abroad! - Brandeis Users` Home Pages

Special Blowfish Abroad PAGE A
ABROAD!
Being the world-renowned institution that is The Blowfish, one would think that the staff of this newspaper would know a thing or two about the world. One would be incorrect - until now! The writers at The
Blowfish recently decided to splurge on a little thing that we like to call an “atlas,” and man, has it opened
our eyes to new things. Have you heard of this thing called paper? It’s pulpy and made from a thing called
“wood” which comes from a thing called “trees,” which are apparently what will cure all the ailments of
the world.
In the span of a 48 hour period of time, we here at The Blowfish have vicariously absorbed all the knowledge of every country in the world through reading the charts and graphs of the entire atlas, front to
back, back to front, upside down to downside up, and then online. Now, seeing as you - the reader - have
come to us - The Blowfish - for all your information needs, we’ve decided what international points of
knowledge to spread to those who need it. And, seeing as we are your primary source of information,
you would probably not know what a “passport,” “airplane,” or “foreign country” is without us. So, without further ado, here is The Blowfish guide to being abroad!
Special Blowfish Abroad PAGE B
Another Waste of Time.
Slice of Apple
Pie
BY JOHN Q. PENGUIN
American
You know, I wasn’t always the suave, worldly, well read, handsome, strong, prolific, svelte son of a bitch that I am today. As surprising as it may seem, when I first stepped foot onto the pristine,
work in progress campus of Brandeis University, I was just another
naive young college student. Well, maybe not just “another” naive
young college student. I certainly wasn’t as naive as my roommate, Al Finger. I knew he was a dope the moment I saw him. The
day we moved in, I told him that I had a condition where I had to
say the word, “Ramrod” every fifteen minutes or else I pee myself.
From then on, I was free to say things like, “Let’s go and ramrod”
and “I’d sure like to ramrod that bitch” in front of his parents. That
dumbass actually believed me until the day he graduated, when I
told him it was all a lie.
When you’re a freshman, lots of things confuse you: what clubs
to join, where to hang out, what the fuck a Brandeis Monday is.
People throw flyers and condoms at you, and sometimes you actually use them.
Back then, I read every flyer I saw, and I went to every event
on campus. I was busy finding my identity. And that’s how I got
messed up in the “Study Abroad” crowd. Yes, that’s right. For one
semester, I studied at a different college. In a different country.
What a fool I was! If only I realized how cool I’d be in six short
years.
If I knew then everything that I know now, I wouldn’t have
done then what I did do, and I would now do things that I didn’t
know I could do then, but I actually can do because I’ve done them
(now).
I signed up to study abroad for one semester.
So they shipped my ass to Antarctica. It actually wasn’t that
bad. At first. I only had to take three classes, with the compromise
that I spent the extra time not freezing to death. I made a lot of
great friends. At night we would sneak out to the big glaciers and
throw penguins at cars that would drive by. Sometimes I wished
those nights would never end, laying on a glacier floating out into
the sea, cuddling with someone special. Of course, we had to be
back in our dorms by 1 AM, before the polar bears would start
their rounds.
I was only there for half a semester, before I got fed up. I mean,
I loved being a track star there, but I hated the freezing cold when
I went running in my short shorts.
According to study abroad rules and regulations, if you transfer
in the middle of the semester, you can’t return to your home country, so you have to find another bogus, foreign country to go to. I
chose one the only way I knew how: listing them all alphabetically
and choosing the first one (after Antarctica).
So Austria-Hungary it was. Unfortunately, I was informed that
Austria-Hungary no longer exists, so I just had to rough it out for
the remaining time.
After one long semester abroad, I returned to Brandeis a different person. No longer naive and lost, but angry, confused, bitter
and pissed. I had wasted one semester of college, and I knew then
that I couldn’t let my remaining decade just slip away.
AUSTRALIA
Study Abroad Student Disturbed By
Lack of Cliches
When Benjamin Johnston ’09 left for Melbourne, Australia earlier this semester, he
expected big things. “I mean, traveling half-way across the world...you expect something
big,” said Johnston. Unfortunately, like most Americans, Johnston’s perception of Australia was limited to the spoon-fed morsels of Australian culture seen on television, in
movies, and during the Australian Pop Music boom of the late 90’s. “My first reaction
after getting off of the plane was ‘What the fuck? Where are all the kangaroos?’” After
further research, Johnston came to the conclusion, much to his horror, that Australia is
not made out of Sydney Opera Houses and Outback Steakhouses, but plain old wood
houses, just like America and, of course, lots of outback steakhouses.
Yes, it seems like an entire continent has been marginalized to a number of cliches
wildly held by most Americans, who still won’t believe The Blowfish when we tell them
that not every Australian says ‘mate,’ Tasmanian devils are rarely outsmarted by rabbits and “Land Down Under” is not the country’s national anthem...yet. Unfortunately,
Johnston is not the only student to be disappointed by his trip. Thousands of misinformed
students flock every year to Australia in the hopes of seeing Cate Blanchett and Kylie
Minogue, who they assume is what every Australian looks like. Of course, these people
are silly, since we all know that everyone in Australia looks like Crocodile Dundee.
Of course, Johnston ignored Australia’s vast history and culture. Australia is located
in Oceania, the area that was either at war or allied with Eurasia, depending on which
chapter of 1984 you are on. The country was established after the British decided to
dump all of their prisoners on the island in an event that many call “the father of reality
TV”. There, they experienced extreme conditions as they constantly struggled to survive.
Fortunately for them, Steve Irwin came to the rescue and saved them from wild koalas
and kangaroos and helped establish a working society. While Irwin was eventually killed
by a stingray, many believe that he rose from the grave three days later and will return to
this world when we become good people, which apparently can be achieved though large
quantities of Vegemite.
Despite having to come to terms with the true Australia, Johnston still has no regrets.
Sure, he still wakes
up every morning,
expecting to see a
pack of koala bears
being as adorable as
ever, instead of the
garbage filled alley he usually sees.
Because in the end,
what’s
important
was the experience
of seeing Australia
for what it really is.
Not a place where
everyone wrestles
with animals while
yelling “crickey!”,
but a place filled with
a rich culture. One
that also happens to
look like Crocodile
Dundee.
Johnston’s expectations of Australia were largely shaped by
the thriving “Little Australia” a few neighborhoods down.
ANTARCTICA
Antarctican History
0: God creates the world, but runs out of warmth, sunshine, grass, and overall happiness
before he finishes. The result is Antarctica.
September 17, 1480: The earliest known sighting of Antarctica by a Dutch explorer, who
thereafter realizes he should have turned left at the Cape of Good Hope to reach the edge
of the earth.
July 4, 1776: French explorer Jacque Russo becomes the first man to step foot on Antarctica. He is sure that this date will be remembered for his amazing accomplishment,
confident that there is nothing else going on that could possibly be as important as this
magnificent event.
December 10, 1863: Antarctica’s penguins, siding with the Union during the Civil War,
defeat Colonel Jebidiah “Stonewall” McFlipper and his ragtag army of Confederate seals
at the Battle of Icy Point. Many call this either the turning point of the war or a waste of
potential food that devastated the delicate Antarctic eco-system for years to come.
April 23, 1940: Hitler launches the lesser known “Little Blitzkrieg” against Antarctica,
committing an army of twelve soldiers and a tank with the task of conquering the continent for the master race. Penguin resistance fighters hide refugees in their birth pouches,
adorably.
June 11, 1947: Albert Einstein and Abe Sachar investigate Antarctica as a potential loca-
tion for the creation of a new Jewish-sponsored nonsectarian university, but
get a little chilly and go with their second choice location in Waltham.
January 9, 1953: Superman sets up his Fortress of Solitude in Antarctica,
only to realize that his attempt to stay hidden within a white backdrop never
works well when you wear red spandex.
April 28, 1994: I only get a B on my 3rd Grade report on Antarctica, apparently because I “spent too much time on the topic of polar bears eating
people.” Fuck you, Mrs. Mohnaghan.
December 22, 2002: A massive PETA protest against the baby seal clubbing takes place. Realizing their error, the hunters decide to club PETA
protesters instead.
March 7, 2005: The continent is invaded by a large force of cameramen,
led by Morgan Freeman, who uses his narration powers to conquer the icy
plains and make $100 million domestic in the process.
Present day: Massive amounts of polar bears leaving Antarctica on meltedoff ice-rafts create illegal bear immigration problem in Chile.
Tomorrow: Scores of annoyed readers, who assume they’re smarter than
we are, tell us that polar bears don’t live in Antarctica.
October 9, 2167: Antarctica? Oh, you mean the great Southern Ocean.
Special Blowfish Abroad PAGE C
CHINA Chinese Pollution Threatens Olympics
The growing pollution crisis in China has recently reached its peak, as all of downtown
Beijing has fallen victim to what many call, “a real life version of The Mist, except with flesh
eating leukemia instead of flesh eating monsters.” Abhorrent amounts of pollution have raised
serious concerns, both from foreign nations - who worry about the health of their athletes in
the upcoming Olympics - and the Chinese themselves, who would love to be able to watch the
games without the use of bio-hazard suits.
China, home to over one billion people, did not mind the pollution at first. “Sure, removing
the bones of what I hope was a fish from my drinking water can get annoying,” said one citizen,
“but it beats having live fish in my drinking water. Thanks to pollution, I know that the only
swimming organisms alive in me are in my loins.” Yet despite the lack of harmful organisms,
recent tests conducted by All Scientists Think Humanely, Meanly, and Altruistically (otherwise
known as ASTHMA) have shown a unusually high rates of chloride, lead, sulfur, and poison
in the drinking water, while the air quality is “piss poor,” with nitrogen oxides, sulfur oxides,
traces of piss, and often entire lumps of coal floating around the atmosphere.
How did China get to this nadir of pollution? Historians date it back to the Opium Wars,
where the country’s air was filled with waves of smoke, which emanated from local opium dens
and whore houses. Following the Opium Wars, China was forced to industrialize in order to
supply Great Britain with the exorbitant amount of opium and whores that its oppressed lower
classes demanded. Once China industrialized it led to a growing automobile, aerosol, and lackof-breathing sector - the problems started to become apparent. “China was once the nation that
produced sunshine, puppies, happiness, and General Yum Yum’s chicken,” remarked Brandeis
University’s top history professor on China, Michael Axe Hunter. “After 1980, the smog began
to battle the sunshine for its piece of the pie, the factories began to use puppies for fuel and
happiness for cheap labor, and General Yum Yum changed his name to General Tso. I guess
you could say nothing really changed, because the chicken is still delicious. That is, everything
aside from the chicken, that all changed.”
As the Olympic Games are months away, the international community is more and more
worried to unveil the dearth and depression of the Chinese environment. “We really screwed
up big time,” said a paranoid United States, “I mean, first, we lost their domino to Communism.
Then, our businesses exported their factories to China. Now, their environment is worse than
ours! Actually, on second thought, we may come off looking good for once. Hooray pollution!”
Hooray pollution indeed.
Photo Poll:
WHICH CANDIDATE ARE YOU VOTING FOR?
“Wen Jiabao.”
-Stephanie Chen
“Wen Jiabao.”
- Jason Tsai
“Wen Jiabao.”
- Stan Li
“Wen Jiabao.”
- Wen Jiabao
UNITED KINGDOM
Londoners Terrorized
by Mysterious “Ben”
English residents everywhere were baffled upon
hearing reports that their beloved Big Ben was arrested last evening. “I just don’t understand,” said
Emma Eggleston, as tears poured down her face
like the April rains of the Scottish highlands and
spilled into her warm cup of English Breakfast,
sending ripples across her reflection. “It’s bollocks I say! Bollocks!” Eggleston then politely
excused herself to the “loo,” which the Blowfish
later learned was some sort of two-person sled.
Early reports from the Parliamentary constables
indicate that the infamous street urchin and notorious vagabond Big Ben was involved in some
“illegal” street activity. The Blowfish has finally
discovered the true meaning behind the name “Big
Ben,” and let us tell you, it has nothing to do with
a time-face. Head constable Matthew Douglass
announced at a press conference at Scotland Yard
that, “at approximately 2:30 am, at least according
to Mr ‘Ben’ himself, the suspect was seen cavorting with the local wenches. Our constables were
tipped off when Ben’s bells began to ring at an
unusual time of night.”
The Blowfish decided to investigate the incident, tracking down one of the constables who had
arrested Big Ben. “I noticed something was wrong
when the bells began to climax at an odd time,”
noted junior constable Timmy C. Rier. “Instead
of every hour on the hour, it began to happen for
five minute intervals and the ringing lasted for fifteen seconds. And there I stood, fixing my pocket
watch like a bumbling town idiot before I the idea
popped into me’ nogger that something might be
wrong with Ben.”
Something was wrong indeed. “S’not like it
doesn’t happen to everyone,” shouted local call
girl Lydia O’Toolihan while being dragged away
in handcuffs. “’Twas his ferst time, and he was a
wee bit nervous. We’re not all built like a Swiss
clocks, am I right mates?”
As the U.K.’s tried and true colours have become prematurely spoilt, one must wonder what
the next preposterous event to unseat our British
friends’ sense of humility will be. Northern Ireland attempting to forge its own union? Divorces
abound in Buckingham palace? Oasis? Only time
will tell.
A Guide to Tourism in the World’s
Priciest City
The U.K. is home to hundreds fabulous tourist locations, ranging from Big Ben to that place where David Beckham was seen taking a piss. But where to begin?
British Museum- England was once the finest country in the world, with an empire that could rival that of Mars.
Come here to see all the shit the British stole from the other countries before America invented independence.
Tate Modern- The second most visited attraction throughout the entire United Kingdom is a renovated, semiempty factory. Take a visit and ponder that fact while blankly staring at “real” artwork. If you don’t get it, it’s
because you’re not cultured enough.
The London Eye- Spend the same amount of money on dinner and a movie for a solid year riding a gigantic
ferris wheel looking over the river Thames. Be sure to get there during the fifteen minute interval when you can
see some sunlight! At night, it becomes a fiery lidless eye that sees all and commands an army of Orcs.
Buckingham Palace- There’s nothing quite like spending all your life savings and your grandparents’ mortgage
to get to the world’s most expensive city - London. So, to celebrate your new-found poverty, consider taking a
trip from your shitty hostel to the grandest palace of them all, the palace of Buckingham. Perhaps you may get
the chance to see the changing of the guard, where the palace guards disrobe in their quarters, giving you the
perfect opportunity to snatch one of those funny looking hats and sell it on craigslist for a ticket back home. Who
knows, maybe the Queen herself will slightly twist her wrist in your direction.
Oxford University- Remember how pissed you were when you didn’t get into Columbia or Stanford? Well,
don’t feel too bad, because even those smarties that beat you out still wouldn’t have a chance to get into Oxford,
arguably the smartest University in the world. To get in, you must be in Mensa, have a 5.0 GPA, and have invented the SAT. In addition, you must also already have graduated from Oxford. Anything less is laughed upon.
Those who actually get accepted are sworn to secrecy, though rumors constantly surface of a futuristic utopia
inside, filled with flying cars, talking robots, and Oompa Loompas. Its a British thing.
Stonehenge- Anthropologists, sociologists, and other academics who graduated college with fake degrees currently theorize that Stonehenge was once a calendar, with each rock represented a month and featuring a cave
painting of a woman from the Sports Illustrated 2034 BC Loincloth Edition. Sadly, these drawings have faded
over time. Historians have wondered for years how this group of rocks came to be arranged in the middle of a
field in Nowhere, England (Salisbury changed its name to “Nowhere” during the Thatcher era). Yet how convenient that theses same historians have never wondered how rocks across the world have come to be? I think the
lesson here is that historians aren’t scientists.
Liverpool- Ever wonder what Disneyworld would be like if it was like the Beatles? Shitty and cold, that’s what.
Also, avoid the swimming pool. It’s full of livers.
Scotland- Everyone wears kilts... on the exciting historical tours you can take through Edinburgh’s Royal Mile!
Also, the country is filled with Junkies who have supreme command of the force, and an Iggy Pop soundtrack
follows you wherever you go.
Northern Ireland- It’s like the rest Ireland, but with more guns and less Catholics. But hey, it also less Bonos.
Why Not Try...
France
Special Blowfish Abroad PAGE D
While many are quick to make fun of France as a country that easily surrenders, as seen
in World War I and its popular sequels World War II and World War with a Vengeance,
ignoring many of France’s other victories would be down right negligent on our part. Or as
the French would say, it would be down right negligent on your part. Here are some (read:
all) of the victorious French wars:
Crimean War: In what many sources, namely Wikipedia, call the first “modern conflict”,
the French, along with their British allies, roundly defeated Russia in an extremely important war. In fact, the war was so important, that most people don’t even know what it was
about. Most accounts, however, reference the tragic events of the 1852 All World’s Fair
of European Powers in which a Russian noble offended the French delegation by insisting
that Jerry Lewis is nothing more than a cheap slapstick comic.
Pastry War: Yes, this is a real war. France, unhappy with the treatment of one of it’s pastry cooks in Mexico, declared war on the entire country and won. No joke required.
French Revolution: Since France was technically at war with itself, France was able to
walk away with a victory. In a truly spectacular battle, thousands of Frenchmen attacked
another group of Frenchmen, which ended up being a complete victory for the French,
and a huge loss for the French, as well a major victory for Germany somehow. In the end,
France conceded defeat to France, as France celebrated the victory over their vicious enemies, the French. Yes, the French Revolution will go down as one of the greatest military
victories for France, and one of the bloodiest, shameful defeats for France both of which
would last up through the third De Gaulle administration.
American Revolution: While many credit George Washington for the unlikely American victory over the British, it was the only with the support of General Lafayette, the
famous French general, that the Americans won. Lafayette, feeling sympathetic for the
plight of the Americans, committed thousands of dollars and hundreds of wine and cheese
hor d’ourves. After the Americans won, the French were happy to go back to hating us, a
tradition that continues to this day.
During World War II, back when we didn’t like them, Japan revealed their
secret weapon to an unsuspecting world: a boy robot, with seven unique powers
and 100,000 horsepower. They named him Astro Boy, but he ultimately proved
disadvantageous to the Japanese military. When the atomic bombs fell, he was
busy learning about what feelings were and trying to be a real boy. After the war,
Japan’s economy was poor, mostly due to the difficulty of establishing any kind
of long-lasting business when your buildings are constantly being crushed by giant men in foam dinosaur suits.
Japan
Japan’s economy saw a huge burst during the 1980s. While America companies were fascinated with a tiny ball bouncing off of two rectangles, Japanese
companies were busy developing actual video games. By the end of the decade
Japanese videogame artists had developed software featuring an ape throwing
some barrels and circle-man eating some smaller circles. Within ten years, the
Japanese had developed every video game worth developing. But they continued
to develop new and better games anyway, just to spread joy and happiness, and to
provide future Brandeis students with their only childhood friends. And to entrap
America’s youth in the thrall of the glowing television screen and joystick.
Politics in the 1990s were controlled mostly by various warring sects of Pokemons and robots that, though possessing separate individual powers, were able to
interlock and develop into one larger super robot. Currently, President Megazord
is presiding over the largest period of economic growth in Japan’s history.
Russia
Russia, which for years was feared as one of the most powerful countries
in the world, due largely to an enormous nuclear arsenal, is now feared for its
state of constant economic turmoil that could throw the entire world economy
off balance, as well as its enormous arsenal of tall, blond boxers who Rocky’s
really, really going to have to train hard to beat. In former years, Russia was
known for its strong literary history, including writers like Gogol,Dostoevsky
, and Mickey Spillane. Russia was one of the last countries in Europe to drop
the feudal system, which accounts for the generally downtrodden state of the
peasants... scratch that, comrades... scratch that, citizens... yes, citizens. After a
revolution or two, the Russians found themselves in a firmly Communist society
that incorporated many other republics under the title of the USSR, orCCCP
to the illiterate. After only six decades of authoritarian rule, however, Russia
suddenly decided to drop Marxism without warning, effectively breaking up
the USSR. Fans have since only been able to speculate as to the future of the
group. While some say Russia’s solo work with new front-man Vladamir Putin
is just as good as the old stuff, most purists still long for a true reunion, bringing
together classic members like Josef Stalin, Mikhail Gorbachev, and of course,
David Lee Roth.
Canada should not be included in our section on “countries”. Ask any
Canadian about his home, and if you can stop laughing at his perverted
“English” long enough to hear what he is trying to say, you will probably hear some heretic story about free health care, economic prosperity,
legal marijuana, gay marriage, and an alarming lack of violence. Clearly,
every Canadian is a liar. Canada is just not a real place. Look it up in the
Encyclopedia Britannica (under ‘c’): “Canada is... not... [a...real]...country...cervix.” Canada does not even have a US Constitution or a President
Bush. I could go on forever about this, but I will limit myself to ten complaints, as follows.
From: America
To: Canada
Subject: Airing of Grievances
1. You’re a bunch of
2. Pot-smoking
3. Draft-dodging
4. Moose-riding
5. Moose-loving
6. Moose-eating
7. Lying
8. Pot-smoking
9. Draft-dodging
10. Hippies
Canada