The Shady Dealer Wants YOU!

Volume 2, Issue 8
Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
Lovers of Wit, Joviality, Mirth, Humor, and Cheap Hookers
The Chicago Shady Dealer
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“Cobbies” Threatened with Extinction
¡DISCLAIMER!
If you are offended or otherwise provoked to hunt us
down like the dogs we are in
retribution for what is printed
here, please stop, breathe
deeply, count to 10, and remember the guiding principle
of our staff: The Chicago
Shady Dealer is not a reliable
news source.
META-DISCLAIMER:
If you object to hunting down
dogs, please replace ‘dog’ with
another animal or inanimate
object of choice.
Thank you.
HAPPY VD!
Smelly-Ass Foreigners
2
A Penis for the Ages
3
Facebook Terrorism
3
Valentine’s Day Spread
4
Shady Personals
5
Robotainment
6
Tucker Fucking Max
7
A Talking Monkey
7
Career Opportunities
8
By Joel Putnam
To the growing alarm of the
campus, construction work outside of Cobb hall has added yet
another creature to the endangered species list. Sightings of
Cobb Smokers (Homo Cobbicus)
have dropped to about five per
day within the last few weeks. As
dig sites and scaffolding remain
in place for longer and longer,
things are starting to look serious
for the dwindling population of
these majestic animals.
The “Cobbies” as they are
affectionately called by the university community, are known in
particular for their distinctive
black coats and what some naturalists describe as a “disaffected”
manner. They have been an inte- This “Cobbie,” alone and isolated from the flock, will have difficulty acquirgral part of the university ecosys- ing needed nicotine, a mate, and protection from predatory ground squirrels.
tem for many years, nesting just
outside of Cobb hall (from which they derive been forced out of their accustomed homes
their name), migrating to other parts of the only to squat next to a deep pit, scaffolding,
world when the summer weather becomes and heavy machinery. The purpose of the
too warm, and returning to nest again each construction and its completion date have
autumn. Despite much talk from fervent been unclear up to this point. Petitions to
anti-smoker groups, they have never been a finish or remove construction materials to
major subject of hunters or local predators, save the Cobbies have been sent in to the
nor have they been known to prey on any university administration, only to receive a
other local species aside from squirrels, the lone telephone message from an inebriated
occasional campus tour group and their Dean Boyer saying “HEY.. hahaha, you
own lungs.
guysh are [expletive] AWSHOME! I never
However, renovations on campus build- [expletive] know what you [expletive] will
ings around Cobb hall are encroaching on come up with next hehe (hiccup) hee…”
the Cobbie’s natural habitat. Many have
See UNEXPLAINED DRUNKEN RAMBLING, page 3
The Shady Dealer Wants YOU!
Are you funny? Do you want to be funny? Do you want to hang out with funny people? Then The Chicago Shady Dealer has a place
for you. New writers especially appreciated. Your friends will treat you with newfound respect, and the opposite sex will find you irresistible. We swear. Actually, we swear a lot. We’re a colorful bunch in general. But we could stand to be more colorful. So join up.
Meetings: Sunday, 7:00PM, Cobb 201
Or send questions and first-time articles to the Editor-in-Chief: [email protected]
And sign up for our listhost: [email protected]
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P a g e
“Skeevier than a pack of one-eyed marmots”
N a t i o n a l
2
N e w s
I-House Fume Source Found to be Smelly Foreigners
By Wayne Kang
There is a new twist in the case of
strange smells emanating from the
pipes of International House. The Administration reported Monday that according to tests performed last week,
the only toxins in the building’s air were
the ones brought in by the residents
themselves.
David Adamson, the director of affairs at I-House, stated plainly that the
fumes were not caused by lead in the
paint applied to the radiators. “I just
want to make it clear that it was those
damn dirty foreigners,” said Adamson.
Previous tests performed by the
safety office concluded that the level of
volatile organic compounds (VOCs) were
well below federal limits. After continued complaints from I-House residents,
however, the administration agreed to
further testing of the air.
The results, according to Mary
Dodds, the I-House staff member who
oversaw the testing, spoke for themselves. “Although there was no detect-
able amount of lead fumes to be found
anywhere in the I-House, the smell of
sweaty Puerto Ricans was overpowering.
It was well over the federal stench limits,” Dodds said.
It was also discovered that the smell
of Korean kimchi chemically bonded
with the smoke from Chinese opium to
create new toxins that Dodds had “never
encountered before.” In addition, the
stink of Cuban cigars had stained the
walls of the I-House.
The inspectors also discovered combinations of VOCs previously unreported
in the developed world. “Quite frankly,
there is a dangerous, if not fatal, concentration of Indian curry, Australian
‘roo hides, and British teeth in the building. I’m surprised this place hasn’t already been shut down,” Dodds said.
The administration was pleased to
report along with the new results a plan
for dealing with the fumes. “The walls of
the I-House are going to be sprayed with
good ol’ American apple pie, beer, and
barrel after barrel of unrefined crude oil.
F u t u r e
The structure will then be razed, and the
land will become the site for the new
National House,” Adamson said. “We’re
all very excited about this; it’s going to
be an entirely new I-…er, House.”
Current I-House residents, who have
been complaining of nausea and headaches from the noxious fumes since last
October, had much to say about the recent development.
“Alright, so maybe the fumes weren’t from the paint on the radiators,” said
Nigel Ryans, an I-House resident from
England. “But it wasn’t me; I brush
regularly. It’s those damn French.”
“We have done nothing wrong,” replied Michel Legrange, admitted Frenchman. “It’s the Russians, the Russians
and their Russian Communism.”
But not every resident of International House can be taken to task for
the smells; some of them aren’t even
from foreign countries. “I don’t even
know why I live here,” commented grad
student Peter Smith. “I’m from New
Jersey.”
E r e c t i o n s
Randel Concerned New Dorm Not Phallic Enough
By C. H. Kim, N. Kuschinski, N. Green
In an exclusive interview with Don
Randel last week, the President expressed his extreme dissatisfaction with
the progress made in the design of the
new dorm to replace the Shoreland in
2008: “After $100,000,000 we’ve only
got the shaft. The balls and the head are
still missing!” He exclaimed while waving
a crudely drawn picture of his own plans
in his left hand.
It is true that the design of the new
dorm is certainly less phallic than the
original designs he had proposed to the
Dorm Committee in 2004. The need for
a more phallic design is part of Randel’s
lame duck initiative to make the Univeristy much more masculine and to stifle
complaints that Max P just “did not fit in
with the rest of the campus”. It is also
strongly suspected that President Randel wants to leave behind a monument
to his tenure which says “I am glad that I
got out of there just in time!”
The original design mirrored Ran-
del’s plans more closely, but the
large round “testicular” formations
at the base were removed in the
final draft. Similarly, atop the tower,
Randel had planned to include a
decorative garden, featuring a
prominent geyser-like fountain. “It’s
just not fair!” bemoaned Randel,
“That was the best part!”.
Most students are impressed
with what has been proposed so
far, but Randel thinks that they are
not impressed enough, and that “If A model derived from the mysteriously-stained “Randel napkin”
they had seen what I had envisioned, they would be going nuts!” In- glorious future of this University--more
deed, the Dealer has concluded by way than just symbolically!”
of a scientific poll that the student body
President Randel is saddened by
is only going “Apeshit” over the new de- the whole ordeal. He concluded the insign, and is still several standard devia- terview by saying, “I am worried that this
tions from “Going nuts”.
University’s potential to reproduce its
SG has argued that the new designs glorious past has been significantly di“show how active SG has been this minished and that re-designs like this
year,” to which Don Randal replied, that are acting as floodgates, blocking the
far from being actively involved with the creative juices from flowing freely and
new dorm, they have “Castrated the spawning many a brain child.”
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W e e k
Now available in Norwegian! / Nå anvendelig inne Norsk!
i n
P a g e
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A Word from Our Editor
F a c e b o o k
Bush Defends Wiretaps,
Friend Details as Constitutional
By Sarah Pickman
In a recent televised address, President George W. Bush defended his secret wiretap and friend detail program to
the American public, citing it as “a crucial step in protecting America’s borders, America’s people, and America’s…free and holy way of life” from
“terrorists who commit acts of terror.”
He cited that under the Patriot Act of
2001, the use of such procedures is a
viable way of gathering information on
suspected terrorists, such as members
of Al Qaeda, the ACLU, or the people you
went to summer camp with in middle
school.
Bush has had to defend these surveillance methods time and time again
over the past few weeks, ever since the
New York Times revealed that since
2002, Bush has repeatedly authorized
the double-dog super-secret National
Security Agency to intercept communication between suspected terrorists with-
By Pat Lange, Layout Editor
Curmudegeon—(n.) An ill-tempered person
full of resentment and stubborn notions,
usually of advanced age. May be crusty, irasout first obtaining a court order. Since cible, incorrigible, and downright ornery.
late 2005, the Times reported, Bush has
also authorized Facebook requests for
friend details as part of the surveillance
program. By creating a fake Facebook
p r of i l e f o r O s am a b i n L ad e n
(Oberlin,’75, Gender Studies Major) NSA
agents were able to use the friend details function to determine the connection of suspected terrorists to the Al
Qaeda leader.
Bush’s actions have been widely
criticized by Democrats in Congress and
civil liberty advocacy groups, who have
cited that the wiretaps are in violation of
the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act
of 1978. As for the friend details requests, House Minority leader Jonathan
Smuckers has been quoted as saying “I
speak for my Democratic colleagues and
the rational people of this country in
saying that they are just creepy…they’re
just so…ugh…random. Yuck.”
Bush has repeatedly claimed that
COBBIES from page 1
Thankfully however messages have been sent in to the brand
new and highly advertised complaints website,
http://complaints.uchicago.edu, and action has been taken
with Student Government’s usual speed and efficiency. They
haven’t done a thing.
PETA member and animal rights activist Julie Wardenhauser is incensed by the lack of concern on campus for
these increasingly rare creatures, saying, “It’s, like, totally unfair! Smokers have, like, feelings too!” Wardenhauser vowed
that the campus environmental groups will not let this stand.
The local IllinoisPIRG office has committed to help the Cobbies to help by sending out teams of street canvassers to be
ignored and blown off by busy students on the quads.
Also, in a surprising move the mysterious RSO known as
the Environmental Concerns Organization is considering coming out of hiding.
We sought out the group and after a few phone calls were
met in a dark alley, blindfolded, and led to the ECO’s secret
lair. There, dimly lit by a lamp powered by three first years on
treadmills, we received in a sealed envelope made of 100%
recycled paper, an official statement from the leader only
known as “The Green Shadow”:
As the construction continues and the number of Cobb
smokers dwindles, it is a sad thought on the minds of many
students that some day soon we may never see these magnificent, strange, scowling creatures again. We at the ECO
the wiretaps have been successful in
detecting and preventing terrorist attacks. As for the friend details, one
anonymous source told the Shady
Dealer that the results have also been
very useful. Not surprisingly, most of
those who befriended “Osama” confirmed that they and Osama “Were
Members of an Organization/Team,”
“Traveled Together” (usually as part of
the Afghan Experience Summer Abroad
program), or “Took a Course Together”
at Oberlin. A few friends chose “Lived
Together,” elaborating with “in a cave,”
“in an Allah-damned cave,” or in a
“freezing, dark Allah-damned cave,” and
one friend even said that they “Met Randomly” at “Ibrahim’s Christmas party
last year.” Said our source, “Once we
have Osama’s complete Social Timeline,
we will have completed a crucial step in
ending terrorism worldwide.”
fervently hope that the construction will go away soon, and
give the Cobb Smokers their natural habitat back once more.
If it is not in time, the things we have come to know and love
from the Cobbies—the smell the distinctive smell of burning
nicotine and toxins, the sounds of wheezing, coughing, and
the distinctive Cobbie mating call “Hey, got a light?”— may
disappear into history forever.
V - D a y
E c o n o m i c s
Need a way to tell that certain special Econ Major how you feel? Wait, are they even
capable of love?
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P a g e
“… Like the Grand Canyon. Seriously…”
4
The Big VD Spread
E s s a y s
f r o m
t h e
E d i t o r s
Love, Death, and Thinly Veiled Pelvic Thrusting:
A Historical Perspective on Valentine’s Day
By Pat Lange
As another Valentine’s Day approaches, some of our readers may be
asking “Why should I celebrate this depressing morass of flowers, greeting
cards, and pagan rituals? Does it really
mean anything to express love when it’s
expected? Also, I am single, and I hate
you all.” This is a compelling question,
and one which must be considered carefully in light of the historical context of
this, our calendar’s second-most hormonally-charged holiday (have you seen
what people do on Halloween these
days?). Also, we are sorry: we personally
find you very attractive (call us, baby: 49467), and we’re sure you’ll meet someone eventually.
The origins of St. Valentine’s lie in
the ancient Roman festival of Juno, during which young men and women would
be randomly paired for an evening of
wholly innocent and platonic activities.
After it came to power, the Catholic
Church took a fairly dim view of such
festivals.
Enter Valentine, a priest whose gruesome death occurred on the very same
V - D a y
day as the festival of Juno. Valentine, as
we all know, was killed under the rule of
the Emperor Claudius for performing too
many marriages, which were banned at
the time (this is the kind of social engineering that most historians chalk up to
lead poisoning). According to legend,
Valentine’s still-beating heart was ripped
from his chest, and then stuffed with
chocolate, inspiring a later Valentine’s
Day tradition. Additionally, Valentine inspired the tradition of the Valentine’s
Day note, by signing his last letter, “from
your Valentine.” Simultaneously, Valentine developed the tradition of priests
having questionable correspondence
with young girls.
Saint Valentine’s Day was first associated with love in the Middle Ages, and
many of the most treasured customs of
the day (such as heavy drinking, running
one’s rival through with a long, pointy
stick, and primae noctis) originated
there. However, most consider the modern celebration of the holiday to have
begun in 1929, with the Saint Valentine’s Day massacre.
For grand expressions of dislike,
E m e r g e n c y
nothing really matches Al Capone’s arranging the death of the majority of rival
Bugsy Moran’s gang (the last victim to
die suffered twenty-two bullet wounds in
the back). The following Valentine’s Day
occurred during the Great Depression, as
have the following seventy-five for single
people everywhere. Not that we’re bitter
or anything. For many people, Valentine’s Day remains an inspiring time to
commemorate love, the many ways one
can use money to express it, and the
many ways one can get bitched at if one
does not. And, in some (mostly Welsh)
cases, it is considered a prime opportunity for “Welsh love spoons,” which, for
the good of our readers, we will leave
unexplained.
Most of our editors are, as you might
have guessed, very desperately single.
And we have a great sense of humor.
And for all you know, we’re very goodlooking, except in our Facebook photos.
And very few of us are addicted to alcohol, and even fewer to weed, and there’s
maybe one or two crackheads. But we’re
all addicted to your love, baby. You really
mean that much to us. Girl, you know
it… girl, you know it… girl, you know it’s
true. Please, God, call us.
S u p p l i e s
Looking for that “New Vagina” Smell?
Need a way to tell a certain special special someone how you feel, and lack the
social skills to do it in a non-candied manner? You pretentious hack.
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“The way to a man’s heart… no, not the ribcage.”
S t a r - C r o s s e d
L o v e r s
Plan to Seduce Roommate Fails
By Samantha Schoeneman
Last weekend, Cindy Schaeffer’s
plan to seduce her roommate Erin O’Malley failed horribly, with Erin ending up in
the University of Chicago “at the forefront
of medicine” Hospitals in anaphylactic
shock with chocolate in her hair. Before
the accident, Erin was last seen with
Cindy, whom medical authorities questioned immediately to determine what
caused Erin’s state. During the questioning Cindy broke down in tears and explained that she did not intend any of
this to happen. She was madly in love
with Erin and had desired to make an
amorous declaration of that to her on
Friday night.
Apparently, Cindy had fallen in love
with her roommate immediately when
she saw Erin, carrying a book of Sappho’s poetry, walk into their room on
move-in day. Right then and there Cindy
planned a gentle seduction of the innocent Classics major Erin. “I began with
the little things, like massaging her back
when it hurt, asking for her help with my
zippers (I used to make sure they were
caught just so I could have a little more
intimate time with her), and doing a lot of
Yoga when she was in the room,” recalls
Cindy fondly.
Unfortunately these little things
led in the wrong direction. One day when
Cindy was giving a topless Erin, who was
discreetly lying on her stomach, a massage with Cucumber Melon Massage Oil
from Bath and Body Works, Mark, a hallmate, entered the room and promptly fell
Pure Chemistry
A picture is worth a thousand words. And a good dose of
painkillers is worth… well, it’s
worth a lot on the black market.
Does someone you know give
you that wonderful light-headed
feeling, fill you with serene calm,
and possibly lead to kidney damage? Then charm them with another of our specially designed
UChicago Valentines. You’ll hook
up, or they’ll hook you up with a
supplier. Either way, we oxytocin
you too.
in love with Erin. “I saw that the door was
ajar and thought it would be okay for me
to come in. I needed help from Erin with
my Latin homework. And there she was,
lying serenely on her bed, looking so
beautiful,” says Mark, “I always admired
her academically, but then I really saw
her for what she was -- a beautiful and
talented woman. I asked her out the
next day, and she said yes.”
Enraged by the sudden turn of
events, Cindy decided that she had to do
something fast. “I couldn’t lose her after
all the time I spent on her and not to
mention all the zippers I had ruined for
her.” She planned the seduction for Friday night. While Erin was in her Honors
Chem lab that evening, Cindy lit scented
candles and incense; she covered Erin’s
bed with chocolate kisses, and put on a
sexy nightie. Unfortunately Cindy stained
her nightie with the chocolate she had
saved for herself. “I wanted things to be
perfect, so I went to the laundry room to
fix it,” says Cindy. While in the laundry
room, Erin came back early from her lab,
dead tired, and just lay on her bed without noticing the changed ambience. The
chocolate melted and got in her hair, and
the scented candles, to which she had
been allergic to since she was a little girl,
caused her to go into anaphylactic shock
after she fell asleep. Cindy soon came
back and immediately called the paramedics. “I don’t know how I can stay in
my dorm, let alone this school. I’m so
embarrassed!” Cindy will likely move to
Broadview this week.
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Shady Personals:
Peppy elderly SWF looking for fun,
outgoing older man for walks, movies,
laughter, my cats, travel, pegging.
I saw you walking to Crerar while I
was going to class. We made brief, glorious eye contact, and I have decided
that you, the girl with short brown hair
and a pink backpack, are my soulmate.
Will you become my wife?
To the girl in the green shirt in the
corner at Alpha Delt last week. Sorry I
puked on your shoes after grinding.
Can we still be friends?
Thirty-seven-year-old first-year looking for that special girl with which to
finally lose virginity.
Rugged, older fourth-year looking
for a dame to saddle up with in the Wild
Max West. Let's just say I have a Fistful
of Lovin'. -"Clint"
Insane high priest of the cult of the
crawling chaos Nyarlathotep seeks virgin sacrifice to his blind, demented
god-being from beyond the stars, in
order to cause the dead city R'lyeh to
rise from beneath the cold, unfeeling
sea and bring about the horrific death
of the human race. No fatties.
SBC from Prague looking for other
cockroach to commiserate with. Must
understand trials and tribulations of
human experience. Must not want to
touch my antennae. Depressed Postmodernist a plus. Call Gregor at 773702-7148
Shady Dealer writer looking for
fuck-buddy and coke mule. Must have
ass so fine as to be able to serve breakfast off it, tits out to here, legs up to
here, and generally have had more
plastic surgery than Michael Jackson.
Bring applications in person to the rotating bed in my third-floor walk-up.
Plato, son of Ariston, seeks attractive young Greek for cuddling, wine
coolers, writing treatises on government, and a non-me relationship. Must
like elaborately constructed arguments
through dialogue and hairy old men.
Male or female, I don't care.
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“We make The Maroon look like journalism.”
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E n t e r t a i n m e n t
The Shady Dealer Predicts the Oscars
By Lisbeth Redfield
It’s Oscar season again, and soon
you too can spend five hours critiquing
other people’s clothes, all for the sake
of finding out who gets robbed, who
doesn’t deserve what they won, who
gets kissed, who cries, who shows up
stoned, and which aging music star
makes him or herself look ridiculous.
We at the Dealer would like to present
our personal preferences for the 2006
Academy Awards and are saddened and
disgusted at the Academy’s taste, given
that they do not agree with us in any
category.
BEST ACTOR: Björn Hlynur Haradsson in Eleven Men Out. All right, so
unless you were at the Toronto Film Festival, you probably haven’t seen this
one, but it still has great cinematic
value. No, seriously. Who is really going
to argue with us for nominating the actor
from the movie about gay Icelandic soccer players? Come on…one of the characters is called Gøgga.
B E ST A C TR ES S: O n e word :
GWYNETH. We are UChicago students:
to let Proof get by without a nomination
just…hurts. The U of C students who
invaded the AMC River East cinema (and
maybe even the three Northwestern
students) to see Proof during O-Week
will be behind us on this: the movie is
good because it was filmed on campus.
P l a u s i b l e
Yes, it has plot holes the size of Mexico.
Yes, the math is easy enough for the
105 students. But it’s the principle of
the thing! And Paltrow’s performance
wasn’t, err, bad.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Sir Ben
Kingsley in BoodRayne. Not only is the
movie at a Van Helsing standard, it has
uncountable buckets of red dye number
3 – err, blood – and a truly terrifying
lack of plot. Plus Ghandi plays the villain; what more could you want?
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Did
anybody see House of Wax? No, we
didn’t think so. But it had Paris Hilton in
it, and we totally, completely believe she
can act. Really.
BEST DIRECTOR: Long underappreciated for his work on such classics as
Rocki Roads’ Wet Dreams, Island Fever
3, and Forbidden Tales, director/screen
writer Joone finally comes into his own
with Pirates, the most expensive adult
movie in history. This three disc saga of
seamen, hands-on cat fights, cut-andthrust action, and breathless climaxes is
tantalizingly acted by a do-everything
cast. Clearly, this is more than just a
Johnny Depp-less rip-off of Pirates of the
Caribbean. Featured in Newsweek, winner of 11 AVN trophies, Pirates is, according to production company president Samantha Lewis, “the first true
adult movie to crossover into mainstream entertainment.” Joone has created a masterpiece; what can we say?
It’s big, it’s long, and it’s intensely satisfying.
BEST PICTURE: No doubt such banalized main-stream efforts as King
Kong, The Chronicles of Narnia: The
Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe or
The Constant Gardener will take the
award for Best Picture this year, but we
would like to see a film of integrity win.
A film made with love and care and attention to detail; a work of stunning,
cinematic brilliance; a work that stays in
your mind for weeks afterwards; a ten
out of ten. And, to that end, we are
nominating for Best Picture the shocking
examination of American capitalism interacting with the post-Soviet vacuum in
Slovakia that is presented so vividly in
Eli Roth’s Hostel as it explores the moralities of power, money, and commodities.
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“New York Times Best-Selling Author Tucker Fucking Max”
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G o v e r n t a i n m e n t
Conservative Justices Form League, Combine Powers
By Ethan Stanislawski
With the appointment of Samuel
Alito, Jr. to the Supreme Court, many
liberal Americans fear that over 50 years
of progressive reforms will be overturned by the conservative justices appointed by George W. Bush. What they
don’t realize, however, is that with five
conservative judges, forces beckoned
from down below, and out of the ground
comes a spirit named Constructica, who
takes her place above the scales of justice of the Supreme Court.
Constructica informed the conservative judges that they had formed
the League of Justice, or the
“Justiceteers,” and each of them would
be given powers. Chief Justice John Roberts had the power of “Destroy the
Earth” with the ability to oppose environmental laws or limited military powers.
Justice Antonin Scalia was given
“Religious Fire” with the ability to constantly support the moral issues of the
Christian Right. Justice Anthony Kennedy, the rebel of the group, has the
power of “Windbag” where he lets the
liberal justices believe he’s on their side
and thus learn their secrets for the LoJ.
Justice Clarence Thomas was given
the power of “Blow Affirmative Action
out of the Water”, which is pretty selfexplanatory. The judge who provides the
intangibles to the group, however, is
Alito, who not only has the power
“Heartless”, but has a little helper monkey named “Dubya” who saves the
group under the most dire circumstances.
Constructica gave the group rings,
and when they hold up their rings, they
summon Captain Literal Interpretation
of the Constitution, or Captain Lic, who
fights all the enemies the conservative
agenda has to face.
The Justiceteers were challenged
very early by 3rd Circuit Appeals Court’s
Andy Activist, who tried to contest a law
forcing a teenager to notify her parents
about an abortion illegal. The League
rode their superplane to Pennsylvania,
where Judge Activist was throwing
aborted fetuses into the hands of horrified parents. Luckily, they arrived just in
time, and Scalia was able to use his Re-
Captain Lic
ligious Fire power to get the parents to
He’s our hero
protest and destroy a Planned ParentGonna take liberalism down to zero
hood office.
Gonna help constrict the powers
Yet, Andy Activist kept aborting baOf the Constitution’s final hours.
bies, and the Justiceteers were forced to
We’re the Justiceteers, you can be
summon Captain Lic, who’s stance that
“the constitution does not give the one too
Cause saving our country is the thing
power to protect an unfounded definition of privacy” pummeled Andy Activist, to do
Aborting and Distorting is not the way
kicking him off the Appeals Court and
Hear what Captain Lic has to say:
putting Pat Robertson in his place.
“The Power is Limited!”
The Justiceteers celebrated with the
song:
The Chicago Shady Dealer Presents:
*Editor’s Note: Tucker Max does not, in fact, prefer non-alcoholic beer. However, to avoid violating University poster
policies we will make no alcohol references in our event ads. Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol. That is all.
Just like octogenarian midget hermaphrodites, we have a website: SHADYDEALER.UCHICAGO.EDU
C R E S C A T
R U M O R
V I T I A
E X C O L A N T U R
The Chicago Shady Dealer is:
Zachary Binney…… Editor-In-Chief, Generalissimo
James Snyder…….. Managing Editor, General Lunatic
Patrick Lange………Layout Editor, Chief Procrastinator
Rob Quirk…………… Copy Editor, Wonders How He Got Himself into This Mess
Emily King………….. Copy Editor, Not Willing to Get Naked
Mame Maloney……Webmaster in Progress
Harry Nangle………. Chief Photo-monkey
Frances Yao Tong.. Coffee Editor, Caucasian-Asian
Adam Friedlan…… Bureau of Canadian Affairs, Mongol Warlord
Bill Volk………...…… Drawer of Mustaches, Teller of Tales
Max Corey………….. Destroyer of Word Counts
C a r e e r
A d v i c e
Metcalf Madness
By Max Corey
Here are some things lamer than
not getting a cool summer internship this
summer: Core Bio, Paul Reiser, Bartlett’s
Strawberry Tamales, Bartlett’s uninventive
offering of cereals, the fact that the type of
Sushi I want from Bartlett is strangely never
there, and Jose Padilla. But with applications due really soon (seriously, what
douchebag made it so that you have to work
on your resume and self-absorbed cover
letters over Winter Break, one of two times
during the school year with no homework
hanging over your head? Sometimes I think
life should just be Gattaca, where from birth
we’re all set on a path and if you’re a 7-11
Slurpee Cleaner working the graveyard shift,
you’re fucked, but at least you know. Does
anyone remember what this sentence was
about? I’ll just start over). But with applications due really soon, you might find yourself
thinking “I’m tired of being a wannabe
league bowler, I want to be a league bowler!”
Think beyond league bowling my friend.
Here are some Internships that could have
you paid, made, and maybe laid.
Production Intern, Wicked Pictures, Las Vegas, NV.
Company Description: Come work for Wicked
Pictures, the MGM of porno.
Duties and Responsibilities: Jobs will include
but are not limited too: oiling up actors/actress’ genitalia, shaving pubic hair,
shaving actors’ mustaches, handing out fliers to visiting family tourists on the Vegas
Strip for upcoming releases, writing the
screenplays, and STD checkups of actors/actresses. We may also ask you to act
in videos should the Porn Actors Guild go on
strike.
Qualifications: Wicked Pictures prides itself
on the hard work of its staff. A positive energy, good teamwork skills, as well as Excel,
Word, and PowerPoint Experience will be
expected. No specific major necessary, but
all applicants must have a GPA of at least
3.5. A big dick and/or big tits will help too.
Systems Analyst, JP Morgan, New York, NY
I have no idea what the hell a systems analyst is. I think it might involve computers. I
remember Martin from “The Simpsons”
hopes that the Career Aptitude Test will predict him as one.
Copy Bitch, Zole, Liszt, Verm and Associates,
Chicago, IL.
Company Description: Zole, Liszt, Verm and
Associates is an international law firm with
offices in 47 cities including the Windy City.
We specialize in torts, contracts, as well as
occasional appearances on Texas Justice
and Judge Joe Brown.
Duties and Responsibilities: You make copies; we give you good letter of recommendation.
Qualifications: Willing to be treated like gum
that’s been resting on the bottom of your left
tennis shoe for 9 weeks.
Personal Assistant to Dustin “Screech” Diamond, Los Angeles, CA
Seriously, the stories would be amazing…Does anyone remember Lisa, the black
girl from Saved by the Bell? Has any other
character gotten the shaft like that? I mean,
Zach had Kelly as well as any other woman
with two legs and a face, AC Slater had
Jessie, aka that Showgirls actress, and yet
who was Lisa supposed to hook up with?
Screech? Mr. Belding? The guy who owned
the Max?
Stand-Up Comic, Department of Defense,
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
Company Description: Dude, it’s the DoD.
Duties and Responsibilities: In light of recent criticisms of torture, the Department of
Defense is going out of its way to show that
Camp Gitmo can be more like Camp Ana-
wana than a prisoner of war camp. The DoD
is now allowing prisoners 60 minutes of free
time in which they will be able to attend a
variety of entertainment events. We are
looking for stand up comics, clowns, magicians, puppeteers, and other entertainers.
Interns will be expected to perform 5 times a
week with at least one show having an encore. You may also have to “gag and bag
those Nazi muffins” if they get unruly and
start demanding crazy things like their
“Koran” and “Food.”
Qualifications: Must have extensive entertainment and public speaking experience,
and be comfortable with large and restless
crowds. Arabic, Farsi, and Urdu are a must.
Interpersonal skills, a commitment to excellence, attention to details, being able to work
under pressure, and a willingness to lie are
strongly encouraged.
Posse Member, DJ An’twann Fuck, Gary, IN
Company Description: Haven’t heard of DJ
An’twann Fuck? Well, fuck you! DJ An’twann
Fuck is from the worst streets of the USA:
Gary, Indiana, America’s murder capital. 50
Cent may have been shot 9 times, but fuckin
DJ An’twann Fuck was fuckin shot 19 fuckin
times just fuckin yesterday walking his fuckin
dog, Q-Rag. DJ An’twann Fuck doesn’t pretend to be a fake gangster and just rap
about it. He doesn’t even rap, he just shoots
people, usually children with disabilities and
speech impediments. What you think about
that, bitch?
Duties and Responsibilities: Buy DJ An’twann
Fuck ice, bitches, and blunts.
Qualifications: All applicants who can’t keep
it real will be stabbed with a ballpoint pen
during the interview.
Other Internships Available
Market Research, Wal-Mart, Hell
Quarterback, Chicago Bears, Chicago, IL
Punching Bag, The O’Reilly Factor, New York,
NY
Stick, Up The Ass of Ted Kennedy, Washington DC