you need not walk alone. we are the compassionate friends.

Edition No. 643
7884 Irish Avenue S., Cottage Grove, MN 55016
May/June/July 2014
St. Paul Chapter E-mail address: [email protected]
TCF National Office, P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522 Phone # (toll free) 877.969.0010
The St. Paul Chapter
meets the 2nd Thursday of
each month at
Beaver Lake Lutheran
Church
2280 Stillwater Avenue;
Maplewood, Minnesota
7:00 PM – 9:00 PM
For chapter information call
Sandy at (763) 228-2393
Chapter Website:
www.stpaulcompassionatefrien
ds.org
Chapter Facebook Page
www.facebook.com/TCFStPaul
MEETING TOPICS
(We can discuss what’s on your
mind; not only the listed topic)
MAY 8: Spring/Summer Holidays:
Mother’s Day, Father’s Day,
Graduations, Weddings, Vacations
can be difficult holidays/events to
handle after our loved one dies.
Our “seasoned” grievers will share
how they have learned to manage
them.
JUNE 12: Open discussion.
MEETING DATE CHANGE!!!
THURSDAY, JULY 17th: DUE TO
THE TCF NATIONAL
CONFERENCE IN CHICAGO, WE
ARE HAVING OUR MEETING IN
JULY A WEEK AFTER WE
NORMALLY WOULD. IT WILL
BE ON THURSDAY, JULY 17TH.
We will have Open Discussion
and/or will view an excellent movie
from The Grief Toolbox’s “Walking
Through Grief: A Guide to the Grief
Journey” series.
The Compassionate Friends, Inc. is a mutual assistance, self-help
organization offering friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved
families. Anyone who has experienced the death of a child of any age,
from any cause is welcome. Our meetings give parents an opportunity
to talk about their child and about their feelings as they go through
the grieving process. There is no religious affiliation. There are no
membership dues. The purpose of this support group is not to focus
on the cause of death or the age of the child, as it is to focus on being
a bereaved parent, along with the feelings and issues that evolve
around the death experience of a child.
The Mission of The Compassionate Friends: When a child dies, at
any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and
isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort,
hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a
daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others
better assist the grieving family.
TO OUR NEW MEMBERS
We recognize that it takes great courage to come to the first meeting,
whether you are a bereaved parent, sibling or grandparent of one
month or many years. You are welcome to bring a friend or relative
for moral support if you wish. You will find that it is all right to cry
and to laugh, to share how you feel or just listen. You do not have to
talk at a meeting if you don’t wish to. We welcome your participation,
but it is not a requirement.
TO OUR MEMBERS FURTHER DOWN THE “GRIEF ROAD”
Each meeting we have new parents, siblings and grandparents. THINK
BACK – what would it have been like for you at your first meeting if
there had not been any TCF “veterans” to welcome you, share your
grief, encourage you and tell you, “Your pain will not always be this
bad.” We welcome your presence and support!
INFORMATION REGARDING OUR MEETINGS
This is YOUR group and we are here to support each other. Our
meetings are open to bereaved parents, adult siblings, grandparents,
or adult family members such as aunts or uncles. We hope you will
find our meetings and newsletters to be a comfort, a place where
tears are allowed, no judgments are made, and, in time, that you can
once again find hope and meaning in life.
YOU NEED NOT WALK ALONE.
WE ARE THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS.
ST. PAUL CHAPTER INFORMATION
OTHER SUPPORT GROUPS
Steering Committee: Jan Navarro, Cori Claugherty, Kim
Pietruszewski, Cliff & Sandy Romberg, Carol & Ralph Bauman
& Cathy Seehuetter
Secretary/Refreshment Coordinator: Cori Claugherty
Treasurer: Greg Seehuetter
Co-Webmasters: Kim Pietruszewski & Cathy Seehuetter
Newsletter Editor: Cathy Seehuetter
Library: Carol Bauman
Special Events Coordinator: Kim Pietruszewski
Facilitators: Cliff Romberg & Cathy Seehuetter
Remembrance Cards: Colleen Hines
1st Contact: Sandy Romberg
New Member Outreach: Cori Claugherty
Sibling Contact: Alyssa Frank
Mailing/Folding Newsletters: Carol & Ralph Bauman
Chapter Leader/MN Regional Coordinator:
Cathy Seehuetter @ 651.459.9341
THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS NATIONAL OFFICE
TCF……………………………………..toll free: 1.877.969.0010
E-mail: [email protected]
National Website: www.compassionatefriends.org
We Need Not Walk Alone, TCF’s national magazine is now
available online! Go to www.compassionatefriends.org for
further information regarding receiving it online.
TELEPHONE FRIENDS
When you need to talk, they are compassionate
listening ears…
ACCIDENTAL/SUDDEN DEATH:
(Kim)……………………………………………………….507.351.4042
(Cori)................................................651.402.9482
ILLNESS (Jeanne)……………………………..………….…651.253.8634
ONLY CHILD (Kathy)………………………………….……651.426.2446
INFANT LOSS
(Deanna)….…………………………………………..715-553-3877
(Ben)……………………………………………………. 715-553-3490
CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS (Colleen)651.788.7885
SIBLING LOSS: (Alyssa)………………………………..651.528.6073
TODDLER LOSS: (Angela)………………………………970-568-6001
SUICIDE: (Cathy)……………………………………………651.459.9341
GRANDCHILD LOSS: (Carol & Ralph)……………651.739.7058
OCCUPATION-RELATED: (Sandy)……………….763.228-2393
STEPPARENT: (Cliff)………………………………………651.528.6073
DRUG-RELATED: (Anne)………………………………..651.328.4771
OTHER AREA TCF CHAPTERS
MINNEAPOLIS: Meets the 3rd Monday of every month at
Calvary Lutheran Church, 7520 Golden Valley Road in Golden
Valley. Contact Carol at 763.542.8528 for more
information.
APPLE VALLEY: Meets at 7:00 p.m. on the third Tuesday of
each month at Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran Church,
12650 Johnny Cake Rd, Apple Valley. Call Susan at
651.683.9236 for further chapter information.
HUTCHINSON: Meets at 7:00 p.m. on the second Monday
of each month at Oakland Chapel. Contact Jo at
320.833.2300 for further information.
MONTICELLO: Meets at 7:00 p.m. the 2nd Monday of each
month at St. Henry's Catholic Church, 1001 – 7th St. E.,
Monticello. Call Beth at 763.295.3610 for further info.
BRAHAM – Meets the 3rd Thursday of each month 7:00 pm
at St. Peter & Paul's Catholoc Church, 1050 Southview Ave,.
Contact Debbie Johnson & Shannon Held @ 763-5684138 for further information.
(www.compassionatefriends.org for chapter locators)
SUICIDE
Survivors of Suicide ………………………………612.922.5830
Suicide Awareness/Voices of Education..952.946.7998
www.SAVE.org
Crisis Hotline……………………………………1.800.784.2433
INFANT LOSS
Infants Remembered In Silence, Inc. (IRIS)
112 Third St. NE
Faribault, MN 55021
(507) 334-4748
www.irisRemembers.com
STEERING COMMITTEE MEETINGS
The St. Paul Chapter enthusiastically welcomes members
who are interested in helping with the
work of the chapter and its direction. If
you would like to find out more
information about joining the Steering
Committee, please call Cathy at
651.459.9341 for the time and date of
our next steering committee meeting.
Articles printed in this newsletter are reflective of the
individual writers' views and not necessarily the opinion of
the Editor or TCF. As we each grieve differently, we will also
find different things to be helpful. Therefore, a variety of
views, articles and poems are included in each newsletter to
reach out to all of our readers.
In accordance with the Principles of The Compassionate
Friends, "We treat what is said at meetings as confidential
and what we learn about each other as privileged
information." In order to protect the privacy of our
members, our database, e-mail addresses, and mailing list is
used for TCF purposes only.
We have a sibling contact person (see this page for Alyssa's
phone number) but do not have a scheduled sibling meeting.
However, siblings age 16 and over are always welcome at
our regular meetings, as well as contact Alyssa.
We are unable to provide childcare during our meetings.
While we understand the difficulties of finding child care, we
respectfully ask that any children attending with you be old
enough to understand the meeting discussions. We request
that attendees be 16 years or older.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
MAY/JUNE/JULY 2014
PAGE-2
OUR CHILDREN REMEMBERED
In the days ahead, may we lovingly remember these children and their families
and keep them in our thoughts…
LOVED…MISSED…REMEMBERED AT THEIR BIRTHDAY MONTH AND ALWAYS:
5th
8th
8th
8th
Brent, son of Nancy & Jim Hendrickson
Michael, son of Bob Williams
Walter Tessmer, son of Cheryl Senn
Alysa, daughter of Karen & Collin Hale & sister of Nik
2nd
2nd
11th
15th
17th
21st
John, son of Mary Ann Pojar
Silas Williams, son of Nicole Nontelle
Kerri Braun, daughter of Barb & Dave Deters
Jason, son of Kim Norbeck
Erin, daughter of Colleen Como, sister of Hunter
Audene, daughter of Ann Castaneda
1st
2nd
4th
4th
5th
6th
8th
10th
10th
13th
14th
Jessica Axtell, daughter of Kate Petrick
Blake, son of Katy McCarty
Karly Wahlin, daughter/stepdaughter of Lois & Greg Swope
Tony, son of Sheryl Staples
Larry, son of Lois Nyman
Jade Elizabeth, daughter of Alison Fish
Travis, son of Kristie Winter
Devin, son of Missy Aryal
Allie, daughter of Bob & Nancy Snow
Andrew, son of Patti Fladwood
Nicole, daughter of Mark & Mary Pagel
MAY
14th Charlie, son of Kathy & Allen Lesnau
15th Sabrina, daughter of Lyle & Jan Lindberg
19th Rita, daughter of Karen Gorz
25th Patrick, son of Julie Niemi
JUNE
24th
25th
26th
28th
29th
JULY
17th
17th
17th
18th
24th
24th
26th
26th
29th
Stacy Jean Rohrer, daughter of Cecelia Skidmore
Matthew, son of Kathy & Doug Amos
Julia Ann Bartlett, daughter of Carol & the late George Konkle
David, son of Jim & the late Bev Franzen, brother of Tom
Jami Agudelo, daughter of Pat Ossell
Johnathon, son of Lyle & Kerrie Pohlen
Jeff, son of Donna & Chuck Harstad
John, son of Denise Ganje & grandson of Alice Mae Guckin
Becky Hayes, daughter of Jeanne Vogel
Tony, son of Carrie & John Carlson
Derek Beauclaire, grandson of Carol & Ralph Bauman, son of
Rhonda Donahue
Nicholas, son of Becky & Tom Ogren
Philip Franklin, son of Kathryn Bazoff
Germain, daughter of Laurel Vigeant
OUR BELOVED CHILDREN…IN OUR HEARTS ON THEIR REMEMBRANCE DAY
MAY
12th
13th
17th
17th
18th
25th
26th
3rd
6th
6th
8th
11th
Jade Elizabeth, daughter of Alison Fish
River Daniel, son of Ben & Deanna Wheeler
Michael, son of Tom & Fay Manning
Cheryl, daughter of Denise & Steve Bjerke
Kristina (Nina) Westmoreland, daughter of Cathy & Greg
Seehuetter, siblings Lisa, Amy & Dan; granddaughter of Ellie &
Harlan Plumb
2nd
6th
10th
11th
15th
17th
18th
Chris, son of Greg & Cathy Seehuetter
Brittany, daughter of Inge Black
Keith, son of Mary Paulson
Brett, son of Mark & Lonnie Bohnen
Andrew, son of Patti Fladwood
Joshua Berg, son of Angie Mendez
Travis, son of Kristie Winter
JUNE
19th Nick, son of Roxanne Opse
19th Nicole, daughter of Mark & Mary Pagel
19th Kelly Thompson, daughter of Bob & Jeanne Walz
21st Tony, son of Sheryl Staples
23rd Jimmy, son of Cindy & Jim Sandberg
25th Christine Flaherty, sister of Rick Monita
30th Adam, son of Steve & Lisa Gott
2nd
5th
6th
6th
7th
8th
9th
9TH
Daniel, son of Jason & Anne Cade
Derek Grabinski, son of Jackie Bandzak
Michael, son of Bob Williams
Jeff, son of Sheila Peterson
Aimee, daughter of Mavis & Shane Goldstein
Kellie Kaye, daughter of Joannie Kemling
Sabrina, daughter of Lyle & Jan Lindberg
Ryan Gerdesmeier, son of Marsha Schultz
JULY
15th Paul Michael, son of Mike & Sheryl Staack
18th John, son of Marlene & Joe Keyser, brother of
Maureen Johnson.
19th Nic Manolovitz, nephew of Neli Frascone
25th Charlie, son of Kathy & Allen Lesnau
29th James Haglund, son of Maxine Haglund-Blommer
30th John, brother of Kristy Schauer
30th Erica Ann Wilson, daughter of Jo Verdon
Trevor, son of Jim & Lori Budd
John, son of Janet Lundeen
Kellie, daughter of Sue Hanson
Joshua Haglund, son of Maxine Haglund-Blommer
Alysa, daughter of Collin & Karen Hale, and sister of Nik
Tom, Jr., son of Tom & Laura Burback
Jesse Buchanan, son of Carol & Gary Malek
Sincere apologies for the unintentional omissions from the Feb/Mar/April 2014 newsletter: Linda Bergan for her grandson Lawson Rio’s
remembrance day of April 30th; Leona Eishen for her son Sgt. Lawrence Paulsen’s remembrance day of April 27th; and Denise Ganje for her
son and Alice Guckin’s grandson John Tyler Guckin for his remembrance day of March 15th
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
MAY/JUNE/JULY 2014
PAGE-3
“LOVE GIFTS” are taxdeductible donations given in
memory of our children or
other loved ones by family,
friends, or others who wish to
help with the work of the St.
Paul Chapter. Our chapter is
self-supporting and donations
fund our chapter activities, such as meeting supplies and
featured speakers; annual Candle Lighting and Balloon
Release programs; special events; resources such as
books, pamphlets and outreach materials for the newly
bereaved families; postage and printing for newsletters and
flyers, meeting supplies, and much more. Our chapter
would not exist without your help.
Thank you very much to those who donated “Love Gifts”
and also to all who contribute to the free-will donation
basket at our meetings. We sincerely appreciate your
support!!!
“Love Gifts” were given in memory by the following:
- Ben and Leah Kann for their son, Eli’s 4th birthday
- Tom & Wendy Langer for their son, Michael
- Deanna & Ben for their son, River Daniel
- Peggy & Craig Riggs for their son, David
- Bonnie & Dan Boyum for their son, Michael
- Alice Guckin for her son, John Temujin Guckin & grandson
John Tyler Guckin
- Barb & Dave Deters for their daughter, Kerri Braun
- Jo Verdon for her daughter, Erica Wilson
- Denise Kiehne for her son, Patrick Nicholson
- Gary & Kay Yanka for their son, Eric
- Don & Julie Larson for their son, Gregory
- Karen Gorz for her daughter, Rita
- Rodney & Laurie Ogard for their son, David
- Cindy & Jim Sandberg for their son, Jimmie
- Neli Frascone, for her nephew, Nic Manolovitz
- Lou and Steve Neumann for their daughter, Karissa
- Anonymous donors through our meeting donation basket
- United Way donors through their employee giving
program
BIRTHDAY &
REMEMBRANCE TABLE
If it is the birthday or
remembrance month of your
child, sibling, or grandchild (or
someone who was like a child to
you, such as a niece or nephew), we invite you to use the
Birthday & Remembrance Table at our meetings to display
photos or other mementos. We do this to celebrate their
lives and to share this day with others who understand how
important it is for us to acknowledge these dates. You can
also bring a special treat or even a birthday cake to share if
you wish; even if you don’t regularly come to meetings,
please come and share your loved one with us.
2014 TCF National Conference
Compassionate Friends is pleased to announce that
Chicago, Illinois, will be the site of the 37th TCF National
Conference on July 11-13, 2014. "Miles of Compassion
through The Winds of Hope" is the theme of this year's
event, which promises more of last year's great national
conference experience. The 2014 conference will be held at
the Hyatt Regency O'Hare in Rosemont, just minutes from
the airport. We'll keep you updated with details here, on
the national website as well as on our TCF/USA Facebook
Page and elsewhere as they become available. Plan to
come and be a part of this heartwarming experience.
Early registration for the conference will be $90.00 for
Adults, $40.00 for Children (9-17), and $40.00 for FullTime College Students. Online registration will be available
starting March 1.
For further information and to register online, please go to
our national website @ www.compassionatefriends,org
SPONSORING A NEWSLETTER
Our chapter members have an opportunity to remember
their child, sibling, or grandchild by sponsoring the printing
and/or postage of an edition of our newsletter. With
increasing costs for postage and printing, the newsletter is
our chapter's largest expense (mailed 4 times a year), yet
one of our most important means of outreach and support
for our present and future members.
- Cost of printing the newsletter: approximately $175-$200
- Cost of postage: approximately $75-$125 (depending on
pages and weight of paper)
Your sponsorship will be acknowledged in the newsletter—
and you can add a photo To sponsor call Cathy at
651.459.9341 or [email protected].
“Wherever this summer takes you, may your journey with grief be such that you find healing in tears,
with friends, in the quiet of nature, and the beauty of sunrises and rainbows.” ~Pat Pinch, Winnipeg, Canada
TCF
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
MAY/JUNE/JULY 2014
PAGE-4
REMEMBERING DARCIE SIMS
Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D, bereaved mom of Austin “Big A”,
internationally known speaker on grief and bereavement,
educator, and author died at home on February 27th of this
year. It was sudden, unexpected and shook the grief
world. For those of you who knew her, you already know
the importance of Darcie Sims to us fellow grievers; but for
those of you who don’t, this is what I wrote a couple of
days after her death. She leaves behind her husband
Tony, daughter Allie Franklin and husband Greg, and her
beloved granddaughter, lovingly known as “Ms. Darci”:
Over the years, when I spoke of Darcie, the adjectives
in front of her name were numerous including “wisest lady
I know”, “incomparable”, “grief expert”, “one of a kind”,
“the grief world’s favorite speaker” and “friend to us all”
In the past year and a half, I would add to that list
“loving friend”, “irreplaceable”, “big-hearted”, “always
encouraging”, “kindred spirit” and more accolades than I
can possibly list. There is no one else like Darcie. I, like
thousands of others, weren’t ready to let her go.
I first heard Darcie speak to a crowd of bereaved
parents at a conference being held in Minneapolis in May of
1996. It was just days before the first anniversary of my
beloved daughter Nina’s death. My grief was still very raw
and I didn’t know what to expect from this conference filled
with other aching hearts. However, luckily, Darcie was the
opening speaker.
At first, I was a tad uncomfortable that I was
laughing…probably one of the first times I laughed since
that horrific day back in May of ’95. Yet, in the next breath
I was in tears and nodding my head in agreement with
what she was saying. She had the ability to take us from
laughter and smiles to sorrow and tears, and without
saying so, made us know it was okay to do both; laugh
when we found something to be funny, and weep the tears
that we must cry on this journey. She taught us that a
single Kleenex from a tiny tissue-pack in our purse would
never be big enough to hold those rivers of tears that we
would cry; so we needed to strap on a roll of toilet paper
because only then would there be enough tissue to catch
that deluge of tears. She also taught me that day that we
should carry a “smile on a stick” so that when we felt the
need to throw on that mask that we sometimes felt the
need to do in the presence of the non-bereaved that we
could hold up that fake smile required from us as we
gritted our teeth behind it. Those are only two of the many
props she used--along with lobster hats and rose-colored
glasses--to bring wit into what was anything but a
humorous subject. However, the most amazing of all, was
that when she was speaking to this room filled with people,
we all felt that she was speaking directly to us. That she
had reached inside of us and gently held our broken heart
in her hands, letting us know she understood and there
was hope. I knew after listening to her that I was most
definitely in the right place. And from that day forward, I
was a huge fan!
I heard Darcie speak at 18 national & regional
conferences I’ve attended including the World Bereavement
Conference that she and Tony gave in Vancouver, British
Columbia. When she was the closing speaker for the TCF
national conference in Costa Mesa, I told her that I still had
goose-bumps and she was “never better”. But I didn’t
really get to see the true Darcie Sims that I now know love
until I took the course she gave to become a certified Grief
Service Provider in Omaha, NE through American Grief
Academy. She was an incredible instructor and the notes I
took and the information she gave us for the course
continues to be my grief bible when I need a refresher to
help another broken heart. She always had time to answer
a question, to give me a pat on the back, to encourage me
to do something I was not particularly comfortable doing,
and to tell me I had a gift that
needed to be shared with the
bereaved among us. Even
after the class was over, as
busy as she was, she sent
emails and Facebook messages
always filled with love and
kindness and more
encouragement.
Even those who have had
loved ones die forget that we
should never take things for
granted. It just didn’t occur to
me that Darcie wouldn’t always
be with us on this earth---to
guide us, to teach us, to make
us laugh, to boost sagging self confidence, to give the
sincerest warm hugs, and to have a friend who you knew
would be there—even long distance--to comfort and
encourage at the drop of a hat. She was a gift to the
world’s grievers, truly irreplaceable, and there will never be
another person like Darcie. I am so thankful for her life. I
join thousands of broken hearts around the globe who love
her too and cannot believe that she has left this world. But
my hope is to keep her memory alive with the things she
taught me, her encouraging words, her wisdom, and will
continue to do her amazing work the best I am able by
supporting, loving and bringing hope to the bereaved
families I meet on this journey, just as she has done, with
what she has taught me…and, of course, share with them a
roll or two of toilet paper… ~ Cathy Seehuetter
Some Favorite Quotes by Darcie Sims, Ph.D.
"Don't let death cast ugly shadows, but rather warm
memories of the loving times you shared. Even though
death comes, LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY."
"No light born in love can ever be extinguished."
“May love be what you remember the most!”
“Grief is NOT a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. Grief
is the price we pay for love.”
“Letting go of the pain doesn’t mean letting go of the love”
“Grief isn’t a seasonal song; it’s a lifetime song,
but it doesn’t have to be a sad song forever.
Our loved ones lived; we loved them; we still do.
I choose joy and thanks for the little while.”
*The family prefers donations be made to the Darcie Sims Training
Memorial Fund through TCF @ www.compassionatefriends.org
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
MAY/JUNE/JULY 2014
PAGE-5
Thoughts from the Editor…
THE WAKE-UP CALL: HER BEST FRIEND’S
WEDDING
The bride (my daughter’s best friend) was
radiant; the groom nervous but excited; the
flower girl and ring bearer adorable; the
parents' shedding joyful tears; the weather
near perfect...by all appearances, it looked
like the ideal wedding; all was progressing
smoothly, things were coming together as planned.
Not a thing looked out of place…to most everyone
present; that is, to everyone but me, the mother of a
forever 15-year-old brunette with a dazzling, braces- laden
smile. I tried desperately to hide my quivering lip, ignore
the lump in my throat and knot in my stomach, yet lost
that battle to choking sobs and a flood of tears that
streamed down my face relentlessly. I watched the
bridesmaids as they proceeded down the aisle, longing to
see the face of my daughter, Nina, who should have been
physically present, if her life were not cut short by a drunk
driver. Instead, she was relegated to a small mention at
the back of the program along with the couple's
grandparents: "Here with us in spirit..."
I weathered the reception until it came time for the
wedding party to take to the dance floor. They all had a
particular dance and a song that apparently was their
group of friend's "special thing". They participated in this
dance and song with obvious delight. As I watched, I
realized that this was something Nina, who had died eight
years earlier, had never been a part of – it was as if a hand
had reached down and plucked her out of the loop. At that
very moment I have never felt so profoundly Nina's
nonexistence in the lives of her high school friends.
The few years following Nina’s death, her friends (while
they were still high-school students) were still closely
connected to her. However, since then they have
graduated from college, now many have married or are on
the career track. Some even have children of their own. A
lot of time and distance and events had taken place in that
time frame. And all of it without Nina's physical presence;
to them now a distant memory. After a night of insomnia
and much self-analysis, I came to some conclusions that I
hope will help those of you who may find yourself in a
similar situation someday.
The wedding really became a wake-up call for me; a lot of
realizations became clear. Though other bereaved parents
seemed to understand that this would be the outcome and
had forewarned me, I was blind to it. They seemed to
grasp the inevitable; that though Nina was paramount in
my thoughts, no one else could possibly be able to think of
her with the same magnitude as I did. In my desperation
that she not be forgotten, I seemed to delude myself into
believing that should be the case for everyone. For
bereaved parents, one of our greatest fears is that our
children will be forgotten. But after this wedding and the
opinions voiced by others who know, I think this needs to
be amended. That though we, as their parents, remember
our children in much more visible and personal ways,
(such as memorial gardens, scholarships, remembrance
services, balloon releases, photo buttons and pictures here,
there and everywhere, and speak of them freely, with
laughter and tears), that others may do their remembering
in much more subtle and private ways. That though we do
not always see it outwardly, as we might prefer, they
remember internally, by carrying our loved ones’ memory
more quietly in their hearts.
Life marches on. We are glad (and maybe even a little
envious) that our children’s friends are happy in love or
successful and would want nothing else for them. But when
all is said and done, even with our most valiant efforts at
managing the milestones that our children may not have
been able to experience, like graduations, marriages,
grandchildren, and more--all of those major happenings we
will never experience with our children--no matter the
amount of time that goes by, their absence hurts. We love
them and always will. How could it not be painful?
I don’t write this to sadden anyone; I tell you of my
experience so that if this happens to you somewhere in
your grief journey you might be able to see it in a different
light. I know that I will try to remember this when I don’t
hear from her friends for a long time (or maybe not at all).
But when I go to her grave site and see a bouquet of her
favorite flowers (daisies) I know were left by her best
friend, or a note written in the journal I leave there written
by a classmate that I never even met, that they haven’t
forgotten; that Nina had an impact on their lives and that
they continue to and always will remember…but in their
own way.
With gentle thoughts,
Cathy Seehuetter/TCF St. Paul, MN
Written in Summer, 2004
SUGGESTIONS FROM THE EDITOR ON ATTENDING
WEDDINGS (OR NOT) WHEN YOU ARE BEREAVED
- Plan an “escape route”. Sit where you can get out of
the church or reception without too much fuss. If you can,
sit in the back row close to the exit of the sanctuary. Do
this so that if you find that you just can’t sit there for even
one more minute without fleeing and/or screaming, you
have a way to leave as easily as you can.
- Use the “5 Minute Rule”. Tell yourself that you will not
make a decision about whether to go to the event or not
until 5 minutes before it is time to leave. That however
you feel at that specified time frame will determine if you
feel you are able to or not handle being at the wedding or
reception. You can even put that on the RSVP. Hopefully,
they will be okay with that but, if not, please be good to
yourself and stick with what you feel will be best for you. A
true friend will understand. And only you know what is best
for you.
***The above suggestions can be used for
more than just weddings, but for other
happenings like graduations, holiday
celebrations, or any event that may be difficult
to be present at since your child, grandchild, or
sibling died.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
MAY/JUNE/JULY 2014
PAGE-6
LIVING THE LOSS ON FATHER’S DAY
The dogs were barking strangely one early morning in July of 1970; I was 15 years old.
I knew someone had probably driven up our driveway and was taking their time to
come to the door, which was driving the dogs nuts. I was up early to get ready to bring
my dog to the county fair as a 4-H project and was eager for the day. I went to the
window and peered out to see who could be there this early in the morning. I then
spied my Mom walking up with two neighbors close by her side, arms around her,
covering her in an obvious shawl of compassion. They were whispering and weepy eyed. My dad had died.
A few days prior, he had gone in to hospital for a relatively new operation for clogged arteries to the heart. At that time,
it was then a very risky operation. My father had complications following surgery and later died. Our neighbors brought
my mother home to support her in breaking the news to me and my sisters. My mother reached out to me and
embracing each shoulder with her shaking hands she said, “You are the man of the family now, son; you need to take
care of your sisters, and the farm. Your father has died.”
I hugged her without a tear, without fear and just said, “Okay, I love you, Mom.” I never really did grieve or publicly
lament my father’s passing. I was the kid whose old man kicked the bucket over summer break. I was embarrassed by
the quiet looks of consternation and so I became the clown, to laugh it off preemptively and avoid the glares. I put away
the grief, the pain, and did not lament, or mourn, my loss. It seemed almost too easy to pack away. My mother soon
remarried, then feeling somewhat abandoned, compounded with the strong feelings to stretch my own wings, I moved
away from home.
Now years pass by, I get married and have a child, our first-born, our only son. Soon, we were blessed with the birth of
his darling sister; life seemed again to be joyful and the fulfillment of a dream. Then, the dark clouds returned with
death of my son. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the depth of pain that one experiences in losing a child.
Nothing! The world stopped and everything I ever knew had now changed forever. I was lost in hopeless pain for many
years. Father’s Day mocked my existence. Both my past and my future in fatal swoops were whisked away, and I was
left here in the present alone in so much pain. Why me?
I lost my father, then my son. I felt so violated, so cheated, earmarked by God for misfortune; it felt like I was playing a
role in some Thomas Hardy tragedy novel where I played the main character whose life was built on misfortune. I soon
cracked under its weight; it broke my spirit, and I felt hapless, hopeless, innocuous and miserable. I wanted to die. I
had my daughter to care for and a wife who spoons my soul, but I had no zest for life, no passion, no feeling, no goal. I
struggled hard to free myself from the web of self pity, and I dug deep into my inner soul; from attic to basement, I
looked within myself to find a way out. In my head with angels’ help, I went back to the day my father died. I literally
went back and relived the moment. I screamed and I cried. I finally lamented for my father and let out the buried angst
hidden for so long. When that dam burst, I could then make room for the lamenting of my son. Only then did my road
to acceptance begin. Acceptance is not selling out, or letting go of their love; it is just accepting that they are dead and
giving ourselves permission to rebuild our lives the best that we can.
I finally grieved for my father and I am still grieving for my son. Accepting their death is not the end of the bereavement
journey; it’s only the beginning. We shall continue to grieve for associated losses from their deaths the rest of our life.
Father and son banquets, hunting trips with the boys, working on cars together, sharing a beer or two, having a pair of
strong shoulders to hug, so many potential moments that we shall grieve forever. No grandchildren, or great
grandchildren, no retirement party, birthday parties or graduation celebration, no parties of any sort. We are always
reminded that their lives were cut short, and we grieve anew for what should have been.
Through the loss of my son, and other family members, I have learned much on the journey. I found that I love deeper,
I smell flowers longer, and I savor the sunsets more. I feel the best when helping others, and I thank God for my every
breath. These are all good things to have come to me in the midst and aftermath of horrific pain. How sad it would be if
we were not compensated in some way for our tragic loss, for life would then truly seem meaningless would it not?
Through the loss of my father and my son, I discovered the randomness of death. Death can hit anyone, anytime,
regardless of genes, the environment, or the best of efforts to stave off the sting of its reality. There is nothing we can do
that can adequately prepare us for a loss of our loved one.
Do I feel sad on Father’s day? You bet I do. Do I celebrate it? Yes I do. I am proud to have been my father’s son for 15
years and proud to have been a father to my son for 9 years. I am proud to be a father for my surviving daughter for 26
years. I am proud to be a grandfather. Everyday is Father’s Day when you find yourself surrounded in love from this
world and from the next. Feel the sadness of your Father’s day; feel the pain, feel, the joy, feel the love that alone
makes it possible to feel the pain. ~ by Mitch Carmody, author of Letters from My Son: A Journey Through Grief
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
MAY/JUNE/JULY 2014
PAGE-7
ANTICIPATING MOTHER’S DAY
Before we lost our children to death,
Mother’s Day was a happy time. We each
reflect back on Mother’s Days past…...gifts,
cards, special memories and one day set
aside to acknowledge the best in our
relationship with our treasured children.
With the death of our child, this dynamic
was forever transfigured. Now, instead of
looking forward to this day, we grasp at anything that will keep our minds
away from it. Yet the anxiety still creeps into our minds and hearts; our
stomachs churn and tears fill our eyes at the most inopportune moments.
The dreadful countdown begins in late April and lasts for nearly three weeks.
This is the eighth Mother’s Day I have endured since the death of my son.
Each year I have the same, desperate anxiety, yet each year the day is a bit
easier to handle. Each year the anticipation is far worse than the day itself….
“borrowing trouble” as my dad would say. Since my son is my only child, I
do not have the comfort of other children nor do I have the need to put on a
happy face. Instead, I am able to choose what I will do without feeling the
burden of guilt.
While my first Mother’s Day was filled with tears, subsequent Mother’s Days
have been more subdued. The choice to embrace or ignore Mother’s Day is
yours alone. Many bereaved mothers adopt a new perspective which honors
their child and still gives normalcy to their family.
Mother’s Day is
bittersweet for us. The pain is part of the love that we will feel for our
children for eternity. We wouldn’t trade one treasured moment for a cosmic
reduction of our pain.
Some of us plan the day carefully. Some of us just “go with the flow.” Some
of us weep; some of us work. Some of us read, some of us revel in this
special moment set aside just for mothers. Each of us makes a choice that is
based on our own truth.
The day itself is not nearly as overwhelming as the buildup of anxiety and
sadness which precedes it. I have found this to be true of all holidays,
birthdays, death anniversaries and special occasions. I am trying to live in
the moment. When the moment of Mother’s Day happens, I will decide what I
should do. I refuse to let others pressure me. I refuse to become maudlin
over greeting card commercials and heart-grabbing point-of-purchase
marketing efforts. I will not be manipulated by the agenda of others.
But on Mother’s Day, as on each day of the year, I will think of my son,
remembering the child he was and the man he became. I will honor his life
by doing the best I can with what is left of my life. I will remain in the
moment and treasure my memories. And for this mother, that is enough.
~Annette Mennen Baldwin, TCF/Katy, TX, in memory of her son, Todd Mennen
Quote from the late Erma Bombeck: “Joy and life abound for millions of
mothers on Mother’s Day. It’s also a day of appreciation and respect. I can
think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a
child back. In the face of misery they ask, “Why me?” but there is no
answer. Maybe they are the instruments that are left behind to perpetuate the
lives that were lost and appreciate the times they had with their children.
They are the ones who pick up the pieces when tragedy occurs and others
have lost their children.”
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
AND YET THIS HAPPENED
TO ME…
I took motherhood so seriously.
I took nothing for granted.
I was always thankful
for what I had.
And yet this happened to me.
I chose to stay with them,
live through their lives closely,
put my own aspirations
on hold 'til they'd grown.
And still, this happened to me.
My life was spent caring
for two lovely daughters
who made my life special
in so many ways.
One day she was living,
alive, well and thriving.
The next she was gone
to a life we can't share.
I'm learning to struggle
through life and the grieving,
to find ways of being
that bring wholeness and peace,
and live with what happened to
me.
HER MOTHER
Despite her death,
I’m still her mother.
Through all my days
This will be.
Now in my life
Where there are shadows,
Her love shines down…
And so I see.
MY FRIEND
You were my friend,
Not my child only.
Your life cut short,
Mine doubly lonely.
You’d share with me
Both tears and laughter;
No more such talks
From here-on-after.
There are great holes
Where you have been,
Just memories now,
of you and then.
~ All poems above were written by
Genesse Boudreau Gentry
MAY/JUNE/JULY 2015
PAGE-8
~EDITOR’S
NOTE: If you have
written an article or poem and
would like it considered for
possible publication in our chapter
newsletter, please send it to me at
[email protected] or
mail to me at the return address
on this newsletter. Writing and journaling can be an
important part of our grief work. The following is by St.
Paul Chapter member, Scott Abell, Lance’s dad.
OH, THIS?
It’s a white rose.
Am I part of the party?
No, no, no.
A brother/sister?
An uncle/aunt?
None of that.
Oh, how many kids do I have?
Let me count…five.
You say you haven’t ever seen them?
That’s not really surprising to me.
For them I never really see much of either.
Now the fifth one, he’s around here someplace!
So your son you said is driving now.
That’s fantastic!
Your daughter loves to dance?
Is that the little four year old twirling around over there
making herself dizzy?
You say she loves to dance by herself that way.
Well, you see,
My son is an excellent driver.
He had mastered his wheelchair by the time he was four.
He can dance circles around any little girl on the dance
floor.
Oh, I’m sorry.
Your son, what’s his name?
Oh that’s correct.
He’s about to be married?
Great. Hope all goes well for him.
Our son was a womanizer.
He broke young girls’ hearts.
He even gave red, red roses to a few.
Even a bigger ring to one gal than her own fiancé.
Oh, yes.
This white rose I’m wearing.
We asked the hosts holding this party if they would buy it
for us.
We said we would come if they did.
See the beauty in how it reflects light.
Notice how sweetly it smells.
See the perfect-ness of its shape.
This represents all the virtues of our last child.
You see our first four children we never met.
They all went to heaven in the first trimester of pregnancy.
That’s why we don’t see them much.
Our last child passed away a few years ago.
We see him a lot in other people and their families.
So, you have to go?
Well, thank you for noticing the white rose.
CEMETERY MOMS
Jessica's Mom found another elephant to perch on Jess'
headstone. She sits on the next grave marker with her
arms wrapped around her knees, rocking and telling the
latest about the court case that plays out her agony in the
local newspaper. It was one year ago that her daughter
innocently hung out with her long-time fiends, boys who
stole a gun they didn't think was loaded. Dads, siblings,
grandparents and friends come too, but today, only
Cemetery Moms are here.
Music comes from Keith's section of Clinton Grove
Cemetery, where Civil War soldiers rest with the county
seat's first settlers, and now our children. Keith's mother
brings a tape player to comfort her while she plants and
prunes and fusses over every leaf and petal. The music he
wrote and performed couldn't drown out the teasing,
bullying and pressure of high school and, she tells us, he
ended his life.
Not far, a different Jessica's mother plants purple-blue
flowers to match her daughter's purple headstone-imported
from Europe-favorite color of
the girl who was expected to
survive heart surgery.
A grave away from my son is
John, who also ended the life
that had overwhelmed him. He
is Jessica-the-elephantcollector's cousin. In four years,
I have never seen John's
mother here. She is the one who discovered her son in the
garage. So we tend John's place, planting and watering
around the statue representing John's pug dog.
My own little Steven lies in this section among the other
young ones. He lost the battle with lifelong medical
problems. I've come to change the poem in the outdoor
frame next to Steven's blue headstone-blue for little boys
and angels. Jessica's mom listens to how Steven "told" me
to buy that little Raspberry Punch rosebush for the
gravesite. (He "blew raspberries" when he was contented,
which I believe he is now.)
We guess at who left some token of love for Jess. There
are no car pools or school activities or passing off outgrown
clothes to occupy our time and our talk. Not even the latest
surgery or teenage crisis. In winter, I come Fridays, and
eat my lunch in my car parked alongside our kids' section.
Jessica's mom says not to worry if I don't get here every
day this summer to water the impatiens; she comes every
day with her sprinkling can. We are the Cemetery Moms.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
~Linda May, TCF, Troy MI
MAY/JUNE/JULY 2014
PAGE-9
GOODBYE
BUTTERFLY
In my dreams you
laugh and play,
In dreams I never
have to question
why,
I had to let you fly away,
Goodbye butterfly,
Your memory is as clear today,
Your beauty none can deny,
Yet we had to let you fly away,
Goodbye butterfly,
Here for just the briefest time,
We’re left with tears in our eyes,
Because we had to let you fly away,
Goodbye butterfly,
Our love just couldn’t hold you,
Believe me we did try,
We had to let you fly away,
Goodbye butterfly,
Fly high my darling Angel child,
Among the clouds, up in the sky,
You had to go, to fly away,
Goodbye butterfly.
~Christine Bevington 2011
THE WAVE
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE?
As long as it takes; that's how long
it takes. It's not about forgetting. It's
about hurting.
And I know that if I am alive twenty
years from now, and I happen to look
at a blue sky with puffy clouds and
think of my son, Fred—and figure how
old he'd be, what he'd be doing and
what his children would be doing—I'll
hurt.
And know that if I can switch my
train of thought from what is not, to
what was, a happy memory, I'll be
able to smile through the tears. We
don't stop hurting, ever. But so many
things occur each day. So many
events and thoughts and happenings
intervene, that
our focus is shifted. The death of our
child changes from the main concern
in our life, to one of many.
A life may stop; but the loving
goes on. To love deeply is to be
vulnerable…for all our days.
~-Richard Leach
South Bay/L.A., CA
in memory of his
grand-children,
Frankie & Vanessa
Castania
The boys and girls of summer,
No longer in our sight
Those sun-kissed happy faces
Now fill our dreams at night.
Long years ago they played and swam
Their laughter echoed along the lake.
Fishing, camping and firelight talks,
Youthful dreams of the life they’d
make.
Those boys and girls of summer,
Now swim on a distant shore.
The memory of their faces,
Bring summer’s joy to the fore.
Boys and girls of another time,
Now crowd the sands at the lake.
Laughing, splashing, in sun and spray,
Unaware of hearts that watch and
ache. ~ Arleen Simmonds
THOUGHTS OF MY BROTHER
~ Joan Schmidt. TCF, Central Jersey
Chapter, NJ
Another holiday without you
Another wedding without you
Another birthday without you
Another graduation without you
Another day without you.
NO STORM LASTS FOREVER
Tidal wave
Heat wave
Sonic wave
Whatever you call it
Here it comes again
We just got past
The first set of waves
Swim fast
Swim strong
Let’s get over the top
We have been hit hard
And sure enough
Here comes another one
No time to rest
Even take a breath
It seems we have
Been caught in a
Rip tide
Tossed, turned and twisted
Upside down
We thought that we
Were ready
For whatever comes our way
Here comes the wave
It’s just another day
THE BOYS &
GIRLS OF
SUMMER
There is a saying: No storm lasts
forever. While grief over the death of
our loved one does indeed, endure
forever- or at least as long as we love
and miss them, the raw, searing pain
of grief--that which takes your breath
and brings you to your knees--ebbs
and flows over time. Eventually,
moments of peace do come.
Eventually, we do find joy again. Our
priorities are clearer. We know, more
deeply, who we wish to be and who
we wish not to be. We appreciate and
cherish the lives of our loved ones
more, and because we've tasted the
most bitter, the sweet- when it comesis ever sweeter. Still, the grief remains
in the stillness between words,
between peace, between moments of
connection with others, between the
sunrise and the sunset. This is the way
of eternal love."
I miss your goofy laugh
I miss your temper tantrums
I miss your bugging me for money
I miss your punches in the arm
But most of all I miss you.
So I will remember
Our good and bad times
And share them with others
So that I can keep you
Alive in my heart.
~ DeAnn Kouse
Louisville, KY
~ Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
MAY/JUNE/JULY 2014
PAGE-10
GRADUATION TIME ONCE AGAIN
Since Trina’s death, we have tried to “stand tall” and
attend the sweet sixteen parties, the graduations, the
weddings of our nieces, nephews and friends’ children, and
to celebrate and take joy in the birth of our friends’
grandchildren. We took heart in knowing that Trina would
have been excited by all these events, because she loved
all of these people. We gathered our strength from knowing
that Trina would have wanted us to share in their
happiness.
Yes, at times there was anxiety beforehand and we shed
tears during the various ceremonies, but always we
managed to “get through” and even enjoy ourselves.
It’s been almost four years since her death. Why then
could we not attend the high school graduation of her class
in June?
Why were we so totally overwhelmed? Desperately, we
tried to steel ourselves to make an appearance. But we
could not. I was even a bit disappointed in myself until our
younger daughter said, “Mom, some things hurt too much.
Why should we give ourselves more pain?”
It occurred to me then, that she had included herself in
that statement. She was telling me she, too, still hurt. So
many times this child has spared us more anguish by
silently bearing the pain and going with us to all these
events.
Then I recalled what I have heard time and time again
from my friends at bereavement support group meetings:
there is no right or wrong. Do what is best for you and your
family. Do what you must to endure.
We bereaved parents learn that each moment is different,
and so our reactions are different as well.
What we are unable to do today, we may
do tomorrow. I realize now that it is not a
sign of weakness – but of strength – to
accept our own limitations.
~Mary Sullivan, TCF, Central CT
FIREWORKS ARE LIKE THE LOVE IN OUR
HEARTS
July brings Central Oregonians lingering blue skies, lazy
afternoons and the Fourth of July celebration, complete
with the grand fireworks finale bolting from the top of Pilot
Butte. This was one of my son's favorite holidays. When he
was six I asked him why fireworks were so special to him.
He said, "The lights explode in the dark and make the
whole sky light up!" That was obvious. I said "Hum?" He
gave me one of his "Oh mom" looks, and then went on to
say "The fireworks are like the love in our hearts, we
should always try to spread our love out to others". I knew
then and I still am aware today that profound wisdom
comes from the lips of our children. From the summer on,
in my mind, fireworks have been a triumphant testament
of love's enduring power and wonder. I miss my son,
Joshua terribly. I comfort myself knowing that his wisdom
and kindness were precious gifts in my life.
Wherever you are on the Fourth of July, I hope that the
splendor of sparkling fireworks might comfort as you
acknowledge that the love you hold dear for your child is
the light that is able to shine through you. We all have
known grief well, yet as compassionate friends we need not
walk alone in the darkness. We can lighten the path for
others.
Grief can cripple and destroy us, but as we gather to share
each other's burden, we are able to gain strength. Love for
our children is our common flame; sharing and caring keep
the flames afire. ~Jane Oja, TCF? Central Oregon Chapter
GRIEF AND VACATION TIME
Vacation time, like holidays, can be especially painful
for bereaved parents. Caught up with normal demands of
making a living or keeping a household going, we have less
time to think than we do on vacations, especially the “take
it easy” kind at a hideaway tucked away somewhere.
In the summers following Tricia’s death, I found vacations
could bring a special kind of pain. We avoided going to
locales where we had vacationed with her at one time. I
thought Williamsburg might be off my list forever since we
had an especially happy holiday there with her and her
younger sister. I tried it one summer three years later and
found that she walked the cobbled streets with me. Now
that nine years have elapsed and the searing pain has
eased, maybe I can let the happy memories we shared in
Williamsburg heighten the pleasure of another visit there.
For the first years after Tricia’s death, we found fastpaced vacations to be best at places we had never been
before. The sheer stimulation of new experiences in new
places with new people refreshed us and sent us home
more ready to pick up our grief work. That is not to say
when we did something or saw something that Tricia would
have particularly enjoyed, we didn’t mention her. We did,
but it seemed less painful than at home. One caution: do
allow enough time for sleep. Otherwise, an exhausted body
will depress you.
Charles and I have found that an occasional separate
vacation (or weekend) is helpful. This, too, is an
opportunity to change our stride and to experience the
world a little differently. One experiment with this may
have stemmed from a re-evaluation of priorities. Life is too
short to miss a trip associated with a special interest. A
writer’s workshop that might bore Charles is no longer off
limits to me, any more than his going alone to a postal
convention. When I go by myself, I take only my
memories, not his and mine, and any response to them is
different. I have often found this helps straighten out my
thinking.
We’ve said it a hundred times: you have to find your
own way, your own peace. Let vacation time be another try
at that, but do give yourself a break in choosing the time
and locale where that can be accomplished. Don’t be afraid
of change; it helps with your re-evaluation of life.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
~Elizabeth Estes, TCF, Augusta, GA
MAY/JUNE/JULY 2014
PAGE-11
The Compassionate Friends/St. Paul Chapter
c/o Cathy Seehuetter
7884 Irish Avenue South
Cottage Grove, MN 55016-2072
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