The Purchase - Purchase College

The Purchase
ISSUE 98
The Quest for
Campbell
INDY INVESTIGATION
The Lady Panthers:
Alive or Extinct?
Students Seek Evil Dead Star
to Speak at Purchase
By Jill Liptak and David Nora
“In the dictionary the word lady is
defined in many ways. Here are some of those
ways:
A well-mannered and considerate
woman with high standards of proper behavior.
A woman regarded as proper and virtuous. A
well behaved young girl. A woman who is the
head of a household.
But did you know our female sports
teams are known as ‘The Lady Panthers’?
Thats right, our nice little ladies who were
smart enough and lucky enough to get into col lege are now able to join the cute little sports
teams of Purchase. What is this? A twilight
zone episode? If a woman is making a lay-up,
or spiking a volleyball, the last thing I’m think ing about is how well behaved, and virtuous
she is. This is insanely sexist, and I think it’s
important for everyone on this campus to real ize how ridiculous it is that a fairly progressive
liberal school still has to fight against the idea
that women must be nice little ladies, act a cer tain way and in return get treated and seen in
that light. Dear Purchase, if you feel it neces sary to call our female sports team the ‘Lady
Panthers’ please plan on changing the male
jerseys to read ‘Gentleman Pathers’ as well.”
Angry and eager for action, a
Purchase students submitted this small article
hoping to enlighten the student body
“I think it’s important for everyone on
this campus to realize how ridiculous it is that a
fairly progressive liberal school still has to fight
against the idea that women must be nice little
ladies,” she said.
We thought it was important as well;
so as hard-working reporters we set out to find
the hidden sexism in our school’s sports teams.
After countless time spent researching and
interviewing, we were perplexed by the lack of
information we were receiving. The term ‘Lady’
was not present on the teams’ jerseys or rosters. There was still no concrete evidence of
the term ‘Lady’ or dissatisfaction about it.
“I really don’t think the title is really
By Patrick Cassels
used…even on our schedules, its Panthers not
Lady Panthers,” said Samantha Regan, freshman, undeclared.
But the school did use the
term…once upon a time. The term “Lady
Panthers” began in the early eighties. Female
students and the athletic director at the time
actually picked out the name. Purchase was
not the only school to have the word “Lady” in
front of their women’s sport teams. The uniforms use to have this title written on the back
but it has been removed and, throughout the
Recreation and Intramurals main office, the
coach’s business cards and all sport pamphlets
use “Women’s [sport team].”
Ernie Palmer, Director of Recreation
and Intramurals, says, “In my 20 odd years, this
is the first complaint.”
There was no hidden sexism concerning the alleged “Lady Panthers.” There
was a mislead student. Where is it that a student would get such false information on such
an important topic? By someone she trusted
the most to inform her: her professor.
This situation is slightly disturbing. In
a school where we pay thousands of dollars to
Continued on Page 8...
In the summer of 1979, a pack of kids
from Michigan piled into a yellow ’73 Oldsmobile
Classic and headed off to a desolate cabin in the
backwoods of rural Tennessee. Three months
and untold gallons of fake blood later they
returned to civilization, bringing with them 85
minutes of the goriest, goofiest footage put on to
film to date, The Evil Dead.
A quaint tale of systematically slaughtered campers, The Evil Dead escaped the Bmovie purgatory of the $5.99 Wal-Mart bargain
bin as carnage-craving college students sought
out late-night screenings of the gore-fest at
remote drive-ins throughout the Midwest, turning
the $375,000 movie into the multi-million-dollar
cult trilogy it is today, and launching the one-of-akind career of its Stooges-like, chainsaw-handed
antihero, Bruce Campbell.
Since The Evil Dead, Campbell has
amassed an unmistakable resume of schlockhorror masterpieces lengthier than the collected
works of Tom Cruise—though Campbell’s projects have traditionally included less making love
Continued on Page 8...
Letter from the Editors
Dear Purchase Students,
Chief Editors:
Bill Reese
Steven Tartick
Assistant Editor:
Emily Farrell
Office Manager:
Mark Schroeder
Layout Editor:
Kait Sudol
Distribution Supervisor:
Robert Stewart-Rogers
Business Manager:
Alice Gullotta
Crack Team:
Patrick Cassels
Mattie Davitt
Jessie LaBarbera
Kristin Whitcomb
Sable Yong
Nathan Parrotte
Writers:
Graham Beekman
Matt Caputo
Patrick Cassels
Karl Custer
Joshua Kurp
Jessie LaBarbera
Jill Liptak
David Nora
Tosaporn Sasitorn
Kristin Whitcomb
Chester Wilcox
Artists:
Danyelle Thillet
Josh Rubino
Robert Stewart-Rogers
Kate Sullivan
The Purchase Independent is a non-profit
newspaper, paid for by the mandatory student
activity fee.
The Purchase Independent welcomes letters
from the readers. We are an open forum for campus issues and comments about the
Independent’s coverage.
The deadline for letters to be considered for
publication in the following issue is Tuesdays at
midnight. After that, you must bribe us with
candy.
The editors reserve the right to edit the letters
for clarity. Publication of letters is not guarenteed, but subject to the discretion of of the editors.
Advertising space in The Independent is free.
As space is limited, The Independent cannot
guarentee immediate publication of ads. Editors
will determine which ads go in based upon their
timeliness. Outside advertisers are also welcome.
Event listings are also free of charge. To list
an event either call or e-mail The Independent.
We prefer that submissions come to us electronically. Our e-mail address is:
[email protected] You can also leave
material in the Student Government office, Room
1012 in CCN. Backpage quotes can be left in the
Back Page box, a makeshift container nailed to
the wall outside our office, CCN 1011.
Our office is located on the first floor of
Campus Center North, room 1011. Whenever
we’re working, we leave the doors open and
encourage people to come in and say hello. Our
office hours are Tuesdays at 7:00 pm and
Wednesdays at 4:00 pm.
The opinions expressed in The Purchase
Independent are not necessarily those of the
staff of The Purchase Independent or the PSGA.
The content printed in the Independent and
subsequent pull-put sections is the responsibility of the authors, not the editors. The
Backpage is satirical, and should not be
taken literally.
Finally, no anonymous submissions will be
considered. Instead, they will be fed to our very
own pink panther. So don’t send ‘em.
BORIS,
Over the course of the six years that the
Independent has been a presence at Purchase, it has
come to occupy a special niche as the paper that prints
wacky student submissions from the witty to the vulgar.
But along with this, it has developed a bit of a stigma, and
has gained a reputation for being a rag of a publication full
of dick and boob jokes with no content or reliability; that
the staff doesn’t care or take the paper seriously. But this
semester, we believe that The Independent has finally
outgrown puberty.
Since September, we have been making a lot of
changes internally, including granting more people positions of responsibility and creating the first ever staff of
writers. With these changes, we hope that we can still
have our dick and boob jokes, but can transform the The
Independent into a place where students can turn for both
entertainment and reliable information.
One change that you will start to notice on our
pages this semester is the “Indy Editorial.” These are
opinion pieces that are written by members of the writing
staff, but that have been researched. In a way these
pieces embody what we want the paper to be in a larger
sense: yes, they are opinionated and they are clearly written in a student’s voice, but they are also informative and
educated.
There are also times when we feel the need to
do some objective reporting. Such was the case with our
article on the Segway controversy, and this week’s piece
on the Lady Panthers. These “Indy Investigations” will
attempt to set the record straight on issues and rumors
floating around campus, in a way only that The
Independent can.
Anybody who is interested in joining the writing
staff can attend the weekly meetings at 7:30 P.M. on
Thursdays in the Independent office in CCN. At these
short meetings you can pitch your ideas or if you can’t
come up with something, offer to write one of our ideas. If
you are more visually oriented, we are also creating an
graphic staff which will meet Tuesdays at 7.30 P.M. Your
talents will be put to use in making images for the articles.
Of course, we will still welcome the unsolicited
GROWING,
THE
HIDDEN
HAND,
LUNCH
WITH
submission. We have always been a place for any student’s voice to be heard and we will continue to be quirky
and alternative in addition rude, vulgar and obnoxious on
some level. Only now, for our part, we’re going to do it
with our new thesaurus.
Coming up in three weeks (after the Indy takes
a week off), don’t miss our 100th issue… in 3-D. We’ll be
reprinting the first issue from 2001. All of the images in the
issue will be in 3-D, glasses included. In the spring, look
for our first Naked Issue—all Independent, all naked. We’ll
be accepting naked-related articles and holding open calls
for people to pose for photos. These are just a couple
things coming up in what should be a really great 20052006 school year.
Emily Farrell, Bill Reese & Steven Tartick
BEARDO:
THURS
AT
8
IN
THE
STOOD
*
Flooding Highlights
Poor State of Dorms
and Alumni don’t suffer from this problem from – like enhanced internet services, better heatwhat I’ve heard, so the majority of the problem ing systems, increased security and no floodis in Big Haus and Farside. Should the college ing.
really be spending money, time and labor on
Crystal Tyndall, sophomore Big Haus
By Kristin Whitcomb
building brand spankin’ new dorms if the old resident, had to rearrange her furniture
ones aren’t in the best shape? Should the because of the danger of her cords being
There aren’t many things worse than needs of current students be put on hold for the engulfed in puddles of water leaking through
dragging yourself out of bed at 8:30 on a
the window on her side. And if the fire
Monday morning for class. Unless, of
alarms are ever actually right and not
course, you drag yourself out of bed only
just alerted by the marijuana smoke, an
to find your floor flooded with ice-cold
electrical fire plus water equals disaster.
rainwater.
What is especially odd is that the probMany students complain about
lem isn’t in the basement, but on the
dorm life – their hallmates blare music,
ground floor and that the flooding doesthe bathrooms are disgusting, the rooms
n’t spread to other rooms (not that I’m
are either boiling hot or freezing cold with
complaining, because Crystal lives
no happy medium, etc. But the main comacross from me!)
plaint this past week was the abundant
John Delate, head of Resident Life,
amount of water where no water should
said “We did have an unprecedented
conceivably be – in the dorm rooms.
amount of rain the past two weeks, and
This week was not fun – an
the entire region was impacted by it. On
Photograph by Mattie Davitt
average of two to three inches of rain a
the campus a number of buildings
day, the flooded mall, the grumpy student
leaked from the heavy rain. We have a
population – but imagine how much worse it future ones? I don’t think so. Instead of trying to contractor working on repairing the sources of
would be if your one sanctuary from the evils of attract new students, the administration should the leaks this week.” I guess it’s better late than
the world was in the same state as the outside. be concentrating on making the present popu- never!
Leaking windows and wet floors and furniture lation happy and at ease so they remain at
There are inconveniences to dorm
do not make for happy residents, but facilities Purchase (thus maintaining a low transfer rate, life; I can live with the occasional loud music,
seems to be slow to react to the dorm crisis which looks good on paper) and donate money extreme heat or freezing cold and skuzzy bath(similar to President Bush in the Hurricane as alumni. Instead of proposing to spend $15 rooms. But flooded dorm rooms? That’s not an
Katrina situation!).
million on redecorating the mall and campus, inconvenience, that’s unsanitary, dangerous
Outback, Crossroads, the apartments funds should be directed to improving dorm life and unacceptable.
day than Google.com does). I typed in “Rupert
A news brief that I found from the day
Murdoch buys Myspace.com.”
after the purchase read “The News
Do you want to know the item that Corporation, making one of its largest bets on
was at the top? A story about the the Internet, announced today that it is paying
By Joshua Kurp
acquisition…from the British Broadcasting $580 million in cash to acquire Intermix Media
Company.
Inc., a Los Angeles-based company whose
I read the New York Times every
chief asset is MySpace.com, a web site that is
morning, and this Monday was like every other
enjoying surging popularity with young audiday-- the normal tragedies that we, as
ences.”
Americans, don’t care about. But when I got to
If you’ve been living under a rock for
the business section, one particular story stood
the past decade, Rupert Murdoch is the founder
out past the Iraqi election, bird flu, and rising
of News Corp., which owns Fox. Almost everyfuel
prices…Rupert
Murdoch
bought
one knows that Fox News, while attempting to
Myspace.com.
be “fair and balanced,” it’s actually quite the
If you’re completely unfamiliar with
opposite.
Myspace.com, it’s a free social networking
They lean heavily over to the conserinternet service which enables its users to comvative viewpoint which includes a lot of sucking
municate by means of posting blogs, using an
up to President Bush. Likewise, he’s in love with
internal e-mail system, and posting messages
them. I mean, how could you not like a network
to web forums. Users can also upload and disthat puts you into a favorable light even when
play photos and other information on their own
you’re wrong so often?
profile. For promotional purposes, many mainTo draw from a personal experience,
stream music groups also have pages on the
during the last Presidential Election on
site (Wikipedia.com).
November 2, 2004, I was interning at a newspaAfter doing a little more research into
per in Albany, NY and had to get in local electhis, I found out this took place in the middle of
tion races on the computer, which meant I had
July. I figured I must be the only one who didn’t
no access to a television.
know this (I also despise Myspace.com), but
Once again, the BBC has outdone the
I put Foxnews.com, CNN.com,
after asking around, most everyone had no media within our own country. The rest of the Yahoo.com, and a couple of other news
idea.
hits found on the front page were from blogs sources as favorites so I could update them
You’d think it would be a big deal which also say something about Google, but constantly. While almost every website had
when the man who controls what we do and that’s the not argument right now.
roughly the same election results throughout
don’t see on television buys a company,
My next stop was to the New York the night, Foxnews.com ALWAYS had Bush
Intermix, for roughly $580 million.
Times, where I originally found the story which leading by a gigantic mark.
Of course the first place I turned to was written as an opinion piece on October 17,
Jeffrey Chester, executive director of
while trying to figure this out was Google.com 2005. After putting in my subscription informa- the Center for Digital Democracy, says “Fox
(interesting fact, Myspace.com gets more hits a tion, I hit a gold mine of information.
Continued on Page 10...
Murdoch Hearts
Myspace
P U R C H A S E I N D Y @ G M A I L . C O M * M I C H A E L J A C K S O N O W N S T H E R I G H T S T O T H E S O U T H C A R O L I N A S TAT E A N T H E M *
By Tos Sasitorn
sounds plain and tiresome and now needs to be
hidden behind many guitars and percussions in
the background.
As for the two newcomers, they are
amazing additions. Rosario Dawson’s rendition
of Mimi is one of the best I’ve ever heard. And I
personally feel she is better than Daphne
Rubin-Vega’s Mimi. Rosario brings a very
Having the original Broadway cast
was a very wise choice for this film, as it shows
through their intense and passionate voices
throughout the soundtrack. Jesse L. Martin’s
(Collins) voice can still send chills down your
spine when he performs “I’ll Cover You
(Reprise). Idina Menzel (Maureen) sounds bigger and better than ever. Her voice has matured
and become a phenomenon. “Over The Moon”
and “Take Me or Leave Me” are wonderfully
nostalgic and new at the same time.
Unfortunately, time has not been kind
to the entire original cast. Anthony Rapp’s
(Mark) voice has gotten a bit raspier and annoying. You can also argue that his voice has
always been that way. His voice wasn’t my
major problem in the soundtrack. My biggest
issue was Adam Pascal’s (Roger) voice. Out of
the entire cast, his voice is the one that has lost
the most since the original recording ten years
ago. Most prominently in “One Song Glory”, you
can hear his voice crack at certain points in the
song and you can hear an older more tired
sound in him. Where at one time his voice
stunned audiences, on the new recording it
earthy and mellow flair to the character in her
voice. That nature-like and hippy sound brings
the listener into a more tortured Mimi. Wherein
past interpretations of Mimi have been a wild
girl from the inner city. The new Mimi still has
that but with a new twist added so that you can
feel more relatable to her. I just want to add that
the new “Out Tonight” is great! The new and
most distinguishable person in the cast, Tracie
MUSIC REVIEW
No Day But Today
Rent: The Motion Picture
Soundtrack
MUSIC REVIEW
Liz Phair Sheds Her
Angst on Miracle
By Jessie LaBarbera
Liz Phair is best known for her
provactive lyrics and feminist thinking that
showed itself in its fullest on her 1993 debut
album Exile in Guyville, which was supposed to
be marketed as a woman's response to The
Rolling Stones' Exile On Mainstreet.
As the years went on, her music
became softer, prettier, and generally more
commercial. In 2003 her self-titled CD hit the
stores and fans were surprised and some even
outraged. The album featured songs co-written
and produced by The Matrix team (best know
for their work with Avril Lavigne and Hillary
Duff). It was poppy and radio friendly. In fact,
the single "Why Can't I?" reached #32 on the
Billboard charts and even appeared in various
movies and television shows.
Phair's latest, Somebody's Miracle,
seems to embody both the vocal styling of Exile
Thoms (Joanne), is somewhat of a wild card to
me. Her solo performance in “Seasons of Love”
is both uniquely different and breathtaking.
However, I’m not completely positive if I am
feeling her as Joanne from her voice. Joanne’s
voice should be a powerful voice that can complement Maureen’s voice in “Take Me Or Leave
Me.” Yet her voice sounds very similar to Idina
Menzel’s in that number.
As for new orchestra-heavy renditions
of old classics, it works in some cases and not
in others. In the opening number, “Rent,” it
works very well to get you pumped up for what
will happen in the rest of the show. However,
the added musical instruments for Angel’s number, “Today 4 U,” takes away from the fun you
can hear that Angel is having as well as the fun
of the song itself. Finally, there is one new song
added to the end of the soundtrack and will
probably run during the movie credits entitled,
“Love Heals” that is performed by the entire
cast. The song was penned by the late
Jonathan Larson but not included in the original
Broadway production. Sorry to say this, but I
can see why. The song is bland, boring, and
needed not be in the soundtrack at all.
The Rent Motion Picture Soundtrack
has its great high-points as well as a number of
dissapointing low-points. But regardless, it is
not just a simple rehashing of the original. It has
its new jumps and kicks and it has this crazy
and obsessed little Rent-Head even more
pumped for the movie! Attention Purchasite
Rent-Heads! November 11, 2005! Mark it down!
and Whipsmart and the lyrics and music of her
first self-titled album. The first track, "Leap of
Innocence" would have to be my favorite.
Lyrically, it is the best out of the 14 songs (and
that's really not saying much) with lines like "
Musically, it is the same as all the others, melodic and radio-friendly, but more guitar
driven than the last album. Other highlights
include the first single, "Everything to Me", in
which Liz pleads with a man to stick by her and
be "that real" to her.
All in all, it's typical top 40 music,
which isn't always a bad thing. I don't believe all
music has to be deep and meaningful.
Sometimes, it should just be fun, and to me this
album is fun. Although probably not something
Exile fans would ever like.
As she gets older and continues to
shed her angsty, feminist skin, her music follows her. She told the New York Times earlier
this week that since having a child, her outlook
on life has changed, and so has her music.
How can one expect a woman to keep
writing the same kinds of albums she did 12
years ago? It would be stifling and virtually
impossible. Artists should, and will change,
even if it means losing part of their fan base.
Anyone could tell you were my instrument /he
No matter how far off into teeny-bopsaid, I understand you./ You wanna play me" per land Liz ventures, she will forever be my
sung off-key ( in her usual charming manner, of blow-job queen.
course).
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Gangsta Rappers
Were Right
people don’t rudely take the handicapped
spaces. While that seems to be a worthy venture, how they go about doing it is a matter of
great concern.
By David Jacobi
When Clarissa Marino, Purchase senior, qualified for lifetime handicapped parking
NWA, west coast recording super- privileges, she felt she had one less thing to
stars, and my personal favorite hip-hop artists worry about. Still dedicated to living an active
once said, “Respect the Police.” They preached life after an accident last year, Marino benefits
tolerance and love towards the hard working
men and women who put their lives on the line
to make sure our lives are safe from pirates,
brigands, and those no-good minorities. Fellow
rapper Ice-T was greatly in accord with NWA,
and promptly came out with his classic opus,
“Cop Hugger.” You know the lyrics. “Cop hugger, better you than me. Cop hugger, hug police
brutality! Cop hugger, I know your family’s
grievin’…hug-em, Cop Hugger, tonight we get
even.” During the 90s, West coast rappers
spoke very highly of the nation’s law enforcement in their lyrics. But what if instead of living
in the hard streets of Compton, they attended
Purchase College? Now, a cop on the beat in
Compton has a highly regarded reputation of
being courteous, respectful, and tolerant
towards all ethnicities and economic standings.
But a campus cop...There’s a good chance he’s greatly from being able to park relatively close
just a douchebag. Stay with me here, people. to where she needs to go. Last month, Marino
I’m comin’ straight out the underground.
tried to park in the handicapped spots in Alumni
When Purchase cops aren’t ticketing to move some of her belongings into her new
your car for double parking and filling out police apartment. However, a certain police officer
reports pertaining to the apartment that got who works the Purchase beat stopped her from
robbed while they were ticketing your car for parking. When Marino explained that she was
double parking, they are protecting Purchase going to go park in the handicapped spot, he
students in the best way they can: making sure asked for proof. No big deal there. After supply-
Zeke Hendrix:
From the Memphis
Buzzard-Tribune
By Chester Wilcox
There are many men throughout the
life of Elvis Presley who have claimed to hold
some divine inspiration to the King and all his
most famous musical works. One man, however, holds truer to that there statement than any
other. For behind Elvis Presley, there stood a
small man, a skinny man, a man who was never
caught shoplifting in possession of less than 38
dollars worth of pantyhose. This man was
named Zeke Hendrix, Elvis’ famous fried chicken chef. Though Zeke was toothless, saw the
world through only one eye, and had what can
only be categorized as a perpetual mullet, his
culinary creations inspired Elvis to live on as the
musical god he grew to be.
Little is known about the early life of
Zeke Hendrix, though most hobo legends point
to the King finding Zeke outside of a small
Memphis carwash. Zeke was in charge of hanging the air fresheners and reloading the CocaCola machine during the day. In the back room,
however, where he kept a crock pot, a single,
wooden spatula, and an arrangement of Swissmade dinner forks, Zeke composed what has
been called by two presidents and this guy I
know named Earl as “the greatest fried chicken
ever concocted.” In that tiny, filthy kitchen, the
legend of Zeke Hendrix was born unto the
world. Seeing him load up his Cadillac with a
“Bar-B-Q” style air freshener one day, the King
of Rock N’ Roll asked Zeke if he would come
and live with him in Graceland to provide all its
inhabitants with his famous fried chicken. Zeke,
unable to communicate by usual means,
blinked twice and stomped his one good foot,
which we can only assume meant “Sure.”
Elvis made every possible accommodation for Zeke’s arrival in Graceland. With his
own two hands, the King built a mud hut for
Zeke and his three-legged dog, Bucket.
Equipped with three stainless steel deep-fry
cookers, a two-story spice rack, and enough
fireworks for Zeke to fully experiment his
“unique” fetishes, the humble mud hut became
Elvis’ second home. The king made sure that
Zeke was happy by procuring enough televisions for him to always be watching a game of
football, the hobo’s favorite sport. It is rumored
that the king even bought Zeke his own football
team, the Madagascar Muttons. This team of
12-year-old little leaguers stole Zeke’s heart as
he became their coach, caterer and surrogate
mother to any boy with the last name of
“Burgess.” In return, no other man served the
King as loyally as Zeke. For is said that during
the first Super Bowl, when the King ran out of
his favorite rotisserie style and was too drunk
and too stoned to leave the bathroom, (and
ing proof, the officer conducted the rest of his
investigation with an air of skepticism. Bit of a
dick move, I’d say. Marino, although remaining
respectful, got angry, and told the officer once
again that she was not trying to cheat the system and needed to park. The officer eventually
let her pass but not without Marino feeling like
she just been labeled a liar and a cheat. “He
made me think like I was stealing. I really needed that spot,” Marino said.
Marino talked to the lieutenant about
the matter, in the hopes that the officer could be
a little more respectful in the future involving
such sensitive matters-- a reasonable request
for someone who just had to say the words, “I’m
handicapped” to another human being against
her will. The lieutenant could not give any solace to Marino and explained that the officer in
question/ douchebag of the month nominee “is
cocky,” as if that could actually explain everything.
When the Purchase College meter
maids gave me a ticket on Nov 2nd for not getting my inspection in October, I thought it was
kind of cute. When my mother came to visit me,
got pulled over, and held by police for an hour
and a half over a “wrong way” violation, I was
sort of upset. But to give ANYONE who actually needs a handicapped sticker shit just to flex
your muscles? Fuck you, Officer Dickhead. I
hope you get tied to a Segway and pushed into
a septic tank. Your superior referred to you as
“cocky.” Now, cocky is a nice attribute to have if
you’re a professional wrestler or a bullfighter
with a winning streak, but a pretty big crutch if
Continued on Page 9...
Zeke not being legitimate to pilot an automobile
under the legislation of Tennessee,) the servant
hobbled down to the local petting zoo to produce the poultry needed to satisfy the King and
his court. Elvis never let Zeke miss a game; for
the King purchased enough VCR’s to record
every football game that was ever broadcasted;
even some that only existed upon Zeke’s
request, such as the Rose Bowl where the
Muttons beat the Penn State Lions 17-4.
In all the world, no one, save for
Pricilla Presley herself, was loved more by the
King than Zeke. For on his thirty-ninth birthday,
which the King decreed would be celebrated
every Sunday after breakfast, the King purchased a sparkling new, pink Cadillac for Zeke
and would watch as the Creole cook would
struggle to drive the car with his one, bum leg.
The world came to know Zeke Hendrix as an
accomplice of the king, and, in the end, probably the King’s greatest friend and muse. He was
indeed the man behind the music, the appetite,
and, on some Tuesdays, the enema bag.
Few photographs exist of Zeke,
though it is possible that he is featured on several secret songs written by the King. With Elvis
providing the lyrics and Zeke playing background on the spoons and the banjo, the duo
created beautiful music that was known to bring
junkyard dogs and French hookers to their
knees in submission. It has been reported that
Continued on Page 11...
M O N D AY 10/ 2 4 * P U R CH A SEI N D Y@ G MA I L. C OM * I F Y OU FA R T ED F OR 6 YE AR S AN D 9 M ON T H S EN O UG H GAS W OU LD
The New
Supreme Court
just one example of consistent pattern for
Roberts: upholding executive authority. More
and more judicial challenges are coming up
against the way the Bush administration is hanBy Graham Beekman
dling the war on terrorism, particularly with
regards to the ambiguous “enemy combatant”
When Bush was re-elected, one of the label he uses to indefinitely hold terrorism susbiggest concerns people had was the very like- pects without trial and outside of the grasp of
ly scenario of him being in a position to com- the Geneva Conventions. Some of the chalpletely change the make-up of the Supreme
Court. Now, Bush has two spots on the court to
appoint people to. The Chief Justice spot has
already been filled when John Roberts breezed
through the confirmation hearings. The second, much more controversial nomination is
Harriet Miers to replace O’Connor.
When it became clear that Bush was
going to replace two judges on the court, the
first thing that popped into the minds of both liberals and conservatives was Roe v. Wade.
Would the right to abortion be threatened? The
answer is: it’s not very likely. There was never
much possibility of any overtly pro-life justice
getting through confirmation hearings.
Democrats would certainly have filibustered
any nominee who actively sought to overturn
Roe. Roberts has stated that his Catholic faith lenges may well make their way to the Supreme
would not influence his decision and when Court, and Roberts seems to hold views that
asked directly about his views he stated, “Roe would be consistent in upholding the Bush
v. Wade is the settled law of the land…… There administrations authority and trump checks and
is nothing in my personal views that would pre- balances.
vent me from fully and faithfully applying this
The second choice, Harriet Miers, is
precedent.”
much more uncertain. For one thing, she has
So, if not for overturning Roe, why did never held a position as judge before and thus
Bush nominate Roberts? Earlier this year, has no paper trail of her views. Although this is
Roberts was one of the judges in a case not unprecedented, a number of times in the
Hamdan v. Rumsfeld. Roberts found for the past judges have served on the Supreme Court
government and stated that trying people held despite having no previous experience. Her
for terrorism at Guantanamo by military tribunal nomination has actually drawn more criticism
instead of public courts was legal. This case is from the right than the left. The Democrat
However, funds are being misused and occasionally the Global Fund have suspended these
funds. Mr. Bryden advised that we must track
where the money is being spent. He also menBy Kelly Cantoral
tioned the World Bank, which attempts to help
by giving out loans but that often creates a bigOn September 10, 2005, the Youth ger problem because countries can’t pay back
Global Leader Summit took place at New York the loans and end up in millions of dollars in
University. The purpose was to bring students debt. We must end debt because these third
from around the world and inform them about world countries are only going to keep sinking
the issue of ending poverty.
in.
David Bryden, communications direcAfter the panel, there was the
tor for the Global AIDS Alliance, attended the Nongovernmental Organization Fair. These
conference to encourage students to help organizations attempt to help world issues by
diminish poverty by explaining that it is as much demanding human rights, promoting fair trade,
as a domestic problem as it is a foreign one, expand HIV/AIDS prevention and other issues.
and stressing that future leaders should
One organization that was present at
demand change from Congress by the year the fair was Youth for Human Rights
2015. People think that poverty only exists in International (YHRI), which teaches kids about
Africa but it exists everywhere. As the future’s the United National Universal Declaration of
leaders we must apply political pressure to Human Rights. Their music video, UNITED is a
Congress and demand for change he said. He production that informs youth about their basic
mentioned the G8 summit, which is where the human rights. The YHRI advises people on
eight richest countries in the world meet to dis- their rights and how to practice them. (For
cuss possible actions, but what they need to do more information about YHRI, go to
is make fast and effective changes.
www.youthforhumanrights.org.)
Mr. Bryden also spoke of the Global
Another organization that present at
Fund, an organization that helps third world the panel was the Millennium Campaign. Their
countries establish programs for development. goal is to cut poverty in half by 2015. They
The Supremes
Want to Change
the World?
Senate minority leader Harry Reid has come
out in support of Miers. She has donated
money to Democrats such as Al Gore and
Hillary Clinton. Ann Coulter and Michelle
Malkin, among many other conservative pundits, have blasted her relentlessly. No one
knows her stance on much of anything.
Perhaps the most disturbing thing
about Miers is how close she is to Bush. They
are known to be close friends and have been
for a long time. Miers has described Bush as,
“the most brilliant man I have ever met.” There
have been memos discovered between Miers
and Bush, including a belated birthday card
Miers sent to him in which she sounds like a
high school girl with a crush, “You are the best
governor ever – deserving of great respect!”
Simply put, her nomination is an act of cronyism. Her closeness to Bush brings out the
question of whether or not she would truly be
able to maintain a separation of powers and not
allow her friendship to influence her decisions.
Many are wondering if she really is
the moderate candidate they’ve been looking
for. Some are willing to accept cronyism as a
price for a moderate candidate. However,
James Dobson, who runs the fundamentalist
Christian group Focus on the Family, has
endorsed Miers. He stated in an interview that
Karl Rove assured him that Miers is universally
a fundamentalist Christian. In addition, interviews with two judges who are close friends of
Miers agreed that she would vote to overturn
Roe v. Wade. It has also been revealed that in
1989, when running for a position on the Dallas
city council, she answered “yes” to the question
of whether or not she would support a ban on
abortion if the bill came up in the Texas legislature. The White House has dodged the issue,
Continued on Page 9...
encourage us to publish articles and organize
events that showcase goals for a better future
and that create awareness by teaching and
spreading the truth. To help end poverty one
can also become “sweat-free.” To find out if
you are wearing sweatshop clothing, look at the
tag and search for the company in Google. Get
in contact with the company to find out more
about who works for them and where.
Boycotting clothing lines manufactured in
sweatshops, wages will raise. Fill out their
worksheet at www.careusa.org and send them
to your friends and families. All you need to do
is write your name, email address and zip code
and you can make a difference.
For more information on who was
present at Non Governmental Organization Fair
and what you can do to get involved, go to
www.aidemocracy.org or www.mdgsummit.org.
The only way to change the world is to cause
political pressure.
SUBMIT
ARTICLES, COMICS,
AND NUDE PHOTOS
[email protected]
B E P R O D U C E D T O C R E AT E T H E E N E R G Y O F T H E AT O M I C B O M B * P U R C H A S E I N D Y @ G M A I L . C O M * N E X T F R I D AY T H E
“So tell me again about this new MoreCard plan Mr... Stan, was it?”
By Josh Rubino
ARIES (MAR.21-APR19)
It’s high time to banish all
the obscurities blurring your
sight of the big picture.
Seriously, now.
TAURUS (APR20-MAY20)
While you may feel the
need to be entertaining
amidst your public, the
effort may strain you quite a
bit, Taurus. Why not try
going smaller scale: juggle
Snapples at the Hub or pick
a fight with a dozen raw
eggs.
making eyes at you.
LEO (JUL23–AUG 22) As a
lion, Leos like yourself are
often misconstrued as merciless carnivorous beasts
who make the lady lions do
all the hunting. The vulgarity of such masochism intertwined within the beauty of
the circle of life is something that you must appreGEMINI (MAY 21-JUN21) ciate and differentiate this
You have the means for week.
modest
progress.
Unfortunately there are VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP 22)
also several factors hinder- Among the injustices in the
ing your spectacular break- world, there is no greater
through. Stock up on glitter than (s)he who is left in the
paste now.
dust by some other bast a r d ’s good luck.. Give
CANCER (JUN22–JUL22) yourself a leg up for this
The silver limerick graphi- w e e k ’s coming obstacles
tized on the first stall of the and invest in a cape.
girls’ restroom at the
Student Center is words to LIBRA (SEP 23-OCT 22)
live your life by this week. As you navigate through
Keep that in mind when the the week, you may find discutie across the mall is
tractions in the form of misguiding signs. You have
two options: tear down the
suckers or listen to them.
All depends on where
you’re heading…
SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV
21) Instead of glasses halffull or half-empty, do away
with hackneyed philosophies and get yourself a
smaller cup. This is a pertinent resemblance for all
theoretical queries that you
will encounter this week.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22DEC 21) You possess
many talents, some that
even you are not aware of.
However, your skills will
soon be called upon by a
stranger—who
knows,
could be rich guy, could be
a murderer. Start boning up
on your survival skills this
week.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22JAN 19) This week will
teach you to be grateful for
the things you already have
by taking away something
you’ve always taken for
granted. On the upside, this
experience will increase the
value of all your other
belongings.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEB
18) For a sleep-deprived
week, things may appear
not as they are but altered
by the half-dream state that
you are likely to be in.
C o ffee can help. Unless
you’re a writer, in which
case embrace the
insomniatic inspiration.
PISCES (FEB 19-MAR 20)
The phrase “organized
chaos” is definitive of the
coming week for you,
Pisces. Don’t let it overwhelm your regular routine;
instead, incorporate the
wieldy tendencies into
something creative. Bring a
camera.
2 8 T H I S T H E L A S T D AY TO W I TH D R AW F R O M C L A S S E S * H A P P Y B I RT H D AY A N D R E W K U H L ! * A P I G O R G A S M L A S T S
“Campbell” from Front Page...
with Renee Zellweger and more
fighting to the messy death with latex-clad
ghouls.
One benefit such a career in lowbudget horror renders, however, is a volume’s
worth of gory, on-the-set stories to tell—and
nobody tells them better than Bruce Campbell.
It was with all this in mind that Jesse
H e ff l e r, general program coordinator at
Purchase College and long-time Campbell
enthusiast, got the notion last summer of inviting Campbell, “in all his Karo-syruped and
‘boom-stick’ bludgeoning glory,” as he put it, to
tell those tales to the college community.
“Back in August, I saw on his website
[www.bruce-campbell.com] that he was doing a
tour promoting his new novel, Make Love the
Bruce Campbell Way,” Heffler said. “I thought it
would be a great idea to try and get him to
speak on campus.”
And so a quest began. Heffler got in
touch with Bill Fargo, Campbell’s agent, who
informed him Purchase was “in luck,” Campbell
wanted to do a Northeast college tour in the
spring of 2006.
An inspirational start, but if the
Campbell-guest-starred
Hercules:
The
Legendary Journeys taught us anything, it’s
that no quest, however righteous, is without
obstacles: Campbell, Fargo informed Heffler,
would not be altogether cheap.
“With such a high price, I knew it
would be difficult,” Heffler said.
As general program coordinator,
Heffler’s budget wasn’t quite enough to bring
Bruce Campbell, or his stories, to Purchase,
and it seemed as if the star of Bubba Ho-Tep
would pass Purchase by like a momentary
summer breeze blowing in the…uh…breeze.
Determined, Heffler brought the matter before president Jeff Stein of the Purchase
Student Government Association, who was
intrigued by the idea and, along with other
members of the PSGA, agreed to consider
using surplus funds to help Heffler obtain the
Holy Grail that is Xena: Warrior Princess’ Bruce
Campbell.
The event, Heffler thought, might be
best held at the Performing Arts Center at
Purchase, which has already played host to
one member of the film community this semester, Silence of the Lambs director Jonathan
Demme—the first in a series which includes
Spike Lee, Robert Altman and Ken Burns.
“Those are great artists,” Heffler said,
“but Bruce Campbell is certainly worthy of performing in the same space as Spike Lee or
Robert Altman.”
Stein was enthusiastic about the
novel prospect of collaborating with the center,
a popular addition to Purchase College.
“I would love to see the Student
Government working with the Performing Arts
Center on their programming,” said Stein.
Stein and Heffler spoke with PAC
director Chris Beach who, according to Heffler,
said he “always wanted to collaborate with students.”
“Jesse and I spoke with Chris Beach,”
said Stein, “and the space is available.”
At the moment, the possibility of
Campbell gracing Purchase with his bloodsoaked presence is promising, but by no means
ensured. Even with the cost spread around, the
financial risk is not entirely extinguished.
“ We’re more than prepared if the
event isn’t successful,” said Heffler, “but I wanted student feedback to see what the campus
community thinks.”
With this in mind, and to see the
money would be well spent, Heffler sent a campus-wide survey to students via e-mail, asking
them questions like “If Bruce Campbell came to
Purchase, would you see him talk?” and “Do
you think Bruce Campbell is cool?”
Responses have come back, but
Heffler is hungry for further opinions on the
prospect of Campbell calling Purchase home—
if only for one night.
Campbell fans are a rare breed: small
but loyal. Not all have had the life-changing
experience of watching him chop off his own
possessed hand, in Evil Dead II, and fasten the
stump with a chainsaw (a modification he
describes as “groovy”), but those that have
immediately pledged their allegiance to the
Man. Heffler wants to know if Purchase can
handle the Campbell experience.
“Lady Panthers” from Front Page...
be educated by professors why is it that the students are being misinformed? After all, our professors should be the few individuals we can
rely on for accurate information. Unfortunately
this is not the case. The mislead student said
her professor used the example during a psychology class while discussing stereotypes. It
leads us to question, what else are we inadvertently being lied to about? Students here at
Purchase our subject to the opinions, mistakes,
and misinformation supplied by faculty and it is
disconcerting that we may have to filter through
everything we are taught for the truth.
However, there is the possibility that
the mislead student may have in fact misheard
(though she insists this is unlikely). The
women’s sports teams were referred to as the
‘Lady Panthers” for quite sometime, and the
professor could have supplied the example
meaning in the past.
Too many times have students
become enraged about an issue they are not
fully educated on. With rumors circulating, constant miscommunication, and just plain ignorance it’s difficult not to receive wrong information. A good example: that claim that Starbucks
was coming to Purchase. We are intelligent,
independent students and should not play into
rumors or angry rants unless we are fully sure of
what we’re talking about. It would result in far
less conflicts and confusion. It never hurts to be
fully aware of the facts before you bring up an
issue, even if you heard it from a professor (as
displayed in this case).
Our women athletes are proud of their
teams, many of which are doing better than
some of the men’s teams. The Women
Panthers are focused, determined, and sexism
free.
THIS WEEK IN
WOMEN’S SPORTS:
Saturday at Noon:
Women's Tennis vs. St. Joseph's
Saturday at 7:20 PM
Women's Vollyball vs. Old Westbury
Sunday at 1:00 PM
Women's Tennis vs. St. Mary's College
Monday at 3:30 PM
Women's Soccer vs. Farmingdale State,
T H I R T Y M I N U T E S * P U R C H A S E I N DY @ GM A I L .C O M * H A P P Y B I RT H D AY S T E V E S A J D A K ! * B AT MA N B E GI N S H IT S D V D
The Molly No Show
8-9 pm
P.S.G.A. Live
8-9 pm
Film Time w/ Ray
9-10 pm
Happy Dog
10-11 pm (Starting 9-24)
The Johnny Giovanni Show
11 pm-12 am
The Blast
12-1 am
Understanding Purchase
10-10:30 pm
The Film Fourm
11 pm-12 am
P.C. Times
7-8 pm
Variety Hour
8:30-9:30 am
Contrary to Popular
Opinion
10-11 pm
The Chet Wilmont Power Hour
12-1 am
Bad Idea
11 pm-12 am
www.purchasetv.org
“Police” from Page 5...
your job entails “protecting and
serving the public.” Most students don’t enjoy
cops on campus already. Having a glorified
security guard who acts like he’s fucking Bill
O’Reilly mixed with Scarface isn’t going to
help matters. I’m dying to know what kind of
person could park in a handicapped spot
without getting the third-degree from the
campus cops. People with Downs Syndrome
don’t really go to college, and they sure as
shit don’t drive cars. Handicapped spaces at
Purchase are mainly used by…get this…college students with physical handicap. It’s
hard to look at Marino or most people in her
situation and think that they have a physical
handicap. So, Officer Douchebag, your best
bet is to just take the high road, and take their
word for it. Also…next time you’re having
trouble trying to figure out who’s really handicapped, do yourself a favor and sit up a little
higher in your car seat, and look in the rear
view.
Instead of going on these giant,
hateful diatribes, I’ve decided to become
more thoughtful, and educate along with eviscerate. Lucky for you, I’m about to drop some
science, and perhaps some knowledge on all
of your respective asses.
-If you get pulled over, never admit
to anything. Always ask why you were pulled
over. This saves you from being incriminated,
and losing your rights.
-If you have anything in your car
that could get you arrested (pot, crack, child
porn,) respectfully decline when he asks to
search the car. If he threatens to bring in a
drug sniffing dog, your rights do not go away.
Continue to say no. Ask if you are being held
or charged, and if not, if you can leave. Just
because the Patriot Act is in effect doesn’t
mean your rights against illegal search and
seizure go away. This also works if you’re
stopped walking down the street. This works
even better if you aren’t an asshole and don’t
have these illegal items on you in public.
-Always get the officers name.
Always. Trust me
-Be respectful, but firm. They might
not all be assholes, but you need to worry
about self advocating for yourself.
-The less on-campus crime, the
better chance we have to reduce the police
presence.
-Stop being an asshole. If you need
to get drunk, keep the party indoors. And
“because it doesn’t hurt at all” isn’t a good
enough excuse to punch the windows at the
Hub. Don’t be that guy. Nobody likes that guy.
-Lock your apartment doors ALL
THE TIME. Stop being such a hippie, and
take some steps to make sure your shit isn’t
stolen every time you get high off of a
whipped cream can and pass out in the bathroom.
That’s all I got in me for now. Anger
makes
me
tired.
Read
more
Independent…it’s getting to be good for you.
Tune in next time, when I’ll be writing a hard
hitting article about my own personal dinner
recipes, which are both cheap and awesome.
Just like Singaporean hookers.
“Supreme Court” from Page 6...
stating that Miers does not believe in mixing her
religious belief with the law and that she views the
position of judge and the position of officeholder to
be very different. However, this contradicts Bush’s
statement that one of the reasons he nominated
Miers is due to her strong religious faith. So
although Roberts is most likely not a threat to Roe,
Miers may well be.
Hopefully, more of Miers views will come to
light during the Senate confirmation hearing. At the
moment she is far to ambiguous as to what she
believes in and the fact is, there are much more
qualified female candidates to fill the spot.
In addition, interviews with two judges who
are close friends of Miers agreed that she would
vote to overturn Roe v. Wade. It has also been
revealed that in 1989, when running for a position on
the Dallas city council, she answered “yes” to the
question of whether or not she would support a ban
on abortion if the bill came up in the Texas legislature. The White House has dodged the issue, stating that Miers does not believe in mixing her religious belief with the law and that she views the position of judge and the position of officeholder to be
very different. However, this contradicts Bush’s
statement that one of the reasons he nominated
Miers is due to her strong religious faith. So
although Roberts is most likely not a threat to Roe,
Miers may well be.
Hopefully, more of Miers views will come to
light during the senate confirmation hearing. At the
moment she is far to ambiguous as to what she
believes in and the fact is, there are much more
qualified female candidates to fill the spot.
S H E LV E S O C T 1 8 T H - A RE Y O U R E A D Y FO R FA L L B A L L ? W E D ON ’ T T H I N K Y O U A R E - N E X T WE E K I N T H E I N DY -
“Myspace” from Page 3...
News Channel is a 24/7 commercial for the
conservatives and the Republican Party.”
The misdoings of Murdoch and the
whole Fox News empire came into the national
light with the help of the movie OutFoxed:
Rupert Murdoch’s War on Journalism, released
in 2004.
The real stars of the movie are the
people who used to work for Fox News, about
how they were forced by the network to push
their right-wing views, or else they would be
fired on the spot.
Another example was when the son
of a victim of the World Trade Center tragedy
went onto The O’Reilly Factor, and O’Reilly was
tearing him a new one about one of his liberal
ways. Normally, the guests on the show buckle
under the pressure but not this guy. He held
strong with his ideas.
After realizing he wasn’t going to be
able to win, O’Reilly began to yell and eventually pulled his guest’s microphone.
Basically, Murdoch is the leader of a
company that hates to think liberally which
might make you think-- why would they buy a
website which seems to focus on underground
music, love, and well, have a certain emo feel
to it? Let’s also not forget the people who love
to create fictional people just to mess around
with others.
Those types of feelings aren’t normally associated with a conservative mind (how
many Republican emo kids do you know?), so
why would he buy it?
According to Mr. Murdoch, he bought
it because Myspace is “sticky, fun, and poised
to be profitable.”
First of all, “sticky?” You’re an
Australian billionaire; I don’t think you should
be using the word “sticky” anymore.
Secondly, the key word in his statement is “profitable.”
The 18-34 age group is the most profitable one, and Mr. Murdoch sure knows it. As
much as we all hate him, along with ol’ George
from the New York Yankees, they’re both
geniuses. They have a lot of money and use it
wisely.
Murdoch knows the number of subscribers to Myspace.com (32 million), and
some are on the website for hours at a time.
That means they have to look at the advertisement every so often.
Either they’ll completely ignore the ad
or they’ll become curious and begin to check
out the product. Let’s say for instance Murdoch
wanted to boost the ratings for Fox News, so
what better place to do that then the website
that he owns?
As teenagers, we love things that
move, games or just flashy things alone (For all
three, can we say those damn Orbitz ads with
the chance to play mini golf?), so when an
advertisement has those, a lot of people click
on them.
The link would then send us to Fox
News and that’s how it all begins: many, many
more one sided conservatives.
For the record, I hate Democrats
almost as much as I hate Republicans, so while
my story is pure bias, it’s also based on fact. All
the stats were taken from reputable websites
and none of it made up.
My prophecy for the future of
Myspace.com is just a pawn in the game of life.
With the country leaning towards a future full of
Fox News and things of that nature, every so
often we need to do something about it.
Obviously, I’m not going to say leave
Myspace.com, but instead I’ll say that we
should be more aware of the news surrounding
it.
It’s a shame that while this story got
buried, the news of Britney and Kevin having
their baby was basically front page material.
It’s a recurring theme in a society that
doesn’t care so much about the fact that we’re
in the midst of a war, and tragedy is occurring
all throughout the world. Bird flu and global
warming alone should be enough to pull out
your hair but frankly, that’s not what we’re
doing.
My last advice is to pay attention to
the actual news, not Fox News, and also to not
click on any shady advertisements on
Myspace.com.
s k a - lSTARRING
loween
Joe Ferry
& The Big Ska Band
Yoruba
The Tweedlers
Monday 0ctober 31st at the Student Center
You Know What
Really Grinds My
Gears?
By Danielle Gangi
As most of you know, there is a special
time in everyone's life when they realize a new
path for themselves-- something that makes
their brain click on and say, "you know that is a
really good idea." Well, I had the privilege a few
weeks ago to experience that very thing. During
a viewing of the new 'Family Guy' movie, there
was a moment during this movie when Peter
Griffin is in a video store and goes on a rant that
begins with porn and ends with the phrase: "You
know, that really grinds my gears."
Inspired by Peter, I have decided to
give this campus it's very own version of what
'grinds my gears'.
Is it just me? Or has this world just forgotten how to use basic manners? I'll admit, I'm
not the nicest person to ever grace the face of
this earth, but I still take the time to say “please”
and “thank you”. That's how I was raised. Last I
checked, it was common courtesy to have good
manners. I’ve about had it with people in this
society--especially those from the city. City people are just beyond rude--I should know, I am
one. I mean, is it really going to kill you to say
“please” and “thank you” and “excuse me” from
time to time? It hasn't killed me yet. I'd be more
inclined to want to step out of the way if a person smiled and gracefully said “excuse me”
while stepping off of the train. I'm from New York
City, so I really have come to expect people to
be rude.
But frankly, what bothers me more
then people without manners are the people
without manners who expect ME to have manners. One morning while riding the train, a
woman with an umbrella stepped on and closed
her very wet umbrella next to me. Of course, her
drenched umbrella (after she shakes the shit out
of it) showered me and my new, handmade scarf
with a mass of rain water. I then shoot the
woman a very irritated glance, and get in return
not an “I'm sorry,” not even a second thought -nothing. It amazes me. People are obnoxious,
and I will never understand why people actually
cut in lines, shove others out of their way, and
shake off their umbrellas without even considering the other person in the room. Of course, you
know, that woman would have been the first to
get up and clobber me with her handbag if we
switched roles. I swear, it really grinds my gears!
T H E C A M P U S E N E R G Y D I S A S T E R A N D W H AT Y O U C A N D O T O F I X I T - S T E V I E W O N D E R E X P L O D E S O N H I S N E W
”Zeke” From Page 5...
they have given surprise concerts under various fake names throughout the Southwest and
some smaller towns in Idaho.
The relationship of Elvis and Zeke
was much more than servant and glutton; it was
a complex friendship that can only be described
as a love for the ability and talent of the other
man. Elvis never belittled or bothered his humble servant but went out of his way to help
Zeke. According to some legends, upon the
death of Zeke’s mother, Brunhilda, Elvis refueled his private jet and flew to the desolate bayous of Louisiana to perform an unforgettable
recording of “I Go to the Garden Alone,” proving
that, when in need, Zeke could always rely on
the King.
However, as with all love stories of the
stars, the beautiful relationship between
NAME: Sir Burns alot
AGE: Infinity years
GENDER: Dragon
MAJOR: Burning
LOOKING FOR: Female
Dragon
INTERESTS: baseball, stamp
collecting, and eating gnomes
BIGGEST TURN-ON: fire
BIGGEST TURN-OFF: water
WILD FACT: Once I burnt 12
gnomes in one sitting
CONTACT INFO: [email protected]
NAME: Luna MacEnwell
AGE: 20
GENDER: Female
MAJOR: Womens Studies
LOOKING FOR: Hot male or
female
INTERESTS: I like to ski
naked
BIGGEST TURN-ON: snow
BIGGEST TURN-OFF:
Freeloading
WILD FACT: I like to ski
naked
CONTACT INFO:
[email protected]
NAME: Erin Gleeson
AGE: 21
GENDER: female, but these
guys in the Bronx thought I
was “motherfucking Harry
Potter”
MAJOR: Film
LOOKING FOR: Someone to
watch MST3K
INTERESTS: MST3K
BIGGEST TURN-ON: pupptes
BIGGEST TURN-OFF:
Humans
WILD FACT: I made a puppet version of my dad
CONTACT INFO: [email protected]
NAME: Nick Candreva
AGE: 18
GENDER: male
MAJOR: film
LOOKING FOR: some fun
INTERESTS: movies,games
Presley and Hendrix concluded with the bitter
martini of betrayal, spiked with the vodka of
despair, and decorated with the little paper
umbrella of shame. One rumor has it that it was
Zeke who fed Elvis his last meal on the toilet
just as the King overdosed. Another rumor
points to the idea of the King drinking and eating himself to death after finding his treasured
Zeke in bed with Colonel Parker and Bucket.
Overcome with rage and hurt, it is believed that
this betrayal sent Elvis to his grave.
Though their relationship ended with
hard feelings, the King did not forget his servant
in his will. For it is said to be written under a
large, greasy stain, that upon Elvis’ death, Zeke
was to be buried with him in humble unity. Was
there really a Zeke Hedrix? Was Elvis Presley’s
sole reason to be found in a bucket of fried
chicken? There are some mysteries that the
and all that cool stufff
BIGGEST TURN-ON: red
hair
BIGGEST TURN-OFF: rap
WILD FACT: Elephantitis of
the genitals
CONTACT INFO: (631) 7412652/ Jeremy NyKolis (AIM)
BIGGEST TURN-ON: lollipops
BIGGEST TURN-OFF: my
wife
WILD FACT: I married someone to sleep with her daugghter
CONTACT INFO: n/a
NAME: Zim
AGE: 76
GENDER: Invader
MAJOR: Invading/ Womens
Studies
LOOKING FOR:
Unsuspecting planet
INTERESTS: Robots, lasers,
death
BIGGEST TURN-ON:
destruction
BIGGEST TURN-OFF: Filthy
humans
WILD FACT: I am the most
amazing thing you’ve ever
seen !!!
CONTACT INFO: allyourbasearebelongtozim@yahoo.
com
NAME: Vivi
AGE: 53
GENDER: male
MAJOR: hobo
LOOKING FOR: godot
INTERESTS:
complaining,optimism, existentialism
BIGGEST TURN-ON: little
boys
BIGGEST TURN-OFF: litttle
boys who lie
WILD FACT: I’m fictitious
CONTACT INFO: Pour some
whiskey-- I’ll come a runnin
NAME: Fluffy
AGE: 8
GENDER: male
MAJOR: I’m a dog, I don’t
haveone silly!
LOOKING FOR: Wildabeast
INTERESTS: playing chess
BIGGEST TURN-ON: leg
humping
BIGGEST TURN-OFF: drinking from the toilet
WILD FACT: my spots will
make you hot
CONTACT INFO: n/a
NAME: Humbert Humbert
AGE: 40
GENDER: Male
MAJOR: Writing
LOOKING FOR: nymphettes
INTERESTS: playgrounds
world was never meant to solve. But whether
he really was a man or a mere fabrication of
local hobos, Zeke Hendrix remains a legend of
Rock ‘N’ Roll. God bless you, Zeke.
Chester Wilcox dropped out of Memphis Kung-Fu
Academy; he received his GED from General Robert
E. Lee High School. Besides being a feature colum nist for the Buzzard-Tribune he contributes to such
publications Barn Yard Sex Digest, Fat World, the
Fast Food Journal and most regularly to the Knoxville
Sperm Center.
Karl Custer is in the dramatic writing conservatory at
SUNY Purchase and has contributed to the Bucks
County Courier.
Matthew Caputo also attends SUNY Purchase and is
a contributing writer at Boxing Digest. He has also
written for Streets Mos’, The Greenpoint Star,
BoxingTalk.net and CrusherMagazine.com.
BIGGEST TURN-ON: ass
BIGGEST TURN-OFF: loud
girls
WILD FACT: i have a sense
of humor
CONTACT INFO: none
NAME: Amanda Miller
AGE:19
GENDER: Female
MAJOR: Dance
LOOKING FOR: male 6’ to
6’5, thuggy, but presentable
INTERESTS: art, regge
BIGGEST TURN-ON: nice
eyes
BIGGEST TURN-OFF: bad
manners/ cockiness
WILD FACT: none
CONTACT INFO:
[email protected]
NAME: Mark Schroeder
AGE: 19
GENDER: Male
MAJOR: Creative Writing
LOOKING FOR: a boy
INTERESTS: Hot black strippers, the bible as literature,
writing fantasy
BIGGEST TURN-ON: tassle
whips
BIGGEST TURN-OFF: vagina and other icky girl parts
WILD FACT: I can bust a
mean move
CONTACT INFO: AIM: siletfaithe
NAME: Lolita
AGE: 12
GENDER: female
MAJOR: none
LOOKING FOR: attention,
father figures
INTERESTS: sucking on lollipops, sunbathing, flirting
BIGGEST TURN-ON: older
men
BIGGEST TURN-OFF: curfews and monogamous relationships
WILD FACT: There is nothing
wild about me, my daddy says NAME: Angel Powers
I am perfect just the way I am AGE:22
CONTACT INFO: none
GENDER: Female
MAJOR: Media, Societyand
NAME: Curtis Mayflower
Sexual Positions
AGE: 21
LOOKING FOR: A man who
GENDER: M
doesn’t mind a career in exhiMAJOR: n/a
bitionism
LOOKING FOR: any girl with INTERESTS: Plumbing, pizza
3 holes
delivery, pool cleaning
INTERESTS: ass
BIGGEST TURN-ON: a vel-
cro uniform
BIGGEST TURN-OFF: fat
guys
WILD FACT: I can lick
whipped cream out of my
own... dish
CONTACT INFO: 1-800XXX-CHAT
NAME: Graham Cracker
AGE: 21
GENDER: Male
MAJOR: Political Science
LOOKING FOR: Teh ladies
(preferably hot asian ones with
boyfriends with psychological
disorders)
INTERESTS: Pollitics, playing
strip online poker, the south
BIGGEST TURN-ON: an
awesome rack, drunk girls
BIGGEST TURN-OFF: cops
WILD FACT: I once killed a
man
CONTACT INFO: see Riker’s
Island prisoner directory
NAME: Jeremy
AGE:6
GENDER: male robot
MAJOR: economics
LOOKING FOR: female robot
INTERESTS: spelunking,
scuba diving, photography
BIGGEST TURN-ON: a
senese of humor
BIGGEST TURN-OFF: taking
things too fast
WILD FACT: once I drank so
much milk it discharged out
my oral intake!!
CONTACT INFO: [email protected]
Submit your
personal today and
get some action
[email protected]
A L B U M , I N S T O R E S N O W - P U R C H A S E I N D Y @ G M A I L . C O M - H A L L O W E E N I S A L M O S T H E R E , YAY F O R C A N D Y C O R N !
Independent
The Purchase
The Propagandist says:
If you're going to make a parody
of my cartoon, please do me the
courtesy of being funny.
My Dick feels like corn...
Show me the butter baby!
Justin still has a fat ass.
Arthur for Dreaming Staff!
He hates the game as much as we
do!
"Underpants arms, you will
always be my wifey."
Erica
does
not
run
the
Independent
anymore.
Stop
spreading
filthy
lies
about
us.
Damn,
Mrs.
Dash...
YOU
SMELL
GOOD!
p.s.
cheer
the
fuck
up
mi mmy ,
y ou a r e.
m i dgi e
“If I was Jesus I wouldn’t have to deal with
these puddles.”
International
Student
Association
Mondays
CCN
room
0007
COME!
"I want to F him in the A
and C on his chin."
Mudbutt:
Kick the rain and clean the dirt out
for your shoelaces.
People at Purchase liste n to
BAD MUSIC
Submit
to
[email protected]
Spooning leads to forking
Do hippies melt in the rain?
With love, Ariel and Chris
INTRODUCING: THE INDY
Hello, My name is Wayne and I
discovered today that I LIKE
MEN. Yes, I’m gay! Any takers?
Hey idiots, eggs
aren't vegan!
Are you retarded?
Freinds don’t let friends suck dick
for E pills
Do you know the muffin man?
Fuck that. Have you seen the
crack monkey?
“ I can’t ge t him b /c I ’m no t S EXY ! I jus t
wann a be SE XY, dam n it 1”
What the hell am I doing, that’s a
mattress you’re molesting.
Stop leaving food around...
IT ATTRACTS THE SKUNKS!!!
You fucking SLORE!
You didn’t use any of my quotes!!!
damn you!!! grrrrr....!
My wall is percipitating.
Clap your tits.
Steve, why do you wear shades
in the daytime and glasses at
night?
Corner of Lust
You are not 1337
YOUR FOURTH GENERATION iPOD TOTALLY
WISHES IT WAS MY FIFTH GEERATION iPOD
FUCK THE POLICE
(201)????!
20 bucks says you're wrong!
Yea Yea
Purchase has dirty pipes...
wheres a douche when you need it?
Herb!
Herb!
Who
wants
Herb?
“He’s cooking a pot roast!
Like a pot roast you’ve never seen
before!!”
Time to de-funk-ify your ferret
W h e r e da e as y m a c a t y o ?
who
do
i
call
to
fix
the
hole
in
the
sky,
cuz
i
can’t
take
it
any
longer,
and
god
won’t
return
my
damn
call...
MOO
Happy B-Day Jess, you can buy ciggs now!
-Jessyha
so now i come to you,
with open arms
nothing to hide, believe what i say
so here i am, with open arms
hoping you'll see, what your love
means to me, open arms
I
hate
the
rain
when
i’m
outside
I hate my roommate- she’s so damn clean
“I LO V E A MB USH M AK E O VE R! R AR H! ”
“Hey Dad, guess what?
I saw Jesus today.”
“WHAT?!?!”
“Yeah, he’s in my media class.”
It’s like they watched a scary porn
movie. At the end the phone rang
and they said, “you will lose yur
virginity in seven days.”
What in the name of JARED LETO?
Moot You!
Hey did you use a
condom when you
fucked my boyfriend?
Purchase
Needs
A
lot
of
Drains
I Love Cressie Mae!
(shorty w/ a booty!)
Emo is R&B for white people: all of the
whining and none of the soul.
It’s Hauer, not Nauer, bitches
<3
I think you could get laid if you tried. You
have so many unique traits. Like a vagina.
Your impersonations are pathetic.
-The Real Jeff Stein