December 5, 2005

The Undergraduate Magazine
Vol. VI, No. 9 | December 5, 2005
Just Pretend?
Kelly holds fake bags in contempt of
class.
Page 3
Jewish Jealousy
Adam wants his halls decked this
Christmas.
Page 4
Sudoku’s Here To Stay
First Call never breaks a promise.
Page 7
LUXEMBOURG
Adreyo takes on a single-sex situation
Page 8
MICHAEL SALL
REFLECTIONS ON THE
RIOTS IN FRANCE
BY PEDRO GERSON
FOR OVER TWO WEEKS, France witnessed
one of the greatest streaks of violence in its
recent history. Nothing of the sort has been
seen in France since a student-led “rebellion”
in 1968. The reasons for the riots are quite
clear. They go far beyond the anger brought
about by the death of two young North Africans during an alleged police chase. The real
reasons involve the failed integration of immigrants and a faltering French economy.
The French are not blind to either of these
problems; they are aware of their economic
situation and no one denies the existing racial discrimination. Even Jacques Chirac, the
French President, has pointed out the inequalities in his country.
Most French immigrants live in the
French banlieues (suburbs). This has created
heavy segregation in France. These areas carry stigmas of being inhabited by dangerous,
uneducated people. The truth is that immigrants inhabit them and the stigma created
is caused by racism and a lack of an effort toward integration. The problem with integration in France is that it is quite recent. North
and West Africans did not reach the country
until the second half of the twentieth century.
Homoerotic Happenings
Since then, the only true success immigrants
have had in France is in soccer, where more
than half of the team is of African descent.
French violence is not only the result of
minorities’ anger over being excluded from
the system; it also is due to extreme unemployment. Unemployment in France among
the youth has risen to be the third highest
in Europe—around 22%. Unemployment
is an even larger problem amongst young
minorities, who suffer from alarming 40%
unemployment rate. Such a high level of unemployment creates much frustration among
this group, leading to violence. This behavior,
however, has only hurt the cause of minority
groups, since now Right-wingers have more
fingers to point.
The American media has covered the
French riots in a ruthless way. Titles such as
“Paris Burning” or “Muslim Riots” have not
been unusual. The press has presented the riots in almost the same way as it has the war in
Iraq or Hurricane Katrina. It depicts a paralyzed country amidst a wave of rampant violence, not a country where life was continuing. This depiction is unsurprisingly inflated.
Continued on PAGE 6
LOCUST LEECHES
BY JOANNE YUAN
IS IT JUST ME or did everyone and their
mother decide to hold events in the time period after Thanksgiving and before classes
end? AND, more importantly, why did everyone and their mother’s organizations
decide to promote their causes by whoring
themselves out to the general population on
Locust Walk?
Picture this. It’s the Monday morning
after Thanksgiving break and all I want to
do is pick up a copy of First Call from the
Huntsman Hall lobby (wink wink, shameless promotion) and get to class. I make the
right turn onto Locust from 36th street and
am instantly beset by a myriad of charity organizations, frats and sororities, club sports,
23948623 types of a cappella groups, and
desperate Management 100 students. Awesome, it’s 10 a.m. and I’m already presented
with a dilemma: should I be the nice one
that takes anything and everything they
stick in my face, smiling sympathetically, or
should I put on my face of steel and figure
out the best way to maneuver around all the
waving flyers while brandishing a cell phone
in my hand that indicates my unavailability
to receive solicitations?
I’m sure most of you have had the pleasure of both being on the giving and the
receiving end of this Locust Walk madness.
But have you ever taken the time to really
study them? These people gather for different purposes and have different selling
techniques, ranging from the normal to the
funny to the weird to the absurd to the obscene. Here’s what I’ve been able to observe,
ranked from least effective to most effective
(This is a legitimate scientific ranking, I
swear.)
The Last One to Shotty-Not: Catchphrase: “I don’t wanna be here. Some random ass organization made me stand here.”
Effectiveness: No one’s gonna care if they
don’t care. Apathy may have gotten them
through the majority of their teenage years,
but it’s just not gonna cut it in the cutthroat
environment that is Locust Walk.
The Heckler: Catchphrase: “I know
Gray-Sweatshirt wants a flyer! Dontcha,
Gray-Sweatshirt? Yeah you do. Yeahhhh.”
Effectiveness: As cool as it is that these
people have that uber-special ability to take
an article of clothing or unique feature of
Continued on PAGE 5
D ECEMBER 5, 2005 | FIRST CALL | V OL . VI N O . 9
P AGE 2
FirstCall
Vol. VI, No. 9 | December 5, 2005
The Undergraduate Magazine
Editor-in-Chief
Lauren Saul
Editors
Shira Bender
Andrew Pederson
Anna Stetsovskaya
Assistant Editors
Adam Goodman
Joanne Yuan
Columnists
Shira Bender
Christine Chen
Robert Forman
Adam Goldstein
Adam Goodman
Mickey Jou
Andrew Pederson
Lauren Saul
Liz Thomas
Thuy Tran
Writers
Kelly Cataldo
Pedro Gerson
Ale Jackson
Timothy Potens
Adreyo Sen
Joanne Yuan
Artists
Shira Bender
Stephanie Craven
Jay Kim
Shelby Prindaville
Joanne Yuan
Layout Editor
Krystal Godines
Editorial
ON HIGH RISE NUDITY
Putting aside the issue of free speech, moral judgments about self-exhibition in
plain sight of hundreds of students, and plain old bad taste, the University and the
local news networks made a parody out of an already absurd situation. Does anyone remember the ugly naked guy on Friends? The couple on Sex and the City who
made so much noise that Samantha finally had to join them? In the real world, no
one would punish the Engineering kid for taking such a picture. Making the girl in
the photo think otherwise is a sham. In fact, it’s yet another display of this University’s goal to endlessly coddle the student body. In case anyone’s missed decade-old
news, besides the High Rise Girl: The Internet has arrived, and it never favors the
naked person. Just ask Paris Hilton. Or Cameron Diaz.
We have grown up in a time when parents start fist fights on the soccer field because seven year old Brittany fouled out the other team’s Stephanie. Penn’s attempt
to charge the photographer in this incident is yet another example of this problem. In the real world, no one’s going to write an essay about why such an action is
wrong, because the US gives them the right to snap any photo they’d like. Period.
Penn’s effort to pretend otherwise is a dangerous deception to all parties involved.
College students are stuck in the middle: we’re not kids anymore, yet we’re also
not adults. We’re adult enough to have sex in high rise dorms, yet immature enough
to show the world and then cry about it. The University should stop encouraging
us to revert to childhood.
The local news’ coverage of this incident was suitably lame. Fox News called this
incident a Sex Scandal; Another called the couple “Sex-hibitionists”, clearly gross
exaggerations. Perhaps no one was murdered, raped or kidnapped in Philadelphia
recently, or viewers are tired of hearing the same stories. In either case, the photo
was only so clear because the photographer was a very proficient at using the zoom
key. In addition, the room was high above the ground — the average onlooker on
the sidewalk would not have seen this curtain-free liaison, especially during the day.
We college students know true sex-hibitionism when we see it, and the naked High
Rise dwellers were a far cry from it. We sincerely hope the University and the local
news quickly move on to new intrigues.
Layout Assistants
Isaac Katz
Marketing Manager
Leah Karasik
Advertising Staff
Ruchi Desai
Webmaster
Rachit Shukla
CAMPUS CLIMATE CONTROL
Editor Emeritus
Rob Forman
Contact Information
330 Jon M. Huntsman Hall
3730 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, PA 19104
(215) 898-3200
[email protected]
Web Site
clubs.wharton.upenn.edu/fcpaper
Submissions
Email letters to the editors and
guest submissions to
[email protected].
Students, please include your
school and class.
Editorial Policy
FFirst Call is the undergraduate magazine of The University of Pennsylvania.
First Call is published every Monday.
Our mission is to provide members of
the community an open forum for expressing ideas and opinions. We are
committed to a policy of non-censorship. Articles are provided by regular
columnists and writers and are chosen
for publication based on the quality of
writing. Outside of the weekly editorial,
no article represents the opinion of First
Call, its editorial board, or individual
members. No content in First Call unless
otherwise stated represents the official
position of the administration, faculty,
or student body at large of the Wharton
School or the University of Pennsylvania.
Shelby Prindaville is a sophomore in the College. You can write to her at shelbyp@sas.
P AGE 3
D ECEMBER 5, 2005 | FIRST CALL | V OL . VI N O . 9
EVERYONE KNOWS YOU’RE FAKING IT
BY KELLY CATALDO
OTHER PEOPLE USE THEIR ARTICLES AS CONFESSIONALS. Here is my admission: I used
to be addicted. With such a catchy first sentence, you probably expect a serious exposé. Sorry
to disappoint; it’s just that I was obsessed with eBay. The relationship started out healthily
enough: I went online to browse the available shoes, searching in particular for a seemingly
elusive pair of Ugg boots. The ones I desperately wanted
had sold out in all department stores; Ugg had simply
not made enough boots to meet the demand. My quarry
was of the species “Classic Tall” with the “Sand” coloration and a size that whetted the appetite of the vast majority of hunters: 7. I did some basic research, noting that
the price on the eBay market exceeded the price paid in
stores; yet the auction prices only seemed to shoot up in
the final minutes before bidding was closed. I carefully
stalked several auctions, bidding in the last 5 minutes
at a reasonable price until they were finally mine. They
arrived, new, in the box, and exactly as described. I was
euphoric; I finally had something that I had so deeply
coveted. The fact that it was unattainable only fed the
impending frenzy.
I began to take note of the vast supply of luxury goods
offered on eBay. It seemed like a buyer’s paradise. I had
every major European “house of fashion” parading its
wares at my whim. With the click of a button, hundreds
if not thousands of couture handbags, jewels and shoes
danced across my laptop screen. I took stock of what was
available for a couple of different items (for example, the
recently introduced Gucci Horsebit Hobo) and logged
on occasionally to see if anything new or interesting had
been added. What started out as casual browsing quickly
turned to compulsion. I would stay up late into the night
(4 a.m. late, even when I had papers to write and tests
to study for) looking through page after page of glorious products that could be mine with a lot of money and
even more luck. My friends were not particularly helpful
in pointing out how ludicrous my behavior had become.
They were equally likely to stay up all night long to bid
on flat screen TVs and Tod’s loafers. The materialistic
bug had bitten us all and there was no antidote in sight.
For me, the turning point, the panacea to my selfdiagnosed illness, was a desire for veracity. Most of the
time, you can look at the goods and judge if they seem
authentic. I began to have a problem with “seeming” but
not “knowing.” The factories where the fakes were produced became better at producing replicas, as well as the
certificates of authenticity that accompany most highend products. From my vantage point, the true problem
does not lie with the producer of the imitation goods.
They are supplying a good for which there is a market demand. The problem, then, becomes
the unsavvy consumer who is willing to shell out money for potentially faux designer merchandise. Some consumers are price-conscious—they want to buy something that appears fashionable but is not so pricey. I, however, have a strong sense of justice and I cannot stand the idea of
buying an imitation product. First, I am repulsed by the idea of a dealer successfully passing a
faux product off as a genuine item. Buying off eBay, off the street corners in Chinatown, or from
any other disreputable dealer essentially guarantees that a good is not genuine.
Second, the true luxury goods are made with finer materials, better craftsmanship and are
branded according to those features that set them apart
from inferior merchandise. It is more about what the product consists of than its appearance alone. The flood of fake
LVs, GGs, and Cs masquerading as high-end goods demeans the work of the designers and craftsmen whose intellectual property and skill went into the creation of the original products. For example, Murakami, a famous Japanese
graphics designer, produced a revolutionary line of bags for
Louis Vuitton that became incredibly popular several years
ago. The style is one that many people are familiar with:
white or black, leather logoed with multicolored symbols
and interlocking LVs. Customers showed up in droves to
buy the bag and thus imitations quickly followed. What I
cannot understand is why some customers bought bags on
the street or online that tried to imitate the bag, but used
different symbols or the wrong letters. It is obvious to anyone familiar with high fashion sense that such a bag is fauxMurakami.
People who condemn the imitation-buyer because they
can differentiate between genuine and fake goods may seem
snobbish, but I think their disdainful reaction is merited for
several reasons. Principally, the customer is doing herself a
huge disservice when she buys such fakes. Aside from design flaws, there are other immediate “give-aways” that indicate a bag is not what it seems. The products quickly deteriorate, with fabric snares, fraying stitching, broken zippers
and dyes that run in ways that a true designer product never
would. Carrying around this type of self-destructing bag is
tacky and unfashionable. Most importantly, though, it is
unethical, we should reward designers for their art, craftsmen for their skill, and all of the individuals in the supply
chain for producing quality components. Buying fakes
treats these people in a way that they would never consent to
being treated. The purchase of any faux-merchandise rather
than an authentic good uses the people involved at any stage
of production or development as a means to an end—that
end being the attainment of a certain desired product. They
deserve fair market compensation for their contribution,
whatever it may be, and only the consumer has the power
to use her dollars in a way that respects what they deserve.
Only when the demand for inexpensive imitation luxury
goods dries up will we see a decline in the production of
these fakes. Please consider the importance of demonstrating a respect for others before you plunk down $15 for a bag worth 100 times that value. Besides, everyone knows when you’re faking it.
Kelly Cataldo is a junior in the College. You can write to her at kcataldo@sas.
TORRENTS OF TV
ROB FORMAN | MY 13-INCH BOX
TONS TO COVER, very little
room. December will be current shows, but you’re on
your own until First Call’s
first January issue for when
my and your favorites return
in 2006. I will, however,
detail some of January’s big
premieres so you can be sure
to catch them. Happy boobtubing!
December 2005
Television in December is typically a snooze. Thanks to
some developments in TV land, that won’t be the case for
a couple of weeks! First, off, Arrested Development finally
returns on December 5 th at 8 p.m. Hah, I just made an awful pun. You see, I don’t expect the genius show to continue
after December. It isn’t on FOX’s winter schedule, and the
network already cut the product order down to 13 episodes
from 22. So, get all the laughs you can, because I guarantee
there will be unaired installments on the Season 3 DVD Set
that eventually comes out… and we say goodbye to the best
comedy on TV forever. Bluths, we knew you better than
your ratings suggested we would, but it wasn’t well enough.
Oh, FYI… say your goodbyes to Reunion, too. Its last airing will be in February, well before the 20-year mystery was
supposed to be solved.
Speaking of mysteries to be solved… why is Veronica
Mars torturing its viewers? Not that the show has been
bad. It’s been great, if slightly convenient at times. But
every week adds a new cliff-hanger that is neither answered
nor even addressed the next week. Last week was the worst,
when Veronica checks on comatose—and apparently pregnant—Meg, the only person still alive after the fateful bus
crash that kicked off the season. Meg is the only character
who can tell our detectives what really happened on that
bus, first-hand. In the aired version, Veronica finds out the
supposedly immaculate girl is pregnant, then leaves, and
Meg wakes up (was she sleeping the whole time?). The
show offered up an alternate ending online for people to
vote on, and producers say the winner will be the “real ending,” and won’t affect the continuity of the next few episodes. In the online version, Veronica hides in a hospital
closet and watches as Meg is smothered by her mother, who
then leaves. When Veronica comes out of the closet, she
takes the pillow off Meg and is caught by a nurse. How can
a change in which one is the “real ending” now affect the
next new episode!? A new episode airs Wednesday, December 7 th, at 9 p.m.
Right after Veronica Mars, check out ex-pregnant Jennifer Garner’s Alias on its temporary new night and time…
Wednesdays at 10 p.m.! The spy thriller has two episodes
in December. First, Sark returns. That’s Sarktastic! Then
Vaughn returns. Or at least Michael Vartan does. The
show then goes on maternity leave
until March(-ish) so Bennifer 2.0 can
have fun with Violet Affleck.
Michael Vartan is on TV a lot
this December. Before he makes his
guest appearance on Alias, he joins
ex-Alias co-star Bradley Cooper on
FOX’s Kitchen Confidential on Monday, December 5 th at 8:30 p.m. after
Arrested Development.
Also on FOX is Bones’ final Tuesday appearance on December 13th in
a Christmas themed episode. The
show moves to Wednesdays at 9 p.m. opposite Lost during American Idol’s audition phase, then to Wednesdays
at 8 p.m. when the Wednesday results show starts. Confused? Me too. I also don’t need another show to watch on
Wednesdays at 9 p.m., so thank god it’s only temporary.
In its first Christmas episode ever (if memory serves),
the creative and ratings-wise resurgent Smallville returns
with “Lexmas” on Thursday, December 8th at 8 p.m. on the
WB. Witty. Lex. Christmas. Another Christmas themed
episode is Grey’s Anatomy—which is, like, totally the most
consistently awesome show on TV right now—on Decem-
ber 11th at 10 p.m. on ABC.
And, finally, just because it demands mentioning, Sideshow Bob returns to The Simpsons on Sunday, December
11th at 8 p.m. on FOX.
January 2006
This summer, Dancing with the Stars taught us that,
yes, America will still watch mind-numbing and stupid reality programming en masse. The show that made Kelly
Monaco an almost-household name returns at 8 p.m. on
Thursday, January 5 th, to make you forget that it’s the regular season and good programming is on. FOX, of course,
decided that the only thing more glitzy—and by glitzy I
mean awful—than dancing with celebrities is Skating With
Celebrities (Wednesday, January 18th at 9 p.m. then Mondays at 8 p.m.). Only if there are amusing ice skate-induced
decapitations.
On the positive for FOX,
stalwarts 24 and American Idol
return. Jack Bauer finally returns—though how he’s going to
do it, considering he faked his
own death to escape being labeled
a traitor and held by the Chinese
government last year we don’t
know—for another non-stop season with a 2-day, 4-hour premiere
beginning Sunday, January 15th at
8 p.m. (or after the football game,
if it runs over). The audition stage of Idol begins with a
two-hour event on Tuesday, January 17 th at 8 p.m. If that’s
your thing, fine, but I’m not watching until the competition begins in March. Luckily for FOX and AI fans, Simon
Cowell is staying with the show through 2011. Yeah, that’s
right. The show is going to be on for another five cycles. At
least. The competition be damned—and be afraid. Very,
very afraid.
One week before American Idol begins its blitzkrieg on
This summer, Dancing
with the Stars taught
us that, yes, America
will still watch mindnumbing and stupid
reality programming.
Continued on PAGE 7
P AGE 4
D ECEMBER 5, 2005 | FIRST CALL | V OL . VI N O . 9
‘TIS THE SEASON
MICKEY JOU | SITES AND SOUND
I LIKE CHRISTMAS. All the
blatant consumerism and inescapable familial obligations
aside, I like what it tries to do.
Even people taken to protesting against an imposing religious structure will have to
admit that as far as holidays
go, this one has been taken
hostage by the mostly secular
capitalist Americans. It’s hard
to imagine being oppressed by a plastic, light-up reindeer on
the lawn, anyway. What is it going to do, annoy you to death
with its ceaselessly cheerful rendition of Rudolph, the RedNosed Reindeer? Just think of all the wonderful things this
holiday has brought us instead.
Guiltless Materialism
Christmas equals presents. Presents equal shopping. Suddenly, you have a reason—a very legitimate reason—for going out on a Friday and spending hundreds and hundreds of
dollars buying things. Of course, if you’re doing this right,
you don’t get to keep any of the things you bought. But that
doesn’t matter—you’re expecting to get an equally big pile of
things, all nicely wrapped and waiting for you on the big day.
Somehow, spending all that money is less
distressing when a) you’re not spending
it on yourself; b) everyone else is doing it;
and c) you don’t have to look at your credit
card bill until next year.
My favorite part of this annual getwhat-you-want festival is making my lists.
That is, the list of presents that I want and
the list of presents that I want
to get for other people. It’s always fun to try to figure out
what gifts to buy for others; it
either tests how observant you
are of your friends’ and relatives’ interests and likes - or it demonstrates how
pushy you are with your own interests and likes.
Ironically, most people find it hard to name the
thing that they want on the spot. We seem to prefer it if people can just read our minds and figure
everything out on their own.
Cultural Indignation
I have a sneaking suspicion that more winter
festivities have become prominent mrely because
more people are interested in staking out a part of
the December holiday market sales. Or, perhaps,
to put it in less cynical terms, people have become
more interested in finding a reason to celebrate in
a month of cold weather and bleak days. Whatever
the cause, as different cultures and ethnic groups
are stepping up to claim or reclaim their piece of
December, more traditions and window decorations have come into the spotlight, such as the
menorah for Chanukah, the kinara for Kwaanza,
or the Yule log for the Winter Solstice. Political or
not, I like the fact that so many people feel compelled to find their own reason for lighting candles
in their home’s windows.
Fun Holiday Entertainment
Christmas requires family togetherness.
Therefore, it would be cruel and unusual not to
have something to keep us entertained while we are
trapped in a house together for at least 24 hours.
The holiday offers a large arsenal of classic entertainment:
How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Charlie Brown Christmas for the kids, Bad Santa and Home Alone for older kids and
college students, Handel’s Messiah and The Nutcracker ballet
for the cultural elitists, It’s A Wonderful Life and The Bells of
St. Mary for the grandparents… the list goes on and on.
If you get tired of movies on the boob tube, there are always Victorian-style mansions open for tours around this
time of the year, as well as special
theatrical productions of A Christmas Carol and The Miracle on 34th
Street. There will also be plenty of
arts and crafts fairs with toasted
marshmellows and choirs of hand
bells. When all else fails, there is always baking cookies and spiking the
eggnog to see just how drunk your
Uncle Rudy can get.
A Reason to Stay in Touch With
Reality
In spite of all the fun you may
(or may not) be having in December,
Christmas is also a time for reflection. Many communities
like to use the holiday as an opportunity to rally their efforts
towards charitable causes—just think of all the coat drives,
canned food collections, and Salvation Army bell-ringing that
are going on right now. After all, Christmas is just as much
about wish fulfillment as it is about seeing beauty in bleakness. It’s about locating a small, flickering light in immense
darkness.
These things remind us of what we do not normally think
about, whether it’s an ex-friend, a homeless man, or a grandparent who has passed away. At the end of all the shopping
sprees and religious festivals, what we really want is to be happy. Christmas, perhaps, started as another mechanism in the
religious machine and, perhaps, has since been transformed
into a mindless fit of impulse buying. But as human beings,
we haven’t changed all that much. Hallmark or not, a Christmas card from an old friend still lights up our day. ‘Happy
Holidays’ with a genuine smile, a nearly guaranteed greeting
by customers and salespeople until the desperation of Christmas Eve sets in, is still better than the blank ‘have a nice day.’
Nat King Cole crooned it the best, so I will leave you with this
thought:
Although it’s been said, many times, many ways:
‘Merry Christmas’ — to you.
Happy holidays, everyone!
When all else fails,
there is always baking cookies and spiking the eggnog to see
just how drunk your
Uncle Rudy can get.
Mickey Jou is a senior in the College. You can write to her at
myjou@sas.
WHAT’S A JEW TO DO?
ADAM GOODMAN | ONE LAST GOOD MAN
IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN. You know what I’m
talking about. Christmas lights, snow, trees that seem alive
although they are in fact dead, Mariah Carey’s All I Want for
Christmas is You playing in every store you walk into. Baby
Jesuses. As an Orthodox Jew, I struggle with this deeply,
but I’ve begun to accept that I just flat-out love Christmas
spirit. There’s nothing I can do about it. Not that there’s
anything wrong with Christmas—it’s just not my holiday.
Why can’t I just be satisfied with Chanukah? We get potato
pancakes with funky toppings like apple sauce and sour
cream! We play with fire! We spin dreidels upside-down!
This is the one time I wish there were less Jews at Penn
(I’m allowed to say that because I’m Jewish…don’t get any ideas, smugly satisfied anti-Semitic
reader). In any case, I just took a leisurely stroll around the Quad and I counted approximately nine rooms engaging in Christmas spirit (that’s what we call research here at First
Call, boys and girls). Wait, make that ten…somebody across Upper Quad is putting up lights.
This warms my heart. Still, though, this is pathetic Christian community at Penn. Celebrate
your holiday, damn it! Put up trees or hang stockings. Do something…anything. Please…I’m
begging you. For me.
But don’t get me wrong. I don’t actually want to celebrate Christmas like those confused
souls who indulge in “Chanukah bushes.” I just garner true happiness from the commercialization of the holiday. I love going into department stores and supermarkets and listening to
“Jingle Bells” while I shop. I am overcome with joy when a Quad security guard sees me wearing my yarmulke and triumphantly proclaims that “Jesus is the best! I love him!” I fantasize
about new Tim Allen Christmas movies. I mean, can anyone seriously deny that Christmas
with the Kranks was a cinematic masterpiece?
In fact, I find few things more irksome than the unrelenting efforts of the zealously politically correct to de-Christianize Christmas. I don’t want “holiday” parades or “holiday” trees—a
new development that’s been in the news this Christmas season. That’s actually insulting to
my religion. Chanukah has nothing to do with trees, so that tradition shouldn’t be super-imposed onto others’ holidays. And don’t even think about saying “Happy Holidays” to me. I’ll
bitchslap you so hard you won’t even know what hit you. And then I’ll make a facebook group
called “I bitchslapped someone for saying ‘Happy Holidays’ to me…bitch.”
I know what those of you who are enthusiasts of Freud are thinking. I actually sub-consciously hate Christmas, but by the defense mechanism of reaction formation I have convinced
myself that I love the holiday. This phenomenon, of course, would stem from my feelings of
guilt over deicide which Mel Gibson has kindly re-awakened in me. My answer to you Freudians is merely this: Perhaps.
This Christmas, let’s recognize that Christianity is by far the largest religion in the United
States. It’s nice to recognize other holidays like Chanukah and Kwaanza, and the fact that it’s
the only time it’ll ever be December 25, 2005 for Hindus, but to pretend that these holidays
need or ought to be given equal attention to Christmas is absurd. Bring out the Christmas
spirit, Quakers. Unless you’re Jewish...then light some candles and spread the miracle. Or African…then do whatever it is that you do (I’m from South Africa so I can say that, you smugly
satisfied white supremacist). Merry Christmas.
Adam Goodman is a freshman in the College. You can write to him at adamlg@sas.
P AGE 5
D ECEMBER 5, 2005 | FIRST CALL | V OL . VI N O . 9
THIS WEEK IN STUPID
LIZ THOMAS | THE HIT LIST
WHILE
YOU
WERE stalking
people on Facebook for the 80th
time this week
and
popping
stale Cheerios,
lots of people
more enterprising than you
were out making world headlines. Here’s a re-cap. Note:
I didn’t say smarter.
1. Death of the World’s Ugliest Dog: Sam
— who resembled a blind 80-something
burn victim in need of braces — died last
week of heart failure. Sam’s title as the “ugliest dog” in the history of mankind earned
him a landslide of cash and even a meeting
with Donald Trump. So there you go: looks
don’t matter at all. All Trump cares about
is whether your face is repulsive enough to
market on the back of a ceramic mug.
2. The Second Coming = Sean Preston
Spears: In yet another step of his insidious ploy to keep the lunch tickets coming/
populate the world with white trash offspring/make white-people cornrows once
again ‘cool,’ K-Fed has agreed to his wife’s
insane idea of creating a Christmas crèche
in Sean Preston’s bedroom, with S-P-Fed as
the main attraction. Yup, that’s right. K-Fed
thinks he has squired the Messiah.
3. The University of the South Finally
Realizes It’s Not 1860 Anymore: Sewanee,
Tennessee, formerly recognized as the University of the South, is doing a little spring
cleaning. The school just now chucked its
on-display ceremonial baton, dedicated to
a KKK-founding Confederate General. The
baton features a big shiny Confederate flag
as well as 130 years of soul-sucking hate
crimes. Alumni are up-in-arms about the
change. One grad told The New York Times,
“Do I want kids from California or New
York coming there? Not really.” In another
recent move, the university decided to institute a new, progressive “book larnin’” policy.
The policy will take effect never.
4. World’s First Partial Face Transplant
Performed by the French: A woman suffering from a severe bite (by a dog undoubtedly more attractive than the aforementioned Sam) got a new face today. The nose,
lips, and chin were taken from a brain-dead
“donor” who is probably pissed as hell right
now. This is some crazy Nick Cage shit. In
fact, I bet Nick busted in during the surgery
on a wild coke bender attempting to take
the face for himself so that he could infiltrate some secret organization that exists in
his head.
5. Michael Jackson Didn’t Father
Blue-Eyed Kids: In a shocking revelation,
Jackson’s former lover Debbie Rowe told
the Irish newspaper Sunday World that
(blonde, blue-eyed) Paris, Prince Michael
II, and “Blanket” came from a test-tube.
Jackson famously lied to Martin Bashir on
20/20 that “puberty” changed his appearance and that he was, in fact, the real father of his children. Paris and Michael II
released a statement this morning: “Thank
Fucking God!” Blanket declined to comment but subsequently vomited on himself.
6. High School Teacher is “Too Liberal”:
A high school English teacher in Vermont is
being criticized for asking vocabulary quiz
questions that indicated his liberal political
views. Example: “I wish Bush would be (coherent, eschewed) for once during a speech,
but there are theories that his everyday diction charms the below-average mind, hence
insuring him Republican votes.” Somewhere, Bush is busy wondering whether
“eschewed” means “sneezed.”
7. College Grad Rides Bike Around
the World: In an attempt not to get a real
job after graduating, Englishman Alastair
Humphreys decided to procrastinate even
more by riding a bicycle around the globe.
After four years of biking and eating mostly
bananas and popcorn, Alastair realized that
all he had really accomplished was…riding
a bike for a really, really, really long time.
His current plans include getting a job and
eating meat.
8. China is Way Behind in the Moon
Race: China released a statement on Mon-
day, saying that it hopes to put a man on
the moon within ten to fifteen years. That’s
kind of like being the creepy old man at the
club, surrounded by 18 year olds and bad
techno. You know everyone wants you to
stop. But you keep dancing anyway.
9. Man Pleads Guilty to Trespassing
— With Intent of Horse Rape: A Seattle
man admitted today that he shouldn’t have
gone onto someone else’s property in order
to film his friend having sexual intercourse
with a horse. But no animal cruelty charges were filed because technically the court
found no bodily harm to the horse. Does
this mean horse-raping is technically legal?
I’m troubled.
10. Wisconsin Judge Makes Public
Peers Write “I’m Sorry” Notes: In an attempt to make himself giggle, a Wisconsin
judge issued orders for locals convicted of
public urination to write a letter of apology
to the courts. The letters go something like
this: “Dear Mr. Judge, I am sorry for peeing
in that alleyway next to The Blarney Stone.
The one where the big pile of trash smells a
lot. There was a line for the bathroom, and
I really had to pee, and I hate lines. Also,
I think I accidentally peed on a local stray
cat. I am sorry for that too. Love, Liz. P.S.
Can we be pen pals?”
Liz Thomas is a senior in the College. You can write
to her at cthomas@sas.
Jay Kim is a senior in the College. You can write to her at jihey@sas.
LEECHES
Continued from PAGE 1
yours and turn it into your name, somehow it just doesn’t
feel that personal. Plus their leering could possibly be misconstrued/truthfully identified as hitting on you. Creepy.
The Too-Cool-to-Actively-Market Marketer: Catchphrase: “…” Oh wait, they don’t have one cause they’re too
cool to talk to you. Effectiveness: I guess if you’re a coolness
whore and you see their silence as a sign of that, you might
approach them. Otherwise, standing/sitting there silently
in front of their banner or holding a flyer in a limp hand
has about as much effectiveness as a bucket of fish. Actually
scratch that, they have negative effectiveness cause their
presence blocks people from potentially reading the banner
for themselves.
The Screamer (And not the sexual kind. But close.):
Catchphrase: “BUYYYYYYYYYYY TIIIIIIIIIIIIIICKETSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS” Effectiveness: Apparently
third grade rules still apply to these people, who see the
loudest voice equaling the best marketing. It can be potentially effective to be a loud-ass when there are tons of
people on the Walk competing for voice space. Warning:
may morph into Chaser, see below.
The “Friend”: Catchphrase: “Hey, you’re in my Math
class! <Insert witty comment on professor/class> <Insert
awkwardly friendly small talk> Since we’re such good classmates/friends you should totally come see this show!” Effectiveness: You may get swept up in the illusion of being
close with this previously single-serving friend, but this
temporary distraction will probably not last long enough
for them to sell whatever it is that they want you to buy.
And then you just get turned off by their fakeness.
The Flyer Whore: Catchphrase: “Hey cutie.” *winks seductively* “Stop a sec and I’ll give you some…….flyers.” Effectiveness: Depends on lots of factors. How attractive are
they? How desperate are you?
The Desperate Salesman: Catchphrase: “C’mon just
take a flyer, please?????? Awww help me out here????” Effectiveness: This one tugs at the heart strings a bit. Admit it,
you feel guilty and somewhat embarrassed for causing such
desperation. Just take the damn flyer and end this humiliating transaction. Or you could give them the cold shoulder
and walk away feeling superior. Ego +1. Empathy -1.
The Talent: Catchphrase: “Watch my amazing dancing/
singing/juggling/rapping/twirling/eating abilities! Don’t
you want more? Come to the show!” Effectiveness: Sometimes it’s interesting. If you’re into their dancing/singing/juggling/rapping/twirling/eating extravaganza that is.
Otherwise you can feel sorry for the fact that they have to
stand out in the cold performing tasks that may or may not
be demeaning to do randomly on the side of the Walk.
The Chaser (And not the alcoholic kind.): Catchphrase:
“Wait! Take one!” *proceeds to follow you down the walk,
furiously flinging paper in your path* Effectiveness: If it’s
just to take a flyer, most people will give in and accept. After
all, no one wants to walk down Locust with a trailing advertiser. Especially if they’re a screamer too. Good luck.
The Comedian: Catchphrase: “Amy Gutmann Sex Tape!”
and others…Effectiveness: I’m a fan of humor. And often
outrageous claims that have nothing to do with what they’re
promoting can be refreshing. This only works if they’re actually funny though. Or if you can be easily amused, like
me.
The Friend: Catchphrase: “Hey, whats up!” Effectiveness: Okay this one’s definitely the hardest to walk away
from. Not only is the friendship factor there, but you’d
feel guilty saying no, and there’s always that potential that
they’ll help you out too next time you’re on the Walk selling
stuff. Go ahead, buy that $1 raffle ticket already, Cheapo.
Just how effective is all this Locust Walk advertising
anyway? Actually, even the most hardcore veteran ignorers of advertisers can hardly walk away without some sense
of what events/products are being promoted. And it’s especially hard to say no to a friend, or a funnily obnoxious guy
that personally serenades you, or that cute girl in your Econ
class you’ve been trying to facebook-friend but need to talk
to a couple more times.
So yep, looks like things aren’t gonna change. But you
know what, it’s not so bad. Viewed with a romanticized
slant, it’s kind of like a town market community center campus hub. At the very least it’s better than that time at Drexel
I tried to sell stuff on their equivalent of a Walk (okay it
was more like a lame sidewalk.) The entire time I was there,
only three or four shifty looking students walked by. That’s
why I’ve learned to embrace the Locust Walk culture. It’s a
lot less stressful that way. After all, we’re all going to be in
the position sometime.
Oh, so look for me on the Walk all this week selling tickets to a Penn vs. Drexel Battle of the Bands. Friday, December ninth, 11:30pm – 2am. World Café Live (wink wink,
shameless promotion numero dos.) I’ll try to change up my
marketing style to keep things amusing, probably taking
on the role of a Friendly Screaming Comedian. Appealing,
no?
Joanne Yuan is a freshman in Huntsman. You can write to her at
jyyuan@wharton.
D ECEMBER 5, 2005 | FIRST CALL | V OL . VI N O . 9
P AGE 6
GONE WITH THE WIND
BY ALE JACKSON
IT’S SCARY. UNPREDICTABLE. VICIOUS. It strikes when
you’re not looking, attacks when you’re unprepared, and
shows up without warning at the worst possible time. It’s
weather. And it’s taking over. At the risk of sounding whiny (a
risk I take quite often when it comes to this subject), I would
like to point out what weather means to me, southern California girl, born and bred. Back home, rain is a four letter word.
Along with snow, wind, and cold. Dressing for the elements
means putting on a hooded sweatshirt and dusting off your
sneakers,but not before shedding a tear for your poor rainbows that will have to go one day without use. (Editor’s note:
Rainbows are flip-flops, non-Californians!) Winter is denoted
by one week of rain(ish) and temperatures as low as (gasp!) 55
degrees, in a bad year. I’m sure many of you are saying right
now, “But it’s been so nice this winter! It’s early December and
it’s not even 40!” Well to you I have this to say: give me sun,
give me rain (or maybe even snow!) but give me consistency.
This past week had been gorgeous: blue skies, no temperature
below 50. The weather gods had apparently fallen asleep and
forgotten to check up on dear old Philadelphia since early October. Then, suddenly, on the fateful evening of Tuesday November 29th, 2005, all of that changed. Picture this: my club
volleyball team and I are on the way back from a scrimmage
at Drexel. Seeing how close it is (deceptively close actually —
who knew Hill was practically on Drexel’s campus?), we opt to
walk. Having stayed behind to gather up the balls, I am a few
hundred feet behind the rest of the girls. Let me back up for
a second and remind you that just two hours earlier we had
walked to the scrimmage, clad in merely spandex and t-shirts,
being not the in the least cold.
As I walk down 33rd street, I feel an ever so slight drop of
rain hit the top of my head. Being the overly paranoid Californian that I am, I whipped out my Penn pocket umbrella, the
biggest piece of crap ever, and shielded myself from the light
drizzle that had started. No big deal, right? That’s when things
got ugly. Out of nowhere, the weather dives off the deep end.
Gusts of wind pelted me with rain as newly fallen leaves, who
are probably even more freaked out by Philly’s weather issues
than I am, swirled about. At this point, I was leaning all the
way over, umbrella pointed into the wind, attempting to block
the onslaught of freezing cold water. Obviously, this was the
exact moment that my umbrella decided to go kamikaze. The
umbrella flipped inside out, surrounding my face, leaving me
helpless to find my way. I ended up stepping off the curb into
RIOTS
Continued from PAGE 1
Its aim is to criticize French social policy, and the fact that it neglects its minorities. It is true that
the French have never been too keen on the Americans and that they are the first ones to point
out the errors in any American policy. This, however, does not mean that Americans now have the
moral authority to criticize French social policy.
American politicians and media like to claim that no discrimination exists in American society, and that the American model represents true equality. But the reality is very different. We are
all aware of the simmering racial tension that exists in this country, and that no one likes to talk
about. The figures are not as staggering as in France, but the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that
African Americans suffer from a higher unemployment percentage—more than double—than
their white counterparts. Not only is unemployment higher among minorities, but areas with de
facto segregation continue to exist. West Philadelphia is an example of how, just like in France,
America has areas where mainly one racial minority lives, and for that reason these neighborhoods are stigmatized. Areas like these show that America has not fully integrated its minorities.
Furthermore, Americans should not claim it has a completely tolerant view of immigrants. Case
in point: Mexico. It is well known that immigrants come in from Mexico in great numbers every
day, most of them illegally. A lot of the right wing efforts in America are designed to keep these
people out because they are “stealing American jobs.” The French Far Right uses the exact same
rhetoric.
The riots in France should have given Americans an opportunity to reflect on their own social inequalities. Urban areas suffer from a degree of racial tension, and a high number of areas
populated by segregated minorities who also suffer from a high rate of unemployment. Americans
should not be so sure the economy will remain strong and that violence will stay low. We must
remember that the Bush administration has increased this country’s debt levels to an unprecedented level. The Chinese hold the American economy stable; if its economy were to crash, then
so would America’s. Jobs would be severely cut. This in turn might lead to a similar scenario to the
current one in France.
Instead of focusing on showing the superiority of the American social model versus the French
one, Americans, along with much of the First World, should learn a lesson from France. America
should implement programs leading to further integration of minorities and attempt to lessen the
disparity in wealth between different ethnic groups. If anything should come out of the riots, it is
the lesson that the road for equality stretches out for a long way ahead, but if it is not pursued now,
the consequences could be fatal in the future.
a new raging river on the side of the road. As I did this, the
handle of my Penn-sponsored umbrella became tangled in my
pigtails (a hard feat – they are about an inch long each) and
the entire umbrella began swirling about my head, controlled
by the wind and completely detached from my hand. From
somewhere, a Disney theme song reached my ears; it takes me
a few seconds to realize that is actually my cell phone and not
someone’s cruel idea of a joke. After finally ripping it out of my
bag and flipping it open, I only have time to yell, “Typhoon!
Can’t talk!” before my left sandal floated off my foot and down
33rd. I was left with one shoe, an umbrella with a mind of its
own, and a pack of Drexel students laughing hysterically at
me, once I finally composed myself enough to open my eyes.
The point of this ranting session, besides my desire to expose
my humiliation to the world? This freakishly warm weather
is not a blessing — it is an evil ploy to lull us into a false sense
of security before pelting us with winter. Although I’ve never
lived anywhere where it snows, I had prepared myself for my
impending transformation into an ice cube. All through the
end of October, I was putting away my miniskirts, tearing the
tags off my winter coats, and preparing to begin wearing socks,
only to be tricked into busting out my rainbows, unpacking
the tank tops, and putting away the scarves and gloves. So I
give you the final plea of a desperate girl:
Dear weather gods, whomever you might be,
Please, oh please, make up your minds already? Is it
warm? Is it cold? Should we begin construction of that ark?
Your prompt answer would be very much appreciated.
Love,
A California girl whose delusion that it doesn’t snow here
can not go on forever. Please, pull me out of my ignorance.
Ale Jackson is a freshman in Huntsman. You can write to her at
jacksn@wharton.
GREEK LADY GAMES
What’s Going on
Behind the Counter?
Pedro Gerson is a sophomore in College. You can write to him at pgersion@sas.
TV
Continued from PAGE 1
other network television dominance, sister cable network FX begins the first half of what
may be the final season of the never-better The Shield. Glenn Close will certainly be missed,
she and her character helped elevate the show to levels beyond even the amazing first season.
The fifth season of the dirty cop show begins January 10th at 10 p.m.
Another returning cable show is SCI-FI’s Battlestar Galactica remake, airing the second
half of its second season beginning Friday, January 13th, at 10 p.m. This complex and compelling drama is definitely reason enough to not call Fridays dead on TV… and possibly to
stay home on a Friday night. Anyway, the parties don’t really get going until after 11 p.m.
Last, but definitely not least of the January premieres, is the return of Zach Braff and
Scrubs! NBC’s only good comedy finally returns on January 3rd at 9 p.m. for back-to-back
episodes of semi-stop hilarity. I have missed John C. McGinley’s Dr. Cox so much it cannot
be expressed in more eloquent words. Fear not, fans of My Name Is Earl—I know you’re out
there, you bastards—Jason Lee and his goofy ‘stache are migrating over to Thursdays for
NBC to finally put together a 2-hour comedy block. Must See TV it isn’t.
Rob Forman is a senior in Wharton. You can write to him at robertf@wharton.
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LOVE, FIRST CALL
D ECEMBER 5, 2005 | FIRST CALL | V OL . VI N O . 9
BY TIM POTENS
A BANTER OF BICKERING
A FEW WEEKS AGO I went hunting for an interesting political argument and came back empty-handed. The ACLU
hosted a debate on free speech on campus, and I figured, that
as with any political discussion, there would be some kind of
disagreement among the participants. Sadly, I was mistaken.
Instead, every person participating in the debate agreed that
free speech is an essential right. I should have seen that coming. I had been temporarily blinded by my hunger for a political firefight, and only the fiercest debate could now satisfy me.
Last week, when I heard that there was to be a debate between
the College Democrats and the College Republicans, I knew I
would get what I had wanted, or at least what I thought I was
looking for.
The two sides immediately went on the attack, decrying
each other’s policies and throwing the occasional humorous quip at their opponents: “Bill Clinton didn’t balance the
budget. Having money left over is not balanced!” This debate
was everything I had expected, but looking back, I have no
idea why I thought that something like this could be enjoyable. The entire event was a stream of incessant bickering with
only a few glimmers of informative qualities. When asked how
Washington (that is, both parties) could regain the trust of
the American people, the Democrats responded by listing the
Republican politicians who have recently found themselves in
legal trouble. Would the Republicans counter by taking the
high road and actually answer the question? Not quite: “Well
what about all the Democratic politicians who get pulled out
of Philadelphia’s City Hall in handcuffs every other week?”
Yes, a truly enlightened debate.
Luckily, none of this was lost on the audience. About halfway through, the moderator turned to the crowd and asked
if we thought our questions were truly being answered. Upwards of two thirds of the people raised their hands and expressed disgust for the absurd turn this debate had taken,
away from the actual issues. The argumentation was only a bit
more informative after that point, but thankfully it was almost
Easy
Medium
P AGE 7
over. Now, this moderator certainly was not fair and balanced.
He took his fair share of jabs at the participants (and the current presidential administration), but his annoying slant was
nothing compared to the squabbling of these budding young
political hacks.
Sadly, this is what politics has been reduced to. For a long
time, most of the finger-pointing and pointless arguing was
kept in Washington; today, however, it has saturated the entire
country, as we all, perhaps thanks to the media’s encouragement, engage in the great battle between Red and Blue. College campuses used to be the main source of innovative ideas
in America—the one place where new policies could be created and debated while removed from the politics-as-usual.
Instead, we are now nothing more than a microcosm of our
divided country: an arena for fruitless debate and a breeding
ground for professional politicians.
Fear not America—there are still a few politicians out there
who can raise themselves above the fray and look objectively
at an issue. Congressman Curt Weldon, a Republican representative from Delaware County just outside the city, spoke
at Penn last week, analyzing the global geopolitical situation
and describing how America is prepared to keep us secure.
He has been spear-heading investigations into the U.S. intelligence services and how mistakes were made—by both parties
throughout the 1990s. How many politicians today are willing
to criticize their own party in a search for the truth?
Then of course there’s American’s favorite screaming maniac, Howard Dean. Sure he freaked out a little on that stage
in Iowa, but really, how can you not love the guy? All silliness
aside, throughout his campaign Dean spoke his mind and
outlined the plans he had for America, regardless of what the
Democratic Party line was. Now I don’t think I agree with a
single facet of Dean’s platform, but I respect his honesty toward the American people and his ability to cut away so much
of the political fat that coats a presidential campaign. Are
either of these politicians perfect? Of course not; in the end
SUDOKU
Sudoku #15
Hard
they’re still politicians (Dean is even Chairman of the DNC).
But it’s comforting to know that there are still people in Washington who give their own opinions and present arguments
clearly, without worrying about what “the party” says.
This problem of pointless bickering holding the political
system hostage is not easily solved. A truly open exchange of
ideas needs to occur, especially here on a college campus where
good ideas are in no short supply. I’ll even take an idea that
the moderator suggested before the debate: A debate could
be organized pitting both the Democrats and the Republicans
against a third party (say Libertarians, for simplicity’s sake).
This group of outsiders would bring forth the arguments of
those of us who see problems in both parties and have found
no single platform that reflects all our desired solutions. Given
the present situation in Washington, where policies from the
Right and the Left bear a great resemblance, maybe outsidethe-box thinking would be useful.
People used to say that too many Americans were lawyers,
but at the rate we’re going, every person you meet will be nothing more than a mindless pundit, dedicated to the proposition
that the other side is wrong in every way imaginable. I came to
this debate expecting to hear some interesting and informative
discussion about current events. Instead I got Penn’s version
of Crossfire: an entertaining show for sure, but one of little
educational value. Maybe a different style of debate, between
traditional political groups and slightly more idealistic debaters, would be more interesting and provide a better analysis of
policy. But until then I’ll take the advice my friend gave as we
left that evening, a statement that reflects the attitude of many
who witnessed that waste of a debate: “I should’ve just done
my homework.”
Tim Potens is a freshman in Engineering. You can write to him at
potens@seas.
Sudoku #16
We Now Deliver
Sudoku #14
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THE UNDERGRADUATE MAGAZINE | D ECEMBER 5, 2005 V OL . VI N O . 9
BY ADREYO SEN
SCANDALOUS SCHOOLBOYS
THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT a regimental institution that
makes it homosexual, if not in act, then definitely in mood and
interaction.
I spent seven of my formative years in a boarding school
in the hill town of Dehra Dun. My boarding school, like all
boarding schools I suppose, was sports-mad, had a specific
ethic and honor code (which popularized cheating as a benevolent and helpful act) and had routine-governed days
through which you could account for every single action and
time. Our only interaction with the fairer sex was through our
one-handed reading of certain magazines.
Despite any wet fantasies the bathroom facilitated, a number of homosexual or homoerotic social situations prevailed.
A favored junior was very much a coy chattel, to be called at
will and ordered to do menial activities. Desperate to gain
favor, such an individual would be subservient to the senior
and simper at his commands. Seniors also mentored certain
juniors, offering them advice and helping them improve their
game. In a sense, this created a system of ‘tagging.’ A senior
would have his favorite juniors who were expected to sustain
a fervent sense of gratitude and hero worship in response to
certain favors; team selections et al.
Friendships too, surprisingly, were never built along heterosexual lines—not until senior year, at least. A pair of
friends had one dominant and one weak member. The weak member, if ‘female,’ played
the role of the listener, was not engaged
in sporting activities, or was engaged
in them to a lesser extent, and provided counseling and advice. If
these two individuals shared a
room, the ‘feminine’ schoolboy
kept the room clean while the
other was messy. If the strong
member was ‘feminine,’ he would
offer aggressive advice, try and
curb the other’s activities and demand to rule and reform his wayward life. The advent of ‘socials’ or
supervised interaction with our sister
school shook up such established friendships and made them offhandedly heterosexual.
Nineteenth century boarding schools provide a similar
picture of homoerotic roles which are never satisfactorily subsumed. The hero’s best friend was feminine. Femininity was
indicated by such markers as wide open eyes, a trusting face,
gold or cornflower hair and wavy or curly hair. On leaving
school, the hero would typically marry the sister of his best
friend who resembled him facially. Thus, in reality, he was
consummating his erotic friendship with his friend.
In Tom Brown’s Schooldays, the wayward Tom is brought
to heel by his headmaster who entrusts him with the care of
a frail and helpless new boy. Tom protects and
lavishes affection on his charge and takes his
friendship with another boy as a betrayal
of sorts. Later, Tom is able to fantasize
legitimately about his charge’s mother,
who is his spitting image.
There is evidence for the creation
of couples in girls’ boarding school
fictions as well. Take Enid Blyton’s Malory Towers series,
for instance. Darrell Rivers
plays impetuous hothead
to quiet Sally Lou’s patience. Darrell is outgoing while Sally Lou
is more of a homeb o d y.
Their
relation
strengthens through the six
novel series. There are a variety of other couples as well.
The slightly more sensible
Alison in St. Clare’s becomes
fast friends with looks-obsessed
Angela. Initially a hero-worshipper, she curbs her friend’s indiscretion and disciplines her.
A number of social positions hence
foster a homoerotic set of communications
between individuals: the position of a heroworshipper, or fag (no pun intended) for one.
Given the absence of the opposite sex, members of
boarding schools feel compelled to recreate the same
set of social relationships they would otherwise engage in.
A study of Broadmoor mirrors such an attempt at social
normalization. Female inmates of this prison traditionally
look to create social groups, the most important of which is
the family. Some women have their ‘steady’s.’ They also adopt
other inmates as daughter, mother or sister. Such a social or-
dering also reduces brutality in prison to an extent and softens
the perennial lesbian rape in such a setting.
Sidney Sheldon makes mention of this in If Tomorrow
Comes. In a prison on a false charge, the protagonist is
protected by a ‘chivalrous’ if demanding large African-American woman. Social relations are
skimmed over briefly in the prison phase
of Double Jeopardy.
No coverage on male prisons reflects such a group of social relations.
Consequently, fixed homosexual relationships offer the ‘woman,’ who is
a feminine or good-looking young
man, protection from rapacious
inmates. A marginal character
in Moneychangers is protected by
his relationship with Karl and this
helps him survive prison. In Chandni Bar, two homosexual lovers rape
a young juvenile delinquent in their
reformatory. In revenge, he shoots
them down in their back alley.
Needless to mention, without
such protection, homosexuality
makes prison a living hell. Gang rape
is sometimes
the preferred form of new-boy initiation.
Indian colleges perpetuate homoerotic practices through
their new student initiations. To understand college hierarchy, the first year student must be ‘broken in’ and rendered
submissive. In the prestigious Indian Institute of Technology, freshmen dance butt naked in a dark room, the cigarette
butt up their arse, indicating their movements. Other colleges
have a system of ‘tagging,’ where two or more freshmen are dependent upon their immediate senior for restitution into the
college system. In the meantime, they run his jobs for him. In
a sense, they, as helpless individuals, depend upon his support
and patronage for survival. And it is this imposed duality that
covers homoerotic or homosexual relationships right from the
Middle Ages.
Such homoerotic relationships lack sustainability because
of the presence of the opposite sex outside the dormitory.
They are merely a rite of passage into college.
Of course, my entire high school class is happily and prolifically heterosexual!
Adreyo Sen is a sophomore in the College. You can write to him at
[email protected].
LEANING LIBERAL?
BY ANONYMOUS
IT’S NOT RARE TO HEAR jabs about Penn’s liberal political slant; many people believe higher education as a whole
is biased toward the left. I realize and accept this — I knew
Penn is one very liberal school among one very liberal set
of prestigious institutions. After telling my uncle a while
back about how I had heard Penn was indeed the most
liberal Ivy, he, in his infinite wisdom, quipped, “Yeah, but
that’s like being the smartest monkey in the zoo.” However,
I do expect some balanced standards. The renowned Daily
Pennsylvanian, of which I have been a contributor for my
entire tenure at Penn thus far, is supposed to engage in
objective journalism. I’ve been a witness to this goal: my
articles have been altered in the past to project as much of
an “objective” style as possible. I have not always agreed
with what the almighty editors consider “subjective,” but
I nevertheless respect their endeavors to uphold unbiased
journalism.
Although the DP prides itself on reporting objective
news, its editorial page is, of course, slanted. This is readily
noticeable; a mere week’s worth of reading editorials shows
that a liberal slant is present among the editorial staff. This
is acceptable. Editorials are designed for commentary, and
whatever the editors think is their business. However, it is
unacceptable for reporters to indirectly portray situations
in a biased manner under a guise of objectivity. At a conservative, College Republican-sponsored event on Monday
November 28th, a reporter from the DP skewed the event
and did an injustice to the speaker, the attendees, and DP
readers.
United States representative Curt Weldon spoke to
a small group on Monday night, focusing on his lengthy
career in the public arena. Weldon is the longest-serving
Pennsylvania member of the House, and represents the
state’s 7 th district. He is especially involved with American
foreign policy, currently serving as the Vice Chairman of
the House Armed Services Committee and the Chairman
of the Tactical Air and Land Forces Subcommittee. His
primary purpose was to speak to the College Republicans
about “foreign policy issues facing our country today,” according to CR President Kristina Leone. He did just that,
tracing cracks in the United States’ security system from
when the U.S. provided Saddam Hussein with weapons
in the 1980s to combat Iran all the way to pre-9/11 failures and failures today. Blame for failure was placed on the
Clinton administration (one should not forget Weldon is
a Republican, after all). But Weldon also said that today,
the government is withholding information from a program called Able Danger, which he believes identified the
9/11 attackers many months prior to the disastrous date.
He spoke passionately about his belief in this cause, and
provided convincing evidence for such an assertion. Besides
Able Danger, he addressed several foreign policy problems
such as the situation with Korea and former Soviet Union
weapons proliferation. The man was not a partisan hack;
he stated he has no problem disagreeing with the current
administration. He just wants the truth.
I felt (along with others) that Weldon was a very compelling speaker and that he was particularly strong in his
resolve to criticize both parties in an attempt to gain truth
for the American people. However, the subtitle of the DP
article read: “Weldon says human-rights abuses should be
overlooked to halt nuclear program.” In my opinion, this is
a disgrace. To a casual reader, such a headline makes Weldon seem like a terrible person. No mention was made of
Weldon’s reasoning for such a statement. The quotation
was not even related to the bulk of Weldon’s argument,
which revolved around the government’s past inaction regarding terrorism. No quotations were obtained from ordinary Penn students who attended the event. According to
the DP’s instructions on how to report news, all or most of
the above points should have been included. But, of course,
in a visibly biased article, accusations can be made without
following guidelines. According to this reporter, Weldon’s
reasons for his beliefs didn’t matter — because he supported a “violation” of human rights. The validity of such an
opinion is irrelevant; the author’s personal opinion of Weldon should not be a part of an article. In my eyes, The DP’s
so-called “objective” approach was compromised. Also, no
mention was made of Weldon’s Able Danger investigation,
which is currently receiving a fair amount of national attention. He believes this possible CIA-FBI cover-up in disregarding critical information preceding the 9/11 events will
be bigger than Watergate. This seems like a pretty newsworthy item.
In reviewing the article, I primarily blame the editors
for letting this little gem slip through to print. This may
not be a big deal for people that don’t know the procedures
for reporting; however, for those who appreciate objective
journalism that gives a balance of facts, this whole account
is just horrible. Yes, facts were given, and yes, Weldon’s
quote is accurate. But to showcase this quote without providing any of Weldon’s evidence to back it up is an opinionated disgrace.
This article was written by a student who wishes to remain
anonymous. You can write to the author via [email protected].