table, Brian poured himself a beam
and offered one to Justin, who declined. The man then dropped down onto the sofa.
“Well, if you must know,” answered Brian, taking a sip of his drink. “I’ve had a bitch of a day. We almost lost the
Sleeman account and I had to do some pretty nifty footwork … if I do say so myself … to keep them. Then the new
guy in the art department screwed up the boards for Lehman’s Electronics … and then when I went out to my car I
had a flat and had to wait for the auto company …”
“Poor baby,” said Justin quietly as he moved onto Brian’s lap and he took the glass from Brian’s hand and placed it
on the coffee table. He kissed him.
“Better?” whispered the blond and Brian nodded. “A little … wanna try some more?” whispered Brian back and
Justin duly obliged.
“Better now?” asked Justin. “Much,” stated Brian and Justin pulled away.
“Have you eaten today?” asked the blond and Brian threw the last of his drink down his throat and then shook his
head. “No … I haven’t had time.”
“Okay … I’ll make us something while you get showered and changed … Gus ate earlier,” and Justin started to
make his way to the kitchen. They’d engaged an agency to find them a housekeeper, one who would keep the place
in order and who could prepare an evening meal and would stay with Gus until either Brian or Justin got home. Mrs.
Doherty, their previous housekeeper, was unable to travel the distance to the new house, and was hoping to retire in
any case, but until the new housekeeper started the following week, Justin didn’t mind preparing their meals and
looking out for Gus.
“Thanks,” called Brian, after Justin. “I’ll go check on Gus before I head for the shower,” and he picked up his case
and disappeared upstairs and Justin waited a few minutes before following him.
Brian left his case in the office and looked in on his son. He found Gus absorbed in what he was doing, but they
chatted for a few minutes about the boy’s day and Brian looked to see how the homework was going.
Justin hung back, not wanting to intrude on father and son and he waited until Brian entered their own bedroom
before he followed him in.
Brian turned on the lamps on the nightstands and then took off his jacket and tie and left them on a chair and was
about to sit on the bed in order to take off his shoes when he came to an abrupt halt.
“What the …” and quietly, Justin entered the room and walked up behind Brian and slid his arms around the man’s
waist.
“I found it while I was unpacking the boxes in the garage … the ones we brought back from the loft,” said the blond
and Brian briefly closed his eyes.
“Shit … I’d forgotten that’s where it was,” he said softly.
Propped up against the pillows on the bed was a picture: one that Justin had drawn of Brian ten years before, as the
man lay asleep and naked.
There had been a charity art show at the Gay and Lesbian Center. A show arranged by Lindsay and Mel, who had
encouraged a very young Justin to show his work.
“I always did wonder who’d bought it,” said Justin and he removed his arms from around Brian’s waist and went to
sit on the bed and he picked up the picture.
Brian spoke softly and with obvious pleasure; he’d been secretly flattered that Justin had sketched the picture of him
and had been determined that no one else would own it.
“How could I not buy it?” said Brian. “And besides … it was your first art sale and it was for charity.”
Justin sighed. “My only art sale,” and the sadness in his voice was so evident; remembering the talent he’d once had.
Before the bashing.
“Christ … I look so young,” continued Brian, sitting on the bed next to Justin.
“We were both young,” said the blond and he looked at Brian and smiled; the older man smiled back.
Getting up from the bed, still holding the picture, Justin began to move around the room. “What are you doing?”
asked Brian. “Trying to figure out where best to hang it …”
“Oh no … we don’t want it in here,” and Justin looked back at him in surprise. “Why not?”
“What … as a constant reminder of all the years that have gone by?” asked Brian and he shook his head and started
to remove his shoes.
Slowly, Justin placed the picture back on the bed and went to stand in front of Brian and he knelt down and, fingers
beneath Brian’s chin, he tilted the older man’s head up to face him.
“You’re still the most beautiful man I’ve ever known,” stated Justin gently, looking into hazel eyes in a face belying
the passage of time and he lent forward to kiss the older man.
Looking into Justin’s eyes; the most wonderful blue eyes that Brian thought he’d ever seen, Brian could see the
sincerity of Justin’s words and then Justin stroked Brian’s face, smiled and stood up. He picked up the picture again.
“If you don’t want it in here … can I have it … for the studio?”
“Sure,” came the answer and Brian watched as Justin left the room to take the picture up to his studio. And, not for
the first time, did Brian think he was the luckiest man alive, knowing that this beautiful young man wanted to be
with him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Soon after they moved in a housewarming was arranged. Emmett’s party planning business had gone from strength
to strength and he was dying to do something in honor of Brian and Justin being back together and now things had
settled down for them, this was the perfect time.
The table in the dining room groaned under the weight of food and a bar had been set up in the corner of the room. It
was still cold outside, preventing everyone from admiring the garden, but the house came in for much congratulation
in the way it had been decorated and furnished.
“Christ Brian … this must have set you back a bundle,” said Debbie as he greeted her in the hallway and she and
Marty joined the ever-growing number of guests. She’d been dying to come over and see the new house and it had
taken everything Marty had to convince her to let the boys have some time to sort themselves out first. He’d already
learned how she liked to take charge, sometimes forgetting her “boys” were now grown men.
Jennifer Taylor had arrived a little early, like many a loving mother, in order to see if there was anything she could
do. Justin promptly sat her down and put a drink in her hand and told her to relax; a trait not many mother’s know
how to handle and Jennifer was no exception.
“But I want to help, dear,” she’d told him only to be informed in return that this was a party and that they had
caterers and she was a guest and not expected to help. Jennifer smiled and reluctantly took the drink, but shortly
after, her daughter Molly along with her husband, Gary arrived, and Justin sighed with relief; his mother was now
occupied.
Cynthia, who had once been Brian’s PA, but who now mostly ran the New York office, had arranged to be in town
for the party and several of Kinnetik’s largest accounts had also been invited; a chance to network was not to be
ignored. And, pleasing Justin immensely, Daphne had also been able to join them, bringing John, her boyfriend.
Daphne had been the first person Justin had called to give the good news about him and Brian being together and
she’d cried. It was her he’d confided in about being gay when they were in school together and she’d been there
throughout; Justin falling in love with Brian and witnessing their rocky relationship; the aftermath of the bashing
and then his walking out on the man. And now they were together again, she couldn’t be happier for him.
“Is it serious?” Justin asked her as they watched as John went to get them some food and Daphne had nodded, her
excitement spilling over. “Yeah, I think so ... he’s asked me to marry him … and we’re moving back to the Pitts,”
and she waved the rather nice diamond engagement ring in front of Justin’s face.
“Oh my God, Daph … that’s brilliant news,” and Justin had hugged her tightly.
Brian had been talking to a client in the living room, but moving away, heard his name called.
“Brian …” and he turned around to find Michael standing there. “Hi Mikey … good to see you. Is Ben with you?”
asked Brian and Michael nodded. “He’s getting some drinks … house looks great but I haven’t brought you
anything … a housewarming gift I mean.”
“We didn’t want any gifts Michael … we told everyone that. We have everything we need,” answered Brian and
Michael nodded. “Yeah … I guess you have,” he stated sadly and turned around and went to find Ben.
Brian watched him go and couldn’t help but wonder if he was saying goodbye to over 25 years of friendship. But if
Michael couldn’t accept that he was with Justin now then that was his problem.
Gus had been allowed to stay up late and had been duly fussed over by Debbie, but when stubbornness eventually
gave way to tiredness, Brian took him up and put him to bed.
The evening had flowed nicely and so had the alcohol and Emmett had also organized the music. Now, towards the
end of the party, it was their closest friends who’d stayed on and taken to the area that had become a small dance
floor.
The people who’d remained couldn’t help but see how close Brian and Justin were as they watched them dance
together; Justin’s head on Brian’s shoulder, sometimes looking at each other and talking and smiling, but then with
long periods of just holding on, culminating in a kiss.
“He’s happy … you should be too,” whispered Ben earnestly and Michael reluctantly nodded in reply.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sign on the office door said Head of Art Department and Brian couldn’t be more pleased, having Justin on
board. In the main, over the passed few months, they’d worked well together, Justin always able to interpret Brian
and his small team’s ideas and he got on well with the rest of the staff.
They had a great lifestyle and with Justin now earning a good salary, he made sure he contributed every month to
the running expenses of the house. Still not as much as he would have liked, but he didn’t want to argue or upset
Brian over it, the older man not asking Justin to contribute, but realizing that Justin needed to.
Whenever they could, both or either of them would work at home, especially when Gus was off school with a cold
or it was the mid-term break. The flexibility they had enabled them to work on into the evening and spend the day
with the boy and Justin discovered he was enjoying his new-found parental role in Gus’ life and, much to Brian’s
joy, a close relationship had developed between the two of them.
And though Justin loved working alongside Brian each day, coming in with him and leaving together most nights,
he was beginning to realize why Brian had decided to strike out on his own; risking everything to be his own boss.
The business was growing and Brian had started thinking about expanding even further: maybe to Chicago or even
Washington and Justin could see the buzz Brian got from it; even just talking about the possibility of starting up a
new office and taking on a new challenge.
Justin loved the work, but missed the time he’d spent in Europe when he would take on commissions for illustrating
books or designing CD covers and posters for the recording industry, which meant actively seeking work for himself
and pitting himself against what was often strong competition.
Working with Brian was good, but it was safe. There was no edge, no feeling of having to get out there and find the
work for himself and slowly, Justin began to realize that he too needed such a challenge.
But how would he tell Brian? Since Brian had first asked him to come to work at Kinnetik at New Year, after they’d
come back together again, it was obvious that the older man had looked forward to having him alongside and the last
thing Justin wanted to do was hurt his feelings or have Brian feel rejected.
Brian’s fear of rejection played a big part in preventing him from admitting his feelings for Justin in the first place,
even though the younger man had made it quite clear his own feelings on that score.
But feelings of rejection, whether real or imaginary, had been with Brian since childhood. After all, when you learn
that your own father believed you should have been aborted and that his way of showing his young son affection
was with his fists, what else are you to believe? And when your mother discovers you’re gay and tells you that
you’re destined to spend eternity in hell, what else can you believe?
When the man you love publicly walks out on you on the arm of another, in front of all your friends, your “family”;
even though you think, no hope, that he knows how you feel without hearing the words, there’s nothing else left to
believe. And though everything on the surface seemed to be under control, Justin still wondered, from time to time,
how far Brian’s insecurities were really buried.
In the past Brian’s barriers had proven to be impenetrable; that is until Justin came along. And while most people
had thought the younger Brian a selfish, self-absorbed, egotistical and insensitive son-of-a-bitch, Justin had never
been fooled. Instead of being the most insensitive of men, Brian was the opposite; it was the only thing that made
sense. Otherwise why fight to keep the barriers up if you didn’t feel? What would be the need other than to protect
yourself from pain; pain of rejection.
So would Justin telling Brian he wanted to leave his business and start up on his own be one rejection too many?
However, it didn’t take Brian long to realize that something was on his partner’s mind.
They’d had a project meeting; going over the campaign they were preparing to pitch to a prospective client. Tyler
Malden, a new Ad. Exec. recently appointed, was heading the campaign and the three of them, together with Ted, as
the company’s accountant and Becky, Brian’s PA, were going over the proposed schedule and the figures and
determining the cost.
Justin did one of two things when he was bothered about something or had something on his chest. He either
clammed up or you couldn’t shut him up; there was no middle ground. On this occasion, he’d clammed up and Brian
could see he was mulling something over; something very important to him and for a moment, Brian was scared to
death of what that something might be.
And now Brian and Justin were left alone and Justin collected the boards from the table and ensuring they were back
in their correct order. Whilst his staff did most of the preparatory work, Justin had the final say and, if it were a
particularly large campaign, he would take total control and personally produce the artwork necessary; seeing the
process through from start to finish.
Brian watched him and smiled as he saw him scratch behind his ear; another sign, one he’d carried over from his
teenage years that gave him away.
“You gonna tell me what’s on your mind?” asked Brian and he swung his chair around to face him.
“Mmm?” Justin tried to act normal; telling himself that the churning in his stomach every time he thought he might
mention it meant nothing and now when he had the chance he was trying to stall.
Slowly, Brian got out of his chair and walked over to where Justin was stacking the boards and he lent against the
wall. “Come on, Justin … you’ve obviously got something on your mind. Give.”
Justin looked at him and sighed and thought about the words he needed to kick this off and in a way that Brian
would understand.
“I’ve watched you recently … when you’ve been talking about expanding the business. You get a real buzz out of it,
don’t you?” asked Justin and Brian nodded. “Yeah … I do ... planning something like that … seeing it all come
together,” and he walked to the side table and poured out two cups of coffee.
“I don’t mind telling you that when I opened up the New York office … I was scared to death … trying to start up a
new business in a new town … where nobody knew me. I’d got stale … bored and it was just the challenge I
needed,” and he passed Justin a cup of coffee.
“Besides,” continued Brian. “At that time, I didn’t think there was much here for me any more …”
“And now?” asked Justin, taking a sip of his coffee.
“Now?” answered Brian. “Now I wanna do it to prove I still can … that I’ve still got what it takes.”
Justin grinned. “You’ll always have what it takes, Brian. You’ve always had that drive … the ambition … wanting
to succeed … and be …”
“… the best homosexual I can?” finished Brian, reminding them both of when he’d said those exact words to Justin,
telling him to follow his own dreams and not those that others wanted for him and he sat down on the edge of the
table waiting for the younger man to continue.
“Yeah … and I know now that’s exactly what I want to do,” said Justin, moving towards him. “I’ve been thinking
about it for a little while … that I want to go out on my own … be my own man … like you … and start up my own
business, instead of clinging on to yours.”
“You’re not clinging on,” said Brian. “You’ve earned your place here. You’re the best I could have hoped for,” and
he smiled. “You’re very good Justin and I was wondering how long I was going to hang on to you.” Justin had been
instrumental over the months he’d worked there in securing several new accounts: his talent an asset that couldn’t be
denied or unrecognized.
“I’m not surprised you wanna do this … I guess I always thought that one day you might,” admitted Brian. “But
you’re still a little young … it’s a lot to take on.”
“I’m nearly as old now as you were … when we first met,” Justin reminded him and they both chuckled. “Yeah”
said Brian, but at Justin’s age, he was the party boy who couldn’t see passed his thirtieth birthday, let alone start up
his own business, care for his son and be in a monogamous relationship; they’d both done a lot of growing up since
then.
“Okay … what can I do to help? Have you worked out how much it’s gonna cost to set up?” but Justin shook his
head. “Thanks … but I’ve got to do this entirely on my own.”
“We could make it a proper loan … an investment,” continued Brian, but Justin continued to shake his head in
refusal and he picked up the boards to go back to his own office.
“Well, at least get Ted to help you with a business plan … you’re going to need something to take to the bank if
you’re gonna try for a loan,” and Justin stopped and turned around. “Okay … thanks … I will,” and Justin smiled at
him and left.
Brian swallowed the last of his coffee and looked down into his empty cup and he allowed himself a slight smile.
Yes indeed: how Justin, the kid he’d once referred to as “his baby”; “his son”; putting himself in the role of father
figure and teacher as well as lover, had grown up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They came to an arrangement: at least for the time being. Justin continued to work at Kinnetik, but he also let it be
known that he was willing to take on private work, though nothing in direct competition with Brian and odd bits and
pieces started to come along.
As Brian suggested, Justin asked Ted to help him to prepare a business plan and Justin made sure the studio at the
house was capable of being fully functional as a place of work, even going so far as to have a separate telephone line
installed just for his business.
However the banks weren’t being very forthcoming and Justin was beginning to despair as he tried to sell himself
and his talent and was tired of receiving letters with the same knock backs.
“Another one?” asked Brian as they sat at the breakfast table. It was Saturday and shortly they would be off to watch
Gus play in a soccer game, but for the moment they were opening their mail and Justin passed Brian the letter.
“It says exactly the same as the others … I’m too young … and I don’t have any real business experience,” and
Justin picked up his dirty breakfast dishes and placed them in the dishwasher. “They think I’m too high a risk.”
Brian read the letter from Penn Federal; they weren’t their exact words, but that was pretty much what they meant.
“I told you I’d back you … if you’d let me,” said Brian and he picked up his own dirty dishes and took them to the
kitchen, but he knew what the answer would be.
“Thanks Brian … I know you would, but … I still have to try this on my own … I’m not beat yet … okay?”
“Okay,” replied the older man and he put his arms around Justin’s neck and kissed him.
“Dad … can we go yet?” yelled his son as he came racing into the kitchen and all three then put on their coats and
headed out to Gus’ game.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The owners of Katherine’s Casuals asked for Brian to handle their account personally; these people were used to
dealing with whoever was in charge and Brian was happy to oblige. It was a young company, but from old money
and daddy held the purse strings.
Becky passed in the paperwork and Brian went over the details for the last time before the scheduled meeting the
following day, it having been made quite clear that Kinnetik hadn’t been the first choice of advertising agency. And
now something caught Brian’s eye, taking him along to Justin’s office.
Katherine Van Linden was in her middle twenties and already owned two boutiques in Pittsburgh and the family had
plans for her to expand and eventually to go nation-wide and potentially, this could be a very lucrative account.
“How’s the Casuals boards going?” asked Brian and Justin looked up from what he was working on. “Okay,” he
answered. “I’m nearly done … they just need a little finishing off.”
“Good,” replied Brian. “This could be a big one, Justin … I need you to do your best work … pull out all the stops.”
“Are they gonna be big?” asked Justin and Brian nodded his head. “They could be very useful. Show me what
you’ve done,” and they moved over to the stands where Justin had the almost completed boards ready for him to see.
The proposed campaign was for top-of-the-range women’s casual clothing, costing hundreds of dollars for the
smallest item. “God … I remember girls like this,“ stated Justin, looking at the pictures on the boards and
remembering the times when he used to go with his parents to the country club they belonged to.
“They had so much money,” he continued. “Generous allowances and parents who would give them anything. And
they had to look the part, even if it was just meeting a friend … they had to wear the right outfit with the right
accessories … and that included their boyfriends … competing with each other all the time,” and so the boards had
recreated this exactly; a range of casual wear aimed at the well-heeled, well-bred young woman and for all
occasions, be it a lunch date with friends, a weekend in the country on the arm of a handsome young man or just
being seen around town.
“Katherine’s Casuals … for when the date is anything but casual,” read Brian from the boards.
“I really like that Justin … I’ll make sure they know it was you that came up with that. Okay … I’ll catch you later,”
and Brian playfully ruffled Justin’s hair as he left to return to his own office.
Passing Becky’s desk, he quickly wrote a name down on her jotter. “Can you get me that number please, Becky.”
“Sure Brian, do you want me to make the call?” “No, that’s fine,” he answered. “Just let me have the number.”
Two minutes later, Becky passed in the information and Brian rang the number.
“Mr. Peter Van Linden please,” he asked. “Thank you … just connecting you,” and Brian put down the phone; he
had the confirmation he needed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katherine loved the campaign. She loved the boards, the concept and especially the slogan and Brian went to great
lengths to tell her it was Justin who had come up with that idea as well as producing the artwork and he’d allowed
Justin to take over the presentation.
In the end, her father hadn’t needed too much persuasion. His little girl generally got what she wanted, but when it
came to this sort of money, Peter Van Linden wanted to know exactly what they were getting; how often and why.
But even he had to admit he liked the campaign and was happy enough to sign on the dotted line.
As Katherine and Justin disappeared back to the art department to go over more ideas, Brian took the opportunity to
speak with her father.
“I’m glad you like the campaign and I know we weren’t your choice initially … so I was wondering … what swung
it for us in the end?”
Peter Van Linden got up from his chair and went over to one of the boards; he tapped it with his finger. “Well, I
suppose it was these really … they catch the eye and the slogan’s good.” Brian nodded in agreement and he stood
up.
“Please … come with me … I’d like you to see something,” and Brian led him out into the corridor and down to the
reception area.
“You see these?” asked Brian, indicating half a dozen boards for different and very successful advertising
campaigns lining the walls.
“Yes?” came the confused response. “Well, these have been our most recent campaigns,” explained Brian and Mr.
Van Linden went over to one of the boards.
“Osmon’s Automobiles,” he said, pointing to one of them. “We bought my wife’s new car there on the strength of
that ad,” and Brian smiled and moved over to the board, which he took down off the wall and he turned it around;
the name on the back said ‘Justin Taylor.’ At Brian’s insistence, Justin had labeled his work.
“I don’t understand … what am I looking at?”
“All these boards … as well as yours … were done by Justin,” stated Brian and he hung the board back on the wall.
“Now,” continued Brian. “If my memory serves me … as well as being Katherine’s father, you’re also President and
CEO of Penn Federal … am I right?”
“That’s right,” confirmed Mr. Van Linden. “But what does that have to do with my daughter’s campaign?”
“Nothing … directly,” answered Brian. “But Justin wants to go out on his own … start up his own business … and
your bank turned down his loan application.”
“Now you’ve seen his work … seen how much talent he has … maybe the bank would like to rethink its position?”
But before the man could respond, Justin appeared: he and Katherine trying to locate her father.
“There you are, daddy. Justin’s got some wonderful ideas for the future … we’ll be going nation-wide before we
know it,” and she took her father’s arm.
Mr. Van Linden shook hands with Justin and then with Brian. “It’s been a pleasure … I’ll look into that other
business,” and he and Brian exchanged knowing smiles and the Van Linden’s left.
“What was all that about?” asked Justin, but Brian chose to ignore his question. “Well I think we’re done ... let’s call
it a day,” and putting a hand on the younger man’s shoulder, Brian turned him around and they walked back to their
offices to clear up before heading home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Out of nowhere, came a call from East Coast Recordings. Justin’s work had come highly recommended and they
wanted to make an appointment to see him regarding the artwork for a forthcoming album and promotional material.
Justin couldn’t contain his excitement as he telephoned to schedule an appointment for the following day and though
it pleased Brian, it also felt as if Justin was moving away from him, albeit it very slightly; a feeling he fought hard to
keep to himself.
On his arrival at the ECR offices, Justin was greeted by Tony Marshall, who was obviously excited about a new
signing; someone with a wonderful talent who they hoped would fill a void in the classical market, normally ignored
by them.
After preliminary discussions, Justin had agreed in principle to undertake the work and they were waiting for the
musician to arrive.
The man in question was nearly an hour late and Tony was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable, but Justin was
willing to put it down to artistic temperament. When he finally arrived, the man came rushing into the office full of
apologies and Justin stood, opened-mouthed as the introductions were made.
“Justin Taylor,” said Tony Marshall. “I’d like you to meet Mr. Ethan Gold.”
-oOo-
Chapter Four:
For a few moments, Justin couldn’t understand what anyone was saying. He was conscious of being spoken to, but
he couldn’t make out the words, such was the effect of being in the same room as Ethan Gold.
At Tony Marshall’s introduction, Ethan had offered his hand, prompting a response from Justin that was more
automatic than anything else.
“Hello, Justin,” said Ethan, smiling and looking straight at him. “It’s great to see you … you’re looking good,” and
he held Justin’s hand in a firm grip.
“Ethan …” managed Justin in reply and he removed his hand as soon as politeness would allow; not wanting Tony
to realize the men shared any significant history.
Tony gestured to a chair next to the one Justin had got up from to Ethan and all three of them sat down.
“You two know each other?” asked Tony and Justin smiled weakly and the man continued.
“Well, it’s a small world, or so they say … but that should make life a lot easier for you both … not having to get to
know each other from scratch.”
“Hopefully, Justin, you’ll get some idea of what Ethan here’s got in mind fairly quickly … save us all a lot of time
and money,” and Justin nodded and smiled, but his stomach was churning, sitting in such close proximity to his
former lover.
Tony Marshall outlined the company’s plans for Ethan’s forthcoming album release and concert tour; all the while
Justin wishing he could remove himself from the proceedings.
“Well, I think I’m done,” stated Tony eventually. “Why don’t I leave you two guys now to decide how you’re going
to work things out? We’re totally committed to Ethan … we realize how lucky we’ve been … getting him away
from his previous label and we want a high quality product to promote his first album with us,” and Tony stood and
held out his hand to Justin.
“I’ll draw up the contract and get it to you … but we’d like you to start working on this straight away. We’ve
brought forward the concert tour, as we were able to fit in another date, so it will be a bit of a rush job I’m afraid …
but from what I’ve been hearing you’re more than capable of delivering the goods. I’ll catch up with you in a few
days … see how things are going,” and Tony smiled at Justin and shook hands with Ethan and left and now a heavy
silence hung in the room between the two men.
“Ethan …” said Justin after a long pause, but the other man held up his hand to stop him from proceeding any
further.
“Look, Justin … before you say anything, just hear me out … okay?” and Justin nodded, but he wasn’t sure he really
wanted to hear what the other man had to say.
Ethan got up from his chair and sat on the edge of the desk: looking down at Justin and he folded his arms. “I know I
treated you badly,” he started, but it was Justin’s turn to interrupt him.
“The last time I saw you … you hit me … right after I caught you fucking that kid … if you remember,” said Justin,
his voice low and Ethan thought he heard just the remotest hint of sadness in his tone.
“I know and I should never have done that … like I should never have let you get away from me,” but Justin didn’t
want to hear that and got up from his chair and headed for the door. “This isn’t going to work, Ethan … I’m going to
find Tony … tell him I can’t work for him …”
Ethan hastily stood up and took a couple of steps forward. “Justin … wait. Can’t we be adults about this? Okay …
so we had something once, but are you telling me the work is flooding in so fast you can afford to turn this down?”
“You sign up to an organization like East Coast and you’ll have more work than you can handle. I’m willing to put
our past behind us … can’t you do the same? Aren’t we’re both professional enough to do that?”
Justin stopped and listened to what the man was saying and he sighed. Ethan was right; their relationship had ended
a long time ago, why should he be afraid of spending a little time with him in a purely professional capacity and this
could be just the opening he needed. A few commissions like this and the banks would be throwing their money at
him.
Slowly, Justin turned around to face him and for the first time in many years he was able to take a really good look
at him. Ethan Gold; charismatic with smoldering dark looks and talent abundant and Justin had once been in love
with him and had thought that Ethan loved him in return. But that was all behind him now that he was with Brian.
What did he have to fear?
“Okay … you’re right … this shouldn’t be a problem … as long as we both know where we stand.”
“Good,” replied Ethan. “I’m glad we’re agreed.”
They sat down and Justin began to feel a little more relaxed and able to converse more freely with the man he’d
known so intimately. “So,” asked Justin. “What brought you back to the Pitts? It’s hardly Paris or Rome.”
“No, it isn’t,” answered Ethan. “But I was getting tired of living overseas and when East Coast came looking for me,
I couldn’t believe my luck. I was just coming to the end of my contract and my label assumed I was just going to
sign up with them again. But they wanted me to commit my time in Europe and I wanted to come home … which is
why I’m here … now … and with a very good deal … E.C. practically let me name my own price.”
“That and I realized I was getting stale and becoming more known outside my own country and I wanted to get back
to my roots. I have a comfortable following in Europe, but I want to concentrate on the American market now and I
think I need to … to reinvent myself,” and Ethan was leaning forward in his chair as he spoke and ever closer to
Justin.
Justin recognized the enthusiasm that Ethan had always possessed, whether he was talking about his music or
suggesting a movie they should go and see. And whether he realized it or not, Justin was already beginning to be
carried along on the tide of fervor that was Ethan Gold.
They agreed to meet the following day at E.C.’s studio. Justin wanted to get a feel for the music pieces that had been
agreed would be included in the new album and which would also feature during the concert tour. That way, he
could visualize the theme for the CD cover and promotional material and exploit them to their full potential.
They shook hands and Justin looked into dark, liquid eyes; eyes that had once drawn him into a world of passion and
intensity and that now steadily held his gaze. And, as their hands touched, an almost electrically charged surge of
energy appeared to pass between them. Something that didn’t go unnoticed by either of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Driving home, Justin considered what he was going to tell Brian and in the end, elected to say nothing. Once he and
Ethan had decided on the theme that Justin would pursue, he hoped not to have much contact with him, so why
concern Brian? Why worry him needlessly over something that had happened in the past: something that had no
bearing on their future.
Justin managed to side-step any enquiry from Brian as to the outcome of his meeting with the recording company,
other than to say it went well and that he was expecting to take up some work fairly soon. If Brian had been
concerned at Justin’s fairly noncommittal attitude, he definitely didn’t portray it and Justin breathed a huge sigh of
relief that there was no further questioning. But he felt guilty at not coming clean, even though he had nothing really
to feel guilty about, other than his omission.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As arranged, Justin met with Ethan, who had brought his very precious violin with him. The aim of the album was to
reach out to people who may not necessarily consider listening to classical music and appealing to a whole new
market with a mix of both standard and lighter compositions. Justin listened as Ethan spoke enthusiastically about
every piece to be included, describing the history and the emotions it evoked. Infinitely describing each piece’s
beauty and then he began to play.
The man was a genius, the instrument coming alive in his hands and whilst Ethan played, Justin took some
photographs, walking around the room in order to capture him from various angles. Then, sitting down, he took out
his sketch pad and rested it on his knee and started to draw him; trying to capture the emotion on the face of this
man so lost in his music. Emotion that photographs didn’t always portray well enough; unable to reach down into
the soul to see what lay there.
Familiar pieces, pieces that he hadn’t heard for years, evoking vivid memories, came flooding back to Justin and
made his stomach flip. Beautiful compositions including Scherzo-Tarantella, when Justin had met Ethan for the very
first time.
Lindsay and Melanie had taken Justin to a concert to celebrate his birthday. A birthday mostly ignored by Brian who
at that time considered such dates unworthy of celebration, saying anyone could get born and that the only thing
worth celebrating were achievements. But this was coming from a man whose father hadn’t wanted him born in the
first place and who’d considered he might as well be dead when he hit his thirtieth and thought hiring a hustler for
his young lover, rather than spend any quality time with him, was the perfect birthday gift.
And after the concert, Justin had struck up a conversation with this remarkable young man who told him he’d seen
Justin staring at him and Justin showed him the sketches he’d made of him whilst he was playing. Then a few days
later, whilst taking a short cut, Justin had immediately recognized the technique of the violin player and was drawn
into the rehearsal room by Paganini’s Cantible and Ethan told Justin how disappointed he was to discover the young
man had a boyfriend and that he would have given him a birthday he’d never forget; one where he would play for
him.
Justin tried to concentrate on the present instead of the past and keep his mind on what he was doing, but his
thoughts kept wandering back to that time in their lives. A time where he helped Ethan rescue a sofa from the trash
to take back to his top-floor apartment and where instead of spending the week away with Justin, Brian had gone on
a business trip at a time when the young man didn’t appreciate how important it was to Brian’s career. But why
would he? Back then Brian never talked to him about the things that really mattered.
And when Ethan came to an art fayre, Justin gave him one of his paintings in exchange for a song. A song when
collected, Messanet’s so romantic Meditation from Thais, that Justin found himself falling for this man and they’d
made love on a mattress laid on boards.
And now, Justin’s head was spinning, remembering all they’d meant to each other and all the experiences they’d
shared. Picnics on the floor sharing secrets, Ethan telling him he wanted to be with someone who wanted him only
and that he wished for the two of them to wake up together and watch the sunrise. And that he knew Brian would
never love Justin the way the young man wanted him to; the way Ethan would.
Then after being with Ethan, Justin had gone home to Brian and found the man waiting for him in bed, saying
nothing and pulling back the covers for Justin to climb in beside him and the blond had turned away from him. Brian
had put his arm around him, knowing who he’d been with and what they’d been doing. Knowing also that Justin was
slipping away from him.
Finally, when Justin told Brian about Ethan and apologized for falling in love with someone who could love him in a
way that Brian couldn’t; in a way that Brian said he wouldn’t, Brian gave him the choice to stay or go. Unable to tell
the younger man just how much he cared, Brian would never ask him to stay or try and influence him. It had to be
Justin’s decision alone; a decision that was made at the Rage party.
Brian had organized and paid for the whole event to launch the comic book created by Justin and Michael and the
blond had found Brian fucking Rage, his superhero counterpart, in Babylon’s backroom and at that time thought he
would never change. And then Ethan came and told Justin he couldn’t stop thinking about him and they left together
and Brian saw him go, but didn’t try to stop him and it was many years later that Justin realized just how much the
man’s heart was breaking as he’d watched him leave.
But that was the time when Brian was still lying to himself about his feelings; telling himself he had none and that
he was incapable of loving or accepting love. Feelings that thankfully, had been turned upside down and inside out
when Justin re-entered his life at Christmas and re-claimed Brian’s heart.
Ethan watched Justin as he played, seeing how beautiful he was after all this time with his blond hair, pale skin and
incredible blue eyes and how Ethan wanted him still. But he knew Justin’s heart belonged to another as he’d seen
them together quite by chance and remembered how, even during their time together, he felt Justin was still in love
with Brian; never committing himself fully.
How then did Justin expect him not to play around when Ethan knew the man in his bed wasn’t truly his? Justin was
to blame for his fucking all those other guys. If he’d given himself totally, proving to Ethan how committed he was,
then they would still be together.
Instead, he’d gone running back to Brian. How could they make such a fool of him as that? He couldn’t allow that to
continue.
Justin stopped sketching and now just listened to him and he recognized what had made him fall in love with the
man in the first place and that was Ethan’s apparent willingness to commit himself totally to what he held most dear.
There was one commitment that in the end he couldn’t fulfill, but at the outset of their relationship, one that
promised to be deep and abiding and would last forever. But all too late, Justin realized that Ethan’s commitment to
him had been an illusion and all he had were empty words and empty gestures. That Ethan’s true passion, his true
love, was his music and no man could ever match up to that.
And now Justin knew for sure that Ethan would never be the man he would love. That could only ever be Brian and
now that Justin was secure in Brian’s love for him, he allowed himself to relax. He felt safe and untouched by
Ethan’s influence. He couldn’t reach him any more.
Ethan stopped playing and took a deep breath and lent back his head, bringing himself down from the heights his
music took him. He looked at Justin and smiled.
“Do you have everything you need?” he asked him.
“I think so,” answered Justin, getting up from his chair.
“How long before I can see anything?”
“Well, you’ll have to give me a few days to see what I can come up with.”
“Okay, but can I call you if I have any ideas?” asked Ethan. Justin hesitated, but then took out his notepad and wrote
down his business number and tore out the page, which he gave to Ethan. “I’ll be in touch,” said the blond and he
left.
Once outside the room, Justin sighed with relief. He knew he’d done exactly the right thing in leaving Ethan all
those years ago and that his pursuit of Brian, when Brian could at last admit how he felt and let Justin inside those
barriers, had brought him a deeper love than he ever could have hoped for.
Going back down to his car, Justin took out his cell phone and called Brian, who had just been about to go into a
meeting and, looking at the caller ID, he smiled.
“Hi,” said Brian, quietly moving away from his potential customers and he indicated to them that he’d be just a
minute.
“Hi,” answered Justin and he inwardly sighed. He wasn’t sure why he’d called Brian, other than at that minute, he
just wanted to hear his voice.
“Everything okay?” asked the older man, a little confused by the call and there was a pause before Justin continued.
“I … I just wanted to tell you I love you.”
“Brian … I think we’re ready to go,” and Becky called him over as the group were getting impatient.
Brian smiled. “I love you too,” he answered quietly and they both rung off.
Ethan watched from the window as Justin went back to his car; this wasn’t the end for him. By the time he finished,
Brian would want nothing to do with the blond-haired beauty now driving away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Are you coming into the office today?” asked Brian as Justin emerged from the bathroom. Justin was spending
more of his time away from Kinnetik and working in the studio at home and Brian missed having the blond just
down the hall where he could stop by and talk about a particular campaign or maybe manage a quick coffee
together.
“Sure,” replied the younger man, towel-drying his hair. “But we’ll have to take both cars … I need to go out later.”
It had been almost a week since Justin had seen Ethan and now he had some preliminary poster designs and sample
CD covers for both Ethan and Tony to look over and he’d made arrangements to meet them.
Brian frowned. These days, they didn’t even have the luxury of spending time together on their journey into the
office and Justin was taking on more work himself, not wanting to turn anything down as he tried to establish
himself.
Brian could remember what it was like, trying to start up your own business, but was still a little disappointed that
Justin seemed so determined to go it alone and not let him contribute in any way. But isn’t that what he’d always
encouraged him to do; be his own man and not be swayed by what someone else wanted him to be?
When he’d said those words all those years ago, he never thought they’d come back to haunt him, but looking at
Justin whilst he dressed, Brian couldn’t help but feel more than just a little proud, considering everything he’d been
through and Justin seemed to sense that Brian was unhappy at how little time they spent together these days. “I’ll
catch up with you at dinner,” he told Brian and he went over to the man and kissed him before grabbing his jacket
and heading downstairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ethan loved the designs and so did Tony and they agreed which ones they wanted to go with for both the CD cover
and the publicity posters, with just one or two minor alterations.
Justin was glad Tony was present at their meeting, as although he no longer had feelings for Ethan and despite the
man’s words about putting their past behind them, the way he seemed to be looking at him made Justin feel a little
uncomfortable.
At the studio, Ethan had made a point of keeping a distance between them, but today he was acting totally different.
Whether it was studying the artwork Justin had produced, looking at it closely, leaning over his shoulder, or their
hands touching briefly as the samples were passed around and brushing against him to take up a seat beside him, he
could see he was having an unsettling effect on the blond: just the reaction he wanted.
He wanted Justin confused and unsure of his own feelings towards Ethan as well as Ethan’s feelings for him and
despite what Justin said, he knew Justin too well. When the man loved, he loved completely. There was no way he
could just turn off his feelings for Ethan just like that. And Ethan was convinced that some remnant of affection
must still remain and was determined to play him to the limit.
After Tony had left them to go to yet another meeting, the conversation turned to their shared past as Ethan
reminded Justin of another CD cover using Justin’s designs, one that Ethan had produced himself whilst still a
struggling student, with the acknowledgement: For Justin.
“My God … I’d forgotten that,” confessed Justin and indeed he had, but obviously, Ethan hadn’t.
“Do you remember Rome?” Ethan asked him, from across the table where Justin was packing away the artwork he’d
brought with him and Justin nodded. “Rome was incredible … the art … breathtaking.”
“And we had our coffee every day at that little place on … on…” said Ethan, struggling to remember.
“Via Vittoria,” Justin reminded him. “Yes … that’s it,” agreed Ethan and they laughed and Justin suddenly felt a
little guilty about a fond shared memory.
“I … I keep meaning to say to you …”
“What?” asked Justin, looking up from what he was doing.
“I couldn’t help noticing the wedding band. He’s a lucky guy,” said Ethan, even though it was one of the first things
he’d noticed at their initial meeting and Justin glanced down at his hand and smiled.
“Who is he? What’s he like?” continued Ethan, eager to hear Justin’s reply and there was a brief pause before the
other man answered him.
“You already know him,” said Justin and Ethan frowned. “I Do? But I’ve not been back for years.”
“It’s Brian,” answered Justin. “Brian? You don’t mean … Kinney?” asked Ethan, although he knew fully well the
answer and Justin nodded. “Yes … I’m back with Brian,” and Ethan walked around the table, now standing just a
little too close for comfort.
“Does he know what you’re doing?” asked Ethan and he indicated the portfolio that Justin had now picked up and
put under his arm and Justin looked down and Ethan smiled to himself. From Justin’s look, Brian obviously had no
idea what the blond was doing and the fact that Justin hadn’t told him, indicated to Ethan, the level of trust between
them.
“Oh,” said Ethan, knowingly and Justin looked back at him. “It’s nothing like that … it’s just … this is my business
… it has nothing to do with Brian.” But he couldn’t hold Ethan’s gaze and he turned to leave.
“Justin … I’m sorry … I didn’t mean to pry and make things awkward. Who you’re with now has nothing to do with
me, but can’t we still be friends? I know I treated you badly, but we did have some great times too … didn’t we?”
Justin closed his eyes briefly and sighed. He turned around. “Yes … you’re right … we did. But I’m with Brian now
… I love him and he loves me.”
“Does he?” asked Ethan, moving towards him again.
“Yes … he does. Ethan … we can’t keep doing this … reminding ourselves of the past. I’ve moved on and I thought
you had too.”
“You’re right, Justin … I’m sorry … I won’t mention it again … but I really would like us to be friends … can’t we
try at least?” asked Ethan and Justin studied the floor for a moment before looking up.
“Sure,” he answered, but he had no real intention of keeping in touch once this piece of work was completed.
“Look,” said Ethan and he moved back to his chair and sat down, giving the man some space. “I’m staying at the
Holiday Inn until the tour … then I’ll decide where I’m going to live. Have lunch with me when you’ve got
everything ready … please Justin? I’d really like that,” and Justin smiled. “Okay … yeah, I’d like that too,” and
what could be the harm in that and Justin would make sure that was the last time he saw him.
Ethan, however, had other plans.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Between putting in hours at Kinnetik and his own projects, Justin was working flat out and Brian was getting a little
worried about all the extra hours he was putting in.
“Are you sure you’re not taking on too much?” Brian had asked him, as he stopped by Justin’s studio where the
younger man had been working since finishing dinner.
“We’ll find someone to help you out more,” he suggested, but Justin had refused. “No, it’s okay … I can handle it
and I don’t want to let you down.”
“You’re not letting me down,” Brian assured him. “And besides … if you want your business to work out … I’m
gonna have to purchase your services the same way I would from any other agency,” said Brian, moving towards the
door.
“Purchase my services huh?” said Justin, turning off the desk lamp and he moved towards him. Brian’s form was
silhouetted in the light coming from downstairs and Justin slipped his hands around Brian’s waist and up under his
sweater; his hands roaming the other man’s back.
“I like the sound of that. Why don’t we go to the bedroom and negotiate terms …”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Justin … you are coming to the game … aren’t you?” asked Gus, and he seemed anxious for Justin not to turn him
down. Justin was coming into the kitchen from the hallway as Gus picked up the holdall containing his soccer gear
from the floor; Brian was waiting by the door.
“Sure, of course I’m coming … I wouldn’t miss it for anything,” and he saw both father and son smile at his reply.
“I’ll just go fetch my coat.”
Gus’ school was doing extremely well in the soccer tournament and the boy had played a large part in how well they
were doing, but Brian thought he’d noticed a subtle change in him over the last couple of weeks and wondered if he
were imagining it.
“How does Gus seem to you?” he asked Justin, as they stood on the touchline, cheering on the young boy’s team.
“How do you mean?” asked Justin and he couldn’t help feeling a pang of guilt. He’d been working hard at finishing
off the artwork for East Coast Recordings as he wanted it completed and out of the way as soon as possible, but he
was conscious of the fact that he was spending less time with Gus; time that both of them had missed and now it
seemed that something was troubling the boy and he hadn’t even been around enough to notice.
“Well,” continued Brian. “He hasn’t actually said anything … but he’s been a bit quiet at dinner the last couple of
nights,” and Brian looked over at Justin. “It’s his moms’ anniversary in a few weeks … it’s not going to be an easy
time for him.” “Or you,” reminded Justin. “Don’t forget yourself in all this Brian … it’s not been easy for you either
this past year.”
“No,” agreed Brian. “All in all, it’s been a pretty eventful year … that’s for sure,” and he smiled at the younger man
and Justin rubbed Brian’s arm.
“Only … I was thinking,” continued Brian. “I promised Gus we’d plant a tree in their memory and with the first
anniversary coming up and now we’re settled in the house … I think this would be the time to do it.”
“You really think you’ll wanna stay there forever?” asked Justin and Brian nodded. “Sure … it really feels like
home and I can’t think of any reason to leave … can you?” and Justin shook his head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few days later, Justin rang E.C.R. and left a message for Tony Marshall to say that he’d completed the alterations
to the artwork as requested and just needed final approval before everything could be mass-produced.
Daphne had rung to say she and John were making a brief visit back to the Pitts to see her folks and to start talking
about wedding arrangements and wanted Brian and Justin to have an early dinner with them before they started their
drive back home. But in the end, Brian had to alter an appointment to fit in with a client and rang to say he wasn’t
going to make it in time and Justin went on his own.
Not now going out to dinner, Brian was able to let the sitter go once he got home. Gus had already gone up to do his
homework and Brian looked in on him on the way to Justin’s studio. Some supplies had been delivered for Justin at
the office and Brian had brought them home with him and he took them in and placed the box on Justin’s desk.
As he turned to leave, Brian caught sight of the drawing Justin had done of him. It had been placed on the wall right
where Justin would see it immediately he looked up from his desk and a smile crept across Brian’s face.
As he started to pull the door closed behind him, Justin’s business number rang. Brian wouldn’t bother to answer it
and it would go straight onto the answer phone where Justin would pick it up later and usually, Brian wouldn’t take
any notice of the messages left there. But this time was different. This time it was a name and a voice he recognized
from the past.
“Justin … Hi, it’s Ethan. I got your message … I can’t wait to see everything now it’s finished. Call me … I owe
you lunch … remember?”
Brian’s grip on the door handle tightened as he heard the man’s voice and slowly, he re-entered the studio as he
listened to the message.
He swallowed hard and remained rooted to the spot even after the message had ended. Brian knew he shouldn’t be
snooping into Justin’s affairs, but he couldn’t help it; the very fact that the two former lovers were in contact and
that Justin hadn’t bothered to mention it to him, brought an acid taste into Brian’s mouth and he moved behind
Justin’s desk and opened one of the drawers.
Slowly, Brian took out the files he found there and, in the second, found what he’d been dreading. Recent
photographs of Ethan; there was no mistaking him, together with the pencil drawing that Justin had done of him at
the studio.
Brian fought to keep the bile from rising up into his throat and told himself to calm down and that this didn’t
necessarily mean anything. After all, Ethan was a musician and Justin had been meeting with East Coast
Recordings; it all fitted together. But why hadn’t he told him? Why did Justin think he had to keep it from him?
Brian took a large glass of beam with him to bed and tried to keep awake for when Justin returned from dinner with
Daphne and John. But after continually turning everything over in his mind, Brian had eventually fallen asleep
exhausted before Justin had got home.
In the morning, as they rushed breakfast, Brian’s mind was still a little foggy from the night before. He wondered if
he’d dreamed the call and again asked Justin about working for E.C.R. Justin had seemed a little flustered and again
gave non-committal answers, other than to say it was going well.
“And I’m not going to be around much today,” said Justin, putting the bread away and the milk back into the
refrigerator.
“Oh?” asked Brian, casually and trying to gauge the younger man’s expression for deceit. He was still sitting at the
breakfast table, watching Justin move about the kitchen.
“I’ve got a few calls to make and I may have to see that guy from E.C.R. about the designs I’ve been working on,”
continued Justin and he smiled at him. “I’ll catch you later.”
“Oh … and a publishing company have been on to me about working on a kid’s book, so I could end up getting back
late,” and he walked over to Brian and lent down and gave him a peck on the cheek. He was going to ring Ethan and
see if he could get their lunch date over and done with and then in response to the publishers, he’d made
arrangements to see them about some artwork for a children’s book.
Brian swallowed the last of his coffee and watched Justin walk out of the room. Maybe he wasn’t lying about his
work for E.C.R., but he wasn’t telling the whole truth either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin had picked up his messages the previous night before going to bed and he was relieved to think this ordeal
was nearly over. And now this morning, he rang the hotel and spoke to Ethan and, much to Justin’s relief, had
learned that Tony would also be present at the hotel to receive the completed artwork and have lunch. With any luck
it would mean he and Ethan wouldn’t be alone.
When he arrived at the hotel, expecting to meet them in the restaurant, Justin was a little surprised to be asked to
meet up with them in Ethan’s room and, when he arrived, lunch had been set up there; Champagne, smoked salmon
and caviar.
“Why not?” said Ethan, smiling. “After all … the recording company’s paying,” but Justin couldn’t help but notice
that only too places had been set.
“Oh yeah,” said Ethan, over his shoulder, as he poured out the Champagne. “Tony’s going to be a little late … he
said not to wait for him,” and he passed Justin a glass and the blond took just a sip; he wanted to keep a clear head
and he was a little concerned that Tony hadn’t yet arrived. He didn’t want to be here any longer than absolutely
necessary.
“Come on, Justin … drink up … don’t let me drink on my own,” asked Ethan and he touched Justin’s glass with his
own.
“Here’s to both our success,” smiled Ethan and he swallowed down his glass of Champagne. Not wanting to seem
impolite, Justin did the same and wondered why Ethan kept on talking instead of sitting down to eat; maybe he was
waiting until Tony joined them after all.
Justin tried to refuse a re-fill, but Ethan had topped up his glass before he had a chance to object. “Ethan … I’m
driving and it won’t look good to Tony if he finds us both canned when he arrives.”
Ethan took no notice of his protestations and continued to speak and slowly, Justin was starting to find it difficult to
concentrate on what he was saying and the room began to sway: obviously the effects of the alcohol on an empty
stomach were starting to take effect.
Justin felt himself wobble and Ethan reached out a hand to steady him.
“Whoa,” said the man, holding him up. “Looks like I’m gonna have to take care of you.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin had no idea how long he’d been asleep, but slowly, he started to wake. His head was thumping and he fought
to keep from throwing up.
He opened his eyes and tried to sit up. The drapes were closed, the room only partially lit and everything was still
spinning and he closed his eyes and lay back down on the pillows, hoping it would slow down. Surely, he hadn’t had
that much to drink?
After a few minutes, Justin opened his eyes again. Gradually, he began to be more aware and realized he was naked
and in bed, but he couldn’t remember going home.
“I wondered when you were going to wake up,” said the voice beside him and slowly, Justin rolled over.
“Ethan?” And the man lying next to him lent across and kissed him on the shoulder.
“I knew you still cared,” whispered Ethan. “And I still love you,” and the full horror of what they’d done started to
dawn on Justin.
Justin fought to regain his senses. He had to get out of that room and away from Ethan, but Christ, what had he
done? How could he betray Brian, after everything they’d been through, getting back together?
Justin threw back the covers and stumbled to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He stepped in the shower,
wanting to remove every trace of Ethan that remained on his body and he turned on the water as hot as he could
stand it.
Going back into the other room, a clean towel wrapped around his waist, he found Ethan still in bed and drinking
Champagne. He was smiling.
“What are you going to tell Brian?” he asked him, but Justin grabbed his clothes off the floor and started to dress.
“Justin … you can’t leave it like this … not after what we’ve just done,” but Justin shook his head.
“This should NEVER have happened,” stated Justin, raising his voice, but his head just started thumping louder and
he thought he might pass out again. He steadied himself on the dresser and then grabbed his jacket and headed for
the door, leaving a smiling Ethan in bed behind him as he falteringly made his way down to the hotel reception. It
wasn’t quite as late as Justin expected, but it was nearly midnight and he knew he was in no fit state to drive. He
would have to take a cab and come back for his car in daylight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although Justin had said he wasn’t going to be around during the day, Brian had expected him to be home long
before now or at least call to say he would be this late. He’d tried his cell, but it had been switched off and Brian was
now pacing the floor, debating what to do next. He’d started to think Justin might have had an accident and had
already called the hospitals nearest to the office and to home, but no one answering the younger man’s description
had been admitted and the Police wouldn’t be interested until he’d been missing for at least 24 hours, so Brian
would just have to sit and wait it out.
Just when he thought he’d go out of his mind with worry, Brian heard the car draw up outside and went to the
window and saw Justin get out of the cab. On the journey home, Justin had fought to clear his head, but he still had
little recollection of what had happened. However, waking up naked next to Ethan didn’t leave much to the
imagination.
Quickly, Brian took off his robe and got into bed. The last thing he wanted to do was make a big deal out of Justin
being out late and not letting him know. After all, it wasn’t like he was a kid who couldn’t be out on his own at this
time of night and they were supposed to be able to trust one another and a few minutes later, he watched as Justin
quietly closed the bedroom door behind him and made his way across the floor.
The drapes were still partly open and moonlight softly illuminated the room as Justin undressed quickly and it was
only when Brian pulled back the covers that Justin realized the man was still awake and had been watching him.
Smiling weakly and not inviting any conversation, he sank into the mattress and slowly, Brian pulled the covers up
over them and Justin turned on his side facing away from Brian, who rolled towards him.
Brian closed his eyes and swallowed. He could smell the soap on Justin’s skin and he reached out to touch the blond
hair in such a way that Justin was completely unaware, but Brian could feel it was still damp. Why the fuck had he
taken a shower if it wasn’t so that Brian couldn’t detect another man on him?
Thankfully, sleep overtook Justin fairly quickly, but the look on Brian’s face as he watched him get into bed brought
the tears to Justin’s eyes. Could Brian possibly know where he’d been and who he’d been with? He’d fucked up;
again.
Brian closed his eyes, trying to force the lump in his throat to go down and he wondered why it was things just
seemed to come full circle.
-oOo-
Chapter Five:
Gus had already left for school with a new friend and Brian was sitting at the breakfast table, not that he had any
appetite to eat. He’d woken at 5:00am., had showered and dressed for work and had then got Gus’ breakfast, leaving
Justin still asleep and had consumed countless cups of coffee since coming down to the kitchen.
Justin stumbled down a little before 9:00, surprised to find Brian still at home and went to pour himself a cup of
coffee. He stood with his back to the counter, drinking from his cup and he watched as Brian read the morning
newspaper.
“Aren’t you going in today?” asked Justin eventually and Brian nodded and folded up the paper. “Yes, but there’s no
rush … perks of being your own boss … you can choose your own hours.”
“What happened to you last night?” asked Brian, casually. He looked at Justin, waiting for his answer and knowing
full well they couldn’t exactly avoid the situation: to do so would just be burying his head in the sand. Justin
scratched behind his ear. “I … I ended up taking the publisher out to dinner and we had too much to drink so I left
my car and got a cab … sorry … I was pretty wasted when I got home,” and he turned away, hoping the other man
couldn’t read the obvious lie in his eyes.
The excuse sounded totally plausible, but the catch in Justin’s voice and the very fact that he turned away as he
spoke, gave Brian the answer he needed. Justin was lying. He’d seen the deceit in his face last night and now he
heard it in his tone. Whether or not there had been an appointment with a publisher, that wasn’t what had kept him
away from home until after midnight or what had required him to take a shower before he returned to Brian.
“I’ll give you a ride back to your car if you like,” offered Brian, but Justin shook his head. “No … thanks … I
already called a cab,” and he returned to the coffee pot and poured himself a refill.
Without a further word, Brian turned and went out into the hallway and collected his coat and attaché case. No
‘Catch you later‘ or ‘See you at dinner‘ or even a goodbye peck on the cheek had passed between them and a
familiar feeling of Justin slipping away crept over him.
Justin gripped the edge of the counter and closed his eyes. He hated lying to Brian, but how could he tell him where
he’d really been? He didn’t love Ethan, he was convinced of that and didn’t have any real memory of what had
happened the previous night, but if Brian ever found out that he’d betrayed him again, then that would surely be the
end of them.
Thirty minutes later, as ordered, the cab arrived to collect Justin and take him back to the hotel parking lot to retrieve
his car. But what he wasn’t aware of was the fact that Brian had waited just down the street and when he’d left home
had followed him and was now watching from a safe distance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Immediately he arrived at his office, Brian closed the door and looked up the number. He took out his cell phone and
when the hotel answered, Brian asked for Ethan Gold. “One moment, Sir,” came the reply and he heard the phone
ring and then the click as it was picked up.
“Ethan Gold.”
Brian’s heart sank as he heard the man’s voice: the final confirmation. Ethan was indeed staying at the hotel where
Justin had left his car overnight and slowly, Brian shut off his phone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next few days passed excruciatingly slowly with them hardly speaking to one another and Justin knew that
somehow and without a shadow of a doubt that Brian was aware he’d slept with another man and he watched as
slowly, Brian retreated behind the barriers Justin had worked so hard to break down.
The older man was withdrawing from him, both physically and emotionally. Brian was pulling away from Justin,
making it his decision to put distance between them. This way, it would be easier to bear when their final parting
eventually came: he wasn’t going to put himself through the same thing that had happened all those years ago. He
wasn’t going to give Justin a choice. It would be Brian who would come to a decision.
Watching Brian’s obvious pain became too much for Justin and he knew he had to confront the man, tell him the
truth and beg his forgiveness and get it all out in the open. Anything had to be better than this, but he couldn’t face
up to the consequences of his actions, knowing how much it would hurt the older man and that it was very likely that
Brian would tell him to go.
And Justin was still confused about Ethan’s motives. If the man loved him like he said he did back in his room, even
though Justin had told him he was in love with Brian, why hadn’t he tried to contact him or left a message for him.
Instead, they’d been no word. If he wanted him, why wasn’t he talking to him, trying to convince him to leave
Brian?
And he wished he could remember more about that afternoon and evening and how come his defenses had been so
low that he’d ended up in bed with Ethan. Had it been all those shared memories of a much happier time together? A
time when Justin truly believed Ethan loved him that had made him succumb to the man’s obvious charms?
Brian and Justin hadn’t made love since before the night when Justin had come home so late; after Justin had shared
another man’s bed and Brian knew this couldn’t go on. To be so close and yet know he no longer belonged to him,
was breaking Brian’s heart and as each day went by, he found it harder to cope. Going into the office, at least Brian
could immerse himself in his work and he was actively looking for someone to replace Justin as Head of the Art
Department and had received several resumes in the mail. With any luck, he should be able to appoint someone
within the next month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was Friday night and Gus was at a friend’s for a sleepover. Brian had left Kinnetik, skipped dinner and was
working in the small office when he heard Justin finally arrive home, come upstairs and go into the bedroom. Brian
had been waiting for him; he knew this had to be done tonight and he followed him in.
The bedroom had always been their sanctuary: their haven. A place to retreat to where they could block out the
outside world.
It hadn’t only been a place for pleasure. It had also been a place for healing and honesty; honesty that only comes
when two people share each other’s body and mind so totally and willingly as these two lovers had done.
But now it was also a place to say goodbye and, as Brian quietly closed the door behind him, he found Justin sitting
on the bed, holding his head in his hands.
“Why, Justin?” he asked him. “Haven’t I done everything you wanted me to?” and Justin looked up at him and
shook his head.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen, Brian … believe me … and I’m still not sure how it did but …”
“And with Ethan?” the older man continued, not giving him a chance to finish.
Slowly, Justin stood up and took a pace towards him. “How did you know it was Ethan?” he asked and Brian sighed.
“I heard the message he left you on the answer phone and … and I found the artwork you’d done,” and he bit his lip
as Justin closed his eyes and shook his head in horror as Brian continued.
“I … I followed you when you went to collect your car and then called the hotel and asked for his room … that’s
how I knew you’d been with him.”
“You followed me?” asked Justin, unable to disguise his growing anger. “You didn’t trust me?” “No, and with good
reason it would seem,” countered Brian and he ran his fingers through his hair. “This isn’t getting us any where … is
it?”
“I don’t love him … I love you,” pleaded Justin, but he could see from the expression in Brian’s eyes that it was too
late to repair the damage. There was nothing left.
“What do you want me to do?” asked Justin quietly and, unlike before, when they’d reached this almost identical
situation all those years ago, Brian could now answer him.
“I can’t do this again, Justin … I need you to leave,” he answered him and he saw Justin’s eyes fill with tears.
“I’m sorry, Brian,” said Justin and the younger man turned away from him and Brian fought to keep his own tears in
check as he walked out of the bedroom and back to his office.
Fifteen minutes later, he heard Justin’s footsteps on the stairs, the front door close and then the sound of the car
engine as he pulled away.
Slowly, Brian closed the office door behind him and made his way back to the bedroom and the room already felt
strangely empty. Justin had packed a suitcase, taking some of his clothes and then Brian caught the glint of metal on
the nightstand and he sat down on the bed and picked up Justin’s wedding band.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The incessant ringing eventually woke him and Brian rolled over, trying to work out where the noise was coming
from and eventually realized it was the doorbell. It was late morning and stumbling down the stairs, he opened the
door to his son, who had been brought home by his friend’s mom.
“Dad, are you okay?” asked Gus as he came in the door carrying the mail which he dropped on the hall table. Brian
rubbed his face. He’d got pretty smashed last night and at the sound of the doorbell had finally woken up after
falling asleep on top of the bed and still fully clothed.
“I’m fine,” snapped his father, turning away and he immediately regretted his tone and he stopped and turned back.
“I’m just pretty tired,” said Brian, by way of explanation and he was trying to keep a headache at bay.
“Gus … can you just watch some DVD’s or something for a couple of hours … I need to get some more sleep.”
“Sure, dad,” answered Gus and he made his way to the living room as Brian headed back upstairs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two hours later, Brian slowly became aware of the shrill of the smoke alarm and suddenly came fully awake as fear
for his son overtook him. Pushing himself up off the bed, he almost lost his footing on the stairs as he rushed to the
source of the noise.
Luckily, Gus had thought to turn off the stove, but he was waving a towel over a flaming pan, trying to get the flame
to go out as Brian stumbled into the kitchen. He grabbed the towel from Gus and quickly ran it under the faucet and,
once soaked, he carefully placed it over the pan, extinguishing the fire.
“Gus … what the hell were you doing?” shouted Brian over the noise of the alarm and he threw open the back door
and all the windows, allowing the smoke to escape.
“I was hungry,” confessed his son, as the alarm stopped. “I was just trying to fix something to eat.” Thankfully, Gus
was unscathed and there was no damage other than a burnt out pan and ruined food, but the boy was ashen-faced
and shaking and upset that he’d angered his father.
Brian looked at him and dropped down in front of the boy and hugged him close. Christ. Gus was all he had now
and he couldn’t even look after him and protect him like he should.
“It’s okay … no harm done … as long as you’re all right,” and he pulled back to look at him and Gus nodded.
Once the kitchen had cleared of smoke, Brian fixed Gus lunch and brushed aside his questions as to Justin’s
whereabouts, but knew he was barely holding things together. Leaving the boy eating at the kitchen table, Brian
went into the living room and picked up the phone and called Debbie.
“Hi Debbie.”
“Hi Brian,” she answered him. “How’s it going?” But Brian couldn’t give the usual polite answer to such enquiries.
“Can you do something for me, Debs?” he continued. “Sure, Brian … what’s up?”
“Can you look after Gus for a few days for me?” Brian knew he had to get his head together and couldn’t do that
and concentrate on his young son at the same time; he’d just demonstrated that.
“Sure ... you and Justin having some time away to yourselves?” asked Debbie, chuckling, but the long pause on the
other end of the line sounded the warning bells and the woman’s tone suddenly became serious.
“What’s wrong, Brian?” But still Brian couldn’t speak and Debbie didn’t need any more of an explanation. “I’ll be
right there,” she told him and she hung up.
Brian returned to the kitchen and sat down in the chair next to Gus. “Gus, how would you like to go and stay with
Debbie for a few days?” Brian asked him and his son looked at him. “What about school?” asked the boy. “I’ll ring
school on Monday and tell them you won’t be going in for a couple of days,” his father told him and Brian looked
down at his hands, which he’d rested on the table.
Gus pushed his plate away. “Where’s Justin?” he asked and eventually, Brian met his gaze. “Justin’s … Justin’s
gone away for a little while,” he answered him, unable to bring himself yet to tell the boy the truth, but Gus couldn’t
miss the sadness in his father’s eyes: a look he hadn’t seen in months.
“Is he coming back?” asked Gus and Brian realized he couldn’t lie. “No,” came the answer and reaching out, Brian
ruffled his son’s hair. “He’s not coming back. Come on … I’ll help you pack a bag,” and father and son went to
Gus’ bedroom to pack enough clothes for a few days.
Whilst they were waiting for Debbie, Brian rang Rosa, their housekeeper who came in during the week for a few
hours each day, kept the house in order, prepared their evening meal and kept Gus company until either Justin or
Brian came home. Brian told her she wouldn’t be needed for a few days and that he was giving her some paid
vacation time. She was a very nice lady, whose younger brother was gay, so wasn’t shocked at working in an all
male household and even had a tendency to fuss over them in a way that reminded Brian of a younger, milder
Debbie, but there was no way he wanted anyone else in the house right now.
Marty drove Debbie over to Brian’s, but he remained in the car when she came up to the house. Gus always enjoyed
staying over at Debbie’s and Brian knew she’d fuss over him and that also she was a link to his past: to his mom’s at
a time when Brian hadn’t been around. A link that Brian wanted to maintain.
Debbie could see that Gus was on the verge of tears as she sent him to join Marty in the car and she ushered Brian
back inside his own house so that she could talk to him alone.
“Okay, Brian Kinney … no bullshit … what’s going on?” asked Debbie, as direct as usual and she saw Brian
struggle to keep from showing any emotion as he walked away from her and sat on the sofa. “Where’s Justin?” she
asked him.
“Justin’s gone,” Brian replied coldly, determined to keep up appearances and not wanting to seem weak, even in
front of an old friend. But Debbie wouldn’t let up. “Gone where?”
“Gone … just gone,” and Brian looked away as Debbie sat down beside him.
“I don’t understand … what happened?” she asked him. “You guys looked so happy,” and Brian shrugged.
“Yeah well, appearances can be deceptive … and at least I know now for sure that it wasn’t meant to happen …
after all … we’re queers and ..”
“Queers don’t get hooked up for life … is that it?” asked Debbie and Brian glanced at her before getting up and
walking over to the side table where he poured himself a drink.
Sure things aren’t always what they seem and Brian was doing a number right here and now; appearing as one thing
and feeling another and Debbie sighed as the old Brian Kinney had started to re-emerge. But she wasn’t going to let
him.
“Now don’t give me any of that couldn’t-give-a-damn bullshit … it’s obvious to anyone who cares to look that you
two are just crazy about each other … love each other. Every relationship goes through a rocky patch, Brian …”
“Does that include fucking someone else?” asked Brian and then immediately regretted what he said. It really wasn’t
anyone else’s business.
“You or Justin?” asked Debbie and Brian couldn’t resist a chuckle. “Well, it wasn’t me … but what the hell…” and
he swallowed his drink and started to pour out another.
“Little early for that, isn’t it?” asked Debbie and Brian shrugged.
“Looks like I was just kidding myself all along,” stated Brian quietly, more to himself than for Debbie to hear and
for a moment, she saw a crack in the armor.
“Brian … if there’s any chance that you two can patch things up … isn’t it worth giving it a try?” But Brian shook
his head. “Not this time, Debs,” and he looked at her. “I can’t let him do it to me again … especially with …” and he
stopped and took a swallow of his drink.
“With who?” asked Debbie and Brian looked at her over his glass. “Ethan Gold,” said Brian, quietly. “Ethan? …
Ethan’s back?” asked Debbie and Brian nodded.
“Shit,” muttered Debbie under her breath. When he and Ethan had met before, she’d thought Justin was probably
better off with someone his own age and who seemed to be able to give him everything he wanted. Brian had never
had a serious relationship; had never wanted one and was determined that Justin wasn’t going to change things. But
Debbie had seen how Justin got to Brian and had challenged him over his feelings for the younger man. Feelings
that, in the end, Brian couldn’t deny.
“So you’re just gonna give up … not even put up a fight?” she asked him, but Brian couldn’t answer her. Truthfully,
he didn’t think he had any fight left.
Debbie sighed; it didn’t look like Brian could be moved on this one. “Well … I don’t like leaving you here on your
own …”
“I’m not going to do anything dumb,” stated Brian. “I love my son too much for that. Besides he’s lost two … three
parents already … I wouldn’t do that to him.”
Debbie stood up. She knew Brian had to work through this for himself, but she hoped the man didn’t withdraw from
everyone in the process. This was when he needed his friends the most.
“Looks like Mikey was right all along,” suggested Brian, as Debbie turned to leave. “But don’t tell him I said that,”
and he managed a weak smile.
Brian walked Debbie down the hall to the front door and they hugged.
“Now don’t you go worrying about Gus, ‘cos he’ll be just fine … you take care of yourself, kiddo,” and Brian
nodded and closed the door behind her and he picked up the mail that Gus had brought in with him earlier and took
it through to the kitchen.
Absentmindedly, Brian started to sort the mail. It was the usual circulars and credit card statements, including one
for Justin and as Brian picked up the bulky envelope marked for his attention with “PERSONAL &
CONFIDENTIAL” in large letters written across the top, the phone rang, but he made no attempt to answer it. Just
as well, as he heard Justin’s voice on the answer phone.
“Brian … it’s me. I thought I’d better let you know that I’m at mom’s in case you need to get in touch or forward
any mail. I’ll … I’ll call in a couple of days about collecting more of my things. Love to Gus. Bye …”
Brian closed his eyes at the sound of Justin’s voice. The other man sounded like he felt: desolate and empty. There
was so much they were going to have to do now, going their separate ways, even after such a short time together.
Forwarding the mail was the least thing on his mind.
Brian opened his eyes, his brow furrowed in curiosity as he tore open the envelope he was holding and had to fight
to keep down the wave of nausea that coursed though him as he inspected the contents.
Slowly, Brian sat down in the chair and his hands shook as he spread the photographs out on the table. He thought
he might cry, but he was passed that now. Instead, he felt as if his heart had been ripped from his chest as what he
was looking at registered in his head. If he needed confirmation then the 8 x 10 color photographs was it.
Various photographs of Justin, lying on his back: Ethan leaning over him and with his hand on the blond’s belly or
on his thigh or sitting astride him.
And then there were others:
Justin, lying on his belly: head to one side and being fucked by Ethan.
Then there was the note: ‘Do you still think he loves you?’
And Brian couldn’t stop staring at them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The rest of the day passed in a haze of alcohol and Brian eventually fell asleep on the sofa, the photographs falling
to the floor as he did so.
When he next woke, it was early morning and the sunlight was shining in through the windows. He groaned: the
ache in his head matching the stiffness in his back as he sat up. And that’s when he saw them again. The
photographs scattered on the floor.
Everything he and Justin had talked about for the future had gone down the pan. He’d bought this beautiful house
for them all to share and to finally be a family and it had all been for nothing. He’d opened up his heart and allowed
someone in and it had been broken into a million pieces.
If this was love then he now knew for sure how right he’d been avoiding it all those years. He didn’t need this crap.
There was no way he could ever allow himself to fall in love again and Brian tried to turn the wedding band around
on his finger and take it off, but his hands were hot and it wouldn’t budge. “Shit,” and he rubbed his face with his
hands.
Slowly, Brian reached down and gathered the photographs up off the floor and that’s when he realized what it was
he was actually looking at.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jennifer Taylor eventually opened the door. In the end she was forced to, such was the never-ending hammering it
was receiving under Brian’s fist and he tried to push passed her.
“Where is he, Jennifer? … he isn’t picking up my calls … I need to see him.”
“He’s not here, Brian,” she answered, catching Brian by the elbow and preventing him from entering the house
further. It was late morning and needing to talk to Justin face to face, Brian had taken a couple of painkillers and
consumed several mugs of black coffee and had then showered and shaved before heading over and he was in no
mood to be messed about. His head was still pounding too much.
He stepped back. “Don’t lie to me … his goddamn car’s outside,” and this time he managed to get passed her.
“JUSTIN … JUSTIN!”
“Brian … he’s too upset right now …” “Tough … I wanna see him,” but Jennifer stood her ground.
“Brian, I must ask you to leave. If you don’t … I’ll call the Police and I don’t think any of us need a scene right now
… do you?”
Brian stopped and turned back to her. “Tell him I need to speak to him … please?” and Jennifer nodded; shocked to
see Brian so obviously hurt and hear the pleading in his voice. Reluctantly, Brian left and Jennifer closed the door
behind him and she turned round to see her son standing halfway up the stairs.
“Was he very angry?” he asked, but Jennifer shook her head. “Well … I wouldn’t call it angry, but he looked pretty
upset and … to be honest, dear … I don’t think I can really blame him … do you?”
Having presented himself on her doorstep two nights before, Justin had in the end, broken down and it had all
spilled out, much to his mother’s horror. If anyone was going to screw their relationship, then her money had been
on Brian. But instead, her son had sat on the sofa and tearfully told her how he’d cheated on the man he loved.
The phone rang and they both looked over to it; neither of them moving to answer and they let it go on to the
machine. It was Brian.
“Justin … I need to talk to you … it’s important. Please come round to the house so that we can talk face to face …
you owe me that much at least,” and Jennifer brushed her son’s cheek with her hand and Justin closed his eyes.
Brian was right. That was the very least he owed him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nervously, Justin rang the doorbell. He wasn’t really looking forward to this, as it was unlikely Brian wanted to talk
about salvaging their relationship; the look in his face when he told him to leave had said everything about how over
it really was. No, this was more likely to do with sorting out their joint finances, his possessions and when was he
going empty his studio and Justin hadn’t even thought what he was going to do about his business. He would have to
try and find a place of his own to live and work out of if he wanted to continue working for himself.
Brian opened the door. “You lose your key?” he asked him, turning around and walking back into the house and not
waiting for an answer.
No, Justin hadn’t lost his key, it just didn’t feel right to use it. Christ. It wasn’t that long ago that he’d felt the same
way pitching up on Tim’s doorstep and now he was doing it again.
Justin followed Brian into the dining room. “We really need to talk,“ stated Brian, looking back over his shoulder. “I
know,” answered Justin. “I’ll start moving my stuff out …”
“That’s not what I mean. Come over here … I need you to look at these.”
Brian walked over to the table and the blond followed him. Laid out on the dining table were the photographs of him
and Ethan and Justin recoiled in horror.
“What the …” and Justin looked at Brian in total shock.
“Fuck you … Brian!” He yelled at him and he took a step backwards before he turned and fled.
“Justin … wait … I had nothing to do with this …”
Brian caught up with Justin in the hallway and caught him by the arm and spun him around to face him and Justin
pushed him away. “Fuck off Brian ... it’s bad enough I know what I did without you rubbing my nose in it …”
“I’m not rubbing your nose in it!” yelled Brian back at him. “Come back and look at the photographs,” but Justin
tried to go passed him.
Brian grabbed Justin’s wrist and put an arm around his waist. With all the strength he could muster, he turned the
blond around, catching him off balance and he forced him back into the dining room, all the time with Justin pulling
against his hold.
“Let go of me … Brian,” Justin pleaded with him. The quick glance he’d taken of what lay on the table had been
enough to turn his stomach and now Brian was about to torture him with what he had done.
Unceremoniously, Brian pushed Justin down into one of the dining room chairs. “Look at the goddamn
photographs,” and he held Justin by the shoulders, preventing him from getting up. Justin gasped and lent his elbows
on the table and covered his face with his hands and Brian pulled up another chair alongside him and sat down.
“Justin … please … look at the photographs.” Brian had taken a deep breath and lowered his voice as he realized he
was scaring the younger man, who continued to hide behind his hands.
“Justin … I’m not doing this to hurt you … please … trust me,” and Brian stroked Justin’s hair and placed his hand
on the younger man’s arm.
Slowly, Justin lowered his hands. “What do you want me to say Brian?” he asked, his eyes brimming with tears.
“That I’m sorry?”
“I AM SORRY … I wish to God this had never happened …” but Brian shook his head and interrupted him.
“Justin … look at these … tell me what’s wrong with them.” Justin tried to look at the photographs as asked, but
took in a sharp breath and looked away, so Brian continued.
“Well … how come these were taken in the first place? Why did Ethan do this?” he asked him, but Justin could only
manage a slight shrug, still unable to take in what was happening.
“Okay,” continued Brian, picking up one of the photographs. “You’re the artist … the one with the trained eye …
what’s wrong with them?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” said Justin at last and Brian pointed to the images of the lovers.
“Well … there’s 10 … 12 photographs here … and in not one of them do you have your eyes open.” Justin shook
his head. “I still don’t know what you’re getting at.”
“Justin … look at yourself. There’s not one flicker of emotion ... not one scrap of pleasure on your face,” and Justin
looked at him and frowned and Brian tilted his head towards the photographs.
Slowly, Justin turned to look at the photographs and picked up first one and then another and another and Brian
sighed in relief as the truth eventually dawned.
“I’m out cold!” stated Justin, hoarsely, and Brian nodded. “You were either drunk or drugged.”
“I was sure I hadn’t had too much to drink,” stated Justin. “I mean … I wanted to get the meeting over with as soon
as possible and I had my car with me .. and I was going on to see a publisher ... I had no intention of getting
smashed.”
“Then you were drugged … he probably used one of the date rape drugs.”
“But don’t they turn blue or something?” asked Justin and Brian shook his head.
“Only the newer stuff … if he used the older type … you wouldn’t have known anything about it.”
“But why?” asked Justin, his voice breaking. “He said he loved me … even though he knew I was with you.”
“This isn’t love, Justin,” stated Brian. “This is hate … hate and revenge.”
“He wanted to get back at you for leaving him and by doing this he hoped to finish us too.”
And suddenly, the full impact of what had happened overwhelmed Justin. “He … he raped me,” he whispered; the
pain and horror so obvious in his face. “But … I’d know … wouldn’t I?” he asked and Brian took Justin’s hand. “If
you were unconscious … your body would have been relaxed … there wouldn’t have been any resistance.”
Justin pulled away from Brian and his hand flew up to his mouth and he tried to swallow. He got up suddenly,
knocking over the chair as he did so and ran out of the room and up the stairs. Brian followed him to the bathroom,
to find Justin on his knees in front of the toilet bowl and emptying his stomach.
Nothing more would come, but Justin continued to wretch on an empty stomach and then gently, Brian helped him
to his feet and over to the sink. Turning on the cold water, Justin splashed his face and took a drink, swilling the
water around in his mouth and then spitting it out.
Brian passed him a towel and Justin buried his face in the soft material as the older man rubbed the back of Justin’s
neck. Lowering his hands, Justin looked at Brian’s reflection in the mirror and he tried to regain his composure.
“Justin,” said Brian, softly. “I think there’s something else you need to think about,” and the blond turned to face
him. “I think you better get yourself checked out … just in case.”
“What?” whispered Justin, not fully comprehending what Brian was saying. “Well … who knows what was going
on in Ethan’s head when he did this …”
This was the last straw; the final humiliation and Justin felt his whole world crumble as he sank against Brian’s
chest and the older man wrapped his arms around him as Justin broke down.
Half carrying the younger man, Brian helped Justin into the bedroom and sat him down on the bed. “I’m sorry,”
whispered the younger man, totally distraught and Brian sat beside him, rubbing his back. “Hey … this isn’t your
fault … Ethan set this whole thing up,” but Justin shook his head. “I should have told you I was meeting him …
been up front with you from the start.”
“Well,” frowned Brian. “The fact that you felt you couldn’t probably says a lot more about me than it does about
you. But that doesn’t matter now.”
“What you need now is a good night’s sleep … and then in the morning … we’ll go and get you tested.”
Happy to let Brian take control, Justin allowed the older man to undress him and put him to bed and then Brian
undressed himself and climbed in beside him. Justin was still a little unsure of how Brian now felt about him, but
that was made clear when the older man moved in close. Justin hesitated for just a moment before moving into Brian
and he closed his eyes as Brian’s arms enveloped him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin woke to the sound of Brian’s voice. The older man had been up a little while and was showered and dressed
and he placed a cup of coffee on the nightstand and gently shook Justin by the shoulder as he softly called his name.
Brian smiled at him as Justin opened his eyes. “Morning …” “Morning,” answered Justin, his voice a little raspy
from his crying the night before and his beautiful blue eyes still showed evidence of the tears they’d shed. “What
time is it?”
“A little after 9,” came the answer. “Do you wanna go and get showered? … We have an appointment shortly,” and
Justin closed his eyes again as the memories of the revelations of the night before came flooding back to him.
Slowly, he threw back the covers and sat on the edge of the bed and then Justin took a couple of swallows of coffee
before he made his way to the bathroom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor had taken the blood samples and Brian asked how long before they would have the results. “Two to three
weeks should do it,” came the reply and Justin closed his eyes. How in God’s name would he last out that long
without knowing for sure? Wanting to support Justin, Brian had offered to get himself checked out also. But what he
hadn’t told Justin was that he was the only man he’d been with since his last test.
“Can’t we get the results any sooner?” asked Brian, taking hold of Justin’s hand. “Well, you can get the results in a
couple of hours … if you want to pay the extra fee,” answered the doctor.
“Thank you, doctor,” answered Brian. “We’ll pay the extra,” and before Justin could find his own credit card, Brian
smiled at him, got up and followed the doctor out to the desk to make the appropriate payment.
Brian wanted to take Justin for coffee, to get him away from the doctor’s office while they waited for the results, but
he wouldn’t go. So instead, Brian tried to keep up a conversation, but it was obvious the younger man’s mind was
elsewhere and after a few minutes Brian gave up and they sat in silence.
Justin couldn’t believe what a fool he’d been. Why hadn’t he seen through Ethan’s little charade? Was he really that
gullible? Was it because he’d once been in love with the man that he hoped Ethan still had enough feelings to be
honest with him; an honesty that Ethan couldn’t manage during their relationship?
Instead, Ethan had used him and abused him and he didn’t even know for sure whether the man had used protection.
He couldn’t trust that Ethan had that much respect for him. Maybe he never had.
And who was it now sitting beside him and offering all the love and support he needed?
Brian.
It was Brian who was prepared to overlook the fact that he’d kept his meetings with Ethan a secret.
It was Brian who had worked out what Ethan’s little game was and still loved Justin enough to want to support him
through this ordeal.
It was Brian who had also taken the test along with him. A test that Justin somehow doubted he needed, but was the
older man’s way of saying he was right there with him.
And, as they sat outside the doctor’s office, it was Brian who took his hand and told him that no matter what the
outcome that he loved him and that he’d be there for him and that they were still a family, if that’s what Justin
wanted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Mr. Kinney … Mr. Taylor,” called the doctor and Justin started at the sound of his name being called: bringing him
back to reality.
“Do you want to come in separately or …”
“Thank you, doctor,” answered Brian. “We’ll come in together,” and he stood and held out his hand to Justin and,
hand in hand, they followed the doctor back inside his office.
Taking their seats, Justin swallowed hard and tried to stop from shaking as the doctor took his place behind his desk.
For what seemed an eternity, the man looked through his notes and said nothing and then he looked at first Justin
and then Brian. He smiled. “Negative … you’re both in the clear.”
Brian smiled and the relief on Justin’s face couldn’t be more obvious, but the doctor hadn’t finished. “You should
both be tested again in about six months, just to be absolutely sure … but I wouldn’t worry too …” and Justin got to
his feet, just wanting to get out of there.
After having shaken the doctor’s hand, Justin couldn’t get out fast enough and they made their exit, but not before
the doctor had made sure he’d got his point across as to how lucky they were and not to take chances again. That it
wasn’t just HIV they were at risk from by having unprotected sex, but various other STD’s as well. A lesson Justin
had been well aware of ever since he was 17 years old and one Brian had taken great pains to remind him.
Once outside the office, reality finally sunk home and Justin clung to Brian and then Brian kissed him. “Can we go
home?” asked Justin softly. “Sure,” answered the older man. “But then there’s something we must do.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“What the hell are you doing?” asked Justin in horror, as Brian rang Ethan’s hotel and asked for him by name and
Brian put a hand up to stop him as Ethan answered. They’d come straight back from the doctor’s and all Justin
wanted to do was to be with Brian and back in his own home, but Brian obviously had other ideas.
“Ethan … it’s Brian Kinney,” and Brian could hear the surprise in the other man’s voice.
“Brian? … Then I take it you got my little package?” the other man asked him.
“Yes I did,” came the answer. “And I want to thank you and see if we can’t come to some sort of arrangement.”
There was a pause on the other end of the line as Ethan tried to work out what Brian meant, but in the end he had to
ask. “I’m not sure I understand what …”
“Well, you’ve shown me what a fool I’ve been … but that isn’t something I want the whole world to know … so …
I assume the negatives are up for sale?”
Ethan smiled to himself. This wasn’t something he’d even considered, but why not? He’d got even with Justin,
ruined his relationship with Kinney and would make a little cash into the bargain.
“How much?” continued Brian, waiting for Ethan’s response. “10 thousand,” came the eventual reply and Brian
repeated the amount, specifically for Justin’s ears.
Justin moved towards Brian. As far as he was concerned he wanted to forget the episode with Ethan had ever
happened, but Brian wasn’t prepared to let it go.
“Okay,” continued Brian. “Give me an hour … I’ll come over to the hotel,” and he rang off.
“10 thousand? Is that all I’m worth?” asked Justin, but Brian pulled him close and lent down to kiss him. And
Brian’s kiss told Justin that his worth was totally incalculable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ethan answered after the first knock and stood back to allow Brian entry. “Well … Brian Kinney … after all these
years …”
“Cut the crap … we both know why we’re here … so let’s get this over with.”
Ethan smiled, it didn’t sound like Brian had changed that much over the years at all and he moved over to the bed
and picked up a packet containing the negatives, kicking himself for not thinking ahead and buying himself a digital
camera, as these were the only evidence he had of Justin‘s indiscretion.
“You’ve got my money?” asked Ethan and Brian nodded.
Ethan chuckled and then handed Brian the packet, which Brian opened and he took a quick glance inside.
Brian then reached into his pocket and pulled out a coin, which he tossed at Ethan. Taken by surprise, Ethan took a
step back as he caught the coin.
“What the fuck’s this … a nickel?” asked Ethan and Brian nodded. “And that’s being generous,” stated Brian and he
opened the door behind him and Justin stepped inside the room.
“These are worthless, Ethan,” Brian informed him and indicating the packet. “We’re on to your little game …and it
didn’t work. If anything … we’re more solid now than we were before,” and Justin’s heart leapt at hearing Brian’s
words. If he’d needed more confirmation of just how much the man loved him, than this was it.
Ethan chuckled and nodded and looked down at the ground. He’d been outsmarted and if anything, he’d only served
to push them even closer together.
Putting the packet of negatives in his coat pocket, Brian turned to leave, but Justin put a hand on his arm.
“Ethan … I have to know … did you rape me?” and Brian glanced from Ethan to the blond and back again, dreading
the reply.
Slowly, Ethan shook his head. “No … I didn’t … it was just set up to look like we were fucking.”
“In the end … seeing you lying there … so … so vulnerable … so beautiful … I couldn’t,” and Justin felt the wave
of relief flood through him as he and Brian turned to leave.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At last Justin remembered to call his mother. Jennifer was frantic, not having heard from him for so long and he
promised he’d call round and explain what had happened. But he told her not to worry and that he was back with
Brian and that everything had worked out fine. They were okay.
In fact, they were more than okay and going back home, barely made it up the stairs before they started to pull off
their clothes.
“You know … I can remember the time when we fucked practically anywhere,” Justin reminded him as they almost
fell through the bedroom door.
“Yeah … well … I actually prefer the comfort of my own bed these days,” admitted Brian, pulling Justin down on
top of him and he rolled him onto his back.
Brian reached into the nightstand drawer and took out the condoms and lube and smiled as their usual routine took
over. Suddenly, Justin put his hand under Brian’s chin and tilted his head to face him. “I don’t want to take any
chances … I wanna wait and get checked again in 6 months … but … after then … can we not bother with these?”
Brian smiled and looked down. He’d never barebacked with anyone. He’d never been in a monogamous relationship
before and he nodded in agreement. There was nothing he wanted more than to be as physically close to the younger
man as he could.
“I so love you,” whispered Justin and Brian smiled back. “I love you too,” and he moved forwards. between Justin’s
legs.
Never had their lovemaking been so sweet. These last few days, becoming more remote from each other before
Justin had moved out, had in some ways been more painful than when he’d left all those years before, having had
him back in his life again. And when Justin had left just a couple of nights ago, Brian had thought that it would be
forever, but now realized he should never have doubted Justin’s love for him and that if anything the young man
showed what a good heart he had by trusting Ethan. A trust that had ultimately been abused.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin woke to find himself alone in bed and, wrapping his robe around himself, went looking for Brian. He found
him in the living room, sitting on the rug and with a fire burning in the hearth.
“Brian … what are you doing? It’s not cold enough to light a fire …” and Brian looked over his shoulder and, as he
approached him, Justin saw the photographs and negatives in his hand.
Brian smiled and turned back and carefully placed the offensive material on the fire and Justin sat down beside him
and they both watched as it went up in flames.
They sat in the fire glow and Justin linked his arm through Brian’s and rested his head on the older man’s shoulder.
This was the past finally being laid to rest: no longer would it come back to haunt them. And not for the first time
did Justin wonder at Brian’s capacity to love. A capacity denied for so long, but now all-consuming. Like the
flames.
“Oh,“ said Brian. “I think this is yours,” and pulling away from Justin he reached inside the pocket of his robe and
took out the small box, which he opened. And, for the second and final time, he placed the wedding band on Justin’s
finger.
Justin looked at the gold band and smiled. Ethan had once given him a ring, a ring tarnished and worthless by
comparison to the one now on his hand. Tarnished and worthless, just like Ethan’s love for him and Justin lent
towards Brian and kissed him, slowly pulling on the belt of Brian’s robe.
“Just as well this is a comfortable rug,” whispered Brian, as Justin’s mouth closed over his.
-oOo-
Chapter Six:
It was a very painful time for Justin, coming to terms with the depths of Ethan’s deception. He was shocked at the
lengths the man had been prepared to go to in order to reap his revenge for Justin leaving him all those years before.
Even though Ethan had demonstrated how incapable he was of fidelity by cheating on Justin during their
relationship, Justin had never thought he would stoop so low and, waking up beside Brian, even after just a couple of
days apart, felt so good and made Justin realize just how lucky he was.
They’d eventually made it up to bed in the early hours of the morning, after watching the embers fade to just a
glimmer in the hearth and, immensely happy and satisfied, had fallen asleep in each other’s arms. The following
morning neither of them said very much; that was still to come. But they both knew what they must do and that was
to never again let a secret come between them, no matter how painful it might be for either of them.
Drying himself off after getting out of the shower, Brian had paused to put his arms around the younger man as
Justin stood in front of the sink. He’d just finished brushing his teeth and leaned back into the older man; looking at
their reflections in the mirror and Justin turned his head in order to kiss him.
Brian didn’t have to say very much. Justin realized how close they’d come this time to losing everything. If Brian
had cared just that fraction less he might very well have missed what those photographs Ethan had sent him were
really saying. He could have taken them at face value for what they were meant to be and tossed Justin aside instead
of seeing the truth and giving Justin the benefit of the doubt.
And now, Brian smiled as he felt Justin run his fingers across his shoulders as the younger man walked passed him
and sat down beside him at the breakfast table, where Brian had placed two cups of steaming coffee.
“Justin,” said Brian at last and Justin sighed; this was the conversation he’d been expecting.
“Don’t Brian … I know what an idiot I’ve been …”
“You’re not an idiot,” countered Brian. “You trusted Ethan … even I didn’t think he was capable of trying
something like that. You have more faith in people than I have and considering what you’ve been through … don’t
ever lose that … okay?” and Justin smiled and took a sip from his cup and Brian could see how awkward Justin still
felt, knowing how close he’d come to pushing them over the edge.
“We have to draw a line under this, Justin,” continued Brian. “No more going back. I don’t want to be constantly
looking over my shoulder all the time … just waiting for the next thing that the past is gonna throw up at us,” and he
took Justin’s hand.
“I know I put this ring back on your finger last night,” he continued. “But I’m gonna ask you one more time if this is
what you really want.”
“Apart from anything else … I’m nearly 41 for chrissakes. When I hit 50 you won’t even be 40 …” Reaching out,
Justin squeezed Brian’s hand. His other hand he put to the older man’s lips; wanting to stop him from going any
further.
“I love you, Brian … but I know you must have your doubts … after Ethan,” stated Justin and he sighed and
withdrew his hand from Brian’s. “Why is it always me who fucks up? I know you always got the blame … but at
least you didn’t make promises you knew you couldn’t keep.”
“I was the one who made the rules … no kissing anyone else … no fucking anyone more than once … but it was
always me who broke them ...”
“You were pretty young back then,” interrupted Brian. “Too young to tie yourself down to just one guy. And I didn’t
always give you much of a choice, did I?”
“I mean … if I wasn’t prepared to give myself … well … then … why should you?”
“Can you ever trust me?” asked Justin and Brian smiled. “I always thought I’d be the one asking that question,” he
replied and then he frowned.
“Looking back … I have to admit … there’s a lot that I’m not particularly proud of … but I swear I haven’t got the
energy to waste on worrying about it any more … what’s done is done and can’t be undone.”
“But we’ve a future ahead of us now … you, me and Gus. That’s all I care about … nothing else. Do I make myself
clear on that?” he asked him and Justin nodded.
Yes, Brian had made things quite clear: crystal clear in fact. Whatever had happened in the past was best left there
and Justin was quite happy to go along with anything Brian said at this point; feeling as he did that he owed the man
big time for being so understanding.
“What are you going to do about Gus?” asked Justin, acknowledging Brian’s wish to no longer dwell on the past.
“Well,” replied Brian. “How about we have a couple of days to ourselves … I can ring Debs and see if he can stay
there.”
“I’d like that,” answered Justin, smiling at him. “Great,” replied Brian. “Then I’ll just need to call Becky and tell her
I … we … won’t be in for a couple of days.”
Debbie answered the phone on the second ring, relieved that Brian sounded okay as she’d hated leaving him on his
own when she’d collected Gus. He’d been pretty down; much like he’d been when he lost Justin the first time
around and she’d been worrying about him.
“Debbie … it’s Brian.”
“Hi Brian … you doing okay?” she asked him, turning her back on the room so that Gus couldn’t hear.
“I’m fine,” came the answer. “In actual fact … I’m more than fine and if it’s okay with you … can you keep Gus for
another day or so?”
“Sure Brian … would be happy to.”
“Is he giving you any problems?”
“Nah, apart from the fact that I now know Spiderman backwards … he’s no trouble at all … I love having him here
and we’ve been having some pretty good talks.”
“Uh-Oh,” frowned Brian. “That sounds ominous. You wouldn’t be filling the kid’s head with horror stories about
his ol’ man now would you, Debbie?” asked Brian and Debbie chuckled. “’Course not … but we’ve been having
some pretty good chats about his moms … and of course I might have slipped in the odd story about what his dad
was like when he wasn’t that much older than Gus is now …” and Brian groaned.
“Thanks Debbie.”
“Only too pleased to oblige,” came the chuckled answer and Brian shook his head, trying to remember all the
scrapes he’d got into as a kid and all the times he’d been chewed out by his surrogate mom.
“Well I’m glad you two are having such a good time,” continued Brian. “Only Justin and I would like to spend a
little time on our own.”
“You two sorted everything out?” asked Debbie, hopefully and Brian smiled across the room at his partner. “Yes …
we’re back on track … it was all a … a huge mistake … but we could do with some time on our own before Gus
comes back … so would that be okay?”
“More than happy to, Brian … I’m so pleased to hear that,” smiled Debbie, greatly relieved.
“Thanks Debs. Can I have a word with him?”
“Sure … I’ll put him on”.
“Gus … it’s your dad,” called Debbie and the boy raced across the room to take the phone from her.
“Hi, dad.”
“Hi champ… you okay … you behaving yourself for Debbie?”
“’Course I am, dad,” answered the boy indignantly.
“And you’re having a good time?”
“Sure,” answered his son. “Then you won’t mind staying another couple of days?” asked Brian. “Well, no …”
replied the boy, cautiously sensing there was something else. “Is everything okay, dad?”
“Everything’s fine, but Justin and me …”
“Justin’s back?” exclaimed Gus, unable to hide his delight. “Yeah,” answered his father.
“Justin’s back … we’ve sorted everything out and everything’s gonna be just fine.”
“Is he staying?” asked Gus. “Yes, he’s staying … so there’s nothing for you to worry about … you just have a good
time at Deb’s and I’ll get you in a couple of days. Does that sound okay to you?”
“That’s brilliant, dad. Give my love to Justin.”
“I will.”
“Love you, dad.”
“Love you too, Gus. How about you pass me back to Deb’s.”
“Okay, dad. Bye.”
“Bye, Gus.”
“Hi Brian.”
“Debs ... I’ll see you in a couple of days. It won’t be any longer … I don’t want Gus to miss any more school on our
account.” Brian paused. “And thanks Debs … I always know who I can count on.”
“It’s no trouble, Brian … you know that. Now … you get back to that man of yours and you give Sunshine a big hug
for me … okay?”
“You’ve gotta deal,” answered Brian and they rang off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Over the next couple of days they talked and walked and cooked together and, even though it wasn’t really cold
enough, Brian and Justin curled up in front of the open fire of an evening and watched old movies.
And they made love and then ate breakfast in bed and planned how they were going to get Justin’s business back on
track. He had no idea what, if anything, would come of the work he’d done for the recording company. He’d
fulfilled his commitments, so by rights he should get paid for all the hours he’d put in, but Justin shuddered at the
thought of having to have any sort of contact again with Mr. Gold, even though Brian thought he should phone Tony
Marshall and sort out what was owed him.
“It’s business,” stated Brian and Justin knew he was right. Why should he run away with his tail between his legs?
Justin had done nothing to be ashamed of and there was no reason he should be left unpaid for the work he’d done.
And it would be a way of illustrating to Ethan how Justin had risen above everything the man had tried to do.
“I’ll think about it,” said Justin and Brian left it at that; knowing Justin would do it in his own time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two days later, Brian and Justin collected Gus from Debbie’s, who’d already cut back on her hours in the diner and
was due to marry Marty in the fall. Debbie had enjoyed spending time with Gus. He was, after all, practically her
grandson.
Gus was still packing his things away when Brian went up to the bedroom to fetch him. He’d been staying in
Mikey’s old room; a room Brian had slept in many times as a kid when he was trying to avoid going home and Brian
felt a pang of nostalgia as he opened the door and watched Gus put the last of his things in his holdall.
The room brought back a whole load of good memories and Brian missed Mikey’s friendship and it still hurt him
that his oldest friend didn’t seem to want to acknowledge his relationship with Justin.
“Hi champ … are you ready to go?” asked Brian and the boy turned round and moved to his father, giving him a big
hug. “Hi, dad … I’m all packed,” replied Gus and then he pulled away and returned to the bed to pick up his holdall.
Taking the bag from him, Brian followed the boy down the stairs and Gus trotted into the kitchen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After Brian had disappeared up the stairs to find his son, Debbie had turned to Justin who had sat down on the table.
“You two sorted yourselves out?” asked Debbie, straight to the point as usual as she sat down opposite him.
“Only I’m getting too old for this … I don’t think I could take you two breaking up again …” and Justin looked at
her. “Me neither, Debs,” he answered her.
“And Ethan? Where does he fit into all this?” she asked and Justin frowned. Obviously, Brian had talked a little
about what had happened and he wasn’t sure whether he should be annoyed at the older man, but decided he
couldn’t be. Brian had needed a friend when all of this was going on and with Mikey seemingly out of the picture,
then Debbie would be the most obvious person for him to talk to.
“He doesn’t,” answered Justin. “It was all a big mistake … but I didn’t do anything Debs … I mean I didn’t cheat on
Brian … I want you to know that.”
“I wouldn’t … I couldn’t … I love the man too much,” he continued and Debbie smiled.
“I know you do, Sunshine,” she answered him. “But sometimes we don’t always do the things we know we should
… especially where a nice piece of ass is concerned,” and she chuckled and Justin looked down at his hands.
“It was nothing like that Debbie,” said Justin quietly. “I trusted Ethan and he … he abused that trust. It won’t happen
again,” and Debbie looked at him and saw a flash of hurt in Justin’s eyes. She wasn’t going to press him for details.
Whatever had happened had obviously left its mark. One day he might tell her, but she would never ask.
“JUSTIN!” yelled Gus and he launched himself at the blond as Justin got up from the table to greet him. “I missed
you.”
“I missed you too, Gus,” Justin told him and the two hugged and Brian smiled to see how much his son and partner
obviously cared for each other.
Debbie saw them to the door and Gus hugged her before making his way down to the car and Debbie put her hand
on both Brian and Justin’s arms; holding them back.
“I don’t mind telling you,” said Debbie, out of Gus’ earshot. “That I said a little prayer for the two of you. If ever
there’s two people who should be together it’s you guys … and if either of you fuck it up again ...” and she wagged
her finger at them in mock chastisement.
“We won’t Debbie,” stated Justin quietly and he gave her a kiss on the cheek before following Gus down the steps.
Brian lent down and gave her a kiss also. “Thanks, mom,” he whispered and she patted his face. “I just wish both
my boys were talking to each other,” sighed Debbie and Brian briefly closed his eyes.
“If Mikey can’t accept that I’m with Justin … there’s not a lot I can do about that.”
“But you are still friends … right?” asked Debbie and Brian nodded. “I’ve never not been Mikey’s friend, Debbie,”
answered Brian. “But he’s not being mine,” and Brian shrugged and Debbie smiled in acknowledgement as she
watched him leave and Gus waved to her from the car as they drove away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next few weeks saw Justin putting in more time at Kinnetik. Brian had taken on an assistant for him, someone
who could take charge when Justin was working on his own projects and Justin made the commitment to always
deal with Brian’s biggest clients himself.
But the time was moving steadily towards Brian’s birthday and the anniversary of Lindsay and Melanie’s death.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As Brian had promised Gus, a tree would be planted as a permanent memorial to Lindsay and Melanie and now
Brian, Gus and Justin were checking out the nurseries to see what would be the most suitable.
They’d spent nearly two hours, seeing what was available and talking to the specialist on hand for advice, but it was
Gus who had finally spotted what he had been looking for.
“That’s the one, dad,” called the boy and he pulled his father towards a group of young saplings.
“Eastern Redbud?” asked Brian reading the label and Gus nodded. “Why this one, Gus?” asked Justin.
“We did a nature assignment last year in school … just before the accident,” answered Gus and Brian ruffled his
son’s hair in affection. “And both mom and mama said how much they loved this tree.”
“It has tons of pink flowers in the summer and the leaves are shaped like hearts … look,” and Gus pointed to the
illustration. It was a very pretty tree and would look lovely in the garden and Brian knew exactly the right spot for it,
where it was nice and quiet. And Gus was right, the leaves did look exactly like hearts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was Brian’s birthday, the day before the tree dedication and although Brian had stressed he didn’t want a big deal
made of it, Gus and Justin had other ideas.
Justin had got up early to help Gus make breakfast in bed for his dad. Brian would have preferred having Justin stay
in bed for his birthday, but that particular present would have to wait until later.
Quietly, Justin opened the door as Gus carried in the tray while Brian pretended to still be asleep, even though he
was well aware of what the two of them were up to.
“Happy birthday, dad,” grinned Gus, placing the tray at the bottom of the bed and Brian ‘woke up’ at the sound of
his voice. Coffee, juice and toast. Brian was never a big breakfast eater; was never a big eater period, but brought in
by his son, this meal was a banquet fit for a king.
Inwardly, Brian groaned and then sat up. Another year had gone by and he’d already noticed a few more grey hairs
whilst looking in the shaving mirror. Maybe he should get around to doing something about those pretty soon.
Justin had perched on the edge of the bed and now handed Gus the package he’d been holding for him, which Gus
now passed to his dad. “I got you this,” said the boy. “Justin said you were a fan,” and Brian tore open the wrapping
paper.
‘Rebel Without A Cause‘: James Dean and available on DVD and Justin had taken Gus to the store to purchase it for
him and Brian smiled. “Thanks Gus … this is great,” and Gus beamed with pride at having got his father a gift he
would enjoy.
Moving from the bed, Justin went to the closet and pulled out a package he’d hidden right at the back. It was rather
large and flat and Brian looked questioningly as the younger man passed it over.
“I hope you like it,” said Justin and slowly, Brian began to remove the packaging, feeling a lump start to form in his
throat and he had to fight to keep down the tears as he stared at the drawing. It was of Brian, Gus and Justin. A real
family picture.
“Justin … it … it’s beautiful,” whispered Brian and he looked up at the blond and smiled and Justin smiled back.
“We’ll find the right place for this downstairs … where everyone can see it,” stated Brian proudly. The picture had
taken a lot of hard work on Justin’s part as his hand could only hold out for so long at a time. A fact that hadn’t been
lost on Brian as he studied it.
“Come on, dad … your breakfast’s getting cold,” reminded Gus and Justin took the picture from Brian and stood it
carefully against the closet door as Gus passed his father the tray. And Justin grinned as he promptly helped himself
to a piece of Brian’s toast.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rosa had come in early as she’d promised Brian she would help prepare the food for the dedication and do anything
that could be got ready the day before and then refrigerated. Even though she had never known Lindsay and
Melanie, she knew how important his mom’s had been to Gus and what a special, but difficult time, this was bound
to be.
Emmett, once again, was in charge of catering and the two of them had got together to work on the menus and, as
before, Brian was overwhelmed by the willingness of the people around them to help out and make things as easy
for them as they could.
And even though he said he didn’t want one, Rosa had made Brian a birthday cake for them to have later in the day
and Justin had whispered that they had the fire department standing by owing to the number of candles on the cake.
Brian whispered in return that the blond would later pay for that remark and Justin grinned and told him he would
hold him to that.
Brian spent most of his birthday making sure that everything would be just perfect for the dedication. The young
tree had been delivered and was safely stored in the coolness of the garage. Brian and a nurseryman had already
discussed exactly where the tree should go and the ground had been prepared in readiness. Brian didn’t trust his
gardening skills and tomorrow morning, a couple of guys from the nursery would plant the tree, just leaving the last
few shovels of soil to be put in place. It just needed the weather to be favorable and looking at the forecast,
everything seemed to be coming together perfectly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The day of the dedication had arrived and Gus was putting on a brave face. Brian realized how difficult this would
be for the boy and his son was the only reason Brian was able to keep it together himself, remembering what had
happened just 12 months ago.
So much had happened in the last year. His life had literally been turned upside down. Becoming a full-time dad had
never been on the agenda and, in the beginning, Brian thought he wouldn’t cope with his young charge. But
eventually, they had developed into a team and had formed a closer relationship than Brian could ever have wished
for.
And then just when he thought he was destined for life as a single man; never looking for a partner, but beginning to
recognize how lonely and remote he had become, along came Justin back into his life, bringing love and hope for
the future. More than he could ever have imagined.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Their closest friends had been invited this day and had begun to gather on the lawn. Emmett and Rosa had been
working together since first thing and Rosa had repeatedly refused all offers from Emmett to give up her job
working for the Kinney-Taylor household and come work for him instead.
Brian and Gus greeted their guests with Justin taking a step back. This was Brian and Gus’ day and he didn’t want to
intrude, even though Brian said he wasn’t and more than once had pulled the younger man to his side. After he’d
done this twice, Justin realized that Brian, without a word, was saying how much he needed his support and so Justin
now stood alongside him as their friends arrived.
“Pastor … I’m so glad you could do this for us,” stated Brian, greeting the woman who had performed Lindsay and
Melanie’s wedding ceremony and who had now come out of retirement to take the dedication.
“Brian … please … call me Anne,” came the response and she held his hand. “And I wish I could be here under
happier circumstances,” and Brian nodded in agreement.
“You weren’t at the wedding … as I recall,” frowned Anne and Brian briefly looked away. “Umm … no … I had a
prior engagement,” replied Brian, with genuine regret and he glanced at Justin.
Brian’s prior engagement had been the prize he’d won: an all expenses paid trip to the White Party in Miami. An
invitation he’d extended to Justin, who had decided he would rather be with his family and celebrate Lindz’ and
Mel’s wedding and then Brian had offered the flight tickets to the girls to trade in for a honeymoon. A gift that had
been politely refused by Lindsay, telling him he should go and fuck as many beautiful guys as he could.
“Ah, but I think I do remember this young man from the wedding,” stated Pastor Anne, as she moved on to Justin
and shook his hand and they both smiled in recognition.
“But this surely can’t be Gus,” the woman exclaimed, putting her hand under the boy’s chin. “My word, you were
just a baby when I last saw you … when I came to your mom’s house to talk about their service. Goodness … how
you’ve grown … quite the young gentleman.”
“Excuse me,” said Brian and he left the group talking. He’d seen Michael and Ben in the doorway and Michael
looked to be hesitating before coming out into the garden.
“Hello, Mikey … Ben. Glad you could make it,” smiled Brian, sincerely, as he approached them and he shook hands
with Ben and placed his hand on Michael’s shoulder. “Hunter sends his apologies,” stated Ben, first glancing at
Brian and then back at Michael.
“I … I’ll go and say hello to Justin,” and he moved away from them, giving the two men some space.
Ben had always understood Michael and Brian’s relationship and had never been jealous of it. He’d known his
partner had been close to Brian; loved him even, since they were teenagers. A love that Brian had never returned and
never would, but who had been his closest friend.
“Michael …” started Brian, but he was interrupted. “Brian … I know I haven’t exactly gone out of my way to
welcome Justin back and accept that you’re together … but if this is what you want … well … let’s just say I’ll get
over it … okay?” Michael told him and Brian smiled.
“Thanks, Mikey … we’ve known each other so long … I hate it when we fight,” and he squeezed Michael’s
shoulder in affection, but noticed how the other man’s tone had sounded cool towards him.
When Ben returned to join them, Brian went to meet more of their guests; Melanie’s cousin, Rita, along with her
husband, had arrived shortly after members of the law firm where Melanie had been partner, and friends they’d
made from the GLC.
Ted, Debbie and Marty arrived and, within a few minutes, were joined by Jennifer, who had come with Molly and
Gary in order to show their support. Daphne and John had managed to travel at the last minute: Daphne had always
been on good terms with Lindsay and Melanie and now all members of Brian, Gus and Justin’s extended family had
arrived.
It had turned into a perfect day and, in the warm early summer sunshine, Anne had delivered a most beautiful
dedication. Brian and Gus moved towards the tree where, together, they added the finishing touch. Justin had made
sure he held back this time; this was a moment for father and son to share and Brian smiled at Gus and took the
boy’s hand as they returned to the group.
Justin could tell by the set of Brian’s jaw just how difficult he was finding today and he covered the last few feet
between them and first hugged Brian and then lent down to hug Gus. And then the three of them stood together,
Justin’s head on Brian’s shoulder; one arm around the older man and a hand on Gus’ shoulder. Brian welcomed
Justin’s hug and leaned against him, putting his arm around the younger man’s shoulders and he looked down at
Gus, who’d put one arm around his dad’s waist and one arm around Justin’s and Brian ruffled Gus’ hair.
This so touching scene was not lost on anyone present as they watched this family group; three people who loved
each other so much and who needed and relied upon one another.
It was Emmett who finally broke the ensuing silence and preventing it from becoming awkward, with the
announcement of refreshments and Brian kissed Justin before they turned back to the group, ushering them towards
the tables laden with food and drink.
One after another, their guests came to them to express how they’d enjoyed the ceremony, complimenting them on
how perfect it all was and at one point, Brian drew back a little outside the group, trying to find a few quiet moments
to himself. It was at this point that his oldest friend approached him.
Michael had seen how, during the greeting of their guests, the dedication and then afterwards, that Justin had barely
left Brian’s side. He’d seen the smiles, the hand squeezing and all the little gestures of support and obvious love and
he was glad. Of everyone, Michael had witnessed close hand how devastated Brian had been by Justin’s departure
during the Rage party and he knew how hard Lindz’ loss especially had been for him. Brian needed someone in his
life and that someone would appear to be Justin.
“Brian …”
“Hi Mikey,” replied Brian, his tone almost hushed. Before today, he and Michael had had no contact since the
housewarming where they’d barely said just a few words to each other and he hoped this wasn’t going to end badly.
“I … I’m sorry for being such an asshole,” apologized Michael quietly and Brian looked at him.
“Justin obviously loves you,” he continued. “And I can see how much you … and Gus … love him … and I just
wanted to say … well … that I am really happy for you.”
“Thanks Mikey,” replied Brian. “You don’t know how glad I am to hear you say that … it means a great deal that
you can accept that Justin and me are together,” and he smiled at him, relieved that at last, things were good between
them.
“Then … we are still friends?” asked Michael and Brian pulled him in closer. “Of course we are,” he answered him.
“We always have been … we always will be,” and the two old friends hesitated before they shared a kiss; a kiss that
said they would always be there for each other, but one that lacked fire or passion. This was a kiss between friends,
not lovers.
Justin and Ben had been standing together and had watched the little exchange between their partners and Ben
smiled, thankful that at last Michael had come around. They’d seen the kiss and both knew that it meant nothing.
That it was merely a display of affection between two people who had been friends for longer than anyone really
cared to remember: neither of them feeling threatened by it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By early evening, everyone had left and even the cleaning up had been completed, Rosa, Emmett and a couple of
Emmett’s employees had seen to that and now Brian, Gus and Justin were alone in the house. Brian had hung his
birthday gift from Justin in the living room and it had drawn a great deal of admiration from everyone and Justin
might even get a commission or two from it.
Gus was up in his room watching a movie as Brian came into the living room from the hall to join Justin, who’d
made some fresh coffee and was now sitting on the sofa.
“I forgot all about this … what with everything going on today,” admitted Brian, as he dropped the morning’s mail
on the coffee table and he sat down beside Justin.
“I can’t believe how beautiful today was,” stated Justin, passing Brian his coffee and Brian nodded. “Yes it was,” he
answered him. “And made a whole lot easier with you being here to share it,” and Justin looked at him and smiled.
Yes, it had been beautiful and Brian hoped, in some small way, that it made up for the fact he hadn’t been at Lindsay
and Mel’s wedding.
Justin put down his coffee cup and picked up the mail. There were two envelopes, both for him and he frowned as
he opened the first one marked East Coast Recordings. But the frown quickly turned into surprise and then into a
grin as he read the amount on the check.
“Jeez,” said Justin and he showed the check to Brian, who gave out a low whistle. “Well, that won’t do your bank
balance any harm. Not that it makes up in any way …” and he stopped and looked at Justin; a look that said sorry, I
should never have mentioned that and of course nothing could ever make up for what was done to you, but Justin
smiled at him. No, nothing could ever recompense Justin for what Ethan had done, but the payment was for work
completed and a contract fulfilled.
Placing the check back in the envelope for safety, Justin turned his attention to the second letter. This one was from
Penn Federal Bank and Justin again frowned as he started to open it, wondering why they should be writing to him
again; they’d already turned down his loan application.
Brian watched Justin’s face as the blond read the letter and studied his expression; Justin’s eyes opening wide in
surprise.
“My God!” exclaimed Justin. “Listen to this …”
‘Dear Mr. Taylor … after due consideration, we have decided to review our decision and are pleased to inform you
that we now approve your application and invite you to make an appointment with us in order that we may discuss
the arrangements … Yours … ‘ and Justin shook his head in disbelief.
“I wonder what made them change their mind?” he asked, handing Brian the letter. Brian shrugged. “Beats me …
obviously they realized their mistake and knew they just couldn’t pass up the chance to back someone with such
obvious talent.”
“Oh please,” chuckled Justin. “I’ve never heard of a bank going back to anyone before saying sorry … we made a
mistake … please take our money,” and at the back of Justin’s mind, all sorts of bells were ringing and he lent over
and retrieved the letter from Brian.
“Wait a minute,” said Justin, studying the bank’s letter; “Peter Van Linden, President and CEO … that’s Katherine’s
Casuals …”
“Mmm?” answered Brian, indifferently and he got up from the sofa to head for the kitchen and Justin watched him
go.
“I’m feeling a little hungry … do you want some leftovers?”
“Brian …”
“I think there’s some of that herb chicken left …”
“Brian …”
“And I think there’s some of that ham … or do you want some of the pasta?”
Justin followed Brian and now stood by the kitchen door, watching as the older man surveyed the contents of the
refrigerator.
“What are you doing?” Justin asked him. “You still don’t like to eat carbs after seven if you can avoid it.”
“It’s only just after seven,” countered Brian as he straightened up and closed the refrigerator door and he looked at
Justin and saw the half-smile on his face and Brian put his hand to his mouth and chewed his thumb.
“I know what you’ve been up to,” stated Justin, quietly. “You do huh?” asked Brian. “And what exactly is it you
think I’ve been doing?” Justin smiled and moved towards him, slipping his arms around the older man’s waist;
bringing him around to face him.
“You told Katherine’s father that his bank turned down my loan application didn’t you? … and you got him to
change their decision.”
“Justin,” answered Brian. “I don’t think even I could persuade the bank to change their decision about loaning you
money if they didn’t think you were a good enough risk. I just … I just asked him to take a second look.”
“After all, first impressions aren’t always what they seem … are they?” he continued and Justin stretched up to kiss
him.
No, first impressions aren’t always the ones to go with and, once again, Justin was grateful for that fact.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian had taken some leftovers up to Gus in his room. The boy had found the day quite exhausting and even though
he didn’t fully understand why, had been a little emotional once the proceedings had finished. Normally, Brian
didn’t approve of meals being taken away from the table, but on this occasion he was happy for Gus to eat quietly in
his room, watching a movie.
Brian and Justin sat at the kitchen table. They enjoyed eating there and only used the dining room when they had
guests and they’d opened up a bottle of wine to go with their food.
“I think I’m gonna have to start back at the gym,” admitted Brian pushing back his plate and he patted his stomach.
Justin laughed. “What the hell for … there’s not a scrap of flesh on you that shouldn’t be there.”
“True,” agreed Brian, getting up to take some of the dirty dishes over to the counter. “But I have this younger lover
…”
“Hot in bed … is he?” interrupted Justin, getting up from his seat and taking the rest of the dishes over to the
counter. The older man smiled, “Mmm … yeah … guess so,” he conceded. “But he can just about keep up …” and
Justin chuckled and threw the dishtowel at him and then started to load the dishwasher as Brian tidied up the
counter.
“You know … there’s something I’ve never asked you,” stated Justin, as he closed the dishwasher door and started
the program. Brian picked up their glasses and the remainder of the bottle of wine and together they moved into the
living room.
“What’s that?” asked Brian as he set the glasses down on the coffee table and he sat down and poured out the
remainder of the wine.
Justin hesitated. “I’ve never asked you … when it was you knew you loved me.”
Brian had his glass almost to his lips when Justin asked the question, but he replaced his drink on the table without
taking a sip and Justin now came to sit beside him.
Brian lent back against the cushions and it was a few minutes before could answer. Justin waited and wondered if
he’d overstepped the mark. Even now, Brian had difficulty putting his feelings into words. Yes, at last he could tell
Justin he loved him, but opening up totally still didn’t come easy.
“I knew there was something right from the start … when I first saw you,” confessed Brian, quietly.
“It was like … nothing else existed … everything was in shadow … darkness … and there you were … standing
under that street lamp … bathed in light,” continued Brian and Justin smiled at the memory of their first meeting.
“That sounds so romantic,” he whispered and Brian returned his smile, but only for a moment.
“But as for when I knew for sure that I loved you …” frowned Brian and he briefly closed his eyes, recalling the
memory and he swallowed.
“I knew I loved you … without a shadow of a doubt … when I was sitting in the hospital corridor … covered in
your blood … and not knowing if you were going to live or die.”
“The pain of knowing I might lose you was so great … I knew it couldn’t be anything else. I knew then that I loved
you … even if it took me so fucking long to get around to telling you,” and Brian looked over at Justin, a little
embarrassed at his further confession.
Justin studied Brian’s face. He still had limited memories of that night, but Brian had lived through it all and could
remember everything. Pain like that never fully goes away and for a few minutes there was silence between them.
“What about you?” asked Brian, eventually and he now took a sip from his glass.
“That’s easy,” replied Justin. “It was right from the start … the first time I laid eyes on you … I knew it was more
than just a connection … and then seeing you with baby Gus … and how you made love to me the first time …”
“You think that was love?” asked Brian. “I know it was love,” answered Justin. “You might not have known at the
time … but I did.”
“And then later … the way you stood up to my father … and telling me I should be who I wanted to be … not what
he was expecting of me …“
“That I should go for my dreams and refusing to let me give in when I thought I’d lost my art … showing me there
was an alternative … always being there for me.”
“I always knew I loved you.”
“And then when you made love to me after the bashing … I knew then that you loved me … even though you
couldn’t tell me … well … at least not in words.”
“Yeah,” said Brian. “And look where that got me.”
“That doesn’t matter now,” answered Justin. “Hey, you’re the one who said we shouldn’t be looking at our past and
you’re right … we have to let it go. We’ve got a wonderful home … a great life … we’re a family.”
“We’ve got something really good here,” continued Justin. “Something permanent where we can start to build a
future for ourselves. We’re …”
“Putting down roots?” offered Brian and Justin smiled.
“Yes, we are … and what we’ve been through can only strengthen us,” and Justin picked up his glass.
“To us … you … Gus and me,” proposed Justin and they clinked glasses in a toast.
“To us,” repeated Brian and they finished their drinks and Brian set down his glass on the coffee table and took
Justin’s from his hand and set that down too. Drawing Justin closer, Brian pulled the younger man in for a long,
lingering kiss.
As Brian kissed him, Justin felt once more, the reaffirmation of Brian’s love for him and the younger man now felt
free of his past also. The bashing, leaving Brian for Ethan and Ethan’s manipulations; manipulations that had almost
torn them apart, and he knew he was right. They were much stronger now.
As Brian felt the fire and passion in Justin’s kiss, a true sense of belonging came over him. This was family; not
some fucked-up excuse for a family: a group of people forced together through bloodline. And though Debbie had
tried to be his mom and he counted himself lucky to have such good and close friends, Brian’s family had always
been part of the wider gay community. But not now.
Now he had a real family; a family of his own and, finally, Brian felt as if he’d come home and building on the
future. Putting down roots.
The End
What’s in a Name?
What are the secrets and lies, once exposed, that will change Brian and Justin’s lives forever?
Chapter 1
“Hi Em … how’s it going?” asked Brian anxiously, as he looked at his watch again. The man he’d addressed
inwardly sighed and looked up at the ceiling before turning around and smiling sweetly. That had to be the tenth
time Brian had asked that same question since 8:00am.
“Everything is fine … everything will be perfect,” came the answer, said with infinite patience. And before Brian
could say anything else, even though Emmett could see he was about to:
“The Champagne is in the refrigerator … the last of the food is being prepared now … which will be divine, by the
way.“
“The wait staff have arrived … the tables are laid … the flowers …”
“Okay … okay … I get the picture,” declared Brian, backing off and his hands held up in mock surrender. Emmett
surveyed him approvingly, noticing that Brian had changed out of the casuals he was wearing first thing this
morning and was now dressed in a very expensive dark green suit. But there was one thing that needed Emmett’s
immediate attention and he moved towards him.
“Tell me … is Justin as nervous as you are?” asked Emmett quietly, so the kitchen staff couldn’t overhear and he
tried not to grin as he straightened Brian’s tie. The man frowned back at him. “Who says I’m nervous?”
Emmett chuckled. “I do … because this is for Justin … and you can’t fool me.“
“Okay … I admit it,” sighed Brian. “I’m probably more nervous now then when I launched Kinnetik,” he confessed,
and Emmett patted Brian’s chest and stood back to admire his handiwork.
“There … that’s better.”
“Now … why don’t you go and see if the man of the moment needs anything?”
Brian shook his head. “Justin says he has everything under control.” He sounded exasperated and Emmett couldn’t
help grinning properly this time. Poor Brian, he still hated it when he wasn’t in total command, but Emmett didn’t
want him cluttering up the kitchen and taking him by the shoulder, he turned Brian around.
“Shoo … go and see if there are any guests arriving … there’s always a few early birds.”
“Alright … I get the hint,” groaned Brian, and begrudgingly allowing himself to be summarily dismissed, Brian left,
wondering if there was anything he could help Gus with instead.
After the trauma surrounding the events with Ethan Gold and then the tree planting ceremony, a year to the day
following the death of Lindsay and Melanie, over the ensuing months, things had gradually settled down. As well as
they ever could, that is, in the Kinney/Taylor household.
With Cynthia now managing the New York office full time, Brian arranged his working life in Pittsburgh so that he
could spend time at home whenever possible, and only visiting NYC about once a month, spending just a couple of
days each trip, unless anything specific came up. But they had a wonderful housekeeper in Rosa, who loved to look
out for Gus after school when neither Brian or Justin could be there, and so far, these arrangements had worked fine.
There were the usual teething problems, but on the whole, Gus had seemed to settle pretty well into his school since
the move to the house and his grades had shown good progress. He’d gotten involved in the youth soccer program
and, like his dad before him, Gus played an important role in his club team, winning his place in the squad right
away.
Justin had continued to work at Kinnetik for a while, making sure the art department functioned satisfactorily as
he’d helped his replacement ease into his post. But more than ever, Justin was wanting to go out on his own and start
up his own company. Be his own man.
Several Months Earlier:
While he still had a role at Kinnetik, albeit much diminished, Justin split his time. He still oversaw the advertising
artwork for Brian, but now mostly worked independently and had begun developing contacts and building up a
small customer base of his own, away from Kinnetik.
For the time being, Justin resigned himself to putting his art ambitions mostly on the back burner. He was
determined not to live off Brian, as that would be far too easy, not that Brian would probably let him, never one to
allow the people closest to him to simply coast through life. But he knew the man would always be willing to bail
him out if necessary. Instead, Justin decided to wait until he had enough funds behind him before dedicating more
time to his own creations, when hopefully, his business could then employ an assistant at the least.
Somehow, Justin just couldn’t see himself as the starving artist, he was far too practical for that. He still had the
enthusiasm for his art and continued to draw and paint, but for the moment it was mostly for relaxation, but he
certainly intended to aim at concentrating fully on his own art one day and hopefully, in the not too distant future.
And although he would be prepared to take on commissions, he didn‘t like the idea of mass producing commercial
art. Justin’s art was borne from passion and came from the heart and soul, and he could only hope that other people
might appreciate his work. He had no real interest in whether or not someone else liked it enough to buy it. If he was
satisfied and the picture said what he’d wanted it to when it was completed, that was enough. But he was realistic
enough to know that, unfortunately, that didn’t pay the bills.
Justin had decided, after all, to stay with East Coast Recordings; Ethan’s recording company, creating CD covers
and promotional material. It was far too lucrative currently to give up, but thankfully, he would have no further
contact with Mr. Gold. Tony Marshall from ECR, had understood there had been something between the two men
that Justin did not want to resurrect or even discuss, and had agreed to not even ask him to produce something for
Ethan’s latest album.
Slowly, but surely, Justin was beginning to make a reputation for himself, but then realized that he needed to launch
his business officially. All he needed was a name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian was filled with pride at seeing how determined Justin was to set up on his own and be his own boss, and he
had Ted go through everything with Justin that the younger man would need to know about running his own
business and specifically, not getting into trouble with the IRS.
The next consideration was his workspace. Justin wanted to stand on his own feet as much as possible, but couldn’t
afford premises in town. Besides, he too wanted to be able to carry out his share of duties with regards to caring for
Gus and was quite prepared to work from home. So, after talking through his options, with the floor reinforced,
Justin’s studio in the loft at the house was extended to take in any remaining storage area and including the
installation of more working surfaces and an additional computer and lighting.
Justin wanted to pay for the work of course, but not totally unexpectedly, Brian refused to allow him to.
“Contribute later … when you can afford it,” the older man had told him.
“As the business grows … you’ll be needing materials … maybe new software,” stated Brian and Justin groaned,
but finally agreed. But inwardly he was both pleased and exasperated in equal proportions. Would Brian never stop
looking out for him, wondered Justin and, in the same thought, hoped the man never would.
Justin had reached up on tiptoes to kiss him, the love in his eyes all the thanks Brian needed. But that wasn‘t enough
for Justin.
“Then … take this on account?” offered the younger man as he eventually pulled away. They were up in the studio,
looking over the alterations that could be made and moving to his laptop on the desk, Justin brought up the relevant
folder. Frowning, not sure what Justin was referring to, Brian stepped forward to take a look and instantly
recognized the logo.
“That’s the Pentronix account,” announced the older man, in surprise, as he sat down at the desk and reaching over
Brian’s shoulder and with a touch of a button, Justin set the powerpoint presentation going. “It’s still in the early
stages … there’s still work to do on it …”
Brian shook his head in amazement. “We haven’t even really talked about this yet … but this is exactly how I
envisaged it … how did you know that’s what I was wanting?” Leaning down, Justin chuckled in his ear from
behind. “Oh … I think I know how your mind works by now.”
“You do, huh?” stated Brian, raising an eyebrow and quickly, he swiveled the chair around and grabbed the younger
man’s wrist; not roughly, but with just enough pressure to send a tingle down Justin‘s spine. Brian held him there,
not that the younger man had any intentions of going anywhere and without any resistance, Brian pulled him down
into his lap.
“So … you think you understand my needs?” stated Brian, with an oh-so mischievous look in those sparkling hazel
eyes. Justin nodded slowly.
“Oh, I think I know exactly what you need,” whispered the younger man, leaning forward so that his face was close
to Brian’s, his hot breath caressing Brian’s skin and voice now husky with the promise of sex, but Brian couldn’t
help chuckling at him.
“Yep … you probably do … you certainly got this right,” to which Justin grinned, though unsure whether Brian was
referring to the graphics work he’d done for him, totally unsolicited, or for the way he now deliberately squirmed in
the older man’s lap.
“You might even say it’s Taylor-made …” Brian gasped and his voice trailed off as a result of Justin lightly kissing
his jaw, and he leant his head back in order to give Justin greater access to his throat.
Brian’s words, for the moment, passed Justin by, as he concentrated on what he was doing, showering Brian with
light, delicate kisses and nips as his nimble fingers now sought the button on Brian’s jeans. But suddenly, the
proverbial light bulb ‘pinged’ and Justin sat bolt upright.
“What did you say?” he asked and Brian sighed and shook his head. “Finally … I wondered how long that would
take,” chuckled the older man, though he couldn’t help feeling disappointed that Justin had ceased his ministrations.
“But … but that’s it … that’s perfect.“
“Why the hell didn’t I think of that?” and with all thoughts of sex now pushed from his mind, Justin reached around
Brian for the laptop. But Brian had other ideas and pushing him off, gently but firmly, he stood up and caught the
younger man around the waist. With a much practiced move, Brian lifted Justin off his feet and moved him over to
the large bean bag that Gus had liked so much and that Justin had agreed would look great in his studio. And he laid
Justin down on his back.
“The idea isn’t going anywhere … and neither are you,” stated Brian, smiling and now leaning over him.
“True,” agreed Justin, hungrily pulling his lover’s shirt from the waistband of his jeans. “And I guess it’s only fair.”
Brian had begun to unbutton Justin’s shirt but now frowned and catching the man’s confusion, Justin continued.
“After all … I named your company,” he explained, referring to that drunken night at Woody’s when Kinnetik was
created and Brian nodded.
“Then what say we celebrate the birth of yours,” and as Justin now reached down and released Brian from his jeans,
the older man sought Justin’s mouth with his own.
And that was how Taylor Made Designs was born.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Present:
Justin’s business picked up speed and once deciding on an official launch, never one to turn down the chance of a
party, Brian suggested holding a reception. Talking it over together, Justin first of all thought of using the Kinnetik
offices and Brian would have been more than happy to oblige, but instead he suggested they use an hotel or even the
house. They were in Brian’s office at Kinnetik at the time and Justin smiled, and leaned down to kiss the man who
was sitting at his desk, realizing of course, that Brian intended that Justin’s business be regarded as totally separate
from his own.
“I would love to use the house,” stated Justin and getting together with Emmett, they decided on a date in the early
summer when it wasn‘t too hot, for a garden reception and giving everyone time to clear their diaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Without neglecting their other duties, it had taken a helluva lot of hard work to get everything together, including the
work in the loft. But the preparations had gone well, without too many headaches along the way. A marquee had
been set up on the lawn with tables inside, laid with top quality, white linen, crystal tableware and beautiful floral
decorations.
Over the previous weeks, with the work going on in the house and hearing Brian and Justin talking about it so much,
Gus had gotten really excited about the upcoming event. Justin was pleased to think Gus was interested in what he
was doing and with neither man wanting to exclude him, Brian agreed Gus could take the day off school in order to
be there, as long as one of his classmates came over later and passed on the notes taken that day.
And when the day had finally arrived, it was perfect. Warm enough, with just a few high clouds and a little light
breeze.
Emmett’s team was working hard to have everything ready by the time the guests started to arrive. Jennifer Taylor,
whose real estate business was still doing well, despite the down turn in the housing market, had arrived early, as
moms have a tendency to do, in order to offer whatever help she could for the day.
She’d come on her own, though recently she had started dating again. Jennifer hadn’t mentioned this fact so far to
Justin, slightly fearful of his reaction. She knew this was probably illogical, as deep down Justin wouldn’t likely
begrudge her; she deserved something good, after the lousy marriage she’d had with his father, Craig. But the man
she was currently seeing was a good many years younger than she. Jennifer knew her fears should, of course, be
unfounded. After all, Justin was with a man twelve years his senior. But it was more likely nearly 20 years separated
Jennifer from Tucker; in fact he was probably closer to Justin’s age than her own.
Tucker had offered to accompany her today, but Jennifer gently refused. Introducing her son to her lover on the day
he was launching his own business, with all the usual trauma and hassles of putting such an event together, probably
wouldn’t endear either of them. That would have to wait for another day.
Jennifer’s non-conditional love and support for Justin was much appreciated, not only by Justin, but by Brian too. It
had taken a while, but eventually overcoming her initial doubts, Jennifer could see how much Brian loved her son
and had grown very fond of him. Brian, in turn, looked upon the woman as both friend and family and she came to
the house or lunched with Justin or both of them in town, frequently.
Jennifer was thrilled to think that after everything he’d been through, that Justin would own his own business and a
prouder mom would be hard to find. The only real cloud on the horizon was the unrelenting attitude of her exhusband towards his son, with Craig Taylor still cutting Justin from his life.
Even though he’d resigned himself to how his father felt, Justin couldn’t help wishing the man could be there. He’d
even sent him an invitation, but hadn’t received so much as an acknowledgement, let alone have his invitation
accepted and in that respect, he wasn‘t disappointed. Apparently his dad didn’t care how his son’s life was turning
out.
“Fuck him … it’s his loss,” Brian had told him as he’d helped Justin on with his suit jacket as they’d changed this
morning and he’d reached out to smooth down the shoulders and then stepped back to look at him.
“Wow … you look terrific,” the older man told him quietly and Justin turned to face the mirror. He’d managed to
force down just one slice of toast this morning and his stomach was churning with nerves.
“I do?” Justin asked him, and looking at this reflection, he tugged at first one cuff and then the other, unaccustomed
to being so formerly attired.
Now also having changed into a suit, Brian moved up behind him and putting his arms around the smaller man’s
waist, drew him in.
“Yes, you do,” Brian assured him and Justin chuckled.
“I feel like I’m going to a wedding,” and subconsciously, he fingered the ring he was wearing. The ring that Brian
had given him just after they’d gotten back together.
From over Justin’s shoulder, Brian studied the younger man’s reflection and tried not to frown. Their partnership
was as serious as it could ever get, but Brian couldn’t help wondering if maybe getting married still figured on
Justin’s agenda, even though they’d never discussed it. It wouldn’t mean a damn thing of course; their union would
remain unrecognized and invalid as far as the governing powers were concerned. As for Brian, he regarded that they
didn’t need to make a public statement about their partnership and he’d thought Justin had felt the same way. But
looking at him now, he was beginning to wonder.
Justin smiled back at him in the mirror and for a moment, thought he saw a quick flash of confusion and concern in
the older man’s eyes and then he realized what he’d said. Was Brian thinking he was serious about the wedding
quip, wondered Justin and he turned around in Brian’s arms, reached up on tiptoes and kissed him.
“What was that for?”
“For today … for everything.“
“For being you,” Justin told him, thinking that even though he maybe used to harbor thoughts of marrying Brian, not
that it would change anything of course, that just to be here, with him, something that Justin thought he’d lost
forever, was more than he could ever have hoped for.
“But do I need a reason?” Justin asked him and Brian smiled and shook his head.
“No,” Brian told him. “Feel free … any time.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having greeted his mother, Justin politely refused offers of help, intending of course for his mom to enjoy the day,
like the rest of their guests. But with Jennifer so obviously wanting to do something and immaculately turned out as
usual, Justin eventually gave in and she was duly employed to help her son show current and prospective clients
around his newly refurbished workspace, while Brian stayed outside in the garden and marquee, networking with
everyone as they arrived or came down for refreshments.
As well as samples of work he’d created for his own clients, over the last couple of days, Brian and Justin had
brought over all the boards for the advertising campaigns that Justin had produced during his time at Kinnetik,
which were now hanging around the walls of his new studio. They included the boards for Katherine’s Casuals,
whose campaign had been particularly successful, and the Van Linden’s were high on the guest list.
At Brian’s request, Justin had, however, removed THAT drawing of the older man that hanged there, even though a
fair number of people had seen it when it had been originally displayed at the GLC all those years ago at Justin’s
first and so far, only art exhibition. Gus had seen it of course, though hadn’t thought it particularly worthy of a
mention, as had Rosa, who always cleaned the loft studio very carefully. Rosa too, hadn’t mentioned the nature of
that particular drawing, though the first time she came down from being shown the studio by Justin, Brian thought
he noticed the woman give him a rather embarrassed smile. Rosa appreciated a good male form as much as any
other hot bloodied woman, though it was initially a little difficult to look Brian in the face for the next few days.
Greeting their guests, even now, both Brian and Justin half expected Lindsay and Melanie to turn up. Mel would
probably have bitched and moaned about something, at least to and about Brian, though she would have supported
Justin without question. But it had been Lindsay, who especially had encouraged Justin in his art, herself having
been an artist and an art teacher.
Justin missed her, in fact he missed them both. But he hadn’t known Lindsay anywhere near as long as Brian and for
the older man there was still a part of him that didn’t feel quite complete without the woman who had been such a
close friend for so many years and was the mother of his son, and who so often and obviously took his side in
numerous disputes, much to Melanie’s disgust. But there was no point in dwelling on any of the unpleasant
memories, but instead to remember the good, for Gus’ sake if nothing else. But the remainder of the Liberty Avenue
Gang would be attending to support Justin‘s venture.
Michael, whose feud with Justin appeared to have come to an amicable conclusion, would be attending with Ben. As
caterer, Emmett was there of course, but also as a friend to Brian and Justin, he’d invited a certain hunky and very
gorgeous ex-pro-football player, Drew Boyd. He’d known Drew briefly before and they’d recently started dating
again. And for Emmett, who’d previously measured his relationships in minutes, if not inches, to everyone’s
amazement, this one appeared to have staying power.
Ted Schmidt, like Brian, was now in a relationship with someone he’d met more than ten years before. In fact, he’d
met Blake Wyzecki the same night that Brian had met Justin. But unlike Brian, Ted’s conquest had put him in the
hospital and almost cost him his life. The sequence of events leading up to and following that particular incident was
never mentioned. Crystal Meth addiction had nearly destroyed both of them, but Blake’s subsequent success as a
drug counselor meant that at least something positive had come from that very difficult time.
Debbie Novotny and Marty Kramer, the owners of the Liberty Diner, were still engaged, but so far hadn’t made it up
the aisle. Debbie felt strongly that as her son, Michael, couldn’t enter into a marriage with Ben that would be
recognized in his own country, that she and Marty shouldn’t either. But they did live together, with Debbie even
quite proud to think she was ‘living in sin’ with a man: “At my age!” she’d once proclaimed.
On her arrival, Gus had made a bee-line straight for Grandma Debbie, who made a fuss over him and then had him
with her and Marty throughout the proceedings. Brian didn’t have to ask Debbie to carry out that task, even though
he had of course and Debbie was only too pleased to oblige, allowing both Brian and Justin to relax in the
knowledge that the youngster was being well looked after.
Brian had invited many of his own clients to the launch. Kinnetik’s art department was much reduced as he’d
planned to use Justin’s services and though they didn’t usually talk business in the bedroom, Justin starting up his
own had recently held much of their attention.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few nights before, Justin had retired a little early and was working on a drawing while in bed, trying to unwind,
when Brian had come up. Inevitably, the conversation turned to the launch and how much business Justin hoped
would come from it and Brian quipped to the younger man how he hoped that Kinnetik would get a special deal.
Justin had carefully placed his sketchbook and pencil on the bed and then thrown back the duvet, revealing his
naked body, his skin seemingly alabaster against the dark blue sheets.
“Oh … I’m sure we can agree on terms,” he’d grinned at him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With the event now well underway and taking a five minute breather from meeting and greeting, Justin stepped
outside the house and onto the lawn. Just a few feet away and with his back to him, stood Brian, with several of his
own clients, whom Justin had previously shown around his studio. They were some of Brian’s larger accounts; ones
who would need full blown campaigns, not just individual or maybe one off pieces of work.
Justin smiled to himself as he listened to Brian promoting Taylor Made Designs. Brian didn’t know he was within
earshot, though that probably wouldn’t have mattered and Justin heard glowing accounts of the work he’d done for
the man whose life he now shared. Then, beckoning one of the waiters for refreshments for the group of business
men he’d been talking to, Brian had turned and stepped away from them, only to be confronted with a grinning
Justin, who had slipped his arms around the taller man’s waist.
“Thank you,” Justin told him.
“Just telling them how it is … besides … it makes good business sense,” shrugged Brian.
“After all … for them to make use of your business … they’d have to go through mine.”
“Shameless self promotion after all,” chuckled Justin. “That sounds like the man I know and love.”
“Have you ever known me to pass up an opportunity?” asked Brian and Justin continued to grin as he shook his head
and had then reached up on tiptoes to kiss him. But he’d heard exactly what Brian had said to those clients and not
once had he mentioned his own business.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As Emmett promised, the lunch was divine, consisting of the best and freshest ingredients, including salmon,
strawberries which had been especially flown in, and expensive Champagne. And, with safety in mind, a fleet of
cars would later arrive to take people home or back to their offices.
After they‘d eaten, taking a deep breath, Justin got to his feet to thank everyone for attending, and for all the
assistance he’d been given, both for today’s event and for getting his business off the ground. And it came as no
surprise to anyone, that Justin’s biggest thank you was saved for Brian.
Then, there was a short presentation which Justin had put together and shown on a large screen that had been rigged
up in the marquee. Every one of Brian’s clients had given permission for their campaigns to be mentioned and used.
In addition, Justin had included samples from his own clients, together with additional graphics, advertising the sort
of work he could deliver. The audience was extremely impressed at the professionalism of the presentation and with
Justin’s work, together with the obvious expense and attention to detail that had been taken to put the day together.
There was no doubt that today’s proceedings would certainly bring more work Justin’s way and, more than likely,
Brian’s too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After lunch, the audience eventually broke up and with everyone dispersing into small groups and mostly talking
shop out on the lawn or still helping themselves to refreshments, Brian noticed Daphne standing alone by the
marquee. She was obviously watching someone and following her gaze, Brian could see that it was Justin who was
the object of her attention. Finally relaxed, he was out in the middle of the lawn, laughing and working the group he
was with like he’d been doing it for years.
“Are you okay, Daphne?” Brian asked her, seeing how she was frowning and biting her lip as if contemplating
something. Daphne jumped, she’d been seriously deep in thought and hadn’t heard him approach her.
“I’m sorry … I didn’t mean to startle you,” apologized Brian, but Daphne merely smiled weakly at him and said
nothing. Brian looked around.
“Where’s John?” he asked her, referring to Daphne’s fiancé. “He’s getting me a cold drink … I was feeling a little
warm inside the marquee,” she answered him and then she returned her attention back to Justin.
“He’s in his element … isn’t he?”
Brian nodded. “Yes … he is.”
“He’s achieved so much … considering,” stated Daphne, her voice dropping as they remembered that difficult time.
Not that any of them would ever forget it of course.
“I think he’s going to do very well,” stated Brian in response and Daphne couldn’t miss the tone of pride in his
voice. “He deserves it,” she answered him quietly, but without smiling.
Brian studied her. Daphne and Justin had been best friends since St. James’ Academy and he would have expected
her to seem a little more excited for her friend than her manner implied. And then it looked as if she were about to
say more, but John appeared and handed her a long, cold drink.
“There you go, honey … that should do the trick,” and he smiled at Brian.
“Quite an event, Brian,” he complimented and Brian smiled in return. John was pleasant enough, and didn’t really
seem to be too bothered about being in the company of gays. And he appeared to love Daphne.
“Glad you’ve enjoyed it,” answered Brian and he took his leave and went to look for Gus. He hadn’t seen him since
lunch and wanted to make sure he was okay. Walking away, he couldn’t help still feel a little confused with Daphne.
But maybe it was the start of pre-wedding jitters as having set the date some time ago, Daphne and John’s nuptials
were now in a few months time with plans well under way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The expansion of Justin’s studio wasn’t the only work that had been carried out on the property recently. Brian had
rather liked the idea of installing a pool and small pool house and the work was currently underway, though around
the other side of the house and out of view of everyone attending today’s proceedings. But even losing that part of
the garden, there was still plenty of room for Gus to run around all day.
Away from the marquee and the rest of the guests, Gus had retrieved a soccer ball from his room
and was kicking it around with Michael and Ben by the Eastern Redbud they‘d planted, which was protected for
now with a wire grille, while Debbie and Marty looked on from a bench sited nearby.
“Dad!” called out Gus, seeing his father approach and he took a kick at the ball, aiming it towards him. To
everyone’s surprise, considering the exclusive footwear he was wearing, Brian kicked it, eliciting a huge grin from
the youngster who received the ball back from him and then having reached him, Brian ruffled the boy’s hair.
Debbie shook her head. That man never failed to surprise her. A few years ago, the thought of marking a pair of very
expensive shoes by kicking a ball about would have been totally out of the question. But then it’s amazing what
seems important once you have a child to care for.
Having made sure Gus was okay and that everyone had everything they wanted, Brian went to look for Justin and
together, they continued to talk to the remaining guests.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By late afternoon, people were drifting away and Emmett’s team had commenced clearing up.
Gus’ friend from school and fellow team mate arrived and Tyler’s mom offered to have Gus for the night. Brian
actually welcomed that idea, it would give him and Justin a little time on their own following all the hard work that
had been put into making today such a success. Debbie offered to help Gus pack an overnight bag and a little while
later, the youngster was taken back to Tyler’s, where the boys would do their homework and have dinner together
and then go into school the following morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The last of their guests finally left and everyone, without exception, commented on how they’d been so impressed
by Justin’s work and how much they’d enjoyed the day. And, from those people who hadn’t been there before, came
compliments regarding the house: Brian and Justin obviously had great taste.
Drew had offered to stay behind and help Emmett and the last of his team clear away. They and Rosa, were now the
only ones left and had returned to the kitchen when Brian and Justin went back to the marquee to retrieve a bottle of
Champagne that had their name on it.
Justin heaved a huge sigh of relief, with the tensions and excitement of the day ebbing away as Brian poured out
their drinks, but that wasn’t the end of events.
“I have something for you,” stated Brian, but before he could do anything further, Justin moved in and ran his
fingers along the lapel of Brian’s suit. “I bet you say that to all the boys,” he chuckled and Brian thought he heard a
slight slurring in the younger man’s words and he grinned. The day’s proceedings were obviously making Justin a
little heady, but that could also have a lot to do with the several glasses of Champagne he’d nervously consumed
already.
“That comes later,” promised Brian. “But for now …” and from his inside pocket, Brian produced an envelope and
handed it to him.
“What’s this?”
“Call it … call it an early birthday present,” Brian told him.
Justin groaned a little. His thirtieth was still a little way away, though he really didn’t like to be reminded. But
unlike Brian, there wasn’t likely to be any real queenie moments when it arrived.
“Brian … whatever it is … you’ve done enough … more than enough already … with all this,” Justin told him and
indicating their surroundings.
“Open it,” instructed Brian, eagerly and Justin frowned before putting down his glass.
Slowly, Justin opened the envelope and pulled out several sheets of paper; his eyes and mouth opening ever wider as
he took in what they were telling him.
Brian had bought air time with the local TV station, with the intention of using Justin’s own promotional
presentation and the slots would run over the course of the next two months. In addition, Brian had Justin’s
replacement at Kinnetik, extract several shots to be used as stills for magazine and trade ads and Brian, himself, had
written the copy.
“This is too much … way too much,” declared Justin, his voice husky and feeling the tears start to well up. As usual,
Justin was overwhelmed but not necessarily surprised, by Brian’s generosity. Apart from his love, there was only
one other thing that Justin could offer in return.
“I will make you so proud of me,” Justin promised him and reaching out, Brian pushed the younger man’s hair back
from his eyes.
“You already did,” came the whispered reply.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By 7:00, everything had just about been cleared away and Emmett’s team, along with Drew, had left. They’d
refrigerated the leftover food in case Brian and Justin wanted something later but were too tired to do anything for
themselves. Earlier, Brian and Justin had given each of their friends a bottle of surplus Champagne as they’d
departed and while the majority of the table decorations had been sent to a nearby retirement home, as it seemed
such a shame to waste them, Brian had handed Debbie one of the biggest and still very beautiful floral displays as
she was leaving, with which she was thrilled.
“When did you last see your mother?” asked Debbie, after she’d kissed and thanked him and Brian frowned, but
didn’t answer her.
“What about Gus?”
“Do you think it’s fair that he hasn’t gotten to know his real Grandma?” she continued.
“You’re his real Grandma,” countered Brian. “Besides … she doesn’t even know he exists.”
“She what?” came the dumbfounded reply and Brian shrugged. “Well, I haven’t told her … and I don’t think Jack
ever did.”
“And if you haven’t?”
Debbie shook her head. “I haven’t seen her in years,” she admitted. “But don’t you think that if she knew about Gus
… it would help heal the rift between you?” asked Debbie.
“There’s not many women who could ignore their own grandkids,” she pointed out and then she’d rubbed Brian’s
arm.
“Think about it?” she asked him. “None of us are getting any younger,” she told him and Brian had shrugged.
A short while later, Justin had also given Jennifer one of the floral displays as she was leaving and watching mother
and son kiss and hug, Debbie’s words came back to Brian and he stopped short as he realized that he actually had a
pang of regret that he’d not been able to invite his own mother to share the day with them, especially when it was
something of such significance.
Maybe Debbie had a point. Maybe introducing Joan to her grandson was something to consider. After all, she was
right. Time was running out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian watched Justin take off his tie and stuff it in his pocket and he grinned at him. “Why don’t you go and get
changed while I check that there’s nothing else left to do outside?“ he offered and Justin heaved a sigh of relief.
Even with the compliments it had brought him, Brian knew Justin hated wearing a suit and tie and that he probably
couldn‘t wait to get out of it. It really wasn‘t Justin at all and the younger man wondered how Brian managed it for
work every day. But then Brian did look good in a suit. Any suit.
So, leaving Brian, Justin went up to shower and change into tee and jeans. And then he went downstairs to make
some coffee and grabbed a mouthful. He’d sobered right up in the shower: he really did have the odd glass or three
too many of Champagne today. But the whole event had gone so wonderfully well, Justin couldn’t help but feel like
celebrating. But now they were alone, he wanted to celebrate with Brian and so he went looking for him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unable to find Brian in the house, Justin went out to the garden, assuming he must still be outside. The marquee
would be taken down and removed tomorrow by the contractors and he begun to make for it, to see if Brian was
there, but then he saw him.
With the sun beginning to set, Brian was sitting on the bench by the Redbud; the tree was thriving in the rich soil
and would be a magnificent memorial to Lindsay and Melanie in a few years. The man had yet to change out of his
suit, but he had loosened his tie and undone the top button of his shirt. He was sitting quietly and as Justin
approached him, it was obvious he was deep in thought. Justin hesitated, Brian looked if he’d needed a moment to
himself and instead of disturbing him, made to turn back towards the house instead.
“Justin,” called Brian, having caught movement out of the corner of his eye, and the younger man stopped and
turned back. “I didn’t mean to disturb you,” came the apology, but Brian shook his head.
“I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have disturb me,” he assured him and smiling, Justin went over to the bench
and sat down beside him and he slipped his hand into Brian‘s.
“You miss her … you miss Lindsay, don’t you?” asked Justin, quietly after a pause, and Brian frowned. “Yeah … I
do,” he admitted.
“She would have enjoyed today,” continued Brian, looking at him and managing a smile. He squeezed Justin‘s hand.
“She would have been very proud of what you’re doing … as I am,” he continued and then he hesitated and sighed.
“Debbie thinks I should tell my mother about Gus,” stated Brian, who had obviously been mulling it over while
sitting there.
Justin frowned. “It never occurred to me she didn’t know about him … I just thought she was ignoring the both of
you.”
“Well … we haven’t exactly been living in each other’s pockets these last ten or so years,” stated Brian. “What do
you think?”
Justin squeezed Brian’s hand in return, pleased that the older man sought his opinion.
“Well … she is your mom and Gus‘ grandma,” stated Justin and then he sighed. “I know dad doesn’t want anything
to do with me … but I have tried.”
“And the fact that he still doesn’t want to know me?”
“Well … at least I know I did what I could.”
“And you never know … finding out she has a grandson by you … might just bring her round.”
Brian nodded, took a deep breath and fell silent and Justin decided the man did need a moment to himself after all.
“I’ll go and tidy up the studio … I have a feeling I’m not going to get much time to myself for a while.“
“The phone will be ringing off the hook,“ Brian told him seriously, and leaning across, Justin reached out and put
his fingers beneath Brian’s chin, turning the man to face him. He kissed him and when the kiss had run its course,
Justin got to his feet and ran his hand up the back of Brian’s neck and into his hair before turning and leaving him to
the peace and quiet of the garden.
After watching the younger man walk away, Brian sat for several minutes, and found he actually enjoyed the
seclusion the garden offered from the outside world, if only briefly. It had been a very tiring few weeks, and then the
closer today got, trying to cope with his own heavy workload as well as helping to organize Justin’s launch, he was
beginning to feel exhausted. He probably needed a break; it would be great if they could get away. But now was
lousy timing, with Justin‘s business just about to take off.
Looking down at his shoes, Brian scowled at the scuff mark he hadn‘t noticed earlier and then he chuckled. After all,
what was a scuff mark compared to the smile it put on his son’s face when he’d kicked the ball back to him.
With Justin tidying up his studio and packing up the boards to be returned to Kinnetik, Brian headed for the shower
and stood for a few minutes under the hot water before lathering up and trying to let the hectic day go. He’d dried
off and had finished dressing in jeans and tee in the bedroom and was sitting on the end of the bed when he noticed
Justin’s ever present sketchbook lying on the nightstand and couldn’t help taking a peek.
Slowly, Brian became aware of another presence and felt the hand brush over his shoulders and then Justin sat down
beside him and placed a hand on his knee.
“I never got to thank you properly for today,” Justin told him, which is what he’d intended to do earlier before
deciding to give Brian a little space.
“It was amazing … everything went perfectly.”
“Of course,“ answered Brian, in mock surprise. “But don’t thank me … it’s all down to you,” stated the older man.
“It’s you they came to see.”
“And if all the interest pans out … I think you’re gonna end up with more work than you can handle and …”
“Oh, I think I can just about handle … most things,” replied Justin, before Brian had a chance to continue what he
was going to say, and that was Justin would probably need to hire additional staff.
But instead, it was hard to concentrate on anything else as Justin slid his hand up Brian’s inner thigh. But Brian
sighed. “I hate to say it … but I was up at 6:00 …”
“Then you should have told me … we could have done something about it,” teased Justin, his hand sliding even
higher and despite his tiredness, Brian chuckled and felt himself begin to harden.
“I’m sure we can find a solution,” stated the younger man.
“Oh, I’m positive we can,” grinned Brian back at him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Are you sure these are absolutely necessary?” asked Brian and Justin nodded. “Oh I’m sure,” came the reply and
carefully, he fastened the silk tie around Brian’s wrist.
“Do you know how much they cost?” Brian asked him and Justin chuckled. “Funny how that never seems to occur
to you, when you’re doing this to me,” observed the younger man, which resulted in Brian muttering something
unintelligible under his breath.
Justin had pulled off his own tee and then Brian’s, barely five minutes after the older man had put it on and had then
moved to the closet. Confused, Brian had frowned. “What are you doing in there?” he asked him and then the frown
turned to realization as Justin produced two very expensive silk ties.
“Ah … we haven’t done this for a while,” Brian grinned at him, but usually the shoe was on the other foot, or in this
case, the ties and before he realized, the younger man had the first wrapped around Brian’s wrist. Brian smiled. He
knew what was to follow of course, or at least he thought he did. This wasn’t how it usually happened, but Brian
decided this was Justin’s day and if this was what the younger man wanted, then he was totally okay with it.
Besides, it meant Brian had the minimum to do and obtain the absolute maximum of pleasure.
Brian had scooted up the bed and propped himself up a little against the pillows. Justin kissed him and then holding
the other end of the tie, brought Brian’s right wrist up and outwards, fastening the end off around the bed head. Then
Justin straightened up and caught Brian’s other wrist, repeating his actions, resulting in Brian being tied to the bed.
Brian could still smell the lightly perfumed shower gel Justin had used earlier as the younger man’s chest almost
brushed his as he’d stretched out above him. But feeling the heat from Justin’s body against his face, at that moment,
the cost of the impromptu restraints was of no interest. Brian couldn’t have cared less.
Brian raised his head, intent on kissing or licking whatever part of Justin he could reach, but the younger man
moved just a little too fast for him. And then, straightening up, Justin grinned at him and made to kiss him, their
mouths almost touching before Justin pulled away. Brian groaned and pulled on the ties. Though his arms were
secured, it wasn’t uncomfortable and there was no strain on his limbs; he just couldn’t bring them very far forward
and he certainly couldn’t touch Justin, or himself, where he wanted to the most.
This was one time when Brian had no control, whatsoever, over what was happening to him. But he trusted Justin
entirely of course. The implications of Brian’s compliance was not lost on Justin; Brian placing himself completely
in the younger man’s hands. But then again, any bedroom games such as this, involved an enormous amount of trust
between both parties and for Justin to take the initiative like this, illustrated just how secure and equal their
relationship was.
Brian had watched Justin‘s face as he‘d carefully secured the ties to his wrists and then, in turn, to the bed. It had
been done with the utmost care for Brian‘s comfort and security, the older man could see that. But how they touched
and when, was now entirely down to the younger man. In fact, the knots weren’t tied particularly tightly at all and if
he wanted to, it probably wouldn’t take too much wriggling to get out of them. But at this juncture, Brian didn’t
want to.
Kneeling on the bed, Justin made sure he didn’t touch Brian and that Brian couldn‘t touch him unless he wanted him
to. He took pleasure in just surveying him; drinking in the older man’s still beautiful body for what seemed like
hours before he leaned down to lick his chest, encircling first Brian’s right nipple before trailing saliva across to the
left. Brian groaned, his cock straining against his jeans as Justin now trailed down his stomach and, while he did so,
Justin’s fingers lightly ran along the length of Brian’s jeans’ zipper and then he cupped the man’s bulge gently in his
hand for just a few seconds.
Justin had to time this just right. He didn’t want to move things on too quickly for it to be over all too soon, but very,
very slowly, he undid the zipper. Normally, Justin would have reached inside the folds of material for Brian’s
hardness, but this time, even though he needed to touch him so much, he held off.
Moving to the end of the bed, Justin took hold of the hem of Brian’s jeans and began to pull them off him. Gripping
the ties with his hands, Brian lifted his hips off the bed to assist and once removed, the jeans were discarded to the
floor. Then came the briefs, but without even touching Brian’s flesh, Justin miraculously managed to take hold of
the waistband and pull them down and off.
By this time, even without any physical effort on his part, Brian was perspiring and now fully erect, his cock ached
so much he thought he would lose it already. But Justin was far from over and Brian watched, as standing just a few
feet away from the bed, Justin toed off his sneakers and then pulled off his socks. The younger man then reached
down and cupped himself before slowly undoing the zipper on his own jeans.
Brian’s entire body seemed to ache and pulsate with every beat of his heart. His mouth was dry and he couldn’t shift
his gaze as he watched Justin reach inside and stroke himself before grinning and removing his own jeans and briefs.
Justin knew exactly what he was doing as he heard Brian groan and saw him ball his fists. Being unable to reach out
and touch him or touch himself, was driving Brian crazy and then he watched as Justin, now completely naked, knelt
back on the bed and continued where he’d left off, licking Brian from breast bone to navel, where he dipped in his
tongue before moving on down the fine line of hair: Brian’s treasure trail, and to the bounty that lay beyond.
Brian momentarily closed his eyes and moaned in anticipation, but Justin diverted and just as Brian thought the
younger man was going to take him in his mouth and give him relief, instead he felt the cool wetness, as Justin
licked down the man’s thigh and continued to his ankle. Brian groaned and involuntarily arched his back. He’d
gritted his teeth, as the silky blond hair brushed his cock, hoping to god Justin knew what he was doing as Brian felt
the soft, hot and wet tongue trail up his other leg.
With his breathing shallow and ragged, Brian wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold out from this sweet
torture and by now, neither did Justin. His own erection begging for attention, Justin wanted Brian so badly and now
that they no longer used condoms, he loved the feel of the man coming inside him and couldn‘t wait any longer.
Leaning over him, still not allowing Brian to touch either of their bodies, Justin reached inside the nightstand drawer
for the lube and flipped the top. He wanted to refrain from touching Brian’s cock for as long as possible and instead,
reached behind and smeared a generous amount of lube around his own hole, the action almost threatening to send
Justin over the edge as he did so.
Now quickly climbing over him, Justin positioned himself above Brian’s cock and lowered himself. Usually, he
would have teased the older man a little by raising himself up again, and then taking Brian in little by little. But not
this time. By now, Justin’s need for Brian matched the older man’s need for him and if anything, a little too roughly,
Justin quickly lowered himself and moaned loudly as he impaled himself and felt Brian’s engorged cock forced
inside him.
By now, both men’s hearts were pounding and the blood rushing in their ears so hard, they wouldn’t have heard the
sky fall in around them as finally, their bodies joined together. Still unable to reach out and touch him, Brian had
watched the younger man‘s face, seeing first a slight glimpse of sweet pain, followed by the ecstatic pleasure and
Brian groaned as the younger man clenched around him and began to thrust forward.
As Justin’s pelvic thrusts grew in strength and speed, the younger man stroked himself. Brian balled his fists again,
wanting so badly to be able to do that for him and had to be content instead with thrusting his hips upwards to match
Justin and watch the younger man’s fast approaching orgasm; his own not far behind.
Thrusting ever faster and harder, Justin reached forward and laid a hand on Brian’s stomach, feeling the man rise
and fall. Needing to feel Brian not only inside him, but envelope him, with both hands, Justin reached out for
Brian’s wrists, now wanting to release him. He struggled a little in his anxiousness, but within a few seconds, he’d
set Brian’s right wrist free and then the left.
With his hands now unfettered, Brian reached for Justin’s cock and the younger man gasped as he felt Brian’s
fingers encircle him, spurring him on.
With both men heading for the sweet oblivion that was about to overtake them, finding unbelievable strength, Brian
instinctively pushed himself up off the pillows. Putting his arms around Brian and holding him against his chest,
Justin never wanted to let him go. Pulling Brian in even closer, their bodies seemingly melting into each other with
the heat they emanated, Justin held Brian tightly as they both came, almost simultaneously.
Now holding each other tightly, Brian had felt Justin clench, heightening his own orgasm and he tried to breathe
evenly. Taking in the heady mix of perspiration and sex, Brian inhaled deeply, absorbing Justin into his very pores
as Justin too, felt their intense connection. Justin moaned with pleasure as he felt Brian’s hot seed shoot inside him
and he’d clenched again, wishing he could hold the man there forever.
Everything seemed to stop; the whole world seemingly coming to a standstill for that one moment. Coming down
from the incredible high and still clinging to each other, their bodies glistened with sweat. Justin’s semen smeared
both of them and Brian eventually found the breath and strength to speak, though his words were gasped into
Justin’s chest and the younger man strained to hear them.
“In … all … the times … we’ve … done this …” and he managed a dry swallow.
“That … has … to be … the … hottest.”
Smiling and still straddling him, Justin pulled back a little and looked down. He reached for Brian’s chin and tilted
the older man’s face up towards him. He took a breath and kissed him deeply.
“I love you,” whispered Justin, though his words weren’t necessary and these days, Brian was able to verbalize his
own feelings so much more.
“I love you too,” the older man told him, and then he rubbed Justin’s chest, leaving there quite a deposit of the
younger man’s own cum. “I’m stuck on you,” Justin grinned at him and Brian groaned at Justin‘s feeble attempt of a
joke.
With both men exhausted and totally sated, Justin rolled off Brian and onto the bed. He kissed Brian’s shoulder
before cuddling up beside him, still leaving one leg hooked over his.
“I think we better go shower …or we’ll be peeling ourselves off the sheets in the morning,” whispered Brian, which
was met with a soft: “Uh ..uh.” From Justin’s response, it was obvious that he was far too close to sleeping to even
think about getting out of bed and into the shower, emphasized by the way he moved in even closer.
Carefully, so as not to disturb Justin, Brian reached out and managed to pull the duvet up and over them both. Brian
couldn‘t help smiling as he then reached out to put his arm around the younger man‘s shoulders. It didn‘t seem that
long ago that falling asleep immediately after sex without cleaning up was unthinkable, and especially to be content
and happy to have the other man snuggling up so close on bedding soaked with cum. But that was when it had been
just sex and it was long passed that with Justin. Those times, thankfully, now seemed a life time ago and what was
so bad, after all, about falling asleep with the man you loved beside you, still all wet and sticky?
They would have to change the bed, again, in the morning, mused Brian as he drifted off to sleep, content and
fulfilled. And if Rosa ever wondered why it was that Brian and Justin did so much of their own laundry, or at least
the bed linen, she‘d certainly never mentioned it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian was right, the next few days, even weeks, brought a lot of enquiries Justin’s way about work. Several of
Kinnetik’s own clients got in touch with Brian, Justin’s launch having made them consider that maybe it was about
time to think about a new advertising campaign for themselves. Justin would certainly be kept busy for the
foreseeable future and Brian had put one of his own assistants in charge of initial talks with current Kinnetik clients
about future campaigns. But Brian, himself, had other things on his mind and it wasn’t just the conversation he’d
had with Debbie.
Suddenly, Gus didn’t seem quite so chatty and his grades started to dip a little and then one day, he came home with
one of his school books torn. “It’s nothing, dad,” Gus had told Brian when his father had asked him if there was
anything wrong. “I just dropped it … and one of the other kids kicked it … no big deal,” the youngster insisted, but
Brian wasn’t quite so sure. Then Gus seemed to be getting the odd headache and not always finishing his meal at
dinner times.
“You don’t think he’s being bullied about something?” asked Justin at the dinner table after Gus had asked to go to
his room. Gus sometimes ate in the kitchen under Rosa’s eye if Brian wasn’t home early enough, though Justin
would try to be there as it was easier for him, working from home, even if it meant returning to his work afterwards.
This evening, they’d all sat down together, but Gus just didn’t seem interested in his food and not wanting to make
an issue of it, Brian allowed him to be excused. He could well remember being forced to sit at the table during his
own childhood when he was desperate to get away. Though that was usually because his parents were arguing, or
the food was simply inedible. But Gus was clearly unhappy and Brian would rather he was in his own space,
somewhere he felt comfortable.
Half an hour after dinner had finished, Brian went up to check on Gus and that he was doing his homework. Sitting
on the bed beside him, Gus had asked him a question about a project he was working on and Brian was only too
happy to help out.
Then, leaving him to finish off and get ready for bed, Brian had ruffled his son’s hair. “Gus … if there was anything
wrong, you would tell me … wouldn’t you?” he asked him and Gus had smiled and nodded.
“Sure dad,” came the answer and Brian had smiled at him before closing the door behind him. It was probably
something of nothing, decided Brian, but he also decided that Gus would need a closer eye keeping on him at the
moment and hopefully, he’d work out what was going on, if anything. And if necessary, pay a visit to the school,
even though Gus would be appalled at the suggestion.
Watching his dad leave, Gus sighed before taking himself off to the bathroom to wash and brush his teeth before
climbing into his PJ’s. He hated lying to his dad and he didn’t want to upset him and Justin. He’d have to handle it
by himself, though it was getting harder all the time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But it wasn’t just the fact that Gus seemed unhappy at the moment, Justin was pretty sure something else was
troubling Brian and then Brian caught the younger man studying him while he’d been miles away, deep in thought,
thinking about his childhood and he‘d smiled weakly.
“Penny for them?” offered Justin and Brian shook his head. “They’re not worth that much,” the older man told him
and reaching out, Justin stroked Brian’s upper arm.
“Whatever … we said we’d discuss everything didn’t we … that there shouldn’t be anything we couldn’t talk
about?” Justin didn’t need to remind him of the Ethan debacle, where secrets had led to lies and then hurt for them
both. Brian nodded. “No … you’re right … I guess sometimes it still doesn’t come easy,” he confessed.
“I was thinking about what Debbie said … and letting Gus meet his grandma.”
“I guess there’s nothing to lose in trying,” suggested Justin and Brian frowned. “Guess not.”
“At least you know you did your best … and wouldn’t be left wondering,” Justin continued and Brian nodded.
“You’re right … I’ll call her … that’s if she wants anything to do with me … or Gus.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian wasn’t totally sure what to do first, after what Debbie had said and now that he’d decided that he’d take a
chance and let his mom know about Gus. Should he tell Gus he had a Grandma other than Debbie, or just pitch up
with him? Neither Melanie or Lindsay’s parents had really accepted their daughters’ relationship and neither set of
parents played any part in Gus’ life at all and it did seem a shame that the boy missed out on that special
grandchild/grandparent connection.
Deciding to take the risk that Joan’s loathing of her son’s lifestyle, wouldn’t prejudice any feelings she might have
for her grandson, Brian rang his mother to arrange to meet her. To say she was surprised was an understatement, but
Brian was her only son after all, and if he’d come to his senses and was ready to accept her and their religion back
into his life, who was she to condemn him out of hand? But the choice of location for their meeting was rather
confusing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Brian, why have you asked me to meet you here? Of all places?” Joan Kinney asked him, after she’d offered up her
cheek for a kiss. He’d been watching out for her and she parked her car next to his.
“There’s someone I want you to meet,” came the mysterious reply.
Brian had arranged to meet her in the parking lot and taking her arm, escorted her through the barrier and up into the
seats where a good number of families were already cheering on their sons, grandsons, brothers or nephews. Gus’
soccer team were doing really well and with only a couple of games left, expected to finish at the top of their league.
The game had only been in progress for ten minutes, but as it happened, they’d taken their places not a moment too
soon and Brian grinned broadly and proudly as no. 7, Peterson, struck the ball sweetly into the back of the net. Brian
leapt to his feet, applauding wildly, as only a doting father could. After the usual celebrations, Gus looked around;
he’d been picked up earlier by a team mate for the usual pre-match talks and preparations and he hadn’t seen his dad
since breakfast, though Brian had promised faithfully he’d be there. Brian and Justin liked to go to Gus’ games
together, but they always made sure that at least one of them attended. But on this occasion, Justin decided it was
best to give them some space, telling Gus he had some work he had to do, which in actual fact, was the truth.
Seeing Brian return the wave from one of the youngsters out on the playing field, Joan frowned and tugged at his
sleeve. Brian looked down at her and before she could speak:
“That is your grandson,” came the totally unexpected explanation as Brian took his seat back down beside her and
the look on his mother’s face was priceless.
“A son?”
“You have a son?” she asked him and Brian nodded.
“Gus … he’s eleven … nearly twelve,” he answered her. “But how? I mean … who’s the mother? Does this mean
that you haven’t always been … you know?” she asked him quietly, so that no one else around them would hear,
even though Brian made sure they‘d sat nowhere near anyone else. If there was to be an argument, he didn‘t want
the families of Gus‘ friends to overhear it.
Brian shook his head. “No mom … I’ve always been gay,” he answered her, with no attempt at lowering his voice,
much to his mother’s embarrassment. “Though in college …” Brian stopped. There wasn’t any real point in
confusing his mother any further.
“Do you remember Lindsay Peterson … from college?”
“Tall … rather skinny blonde, as I recall,” Joan answered him and Brian smiled. How Lindsay would have loved
being called skinny and he nodded. “That’s her,” and Brian rolled his lips into his mouth as he wondered how his
mother would take the next part.
“When Lindz and her partner, Melanie … wanted a child … they asked me to be the father.”
“You mean … Gus’ mother is .. is …”
“A lesbian, mom.”
“They’re called lesbians …”
“I know what they’re called, Brian,” his mother told him in no uncertain terms. “Did you sleep with her? I did used
to wonder if you two might get together,” Joan asked him, rather unexpectedly, but Brian shook his head. “I was …”
and he hesitated. “A donor.” For sure he couldn’t turn around and tell her he’d jerked off in a cup in the back room
at Babylon after a drunken night out, though he would have loved to see her face if he had.
“Are they here?” asked Joan, looking around and Brian shook his head. “They were killed in a car crash … getting
on for two years ago now.”
“Then who’s looking after Gus?”
“I am.”
“After all … I am his father.”
Brian’s mother frowned and her disapproving look couldn’t be mistaken.
“What do you know about being a father … and looking after a child?” demanded Joan coldly and Brian
straightened in his seat.
“I know what not to do,” he told her and matching her tone.
“I never tell him he should have been aborted … or come home drunk and use him as a punch bag,” stated Brian,
looking right at her, but Joan looked away, unable to meet his gaze. Of course Joan had known all along how Jack
took out his rage and frustration on his son and Brian had only supposed that she was too afraid of Jack to stand up
to him, even to protect her offspring and he was beginning to wonder if this proposed meeting between her and her
grandson had been a good idea after all.
“I love him,” stated Brian and even Joan couldn’t have missed the obvious pride and affection in Brian’s voice when
he spoke of his son.
“It takes more than love to raise a child … especially on your own,” Joan informed him and Brian thought, for the
first time, that he actually detected a note of empathy in her voice.
“I’m not on my own,” answered Brian, much to Joan’s surprise.
“I don’t suppose you remember Justin?” asked Brian and he saw his mother frown, but whether this time in
confusion or disgust he wasn’t quite sure.
“You walked in on us once … but I guess that was ten years ago,” he confessed.
“You mean that very young man you were with?” Joan asked her and definitely in disgust. “Yes … that young
man,” Brian answered proudly.
“Well … he’s my partner … my husband … and we’re raising Gus together.”
“Well I suppose it’s quite an achievement that you managed to stay with the same man all this time,” stated Joan,
sarcastically, never for one minute envisaging Brian as the monogamous kind, especially now she was aware of his
homosexuality.
“Actually … we haven’t been together all that time,” admitted Brian. “But it’s been a while now and … and we’re
gonna make it.” Brian could see his mom about to say something along the lines of questioning the validity and
longevity of gay relationships, but he did have a card up his sleeve.
“And don’t go preaching to me about the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman,” warned Brian. “Not
after yours and Dad’s … and when you’ve got a divorced daughter,” he continued, in reference to his own sister,
Claire’s, failed marriage as well as his parent‘s sham of a union.
Joan frowned as she considered her family history. Brian was right, she couldn’t use even his closest family as
recommendations of marriage.
“Does Gus at least have any decent female role models in his life?” she asked him, changing tack slightly and Brian
nodded. “There’s Daphne, Justin’s oldest friend … and his mother, Jennifer, is at the house a lot … and there’s
always Rosa, our housekeeper … and of course Debbie …”
“Your housekeeper … and the Novotny woman?” asked Joan in horror and Brian nodded. “Rosa is a good woman
… she’s kind and hard working … and cares a lot about Gus.“
“And that Novotny woman, as you call her … welcomed me into her home like I was one of her own,” Brian
informed her. “Between us … Gus will be raised knowing he’s loved and what’s right from wrong … and that
someone’s sexuality doesn’t dictate what sort of person they are,” and he sighed and slumped back into his seat.
Brian decided to remain silent and allow his mother to digest all that she’d just learned and they both fell quiet for
the rest of the first half of the game. But as the whistle blew for half-time, Brian turned to his mother.
“I brought you here because I thought you might want to meet your grandson … was that a mistake?” Brian asked
her directly and he saw Joan blink as she was obviously fighting some inner conflict. Brian was pleased he’d
decided to arrange things this way. If Joan wanted nothing to do with Gus then she could leave and his son would be
none the wiser. Taking Joan’s silence as the decision he was mostly expecting, Brian nodded and then stood up,
wanting to go and say a few words of encouragement to Gus in the interval.
“Fine … he doesn’t even have to know you’re here … that you’re rejecting your own grandson … like you did me,”
Brian spat the words at her and made to pass her, but as he did so, he felt a tug on his sleeve.
“Brian … wait … I … I …”
“Well?” he asked, looking down at her.
“You’re right … he is family … you both are.”
“I would like to meet Gus.”
Brian nodded, and couldn’t help admitting to himself that Joan’s statement and decision did come as a surprise.
“After the game … I usually take Gus for a burger … you’re welcome to join us,” stated Brian and although the
thought of eating at one of those awful fast food restaurants appalled her, Joan nodded in agreement.
Going down to the touch line where both teams were taking in fluids and getting the usual team talk on the sidelines,
Gus spotted his dad and eagerly trotted towards him.
“Did you see me?” he asked him anxiously and Brian grinned and reaching out, squeezed the boy’s shoulder. “I saw
you … you did great,” Brian told him and with his dad’s praise ringing in his ears, Gus grinned and trotted back to
join his team mates.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the end, Gus’ goal turned out to be the only one and with his team winning 1:0, Gus went into the showers with
the rest of the team. Brian hadn’t wanted to tell him about Joan at half-time and have the boy worrying about it for
the rest of the game, but when he came out from the showers and said goodbye to his friends, Brian took him to one
side and sat him down.
“You had a great game … the team’s doing well,” stated Brian proudly and Gus nodded. “We should finish at the
top,” and then he frowned, wondering why it was they weren’t heading for the parking lot as usual after a game.
“Gus … there’s someone here I want you to meet,” stated Brian and his son frowned. “Who?” he asked him looking
around. “She’s waiting in her car,” Brian continued and he placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder.
“I know you think of Debbie as your grandma,” stated Brian. “But you know she isn’t my mom, don’t you?” “Sure,”
answered Gus. “She’s Michael’s mom,” and Brian nodded in confirmation.
“Well … you have another grandma … my mom … and she’s here and would like to meet you,” Brian told him and
Gus raised his eyebrows. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” confirmed Brian. “She’s waiting in her car … I thought we’d all go eat together … how does that sound?”
“Sure dad,” answered Gus and leaning down, Brian picked up the boy’s sports bag and together they walked back to
Brian’s car, where he threw the bag in the trunk. Joan got out of her car and smiled at both of them.
“Hello Gus,” greeted Joan and Gus smiled in return, albeit a little nervously. “Hi … nice to meet you,” he continued,
remembering his manners and Brian couldn’t help smile to himself as he saw Joan’s eyebrow raise in surprise at his
politeness.
Steering Gus by the shoulders, Brian pointed him towards his own car door. “Let’s go eat,” he stated and then
getting in behind the wheel, Brian started up the engine. They usually stopped off at the Liberty Diner on the way
back from a game, but deciding that wouldn’t be a particularly good move, Brian had opted for somewhere else
instead. He’d already given Joan directions of where they were going and 15 minutes later both cars pulled into the
parking lot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With Gus tucking into his burger, Brian surveyed his own meal. He always went for the chicken and at Debbie’s, it
was at least edible, but on this occasion, he ended up only eating the salad. But that wasn’t important as this was a
treat for Gus and he made sure the boy didn’t eat junk food at other times. Joan, unsurprisingly, forked over her
meal choice, trying to hide the disgust on her face and reached instead for the water. At least Brian had bought
bottled and not gotten them water from the tap.
It had been a little tough to begin with, but eventually, Brian managed to get into some sort of conversation with his
mother. In fairness, she seemed to be trying very hard and Brian thought it only right to try and meet her half way.
And getting over his initial nervousness, Gus also started to chat away, nineteen to the dozen. He talked about
school, playing soccer and surprisingly, even his moms and much to Brian’s amazement, his mother actually
contributed a lot to the conversation and seemed interested in her grandson’s life.
In actual fact, Joan didn’t really approve of the way Gus talked throughout his meal. In her day, it was rather that
children should be seen and not heard, especially at meal times. But on this occasion, she thought it prudent not to
indicate her disapproval. Not until she’d decided what Brian having a child of his own might mean and Joan was
determined to discover as much as she could about her grandson and his relationship with his father.
When the topic of conversation had turned to soccer, Gus talked about playing for his club and that he wanted to be
as good as his dad some day.
“Did you go to see dad play, grandma?” asked Gus, using her title and catching the woman somewhat off guard with
it and his question.
“No … I don’t think I ever did,” confessed Joan and she looked at Brian. “I know you got into college on a soccer
scholarship … but were you really that good?” she asked him and Brian shrugged.
“Yeah … I was … there was talk of me turning pro … but I guess I just didn’t quite make the grade.” Joan frowned.
In her younger days, it wasn’t possible for someone to actually make a living playing sports, it wasn’t considered a
‘real’ job. But these days it was an acceptable profession, though it seemed that footballers and soccer players
earned obscene amounts of money for doing very little. But surprisingly, Joan couldn’t help feeling guilty at how
little attention she’d paid to Brian during those years and wondered, fleetingly, that if she had, could things have
possibly turned out differently?
Brian was quite happy to let Gus take over the talking, but by the end of the meal, he and Joan seemed much more
relaxed with each other and he had to admit that it had gone a whole lot better then he would ever have thought
possible. But when Brian let Gus go and get himself something for dessert, he and his mother were left alone at the
table:
“I can never approve of the way you live, Brian,” she informed him and Brian nodded, appreciating her honesty at
least. “But I would like to get to know my grandson better,” she continued.
“Well, I’ll talk to him later … and if that’s what he wants too … then we can arrange something.”
“But the decision’s Gus’,” stated Brian and Joan nodded in agreement, though secretly appalled that an eleven year
old boy should be given so much power.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“It really went that well?” questioned Justin in undisguised amazement when Brian later recounted his and Gus’
meeting with Joan and Brian shrugged. “I have to admit … begrudgingly … that she was almost pleasant.”
“But I told her it was up to Gus whether they saw each other again or not.”
“And does he want to?” asked Justin and Brian nodded. “I asked him in the car on the way home …he said he
wouldn’t mind meeting up with her again … but I’m not sure I want to leave him on his own with her just yet …
given the poison she’s spewed out in the past.”
“You could invite her here … give her a chance to see we’re quite normal after all,” chuckled Justin. “And let her
see just how well you’ve done for yourself,” he continued and Brian smiled at him.
“Now that I like the sound of,” came the reply.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian arranged for Joan to come over the following Sunday for lunch. Rosa had prepared most things the day before,
which she left in the refrigerator and everything was ready to be cooked in time for their meal.
Brian hated to admit he was nervous about inviting his mother into his home. It wasn’t like he was seeking her
approval, he certainly didn’t need that. It was probably the fact that he hated the thought of it turning into an
argument, like most of their encounters had seemed to in the past and especially with Gus now in the picture. But
then again, their last meeting had passed off pretty well, so maybe there was hope after all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A car was sent to collect her and Joan arrived just after midday. Brian reintroduced Justin, who then retreated to the
kitchen to continue pulling their meal together, leaving Brian and Gus to entertain her.
“Don’t leave us too long!” Brian had instructed him earlier, almost pleadingly. Smiling, Justin promised faithfully
that he wouldn’t.
Joan was very taken with the house and Brian decided to leave it to Gus to give her the grand tour, which didn’t
include Brian and Justin’s bedroom. Some things had to remain private and off limits, decided Brian, but by the time
Gus had brought his grandma to the dining room, Brian had laid the table with all the best linen and tableware; she
couldn’t fail to be impressed! Though Joan wasn’t terribly enamored with one particular picture that adorned
Justin’s studio wall, but chose not to say anything about it.
Joan carefully inspected the Irish Linen table cloth and napkins on the dining table and Brian tried to suppress a
smile when he saw her look of confused approval. Then, with Justin bringing in the serving dishes from the kitchen,
they all took their places at the table. Begrudgingly, Joan had to admit how much she liked the house and was
amazed at how tastefully and expensively, decorated and furnished it was, though it had almost killed her to say so.
“Perhaps Gus would like to say Grace,” suggested Joan, once they were all seated and Justin glanced at Brian. No
religious ceremony was practiced in this household and Brian looked over at Gus, who was obviously at a loss as to
what to do.
“That‘s not something we usually observe,” admitted Brian, truthfully, and he turned his attention back to his
mother.
“But as you’re the guest … maybe you’d like to say it,” he offered her and he saw the look she gave him.
“Does the child get no religious instruction at all?” queried Joan and Brian shook his head. “Only the kind that
teaches right from wrong,” he answered her. “Then I guess it’s up to me,” stated Joan, who then proceeded to give
the usual thanks to the Almighty for what they were about to receive.
Subsequently, the meal started in stony silence, and remained so, with Joan now observing her ’not speaking at the
table’ rule that Brian remembered so well from his childhood.
Trying to relax during their meal was impossible, and even Gus picked up on the tension and remained quiet. Joan
refused second helpings, stating she thought the meat just a little underdone and the vegetables a touch overcooked.
Under the table and out of Joan‘s sight, Justin slipped off his shoe and rubbed Brian’s ankle with his foot, both as a
gesture of support and to try and tell him not to rise to her bait.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Taking Joan through to the living room for coffee after they’d eaten, Brian then left Gus with her to get more
acquainted; that was the aim of this venture after all, while not too far away, Brian and Justin cleared the table,
wrapped up any leftover food for the refrigerator and put the dishes in the dishwasher.
From her place on the sofa, Joan had frowned disapprovingly as she looked into the dining room and observed Justin
place an arm around Brian’s waist as the older man picked up some more dirty dishes. Then she saw her son turn
and smile at Justin, the man glad of his support, before leaning down to kiss him.
While appearing to be listening to Gus, Joan continued to watch her son and his partner with disdain. The affection
between them was obvious and unabashed and when Gus looked around and saw them and called something out to
his father, the fact that the two adult males in his life were in the middle of a kiss did not appear to faze him one bit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Talking to Gus, it occurred to Joan that she now saw very little of Claire’s boys, the youngest of whom was now in
his late teens. But Joan supposed that was only natural as they grew older and that very few young people held their
elders in enough respect to actually spend time with them, if only to see if they had everything they needed or
required any help.
Surveying Gus and seeing how nicely he was clothed and how well behaved and looked after he obviously was, she
hated to admit it, but he was clearly part of a very caring household. But she couldn’t accept that his parents, for it
seemed that Justin also played a large part in Gus’ upbringing, were both male. For despite any love and affection
they provided, how could that be right? In fact it was an abomination and against all that was holy and in addition,
how could Gus be brought up without any religious guidance, a mother’s love, or at least, a positive female role
model?
If nothing else, she owed it to her grandson to provide that positive female role model, together with religious
instruction and Joan came to a decision.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having considered he couldn’t get away with leaving the two of them on their own any longer and helping Justin
bring in the coffee, Brian and Justin joined Joan and Gus in the living. Unlike at the dinner table, the conversation
now seemed much lighter and it seemed to Brian that Joan appeared to have softened by the time he got out the car
to drive her home, though on the journey she still queried the appropriate female influences in Gus’ life and it
became clear to Brian that she wanted to be one of those influences. That was okay, up to a point, he decided and as
long as she didn‘t interfere. Joan then asked if Gus could come around for supper after school one day and Brian
said he’d check with Gus and get back to her.
Joan bit her tongue, on the point of asking sarcastically if Gus made all the decisions, but decided to remain silent
and managed a smile instead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As expected, Gus’ soccer team had indeed come top of their league, with Gus the most prominent goal scorer and
then the youngster had a busy summer break. There was his twelfth birthday for one thing with Brian arranging a
party at the house, inviting Gus’ school friends and soccer team mates. Gus also spent some time away with Tyler
and his family, though both Brian and Justin managed to take days away from work in order to all go out together.
During the break, Gus had also started to see his new grandmother and Brian would go in to work late and drop him
off in the morning and collect him after lunch. Gus then continued to see her usually around once every two weeks
or so, which continued after the start of the new semester, when he would go to her house straight after school. If he
couldn’t make it himself, Brian would send a car to collect Gus from school to take him to the neighborhood he
grew up in and where Joan still lived and then he would pick Gus up on his way home from work. Or, if he was
going to be late, Justin would drive over to collect him instead.
Gus actually seemed to look forward to visiting grandma Joan, as he referred to her, but Brian did wonder what on
earth they could find to talk about every week. Though to keep the peace, Brian made sure Gus didn’t lose contact
with grandma Debbie; his life wouldn’t be worth living if that happened!
Thankfully, Gus did seem reasonably happy now and his grades had picked up, even if there was the odd hiccup at
school every once in a while, which was probably only to be expected of a lively youngster like Gus. But
unfortunately, one evening, much to everyone’s horror, Gus came home with a cut lip.
Brian was appalled to think the boy had been fighting, though he had always taught him to stand up for himself. Gus
had explained it away by saying he’d been sticking up for Tyler, who was being picked on at school, though the
scuffle had taken place after classes had finished and off school grounds.
“I’ll go down the school and sort this out,” declared Brian, much to Gus’ horror. “There’s no need dad … the other
kid won’t bother him now.”
“Then I’ll call Tyler’s mom … make sure everything’s okay …”
“Dad … please don’t make a big deal out of this … the other kid came off worse.”
Brian wasn’t sure whether he should be pleased or horrified by this statement, but he could see Gus clearly didn’t
want him to take it any further and knew how embarrassing and humiliating it would be for him to have his dad
show up at school if it wasn’t necessary.
“Are you sure there’s nothing else to it?” Brian asked him and Gus nodded. “Scouts honor,” Gus promised him and
then headed up to his room.
“He’s not in the scouts,” frowned Brian to Justin after Gus had left and made a note to have a quiet word with Gus’
teacher anyway, just to make sure things weren’t more serious than his son was making out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With both Justin and Brian’s businesses increasing workloads, Gus’ school routine and soccer commitments and his
regular visits to both his grandma’s, everything seemed to be going along just fine, if a little more hectic than usual.
But life was good and slowly, with more regular contact, Brian was beginning to think there might even be the
chance of a real relationship with his mother.
Until, that is, Brian realized he’d been lulled into a false sense of security when the letter with the heading Langton,
Harrington & Associates dropped onto the doormat.
Brian didn’t get to look at the mail until Justin pointed it out to him. He’d had to work a little late this evening and
when he got home, Justin was pulling together the meal that Rosa had left for them. When work allowed, Brian was
more than happy to take his turn at making dinner, always surprising himself at how domesticated he’d become and
he hadn‘t poisoned anyone yet. But working at home, this task more often fell to Justin. He didn’t mind, he’d always
enjoyed cooking, though this evening, Gus had already eaten and was in his room doing his homework.
Brian poured himself out a glass of Beam; Justin already had a drink started. And sitting down on the sofa, he began
to look over the mail that had been delivered earlier that morning. Frowning, Brian put down his glass and reached
for the letter opener.
It was just as well that Joan wasn’t within reach, or he might very well have used it to stab her in her scheming,
lying, bitch of a heart.
“Cunt … the fucking cunt!” declared Brian loudly and he threw the letter down on the coffee table and still holding
the letter opener menacingly in one hand, with the other, reached out for his glass and took a rather large swallow of
his drink.
Brian and Justin had always tried not to swear in front of Gus, who was thankfully well out of earshot. But Justin
heard Brian clearly from the kitchen and concerned about what had upset him so much, stopped what he was doing
to go an investigate.
“What the hell’s wrong?” asked Justin and Brian pointed to the letter on the coffee table. Justin picked it up.
“She can’t be serious … can she?” asked Justin, after he’d read it and Brian took a deep breath and placed the letter
opener on the coffee table.
“Oh yes she can.”
“My fucking mother is challenging my right … our right … to bring up my son … our son.”
“Citing my past and our relationship …“
“She wants custody,” stated Brian, running his hand through his hair and Justin knew what was going through his
mind; what was going through both their minds.
That in this state, as in the majority of the U.S. and without any legal protection on their side, she might just get it.
Chapter 2
“What the hell are you up to?” demanded Brian, as he threw the letter down on the dining table in front of her. He
was fuming and doing his utmost to control his temper.
Brian had seethed about the letter all the previous evening, resisting the impulse of telephoning Joan, knowing the
call was bound to end acrimoniously and accomplish nothing. The temptation to storm over there early this morning
had also proven almost too great, but he knew he had to stay calm. Deciding not to call her and warn her he was
coming; that she didn’t deserve that courtesy, Brian waited until mid-morning before turning up on her doorstep. But
Joan was expecting him, of course. She didn’t expect Brian not to react, once he’d received the letter from her
attorney.
“Did you really think I could turn a blind eye … while you expose an innocent child to your disgusting and decadent
lifestyle?” countered Joan calmly, and Brian rounded on her.
“You know nothing about me, or my lifestyle.”
“But for your information … since I’ve had responsibility for Gus …I’d challenge anyone who thinks I’m not
raising him right,” stated Brian, but his mother was far from finished.
“Oh please … your history speaks for itself … all the men you’ve been with … the alcohol and drug abuse …”
“Well, I see someone’s been doing their homework,” interjected Brian, sarcastically.
“Did you think I could leave my own grandson to be brought up in the house you share with your … your male
lover?” continued Joan, with obvious disgust and determined not to be fazed.
“Justin’s my partner … my husband … in all but name.“
“And our relationship is as valid as anyone else’s … not that I have to justify myself to you,” countered Brian.
“No … maybe not,” agreed Joan. “But a court of law may see things differently.”
“If you think I’m going to stand by … and let you take my kid away without a fight …”
“I hope that isn’t a threat Brian … courts don’t take too kindly to threats,” stated Joan, icily.
“Oh, that’s not a threat … that’s a promise,” vowed Brian, but Joan shook her head in determination.
“Gus needs a mother … and a decent, Christian upbringing,” she continued and Brian snorted.
“A mother like you, you mean? Who was never there for her kids when they needed her.” accused Brian.
“And as for a Christian upbringing … no doubt teaching him to hate his own family … and how his father’s going to
hell.”
“You call that Christian?”
“I’m surprised you didn’t tell him his moms are there already,” he continued, scathingly.
“I’m sure his mother was … misguided,” stated Joan and Brian chuckled.
“That’s one word for it.“
“And I suppose you think you can do a better job? At your age?“
“Do you really think you can handle a lively twelve year old full-time?” asked Brian and Joan shrugged.
“I’m at home all day … I can devote all my time to him … and this house is plenty big enough to accommodate a
child.”
“Besides … if I do need help … Claire has brought up two sons successfully …”
“CLAIRE?”
“So is that the plan … that you and my sister bring up my son … to be a homophobic little prick like her own?”
Brian momentarily closed his eyes and shook his head in frustration and then rubbed the bridge of his nose.
“Why? Why are you doing this?”
“Do you really hate me that much?” he asked her, realizing his willingness to allow Joan to meet Gus in the first
place was no doubt a last gasp effort at some sort of relationship with his mother. But, alas, it seemed that
relationship was as illusive as it had ever been as Joan refused to answer that particular question, one that Brian had
asked himself many times before.
“Gus has a good life … he’s with people who love him … who take care of him.”
“I love my son,” continued Brian, earnestly.
“Have you asked his opinion lately?” asked Joan and Brian narrowed his eyes. That was an odd question to ask from
someone who, as Brian recalled from his own childhood, usually thought that a child’s opinion didn’t count for
much. But it certainly sounded like his mother knew something he didn’t.
“What has he said?” demanded Brian and he was sure he saw a smirk on his mother’s face.
“You say you love Gus … yet you have absolutely no idea what’s really going on with him.“
“I think you should talk to your son,” Joan informed him. Brian frowned and was at a loss to know what to say. Joan
certainly sounded positive that she had information he wasn’t privy to regarding Gus and without another word,
Brian picked up the letter, turned on his heel and left.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everyone was working flat out and Brian had a workload he couldn’t delegate. He struggled to concentrate for the
rest of the day, his anger increasing with every passing hour, but not just at Joan. Brian was angry that he’d even
begun to allow himself to think he could ever have anything that remotely resembled some sort of normal
relationship with his mother. He should have known better.
Having taken time out during the day, Brian had to work on and even though it was Friday night, by the time he got
home, it was too late to talk to Gus, as the boy was already in bed and asleep. But there was someone he could talk
to. He didn’t feel like facing her and he’d just about calmed down enough to actually speak to her, but maybe Claire
would give him some clue as to what the hell his mother was talking about.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I can’t add anything to what mother told you already,” stated Claire curtly on the phone. Brian had called her the
moment he got home, but Joan had gotten there much earlier, of course.
“Why the hell do you have to interfere in our lives?” demanded Brian, but all he got on the other end of the line was
stony silence; reminding him that Claire was too much like their mother.
“I happen to agree with mom,” Claire answered him eventually. “It isn’t healthy for a boy to be brought up by two
… men,” she continued, the pause in her statement shouting volumes.
“Like bringing kids up in a broken home is any better?” countered Brian and he heard Claire’s intake of breath.
“At least they have a mother …”
“Well excuse Gus’ mothers for dying on him so inconsiderately,” and Brian slammed down the phone. He knew he
wasn’t going to get any joy there and wouldn’t be surprised if even Claire didn’t really know the full story, the way
Joan liked to keep things to herself.
But he still had that gnawing feeling that his mother knew something he didn’t and it wouldn’t let him go and Brian
spent the rest of the evening pacing the living room floor, with a glass of Beam in his hand, refusing dinner.
“I’m sure it can’t be anything really bad … your mother’s probably bluffing,” offered Justin, as a possible
explanation for her statement, as he tried to calm him down, but Brian shook his head. “Joan’s not that good an
actress … she knows something … something that Gus isn’t telling us,” stated Brian, with a heavy heart.
Justin sighed. He hated seeing how worried Brian was about the possibility of losing Gus; he hated the thought too.
He knew how far Brian had come since Gus was merely a passing thought mentioned by Lindsay when she and Mel
had first talked about wanting a child of their own. Having agreed to father the child, Justin knew Brian was
supposed to have nothing to do with the boy and in the early days of their own relationship, he’d vehemently stated
that was his intention. But it hadn’t taken Justin long to figure that deep down, Brian had loved his son from the very
first time he’d held him in his arms; the night he and Justin had met and that Brian had only denied wanting any
involvement owing to the experience he’d had with his own father and didn’t trust himself: fearing history would no
doubt be repeated.
But Justin knew that was highly unlikely and had sought to tell Brian, more than once, that he wasn’t his father. He
wished he could do more than just offer words of encouragement.
He could be there of course, to support him. But he feared there was nothing practical he could do. If Joan carried
out her threat to challenge Brian for custody of Gus through the courts and brought up the man’s past as evidence
against him, with the way the law stood, there was always a chance she’d win and Justin knew that would surely tear
Brian apart. And if that happened, despite Brian’s tough exterior, Justin knew how hard it would be to put the pieces
back together again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian was careful to only have one drink, albeit a large one. He needed a clear head in the morning: Any more and
wasn’t he living up to the reputation his mother held of him?
He was clearly worried when he came up to bed and unusually for Brian, in no mood for sex. Though that in itself
was not necessarily a bad thing, as it confirmed that Brian no longer needed sex as a crutch; a way of shutting
himself off from the outside world and whatever was bothering him. In the past, Brian had portrayed as a totally
confident and single-minded individual, when contrary to popular belief, he was a mass of conflictions and
contradictions. Fearful of his own emotions and of anyone getting too close. A man with seemingly an impenetrable
shield around him, but who in truth, bruised easily.
But finding himself unexpectedly caring for his son and then finally having Justin permanently in his life, had totally
changed everything. Brian now trusted himself to be the man he could be; the man he now was. But that didn’t
cancel out everything he’d done in the past, some of which he knew was definitely dubious. And it certainly didn’t
stop him tossing and turning and only eventually settling when Justin had snuggled up behind him and reached
around and taken his hand. Brian had squeezed Justin’s hand in return and held it tightly to his chest, feeling the
younger man’s breath on the back of his neck and the heat from the closeness of his body, knowing that whatever
else happened in the world, Justin would now always be there.
To now have the love of a man such as Justin was something Brian never envisaged wanting nor needing. Justin
understood him and to know he had his love and support unconditionally had Brian believing there wasn’t anything
he couldn’t do. But he hated the thought of having to face down his own mother in her challenge over Gus; the one
person in the world a gay boy was always supposed to be able to trust and go to for support. If only that were true.
But in truth, Brian had never had that love and support from those who should have given it unquestioningly and
unconditionally. Apart from anything else, Brian feared how the effect of a court case, if it came to that, would have
on Gus. How the hell could the boy face up to being taken away from Brian; he’d already lost his moms. But for
Brian, for someone to find himself opposing his mother over custody of his son, was something no-one should ever
have to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tackling Gus about what Joan had said without worrying the boy wouldn’t be easy. If the lad had been ten years
older, Brian would probably have steamed in and demanded what the woman was talking about. But you can’t do
that with a twelve year old and a boy you love, probably more than life itself.
Brian rarely slept late these days and Saturdays were no exception, this one even more so, and his stomach was
turning somersaults and getting up to a quiet household, black coffee was all he could get down. Before he had care
of Gus, Brian would quite likely have succumbed to something chemical to help him confront a situation he wasn’t
looking forward to facing. But that‘s what probably brought him to this situation, surmised Brian and a time he
couldn’t afford, or wished, to return to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coming down for breakfast, Gus dropped his sports bag by the back door for later. He had a soccer game to take
part in and, as usual, both Brian and Justin had promised they’d be there, though it was Tyler’s dad who would be
picking him up and taking him to the pre-match preparations.
As during the week, at weekends, they always got their own breakfast; Rosa wouldn’t be back until Monday and on
a week day, didn’t normally get in until after Gus had left for school.
Now, this morning, Brian had the bread in the toaster, cereal packets out on the table and the juice from the
refrigerator: As much to keep busy as anything else.
Brian had been up a while by now and had showered and dressed long before Justin had woken, such was the older
man’s uneasiness. He tried to act as if nothing was bothering him, something he’d had a lot of practice with over the
years, but having also showered and dressed and coming down to join them, Justin could see how much Brian was
suffering the moment he laid eyes on him. Even Gus caught the unspoken messages that passed between the two
men. He could see the concern in both their eyes and he frowned as he took his place at the table, wondering what it
was he’d done, or whether they’d actually discovered the truth.
Having brought the toast to the table, Brian poured out Gus’ juice while Justin poured out his and Brian’s coffee
before reaching for cereal himself.
Taking his place, Brian played with a slice of toast, managing one mouthful before it stuck in his gullet; the unusual
silence hanging heavy over the breakfast table.
As Gus started buttering his toast, Brian took a swallow of his coffee and trying to appear casual, picked up the
newly delivered morning paper and he cleared his throat, eventually managing to speak.
“I’ve been meaning to ask … what have you and grandma Joan been talking about lately?” asked Brian, putting the
paper back down again and Justin took a swallow of his coffee and managed not to look at him; Gus shrugged.
“Stuff,” came the non-committal reply through his toast.
“What sort of stuff?” enquired Brian, reigning in his overwhelming anxiety.
“Just stuff,” repeated Gus and Brian took a deep breath.
“Well … does grandma ever talk about me … or ask about Justin and me?”
“Sometimes,” answered his son.
“What does she ask about us?”
“Brian,” cautioned Justin quietly, but with his stomach churning further and his heart thumping, Brian didn’t hear
him.
“I asked you a question, Gus … what does your grandma want to know about Justin and me?” Brian rarely lost his
temper with Gus; haunted by his own childhood memories of being on the wrong end himself and usually managed
to rationalize through any problems they had. But Gus didn’t understand the gravity of the situation they were now
apparently facing and although he didn’t mean to sound angry, even Gus caught the now all too apparent edge in
Brian’s tone as his dad couldn’t disguise his frustration.
Gus looked down at his plate. “She just thinks it’s sad … that I’ve got two dads and that I don’t have a mom looking
after me,” stated Gus, sadly. His grandma had recently taken to telling him this every time they met up. But to Gus it
seemed the woman was just showing genuine concern for him, and how sad he always felt at being reminded about
losing his moms. Brian rolled his lips into his mouth and nodded; the words ‘I bet she does’ going through his mind.
“What else?”
“Well … she asks like … what we do … when we’re all together … just the three of us.”
Brian blinked. That sounded an odd question for Joan to ask; what the fuck did his mother think they did? But then
he felt the bile rise as it dawned on him. Did Joan think they were abusing Gus? And the vileness of that unspoken
accusation made Brian sick to his stomach.
Justin also understood the implication as he saw Brian pale and clench his fist and instinctively reached out to cover
the older man’s hand with his own, but Brian pulled away.
“What did you tell her?” asked Brian, trying with all his might to keep his voice even and Gus frowned.
“I dunno …”
“What do you mean you don’t know?” demanded his father and Justin momentarily closed his eyes. He knew how
painful it was for Brian to think his mother actually feared he could harm his son in any way. But then there was a
history of physical abuse, so maybe she couldn’t be blamed for asking after all.
“I just tell her we do the usual stuff,” stated Gus, becoming frustrated by all the questions and wondering why it was
he seemed to be getting such a grilling and Brian sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
“Like what?” his dad asked him, desperate to get a handle on anything his mother might be seeking to use against
him.
“Like … we watch tv … play video games and soccer … the usual stuff.”
“Is that it?” Brian asked his son and Gus shrugged.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, dad,” and he sighed.
“Grandma’s been really nice … but …” and he suddenly stopped.
“But what?” asked Brian, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.
“Grandma says the two of you haven’t been getting along … and that you didn’t even tell her about me until a little
while ago.”
“Why dad … why didn’t you tell grandma about me?” asked Gus and Brian swallowed.
“Like she said … we hadn’t been getting along,” repeated Brian and Gus frowned. “But I’m twelve years old, dad.”
“It would have been nice to have met her before,” continued Gus and for a moment, Brian couldn’t help feeling a
pang of guilt that he’d denied Gus his grandma for so long. But on the other hand, he knew how manipulative Joan
could be and it was quite within her abilities to attempt to make him feel guilty about keeping the two of them apart
through Gus. And although it sounded as if his mom and son got along, Brian knew now for sure that he couldn’t
trust her.
“But you know each other now,” stated Brian and realizing that whatever happened from here on in, Gus was bound
to be upset. If there was a court case and Joan won, then she would be awarded custody, he’d lose Brian and they‘d
probably only be allowed a certain amount of contact with each other.
And even if there wasn’t a court case, there was no way Brian could continue to let Gus see his grandma now,
knowing she would even contemplate removing his son from his care. But how was he going to explain that to Gus?
“What else do you talk about?” continued Brian, still not yet understanding what his mother was meaning in their
last conversation concerning Gus.
“Do you talk about school … or … soccer … what?“ continued Brian, grasping at straws and he caught the look
Justin couldn’t then stop himself from giving him. The look that said: “Don’t push it”, but the look Brian chose to
ignore.
“Sometimes,” stated Gus, taking another mouthful of his toast. “Though …”
“Though what?” jumped in Brian, in his eagerness.
“Well … grandma did ask what friends I had and how I‘m doing at school.”
“You’ve got lots of friends,” interjected Justin. “And your grades have been better lately,” he continued, but he saw
Gus frown in response. “I guess,” admitted the youngster, quietly, hoping the two men didn’t want to take that any
further. But Brian caught his son’s uneasiness.
“You had that glitch a while ago … but things have gotten better … haven’t they?” asked Brian, but Gus only
reached out for his juice and took a swallow; Brian and Justin exchanged looks.
“Well haven’t they?” asked Brian again, determined to find out whether there was something going on at school that
he should know about, but Gus only shrugged. Inwardly, Brian swore at himself. He’d been meaning to get in touch
with the school after Gus had come home that time with a cut lip, but his heavy workload and introducing Gus to his
grandma had gotten in the way. And with everything seemingly having settled down, Brian hadn‘t thought to take it
further.
“Is everything now okay at school Gus?” asked Justin, the question Gus was dreading, but he, too, only got silence
in reply.
“Justin asked you a question,” stated Brian and Gus sighed heavily and his words almost sounded as if he resented
having to answer.
“Why are you both going on at me?” asked the youngster.
“We’re not … we just wanna make sure you’re okay,” stated Justin, getting in before Brian was about to say the
same thing. But neither of them were ready for Gus’ reply.
“But you’re not my dad … so why do you care?”
Justin blinked and sat back in his chair and for the moment, both he and Brian were speechless. Gus had always got
on so well with Justin and had never rounded on him like that before and though on occasion, earlier in their
relationship, Justin had deferred to Brian after Gus had asked permission for something when his dad was at work,
lately, both Brian and Justin, trusted Justin’s judgment to make a decision in Gus’ best interest. They shared the
parental responsibilities equally.
“Justin loves you every bit as much as I do,” stated Brian, knowing that for fact. “How can you say something like
that?” and he looked across at Justin, who was really more stunned than hurt by Gus’ outburst, knowing how easy it
was for kids to say things they didn‘t really understand or mean.
“Of course I do, Gus,” confirmed Justin, seeking to reassure the youngster. “I thought you knew that … we both
love you …”
“But that’s it … don’t you get it?” asked Gus, obviously upset and exasperated by how the conversation was going.
“Get what?” asked Brian, dumbfounded and still trying to understand his son.
“All the kids at school … have either a mom and a dad … OR a mom OR a dad …”
“Do you know what it’s like to have two dads?”
“Two dads who live together?” asked Gus and the catch in his voice was now all too apparent.
“I … I didn’t think that had been a problem,” stated Brian, or at least Gus had never mentioned it before.
“Is it … is it a problem, Gus?” asked Brian softly, saddened greatly at his son’s obvious distress as he saw Gus’
bottom lip tremble and he reached out to place a hand on the boy’s shoulder. Gus nodded.
“I didn’t want to upset you … I thought I could handle it,” he admitted, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand,
finally revealing now just how upset he was at whatever had been happening.
“Did you tell grandma something was bothering you?” asked Brian in realization and Gus looked down.
“I told her the kids had been teasing me ‘cos I had two dads,” and Gus’ face crumpled as he tried to hold in the tears.
“Do you know what it’s like to be called a queer’s kid … to have kids yell ‘faggot’ at you in the school yard… in
front of everyone?” sobbed Gus, his feelings now getting the better of him completely and he suddenly got to his
feet, pushing his chair back, which rocked and threatened to topple over.
“They make fun of me and call me names … they call you names …” continued Gus, now shaking with emotion and
unable to rein in.
“They call you fags … and cocksuckers … and then say I must be one too …“
“I hate it!”
“I hate it … and I hate you!” and turning, Gus bolted out the door and up the stairs to his room.
“Gus!”
“GUS!” His son’s suffering gone unnoticed likely for so long, broke Brian’s heart and he called after him, getting to
his feet and intent on following him, but Justin reached out to halt his progress.
“Leave him … let him cool off a while,” suggested Justin, also upset and shaken following the boy‘s outburst. And
now also on his feet, he tugged at Brian’s elbow.
“It sounded like it’s been building up for some time … poor kid.”
Brian nodded his agreement. “Well, now we know what Joan was talking about,” he stated and he sighed in
helplessness. If Joan could prove that Gus suffered abuse and humiliation at the hands of others, owing to his
father’s sexuality and his domestic arrangements, that could surely be used against him.
With everything now so apparent, Brian and Justin sat back down at the table. “Why is this happening now?”
queried Brian.
“He’s never said anything happened before … and he was brought up by two moms then,” he continued,
exasperated and Justin shrugged.
“Maybe he was too young to understand then.”
“But he’s older … he knows what people are saying now … he knows what the words mean.”
“You know how cruel kids can be,” continued Justin, and getting up again, he started to clear away their mostly
uneaten breakfast. Justin tried to retain an air of normality, but his insides were shaking: Gus’ distress getting to him
every bit as much as it did to Brian.
“But you’re a great dad … you love Gus … we both love Gus … I love him as if he were my own,” declared Justin
earnestly and Brian smiled at him. “I know you do,” came the answer. Justin‘s love for Gus was obvious and it had
always gladdened Brian‘s heart to see the two of them together, usually getting on so well.
“And who says guys can’t … or shouldn’t … raise a kid on their own?” questioned the younger man, as he began to
load the dishwasher.
Brian shrugged. “No one as far as I’m concerned,” and he snorted. “It’s not as if Joan ever qualified for mother of
the year herself.”
“But that’s just the sort of statement I’d expect her to come out with.”
With their plans for the day looking like they’d probably been thrown into disarray, after clearing away the breakfast
things, Brian decided to try and look over a few work papers for a while, giving Gus a little time to cool down, and
Justin went up to his studio.
Passing by Gus’ door to get to his office, Brian stopped and listened. He could hear Gus’ tv on with his favorite
Spiderman DVD masking any other noises. Brian took hold of the door handle but then paused, deciding to give Gus
just a little more time to calm down and think about what he’d said.
For thirty minutes, Brian just stared at the papers; nothing was registering. He was still worrying about the situation
with Gus and he looked at his watch. It was about forty-five minutes now since Gus’ outburst, and just as he was
about to get up and go and see how the boy was doing, there was a quiet knock on the open door of his small office
and he looked around to find his son standing there.
“Hi champ,” greeted Brian as he turned away from his desk, only to have his son burst into tears and quickly cross
the short distance between them, before throwing himself into his father’s arms.
“Dad … I’m sorry …”
Brian closed his eyes and held his son tightly, stroking the boy‘s hair. “Hey … it’s okay,” whispered Brian. “And it
means a lot that you came to say that,” and he pulled back to look at him, gently wiping away Gus’ tears with his
thumbs.
“I didn’t mean to say those things and call you names,” choked Gus and Brian nodded. “I know … and I hope you
remember to say that to Justin too,” reminded Brian and Gus nodded.
“You know … those names … I know they hurt … but they are only words, Gus … and it’s only ignorant people
who need to use them.”
“Why … why do they say those things?” asked Gus and for the first time in a little while, Brian pulled his son onto
his lap. Thankfully, he wasn’t yet too big for a cuddle. Neither of them were.
“People are afraid of things they don’t really understand … or of anyone or anything they think are different.”
“But there are lots of people like Justin and me … I mean there’s Michael and Ben … Emmett and Ted … and
they’re only the people we know … there’s lots more besides.”
“And your moms of course,” reminded Brian and Gus frowned.
“So being gay isn’t strange?” asked Gus and reaching out, Brian brushed the hair back from the youngsters eyes.
“Some people think it is … some people even think it’s evil …” and Brian leaned in nearer, almost conspiratorially.
“Do you think me or Justin are evil?” asked Brian and his son shook his head.
“Or Em?” continued Brian, raising his eyebrow and poking his son gently in the tummy and Gus chuckled.
“Emmett?”
“Emmett,” confirmed Brian and Gus chuckled more. “That’s dumb.”
“Yes … it is,” confirmed Brian and Gus sighed and Brian could see he was thinking about something before finally:
“Am I gay?” asked Gus out of the blue and Brian frowned. He knew some guys were late starters, but by the time he
was Gus’ age, Brian knew he had no interest in girls and it wasn’t just the normal adolescent revulsion at having to
kiss female relatives or forced to sit next to girls in class.
Brian could still clearly remember kissing Amy Linsdale in fourth grade while joining in a game of Kiss Chase in
the school yard. She was a pretty little thing with big brown eyes and pigtails and Brian, tall for his age and already
regarded as cute by the girls, was obviously her target and a game of ‘chase me, I wanna get caught’ had resulted in
Brian being egged on by the other boys to go after her. Even at that tender age, Amy knew exactly what she wanted.
Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out to be the same for Brian, who having caught her, then found the whole kissing thing
pretty repulsive. Until of course he kissed his first boy … but that’s another story …
“Dad?”
Brian blinked and leaving memory lane behind, smiled at his son.
“Do you think you’re gay?” he asked him and Gus shrugged and then clearly blushed.
“There is this girl at school … Carol-Ann … she’s pretty,” and then suddenly, Gus frowned.
“Would you care?” he asked him and Brian shrugged. “About what?” and he saw Gus bite his lip before answering.
“If I wasn’t gay,” Gus continued and smiling, Brian shook his head.
“The only thing I care about … is that you’re happy.”
“You just grow up to be who you are, Gus,” stated Brian earnestly, knowing how hard it was to grow up around
people and not be who you wanted to be: who you are. Brian had been thirty before his mom knew he was gay and
although Brian had always contended that it was nobody’s business but his own, and still believed it, he hoped that
Gus would always be able to be honest around the people he loved and who loved him.
“I’m sorry,” repeated the youngster. “I know, Gus … it’s okay,” and then they both glanced round as movement
caught their eyes.
Justin was also finding it difficult to concentrate on anything, his mind wandering from one thing to another and he
was making his way downstairs to the living room to collect a file he’d left there the previous evening. Plus it was
also an excuse to pass by Gus’ room to see how the boy was doing.
Having seen Gus was in Brian’s office with him and not wanting to interrupt, Justin had walked quietly by. But
having seen him, Gus looked back at his dad, asking the unspoken question and Brian nodded. “Go on,” he told him.
“Justin.” Climbing off Brian’s lap, Gus walked over to the doorway as Justin, hearing the youngster call out for him,
retraced his steps along the hallway.
“Hi Gus,” Justin smiled at him, only for the boy to reach out and hug him, his arms tight around Justin’s waist.
“I’m sorry I was so mean to you earlier,” the youngster told him and he looked up at him and then back at his dad.
“And I love having you as my dads … really I do,“ stated Gus and Brian and Justin grinned at each other before
Justin squeezed the boy’s shoulder.
“It sounded like you’d been having a tough time at school,” stated Justin and Gus nodded.
“But dad explained … I won’t let the other kids bother me any more,” the boy continued and Justin nodded and
glanced at Brian. Mentally, both men crossed their fingers, but they knew it was doubtful that Gus wouldn’t hear
those insults again.
“Gus,” called out Brian, and turning around, the boy walked back to him and reaching out, Brian took hold of his
hand and drew him in.
“Promise me … promise both of us … that if any kids call you names or upset you again … that you’ll tell us,”
stated Brian and Gus nodded. “I will dad,” promised his son and Brian smiled but then frowned at him.
“Do you still feel like going to your game?” he asked him and Gus nodded.
“Then why don’t you go and call Tyler and tell him that we’ll drive you today,” continued Brian, wanting to spend
as much time with his son as possible and make sure he was genuinely okay. But also at the back of his mind was
the feeling that he didn’t want to let him out of his sight.
“Okay,” agreed Gus and he trotted downstairs to use the phone in the living room.
“Is he okay?” asked Justin, eager for confirmation, once Gus had left them. “I think so,” answered Brian.
“He asked me if he was gay … and then he said there was a pretty little girl at school …”
“Uh-Oh,”
“Sounds like that ‘father-son’ conversation is overdue,” Justin grinned at him and Brian shook his head and groaned.
“That’s something I used to think I’d never have to do,” he admitted, not exactly looking forward to it and having
hoped that school had taken care of that particular topic.
Sighing heavily, Brian closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair. “I should never have told Joan about him.”
“Have you said anything about Joan yet?” asked Justin and opening his eyes again, Brian shook his head.
“I’ll tell him later … after his game … I don’t want to spoil that for him,” stated Brian, dreading how he was going
to tell the boy he wasn’t going to be able to see his grandma any more and not be the bad guy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As it was, Gus didn’t particularly have a good game though he wasn’t the only one. The whole team seemed a little
below par and suffered their first defeat of the new season. But as usual, Brian, Justin and Gus stopped off on the
way home for a burger; a welcomed postponement for what Brian knew was to come later.
And getting home, Brian steered Gus into the living room, sitting him down on the sofa and taking his place beside
him, while Justin took a seat in an armchair.
“Gus … there’s something we have to talk about,” stated Brian and he took a deep breath.
Gus blinked and looked from his dad to Justin and then back again. Were they still mad at him about this morning,
he wondered and he saw his father swallow.
“It’s about grandma … grandma Joan.”
Taking joint responsibility for Gus, Brian and Justin had talked during the game and had been considering what the
boy should be told.
It wasn’t easy to reach a decision. How much should Gus be told? Should he be lied to with some made up excuse as
to why he couldn’t see his grandma? Something about Joan’s health maybe? Or should they simply tell him the
truth?
In the end, there wasn’t anything else to be done. If Gus found out later that he’d been lied to, he’d probably be even
more upset.
“Grandma … grandma Joan doesn’t think you should be brought up by Justin and me,” Brian told him, giving it to
him straight, but his tone quiet so as not to worry the boy.
“Why?” asked Gus in confusion and Brian looked over at Justin and then back at his son.
“Because we’re gay,” stated Brian, matter of factly.
“But you’re my dad,” answered Gus, still bewildered and Brian nodded. “And your grandma’s my mom … but she
doesn’t approve of the way I am.”
“She wants you to go and live with her,” and taking a deep breath and preparing himself for the worst, Brian asked
the question he couldn’t avoid knowing the answer to.
“What do you think about that?” asked Brian and Gus frowned. “I love grandma … but I don’t want to live with
her.”
“Do you want me to?” asked Gus, accusingly but reaching out, Brian drew him in closer.
“No … of course not … we want you here with us …” Brian hesitated. Gus obviously cared about his grandma and
he hated to burst the boy’s bubble and act so mean at the same time.
Telling Gus that his grandma was threatening to go to court and have him taken away from them would scare him
unnecessarily at this juncture, decided Brian, still hoping to talk some sense into Joan before it got to that point and
there was no way he wanted to deliberately worry Gus.
Putting his arm around Gus and hugging him, Brian sought to reassure him. “I think it would be a good idea if you
didn’t spend any more time with grandma … just for a while … while we get this sorted out,” suggested Brian and
Gus nodded. “I guess,” he answered him, genuinely disappointed.
“You could talk to her on the phone … as long as Justin or I are with you,” offered Brian as some sort of
compromise. “But I don’t think you should go see her … is that okay?”
“Okay dad,” replied Gus and Brian smiled at him. “Good boy … now … why don’t you get that latest video game
out … so I can whip your butt …”
Gus grinned. “No way! … I beat you twice already,” he reminded him triumphantly and Brian nodded and then
suddenly and without warning, scooped Gus up, pulling him onto his lap and he started to tickle his son. “But I‘m
gonna get you back,” he told him and eventually, a giggling and happy twelve year old, squirmed out of his father‘s
hold and ran upstairs to collect the game.
Justin smiled at Brian. “You handled that well,” he told him, once Gus was out of earshot and getting up, Justin
crossed the floor to sit beside him.
“One day … you should tell him … what you went through when you were growing up,” suggested Justin and Brian
shrugged.
“Maybe … when he’s old enough to understand.”
“In the meantime … I don’t wanna fill the kid’s head with horror stories,” answered Brian.
“Do you think you’ll be able to talk her round?” asked Justin and Brian shrugged. “I hope so … but I know one
thing for sure.”
“What’s that?” asked Justin frowning.
“I’m gonna fucking kill Debbie next time I see her,” Brian informed him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meeting with his attorney at the first opportunity, Brian only had his worst fears confirmed. If Joan could produce
witnesses to Brian’s past lifestyle; the men, the drugs and the alcohol, together with proof of Gus’ problems at
school, she could very well make a good case for guardianship.
“Prepare for a visit from Child Welfare Services,” Mike Brubaker warned him and Brian groaned.
“Well … that would be part of my game plan,” the other man continued.
“Could they just turn up and take him?” asked Brian fearfully and Mike shook his head.
“Not if Gus wasn’t in any immediate danger.”
“Think about it … if that was possible … I would have expected Mrs. Kinney to have already attempted it.”
“Good,” sighed Brian in relief.
“But it could turn ugly if it does go to court … or if it could be proved that Gus was at risk from emotional, physical
… or sexual abuse,” Mike informed him.
“What we need to do is go through all the positives in Gus’ life …”
“But that doesn’t cancel out my past … does it?” suggested Brian and Mike shrugged. Thankfully, Mike had known
Brian for years and knew pretty much what could exactly be held against the man. Hell, Brian had even done him.
“No,” Mike admitted. “But what we have to do is make a case for now … remind everyone how you totally changed
your life around once you took responsibility for Gus.”
“How you moved back from New York … re-arranged your work … bought a house … employed a house-keeper
…”
“Plus the fact that you’re now in a committed, monogamous relationship.”
Brian shook his head, closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose: ‘Committed … monogamous …
relationship.’
Jesus H. It wasn’t that long ago that those three words wouldn’t even have entered his vocabulary. But thankfully,
now they would. Together with those other three little words of course, that Brian now found himself able to say.
“I’ll start to pull something together,” stated Mike and both men rose to their feet and shook hands.
“And don’t worry,” Mike told him as Brian smiled feebly. But that was easy for someone else to say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian knew that the best thing he could do, was try and talk Joan round, even though it sickened him to have to
admit it. And having left his attorney’s office, Brian again visited his childhood home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I didn’t think I’d be seeing you again so quickly,” Joan admitted as she opened the door to him and Brian tried his
best to smile pleasantly.
“Well … maybe we both said things we shouldn’t have.”
“We’ve had time to cool off …”
“I meant every word I said,” Joan told him as she closed the door and made her way into the parlor. Brian followed
her and while Joan sat, her son remained standing.
“There is absolutely no case to be made for you to claim rights to my son,” stated Brian, trying to remain cool and
calm while his mother, the Ice Queen, sat regally in her chair, with her hands folded in her lap, as if holding court.
“Is that what your attorney told you?” Joan asked him. “I think you’re wasting your money … once your past comes
to light … do you really think you have a chance of keeping Gus?”
Momentarily, Brian closed his eyes. “My past …” and he shook his head. “You’re determined to bring that up,” and
Brian felt the anger start to bubble inside and before he knew it:
“Did it ever occur to you just how much influence you had in creating who I became?”
“You and Jack?“ asked Brian and he saw his mother straighten.
“Are you saying your father and I made you … made you …“ stuttered Joan and Brian’s bile rose further.
“A homosexual … go on … say it!”
“You can’t … can you?” accused Brian, reliving again the disappointment he remembered feeling the first time
around when his mother couldn’t or wouldn’t recognize who or what he was.
“Well if it wasn’t you and dad … I don’t know wherever the hell else I came from,” stated Brian and he saw Joan
blink and look away.
“So you’re saying it is our fault …” she continued, looking back and Brian nodded.
“The same as if I’d turned out with blue eyes … or left-handed …“
“Don’t you dare stand there and tell me it’s a perfectly natural occurrence,” interrupted Joan.
“There is absolutely nothing natural with the practices in which you indulge,” his mother informed him and Brian
now shook his head in exasperation.
“You’re wrong … but it wasn’t just that I was talking about,” Brian continued and Joan frowned in confusion.
Brian paused. If only his mother could understand and accept how it had been, maybe there was still a chance.
He wanted to tell her that the reason he used all those men, the drugs and the alcohol, was to try and shut out any
part of him that might feel anything. Or at least those feelings that his father hadn’t beaten out of him already. Brian
felt his stomach muscles tighten. How could facing his mother like this, at his age, still make him feel like a child? A
child who, if challenged, would have denied craving his mother’s love. But it would be a very strange child who
didn’t crave it.
Inwardly, Brian sighed. He wasn’t a child any longer, but nevertheless, there were things he knew he would never be
able to discuss with his mother. But surely she understood his feelings on one particular subject? And this seemed
the exact time to bring it up.
“Have you really no idea at all … how it felt to be told constantly that I should have been aborted?” accused Brian.
“Or how it felt to never know what mood dad was gonna come home in?” he continued, knowing full well his
mother would understand this at least. When Jack was drunk, which was often, he’d fight anyone. Even a child less
than half his size. And, for the first time, he thought he actually saw a flicker of guilt on his mother’s face. But a
flicker that all so quickly disappeared again, leaving Brian even more angry than before at how she could still deny
his feelings. An anger he was now in danger of unleashing.
“But as for you … you shut yourself off from us … you were at church more times than you were looking out for
Claire and me … and then when you were at home you usually turned your attention to the sherry bottle …”
“How dare you!” rounded Joan, indignantly, but having started, Brian wasn’t finished.
Unfortunately, Brian’s reined-in temper had now totally got the better of him and that quiet, calm conversation he’d
hoped to have with his mother, had just flown out the window.
“Before you accuse me of how I lived my life … why don’t you look at yours?”
“Yours and dad’s marriage was a total sham …”
“You barely spoke … when you bothered to come home from church …“
“And we all know dad fucked anything in a skirt that would have him … he certainly wasn‘t getting anything from
you …”
“Get out!” demanded Joan, getting to her feet and she clutched at her chest. It was probably indigestion brought on
by the unpleasantness now heaped upon her. Joan had been getting those pains just lately and had put it down to
tension, having decided upon the course of action she would be taking against her son.
“Oh I’m going.”
“But by the way … Gus has told me what went on at school … you’ll be pleased to know that’s all straightened out
… but I’ve told him he’s not to see you any more,”
“So stay away from me and my family,” yelled Brian and turning on his heel, he left. Furious with himself that he’d
allowed his emotions to get the better of him, but mildly elated at telling Joan a few home truths.
And Brian was still quietly seething when he got home that evening, but what was done was done. The most
important thing now was to act perfectly normally and not to allow Gus to suspect there was anything serious to
worry about.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With every passing day, Brian expected the phone to ring or a letter to arrive to announce a visit by Child Welfare
Services. Though of course it was totally conceivable that they might just arrive unannounced.
Brian was determined they wouldn’t alter anything they did. Why should they? Neither he nor Justin could deny
anything they’d done in the past; there had always been too many witnesses for a start. But he considered they now
had absolutely nothing to hide and the only fact that they were two men, was really the only difference to how Gus
was being raised.
However, Brian hadn’t been away to the NYC office for a couple of months and Cynthia was anxious he fly in to
see a couple of new accounts who were eager to meet him and who would only sign on the dotted line once they
had.
“It will be fine,” Justin told him in reassurance. “I’m not going anywhere … and I’ll make damn sure I take him to
school or soccer practice … anywhere he wants to go … and collect him.”
Since Brian’s last conversation with Joan, Brian and Justin made sure that one of them personally delivered and
collected Gus everywhere. Brubaker had assured them that Gus couldn’t be removed without warning, but Brian
didn’t want to take chances and had warned Gus‘ school to inform either him or Justin immediately, if anyone
turned up asking for him.
“Okay,” agreed Brian finally, and overcoming his initial reluctance, made arrangements to fly out for a two-night
stay in the Big Apple. A visit Brian would never forget.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having assured both the new clients of his attention, even though he emphasized just how competent Cynthia would
be in looking after them, Brian also went over the accounts and a few papers and checked how things were going
before taking a quick diversion on his way to the airport.
Though there was still a few months to go, Christmas stock was already appearing in the stores and not knowing
when he was going to get back to NYC again, Brian decided to take the opportunity to look for something for Gus.
Justin’s thirtieth was the next birthday in the family, though of course the toys Brian had in mind for him wouldn’t
be found at Schwarz’.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For once, Brian managed to resist the urge to visit his normal haunts on this street of designer outlets. Fao Schwarz
Toy Store on Fifth Avenue was packed with oversized, unusual, fascinating and very expensive merchandise, and
were very selective about the unique and curious toys and gadgets they sold.
Once inside the place, Brian realized how much Gus would have enjoyed himself there and made a mental note to
bring him to NYC with him for a treat and to pay the store a visit together. It was a great place to spend the day,
with the store’s opening ceremony welcoming its visitors to participate in a magical experience that included
performances on the larger-than-life Dance-On-Piano, story-time, product demonstrations throughout the store, rides
on the Motion Simulator, treats at FAO Schweetz, and opportunities to interact with their fantasy characters as they
roamed the store. In fact Brian chuckled to himself; Justin would probably love the place too and he decided they
should all come together next time.
In fact, the choice of toys and games was pretty overwhelming and Brian couldn’t decide whether to purchase a
‘Make your own Monster Kit,’ the latest video game or a moving and somewhat realistic dinosaur.
Of course there was always the Harry Potter Illuminating Wand to fall back on, still a sure fire hit.
Spoilt for choice, Brian sighed and picking up the box, turned it over to read the instructions; seeing if those other
three little words might ruin the day if not catered for. You know the ones: ‘Batteries Not Included’.
“Mom … can we go look at the Barbie collection?” asked the young voice from further down the aisle.
“Haven’t you got enough Barbie’s?” enquired the woman apparently accompanying her and who was only a couple
of feet away from Brian and studying the shelves on the opposite side of the aisle. Brian blinked and looked up,
convinced he recognized the adult’s voice.
“You can never have enough Barbies,” came the youngster’s assertive answer.
Looking over his shoulder, Brian first registered on the girl. She was still around 15 feet away, but he could see she
was very pretty, looked to be around Gus’ age, or maybe a little younger and very striking, with her light brown,
long wavy hair and honey-colored complexion.
“Mom … can we?” the youngster called out again and keen to head off and Brian turned his attention to the women
the girl had been addressing and who was now behind him. Turning around, Brian was stopped in his tracks. Surely
this wasn’t who the youngster had been addressing?
“Daphne?” And Brian then smiled warmly, though more than a little surprised, at the startled young woman who
had turned to face him.
Concentrating on the toys, Daphne had been vaguely aware that she’d been moving behind another customer, but
hearing her name so close and so unexpectedly, she’d shot round and found herself looking straight at Brian Kinney.
“Oh … hello Brian,” she answered him and smiling nervously in return and Brian saw Daphne catch herself as she
quickly looked around to see if anyone was with him. Brian blinked in confusion at how jumpy Daphne seemed to
be.
“Is that for Gus?” she asked him quickly, indicating the box he was holding and Brian nodded. “I think so … I
dunno … I haven’t really made my mind up,” came the answer.
Seeing the interaction and smiles exchanged between the adults, the girl had moved closer. Seemingly, the man
wasn’t a stranger and, therefore, someone she needn’t be afraid of, as had been drummed into her all her life.
“Hi.“ Having approached, the girl smiled up at him, a huge smile that lit up her entire face and Brian found himself
looking into startlingly pale eyes. He blinked.
“Hi,” answered Brian eventually and he couldn’t help grinning to himself as the girl held out her hand, very directly
and obviously full of confidence.
“Pleased to meet you … what’s your name?” she asked him.
“Don’t be rude,” Daphne told her and then she turned back to Brian. “I’m sorry … you’re obviously very busy …”
“Not too busy for an old friend,” answered Brian and then he smiled back at the youngster.
Taking a few moments to answer, Brian studied her, his brain working overtime. Reaching out, he took the child‘s
small hand in his own and gently shook it.
“My name’s Brian Kinney,” he told her.
“What’s yours?” and as they dropped hands, Daphne placed her arm around the girl’s shoulders and Brian was sure
he saw her stiffen.
“I’m Soleil Chanders,” came the answer.
“It’s French … the Soleil part …”
“I bet you don’t know what it means,” she challenged him, her chin held high and demonstrating again that
confidence Brian had earlier detected: Confidence and assuredness that was pretty familiar to him.
Brian smiled. “I bet I do,” he told her, looking up at Daphne and pausing before returning his attention back at Soleil
and continuing:
“It means Sunshine.”
Chapter 3
“It means Sunshine.”
With her mouth sandpaper dry, Daphne tried to swallow and she squeezed Soleil’s shoulder. He had to know. The
way he looked at her and the way he said those words; surely Brian had to know. But Soleil only grinned, impressed
though slightly disappointed, that Brian knew what her name stood for.
Even though the store was busy, there now seemed to be an uncanny silence, as if everyone knew the enormity of
what just happened and was waiting for someone else to start speaking and in the end, it was Brian.
Putting his hand inside his jacket pocket and pulling out his wallet, he extracted a large denomination bill.
“Here … “ and he smiled at Soleil.
“Why don’t you go get that Barbie you wanted?”
Soleil blinked and looked up at Daphne. “Can I mom?” she asked her and hardly able to think of anything or even
answer the girl coherently, Daphne could only nod.
“Thanks,” grinned Soleil at Brian and reaching out, she took the bill from him and skipped happily away.
“Don’t get lost,” called Daphne after her, finally finding her voice. “Stay at the display … I’ll catch you up.”
“Okay, mom,” confirmed Soleil over her shoulder and she disappeared around the end of the aisle. Daphne looked at
the floor, unable to look Brian in the eye.
“When were you planning on telling him?” asked Brian quietly and Daphne shook her head. Of course Brian would
guess, one look at Soleil and anyone who knew them would probably put two and two together. She’d always meant
to explain, but Daphne knew that any explanation now would probably only sound cold or just plain lame.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian’s plan that Saturday after finishing the last of the paperwork Cynthia wanted him to look at, had been to make
a relatively quick visit to the toy store on the way to the airport and then get back home late afternoon. But that visit
to the store had uncovered something so unexpected and unbelievable that there was nothing he could do but delay
his departure and try and uncover the truth.
There was no way a serious conversation could be conducted in the aisle of a toy store, and though seemingly a little
reluctant at first, Daphne agreed to meet Brian at the Fifth Avenue Coffee Bar and Restaurant and tipping the waiter
to find him the quietest corner, Brian took his seat to wait and ordered a coffee.
Five minutes later and still leaving his coffee to cool, Brian‘s cell rang and flipping it open, he momentarily closed
his eyes as the caller ID flashed.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” answered Justin and Brian took a deep breath. For once, this was one time when he almost wished that Justin
hadn’t called him, or at least not at this very minute.
“Gus made me promise to ring you to check when you were getting back in … I think he’s angling for a trip to the
airport,” chuckled Justin.
“Things have taken a little longer than I thought,” stated Brian, hoping there was enough truth in that statement for
Justin to not detect anything was wrong.
“I’ll be on a later flight.”
“Tell Gus next time.”
“I’ll tell him,” agreed Justin and Brian could almost hear the frown.
“Are you okay?” the younger man asked him, thinking he could hear the meerest hesitation in Brian‘s voice.
“Sure,” answered Brian, as lightly as possible and hating that he wasn‘t being as truthful as he wanted.
“Did Gus have a good game?” he continued, hoping he’d deflected Justin’s concern.
“Yeah … they drew … Gus scored the equalizer …”
“He’s outside, cleaning his boots … I’ll put him on,” and Justin walked from the living room through the kitchen
and out into the patio at the rear of the house.
Brian looked around the coffee shop and then at his watch. There was no sign of Daphne, but she wasn’t yet running
late. There should be time to have a quick conversation with Gus before she arrived, and besides, he’d never turn
down the chance to talk to his son, fearing the one time he was ‘too busy’ was the time that Gus might need him the
most. Or worst, that something might happen and he’d miss the last, all important, opportunity.
“Hi dad,” grinned Gus down the phone and his dad grinned in return.
“Hi champ … I hear you had a good game.”
“Yeah … we were okay … we drew.“
“I scored once … and so did Tyler,” Gus answered proudly, and Brian grinned wider, hearing his son swell with
pride.
“I’m very proud of you, Gus,” Brian told him. “But I’d still be proud if you didn’t score … or the team didn’t win …
you know that, don’t you?” asked Brian and Gus nodded.
“Sure dad.”
“Good.”
“Now … I’m running a little late … I probably won’t be home until this evening … but we’ll do something
tomorrow … okay?”
“Okay dad,” his son answered him.
“Good boy … I’ll see you later.”
“Now … can you pass me back to Justin?” requested Brian and he heard the phone handed over.
“Hi.”
“Hi … has everything been okay … any problems?” asked Brian and Justin shook his head.
“No … don’t worry … everything’s fine,” Justin informed him as he watched Gus finish cleaning off his boots. He
knew Brian was no doubt referring to anything odd, or anyone new or strange hanging around, watching Gus.
Someone who might be a threat.
“Shall I hold dinner?” asked Justin.
“No … you and Gus go right ahead … I’ll have something later,” answered Brian and Justin grinned.
“I could keep something hot for you.”
“Mmm … I look forward to it,” answered Brian, also smiling and his answer wasn’t lost on Justin. And then his
sense of humor disappeared as he saw Daphne enter the coffee shop.
“Later.”
“Later,” Justin answered him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daphne had taken Soleil straight home, with her new prized possession to add to her collection of Barbie Dolls.
Daphne had intended spending the whole day with her as it was Saturday and no school, but now she had to explain
that something had come up and that she’d be back later.
Steeling herself, Daphne opened the door to the coffee shop and looked around. Having been informed that he was
expecting someone, a member of staff came to her aid and guided her to Brian’s table, where they now both ordered
refreshments, though neither of them were interested in eating anything.
“Did you get Gus the wand?” asked Daphne and Brian frowned. “What?”
“The Harry Potter Wand … you were looking at it in the store.”
“Oh,” answered Brian and he shook his head. “I decided to get it mail order … that and the monster kit … I’ll save
them for Christmas.”
“He’ll love them,” answered Daphne smiling weakly and she saw Brian look down at his hands. Obviously, he was
in no mood for small talk and she took a deep breath.
“You obviously guessed … about Soleil I mean,” stated Daphne and Brian looked up at her and shrugged.
“That Justin’s her father? You could hardly miss it … and not just from her name,” he replied and Daphne nodded
and then smiled.
“She’s very like him … she knows what she wants and goes after it.”
“She’s a smart kid too,” she said proudly and Brian nodded. “Well, with you and Justin as her parents … she could
hardly turn out any other way.”
Daphne nodded again and then sighed. “I suppose you’re waiting for me to tell you why I didn’t tell Justin he had a
daughter?”
“Crossed my mind,” stated Brian and then he frowned.
“Unless Justin’s been kidding me all this time … I’m assuming Soleil’s the product of … of …”
“My first time … and my only time with Justin,” confirmed Daphne, helping him out; Daphne’s first time and
Justin’s only time with a girl.
“Knowing Justin … I thought you’d have all the bases covered,” continued Brian frowning and Daphne nodded
again. “So did I.”
“But the condom must have broke … or leaked … and we didn’t realize … it was a pretty heavy deal for me,”
admitted Daphne.
“It was for Justin too … you trusting him enough to ask him,” stated Brian. “But when you found out you were
pregnant … why the hell didn’t you tell him?” he asked her, exasperated and trying to understand why Daphne
would have kept something so huge as having a baby from the child’s father.
“I wanted to … but at first … I didn’t realize I was pregnant … I’ve never been particularly regular,“ stated Daphne,
which definitely came under the heading of TMI as far as Brian was concerned.
“And then at first, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to keep the baby,” she continued.
“I mean, I was still a teenager … a kid myself.“
“Much too young to be a mom … and then …”
“And then what?” asked Brian and Daphne blinked and glanced away.
“Justin’s life wasn’t exactly … straightforward,“ stated Daphne. “He was hardly settled.”
“He was estranged from his dad … his parents were getting a divorce …”
“And his relationship with you was pretty … pretty … complicated.”
“Justin never really knew where he stood with you from one day to the next,” she observed, realizing too late how
harsh that sounded and now it was Brian’s turn to look away. Complicated didn’t do their relationship back then
justice and looking back, Brian thanked his stars that Justin had even wanted to give them another chance and get
back together and try again.
“I didn’t wanna make things even worse or more complicated by telling him he was gonna be a dad … at least not
until I decided what I was gonna do myself.”
“But then I started having morning sickness and mom and dad found out and went totally ballistic … threatened to
ground me for like forever … convinced I’d ruined my life and any opportunity I had of going to university and
obtaining a decent career.”
“They were even madder when I wouldn’t tell them who the father was … they still don’t know,” confessed
Daphne.
“Then when I decided I did want to keep the baby after all … I really had to stand my ground and refuse to have an
abortion … that’s what my dad wanted me to do … that or wait until the baby was born and then give it up for
adoption …”
Ignoring her newly delivered coffee, Daphne slumped back in her chair.
“And then Justin was bashed … and I was so confused about what I was gonna do … he could have died ... or …“
Daphne’s voiced trailed away. Obviously, it wasn’t only Brian and Justin who’d suffered and still bore the scars
from that time and she swallowed and composed herself.
“There was no way I could hang a responsibility like having a child on him …”
“I mean it wasn’t like it was planned or anything.”
“And the last thing he needed to worry about after everything else was that he was gonna have a kid.”
“But then having decided to have the baby … I was determined not to be railroaded into putting it up for adoption
…“
“But mom and dad put so much pressure on me … that coming to New York and leaving her with my cousin
seemed to be the best option.”
“Your cousin?”
Daphne nodded. “Tony and Paula … my dad’s nephew and his wife.“
“They already had a little boy, Kyle … but were told they couldn’t have any more children … they were more than
happy to have Soleil live with them … though I made it clear from the start that she would always know I was her
mom … I made sure of that.”
“And I come and see her as often as I can … and we talk on the phone and on-line all the time.”
And Daphne sighed. “I guess deep down … I’d always hoped that one day I’d have her with me.”
“The times I saw you back then … you didn’t even look pregnant,” queried Brian and Daphne nodded.
“Like I said … I had morning sickness … and it was really bad … I couldn’t eat.”
“I never got really big … and the first few months I actually lost weight.”
“Another reason that when I did find out, why I didn’t tell Justin … to begin with I wasn’t even sure the baby was
gonna make it … and she was so small when she was born.”
“I came to stay with my cousin when the baby was due … I told Justin it was a family thing to account for the time I
was missing.”
“Soleil was born and I left her with Tony and Paula ...”
“And picked up as if nothing happened,” interrupted Brian, his tone flat and accusatory.
“It wasn’t as easy as you think, Brian,” Daphne told him. “But I was still pretty young … I let my parents sway me
… and I didn’t want Justin to feel obligated to take on the role of father when it had been forced on him … when it
wasn’t his choice in the first place.”
“That all sounds very noble,” declared Brian, and Daphne could hear the sarcasm in his voice.
“Looking back … I admit … I may have made the wrong choices …”
“But I also wanted to protect Soleil … the last thing I wanted was to tell her about her dad … and then find that
Justin wanted nothing to do with her.”
“Did you really think he’d ignore the fact that he had a daughter?” asked Brian in surprise and Daphne sighed and
shook her head. “No … I guess not,” she admitted, reluctantly.
“So what about after Justin recovered from the bashing … why didn’t you tell him then?” asked Brian and Daphne
shrugged.
“Justin had gone through so much after the bashing … not knowing if he was going to be able to continue with his
art … and the two of you trying to come to some sort of agreement about your relationship.”
“I still didn’t want to complicate things … or put pressure on him … as I said … it wasn’t like we made a conscious
decision to have a child together.”
“And then …” Daphne hesitated. Despite everything, she’d always liked Brian; admired him even and didn’t want to
hurt him. But he was partly why she’d never told Justin about Soleil.
“Justin met Ethan,” continued Daphne and she saw Brian blink and look away. Obviously that time still provoked
painful memories.
“The two of you broke up and he ended up going overseas.”
“I wasn’t sure then if I was even gonna see him again.”
“And then when he came back … he was so distraught over him and Ethan breaking up … finding out that you’d
moved to New York … and trying to work out what he was gonna do with his life …”
“Soleil was settled and I didn’t want to disrupt her life … and as it was, Justin then moved to California for a new
start.”
“I didn‘t want to do anything that might make him feel obliged to stick around.”
“But he came back,” stated Brian, somewhat obviously and Daphne nodded.
“I know … and lately …” Daphne’s voice tailed off and Brian studied her. She looked totally broken and confused,
obviously keeping the biggest secret of her life had taken its toll.
“Lately what?” asked Brian frowning and actually starting to have a little sympathy for the young woman sitting
across the table from him.
“A year ago … totally out of the blue … Paula got pregnant again … and she’s had a little girl of her own.”
“I don’t blame her at all … after thinking she wasn‘t going to be able to have any more children of her own … but
she’s been pretty preoccupied … during the pregnancy and with the new baby … and I think Soleil started to feel
she no longer belonged with them,” and Daphne took a deep breath.
“Then Soleil stated asking about her real father.”
“Don’t get me wrong … Tony’s been the best dad he could be, considering … but she always knew he wasn’t her
real dad … and after the new baby was born … she began asking who her real dad was and why we didn’t all live
together.”
“What did you say?”
“I didn’t … not really.”
“I always fudged it … but I guess I knew I was gonna have to tell her something sooner or later … not to mention
how I’m also going to tell John.”
“So John doesn’t know about Soleil either?” asked Brian and Daphne shook her head.
“No ... he doesn‘t.”
“But I know he’s wondering why I make so many trips here lately.”
“I told him it was because I was keeping an eye on Paula during her pregnancy … and then the new baby.”
“To be honest … I’ve felt like I was drowning … everything started spiraling out of control … I ended up without
any real idea what I was going to do … or how I was gonna get out of it.”
“I mean I don’t want to totally ignore Tony and Paula’s feelings either … but with them … John … Justin … AND
Soleil to consider …”
“And then I ran into you,” and Daphne tried to smile, almost as if bumping into Brian was the best thing that could
have happened to bring it all to a head and bring it all out into the open at last.
“Apart from owing Soleil an explanation and letting her get to know who her dad is … and putting the fact aside that
you didn’t tell her father she existed … and I think you should right away … don’t you think you should also tell
John … at least before you get married?” pointed out Brian and Daphne sighed.
“Every time I think I’m going to say something to either of them … we get interrupted … or I lose my nerve,” she
confessed.
“And Justin?“ asked Brian and Daphne nodded and momentarily closed her eyes. “I know … I know I have to tell
them … but having to explain everything to Justin and John … I think that’s part of the problem.”
“What do you mean?” asked Brian, confused by her statement.
“Soleil’s gonna go from having one dad … ‘cos I’ll always include Tony as a dad … but she’s gonna go from one
dad … to having three.”
“Tony and Paula have always known the score … they always said that one day … when I got married or settled
down with someone … that I’d probably want Soleil with us … so they’ve both always known they were probably
gonna have to give her up at some point.”
“But I know they’ll all still want to keep in contact with each other.”
“But I’m marrying John … and I want him involved with Soleil as much as possible … if he can forgive me for not
telling him and lying to him,” sighed Daphne.
“And I accept that Justin and Soleil need to get to know each other … he is her real dad after all.“
“But the last thing Soleil needs … is to have everyone wanting a piece of her ….“
“She’s gonna have so many men in her life … I don’t want to confuse or damage her … any more than I probably
have already,” admitted Daphne, with real regret.
“Well, it’s certainly gonna take some juggling to get all the pieces to fit,” observed Brian and Daphne nodded
silently.
Brian shook his head, momentarily closed his eyes and let out a huge sigh.
“You don’t believe in making it easy for anyone … do you?” declared Brian and he saw the tears start to form in
Daphne’s eyes.
“I guess not,” came the whispered reply and with her hands now shaking, Daphne reached into her purse, produced a
handkerchief and blew her nose. How the hell did things get to be this complicated?
“If only I’d told Justin at the beginning …”
“But then the longer I left it … the more difficult it got … and I didn’t want Justin to hate me,” choked Daphne, and
reaching out, Brian placed his hand reassuringly on her arm.
“There’s no point in beating yourself up over it now,” Brian told her and Daphne desperately tried to smile.
“No apologies … no regrets … right?” she asked him and Brian shrugged. “What’s the point in recriminations?
You’ve just gotta look at doing what’s right from here on in.”
“For Soleil … and Justin.”
“Unless …” and he sat back in his chair.
“Do you have feelings for Justin?” asked Brian, the notion suddenly occurring to him and Daphne blinked and then
looked away.
“I guess … I guess I’ve always … loved Justin,” admitted Daphne, finally. “But I always knew nothing would ever
come of it … and that I could only ever really be his friend,” and looking over at Brian, Daphne knew exactly what
was going through his mind.
“Brian … I swear … having Justin’s baby was a complete accident … I never deliberately set out to get pregnant.”
“You do believe me … don’t you?” she asked him. “I would never do that,” declared Daphne earnestly and Brian
nodded.
“I believe you,” stated Brian. “And I know you want John, Tony and Paula involved … but as far as I’m concerned,
it’s Soleil and Justin … all the way.”
“I know,” agreed Daphne and she swallowed as she managed to compose herself.
“Will you help me, Brian … will you help me tell Justin I mean?” she asked him. “It’s gonna be hard enough
explaining everything to everyone … I could do with someone in my corner.“ Slowly, Brian nodded.
“I’ll do whatever I can,” he promised her.
Daphne was spending the rest of the weekend with Soleil at Tony and Paula’s. Kyle, Tony and Paula’s son, was now
15 and not into either the new baby or having a kid sister hanging around him. Daphne had told John she’d wanted
to visit her cousins and the new baby again, which John apparently accepted without any hesitation or doubt. Apart
from keeping the truth from Justin, Daphne was beginning to feel more and more guilty about lying to John and
every day it was getting harder and harder to back track and tell him, or all the people who mattered, the truth. But
bumping into Brian had changed everything. She was now going to have to level with everyone … and the sooner
the better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Catching the later flight, Brian pulled into the driveway of the house a little after 8:00pm. As there was no school the
next day, Gus was still up and he and Justin were watching a movie, though they had both already eaten. Brian, still
trying to stick to his rule of not eating carbs after 7:00pm. did, however, make pasta for himself, though had to fight
to keep Justin and Gus from pinching some of it and in the end gave up and they shared his meal.
Brian had promised Daphne not to mention their encounter, though there was no reason why it should come up in
conversation, though he had told her he wouldn‘t lie about running into her. And she’d promised that after she’d
spent the rest of the weekend with Soleil, that when she came back to Pittsburgh, she would tell Justin about his
daughter. Justin and then John, of course.
Having been away from home for a couple of days and on a Saturday, Gus had choice of what they would do on
Sunday.
“The zoo?”
“You wanna go to the zoo?” queried Brian and his son nodded, having taken a mouthful of cereal. Brian looked at
Justin and the younger man shrugged.
“Sounds like a plan to me.”
“Then the zoo it is,” agreed Brian.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Watching Justin and Gus at Pets Corner, Brian couldn’t help wondering what the impact on discovering that he had
a daughter would have on Justin and on their own family dynamics.
Despite Gus’ outburst that time, the youngster loved Justin and the feeling was mutual. But how would Gus feel if
he suddenly had to start sharing him with someone else? And with all the will in the world, Justin couldn’t be in two
places at once. If his and Soleil’s relationship developed how it should, then there would surely come a time when
Justin would have to choose one youngster over the other.
Brian closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Maybe he was getting a little ahead of himself here. But
whatever the outcome, he knew that once discovering he had a daughter, there was no way Justin wouldn’t want to
be part of her life and his, Gus and Justin’s relationship would be changed forever.
“You’re looking tired,” observed Justin, a little concerned and he handed Brian a coffee from the stand and sat down
beside him on a bench. It was actually more like mud than coffee and the plastic spoon practically stood up by itself.
But for the moment it would have to do and having first shuddered before even tasting it, Brian was grateful for the
kick it gave him.
“I’ve got a lot on my mind,” admitted the older man truthfully, as they watched Gus pet the goats.
“I know,” agreed Justin. “But look at him … how can anyone say he’s not loved or cared
for?”
“Or at risk for chrissakes,” he continued bitterly, and Brian nodded and then he rolled his lips into his mouth for a
few moments as he thought about what he was going to say next.
“Have you … have you ever thought about having kids of your own?” asked Brian. They’d never talked about
having children together, though there was really no reason why they shouldn’t and it was a question that Brian had
been mulling over since learning of Soleil’s existence and he wondered whether it was something that Justin had
ever considered.
“Why? Are you asking?” Justin grinned at him, and then with tongue very firmly stuck in cheek:
“Though you know it’s gonna mess up your figure … but I‘ll still love you when you’re fat and your ankles are the
size of …”
“Smart ass,” Brian told him.
“But seriously … have you ever thought about it?”
“Um … well … yeah … I guess it has crossed my mind,” continued Justin, seriously this time.
“I mean you know I love Gus like he was my own … but yeah … seeing the two of you together … I wouldn’t mind
that.”
“Maybe we should talk about it some more,” suggested Justin and the other man nodded. Justin frowned. This was
the first time Brian had mentioned having more kids and considering what was going on with Gus, it seemed
unlikely timing. But having a child with Brian would be the icing on the cake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three days after his encounter with Daphne and still no word from her, Brian was starting to lose a little patience.
He acknowledged Daphne’s right to tell Justin about Soleil herself, but she sure was taking her damn time about it
and Brian hated keeping the truth from him one moment longer than necessary.
“I’ve been thinking,” stated Justin at the breakfast table and Brian looked up from his coffee and then looked at his
watch. It had become part of their routine, to all sit down together for breakfast and even more so now. Brian
especially, sought to spend as much time with his son as possible: because you never know what was around the
corner. But Gus was cutting it fine this morning and then the youngster made an appearance.
“Glad you could make it,” stated his father and Gus grinned sheepishly. “Sorry … I thought I had all my stuff
together, but I didn’t,” stated Gus, sitting down at the table and grabbing a slice of toast.
“Whoa … slow down,” Justin told him and then continued where he’d left off.
“I was thinking … I know it’s still a little way off … but why don’t we have everyone here for Thanksgiving … a
real family party?” Brian blinked. Thanksgiving. Another one of those traditional family get togethers, ideal for
making memories of times spent with loved ones. But again, one of those family times that were always tinged with
a little pain for Brian.
After having met Mikey, making his way into adulthood within the gay community, Brian’s real family memories
were those made mostly in the Novotny household, though there were times he couldn’t help still feeling a little like
an outsider. Brian had long refused invitations to attend Thanksgiving dinners with his own parents and, in fact,
couldn’t remember ever attending one after he started college. His family had eventually evolved from those who’d
become his friends, even though he’d thought that highly unlikely at the time. Debbie’s late brother, Vic, had been
his mentor and combination of friend and father figure. But now Brian had a family of his own and every minute
with them was more precious than he could ever have believed.
Justin, of course, held much fonder memories of his childhood, but even they were now also tainted with a little
disappointment. Growing up, he and his younger sister, Molly, had been the apples of their parent’s eyes and the
whole family spent quality time together on vacations, picnics and at Christmas and Thanksgiving. Before Justin
came out, that is. Naturally, Molly had never done anything to diminish herself in her father’s eyes and even though
she hated the way Craig Taylor had treated their mother and Justin, he was still her father and she continued to have
regular contact with him and his new wife.
It wasn’t yet two years since Brian and Justin rekindled their relationship and although they regularly had company
at the house, they hadn’t yet held a large Thanksgiving dinner. Brian frowned.
“You want everyone over?” he asked him and Justin smiled. “Everyone,” he confirmed and then shrugged. “Well …
almost everyone,” he acknowledged and he saw the sideways glance Brian gave him.
“Come on … it’ll be great,” reassured Justin and Brian nodded. “Okay … but don’t forget … Rosa will be wanting
to do Thanksgiving for her own family … are you up to cooking a full dinner?” Brian teased him and Justin lifted an
eyebrow. “Are we up to it, you mean,” he grinned at him.
“But you have a point.”
“We could have it catered,” suggested Brian, but Justin shook his head. “It would be good to have Em as one of our
guests this time … and not expect him to work,” came the answer. Brian nodded but then raised an eyebrow. “True
… but I’d hate to get anyone else in,” he observed and Justin nodded in agreement; he could just imagine Em
scrutinizing another caterer. No, that didn’t really sound like a good idea at all.
“I know,“ declared Justin. “I’ll call mom … see if she can …”
“That’s cheating” accused Brian, interrupting, but Justin chuckled and shook his head. “Some advice … for recipes,
I mean!”
“I wasn’t gonna ask her to cook!”
“Like hell!”
“Dad … that’s five dollars in the piggy bank!” Gus told him, gleefully, referring to their anti-swearing device.
Usually managing to refrain in front of Gus, if Brian or Justin did slip up and swear when he was present, then their
fine was five dollars. Gus had only let himself down on a couple of occasions, and along with a telling off, his fine
was fifty cents a time and all the money collected was donated to the GLC.
Brian groaned and reaching around for his jacket, which was hanging on the back of his chair, he removed his wallet
and then the bill. And getting up, he walked over to the counter where, sitting by the microwave was the cute
ceramic pig they used on these occasions. He folded the bill and dropped it through the slot. Just as well Gus hadn’t
been around the times Brian and Justin were discussing the situation with Joan. The pig would have been stuffed full
by now.
“Come on … you’ll be late,” Brian told him as he mussed Gus’ hair, and, walking passed him, reached for his
jacket.
“Just coming,” his son informed him and jumping down from the table, went to retrieve his school bag in the hall,
which he’d placed down by Brian’s attaché case.
Brian leaned down to kiss Justin, who was still sitting at the table.
“Later.”
“Later,” came the smiling reply and with Brian and Gus having left, Justin reached for the phone.
“Hi mom … “
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I think my mother has a boyfriend,” stated Justin, that evening as he was undressing for bed. During a break from
work earlier in the day, he’d already drawn up a guest list and then showed it to Brian at supper.
“A boyfriend?”
“What makes you think that?” Brian asked him as he finished toweling off his hair.
“Well … when I rang her …”
“To ask her to cook Thanksgiving dinner …” interrupted Brian, grinning, and he received a flick for that on the rear
with his own towel, which he’d only just removed.
“Ow!”
“Nooo,” stated Justin. “But I admit … I did call to ask her advice.”
“And when I said we wanted her over for Thanksgiving … she asked if it was okay to bring someone.”
“You sure she didn’t mean Molly?” asked Brian and Justin shook his head.
“She would have said if it was Molly … but anyway … she’ll be with dad this year.”
“It was the way mom said it … I knew she meant a guy.”
Brian shrugged. “Your mom’s an attractive woman … stands to reason she wouldn’t be on her own forever,” he
stated, picking up his dirty towels and throwing them into the bathroom.
“I guess,” conceded Justin. “I suppose I didn’t think about her dating again … but you’re right … she probably
does.“
“And it’s been a long time … dad re-married already.”
“I just wonder why she hasn’t mentioned this guy before.”
Brian nodded. “Do you think it could be serious?” questioned Brian and Justin frowned.
“Nah … she would have said before … wouldn’t she?” asked Justin, throwing back the duvet and climbing into bed.
Brian shrugged, but inwardly groaned. What with the worry they both had with Gus and any intentions Joan had of
challenging their right to bring him up, Brian hoped that if Jennifer did have a new man in her life that things would
go smoothly with Justin. He didn’t want his partner worrying about his mom at the same time as going through the
emotional rollercoaster that discovering he was a father would create. Christ. Why does everything come at once?
Climbing into bed beside Justin, the thought did cross Brian’s mind that maybe Jennifer could prove to be an ally.
Regardless of the circumstances, after the initial shock, Brian hoped that Jennifer would be stoked to discover she
was a grandmother already. At least he hoped so.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian’s attorney continued to pull together all the information and facts he could lay his hands on to form a
counterclaim for Gus’ custody. There was no doubt about it, Brian’s life since he’d become a full-time dad now
centered on Gus, with his relationship with Justin and then his work running pretty close behind.
Brian had to admit to himself that his life now was a total turnaround to what it had been before, but then everyone
has to grow up sooner or later.
His life before Gus re-entered it, had become totally dominated by his work. The tricking had become even more
meaningless and unfulfilling when Justin had left with Ethan. Brian’s life fell apart, not that he would have admitted
it at the time and he threw himself into building up his own business, maintaining the well-rehearsed façade that he
needed no-one else.
But even after taking on responsibility for Gus, he still felt incomplete; there was definitely something missing and
that something was the love of his life. Little did he know that Gus’ innocent telephone call to a gay radio station in
the middle of the night in NYC at Christmastime would totally change all their lives.
Brian had a lot of positives going for him which, in an equal world, would have stood him in good stead when
facing a custody battle for his son. But unfortunately, as we all well know, this world is far from equal.
Surprisingly, as yet, there had still been no sign of Child Welfare Services, to which Brian’s attorney remarked that
maybe Joan wasn’t quite so sure of her ground as she was trying to make out. Brian hoped to god he was right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About a week after Brian’s last trip to NYC and his encounter with Daphne, and just when he was thinking he was
going to have to call her, she rang him at the office. She was obviously still a little anxious after their meeting and
wanting reassurance that Brian would help her smooth things over with Justin.
Daphne had already called Justin and said she really wanted to see him and he’d asked her to supper that evening,
and it didn’t seem to him that there was anything strange in her asking if Brian was going to be there too. But he had
expected her to say she and John would be coming over together, when in fact she said it would just be her. But to
be honest, that’s how Justin would really have liked it anyhow; as getting together with Daphne would be just like
old times. After a while, Brian would probably leave them to it and go upstairs and do a little work or catch a movie
on the tv in their bedroom. Unbelievably, there was the odd occasion, though truthfully, not that often, when that
particular TV was switched on. Though it would probably never break down from overuse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Owing to work commitments, Daphne couldn’t get over as early as she’d liked, but Gus was allowed to stay up so
they could all eat together. He really liked Daphne and always enjoyed her company. After all, she’d known him
almost as long as Justin, though sadly, he had lost contact with her for a while when Justin had no longer been
around.
During supper, Justin couldn‘t help thinking that Daphne seemed a little nervous and wondered whether her
relationship with John was going through a bad patch. That could account for her wanting to come over on her own,
hoping to have a chat with him and maybe even a heart to heart. Justin mentioned Thanksgiving, but it almost
sounded as if she’d accepted cautiously, which in fact Daphne had, worried what Justin‘s reaction to her news would
be.
Certainly, Daphne wanted to talk to him about something close to her heart, but a million miles away from anything
Justin had imagined.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After supper, Gus kissed and hugged Daphne goodnight and then went straight up to get ready for bed, leaving the
three adults to their coffee in the living room.
“Does Daph look okay to you?” asked Justin quietly, as he and Brian were clearing away the dirty dishes and taking
them into the kitchen. “I hope everything’s okay with John,” he continued, and Brian merely shrugged in reply.
Justin half expected Brian to excuse himself and leave the two old friends to their coffee and catching up, but
instead, he settled down on the sofa next to Justin and waited while the chatter seemed to be going in any direction
then it should be heading.
Seeing Brian watching her, Daphne took a deep breath and clasped her hands together. Her palms were sweaty and
without thinking, she ran them down the side of her pants to dry them off.
“What’s wrong, Daph?” asked Justin, seeing Daphne’s obvious concern on her face and her hesitation and standing
up, Daphne took a deep breath. She took a few paces across the room, Justin frowned after her, his anxiety rising,
and then she turned to face him.
“Justin … there’s something you should know … something I should have told you a long time ago.”
“Okay,” replied Justin, slowly, his concern deepening further and he looked at Brian, wondering if the man had any
idea what was going on. But Brian’s face remained as impassive as he could maintain it.
Retracing her steps back to her seat, Daphne sat down, opened her purse and produced several photographs. She
took a deep breath. Across the room, Brian got up from the sofa and moved away. He headed for their drinks supply.
He had a feeling everyone would shortly need a little fortification and, of course, it allowed Daphne to take his place
on the sofa and sit beside Justin.
“Her name is Soleil … she’s almost twelve,” stated Daphne. Justin took the proffered photographs, the confusion in
his eyes obvious and he started to look through the images of the youngster, from baby up to her school photo taken
just a couple of months before.
“She’s beautiful … who is she?” asked Justin, for the moment not making the connection and Daphne swallowed.
“She’s my daughter …”
“Our daughter,” she continued huskily and Justin felt his stomach flip.
“OUR daughter?” he asked her in disbelief and after staring at her for several seconds, he then closed his eyes as the
realization dawned and he shook his head.
“But … but I thought we’d been so careful,” sighed Justin, looking back at her.
“So did I,” answered Daphne. “But it seems we weren’t careful enough.”
Justin opened his mouth as if to speak, as the enormity of what happened finally hit him, but the words just wouldn’t
come. A daughter? He had a daughter? With Daphne?
Crossing the floor towards them, Brian handed them both a shot of whiskey. Both of them took it gratefully. But
Justin frowned, realizing from Brian’s actions and his quiet demeanor that it was likely this news was hardly a
surprise to him.
Daphne sipped her drink and waited anxiously and she watched Justin place the photographs on the coffee table and
take a large swallow of alcohol. Getting up, he moved away from her, and towards Brian. Daphne’s heart fell. Justin
was going to hate her for withholding the truth; she just knew it.
“Why?”
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?” asked Justin, unable to ignore the feeling of betrayal by his oldest friend and
possibly his partner too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For several minutes, Justin listened in silence as Daphne tried to explain to him the same way she’d previously
explained her actions to Brian. He couldn’t look at her and he could hardly believe his ears.
“You lied to me Daphne,” stated Justin, eventually, his eyes moist with tears. Daphne shook her head. “I didn’t lie,
Justin … I just didn’t tell you the truth.”
“And I know I should have … for both you and Soleil’s sake … but I can’t undo what I did.”
“Did you really think I wouldn’t have looked out for you?”
“No matter what your parents wanted you to do … I would have supported you somehow,” stated Justin, feeling
frustrated and let down that his friend hadn’t come to him; hadn’t trusted him to do the right thing, how ever
difficult it might have been.
“Like I told Brian … I didn’t want to put pressure on you … you had so much going on … the bashing … your
injury …”
“Brian?” cut in Justin, his suspicions confirmed and he turned to the other man. “You knew? You knew … and you
didn’t say anything?” asked Justin in disappointed disbelief, the feeling of betrayal growing with every passing
moment. Brian rolled his lips into his mouth. He’d promised Daphne he wouldn’t say anything; that he’d allow her
to explain in person. But he understood how hurt Justin would be feeling, discovering that Brian knew something so
important before he did.
“I ran into Daphne last week in New York … Soleil was with her … I …“
“You’ve met her? You’ve met my daughter … before I have?“ questioned Justin, not allowing Brian to finish and
the older man glanced over at Daphne before answering. This was turning out even harder than he’d feared.
“Daphne wanted to explain herself,” stated Brian. “I thought she had the right to do that …”
“Rights?”
“Sure … of course I’ve got no rights,” stated Justin. “I mean … I didn’t have the right to know MY daughter existed
for nearly twelve years … what the hell’s another fucking week?” he demanded.
“I can’t believe you, Daphne,” declared Justin. “That you would have kept something like this from me,” and he
turned towards Brian.
“And you should have told me,” Justin informed him forcefully, and finishing his drink in one final swallow, he
placed his empty glass on a side table. Justin crossed the room away from them, stopping just inside the door. He
turned around.
“I wanna meet my daughter … as soon as possible,” he demanded and Daphne nodded.
“Of course.”
“I want you to … I want you both to get to know each other,” reassured Daphne and Justin nodded.
“I’ll call you tomorrow … I … I can’t talk about this any more tonight,” stated Justin and with his head spinning, he
turned on his heel and marched out the room and up to his studio.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reaching the retreat of his studio and the feeling of sanctuary that it gave him, Justin eventually gave in to the tears.
A daughter. He had an eleven year old daughter and he’d missed out on so much.
Justin knew how Brian now regretted not playing a bigger part in Gus’ early life. The heartache the older man bore
was obvious to him. But Justin never thought he’d be feeling the same: missing out on all those important stages of
your own child’s life. Time he could never get back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disappointed with both Daphne and Brian, even though he knew in his heart that the man only acted in good faith,
Justin had picked up his sketchbook and drawn furiously. Consequently, by the time he felt like facing anyone, it
was after midnight when he went back downstairs again, and he found Brian alone in the living room, sitting in a
chair in semi-darkness and nursing a drink.
The younger man hesitated just inside the door before advancing further. “Has Daphne gone?” asked Justin and
Brian nodded before taking a swallow and emptying his glass.
“Hours ago,” came the reply and Justin nodded in acknowledgement before sitting down on the sofa. Getting up,
Brian moved to the drinks table, pouring himself a small refill and Justin a more substantial shot.
“She never meant to hurt you, Justin,” Brian informed him, as he handed him the drink. “And neither did I.”
“I know,” accepted Justin and he took a sip of his drink before placing his glass on the coffee table and picking up
the photographs that Daphne had left behind. And he looked through them under the low light.
“She is beautiful … but it just all seems so unreal … all this time … and I had a daughter living in New York that I
knew nothing about,” the younger man stated, wistfully, as he studied the photographs.
“I would have supported them … somehow … if only Daphne had told me.”
“She knows that,” answered Brian, sitting down beside him.
“Daphne knows she made mistakes … but she wants to put it right,” and reaching out, Brian rubbed the back of
Justin’s neck.
“You’ve got a daughter to get to know … don’t think about what might have been … enjoy it now,” Brian told him,
but Justin shrugged. “What if she doesn’t want to know me?”
“She does. She’s been asking Daphne about her Dad.”
“Now that Daphne knows you want to get to know her too … she’ll go to New York and tell her all about you.”
Justin frowned and he replaced the photographs on the table before picking up his glass. Sitting back against the
sofa, he felt Brian’s fingers resume their stroking, soothing him. But he looked down into his drink. “What if she
doesn’t like me?” asked Justin, with sudden concern. Brian smiled.
“What’s not to like?” he reassured him and looking up, Justin smiled back and then fell serious and reaching out,
placed his hand on Brian’s knee.
“I’m sorry about earlier … accusing you like that.”
“I guess it was the shock of finding out that you already knew about Soleil.”
“That’s okay,” Brian told him and he saw the younger man frown.
“Soleil?”
“Sunshine,” smiled Brian and Justin chuckled. “I thought as much.”
Chapter 4
“I don’t wanna fight with you, Daph,” stated Justin and Daphne visibly relaxed.
“Neither do I,” she told him, gratefully.
After Justin had walked away from their previous meeting, Daphne thought she was in real danger of losing her
oldest and best friend.
“I’m sure he’ll come around,” Brian had told her in reassurance, mentally crossing his fingers. He knew Justin
would now want to be a real father to Soleil, but it did seem like his friendship with Daphne was definitely in danger
of breaking down.
The day after discovering he had a daughter, Justin called Daphne to tell her he wanted to talk and they agreed to
meet in a coffee shop in the city: neutral territory. And he truly didn’t want to fight with her. He might still not fully
understand why she’d kept such a huge secret for so long, but she’d always been a friend when he really needed it.
And though he remained disappointed in her, he could never reject her.
“I’m still trying to understand why it’s taken so many years for you to tell me,” admitted Justin and he frowned and
took a sip of his coffee.
“I can’t help wondering that … that if it wasn’t for Brian running into you … that I still wouldn’t know now.”
“I’ve been wanting to tell you for so long,” disclosed Daphne. “But it got to the point where I literally didn’t know
where to start … and every time I thought I’d summoned up the nerve to tell you … I chickened out.”
“But Soleil’s recently been asking after her father … so I knew I couldn’t put it off much longer.”
“You deserve to get to know each other, I know that now … but I guess part of me was also scared of losing her.”
“Losing her?” queried Justin, frowning again and Daphne nodded. “I was scared that once Soleil knew you … she
wouldn’t want me any more.”
Justin smiled and shook his head. “I’m sure that’ll never happen … you’re her mother.“
“Besides … there’s no guarantee she’ll like me … not every kid’ll take kindly to finding out their father’s gay,”
observed Justin, with real fears on that score and reaching out, Daphne placed her hand on his.
“She’ll love you … she’s been brought up to respect everyone … and she’s not necessarily immune to prejudice
remember,” observed Daphne.
“And I am very glad I ran into Brian … it was what I needed … it brought everything to a head … but I would have
told you, Justin,” she stated urgently, as she sought to reassure him.
Justin smiled. “So … when are you going to see her next?” he asked her, eager to meet the youngster and Daphne
sighed.
“Well … I really can’t get away to see her for two weeks at the earliest …”
“As long as that?” asked Justin dismayed and Daphne nodded. “I can’t change any more shifts … that’s my next
long weekend off,” and she saw Justin frown in obvious disappointment and frustration.
“Do you wanna come with me?” asked Daphne and Justin sat back in his chair, expelling a rather loud sigh, as he
decided what to do. In truth, he’d begun psyching himself up to meet the daughter he never knew he had, nervous
that she’d like him and want him to be a part of her life. Now that looked like it was going to have to go on hold, at
least for the next two weeks and he couldn‘t help admitting disappointment. But he knew in his heart he was
desperate to meet her, even if it did mean risking rejection.
“Yeah … I do,” decided Justin and Daphne grinned and then her humor was quickly lost.
“I’ve still got to tell John,” she confessed and Justin shook his head. “Good luck there,” he told her and Daphne
nodded, knowing she was probably going to need all the luck she could get. She was due to marry John and she’d
neglected to inform him about the biggest event in her life so far and the fact that she was still very much a part of
her daughter’s life. Not forgetting that her closest friend was her daughter’s father.
“Will you tell Soleil I’m coming with you … on your next trip?” asked Justin and Daphne frowned. “I think it’s best
not to … I don’t want to get her all worked up about it.”
“But I will talk to Paula … let her know what’s going on.”
“What does Soleil know about me?” Justin asked her, curious as to know exactly what Daphne had told their
daughter about her father.
“Well … she knows you’re white.”
“Her coloring … and especially her eyes … are so down to you,” she smiled at him.
“And that we’ve been friends since school,” and Daphne looked at her watch.
“I really have to go, Justin.”
“My shift starts in thirty minutes,” and with both of them getting up, they hugged and kissed and pulling back,
Daphne smiled at him.
“I’m so glad we’re still friends … I thought I was gonna lose you,” she divulged, but Justin merely smiled and shook
his head. “You’ll never lose me, Daph,” he told her and then:
“Good luck with John.”
Daphne groaned. “Thank you.”
“Call me?” requested Justin and Daphne smiled and nodded and turning, she left as Justin sat back down in his seat.
Coming over, the waitress offered to refill his cup and Justin nodded absentmindedly, as he began to mull over what
having a daughter in his life could possibly mean; to him and to the rest of his family.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The two weeks following on from discovering he was a dad, would prove to be the longest two weeks of his life. Or
at least that’s how it would seem to Justin.
Brian had been anxious to know the outcome of his meeting with Daphne, and he detected the younger man’s initial
disappointment at the delay in meeting Soleil. Brian could see Justin was mulling something over; the younger man
uncharacteristically quiet and, as seemed to be their way of doing things, sensitive and important subjects were
discussed in private and often while getting ready for bed.
Brian could see his partner was nervous, but then that was only to be expected. Justin had an easy and natural way
with Gus, but then he had known the boy since the very day he was
born and that had made picking up the threads of their relationship that much easier when Brian and Justin had
become a real couple after so many years apart. But being introduced to a child of nearly twelve as their father was a
whole different story.
“You know I’ll do anything I can to make it as easy as possible for you, don’t you?” declared Brian and Justin
nodded and smiled. Brian’s support meant everything, but there would no doubt be circumstances where they would
both have to make compromises; something that Brian had taken a long time to learn how to do.
“This won’t affect us,” Justin sought to reassure him and Brian nodded, though in their heart of hearts, both men
knew this would probably not turn out to be the case. IF Soleil took to him and IF she wanted him to be a part of her
life, it would mean that Justin would have a family of sorts outside of the one he shared with Brian and Gus and he
hated the thought that anything might come between them. They’d experienced being torn apart over someone
outside of their partnership before and neither man wanted to see that happen again. But change was inevitable.
“We’ll just roll with the punches,” Brian told him, as he sought Justin’s mouth passionately with his own and Justin
returned his kiss just as ardently. Brian’s love so reassuring when needed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“We’ve got visitors,” stated Brian, coldly, if a little unnecessarily, as he returned to the living room, one evening a
few days later.
Brian had managed to get home a little early and he and Justin had both watched a children’s program with Gus
before dinner. And then with Gus upstairs doing his homework, Brian had been going over a few work papers and
Justin was drawing up a few ideas he’d had for a client. They’d all had a good day, from Gus at school, to Brian
working towards closing a deal with a new client, to Justin. Though the younger man had immersed himself totally
in work, only partly because of an urgent deadline, the rest so as not to think about his impending visit with his
daughter.
Brian could have taken his work up to his office and Justin could have carried on in the studio. But this way, at least
they got to be together and of course, always carried on the sort of conversations about all sorts of things while
doing something else: as you tend to in life.
At this point, they were brainstorming ideas for each other’s clients when the doorbell had rung, cutting Justin off
and both of them looked up. Brian looked at his watch; it was just 7:00pm. They rarely received unannounced
callers, especially in the evening and they exchanged looks before Brian slowly got up from the sofa and walked out
into the hallway. Through the glass in the front door, he could see two figures.
Justin held back, but he was every bit as cautious and even as nervous as Brian as the older man opened the door to
two women, who immediately identified themselves as Social Workers with Child Welfare Services.
Brian’s hostility was immediately noticeable, but surely understandable. Here were two people who were about to
start probing into their lives and their suitability to bring up a child.
Justin rubbed Brian’s arm reassuringly, as the man walked passed him into the living room, preceded by the social
workers, who then introduced themselves more fully.
Maria Elviras and Emma Robinson had been instructed by the Department of Child Welfare to look into a case of
two homosexuals bringing up a child, one of whom was apparently the boy’s natural father.
“Gus Peterson is your son?” asked Ms. Elviras of Brian for confirmation. Preferring to remain standing while
everyone else sat, Brian nodded. “He’s our son,” he answered pointedly.
“But we understand that you’re the natural father … Mr. Kinney?” queried Ms. Robinson.
“It’s my name on the birth certificate … yes, he‘s my son,” answered Brian, curtly. “But we’re raising him
together.”
“I see,” smiled Maria and she looked at Justin. “And you’re Justin … Taylor,” she continued, having consulted her
notes and Justin nodded.
“And how long have the two of you been together …”
“What business is that of yours?” cut in Brian, his anger threatening to get the better of him.
“We know why you’re here,” he continued before anyone had a chance to answer his question.
“You’re here because my mother hates me and everything I stand for … and she’ll do anything she can to hurt me
… including taking away my son …”
“Mr. Kinney … Gus’ welfare is all that concerns us … whatever argument you have with your mother is between
the two of you,” stated Emma, calmly.
“I’d like to see Gus,” she continued. “Is he here?”
“He’s in his room … doing his homework,” answered Justin and Emma smiled. “Why don’t you take me up to see
him … while Maria continues to talk with Mr. Kinney?”
Justin looked at Brian, but the man merely shrugged. Deep down, Brian knew that the more he kicked against this,
the worst it would go against them. But having complete strangers coming into his home and scrutinizing their lives
was almost too much to bear.
“This way,” stated Justin, and getting up, he led the way. Emma followed him. And going upstairs and knocking on
Gus’ door, Justin introduced Emma to him.
“Is it okay if we have a little chat, Gus?” asked Emma and Gus shrugged. “I guess,” and he looked at Justin for
confirmation. Justin nodded.
“I’d like to talk to him on his own,” stated Emma and Justin hesitated. “I’m not your enemy, Mr. Taylor,” Emma
smiled at him and her genuine warmth showed on her face. Justin nodded again. “Okay,” and he turned to Gus.
“Your dad and I are just downstairs, Gus,” and wondering what on earth the social worker was going to ask Gus,
Justin retreated back to the living room. He only hoped that in the meantime, Brian hadn’t blown his top already.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Emma and Justin’s absence, Maria had eventually persuaded Brian to sit down, though the man’s anger, mixed
with obvious concern and resentment, was clearly etched on his face and in his voice: As far as he was concerned,
any excuse and they would take his son away from him.
And once getting him seated, Maria had continued to ask Brian questions such as: How had Gus coped since the
death of his mother?
“Mothers,” corrected Brian. But he’d reluctantly conceded that it hadn’t been easy for either of them to begin with
and Maria had smiled sympathetically. “That’s only natural,” she answered him.
Then she asked what provision had been made for Gus while the two men were at work? Brian explained about
Rosa and that Justin worked from home and how they both arranged their workload so that at least one of them was
around, all the while having the inkling that somehow, Maria already knew this. She smiled as Justin returned to the
room and saw him take his seat on the sofa next to Brian; sitting very close to the other man. The closeness that
spoke of intimacy and support.
Maria asked about Brian and Gus’ relationship and then Gus’ relationship with Justin. She asked about hobbies and
what they did as a family unit and then about the youngsters’ schooling, his health and which doctor he was
registered with. Brian sighed, but eventually gave her all the information she needed, with Justin contributing when
he felt it necessary, in order to add to Brian’s answer or confirm and enlarge on a statement.
Then the question of Gus’ discipline was broached and Brian visibly bristled. “I have never laid a hand on my son in
anger,” declared Brian forcefully. “Neither of us have.”
“Then you don’t believe in corporal punishment?” continued the social worker, for verification. Brian paused and
rolled his lips into his mouth before answering, but Maria couldn’t help noticing the look in Justin’s eyes as he
glanced at his partner; his heart obviously going out to the man. Knowing that would always be the last thing on
Brian’s mind especially.
“No … I don’t,” confirmed Brian, quietly but firmly and Maria knew there was something behind that statement and
made an educated guess that the man knew what it was like to be on the receiving end.
During her questioning, Maria had listened carefully. These two men were obviously a partnership and a very
supportive and loving one at that.
Having seen the expensive neighborhood and house when she arrived, and looking around her, Maria commented on
Brian’s business: “You seem to be doing pretty well?”
“We do okay,” came the short answer as Brian was now starting to get really annoyed with the continued
questioning, which he was also beginning to consider bordering on harassment. Maria nodded, but could detect the
escalating iciness in Brian’s voice and curt answers.
Maria then stated how she’d understood that Gus had had a few problems at school.
“That all got straightened out,” stated Brian. “Though that’ll never happen to me,” he continued. Maria ignored that,
but noticed the glance Justin once again gave his partner, this time silently urging him to toe the line.
Did they have any visitors to the house? “We have orgies every Tuesday and Friday,” answered Brian and Maria
momentarily closed her eyes and sighed.
“That’s a joke,” stated Justin quickly, and shooting a pleading look in Brian’s direction.
“Mr. Kinney … neither the department nor I .. are totally opposed to same sex couples raising children … and I’m
probably a lot less shockable than you think,” stated Maria.
“I’ve seen things that have sometimes made it difficult for me to sleep at night,” she continued and then she smiled
at them. “But so far … I haven’t seen anything remotely like that here.”
“It isn’t that I’m not on your side here,” she continued, plainly. “All I’m concerned about is that Gus is being
brought up in a loving, nurturing and safe environment.”
“From what I’ve heard … you’ve made a lot of changes to your … routine … to accommodate your son, Mr. Kinney
… and believe me, I know how difficult it is to bring up a child on your own … I’ve done it myself,” she told him,
honestly.
“And if we broke up families every time we found out that one of the parents had … shall we say … a colorful past
… then I daresay there’d hardly be one complete family in the state.”
“I just want to establish that you … and Justin … are committed … to each other and to Gus … that your
relationship is stable … and that there is nothing detrimental to Gus‘ wellbeing.”
“And whether we can do anything to help,” added Emma, having re-joined them a few moments earlier. She’d been
upstairs with Gus for what seemed like hours and both Brian and Justin were beginning to get anxious and were
more than a little relieved when she re-appeared.
“Contrary to popular belief … our role isn’t to split families up … but rather to work with them so that they can
remain together … I assure you,” stated Maria.
Brian nodded. Hearing the sincerity in the woman’s voice and words, together with Justin’s obvious acceptance of
their genuineness and his eagerness that he comply, Brian visibly relaxed. Taking on board that there was no point
being at odds with them and that they may actually come out in their favor. Brian accepted that they probably really
did need them on their side and after Maria and Emma accepted the offer of coffee, the conversation continued more
about generalities than specifics, but it’s still interesting what can be gleaned from those sort of conversations.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“What about my mother’s challenge for custody?”
“What if she did take us to court?” queried Brian and Maria shrugged. “Unless she can prove that Gus is at risk … I
would think it highly unlikely that a judge would remove him from your care.”
“But there’s always a risk … isn’t there … depending on the judge?” asked Justin and Maria and Emma looked at
each other. “Obviously … we can’t give you guarantees … but I wouldn’t worry unduly.”
“Though we haven’t concluded our investigations fully yet,” she admitted.
“Who else will you be talking to?” asked Justin, curiously.
“The school … and Gus’ doctor,” answered Emma.
“Gus hardly ever sees a doctor,” Brian informed them and Maria smiled. “Well … that’s good,” she answered him.
Emma smiled. “Gus is a lovely young boy,” she stated. “Though he did tell me he’d had a few problems at school …
a bit of bullying, I understand?”
“We covered that,” answered her colleague and Brian nodded, a little calmer now. “Cos he has two dads,” he finally
admitted and Emma sighed. “That can’t have been easy … for any of you.“
“But it sounds like you handled it well … he seems to be growing up well-adjusted,” smiled Maria.
“Gus appears to be a very happy and healthy youngster,” stated her colleague.
“On the face of it … you have a lot to be proud of,” Emma told them both and she looked at Maria.
“Are we done here?” she asked, putting down her coffee cup.
“We’re done,” came the answer and getting to her feet and putting her paperwork back into her attaché case, Maria
held out her hand, which after a slight hesitation, Brian took. And he and Justin shook hands with both women, who
then made for the door. Brian followed them down the hallway.
“Did you get all your boxes ticked?“ asked Brian, if a tad sarcastically; he just couldn’t help it. Maria turned around
and smiled genuinely. She hadn’t been surprised at his initial hostility, she would have felt exactly the same in his
position. And though she knew she shouldn’t make snap judgments, once he’d calmed down and relaxed, Maria had
warmed to him. She liked him. She liked them both.
“We may … or may not … be in touch again,” Maria told him.
“Good evening, Mr. Kinney,” and Brian watched them walk down the path towards their car. He closed the door.
Now, what the hell had Emma and Gus talked about?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“She asked what I did when you and Justin were at work.”
“And then she asked about school … and I showed her the project I’ve been working on … and I told her how you’d
been helping me with it,” stated Gus to his father.
“And I told her about soccer … and how we came top … and that you and Justin come to all my games …”
“And we talked about when I met grandma Joan this summer …”
“We talked about both grandma’s,” Gus continued.
Brian and Justin exchanged looks, but neither of them said anything.
“Then she asked what happened if I ever got into trouble …”
“What did you say?” asked Brian anxiously, and Gus shrugged. “That you stopped my allowance for a week … or
wouldn’t let me watch tv or play video games …”
“She was nice,” Gus told them, apparently unfazed by his conversation with a social worker and he then made his
way into the kitchen for something to eat for supper. Like most boys his age, Gus appeared to have hollow legs and
could always eat. But it looked like he was heading to be at least as tall as his dad and easily burned off any excess
calories.
Brian and Justin looked at each other and Brian let out a deep sigh. Gus seemed to be able to shrug off his encounter
with Child Welfare Services. But despite the two women’s encouraging words of reassurance, Brian still wasn‘t
totally convinced.
“That didn’t go half as bad as I was expecting,” admitted Justin and Brian frowned.
“You think?”
“Yeah … they sounded genuinely concerned with Gus’ wellbeing … rather than focusing on the fact that he’s being
raised by queers.”
“All their questions could have been aimed at straight parents,” Justin pointed out and Brian finally nodded in
agreement. “I guess so,” he conceded.
“If they go back and tell your mother that they don’t think Gus is at risk … do you think she’ll still pursue it?” asked
Justin and Brian shrugged. “Knowing Joan … anything is likely.”
“She’ll probably think she has the almighty on her side so anything’s possible,” snorted Brian, irreverently. But then
he sighed. At least the meeting with the dreaded social workers was out of the way now and they’d just have to see
what came next.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Do you think I should buy her something … you know … like a present?” asked Justin, but Brian shrugged. “You
don’t wanna look like you’re trying to buy your way into her affections,” he cautioned and Justin frowned. It was
early morning the day before his trip to New York to meet Soleil and before showering and still in his robe, Justin
was already sorting through the clothes he wanted to take with him. He’d got up early, too nervous and excited to
sleep. Brian had only been awake a few moments and he yawned and stretched.
“You have a point,” stated Justin in reply.
“But it feels strange … going empty handed.”
“Hey … I have an idea,” and abruptly leaving what he was doing, Justin shot up to his studio to rummage through
some old works.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Found it,” declared Justin, as he came back into the bedroom around ten minutes later. Clad in only a towel
wrapped around his waist, Brian had begun to shave before his shower and he broke off what he was doing to go
back into the bedroom as he heard Justin’s exclamation.
“What is it?”
“A drawing I did of Daph … when we were around 16,” answered Justin and turning the drawing around, he held it
up for Brian to see. It was obviously an early work and had been part of his belongings that his mom had kept for
him, but which he‘d since collected from her and the subject of this particular drawing was undoubtedly Daphne.
“That … she will love,” stated Brian and then he frowned.
“How long are you gonna be away?” he asked the younger man.
“Two nights,” came the answer. “And we’re taking the early flight tomorrow morning.”
“Then I guess that means an early night?” asked Brian, those hazel eyes twinkling and Justin grinned his own, blue
eyes, just as sparkling.
“An early night to get some sleep,” confirmed Justin and he grinned.
“’Fraid so.”
“So I guess we better make the most of it,” continued the younger man and with one deft move, he stretched out and
Brian’s towel dropped to the floor.
“Oops.”
“Butterfingers,” accused Brian, grinning at him, and the younger man moved in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Do I look okay?” asked Justin and Daphne shook her head, but she couldn’t help smiling all the same.
“What?” asked Justin in confusion and Daphne chuckled.
“You look great … as usual.”
“And you know it,” she teased him.
Justin had picked her up on the way to the airport. Despite her attempt at humor, he could see immediately that
Daphne was obviously upset and didn’t want to talk about it in the cab, but in the terminal and sitting away from
their fellow passengers as they waited to board their flight, she’d eventually opened up to him.
The previous evening, Daphne had finally found the courage to tell John the true reason behind her frequent visits to
New York. In fact, contrary to Daphne’s belief that John just accepted her trips away, he’d actually begun to think
she was having an affair or getting cold feet about their wedding. Telling him she had a child was the last thing John
was expecting and he hadn’t taken the revelation at all well.
It wasn’t just the child that was the stumbling block, it was also keeping the fact from him that had angered and
upset John; he obviously wasn’t alone there and increasingly, Daphne was beginning to regret her decision to keep
quiet about Soleil all these years. But she was still just a kid when she’d had to face the biggest decision she’d had to
make back then and it was too late to do anything about it now. Now, everyone had to deal with the consequences.
Assuming Soleil’s father had abandoned Daphne, John asked: “What about your parents?”
“Wouldn’t they help you keep her?” Daphne had shaken her head. “They wanted me to abort her … or put her up for
adoption,” Daphne had informed him and she saw John soften a little. Parents were supposed to stick by their kids as
far as he was concerned. After all, this wasn’t the middle-ages, and she wasn’t the first, or would be the last girl, to
get pregnant. Hell, getting pregnant before getting married seemed to be a prerequisite these days, he’d told her.
Seeing Daphne sitting on their sofa and clearly upset, John had sighed and gone to sit beside her. “It’s okay,“ he told
her, squeezing her hand. After all, he loved her and eventually, when he got over the shock, they‘d work things out,
wouldn‘t they? Then he asked who the father was.
“You have to be joking!” exclaimed John, getting back on his feet and shocked to the core when the name of
Soleil’s father was revealed.
“Are you having an affair with him?” he asked Daphne, accusingly. “Of course not,” declared his fiancé. “Justin’s
gay!”
“Oh really?”
“Then how did you get pregnant … don’t tell me the stork just delivered her!”
“Or did you want his kid all along … I believe the old turkey baster comes in handy …”
“Don’t be so ridiculous,” Daphne came back at him, annoyed at John’s tone.
“If you want the truth … it was my first time … and I wanted someone I could trust …”
“And Justin’s my best friend.”
“And more than willing to get you into bed,” shouted John, back at her, despite Daphne furiously shaking her head
to refute his statement.
“I thought I was your best friend,” he continued, more quietly and obviously disappointed. Slowly getting to her
feet, Daphne crossed the floor between them. She placed her hand on his arm.
“Justin and I have always been close … I won’t deny that.”
“But it’s you I’m marrying … it’s you I’m in love with,” stated Daphne, earnestly.
“I’ve apologized for not telling you … I only recently told Justin,” she admitted.
“And I want Soleil to get to know both of you …”
“I want her with us …”
“Now hold on,” John told her, and moving away. “We’re not even married yet … but after all the time we’ve been
together … you only now announce you have a daughter?“
“I haven’t even met her … and you‘re telling me you want her with us.”
“That’s a big ask, Daphne,” John informed her.
“But I thought …”
“What?” cut in John. “You just assumed I’d take it in my stride?”
“I have news for you, Daphne.”
“That’s a big assumption …“
“But we said we’d want children one day,” Daphne reminded him, but John shook his head.
“One day … we said we’d want our own children … but to be landed with a child that isn’t even mine … without
any warning … you’re asking a lot,” and John ran his hand over his forehead. He sighed.
“Look … I’ve got to go away for a few days … I have to go to the Chicago office …”
“You never told me,” stated Daphne, in surprise.
“Well I’m telling you now … I was heading out on Sunday … I’m almost packed and …”
“And I’m gonna book into a motel tonight and see if I can change my flight for tomorrow … get a head start …
there’s plenty of work I can do.”
“You’re leaving me?” asked Daphne, astounded at the turn of events and she saw John swallow.
“No … I don’t know … I’m not sure,” he admitted. “But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I don’t think I’m ready to
be a dad yet …”
“Then don’t be,” suggested Daphne. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t get to know her …”
“Leave it Daph … I need to think about all this … and at least the next few days apart gives us room to breath …”
“When did I need room to breath away from you?” asked Daphne, feeling her insides churning as her eyes filled
with tears.
“Then just say … that I need a little room away from you right now,” stated John and he headed for the bedroom
where he finished his packing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Returning to the living room with his holdall and jacket, John approached Daphne, who was sitting on the sofa,
reeling from the shock of his reaction. Dropping his holdall onto the floor, he placed his hand on the back of
Daphne’s head and she looked up at him.
“I’m not saying I’m giving up on us … I just need … a little room so I can get my head together,” John admitted,
and leaning down, he kissed her forehead.
“Have a safe flight … and a good trip,” he told her. “You too,” came her whispered reply and she watched him pick
up his holdall.
“I’ll call you in a couple of days …” called John, over his shoulder.
“Will you be gone long?” Daphne asked him and turning to face her, John shrugged.
“I was due to stay a few days … I might stay a little longer,” and he managed a weak smile.
“I’ll call you,” and John, also reeling from this evening’s disclosures, headed out to the street to hail a cab.
Numb, Daphne finished her own packing, took a bath and went to bed. She cried into her pillow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I’m so sorry, Daph,” stated Justin, placing his arm around her shoulders as she finished relaying the events of the
previous evening and he’d squeezed her hand.
The flight to NYC was pretty uneventful, with neither of them talking very much. And now
in the taxi to Tony and Paula’s, Justin was beginning to get really anxious. While Daphne was wondering whether
she was about to lose everything.
“I can’t believe I’m this nervous about meeting an eleven year old,” groaned Justin and Daphne smiled weakly and
squeezed his arm. “You’ll be fine,“ she told him. But Daphne couldn’t help being concerned herself. Her fears now
of losing John and of losing Soleil to Justin were real and though she knew this was something that had to be done,
she was also very nervous about the meeting and Soleil’s reaction.
Of course Soleil might actually hate the whole idea and equally hate her mother for not telling her the truth all these
years. But coming to a halt outside Paula and Tony’s apartment building, it was too late to pull out now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin agreed that they should meet Soleil in her home. Somewhere she would feel comfortable and at ease. Tony
and Paula welcomed Justin warmly and he waited in the living room while Daphne went to talk to Soleil in her
room. She’d called her daughter the previous evening to talk to her and tell her she was coming and, as usual, the
girl was looking forward to seeing her mom. They spoke on the phone every day, as well as emailing, but it wasn’t
the same.
Daphne took a deep breath and Soleil spotted her mother’s concern and hesitation immediately. Heightened ten-fold
when Daphne took her daughter’s hands and sat her down on the bed.
“You know I love you, don’t you,” asked Daphne, anxiously and Soleil smiled. “Sure,” came the answer.
“And you know I only left you with Paula and Tony as a baby ‘cos I was so young … and …”
“It’s okay, mom,” Soleil told her. “I understand you thought that’s what I needed … I know you would have had me
with you if you could,” stated Soleil and her mother reached out to gently stroke her daughter’s cheek. She loved her
so much and the separations were getting harder all the time. She couldn’t bear to lose her altogether.
“And you know how much Paula and Tony love you …” she continued.
“Of course I do,“ came the confirmation and Soleil sighed. “Mom, what is it?”
Daphne took a deep breath and tried to put her fears to one side for Soleil’s sake.
“You asked me about your father,” Daphne reminded her and her daughter nodded.
“Well … he’d like to meet you.”
“He would?”
“What’s his name?”
“Is he here?” asked Soleil excitedly, one question after another and Daphne couldn’t help grinning at her daughter’s
enthusiasm.
“Whoa … one question at a time,” begged Daphne and she took a deep breath before continuing.
“His name is Justin and yes … he’s here … and he’s very excited about meeting you,” she continued.
“So … do you wanna go meet him?” asked Daphne and Soleil nodded.
Daphne let out a long breath. “Okay … let’s go and meet your father.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With Kyle at a friend’s, Paula and Tony had taken their new baby and had now gone out for the day, leaving the
place free for Daphne, Soleil and Justin.
Justin had been nervously pacing the living room floor and turned when he heard the door open behind him.
Standing in the doorway was Daphne and the young girl that so far, he’d only seen photographs of. Justin smiled
broadly. The first thing his daughter noticed about him: his beautiful smile.
“Justin … this is Soleil,” introduced Daphne and Justin took just one step forward and then stopped. He didn’t really
know what to do. Should he just stand there or should he offer to shake hands, or should he hug her?
“Hi,” smiled Justin, his stomach turning somersaults and he didn’t have to worry as it was Soleil who approached
him, drawn in by Justin’s approachable manner and sparkling blue eyes; that and her natural assuredness and
confidence.
In turn, Justin found himself staring down into pale, smiling eyes and couldn’t help noticing her beautiful,
unblemished honey-colored complexion. She was adorable and he hoped she’d let him draw her one day.
“Hi,” smiled Soleil in turn and then Justin looked over at Daphne and chuckled.
“This is so weird … I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do,” he admitted. But Soleil knew and immediately
feeling a connection with him, she looked up at him.
“You can hug me … if you want,” she told him and Justin grinned even more broadly and leaning down, took the
youngster in his arms and gave her a hug. Justin closed his eyes and could feel the tears prickling behind his eyes as
he held his daughter in his arms for the first time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Going to make her and Justin coffee and get a juice for Soleil, Daphne left the two of them in the living room and
sitting on the sofa, getting acquainted.
“I have something for you,” remembered Justin, after regaining his equilibrium, and reaching into his holdall, he
produced a sheet of parchment, measuring around 12x9ins. and handed it to Soleil.
“It’s mom!” she squealed, delightedly, immediately recognizing the image and Justin nodded.
“I drew that when we were just kids.”
“It looks just like her,” cried Soleil in amazement and Justin smiled.
“I’m an artist,” he told her.
“I have my own graphic art company … but I hope to do more of my own art one day,” confirmed Justin and he saw
Soleil frown, as she was still taking in how long he’d known her mother.
“Then you and mom knew each other a long time?” asked Soleil after a few moments deliberation and Justin
nodded. “A very long time,” he grinned at her. Soleil frowned again.
“Then … why didn’t the two of you get married when I came along?” she asked him and she caught Justin’s
hesitation and saw his crestfallen look. He‘d hoped he wouldn‘t have to answer that question quite this early, but
he‘d promised himself he‘d be honest with her from the start.
“I do care about your mom,” Justin told her quietly and earnestly. “But as a friend,” and he took a deep breath to
steel himself.
“But the reason we didn’t get married … or become a couple … is because I’m gay,” continued Justin and he looked
up at Daphne, who had just re-entered the room with their drinks, and some toast, on a tray.
“You understand what that means, don’t you, Soleil?” asked Daphne as she saw her daughter continue to survey
Justin.
“You like boys?”
“Men,” corrected her father. “I love another man,” he continued and Soleil blinked.
“Does that mean I now have two more dads?”
“I mean as well as Tony?” asked Soleil confused and Justin looked at Daphne. That was a complication they hadn‘t
considered and Justin frowned.
“Well, Brian … that’s my partner … he has a son … look,” and reaching inside his jacket, Justin produced his wallet
and from inside, he produced a small photograph of Brian and Gus. He handed it to Soleil.
“He’s cute,” stated the youngster and Justin only hoped she meant Gus. Otherwise that was all they needed, an
eleven year old with a crush on Brian.
“I like to think of Gus as my son too,” Justin told her and he saw Soleil’s expression fall.
“Oh.”
“Does that mean you won’t have any room for me?” she asked him and Justin immediately shook his head.
“No … no of course not,” he continued, urgently, needing to reassure her.
“I hoped we’d get to know each other … maybe spend some time together?” he suggested, hopefully.
“Okay … I’d really like that,” came the answer Justin was hoping for.
“Then why don’t we finish our drinks, eat our toast … and think of somewhere we could spend the day,” suggested
Daphne and she looked over at Justin, who smiled back at her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It would seem that Justin and Soleil already had something in common. Soleil loved to visit the Children’s Museum
of Art, crammed into a narrow slot between two commercial spaces near Chinatown, an unmissable zebra statue on
the sidewalk and bright colors adorning the front door.
Many of the CMA exhibits are, in fact, workspaces, where children are encouraged to experiment with creating their
own art, with materials provided. A venue which guaranteed to occupy any child with several art filled hours.
“This place is just great!” exclaimed Justin, approvingly and he showed Soleil how to hold her brush in order to
make long, easy strokes, something she picked up like a natural.
“She obviously takes after you,” conceded Daphne, with just a hint of wistfulness in her voice and she tried not to
feel the jealousy rise inside her as she watched the easiness with which Justin and his daughter so obviously enjoyed
in each other’s company.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“What are you thinking?” asked Daphne, after she’d watched Justin for a few moments.
After giving his daughter several tips and enjoying every minute of it, they left Soleil to her own artistic devices and
had taken a seat just a little away from her in order to give her, and them, a little space. Justin smiled.
“I was thinking how different this trip is … compared to when I’ve been to New York before,” he answered her.
Daphne nodded and then grinned broadly. “You mean when you ran away … and Brian came looking for you,” she
reminded him and Justin couldn’t help blushing slightly at the memory of some of the hottest sex he and Brian had
ever shared.
Brian had thrown him out of the loft after forgetting to set the alarm and allowing most of the older man’s
possessions to be stolen. In turn, Justin had swiped Brian’s credit card and booked himself on a plane to the Big
Apple. He was 17 and had actually been terrified when he found himself in this city and had hidden away in the
hotel room, praying Brian would care enough to come find him. The older man hadn’t let him down and it had been
some reunion: They’d fucked their brains out.
“And the next time, I came looking for Brian,” stated Justin and he shook his head and chuckled.
“I must have been insane …”
“I was living in California … it was Christmas … I’d heard Gus on the radio … and everything changed.”
“I knew I had to try and find them … but I only had the slimmest of information from a letter Gus wrote me …
telling me his dad had promised to take him to the Empire State Building to watch the light show on Christmas
Eve.”
“I could only get a flight as far as Pittsburgh … everything was booked up for the holidays and I had to get a rental
car and drive the rest of the way.”
“But you did find them,” smiled Daphne and Justin nodded. “Thank god … I can’t imagine my life now without
Brian … and Gus,” and then he looked over at Soleil, sitting on the floor and totally immersed in what she was
doing.
“But this time … I came looking for my daughter.” Reaching out, Justin covered Daphne’s hand with his own. “I’m
still not sure I understand why you didn’t tell me about her.”
“But Soleil has got to be one of the best things that’s ever happened to me … along with finding Brian again … and
I want to be a real dad, Daphne,” Justin informed her and Daphne nodded. “I know … and I want you to.”
“That sounds like a ‘but’ in there somewhere,” frowned Justin and Daphne shrugged.
“I’m getting married, Justin … at least I hope I am.“
“In which case … I want John to be part of Soleil’s life too.”
“But I am her father, Daph … don’t I get some sort of preferential consideration? After all this time?”
“I mean it’s not like John’s been a father to her already,” Justin pointed out to her.
Retrieving her hand from underneath Justin’s, Daphne clasped both her hands in her lap. “I understand what you’re
saying … but it’s important to me that she gets to know John too …”
“Daphne … I don’t want to make things difficult …” and Justin hesitated as something just occurred to him.
“Is my name on her birth certificate?” he asked her and he saw Daphne blink.
“It is … isn’t it?” he guessed and slowly, Daphne nodded. “I didn’t want to deny it … or not let Soleil know who her
father was one day.”
“But don’t think you can use that as some kind of lever … I’m not getting into any sort of custody battle with you,
Justin.”
“Scared you wouldn’t win?” asked Justin, unable to hide his feelings of resentment. “And not just me … after all
…Tony and Paula could make a case too.”
“That’s not fair, Justin,” Daphne told him, doing her best to stop her voice from raising and to not alert Soleil. “I had
to convince my parents to even let me go through with the pregnancy … they initially wanted her aborted … and
they gave me a hard time when I wouldn’t tell them who her father was.”
“They still don’t know … I had to register her without them knowing.”
Justin sighed, accepting it couldn’t have been easy and that he better not push it. “You’re right … I don’t want to get
into any fight with you … but surely I have rights too, Daph … and I’m gonna exercise them.”
“But for Soleil’s sake … I want us to be as civilized about this as possible … agreed?”
“Agreed,” echoed Daphne, after a deep sigh and those feelings that Soleil would slip away from her resurfaced.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few hours at the CMA, followed by a late lunch at a favorite haunt of Soleil’s and then a trip to the zoo in Central
Park, Soleil was pretty much done in, and so were Daphne and Justin.
Thankfully, Justin had remembered at the last moment to pack his camera, taking several shots of Soleil and of
Soleil and Daphne together, throughout the day. Daphne also took several photographs of Justin and Soleil, while
Soleil equally wanted a photograph of her parents together.
And then a well-meaning Japanese tourist offered to take their picture, as long as Justin did the same in return,
resulting in an unexpected, but very welcome, photograph of mom, dad and daughter.
With father and daughter enjoying their day especially and seeing how the two of them got on so well, Daphne had
felt obliged to hang back a little at times. With conflicting emotions, part of her couldn’t help feeling somewhat
isolated, but the other part was overjoyed that after so long without meeting, Soleil and Justin had taken to each.
Like Justin had said, he did have rights and now, having met him, she could hardly prevent Soleil from continuing to
see him and get to know him better. She only hoped John would give her daughter a chance too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Why can’t you stay with us tonight?” asked Soleil, later, back at the apartment, when they’d returned to enable
Justin to collect his holdall; having booked himself into a small hotel just a couple of blocks away before they came.
“There isn’t really the room,” explained Daphne and Soleil had accepted her answer, but was still disappointed that
Justin wasn’t staying over. But Daphne had invited Justin to have dinner with them all and with everyone returning
after their day’s activities, the apartment was noisy, but friendly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Go and have your bath and get ready for bed,” Daphne told a very tired young girl and even though she could
hardly keep her eyes open, Soleil was reluctant to leave her father’s side.
“Off you go … I’ll wait and say goodnight,” Justin promised her and giving him a hug, Soleil had finally agreed.
Getting down from the table, she toddled off, leaving the adults to their coffee; Kyle having already taken himself
off to his room to watch TV.
“You’ve made a hit there,” smiled Tony and Justin smiled back. “Thanks … but I know this can’t be easy on you,
either,” he acknowledged. “And I’m probably the last person you ever envisaged as Soleil’s father,” admitted Justin,
eluding to both his color and his sexuality. Tony grinned.
“It’s okay … we won’t hold coming from Pittsburgh against you,” he chuckled, his eyes twinkling. Justin grinned
back, pleased and so very grateful that these were the people Daphne had chosen to care for their daughter.
But Tony then reached out and took Paula’s hand. “Soleil’s been like a daughter to us … but she’s also had a good
relationship with Daphne … she’s always known who her real mother was … and we’d always known that one day,
Daphne would probably want her back to live with her.”
“And she should,” affirmed Paula, smiling at her husband. “After all … we’ve our own family now … and though
we’ll always love Soleil … and there will always be a place for her with us … she deserves to be with her real mom
…”
“And dad,” she continued, looking over at Justin and then at Daphne, who had remained quiet.
“It’s not going to be terribly easy for anyone … it’s going to mean a whole new life for her … for all of us,”
continued Paula and she smiled reassuringly at Daphne. “John will come around … you‘ll see,” she told her.
Listening to Paula, Justin’s heart missed a beat and he looked at Daphne. “Then … she is coming to live with you …
in Pittsburgh?” he asked her, daring to think he could have his daughter in the same state and just a reasonable drive
away. Daphne nodded.
“Regardless of what happens with me and John … yes … I definitely want Soleil with me … as long as she wants to
come that is,” sighed Daphne.
“Of course she will,” smiled Paula. “Now that she knows she can have the both of you.”
“But I don’t wanna upset her schooling … so it won’t happen immediately,” stated Daphne.
“There are some great schools back home,” chimed in Justin. “And if you want her to go to private school … then
I’ll help …”
“Let’s not make too many decisions too soon,” cut in Daphne and Justin looked down into his coffee cup. He was
obviously getting too eager, and feared getting in Daphne’s bad books. But he couldn’t wait to have Soleil as a
permanent feature in his life.
“Anything we can do to make it easier … for all of you … you just have to say,” assured Tony and Justin smiled,
gratefully, again.
“Same goes for me,” stated Justin and Daphne nodded. It was going to be so hard, but having seen the instant
connection between them, Daphne knew she’d have a tough time on her hands preventing her daughter seeing her
father, even if she wanted to. But she’d denied them both for too long and whatever the cost to her, she now had to
put it right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Had a good day?” asked Justin, as he sat on the edge of Soleil’s bed and the youngster nodded.
“The best,” came her answer and Justin grinned.
“Well … we have another day tomorrow … so you can have a think about what you wanna do,” and he leaned down
to kiss her forehead, only to be enveloped in her arms and they hugged.
Fighting to keep back the tears that threatened to well up, Justin eventually disentangled himself from the sleepy
girl’s hold and reaching out, brought the covers up and over her shoulders. He moved away and towards the door
and turned out the overhead light, leaving just the light coming in from the hallway illuminating the room.
“Night Soleil.”
“Night dad,” answered his daughter as she turned away and cuddled into her pillow and Justin had to swallow the
lump that had formed in his throat as he quietly closed the bedroom door.
Although he had a great relationship with Gus, this was the first time anyone had called him by that particular name
and he couldn’t believe how fantastic it sounded.
Chapter 5
Laying on top of the covers, Justin could hardly sleep, thinking back over the first meeting with his daughter and
about spending another day with her tomorrow. The hotel he’d booked into was okay, but as usual, any bed without
Brian seemed empty. And despite the lateness of the hour, he had to call him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian could hear the euphoria in the younger man’s voice and wasn’t a bit surprised when his cell rang just before
midnight. He’d been expecting the call all evening.
“She’s beautiful … and she likes art … I think she could be talented too,” stated Justin and Brian grinned as he
heard the obvious pride in his tone.
“Sounds like you were getting anxious unnecessarily,” stated Brian and on the other end of the line, Justin frowned.
“I wasn’t anxious,” he stated, trying to sound a tad put out by Brian’s accusation, and then he heard him chuckle.
“’Course not,” came the older man’s response and Justin groaned.
“Okay … maybe I was a little anxious … and you’re right … I needn’t have … it’s been amazing.”
“She’s amazing …”
“And you’ve got another day tomorrow,” Brian reminded him as he lay back on the pillows, pleased to hear that the
experience had been such a positive one for Justin.
“How’s Daphne?” asked Brian and he heard Justin sigh. “John didn’t take it very well … he’s gone away on
business for a few days.”
“Are they gonna be okay?” asked Brian and Justin shrugged at the question. “I hope so … but it can’t be easy to
come to terms with.”
“I’m still blown away by it … but it’s not me who’s marrying her.”
“But Daph did say that whatever happened with her and John … that she was gonna bring Soleil to Pittsburgh.”
“Well, that’s something to look forward to,” stated Brian, but he couldn’t help wondering again how they’d all be
effected by that and how both he and Gus would take having to share Justin with someone else.
“I guess I better let you turn in,” stated Justin after a short pause and he couldn’t stop himself from yawning as the
initial excitement was beginning to wear off and tiredness set in.
“You know … we usually amuse ourselves … when we’re apart and on the phone like this,“ Brian reminded him,
though it was generally when Brian was in New York, visiting the Kinnetik office there and he heard Justin manage
a chuckle.
“Not tonight … I’m too exhausted … I’ll be asleep before we get passed the ‘what are you wearing’ stage … which
is usually nothing.”
“Then I guess I’m just gonna have to amuse myself,” Brian informed him, tongue in cheek.
“Don’t wear it out … I’ll be back Monday morning,” Justin told him and he scooted under the covers.
“I won’t,” Brian promised him and they made their goodnights.
“Miss you.”
“Love you,” Justin told him and Brian whispered his answer in return, followed by:
“Justin …”
“Yeah?” came the sleepy answer.
“I’m glad things went well with Soleil … I can’t wait to meet her.”
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Brian,” answered Justin, quietly smiling and he shut his phone off as sleep began to overtake him.
Brian couldn’t help smiling himself, as he closed his own phone and he reached for the tv remote. He turned up the
volume, resuming his viewing of a late night James Dean movie, wishing, as always whenever he was alone, that
Justin was there with him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After showering and dressing, Justin headed out early, making his way to the Chanders’ apartment building. Justin
had suggested that it would be nice if just the three of them met for breakfast and Daphne agreed. And with Soleil
having decided what she wanted to do for the day, they then grabbed a cab.
The bistro was just off Broadway and all three of them settled on juice, eggs and toast, with a pot of strong coffee
for Daphne and Justin.
Soleil chatted to Justin as if she’d known him all her life. She was bright and proved to have quite the dry sense of
humor too and the connection the two of them felt on their first meeting continued to increase and deepen even
further.
Then, after a reasonably leisurely breakfast, they all enjoyed the walk into Times Square where they continued a
short way, in order to catch one of the double-decker, open top tour buses to take the downtown loop, taking in the
route past the Empire State Building, Greenwich Village, the Flatiron Building, Chinatown and Little Italy to name a
few areas of interest.
With it still being a relatively warm day for October, they were able to get off the bus at several of the stops to enjoy
the shops, sights and sounds of the various neighborhoods, including lingering for a while at the memorial for what
had once been Ground Zero, but which was now the site of the Freedom Tower.
“Did you know that the priest who was killed here on 9/11 … as he tended to the dead and dying firefighters … was
gay?” asked Justin, referring to the bravery of Father Mychal Judge, who had indeed lost his own life while
administering the last rites.
“And one of the guys who helped bring down the hijacked plane in PA … where they sacrificed their own lives
before the plane could do more damage on the ground … he was gay too.”
“Don’t you think she’s a little young for all this?” whispered Daphne, but Justin shook his head. “I’m sick of still
hearing that gay people contribute nothing positive to society,” he told her.
“But gay people influence all our lives … it isn’t just in the arts and entertainment … there are all kinds of gay
public servants.”
“People just don’t want to admit it … and I don’t want my daughter growing up under any misconceptions about
gay people and how much we contribute.” Justin took a deep breath, prepared to continue, but Daphne couldn’t help
grinning, which in turn cut Justin off and elicited a smile from her best friend.
“Sorry … I guess I do go off on one every now and again,” he told her and Daphne nodded and then slipped her arm
through his.
“I haven’t heard that much passion since your speech at the Gay/Straight Alliance,” she told him, referring to
Justin’s heartfelt commitment to gay causes, which continued to this day.
“But I’m relying on both of us to make sure Soleil is brought up knowing just how important everyone is to society
… whether they’re gay or straight … black or white,” confirmed Daphne and she smiled down at Soleil before
looking back up at Justin.
“But there are things that she maybe she is still a little young for,” she grinned at him and Justin grinned back. True;
he could think of a few things for sure.
“Point taken,” Justin told her and then reaching out, he took Soleil’s hand.
“Ready to move on?” he asked her and Soleil nodded, squeezing his hand, and they moved off to catch the tour bus
at the next stop and to any casual observer, they would seem a young and loving family group.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the end, it took all day to do the route as Soleil insisted on getting off the bus at all the major sites. But Justin
certainly didn’t mind and neither for that, did Daphne, with Justin making sure they had a photographic record of the
day.
And then all too soon, it was time to head off home, where Tony and Paula had decided to order in take out for a
treat so that no one had to spend time preparing their meal or clearing up afterwards, leaving plenty of time for
everyone to get more acquainted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the day, Soleil had called out ‘Dad’ to Justin on many occasions and only once had he failed to respond, not
connecting with the unfamiliar endearment. But the pull on his hand and hearing the word repeated, soon brought
him around and he never failed to respond after that.
And then after dinner, Justin waited again for Soleil to get ready for bed, a little earlier this time, as tomorrow was a
school day. And he waited to say goodnight.
“Will you be gone in the morning?” asked Soleil, anxious that she might not get to say goodbye to her dad, but
Justin shook his head.
“No … I’ll make sure I come by early enough to see you off to school,” he told her and Soleil frowned.
“Am I gonna see you again?” she asked him and sitting down on the bed, Justin nodded.
“Sure … and I can call and we can email … if you want.”
“I’d like that,” Soleil told him as Justin tucked the duvet under her chin.
“Goodnight sweetheart,” whispered Justin and he leaned down to kiss the youngster’s forehead.
“Goodnight dad,” answered Soleil, groggily. Quietly, Justin crept out of the room, his daughter already asleep, but
he couldn’t help pausing in the doorway for one more look at his sleeping princess.
As promised, the following morning, Justin arrived in time to accompany Soleil to school, before he and Daphne
had to start off for the airport and their flight back to Pittsburgh. Not that Justin needed a plane, still being on cloud
9.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the flight home, Justin and Daphne talked about his continuing contact with Soleil, with Daphne accepting that
Justin would want to visit Soleil as often as he could until she moved to Pittsburgh to be with her mother, but he
wasn’t to upset her schedule too much.
Soleil apparently had ballet and ice-skating lessons during the week, as well as homework and the usual socializing
undertaken by girls her age and by the end of their conversation, Justin was wondering where he was going to fit in.
He bit his lip, resisting the temptation to cause any confrontation, remembering Daphne’s words; that she was
worried that he might replace her in Soleil’s affections and he would never wish for that to happen. After all, she
was both their daughter.
Although he was determined to maintain contact, Justin decided it was probably best to wait until Soleil was settled
in Pittsburgh before asserting his rights to more of his daughter’s time.
“Have you told Soleil you’re getting married?” asked Justin. He’d noticed that Daphne never mentioned John
around her, though she did still wear her engagement ring.
“No, not yet,” she admitted. “That’s next … I only hope now that John comes around.”
“Have you heard from him?”
Daphne nodded. “He called me early this morning … said he was going to be in Chicago until the end of the week
… but then he’ll be home.”
“Well that’s good news,” answered Justin hopefully, and Daphne managed a weak smile.
“I hope so,” came the wistful reply.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After dropping Daphne off, Justin decided not to head straight home. He’d called Brian, confirming the man had
gone into the office and so Justin made for Kinnetik, collecting two expensive Latte’s on the way, his holdall slung
over his shoulder.
Brian had an urgent deadline to complete, but with no meetings this morning, was on his own in his office. Still
needing to continue what he was doing, he decided not to interrupt, not that he could get a word in, and he sipped his
Latte and continued to work as Justin excitedly recounted his trip to New York.
Eventually, Brian sat back in his chair and, seeing the amused look on his partner’s face, Justin stopped midsentence.
“What?” he asked him and Brian grinned further.
“Just figuring you were gonna have to come up for air eventually,” Brian told him and he thought he saw Justin
color a little.
“I guess I have been going on,” he admitted and Brian shrugged. “Really? I hadn’t noticed,“ he told him and Justin
chuckled before frowning.
“Soleil is so beautiful … I can‘t believe Daphne‘s parents wanted her aborted …” Justin stopped and silently
groaning at his thoughtless remark, he looked over at Brian. “I’m sorry,” began Justin, knowing how close to home
that must have hit.
“No problem,” Brian assured him, but he saw Justin’s continued worried look and getting up out of his chair, he
moved around his desk to where Justin was standing.
“What’s up?” Brian asked him, slipping his arms around the smaller man’s waist. Justin placed his hands on Brian’s
shoulders. “Apart from my stupidity?” he asked him and then he sighed.
“It’s just that … I’m not exactly sure how much contact I’m actually gonna get with Soleil.”
“Daphne’s agreed I can see her … but I can’t disrupt her schedule too much …”
“Is that a problem?” asked Brian, confused as to why Justin was worrying too much and Justin shrugged.
“I guess not.“
“But this weekend has been like … like a fairy story … meeting the daughter I never knew I had and spending some
real quality time with her.”
“And?” frowned Brian, even more confused and Justin sighed. “I guess I’m just worried that Daphne might change
her mind about access.”
“Or that once the novelty’s worn off … that Soleil might change her mind about wanting me in her life.”
“Ah,“ answered Brian, once Justin had admitted the real reason for his concern and drawing Justin in closer, Brian
leaned down to kiss him deeply.
“That will never happen,” he whispered reassuringly and Justin smiled in return. Grateful for Brian’s assuredness,
bolstering his unusually flagging confidence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Understandably, Justin was still on a high from his visit to Soleil, but there were a couple of people who deserved to
know of her existence and together, Justin and Brian sat Gus down to tell him.
“Does that mean I have a step-sister?” asked Gus, trying to make sense of it and Justin frowned. “I guess,” he
answered him.
“Cool,” came back the unexpected response, for in Gus’ mind, it made him more like so many of the kids at school,
whose parents were now in their second, or even third, marriage or partnership and where several of his friends had
step brothers and sisters.
“That was easier than I thought,” admitted Justin, after Gus had taken a soccer ball outside to practice his goal
shooting skills.
“Early days,” Brian pointed out to him and the younger man sighed in response. “You know how much I enjoy
being dad to Gus … I don‘t intend treating him and Soleil any differently,” assured Justin and Brian reached out to
rub the back of the younger man’s neck.
“I wanna be dad to both of them,” continued Justin.
“One day at a time,” reiterated Brian. “Let’s see how things pan out … and not worry about things until we have to,”
he urged him and Justin reached up to kiss him, reminded, and not for the first time, of why he loved him.
But then of course, there was Jennifer Taylor to inform and Justin only hoped the news that she was a grandparent
didn’t cause his mother apoplexy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Without thinking to call ahead, anxious that he tell his mom as soon as possible, Justin showed up at her home
unannounced, not that he ever had a reason to call in advance. Subsequently, he was totally shocked by the person
who opened the door of his mother’s town house to him.
“Tucker … who is it?” called Jennifer from the kitchen, to which the man’s reply of: “Justin,” brought an: “Oh!”
“Hello dear,” smiled his mother, hoping to appear as normal as possible and she came through into the hallway,
drying her hands on a towel.
Having seen several photographs and heard his mother talk of him often, it wasn‘t hard to work out who the visitor
was and the man smiled at him.
“Nice to finally get to meet you, Justin.”
“I’m Tucker,” and he held out his hand. Pausing only momentarily and recovering quickly, Justin took it.
“Um … likewise,” answered Justin, frowning and he wondered if this was the person his mother was referring to
when he’d first mentioned Thanksgiving dinner, several weeks ago.
With everything else that had been happening, though they’d continued to talk on the phone a couple of times a
week, everyone had been too busy to get together. And though this wasn’t the way Jennifer had hoped to introduce
her partner to her son, it was too late to worry about that now.
Moving away from the doorway, Tucker picked up his jacket and briefcase from a chair in the hallway and he took a
step towards Jennifer and kissed her on the cheek.
“See you after school,” he smiled at her and he made his goodbye’s to Justin on the way out.
“He’s going into class?” asked Justin, after Tucker had closed the door, leaving Justin and his mother standing in the
hallway.
“Yes,” she answered and before Jennifer was able to continue:
“Is he giving it … or taking it?” Justin asked her and Jennifer frowned. “He’s not that much younger than I am,” she
stated, somewhat put out, but she kissed his cheek all the same.
“I’m willing to bet he’s closer to my age than yours,” observed Justin as he followed her into the kitchen and
Jennifer put down the towel and reached for two coffee mugs.
“Yes, and you’re nearly thirty … you’re not exactly a kid yourself any more,” his mother sought to remind him,
affectionately.
“Don’t,” replied Justin.
“But going back to Tucker … are you saying your mother isn’t still capable of attracting the attention of … desirable
… hot men?” she asked him, now breaking into giggles as she observed Justin’s expression as he tried to take in the
fact that a guy, that even he thought was passable, could be attracted to her.
“You’re my mother,” he told her, accepting the coffee she’d poured out through her badly suppressed laughter.
“Yes,” agreed Jennifer. “But in case you haven’t noticed … I’m still a woman,” she reminded him. “And I don’t
need … or seek your approval … to have a relationship,” she continued.
Then Jennifer placed her coffee cup on the counter and reaching out, she squeezed his arm.
“I’d hoped to be able to introduce you properly.”
“At Thanksgiving dinner?” asked Justin and Jennifer nodded. “If the opportunity hadn’t presented itself before …
but yes … at Thanksgiving,” and she smiled at him.
“Be happy for me, Justin.”
“I love Tucker … he makes me feel good about myself.”
“He sees me as still an attractive … desirable woman.”
“And he loves me.”
“And the sex is great …” she grinned at him as Justin pulled a face.
“That is definitely more than I needed to know,” Justin informed her and then he paused before continuing.
“Does he treat you right?” he asked her, after a moments silence and Jennifer nodded.
“Like a Princess,” she told him, after waiting patiently for her son to think rationally. Justin frowned.
“Well ... just make sure your Prince isn’t a toad in disguise,” he told her, but putting down his own coffee mug,
Justin drew his mother in for a hug.
“You deserve to be happy … after dad,” he whispered in her ear and as they hugged, they continued to enjoy the
closeness between them.
Eventually, pulling apart and still smiling, Jennifer and Justin took their coffee through to the living room.
“There’s something I need to talk to you about,” announced Justin, as he set his mug down on the coffee table and
he reached into his coat pocket and produced an envelope. He sighed, not sure how to start. Jennifer frowned.
“What’s the matter, darling?”
“There’s nothing wrong … is there?” she asked, genuinely concerned, but Justin shook his head. Getting up from the
armchair he’d initially sat down in, he moved to sit beside Jennifer on the sofa.
“I’m just not sure how to start,” he confessed and from the envelope he selected a photograph of himself, Daphne
and Soleil, taken by the very friendly and obliging Japanese tourist.
“Who’s that with you and Daphne?” asked Jennifer and Justin took a deep breath.
“Her name is Soleil …”
“That’s a beautiful name,” smiled Jennifer and Justin nodded in agreement.
“And she’s our daughter,” he continued.
“Your … your daughter?” asked Jennifer, unable to hide her shock and reaching out, she took the photograph from
him.
“But how … when?”
“How is this possible, Justin … ignoring the obvious,” she asked him.
Justin swallowed. “Daphne wanted someone she could trust for her first time … so she asked me,” he confessed,
remembering how his ability to even have sex with a female was brought into question after he’d relayed the request
to the gang while at Woody’s one evening.
Though Brian had merely shrugged and remarked that, at the time, Justin was 18 and, therefore, even the act of
rubbing against a tree was guaranteed to produce a hard-on.
“We thought we’d taken precautions,” continued Justin, as he passed over the remaining photographs of his trip to
New York. “But obviously … they weren’t adequate … not that I now regret she was ever conceived,” he stated,
earnestly.
“But why didn’t Daphne say anything?”
“How long have you known?” asked Jennifer, still trying to take it all in. “Just a couple of weeks,” replied Justin.
“Daphne’s parents wanted her to abort the baby … or put her up for adoption.”
“In the end they agreed that her cousins in New York would bring her up with their own family.”
“Though she’s always known that Daph was her mother and she kept in constant contact.”
“But recently, Soleil started asking about her father.”
“Daphne had always meant to tell me … but when she found out she was pregnant, there was so much stuff going on
with me and Brian … and then the bashing … and Ethan,” added Justin, very much as an after thought, as that man
most certainly was now.
“I guess as time went on it got harder and harder for her to tell me … but then out of the blue … Brian ran into
Daphne and Soleil in New York … and it all came out.”
“Does John know?” asked Jennifer and Justin nodded. “He does now … and he didn’t take it too well … I hope they
sort things out.”
Jennifer looked through the photographs again and couldn’t help smiling at how obviously happy her son was in all
of them.
“It looks like you got on very well,” observed Jennifer and looking over at him, she saw her son grin from ear to ear
and he spent the next hour talking about his trip and his daughter, finishing off by saying that Daphne intended to
move Soleil to Pittsburgh soon, which would enable him to have much more contact with her and for her
grandmother too.
“I had wondered whether you and Brian might want a child of your own one day,” confessed Jennifer, but Justin
shrugged.
“We’ve sort of mentioned it … but with everything going on with Gus … and now with Soleil in the picture … to be
honest … I’m not sure where that leaves us.”
“Well … Soleil’s beautiful … and you’re obviously very happy about being a father …“
“And I forgive you,” grinned Jennifer, as they got to their feet to embrace and make their goodbyes and she grinned
even wider at her son’s confused expression.
“For making me a grandmother … with no notice to get used to the idea,” she scolded him, in explanation. Though
of course it wasn’t meant seriously and Jennifer couldn’t hold back the tears that formed in her eyes, remembering
that when Justin had come out to her, aged 17, the last thing she ever thought he would do, was make her a grandma.
So despite the shock and the huge delay in finding out about her granddaughter, the news was very welcome indeed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the end of that week, John returned from his trip to the Chicago office, having made up his mind. He wanted his
relationship with Daphne to succeed. He’d missed her. He loved her. So that would naturally include loving her
daughter too. Though to say he wasn’t jealous of Justin’s involvement would be something of an understatement,
but he kept those feelings to himself for the moment.
Naturally, Daphne was overjoyed with John’s decision and his agreement to have Soleil live with them, looking
forward once more to their now fast approaching wedding date of Christmas Eve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As promised, Justin talked to Soleil on the phone several times a week, trying to compete with all the other activities
she was involved with.
But they also emailed constantly and Justin sent her the photographs taken the weekend they’d first met and all
being well, he planned to go out to New York again, the following month. And, when he did so, this time it was
without Daphne, who had visited the previous week, agreeing that he and Soleil could have the time all to
themselves instead.
With Soleil still in a different state, the impact on Brian and Gus was reasonably minimal, at least for the time being.
But for the first time, Justin did have to miss one of Gus’ games in order to visit his daughter at the weekend.
“It’s okay … I understand,” Gus had told him, though both Brian and Justin had suspected otherwise and Justin
promised to make it up to the youngster with a special treat once the soccer season had finished.
“Hey … maybe we could go to New York with Justin next time,“ suggested Gus and both men tried not to grin at
each other.
“Handled like a true Kinney,“ Brian informed Justin, proudly, referring to his son of course, once Gus had gone off
to school.
“Wangling a trip to New York you mean?” confirmed Justin.
“Turning adversity into an advantage,” pointed out his partner and Justin chuckled.
“Chip off the old block.“
“But it’s actually a good idea … I’d like that,” he continued. “And it wouldn’t hurt to spoil Gus for once.”
“Agreed?”
“Agreed,” stated Brian.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
True to her word, Daphne had started to make enquiries into the availability of schools in the Pittsburgh area, with a
view to settling Soleil in after the Christmas break and straight after she and John returned from a short honeymoon.
But as well as telling Soleil that she’d like her to move back with her, Daphne also had to break the news that she
was engaged to John.
“I guessed,” stated Soleil, triumphantly. “But when you didn’t tell me why you’d started to wear an engagement ring
… I just thought you’d come clean in your own time,” she continued, sounding far more like 32, instead of the
almost only 12 she actually was.
And, having sat Soleil down for a heart to heart on this visit, Daphne had been thrilled when, given time to think
about it, that the youngster’s answer was that despite losing friends, she’d love to be able to have her mom full time.
Talking it over with Paula and Tony, with Soleil wanting to make sure they understood that it didn’t mean she didn’t
love them any more, she told them she’d be moving to Pittsburgh to be with her mom. But in addition of course,
Soleil knew that moving to PA, meant she’d could also be with her father.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So far, well over a month had passed without any come back following the visit by the social workers, though on
checking, it was confirmed that they’d been in touch with both Gus’ school and doctor, obviously taking the
youngster’s welfare seriously.
Justin had a mild panic attack, wondering whether he should tell them that, in fact, he also had a child of his own.
Brian had frowned and shook his head. “I wouldn’t worry … when they visited … you hadn’t even met her for the
first time … and that wasn’t your fault,” he’d told him and Justin had sighed with relief. “Then you don’t think I
should fess up?” he asked him though, for further confirmation and Brian repeated his opinion, but his appreciation
of Justin’s concern in not wanting to jeopardize their case, was heartfelt.
And when Child Welfare Services eventually reported back their findings a week later, they stated that they could
see no reason why Brian shouldn‘t remain in parental control, alongside his partner, providing Gus with, as they did
already, a loving, safe and nurturing home, which resulted in a huge sigh of relief from Brian.
Brian’s lawyer contacted Joan’s, but she was in no mood to respond quickly and, when she did, she stated that
despite any Child Welfare Services report, she still intended to pursue her case for custody even more strongly. No
modern ideology would stand in her way!
Brian shook his head in total frustration and was grateful that Gus wasn‘t around; he was running out of Piggy Bank
cash. Brian’s anger wouldn’t let him go. It would seem that even though they could very well prove their case in the
end, just the thought of having to put Gus through something so traumatic as a family court hearing, where he might
have to answer questions about the impact that his father’s sexuality had on him and his life, made Brian’s bile rise
and he was determined to try and prevent that as much as possible. But they were forced to wait to see what
happened next and exactly how far Joan was prepared to go.
And when the doorbell went again with an unexpected caller early one evening in mid November, Brian groaned out
loud in anticipation. But this time, their visitor was the last person he expected to find on the doorstep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Are you going to let me in?” she asked him.
“How the hell did you know where I live?” Brian asked his sister, as he reluctantly stood back in order to admit her.
“Mother told me,” Claire informed him as she looked around the hallway, taking in the expensive furnishings,
drapes and artwork that adorned the entrance. She’d known from the address that Brian now lived in a rather
expensive area, but even after Joan’s description, she’d been totally shocked when she’d turned into the drive in her
clunker of a car and saw just how expensive.
“You’re obviously doing well for yourself,” she continued, as she followed him into the living room, further taking
in her surroundings.
Luckily, Gus was at a birthday party, from which Brian would collect him very shortly and from his place on the
sofa where he’d been reading, Justin looked up at her in surprise. He’d never actually met Claire and had to be
introduced.
“Can we talk … in private,” asked Claire and Brian shook his head. “Whatever you’ve got to say … say it to both of
us,” Brian instructed her, as he moved towards Justin, but Claire shook her head.
“I’d rather say it in private … but if you don’t want my help in getting mother to drop her custody suit … so you
don’t have to put your son through such an ordeal …” and she turned as if to leave.
Getting to his feet, Justin tugged at Brian’s elbow. “It’s okay … it’s best you find out what she wants to talk to you
about,” he informed him. “I’ll get on with some work,” and he dropped the art magazine he’d been reading onto the
coffee table and made his way up to the studio, but he couldn’t help worrying about what Brian was going through
right now.
“Okay,” stated Brian, suspiciously, once he and Claire were alone. “Let’s hear it.”
Slipping off her jacket, Claire sat down on the sofa without being invited, while Brian remained standing.
“Even though you appear to have had a favorable report from Child Welfare Services … do you wanna take the
chance that some judge still won’t rule against you?”
“And put Gus through all that at the same time?” she asked him confidently.
Brian frowned. “How … and why … do you wanna help me?” he challenged her and Claire smiled.
“Well … as I see it … when the judge rules against you and mother does get custody of Gus …”
“IF … and it’s a very big IF … she gets custody,” Brian reminded her.
Claire smiled at him. “When mother does get custody of Gus,” she continued, ignoring Brian’s correction of her.
“She’ll no doubt come to me for help … after all … a twelve year old is hard work … and she‘s not getting any
younger.”
“Your point?” sighed Brian, suddenly feeling very weary and he sat down in the armchair opposite her.
“Looking after a child is expensive, Brian,” Claire informed him, though her brother hardly needed reminding of
that particular fact.
“Clothes … shoes … school books … plus they eat like there‘s no tomorrow …”
Brian nodded in agreement, wondering if he was beginning to see what she was aiming at. “And I … of course …
would still be expected to foot the bill.”
“Of course,” Claire agreed with him and Brian frowned and then forced a smile.
“And what would it cost me for you NOT to help out with Gus?” asked Brian, having perfectly understood her lead
in.
“How much to persuade Joan not to contest custody?” Brian asked directly.
“I’m sure we can decide a mutually acceptable figure,” stated Claire and Brian sighed. But in all honesty, he was
prepared to do almost anything to keep Joan from getting her claws into Gus and if it meant paying off his sister for
her help in getting Joan to formally withdraw her claim, it was definitely worth it.
“You get mother to state … in writing … that she accepts the best place for Gus is with me … and that she knows of
no reason why he shouldn’t be with his father … and that she’s withdrawing her challenge to my custody … I’m
sure we can agree on something,” confirmed Brian and Claire smiled at him as she stood up and put on her jacket.
“I knew you’d be reasonable,” she informed him and even though the thought of lining Claire’s pockets stuck in his
gullet, Brian accepted it was a price he was prepared to pay.
Joan, however, proved to be decidedly more stubborn than even Claire had envisaged and with Thanksgiving fast
approaching, there was no news of Joan even remotely considering dropping her case. They were back to square one
and waiting for Joan to make the first move. And Brian hated feeling that he might, in any way, be at a
disadvantage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanksgiving. A chance for the entire family, or at least those who constituted Brian and Justin’s chosen family, to
come together.
“I don’t think we have enough crystal … or china,” bemoaned Justin, a couple of days before the big event. With
everything going on, between family, work and another trip to New York, and even though the invitations had gone
out weeks ago, Justin was only now sorting out the final details.
“How many people are we inviting?” asked Brian from behind his desk at Kinnetik and Justin took a deep breath as
he counted down the page.
“Well … with Hunter now going to his girlfriend’s … but with Daph, John and Soleil now joining us … that makes
… 16 altogether,” answered Justin, having reached the bottom of the guest list. Hunter, Ben and Michael’s adopted
son, was spending the celebrations with his girlfriend’s family, much to Debbie’s annoyance, always, as she did,
wanting the entire family together on such occasions.
Brian closed his eyes and shook his head. Never in his entire life, would he ever think that his family would amount
to so many, albeit added to now with the extended family on Justin’s side. But then Brian groaned.
“I forgot … make that 18,” he told him and Justin looked up at him.
“What?”
“Who?” he asked him in dismay.
“Cynthia and her new guy are flying in … I invited them … now that Cyn’s mom has gone … she hasn’t any other
family in the Pitts.” Justin grinned at him. “When did you get to be so sentimental?” he asked him; Brian refused to
answer.
“We’re gonna have to hire another table … and more chairs … as well as everything else,” groaned Justin. “Where
are we gonna get all that at such short notice?”
“I don’t know,“ shrugged Brian. “But I know a man who does,” he continued, reaching for his cell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I knew you couldn’t do it without me,” grinned Emmett as he fondly rubbed the back of Justin‘s neck.
“I don’t want you working Em … just helping out with getting everything we need,” Justin told him as they oversaw
the completion of the large oak table being put together alongside their own in the dining room; the chairs would be
brought in once the table was assembled.
“Are you seriously telling me you’re doing the catering for 18?” Emmett asked him, raising an eyebrow. “No,”
confessed Justin. “Rosa’s doing a lot of the preparation tomorrow.”
“But Justin’s cooking … and pulling it all together on the day,” stated Brian as he put his arm around Justin’s
shoulders and he drew him in. But his slightly mocking tone was only just disguised and Justin, feigning hurt,
pushed him away.
“Yes … I am,” confirmed Justin, firmly and then he gave Emmett a gentle punch in the stomach, mildly annoyed at
this man also doubting and making fun of him.
“We’ll see,” grinned Emmett, but then Justin‘s face paled.
“Shit!“
“Linen … I forgot the extra linen!” he moaned.
“You might have, my sweet … but I didn’t,” and from a box in the truck delivering the furniture and much to
Justin‘s relief, Emmett produced enough beautiful, matching linen to cover both tables and napkins for each place
setting.
“You have my number … don’t be afraid to use it,” whispered Emmett into Justin’s ear as he gave him a hug
goodbye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With Soleil, Daphne and John agreeing to come to Thanksgiving dinner at the Kinney/Taylor household, Justin
knew more explanations would be needed. He’d been surprised when the invitation had been accepted and was
convinced it was at Soleil’s behest, as she’d stated that she wanted a chance to see Pittsburgh before moving. Not an
unreasonable request.
And once the trip was confirmed, Daphne was also hoping to use the occasion to spend some time with her parents,
taking her daughter with her. She’d also now found the confidence to tell them that at long last, their granddaughter
would be living with her, though so far, Dahpne had only received a rather frosty reception from them. They’d had
nothing to do with Soleil and were finding it difficult to accept their daughter’s defiance in bringing her back to PA.
“She’s my daughter … not yours,” announced Daphne, with uncharacteristic sternness. “If you don’t want to be part
of her life … that’s your loss … not hers,” she’d told them. But secretly, her mom had quickly come around, though
Daphne’s father was proving a more difficult challenge.
“I’ll work on him,” Mrs. Chanders had promised her daughter and Daphne kept her fingers crossed that eventually,
her parents would warm to their granddaughter.
Brian and Gus were both looking forward to meeting the youngster and Jennifer couldn’t wait to meet her
granddaughter and had already taken Justin out shopping for a new dress for her.
The gang knew Daphne, of course, and through her, John. But Justin knew he would have to let everyone else know
about Soleil or risk some awkward questions on the day. Not that Justin needed any persuasion to talk about his
daughter. The gang remembered Justin and Daphne getting together that one time, but news that a child was the
result was still initially a shock.
“Well, as her Auntie Em … I intend to spoil her rotten,” declared the man himself, as he hugged Justin; a definite
tear in the taller man’s eye and he meant it. Emmett never forgot Gus‘ birthday or presents at Christmas and Soleil
looked like she was also now going to get the benefit of Emmett‘s attentions.
“And I hope I qualify as another grandmother,” stated Debbie as she hugged Justin and everyone assured him they’d
make the event of his introducing his daughter to the rest of his family, the nicest and relaxed of occasions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rosa did an absolute sterling job, though the refrigerator positively groaned under the weight of all the prepared
food it held and Brian made sure she received a sizeable bonus and additional paid vacation time.
In the end, Justin didn’t disappoint either and everything was beautifully cooked and presented, though neither his
mother, Debbie or Emmett, could stand by and watch him doing it entirely by himself and insisted in lending a little
assistance. And eventually, Justin admitted gracefully, that he was more than grateful for it.
Brian laid the tables. On the face of it, nothing too demanding, but with the numbers involved and the different
courses, arranging the table with all the crystal ware, linen, china and appropriate cutlery, not forgetting the out of
season flower arrangements especially flown in, was itself, quite a masterpiece, of which he was especially proud.
But as Brian and Justin sat at the head of the table and warmly wished their guests happy Thanksgiving, neither of
them realized that their family was about to change, dramatically, again.
Chapter 6
During Thanksgiving dinner, Justin couldn’t help grinning, surrounded as he was by so many family. Coming out
and determined to live as an openly gay man, had resulted in his dad disowning him and Justin’s family had
threatened to disintegrate. As it was his parent’s divorce had initially left Justin blaming himself for their breakup,
but he wasn’t responsible for his father’s prejudices, Jennifer told him. If Craig couldn’t love Justin for who he was,
then that was the man’s loss and his absence cast the only shadow over an otherwise perfect occasion. To see so
many of his ‘family’ now gathered together, swelled Justin’s heart to almost bursting. Reaching out, he’d squeezed
Brian’s hand and the man glanced up, surprised by the unexpected display of affection. But it didn’t take Brian long
to figure out why Justin looked so happy and he grinned in return.
Soleil and Gus appeared to hit it off fairly well from the start, discovering a mutual love of Spiderman, though there
did seem to be a little: ‘My dad says …” With a response of: “Well, my dad can …”
Brian frowned. From the conversations he’d had with Justin, it was pretty obvious that the younger man had hoped
the two youngsters would think of themselves as family. Which was a wonderful sentiment, that Brian echoed, but
had doubts about the success of his and Soleil’s relationship, which wouldn’t be for lack of good intentions.
She was a great kid and Brian didn’t have any trouble taking to her, but as well as her natural father, Soleil had John
and also Tony, in the background, as father figures. She hardly needed another one in Brian, but he kept his fingers
crossed the kids got on; coming into conflict over them was the last thing he and Justin needed.
Cynthia was glad of the chance to get back to old haunts in Pittsburgh; it had been at least a year now since her last
trip and that was when her mother suddenly took ill and died within two days.
The New York business was growing rapidly and she wanted to talk to both Brian and Ted about the expansion
plans she had in mind. Her latest romantic conquest, Mitchell Weaver, something on Wall Street, appeared to be
pretty smitten and with Cynthia promising not to spend too much time talking shop, had been pleased to accept an
invitation to spend a few days away with her.
“Are you gonna make an honest man outta this one?” whispered Brian, after drawing her away and leaving Mitchell
talking to Daphne and John. “We’ll see,” replied Cynthia, a little mysteriously and Brian frowned and raised an
eyebrow.
Daphne’s fiancé, John was used to being in gay male company, of course, having accompanied Daphne on several
visits to this house or to the Kinnetik offices, but Cynthia’s boyfriend had initially found it a little disconcerting.
Even more so when he found himself at dinner, sitting next to the footballing hero, Drew Boyd.
“He can’t be gay,” whispered Mitchell, in disbelief into Cynthia’s ear after first being introduced to the man.
“I’ll get him to prove it to you if you want,” teased Cynthia, to which the response: “No …”
“NO … I’ll take your word for it,” and Mitchell had smiled nervously at the man, whose build, this long after he’d
retired and gone into TV sports reporting and commentary, was still pretty impressive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Mitch.”
“Come and sit with John and me,” called out Marty after dinner and everyone had broken away from the table and
moved to the living room. “There’s safety in numbers.”
Mitchell smiled, gratefully, not sure whether Debbie’s partner was joking or not. And he joined the two men on one
of the long sofas in the lounge. Marty was joking, but had seen how a little uncomfortable Mitchell had still seemed
and sought to rescue him.
“They hunt in packs … we have to stick together,” continued the older man, his voice at a volume that was meant to
be overheard and which produced a friendly swipe on his knee by Emmett.
“You should be so lucky,” Emmett told him, but in truth, Marty was now pretty relaxed and just about accepting of
anything he heard and witnessed. He’d had to be, if he was going to be continuing his long relationship with Debbie.
And over the years, his respect and fondness for members of the community and their ‘family’ had grown
enormously.
Justin had insisted they leave the table and not bother clearing things away from their last course, saying they’d do it
later, and everyone had moved through to the living room, where their hosts then brought in coffee and brandy, or
whatever else anyone wanted to drink. At a premium, a fleet of cabs had brought everyone over and were to return
later to take them home again. Brian sometimes wondered how he’d gotten away with it for so long; drinking and
under the sometimes rather more than moderate intake of chemical substances and then getting behind the wheel;
when Michael wasn‘t there to see him home of course. But no way did he want anyone‘s road accident while DUI
on his conscience.
Soleil and Gus, who had been seated together for their meal and now seemed to be more relaxed in each other’s
company, had headed for Gus’ room and his collection of Spiderman movies, leaving the grownups to more adult
topics.
It wasn’t easy, finding a topic of conversation everyone could join in with and religion and politics were definitely
banned. Justin managed to engage with Tucker, the younger man sounding him out as to the honorability of his
intentions. Tucker took it all in good stead, understanding Justin’s concern about the relationship his mother was in
and by the end of the evening, the two of them seemed to come to an understanding and acceptance of their
individual, and unique roles, in Jennifer’s life. But after all, how could Justin honestly disapprove of his mother’s
relationship with a younger man; pot calling kettle black came to mind.
Mitchell surprised himself by getting deep in conversation about whatever the latest scandal was to hit the football
fraternity with Drew and was beginning to relax more. Emmett rolled his eyes up to the ceiling; sports never were
his thing, though he quite liked the tight pants and broad shoulders displayed on the football field.
Seeing they needed more ice, Brian picked up the bucket and was about to head for the kitchen, when he looked
around him.
“Where did the girls go?” he asked whoever was standing closest to him at the time, only now realizing that
Jennifer, Debbie, Cynthia and Daphne were nowhere to be seen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I can’t help it.“
“I love fucking gay men,” stated Debbie, vehemently.
“What?” asked Cynthia in confusion and everyone chuckled. “No … I mean … I fucking love gay men,” corrected
Debbie and then she corrected herself again. “Actually … I could have been right the first time,“ and she looked
down into her glass. “Jesus … how many of these have I had?” she asked, but still held out her glass for yet another
refill.
“As I was saying …”
“I fucking love gay men,” and she grinned. “Which is just as well … considering Michael’s gay … his father’s gay
… and so was my brother, Vic … god bless him.”
“I sometimes think the whole fucking world’s queer,” she chuckled.
The ladies among Brian and Justin’s guests had taken themselves to the kitchen. They were sitting at the table and
among the debris from their dinner, but so far had resisted the temptation that mother’s, wives and girlfriends
generally fall for: clearing up. Cynthia had pulled several bottles of Champagne from the refrigerator and using
spare, hired flutes, had poured everyone out more drinks.
“Vic was quite the stud … the Brian Kinney of his day,” glowed Debbie, proudly. “And on the rare occasion I had
time off and could afford a sitter … Vic would get me into Babylon … usually through the fire exit,” she grinned,
broadly.
“You used to go to Babylon?” asked Jennifer, shocked at the older woman’s admission and Debbie nodded. “Sure.”
“Despite what you see now … I used to be quite a looker … and I loved to dance.“
“So how could I resist the temptation once in a while to get out on the dance floor … among all those beautiful …
sweaty … half-naked guys,” chuckled Debbie, reminiscing fondly.
“They didn’t mind?” asked Cynthia and Debbie shook her head. “Nah … I was Vic’s sister … they got used to me,”
she stated and Jennifer, Daphne and Cynthia exchanged glances. Debbie’s heart was generally in the right place, but
her ways did take some getting used to.
“Well … I have to admit … when Justin and Brian first got together … it took some getting used to for me,”
admitted Jennifer. “I couldn’t bear to think about what some awful lecherous older man could possibly be doing to
my little boy,” and she took a hefty slug from her glass, finishing that particular drink and holding her glass out for
another, which Cynthia duly obliged, along with again refilling everyone else’s.
“I can imagine,” chuckled Debbie.
“God … can you imagine if those two hadn’t got back together,” sighed Daphne. “It would have been criminal,”
added Debbie and Jennifer nodded. “I know I didn’t think so at the beginning … but it’s obvious how much they
love each other.”
“Justin’s feelings were pretty clear from the start,” stated Debbie. “It’s just such a darn shame Brian couldn’t tell
him how he felt sooner,” she continued and everyone nodded in agreement.
“If I’d known just how capable he was of loving Justin from the beginning … I wouldn’t have had so many
nightmares,” admitted Jennifer.
“And I would’ve told Justin how stupid it was to give up on Brian and go off with Ethan.”
“Plus Brian is so supportive ...”
“I mean, just look how much he must have spent on getting the advertising up and running for Justin’s new business
… as well as paying for the launch day,” she continued, shaking her head in grateful admiration.
“They’ve given to each other,” stated Debbie, taking another swallow of her drink. “Cos if Sunshine hadn’t come
into Brian’s life … I’m not sure he’d have learned what it’s like to really love at all.”
“Brian always loved Gus,” observed Daphne and Debbie nodded and sighed in frustration.
“Someone else Brian pretended he didn’t care about for too long … of course everyone else knew he did,” stated
Debbie.
“He could never admit he was actually capable of feeling.”
“Thank god in the end … Justin came back and Brian realized he loved him … that everything he ever really needed
was all wrapped up in that little blond package … and that he could tell him too,” she continued.
“And of course they always looked so good together,” chimed in Daphne.
“They were always hot,” she continued, grinning, and remembering her experiences of meeting Brian on several
occasions back then, the man at least once completely naked and witnessing him and Justin out on Babylon‘s dance
floor.
“You think my son’s hot?” asked Jennifer, surprised by the description and all three other women voiced their
agreement. “He’s hot!”
“So’s Brian,” admitted Cynthia. “I mean … for an older … lecherous man,” and all four women fell into more than
slightly drunken giggles.
“I might not initially have chosen Brian as a … well … a son-in-law, in all but name, I guess,” stated Jennifer. “But
I couldn’t wish for a better one … and I am so glad those two have each other now,” and she swallowed, in definite
danger of giving way to tears.
“So …” and she swallowed again and recovered herself. And straightening proudly in her seat, Jennifer held out her
glass in front of her.
“Here’s to all those hot … gorgeous … gay men … we know and love … for where would we be without them!”
“Amen to that, sister,” agreed Debbie and they all concurred and clinked their glasses in a toast and took a swallow
of their drinks.
“And not forgetting the faghags who love and support ‘em, too,” added Debbie, the women taking the opportunity
for yet another raising of glasses and another slug.
“Talking of hot men,” grinned Cynthia and she pointedly looked across the table, directly at one of her fellow
imbibers.
“On the ratio of age to youth … I would say you, Jennifer Taylor … have hit the bullseye,” declared Debbie,
referring of course to Tucker.
“What’s he like?” she continued, as direct as usual, her meaning barely disguised with the accompanying wink and
the women looked expectantly at Jennifer as they waited for her to answer.
Jennifer hesitated before setting down her glass. She then held her hands out in front of her, palms facing inwards
and continued to draw them slowly apart.
“You can’t be serious!” roared Daphne, as Jennifer’s hands drew level with her shoulders and all four women fell
into helpless laughter.
“I sincerely hope … mother-in-law, in-all-but-name … that that was the one that got away,” stated Brian from the
doorway, cuddling the empty ice bucket. Without anyone realizing he was there, he’d spent the last couple of
minutes leaning against the door frame and observing them. Jennifer blushed deeply, wondering exactly how much
Brian had heard, while all the women continued to giggle.
Brian realized how difficult it had been for Jennifer at the beginning, and in fact for all parents of gay offspring,
coming to terms with their sexuality. Though it was generally mothers who coped the best; possessing the ability to
love their kids no matter how they turned out. And Jennifer, for one, had never stopped loving and supporting her
son, something Brian reminded Justin of on more than one occasion, never having had that maternal support
himself.
Jennifer and Debbie, among this group of women, were mothers who’d accepted their sons and still retained close
and loving relationships with them, with Debbie also being more of a mother to Brian than his own.
While Daphne and even Cynthia, had been Brian and Justin’s friends and supporters when they’d needed them the
most. Daphne had been there for Justin through the turmoil of his early relationship with Brian and his breakup with
both him and Ethan and had also believed she was doing the right thing; protecting Justin from the responsibilities of
a fatherhood he hadn’t sought, by not initially telling him about Soleil.
Cynthia had given up a well-paid and secure job to come and work for Brian when he’d gone into business for
himself. And had supported him through the lean times when he struggled and sometimes hadn’t been able to afford
her salary.
Standing there, Brian had, gratefully, absorbed the affection those gathered in his kitchen so obviously felt for him
and those nearest to him. He’d enjoyed watching their camaraderie, able to admit feeling a deep fondness for the
womenfolk who had so often suffered alongside their gay loved ones and indeed appreciating every one of them and
their unconditional love and support, even though he’d never found it easy to tell them so.
But these were women whom Brian knew that he, Justin and all the other members of the Liberty Avenue gang and
some beyond, couldn’t have survived without.
“So … you having your own party?” asked Brian, unwilling to demonstrate any hint of sentimentality and he
grinned as he moved further into the kitchen.
“Women’s talk,” answered Jennifer, recovering enough to speak.
“Women’s talk huh?”
“Discussing men, no doubt,” stated Brian, knowingly. “Well … men just happen to be my favorite subject,” and he
took a vacant seat at the table, still hugging the ice bucket and he looked around the group.
“So … if we’re discussing men,” added Brian, his eyes twinkling mischievously. “Confession time.”
“Who’s had the most dicks?”
“YOU HAVE!” came the thunderous, unanimous and simultaneous chorus from all four women and Brian hung and
then shook his head, knowing he’d walked right into that one.
“That isn’t strictly true … but you’re probably right about numbers,” he admitted, grinning proudly. But deciding it
was better to withdraw before he was led into any potentially harmful admissions; admissions the women would no
doubt use against him at some point in the future, Brian retreated. But he knew their ribbing was only good natured
and it said a lot, that they felt comfortable enough to do it.
“I’ll just get the ice,” decided Brian, and he headed for the refrigerator and having swiftly refilled the bucket, began
to make his way back to the men.
“Great party, Brian,” stated Debbie, reaching out and tugging at his sleeve as he walked by. She stretched up and
instinctively Brian leaned down to allow her to kiss his cheek. He smiled and looked around the group.
“Wouldn’t have been without you,” stated Brian earnestly, and the women smiled at his words and obvious feelings
behind them and hearing them for what they actually were.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Sanctuary!” exclaimed Brian, thankfully escaping the women in the kitchen before he went to mush completely and
he closed the living room door behind him, not bothering to explain his declaration or long absence to the guys, who
looked over, initially in confusion. But then they too had realized the women were missing and nodded and grinned
in understanding.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the end, of course, the women couldn’t help themselves: The dishwasher was put on and the subsequent loads
stacked on the counter waiting. Any food worth saving was duly refrigerated in cling wrap and waste put in the trash
can. But they didn’t stop drinking or discussing men as they went about their tasks and had completely cleared the
kitchen and dining room of all the debris by the time they rejoined their partners for a final nightcap.
Cynthia tripped on the carpet during their entrance back into the living room and although she remained on her feet,
for some reason, it brought about uncontrollable giggles from her companions. Smiling, Tucker moved to take
Jennifer’s arm, just in case. To say the women were a little tipsy was an understatement.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The dinner and subsequent evening had been a huge success. The gang had all fallen in love with Soleil and almost
everyone had enjoyed the company they were in, some quite surprising even themselves that they did so. John had,
however, been a little cold towards Justin and avoided speaking to him other than when he was forced to. Justin
ignored John’s attempts at cold shouldering him, mostly because he didn’t want to make the situation more difficult
for Daphne and he didn’t want to give John any excuse to speak against him in Daphne’s ear.
It had been decided beforehand that the most sensible thing would be for Soleil to stay over instead of taking what
would no doubt have been a sleeping child out into the cold for the drive back into town, though John had initially
expressed his doubts, to be overridden by both mother and daughter. Soleil had already been shown the guest room
with its en suite facilities and later, when a rather more sober Daphne accompanied Justin upstairs to say goodnight
to the kids, they found both the youngsters fast asleep on top of Gus’ bed. Picking her up, Justin carried Soleil into
the guest room, where Daphne then undressed her and put her to bed. With Brian saying goodnight to the rest of
their guests, Justin returned to Gus’ room to put the boy into his PJ’s.
“She’ll be okay,” reassured Justin, looking in on Soleil and Daphne.
“I know … but these are different surroundings,” remarked his friend.
“I don’t want her waking up in the middle of the night not realizing where she is.”
“She’s only just visited your place for the first time,” Justin pointed out to her as from the drawer of the chest in the
guest room, he produced both parts of a baby monitor. “If she wakes up or starts moving around … I’m sure we’ll
hear her.”
“She’ll be fine,” he repeated and after setting up the monitor, he took Daphne gently by the shoulders and moved her
back downstairs, where John was waiting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With the cabs having arrived and all their guests starting to make for home, Brian helped Cynthia on with her coat.
“You’ll never be fit in the morning,” he told her.
“Just watch me,” she came back at him. “I learned from the master.” Brian grinned, it wasn’t difficult to guess who
she was referring to.
“Nine o’clock sharp … in the office,” he called after her and Cynthia raised her arm in a sort of wave as she and
Mitchell headed down the pathway to their awaiting cab. Or at least Brian thought Cynthia waved, but he couldn’t
be one hundred percent certain exactly what her gesture had been in the shadows.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin’s thirtieth birthday and Brian couldn’t stop reminding him of the fact, but they were torn on how to celebrate
it. Brian, of course, wanted to give Justin a big party, and while Justin loved the idea, unlike Brian when he reached
his own such milestone, Justin also wanted to spend the time with his immediate family. Brian smiled and nodded
his agreement. At least this way, they got two celebrations.
For the Saturday after Justin’s birthday, Brian, as only Brian could, had hired Babylon for the evening. Over forty,
or even over thirty, it got to be embarrassing being seen in such venues. But taking it over for their friends and peers,
as well of course, hired go-go boys and hot young guys who turned up on the night before a certain time, they were
looking forward to it. And of course on this occasion, Emmett was taking care of the catering.
But for their family celebration the weekend before the auspicious occasion, it was a perfect time for the trip to New
York that Gus had secured and Soleil enjoyed being their tour guide; Brian and Gus hadn‘t done this particular
activity before.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The weather had turned a lot colder and wearing gloves and a thick cashmere coat, with a scarf up around his ears,
sitting on board the tour bus wasn’t exactly Brian’s idea of fun. But the kids wanted to sit out in the open and they
could hardly do that without adult supervision.
“If you’re that cold … go downstairs,” Justin had told him from their seat behind the youngsters.
“You could warm me up instead,” Brian had grinned at him and he made a grab for Justin’s hand.
“Not here,” whispered Justin, quickly pulling away. He looked around him. The kids hadn’t heard and, thankfully,
the only other tourists were way up the back and wouldn’t have seen anything.
“And not in front of the kids.”
“Spoil sport,” came back Brian, though he’d known exactly how Justin would have reacted. Brian would have been
caught out if Justin had allowed him to go any further; the younger man knew precisely where Brian would have
wanted his hand, under normal circumstances.
But though the smile faded and Brian’s expression grew more serious, he held Justin’s gaze and taking off his glove,
slowly held out his hand for the younger man to take. Meeting Brian’s gaze, Justin removed his own glove and took
Brian’s hand, though it was soon swamped in Brian’s much larger one and they smiled at one another; their eyes
mirroring deep and undying love.
Silently, hand in hand and sitting close together in the bus seat, they watched the landmarks go by, reveling being
together and in their children’s company and returning to the city that had seen them back together again after so
many years apart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They had to come back Sunday night, albeit a little late, because of the children’s schooling the following day. But
everyone had thoroughly enjoyed themselves and Justin was practically counting down the days until Soleil moved
to Pittsburgh after the Christmas break.
Brian had made a conscious decision not to contact Cynthia at the Kinnetik New York office and both men had
agreed to turn off their cells. However, on landing back at PIT and switching their cells back on, Brian’s positively
glowed with all the unanswered messages.
A little concerned, Brian called Ted, who had, apparently, been trying unsuccessfully to relay messages to him on
behalf of a third party. But thankfully, there wasn’t anything wrong with the business or any of those nearest and
hoping for good news, Brian responded.
“I’ve been trying to reach you all day,” stated Claire, obviously angry at not being able to contact him directly.
Luckily, she’d remembered the name of Brian’s company and Ted, ringing in to check on messages, had picked up
her calls.
“Why? What’s so important?” asked Brian, hoping to hear something positive about Joan dropping her case for
custody. Without any news on that score for so many weeks, he’d hoped his mother had decided against it after all,
but the tone of his sister’s voice now made Brian think something was very wrong.
“Mom’s in the hospital,” stated Claire and Brian shook his head. “Nothing trivial I hope,” he answered her and he
saw Justin’s worried expression at hearing the sarcasm in Brian‘s tone.
They’d picked Brian’s car up at the airport and with Brian taking calls, Justin elected to drive. Gus, strapped in the
back, had already fallen asleep.
“Brian, be serious,” scolded Claire.
“I was,” came back Brian and Claire sighed with frustration.
“For your information … they think she‘s had a heart attack.”
“I need you here, Brian.”
“You have to be joking.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You’re my brother … and I need you.”
Brian closed his eyes and sighed deeply, hearing the desperation in Claire‘s voice.
“What’s wrong?” asked Justin, growing ever more concerned.
“Mom’s had a heart attack … she’s in the hospital,” answered Brian, flatly.
“Which hospital? We can go there now,” continued Justin and he saw Brian hesitate and could just make out
Claire’s voice on Brian’s cell, trying to get her brother to respond.
“Brian?”
“BRIAN!”
“For God’s sake, talk to me!”
“You might not think so now … but you’ll hate yourself if you don’t go,” Justin told him and he heard Brian sigh.
“I’m here,” answered Brian, finally, into his cell. “Which hospital?”
“Allegheny,” Claire informed him and Brian hesitated. “I’ll be there as soon as I can,” he eventually answered her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reaching the parking bay outside the hospital’s main entrance, Brian put his hand on Justin’s arm.
“Take Gus home … he’s got school tomorrow,” Brian told him.
“I could take him to mom’s or Debbie’s … then I could come back,” answered Justin, but his partner shook his
head.
“There’s no need … I probably won’t be here that long … I’ll catch up with you later.”
“Are you sure?” asked Justin and Brian nodded and leaning together, the men quickly kissed and Brian stepped out
of the car.
“Call me,” instructed Justin as Brian moved away and putting the car into gear, Justin made for home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having ascertained his mother’s whereabouts, Brian discovered his sister in rather an agitated state and pacing the
corridor.
“Why won’t they tell me anything?” she moaned loudly and sighing, Brian searched in his pocket for change for the
coffee machine.
“Want one?” he asked his sister, who ignored him. “I’ve been here for hours … and they still can’t tell me
anything!” and she took the unasked for coffee absently from Brian, who sat down on one of the hard chairs beside
her.
Brian hated hospitals. Waiting in corridors brought back so many terrible memories of the night that he and Justin,
thankfully, no longer needed to talk about.
Once and for all, they’d managed to put the bashing aside. Brian accepting Justin’s insistence that the older man
wasn’t to blame. But it didn’t take much for it all to start flooding back and this hospital and its corridors was one of
the triggers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“They’re still carrying out tests,” Brian informed Justin, via a hospital pay phone around 6:00am.
“Claire’s practically climbing the walls.”
“But you stayed,” observed Justin and Brian shrugged to himself but didn’t answer.
Two hours before, they’d finally been allowed in to see her. Brian had been reluctant, but Claire had clung to him so
tightly, he didn’t really have a choice, as it appeared he was keeping her upright.
Joan was asleep and suddenly looked very old. She was seventy, he realized, but looked much older and so frail,
wired up to all the machinery, which flashed and beeped alarmingly. They’d stayed for ten minutes before Brian
finally had to leave Claire to her own devices and go out into the corridor for air.
There were times when Brian had positively detested his mother. He couldn’t understand why she’d never stood up
to Jack. Why she seemed willing to spend more time in church than she did looking after her own children. And why
she’d turned her back on her only son for being homosexual. Not to mention threatening to try and take Gus away
from him. But suddenly, none of that seemed to matter so much as he watched his mother lying in her hospital bed
and not knowing if she were about to die.
Brian had regretted never really coming to any understanding with Jack. After his unhappy and damaging childhood,
becoming and adult while gaining emotional and physical strength and maturity, Brian had learned to stand up to the
man, who had never then attempted to lay a hand on him again. He’d even visited the loft a couple of times, and had
once brought with him, a photograph of himself holding Brian as a baby. Brian had wondered whether that had been
some sort of token gesture of reconciliation, not that he‘d ever really felt close to Jack. Knowing your father wanted
you aborted kind of has that effect on a relationship. And subsequently, they’d never been able to say the words that
would have connected them and that scenario now seemed to be about to be repeated with Joan.
“Will you tell Gus I love him … and then ring the office later and let them know I won’t be in for a while?” asked
Brian.
“Sure,” agreed Justin. “And then I’ll come in …”
“No, it’s okay,” cut in Brian. “There’s no point in both of us being here.”
“But I wanna be there for you,” Justin told him. “I know,” whispered Brian in response. “But I’ll be okay.”
“Okay,” sighed Justin. “But call me … if you need me … promise?”
“Scout’s honor,” promised Brian.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I can’t stand any more of this waiting around,” exclaimed Claire, around 8:00am. She was getting more exhausted
and subsequently had calmed down a lot. The doctor had said they didn’t think Mrs. Kinney was now in any
immediate danger and if they wanted, they could go home.
“I’d like to go back to mom’s and get some of her things,” stated Claire, having been told at last that Joan would be
in the hospital, at the very least, for four or five days.
“Will you come with me?”
“You don’t need me,” declared Brian, but his sister reached out and took his hand; the first act of affection that
Brian could remember between them since they were kids.
“We used to need each other a lot … remember?” asked Claire, quietly. Hiding in their bedrooms or in the cupboard
under the stairs was another favorite place. Hiding from Jack’s cruelty and his drunken temper. Brian did indeed
remember, back then, feeling responsibility for his sister and he sighed and then nodded.
“Okay,” he answered after a long pause and Claire smiled at him. “Thank you.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Claire had left her car in the hospital parking lot and with her driving, Brian sat silently in the passenger seat,
completely unaware of their journey.
He hadn’t been to the house since his last conversation with Joan and thinking back, he thought he remembered
seeing her clutching at her chest then. Was she sick back then, wondered Brian, and hadn’t told anyone? That would
just be so typical of St. Joan the Martyr.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Can you get this case down for me Brian?” called Claire from their mother’s bedroom. Brian had elected to stay
downstairs while Claire sorted out medication, toiletries and nightwear.
“How much are you taking?” asked Brian, climbing the stairs. “Not much,” answered his sister. “And her vanity
case is on the top shelf of the closet.”
Locating the necessary item, Brian reached for the case and placed it on Joan’s bed, alongside everything Claire had
gathered together and he waited while she placed them inside. Shutting it and picking it up, it wasn’t heavy and she
politely refused to accept Brian’s offer to carry it for her.
“I just need to sort through the rest of mother’s medication,” stated Claire, as they started down the stairs.
“I thought you were doing the bathroom first,” answered Brian and Claire nodded. “I did.“
“But I bet any medication she takes regularly is downstairs in the kitchen cupboard … where it’s close to hand.”
And then reaching the foot of the stairs, Claire groaned.
“There’s one thing I have forgotten.”
“What?”
“Her bible … she’s bound to want it.”
“Will you go back and get it while I look for her medicine?” asked Claire. Brian hesitated, but then nodded and
retracing his steps, he went back to his mother’s bedroom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Brian … how long does it take to collect a bible?” called Claire from the bottom step. She’d searched the
cupboards and, as suspected, found two bottles of tablets alongside the drinking tumblers. But that was several
minutes ago and Brian hadn’t re-appeared.
“I’m coming,” answered her brother and he covered the stairs in a matter of seconds, handing Claire the book he’d
been looking for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Returning to the hospital, the doctor was finally able to tell them that Joan had indeed suffered a mild heart attack
and that she was still sleeping and they didn’t want her disturbed for a while. Quietly, Claire unpacked their
mother’s things and placed the bible on the nightstand, within easy reach for when Joan awoke. With Joan sleeping
peacefully, Claire and Brian decided there was no real need to stay and that they both needed some sleep and Claire
said she would come back later that day. She also said she hoped Brian would be returning too. Brian shrugged, but
said nothing.
Kissing her mother’s forehead before they left, Claire offered to run Brian home. He refused. “I’ll call a cab,” he
told her.
In the end, he didn’t have to. He really needed to hear Justin’s voice right about then and alerted to the welldisguised distress in Brian’s tone, Justin told him to stay put and he’d collect him.
“Is that an order?“ asked Brian and Justin nodded. “You bet it is.“
“I love it when you’re so masterful,“ returned Brian, with a pathetic attempt at humor. But he was never more
grateful to see the younger man than when he saw him driving into the loading bay out side the main entrance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two days after Joan’s hospitalization and Brian had refused to visit her again. Claire had asked him to of course, but
with their mother’s condition not felt to be life-threatening, Brian asked after her wellbeing, but stated he had no
intention of visiting her further, even though she was now expected to be hospitalized for at least a week while she
recuperated and underwent an assessment.
“What’s wrong?” asked Justin, after dinner and when Gus wasn‘t around. Brian had barely eaten. In fact he’d hardly
eaten in the last few days and this evening, Justin had caught him absentmindedly staring down at his plate.
“Nothing,” came the rather unconvincing answer. “Are you worried about Joan?” asked Justin, but Brian shook his
head. “She’ll be okay.”
“She’s as tough as old boots,” he told him, but Justin frowned. Brian’s whole demeanor had changed the last few
days. Gone was the quick wit and acid edge and even their love-making had seemed automatic and perfunctory,
which certainly couldn’t ever have been said about their sex life before.
Reaching out, Justin covered Brian’s hand with his own. “I know you still find sharing hard … but you can’t fool me
… I know something’s wrong,” and he squeezed Brian’s hand.
“As soon as you’re ready to talk … I’ll be ready to listen,” he told him and getting to his feet, Justin leaned across to
kiss Brian’s temple and Brian felt the lump rise in his throat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin went off to bed around 11:00pm., leaving Brian in the living room, nursing a drink, something he’d done
more of these last few days, much to Justin’s consternation and dread that for some unknown reason, the man was
returning to an old habit.
It still hurt that Brian couldn’t share with Justin what was troubling him. But the younger man knew there was no
way he was going to bully Brian into revealing what the problem was, even if he tried. Not that bullying was ever in
Justin’s nature, though he could be stern with Brian when necessary; something that Brian had always admired in
him. But this wasn’t one of these occasions, and even though it was so frustrating and painful, Justin knew he would
just have to wait.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the subdued lighting and quietness of the living room, with Gus and Justin upstairs and asleep, Brian went over to
the bureau that sat in the corner and unlocked the bottom drawer. He removed the two letters that had fallen from his
mother’s bible and read them yet again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The day of Justin’s birthday arrived. Gus had bought him a book on the Dutch Masters, with which the man was
overjoyed. Brian had, of course, already given him so much, from the launch of Taylor-Made Designs to the TV
slots and trade magazine publicity as well as treating them to the trip to New York and arrangements for the party,
but he hadn’t bought him a gift.
“I will get you something special,” Brian told him and Justin smiled and shook his head. “It’s okay … you’ve had a
lot on your mind.”
“Besides … I’m really not expecting anything else … you’ve done so much already,” and he paused.
“Are you sure you want to go ahead with this party?” asked Justin. “It isn’t too late to cancel if you don’t feel like
it.”
“No … of course not,” answered Brian and he managed a smile. “It’s not every day you turn thirty … you should
celebrate it.”
“We should celebrate it,” he continued. In fact, the chance of going to Babylon and getting smashed was quite
appealing at this moment. But Brian shook his head, trying to literally shake off the confusion and feeling of
uncertainty and detachment that threatened to overtake him completely.
Without a word, Justin got to his feet and moved around the table towards him, and automatically, Brian stood to
meet him. Reaching up, the younger man put his arms around Brian’s neck and drew him down, looking deep into
Brian’s eyes and trying to work out what the hell was going on inside that mind of his. A mind that he apparently,
sometimes still, didn’t understand the workings of.
“I love you,” Justin told him, as he had done on countless occasions and once more fearing that he needed to
reinforce the fact. Brian swallowed. “I love you too,” he managed just to whisper in return, before pulling Justin into
his chest and holding onto him as if his very life depended on it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saturday and the night of the party finally arrived. Brian had, seemingly, made a remarkable recovery and was now
in top form. Or at least that’s how he wanted to appear and he hoped Justin couldn’t see straight through him.
However, Justin knew him as much as Brian thought he did and the older man’s attempt at normality didn’t fool
him.
Taking over Babylon brought back so many memories. Mostly good, but a few not so good ones too. Doing his
utmost not to allow himself to get totally wasted, Brian tried to pace himself and drank slowly.
But he did allow himself to be taken out onto the dance floor. If asked, Brian would of course say that Justin
dragged him there, though in truth, he was more than willing to comply and managed to lose himself once more in
that gay Thumpa Thumpa that had once been the soundtrack to their lives and their growing up. And during the slow
dances, Brian and Justin clung to each other and necked like old times. Brian allowing himself to forget everything
else as he held the man who loved him and whom he loved in his arms.
Both Justin and Brian would later admit that having the gang together, including most of the guests they’d had with
them at Thanksgiving, had been a brilliant idea. And with the DJ instructed to play the music they remembered so
well, strains of “Let’s Hear It For The Boy,” “The Only Way Is Up,” “Dancing Queen,” “Forever Young” and
“Proud,” among so many others, filtered out into the street, way into the early hours.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was nearly 4:00am. before Brian and Justin finally arrived back home and made their way up to the bedroom:
almost like old times, Justin told him as he kissed Brian at the foot of the stairs. It had been arranged for Gus to
spend Friday night through Saturday and into Sunday with a friend. Any threat from Joan was surely no longer
serious, and Brian was happy for the youngster to be away from them for the two nights.
“It was a great party … thank you,” declared Justin and Brian managed a tired smile. Justin studied his partner and
sighed. Despite Brian’s eagerness to ensure that Justin had the best time ever, the younger man knew that Brian had
really only put on a brave face on his account, as he continued to go through some sort of private hell.
Brian couldn’t ignore Justin’s obvious concern and the hurt that was so evident in those beautiful blue eyes. The last
thing Brian wanted to do was hurt him, but it seemed that he was achieving this simply by omission, as he continued
to keep his pain to himself and exclude the one man who usually understood him so well and accepted who he was.
But seeing that pain matched with confusion in those eyes, Brian sighed and looked away, fighting within himself as
he sought the courage to open up.
Finding that courage in Justin’s love, the younger man watched as he saw Brian hesitate at first; recognizing so well
how the man wanted to tell him something but couldn’t find the words. A trait that even now, given Justin
sometimes found it so frustrating, but had long ago realized that this was part of the make up that made Brian the
man he was; the man he loved. But that didn’t stop it from hurting.
Brian knew Justin was watching him and knew how concerned the younger man had been this last week. Concerned
Brian hadn’t revisited his mother and also worried about the man’s wellbeing in general. Brian knew Justin deserved
to know the truth and that he would want to help in any way he could, but he hadn’t wanted to spoil his birthday.
“Whatever it is, Brian,” whispered Justin, as he moved closer to the man and Brian nodded and swallowed. “We’ll
talk about it in the morning,” Brian answered him. “What’s wrong with now?” ventured Justin, seeking any chink in
Brian’s armor and ignoring both his and the older man’s tiredness.
Looking at him, Justin’s love shining from those tired eyes that bore into him, Brian knew he couldn’t do this now
without him. He didn’t want to do it without Justin. He’d come too far now to retreat back into that self-made prison
cell he’d once constructed around his heart. Justin’s unconditional love and support meant everything and now he
was able to demonstrate that fact by showing him just how much he trusted him with that fragile organ.
Brian swallowed and reaching out, he cupped Justin’s cheek with his hand and then he nodded.
“There’s something I’d like to show you,” stated the older man eventually and Justin watched as he disappeared
from the bedroom and made his way downstairs. Brian returned quickly, and he handed Justin two letters.
“What are these?” asked Justin in confusion. Although he was tired, he’d instinctively felt that with very little
persuasion, Brian was finally about to open up and he didn’t want to deny him. As it happened, Justin certainly
wasn’t wrong. And any occasion in which Brian revealed how he felt to him, Justin treasured and revered, knowing
how difficult it could still be for the man.
Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Justin looked at the letters. “Where did you get these?“
“These are Joan’s … this one’s addressed to her,” he continued and Justin looked up at Brian who had remained
standing.
“When Claire and I collected Joan’s things for the hospital … they were inside her bible.”
“They fell out when I picked it up.”
“Did you read them?” asked Justin in surprise and Brian nodded.
“But these are private,” stated Justin, still wondering why Brian had seen fit to read his mother’s personal letters.
But seeing them fall from between the pages of the woman’s bible when he’d picked it up from the nightstand, Brian
couldn’t help wondering what was so precious as to be kept there and when he’d seen both the senders addresses
and intended recipients, he couldn’t stop himself from reading them. Subsequently, part of him wished he never had.
“Once you’ve read them … that fact won’t seem so important,” Brian told him and Justin nodded, indicating his
trust in the man‘s judgment.
“Okay … which one first?”
“That one,” answered Brian, indicating the letter in Justin’s left hand, the one addressed to Joan. Justin placed the
other letter on the bed beside him and taking a deep breath, reached inside the envelope of the first letter and brought
out two sheets of paper. The writing was a little faded and the paper well thumbed, as if read over and over again.
He studied the handwriting. It was scrawly and written by someone who probably wasn’t terribly well educated and
he could just make out some of the words.
“Read it out loud,” instructed Brian, hoping that hearing the words from someone else, he might actually begin to
make more sense of it. Justin cleared his throat.
““My darling Joan,” read Justin and then he hesitated and looked up at Brian. “Go on,” the older man told him. And
after a short pause and hesitating occasionally between words as he tried to decipher them, Justin continued:
““My darling Joan,”
“I tried writing this letter so many times. There’s so much I wish I could have told you when we were … together.
But you know me. Words never did come that easy, at least telling you face to face anyways about how I feel.
It’s only been a week and already I miss you so much. The guys I’m with are always … bragging about their wives
and girlfriends and don’t understand why I don’t. I guess I just feel that what we have is so … special, I don’t want
to share it with anyone else.
Do you remember the photograph I took when we went on that picnic? It’s the only one I have of you and each night
before I go to sleep, I look at it and make believe you’re here with me and that I’d wake up next to you in the
morning.
Joan, I love you so much. There, I said it. I just wish now I could have told you. But I think you already knew it
anyhow. At least I hope you did.
I hate that I had to leave you so suddenly, but this job was too … important to turn down and I couldn’t risk losing
it. But I want more than anything for us to be together.
The team will be here until early October and then there maybe a chance of moving on up into Canada. That would
be a new start. And when I get … settled, I’ll send for you. I’ll be on the road most of the time, but whenever I can,
I’ll call you. I’m hoping with all my heart that you’ll come to me.
I want you with me, Joan. I love you and know I could love Claire like she was my own and I can’t stand the
thought of you staying with Jack. From what you told me, he doesn’t … deserve you.
I’ll send for you as soon as I can.
All my love.
P”
“Who’s P?” asked Justin quietly, and he looked more closely at the envelope while still trying to take in the letter’s
meaning.
The letter was dated August 28th and postmarked September 4th, 1970. The few days between writing and mailing
presumably because the sender couldn’t easily get to a post office. But Justin could just make out the name of
Patrick Kinney and what looked like an address in Amarillo.
“Who‘s Patrick Kinney … and why would he be in Amarillo?” asked Justin.
“My guess is that he probably went to work for one of the gas or oil companies.”
“There were a lot of them operating in that area around that time,” stated Brian, and now sitting down beside Justin,
Brian reached out and took the letter and envelope from him.
“And Patrick is Jack’s younger brother.”
“Your uncle?” asked Justin.
Without answering him, Brian reached for the second letter which he handed to him. On the envelope was a faded
US Mail stamp.
“Return to Sender?” queried Justin, looking at it properly now and Brian nodded. “Seem’s like Joan’s reply couldn’t
find him.” They couldn’t tell how long Patrick’s letter had taken to actually reach Joan, but her reply was
postmarked September 20th, 1970.
“Have you read it?” asked Justin and the man nodded. “Though I had to open it first,” he confessed. Having read
Patrick’s letter, Brian agonized over opening his mother’s reply. But in the end, he couldn’t let it go and had to
know what it said. Joan of course hadn’t needed to, when the unopened letter had been returned to her; she knew
exactly what it contained.
“Are you sure we should be doing this?” asked Justin again, but Brian nodded. Slowly, Justin removed the letter
from the envelope. The handwriting was neat and precise and easy to read.
“Darling Patrick,”
“You’ll never know the joy your letter brought to me. You didn’t have to tell me how much you loved me. Every
time you touched me or kissed me, I knew.
I miss you too, my dearest. The days since you’ve been gone have been so lonely, but the nights are worse and seem
endless now that you are no longer here. The weeks we spent together were the happiest of my life and I was
beginning to dread the future.
I love you, Patrick and my heart feels empty without you.
I’ve heard today that Jack’s unit will return home next week. This is much earlier than expected. They hadn‘t been
due home until December, but there‘s been an early withdrawal. But I’ve made my decision, and even though it goes
against all the teachings I’ve always believed in, I will leave him. I want to be with you so much.
Jack was never really meant to be a married man. His attitude towards both me and Claire is indication enough. He
totally ignores our daughter and I know he’s continued to have affairs since we were married.
But there is another reason why I can’t stay with him. Yes, my darling. I also found out that I’m pregnant. I was so
shocked at first as I thought we’d been so careful. But when I think of the child we shall now share, I couldn’t be
happier.
I tried calling the company you said you were going to work for to share the news with you, but they said they had
no record of you, which is obviously a mistake. So I was so relieved to get your letter, as I‘d begun to worry about
what I was going to do when Jack came home. But now I don’t have to worry.
I hope my reply reaches you before you move on to Canada, because I want to join you as quickly as possible and as
soon as I get word from you, I will be ready to leave. I have a little money of my own, enough to pay for mine and
Claire’s train fare at least.
Take care my darling and I pray that we will be together again very soon.
All my love.
Joan”
Silently, Justin returned the letter to the envelope.
“I guess it must have missed him. Didn’t they have phones?” asked Justin eventually, but Brian shrugged. “They
wouldn’t have had cells,” he answered him. “And it sounds like Patrick thought he was gonna be moving around.”
“Communication wouldn’t have been easy … at least not as easy as it is now.”
“So what do you think happened?” asked Justin and Brian took a deep breath.
“My guess is he’d moved on … subsequent letters could have been lost … that one was returned … and both of
them eventually thought the other one didn’t care any more.”
Justin nodded. Everything was now beginning to fall into place; the reason why Brian had seemed so distant and
quiet in recent days.
“Joan only mentions Claire by name,” Justin pointed out to him. “But she talks about being pregnant.”
“And her letter to Patrick’s dated September 1970.“
Brian nodded in response and reaching out, Justin took his hand. Having read the letters, both men had now come to
exactly the same conclusion.
“At least I won’t have to change the initials on my luggage,” quipped Brian, his brief smile quickly fading. His
forced humor a vain attempt to conceal his true feelings. And the confusion and hurt etched in his face cut through
Justin like a knife; seeing the man he loved in so much pain.
“I don’t know who I am any more,” stated Brian, his voice barely a whisper, but his tone held an unmistakable edge
of hurt and disappointment at all the lies he’d been fed over the years.
Brian may still be a Kinney, but now it would seem he was Patrick Kinney’s son, and not Jack’s.
Chapter 7
“This is incredible.”
“I’m finding it hard to take it all in,” declared Justin, totally astounded by what they appeared to have uncovered.
“So Christ knows what all this is doing to you.”
“It must be tearing you apart.”
“Well, it certainly doesn’t sound like the Joan we all know,” admitted Brian, somewhat bitterly and neatly avoiding
confirming Justin‘s observations.
“When I think … that sanctimonious bitch … who could virtually recite the bible backwards … and all the time she
…”
Brian’s voice trailed off as the hatred for his mother threatened to resurface. Letting out a deep sigh, he momentarily
closed his eyes and shook his head.
“How could she be so fucking two faced?” asked Brian, finally.
“But for a woman like Joan to have an affair … and with her husband’s brother … that can’t have been easy for
her,” stated Justin, forever the voice of reason.
“I mean it really sounds as if she loved Patrick,” he continued, looking for any scrap of comfort he could find for
Brian as he searched the man’s face, but Brian made no comment.
“So … Patrick’s your father?” suggested Justin, after a moment and asking out loud the question they both already
knew the answer to, but were struggling to get their heads around.
Brian shrugged. “Well … you do the math.”
“Besides, I don’t think Joan’s letter leaves any doubt about it”.
“No wonder you’ve been acting so distant all week … with all this on your mind,” and reaching across, Justin
placed his hand on Brian’s knee. “I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been going through.“
“You should have told me sooner.“
Brian nodded. “I know … but what with your birthday and …”
“It doesn’t matter about my birthday,” Justin quickly came back at him. “You still should have told me,” he
emphasized and Brian nodded in agreement.
“But what made you read the letters in the first place?” asked Justin, still curious to know.
“When I picked up the bible, I didn’t realize they were inside … they fell on the floor,” answered Brian.
“It seemed such an odd place to keep letters and as soon as I picked them up, I knew they had to contain something
important.”
“Mom wouldn’t have kept them inside her bible if they didn’t.”
“And I know I shouldn’t have read them.”
“But seeing the name Patrick Kinney on the envelope and the letter addressed only to Joan … and the fact that Joan
had obviously tried to reply but failed … I guess my curiosity just got the better of me.”
“Did you know him?” asked Justin and Brian shook his head.
“As a kid I remember hearing my grandmother talk about him occasionally … but I don’t ever remember mom and
dad …” and he paused to catch himself.
“I don’t ever remember mom and Jack talking about him … and I sure as hell don’t ever remember meeting him.”
“But I did get the impression he was a lot younger than Jack,” and Brian frowned as he sought to regain childhood
memories.
“There was a sister … Mary … she was born after Jack and before Patrick … but she died in infancy.”
“I think there was quite an age difference between the brothers … ten years maybe.”
“So do you think Jack knew about Joan and Patrick?” asked Justin and Brian shrugged.
“I don‘t know.”
“I guess that depends on what sort of line Joan managed to come up with … once she couldn’t get ahold of Patrick,”
answered Brian and he sighed loudly and ran his fingers through his hair. By now, he was feeling totally spent and
he looked at his watch. It was almost 5:00am.
Taking his cue, Justin reached out and rubbed Brian’s shoulder. “It’s late … you’re exhausted … we both are.”
“Why don’t we get some sleep and talk about this again later?”
Brian closed his eyes and only just had the strength to nod his agreement. Barely able to lift his arms, he slowly
pulled his shirt off over his head and toed off his shoes before removing the rest of his clothing.
It would be dawn before too long and going over to the windows, Justin closed the heavy drapes to shut out the
invading light before undressing and switching off the lamps.
Returning to the bed, he pulled back the covers, allowing Brian to merely roll over before covering him with the
duvet: Brian was practically asleep before his head hit the pillow.
Climbing into bed beside Brian, his own eyes were heavy with sleep, Justin paused for a moment to watch and listen
to his partner; making sure Brian was okay before settling down beside him, and wondering why it was that Brian’s
unhappy childhood still played such a huge part in who the man was.
Joan’s deceit had astounded Justin, leaving him reeling from the shock of their discovery, but he knew that could
only be a fraction of the emotions Brian had to be going through right now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Without Gus tearing around the house, wanting to spend as much time at the weekend as he could with his two dads,
Brian slept soundly until almost 1:00pm. Justin had woken a little earlier and had showered and dressed, trying his
utmost not to disturb him.
For Brian, the act of sharing his agony had been a huge weight off his shoulders, even if he wasn’t used to admitting
that fact. Consequently, he’d slept peacefully for the first time in almost a week. But strangely, that didn’t make him
feel any less tired when waking. The fact that the man he’d always thought of as his father transpired to be no more
than merely the man married to his mother, together with everything such a discovery implied, remained and would
take some coming to terms with.
“It’s strange Joan hasn’t noticed her letters were missing,” stated Justin as he poured them both coffee at the kitchen
table. Neither of them felt like eating, but strong coffee was definitely required and after airing his question, Justin
saw Brian look away.
“What?”
“Claire’s called me a couple of times … saying mom was asking after me,” admitted Brian as he picked up his cup.
“Then she must be aware you know about the letters?” suggested Justin, but Brian merely shrugged. “She may think
I just left them behind,” he answered him.
“Then … are you going to talk to her about them?” asked Justin.
Bringing the cup to his lips, Brian hesitated and then again shrugged. “If she doesn‘t say anything … how the hell
can I?”
“She’s still in the damn hospital getting over a heart attack.”
“How good is that gonna look … if I start grilling a sick, old woman about an affair that took place over forty years
ago?” and he took a sip of the hot liquid.
“I’ll just have to leave it for a while … or at least until she gets out of hospital and back on her feet again.”
“True,” agreed Justin. “But there is something you could do in the meantime,” he told him. Frowning at the younger
man’s meaning, Brian looked over at him and then slowly realizing, he shook his head.
“No way.”
“Why the hell not?” asked Justin in surprise.
“Don’t you wanna find out what Patrick’s doing or where he is?”
“Or even whether he’s still alive?”
“Why?” cut in Brian, getting up and taking his coffee to the window overlooking the garden.
“Because he’s your father,” pointed out Justin, but Brian shook his head again.
“Just because you’re hung up about your father doesn’t mean to say I am too …”
Brian closed his eyes. “I’m sorry … that wasn’t called for.”
“No, it wasn‘t,” asserted Justin and getting to his feet, he crossed the floor towards him.
“And for your information … I’m not hung up about my father.”
“I admit … I’d rather have him as part of my life … but it’s his choice to absent himself … not mine.”
“And I’m damned if I’ll feel guilty about it.”
“Nor should you,” agreed Brian and putting down his cup, he reached out and put his arm around Justin’s shoulders
and drew him in; a move that Justin knew to be in recognition of the unintentionally, hurtful words the man had
spoken in haste.
“But you could have a chance to get to know your father … your real father … and for him to get to know you,”
stated Justin, his hand on Brian’s chest and looking up into his face.
“You think?” asked Brian. “Why not?” repeated the younger man. Brian shook his head and moved away.
“For a start … I’ve done just fine without a father … any father … in my life for a long time …” he told him.
“Besides … what man is gonna welcome a bastard son turning up after all this time … and a queer one at that?”
asked Brian.
“You could give him the benefit of the doubt,” pointed out Justin, but stubbornly, Brian had made up his mind.
“Gus will be home soon … he’s not to know anything of this.”
“Agreed?” asked Brian.
Justin nodded his head in affirmation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In actual fact, as it turned out, Joan Kinney was deemed fit to be discharged from hospital the very next day, as long
as there was someone there to care for her. Despite Joan’s insistence to return to her own home, her daughter would
only agree to care for her if she returned to Claire’s instead. Claire certainly didn’t relish the thought of becoming
her mother’s caregiver, even if only for a short time. But if that was the case, she wanted to be in her own home, not
Joan’s.
But then again, she realized, there could be some compensation to having Joan move in with her. After all, if the
arrangement was to become permanent, Joan did own her home, which would of course have to be sold to pay for
her keep and medical care.
“Well, you certainly made yourself scarce,” moaned Claire, as she opened the door to her brother, a few days later.
“You know mother has been asking for you.”
Claire had called Brian to tell him their mother was being discharged from the hospital and repeated Joan’s request
that she see him; a request that had so far fallen on deaf ears. Brian had asked after her, but while she was in the
hospital, still refused to visit and then decided to leave it for a day or two, once informed she was due to be
discharged. So considering he hadn’t been to see his mother since that first time, Claire was actually truly surprised
to find Brian showing any concern at all.
“How is she?” asked Brian, as Claire closed the front door behind him. “Giving her orders as usual … she’s running
me ragged if you must know.”
“I didn’t think it would take long for her to get back to normal,” snorted Brian.
After establishing with Claire that their mother was on the way to recovering well, Brian knew he had to visit.
Despite his earlier apparent disinterest, the questions he sought answers to were driving him insane and the fact that
Joan continued to ask after him, seemed to be an indication that she wanted to see him about something specifically
too. It didn’t take much to work out what that could be. He only hoped her health was up to it. Considering her still
open threat to try and remove Gus, driving her to another heart attack could seem a little suspicious.
Opening the hall closet, Claire reached in for her coat. “While you’re here … I’m going to the store … I haven’t had
a chance … and I could do with a break,” she told him quietly, so her voice couldn’t reach Joan. Brian nodded. The
fact that Claire needed some space away from their mother was hardly a surprise.
“She’s in the living room,” Claire informed him, and having put on her coat, she picked up her car keys from the
hall table and without a further word, she let herself out.
“Is that you, Brian?” Joan’s voice reached him out in the hallway. There didn’t seem to be any lack of strength there
and Brian hesitated, momentarily closed his eyes and rolled his lips into his mouth as he considered what he was
going to say to her. He’d tried to use work the past few days, to keep his mind off what he was going to say to his
mother and had even asked himself what the hell did it matter who his father was anyway?
Brian used to think, and declare loudly to anyone who would listen, that he didn’t need anyone; that the ‘only one
you ever need is yourself.’ But that was, of course, before he could admit that there was someone he loved and
needed and now maybe it did matter, after all, who his father was.
Taking a deep breath, Brian moved down the hall and pushed back the partly opened door to the living room and
stepped in. He thought he’d seen the drapes move as he pulled up on the drive; his mother had obviously seen that
he’d arrived. Joan was sitting in one of the big armchairs Claire owned with a wrap around her shoulders. She still
looked a little tired and slightly less robust than normal, but her color had returned and the drained look she had at
the hospital had receded and really, she appeared none too worse for her ordeal.
“I wondered when you’d get here,” his mother told him, curtly. She seemed calm and controlled enough, but on
closer inspection, Brian couldn’t help noticing the way she continually fingered her wedding ring.
“Well, I’m here now,” came Brian’s retort as he began to move further into the room and then he noticed his
mother‘s bible on the table beside her, causing him to momentarily hesitate.
Joan caught his glance and hesitation and reaching for the book, she picked it up. “Claire said you helped collect my
things for the hospital … I wanted to thank you for that,” she told him. And she sat holding the book in her lap and
they seemed to look at each other forever until finally, unable to stand the suspense any longer, Brian reached into
his jacket pocket and moved in closer.
“You’ll be missing these,” he told her flatly and he held the letters out to her.
Pausing briefly and without speaking, Joan then slowly stretched out to take the letters from him. She had hoped
Brian had thought to leave them behind and hadn’t been curious about them and it had been frustrating that she
hadn’t been able to return home in order to confirm the letters were still safe. But as she took the letters from her
son, she noticed the one she’d written to Patrick Kinney so long ago had been opened.
“How dare you,“ she rounded on him.
“You had no right to read these,” she told Brian sternly, though in truth, she was hardly surprised. As soon as Joan
had regained her faculties and was able to take everything in, she’d been overcome with panic when she’d realized
the letters were missing from her bible. She thanked Claire for bringing her things and that’s when Joan learned that
it was Brian who had gone back upstairs and collected the bible. She knew that if he’d seen the names and addresses
on the letters, that the temptation to read them would probably prove too great and she’d been dreading her first
encounter with Brian once he’d discovered the truth she‘d been hiding all these years.
Without either of them uttering another word, Brian watched as his mother now carefully replaced the letters inside
her bible. Gently, she smoothed out the envelopes between the pages and the care and attention she took with them
spoke volumes and Brian suddenly realized with a shock, that there was so much more to Joan Kinney than he’d
ever realized. But he couldn’t bear the silence and the apparent reluctance to face the countless questions that were
now between them.
“Aren’t you going to tell me about him?” asked Brian at last and knowing it was hardly necessary to name the man
outright.
“There’s nothing to tell,” came back the reply he was half expecting.
“What?”
“Are you really saying there’s nothing at all you want to tell me about my father … my real father?” enquired Brian.
“Jack was your father,” insisted Joan, ignoring her son‘s clipped and disparaging tone and she turned and replaced
the bible on the table.
“You can’t deny it … it’s there … in those letters,” her son continued, trying to keep his voice calm and not reveal
the emotions that were gathering in his stomach as a knot.
“You had an affair with Jack’s kid brother … Patrick,” accused Brian, feeling the anger rising.
“You cheated on your husband while he was in Vietnam for chrissakes … and you had a bastard son … me.”
“So … when you realized Patrick didn’t want to know you after all … what did you do?”
“Tell Jack I was early?”
“I wonder just how many premature kids were born after their mother’s husbands returned home from the war?”
snorted Brian.
Astounded by the ferocity, but not surprised by the intensity of Brian’s feelings, Joan closed her eyes, trying to shut
out the accusations and the words that cut into her. Truths and lies she’d been trying to hide from for over forty
years.
“Stop.”
“STOP,” pleaded Joan, a catch in her voice and she clutched at her heart.
“My pills … I need my pills,” she gasped and with her hand shaking, she now desperately indicated her purse on the
sofa.
Brian closed his eyes and shook his head, uttering a disdainful chuckle under his breath. With all the lies his mother
had told him, she was obviously now trying to pray on his emotions; using her so-called continued ill health as a
means with which to deflect him away from his original intentions: To unmask her duplicity and make her admit her
actions.
Brian didn’t move as he continued to survey his mother with contempt, ignoring her requests for her pills, disgusted
at the depths to which that woman was prepared to go.
“Brian … for godsake …”
Brushing passed him, Claire headed for the sofa, hastily opened her mother’s purse and retrieved the bottle of pills.
Half a mile down the road, she realized she’d forgotten her pocket book and had immediately turned the car around
and returned home. Just in time, or so it appeared from her mother’s cries she heard from the hallway.
Claire tipped out two, small pills into her hand, which she then passed to her mother and then she poured the elderly
woman a glass of water from a carafe on the table beside her.
Shakily, Joan seemed to only just manage to place the tablets in her mouth and clutched Claire’s hand as the woman
held the glass to her mother’s lips as she swallowed the pills down.
“I don’t know what you’ve been saying,” accused Claire, staring scathingly at her brother.
“She’s a sick, old woman … have some compassion.”
“Compassion?” queried Brian, in disbelief. “When did she ever show anyone else compassion?”
“She’s been trying to tear my family apart …”
“If you’ve only come here to shout and cause trouble … you’d best go,” Claire came back at him. Once more, Brian
shook his head; his mother had Claire wrapped around her little finger. Or, more than likely, with the threat to Gus
now probably over, Claire had an eye on any financial gain that could now be had from their mother’s condition and
still wished to paint Brian in any bad light she could. As usual.
But accepting he wasn’t likely to get any answers to his questions, at least not here and now, Brian turned on his
heel and left.
Despite what he’d told Justin, Brian had more than a passing interest in the sort of man his father had been. So
leaving Joan without having obtained answers to the countless questions he wanted to ask her, found Brian bitterly
disappointed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With Christmas on the horizon, Daphne and John’s wedding plans were now mostly finalized. Though much to her
parent’s dismay, Daphne had insisted that Soleil would be a flower girl.
“So what if I still wanna get married in white?” asked Daphne over coffee with Justin.
“I’m not ashamed of Soleil,” she continued. “And I want her to feel involved and be as much a part of proceedings
as possible.”
“They’re just so … traditional, I guess,” Justin told her. “How do they get on with Soleil?”
Daphne sighed. “Well, the few times they’ve gotten together … Mom’s tried her best … but they haven’t connected
at all yet … not really.“
“And dad just doesn’t seem to know what to say around her.”
“That’s probably understandable,” observed Justin. “Considering he never wanted you to have her in the first place.”
“I know,” answered Daphne, who could still feel sick to her stomach at the thought that she might have done what
her father wanted.
“I’m hoping things will get better when Soleil’s here for good,” she continued and Daphne smiled. “She’s getting so
excited about the wedding … and the move and starting at her new school … it has such a good reputation … and
great facilities.”
“Well I can’t wait for her to get here,” grinned Justin, back at her, thinking of all the plans he‘d made for the things
they could do, once they had so much more time together. “And that reminds me,” and from his jacket pocket, he
produced his wallet and from inside, a check, which he handed to Daphne.
“What’s this?”
“My first contribution to our daughter’s school fees … you‘ll probably need this up front … uniform, books and
stuff,” stated Justin.
“I’ll set up a regular account for her … and don’t even think about refusing it,” he told her. Daphne smiled back at
him as she took the proffered check.
“Well … the business must be doing good,” she told him, after taking in the figures on the check.
“It‘s doing great … even better than I could have hoped for,” admitted Justin, still a little surprised even for him, of
the success of his fledgling business. But then again, he probably had the best advertising business in the state
behind him, though Justin, proudly. “And I want to pay my way.”
“Well … I’ve already started a school and college fund for her,” stated Daphne as she placed the check inside her
purse.
“This will come in very handy.“
“And of course I wouldn’t refuse … we’re all in this together.”
“We’ll do this together,” confirmed Daphne.
“Hmm,” frowned Justin and he saw Daphne blink. “What was that for?”
“I don’t think John feels the same way … he blanked me as much as he could at Thanksgiving dinner,” stated Justin.
“I don’t think he wants be involved at all.”
“How well does he get on with Soleil?”
“He’s trying … for my sake,” answered Daphne. “But I know it’s a struggle for him … he wasn’t expecting to be a
dad yet … especially to a child that isn’t his.”
“But he does want to make our relationship work … so I guess it’s to his credit that he stuck around.”
“And I don’t suppose having me in on the act helps … but I’m not backing off, Daphne,” Justin told her. “I want to
play a part in Soleil’s life … a big part.“
“I know what it’s like to have a father who doesn’t give a fuck.”
“Soleil’s gonna know that her real father loves her.”
“I know … and she does already,” accepted Daphne, Justin’s commitment and excitement so apparent, it still
managed to make her feel guilty and she sighed.
“I’m so sorry Justin … for not telling you about Soleil … of course you had every right to know you had a
daughter.”
“I’ve always tried to spend as much time with her as a could … but you never got a chance to see her growing up at
all.”
“I do now regret that.“
“And if I could go back and do it all again … I wouldn’t have given her up … and you would have been involved
right from the start … I know you missed out on a lot.”
“Thanks Daph,” replied Justin, managing a smile, but then he couldn’t help frowning.
“Are you okay?” asked Daphne and Justin nodded. Daphne was right. He had missed out a lot. Far too much than
any father should miss out from the child he’d been denied for so long. And a father denied all that, should have the
opportunity to make things right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With the soccer season on winter hiatus, Gus was spending more time with friends and for the moment, Justin and
Brian were spending less time with him at weekends. Consequently, Justin had watched as Brian seemed to absorb
himself further and further into his business. He understood the man’s need to occupy himself and Justin was only
too glad Brian hadn’t regressed to his wilder days and for the need for sex, drugs and booze to deaden whatever
feelings he was trying to suppress. It would seem that Brian was still a little afraid of his feelings, but, given the
circumstances, that wasn’t really surprising.
Justin knew the man’s emotions had to be all over the place following the discovery that Patrick Kinney was his
father, with so many unanswered questions; questions that up to now, only Joan Kinney could provide the answers
to. But after his failure, on the previous visit to his mother to try and obtain those answers, Brian tried to maintain an
air of unconcern and disinterest. Tried, but failed, in Justin’s eyes. Some of that Brian Kinney self-preservation
system still in working order, apparently.
Justin tried to talk to him, but Brian flatly refused to go and see his mother again. Justin even offered to go with him
in an attempt to try and keep Brian from losing his temper or to act as an intermediary. But again, Brian refused.
“What about Claire? You could talk to her … ask her to talk to Joan,” suggested Justin, but the look on Brian’s face
gave him his answer. “I guess not then,” stated Justin in despair and, on Brian‘s insistence, they dropped the subject
and agreed to forget all about it.
But that was easier said than done for Justin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John never did have a large group of friends. He was an only child and had a relatively small family and social
group. Therefore, his stag party was going to be made up mostly by his work colleagues, together with a couple of
college friends he still kept in touch with, one of whom was to be his best man.
Daphne had asked Justin and Brian to go along for the evening, more as a favor to her and reluctantly, Justin
eventually agreed. However:
“Even for you … and Daphne … there are some things I draw the line at,” a truly horrified Brian informed his
partner later.
“Oh great.”
“So you’re gonna make me go to a straight stag party on my own,” groaned Justin, in reply and he flopped down on
the bed beside Brian. The older man looked at him and raised an eyebrow.
“The party will probably end up at some strip joint … or lap dancing club,” and he leaned down to pull off a boot.
“Daphne would kill him!” declared Justin, but dropping his boot on the floor, Brian shook his head. “If the guys
with him have their way … he won’t have a choice,” and he blinked and shrugged. “Can you see me at either of
those places?” And then Brian grinned.
“I’d rather go to Daphne’s bachelorette party … at least there’s a better chance they’ll have a male stripper.”
“Actually … I was thinking that myself,” grinned Justin back at him. “But I’ve promised we’d go to John’s party.”
“No … no way,” came the answer.
“Come on … we wouldn’t have to stay long … just put in an appearance …”
“Uh-uh,” was Brian’s response.
“Just one drink?” asked Justin quietly, as he ran his hand along Brian’s thigh and even though the denim, he felt
Brian’s leg muscles tighten under his touch.
“We could let Gus have a sleepover at a friend’s … then we could come back and have our own party,” suggested
Justin as his hand explored further.
“Would that …” and Brian took in a quick breath.
“Would that include … lap dancing?” asked Brian, huskily and even in the light only from the nightstand lamps, he
saw Justin’s eyes sparkle mischievously.
“Oh … I think there’s a very good chance we could arrange that,” and he leaned his body into Brian’s and raised his
head to kiss him. Feeling Justin’s body pressing against his, Brian closed his eyes in expectation, only to have a big
wet kiss planted on his forehead and his partner jump up from the bed.
“Good … then I’ll call Daph in the morning and tell her we’re coming,” announced Justin and confused as to what
just happened, Brian blinked.
“What?”
“What about now?”
“Don’t wanna spoil the anticipation,” Justin told him and grinning, he made his way to the bathroom.
Brian groaned, but following him, he had plans of his own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Christmas wreath on the front door at least was welcoming, but the greeting didn’t exactly match the seasonal
sentiment conveyed.
“What do you want?” asked Claire, when she opened the door, rather taken aback by her unexpected visitor.
“I’d like to see Joan,” Justin told her and he stepped in, forcing her to take a pace backwards and admit him before
she could raise an objection.
“What could you possibly have to talk to mother about?” enquired Claire. “That’s between her and me,” he came
back at her, in a tone that told Claire to mind her own business.
“Claire … who is it?” called out Joan from the living room and hearing the direction from which the sound came,
Justin ignored Claire and strode purposefully down the hall and, without invitation, walked right into the living
room.
“Mrs. Kinney … Joan …“
“I need to talk to you,” Justin informed the elderly woman in no uncertain terms and catching Joan off guard with
his directness.
“When Brian was here … he nearly caused mother to have a relapse,” stated Claire, who had caught up to him.
“I’m not here to cause any trouble,” Justin answered her and then he turned his attention back to Joan.
“Please … I think you know why I’m here.”
“All I’m asking is that you hear me out.”
Joan blinked several times. Brian and Justin’s devotion to each other had been more than evident when she’d seen
them together and although she couldn’t approve of their relationship, the fact that Justin was prepared to face
someone he must surely know vehemently disapproved of him, spoke only of his courage.
Joan surveyed Justin closely and the steely determination in his eyes and the set of his jaw couldn’t be ignored and
then she saw Justin soften.
“Please,” he asked again, quietly. “If you have any feelings for your son in all of this … hear me out?”
As she did every day, Joan had been reading her bible and she now closed it, clasping it in her hands.
“Claire … leave us,” she instructed and although the woman started to object, Joan raised her hand to stop her.
“I’ll speak with Justin on his own,” Joan told her directly and grumbling under her breath, Claire made to leave the
room, leaving the door open behind her. “Close the door,” Joan called out to her and a very put out Claire retreated
to do as her mother had instructed her.
“Now … what is it you have to say to me?” asked Joan, indicating Justin sit on the sofa facing her. Now given the
opportunity to talk with her, Justin steeled himself for what he had to say and only hoped that he would get through
to her as he took his seat.
“Regardless of your disapproval for the way Brian leads his life … he is your son … you gave him life … and I
refuse to believe you have no feelings for him at all,” challenged Justin.
“You must have … especially after defying your husband’s demands and fighting to keep him … refusing to have
him aborted.”
Justin’s revelation that he knew about Jack’s demands caught her by surprise. Although he hadn’t been present at
Jack’s wake, Joan now realized it was hardly surprising that Justin knew about this, as the topic of conversation that
afternoon had turned to how people best remembered their dear departed and the result had undoubtedly been
reported back to him.
Michael remembered how Jack had hugged Brian after he’d managed to achieve a strike at their bowling game, a
memory that subsequently turned out to exist only in Michael’s imagination.
Lindsay had spoken of how Jack had told her that she smelled nice and that he had once given her a peppermint.
But the conversation stopper was when Brian had recounted the vividly remembered occasion that Jack had often
liked to remind him of; when on learning of her pregnancy with a second child, that he’d demanded that Joan have
an abortion.
“I didn’t know how my son would turn out then,” claimed Joan as a way of excusing her actions on revealing her
pregnancy and Justin nodded.
“And knowing now … if you could go back … would you have made any other decision?” he asked her. Joan
looked down and to the book she was holding. She brushed her hand over her bible.
“No,” she answered eventually. “It would have been a terrible sin to destroy the life of an unborn child,” she
admitted.
“Even though you now know he’s a homosexual?” asked Justin, pushing her for a further admission and when Joan
failed to respond:
“But I guess if God knows all there is to know about us … I mean … he created us, didn’t he?” continued Justin.
“So he must have known how Brian would turn out … and he must also have known that you’d be strong enough to
resist any demand for your child’s abortion.”
“So … it was meant to be,” stated Justin. “Brian was born … and is as he was meant to be.”
“And by that assumption … we all are.”
At Justin’s words, Joan looked away, and he thought he saw a flicker of confusion and shame in her eyes. Confusion
in her once treasured beliefs being challenged, forcing her to question them and re-evaluate. Together with the
shame at the treatment of her son at her hands.
Justin sighed and he was beginning to actually have some sympathy for Joan; watching her struggle with her beliefs
at odds with her natural maternal instincts.
“I know your marriage was sometimes … difficult,” Justin told her quietly and Joan nodded and slowly turned to
face him. Justin waited for her answer and, being given the opportunity to state her own feelings, Joan took
advantage of the courtesy afforded her.
“Jack … Jack wasn’t an easy man to live with,” admitted Joan. “But I was his wife … I’d taken vows … before man
and God.”
“So staying with a man you didn’t love … a man who wasn’t exactly a good husband, when all the time you loved
someone else … that couldn’t have been easy for you,” observed Justin, his voice remaining soft with the
compassion he was desperately trying to show this woman. Joan nodded. “No … it wasn’t,” she answered him
quietly, and doing her utmost from showing any sign of weakness, fearing pity; a trait that Justin recognized
immediately as one that Brian had definitely inherited.
“But I had no choice,” admitted Joan, wistfully.
“Jack’s been gone a long time,” reminded Justin. “But your son is very much alive.”
“Don’t you think you owe it to him to tell him about his father … his real father?” asked Justin.
“What’s the point?” questioned Joan, honestly not understanding any good it would do and wishing to emphasize
how important he thought her explanation would be, Justin got to his feet and closed the short distance between
them.
“I think Brian should know how much you loved the man … and anything else you can tell him.”
“After everything you put him through … including your threat for guardianship of Gus,”
“Don’t you think you owe him something?”
Joan momentarily closed her eyes as she contemplated her actions and the love she once knew. And the memories of
the man she would once have been prepared to die for, filled her mind and she sniffed back her tears, determined not
to give into them and she then nodded.
“Tell him … tell him to come and see me,” stated Joan, giving Justin the answer he wanted to hear.
“Thank you.”
“Thank you,” repeated Justin, smiling gratefully at her and leaving the woman to her thoughts, Justin turned and left
the room. And, unsurprisingly, he found Claire loitering in the hallway, having probably had her ear glued to the
door. Justin smiled at her and without waiting for her to show him down the hallway, he let himself out.
On the doorstep, Justin let out a huge sigh. Part one of the plan was completed. But how was he now going to let
Brian know that he’d been interfering on his behalf?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can’t get angry or upset with people at Christmastime. Or at least, that’s what Justin kept telling himself. He
just had to pick his moment carefully.
“You did what?” declared Brian, unable to believe his ears and he froze, mid tie-tying and looked at his partner‘s
reflection in the mirror and stunned by the younger man’s words.
Justin’s stomach was churning. Brian had worked late last night and it was 10:00pm. when he got home. He was
hungry, tired and had a headache. Hardly the right mood for hearing his partner had gone behind his back, even
though Justin had deliberated long and hard before he finally made up his mind about what he should do.
And now it was late morning on Christmas Eve, the day after Justin’s meeting with Joan and he and Brian were
dressing ready for Daphne and John’s wedding early that afternoon. After being unable to broach the subject
yesterday and knowing that breeder weddings weren’t exactly on Brian’s ‘must-do’ list, Justin had decided he would
wait until tonight, get him home, give him a couple of drinks, get him in the Christmas spirit and then break it to him
gently. Unfortunately, having secured a request from Joan for Brian to visit her again, it had been on his mind so
much all day, anxious as he was that Brian find out the truth as soon as possible, that he just kinda blurted it out a bit
too soon.
“I went to see your mother,” repeated Justin, trying to make it sound a little less earth shattering and having finished
tying his own tie, he turned around to face Brian, who had been looking in the mirror over the smaller man’s
shoulder.
“She said to tell you to go visit her again … that she’ll talk to you about Patrick.”
Brian momentarily closed his eyes and shook his head. “I said I didn’t give a fuck … what gave you the right to go
behind my back?” demanded Brian and he turned away from Justin, his tie remaining untied and he ran a hand
through his hair.
“Do you really need me to tell you why?” asked Justin.
“Yes … yes I do, damnit,” Brian told him and Justin took a deep breath. Crossing the short distance between them,
Justin caught Brian’s elbow and turned him back around to face him.
“Because you need to hear your mother say how much she loved him … and …”
Brian snorted and made to turn away. Justin sighed.
“She’s your mother … you’re her son.”
“And you have more of a connection than you think … a connection that can never be broken … however much you
might want it to be … or however much you hate it.”
“It’s a connection that will never die.”
“Joan loved Patrick.”
“You need to hear it … and Joan needs to be able to tell you.”
“And I had to do something … because you’re both as pig-headed as each other,” declared Justin in exasperation.
“I am nothing like my mother!” stressed Brian, which, if the man wasn’t so angry, would have made his partner
laugh. “You are far more like her than you care to admit,” came back Justin.
“Can’t talk about how you’re feeling … afraid to show any emotion in case it’s taken as a sign of weakness …
afraid to show that weakness for fear of pity …”
“Does any of this sound familiar?” asked Justin, pointedly.
“Okay … okay,” replied Brian, hearing words spoken of his mother that he knew so well applied to himself.
“Then you’ll go and see her?” asked Justin and he saw Brian’s hesitation, as he opened his mouth as it to speak and
then closed it again; the man was obviously thinking about it.
“She sent you the invitation,” reminded Justin gently and Brian shook his head before reaching out and pulling
Justin in.
“It’s Christmas Eve …” he stated, as if that should mean something.
“So?”
“We have a wedding to go to,” reminded Brian.
“Daphne would understand,” Justin told him, but Brian shook his head.
“Then … go after the wedding,” replied Justin, accepting no excuses.
“I can’t … I haven’t got her a present,” grinned Brian suddenly, and he tried to pull away.
“There’s a large bouquet of flowers in the sink in the laundry … and a large box of chocolates in the cupboard
underneath,” Justin informed him, pulling him back and Brian groaned.
“You’re determined … aren’t you?”
“Yes,” grinned Justin. “And you love me for it.”
If anyone other than Justin had interfered this way, Brian would have exploded. Instead, he was forced to smile back
at him and he leaned down to take Justin in his arms and kiss him.
Yes, Justin certainly was determined.
And yes, Brian did love him for it.
And a short while later, after laying the chocolates and flowers in the coolness of the trunk of Brian’s car, Brian,
Justin and Gus had set off for Daphne’s wedding.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keeping with tradition, Daphne and John had spent the previous night apart. Holly, Daphne’s Matron of Honor who
was an old college friend, together with Soleil, had stayed with her at the apartment and John had stayed at the home
of his best man.
Paula, Tony, Kyle and baby Amy had flown in a couple of days before the ceremony and were staying with Mr. &
Mrs. Chanders. Soleil had traveled with them of course and, in fact, wouldn’t be returning to NYC. Most of her
things had been shipped separately rather than pay excess baggage charges. And, immediately after Christmas, when
Daphne and John took the opportunity for a short honeymoon, Soleil would be staying with her father and then
Daphne and John would be returning in good time for Daphne to settle her daughter into her new school.
And first thing this morning, Daphne’s mom and Paula, came over to help Daphne, Holly and Soleil get ready.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It had been years since either Brian or Justin had set foot inside a church, and Brian could never venture inside one
without thinking of his mother’s zealous religious beliefs and of the time she seemed to prefer spending in a house
of god rather than in her own. But following what he’d recently learned, Brian slowly started to realize that maybe
he was beginning to understand his mother more than he thought he ever would.
And now standing in the church as the organ began to play, the congregation turned to watch as Daphne, an
absolutely beautiful vision in her wedding dress and on the arm of her father, slowly proceeded down the aisle. And
Daphne’s mother wasn’t the only one shedding tears.
Unfortunately, John had no youngsters on his side of the family, so the job of Matron of Honor, Flower Girl and
Ring Bearer had fallen to Daphne’s side.
Gus looked totally adorable in his suit. He wasn’t sure at first, but when Daphne told him she and John so wanted
him to be their ring bearer, he’d secretly been thrilled to be asked and agreed without much persuasion. Of course
the prospect of walking up the aisle beside Soleil had nothing to do with his decision. And the ceremony passing by
all too quickly for the principle family members and their guests, Daphne and John became man and wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The reception was held at an expensive hotel in the city and after the wedding breakfast and it was starting to get
dark, Justin put his hand on Brian’s arm.
“Why don’t you go and see Joan now … we’ll catch a lift with some else,” suggested Justin and Brian nodded.
To be honest, he hadn’t really been able to concentrate much on today’s proceedings, going over in his mind what
he wanted to ask his mother. Leaning over, he kissed Justin and then reached out to ruffle Gus’ hair before getting
up from the table.
“I won’t be late,” he told Justin, but the younger man caught his hand.
“Let it take as long as it takes,” he told him and Brian nodded before setting off to find out as much as he could
about his father and, maybe, end up understanding his mother just a little bit more in the process.
Chapter 8
Christmas Eve and, as if on cue, it had started to snow. With the engine still running for heat, Brian sat outside the
house for nearly 15 minutes before he finally got out of the car, turned up the collar on his overcoat and retrieved the
flowers and chocolates from the trunk. Making his way up the pathway to the front door, the settling snow crunched
under his feet.
Frustratingly for Claire, Joan had refused to expand on either Brian or Justin’s previous visits and the little she knew
of what was going on was gleaned only from what she’d managed to overhear. But whatever it was, it appeared to
have effected Joan deeply. Surprisingly, Claire found it quite worrying: She’d never known her mother so quiet or
contemplative before. And compliant, with even the odd word of gratitude, totally out of character for the woman.
Subsequently, Claire wasn’t really surprised to see Brian again quite so soon. He and their mother obviously had
some unfinished business. She only wished she knew what that could be, her curiosity now being replaced with
concern. But to be handed a large box of expensive chocolates by her brother was definitely something she wasn’t
expecting.
“Merry Christmas,” proclaimed Brian, managing a slight smile and, still in shock at the gift, Claire stood back to
allow him to enter.
“Th … thank you,“ came the slightly begrudging thanks as she took the box from him.
Laying the flowers on the hall table, Brian took off his coat, already covered in a light dusting of snow, and hung it
over the bannisters. Then, retrieving the flowers, he made his way down the hallway to the living room.
The wreath on the front door was the only visible sign in this house that it was Christmas. There was no decorated
tree in the living room. Claire’s son’s were too old to appreciate it and hardly visited their mother now in any case
and Joan certainly didn’t believe in the commercial side of Christ’s birth to apparently allow something quite so
vulgar.
With St. Paul’s Cathedral Choir’s Christmas Carols playing softly in the background, Joan had, as usual, been
reading her bible. She must know it by heart by how, mused Brian and he’d stood in the doorway for a moment
surveying her before Joan became aware of his presence and looked up. Brian stepped further into the room.
“Hello Brian,” greeted Joan quietly as Brian approached her. “Mom,” responded Brian. “How are you?”
“Better … much better … thank you,” answered his mother after a moment’s pause and pleased at Brian’s apparent
genuine concern.
“I’ll be glad to get out of the house,“ she continued and Brian nodded in response. Joan certainly appeared stronger
and had a much healthier color than during their previous meeting. She looked to be recovering well and then,
having almost forgotten he was carrying them:
“These are for you,” and he held the flowers out for Joan to take. Acts of sentimentality were never Brian’s strong
suit. It certainly wasn’t because he couldn’t afford them. It just wasn’t his ’thing’; something he’d grown up with.
Gift giving wasn’t something his family had gone in for and he still had to remind himself, occasionally, to
undertake such acts for Gus and Justin. But then it was much easier to make considered or even spontaneous
gestures for the people you love more than life itself.
Joan looked up at him and smiled. The last time her son had brought her flowers was shortly after Jack had died and
that was 12 years ago. But a son bringing his mother flowers, regardless of the passing of time since the last
occasion, was always special. If someone could bottle that inexplicable link between mothers and sons, there are
fortunes to be made.
“Thank you … they’re beautiful,” conceded Joan, touched by Brian’s gesture and after taking them and wistfully
studying the blooms for several moments, she handed them over to a still shell-shocked Claire, who had followed
her brother into the room. Presents? For her and for their mother? Something was definitely worth worrying about.
“Would you put these in water for me?” asked Joan. “And then I’d like to talk to Brian on his own.” Claire sighed
before taking the bouquet from her mother and disappointed at being excluded once again, left her and Brian alone
to whatever they had to discuss. But Claire acknowledged that she couldn’t really blame either of them for not
trusting her.
“Is it raining or snowing?” asked Joan, noticing her son’s damp hair and trying to keep the conversation light. Brian
walked towards the window where he then pulled back one of the drapes for his mother to see. It was almost dark,
but the large flakes could easily be distinguished.
“It’s snowing … looks like it’s gonna be a white Christmas,” and Brian chuckled.
“How classic is that?”
“I used to love Christmas,” stated Joan, unexpectedly and turning around, Brian frowned at her. “Used to?” he asked
her, but instead of replying, his mother merely looked down and didn’t elaborate.
“Justin said you wanted to see me,” stated Brian, after a moment’s hesitation and he took his seat on the sofa
opposite Joan and his mother looked up and nodded. “He’s a very persuasive young man.”
“Yes, he can be,” agreed Brian.
“And he obviously … cares a lot about you,” continued Joan, making an observation Brian hardly expected his
mother to acknowledge, let alone voice. Brian nodded.
“He loves me … we love each other,” stated Brian and he waited. He’d expected his mother to turn up her nose in
disgust at his statement of two men being able to love each other, but instead:
“Love is very precious.”
“You’re extremely lucky … to have found someone who loves you so much,” observed Joan, much to Brian’s
surprise and he nodded in agreement and then swallowed.
“Did you … did you love my father?”
“I mean Patrick … not Jack,” confirmed Brian for clarity. Momentarily, Joan closed her eyes. She nodded. “With all
my heart … god forgive me,” she continued, a catch in her voice and unmistakable sadness on her face.
Brian blinked as he heard the sorrow in her tone. Frowning, he realized he’d never once before thought of Joan as a
flesh and blood woman who had ever had feelings, but only as his mother. Joan and Jack’s marriage, in latter years
at least when Brian could observe them, appeared to contain no love or even affection. They’d been distant with
each other, so to hear her speak of love made Brian realize his mother had indeed once been a woman with desires
and emotions. But that those desires and emotions had caused her pain instead of joy. For Joan’s conflict; religious
beliefs versus her love for a man outside of her marriage, had taken a toll far greater than anyone could have known.
A forbidden love that Joan had kept locked inside her for over forty years. A love that she’d never dared spoken of.
But a love which even now, created feelings of guilt whenever she dared to relive those few short weeks of bliss.
“I know we’ve never really talked,” admitted Brian, and he allowed himself a slight chuckle. “Justin says we’re a lot
alike, like that … you and me … finding it difficult to talk about how we really feel.”
“But I’m a lot better at it now,” he smiled at her. “Thanks to him.”
“No … I don’t suppose we ever really have talked before,” Joan agreed with him.
“Except for you telling me you don’t approve of me …” Brian sighed, closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his
nose. He’d had no intention of starting a fight with her, but it seemed to be a natural reaction; the old Brian Kinney
self-preservation mode. Get in and strike the first blow before she did. Joan blinked at his criticism of her and slowly
nodded.
“I admit … I’ve never given you the chance to talk to me about … about your … sexuality,” stated Joan, obviously
uncomfortable at being forced to recognize her son‘s homosexuality. But it was long overdue.
“I suppose you think I should have been more like that …” Joan was about to say, ‘that Novotny woman,’ but
suddenly, Joan realized she had more respect for Debbie than she thought she ever would. Respect for a woman who
could come to terms so easily with her son’s sexuality and be able to love and accept him for who he was. And Joan
suddenly felt ashamed.
Brian heard the hesitation and frowned, wondering what his mother had been going to say, but then was so
completely taken aback by her next statement, he forgot about it.
“You think I’m a bad mother, don’t you?” Joan asked him suddenly and then smiled wryly at his lack of response.
“It’s alright … you don’t have to answer … I can tell by the look on your face.”
Brian swallowed. “I still don’t understand everything … but I am beginning to realize that things can’t have been
easy.”
“Living with Jack couldn’t have been a picnic … so I keep having to ask myself … why did you marry him in the
first place?”
“Unless …” and Brian hesitated.
“Were you knocked up?”
“With Claire … I mean were you …”
“I know what you mean … and no … I wasn’t,” answered Joan, cutting in.
“And in case you’re wondering … I asked myself the same question more than once … why did I marry Jack?” she
admitted and then she smiled. “But you should have seen him back then.”
“He was tall and broad … and extremely handsome … “
“Full of Irish charm … he was considered quite a catch … and he could be quite attentive … until …” and her voice
trailed off and she sighed. “Until the alcohol took hold … then he became someone totally different.”
“It was hard to believe he and Patrick were brothers sometimes,” revealed Joan.
“So … tell me about Patrick,” asked Brian, using the mention of the man’s name as a way of turning the
conversation.
“Tell me about the two of you … your relationship … and I know I’m probably expecting a lot … but I need you to
be totally honest with me.”
“And I won’t make any judgments, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Brian promised her, knowing that despite
his eagerness, he needed to set his mother at ease in order to get her to finally open up and talk to him about his
father.
“The good Lord is my judge, Brian,” his mother told him. “But Patrick is really only part of it.”
“And you might not like everything there is to be told,” Joan continued, surprising him and he nodded.
“I don’t care … tell me everything there is to know … about you and Patrick …”
“Don’t forget Jack,” added Joan. “He’s part of this as well.”
“Okay,” acknowledged Brian and he saw his mother take a deep breath and, reaching out, place her bible on the
table beside her; as if she daren’t hold it when speaking of the truth and of that forbidden love.
Opening up and sharing with anyone, but especially with Brian, and talking about the man she thought she loved
when she married him, the man she subsequently fell in love with and with whom she’d been prepared to break not
only her vows to her husband, but her vows to God, was something Joan had never allowed herself to do before.
She’d never considered Claire as any sort of confidante and she’d never really had any women friends she could talk
to. Her own mother had adhered to the ways as befitted her generation and religion, or at least how she saw it and
was hardly receptive and indeed her parents would never have contemplated Joan getting a divorce. When, after
much soul searching, Joan had written to Patrick and told him she would leave Jack for him, she knew she would
have been disowned by her own family.
But Justin was right. Brian was her son; the product of that elicit, forbidden love and he deserved to know the truth,
even if it was painful to tell him. After all, who else could she tell? Who at least deserved to know, other than the
fruits of that union and now, after all these years, maybe it was time she told her story.
Joan took a deep breath and steeled herself to open up to him. The only person she’d ever felt able to really talk to
before, had been Patrick. So, maybe talking now with his son, revealing the past and her feelings, was how it was
supposed to be after all.
“I was 22 … Jack was 24 … when we started courting,” and she smiled. “That’s such an old fashioned term …
courting.” And then Joan frowned.
“What is it young people say today?” and then she nodded as she remembered. “Oh yes … I believe the expression
is, ‘they’re an item‘,” and she saw Brian look down as he tried to suppress a grin at his mother‘s use of the
unfamiliar vernacular, despite the seriousness tone of the conversation.
“I may be old … but I’m not totally out of touch, Brian,” she told him, scolding him slightly and she sighed before
picking up the threads of her story again.
“Anyway … Patrick was 14 … nearly 15, when I first met him,” remembered Joan fondly. “A tall, gangly young
man whom I met him when Jack took me to meet the family for the first time.”
“I could tell immediately that Patrick was the apple of his mother’s eye … it was pretty obvious that she adored him
… he was the baby of the family and she’d earlier lost a daughter.”
“And after Jack and I had been going out for nearly a year, we became engaged … and after a two year engagement
… we were married.”
“I suppose I did spend quite a bit of time with Patrick … when he was young,” smiled Joan in realization before
continuing.
“Thinking back … I’m not sure Jack really approved of the time Patrick and I spent together … but I never thought
much about it … it was like having a younger brother of my own.”
“Jack and I usually had dinner with his family at least once a week … and out of earshot of his parents … Patrick
could be quite the comedian … he nearly always had an amusing story to tell … he used to make me laugh so much
… even though …” And then Joan hesitated.
“Even though what?” asked Brian, curious and having acknowledged his own feelings in wanting to know as much
about his father as he could.
“I realized later that Patrick’s humor was a way of masking how he really felt,” stated Joan.
“For all the jokes he made, it wasn’t always easy to know what he was really thinking.”
“And then after Jack and I were married … Claire came along a year later … but by that time, I already knew I’d
made a terrible mistake.” Joan sighed and looked down at her hands.
“They say you have to live with someone before you really get to know them … and of course I’d refused to move
in with Jack before we got married.”
“I knew he wasn’t pleased about that, but it was the late 60’s and my parents would never have condoned it.”
“Not like now … when people live together without any intention of getting married.”
“And Jack couldn’t believe that I’d waited so long before …” and she hesitated. “Before I let him touch me,” she
continued, obviously embarrassed at talking so frankly to her son about this particular subject.
To be honest, even Brian felt a little queasy at this point: No matter how much of an adult you are, it’s never easy
hearing your parents talk about their sex life. But he daren’t show he was uncomfortable. He didn’t want Joan
picking up on it and not want to reveal anything further.
“When I think about it … Jack drank … a lot … even back then.”
“And he certainly liked his nights out with his friends … and the men he worked with,” remembered Joan, cutting
across his thoughts. “But I think that like a lot of women … I thought he‘d change once we were married and settled
down.”
“And … like a lot of women … I was wrong,” she admitted, with obvious sadness in her voice, believing it was her
failure as a wife in not making Jack content enough to want to spend his evenings at home and with her.
“Apparently our wedding vows had meant more to me than they had to him …”
“But he continued to drink heavily after we married … and I realized he was still seeing other women … even when
I was pregnant with Claire.”
“And once the alcohol took hold, he could be a monster …” and she swallowed.
“But then you don’t need me to tell you that,” stated Joan, for the first time acknowledging her husband‘s violence,
and she saw Brian look away. No, he didn’t need telling.
“He made … demands … all the time,” continued Joan. “And if I refused, he’d get into one of his rages and storm
off to be with one of his … his floosies.”
Joan hesitated, realizing that if she wanted Brian to understand her actions, like she’d told him before, there were
things he might find rather unpleasant to hear. And she took a deep breath before continuing.
“Even when I was eight months pregnant … and that was the first time he struck me.”
The unexpected disclosure hit Brian like a ton of bricks. He felt sick to his stomach at the thought. He’d seen
photographs of his parents when they were younger and his mom, though not particularly big now, had been very
slim in her twenties and hardly a match for a hulk of a man like Jack. She must have been terrified, for herself and
her unborn child.
Before their marriage, Jack had appeared to Joan to be reasonably romantic, occasionally buying her flowers and
chocolates, even though he often made his disappointment at Joan’s refusal to sleep with him pretty much known.
He’d assumed that once married, Joan would succumb to the sex without objection, but in truth, Jack’s sexual
appetite had always disgusted Joan.
The physical side of their marriage had never really appealed to her, but Joan had been brought up to believe that a
wife should perform certain duties. But even a few days before Claire was born, Jack had snapped at one refusal too
many and that was the first time he’d actually hit her.
For one awful moment, Joan had thought he might actually try and force himself on her, heavily pregnant or not. But
instead he’d slapped her across the face and she fell heavily back onto the bed, shocked and distraught as Jack
stormed off. He was gone for most of the night, only creeping back into their bed a little before dawn and, in the
morning, fawning over her apologetically. But that was only the start of the pattern that was to last for years.
“And immediately after Claire was born, he still expected me to … “ Joan stopped as she saw Brian look away, at
last unable to disguise his shock and discomfort.
“This isn‘t easy for me at all … but you asked me to tell you everything, Brian.”
“You’re the one who wanted to know the truth.”
“Which presumably means the bad as well as the good … so you also need to know about Jack and our marriage.”
Brian nodded and for the first time that he could recall, he realized he actually admired his mother. Not only was it
difficult for her to open up and admit the failings of her marriage, but it must also be a terrible ordeal for her to relive the past and go through it all, in order for him to understand and learn the truth. The least he could do was hear
it. That is what he’d asked for, after all.
“Go on,” encouraged Brian and Joan took another deep breath.
“Claire was a sickly baby … she cried a lot of the time … and Jack had no patience with her at all.”
“I was sure he wouldn’t have hurt her … at least not deliberately … but after he’d been to work all day and came
home to a screaming baby … well … his mood would go from bad to worse.”
“So I never felt I could leave him with her … I could never have time for myself other than when I was able to leave
Claire with my mother for a couple of hours now and again while I went to church.”
“Church became my salvation … the only sanctuary I had.”
Joan frowned. “But I could never complain … especially to my mother.”
“She would only look at me with that expression that said … you’ve made your bed … now you have to lie in it.”
“I tried to get Jack to bond with Claire … it was only much later … when she’d grown out of that initial sickly stage
and became older and more manageable that he paid her any attention at all.”
“And of course, money was always tight.”
“There wasn’t enough for Jack’s nights out with the boys from the social he belonged to … or his other women …
and pay all the bills,” revealed Joan, bitterly.
“I’d been to secretarial college … that’s how we met … I was working at the office in the steel works … so I’d
suggested going back to work … at least part time … once Claire had stopped breast feeding.”
“But he wouldn’t let me work … it would make him look bad, he told me.”
“It would look like he couldn’t provide for his family,” and Brian could hear the unmistakable scorn in his mother’s
voice as she recalled Jack’s insistence that he would be the only breadwinner.
“And then of course, that terrible war was going on … but we’d assumed Jack had been fortunate enough to be
excluded from the draft … but he was called up after all, only about a year after Claire was born.”
“I know Jack wasn’t the most attentive of fathers or husbands … but I was suddenly on my own entirely with a
young child … even though …” Joan’s voice trailed off. “Even though what?” asked Brian frowning and Joan
looked away.
“In some ways, it was a relief for him to go,” admitted Joan, even now ashamed of her feelings, even though Jack
certainly didn’t make it easy for her. Every day seemed to be a struggle; not only knowing Jack was sleeping with
other women, and never knowing when his temper might snap. But also knowing that his hard earned wages were
going on alcohol and those whores. And over the years, things didn’t ever really improve, but that part would come
later.
“My mother’s health had started to deteriorate … I had no family for support now at all.”
“I could hardly turn to Jack’s family … besides he’d threatened what he’d do to me if I told them how he treated
me.”
“But with him gone … I was even more lonely … except of course for God.”
“And as Claire’s health improved a little and she was more settled … I was able to take her to church with me when
I needed to.”
“But every day for months it was just me and the baby … and church.”
“And then one day … nearly a year after Jack was drafted … quite unexpectedly … Patrick stopped by the house.”
Brian blinked and looked over at his mother, hearing the first spark of life in her voice having mentioned the man
and he saw her smile.
“No one ever really took Jack and Patrick for brothers … in many ways they were so different … I guess almost ten
years age difference contributed to that”.
“I hadn’t seen Patrick since just after Jack and I were married.”
“I get the feeling Jack tried to bully his younger brother … so there was really no reason why Patrick would want to
keep in touch … though later I learned he‘d missed the dinners where I‘d join the family.”
“But this particular day and knowing Jack wasn‘t there, he’d just taken it into his head to come round … he said he
wanted to see his niece.” And then Brian swore he saw his mother blush as she thought back over forty years.
“After not seeing him for so long … I was surprised at how much Patrick had really grown up during those last
couple of years.”
“He told me he’d had several jobs … including manual labor … he was extremely fit and …” Joan stopped and
looked over at Brian.
“He’d grown into an extremely beautiful young man,” stated Joan and she saw Brian blink.
“What’s the matter, Brian?”
“Don’t you think your mother is capable of recognizing an attractive man when she sees one?” she asked him.
“I … I … I just never thought of you that way,” admitted Brian, frowning. Joan nodded. “No … I don’t suppose
people ever think about their parents in that way,” she conceded.
“But I was a young woman once,” she informed him and Brian heard her voice crack. “And even though he was so
much younger than I was … and I was married …”
“When Patrick presented himself that day … I thought he was the most beautiful young man I’d ever seen,” and
Joan swallowed and struggled to settle herself again.
“Anyway … Claire was teething and she’d been fractious all day and most of the night before.”
“I was worn out … but Patrick came in and took over.”
“He saw how exhausted I was and he sent me off to have a lie down while he took care of Claire.”
“And somehow I just knew I could trust him with her totally.”
“A couple of hours later when I got up … feeling so much better … I found Claire peacefully asleep in her cot and
Patrick cooking dinner …”
“Jack never lifted a finger … so it was wonderful … having someone taking care of everything … taking care of
me,” stated Joan, wistfully.
“And he was always so easy to talk to … he allowed me to be myself … but he was an even better listener and when
he left later that evening, he asked if it was alright to come by again.”
“I probably should have said no right there and then,” admitted Joan. “I was a married woman … so what on earth
was I thinking … allowing a young, unattached man into my home with my husband away at war.”
“But instead … I said yes … and after that first time … Patrick regularly started coming around after work … and
very soon it was almost every evening … and he’d often cook and we’d bath Claire together and put her to bed and
then we‘d watch TV.”
“And even though I refused … he started leaving us money,” and she smiled.
“I’d find it left on the kitchen counter or slipped into my pocket after he’d left.”
“Or he would bring groceries … I think he liked to look after us and maybe even saw it as his duty with his older
brother away.”
“And he loved Claire … he would play with her so naturally.”
“Patrick was the total opposite of Jack in so many ways … he was kind and gentle … and he cared.”
Taking a breath, Joan went to reach for her glass of water, but it was empty. Getting up from the sofa, Brian crossed
the floor to the table and automatically refilled his mother’s glass from the carafe, without needing to be asked. And
Brian handed his mother her drink before returning to the sofa.
“Thank you, Brian,” smiled Joan at the small, but still significant gesture and she took a swallow and then replaced
the glass on the side table.
She hesitated and Brian caught it. This had to be one of the hardest things his mother ever had to do, but Brian
needed her to continue. He had to know it all.
“Please … go on,” urged Brian, gently and Joan, seeking the man needing her to continue; asking her for something
for probably the first time in his life, Joan couldn’t refuse him.
“It was summer … and Patrick took us on picnics and he’d hire one of those little rowing boats and take us both out
on to the lake … even though Claire was still so little.”
“But I always felt safe when I was with Patrick,” and Brian saw his mother smile wider than he could ever
remember her smiling before as she recalled such wonderful memories; as she lost herself even deeper in those
earlier times.
“Patrick still made me laugh … a lot.”
“I never laughed when I was with Jack,” stated Joan, suddenly serious and with a tinge of sadness, but then her
voice changed again and Brian couldn’t help noticing how very differently his mother’s manner appeared when
talking of the two men.
“I used to tell Patrick he shouldn’t be spending so much time with us … and that he should be going out and finding
himself a girlfriend … but he’d just grin at me and with a twinkle in those eyes … tell me girls his own age were far
too immature … and that he preferred the company of more mature women.”
“I knew he was only joking … or at least I thought he was …”
“And then one day when after dinner and Claire was in bed and we were washing the dishes … Patrick kissed me …
totally out of the blue.”
“It took both of us by surprise … but before I knew it … “ Joan’s voice trailed off, she hardly needed to elaborate
further, but much to Brian’s surprise:
“Patrick made me feel like a woman … “
“Loved and cared for … and made to feel worth so much more than Jack ever did …”
Joan then smiled and it seemed to Brian that she’d almost forgotten he was there as she recalled what was such a
happy time in her life; probably the only really happy time she’d ever known.
“I fell in love,” admitted Joan, the tears now glistening in her eyes.
“I swear I never meant it to happen, Brian … I never thought I’d ever be capable … of having an affair.”
“That went against everything I’d been brought up to believe in … and that was the sanctity of marriage.”
“But when I was with Patrick … even though he’d never really told me he loved me in so many words … I knew he
felt the same way.”
“During that summer … it was as if Jack never existed.”
“When we went out … the three of us … Patrick, Claire and I … Patrick would push Claire in her buggy.“
“People often thought we were a family … though I know they used to look at us a little strangely … I was older
than Patrick, after all”
“I think I knew all along that he’d been developing feelings for me … it wasn’t just the physical side …”
“And though he used to make me laugh … there were also times when he’d be really quiet and it would be hard to
know what he was thinking.”
“He never did actually tell me he loved me until he wrote the letter you found … but I knew he did.”
“It was in the way he looked at me … or touched me.”
“He made me feel so young … so … so alive.”
“We never talked about the future … I’d have to think about Jack and what I was doing to our marriage if we
actually did that.”
“I suppose deep down … I knew one day that it would end … that I would have to go back to being Jack’s wife.”
“And so … God help me … while Patrick and I were together … I could pretend the future … at least a future with
Jack … didn’t exist.”
“And those weeks … during that summer of 1970 … were the happiest I’ve ever known.” Joan swallowed and with
her hands trembling, reached into the pocket of her cardigan for her handkerchief, but it wasn’t there. Seeing his
mother being overtaken by her reminiscences and her emotions, Brian reached into his own jacket pocket and
retrieved a clean, linen handkerchief. “Here … use this.”
“Thank you,” whispered Joan and she dabbed at her eyes and blew her nose and composing herself, returned to her
story.
“But then Patrick got word of a job he’d been after … working for one of the oil companies.”
“It was such a wonderful opportunity for him … though he wasn’t sure he should take it at first … but I know it was
only because of me … even though we knew that … God willing … Jack would be home again at some stage.” And
Brian saw his mother’s lip tremble and heard the catch in her voice.
“I took Claire with me to wave Patrick off at the train station … it was then I realized just how much I loved him …
watching him leave and not knowing when … or if … I was ever going to see him again.”
“But he’d promised he would write when he got to where he was going.”
“And I watched until the train was out of sight …“ It had been a sweltering hot day in the height of summer and the
station had been packed with people. But kissing Patrick before he got on the train, Joan wasn’t even aware of
anyone else.
“My life had never felt so empty … I was empty … without Patrick.”
“I can‘t describe the guilt and shame I felt … I never had those feelings when Jack left … when my husband went
off to war in a foreign county all those thousands of miles away … a war that so many young men didn’t come back
from.”
“But watching … the man I loved … leave … broke my heart … so when I received the letter where Patrick said he
wanted us to be together … him, Claire and I … despite the vows I’d made … the vows I’d already broken … I
knew with all my heart that I wanted to be with him.”
“Even more so, when I found out I was expecting his child.”
“And I knew then for certain that I’d married the wrong brother,” admitted Joan.
Joan closed her eyes and sighed. She was finding this draining and hard to go on; admitting her guilty love for
another man, resulting in an unplanned pregnancy.
Brian frowned. He could see his mother was suffering, but there was still so much more he needed to know.
“Then … I don’t understand … why didn’t you tell him how you felt … why didn’t you follow him?” he asked her;
Brian unable to hide the catch in his own voice as the enormity of what his mother was telling him began to hit
home.
Opening her eyes, Joan shrugged.
“Brian … you have to remember … not only was I married to Jack … I was also so much older than Patrick.”
“It wasn’t the done thing for women to marry younger men in those days … at least not for women like me … even
if we were free to do so … and it was only when he was leaving that I realized just how much he meant to me and
that despite everything I always believed in … I would readily give it all up to be with him.”
“Even so … it wasn’t practical for me to go with him when he left.”
“Patrick didn’t know where he’d be living or if there was anywhere to accommodate a small child …”
“Or even if the job meant he would stay in one place for any length of time to set up home.”
“I couldn’t just get on a train and follow him without knowing exactly what was waiting for me.“
“I couldn’t leave Jack just like that … I only had a little money of my own … women weren’t as financially
independent from their husbands as they are now … and there weren’t any of the support networks available at that
time …”
“But I did reply to Patrick’s letter … but then you know that,” and Brian looked away, now feeling terribly guilty at
reading her personal letters; invading her privacy.
“I even tried calling the company he said he was going to work for … but they couldn’t trace him … and then I
heard Jack’s unit was coming home …”
“And on the morning he arrived home … my letter to Patrick was returned … it didn’t find him.”
“I’ve never felt so desperate and trapped in all my life … I mean … what was I going to do?”
“I was expecting another man’s child … I had no way of contacting the father … and my husband was coming home
from the war.”
“Goodness only knows what sort of experiences Jack went through in that dreadful place … we’d heard so many
terrible stories of what our men went through over there …”
“And when I realized I might never hear from Patrick again … I knew it was God’s will … punishment even … for
looking for love outside of my marriage and that it was my duty to stand by Jack.”
“But I knew I had to make him believe the child was his … because if he knew and then left me … I’d never have
survived on my own with two small children.”
Realizing what a difficult situation his mother was finding herself in, Brian saw Joan visibly shudder as she relived
the day Jack came home.
Although it hadn’t been a particularly long tour of duty, Jack had witnessed suffering and atrocities no one should
ever have to. Many of his comrades hadn’t made it home and although Jack had never been one of the most popular
of men, he’d been a good soldier and had earned a reputation as a hard man, but one his fellow troopers could trust
to watch their backs.
There’d been little opportunity for R ‘n’ R, although brothels still seemed to flourish in the most unexpected of
places. Though totally unexpectedly, when Jack arrived home, he found Joan wearing her best dress. She’d had her
hair done and was even wearing a little make up. She actually seemed pleased to see him.
“So Jack never knew?” asked Brian. About to answer him, a knock on the door interrupted Joan’s reply and Claire
walked in with a tray.
“I thought you might want some refreshments,” stated Claire as she placed the tray of coffee and sandwiches on the
coffee table. “And it’s long passed your medication time,” she told her mother. To be fair, Claire realized that
whatever Joan and Brian had to discuss must be of monumental importance, to bring mother and son together in that
way after everything that had happened, both in the past and more recently with Gus. And Joan shouldn’t miss her
medication and they seemed to have been talking for hours.
Brian closed his eyes in disbelief, but in actual fact, Joan was glad of the interruption. She was feeling tired; the
unfamiliar act of opening her heart to her son was exhausting and it was now passed her normal supper time and she
needed to keep up her strength.
“Thank you, Claire … then would you pass me my pills please?” and Joan looked over at Brian who was obviously
annoyed that their conversation had been cut short and didn’t look at all interested in food.
“At least have coffee, Brian … you must be in need of that,” suggested Joan. Brian sighed, but instead of reaching
for coffee, he looked at his watch. He hadn‘t realized it had gotten so late.
“I need to make a call … I’ll be back in a minute,” and getting up from the sofa, he took out his cell and stepped into
the hallway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“How are you?” came the anxious question without any preamble.
“I’m still here,” replied Brian and even though he couldn’t help feeling concerned, Justin smiled to himself, his heart
beating loudly in his chest. He’d been expecting Brian’s call all evening and had answered immediately; If things
went as he’d hoped, Justin knew that Brian and his mother had a lot to talk about and wasn’t the least bit surprised
that the man hadn’t returned home yet. Justin only hoped things were going well. But an indication of that surely
had to be the fact that Brian was still there.
“Claire brought in some coffee and mom’s taking her medication … so I thought I’d call you.”
Initially annoyed at Claire’s interruption, Brian decided in the end that he was glad of a break himself and would use
the opportunity to make a call to Justin and let him know he was still with his mother.
Christmas Eve is always one of the most emotional times of the year and Brian would rather he and Justin were
together and he knew the younger man would be anxious, not only that he wasn‘t home yet, but also wondering how
he was getting along with Joan.
“Then I take it things are going okay?” enquired the younger man and he heard Brian take a deep breath. “Yeah,” he
answered him eventually. “We haven’t finished yet … I’ll tell you about it when I get home.”
“I’m sorry it’s taking this long.”
“Don’t worry about that,” answered Justin. “Take however long you need … this has been a long time coming.”
“Yeah … I guess it has,” agreed Brian. Over forty years in fact.
“Is Gus still up?”
“Yes, he is … we’ve been watching ‘The Grinch’.”
“Thanks,” replied Brian. “Of all nights … I should be there tonight.”
“Don’t beat yourself up over it … I’m here,” smiled Justin.
“I know you are … I just wish I was there too.”
“Do you wanna word with him? … He’s in the kitchen getting milk and Oreos.”
“Yeah … I’d like that,” and Brian heard Justin walk through from the living room and muffled voices as the phone
was handed over.
“Hi Dad.”
“Hi Champ … you had a good evening?”
“Yeah … Me and Justin have been watching tv.”
Normally, Brian would have corrected Gus’ grammar, but on this occasion, it didn’t seem warranted or important.
“Are you coming home soon?”
“I shouldn’t be too long now,” promised his father. “I’ll make sure I’m there before Santa visits.” Brian grinned as
he heard Gus groan. “DAD! It’s been years since I believed in Santa,” Gus told him and Brian feigned mock
surprise.
“You don’t believe in Santa? I thought everyone believed in Santa,” and he heard the wheels turning.
“Do you believe in Santa?” asked Gus, now unsure of exactly what to believe, but the hesitation in his father’s reply
was confirmation enough and then Brian heard his son’s further groan turn into laughter.
“Aw DAD!”
“Make sure you go to bed when Justin tells you to,” his father told him.
“Don’t I always?” asked Gus and then his son grew more serious.
“Will you wake me when you get in?”
“It could be late,” answered Brian, but his son didn’t care.
“Okay,” agreed Brian, knowing it was important to Gus to know his father was home on Christmas Eve. “I’ll wake
you.”
“Love you … see you later.”
“Love you too, dad,” replied Gus, still able to express how he felt, as he’d always been encouraged to.
“Now … would you pass me back to Justin?”
“Sure, dad.”
“Hi,” answered Justin, having taken the phone from Gus and he moved away from the counter, leaving the
youngster raiding the cookie jar.
“I don’t really know how long I’ll be,” confessed Brian but Justin only shrugged. “Take your time and don’t rush
…”
“And drive careful … it’s been snowing,” instructed Justin.
“I will,” answered Brian.
“Love you.”
“Love you too,” answered Justin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During his telephone conversation, Claire had passed Brian in the hallway and then returned with the flowers he’d
brought, nicely arranged in a crystal vase. Taking them into the living room, she placed them on the table in the
window. “So you can see them,” Claire smiled at their mother and then gave a rather embarrassed glance at Brian,
who had followed his sister into the room, then she left them once more.
Brian poured himself a cup of coffee before returning to the sofa; Joan already had a cup. Brian took a swallow of
his drink while he waited.
“You asked about Jack,” reminded Joan, resigning herself to getting everything out and into the open. Brian nodded.
“I never told him about Patrick or that you weren’t his son … and he never said anything directly … but I think he
knew … eventually.”
“Why do you think that?” frowned Brian.
“I waited almost a month after Jack had returned before telling him I was pregnant … in the hope he would naturally
assume the child was his … I couldn‘t wait any longer than that.”
“What was his first reaction when you told him?” asked Brian.
“Hardly anything to begin with,” replied Joan. “I think the war had an impact on him he probably even refused to
believe himself … I don’t really think he took it in.”
“And?” asked Brian, still confused.
“Claire was crawling and starting to get under his feet … his temper was shorter than ever and he’d started drinking
heavily again …”
“And out of the blue … he took me to dinner …”
“I don’t believe I have to tell you the rest,” continued Joan.
Brian closed his eyes. No, his mother certainly didn’t need to elaborate over that scene; the scene where Jack had
told her over dinner that he didn’t want any kids and that he wanted Joan to have an abortion. A scene Jack seemed
to take pleasure in relaying to Brian as often as he could.
Joan was horrified of course. Even though she was carrying Patrick’s child and not her husband’s, the thought would
never even enter her head not to have the baby. Even if she still had the time, which she didn’t, being further along
in her pregnancy than she’d led Jack to believe.
“So … what happened to make you think he knew I wasn’t his?” asked Brian.
“It was when you were born.”
“To begin with … despite everything … I think Jack was actually quite proud to have fathered a son … and yes …
I’d told him you were premature.”
“But you were a good weight … and then I saw him talking to one of the nurses … who undoubtedly let him know
you were full term … she wouldn’t have known not to say anything different … why should she?”
“I’d tried to use the fact he had a son to encourage him to take more interest in you … and to begin with … I think it
actually worked.”
“But after speaking with the nurse … he suddenly didn’t want to have anything to do with you … with either of us.”
“Then … why do you think he never said anything and didn’t leave you?” asked Brian, trying to understand why on
earth Jack had remained married to Joan. Jack certainly never appeared to have any religious beliefs that would
prevent him wanting a divorce; however long it would take.
“Jack was a very proud man,” answered Joan. “I think he thought it would make him seem less than a man … not to
have fathered a son.”
“And there was no way Jack would ever admit his wife was unfaithful … and that the son she bore wasn’t his.”
Momentarily closing his eyes again, Brian nodded. Everything was beginning to fall into place. No wonder he’d
never bonded with Jack in any way. No wonder the man had laid into him every opportunity he got, being forced to
bring up another man’s bastard son. His own pride getting in the way of admitting the truth.
Brian sighed and standing up, crossed the floor to the windows and drawing aside the drapes, looked outside. It had
stopped snowing, at least for the moment. But there was a light covering of snow on the ground; the outside
temperature too cold for it to have yet melted.
“So … there you have it,” stated Joan and taking a deep breath, Brian turned around to face him. There was still one
or two things about his own relationship with his mother that puzzled him.
“I understand now how things were between you and Jack,” stated Brian. “And I understand why you think you
couldn’t have left with Patrick.”
“But what excuse do you have for the way YOU treated Claire and I?” he asked his mother.
“Things were bad enough with Jack … but you weren’t there for us …”
“You’re our mother … but it was like you turned your back on us … always at church … never standing up to
Jack.”
And crossing the floor to his mother’s chair, Brian, crouched down besides her, needing to understand his mother’s
motives and actions. To find some sort of explanation.
“We were kids … we needed you,” and Brian swallowed, fighting down his emotions that threatened to spill over.
“Don’t you think I know that?” answered Joan, her breath a little shallow, seeing the pain on her son‘s face as he
struggled to understand why a mother would neglect her children like that.
“Then why?” demanded Brian.
“Shame … guilt,” admitted Joan.
“Church was the only place I could escape to … besides … it was where I needed to go … to seek God’s
forgiveness.”
“God’s forgiveness!” cried Brian in exasperation and he made to get up to move away. But reaching out, his mother
caught hold of his shoulder to prevent him. Still kneeling, Brian refused to look at his mother, who suddenly caught
him under the chin and turned his head to face her. And in his mother’s eyes, Brian saw all those years of sadness,
guilt and shame well up into tears. Never before witnessing so much emotion from his mother, Brian couldn’t move.
And then Joan smiled and stroked his cheek with the back of her hand.
“The older you became … the more beautiful you grew … and the more you looked like Patrick … reminding me
every day of the sin I committed when I fell in love with him,” she whispered. Brian’s own eyes began to fill with
tears. It was obvious just how much Joan had loved Patrick; Brian could see it in her face and hear it in her voice.
“Is that why you pushed me away?” asked Brian, beginning to understand more. “Because I reminded you of my
father … because I looked like Patrick?” whispered Brian and Joan nodded.
“You’re the image of him,” smiled Joan, now cupping Brian’s cheek in her hand. “Another reason why I’m sure
Jack knew that not only did I have another man’s child … but the fact that man was his brother.”
“You don’t really look like Jack at all … except for the Kinney traits … “
“But your eyes … your nose … “
“There could never be any denying you’re Patrick’s son and not Jack’s.”
Sighing, Brian summoned up his strength and pushed himself to his feet and, crossing the floor back to the sofa,
slumped back down. His head was beginning to pound; there was so much to try and make sense of and take in.
“You should have told me … why didn’t you tell me … when Jack died?” asked Brian and Joan smiled wryly. “My
own pride … and guilt,” she admitted, by way of explanation.
Joan surveyed her son, the guilt she felt at her treatment of him rising to the surface.
“Do you hate me?” she asked him and she saw Brian frown. He shrugged. “I’m not sure what to think right now,” he
admitted and then he sighed. “But no … I don’t hate you.”
“You’d have every right to,” stated Joan, unexpectedly. “After all … what mother wouldn’t be proud … looking at
you …”
“Handsome … successful …”
“Queer,” cut in Brian.
“That shouldn’t have made any difference,” confessed Joan. “And I’m sorry I let that … and my own foolishness …
get in the way of getting to know my own son …”
“And telling him … and telling him just how much I love him.”
“Justin was right … God would reject none of his children … creating them in his likeness.“
“But I ended up rejecting you …”
Hearing words he never thought his mother capable of telling him, and quoting something that it would seem Justin
had said to her, Brian now stared at Joan. And the shock on Brian’s face at hearing those words from her, cut his
mother like a knife. Words she should have been able to tell him all along but never could. And Brian watched as his
mother crumpled into floods of tears.
“Mom?” Getting to his feet, Brian crossed the floor to Joan’s chair once more and, crouching down beside her, took
her hand.
“How could I have been so stupid?” asked Joan of herself, her words almost lost among her sobs as she allowed
Brian to hold her hand in his and then she patted the back of his hand.
“To think of everything I put you through … including threatening to take away your son.”
“I am so sorry, Brian.“
“Can you ever forgive me?” Joan asked him and then, desperately:
“Is it too late?” she asked him. “To put things right between us?”
“Though I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to.”
Brian looked at his mother and saw the sincerity in her eyes and heard the plea in her voice and she squeezed his
hand.
Brian could have got up and walked away and never looked back. But this was the woman who gave him breath and
who had lost the love of her life. And Brian knew exactly how that felt. He smiled at her and then shook his head.
He’d learned it was never too late to pick up the pieces and start again.
“I’d like that,” he told her and for the first time he could ever recall, his mother drew him in and hugged him. And
Brian held on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It took several minutes for Joan to recover completely, and in fact it took Brian a while too. The coffee had gone
cold and Brian went to find Claire to ask for some fresh. “I’ll bring it in,” agreed Claire and when she returned the
replenished coffee pot, she couldn’t help noticing how different the atmosphere was; now so much more relaxed
than before.
“I’d still like to talk to mom on my own,” Brian told her and having made sure Joan was alright, Claire left them to
it once more.
It still felt strange, talking to his mother in a way they’d never managed to before, but there was obviously still one
thing Joan wanted clarification for this time.
“Do you blame me?” asked Joan. “For being gay, I mean,” she asked him.
Brian shrugged. “Blame isn’t the right word,” he answered her. “I believe it’s absolutely natural and maybe one day
… someone will be able to isolate the gay gene … so who knows?”
“Maybe you are responsible … but I don’t ’blame’ you.”
“But you are happy?” asked Joan and Brian nodded.
“Sure … I love my life … why wouldn’t I?” and he grinned.
“I admit … I was pretty … wild … I guess you could say … when I was younger … a different guy every night …“
“No … make that mostly several guys a night …”
“BRIAN!” scolded his mother, and seeing Brian’s eyes twinkle reminded her so much of Patrick. But instead of
denying herself, Joan decided it was about time she enjoyed the similarities and, in fact, rejoice in them.
“But then I met a man who loved me for who I was … and I loved him … except I was too proud to admit it … and
wasted a helluva lot of years before we got together again,” continued Brian.
“But to answer your question …“
“I have a partner who loves me and whom I love completely … I have a great kid … a beautiful home and a very
successful business.”
“So … yes … I am happy … very happy,” confessed Brian with a grin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some things can probably never be put right and you have to accept that. But when you are able to make amends
and finally able to lay certain ghosts to rest and move on, it can provide a freedom you never dreamed of. And that
was certainly now true for Joan as well as Brian and bode well for their future relationship.
Now talking comfortably and more relaxed than he‘d ever been in his mother‘s company, Brian completely forgot
about the time, until he looked up and saw the clock on the mantelpiece. Joan saw him and checked the time for
herself. Brian wasn‘t the only one surprised at the hour.
“It’s late … you’ll be wanting to get home,” suggested Joan and Brian nodded. “I guess I should soon,” came the
reply.
“I suppose Gus will be excited … it is Christmas Eve after all,” stated Joan. Brian grinned. “He says he doesn’t
believe in Santa any more … but it is still quite a magical time for him.”
“So it should be,” agreed Joan and she sighed.
“I used to love going to church on Christmas Eve,” stated Joan and Brian saw her hesitate.
“What?”
“Nothing … it doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does,” Brian told her. “What were you gonna say?”
Joan swallowed and looked down at her hands.
“I was just wondering … if you felt like taking me … to Midnight Mass?” asked Joan, only half expectantly and
looking up, she saw Brian frown as he mulled it over.
“Are you sure you’re up to it?”
“On the arm of my son? I’m up to it,” she answered him. Brian nodded and then got to his feet.
“Sure … why not,” and smiling, Brian held out his hand to help his mother from her chair.
“I hope you’ve got a good coat,” chuckled Brian.
“Otherwise Claire’ll kill me,” and with Joan on her feet, Brian linked his arm through hers.
“Merry Christmas, mom.”
“Merry Christmas, Brian.”
Chapter 9
“It seems a shame to wake him … but I did promise,” whispered Brian, standing in Gus’ open bedroom doorway.
Earlier, hearing Brian and Joan eventually emerging from her living room, Claire had gone to investigate, only to
find they were obviously intent on going out as Brian was helping their mother on with her coat which had been
hanging in the hall closet.
“Where on earth are you going at this time of night?” asked a shocked Claire, who had been hoping to be able to go
to bed, but hadn’t felt she could, with her mom not having yet returned.
“Brian’s taking me to Midnight Mass,” stated Joan as she began to button her coat.
“Are you mad?”
“You’re not strong enough to go out …”
“I’ll be perfectly alright,” Joan told her daughter dismissively. Claire looked at her brother in disbelief.
Surely, he couldn’t be doing this willingly? But watching him as he was now putting on his own overcoat, Brian
seemed perfectly happy to be accompanying his mother to church.
Claire frowned. Joan was obviously determined, but in the recent past, she’d been the one who had accompanied
Joan to church from time to time and Claire couldn’t help feeling more than a little excluded. But she saw how Joan
took Brian’s arm and the unusually relaxed atmosphere there seemed to be between them; something Claire had
never witnessed before, made her realized that this was something that only mother and son could do, at least on this
occasion.
Claire tried to offer Joan a walking stick, but was informed that they were: ‘For old people’ and: ‘Besides … I have
my son to support me’. Both Claire and Brian blinked and glanced at one another at Joan’s last remark.
“Well … mind how you go,” instructed Claire, as she opened the front door for them. “It’s been snowing.”
“We will,” answered Brian and he supported his mother along the path and across the street to his car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking around, Brian could barely remember the last time he attended church. But even though the church and its
teachings still rankled considerably, he couldn’t deny the significance of this particular occasion. Especially when
after the service, Joan seemed to make a point of introducing her son to everyone she knew there, including the
priest, whom Brian had a feeling he might just have met in a previous life. But hearing Joan acknowledging Brian so
openly and proudly as her son wasn’t something Brian was yet used to.
Subsequently, it was very late, or very early, depending on your point of view, when Brian returned his mother to
Claire’s. And, despite the cold, they sat in the car for a few minutes before Brian escorted her back inside.
Unexpectedly, Joan had reached over and placed her hand on Brian’s arm. “Thank you … I know that probably
wasn’t very easy for you,” she smiled at him gratefully, and switching on the interior light, Brian nodded and smiled
back. He chuckled. “Don’t go thinking you’ve saved me … this isn’t something that’s likely to be repeated very
often,” he told her. Joan frowned at him. “But I hope that doesn’t stop you coming to see me,” she answered him
truthfully and Brian blinked.
“You want me to?”
“Of course,” replied Joan. “I feel as if I’m only just getting to know you … and before you say anything … I know
it’s my fault that we haven’t been getting along and I plan to rectify that,” she informed him determinedly. Having
been given the opportunity to regain her son, Joan wasn’t going to risk losing him again.
“How does that fit in with the man upstairs?” asked Brian curiously, wondering how this evening and their apparent
new found understanding would put his mother at odds with her religion and he saw Joan frown as she considered
his question.
“I’m never gonna change, mom,” continued Brian. “You need to understand that … I am who I am.”
“I know,” smiled his mother eventually. “But no true and loving god would come between a mother and son.”
“I understand that now,” Joan told Brian as she looked right at him.
Brian nodded again and smiled back. Despite the revelations of this evening, Joan was unlikely to undergo any
radical change when it came to her beliefs, but it did sound as if she was prepared to attempt to reconcile those
beliefs with her role as a mother. Something Brian would never have expected his mother ever capable of doing.
Brian also felt as if he was now just getting to know his mother for the first time. None of this could be easy for her,
nor was it for him and there was bound to be give and take needed on both sides, as in most relationships, for them
to form any real connection. Compromise on both sides, but smallish steps all the same. Forty years couldn’t be
erased overnight, but gestures of good faith were required and Brian wasn’t above making them.
“Would you … like to see Gus?” he asked her and Joan smiled broadly. “I would love to see him,” she answered
him, recognizing the gesture and how much of himself Brian was putting on the line to try and form an
understanding between them.
“But it’s Christmas … and you’re bound to have made arrangements,” she continued, though obviously a little
disappointed.
Brian had to admit, he wanted to be with his family, that is, with Justin and Gus, on Christmas Day. Christmas was
only just producing good memories for Brian and he wasn’t yet ready to give those up or share them with anyone
else.
“Well …” Brian hesitated and Joan squeezed her arm. “That’s alright … I understand,” she continued.
“Claire’s John and Peter are coming over for a while tomorrow … or rather, today,” corrected Joan. Brian nodded
and inwardly shuddered at the thought of the Spawn of Satan and his younger brother.
“Okay … but you’re welcome to see Gus any time during Christmas break … I’ll call you … and then … maybe we
can talk some more?”
“I’d like that,“ smiled Joan and she saw Brian frown. “What is it?” she asked him.
“I was just wondering,” admitted Brian. “Did you never want to try and find out what happened to Patrick?”
Joan sighed. “What was the point?”
“I’d reconciled to spending the rest of my life as Jack’s wife.”
“No doubt Patrick made a life for himself … and probably never gave me a second thought,” she continued.
“You don’t know that,” pointed out Brian and Joan shrugged. “No … but what’s the point of wondering now …
after all these years?” and she patted Brian’s arm. But Brian was sure he heard a tinge of regret in her tone, despite
her words.
“I’d better go in … I expect Claire is waiting up,” suggested Joan and, as if on cue, they saw the front door of the
house open. Obviously Claire was keen to get her mother inside so she could go off to bed.
Getting out of the car, Brian walked around the vehicle, opened the door and helped his mother out. Taking his arm
again, Brian could feel her leaning against him as they carefully walked up the pathway to the house. It hadn‘t
snowed further, but the temperature was still so low that it hadn‘t yet begun to melt. Joan was obviously tired and
extremely grateful for his support and her steps were slow and a little shuffled.
Knowing Brian wanted to get home and there was no point in asking him in, Joan stopped in the doorway and turned
around. On the step and now almost up to Brian’s height, she looked him in the eye.
“Thank you,” she smiled at him again and offered her cheek for him to kiss. Brian smiled back and, leaning forward,
kissed her. And, as he did so, he felt his mother squeeze his arm affectionately.
“Oh,” remembered Joan as Brian pulled back. “Right after Christmas … I’ll get on to my lawyer … and formally
withdraw my application for guardianship of Gus … put the record straight.”
“Thank you,” answered Brian gratefully.
“I’ll call you,” he told her and he took a backwards step.
“Have a wonderful day,” came back Joan and Brian smiled before turning and walking back down the pathway to
his car as he heard Claire starting to fuss over their mother.
Driving home, owing to the weather conditions, Brian had to concentrate on the road rather than let his mind wander
to the incredible events of the evening, culminating in a visit to church, something else Brian never saw himself ever
doing again and that in itself had to go down as a minor Christmas miracle.
Unsurprisingly, Justin had waited up. Brian hadn’t called him again. Partly because he was keen to get home and
partly because he’d half expected Justin to turn in. But of course, he should have known better.
Justin heard Brian’s car draw up on the drive and then the key in the lock. He’d left the porch light on so that Brian
could easily see his way and putting down the book he’d been reading, the younger man made his way into the hall.
Even though he’d tried to sound calm when Brian called him, Justin’s stomach had been churning all evening,
wondering how his partner was getting on and whether, on reflection, it had been a good idea to visit Joan in order
to try and persuade her to tell Brian the truth. What if the truth was too hard to bear after all? Might he have put
Brian through even more needless pain?
Cautiously at first, Justin stepped into the hall to find Brian just standing there. He hadn’t yet taken off his coat and
was still holding his car keys; it was as if the enormity of the evening had only just begun to sink in. And, as Justin
slowly approached him, without a word said by either of them, Brian drew the smaller man into his arms and held
him. They held each other tightly. Inwardly, Justin sighed. He could detect no tenseness in the other man, who
seemed calm and reasonably at peace and then, finally, Brian drew back and smiled at him.
“Mom’s formally withdrawing her claim to Gus,” stated Brian and Justin smiled back; he knew that had to be a huge
relief for Brian, despite the unlikelihood of Joan winning any case. But at least it meant Gus wouldn‘t be put through
any unpleasant ordeal in the future.
“Merry Christmas,” whispered Brian as Justin reached up on tiptoes.
“Merry Christmas,” whispered Justin in return; his words melting into their breath as their lips met.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although he’d only had coffee and a single sandwich all evening, Brian refused Justin’s offer to make him
something to eat. All he really needed was his bed, with the man he loved in his arms and together, arms around
each other‘s waist, Brian and Justin made their way upstairs. Brian stopped at Gus’ door and slowly turned the
handle and pushed it open.
Hesitating for a moment to watch his sleeping son, Brian’s love for Gus formed a seemingly all too real solid mass
in his chest and Brian sighed. “All those years … when he was growing up … “ he whispered.
Reaching out, Justin placed his hand on Brian’s arm. “I know … but it’s no point beating yourself up now.“
“By my reckoning … you’ve more than made up for those missing years … at least to Gus.”
Brian nodded, grateful for Justin’s words of reassurance and certainly Gus didn’t seem to resent him or appear the
worse for wear for Brian not having been around in those early years. Or at least it was something he hadn’t yet
considered. But for Brian, he realized it was time he could never get back. And he turned to his partner.
“I guess we’ve both got a lot to be grateful for … with our kids.”
Justin nodded and smiled. Soleil was due to spend Christmas Day with Daphne and John. But after that, the newly
married couple would go off on honeymoon and Justin would have his daughter all to himself. And he couldn’t wait.
Turning back to his son, Brian smiled. “It seems a shame to wake him … but I did promise,” he whispered and
standing in Gus’ open bedroom doorway, he felt Justin’s hand rub the small of his back in support.
Quietly crossing the floor, Brian knelt down beside Gus’ bed. Gus had long grown out of needing any sort of
nightlight on while he slept and the only illumination now coming into the room was from out in the hall. But it was
enough to see that the youngster was sleeping peacefully and Brian gently pushed the hair back from his son’s eyes
before leaning across to gently kiss his forehead. The boy stirred and opened his eyes.
“Dad … you‘re home,” and the obvious relief in the boy’s voice tugged at Brian’s heart.
“Hi Champ,” smiled Brian, his voice soft and deeply affectionate. “Sorry I took so long.”
“That’s okay,” answered Gus and he blinked.
“What time is it?”
“Way too early to get up yet … Santa hasn’t been …”
“Aw, Dad,” groaned Gus, sleepily, as his father pulled the duvet back up over his son’s shoulders and leaned down
to kiss him again.
“Goodnight,” he whispered, but Gus had already fallen contentedly back to sleep.
Leaving Gus and closing the door behind him, Brian stopped as Justin came out of their bedroom with an armful of
brightly wrapped presents.
“Is he asleep yet?”
“Yeah,” answered Brian and he frowned and gestured to the parcels Justin was holding. The younger man shrugged,
which was actually difficult, considering everything he was carrying.
“We’ll only have to get up again in a few hours … we might as well put them under the tree now,” stated Justin by
way of explanation. Brian nodded. “I’ll give you a hand,” he whispered back, but Justin shook his head.
“You must be exhausted after tonight … I’ll do it.”
“You go and get ready for bed.”
Brian smiled. Typically and thankfully, Justin hadn’t asked what had passed between Brian and his mother; he knew
the man would tell him when he was ready. Brian would tell him of course, but he still had to process a lot of it
himself and making his way to the bedroom, Brian started to undress as Justin made at least three trips from the
bedroom down to the living room to place all the presents under the tree for the morning, which in fact, was now
only a few short hours away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You were gone a long time,” observed Brian as Justin closed the bedroom door behind him after his final trip.
“Yeah,” answered Justin. “I had to go out to the garage for the present Debbie left for Gus and put it with the
others.”
“Well, I never realized we bought so much,” yawned Brian from the bed.
“Yeah … and … apparently … we don’t spoil him,” chuckled Justin as he quickly stripped off his clothes and
climbed into bed beside Brian.
Snuggling down beside him, Justin felt Brian sigh and he reached out for the older man’s hand. Lying in the crook
of Brian’s arm, the man’s arm around his shoulders, they linked their fingers and rested their hands on Brian‘s chest.
Brian was glad not have to answer any questions and grateful that Justin knew when to ask and when not to.
They didn’t have to say anything; there were times when both men knew the value of silence, even over well meant
comforting words. And this was one of those times.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slowly, Brian regained consciousness as an excited boy, one who did not apparently believe in Santa but who still
managed to be overcome by the magic of Christmas, tried to shake him awake.
“Justin! … Dad!” called Gus into his father’s ear for the fourth time and Brian managed to open an eye. He groaned.
It didn’t seem like five minutes since he’d fallen asleep and now he was being pulled out of bed.
“I’m coming … I’m coming,” groaned Brian as Gus bounded out the door and down the stairs and Justin leaned
over. “Hold that thought,” whispered Justin into Brian’s ear as he ran his hand over the man’s still taut stomach
before throwing back the duvet and reaching for his gown. Today, showers could wait.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everyone’s presents were successful, with Brian and Justin’s most expensive joint Christmas present to Gus being
the latest iPod. But he loved the monster making kit and the Harry Potter wand probably just as much.
With the living room looking like a demolition site with all the discarded wrapping paper and boxes, Brian managed
to persuade Gus to help tidy up and then go shower and dress. Brian and Justin did likewise, though they did linger
in the shower a little longer and then they all joined in cooking a late breakfast. Rosa had left everything prepared
for their main Christmas dinner which they would have later, but for now, cereal, toast, bacon, eggs and juice, would
maintain them until then.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I have to make a call,” stated Justin, looking around and patting himself down in order to try and locate his cell and
he kissed Brian’s temple and squeezed his shoulder as he went to hunt for the errant cell.
Brian watched Justin go and then frowned and then he looked at his son, who was studying the instructions for the
monster making kit.
“Gus … come over here,” called Brian and getting up to go over to his dad, Brian put his arm around the
youngster’s waist.
“You know … I think there’s someone who would love you to call her up and wish her a Merry Christmas,” stated
Brian and reaching for the phone, he dialed the number and then relinquishing his seat to his son, Brian handed the
phone over to Gus. Walking away, he heard the start of the conversation.
“Hi Grandma … Merry Christmas,” and then after Grandma Joan, Grandma Debbie and Grandma Jennifer also
received the customary Christmas Day phonecall and thanks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By now, it was almost midday and with Justin going back up to the bedroom to look for his cell, he discovered it
was already ringing when he picked it up. And just the person he was about to call was calling him.
“Hi dad … Merry Christmas,” beamed Soleil down the phone. “Sorry I didn’t call earlier … I slept in.”
“That’s okay,” answered Justin. “It was a pretty full-on day, yesterday.”
“No wonder you were worn out”.
Justin and Gus had left Daphne and John’s reception after they’d eaten. Hoping Brian would get a chance for a good
long talk with Joan, Justin had sought to keep Gus occupied. As it was, the youngster was enjoying the party. He and
Soleil got along so well, Justin couldn’t have hoped for better.
Consequently, with Daphne and John not particularly concerned about being on their own on their wedding night,
having lived together and with shortly jetting off for their honeymoon, they weren’t in any real hurry to leave and
they were all pretty tired when eventually they did get home.
“Are you all packed to come over?” asked Justin, unable to hide the delight in his voice.
“Almost,” came back Soleil. “Mom and John will drop me off on the way to the airport.”
“Then can I have my presents?” she asked him, excitedly and Justin chuckled. “I think we can arrange something
…”
After chatting together for a few more minutes, Justin then spoke to Daphne before hanging up and calling his mom
and wishing her Merry Christmas before returning to the living room to find that Gus had challenged his dad to a
contest with his new video game. Dinner was still a way off, but the offer of coffee was welcome, though Gus
refused anything to drink.
Leaving his son to work on trying to get to the next level of a game he could play on his own, Brian joined Justin in
the kitchen and he pushed the door partly closed behind him. Not too far so that they couldn’t hear Gus if he called,
but enough that would give him some warning should Gus decide to come look for them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Thanks,” and Brian took the coffee he was offered and Justin reached for his own. Sitting at right-angles to Brian at
the kitchen table, the younger man knew Brian had come out into the kitchen for his coffee for a reason, rather than
have it in the living room where Gus was. And, over coffee, Brian related to Justin what had passed between himself
and Joan the previous evening.
Although extremely private and personal, Brian was glad to be able to relate everything to Justin, whom he knew
would be amazingly understanding of it all. Brian knew that anything he told Justin would remain between the two
of them and felt comfortable divulging even his mother’s experiences with Jack and her love for Patrick. But it also
seemed to the younger man as if Brian needed to tell someone else in order to make himself believe once and for all
that it had actually happened.
“God … that must have been so difficult … for both of you,” stated Justin and, reaching out, he covered Brian’s
hand with his own, his heart going out to Brian and for everything that had caused him so many years of pain. Brian
nodded.
“For mom to actually admit how guilty and ashamed she felt at having an affair and having another man’s kid …”
and Brian sighed as he still struggled to take in the enormity and the affect of doing that would have on his mother.
“Did she ever try and find Patrick again?” asked Justin and Brian shook his head and he heard the hesitation in
Justin’s voice.
“The answer’s still no,” replied Brian to Justin’s unanswered question.
“Why? What have you got to lose?” asked Justin, exasperated at Brian’s reluctance to try and find his father, but his
partner couldn’t be persuaded otherwise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the morning, it had started to snow again and for the next four hours, it continued quite heavily.
“Debbie must have known,“ grinned Justin and Brian shrugged. “Well, it happens every year … but this year, the
timing’s perfect.“
Despite the new toys, games and up to the minute electronics, sometimes, it’s the more traditional pastimes where
you can often have the most fun.
Within a few hundred yards of the property, the open ground fell away, not too sharply, but ideal for tobogganing
and the top quality sled bought by Debbie and Marty for Gus this Christmas was begging for a maiden voyage.
Seeing just how much snow had settled over the last few hours on top of the previous evening’s, Gus had been more
than willing to abandon his other new acquisitions and eagerly pulled both Brian and Justin up off the sofa. And now
with Brian carrying the sled, dressed in their warmest clothing, including hats and scarves, the three of them headed
out.
But Gus wasn’t content with just letting his dads watch him tobogganing on his own; besides, it was pretty cold just
standing doing nothing he told them, way too concerned for their wellbeing for his age. And, after a couple of runs
on his own, it was Justin who had first given in and sat on the sled behind the youngster as the two of them set off
down the incline. Brian’s stomach lurched, but once he’d seen they were okay, he couldn’t disguise his amusement
when at the bottom, the sled pitched on its side, throwing its occupants, though thankfully relatively gently, into the
snow.
“Think you can do better?” challenged Justin as he hauled himself and the sled back up to the top through the calfdeep snow.
“Come on, dad,” urged Gus, having caught Justin up. “Ride with me.” Looking at Brian, Justin sucked his lips into
his mouth in order to suppress a grin and then he shrugged. Looking at Justin and then back at his son, waiting
expectantly, how could Brian refuse?
Tucking those long legs in, in order not to cause himself an injury wasn‘t easy, but holding on to Gus sitting in front
of him, there wasn‘t much to chose between the two of them for the sense of exhilaration it gave them. Though of
course Brian would never admit as much.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Now you two,” instructed Gus, holding out the reins to Brian. “Are you sure it will hold both of us?” asked Justin,
casually.
“Excuse me, mister,” came back Brian, feigning disgust. “Are you accusing ME of being too heavy for that?” he
asked him, indicating the sled parked between them.
“I just meant two adults,” pointed out Justin, but then he grinned.
“But it has been a long time since you’ve seen the inside of a gym,” reminded Justin, reaching out and patting
Brian’s stomach.
“Same weight I was 10 years ago,” insisted the older man, and he automatically sucked in his gut. Admittedly, Brian
had stayed in good shape, not that it made a huge amount of difference in the padded coat he was wearing, which
gave him a more rounded appearance, though nowhere near Mr. Michelin proportions.
“Besides … I could say the same for you,” continued Brian, which was true, though Justin had never been as much
of a gym bunny as Brian.
“It’ll be dark soon,” came the small voice; son of Brian, as the sarcasm, conscious or not, could however be easily
detected in the boredom of a small boy waiting for something to happen.
Taking the reins, Justin turned the sled around and took his position in the front of the seat, waiting for the older,
taller man to sit behind him, who again struggled to get his tall frame inside its confines.
Brian will of course always deny he ever screamed, but with the weight of two grown men now on board, the sled
picked up speed and proceeded down the hill at a far greater pace than before. Justin didn’t mind admitting he gave
the odd yell, especially when they overshot the aimed for stopping point and continued on a lot further than
intended.
The main road was still a long way off and they were really never in any danger of ending up on the highway, but
they didn’t seem to be stopping any time soon.
“BAIL!,” yelled Brian into Justin’s ear and the younger man nodded. Luckily, they ended up exiting the sled on
different sides thus avoiding collision, both of them rolling over in the snow, which here was deeper and more
powdery. The sled itself carried on for a few more yards and ended up coming to a gentle stop atop a small snow
covered knoll.
Brian groaned and lay still for a moment while he assessed his situation. Thankfully, nothing appeared to be broken,
but finding himself face down in the snow wasn’t his idea of a fun-filled Christmas day afternoon. Slowly turning
his head and pushing himself up onto his knees, he looked around for Justin who was now lying on his back having
rolled off the sled and ended up about 20 feet away from Brian. The younger man groaned.
“Are you okay?” yelled an extremely concerned Brian and then he heard Justin chuckle. “Well, nothing’s broken,”
came the reply and turning his head, Justin looked over at his partner.
Brian looked down at himself. Having sunk into the deeper snow, he was covered from head to foot in the stuff he’d
picked up along the way; the same as Justin.
Seeing his dads take off at such a pace, filled with panic, Gus had set off after them and had now only just caught
them up.
“Dad … Justin … are you okay?” came the concerned filled cry. But, as he’d drawn closer, the sight of his dad,
usually so immaculately turned out but now caked in snow from head to foot, brought about a fit of the giggles,
which the youngster didn‘t even attempt to disguise.
The first snowball hit Gus in the stomach. It didn’t hurt him of course, but it did make him jump and heralded the
onset of a fierce snowball fight between three of them, culminating with Justin and Gus taking sides against Brian.
“Remind me again why I love Debbie?“ spluttered Brian, spitting out a mouthful of snow. Justin grinned.
Managing to grab hold of Gus to bring proceedings to a halt, Brian tucked the laughing youngster under his arm,
supporting him on his hip and with Justin carrying the sled, they started to make their way home to dry off and begin
dinner.
And later, after Gus was in bed and Brian and Justin sat in front of an open fire nursing brandies, Brian would admit
to Justin that this was the best Christmas he could ever remember.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a busy, but one of the happiest days all of them could remember, followed by what was for them an unusually
large meal, vegging out in front Christmas evening tv seemed very inviting for all of them. Of course Gus didn‘t
really want the day to end and he was practically asleep when Brian finally managed to get him into bed before rejoining Justin in the living room for a nightcap.
With the fire crackling in the hearth, a son asleep upstairs and his lover and partner leaning drowsily against him on
the sofa, Brian wondered when was it this had become so comfortable? That was never a word Brian would ever
have thought he’d use, along with committed and monogamous, or dutiful and loving father.
It seemed as if Brian might even now start to have a real relationship with his mom, something as a child Brian had
craved so much but as an adult had accepted it was probably never going to happen. Never say never; that seemed to
be the rule governing recent events in his life, but reaching out to take the glass from a sleepy Justin lying against
him and place it safely on the floor, Brian couldn’t help wishing Justin could one day be reconciled with his father,
something he knew the younger man craved deep down.
Brian frowned. Up until a few days ago, he’d always believed Jack Kinney to be his father and he understood
Justin’s frustration that he didn’t want to try and track him down. Justin believed he’d never get back on track with
his own dad, so was keen that Brian didn’t throw away the chance of getting to know his real father. But what was
the point? What man would readily accept him as their son? Brian realized he’d come too far to put himself through
the pain of any further rejection.
Besides, leaning down to kiss the top of Justin’s head, Brian didn’t think he could ever be any happier and he
wouldn’t trade what he now had for anything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tomorrow was due to be another eventful day with Soleil coming to stay for the duration of Daphne and John’s
honeymoon and Justin had wanted to make sure everything was just perfect and her room had been made up the day
before.
With the advantage of owning your own business, both Brian and Justin had arranged to take extended leave from
work after the usual Christmas break and during the next week, with very little friction and what there was, easily
resolved, the extended Kinney/Taylor household was busier than ever, even if somewhat unusually girlie with Soleil
now in residence. But neither Brian nor Justin would have wanted it any other way.
Brian watched the interaction between Justin and Soleil and he could see how much Justin relished getting to know
his daughter better, now able to spend so much more time with her. But he also caught how Gus occasionally looked
at the two of them and it was obvious he occasionally felt left out.
Brian didn’t blame Justin, of course. Fatherhood was still so new and exciting for the younger man, but he knew it
wasn’t going to be easy, juggling everything and keeping everyone happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daphne seemed a little quiet when, a week later, she collected Soleil, though she insisted that she and John had
thoroughly enjoyed their honeymoon. The time had passed all too quickly for Justin, of course, who, with each
passing day increasingly hated the thought of Soleil moving back home with her mom and stepfather. Justin and
Daphne had already decided that they would share custody of their daughter, though Justin understood Daphne’s
reluctance to disrupt Soleil’s routine, particularly during school time.
Soleil had also loved spending her time with her dad, she usually got on very well with Gus and she liked Brian.
Though unlike Gus, Soleil was still getting used to seeing her father’s open affection for another man and
occasionally had sought to put herself physically between Brian and Justin or Justin and Gus. Brian understood
immediately that it really didn’t matter that Soleil’s dad had a male partner as Soleil would probably have reacted in
the same way if Justin was with a woman: she just didn’t want to share him with anyone else. And quickly realizing
himself what was happening, Justin took Soleil to one side to explain that his love for Brian was separate from his
feelings for Soleil and that he wanted Soleil to think of Gus as her brother and that he loved them both.
Brian was in a slightly different situation with regards to his relationship with Soleil who had so many father’s in
one way or another that she certainly didn’t need another. But talking to her himself, Brian sought to reassure Soleil
that he didn’t really expect her to think of him in a parental role, but he would like to be her friend if she let him.
Consequently, with everyone understanding where they stood, any possible animosity was soon quashed, resulting
in a relaxed and very pleasant atmosphere for them all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Christmas break was drawing to a close, but true to his word, Brian had allowed Gus to visit Grandma Joan,
who was thrilled to see him.
Justin and Daphne both accompanied Soleil on her first day at her new school. Soleil was understandably nervous in
her crisp, new uniform, but as a genuinely friendly and outgoing youngster, it wouldn’t be long before she started to
make friends.
The faculty, however, couldn’t believe their luck; in Soleil alone, they were able to tick so many boxes in their
search to offer education at their establishment as diversely as possible. After all, how many children could boast
mix race and a same sex couple in their parentage!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With a few hiccups, the next few weeks saw them all coming to grips with a new routine; one which now included
Soleil.
Justin accepted the important of Soleil’s routine during term time, but he and Daphne had agreed upon Justin seeing
Soleil for one evening during the week and for her to stay with her dad every other weekend, and Justin would
collect Soleil on Friday after school and deliver her back there on Monday morning. Though of course they talked
every day on the phone and emailed each other daily.
With the new term and routine, Gus was really only now realizing the impact of suddenly having a sister and was
understandably disappointed when Justin wasn’t now there all the time for him and it did take a little peacemaking
from both Brian and Justin to get him to understand that Soleil wanted time with her dad in the same way Gus did
with his.
Gus frowned, but allowed to go away and mull it over for himself, came back to say he could remember what it was
like not to have his dad around and so understood that Soleil now wanted time with Justin.
With Gus returning to his room in order to concentrate on his homework having expressed his feelings so openly,
Justin’s heart sank and Brian closed his eyes after hearing the youngster’s words, stated clearly, but with no intended
malice or accusation directed towards his father. Gus obviously did have recollections of the time Brian was missing
from his early life and his son’s words had cut through him like a knife.
“Don’t take it to heart,” smiled Justin, knowing how guilty Brian felt at those absent years. But it also sought as a
reminder of yet another absent father.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Dinner in ten,” Justin told them, as he popped his head around the living room door, one evening a few weeks into
the new year; it was a week night and there was just the three boys. Brian had managed to get home at a reasonable
time and, when they did, they continued to eat together, as a family.
“Great! I’m starving!” declared Gus and he put down the hand-held computer game he’d been playing with and
immediately headed for the kitchen: He’d already finished his homework and had been allowed to play with the
game until it was time to eat.
“Hands, young man!” Justin told him and ignoring the youngster’s groan, Justin caught Gus by the shoulders and
turned him around, sending him off to the downstairs cloakroom.
“How’s it going?” asked Justin, turning his attention to Brian.
“Hmm?”
“The Henderson Electronics account?” continued Justin.
“I know you were stoked to get it,” and the younger man grinned at him as he crossed the floor to where Brian was
sitting on the sofa, his laptop set down on the coffee table. Henderson’s were a conglomerate that Brian had longed
to get on his books for a couple of years now and he’d worked damned hard in recent weeks to secure the contract
and Justin was hoping to read what Brian had pulled together as his initial advertising campaign. But as Justin drew
level with the coffee table, Brian closed the screen he was working on and then powered down the laptop.
“Oh … “ sighed Justin in disappointment.
“Sorry … were you wanting to see it?” asked Brian, innocently and Justin shrugged. “That’s okay … next time,” the
younger man smiled up at him and he watched as Brian made his way to wash up, managing to grab ahold of and
tickle his son as they passed in the hallway.
But Justin frowned. That wasn’t the first time that Brian had shut down his laptop suddenly in the last few days,
when he’d approached him. And Justin was beginning to wonder whether Brian had the same idea he had after all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It wasn’t only Brian who appeared to be spending a lot of time on the computer over the next few weeks, though of
course both he and Justin spent a large amount of time online as part of their work. And although Brian had stated
vehemently his decision not to try and trace his birth father, a few assumptions could safely be made regarding his
parentage.
Firstly, both Joan and the Kinney brothers were born in Pittsburgh, PA.
Secondly, both families were of Irish descent.
Thirdly: Unfortunately, as far as Justin could tell, there didn’t seem to be a third point of reference and with no
family papers to go on and with only an approximate year of birth, where the fuck do you start? Thank god for all
those search engines and who could know that Patrick Kinney could be such a common name for the sons of
Pittsburgh:
Patrick F. Kinney, retired Head of Mathematics, University of Minnesota: Born Pittsburgh, a resident of Minnesota
for over 50 years. Now aged 73. Way too old.
Patrick D. Kinney, Sc.D., Associate Professor of Clinical Public Health (Environmental Health Sciences). Born
Pittsburgh, but currently living in Chicago. 56. Too young.
Patrick Kinney, Second Unit Director or Assistant Director. Born Pittsburgh, but currently residing in West
Hollywood. 42. Too young.
Patrick Kinney of Kinney Consulting LLC, specializing in Wireless Communications and serving both large and
small companies for their wireless needs: Born Pittsburgh, now residing in Phoenix, Arizona. 51. Too young.
Patrick Kinney, Composer and progressive musician. Pittsburgh born, but now living in NYC. 36. Far too young.
The community records appeared to contain several Patrick Kinneys of various backgrounds and social status and
Justin had to investigate further for most of the records didn’t list everyone’s ages and so far, no-one yet appeared to
fit the bill exactly.
And then came a breakthrough; the breakthrough that had Justin practically falling off his chair with shock.
Up in his studio and taking a break from his own work while it was only himself and Rosa in the house, Justin had
resumed his search. Brian might say that he didn’t want to know anything about Patrick Kinney, but Justin couldn’t
let it rest. Besides, his experience of Brian of old had taught him that the man’s true feelings had a habit of being
hidden under an apparent air of disinterest. And then Justin found this reference:
Patrick Kinney, CEO of Kinney Haulage, born Pittsburgh, currently residing at Lake Tanglewood, Texas. Age 62. A
Possibility?
But Justin didn’t need the man’s age, or even an approximation of it, to confirm his findings. The picture from the
company’s last quarterly report was evidence enough.
But how was he going to tell Brian that he’d surely found his father, and that the man was very much alive, when
Brian hadn‘t admitted that he‘d been searching for himself, even though Justin had his suspicions?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Determined to find out as much as he could about Patrick Kinney before deciding whether or not to take his findings
to Brian, Justin carried on digging.
Kinney Haulage appeared to be a very successful trucking company, mostly operating in the mid-west and with
routes up into Canada, and with their head office in Amarillo, where Patrick had started up from.
There didn’t appear to be any mention of family in Patrick’s short bio, but it did state he was a self-made man,
who’d started the business in the late 80’s with literally one truck to his name and who now had a fleet of over 1500
in various guises and sizes, offering services ranging from containers and refrigeration to shipping building
materials and machine parts.
Patrick did indeed start his business while working for the oil company he joined when he’d left Joan, and had often
been called upon to move equipment around the different fields in the US and Canada before branching out and then
leaving them to start up on his own. Kinney Haulage appeared to have a very profitable turnover and over $2 million
in revenue per annum. They also appeared to be involved in community projects and made frequent and substantial
donations to various charities.
From further digging, Justin was able to confirm the man’s home address and even found a telephone number listed.
It was days before he finally summoned up the courage, but one evening after dinner and Gus was asleep, Justin
handed Brian a piece of paper.
“What’s this?” the man asked him, frowning.
“Patrick Kinney,” answered Justin quietly and he saw Brian’s mouth open as if to say something and then close
again as he changed his mind. “I’ve been digging … I’m pretty sure …”
“For chrissakes, Justin … what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” cut in Brian, having found his voice, and with
a tone Justin hadn’t heard in a long time. Getting to his feet from the sofa where he’d been reading through some
work papers, Brian headed for the side table and poured himself a hefty shot of Beam, which he swallowed in one
go.
“I told you I had absolutely no intention of getting in touch with my … with Patrick,” Brian rounded on him, but it
didn’t escape Justin’s attention that Brian almost referred to Patrick as his father; some sort of admission on Brian’s
part of his need for someone to fill that vacant role, maybe?
“I know what you said …”
“Then why the hell do you insist on interfering?”
“Because I don’t want you to miss this chance,” stated Justin and sighing, he ran his fingers through his hair, before
crossing the distance between them.
“Look … I long ago realized that my dad didn’t want to be part of my life … even though I’d have him back in a
heartbeat.”
“And I do understand your reluctance to seek out Patrick.”
“I know how rejected you felt as a kid and I can understand you not wanting to find your father … declare yourself
to him … only to be rejected … again.”
“But it doesn’t have to be that way,” and reaching out, Justin rubbed the man’s arm and looked up at into his face,
recognizing Brian‘s inner struggle with his emotions.
“After you said you didn’t want anything to do with Patrick … all I kept thinking about was how thrilled I’d been to
discover that I was a father.”
“But I also know how much hurt and disbelief I felt on that discovery … to know that I’d been denied the
experience of fatherhood and the existence of my child for so long.”
“And putting myself in Patrick’s place … I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing.”
“This could be amazing … for both of you,” he continued and he saw Brian look away as if not wanting to admit in
any way that Justin might possibly be right.
“Did you ever think I would reject Soleil?” asked Justin. “Well … did you?” he asked again, when Brian failed to
answer him the first time.
“No,” replied Brian, eventually.
“Then why do you believe Patrick will reject you?”
“And don’t use the fact you’re a fag as an excuse for an automatic rejection.”
“The man deserves the benefit of the doubt … and you deserve the chance to get to know him.”
“Are you really going to throw that away?”
“Would you ever really forgive yourself?” asked Justin and he sighed again.
“Can’t you at least think about it?”
Looking down at him, Brian could clearly see in Justin’s face the passion he obviously felt about this and the love he
held for him. Brian hesitated for a moment as he acknowledged his own feelings at last and just how well Justin
knew him. Putting his arm around the smaller man’s shoulders, Brian drew him in.
“I’m not making any promises,” answered Brian, eventually and he saw Justin’s disappointed expression.
“Except … except that I am prepared … to think about it,” he continued and reaching up on tiptoes, Justin placed his
hands around the back of Brian’s neck and drew him down.
“That’s all I’m asking,” he smiled at him, before kissing him and then releasing Brian and withdrawing to his studio,
in order to give Brian time to think, but hoping he would want to pursue the task that Justin had started.
Justin knew that, in all honesty, the decision had to rest with Brian. Justin had considered contacting Patrick himself,
but had quickly realized that only Brian had the right to do that. But he hoped with all his heart that the man
wouldn’t let this opportunity pass him by.
Alone now in the living room, Brian poured himself out a much smaller shot this time and returned to the sofa.
What might he have to lose, Brian asked himself. In the past, the fear of rejection had resulted in his refusal to
acknowledge so many of his feelings; fears that thankfully, had mostly been overcome. But surely there always had
to be the remnants of a lingering doubt?
Mulling over what he’d achieved with his life, Brian knew he had so much to be thankful for. As he’d told his
mother, he had a loving partner, a wonderful son, a beautiful home and a thriving business. But he knew he’d missed
out on forming any kind of normal parental relationships and there was this gaping hole in his life.
The chances were that though he’d never be completely reconciled with Joan, there seemed to be so much more
hope on that score. His relationship with Jack was so much more understandable now, especially as the man was
probably aware Brian wasn’t his son. But then there was the question of Brian’s real father. Could Brian take the
risk of another rejection?
But wasn’t he stronger and more confident now than at any other time in his life: Stronger, confident and more able
to be accepting of the outcomes of any attempt to contact Patrick?
And, if he didn’t, would he not regret that he never tried?
How well Justin knew him, realizing that he was hesitating only because of his fear of rejection. Fears that even a
man in his forties apparently still hadn’t conquered entirely. But Brian’s desire to discover more about the man he
now knew to be his father had been gnawing at him since that evening with Joan.
Reaching for the coffee table, Brian powered up the laptop. He had, indeed, started to search for Patrick himself, but
had given up after a few red herrings and then, conveniently, had never found the time to continue.
But it would seem that Justin had done all the hard work and logging onto the link his partner had provided, it didn’t
take long for Brian to see what Justin had.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later that night, any annoyance on Brian’s part for Justin’s so-called interference had obviously dissipated well
before bed time. Their lovemaking, while it had lost none of its intensity, had evolved into an amazingly emotional
closeness as well as a physical one. The strength and longevity of their love reinforced time and time again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Days Later:
He’d picked up the phone twice and put it down again without dialing. But this time, gathering himself together
once more, Brian picked up the phone once more and punched out the numbers.
After the number had rung out a few times, disappointed, Brian was about to ring off when a breathless voice
answered him:
“Hello,”
“Mr. Kinney … Mr. Patrick Kinney?”
“Yes … that’s me.”
“Well … you don’t know me … but …”
“But I think I’m your son.”
Chapter 10
“Hello,”
“Mr. Kinney … Mr. Patrick Kinney?”
“Yes … that’s me.”
“Well … you don’t know me … but …”
“But I think I’m your son.”
Brian swallowed hard, the butterflies doing somersaults in his stomach and only now did he believe what he had just
said. But he heard a sigh of annoyance on the other end of the phone; not exactly the reaction he was hoping for.
“Look … I don’t know what your game is,” came the response.
“I don’t think you understand,” cut in Brian, in reply to the man‘s obvious irritation.
“Oh … I understand alright,” came back Patrick, unwilling to allow Brian to continue further. “But there’s no way
I’m your father …”
“Let me explain … my name is Brian Kinney …”
The man chuckled. “Do you know how many Kinney’s there are in the book?”
“Yes, I do,“ answered Brian, perhaps a little more forcefully than he‘d meant to. “There’s 54 in Pittsburgh alone,”
he continued, hating to have to admit, even to himself, that he’d actually looked that up and he heard Patrick hesitate
on the other end of the line before taking a breath.
“I repeat … there is no way I can be your father,” stated the older man, slowly and precisely.
“I’m very sorry … but you have the wrong person,” and with that, Patrick Kinney put down the phone.
Brian heard the buzz, but it took several moments for him to realize that the man had actually hung up on him.
Slowly, Brian replaced the phone and then sat back in his chair, a lump in his throat and a heavy feeling in the pit of
his stomach.
So, there you have it. Either this wasn’t the man he was seeking after all or, more likely, he simply just didn’t want
to know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin could tell something was wrong, immediately Brian came back down to the living room. It was Saturday
morning, Gus was outside with a few friends kicking a soccer ball around; the season would start again soon and all
the boys aimed to maintain their places on the team and wanted to get in some early practice.
Brian had gone up to his small office, saying he had a phonecall to make. He never said to whom, of course, but his
manner did make Justin suspicious. It was several days since he’d given Brian the information he’d found out about
Patrick and he knew Brian would want to mull it over before making any move, if in fact he ever would. But Brian’s
ill-disguised deflated manner as he came back downstairs told Justin he’d received the answer he’d least been
hoping for.
Brian caught Justin’s eye and saw how he was studying him. He never could get much passed the younger man and
looking up to face him, Brian shrugged.
“He said he couldn’t be my father.”
“He didn’t want to know me,” came the confirmation Justin had realized was likely and then Brian forced a smile.
“Can’t say I blame him … I’d probably react the same way.”
“If he only saw you …”
Brian shook his head. Certainly, the photograph of Patrick Kinney on his company’s website looked like an older
version of himself and, if they’d met, Patrick might have been forced to reconsider. But he hadn’t even entertained
the notion that he could be Brian’s father or given him the chance to explain further.
Justin momentarily closed his eyes and inwardly cursed himself for raking up history that probably should have
stayed buried after all.
“I’m sorry,” Justin told him, his heart breaking for his partner, as he moved closer and Brian shrugged again.
“Fuck him …” his voice trailed off, but Justin could tell that deep down, having found the man that, on the face of it
would indeed appear to be his father, only to be rejected out of hand, had left Brian deeply disappointed: It would
seem he just wasn’t meant to have any meaningful paternal relationship.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having just got back from his daily jog to hear the phone in the kitchen start ringing as he let himself in the back
door, Patrick wiped his face with the towel that was draped around his neck before answering. He might be 62, but
he was in remarkably good health and as young looking as any man at least ten years his junior. He was in great
shape and worked out at least twice a week at the gym as well as taking his run each day. And he had very little grey
hair; just a few streaks at the temples. And he had hazel eyes.
“Is everything alright?” asked Edward, Patrick’s assistant, who had been signing for a delivery at the front door and
unable to answer the phone in his employer‘s absence. Carrying the heavy box through to the kitchen, he’d found
Patrick in his running gear and, with his hand still resting on the receiver, frowning.
“Hmm?” came the vacant answer, as if the man hadn’t really heard the question and Patrick rubbed the bridge of his
nose with the back of his thumb.
“I couldn’t get to the phone in time,” explained his assistant further as he proceeded to open the box. “I keep telling
the driver to come around back … and he ignores me every time,” continued Edward, obviously annoyed.
“That’s alright Edward … it wasn’t anything important,” answered Patrick and still thoughtful, he moved to the
refrigerator and retrieved some bottled water. He eyed what Edward had placed on the kitchen table.
“Is that the Clos de la Roche?” asked Patrick as Edward pulled out a bottle to inspect the label.
“Yes … if everything is satisfactory, I’ll order more.”
Patrick chuckled. “At those prices, it better be,” he answered him, as he unscrewed the top of his water bottle.
“Oh … and, while you were on your run,” continued Edward. “Mrs. Andrews rang to thank you for the flowers.”
“I said you’d call her back.”
“Did you confirm the table at Giovanni’s?” asked Patrick after taking a swallow of water and Edward nodded.
“The best they had … and I also confirmed the string quartet you asked for.”
“Good,” smiled the older man. “A lady deserves a little spoiling on her birthday … can you make sure the car’s
ready for 7:00 … and I’ll be driving myself this evening.”
Edward nodded and, as he replaced the bottle and then picked up the box to take through to the store-room, he
inwardly grinned. ‘Driving myself’ usually meant an overnight stay and the lady whose birthday it was today had to
be twenty years junior to her companion for the evening and, probably, the night.
As P.A. come housekeeper, now in his mid-forties, Edward had worked for Patrick Kinney for the past ten years,
since his company had grown successfully and made him a very wealthy man, allowing Patrick to purchase quite the
sizeable piece of real-estate in which he now lived and enjoy an extremely comfortable lifestyle. That didn’t mean
the man had slowed down by much and still occasionally put in ten hour days at the office, though he did try and get
in at least one round of golf each week.
Edward had seen a procession of very beautiful women come and go in his employer’s life. “Love ‘em and leave
‘em” seemed to be the man’s motto. But Edward had always wondered why it was he’d never married. There was
certainly no question mark over the man’s sexuality; Edward was sure he would have picked up on that early on if
there was and Patrick’s sexual appetite had, apparently, not diminished with the passing of years, though
surprisingly, there were, apparently, no children from any of his liaisons.
Not unknown for his occasional romantic notions, Edward had wondered if, maybe, there had been someone in
Patrick’s past who had broken the man’s heart and had made him wary of forming relationships that lasted more
than a couple of months at a time. But one thing was for sure and that was there was never a shortage of desirable
women in Mr. Kinney’s life.
As Edward withdrew, Patrick looked back over to the phone again and frowned, rolling his lips into his mouth as he
did so. He then took another swallow from the bottle. That had to be one of the oddest phonecalls he’d ever had. But
considering his wealth, it wasn’t strange for someone in his position to be the target of a scam and that was what had
immediately come to mind. Patrick wasn‘t being flippant when he said he couldn‘t be the man‘s father; he believed
it. But what was weird was that the caller had mentioned Pittsburgh, the city of Patrick’s birth, but he hadn’t been
back to that city in over forty years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Mrs. Andrews is a very lucky lady“, stated Edward, referring to the attractive divorcee with whom Patrick was
dining that evening.
It was 6:45pm. and looking at Patrick’s reflection in the mirror, Edward helped the man on with his tux jacket and
smoothed out the shoulders. Freshly showered, shaved and wearing a dress shirt, still open at the collar and with the
bow tie waiting to be fixed, Patrick turned around to face Edward who automatically started to tie it for him; Patrick
hated fiddling with those things.
“That’s good of you to say so,” replied Patrick in answer to Edward’s statement and he saw him bite his lip, as if
wanting to say something further but decided otherwise. Which in itself was unusual; Edward wasn’t usually so
backward in coming forward.
“Out with it,” requested Patrick and Edward shrugged and raising his head, the man brought his eyes up to meet
Patrick’s bemused gaze.
“Oh … I was just thinking … she’s a very beautiful woman … you seem … very well suited.”
“Trying to marry be off … again?” suggested Patrick, smiling and Edward looked suitably horrified.
“As if I’d be that bold to sugggest …”
“It never stopped you in the past,” chuckled Patrick, not allowing Edward to finish.
“I have no desire to marry anyone,” confirmed the older man.
“Besides … she’s a lot younger me … I’m sure she wouldn’t want to get saddled with a man who could be her
father … just,” Patrick added.
“Oh … I don’t know,” ventured Edward, almost completing his task.
“Yeah … well let’s not worry about my love life … what about yours?”
“Is Peter coming over tonight?”
“Yes … he‘ll be over later,” came the answer and then Edward frowned. “That’s not a problem is it?” he asked him
and Patrick sighed.
“You know it isn’t … this is your home too,” reminded Patrick and having tied the tie, Edward moved over to the
bed to pick up the man’s toweling robe. He was never expected to automatically tidy up after Patrick, but that was
one of the reasons why he was always happy to, especially if the man was on his way out to an engagement or
occasionally running late for a meeting. Patrick didn’t take him for granted.
“So … how long is it now … you and Peter I mean?” continued Patrick and he pulled on his cuffs to make the
sleeves of his shirt comfortable beneath the jacket, as Edward disappeared into the bathroom to hang up the robe.
“Six months,” called out the other man in reply and returning to the bedroom, he hesitated in the doorway, frowning.
“Why is it your love life is out of bounds … and yet mine is open for discussion?” queried Edward.
Frank and good natured exchanges, though often uncommon between employer and employee, had become the
norm between the two men over the years and Patrick shrugged.
“Cos I’m the boss,” he told him, matter of factly and ignoring the other man‘s exasperated look. Patrick had rarely
needed to assert his authority where Edward was concerned and occasionally, the odd fly on the wall might have
wondered indeed who was working for whom, so casual could their banter be interpreted. And, in fact, Edward was
grateful the man felt so at ease with him; there were plenty who weren’t.
“So is it getting serious?” continued Patrick, as Edward moved further into the room and he saw the man shrug.
“I’m not sure … we’re just taking it one day at a time.”
Patrick liked Edward a lot and the feeling was mutual. Edward had worked for him for almost a month before
Patrick realized he was gay, but he had also quickly realized that the man’s sexuality had absolutely no bearing on
how he carried out his duties, which was extremely efficiently and with the utmost discretion. Patrick valued the
man’s advice enormously and he seemed to be skilled and knowledgeable about most things and invaluable in
ensuring he still didn’t make the odd blunder or two.
Patrick hadn’t always lived in such fine surroundings or mixed in the circles he now found himself moving in. He
was a self-made man from working class roots and while he’d never forgotten where he came from, Patrick had
enjoyed teaching himself about and learning to appreciate, expensive wines, designer clothes and top end cars and
possessions in general. Even now, he was still uncomfortable about being called Mr. Kinney, especially by Edward
in his own home and had soon told him that in private it was Patrick and that it should only be Mr. Kinney when he
was entertaining formally.
Having worked in other employment before, Edward had been a little fazed by this to begin with, but it soon became
evident that Patrick never considered himself superior to anyone else and Edward had really become as much friend
as employee. And, as such, the man had grown more comfortable in the last few years when it came to talking about
his own love life and about bringing anyone back to the house, though it was only ever anyone he considered
trustworthy enough. Patrick had a small, but reasonably valuable art collection and certainly liked to surround
himself with good quality possessions and Edward didn’t want to allow anyone into his employer’s home who
would jeopardize his position in Patrick’s trust. But Edward and Peter had grown ever closer in recent months and
the other man had become a regular visitor and more often than not when he did visit, had stayed over.
Patrick accepted he had no say in Edward’s life outside of this house, but also accepted the man was entitled to a
private life as long as his home was respected. But purely for selfish reasons, Patrick hated the thought of losing
him, should he ever decide to leave.
“Is Peter wanting you to move in together?” asked Patrick, his eyes narrowing and he rolled his lips into his mouth
as he realized he was asking the man a very personal question. He saw Edward shake his head. “We’re not lesbians,”
he answered him and then seeing Patrick’s look of confusion:
“There’s a joke,” explained Edward. “That goes … what does a lesbian do on the second date?” and he saw Patrick
shrug at the question.
“Move in,” came the answer and he saw Patrick frown.
“Don’t you want to live with him?” asked Patrick and then he put up his hand in acknowledging that he may have
overstepped the mark for certain this time.
“I’m sorry, that’s none of my business,” he continued. “Except to say … I’d miss you … if you decided to leave that
is.”
Edward had been waiting to see if Patrick needed anything else before he left for his engagement and hearing his
employer rue the time he might consider leaving his employ, Edward smiled.
“Thank you … and I’d miss … working here too,“ answered Edward, trying to avoid saying outright that he’d
certainly miss Patrick, not wanting his sentiments to be misconstrued, but he was sure the man knew in any case.
Edward shrugged.
“But that’s a long way off … if at all.”
“In the meantime … we’re just enjoying ourselves,” and he saw the unmistakable twinkle in Patrick’s eye and he
knew the man was about to rib him, as he often did, but always good naturedly.
“Well … as long as you watch out for the chandeliers,” Patrick grinned at him as he put on his watch and picked up
his wallet, handkerchief and cell phone from the top of the dresser.
Edward sighed and then grinned back.
“Oh we’ve perfected a new method now …”
Patrick put up his hand to stop him. “Thank you Edward … I won’t need you any more this evening,” he stated
quickly, putting an end to the conversation before it entered into the realms of too much information. And Edward
grinned even more widely as he moved towards the bedroom door. “You did ask,” he informed him and Patrick
couldn’t help smiling in acknowledgement as Edward moved out into the hallway.
“Edward,” called Patrick and hearing the other man’s voice, Edward halted, his hand still on the doorknob, and he
took a step backwards in response.
“How’s about you and Peter sample a bottle of that Clos de la Roche over dinner?” suggested Patrick.
“Then you can tell me whether it’s worth ordering more,” he continued.
“You trust me?” queried Edward, knowing how expensive the wine was, but the look Patrick gave him in return
confirmed as much. Edward also knew that Patrick’s offer was the man’s way off proffering a gift without saying as
much.
“Thanks … we’d love to,” smiled Edward and he closed the bedroom door behind him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian decided not to say anything to Joan about trying to contact Patrick; he didn’t see what good it would do either
of them to re-open old wounds further. Patrick was in both their pasts and there was no point in looking back and
Brian resolved to leave him there.
A few days after the phonecall however, and when Brian had had time to recover from it, Justin had asked, gently, if
he’d think about trying Patrick again, stating he might just have caught the man at a bad time. Brian had shaken his
head. Patrick’s response had seemed pretty final to him, there was nothing to be gained in repeating his call. Even if
Patrick was his father, obviously the man wasn’t open to being contacted.
“He’s probably got his family to consider,” Brian had shrugged and Justin had slipped his arms around the man’s
waist.
“But you’re family too,” he’d told him, only for Brian to shake his head again and lean down to kiss him.
“I already have all the family I need,” Brian had told him earnestly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joan had done as she’d promised and right after the Christmas break, had formally dropped any claim to Gus’
guardianship. Gus had resumed visiting Grandma Joan, who for the time being was still living with Claire, and she
continued to progress nicely after her heart attack. Brian tried to drop by at least once a week and they both
consciously made an effort to call each other every few days and so far, so good. They were actually starting to talk.
Joan seemed so much more content and less edgy these days and, as a consequence, even Claire was becoming more
amenable. Having first asked Brian’s permission, Joan related to her daughter, the story of her relationship with
Patrick, Claire’s uncle, though a man for whom she had no recollection. To say Claire was shocked by her mother’s
revelations was an understatement. But suddenly, Joan wasn’t just a mother any more, though of course there were
many times in the past when she‘d hardly fulfilled that role. But now she was a woman too, with emotions and
failings and one with whom Claire could now relate to so much more.
Unbelievably, the splintered family that had once been the Kinney’s seemed to be growing closer every day, with
increased understanding and affection. Miracles do happen, it would seem and it would also seem that Brian was
getting back his sister as well as his mother. After all, they had been close at one time, as children; children in fear
of their lives from a hard-drinking father, clinging together, hiding in the dark.
So, just when you think things have settled down and life for the Kinney/Taylor’s gets back to its usual, albeit
sometimes chaotic normality, and in fact getting better all the time and evolving since the enormous changes that
had occurred over recent months, something was bound to come along and bite them in their collective asses once
more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daphne had called and said she’d like to meet Justin for lunch if he could make it. She‘d made a point of saying she
was working so wouldn‘t be able to get out to the house, so could they meet at a restaurant in town during her lunch
break. She‘d tried to make it sound casual rather than a formal request to meet on neutral territory, but Justin knew
his oldest friend too well. He hadn’t liked to ask her what was wrong over the phone however, as he much preferred
talking to her face to face. But his heart almost broke in two when she told him why she wanted to see him and he
understood now why she’d been so quiet that time after returning from her honeymoon, where obviously a
discussion had taken place and had seemingly continued since that time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian was knee-deep in copy and boards for the Henderson Electronics campaign. They were arranged around his
office at Kinnetik in order of their release dates and though he was pretty confident he had a handle on it, the
deadline for the first airing was drawing ever closer and their continuity was paramount for its success.
Through the open doorway, he thought he heard Justin’s voice asking if he were busy, but before his P.A. could
answer, Brian stepped outside.
“Never that busy,” smiled Brian and at the sound of his voice, Justin turned around to face him. Brian blinked and
the smile quickly faded.
“Are you okay?” he asked him, frowning and as he crossed the short distance between them. But the expression on
Justin‘s face confirmed his suspicions. The younger man shook his head but said nothing.
When they’d entered Brian’s office, Brian closed the door behind them. He contemplated retrieving the bottle of
scotch from his desk drawer, but these days he was a little too responsible for that; they both had to drive home later.
Instead, he headed for the coffee pot on the hot plate and poured out two strong cups. He handed one to Justin.
“Okay … this has something to do with your lunch with Daphne,” stated Brian, knowing what his partner’s plans
had been for the day and that Justin’s agitation and dismay could only have something to do with Soleil.
“This has to be John’s way at getting at me,” stated Justin, repeating to Brian the words he’s spoken earlier to
Daphne and then he proceeded to give him the gist of their earlier conversation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daphne had tried to persuade him otherwise, she honestly didn’t believe that was the case herself, but knowing the
distrust and distance that sometimes still existed between the John and Justin, she could understand Justin’s reasons
for thinking that was so.
“Maybe he just wants Soleil to know she’s part of the family … his family,” suggested Brian after Justin had
finished his heartfelt account, but he struggled to find an explanation the younger man could accept, and his partner
only shook his head in despair.
“But she’s part of my family … our family too,” stated Justin, vehemently. “Don’t we have as much right in this as
they do?”
Putting down his cup, Brian crossed the floor to where Justin was standing by one of the boards, still holding the
drink he’d yet to taste. And when he reached him, he took the cup from Justin’s hand and placed it on his desk.
Reaching out, his put his arm around the younger man’s shoulders and drew him closer.
“Whatever you decide to do in this … you know I’ll back you all the way,” Brian told him and Justin nodded and
then considered Brian’s words.
“Go for sole custody you mean?” he asked him.
“I’m not sure … that or residency maybe,” shrugged Brian. “So that she’s with us the majority of the time and not
with Daphne and John.”
Justin sighed. “I don’t know … I don’t know if I want to put my daughter through that,” he admitted. “Maybe even
making her have to choose …”
“I know,” came back Brian. “But if that’s what you decide to do … I’ll back you.”
“So … will you sound her out about it?” asked Brian. Justin nodded. “Yeah … But I’ll talk to Daphne first … I have
to be up front with her … but I think I will.”
“But would you be okay with that?” asked Justin. “Having Soleil with us I mean?”
“On a full-time basis?”
Smiling Brian nodded and pulled Justin in even closer. Justin had been there so many times for him in the recent
months through the business with Joan and Gus and then regarding Patrick. He was glad of the opportunity to
support him in return.
“Soleil’s a great kid … she’s your daughter,” stated Brian. “Which in turn … makes her part of me too,” he told
him. Justin smiled up at him, remembering again why he loved this man. But then he frowned, sighed and moved
away.
“But … aren’t I being selfish?”
“After all … look what we just went through … with Gus and Joan … look what it did to us,” pointed out Justin, but
the older man had shaken his head.
“That was different.”
“You’re Soleil’s father … it’s not like you skipped town and wanted to have nothing to do with her,” answered
Brian and Justin had nodded in agreement.
“Okay … I’ll go for it,” he told him.
When Daphne had told Justin of John’s plans to adopt Soleil, Justin couldn’t believe his ears and that they would
actually do that to him.
“Because if she takes anyone’s name … it’s gonna be mine,” emphasized Justin, earnestly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To Justin’s credit, he didn’t want to get lawyers involved unless he had to of course and he laid out his objections to
Daphne and John, to John’s apparent intention to adopt Soleil and to give her his name. That was just one step too
far.
In her heart of hearts, Daphne couldn’t help agreeing with him. As much as she wanted John to acknowledge that
Soleil was a permanent feature in their lives, she knew how much it would hurt Justin to know his daughter would
carry John’s name if the adoption went through.
“It’ll be like I’ve abandoned her,” insisted Justin, much to John’s annoyance when Justin insisted they all meet up.
Justin informed Daphne that he would register his objection officially if he had to. He was Soleil’s father and she
had to feel secure in knowing how much he loved her.
It took a lot of persuasion over several days, but eventually, Daphne managed to get John to agree not to proceed
any further. Soleil remaining as Soleil Chanders was one thing, but it did actually make Justin think: How would
Soleil react if, in fact, she took his name and became Soleil Taylor instead?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin had found the whole situation between himself and Daphne exhausting. He hated being at odds with his
friend, especially over their daughter. But a part of him still harbored regrets that he’d been denied access to Soleil
for so many years and though he tried, he would never be able to forgive Daphne entirely for that.
Soleil and Justin continued to grow ever closer; Daphne would be blind not to see it. Soleil and her father appeared
to have a rapport that Soleil and John had, so far, been unable to achieve. And it wasn’t because Justin was more
indulgent. He seemed to find the right balance between discipline and indulgencies. He set boundaries, Soleil
understood them and loved and respected him for it. She knew exactly where she stood with him and that was more
than how she felt with her mother’s husband.
Soleil, never having learned of John’s aborted intentions to adopt her, had, in actual fact, never felt entirely accepted
by him. But no mere name change would ever alter that.
Being pretty astute, she’d soon picked up on the atmosphere that existed between John and Justin and had suspected
a certain amount of rivalry between them, though she couldn’t quite work that out, with her dad being gay. But she
knew the two men weren’t comfortable in each other’s company, that much had always been pretty obvious.
Justin, however, reached the decision that he wouldn’t yet broach the subject of name changing. It wouldn’t be fair
to put Soleil through that at her age. But knowing how upset Justin had been at the mere mention of it played on
Daphne’s conscience and from that point on, whenever Justin had asked for access to Soleil, it was never denied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To Gus’ delight, he’d been an automatic choice for the soccer team when the season recommenced; it would seem
he took after Brian enormously when it came to soccer skills and although the game doesn’t have the same
following in the U.S. as it does abroad, professional players could still make a good living and scouts were always
on the prowl for the US and European teams, even for youngsters of Gus‘ tender years.
Gus was growing taller and filling out every day. And he was a looker, especially popular with every girl in his class
and, in fact, in general, and always in demand, though for the moment at least, he still remained entirely dedicated to
his sport.
Brian had once considered he’d never be able to fulfill the role of father; his beliefs founded on the rocky and often
violent relationship he’d had with Jack Kinney. But watching his son undertake any task, whether it be playing
soccer, doing his homework, playing with some video game or interacting with Justin or Soleil, filled him with the
utmost love and pride, and Brian now wondered why he’d ever had those doubts. After all, Lindsay must have seen
something in him other than those perfect genes, when she’d asked him to father her and Mel’s child. If only he’d
trusted himself earlier. Justin had, back in those early days before he’d let that particular man get away from him
and it would seem that others had more faith in him than he had in himself. But not now. Now, Brian could stand tall
in every role he undertook; that of father and partner. Who would have thought it back then? Even his role as a son
had taken on a more positive note since his relationship with Joan continued to improve; mother and son growing
more comfortable in each other’s presence all the time, leaving only one part of the puzzle missing. A part which, at
this point in Brian’s life would seem never to be fulfilled. But how life can change in the blink of an eye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unbelievably, Spring break had rolled around again. Easter was reasonably early this year, but already, the weather
had shown signs of improvement every day. They’d talked about getting away this year; Florida maybe, or even
Mexico, now that Justin’s own business was attracting regular work and he was making substantial contributions
towards the running of the house and their lifestyle.
Brian’s business was growing all the time and Ted was constantly telling him he needed to do something with the
money and recommended opening up another branch. He’d suggested further west maybe this time, but at least do
something with the money that meant they weren’t giving the IRS any more than they had to.
“Dallas … Huston?” suggested Justin and Brian gave him a long look. They’d not mentioned Patrick again, though
Justin would be willing to bet a month’s income that Brian hadn’t forgotten the man entirely.
“Wrong color state,” answered Brian.
“All the more reason to get in there and make a go of it,” came back Justin.
“Wasn’t it you who said there’s nothing that ticks straight people off more than a successful fag?” he continued and
Brian frowned.
“Yeah … I believe I do recall something like that,” admitted the older man.
“But is that the only reason … for opening up an office in Texas I mean?” asked Brian.
“I don’t know what you mean,” frowned Justin, mentally crossing his fingers behind his back. “But it’s worth
looking into … isn’t it?” and he saw Brian frown back at him.
“I’ll run it passed Ted in the morning,” agreed Brian.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The longer he thought about it, the more his curiosity was roused, having heard his name and the city of his birth
both mentioned during the course of a phone call totally out of the blue and from a complete stranger.
Like his generation, it had taken some persuasion for Patrick to begin using the internet himself, though of course
his company had been using computers for years and now he wouldn‘t be without them. Using the various search
engines available, had eventually led Patrick to discover Brian Kinney, CEO of Kinnetik, a well established and ever
growing advertising company with offices in both Pittsburgh and New York. It would also appear that the company
was held in high regard within the advertising world for its ballsy approach to the campaigns it undertook.
From the information available, it was evident that Brian Kinney, a Pittsburgh native, was very successful and
extremely talented in his chosen field, having won various awards dating back almost 15 years, including Ad Person
of the Year, when he first worked for Ryder Advertising before eventually venturing out on his own.
Indeed, Brian Kinney was one of the most successful businessmen in Pittsburgh and was also involved with several
charities. There was even a picture of him in a local Pittsburgh rag, albeit taken a couple of years ago, presenting a
check at the Gay and Lesbian Center.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Determined to keep the weekends free for their kids had more recently meant working a little later in the evening
during the week for both Brian and Justin. Justin was considering taking on extra help at least part time and Ted was
exploring the viability of starting up another branch of Kennetik, possibly in Texas this time, much to the man’s
surprise but also, delight.
Consequently, this Friday evening around 8:00pm., Justin had only just completed his work in time for the deadline.
In the morning, he was picking Soleil up and she’d be spending the weekend. She would normally come over on
Friday after school, but tonight, she had a birthday party to attend and would sleepover. Gus had done his homework
and had eaten a meal Rosa had left for him, realizing how busy Justin was, and the youngster had gone up to his
room to watch tv.
Glad to be able to leave the studio for the weekend, tired and a little stiff from the time spent bent over the computer,
Justin made his way downstairs to the kitchen, having first looked in on Gus. Brian had called to say he was just
leaving, so at least they could eat together and, with the pasta cooking and a bottle of red wine opened to breathe,
Brian arrived; thankful for the end of a busy working week and glad to get home to his family.
Having taken off his jacket and tie, Brian made his way into the kitchen and approached Justin quietly from behind.
The younger man was draining the pasta over the sink when he felt the arms snake around his waist and he gasped
and closed his eyes as hot breath hit the back of his neck. Justin’s gasp turned into a low moan as that breath was
replaced by hot, moist lips.
“Are you hungry?” whispered Brian into the smaller man’s ear and Justin felt the man harden against the back of his
thigh. “That depends what’s on offer,” came the husky reply and leaving the pasta draining into the saucepan in the
sink, Justin turned around in Brian’s arms.
But Brian was hungry; hungry for Justin’s mouth and their lips locked together in a fierce kiss: bodies melting into
one another’s, breath hot and breathing heavily, lips parting to allow tongues to explore; sucking and licking, both
men growing ever harder; their mutual attraction undiminished and, in fact, leaving them wanting each other more
and more each day. Eventually, Brian groaned; they had a teenage boy upstairs and although Brian and Justin
weren’t afraid to show affection in front of him, anything further could prove to be rather embarrassing.
“I guess we should wait until Gus is in bed,” breathed Brian, disappointed but resigned and he heard Justin sigh in
agreement and, it was at that point, that they were further interrupted by the doorbell.
Brian groaned. “I think it’s a conspiracy,” declared the older man.
“I’ll get rid of them,” stated Justin and managing to disentangle himself from Brian’s grasp, he begrudgingly headed
for the front door.
Opening the door, but before Justin had a chance to speak, Brian, wondering who could be calling at this time and
having looked at his watch, had followed on closely behind.
“Good evening … I’m looking for Brian Kinney … I’m …”
“Who is it?” asked Brian, placing his hand on Justin’s shoulder before stepping into the doorway and into view.
Justin had remained silent; stunned in fact at the discovery of their visitor, whose opening words had been
interrupted by Brian’s appearance. An appearance so like his own that even the photograph he’d seen earlier hadn’t
come close enough. Surely there could be no mistake after all.
Brian blinked, unable to find his voice. Indeed, the other man struggled himself before finally declaring:
“I’m Patrick Kinney …”
Chapter 11
Seeing Brian’s photograph in the newspaper article had shaken him: It was like looking at himself twenty years
younger.
It will probably turn out that Brian Kinney was, more likely, a distant relative, rationalized Patrick though he was
beginning to realize why this man had phoned him, if he genuinely did believe him to be his father and he cursed
himself for being so disinterested and dismissing the call out of hand. He probably should have taken it more
seriously.
Over the following days, Patrick had been continually drawn back to Brian’s photograph and his growing curiosity
was enough to consider initially putting a PI on the case.
Could he really have a son? A son of whom he had absolutely no knowledge? The idea was absurd, but the likeness
was so striking, he decided it couldn’t be ignored after all. And, having made the decision that he couldn’t ignore the
possibilities any longer, he knew he had to act and would do so himself; deciding it had taken him too long to do
something as it was.
Patrick uncovered Brian’s home address in much the same manner Justin had discovered his. However, for the first
time in a long time, his schedule was full and he just couldn’t get away.
But, at the first opportunity, Patrick cleared his calendar, booked his flight and then flew into Pittsburgh, booked
himself into a hotel and then rented a car. He’d made his way out to the house, but had driven past twice without
stopping and making contact and ended up parked in the curb up the street, sitting in the half-light, trying to decide
what to do next. Then, as the daylight was quickly fading, he saw the man he was sure was Brian Kinney pull up
onto the drive, for by the light from the porch, he couldn’t fail to make out his features.
Giving Brian a chance to get indoors, taking a very deep breath and steeling himself, Patrick got out of the car and
made his way up the drive, hesitating only momentarily before ringing the doorbell.
He’d assumed the man he took to be Brian Kinney would answer the door, but in truth, he didn’t really know what
to expect; the brief information on Kinnetik’s site never mentioned whether Brian had any family or not. Patrick
hadn’t given a thought to who else might be in the house and was momentarily surprised when the door was opened
by a younger man. Then he‘d heard another voice and a taller, older man had stepped into view. Brian.
“I know it’s probably getting a little late,” continued Patrick eventually, and as much to break the heavy silence as
anything. He looked from Brian to Justin and back again, hoping his unexpected arrival on the man’s doorstep
wouldn‘t be too much of a shock and that he wouldn‘t just tell him where to go.
“But I saw the lights on … and then you arrive home …” continued Patrick further, his voice trailing off as he
continued to stare at Brian.
It was Justin who seemed to recover first and he stepped backwards, forcing Brian to also move from the spot he’d
apparently been rooted to and Justin felt Brian’s hand slip from his shoulder as he too had finally realized who was
standing on his doorstep.
“I think you’d better come in,” invited Justin and managing a slight smile, Patrick stepped in through the doorway.
“Thank you,” and he’d turned to face Brian straight on; the two men barely three feet apart and Brian found himself
staring into those hazel eyes. Eyes that hadn’t missed the similarity to their own.
“I’m assuming it was you who called me?” asked Patrick and trying to regain his senses, Brian nodded.
“I’m sorry I didn’t listen … we obviously need to talk,” he continued and Brian nodded again, attempting to gather
his thoughts together and decide what the hell he was going to say to the man now he had this unexpected
opportunity.
Justin led the way to the living room with Patrick following and Brian bringing up the rear. To say the atmosphere
was strained would be an understatement. But that wasn’t surprising considering the circumstances; two men, father
and son, only now meeting for the very first time as adults.
Determined not to be overwhelmed with the situation, Brian managed to maintain an appearance of calm, while
doing his utmost to ignore his stomach churning in anticipation. Despite his reaction on the telephone, Patrick was
apparently open to discussion after all, otherwise why had he made the journey here? But for the life of him, at this
moment, Brian couldn’t think of one single thing to ask him. Or even know if he now actually welcomed the
meeting; after deciding the past was best left in the past and fearing the wounds that might yet be opened after all.
Patrick was also trying to curb his nerves and his excitement. Brian was his height, his coloring and general build,
though Patrick was a little heavier and a little greyer now, in his early sixties. But Brian’s similarity to himself had
to mean there was something in their genes to connect them more closely than he’d initially dared to think. And he
was beginning to wonder if indeed this man could be his son. That would be beyond his wildest dreams.
Almost exactly the same thoughts were running through Brian’s mind. Seeing the small photograph of Patrick on his
company’s website was one thing, but meeting the man in the flesh, now he realized what his mother had meant;
watching her son grow up to be the image of his biological father. Bringing home to Joan every day her deceit and
infidelity. The man’s hair was thinning and receding a little, but otherwise their likeness couldn’t be ignored; even
Brian could see it. Patrick surely was his father.
Having led them into the living room, standing in front of the fireplace, Justin turned to face the two men and he
fought back the urge to gasp. Brian, walking slowly passed Patrick’s shoulder as he came further into the room, was
unmistakably of the same mould. Even if no-one knew the probable link between them, for anyone meeting them for
the first time, it would have been so easy to take them as father and son, even to the point of Justin recognizing one
of Brian’s mannerisms as he watched Patrick as the man rolled his lips into his mouth as he hesitated, wondering
whether he should speak first and deciding that as he‘d taken the decision to follow up on the initial contact, that it
probably was down to him.
“I realize how awkward this must be,” confessed Patrick and he watched Brian run his hand through his hair,
something Patrick recognized he also did from time to time.
“But I did a little digging … and here I am,” continued the older man.
“Here you are,” echoed Brian, looking over at him and finally finding his voice, and ignoring a glance from Justin,
who couldn‘t be sure, but thought he heard a note of sarcasm in his tone.
“Please take a seat,” offered Justin, as Brian seemed to have temporarily lost his manners and Patrick nodded in
thanks and sat down on the sofa.
“Can I offer you coffee?” asked Justin, in an attempt to make Patrick feel more at ease and lift the tension with a
little small talk; something neither he nor Brian had ever been terribly good at, if truth be known. Looking up at him,
Patrick smiled. “Thank you …” he hesitated and Justin, realizing Patrick probably wouldn’t know who he was,
decided to introduce himself.
“I’m Justin … Justin Taylor,” smiled the younger man and Patrick smiled back.
“It’s nice to meet you Justin,” stated Patrick and he looked from Justin over to Brian and, to the two other men, it
was obvious he was trying to determine their relationship, seeing how familiar Brian obviously was with Justin as
he’d joined the younger man in the front doorway.
“Justin’s my partner,” stated Brian, flatly. Unexpectedly, he stepped closer to Justin and slipped an arm around his
waist, drawing him in close. Brian’s openly affectionate behavior in front of someone who, to all intents and
purposes was still a stranger, initially confused Justin. Unless of course the man was trying to deliberately provoke a
reaction. Maybe he was testing Patrick, wondered Justin suddenly. Knowing Brian from old, it wouldn’t be unlike
him to deliberately put obstacles in Patrick’s way; almost giving the man an immediate reason to dislike him: An
excuse Brian could use for when his relationship with his father failed to materialize. Some old fears and habits
would never die, it seemed.
Seeing Brian so obviously demonstrate an intimacy with Justin, Patrick had blinked, but otherwise failed to react,
though he couldn’t help noticing now that both men appeared to be wearing matching wedding bands. He also
couldn’t fail to see Brian’s defiant pose in that jutted out jaw. He seemed to be waiting for Patrick to respond,
realized the older man who acknowledged there was obviously a lot about this man he didn’t know, but Patrick
hoped to rectify that situation. But before Patrick could say anything, Justin had moved a step away from Brian’s
hold and turning, Justin looked up at the taller man.
“I’ll get that coffee … would you help me, Brian?”
Brian opened his mouth as if to question Justin’s request, but seeing the look in those now steely blue eyes boring
into him, Brian excused himself and followed Justin out to the kitchen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“What?” asked Brian, at Justin’s yet unspoken question and having pushed the door to the kitchen almost closed
behind them.
“Why the hell do you do that?” came the exasperated response from the younger man as Justin tried to keep his
voice low. He made for the coffee pot on the hot plate. It hadn’t been made too long ago and was still very
drinkable. He reached up into the cupboard above the counter for the china.
“Do what?” asked Brian innocently, his arms extended at his sides and he saw, and heard, Justin place the cups and
saucers on a tray, probably a little more heavily than he should.
“You know damn well what I mean,” stated Justin, now reaching for the coffee pot and he poured out three drinks.
“I’m gay … we‘re gay, Justin,” exclaimed Brian. “If he can’t live with that … that’s too bad.”
“Are you saying I should be ashamed of who I am?”
“You’re asking me that?” demanded Justin, turning around to face him, still with coffee pot in hand. And of course,
Brian couldn’t answer him.
“I know where you’re coming from … and I know it shouldn’t make any difference.”
“But it’s like you’re deliberately setting Patrick up to hate you … without giving him a chance to get to know you,”
stated Justin, voicing his earlier thoughts, and replacing the coffee pot, he headed for the refrigerator and retrieving a
carton, he poured the cream into a small jug.
“What do you expect me to do?” challenged Brian, not for the first time realizing Justin knew him only too well.
Placing the milk jug on the tray, Justin picked it up and turned to face him.
“He‘s obviously decided he could be your father after all,” stated Justin. “Otherwise why would he fly in all the way
from Texas to meet you?”
“Just … just give the guy a chance,” pleaded Justin.
“Don’t set him up to fail.”
“Don’t set the both of you up to fail,” he elaborated, desperately wanting Brian not to throw this opportunity away.
Momentarily, Brian closed his eyes. He could see how much Justin wanted this for him and the younger man was
right. Of course it shouldn’t matter that he was gay, but most men would probably welcome a little notice of that in
order to get used to the idea rather than have it shoved down their throat at the very first opportunity.
Almost reaching the kitchen door, Justin hesitated and turned back.
“I’ll serve coffee and then leave you to it … unless you want me to stay?“ asked Justin. Brian frowned and then
nodding, reached up to affectingly stroke the back of Justin‘s neck. Asking for help never was his strong suit, but
having some morale support would be welcome. “If you want to,“ answered Brian, which for most people would
translate to: “I’d like that.” Justin, hearing the words, but also feeling the hand that lingered on his neck and
understanding Kinney code, smiled his confirmation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Returning to the living room, Justin placed the tray on the coffee table, but Brian headed for the side table, deciding
under the circumstances that he really wanted something a little stronger instead and he picked up the bottle of
Beam.
“Patrick?” asked Brian as he turned around and proffered the bottle to their visitor. He’d hesitated before addressing
the man. Mr. Kinney would be way too formal, but dad was unthinkable. Patrick shook his head at the offer. “I’m
driving … thanks,” he answered him, still trying to control his nerves and, having been refused, Brian poured
himself out a healthy shot.
Handing Patrick his coffee, Justin picked up his own and then took his seat at the other end of the sofa and watched
his partner