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BE
AWES
OMER
Your how-to manual
for becoming a more
impressive human
HOW TO
find your spirit cheese
“There are certain cheeses that will actually pull me
out of my reality and I just focus on it.” That’s how Kristin
Sande describes the experience of eating her spirit cheese.
“A lot of times I wish that no one would bother me while
I’m tasting it.”
Sande is a Certified Cheese Professional, probably the
coolest title we’ve ever heard and a real thing thanks to the
American Cheese Society, which offers this sommelier-like
certification, administered by the same people who do the
bar exam. Sande also owns local epicurean outpost Valley
Cheese & Wine with her husband (she met him at a cheese
conference), so she knows her gorgonzola from her robiola.
“I really like gooey, sticky cheeses that are a little bit
funky,” she says. “Borderline offensive.”
How do you find your spirit cheese? Think about texture,
palate and potential pairing. If you like harder cheeses,
skip the sticky stuff. If you have a favorite wine, you might
with illustrations
by travis jackson
HOW TO
18 LasVegasWeekly.com october 16–22, 2014
choose a cheese with the same terroir. If you’re a newbie,
you’ll probably want to steer clear of freaky cheese, like
stinky washed rinds that can be as alarming to some as they
are enticing to others. Most importantly, taste, taste, taste.
How else will you know what makes your eyes flutter?
At their Henderson shop, Sande and her husband do a lot
of tasting, playing matchmaker for customers looking for
the one. How can she tell when she nails it? “They get in
that same zone where they’re like, ‘No one talk to me.’ And
they get little twinkles in their eyes. That’s the best thing
about cheese, that most people go crazy over it. That’s why
they say that when you take a photo: ‘Say cheese.’”
–Sarah Feldberg
VALLEY CHEESE & WINE 1570 W. Horizon Ridge
Parkway, 702-341-8191. Monday-Saturday, 11 a.m.-7 p.m.;
Sunday, 11 a.m.-5 p.m.
FLEEK:
October 16–22, 2014 LasVegasWeekly.com
19
HOW TO
HOW TO
WRITE
POETRY
THAT
DOESN’T
SUCK
PRETEND
TO BE AN
ASTRONAUT
WHILE
LYING IN
THE gRASS
By Leia Penina Wilson,
a UNLV grad student
working on her Ph.D.
in poetry (that doesn’t
suck)
(OR ANYWHERE ELSE)
Find a place where you can see
the stars. Is it dark enough? Find a place
where you can really see the stars.
Lie down. (We recommend a
patch of grass, but it’s really up to you.
Just don’t lie in the street. That would be
dangerous.)
Stretch your arms and legs up in
the air so you can just see them in your
peripheral vision.
Wave them smoothly and slowly,
like you’re floating in zero gravity.
Focus all your attention on the
stars above you, on the feeling of weightlessness, on the magic and mystery of the
vast and unknowable universe. Poof!
You’re an astronaut. –Sarah Feldberg
HOW TO
CLEAN YOUR goods
Americans are generally a little hit and miss when it comes to the idea of using bidets, ignoring the fact that a bidet is really just a little special shower for your goods. Maybe it’s the idea of
moving from the toilet to the bidet, in a bathroom used by many, that creates a cringe-worthy
sense of distrust. But here in Southern Nevada is a company that exists solely to offer you a
good rinse in the comfort of your toilet. With the motto “cleanliness brings happiness,” the
Boulder City-based, family-owned American Biffy Company designs and manufactures attachable bidets for your toilet. In addition to the doctor-designed Biffy Classic and Biffy Chrome
Special—each with user-adjustable water pressure and spray nozzle positioning—there are
handheld bidet sprayers, bidet warmers and accessories. Because, hygiene. –Kristen Peterson
HOW TO
Cinnamon apple:
20 LasVegasWeekly.com october 16–22, 2014
I look to the wild in
poetry, however short
or long a poem: I want
there to be wilderness—
animals, decay, struggle,
feasting, fattening,
too. I want the whole
wreckage to lick me in
the mouth—to transfer energy, movement
(every word should
move the poem forward,
making an ongoing difference). The sort of
reckless practical nature
of vultures eating dead
animals, sometimes killing them on their own,
to eat (to not be eaten)—
that’s how I know a
poem is well-written. I
want it all over me, survival. All real things are
wild—something body
happens. I’m drawn to
those poems willing
to explore that loss of
control. The uncertainty
of catastrophe—messy,
threatening, tender—
binds me. Nothing is
so meaningful as when
you lose your bearings.
What is important to
you when the apocalypse descends—the
poems I love start there,
at that eating. Your
world is gone. Here is
the new world. Here is
the new logic—“it is the
sound of goats talking
the answer is quiet robber take what you will
with vengeance” or “&
i will never die so i will
not repent/& yet when i
killed my father i frightened/you.” –As told to
Ken Miller
HOW TO
ORDER AT TACOS EL GORDO
Your virgin visit to everyone’s favorite Tijuana transplant can be a little daunting. Here’s how you can
Gordo like a pro:
Where do I go? Jump in the right line for your preferred protein. The most popular is spicy-sweet
pork adobada. At the busy Strip location, there are two adobada lines; another offers carne asada and chorizo, and a third serves more exotic meats like tongue, tripe and brain.
What is that stuff? The updated menu board conveniently explains that sesos is cow brain and buche
is pork stomach, but you might encounter more mysteries. Sopes are corn cakes topped with whatever
you want. Mulas are sort-of sandwiches, tortillas filled with meat, griddled cheese, guacamole, salsa,
onions and cilantro. A vampiro is the same, only the tortillas are extra-crispy, like a stacked tostada.
What if I want more? Oh, it’s like that? Go for the campechana fries, topped with pork, steak,
cheese, guac, peppers ... pretty much the kitchen sink. –Brock Radke
TACOS EL GORDO 3049 Las Vegas Boulevard S., 702-641-8228. Sunday-Thursday, 10 a.m.-3
a.m.; Friday & Saturday, 10 a.m.-5 a.m. 1724 E. Charleston Blvd., 702-251-8226. Sunday-Thursday,
9 a.m.-2 a.m.; Friday & Saturday, 9 a.m.-4 a.m.
HOW TO
MAKE THE PERFECT MIXTAPE
So you want to master the
art of the mixtape. It isn’t easy,
but with some planning—and
access to a legit music library—
you can make casettes so evocative and personal your loved
ones will want to buy a crappy
old Toyota just for the tape deck.
For your significant other:
Surprising your bae with a thoughtful mixtape always trumps sending flowers. String
lovey-dovey tracks of different genres
together (nothing beats a punk love song
followed by an R&B cut—try early Rancid
with FKA Twigs), and focus on memorable
lyrics. Stay away from obsessive, misogynist anthems disguised as sweet pop songs.
Nick Jonas, I’m looking at you.
For your parents: If your folks
are like mine, then their music tastes
are night and day. The trick to creating
their mixtape is to alternate between
songs at least one of them will dig, like
Ty Segall chased with Jenny Lewis.
That way mom doesn’t endure too
much Dad-rock—and she still gets her
dose of folk (bonus if Pops ends up liking your Tegan and Sara track).
For your best friend: No one
knows your BFF like you do, which is
why you’re the perfect person to give ’em
a set of new tunes. Start with an artist
you know they’ll like, then dig deeper
into your library. The secret here is keeping things upbeat. Choose songs wisely
(think Tweedy’s Sukierae or The New
Pornographers’ Bill Bruisers) and your
pal will thank you. –Leslie Ventura
HOW TO
BREAK AN
APPLE IN
HALF WITH
YOUR BARE
HANDS
This is some Superman sh*t. Tyson Anderson,
a local who finds it convenient while on outdoor
adventures, splits apples so easily you almost think
he’s cutting the fruit with his mind. The strength
of his rock-climber hands helps, but he swears it’s
about technique, finesse and picking the right victim. –Erin Ryan
HOW TO
Know your fruit:
“Generally, crisper apples
like Gala work the best, and
soft, mealy apples like Red
Delicious explode in your
hands. Even if the apple is
the right variety it can still
not work if it’s overripe.”
youtube.com/watch?v=y1potCK4sJ8
Watch the technique
Get a grip: “The first step
is to press into the bottom
of the apple with the tips of
your fingers and the top of
the apple with the backs of
your palms. When you have
enough clamping force to
keep the apple from sliding off
your palms, you can pull your
palms apart and the apple
should split.”
When apples resist: “A
primal scream definitely
helps. If you fail, you get a
whole (disfigured) apple
to yourself, so that’s not
such a bad thing.”
Gucci:
October 16–22, 2014 LasVegasWeekly.com
21
HOW TO
HOW TO
COOK
SURPRISING
EGGS
By Leslie Ventura
Sherry Landen, sous chef at Downtown
breakfast phenom Eat, shared which eggs to
cook for a variety of occasions.
Delight party guests: Egg in a basket
What you need: Eggs, bacon, bread, muffin
pan, cookie cutter How to make it: Preheat
oven to 375. Precook bacon to half done and
spray muffin pan with oil. With a cookie cutter, cut bread into circle shapes and line bottom of each muffin cup. Line cup edges with
bacon, then crack eggs on top. Season to taste
and bake for 10-12 minutes, or more if you
prefer harder-cooked eggs. Why: “It’s different. You can really present it well.” Difficulty
level: 2 (out of 5)
Impress a new significant other: Basted
What you need: Egg, non-stick skillet,
butter or oil How to make it: Add butter or
oil to skillet and allow oil to get mildly hot
(medium-low heat). Crack egg in and cook
for 30 seconds. When egg white turns from
clear to white, add 1 tbsp. water to pan and
immediately cover with lid for 1 ½ to 2 minutes. Egg is done when white is set and yolk
is firm. Landen suggests serving with roasted
potatoes, onions and peppers. Why: “Not
many people know the basted egg exists. If
you’ve done it over and over again it’s not so
hard, but it impresses other people.” Difficulty
level: 4-5
UNDERSTAND PLATO’S THEORY OF FORMS
HOW TO
A lamp is never really a real lamp, no
matter how exact a lamp it may be or how
lampily it behaves. Even the lampiest of
lamps is only a copy of the one true lamp
and can never exist as truly as an idea.
If it does, it is not pure. Transcendental
equals real. Material equals not real. We
know this as Plato’s Theory of Forms.
Seems easy enough, until you fall into
the cycle of the real/non-real game of
“what if?” You trip on linguistics and
confuse forms with definitions. And the
idea of “appleness” is just not sinking in.
That’s when you call in the experts.
In this case, it’s UNLV philoso-
DEFEND
YOUR BIKE
Defending your bike
against hooligans is kind of
like putting on a condom. Do
it wrong, and you’re f*cked.
Don’t just lock up the wheel
(duh!). And don’t use one of
those flimsy chain locks. Bike
thieves love those things—and
they carry wire-cutters.
Unless you want to walk
out of Starbucks one day
and stare down at a sad
wheel locked to a bike stand,
invest in a good lock (like
Kryptonite’s KryptoLok
Series 2 U-Lock, about $50 at
REI.com). Or, invest in some
sharks. –Leslie Ventura
phy professor Paul Schollmeier, who
begins explaining by replacing “forms”
in the Theory of Forms with “idea,” so
we understand that there is only one
idea—everything else is a reflection of it.
Apples, for example, are perishable and
impermanent, but the idea of an apple
lives eternally.
If ideas exist whether we think of
them or not, where do they exist?
“Ideas exist nowhere and no when.
When we think we discover a new idea,
what we really do is discover for ourselves an idea already existing in his
mind” (“his” referring to the demiurge, a
HOW TO
GROW CITRUS
SANS GARDEN
Potted dwarf citrus trees look so lovely in other people’s yards. Lush, decorative, healthy—and seemingly out
of reach for the not-so-savvy gardener. But Angela O’Callaghan, social horticulture specialist and associate professor for the University of Nevada Cooperative Extension, says otherwise. ¶ Plant the tree in a large pot (at least 20
inches in diameter) using soil well amended with compost and a handful of bone meal, then keep it in the sun. “You
won’t grow fruit in the shade,” she says. Water often, keeping the soil damp. The compost will allow for drainage
and give structure. ¶ Mostly, be patient. It could be year three before you see fruit: “You’re trying to grow it in this pot, which is a far cry from where it was before.
You want the plant to become accustomed to where it’s growing to produce fruit, to know that this is home.” –Kristen Peterson
HOW TO
HOW TO
BECOME DRUNK OF
THE MONTH AT DINO’S
MAINTAIN A
CONVERSATION IN
THE MOST AWKWARD
SITUATION IMAGINABLE
Being drunk in Las Vegas is not a distinction. And wearing a T-shirt proclaiming it actually
proclaims that you’re a douche. Unless that shirt was bestowed upon you at Dino’s—the mothership of all dive bars. ¶ “I’ve had people try to buy one from me. Even my kids are always like, ‘Let
me have one.’ I’m like, ‘No! I don’t even have one,’” swears Kristin Bartolo, granddaughter of Dino
and owner of his awesomely dark, karaoke-loving namesake on the Boulevard. She says that winning Drunk of the Month—which includes the shirt and a portrait on the wall for a year, plus a chance to be
named Drunk of the Year for another shirt and a $100 bar tab—isn’t about being a drunk-ass. “A lot of people on
the wall don’t even drink. It’s really a popularity contest. … It’s almost like they have to campaign, like they’re
running for prom queen or king.” ¶ Bartolo says DOTM gets regulars bonding, regulars like the guy who drinks
coffee there in the morning and beer there after work multiple times a week. You can’t be the chosen one twice,
and the honor no longer comes with a reserved parking spot (the sign got stolen five times), but this is a label so
coveted someone tried to pay Bartolo $300 for the shirt. “They’re not for sale. You have to earn it.” –Erin Ryan
There’s your proctologist,
that stranger at the bar and the
people with body odor sandwiching you in the middle seat
during a really long flight. But
perhaps there’s no more awkward situation for conversation
than a Brazilian bikini wax.
While you lie prone and pantsless in a brightly lit room, a
stranger yanks the hair from
down there with a view usually reserved for lovers and
medical professionals. Keeping
up a friendly dialogue isn’t just
impressive, it’s crucial, making a
potentially traumatizing experience into something totally tolerable, if not quite pleasant.
Which
is
why
Tricia
Hetherington is the perfect person to instruct us in the art of
small talk. Hetherington owns 14
Pretty Kitty waxing salons, has
Enjoy alone: Soft-boiled
What you need: Egg, saucepan, cold
water, ice water How to make it: Using cold
water, put entire egg (with shell on) in pan
and bring to a boil. When water begins to
boil, remove pot from burner and let sit for 4
minutes. “I ice the eggs right away in an ice
bath,” Landen says. “They come out perfect.
They’re soft. The yolk is not too runny. I like
sriracha on mine.” Why: “It’s easy! I love it.”
Difficulty level: 2-3
For three more masterful egg styles, go to
lasvegasweekly.com.
DINO’S LOUNGE 1516 Las Vegas Blvd. S., 702-382-3894. 24/7.
HOW TO
TURN UP:
22 LasVegasWeekly.com october 16–22, 2014
Platonic deity who designed and created
the world).
What about something created by
us, like a song or abstract painting? If
it’s not eternal, it’s still original, but is
it still not real and pure?
“You are asking about the problem of
the universal. For us an idea can arise
through sensation and also through
reflection. But we can never be sure that
the ideas popping up in our mind either
way are eternal and absolute. If we do
stumble upon one such idea, we could
say that we enter the mind of God.” Got
it? Good. –Kristen Peterson
HOW TO
licensed eight more and, as she
puts it, has “spun a lot of wax.”
She still helps train new aestheticians, teaching them to minimize
pain and keep up the convo, but
her advice applies to situations
where you’re wearing pants, too.
First, find some common
ground. Hetherington asks questions until she hits on something
that works: Do you have a dog?
Going anywhere for the holidays?
How about that exceedingly rare,
Sloan-area earthquake recently?
Doing the asking allows you to
control the conversation, giving
you an extra dose of confidence
that works just as well at the
bar as in the salon. And when
all else fails, Hetherington says
civilians can always resort to
something that doesn’t fly in the
hair-removal business: a good,
stiff drink. –Sarah Feldberg
SQUAD:
October 16–22, 2014 LasVegasWeekly.com
23
How to Choose a restaurant in chinatown
What are you hungry for?
Ramen, but Monta
is too busy.
The hottest
foodie spots.
Something
specific.
Just great cheap
Chinese food.
Something
Spicy?
Noodles?
Raku, Chada and Kabuto
are nationally recognized.
Have you been?
Dumplings?
Of course!
I’m no rookie.
Give me
the new stuff.
Need a wall of
wine?
Yes.
Experimental?
Yes.
These deep flavors may make
you forget
your favorite
noodle bar.
4490 Spring
Mountain Road,
702-685-1011.
The
new.
Tried
and
true.
Messy, spicy and
satisfying, Hot N
Juicy has several locations, but
the Chinatown
original is
our favorite.
4810 Spring
Mountain Road,
702-891-8889.
The hottest
Thai spot in
Chinatown
or anywhere
else, Chada
just keeps
getting better.
3400 S. Jones
Blvd. #11A,
702-641-1345.
No sushi
experience compares to the pure,
peaceful Kabuto,
where the raw
fish and the setting are both
rare finds. 5040
Spring Mountain
Road #4, 702676-1044.
YEET:
24 LasVegasWeekly.com october 16–22, 2014
Chinese.
Yes.
No.
Everything from
familiar Hong
Kong-style classics to unexpected ribeye bao
buns and
lamb spaghetti
with cream
sauce can be
found at the creative, dynamic
Wendy’s. 3401 S.
Jones Blvd.,
702-889-3288.
How do you
feel about meat
hanging on
hooks?
Meh.
Japanese.
KABUTO
No.
Wanna light
your taste buds
on fire?
HOT N JUICY
CRAWFISH
HIROMARU
RAKU
Our highly
acclaimed, wondrous Japanese
izakaya specializes
in artful small plates
and robata-grilled
meats and veggies. 5030 Spring
Mountain Road #2,
702-367-3511.
Umm ... sorta?
WENDY’S
NOODLE CAFE
Hiromaru brings
wild twists to ramen
like carbonara, red
shrimp and brown
garlic oil. 5300
Spring Mountain
Road #101,
702-534-7878.
Chef’s
choice.
Hell yeah.
HOW TO
Very.
RAMEN SORA
Vietnamese?
CHADA THAI
& WINE
How Chinese?
Wanna eat with
your hands?
No.
I’ll do the
ordering.
Sushi!
Barbecue?
Superdelicious?
No. Tell
me more!
NAME A BAND
Chinese.
Gross.
Japanese.
Sweet!
“That would be a good band name.”
It’s such an easy game to play … when
you don’t have an actual band to name.
When you do, a misstep can be the difference between the immortality of a
Fugazi, Slowdive or Talking Heads and
the infamy of a Death Cab for Cutie,
Say Hi to Your Mom or Clap Your
Hands Say Yeah.
Local rocker James Adams knows
about memorable band names, having played in Boulder City outfits
Dangerboner and Dude City before
forming his own group, Same Sex Mary.
“A name like Dangerboner always
got a response, good or bad. People
would say, I need to see Dangerboner,
see what that band is all about,” Adams
says. “When we were naming Same
Sex Mary, I was looking for something
that would also illicit an emotional
response. I misheard ‘same-sex marriage,’ and I thought Same Sex Mary
sounded funny. It doesn’t really mean
anything, but that doesn’t mean it
wasn’t well-thought-out.”
Adams and I batted around some
band names (some of his favorites:
Dead Kennedys, Explosions in the Sky
and Modest Mouse) and band-name
ideas, which helped lead me to these
critical guidelines:
Want to be even
more awesome? At
lasvegasweekly.com,
easy instructions for
maximizing your buffet
experience await!
Avoid dumb spelling and
punctuation. Portugal. The Man.
Chvrches. Iwrestledabearonce. Alt-J
(whose actual name is an unpronounceable symbol). The B-52’s (Why
the apostrophe? It isn’t possessive!)
And the worst offender, the unGoogleable !!!. With the grandfathered-in exception of Led Zeppelin,
misspelling a name on purpose isn’t
innovative—it’s lame (extra points off
to anyone even considering swapping
a “z” for an “s”). And doing weird
things with punctuation typically only
leads to lengthy newsroom conversations about the best way to style a
name in print—or whether to just
leave it out altogether.
Pop-culture references
might seem cool for a minute, but they tend to suck in
the end. Save Ferris. Sweep the
Leg Johnny. If He Dies He Dies.
Just because you really liked a
movie doesn’t mean you’ll want
to be tied to it the rest of your
life. Of course, exceptions prove
every rule (I think Mogwai’s a
solid film-spawned name;
Adams likes Jets to Brazil), and
some solid band names have
been pulled from other bands’
song titles (see: Boris, Blonde
Redhead and The Sisters of
Mercy, but again, not Death Cab
for Cutie).
Simple can be best. My
all-time favorite band name is
The Who; Adams’ is Black Flag.
They’re perfect in their clarity,
restraint and lack of ostentation.
Black Sabbath. Shellac.
Funkadelic. Misfits. You can
practically hear them in your
head, even if you don’t know
what they sound like. Just don’t
confuse simple for generic, or
you might wind up in a forest of
banality, stuck with all the
Wolves (Parade, Eyes, Mother)
and Deer (Tick, Hunter, Hoof ).
–Spencer Patterson
HOW TO
PAINT WITH SAND
Without making a sound or moving much more than her hands, Vira Syvorotkina
steals the show from the formidable cast of acrobats, dancers and clowns in Zarkana.
A projection screen above her blows up delicate, intricate works created and undone
almost in the same instant, her quick fingers, palms and forearms turning blue sand
into a luminous painting that almost breathes. Jealous? Syvorotkina has some tips:
DISTRICT
ONE
Find fun,
fusion-ish
takes on
Vietnamese
fare plus lots
of seafood at
the hip new
District One.
3400 S. Jones
Blvd. #8, 702413-6868.
DUMPLING
KING
Brand new
Dumpling King
boasts a big
menu, plus all the
steamed or panfried dumplings
you can handle.
5740 Spring
Mountain Road,
702-220-5808.
GYU-KAKU
CHINA MAMA
Japanese
barbecue
is the star
at recently
opened
Gyu-Kaku,
so come
hungry. 3550
S. Decatur
Blvd., 702816-5988.
Known for its
juicy pork soup
dumplings,
China Mama is
still one of the
best Chinese
restaurants in
the city. 3420
S. Jones Blvd.,
702-873-1977.
J&J
SZECHUAN
ASIAN BBQ &
NOODLE
Get ready for a
tongue-tingling
onslaught of
chilies and
peppercorns
when you’re
headed here.
5700 Spring
Mountain Road,
702-876-5983.
The small, always
packed Asian BBQ
& Noodle does
Chinese basics better than anybody:
wonton soup, barbecue duck and pork,
Hainanese chicken
and much more.
3400 S. Jones Blvd.
#5, 702-202-3636.
Watch YouTube. Just as it can teach you to apply makeup, it can teach you
to make roses with your fingernails. (Go straight to the source at Syvorotkina’s
channel, Bogi Arta.)
Soft, colored sand makes amazing paint, though you can use anything from
salt to ground coffee to macaroni.
Nothing is more important than backlight, because you need contrast.
Everything is a tool: nails, fingers, palms, arms, elbows.
Music makes you graceful.
Starting a piece is about “dropping” sand with power, throwing a handful
down hard so it sprays out and creates some white space.
It’s more about what you take away than what you pour.
When you do pour, grab a fistful of sand and let it run out from a small open-
HOW TO
ing that adjusts with your pinkie finger.
Practice every day, like an athlete. If you don’t work them out, your hands
won’t listen to you. –Erin Ryan
ZARKANA Aria, 855-927-5262. Friday-Tuesday, 7 & 9:30 p.m., $69-$180.
YAAAS:
October 16–22, 2014 LasVegasWeekly.com
25