Children`s Audition Pieces Pages 27-28 Ralphie, Mom

 Children’s Audition Pieces Pages 27‐28 Ralphie, Mom, The Old Man Pages 34, 35, 36, 37 Farkas, Ralphie, Flick, Schwartz Page 38 Helen Pages 56‐57 Ralphie, Flick, Ester Jane, Helen, Schwartz Pages 80, 81, 82 Ralphie, Ester Jane, Randy, Santa Pages 89, 90, 91 Ralphie, Flick, Schwartz, Ester Jane, Helen Pages 106‐107 Scut Pages 111, 112 Ester Jane, Mom Pages 114, 115 Ralphie, Flick, Schwartz Act 1
A CHRISTMAS STORY
27
(Energized, RANDY snorts and buries his face i/1 his oat­
meal. THE OLD MAN shudders, pUiS down his pencil,
picks up [he newspaper and hides behind it RALPHIE
enters.)
MOTIffiR, Wall\ your oatmeal warmed up?
RALPIDE (sitting at table). No. I was letting it cool.
MOTHER.Oh.
RALPH. Now would be a good time to mention that BE
gun. My fevered brain struggled for the right hint. It had,
to be clear, but subtle.
RALPHJE. Schwartz told me he saw a pack of wild bears
behind Pulaski's candy store last week. (He looks hope­
ful. MOTHER [urns slowly TO look at RALPHf£. THE
OLD MAN lowers his paper.)
RALPH. They looked at me as if J had lobsters crawling
out of my ears.
MOTHER (turning hack 10 the sTOve). Mat would yOIJ like
for Christmas, Ralphie?
RAlPH. Honified, I heard myself blurt out ...
RALPIDE. An official Red Ryder 200-Shot Carbine Action
Range Model Air Rifle! (He claps his hand over his
mouth.)
MOTHER (stilliurned away; olmost offhand). You'll shoot
your eye out.
RALPH. Oh no l II was the classic mOTher BB. gun block!
"You'll shool your eye oul!" That deadly phrase used
many times before by hundreds of'mothers was nol sur­
mountable by any means known TO Kid-dom! Immedi­
alely I went into damage control mode and began re­
building.
I,
28
A CHRlSTMAS STORY
Act I
RALPHIE. I was just kidding. Heh-heh! Even though Flick
is getting one ...
RALPH. A lie.
RALPHIE. I guess ... f guess maybe I'd like some ... some
Tinker Toys ... or Lincoln Logs ... something educational.
Yeah, that'd be swelL
MOrnER (coming to rable with a cup of coffee). BB guns
are dangerous. You'd shool your eye out.
RALPH. The boom had been lowered, and I was under it. I
thought I'd better change the subject and draw attention
away from my masler plan.
RALPHlE. Hey, Dad ...
THE OLD MAN (concentrating Oil his newspaper). Hmm?
RALPHIE. Bel you can't guess what I got you for Christtnas!
THE OLD MAN (srill occupied). Let '5 see ... is it a new
furnace?
RALPillE (0 forced chuckle). 111a,'s a good one, Dad.
(RANDY laughs too long and too hard ar THE OLD
MAN's bOil mot. THE OLD MAN is again flushed out
from behind his newspaper. RANDY nearly upends his
cereal bowl, and THE OLD MAN puts down his paper ro
rea ch for il.)
THE OLD MA..N, Be careful there, son, you're liable to
upset your oatmeal and make a m~ (THE OLD MAN's
eyes lock wiIh MOTHER's as she turns. The mess, of
course, has already been made.) Never mind. (THE
OLD MAN reaches for his paper, but he has pur it down
in an ommeal puddle. He tries, briefly, to salvage it but
finally, with a sigh, gives up and picks up the pencil and
contest form.)
MOTHER. I\re you done, Randy?
I
Act I
A CHRlSTMAS STORY
35
(FLICK runs off R FARKAS laughs a nQScy laugh and
shambles off L. as [he pool of light fades w black.)
RALPH. See what I mean about Punjab? (He makes a
sweeping Illotion.) Whoosh, bully problem solved. (With
a sigh:) Flick had the worst luck of anybody I'd ever
knO\ltl1. It was like he'd been cursed.
(Light comes up DR where RALPHIE, FLICK, SCHWAR7Z,
HELEN ann ESTHER JANE stand aroun.d Q lamppost
mounted on a plarform. FLICK Qnd SCHWARTZ are
In id-disCIIssiol1.)
SCHW ARTZ. Oh yeah?
FLICK. Yeah l
.. q '
RALPH. At recess a select group of us always gathered
around a lamppost in the comer of the playground to
discuss the deep philosophers and share infomlation
based on the lateSt research.
SCHWARTZ. All ri gill then, if you don't bel ieve me, I
double dare ya!
RALPH. The exact exchange and nuance of wording in this
phase of the "dare" ritual is very important.
FLICK. So you're sayin' if I put my tongue on this post
it'll stick!
SCHWARTZ. Yeah!
FLICK. That's dumb! It wouldn't happen!
SCHWARTZ. TIl en go ahead! Prove I'm wrong!
RALPHIE. Go ahead, Flick.
FLICK. Heck no!
SCHWARTZ. That's 'cause you know it'd stick!
FLICK. Would not!
I
3.53 in
36
A CHRISTMAS STORY
Act I
SCH\VARTZ. Would tool
FLICK. Would not!
SCHWARTZ. All rightlhen, I double dog dare ya!
(The other children reaCT with surprise and concern.
FLICK is thrown a bit off balance.)
RALPH. This was gelling serious. A double dog dare.
There was nOlhing left but a "triple dare you" and, finally, the coup de grace of all dares, lhe sinister "triple
dog dare."
SCHWARTZ, I triple dog dare ya!
(Unconcealed shock and sharp intakes of breath all
around. SignijicQm looks exchanged.)
RALPH, Hm. Schwartz crealed a slight breach of etiquette
by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat.
FLICK (nervous). All right, all right.
RALPHIE. Do iI, Flick.
SCHVV ARTZ. Go on, sman pants, do il. (He gives FUCK
a poke in The arm.)
FLICK (wincing). Hey! ThaI'S my sore aml, okay?
RALPHJE. Do it.
FLICK. Don't rush me. (He cracks his knuckles, shakes our
his hands. steps lip TO The lamppost and sticks our his
tongue as RALPH speaks.)
RALPH. There was no going back now. Flick's spine stiff­
ened. His lips curled in a defiant sneer. His tongue wem
into docking mode and he moved toward consummation.
I
.
Act I
A CHRISTMAS STORY
37
FLICK (Lea liS into the lamppost and his lOngue makes COIl­
tact). Thith ith noth... (And then he realizes.) Thtuck!
Thruck! I'm Thtuck! (He begins co wail.)
SCHWARTZ (his theory is proven out, bUl it still surprises
him). Jeepers! It really works!
(The bell rings to end recess. The children exit, save for
RALPHIE, SCHWARTZ alld, of course, FLICK.
SCHWARTZ l1Ioves to leave.)
I
RALPHlE. Wait! Wlladda we gonoa do?
SCHWARTZ. I dunno. (He paims offstage in the direction
oj the school building. It is OUt of his hands,) The bell
rang. (He exits.)
RALPH. We lived by the bell. It told us when to come in,
when (0 go to recess, when to go home. It was the voice
of God, and could not be denied.
(RALPHfE turns to leave.)
FLICK. AUlh! Oaait! Cuh back l Doe lee nee! Cuh back!
RALPHIE (with all apologetic shrug). The bell rang.
(RALPHIE exits as FLICK, in a blinding panic, grunts
after !Jim Qt the rop of his lungs. The pool of light fades,
and with it FLICK's howling. In the darkness, the lamp­
pOSt platform carries FLICK offsrage and rhe fence
swings back. A pool of light comes up UR revealing a
leacher's desk. U of rhe desk, a secrion of blackboard,
trimmed along the rap with a chain of red and green
consrruction paper loops. MISS SHIELDS sits behind rhe
,.:
'.'
~
:
38
A CHRISTM.A.S STORY
Act I
desk. HELEN stands R alld D of a child-sized chair next
ro the desk, reading her book repon.)
HELEN ..... , Nora does not want to be a doll-wife and tells
Helmer. He promises to change, but she says that would
take a miracle and she doesn't believe in miracles any­
more. Al the end, Helmer realizes how empty h.is house
will be. Ibsen was a very good writer and A Doll's
House is a very good book. I enjoyed it very much."
MJSS SHIELDS (stunned). Um .. , very good, Helen. That
was a '" fine book report,
HELEN. Thank you, Miss Shields.
RALPH. Helen Weathers was a woman ahead of her time.
To this day there are only three scientists in the world
who understand her third-grade science fair project. We
boys all respected her. She'd demonstrated on more than
one occasion thai she eould beat us up.
(H ELEN purs Irer book report all lhe desk and exits.)
MJSS SHIELDS. Let's see, who's next? (She looks down at
her grade book, rUilS down the list with her pellcil,
Looks up.) Ralph. (She glances back down or HELEN's
paper and makes 0 nore ill her grade book. as RALPHIE
enters the light. She looks up.) Ralph, please read your ...
(She scans [he classroom.) Vv'here's Flick')
(RALP H1£ freez.es.)
RALPH. Uh-oh.
MISS Sl-llELDS. Has anyone seen Flick?
RALPH. Flick') Flick who?
...
­
....
•
I
56
A CHRISTMAS STORY
Act
J
and room cleaning! (RALPH's proscenium light dims to
black and he exits.)
MJSS SHIELDS. It will count heavily toward your final
semester grade. Choose an appropriate subject and limit
it properly. Now, what are the four purposes of a theme?
CHILDREN'S VOICES (in unison). "To inform, to de­
scribe, to persuade, to tell a story."
MISS SHIELDS. That's right. For this assignment, write a
theme to inform or persuade. Your choice. Single page.
Watch your margins. Since iI's the holiday season, this
will be your only homework assignment for all of next
week. But with two weekends and five school days, I
expect excellent work. Questions? (Bell rings.) Dis­
missed.
(Lights cross/ade: down on MISS SHIELDS, up on apron
D. Fence rolls back into place as HELEN and ESTHER
JANE emer DR. walking home from school, moving DL
as rhey wlk.j
HELEN. Know what Roxane said?
ESTHER JANE. What?
HELEN. Roxane said Ralph Parker likes you.
ESTHER JANE. Really? Roxane said that? (HELEN nods.
After a pause.) 1 think he's cute. Don '\ you think he's
cute?
HELEN. I like older men.
ESTHER JANE. Older?
HELEN. Sixth-graders.
ESTHER JANE (clearly impressed). Oh' (Pause.) Have
you picked a subject for your theme?
HELEN. No, Something about politics, maybe.
I
ESlBER JANE. Maybe] will, too.
HELEN. Are you Democrat or Republican?
ESlBER JANE (uncerrainty, chen, wich conviction). Pres­
byterian.
(They exir DL, crossing pasr RALPH/E, FLICK and
SCHWAR7Z, who enter DR and move DL.)
SCHWARTZ. You see that, Ralph?
RALPHIE. What?
SCHWARTZ. Esther Jane was lookin' at you.
FLlCK. ] thought she was lookin' at me.
SCHWARTZ. Why would a girl look at you? (SCHWAR7Z
pokes FLICK affectionately as he crosses ro RALPHlE.)
FLICK. Hey, thaI's my sore .. ,
SCHWARTZ. You still gcnin' a BB gun for Christmas?
RALPHlE. No. They think I'd shoO! my eye out.
SCHWARTZ (incredulous). Man! How do they come up
with these ideas? (RALPHI£ shrugs. SCHWARlZ pulls a
new COP)! of Open Road for Boys from his backpack.)
You seen the new ad? It's all about cowboys no! givin'
up and how great the Red Ryder BB gun is. (RALPHfE
rakes rhe proffered magazine.) There. See? It's a whole
story.
RALPlllE (in awe). Wow.
FLICK. Farkas! Run!
(FARKAS runs on from DL as FLICK. SCHWARlZ and
RALPHI£ run DR and exir 10 music. FARKAS pursues.
SCHWAR7Z and FLICK reerller immediately DR, chased
by FARKAS. As they reach the proscenium. FARKAS
grabs FLICK and ALL exit DL Musicfades.)
I
80
A CHRlSTMAS STORY
Act II
SANTA. HO! HO! HOi AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME. LITTLE
BOY?
RALPH. In those days Santa Claus was a big man both
spiritually and physically. He had huge, slliny black
leather bOQ{s and a real, thrumming, belt-creaking stom­
ach, No piDows. I mean, a real stomach. To us kids, he
seemed well over eight fcet tall.
'RAI'-.'1)Y. J gotla go wee-wee!
MCPHIE (hissing), Be quieti We're gonna see Santa,
RANDY, Sama! Santa l
RALPH. My parents had deposited us at the end of the line
and thell disappeared into Ihe crowd of shoppers. The
line stretched all the way to TelTe Haute, so we spent
what seemed like hours creeping closer and closer, until
finally we reached the foot of MOUn! Olympus, only
minutes before closing time. (RALPH's lighr fades.)
SAI\TA. HOi
HOi
HOi
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
MERRY
CHRISTMAS'
RANDY. Santa' Santa I
(FLICK comes dowlJ rhe chute
Gild
lands in the corron
harring)
FLICK Ouch'
(ESTHER JANE and HELEN collfer in aflurry. whisper­
ing alld poiming LiT RALPHI£ and glancing up the
srairs." F LieK exiTs L, ruhbing his sore Grill)
SANTA. HO! HO! "HO! WHO'S t\'EXT?
RANDY. Santa! Santal
Act II
A CHRISTMAS STORY
81
(ESTHER JANE AND HELEN change places, share (Ine
more giggle, then HELEN climbs upward Qnd OUT of
sight, After () shorr pause:)
ESTHER JANE (shyly). Hello, Ralph.
(RALPHlE's focus rel/lains on SANTA, hut ESTHER
JAN E 's Qflen/ion has an uncom!orwble effeCT on him
that Ire can '[ quite explain.)
RALPHl£. Oh." UI1l ... hello, Esther Jane,
ESTHER JANE. What are .1'011 here for?
RALPHIE (nen)()/ls). To ... 10 see Santa.
ESTHER JANE (0 gasp of feigned surprise). I'm here 10
see Santa, loa!
SANTA. HO! HO! HOi AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME. LrrTLE
GIRL?
RANDY. Santa I Santa!
I STHER JANE (moves or()/Il1d RANDY [0 stand next w
RALPH/£. who hacks lip), We're bolh here for Ihe same
reason. lsn' I Ihat funny'j
RALPHIE, Yeah. Funny. Yeah. (Turns aroulld to see if
anVOl1c elsc has joined rhe line.) Guess rIll the bSI one.
(He struggle,I' [0 ft'I.'.\'lahllsh hiS atrt:,llIivl1 on SANTA)
ESTHER JAl'\TE. II"~ ~lrl1ost clo~ing lime.
SA NT A. HOi HO I HOi MERR Y CHRI STMAS! MERRY
CHRISTMAS'
RANDY. Santa l Sanr<ll
ESTI-fER JANE. I'm asking Santa for a dolL What are you
asking for')
RALPHlE (se!J~conscious). Um ... a legendary official Red
Ryder 200-Shot Carbine Action Range Model Air Rif1e
••
.
•
·1,
~
I
A CHRISTMAS STORY
ActU
with a compass and this thing wruch tells time buill right
into the stock.
STHER JANE (impressed). 0000,
ALPHlE. Yeah ...
.STHER JANE. Aren"! you afraid you'll shoot your eye
out?
(RALPHI£ is deJlated. HELEN slides into view, landing
01/
her feel, As she ex irs, she makes eye
COl/rae(
THER JANE. Tltey giggle. RALPHIE tries
(0 GO
with ES­
casual.)
SANTA, HO! IiO! HO' WHO'S NEXT?
RANDY. Santa' Santa'
ESTHER JANE. 1 guess that"s me.
RALPHlE. Guess so.
ESTI-fER JANE. It was nice I3lking with you, Ralphie.
RALPHlE. un-huh.
ESTHER JANE 'Bye.
RALPI-nE. 'Bye
(ESTHER JANE climhs ,he steps and is quicklY o/(t of
sighl, RANDY pulls 011 RALPHIE's sleeve.)
RANDY. I galla go wee-wee!
RALPHlE. Sh~
SANTA. HO' HO' HO! AND WHAT DO YOU WANT fOR
CHRlSTMAS, LlTIJ...E GIRL~
RANDY (rums back ro look lip rhe steps). 5ama' Santa!
RALPl-UE. Will you be quiet?
RANDY (whispering). Santa' Santa!
RALPHJE. What"s the matter with you, anyway?
RANDY. I gona go wee-wee'
I
Act II
A CHRISTMAS STORY
89
(ntcs WiTh the music until finally MOTHER emcrs, gives
up on IUTI1ing the lamp off crosses ro [he curtains and
closes them on the fino[ flourish of the Jnllsic. 77le lights
fade slowLy all [he house. The last Light 10 fade is, of
course, the one 0/1 rhe //lojor award. The L proscenium
light comes up [0 reveal RALPH.)
RALPH. Tuesday. On tbe way home from school! thought
about that Red Ryder air rifle and seriously mulled over
the possibility of an invasion of raccoons. How would
we protect ourselves, What if the circus came 10 town
and all the tigers escaped? What if ...
(RALPH's lighr fades as DRfanta::.y light comes up. The
air is tom with the scream of a baboon. Kooknhurras
call 10 one another ill The [reetops. FLICK, SCHWAR77..,
ESTHER JANE Gild HELEN enter lhrough a fringe of
jungle pLams. ALL ure dressed in tropical gear.)
ESTHER JANE We should have found the trading post by
now.
SCHWARTZ.
rm afraid we're lost, Esther Jane.
(Adventure movie musical Sling.)
HELEN. All the other classes gal 10 go to the park or the
steel mi II on [heir field trips ... bur they send our class to
the swamps,
FLICK. The Indiana swamps are unforgiving.
SCHWARTZ. Where's Miss Shields?
FLICK. Gator got her. Abou! a mile back,
SCHWARTZ. On, man!
I
90
A CHRISTMAS STORY
Act II
FLICK. Indiana gators are unforgiving.
ESTHER JAl\TE (hysterical). We'll never get out of here
alive! We're going to die!
RALPHIE (cmering 011 a musical cue). I wouldn't count on
that if I was you, little missy. (He wears an AUSfralialJ
bush har, a bush jacker and knee high boors, and carries
a Red Ryder 200-Shol Carbine Acrion Range Model Air
Rifle.)
HELEN. It's Ralphie Parker, Soldier of Fortune!
ESTHER JANE. Save us, Ralphie'
RALPHIE. Nothin' to it, Esther Jane ... thanks "my legen­
dary official Red Ryder 200-5001 Carbine Action Range
Model Air Rine with a compass and this thing wtUch
tells time built right into the stock. Look out'
(Musical sring He cocks Qnd fires. A py£hol1 drops
o/rhe flies. SCHWAR7Z rims to pick i£ up.)
Ollf
ESTHER JANE. You saved my life'
SCHW ARTZ, Got him right between the eyes!
FUCK. Good thing, too; Indiana pythons are unforgiving.
RALPl-UE. We'd best get out of here before the resl of Ihe
herd shows up.
HELEN. We can'\. We're lose
SCHW ARTZ, We don't even know what time it is!
RALPHlE. I always know what time it is and I'm never
10SI, because my legendary official Red Ryder 200-Shot
Carbine Action Range Model Air Rine has a compass
and this thing which tells Ii me built right into the stock,
It's ... (He looks or rifle srock.) ... three thirty-eighl and
fifteen seconds, And nOl1h is that way! (He points inca
rhe wings,)
I
Aclll
A CHRISTMAS STORY
91
ESTHER JANE. Oh, Ralphie l (Musical flourish as he ex­
rends his arm. She whirls ol1ce Gnd he catches her at
arm's length) You're my 11ero l
(She leallS slightly off balance. He s(allds, feer aparr, ES­
THER JANE 011 one arm, his air rifle supported against
his hip 011 the ocher arm. They hold [!Jar pose for a mo­
mellt, the per/eer adventure movie poster, thell break.)
RALPHIE. Come on, I've gal to gel you out of this swamp
before the monsoon season hjls.
FLICK. Indiana monsoons are unforgiving.
RALPHIE. I'll have you home before supper' (He rakes
hold of FUCK's arm to guide him.)
FLICK. Hey! Thai's my ...
RALPHJE (propelling FLICK offstage). This wayl
(They exil to music, Music fades with DR lighr as
RALPH's DL proscenium fighr jades up.)
RALPH. No question about it I had to have lhal air rifle; it
was an absolute necessily.
(17le lalllp fades up in living roOIl!, [ollowed by rhe rest
of the lights. THE OLD MAN sirs reading the evening
paper.)
RALPH. Meanwhile, night after night, the soft, sinuous ra­
diation or The Old Man's major award lil up Cleveland
Street, attracling cruising prides of adolescents.
I
106
A CHRISTMAS STORY
Actll
RALPH. My mother must have gotten to her! There could
be no other explanation!
(MOTHER joins MISS SHIELDS on the desk rap. She is
dressed as a winged monkey.)
MOTHER. You'll shoot your eye out, Ralphie! You'll
shoot your eye out I
MlSS SHIELDS. You'll shoot your eye OUI!
MOTHER & MISS SHIELDS (challfing). You'll shoot
your eye out l You'll shoal your eye out!
(They laugh loud and long, and fade as the light on them
fades. RALPHIE gazes once more ar the crumpled theme
in his hcind, rhen purs ir in his pocket.)
I
RALPH. I stuffed my tattered dreams inlo my pockel and
stared oU( hopelessly on the bleak years ahead ."years
without an official Red Ryder 200-Shot Carbine Action
Range Model Air Rifle. How much was a man supposed
to take? (To "Wolf" theme from Peter & The Wolf,
FARKAS enrersfrom DL. As he passes:) Uh-oh.
FARKAS. Hey! Hey you! Come here!
(RALPHfE fUrns, sees FARKAS. Stays in place, looking
mournjU.l. FARKAS moves closer.)
J said come here! (RALPHfE does not move. FARKAS
steps in next to him.) Hey, listen, jerk, when J tell ya 10
come here, you beneT come here!
.......
ACI
II
A CHRISTMAS STORY
107
(Ill his U hand, FARKAS holds a large snowball. He
transfers it co his D hand, reaches across RALPHIE with
the U hand, rwirls him around, wrenches his arm up be-'
tween his shoulder blades.)
FARKAS. How about we wash your face!
(He plops che snowba II square into RA LPHIE's face and
massages il around as it disintegrates. RALPH1E's glasses
fall off. FARKAS laugh<; (lIId lels RALPHIE go. As RAL­
PHIE crosses, FARKAS trips him alld laughs again RANDY
elltersjro//1 DR and srops, warchillg in horror. RALPHIE
rolls over Ofl one elba"" wipes his face and sniffs.)
I
..
FARKAS. What are you gonna do? Cry now? Come on,
cry baby, cry for me' Come on, cry!
(He cominues
TO ad-lih under RALPH's next speech,
"Crv, I dare ya! Co on,'" ere, RALPHIE slowly struggles
tn hisfeer,)
RALPH, First my parell1s, then Orphan Annie, then Santa
and finally Miss Shields. One dis:lppointment afler an­
other" and each one building, building, building inside
me, (FARKAS, laughillg, crosses L.) Suddenly, without
waming, fuses bCg:lll 10 blow, bang! bang! bang! one af­
ter another' There was an explosion in my skull! r re­
verted to the code of my cave-dwelling ancestors and
went completely OUt of my mind with blood Ius!.
(Wirh an GnimGI roar, RALPHIE clwrges. FARKAS, knock­
ing hilll down. FA RKAS, in rerror, cries for help.
AclII
A CHRISTMAS STORY
111
MOTHER (sits on lhe couch; then, gently). What's the
matter? Whatcha crying for')
RANDY. Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!
MOTHER. No, he's nol.
RANDY. Yes, he is, too!
MOTHER. No, he's not. I promise you, Daddy's not going
lO kill Ralphie. Now come on. Come on oul. Let's eat
dinner. (RANDY slowly rises from behind rhe couch, she
pars the seat nexr to her. RANDY comes over the back of
the couch, sits and hugs her. She puts her arms around
him.) Tell you what, I'll promise you that Daddy won't
kill Ralphie, if you'll stop crying, okay? Okay? (RANDY
tries to SlOp crying. MOTHER pulls a handkerchieffrom
her apron and wipes his nose.) Okay? (RANDY nods.)
Good. Blow. (He blows his nose.) Now go Sil ilp at your
place. (RANDY exits to rhe kirchen.)
(RALPHIE comes down rhe stairs. crosses past MOTHER
D, his head hanging low. As she sLOrt.~ a cross to the
kitchen, there is a knock at the door. She crosses and
opens it. It is ESTHER JANE.)
ESTHER JANE. Mrs. Parker, may I come in?
MOTHER. We're geuing ready for dinner, Eslher Jane,
maybe you could come b ...
ESTHER JANE. It'1] just take a minule.
MOTHER. Of course. Come in.
ESTHER JANE (entering, she holds our RALPHIE's
glasses). I lhought Ralph might need these. He dropped
them when he ... when lhey were ...
MOTl-lER (accepting glasses). Thank you, Esther Jane.
Would you like [0 speak [0 him? He ...
I
112
A CH!USTMAS STORY
Act II
ESTHER JANE. No, IhaCs all right. Oh, did you see the
spider he gave me, he drew my name for the gift ex­
change.
MOTIfER. It's a very nice spider.
ESTHER JANE. Usually I don't like spiders. (Pause,)
Well, I'd better go. Merry Chrislmas, Mrs. Parker!
MOnIER. Merry Christmas, Esther Jane.
(ESTHER JANE exils. MOTHER closes the door. She
looks al glasses, smiles, puts them into her apron pocker
and crosses into the kitchen US rhe lights fade to black ill
the living room RALPHfE, RANDY and THE OLD MAN
sir around the lOb!..:. (()gerher. RA LPHI £ L., uncomfort­
able, wairing for his punishmenr.)
I
11{E OLD MAN. Somebody at (he door?
MOTHER One of the children.
THE OLD MAN (srill reodil1R his newspaper). What's for
dinner? I'm starving!
MOTHER (crossing up 10 rhe stove). Meat loaf and red
cabbage.
THE OLD MAN (deeply resigned). Ah. Anything happen
today? (A JIlO/f1erl/ of silence. He looks ar RALPH/E.)
Where're your glasses? You lose your glasses again?
MOTHER (llioving in quickly, she plucks RALPH/E's
glasses from her apron alld hand~ them to him). Oh,
Ralphie ' I almost forgO! 10 give you back your glasse5.
You lefl them ... (Waves vaguely.) ... over lhere while
you were ... working OIl ... lhat project. (RALPH/E accepTS
the glasses grarejulty.)
TIlE OLD MAN. Projecl? What kind of project?
MOTHER (crossill/? back to rhe srove). Sociology.
114
A CHJUSTMAS STORY
Act 11
RALPH. It was then I realized that I was not about to be
destroyed. (RALPHIE turns to look at MOTHER. She
turns from the stove and smiles at him, then turns back
as RALPHIE looks away D, thinks Q moment, then
smiles broadly.) From then on, things were different be­
tween me and my mother.
(The lights fade to black on the house and RA LPH 's spe­
cial fades co black. Lights fade up DR. FLICK and
SCHWARTZ sit on a log half buried in a snow bank.
They hold a sled between them, vigorously rubbing the
runners with waxed paper.)
SCHWARTZ. This'll make it really go fast. ZOom!
FLICK. Whalchoo gettin' for Christmas?
SCHWARTZ. Gilbert chemistry set.
FLICK. Yeah?
SCHWARTZ. Yeah! y'get lotsa jars of special chemicals
and a book that tells how to make stuff.
FLICK. What lUnda sruff?
SCHWARTZ. Invisible ink, stuff that looks Ii ke blood,
stink bombs.
FLICK. Stink bombs?
SCHWARTZ. Yeah, they got about ten kinds of stink
bombs you can make.
FUCK. Wow!
SCHWARTZ. What're you genin' for Christmas?
FLICK. Lionel train sel.
SCHWARTZ. Like the one in Goldblatl's window?
FLICK (with a nod). Even gonoa get that little house where
the guy pops out, too.
SCHWARTZ. Oh, man!
I
Act II
A CHR1STMAS STORY
us
(RALPHTE enters the pool o/light.)
FLICK. Hey, Ralph! Bet you caught it when your dad got
home last night, huh?
RALPHIE. Wasn't bad.
SCHWARTZ. What about thaI BB gun? You gonna gel it
or not?
RALPHIE. Guess not.
SCHW ARYZ. Gee, Ralph, that's lOugh.
FLICK. Sorry, Ralph.
RALPHlE. Yeah, well ...
SCHWARTZ. Hey, y:l wanna sled with us?
RALPHIE. No. You go ahead. Maybe I'll catch up later.
SCHWARTZ. Come on, Fljck~
(They exit. RALPH/E sits
ters, carrying ice skates.)
Oil
the log. ESTHER JANE en­
ESTHER JANE. Hello, Ralph.
RALPHIE. Oh." hello.
ESTHER JANE. May 1 sit here?
RALPIDE. Urn ... sure. (She does.) Thanks for, you know,
bringing my glasses overESTHER JANE. You're welcome. I just didn't want you to
gel in trouble. (A pause. ESTHER JANE see/tIS to be
screwing her courage to the Slicking place. Finally, she
pulls a square pink envelope frorr:. her coG[ and hands it
10 RALPH/£. Quickly:) Here's a Christmas card J got
you. I got it myself. It's not from my parents. I bought it
with my allowance. G'bye.
I