September 2015 - The Compassionate Friends, Wake County Chapter

September
2015
If this is your first Newsletter
Inside this Issue:
Love Gifts
A Grandparent’s Point of View
Sibling Loss Workshop
2
Message from Executive Director
3
The Final Flight
Things to Avoid with Friends
4
When Suffering Visits
My Child Still Has a Name
There is a Grief
5
Another School Year Begins
Healing Grief Through Laughter
6
TCF’s Transformation
7
TCF’s Transformation (cont’d)
8
TCF Closed Facebook Pages
9
Permission to Laugh
Telephone and E-Mail List
10
Our September Children
11
From the
Ashes of Grief
by Lana Golembeski
If you are receiving this newsletter for the first time, it is because someone has told us it might be helpful for you. We hope it is. We also invite you to our monthly meetings at Hayes Barton Baptist Church. At
these meetings you may talk or choose not to say a word. There are no
fees or dues. We are sorry you have had to experience the death of a
child (or children) but we are here for you. We, too, are on this journey of grief and extend our hearts and arms to you.
Attention: Our TCF meetings are now held in Room 224.
Go left past Information Desk and at end of the long hallway turn right.
Then half way down this hallway take elevator on the right to 2nd floor.
Meeting room is across from the elevator.
The Wake County Chapter meets
every second and fourth Tuesday of
the month at Hayes Barton Baptist
Church, 1800 Glenwood Avenue, at
the corner of Glenwood Avenue
and Whitaker Mill Road at Five
Points in Raleigh. Enter from
Whitaker Mill Road into Main Entrance of the Family Life Center
which is attached to and behind the
church. Ask directions to TCF meeting room at desk just inside the
entrance door.
Tuesday, September 8th — The
meeting will start at 7:30 pm.
Tuesday, September 22nd — The
meeting will start at 7:30 pm.
In the early morning fog of a spring day
The sunlight drifts slowly across the lake
Lifting the dark shadows of night.
The honking geese frolic in the early morning rays of sunshine
While the birds sing of promises yet to come.
Through the dark clouds of grief,
Slivers of sunlight filter down.
The pain and fear residing in my heart
Is starting to give way
To the hope of finding joy once again in my life.
The warmth of the sun flows through my body
And I now feel and see flickers of that joy.
It is but a fleeting moment in my thoughts.
But it fills me with the hope of perhaps
Finding peace once again.
The forever tears cleanse my heart and my pain.
They pave the way for love and laughter once again in my life.
My heart will forever be empty from the loss of my precious child.
But the sparkling sunlight spreads light around that hole in my heart.
Gentle healing is beginning; springing anew from the ashes of grief.
Lovingly Lifted from TCF We Need Not Walk Alone, Spring/Summer 2015
IN MEMORY
SEPTEMBER LOVE GIFTS
Gifts Given In Loving Memory Of Children
Merle and Mimi Bauer
In loving memory of our daughter
Heidi Lynn Bauer
Please send Love Gifts to: Love Gifts—Wake County Chapter, The Compassionate Friends, P. O. Box 6602,
Raleigh, NC 27628-6602; and please send pictures and articles to be published in the newsletter to
Pattie Griffin, e-mail [email protected] and phone # 919-829-1982.
Where are the pictures and stories for the newsletter???
A Grandparent’s Point of View
The death of a child is the most tragic thing that can happen to anyone. It affects so many lives—
family, friends, and even strangers.
I lost my grandchild through death, and only a grandparent can understand the love a grandparent
has for a grandchild and the loss that is felt when the child dies. For a grandparent, it is a double
loss. Not only is your grandchild gone, but you also watch your child die each day. The smile that was
always on her face is no longer there. The hurt is so deep and the questions so many. You feel helpless as a parent. You can’t kiss the hurt away as you did when she was a child. You have no answers
for the questions for you don’t understand the many feelings that you are experiencing yourself. Each
day you hope and pray for a little ray of sunshine to show on her face.
You search for a little something to say or do that will comfort her. It
seems there is no end to the suffering.
As time slowly goes by, the healing process begins. In time, a ray of
hope will show on her face and a smile will make her eyes light up
again. She will turn to you for what little comfort you can give her.
There will always be a part of you that is gone, but in time you can
learn to live with the part that is still there.
—Ruth Easton, Savannah, GA
Don’t Forget: Registration Deadline is Friday, September 4
Sibling Loss Workshop
For children and teens (ages 5-14)
who are grieving
the death of a sibling
Thursday, September 10, 2015
6-7:30 pm
Transitions GriefCare
250 Hospice Circle
Raleigh, NC 27607
919-719-7199
www.transitionslifecare.org/grief
Registration Deadline is Friday, September 4
This workshop is specifically for children and teens (ages 5-14)
who have experienced the death of a sibling. This workshop
will offer children and teens the time to connect with others
who understand sibling loss, share about their loss and about
their sibling (if desired), and learn more about the special grief
feelings and reactions that come with the death of a sibling.
Children will be divided into groups by age, as appropriate. The
workshop will incorporate expressive arts, information on grief
and coping, and group activities. No artistic skill or talent
needed. Snacks will be offered from 5:45-6pm.
Participants are invited to bring a photo and/or special mementos of their deceased sibling(s). All items will be returned at the
end of the workshop.
2
A Message from the Executive Director
Some of my favorite quotes come from author Rita Mae Brown. She coined the clever phrase, "I
think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself." My favorite quote is,
"Happiness is pretty simple: someone to love, something to do, something to look forward to." This
quote means so much to me because it relates so well to our lives before and after the death of
someone we love.
Most grieving parents, grandparents and siblings talk about their lives in terms of before or since their loved
one died. Those who are new in their grief commonly express that their loss has taken away their someone to
love, their something to do and their something to look forward to. I was one of those people after my daughter Ashley died in August of 2001. Like many of you reading this I could never imagine how life could be good again or how I
could possibly recapture any of those three important components to happiness.
The Compassionate Friends and the support of others walking this journey have helped me and tens of thousands of
others discover that there is hope and there can be happiness once again after a deep loss. The journey is long and takes
a lot of hard work but our organization is effective because it helps us address and reclaim each one of these three elements of happiness.
One of the first things we learn from each other is the love for our children, grandchildren and siblings did not die
when they died. We can continue to express that love by saying their name, telling our love story, reaching out to others and honoring their lives by living ours. Together we learn to hold on tightly to the love while supporting each
other in letting go of some of the pain. Our shared experiences and memories of our children give us the courage to
stop saying "I had," but rather, "I have." The Compassionate Friends has helped me boldly proclaim that I have a
daughter Ashley, and I love her very much.
When we continue to fully express the deep love, it opens doors for us to have something to do. Grief is often misunderstood in that many people view it as something that we merely feel. In truth, those of us who have walked
this path for very long understand that grief is actually something very important that we do. Grief is a process, it
requires action. Of course we feel it, we also breathe it. Grief and what we do with it is a fuel which can propel us
into actions which help us take positive steps forward. Look around any TCF chapter and you will see those who
are busy doing. TCF members are advocates for causes dear to them and they serve as volunteers at all levels in a
wide variety of organizations. Our members share their talents as organizers, leaders, creators of art, crafts, and
writings. Our TCF family is filled with huggers, listeners and ambassadors of love and compassion for others
which makes our world a better place.
Perhaps the most difficult component for some of us to obtain is something to look forward to. We were looking forward to
witnessing their lives as they watched us grow old. What is left for us to look forward to now? Our credo says it well when
it states that "some of us find hope in our faith," which makes us look forward to seeing our loved ones again one day.
Some of us have difficulty embracing faith yet find hope and look forward to the discovery of gifts left behind by our loved
ones. The outside world must think many of us are crazy for looking for signs anywhere which connect us to our children,
grandchildren and siblings.
There is also something quite amazing and transformational that I see every day which also gives many of us something
to look forward to. We discover that our loss and the grief we have experienced has brought a new set of priorities, values, opportunities and friendships into our lives. We find a deeper understanding of how fragile life is and how important
relationships are.
We Need Not Walk Alone magazine is all about hope. Hope is difficult to comprehend when the pain is so great that
taking the next breath seems like a monumental challenge. If you are new in your grief, please understand that those
of us who have found our way were once where you are. Lean on us, trust in the process of fully grieving your loss
with the comfort and support of others who have walked through our doors feeling hopeless and helpless but who now
can be there for you. I hope this issue of the magazine is inspiring and touches your heart. I will leave you with one
final quote by Rita Mae Brown, "Loving is pretty easy, it's letting someone love you that's hard."
Blessings,
Alan
Alan Pedersen, TCF Executive Director
Lovingly Lifted from TCF We Need Not Walk Alone, Spring/Summer 2015
When our special sadness comes to call — when we remember more than we can bear.
When courage falters — shadows everywhere:
Then let us reach and touch and share — We, who are friends.
~ Author Unknown ~
3
As you interact with friends, here are
some important things to avoid:
1. Avoid saying "I'm okay" or "I'm fine." If
this is not true, it will impair their ability to
care for you. If it is true, give them more
information about what is going better so
they can join in your encouragement.
2. Don't feel like your answers have to be a
little better every time you see them.
Change doesn't occur on an uninterrupted
incline. Don't give in to the temptation of
thinking you're going to disappoint them if
you admit you're not doing as well as you
were last time.
THE FINAL FLIGHT
To fly, what excitement it brings!
3. Pray honestly; not "spiritually." Prayer is
an easy time to become fake and cliché. It
can be refreshing and strengthening to
pray honest prayers to God. That is what a
large number of the Psalms are—honest,
public prayers during seasons of suffering.
To control the wheel and panel
Flying into the setting sun,
Through stormy cloud,
And back home again.
4. Avoid those who think they can cheer you
up. The journey through grief is about
more than being happy again. If that is
someone's primary focus at this stage,
then they are likely not the best companion
for this journey.
Letting go of the earth
And it’s hold on you.
Gravity has no power
Over God-made or man-made wings.
Loving to soar
Above everything that held you captive,
Looking at the world, and saying,
“No more will you have me!”
5. Don't hurry yourself. Structure so that you
have an idea of what is "next" but it contains no pacing guide. Trying to measure
the process is most often counterproductive. If you "gave yourself" two
months to grieve, how would you know if
you were half way there in one month?
Chances are, pace would become a distraction from the process.
Love for the freedom to fly into eternity….
If only we could
Make the flight, too.
Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope
by Nancy Yates, TCF Augusta GA
Brad Hambrick, M.Div. Th.M
(In cherished memory of her cousin & friend Steve Evans)
When my daughter Kellie died I felt like I was dying too—the pain and emptiness paralyzed me.
Eventually another mom found and took me to Children’s Hospital grief group. I felt like I wasn’t
alone. The problem was within two years everyone from when I joined was ready to move on.
Move on—what is that? It was a big disappointment even though some of us stayed in touch.
But I had my son, family and friends and I just tried to get through each day.
Then Mitchell died from a brain aneurism. There are no words. My lifesaver has been Compassionate Friends. I felt like I was the only person that ever had a multiple loss. I found that many others
had too. I always knew that there were people there for me and they would never go away—ever!
Over the years I have given workshops and panels at Compassionate Friends Conferences and try
to share my pain, hope and love with others.
Joannie Kemling, Kelly & Mitchell’s grateful mom
St. Paul Chapter, St. Paul, Minnesota
Lovingly Lifted from TCF We Need Not Walk Alone, Spring/Summer 2015
4
When Suffering Visits
by Steve Goodier
We are changed, sometimes in unexpected ways,
by the problems of life.
One of Canada's most famous physicians was
Dr. William Oster. Many stories are told of this beloved doctor, but one of the most revealing comes
from World War I.
Friends recalled the day when Oster was working
in one of Britain's military hospitals during the war.
He was called out of the wards during his daily rounds
to be given an important message; his own son had
been killed on the fields of France.
My Child Still Has a Name !!!
People don't know what to say … they apologize for
bringing up your child's name. Or, even worse, they just
never mention his or her name or them at all.
I am angry that it seems my family and friends want
to bury Chris's name and all of the wonderful memories
of him in the cemetery with his bodily remains. I want to
shout, "Hey! Chris is still my son! He is alive in my heart
and my head. I want to hear his name. I want to talk
about him, and if, while we're talking, I cry, it's OK. But,
please talk about him with me. Affirm his life. Speak his
name."
I understand that those who haven't lost their child
and who care about me just don't get it! They think talking about Chris hurts me. They just want to avoid anything they deem uncomfortable to talk about. Thank
goodness I have TCF … a place to hear his name, to talk
about him, to affirm his life!
How does it make you feel to hear your child's
name? How does it make you feel when the outside
world wants to apologize for speaking that wonderful
name, or, worse yet, avoids the subject of your child
completely?
Let's hear it for the names of our children! Come out
this month and let's talk about our children and say
their names as often as we please in a safe place to do
just that. Hope to see you soon!
Stunned by the news, he still came back to pick
up his rounds. For a long period afterward he was
noticeably different. And those who knew him best
said that he changed as a physician that day. The
cheerful note was gone from his voice and never
again did friends hear the tune which he so often
whistled as he went from ward to ward.
Though these things never returned, something
eventually came to take their place. Everyone noticed
a new compassion in his care of the soldiers who each
day streamed in from the battlefield. Before, he had
the professional concern of the physician, so important
to the practice of medicine; now there was an added
discernible note of a personal compassion, like that of
a father for his son....
Like most people who have experienced such
losses, Oster must have spent considerable time in
grief. But as he healed and integrated the loss into
his life, it left him a different person.
Pain will do that. It changes us, often in unexpected ways. It can leave us angry and broken, or,
as in the case of Oster, it can bring forth qualities
such as compassion or tenderness. It is as if the
physician channeled his pain into energy and love
for others, caring for them as he would care for his
own child.
In "Christian's" love,
Tony Stagliano
Helen Keller, who found a way to thrive though
she went through life both sightless and deaf, knew
plenty about suffering. She wisely said, "The struggle of life is one of our greatest blessings. It makes
us patient, sensitive, and Godlike. It teaches us
that although the world is full of suffering, it is also
full of the overcoming of it."
There Is A Grief
There is a grief that ages the face
And hardens the heart
Yet softens the spirit…
A grief that casts shadows on the eyes
Yet broadens the mind…
A grief that keeps the pain and has no words
But increases the understanding…
There is a grief that breaks the heart
And wounds the soul,
That lasts and lasts
and can shatter in a minute
But will inspire for a lifetime.
Yes, the world is full of suffering. We can't avoid it
no matter how hard we try. But it is also full of examples of people, like you and me, getting through it.
Those who overcome great challenges will be
changed, and often in unexpected ways. For our
struggles enter our lives as unwelcome guests, but
they bring valuable gifts. And once the pain subsides,
the gifts remain.
These gifts are life's true treasures, bought at
great price, but cannot be acquired in any other way.
~Author Unknown~
5
Another School Year Begins
Written by Elizabeth Brady
on Tuesday, August 19, 2014
We hosted a college graduation party at our house
for our nephew last weekend. My husband’s family
was
here,
including
our
95-year-old
greatgrandmother, all four grandparents in various levels
of physical health. This made five generations gathered to hear my brother-in-law speak of his three
children, who have now all graduated from college,
and we toasted their accomplishments.
I sat on the porch with my beautiful daughter Izzy,
16, listening to the toasts and thinking that it won’t
be too long before she is graduating high school and
heading to college. But our sweet Mack, who died
suddenly of sepsis on New Year’s Eve 2012, was not
there. Mack, hilariously funny, silly, and determined,
just two weeks shy of his 9th birthday when he died,
is always missed.
It is a real tension, and one that those of us who
are bereaved understand. We are keen to celebrate
the joys of life with family and friends — we are all
allowed to live! But I have grown another eye that
senses another space and time. It is with Mack, in the
eternal.
As I prepared the flowers and the buffet table,
filled the pitcher with ice cubes, I could sense Mack’s
presence. He loved when we entertained. I recalled a
sentiment written by Martha Whitmore Hickman, who
lost her daughter to sudden death in a horseback riding accident. “Keep your spirit open” to your beloved,
she wrote. Whitman’s book, Healing After Loss, is a
daily meditational book that I carry in my purse. The
cover has ripped off, the pages are dirty, tearstained, and full of notes, but I come back to it for a
little courage everyday, throughout the day.
I felt Mack’s joy and smiled through my tears remembering how he skipped around the house, complained about having to dress up, filled up bowls of
Fritos and munched on the extras, and would huff
that lighting candles was still the realm of his big sister. I laughed out loud at one point remembering
when he told me guests would be “personally offended” if I served them stuffed grape leaves for appetizers. “I miss you,” I whispered out loud to him. “I
love you, Mackie.”
Once the last guest left, I was exhausted and had
to rest on my bed. My daughter curled up next to me
reading funny stories from Buzzfeed. I chuckled to
encourage her to read more, but I really just like the
sound of her voice.
As Facebook posts fill up again with photos of the
first day of the new school year, it is easy for each
post to be a poignant reminder that there are no new
photos of Mack. Every milestone is an opportunity for
self-pity. After I have shed some tears, I have to take
the emotional reins back, log off from Facebook for a
few days, and center myself again.
Open to Hope August 2015 Newsletter
6
Healing Grief Through Laughter
Interview of Christa Scalies
on Monday, August 10, 2015
Christa Scalies is interviewed by Drs. Gloria and
Heidi Horsley during this special episode of The
Open to Hope Radio show. Scalies lost two
friends to suicide, which is the foundation for
her book Suicide Sucks, available to download
for free. In her book, Scalies outlines ten steps
to help with holistic recovery after losing a
loved one to suicide, including mental, spiritual
and physical nurturing. Scalies is adamant that
learning to laugh once again is paramount, but
that’s an occurrence that can make survivors
feel guilty. She established the website GiggleOn to help others recover from their grief.
She uses humor and laughter to transcend guilt
and “what if’s.” Sadly, Scalies notes that the
man who encouraged her to start the site, and
gave her the name, later killed himself—
following in the footsteps of Scalies other friend
who took his own life. Gloria asks Scalies for
key advice on helping to cope with losing someone to suicide, and Scalies says “There has
been no death that has ripped my heart out…
like a death by suicide,” she says.
Doing the Best You Can
It’s difficult to accept that you’ve done everything you can and say “this is not my fault,” but
the person who committed suicide made their
own choice. It’s critical to separate yourself
from any feelings of guilt, she says. “Don’t live
in the past with that pain,” instead start looking
forward to joy and hope. “It’s horrible, and I’m
so sorry,” she says, but you have to find the
ability to move forward.
She suggests connecting yourself to nature,
which can help battle negative energies. She’s
also a big supporter of working out if possible.
Grief can kill, making people physically ill—but
sometimes light exercise can help stave off
these risks. Download Scalies book for more
tips and to get on a better track to healing.
Open to Hope August 2015 Newsletter
TCF's
Transformation:
As these caring strangers described their individual survival
paths, an amazing bond formed. Stu
Schippereit never anticipated his
parking lot rescue would drastically
change our lives. Kathy and I began
attending meetings at every chapter
within reasonable driving distance.
Each time we were amazed by the
sheer compassion we received.
From Giving Up to Giving Back
by Chuck Collins
Tiffanie Amber
I have been honored to serve as
President of The Compassionate
Friends' National Board of Directors.
After six years of service, I now
leave this all-volunteer board confident in our leadership's commitment
to expand TCF's outreach to grieving
families nationwide. Every dedicated
board member I have been privileged to serve with understands the
agony of grief, having suffered
heartbreaking losses of their own
precious children and/or siblings or
grandchildren. Each year Chapter
Leaders, delegates, and Regional
Coordinators across the country
elect board members from a slate of
approved candidates. Any bereaved
parent, sibling and/or grandparent is
eligible for consideration as a candidate in board elections. This process
ensures TCF's leadership has a constant infusion of creative ideas and
fresh perspectives.
It seems like yesterday when our
beautiful nineteen-year-old daughter, Tiffanie Amber, died of bacterial
meningitis. Having just finished her
exams, she looked forward to her
junior year challenges at Clemson
University. Tiffanie loved her family,
friends, and was excited about her
future. After graduation, she hoped
to continue her studies with aspirations of becoming an occupational
therapist. As a newly licensed aerobics instructor, Tiffanie kept herself
in great physical condition. She
never hesitated to lecture her father
about my poor eating habits. Like so
many TCF families we've met over
the years, our hopes and dreams for
our daughter were limitless.
Those dreams were crushed over
one torturous weekend. Prior to
leaving campus, Tiffanie was treated
at the school clinic for a sore throat.
She seemed vibrant and healthy after arriving home, but the next
morning Tiffanie began experiencing
flu-like symptoms. She was taken to
a local hospital and admitted into
the Intensive Care Unit. Tiffanie's
inexplicable death two days later
from bacterial meningitis left our
family shocked, devastated, and
emotionally suffocating. It seemed
impossible to imagine our lives or
our family without Tiffanie. As my
wife, Kathy, searched for ways to
comfort our young sons, David and
Christopher, she grew increasingly
depressed and withdrawn. While I
did my best to comfort my family,
privately I struggled with persistent
thoughts of suicide. Logical thinking
offers little deterrence when dying
seems preferable to living with such
intense anguish.
After being referred to a local
Compassionate Friends chapter,
Kathy expressed a sudden willingness to venture away from the isolation of our home for a meeting. My
long police career shaped many of
my attitudes, especially the view
that "cops don't do support groups."
No matter how traumatic a police
officer's experiences, my generation
of law enforcement was taught to
"just suck it up!"
Kathy and I soon found ourselves
in a church parking lot discussing
whether "she" could attend a TCF
meeting alone. Suddenly a young
man knocked on my car window inquiring, "Are you here for the Compassionate Friends meeting?" When
I reluctantly acknowledged we were,
Stu Schippereit, the Chapter Coleader, introduced himself and
coaxed us into the building. Inside
we were met by his wife, Marianne,
and a group of caring people who
understood our pain and openly
shared their heartbreaking experiences. I was struck by the realization these parents had also suffered
the tragic deaths of their children.
Yet somehow they had managed to
survive. They discussed many issues
Kathy and I were struggling to comprehend. We asked one question so
often posed by newly grieving parents: "Does it ever get any better?"
Their answer was an unequivocal
"Yes!"
7
Those early TCF meetings gradually helped us to rediscover hope in
our lives. We began to understand
that while we will never "get over"
Tiffanie's death, we could learn to
better manage our grief. We slowly
grew stronger in the months and
years that followed, thanks to emotional support from so many people.
We began trying to pay that compassion forward by attending meetings to support other struggling
families. Each time we comforted
another devastated family, we felt
closer to our daughter.
Five years after Tiffanie's death,
when a local TCF Chapter was near
closure, Kathy and I joined Mary
Ann Noble (Sean Stephen's Mom) to
become Chapter Co-leaders. We attended special workshops at the National Conference to prepare ourselves. When our first TCF meeting
attracted only one person, we intensified our efforts to publicize the
chapter. Our meeting size gradually
increased along with our male participation. Whenever we brewed coffee, worked on a newsletter or performed a variety of other Chapterrelated responsibilities, we discovered what every good Chapter
Leader knows. These tasks are small
acts of love dedicated to families
struggling after the loss of their children, siblings or grandchildren.
TCF Chapters are the backbone of
this organization. While every Chapter-related responsibility is important, three are especially critical.
The first is having someone reliable
answering or promptly returning
phone calls. Whoever handles those
initial inquiries must communicate
hope and reassurance in his or her
voice or callers may lose hope the
meetings will help them.
Equally important are the volunteers positioned just inside each
meeting room welcoming newly bereaved attendees. It takes a combination of desperation and courage
for a grieving parent, sibling or
grandparent to walk into their first
TCF meeting. Whether they stay or
leave may be influenced by how
they are received once inside.
(continued on next page)
(continued from page 7)
Lastly, it is crucial to have trained
meeting facilitators, who ensure participants are given an opportunity to
share their feelings, if and when
they feel able to do so. Most Chapter
Leaders perform some or all of these
duties, at least initially. Kathy, Mary
Ann, and I strived to become proficient in all of them.
One year after becoming a Chapter Co-leader, I volunteered as an
internet chat moderator in TCF's
Online Support Community. After
some training, I was paired with
Nicole Rinehart of Warner Robins,
Georgia. Nicole was a vibrant Chapter Leader who volunteered in memory of her beloved nine-month-old
son Chase Preston Rinehart. We
worked together on Monday nights
for over four years to create a meeting-like experience for chatroom
visitors. These heartbroken people
often had limited opportunities to
attend an actual TCF meeting. Nicole
and I hope we comforted as many
people online, as those who touched
our hearts along the way. It was a
wonderful, challenging, and emotional experience.
By 2006, Mary Ann had relocated
to Texas and started another Chapter. Our meeting attendance had
increased to 35-40 people each
month and our finances had improved, due mostly to Kathy's fundraising efforts. We then attended a
Chapter Leadership Training Program, where we were advised that
five years is a critical point in managing a Chapter. The concern was
that after five years, the membership begins to identify the Chapter
personally with the individual leader.
Since this can deter potential future
leaders from stepping forward, it
was recommended that five years
was a good time to transition new
leadership into a chapter. To this
day, I question the wisdom of this
advice, but I relied on it nonetheless. I immediately stepped down as
chapter co-leader, while Kathy remained to assist as two volunteers
assumed leadership roles.
We were surprised when invited
to become Regional Coordinators for
twenty Chapters in Virginia and the
District of Columbia. Working with
other Chapter Leaders to resolve a
variety of issues proved to be a particularly rewarding experience. In
that role, Regional Coordinators
have the opportunity to witness as
their dedicated Chapter Leaders
touch the hearts of bereaved people
in their communities.
Grieving families honor their
loved ones in a multitude of meaningful ways including planting trees,
creating foundations or participating
in TCF events. There is no greater
example of this than TCF Executive
Director Alan Pedersen. After the
death of his beautiful daughter Ashley Marie, Alan sought comfort from
a TCF Chapter in Littleton, Colorado.
As a singer and songwriter, Alan began creating heartfelt lyrics capturing the pain and emotions of losing a
child. Over the next decade, he personally visited over 300 TCF Chapters and other grief organizations
bringing his message of love, hope,
and survival to families across the
country. Alan honored his beloved
Ashley and the loved ones of every
family he met along the way.
I vividly remember the absolute
horror of the early days after Tiffanie's death. This fueled my obsession to find some way to comfort
struggling families during the worst
times of their lives when desperation
and hopelessness can seem overwhelming. I began drafting a survival guide to prepare grieving parents for the challenges they will
face. My experience as a Chapter Co
-leader, chat moderator, and Regional Coordinator provided keen
insights into many issues facing
newly bereaved families. In 2009, I
published Holding Onto Love:
Searching for Hope When a Child
Dies with all profits to be donated to
TCF. If I eventually sold a few
books, I hoped to raise a few hundred dollars for TCF in the process.
To my surprise, nearly eight hundred
copies have been sold, raising more
than three thousand dollars for TCF.
As Tiffanie used to say, "Go figure!"
In 2009, I was elected to serve as
a member of TCF National Board of
Directors. Kathy and I also agreed to
chair the 2010 National Conference
in Arlington, Virginia. We were
blessed to have a group of dedicated
volunteers sharing our commitment
to create a safe, healing experience
for the 1,350 people who would attend. The relationships formed during that planning process will last a
lifetime. In 2012, I was reelected for
a second board term culminating last
July, when I became president.
Over the years, The Compassionate Friends has helped my family in
many ways. In over 690 communities across this nation, dedicated
Chapter Leaders and steering committee members volunteer their
time, energy, and resources to comfort grieving families. Like police officers and firefighters, our Chapter
Leaders really do save lives. I remember one in Virginia who definitely saved mine!
I have held many titles during my
nineteen years in TCF, but the most
important one is "Tiffanie's Dad."
That cherished relationship drove me
to get involved in this organization.
It motivates me each day to do
something ensuring our daughter is
remembered. Bereaved families often worry their loved ones will be
forgotten. Throughout the year, TCF
provides many opportunities at the
local, regional, and national level to
honor our loved ones. Whether we
are setting up meeting chairs or
sponsoring a conference workshop,
everything we do to support our
Compassionate Friends families honors our own loved ones as well.
A few years ago I spotted a man
in an amusement park wearing a tee
shirt bearing photos of two teenage
girls. The caption read, "My two
beautiful angels." I immediately approached and assured him they were
beautiful. I then inquired, "Are they
really angels?" He openly shared the
tragic deaths of his beloved daughters in a car accident a few years
earlier. He had attended TCF meetings for emotional support. We were
surrounded by people laughing and
having a great time, oblivious to two
bereaved fathers standing on a corner. Although we were strangers, a
special bond formed as we openly
shared the heartaches and joys of
our daughters' lives. We were just
two members of this amazing Compassionate Friends family ensuring
that neither of us had to grieve
alone that afternoon.
An amazing transformation often
happens as part of the TCF experience. Instead of attending support
group meetings to help themselves,
our members keep coming back to
comfort others. After Tiffanie's
death, Kathy and I considered TCF a
"place" we went for help in desperation. In the years that followed,
"compassionate friends" became an
integral part of who we are. When
that happens, the meaning of
"compassionate friends" goes beyond meetings, conferences, or
walks. Rather, it affects how we live
our lives comforting other grieving
families. That really is the miracle of
The Compassionate Friends.
Lovingly Lifted from TCF We Need Not Walk Alone, Spring/Summer 2015
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TCF Closed Facebook Pages:
An Extra Level of Support and Understanding for Our Bereaved Families
by Cathy Seehuetter
When it came to connecting to
the Facebook world, I was a late
bloomer. While Facebook was all
the rage and others raved about
how they found old friends, great
new recipes, and shared photos
with family from afar, I just wasn't that interested. However, one
day I was looking over my son-inlaw's shoulder as he perused his
Facebook page and saw the
shared photos from one of his
Facebook friends who lived on the
other side of the country. The
ability to keep in contact with my
friends from all over the USA was
very appealing to me, especially
those I had met while attending
The Compassionate Friends (TCF)
National Conferences throughout
the years; friends that I only saw
each summer at the next conference. Suddenly, it was very appealing. My son-in-law put a Facebook page together for me and I
haven't looked back!
The advent of Facebook opened
new doors for organizations such
as The Compassionate Friends,
giving them an extraordinary opportunity to be able to reach out
in new ways to bereaved parents,
siblings and grandparents through
the convenience and speed of the
Internet. It is particularly advantageous for bereaved families who
live too far from a TCF chapter
meeting site and therefore had
little to no communication with
other bereaved parents, siblings
or grandparents. Through TCF/
USA Facebook page, bereaved
families could connect with others
who truly understood this most
difficult journey; one that only
another grieving heart could understand. They now had empathetic friends 24/7 to bring comfort, understanding, support and
hope with the knowledge that
they do not walk alone. As Barbara Reboratti, a TCF Facebook
group moderator stated, "In the
darkness of grief, no matter day
or night, there is always someone
listening, sharing and caring."
Our first closed Facebook
group, Loss to Substance Related
Causes, began in August of 2014.
Closed Facebook groups differ
from the main TCF/USA open
page (which presently has over
154,000 "friends") since you must
request to join the group. From
there, the moderator of that group
will ask that person a few simple
questions, and then approve them
if they qualify for that particular
closed group. Once they are a
member of a closed Facebook
group, only they and the other
approved members of that closed
group can see the contents of
what is responded to, posted and
shared. What seems particularly
important to the closed Facebook
members is that if someone is an
approved member of a closed
Facebook group, the Facebook
friends from their personal page
cannot view or read anything that
they have posted in that closed
group. This makes the group virtually private and thereby making
them feel freer and more comfortable to share what is on their
minds.
One of TCF closed group moderators, Kathleen Willoughby,
said, "I think the closed Facebook
groups have brought together
people sharing a loss who would
never in a million years meet in
person. We have members from
all over the USA and several different countries. We often don't
seem to have much in common,
but we all speak a common language and a genuine compassion
for each other. We share photos
and stories of our loved ones; we
share hard days and hard-won
smiles. Members come to the site
daily for support and inspiration?'
TCF presently has 13 closed
Facebook groups which include
child, sibling and grandchild loss
and varying causes of death such
as Loss to Suicide, Loss to Homicide, Grandchild Loss, Sounds of
the Siblings (bereaved siblings),
Infant and Toddler Loss, Loss to
Miscarriage and Stillbirth, Loss to
Cancer, Loss to Drunk/Impaired
Driver, Loss to Substance Related
Causes, Sibling-Loss to Substance
Related Causes, Only Child/All of
Your Children, Regional Coordinators and Chapter Leadership.
It is particularly helpful to be a
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part of a group that shares the
same relationship with the child
that died, such as the death of a
grandchild. Betty Farrel, one of
the moderators of the Grandchild
Loss closed group, shares,
"Grandparents are very appreciative of a closed group where other
grandparents can respond to their
concerns because grandparent's
grief is unique; they are grieving
for their grandchild and hurting
for their child, and feel helpless."
To which, Jeanne Hale, another
moderator of that same group,
adds, "The grandparents group
gives them a chance to express
their feelings without having to
worry about how what they are
saying affects their children."
The following comment came
from a bereaved mom: "Being a
part of the closed group, TCF—
Loss to Suicide, has helped me in
so many ways. I am able to talk
about my child and the tragic circumstances of his death without
judgment or any stigma attached
because they all have gone
through this much maligned cause
of death. They truly understand
my intense pain and sorrow, the
shock and the constant ‘whys’,
and offer me comfort and support.
It is a safe haven where these
people, who are now my dear
friends, are all in this together.
And I believe that many of the
friendships I have made from being a part of this closed TCF Facebook group—though I may never
meet them in person—will continue to be my cherished friends
for many years to come."
We are extremely pleased to
bring our members of The Compassionate Friends another means
to connect with other bereaved
families around the country (and
sometimes the world) in order to
give support and bring hope to
each other through the digital
world of Facebook. The link to the
most current TCF closed groups is
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/
F i n d _S u p p o rt / On l i n e -C o m mu n i ty /
Closed_Facebook_Groups.aspx and we
look forward to continuing to develop new closed Facebook groups
in the coming weeks.
Lovingly Lifted from TCF We Need Not Walk Alone,
Spring/Summer 2015
PERMISSION TO LAUGH
After our son died, I was able to cry and get my sorrow and heart-wrenching feelings out from inside of
myself. What I couldn't do was to laugh and not feel "pangs of guilt". I thought, how can I laugh again—my
child cannot laugh anymore!? I'll never hear his one-of-a-kind laugh again on this earth. My son will, somewhere, think I do not love him. Others will think I don't love him. Many reasons ran through my mind each
time a small laugh could come out.
Into my second year of grief, I was sitting at a banquet at our National Conference. A bereaved father
was our speaker for the evening. In his message to us that first evening, he said, "I give you permission
to laugh" in referring to our weekend and beyond that time. There it was—someone out of love and
their own grief, gave me permission. It has stuck with me to this day. It was as if our son had given me
that right to laugh again, because he was such a humorist as a little boy. So, I pass this on to you for all
our children who have died. We "give you permission to laugh".
In loving memory of Donald L. Trimmer
by his mother, Linda Trimmer
Friends Supporting Friends — Telephone and E-Mail Contact List
Betsy Allen, 18 year old daughter, fire suffocation ........................... [email protected] ................. 919-981-0767
Kati Bourque, 2 day old daughter, diaphragmatic hernia ................... [email protected] ......... 919-637-9544
and 38 year old brother, heart attack ........................ [email protected] ......... 919-637-9544
Debbie & Steve Brady, 31 yr old son, accidental prescription drug toxicity .. [email protected] .............................. 919-441-0967
Kathleen Breland, 17 year old son, suicide ..................................... [email protected] ..................... 919-463-9409
Mechelle Champion, 1 month old son, congenital heart failure ........... [email protected] .................... 919-753-7511
Mary Lou Clarkson, 21 year old son, leukemia................................. ..................................................... 919-501-7769
Elise Cope, 15 year old son, auto accident ...................................... [email protected]................................ 919-656-5005
Rebecca Creech, 14 day old daughter, heart defect.......................... [email protected] ............... 919-803-5889
Chris Crosier, 25 year old son, motorcycle accident ......................... [email protected] ........................ 440-223-1765
Teresa Cyr, 24 year old son, complications from drug overdose ......... [email protected] ....................... 919-215-2641
Kimberly Edens, 16 year old daughter, auto accident ....................... [email protected] ................... 919-971-6975
LaTonya Ellis, 18 year old daughter, sickle cell anemia ..................... [email protected] ................. 919-706-2348
Cate Forrester, 21 year old son, undiagnosed heart defect ................ [email protected] ................... 919-621-9666
Susan Gray, 27 year old daughter, auto accident ............................ [email protected] ...................... 919-757-1664
Mary Chris Griffin, 44 year old son, heart disease ............................ [email protected] .................... 919-552-4440
Diane Haddon, 26 year old daughter, metastatic melanoma .............. [email protected]........................ 919-363-9721
Nan Hamilton, 5 year old daughter, accident .................................. ..................................................... 919-605-5557
Diane and Robert Harkness, 47 year old daughter, cancer ................ [email protected] ............. 919-803-1134
Sosan Harlan, 30 year old son, drug overdose ................................ [email protected] ...................... 508-789-0839
Becky Hart, 16 year old son, auto accident ..................................... [email protected]
Denise Johnson, 18 year old daughter, suicide ................................ [email protected] ............. 919-815-5501
D. Marie Jones, 13 year old son, struck by hit & run driver ............... [email protected] ........................... 919-218-0754
Cathy Joostema, 28 year old son, stroke ........................................ [email protected] ................... 919-341-8434
Christi (Cathy’s daughter) 28 year old brother, stroke ................. [email protected] .......... 919-880-8135
Gloria Jusino, 28 year old son, heart attack .................................... [email protected] ....................... 919-208-7360
Ellen King, infant son .................................................................. [email protected] ................ 919-740-8799
Debra Lamberis, 25 year old son, drug overdose ............................. [email protected] .................... 919-693-9922
Mara Lewis, 15 year old son, osteosarcoma .................................... [email protected] ....................... 919-655-5659
Cindy McLeod, 23 year old son, blunt force trauma .......................... [email protected] ................. 330-926-7771
Sue Mellott, 21 year old son, suicide ............................................. [email protected] .....................
Jen Menard, 4 year old daughter, genetic illness ............................. [email protected] ................... 919-610-6781
Malissa Obonyo, 18 year old son, murder ....................................... [email protected] ...................... 919-798-2831
Charlene Peacock, 22 year old son, congenital heart tumor ............... [email protected] ........................ 919-706-9176
Faira Pearce, 3.5 month old son, pneumonia .................................. [email protected] ..................... 919-427-7169
Ora Riggs, 30 year old son, primary brain tumor ............................. [email protected] ....................... 919-274-2769
Ann Riddick, 33 year old daughter................................................. [email protected] ..................... 252-939-0295
Cori Rochford, 20 day old son, kidney failure .................................. [email protected]................... 919-701-5066
Ron & Cindy Salyer, 21 year old son, motorcycle accident ................ [email protected]...................... 919-868-7542
Angie Selvia, 25 year old daughter, murder .................................... [email protected] ................ 910-893-9607
Carol Shelton, 40 year old son, .................................................... [email protected] ................... 919-460-0694
Amber Silvers, stillborn daughter .................................................. [email protected] ................... 919-400-3077
Linda Strother, 15 year old son, colon cancer.................................. [email protected]....................... 919-294-6842
Barbara Thorp, 40 year old son, flue complications .......................... [email protected] ............................... 919-847-7787
Rita Tolley, 23 year old son, auto accident ..................................... [email protected] ............... 919-215-0401
Lisa Tucker, 26 year old daughter, suicide ...................................... [email protected].................... 919-938-9651
Nancy Turlington, 19 year old son, car accident .............................. [email protected] ......................... 919-553-4995
Edith Weiner, 30 year old son, murdered ....................................... [email protected] ............. 919-559-0194
Risa Wolfzahn, 23 year old son, gun shot ....................................... [email protected] ................. 984-232-0055
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Our
September Children
~ Loved ~
and Always Remembered
Birthday
Heidi Lynn Bauer
William R Wheless Jr.
Kyle Kozlowski
Nathan Pribble
Michael Shannon
Larry M. Hemmingway
Brandon Lowery
Brett Coleman
Eric Brady
Glenn Vick
Devin Grose
Devin Grose
Shane Leach
Kimberly Johnson
Eric Reid Vick
Beth Szczepanski
Blake Tolley
Thomas Anthony Weiner
Nicholas Joseph Miracola
Lyric Kincaid
Shiloh Brock
Mike Helfant
Michael William Bernstein
Chris Cardozo Jr.
Joey Ward
Jonathan Dail
Joshua Riggs
Cathy Messler Owens
Blake Carroll
Martha Williams
Derrick S. "Dee" Davis II
Anniversary
Veronica Marie Gutt-Estes
Jack Roberts
Ryan Hill
Michael Alley, Jr.
Jackson Edward Griffin
Brett Coleman
Steven Vick
Brian Dixon
Jonathan Latham
Brandon Lewis
Tucker "Rives" Mann
Mark Hardison Lanway
Blake Lemaster
Keith W. Jones
Clare Whitenack
Cameron Firebaugh
Daughter
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Grandson
Son
Daughter
Son
Daughter
Son
Son
Son
Son
Daughter
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Daughter
Son
Daughter
Son
Mimi & Merle Bauer
Gail B. & Wm. Randall Wheless Sr.
Kimberly & Chris Kozlowski
Robin & Bill Pribble
Robin Shannon
Gloria & Michael Jusino
Susan Lowery
Claudia & Doug Campbell
Debbie & Steve Brady
Sue & Melvin Vick
Stacy & Tim Grose
Michael & Cecelia McCarron
Russ & Kathy Leach
Denise Johnson
Reggie & Faye Vick
Adam Szczepanski & Sunie Stanton
Rita Tolley
Edith Weiner
Francesca & Joseph Miracola
Faira Pearce
Peter Brock
Susan & Larry Helfant
Larry Bernstein
Chris & Pam Cardozo
Merle Ward
Diane & Ralph Zeuner
Dennis & Ora Riggs
Ann Messler
Susan & Ricky Carroll
Charlotte & Berry Williams
YoLanda Davis
Daughter
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Son
Daughter
Daughter
Carolyn Gutt
Carolyn & David Roberts
Deborah & King Hill
Michael & Karen Alley
Pattie & Jack Griffin
Claudia & Doug Campbell
Sue & Melvin Vick
Keith & Wanda Dixon
Catherine (Cate) Forrester
Marty & Paula Lewis
Karen & Tucker Mann
Selma H Lanway
Saundra & J.B. Lemaster
Keith & D. Marie Jones
Sarah & Kevin Whitenack
Jamie & Aaron Firebaugh
Love cures people — Both the ones who give it — And the ones who receive it.
Dr. Karl Menninger
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The Compassionate Friends, Inc.
Wake County Chapter
PO Box 6602
Raleigh, NC 27628-6602
THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS, INC.
Wake County Chapter
PO Box 6602
Raleigh, NC 27628-6602
Chapter Co-Leaders:
Dennis Riggs…919-740-6387
(e-mail: [email protected])
Chap Haddon...919-363-9721
(e-mail: [email protected])
Bereavement Letters:
Mara Lewis...919-655-5659
(e-mail: [email protected])
Treasurer:
Gary Yurcak...919-847-1780
(e-mail: [email protected])
Pattie Griffin...919-829-1982
(e-mail: [email protected])
Website:
www.TCFWake.com
(e-mail: [email protected])
Wake TCF Phone Line
Cathy Joostema...919-833-4022
(e-mail: [email protected]
Newsletter Editor
& Membership Info:
National Office Information:
1000 Jorie Blvd, Suite 140, Oak Brook, IL 60523
Toll-Free: 877-969-0010 / Ph: 630-990-0010
Website: www.compassionatefriends.org
Email: [email protected]
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