A sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford
Transcription
A sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford
Stupid’s Arrow A sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford This script is set early in the third series of Frasier. The relationships, therefore, are: Niles is married to Maris but lusts after Daphne; Roz despises Niles, who goads her in return whenever possible; Frasier and Martin are Frasier and Martin. This work is distributed according to the Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License. Copyright of individual characters and situations from the sitcom Frasier remains with their creators. To view a copy of this license, visit http://j.mp/cc-by or send a letter to: Creative Commons, 171 Second Street, Suite 300, San Francisco, California, 94105, USA. Nic Ford, March 2011 [email protected] +44 7957 66 62 11 SCENE 1 INT. K.A.C.L. RADIO STUDIO – DAY FRASIER IS IN THE MIDDLE OF TALKING TO A CALLER, WITH ROZ WATCHING FROM THE BOOTH FRASIER: …and so, Tiffany, sometimes you can’t know what the other person is feeling. In matters of the heart nothing is ever sure. That’s what gives l’amour its delectable frisson. TIFFANY (V.O.): (YOUNG) Gee, thanks Dr Crane, but that doesn’t… ROZ: (FROM BOOTH) Phooey! FRASIER: Ah! I see my esteemed producer, Roz, would like to add the benefit of her huge experience in this area. ROZ: You can always tell someone is attracted to you. There are signs. FRASIER: In Roz’s case, the signs are that her target’s breathing and has a Y chromosome. ROZ: You never see the signs, Frasier? Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford ([email protected]) Page 1 FRASIER: As a matter of fact, no, I don’t. When I develop a romance with a woman, it’s always a delightful surprise. ROZ: I’ve seen your seduction technique. It’s more like a goddarn miracle. Tiffany, if a boy is attracted to you, believe me, you’ll know. TIFFANY (V.O.): Thanks, Roz. But... do any of these signs show up as some kinda rash? FRASIER AND ROZ LOOK HORRIFIED. FADE TO: Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford ([email protected]) Page 2 SCENE 2 INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA – DAY BLACK SCREEN WITH CAPTION: “IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE – THEY COULD HAVE SEEN EDDY'S DOG-FLAP” FADE IN TO: ROZ AND FRASIER SIT AT A TABLE SIPPING COFFEE. AS ONE CUSTOMER LEAVES THROUGH A NEWLY-INSTALLED REVOLVING DOOR, NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE. NILES: Look, Frasier. They’ve installed a door based on the principle of Roz’s bed. ROZ: Ha, ha, Niles. Very funny. NILES: It’s a good thing they didn’t see your legs, Roz, or we’d have one of those Western Saloon doors that swings wide open to every rough-hewn Gringo wandering by. ROZ: (ANGRY) Well, what if they'd seen yours, Niles? How would we get past two... (STRUGGLING TO FIND A BON MOT) ...beanpoles... hanging underneath... (REALLY STRUGGLING) ...an idiot? FRASIER: Oh, touché, Roz. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 3 ROZ: I’m going to get a coffee. Another latte, Frasier? Niles, some strychnine? ROZ GOES TO THE COUNTER. NILES SITS IN HER PLACE. FRASIER: Well, you’re surprisingly chipper this morning, Niles. To what do we owe the pleasure of your company? NILES: Maris had a tennis lesson yesterday and sprained her wrist again, poor thing. FRASIER: Still can’t get the cover off the racquet? NILES: No, but she keeps trying, the little trooper. So I’m out searching for monogrammed bandages and a Louis Vuitton aspirin case. FRASIER: In Café Nervosa? NILES: (LOOKS AROUND INNOCENTLY) Oh, is that where we are? FRASIER: Your arrival couldn’t be anything to do with the fact that Daphne is due here soon, could it? NILES: You know, I’d entirely forgotten. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 4 FRASIER: Yes. And the price of pork bellies is sky-rocketing. NILES: A simple ‘pigs might fly’ would have sufficed. I knew Dad should never have made you watch “Wall Street” with him. ROZ RETURNS WITH A COFFEE EACH FOR HERSELF AND FRASIER. NILES WAITS EXPECTANTLY FOR HIS, AND LOOKS DISAPPOINTED WHEN HE DOESN’T GET ONE. ROZ: There’s a guy at the counter checking me out. FRASIER: Where? You mean the muscular fellow ordering beans? ROZ: That’s him. FRASIER: He’s here every day. Always tries something new. If you were an Ethiopian Organic Decaf Yergacheffe you might stand a chance, but otherwise… ROZ: Phooey! He’s hitting on me. FRASIER: Your ‘signs’ again? Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 5 NILES: Well, he’s not looking at you… he’s wearing a wedding band… and he’s flirting with the waiter. Yes, the signs are all there. ROZ: When I was at the counter he brushed against me. Twice. And he spoke to me. FRASIER: And what sweet nothings did he whisper? ROZ: ‘Excuse me, lady.’ But it was the way he said it. All breathy and muffled. FRASIER: The poor man’s probably just had a root-canal. NILES: Look Roz! He’s leaving without looking this way once. He must really want you! FADE TO: Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 6 SCENE 3 INT. FRASIER’S APARTMENT – DAY FRASIER IS SITTING READING. DAPHNE COMES THROUGH THE DOOR AT A PACE, FOLLOWED BY EDDY AND MARTIN, WHO IS GLARING. FRASIER: Hello Dad, Daphne. I thought you were going to meet us for lunch. MARTIN: We would have done, if someone had been able to negotiate those revolving doors. (GLARES HARDER AT DAPHNE) DAPHNE: Like I say, back home we drive on the left, not the right. MARTIN: Do you often drive through revolving doors? DAPHNE: (REFLECTIVE) Well, my Auntie’s doily-shop did get ram-raided once. I say “ram-raided”: the milkman left the hand brake off on the milk cart. MARTIN: Really. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 7 DAPHNE: It was like a war zone made from lacy doo-dahs and gooseberry yoghurt. I still have nightmares. (SHUDDERS) Ooh, I’m reliving it again. I need a toffee. (EXIT TO BEDROOM) FRASIER: I wonder how they ever lost the Empire. MARTIN: I tell ya, Eddy was really embarrassed! FRASIER: And yet he’s so candid with fire hydrants. MARTIN: Ignore him, Eddy. He’s just jealous. (WAVES A PIECE OF PAPER AT FRASIER) Anyway, look at this, Fras. FRASIER: What is it, dad? MARTIN: My old buddy Frankie’s in town. Left a note for me with Murray the doorman, wants me to show him the sights. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 8 FRASIER: And you’d be the perfect guide! What modern sophisticate could refuse the delights of a long weekend at McGinty’s? Not to mention the culinary miracle that is the Old Hoboken Chicken and Ribs Shack. Mm, the very though is making my mouth water – not to mention, my arteries harden. Frankie’s up for a wonderful time, Dad. MARTIN: Now, now, Fras. He’s a cultured fella. When we were in training together, while we were all belching ‘Yankee-Doodle-Dandy’ he’d be doing ‘Tosca’. FRASIER: Really? Police methods were so much more colourful in those days, weren’t they? MARTIN: (MUSING) At least, he told us it was ‘Tosca’. It might have been that Chevy commercial. MARTIN GETS HIS COAT AND STARTS TO GO MARTIN (CONT’D): Anyway, I’m off the chew the fat with Frankie. FRASIER: McGinty’s is serving food now? (MARTIN GRINS SARCASTICALLY) Before you go, Dad, there’s something I want to ask. Do you think that if a person is attracted to someone, there are obvious signs? Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 9 MARTIN: Sure! Look what Niles did last week when you suggested toasting Daphne’s English Muffins. FRASIER: He jumped to his feet, raised his sherry glass, and shouted ‘God! They’re magnificent, aren’t they?’ Yes, food for thought indeed. (BEAT) I shan’t wait up, Dad. No doubt you and Frankie will be reliving old beers till the small hours. MARTIN: Ha! Hope so. (BURPS) Mind you, I’ve got some major acid rising – I’ll have to go easy. Maybe just a couple of corn-dogs. (BURPS AGAIN AND LEAVES) FRASIER: And thank you for sharing. FRASIER GOES TO THE SHERRY CABINET AND POURS HIMSELF A GLASS. DAPHNE WALKS IN FROM THE BEDROOM, CARRYING SEVERAL SEPARATE PILES OF WASHED UNDERGARMENTS. SHE NOTICES A PIECE OF LINT ON FRASIER’S TROUSER BUTTOCK, AND TRIES TO BALANCE THE BASKET ON ONE ARM, USING THE OTHER TO PICK THE LINT OFF. AS SHE REACHES FRASIER STARTS TO WALK AWAY, CAUSING HER TO REACH FURTHER, OVER-BALANCE AND THROW HER ARMS AROUND FRASIER TO REMAIN UPRIGHT. THE WASHING GOES EVERYWHERE. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 10 FRASIER: Daphne? DAPHNE: (STILL WITH TOFFEE SO TALKING IS MUFFLED) Dr Crane! (GIGGLES) It looks like I’ve fallen for you. FRASIER: What on earth are you doing? DAPHNE: Well, I was just bringing the washing through, and there was something about your buttock which caught my eye. FRASIER IS OPEN-MOUTHED DAPHNE (CONT’D): And you know how it is when you see something, and you just have to… grasp it? FRASIER IS EVEN MORE OPENMOUTHED DAPHNE (CONT’D): So, I made a grab. Only, you being you, you made it impossible for me to just go for your buttock: I had to throw my arms around you. And here we are. (NOTICES WASHING STREWN ON THE FLOOR) Oh, Dr Crane. You’ve got me all jumbled in the underwear department. FRASIER, PANICKING, QUICKLY EXTRICATES HIMSELF AND GOES TO LEAVE Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 11 FRASIER: I really must be going, Daphne. I’ve just remembered, I need to get… my ear… syringed. EXITS, LEAVING A STILL GIGGLING BUT SOMEWHAT BEWILDERED DAPHNE PICKING UP KNICKERS. FADE TO: Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 12 SCENE 4 EXT. OUTSIDE MCGINTY’S – DAY MARTIN IS WAITING FOR FRANKIE OUTSIDE MCGINTY’S. FRANKIE JOGS UP. HE IS A LARGE, MUSCULAR AND UNKEMPT MAN ABOUT MARTIN’S AGE. MARTIN: Hey, Frankie! Good to see you! FRANKIE: Hey, Cranium! MARTIN: Pardon me? FRANKIE: Cranium! Ya know, like we called you in training, on account of you being so lah-di-dah smart. MARTIN: Oh… yeah… I’d forgotten. Well, my buddies call me Marty now. FRANKIE: That’s cool. Marty. MARTIN: So – wanna beer? FRANKIE: Sure do… Smarty Marty! FRANKIE PUSHES STRAIGHT INTO MCGINTY’S, FOLLOWED BY A SLIGHTLY CONCERNED MARTIN. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 13 SCENE 5 INT. K.A.C.L. PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY ROZ IS DOING THE PAPERWORK. A PANICKING FRASIER BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR. FRASIER: Roz! Roz! You were right! ROZ: (NOT LOOKING UP) Of course I was. I usually am. About what, by the way? FRASIER: The signs! The signs that women give when they’re attracted to someone. ROZ: (NOW INTERESTED) That’s ‘people’, Frasier, not women. You men aren’t as perplexing as you think you are. FRASIER: Most men, no. I believe, however, that I am somewhat inscrutable. ROZ: Which is why you never get scruted. Women can see right through you. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 14 FRASIER: No, I… (REALISES HE’S ABOUT TO LOSE) That’s not the point. The point is, you were right about the signs. I’ve seen them! She showed them to me! (BEAT) It’s lucky I got out before she showed me anything else! Roz, you were right about them down to the last detail. ROZ: Well, I am something of an expert in the field. FRASIER: And the stationery cupboard. And the back of an ’88 Chevrolet, if the graffiti are correct. ROZ: Hey! It's not, okay? (OFF HIS LOOK) It was a ’93. (BEAT) So, who’s the lucky girl? FRASIER SITS, WEIGHED DOWN WITH WORRY FRASIER: Oh, what am I going to do? ROZ: Who with? Who to? Who… on? FRASIER: Well Daphne, of course. Signs? Ha! She showed me the signs, transcribed them for me, set them to music and performed them as an aria. (OMINOUS) And then she tried to get me to read them in Braille. ROZ: Go Daphne! I mean, what did that trollop do to you? Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 15 FRASIER: She walked into the room, took one look at my… nadir, and threw herself at me. (THINKS ABOUT IT) Well, she’s only human. (BEAT) But it can never be. I shall have to let her down gently. ROZ: Nah. She wants you, she’ll get you. FRASIER: Really, Roz. I don’t think I’m as easily swayed as all that. ROZ: (LAUGHS) Sure, Frasier. Men decide who they go with. That’s a good one. FRASIER: Well, attraction has to be mutual, Roz. ROZ: Sure. And if a girl decides it is, it is. FRASIER: Are you saying that a woman can entrap any man she desires, and the man has no volition at all? ROZ: I’d never say that… FRASIER: I should think not. ROZ: …when “well, duh!” covers it. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 16 FRASIER: You cannot be serious! ROZ: Listen, Frasier, if Daphne really wants you, she’ll get you with one nice word about your suit. Trust me. FRASIER: I’ll have you know I’m not so easily led. If Daphne and I get involved, it’ll be on my terms. ROZ: Absolutely. Just as soon as she tells you what they are. But you’ve got to be careful, Frasier. A romance with someone who works for you, that could be really difficult. FRASIER: You think I don’t know that? Daphne’s a wonderful person – attractive, intelligent, and with that quaint old-world charm of the English… ROZ: Yes, I’ve given her the number of my orthodontist. FRASIER: …and of course in me she sees a more than perfect match. What woman wouldn’t? ROZ STARTS TO OPEN HER MOUTH, BUT FRASIER WAVES HER COMMENTS ASIDE Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 17 FRASIER (CONT’D): But Daphne and I? Could we ever have feelings for each other? (BEAT) No, it’s been left too late. If anything were going to be done, it should have been done years ago. ROZ: You mean, you’ve shared a house so long you can only see her as a friend? FRASIER: Actually, I was referring to the orthodonty. FADE TO: Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 18 SCENE 6 INT. FRASIER’S APARTMENT – DAY BLACK SCREEN WITH CAPTION: “DE FRASIER IS NOT A RIVER IN EGYPT” FADE IN TO: DAPHNE IS STILL PICKING UP ESCAPED UNDERWEAR. THE DOORBELL RINGS. DAPHNE: Daphne, would you get that? Oh, if I must. DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR TO NILES DAPHNE (CONT’D): Hello, Dr Crane. NILES: Hello, Daphne. Is Frasier around? DAPHNE: No, he ran out half an hour ago. I must say, he was in a funny mood. NILES: Really? How so? DAPHNE: Well, he got terribly excited when I found some lint on his pants. NILES: Ah. Ever the proud fashionista. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 19 DAPHNE: And then I fell on top of him, of course. NILES IS SUDDENLY STRUCK BY THIS IMAGE DAPHNE (CONT’D): He took one look at me lying there, lacy underthings akimbo, and left! Honestly, someone needs to have a long talk with your brother. NILES: (BOTH JEALOUS AND TURNED ON) Oh, I shall, believe me! DAPHNE: Anyway, shall I tell him you called? DAPHNE TURNS AWAY TO CONTINUE WITH THE WASHING NILES: No, no need. AFTER A LINGERING LOOK AT DAPHNE’S REAR VIEW NILES TURNS TO GO. HE SUDDENLY REALISES HE IS ALONE WITH DAPHNE – THIS IS HIS CHANCE. NILES (CONT’D): Daphne… there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you… DAPHNE: Yes, Dr Crane? Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 20 NILES: How would you feel if I told you… that… I mean… DAPHNE: (TURNS TO FACE HIM) You’ll have to hurry up, Dr Crane; I’ve got a load of hot and steamy knickers waiting for me in the laundry room. NILES: Strangely, that doesn’t make it any easier. Daphne… have you ever had… an admirer? DAPHNE: Oh, yes! What girl hasn’t? NILES: Well, Lilith till she met Frasier. (THINKS ABOUT IT) She did have a couple of official observers, as I remember, but I think one might have been a placebo. DAPHNE: Dr Crane… NILES: Sorry! Sorry! What I mean is, Daphne, you do have an admirer. An admirer who spends a not inconsiderable amount of time in this very apartment. DAPHNE: Really? Is it that air-conditioning engineer? NILES: No, no… Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 21 DAPHNE: Pity. NILES: Think closer to home. Think... family. (SEES DAPHNE'S FACE AND REALISES WHAT HE'S SAID) No, no, no, don't think that. DAPHNE: Thank goodness! NILES: All right, let’s try this another way. Daphne, let’s say I have… a friend. DAPHNE: Of course you do. Probably more than one. NILES: And this… friend… has a problem. He’s in love. DAPHNE: Really? Who with? NILES: Well, if we’re strictly following the rules of metaphor, we’ll have to say he’s in love with your friend. DAPHNE: My friend? Which one. NILES: It’s not important. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 22 DAPHNE: Only, I doubt it’s Janice, because of her awful wind problem. NILES: It really doesn’t matter which friend. DAPHNE: And Hermione’s a lesbian, so he’d be on a hiding to nothing with her… NILES: I’m not talking about a real friend! DAPHNE: Not a real friend? Has someone been gossiping about me behind my back? NILES: Forget your friends, Daphne. DAPHNE: Well, if they’re gossiping about me, I certainly will. NILES: No, no, no. This is all going horribly wrong. (SHAKES HEAD TO CLEAR IT AND STARTS AGAIN) Daphne, would you ever consider dating... a Crane? DAPHNE: Whatever do you mean? (REALISES SOMETHING AND SITS DOWN IN SHOCK) No! NILES: Yes! Yes! Yes! Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 23 NILES SITS BESIDE DAPHNE IN A WAY HE THINKS IS COQUETTISH, AND TRIES TO TAKE HER HAND DAPHNE: Frasier's in love with me? NILES: Yea... No! That's not what I meant! DAPHNE: Oh, don't try to cover up for your brother, Dr Crane. It's only to be expected. NILES: But... DAPHNE: Living side by side, cheek by jowl, sooner or later it was bound to happen. Though I never thought he'd be so shy that he had to ask you to do his courting for him, Dr Crane. Dr Crane? You’ve gone all red. Are you getting a virus? NILES: Sorry, I was just thinking of Frasier's jowl beside your... cheek. (GETTING ALL ANGRY AGAIN) The brigand! Wait till I lay my hands on him! NILES GETS UP AND LEAVES IN A LATHER OF WILLOWY PASSION. FADE TO: Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 24 SCENE 7 INT. MCGINTY'S – DAY MARTIN HAS A HALF-DRUNK BEER IN FRONT OF HIM. FRANKIE HOLDS A NEARLY-FINISHED BEER, AND IN FRONT OF HIM THERE ARE TWO EMPTY GLASSES. HE FINISHES HIS GLASS. FRANKIE: Ah! Wanna 'nother? MARTIN: (OBVIOUSLY A BIT FED UP) Still on this one, thanks. FRANKIE: Gee! You turning into a girl, Marty? MARTIN: No, I just like to enjoy my beer these days. FRANKIE: Ooh! Listen to smarty-Marty! Likes to enjoy his beer! You gonna spit it out, too, like in those fancy wine tasting places? MARTIN: Now, when have you ever seen me in one of those places? FRANKIE: You was always going for the high life, Cranium. Listening to your fancy music… Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 25 MARTIN: Sinatra? FRANKIE: Nah, the other one. MARTIN: Lawrence Whelk?! FRANKIE: That’s her. Your fancy music, your fancy clothes… MARTIN: (REMINISCING) Yeah, I was the first one in the squad to wear polyester… FRANKIE: Face it, Smarty, you always was a cut above the rest of us. Cultured. MARTIN: Is that what you all thought? I was just one of the regular guys. FRANKIE: Ha! Yeah, if it makes you feel better. MARTIN: Look, I’ve had enough of this. It’s been nice seeing you again, Frankie, but this regular guy is now going back to his regular old chair for a regular Ballantine. MARTIN GETS UP AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 26 FRANKIE: I hope I don’t have to wait too long till you’re back here and ready to go again. MARTIN TURNS BACK, HOPEFUL THAT SOMETHING CAN BE SALVAGED MARTIN: Yeah? That’s nice of you to say, Frankie. FRANKIE: You still here, Cranium? I was talking to my beer glass. MARTIN GIVES UP AND LEAVES. FADE TO: Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 27 SCENE 8 INT. FRASIER’S APARTMENT – DAY DAPHNE SITS ON THE SOFA, CONCERNED ABOUT THE TURN OF EVENTS. MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. MARTIN: Was Niles here earlier? DAPHNE: Yes. Why? MARTIN: Well, Murray the doorman says this guy left who looked like Niles, and said a whole load of stuff he didn’t understand, so he talked like Niles, but he was… DAPHNE: Go on? MARTIN: Macho. MARTIN AND DAPHNE CONTEMPLATE THIS FOR A BEAT. MARTIN / DAPHNE (TOGETHER): Nah. Couldn’t have been. / Definitely a virus. DAPHNE: So, how was your afternoon with Frankie? MARTIN: I don’t wanna talk about it. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 28 DAPHNE: That bad? MARTIN: The guy’s nothing like I remember him. He drinks, he curses, he belches… DAPHNE: And yet somehow he’s not like your other buddies? MARTIN: That is how he’s not like my other buddies. Frankie used to be a gentleman. If we double dated, he’d always insist that the ladies got first swig of the beer. And then he’d be the epitome of chivalry: “So, ladies, your choice,” he’d say. “What’s it to be? Front seat, or back?” DAPHNE: Practically royalty. MARTIN: And he keeps telling me I’m not who I am. He keeps telling me I’m (MUTTERS SOMETHING) DAPHNE: Pardon? MARTIN MUTTERS AGAIN DAPHNE (CONT’D): Sorry, Mr Crane, I can’t understand you. MARTIN: He keeps telling me I’m cultured. (SHUDDERS) Geez, Daph. Do you think it is me? Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 29 DAPHNE: What do you mean? MARTIN: Well, perhaps he hasn’t changed. Perhaps I’ve changed, and never realised. DAPHNE: Wouldn’t surprise me. Today’s been a day for surprise revelations. But listen, Mr Crane, Frankie was your chum all through training. You can’t let that slip away, no matter how much things have changed. MARTIN: No, I guess not. DAPHNE: Give him another chance. Go find him, make it a weekend to remember. MARTIN: Yeah. Yeah, I guess you’re right. (HEADS BACK FOR DOOR) You and Frasier won’t mind being left alone here for the evening, will you? (EXITS) DAPHNE: (CALLING AFTER HIM AS HE LEAVES) No, we’ll be fine on our own. Just me… and Frasier… alone in this apartment together… Oh God! DAPHNE GRABS A COAT AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR TOO. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 30 DAPHNE (CONT’D): (CALLING) Eddy! I’m just off out for… an emergency… ear syringing. When Dr Crane gets back, cook him the veal. And if you see any lint on his pants, for goodness sake leave it there. SHE LEAVES. FADE TO: Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 31 SCENE 9 EXT. OUTSIDE MCGINTY’S – DAY FRANKIE IS NOW WAITING FOR MARTIN, WHO SOON ARRIVES. FRANKIE: There you are, Marty. I came outside to wait as soon as I got your call. (BEAT) That’s two beers you owe me. MARTIN: Two beers? I was ten minutes away! FRANKIE: You’re right. Make it three. MARTIN:ORTH Listen, Frankie, you're not here long. What say we see a bit of the city rather than spend all day in a bar? FRANKIE: Hm. Radical. What you got in mind? MARTIN: Well, there’s the Space Needle, and the King Dome, and… FRANKIE: Nah! I don’t wanna see that tourist stuff. Ain’t there something more refined? MARTIN: Well, I don’t know. There’s a couple of art galleries the boys have made me go to. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 32 FRANKIE: Art galleries? See, that’s you all over, Cranium. I say “refined” and you take it to extremes. MARTIN: Now, listen here, mister. There happens to be some great art in our galleries. We may not be Chicago or New York… FRANKIE: Or Des Moines. MARTIN: Hey, we’re way ahead of Des Moines. You oughtta know that the Seattle Art Museum has a major retrospective of fifteenth century Italian art going on at the moment! (LISTENS TO WHAT HE HAS JUST SAID AND CAN’T BELIEVE HIMSELF) FRANKIE: Yeah? Well, Smarty Marty, I thought we might take in a show at the local boobarama, and have a few beers. But if you think fifteenth century Aye-talian paintings are where it’s at, the Seattle Art Museum it is. (HEADS OFF) You coming? MARTIN: Hey! Wait up! (FOLLOWS FRANKIE QUICKLY) FRANKIE: (GOING OFF) So, these Aye-talian paintings, are they ones where the broads don’t wear brassieres…? FADE TO: Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 33 SCENE 10 INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA – DAY FRASIER SITS AT A TABLE TOYING WITH A COFFEE AND ABSENTLY DOODLING ON A PAD. AFTER A BRIEF STRUGGLE, DAPHNE PUSHES THROUGH THE REVOLVING DOOR AND GOES TO SIT AT A TABLE BESIDE FRASIER. SHE HASN’T NOTICED HIM. FRASIER: (TO HIMSELF) Oh no! (FACING REALITY) Hello, Daphne. DAPHNE: (NOTICING HIM) Oh, Dr Crane. What are you doing here? Aren’t you meant to be at home, having dinner? FRASIER: And aren’t you meant to be at home, making it? DAPHNE: Oh. Well. Your dad’s out with his chum Frankie, and I really didn’t to be left alone in the apartment with… (REALISES WHAT SHE’S SAYING) …my dumplings. FRASIER: Uncanny. My feelings exactly. DAPHNE: Dr Crane! My cooking isn’t that bad, surely. My rissole was a triumph with your father. FRASIER: Well, it shut him up for an evening, certainly. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 34 DAPHNE: And your brother can’t get enough of my meringues. FRASIER: And ain’t that the truth. I’m sorry, Daphne, I didn’t mean to criticise your culinary skills. DAPHNE: It’s all right, Dr Crane. I understand. FRASIER: Whatever do you mean? DAPHNE: I’m just an amateur psychologist, obviously, but even I know that people often lash out at people they… (AGAIN REALISES WHAT SHE’S SAYING) …employ. FRASIER: Well, I’m a professional psychologist, and I’ve never heard such utter garbage. DAPHNE: See? There you go again. FRASIER: I didn’t mean… listen, Daphne, I think there’s something we need to get straight between us. DAPHNE: Yes, you sit there in that lovely Armani suit, looking every inch the handsome man about town… Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 35 FRASIER: Daphne, I don’t think… really? Handsome? You think the suit does something for me? DAPHNE: Oh yes, it’s very suave. (STARTS TO WEEP) FRASIER: Well, thank you. (NOTICES DAPHNE) Daphne, what is it? DAPHNE: It’s just… you’re so nice… and yet you think my cooking… FRASIER PUTS HIS ARM AROUND DAPHNE TO COMFORT HER. FRASIER: There, there. Don’t take on so. Look, you’re getting tears in your hair… IN A ROMANTIC MOVE FRASIER BRUSHES DAPHNE’S HAIR OUT OF HER EYES. DAPHNE PLACE’S HER HEAD ON FRASIER’S SHOULDER, INADVERTENTLY PLACING IT SUCH THAT THEIR CHEEKS ARE TOUCHING. THEIR MOUTHS ARE NEARLY CLOSE ENOUGH FOR THEM TO KISS. FRASIER (CONT’D): Come on. Dry your eyes. A girl with such exquisite taste as you shouldn’t be crying. Ha! You know, I never knew you appreciated Armani suits. (REMEMBERS ROZ’S WORDS) The suit! Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 36 DAPHNE: My cheek… your (LOOKS AT IT) jowl… oh my God! BOTH SIT STOCK STILL IN EXACTLY THE SAME POSITION, BUT THEIR EXPRESSIONS CHANGE TO HORROR. FADE TO: Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 37 SCENE 11 EXT. OUTSIDE THE SEATTLE ART MUSEUM – DAY A SECURITY GUARD THROWS MARTIN AND FRANKIE OUT. MARTIN: Well, I hope you’re satisfied. FRANKIE: Me? It was you got us thrown out! MARTIN: Me?! FRANKIE: Yeah. If you hadn’t made me look at Aye-talian broads with no brassieres, I wouldn’t have wanted to touch. MARTIN: Sheesh! Couldn’t you just look at a painting without groping it? Or saying, ‘Wow! Aye-talian bazongas’ at every single one? And couldn’t you, just for me, have stopped yourself trying to draw extra breasts on that last one? FRANKIE: She was very flat-chested. MARTIN: She was Pope Pious the Fourteenth! Geez, Frankie, can’t you just stand back and listen to what the painting is trying to say? Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 38 FRANKIE: There’s one hundred fifteen Aye-talian paintings in there, and you know what they’re all saying to me? MARTIN: What? FRANKIE: Hubba-hubba! MARTIN: Listen, I’ve had it. I’ll be seeing you, Frankie. CUT TO: Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 39 SCENE 12 EXT. OUTSIDE THE SEATTLE ART MUSEUM (CONTINUOUS) – DAY MARTIN WALKING AWAY FROM FRANKIE. P.O.V. OVER MARTIN’S SHOULDER AT FRANKIE, BEHIND; BUT ALSO SHOWING MARTIN’S FACE. WE SEE FRANKIE YELLING AND MARTIN’S REACTION, WHICH GOES FROM DISTASTE, THROUGH DETERMINATION, TO MOUNTING HORROR AS HE REALISES WHAT FRANKIE IS SAYING MAY BE TRUE. FRANKIE: You know what you are, Cranium? A snob! A beer with the guys, that’s not enough: you gotta look at art. And I’ll bet you started going to opera, too, aintcha? You didn’t want to, but someone made you, and now you secretly enjoy it. You know what you’ve turned into, Smarty Marty? One of those guys we used to laugh at. You know, the tall, pasty, bald ones that drink sherry and eat at fancy French restaurants, and don’t understand sports, and always use long words… MARTIN BREAKS INTO A RUN FADE TO: Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 40 SCENE 13 INT. FRASIER’S APARTMENT – DAY MARTIN RUNS IN TO THE APARTMENT IN A STATE OF SHOCKED HORROR. HE GOES STRAIGHT TO THE SHERRY CABINET, POURS HIMSELF A SHERRY AND DOWNS IT IN ONE. MARTIN: Ah! (RELAXES. BEAT. LOOKS AT THE GLASS) Sherry? I hate sherry! IN MOUNTING HORROR MARTIN REALISES THAT HE IS TURNING INTO FRASIER. HE CONVEYS THIS WITH A HORRIFIED GRIMACE, AND A HITCHCOCKIAN FAST ZOOM-IN TO HIS FACE. APPROPRIATE PSYCHOSHOWER-SCENE STYLE VIOLIN CHORDS OVER. CUT TO: Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 41 SCENE 14 INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA – DAY FRASIER’S FACE FILLS THE SCREEN EXACTLY AS MARTIN’S DID IN THE PREVIOUS SCENE, WITH THE SAME HORRIFIED LOOK. IN FACT, THIS IS EXACTLY THE SAME LOOK AS THE LAST TIME WE SAW HIM. CUT TO: Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 42 SCENE 15 INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA – DAY (CONTINUOUS) FRASIER AND DAPHNE ARE STILL SITTING SIDE BY SIDE, EXACTLY AS WE LEFT THEM. BOTH ARE HORRIFIED, STOCK STILL, NERVOUS. THEY SLOWLY MOVE APART. PAUSE. FRASIER: We need to talk, Daphne. DAPHNE: Yes, Dr Crane, I think we do. FRASIER: Of course, it’s only natural that you should be drawn to the Alpha Male in the social group… DAPHNE: Oh, my feelings for your father are entirely professional. FRASIER: Not my father. DAPHNE: (VISIBLY TRYING TO WORK OUT WHO IT IS) ...Eddy? FRASIER: Me, dammit, me! Look, we’re both going to have to cope with this. There’s going to be some regret… Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 43 DAPHNE: Oh, I know. But you’ll get over it, after a while. FRASIER: Yes… I’ll get over it? DAPHNE: You’re a man, you have your needs. But we can never be together. FRASIER: The only need I have at the moment is for a good Armagnac. Daphne, you’re obviously disappointed, but this transference… DAPHNE: Oh, don’t come your psychobabble with me. You’ve been dumped, deal with it. FRASIER: I’ve been dumped? No, young lady, you’ve been dumped! DAPHNE: Me? I never had a thing for you… FRASIER: Well, I didn’t have a thing for you. DAPHNE: Good. FRASIER: Good. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 44 DAPHNE: Good. FRASIER: What on earth made you think I was attracted to you? DAPHNE: Your brother told me you fancied me. Well, he said I had an admirer who was a Crane, anyway. (LOOKS CONFUSED) Perhaps he meant Lilith. FRASIER: Ah. I think I see now. DAPHNE: So, why did you think I fancied you? FRASIER: You jumped on me. DAPHNE: I was trying to get lint off your pants. FRASIER: You said… I’d got you jumbled in the underwear department. DAPHNE: I meant the washing! Honestly, men have minds like a Nebraskan railway: one-tracked and dirty. (GETS UP TO LEAVE) How on earth could you think I was attracted to you based on that? (EXIT) Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 45 FRASIER: Well, I wasn’t attracted to you either, remember! (CALLS AFTER HER) At least admit you ‘fancied’ my suit! FRASIER FOLLOWS DAPHNE OUT THROUGH THE REVOLVING DOOR. AS HE DOES SO NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE OTHER SIDE. HE IS OBVIOUSLY STILL ANGRY, AND HAS HIS TIE TIED AROUND HIS HEAD IN A RAMBO STYLEE. NILES: (DEEP, MACHO VOICE) Where… is… my… brother…? FADE TO: Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 46 SCENE 16 INT. FRASIER’S APARTMENT – DAY BLACK SCREEN WITH CAPTION: “FRANKIE, REMEMBER ME” THE SONG “FRANKIE, REMEMBER ME” BY SISTER SLEDGE STARTS TO PLAY. IT CONTINUES OVER THE ENSUING SCENE, REPLACING THE SCENE’S ACTUAL SOUNDTRACK FADE IN TO: MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR, STOCK STILL AND LOOKING DAZED. EDDY BRINGS A BEER IN FROM THE KITCHEN FOR HIM, AND PLACES IT ON THE TABLE BESIDE HIM. MARTIN DOES NOT MOVE. THE FOLLOWING EVENTS OCCUR IN QUICK SUCCESSION: FRASIER AND DAPHNE COME IN THROUGH THE DOOR, AND MOVE BEHIND MARTIN. THEY ARE STILL ARGUING – LOTS OF ARM WAVING AND POINTING AT FRASIER’S SUIT. THE ARGUMENT ENDS: THEY MAKE UP AND HUG, AND THEN DAPHNE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN WHILE FRASIER POURS A SHERRY. UNNOTICED, NILES HAS COME THROUGH THE DOOR AND SEEN THE HUG. AS FRASIER WALKS BACK TO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM NILES LAUNCHES HIMSELF IN A PHYSICAL ATTACK. THE PAIR LAND UNSEEN BEHIND MARTIN AND THE SOFA. DAPHNE COMES BACK FROM THE KITCHEN, SEES WHAT IS HAPPENING, AND GOES TO INTERVENE: SHE IS PULLED DOWN TOO. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 47 THE FIGHT CONTINUES BUT IS ONLY SEEN AS A SUCCESSION OF ARMS AND LEGS, AND THE OCCASIONAL HEAD, RISING ABOVE AND BEHIND THE SOFA AND MARTIN. MUSIC FADES DOWN AND SCENE SOUNDTRACK FADES UP (FIGHT RELATIVELY QUIET). PHONE RINGS. MARTIN ABSENTLY ANSWERS IT, STILL SITTING IN HIS CHAIR. MARTIN: Hello? Frankie. Listen, I don’t wanna talk to you. (BEAT) You’ve ruined my life, you deadbeat, you know that? Ruined! I was happy, not knowing, but now it’s hell. And you know the worst bit? I’ll never be able to go to the Seattle Art Museum again. (HE REALISES WHAT HE’S SAID) I’ll never… be able to go… to the Seattle Art Museum... (BEAT – A SMILE) ... again! MARTIN SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN, AND GRINS. HE IS BACK TO HIMSELF. MARTIN (CONT’D): Ha! Thanks, Frankie, I owe ya! MARTIN OPENS HIS BEER AND DRINKS. NILES’S HEAD APPEARS OVER THE SOFA AND LOOKS AT HIS FATHER IN WONDER. FRASIER’S HAND RISES TO PULL NILES BACK DOWN AGAIN, AS WE… FADE OUT. Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 48 SCENE 17 INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA – DAY (CLOSING CREDITS) CLOSING MUSIC AND CREDITS LIST, OVER. ROZ IS SITTING AT THE USUAL TABLE IN CAFÉ NERVOSA. THE REVOLVING DOORS HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY WESTERN-STYLE SWING DOORS, AS SUGGESTED BY NILES IN SCENE 2. A HUNKY, HISPANIC WORKMAN COMES THROUGH THE SWING DOORS: HE IS NOTICED BY ROZ, WHO IMMEDIATELY TOUCHES UP HER MAKE UP. AS THE WORKMAN PASSES HER TABLE, ROZ TRIPS HIM WITH HER FOOT AND USES THE ACT OF HELPING HIM UP AS AN INTRODUCTION. END Stupid’s Arrow – a sample ‘Frasier’ script by Nic Ford (07957 66 62 11) Page 49