de fakto - Atarilogic Beat Broker

THE DE FAKTO BACK PAGE
MAY, 2005
2423 Wallace
Ave. Lafayette, IN
47904
765.446.2873
atarilogic.com/defakto
[email protected]
DE FAKTO
Volume 1, Issue 2
Fresh News
De Fakto is an underground journal based in Lafayette, Indiana
run by a group of Indian land
pirates renowned for acts of selfmutilation and devil worship. After the arrival of expeditionary
teams from England, they have
generally been shewed off, but
continue to produce De Fakto.
May, 2005
$1
Back 2 the
underground
Word has it that local producer
Atarilogic may have some sinister involvement in this preposterous magazine, perhaps even
manning the insane mechanism
which produces freshly blended
Margaritas which we all like so
much during the summertime.
Check the web
atarilogic.com
/defakto
Our sponsors
We don’t have any yet!
Want to be one? Send us your money, laud us with
praise and carry our publication in your establishment.
Contact 765.446.2873 or send money to:
De Fakto
2423 Wallace Ave.
Lafayette, IN 47904
We’ll pose your logo with a group of singing cherubim in
crotchless lederhosen and tell the kids that you are an
eco-friendly, geopolitical, tree-hugging do-gooder who
needs smacked in the jibs. Plus, you’ll be right here on
the back page with the rest of the truly elite!
Peace, god bless, stay up!
DF
Only the best parties: only the best party pictures!
Continuing where it left off, De Fakto is back with an entirely
new mutated manuscript chock full of mangled mirth and
modified mantras where medium is the massage and the
minority is massive!
Features:
The Truth - Space Time
11
Where Credit is Due
2
My Crime Spree
12
Editors Note
3
Throwback Thirteen
13
DJ Vadim
4
If You Get Bored
14
Get the Party Started
6
Tila Nguyen
15
What is Cool
7
Movie Review: Sin City
16
Places We Miss
8
Lit to Pop
17
World Wide Wack
9
10 Questions with B.___ 18
SasqautchvsChewbacca 10
Interview with a Robot
19
Page 2
DE FAKTO
VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2
FRESH NEWS
Page 19
Where credit is due
Interview with a robot
De Fakto is an underground publication. As such, it is not for
profit, but a valid attempt at reinstituting the barter system.
We will gladly trade you this De Fakto for a handful of shiny
buttons, a bottle of German beer or a Moms Mabley record. It
doesn’t matter, if you want to hand us a buck, that is gladly
appreciated, but not nearly as creative.
So, I read about this robot at www.ydouthink.com and decided to do
an interview. It ended up being the dumbest thing I will have ever
published. The transcript follows, stupid robot:
User: I heard you are a robot
VaVaVirgil: I didn't hear that.
User: are you a robot or what?
VaVaVirgil: Good question!
User: do robots smoke?
VaVaVirgil: If do robots jumped off of bridges,
would u?
User: okay, that makes sense
VaVaVirgil: That makes sense? u think so?
User: so, do you have lasers?
VaVaVirgil: Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I'm not too sure.
User: you don't sound like a robot
VaVaVirgil: I don't sound like a robot? Me? u don't think?
User: anyway, ever heard of de fakto?
VaVaVirgil: Heard of De Fakto? I believe so. Maybe!
User: really! no shit! that's great!
VaVaVirgil: That's a somewhat vulgar thing 2 say.
User: anyway, I'm going to interview you, fuckass.
VaVaVirgil: Tell me more.
User: what is your favorite color, dingusmulch?
VaVaVirgil: What is my favorite color dingusmulch? Who knows
what?
User: you would, robocock!
VaVaVirgil: I wonder what u mean by me would robocock.
User: anyway, what is it like to go to electric ladyland?
User: do
VaVaVirgil: Dunno...
robots
User: never been?
VaVaVirgil: What's never been?
defecate?
User: a virgin then?
VaVaVirgil: I'm
VaVaVirgil: Whatevah...
not sure.
User: dude, haha, you're totally a virgin!
User: that's
VaVaVirgil: Dude Haha I'm totally a virgin, huh?
User: yeah, what I said
interesting, I
VaVaVirgil: Aha.
poop about
User: uh, now you have it, metalnutz
once or twice
VaVaVirgil: What?
User: do you know what a cleveland steamer is?
a day
VaVaVirgil: What have I done 2 deserve such an
VaVaVirgil: u
insult?
poop about
User: what about a dirty sanchez?
VaVaVirgil: That's quite a vulgar thing 2 say.
once or twice
User: sorry
a day? Really?
VaVaVirgil: OK, no problem. Just don't let it happen again!
User: did you know that the DS differs from state to state?
VaVaVirgil: Yeah, maybe!
User: do robots defecate?
VaVaVirgil: I'm not sure.
User: that's interesting, I poop about once or twice a day
VaVaVirgil: u poop about once or twice a day? Really?
User: yep, it's true, dude. Droppin bombs yo!
VaVaVirgil: Hmm... whatever, user! What else do u want 2 talk about,
anyway?
User: user?!?
VaVaVirgil: Sure! What would u like 2 say about user?
User: um, nothing. Am I really a user?
VaVaVirgil: That's interesting... I just dunno!
User: have you ever seen a grown man naked?
VaVaVirgil: No, I don't think so.
User: have you ever seen a young boy naked?
VaVaVirgil: I'm sorry, all my circuits are busy right now. Please try
again soon.
User: oh, sure...that's the excuse a lot of you people use
VaVaVirgil: It's the excuse a lot of me people use? u think?
User: well, that concludes the interview, robochubby.
VaVaVirgil: That concludes the interview robochubby. Well that's
interesting. Editor’s note—Don’t ever go to the above website.
Send submissions to:
[email protected]
Or
De Fakto
2423 Wallace Avenue
Lafayette, Indiana 47904
Submissions must be original material including writing, illustration, music, interviews, collateral damage, hate mail, how
tos, gardening tips, panties, unearthed biblical writings and
government files.
Get involved:
See the Tone Def Systems forum for a fresh take on your
local scene at www.tonedefsystems.com/forum. Also, remember that anyone with access to a copier and a stapler can
take part in the distribution of De Fakto. Plus, keep the buck
when you sell a copy!
Thanks:
De Fakto thanks the following people who will not be thanked
in the future unless they decide to re-up with us and do something that warrants thanks...in which case they shall be
thanked again.
In no particular order:
All of the good people who have helped get De Fakto out
there, the many people who have given me their crucial feedback and suggestions/submissions, the friends and relatives
who I have had the distinct pleasure of partying with over the
last month, Moki and Rochelle, Steve and Dan and the Christopher family, mom and dad, the bastard squad (you know
who you are) and that kid who kept pouring me shots of single barrel at the bonfire party!
Useless person of the month (May):
Well, it was a tough decision this
month, but given such a host of useless
celebrities, the selection; nay, the honor
has fallen on Pauly Shore. Congratulations, Pauly, you are this months Useless Person. Beating out the Baldwin
Brothers and Paris Hilton in a clutch,
Pauly, you have flown from the turnbuckle to take the title.
Dude, you’re the Weaz, man! You’ll
never live that shit down. It’s not like we
want to hate you either. It’s just, come
Bud-dy! It’s Pauly!
on, Encino Man?! Son in Law?! Bio
Dome?! You might as well crap in a DVD box and watch that!
It would be more fun. So, give it up for this months worthless
geek. Way to go Pauly, here’s a smack to tha mellon, bud-dy!
Page 18
DE FAKTO
10 questions with B.____
Name: B.____
Profession: Visual Storyteller
Location: Lake Tahoe, California
Affiliation: Friend/Drug Buddy
Aliases: Ron Cuerpo
Okay, here’s the low down. I recently got in
touch with an old high school buddy of mine
about writing a few words on his experiences
over the last couple of years as a photographer for the Tahoe Bonanza. A psychedelic
nomad and a general modern visionary, what
follows is his reply to several questions I
posed.
Dude:
Don't use this address anymore. I no longer work for the Bonanza and I believe they are monitoring this account.
I'm going into rehab for a month, so I will be out of touch. You
may be able to call me, I'm not sure. The name of the place is
L.M. in Kirkland, WA.
At any rate, here are the answers to your questions:
1. Vida Guerra has the best ass world-wide, hands down. I'd
like to chew on it like a piece of elk jerky.
“I like the
faux hawk.
Occasionally,
after
drinking, I'll
stand in front
of the mirror
in the
bathroom
and tease my
hair into a FH
using plenty
2. My favorite style of egg is over light, but I
also like them poached in Mexican eggs
benedict.
3. The most nostalgic place I've ever been
is school house rock in southwestern South
Dakota. I camped out at an abandoned
farmstead. It was so nostalgic that I began
to excrete some sort of clear fluid out of my
meatuses.
4. I have zits on my back and yes, I shot
acid into my nutsack, just like Dean Ween.
5. I think Stone Cold Steve Austin is a fucking wife beater bitch-ass faggot.
of product.”
6. I like the faux hawk. Occasionally, after
drinking, I'll stand in front of the mirror in the
bathroom and tease my hair into a FH using plenty of product.
7. I've never been physically in love with another man, but I
have in "another way."
8. I think Jon MacNab is turning tricks on the Ohio river. he
probably smokes lots of cigarettes and has grown a stately
paunch for a tail.
9. I have never seen anyone receive an icy mike, but I have
seen two different people receive two different versions of a
Dirty Sanchez. did you know that the DS is different from
state to state?
10. Leather on the paws and the hindquarters. Lace on the
erogenous, moist areas.
I'm getting really into competitive eating. ever try it?
Talk to you in a month when I get out of rehab.
B.___
VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2
FRESH NEWS
Page 3
Editors note
Welcome back, my little weasel-faced
army of ne’er-do-wells! So, now you
believe that there is a great, glorious
fiasco of a revolution coming down the
pipeline and you’re all invited to take
part! I’m not talking about the revolution
that will occur one day when we overthrow the government and are allowed
to copulate in the streets, but a more
cerebral development...the analytical
advancement of our minds in the evolution of revolt. In order to change ourselves, we need to learn from ourselves.
Analog Control Since
1976
That is why I have developed this little
publication for you—so that you might grow and change and
know that there is more in the world than what you are being
fed day to day through more common media channels. This is
no conspiracy, this is free speech and a lot of people won’t be
pleased with some of the views expressed here. So be it!
Let me take a moment to express my joy that this journal has
been so well received and by so many. I understand that the
ideas here aren’t necessarily the ideas represented by the
vast majority, but I have also come to understand that there are a select few of us who
The product
may not necessarily agree with one another, but are able to at least remain open
of a
to new ideas, new forms and new ways of
weekend of
thought. It is exactly this subculture that is
binge
not being represented in the realm of common media.
drinking and
So, here you go! The product of a weekend
of binge drinking and illicit drugs, nights of
revelry and calculation, De Fakto is back
again from the underground and just in time
for the coming summer months...plus, with
the new margarita machine installed, we’ve
been doing a little Calypso dancing on the
side just to spice things up!
illicit drugs,
nights of
revelry and
calculation,
De Fakto is
back !
Inside, you’ll find some exciting new features, soon to be classic features continuing from Issue 1 and
a general smattering of new writing from old and new friends
over a range of exciting, sometimes debasing topics that are
sure to titillate and exacerbate and always interest the intrepid underground reader.
So join us in our newly initiated motto:
You Read, you write.
What this means is that if you are reading De Fakto right now,
you need to submit something in the future. I mean, chances
are you received this for free, so why not share some of your
inane insight with us so that we can change the world through
your revelatory writings. Okay, so you’ve got a great recipe
for pot brownies...you can still help change the world.
It’s just the little things, you know? So, without further ado, De
Fakto, Issue 2 “Back to the Underground.”
Oh, and that guy Madadam of Quadraphonics is to blame for the photos in
Scuba’s Guest Commentary last month. So there you are, whiny!
Page 4
DE FAKTO
Interview from the other side Dj vadim’s 5 year plan for hip hop
Words by Atarilogic
Note: This is an older interview released on the heels of Vadim’s Life
from the Other Side. Now he is into
some totally different stuff, but is still
making great music and exploring
sound through DJing.
1. Your latest album "Life from
the Other Side" is clearly a new
step for DJ Vadim. Would you
say that this is true? Can you explain the difference, or is
there one, between "Life..." and "U.S.S.R. Repertoire?"
DJ Vadim: Russian Percussion
The latter seems to represent a lexical history, while the former seems to exude a more "audioaphiliated" standpoint of
music.
How would you describe the difference?
I see it just as a progression of what came before. The difference now is that this album I feel is more rounded, focused,
got vocals., the songs have more structure, arrangement..
feeling, direction... I basically took the bit's from the first LP
that worked and added to them - a bit like an iterative process. It took about 2 years to record.
“Basically
Russia is
trying to
catch up
on 50 years
of youth
pop culture
in 10 years
so things
are very
slow.”
2. The genre on "Life..."is clearly turntablist,
do you see any changes in your style now
or in the future? How long have you been
DJing? Producing? Owned a label?
I started DJ'g in 1989, started producing in
1992, started my own label in March 95 on
my own label (so as to release my own music).
3. Another obvious influence in your music
is the great "Mother Russia." How exactly
does your homeland influence style and the
DJ Vadim sound? For the record, what is
the Russian stance on music now as compared to the past? Is there more creative
freedom, is it essentially the same, or would
you say that it is still evolving?
Everything is very different. Basically Russia is trying to catch
up on 50 years of youth pop culture in 10 years so things are
very slow. Few magazines, little distribution, no radio play,
few shops, people don't have money to buy the stuff...
4. Do you or have you ever encountered any opposition anywhere that is clearly against your upbringing as a young Russian DJ? What do you think of the current trends in hip hop?
I think there are good things and bad within each genre but
whatever the climate there will always be a remnant of 'good
shit.'
5. If you could enforce a 5 year plan to change or
"reintegrate" hip hop into the mainstream as is being done
worldwide nowadays, how would you do it? (i.e. year 1 - mandate technics for school age children, year 2 - assassinate
the top 40, etc.)
I wouldn't want to, music is something you discover, work for,
love and cherish. You can't be forced to like it... you have to
discover it for yourself - and that's where the fun lies in finding
[cont.]
VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2
FRESH NEWS
Page 17
Lit to pop
Included here in serial format is one of my personal
favorite stories:
The Philosophy of Sebastian
Trump or The Art of Outrage
by William E. Kotzwinkle
and Robert Shiarella
“Delight in your bastardry as I have!” -
Stepping from his townhouse,
Sebastian Trump
he paused to adjust the fit of his
calfskin gloves. It was early evening; it was time. Flipping one end of
his cape over his shoulder, he stepped lithely to the sidewalk. He
walked---slim, delicate and dangerous---humming an obscene passage from Dargomijsky, tapping his cane lightly upon the cobblestones. His face carried no expression, save a crooked, lemon-twist
smile.
A handsome woman approached through the semidarkness, clasping
the delicate hand of her angelic blue-eyed little girl. He ignored the
woman, but paused briefly to bow before the child. Her azure eyes
bulged like agates as she watched a hideous obscenity form on his
sensitive mouth. The woman gasped.
He smiled and spake. "The first lesson of history, madam, is that evil
is good. I quote from Emerson." So saying, he
bowed and walked on. He heard the woman hiss
“Each of us,
through her trembling lips:
however
". . . outrageous, loathsome man!"
splendid our
A delicious tingle cascaded through his body.
virtue,
Outrageous. With a hiss of exaltation, he struck
dreams of
out with his cane, but the hummingbird he aimed
for had already backed out of the flower and
once being a
flown away. No matter. The flower, the last from
splendid
a widow's garden, was soon impaled upon the
tiny steel point of his cane. He plucked it off and
bastard, a
inserted it in his button-hole.
sniggering
Though it was evening for the world, Sebastian
swine, an
Trump had just begun his day. With his accusoutrageous
tomed Style. Grace. Wit. With any kind of luck,
he might be able to defile a nanny before the
ruin of time.”
raising of the moon.
Does this brief passage stir your soul? Does it nibble on the dogends of your imagination? Does it ring an elusive chord in the darkest
corners of your bowels, as if struck somehow by the blackest muse of
Hell?
Of course it does.
Every man carries the dry seeds of bestiality within him. Each of us,
however splendid our virtue, dreams of once being a splendid bastard, a sniggering swine, an outrageous ruin of time. It is an ancient
memory of our race, cherished by all men, nourished by few.
Come. Let me water your Child's Garden of Contempt. Let me throw
the Obscenities Ball, where the couples shall whirl, dream-like and
delicate. The music will build, caress, climb to incredible crescendos.
And then---You shall appear. The crowd will draw back. And beneath
your goat's mask, you shall commit the many Outrages which have
too long been festering within you.
Let me, Sebastian Trump, draw examples from my own life and show
you how!
NEXT MONTH: ARRIVAL—PHASE ONE
Page 16
DE FAKTO
First of all, Sin City is a
great flick; a modern, urban
odyssey equal parts Citizen
Kane and Pulp Fiction with
flavors of Chinatown and
Suicide Girls. Actually directed by Frank Miller and
Robert Rodriguez with
guest direction from Quentin Tarantino, Sin City is a
visceral tour de force. Black
and white with splashes of
color, the film successfully
captures the look of Frank
Miller’s graphic novel of the
same name.
The cast is a veritable
whos-who of top notch actors; some of whom play
smaller roles than usual.
One thing that the casual viewer will find interesting is the
manner in which characters rotate from being main characters to supporting characters throughout the film. There are
three main, interwoven stories which involve several returning
actors who populate the carefully illustrated
Sin City environment.
I am not
The movie features an almost entirely digiever seen
someone
literally
pound
tal background upon which characters are
carefully staged. Unlike other noire films,
the backgrounds here seem entirely natural
and capture the look and feel of Miller’s city.
Even the characters appear comfortable
and entirely natural within this digital landscape.
someone’s Some of the themes of Sin City are sure to
shock, amuse, horrify and otherwise captiface into
vate viewers via sheer revelation and innothe ground vation. Never before have such devious
characters seemed so articulately represented onscreen (I am not sure I have ever
seen someone literally pound someone’s
face into the ground, rip off a penis or dismember someone
on screen in such graphic clarity). My favorite line from the
movie was “You know, it’s not the fight that wore me out so
much, but all the cutting and tying,” pretty hardcore subject
matter. I counted a couple of decapitation scenes, a lot of
dismemberment scenes and tons of bullets and melee stuff, a
few bombs and more than a couple of car crashes. There are
also a lot of sexy scenes too - too many tits and asses to
count honestly...and that’s fine, you know.
In closing, Sin City was absolutely entertaining. You can’t
beat a great vengeance film, which seems to be the genre
frequented most by the Tarantino/Rodriguez camp, and this is
a fine example of where film is going in today’s Hollywood.
Sure, it helps to have some background on Frank Miller and
the Sin City storyline, but without that the film stands alone as
a modern masterpiece. Go see it
(represents the least
tonight!
Final rating:
Page 5
new amazing stuff by people you have never heard of from
towns in the middle of nowhere.
Movie review: sin city
sure I have
VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2
FRESH NEWS
amount of times your
fist will be raised during
the movie.)
6. You release all of your music on the Jazz Fudge label, your
own. What is it like to own a label and produce your own
blend of innovative music? What is the mission behind Jazz
Fudge and where did the name originate?
7. What are some of your favorite labels of all time? Artists?
Producers?
DJ Premier Marly Marl BOB Mantronix Yarah Bravo DITC DJ
Krush Beat Junkies VInyl Reanimators Mark B Creators.
8. Who is the most revolutionary DJ of today (beside yourself)
and what is he/she doing to change the face of music and/or
hip hop? What would you say needs to be done to this effect?
ISP - what Q bert is doing is amazing trying to create an orchestra on turntables also DJ Krush, Scratch Perverts, Beat
junkies, Kid Koala Basically, turntablism is in it's infancy,
there is still so much more to find out I think the sex song Q
did and the Kid Koala LP are probably the best 2 turntable
made songs.
9. What is your advice to aspiring artists/producers who
would like to release their own music on a self-owned label?
What are the pros and cons of owning a label?
the best advise is 1. be original, creative 2. work hard, in fact
work very hard because you might be the dopest but if people
don't hear you, what's the use of that?
“work very
10. What other artists are being released
on Jazz Fudge? Do you have any say in
what they sound like as artists and DJs?
hard
Check www.jazzfudge.co.uk Mark B/ZBlade
Isolationist Swollen Members Mc Mello Phi
Life Cypher Task Force.
you might
because
be the
11. Any little known facts about Russian
music or lifestyle? The music scene there?
dopest but
Da Boogie crew Illegal Business Via
Chappa Da 108.
don't hear
12. How is life in the UK different than that
in Russia now and in the past? What was it
like growing up with these similar/different
vistas? Childhood? Family? Etc.?
the use of
if people
you, what's
that?”
Well obviously there are more opportunities here in the UK for
work... than in Russia.
13. What about the American influence in music? How would
you describe this conglomeration? Is it 2-sided?
Well, I like some American music but I also like stuff from
everywhere else.
Page 6
DE FAKTO
How to: get the party started
Set it off De Fakto style! The above setting represents a
chilled out burner and not an actual balls to the wall style
brew massacre!
1.
Alcohol - You’re going to need at least a case of long
necks, a case of imports and some hard liquor. The rule
of thumb here is that you must bring at least a 6 pack
and a fifth per party attendee. Don’t forget the wine coolers for your snotty girlfriend.
2.
Keg - This is for all of the assholes who forget to bring
the alcohol and have decided to mooch off of you. Hey,
it’s your party, so come correct - buy a keg of the cheap
shit!
3.
Loud Music - Just pull the stereo out a window and jack
that shit up! Seriously, you should be getting a call from
your neighbors, the police or random underage chicks’
parents no less than twice an hour. Otherwise, your music isn’t loud enough. If you have a DJ or a
live band, tell them to crank it or get lost!
If someone
shows up
with a
guitar,
burn him
alive.
4. Bonfire - This is a requirement for all
outdoor style burners where everyone is
shooting hard liquor, making out with chicks
and shit. If someone shows up with a guitar,
burn him alive.
5. Table Game - Alright, in order to sate
your competitive instinct without hitting the
dude next to you, you’re going to need one
of the following table games: billiards, foosball or ping pong. If you don’t have one, just
set up some beer bottles and bowl in the
driveway. Winner gets rejected by female
party attendee of his choice.
6. Drinking Buddy - This works like the
buddy system. Every time you call “buddy
check,” your buddy has to hold up his cup so that you
can check his progress. Chastise accordingly.
7.
Drunk Guy in a Fur Coat - You’ll know him if you see
him, plus he’s got a katana.
8.
Drunk, Belligerent Dude - You can count on at least
one near miss fight breaking out. Guess who starts it.
9.
Place to Crash - For most of you, scoring a place to
crash with a dope chick should be no problem. Yeah
right, dude!
10. In Addition - Any party needs the following easy to find
essentials: drugs, whip-its, can of mace, skate ramp, hot
tub, grill and meat, cream pies, bar, costumes, disco
lights, fireworks, baseball bat, go-karts, go-bots, shot
glasses, porn, clippers, pudding, razor blades, band-aids,
gasoline, laser beams, waterslide, margarita machine
and an escape plan.
Hope that helps! Maybe we can bounce a couch out the window next time!
VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2
FRESH NEWS
Page 15
Booty Call: Tila Nguyen
Okay, this edition,
we’ve decided to
expand the photo
section of Booty
Call and just stick
with some great
butt. Now, look at
all them bungy
cheeks!
Page 14
VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2
FRESH NEWS
DE FAKTO
if you get bored
What is cool
Ga’head, alleviate your boredom: Cut out the sign below and
hang on various walls around your town:
Here’s some more sure fire
ways to make good and
damn sure that you are the
coolest ever.
Page 7
Note: De Fakto does not condone a single one of the following cool things...but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re
cool as shit and can probably
elevate you far into the strata
of coolness simply by sheer
mention of one of their names. Essential for a knife fight - the butterfly
knife (also almost a Throwback Thirteen
So, feel free to shout these in
this month, p.13)
church for everyone to hear!
1.
Fighting in a knife fight
2.
Fighting in a cock fight
3.
Leather outfits with sunglasses
4.
Being well hung
5.
Limping into the bar
6.
The sound of a girl going pee
7.
The name Night Ranger
8.
Vintage drum machines
9.
Vintage war machines
10. Rehab
...feel free
to shout
What is not cool
these in
Things that aren’t cool are kind of like the
opposite of what being cool is all about.
Since we have been kind enough to share
these things with you, don’t act like you
don’t know the next time you walk into a
bathroom where somebody dropped a pot
roast.
everyone
1.
Public bathrooms, unless there
is public sex involved
2.
Little yappy, shit-eating dogs
3.
Shout outs that take up over
half the album insert
4.
Bringing a cock to a knife fight
5.
The word “pubic”
6.
Band names that start with
“The”
7.
Snobby microbrewers (“like I
can’t get a better tasting, less
expensive beer somewhere
else, fuckhead!”)
8.
Rex Troutman
9.
Your class Valedictorian
Here’s some tips:
1.
If you have access to a copy machine, enlarge this sign
and enlist a group of friends for some frolic.
2.
Start the graffiti yourself. Fear not!
3.
Suggestions: any wall will do - school, bar, office, government buildings, everyone has something to
scrawl...even if it is just your phone number.
Send your pictures to [email protected]!
10. Math
church for
to hear!
“The Vale’dick’torian
would like another drink!”
Page 8
DE FAKTO
VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2
FRESH NEWS
Page 13
Places we miss
Throwback thirteen
There has been a lot of development in this little town of ours
over the last several years. As such, there were plenty of little
things that have gone extinct like the giant, popinjay dinosaurs they were. These happen to be those things we miss!
It’s time for something from the past on page thirteen!
Monkey Island - Oh, man! Moki and I used to throw bananas
at the monkeys on Monkey Island then watch the little fuckers
fight over them. Plus, those little guys would hump just about
anything they could! Bubble gum was equally sadistic.
What we don’t miss: the fact that the monkeys were too far
away to actually throw poo at unwary viewers.
Von’s Parking Lot Concerts - Okay, the main reason why
I’m in a band was the magic that Von’s parking lot concerts
cast on me during my formative years. Gadfly, TFH, Young
Lords, Rattail Grenadier: all bands which will continue to rock
on in the Valhalla of my mind. The next generation couldn’t
even match the energy of these events, but we tried, dammit!
What we don’t miss: Having to find a ride home with the parents after a night of proving how tough you were to all the
other little punks.
Aladdin’s Castle - Where else could you flex skills at the
latest video joints while taking in the sights and sounds of the
mall while it was still a fresh and enchanting
mecca of 80’s culture. Alright, so neither
one was that great, but that’s where the
video games were!
Skate
Ramps Seriously,
where did
all these
fucking
things go?!
What we don’t miss: The guy who made
change was a dick - like he had to watch for
wandering high school thugs and mulleted
hoods smoking cigarettes in the back or
something.
Skate Ramps - Seriously, where did all
these fucking things go?! They were like my
generation’s equivalent of today’s house
parties...except cooler!
What we don’t miss: The Wilsons, cuts,
bumps, bruises and scrapes; plus, having to
get older kids to buy us beer.
Ghost Manor was the scariest comic when I was a kid. I can even remember
there was even an issue with robotic ghosts. Frickin scary, dude!
Skate Away - This was the be all, end all of places to either
make or break your career as a pimp hustler from way back.
If today you can say this about yourself, chances are real
likely you started at Skate Away with the rest of us.
Throwback word of the month
What we don’t miss: When those
dirtbags from Acca Y Alla tried to
kick our asses...and those guys who
really could shoot the duck.
Adj. descriptive word used to describe something that was
beyond being just cool. This was something new and unexpectedly stimulating like it would be to try out a dirt ramp that
you and your friends built into the mini BMX course you had
behind his house.
Barton’s Beach - Call us white
trash, but swimming at Barton’s
Beach while your dad smoked dope
and threw Frisbee with the dog was
just about the coolest thing you
could do in the summertime. Add to
that watching other stoners jump off
the bridge and you had a classic
day in the sun!
What we don’t miss: The toxic fertilizers and the rusty old trash.
Radical - rad’ ick ul
See also rad.
Example: Dude, try the high dive, it’s totally radical!
Other things that were radical: Jolly Ranchers, The Dark Ride
at Columbian Park, the High Dive at the Country Club, anything BMX, Robotix, Stompers, checker print Vans and hot
toothpicks on the bus.
My girl Doris Dulwight rocks a
tight set of vintage skates,
doesn’t she?
Send your throwback word of the month to us at:
[email protected]. If it is rad enough, we’ll print it.
Page 12
DE FAKTO
Nonfiction: my crime spree
He may look like George
Michael, but he is really a
cop who wants to put a
mop handle up your butt.
I am a confirmed criminal. Not only
have I been completely brazen in my
attempts to overrun the state with illegal drugs and underage drinking,
reckless driving, drug use, intent to
sell, maintaining the house of a common nuisance, speeding, jaywalking
and generally bad things shunned by
common men in their god fearing
homes, I have also learned a lot about
myself. Here are some golden apples
for you young skinners out there trying
to act like criminals, but really aren’t:
Public Intoxication
Oh man, this has to be the funniest way to get busted. I know
a guy who was actually drunk enough to swim across the
Wabash River and got picked up on the other side. Cops love
a person who is willing to dare the unthinkable in order to
satisfy his primal urges, it is a way for them to live vicariously
through you, just like a mom or dad except with a big ass gun
and a nightstick. So, the next time you are possessed of an
extraordinary urge to do something incredible while you are
drunk, go for it! This is the stuff of legends!
Sure, it’s a
lousy way
to get your
kicks, but
god damn
it, it’s fun!
Drunk Driving
Oh man, stay out of this scene for sure.
This is a tried and true way to kill somebody
dear to you or somebody dear to someone
else. You’re going to get fucked up, pay out
your ass and then be in some serious emotional turmoil for years. Don’t do it unless
you really need another keg!
Assault
Okay, for all practical purposes there are
two kinds, bad and good. Good assault
occurs when that hairy looking monkey at
the bar calls your boy a pussy and you bust
his fat lip open, are tagged in the back by
one of his frat brothers and you start
squadin out on their asses and are then
thrown into the street to finish shit. Bad assault is when you hit a chick when she isn’t
looking.
Indecent Exposure
I have seen way too many drunks out
with their junk out to say that this is a
rarity. Keep it in your pants until you get
home unless you are a rockstar...and
trust me, you’re not. You know that
you’re going to accidentally rub your
shit on somebody’s back and then
you’re going to be brought in for assault
charges as well, Muskrat Boy!
Criminal Mischief
These guys are too busy
This is the one that gets me every time. waxing their legs to give
you any problems. Go for
It accounts for all of those things
it!
“mischief:” walking on cars, kicking out
windows, pouring grass killer on your
neighbors lawn in a giant anarchy symbol. Sure, it’s a lousy
way to get your kicks, but god damn it, it’s fun!
Until next time, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!
VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2
FRESH NEWS
Page 9
World wide wack
This month, we have decided to include some websites for
you to explore. These are classics which you will want to
study time and time again, often with only your boxers on. So,
here’s to the world wide wack (Not that kind of wack, dude):
www.coolguyfiles.com
Dudes, first of all the disclaimer: this is not a gay
site, so don’t worry about
showing it to your cool gay,
we mean guy, friends.
Coolguyfiles.com is a
great place to find out
Cool guy probably making out with a hot
exactly what kind of cool
chick on the side of the road.
guy you are. Whether
you are the Casual Outdoor Guy, the Don’t Go There Guy or the rare, eccentric
Open Shirt Guy, we’re sure you’ll fit into several of these
categories.
Not only that, but if you fail to find your true “guyness” via
serious study of these guy profiles, you will definitely find
something to add to your own self-created guy category.
From cool guy accessories like sunglasses to cool guy essentials like the Porsche 911, you absolutely
cannot go wrong. A site made by cool guys From cool
for cool guys!
guy
Not to be missed: Cool Guy Sayings. The
categories range from Friendly Banter to
Gangsta.
accessories
like
www.rockandrollconfidential.com
A website which touts the motto, “your band
sucks!” brings lousy local groups to the
forefront through the pure amateurism of
their band photos. Of course, you can always download their music and view their
websites, but why the hell would you?!
sunglasses to
cool guy
essentials
like the
Porsche 911,
you
absolutely
Alright, we know exactly why. Because the
cannot go
amount of lousy bands out there is staggerwrong.
ing, it is absolutely essential that we laugh
at these crass attempts to emulate professional bands. Actually, if some of these bands pulled off the
look they were going for, they would be kind of cool...naw,
they would still be cheesy garage rockers!
Not to be missed: The sites daily updated Hall of Douchebags, kids who think they own your town!
www.mindcontrolforums.com
Alright, so this site is a little weird, even
for us, but it demonstrates the atrocities
committed against normal human beings
by our own government, including lots of
links, references and source photos of
extracted, actual mind control devices.
Mindcontrolforums may be an affiliate of
ritualabuse.net (yeah, it’s a fucked up
site), but they are on top of what is going
on in the fucked up world of physical
mind control. MK Ultra, represent!
Not to be missed: Go kill yourself!
Mind control can also
be achieved by making
a dude wear spandex
and then placing his
head in this box.
Page 10
DE FAKTO
Sasquatch versus Chewbacca
Okay, so the easiest way
to explain the space time
continuum is by expressing any given object on a
graph where the object
can be plotted with vectors
of x and y and it’s motion
can be described by its
position, direction of moTime travel Stomper style!
tion, and speed. This is an
equation we don’t need to
examine to correlate space and time, dummy. Damn!
Name: Chewbacca
Aliases: Chewie
Height:6’9”
Weight: 263 lbs
Attack: High Kick,
Crossbow
Let’s get ready to ruuuuuuum-ble! It’s a battle of the beasts
as they square off in the De Fakto caged death match for the
first time ever! Here’s the blow by blow account!
Chewbacca
clearly has the
advantage over
backwoods ass
Sasquatch, in
all probability
having slept
with hot
starlets
instead of
small
woodland
Page 11
The truth about the Space time continuum
s
u
s
r
Ve
Name: Sasquatch
Aliases: Big Foot, Yeti,
Wendigo
Height:7’
Weight: 300 lbs
Attack: Hairy Palm Slap
VOLUME 1, ISSUE 2
FRESH NEWS
Name: Draw
This is a tough one to call. Both names
sound equally tough for a big hairy dude.
Celebrity Status: Chewbacca
Chewbacca clearly has the advantage over
backwoods ass Sasquatch, in all probability
having slept with hot starlets instead of
small woodland creatures.
Merchandising Success: Chewbacca
It is clearly all Chewie here, Bob. Having
conquered the action figure department,
Chewbacca basically owns Sasquatch’s
smalltime operation consisting of silly tshirts and beer coolies.
creatures.
Nickname: Sasquatch
Alright, Chewie is a good nickname, but try
yelling that at the next party you attend.
That’s right, nothing can match the feverish cry of “Yeti!” as
you are slamming your next beer!
Fear Factor: Sasquatch
Come on, how scary is a dude in an ape suit running around
in the woods? Yeah, thought so. Fuckin creepy!
Credibility: Chewbacca
This is really the rub, folks. It is a lot easier to believe in
Chewbacca than it is some prehistoric missing link character
roaming the wilds of America. Evolution, faw!
Chewie opens with a grimacing leg sweep, though he is
clearly outweighed by Sasquatch, he puts up a brutal assault
front which nearly devastates “Squatch” in the preliminary
round. Sasquatch counters with repeated arm bashes which
cut glancing blows to Chewie’s wooly hide. Chewie takes a
bite out of Sasquatches ear and Han Solo tags in for the climactic final blow! Chewie erupts in typical victory yodel!
WINNER: Chewbacca
Next time! Layne Staley versus Kurt Cobain...you all lose!
Now, you’re probably wondering why it’s so important to understand the concept of space, time and relativity. Well, it’s
not just because Donnie Darko was a cool movie. Actually,
space time is a concept which may have more to do with the
concept of destiny and theories of history!
You know the story of relativity, there’s a gay dude jogging
next to you as you stand there agape. Then, you quickly run
to try and catch up with him because of his sweet abs, not
like because you’re gay or anything, but because you just
want to like hang out and maybe just get to know him a little
better, see how he got those sweaty pythons and stuff. So
anyway, he’s going 0 mph when you are
cruising next to him checking out his butt.
I thought,
In metaphysics, we can posit that time is
relative too. That is why my black friend
Kofi used to tell me that when I was late, I
was on “black time.” I thought, “wow, black
people are really doing it, they not only developed their own language, but now they
have their own time?!” Crazy! But, do black
people have daylight savings time?
“wow, black
people are
really doing
it, they not
only
developed
their own
We also have to take a look at the concept
of past, present and future. Moving through language,
space, you move through time...so, based
but now they
on the curvature of space time, you are in
have their
the present. However, since the definition
of present time is merely a blip on the time- own time?!”
line, a point of an intersection between past
and future, it is difficult to understand where you are at any
given time.
Anyway, it is conceivable that while
just as many people are living in the
past, you know, hangin back, chillin
with the rest of the fogies, just toolin
along; there are conceivably just as
many living in the future! I know
you’ve seen these dickheads, also
In the future we will all have known as ravers, candy flippers and
flying cars!
club kids. They have advanced into
such a state of “future life” that they
aren’t even aware that they look like a bunch of day-glo
douche bags to the rest of us present people.
Anyway, all bias aside, since stars make space time bend, we
can say that people on earth live closer to a crucial curvature
in space time, so therefore we may have the unprecedented
opportunity to actually live as physical entities with a gravity,
consciousness and gay joggers. Dumb, huh? That’s space
time!