The prilian - Gonzaga College High School

The
Mayonaise 2011
Volume 73, Number 6
prilian
Brought to you each May!
Gonzaga College High School
Delivering the Bitness Since 1821
Statue Hubbub Causes Campus Crisis
By: Chris Hutson ‘11
a.k.a. Mark Felt
In a recent interview,
Gonzaga
statues,
monuments, and tributes
said they either felt “horribly
about the new eagle statue
just yards away.
Reporters caught the
“Spirit of Gonzaga” stone,
located near the breezeway,
just moments before it was
throughout Dooley Hall
have not yet heard of the
new statue, but rumor has
it that Father Rokusek is
organizing a major statue
rebellion to “go out with a
bang.” Sources say that the
nameplates on every door
and window of Gonzaga
are planning to boycott
the commemoration of
benefactors if something
is not done soon. Some
nameplates say they will
swap names to “teach
us a lesson.” Others will
scramble all their letters
to confuse those who are
reading it, though they
strongly doubt anyone even
has claimed that the cause of
all the comotion is “a prank
by Mr. Pakenham to try to
take back the Headmaster
role.” Apparently, he is in
cahoots with Fr. Rokusek.
Aquilian detective Chris
Hutson has uncovered the
details of the operation
through questioning Fr.
Rokusek’s assistant, Mrs.
Mulieri. She said Fr.
Rokusek and Mr. Pakenham
sent in the eagle statue to
incite a statue revolution.
Gonzaga would become
engulfed in chaos, and Mr.
Pakenham could arrive as the
“knight in shining armor,”
save the day, re-capture
38.901603,-77.00987
Inside
Ping Pong Master
Pg. 609
Extreme Napping
Pg. Friday
forgotten”
or
“totally
ignored” after the unveiling
of the Eagles’ Wings statue
in the quadrangle.
“I mean for gosh sakes!
I’ve been up on this wall for
years,” said the Fr. Pedro
Aruppe tribute in Ruesch
Hall, “and no one gives a rat’s
@*$ about my ‘bronze finish’
or ‘expert craftsmanship.’
I mean, *&#@, at least an
acknowledgement once and
a while would be nice.”
Similarly, the bust of St.
Ignatius of Loyola on the
steps from the quadrangle
into Cantwell Hall was
“pretty tired” of all the noise
about to hurl itself off its
stand. “Nobody understands
me,” said the 190 year-old
rock, “It’s all ‘Eagle Statue
this’ and ‘Eagle Statue
that.’”
Gonzaga special police
had to restrain the statue of
Coach Kozik from setting
booby traps against those
rushing through the Carmody
Center lobby to touch or get
pictures with the eagle. “Kids
used to want to get pictures
next to me. Now this bird
comes along, and he’s taking
all my glory. Phssh! ‘Starting
a tradition’ my %#$.”
Luckily, the memorials
Only Fish in the Anacostia
Pg. Optimus Prime
reads those anymore.
The plaque that dedicates
the quadrangle to Mr. Collins
the Headmaster’s Office,
and reward Fr. Rokusek’s
efforts by appointing him
President.
“That’s some #%$#&,”
said the Eagles’ Wings statue
when questioned about the
recent events. I think the
bottom line here is we all
need to pay a little attention
to the other memorials
around Gonzaga. Otherwise,
we might be singing ‘Long
Live Pakenham’ before class
every day.”
For the third and final
time: I.M. Chris Hutson
Fake Burger vs. Pg. -13
The Aprilian | Page Heisenburg
Warp Into Time Travel
Will Speros ‘11
Follow @superspero
It was a regular Friday
afternoon when Dr. Warman
made a shocking discovery. He
was sitting in his classroom,
memorizing
information
from old yearbooks in order
to stay fresh on Gonzaga
trivia. He had just cracked
open the 2002 yearbook and
began scanning the page,
highlighting the GDA’s
production of “42nd Street,”
when he realized something
was amiss. The largest photo
on the page was of our very
own Mr. Hamm gracing the
stage with his talent. There
was just one problem-Doc was
certain he had never seen this
photo before. Positive that
something was not right, he
searched through a multitude
of yearbooks and made
another shocking discovery,
this time involving Mr.
Sampugnaro. A photo of Mr.
Sampugnaro now graced the
1989 yearbook, but there was
one bizarre detail--a haircut. Something was certainly not
right, so Doc rushed to the
JDR and found Hamm and
Sampugnaro sitting in the
corner together with devious
smirks on their faces. Without hesitation, Doc Cantwell, leading him to the
sat down and told them corner with a few copying
everything,
eventually machines. “Here’s the story,”
Sampugnaro began. He and
Mr. Hamm explained to Doc
that over the course of the
past several months, both of
them had been developing
a fully-functional time
machine out of one of
the copiers with their
accomplice, Mrs. Corgan. They explained how they
had used the machine as
an opportunity to go back
and correct past mistakes
they had at Gonzaga. Mr.
Hamm traveled back to
closing night of “42nd
Street” to fix a flubbed line
pleading with them to help that had originally caused the
rid him of this stress. The photographer to storm out of
instant he finished his spiel, the performance.
Hamm and Sampugnaro
Mr.Sampugnaro traveled
exchanged looks, and then back to one of his early
Mr. Hamm simply uttered: years at Gonzaga to cut his
“Follow us.”Both men led hair so as to ensure a job
Doc to the faculty lounge in
in the English department. Doc was appalled, and had
kept this a terrible secret
until recently when Junior
Michael Ledecky was roped
into Mr. Hamm and Mr.
Sampugnaro’s scheme so he
could return to freshman year
to retake a World Cultures
test. Ledecky made copies
of each photo in the Aquilian
office. It is our privilege
to publish these previously
concealed images.
We Caught You Ledecky
Andrew Hayden ‘11
Undercover Brother
WASHINGTON, D.C.—
Sources confirmed yesterday
that Gonzaga junior Michael
Ledecky has been working as
a paid spy for The Washington
Post. Since he stepped onto
Eye Street in 2008, The
Aquilian editor has received
large wire transfers directly
to his Smartrip, SAGE card,
and EZ Pass. It is even
rumored that he has traveled
internationally to destinations
including the Dominican
Republic, Guatemala, and
Kenya to gain inside summer
service intel.
The Aquilian
Founded In 1940
Gonzaga College HIgh School
19 Eye Street NW
Washington, DC 20001
[email protected]
Chillin’ Out, Maxin’, and Relaxing
all cool Since 1821
A two year classmate of
Ledecky’s in Madame Saliba’s
French 3, sophomore Conor
Smith said, “I always knew he
was up to something.” Smith
also reported that he regularly
sees Michael rushing into
class every day in a hurry,
“acting very suspicious.”
Ledecky has other ties
Generals
Andrew Hayden ‘11
Will Speros ‘11
Admirals
Sean Hayden ‘11
Michael Ledecky ‘12
Battlefield Captains
Brooks Reagan ‘11
Nick Vitale ‘13
to Washington that have
allowed him to gain access to
secret meetings and political
discussions as he is a graduate
of
the Ambassadorship
Training Program of the
United States Holocaust
Memorial Museum, where
he apparently wrote “scripts”
and filmed videos for so called
“museum programs.”
These ins have given
The Washington Post
a slight edge over The
Aquilian in recent years as
they were able to publish
developing stories in a
much shorter time frame.
Ledecky has taken after
espionage greats such as
Robert Hanson, who also
failed to shake Gonzaga’s
finest in the past. Michael
was seen making “drops”
in Great Falls Park and
along Rock Creek that just
so happens to have a hidden
extension under the campus
at Eye Street. Word has
it that Ledecky has even
impersonated Coach K at
Duke Basketball practices
to get the latest report for
the Post on Gonzaga Alum
Tyler Thornton. Most of
this evidence is highly
classified, but the staff of
The Aquilian has released
the photo below that was
discovered using a unique
and innovative searching
system
called
“Google
Images.” The staff members
of The Aquilian offered these
words to Michael, “We got
you Michael Ledecky, we got
you.”
MIA
Nick Coates ‘11
Army Intelligence
John Begala ‘11
PT Boat
Brad Riehle ‘12
Eye In the Sky
Jordan Person ‘14
USO: Dr. Harry Rissetto
The Aprilian | Page Filibuster
Courtyard Squeak Disappears
By: Michael Ledecky ‘12
Canadian Correspondent
Since the turn of the
century, Gonzaga students
walking in between classes
have often paused at the
center of the courtyard and
clapped their hands in order
to hear a faint squeaking
noise. However, in recent
weeks, the squeak has
disappeared. No longer can
students perceive the slight
yet reassuring sound that
echoes back from all corners
of the quadrangle.
Since 2009, the prevailing
theory behind the squeak
was that the sound waves
generated by claps bounced
off the circular curb and
surrounding buildings. This
theory was disproven by
Mr. Mark Howell and his
advanced pre-calculus class.
“Our study of clappingproduced
trigonometric
sound waves revealed that
the vibrational resonance of
the surrounding architecture
could not have possibly
produced the squeak,” said
Mr. Howell.
This has left only one
viable theory. During the
millennial
renovations,
hordes of moles buried into
the soft Gonzaga topsoil. Yes,
the squeak is not produced by
mole enthusiast Mr. Gregory
Knowles.
“The sensitive
ears of the male moles in
the vicinity detect the sound,
and the moles are prompted
to respond with squeaking
noises.”
What has silenced
“I imagine that the
moles couldn’t stand living
next to a Megabus parking
lot,” said junior Patrick
Onesty. “Watching all those
sad people waiting in line
day in and day out must be
depressing as hell.”
an echo but by hundreds of
male moles that live beneath
the surface of the campus.
“The frequency of the
human clap precisely matches
that of the mating call of the
female Scalopus aquaticus,”
explained biology teacher and
the moles? Some scientist
attribute the phenomenon to
global warming. Still others
cite the use of pesticides in
Gonzaga’s gardens. However,
the Gonzaga community has
reached a general consensus:
the culprit is Megabus.
Mr. Hamm concurs.
“Moles are generally blind,
but like other mammals, they
can spot a major bummer a
mile away. No wonder the
moles left.”
The administration has
met daily to discuss the mole
Does it Matter?
By: Andrew Richard ‘13
Concerned activist
Recent studies have
shown that what we all
suspected was true: math
serves no purpose in the real
world outside of school. As
you would expect, this news
has caused quite a stir around
the world, and Gonzaga is no
exception. To find out more, I
went to Gonzaga’s academic
dean, Michael Howell. Mr.
Howell explained that from
now on the math department
will function like the art
department: classes will
be available, but students
will only be required to
take one math credit. “We
really should have listened
earlier,” said Howell,”since
students have been saying
this forever.” When I asked
Mr. Davis, Math Department
Chair, what he thought about
the situation, he replied
“The only constant in life is
change.” He also expressed
some interest in possibly
teaching a ceramics class.
Similarly, Mrs. Rogers was
pleased that now she would
be able to pursue her true
passion: puns and wordplay.
“It's really a relief,” she said,
“that my puns will no longer
have to be math related.”
Overall, it appears Gonzaga
is looking forward to this
new era with hope.
dilemma.
“The squeak has been
a central part of Gonzaga’s
marketing for over ten
years,” said Fr. Lingan.
“On shadow days, freshmen
show prospective students
the courtyard squeak, and
eighth graders always seem
impressed.”
Indeed, Gonzaga could
lose valuable future students
because of the departure of
the moles.
“I came to Gonzaga
because of the squeak,” said
junior Sean Spata. “Heck,
I could have gone to BI,
O’Connell, or even Good
Counsel, but I knew I wanted
to go to Gonzaga when I
heard that cool squeaking
noise.”
The Board of Trustees has
planned several initiatives
to lure the moles back. For
Charter Day, students are
encouraged to wear mole
costumes.
The Gonzaga
groundskeepers have already
sprayed the entire campus
with mole pheromones.
Gonzaga Art Given JUG
By: John Begala’11
Art Aficionado
Due to repeated noncompliance with the new,
perfectly reasonable dress
code, over half of the saints
pictured in artwork around the
school were given JUG by a
keen-eyed Mr. Jacobsen: “We
will not permit such blatant
disrespect of the new dress
code.” Many of the men are
wearing sandals, flip-flops,
or no shoes at all, more still
can be seen wearing jackets
inside the building, and most
disappointingly, almost all
are wearing a hoodie or hat
of some sort. (In a side note,
Joey Watkins claims to have
found a depiction of Saint
Hubert rockin’ Nike Boots…
however this claim has not
yet been confirmed.)
Mr. Jacobsen continued,
explaining how reasonable he
was in trying to enforce the
rules: “I gave them each three
days. The first day I pointed
out their error and
politely requested
that each of them
be seen tomorrow
-- wearing proper
attire. Then on the
second day, when
I saw no change,
I went to each
of the offenders
and showed them
specifically where
in the Student
Handbook the dress
code is outlined, I
even suggested that
they make a stop
by the library. By
the third day I was
fed up, and began
writing JUG slips.”
All but Saint Peter
faithfully attended
their JUG, and Mr.
Jacobsen believes
the lesson is now
well learned.
The Aprilian | Page 4
Building Plans: Fact or Fiction?
By Sean Hayden ’ 11
#believedat
It was 2008, and rumors
began to fill the halls and
classrooms of Gonzaga.
“I heard they’re building a
multi level parking garage
under the football field”,
students would exclaim.
“Yes, the rumors are true:
there will be tennis courts on
top of the office building next
to Buchanan Field, a parking
garage under the field, and
many other renovations will
be made,” teachers would
confirm.
Now in 2011,
however, some of these
rumors have been verified,
while others remain distant
dreams as new plans have
been revealed.
The first phase of the
new building plan that has
recently revealed is a statue
of sophomore, Matt Borda,
which will be built right in
front of the recently unveiled
eagle statue in honor of his
amazing accomplishment
of scoring from 80 yards in
the WCAC Championship
Lacrosse game and for
receiving an astounding 250
Facebook friend requests in
one day. Not only will it be
in front of the eagle statue,
but it will be twice the size.
Some were bewildered about
the placement or the statue,
but Fr. Lingan insisted on its
location.
the upcoming renovations
known as Phase 3. “Before
the economy crashed, we had
put all of our dreams on the
table, which equated to a 70
lacrosse, and basketball
programs. On the next level
up, a new auxiliary gym for
basketball, wrestling, and
baseball batting cages will
Furthermore, a helicopter
landing pad will be placed
on top of the senior lounge
for the new senior privilege
instated by Fr. Conti for
helicopter joy riding. One
of the most anticipated
renovations to Gonzaga’s
campus is the renovation
of the football field. As
decided by Gonzaga’s board,
the football field will be
renovated and widened so
that it is exactly 1 millimeter
too narrow for soccer games
to be held on it. Furthermore,
Gonzaga’s
board
had
originally decided to place
a camera in every room at
Gonzaga for no reason at all,
but realized that the task had
already been accomplished
during the summer of 2010.
Due to the economic
plummet in 2008, the once
70 million dollar dream
renovation plan quickly
changed into a 30 million
dollar plan, and then finally
into a 17 million dollar
plan. The beginning phases
of restorations at Gonzaga
began with the renovations
of Ruesch Hall and Cantwell
Hall. The second phase
of the project consisted
of the development and
construction of the upper
and lower commons. After
talking to Fr. Linghan, I was
able to hear the full plan for
million dollar plan. We had
to revise our new plan, which
will cost 17 million dollars,
and we are looking forward
to beginning construction
next spring.”
be constructed.
For all the students who
have lifted weights and
worked out in the weight
room at Gonzaga, you very
well know it is in great need
One of the projects
that Fr. Novotny, S.J. and
the Gonzaga community
has been looking forward
to for many years is the
renovation of the theatre.
“It’s a wonderful building”
Fr. Linghan noted, “but it
really does need renovations
and an upgrade. We want
to restore it to its original
Victorian style. In addition to
the theatre, which is getting
a complete makeover, we
are adding a theatre support
building on the left side
of the stage.” To make
that happen, the current
Carmody center locker
rooms are going to be ripped
out, but the Carmody Center
is going to be extended and
expanded. Locker rooms
will be built underground
for the football, soccer,
of an overhaul. As part of this
third phase, “a new strength
and conditioning center will
be built on the third floor of
the new support building, as
there is a growing need for
a state of the art strength
and conditioning facility.”
Since all of the crew teams’
urg rooms are in separate
locations, the current old
gym will be renovated and
will become the new crew
urg facility so that all of
members of the crew team
can work out in the same
location.
As a future alumnus, I
was curious where the funds
were coming from, as many
alumni donate money to
Gonzaga for projects such
as this one. One thing that
Fr. Linghan clarified is that
the tuition that the parents
pay and the general alumni
donations only go to the
operation of Gonzaga on a
day to day basis; thus, those
funds will not be used for
the renovation plans. Fr.
Linghan has continued on
with the responsibilities Fr.
Novotny had in working
extremely hard to raise
money for this project,
and has been extremely
successful in doing so.
Numerous Friends, Alumni,
and former parents donated
money to the different parts
of the project and have
enabled it to become a reality
rather than just a dream.
The Aprilian | Page 5
Aquilian Global Domination Plan - Chapter One
By: Michael Ledecky ‘12
Megalobrainiacist
With
the
advent
of
communication
technologies
such
as
email,
Facebook,
and
ChatRoulette, our world has
shrunk considerably. Never
before has international
communication had such
a profound impact on our
daily lives.
Therefore, I am proud to
announce that The Aquilian
has partnered with news
syndicates in France, Spain,
China, and Germany to
deliver the news of Gonzaga
College High School to the
world.
Student-written
articles tailored to our
international audiences will
be translated by Google
Translate and sent to the
far corners of the civilized
world.
As
many
Gonzaga
foreign language students
know, Google Translate is
an efficient and effective
translating tool for almost any
language. The Aquilian’s use
of Google Translate will save
time and ensure the highest
quality of translation.
Here are some current
Aquilian headlines from
around the world:
“Flin
Hombre”
L’Aquilienne (France)
«Pourquoi SAGE Devrait
Vendre Des Escargots»
«Comment Les Femmes
Américaines Se Rasent»
To
decipher
the
headlines, copy the headlines
from AquilianOnline.com
and paste them into Google
Translate.
For further breaking
news be sure to check in at
www.aquilianonlineyeahwe
wentglobalbabysohowulike
usnow.com.
Researchers from the
prestiegous University of
Southern North Dakota has
concluded that irritability and
a lack of sleep are correlated.
This groundbreaking study
comes within a year of their
last research topic, which
maintained that signs of
wealth are attractive to those
of the opposite sex.
“It was a rather difficult
experiment to conduct,”
said Henry Hoffstedder,
B.A. The test comprised
a control group, which
researchers allowed to take a
nap in a quiet room, and an
experimental group, in which
the subjects were beaten
with tube socks containing
bars of soap whenever they
drifted from the realm of
consciousness to the land of
dreams.
Hoffstedder claims that
those who were prematurely
awoken were quite irritable
and sometimes violent. “The
lack of sleep turned them
into irrational creatures,
constantly asking us why we
were doing this. They didn’t
understand it was for the
sake of science.”
el
Ying (China)
El Aquiliana (Spain)
“Bol. Club de Lucha
Contra la Cancelado”
The
common
man
believes
without
care
that such earth-shattering
knowledge is true. He ignores
the need for scientific proof,
maintains Hoffstedder. “It’s
just like the sky being blue.
No one knows why it’s blue-maybe there’s a lot of water
up there, who knows? People
just know the world is the
way it is without scientific
backing.” Hoffstedder claims
that the most commonly
understood norms are those
which require evidence-evidence which he plans to
shed light on.
Gonzaga students are
tired all the time, and most
es
Der Adler (Germany)
“Studenten Fordern
Wienerschnitzel”
Dieser Journalist ist
Nicht Aufgeregt. Er ist
Deutsch.
Too Much Work Makes Kitten Grouchy
By: Brad Riehle ‘12
Ergometer
Hyre
are quite irritable. With
the results of Hoffstedder’s
study, they can take solace
in the fact that it is not their
fault when they snap at a
friend or classmate.
“It is about making
people realize that they
are not in control of their
actions; in fact, the factors
around them create who
they are,” adds Hoffstedder.
Hoffstedder
recommends
more sleep for those who
claim to be cranky. He plans
to continue his research in
other neglected fields, such
as why people enjoy eating
candy.
WZAG Bests Devil
By: John Begala ‘11
Harpoonist
The Devil had to pack
up his parka and long-johns
and head south this spring.
Things are getting mighty
cold in the land of the Lost
Souls. The Aprilian staff
was granted an exclusive
interview with Lucifer
about the situation:
Lucifer:
“I
never
thought they had it in them.
It had been three long years
since there was anything
worth even a chuckle, this
just really irks me.”
AP: “So what exactly
was funny about this
feature?”
Lu: “Well, that’s the
thing, what was funny
was that the kid filming it
fell down the Kohlmann
steps, so it wasn’t even
intentional… the son of a
@#$*& literally stumbled
upon it.”
AP: “We’re so sorry to
hear this, do you think the
humor will continue?”
Lu: “Oh of course not,
I’m expecting a warming
season to return back here
in Hell, especially with
the Presidential speeches
broadcasting… those kids
wouldn’t know funny if
the Three Stooges hit them
over the head with it”
AP: “Oh, and how is
Osama?”
Lu: “He’s going through
customs as we speak. Last
I heard, he was a bit upset
about the long lines waiting
to get through the full-bodyscanners at the entrance. I
have had complaints about
that before...we really are
trying to smooth it out.”
The Aprilian | Page Banana
Mr. Buckley “Disappointed” With Websense Anarchy Day
By Michael Ledecky ‘12
Straight-shooter
On a random day each
school year, Gonzaga’s
webmasters remove the
internet firewalls that prevent
students
from
visiting
distracting
or
explicit
sites.
Gonzaga students
affectionately
call
this
brief restriction-loosening
“Websense Anarchy Day,”
and May 3 was the designated
date this year.
Webmaster
Peter
Buckley,
however,
is
considering discontinuing
the web holiday due to “a
lack of interest.”
“Quite frankly, I’m
disappointed,” said Mr.
Buckley. “I thought that
current Gonzaga students
were less mature than they
actually are.”
Indeed, the results are
disappointing. According
to the Gonzaga network’s
browsing history record,
only forty-two students
ventured onto seventy-seven
previously blocked sites.
Of these seventy-seven,
a mere three were online
auction sites, and only one
was a pizza delivery service.
Perhaps most shockingly,
students did not attempt to
access any gaming databases
or adult web sites.
“Gonzaga
students
ought to cut loose and live a
little bit,” said Mr. Buckley.
“What are you guys, a bunch
of stiffs?”
The
most
popular
previously blocked site
was NationalGeographic.
com, which is usually
blocked under the category
“Television and Media.”
Five students accessed
The Mask Comes Off of Mr. John Heetderks
By Andrew Hayden ‘11
Inspirational Investigator
WA S H I N G T O N ,
D.C.-- Members of the
Elite Aquilian Investigation
Squad recently discovered
that Mr. John Heetderks,
a member of the Gonzaga
College High School faculty,
Xbox extraordinaire, and
avid Comic-Con attendee
is in fact an underground
crime fighter. After years in
hiding, “The Derks” has in
fact returned to reveal his
identity. He
agreed to tell
us his tale
saying,
“I
memorized
the periodic
table at age
3, and was
studying
n u c l e a r
chemistry at
age 9 with
Doctor Xavier
in a classified
location.
I
was
flown
to Area 51
by the U.S.
Government to work on
projects I cannot talk about,
and now I have returned
to D.C. as the vigilante
guardian of the greatest
place on earth.” Heetderks
has combined his extreme
knowledge of chemistry and
insight in the comic world to
harness unheard of powers,
allowing him to combat the
most villainous monsters
that roam the streets of the
DMV. His arch nemesis,
(or crime fighting rival?),
“Student Services, walk
these halls like they run the
place. C’mon, everyone
knows this is Heetderks’
town.”
His superpowers
include
stunning
good
looks (literally, they stun
you), Einstein’s knowledge,
pedestrian
dodging
ability,
and
elemental
transmogrification,
the
ability to change
humans
into
liquids and gases.
His weakness? He
has none. Unlike
Superman, John
Heetderks
has
no
Kryptonite.
He is invincible.
Why did he run
all those years?
Because we had
to chase him.
Because he’s the
hero that Gonzaga
deserves, but not
the one it needed
then. So we hunted
him because he
could take it.
Because he’s not
our hero. He’s a
silent guardian,
a
watchful
protector.
The
Derks.
Facebook, but each was
logged onto his account for
only a few minutes in order
to write to his mother how
much he loved her.
If students do not break
the rules, Mr. Buckley
“does not see the point in”
Websense Anarchy Day. The
administration may decide
to discontinue Websense
Anarchy Day as soon as
next year, but newly elected
student
council
representatives
have pledged to
fight to keep the
event.
“In order to
preserve the event,
I will attempt to
pass an executive
order,”
said
President-elect
Joe Marvin. “In
addition,
more
students should do
thingsonWebsense
Anarchy Day that
are against the
Student Handbook
online
conduct
code, like ordering
pizza, or placing
other kinds of
online orders.”
The Aprilian | Page Moose
Do You Have Flow?
By Sean Hayden ‘11
Flow Guru
As most of you may
know, the 2011 Gonzaga
Lacrosse Team is having
an outstanding season this
year. One might ask, what
makes this team so much
better than any other team
in the WCAC and the
greater Washington area?
Simply put, it is the “flow”.
What exactly is “flow?”
Since I am not familiar
with, and certainly do not
possess flow to any degree,
I consulted a few current
members of the Varsity
Lacrosse team to find out
what “flow” really is and
its impact on the success
of the team this year. In the
words of sophomore flowmaster Max Planning, “well
I would have to say that the
team’s flow put together
with myself, David, Rawley
Loken, Teddy Manders,
Reid Spencer, and John
Sullivan is the whole reason
that we have won big
games like DeMatha, and
have come close to beating
Prep and Landon who
have always been lacrosse
powerhouses in the area.
Our flow will definitely be
a contributing factor in the
WCAC Championship. It
is our cross to bear in life,
and we gladly carry it.” As
put by Eric Baumgardner,
who possesses fiery flow,
Stickers...Fun!
By: Michael Ledecky ‘12
Motivational Speaker
Among the student body,
the term “Student Services”
generally carries a negative
connotation--one of JUG,
lunch JUG, and JUG. But
this may soon change.
During the 2011-12
school year, Mr. Every, Mr.
Beckett, and Mr. Jacobsen
will seek to “lighten up” the
image of Student Services
around campus.
“I’m afraid we just
haven’t been positive enough
as of late,” said Mr. Every,
who has spent his first two
years as Dean of Student
Services drafting plans to
revitalize the department’s
image. “We penalize the
unkempt and unshaven
student, but we ought to give
a big pat on the back to the
prim and proper one.”
Mr. Every will direct
much of his reform efforts
toward the implementation
of a sticker-based award
system. For each day that
a student arrives to class
on time, follows the dress
code, and obeys the student
handbook, he will receive
a sticker. Posters bearing
the names of all current
students and their stickers
will be posted outside the
Student Services office, and
the posters will be colorcoded by class: freshmen
(red), sophomores (yellow),
juniors (green), and seniors
(blue).
In addition, the
theme of the sticker will
change at the beginning of
every month.
“I think that we’ll have
pumpkin stickers in October,
turkeys in November, and
shamrocks in March,” said
Mr. Jacobsen, who will be
promoted to Head Sticker
Dispenser.
The student in each class
with the most stickers at the
end of the year may choose
among several prizes. These
awards include courtside
tickets to a WNBA game,
dinner and a movie with Mr.
Every, and a moon-bounce
party with Patrick Maloney.
With the sticker-based
award system, Gonzaga
will follow the lead of St.
John’s College High School,
DeMatha Catholic High
School, and Georgetown
Preparatory School.
“I remember when I
was the sticker champion at
Prep,” said Mr. Every, his
eyes glazed, looking into the
distance. “Darn, did it feel
good. Did it feel good.”
“With great flow comes
great responsibility. A true
lacrosse player must know
when to control his flow so
that he maintains luscious
lettuce, but does not cross
into the realm of overflow.”
Eric brings up an important
point here. There is such a
thing as “overflow”, and
is a problem that Gonzaga
laxers are luckily able to
avoid.
Many Gonzaga
students, I am sure, are
familiar with the lacrosse
legend known as “Con
Bro Chill”. For those not
graced with the lettuce
of the laxers mentioned
above, “Con Bro Chill” has
developed revolutionary
new technology known as
the “Flowbucket” so that all
laxers can have the chance to
have flow. This innovative
helmet design involves a
detachable hair piece that
imitates the highly coveted
lettuce everyone is talking
about. After suffering
countless defeats from the
Purple Eagles, rumors have
been circulating that rival
WCAC schools are signing
a contract with “Con Bro
Chill” to gain some sort of
advantage over Gonzaga
lacrosse players. However,
nothing beats the real deal
and in Con Bro Chill’s own
words: “Flow bros, be good
to one another and all that
is flow will be yours. Thou
shall not worry, for on Eye
Street, Flowseidon has
provided.”
Text
Fox
Slow
By: John Begala ‘11
Hooked
By: John Begala ‘11
on
By: John Begala ‘11
Phonics
An unnamed senior has
broken the school record
for number of times caught
texting on school property.
Most impressive however is
his inability to show any sort
of stealth when whipping
out his Droid.
His over obsessive
girlfriend requests that she
be the main focus of his
day, even during school. His
response as to the urgency
of his latest need to text
was… perplexing… to say
the least:
Gonzaga
experienced
its most devastating workstoppage yet when Megan
Fox stunt double, Stacey
Carino, visited the school for
Mrs. Kelley’s eighth
period
physics
class
published a study that
definitively proves that
time literally passes slower
during long 8th period.
Zach Gillis bravely
volunteered to venture out
of the classroom and be the
experimental variable, using
a stopwatch to ensure that he
stayed out of the classroom
for 70 minutes real-time.
He attentively watched
the stopwatch tick by,
while enjoying a chocolate
“She was telling me how
she wanted me to do my
hair... so it wasn’t something
I could just put off until I
asked to go to the bathroom.
Plus, I had used that excuse
three times already that
period.”
The most recent reporting
places
this
unnamed
senior at a TA (Textaholics
Anonymous) meeting.
acting classes at the GDA.
Low-end estimates put the
average freeze at just about
46 minutes per student,
amounting to a whopping
total of 650 man-hours spent
staring, drop-jawed, at the
raven-haired beauty. 100%
of students interviewed rated
the time spent as “the best
forty-six minutes ever spent
on campus.”
Robert Koch, class
of 2011, declined to be
interviewed on his favorite
forty-six minutes at the
school.
croissant at Au Bon Pain
with a cup of French Roast
Coffee. He re-entered the
classroom when the timer
hit 70, only to find that there
were 23 minutes left on the
in-class timer.
This interesting result
has been re-tested by many
a curious senior during long
eighth, and even more so
as the end of the semester
approaches.
GONZAGA FACULTY OF
Bro. Jon: Apocalypse
(Surviving collisions with buses and cabs, it’s safe to say he’s capable of just about anything)
Mrs. Sanders: Storm
(No other teacher reports the weather quite so well…almost like she controls it)
Fr. O’Connor: Beast
(His smarts, his voice, and that beard- the resemblance is uncanny)
Mrs. Wei: Lady Deathstrike
(Don’t let her gentle looks fool you…)
Dr. Rissetto: Cyclops
(Do the glasses just aid his vision, or are they shielding us from his deadly stare?)
Ms. Carter: Jean Grey/Phoenix
(No one rocks red hair quite like her)
Dr. Warman: Mr. Sinister
(Jos. A. Banks regularly styles his armor)
Mr. Mulcahy: The Juggernaut
(He recently made ramming through walls an official Crossfit workout)
Mme. Gino-Saliba: Shadowcat
(Post-exam AP French class consists of her teaching how to walk through walls)
Mrs. Kelly: Emma Frost
(Only one who’s actually defied the laws of science can teach AP Physics quite so well)
Mr. Sampugnaro: Gambit
(You should see him play a game of Farkle)
Mr. Hare and Sr. Laguilles: Iceman and Pyro
(The ultimate bromance)
Mr Kornyo: Nightcrawler
(Do not bother him while he’s praying the Rosary)
Mr. Cannon: Magneto
(Magnetically attracted to the word…the right word…the apt word)
Mr. Davis: Colossus
(He’s The Big Man for a reason)
Mr. Jordan: Wolverine
(Can you think of another teacher who actually looks wolvish?)
Mr. Larkin: Sabretooth
(His bite is just as bad as his bark…yikes!)
Mr. Villeta: Angel/Archangel
(More than your average pretty boy… he went to Princeton)
Ms. Tindall: Rogue
(Her tests will literally suck the life out of you)
Mr. Lipari: Colonel Stryker
(Don’t question his ability to defend the American way)
Mr. Maddox: Bishop
(His iron fist will make you pay for not keeping your toes on the line)
Mr. Theriaque: Banshee
(That scream can really do some damage)
Mr. Ausema: Petra
(A treehugger like no other)
Mr. Schoureck: Warpath
(Military experience and love of Native Americans make him awesome)
Mrs. Free: Mystique
(When an English teacher is sick, she assumes their identity and covers class)
Mr. L’Etoile: Puck
(Short, scrappy, and completely unpredictable)
Mr. Mike Howell: Professor Charles Xavier
(Spends his lunch periods mastering Cerebro)