Leafs Win Cup Everything Goes Wild!
Leafs Win Cup Everything Goes Wild!
TO I K E . S KU L E .C A Asteroid Strike Might Not Be Bad Idea MARCH 2013 Chimp Earns 4.0 in EngSci pg. 3 pg. 3 Leafs Win Cup pg. 5 Everything Goes Wild! pg. 7 Encounters with the University Slacker pg. 6 Beer Pong Losing Streak Devastates Frat House pg. 8 ISSUE VI, MARCH 2013 - PAGE 3 PAGE 2 - THE TOIKE OIKE, VOL CII EDITOR I A L THE UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO’S HUMOUR NEWSPAPER SINCE 1911 VOLUME CII — ISSUE VI — MARCH 2013 H ey there. You’re currently reading the editorial, and if you’ve read any of my other editorials so far this year, you probably think that I’m about to jump headfirst into a torrent of lame jokes about this issue’s theme. If that’s the case, I don’t blame you because that’s pretty much my thing. However, I’m going to start it off a little different this time, so bear with me. Heh, bear. Rawr. As a humor newspaper, we have a great appreciation for every genre of comedy, and often try to incorporate as many of them as possible into our work. And I think we’ve done a damn good job of that this year, except when it comes to one classic comedic staple of humanity’s laughter diet: slapstick. We simply don’t write enough articles that hit you in the face or pull your pants down while you’re reading. Sure you can rub the back page all over the face of someone you don’t really like, but let’s face it, that becomes a lot less fun once your victim decides to beat B740 Sandford Fleming 10 King’s College Road Toronto, ON M5S 3G4 the shit out of you for doing it. If there’s anything I’ve learned from America’s Funniest Home Videos having been on the air for 23 years, it’s that laughing at idiots who film themselves getting kicked in the balls never gets old. It really is too easy, you just have to find something stupid, show it to other people with a humorous pretext, and bam! You’re a comedy wizard. Now that’s where all these giraffes you may have been wondering about come in. You see, with a theme like “National Toikeographic”, we needed am angle for our slapstick humor, and thankfully evolution gifted us with exact that, in the form of a wondrous creature known as the giraffe. I don’t need to explain anything, you can see it all right from the pictures. Giraffes are basically like the teenage boys of the animal kingdom: they’re tall and lanky, pretty awkward, make lots of stupid faces, get into trouble and generally mess everything up. It’s adorable, and evidently it’s also the best answer for slapstick comedy within a newspaper that we could come up with. Interestingly, it seems to work better if you smack yourself in the face with a banana peel while reading, so you might want to give that a try. Other than that, before you delve into the issue I just want to congratulate everyone involved in Skule Nite for another amazing show, and assure everyone that anything that may or may not be located on page five of this issue is intended to be entirely of a joking nature. Mostly... Now, without further distration, please continue reading the rest of this wonderful paper. Evan Boyce Editor-in-Chief 1T2-1T3 tel: (416) 978-2917 fax: (416) 978-1245 http://toike.skule.ca e-mail: [email protected] EDITOR-IN-CHIEF SENIOR STAFF WRITER Andrew Jerabek HEAD GRAPHICS TEAM Cyrus Lau Heewoo Ahn HEAD COPY EDITOR STAFF WRITERS CONTRIBUTING WRITERS COPY EDITORS PHOTOGRAPHERS SPECIAL THANKS TO ETTERS TO THE LEDITOR Evan Boyce PRINTER AD PLACEMENT Ivan Matijevic Amanda Bell Jeremy Shindman Allison McPhail Samantha Summers Michael O’Dwyer Eric Andersson Nikola Dimiskovski Austin McLean Andrew Nestico Graham Perry Judy Shen Aidan Solala John Sweeney Tom Moiannou Ingrid Grozavu Eric Andersson Nicole Cyhelka Amanda Bell Anonymous Girl Weller Publishing Inc. Campus Plus Advertising COLOPHON Dear Editor, Finance, Pierre Harfouche Dear Editor, I recently found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. Any ideas on what I should do to get ready for the baby? Dear Pierre, What do you do if there isn’t enough content to fill up the Toike in any given month? - Me I totally see your side of things. That’s why, just for you, we’ve put a picture of a lovely lady on the cover of this month’s issue. I hope it fulfills your strange, somehow Toike-related sexual fantasies. Dear You, - Evan Dear Curious Reader, Having a baby is a pretty big deal, so you might want to prepare by making some important changes to your life. Most notably, your name, phone number, and address. P.S. You should probably think about what you’re saying before sending Facebook messages to the Toike Editor ;) - Evan Sending letter via telegram STOP Also, you’re cute STOP Call me sometime STOP Dear Editor, Your Toike cover pages this year suck compared to the 2008 ones. Those had some pretty hot girls on the cover. All you have on yours is a bunch of dudes. Soft. - - Curious Reader Engineering Society VP Dear Editor STOP Not enough content? There’s no way that would ever happen! Hundreds of students from across campus practically beg me to put their stuff in here, obviously! That being said, if the situation ever arose, I would probably just end up using some filler or something. Thanks! You’re pretty cute yourself STOP No, you stop! STOP Seriously, stop STOP Aarrrgh, what the hell, why won’t you stop saying stop? STOP FuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuSTOP - Evan STOP It tastes great on toast, too! - Evan Send your own letters to the editor! Email [email protected] with the subject “Dear Editor” The Toike Oike is produced anew each month using 3 bottles of Cuervo, a Commodore 64 and a pirated copy of Microsoft Paint. Typically, our staff meetings devolve into testosterone-fueled creative arguments, resulting in a good ol’ fashioned Mexican standoff followed by some selfdestructive competitive drinking. Once everyone achieves a healthy B.A.C. of approximately 0.25%, the migrant tequila fairies stealthily deposit a fully completed Toike issue onto our hard drives. WHAT HO? The Toike Oike began in Washington D.C. in 1888 as a club for an elite group of academics and wealthy patrons interested in travel. It has since evolved into one of the largest non-profit scientific and educational institutions in the world, with interests in geography, archaeology and natural science, the promotion of environmental and historical conservation, and the study of world culture and history. DISCLAIMER The radical, ultra-naturalist opinions expressed in this newspaper reflect those of the Engineering Society and the University of Toronto. In fact, they even reflect the opinions of the writers. NOT! If you happen to find any of the material within these pages offensive, do not try to sue us, as we have a crack team of racially diverse lawyers ready to bring tha pain and give out mix tapes. Sucka MC’s ain’t shit. NATIONAL TOIKEOGRAPHIC THIS MONTH’S FEATURED ARTICLES Study: Massive asteroid strike might not be a bad idea Would solve problems like violence, poverty, war, and hunger, claim scientists by Kate Middleton Toike Oike Expert Existentialist WASHINGTON D.C.– r. Andrea Cheng, PhD in Environmental Sciences and professor at Georgetown University, has been making waves in the scientific community after the results from her recent study were published late this week. In the paper, Dr. Cheng claims that a cataclysmic, large scale asteroid impact represents the best possible solution to nearly all of the global challenges humanity is currently facing. “I don’t understand why people are so surprised,” Cheng told the Toike in a phone interview. “Humanity moves forward by finding simple, efficient solutions to complex problems, and an asteroid striking the Earth is a perfect example of a simple solution to pretty much all of our biggest issues.” According to Cheng, should an asteroid of the right size – say, a few kilometers in diameter – strike Earth with sufficient velocity, humanity would see a nearly-immediate 100% decrease in violence, poverty, pollution, disease, corruption, and oppression. “All these issues – including, given our history of biological warfare, disease – would pretty much instantly disappear. We’ve run thousands of simulations using state-of-the-art modeling algorithms, and everything seems to agree with these findings.” Those objecting to Dr. Cheng’s findings have criticized her implication that the death of humanity D Pictured above: An artists’ representation of what humanity’s best hope for improvement looks like could perhaps be a positive thing. response to the study’s criticisms. “It ain’t right,” said local resident “Part of our duty as scientists is Betty Cooper, 53. “God put us on to put our work toward solving this planet for a humanity’s most reason. It ain’t up “Should an asteroid pressing issues. to some crackpot Why would anyof the right size scientist to deone be against strike Earth, cide when Judgthat?” ment Day is.” “That’s just humanity would see Dr. Cheng’s morbid,” said a 100% decrease in associate, Dr. Alan Pemberton, violence, poverty, a Georgetown Suzanne Choi, sprang to pollution, disease, student. “I mean, Cheng’s defense. I don’t want to corruption and “So what, are we die. That would oppression” supposed to just kind of suck. consider povSure, we’re reerty, hunger, war and other ter- sponsible for all sorts of horrible rible human-wrought atrocities things happening in the world. as good things?” she fired off in Like war, yeah. And poverty only really exists because we made it a reality, and hunger too. Same for oppression, I suppose. And – Christ, we have messed up, haven’t we?” “It’s not like the earth hasn’t been hit by a huge asteroid before,” Cheng continued. “This one would just come with the added benefit of fixing our problems for us. It’s sort of like the universe would be doing us a favour, if you think about it.” The rest of the scientific community has been quick to endorse Cheng’s findings, and have lauded her efforts in finding an elegant solution for such a wide range of issues. Trained chimpanzee earns 4.0 in EngSci Savvy simian surpasses other EngSci students in math, physics, and programming by Nikola Dimiskovski Toike Oike Monkey Business ENGSCI COMMON ROOM – any Engineering Science students were seen holding their ears and puffing their cheeks in hopes of emulating the success of their fellow classape James Cornelius in the wake of last semester’s engineering rankings. James, or “Jimmie” a west-Asian trained chimpanzee, earned a perfect 4.0 GPA and the #1 rank in the notoriously difficult EngSci program. It seems Jimmie had gone entirely unnoticed, as one source was documented openly saying “I thought I noticed a strange smell, but to be honest most of us have been too busy with problem sets, exams, and design projects to M shower”. When approached about his success, Jimmie (who speaks in an uncanny British accent) claims “I simply read the textbook and attempted the problems, ergo I see, I do.” It seems this chimp has made monkeys of all “Engsci” students by throwing a wrench in their storied “thisprogram-is-so-hard-not-evenan-extremely-talented-monkeycould-do-it” campaign. James can be seen around campus riding on his colleagues’ backs as a means of quicker transportation which annoys some students where “somebody get this damn dirty ape off my back!” is heard on a daily basis. James’ trainer, affectionately referred to as Uncle Zaius, was able to elaborate on this unlikely ape’s saga. As Zaius explains, he found Jimmie in the depths of the west-asian bamboo forests working for an illegal Math Circus. “It was awful for him, I mean truly degrading. They made him execute volumes of rotation using cylindrical shells” Zaius confided with a grimace. Sources say audiences “ooh ooh-ed and ahh ahhed” at impressive acts such as triple hairy integrals done with just his toes, nth order schwartzien quantum equations done in sign language, and the show stopping hyperbolic vine swing. Jimmie was able to give more insight on his baffling results. “Well calculus comes naturally to me, I mean the integral sign is essentially two bananas stuck together. This program is just not that hard.” The faculty has embraced the addition of Jimmie and professors are pleased that at least one student does not feel compelled to screech and fling feces during midterms and exams. ISSUE VI, MARCH 2013 - PAGE 5 PAGE 4 - THE TOIKE OIKE, VOL CII Idaho first-grader suspended five days for writing “gum” in notebook “He may not have finished the word, but he had written ‘gun’, and we have a zero-tolerance policy” by G.R. Beck Toike Oike Idaho Bureau Chief RICHFIELD, IDAHO – ive-year-old Noah Erikson likes playing tag with his friends, watching Arthur, and going to little league soccer practice. Noah's parents Paul and Alanna Erikson, however, were shocked to discover last week that Noah also likes encouraging THE VIOLENT DESTRUCTION OF AMERICA'S SCHOOL SYSTEM. "It started off as a writing exercise," said school teacher Donna McPherson in an exclusive interview, "and it quickly developed into something far, far worse." Ms. McPherson of Liberty Eagle Elementary School was reportedly watching Noah complete his writing exercise at 1:36pm when the incident occurred. "As I watched him over his shoulder, he had already written 'I like to chew' and started onto the next word. In a matter of seconds he finished the first letter, a lowercase G, and I immediately broke out into a cold sweat. I struggled to remain calm, mentally reviewing the F Pictured above: The horribly offensive page from Noah’s notebook teacher's handbook and praying to Jesus that this wasn't the g-word I saw on the news. By the time he finished the second letter, a lowercase U, I already knew I might not see my family again. As my legs struggled to support my weight, tears dripping down my face, I stood paralyzed and time appeared to stand still. For a moment I fantasized about getting to rub this in the faces of all the teachers who voted against arming school teachers with taser rifles, but I quickly realized that I might not be alive to witness it myself. Heart racing and vision blurring, I watched him start on the next letter. Suddenly, before I knew what was happening, I was blessed with an inhuman burst of strength. As the blood rushed to my face I let out a shriek, ripped the child out of his seat, and threw him across the room into a coat rack with all the power of a Ford Focus. Voice cracking and flinging bits of phlegm, I screamed at him to get up and go to the prin- ciple's office. In tears, the child fled, and the last thing I remember before blacking out was trying to dial 911 on my BlackBerry." Donna McPherson was compensated $750,000 by the school board for emotional damages and will be spending the next 2 years at statefunded therapy in Hawaii. Fortunately, this cost was covered by the profits earned in the Idaho State Charity Rally for New Textbooks, and so the Idaho School Board Association will not be facing additional debt this year. The parents of Noah were sent a letter concerning Noah's behaviour, and Noah will be spending the next 10 years in mandatory angercounselling sessions before being allowed to continue school ensuring that he never thinks about acts of violence or defies authority again. Although the Idaho School Board Association admits this was sparked by a misunderstanding, they are not considering appealing the zero-tolerance policy on pretend guns and are instead voting to rename "gum" to "freedom chew" in order to avoid confusion in the future. WWF announces new endangered species The rarely-seen “sober university student on St. Patrick’s Day” at risk of disappearing completely by Jay Sean Toike Oike Irish Correspondent UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO – n its recent campaign to raise awareness about donating to the organization, the WWF (World Wildlife Foundation) announced a new endangered species requiring immediate monetary donation from the entire world. The sober student on St Patrick’s Day (sapian lameeeian) is a group I that can be identified by their zero blood alcohol levels on St. Patrick’s Day. They are typically found hiding in libraries and common rooms across most university campuses. The species has taken the wildlife enthusiast community so long to identify due to its camouflage ability. For 364 days of the year, this special group appears exactly the same as their university classmates. But each year on March 17th, these creatures exhibit abnormally high levels of speech ability, fine motor skills and general coherence unlike others in dwelling in the campus ecosystem. Perhaps the truly astounding trait of the lameeeian that has amazed the global community is their lack of vomiting tendencies. Some specialists speculate that these creatures may even process the ability to operate motor vehicles on St Patrick’s Day. There is such an immense interest to see the lameeeians in their natural habitat that the Engineering Science Common Room is now operating daily tours. The WWF has observed that the species has already become extinct at the University of Western Ontario, and an official spokesperson for the WWF released a statement today asking enthusiasts to refrain from pressuring these special students to consuming alcohol (including both beer and green beer) on St Patrick’s Day, for the good of the species. In Soviet UTSU... Democracy Actually Matters Of coffee in Tim Horton’s “Roll Up The Rim” UTORwin Earns Name Change to UTORlose TORONTO, ONTARIO – After years of being forced to access the internet through “UTORwin”, a campus Wi-Fi network with a user experience that “could make the Dalai Lama want to choke a baby,” University of Toronto students got some good news on Monday. The university finally made the decision to follow through with a rebranding of the oft maligned “UTORwin”, changing the name to “UTORlose” to better reflect the network’s true proficiency. The two other campus networks, “UofT” and “eduroam”, which work instantly when connected to, do not require continuous log-ins, and have been described as “bitchin’” by the general student populace, will not be affected. Changes in the network name are expected to be finalized by the end of April 2015. Pictured above: Tyler Bozak celebrates the cup win along with teammates Dion Phaneuf, Phil Kessel and Mike Kotska. Protect your head, even in bed RIAA Sues Somalian Pirates, Legal Battle to Follow LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – The Recording Industry Association of America has launched a legal battle against what Chairman Cary Sherman calls “rampant and illegal piracy” in Somalia. The lawsuit, submitted in California Superior Court, contends that the accused “knowingly, and with malice intent, did commit acts of piracy in violation of international and domestic American laws.” The lawsuit seeks damages to ‘artists’ totalling an unprintable sum. Sherman contends that “each piece of artwork pirated is a priceless piece of human culture, and cannot have a price justifiably attached to it, or at least 100 million dollars per song, that seems reasonable…yeah.” When contacted for comment, the accused Somalians did not speak English. However, translated earlier ransom demands indicate that the alleged pirates were only copying backups of files they already owned, and that they “were going to buy it anyway, but now [we] won’t out of principle. Taylor Swift Releases New Single: Swift Shop Episode IV: A New Pope Leafs Win Cup News Briefs NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – Country pop star Taylor Swift, 22, stormed to the top of the Billboard 100 charts yesterday after the release of her new single, Swift Shop. “As with most of my songs, this one was inspired by a past relationship,” Swift said in an interview, and according to rumors swirling across gossip sites, the song is based on her secret fling with Ben Haggerty – better known as rapper Mackelmore – last month. Sources say that the couple broke it off after Mackelmore tried to take Taylor on a date with “only $20 in his pocket,” and expressed a frequent desire to wear her grandfather’s clothes. by G.R. Beck Toike Oike Rim Roller TORONTO, ONTARIO oronto hockey fans were treated to a second Christmas this winter as - for the first time in 45 years - the Toronto Maple Leafs were able to bring home the winning cup. The winning cup, picked up by Leafs Center Tyler Bozak, was purchased at 4:29pm on March 8th from the Tim Hortons at King and University. It was a large coffee, a double double. "[It] was really hot when I first got it, way too hot to drink," remarked Bozak in a post-victory interview, "but I was able to hold it by only touching the plastic lid and bottom edges until it cooled." T vs. A comparative analysis Name The Toike Oike Skule Nite Released Monthly Yearly Availability Everyone gets one Not enough tickets for everyone Cost Free $16-$20 Comfort Read anywhere, even while naked! Must watch in theatre, cannot be naked, have to be quiet Flexibility Read anytime you want, at your leisure, over the course of a month Must attend at assigned date and time Visibility Front row seat every time Usually awkward seats, unless you're friends with the producers Epilepsy Inducing No flashing lights, no seizures Flashing lights, several seizures Washroom access Can read while on the toilet Have to hold it in the whole time Eating Grab yourself a snack while reading No outside food allowed, $20 Häagen-Dazs Seniority 101 years old 93 years old Humility Anonymous submission Entire websites, booklets, and videos dedicated to showing off the cast Joining No auditions, work at your own pace Limited cast auditions, work and treat you like a slave Access to past editions All online for free Show available for DVD purchase once a year, poor audio and visibility, only sold to Skule Nite cast and crew Ruined the Fake Frosh Test by posting a video of it on YouTube, gathering millions of views to advertise Skule Nite No Yes Upon finishing the drink, he rolled the rim upwards to find it was winner. Bozak, who has been trying a more aggressive style of play this year, proved himself as the Leafs most valuable player in picking up the winner. However, he was also quick to credit his teammates for the role they played. “Well, it was Reimer who first suggested that we grab coffee,” Bozak recounted, “so Phaneuf drove us all to the Timmy’s while Kadri fiddled with the radio in the front seat. Lupul helped navigate with google maps and Orr stuck his middle finger and yelled “fuck you” at a guy who cut us off. Once we got there, Kessel passed me a toonie because I didn’t have change. Then Van Riemsdyk screened the cashier while I slipped the toonie past her. It truly was a team effort.” Leafs Goalie James Reimer was overcome by emotion as he spoke to reporters during the post-win celebration. “Seeing all the boys take a drink from the cup after we won was a really special moment for me,” he remarked, wiping tears from his eyes. “I’ve been dreaming about that moment ever since I was a little kid.” The winning cup was brought back to the Leafs’ dressing room later that afternoon, and team officials have confirmed that, as per NHL tradition, each member of the team will be granted the privilege of spending a full day with the cup. “This team has worked extremely hard all year,” coach Randy Carlyle said, beaming from ear to ear as his players’ raucous celebration continued. “They deserve to finally have a taste of success.” The grand prize of a free hot beverage of any size was redeemed by Bozak later that day in the hopes of possibly attaining another winner. “It would have been funny to win another free coffee,” said Bozak, completely unfazed by yet another defeat, “but frankly, I was just pleased to win once.” Meanwhile in Vancouver, riot damages recently exceeded $5.2 million after Canucks Left Wing Alexandre Burrows rolled his tenth "PLEASE PLAY AGAIN." ISSUE VI, MARCH 2013 - PAGE 7 PAGE 6 - THE TOIKE OIKE, VOL CII Encounters With the University Slacker by Jake Shelton G reetings. For those in engineering, arts & science electives present an overpriced opportunity to learn something uninteresting and provide humiliation by exhibiting an engineer’s illiteracy. For artscis, this is the norm. However, artsci courses present an odd challenge to those not accustomed to going to lectures, maintaining consciousness, or listening to professors: you actually have to pay attention and take notes. It seems that to learn geography or history, students need to learn from experts, or at least remember enough of what the ‘expert’ says to regurgitate it onto an exam. This is problematic for many students. A large portion of artscis have no inclination to attend or pay attention in class. But they also need notes. Thus, these freeloading morons use the glories of the internet to request these notes from attentive, or at least neurotic, students. This traditionally takes the form of mass emails to the entire class, up to 1200 students, asking for notes because of illness or alarm clocks or overworking, or The slacker: Hey guys, e? I’m sick Can I get the notes off someone for today’s lectur . I can no times 16 about fits as a dog, I almost died in sneezing would be It . home stay to fit it ht thoug i longer feel my face so ! ciated much appre Cheers, Alice Loads of people sent me notes, and to you I exten d my thanks! To many replied for me to thank you individual ly so everyone will get this. For those that sent the notes.... Than ks a million! For those who did not... look back on this whole situation and think to yourself, “could I have done better?” I’m sure you could have. Much Love, Alice The reply: Alice is right, guys - we can do better. From now on we have to pull together. We will all meet after every class to compare notes and compile a master set of only the best points, which we will then present to Alice. This will ensure that Alice is always up to date with course material. Regarding essays, we will form a group of the top five students who will collaborate on Alice’s essays and submit them on her behalf. This is to be done before we start work on our own essays and we must ensure that we do not repeat any sources or material, lest suspicions of plagiarism fall upon Alice. We will convene after next week’s lecture to find an Alice look-alike, who will borrow Alice’s T-Card and write the exams in her stead. You will, of course, forgo writing your own exam and receive a mark of zero, but that is part of the sacrifice that we must make for Alice. Further, we will institute a rotating lunch schedule wherein each day (including weekends) one of us prepares and brings lunch for Alice. Learn the list of foods Alice does not like to ensure that you do not end up wasting her time. Be sure to include dessert, as Alice enjoys this as part of a complete meal. I have surveyed the class and have noted that there are several burly individuals in it. You are responsible for carrying Alice between classes and to her house/residence. Should it be raining, an additional person will be required to carry an umbrella to make sure that Alice does not get wet. Finally, we will need two palm-wavers and one grape-dropper. I’m sure if we all work together, we can do what it takes to get Alice through this course. Love, Jake Shelton even all three at once. The slacker usually adds a nice please/thank you and a brief insincere apology to give their freeloading a veneer of earnestness. They may also not be considerate enough to spell or conjugate properly. If you cannot ask for notes from an individual in the class you know or are willing to converse with, then maybe this course of action is justified, once. But the repeat offenders must face (internet) justice. Whatever is an anal student to do? From genuine artsci experience comes these real (really, truly, Toike presents... Newest AdditioNS To The Girls GoNE Wild Series honestly real) letters. Should one run into an abundance of slackers, action must be taken, and (s)words applied. Three rules exist though: 1) Always remain polite. Nobody likes or respects vulgarity or cruelty. 2) Never respond to any replies. Aloofness got you this far already, so do not stop. 3) Never send it to anyone in authority; always exclude the professor and TAs from the mailing list. Remember, sarcasm is the superior path. Floors Gone Tiled Codes Gone Compiled The slacker: Hi guys, Hairs Gone Styled Sorry to bother you all but I was wondering if someone would be kind enough to email me lecture notes/recording from February 17. Im having a difficult time understanding some of the concepts from that lecture. I will be happy to return the favour. Please and Thanks, Bob The reply: Ex’s Numbers Gone Redialed Dear fellow students, My name is Jake, and I am an international student from Nigeria. I am writing to you because I am in a dire situation, and I have heard that you can provide me with powerful assistance. My uncle, who recently passed, was the dean of political science at University College Lagos. His substantial academic work is currently being held by the university administration, as his academic will was left unpublished prior to his demise. I am writing to you so that we may together access and retrieve his work. As part of the academic exchange program, the university administration demands a small fee of lecture material before they release his notes. To do this, I ask you to send me your course notes as soon as possible, so that we are able to pay the academic holding fees the administration demands. Out of his thirty-five published papers, as a joint-beneficiary you would receive seventeen, as well as onehalf of his unpublished book. Black Holes Gone Schwartzchild Napoleons Gone Exiled OJ’s Gone Mistrialed Black Men Gone Racially Profiled Time is of the essence as the university will lock the work in their vault of knowledge if they do not receive payment soon. If you are interested in helping me, along with your notes, please send your name, email, and social insurance number as soon as you can. Please, we haven’t much time until the administration takes the work from us. Laundry Gone Piled Love, Jake Shelton When nothing works and you need the prof to shut down the mass email function on Blac kboard Hitlers Gone Heil’d Dear Fellow Students, I have noticed over the course of our course (of course) that many students have stopped attending lectures, and are now requesting notes via mass email. This troubles me great ly, as not only are the emails repetitive, uncreative, and annoying, but wholly inefficient. Crowds Gone Riled I propose that we select among the remaining lecture attending students the best and most attentive note-taker , and have them, of their own FREE WILL, and under NO COER CION, distribute their notes to the rest of the class. This Marie Antoi-note-taker would of course compile any questions any of us may have before lecture, and ask them on our behalves. I feel that this arrangement would be to the benefit of everyone, as we would all get notes, and the note-taker would finally get the satisfaction of not having to hear from all the wonderful, studious, hard-working students asking for the note-taker 's lecture notes. Arnold Schwarzeneggers Gone Illegitmate Child Oscars Gone Wilde ISSUE VI, MARCH 2013 - PAGE 9 PAGE 8 - THE TOIKE OIKE, VOL CII Frat house devastated as beer pong losing streak continues What a fucking waste Scientists achieve breakthrough Things we’d rather pay money for instead of the UTSU in study of drunk party girls by Fox McCloud Bros continue to have tough time getting the balls in Toike Oike Fiscal Advisor O ur oh-so-mighty Engineering Society recently came to the decision that paying fees to UTSU was bullshit and did a little study to figure out if we could do the same ol’ crap as them with the same amount of money. Turns out they could, and in fact save a shitload of cash to the tune by Kanye Lingis Toike Oike Total Frat Move ΣΦA HOUSE – ollowing a relatively poor start to the school year, the Sigma Phi Alpha (ΣΦA) fraternity has slumped into a brutal beer pong losing streak. According to semi-credible drunken eyewitness reports from recent parties, ΣΦA’s teams haven’t won a game since December, and have been averaging only two sinks per game in the last month. Frustrations finally tipped over last Friday, after the sixth straight loss of the night prompted a ΣΦA brother to drunkenly challenge his opponent to a bro fight. Both individuals had reportedly gone flannels off, called each other “pussies,” and were swinging their fists wildly while instructing their bros to “hold me back,” before the situation was diffused. “You can tell that this slump is hitting everyone in the house hard”, says former ΣΦA beer pong MVP Andrew Jerabek. “No one’s taking us seriously anymore. Hell, I don’t think I’ve seen two girls make out at one of our parties in months.” The losing streak’s effects have been widespread on ΣΦA house, with the formerly epic parties featuring endless cheap beer and other various substances having dwindled down to a few brothers getting drunk on the couch. The recent beer pong losing streak has even forced all the members of ΣΦA to drink all the beer themselves instead of using F - 56,898 Tacquitos ($3/5 @7-Eleven) - 15,662 Liters Personal Lubricant ($1263.80/55 gal drum @Amazon) - 115km of Spongebob Squarepants Duct Tape ($7.50/10 yard roll @Tape Brothers) Pictured above: The sinks just haven’t been happening for ΣΦA it to get girls drunk at their parties. “I haven’t hooked up with a sorority girl in months,” confided ΣΦA brother Jimmy Tate. “It sucks. Back when we were top house for beer pong, the bros and I would be Eiffel Towering some girl, like, once every two weeks, minimum.” For the last two weeks, ΣΦA has put their efforts towards turning around their misfortunes, playing “casual beer pong” at the house every night and hitting the gym to get shredded. According to numerous members of the house, getting swole by pulling mad reps will definitely help them win at beer pong sometime soon. Perhaps the largest concern at the moment for ΣΦA is future recruitment. The recent string of losses has brought ΣΦA down 6 positions in the league, significantly lowering the fraternity’s reputation. With new recruitment now only a few months away, there seems to be little interest in joining ΣΦA and members are worried that the reputation of beer-pong supremacy is forever ruined. The cause of this losing streak has been a heavy subject of speculation among students. Some think that the recent trade of Eric Andersson from Delta Kappa Epsilon has changed the team mindset of the fraternity, while others consider the change from Pabst Blue Ribbon to James Ready beer to be the cause for this streak. ΣΦA hopes to achieve supremacy again, but the first priority re- - 1,896 Flemish Giant Rabbits ($50 ea @Kijiji) - 791 years of Brazzers porn subscription ($9.99/month) - Enough fireworks to probably cause a second Sandford Fleming fire - 8 working weeks of lapdances at Zanzibar ($20/4 minute song) mains: snapping their losing streak. Next week they face off against ΔKΕ in the season-ending showdown for another chance at redemption. “Thank god we get the porn channel in this house,” Tate commented when asked if he was looking forward to another shot at breaking the streak. “It’s about the only thing I actually look forward to every week anymore.” This column used to have whitespace on it Toike Oike In-Depth Investigator TORONTO, ONTARIO his past March 8th, the world saw the successful completion of yet another International “What About the Men!?” Day. March 8th, which is perhaps more commonly known as International Women’s Day, is a day during which misogynists around the world gather to ask the question, “Why do we need an International Women’s Day? What about men?” “I just don’t get it,” said Joe McTavish, 22. “Women already have equal rights. They need to shut up and stop complaining already.” Kaur Sanjesh, an advocate for women’s rights in Toronto, issued the following comment: “It isn’t that women don’t have rights – though in many places they still don’t. What’s worrying in Toronto is that despite women having rights, sexism does still exist. International Women’s Day is not a day about complaining. It’s a day meant T to celebrate the victories and commemorate the losses that have been felt in the long struggle for women’s rights, a struggle that continues to this day.” Said McTavish in response to Sanjesh’s remarks, “Any woman who thinks women need more rights is a man-hating lesbian.” “Look,” said Bruce Hamilton, 19. “I get that women’s rights are a big deal. But I’m not a bad guy! I would never hurt a woman, and I don’t think any of my friends would, either. I guess I just don’t see why there has to be a day for them, you know? Like, that’s just celebrating something they were born with. That would be like having a White Person Day, you know? That’s racist, and International Women’s Day is sexist.” When asked to comment on Hamilton’s remarks, Sanjesh said, “The achievements of women throughout history, and the nature of the worldwide struggle for women’s rights, often aren’t given the attention they deserve. Interna- tional Women’s Day is not really a day for women to celebrate having been born with two X chromosomes – in fact, that is very much not the point, as that would be exclusionary of trans*women and other women who fall outside the gender binary. The point of International Women’s Day is to celebrate the history of women, because often when we hear about history we are told about the history of men and history which exclusively men were involved with. This day is not sexist. Rather, it is an answer to the sexist nature in which most of the world’s history and humanity’s accomplishments are presented to us.” “Look,” McTavish said, “I like women. But if we keep letting them think they’re oppressed and whatever, they’re going to take over the entire world, and what would happen then? A world run by women would be all, like, emotional and pink and shit. I’m not sexist; I’m just saying. There’s no point in having an International Women’s Day. Women have rights. They’re just complaining.” “Exactly,” Hamilton added. “What are they even complaining about? Women get respect. Women have even more power than men, I’d say. I mean, when was the last time you heard about a women getting hurt? If I hit my girlfriend, I go to jail. If my girlfriend hits me, it’s a joke, or something. If anything, men are oppressed, not women. It’s downright dangerous to be a man in this world these days. Women have it really easy. They have to stop making a big deal out of nothing.” In other news, it is estimated that one in every three women will be sexually assaulted or raped in her lifetime; according to the U.S. Department of Justice, a woman is raped somewhere in America every two minutes; and on December 28, 2012, the unnamed 23-year old victim of a brutal gang rape in New Dehli died due to the irreparable damage and harm caused to her by her rapists. The official International Men’s Day is November 19th. - 11,440kg Extra-Fine Neon Pink Glitter ($0.47/half oz @ Kit Kraft) - 27,094 One Direction Stickers ($3.50 ea @Hot Topic) - 6,778 copies Punk Goes Pop Volume 5 ($13.99 ea @Hot Topic) - 1.18 Hard Hat Cafes ($80,000 each) International “What About the Men!?” Day declared a rousing success by Kate Middleton of $94,830. Naturally we here at the Toike said “Ninety-five grand? That’s a lot of meth.” And by meth, we meant all this awesome stuff we totally wanted to get that time at the arcade when we got enough prize tickets for an eraser or some shit. Each item on this list was verified by an independent third party to have more inherent value and less buzzword-laden drivel than anything currently on offer by the UTSU. - 158,050 Giant Sticky Hands ($7.20/dozen @ RI Novelty) - 12.9% of annual salaries, wages, and benefits of UTSU ($734,905 @ 2012 audit) - 79.8% of UTSU clubs funding ($118,774 @2012 audit) Ability to withstand subzero temperatures while waiting in line for the club finally explained by Russell D. Jimmies Toike Oike Science Reporter T he “party girl”: world renowned for her ability to withstand subzero temperatures while waiting in line for bars and nightclubs, wearing nothing more than some makeup and a small dress. For years, scientists and engineers have dismissed her unnatural resilience to frigid temperatures as a byproduct of elevated blood alcohol levels and a desire to conform to social pressures. However, according to a recent study published by the Department of Human Biology at the University of Toronto, the thermal properties of “party girls” might actually hold the key to revolutionizing the study of how the human body interacts with cold. “Didn’t it ever strike you as weird how some girls can just stand outside in the winter, waiting to get into a nightclub, without ever showing signs of being cold?” asked study lead author Dr. Peter Noh. “That question was at the heart of this study, and our results led to some surprising conclusions to say the least.” Dr. Noh and his team conducted their experiments with a group of 18-25 year old female study participants. Each participant was instructed to prepare as if they were going clubbing, and most showed up slightly tipsy, wearing strapless, sequined, sheer, or lace tops, as well as leggings, miniskirts, and various types of dresses. The participants were then placed in a wind tunnel simulation of winter conditions and observed by Dr. Noh’s team. “The results were mindblowing,” said Charmaine White, a graduate student involved in the study. “For every single test we ran, these girls remained physiologically Pictured Above: Girls wait in line for a nightclub while remaining completely unaffected by temperatures of -17 degrees celcius. unaffected by the cold temperatures. Though they seemed generally impatient and expressed a desire to ‘do more shots’, there were no noticeable effects beyond that.” “Our first instinct was to assume that these results had everything to do with the demographic we were working with, a genetic anomaly specific to 18-25 year old females or something like that,” Dr. Noh remarked to the Toike. “However, after performing the same tests on various control groups, we were forced to conclude that the attire and attitude of the girls was the only factor contributing to their inexplicable resistance to the cold.” As the research team performed further experiments, the importance of the subjects’ attitude in particular became more evident, Dr. Noh explained. “It wasn’t enough to be dressed in clubbing clothes, you also had to carry around a demeanor of youthful, intoxicated indiscretion, a disregard for future consequences, and a general lack of ‘fucks given,’” he elaborated. After publishing his work, Dr. Noh submitted a memorandum to Canada’s Artic Exploration program suggesting that all researchers working in subzero conditions be outfitted with a thong and a bottle of Jack as soon as possible, and be given instructions to utter the phrase “YOLO” at least once every three minutes. The Russian government is rumored to have already deployed packages of miniskirts and eyeliner to its artic bases. Dr. Noh also hopes to see some positive social effects come about thanks to his discovery, and is endorsing a program to provide low cut tops and tequila shots to homeless people living in cold climates. Even NASA appears to have found use for the newly-discovered properties, after the ISS sustained damage to its MLI thermal insulation last week. According to reports from the agency, astronauts on emergency spacewalk managed to fix the damage attaching a bra to the exterior of the craft, placing a cute tank top over it, and then removing the bra. The Toike Presents.... In Soviet UTSU... Sex positions inspired by the #1: “The President” - Lies on the bottom - cries - threatens to sue Now it has cocks Elections are run fairly, non-incumbents have a chance of winning positions, governance is transparent, a large portion of student money isn’t spent on overhead and staff salaries, extremist political causes with no relevance to education aren’t supported, legitmate critisims of the organization are addressed in a meaningful way, students voting at meetings aren’t referred to as “randoms” or “privileged”, #2: “The VP INTERNAL” - Ties you up - Calls you privileged #3: “The Renew” - Tells you Things will be Different this time “Really, It’ll be better, I promise” Does The Same Fucking Thing Wonders Why You’re mad #4: “The Special AGM” - Doesn’t FiniSH - Blames You Lik dis if u cry evrytim <3 ISSUE VI, MARCH 2013 - PAGE 11 PAGE 10 - THE TOIKE OIKE, VOL CII “Social Media”rology: Your Weekly Forecast To i k e Ku l t u re Ko ro n e r Movie Review: Lawrence of Arabia by Jake Shelton Toike Oike Cinephile S tar Wars has never been an easy series to match up to. Fans’ expectations of greatness always exceed a filmmaker’s abilities. But Lawrence of Arabia, David Lean’s not quite sequel to the prequel trilogy, and not quite prequel to the original trilogy might just do it. While oddly named, Lawrence of Arabia certainly meets the bill for a great space opera. The film sees a middle-aged Obi-Wan (Ben) Kenobi on Tatooine following the Empire’s extermination of the Jedi order. The story follows Ben as he leads the native sandpeople in a revolt against the Empire. The noble and honourable sandpeople fight for their freedom against the evil and fascistic Empire in the predictable, yet satisfying genre motif expected of Star Wars. While philosophically simple, the film’s spectacular action sequences, riveting dialogue, and classically outstanding acting push it into excellence. The mature viewer should note that Lawrence of Arabia’s script and delivery is miles better than any other film in the Star Wars anthology. The actors seem to live their roles, with Kenobi showing a more introspective, thoughtful side of his character than the earlier films allowed. However, a large issue present in the film is in the character representation and canon continuity. The special effects are underwhelming in the degree fans and critics have come to expect of Star Wars. It seems that Obi Wan has decided to shelve his recognizable lightsaber, and exchange it for the more inconspicuous blaster rifle and sword. Fans will also be disappointed if they expect much force play. While Obi Wan is as stoic as ever, and the action sequences truly are spectacular to watch, Lawrence of Arabia contains few levitations, force pushes, or force chokes, let alone any sort of lightning. Studio representatives explain this as a budgetary issue, citing the cost of those effects, as well as their plot inconsistency. And yet, in Lawrence of Arabia, Obi Wan’s monkish brown robes are replaced by white silk with gold trim. More noticeably though in terms of continuity is the great change in the characters. The sandpeople from the original Star Wars film, as well as the first episode of the prequels, have changed drastically. They have a distinctly epithetic resemblance to Arab peoples. While the studio again claims it as a result of budgetary constraints, similar to the portrayal of Klingons in Star Trek TOS (comparably epithetic towards East Asian individuals), the question arises of how much burlap sacks and surplus Soviet Bloc gas masks cost. Not much. It makes one wonder, critic and fan alike, whether the science fiction industry, ‘big sci-fi’, is engaged in a sort of racist conspiracy to make racist caricatures as cheaply as possible, rather than doing so by spending amounts similar to historical dramas and comedies. This critic thinks so, and Hollywood will have trouble proving me wrong. To sum up, Lawrence of Arabia is a wondrous film. Excellent as a standalone picture in and of itself, it adds great character development to the Star Wars series as a whole, providing much needed exposition to Ben Kenobi’s character. While technically lacking, it nevertheless delivers the Star Wars experience, and that is all we can demand. 8AM classe$ are painful. With an average student return of $1000, at least taxes are painless.* by Alan Sheppard Toike Oike Mass Mediarologist H ere at the Toike, our crack team of social mediarologists have been busy observing trends on the web. We have forecasted them here, so you can be prepared for everything the internet will throw at you over the upcoming week. On the Twitter shores this weekend, #YOLO is expected to move over warmer water, increasing in intensity to a category 3 #YOLOcane by Thursday. We’re predicting that it’ll make landfall over #swag, sometime early next week. Local residents are advised to keep indoors, as the trending topics are likely to be flooded with #YOLOSwag for some time. Instagram is looking at a 90% chance of flurries of poorly taken self-photos, but there will be no lasting accumulation. Meanwhile, the steady rain of images of food is showing no signs of letting up in the near future. The high pressure air overhead LinkedIn will continue to produce inflated resumes, followed by a massive flowery language bloom, releasing pollen that will fill the air and decrease employers’ visibility of who you really are. There’s a volatile Facebook system moving in late tonight, expected to bring in high levels of narcissism and oversharing. A rain of likes is likely, followed by a hail of comments. This system is expected to be quite the boomer, so expect to stay up all night looking at it instead of studying. Google + has now been downgraded to tropical depression after it failed to make landfall on the social front. Expected to dissipate by the end of the week. The drought of users around MySpace is moving into unprecedented territory, shattering all known records. The community is in desperate need of human interaction, with the last know hit on the website dating back to 2005. A fog of grumpy cats is still lingering over the front page of Reddit, while the Harlem shake is dissipating quickly, and is expected to be forgotten by the month’s end. r/funny remains overcast with lame posts, while upvotes continue to rise around advice animals and circlejerks in r/politics. Pictured above: Head over to toike.skule.ca to see the full “social media”rology report for South America, Europe, Austrailia, Africa, and North Korea. TOIKEOSCOPES ARIES An unexpected occurrence this week is going to flip your world on its head. Turns out one of those TTC buses on your route is surprisingly prone to rollovers. TAURUS Try to stay grounded in regards to your romantic endeavours this month. High voltages aren’t that pleasurable, anyway. GEMINI A picture is worth a thousand words, so stapling a glossy 5 x 7 of your face to that essay should definitely be enough to get you above the minimum word count. CANCER Your body seems to be going through a rather intense phase of physical changes, which means it’s probably time to lay off the masturbation. LEO Tread lightly, your roommate is beginning to suspect that you’re using his electric shaver to trim your pubes. VIRGO Remember, the things you really want in life aren’t going to just appear on your doorstep. Unless you really want a flaming bag of dog shit, that is. LIBRA Your recent choice to live in the moment will come to an abrupt, unfortunate end as you are forced to learn that Campus Police definitely does not live in the same moment as you. SCORPIO Important numbers to keep in mind this month while planning your future: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. Lottery numbers? You wish! Those are the percentage grades you’re getting on your final exams. SAGITTARIUS You will bring much joy to another family this month, thanks to your youthful health and status as registered organ donor. CAPRICORN You’re literally the only one out of all your friends who actually likes Gossip Girl. AQUARIUS People have always told you that you have a big heart. You’ll prove them right by suffering a sudden and severe myocardial infarction. PISCES .-- --- .-- --..-- / -.-- --- ..- / .-.-. - ..- .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / - .-. .- -. ... .-.. .- - . -.. / .- .-.. .-.. / - .... .. ... ..--.. / - --- --- / -... .- -.. / - .... . .-. . .----. ... / ... - .. .-.. .-.. / -. --- / .... --- .-. --- ... -.-. --- .--. . --..-- / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- . .-. .-.-.- / .... .- .... .- .-.-.- Want to join the Toike? Read this Black Box! Get involved with your friendly neighbourhood Toike Oike! Anyone can join. It doesn’t matter what year, faculty, discipline, or college you are part of; if you can read this then you are good enough for us. Are you fairly hilarious? Can you photoshop like a boss? Can you draw or sketch? Do you have an appreciation for humour? Do you have writing experience and want to try your hand at humour writing? Do people think you’re funny but you’re far too modest to ever admit that you’re a funny person? Do you have the mad English skills required to pick out our tyops and grammar follies? 95 $29. If you answered “yes” to ANY of the above questions, we could definitely use a person like you! student pricing & free SPC Card* hrblock.ca | 800-HRBLOCK (472-5625) © 2013 H&R Block Canada, Inc. *Average is based on all student returns prepared at H&R Block in Canada for 2010 tax returns. The average refund amount calculated for students was over $1,100, cannot be guaranteed and varies based on each individual tax situation. $29.95 valid for student tax preparation only. To qualify, student must present either (i) a T2202a documenting 4 or more months of full-time attendance at a college or university during the applicable tax year or (ii) a valid high school ID card. Students pay $79.99 for Complex/Premier return. Expires 12/31/2013. Valid only at participating locations. Additional fees apply. SPC cards available at participating locations in Canada only. Offers may vary, restrictions may apply. For full terms see www.spccard.ca. FILE NAME: 12-HRB-033-BW-RF-E-2 TRIM: 10" x 7.5" Head over to www.toike.skule.ca/join and get on the mailing list! You’ll be automatically notified of any and all upcoming meeting dates, times, and locations. PAGE 12 - THE TOIKE OIKE, VOL CII