Cash for Kern Millionaires

Our country, right and wrong.
Vol II, No 3 ....Joe Bertia, editor....FREE! (You get what you pay for) [email protected]
Cash for Kern Clunkers
Cash for Kern Millionaires
Carvin Baskerfield, reporting
Marcus Kay, Local Editor
The sale of new cars at River Chevrolet in
O i l d a l e i s b e t t e r t h a n k s t o t h e g o v e r n m e n t ’s
C a s h f o r C l u n k e r s p r o g r a m . I m e t o w n e ro p e r a t o r Z a c k J o h n s o n o n Tu e s d a y a n d w e
surveyed his back lot. Said Johnson, "About
three or four times a day a trailer pulls in
here with something that more often than not
d o e s n ' t e v e n r e s e m b l e a r e a l c a r. T h e s e f o l k s
are very inventive."
While other dealers say most cars
turned in are operational, Johnson sees ones
missing windows, lights, doors, or tires,
sometimes all. One family brought in an old
welding machine and swore it was "one of
them antique vehicles." Salesman Ricky
Whiteman added, "They bring in cars with
Hefty bags over the windows and act like
they're unloading real gems, but most of the
time they’re just old heaps of decorative
junk for their front yards that provide safehavens for half-wild dogs. Those cars are
d a n g e r o u s . I r e a l l y d o n ’t c a r e i f t h e t a i l l i g h t s
have red duct tape over them, or if they’re
missing seats, or even if the gas cap is a
WWF tee shirt, but I’m scared of the ones
that have ammunition hidden in cans of
gasoline in the trunk.
Real estate professionals feel
o p t i m i s t i c . A u d o r a K a y, o w n e r o f O i l d a l e
R e a l t y, L L C . , c l a i m s t h a t h e r i n - h o m e
b u s i n e s s i s h a v i n g a b a n n e r y e a r. S h e
attributes the up-tick to lower prices and
c l e a n e r n e i g h b o r h o o d s . " A b s o l u t e l y. A n i c e r
yard adds hundreds of dollars to the value of
a n O i l d a l e p r o p e r t y. S o m e o u t o f t o w n
c u s t o m e r s a r e t u r n e d o ff b y m o s q u i t o i n f e s t e d s p a s , r u s t i n g a c e t y l e n e c y l i n d e r s ,(See 2)
By day, Nigel looks like an ordinary millionaire living among many others
in one of Bakersfield's more posh districts, but by night he and his partner
stock shelves and crush boxes at a popular Latino grocery store on
Bakersfield's east side.
"I can't take it anymore." says Nigel. “Sure, our home is beautiful --twostory, 5,800 square-feet, three-and-a-half bathrooms, four-car garage, lovely
landscaping and pool, but we’re living a lie. Neighbors think we’re stock
brokers who commute to Westwood in our Bimmer 760Li. Nobody knows we
leased it in Valencia without a credit check and nothing down. Heck, I really
only own one car. It’s the '96 Mustang I got from my parents. It’s covered up
in the garage."
Nigel and his partner decided to come clean about their double lives after
neighbors invited them over for a nice Gewürztraminer and lobster bisque.
"When they brought out the wine I noticed the corkscrew because it wasn't
from Sharper Image. But the big tip-off came at the salad course. None of us
had a little fork. When I mentioned it, they acted like it was no big deal, but
anybody who's anybody knows it is. Moments later they both started sobbing
and told me they weren't really high power attorneys. He works at Keegle
auto parts, and Maurice is on unemployment. The four of us spent the rest of
the evening discussing our bills and trying to figure out how we could stay in
our homes with the busted economy. We feel like we're the real victims of this
recession. This was our American dream, and now it's evaporating. Hours
later we agreed the public needed to know, and that’s when I called the
Weevil. "
Local real estate agent Sheryl Crimmins told me, "Most homes sold here
in Stockdale Estates were adjustables, no money down, and easy credit, and
even then most of these families couldn't afford them. Besides, how long
would you live in Bakersfield if you were a real millionaire?"
(continued page 2)
Christian Games Coming Soon
Olympics to Bakersfield !
Christian Fowler reporting
The Evangelical Christian Olympics Committee of
America has named Bakersfield, California as one of three US
cities under prayerful consideration for the first-ever
International Christian Olympics. Competitors bring not only
superb physical conditioning to the games, but also deep
knowledge of the Holy Bible, firm understanding of Christian
science, and phenomenal resistance to the temptations of lust,
envy, gluttony, sloth, greed, anger, and pride.
Bakersfield pastor Mark E. Calvin, who has been busily
promoting Oildale and East Bakersfield to the ICOC,
explained, "The games will provide an economic boost for
both communities, give our kids new role models, and
strengthen our resolve for the Second Coming, unless there is a
Level 4 smog alert.” Pastor Mark paused and raised his arms, “
The sky is full of fire and smoke, the sun is all darkness, and
the moon is blood. Acts 2:19-21.”
An important event in the games is Christian Archery
where competitors demonstrate their speed, accuracy and faith
while shooting arrows at stationary and moving targets,
including images of Satan, gays, Pope Benedict, Joseph Smith,
Charles Darwin, and Albert Einstein.
In another challenge of self-denial and blind faith, the
Temptation Marathon will start in Oildale across from Trout's.
Runners face physical challenges and spiritual temptations as
the course passes Teaser Pleaser, Deja Vu Club, the Wildcat
Bookstore, and the GET bus station. Runners approaching the
finish line must struggle mightily past the Buena Vista
Museum of Natural History and again perceive Satan at City
Hall and the District Attorney Office’s.
(Clunkers)
... and feral cats, so removing the old cars has
helped a lot.
Most eighters will never get full dollar for
their cars if they take them to Bakersfield, but
Johnson gives $10 to $50 even for hulks. We
stopped “Red” who’d just pushed-in a Dodge
Caravan and asked him what he thought of the
program. "We didn't get that new car Mother
wanted, but we did get this check. I hope
Gas&Shop cashes it for me this late. I need some
smokes and a Forty after doing all that work
getting her done.”
In Brotherly Boxing the rules of Olympic boxing apply, but at
the end of three rounds the garland goes to the fighter who gives
the most sincere hug and Christian apology to his adversary.
In women’s sport, it’s expected that 25-meter shooting will be
popular with local fans. Originally devised to promote stability in
Christian marriages, it is now shot with a .44-caliber Glock instead
of a .22.
Christian athletes are excited about the games, like Christian
rugby player Andrew Weber who stands 6'4'' and 250-lbs. Andy
explained, "I've always been repelled by professional rugby
because of its ungodliness, but I really enjoy Christian rugby. It’s
true we wear white gloves and say please and thank you when we
want the ball passed, but you never hear foul language, even when
a parishioner breaks his leg. It’s the real rugby that God intended. "
Pastor Mark is praying that Bakersfield is chosen for the
games, but he is a realist Christian, "Regardless, I know in my
heart that the Christian Olympics will do for sports what Christian
heavy metal and Christian rap have done for the church, and that
will be a glorious day for the Lord!”
(Millionaires)
If what Sheryl Crimmins reports is true, then Maurice and
Paul have many other neighbors who are attorneys and
brokers by day and mechanics and waitresses by night. But
for now, Nigel goes back to the store every night returning
misplaced boxes of Twinkies to the whole foods isle, and
stacking bags of premium dog chow. He is realistic. "I have
my eye on a smaller property in the Oaks. It's just 3,900
feet, and only a three -car garage, but it just came down in
price and I’m talking with a lender who just moved here
from the Dominican Republic. It'll be a step down for us,
sure, but at least we won't be suffering like we are now.”
Crime Report
DRAGON GIRL ESCAPES CHARGES
(Jane Devin, Los Angeles Chronicle) Bakersfield police announced that no
c h a r g e s w o u l d b e f i l e d a g a i n s t r a v e n - h a i r e d L o n To n g N g y u e n d e s p i t e h u n d r e d s o f
customer complaints against the eight year-old pedicurist. Ngyuen, also known as
D ra g o n G i r l a m o n g h e r r e t u r n c u s t o m e r s , w a s v i n d i c a t e d b y t o d a y ’s r e p o r t .
D u r i n g a n i n t e r v i e w i n t h e b a s e m e n t s a l o n o f h e r p a r e n t ' s h o m e ( L o n To n g w a s
in-between math tutoring, chess team, college prep courses, piano, and golf
lessons) she muttered to reporters, "Crybabies. They wanted pretty feet, but can't
handle a little pain. I have no pity for them." When MJ Hlatky commented that
L o n To n g g o t s a d i s t i c p l e a s u r e f r o m m a k i n g c u s t o m e r s w r i t h e i n p a i n , t h e l i t t l e
girl only giggled and held her pink appliquéd nails to her cute, bow-shaped mouth.
" S u r e , s h e l o o k s a d o r a b l e , " s a i d f o r m e r c u s t o m e r M a r y a n n e B u t l e r, " a n d s h e ' s
got those deft, tiny hands, but just show her an ingrown toenail or two, and she's
a b s o l u t e l y r u t h l e s s . S h e d i g s a n d d i g s a n d d i g s . . . a n d s h e ’s g o t t h i s f i x e d l o o k o f
determination in her eyes that's just frightening." Maribel Gonzales echoed
B u t l e r ' s s e n t i m e n t s , a d d i n g t h a t L o n To n g
had been doing Gonzales’ nails since the
child opened her little shop three years
ago. "Lon was wonderful at first and did an
great job for $2 plus tip, but then I went
barefoot for the summer and skipped my
w e e k l y p e d i c u r e s w i t h h e r. W h e n I w e n t
back in the fall my heels were very
c a l l o u s e d . W e l l , L o n w e n t c r a z y. S h e
wielded that razor and pumice stone like
she was performing tableside service at
Ichiban -- and I could almost see fire
coming out of her nostrils. She chopped and
sliced on my feet like she was filleting a
f i s h . I b e g g e d a n d b e g g e d , " O w w w w, p l e a s e !
Lon, no more!" but she was determined in
her childish mission to remove every last
rough patch. I admit I left with pretty feet,
but emotionally? I was simply devastated to
b e t r e a t e d w i t h s u c h a c o m p l e t e l a c k o f c o m p a s s i o n a n d m e r c y. I t w a s h o r r i b l e . "
K e r n C o u n t y D i s t r i c t A t t o r n e y N e d Ya g e l s s c o f f e d a t t h e w o m e n ’s c o m p l a i n t s .
" L o n To n g N g y u e n i s a s h i n i n g e x a m p l e t h e t y p e o f f o c u s a n d w o r k e t h i c w e n e e d
more of here in Bakersfield. I've personally utilized her manicure services, and
t h e y l e f t m y n a i l s s h i n y, c l e a n , a n d a t t r a c t i v e . " Y a g e l s t h r e w h i s h e a d b a c k a n d
laughed, "Let me tell you a little story about Lon that exemplifies her pluck and
t e n a c i t y. L a s t w e e k I d r o v e o f f f o r g e t t i n g t o t i p h e r. T h e n e x t t h i n g I k n e w , I ' m
g l a n c i n g i n m y r e a r v i e w m i r r o r a n d s e e t h i s t i n y, f i e r c e l o o k i n g a n i m a l c h a s i n g
after my Mercedes. I slowed to 20 to see what it was, and the next thing I knew
t h a t l i t t l e d i c k e n s L o n w a s p o u n d i n g o n m y w i n d o w y e l l i n g W H E R E ' S M Y T I P,
B I T C H ? I w a s s o m o v e d I f i s h e d o u t a n e x t r a $ 2 0 a n d s h o v e d i t o u t t h e w i n d o w. I f
s h e m a k e s u p h e r m i n d t o d o i t , I ’ d s a y s h e ’s g o t a h e l l o f a f u t u r e a s a n
a t t o r n e y. "
F o r n o w, N g y u e n i s c o n t e n t t o b e a n o v e r a c h i e v i n g p e d i c u r i s t . " I n g r o w n
toenails are my favorite," she said with a mischievous smile, "especially the really
thick and deep ones. Those old women get those a lot, and if I’m lucky they're
g n a r l y, y e l l o w , a n d v e r y d i f f i c u l t t o r e m o v e . I c a n ' t g e t e n o u g h o f t h e m . " S h e
s h u t t e r e d b r i e f l y. N g y u e n ' s f a t h e r t h e n t a p e d h e r o n t h e s h o u l d e r a n d s a i d i t w a s
time to practice Rachmaninoff for a Saturday recital. She winked before closing
t h e g a r a g e d o o r, " A n d I e n j o y t h e c h a l l e n g e . "
that’s not true. Other men, and a handful of
women, have flocked to my site to tell their
stories and offer support. I only wish I’d
done this a long time ago. Maybe things
New York. The quarrel between the Gaywith Darlene wouldn’t have gone as far as
Lesbian Alliance and the United Christian
they did.”
Defense Fund came close to a solution last
Darlene Sharpinsky is the real name of
week with the "Day of Silence." Students at
Heather Morgan. Said DumbAss, “She
Savage Nation High had stopped speaking for
wanted something that sounded more
the day to focus attention on society’s
modern, more popular, so she gave herself,
marginalization of Gays and Lesbians. The
and our kids, blogging names. At first she
United Christian Defense Fund replied with
said it was to protect the family from
the "Day of Truth" to protest "detrimental
internet creeps, but it didn’t take long for
personal and social behaviors." In an
those names to take over in real life. Now
surprisingly amicable meeting yesterday both
my daughters are convinced that their
groups agreed to take turns on the remainder
names really are Coco, Elsa, and Carolina –
of the alphabet. The next demonstration goes
and that they were named after fashion
to the Gay-Lesbian Alliance who have chosen
designers.”
for their protest the word “Union,” to be used
Mike says his wife named him
in "Day of Union." The United Christian
DumbAss because all her MommyBloggers
Defense Fund will follow a week later with the disparage their husbands, and “CandyAss”
letter “V” for Victory, as in "Day of Victory."
was already taken. But it wasn’t just the
After W, X, Y, and Z are used, the two groups
name that Mike found disconcerting. His
agreed the protest words will recycle back to
wife’s blogging became an obsession that
the letter “A.” A brief fistfight broke out at
lasted from early in the morning until late
the end of the meeting when somebody
at night, and it wasn’t long before she
mistakenly thought the letter “F” would go to
convinced DumbAss that their three girls
the Gay-Lesbian Alliance.
needed to be in daycare five days a week to
work on their social skills.
“So the girls were gone all day, but I’d
come home and the house was a wreck, the
laundry was piled up, and when she wasn’t
MommyBlogger vs.
ordering takeout from Rusty’s, we were just
damn lucky to get Kraft macaroni and hot
DaddyBlogger
dogs.
Not only that, but the only time she’d
M J H l a t k y. C o m p u t e r D e s k
want to go out is when she thought she
could get a good photo for her blog. So on
the weekends we’d take the kids to
According to her blog,
C.A.L.M. or to the park, but as soon as she
MommyBloggers.com, Heather Morgan is a
got the pictures she wanted, she’d say Let’s
busy homemaking mother with three girls, a
go home.”
prolific shutterbug, and a self-confessed
DumbAss said that although he and his
foodie who enjoys working out, uninhibited
wife once enjoyed an intimate relationship,
weekend sex, and scrapbooking. Until ten blog- they don’t anymore. “She talked a good
posts ago she was also the long-suffering and
game on her bog, but when it came down to
dedicated wife of a husband who her readers
brass tacks, she’s more interested in eating
knew only as DumbAss.
Mallomars in front of the computer than
DumbAss has recently been on a posting
anything remotely sexual. I remember the
spree of his own. “I admit I started
night of our anniversary when she wrote
DumbAssDaddy.com partially as revenge, but
this really sexy and romantic post, and all
since then I’ve come to rely on the
her readers were like, ‘awwwww isn’t that
overwhelming support of the DumbAssDaddy
sweet. We could really learn some lessons
community. They understand better than
from you’. The truth is when I got home
anyone what I’ve gone through.” At this point, from work that night we took the girls out
Mike Sharpinsky tears up.
to dinner, came home, gave them a bath,
“I thought I was the only husband in the
(next page)
world going through this, but now I know
Gay Activists, Bible Groups Agree
read them a story, and then I went to bed by
myself because “Heather Morgan” was too busy
answering emails from women looking for advice
on how to spice up their marriages.”
Things got so bad between them he began
communicating with her by leaving comments on
her blog. “She thought she was getting flamed,
but it was really me reminding her that she
should get off her ass and actually do at least
some of the hundreds of things she claimed she
was doing, like making dinner, waxing her legs,
or getting ready for a date night.”
Mike said he filed for divorce. “I was hoping
that if did that, she’d take me seriously. I thought
maybe she’d wake up from this internet dream
life she’s been living, and get back to reality.”
Instead, Darlene turned to her fan base for
support, accusing DumbAss of being jealous of
her rising career. In a post entitled “DumbAss
Tries to Shatter My Dreams,” Heather/Darlene
wrote:
“Just as my blog reached the top quarter
million hits in Technorati – and just as it was
about to be monetized by BlogHer ads–
DumbAss pulled this divorce stunt and started
his own vengeful blog. He couldn’t accept that I
was a talented writer with a brilliant future and
had a life that didn’t begin and end in the laundry
room.”
DumbAss says he started his blog because he
was feeling alone and had been keeping all his
feelings inside. Blogging proved to be soothing,
and profitable. “I’m going to grow this thing
with the help of my readers,” he said
passionately. “The pussy-whipped male market is
largely untapped, and our importance as
consumers is under-rated. I predict that within a
couple of months we’ll be the new
MommyBloggers.”
Mike has quit his job and moved back in with
his parents. He and Heather/Darlene are sharing
custody of the kids, who Mike now calls Betsy,
Boo, and Bitsy. “It has taken some investment. I
had to borrow from my parents to get a new Mac
PowerBooks, Sony DSLR A-300K, and an HDRCX12 hi-def camcorder, but in the long run it’ll
pay off. I’m seeing a couple thousand hits a
day, and DumbAssDaddy.com has only been
Remember when?
Who said, "I do not like broccoli. And
haven't liked it since I was a little kid, and my mother made me eat
it. I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any
more broccoli." (See your 401K statement for a hint.)
around six weeks. I’ve already
connected with close to 30,000 men
through my personal, insightful,
humorous, and heart-wrenching stories. I
see nothing but a bright future ahead.”
Does his future include
Heather/Darlene? “I don’t know,” Mike
says with a shrug. “She’s posted blogs
that just can’t be taken back. All I have to
say to her at this point is: Bring it on,
bitch! We’ll see who ends up with the
most hits and ad revenue, and I’m betting
it won’t be the lying, negligent, fat-assed
Mommyblogger with the crapo-tastic five
year-old Dell Inspiration and Canon
PowerShot A470.”
Heather Morgan has changed
DumbAss’s name to Asshole.
Three Year High Schools Start
Sacramento. With a stroke of his pen
yesterday Governor Schwarzenegger
made every high school in the state threeyear programs. Press secretary Suzan
Grossenmellons (“I am 21-years old”)
explained that the law will strengthen
national defense. "When school starts in
September there’ll be an extra 125,000
young people on the streets, and those
who don’t wind up in prison will turn to
the US Army." Reporter Brian Bland
asked, “Are you worried about student
backlash?” Grossenmellons then produced
a chart showing that most high school
students believe the Government is honest
and trustworthy, except if it criticizes their
music. “Folks, the way the economy is we
had to make more cuts in History, Civics,
and Economics, but the bright side is we’ll
be able to put more into high school
sports.” To this reporter it sounded too
good to be true, but the most debated issue
of the afternoon was nobody in the room
believed Grossenmellons was a day over
18.
Ridgecrest Organic Porn Company Opens
Mellisa Courtesy, contributing columnist
After a decade of bending to the whims of porn fashions that had worked their way into the mainstreamsuch as Brazilian waxes, nipple rings, and backdoor sex, Clovie Butterfield had enough of it.
"The final straw was when it started to get serious with this guy I was dating. We were getting intimate one night, and I was shocked to discover that he had shaved everything -- not just his head but his entire body. He was as smooth as a plastic GI Joe, and about as manly as a nine year old boy. It was a total
turn-off, and that's when I really started questioning porn's cultural effect.
Why was I going in to have some stranger wax and rip hair off my sensitive areas? I decided I wasn't
doing it for me -- I was trying to match the bald pubes of fashionable porn stars. I also
had a colorful collection of butt plugs for pretty much the same reason, which was ridiculous because -- and I can freely say this now -- anal anything never was a turn on for me."
Butterfield began talking with other women and soon discovered that while they
were loathe to admit it, many missed the days when they were merely expected to groom
their natural bushes and not have them torn off in salons at $60 a session. Many women
had their nipples and nether regions pierced in order to appease their porn-reading, porn-watching boyfriends. Then American women found out that on a scale of one to 100, anal tissue is a 5 and vaginal tissue is 2,900. No wonder anal sex to them was painful, messy, and no way exciting and orgasm-rendering
as porn stars made it look.
Using money from a second mortgage on her home, Butterfield and her current partner, a soybean
and corn farmer named Jim Montana, jointly launched the Organic Porn Film Company. Their first feature, When Hairy Met Sally, was shot in Montana's barn after months of scouring Northern California for
talent. "It wasn't easy to find actors and actresses who were pubicly unshorn and willing to appear hirsute
in a film. Finally, we found our couple in Modesto. They were desperate and adventurous and we had the
money, so it was just a perfect situation."
Butterfield is hopeful that the company will return old-fashion sex to America’s bedrooms. "Healthy
hair will be back, as well as the missionary position, and sex where it should be. Yes, we can."
Angie’s Mailbox
Dear Angie: Last week I was dusting my husband’s dresser when I noticed a
framed picture of our pet sheep wearing skimpy lingerie and one of my husband’s
ties. When I looked under his side of the bed I found some questionable National
Geographic magazines. My husband explained he was recently diagnosed with low
testosterone, but he told me that he and Paula are just friends. I was crushed and
told him one of them had to go. He moved into the barn. Please help.
Dear Crushed: First determine whether your marriage can be saved. To do that
you have to rebuild your trust in your husband. Try going online and looking for a
good mint sauce recipe for lamb roast.
Marshall Lawson, political desk
Bakersfield Genius Discovered
When Barack Obama’s aide LeRoy Raymond dropped in for a quick lunch at
Carrow's, he bumped into retired oilfield worker Larry Baker. After a short talk,
Baker went into the restaurant, and Raymond called, “Did you hear that! The
man’s astonishing! He just gave me the most amazingly clear and succinct
solutions I’ve ever heard to all our nation’s problems.”
“Baker says the banks have to fail so we can go on a barter economy. You know, like I give you a
chicken and you fix my taillight. Fantastic! Baker wants to kick out the immigrants so we can
have more radio stations he can understand, and he told me the country’s got to get of its ass and
go after that Bin Laden. If it means war with Pakistan, then bring it on, dude. After that we can
send our troops to North Korea to 'take care of that China-man with the sunglasses.'
About then it hit me. Why didn’t anybody else already think of those things! How about his
dynamite ideas that we start paying $1.25 for gas, quit feeding the hungry, and shut down the
welfare giveaway? Get his: ‘Those so-called poor Americans who lost their houses and are living in
their cars probably deserved getting fired from Wal-Mart.‘ Crazy!
Baker tells me he has “a damn good” health plan, at least he’s pretty sure he does, and the
$82,000 bill for his wife’s
appendectomy won’t be a
problem. He’s always paid his
premiums, and he said,
‘Blue Double-Cross Health
Insurance is always ANumber One for the little guy.
They told me they was.’
Prison problems? Did you know we
can solve that by just lining
up all the inmates and shooting
them? I mean, Sacramento
and Washington never considered
such a totally simple
solution, and Baker knows for a
fact that China is willing to
buy the bodies for recycling. Then
there’s Global Warming.
Baker said he has a drinking buddy
who has a book proving it’s a
Socialist plot cooked up by the egghead scientists so they can get rich and famous like movie stars.
I can't tell you how relieved I was to know that.
This Bakersfield man is a genius. We've debated those issues in Congress for months and
months and months, and they've always proved to be the most sticky, complicated problems ever
faced by any government in modern history, but Baker has great answers to every one of them!
It’s a definite and positive statement to the high moral and educational standards of Kern County.”
This reporter caught Baker as he came out of Carrow’s and asked if he had anything for the
Weevil. "Well, that colored man's got a lot to learn. At first he looked at me like I was crazy, but I
ain't. I told him I’ve lived and worked in Bakersfield all my life, and my father was a veteran and
fought for America in the war. So I'm as American as it gets. I've seen it all and done it all, better
than him, and I don't even know him. Well, he could see I was right, and he just started nodding
and writing on his game boy-thing like those kids play with. He promised he’d tell Obama all my
ideas, every one of them, and he told me Bakersfield’s lucky to have a guy like me as a patriotic
citizen. Why, he was so excited he even made the waiter bring the check before he got to eat all his
fries!"
LeRoy Raymond met as promised with the President. In an email to the Weevil, Raymond
wrote, "Hi, Marshall. Hope you gay guys at the Weevil finally got out of jail! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Seriously, I think you can tell your readers
that this country’s evils will be history within
the next few weeks. As I explained each of
Baker’s ideas to Mr. Obama, I could see his
mood improve. I mean all those problems from
the Bush and Clinton years were evaporating
right before his eyes. Mr. Obama was
thoughtful about Baker’s idea that the
government just give healthcare to people over
92 years old, and the President reasoned that
it’d be better to propose a compromise. He also
raised an eye to Baker’s idea about 'all those
gays we got.' I can't say anything now,
Marshall, but Baker’s bold, imaginative
solution is going to impress you. Looks like in
our lifetime we might see state Number 51.
Both parties seem to be solid behind Baker,
and Obama could be looking at a Presidential
Medal of Freedom with Baker’s name on it.”
MAILBOX, OH YES
TICKETS. About a year ago I was at CSUB
and took the River Bridge three times. Not did I
have any cash on me to pay the tolls. I spoke to
a fat man in a red suit who told me he'd pay for
me. No problem. But they did bill me ANYWAY-$2,500 for each toll as a penalty for not paying.
I sent a check for $8.00 to pay for all three tolls,
plus the three penalties at $4,500 each, plus a
little for the baby's shoes. A month later I
received a bill for one toll plus one penalty and
an additional penalty for not paying the first
penalty that I didn't pay. I have sent more than
63 letters along with copies of the checks
showing payments. I never received one answer.
Is this is the kind of accounting we can expect
from the state? I am totally disgusted. I have
been writing for five years with no results. And
I am getting fat. Barbara Chair, Bakersfield
PRISON. In the midst of the worst recession in
history, I'm going to try to get locked up in the
California Department of Corrections. I'm going
to love the crowding and breathing farts from
the fat guys sleeping on the top and bottom of
me. Medical coverage is almost free, or at least
cheap if you know the right guy with meth.
Maybe I'll get in touch with my feminine side.
Literally. And if you are feeling a bit frisky, and
qualify, you can put up a blanket. I mean, just
because you are incarcerated should not keep
you from enjoying your marital relations with
yourself. If the need arises, you may even
qualify as a heart or liver donor after they stab
you to death, cut your guts out, and dismember
your body, all at no charge to you or your
family. I mean, who wouldn't want to be locked
up?--Tiny Brayne, Woodford Heights
Bakersfield Hero Speaks
Wa s h i n g t o n D C . B a k e r s f i e l d ' s o w n B u l l O h m a s ,
f o r m e r c h a i r m a n o f t h e H o u s e Wa y s a n d M e a n s
Committee, promised his party faithful he would
reevaluate his strategy on President Obama's
h e a l t h r e f o r m s . S a i d O h m a s , " We a r e a m i n o r i t y
t o d a y, b u t e v e r y o n e k n o w s p r i v a t e m e d i c a l
i n s u r a n c e c a n s t i l l s a v e A m e r i c a . We p l a n t o s h i f t
80% of workers' Medicare contributions into cando companies like Enron, Halliburton, and
Security Pacific Bank, and other financial
institutions that have shown amazing chutzpa.
Hail to the trickle-down economy taught us by
beloved leader Ronald Regan! Amen. Our plan for
big business will make senior citizens shut up,
the poor like being sick, and keep my lecture
circuit a hot draw for the rich." Asked about the
p o w e r o f t h e A A R P, a n d i t s 3 5 M s e n i o r c i t i z e n s ,
M r. O h m a s s m i l e d , w a v e d g o o d b y e , a n d m u m b l e d ,
"Those *ing foggers can kiss my ass."
SWEET KISSES. Time to move on, please. My
husband and I were traveling down Breakback
Mountain Avenue the other day when we were
very surprised by a sign. It said: Black
Chamber Of Commerce. Is that racial
discrimination? What would happen if there
were a Gay Chamber of Commerce? Huh? The
NAACP would be here in a minute! No, I am
not a bigot. My best friend is a black woman
married to a Mexican man with a ten-year old
Croat, Apache child gong to CSUB on a
Veterinary scholarship. I feel racial
discrimination should be spread out among all
races. Why cannot we not serve "all" people as
people instead of singing out about colors?
What about the United Negro College Fund for
Veterinarians? Is there a College fund for
fundillos? When will we, as a people, roll all
those adjectives and gerunds into a wad so the
nation can move on it? --Janis E. Puttalino, Taft
RESPECT. I finally found something that
Asians do that I respect -- and that the US does
not do. They use their animals wisely. You do
not find America doing that. The first thing
they do is cut programs for the elderly and poor
dogs and cats. Maybe those politician should
spend a couple of months next to a barbeque in
Tambour. Take a lesson from them: Keep your
animals supple and lean and tender. They have
already taken care of you, and someday they
will come in handy. I am not lying. --Saucie
Zour, Tehachapi