Senior All Night Party Cancelled
Transcription
Senior All Night Party Cancelled
Keeping Thurston High School informed every few steps of the way... Volume π Swimming Pool in Gym? See page 4 “ Secret Swimming Pool Revealed” T H E Pony Express ^ H Issue Φ Plasma in Roberson’s Blood? See page 6 “Over Budget and Out for Blood” Tuesday, April 1, 2014 Senior All Night Party Cancelled A senior enjoys the senior all night party. This is what the seniors will not be enjoying this year. Jess Harper | Penguin Herder For every senior, this year is their last chance to enjoy the high school experience. One way to create memories is at the All Night Senior Party, where only seniors can play games and hanging out with friends for an entire night. But, the class of 2014 will not see their senior night because it will be cancelled this year. Matt Selby, ASB president, states that usually the parents of the leadership group organize the party, but because of finances and inappropriate behavior from the students, the party will be impossible this year. Selby hopes that the plight of the class of 2014 will serve as a warning to the graduating classes of the future. Due to the yearly budget cuts, after the new computers, printers, and P.E. equipment there’s simply no more money left for the seniors. Even prom has been hard on the administration’s pocket book and will probably have to be held at Thurston’s Main Gym. Budget cuts are still affecting the school and causing the staff to prioritize the bills, causing the seniors to miss out on a few activities. Money is not the only reason for the Senior Party to get cancelled, it was also reported that the students behavior is to blame for this punishment. One example is the excessive twerking at previous school dances. The administration would like us to remember that just because the Class of 2014’s motto is “14 Twerk Team,” they do not encourage twerking as appropriate behavior on school grounds. Also, the actions of student drivers in the senior lot have been far too dangerous to ignore. Staff members have insisted that until the seniors can learn to drive safely, consequences must be made. Senior Dazie Duckee exclaims “It’s completely unfair for the school to punish us like this. The Senior All Night Party was supposed to be a day to remember; a day to spend time with the friends we probably won’t ever see again, but now it’s been taken away from us.” Another senior, Phil Paul, explains his view of the cancellation, “I don’t really care what happens. I probably wouldn’t go anyways. I’d just stay home and play videogames or magic all night long,” Whatever the views or opinions of this decision, no one can undo what has be done. There will be no Senior All Night Party this year. Because of this reason, the Class of 2014 will not experience their full senior year. as it is. In addition to the extra metal, there will be two layers of electric barbed wire to top it off. Second, we will be installing 14 extra hidden security cameras in various places around the school (including the restrooms). Lastly, heat sensors are being added to each classroom, which are linked to alarms in the front office that will sound if a student is somewhere that they are not supposed to be. To handle the issue of underclassmen sneaking off campus, the school will be hiring a security team to guard each possible escape route. As for stopping juniors and seniors from assisting underclassmen while leaving campus through vehicles, there will be an I.D. check stationed at the gates near the parking lot, which includes an eye-scanner and fingerprint check. “It’s about time they stepped up the security around here,” said junior Harley Emery; “I’m tired of those underclassmen sneaking off with seniors.” Another problem in our school’s current security is the fact that many objects that can be found around the school could easily be used as weaponry. That is why the administration has chosen to ban a number of items, which include: mechanical pencils, sharp-pointed compasses, knives (metal and plastic), stapler machines, spurs, and any clothing with spikes (including track shoes). When the idea of increasing security came about, the administration was not sure how we would afford all of these extra measures of school safety. They thought long and hard about what we could cut, and what the school could do without, and came to the conclusion that because the Shop and Metals department is known for being extremely dangerous, that would be a good place to start. As of next year, Woodshop and Metals classes will no longer be offered. Another idea to save money was to limit the usage of paper. We all know that this has already been taken into effect, and all of the money the school has saved will be going towards this cause. “I’m all for this security upgrade. Giving up paper is a small sacrifice for our safety,” said senior Erik Zack. The last, and most prominent way we will be saving money, is by cutting our school’s most dangerous sport: football. This will not only help to fund this security project, but it will decrease the number of injuries in our school by approximately 71%. Once this new security is in place, our school will become a much happier and less stressful place for us all. Security Upgrades Strengthen Student Safety Harley Emery | Dum Blonde Starting on May 1st, 2014, our school will be undergoing some major changes, which will focus on increasing the security of students and staff. This is due to many complaints that faculty have heard this past year from students as well as teachers; resulting from students who feel that they are in danger on a daily basis, and are unable to focus on their education. The primary changes will be on the school grounds, and the building itself. First, the gate surrounding the school will be heightened an extra three and a half feet, because clearly it is not tall enough JUST SAY NO TO RECYCLING! Sections Hearsay.............2, 3 Futures..................4 Irrelevance...........5 Failures.............6,7 Facts.......................8 Tomorrow’s Weather Miserable. It’s Oregon, what do you expect? Why do you even read this? Senior’s inspiring dedication gives THS hope for academic future... Page 7, Features 2 {CURRENT EVENTS} Blood Drive Mishap Thurston Gains Advanced Literature Class Zach Farr | Son-of-Odin Starting in Fall of 2014, Thurston High School will be offering a new course to juniors and seniors. Comic Literature, as it is currently named, will be offered to upperclassmen in need of a Literature credit. During the two semester class, students will study various forms of comics. Though little of the curriculum has been detailed, it is clear that one unit will focus on the history of the Sunday Funnies, and another unit will focus on comic books with an emphasis on both DC and Marvel universe story arcs. Thurston will be hiring a new teacher for the course, as none of the resident teachers stepped up to take on the position. Thurston Administration has not made its decision yet, but hey have a few hopefuls lined up for the position. Literature teacher Will Ritter said, “I don’t know where they’ll find a big enough nerd… I mean a brave enough teacher to take up a job teaching an entirely overlooked genre of literature. Whoever they choose is a braver man than I.” THS administration has only released the information of one applicant for the position. Jeffrey Albertson, who is considered an expert in the field of comic books, applied for the job as soon as word came out about the position. Albertson has owned a comic book store in Springfield for years now, and recently acquired his teaching license. “I’ve spent my entire life doing nothing but collecting comic books, and all that I can say is, ‘life well spent.’ But now, I want gift my knowledge to the world, and the only way to do it is through these annoying kids. Worst. Job. Ever,” said Albertson. It is likely that Albertson will receive the job despite his negative attitude due to his extensive knowledge in the field of comic books and fame as a TV personality. To find out how to apply for the course early, students should schedule an appointment with their counselors as soon as possible. Harley Emery | Dum Blonde If you donated blood during the Lane Blood Center’s blood drive at Thurston in February, you may want to visit your doctor as soon as possible. On the morning of March 2nd, 2014, administrators were contacted by the blood drive organizers with news of a mishap from the drive. Apparently, a portion of the needles used to draw blood had been contaminated with a disease known as “plumeria”. This disease is assumed to have come from the factory where the needles were made, which is currently under investigation by the United States Department of Health. Carriers of this illness experience symptoms two weeks to three months past the date of infection, and the disease is known for having flu-like symptoms, as well as bradykinesia (slowness of movement) and borborygmi (rumbling in the stomach). This discovery may come as a shock to students who participated in the blood drive; however there is no need to panic. Statistics show that 93% of plumeria patients survive the disease, and 87% recover without complications. Consult your physician as soon as possible, because the quicker the disease is identified and treated, the more likely you are to make a full recovery. When speaking with school administrators, plumeria expert Dr. Greg Hosell said, “The students who are infected will be fine, as long as they refrain from using narcotics and see their physicians immediately.” Carriers of the disease who use drugs are 74% more likely to experience harsher symptoms, and have a higher chance of contracting other illnesses in addition to plumeria. Because of their already weakened immune systems, drug users are far more likely to catch communicable diseases. In a recent interview, infectious disease specialist Dr. Drekard Shepp said, “Luckily, plumeria is a transfusion transmitted infection, which means that it can only be spread through the blood stream. Quarantine is not necessary, and it is perfectly safe to be around other people.” Even though there may have been a mistake with the recent blood drive, it is important to remember that accidents do happen. Events like this are extremely rare, and it is crucial to not let fear stop us from helping others in the future. College Board Upgrades the SAT Zach Farr | Son-of-Odin The College Board has announced that it will be restructuring the SAT to align with modern societal expectations. This restructure will come in the form of two additional test sections, and the removal of the critical reading assessment. Originally, the SAT was used to determine the intelligence level of students in order for colleges to see whether or not students will be a good match for their schools. In recent years, Universities have become more focused on recruiting students who will function well in society after graduation, and the College Board followed suit, gearing the SAT toward testing the chance of success students will experience in their adult lives. The two new assessment sections that are going to be used to determine the chance students have in life are Pop Culture Knowledge, and Physical Fitness. “The average American spends over 5 hours watching TV, so why not test students on what they pick up?” -James Rutt According to the College Board, a person must have Tell Us What You Think Contact us at: [email protected] [email protected] The Pony Express aims to inform the THS student body of the newsworthy events, people, and ideas around campus that simply aren’t covered anywhere else. We encourage you to join our endeavor by submitting a letter to our editors. Letters may be turned into Room 140, and must be signed. Limit 250 words. extensive knowledge on pop culture, in order to succeed. Starting next year, students will be tested over their knowledge on movie quotes and titles, music artists and songs, and television commercials. This new section was proposed by College Board researcher Dr. James Rutt. “Think of a time when you were having a conversation with a friend, coworker, or superior, and they made a pop culture reference you did not know,” said Rutt. “Now you must understand that this awkward moment was damaging to the relationship. Having students assessed on their knowledge of pop culture Godfather Joseph Roberson Overlords Madison Wilson Zachary Farr will prevent more situations like this from occurring in the future. The average American spends over 5 hours watching TV, so why not test students on what they pick up?” In the next section, students will be tested on their level of physical fitness. This new SAT section will be aligned with the new physical fitness graduation requirements being implemented next year, so it will not be as much of a challenge for students. The last change being made to the SAT for upcoming years is the elimination of the reading section of the test. The College Board determined that literacy was no longer Lieutenants Katie Lively Coner Jensen Alex Youngbauer necessary in a time of audiovisual media. The elimination of the section is being seen as a positive to students and teachers alike. “I’m glad to see it go,” said Literature teacher and newspaper advisor Joe Roberson. “Nobody reads anymore, and now I can just play books on tape, watch movies, and relax.” This new and improves SAT will be implemented for the 2014-2015 school year. To see the details of the physical fitness section, see XXXXXX on page 4. For more information, visit SAT. CollegeBoard.org. Made Man Andrew Kronser I use this to take up space. Foot Soldiers Harley Emery Jesse Cope Jess Harper Sam Westerfield Cody Mitts Ryan Carr Angel Primrose Teddi Trotter 3 {CURRENT EVENTS} Mr. THS Proved to be a Scandal Ryan Carr | Not a Hipster Mr. THS has appeared to be an honorable charity for years. Funds are supposed to go to Children’s Miracle Network, but there have been recent allegations that it is going someplace else. A recent anonymous source has provided proof that Mr. THS funds are actually going to KONY 2014, which has recently surfaced. “I signed up for Mr. THS in order to save babies, not send them to war!” - Zach Farr Many people will recognize KONY from the KONY 2012 campaign, and will also remember the way the movement was stifled when it was revealed how little of the money when to stopping the South African war lord, and how little of a threat he actually posed. The organization behind the KONY 2012 movement appear to be running their 2014 campaign by admitting that Kony did not pose a threat in 2012 but claiming that he does indeed pose a Lost School Bus Found After 37 Years Zach Farr | Son-of-Odin 37 years after going missing during a field trip, a Springfield School District bus was discovered in the woods along the border of Washington state and Canada. On February 7th, 1977, a group of students from Thurston High School went on a field trip to a local pond to study the biodiversity in the area. While the students and their advisor were in the pond, the bus driver, Thomas Howell left the bus unattended. “Hey man, the kids and their teacher were like 17 feet away, man. I figured that, like, I could step out for a few minutes and no one would notice man,” said Howell, now 57. The group was forced to walk back to Thurston due to the lack of a bus, and Howell lost his job. After a week of searching, the district gave up the bus as lost and moved on. The bus was recently discovered by a resident of Washington strolling through the woods. Rick Williams found the bus while playing fetch with his dog. “I was just taking Carl for a walk, and decided to play fetch with him,” said Williams. “So I grabbed a stick and chucked it off into the woods. I heard a metal clang when it landed and decided to check it out. Turned out to be a school bus.” Williams then contacted the authorities about his find, and the bus was hauled out of the ground. Inside, authorities found 500,000 dollars in cash and the skeletal remains of a man. After a brief investigation, it was discovered that the remains were those of Jonathan Heally. in 1977, Heally was wanted for bank robbery across the state of Oregon. Heally robbed five banks from Springfield to Portland. His truck was found two miles away from where the bus was stolen, and authorities assume he stole the bus in an attempt to escape to Canada with the money. After the case was closed, the bus was returned to the Springfield School District. “I’m glad the bus is back, man. me and that school bus had some good times together. I remember this one time... wait no that was different time,” said Howell, who was excited to see his old bus return. The bus is currently parked at the Sprinfield Public Schools offices, and can be visited by anyone who is interested in seeing this piece of history. threat now. Somebody in the Mr. THS chain of command must believe the Kony frauds and has been funneling the funds to them.The anonymous source provided proof in the form of photocopied bank statements that showed the funds are being used to buy thousands of rubber bracelets and KONY brand voodoo dolls of Kony. None of the contestants we interviewed admitted to knowing of the scandal. Most were shocked and renounced the buckets around their necks. Senior Zach Farr was one of the first Mr. THS contestants to give up the fundraising. “This is an outrage!” exclaimed Farr. “I signed up for Mr. THS in order to save babies, not send them to war! I’m out of the contest.” Administration is making no plans to stop the fundraiser, which leads some theorists to believe that the entire staff is in on the ruse. Most students said they were not planning on stopping their donating due to disbelief of the scandal. New Tardy Policy Includes Zombies Sam Westerfield | Señor Swag Any student at Thurston High struggles with certain nuisances. Locked gates and messy bathrooms are only the surface of a larger issue. Lakes in the parking lot and a new tardy system barely scrape the core. The class of 2014 is facing the challenge of needing more credits to graduate than the previous senior class. Questions need to be asked and answers need to be located. It’s actually quite simple what is going on here. Thurston High School is alive with an un-alive problem. That’s right. Zombies are Thurston’s students of the night, who have no regard for their fellow students of the daylight. They come in to our educational institution for their nighttime classes such as Anatomy and Physiology, Eating 101, and Spanish. But when they leave, they lock our gates to keep the sun out and clog our parking lot drains with yet another decapitated teacher. Be careful roaming the hallways during the morning for our dead colts may be finishing their studies. Our new tardy system is a result of zombie night classes running early into the morning, and our administration wanting our students in the hallways as little as possible. We must gain respect for the dead to get that same respect. The Class of 2014 is being help to such a high graduation standard simply to compete with the dead minds of the night. These problems we as day students face every day are due to the immoral segregation of the living and the dead. There is no reason for us as living Colts to fear our dead classmates. We must understand many students pull a double school day and attend both night and day classes at THS. So next time you see a boy or girl sleeping during first period, realize they just got done with a night of classes. Colts don’t eat Colts. We as Colts must band together and accept our zombie classmates into our day classes. If this can be done, there is certainly hope for dry parking lots and a kind tardy system. 4 { ATHLETICS } Wanna Graduate? Gotta Get Swole! Alex Youngbauer | ‘Murican Graduation requirements just got that much tougher. Due to the rapidlyincreasing rate of obesity in American adults, the state of Oregon has approved and passed laws mandating health and fitness standards that must be met by all graduating students, starting with the 2014 class. This may be a bit of a shock for those kids who choose to spend their free time blasting zombies on their parent-financed Xbox One or sending Snapchats to all their besties. These new regulations will force kids to start living a bit of a healthier lifestyle and actually be physically active. “You mean I actually have to try to do pullups?” - Jumbo Jim Johnson Male students must keep their body fat percentage below 15%, be able to complete 10 pull-ups, and run two miles in under sixteen minutes. Females must maintain a body fat percentage of 20% or lower, complete three pull-ups, and finish a two mile course under eighteen minutes. This new graduation requirement was a necessary move as obesity rates in the United States are skyrocketing. In 1962, the U.S. held a 13% obesity rate. Due to a lack of activity and caring for the health of oneself, this number reached 35.7% in 2010, and continues to rise today. Oregon state officials believe that starting the good habit of exercise and physical fitness earlier in a person’s life will promote a healthier adult, starting Secret Swimming Pool Revealed Jess Harper | Penguin Herder At the end of the day, when the students are gone, most of the teachers have left, no sports are scheduled, and the gates are locked, what else could one do at Thurston High School? What about a pool party in the gym? A source has given information of the secret underground pool below the main gym floor and has witnessed the custodians and a few staff members attending pool parties after hours. It has been reported that the staff members have been hosting belly flop contests, during these parties, with a rate from zero to ten. Other contests include who can hold their breath the longest, the highest cannon bomb splash, and various races. While the students are at home studying for tests, the teachers are swimming in Thurston’s secret waterpark. No information has been reported, yet, of how this technology was distributed or when it was put into the school. The witness did state that a certain key was inputted into the lock box that raises the basketball hoops, but instead of raising the backboards, it raised the gym floor off of the full sized swimming pool. If this knowledge is accurate, the swim team will no longer have to walk across the street to the water facility, the school could start a water polo team, and for a fundraiser, the school could open for a community pool over the summers. Since the staff has been hiding this unique fact about the school, they are depriving us of unique opportunities. When staff members were questioned for such activity, they denied that anything like this could be possible, though the unquestionable scent of chlorine was noticed on most of the faculty members. Also, another source came forward with information of over hearing a custodian talking to a teacher about the next pool party. When the teacher asked where this party would be held, the custodian answered with, “your work place.” Even though these sources asked to remain unidentified, and both have the common trait of receiving low GPAs, an investigation must begin in order to know the facts of this possible secret the school insists on keeping from the students. Ryan Carr | Not a Hipster Inspired by the US’s recent gold medal in Cardboard Tube Fighting at the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics, a band of Thurston students have formed Thurston’s very own Cardboard Tube Fighting Club. For those of you who are unaware, the explosively popular new sport is played in teams of two. The goal is to destroy the opponent’s cardboard tube with your own; the team with the last remaining intact tube wins. In the case of a tie both teams are considered losers and complete failures. This was the first year the sport was featured in the Olympics. It was included in the winter Olympics rather than the summer Olympics because Olympic organizers were worried that the winter Olympics “...were just 40 forms of sliding.” Only four countries sent teams in the event. The US took gold, Russia took silver, Jamaica took bronze, and North Korea went home medaless. Inspired by the US’s accomplishment, Thurston students and Cardboard Tube Fighting Club captains, sophomore Michael Clark and senior Paul Medeiros started the club along with 10 other students. Clark said, “It’s not just about the fun. Elite militias of cardboard tube wielding ninjas have altered the course of some of the biggest battles throughout history. We hope this club will hone our skills and bring back this majestic form of battle.” Medeiros had a different attitude toward the sport. “I saw it in the Olympics and thought I would love to beat people up with a cardboard tube, and I was right, I love it,” he said. Clark had a more personal reason for starting the club. “My great grandfather was in Tube Team 6, the elite special ops force that assassinated Hitler in WWII. The club had a difficult time getting administration to approve them. The sport is rife with a type of cheating where a competitor will hide a bamboo shoot in their tube. For this reason administrators had safety concerns. About the cheating concerns, Clark said “We promised the administrators that we are all better than that. We take pride in the sport. I can’t say the same about the Springfield team though.” The club had their first meet against Springfield High’s club last week. Two Springfield competitors were caught with bamboo shoots but still lost highlighting the extreme skill that the Thurston team already possesses. The club is still accepting new recruits. If you’re interested they meet in the courtyard, Fridays at lunch. May The Cardboard Wars Begin from the moment one graduates from high school. While most adults approve of the new bylaws (despite their own potbellies), some students aren’t so chipper upon hearing this news. “This kinda sucks a lot. You mean I actually have to try to do pull-ups? But I don’t like pull-ups,” senior Jumbo Jim Johnson, and avid potato chip-eater, complained. Other students, however, look forward to showing their athletic ability and prowess. “Bro, like, dude, I mean, like, I’m swole, and other people need to get swole, and, like, hashtag team get big, dude!” said super senior Chad McSwag, “Everyone just needs to stay swagalicious, bro!” Whether you are ecstatic or tormented by this news, you need to get your body in shape so you can look nice and trim in your cap and gown. Let’s get moving, Colts! Schulz to be Lottery Pick Alex Youngbauer | ‘Murican You may have seen him strolling down the hallways or draining threes in the gym, but few people really know Spencer Schulz. A student here at Thurston, Schulz may seem like the average Joe, but he is much more than that. After playing football through his junior year, Spencer had a tough decision to make: risk injury and play his senior year, or ensure his safe passage to a spot in the pros by sitting the season out. Generally, studentathletes must wait until they have completed two years of college to become eligible for the NFL Draft, but Schulz is a special case. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said, “Mr. Schulz is a once-in-a-lifetime talent. We have decided to waive the age limit rule in his case in order to help Mr. Schulz pursue his dreams, and the NFL to become a better league.” Schulz feels he made the right choice, and is a likely lottery pick in this May’s 2014 NFL Draft. “It wasn’t fun to just train and not get to play in any games, but the millions will be fun to swim in,” Schulz said. Schulz said, “My position is every position. I’ll play wherever the coach puts me, and I’ll play there at an All-Star level.” Schulz waits now only to hopefully be a lottery pick in the upcoming draft, and begin his professional career. Perhaps a future star to keep an eye on. 7 { ENTERTAINMENT } The Breakfast Club Remake Madison Wilson | The “Lesser” Editor “Saturday...March 24, 2015. Thurston High School, Springfield, Oregon. Dear Mr. Vernon....we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did wrong, what we did was wrong. But we think you’re crazy to make us write this essay telling you who we think we are, what do you care? You see us as you want to see us...in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. You see us as a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal. Correct? That’s the way we saw each other at seven o’clock this morning. We were brainwashed…” These are the famous opening lines that will begin the remake of the classic ‘80s movie The Breakfast Club. This coming-of-age drama is about five students sentenced to detention together that represent different high school stereotypes. Throughout the movie, they prove to be more than just a stereotype and eventually become friends. This beloved movie is going to be remade at Thurston. With the cast having already been selected, filming for the movie will commence this summer. All of the cast members for the film are students or teachers from Thurston. “I felt that Thurston was a prime location for selecting and filming this movie because of the ever-present stereotypes at Thurston,” said the director, “also, Thurston has red lockers just like Shermer High School from the original movie. What more similarities do you need?” Each student in The Breakfast Club is, of course, based on a stereotype even though each character proves that they are more than that. As listed in the opening lines, the stereotypes are a brain (or nerd, geek etc.), an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal. “We chose each student based on how closely they fit the character’s stereotype. Claire was by far the best match,” continued the director. There was a rigorous audition session before students were selected. The students who were eventually chosen were Andrew Kronser as Brian Johnson; Maverick Wiseman as Andrew Clark, Katie Haney as Allison Reynolds, Matt Selby as Claire Standish; and Zach Farr as John Bender. “I only go to class like half the time,” said senior Zach Farr, who will portray the rebellious John Bender, “Yeah, sometimes I don’t do my homework right away; I’m a total rebel. One time I even got a B on a test. Take that society.” Maverick Wiseman was also type-cast for his role as Andrew Clark, as well as being chosen because he’s a wrestler, as Clark is in the movie. “Andrew is in detention in the movie for beating a kid up. I beat kids up all the time. Sometimes I don’t even hold the door open for other people,” Wiseman said, “I’m also the best wrestler that’s ever lived.” Students not involved in the film also agree that the cast is well-selected. “Katie wants to go swimming in the winter, Unrelated Pie Chart! that’s pretty crazy” said senior Jess Harper, a friend of Katie Haney who was chosen to be Allison Reynolds, or the “Basket-Case”. Senior Jessica Linster also agrees with the selection, specifically of Matt Selby. “Matt will be perfect as Claire. He’s such a princess.” A few members don’t fully agree with the casting, although they are excited. “I feel like it’s kind of a type-cast,” said senior Andrew Kronser, who’s portraying Brian Johnson, “the Brain”, “But I have named all three of my calculators: Archibald, Stacy and Goliath.” Whether the cast members agree or disagree, from the rebel to the nerd, all members chosen for the cast are fitting. The movie is set to premiere next summer on July 7, 2015. no Kevin Hagel | Comic Relief Well, it’s official. Nintendo has completely run out of ideas.Their newest release features disjointed gameplay, an unrealistic protagonist and terrible graphics. I am, of course, referring to Super Mario Bros. for the Nintendo Entertainment System. The gameplay follows the adventures of “Mario”, whose only purpose for existence is saving a princess from some undefined castle or the hundreds of castles spread around the world. You journey through grassy hills, snowy plains and the scorching desert in search of this mysterious princess, but instead you only find strange mushroom people in chests. The storyline doesn’t make much sense, and Mario’s abilities are often misleading, as he can swim indefinitely underwater but cannot survive running into a turtle. More concerning to me is the game’s underlying focus on drug use and violence. Move over, Grand Theft Auto, you ain’t got nothing on Mario. Most of the powers that you use in the game appear to be hallucinations brought on munching down shrooms, chewing on strange red flower petals and popping starshaped pills. Furthermore, the only ways Mario seems to solve problems is by violence, either by stomping on the in- nocent looking creatures of the land or immolating the mercilessly in fire. Is another game that focuses our impressionable youth towards a life of crime really what we want to be putting into their brains? Since I bought this game for the sole purpose of complaining about it on chat boards, I can confidently call myself an expert on all things Nintendo. I honestly don’t know what they were thinking with this new game. I can’t think of any people that would enjoy the game in a non-ironic fashion, and it honestly has no redeeming qualities. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to playing Call of Duty: Modern Ghost Black Ops IV. 6 { FEATURES } Obituaries Over Budget and Out for Blood Carl Alexander Collier Carl Alexander Collier, 17, died March 7th. He was born August 14th, 1997 in Eugene Oregon. Collier was a junior at Thurston High School. Prior to Thurston he attended Thurston Middle School and Ridgeview Elementary. Collier was on the cross country team and played lacrosse. He lettered in high jump and his club lacrosse team rode on his shoulders. Here at Thurston he loved the social studies and took many of the department’s classes. Collier spent much of his free time volunteering at Greenhill Animal Shelter. Animals were his passion and he wanted to go to veterinary college and open his own clinic. He was awarded the Oregon’s Young Vet award 2012. Among his peers, Collier was considered to be a saint. He was being considered for the Nobel peace prize in 2015. His teachers also had a high opinion of Collier. Collier was taking 27 different Advanced Placement and College now classes in one semester. His heavy class load led to his untimely demise. Collier was found under a pile of text books and assignments. There were multiple causes of death: asphyxiation, paper cuts, and extremely high levels of stress. He is survived by his parents, his sister Linda Collier, 10, and his girlfriend Isabel Cortina, and his beloved feline Margret. Ragnar Axelsson Thurston High School teacher and devout metal head, Ragnar Axelsson unfortunately passed away on, of all dates, November 11, International Metal Day. He was not well known on campus, as he never left his classroom. He would just sit in his room all day and night listening to metal, the only sustenance he needed. Mr. Axelsson’s tragic death occurred on a vacation to visit his parents in the wilderness of Sweden. He was on a snowmobile crossing the hundreds of square miles of barren snowy plains between urban Sweden and his parents’ remote wilderness mansion. His snowmobile broke down, just as an angry bear spotted him in the distance. The rest need not be told. At THS, Mr. Axelsson taught Death Metal History, Djent Ed, and Mosh Pit Etiquette. His classes were not available in the forecasting forms filled out each year, as only the most metal kids were handpicked by him, then put through a rigorous audition process. Axelsson’s band, Vlede Björnar, tours the world during the summer, playing giant warehouse shows with questionable substances and rituals. Despite his outrageous, obsessive dedication to metal, he never practiced his skills off-stage, which caused their live show to suck a bit. Mr. Axelsson had about 100 cats in his home, and a gigantic teddy bear collection. He had over one thousand teddy bears of different shapes and sizes, spread about his house. Annashea Wright | Double Agent Literature department head, Joseph Roberson, is out for Patrick Kohl’s blood in order to get the lit department back on budget Annashea Wright | Double Agent Literature teacher Joseph Roberson stares at a small yellow sticky note, the number 4000 scrawled neatly across the middle. A single tear slides down his cheek and on to the note, dampening the paper. He realizes that the literature department is now thousands of dollars over budget which means one thing: administration is out for his blood. With a yearly copy budget of just 2500 dollars, the literature department is struggling to keep their spending down. However, their efforts have been in vain, for they are already at 4200 dollars and it is only April. As a result, the administration is now forcing Roberson to donate large amounts his blood every Wednesday afternoon. Why? So Jared Taylor can sell the plasma in his blood for 200 dollars a vial. “It’s very practical,” Taylor says, “not only do we receive money that makes up for the lapse in the copy budget, but we also get to punish the head of the literature department.” Overall, there are mixed feelings about this system. Of course the administration approves of the new method of making money, but Roberson does not approve. “I think it’s a little excessive, because we are only over by 2000 dollars,” Roberson said. “However, my position as department head means that it is my duty to make sure we stay on budget.” Currently Taylor has only forced Roberson to give blood six times. Senior Patrick Kohl is in Roberson’s Advanced Placement Literature class and frequently sees the repercussions of the blood loss. “His blood sugar gets super low the morning after he gives blood,” Kohl said. “He likes to chase me around with a kangaroo claw trying to steal my goldfish crackers while screaming ‘precious.’” Needless to say Kohl does not think the new way to fund the literature budget is the best option. Chris Mudder: Extreme Recluse Cody Mitts | Morale Specialist Zach Farr | Son of Odin ASB President Chris Mudder is a mysterious figure to most of the students at Thurston High School. Rarely seen around others, Mudder is quiet and reserved, only communicating with others when absolutely necessary. Unknown to most, the day of his eighteenth birthday, Mudder began his career as a mixed martial artist, competing in any local tournaments he has the chance to. Mudderhas gained renown in the world of MMA as a striking specialist. “There’s nothing like the rush you get when you knock someone out,” explained Mudder. Despite the interest Western Oregon University has in him, Mudder has abandoned his previous goal of attending a university in favor of his marital arts career. Mudder does not plan on ending his education after high school, however, and he is planning to attend beauty school while climbing through the ranks. Mudder said, “I felt like I needed to find a fall back in case I get injured and can’t fight anymore. I’ve always had a passion for making people look beautiful, so beauty school looked like the best option to me.” “He can knock your lights out and then do your hair up real pretty before you even wake up,” said senior Cody Mitts. Before the end of the year, Mudder hopes to establish a legacy for the school. Mudder hopes to find a freshman that he can teach the art of being a wallflower, along with skills in fighting and beauty. { FEATURES } 7 Student Stays on Campus, Works Hard Katie Lively | Chlorine Queen Athletes set and break records in sports all the time, but THS recently saw student Kameron Lightheart create a monumental moment in the school’s academic history. On March 6, 2014, Lightheart, a senior, became the first student in the school’s 54-year history to stay on campus and show a significant level of effort for a whole school day. “I was really busy attempting to discipline students for not attending class, but it suddenly occurred to me that I had not yet seen Kameron that day,” said campus monitor Earl Grey. “He is one of a very high percentage of students who frequently tries to skip with varying degrees of success—but he and I have almost turned it into a cat-and-mouse game of sorts. So it really stood out to me that he never left campus.” Grey was not alone in his sentiments. Intro to Painting by Numbers teacher Susan Harte-Grinder, whose Keelea Shafer | Photographer Senior Kameron Lightheart is captured here in a rare moment in which he is putting effort into his schoolwork. she watched Lightheart’s abnormal behavior throughout the 90 minutes he was in her class. “I felt quite certain that this was a hoax,” said Harte-Grinder. “The young man continued to work diligently all period long without complaint. He displayed superb effort not shown by any other student as he painted nine different sections and followed the instructions in “It was like a nohitter...you couldn’t talk about it while it was happening for fear of jinxing it.” -Campus Monitor Earl Grey class Lightheart frequently fails to attend, was stunned as the process.” According to Grey, Lightheart did display an unprecedented level of effort— for him and for any other student—as he even went to the library during his open study period at the end of the day to work on homework. “I was holding my breath for the last hour or so, wondering, could it really happen?” Grey said. “It was like a no-hitter in baseball. You couldn’t talk about it while it was happening for fear of jinxing it.” Every staff member polled felt that seeing a student stay on campus and exhibit effort for an entire day was a step in the right direction for the school. “This is bound to get us in the papers,” said Grey, “and the publicity will be really cool.” Lightheart was skipping class at the time this story was written and could not be reached for comment. Preschool 101: Foreign Exchange Student Leaves Where a Thurston Unique Impression on THS first and watch him master it easily.” A part of the constellations club, rugby team, renaissance reenactment club, and even the body builders club, it’s a wonder he has any free time at all! However, having all these extracurricular activities preschoolers and even sewing many blankets, hats, and other items to sell to raise money for Liam Elliott, an exchange families with someone that student from the newly suffers from Couch Potato discovered country Kodecca, Disease, causing them to be has officially climbed the unable to do anything that ranks of the publications requires actual effort. ladder straight to the top. After Adding to his long list of being named Publications accomplishments, student of the week for Elliott is also in the three weeks in a row, process of publishing Elliott is now head of his very own book all Newspaper. about Kodecca cuisine Elliott has lived in and how to prepare it, Kodecca all his life in a including their most small town in Mannica famous dish, Kopis. called Sicion. Kopis consists of “It’s a beautiful dolphin meat seasoned place on the West Coast with garlic and snails of Kodecca with a large scattered on top. Fried diversity of plants and parrot legs with lizard animals giving it a tongue seasoning dreamlike quality,” says is typically the side Elliott. dish chosen for this Coming from a very particular meal. encouraging family, Although some of Elliott jumped at the his interests may be chance to experience a bit different than a new place and ever most, from his varied since he showed up a Exchange student Liam Elliott participates in the Renaissance participation to his month ago he has been Reenactment Club at THS. unusual cuisine, I shocking everyone think it’s safe to say with his many different doesn’t stop him from keeping that this exchange student is talents. “He just excels at his 4.0 GPA and perfect going to be leaving quite an everything,” his foster mother attendance. Not to mention impression on Thurston when Nina Rodriguez boasts. “It’s so the volunteering he does, he leaves. amazing to see him find a new blood donations every month, interest and jump into it head reading horror stories to Angel Primrose | Sass Master Kid Can Be a Kid Teddi Trotter | Sass Princess Tired of not being able to have snack time? Tired of not being able to draw between the lines? Tired of being tired? Well you’re in luck, Thurston High School is now offering a class just for that! You’ll be able to take naps, learn how to draw between the lines, and get to have snack time. Many faculty members have called this “Pre-School 101,” which is a class just like pre-school. It’ll be starting next year for the new school year, and it’s offered to any students. It counts as half of an elective credit, and it’s for a whole semester. This class seems to be very stress free for students. “No homework, no assignments, and get to take naps? Sounds like a class that I definitely want to take,” said sophomore Abigail Smith. This new and exciting class has not only just taken a wide spread around the school, but it’s also been spread around the halls of Thurston Middle School, as well. “I’ve never really remembered all my memories in pre-school, so it’ll be nice to finally remember it, and take a lot of stress off my shoulders,” said Liam Elliott, an eighth grader at TMS who will be coming to THS next year. Also, I would like to include that THS isn’t the only school that is now offering a preschool class; now Springfield High School and Sheldon High School are thinking about offering the class too. They see it would be a better, more appropriate class to be in, rather than kids wandering through the halls, or going off campus. “Oh yes, I’ve heard about the new class that’s being offered at Thurston High School. I think it’s a rather great class to have, because it’s better than kids going off campus to do other things that aren’t that responsible,” said Jared Stewart, a literature teacher at Sheldon. Furthermore, this class is stress free, where you get to eat snacks, learn how to draw between the lines, and even take naps. This is a great opportunity to go back in time and re-live your glory days in the pre-school age. {Commentary} But I Wanted a Pony... Zach Farr | Son-of-Odin Remember when you had a class pet? A mascot for your class that brought you joy in times of hardship. In high school, a time of nothing but harship, class pets are needed more than ever. Students need an animal that they can deepend on to keep them happy during class, but as the studetns have matured, their expectations have risen. Hampsters, mice and fish will no longer suffice. Sophomore Josh Leteulehopes for over-the-top class pets. “I think that we need way cooler animals now that we’re so much cooler. We need class pets that have as much swag as we do. Like, I want to have a class with a freaking giraffe. Giraffes have major swag,” said Leteule. There are no negatives when looking into adopting exotic animals as class pets. Of course, we’ll have to cut A Classier Thurston, A Better Thurston Jess Harper | Reporter The recession hit every family hard, but the economy is finally turning up. Now that people are getting jobs, and parents don’t have to struggle as much, let’s use this upturn as an opportunity to improve our school that we all know and love. Here are some tips to take Thurston High School from average to worthy of royalty. Just getting to school is hard enough from traffic, to the long carpool line, and to the rushed noisy people, so let’s make the journey easier on the students and parents. Hire ushers to open the doors for students and help the athletes with their bags. Replace those school buses with limos to make the ride more entertaining. The fancy rides will create jealousy in those non-Thurston kids. For the hard working seniors, a great reward would be to valet their parking. Studies show that parking cars and walking into the school takes, on average, five minutes longer than when a student is dropped off at the front entrance. Fast valet means more students studying and graduating. Most students spend all night studying for that big test, so give the opportunity for students to relax their tired bodies and minds. At the front entrance, free massage chairs should be offered in order to give students relaxation. The concrete floors are hard on bones, but with water repellent memory foam hallway floors, students will be less one edge and more willing to learn without the aches and pains of walking from class to class. It has been reported that more students are seeing treatment for back pain, and the doctors believe that hard, uncomfortable chairs are to be the cause. How can teachers expect students to pay attention when they are forced to sit in desks that shoot pain up to their spins? Here’s a cure: cushioned chairs. Not ripped up pillows ducked taped to the chairs, but the best and most soft of chairs as seen in waiting rooms. Now students can learn quadratic equations with ease. In the middle of the day, students are famished for desirable lunches. But why should students be herded like cattle to their own food? The food should come to us with waiters and waitresses, serving only the finest cuisine for hungry kids. After a meal like that, students will be ready to take on the rest of the day. After a long day of stressful classes, what better way to let off some steam than in a steam room. With Thurston High School’s Student Spa, anyone can wind down in heat rooms, hot tubs, and steam rooms. Also, for the hard working teachers, the Staff Room should become a Spa Room for themselves. A relaxed school is a happy school. With all of these changes, students won’t wait to go to school and take on classes. Relations with kids and teachers will be positive once everyone is at peace. This town will truly become T-Town once the school becomes a desired location. Now’s the time to become the prize of Springfield and to create a school that students and staff can be treated like celebrities. funding from certain areas, like the salaries of teachers and sports teams. But hey, we’re getting giraffes. As an investment of this magnitude will require major funding, it has been proposed by the student body that the senior gift for the next five years be taken in advance 8 to purchase the necessary medical equipment and food to support the animals. Also, all electronics should be sold, and school will needs to be reduced to two hours a day twice a week. But having giraffes in class is worth less class time and a meaningless education, right? I’ll Make a Headline Later I forgot to take a picture... My bad. Ryan Carr | Not a Hipster Procrastination is a problem the majority of students struggle with these days. Many of us can relate to the Sponge Bob episode where Mr. Square Pants can’t finish his essay on stop lights. Even as I write this article about procrastination I’m struck with the ailment. I spent an hour on tumbler, thirty minutes on twitter, and two hours playing Frisbee with friends. I justify this by lying to myself that I’ll do it in class tomorrow. -fix tomorrow; readers don’t know when tomorrow means. -say something about how there are more fun things to do. -im so tired (insert quote about how procrastination from some ignorant freshman that thinks they’re hot stuff because they’re going to be quoted in the paper)