2011 Edition 11

KILLERS & DEATH METAL SEOUL TWITTER NEW POETRY FORAGING FOR FOOD
INSIDE: SERIAL
THIRD WHEELING CANTEEN CHINA THE POPE GADDAFI EROTICA LIBYA SPORT ROUNDUP
7 SEP 2011
Vol.63
VOLUME
63, NOno.
11 9
11 AUGUST 2011
The Australian National University Newspaper Since 1948
TOILETS ON CAMPUS
( P.4)
WHAT's ON:
CULTURE IN THE CAPITAL
(P.11)
www.woroni.com.au
FEES UP AT HALLS
Tariffs at Halls of
Residence to increase
by 7-8% next year
MARIE NGIAM
NEWS SUBEDITOR
The ANU accommodation crisis
took a turn for the worse when
it was revealed that students
living in ANU-run halls and
colleges will be hit with a rise
in accommodation costs in 2012.
This news comes barely two
weeks after a Q&A style session
organised by the National Union
of Students was held at the ANU
to discuss concerns students had
regarding accommodation services
at the ANU.
Residents living in a standard
self-catered room in Bruce Hall
and Ursula Hall will see their
weekly tariff rise from $297.50 to
$317.90 per week, a total increase
of $20.40 per week. Burton and
Garran Hall, Fenner Hall and Toad
Hall residents will experience a
similar rise in room tariffs from
$163 to $175.30, a total increase
of $12.30 per week. Residents
living in single bedrooms would
be hit the hardest, with a total
increase of $30 increase per week.
It will cost $1,060 more per year
for a standard catered room, $640
more for a self-catered room and
$1,560 more for a single bedroom.
University
Accommodation
Services (UAS) cites an increase
in fruit and vegetable prices in
Canberra, as well as staff salaries,
Arts degrees
How will they change?
VINCENT CHIANG
CORRESPONDENT
as the main reasons why the
costs of running residential halls
in Canberra have risen and an
increase in tariffs is needed.
However, it is unclear how and
why this should affect the rise in
tariffs for students living in noncatered accommodation. In fact,
these students will experience a
sharper rise in accommodation
costs with an 8% increase,
while those living in catered
accommodation will experience a
7% increase.
Woroni understands that the
increase in tariffs comes after
UAS reneged on a promise to
conduct a review and reassessment
on room tariffs. In a meeting
held last year, UAS agreed to
freeze room tariffs for 2011 in
order to reassess the budgets of
individual halls of residences, and
investigate alternative options to
counter the shortfall in funding
at these residences through an
external review. Neither of these
promises were carried out. The
way in which UAS sought to get
these recommendations approved
was also disappointing, as the
document outlining these tariff
increases was sent out to relevant
student representatives only hours
before the meeting to discuss
these changes was held.
The discontent with how
accommodation
services
are
currently being run coupled with
the lack of accommodation options
in Canberra was brought to the fore
in ANUSA’s recent submissions
to the ACT Legislative Assembly
Standing Committee on Education,
Training and Youth Affairs.
The submission highlighted the
accommodation shortage facing
the ANU and recommended
measures that could be taken to
combat these problems. Among
others, it recommended exploring
the possibility of emulating a
US-style housing Cooperative.
This option was echoed by
the Canberra Student Housing
Cooperative, which also put
forward a submission to the ACT
Legislative Assembly.
“Housing is not just an issue
for first years but for all ANU
students”,
ANU
Students’
Association
President
Leah
Ginnivan said. “We think there
should be more affordable
housing for students in the inner
north, and the ACT government
can help with this by allowing
more student-friendly and lower
cost developments to happen”.
Geoff Lemon: A Man With A Mouth ANU GRIZZLIES DO US PROUD
LISA VISENTIN
FEATURES SUBEDITOR
If you haven’t heard of Geoff
Lemon until now then you are in
for a treat!
Acerbic by name and nature
Geoff Lemon punched his way
into the Australian political
conversation earlier this year
with his viciously eloquent article
titled “You shut your goddamn
carbon-taxin’ mouth”. Since then,
that piece and many of his
subsequent articles, all of which
are posted on his blog Heathen
Scripture, have been run on The
Drum and The Punch, but not
before they pixelated their way
across Australia via facebook.
At a time where our current
political commentary is being
inundated by the suffocating
conservatism of the Divines and
Bolts as they champion a crusade
of stagnation on issues such as
gay rights and climate change,
Lemon has become a popular
voice of reason, ruthless hilarity
and vitriolic smuttery. If you are
not reading this guy, you should
be. Right now. Well, after you
read Woroni’s interview with him.
INTERVIEW, P9
Photo by Josh Lickiss
The ANU Grizzlies are through to the finals of the NSW
Tertiary Students Grand Final after defeating the UC
Cows 20-14
FULL STORY P.18
Students reading the online
Study@ANU page will have
noticed substantial changes to the
Bachelor of Arts.
Students beginning at the ANU
prior to 2012 will now have the
choice between continuing their
previous program of study, or
engaging with the newer, more
flexible study program.
This will introduce numerous
structural changes to the Bachelor
of Arts major.
The new Arts degree will require
48 units for the completion of an
Arts major, as opposed to 42 units
in the previous degree structure.
This brings the ANU’s major
requirements to a similar standard
to the University of Melbourne
and the University of Sydney,
which require a similar number of
units (or their equivalent) for the
completion of a major.
More radically, the change in the
degree structure will allow for the
completion of minors.
These 24 units sequences gives
students “recognition for having
done…quite a coherent area
of study” on their university
transcripts according to the College
of Arts and Social Sciences Dean
of Education Professor Joan
Beaumont.
Professor Beaumont also states
that the university will offer new
“Advanced Area of Specialisation”
options, such as American Studies
and Classical Chinese which
would be unfeasible to offer as
part of a student’s major, but
should nevertheless be given
CONTINUED P.2
NEWS
“Don’t frack with coal seam”: protesters to uni
RICHARD KEYS
NEWS SUBEDITOR
Around 30 students from the
ANU Environmental Collective
gathered to protest against coal
seam gas extraction on Thursday
1st September. Their grievances
included the ANU’s support for
this practice, the unknown health
consequences of the method used
to extract it - hydraulic fracturing,
and concern for the rights of
landowners to stop such methods
on and around their land.
Particularly concerning was that
of the 23 chemicals used in the
hydraulic fracturing process, only
2 have been adequately tested for
their effects on the environment
and human health.
Of these
chemicals used, some are known
carcinogens to animals and, due
to the bioaccumulative nature
of many of these chemicals,
there is the risk that they might
contaminate environments and
water supplies with potentially
devastating effects.
The protesters expressed their
discontent with the fact that
Arts degree changes
continued from page 1
substantial recognition in a
student’s transcript.
Finally, there is the addition and
loss of specific majors. Certain
majors such as Applied Linguistics
will only be available to students
as minor sequences, while others,
such as Classics, will now be
given their own undergraduate
degrees.
Students will also be able to take
majors offered by other Colleges,
such as Chinese (Mandarin) and
Mathematics.
The CASS website has now
been updated with a full list of
changes, as well as advice for
students wishing to transfer into
the new program structure.
CASS has also stated that it will
offer a University advisory session
in October, directed primarily at
students who are unsure about
what these changes mean or are
otherwise concerned by how the
changes may affect them.
Applications for program transfer
must be completed by 9th
December 2011.
The popularity of transfers
remains to be seen, particularly
for later-year students who may
find it difficult to complete their
previously course of study given
the new set of requirements.
the ANU is currently the 12th
largest investor in the coal
seam gas extraction company,
Metgasco, owning close to
1% of the company. Concerns
were raised as to whether it is
ethical for the nation’s premiere
research university to support
a company that uses a method
of energy production with such
unknown
consequences.
The
Environment Collective suggested
that investment in Metgasco is
contradictory to the image the
ANU is trying to cultivate of
being a leader in climate change
and renewable energy.
The protesters called for a stop to
coal seam gas extraction until the
dangers have been fully analysed,
suggesting the current short-trm
moratorium on exploration in
places such as New South Wales
be expanded in scope, made
indefinite, and introduced across
the whole of Australia. They
further suggested that the ANU
distance itself from this technology.
“The ANU should definitely
reassess their contribution to this
rapidly expanding, harmful and
unethical industry”, said protester
Clare Harrison.
Student forum with VC
ANGUS CAMERON
WRITER
At 1pm on Thursday 29th
September, the Vice-Chancellor
of the ANU will take part in a
student run forum on his ten-year
vision for the ANU.
The appearance of the Vice
Chancellor during market day
in Union Court is, for the most
part, an unheard of occurrence
and it offers an unprecedented
opportunity for Professor Young
to put his vision of the ANU’s
future to students, and for students
to question that vision.
Topics under discussion will
include the ANU’s research
strategy, education plans, national
policy focus and relationship with
industry.
The event offers a great
opportunity for both sceptics and
supporters of Professor Young’s
position to have their questions
addressed in an informal and
personal setting.
The Critical Mass forum comes
at an interesting time in light
of the ANU’s recent drop in
both the Shanghai Jiao Tong
rankings and the Times Higher
Education rankings. Both of these
organizations have recently ranked
the ANU below the University of
Melbourne for the first time in
their history of the rankings.
All students are invited to come
along to the forum to hear the
Vice Chancellor.
THE NEWS EXPLAINED with Max Phillis
The Libyan situation
In early February groups of
Libyan civilians began their own
incarnation of the revolutions
occurring across the Arab world.
While each of these revolutions
had its own catalyst, the uniting
themes are the frustration with
pervasive corruption and anger at
oppressive governments. For Libya
in particular, perceived corruption
was in many ways the ultimate
catalyst, having the highest level
of perceived corruption amongst
all the Arab states facing rebellion.
This concern was compounded by
estimates that up to one in every
five people was a government
informant under Gaddafi’s regime.
This particular uprising began
in the eastern town of Benghazi,
historically seen as an opposition
stronghold. A “Day of Rage” led
to the torching of police stations
and other government buildings
and was answered by the military
with live ammunition. Despite
this response the military and
police were forced out of the city
within two days, though a sizable
number of defectors stayed behind.
This apparent victory encouraged
further uprisings across the country,
while the protesters in Benghazi
continued to push back Gaddafi’s
forces. Gaddafi responded to
this new threat with significant
brutality, including the systemic
shooting of protesters, torture and
alleged mass rape. This led the
International Criminal Court to
issue an international arrest warrant
for Gaddafi for crimes against
humanity. Coupled with Gaddafi’s
use of tanks and aircraft against
civilians, this provided the political
will for NATO intervention on the
side of the rebels.
Despite civilian casualties, the
intervention provided what the
rebels lacked in air support,
as well as training in tactics
and weapon use. Over several
months this has shifted the power
balance towards the rebels who
WORONI
A Publication of ANU
Student Media Inc.
Editors
Elouise Fowler
Sophie Turnbull
Angus Minns
Simon Thompson
Scott Bolton
Tom Westland
Uma Patel
Cameron Knott
Subeditors
Marie Ngiam (News)
Richard Keys (News)
Izzy Roper (Opinion)
Rachel Davies (Opinion)
Lisa Visentin (Features)
Gareth Robinson (Features)
Jess Millen (Culture)
Liv Clarke (Culture)
Will Walton (Sport)
Farzaneh Edraki (At-Large)
Cam Wilson (Web)
Tom Garwood (Web)
Zid Mancenido (Outreach)
Proofreaders
Patrick Ingle
Daniel Lynch
Letters To The Editor
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Woroni Editorial
now control over 90% of the
country and the capital Tripoli.
With Gaddafi effectively defeated,
attention in Libya is turning to
the massive task of reconstruction
and justice, while the West quietly
ponders what type of government
will fill this new void.
@Woroni
Deadline
Submissions for Edition 12
(Election Edition) must be
in before 5PM Wednesday
14th September.
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NSW 2015 2011
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2
NEWS
THE FORTNIGHT
Woroni’s guide to the world at large
NEWS
QUIZ
You’d be lucky to be a high school
student in Camden, New Jersey at the
moment. Under Camden’s “I Can End
Truancy” Program, 66 students who
signed pledges promising not to skip
class during their school year will be
awarded money in a bid by state officials to address truancy rates. Some
will be paid up to $100.
Black Face Controversy
Qantas recently found itself red faced
over a black face stunt, as part of a
competition asking fans how they would
best support the Wallabies in the Bledisloe Cup. Two men were awarded tickets to the game after they promised to
dress up as Fijian-born Wallaby Radike
Samo. The two wore black pace paint
and afro wigs. Qantas apologised for
posting the photo to Twitter, after the
incident caused considerable outrage in
the Twittersphere.
How Much is a Penis Worth?
Not $16 million, apparently. A Kentucky jury ruled last Thursday against
a man who sought to recover that
amount for the loss of his penis, after
it was removed by surgeons four years
ago. Doctors sought to amputate the
man’s appendage after it was found to
be cancerous. The court rejected the
man’s argument that he suffered sufficient loss of “service, love, and affection”. There’s a lesson in all this, folks:
be wary of signing consent forms. You
may lose your penis.
... Just Kidding!
Republican Presidential hopeful Michele
Bachmann has undertaken serious damage control after comments she made
equating Hurricane Irene to an act of
God against Washington. At a campaign
rally she addressed the crowd: “I don’t
know how much God has to do to get
the attention of the politicians. We’ve
had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’” Bachmann insists
these comments were only in jest.
1
The half-brother of which
Queensland MP came out
on national television,
after the MP publicly
ridiculed gay marriage at
a rally?
2
How many Wikileaked
U.S. diplomatic cables
are now available on the
internet?
3
Who did cricket
commentator Nasseer
Hussein call a “donkey”
during the recent
Twenty20 match?
Winslet to the Rescue
Eid Mubarak!
Kate Winslet rescued Richard Branson’s
mother from a burning home. The actress was staying at Branson’s Caribbean holiday home with her children when
the house caught on fire. According to
witnesses, Winslet carried Branson’s
90-year-old mother to safety from the
flames. Richard Branson has described
Winslet as a “heroine”.
Thousands of Muslims celebrated Eid alFitr with feasts last Wednesday. It marks
the end of Ramadan, the Islamic holy
month of fasting. The holiday served as
a day of respite from fighting in Libya.
4
Which Australian state
announced new planning
laws giving households
the right to veto wind
turbines within two
kilometres of their home?
5
Who did Shane Warne
declare his love for on
talkback radio?
Malaysia Solution Invalid
G + C 4eva
Dig It
In a 6-1 decision, the High Court ruled
last Wednesday against Labor’s Malaysia Solution, declaring the refugee
policy invalid. It stressed that Malaysia
did not have sufficient laws in place to
protect the safety and human rights of
asylum seekers. Malaysia is not yet a
party to the Refugee Convention. Under the deal, Australia would have sent
800 refugees to Malaysia, and received
4,000 in return.
A scrapbook that belonged to ousted
Libyan leader Gaddafi is said to contain dozens of pictures of former US
Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice.
The scrapbook was discovered after
rebels searched Gaddafi’s former Tripoli compound. This isn’t the first time
Gaddafi has expressed his affection
for Ms Rice; on previous occasions, he
gave her a locket with his own picture
in it and once called her his “darling
African woman”.
Ned Kelly’s been dead for over 130
years, but it was only last Thursday
that scientists were able to identify
his remains. Kelly’s near-headless
skeleton was discovered amongst
many others in a mass grave in Victoria and exhumed in 2009. It took a
DNA sample from the great grandson
of Kelly’s sister to confirm that the
bones were in fact those of the Kelly
Gang leader.
www.woroni.com.au
ANSWERS
1. Bob Katter
2. 251, 287
3. The Indian cricket team
4. Victoria
5. Elizabeth Hurley
Correction: Scott Bolton is
Woroni’s most eligible bachelor
Cha Ching!
?
3
OPINION
Everything I ever learnt at uni
4
Relieving yourself in style is a matter of grave importance
I.P. DALEY
WRITER
On the cusp of an on-time
departure at the end of my fifth
year of university it had become
apparent that I had gathered some
pretty amazing education at my
time at the ANU. It was only
after toilets had come up in
conversation for the third time in
one week with the same group of
friends, that someone suggested it
was time to pass on some of
my hard-learned Ladies Room
tips for the betterment of the
greener students at this university.
As someone who has a five star
rating system for toilets when
travelling overseas (one star for
each of cleanliness, toilet paper,
cost, special features & style),
finding the optimal toilet on
campus has become an alternative
to the smoko. I apologise now
to those who find this article
female, law/languages or left-wing
biased. I imagine the male toilets
are relatively comparable and I
really haven’t used enough of the
Gentlemens to assert any level of
expertise.
So you’re looking for a quiet
spot to read a magazine? If you’re
in the Union Court area it has
to be the upstairs restrooms in
the Union Building near Ticketek.
Literally ten stalls, barely known
and almost never used. The décor,
I admit, is dated – but a quieter
spot in the heart of campus you’ll
not find.
If you’re after high quality toilet
paper both the Union Building
and Gym have a softer ply than
the university standard. However,
it is prone to pre-emptive tearing.
For proper little rolls like Mum
bought at home – try the Hedley
Bull Building. Nice architecture,
nice toilets, nice non-staff only
showers, nice toilet paper and a
nice café (Gods HB) – essentially
the perfect place for a university
outing.
Two
words
on
overused
facilities. Just don’t. Are you
ever really in that much of a
hurry? If you’re about to burst
a boiler and must use any of
the following: ANY toilet in the
Manning Clarke Centre, Chifley
levels 2 and 3, the Law Library
or Baldessin Precinct Building
entry toilets – I recommend the
hover, which has added benefit
for your quads and gluts. If you
find yourself in a danger high
usage bathroom zone try these
tips. Chifley level 4 – three times
the number of toilets as level 1
and half the people. Baldessin –
take the back stairs up to the next
level. Law Library – take a quick
sojourn from study with a brisk
walk outside the library, turn left
take the stairs up one flight, turn
left, proceed along corridor to the
toilets at the end – truly some
of the most pleasant light filled
toilets in the law school (note:
contrary to popular belief these
are not staff toilets). Manning
Clarke – either the upstairs union
described above or nip across to
your friendly student politicians.
ANUSA has more toilets than full
time staff.
Once upon a time, I was in a
24 hour computer lab, only to
discover that the all-night place
where you go to talk to a man
about a horse was closed! I admit
to experiencing a low level stress
response – heart beat increasing,
slightly sweaty palms, stomach
butterflies. It was 10am, I’d been
there since 8am and drunk half a
litre of water in that time. There
was an essay due the next day,
and I’d planned to be in the lab
for the entire day. I took a deep
breath and began a process of
problem solving. The solution –
which I’m sure in the toilets-openall-around-you-and-no-pressingneed-to-take-a-wizz light of your
day is obvious – the Halls and
Colleges. When in doubt, all Halls
and Colleges have a place you can
lose a few pounds in their publicaccess area, usually near reception,
for staff and guests. So I toddled
on over to UniHouse, enjoyed a
walk past the gold fish pond and
turned in to water the porcelain
across from the great hall.
For an interesting experience,
there are two powder rooms that
come to mind. Second place
would have to go to Gods café
little girls’ room in the Drama
building – where there is a
selection of postcards on the back
of the door substantive enough
to satisfy the entertainment needs
of the most stubborn kids who
don’t want to be dropped off
at the pool. First place would
have to go to stalls in the same
building, at Teatro Vivaldi’s: truly
an artwork. Somewhat overused if
there’s a play on in the evening,
the exceptional décor makes this
entirely forgivable. To access,
enter the main foyer to the Drama
Building, turn right and cross the
courtyard. Just delightful!
So if you need go into session,
do the paper work, number ones
or two or (let’s just say it) push
one out – be imaginative: the
university offers a magnitude of
experiences for you to explore.
Stay turned for the next
installment.
Time. And to cap off a perfect
system, only the people who
really believed what they are
saying would bother to dress up,
cutting out much of the boring
and pointless filibustering which
currently goes on.
I think I'm on to a winner. So,
are you man enough to ruffle?
Politics and Skirt Ruffling
LAURA HENNING
WRITER
I'm a bit depressed right now
by the fact that my 4 year old
makes more sense than most of
the politicians on TV. She doesn't
revert to name calling and general
sullenness when someone else is
winning a debate. She never brings
up potential court proceedings to
win points. And she has never
been to a carbon rally.
Why anyone goes into politics is
beyond me. Is it the respect? Doubt
it. All the time you get to spend
in Canberra? It could actually be
that, if they ever left the bunker
we call Parliament House. I know
it’s not the money. Any CEO of a
half-decent company earns at least
four times what the PM does and
backbenchers are practically being
paid at intern rates. What to do?
At first I thought the solution
was for the politicians to grow
up - but as I said, my 4 year old
is better behaved. So maybe the
answer is to grow down: if they
were more childlike they might
be better able to resolve their
differences. Although… my 4
year old does occasionally revert
to violence and it wouldn’t be
politically correct to want dead
pollies clogging the gutters.
I’ve got a better idea: politicians
should fight to the political death
through skirt ruffling. You heard
me, skirt ruffling. Like the women
in West Side Story (‘America’).
They would each dress up in
big multilayered skirts in different
coloured silks (It has to be
silk, you need some pomp and
ceremony). Having donned the
appropriate attire, they would sing
impassioned pleas while dancing
and ruffling their skirts at their
opponent. Several rounds could
take place until a winner is
decided by popular acclaim.
This method of political debate
has several advantages over the
Westminster system. For one, it
would give women an advantage
- something we still need in this
less than equal society. It would
also cause ABC rating to rise
as this would appeal to a much
wider audience that Question
Twitter,
people,
and
dangerous
things
OPINION
5
RIMA MURYANTINA
WRITER
Back in 2009, bored with
Facebook
and
tempted
to
try another foray into social
networking, I found Twitter. At
first, I only used it to reply to
friends who mentioned me. But
as time has gone by, I’ve realised
that Twitter has revealed how
dangerous the power of public
opinion is, even where those
opinions are confined to 140
characters.
From the terrorist attack in
Norway to the London riots, the
Queensland flood to Hurricane
Irene, football results to the
birthdays of Korean pop stars: the
news spreads across the trending
topics on Twitter. You can be
more updated than the emergency
television broadcasts, but the usual
perils of the internet apply. Some
opinions on Twitter are sensible,
verifiable and reliable. Most of
them aren’t.
After the Norway shootings,
a Twitter user tried to create a
sarcastic trending topic criticising
the Western media she thought
had rushed to judge Muslims
for the tragedy. The sarcasm of
#BlameTheMuslims went over like
a brick. After the original Tweeter
was revealed, she was attacked by
many despite explaining what had
actually happened. Some people
supported her; others still blamed
her for provoking racism; others
jumped in just for the chance to
have a famous tweet.
Recently, when people started
to play hashtag games called
#ReplaceMovieNamesWithIrene,
not everyone thought it was just
a fun way to keep people strong
as they faced the dangerous
storm. Some couldn’t see how the
imminent disaster could be taken
lightly. And then again, some
people just wanted to tweet.
The other dangerous thing about
Twitter is the fact that it pushes
us to take sides in complex and
misinterpreted debates and news
issues. However, I consider the
Twitterland a way to understand
humans and the world, as each
player rarely escapes from
their own subjective perceptive.
It’s like watching the Akira
Kurosawa’s Rashomon everyday,
or rather, becoming the characters
themselves. A movie called Life?
So you’re no longer at
Australia’s top university
But why do you care about rankings anyway?
VINCENT CHIANG
CORRESPONDENT
Following the latest Academic
Ranking of World Universities
(AWRU)
report,
students
university-wide have been shocked
at the ANU’s loss of first place
in Australia, at the hands of
the University of Melbourne.
Hyperbole is flying everywhere:
“the ANU is in decline!”, people
will suggest, or “our education is
no longer world-class!”. But is
there actually a crisis? The key to
this question lies in some research
and just a little bit of critical
thinking, not just in relation to the
ARWU report, but also in relation
to university rankings in general.
But first, to the issue immediately
at hand. According to its website,
the ARWU gives 20% of its
weighting for any university’s
given “value” as being based
on the number of “staff of an
institution winning Nobel Prizes
and Fields Medals”.
Already,
the rankings are suspect. After
all, how much bearing does this
actually have on a university’s
quality, particularly when one or
two exceptional individuals can
make a tremendous difference?
www.woroni.com.au
Additionally, 40% of the weighting
is given to the number of papers
published and indexed, whilst
only 10% is given to “per capita
academic performance of an
institution”. Doesn’t this naturally
disadvantage smaller universities
(such as the ANU), which will
naturally be producing less
material, due to a smaller number
of students and staff? The answer
is an obvious yes.
Basically, the ARWU system
seems a bit strange. Of course,
why stop there?
The Times
Higher Education (THE) rankings,
which similarly states the ANU as
being inferior to Melbourne, lists
on its website its primary ranking
“methodology” as a survey, asking
academics as to which they thought
were the strongest universities in
their given field. Whilst more
meaningful in some ways than
the ARWU’s methodology (after
all, we like to listen to what
experts believe is good for us),
it is undeniable that reputation is
inherently subjective, bringing into
question yet again the validity of
this particular ranking system.
So then what? Supporters of
the ANU will likely want to fall
back on the QS World University
Rankings, which not only lists the
ANU as Australia’s best university,
but also includes the tangibly
relevant criterion the “Faculty
Student Ratio”.
Unfortunately,
even the QS is flawed; like its
counterparts, it values slightly
dubious data, such as the
“International Student Ratio”,
and an “Academic Peer Review”
which seems similar to the THE’s
reputation-based assessment.
Perhaps then, we should all take
a step back, and re-evaluate the
actual value of tertiary rankings.
Students don’t just come to
universities for prestige or high
research output: they come for an
education, and for an experience.
The ANU offers degree programs
unique within Australia, a
smaller, more intimate academic
atmosphere, and an incredibly
diverse range of opportunities, all
of which contribute to its merit.
Yes, reputation is still significant,
and one could even make a case
for valuing Nobel Prize winners,
but making factors such as these
so prominent in forming university
rankings seems unjustified. It is
time that universities are perceived
for something beyond irrelevant
statistics; it is time to give the
ANU kudos for what actually
matters.
PAGE
6 6
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FEATURE
7
Why pay for food...
...when you can forage
for it!
WRITER
There comes a time
in every student’s life
when they face what is
perhaps one of the most
challenging times in their
so far sheltered existence.
It is during this period that
we truly see the inner strength
of an individual. Ladies and
gentlemen, I am of course talking
about running out of money and
subsequently running out of food.
It seems to me that the answer to
this problem lies in the landscape
around us. With so much free food
growing and frolicking around us,
perhaps it is time students learnt
more about the natural bounty
around them. For example, cacti
and trees known for providing
water and shade, also taste rather
exquisite in a broth or clear soup,
seasoned well with a little wild
grass and bamboo shoots. All that
is really required is a small axe
and a pair of good sturdy gloves
if you plan to handle the cactus.
‘Flower power’, not just a
redundant phrase from the
seventies, but a core component
of any wild forager’s Bible. There
are several rather tasty types of
flora out there that would be great
in a salad. Just a selection of
these include: the yellow water
lily, marsh marigolds and the lotus.
And if you get any odd looks for
munching on a sunflower, clearly
those are just posh kids who
are never going to run out of
Campbell’s soup.
I’d also advise you to totally
ignore what you may have been
taught about certain plants, or
any prejudices you may hold.
Stinging nettles for example are
vicious little so-and-so’s at the
best of times, yet make excellent
soup and have long been famed
by travelling European gypsies
for keeping one’s blood pure.
Furthermore, more often than not
the things covered in spines and
needles tend to be pretty good to
eat. Just be careful how you get
to that prickly pear for example.
I find you can’t go wrong with
barbeque tongs.
And perhaps most important to
the diet of any student, is fresh
meat. Now ANU seems to have
cultivated a rather special bond
with some rather dopey animals.
If you can get a hold of a net I
imagine you could catch a possum
or two and a fair few ducks. I
would advise, nonetheless, that
you begin your meat foraging
with a carefully planned attack
upon the cockatoos. There is
no real reason for this vendetta
except that they are awake at an
ungodly hour in the mornings and
tend not to let anyone forget this.
So if you can whack one over the
back of the head, you can then
enjoy a delicious meal of braised
cockatoo breast in a white wine
and spinach sauce.
So with all that in mind, the
final point for you foragers is that
while free food is a good thing,
one can never forget our manners.
So just a quick reminder about
wild foraging etiquette.
1. All good foragers ask
permission or, in any case, are
just very sneaky. This is vitally
important if the place in which
the yummy stuff grows is private
property or is guarded by a pitbull.
‘
MAN HAS
NEEDS
With so much free food
growing and frolicking
around us, perhaps it
is time students learnt
more about the natural
bounty around them.
‘
KAVYA KUMARESAN
Generally speaking, wandering
into someone’s back garden is
not the best idea, however night
time raids have proved surprising
successful. Just look out for dogs...
and possums.
2.
Don’t take all the stuff
that’s there. This is essential to
remember if you want to establish
a longstanding relationship with
your foraging territory. If you end
up munching all the wild edible
goodies a place has to offer, those
goodies aren’t going to grow there
anymore. So remember, be greedy,
but not too greedy.
3.
Learn how to run fast...
and hide well. Just in case.
NATURE
PROVIDES
www.woroni.com.au
FEATURE
8
Sweet life
The Danish recipe for happiness
ALISON TANDY
WRITER
Denmark currently tops the
Gallup list of the World’s
Happiest Countries, a phenomenon
that can’t simply be ascribed to
the legacy of the Danish welfare
state. What then makes the Danes
so damn happy? A recent student
exchange at the University of
Copenhagen has given me what
I believe to be a partial answer:
It is “hygge” that breathes life
into the Danish soul. The first
rule of hygge is: you do not talk
about hygge. Hygge should not be
pinned down and restricted by the
inexactitude of language. To do so
would be to obliterate and dispel
its very essence. No, hygge is an
experience. I suspect that it is
this intrinsic ethereality of hygge
that has allowed it to be held
privy by generations of Danes.
Luckily (though also to my great
dismay), I am not a Dane, and,
therefore, am not bound to regard
this cultural phenomenon with
unspoken appreciation. Instead, I
will shout it from the rooftops!
… Metaphorically speaking. To
me, hygge is the warm feeling
of hosting a dinner with family
on a cold winter’s night. It is the
comfort of drinking tea in the dim
candlelight of a café outfitted with
retro wallpaper and an array of
mismatched armchairs, or of the
stacks of folded woollen blankets
awaiting you as you enter a library
to study. It is as spontaneous as
skipping class to sprawl in the
sunshine on the first +15ºC day
of spring. It is the satisfaction of
sitting on your college room floor
with five good friends, eating a
home-baked carrot cake and it
is the joy of spending a long
summer evening in the park;
riding your second-hand bicycle,
grilling sausages and lazily
sipping apple cider. Simply put,
Danes relish friendly company,
tealight candles, knitted jumpers,
cafes that could just as well be
someone’s living room, sunshine,
flowers, and an abundance of
good food and drink. Applied
generously, such things can make
even the most commonplace
situations hyggelig. And it’s this
kind of passion that our dear city
Canberra could learn from. We
live in the only major Australian
city with winter conditions that
remotely resemble the notoriously
harsh Scandinavian winter and
these are devastating to Canberra’s
already flimsy cultural landscape.
But where Canberra spews
its cultural guts before fasting
until spring brings us Floriade,
Copenhagen thrives despite the
cold and darkness. What, then,
causes the difference? It would
be easy to blame Canberra’s
failings on the persistent drone
of the Public Service and the
lack of trendy, hole-in-the-wall
cafes, but it’s simply not fair to
do so. What lies at the heart
of the matter is probably that
the spaciousness that Walter
Burley Griffin envisioned for
Canberra ultimately fragments its
wider sense of community, as
well as family life. Take me,
for instance - I have probably
only ever exchanged a “hello”
with the family living next door
to me once (and can’t count the
number of years they’ve lived
there). I go to the city and back
by car (never by bus) and live
in a house sizeable enough that I
could quite easily get away with
evading my family (even at meal
times) until I finish my degree
and move out. My society teaches
me that to have this space is a
privilege. So why does it cause
me concern? The Danes do not
face this problem; they live in
each other’s pockets, and living
with them has taught me that they
have what, deep down, I REALLY
WANT. I thirst to connect with
and make familiar the space and
the people of this city which
I call my own. Yet even more
than that, I want to douse this
connection in the warm fuzziness
that results from living and loving
well. The Danes embrace hygge,
make it their own, bring it into
their homes and let it live out in
the streets. If Canberrans did the
same, just maybe we could make
Canberra a more desirable place
to live.
FEATURE
9
GEOFF LEMON
Woroni chats with the wordsmith behind Heathen Scripture
LISA VISENTIN
FEATURES SUBEDITOR
How did you first get involved
in the writing game?
I actually started out writing
poetry, believe it or not. Even
that I didn’t get into until I was
in my 20s. In my last year of
uni I started getting interested in
writing and reading at open mics
and doing performances. From
that I started writing stuff that
was trying to entertain people –
there’s all these poets out there
writing boring, shitty poetry and
I felt like it could be much more
entertaining and it could be the
kind of thing that could have
jokes in it. People could enjoy
it! So I started writing with the
intent to entertain people and
I guess the same sort of idea
has spilled over into the political
writing I do now.
Your blog, the Heathen
Scripture, has an overwhelming
political focus. You’ve tackled the
topics of gay marriage, religion
in public schools and the carbon
tax. Just how popular has your
blog become in recent months?
The carbon tax article was the
turning point. Before that it was
a pretty modest readership. The
carbon tax piece got 250,000 hits
in 3 days – so that’s what you
might call a spike on the graph!
Since then all my subsequent
work has been getting a lot
more traffic coming through. It
actually wasn’t a political blog
and I still don’t think of it as
being a political blog. I started it
less than 2 years ago as a travel
blog – writing about things that
happened in Argentina. I tend to
drink a lot and have a pretty
terrible memory so when I went
to Argentina I thought that I’d
have to record it all somehow
or all these interesting things that
happened would disappear. I read
some other travel blogs that were
so fucking excruciatingly dull,
where you have some boring
middle age couple, and I thought,
“I can write something more
entertaining than that”.
When I came home from
Argentina, I kept writing whatever
was on my mind for that particular
day. The way I think about
Heathen Scripture is that it’s the
blog version of what I would be
talking about if me and a friend
sat down with a couple of drinks
at the end of the day. So it could
be a bunch of hilarious dick jokes
that I thought the world needed
to know…or it could be my
frank and unequivocal thoughts
on carbon taxation…or anywhere
in between.
Your carbon tax article has been
shared on facebook by 20,000
people. That’s an incredible
number. What kind of feedback
have you had from that piece?
It definitely hasn’t been all
positive…but yes, I have had a
lot of really positive feedback.
That piece had amazing volumes
of feedback. It had over 1500
comments. The average article
that has 10,000 views might
get 100 comments so it got an
extraordinary amount of discussion
and debate going – the comment
thread on the article has about 4
miles of ‘scroll down’. A lot of
this was positive based on the
fact that I was saying things in a
really straightforward way, which
apparently is a rare commodity.
Right, that’s exactly the focus of
my next question. Do you think
the popularity of your blog is
due to the fact that it articulates
a progressive, no-nonsense and
critical perspective, in a climate
where Australian media seems be
recycling and echoing the same
homogenous voice throughout its
major publications?
Absolutely. The voices you have
at the moment are journalists who
are too afraid to say anything that
could be construed as tending
towards one side or the other.
Then you have a whole slue
of right-wing journalists…well
columnists, because they are not
actually journalists because they
don’t have to have evidences or
sources, they are just having an
“opinion”. They are, of course,
the ones that complain all the
time about left-wing media bias. I
really resent this ‘right-wing, leftwing’ bullshit. Apparently if you
think Tony Abbot is a fuckwit that
means that you’re officially left
wing. I don’t see why you can’t
be anywhere you want on the
political spectrum and still think
Tony Abbott is a fuckwit simply
because Tony Abbott is a fuckwit.
Categorically. You could be Robert
Menzies and probably still think
Tony Abbot is a fuckwit. I don’t
think of myself as left wing –
although I’ve been called it a lot
in the last few weeks based on
the things I’ve written.
Do you think this speaks about
the importance of a blog as this
emerging medium itself? That
given that current media doesn’t
seem to be tackling this issues
head on, or is taking a very tame
approach, Australians are turning
to blogs, seeking a more fearless,
no-bullshit assessment of current
policy rather sensationalistic
headlines and editorials aimed at
moving papers?
Yes, I think that’s the case. The
newspaper business gets distracted
trying to hook readers in with
the most trashy and irrelevant
thing it can think of. I think the
reason why there was such a big
www.woroni.com.au
response to the carbon tax piece
in the beginning was that I wasn’t
constrained by having to stay
within the bounds of good taste
of any major publication.
In your other pieces and,
much to the pleasure of many,
you’ve torn shreds of brutal
eloquence off the likes of Bob
Katter, Barnaby Joyce, Miranda
Devine, Andrew Bolt and Jim
Wallace with respect to their
conservative, and specifically
anti-gay rights, views…have you
had any responses from any of
these people in relation to your
writings?
The inside word I’ve had is
that Andrew Bolt wasn’t greatly
impressed by my piece and
interestingly he described it as
a smear campaign, which is
funny because I was very clearly
addressing the points he had made
and not his character. Apparently
dissecting his points and finding
out he was talking shit amounted to
a smear campaign. I can’t say I’ve
had any personal correspondence
from Barney Joyce or the lovely
Miranda but I can only hope. As
for Bob Katter, I think he would
be hilarious to get wasted with.
Are
papers
constraining
their own journalists or is it
the journalists themselves who
we ought to feel disappointed
in – are they failing us in
their representation of what’s
happening in Australian politics?
I think a lot of journos tend
to self-censor before they get
told to censor. And then that
carries through each level. Their
immediate editor will be more
inclined to censor things that
perhaps their superiors wouldn’t
and then the section editor will
be more inclined to be cautious
again. Each level of command
keeps being more and more
cautious with what it’s prepared
to put out and that contributes to
the generally bland nature of the
reporting you get. If the people
at the bottom of the chain were
prepared to be a bit more daring
then they’d probably get a lot
more through than they might
think.
You’ve been known to drop the
occasional c-bomb in your articles
and generally aren’t adverse to
profanity or confronting sexual
analogies…is there ever a line
which can’t be crossed?
I use profanities because I find
them entertaining and I think
they’re an interesting part of
language. A well-used profanity,
used in an interesting and original
way is yet another part of language
I enjoy. The conversational tone is
what I think people enjoy about
Heathen Scripture. Lets strip away
the corporate crap coming out
of the media release and tell it
how it is. As for a line – I’m
cautious not to promote hatred or
racism or anything like that. But
for the most part, I know I’m
using it with the right intention.
But you’re still welcome to be
offended.
Hate mail: do you get much?
I got a lot of angry mail in
response to the carbon tax piece.
Being accused of defending the
Labor Party is pretty much the
most offensive thing anyone has
ever said to me. No, the best one
I had was a guy who told me I
should be raped and strangled.
Check out Heathen Scripture at
heathenscripture.wordpress.com.
The full podcast of this interview
is available at www.woroni.com.
au.
CULTURE
POETRY
Lords of Clamour
All at once they are the lords
The avant-garde; the thumping
They would have you stay, or
With a trail-blaze as wispy as
of clamour,
guttersnipes.
leave. No matter,
the hype.
They line in numbers great, and in their stride,
They lead you to the man, his stamp, the stairs.
And none will tend you once you are inside,
A tendency disbanded by their cares.
All in one, these are our kings of racket,
Hazy figures loom in tight-knit loops
And laugh down on the drunkard girl, who stacked it
On the ground, in Beer and Cruiser soup.
While folded ink-armed men with back to wall
Each choose their nightly prey - (it could be you)
Sight back, sneers down their nose; they feel so tall.
Fists sheathed until there’s someone to run through.
And then there are the glitter-girls dressed tightly,
Tressed, frosted faces, caked, smeared blood red lips
Convincing eager boys, who can’t stand rightly,
That beauty is tonight between their hips.
Illustration by Stuart Owen
Stuart Owen, Woroni’s poet
laureate, gets his rhyme on...
Long locked lads with baggy shirts and skinnys,
Who hate guitar - but look like Jimmy Page.
A conversation exudes in sweat and spiting ‘Please watch me dance: my look is all my rage.’
***
The scene is laid and quakes a hapless dream,
And though it shines, from years dug deep for gold.
You are a frayed and tattering at the seams,
Fed to the dog that shivers hungry cold.
Press your ears upon the silent darkening,
The weeknights, where the crowd rests like a dormant beast,
In through pane of window – Tugged clanking chains and barking,
The old shivering dog rattling the cage of sleep.
Gnashing till the night you’re deemed unworthy,
The night your hand’s too battered to be stamped.
The empty crested jackets have hands burly,
To toss you to those jaws that dogged; that clamp.
Remember the heat of masses matching rhythm
In crowded rooms, conditioned to the pits,
Is reverbed on – (is this so new a system?)
The music never mattered, not one bit.
The Butterfly
The butterfly, he flaps and falls
As softly as the breeze,
The first to heed the Sun’s bright call
And dancing of the leaves.
As all awakens from the still
Of winter’s hollow nights;
Now watered clouds amongst the ground
Unfolding petals fill their sight.
The Sun returns, the Earth upturned
And blue washed down the sky.
I know that life shall breathe again;
I’ve seen the butterfly.
Interested in helping set up an
ANU Radio Station?
Shoot us an email at
[email protected]
to find out more...
10
CULTURE
11
WHAT’S ON
FREE
Ruby Rose + Wax Motif @
Trinity Bar
Trinity Bar, Dickson
Free entry before 10pm, 10
September
ART
2011 Ranamok Glass Prize
Exhibition
The exhibition and prize attracts
a strong interest internationally
and is a pivotal event on the
Australian visual arts and craft
calendar. The standard of this
year’s works has been judged to
be extremely high and several of
the finalists hail from Canberra
and surrounds.
Canberra Glassworks until 22nd
September
Free Entry
Beyond the Self:
Contemporary Portraiture
from Asia
Discover the representation of
the self in current South and
Southeast Asian art practice
through the work of artists
from India, Indonesia, Malaysia,
Philippines and Thailand. This
exhibition explores the possibilities
of portraiture. See painting,
photography, sculpture, drawing
and media works.
National Portrait Gallery until 6th
November
MUSIC
Alexina Hawkins and Justin
Bullock at Smiths
This duo of viola and double
bass will be playing pieces by
JS Bach, R Glière, F Keyper,
Austin Buckett, Samuel Smith and
Reuben Lewis.
Smiths Alternative Bookshop
7.30 for 8PM, 8th September
Canberra Record Fair
A spectacular place for all
music enthusiasts to expand their
knowledge and their personal
collections. It doesn’t matter if
you are in search for classic vinyl
or last year’s CD, the collection
and choices are unparalleled. And
this year you’ll find the added
double shot of wicked tracks with
The Vinyl Junkie and John from
Revolve Records as they join
forces to offer Canberra Heads an
amazing selection of pure vinyl
heaven.
Tradies Club, Dickson Place,
Dickson
9AM-5PM, 10th and 11th
September
www.woroni.com.au
THEATRE
Short + Sweet
Murder, intrigue, sex and
laughter, and that’s just in 10
minutes! Short+Sweet is a
selection of plays from local,
national and international writers
over a massive two weeks of
theatre. The festival is set to
amaze and delight you with a top
20 that involve well known (and
less well known) Canberra actors
and directors impressing you with
their talents and chutzpah as they
vie for the best little play in
Canberra for 2011.
The Courtyard Studio, Canberra
Theatre Centre
8PM, Wednesdays to Saturdays,
31/08/11 – 10/09/11
Adult: $25, Concession: $20
Often I Find That I’m
Naked @ Street Theatre
Jezebel, is career-focused and
‘unlucky-in-love’ and has tried
almost anything in her endless
quest for love. Sex and the City
meets Bridget Jones’ Diary in
this madcap cabaret that takes a
hilariously honest look at the ups
and downs of single life.
The Street Theatre
8.30PM, 9th-10th September
Tickets from $22
BOOKS
Book Launch
“Fall on Me”
Join Robyn Archer for the
launch of a new novella by local
author Nigel Featherstone.
Electric Shadows Bookshop,
Braddon
5.30 for 6PM, 15th September
CULTURE
Chowing down in China
CRISTINA SANDERSON
WRITER
While people in the north of
China prefer to eat noodles and
bread-like foods, by the time
you’ve crossed the Yangtze
everyone loves rice the best, and
will feel ‘slightly uncomfortable’ if
they don’t get it down three times
a day. Recognising this fact- that
students and teachers need to eat
food three times a day - Chinese
universities ingeniously devote
several square metres of campus
land to ‘Feeding Areas’, which are
basically large rooms called ‘food
halls’or ‘canteens’. Unfortunately,
this fact is yet to be recognised
in any serious way by Australian
universities, who evidently believe
only students who live in campus
colleges need to eat food. Fulltime students who like eating food
don’t deserve the annoyance of
labouring part time jobs to afford
housing, even less so to support a
daily lunch habit. They should not
waste time scampering around the
city searching for something good
to eat. It would be much more
convenient if a no-name, affordable
and nutritious food supply were
easily accessible on campus. My
opinion boils down to this: given
the chance, although the ANU
could teach Chinese universities
how to teach better, Chinese
universities could teach ANU how
to feed better.
Canteen (“food hall”), is one of
the few English words adapted
from Chinese. If you’ve ever been
in one you’ll understand why there’s nothing quite like them in
the English-speaking world. The
one near my dormitory is like this:
two bustling, steamy, communal
floors, holding tens of orangeclad, no-fuss, skilled cooks, tiny
plastic chairs and tables, wooden
chop sticks, spoons and tinny
aluminium food trays. It opens
three times a day (I struggle to
get there by dinner, which starts at
4.45PM) for a strict time period.
Few need more than about 20
minutes to get in, eat, dunk a
tray, maybe grab a yoghurt, get
out. If you’re too slow, they’ll
be sloshing water all about ready
for the mopping, whether you’re
there or not; i.e., it won’t bother
them to go around your legs, or
your soup for that matter, so don’t
hang around if easily offended.
First, make sure you have money
loaded on your student card. Then
make your way to the counters.
Sort of line up, sort of push to
the front. Next, don’t worry if
you can’t name all the dishes in
Chinese, just use your forefinger
to point to whichever you’d like,
as everybody else does. When the
cook taps the rectangle of food
you’re after, mouth out “AHH,
AHH” and nod your head a bit.
Food choices, ground floor 31st
August: rice congee (nutritious,
good for skin, 67 times cheaper
than a Sub/Zamb), breads (salted
or sweetened - all flavoured in
some way), seaweed or tomato/
egg clear soup - free of charge,
oily fried or steamed vegetables
and meats (high energy, vitamin,
protein content), perfectly cooked
rice (feed your addiction for
less than 5c), egg fried rice,
baozi, fried pork or vegetable
dumplings, steamed dumplings,
corn dumplings, fried ‘best under
heaven’ noodles, roast duck noodle
soup, ice cream, half a watermelon
(40c), coke, yoghurt, beer, freshly
blended warm soya bean drink,
etc, etc. And no packaging.
Students and staff enjoy a
balanced and tasty diet for a price
relatively fair to the raw cost
of food here. The set time lets
you meet your friends easily and
structures a chat into your day,
between or during mouthfuls. No
need to text your friends to check
they’re free at the same time for
lunch, just see you at the canteen.
This year the writer is studying
at Southeast University in Nanjing.
She has been on summer holidays
for something like three months.
Now she’s back in Nanjing and
nobody (teachers included) knows
when classes start. They must be
starting soon though because the
canteen has finally re-opened, and
has refilled with students, teachers,
admin staff and their related
children, often riding little bikes
to make paths through the hungry
crowds.
INTERESTED IN WRITING?
WE
WANT
YOU
CONTACT US AT [email protected]
12
CULTURE
Discovering the Pacific
NICOLAS HALTER
WRITER
I thought I knew the basics
about the Pacific Islands before I
came to the ANU. My best friend
is Fijian, I’ve visited a couple
of islands, I’ve drunk the kava,
I’ve watched movies about the
Pacific War, and most importantly
I have felt the impact of a 100kg
Tongan forward in a rugby game.
Despite surviving that very painful
rugby game, I felt more wounded
walking out of the Coombs
building after a meeting with my
supervisor with the realisation that
I knew very little at all about the
Pacific.
It is surprising that Australians
know so little about our Pacific
neighbours when you consider
it was quite the opposite in the
1900s. The wheels of federation
were in motion, the French and
Germans were grabbing what
territories they could in the
Pacific, and Australians fiercely
debated regional security and
considered the merits of a new
O Father, who art in Madrid
ZID MANCENIDO
OUTREACH SUBEDITOR
At two million attendees, more
people went to World Youth Day
two weeks ago in Madrid than the
2004 Athens Olympics. Over one
million alone attended the main
celebration: a mass at Madrid’s
Cuatro Vientos Airport, which
was the closest public space to
the city centre (at 12.4km away)
that could accommodate such a
crowd.
At that mass, Pope Benedict
XVI proclaimed: “For our part,
we have come to know the
immensity of [God’s] love and we
want to respond generously to his
love by sharing with others the
joy we have received.”
Before, I continue, because
perhaps you are wondering. Yes,
I am the token Catholic in the
Woroni office. No, this isn’t
an attempt to indoctrinate you,
convert you, or sexually harass
your children. It’s about how
reading over the speeches of
the 265th Pope, Joseph Aloisius
Ratzinger, is like reading some
of the most colourful, passionate,
and charismatic speeches of this
decade. Too bad listening to them
is like being droned to death by a
raspy old Kraut who evokes bad
memories of WW2 propaganda
that you never listened to in Year
10 history.
His
speech
marking
the
beautification of the last Pope, John
Paul II (half way to sainthood!)
began with: “Our grief at his loss
was deep, but even greater was
our sense of an immense grace
which embraced Rome and the
whole world… Even then we
perceived the fragrance of his
sanctity…” Such imagery, such
magnanimity, such synaesthesia!
Perhaps this isn’t just a Pope
thing - in his recent speech on
the London Riots to the House
of Lords, the Archbishop of
Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams
argued: “Communities deserve
the best, and above all, let
me repeat it My Lords, young
people deserve the best.” Rhetoric
deserving furious belief, passion
and mighty spirit - unfortunately
delivered calmly and softly, more
like a bedtime story than a call
to passion.
And in a recent drone following
a visit to Kenya, he murmured
and disengaged the imagistic,
impassioned, and stirring statement:
“Faith is not just ideas in your
head, faith is not just feelings in
your heart – faith is the whole of
a new life, making a difference to
your lives, to your neighbours, to
your community, by the grace and
the Spirit of God.”
You may not believe them, you
may not even be able to hear
them, or identify what they’re
saying, but God damn, their
speechwriters can write.
www.woroni.com.au
Australian imperialism. It was a
time of intense interaction with
the Pacific, as improvements in
transportation and the growth of
trade and business, Christianity,
and colonial administration carried
hundreds of people around the
Oceanic region.
So with this in mind, I ask you
to consider the following Pacific
trivia and see how much you know
about your island neighbours. Can
you identify the Federated States
of Micronesia on a map? Did
you know that phosphate was
discovered on Nauru in 1900, and
this phosphate was a multi-million
dollar export that formed the basis
of Australian agricultural growth?
(phosphate is used as fertiliser.)
Or that tens of thousands of
Islanders were recruited to work
on Queensland sugar plantations
from the 1860s? Or that the
freestyle stroke was introduced to
Australia by a Solomon Islander?
For those who are feeling a little
lost now, let’s try more current
Pacific news. Most people have
an idea about the military coup in
Fiji. But do you know how many
coups there have been in Fiji? Or
the current military leader’s name?
13
Did you know that Papua New
Guinea changed its leader this
month? Or that Samoa decided to
change time zones, making it the
first country, rather than the last,
to celebrate the New Year? Or
that Japan won the rugby union
Pacific Nations Cup? Did you
know the US lost an unmanned
aircraft that travels at twenty times
the speed of sound on its way to
the Marshall Islands last week?
Whilst the Pacific Islands may
seem small and insignificant
on a global map, their histories
are closely intertwined with our
own. Islanders are an important
part of Australian society, and
their cultures are a great deal
more complex than what we see
in tourism advertising. If you
haven’t met a Pacific Islander yet,
I expect you will meet one in
a pub or club when the rugby
world cup starts. To prepare
for this encounter, I recommend
the Pacific Islands Report as a
quick and easy way to brush up
on current Pacific news (http://
pidp.eastwestcenter.org/pireport/
graphics.shtml). You never know
what you will learn.
CULTURE
Three’s company...
Rosie Bollard on the art of third-wheeling
ROSIE BOLLARD
WRITER
For a long time the position
of third wheel (3W), that is,
hanging out with a couple plus
one, has been unfairly associated
with awkwardness and a lack
of personal awareness.
While
bromance and open relationships
have been applauded, 3Ws have
never held an elevated social
position. They have been viewed
as individuals who not only cannot
sustain their own relationships but
have no other friends to fall back
on when their BFF finds a BF/
GF. However, this is a narrow
and naive perspective held by
those successful in love.
Over the past year, I have
perfected the art of third wheeling
– now I understand its role as
a useful life skill and, more
importantly, the benefits for all
parties. On exchange I was a
long-term 3W-er to a fellow
Australian couple who lived in
an apartment tiny enough to end
relationships. I also went on a
trip to Morocco with my BFF
and her BF where I slept snugly
in the child cot and learnt the
finer points of 3-person 500.
Finally, I have spent a lot of time
3W-ing with a couple who have
been together since age 17 and
are still going strong.
Starting with the benefits to
the 3W, it’s straightforward, you
get a 2 for 1 deal. You have a
great friend, they choose a great
significant other, you get double
the fun and friendship. This
works on the proviso that your
friend isn’t attracted to emotional
basket cases or arrogant slugs.
If you’re the 3W in desperate
situations (travelling, exchanging),
you’re likely to be a welcome
diversion from their prolonged
periods of one on one time. As
the diversion, everything you say
and do is entertaining, interesting
and exciting, even if you’re dull
as No Frills water crackers and
the highlight of your year is
completing your tax return.
As for the couple, they win
big time. 3Ws can be employed
effectively to diffuse ongoing
tensions. If your partner wants to
do a 6 month trip around Europe,
I suggest booking in 3W friends
at every port. They are a breath
of fresh air and if they’re not,
at least you’re reminded of how
great your partner is.
Being able to have a 3W is also
a sign of a strong relationship, as
it shows that both partners can
interact on a friendship level in
the company of a third person.
I am happy to report that all the
couples I’ve 3W-ed with have had
very solid relationships.
However, all expert 3Ws have
two key characteristics. First, they
are not capable of sustaining
their own relationships, which
means they have time to be a
3W. Second, neither party in the
couple considers them a threat.
After all, no woman is going to
embrace Angelina Jolie or Scarlett
Johansson as a 3W on a beach
holiday. That you are not a threat is
the greatest combined compliment
and insult, compliment because
they don’t see you as out to
poach partners and insult because
your potential to be a partner is
beyond all realms of possibility.
In short, 3W-ing doesn’t deserve
its bad reputation as it offers a
somewhat unusual scenario in
which everybody wins. So get
out there, book a table for 3, or
better still flights for 3, and be the
3W or embrace the 3W.
14
CULTURE
15
There will be blood
LIAM DEMAMIEL
WRITER
Last week I received a call from
a friend.
“Church of Misery are playing
in Canberra!” he yelled.
“Who are Church of Misery?” I
responded. The phone went silent
for a few seconds and then out
came the gushing of an ardent fan
boy. I tuned out before realising I
was late for class.
“Yes, I will go with you,” I
promised.
He squealed like an excited
schoolgirl.
I thought it would probably be
a good idea to see what I had
got myself into. A quick glance at
Wikipedia told me that “Church
of Misery’s style melds early-era
Black Sabbath-style doom with
psychedelic rock”. In the past I
have listened to plenty of bands
who have smoked too much weed
and worn out numerous copies
of the first four Sabbath albums,
and have honestly enjoyed them.
I downloaded the band’s album
Master of Brutality and settled in
for some good old stoner doom.
Things were looking up.
The first oddity I noticed was
the album artwork. The face on
the cover looked eerily familiar.
Gloomy, slightly deranged…isn’t
that John Wayne Gacy? I looked
at the song names; “Killfornia (Ed
Kemper)”, “Ripping into Pieces
(Peter Sutcliffe)”, “Megalomania
(Herbert Mullin)” and an eleven
minute title track “Master of
Brutality (John Wayne Gacy)”.
Hmm. Had I missed something?
Had I downloaded the wrong
thing? I turned back to Wikipedia,
which confirmed for me that
“most songs by Church of Misery
are about serial killers and mass
murderers”.
Curiosity got the better of me
and I listened. It was a little scary.
News reports and police interview
snippets are mashed together with
over the top Sabbath Volume
4-esque riffs. One track features
audio of the killer recounting how
he talked to the severed heads of
his victims while a fuzzed out
guitar churns a doomy riff. The
lyrics are brutal and leave little
room for imagination (“Down the
road to Northern California / it’s
for vengeance / female hitchhiker is
my prey / bloodstains on backseat
/ dead bodies in my trunk”). At
points it feels like a murder trial
cabaret. I know metal often prides
itself on being extreme, brutal and
dark. But seriously, serial killer
theme songs? What kind of crowd
is going to be at this gig? I was
both confused and intrigued.
A couple of days passed and I
couldn’t shake what I had listened
to; it was like nothing I had ever
musically experienced before. I
decided to give it another spin,
this time in the comfort of broad
daylight. Perhaps worryingly, I
enjoyed it. When you put the
extremity to one side and feel the
music, it just works. The brutality
of the riffing complements the
brutality of the subject matter,
almost bringing out the inherent
violence of what these murderers
are recounting, as if what they are
recounting is not violent enough.
In a time where gruesome murder
stories are reported regularly, what
Church of Misery are doing is
almost a slap in the face; a wakeup
call against the desensitised state
we are in. Their music is not
cheap or macabre or playing on
the misery of the victims, it is
thought-provoking art in its truest
sense.
I called my friend back, still
trying to make sense of it all. I
told him that I’d go with him to
experience the joy of Church of
Misery. He was in a bad mood.
“They cancelled their tour,” he
said.
TRAVEL FOR TIGHT ARSES
City and daily budget:
Seoul, South Korea ($60 –
$90)
SEOU
L
YASMIN
MASRI
STAY
EXPLORE
The
Hongdae
area,
where local students and
backpackers congregate
and the best nightlife in
the city can be found. Try
Ann Guesthouse or Bong
House
The Demilitarised Zone.
Just outside Seoul and well
worth the 40,000 won for
a half day trip.
WRITER
Get around:
EAT
Think cooking your own
(normally
all-you-caneat) meal at your table for
between 8,000 – 15,000
won. For the more adventurous, street food is another cheap option. Note
that it is pretty hard to
eat vegetarian in Korea.
Walk. If it’s too far your options are the subway (clean
and easy to navigate)
or a taxi (which can often
work out cheaper if there
are a few of you). Beware
the black taxis that charge
double normal rates for
providing “more experienced drivers”.
DON’T
Go in the wet season unless you really, really like rain.
DRINK
When in Seoul, drink like a
Korean. Soju is the beverage
of choice at 1,500 won from a
7/11 or around 3,000 won in a
bar. Don’t be fooled - although
it comes in beer bottles, soju is
much closer to a spirit. Also try
Makkeolli, a milky rice wine. A
night out is not complete without a trip to a “noraebang“ or kara-
VISIT
Insadong: with countless galleries
and traditional tearooms, it’s the
cultural centre of Seoul.
Myeongdong: the main CBD area
packed with local and international
shops at student friendly prices.
Dongdaemun market: so huge
that you need a few days to see
it all.
oke room.
www.woroni.com.au
CULTURE
DO YOU LOVE TO READ?
ARE YOU FUNCTIONALLY LITERATE?
16
Woroni Book Club
Come along to the first meeting of the Woroni Book Club!
When? Thursday 8th September
Where? ANU Bar
We will be discussing our meeting time and reading list.
More info? Email us at [email protected].
CULTURE
Movies Of The Fortnight
Trivia
To win two free double passes to any film
showing at Dendy
Cinemas
Canberra
send in your answers
to [email protected].
au and the person
with the most correct
answers will win.
1.Chris
Lowell,
who plays Stuart in
the The Help, is best
known for his work on
which TV show?
2. Friends
With
Benefits makes reference to which character from which previous Will Gluck film?
3.True or false:
Jennifer Aniston wore
a wig for her role in
Horrible Bosses?
4. One of the central protagonists in
One Day is named
Dexter. Which other
film has Woroni reviewed this year that
also had a character
named Dexter?
5. D o c u m e n t a r y
Senna won an audience award at Sundance. True or false?
6. Ed Westwick, of
Gossip Girl fame, stars
in which new release
film?
7.Name the authors of the novels
One Day and The
Help, which the respective films are
based on.
8. Which Brooklyn
based band contributed an original song
to the soundtrack of
Win Win?
9.True or false:
talk is underway for
a sequel to Horrible
Bosses?
Winn
er
!
Cowboys and Horrible Bosses
Aliens
Friends With
Benefits
AMY GRANT
SAM BRAZIER-HOLLINS
SCOTT BOLTON
WRITER
WRITER
EDITOR
Oh Justin Timberlake. When will you
release a new album? That said, Timberlake’s
acting abilities are quite impressive in the
new Will Gluck film, Friends With Benefits.
Timberlake plays Dylan, an art director
headhunted from LA to work for GQ in
New York. Mila Kunis plays Jamie, the
headhunter who entices him out to the east
coast, and whose Christmas bonus depends
on Dylan staying at GQ for at least a year.
After being simultaneously dumped, the two
hit it off, and agreed to become “friends
with benefits” – that is, have sex with no
strings attached. What ensues is a rather
predictable but funny romp.
Fans of Will Gluck, or indeed Emma
Stone (who appears as the dumper of JT
in the opening scenes) will notice many
similarities and references to Easy A, Gluck’s
last film. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing,
for Friends With Benefits uses the same kind
of humour as Easy A, and follows the same
generic pattern. Gluck attempts to go deeper
with this one, exploring themes such as
family and ageing, and for the most part,
pulls it off. Mila Kunis is every guy’s
fantasy, and the support cast is fantastic,
including Jenna Elfman, Patricia Clarkson
and Woody Harrelson. The film is easy to
watch and roll along with, and Timberlake
and Kunis definitely have chemistry. At the
very least, you’ll walk out with no doubts
about who sings the film’s theme song,
“Closing Time”.
In a year of comic book adaptations and
Hollywood sequels, Cowboys and Aliens
offers something truly different; a proper
good old-fashioned Western, but with aliens.
Before you start to wonder how it could
possibly compete with the bigger releases
this year take a moment to consider the
names behind it. Directed by Iron Man’s
Jon Favreau and staring Daniel Craig and
Harrison Ford along with Olivia Wilde, it
has the potential to be noticed. The plot is as
you might expect for the genre; guy wakes
up in the desert, steals a horse and rides into
town only to end up in a bar fight owing
to the fact he’s the most wanted criminal
in the land. No surprises there, that is until
the aliens show up and his weird metal
wristband starts to glow. From then on its
pretty much what you might imagine, there’s
even Indians – sorry, Native Americans –
just to reinforce that it really is a proper
Western. For a British actor playing an old
school American cowboy Daniel Craig really
does perform, with the occasional breakdown
in accent totally forgivable. Harrison Ford
is definitely starting to look a little grey
but he really does play the part well too.
Overall, solid plot and good acting, it might
be a little long but that’s just what Westerns
are. Well worth a look when you have an
evening to spare. And yes I know it was
once a graphics novel, but it still feels like
the most original film I’ve seen this year.
10.Along
with
Friends with Benefits,
Patricia Clarkson has
a role in another film
Woroni has reviewed
in this edition. Name
the film.
It is very rare these days for a film to
finish and the audience applause. But that
is exactly what happened when I saw
Horrible Bosses.
Directed by Seth Gordon, the film has
a simple plot. Nick (Jason Bateman), Dale
(Charlie Day) and Kurt (Jason Sudeikis) are
three best friends who are sick and tired
of taking abuse from respective bosses.
After a night at the pub the friends decide
that if they killed their bosses all their
problems would go away. With the help
of their “Murder Consultant”, played by
Jamie Foxx, the boys hatch a plan that
would get rid of their bosses and leave
them in the clear.
This film is brilliant.
Gordon draws the audience in beautifully
by creating an immediate sense of empathy
for the three best friends and hatred towards
the bosses. Bateman, Day and Sudeikis are
each brilliant and the banter between them
makes their friendship seem natural. Kevin
Spacey, Jennifer Aniston and Colin Farrell
are amazing in their roles as the evil
bosses, so much so that you can’t help but
love to hate them.
It is nice to see a film that mixes the
easy sex-based humour, with smarter wittier
humour; particularly rare in a Hollywood
comedy. One minute you will be laughing
your head off at some grotesque sequence,
the next you will be giggling at cleaver
reference or joke that Gordon has slipped
in.
The film is not politically correct; it is
raw, dark and because of this, for me it is
the funniest film of the year.
LAST WEEK’S TRIVIA ANSWERS
Congratulations to last week’s winners. Head to the Woroni office to get your double pass to Dendy.
Answers: 1) 2 2) Dario Marianelli 3)Semisonic 4) Scott Mitchell Rosenburg 5) 375, 000 6) The Green Lantern 7) False 8)
Easy A 9) Geoffery Rush and Hugo Weaving 10) Judi Dench
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17
SPORT
18
Interhall Premiership Quarter
AIZAZ SYED
in the Road Relay?
Is Bruce the new Ursies?
Are Toad going to get 20 points
in the sports shield?
These are all questions I look
forward to being answered in the
coming term.
Aizaz is ISO Publicity Officer
WRITER
As another fierce term of interhall
sports draws to a close, the results
of the sports shield are still in
contention. At present, John XXIII
has a very healthy lead on Burton
and Garran, with Burgmann and
Ursies hot on their trail. Fenner
and Unilodge are in a tight battle
for 5th and 6th with Bruce still
in striking distance. Toad is, well
…battling.
This term’s sports saw some
ferocious rivalries surface. Girls
sport became more aggressive,
men were concussed, limbs were
broken and friendships rattled. Yet
Johns continues to dominate the
results.
Johns featured in the AFL
grandfinal, won netball and have
cemented a position in the men’s
soccer grandfinal.
Johns even managed to bolster
their sports rep team with the
addition of a first year, George
“Casanova” Mackarness, rumoured
to be quite a hit with ladies
all across campus. After some
forensic Facebook investigating,
however, this writer discovered he
was in fact just a big bloke with
a cheery smile who likes to party.
B&G have given them some
strong competition through finishing
2nd in netball and securing a spot
Interhall Sports Shield
John XXIII - 142 (but still
in Boys Soccer - will finish
either on 158 or 154 points)
B&G - 116 (still playing Boys
and Girls Soccer - will either
finish on 138, 136, 134, 132)
Burgmann - 126
in the girls soccer final. Griffin
also showed promising results this
term after advancing through the
later stages of netball and guys
soccer. Burgmann, who were
tipped to have a strong term,
have somewhat disappointed,
but have succeeded in knocking
Johns domination of the AFL
competition out of the park.
Burgmann’s AFL team rallied to
beat Johns two weekends in a
row, to win a trophy that they
haven’t won for 21 years. A
feat which was quite enjoyable
for one Murray Robertson, who
exclaimed: “this is the happiest
day of my life”. It makes this
writer think that if this is possible,
who knows what will happen in
the Cricket?
Collegians next term have several
competitions to look forward to
such as Swimming, Cricket, Road
Relay, Touch and Volleyball.
Swimming will be making a
Photo courtesy of Wayne Tsai
return to the interhall sports shield
after being voted out of last year’s
competition. Spectators will not
only have men and women in
swimwear to look forward to, but
also a wide variety of novelty
events which are sure to provide
laughs for all involved.
Johns go into term four with
all the pressure on them: will
they choke like the New Zealand
rugby team?
Will anyone run a record time
Ursies - 95 (still in Girls
soccer, will either finish with
121 or 117)
Fenner - 83 (still in Boys
soccer, will finish either on
99 or 95)
UL - 95
Bruce - 74
Toad - 10
Grizzlies Dine on Cow
BRENDAN RUSSELL
WRITER
Photo courtesy of Michelle Hazel
ANU’s Rugby League side,
the Grizzlies, have made it to
the final of the NSW Tertiary
Students Rugby League in just
its second year in the competition
after beating the UC Cows 2014 in the Qualifying Final last
Saturday.
UC ended the regular season
on top of the table, causing UC
academics to search excitedly
through university records to
confirm that this was, in fact,
the first time UC had outranked
anyone at anything ever!
Despite this, the Grizzlies
finished the match well, managing
to fight back and overcome a
14-6 deficit. This was, in part,
thanks to strong performances
from Michael ‘Benney’ Benney in
attack and Ben ‘Gits’ Giteau in
defence. John ‘Gibbo’ Gibson also
made valuable contributions with
his touches of the ball, while Brad
‘B-rad’ McDonnell also did well
getting the boys going forward.
While coach Chris ‘Kenno’
Kennedy
expressed
some
disappointment at the Grizzlies’
continuing inability to think up
more original nicknames, he was
generally happy with the result.
The Grizzlies side is comprised
of a combination of ANU students,
ex-ANU students, UC students
(what?) and bums (Editor’s Note:
Woroni prefers the term ‘Arts
Students’) with nothing better to
do on a Saturday.
The Grizzlies now have a week
off, while the Cows have to travel
to Sydney to play UTS for the
remaining Grand Final spot. The
Grizzlies fully expect to meet
the Cows in the Grand Final at
McCredie Park in Sydney on 10
September. All support welcome.
Our Uni. Our team.
SPORT
AFL
Finals season is here! Topping off the home-and-away
season in domination, Geelong has pummeled a Collingwood team who barely
seemed to turn up to the
match (perhaps they forgot
to report their Centrelink).
There was more fight going
on in the Maggies’ coaching
box than at ground level. Big
bad Barry Hall has closed
out a career in football and
boxing (often combining
the two) with a 5 goal haul
for the Doggies. Much like
star scorer Stephen Milne,
St Kilda came from behind
against the Blues to win by
20. However, now we must
look towards this weekend’s
preliminary finals. Friday
night sees a rejuvenated
Cats take on the Hawks,
while Collingwood will need
to actually get the ball inside 50 from time-to-time
to topple the West Coast
Eagles, who have a few selection issues to sort out.
In the elimination finals, St
Kilda host the Swans who
appear to be peaking as the
finals begin after a solid win
over Brisbane, while Carlton
will need to work against
Essendon on Sunday, with
their
kicking
accuracy
and ruckman in question.
19
The fortnightly punt
with Gus Heslop
Cricket
Rugby Union
World Cup! Australia plays
Italy this Sunday and has
a fairly nice pool, consisting of the USA, Ireland and
Russia. Following its win in
the Tri Nations, the Wallabies are starting to look
decent. However, nothing
can be assured in World
Cup football. Well, except
New Zealand promising
great things and never
delivering, as summed
up by our friend here:
Batting season is back and
Australia has got off to a
good start with a 125 run
win over Sri Lanka in the
first of three test matches.
A great match of debuts,
for Michael Clarke as captain and the two fresh faces of Trent Copeland and
Nathan Lyon. On a gluggy pitch, Sri Lanka failed
to fire in its first innings,
which cost it dearly. Lyon
was particularly impressive, taking 5 wickets for
34 in the first innings. Ricky
‘Punter’ Pointing is rushing back to Oz for the birth
of his child. Not sure if it’s
human or greyhound. Australia has a busy summer
ahead with One Day and
Test Series in South Africa
in October before it takes
on New Zealand and India
at home in December and
January. Oh, and Warnie
is claiming that the reason
he resembles his Madame
Tussauds figure increasingly by the day is due to
the media (as opposed to
himself) touching him up.
Athletics
Finally, how do you know
a Collingwood supporter invented the toothbrush? Had anyone else
done so, it would have
been
a
teethbrush!
Sally Pearson has won the
100m hurdles at the World
Athletic Championships in
South Korea, making her
world champion, in a race
the experts described her
as ‘owning’. She ran a nearrecord time, helped by a
quick start which saw her in
the lead by the first hurdle.
Only four women have ever
run faster than she has. The
Punt was unable to confirm whether she is the first
white chick to run this fast.
Pearson’s win has topped off
an up-and-down meet for
the Australians, with long
jumper Mitchell Watt failing to capitalise as favourite,
discuss thrower Dani Samuels performing badly, highjumper Steve Hooker not actually getting off the ground
and walker Jared Tallent forgetting how to walk. Better
get sorted before London….
Team of the Fortnight
WILL WALTON
SPORTS SUB-EDITOR
1. Geelong Football Club. Now
it is generally understoond that
this particular columnist retains a
healthy level of objectivity... kind
of... notwithstanding: how nice was
it to see the Pies get thumped?
‘Tis enough to warm the cockles
of anyone’s heart. Well perhaps
not a Collingwood supporter’s;
then again, TOTF isn’t entirely
confident in the existence of a
Collingwood supporter’s heart.
Objectively speaking of course.
2. Editors of the Athletics
Championships program. These
fine people are to be commended
for being the architects of one of
the most effective jinxes in recent
sporting memory. In the first four
days of competition all four of
the athletes feature on the cover,
all of whom are already wellaccomplished, suffered an Andy
Murray-esque case of the yips.
TOTF recommends nasal delivery
technology.
3. Sally Pearson. No yips for
Australian
hurdles
machine
Pearson, finally breaking the
much publicised ‘cover curse’.
Well actually, it was apparently
broken by Russian walker Olga
Kaniskina, but TOTF has a few
problems with that. She only
featured on the cover because
hers was the only event of the
day. Her name is particularly
difficult to say (go on, try it, I
dare you), AND this writer isn’t
fully prepared to acknowledge the
definition of competitive walking
as a sport. It’s kind of like how
we say Griffin Hall is a hall/
college...
4.
New
Zealand’s
Legal
Brothels. It’s not only the players
who are preparing frantically
for the upcoming Rugby World
Cup. Reportedly a number of
brothels have doubled their order
of condoms in anticipation of a
groundswell of tourists in search
of some kiwi fruit. According
to local Wellington dominatrix
Mary Brennan the British are
expected to be the most voracious
customers to come a-knocking.
Fear not though, if you think that
www.woroni.com.au
by getting some action you’ll miss
out on the action; most brothels
will be providing world cup TV
coverage in their waiting rooms.
After all, is there a greater turn-on
than a fiercly contested scrum?
5. Calos Tevez. This one is fun.
Having suffered an emotionally
tumultuous off-season, Argentine
striker Tevez eventually forced
himself to check into rehab. Well
may you wonder what his Achilles
heel was: allow me to sate your
curiosity. Food. That’s right, Tevez
shockingly put on 5-6 kilos in
what commentators are describing
as a “binge”. Truly outrageous
stuff. Who says football is an
overly-dramatised sport? Certainly
not this writer.
6. Manchester United. Supporters
of the Red Devils should feel
confident in the financial security
of their club, after officials
reported that, following record
profit levels, their outstanding debt
has dropped by almost 20%! This
leaves the club staring down a
paltry remainder of $700 million
AUD.
7. Collingwood Football Club. If
you didn’t already know it, they
were beaten by Geelong. Quite
convincingly. There isn’t actually
anything further to say about the
game itself, however it sure as
sure brought a smile to my face
being reminded of it. Looks like
they got served a dose of humble
pie... and that’s a wrap.
BACK PAGE
YOU CAN’T
REVIEW THAT!
with JAMIE FREESTONE
Last night’s dream
No doubt open to multiple interpretations, the whole production was enthralling. Although the moral of this story
seemed profound immediately after it finished, the effect wore off through the day
and was already waning as I recounted it
to my housemate over breakfast.
The dream opened with the fairly hackneyed setting of a classroom in my high
school, the director taking the bold choice
to have the protagonist naked. From there
the scene transitions were fluid and the
narrative shifted seamlessly from one location and set of cast members to another.
The set-designer and artistic director deserve credit for producing a fairly faithful
reconstruction of the house I grew up in,
although I don’t recall my home having
one room off the kitchen that becomes
the bedroom of my ex-girlfriend, only
after I follow the boyhood version of my
now adult next-door neighbour inside.
Was this surrealist imagery a comment
on the baseless nature of our morality,
following a century of war and misguided political ideology? Or was it a
consequence of the the reduced information flow between my hippocampus and
neocortex, resulting in illogical linkages
between disparate memories?
The horrifying vignette in which my
teeth fell out, although a bit of a cliche, was genuinely disturbing and the
penultimate scene was an hilarious farce
wherein the car I tried to use wouldn’t
start and I decided instead to run jellylegged to the HSC exam I was missing.
The show ended with a superb, almost
Brechtian device, incorporating a song
from my clock-radio alarm into the narrative of the dream, allowing me some
tantalising moments of lucidity before
waking up.
Most of the characters, however, were
inconsistent or just facile; they were either
morphing avatars representing my own
unresolved family issues or paper-thin,
coquettish versions of women I know and
am now more attracted to as a result.
Other dreams have been far more successful. Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s opium dream produced the virtuosic poem,
“Kubla Khan”; Salvadore Dali’s yielded a
whole new art movement; Jung’s dreams
contained a veritable tarot deck of archetypal figures of cosmic significance;
and St John’s cycle of prophetic dreams
included God as a main character and
foretold the apocalypse. In comparison,
my exiguous narrative of minutiae from
my daily life and petty, unresolved sexual
desires seems somewhat banal.
More successful than Martin Luther
King Jr’s dream.
with Farzaneh Edraki
WORONI PRESENTS
CONGRATULATIONS
THE BACK PAGE INVITATIONAL
Xie Pei Shi, who was the winner of last
week’s Invitational.
Send answers to any of these to [email protected]; the answer we judge to be the
best will receive two movie tickets. All answers will be published online at
www.woroni.com.au
SLOGANEERING
MOBY DICK
KNOW YOUR CAMPUS
This photo has been taken somewhere on
campus. If you know where, be the first
reader to e-mail Woroni your answer and win
nothing.
Dick Cheney recently
released a memoir called
In My Time. Can you think
of a more interesting
title?
The University of Canberra’s
slogan is: “Australia’s Capital
University”. Come up with a
more fitting label.
ASK A CELEBRITY
Dear Dr. Dre,
I’m in love. Head-over-heels,
blind, punch drunk love. We’ve
only been dating for a week, but,
oh, what a week it’s been: picnics
in Garema Place, late-night phone
calls (‘you hang up… no, you.’),
merry skipping along Daley Rd.
There’s just one problem.
She is from South Canberra.
As a veteran Northside resident,
I’m just not sure I can make this
work in the long term. Already,
it’s affecting our relationship –
she shops at Manuka, I shop at
Dickson; she likes the flagrant
wealth of Inner South living, I
prefer the ramshackle share houses
of the Inner North. Lake Burley
Griffin stands as an immutable
barrier between us. Doc, what’s a
proud suburban boy to do?
Regards,
Gary, O’Connor
Dear G-pain (Can I call you
G-Pain? I’m callin’ you G-Pain),
Are you fo real? Son. Seriously.
Stop making a motherfucking
mountain out of a motherfucking
mole hill. Listen up to the Doc.
You need a healthy dose of “man
the fuck up”. Appreciate the woman
you got, cos real soon she’s gonna
wise up to the fact that she’s dating
a pussy and leave yo ass.
Peace out.
Dr. Dre
Name: Irene
Age: 9 days
Interests: destruction,
landfall, the Coriolis effect.
Looking for: smart, fun,
easy going guy to settle
down with. Must like it
rough. Will blow you away.
R E A L I S T I C R O M A N C E : I N T E R N AT I O N A L P O L I T I C S
The Colonel & the Sexytary of State
After the fall of Muammar Gaddafi,
documents revealing his infatuation with
former US Secretary of State Condoleeza
Rice were found. Here we present an
exclusive extract...
[...] Condoleeza felt all warm. Perhaps
it was the murderously hot breath of the
Libyan sun streaming through the palace
windows.
Perhaps it was the battle raging outside
the compound where she lay in complete
post-coital bliss.
Or perhaps it was bodily heat of her
swarthy lover Muammar radiating across
the bed towards her. Yes, she thought on
reflection. That’s probably it.
“’Leeza, “ he said, swarthily, “’Leeza, I
want to make love to you again!”
“Muammar,” she said in Russian and
French simultaneously, since she was fluent
in both languages and also a stunning
concert pianist, “Muammar, I must return
to the State Department! But before I go,
please make love to me one last time!”
TOM WESTLAND
His swarthy eyes lit up as though by
celebratory gunfire from smuggled Soviet
weaponry..
Condoleeza climbed on top of her swarthy
Libyan lover and delicately removed his
pants.
“May I inspect your weaponry?” she said
with a glint in her eye.
He entered her with the force of a
Tomahawk missile landing accidentally on
a civilian target.
For Condoleeza, this was the greatest
moment of her life, even better than the
erotic massage she’d received from Kim
Jong Il.
With one great, last guttural battle cry, the
swarthy Libyan dictator’s payload was spent.
“‘Leeza, darling,” he cooed, as only a
dictator can, “will you lift your sanction and
allow me to kiss you upon your lips?”
She had given her body to Muammar
completely, it was true. But could she
surrender herself completely to a Third
World despot? What would the Security
Council say? [...]
20