Sex, Love and Other Stuff - Domestic Violence Resource Centre

SO WHAT IS A
RELATIONSHIP?
Relationships come in all different shapes
and sizes. They can last a night, a few
months or years. They can be serious,
about falling in love, or just about hanging
out and having fun. Relationships can be
anything from a casual hookup to a long
term, exclusive partnership.
It can be hard knowing where things are at when you get
into a relationship. Knowing what you want is a good way
to start – but you have to know what the other person
wants too. It’s good to think about how your wants and
their wants fit together.
ASK YOURSELF: Is this really what they want, or are they
just doing it for me?
Talking openly and honestly with the other
person about what you want is a great way
to make sure you have a good relationship –
and good sex, if that’s what you both want.
Having respect for yourself, thinking about
what you want and like, and also having
respect for the other person, understanding
what they want and like, is the best way to
make sure that both of you enjoy yourselves.
This booklet was
written with the help
of young men, who
told us what guys
might want to know
about relationships
and about sex.
Boyfriend
Girlfriend
Picking Up
Casual
Friends With Benefits
Going Out
Couples
Being Exclusive
Getting Together
One Night Stand
u
o
y
e
r
a
t
a
h
W
looking for?
Most guys and
girls say they e
want someon
who…
You can
respect and
who respects
you
Is trustworthy
and honest
(and who you
can be honest
with)
ings with
You can share th
nds that
ta
rs
and who unde
‘give
ed
ne
relationships
and take’
You can talk
about (almost)
anything with
I like people
be in a re who you can
lationship
and talk an
with
You should d be honest.
have the feel that you
what you right to say
how you fewant and
you need t el – speak, not o both just one.
Simone
I want someone who
doesn’t have to rely
only on me…someone
who wants me to
have my own mates,
my own life – where
we trust each other.
Ari
Likes similar
things
Having respect in relationships
is one of the most important
things for guys
and girls. But
what does respect actually
look like in a
relationship?
You want to
hang out with
but who also
likes doing
stuff alone or
n you
How ca yourself
with mates
t
c
e
p
res
he
Lets you be yourself
t
spect
and re rson too?
e
p
other
ne
out ni ive
Check
s to g
y
a
w
y
eas
ect
t resp
and ge ext page.
n
on the
Give it to get it
Give and get respect
1 Be open and honest
–
in your head (and he talk what’s going on art)
2 Be curious, ask abou
t
and respect the differ their differences – ences between you
3 Listen to each other
4 Ask - don’t assume
that you know what the
y are thinking or how
they’re feeling
5 Trust your feelings an
d your gut
6 Take time to think ab
out why you’re acting
a certain way – and
how this might impact on others
7 Make time to do thing
s
without the other perso
n
8 Admit your mistake
s–
and plan different wa we all make them – ys to behave next time
9 Remember what’s im
po
person (and ask if yo rtant to the other
u don’t know)
Does this stuff happen
in your relationship? Take a look at http://loveg
oodbadugly.com/ to find
out more.
e you like?
Stuck on how to talk to someon
even if it doesn’t show.
Hey, everyone gets nervous –
e know you like them
The best way of letting someon
whistling at them. isn’t by teasing them or wolf
y’re a mate.
Just talk to the person as if the
(And remember, this works for
texts and online conversations
too)
When we talk or
see if you like similar things
hang out I get th
• Find out what they like and
is
at her
ov
teac
a
erwhelming feeling...
of
k
thin
they
t
• Ask them a question – wha
We sometimes just
the weekend
school or what they did on
up
sit
gro
ller
in the hallways
sma
a
in
or
e
alon
’re
they
n
whe
them
h
• Try to catc
and talk and it’s
like
to talk to them and what you
• Think about why you want
ins
tant connection.
n
atio
vers
want to get out of the con
Kamal
finish the conversation
• Know how you’re going to
uncomfortable, back off • If you get the feeling they’re
them another time
and think about talking to
– ces or embarrassed giggling
• It’s normal to have some silen
like you!
it doesn’t mean they don’t
ally want
really respect them and actu
Remember, if they feel like you
hang out with you.
to talk to them, they’ll want to
Respect Checklist
Respect – you gotta give it to get it.
d out to fin
s quiz
ectful
Do thi
g resp
n
i
e
b
re
’
u
.
o
p
y
i
h
if
tions
r rela
in you
are
s
e
c
n
te
ite sen
The w h
pect.
s
e
r
f
o
ome of
signs
cked s
’ve ti
then
,
s
e
c
If you
n
nte
ack se
ok in
the bl
not be
might
.
p
things
i
nsh
elatio
your r
ck the ba
ok at
n o
l
a
rmatio
o
f
Take
n
i
e
or mor
page f
port.
or sup
I sometimes snoop and look at my GF/BF’s texts or through their stuff
I worry that my GF/BF is cheating on me
We’re both free to spend time with our own friends sometimes
I care about what my GF/BF thinks and feels
When we go out, I mostly decide what we’re doing
With sex and kissing/touching, we can both say what we like and don’t like
I wish we didn’t see so much of each other
When we’re together, I feel like I can be myself
I laugh and have fun when I’m with my GF/BF
I hate it when my GF/BF talks to other guys/girls
I GET ANGRY OR UPSET WHEN MY GF/BF DISAGREES WITH ME
I respect the choice of my GF/BF when they say ‘no’ to something they don’t want to do
I get mad when my GF/BF says no to sex and kissing/touching
l? think
o
r
t
n
o
c
or d control do youthan e
v
o
l
t
n
Is i
? More
ower a
d
nship
uch p
How m in your relatio Does it depen
?
e
s
are?
you hav person or les
re you
e
h
r
w
e
r
h
t
o
the o
doing
er
the oth
you’re
t
a
h
w
treating to feel d
n
on
a
lf
rse
ing
oth go
er.
ing you
respect , then you’re b d sort of pow
e
r
a
u
o
t
o
c
e
g
If yo
p
e
s
with re
trol – th
f
person ave equal con
d sort o r
h
u
o
-so-goo
t
like yo
s
o
u
n
lo
e
a
h
eing je
trol (t
b
n
o
is
c
. e
e
f
n
o
im
eo
r sort
all the t
en som
Anothe
ens wh
e doing others what
p
’r
u
p
a
o
y
h
t
)
wha
power
ple tell
r yell to know
en peo
down o
m
e
wanting o happens wh
h
t
t
ntly pu
l als
Contro en they consta
h
w
to do,
g .
essurin
e, or pr ’t want
at them
iv
s
s
e
r
g
g
on
gry or a ething they d rol t
eally an
Being r into doing som f trying to con
o
e
n
s
o
le
e
som
examp
re also
to do a else.
e
someon
If you think your
relationship might be like this, ASK YOURSELF:
How would I feel if my
mates and family heard me say this or saw me
doing this? If I saw myself
doing/saying this in a
movie, would I be ok with it?
My guy
is
kindest, m the
boy I hav ost caring
e
He respect ever met.
what’s in s me for
never pre side and he
s
into anyt sures me
always p hing – he
u
on my fa ts a smile
ce. (Fatim
a)
He was so nice to
me at first and
then the jealousy
started. He would
accuse me of
cheating all the
time. In the end, I
stopped going out
to avoid the fights
and the jealousy.
(Allie)
Men, blokes, boys and guys
TV, magazines, family
and mates, pop
culture, sporting clubs,
adults in your life,
newspapers, ads and
porn say that guys and
girls are a certain way.
But being a guy in real
life isn’t as simple as
pop culture tells you
or other people say –
real life is something
totally different!
If this was a
picture of you,
what would
t he different
parts look like?
What o
r
who
influenc
who yo es
are and u you act how
?
Are you
a
diffe ren
t guy
in differ
ent
situation
s?
hard
What’s ing e
b
t
abou
or
f
y
u
ag
you?
Mr
Real
emotionally
nt to be physically strong and
TRUE or FALSE? Guys are mea
sex.
for
out
ays
alw
and
–
ly
man
tough, powerful, aggressive and
sweet and nice –
nt to be attractive, gentle or
TRUE or FALSE? Girls are mea
s.
and always out to please guy
you connect with
Being a male is about all the things
’t like , what you do,
being a guy – what you like and don
tes or family expect
your personality and what your ma
from you.
tough, funny, blokey It’s hard to always be anything –
mates, from pop
or nice. And feeling pressure from
tain way can
culture or your family to act a cer
t aren’t healthy – sometimes mean you do things tha
for you or for someone else.
differences is a sign Respecting yourself and liking your
with – and that re
that you’ll respect the person you’
too.
them
t
abou
rent
you’ll like what’s diffe
to
ants
w
he
dI
Nowt me an gonna
figh s I’m else
gues to or ryone
have t’ll eve e?
wha k of m
thin
ed
Ahm
The thing is, it’s hard
to get girls to go out
with you, so when I
started going out with
this one girl and she
wanted to have sex, I
thought I had to or
everyone would think
I was gay.
Chris
FACT:
y or Being a gu
s
a girl mean
t n
re
diffe
things to
people
.
everywhere
sex?
e
v
a
h
o
od.
feel go
s it ok t
When i
ou both
make y
r legs –
een you
tw
e
o
b
d
s
r
t’
t wha
e sex o
rt).
st abou
Sex is
can hav
ody pa
sex is ju
at. You
other b
k
th
y
in
n
n
a
a
th
g–
r
th
le
in
(o
k
p
it
t
o
in
e
e
to
fe
th
p
,
Most
ching,
u
ch more hands, mouth
u
to
,
m
g
’s
re
lkin
ur
but the
u on – ta
sing yo
things u g that turns yo
i,
sexual
in
aight, b
y, anyth
ey’re str
.
th
Basicall
x
r
e
e
s
f
th
part o
ls, whe
can be
and gir
to guys
ly
p
p
a
ws
ted.
ria?
These la me-sex attrac
ho in Victo
eone w
r sa
o
s
n
ot som
a
ave sex
n
tr
h
t
u
to
b
(
e
e
ve to b
h anyon
years
do I ha
sex wit
lendar
How old You can have
hin 2 ca
)
it
u
w
o
y
e
=
n
r
fo
omeo
Over 16
caring
e
x with s
t to be
an’t hav
have se
n
a
is mean
c
u
d you c
o
n
Y
a
=
–
u
16
e
g
Under
with yo
f your a
ave sex
nths) o
y can h
(24 mo
d
t to)
o
n
b
a
o
=N
you w
ely
Under 12 yone (even if
they fre
h an
?
eone if
e
w
m
m
sex wit
la
o
u
s
s
e
s
h
x wit
inst th
can’t a
have se
sex aga
ble
ans you
ly
a
is
e
n
rt
o
n
m
e
fo
t
n
h
a
n
m
W
uc
el co
reeme
says yo
ave to fe
Free ag
The law
t) to it.
- they h
n
x
e
e
s
s
n
g
o
vin
agree (c
with ha
e is ok
or no.
–
s
someon
e
y
to say
or high
, stoned
and safe
k
n
ru
:
d
ey’re
law to
when th ening
inst the
It’s aga
meone
p
o
p
s
a
h
h
it
s
e) sex w
what’
ual stuff
eone els
• Have
y know
ing sex
ll
o
a
d
re
to
or som
’t
n
in
s
o
e
e
d
n
lv
e
o
d
s
e
n
a
k som
r them
e or tric
fraid (fo
nd • Forc
e too a
n
o
e
understa
m
so
’t really
n
s
e
• Make o
o
d
e who
to say n
omeon
u’ve
x with s
e
en if yo
s
e
v
a
g
me…ev
ti
in
• H
n
y
e
n
p
a
hap
o at
what’s
or say n
ng sex
ti
n
.
a
re
w
fo
stop
n be
You can ith that perso
w
x
e
s
d
a
h
to b
meant
nd to
e fun a
Let’s talk
about sex
Why both
er asking?
You know
they wan
t to… or d
The reason
o you?
people as
k for con
sure that
sent isn’t
Talking abo both people are ok
on
with wha ly to make
ut what
t
do before
you have you both do and do ’s happening.
sex is th
n’t want
you have
e
fun and
both enjo best way to mak to
y sex.
e sure
Aw
kward mu
ch?
If life wa
s
before you perfect, you’d be ok
doesn’t alw get too turned on to talk about sex
– but of
try to su ays happen. If you
co
ss out w
feel awkw urse that
hether you
to have s
a
rd, you ca
ex by ask
’r
ing thing e actually both re n
- Is this
s
ady like:
ok with
you?
- Do you
like this?
- Do you
want me
to keep g
- What
oing?
do you w
ant/like?
“I say ‘w
or ‘do y hat do you wan
ou feel
t
comfort to do’ sort of
believe in
a
thing
b
le?’ cau
p
r
e
ssure
complet
ely stop , like if a girl s se I don’t
aid no I
– that’s
Blake
’d
me.”
Keep chec
kin
a “yes” w g that what you
h
’r
to anyth en you start kiss e doing is ok –
ing more
ing doesn
’t mean “y
than tha
t.
es” So, you should be having sex, right?
What’s expected of you – and what do YOU
expect?
Heaps of people think that guys are meant to be
up for sex all the time. It’s not ok to feel like you
have to have sex, just because people think that’s
what you are supposed to want.
Is everyone else doing it…all the time?
FACT Only about a quarter of 16 year olds
and half of 17 year olds in Australia
have had sex 1.
Ask yourself
Why do I really want to have sex? Am I sure
we both want to do the same sorts of things?
Porn sex
Most people say they know that the sex in
porn isn’t what sex is like in the real world. But
porn sex can make us think about real life sex
differently. It can also shape the way we think
about other stuff like consent, love and pleasure.
1
I think there are a lot of
expectations out there
that guys have to have
been in a relationship or
be picking up all the time
and it’s like, if you haven’t,
there’s something wrong
with you_
I lie to my mates and
say that I’m not a virgin
because I’m embarrassed.
I feel like I have to lose
my virginity to be cool
like the rest of them, to
be a part of them. But
I just don’t think I’m
ready for it yet_
I started looking at porn
before I had sex, so porn
is pretty much how I
learned about sex_
For that half hour when
I was watching porn I
thought, ‘This is separate
from my life, it won’t
affect how I view the
world.’ But then I
realised it did_
National Survey of Australian Secondary Students, HIV/AIDS and Sexual Heath (2008)
Me and my
bo
them to ea yfriend send
ch other –
funny and
it’s
sexy. But
I
make sure
it
of my body ’s only a pic
not my fa
so if it ev
er gets sen ce
t
anywhere
else, I can sa
it’s not m
y
e!
Paige
My b
to ge f sometime
when t a photo s tries keeps I’m naked, of me send asking me and of myhim a sex to
the id self. I don y photo
alway ea that h’t like
and h s have th e will
to some could sh e pic
eone e ow it
Zahra
lse.
Sexy pics and txts - are you breaking the law?
YES. Taking, sending or receiving sexual images of someone under 18 is illegal – if you have these
pics on your phone or computer you could be
charged. If you send the pic on, you can be charged
with an even worse crime, even if you delete it from
your own phone.
ASK YOURSELF: If someone sent a pic like this
around of you, your GF/BF or your mate, what
would you do? How would you feel?
Take it back?
If you’ve sent a pic of yourself to someone or sent
on a pic of someone else and now feel bad, you can’t
take it back but there are some things you can do:
• Ask them to delete the pic from their phone or computer
• Talk to someone you trust (an older sibling, parent or teacher)
A mate of
mine sent
around a
ex-girlfrienfull on pic of his
anything d. I didn’t say
when the to him, but
out I didn others found
’t send it
they start
on
a fag. Bu ed calling me
was like, t I didn’t care. I
want thay’know I wouldn’t
t picture
of me.
to be
A jit
et
Now I really regr e
it, he showed thmy
pic to most of m
class and my mu
found out too. It and
was a year ago if
I still don’t know it
people are sending
around.
Aisha
de
a nu this
t
n
to
e se
I onc f myself e never
pic o liked. Sh tioned girl I d or men it was
replie ain and rrassing,
it ag of emba n’t
kind e she did
mayb . like it
C a rl o
Everyon
e wants
to be a
to be tr
good fr
eated w
ie
ith resp
being tr
ect. But nd and wants th
eated ri
you mig
e people
g
h
t
a
n
d it prob
ht know
What d
o I say?
ably ma
someon they like
kes you
e who is
feel unc
n’t
It can b
omforta
e hard to
ble.
know w
not righ
hat to d
t is goin
o or say
g on in
person
if you kn
a relatio
they’re
n
ow som
s
w
hip or a
it
h is bein
friend –
ething
friend te
g violen
whethe
lls you th
r it’s a g
t. Try an
e
uy or gir
d be the
You mig
l.
re for yo
ht
ur
“how co even know the
uld they
person
they’re
act like
But the
ta
that – I
re are so
always th lking about and
me thin
think,
ought th
gs that
ey were
you can
ok.”
do – and
NOT do
✔ Believ
.
e what
they’re
✔ Listen
s
aying
- don’t
interr u p
✔ Supp
t their s
o rt th e m
tory
,
even th
what th
ou gh yo
ey decid
u might
e
✔ Ask th
to do
not agre
e m wh a
e with
t
th
✔ Che ck
ey wan
t to do
in with
next
the m la
ok and
te r – m
s ee if th
ak e sure
ey wan
they’re
t to talk
aga in
✘ Ask to
o many
questio
✘ Tell th
ns
em you
’r
e
going to
✘ Get an
sort it o
gry or a
ut for th
ggressiv
✘ Talk a
em
e
bout wh
at you th
ink they
should d
o
Now th
at’s a d
ifferent
story…
If you s
ee a ma
te using
these ti
violence
ps
or
at http:/ aren’t really go
ing to h trying to contr
/www.k
ol some
elp you
now-yo
one,
ur-pow
er.org/c to help them. T
ake a lo
hecklist.
ok
html fo
r more
info.
Information
and support
Ugly
Love: The Good, The Bad and The
http://lovegoodbadugly.com/
Tune In Not Out
http://www.tuneinnotout.com/
om.au/
Somazone - http://www.somazone.c
Your Sex Health
index.php
http://www.yoursexhealth.org/html/
Reach Out - http://au.reachout.com/
Bursting the Bubble
http://www.burstingthebubble.com/
Mensline - 1300 78 99 78 or
http://www.menslineaus.org.au/
Kids Helpline - 1800 55 1800 or
http://www.kidshelp.com.au/
At school,
you can
talk to the
st
welfare coo udent
rdinator,
the school
nurse or
a teacher
you like
and trust
.
Gay and Lesbian Switchboard
org.au
1800 184 527 or www.switchboard.
Centre Against Sexual Assault
.au/
1800 806 292 or http://www.casa.org
This booklet was
written and developed
by the Domestic
Violence Resource
Centre Victoria.
We would like to gratefully
acknowledge the support
of the RE Ross Trust
Supported by
VicHealth
Art direction, graphic
design and photography
by thewhitestudio.com.au
To order the
booklet please visit
www.dvrcv.org.au
© DVRCV (2011)