IIAR Opens Facility In Springfield Illinois

Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery
at Proctor Hospital
Fall 2003
Vol. 8 No. 4
2002
Pinnacle Award
Certificate of Merit
&
Healthcare
Marketing Report
Gold Award
IIAR Opens Facility
In Springfield Illinois
PLUS:
Obsessed with Lolita
Too Much Empathy
Should I Write a Prescription?
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SpotLight
Table of Contents Fall 2003
The Illinois Institute
for Addiction Recovery
Vice President:
Rick Zehr, M.S., C.S.A.D.C., C.C.G.C., P.C.G.C., MISA II
announces the opening of their newest facility located in Springfield, Illinois
Proctor Hospital opened a new addiction treatment facility in Springfield, Illinois. The
new facility provides several levels of care including: partial hospitalization, intensive
outpatient, aftercare, family and individual therapy.
The Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery at
Springfield treats the following addictions:
•
•
•
•
Chemical
Gambling
Spending
Food
• Sex
• Internet
• Chronic Pain with Addiction
For additional information on the Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery at
Springfield and its treatment programs, call 1 (800) 522-3784 or visit the Web site
www.addictionrecov.org.
Administrative Director:
Randee McGraw, C.S.A.D.C., N.C.G.C., C.E.A.P,
C.A.D.P., MISA II
Angie Moore provides a
presentation on the IIAR’s
award-winning quality
improvement efforts during the
NAATP annual conference.
14
2
Clerical Coordinator:
Madge White
F
E
Contributing Staff:
Patricia Erickson, R.N., C.A.R.N.
Bryan DeNure, M.A., C.A.D.C., MISA II
Pamela Hillyard, L.C.P.C., C.A.D.C., P.C.G.C., I.C.G.C.
Phil Scherer, C.S.A.D.C., C.C.G.C., MISA II
Mary Murphy-Howard, R.N.
Director of Communications:
Steve Wilson
16
20
A
T
U
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E
4
IIAR’s intervention services
6
Should I Write a Prescription?
Pain patient’s with a history of addiction
By Howard A. Heit, M.D., F.A.C.P., F.A.S.A.M.
12
Too Much Empathy?
Neglecting your own wants and needs
By Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., LPC, NCC
14
Girls Will Be Girls
Raising confident, courageous daughters
By JoAnn Deak, Ph.D.
20
Art Credits
Obsessed with Lolita
Cover Titled “Thanksgiving Harvest” by Ashlie
Modeling on the internet
The Children’s Art Project at The University of Texas M. D.
Anderson Cancer Center began with one volunteer’s creative
idea 30 years ago. Since then, thanks to the dedication of
thousands of inspired volunteers, customers and community
and corporate supporters, the Project has supported more
than $17 million in patient-focused programs at M. D.
Anderson. Today, the Project is one of the country’s largest
and most well-known charitable card projects.
By Dorn Checkley
Art Courtesy of NARSAD
page 10 Untitled by Richard Gallagher
page 14 Titled “Little Mommy” by Larry Walker
page 16 Untitled by Jeffery Guerin
NARSAD Artworks products showcase the art of talented
artists who happen to suffer from brain disorders called
mental illness. All sale proceeds go to fund mental illness
research. For information or a free color brochure call
1 (800) 607-2599. You may also visit the Web site
www.narsadartworks.org.
S
Intervention
©2003 Targeted Publications Group, Inc. All rights reserved.
PARADIGM magazine is published quarterly by the Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery at
Proctor Hospital with general offices at 5409 N. Knoxville Ave., Peoria, Ill. 61614. Bulk Rate
postage is paid at Moline, Ill. and additional offices. PARADIGM is a registered trademark of
Targeted Publications Group, Inc. and is licensed to the above publisher. No article in
this issue and no part of this publication may be reproduced without the expressed
written permission of the Publisher and Targeted Publications Group, Inc.
SUBSCRIPTIONS: Subscriptions in the United States are $18.00 for one year and $36.00
elsewhere outside the United States. Back issue rate is $9.00. Send subscriptions to Eric
Zehr, Proctor Hospital, 5409 N. Knoxville Ave., Peoria, Ill. 61614. Allow 6-8 weeks for
new subscriptions. Allow 6-8 weeks for change of address. For more information, phone Eric
Zehr at 1 (800) 522-3784.
For a free catalogue of the Children’s Art Project holiday
cards and gift items, featuring young cancer patients’
art, or to volunteer, call 1 (800) 231-1580 or visit the
Web site www.childrensart.org.
Ronald J. Hunsicker, D.Min., FACATA, President
and CEO of NAATP presents the 2003 James W.
West, M.D. Quality Improvement Award to Angie
Moore, MS, MHSA, CMADC, CCGC, LCPC, Manager,
Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery.
12
Manager:
Angie Moore, L.C.P.C., C.M.A.D.C., C.C.G.C., MISA II
POSTMASTER: Send address changes to:
Eric Zehr
Proctor Hospital
5409 N. Knoxville Avenue
Peoria, Ill. 61614
IIAR Wins Prestigious
West Award
The Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery
at Proctor Hospital received the 2003 James
W. West, M.D., Quality Improvement Award
presented by the National Association of
Addiction Treatment Providers at the 2003
annual conference in Indian Wells,
California. Among the many distinguished
guests were former President Gerald R. Ford
and Mrs. Betty Ford who together received
the 2003 Nelson J. Bradley Life Time
Achievement Award. In addition, the IIAR
was featured in the April 2003 Behavioral
Healthcare Tomorrow magazine for its
quality improvement efforts.
Medical Directors:
James Bowman, M.D.
Steven Ingalsbe, M.D.
Ameel Rashid, M.D.
D
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SpotLight • 2 New Facility Opens in Springfield, Illinois
Profile • 4 The Christopher D. Smithers Foundation, Inc.
By Mary Allen
On Track • 10 The Hunt for Heroes, Heaven and Happiness
By Pamela Teaney Thomas, M.Ed.
Perspectives • 16
Seizing the Moment
By Grace Jo P. O’Leary, C.A.D.C.
Lighten Up • 19
Using Humor to Reduce Stress
By Linda Hutchinson
Calendar • 23
Training and Workshop Schedule for 2003
S
Profile
by Mary Allen
immersed in being a farmer until World War II when he entered the
Army. He was discharged in 1945 as a Major.
T h e C h r i s t o p h e r D . S m i t h e r s Fo u n d a t i o n , I n c .
Shortly after his father’s passing, Brink himself
marked an important date — his sobriety. It was
almost fifty years ago that Yvelin Gardner,
Deputy Director of the National Council on
Alcoholism, met with Brink and told him,
“Brink, you have a disease and there is
treatment for it.” These words changed the
direction of Brink’s life and the shape of the
mission of the Foundation. It signaled Brink’s
recovery from alcoholism, his life’s dedication to
the alcoholism cause and the start of the
Foundation’s close working relationship with
the National Council on Alcoholism. It was
truly the beginning of the alcoholism movement
in this country and ultimately the world.
4
R. Brinkley “Brink” Smithers founded the Christopher D. Smithers
Foundation on October 21, 1952 in memory of his late father.
Brink was born in 1907 to Christopher D. and Mabel Brinkley
Smithers in New York. His father was a member of the IBM Executive
and Finance Committees for many years and his contribution toward
the growth of this leading business machines company spanned a
period of 39 years.
Educated at the Browning School in New York City and St. George’s
School at Newport, Rhode Island, Brink entered Johns Hopkins
University in Baltimore, Maryland in the fall of 1927. It was his
intention to become a physician and Johns Hopkins had one of the
prominent medical schools in this country. However, after his second
year of “pre-med” study, Brink began evidencing the early signs of
alcoholism. His father thought he was using school as a country club
and withdrew him from Johns Hopkins. He began work in 1929 as a
trainee at Brown Brothers & Co., investment bankers on Wall Street,
just two weeks before the “Great Depression” of the 1930’s. After two
years of training in investment banking, Brink joined the 1932 summer
sales school, held by IBM in Endicott, New York. He remained with
IBM until October 1936.
Shortly thereafter, Brink found that his work was interfering with
his drinking, and he resigned from the firm at the age of 30, much to
his father’s disappointment. He bought a farm in Maryland and was
Paradigm • Fall 2003
In January 1946 his sister, Mabel, died suddenly. Since she was the
only other living child, his father and mother were in shock. Brink sold
his farm and moved home to Locust Valley, Long Island, New York.
There Brink established a Kaiser-Frazer auto franchise and took into
partnership a boyhood friend. Both Smithers and his partner were
heavy drinkers. After his friend died suddenly due to alcoholism, Brink
finally realized that he had a drinking problem too.
THE CHISTOPHER D. SMITHERS FOUNDATION, INC.
After recovering from alcoholism in 1954, Brink dedicated his life to
the creation of a better understanding of alcoholism. After attending
the Yale Summer School of Alcohol Studies in 1956, Brink decided
that the family charitable foundation should concentrate on this
health problem. He also shared his personal resources to fight against
this disease.
The Smithers Foundation is neither “wet” nor “dry” and solely
concerned with alcoholism as a disease. When the Foundation made its
first alcoholism grant of $1,000 to the National Committee on
Alcoholism (now NCADD) in 1955, there were few organizations or
individuals interested in dealing with this serious, frequently fatal
illness; because among the nation’s charitable foundations, any major
interest in such a stigmatized illness was considered undignified.
A strong advocate of grass roots involvement in the war against
alcoholism, Brink and the Foundation provided seed grants to help
establish the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence
(NCADD) affiliates in 36 states and the District of Columbia. He
served for 10 years in various volunteer leadership capacities within
NCADD. Brink was Honorary President of NCADD and a member of
the executive, nominating and awards committees.
The Foundation celebrated 50 years in 2002. Over the past fifty plus
years, the Foundation, under the leadership of the late R. Brinkley
Smithers and Adele Smithers-Fornaci, worked tirelessly to remove the
stigma attached to alcoholism, to encourage others to join in the fight
against it and were instrumental in helping in every area of this
monumental task.
In 1971 his $10 million grant to New York City’s Roosevelt Hospital in
Manhattan established the Smithers Alcoholism Treatment and
Training Center. The center was first program of its type in the world
to be an integral part of a major hospital, providing detoxification,
rehabilitation and professional training. This was the largest grant ever
made by any individual or organization (including the federal
government) to the fight against alcoholism. He wanted the rehab
program run in a separate facility and personally selected a grand $1
million mansion to house it.
In 1994 Brink passed away. Only a year after his death, St. Luke’sRoosevelt Hospital Center decided to sell off the mansion and move
the center to a hospital ward. Brink’s widow, Adele Smithers-Fornaci,
is suing St. Luke’s for the sale and for its administration of a $10
million endowment left by Brink. She had discovered that the
hospital had used some of the endowment, which was restricted to
financing alcoholism treatment, for other expenses. “If money is given
for a certain cause or to be spent in a certain way, then I think it
should be used for that cause or spent in that way,” she said.
Currently, the case is pending in the New York State Supreme Court.
A trial date has not been scheduled.
Adele C. Smithers-Fornaci continues the mission of the Foundation
established by her late husband — “to create a better understanding of
this baffling, complex disease and to have alcoholism recognized as a
respectable, treatable disease from which people can and do recover.”
For the past 43 years, Adele Smithers-Fornaci has devoted herself
to the field of alcoholism. She is an activist for creating greater
understanding of alcoholism, the recipient of countless awards and
honors over the years, and remains active in many community and
charitable organizations today.M
For additional information call (516) 676-0067, email: [email protected] or
visit the Web site www.smithersfoundation.org.
The Foundation Celebrates 50 Years
For example, in 1952:
• There were practically no treatment facilities for alcoholics. Today,
alcoholics and their families may receive help and referral in just
about every community in the country. Brink’ $10 million gift to
the Roosevelt Hospital in New York City in 1971 established the
Smithers Alcoholism Treatment and Training Center. This was the
first facility for alcoholism to be included as an integral part of a
leading hospital’s program and became the model for similar units
throughout the country and the world.
• The federal government had little concern with the disease of
alcoholism. In 1970 Congress passed legislation recognizing
alcohol abuse and alcoholism as major public health problems
and created the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and
Alcoholism (NIAAA). Today NIAAA has excellent programs,
mostly in research.
• Companies and unions regarded alcoholics as “drunks” and fired
them. Today, most large corporations have Employee Assistance
Programs where such employees are referred to treatment and
restored to productive lives.
• Few physicians would treat alcoholism. Today, the American
Society of Addiction Medicine boasts thousands of members — all
involved in treating alcoholics.
• Colleges and universities ignored alcoholism. Today, few
campuses are without a program to conduct alcoholism research
and educate students to facts that they can have fun in an alcoholfree environment.
• The stigma attached to alcoholism was so strong that public figures
with alcoholism never identified themselves. Today, celebrities
speak about their alcoholism recoveries openly, and thus encourage
active alcoholics to seek help.
• Media coverage of alcoholism was scarce or “sensational” in nature.
Today, all forms of the mass media give thoughtful coverage to the
subject. Medical journals carry technical articles about it to keep
professionals abreast of developments in the field.
Paradigm • Fall 2003
5
Should I Write a
Prescription for
a Pain Patient with
? a History of Addiction
by Howard A. Heit, M.D., F.A.C.P., F.A.S.A.M.
When a
clinician is
evaluating a
patient for
treatment of
moderate to
severe pain
with opioids, it
is very
important to be
able to
differentiate
between a
patient who is
seeking pain
relief and a
patient who is
drug seeking.
6
Introduction
Assessment
The clinician should know that chronic pain is pain that
1
has outlived its usefulness. Acute pain is an adapted
beneficial response necessary for the preservation of tissue
integrity. There is no positive physiological reason for the
existence of chronic pain, and therefore it should be
treated appropriately with medicine approved by the Food
and Drug Administration consistent with state and federal
regulations for prescribing a scheduled controlled
substance. When a clinician is evaluating a patient for
treatment of moderate to severe pain with opioids, it is very
important to be able to differentiate between a patient who
is seeking pain relief and a patient who is drug seeking. If
a patient is drug seeking, the patient will declare him or
herself by not following the agreed-upon medical regimen.
This article will discuss what a clinician should consider
when deciding whether to prescribe opioids to a pain
patient with a history of addiction.
Proper pain assessment and comfort of the clinician
treating the patient remains the cornerstone of pain
management regardless of substance-abuse history. It must
be emphasized that there is no legal or regulatory obligation
to prescribe opioids on demand or at the first visit. The
treatment plan is discussed and agreed upon based on
mutual trust and honesty. The therapeutic relationship is a
team approach based on what the clinician will do for the
patient and what the patient will do for the clinician. The
following is a list of what the clinician should do and what
the patient should do before the first prescription is written:
The prevalence of addiction in the general population is
2
approximately 10 percent. At the present time, there are
no good prospective studies determining what the relapse
rate is in this patient population treated with opioids.
Therefore, patients in recovery are often discriminated
against in regard to the treatment of their pain. It just
makes sense that, if someone with moderate to severe pain
who is in recovery is not treated with appropriate
medications, his or her chance of relapse will increase,
whether it is with a legal drug such as alcohol or an illicit
drug, in an attempt to anesthetize the pain. John N.
Chappel, M.D., states that 12-step programs such as AA
and NA are compatible with the treatment of all medical
and mental disorders. (American Society of Addiction
Medicine review courses)
The clinician should:
• Take a complete history and physical examination,
including review of pertinent past medical records and
treatment successes and failures, including patient
disclosure of substance abuse history and medications
currently prescribed
• Perform an assessment to determine any underlying
psychiatric diagnoses such as anxiety, depression,
bipolar disorder, or eating disorders. Non-restorative
sleep, sexuality, and social, economic, or environmental
factors that affect the patient’s holistic well being must
also be part of the evaluation
• Provide informed consent on all opioid risk including a
statement that risk of relapse may be greater in patients
with a history of substance abuse
• Know the pharmacology of the drugs used
• Know how to taper the patient off any prescribed
medications
• Plan to document all of his or her thoughts in the chart
• Explain that he or she will work with the patient’s
significant others
It is imperative that clinicians understand the difference
between addiction, physical dependence, and tolerance
when considering opioid analgesics for patients with a
history of substance abuse (Table 1). A recovering alcoholic
or drug addict may become physically dependent during a
therapeutic trial of opioids, but this normal physiological
response to the drug must not be confused with addiction,
in which patients seek substances despite deleterious
effects on quality of life. For example, a patient could
become physically dependent on corticosteroids to treat
asthma or physically dependent on insulin to treat
diabetes, but certainly in the latter instance, we do not call
it insulin-addictive diabetes.
The patient should:
• Sign a waiver of privacy so that the clinician can
contact appropriate sources to obtain or provide
information about the patient’s care or actions or obtain
additional consultations deemed necessary
• Agree in writing upon a treatment plan based on
mutual trust and honesty. Consent to random urine
drug tests or pill counts at the clinician’s request
• Agree to start or continue recovery programs such as
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous
(NA) if there is a history of substance abuse
• Agree to the need for complete, honest self-report of
pain relief, side effects and function at each medical visit
Paradigm • Fall 2003
The clinician and patient should:
• Agree that the prescribing of opioids is a therapeutic
trial to decrease pain and increase function with
continuation of opioids based on a positive clinical
response
• Agree on regular medical visits for evaluation of the
agreed-upon treatment plan and medication refills; the
patient should bring the original bottles of prescribed
medication to each visit
• Agree on prescription renewal only during regular
office hours
• Agree that one physician and one pharmacy will be
responsible for opioid prescribing/dispensing
• Agree that any evidence of drug hoarding and/or use of
any illegal drug may cause termination of the
physician-patient relationship. Use the word “may”
instead of “will” in the agreement so clinical judgment
can be used in each situation.
• Agree that if the patient violates the agreement, patient
and physician should talk and decide if opioids are still
appropriate, adjusting the boundaries of the treatment
plan accordingly.
boundary setting must be part of any opioid treatment plan
with all patients, with or without an addictive disorder.
Through education of clinicians and patient and with
honest and open communication, pain management in
patients with or without addiction being present can
improve. This is consistent with the Hippocratic oath: “I will
prescribe a regimen for the good of my patient
according to my ability and my judgment and never do
harm to anyone.”M
Table 1
Addiction:
Addiction is a primary, chronic, neurobiologic
disease, with genetic, psychosocial, and
environmental factors influencing its
development and manifestations. It is
characterized by behaviors that include one
or more of the following: impaired control
over drug use, compulsive use, continued use
despite harm, and craving.
Treatment
Certainly not all patients with chronic or acute pain should
be treated with opioids. However, if it is determined that
opioids are needed, it is very important to choose the correct
agent to treat pain in a patient with the disease of addiction.
The clinician can choose immediate-release (IR) opioids
such as codeine or oxycodone with or without aspirin or
acetaminophen; a long-acting opioid such as methadone; or
a controlled-release (CR) opioid, in which an IR opioid,
such as morphine, oxycodone, or fentanyl, is delivered via a
controlled-release delivery system. While all opioids may
cause physical dependence and tolerance, evidence
suggests that long-acting or CR opioids are less likely to
3,4
induce tolerance and abuse than IR opioids. This clearly
would favor use of a long-acting or CR opioid for moderate
to severe pain in patients with an addiction history.
Physical Dependence:
Physical dependence is a state of adaptation
that is manifested by a drug class specific
withdrawal syndrome that can be produced
by abrupt cessation, rapid dose reduction,
decreasing blood level of the drug, and/or
administration of an antagonist.
Tolerance:
Tolerance is a state of adaptation in which
exposure to a drug induces changes that result
in a diminution of one or more of the drug’s
effects over time.
American Academy of Pain Medicine, American Pain Society, and American Society of
Addiction Medicine. Definitions Related to the Use of Opioids for the Treatment of Pain,
Glenview, IL, American Academy of Pain Medicine, 2001
Morphine should not be the opioid of choice for patients
with a history of heroin addiction, since heroin is
5
metabolized to morphine. Results of random urine drug
tests, which should be part of the treatment plan, will be
positive for morphine. The clinician will not know if the
positive result was because of the prescribed morphine or
a relapse with the use of heroin. Therefore, in this
particular clinical situation, one should choose an opioid
such as methadone, which has also been shown to have a
4
lower abuse potential than morphine.
Dr. Howard A. Heit, is board certified in internal medicine and
gastroenterology. He is also certified in addiction medicine by the American
Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM). Dr. Heit was an author, section
coordinator and an editor on the section “Pain Management and Addiction
Medicine” for ASAM’s textbook Principles of Addiction Medicine. Dr. Heit
is an assistant clinical professor of medicine at Georgetown University School
of Medicine in Fairfax, Virginia.
Conclusion
References
Moderate to severe pain is undertreated across the world,
especially in the population of patients with the disease of
addiction. For these patients who have moderate to severe
pain, the treatment regimen can include opioids. When
deciding whether to prescribe opioids to this population,
the clinician should BET on his or her patient; i.e.,
Believe, Evaluate, and Treat as indicated with a mutually
agreed-upon treatment plan, keeping in mind that
“I will
prescribe a
regimen for the
good of my
patient
according to
my ability and
my judgment
and never do
harm to
anyone.”
1. Oaklander, A.L. The pathology of pain. Neuroscientist; 5:302-310, (1999).
2. Savage, S.R. Long-term opioid therapy: assessment of consequences and risks. J
Pain Symptom Manage; 11:274-286, (1996).
3. Brookoff, D. Abuse potential of various opioid medications. J Gen Intern Med; 8:688690, (1993).
4. Garrido, M.J.,Troconiz, I,F. Methadone: a review of its pharmacokinetic/pharmacodynamic
properties. Journal of Pharmacological and Toxicological Methods; 42:61-66, (1999).
5. Braithwaite, R.A., Jarvie, D.R., Minty, P.S.B., Simpson, D. and Widdop, B. Screening
for drugs of abuse. Annals of Clinical Biochemistry; 32:123-53, (1995).
Paradigm • Fall 2003
7
INTERVENTION
Services
at the
Illinois Institute
for Addiction Recovery
Why Use Intervention?
It was once believed that an individual struggling with
addiction or resisting to change unhealthy behaviors had to
sincerely want help in order to get help. The individual had
to “hit bottom” before being motivated to change. This, of
course, is not always true.
No person can easily survive without support from
someone close to him/her. Interventions are based on this
fact. A person will continue to live his/her life of active
addiction or unhealthy behavior when friends and family
offer inappropriate support. This type of support typically
allows the addiction or behavior to continue. In most cases,
family and friends feel they are protecting the individual,
but in fact, are creating an unhealthy support system for
the person.
The intervention process addresses the unhealthy support
system that allows the addiction to progress. Addiction
breeds secrecy and isolation for both the individual and
those who care about him/her. The intervention process
brings together family, friends and other concerned persons
and creates a support network for each member. The
support network in turn engages and empowers the
individual to grow and change in a positive way.
How do you Conduct an Intervention?
In the ARISE method (A Relational Intervention Sequence
for Engagement), a three stage approach is utilized to
match the level of effort used by the intervention network
to the resistance of the individual in order to motivate a
start in treatment. A network of support is formed which
will be used to advocate for the person to change his/her
behavior. A trained professional works closely with
members of the network and facilitates each stage of
the intervention.
What Occurs in an Intervention?
An intervention is the action taken by family, friends an employer and/or concerned others
to actively assist someone to change unacceptable behavior. The problem areas that an
intervention typically addresses are addiction to: alcohol and/or other drugs, nicotine,
food, the Internet, sex, spending/shopping, and gambling as well as a need for a nursing
home, medical assistance, domestic violence protection, and chronic pain with addiction.
8
In Stage III, family and friends set limits and consequences
for the individual in a loving and supportive way.
By the time the intervention network gets to this point,
the individual has been given and has refused many
opportunities to enter treatment. Because the individual
has been invited to each of these meetings, this final limit
setting approach is a natural consequence and does not
come as a surprise.
The ARISE process is designed to protect and enhance
the long-term nature of the family relationships, while at
the same time removing the addiction or behavior from
controlling the family.
When Can an Intervention Occur?
A call placed to the Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery
by a concerned person starts the intervention process. A
professional and the concerned person will plan the date
and time of the first meeting.
Who Can Be Involved in an Intervention?
The support network for an intervention is comprised of
family, friends and others with a caring, significant
relationship to the individual. All members of the
support network must agree to empower the individual to
make change, not shame or humiliate him/her because of
past behavior.M
All members of
the support
network must
agree to
empower the
individual to
make change,
not shame or
humiliate
him/her
because of
past behavior.
For more information about Intervention or other services offered through
the Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery or to speak with the Business
Manager about program cost, please call 1 (800) 522-DRUG (3784) or visit
the Web site www.addictionrecov.org.
The Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery
has centers at the following three locations:
Each stage of the intervention has its own goals.
What is an Intervention?
strategies to reach the individual with the goal of
treatment engagement.
Stage I uses motivational techniques designed specifically for
telephone coaching.
Professionals help you establish a basis of hope, identify
whom to invite to the intervention meeting, design a
strategy to mobilize the group and teach techniques to
successfully invite the individual to the first meeting.
Stage II follows if starting treatment does not occur from the
initial efforts.
Typically, between two to five face-to-face sessions are
held, with or without the individual present, to mobilize
the intervention network in developing motivational
Proctor Hospital
5409 N. Knoxville Avenue
Peoria, IL 61614
BroMenn Regional Medical Center
Virginia at Franklin
Normal, IL 61761
Illinois Institute for Addiction
Recovery at Springfield
3050 Montvale Drive
Springfield, IL 62704
Paradigm • Fall 2003
9
On Track
The Hunt for
HEROES,
HEAVEN and
HAPPINESS
by Pamela Teaney Thomas, M.Ed.
“The secret of happiness is not doing what one likes
but in liking what one has to do.” —Unknown
A little boy quietly came to answer the door.
In America the number of books on happiness has
quadrupled in recent years. The therapy industry has
tripled, and anti-depressant prescriptions have increased
five fold. Cosmetic surgeries are rocketing each year. Half
of all Americans dream of becoming rich. Baby boomers
(born between 1946-64) assume they should be happy and
are four times more likely to say they are not satisfied with
their lives than their parents’ generation. Incidence of
psychological depression is ten times what it was pre World
War II. Following in their parents’ footsteps, a recent survey
in our community revealed that over 42 percent of our high
school students felt sad or depressed most of the time.
Why, when we are the wealthiest, healthiest, most
educated generation in our nation’s history?
Outside stood a salesman, “Is your mother here?”
President
Abraham
Lincoln stated,
“People are
about as happy
as they make
up their minds
to be.”
“Yes,” whispered back the little boy.
“May I talk to her?” inquired the man.
Still in a whisper, the boy answered, “She’s busy.”
“How about your father, is he here?”
“He’s busy too.”
“Well, is there anyone else here?”
I am Here to Say That Happiness is Over Rated!
“Yes, a fireman and a policeman.”
Frustrated the salesman asked, “What are they
all doing?”
Quietly the boy answered back, “They are all looking
for me!”
In 1979 as a young high school teacher, I had hopes of
inspiring young people to look for success in their lives. I
soon discovered many of our youth walking into the dead
end trap of violence, drug and alcohol abuse — destroying
their dreams. Reaching out to help them, I began
wondering what factors would lead some people to use and
abuse and others not. Why were these young people
searching for happiness in physical beauty, money, fame,
power or drugs?
10
When our expectations (what we think we deserve) are
higher than what we have, we become unhappy. For
example, when we see gorgeous women or brawny muscular
men, we compare ourselves to them and become unhappy.
We play the game. “I’ll be happy when I lose 50 pounds,
when I win the lottery or when I get a car.” Even when we
get the car, we are only happy momentarily. Then we desire
one with mag wheels, or with this or that. The list gets
longer. Never being happy or content with what we have.
We need to put on different glasses in order to truly
see ourselves; glasses that help us view our world in a
Paradigm • Fall 2003
Happiness is about the process, not the end. We cannot
just arrive at it. Too many people are waiting to “arrive at
happiness” before they can enjoy life. The essence of
happiness is pausing to savor the gift of the present
moment. We find it not in the big things, but really in the
small events along the way. For example, we can find
happiness while at lunch with a close friend, reading a
bedtime story with your child, on an evening walk with
your spouse, or curling up by the fire with a good book. The
old adage, “Take time to smell the roses” is still viable.
President Abraham Lincoln stated, “People are about as
happy as they make up their minds to be.”
The hunt for heroes has taken a similar voyage with the
help of Hollywood. In John Wayne’s day one needed
friends to help get the job done and be a hero. Then along
came Rambo and the Terminator showing us that we only
need ourselves, a dose of anger and revenge to be a hero.
Action figures like the Power Rangers do not even have a
mouth to speak with, yet they were heroes through acts of
power. More recently many young people looked to movie
and rock stars as their heroes since they had the ultimate
goals of fame, fortune, and power at their fingertips.
On September 11, 2001, our country had a paradigm shift
in thinking regarding what a true hero was. For the first
time in decades, people saw the common person —
firemen, policemen and common citizens — doing their
job well, putting others before themselves and showing the
power the “will” has over their thoughts and emotions.
These true heroes were serving and saving others. These
people were elevated back to being the true heroes through
their actions of being unselfish, caring, and giving. Even at
Halloween, many children were excited about fireman and
policeman costumes.
We can look in our own lives for the everyday heroes who
are caring, giving, unselfish and are serving as mentors to
us. A mentor is like a hero — only better. You can idolize
and admire a hero from a distance. On the other hand, a
mentor is part of your life offering new ideas; changing the
way we look at the world and ourselves, and helping us
discover latent abilities and talents. Take time to thank the
mentors in your life and strive to become a mentor yourself.
If we, in the helping profession, can use the national
experience of 9/11 to help people understand the power of
the mental shift in thinking that took place, we can help
them to see the power the “will” has over our thoughts and
emotions when stuck in a destructive thought process. The
“will” can override any emotions or thoughts we have. A
simple example of the “power of the will” is experienced
each morning when the alarm goes off and we think we are
still too tired and do not feel like getting up. Nevertheless,
the will takes over and we get up! This same “power of the
will” can be used in choosing to see our self and the world
through positive glasses. The “will” can be used to change
the mental talk in our brain, thereby, changing the feelings.
(Even though we did not feel like getting up, once the “will”
changes and we get up; the feeling changes with the
action). Life is a series of problems that can be seen as
obstacles or opportunities. We can use the glasses to see
the world as Heaven or as Hell.
Humans have three levels of being — physical, mental and
spiritual. Americans have put too much emphasis on the
development of the physical and mental over the years.
Spirituality and good character have been sadly missed
leaving a void in our lives. This void within has led many
people to try filling it with drugs and alcohol in pursuit of
heaven and happiness. The new 9/11 heroes have also
brought back to mind the importance of good character
and spirituality. When we take time to develop our
relationship with God and value good character traits
within ourselves and others, we see the world and our
expectations in a totally new light that is not based on
physical looks, money, fame and power. Our expectations
of what we think we deserve become — what can we do to
serve others? We become unselfish, caring and giving
which are ingredients for becoming a mentor and a true
hero. When all three levels of being (physical, mental and
spiritual) are in balance, there can be peace, joy and
happiness. Over 2000 years ago King Solomon said, “As a
man thinketh so is he.” Proverbs 23:7.M
Happiness is
about the
process, not
the end. We
cannot just
arrive at it.
Pamela Teaney Thomas is currently the Safe and Drug Free
Schools/Communities Coordinator for the Rapid City Area Schools in
South Dakota. She is an award-winning presenter, national motivational
speaker, educator and counselor. She has served on regional and state
prevention advisory boards, conducted extensive training’s on prevention
and building resiliency in youth. You may contact Ms. Teaney Thomas by
email at [email protected].
Put your “Will” to work:
• Live beneath your means and within your seams
• Do not make excuses
• Stop blaming other people
• Admit it when you make a mistake
• Be kind to kind people
• Be even kinder to unkind people
• Cultivate good manners
• Let someone cut ahead of you in line
• Take time to be alone
• Reread a favorite book
• Be humble
• Pray
• Find a mentor
• Thank a mentor
• Become a mentor
• Do not sweat the small stuff
• Count your blessings and name them one by one!
• Dance like there is nobody watching!
• Sing like there is nobody listening!
• Live like this is heaven on earth!
Paradigm • Fall 2003
Art Untitled by Richard Gallagher Courtesy of NARSAD
How many times do we go looking for something we want
— only to look in the wrong places — when all along it was
right under our noses!
We have become a generation rearing another generation
to feel entitled to good looks, money, fame, power and
feeling happy almost all the time. The new hit television
reality and extreme makeover shows whet the appetite for
these misguided goals. Sandwiched between the shows is a
mountain of drugs advertised for every ailment. We have
created a pill for every ill.
positive and grateful way. This does not mean that setting
goals and reaching for excellence is wrong. However, if we
are to find happiness, we must count our blessings, be
thankful for who we are and what we have along the
journey. If our expectations are closer to what we have,
then joy can abound.
11
by Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., LPC, NCC
Sara dreaded hearing the telephone
ring in the morning, as it was most
likely one of her family members
wanting her to do something for
them. No matter how hard she tried
to ignore the ringing, she was
unable to. Almost every time she
answered the phone, it was an aunt,
uncle,
mother,
grandmother,
brother, or another family member
asking her to do a favor for them.
She never refused the request, even
though she felt that they were taking
advantage of her.
Too Much
Too Much Empathy? Too Much
Empathy? Too Much Empathy Too
Too Much Empathy? Too Much
EMPATHY
12
Jed wondered if his wife would be
very upset if he stopped at Bill’s
house on the way home as he had
done for the past two weeks. Nancy,
his wife, had begun to make
comments about all the time he
spent over there. Jed hoped that she
would understand that his friend
needed him as he was going through
the breakup of his relationship, and
Jed felt his pain and loneliness. He
really felt that his friend needed
him, but that Nancy did not
appreciate his caring for his friend.
If asked why they were so responsive in spite of
their feeling, or the inconvenience, Sara and Jed
would likely reply that they had too much
empathy. They felt strongly that others needed
them, they could feel what others were feeling,
and had to do something to make them feel
better. You too may be like Sara and Jed and
think that you have too much empathy, and find
that you are overly responsive to others’ feelings
and concerns. If you feel that you have too
much empathy, think again. It is really a case of
“catching others emotions,” but it is not empathy.
If you have ever felt paralyzed, overwhelmed, or
caught up in other people’s feelings, and either
felt like running away, or that you were expected
to do something about their feelings; then you
understand what it is like to “catch” other people’s feelings.
You, and others, may think that you care too much for
other people, and/or that you are too empathic, when
actually you do not have sufficient boundary strength to
prevent catching other’s emotions, nor are you able to keep
from identifying with those emotions, and acting to reduce
them. Typically the outcome is that you carry the emotions
for the person, which allows that person to “feel better.”
They did not resolve what produced the emotion; instead,
they gave it away and you accepted it. This scenario is a
major premise for, Whose life is it anyway?: When to stop
taking care of their feelings and start taking care of your own
(Brown, 2002).
Family Enmeshment
Lack of sufficient boundary strength and susceptibility to
“catching” other people’s feelings begin with family
enmeshment. The family is where you learn to take care of
other people’s feelings, and to give their feelings and needs
priority over your feelings and needs. This is a trap that
allows you to be manipulated or intimated to do things you
do not want to do, and/or are not in your best interest just
because you were conditioned to feel responsible for the
psychological and emotional well-being of other people.
You may even have been a parentified child where you took
care of a parent’s psychological and emotional needs
instead of the parent taking care of yours. This experience
caused your not being able to develop sufficient boundary
strength to repel external assaults from “senders” who are
trying to get rid of their uncomfortable feelings, manipulate
you to do what they want you to do, and are self-absorbed.
As a “catcher,” you take in the uncomfortable feelings, and
allow yourself to be manipulated by your feelings of guilt
and shame. These feelings are triggered by the thought that
you are not taking care of the sender, and are not able to
block these internal and external feelings well enough to
take care of yourself.
Long Term Effects
If you are enmeshed or overwhelmed by other’s feelings,
you can suffer some long term physical and psychological
effects. You may not connect them to your family of origin
experiences, but, until you are more separated and develop
your own personal identity, you may not be able to
effectively address many of these effects. Do you have
several of the following conditions?
• Chronic physical health problems such as hypertension.
• Long-term depression unconnected to a specific event.
• Feel that your life lacks meaning and purpose.
• Few meaningful and satisfying relationships.
• A feeling that life is passing you by.
• Lack of power and control over your life.
• A yearning for meaningful connections.
• Feeling closed in.
• Wanting desperately to get away.
Becoming Overwhelmed
You do not have too much empathy, what really happens is
that you end up with other people’s unwanted feelings
because your emotional shielding is not sufficient to repel
external and internal assaults on yourself, and you become
overwhelmed. However, once empathy is defined, one can
better understand why catching other people’s feelings are
not empathy. True empathy occurs when you open
yourself to experience what the other person is
feeling without losing your sense of yourself as
separate and distinct from that person. It is the last
part that many people who catch emotions lack; they do
not have the ability to stay connected to oneself, and to
deeply know and understand that the other person is not an
extension of oneself.
Some of the following behaviors, feelings and attitudes are
symptomatic of being enmeshed.
The concept, extensions of self, is abstract and complex and
cannot be fully explained here. There is a broader
discussion for this in Children of the self-absorbed (Brown,
2001), and in “The destructive narcissistic pattern” (Brown,
1998). This article offers you some idea of what is meant by
that concept. Examples of an inability to see others as separate
and distinct from your self include any of the following.
• You cannot say no to one or more family members
even when you have to make considerable personal
sacrifices to take care of their needs, wishes, desires,
and requests.
• You take the responsibility for the harmony, happiness
and well-being of adults in your family.
• Whenever there is a family or social event, you work
hard to ensure harmony.
• You feel blamed when things do not go smoothly, or
right for family members.
• You get very upset when you have to say, “no” to a
family member.
• You are fulfilling one or both parents’ dreams for you.
• There are many times when you feel overwhelmed
with family responsibilities, and wish that you just had
more time for yourself.
• There are times when you feel that family members
take advantage of you and your good nature.
• Naming children derivatives of parents’ names, or the
son as “Junior.”
• Using others’ possessions without first asking
permission.
• Choosing children or partner’s friends, careers, or even
their clothing to be what you like.
• Making decisions for family members without any
consultation.
• Giving orders and expecting that they will be promptly
obeyed.
• Volunteering your children or partner’s services without
first asking.
• Touching others, such as hugs and kisses, without first
asking permission.
• Expectations that others can read your mind, and know
what you want or mean.
• Becoming angry when others do not do what you want
them to do.
Being Enmeshed
Paradigm • Fall 2003
You do not
have too much
empathy, what
really happens
is that you end
up with other
people’s
unwanted
feelings
because your
emotional
shielding is not
sufficient to
repel external
and internal
assaults on
yourself, and
you become
overwhelmed.
Continued on page 22
13
by JoAnn Deak, Ph.D.
Girls Will
Be Girls
Raising Confident, Courageous Daughters
Part I: Brain Science and Strudel Theory
“The ‘girl thing’ has been overdone,” a national media
commentator told me one day, explaining why she was not
interested in doing any more shows on girl topics for the
foreseeable future. It was true; there had been a wave of
stories, more accurately a tidal wave of media attention on
the subject of relational aggression among girls. A couple of
highly publicized books on the subject had just come out,
and the media had, indeed, been awash in stories about
girl meanness.
... the real “girl
thing” that
is rarely
addressed is
girls’ capacity
as critical
thinkers and
relational
architects,
their
willingness to
take the world
as-is and
act on it.
Art Titled “Little Mommy” by Larry W alker Courtesy of NARSAD
14
I agree, “the girl thing” has been overdone, but overdone
only if the “thing” we are discussing is the developmental
caricature of girls as a subset of the species that is catty,
gossipy and socially evil. Do girls
struggle with the complexities of
development? Of course — what
child doesn’t? However, I have
worked with girls, parents, and
teachers of girls for more than
twenty years, and there is more —
much more — that distinguishes
girl life.
In addition, brain research is showing clearly that the
development of language and all of the nuances of use
happen much earlier for most girls than for most boys.
Combine these two girl ingredients — the need to affiliate
and the well-developed language facility — and you have a
subset of the species that cares deeply about belonging
and connecting, has a propensity for emotional expression
and intimacy, and often a heightened sensitivity for
reading the social scene. Put those early language skills to
work expressing the very strong, visceral adolescent
emotions, and find that adolescent girls can and do get
hurt very much by the behavior and words of others, and
can and do use their language for interactional purposes,
both positive and negative.
The grain of truth is this: it really
matters to girls if they fit in, are
liked, and have a place in
the social and school community.
This is a natural and needed part
of the genetic makeup of the
female species based in part on
the evolutionary fact that females
need to be somewhat preprogrammed to care for and be
connected to other humans. This
is the basis of human survival.
Roughly translated, whether a girl
is strong and independent or not,
she has very strong feelings and
is somewhat driven to belong.
Current research is also providing
evidence that under stressful or
challenging conditions, females
produce not only adrenaline, but
also oxytocin. This chemical
predisposes females to want to
cluster and interact with other
humans. Therefore, under social
stress, girls are propelled more
than ever to cluster, and clustering
inevitably includes some and
leaves out those who are
somewhat different.
However, the real “girl thing” that
is rarely addressed is girls’ capacity
as critical thinkers and relational
architects, their willingness to take
the world as-is and act on it. Girls
today live on the pioneering edge
of social transformation that is
unprecedented in history. Theirs is
a future in which girls and boys,
and men and women, will seek
partnership and intimacy in new
relationship styles, and a future in
which the very qualities of female
intelligence, energy and wisdom
will have currency like never
before, which can transform life
around the globe in ways never
possible before.
Nora, a high school senior
described it to me this way: “It’s
pretty hard being a girl nowadays.
You can’t be too smart, too dumb,
too pretty, too ugly, too friendly, too
coy, too aggressive, too defenseless,
too individual, or too programmed.
If you’re too much of anything, then
others envy you, or despise you
because you intimidate them or
make them jealous. It’s like you
have to be everything and nothing
all at once, without knowing which
you need more of.”
How could we not be talking about
that, about how girls grow and what
they need from us and from their
environment to grow into healthy,
Paradigm • Fall 2003
resilient, self-expressed women? How we can nourish and
prepare girls for the extraordinary demands of our time?
In my work with girls and the adults who live and work with
them, I find that parents, teachers and girls themselves are
hungry for two kinds of information. They want the “hard
science” — specifically new information about the
neurological growth of girls. Also, they want a
commonsensical way of thinking about “growing up girl”
that, for the adults, enables them to support girls’ growth
into young women who are smart, strong and emotionally
resilient. Girls themselves are eager for the information
because it helps them understand themselves. It helps
explain the internal and interpersonal dynamics, which
they grapple with every day as a part of the relational
dimension that is so compelling and vivid for them. I have
found that the “hard science” is a lot easier for them to
digest if I share my Strudel Theory of child development in
language they enjoy and understand.
Strudel Theory: Building a Life with
Layers of Experience
When we see a little boy turn to the box of blocks and
a little girl head for the dress-up corner, we see the
backdrop for the “nature versus nurture” debate: are
gender preferences the result of genetic “hard-wiring,” or of
socializing influences in the environment? The answer
stimulates heated debates in some circles, but only in
terms of how much. We accept that individuals are shaped
by nature and nurture. It is the cumulative effect of nature,
nurture and life experience that shapes a child, and it does
so in some special ways from the very beginning when that
child is a girl.
Basic Strudel Theory says that each of us is born with the
main ingredient (our nature), but it is the layering of that
with other ingredients (nurturing) and the interaction of
them all together over time (life experience) that creates
the finished product.
Think about a girl you know well — maybe a student,
maybe your own daughter — and her personality, and label
it either sweet cherries or tart apples. Starting with
that main ingredient, imagine adding a cup of sugar
(your loving attention), some salt and spices (friends and
family interactions), a pastry crust (home and school
environments), and some heat (the excitement and
pressures of everyday life) and bake it all together. No
matter how carefully you measure or mix those ingredients,
each strudel is going to turn out a little differently,
depending on the characteristics of the fruit and spices,
and the chemistry that occurs in the mixing and baking.
In human terms, Strudel Theory says that whatever
qualities a girl’s basic nature brings to the mix, the layering
of experiences and actions over time, on an hourly, daily,
weekly, monthly and yearly basis, leave a lasting impression
on a girl and profoundly shape her image of herself and
herself in relation to others.
Research offers insights into the nature of girls and the
distinctly female development of the core neurological
system, which includes thinking, perceiving, feeling and
movement — in other words, the nature of a girl’s
experiences. A few simple points about brain development
help set the stage for understanding the female experience
of life and learning from the earliest days of life, when the
layering begins.
Girl Brains: The Accent on Caring and
Complex Thought
We each are born with an existing pattern and number of
neurons, or nerve cells, that conduct impulses throughout
the body and to and from the brain. However, with each
experience and with layered experiences using the same
sets of neurons, two things happen. First, the axon, or nerve
cell body, becomes thicker with added coats of the myelin,
a fatty covering on a nerve that conducts an impulse faster
and more effectively as it grows thicker. The entire neuron
grows thicker through this process of myelination. Basically,
as a neuron or set of neurons is used, it gets bigger and
better. Second, the dendrites, branch-like connections
between neurons, also grow “bushier” with use. With no or
little use, dendrites do not grow, and with time, are
naturally “pruned out” of the system. Neurons with more
dendrites conduct impulses, or thoughts, more effectively
and efficiently, so we want to grow dendrites and have
“bushy” areas in many parts of our brains.
From birth to about age three, the human nervous system
is primed for growth. Just like a tree, it grows quickly
during this early stage, and that growth establishes the
basic pattern for our brain “tree” development. Those areas
that develop the most branches (dendrites) and the
sturdiest branches will be the strongest part of the tree, or
in this case, the brain.
We now know that this process of dendritic growth can, and
does, happen all through life. However, just like the tree, it
is harder to prune large branches, or habits, than smaller
branches. Once something is learned or felt for a long
enough period of time, it is harder to change. It is also easier
to grow bigger branches early in the tree’s life than later
when the patterns of growth have already been established.
The lower or mid-brain, called the limbic system, and more
specifically, an almond-size portion of the mid-brain, called
the amygdala is the neurological home of our emotions.
The amygdala has a powerful influence on all thoughts and
behaviors, especially in the female. Females seem to have
a very sensitive and active amygdala. The thought process
in both the female and male brain, intertwine the activity
of the cortex (the pecan-shaped gray matter, which is the
center of rational thought) and this amygdala, the
emotional center of the brain. This tells us that there is no
such thing as totally rational thought; our thoughts always
have amygdala involvement. However, research indicates
that the female brain usually has more amygdala
involvement than the male brain under the same
circumstances. Research has not yet discerned an
explanation for this, but evolutionary scientists suggest
there must be a survival advantage for the female of a
species to be hard-wired to feel some emotions, especially
negative ones, more frequently and more intensely than the
male of the species.
What does all this mean? To use the Strudel Theory
metaphor, the female “strudel” is very different from the
Paradigm • Fall 2003
It is the
cumulative
effect of
nature, nurture
and life
experience
that shapes a
child, and it
does so in
some special
ways from the
very beginning
when that child
is a girl.
Continued on page 18
15
Perspectives
S ET IH EZ MI ONM EGN T
SEIZING
THE S E I Z I N G
M O MMoment
ENT
MOMENT
THE
MOMENT
ENT SEIZING THE MOMENT SEIZING
the
SEIZING THE
by Grace Jo P. O’Leary, C.A.D.C.
Although we
may live in
the moment,
we want
a guarantee
that our
self-expression
will not be
misunderstood,
judged, or
appear
awkward.
Art Untitled by Jeffery Guerin Courtesy of NARSAD
16
Seize the moment when you encounter: a stranger, an
acquaintance or a friend. You can decide how it will go.
Whether it is a brief smile, an elevator exchange, or the
beginning of a beautiful day. You can set the tone, tune in
the sunshine. This article suggests that seizing a moment
of connection may build a wave, which washes clear
certain misperceptions.
Many of us are wary. The culture and life experiences teach
us that we may not measure up to others’ expectations. We
respond by hedging on spontaneity. Although we may live
in the moment, we want a guarantee that our selfexpression will not be misunderstood, judged, or appear
awkward. Being safe is to be condemned to someone else’s
worldview. That is a huge sacrifice to make unknowingly.
The barriers to seizing a moment of connection are selfpreservation and shame. First, never overlook the uh-oh
feeling. John Bradshaw’s book, Healing the Shame that
Binds You opens by saying, “Because of its preverbal origins,
shame is difficult to define.” The healthy type is an
acknowledgment of limitations. The toxic variety has been
internalized from others. My parents learned their shame
from someone, they gave it to me, and from me my
children learned theirs. The cycle is endless. We get it, and
we give it until we thrust a stick in the spokes to stop it.
But first, it is necessary to acknowledge, in the secret place
where you hate someone for dying, that you can recognize
in yourself the effects of shame. I am describing patient
recovery or the fairly normal stuff. The acknowledgment of
my own shame unlocked the paralysis of waiting for
someone to tell me how to be. Let me start with a moment
in January of this year.
The Insight
On a bitter Chicago morning, I sat near the door listening
to the Sunday speaker. Michael, a longtime acquaintance,
was cutting out early. I glanced up at the feeling of being
watched. Our eyes met. Instead of smiling broadly
because I like him, I waited for Michael’s cue. This was a
shame-based response. The greater loss unfolded during
the week. I awoke the following Sunday morning with an
understanding. When I had perceived Michael’s attention,
I could have looked up, smiled, and shared the moment.
Instead, I waited for his signal. The moment was stillborn,
a missed opportunity for both of us. Our power, as John
Bradshaw says, comes from admitting “the shame that
binds” us.
I realized I could decide in the moment how I want to
think and feel on that Sunday morning. I became aware
that it is my own thoughts that need fixing. Instead of
waiting, as I am culturally conformed to do, I can
originate the feelings, I want to experience, the outcome
I desire. An exponential change! However, absent any
conscious decision and reframing, my subliminal
mapping willingly supplies shame-filled preordained
choices. In its quest for security, the culture shames
spontaneity. Yet, spontaneity is the power of the moment.
It is in the moment that God’s grace lingers. Now that I
recognize this enormous and transitory power, how can I
implement such revolutionary choices?
First, I contacted Michael to share this revelation.
Although acknowledging he probably noticed me on his
way out, Michael did not recall the details — others to
whom I related the experience identified immediately.
The Keys
There are three keys: awareness, altering expectations, and
transforming automatic shame-based behavior into the
willingness for something positive. This may appear to
require more courage than you think you have. Initially, it
may feel awkward, artificial, and disingenuous. Harder
perhaps for women, for it might mean rejection and
Paradigm • Fall 2003
ridicule at first. It was difficult for me at first. Status quo is
a powerful inhibitor. On a subsequent Sunday, I walked in
late. Matt, someone I have known for several years and
whom I respect and admire, caught my eye. I looked away
instead of smiling to acknowledge someone else I like and
learn from. Yet, the awareness was instant. Afterward, Matt
and I talked about my looking away and the change I was
making. There is no question, being open with the people
in your life is hard.
Awareness
Awareness is not only being in the absolute moment, it is
a consciousness of its details. Serendipity hides in the
moment. Taking advantage of chance encounters gains
the power of the moment. Such power imprints and
energizes. It is suspecting that even an enemy might smile
because you are both wearing the same color. Scriptwriter
clichés and ancient expectations dilute and distort this
power by reducing it to repetition of the same old same old.
To be aware of others requires focusing on their wants
and needs. Perhaps pivotal to awareness of others is prayer.
In my daily affairs, I come in contact with many
in need of my prayers. Therefore, my encounter may well
be a person for whom I have already sought God’s goodness
and generosity.
Expectation
The second key is expecting that the other person might
also enjoy a human connection — not sex, coffee, and
forever — just a brief exchange. It is attributing good
motives instead of bad ones. Perhaps the stranger is in
desperate need of a smile. Perhaps the woman across the
table is not after your job; she just wants your friendship
and your expertise.
Perhaps the other person is waiting for you to smile or to
speak. When you insist that the other person speak first,
nod first, or risk first, you hand over the moment’s power as
surely as cash at the checkout stand with nothing to show
for it. You are not gaining respect and control; you are
robbing both of you. Isn’t the sunshine of another’s smile
what you deserve? By delaying your response, are you
tricking them into believing you are valuable? The odds are
excellent that the other person simply seeks the sunshine
of your smile. If not, maybe you have softened the ice
rather than adding another layer.
Shame was finally identified for me in such a visceral way, I
recognized its presence as intimately as drops of my own
blood. Bonnie DenDooven, speaking about attachment
disorders as they are expressed in work and money
addictions, finally lanced the vein that even I could see.
Presented by The Meadows of Wickenburg, AZ, her
workshop was attended by those charged with the emotional
well being of others. I finally had the courage to acknowledge
that the shame was mine, not my patients’, not my parents’,
not my children’s, not my friends’ and not recovery peers’. It
was mine. Once I named it and admitted to it, I had the
power to understand it. From that came greater acceptance
of myself and others, and the freedom to risk creating
something I want rather than once again settling for what I
get. I had to accept that I am okay just as I am.
Caveats
If this sounds scary or impossible, place this article in your
planner six months hence. You will be amazed at what
happens during the incubation. If, like me, you did not
receive much emotional nourishment in childhood and
getting beyond the shriveling shame seems impossible, talk
to someone you trust. Before I started recovery, I was
invalidated on a regular basis, indecisive, and the person I
am today was so deeply buried that no one would have
predicted the success I have accomplished. Now I know I
am making progress when I start to sing too early and that
shriveling feeling is missing.
In the months since this revelation, I have had many
opportunities to practice seizing the moment. The start
was small and fleeting. I wished a CTA motorman a good
day. I smiled at people I passed. Not condescendingly, but
recognizing them as deserving, too. When I get to work I
am smiling. It is easier to give people the benefit of the
doubt. Although I was raised in a culture that devalued
women, I have come to see them as important, as worthy
of my respect and as friends.
Sensitivity and prudence are also warranted in seizing the
moment. Our instant impressions are usually accurate.
Over time we learn to trust them. Ultimately, the goal is to
thrive with others, instead of just trying to impress or
control them.M
Expectation is a powerful shaper of the future. It kicks
people out of hospitals, kicks them upstairs, and kicks in
the vault. A smile for someone you think has no use for you
will make them wonder. Who has not been warmed and
lifted by an unexpected smile, an unexpected connection
or an unexpected encouragement?
Grace Jo O’Leary began her writing career in the Pentagon as
an editorial assistant creating position books for the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
She has written articles, newspaper features, reports and authored a series
of group-work exercises for DUI clients. Further, Ms. O’Leary has
authored a novel, Dragged Out of the Future, which explores addiction:
“what it was like, what happened, what it’s like now.” Currently, she is
working on a sequel, and creates marketing and newsletters for Roger J.
French, Attorney at Law in Chicago, IL. You may contact Ms. O’Leary by
email at [email protected].
Transforming Shame
Cited Work and Bibliography
The third key is transforming automatic shame-based
behavior into its diametric possibility. It is removing
programmed distortions for possibilities which enhance.
Shame is the huge barrier everyone pretends is not there.
Kind of like debt — its effects are pungent and
profound, but we want to overlook ours while focusing
on someone else’s.
Our instant
impressions
are usually
accurate. Over
time we learn
to trust them.
Bradshaw, John. Healing the Shame That Binds You. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health
Communications Inc., (1988).
Herman, Judith Lewis. Trauma and Recovery: The aftermath of violence-from domestic
abuse to political terror. New York: Basic Books, (1997).
Miller, Alice. The Drama of the Gifted Child. Trans. Ruth Ward. New York: Basic Books,
Inc., (1981).
Wegscheider-Cruse, Sharon. Choice-Making. Pompano Beach, FL: Health
Communications, Inc., (1985).
Paradigm • Fall 2003
17
Raising Confident, Courageous Daughters
Continued from page 15
We cannot
make a girl
develop a
certain way,
but we can
intentionally
layer
opportunities
and
experiences to
support and
enhance
optimal
development.
male “strudel” at the most basic level. The combination of
different “ingredients” by gender and by individual
combine with the experiences layered over time to exert a
strong influence on the end product [i.e. each individual].
This readiness of the system, not just psychologically, but
in terms of the hardwiring of the brain, is very important in
thinking about the earliest parenting responses to girls and
responses throughout a girl’s life. Females and males seem
to have differing timelines of physical and brain
development, especially during the formative years.
In terms of phonics or spelling readiness, girls can and do
move into reading earlier than boys, often up to two years
earlier. Boys are able to do spatial tasks much earlier than
girls like building those Lego models, for instance. Society
thought that this was due to experience, toys, or other
influences that were gender stereotypes. Brain research
now clearly shows that the structure of the female and
male brain is different at birth. Female brains have more
neurons in certain areas than male brains as a result of
having more estrogen “bathing” them during fetal
development. It is thought that about 80 percent of girls
come into the world with this “female differentiated” brain,
and about 20 percent arrive with a more “male
differentiated” brain. (This only references neurological
predispositions — not sexuality.)
The infant girl in the 80 percent group comes into the world
with three key predispositions as a result of femaledifferentiated brain:
• She is more likely to be more highly developed in the
cognitive areas of language facility, auditory skills, fine
motor skills, and sequential/detailed thinking.
• In comparison to the male brain, the female has a more
decentralized brain that uses many parts for a singular
task: a more integrated brain, which uses both
hemispheres for most tasks, a more developed corpus
callosum, the bridge between the left and right
hemispheres that allows communication back and forth,
and enhances the integration of those brain activities.
• The limbic system appears to be more sensitive and
more active in females. Consequently, females’
thoughts are more integrated with the emotional
system more frequently and more intensely than most
males. In everyday activity, a girl views the moment
with both the rational and emotional parts of her
brain, so seemingly “unemotional” situations contain
an emotional component for her.
In the layering of experience, the world can and does
intervene. Early experiences can exacerbate these slight
gender predispositions or modify them in the other
direction. During the formative years, what is experienced
has significant impact on the wiring of the brain and the
development of the personality.
Keep in mind that use increases the dendritic branching,
and neuron growth; this growth improves the facility of
thinking in the used area, and the formative years are the
high neurologic “tree” growth time. This means that boys
who are quickly building those Lego models use their
spatial neurons because they are good at it, and there is a
brain comfort factor with this activity. As boys continue to
18
engage in this kind of play, they are growing even more
dendrites and making these particular neurological
connections even stronger. Girls, on the other hand, are
spending hardly any time in the block area and are,
therefore, not increasing dendritic growth and neurologic
strength in that area, but are probably “pruning back” the
number of dendrites there because of little usage. This is
the area of the brain that deals with math and logic-based
problem-solving later in life. It is a critical area of
development in terms of later success in school and in life
in general.
‘Logging in’ for Optimal Brain Growth
I refer to usage and time spent in a particular skill area as
“log in” time. It is important for girls (and boys) to spend
“log in” time in areas that are counter to their neurologic
“grain.” Translation, for optimal lifelong neurological
balancing and growth, girls generally need to spend more
time in the block corner and boys need to spend more time
in the writing/drawing corner. Provided in an enjoyable
way, these early against-the-grain gender experiences help
create a well-balanced brain that is better equipped to
handle the range of tasks and challenges that brain will
have to contend with throughout life. This concept can be
expanded to many areas. Young girls need to be spending
time in all of the areas that they are not as hard-wired to
choose early on of their own accord. For the 80 percent, that
would be:
• Gross motor tasks: skipping, riding a bike, climbing
• Spatial tasks: puzzles, tangrams, carpentry, orienteering
• Strategy and problem solving: team games and sports,
checkers
• Risk taking: doing anything that takes a bit of courage
on a particular girl’s part. This can range tremendously
by individual.
If you have a “20 percent” girl, then she needs to spend more
time on:
• Fine motor tasks: painting, drawing, tying, zipping
• Auditory tasks: books on tape, rhyming, reading poems
and stories aloud
• Sequential and detailed thinking: hidden word puzzles,
jigsaw puzzles, putting things in order, alphabetizing
• Connecting with others: cooperative play, volunteer work
We cannot make a girl develop a certain way, but we can
intentionally layer opportunities and experiences to support
and enhance optimal development. Part II of this article
will discuss more about some patterns of neurological
development, and the role of ambiguity in divergent
thinking in girls.M
Dr. JoAnn Deak has worked for more than twenty years as an educator
and school psychologist, helping children develop into confident and
competent adults. She is an advisor to Outward Bound, a past chair of the
National Committee for Girls and Women in Independent Schools, a member
of the advisory board at the Seattle Girls’ School, Power Play and Girls Can
Do. Dr. Deak is the author of How Girls Thrive (National Association of
Independent Schools, 1998), The Book of Hopes and Dreams (2000) and
Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters
(Hyperion, 2002). She consults with organizations and schools nationally and
internationally and has been named the Visiting Scholar in New Zealand for
2004. You may contact Dr. Deak at www.DEAKgroup.com.
Paradigm • Fall 2003
STRESS
USING HUMOR TO REDUCE STRESS
by Linda Hutchinson
What is the greatest source of stress? In her wonderful
book, The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the
Universe, Jane Wagner answers, “Reality is the greatest
source of stress amongst those in touch with it.” Since she
put reality on the back burner, her life has been jampacked and fun-filled.
One way of reducing tension in our lives is to invent a
lighter view of reality — to lighten up. What is your
interpretation of reality? I grew up with the notion that life
is hard work. When I put that notion on the back burner,
my life is jam-packed and fun-filled.
In my “humor shops” we explore various ways to use humor
to turn tense situations around and to reduce the impact of
stress on our lives. One of my main messages for
preventing tension is: Do not be offended, even if it
is intended. Easier said than done. As humorous beings,
we are great at turning molehills into mountains. Since I
have applied the practice of not being offended, I am a lot
happier and more serene.
On the other hand, do not allow people to degrade you. It
is a paradox. Do not be offended and do not allow
putdowns. Pick your battles. People who are offended by
toxic humor should use the offense as an opportunity to
educate. One simple technique is to ask them to explain
the joke or comment. Often, jokes and other forms of
humor lose the “funny” when it has to be explained.
There are different ways to address tense situations. If you
can, avoid tense situation. Do not entertain people you
experience as offensive. Another way is to build your
immune system - be prepared. Humor does not have to be
spontaneous. Prepare humorous comebacks for situations
or circumstances that repeatedly happen.
For the majority of us “fight or flight” is the automatic
reaction to tension or conflict. It is possible to develop
a third way to respond to conflict that is going with the
flow. Imagine a world where we are not just reacting,
but consciously choosing whether to fight, flee, or go with
the flow.
Thomas Crum teaches the martial art Aikido as a metaphor
for embracing conflict as an opportunity. The same
movement for an attack is the same movement for a dance.
Rather than fighting back or running away, you learn to go
with the flow, to embrace the energy. Crum urges us to
relate to conflict as a gift of energy, in which neither side
loses and a new dance is created.
Another example of humor as Aikido or “tongue-fu”
from Joel Goodman, Director of the Humor Project, is the
story of a woman who got an obscene phone call at
three o’clock in the morning. The voice on the other end of
the line asked, “Can I take your clothes off?” The woman
yelled into the phone, “Well, what the hell are you
doing with them on anyway?” Wouldn’t you like to be that
quick-witted at three in the afternoon, let alone three in
the morning?
In one of the best basic books about humor, The Healing
Power of Humor, author Allen Klein uses the metaphor of
another martial art, Jujitsu, in which you “gain an
advantage over your opponent by turning his strength and
weight against him.” Klein refers to “joke-jitsu” as the
ability to give a difficult situation a twist, reversing the
energy and sending it spinning in the opposite direction.
He tells how actress Eve Arden dealt with a co-star, a
prankster, who arranged to have the telephone ring when it
was not supposed to on stage during a live performance.
Arden calmly answers the phone; then she hands it over to
the prankster saying, “It’s for you.”
“The secret of
living without
frustration and
worry — is to
avoid
becoming
personally
involved in
your own life.”
Besides using humor as Aikido, joke-jitsu, and tongu-fu,
there is also humor therapy. What is it that you take too
seriously? What would you like to lighten up about?
Humor therapist, Annette Goodheart, recommends that
you say out loud what it is that you take too seriously and
at the end of the statement, you say, “Tee Hee!”
There are many kinds of tense situations in which to
use humor: ill health, terminal illness, death, natural
disasters, and all forms of human conflict. Of course,
there is one foolproof method of avoiding tension — from
the wisdom of the cartoon character, Ziggy, “The secret
of living without frustration and worry — is
to avoid becoming personally involved in your
own life.”M
Linda Hutchinson is an adult educator, keynote speaker, consultant and
author with 30 years of professional experience designing and delivering
training programs for large and small corporations, non-profit organizations
and professional associations. Owner of Hutchinson Associates, Linda also
teaches college courses on humor and spirituality. She is currently completing
a book about the uses of humor that will be released this fall. You may contact
Ms. Hutchinson by email at [email protected] or visit the Web site
www.haha-team.com.Web site www.haha-team.com.
Paradigm • Fall 2003
19
OBSESSED
L olita
with
Modeling and the
Welcome to the consequences of this worldwide obsession
with Lolita.
internet, it isn’t
On Tuesday July 15, 2003 at 7:30 AM, America heard on
one five-minute segment of NBC’s Today Show.
just modeling to
some — and what’s
the harm anyway?
by Dorn Checkley
The Internet
has thrown
fuel on the
embers of this
old fire and
one of
the latest
accelerants are
child modeling
Web sites.
Two years ago a South Florida TV news station did an
investigative report that uncovered another new
phenomenon driven by the Internet — child modeling
Web sites. The investigation focused on a Fort Lauderdale
company called Webe Web that runs dozens of child
modeling Web sites. Sites like “Little Amber.” The site’s
home page features a dozen pictures of Amber, a pretty
blonde pre-teen, modeling clothes and bathing suits.
However, few of these pictures look like the snapshots that
you would take of your 9-year-old daughter. Although there
is no nudity, young Amber poses like a woman who knows
how to appear sexy. Patrons can pay a monthly fee of
$19.95 for the privilege of seeing hundreds of more
pictures updated regularly. Webe Web claims that Amber
and her parents earn approximately $1,000 a month.
Not surprisingly, the TV news investigation uncovered that
the Webe Web Company also operates at least 14 adult
pornographic Web sites. But the revelations didn’t end
there. Little Amber’s mother knew something about
modeling herself. She appeared nude last year on a
pornographic Web site named “Kandiland!”
Welcome to the worldwide obsession with Lolita.
Nabokov’s literary character of a pretty waif-like young girl,
innocent yet seductive, uninitiated yet bursting with latent
sexuality, lives on as a powerful sexual icon pursued by,
perhaps, millions of men worldwide. The Internet has
thrown fuel on the embers of this old fire and one of the
latest accelerants are child modeling Web sites.
Are these sites mere promotion or exploitation? Are
they innocent or shrewd? Are they harmless or a powerful
medium of initiating and reinforcing a dangerous
addiction? Could they be all of the above?
Child modeling is, of course, an accepted part of
commercial marketing. Advertising needs children, but do
hundreds of child modeling Web sites help talent agents
find the next Brooke Shields for the 21st century? Hardly.
In a statement issued to CBS News, the Ford Modeling
Agency, which represents 300 teenage and child models,
said they do not surf the web seeking new talent.
What then drives this market for child modeling Web sites?
Men. Forty plus men, who subscribe monthly, pay $150
extra for “Stacy Starlet” to model particular clothes and
20
send gifts to their favorite models. Jeff Libman, one of the
co-owners of Webe Web admitted, “It gives these guys that
do like young girls [sick] like that would be normally
gawking at these teenagers in the mall, you know, an outlet
to relieve themselves of their frustrations I guess.”
Sixteen- year old Renee knows exactly what drives these
men. Renee is a “cam girl” who runs her own highly
profitable Web site featuring a 24-hour web cam sitting on
top of her computer in her bedroom. “They’re hoping to see
goodies,” she said. “But they fail to realize that I’m not
getting nude.” Renee’s hopelessly naive mother told CBS
News that she was “mystified” by her daughter’s success.
Renee makes approximately $2,000 a month selling her
peeping Tom subscribers a whiff of hope that they will see
the “goodies.”
It is not just dirty old men that are obsessed with Lolita.
Lolita is the commercial image that Madonna, Brittany
Spears and Christina Aquilera have shrewdly cultivated for
millions of dollars in revenue. “I’m not that innocent!”
Brittany sang in her MTV video while busting out of a
grade school Catholic uniform. Girls want to be like them.
Boys lust, masturbate and try to land the girl with the bare
midriff whose demeanor is like the iconic image. Children
are becoming sexualized in the image of Lolita by society.
While the mother of CindyModel.com insists, “I would
never exploit my daughter. I am promoting her natural
beauty,” she knows that Cindy makes $450 a week from
adult men who pay $15.00 a month to ogle her daughter.
“Older men will look at Cindy in real life, so why not
online?” Dr. Fred Berlin, a psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins
University Hospital who treats patients with sexual
disorders, told CBS News, “I think adults who are doing
this have some sort of infatuation with this youngster. And
I think in some cases they may have romantic fantasies. In
some cases sexualized fantasies.”
Some men go further than just sexualized fantasies. Gary
Smith is a 35-year old convicted sex offender on the Illinois
registry. Smith photographs girls from all over the country
for his child modeling Web sites. He was convicted in 1998
of sexually abusing a 15-year Chicago girl. Federal
authorities arrested him in 2002 for three counts of child
pornography for forcing a 12-year old girl to pose nude in a
Missouri hotel room.
Paradigm • Fall 2003
1. “Coming up next on Today — Ex-child porn star Traci
Lords discusses her new book, Underneath It All — a
disturbing look back at her involvement in the sordid
world of pornography....”
2. “In the news today — Police in London are searching
for a missing teenage girl who ran off to Paris with a
31 year old American man whom the police suspect
she met on the Internet....”
3. “Take a look at this disturbing surveillance tape from
a Target store in Kansas. A man, who appears to be in
his 30’s, is calmly stalking a teenage girl who is
shopping alone while her mother is in another area of
the store. The man walks up to the girl, identifies
himself as a store detective and accuses the girl of
shoplifting. He then escorts her to another part of the
store and sexually assaults her. With us here on the
live-line is the Police Chief....”
And it is not just a Western problem. In India, Thailand
and the Balkans, young girls are routinely sold into virtual
sex slavery. In the former Soviet Union the worldwide
demand for young blue-eyed blondes has created an orgy of
exploitation by parents, pimps and pornographers. And in
Japan, the New York Times recently reported a widespread
phenomenon of teen girls prostituting themselves to
middle-aged men in exchange for shopping spree money.
It is plain to see that there is a growing problem of child
sexual exploitation around the world. What may not be as
clear is whether child-modeling sites play a role in Lolita
obsession and its aftermath.
The root causes of Lolita obsession, on which most
psychologists, researchers and law enforcement officials
agree, do not tend to include hard-core pornography, or
child modeling sites. Those causes are: child sexual abuse;
unresolved childhood conflict or trauma that solaces itself
in the seduction and control of children; emotional fixation
at an immature stage compounded by a lack of social skills
and finally, plain old lust, opportunism and the proximity of
a vulnerable child.
What is more controversial is whether or not exposure to
visual stimuli alone can cause sexually obsessive behavior.
Some psychologists, addiction counselors and law
enforcement officials armed with case studies of their
clients believe that exposure to hard core and/or child
pornography during sexual formation and conditioned
sexual response (masturbation and orgasm) to images of
sexualized children can and do lead to sexually obsessive
behavior. However, researchers have not been able to
consistently verify those results in lab studies.
Specialists do agree that pornography, child porn and child
modeling sites can and do play an important role in the
maintenance and growth of sexually obsessive behavior. In
other words, whatever the origin of their behavior, when
Lolita obsessives collect, trade, produce, lust and
masturbate to sexualized images of children their behavior
gets worse. At the very least the exacerbation of this
obsessive compulsive behavior is the driving force behind
the worldwide child pornography market, the international
sex trafficking of children and even 16-year-old Renee’s
$2,000 a month income from her web-cam site.
However, some believe that visual stimuli alone can cause
Lolita obsession and lead to the actual abuse of children. If
they are right in this belief then the siren call of the Internet
(availability, anonymity and approval) is very troubling. The
Internet is introducing millions of men (and some women)
to sexual stimuli that heretofore was unavailable and taboo.
As a result thousands, and perhaps hundreds of thousands,
of people have entered the first level of sexually addictive
behavior — obsessive fantasy and masturbation. In this
modus operandi scenario it is terribly naive to think that
child modeling Web sites do not inflame Lolita obsession
— even for those not predisposed to it. The producers of
these sites know exactly what market they exploit — one
prominent site is even named, “Sunny Lolitas.” I believe the
worldwide increase of child sexual abuse is due the
permission giving effect of the Internet on a growing
number of people — many of whom are now progressing to
the acting-out stages of addiction and moral depravity.
Unfortunately, the moral and legal response of our culture
to child modeling Web sites has been hesitant and muted.
In response to a Florida TV News investigation, two
Congressmen introduced the Child Modeling Exploitation
Prevention Act in 2002, but it died in committee over
legitimate legal concerns of overbreadth and heavy
lobbying from the usual free speech extremists. As for now,
it is entirely up to parents to exercise wisdom and restraint
in regards to allowing their children to be featured on child
modeling or web-cam sites and whether or not to allow
their children to visit such sites.
... it is terribly
naive to think
that child
modeling Web
sites do not
inflame Lolita
obsession —
even for
those not
predisposed
to it.
In a more global sense the very idea of childhood as a
protected state of development is under attack. Historians
and anthropologists will point out that state of childhood is
a modern Western creation that may be an artificial
construct. Some go further and argue that childhood is a
sexually repressive construct and the time has come to
grow out of it. Childhood may be relatively new but it is
still a good and progressive idea. And a society that cannot
decide that the child modeling sites found on the Web
today are exploitive and contribute to dangerous behavior is
very troubled indeed.M
To participate in a renewed legislative effort to address child
modeling Web sites or help to educate your community about
this problem, contact Dorn Checkley at (412) 281-4565 or
[email protected].
Mr. Dorn Checkley, Executive Director of the Pittsburgh Coalition
Against Pornography (PCAP) since March of 1986, is a lifetime resident of
Pittsburgh. He earned a Bachelors of Fine Arts degree in Filmmaking from
Emerson College in Boston, Massachusetts, in 1980. Following college Mr.
Checkley joined Covenant House of New York City to help runaway and
homeless youth. Many of the young people whom he counseled were
prostitutes or were sexually exploited by the pornography industry.
Paradigm • Fall 2003
21
ILLINOIS INSTITUTE FOR ADDICTION RECOVERY
Continued from page 13
Psychological Boundaries
When you have a good understanding of where you end,
and where other people begin, you are well on your way to
developing sufficient psychological boundary strength.
Discussed in Whose life is it anyway? are several
psychological boundaries: strong and resilient, soft, spongy
and rigid.
Strong and resilient boundaries are those that are flexible
enough to let someone in, and inflexible enough to repel
assaults. Soft boundaries occur when people lack psychic
strength. These are the people who can easily become
enmeshed or overwhelmed. Rigid or inflexible boundaries
are held by people who are fearful of becoming enmeshed
or overwhelmed and will not let anyone in. Spongy
boundaries are a combination of soft and rigid where large
parts of the self are closed to the person, and he/she is
unaware of becoming enmeshed or overwhelmed. People
with strong and resilient boundaries are able to decide:
True empathy
occurs when
you open
yourself to • When to stop taking care of others’ feelings.
• When their feelings are most important, and self-care
experience
is appropriate.
what the other • To use emotional shielding appropriately.
• To open self to being empathic, but do not “catch”
person is
others’ feelings.
feeling without • That they have control of their lives and their feelings
to a sufficient degree.
losing your
sense of Stop Catching Emotions
can you protect yourself from catching others’
yourself as How
emotions? How can you prevent your uncomfortable
separate and feelings from becoming triggered by contact with other’s
distinct from emotions? The first situation is an external assault where
the other person is sending or projecting their feelings of
that person. discomfort, and you are open to catching them. The second
is an internal assault where your uncomfortable feelings are
set off because of your unresolved issues, such as family of
origin issues, unfinished business from past experiences,
and old parental messages. The external assault can be
easier to repel or prevent than can the internal assault as the
latter calls for an awareness of, and working through
these unresolved issues. However, even the more difficult
prevention of an internal assault can be somewhat
implemented by prevention of the external assault where you
do not catch others’ emotions; thereby, reducing the chances
of having you identify with and act on the caught feelings.
The following suggestions and strategies can help you to stop
catching others’ emotions.
• Develop your emotional shielding.
• Stay alert to the possibility that you are susceptible to
“catching” emotions.
• Use some simple nonverbal behaviors to ward off
“catching.”
• When you begin catching other’s feelings, monitor your
emotions to prevent further harm.
• Use distracting behavior.
Emotional shielding is visualizing a barrier between you
and the other person. This barrier allows the words to get
22
through, but stops their feelings from getting through to
you. Your shield will be personal for you. That is, it can be
whatever you think will do the job to protect you. Your
shield can be a curtain, a brick or steel wall, a shade, force
field, or battle shield. There are many ways to visualize
your shield.
Stay alert to the possibility that you are susceptible to
catching others’ emotions. Just accept this about yourself
until you have time to strengthen your psychological
boundaries, and set your emotional shielding in place to
protect yourself.
Simple nonverbal behaviors, such as the following can be very
helpful to prevent you from catching others’ emotions.
• Turn your body slightly away from the other person.
• Do not maintain eye contact. Look at the person’s
forehead, across their shoulder, or around the room.
• Put something between you and the person, for
example a purse, pillow, table, chair, etc.
• Attend to something on your person, such as clothes,
hair, fingernails, etc.
These are the opposite of showing interest, and that you
are really listening to the other person.
Distracting behaviors can be very effective at protecting
you. Change the topic, call someone over to join you, turn
away, pick up something from the floor, or take stuff out of
your pocket or purse; the list is long. The behavior will
distract you, and the other person.
There may be times when you are unaware of the snare and
start to be captured by the other person’s emotions. Do not
give up, or give in. Instead, start to think to keep from
becoming ensnared by their feelings. Think of your
emotional shielding, and quickly put it in place. Some
feelings will have gotten through, but many more can be
repelled. Thinking can also remind you to use your
nonverbal withdrawal strategies.
These suggestions will work as the short-term barriers.
However, you do not want them to become your habitual
behavior as they will negatively affect your other
relationships that you want to maintain. This means that
you should consciously use the strategies, be aware of
using them, and understand that these are short-term
strategies. The long-term solution is to build your
psychological boundaries to be strong and resilient.M
Dr. Nina W. Brown is a professor and eminent scholar of counseling in
the Educational Leadership and Counseling Department at Old Dominion
University in Norfolk, Virginia. She received her doctorate from The College
of William and Mary and additional training in group psychotherapy from
the American Group Psychotherapy Association. Dr. Brown is a licensed
professional counselor, a nationally certified counselor and the author of 13
published books. Her latest books are Working with the Self-Absorbed
(New Harbinger) and The Unfolding Life: Counseling Across the
Lifespan (with Parker; Greenwood Press). You may contact Dr. Brown by
email at [email protected].
Paradigm • Fall 2003
2003 TRAINING AND WORKSHOP SCHEDULE
PROBLEM
AND
COMPULSIVE GAMBLING
Presented by the Staff of the Illinois Institute for
Addiction Recovery. This training will consist of a 30hour course delivered throughout a five-day series. It will
provide participants with the requisite knowledge for the
State of Illinois written certification exam for counselors
of problem and compulsive gambling. At the end of this
workshop, participants will have developed a strong
clinical base for compulsive gambling issues as well as
cultural competencies and client-centered treatment for
compulsive gamblers and their families. Please call for
additional information and training dates.
WE ALSO INVITE YOU TO COME VISIT OUR BOOTH
AT THE FOLLOWING CONFERENCES:
October
14-17
24-25
November
5-9
2003 PROGRAM WORKSHOP
NOVEMBER 21, 2003
Topic: Co-occurring Psychiatric and Substance Use
Disorders: Assessment, Diagnosis and Treatment
Seth Eisenberg M.D.
Co-occurring psychiatric and substance use disorders are
common in most settings that provide behavioral
healthcare services. Being able to accurately assess
symptoms and discern a differential diagnosis is essential
to effective treatment. This workshop will review the
challenges of assessment and diagnosis for this
population and discuss various treatment approaches
most effective for the dually diagnosed patient.
About the speaker
Dr. Eisenberg is the Medical Director of the Illinois
Office of Alcoholism and Substance Abuse and Director
of the Addiction Psychiatry Residency Training program at
Northwestern University Medical School. He provides
clinical psychiatric outpatient services for the Midwest
Physicians group in Orland Park, Illinois. Dr. Eisenberg is
a licensed psychiatrist who has over 20 years experience
with adult psychiatry, child and adolescent psychiatry and
addiction medicine.
REGISTRATION AND CEU INFORMATION
CEU credits have been requested through the Illinois
Department of Professional regulation for social workers
and LPC/LCPC, IAODAPCA, EAPA, and the National
Council on Problem Gambling. Registration deadline is
one week prior to the workshop.
American Bar Association
Lawyer’s Assistance Program
Victoria, British Columbia
National Eating Disorders Association
St. Charles, Illinois
Summit on Clinical Excellence
Scottsdale, Arizona
19-22
Association for Financial Counseling and
Planning Education
Savannah, Georgia
21-24
Employee Assistance Professionals Assoc.
New Orleans, Louisiana (Booth #410)
December
4-7
American Academy of Addiction Psychiatry
New Orleans, Louisiana
5-6
Women’s Healing
Chicago, Illinois
The Counseling Center
at Proctor Hospital
Individual, Couple, Family or Group sessions for:
• Stress Management
• Depression
• Coping with Medical
• Anxiety
Problems
• Relationship Problems
• Divorce Adjustment
• Grief & Loss
• Abuse Recovery
• Anger Management
Above trainings will be held at the Proctor Professional
Bldg., Peoria, IL. For registration and lodging
information, call 1 (800) 522-3784 or visit the Web site
www.addictionrecov.org.
(309) 689-6008 or 1 (800) 522-3784
5409 N. Knoxville Ave.
Peoria, IL 61614
If you have questions regarding addictions, call 1 (800) 522-3784, or write to Eric Zehr at Proctor Hospital,
5409 N. Knoxville Ave., Peoria, IL 61614. On the Internet, contact: [email protected]
For more answers, visit our interactive Web site at http://www.addictionrecov.org
Paradigm • Fall 2003
23
Addiction devastates lives.
We can rebuild them.
Our professionals are uniquely qualified to help men, women and
adolescents live without addictive chemicals or behaviors. We offer
inpatient and outpatient treatment for addictions to chemicals,
gambling, food, spending, sex, and the Internet, as well as treatment
for chronic pain with addiction, all with options for extended care.
Pick up the phone, and start picking up the pieces.
Call today for a confidential consultation.
800-522-3784 or 309-691-1055
www.addictionrecov.org