Cancer cure awaits oK

thedeatheater
This insert in The Maneater is our
annual satirical April Fools issue. None
of the content is in any way accurate.
Vol. 74, No. 44 1/4
At least we’re not
Hogwarts Castle, United Kingdom • Tuesday, April 1, 2008
The Daily Prophet.
thedeatheater.com
Cancer cure awaits OK
vomit
Wren Davids
Staff Flautist
Christopher Don’t/Boy Scout Wannabe
Deather-in-Chief Lord Steveseymort prepares to hurl a massive one at
La Rancha restaurant on Broadway. Steveseymort’s condition is
attributed to a bottle of Southern Comfort.
The cure for cancer lies in
the office of the chancellor.
The MU Health Discoveries
Club has found the cure for
cancer, but MU administration
will not release the cure to the
public.
According to university policy, the administration must
sign a release form before the
club can share its discovery,
but Chancellor Shady Dealin’
has not done so.
Health Discoveries Club
president
Timmy-Tom
Tompkins said he submitted
the form to Vice Chancellor of
Student Affairs Kathy Scoffs
three months ago.
Neither Deaton nor Scoffs
has approved the paperwork,
Tompkins added. Instead, the
form is sitting on Scoffs’ desk
under a box of Kleenex.
“I don’t understand why
no one will sign the form,”
Tompkins said. “The club
worked really hard to discover
the cure for cancer. It would
take the chancellor and his staff
like half a second to sign.”
But Scoffs said student
affairs are the administration’s
sole concern.
“At the University of
Missouri, students are our top
priority,” she said. “We cannot
worry about the outside world
until we’ve taken care of our
students.”
Dealin’ said the release
form guards MU from negative exposure and lawsuits. It
allows administrators to monitor exactly what information
goes public, he added.
“What if the club found the
cure for herpes?” Dealin’ said.
“Talking about sexually transmitted disease can be awkward. We don’t want to put
anyone in that situation. We
Deatheater-in-chief:
'Blaaaghaaaaaaaaa' Students to tailgate at Tiger Spot
see OOPS, page 2
roman life
Banana Kopple
and Battlestar
Njumponhim
Of the Deatheater staff
Editor-in-Chief
Lord
Steveseymort shattered The
Deatheater’s reputation as a
beacon of truth and light Friday
night by vomiting in front of
several of the paper’s most
important sources.
Witnesses said they saw
Steveseymort become ill after
drinking a bottle of Southern
Comfort and stumbling to
La Rancha restaurant on
Broadway.
“It was really awkward,” the
Reverend Trudy Muffinmaker
said. “I felt bad for his friends.”
She said she couldn’t actually remember any time
Steveseymort had acted dignified and respectful.
“This man is the eighth
deadly sin,” Muffinmaker said.
“Seriously.”
On Friday, a committee
tasked with implementing of
MU’s condom initiative met
at La Rancha. The task force
includes a number of university administrators and
student leaders who all saw
Steveseymort vomit on everything.
Fortunately for him, Student
Wellness Center Director
Pregnant Odd, a doctor, is a
chairwoman on the committee. She was able to tend to his
illness.
“In my professional medical opinion, he was really hammered,” she said. “That explains
a lot.”
She also diagnosed him with
see VOMIT, page 2
Rock BROlivo inspires
Merry Daily
Staff BaRackstar
The race for Missouri’s 9
3/4 Congressional district seat
is heating up as new candidates kick, skate and sprint for
the sought-after office.
U.S. Rep. Pokey Stick, RMo., represented the 9 3/4 district for 12 years.
Last
month,
Stick
announced he would not seek
re-election in order to follow his aspirations to run for
governor.
After Stick’s job opened,
many hopefuls, including
numerous Missouri athletes,
filed as candidates.
Former MU football player
Rock BROlivo was the first athlete to join the race. BROlivo
was only the seventh player in
MU football to have his jersey
retired.
“I think my success on the
football field will definitely
translate into success in the
election,” BROlivo said. “As a
former running back, I know
how to take the ball, run away
from all the big, scary guys
and dive over that touchdown
line.”
BROlivo, who said he thinks
he is a Republican, has no
experience working in government and has never voted in
an official election, according
to research by the St. Louis
Lost-Eyepatch.
“I just want to put the
knowledge I learned in social
studies class to good use,”
BROlivo said. “I know I’d be an
all-star asset to the team.”
Many other professional
and collegiate Missouri athletes said they filed to run for
the seat after BROlivo inspired
them through a “moving”
YouTube.com video.
Former professional baseball player Mark McGwire was
one candidate to enter the
race.
“I saw ‘The Bro’ trying to
see ROCK ON, page 2
Erica Zuko
Beauty School Dropout
Students disheartened by the
closing of Frat Pit last fall now
have a new spot to park their cars,
grill hot dogs and toss bean bags
on football game days.
MU administrators approved
the relocation of the popular
tailgating spot to a circular area
outside Ellis Library, previously
known as Tiger Spot.
“Let’s be honest here, Tiger
Spot was a mess covered with
a tarp and was basically just an
eyesore,” MU Missouri Suck-ups
Association President Tim Keller
said. “The activities that went
down at Tiger Spot last fall exemplified what MU is all about far
better than a mosaic ever could.”
MSA Senate voted last
Wednesday to pass legislation recommending the moving of Frat
Pit to the Tiger Spot location.
On Sunday, MU students
attended a special jack hammering ceremony, which was sponsored by Real Tigers.
MU Police Chief Ryan Weiner
said he is sure the tailgate relocation will put an end to the
violations that often resulted
from activities at the corner of
Providence Road and Champions
Drive. Last year, students were
charged for possession of alcohol,
public urination and disturbance
of the community.
“There’s no community to disturb on Lowry Mall, unless you
count the librarians sitting around
in Ellis all day asking administration for books students will
probably never take out anyway,”
Weiner said. “As for public urination, we feel the installation of
Port-A-Potties on either side of
Tiger Spot will take care of the
problem.”
MU freshman Tyler Marks said
Lowry Mall will benefit not only on
game days, but also all throughout
the week.
“Students will begin to associate
Tiger Spot as a 24/7 house party,”
Marks said. “After having tons of
fun on Saturdays they won’t want
to stop, and will begin hanging
Jayson Alecks Gid-it-hart/Staff Paparazzi
Sustainahottie Tap Marghrosie-o parties it up on an unspecified day at
Tiger Spot. After Frat Pit was closed, Tiger Spot has become the
sanctioned happening place for parties.
out all week long in the same location. I think it will also bring great
business to the Memorial Union
Starbucks.”
Vice Chancellor of Student
Recreation Jedd Meilinger said he
was opposed to the idea at first. He
said Tiger Spot served as a campus
icon and artistic representation of
the spirit of MU, but he had a
change of heart when he received
an invitation to tailgate with Bigma
Epsilon Pie fraternity members if
Meilinger agreed to approve the
change. Meilinger graduated from
MU in 1982 and fondly remembers
many tailgating experiences.
“Okay, actually I can’t recall
any, I typically forgot them by
the next morning,” Meilinger
said. “But I’m pretty sure they
were good, and it feels nice to be
included by the students. I hope
they’ll enjoy their new tailgating
hotspot, and I’d like to emphasize
that while I don’t advocate unlawful behavior, I do plan to have a
roarin’ Tiger tailgating time.”
Meilinger declined to comment on whether he would help
to provide refreshments for student tailgates.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
extra shit
Table of
Contents:
Get on Njus
Blotter
Bitchin'
BingBang
OMG, We're
No. 1
BLANCHE
3
4
5
6
Weather Forecast
Tuesday:
Wednesday:
Thursday:
Friday:
Low 45, high 67, showers of locusts with
a 98 percent chance of the plague
Low 38, high 53, thundersnow with a 46
percent chance of tomfoolery
Low 52, high 67, snow and light rain
with a 37 percent chance of lions, tigers
and bears
Low 45, high 57, Oh, my!
OutTakes
7
8
Deatheaters
6%
Zombies
26%
Tom Cruise
50%
Aliens
6%
6%
Robots 6%
Vampires
Q: Which apocalyptic
attack poses the
biggest threat?
Corrections
If you notice an error
in The Deatheater,
please don't report it
to the editorial board.
The Deatheater simply does not make
mistakes, especially
on April Fool's Day.
Online Poll
a. Deatheaters
b. Robots
c. Zombies
d. Vampires
e. Aliens
f. Tom Cruise
GEOFFIE LOTTAHOTDOGS/STAFF PAPARAZZI
Sen. Baracka-My-Bama, D.-Ill., receives unexpected inspiration from
Sen. Billary Clinton, D-N.Y., while speaking to the masses before
disclosing his identity as the next prophet from your local
nondenominational holy figure during a rally in the Lou. Despite
Clinton’s efforts to jinx My-Bama, the junior senator from Illinois has
slowly been rising in the Top 40 charts.
To vote on next issue's poll, go to
thedeatheater.com. To beat up stupid voters, go to campus computer
labs. All Deatheater online polls
are conducted on thedeatheater.
com. All of the results have been
changed by The Deatheater staff.
The Deatheater 2
thedeatheater
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absolutely ridiculous and awesome, not
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Missouri, You-Know-Who or the Minister of
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"That's beautiful, Katie!"
Lord Steveseymort, Deatheater-in-Chief
Ray o' iPhone, The 300 percent better
Banana Kopple, Tul'p Lessing, Battlestar
Njumponhim, Sewallasaurus Rex,
Get on Njus Editors
Chelsea (middle name omitted) Gallagher,
Staff Concertgoer
Jedidiah Ro, Brother Jed's Stand-in
Puh-puh Pushawhale,
Greenpeace activist
Joaaaaaaaaaay Aragrev,
Daniel Night-Lewis Impersonator
Roger the Shrubber, Shrubber
lupe $enate, certifiably kosher
Shanny Got Low, Staff Music Video Star
Vinny Vo, Jr., Amiga Pequena
Christopher Don't, Boy Scout Wannabe
Linda of Borg, Futilley Irresistible
Mo' Radley, Appendicitis Survivor
Sirrah Moores, Bryan "Rock Band" Martini,
BAMF Assistants
Lady QTmort, Graphics Assistant
Catherinneinneinneinne O'Bee, Jim
Ryan Jack Michael Joseph George Smith,
Grammar Gal and Guy
Lexus CardSharks, Designer
Rock on: Athletes Vomit: Newsflash: vomit is gross
to take over the world
Continued from page 1
Continued from page 1
make a difference, so I thought
I’d step up to the plate too,”
McGwire said. “I think my
campaign has definite home
run potential.”
McGwire, who finished his
Major League career with the
St. Louis Cardinals, compared
the election to his notorious
home run record chase against
the Chicago Cubs’ Sammy
Sosa.
“I beat Sosa then, so I
believe I’m capable of beating
my opponents now,” McGwire
said. “But if I have to change
something about my campaign
in order to enhance my performance, you bet I’ll do it.”
Another candidate who
recently joined the race is
former St. Louis Blues player Al MacInnis. He said he
would prove to be a strong
competitor against the other
candidates.
“I had one of the hardest slap shots in the NHL,”
MacInnis said. “I plan on treating my opponents the same
way I treated the puck.”
Junior MU quarterback
Heisman Danielson joined the
race shortly after MacInnis.
Danielson said he wanted
to make sure football players, an often forgotten demographic in elections, were
well represented, and that his
legacy at MU will top that of
BROlivo’s.
“I led our team to number
one in the country,” he said.
“But now it’s all about the
9 3/4.”
NASCAR
driver
Carl
Edwards, who is from
Columbia, also decided to run
for Congress.
“It’ll be a race to the finish,
but I think I will be the one
doing back flips in the end,”
said Edwards, who performs
a back flip after each race he
wins.
The influx of athletes into
the race has caused uproar
among party members.
Stick said he believes athletes and politics should not
mix.
“Putting a football player in
Congress would be like putting
onions and pineapple on the
same pizza,” Stick said. “I’m
repulsed just thinking about
it.”
Despite the criticism,
BROlivo has been able to garner significant endorsements.
Thomas Jefferson, BROlivo’s
former social studies teacher,
endorsed the candidate last
week.
“Rock was, in fact, a social
studies student like he claims
to be,” Jefferson said. “He
missed class a lot because of
football practice, but I felt like
he always wanted to be there
and had ideas, and that’s why
I’m endorsing him.”
McGwire, Danielson and
Edwards also gained the
endorsements of their former
social studies teachers.
a broken blood vessel in his eye
from throwing up with such
great force.
MU Chancellor Shady Dealin’
said he had decided to stop at
La Rancha for a plate of beef
nachos.
“I was waiting in line when
all of a sudden, this guy vomits
on my shoe,” he said. “That’ll
teach me to ever leave my house
again.”
Dealin’ said he didn’t recognize the offending vomiter, but
said he thought he have been
a student at one of the city’s
three colleges.
“I hear those students party
pretty hard on the weekends,”
he said. “I’ve never really talked
to any of them, but that’s what
I hear.”
When told he had vomited
on the chancellor, Steveseymort
said, “Oh my God, he was
there?”
Sustainer Sven Dateme was
sitting near Steveseymort the
night of Steveseymort’s indiscretion and wasn’t really bothered by the spectacle, he said.
“I mean, I was disappointed
that his friend cleaned up with
napkins instead of reusable terrycloth towels,” Dateme said.
“But she was maybe too embarrassed to think straight, and I
don’t want to push sustainability on anyone.”
Out of shame, Steveseymort’s
parents moved to Pittsburgh,
Penn., the following week.
“We raised him to be such
a proper southern gentleman,”
Steveseymort’s mother said.
“We didn’t mean Southern
Comfort.”
An alpaca was in the restaurant at the time enjoying a grass
quesadilla and a margarita.
“Mrrrrrgh,” the alpaca said.
Steveseymort’s pet dog Triple
Crown declined to comment
and walked away ashamed.
Steveseymort’s pet fish
were unavailable for comment
because they had been flushed.
— Deatheater Grammar Guy Jim
Ryan Jack Michael Joseph George
Smith contributed to this report
Oops: Cure for cancer!? For real?!
Continued from page 1
need more information before
we can go forward with this.”
MU Spokesman Kristian
Bazie said the Chancellor and
his staff will “probably get
around to signing the form” in
the next several years.
“Everyone has been working
so tirelessly to offer free condoms in the residential halls,”
he explained. “They’re just so
worn out.”
For now, the cure for cancer
will remain in the Office of the
Chancellor.
According to the M-Book,
Health Discoveries Club members would be expelled from
MU if they release the cure for
cancer without the permission
from the chancellor and his
staff.
Tompkins said he could not
make the sacrifice.
“Obviously I need my undergraduate degree,” he said.
“I still have to go to medical school. It’s really up to
the chancellor and his staff to
share the cure for cancer with
the world.”
Health Discoveries Club
member Myrtle Marvin said
she hopes administrators will
sign the release form soon.
“Sharing the cure for cancer is so important,” she
said. “It can’t wait. What if
the pre-med students at the
University of Kansas discover the cure for cancer before
Chancellor Dealin' signs the
form? That would be really
embarrassing.”
Although no administrators have signed the release
form, they are all very proud of
the Health Discoveries Club,
Dealin' said.
“We commend the Health
Discoveries Club for their hard
work,” Dealin' said. “We are
excited whenever a student
does something great, whether
they receive an internship, win
an award or discover the elusive cure for a horrible, lifethreatening illness.”
Tuesday, April 1
get on njus
Battlestar Njumponhim, Supreme Fracker, and Bananna Kopple, Mother Figure,
Disease running rampant on campus
Sally Gore
Staff Cat-humper
(similar to bear-blaster)
Some MU students have found
themselves itching and burning
as an epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases rages through the
campus.
Experts say that this pandemic
of STDs is most likely due to the
lack of condom availability on the
campus.
“If the chancellor would only
allow students to be protected,
students wouldn’t have this awful
problem on their hands,” Student
Wellness Center nurse Candy Kane
said. “Or between their legs, for that
matter.”
While cases of a variety of infections have been reported, the most
common infection among students
is syphilis, according a report from
the Student Wellness Center. The
disease causes tiredness and flulike symptoms and, if left untreated, rashes and hair loss.
“I can’t believe my whore girlfriend gave this to me,” sophomore
Ben Dover said. “I can’t feel my toes.”
MU Chancellor of Student
Affairs Lady Eatin said the pandemic isn’t because of the school’s
decision to delay making condoms
available in residence halls.
“Students should know proper
sexual safety,” Eatin said. “It is not
my job to monitor the sex lives of
6,000 freshmen.”
While a plan to make condoms
available in MU’s residence halls
has been in progress for months,
compromises have been made
recently. Some argue that recent
progress has not been of help to
students.
“I was just too embarrassed
to ask my PA for a condom, and
how I have to tell all those guys to
get checked out,” freshmen Lesely
Trampman said. “This is really
embarrassing.”
Student Wellness Center
Director Nancy Drew backed the
plan, but assured students that
waiting would “make it so much
better.”
The pandemic began early
this semester, exploding near
Valentine’s Day. Some believe due
to the nature of the holiday, many
students locked their doors that
evening.
“Hey, when you’re getting it on,
who wants to go bug a PA?” freshmen Dick Senormous said. “What a
total mood kill.”
In order to slow this infection,
the university will send a notice
over the emergency alert system,
warning students to watch out for
“tramps, whores and bros.”
The Student Wellness Center is
in the process of purchasing condoms with “69 percent of MU students wear protection” printed on
the package.
Students can pick up the free
contraceptives at the Student
Wellness Center Monday through
Friday during office hours.
The center is also printing Tshirts, which state, “Most of Us
wrap up before we shack up.”
The shirts will be for sale at the
bookstore will all profits benefiting
STD research.
Early Sunday, the emergency
alert system that would notify
students, faculty and staff of
an emergency on campus was
activated.
The system sent a text message, penned by an unconfirmed
administrator, to the campus at
2:14 a.m. Sunday. The message
read, “Attention: Meet me in Jesse
in 20 minutes to meet the dean of
my pants. Dig in.”
Many students were still gone
for spring break and simply
ignored the message, but a few
responded to the call.
“I thought it might be from
my hot sociology T.A.,” junior
Stephanie Long said. “But when
I got to Jesse, there was just some
fat pervert being wrestled to the
ground by security.”
According to an administrative assistant, who asked to
remain anonymous, the fat pervert was an MU administrator
who became heavily intoxicated
at the annual Spring Fling Office
Party at Jesse Hall on Saturday.
Representatives deny knowledge
of both the party and the administrator in question.
MU Police have not released
the suspect’s name to the press
because charges are still pending.
An MU news release distributed after the incident stated that
the T9 system of text messaging
was to blame. T9 is a style of
texting where the cell phone program will predict what word the
user wanted to type.
Although the person in question, still unconfirmed by all parties, did not have the authority to send out a mass alert text,
his intention was not of a sexual
nature, the release stated.
“They must have not double-checked the message,” MU
spokeswoman Judy Conrad said.
“We believe he was trying to send
a text to inform everyone that the
dean of paleontology was returning late to Jesse Hall from a dig
and was in need of a welcoming
party despite the time of night.”
MU has no paleontology dean.
The administrative assistant
said the administrator in question was going through a “rough
time.” His wife of 15 years left him,
allegedly for her yoga instructor,
and plans to take everything but
the liquor cabinet in the divorce.
“The cabinet is located in his
office, and he was just trying to
enjoy it before her lawyer tried to
take that to,” said the anonymous
assistant.
What
gangs?
Swords are
really cool.
Tul’p Lessing
Jaffa, Kree!
Crested Turtle/Staff Paparazzi
A swarm of sexually transmitted diseases swarms Stafford Hall on an
otherwise beautiful afternoon. If only the residence halls had condoms
for protection.
Alert propositions campus Columnist turns to crack
Campbell’s
MmmMmmMassie
Soup Connisseur
The Deatheater 3
Gems Brainer
Senior Staff Redhead
Former emeritus professor
Khan Feral now lives a life of
crime, grime and time, wandering
the streets in little more than rags
searching for his next hit of crack
cocaine.
Feral, a columnist at the
CoMOian, had his column
dropped from the newspaper in November 2007, after
Deatheater reporter Banana
Kopple claimed Feral lifted
quotes from her Oct. 5 article
on the women’s and gender
studies department.
“It had nothing to do with
journalism ethics,” Kopple said
of the incident. “I was really just
trying to get the old guy fired.”
Shortly after the CoMOian
dropped the columns, sources said
Feral turned to drugs, for comfort.
He started stealing money from
the family accounts, his wife said,
wiping a tear from her eye.
“I had no choice but to kick
him out of the house,” she said.
“He would have taken everything
I had.”
Homeless and penniless, Feral
was forced to take shelter in the
J-Slums basement among three
cats and an unknown number of
bats.
“I’m an octogonian, you know,”
he said. “I need somewhere to rest
my weary bones.”
Feral said he believed his plagiarism was, in fact, a gateway
drug.
“Once I got caught for unintentionally not attributing those
quotes, my life just went downhill,” Feral said refusing to use the
word “plagiarize.”
He’s experimented with crack,
acid and his most recent favorite,
meth, he said.
Feral has had to turn to unconventional methods to getting
drugs, such as attending college
parties.
Feral approached Deatheater
reporters Jedidiah Ro and
Battlestar Njumponhim at a party
late last year asking the two if
they had any crack with them,
Njumponhim said.
One partygoer said that as
Feral was leaving the party he
started to sing the theme song to
the “Ooh Meth” television commercial popular in the mid-1990s.
“Look at me, busy as a bee.
Where’d I get all this energy?” he
sang. “I don’t sleep, I don’t eat, but
I’ve got the cleanest house on the
street. Get these hairs all out of
my face; get these bugs all out of
my place. One more hit, no time
to waste.
Two large groups of unrelated youths that each dress
similarly and are from different
areas came together in a disagreement Monday, Columbia
Police Chief Bandy Raym said.
This is the latest in a series
of such incidents.
The two groups — the Blips
from Columbia and the Cruds
from The Lou — met in a
North Columbia neighborhood
to settle a dispute about the
distribution of territories.
Despite the similarities,
Raym said these two groups
are definitely not gangs.
“Columbia has no gangs,”
he said. “It never has, it never
will. Why would you suggest
that?”
The altercation lead to the
arrest of four Columbia males,
who were released immediately because, police said, every
single witness to the 500-person disagreement said they did
not see anything out of the
ordinary.
“I don’t know what you’re
talking about,” one witness
reportedly told police. “We
weren’t doing anything. We
were just talking.”
Police said they found one
bloody glove and a three-foot
sword at the scene.
While there are several
such groups in Columbia, and
they each call themselves by
a different name and have
different signature styles of
dress, the police department
said this is not a problem for
Columbia.
“These incidents are unrelated,” Capt. Barbie Wammond
said. “Even though it’s generally the same people, in the same
places, having the same sorts
of fights around 2 a.m. It’s just
a coincidence that this is happening around now.”
The Blips generally wear
Ray-bans sunglasses and all
purple. The Cruds generally
wear red and green with dark
green fedoras, Wammond
said.
Police said they think the
latest incident was sparked by
a Crud pulling out a sword,
which lead both groups to pull
out swords and start snapping and pirouetting down
Broadway.
Raym said since the incidents are unrelated, police cannot predict whether there will
be more in the near future.
He said to avoid wearing the
colors of the group, or going
into their territories at night.
4 the deatheater
POLICE
DEPT.
the
BLOTTER
Lord Steveseymort Jr., 46, of
Godric’s Hollow, on suspicion of
skipping class to sexually harass
people, yet still receiving better grades than his managing
editor
Ray O’iPhone, 22, of Hotlanta,
on suspicion of shredding souls.
Many members of the Deatheater
staff report fearing O’iPhone,
who hides her icy heart under a
sweet, Rihanna-loving exterior.
Battlestar Njumponhim, 11, of
Detroit Rock City, on suspicion
of filing a false sexual harassment claim against his co-workers, especially Sewallasauras Rex.
Upon responding to the complaint, police officers reportedly
said to Njumponhim, “I mean,
really, you knew what you were
getting into.”
Banana Kopple, 42, on suspicion of putting an old guy out
on the streets and doing meth in
the newsroom
Sewallasauras Rex, 20, of 1C
Rock Band Way, on suspicion of
killing bats and throwing them
into the middle of Ninth Street
Tul’p Lessing, 77, of 1C, on
suspicion of hypnotizing everyone into liking bad 1990s music
again. Lessing Lessing Lessing,
can’t you see/sometimes your
words just hypnotize me.
JOAY Plainview, 30, of The
Hoodlands, Texas, on suspicion of being a bastard from a
basket and wearing fur socks.
He was last seen on the floor
of his Texas mansion, having
a shaking problem, demanding
to speak with his fantasy wife,
Blanche Daugherty and repeating the numbers “4, 8, 15, 16, 23,
42.” Winky.
Chelsea (middle name
omitted) Gallagher, 16, of
Madferit, England, on suspicion of looking back in anger,
slowly walking down the hall
(faster than a cannonball) and
being a wack-a-doo
Roger the Shrubber, 21, of the
D.C. hood, on suspicion of being
a closet United States Congress
junkie
Jedidiah Ro, 21, of 1C Beaufort
Island, on suspicion of sucking all the attention out of the
atmosphere
Puh-puh Pushawhale, 23, of
Russia, you fool, on suspicion
of causing a scene and calling
the police to file a false report.
Pushawhale was last seen wearing Ray-Bans, drinking halfPerky Melons, half-roofied
Trops and threatening to report
her poor roommates for eating
Noodles twice in one day.
Jim Ryan Jack Michael Joseph
George Smith, 42, of Boy Scout
Camp, on suspicion of napping
periodically and eatin cookiez
he meant to give to others
Catherinneinneinneinne
O’Bee, 14, of Country Grammar
Way, on suspicion of screaming
really loudly and consistently
Linda of Borg, 19, of O.P.
(yeah, you know me), on suspicion of conspiring to unleash an
army of Twain kids on the Slums
GET ON NJUS
while on a McCormick bender
and turning all the computers in
the Deatheater production room
to that screen saver of the pug
licking the computer screen
Christopher Don’t, 16, of
Texas (sadly), on suspicion of
conspiring to cover stories that
need photos of cute children
and animals
Lady QTmort, 12, of Facebook
Bumper Sticker Lane, on suspicion of stealing cupcakes from
her Deatheater coworkers and
drunkenly putting whirls on
every graphic the paper
Vinny Vo Jr., 9, of
Doppelganger Lane, on suspicion of having a twin and dating
him and being almost too cute
to work at The Deatheater
Bustin’ Dryers, 13, of The
Interwebs, on suspicion of being
overly helpful and wearing a corset in public. The Deatheater
apologizes for putting that
image into your head.
Mo’
Radley,
18,
of
Omahahahahahaha, on suspicion
of being a Cubs fan in the middle
of Missouri and driving without
an appendix. Radley attempted
to convince the authorities he
did not need his appendix to
drive and is currently being held
at Moon County Hospital.
Shanny Got Low, 24, of
Vagina, Ohio, on suspicion of
being the biggest Internet sensation since LOLCats. The viral
video, which recently made its
246th hit on YouTube.com, has
been responsible for at least 72
spontaneous orgasms. That’s
how amazing it is.
Cole Berry, Garbage and
Slummy McCat, 14, 97 and 2,
of the J-Slums, on suspicion of
being zombies
Lupe $enate, 20, of Tel Aviv,
on suspicion of eating a hipster
in one bite, kidnapping Eugene
Hutz and growing a beard
Justice Moan, 19, of downstairs Brady, on suspicion of
defection
Gems Brainer, 30, of the beach,
on suspicion of conspiracy to
Tiger Spot. Brainer was found
with a sledgehammer muttering, “Just one more story”
Campbell’s MmMmMassie,
24, of Virginny, on suspicion of
theft from H&M, Forever 21 and
New York & Company clothing
stores in multiple attempts to
own her very own “Journalism
Barbie” outfit. MmMmMassie
was also charged with possession of a point-and-shoot camera.
Sally Gore, 13, on suspicion of
conspiracy to make a presidential candidate look like an idiot
and impersonating a University
News editor
Nathaniel Autumns, 45, on
suspicion of stalking the Bored
of Curators from Columbia to
Kansas City. Autumns’ location
is unknown because he disappeared after taking way too
many credit hours.
Blarin’ Rhymes, 19, of Chicago,
on suspicion of possession of a
ridiculous voicemail message.
Mybelle Isahopin, 63, of S.
Chicago, on suspicion of taking
the stories no one else wants,
taking over the front page and
getting on the radio for it
Erica Zuko, 14, of Chicago,
on suspicion of apologizing for
completely unnecessary reasons
and impersonating a Student
Organizations editor and also
being almost too cute to work at
The Deatheater
Grandma Olds, 177, on suspicion of being so old that it’s
actually uncomfortable to make
fun of her. Police are also investigating allegations of amnesia due to Olds’ constant references to Missouri Suck-ups
Association officers from 2004
and her threats to her co-workers. Olds was last heard yelling,
“Do it or I’ll cut you!”
Wren Davids, 19, of Food
Network Nation, on suspicion of
Facebooking sources and ranking their physical attractiveness
before agreeing to cover a story
Amazing Grace, 18, of the
DSM, on suspicion of theft.
Meiners is accused of stealing all
the interesting stories regarding
sex, snakes and jimson weed
Sir Ryan Text-a-Lot, 35, on
suspicion of using his employer’s
expense account to buy everyone dranks. Police hope to see
Text-a-Lot in Columbia soon.
Bamey Stinger, 22 of the West
End Word, on suspicion of leaving MU and The Deatheater but
succumbing to the temptation
to copy edit online updates.
The police request that anyone
who sees the dangerous Stinger
should kidnap her and bring her
back to The Deatheater.
Margie Ride-Or-Die, 13, of
West County, on suspicion of
loving Kirkwood a little too
much
Wanda Winters, 22, of Twerk
Main Hall, on suspicion of running an escort service out of
the dorms and pimping out her
residents
Chelsah Sextant, 14, of
Norway, Minn., of running
an illegal “kitty mill” in her
Columbia apartment
Darebear Milosevich, 20, of
not-Kansas, on suspicion of
using illegal illuminating devices during wrestling matches in
the Sucky-Lighting Facility, also
known as the Hearnes Center
Jayson Lionheart, 20, of Noo
Yahk, on suspicion of hacking into the National Weather
Service’s database in several
attempts to track storms
Geoffie Lottahotdogs, 56,
of Washfreakinton, D.C, on
suspicion of destroying The
Deatheater’s
server
with
too many assignments and
paparazzi-stalking every sports
team in the Big 12 conference.
Lottahotdogs’ drivers license
has been suspended until further notice — oh wait ...
Denbren DeVille, 58, of the
Rollins Group, on suspicion of
owning an illegal police radio
scanner and stowing away on a
feminists’ bus to Jefferson City
Alecks Gid-it-done, 19, of
Lee’s Summit, on suspicion of
theft and vandalism of really
nice bicycles. Police report that
Gid-it-done recorded his own
misdemeanors via “fancy camera work with fancy off-camera
flash thingymabobbers”
Nikolas Gemm, 23, of the Lou,
on suspicion of stalking certain
members of the MU mens basketball team
Bill Huckleberry Houndsberry,
18, of Brolumbia, on suspicion of
breaching Secret Service security in multiple attempts to
infiltrate certain political events
with soul-stealing gear in tow
and of hacking into Apple’s
software development in several
attempts to adjust Aperture’s
settings to correspond with his
Ni-con RAW format
Erik Swinesbiiiii, 22, of
Minnesnowta, on suspicion
of possession of an unhealthy
store of knowledge regarding
multiple current and antiquated
film formats
Stuey Peterdaughter, 21,
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
of The Historic Avenue of the
Columns, on suspicion of being
a ginger
Nicholas Woodster, 23, of
Siggie New, on suspicion of owning a positively amazing camera
of which everyone in the photo
cave is jealous
Andy Filer, 19, of AEPie, on
suspicion of exploiting local
bands’ hospitality and exposing
embarrassing acts of destruction committed during periods
of debauchery
Danny Brenny-y-y-y, 18, of
Color-My-Woraldo, on suspicion
of illegally hunting mischievous
gnomes during the off-season
Evesy Yondermountain, 19,
of Ganja, Minn., on suspicion of
propositioning a certain bluegrass band for alcohol. When
asked about the situation,
Yondermountain told authorities the band’s front man was
“giving a beer to her camera.”
Riiiiight.
Crested Turtle, 16, of Tulsa
Time, Okla., on suspicion of
making the world’s shittiest
mixtape and theft of numerous
antiquated cameras that no one
wants anyway
Abby Roger-That, 19, of
Chicago, on suspicion of committing crimes in order to write
about them and working 160
hours a week
Hairy Plumber, 19, of somewhere cold and east, on suspicion
of stalking the Brolumbia Fire
Department, Police Department,
the Moon County Sheriff’s
Department and every public
defender in Moon County
Merry Daily, 12, of Oz, on suspicion of stalking Barack Obama
and attacking her editor after he
cut Celine Dion out of a story
Mandrew Dinney, 34, of
Wheredhego Boulevard, on
suspicion of being perpetually
stoned and for disappearing
without notice for large amounts
of time. Charges were dropped
because he turns in damn good
stories, though.
Curly Locks, 21, of Wal-Mart,
on suspicion of sneaking smoke
breaks outside of The Deatheater
office
Pundit Saymore, 62, of The
Democratic Party, on suspicion
of sticking too closely to the
values, if there are any, of the
Democratic Party
Righty Coughwoman, 8, of
Washington, D.C., on suspicion
of running into her editor everywhere she goes on the weekends
and slurring that she will have
her column e-mailed the following day
Bryan “Rock Band” Martini,
35, of Ironic Street, on suspicion of pimping out Deatheater
designers, hiding his girlfriend
in the basement and listening to
awesome music
Sirrah Moores, 19, of Sleepy
Hollow, on suspicion of stumbling into a record store after
another night of work and no
sleep and stealing Hillary Duff,
Spice Girls, LFO and Backstreet
Boys CDs
Lexus CardSharks, 31, of
Tulsumbia, on suspicion of indecent exposure of massive hickies
and permanently attaching herself to QTmort like a Siamese
twin
Charles Boris Chafer, 34, of
Mars Volta, Mo., on suspicion of
rocking out to psychedelic rock
too often and avoiding scissors
J-Sarge and Patty Daughtry,
11 and 25, of LCD Thump Lane,
for cutting each other’s hair
without licenses and bromancing the night away
Mess Lamp, 25, of Harassment
Street, on suspicion of luring
rock stars to be cabana boys
and running a Cincinatti
Dumptruck operation
Anty French, 27, of AMERI
CANNEWSPAPERMANEATER,
for holding two bitches hostage
to form a rap group, getting
hung up on by Brits and eating
puppies
Paler Boy, 25, of 265 Film
Lane, for seeing way too many
lame movies
Chan Lesse, 97, of HuHot
Road, for playing as Jigglypuff
on Super Smash Bros. and digging chick flicks
Madam Maniels, 22, of
Bust-A-Nut, Mo., on suspicion
of ballin’ while riffin’. This is
Maniels’s second offense of ballin’ while riffin’. Just can’t stop
the man.
Ho-On-A-Leash-Uh Smiff, of
Gerald Levert Lane, on suspicion of pissing off Tyra Banks
Bitchin’ Whore-ess, 19, of InN-Out Burger, Calif., on suspicion of stalking Ira Glass. Glass
has filed numerous restraining orders against Whore-ess,
who he first spotted outside the
National Public Radio offices
on her “ride,” a 1962 Schwinn
Typhoon
Keerin’
Karr,
18,
of
Manhattan, on suspicion of
excessive fabulousness
Schmindsay Lallon, 19, of
The Struggle, Mo., on suspicion
of being married to a Facebook.
com polygamist. Said polygamist, Harley “Freakin” Spots, has
been linked to over 250 women
and was recently exposed in a
hard-hitting investigative piece
for the Brolumbia MOian
The Reverend J. Profane
Hicks, 25, of the Seven-SevenMothafuckin’-Three, on suspicion of preaching while
intoxicated and fraud, the latter caused by his propensity to
flail spasmodically and call it
“dancing”
Bryan Reck, 20, of the alley
behind Déjà vu, on suspicion of
trying to kill at least one VH1
personality
Dale Nagee, 21, of 3285
Marvel Lane, on suspicion of
refusing to get a gmail account
Stan Treason, 31, of 2185
Hamm’s Lane, on suspicion of
unlawful possession of a sailor
hat and reckless use of euphemisms for vagina
Savannah Sayes, 19, of the
great white north, on suspicion of touching Andy Rooney’s
melon baller. Yeah, we didn’t
want to know either
Chuck Gaustin, 20, on suspicion of domestic violence.
While being arrested, Gaustin
was heard shouting “No! No! It’s
totally fair! She loves Mulan!”
Marybeth Meberlin, 19, on
suspicion of getting into a fistfight on the bus with someone reading what she’d written
about them in The Deatheater
Hans Gentle, 40, on suspicion
of liking Columbia too much
and loitering around Lakota
Sham Wilshon, 45, of Office
Couch Lane, on suspicion of
passing out only to wake up
shouting at sources with carefully planned interviews
Rhino Hubert, 25, of World
Cup Way, on suspicion of headbutting people on field and tearing his yellow cards to shreds
Tad Stinkow, 12, of Random
Stadium, on suspicion of dressing too nicely for his mug shot
Benny the Jet, 30, of 32
Baseball Blvd., on suspicion of
stealing a base
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
bitchin’
Our Opinion
Editorials represent the majority opinion of The Maneater Editorial Board.
Stick to drinking
We’ve never seen such a bastion of unprofessional behavior in
our lives. Whoever gave us any license over the production of a
newspaper must be drunk. It’s clear to us that The Deatheater’s editorial board is so full of juvenile whiny bitches that none of us have
any capabilities as journalists and all of us should probably just quit
immediately as a result.
The Deatheater is certainly not qualified to make any suggestions
about university policy. Student editors debating and then writing
about student affairs should definitely not be taken seriously by any
means. I mean, who are we to reflect on issues we are experiencing
and then suggest ways for the administration to fix them? The very
thought is ludicrous. We should definitely leave all of the intellectual
heavy lifting to the professionals, capable as they have proven themselves — that way, we can have some more quality time to rest on
our laurels, because that is basically all The Deatheater does anyway.
Man, remember the time we had teeth? That was awesome.
Another thing. We’re awfully tired of our own bitching. Everyone
knows newspapers are no place to write about anything but how
wonderfully things are going worldwide. If The Deatheater were at
all grateful for anything, we would be much more excited about the
possibility of a giant square wall being built on top of Tiger Spot or
about all of the research that must have occurred in the time before
the condom plan was approved — because, after all, you can never be
too sure that condoms actually work. We should be singing praises
right and left for everyone in charge of anything. We clearly have no
room to criticize — we’re in charge of this paper, and it’s gone right
to hell.
Also, if we have to read one more condom pun in a headline,
we’re going to gag ourselves. “Condom plan rolling out”? Really,
The Deatheater? How juvenile. How despicable. Forget drawing the
reader in. Never mind trying to appeal to your target audience. And
completely ignore the fact that the stories following these childish
reminders of our nature as students are examples of excellent journalism. No, no. Clearly the only way to actually report on breaking news
or pursue a story is to make it as cut-and-dry as possible, and then
hope to Christ that readers will ignore that story and forget about the
issue. Nothing The Deatheater writes about is ever that important
anyway. We should just go ahead and leave all of the hard-hitting
news, like the arrival of the first day of spring, to the professionals.
Maybe they’ll put it on the front page with some nice photos.
If The Deatheater knows what’s good for it, then the editorial
board should probably just all stop doing what we do. We’re not
informing anyone of anything and never get any facts right. We
probably don’t even know how to read. In fact, if the rumors we hear
about ourselves are true, we’re probably all wasted right now, three
sheets to the wind and producing a newspaper anyway. We’re going
to go do something blasphemous like editorialize on an unjust policy
and then maybe let a columnist write an opinion in the space allotted
just for that. Maybe we’ll get really crazy and break a story about the
administration trying to keep something secret that actually affects
students.
Someone reading this should probably step in and stop us. But not
before they pass the gin.
Editor's note:
The column that was intended for this space was too obscene even
for The Deatheater’s standards. Its contents included but were not
limited to:
-sixty “fuck”s
-fourteen “shit”s
-one “cunt”
-five mentions of forcible sodomy and rape
-on a midget
-who was blind
-and had only one leg
-and was possibly a leper
-three calls to action involving maiming
-a brief recollection of “2 girls, 1 cup”
Which was all fine and dandy, really. It was laid out on the page
when we noticed
-one request that students vote for Ron Paul
Oh, hell no.
With the sincerest of apologies,
The Deatheater’s Editorial Board
The Maneater 5
Reach Puh-puh Pushawhale, Greenpeace activist, at [email protected]
thedeatheater
Lord Steveseymort, Deatheater-in-chief — [email protected]
Ray o' iPhone, The 300 percent better — [email protected]
Letter to the Editor
I am absolutely furious
with the Deatheater’s endorsement of New York Sen. Hillary
Clinton and Arizona Sen. John
McCain. As usual, I’m thoroughly disappointed in the
media’s bias toward traditional
candidates that fit the political mold and lack of effort in
finding candidates that match
my belief, my values and my
palate.
If you think this primary
season has exhausted all your
options in attractive presidential candidates, think again. Go
independent, and I’m not talking Bloomberg or Lieberman
or Nader. Those nut jobs don’t
have the cajones.
In this turbulent election
year, it’s important to remember what we’re all looking for
in a leader: independence, fearlessness, creativity, someone
who puts elbow grease in his
or her work and bacon grease
in his or her salads. That’s
right: I want Food Network’s
belle of the ball Paula Deen on
the ballot this November.
Ignore your knee-jerk reactions, readers. The media has
conned you into thinking a
television cooking sensation
could not take the position of
commander in chief.
She’s super friendly, has
great judgment and can whip
up a pitcher of mojitos that
would make Ronald Reagan
and your grandma proud. Tell
me that’s not a presidential
skill when you’re trying to
schmooze Nicolas Sarkozy.
AND tell me this doesn’t
relieve just a couple of people who wanted to vote for
the first woman president,
but just didn’t think Clinton
could screw the pooch. Deen
is woman enough for three
heads-of-state.
Plus she’s got a sweet Southern
dialect, and that always fares well
in elections: W. Bush, Clinton,
Carter, Andrew Jackson. She’d
be like a more delightful Mike
Huckabee — and trust me, that’s
hard to do.
Think about it: Presidents’
Day chock full of pumpkin
bars, budgets balanced with
blintzes, wars solved over chocolate pancakes. You know she
would single-handedly try to
solve world hunger. She would
go from country to country,
spooning grits to every malnourished child she could find.
“I’m a goin’ put some meat on
your bones,” she would say,
and-trust me, sugar — she
would.
The other day I was watching Paula’s Party on TV, and
Paula made a hamburger
with an egg and bacon on it.
Then she did the unthinkable:
as opposed to using regular
buns, she used Krispy Kreme
doughnuts. Tell me that’s not
genius.
I want that in my commander in chief. Paula is my girl. She
should be yours, too, y’all.
Paula Dean Lover,
ilovedeepfriedgoodness@
food.com
bingbang
6 Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Bounty Movies
JOAY Plainiew,
Babe on the beach, at [email protected]
The Deatheater
‘Touch My Body’ inspiring
Mess Lamp
Staff Cabana Gurl
JOAY Plainview’s
Boba Fett Tattoo
Movie Columnist
Katherine Heigl
strikes back
Reviewer’s Rating: 10 Ms out of 5
As a tattoo, I obviously don’t get out
much. So let me tell you — getting to see
“27 Dresses” made the real me’s time in
the Sarlacc Pit seem like a vacation to
Sandals, Jamaica.
This is the type of movie that makes
me want to be a teardrop tattoo, and not
because I shanked someone in the showers the night before, but because it actually touches your very soul — whether or
not you are a clone.
The ever-glowing Katherine Heigl
(“Grey’s Anatomy,” anyone?) stars opposite James Marsden (“Superman Returns,”
“X-Men”), and the results could not be
any more electrifying.
Even smacky Tusken Raiders will
enjoy a true
return of the
romantic comedy “27 Dresses”
Movie: ‘27 Dresses’
symbolizes.
Director:
When
you
Anne Fletcher
Featuring:
see these two
Katherine Heigl,
misplaced lovers
James Marsden
marry in the end,
Rating: PG-13
you can actually
Running Time:
1 hour, 47 minutes
feel the Force of
love welling up
inside you.
After 27 runs as a bridesmaid, Jane
(Heigl) is forced to decide whether or not
she is willing to be her sister’s bridesmaid
when this bitch of a sister snatches Jane’s
secret love away.
Things become more complicated
when Kevin (Marsden) enters the picture and a fighty-lovey-winky relationship
develops. If this isn’t Han falling for Leia
all over again, I don’t know what is.
This story might seem like it came
from a long, long time ago to some, but
most of the performances really take
things to the next galaxy.
Judy Greer, an actress who is in every
movie you see but will never land a major
leading role on the big screen, is a bit
droid-like as Casey, but Marsden and
Heigl’s chemistry made me lose it.
My jetpack malfunctioned, and my
blasters set to auto-fire. Even with hints
of unoriginality, “27 Dresses” manages
to come off entirely enchanting, with
enough of a twist to make Tatooine’s twin
suns burn bright.
This sophomore effort from choreographer Anne Fletcher, whose only other
directing credit is “Step Up” (another
personal favorite), is anything but dull.
Everything feels natural, and the charm
flies at light speed. Paired with the extraordinary talent of Heigl and Marsden,
Fletcher could not have done wrong.
I know what you’re thinking - how
could a badass tattoo like Boba Fett get all
worked up by such an obvious chick flick?
Well, shut it.
My thermal detonators are all in place,
but I have a heart too. A
nd unless Katherine Heigl is playing
Jedi mind tricks on me, I truly am in love
with her and “27 Dresses.”
MOVIE
REVIEW
A strange new phenomenon is taking
place in towns across America. It is feared
that this trend might soon spread to our
neighboring countries, and some sociologists predict that it will go even further. The
skeevy acts are likely to occur in any area
that has access to either a radio or MTV.
The culprit of all the pandemonium is
Mariah Carey. Her newest single, “Touch
My Body,” has incited sex-crazed men and
women to touch each other. It seems Carey
has found a way to brainwash listeners
to welcome any touches that might befall
them while the song is playing.
Sheriff Justin Dabooty of Miami was one
of the first to notice that something weird
happened every time the song is played.
“I was cruising one night, looking for
drunks, when all of a sudden I looked out
my window and saw a young thug with
spiky hair putting his paws all over the
breasts of a young teen girl,” Dabooty said.
That night, he shook his head, wondering what the world was coming to. But
when he opened his eyes to continue to
look for delinquents, he saw hundreds of
people groping each other. In fact, traffic
had stopped because the drivers had gotten
out of their cars to get in on this sidewalk
action.
“I got out of the car to make it all stop,
when I heard that song,” DaBooty said as he
shuddered. “I don’t know what came over
me, but when her words reached my ears, I
looked across the street next to a taco stand
and saw an 80-year-old lady lip-synching.
There was something about her singing
that put me in a trance, and I blindly walked
over to her,” DaBooty said, pausing now, not
wanting to go on.
“When I got to her, I put my hand right
on her ass and gave it a squeeze. The old
lady giggled, which told me she wanted me
to touch her body some more. So I gyrated
all over this poor, old woman, right there in
public,” he said. “She could really get down
for someone who needs a walker to stand.”
But, after the song stopped, everyone
snapped out of their trance and went back
to their cars like nothing happened.
“I just want everyone to know that if they
ask me to touch their bodies, I will, but I will
Photo courtesy of IMA STALKERRR
Mariah Carey touches herself. A lot. And she’s making everyone else do it as her new song
develops into a worldwide epidemic.
feel dirty afterwards,” DaBooty said.
Not everyone thinks this brainwashing
thing is so bad. But those people are generally the ones that use it to their advantage.
“I love what this song does to women,” a
gawky 20-something in nothing but a tropical print Speedo, who asked to be referred to
as “Cabana Boy,” said.
“It used to be that I could never get any
action from the ladies unless I shelled out
money on dinner and flowers and told them
I was related to Colin Farrell, but now it’s
easy,” he said. “I simply walk around with my
boom box blaring this song, and the women
pretty much flock me.”
Perhaps to demonstrate, or because he
found this reporter pretty, he pushed play.
If there hadn’t been a camcorder rolling, I
wouldn’t have remembered a thing.
The tape is too graphic to describe in
detail, but it involves lots of thrusting, panting and copious amounts of oil being rubbed
along my lower back. After the song was
over, I couldn’t remember a thing. I felt a bit
sticky, but otherwise fine.
“See, this thing is a godsend, really,”
Cabana Boy said. “No one gets hurt, and I
have a lot more fun in my life.”
No one really knows how exactly this
song works its voodoo, but scientists are
trying to create a song that will counteract
the affect of “Touch My Body.” A possible
remedy is to listen to Clay Aiken’s “Invisible”
every morning, because nothing could trick
someone into feeling lustful after he or she
has woken up to the sounds of Aiken.
Razorlight say Raconteurs steal idea
Patty Daughtry
There Already Was Blood
Bet you thought that double-secret, ultraconfidential rush release of The Raconteurs’
second album, Consolers of the Lonely, was
pretty cool didn’t ya? Well think again. In
the wake of The ‘Teurs’ “groundbreaking”
experiment, it has come to light that they are
in fact not the first band to pull such a trick.
“We did this ages ago,” Jonnie Borrello
of uber-successful and revered U.K. band
Razorlite claimed earlier this week. “After
our self-titled album leaked months before
it was supposed to come out, we wanted
to take special measures this time to make
sure that no one got it before anyone else.
Everyone at the same time you know?”
So what did the visionary Borrello and his
bandmates do?
“It is quite revolutionary, really,” he said
cackling with delight. “To make sure our
third album didn’t leak out before we intended it to be out, we released it six months ago
under a different name, playing different
instruments, playing a different style of music
and singing in a different language! This way,
people didn’t see a leaked ‘Razorlite’ album
on the P2P networks before it was supposed
to be out! In fact, this has been so successful,
that we may never release another Razorlite
album ever again.”
Jack White, idea stealer?
“Bloody hell, yes. It is obvious we did it
first — and we’ve done it better. Our third
album still isn’t on the blogs or the P2Ps.
People don’t even know it is out, and that is
exactly what we intended to accomplish.”
But what does Borrello say to the claim
that the album might not constitute a true
Razorlite album if it is under a different
name and in a different style and language?
“That’s not the point,” he said. “The point
is, it has not leaked. Leaks have been plaguing
the record industry worse than anything else
for years now. Do you have a leaked copy?
Does your mum have a leaked copy? No. And
it has been what, six months? Nothing we
have ever done has been this successful.”
But what is Razorlite done about touring
behind their third album?
“That has been one of the drawbacks, not
being able to tour. Part of keeping it from
leaking is not promoting it or acknowledging its existence. So no, we have not been
able to tour — well under the name Razorlite
that is. We have toured under the phony
name with the phony style and such, but it
has not been as successful as a Razorlite tour
though. People don’t much like samba-electronica sung in Swahili.”
Borrello said it has been worth it though.
“Oh absolutely. Again, did you know there
was a new Razorlite album out? I think it is
fair to say we have pulled this off, and much
better than The Raconteurs,” he said.
“Since they’ve gone that extra step and
acknowledged the album’s existence, people
know it is them now and they are trading
the songs on blogs and P2P networks. We,
as you can guess, have not had that problem.
Razorlite: ahead of the curve as usual.”
omg,we’re no.1
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Some generic sports column
Roger the Shrubber at [email protected]
The Deatheater 7
KU coach Mangino explodes
Dan Angell's Hat
Staff Hat
A Robot
[email protected]
Sport happens
When you talk about the teams that could
come out of the (insert professional or college
division or conference name here), you can't
leave out (insert team name). I mean, they
have won (number) of their last (number)
games in (insert unnecessary superlative)
fashion.
The (insert pointless word like "renaissance") of (team name) has been due in large
part to the (superlative) play of their (heart
and soul/captain/team leader), (insert name
and position). (last name) has been (insert
lazily thought up superlative) over the last
(time period), averaging (insert basic and easily available stats that make the reader believe
the columnist actually spent more than 20
minutes writing). That's (superlative)!
But a major credit goes out to their coach,
(insert name). (last name) is a true (American
sports hero/legend/comeback story), having
(toiled/wallowed) in (insert obscure team
name in obscure sports league) for the past
(number) years.
But thanks to (insert some cheesy inspirational phrase), he has (team name) in (number) place, and in contention to win the
(insert name of division or conference again)
for the first time since (year).
"(Insert generic and possibly madeup quote from star player)," (player) said.
"(Continue quote with that is made up of even
more clichés and bad grammar, while still
saying nothing of substance)."
I couldn't have said it any better myself. In
my (big number) years covering (insert name
of city) area sports, I would be (insert word
similar to challenge, but bigger, so the reader
thinks the columnist is actually smart) to find
another group of (number) guys that have
played with the same amount of (insert name
of body part/organ) as these (number).
It is a true (testament/claim) to the vision
that (insert name of team owner or college
athletic director) had when he took over
(team/college) all the way back in (insert year
that was a long time ago).
"(Insert generic quote from the owner
about how everything he ever hoped and
wished for in life has finally come to fruition)," (last name of owner/athletic director)
told me (insert date quote was acquired to
act like serious reporting was done and the
columnist hasn't actually been mailing in
columns for the last five years). "(Insert more
generic crap and then some sort of not-funny
zinger)."
(Last name of owner) and I have not
always seen eye to eye; most notably when
(insert reference to columnist's own previous work to get the reader to visit his archive
on the newspaper's Web site). But I will give
him credit; he has been patient and let the
(insert superlative) take course over time.
He could have fired (insert team coach's
name) or panicked and traded away (insert
star player's name). But he held fast and fans
of (insert team name) should (thank him/kiss
his feet/blow him in the back of a Civic).
"(Insert unnecessary quote)," (insert name
of coach/general manager/athletic director of
another team/school that may remain nameless) said. "(Insert more unnecessary shit)."
(Insert pointless final zinger).
The Lawrence, Kan., area is in stunned
shock following the death of Kansas football coach Mark Mangino.
The coach, 51, exploded at a local
Wendy's on Thursday after eating his 97th
Stack Attack sandwich in 10 minutes.
"A group of teenagers saw Mr. Mangino
walk into the Wendy's and said he couldn't
eat 20 Stack Attacks," McLovin Jenkins
of the Douglas County (Kan.) Coroner's
Office said. "Mangino apparently said, and
I quote, 'Bitches, I'll eat 100.' Tragically, he
only made it to 97."
One of the teenagers who challenged
Mangino, KU freshman Jimmy Jibberish,
said upon consuming his final sandwich,
the earth below him began to shake, and
Mangino exploded.
"There was grease everywhere, it was
awful, and apparently his heart was producing Mello Yello instead of blood,"
Jibberish, 18, said. "It was nasty. And I
mean, I guess our football team is screwed.
But who the hell eats 97 sandwiches in 10
minutes? That wasn't even human."
Douglas County prosecutors have said
the four teens will not be charged with a
crime, because anyone who eats 97 double
cheeseburgers probably deserves that.
"If anything, it was about time," county
prosecutor Dick Burns said. "What did he
weigh, like 750 pounds? I thought it was
bullshit that a fat-ass like Mangino, who
couldn't beat MU last year, gets to live
healthily while a great obese rapper like
Big Pun dies of heart failure. But I guess
the Stack Attack is the great equalizer."
According to Wendy's Web site, the
$1.49 Stack Attack has 380 calories and
20 grams of fat. That means Mangino
consumed 36,860 calories and 1,940 grams
of fat.
Nutritionist Ivana Mann said even for a
person of Mangino's size, that much food
is dangerous.
"Mangino's daily food intake was just
18,000 calories," Mann said. "If you double
that in 10 minutes, you will explode. It's
simple science."
Darebear Milosevich/Senior Staff Paparazzi
Kansas football coach Mark Mangino farts on the sidelines of the game at Arrowhead
Stadium. Mangino exploded at a local fast food restaurant after consuming way too
many calories for his own good.
Entire MU croquet team arrested after brawl
Sham Wilshon
Staff Couch Sleeper
After an epic brawl in downtown
Columbia that lasted 14 hours and
claimed 37 lives, the entire Missouri croquet team has been arrested for their
roles in the altercation, even though none
of the players admit to even being present at the fracas outside of Artemis Night
Club on the corner of Slapp and Moth
streets.
“We just figured that with the trouble
the Missouri croquet team got themselves
into this year, they had to be responsible,”
MU Police Capt. Ryan Weiner said.
Eyewitnesses outside the club say the
fight began when a group of men outside Artemis got into an altercation with
another group of about six people around
1 a.m. Friday. According to police reports,
the two groups were arguing over who
the Carly Simon song, “You’re So Vain,”
is about.
“Apparently one side thought that she
wrote the song about Kris Kristofferson,
and another group thought it was about
Warren Beatty,” Weiner said. “So naturally
they just had to just throw the fuck down.”
After about two hours of consistent
fighting, the battle had grown to having
hundreds of people on each side.
“Have you ever seen the movie ‘300?’,”
said 27-year old witness Ihava Hardonn,
of Centralia. “It was exactly like that.
Someone even yelled ‘This is Sparta’ and
everything.”
When the police arrived at 3 p.m.
Friday, more than 14 hours after the
start of the fight, more than three dozen
people were dead.
With witnesses willing to aid investigators, the MU Police said they knew to
explore the main source of violence in
Columbia: the Missouri croquet team.
All 12 players and transfer Congo Trailer
were all arrested and charged with thirddegree assault. All pleaded not guilty and
said they weren’t even in Columbia when
the fights happened.
“Look, just because we normally get in
fights and cause general mayhem doesn’t
mean we did this,” junior forward Amare
Karrall said. “This is stereotyping at its
worst.”
Coach Mitch Shmanderson said he
has “zero-tolerance” for the alleged
assaults.
“This is why we came up with zero-tolerance,” he said. “I will make a half-assed
suspension of key players for the next
must-win game to make sure we lose, but
to also make sure that I receive as much
positive publicity as possible. Then, after
I cannot get any more fluff pieces written
about me in the newspaper, I will un-suspend the players and pretend like I never
came up with a zero-tolerance policy in
the first place.”
But Karrall and others said they were
on a team trip to Disney World, which
may or may not have been paid for by
boosters, a violation of NCAA rules that
would make Quin Snyder jealous.
“The Wal-Mart guy hooked it up for
us, man,” Karrall said. “You ever been to
Epcot? Shit’s off the chain. Thanks to the
Laurie fam- oh fuck, shit, I shouldn’t have
said that. Gimme that tape recorder!”
Weiner said he would ask Boone
County Prosecutor Daniel K. Knight to
seek the death penalty against the MU
croquet team.
“I don’t know if they even have the
death penalty on third-degree assault,
but do I give a fuck?” he said. “I’m Ryan
Weiner, bitch! Don’t fuck with me.”
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Daniel Night-Lewis Impersonator
JOAY Plainview
Be (with) a
beast in bed
Wassup, ladies and gents! It’s another week
and another raunchy sex column straight out of
yo’ boy JOAY’s rectum!
This week I want to get serious and talk about
that real nasty shit we all love to do but don’t
get to talk about much: bestiality. That’s right
— gettin’ it on with those super furry animals.
Let’s start off with the “do’s” of bestiality.
First, do pick a partner that wants to be with
you. You don’t want to straddle a horse just to
get kicked upside the head by a hoof. In any
event, bring yo’ helmet! It’s bound to get buck
wild.
For all those nasties who like “water sports”
(I hear ya!), try going at it with a salmon or a
tuna. The former are all about bestiality (they
go upstream, ya know?) and the latter like the
smell. Sharks can get a little sloppy, but if you’re
into that wild shit, give it a shot. The worst you
can do is lose your ding-a-ling.
If you can get past the emotional hurdles, getting freaky with your childhood friends Fido or
Garfield can be a great experience for you both.
Already knowing the animal will get you more
instantaneous pleasure and intimacy, even if it’s
a little creepy. But who ain’t a freak at heart?
You know all those toys you bought your pet
for Christmas? You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?
Damn straight. Toys like that can be brought
into the doghouse too. Tug-o-war will take on a
whole other meaning when you’re getting freak
nasty with your neighbor’s dog. Catnip will take
you and that foxy feline into orbit.
It’s time to move on to the “don’t’s” of bestiality. One time I was with this beast in bed,
a regular Daddy Long Crocodile (you know
the type — scaly and ferocious). She wuz sooo
fantastic, I just couldn’t keep my wiener from
sneezing early. Fellas, be careful not to let the
little white mice run out of the cage too soon.
It’ll cum to an end way too early, and you’ll never
get a piece of that tail again.
Role-playing is tough, but if you’ve got a welltrained animal in your hands, it’s to die for. Ever
had a dog spank you or a fish put you in a net?
I can’t stress this enough: Wrap it up! These
days you can never be sure who’s got parvo
or mad cow. One of my friends went into a
coma for three years after refusing to wait long
enough to buy some rubbers before getting it on
with an alpaca. Besides all this, you don’t need
to be bringing a mutant alpaca/human hybrid
into the world at age 19.
When you finally bring your newfound “special friend” home to meet your parents, be careful. All sorts of people are allergic to animals.
You don’t want your pops to offend your feline
friend.
It has been my general experience that birds
are not the bestiality type. While a few enjoy riding the Homo sapiens’ nasty train, these guys,
as birds of a feather, tend to flock together. As
hotty-hot as those peacocks may be, it’s just not
worth gettin’ your ta-ta’s pecked, girls. That is,
unless you’re into that freak shit. Yeeeeah.
My last piece of advice is fo’ all you meat-eaters out there: Be careful which animals you fuck.
Fast-forward a couple of days and you might
just be eating them (again).
So there you have it, freaks and nasty gurls.
When you get that good ol’ animalistic urge,
don’t hold back.
lupe $enate, certifiably kosher, at [email protected]
The Deatheater 8
Chasing mice, indie bands
Blanche Daugherty was a born
businesscat.
As a kitten, Blanche sold catnip on
street corners to support her family’s growing litter. But after a series of cat fights
landed the kitten in jail, Blanche turned
her focus to the business world. It was this
struggle to survive that taught Blanche the
importance of cunning in a dog-eat-cat
world.
“To be the cat’s meow in the music
industry, you have to be resourceful,”
Blanche says. “If your bands are furballs,
you move on. You can’t stop to help everyone out if you want to survive. I don’t run
a pet-sitting service. I’m here to make the
big bucks.”
A chance encounter with Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo in Brooklyn brought
music into Blanche’s life. When the altrock luminary took Blanche to Weezer’s
show that night, the two began a mentor-disciple relationship that continues to
this day.
By age two, Blanche has already begun
to manage independent emo bands Make
Out and Knife Fight. Three years and many
grey whiskers later she decided to form her
own record label, Kat Jammas, after relocating to Columbia. Following a string of
regional hits, Kat Jammas was on the verge
of mainstream success, and Blanche, now
seven, was becoming well known for her
antics as a record head.
But after nine lives spent earning a reputation as a cat not afraid to play dirty in
the “litterbox” she calls the music industry,
Blanche has received little of the attention
she deserves.
“If I’ve risen to the top, it’s because
COURTESY OF KAT JAMMAS
After nine lives in the music industry,
Blanche Daugherty stepped down from
her position at Kat Jammas to focus on
her other interests — hunting and crossstitching.
I clawed my way there,” Blanche says,
breathing out the latest drag from her
Marlboro — her seventh one today.
Her whiskers are frazzled. Even on her
daily smoking break, Blanche spends much
of her free time delegating work and driving bargains in a constantly frantic effort
to keep Kat Jammas out of the red. Her cell
phone stays glued to her fur as she claps
her paws at Jordan Gallagher, the assistant
to her assistant.
“Don’t just stand there! Get back to
work!”
She turns back, noticeably embarrassed.
“You know how it is,” Blanche says.
“When the cat’s away, the mice will play.”
Since things began to get hairy again
for Blanche and Kat Jammas last year, the
label-owner’s outlook has grown serious.
After a close brush with curiosity, Blanche’s
divisive influence led to accusations that
she was bringing the label bad luck.
“That’s discrimination based on fur
color,” Blanche says. “I wasn’t going to
stand for that kind of catty behavior. I had
to pull the string on the entire operation.”
The black fur stereotypes soon grew
into a game of cat-and-mouse from which
Blanche saw no escape. For the good of
the label, she put her business on hold for
a year to rid it of the bad blood the 8-yearold feline now attributes to “cat scratch
fever.”
“I don’t want to hiss and tell, but for
a while there, things were hard,” Blanche
says, her regret noticeable in her purr.
“They were putting me into ‘cat’egories
that had no business in the workplace.
But then I realized: If we were going to go
out, it would be with a bang. And I had the
purrfect solution.”
When Kat Jammas began to crumble,
Blanche put on the company pants and
partied — literally. She ended the label
she had owned for years with a goingout-of-business bash those who attended
call “the best hissy fit Columbia has ever
seen.”
“The most important thing to remember is that for a while, Blanche was on top
of the world,” Kat Jammas vice president
Garfield Milkens says. “A cat once owned
a record company. Imagine that.”
JOAY Plainview and
Chelsea (middle name omitted)
Gallagher | of the BLANCHE staff
Neil Diamond is a colossal creeper
Like the Boston Red Sox, the city of
Brisbane, Australia, and many a college
student after one too many pitchers of
the cheapest beer Big 12 has on tap, we
here at BLANCHE absolutely love Neil
Diamond. His infectious pop songs continue to enchant and delight, delight and
enchant. We caught up with the singer
before he began his 2008 European tour,
heading first to Rotterdam to ask him
about the inspirations to his many classic tunes, and what he’s been doing with
those sideburns.
BLANCHE Magazine: How are you,
Neil?
Neil Diamond: Never been better. We’ll
be kicking off our European tour in May,
and that’ll be quite a treat. They love me
in Holland, man.
BLANCHE: You recently made headlines when you revealed that “Sweet
Caroline” was about Caroline Kennedy,
President John F. Kennedy’s daughter.
ND: That’s right, yes.
BLANCHE: Dude. You know she was,
like, 11 years old when you wrote that,
right?
ND: Yes, well ... actually, she was nine
when I got the inspiration to write the
song.
BLANCHE: Hasn’t that ever struck you
— or your fans — as being mildly creepy?
ND: I don’t know what you mean.
BLANCHE: Well ... I don’t know, Neil.
Maybe that fact that you were 22 and you
wrote a song about a girl half your age
that includes the lyrics “touching me/
touching you.”
ND: Look. I really don’t see what the
big deal is about “Sweet Caroline.” It’s a
great song, it’s totally catchy ... see this
is why I shouldn’t have said anything. If I
hadn’t said anything, everyone would just
keep on enjoying the song per usual. And
anyways, Caroline Kennedy loved it, and
that’s all that matters. This whole thing,
you know, this whole thing is ridiculous.
No one gives Michael Jackson any shit
for writing a romantic song about a male
rat.
BLANCHE: Michael Jackson was also
commissioned to write “Ben” for the film
of the same name. You wrote this on your
own free will about a girl who was half
your age.
ND: Look, kid. Is this entire interview
going to be about “Sweet Caroline”?
BLANCHE: I have more questions, if
that’s what you mean.
ND: Then please, proceed.
BLANCHE: Was “Girl, You’ll Be A
Woman Soon” also about Caroline
Kennedy?
ND: No.
BLANCHE: Because that would make
perfect sense, you know ...
ND: I SAID NO.
BLANCHE: Geez. Okay. Well, you’ve
had a number of collaborators over the
years. Who has been your favorite to work
with?
ND: Oh, Streisand, hands down. It’s
true what those women on “Saturday
Night Live” said. She is, truly, like buttah.
BLANCHE: You have also appeared in
a number of films, such as the 1980s classic, “The Jazz Singer.” What has been your
favorite film role?
ND: Without a doubt, it was play-
ing the role of Neil Diamond in “Saving
Silverman.” Getting to work alongside
Hollywood veteran Jason Biggs was the
biggest thrill of my life. It’s a shame that
son of a gun hasn’t found more work as
of late. He could be the next Tom Cruise,
if only they could give him the right roles.
He has such fabulous cheekbones.
BLANCHE: Jason Biggs was also half
your age at the time of filming.
ND: Erroneous. An erroneous detail
at best.
BLANCHE: So what are you working
on now?
ND: My newest album is called Home
Before Dark and will be released in May
of this year. And no, before you ask, there
will be no songs about the children of
presidents or presidential candidates.
BLANCHE: Not even Chelsea Clinton?
That would only be, like, half as creepy.
ND: No ma’am. But there will be a collaboration with R&B singer/former call
girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre. We’re remixing her hit track, “What We Want” as a
special bonus track on my new album.
BLANCHE: We here at BLANCHE are
big on facial hair. Now, we’re vaguely disappointed that the great Neil Diamond
has yet to grow a beard, but we are wondering — how do you keep those fabulous
sideburns so well maintained?
ND: I don’t have any sideburns.
BLANCHE: Seriously? I could have
sworn you used to have these fabulous
sideburns.
ND: Nope. Just a receding hairline now.
Hate to disappoint you like that.
lupe $enate | certifiably kosher