SERMON A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, no

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SERMON
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle
of his message. The man returned just before
the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the
pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do
that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't
need one then."
Live to be 100?
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to
move. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor
and get all her charts.
The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him
the litany of complaints - this hurts,
that's stiff, I'm tired and
slower, etc. He responded
with, "Mrs. Siegel,
you have to expect
things to start deteriorating. After all, who
wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him
straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone
who's 99."
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WE COULD CERTAINLY
SLOW THE AGING PROCESS DOWN IF IT HAD TO WORK ITS WAY THROUGH
CONGRESS. -WILL ROGERS
TABLE GRACE
The young boy had only heard his grandfather
pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special
occasions; when he, typically, said a long
prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing
trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise)
asked a very brief blessing on the food.
WITHOUT PRAYER, THE EYES OF OUR UNDERSTANDING ARE BLINDED
With a gleam in his eye, our son
grinned at his Grandfather and said,
"You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"
GOLF PRAYER
A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the
priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"
The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How
about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven
and pray."
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the
ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron
and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know
about you father, but in my church when
we pray, we keep our head down."
SOMETIMES, WHEN I FORGET HOW TO SPELL A WORD, I’LL CHANGE A WHOLE SENTENCE TO AVOID USING IT
ARE YOU A PSYCHOPATH?
This is not a trick question. Read this question, come up with
a response before looking at the answer below.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother,
met a guy whom she did not know. She thought
this guy was amazing. She believed him
to be her dream guy so much, that she
fell in love with him right there, but
never asked for his number and could not
find him. A few days later she killed her
sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing
her sister? Give this some thought before you answer.
If you answered correctly, you think like a psychopath.
Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.
This was a question in a test by a
famous American psychologist
used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in
the exam and answered the question correctly.
If you didn't answer the question
correctly, good for you. If you
answered correctly....
TRUST IN GOD BUT TIE YOUR CAMEL
2016 IS JUST A COUPLE OF MONTHS AWAY AND I STILL THINK 2002 WAS ONLY A FEW OF YEARS AGO
IT IS IMPORTANT TO SPEND LESS TIME ON HOW WE LOOK AND MORE TIME ON HOW WE SEE
I KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO DO NOT LOVE THEIR FELLOW MAN, AND I HATE PEOPLE LIKE THAT!
YOU CANNOT SERVE BOTH GOD AND GREED AT THE SAME TIME
COURAGE IS RESISTANCE TO FEAR, MASTERY OF FEAR- NOT ABSENCE OF FEAR
I HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A LIGHTNING BOLT
TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER. DON’T WORSHIP YOUR MONEY WHILE YOUR BROTHER STARVES
* On Nov. 10, 1775, during the American
Revolution, the Continental Congress
passes a resolution that "two Battalions
of Marines be raised" for service as
landing forces for the Continental Navy. The date is now observed as the
birth date of the United States Marine
Corps.
* On Nov. 13, 1850, Robert Louis Stevenson, author of
"Treasure Island" and "Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," is born
in Scotland. He pursued a career as a writer, but
his decision alienated his parents, who expected
him to follow the family trade of lighthouse
keeping.
* On Nov. 15, 1867, the first stock ticker is
unveiled in New York City, making up-tothe-minute prices available to investors
around the country. Since the New York
Stock Exchange's founding in 1792, information had traveled by mail or messenger.
IT DOESN’T MATTER WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER I WIN OR LOSE
* On Nov. 14, 1900, composer Aaron Copland is born
in Brooklyn, New York. Copland was responsible for the creation of some of the 20th
century's most beloved and enduring works
of classical music, such the Pulitzer Prizewinning "Appalachian Spring" (1944).
* On Nov. 12, 1954, Ellis Island, the gateway to America,
shuts it doors after processing more than 12 million immigrants since opening in 1892. Today, an estimated 40 percent
of all Americans can trace their roots through Ellis Island,
located in New York Harbor.
* On Nov. 11, 1978, on the
Georgia set of "The Dukes of
Hazzard," a stuntman launches the
iconic 1969 Dodge Charger named
the General Lee off a makeshift dirt ramp and
over a police car. More than 300 different General Lees were
used in the CBS TV series.
* On Nov. 9, 1989, East German
officials open the Berlin Wall,
allowing travel from East to
West Berlin. The following day,
celebrating Germans began to
tear down the wall, the defining
symbol of the Cold War.
(c) 2015 King Features Synd.,
Inc.
WITH HIGH HEALTH COSTS, IT'S NOW IMPOSSIBLE TO BE ILL AT EASE
DO YOU WISH YOUR SOUL TO BE SAVED? THEN REMEMBER, YOU MUST CHOOSE WHO YOU WILL SERVE
Answers
1. Blue tang
2. William Henry Harrison
served only one month in office.
3. The Code of Hammurabi
(Babylonian) was inscribed
around 1750 B.C.
4. Groucho Marx
(c) 2014 King Features Synd., Inc.
5. Brazil
6. Speaks pompously at length
7. 23 days covering about 2,200
miles
8. Sandra Day O'Connor
9. Maine
10. Oscar the Grouch
BOOKS ARE A WAY FOR THE DEAD TO TALK TO THE LIVING
1. MOVIES: What kind of fish is Dory in "Finding Nemo"?
2. U.S. PRESIDENTS: Which U.S. president served the
shortest term?
3. HISTORY: What is the earliest written system of laws
known to us?
4. FAMOUS QUOTATIONS: What 20th-century comedian
once said, "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it
everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong
remedies"?
5. GEOGRAPHY: What is the largest country in South America?
6. LANGUAGE: What’s it mean when someone "bloviates"?
7. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: How long is the Tour de
France bicycle race?
8. FIRSTS: Who was the first woman appointed to the U.S.
Supreme Court?
9. U.S. STATES: Which state is the "The Pine Tree" state?
10. TELEVISION: Which Muppet character lives in a garbage can on "Sesame Street"?
ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE. MOST OF US NEED MORE REHEARSALS
IF I COULD WISH FOR A PERFECT LIFE, IT’D BE TEMPTING, BUT I WOULD HAVE TO DECLINE, FOR LIFE WOULD NO LONGER TEACH ME ANYTHING
IN THE GAME OF LIFE, HEREDITY DEALS THE HAND, AND SOCIETY MAKES THE RULES; BUT YOU STILL PLAY YOUR OWN CARDS
THE ONLY WAY TO BE FREE IS TO LIMIT YOURSELF
MY LIFE DOES HAVE A SUPERB CAST BUT, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I CANNOT FIGURE OUT THE PLOT
WITHOUT GOD, THE CORRUPTION OF HUMAN NATURE IS INEVITABLE
DON'T LOOK CONSPICUOUS, IT DRAWS FIRE
IF THEY OUTLAW GUNS DOES THAT MEAN WE CAN USE SWORDS?
BLUE WATER VETS AND AGENT ORANGE
---
The Department of Veterans Affairs decided long ago that for
a Vietnam veteran to have been exposed to Agent Orange, he
or she would have had to actually step foot on land. For those
veterans, the VA developed a list of presumptive illnesses -among them peripheral neuropathy, non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, Parkinson's disease, prostate cancer and more -- for
which it would pay disability benefits.
"Blue water" veterans -- on ships offshore in deep-water harbors -- got nothing. Here and there an individual claim would
be approved for those who had docked and set foot on land or
were on patrol boats on inland waters.
The Institute of Medicine was asked to determine if blue water veterans could somehow have been exposed to Agent Orange even if they never left the ship, determine the possible
method of transmission and compare them to troops on the
ground.
The IOM committee held three open meetings, the last aboard
the USS Midway, now a museum in San Diego. What members specifically wanted to see: the distillation plants.
Navy ships had their own drinking-water supply systems,
converting seawater to drinking water. And where did that
water go? Everywhere. It was used for drinking, cooking,
laundry, showers and making coffee.
The IOM called it a "plausible pathway of exposure." It concurred with an Australian study that concluded the distillation
plants "had the potential to enrich" the concentrations from
the source water to the drinking water on the other end.
The IOM couldn't, however, determine whether blue water
veterans had a higher or lower level of risk than those who
served on land or traversed the inland waterways.
The VA estimates that of the 80,000 living blue water veterans, about 40,000 have been found eligible for benefits, while
about 20,000 have been denied benefits.
(c) 2015 King Features Synd., Inc.
IF I AGREED WITH YOU WE WOULD BOTH BE WRONG
IT IS BY FAITH, SIMPLE FAITH IN CHRIST AS OUR SAVIOR AND REDEEMER, THAT PEOPLE’S SOULS ARE MADE FREE
THERE NEVER WAS BUT ONE WAY TO HEAVEN: JESUS CHRIST WAS AND IS THAT WAY
SOMETIMES I GET ROAD RAGE JUST PUSHING A SHOPPING CART AT THE GROCERY STORE
DUMB LAWS - ALASKA
 Moose may not be viewed from an airplane
 It is considered an offense to push a live
moose out of a moving airplane
 While it is legal to shoot bears, waking
a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited
TWO PEOPLE SHORTEN A ROAD
 State policy states that emergencies are
held to a minimum and rarely found to
exist
 Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time
 In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they
are moose hunting
 Fairbanks: It is considered an offense
to feed alcoholic beverages to a
moose
 Fairbanks: A law in Fairbanks
does not allow moose to make
love on city streets
 Speaking to a moose, real or imagined, on a public street while intoxicated, is cause for dismissal from
any public office.