Read the Directory of Captive Species

WELCOME TO THE SEA!
DIRECTORY
OF
CAPTIVE SPECIES
For eons, the awesome power of the
sea has entranced and eaten us.
To re-establish our God-given
dominance, we enjoy capturing
marine organisms, placing them in
decorative tanks and taunting them
with our grubby, little fingers.
Hey, fishy fishy. Hey! Look at me!
Some marine creatures are beautiful
and good. Some are ugly and bad.
The rest no one cares about.
Meet the inhabitants of my tank…
MOON JELLY
Aurelia aurita
Graceful Cnidarian
Moon Jellies can be identified by their four
horseshoe-shaped gonads, easily seen through the
top of their bell.
Standoffish and effete, Moon Jellies care for
nothing. They are content to drift with the current,
playing by no rules but their own and not even
those. Moon Jellies have two mortal enemies:
pokey things and Peppermint Shrimp.
Individuals in Residence:
Arnie, Charlize Theron, Booboo
ELEGANCE CORAL
Catalaphyllia jardinei
Motherfucking Coral!
Elegance corals are a trap.
Their beautiful,
billowing tentacles, while enticing and attractive,
are covered with microscopic needles that inject
any that venture near with a deadly neurotoxin.
Infected organisms, including humans, first
experience stinging pain followed by a loss of
muscle control, spasms and, ultimately, death.
So, keep your pudgy fingers out of the fucking tank.
Unless you’re a ginger, then go for it. Pet the pretty
fishy, you freckled freak.
CHRISTMAS TREE FAVIA
Favia sp.
Motherfucking Coral!
This Christmas Tree Favia Brain Coral was plucked
from its home in the reefs of Indonesia at a young
age and sold into slavery. From there, I purchased
it and now force it to strip and display its naked
flesh for my pleasure.
It can’t even recall what satay tastes like, so young
was it forced into bondage and I don’t even care.
It is my bitch.
CAT’S EYE BUTTON CORAL
Cynarina lacrymalis
Motherfucking Coral!
At night, the Cat’s Eye constricts for protection, but
during the day, it inflates like a beautiful flower in
the synthetic sunlight under which I force it to
dance.
Its soft, billowing mane is filled with
symbiotic, photosynthetic algae that provide much
of its nutrition. However, when presented with
food, minute tendrils of mucus ensnare unwary
prey and drag that prey slowly, inexorably toward
the Cat’s Eye’s gaping, sarlacc-like maw.
Individuals in residence:
Franklin Alabaster Keith
GREEN STAR POLYP
Pachyklavularia sp.
Motherfucking Coral!
Green Star Polyps are the incredibly good looking
cousins of evil Aiptasia.
Throughout their life,
Green Stars are treated to deference and flirtatious
giggles due to their pleasurable appearance.
This works wonders for their self-esteem.
However, Green Stars tend to be dull and devoid of
personality. Still, they are super pretty.
The ladies love ‘em.
FIRE & ICE ZOANTHIDS
Zoanthus sp.
Motherfucking Coral!
The Fire & Ice Colony Polyp sports a lime-green
mouth and steel blue plate that terminates in
vibrant, rust-colored tentacles. Over time, they will
multiply and cover any nearby rock.
Though they may not look much, these guys have a
semi-aggressive temperament and the ability to
crowd out neighbors with vicious stinging
tentacles.
That's why I put them these babies in the corner.
STRIPED MUSHROOM
Actinodiscus sp.
False Coral
Mushroom or False Corals aren’t actually coral at
all. They are disc anemones. They are the posers
of the sea.
Striped Mushroom Corals are easily identified by
their stripes, which fluoresce under actinic lighting.
This tank contains both the purple and the green
varieties of Striped Mushroom Corals.
HAIRY MUSHROOM
Rhodactis indosinensis
False Coral
Like other Mushroom Corals, the Hairy Mushroom
is actually a disc anemone. They have attempted
to dissociate themselves from their aggressively
predatory cousins by adopting the coral moniker,
but they aren’t fooling anyone.
They sit sullen and solitary, hoping that someone
will notice how lonely they are and ask to be
friends. This endeavor is complicated by their
tendency to attack nearby organisms with runnels
of stinging mucus.
BULLSEYE MUSHROOM
Rhodactis inchoata
False Coral
The Bullseye Mushroom Coral is a member of the
leafless branch of the coral family that everyone
knows will never amount to anything.
It sits immobile, dopily billowing with the current,
soaking in the sun, which the symbiotic
photosynthetic algae in its inflated manifold
convert into energy.
Lazy shit doesn't even have to work for its food.
FRILLY MUSHROOM
Rhodactis inosinensis
Missing Coral!
Have you seen this coral?
During introduction to the tank, the Frilly
Mushroom Coral was snatched by savage currents,
never to be seen again. The Frilly Mushroom can
be identified by its many minute, purple tentacles.
Please contact the National Center for Missing &
Exploited Corals at (510) 517-5826.
Reward for actionable intelligence.
BLUE DAISY POLYPS
Goniopora djiboutiensis
Tiny Coral
Often referred to as the ‘crab grass of the sea’, Blue
Daisy Polyp Coral will quickly carpet hard surfaces
in the tank if left unchecked.
Luckily, when cured properly, these polyps taste
exactly like bacon and provide a healthy substitute
to Bacon Bits®, Bac-Os®, Bacon Sprinkles® and
other tiny, salted meat replacements.
OPEN BRAIN CORAL
Trachyphyllia geoffroyi
Slimey Coral!
Many assume that the Open Brain Coral is so
named for the mushy coils of tissue that make up
its body. In fact, the Open Brain Coral is named for
its tendency to open up emotionally to all who care
to listen.
Do not inquire into the Open Brain’s day or you will
be bombarded by a whole mess of weepy venting
and retold drama.
Goddamn thing acts like a hormonal teenage more
than a cnidarian.
CLOVE POLYP CORAL
Cornularia sp.
Tiny Coral
Named for their penchant for chain smoking
specialty cigarettes, the Clove Polyp Corals are like
a wind swept prairie pocked with wild flowers.
They’re the sort of coral that Anne of Green Gables
would traipse through were she a mermaid and
not a fictionalized frontierswoman.
WICKED ROSE ZOAS
Protopalythoa sp.
Purty Coral!
The Wicked Rose Polyp Coral likes to watch. It may
seem sedentary, but at night, when the lights are
out and all abed, they stand above you as you
slumber, standing close, slavering and naked,
touching themselves and muttering, “You got a
purty mouth,” while they touch themselves.
When you wake, there will be no trace of this
violation.
You won’t suspect a thing, but the
Wicked Roses, they will know.
BLUE SPOTTED MUSHROOM
Actinodiscus sp.
Motherfucking Coral!
Another imposter! The Blue Spotted Mushroom
Coral, like others of the same mushroom coral
family, are not actually coral.
With no accomplishments of their own, these
smarmy assholes have attempted to co-opt the
good name of true corals everywhere.
Don’t trust these guys.
HAMMER CORAL
Euphyllia ancora
Motherfucking Coral!
There are two varieties of Hammer Coral: Wall
Hammer Coral (Euphyllia ancora) and Branching
But you
Hammer Coral (Euphyllia parancora).
probably don’t care one whit about that distinction.
Like other members of the Euphyllia genus,
Hammer Corals sport a magnificent coiffure. They
are often seen preening in the light, gazing
admiringly at their reflection on the tank walls and
scoffing at Fabio. How do you do it, Hammer
Coral? Vidal Sassoon, that’s how.
FLOWERPOT CORAL
Goniopora lobata
Motherfucking Coral!
Unlike the other cnidarians in the tank, Flower Pot
Coral is a sand-based coral. If you place this polyp
colony on a rock, it will flip itself over until it lands
in the sand. This behavior is incredibly amusing to
watch, much like rolling a baby down the stairs.
I mean a Slinky.
Like rolling a Slinky down the stairs. That’s what I
meant.
Don’t roll babies down stairs. They hate that.
SUN CORAL
Tubastrea coccinea
Motherfucking Coral!
The Sun Coral is the only completely nonphotosynthetic coral in the tank.
Rather than
absorb the restorative powers of the sun for
warmth and sustenance, they shun the day and
prefer to viciously snatch unsuspecting
zooplankton as they harmlessly drift by.
You’d think that the Sun Coral’s prey would learn to
stay away from this brightly colored, sessile
predator. They don’t learn so they deserve to die.
TONGUE CORAL
Polyphyllia sp.
Motherfucking Coral!
The Sommelier of the Sea, Tongue Corals have
been blessed with fine-tuned palette and plagued
with snooty attitude. It sits on the sand, gingerly
sampling the flavor of the water that rustles its
buds and silently judging so that it might later
update its unvisited blog with details of the
experience: "Today the current has a nutty flavor
with rosy legs and an overpowering saltiness. Two
thumbs down."
No shit, it's salty, asshole. You live in the sea.
PIPE ORGAN CORAL
Tubipora musica
Motherfucking Coral!
Pipe Organ Corals are a soft coral, unlike the others
in the tank.
Certainly, they generate minute
calcareous elements for support, but not nearly to
the same degree as the more popular hard corals
with their elaborate structural elements. Where
hard corals have tubes, soft corals have only tines.
Perpetually plagued by these cases of mistaken
identity, Pipe Organ Corals are known for their oft
uttered ‘No, you don’t know me’s and ‘I’m sorry, sir,
but you are mistaken. Please, unhand me or I shall
alert the authorities!’s.
TUBS BLUE ZOANTHIDS
Zoanthis sp.
Motherfucking Coral!
GALAXY CORAL
Motherfucking Coral!
Tubs Blue Zoanthids form a close colony with
others of their species.
They may seem harmless and hospitable at the
outset, but behind close doors they pooh-pooh
other species and laugh at your expense.
You’ll never see a Tubs Blue Zoa returning a
wayward baseball to children.
My God, it’s full of stars!
Glaxea fascicularis
FROGSPAWN CORAL
Euphyllia divisa
Motherfucking Coral!
Frogspawn Corals are the youngest of the Euphyllia
brood. This annoying brat always wants to play
with its older brothers, Hammer and Elegance.
“Hey, wait up, fellahs! Wait up!” But Frogspawns
stubby, prepubescent legs falter and fail, and once
again, poor junior Euphyllia is left behind to play
with the dopey mushroom corals and other sessile
aqua fauna.
One day, Frogspawn. One day…
FEATHER DUSTER WORM
Sebellastarte sp.
Worm
Feather Duster Worms are easily startled and
prone to fits of the vapors. When erect, these
flighty fellows sport fabulous plumage. However,
at the slightest movement, change in light or
current, they sucks their crown of feeding
appendages in and cower until the source of
startlement, typically a child of mentally challenged
adult, has passed.
Individuals in Residence:
Delilah
AIPTASIA ANEMONE
Aiptasia sp.
Evil Cnidarian!
Aiptasia are assholes, through and through. Their
squishy, little hearts smolder with burning hatred
for the Green Star Polyp. Growing up ugly next to
their incredibly good looking cousins, Aiptasia are
often neglected by women and passed over for
promotions.
They sway, silently concocting all
manner of retaliatory evils. Though their anger has
a focus, it is indiscriminate. Aiptasia care little for
other organisms, often massacring tank inhabitants
en mass in their tireless quest for vengeance.
Just you wait, Green Star. Just you wait.
MAJANO ANEMONE
Majano sp.
Evil Cnidarian!
Majano Anemones are often employed as
henchmen by Aiptasia, their more driven cousin.
Left unchecked, they will spread quickly and wreak
havoc on less aggressive corals with their vicious,
stinging tentacles.
Though they may seem at first to be harmless,
Majano Anemones delight in tormenting children
and puppies.
PEPPERMINT SHRIMP
Lysmata wurdemanni
Rambunctious Crustacean
Peppermint Shrimp are hailed as heroes by the
aquarium community. They scamper about pellmell devouring every available morsel of food in
the tank.
This food includes evil cnidarians.
Without Peppermint Shrimp, the tank would be a
waste of angry Aiptasia and their Majano
henchthugs. Unfortunately, Peppermint Shrimp
loathe peaceful Moon Jellies, eviscerating them
with Matrix-like movements until the water is thick
with globular remnants.
Individuals in Residence:
Vick, Bob and Downstairs Bob
RED-LEG HERMIT CRAB
Clibanarius digueti
Hungry Crustacean
The Dwarf Red-Leg Hermit Crabs is finicky about
their wardrobe and is often seen exchanging shells
with others in the tank.
These omnivores clean the tank of strewn detritus,
shoveling shit into their mouths in the frenzied
manner of a Hungry Hungry Hippo.
Individuals in Residence:
Konrad the Butcher, Maximus Sexcopter, Killa,
Herb, Isolde, Rufus, Maximus Sexcopter II, Elmer
Pile, Aleister Crowley and Friends!
BLUE-LEG HERMIT CRAB
Clibanarius tricolor
Voracious Crustacean
Dwarf Blue-Leg Hermit Crabs are terribly sensitive
about their small size. They often attempt to make
up for feelings of inadequacy by seeking out
unique shells to inhabit. See: Blumblebee Hermit
Crab and Albino Hermit Crab.
They consume
constantly in a vain attempt to grow even just
another inch. Some wear stiletto heels for the
same purpose.
Individuals in Residence:
Pubes the Crab, Hot Foot Luke, The Dark Lord
Himself, Baron Von Munchausen, Tiny Dancer
EMERALD MITHRAX CRAB
Mithrax sculptus
Unseen Crustacean
These tiny crustaceans love shoveling algae down
their gullets with dull-tipped claws. They especially
enjoy devouring pustule-like Bubble Algae.
Emerald Mithrax Crabs are well camouflaged and
typically tough to spot.
They sport flat, shiny, green bodies and hairy legs
due to their steadfastly feminist bent.
Individuals in Residence:
Herman, Georgie Boy
COPEPOD
Copepoda sp.
Minute Crustacean
Copepods are tiny white bugs.
They both clean the tank of algae and, when
careless, provide food for fish and invertebrates.
Copepod means ‘oar feet’ in Mexican or something.
I prefer to call them 'sea fleas' and hope that, one
day, this snazzier nomenclature will catch on.
SKUNK SHRIMP
Lysmata wurdemanni
Tidy Crustacean
Named for their white stripes, Skunk Shrimp are
the stylists of the sea. These two have set up that
salon on the Tongan Branching Rock at the left of
the tank. There they wait for clients unhappy with
with appearance who approach to have parasites
and algae removed. If you stick your hand in the
tank, they will clean that, too.
Don’t stick your fucking hand in the tank.
Individuals in Residence:
Pepé Le Pew and Vidal Sassoon
RUBY MITHRAX CRAB
Mithrax ruber
Voracious Crustacean
R u b y C ra b s a r e t h e s t o l i d l y c o m m u n i s t
counterparts to those hairy-legged Feminists of the
Sea: Emerald Crabs. They often inappropriately
tout passages from Marx’s poorly understood
treatise: ‘In any given Capitalist environment the
proletariat will revolt against the repression of the
bougeoise and after a brief period of socialist rule,
emerge as a classless society governed by the
community corporation.’
Right.
Whatever.
Takeout or dine in, you pretentious fuck?
Individuals in Residence:
Boris the Love Hammer
CHOCO-CHIP STARFISH
Protoreaster nodosus
Solitary Echinoderm
The Chocolate Chip Starfish is a misanthropic
curmudgeon. He is quite content to wander the
Refugium alone, entertaining himself with his
extensive collection of drugstore coloring books.
Often, more social tank inhabitants will ask if they
can play and Coco inevitably responds, “No, damn
you! I only have enough Crayons for one!”
Individuals in Residence:
Coco
ASTREA TURBO SNAIL
Astraea tecta
Clumsy Gastropod
BUMBLE BEE SNAIL
Enigma mendicaria
Dead Gastropod
Unlike other snails and, indeed, pretty much all
living creatures, Astreas Turbo Snails are unable to
right themselves once inverted, just like the
surviving members of popular ‘90’s studdly-pop
supergroup ‘N Sync.
Many often ask, "Why is it called the ‘Bumblebee’
Snail?”
Individuals in Residence:
Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Crhis Kirkpatrick, Joey
Fatone and Lance Bass.
Individuals in Residence:
I think maybe that one is dead.
when I got him. I swear.
Science has recently uncovered the answer to that
age-old query: “Are you fucking retarded?”
It was that way
TIGER SAND CONCH
Strombus sp.
Flighty Gastropod
No one expects much of the Tiger Sand Conch.
This peaceful detritivore lays dormant during the
day and plays World of Warcraft all night.
Tiger Sand Conches are known for their fondness
of Cheetos and Mountain Dew Code Red.
Individuals in Residence:
Helpful Hal
MESICAN TURBO SNAIL
Turbo fluctuosa
Stubborn Gastropod
Mesican Turbo Snails either have very poor
eyesight or they just don't give a shit. These fatties
barrel over or through tank inhabitants in their
slavering quest for food. Turbos love to eat algae
while watching daytime TV and they hate salted
nuts with the burning passion of a thousand suns.
Individuals in Residence:
Yawalla Wonker, Queen of the Amazon; Oprah; Tall
Dan; Twarq the Torturer; Mr. Squishy Face;
Speedaemon
MEXICAN CERITH SNAIL
Cerithium sp.
Argumentative Gastropod
This active scavenger can consume large amounts
of uneaten food, fish shit and algae. Cerith Snails
have a tenuous relationship with Red-Leg Hermit
Crabs, who like to appropriate Cerith shells for use
as hermit homes.
TONGAN NASSARIUS SNAIL Nassarius distortus
Zombie Gastropod
You will never win an argument with a Cerith Snail.
Don’t even try.
The Tongan Nassarius or Zombie Snail buries itself
in the sand until only its feeding proboscis is
visible. Like this is lays in wait until it senses food,
at which point it rises from its shallow, sandy grave
to feed. If you listen closely, you can hear the
mating call of the Zombie Snail which sounds
something like, “Brains.
Brains-brains.
BRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNSSS!”
Individuals in Residence:
Bob, George, Mexican George, Herbert, Horatio,
Hermione, Halbert, Hal, and the gang.
Individuals in Residence:
Dead Earl, Dead Dick, Dead Harold, Dead Bertha,
Darth Vader, Shy Pete
ALBINO HERMIT CRAB
Clibanarius tricolor
Chimera!
This little Blue-Leg Hermit Crab has appropriated a
sun-bleached Cerith Snail shell for its home.
Apparently, the more fully colored shell with which
it was purchased was not flashy enough.
Why anyone would choose to adopt the guise of
one of those pasty, pink-eyed freaks is beyond me.
Individuals in Residence:
Jonas the White
BUMBLEBEE HERMIT CRAB
Clibanarius tricolor
Chimera!
This little Blue-Leg Hermit Crab thinks he’s fucking
special. A precious, little snowflake. He picked out
the flashiest shell in the tank and stopped at
nothing until it was his own.
Goddamned prima donna.
Individuals in Residence:
Stripey Paul
BANGGAI CARDINALFISH
Pterapogon kaudemi
¡Fish!
These three amigos were bred in captivity and so
have no knowledge that a world exists outside their
tank.
They spend their time gazing upon their reflection
in the aquarium glass. Banggais are vain, shallow
and materialistic, constantly jockeying for a better
position and view of themselves.
Individuals in Residence:
Lucky Day, Dusty Bottoms and Ned Nederlander –
¡The Three Amigos!
ROYAL GRAMMA
Gramma lereto
Fish!
The Royal Gramma is an agoraphobic. He ventures
from his rocky home only to feed before flitting
quickly back inside. Inside his dwelling, the Royal
Gramma watches daytime television, throws tea
parties for his cats and complains to his stuffed
animal friends that no one loves him.
He's right, though.
No one loves you, Wiggins.
Individuals in Residence:
Tony “Don’t Call Me Anthony” Wiggins
ORCHID DOTTYBACK
Pseudochromis tridmani
Fish!
In 1972, Grimace joined forces with the
Hamburglar, Ronald McGinger and Mayor
McCheese in their smiling plot to convince children
that they must consume sugary, fizzy water;
misshapen hamburgers with All Beef® Brand
patties; and heavily salted fries even though these
barely edible comestibles will make those children
lethargic, amusingly chubby and fatally diabetic,
just because there’s a cheap, plastic toy included
with each ‘meal’.
Individuals in Residence:
Grimace
BLUE REEF CHROMIS
Chromis viridis
Fish!
The Dullards of the Sea, Chromis entertain other
reef inhabitants with their bumbling antics and
clumsy slapstick.
Chromis may be silly and amusing, but every time I
laugh, I miss Curly a little bit more. Curly isn’t
coming back, though. He’s dead and Shimp is a
poor substitute.
Individuals in Residence:
Larry, Moe and Shimp
STARRY BLENNY
Salarias ramosus
Fish!
The Starry Blenny can be found sitting alone on the
rocks, watching other tank inhabitants gambol and
caper about in the surf. Why don’t you go play with
the other fish, Starry Blenny?
I can’t. They’ll make me sick. Mother says so.
The Starry Blenny is homeschooled. Because of
this, he is socially awkward and considered ‘weird’
by others.
Individuals in Residence:
Horace
BLACK OCELLARIS
Amphiprion ocellaris
Fish!
The Ocellaris or False Percula Clownfish is closely
related to A. percula, the True Percula Clownfish or
Nemo Fish. As with all clownfish, the largest in an
environment becomes the dominant female and
the rest her harem of meek, male sex slaves. The
dark color here is caused by a mutation that
increases melanin in the skin. Professor Xavier
hates orphans and close talkers.
Individuals in Residence:
Professor Xavier P. Worthington and his OrphanPowered Death Machine
PERCULA CLOWNFISH
Amphiprion percula
Fish!
The True Percula Clownfish entered the popular
spotlight after a lead role in the Disney
pornographic thriller Finding and Eating Nemo.
Sadly, since that film, the True Percula has found
little work in Hollywood.
Still, the flamboyant
bastards won’t stop talking about it.
ELEGANT FIREFISH
Nemateleotris decora
Fish!
One of the few monogamous fish, Firefish are
identified by the haggard yellowing around their
eyes. “I had it all, once,” he’s rues. “I was the life
of parties and center of social circles.” But he has
now been claimed by his authoritarian bride
imagines daily the lamentation of those nubile,
unclaimed women-fish.
Come on, dude. That was 2003. Get over it. You’re
not an actor. You’re a waiter.
See the sadness in his yellow eyes?
Individuals in Residence:
Bozo and Pennywise
Individuals in Residence:
Pablo
BLUE TANG
Paracanthurus hepatus
Fish!
Best known for its supporting role as Dory in
Disney's pornographic thriller Finding and Eating
Nemo alongside the True Percula Clownfish.
However, where the Clownfish never worked in
Hollywood again and still won't shut up about its
brief cinematic stint, the Blue Tang has parlayed
significant theatrical talent into a successful career
in film and theater, including a critically acclaimed
lead role in the off Broadway romantic comedy,
But I'm a Fish, Baby!
Individuals in Residence:
Ellen DeGeneres
SCOOTER BLENNY
Synchiropus ocellatus
Fish!
This poor fellow died well before his time. In fact,
he died before I could even write this, so we don’t
know much about the elusive species.
They were probably quite nice and got on well with
other fishies, never troubling a soul and always
eager to please. He would have probably liked it
here. He also probably would rather not be dead
right now.
Individuals in Residence:
Zatoichi
CHAETO ALGAE
Chaetomorpha sp.
Good Algae
Chaeto Algae filters toxic nutrients, such as
ammonia, phosphates and nitrates, from the
water. It is preferred as a cleaner to other algae
because it is less likely to undergo sexual
reproduction. Sex is bad.
Chaeto can be found living happily in the
Refugium. Once it has grown to sufficient mass, it
is removed, taking absorbed nutrients with it, and
made into a tasty salad. Chaeto Algae is illegal in
California as an invasive species. Shhhhh…
CAULERPA ALGAE
Caulerpaceae sp.
Good Algae
The algae Caulerpa filters toxic nutrients from the
water, like its cousin Chaeto.
Unfortunately, Caulerpa is prone to undergo sexual
reproduction. Sex is bad and when it happens,
billions of gooey sea-sperm are released into the
water, soiling the tank.
Caulerpa is engaged in a long, sometimes
tumultuous, domestic partnership with Chaeto in
the Refugium.
CORALLINE ALGAE
Corallinales
Best Algae
Coralline algae are characterized by a thallus (that
means 'vegetative tissue' in Science talk) that is
hard due to calcareous deposits contained within
the cell walls. They provide food for invertebrates
and are a visible indicator of water quality.
Though in some ways beneficial, coralline algae
work tirelessly to gay up my tank, jazz-handing
their way across the walls and rocks in pink and
purple blooms.
GREEN HAIR ALGAE
Bryopsidaceae Bryopsis
Evil Algae!
Green Hair Algae or ‘Sea Ferns’ are bullshit.
In some ways Green Hair Algae is helpful: it filters
the water of toxic phosphates and nitrates.
However, Sea Ferns think that the world owes them
a living. Without discipline the tank would soon be
swaying with their nappy dreds.
Fuck you, hippies.
BROWN ALGAE
Phaeophyceae
Evil Algae!
Brown or Golden Diatom Algae is a sign of poor
water quality and is often a precursor to other
undesirables, such as Green Hair Algae, which I
don’t have because my shit is clean. When Brown
Algae move in, other tank residents can be heard
mumbling discontentedly about depressed
property values and the downfall of their once
pristine neighborhood.
Luckily, this muck looks much more appetizing to
Turbo and Cerith Snails than it does to us.
BUBBLE ALGAE
Valoniaceae sp.
Evil Algae!
Pustule-like Bubble Algae are aggressive,
confrontational and oppressively hideous. They
delight in close talking.
No one cares about Bubble Algae. No one
Even evil Aiptasia refuses to employ Bubble Algae
in their plots for tank domination..
UPKEEP AND MAINTENANCE
OFTEN
 
Turn off and clean protein skimmer.
 
Feed cyclops to corals.
 
Feed prawns to starfish.
 
Check calcium and nitrate levels.
 
Add trace elements.
 
After 48 hours, turn protein skimmer on.
OCCASIONALLY
 
Clean recirculating pump.
 
Change five gallons of tank water.
 
Refill Auto Top-Off tank with RO/DI water.
 
Change and clean sock.