Edith Windsor Julia Child

Transcription

pathfindermag.com
Edith Windsor
All the Way To the
Supreme Court
Julia Child
Recipes for Success &
the Kitchen
Support for Grieving Families
Cover Photo: Lucca, Italy (Joanne Moore)
Helpful Tips for the Holiday Season
PLUS:Faith Vicinanza’s Story
November 2015
Vol. 2 No. 1
Dental Care – Why So Important?
All I Really Want by Quinn Caldwell
Hidden Treasures by Susan Marshall
Mandalas
Internet Safety
AND MORE!
pathfindermag.com | November 2015 | PATHFINDER | 1
5 Letter from the Editor
8 Featured Widow
8
Faith Vicinanza Finds Comfort in
Kids and Poetry
By Patricia Ann Chaffee
14 In Her Honor
All the Way to the Supreme Court
By Judith Clinton
18 Humor
Thanksgiving – What Do I
Have To Be Thankful For?
By Carol Scibelli
20 Ask Jane...
How To Deal With
Difficult People During
the Holidays
By Jane Milardo, LMFT
23 Parenting
Support Is So Important
For Grieving Families
By Amy J. Barry
27 Poetry
Hidden Treasures
By Susan Marshall
28 Health & Wellness
14
2 | PATHFINDER | November 2015 | pathfindermag.com
Why Should I Care About
Flossing My Teeth When
My Husband Just Died?
By Dr. Joanne Z. Moore,
PT, DHSc, OCS
30 Widow/er Of
Pathfinder: A Companion Guide for the
Widow/er’s Journey
ISSN 2378-4040 (print)
ISSN 2378-4059 (online)
History
Julia Child – Continued
Recipe for Success After
Widowhood
By Lisa Saunders
ADVERTISING
To advertise in Pathfinder Magazine contact Joanne
Moore at [email protected].
34 Nutrition
French Recipes “à la Julia
Child”
By Rosemary Collins,
RDN
39 Entertainment
What Do You Really Want
for Christmas?
42 Expressive Arts
Mandalas As Prayer
46 Mistakes
Don’t Be a Victim – Safety
On the Internet
By Judith Clinton
SUBMISSIONS
We welcome readers to submit questions to Joanne
Moore, [email protected] and to
Jane Milardo, [email protected]
(family issues and mental health). We also welcome
your poetry and photography (Patricia Ann Chaffee,
[email protected]) for possible
publication. If you know someone who would be
an inspiration for our Featured Widow/er article, or
for our In His/Her Honor sections, please give us
(Joanne Moore, [email protected]) a
brief story, and contact information.
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Letter from the Editor:
I
had the wonderful opportunity to spend a day with 40 of you
at our Healing after Loss Retreat at the beautiful seaside Mercy Center in Madison, CT. It was our first sponsored retreat,
and our writers, Patricia Chaffee and Amy Barry, worked hard
and fussed over each detail. Our speakers were compassionate
and experienced. They led us in small group round table discussion, in therapeutic writing, yoga, tai chi, dream analysis, and in
discussions based on closing one door and opening another. Humorist Carol Scibelli was our keynote speaker, and her stories
provided the medicine of laughter. Deb Alt provided musical
interludes. I was so impressed by the honest and compassionate
conversations between the attendees. Though there were some
tears, there was also a comfortable feeling of fellowship and
community. I am so grateful for this time of rest and reflection.
At this time of harvest, it is our custom to count our blessings. I believe that an “attitude of gratitude” is the foundation of
a soul at peace. Sometimes that’s hard when we are feeling sad,
lonely, or angry. It’s hard to feel grateful when we are feeling fatigued and overwhelmed. But if we are
feeling some of those emotions, it must be because we lost someone good. So the one thing that we can be
grateful for is the time that we did have with our spouse or partner. Let’s just start with that. Take some time
to remember and appreciate those years that you had together. Try to remember the joy that you felt when
you first met, and when you experienced life’s milestones like the birth of a child. Go back through your
photo album. Maybe even try to write a caption for the photos and create a scrapbook for your coffee table.
During this time of memory, try to feel what you were feeling at the time of the photo. I listened to Vice
President Joe Biden address a group of families who had lost a family member in Iraq/Afghanistan. He
shared his experience of loss, and reassured these families that there would come a time when they would
smile instead of cry when they spoke his/her name. There would come a time when the positive memories
would overpower today’s grief. So start by solidifying the memories.
At this Thanksgiving, I wish for you an acute awareness of the good that has been. Those memories
are precious. There will come a time to build on them, to continue the themes that are meaningful. But for
now, just savor the good feelings that the memories provide.
This is an exciting issue of Pathfinder: A Companion Guide for the Widow/er’s Journey. Patricia
Chaffee introduces us to Faith Vicinanza. Judith Clinton introduces us to Edith Windsor and her difficulties after the loss of her partner. We learn the stories behind Julia Child how she managed after the loss of
her very special husband. Rosemary Collins stays with the theme with her French food recipes. Then we
address the holiday season, with Jane Milardo’s take on how to deal with difficult people, and with Amy
Barry’s look at COVE, a program that supports children who have lost a parent. We tend to our spirituality
with mandalas. Our health and wellness addresses dental care. (Dental care? – yes, so easy to neglect, and
yet so easy to prevent expensive procedures).
This is our first digital-only edition. I hope you find it easy to read, and easy to share with your friends.
We are providing free subscriptions for 3 months in an effort to reach more readers. So please share generously!
Peace and Blessings,
Dr. Joanne Z. Moore,
Publisher
Pathfinder Staff
EDITOR & FOUNDER
Dr. Joanne Z. Moore, PT, DHSc, OCS
[email protected]
Dr. Joanne Z. Moore
is a physical therapist
who was widowed in
2009 at the age of 57.
Her professional experience has taught her to
value life at every stage,
despite tragedy. She has
observed people learning to adapt to a new paradigm of life after serious
injury and degenerative diseases. She has learned
that the people who are happiest are the people
who can find the good in new situations. She drew
upon this experience to develop a philosophy of
life to guide this stage.
As the publisher of Pathfinder: A Companion
Guide for the Widow/er’s Journey, she is meeting
many widow/ers who have learned to live well after loss. Each person brings a unique philosophy
to this chapter of life. She has been inspired by
the creativity of artists, politicians, teachers, and
by historical figures. She is excited about sharing
their stories so that others might find the courage
to explore their possibilities.
Editorial Staff: Irene Moore, MSW, Professor of
Family and Community Medicine, University of
Cincinnati.
WRITERS
Amy J. Barry
[email protected]
Amy J. Barry is
a professional writer,
reviewer, and awardwinning
columnist.
She is also the author
of the children’s book
A Child’s Grief Journey, a Hospice-trained
bereavement counselor, and a certified expressive
arts educator. Amy lives on the Connecticut shoreline with her husband and assorted pets, and has
two young adult sons. You can visit Amy at www.
aimwrite-ct.net.
Patricia Ann Chaffee
[email protected]
Patricia Ann Chaffee
is a poet, photographer,
freelance writer and
former journalist. She
facilitates Creating a
Writing Life programs
for emerging writers and
designs workshops and
retreats to nourish the
soul, awaken the muse and celebrate the creative
life. To learn more, visit www.PatriciaAnnChaffee.
com.
Rosemary Collins, RDN
[email protected]
Rosemary Collins
is a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist with
the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics
since 2009. She works
freelance and offers
nutritional counseling
to clients looking to
improve both their health and fitness with easy
and practical dietary changes. Before moving
to the USA she worked in the UK, so you may
notice that some of her recipes have a British
influence!
Jane Milardo, LMFT
[email protected]
Jane Milardo, LMFT is a licensed Marriage
and Family Therapist who has been practicing for
24 years in a variety of treatment settings includ-
ing inpatient and outpatient psychiatric, day
treatment,
residential
treatment, and substance
abuse rehabilitation. She
is currently the owner
of Synergy Counseling
Center, LLC, in Niantic, CT. She received her
B.A. at Hobart and William Smith Colleges in Geneva, NY, and her Masters in Marriage and Family
Therapy at Southern CT State University in New
Haven, CT.
Lisa Saunders
[email protected]
Lisa Saunders is an
award-winning writer
and TV host living in
Mystic, Connecticut,
with her husband. A
graduate of Cornell
University,
she
is
author of several books
and winner of the
National Council for
Marketing & Public Relations Gold Medallion.
She works as a part-time history interpreter at
Mystic Seaport, is an instructor at New London
Adult and Continuing Education, and writes for
several clients. As the parent representative of
the Congenital CMV Foundation and member
of the Daughters of the American Revolution,
she has spoken on a variety of topics at venues
including Cornell University, West Point
Museum, The Washington Independent Writers
Association, and USA 9 News. Visit Lisa at
www.authorlisasaunders.com.
Carol Scibelli
[email protected]
Carol Scibelli is
a humor writer and
popular speaker for
all occasions. She’s a
sought after performer
at grief conferences
because she’s irreverent
and funny! Her book,
POOR WIDOW ME is
available on Amazon
and on her website, www.carolscibelli.com.
She’s had her humorous essays published in The
New York Times, Newsday, the Hartford Courant
and dozens of weekly publications. A proud
member of the Friars Club since 1998, she has
a grown daughter and son and three fun loving
granddaughters. Carol lives in Manhattan with
her Morkie, Tony Baloney. They rescued each
other.
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Featured Widow
Faith Vicinanza
finds comfort
in kids and poetry
F
aith Vicinanza published her first poem in
the Republican-American newspaper when
she was in third grade and didn’t publish
another for 40 years. Her mother was a poet but
was very “Hallmark” in her work where Faith is
very free form. She admits to picking up a love of
poetry from that exposure to her mother’s work
and started writing seriously as a way to deal with
misfortune in her life.
“I have done a lot of work in my life to have
some emotional balance and perspective on things.
But my early work had a lot to do with my father
being a very dysfunctional human being. A lot of
artists, in my experience come to art as a way to
exorcise their demons,” she says.
with myself, with family and friends, and writing
is my partner.”
Writing provides perspective for her and reading what other people write and then writing herself and being involved in writing communities
gives her balance. She didn’t have much time to
write while raising three kids, but has been writing seriously now for the past 30 years, since she
was in her early 30’s. She is 61 years old.
Faith is an accomplished poet who has been
widely published and is the author of four collections of poetry. She has been a poet laureate
nominee, a Pushcart Prize nominee and was the
2003 recipient of the Connecticut Commission on
the Arts Advocate for the Arts Award. She was in-
(l-r) Faith Vicinanza; Faith & Peter on a biking trip; Faith &
Peter; Faith Vicinanza.
Although her early work was about her father,
writing in general, particularly poetry, has become
a comfort, and a healing practice. Her brother took
his own life when he was 43 years old and she
wrote a series of poems to deal with that grief.
When her husband Peter died in 2007, they had
been together 20 years. Again she immersed herself in poetry, writing continuously for a year after.
“Here I am eight years widowed, and still on
the anniversary of his death or if I’m feeling sad
or grieving that loss, writing is my comfort,” says
Faith. “So I come to writing more out of a desire
to be in a healthy relationship, with the writing,
volved in bringing slam poetry to Connecticut in
1993 and ran the slam for over 10 years. Whenever she got involved in poetry communities, she
found herself supporting other writers and not doing so much writing herself. The past ten years she
has been more focused on her own writing rather
than creating events and programs for other writers. Now she is focused on her own projects.
“I’ve been writing a memoir,” says Faith. “In
2005 Peter and I bicycled from St. Petersburg
Florida to Canada. We carried everything. I kept a
blog. We were on the road for 98 days riding 2500
miles. It was a pretty amazing experience.” Before
they left for their trip, they had decided to make
but still live your life. You live with one foot in the
light and one foot in the dark. This grieving and
melancholy I call the underworld. Some people go
there and never come out. Others do everything
they can to resist feeling that way because they’re
afraid of it. But there is something to be gained.
And for me, writing is a portal that provides me
access to go back and forth between those two
worlds. Maybe it’s something as simple as gratitude, or re-commitment to do something with my
life. I have learned not to force the art or poem
or photograph but to give myself to it and it will
go where it goes. Poetry is an awakening to the
unconscious, a conversation with myself and it is
always interesting to see where I end
up. It definitely guides me, like keepPoetry by Faith Vicinanza
ing a journal. So much can be gained.”
Faith just shows up at the page, and
(untitled)
without forcing it, enters into the mystery of each poem bringing her into a
place that is more insightful, more inHalf dreaming, I hear my name, more echo
trospective.
than speech. It is Death, no doubt – my name
Faith and Peter were each divorced
a query on his tongue, then silence
when they met. She was developing a
sales team and Peter was one of them.
as he waits, patient, for my answer.
She was a project manager in the field
of information technology and her
Were it your voice, I’d come this winter night
team was going to be made up of seven
from this pretense of sleep, barefoot,
consultants. Being an aggressive interviewer, she asked him, “Why should I
hem of nightgown adrift in the snow.
hire you?”
Days bulk up, become weeks, months,
He was arrogant, she remembers.
He smiled and was a brilliant man with
his 172 IQ and answered, “Because
gather a chill in the lining of their coats,
you’re not going to find anyone betand should they find me wandering, alone
ter than me.” She liked this. He just sat
in darkness, they will tender a promise
there, comfortable, calm, cool and colof comfort in their wintry arms – a promise
lected. He was hired. A year later he
invited her to the theater. They became
very good friends. Fourteen years her
of sleep, where I might hear your voice
senior, Peter was not the kind of guy
whisper my name.
she usually went for. She liked the bad
some changes to simplify their life including selling their house of 15 years. They returned home
in August of that year and in December, Peter was
diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. Peter lived for
20 months.
Within the first couple years after Peter died,
Faith went on pilgrimages to India and South Africa. She even did a Vision Quest, a Native American tradition aimed at helping one discern spiritual
guidance and purpose, often done to help with life
transitions. She was trying desperately to figure
out what she was going to do with her life.
“The grief can be paralyzing. And the challenge is figuring out, how to honor and remember,
boys, younger ones. She had just broken up with
someone who was 27 years old, who had proposed to her. Peter asked her out. They started dating which went on for two years with no one the
wiser at work. They got married in May 1997. She
was no longer allowed to sign his time sheet.
Life was interesting as two lives merged.
Negotiating became a daily affair between their
tastes in furniture, décor and design and her three
kids. Both were art lovers with different and distinct tastes. He liked white walls, contemporary
and modern, and she appreciated the beauty in refurbishing antique furniture.
“There was a lot of negotiating,” says Faith,
“Usually around kids and around money. He was
financially comfortable and I was more frugal.
“What I miss most is that he was my best
friend. He was the best friend I ever had. I could
tell him anything. He went out of his way to cater to me, and that doesn’t make someone your
friend, but he was a good listener and I could say
anything to him. The one thing he wouldn’t accommodate me in and we argued a lot about it,
was that I wanted another child. I was in my 30’s.
He wanted no part of it. I wanted his child. He
had two kids from a previous marriage. Peter was
essentially a father to my three kids. There was a
special commitment he had to me.”
The first year after he died Faith wrote about
him often, publishing a collection of grief poems
titled, Husband. Her involvement with poetry programs is very limited now. One of the key things
You spend a whole day with third graders and it wakes you
up. It provided balance. It saved my life. It doesn’t make the
grief go away but it certainly provides solace. After Peter
died I spent a lot of time with my 13 grandchildren. They
provided me with a place to find joy.
We had a couple of significant fights about things.
The one thing that happened to me out of our marriage is that Peter would do anything to support
my work as a writer. He showed up at my readings
and workshops and supported every aspect of my
work. The writer that I am is because of him.”
Eventually he started doing his own writing.
What he gave her was the ability to lead a more
conservative and more thoughtful life. What she
gave him was the ability to accept himself creatively. He was always in his head and she was
always in her heart. He lived from a place of intellect and she lived from her emotions and creative
side. This was a challenge but they balanced each
other.
that she did, was take custody of a three year old
grandson. “I think that children are a life raft when
you’re lost.”
When her brother died back in 2001 she was
completely depressed and didn’t even want to
leave the house. She was invited to teach third
graders as a visiting artist for 13 weeks in Bridgeport.
“I tell you what…you spend a whole day with
third graders and it wakes you up. It provided balance. It saved my life. It doesn’t make the grief go
away but it certainly provides solace. After Peter
died I spent a lot of time with my 13 grandchildren. They provided me with a place to find joy.”
She dropped out of everything when Peter
was ill, taking care of him took all her time and
for a five year period, she was just unavailable.
Once she started to find some balance again she
chose not to fill her schedule to overflowing. The
things I do now are collaborative efforts. Once a
month she co-hosts a poetry program at The Spoken Word in Waterbury but she says she’s not out
there creating events.
“I really want to get my memoir done. I have
the support of friends and peer groups that I belong to. She works full time as an information
services consultant, teaching companies to implement better security to prevent data breaches and
has worked in the information technology field for
40 years.
When Peter was sick, they burned through
Poetry by Faith Vicinanza
his retirement money and life savings. There
were huge medical bills after he died and Faith
Husband
is disheartened by the way society has not addressed issues that are all too common. “One of
the real complications in the way society works
is that if you have survived a spouse that has
Peculiar – how love finds us
been dealing with long term illness, you are
looking at our shoes, the starry sky,
exhausted as a caregiver and often you have
to take a significant financial hit. So you lose
the wind turning leaves in the trees,
your best friend and you are underwater finanbut not for a man to love us,
cially. I fought the bank for two years to stay
out of foreclosure. Things are not wired in our
systems to find stability and be nurtured in this
to love me.
loss. You just lost your partner and now you’re
going to lose everything else too. It’s not the
way life should be.”
“About writing poetry, I think it’s unavoidAt first, you were the father figure,
able that grief has to have a place to manifest.
fourteen years my senior. It wasn’t
It just has to. If it doesn’t manifest in your art,
if it doesn’t manifest in your friendships, it
an undeniable love – will manifest internally. Grief kills people,”
not at first.
says Faith. “To me, writing poetry was medicine. It had to manifest somewhere. Writing
for me was my life raft. It was very healing.
It was, in time, predictable,
I was angry for a long time. Peter had fought
for a long time. He was tired of the fight and
comfortable, warm. It was, in time,
I didn’t want him to give up. Hospice said,
“You need to let him go.” I was angry at Peter
an undeniable friendship.
because I didn’t want him to leave. I have forIn time, it was
given him now. It took a while. I can’t imagine
a better friend than he was. I felt like he should
have given me what I wanted. He should have
unshakable.
stayed longer.”
In Her Honor
By Judith Clinton
All the Way
to the
Supreme Court
T
heirs was a love that
just wouldn’t die. It
kept its fire right up to
the end when Thea Spyer finally
lost her battle with the slow and
debilitating disease of multiple
sclerosis in 2009. Edith Windsor
cared for Thea with all the love
and devotion any spouse provides their beloved partner of
44 years as their light starts to
go out. Like a flame on a candle,
however, Edie kept carrying that
light forward – in her honorThea Spyer & Edith Windsor
with all the spirit and inspiration
case to the Supreme Court. Windsor appealed,
of Joan of Arc leading the forces
and won. In 2011, the Supreme Court agreed to
of France to victory.
Married couples, according to the federal hear her challenge to the Defence of Marriage
Act – a decision Windsor said, “Made her deliritax code, can transfer money or property from
spouse to spouse upon death without triggering
ous with joy.”
estate taxes (the “unlimited marital deduction”).
At the time Thea and Edie engaged in 1967,
But gay couples, after the Defence of Marriage
they never dreamed they would be able to marry.
Act DOMA, a 1996 federal statute, have no such The pair met in Portofino, a restaurant in Greenrights, even if the marriage is recognized by their wich Village. It was all about dancing then.
state of residence, as Edie and Thea’s was by They would often go to parties and just dance.
New York. It was not simply because she was orAs Windsor tells it, they danced until she got a
dered to pay $363,000 in estate taxes because the hole in her stocking. For two years they continfederal government did not recognise the pair’s
ued to go dancing until they finally started datmarriage based on DOMA; it was much, much
ing. Spyer proposed to Windsor in 1967, with a
more than that. It was about love, and the right brooch rather than a ring – Windsor and NYUto cherish, honor, and protect the one you had trained mathematician and fast-rising IBM promade the promise to. Those are not just empty grammer, just back from a fellowship at Harvard
words and phrases, platitudes from across the University, did not want to face questions from
ages. They are commitments and promises we all
co-workers about the husband-to-be.
try so hard to keep, some more successfully than
The couple moved into an apartment on Fifth
others. Those that do hang in there and make it by
Avenue, near Washington Square in Manhattan,
the side of their spouse to their last breathe unwhere Windsor still lives, and bought a house
derstand all too well what it takes. They know it
together in Southampton, Long Island. Windis no easy fete. To honor them means to continue
sor rose to the highest technical position within
to be inspired by their spirit long after they have
IBM, and Spyer, a psychology PhD from Adelpassed, and so it was in Thea Spyer’s honor that
phi University, saw patients in their apartment.
Edith Windsor marched forth and appealed her
In the years following the Stonewall riots they
Edith Windsor
both marched and demonstrated for equal rights.
Even shortly before Thea died, Edie gave a
rousing speech at a rally on the steps of City Hall
in Manhattan: “Married is a magic word, and it
is magic throughout the world. It has to do with
our dignity as human beings, to be who we are
openly. People see us differently. We heard from
hundreds of people, from every stage of our lives,
pouring out congratulations. Thea looks at her
ring every day and thinks of herself as a member of a special species that can love and couple,
‘until death do us part.’” Windsor’s lawyers contended DOMA denigrates Edie and Thea’s “loving, committed relationship that should serve as
a model for all couples.” Edie and Thea not only
talked the talk, they walked the walk and when
Thea was no longer walking on this earth, Edie
walked forth in her honor.
In the award-winning 2009 documentary
film, Edie and Thea: A Very Long Engagement,
by Susan Muska and Greta Olafsdottir, Thea
stated, “We immediately just fit – our bodies fit.”
Of Thea, Edie said, “She was beautiful, it
was joyful, and that didn’t go away.”
In 2007, the day after Thea learned from
her doctors that she had about one year left to
live Thea and Edie agreed they should get married while they still had time, and Thea still had
the energy to travel to Canada where same-sex
marriage had become legal. So they flew off to
Canada to tie the knot. Accompanied by six of
their friends, Thea 75 and Edie 77 were married
in Toronto by Canada’s first openly gay judge,
justice Harvey Brownstone – one milestone after
another.
Thea’s health continued to deteriorate. Edie
eventually took leave of her position with IBM
and became Thea’s full-time care giver. Getting
ready for bed could take an hour, preparing to
leave the house in the morning three or four.
Two years later, in 2009, Thea was gone. Not
only did Edie suffer grief as anyone does when
they lose the love of their life, in set back after
set back, she suffered a heart attack, then the
demand that she pay the $363,000.00 in federal
estate taxes. Even though two lower courts had
already ruled that it was unconstitutional for
Windsor to have to pay the $363,000 in federal
estate taxes, it would be necessary for Edie to
start selling her belongings so she could meet
the Federal government’s demand that she pay
the bill. This was not easy. In fact, it was very,
very difficult and in Edie’s mind, very, very
Supreme Court on June 26, 2013 in a landmark
decision; A decision that has had and will continue to have an enormous impact on the lives
of millions of gay married couples throughout
the country.
In the wake of the U.S. Supreme Court ruling
the Obama Administration and several federal executive departments and agencies such as the Office of Personnel Management, began to extend
federal rights, privileges and benefits to married
same-sex couples by changing regulation in order to conform with the Supreme Court decision
in Windsor: Most importantly, as a result of the
Windsor decision, married same-sex couples –
regardless of domicile, have tax benefits which
Those that do hang in there and make it by the side of their
spouse to their last breathe understand all too well what it
takes. To honor them means to continue to be inspired
by their spirit long after they have passed, and so it was in
Thea Spyer’s honor that Edith Windsor marched forth and
appealed her case to the Supreme Court.
wrong and unnecessary as far as she was concerned. After all, Thea and Edie were married.
She felt she should inherit without penalty just
like other widows. She felt the federal government was treating them differently from other
marrieds. She lived on a fixed income and it
wasn’t easy for her to comply. It felt like a punishment. She was always thinking of Thea, the
life they had shared together, the deep love they
had given each other over the years and though
she was now 83, tired and not strong physically,
she felt the need to continue to fight the good
fight in Thea’s honor. Onward she fought. Then,
lo and behold, she finally won! She won at the
include the previously unavailable ability to file
joint tax returns with the IRS, military benefits,
federal employment benefits for employees of
the US Government and immigration benefits.
Although every day efforts are being made
to thwart the changes the new law has created
giving same sex marriage couples the rights they
are entitled to, it is due in large measure to the
efforts of Thea and Edith Windsor and the love
they shared. Windsor said. “It’s enormously satisfying and fulfilling and exciting to be where we
are now. I think she’d (Thea) be so proud and
happy and just so pleased at how far we have
come.”
Humor
“THANKSGIVING
– WHAT DO I HAVE TO BE
THANKFUL FOR?”
By Carol Scibelli
oliday time begins with Thanksgiving. It
should be mandatory for first and second
year widows/ers to shout out, “What do I
have to be thankful for?” Go ahead. Embrace your
bitterness!
Or, if you can pull this off smoothly, while
Aunts and cousins are taking turns announcing
they are thankful for their husband’s promotion or
for their gorgeous new home it is the perfect time
to broadcast that your husband has also changed
addresses. He now lives with God. And, he recently earned his wings. That came to you in a dream,
but so what?
Loved ones never touched by tragedy will insist you have both drumsticks and all the peach
pie you can eat. Enjoy because by year three your
celebratory spirit will most likely kick back in.
The yams with marshmallows will taste almost as
sweet as when your family was in tact.
If you’re dating now and you ask the host to
bring your new plus one for Thanksgiving dinner
just know that this year you’ll have to concede the
drumstick to Aunt Edna. Her husband died in August. And, anyway, your widow card has expired.
Even though nine Thanksgivings have passed
since my husband Jimmy has, holidays spark my
memories. Will I ever look at a turkey on a platter
H
again and not think of the year my husband proudly
trotted out the turkey and in full view of everyone
seated and salivating, the bird slid off the platter
and splattered all over the dining room floor?
Cool and collective, my husband picked up the
turkey, put him back on the platter and on the way
back to the kitchen announced, “I’ll just bring out
the other turkey.”
Naturally, the ‘second’ turkey was presented
to the crowd already sliced. Nice job, hubby.
Thanksgiving straight through New Year’s
(when everyone’s resolution is to lose the 10
pounds we just put on) we tend to eat extra and
with greater gusto.
But, hold on here! We lost our spouse. Aren’t
we entitled to wolf down 14 potato latkes? And,
when Uncle George brings the kids a chocolate
turkey so big it’s practically clucking, we have a
responsibility to teach them to share, don’t we?
After all, we’re the Last Grandparent Standing!
Stuffing our faces is our way of saying we are
doing our best to keep up the holiday spirit. Since
some of us are back on the market, though, we may
resist putting on the pounds. A study from the doctors at the Tel Aviv Sourasky Medical center has
discovered that the music we listen to while we eat
may affect the weight we put on or don’t put on.
Holiday time begins with
Thanksgiving. It should
be mandatory for
first and second year
widows/ers to shout
out, “What do I have
to be thankful for?”
Go ahead. Embrace your
bitterness!
They measured the energy expenditure of 20
infants born preterm while listening to Mozart in
their incubator. The findings showed Mozart lowered by at least 10% the
quantity of energy they
used. This means the babies may have been able
to increase their weight
faster.
This screams out:
Do not listen to Mozart!
You may be in danger of
gaining weight. Turn on
I’ll Be Home For Christmas even if it depresses
you!
So, go ahead and
have that fifth glass of
eggnog. Just be sure that
when you lift your glass
to make a toast the background music is lowbrow, like Grandma Got
Run Over By A Reindeer. By the way, I used
to think that song was
funny...until I became a
Grandma.
Ask Jane
How to Deal With Difficult
People During the Holidays
By Jane Milardo, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
A
ll of us have had the experience of dealing
with difficult people.
It often happens when we’re unprepared, and we’re taken aback by how rude, argumentative, or domineering some people can be.
They might be strangers we encounter in public,
acquaintances we meet in the course of our day, or
sometimes even our own relatives or friends! This
is especially the case over the holidays, when most
people are under a great deal of stress preparing for
Christmas or Hanukkah. The myth about the holidays is that everyone feels celebratory, and everyone is enjoying themselves, but in reality that’s not
the case. Many people feel stress about the expectations of the holidays, what with shopping, cooking,
decorating, wrapping gifts and mailing them, filling out holiday cards, and entertaining, etc. The list
could go on and on! The incessant holiday music
everywhere you go makes you feel like you should
be happy, even as you feel empty and lost. This year
is completely different, since it’s the first holiday
season without your spouse. Most likely you were
dreading the holidays because the last thing you
feel like doing is celebrating.
Unfortunately, family and friends may not have
realized that your life has changed completely, and
that you are not ready to celebrate yet, especially if
they have not lost a spouse themselves. If you don’t
feel like being the hostess of the party this year, your
siblings or children who usually come to your house
for the holiday dinner may need to be told that you’re
not up to it. It’s alright to admit that to yourself, and
to others. You need time to grieve, and to adjust to
how things will be different from now on.
It’s also ok to come up with new traditions. For
example, you could go out to dinner as a family.
If you don’t really want to cook, that’s what caterers are for. If your family thinks that going out to
dinner or hiring a caterer is not good enough for
their holiday, suggest that another family member
make the meal, and you’ll be happy to attend. It’s
important for you to be able to say no, firmly but
respectfully.
There may be a friend who thinks you need to
stop living in the past, and move on with your life.
That attitude actually says more about the friend’s
inability to handle your grief than it does yours.
They don’t want to hear it or are unable to respond,
so they try to shut down your expressions of grief
by telling you that you need to move on. If that
friend continues to be so insensitive to your feelings, then it may be best to associate yourself with
others who do understand, such as the members of
a bereavement group. This is the beauty of support
groups, everyone shares the same issue.
Perhaps boxes of holiday decorations are sitting in your attic, and you haven’t wanted to take
them down. You don’t want a tree this year, and
you don’t want to shop for anyone. Being in a mall
might feel empty and meaningless to you right now.
Don’t do what you don’t want to do. Don’t decorate
if you don’t feel motivated to do so, even if others
think you should. It doesn’t mean you’re a negative
person, it only means you’re grieving.
Friends and relatives who don’t agree with you
ought to at least respect how you feel. Grief is an
experience that can’t be fully understood by those
who haven’t experienced it. But when a friend
or relative is critical of how you’re dealing with
your grief, you may feel that you need to bite your
tongue, either out of loyalty, or fear of conflict.
Uncle Harry might be a know-it-all who thinks
there’s a simple answer to every problem, and he
tells you just to “get over it and move on.” You may
think, “He has no idea how I feel!” and of course,
you’re right. You can be left feeling bitter and resentful.
Great Aunt Matilda may have a grudge against
another member of the family, which she never fails
to bring up at every family gathering, and she tries
to engage you in complaining with her. Such issues
seem petty to you, and you’d be wise to change the
subject. She may be irritated, but she’ll get the message.
Remember, their attitudes say more about them
than they do about you or anyone else. You may
want to keep your distance from people like these
for awhile to avoid more hurt feelings, but try to
remind yourself that their statements most likely
come from ignorance, not malice. Uncle Harry and
Great Aunt Matilda simply don’t understand what
you’re experiencing.
Keep firm boundaries between yourself and
those whose temperament makes you feel more
stressed right now. Your priority needs to be taking
care of yourself, being gentle with yourself, and respecting yourself and where you are in the grieving
process; not pleasing others. Maybe you’re uncomfortable with this idea, as you’ve never really put
yourself first before, but now is the time to do so.
Maybe you’re someone who has a hard time
saying no, even when you feel strongly about
something. Saying no to what we don’t want is part
of self-respect. If you don’t want to go to a Christmas Eve party, decline politely, but firmly. Thank
the host or hostess for thinking of you, but let them
know that for this year, you’d prefer to be at home.
Then you can make an alternate plan, something
that is comforting to you, like a good book, soft music, a favorite blanket, a movie, or inviting a friend
who is also alone over. Doing something nice for
someone else is a great way to relieve some of our
own sadness. Will you get through the holiday better by staying home, or by being elsewhere? Only
you can know that.
Then there are the harried clerks in the grocery
store, trying to check out throngs of impatient customers, customer service staff in the department
store, who are overwhelmed by extra work and
don’t have time to help you, drivers and pedestrians all in a frantic rush to get where they’re going.
The streets and all public places seem like complete
chaos to you. Feeling the way you do, the smallest
lack of consideration by somone could cause you
to dissolve into tears in the middle of the mall. Your
feelings are raw, and people can be inconsiderate
when they’re in a hurry. Why put yourself through
it?
You’re under no obligation to buy gifts, cook
food, plan a party or attend one, decorate, or put up
a tree. The only obligation you have right now is
to yourself. If others have expectations of you, and
insist you celebrate the holidays like you always
have, remind them that your life has changed profoundly, and that you need time to adjust. Suggest
alternative plans or new traditions. Let them know
what you would be comfortable doing this year,
and then stick to your decision. If they become argumentative, excuse yourself and make your exit.
This year, avoid the people who will make you
nervous or make you feel worse, and instead seek
out the company of supportive friends. Remember,
there are plenty of others who feel as you do, people
who understand; they’re people who have also lost
a spouse this year. You may have met them through
a bereavement group. Call one of them up and suggest you make plans together. Or perhaps you might
want to suggest the group itself plan a get-together
for the holidays, so you can share the company of
others you don’t have to pretend in front of.
Be yourself, seek the company of gentler people, focus on your spirituality, meditate, but most
of all, honor how you feel. And keep in mind that
negative feelings will change in time. They always
do. This too shall pass.
If you have questions or comments, email them
to me at [email protected].
Parenting
Support
Is So Important for
Grieving Families
By Amy J. Barry
N
ot so long ago, a grieving family had nowhere to turn for guidance and support
after the death of a loved one. Luckily,
the critical need for grief support for children and
families is now recognized and programs are provided in many states to help families process their
grief and begin to heal.
The Cove for Grieving Children in Connecticut
is truly a shelter from the storm for the bereaved.
It was one of the country’s first support groups
for young people. In seven locations throughout
the state—and growing—the 20-week program
is held two Sundays a month for kids ages 4 to
17 and their parents or caretakers. A clinical social worker is the site director at each Cove, and
trained volunteers act as facilitators. There is no
charge to attend.
According to Mary Andersen, executive director of The Cove, the reason it’s so important that
programs like this exist for grieving children is
Families are gathered
together in an opening
ceremony at one of The Cove
For Grieving Children sites.
(The Cove for Grieving Children)
because children and teens who have unresolved
grief have significantly lower academic achievement, substance abuse, higher school drop-out
rates, depression, and issues with violence and aggression than their peers.
Mary explains that what The Cove does is
therapeutic versus therapy and gives children a
safe place to express their feelings among those in
their age group.
“It normalizes the grief experience because
they see others grieving the death of a parent, sibling, teacher, friend, and see that other children
are also grieving,” she says.
And parents also greatly benefit from the program.
“It really provides an education as well for
parents on how they can support their child’s
grieving and healing processes and also supplies
a network of other grieving families that can provide support for each other,” Mary says. “Parents
who have been in The Cove for a while can act as
mentors for other parents. It’s the same with the
kids who have moved on to be junior facilitators.”
Everyone participates in an opening and closing ceremony and shares a meal together. In between, children meet in peer groups by age with
a Cove facilitator and do age-appropriate activi-
ties. Simultaneously, parents and caregivers meet
together with the site director, who educates them
about their child’s grieving process and explains
the activities in which the children will be participating.
Mary notes that 70 to 80 percent of Cove activities are arts based: movement, sculpture, painting, journaling, poetry, music, video, etc.
“We allow children the opportunity to express
their feelings in a safe environment, share their
artwork, and explain what it represents to them,”
Mary says. “We’ll give them a theme: ‘What does
anger look like?’ ‘What does healing look like?’
It’s about accessing feelings and finding avenues
for expressing those feelings.”
Mary stresses that The Cove also provides
ways to strengthen families and improve family
communication.
“Often in a family environment, you’re protecting each other,” she says. “Sometimes painful feelings won’t be addressed because family
members don’t want to upset each other, although
sometimes [addressing those feelings] is what’s
needed the most. Sometimes we find families
say their children aren’t expressing their feelings
about the death and then come into The Cove and
immediately start expressing their feelings.”
The grief journey is an ongoing process and
Mary says that Cove facilitators regularly check in
on how the family is doing, asking, “What did the
family look like before the death, and what does it
look like now, and how has that changed?”
“We provide tools for healing and understanding,” she says. “This is what a ‘new normal’ looks
like for your family. It’s about learning coping
skills, sharing, and learning from others, and realizing you’re not alone in this process.”
Camp Erin: A Getaway for Grieving Kid
Camp Erin is the largest nationwide network
of free bereavement camps for children and teens
ages 6-17 who have experienced the death of
someone close to them.
To date, the weekend-long overnight camp
has 46 locations in the U.S. and was created and
funded by the Moyer Foundation in memory of
Erin Metcalf, a 17-year-old girl who died in 2000
and was a close friend of Jamie Moyer (former
All-Star pitcher for the Seattle Mariners) and the
Moyer family. The camps are held different weekends in each state throughout the summer.
In 2013 the Moyer Foundation gave The Cove
Center for Grieving Children a grant to launch
Camp Erin in Connecticut. The Camp, facilitated by Cove professionals and trained volunteers
is held each year in early June, hosted by Camp
Awosting in Morris, CT.
A dad and his daughter are
working on a family writing
activity at The Cove.
(The Cove for Grieving Children)
“The purpose is to allow fun camp experiences in addition to bereavement processing,” Mary
notes.
To find a Camp Erin location near you visit
https://www.moyerfoundation.org/programs/
CampErin.
A Family’s Personal Story of Healing
When 16-month-old Gavin died suddenly
three years ago, it was a devastating blow to his
family. Doctors did not know why the happy,
seemingly healthy little boy died, although they
were given a name for what happened: the Sud-
den, Unexplained Death of a Child (SUDC).
Gavin is survived by his parents, Suzanne and
Michael LaBella; his twin sister, Maris; and older
sister Gia, who was almost six years old at the
time of Gavin’s death.
“Since Gavin died suddenly—and even when
you’re prepared, it’s always sudden—the first
couple of months we were in a daze, trying to figure out what happened and where we belonged,”
Suzanne recalls.
“Maris was obviously very young, but Gia had
lots of questions, and we were in our own world,
“The reason it’s so important
that programs like this
exist for grieving children
is because children and
teens who have unresolved
grief have significantly lower
academic achievement,
substance abuse, higher
school drop-out rates,
depression, and issues with
violence and aggression
than their peers.”.
trying to figure out what to do, what this new
world looked like.”
“Gia would talk to anyone who would listen—
the butcher in the grocery store, a stranger on the
street,” Michael adds.
“Some people would know what to say and
others were awkward and didn’t believe her. People don’t always believe a child,” Suzanne says.
And as wonderful as the school was in response to their sorrow, the couple agrees that they
didn’t really know what to say or do for Gia.
So, Suzanne started googling `and didn’t come
up with anything that would be helpful to Gia or
the family as a whole.
“We looked into therapy, but she was so
young, we didn’t think it was the right thing to do
and I didn’t want to send Gia off to some therapist
A child has painted the word
“Daddy” on a garden steppingstone during an art activity at
The Cove. (The Cove for Grieving Children)
To find out more about The Cove,
visit covect.org online or call 203634-0500. To find a support group
for grieving children in another
state, contact The National Alliance
for Grieving Children (www.
nationalallianceforgrievingchildren.
org), which lists all bereavement
agencies in the U.S.
without me,” Suzanne says.
Then she found The Cove the following September, which had a location in Easton, Connecticut, not far from their home in Fairfield.
“They nailed it on the head,” Suzanne says.
“The Cove has taught us to incorporate Gavin into
our lives in a positive way—not all about the loss,
but remembering that person.”
Maris is old enough now to attend The Cove
and Michael says, “Every other Sunday we go as
a family and participate. Both the girls look forward to going. They know they’ll be around other
people and do some fun things. And they have
other kids—some have lost a sibling, mothers or
fathers. Even if their situations aren’t the same,
they connect. They play together, run around, and
talk about their loss.”
In talking about Gavin with her children, Suzanne emphasizes that one of the things The Cove
taught her is to be honest, and to be as simple and
straightforward as possible.
“One thing about The Cove that stands out is
that a lot of the counselors are younger, but have
gone through some kind of loss and kids can relate to them,” Michael points out. “I’ve seen how
Gia will engage with some of the counselors. She
loves them and looks forward to seeing them. The
Cove doesn’t feel institutional; it’s very comfortable, friendly, homey. No one judges you. I’m so
glad we found this. I know it has made a difference in Gia, too. Having an outlet where she can
be herself and have no fear is invaluable and helps
build her confidence.”
“I knew we were going to be okay after Gavin
died because we were able to communicate,” Suzanne reflects. “When we were able to come up
for air as a family, [we thought] this is horrible.
I wanted us to come up for air and be okay. I’m
so glad there’s an organization that can bring us
together.”
Poetry
Hidden Treasures
By Susan Marshall
Here by the Sound
Quiet and peaceful
No birds sing
Nor waves crash
Still I’m drawn to this
Secretive, hidden
Unfolding beneath my eyes
As I follow the path
Once well-worn
Now covered in weeds
Bending below branches
I look beyond to see
The water
There is the treasure
I have been looking for
The beach
White sand
Smooth and silky
Reflecting the sun
Beckoning me there
To leave my footprints
Susan Marshall is a freelance writer and English teacher in Syracuse, New York. She earned a bachelor’s degree
in Business Administration from Columbia College and a master’s degree in Education from Le Moyne College.
When she’s not teaching, she’s playing with her dog, Gotti, working on home improvement projects, or spending
time with family and friends. She has one son, Brandon, who has always encouraged her to follow her dreams.
CULTURAL EMOTIONAL ENVIRONMENTAL
INTELLECTUAL OCCUPATIONAL PHYSICAL
SOCIAL SPIRITUAL CULTURAL EMOTIONAL
Health & Wellness
ENVIRONMENTAL INTELLECTUAL
O C C U PAT I O N A L P H Y S I CA L S O C I A L
S P I R I T UA L C U LT U R A L E M OT I O N A L
Why Should I Care About
Flossing My Teeth
When My Husband Just Died?
By Dr. Joanne Z. Moore, PT, DHSc, OCS
“W
hy should I care about flossing my
teeth when my husband just died?”,
I whined to Ellen Marsten, my dental hygienist, who clearly cared more about my
oral care than I did. Not only had I not cared after
he died, there was a good period of time during
his illness that I’d flop into bed at the end of the
day without giving a thought to my teeth. I give
Ellen credit for treating me with gentle compassion as she scraped the plaque off my teeth. She
expressed sympathy for my loss, and skipped her
usual teaching moment.
But kindness couldn’t undo everything. A routine X-ray demonstrated an abscess forming above
a back molar. Off I went to the root canal specialist, for an expensive afternoon. The root canal
specialist, Amy Amaro, DMD, said that these abscesses can break through the barrier to the brain,
and can cause very serious infections. I thought to
myself – all this because I didn’t floss?
When I talked it over with my dentist, Debra
Daren, DDS, her insights made me appreciate how
she is very much a part of a medical team. Dentists
look at us in a unique way, and they can help us to
catch problems before they hatch. It was she who
found the tell-tale lymph node on my husband’s
neck; he was treated, and the non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma was not his cause of death. And it was she
If you can save $3000
on a crown, that’s
like making $100 an
hour. If you can find a
better deal, please let
me know!
storative margin. Interrupting periodontal disease
early can save teeth.
Be sure to update your dentist regarding any
changes in your general health status. Some medications can influence oral health. People with diabetes, cardiovascular disease, or other diagnoses
can be susceptible to dental problems due to the
medications they take.
Even people with partial or full dentures need
to see a dentist for a check of general health, to
rule out oral cancers.
Debra Daren, DDS
who caught an abscess before I perceived it.
So when Dr. Daren speaks, I listen. Here’s
what she says...
The Basics
Flossing is the single most important thing
you can do to eliminate plaque build-up.
Brush twice a day with an electric toothbrush.
(Really, this takes 5 minutes a day. Multiply
that by 365 days in a year, and that’s 1825 minutes,
or 30 hours. If you can save $3000 on a crown,
that’s like making $100 an hour. If you can find a
better deal, please let me know!)
See your dentist regularly. This could be every
6 months if your oral health is very good, or 3-4
times per year if it’s complicated.
Regular check ups might include X-rays. Dentists use X-rays carefully, to minimize exposure to
radiation. But they provide important information
about decay under a crown, or periodontal disease,
or endodonic problems, an abscess or a failing re-
Not your grandfather’s dentist
Modern dentistry is really quite comfortable.
If fear is keeping you away, do whatever you need
to do to learn more. It might be helpful to accompany a friend to a cleaning and check-up. Or ask
for an appointment to chat with a dentist and get
a tour of the office. I guarantee you that you will
be pleasantly surprised at how pleasant the experience can be. Dentists no longer allow their patients
to experience pain. But it gets even better. “Dentists can make you feel better about yourself”, says
Dr. Daren. “I can repair a small chip on that front
tooth, or whiten yellowing teeth.” Having a great
smile makes you feel more confident.
•
•
•
•
The Take Away
Floss
Brush with an electric toothbrush
See your dentist regularly
Show off that phenomenal smile!
Widow/er of History
Julia Child
Continued Recipe for Success
After Widowhood
By Lisa Saunders
Julia Child
W
hen Julia McWilliams met her future
husband, Paul Child, overseas during
WWII in May 1944, neither was impressed with the other. Although both worked
with the U.S. Office of Strategic Services (predecessor to CIA), they had little else in common
other than their desire to find a decent meal.
Julia was 6’2” and 31 years old, while Paul
was a balding 42-year-old—and much too short
for Julia’s liking at 5’9”. Paul was even less enthralled by Julia who
lacked his idea of sophistication. He was
still recovering from
the death of his love
Edith Kennedy—a
woman he felt could
never be equaled.
Julia and Paul
were stationed in
Ceylon (now Sri
Lanka) and toured
the area with friends.
Although he wrote
to his brother about
Julia’s long legs and
“somewhat ragged,
but pleasantly crazy
sense of humor,” she
wasn’t what he was
looking for.
In January 1945,
Paul flew to China
to set up another war
room. Although he
and Julia had shared Paul & Julia Child
a few kisses, that ap- day.
peared to be it for
Paul – but not for
Julia, who was falling in love. When Julia was
later transferred to China, they were eventually
posted to the same region. Finally, it was food
that brought them “together.” The army fare was
so awful; they often sought meals in restaurants
together.
On August 6, an atomic bomb was dropped
on Hiroshima. On August 14, the Japanese surrendered. The following day, Julia’s 33rd birth-
day, Paul surrendered to Julia with the gift of his
sonnet:
“How like the Autumn’s warmth is Julia’s
face…
And how like the summer’s heat is her embrace
Wherein at last she melts my frozen earth…”
They were married at noon on September 1,
1946, in a civil ceremony in New Jersey. The reception was at Paul’s brother’s home across the
river in Pennsylvania.
The Childs settled
in Washington, D.C.,
where Paul worked
mounting exhibits for
the State Department.
Having come from an
affluent home in Pasadena, California, Julia had little idea how
to cook—her family hired cooks. Paul
loved fine food, and
because they were
limited to a government income, Julia
determined to prepare elegant meals.
Equipped with the
cookbook, The Joy of
Cooking, and magazine recipes, she
began to learn. Her
first dinner featuring
brains was barely edible.
on their wedding
In 1948, Paul was
reassigned to the U.S.
Information Service
at the American Embassy in Paris, France. It was
there Julia’s passion to prepare French dishes
was ignited. She never forgot their very first restaurant lunch of fish still sizzling in brown butter.
Julia enrolled at the famous Cordon Bleu
cooking school. Told she had no real talent for
cooking and even failing her final exam, she
eventually earned her diploma. She and students
Simone Beck and Louisette Bertholle formed
their own cooking school and taught American
women in Julia’s kitchen.
Julia’s cat, Minette, watched the lessons
perched on her stool in hopes of getting samples.
Unable to have children, Julia developed a passion for cats, beginning with Minette who they
adopted to control their kitchen mice.
Paul wrote of this time: “Julia…looks younger, more beautiful & ageless than ever…I am
continually happy & satisfied to be married to
her & I hope it lasts forever.”
When briefly separated from Paul, Julia
wrote, “Life is a dull thud, an onionless sauce, a
nothing-at-all without you.”
Simone and Louisette asked Julia to collabo-
on the nearby Boston public television station,
WGBH. He thought an audience would love Julia
as much as he did. Convincing her to ignore the
cameras and be herself, Julia’s omelet demonstration was so successful she was asked to tape
a series. The French Chef premiered in 1962, was
syndicated across the U.S., won awards, and led
to other TV appearances and books. Paul’s support ranged from editing Julia’s work to chopping onions and designing kitchens to accommodate her height.
Those happy years were interrupted when
Paul began having chest pains. In 1974, he embarked on his long, slow decline after heart surgery and several strokes, which left him confused
“I was lucky to
marry Paul…his
encouragement
saw me through
discouraging
moments. I would
never have had a
career without Paul
Child.”
rate on a French cookbook for Americans. Julia
agreed providing she could also make it a teaching manual in addition to recipes using ingredients found in U.S. supermarkets (therefore, no
ox blood). The women worked on the book for
10 years, producing more than 500 recipes with
Paul taste-testing and photographing many of the
dishes.
Paul resigned from the Foreign Service in
1960. Settling in Cambridge, Massachusetts, the
postman finally delivered Julia’s published book,
Mastering the Art of French Cooking, on September 28, 1961.
Paul encouraged Julia to promote the book
and incontinent. Julia still brought Paul wherever
she could – TV rehearsals, meetings, receptions
and dinner parties.
In 1989, Julia placed Paul in a nursing
home—she could no longer care for him fulltime. She visited him every day, sometimes several times a day, and called in between. He often
didn’t know who she was.
On May 12, 1994, after finishing taping a
segment of In Julia’s Kitchen with Master Chefs,
with her Cambridge kitchen serving as the studio, the 82-year-old Julia visited Paul then went
to dinner with friends and family. The restaurant
received the call that signaled the end to their 48-
year marriage—Paul had died. He was 92. Julia
got the news in the middle of desert and left immediately.
In August, family and friends gathered on
rocky cliffs in Maine to scatter Paul’s ashes to
the sea. “So long, old boy,” Julia said as the
wind took his ashes. Her nephew heard her say,
“Goodbye Sweetie.”
Julia determined to stay busy. She still had
the In Julia’s Kitchen series to tape and several
guest appearances on shows such as Good Morning America. Julia also appeared in shows with
French chef and author Jacques Pépin, who, like
Julia, taught classes at Boston University. When
asked what Julia was like in her widow years,
Jacques said she was glad for the work of their
show. He had been friends with Paul and Julia
since the 1960s. He fondly recalled the dinners
he and his wife Gloria shared in their Cambridge
home. “Julia and I would decide what to prepare
and Paul would be in charge of the mixed drinks
and photographing our meals.” In 2001, at 89, Julia moved back to California where she enjoyed going for drives and to
the movies with friends and family. By 2004, she
became increasingly weak after knee surgery,
which resulted in postoperative complications.
She still loved, however, to reminisce about Paul.
In late 2003, she had begun telling her story, My
Life in France, to her grandnephew, freelance
writer Alex Prud’homme. She wanted her story
told, in part, to pay tribute to Paul. She loved
editing Alex’s written versions of her memories.
She declared, “This book energizes me!”
Julia introduced her memoir: “This is a book
about some of the things I have loved most in
my life: my husband, Paul Child; la belle France;
and the many pleasures of cooking and eating...I
was lucky to marry Paul…his encouragement
saw me through discouraging moments. I would
never have had a career without Paul Child.”
On August 12, 2004, Julia learned she had an
infection requiring hospitalization. Realizing she
would never really get better, she refused treatment, went to bed with a cat settled by her side,
and never woke up. She died early morning of
August 13, at the age of 91.
Julia’s niece mingled Julia’s ashes with her
Julie & Julia (2009)
mother’s and brought them to Paris. She sprinkled them under a tree, returning Julia to the city
that, according to Julia, “marked a crucial period
of transformation in which I found my true calling…”
Julia’s Cambridge kitchen is exhibited in the
Smithsonian’s National Museum of American
History. Her life in France is told in the movie,
Julie & Julia (2009), starring Meryl Streep and
Amy Adams. The film is partially based on Julia’s memoir, My Life in France, in which the
last line of Julia’s introduction reads: “I hope this
book is as much fun for you to read as it was for
us to put together—bon appetite!”
Visit www.pathfindermag.com > READ
ONLINE > 11-2015 EDITION NOVEMBER
for bibliography.
Nutrition
French Recipes
“à la Julia Child”
By Rosemary Collins, RDN
Julia Child
“B
onjour mes Amis.”
French cuisine is not just for TV Chefs. Find
your inner Julia Child and give these French
recipes a try during the Thanksgiving holiday. You will find
they delight your family and friends.
Bon Appetit!
Boeuf
Bourguignon
(Beef stew in red wine, with
bacon, onions and mushrooms)
Serves 6
As is the case with most famous dishes there
are more ways than one to arrive at a good boeuf
bourguignon. Fortunately you can prepare it
completely ahead and it makes a really good
entrée for a buffet dinner.
INGREDIENTS
3 oz. piece of bacon
1 tablespoon olive oil
3 lbs. lean stewing beef cut to 1’ cubes (rump pot
roast)
1 finely sliced carrot
1 finely sliced onion
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
2 tablespoons flour
3 cups of a full bodied young red wine
2-3 cups of beef stock or beef bouillon
1 tablespoon tomato puree/paste
2 cloves mashed garlic
1/2 teaspoon thyme
A bay leaf
18-24 small pearl onions
1 lb. quartered fresh chestnut mushrooms sautéed
lightly in small amount of butter
Parsley sprigs
EQUIPMENT
9-10 inch ovenproof casserole dish “le creuset” style
DIRECTIONS
1. Remove bacon rind and cut bacon into lardons
(sticks, 1/4 inch thick and 1 1/2 inches long).
2. Sautè the bacon in the olive oil over moderate heat
for 2-3 minutes to brown lightly. Remove to a side
dish with a slotted spoon.
3. Next brown the beef cubes in the hot oil and bacon
fat in the casserole to seal the meat. Dry off any
moisture with a paper towel before adding beef to
the casserole dish; cook in small batches and then
remove to the set aside bacon. Then gently brown the
sliced vegetables and remove any remaining oil.
4. Return the beef and bacon to the casserole then
sprinkle on the flour and black pepper and toss beef
lightly with the flour. Set the casserole uncovered in
an oven preheated to 450 degrees for 4 minutes. Toss
the meat and return to the oven for 4 minutes more.
This browns the flour and covers the meat with a light
crust. Remove the casserole and turn down the oven
to 325 degrees.
5. Stir in the wine, and enough stock or bouillon so that
the meat is barely covered. Add the tomato paste,
garlic and herbs. Bring to a simmer on top of the
stove. Then cook the casserole and set in the lower
part of the oven and regulate heat so that the liquid
simmers very slowly for 2-3 hours until the meat is
tender.
6. While the beef is cooking, prepare the onions.
Heat 1 1/2 tablespoon butter with one and one-half
tablespoons of the oil until bubbling in a skillet. Add
onions and sauté over moderate heat for about 10
minutes, rolling them so they will brown as evenly
as possible. Be careful not to break their skins. You
cannot expect them to brown uniformly. Add 1/2
cup of the stock, salt and pepper to taste and the
herb bouquet. Cover and simmer slowly for 40 to 50
minutes until the onions are perfectly tender but hold
their shape, and the liquid has evaporated. Remove
herb bouquet and set onions aside.
7. When the meat is cooked skim off any surface fat
with a metal spoon and check the sauce that should
be thick enough to coat a spoon lightly. Drain the
contents of the pan into a sieve set over a saucepan.
Wash out the casserole and return the beef and bacon
to it. Simmer the sauce and adjust consistency with a
little stock if necessary. Add cooked pearl onions and
lastly mushrooms after cooking lightly in butter. Serve
hot with boiled potatoes, baby vegetables; buttered
noodles or steamed rice.
Wine Suggestion – Serve beef with a fairly full
bodied, young red wine such as Beaujolais, Cotes
du Rhone, Bordeaux or Burgundy. A Californian
Pinot Noir would also work well with this recipe.
Gratin of
Butternut Squash
(Reproduced with kind permission
from Chef Jacques Pepin)
Serves 6
“This gratin is quite rich and should be reserved for
special occasions like Thanksgiving.”
INGREDIENTS
1 large butternut squash (3 1/4 lbs.), peeled and seeded
(2 1/2 lbs.)
1/4 tsp. freshly ground black pepper
1/4 to 1 tsp. salt to taste as preferred
1 1/2 cups heavy cream
3 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
DIRECTIONS
1.Cut off and discard the stem of the squash, then
cut the squash into two pieces by cutting through
it horizontally at the bottom of the neck. Peel the
cylindrical neck lengthways, removing enough skin so
that the orange flesh underneath is revealed. (Under
the outer skin there is a layer of green, which should
be removed.) Peel the round part of the squash by
cutting around it in a spiral fashion with a sharp knife;
it is easier to peel a round object in this manner.
2.Cut the rounded part in half lengthwise and using
a spoon scoop out the seeds. Then cut the squash
into 1/8 to 1/4 slices either with a knife or in a food
processor fitted with a slicing blade.
3.Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Place the squash slices
in a large pan and cover them with water, and bring to
a boil. Boil over high heat for 1 1/2 to 2 minutes, and
then drain in a colander. The pieces will break a little
during cooking.
4.Arrange the pieces in a gratin dish and sprinkle with
salt and pepper. Pour on the cream and stir gently
with a fork to distribute the additions properly. Cover
with the Parmesan cheese and bake for about 30
minutes.
5.At the time of serving brown the top of the gratin by
heating it under a hot broiler for 4 to 5 minutes. Serve
immediately.
Time Saving Tip – Buy ready peeled butternut
squash halves.
Chocolate
Mousse
(Adapted from Mastering the Art
of French Cooking (Knof) by Julia
Child)
Serves 6
INGREDIENTS
6 oz bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, chopped
6 oz unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
4 large eggs separated (pasteurized eggs – “safest
choice” recommended)
2/3 cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar
1 tablespoons dark rum (optional)
Pinch of salt
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
DIRECTIONS
1. Melt the chocolate and butter in a medium bowl
set over a saucepan of barely simmering water.
Remove from the heat and set aside.
2. Take a fresh bowl and whisk the yolks of the
eggs with 2/3 cup of sugar and rum for about 3
minutes; again over the pan of hot water.
3. Remove bowl from the heat and place over a
bowl of iced water and beat until cool and thick.
4. Gently mix the chocolate mixture in with the egg
yolk mixture.
5. In a dry bowl whisk the egg whites with the pinch
of salt until frothy. Continue to beat until they hold
their shape. Sprinkle in the 1 tablespoon of sugar
and continue to beat until thick and shiny but not
completely stiff, then add the vanilla.
6. Fold one third of the beaten egg whites into the
chocolate mixture, and then fold in the remainder
of the whites until just gently mixed. Do not over
stir or the mousse will lose its volume.
7. Divide the mousse in to 6-8 individual dessert
pots or glasses and refrigerate. Serve with a small
spoon of whipped cream; fresh fruit to garnish if
desired.
Wine photos produced with kind permission from
Divine Wine Emporium Niantic, CT.
Entertainment
What Do You Really
Want for Christmas?
A
ll I Want for Christmas is
my Two Front Teeth, the
classic Christmas carol
tells us. Don Gardner wrote it
in the 1940’s and it never fails
to put some of us in the holiday
spirit, prompting more than a little thought into those Christmas
wish lists. It’s a song that inevitably brings about holiday happiness. Christmas lists are funny
things and they say a lot about
the kind of holiday season we envision for ourselves. Santa Baby
by Eartha Kitt is another classic
that entertains as she seductively
sings her wish list that includes a yacht, a duplex,
a deed to a platinum mine, decorations from Tiffany’s and lastly, a ring which we can presume
should also be from Tiffanys. If you would like a
refresher of that song check it out on You Tube –
www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeNhjPaP53I.
Rev. Quinn G. Caldwell has another take on
Christmas wish lists, in his book
All I Really Want – Readings for
a Modern Christmas. It is a nontraditional devotional intended
to bring some depth and warmth
into what has become, for many
people, a cold and consumeristic
holiday season. So many of us
get swallowed up by over consumption, excessive busyness
and just too many commitments,
leaving little time for the true
reason for the season.
Quinn writes, “The Christmas season is a time when
churchgoers and non-churchgoers alike tend to experience strong spiritual
longings.” (That’s why churches are filled to
overflowing during Christmas Eve and Christmas Day services). “Whatever the longing looks
like on the outside, for most of us, deep down it’s
a longing for an experience of something holy,
something beautiful. Something, like God.”
His easy to read, thought provoking, insightful little book, is filled with honesty, humor and
scripture. Within its weekly calendar are suggestions for small acts, that if tasted mindfully just
might create a little “holy breathing space” in
your holiday. And for Rev. Quinn, That’s all he
really wants.
Recognizing that opening this book gives us
one more thing to do, rather than simplifying
our holiday, it is well worth the effort. “I’m not
here to simplify anything for you,” writes Quinn.
“Neither is God. This book is actually designed
to complicate the season. It’s here to invite you
to think and pray a little more deeply about it.”
And even if you can’t commit for a whole season, embracing All I Really Want, even when
you have a spare minute
is easy enough to do. The
serendipitous
random
opening to a page often
leads us to just the thing
we need to see.
There are reflections
for each day of December and 10 days following which roughly takes
us through the Christian
Rev. Quinn
church’s Advent and
Christmastide seasons. In
each, there is a Bible passage, a reflection with
questions to think about and prayer. For each
week, there is a calendar with a daily call to action which is sure to connect with our sense of
childlike anticipation, our desire to go deep and
our inevitable humanness. He begins with a directive to get an advent calendar. Advent calendars date back to the 19th century and help us
celebrate and anticipate the coming of Christmas. They help us stay focused and attentive by
inviting us into a little surprise for each day of
advent.
Advent calendars come in all shapes and sizes and are made of paper, wood, fabric and any
number of other materials. There is a tiny door or
pocket for each day of the Advent season which
this year begins on November 29, leading up to
Christmas on December 25th. Behind each door
there is a little surprise and depending on your
calendar, it might be a scripture verse, a chocolate, a teeny tiny toy, or some other reminder of
the season. Whatever it is, it serves to give us a
sense of childlike nostalgia.
But Quinn’s book isn’t just about 19th century advent calendars, it is modern and contemporary for our time, like when late in his January calendar he suggests, “Knock the media gods
from their thrones: refuse to have any screen time
tonight.” There’s an idea.
“I think of it as primarily devotional for people who may not connect with traditional devotional material,” says Quinn. “It is a little grittier material, a bit out of
the ordinary.” He sees it
as offering something for
people who do come from
strong religious backgrounds as well as folks
who may not.
“It is 100 percent for
people who are looking
for a way to add more
spirit to their holiday seaCaldwell
son.”
“Many of us find ourselves battling against cultural expressions of
Christmas. I think what Christianity has come
up against is trying to deal with those cultural
expressions in a way that points us toward Jesus.
I think it’s all about finding a way to make those
cultural expressions of Christmas to be about
God. Making chocolate chip cookies can somehow be holy, and listening to Christmas carols
can be about God.”
He wrote the book because he felt a disconnection himself in his holiday. A closer connection with God is something he longed for and as
he saw friends, family and colleagues longing
for more, he wanted to help in some way. It was
a book he wanted to read, so he wrote it. With
short daily readings that can be fit in over any
Examples of Advent
calendars.
cup of coffee, it is easy enough to
compliment ones seasonal activities.
Quinn loves the contemporary yet vintage feel
of the design. The content is both ancient and evolutionary as a way of honoring a tradition. Resonating with folks likely to be in the middle part
of their lives, he hopes that All I Really Want will
“complicate the season.” And in complicating it in
this way, people might be brought deeper into the
meaning of a holiday season that for many, has
lost significance.
”I think humor matters in the church. Laughter
matters. I’m not sure we do enough of it,” says
Quinn. “Writing is an important devotional practice for me. The process of writing forces a certain
organization of thoughts. Writing is helpful to me
for my own faith and my own understanding of
God.”
Coming up with two readings a day for 40
days is a lot to say about Christmas, he admits.”
The process was pretty painful but it feels really
good to have done it.” It took him about three
months to put this valuable advent tool together.
The idea evolved over time as he worked with
Abingdon Press to publish it last year.
Rev. Quinn G. Caldwell is a member of the
United Church of Christ Stillspeaking Writer’s
Group and author for the Stillspeaking Daily Devotionals website published by UCC. He is a
graduate of Union Theological Seminary and the
pastor at Plymouth Congregational Church in Syracuse, New
York. His book can be found at
www.amazon.com/All-ReallyWant-Readings-Christmas/
dp/1426790171/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=14387
00071&sr=8-1&keywords=all+I+really+want.
Expressive Arts
Mandalas
as
prayer
T
he creation and use of mandalas
is an ancient practice that crosses
a number of religious traditions.
The word mandala is a Sanskrit term
meaning circle, although in the Hindu
and Buddhist traditions it can be defined as a geometric shape that represents the Universe. It is reflective of our
outer world as well as our inner world
that draws us toward our center, and
they have been used for enlightenment
in the Buddhist tradition since the sixth
century. Circles have deep associations
throughout our natural surroundings in
the sun, moon, planets, and all over the
earth. In some ways, the labyrinth is a
mandala representing our journey to the
center. Carl Jung pioneered the use of
mandalas for self-exploration, and while
doing his own inner work created a psychological understanding of mandalas
as a symbol of wholeness. Lily Mazurek
of www.themandalamessage.com, interprets the Sanskrit meaning of these sacred circles to be “a container of sacred
essence.”
Many have heard of the Tibetan
Lamas of Drepung Loseling Monastery
who travel the globe creating mandalas
out of grains of sand. This Tibetan
art of sand painting is called dultson-kyil-khor, meaning mandala of
colored powders. When the symbolic
masterpiece is finished it is usually
dismantled. “This is done as a metaphor
of the impermanence of life. The sands
are swept up and placed in an urn;
to fulfill the function of healing, half
is distributed to the audience at the
closing ceremony, while the remainder
is carried to a nearby body of water,
where it is deposited. The waters then
carry the healing blessing to the ocean, and from
there it spreads throughout the world for planetary
healing,” according to www.mysticalartsoftibet.
org.
So who wouldn’t want to explore something
that so many have found purposeful?
Rose Petronella of Middletown, Connecticut
has had her own experience of mandalas as a
container of the sacred, and works with them
every day. She explains mandalas as a circular
design that has been used through the centuries
mandala every day, as she’d heard about some
nuns doing that during a retreat. Rose didn’t
know what a mandala was at that point and the
only instruction she was given was for her to draw
her feelings. The first day she took an 8 1/2”x11”
sheet of paper, got a plate out of her cabinet and
drew a circle. She had some three inch colored
pencils that an 11 year old friend had given her.
She did have a pretty regular journaling practice
since the 1970’s, so she journaled about her
feelings, identified the feeling as anger and then
Rose Petronella
and across cultures. As a tool for self- exploration
drawing a mandala taps into the unconscious mind
and can reveal to us things we may not be aware
of, according to Rose. It is a symbol of prayer and
can be used as a meditative practice.
In 2001 Rose was at a low point in her
professional life. She went to see her spiritual
director during the holy season of Lent, feeling
like she needed some creative practice in her life.
Her director suggested she might try drawing a
started drawing.
“What came out was a black center with red
around it,” says Rose. “I started looking at it and
thinking about it. After a few days reflecting on
the drawing, I could see that the mandala was a
reflection of what was going on in my inner life.
They reflected what was going on inside of me.
Over the course of Lent they told me a lot about
myself.”
She noticed that the red rim of that first mandala
I surrender to you – Mandala by
Rose Petronella.
looked like a wall and realized she had built a wall
around herself in real life. She didn’t realize that
until she saw it on paper after reflecting on the
mandala. Another example was when a black outer
rim appeared on another, and the inside reflected
an eye. She realized she was inside that eye and
she was hiding. It was a revelation. She kept
drawing them over time and continued identifying
her feelings and became aware that she wanted to
change some of the patterns that were showing up,
so she decided to pray about them.
“I wanted to change the feelings and work
through them. I wrote my prayer around the
outside of the mandala as a way of affirming my
intention. My practice continues, not every day
but often. If I have questions in life and I draw a
mandala and sometimes I get clarity.”
She has very little formal art training and has
had no courses in mandalas. She recommends
a book called Mandala by Judith Cornell who
suggests blessing the materials in advance and
uses black paper and chalk because it lets the light
through. Another excellent resource is Mandala:
Journey to the Center by Lori Bailey Cunningham.
Mandala as prayer has just flowed into her
life and she offers workshops periodically to help
people understand the prayer-filled power of the
mandala. Her process is to journal first. She writes
what she is grateful for, what she is struggling with,
and then, what she needs help with. “Sometimes I
know what I need help with, and sometimes I ask
God to tell me. There is a lot of surrender,” says
Rose.
“The upshot is, in the process of writing what
I need, and identifying what I need to cooperate
with the divine energy within me, often there is
an ah-ha moment. So I’ll take that conclusion or
inspiration and that’s what appears in the mandala.
So after I draw the mandala and write my ah-ha
moment around the outside of it, I contemplate
it. Looking at it, appreciating it, honoring it and
letting it teach me something. What does it have to
Night Longing – Mandala by Rose
Petronella.
Mandalas as Prayer by Rose
Petronella.
say? What additional information, do the colors,
placement, images, shapes, have to say to me about
my life? Sometimes it’s clear and sometimes it’s
not. But often I have a sense of movement inside
me as I’m drawing.”
The whole process takes place in silence.
As part of one’s grieving process Rose
suggests the possibility of creating a series of
mandalas (with whatever medium) focused on a
loved one. They might be mandalas of gratitude,
sadness, forgiveness, love, etc.. These sacred
circles can be created with chalk, sand, watercolor
paints, markers, colored pencils and the process of
creating them can be as prayerful and creative as
you can imagine.
“My experience has been a gradual
transformation. In the beginning I’d start drawing
and say, ‘I hate it, it’s ugly,’ but I’d stay with it,
to see how it feels when it’s done. What I learned
from that is that I get impatient with myself. I
realize this is just one experience. So I say, ‘Let’s
see what happens.’ It has taught me life skills. It’s
also heightened my appreciation of what goes on
outside of me and inside of me. Through choices,
I have control of what goes on inside of me but not
what goes on outside of me. It’s given me hope
and comfort to see how my inner life changes from
one day to the next, to accept my transformation
and to see how, over time, I can learn to let go.
Over time I’ve seen a lot of change in my ability to
let go and the mandala has been a big part of that.
I’ve developed the ability to be open to receive, to
surrender, to forgive, to let go of control…”
Rose grew up Catholic and “got disillusioned”
along the way and ended up in the United Church
of Christ. In 1991 she was ordained after attending
Andover Newton Theological Seminary and
served in parish ministry for 17 years. She is now
semi-retired and has a spiritual direction practice.
She is nearing the final stages of publishing a
small book of 25 mandalas with reflections called
Mandalas as Prayer. It will be published by
Greyden Press later this year.
“I felt called to do a book but it never came
together until now. My hope is that it will provide
some inspiration, encouragement and support for
people who are on their journey, just like me, in
asking for help from the divine.”
Mistakes
Don’t Be a Victim
– Safety On the Internet
By Judith Clinton
I
have always been suspect of
telemarketers and people I
don’t know who call me on
the phone. There are a million
tricks and scams when it comes
to these callers which encourages one to be very, very careful about who one speaks to
in order to avoid becoming the prey of unsavory
people. The same is true when it comes to the internet. I became particularly aware of these issues
after I was widowed. When I was suddenly alone,
I felt more vulnerable to becoming a victim.
It is exactly that vulnerable state of mind that
can sometimes catch us off guard. Being alone,
and grieving the loss of a spouse, we might also
become more susceptible to being lonely. Being
lonely might make us more willing to engage
in interactions that can put us in danger. So first
and foremost, stay on your toes, especially after
a loss. It takes a little time for a person who is
grieving to find their sea legs again, and to get
onto a steady course. In the meantime, be extra
careful!
There are many, many scams and frauds on
the internet, and this article will touch on some of
the most prevalent. In addition, information will
be provided at the end where you can go to find
further information to study up on. This will al-
low you to be an informed consumer, helping you
better determine what is legitimate and what is
not.
What Is Mass-Marketing Fraud
The term “mass-marketing fraud” refers
generally to any type of fraud scheme that uses
mass-communication techniques and technologies – such as the internet, telephones, the mail,
and even mass meetings in person – to present
fraudulent solicitations to numbers of prospective
victims, to conduct fraudulent transactions with
victims, or to transmit the proceeds of the fraud to
financial institutions or to others connected with
the scheme. Broadly speaking, mass-marketing
fraud schemes fall into two general categories:
1) Schemes that target larger numbers of victims
for comparatively small per-victim losses,
2) Schemes that target numbers of victims for
large amounts of per-victim losses
Mass-marketing fraud schemes often use multiple communications techniques to maximize
their outreach to prospective victims. For example, an advance-fee fraud scheme might begin by
using high volumes of unsolicited email (“spam”)
to make initial contact with potential victims, but
then encourage interested recipients to call a particular telephone number for further information,
and later mail materials that are integral to the
fraud, such as counterfeit checks, directly to the
victims.
Based on data from law enforcement and
regulatory authorities such as the Internet
Crime Complaint Center (IC3) and the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) mass-marketing
fraud schemes generally fall into three main categories:
1) Advance-fee fraud schemes – A victim will
be promised a substantial benefit – such as
a million-dollar prize, lottery winnings, a
substantial inheritance, or some other item
of value – but must pay in advance some
purported fee or series of fees before the
victim can receive that benefit. Included
are:
• Auction and Retail Schemes
• Business Opportunity/”Work-at-Home”
Schemes Online
• Credit-Card Interest Reduction Schemes
• Inheritance Schemes
• Lottery/Prize/Sweepstakes Schemes
• Online Sales Schemes
• “Romance” Schemes
2) Bank and financial account schemes – These
types of schemes involve not only fraud but
also identity theft – the wrongful obtaining
and using of someone else’s personal data in
some way that involves fraud or deception,
typically for economic gain.
• Phishing
• Vishing
3) Investment opportunities – Criminals use
two basic methods for trying to manipulate
securities markets for their personal profit.
• “Pump-and-Dump” Schemes
• Short-Selling (“Scalping”) Schemes
How You Can Spot a Mass-Marketing Scam
Internet scams may seem inescapable. While
you can’t wholly avoid seeing online solicitations
that may be fraudulent, here are some tips on how
to deal with them.
General Tips:
• Don’t Judge by First Appearance, On the
Internet it’s easy to find or buy software that
allows anyone, at minimal cost, to set up a
professional-looking Web site. That means
that criminals can make their Web sites look as
impressive as those of legitimate e-commerce
merchants.
• Watch Out for “Advance-Fee” Demands. In
general, you need to look carefully at anyone
who insists that you wire money immediately,
before you receive the money, goods, or
services you’ve been promised. It’s wise to use
public sources such as the Internet to research
what’s behind a “looks too good to be true”
opportunity.
• Be Careful About Giving Out Valuable
Personal Data Over the Phone or Online.
If you get calls or see e-mail messages from
someone you don’t know asking you for
personal data – such as your Social Security
number, credit-card number, or password –
don’t just disclose the data without knowing
more about who’s asking. Criminals have been
known to send messages in which they pretend
to be (for example) a systems administrator
or Internet service provider representative
in order to persuade people online that they
should disclose valuable personal data. While
secure transactions with known legitimate
and trustworthy e-commerce sites are quite
safe, especially if you use a credit card, nonsecure messages to unknown recipients are
not. Make a call to the company or financial
institution and ask if they are sending said
correspondence before answering. Verify its
legitimacy with someone in the company.
• Be Especially Careful About Online
Communications with Someone Who
Conceals his True Identity. Don’t
communicate with someone sends you an
e-mail in which he refuses to disclose his full
identity, or uses an e-mail header that has
no useful identifying data (e.g., “W6T7S8@
provider.com.)
Tips on Specific Mass-Marketing Fraud Schemes:
To reduce the chances that you may be
victimized by fraudulent online auction or retail
sales schemes, here are two basic tips:
• Research The Prospective Seller Carefully.
If you haven’t had personal (and favorable)
experience with someone who’s offering
certain goods for online sale or auction, look
for sources of information at the Web site
where the offer information is posted, and at
other Web sites. Some online auction sites
provide their members with opportunities to
provide “feedback” on their experiences with
particular sellers (although certain sellers have
tried to manipulate the “feedback” process
by posting favorable but false reports about
themselves).
• Pay by Credit Card or Escrow Service If
Possible If you charge your online purchases
on a major U.S. bank-issued credit card, your
liability may be limited to $50 under any
circumstances, and at least one credit-card
issuer has recently indicated that it will waive
the $50 deductible. In the alternative, some
online auction Web sites offer escrow services
that (for a small percentage) will guarantee
delivery of the ordered goods before releasing
your payment to the seller.
Tips on Investment Schemes:
To reduce your risks from online investment
opportunities that may be fraudulent, here are four
basic tips:
• Take Your Time In Making Investment
Decisions. Remember that in any “get-richquick” scheme, there’s only one person who’s
guaranteed to get rich quick: the person
promoting the scheme. If you’re thinking
about pursuing some online investment
opportunity, start by recognizing that sound
investing for the long term takes patience, the
will to ignore momentary market fluctuations,
and a carefully thought-out plan for reaching
your investment goals. Do your homework
and take notes. Administrators Association
(NASAA) publishes an investor’s notepad
entitled, “When Your Broker Calls, Take
Notes!” (www.nasaa.org)
• Research
the
Potential
Investment
Opportunity – And Who’s Behind It –
Carefully. If you’re making a major investment
decision, use one or more of the many Internet
search engines – like the ones available on
your Web browser – to help you expand your
research on the company’s background and
market performance.
First and foremost, stay on your
toes, especially after a loss. It
takes a little time for a person
who is grieving to find their
sea legs again, and to get onto a
steady course. In the meantime,
be extra careful!
Buyer Beware – Do Your Homework:
If you use these resources, and find that one
or more of the people behind your prospective investment has been subject to legal action, especially for investment offers, it’s a very safe bet that
the investment is a high risk at best and an outright
scam at worst.
• Watch Out for High Pressure Tactics. If
someone online is insisting that you invest
right away, or telling you that someone else
will get the “deal of a lifetime” if you wait, ask
yourself at that moment whether you’re feeling
pressured and uncomfortable. If you are, that’s
a major red flag warning you away from the
investment. Legitimate businesspeople and
brokers don’t need to subject you to “highpressure” tactics to make you commit to an
investment decision before you’re ready.
• Check Out The Competition. If someone’s
promising you return on investments that are
far above what you see in the financial pages
of your newspaper or at your local bank, ask
yourself how they can possibly guarantee
those fabulous returns. Sometimes it’s
because, as in any good old-fashioned Ponzi
scheme, they’re paying older investors with
money that newer investors gave them, and
they’re trying to string out the fraud to rope
in as many investors as possible. Sometimes
it’s because they’ll promise you anything, but
give you nothing once you’ve entrusted your
money to them.
Should I stay?
Should I sell?
As you begin to contemplate your future real estate
needs please feel free to contact us for accurate
information. We will be happy to listen to your
situation and provide helpful guidance as you begin
this portion of your journey.
– Deb, Leslie & Colleen
“The Fountain~Timmons Team”
860-303-0968
[email protected]
316 Main Street, Niantic, CT 06357
If, after you’ve gone through all of the steps
listed above, you still feel like the prospective
investment is worth considering, talk to a broker,
financial adviser, or banker with whom you’ve
done business. Ask whether his or her firm or
financial institution can offer you a comparable
type of investment with less risk. The chances are
that they’ll say no, but they’ll be willing to take
time with you to walk through the information
you have about the prospective investment and
point out the risks you may be taking, as well as
possible alternative investments that offer more
realistic returns. You lose nothing by consulting
an investment professional about any major investment decision – and you stand to lose a lot
if you don’t.
How to File a Complaint regarding
Mass-Marketing Fraud
If you have a complaint about any type of Internet crime, you can file an online complaint
with the Internet Crime Complaint Center
(www.ic3.gov) The IC3 is a joint project of the
FBI and the National White Collar Crime Center (NW3C). The IC3’s key functions for federal,
state, and local law enforcement agencies will
be:
1) Receiving online complaints;
2) Analyzing them to identify particular
schemes and general crime trends in Internet
fraud;
3) Compiling and referring potential Internet
fraud schemes to law enforcement.
Or, you can file a complaint through a toll-free
Consumer Help Line, 1-877-FTC-HELP (1877-382-4357) or online with the Federal Trade
Commission (www.ftc.gov).
Stay Safe – Get Educated Today
Believe it or not, the scams covered in this
article are only the tip of the iceberg. There are
many, many more, too many to cover here. The
best way to protect yourself is through education. Educate yourself, and then pass it on to your
friends and family. Take a look at the following
site; www.OnlineOnGuard.gov/topics/scams –
Don’t be a victim! Stay safe. Good luck!
“I think my story is similar to
yours – I just wrote it down.”
– Carol Scibelli
Available: Amazon.com
Or for an autographed copy please email me:
[email protected]
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Edith Windsor Julia Child

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