Don`t hatchet your counts before they
Transcription
Don`t hatchet your counts before they
3 All Rights Reserved © 2013 ROYAL PAIN IN THE CROWN One day, in merry ole England, a count was accused of stealing the king's crown! The king's men knew he was guilty and they tried and tried to make him confess, all to no avail. Worse, despite their best efforts the stolen crown could not be found. Finally he was told, "We will chop off your head if you don't tell us." He would not confess so he was taken to the chopping block, and told he would have one more chance, but still he remained silent. As the executioner’s ax started down, the count shouted, "All right, I'll tell you!" However, it was too late... his head went rolling to the ground. Throughout the kingdom a decree went out. A great lesson, the king said, had been learned that would benefit everyone…. Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. PUBLISHED AND DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY BY PASSTIMES OF ARIZONA, LLC - [email protected] - 480.983.9143 DOCTORS AND LAWYERS GO TO SCHOOL FOR YEARS AND YEARS, OFTEN WITH LITTLE SLEEP AND WITH GREAT SACRIFICE TO THEIR FIRST WIVES 10 RULES FOR YOUR CAT 1. Do not eat the hamster. You may never eat the hamster. Be at peace with that. WHY ARE THERE INTERSTATE HIGHWAYS IN HAWAII? 2. Do not slurp fish food from the aquarium water. 3. Do not drink bath water while I am in it. You fall in and then, wet, run to the cat box. I pick up clumped kitty litter from all over the house for a week. 4. Do not put living things in the bathtub ever. It is not a repository for late night snacks. Leave the bath tub alone. Bad Kitty! Bad Kitty! 5. Do not run wildly across my prone sleeping body like the devil himself is after you. Do it one more time and you will think he is. 6. Do not try to jump through the window to get at a bird just outside. The birds are taunting you. They know the window is closed. You don’t. Birds are smarter. Be at peace with THAT! 7. Do not compulsively check every single door in the house. You are not a guard dog. You are a cat. Cats sleep. A lot. 8. Do not play ‘dead cat on the stairs’ when we are bringing in groceries or doing the laundry. It is especially bad to give up that game right when we are stepping over you. Go ahead, play it. You may get your wish. 9. Do not puff your entire body to twice its size for no reason right after I have just watched a horror movie. It is impolite and scares me witless. Bad Kitty! 10. Do not walk on my key board when I am writing important aGdOaOgDfsg gKdIjTaTgY;ln. HE SERVES HIS PARTY BEST WHO SERVES THE COUNTRY BEST MATH ILLITERACY STRIKES 8 OUT OF 5 PEOPLE THOSE WHO SAY THEY "SLEEP LIKE A BABY" HAVEN'T GOT ONE BE KIND - EVERYONE IS FIGHTING SOME KIND OF BATTLE IT IS WHEN WE FORGET OURSELVES THAT WE DO THINGS THAT ARE MOST LIKELY TO BE REMEMBERED ART BY THE BOOK Two cowboys went into the big city. As they walked down the street they saw a large group of people going in to see a new art exhibition at a impressionist gallery. They decided to kill some time and went in to see what could possibly be drawing such a crowd. While wandering inside, one of the paintings caught their eye. “What,” said one of the pair, in a loud voice, “is that?” The artist, who was standing nearby, answered condescendingly. ''That, my dear sir, is supposed to be a horse standing by a tree.'' "Well," said one cowboy, "Why isn't it?" STEPHEN WRIGHTISMS Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing. LIVE SIMPLY.....LEAVE THE REST TO GOD I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. I want to buy one of those strollers for twins, put my only child in it and then run around, looking frantic. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. THE AVERAGE PERSON FALLS ASLEEP IN SEVEN MINUTES THE ONLY THING MONEY GIVES YOU IS THE FREEDOM OF NOT WORRYING ABOUT MONEY IF YOUR SHIP HASN'T COME IN SWIM OUT TO IT! BUMPER STICKER -- I FISH! THEREFORE, I LIE THE OLDER YOU GET, THE BETTER YOU GET (UNLESS YOU'RE A BANANA) ¥ On Jan. 7, 1789, America's first presidential election is held as voters cast ballots to choose state electors. Only white men who owned property were allowed to vote. As expected, George Washington won the election and was sworn into office on April 30, 1789. ¥ On Jan. 12, 1928, a young pianist from Kiev named Vladimir Horowitz makes his American debut at Carnegie Hall. Sir Thomas Beecham, guest conductor of the New York Philharmonic, was the headliner, but it was the young Russian pianist playing Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1 who stole the show. ¥ On Jan. 11, 1937, nearly two weeks into a sit-down strike by General Motors auto workers at the Fisher Body Plant in Flint, Mich., a riot breaks out when police try to prevent the strikers from receiving food deliveries from supporters on the outside. The melee was later nicknamed the "Battle of the Running Bulls." IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT TEMPERATURE A ROOM IS, IT'S ALWAYS ROOM TEMPERATURE ¥ On Jan. 10, 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt's LendLease program is brought before the U.S. Congress. It gave the chief executive the power to "sell, transfer title to, exchange, lease, lend or otherwise dispose of" any military resources he deemed in the ultimate interest of the defense of the United States. ¥ On Jan. 8, 1962, at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C., Leonardo da Vinci's masterpiece, the Mona Lisa, is exhibited for the first time in America. The painting is a portrait of the wife of wealthy Florentine citizen Francesco del Gioconda. ¥ On Jan. 9, 1972, in Hong Kong harbor, a fire breaks out aboard the Queen Elizabeth, and by the next morning the famous vessel lies in a wreck on the bottom of the sea floor. After being purchased in 1970 by C.W. Tung, a Taiwanese shipping tycoon, the vessel was renamed the Seawise University. ¥ On Jan. 13, 1982, an Air Florida Boeing 727 plunges into the Potomac River in Washington, D.C., killing 78 people. The plane was forced to wait 45 minutes for clearance after de -icing, and at the end of the runway was able to achieve only a few hundred feet of altitude. (c) 2012 King Features Synd., Inc. 13TH FLOOR BUT BOOK PUBLISHERS AREN'T AFRAID TO HAVE A CHAPTER 11? 7. Four 8. Fear of pleasure 9. Sonny Crockett (played by Don Johnson) 10. Medal of Honor YESTERDAY, MY EYEGLASS PRESCRIPTION RAN OUT (c) 2012 King Features Synd., Inc. ONLY DULL PEOPLE ARE BRILLIANT AT BREAKFAST 1. MOVIES: What was the name of the planet where Luke Skywalker (Star Wars) grew up? 2. LITERATURE: Who wrote the children’s book ‘The Wind in the Willows’? 3. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: What is a common name for the dog breed Borzoi? 4. MYTHOLOGY: What was the name of the sun god in Greek mythology? 5. GEOGRAPHY: Where is the island of Curacao located? 6. HISTORY: In what U.S. state did the Battle of Bunker Hill take place? 7. GEOMETRY: How many sides does a quadrilateral have? 8. PSYCHOLOGY: What type of fear is represented by hedonophobia? 9. TELEVISION: What was the name of the lead character on ‘Miami Vice,’ and who played the role? 10. MILITARY: What is the highest decoration awarded for heroism in the U.S. military? Answers 1. Tatooine 2. Kenneth Grahame 3. Russian Wolfhound 4. Helios 5. Caribbean 6. Massachusetts ARE BUILDERS AFRAID TO HAVE A HOW SAFE IS YOU IDENITY? LEADERS GO DOWN IN HISTORY—SOME FARTHER DOWN THAN OTHERS One of the most critical areas of Identity Theft is Medical Patients seeking medical services under someone else’s name. This is the second most common privacy or security issue reported by healthcare providers. Medical identity Theft is the fastest growing form of Identity Theft affecting 1.42 million Americans in 2010 and costing more than 28 Million dollars. Theft accounted for 66% of publicly reported security breaches, which included stolen laptops, stolen smart phones, using patient data to submit fraudulent claims and seeking medical care in another person’s name. ONLY THE MEDIOCRE ARE ALWAYS AT THEIR BEST! But the single most commonly reported breach in the security of patient’s private health information was improper use of patient data by a person who works for a Doctor’s office, hospital, insurance company or Life Science Organizations. We will continue this discussion in the next issues. BERNIE AND GERI PAGE INDEPENDENT ASSOCIATES LEGALSHIELD 602-576-8764 GERI 480-776-9891 BERNIE CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS THE ONLY LASTING BEAUTY IS THE BEAUTY OF THE HEART SOME PEOPLE MANAGE BY THE BOOK, EVEN THOUGH THEY DON'T KNOW WHO WROTE THE BOOK OR EVEN WHAT BOOK FOR EVERY JUDGE OPERATING IN AN OFFICIAL CAPACITY, THERE ARE 100 WHO ARE SELF-APPOINTED THERE IS NO LOVE SINCERER THAN THE LOVE OF FOOD THE DRAMA OF LIFE BEGINS WITH A WAIL AND ENDS WITH A SIGH ¥ It was iconic pop artist Andy Warhol who made the following observation: "Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up, and they're always tax deductible." FIVE OUT OF FOUR PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE WITH FRACTIONS ¥ At one time in Alabama, it was illegal to wear a false mustache to church. ¥ The English word "toast" to describe a piece of browned bread comes from the Latin word "tostare," which means "roasted." The word "toast" to mean kind words spoken while sharing wine also comes from the same root, though in a roundabout way. In the Middle Ages, wine was not always of the highest quality; as a gesture of goodwill and hospitality to guests, a piece of toast was sometimes added to improve the flavor. Eventually (as vintages improved, one might assume), the browned bread was forgotten and only the words remained. BOBBERY IS A WORD MEANING A FIGHT OR A BRAWL ¥ You might be surprised to learn that the man who was the lead designer for the original GI Joe action figure also designed the inaugural medal for the John F. Kennedy-Lyndon Johnson administration. ¥ If you're an arachnophobe, it you probably don't want to know that a tarantula can live for up to two years without eating a thing. ¥ Have you ever noticed the small bumps that seem to cover your tongue? Many people think that these are taste buds. In fact, there are more than 200 taste buds on each of those bumps. ¥ Those who study such things say that the 15 most commonly used words in the English language are, in descending order: I, you, he, she, it, we, they, me, him, her, them, what, the, a and an. *** Thought for the Day: "The greatest accomplishment is not in never failing, but in rising again after you fall."-- Vince Lombardi (c) 2012 King Features Synd., Inc.