Best of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1994B

Transcription

alt.religion.kibology
presents a LEARNING MADE ALMOST FUN book:
the SCARY
MONSTER
at the end of
1994!
Note to parents: James “Kibo” Parry (a man trusted by
everyone, even stupid people) has edited this collection of the
best stuff from alt.religion.kibology in the second half of 1994.
Alt.religion.kibology, the “remedial gym” of the Internet, is
recommended by educators in all forty-nine states.
It’s not only educational, it also reinforces strict discipline!
Your tots will enjoy it!
“I heartily endorse this book.” — Werhner von Braun
“It’s almost too wacky-goofy-zany-nutty for me.” — Ralph Nader
Produced in cooperation with
THE PSYCHO’S TELEVISION WORKSHOP.
STUFF ABOUT THIS STUFF
This book was edited by James “Kibo” Parry as a way of preserving,
for all future generations, the frightening terror that was THE
SECOND HALF OF 1994. Oh, sure, it seems innocuous at first, but
they you get to the END and there’s a SCARY MONSTER!
All known alt.religion.kibology articles posted between July and
December of 1994 (about 19,000 were posted, and most of those have
been archived) were skimmed lightly to find the good ones. What
constitutes a good one?
(1) It was written by Kibo and it doesn’t embarass him now.
(2) It was written by someone else but it’s all about Kibo.
(3) It’s stupid enough to make Kibo look good by comparison.
(4) It was randomly selected by Frozzle, the roller-skating chimp.
If you are printing this book on 8.5x11” paper, you should not
check “Shrink To Fit”; nothing important is within half an inch of
the edge. (If your printer is like Kibo’s, it can print far closer
to the edge than that. Yes, I know it’s unlikely that your printer
is as cool as Kibo’s, but it can do 1/2” margins, trust me.)
Notes in this style were written by Kibo in
early 1997, in a futile effort to explain
1994 to you. If you haven’t lived through
1994, man, you can’t possibly understand
what we were going through!
Do not read these notes.
1st edition · 11/10/97 · Copyright
©
1997 James “Kibo” Parry · [email protected]
Those articles not written by Kibo are copyrighted by their authors.
If you find typos in this book, they’re being preserved for historical accuracy.
Some of the pictures show things that Kibo didn’t publicly mention until 1997.
...Abraham Lincoln and the generals
of NASA joined the golden cables to
link up the transcontinental
information superhighway in 1947.
Kibo, 14 August
UN-altered REPRODUCTION and
DISSEMINATION of this
IMPORTANT Information is
ENCOURAGED.
ROBERT E. MCELWAINE’s standard signoff
Yeah, but I got permission to do so in
WRITING!
KIBO, 12 August
I don’t really know why I’m posting
this followup, except to warn those
who know not of kibology – be afraid.
Austin Loomis, 20 August
( CONTINUED ) 3
a date to maybe not forget
14 August, 1994
Kibo first reveals he is madly
in love with television’s
Claudia Christian of “Babylon 5”.
4
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Followup-To:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry)
STORY: "Adventures Incompleteness" (Spot)
alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.prose,alt.food.sugar-cereals
HappyNet Headquarters
Wed, 27 Jul 1994 14:47:10 GMT
<[email protected]>
The latest in my never-ending quest to write More Fiction Than Any Human
Being Can Stand. Warning: contains small fluffy puppy.
Followups to alt.religion.kibology.
-- K.
ADVENTURES INCOMPLETENESS
by
James "Kibo" Parry
(C) 1994
Spot was taking a shower when he remembered the doorbell might be
ringing and he couldn't hear it. He hopped out of the shower
stall and checked. There was nobody there, like the last twenty
times he'd looked. He took another thirty seconds of his shower
and checked again.
This time friendly Mr. Mailman was there! In his sparkling
blue United States Postal Service uniform, Mr. Mailman smiled
warmly as he held out Spot's very own Free Sample of
BLAST-FROSTED YUMMY WONDER-O'S!
"Gosh, thanks!" yapped Spot, taking the tiny box and slamming
the door in Mr. Mailman's face. Spot examined the package.
FUN SIZE, it said. This meant that the cereal would taste extraspecial, even better than the big size! It was made of little
ring-shaped clusters of genuine Swiss milk chocolate and real
ripe raspberries, embedded in giant sugar crystals. M-m-m! Each
one of the little rings contained a tasty edible microprocessor
which would warn you the moment the cereal went stale, to ensure
that you were eating it at the peak of freshness! Spot ripped
the box open and was about to dump the contents into his big
mouth when he noticed:
BLAST-FROSTED YUMMY WONDER-O'S ARE PART OF A COMPLETE BREAKFAST.
Oh no! This meant that Spot couldn't eat them until he
completed the breakfast! He added a glass of orange juice, and
some buttered toast with grape jelly, and a pitcher of milk, and
half a grapefruit, and tomato juice, and a bowl of Cheerios, and
some Wheat Chex, and a Pop-Tart, and a steak, and some grated
Parmesan...
He looked at the box again to see what else he was missing.
Perhaps the nutritional information (required by law) would give
him a clue. They said that the Blast-Frosted Yummy Wonder-O's
( CONTINUED ) 5
Yeah, okay, “hovercraft full of eels” is a Monty Python
reference. I thought I’d outgrown dropping those long ago,
but I see they were still showing up about once a year in 1994.
Commentary by Kibo, 1997:
contained at least two percent of his daily requirement of twenty
essential vitamins and minerals! The box only listed essential
vitamins and minerals, not essential oils, so Spot poured a
gallon of Mazola over his Wonder-O's. (He always liked to drink
some essential oil every day, because his doctor said he’d die
otherwise. Spot considered essential oil to be rather
important.)
Just then, the neighbor's cat strolled past the window, and
Spot ducked behind the sofa where she wouldn't see him. This
reminded him that the complete breakfast didn't yet have--yuk-cat food. He called his neighbor and borrowed a can of Science
Diet Feline Maintenance, dumping the glop into the bowl of oil
which held the Wonder-O's and the grated Parmesan. Spot hated
the idea of eating cat food, but it was worth it to get to eat
the Blast-Frosted Yummy Wonder-O's!
After adding rutabagas, and garlic, and beef tongue, and kiwi
gelato, and sushi, and a very rancid Necco SkyBar, and a rock,
Spot was about to take his first bite of the complete breakfast
when his eye fell on the morning paper. (He pushed it back into
its socket before reading the headline.)
CITY IMPROVEMENT PLAN DEFEATED
MAYOR EATS PROPOSED NEW CLOVERLEAF INTERCHANGE FOR BREAKFAST
Spot yelped in surprise! He hadn’t realized that a
cloverleaf interchange was required for every complete breakfast,
but he put one in anyway. And a player piano, and some Zima, and
a mousetrap, and a hovercraft full of eels, and a dance belt.
After scouring Isaac Walpole's "The Compleat Breakfast"
and the Oxford English Dictionary for ideas, he threw them on the
huge pile as well, and at long last Spot's breakfast was
complete! He stirred it all together with his spoon and took a
biiiiig biiiiite.
It was the rock. Spot broke most of his teeth as he chewed
it up and swallowed it.
"Warning!" shouted all the microchips in the Wonder-O's,
"Your breakfast is no longer complete! The Blast-Frosted Yummy
Wonder-O's (a registered trademark of Advanced Synthetics Inc.,
supermarket to the Universe) will now self-destruct! STAND CLEAR!"
Spot cried as his breakfast exploded. Then the neighbor's
cat came in and ate it.
THE END
What if Kibo was a balloon. Then a
big sword would make him explode.
Lupus Yonderboy (Alex Suter), 20 July
( CONTINUED ) 6
Re: TIME HAS INERTIA. EQUIVALENCE OF TIME AND MASS
sci.math,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks
<[email protected]>
Mon, 25 Jul 1994 23:22:14 GMT
In sci.math, Alexander Abian <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>
I will donate $100 to the newsnet fund if Mr. Simon De Dua will
> produce a text written by Isaac Newton in which Newton explicitly says:
>
" Time is mass "
> or "Time has inertia", or "There is an equivalence of time and mass" or
> "Time is a mass reacting to a specific provocation"
>
> Moreover, I will donate $500 to the newsnet fund if Mr. Simon De Dua will
> produce a text written by Isaac Newton where he explicitly mentions
>
1/T + 1/log M = 1
with positive T, M < 1 Abian
>
with M = 1 Abian at T = 0 (Abian)
>
> (maybe Newton was so clever that he would have predicted my existence
> and the unit 1 Abian).
I will donate 500 Abians to the newsnet b-board notesfile chat area fund
if Sir Isaac Newton will produce a roll of cherry Pez. I haven't had
them since childhood and they don't seem to be made any longer, but if
Sir Ike would give me some, I'd donate LOTS OF ABIANS TO EVERYTHING.
-- K.
(We need more Abians.)
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Nobody quite knows what an Abian is, but Dr. Abian measures
everything in Abians. Or rather, everything is 1 Abian. He also seems
to be the only person impressed by the warning, “This message will
cost hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars to send everywhere...”
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Message-ID:
Date:
[email protected] (Bruce Ediger)
sci.math,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks
False September
Tue, 26 Jul 1994 01:28:07 GMT
<[email protected]>
[email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
> I will donate 500 Abians to the newsnet b-board notesfile chat area fund
> if Sir Isaac Newton will produce a roll of cherry Pez. I haven't had
> them since childhood and they don't seem to be made any longer, but if
> Sir Ike would give me some, I'd donate LOTS OF ABIANS TO EVERYTHING.
I would advise no one to take up this bet. Kibo is sure to win as PEZ
were never produced in "rolls": they are brick-like proportioned parallelipipeds. Kibo is correct about PEZ not being made anymore, however:
It's well-known that all PEZ were manufactured between 1919 and 1949,
by a New Jersey Chemical firm. After WW-2, demand dropped,
( CONTINUED )
7
whilst modern production methods caused output to soar. The immense surplus
ended up in one of those enormous warehouses made from zeppelin hangars in
Lakehurst, New Jersey. In late '49, actual production ceased. Since then,
all PEZ have been shipped, _in_small_rectangular_boxes, not rolls, from
the gigantic warehouse.
Sincerely,
Bruce Ediger
From: [email protected] (Matt McIrvin)
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts
Date: 27 Jul 1994 19:49:34 GMT
Message-ID:
<[email protected]>
Bruce Ediger <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> It's well-known that all PEZ were manufactured between 1919 and 1949,
> by a New Jersey Chemical firm. After WW-2, demand dropped, whilst modern
> production methods caused output to soar.
Actually they were all made by IG Farben under the direction of
Dr. Laszlo Jamf. Early Pez dispensers were made entirely of
Imipolex G, and were electrically erectile; they bore the heads
of Plechazunga, der Raketemensch, Kilroy the band-pass filter, and
the Chiquita Banana woman. Be careful not to take Pez in large
doses: they're time-binding, and you may end up wearing a colander
on your head.
-Matt
01234567
<-- Indent-o-Meter
McIrvin
^
Harnessing tab damage for peaceful ends!
I Like to sit in my car. I never drive.
I exercise by rubbing my pelvis
on the steering column.
It is natural, and I enjoy it.
Anonymous Author, 20 July
( CONTINUED ) 8
...never put Pez in your ears.
KIBO, 28 July
Time is a mass reacting to a specific
provocation
ALEXANDER ABIAN, late July
However, some of my tattoos are
made of burlap. Ah, burlap tattoos!
Kibo, 26 July
I wish I have been at Edison’s Laboratory and I
wish I motivated Edison with my reasoning.
All I had to do is to pose the following
problem to Edison : FIND A HIGHLY
UNSTABLE (PARANOID) SUBSTANCE
WHICH UPON PROVOCATION
WOULD EXPLODE LIKE STALIN OR
GENGHIS KHAN !.
ALEXANDER ABIAN, late July
( CONTINUED ) 9
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: FTL is POSSIBLE! The journals say so!
sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology
Tue, 6 Dec 1994 10:19:41 GMT
<[email protected]>
In sci.physics & sci.astro, Jack Sarfatti <[email protected]> wrote:
> [email protected] (Captain Picard) writes:
> >
> > Faster than light travel must be possible for many reasons:
> > [...]
> > 2. The tachyons that make FTL travel possible have now been discovered
> > (see Nature earlier this year) in an experiment (in Utah I think).
>
> Please give exact reference.
Actually, they were included in a little envelope in each issue, as a
free sample of New Tachyons With Extra Spin. You probably won't receive
yours until after you actually receive them, due to their chronobozotic nature.
This is why he suggests that you see Nature _earlier this year_; simply
zip back to March to get the December issue, and remember to take back a
copy of next year's issue to give your younger self so that you can
change history and prevent Hitler from winning World War Three!!!
-- K.
For extra credit, explain
how the Uncertainty Principle
prevents anyone from citing
an exact reference to anything.
The big question is, if they’d tried this on
Pinky Lee’s show, would his heart have
EXPLODED on the air?
KIBO, 26 October
I shot JFK. With a cookie gun!
Kibo, 27 October
( CONTINUED ) 10
From: [email protected] (lmerkel)
Subject:
Re: NOSTALGIA WASTES BRAIN CELLS!
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Delphi Internet Services Corporation
Date: 7 Dec 1994 06:36:30 GMT
Message-ID:
<[email protected]>
James "Kibo" Parry ([email protected]) wrote:
:
: Remember those old snow tires where you had to use pliers to pull out
: the little metal micro-dildo-like thingies to use the tires in the summer?
:
: Ha! You thought you'd forgotten until I reactivated those brain cells!
: Now you'll NEVER forget because it's now in LONG-TERM MEMORY!
:
: Also:
: John "Bowzer" Bauman
: The New Odd Couple
: "What Have We Learned, Charlie Brown?"
: new & improved Honeycomb's factory recall
: the original IBM PCjr Freeboard
: the two-color NBC "N"
: Wyler Funny Face Chinese Cherry
:
:
-- K.
How could you forget Sun-E-Boy ("Sun-E-Boy, Sun-E-Boy,
two-for-a-nickel, Boy-o-Boy!") and Lik-m-Aid?
The Ohio Scientific personal computer
Flav-r-Straws
TV Guide's little "color" symbol next to shows in COLOR!
Buster Brown & Ty (and Pol Parrot, of course)
Matsu & Quemoy
And the dread of the worst thing that could possibly
happen from sex: Herpes.
-- Lee Merkel
MENTOS ARE FRESH AND
FULL OF LIFE! KIBO IS GOD!
Lupus Yonderboy (Alex Suter), 1 August
( CONTINUED ) 11
BEWARE!
There is a
SCARY
MONSTER
on the next page!
And remember, it’s
nothing compared to the
SCARY
MONSTER AT
THE END OF
THIS BOOK!
Scary plastic Kevin Nealon robot? I
SCARIEST
MONSTER OF ALL AT THE
END OF THIS BOOK!
scoff! I have seen the
From:
[email protected] (Lupus Yonderboy)
Subject: Re: Doctress Neutopia Speaks! (Was: Kook of the Month, June 1994)
Newsgroups:
alt.usenet.kooks,alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor
Organization:
Computer Science Department, Stanford University.
Date:
23 Jul 1994 08:11:15 GMT
Message-ID:
<[email protected]>
Thus spake [email protected] (Ted):
>
> [email protected] (Lupus Yonderboy) writes:
> > I would like to program my own mind, thank you very much.
>
> The cable people program mine. My mind is programmed with a constant
> stream of Gilligan's Island reruns, and I like it a lot. Next week I
> hope they run Dobie Gillis.
Why do I always have to be the straight man? (Keegan stay
the heck out of this thread).
> "And now for something completely different....." -- Monty Python
Isn't this the episode where they almost get off the island but
then Shaggy and Scooby are used as bait, but they screw it up
because they were high on Scooby Snacks and I love it when a
plan comes together KITT, GET IN HER DAMMIT and I could have
done it if it weren't for those stupid kids but Jack opened
up the Reagle Beable and it was all one big misunderstanding and
that Mr. Furly is just SO FUNNY...!!!
Poppa don't breach, I'm keeping my whale. Free william!
-- Alex
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
TOP SECRET: RECIPE FOR "O.K." CARBONATED "BEVERAGE"
Fri, 1 Jul 1994 22:36:43 GMT
<[email protected]>
I bet you don’t
even remember
O.K. Soda or how
terribly hip it was
supposed to be!
[]
one part Coca-Cola(R)
one part Minute Maid(R) artificially flavored orange soda-a product of the Coca-Coloa(R) Corporation
mix well
Authentic Kibo typo!
sell to idiots
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 14
From:
[email protected] (Matt McIrvin)
Subject:
Re: TOP SECRET: RECIPE FOR "O.K." CARBONATED "BEVERAGE"
Newsgroups:
Organization: Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts
Date: 3 Jul 1994 22:17:05 GMT
Message-ID:
<[email protected]>
James "Kibo" Parry <[email protected]> wrote:
>[]
>
one part Coca-Cola(R)
>
>
one part Minute Maid(R) artificially flavored orange soda->
a product of the Coca-Coloa(R) Corporation
^^^^^
You are undoubtedly confusing OK soda with the famous mnemonic
memorized by all trigonometry students, SOCATOA (soak-a-toe-a),
which stands for Sine-Opposite, Cosine-Additional, Thermometer-OrificeAnalogical. This is, coincidentally, the name of the island where
Marlon Brando went to paint "Sunday in the Park with George" and
"Un Chien Andalou." See how easy it is to remember things when you
have mnemnomnics? They are named after the famous Egyptian statue
of Mnemnonmn. When the sun shone on it at daybreak it would
repeat, like a holy mantra, "Dr. Mrs. Vandertramp." Then it would
spend the rest of the day trying to remember what all the letters
stood for. This was accomplished using the ancient Egyptians'
highly developed science of mental hydraulics. They taught it to
the Greeks and Romans, who used to memorize speeches by imagining
large mansions with lots of rooms in them. A different word would
be assigned to every room, and by walking through all the rooms in
the correct order you would get the whole speech. The problem was
that there were thousands of rooms and sometimes they would order
the rooms completely randomly for the sake of creativity. Also
sometimes you would, mentally, open a door and get run over by a
steam locomotive, or a giant flying fish, and you would never
ever be able to find Paul's room even after the giant Frankenstein
monster turned into John and you followed the sitar music to
George's place.
-Matt
01234567
<-- Indent-o-Meter
McIrvin
^
I was fired from the cast of “Real People”
because I sounded too plastic!
KIBO, 21 August
( CONTINUED ) 15
I suspect Scott Adams, the creator of
the wonderous and beautific comic
strip ‘Dilbert’ reads a.r.k group. I
just saw him speak and he made
allusions to how funny the letter
‘K’ is, as well as other things that
make Kibo the funniest thing this
side of the Family Circus.
Lupus Yonderboy (Alex Suter), 29 July
I personally think that the smurfs were a
way of getting everybody used to seeing
blue people, so that when Kibo came,
nobody would be bothered by it.
MICK MOFFITT, 7 August
Kibo could be bluer than my
big toe on that Polar Bear Club
trip to the antarctic!
Lupus Yonderboy (Alex Suter),( CONTINUED
7 August ) 16
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Message-ID:
Organization:
Date:
Re: Parasite who hides behind a skirt!
alt.usenet.kooks,alt.religion.kibology
<[email protected]>
Wed, 6 Jul 1994 14:03:32 GMT
For alt.usenet.kooks...
Respectfully submitted for your approval, a sample posting from
alt.online-service.prodigy. Basically, all the traffic in said group is
this guy's thread, where he argues with people about some
incomprehensible way Prodigy wronged him by allowing him to gain a
reputation as a "stalker", or something; I'm not really sure as the
whole thread's rather incoherent. It's essentially a few Prodigy users
arguing with each other--over a service other than Prodigy.
Does anyone on alt.usenet.kooks want to admit to using Prodigy so that
they can fill us in on what this is all about?
-- K.
Archie L. <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>
Gee it seems that our well known P* parasite Larry Greenberg <Prodigy id
>
[email protected]> has coined a new phrase entitled "The A word". Does the
>
"A word" mean me? I think it does and so do other people. I would greatly
>
appreciate it if Bill Schneck,George,or other P* execs start to look into
>
this.
>
Mr Greenberg,IMO is nothing but a coward who by his posts on Prodigys Mem
>
Exchange trys to bait people into sending him e-mail,and then cries "Help!!
>
Stalker!!"
>
Mr Greenberg and the skirt he hides behind Evelyn P.McHugh <Prodigy id
>
[email protected]> have IMO and others caused tremendous financial damage
>
to Prodigy Services and their respective parent companies IBM and Sears.
>
I think it is time to let the stockholders of these companies know just
>
what the management of Prodigy Services is allowing to occur on a daily
>
basis.
>
Since I am well aware that Prodigy Services reads this particular newsgroup
>
on a daily basis,I am asking that all references to "The A word","AL",or
>
"Archie" that are being posted on an almost daily basis on the Member
>
Exchange Bulletin Board,be returned to the sender.
>
I would hope that this situation be rectified as quickly as possible.
>
Sincerly,
As of this writing, Prodigy, eWorld, GNN, and Wow! are all
>
Arthur A. Leeds
defunct. (Except that they’re starting up Prodigy again in
> -China, where a service of that sort naturally belongs.)
>
Archie in Chicago
eWorld was Apple’s secret other copy of AOL (which never
had many users), which was literally the AOL software with
different graphics. GNN was AOL’s attempt at a real Internet
service. Wow! was Compuserve’s service which was like
Prodigy except more explicitly kid-oriented, and had the
shortest lifetime of any of the services that folded in ’96/’97.
( CONTINUED ) 17
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Kibology = Waste
8 Jul 1994 12:41:23 GMT
<[email protected]>
Jeremy Reimer <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> There are some oddities,
> like John_-_Winston, and Leader Kibo himself often joins in the fun
> giving us free samples of his wit and Generation-Pu type world view,
> which often involves massive quantities of really bad science fiction.
Hey! Bad science fiction?
You haven't yet read
You haven't seen bad science fiction!
MATT McIRVIN'S RUDY RUCKER PARODY THAT HE WROTE AFTER
READING RUDY RUCKER STORIES ALL NIGHT LONG
Berthold studied physics for several weeks trying to figure out which
way his theoretical quarks were supposed to be moving. None of the
gauges he chose were any good. Then he realized something amazing.
"If I create a bottle of locally deconfined quark-antiquark pairs
mixed with concentrated neutronium," he thought, "I can open an
Einstein-Rosen bridge to another universe! But it will only work
if I get really, really high."
So he got a whole lot of quarks and kneaded them into a pulpy mass
using techniques he learned in the Stanislaw Lem parody next door.
Then he carefully deconfined them using the olive-drab cover of an
Army-surplus copy of Jack Kerouac's _On The Road_ as a blade to
cut the tendrils of gluon string that held them together. The
edges were sharp enough to do the trick since the Death Pigs had
intended to use them to slice throats.
Then he took lots and lots of drugs of every type he could think of,
and as he got more and more wired and stoned and generally disconnected
from consensus reality, he gradually came to realize that the light
is everywhere, and all things suddenly seemed conscious, and glowed
with an inner, greenish fire. Slowly this fire collected into a
Peano space-filling curve in the middle of the room. This Peano
space-filling curve suddenly metamorphosed into a stream of maximally
complex information that reorganized itself into an Einstein-Rosen
bridge. It looked like a mirrored ball. He could see a distorted,
tiny image of another universe through the hole.
There were beings in there, and they looked just like people except
that their eyes were in their armpits. They talked to him; he
( CONTINUED ) 18
found that sound came through the hole, somehow, and that they
could speak perfect English, since they came from an alternate
universe where English was spoken on their planet.
They told him they wanted him to have sex with the Einstein-Rosen
bridge. So he did, for forty billion years. It was just the
right width. His orgasm destroyed the universe.
THE END
Ha, ha, ha! Wasn't that funny? Now, kids, Rudy Rucker parodies are
all very well and good, fun and games, right? But we don't want you
to pick up any bad habits just from reading them! In particular:
- Just say NO to Peano space-filling curves!
- Don't read books with olive-drab covers!
- Eyes do NOT go in armpits!
They are a BAD place for eyes!
Just because a character in a story does these things doesn't mean YOU
should! Remember... Good hygiene begins with YOU!
-Matt
01234567
<-- Indent-o-Meter
McIrvin
^
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Message-ID:
Date:
Re: Kibo on WWW?
Harvard University, Cambridge, MA
<[email protected]>
19 Oct 1994 04:11:54 GMT
Radical Liberation <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> http://rescomp.stanford.edu/~asuter/kibo/kibo.html
I xmosaic'd over to there and discovered that my immortal Rudy Rucker
parody, entitled "Matt McIrvin's Rudy Rucker Parody That He Wrote
After Reading Rudy Rucker All Night Long," was labeled "When math
geeks think they can write"! Rudy Rucker is a math geek, but I am a
PHYSICS geek! I have DISPROVED that Web site! In the future all
schemes will revert to my scheme! Touch the monolith, monkey boy!
ATOM.
-Matt
01234567
<-- Indent-o-Meter
McIrvin
^
( CONTINUED ) 19
STOP MAKING MY TACO BELL
TACOS GET SMALLER!!!
THANK YOU
KIBO, 28 July
Who put the SECRET CHEESE in
my BURRITO?
Kibo, 21 August
The ULTIMATE movie EVER:
Alien vs. Predator vs. Robocop vs.
Terminator vs. THE ORKIN MAN!
LUPUS YONDERBOY (ALEX SUTER), 28 July
Gumby is kind of like a T-1000 in
that if you shoot him he just gets up,
but the annoying thing is that he also
tells you he wuvs you.
Kibo, 13 September
( CONTINUED ) 20
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Message-ID:
Date:
[email protected] (John Girash)
Re: ibo vs ibology
<[email protected]>
3 Jul 94 21:19:43 GMT
[email protected] (Matt McIrvin) writes:
>
> alt.politics.kibo was created for discussion of Kibo's 1992 presidential
> bid. Since he won by a landslide, it is no longer necessary.
Fortunately Kibo was only slightly bruised by the incident. A local
resident did lose her pet dachshund, however, which was swept into an
IHOP which lay at the bottom of the hill. The puppy died choking on
some chocolate-chip pancakes: word is he had ordered a can of "OK"(tm)
to wash them down, but the waitron forgot to bring it with his order.
The rumour mill also has Kibo dating pop-music diva "Milla".
>
>
Matt
McIrvin
01234567
^
<--
Indent-o-Meter
Glad to see the I-o-M hasn't lost its punch.
Keep it away from Teller!
-"Don't listen when you're told / About the best days in your life : Spirit of
A useless old expression, it means / Passing time until you die." : the West
---------------- John A Girash ----- [email protected] -------------If these were Harvard's opinions, it would be up north (but not in Toronto).
New KIBO TV station! Burlap fashion
shows, Mentos cuisine channel and more!
Transmitted directly to your brain via
implanted device! Hurry – this is limited
time offer. You won’t be_able to get our
current great rates if you subscribe later!
MICHAEL KAGALENKO, late July
( CONTINUED ) 21
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Followup-To:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: GLOBAL TEA PARTY
alt.wired,alt.religion.kibology
Thu, 28 Jul 1994 2Ø:19:33 GMT
<Cto34L.31Ø@world.std.com>
In the rest of this book, I’ve
left the slashes out of the
zeroes (0 instead of Ø) to be
more readable. I left them in
this article because someone
used them as the letter O. Did
I really need to explain that?
<[email protected]> wrote:
>
> HI PEOPLE--I AM HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE GLOBAL TEA PARTY AND INTERACTIVE
> SPACEBRIDGE WHICH WILL HAPPEN IN GOLDEN GATE PARK 3Ø-31 JULY. VIA INTERACTIVE
> TECHNOLOGY, WE WILL ARRANGE A SPACEBRIDGE FROM SF TO SARAJEVO AND OTHER POINTS
> IN EUROPE, THERE WILL ALSO BE A HI-TECH TIME TUNNEL, HIGH TEA WITH SCIENTISTS
WØW!!!!!11 A HI TECH TIME TUNEL !!!!!!!1 WILL ERWIN ALLEN PRØDUCE IT ????//
WILL RØBERT CØLBURT STILL WHERE THAT GREEN SWEATER AS HE FLYS THRU SPACE
AND TIME AND A BUNCH OF BLINKY DØTS ??????/ THAT SHØW WAS SØ KØØL !!!!!!!!!111
>
>
>
>
>
INTERESTED IN CONSCIOUSNESS RESEARCH (IF YOU ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THIS, CHECK
OUT THE JULY SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN) AND OTHER MULTIMEDIA EVENTS, SUCH AS STREET
PAINTING, ETHNIC FOOD, AND LOTS OF LOTS OF MUSIC BOTH DAYS. CHECK YOUR LOCAL
PAPER, THE SFCAFE BULLETIN BOARD, OR CALL US AT UNITY FOUNDATION 4125-931-2593
IF YOU WANT TO HELP OUT. WE NEED COMPUTER PEOPLE, LASER HOLOGRAPHERS AND OTHER
IM KNØT A LASER HØLØGRAPHER IM THE ØTHER KIND ØF HØLØGRAPHER IS THAT ØK ???/
> HITECH PEOPLE, PLUS VOLUNTEERS AT ALL LEVELS. E-MAIL C/Ø
DIDNT IENSTIEN PRØVE THAT U CANT DiVIDE C BY ZERØ UNLESS U GØ FASTER THEN LITE ????/
> [email protected] OR CALL ABOVE NUMBER. SEE YOU IN GOLDEN GATE PARK!
>
> UNITY FOUNDATION
WHATS THE NUMBER ????//
IT SCRØLLED ØFF THE TØP ØF MY SCREEN ALREADY !!!!
-- KIBIFF
A REALLY NEAT .SIGNATURE FOLLOWS, PRESS "NO" IF YOU DONT WANT TO SEE IT !!!111
Kibo’s one-thousand-line
.signature is omitted from this
post in the interest of not making
this book as thick as the “best of
1996” one, which includes all of
Kibo’s .signatures in the back.
( CONTINUED ) 22
...why would we need Idaho?
Unless they were to start a Zima
factory there... that’s something we
could use. Has Kibo ran out of
bottles to smash?
Bob Lowell, 8 August
I prefer “Horror Creatures of the Flesh Planet”
because it’s been released under no fewer than
ten titles, all of which are equally
*
*
stupid. (“Vampire Men of the Lost Planet”,
etc.) It stars a lot of stock footage from a
Filipino vampire movie – in B&W seen through
various colored filters (“SPRECTRUM X!”) –
plus a still picture from “The Time Travellers" and
the same fucking stock from “One Million Years
BC” (1940) that was in “Robot Monster” and
(yes) “Citizen Kane”.
KIBO, not lying, 16 August
( CONTINUED ) 23
I AM BINNEY THE BRUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11 Jul 1994 03:03:13 GMT
<[email protected]>
HEY KIDS! BINNEY THE BRUSH HERE! I'M SCREAMIN' AT THE TOP
OF MY LUNGS SO YOU WILL LIKE ME! I HAVE NO FEET! I END IN
A SINGLE MATHEMATICAL POINT! I'M BINNEY THE BRUSH! WANT
TO KNOW HOW TO MAKE A BOAT THAT REALLY FLOATS?! I'LL TELL
YOU BY SCREAMIN' AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS! BRUSHES HAVE LUNGS!
DID YOU KNOW THAT? CUT A MILK CARTON IN TWO! DO IT WITH A
BIG LONG KNIFE! BINNEY THE BRUSH SAYS SO! THEN PUT IT
IN THE BATHTUB! SEE IT FLOAT?!! IT REALLY FLOATS!!!!
I AM BINNEY THE BRUSH!!!!! COWER BEFORE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Matt is thinking of early episodes of “Gerbert”
made under the auspices of Jim Henson’s
friend Kermit Love, containing large amounts
of filler and scary product placements for
Binney-Smith art materials. Eventually the
show became a Christian Broadcast Network
(now Family Channel) production and it
developed a religious theme.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
I say that nonthreatening nonentity Gerbert should get out
of the way and let Binney the Brush run the show. And he
can take Ploom and Dot and Dash with him. We need more
characters on children's television who are basically
RAVING PSYCHOTICS MADE OF FOAM RUBBER.
-Matt
01234567
<-- Indent-o-Meter
McIrvin
^
From:
Subject:
Followup-To:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Bill Evans)
Re: Doctress Neutopia Speaks! (Was: Kook of the Month, June 1994)
alt.usenet.kooks,alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor
PairGain Technologies
Tue, 26 Jul 1994 17:50:05 GMT
<[email protected]>
richh ([email protected]) made the following noteworthy contribution
to the highly esteemed collected works of rec.humor:
:
: [email protected] (Doctress Neutopia) writes
: >
: > We need to build ecocites which re-unite the phallis and the vagina.
:
: I always forget. Are those the ones that grow *up* or *down*?
It's like ants in your pants.
The mites go up, and the tights go down.
-- Captain Nitpick
( CONTINUED ) 24
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Jupiter Effect
alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks
Sun, 31 Jul 1994 11:47:18 GMT
<[email protected]>
In alt.alien.visitors, Glenda M Stocks <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> 21st-25th /7/1994
>
> ASHTAR COMMAND - NEWS FLASH
"I'm Kermit the Spiritually Sensitive Frog, with an ASHTAR NEWS FLASH.
I'm in touch with my inner self and in just moments I'll be conducting
an interview with him."
> CHANNELLED BY:
> DANA, CASSANDRA, BETHRAN & TAISS.
People named "Susan" or "Meg" or "Alice" are Not Allowed to channel.
The following are examples of names for Correct Channeling:
BLEEZIA
WISSO
LOOLOOLOODOODOR
DIMPIE
UNAUGH
WINKY
>
>
>
>
REPAIRING THE DAMAGE
*******
EXPLANATION: REPAIRING JUPITER'S and EARTH'S AXIS
REALIGNING, ACTIVATING GRIDS and SUPPORT SYSTEM.
AND
My word. Not only has Alexander Abian discovered the caps lock key, but
he's had a sex change too! RE-ORGANIZE the DECADENT COSMIC PARAMETERS
of our SOLAR SYSTEM to CRUSH THE AIDS VIRUS with FRAGMENTS OF THE MOON!
>
>
>
>
REINFORCING THE LASER GRID FOR JUPITER AND EARTH ,
CREATOR'S SEAL ( EXPANDED CORES )
+
New Transmutation or Grace KEYS.
--press grace key to continue--
( CONTINUED ) 25
> # The Ascension process has just been -put back on line.
"Geordi, how soon can we put the primary ascension processor back on line?"
> # Time - space warp shift occurring.
"Captain, the sub-space phase modulator in the holodeck's tertiary
plasma bypass inducer conduit is generating spatially-inverted tetrions
which are causing a time-space warp shift in the gadget that makes the
doors open if you want to go through them but not if you just stand in
front of them talking about vitally important technobabble!"
> # Creator's decree - all process to be initiated from Earth, Ground
> Control, and Ashtar command.
Oh, those wacky New Age initiations. You have to cover yourself with
henna and motor oil and eat cold spaghetti mixed with tofu and then you
reach into a bag and you're told to feel the power crystals but they're
really just ROCKS!!!
> # Galactic confederation & governments decreed to come on-line under
> the Ashtar command and make all available resources available.
Whoa! Ashtar is going to make the AVAILABLE RESOURCES AVAILABLE?
That'll take OODLES of WORK! Next Ashtar will show us how to OPEN A
DOOR THAT'S NOT CLOSED!!!
>
>
>
>
>
# Ashtar Command decreed to maintain full communication with Earth
and ground control.
# Creator's decree - ascension process to be completed concurrently
with the Earth by the creator itself and by the entire omniverse.
I can't believe anyone cares about the omniverse. I mean, how could you
give a flying fig about poetry printed in a magazine with a picture of a
bald woman eating a tube of paint on the cover?
> # Jupiter is to be given understanding of transmutation and
> responsibility, etc.
Wasn't that the huge headline on a spinning newspaper in Ed Wood's last film?
>
>
>
>
>
>
# The four aspects (on every level) activated to Jupiter, from
Earth, as an understanding of its experience.
Today we are moving from a 7 chakra / 7 coloured spectrum manifesto,
to a 13 chakra / 13 colour spectrum manifesto here on Earth
activated through the grid system.
Ooh!
Ooh!
Six more colors like INDIGO!
( CONTINUED ) 26
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
This alignment begins now as you all are grounding the information
tone back to the Ashtar command and the Galactic Federation. Giving
us and informing us of all your aspects, your ability to transmute
what you have achieved here on Earth, giving us an understanding so
that we may communicate with you when you are home. As you (Ground
Control) have been misunderstood here in this extreme duality and
separation from a support system that we the Ashtar etc. take for
granted.
Never take the Earth for granite!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
The damaged masculine is now aligning to the understanding of
duality, as the feminine infusion within the planet grid system
gives the understanding for change.. This will transform the
masculine into a balanced state. As Earth and Jupiter fully support
each other with their new agreement, to energetically connect core
to core, Jupiter masc./fire, Earth fem./water, in other words
becoming twin planets, creating a new orbit, configuration of eight.
Man, this is the *worst* "Space:1999" episode ever!
>
>
>
>
>
Both will be receiving on their chakra ( Grid ) system the same
information with the Creator's new experience and knowledge of
transmutation through this extreme battle with struggle in duality
and survival within separation, also within the masc. and fem.
conflict.
Of course, if this were written in Germany, it'd be a masc./fem./neut.
issue. Good thing it's not Latin or we'd have to worry about ablative
and dative cases too.
(I think the author of this post is a truly ablative case.)
> The creator's previous role was to inform. The new role now is to
> receive as well (feminine). This solar system is the key including
> the Pleiades and the Orion, etc, Star Systems, being the conclusion
And let's not forget the Hollywood Star System.
Chariots of the gods or SAG cards of the GUILDS?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
of duality, resolved to a greater degree within this Earth and
Jupiter experience. Earth now informs the consciousness to start the
transmuting procedure through the heart. As from now, Sun 3:15 p.m.,
24/7/1994. This transmission will be transmitted throughout all
known universes to inform all known physical aspects ( man form,
etc, Planets ) of the creator to start receiving this new formula (
itself, the ability to resolve ), as the Earth transpires to a full
support system of the incoming love energy so does the consciousness
living on its surface.
(singing)
I WUV OO
OO WUV ME
I TRANSPIRE TO A FULL SUPPORT SYSTEM OF THE INCOMING LOVE ENERGY
WE'RE A NEW AGE FAMILY
( CONTINUED ) 27
> In retrospect this new informing information is escalating in an
> energy field around your aura and your planet Earth. This membrane
> is fully receiving.
"Earthlings, your puny weapons are useless against the might of our
planetary membrain!"
"Oh yeah? We'll see about that! Membrain, calculate the next-to-last
digit of pi while thinking about the Epimenedes Paradox!"
...and there was a great noise as of plastic wrap rending, and the
planetary membrain exploded, and a puppy came out and they all hugged it.
> THE CORE
>
> (example; UNIVERSES CORE, THE CELLS CORE, THE PLANETS CORE,
> SPACESHIP CORES.)
Dammit, God accidentally typed ^\ again. I hate it when the
universe dumps a core file. It puts my whole solar system over its
mass quota.
UNIX joke
> This core is the centre of being within EVERYTHING.
Whoa, hefty.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Why did it take four of you to channel that?
The core of everything has to have full knowledge and support from
the creator to keep living. As the Earth was cut off from the
support system ( Survival at this critical point of evolving ), its
final focus was to self destruct unless it received the support &
the information it needed in order to progress further on into the
ascension process . The Ashtar informs you, etc., of new keys in the
GROUNDING ROD.
Oh yeah? Well, I know something better, the GRINDING ROD! It's that
thing which is disguised as the AXIS of the Earth but it's really FOR
DRILLING THAT HOLE INTO THE INNER EARTH!!!
> 116-118-204-209-117-208-606-110-203-202No, no, you didn't tell it right.
"116... 118... 204, 209, 117... 208?
606... 110... 203--202!!!"
If you're going to do standup comedy in prison you gotta do more than
learn the lingo!
> In this sequence is the original coded keys for natural technology
> put in place at the beginning of creation. We now introduce new keys
> of GRACE.
Ancient,
ancient joke.
( CONTINUED ) 28
Following the AREA CODES OF THE GODS comes the LOCKER COMBINATION OF THE
UNIVERSE!!!
> 6010-6070-6089-6079-6077-6099-6010-6066-6006-6000-6060-6070-6071-6077-7777> 7077-7707-7770-7007-7000-7700-0007
JOHN SLADEK can GUESS YOUR PHONE NUMBER by playing a game of MASTER MIND!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
These new coded keys of transmutation are the learnt and resolved
aspects of the creator justified, released to all Cores for the
purpose of coming to terms with full balanced masculine polarity at
its highest point of understanding at this present time. We now have
full feminine focus. . This energetic combination is now being
transmitted in a simple pulsating tone ( base chakra). On a heart
level you will all on Earth become connected to this 5th
dimensional, energetic understanding, focusing in two ways. To us,
your experience, to you, our support. This is unprecedented. Without
this connection we the Galactic Federation cannot fully resolve and
incorporate this experience of yours without understanding it, in
order to heal it . So this game cannot be repeated elsewhere. This
Rebroadcasting of the scores and accounts of this game, or repeating of
same, is forbidden without express permission of the commissioner of
major league idiocy.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
reconnection is what we call the rainbow bridge, and this is the
physical result and the physical manifestation of the entire
omniverse ascension; Earth within this quadrant being the focus of
this game.
As from this week prepare yourself for ascension as Earth cannot
support the human consciousness as it is. Earth's agreement is to
heal separately from humanity. Each being takes personal
responsibility for this healing to transpire with full support.
Jupiter has agreed to give Earth's surface the signal to leave as
Jupiter transforms through fire storms from the meteors impact
unavoidably affecting your third reality, you will see the colours
My THIRD reality?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
What the sil happened to my SECOND reality?
of change manifest. Even the sleeping will see with the naked eye.
Earth and Jupiter are the capstone for the beginning of peace on
Earth. There will be talk of Jupiter in a new orbit with Earth, and
new energy fields emitting rays of new information being received by
your scientists. It is becoming obvious to them, the rhythm of
change is evident.
As this new energetic spectrum of life comes into full force, your
Sun will begin to change color increasing fire storm activity, etc.,
( CONTINUED ) 29
Love Ashtar.
Free Willy.
> N.B. COPYRIGHT (C) 1994 BY SPECTRUM LIFE FORCE
> ALL RIGHTS RESERVED,
> INCLUDING THE RIGHT OF REPRODUCTION,
> IN WHOLE OR IN PART IN ANY FORM.
> AND YOU CAN'T ADD EXTRA LINES TO THE BOTTOM
> WHEN YOU POST A FOLLOWUP TO THIS ARTICLE AND
> I LIKE TO PICK MY NOSE AND EAT IT AND I WEAR
> UNDERWEAR ON MY HEAD AND I DRESS MY DOG FUNNY.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Of course, that can’t be proved.
as these new energy fields come into full effect allowing this full
alignment encompassing this Solar System within this Quadrant to
take affect.
I have a sneaking suspicion that
someone may have typed a few
extra lines after the “>”s when
he quoted this text back in 1994.
>
>
>
>
>
Re: Jupiter Effect
Wed, 3 Aug 1994 04:43:17 GMT
<[email protected]>
>
> Kibo wrote:
> >
> > Free Willy.
>
> I THINK IT IS REALLY STOPID OF YOU TO MAKE FUN OF WILLY. THAT IS A REELY
> GOOD FLIK AND IT IS ABOUT SOMETHING VERY IMPORTAND AND SERIUS AND SINCE
> YOU CANT UNDERSTAND THAT I WILL NEVER BE A KIBOLOGY PERSON. AND ILL MAKE
> SURE NOONE OF MY FRIENDS ARE ALSO.
> I HATE YOU KIBO.!.!
^
You're not supposed to spell out the silent "H".
-- K.
I even have a silent H in my name:
"Ki H. Bo!" shouted Fred as he
smashed his thumb with the hammer.
I’m secretly married to the Underdog Lady.
KIBO, 26 August
( CONTINUED ) 30
13 October, 1994
October 13: First appearance of
“[email protected]”:
“Are you cute? You write
funny things. Other people
here are mean, though
:-(
squeeezes!!!!!!!!! =D”
31
Those are the Orthodox Satanists.
They have forked beards and wear
the black derby heats with little
rubber horns on the top. And they
only do evil on Sundays.
Lee Merkel, 18 August
I can spend hours working hard on
something and get no reply. Then I post
something like “Kibo let me borrow his
socks.” and it starts a huge thread. I view
a lot of these things as random events,
completely beyond my understanding
and control.
PAUL CALLAHAN, mid-august
We must band together to
w*pe out infantile drivel!
Kibo, 10 December
( CONTINUED ) 32
Re: Driven To Tears
13 Jul 1994 16:04:45 GMT
<[email protected]>
Craig Dickson <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> a.r.k does seem to have lost some subtlety even since I started reading.
> It's very MTV-like now; the same handful of jokes in heavy rotation at
> full volume, with flashing lights.
My favorite recent newspaper op-ed was the one I read complaining
that MTV had sold out. This concept fascinated me.
> [Ron E. wrote:]
> # I don't want to see a.r.k become another talk.bizarre.
Actually, I think a lot can be done with their concept of broad-based
hostility to all outsiders as an art form. Talk.bizarre and alt.fan.
warlord have elevated it to unheard-of heights. My favorite a.f.w
posts are the ones that go on for pages listing criteria for proper
warlording; they're miracles of irony.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
# A good chunk of the people who post here don't even
# seem to get Kibo's sense of humor (or, at least, don't demonstrate it
# in their daily posts).
Particularly the people who come off like bad parodies of Kibo -- the
ones who mistake random nonsense for wit. No point in naming names,
because they don't know who they are and would only be offended.
I'm sorry. I won't do it again, not after I post this one last
story about my dog Spat and his pet amoeba Denstity who get run
over by Rod Serling's subway train and explode from eating Mentos.
The Mentos are blaznogon shaped and really painful going down.
Spat cries because he's just a poodle and is Not Permitted. It's
totally original in every way so I hope none of you will be mad. Also
I got this totally new idea about having this really long .plan that
only PRETENDS to be stupid. Also I'm going to post all the dialogue
from every Zippy the Pinhead cartoon in case you don't get it in
the paper.
Kibo ought to return, at the latest, when he moves into his new place
at the end of August. Maybe he'll show up before that, I don't know.
In any case, I can confirm that his complete absence is not your fault,
for those of you who were wondering.
-Matt
01234567
<-- Indent-o-Meter
McIrvin
^
Matt’s “Indent-O-Meter” has a tab before the “^”. Depending on how many times
it’s been quoted, the “^” will point to different places. It also moves around if you
have different tab stops. This book has tab stops different from Matt’s, so it scores 4!
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
( CONTINUED ) 33
DANGER!
There is a
SCARY
MONSTER
on the next page!
SCARY
MONSTER AT
THE END OF
THIS BOOK!
Remember, the
SCARIEST MONSTER
OF ALL is AT THE
END OF THIS BOOK!
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Unaltered disinformation of the important dissemination is encouraged.
alt.religion.kibology,alt.conspiracy,alt.folklore.urban
Wed, 10 Aug 1994 04:43:52 GMT
<[email protected]>
Hey know all those sneakers the kids wear now with the blinking lights
under the heels well ever notice that a lot of the time you see a kid
with only one light working this is because it means they're a gang
member and the crips have the light on the left and the bloods (other
gang) have it on the left or is it the other way around anyway I was
told this by someone who wouldn't lie !!!!
-- K.
From: [email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Unaltered disinformation of the important dissemination is encouraged.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.conspiracy,alt.folklore.urban
Organization: HappyNet Headquarters
Date: Fri, 12 Aug 1994 05:06:45 GMT
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Jay C Jachimiak <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Kibo wrote:
> >
> > Hey know all those sneakers the kids wear now with the blinking lights
> > under the heels well ever notice that a lot of the time you see a kid
> > with only one light working this is because it means they're a gang
> > member and the crips have the light on the left and the bloods (other
> > gang) have it on the left or is it the other way around anyway I was
> > told this by someone who wouldn't lie !!!!
>
> I've heard the same thing. I was told this by a gang member who
> thought that I was also a member of his gang, because my car has only
> one headlight working.
Also one more thing I forgot when I posted that is that the reason the
gangs use the lights in their shoes only to identify themselves is that
then when they beat you up you can't tell who they are until you're dead
and they're running away !!!!!!!
Can someone please go back and add that to my original article ????
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 36
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Unaltered disinformation of the important dissemination is encouraged.
alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban,alt.conspiracy
Mon, 15 Aug 1994 06:32:02 GMT
<[email protected]>
Jeremy Reimer <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> [email protected] writes:
>
> > Hey know all those sneakers the kids wear now with the blinking lights
> > under the heels well ever notice that a lot of the time you see a kid
> > with only one light working this is because it means they're a gang
> > member and the crips have the light on the left and the bloods (other
> > gang) have it on the left or is it the other way around anyway I was
> > told this by someone who wouldn't lie !!!!
>
> Kibo, stop trolling. Everyone knows that the gang members have the
> GREEN LEDs, everyone else wears the shoes with the RED ones!
I saw someone yesterday who had *sandals* with blinky lights in them.
Will bozosity never cease? Next they'll be making Dr Scholls corn pads
with the LEDs.
> (actually, what they should do is put green on one shoe, red on the
> other, like a starboard/port thing. And blue LEDs in the middle,
> 'cause blue LEDs are just plain cool.)
intentional
typo for ease
of trolling
But you can't buy blue LEDs because the government made their possession
by civilians illegal! It seams the military uses them to keep tabs on
drug dealers, the same way they put those black magic marker stripes on
$20 bills from cash machines, because drug dealers always use money from
cash machines.
-- K.
Roy Scheider of NBC-TV’s “SeaQuest
DSV” is covered in a thick, baked-on
vinyl-like layer of “Max Factor #8”,
which is what gives his skin that healthy
“TOASTED for extra FLAVOR!” look.
Kibo, 6 December
( CONTINUED ) 37
Do you know what a flame war is? Any
idea as to the real idenity of Kibo, god
of the Internet? Know why the the numbers
486-66 are sexier to you average
computer geek wad than the figures 3624-36? How about the difference
between gigabytes and megahertz?
Good. Neither do we. (etc.)
PHOENIX NEW TIMES ad quoted by JOHN ALLDS on 23 September
...in tomorrow’s episode, Larry
“Bud” Melman dresses up as a Higgs
boson and says “Hey, watch it, pal!
I’m a Higgs boson, you dipstick!”
And what about Conan O’Brien’s
discussion of the Dolly Parton model
of quark confinement?
Kibo, responding to a mention of Lederman’s
search for the Higgs boson, 28 September
( CONTINUED ) 38
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
frightening development
19 Jul 1994 15:54:26 GMT
<[email protected]>
A new milestone in the history of trolling has just occurred. The
New York Times recently ran a humorous op-ed, a satire on the current
controversy over smoking, which substituted poison ivy for cigarettes;
the author discussed data from "the Poison Ivy Institute" revealing
that most people who get skin rashes from poison ivy have previously
experienced skin rashes, and so on.
Today they printed four letters in response. One was from someone
responding to the troll in kind, complaining about no-poison-ivy sections
in restaurants. One was from a doctor concerned that the satire (as
he very uncertainly called it; he appears not to have recognized that
the referent was tobacco) lost over half the audience; he said that
he was immediately driven to reference material and discovered, through
careful research, that there was no Poison Ivy Institute. The other
two were from poison ivy sufferers enraged that the Poison Ivy Institute
would release such scurrilous lies and that the NYT would print them.
One announced that she had in fact had no prior skin rashes; the other
warned that the article was going to cause medical harm.
I am beginning to think that Usenet is a valuable educational
experience which everyone should be required to read. I suppose it
takes some people several articles reading "PLEASE POUR BATTERY ACID
IN YOUR EYES" to understand this sort of thing.
Or maybe newspapers should be required to print smileys. You never
know who is going to read these things.
-Matt
01234567
<-- Indent-o-Meter
McIrvin
^
If I were to troll you, would you give me back my
personality? I seem to have dropped it while visiting
alt.alien.visitors and now I can’t find it under all the
dried leaves and styrofoam packing peanuts.
KIBO, 3 October
( CONTINUED ) 39
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: LOOKING FOR A COMPANY NAME
misc.creativity,alt.religion.kibology
Wed, 3 Aug 1994 06:27:17 GMT
<[email protected]>
In misc.creativity, Ted Wachholz <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> I AM LOOKING FOR *ALL* CREATIVE SUGGESTIONS FOR THE NAME OF A NEW
> COMPANY THAT IS BEING FORMED. HERE IS A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE
> PRODUCT LINE WHICH WILL BE OFFERED BY THE NEW COMPANY.
>
> OUR SPECIALITY WILL BE ICE CREAM SHAKES AND MALTS, MADE FROM *SUPER
> PREMIUM* ICE CREAM. THESE WILL BE ICE CREAM SHAKES AND MALTS, NOT
> *MILK* SHAKES (IN FACT, THERE WILL BE NO MILK ADDED AT THE TIME THE
> SHAKES AND MALTS ARE MADE, JUST ICE CREAM).
SUPER CAPS
[motto: "CAPS LOCK ON TO QUALITY"]
CAPS & *STARS*
[motto: "THE *EMPHASIS* IS ON *EVERYTHING*"]
MELTED ICE CREAM IN A GLASS
> PLEASE SEND EMAIL, AND DO NOT POST TO THE NEWS YOUR REPLIES.
I'M SORRY, I TRIED USING EMAIL BUT IT WOULDN'T WORK WITH THE CAPS LOCK KEY DOWN.
-- K.
Gently ribbing you as he points to
the CAPS LOCK key, and idly wondering,
what IS the difference between your
all-ice-cream "milkshakes" and plain ol'
melted ice cream?
Also, would you have frappes?
Robert Kulagowski:
Matthew Anderson:
>
>
> Super Kibo Premium Ice Cream Shakes and Malts
> Here's a suggestion or two:
> Just Ice Cream
>
> Kibo and Larry's Ice Cream
> Kow Krystals
> Super Premium Ice Cream Shakes and Malts >
> Advertising Slogans:
> Where's the Milk?
> "Enjoy our Super Premium Ice Cream Shakes and
> Please Name This Company!
> Malts - You're Allowed."
> "They're Kibo-liscious!"
> "100% Plutonium! No artificial fillers,
> flavors or colors!"
>
> (shuddering thinking about actually ordering
> "Mentos and Cream" flavored ice cream. blah.)
( CONTINUED ) 40
I’m well loved, and don’t you little
bastards ever forget it!
Kibo, 3 August
Kibo writes endlessly bad fiction and he
Leads by Example.
LUPUS YONDERBOY (ALEX SUTER), 5 August
can Some On ePOst a Private
mESSAGE TO Me Listing Some
More of These kind of Newsgroups
please..
[email protected], early August
I’ve seen word salad on the net many
times (and written most of them),
but a case salad?
KIBO, 14 August
( CONTINUED ) 41
From:
Subject:
Re: Blockbuster owned by Christian Fundamentalists
Newsgroups:
alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.robert.mcelwaine
Followup-To:
alt.folklore.urban
Date: Sun, 31 Jul 1994 10:21:05 GMT
Message-ID:
<[email protected]>
In alt.folklore.urban, Helge Moulding <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Hey, you guys mak it sound as if it was BAD to be CHRISTIAN. What is
> wrong with beign CHRISTIAN? We mustall be BORN AGAIN to be SAVED.
> Read the BIBLE. Its all TRUE! If you doubt me, just PRAY, and GOD
> will give you the ANSERS! If you still doubt me, you will shurely
> go to HELL! So don't be a DOUBTING THOMAS! All TRUE AMERICANS are
> CHRISTIANS. The CONSTITUTION was inspired by GOD! Go to CHURCH!
> Read the BIBLE! JESUS SAVES!
I also HEAR that YOU will GO to HELL if YOU don't CAPITALIZE every
single NOUN or VERB in every SENTENCE you TYPE!!!!
And in HELL YOU'LL be MADE to READ something WRITTEN entirely in UNCIALS
which are neither CAPITALS nor LOWERCASE, and YOUR EYES will EXPLODE!!!!
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Message-ID:
Date:
THIS DUMB POST WILL START THE ETERNAL THREAD IN A.F.U ALL OVER
alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban
<[email protected]>
Wed, 3 Aug 1994 07:40:47 GMT
TRUE FACT: The score for Robert Wise's film of "The Andromeda Strain"
was originally released on a six-sided record, which was later changed
to the normal round shape when too many people complained that the
corners snapped the needles of their automatic turntables.
Note that, unlike that Monty Python album, it technically had six
*edges*, but only two *grooves*. Didn't Python once do one with six
grooves, no edges, and hyperbolic surface geometry?
-- K.
Kibo changes age every year...
LUPUS YONDERBOY (ALEX SUTER), 17( CONTINUED
August
) 42
Re: THIS DUMB POST WILL START THE ETERNAL THREAD IN A.F.U ALL OVER
alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban
Wed, 3 Aug 1994 07:46:52 GMT
<[email protected]>
some really cool guy <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> TRUE FACT: The score for Robert Wise's film of "The Andromeda Strain"
> was originally released on a six-sided record, which was later changed
> to the normal round shape when too many people complained that the
> corners snapped the needles of their automatic turntables.
Hey, I heard something about that movie--seems the apartment where they
filmed it was haunted by a cardboard cutout of Gene Roddenberry, and if
you look closely during the electron microscope scene, you can see in the
background the shadow of a girl who committed suicide during the filming
by painting herself gold! Also, Citizen Kane contains a scene with a
pterodactyl in it, I know because Roger Ebert says so.
Also, wasn't there some comedy album with three sides? I think it
was called something like "Monty Python's Matching Cub Scout Neckerchief".
Does anyone here remember it, or know anyone who can tell me if they
know anyone who knows whether or not anyone remembers it?
The discussion of Monty Python’s “three-sided”
record (it had two tracks spiralled together on
one side) lasted for about two years. It’s dead
now. Please don’t start it again. OKAY?
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (brent jackson)
Re: Kibo fathered my two headed love child
alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.brent.jackson
s.p.a.m. media lab
27 Jul 1994 23:53:12 GMT
[email protected]>
...thus spake Jay C. Jachimiak through the avatar [email protected]...
\\
\\ What??? You're not Uncle Brent?
i'm everyone's uncle brent! pretend your life is a vintage sitcom and
i'm the wacky uncle who stops by on christmas and gives your 10 year
old kid cigars for a present.
"when i was your age, kid, i'd already served 4 years in the navy and smoked 10 cigars a day."
"oh, billy, don't listen to your uncle brent, he didn't join the navy 'til he was 11."
"yes, but i had the body of a ten-year-old!"
"did you give it back?"
<insert canned laughter and more wacky dialogue>
-brent
( CONTINUED ) 43
a fun fact to chew on with your brain
longest newsgroup name as of
22 August, 1994
finet.freenet.oppimiskeskus.ammatilliset.sos+terv.oppisopimus.keskustelu
44
Yes but you’re Spot and you’re Not
Allowed so fuck off fuzz-nuts and
don’t wee on my carpet again.
Andy Wardley, 5 August
Nothing brings people together like
nude lime jello wrestling.
Except for maybe funny hats.
LUPUS YONDERBOY (ALEX SUTER), 6 August
99 and 44 hundredths of a percent of
my posts are cross-posted to
alt.religion.kibology. Where did you
*think* they’d go, sci.physics?
The other point five five percent of a
post went to alt.alien.visitors,
where it fit right in. The complete
text was “Aliens are doing
Kibo, 15 August
( CONTINUED ) 45
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Facts about the Philadelphia Experiment (was: Re: philadelphia experiment)
alt.paranet.ufo,alt.religion.kibology,alt.alien.visitors
Thu, 18 Aug 1994 06:01:09 GMT
<[email protected]>
In alt.paranet.ufo, Gary Stollman <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Al Bielek is a fake...He got the idea from the movie by John Carpenter...
THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENTOS
by James "Kibo" Parry / (C)1994
with a special guest paragraph by Matt McIrvin
"So if we connect the phase-flow inducer to the remodulating
transceiver... and route it into hyperspace," said LeVar Burton...
"...then the entire battleship will turn purple!" said Gerrit
Graham. The two of them were mad scientists in this modern year of
1943, two mad scientists fighting for right and decency for us all!
Outside the window, the USS Millipede was sailing around
Philadelphia Bay in circles, waiting for the experiment to begin.
The USS Millipede was to be the linchpin in a super-secret
super-scientific experiment that could determine the course of World
War II! Also, it was still 1943.
"But one thing still puzzles me, LeVar," said Gerrit while using a
pocket comb to try to get his hair to stop sticking up, "Why do we
want the ship to turn purple?"
"Well, Gerrit, as you know, it's 1943. We're fighting World War II."
"Gotcha! Oh, now I see it. You're saying that because we're at war
with the Germans, who are a nation of people so restrained by
inflexible logic, that if we paint the battleship purple, because
they know that battleships are not purple, to them it'll become
invisible! LeVar Burton, you're a genius!"
LeVar smiled and popped another peppermint-flavored Mentos(R) into
his mouth, then he used the roll of Mentos(R) to flip the big red
switch in really cool style.
Absolutely nothing happened to the USS Millipede, and it was still 1943.
*
*
*
*
Inspired by the fact that the time-travel special effect in
“The Philadelphia Experiment” (a movie many idiots think
is a true story!) looks like an oatmeal cookie spinning end
over end in outer space. I am not making this up.
I've never liked John Carpenter ever since killed the guy who played
Klink on "Hogan's Heroes". Anyway, Gary, here's the novella which the
movie was originally based on. It's from the archives of
alt.tv.x-files.creative. Enjoy.
*
( CONTINUED ) 46
*
*
*
*
*
Back in 1943, Gerrit Graham tried to figure out why the USS
Millipede hadn't turned purple or even do something simple like go
into another universe or get hit by the tumbling Time Cookie.
Suddenly he sneezed, spilling all his Mentos(R) directly into the
phase-flow flux inducing transitory remodulation destabilizer field
coil generator loop core zone. Lightning bolts shot out of it,
hitting both him and LeVar Burton! Gerrit's hair stood up straight,
forming a big semicircle around his cranium, while the shock blew
LeVar's opaque contact lenses out of his eyes. "I can see! I can
see!" screamed LeVar. He picked up a book and began to read it
aloud.
The title of the book was:
IT'S STILL THE YEAR 1943
*
*
*
*
*
After striking Spot, the Time Cookie bounced away, skipping across
the surface of space like a stone skipping across a pond filled with
Jell-O. Harlan Ellison clung on for dear life, expecting to never be
re-united with his prized collection of Barry B. Longyear novels,
Okay, I’ll explain one of the really complicated meta-references to bad science fiction: Harlan Ellison
once met a stupid producer who wanted him to write a “giant locust” movie. Harlan Ellison told him
about “the square-cube lawawawawaw” (Harlan’s spelling). Well, it’s generally believed that the
fellow was Bert I. Gordon, who did make the world’s first giant locust movie (as well as movies
about giant everything else.) Kibo believes his choice of subject was controlled by his initials.
Meanwhile, in the present day, somewhere in hyperspace, an
oatmeal-raisin cookie two miles wide tumbled and hurtled through a
universe of special effects. Harlan Ellison clung to an enormously
magnified tiny model of a building and wished he could rip the
eyeballs out of everybody in the entire world.
"What is that enormous oatmeal doing here, in direct violation of
the square-cube lawawawawawawaw?" he said, the distortion of the
slit-scanned hyperspace making his voice echo and flange digitally.
The cookie flipped over, revealing giant locusts crawling around on
the bottom. They were big, B. I. G.
Of course, Harlan Ellison, being a fictional creation, isn't
involved in this story at all. However, Spot, in the real world,
looked up just in time to see an oatmeal-raisin cookie two miles wide
falling on him. "Yap!" he screamed, before being crushed.
Meanwhile, back in 1943, absolutely nothing was still happening to
the USS Millipede, and it was still 1943 there. Spot wasn't, as
the cookie had hit him so hard he had been blasted into another
universe. And he was covered with crumbs! Poor Spot.
Spot looked around the other universe. "Wow," he said aloud, "this
universe looks identical to mine in just about every way! What a
coincidence!" He knew he was in another universe, though, because
all the buildings had burlap doors. "Ah!" yapped Spot, "BURLAP
DOORS!" Spot liked burlap doors and spent the next few minutes
running in and out of a nearby building, its dangling rectangle of
burlap sliding back and forth across Spot's sensitive face. "Ah!
Burrrrrlap doors!"
( CONTINUED ) 47
*
*
*
*
*
Spot was getting tired of rubbing his face against hanging burlap,
and besides, it was getting dark. He went through the burlap door
and turned on the light. He seemed to be in someone's home.
"Hi, little puppy," said the home's occupant, "My name is Clutch
Cargo. Please don't be frightened by my hideously grotesque
appearance but I have a rare lip disease known as Synchro-Vox."
Spot felt his lips twitching uncomfortably. A strange hazy
ellipse-shaped ring began to materialize around them! Clutch gasped.
"Oh no, doggie! You've caught my Synchro-Vox!"
"ARF." said the bright orange film of a pair of human lips that were
now superimposed on Spot's face. "BARK." Spot wanted to ask if
there was a cure for Synchro-Vox, but the evil lips had assumed
control of his face! "WOOF." He was unable to move his facial
muscles at all! "BOW WOW."
*
*
*
*
*
Gerrit finished getting his hair to lie reasonably flat. "And one
more thing that bothers me, LeVar..."
"Yeah?"
"It's still 1943, right?"
"Yeah, so?"
"But why is it 1943? Oh, sure, last year was 1942, and the year
before that was 1941, but why were #those# years 1942 and 1941? Why
isn't it, say, 1066?"
LeVar grinned. "Easy question, Gerrit. It's 1943 because we're in
the middle of World War II. If it were 1066, we'd be in the middle
of the Battle of Hastings, and as you may have noticed, we're #not#
wearing suits of armor!"
Gerrit's hair jumped back into upright position. "Ah, 1066, the
Battle of Hastings! They used whattle-and-daub construction then!
In the olden days, ruffians would steal from barrels by removing the
staves!" He began to twirl around madly for no reason.
LeVar couldn't believe his eyes! He was seeing the Blezmo Effect
Harlan had his name inserted into the “Terminator” credits after a lawsuit, then it
was left off of the videodisc, and he got mad again. (He’s always mad.) Clutch
Cargo was as cartoon character (like Scott McCloud, Space Angel) who was a still
picture with human lips. Conan O’Brien obviously liked Synchro-Vox as a child.
giving up all hope of ever collaborating with Rockne S. O'Bannon on
writing the "NBC's seaQuest DSV" movie. Now he'd never get to finish
renting all those Band Brothers movies! He sobbed into a hankie and
clung to the tiny plastic buildings on the surface of the Time
Cookie, designed to look like enormous buildings which were half the
size of the ordinary locusts walking about on the other side.
The cookie sailed off into the infinite unknown, passing a 40-column
ASCII graphic of a space station--the name of the place: Babylon 1.
Michael O'Hare looked out the window and waved at Harlan, then ripped
off his mask to reveal he was really Barbara Bain! Harlan screamed
and lost his grip, falling off into the void, never to be seen again.
Somewhere else, people started erasing his name from the "Terminator 2”
credits again.
( CONTINUED ) 48
*
*
*
*
*
Spot ran and ran down the main street of the alternate version of
his home town, in the other universe, upset that all the other dogs
were making fun of his really fake-looking orange lips with an oval
around them! Dogs can be so cruel, especially to other dogs who have
human lips.
*
*
*
*
*
Frantically, LeVar worked the controls of the megamodal multiphasic
periodic interositer, attempting to reverse the polarity of the
neutron flow. He switched on S.U.S.I.E. (the Synchro Universal
Sinometric Integrated Equitensor) and rubbed a fresh roll of
Mentos(R) against the input sensor, hoping this would repair whatever
damage they had accidentally done to the space-time continuum. He
set his slide rule to 7 and then activated the vorpal nexus of a
hexagon's square root of the fourth dimensional relativity factor.
*
*
*
*
*
The Time Cookie swooped down and bumped into Spot, knocking his fake
lips off! "Gee, thanks!" barked Spot as the cookie readied to make a
strafing pass. It flew past, spitting rock-hard raisins at him, then
did a lovely Immelmann followed by a bank turn and a three-cushion
maneuver, plowing into Spot so hard that he was propelled back into
his original universe. However, he didn't return to the present--he
returned to the past. The past, where it was-NINETEEN FORTY-THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*
*
*
*
*
Gerrit woke up just in time to see Spot appear in mid-air before him
and fall to the ground with a soft thud. "Hey, LeVar, what's this?
You've materialized a puppy! Better run a Level 3 flea scan on it!"
Spot wondered what the heck was going on. As always, when Spot's
train of through passed the speed of spreading lichen, he began to
drool uncontrollably. Seeing several Mentos(R) lying on the floor
made Spot's saliva into a raging torrent of spittle! Some of it
landed in the interositer, causing S.U.S.I.E. to create a group of
big gold octahedra which floated around the room and then strangled
Gerrit. Then a giant computer-generated octopus materialized in the
middle of the room and sawed the lab in half with a laser beam, while
a badly-digitized picture of Patrick MacNee talked about how great
Okay, “S.U.S.I.E.” comes from a wonderful monster movie, filmed in Mexico, called
“Kronos” (not the one you’re thinking of.) It’s about a giant robot that makes snowsuit-leg
noises as it walks (whiff! whiff! whiff!) Jeff Morrow used S.U.S.I.E. to stop it. I have no
idea if they realized that “Sinometric” means it measures the population of China.
for himself! Gerrit was in the grip of powerful forces first
discovered by Prof. Belrick Blezmo! "Uh oh, Gerrit, I think this is
a sign that we've been monkeying with powers beyond our control!
You've been bitten by the Blezmo Effect!"
Gerrit didn't answer, as he was too busy spinning around and passing out.
( CONTINUED ) 49
the Millennium Power Pack battery was. LeVar grabbed Spot's collar
and started dragging him towards the door. "Come on, little dog! We
have to get out of here--now!"
As the vast scientific complex blew up behind them, in 1943, they
got into a submarine, closed the hatch, and set out into the Atlantic
at full speed. Unfortunately, they both died, because the submarine
had burlap doors.
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Message-ID:
Organization:
Date:
Your mission, should you choose to accept it.
<[email protected]>
Sun, 21 Aug 1994 09:50:52 GMT
Write the worst possible piece of fan fiction in any *.creative group.
(Works best if you haven't seen the show.)
alt.drwho.creative
alt.ql.creative
alt.startrek.creative
alt.tv.x-files.creative
rec.arts.comics.creative
E.g., in alt.tv.x-files.creative you could make a post in which Winky
and the talking chimp clutch a brass railing really tightly for about
ten pages and then there's a cream pie fight and Jim Nabors sings the
closing theme song in his Gomer Pyle voice.
For alt.startrek.creative, you could write a story about the secret life
of Sulu's left sock as it plays twelve games of Pac-Man which are
described in excruciating detail, and then the USS Enter Prize lands on
Earth and then there's an entire chapter from the Bible and then it ends
in mid-sentence with a row of ten thousand "."s.................................
For rec.arts.comics.creative, you could draw an entire comic book in
ASCII with little speech ballons saying nothing but "Zoicks!" and
"Hullabaloo!" in every single panel.
My entry was the "Philadelphia Experimentos"
originally posted to alt.tv.x-files.creative
no compliments. I must have written a truly
people who like to read _fan fiction_ didn't
So choose a group and get to work!
story, which when
only got two complaints and
terrible story if even
enjoy it!
A prize will be awarded in your dreams.
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 50
Sleep tight.
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?
…
(No, I won’t tell you about the watermelons
we had in the back room at the
Great American in Schenectady in ’87.
Go to bed. Sleep tight.)
KIBO, 10 August
The spectral duck can’t
write haiku because its nose
needs no toasted cheese.
— K.
I AIN’T NO AL GINSBERG!
Kibo, 12 August
Yeah, and Kibo might fly outta my butt, too.
DARREN P. MCKEEMAN, 17 August
( CONTINUED ) 51
From:
Subject:
MNewsgroups:
sci.physics, alt.religion.kibology, alt.sci.physics.new-theories,
alt.usenet.kooks
Followup-To:
Date: Wed, 3 Aug 1994 06:59:10 GMT
In some flamewar in sci.physics, Alexander Abian <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> No one forces you to read TIME HAS INERTIA. Put TIME HAS INERTIA in your
> kill-file to avoid getting goat!
Maybe someone should explain, one more time, how to move Dr. Abian from
a global kill-file into a galactic kill-file?
(Or at least into a hollow AIDS virus so that Ludwig Plutonium can
keep an eye on him. Or at least into a purple and yellow striped neutrino
so that Hanna-Maria can color him in.)
> You leave me no choice but to reciprocate by telling you that what you wrote is
> crap (using your own word) crap, crap and crap and nothing else.
> [...]
> 4 line explanation (see above). You have given your answer to the same
> question of J.T. Urban by spouting (your own word) 19 lines of
> total crap (your own word), crap and crap. Of course you have to
> mention Schroedinger's equation and its Hamiltonian. These do not
> explain anything. They are pure cosmetics , using your own word,just,
> crap. Your own beloved word "crap", crap and crap.
>
> Just ask Mr.Urban whose answer has more content, more intelligence, more
> insight my 4 lines or you 19 lines of (using your word) crap !
Look, someone's taught Dr. Abian a three new words: "crap", crap, and crap.
Note that the last two are subtly different because one's at the end and
one's in the middle. Also, one is COVERED WITH 200 TONS OF COSMETIC LAVA!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Your phrase "while we should be open minded " is an insidious (using
your beloved word) crap. Yes, open minded provided it conforms with
your views. Socrates, Copernicus, Galileo were severely ostracized,
banned for many , many years, put under house arrest or forced to be
eliminated and all charged with "misinforming the youth ". Please stop
this Gestapo-KGB tactics - "misinforming the youth" crap (your own
word) - the youth is better informed without (using your word) your crap.
If I may just jump into this flamewar for a moment, I'd like to stick my
own word in here. Dr. Abian, you are a total phlezofigle (my own word.)
You are such a phlezofigle (my own word), that you're completely
phlezofiglicious (my own word.) In my own words, your theories are
( CONTINUED ) 52
"phlezofiglic", phlezofiglic, and phlezofiglic.
Please ensure that the new word is spelled correctly when you flame me,
otherwise it'll make you look stupid.
> I never screamed that moon is made of green cheese- most probably you
> screamed that (using your word) crap. As far as center of Universe
> is concerned - I am the center of the Universe !
Big fat hairy deal. I am the EDGE of the Universe. I face outwards and
never have to look at you. However, no matter which direction you turn,
you always can see me thumbing my nose at your phlezofiglosity.
> As far as science is concerned a closed-minded person like you should
> not spout (using your own word) his (using your own word) crap.
Excuse me, but I don't think "his" is anyone's personal property.
Next you'll be telling me you've discovered an integer between 3 and 5
and will sue anyone who uses it.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------> TIME HAS INERTIA. EQUIVALENCE OF TIME AND MASS: (1/T)+(1/log M) = 1 (ABIAN).
> ALTER EARTH'S ORBIT AND TILT - STOP EPIDEMICS OF CANCER, CHOLERA, AIDS, ETC.
> VENUS MUST BE GIVEN A NEAR EARTH-LIKE ORBIT TO BECOME A BORN AGAIN EARTH
ABIAN MUST BE GIVEN A NEAR-BEER ENEMA TO BECOME A PHLEZOFIGLE-WAVING ZEPTONAK
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
call for phlezofiglers
ed, 3 Aug 1994 07:10:21 GMT
<[email protected]>
I hereby humbly submit that Alexander Abian is a phlezofigle, and
we should all run--don't walk--to sci.astro and sci.physics to call
him a phlezofigle.
In the past, we've seen that he fixates on some particular bit of word
salad for about a month, using it six times in every post (e.g. "NEWTON
IS COVERED WITH 200 TONS OF COSMETIC LAVA!" gave way to "You are a
pre-pubescent pre-Cambrian pre-neolithic neanderthal!" and now it's
"'crap', crap, and crap.") I bet we could get him to start shouting
"PHLEZOFIGLE!" at everyone.
-- K.
Phlezofigle yer mama!
( CONTINUED ) 53
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: 8th house placements:):):):):):)
alt.astrology, alt.religion.kibology
Wed, 3 Aug 1994 08:00:07 GMT
<[email protected]>
In alt.astrology, Beth Cunningham <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> I don't mean to sound negative, but I don't see Mars/Uranus/Pluto
> conjunct in the 8th house as very sexy, at all unless you're in to S&M!
I could make a pun on "M&M Mars" here, but I don't think puns are
permitted on alt.astrology.
> I hope you have some nice Venus or moon aspects!
What'll happen to my moon aspect if Dr. Abian from sci.astro succeeds in
blowing it to bits to alter the Earth's tilt? I worry that someday he
may actually do this with a nuclear missile he built in his basement,
and that it will have some weeeeird effects, like gravity will move in
zigzags and instead of being a big circle, the zodiac will be a rectangle.
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
sci.physics, sci.astro, alt.religion.kibology
Thu, 4 Aug 1994 21:26:10 GMT
<[email protected]>
Andrew Beings wrote:
>
> > Has this experiment been tried? If so, are there no more economical
> > explanations? To me, this appears to be somewhat phlezofiglic.
Alexander Abian answered:
>
> Yes, the following is a more economical explanation
> From now on, please refer to this explanation.
(using your terminology):
It's more economical, but it still seems quite phlezofiglicious.
Can't you do anything about that?
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 54
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
sci.astro, alt.religion.kibology, alt.usenet.kooks, sci.math, sci.physics
Followup-To:
alt.religion.kibology, alt.usenet.kooks
Date: Sun, 14 Aug 1994 06:24:34 GMT
Message-ID:
<[email protected]>
In sci.astro, Alexander Abian <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> In this connection, I think a moral and decent thing to do - for people
> who read my postings - is to contribute to the newsnet fund some $ per
> postings of mine that they read.
Unlike Dr. Abian, my articles are completely content-free, worthless,
and a waste of time, so whenever anyone reads one of my articles they
should IMMEDIATELY ask for a TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR CHECK from the nearest
Newsnet Fund Site. If you would like to know where your local Newsnet
Fund Site is, please ask Dr. Abian. Thank you.
-- K.
You may now stop
reading this article.
... you should be forced to read all of
Kibo’s articles inside-out through a
magnifying glass before you’re
allowed to call your parents in the
morning.
Lewis McCarthy, 16 August
Why is it that nobody makes
raspberryade any more?
KIBO, 2 September
( CONTINUED ) 55
BEWARE!
There is a
SCARY
MONSTER
on the next page!
SCARY
MONSTER AT
THE END OF
THIS BOOK!
Hey Kids! Don’t forget,
the SCARIEST
MONSTER OF ALL is
AT THE END OF
THIS BOOK!
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: SKIT21 of 22,NEANDERTHAL PARK2, evolutionists team with religionists
sci.bio, alt.sci.physics.plutonium, alt.religion.kibology
Fri, 1 Jul 1994 22:55:49 GMT
<[email protected]>
Ludwig Plutonium <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> I did not have the time to finish this skit, someone can finish it and
> make it funnier.
> [...]
> embarrassed to face illegitimate bastards after teaching 20 years of
> evolution
> was false
> embarrassed to face coed student who after several biology field trips
> the teacher was able to exchange sex for a good grade and admit that
> his teachings on evolution
> were false.
I was going to post the additional ten pages I wrote to Ludwig's
brilliant satire, but it just wasn't up to his standard, so I changed
the title and sold it to the producers of "Small Wonder". Tune in next
week to see little Vicki (the girl who's REALLY A ROBOT) denounce
ILLEGITIMATE BASTARDS AFTER TEACHING 20 YEARS OF
EVOLUTION
WAS FALSE!!!!!!!!!!
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Ludwig Plutonium)
NEANDERTHAL PARK4,SKIT 1 of 10, a take-off of "Tora, Tora, Tora"
alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban,sci.bio
Dartmouth College, Hanover, NH
7 Aug 1994 19:55:06 GMT
<[email protected]>
[email protected] (Lewis "Futplex" McCarthy) writes:
>
> Ludwig Plutonium <[email protected]> writes:
> $
> $
Well then, one more provoking poster and I will resume NEANDERTHAL
> $ PARK series. And as for David Erwin, I wish him a good day, pleasant
>
> Cooool- I was afraid I'd missed some of it while I was away. Can you still
> get djk to star in the next installment ?
>
> Hey, Ludwig ! HAVNDWFATLBT !
>
( CONTINUED ) 58
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
My question is this: if the plastic bag attached to the oxygen masks on
commercial aircraft doesn't inflate when the mask is used, *why is it there* ?
If y'all can't answer, I might have to annoy the good people in sci.physics.
Don't disappoint me.
-Mckibo
"Hang out, get used to our superior math skills." -Elbert Hannah
in alt.women.attitudes
[email protected] (Daniel Wendel) writes:
>
> The votes are in, the wierdest critter is....
>
> [drumroll]
>
> Ludwig Plutonium!!!!!!
>
> --Daniel
>
> -> ===============It's more fun if you spell it with a "K!"===============
> Daniel Wendel
Slightly Mad Biologist
>
email: [email protected] -or- [email protected]
> ===============Disclaimer: "It's not my _fault_!"=====================
This take-off of the movie Tora, Tora, Tora has few actors. Lewis
"Futplex" McCarthy is the main actor, acting as a Japanese Zero pilot,
and also Daniel Wendel as his comrade Zero pilot. This movie is a fight
between the USA and Japan over trade-wars and sanctions. The USA is
trading open cockpit aircraft to Japan in exchange for Ninja Turtles
made out of chocolate. Of course the Swiss are furious over the
Japanese getting into the chocolate business and have threatened to
pull off the market all Swiss Army Knives from all mail order catalog
businesses. This has the weekend campers all upset.
The other main actor is the movie director played by Kibo. Kibo has
been banned from all computers and the NET, and this is his first movie
directing debut.
Kibo: "Futplex, when you fly over New York City and the New York
Times newspaper building you are not to unload the bomb carriage, . ."
Futplex: "What is this plastic bag on my parachute?"
Daniel Wendel: "That is the book of mormon written on plastic for
your last prayer, . . ."
Kibo to Futplex: "Did you hear me, not unload . . ."
Futplex: "I know, I say Torah, Torah, Torah, with a Japanese grin . . ."
Kibo to Futplex: "Say it while looking at your Japanese companion
Daniel Wendel nosediving in unison, with a Japanese mustache grinning, . .
Kibo to make-up-artists: "Where are the Japanese fine hair mustaches?
( CONTINUED ) 59
Kibo: "Places, action, camera, take eleven . . .
Daniel Wendel to Kibo: "I thought my lines were "This is the Place,
This is the Place""
Kibo to Daniel Wendel: "No, we have to wait when you fly over the
Wasatch Mountains and divebomb SLC."
Futplex: "We can't divebomb SLC that is where we imported cold fusion
to France and then by the Stealth bomber into imperial Japan."
Daniel Wendel: "Yes we can, ... that is where Steve Jones preaches
mormon fusion."
AT THE END OF THIS SKIT show three young catholic children predicting
this entire outcome more than 50 years ago in some valley of Portugal.
Show Daniel Wendel amongst some bushes looking for a Mary apparition,
while sipping Mormon tea. Play Ave Maria at the end of this skit the
same as in the movie Alive of a wrecked airplane. Play the religious
fiction song, not the true science song of Ave Mathematica (Maria
replaced with the word mathematica).
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Question for Mr. Plutonium re coiffure
5 Dec 1994 18:01:19 GMT
<[email protected]>
Ludwig Plutonium was previously known as Ludwig von Ludvig,
and is now legally known as Archimedes Plutonium. He is the
discoverer of the PLUTONIUM ATOM TOTALITY, which says the
whole Universe is one of the electrons in a big plutonium atom.
Still on the import docks? Here is ten dollars, boy, run down to the
True Value Hardware and buy a Mexican import mustache. Et tu Brute. And
don't dally at the Taco stand." "I prefer to make my movies in South
Africa where young people obey."
Kibo to Daniel Wendel: "And after Futplex says Torah, Torah, Torah
you say Talmud, Talmud, Talmud across the open cockpit as the two of
you divebomb on the New York Times. Remember the grin, the grin is all
important."
Archimedes Plutonium <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>
And, Kibo, just the other day I was sitting at a computer station
> when along comes a pretty blonde who sits next to me. It did not stay a
> pretty sight for long because shortly she started to twirl her hair,
> and play with it. And I was doing some physics and math. And I get
> upset over this behavior, just as I hate gum chewers popping bubbles or
> with their mouths open chewing like an animal.
Show Archimedes Wonka leading several naughty children through his
chocolate factory. An enormous mechanism covered with spinning gears
spews liquid chocolate (colored a strangely sickly red-orange) and
whipped cream.
( CONTINUED ) 60
ARCHIMEDES WONKA:
TOTALITIZER:
BLONDE:
And *this* is my revolutionary, non-pollutionary
Plutonium Atom Everlasting Totalitizer!
Shlurp.
Shlurp.
*BOING*.
Shlurp.
Shlurp.
*BOING*.
It makes me want to twirl my hair!
Show blonde twirling her hair. Show hair getting caught in gears of
Everlasting Totalitizer and pulling blonde into large dark scary chute
from which liquid chocolate pours.
CHARLIE:
What's happened to her?
ARCHIMEDES WONKA:
Well, that chute only leads to the Wonkamatic
Interdimensional Guillotine on alternate Tuesdays,
so I suppose she has a sporting chance... One more
naughty bad child taken care of, eh?
Show orange-faced, green-wigged Oompa-Loompas entering the scene.
They sing a song.
OOMPA-LOOMPAS:
Oompa, loompa, deedle-dee-queep,
If you're bad you'll get killed in your sleep!
Twirling hair or picking your nose?
We'll suck your organs out through a quarter-inch hose!
Cut to commercial, so the kids can come out from under the bed for a
while.
-Matt
01234567
<-- Indent-o-Meter
McIrvin
^
Question for Luwig Plutonium: If the
Universe is a Plutonium atom, is it an
actual physical one, or a virtual one? I
was reading about virtual particles and
now I’m worried that the Universe is one,
in which case we’d better all start
believing in it *real hard*.
Kibo, 2 September
( CONTINUED ) 61
6-7 August, 1994
Demolition of “Skibo Hall” at
Cernegie-Mellon U completed.
By an astonishing coincidence,
Skibo was shaped like the letter H.
62
I AM PROMISING NOW TO
CHOOSE MY SUBJECT LINE
AS I PLEASE
Alexander Abian, early September
...I thought my official sci.physics
nickname was “Kibo, the Dr. Zachary
Smith of his day.”
KIBO, 2 September
Kibologists are the reason why crop circles
are never circular. We wait until a genuine
UFO lands, and run out into the circular
landing area and add on all those extra
doohickeys that make it look like those
symbols they used on newspaper weather
maps back in the fifties before they
discovered that clouds and the sun had
little happy faces and made lightning bolts.
Kibo, 7 September
( CONTINUED ) 63
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Michele Eden Tepper)
Re: HAND? (Was Re: Doctress Neutopia Speaks!)
alt.usenet.kooks, alt.religion.kibology, rec.humor
University of Michigan
4 Aug 1994 15:24:34 GMT
<[email protected]>
>
> Michele Eden Tepper writes:
> >
> > Die slowly, Dickson.
>
> Have you now converted to the "hard-boiled", "neo-Fauvist" school of
> literature?
Neo-what? Neo-who?
This, from the man who said, and I quote:
> Ah, you literature students, always being so creative in your writing!
> You're far too clever for a simple software engineer like me. Why, I
> wouldn't know one of your rattanical divans if I was sitting on it.
Ah, you software engineers, always being so creative in your editing!
You're far far too clever for a simple humanities geek like me.
No doubt next time I log on I will see you referring to me as "caught up
in the discursive traps laid by the neo-Romanticism of contemporary
prosopopoeia," and then what will I do?
It was a cold afternoon in cyberspace. Rain fell lightly on the crumbling
sidewalks and the sky was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel.
A tall dark-haired woman dressed entirely in black stood under the fading
awning of Joe's Espresso and Tackle Shop and watched idly as the little
electronic cars zipped back and forth on the rain-slicked streets. A few
minutes later, a man stepped under the awning to join her.
She looked at him critically. The trench coat and old hat
shouted out his attempts to remain inconspicuous, and she did not think
the slight facial tic could bode much good. Still, she reminded herself,
on this sort of short notice, you take what you can get. "What's your
view of modernist poetry?" she asked.
"T.S. Eliot," he responded, "was a girlie-man."
This was her hired gun, all right -- he knew the secret password.
"What do you want?" he asked.
"I want you to take someone out."
"What, for dinner?"
"No," she said disgustedly. "I want you to take him out. You know."
"Look, lady, I don't know what you heard, but I'm a happily married --"
"I want him off my screen. Capisce?"
( CONTINUED ) 64
"That's a pretty tall order, lady." He adjusted the brim of his
grim-covered hat. "Specially seeing as how you're not native to this
part of town. You could make yourself some powerful enemies."
"I've made some contacts inside the Kibo organization. Trust me,
this one won't be missed." Checking the street to make sure she was not
being watched, she handed the man a slip of paper with an account name on it.
"This guy? I know this guy."
"I know. Everyone knows this guy. But he still has to go. Trust
me," she said in her huskiest voice, "I'll make it worth your while."
"The fee we discussed?"
"The fee we discussed. And a mention in the net.legends FAQ."
"You must really want this guy killfiled."
"It's not so much that. I just want to teach him some respect.
He's been messing with the editing when he responds to my posts. And
he steps on my punch lines. I can take a lot, Mister, but I won't take
that."
The assassin shook his head in wonderment. Dames, he concluded,
were just weird. "How'm I supposed to find this guy? Cyberspace ain't
no hick town. He could be anywhere."
She reached for the black canvas bag that had been resting by her
feet and pulled out a shiny new toaster. It was beginning to sprout
something that he couldn't quite identify from its sides. Arms, maybe.
"This is an immature one. It'll lead you back to the nest. And at the
nest, you will find him."
He took the toaster, which made a feeble flapping noise as it
passed between the two of them. "You're sure about this, now?"
"Oh, yes. Quite sure."
The makers of Rocky Horror Picture
Show have forbidden me from ever
again attending a midnight showing of
the film because last time I spoiled it
for *everyone*.
I’m only allowed to watch the film now,
not to participate.
KIBO, 24 August
( CONTINUED ) 65
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Richard Barber)
Re: Good vs evil debate anyone?
alt.religion.christian, alt.satanism, alt.religion.kibology
South_Valley_Internet
25 Jul 1994 20:29:16 -0700
<[email protected]>
Bruce Ediger ([email protected]) wrote:
:
: [email protected] (Berzerk) wrote:
: > Warning, this is a thread posted to alt.religion.kibology, and if you
: > will look there it is obvious that the people there are not interested in
: > discussion, but just want to play with anyone who is stupid enough to
: > share your opinion with them.
:
: WARNING, this a thread posted to by "Berzerk" a pseudonym of a very bad
: speller. This thread will become a magnet for silly, highly revealing
: misspellings.
:
: > P.S. no Libertarian I have ever met thinks that rape is ok, most are very
: > moral people. This is typical of the kind of trash that the people on
: > alt.religion.kibology spread. I am sure you have seen many other
: > falsehoods in this thread, this is their game, to be the master of lies.
:
: KIBO IS SATAN! IMMINENT DEATH OF THE NET PREDICTED! Also, "Berzerk", you
: need to get your possesives to match up. "their game" indicates that more
: than one person is playing. "the master of lies" indicates only one person.
: It should have been "the masters of lies", I believe.
:
: > You will find much beter people among both saintin worshipers and
: > christians, although I am neither.
:
: KIBO IS SAINTIN! IMMINENT DEATH OF THE NET PREDICTED! OBLIGATORY HILTER
: REFERENCE: Kibo is Hilter.
:
: Sincerely,
: kBruce (The 'k' means I misspelled "Hilter" twice on purpose.)
No, three times.
---E am not especially clever, just basically very average, E merely try
to maximise thee effectiveness of whatever gifts or abilities E have by
focusing them towards what E want to happen.
Genesis P-Orridge
finger for PGP public key
9 Jul 81
TGHQGB
Geek v2.1: GAT d--- H->+ s+ g+6 au0 !a w+++(---) v(---)>* C++++ US+++(++++) !P
3+ L+ E---- N++ K+>+++++ W--- M+$ V- po--- Y++(+) t j--IRC G++
b+++ B- e* u---* h!>++@ f* r++ n+ y-**$
( CONTINUED )
66
I just saw a tape of the original
Ronald McDonald,
before they made him white.
Kibo, giving an example of a troll, 2 September
...your millenium's primitive telephones.
Also I need help figuring out how to
express my date of departure in your
calendrical system, and I need to warn
him not to pull this sort of thing too
often, until they figure out how to avoid
chronal splarging in the year
73 Triangular Red.
MATT MCIRVIN, early September
In *my* century, our time periods are
called “units”.
KIBO’s reply, 7 September
( CONTINUED ) 67
Anyone want to set this to rap music?
alt.religion.kibology, talk.bizarre
<[email protected]>
Fri, 12 Aug 1994 05:19:11 GMT
"WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?"
[from a religious tract. The typographically inclined should
print this out in 5pt Peignot Bold and then Xerox it to
duplicate the amazingly poor look of the original.
The capitalization, spelling, etc., is from the original.]
"WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?"
Kicking it in the hood - just the way you think you should.
If you would you could get out without a doubt,
STOP and THINK, "Where are YOU going?"
"What are YOU doing for awhile?"
You know you just can't even smile.
Kicking it in the hood - just the way you think you should.
If you would you could get out without a doubt,
STOP and THINK, "Where are YOU going?"
"What are YOU doing for awhile?"
You know you just can't even smile.
Acting hard, 38 snubnose always at your guard,
Cruising around, just being a clown not knowing you might hear
That big banging sound, then all you hear and think is hitting that cold
Concrete hoping you won't be that next "pound of raw meat!"
Or YOU might end up paralyzed from head to feet.
Friday night kicking with the homeboys,
Discussing things about the new toy trying to figure out the best plan
to destroy. There in the morning, dark as night - not a thing in sight.
Not even the car lights. Knowning deep down in your heart
You don't even want to start.
All the varrios in the world, you say, "I hate that other place."
Little do you know who is leading the race!
It's just SATAN laughing in your face.
And being a big disgrace to your Mom and Dad - doesn't that make you sad?
But you'll never know what it is to be glad until YOU meet the Lord
Jesus Christ as Savior, and change that wicked behavior,
Saves que loco/loca do YOU know who leads YOUR gang?
Well, I do, his name is SATAN. He's the leader of all Gangs
And evil doing. Your leader cares about you so much he makes
it so you kill one another, and he wants you to join him in HELL!
Cause he'll be there FOREVER - so turn or burn!!
Acting hard, 38 snubnose always at your guard,
Cruising around, just being a clown not knowing you might hear
That big banging sound, then all you hear and think is hitting that cold
Concrete hoping you won't be that next "pound of raw meat!"
Or YOU might end up paralyzed from head to feet.
Friday night kicking with the homeboys,
Discussing things about the new toy trying to figure out the best plan
to destroy. There in the morning, dark as night - not a thing in sight.
Not even the car lights. Knowning deep down in your heart
You don't even want to start.
All the varrios in the world, you say, "I hate that other place."
Little do you know who is leading the race!
It's just SATAN laughing in your face.
And being a big disgrace to your Mom and Dad - doesn't that make you sad?
But you'll never know what it is to be glad until YOU meet the Lord
Jesus Christ as Savior, and change that wicked behavior,
Saves que loco/loca do YOU know who leads YOUR gang?
Well, I do, his name is SATAN. He's the leader of all Gangs
And evil doing. Your leader cares about you so much he makes
it so you kill one another, and he wants you to join him in HELL!
Cause he'll be there FOREVER - so turn or burn!!
[I especially like the mutant Spanish, and the typography. It's a shame
you can't see this printing. Blurry 5pt Peignot Bold is something to fear.
The tract originated in San Jose, California, of course.]
-- K.
Peignot Bold is best known
as the Mary Tyler Moore font.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Message-ID:
Organization:
Date:
( CONTINUED ) 68
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: LP archive updated
alt.sci.physics.plutonium, alt.religion.kibology
Wed, 10 Aug 1994 04:09:13 GMT
<[email protected]>
Ludwig Plutonium <[email protected]> wrote:
>
Thanks, Kibo. It bears repeating. PU, PLuto blessed James "Kibo" Parry
> to The Fields of Elysium. ATOM
Ludwig, would you still bless me if I admitted to committing a federal
crime? The other day my coins got stuck in the farebox of the #87 bus
and I had to use my house key to pry them out and the bus was moving the
whole time and I was IN FRONT OF THE WHITE LINE WHICH FEDERAL LAW
PROHIBITS OPERATION OF THE BUS WHILE KIBO IS STANDING IN FRONT OF IT.
Waah!
Since it was a Boston (T)-bus, now the (T) cops have to put me in (T) jail on (T) TV.
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Followup-To:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Deadly new computer virus sighted!
alt.religion.kibology, alt.wired, alt.online-service.america-online, alt.sex
alt.folklore.computers, alt.stupidity
Wed, 10 Aug 1994 05:11:43 GMT
<[email protected]>
A rapidly-reproducing new computer virus was recently discovered by
technicians in the Cambridge MA research lab of NASA. This virus is
already quite prevalent on all major networks, and has already attached
itself to many programs people have 'downloaded' (copied into their
computer). This new virus can be spotted by looking for the file which
contains the virus; the infected file is always named "READ.ME".
On one PC we checked, almost every program which had been downloaded
came with a "READ.ME"! A few included a "README.1ST" which we believe
to be a mutant strain. (There is also a Macintosh version of the virus,
which names its files "Read Me First!")
If you own any commercial or shareware programs which include a
named "READ.ME", these files could give you a COLD, the FLU, or
DANGEROUS DISEASE if you USE, TOUCH, or LOOK AT THEM. The only
cure this infection is to send ALL YOUR MONEY to ME, to TYPE IN
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVE, and to STICK PEZ IN YOUR EARS.
file
OTHER
way to
ALL CAPS
Thank you for your co-operation.
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 69
A work of genius, if I do say so,
and I’m bloody well saying so.
Kibo, after designing a .sig for someone, 24 August
I have an evil twin, but his name’s Xibo.
Avoid him at all costs: he may claim to
have a magnetic personality, but it's not
magnetism, it's DEADLY RADIATION
just like the stuff that comes
out of TV SETS!
KIBO, 24 August
Parody, pastiche, satire, and imitation
are the sincerest forms of comedy.
Kibo, mid-September
I’m no Kibo.
BRAD TEMPLETON, mid-September
(
CONTINUED ) 70
19 October, 1994
Kibo first hints KiboLuv he GETS
THE DAMN JOKE ALREADY:
Whoever you are, you are a
potent force for chaos in
the Universe, and you scare
the LIVING CRAP out of me.
-- K.
140lbs. of living crap
71
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: HAND? (Was Re: Doctress Neutopia Speaks!)
alt.usenet.kooks, alt.religion.kibology, rec.humor
NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 261-4700 guest)
Sat, 6 Aug 1994 01:20:22 GMT
<[email protected]>
Thus spake [email protected] (Greg Goebel):
>
> It looked like it was going to be a long day.
--==> Meanwhile back in Gotham <==-"Holy hippo hernias Batman! Come look at this!" Robin pointed
frantically at the BatTerminal. He had logged in to Batnet again.
Even a superhero needs some source of income. Batman, who was
also known to the world as billionaire, recluse, and ex-hockey great
Wayne Gretsky, had built up the Internet provider Batcom in the few
moments when he wasn't fighting crime. Based in San Jose, California,
nobody suspected that The Batman was in fact the soul owner. Batman
mused that it was just like any other business. He let the Boy Wonder
take care of the technical stuff anyway.
Batman took large, manly strides. Gazing over Robin's shoulder
he saw the terrible news. As clear as day in alt.fan.lemurs was
this message:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
X-ORIGINAL-NEWSGROUPS: rec.fan.batman, rec.boats.misc, alt.fan.lemurs
Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs
Subject: Re: Deadly Space Virus on my Mac???
Sender: [email protected]
HAHAHA! I'm a Panther Modern and I just released a deadly
space virus onto the 'net. Neener neener neener! You are
all weeners!
-- Larry (A Panther Modern)
Batman was stunned. While the Moderns had been known to
be violent in the past, they had since mellowed to collosal
practical jokes. Deadly space viruses were not their style at
all. The Dark Knight still owed them for the time they broadcast
his secret meetings with Commissioner Kibo on CNN. How they got
a camera in the Commissioner's Limo he still had no idea.
If this apparant confession proved true, the Moderns
would soon get a visit from the Deadly Duo. Ever since his near
defeat at the hands of the JokerVirus he had been fighting a
virtual war. Well, he had Robin fighting anyway.
--==> Meanwhile in an undisclosed location in the Sprawl <==--
( CONTINUED ) 72
The Real Yonderboy tended his garden. He enjoyed his
work, as it got him out into the open air. The open virtual-air
that is. Lupus was planting misinformation on various newsgroups.
He had already harvested three "Deckard Wasn't A Replicant's..!!"
this morning. It was an infantile game, he knew, but one that he had
enjoyed since being an infant. Besides, it was a darn sight
easier than getting past Tally Isham's guards. Just not quite as
satisfying. He idly patted the head of his new dog, a doberman
hybrid. He had named it, "Stain".
Suddenly Yonderboy sat up straight. Stain was so shocked
at actual movement from his master when he was in front of the
term, that he ran out through the burlap door and resumed eating
the couch. Dorene5, grooving to music that must have been an implant
as there was no visible leads in, moved to a different, less
palatable cushion.
"Zoinks," Yonderboy exclaimed, "We've been framed!" He
did not even need to look at the path to know what it would show:
>> Path: Fatdog.Batnet.COM!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!spot.burlap.com!
>> +
europa.eng.gtefsd.com!ceylon!news2.near.net!evil.menace.net!
>> +
badguy.hangout.net!newshost.evil.com!crd
"No fear! Those silly evil.com users are acting up again!
Stain, get over here. Stain! Come stain! COME STAIN!" he chuckled
again at how clever he was as the dog ran in, pausing only to
enjoy the burlap door.
"Now Stain, this is a very special dog treat. Very special.
I know you don't understand me know, but you are soon going to. The
research in nanotech has paid off. That's right. Balance it on your
nose... Now!"
Stain flipped the Scooby Snack into the air and crunched
it experently in his sharp teeth. They had been designed for rending
limbs apart, not for something as simple as a doggy treat. "God,"
thought Stain in perfect English, "this guy that feeds me sure isn't
fun. I never get to rend limbs. I want to rend! I want to chew! I
want to... to... read Shakespeare. Where is that library?"
Stain trotted off to the library. Yonderboy, not sure if
they brain enhancers were doing their work followed. He couldn't
find Stain anywhere, so he decided to wait him out. He walked down
the hall and opened the library door, the only one without a burlap
dog entrance. Stain was sitting on Lupus' best chair and wearing his
reading glasses. He was quoting something not immediately recognizable
to his master. Ex-master.
"Roo ree, ro rot roo ree. Rat ris ra reschun."
"Come Stain! We need to unsully our organizations name!"
Yonderboy was in a rush.
"Ro ray. Rets go!"
-- The Fake Yonderboy
( CONTINUED ) 73
I’m a certified genius as verified by the
Federal Office of Genius Certification.
Just like Bill Mumy! Also, yesterday I
managed to solve all but one side of
Rubik’s Cube!!!!
KIBO, 7 September
I once got a great handwritten note
from my local Church O’ Scientology
which wanted me to read Scientology:
The Fundamentals of Thought
because “It will take your head off!”
I like to pretend this was
a death threat.
Kibo, 14 September
I’m also still puzzled by the fact that
nobody can agree on how many feet are
in an E-meter.
KIBO, 13 September
( CONTINUED ) 74
CAREFUL!
There is a
SCARY
MONSTER
on the next page!
SCARY
MONSTER AT
THE END OF
THIS BOOK!
A Barbara Bain hand puppet
is nothing compared to
THE SUPER SCARY
MONSTER AT THE
END OF THIS BOOK!
A creepily noseless Barbara
Bain mannequin is peanuts
compared to
THE ULTRA-SCARY
MONSTER AT THE
END OF THIS BOOK!
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: FUCK ALL YOUR ASS
Wed, 10 Aug 1994 06:35:28 GMT
<[email protected]>
Biff learns a new word! Seen in alt.sex.stories; the last four lines
are so *precious*. (Tune in next week for "Why Johnny can't spell 'FUCK'!"
-- K.
Jose Dias Dos Campos <jose.dias.dos.campos%[email protected]> wrote:
>
> fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck your ass, fuck,fuck,fuck fuck your ass,
>
> I LIKE TO EAT EAT YOUR ASS
> I LIKE TO EAT EAT YOUR PUSSY
> I LIKE TO FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOUR ASS
> I LIKE TO FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOUR PUSSY
>
>
FUCK ALL, IN THE WORLD, I'M POSTING THIS MSG FROM BRAZIL, MANDIC BBS.
>
AND I LIKE TO FUCK THE SYSOP :-}
>
>
>
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
>
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
>
KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
>
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
My evil plan!
alt.religion.kibology, rec.arts.books, alt.books.anne-rice
Wed, 10 Aug 1994 07:00:32 GMT
<[email protected]>
I will rent the tiny sliver of every bookstore where all the books that
start with "T" go, then I will change the Dewey Decimal System's
alphabetization so that anything starting with "The" goes under "T-H-E"!
Then I will own ALL the books in the WORLD! It's that SIMPLE!
This can't fail because ALL books are organized by the DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM!
It's the LAW!
If anyone can see anything wrong with this let me know before I do it tomorrow.
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 78
From:
Subject:
Organization:
Newsgroups:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Tjames Madison)
Re: My evil plan!
Zen Arcade
alt.religion.kibology, rec.arts.books, alt.books.anne-rice
Wed, 10 Aug 1994 22:13:53 GMT
<[email protected]>
esme ([email protected]) wrote:
>
> In article <[email protected]> kibo writes:
> >
> > I will rent the tiny sliver of every bookstore where all the books that
> > start with "T" go, then I will change the Dewey Decimal System's
> > alphabetization so that anything starting with "The" goes under "T-H-E"!
> > Then I will own ALL the books in the WORLD! It's that SIMPLE!
> > This can't fail because ALL books are organized by the DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM!
> > It's the LAW!
> >
> > If anyone can see anything wrong with this let me know before I do it tomorrow.
>
> as a sometime worker in libraries, i see one flaw.
>
> fiction is not classifed under dewey d.s. only non-fiction, drama, poetry, and
> collections of short stories. this leaves all the novels out.
Is it September already? Didn't we just have one?
You're right. Fiction is actually classified under the Truman Decimal
System. That's what that guy holding up the "Dewey Defeats Truman" paper
was all about.
Most people probably don't know this. Then again, they probably don't
know that the Dewey system was originally intended to organize fantasy
baseball league statistics, either.
-"If you dare condemn my life it will come after you with a sharpened rake."
- steven jesse bernstein
I’m not even pompous
when I set down my tuba!
KIBO, 7 September
( CONTINUED ) 79
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Message-ID:
Date:
Re: UFO Anti-Gravity Secrets Revealed
alt.alien.visitors,alt.paranet.ufo,alt.religion.kibology
<[email protected]>
Fri, 12 Aug 1994 05:33:37 GMT
Gary Stollman <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> That makes me think of Kibo...hmmm...
Kibo makes me think of what would happen if Siskel and Ebert were
trapped inside a giant peanut butter sandwich that was being carried
along a conveyor belt towards a giant set of mechanical, chattering teeth.
GENE: I can't move my legs either.
ROGER: That's too bad. I know just how you feel. Say, wouldn't it be
better to be trapped in _creamy_ peanut butter just once?
GENE: I fail to see your point. Every little _kid_ I've met, even
old winos with their brains corroded away, knows that _chunky_ is
better!
ROGER: Yes, but all the directors think that, and that's why they always
use chunky. It's the _easy_ choice. Wouldn't it be more _daring_
to make a sandwich with creamy peanut butter for once? I've been
in so many chunky sandwiches that I'm, frankly, a little tired of them.
GENE: Well, that's your opinion and--YAAARGH!!!! AAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!
ROGER: AAAAEEEEAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!
(Blood squirts everywhere as the two film critics are masticated into
oblivion. Fade to black. End credits.)
-- K.
>
>
Gary
>
> -> BE GRATEFUL!! At least you didn't re-incarnate as a tree!!!
( CONTINUED ) 80
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
If newsgroups were rooms.
alt.religion.kibology, alt.angst
Fri, 12 Aug 1994 05:42:06 GMT
<[email protected]>
If rec.arts.startrek.* was an actual suite of rooms (like a con, only
without the entry fee) I'd put on this really ill-fitting Star Trek
uniform, with highwater pants and this oversized shirt emblem, and wear
my glasses crokked with tape holding them together, and mess up my hair,
and wear dress shoes with white socks, and walk into rec.arts.startrek.*
and say in the loudest, most geeky voice possible:
"HI!!!!!!!!!"
(pause)
"I'M NORRRMALLL!!!!!!!!"
(pause)
"I'M JUST LIKE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!"
Then my imaginary friend, Chuck Norris, would beat them all up.
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Astonishing Hypothesis
alt.sci.physics.new-theories, alt.religion.kibology, alt.fan.warlord, sci.physics
Fri, 12 Aug 1994 05:59:06 GMT
<[email protected]>
In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Jack Sarfatti <[email protected]> wrote:
>
|
>
|there-then
>
|
/\
>
|_/ | \
>
3 ___/
/1 /2
>
/
| | /
>
/
|/ _|
> ----------------here-now----------space
>
\
/|
>
\ /
>
P
|
>
|
That's the worst-looking ASCII Millennium Falcon I've ever seen!
And you left out the other two dimensions, silly.
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 81
BAZOOMS!
Kibo, quoting Charles Nelson Reilly, 13 September
Actually, under the HappyNet™ rules –
which went into effect last April – youth
are not only allowed to use HappyNet,
they’re *required*. And it's not just that
they’re responsible – *everyone* is
responsible for everything on the net!
Remember when you were in elementary
school and the whole class had to stay
late until the guy who put the crayon in
Mimi’s mitten and put it on the radiator
confessed? Well, HappyNet’s like that,
only now it’s suitable for kids of all ages!
KIBO, 15 September
( CONTINUED ) 82
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Does Ludwig Von deserve an internet account?
sci.physics, alt.religion.kibology, alt.usenet.kooks
Fri, 12 Aug 1994 09:36:02 GMT
<[email protected]>
In sci.physics, Jack Sarfatti <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> [email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:
> >
> > [email protected] (Jack Sarfatti) writes:
> >
> > > [...]
It's really quite ugly and mean-spirited
> > > of all of you who are using Ludvig et-al as scapegoats for your own
> > > insecurities in the claw and fang Academic Jungle in a time of
> > > rapidly shrinking budgets, political correctness and a general rise
> > > in barbarism masquerading as multiculturalism.
> >
> > I will give fifty dollars to anyone who can prove that this quote will
> > not fit into my .sig file.
>
> I mean't "claw and fang" not "tooth and fang" -written on the run in
> this instant internet world like some virtual Kung Fu battle on
> a video game played by an infant God.
Actually, I think I can fit both of those sentences into my .sig file.
I therefore award the fifty dollars to myself. I will spend it on
some laminated periodic table placemats which will be valuable antiques
once all the chemical elements are renamed after Usenet posters.
But while cramming your two scintillating sentences into my .sig,
is it okay if I fix the spelling of "phlezofigle" first?
-- K.
A girl wearing pants is, EQUALLY,
like a GUY WEARING A DRESS!
ROBERT MCELWAINE,
posted to soc.women,
time immemorial
( CONTINUED ) 83
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: There are MANY Authors on AFU!
alt.folklore.urban, alt.religion.kibology
Sun, 14 Aug 1994 11:11:14 GMT
<[email protected]>
In alt.folklore.urban, Barbara Hamel <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Then it hit me like a bolt from the sky -- an AFU video. (Yeah, I'm okay
> -- wasn't wearing any metallic undergarments that day.) Easy money and yet
> another highly-marketable product for the boys to flog out of the back of
> the white van. Rounded up a couple of AFUers who were looking to get more
> exposure on the group (they got it btw) and was able to produce the damned
> thing on a shoestring budget (rented the Batman costume by the day and bought
> a really lousy brand of peanut butter). No lox though -- not after Kim
> explained how much that stuff costs. The tight budget meant we had to cut
> the smoked salmon scene (which pissed off our SoFla correspondent to no end)
> but, hey, business is business. (Besides, he wanted to sing and I don't
> care what Kibo says, some things shouldn't be allowed.)
Yeah, some things shouldn't be allowed; it's just a damn shame we're
not allowed to not allow them. So we had to put up with cheap peanut
butter, and nobody would even take some home after the filming, because
Roger Ebert had been rolling in it. (Oh my word, I'm doing callbacks to
a post I made *days* ago. Stop me before I tie it in to net.bizarre.)
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Sig Question, Was(Re: BAGPIPES: John
alt.callahans, alt.religion.kibology
Mon, 15 Aug 1994 03:23:48 GMT
<[email protected]>
In alt.callahans, Joseph A. Admire <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Then Joe proclaims, "Every Kibologist must grasp the phlezofiglic truth;
> aseioniezi grows out of the futplex of a beable!"
Stop trying to use all the obscene nonsense words you know in one
sentence! Besides, you forgot noom, inkle, bazpacho, puh, and woxwox.
NEVER SAY THE WORD WOXWOX!!!!
> Kibology infected Joe's mind *long* ago...
Not successfully;
you weren't supposed to *notice*.
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 84
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (lmerkel on BIX)
Zen and the Art of Standing Up / merkel
alt.zen,alt.religion.kibology,alt.prose
Delphi Internet Services Corporation
9 Aug 94 07:09:21 GMT
<[email protected]>
ZEN AND THE ART OF STANDING UP
The history of Zen dialogues took another turn last week when
the karmady team of Abbot and Ka Sei-lo opened three nights at Fillmore
Central on the edge of the South Dakota Badlands, down the road from Mt.
Rushmore.
While customers were still being seated, the room
lights dimmed and a purple spot lit the small stage.
Two men walked on. The smaller one had a short white beard and
a crewcut, and wore a Tibetan-style yellow robe. The other, a bigger and
rounder man, had a Christian-style monk's robe and a red skull cap.
Ka Sei-lo, the bearded one, gazed at the ceiling.
"You know," he said, "Though a self-acknowledged Zen master, I
have long felt one major disappointment."
"Truly, Sei-lo? Tell me," the Abbot said.
"I have been asked thousands of questions, about every known
subject. But never one that I could not answer."
"Why do you suppose that is, Sei-lo?"
"I don't know."
A waiter carrying a tray of drinks and veggie dip tripped,
drenching a meditator in a go-go cage.
"Master Sei-lo," the Abbot said, "There is something about
which I would seek your wisdom."
"Shoot."
The Abbot drew a teacup out of his robe.
"The great masters say nothing really exists. If so, how
can I lift this teacup with my hand?"
Sei-lo said nothing.
"Master, I had the same response from the wise hermit, Shao-lu
Bong," the Abbot said.
"He is an ignorant fool."
During the following silence, several couples and one waiter
left the club.
"Master," said the Abbot, "What is the sound of no hand
clapping?"
Sei-lo held up a paper labeled "VEGAS CONTRACT" and
ripped it in half.
There was a short buzz of customer talk.
"Master Sei-lo," the Abbot said, "something has
perplexed me for many years. If the world is neither good nor
bad, why are some people heroes and others criminals?"
"The olive tree in the garden," the Master said.
( CONTINUED ) 85
"Well, let me ask this. Is there one true view of
reality?"
"Oh, I am so tired," Sei-lo said.
The Abbot tried again.
"Master, it is said people live many lives. Can we
remember those lives, to learn from them?"
Sei-lo wiped his brow.
"Why don't they air-condition this place?" he said,
though the club was cool.
"Master," the Abbot said with a smile, "I begin to understand
the deepness of your wisdom."
"There's a sucker born every minute," Sei-lo said,
gazing languidly upward.
The Abbot took an orange from within his robe.
"Master, what is this in my hand?"
Sei-lo slapped the hand. The orange soared into the audience,
burst open on a table and splashed a woman's dress.
"Trouble," Sei-lo replied.
The Abbot pulled his other hand out from his robe,
tightly gripping an apple in it.
"Master Sei-lo, what is in my hand?"
"That's not a hand, it's an apple."
"You're an ignorant fool," the Abbot said.
More customers started walking out.
"Hey, Abbot," Ka Sei-lo said, "What is the name of that
which has no name?"
"The second baseman."
"Who?" the Master asked.
"He's on first."
"Who's on first?"
"Exactly."
The customers near the door began returning to their tables.
----------------------------------------------------------------by Lee J. Merkel, 1994 revision of 1991 draft.
Usenet is now like a 70’s Irwin Allen
time travel movie, except
not NEARLY as WACKY.
TJAMES MADISON, 23 September
( CONTINUED ) 86
And I’ve come unstuck in Usenet.
Kibo, 15 August
Listen. Kibo Pilgrim has come unstuck
between useless and Uzbekistan ...
Lee Merkel, 15 August
I ONCE WAS FLOORING AN
ACCELERATOR WHILE A WOMAN
KICKED ME IN THE CROTCH
AND SIMELTANIOSLY HIT ME WITH A
WHIP CREME PIE !!!!!1
-- ACELERATOR BIFF !!!!111
KIBO, 18 August
[on writing a “Kibo” deity into
the White Wolf role-playing game system]
Let this be a lesson, folks. Never ever
write about something more
surreal than yourself.
Darren P. Mckeeman, 14 September
( CONTINUED ) 87
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: unedited Dave
alt.fan.dave_barry, alt.religion.kibology
Sun, 14 Aug 1994 07:34:39 GMT
<[email protected]>
In alt.fan.dave_barry, David Lesher <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> [email protected] (Eric A. Seiden) writes:
> >
> > I suggest you go stand outside his house. That's where I pick up my
> > articles. He throws them on the ground as a gesture of godwill towards his
> .........................................................^^^
> > fans. Sometimes he rips pages out of his books and throws them out. Once he
> > hit me broadside with a WHOLE book.
>
> Now, let us pray....
> Our Kibo, thouist in Miami......
Oh, come now...
...I can't be in Miami, I don't even OWN a
pair of dark green polyester slacks.
I do talk about golf games I played in the forties before those damn
beatniks took over the government and stopped issuing ration books which
were the only thing that kept this country whole lousy bastards someone
should smack them but nobody listens to me because of my surgery!
In MY day when someone had surgery everyone wanted to see but today they
just run away and won't even ask why the jar's so big. Bacon was ten
cents a ton and your teeth got pulled out every day! Eisenhower had a
dog, Alexander the great had a dog, but they won't let ME have a dog
because of the urine! I don't mind urine! And my sense of smell is
just as good as yours young man and my hearing may not be so good but at
least I listen instead of just droning on and on about things! The
whole world's going to hell and nobody cares but me! I'm not done,
don't wheel me back in yet! I can't zip this thing any more. No more bacon!
-- K.
I’ve always wondered, is it possible to
declare something null, but not void?
ANDREW JEANES, 11 August
( CONTINUED ) 88
BEWARE!
There is a
SCARY
MONSTER
on the next page!
SCARY
MONSTER AT
THE END OF
THIS BOOK!
Faye Dunaway is Joan Crawford
as William Shatner! But the
SCARIEST MONSTER
OF ALL is AT THE
END OF THIS BOOK!
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Message-ID:
Date:
Short shameful confession
<[email protected]>
Sun, 14 Aug 1994 11:26:06 GMT
A couple days ago I dreamed I was in school and Andre The Seal was there
and he stuck his tongue out at me and blew a raspberry. Fortunately a
call from one of my editors woke me up before he could do it another
fifty thousand times.
Let's see, he does it three times in a thirty-second commercial. That's
640 times in a ninety-minute movie. Gosh, movies just keep getting more
and more entertaining. I've seen that &$^*&%()#%^$%&* commercial so
often that it's invaded my nightmares! Not even the Zima guy is that evil.
Maybe I'll go see the stupid movie anyway, because it's allegedly ALL TRUE,
which means it better have the real ending--some guy clubs Andre and
rips a chunk of his fur off and sells it to HOWARD COSELL!!!!
-- K.
I dislike violence against animals,
unless they're in too many TV ads
for a movie I'd rather die than see,
or are a small fictional dog named Spot.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Ki->something or rather
alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics, alt.religion.kibology
Thu, 18 Aug 1994 06:56:40 GMT
<[email protected]>
In alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics, Jon Yankovich <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>
A while ago, someone (intelligent?) posted to ASB concerning the
> 'high' people get from BD/SM. He/she used terms concerning energy(?)
> equations involving symbols like 'Ki' and '->'. I'm curious about this
> equation-like explanation for the high of jogging and flogging.
Isn't the latter symbol, representing a bow, usually spelled 'Bo'?
-- K.
Excuse me, I’m having
a Montclair Millenium!
Kibo, 8 September
( CONTINUED ) 91
lmerkel on BIX <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> [email protected] (Matt McIrvin) writes:
> >
> > You'd be surprised how many people think that the science in ST:TNG is
> > well-researched and scrupulously accurate.
>
>
I know exactly what you mean.
>
I managed to get a =real= phaser and you know
> what? --- you =can't= set it on stun! All they do is
> burn holes through things and kill. They're not very
> good for pranks at all.
>
Transporters are a pain in the ass, too.
Hey, when I went through the Transporter at the travelling "Star Trek:
Federation Science" museum exhibit, it lost my legs! It beamed me into
this crappy "SIMULATED VIRTUAL REALITY" where I was surrounded by these
little crystals that jumped up and down rhythically and I was allowed to
interact with them, i.e. they didn't stop jumping up and down if I waved
my arms behind them.
I also learned that matter is green and antimatter is red, and Geordi
can't see anything through his visor, and antibodies go "BOINGGGG!!!"
when they pop out the the volcano at the center of your body, and that
the props and costumes from the show look REALLY fake seen up
close--the little push-buttons are just stickers applied crooked, etc.
Oh, yeah, the best part was that the exhibit on red antimatter had this
awesome simulated diorama of the warp engine's "intermix chamber"
holding it up, and attached to this was a little yellow and black
striped box labelled "DANGER! ANTIMATTER: DO NOT OPEN."
The matching "Star Trek: Orion Rendezvous" planetarium exhibit (which is
basically a slideshow projected straight up--whenever anything needs to
happen, like a star exploding, they put up this opaque "shield" to
change pictures) was funnier, as I got to go through several wormholes
(which looked uncannily like water swirling down a toilet) and we all
giggled when Geordi talked about "the Federation Newsnet".
Of course, both exhibits featured the recorded voice of William
Shatner's ex-wife, Majel Barrett Roddenberry.
-- K.
The volcano doesn’t actually grow out of your body; it grows out of the
examining table itself. Anti-bodies are shaped like Pac-Man and you have to put
six of them around the volcano, but it periodically spits them all out and goes
“boinggggg!” I don’t know what you could learn from this wretched exhibit.
Subject:
Re: The Science in Star Trek by Majel Barrett Roddenberry
Newsgroups:
sci.astro, alt.religion.kibology
Date: Tue, 16 Aug 1994 07:45:36 GMT
Message-ID:
<[email protected]>
( CONTINUED ) 92
1. Blather.
2. Rinse.
3. Repeat.
Captain Nitpick (Bill Evans), 8 August
(on Kibo’s .signature)
I’ve seen it. I was impressed. Kibo said,
“You’re not supposed to be impressed.”
SCOTT PALLACK, 13 August
Yeah, those pinheaded groupies adore
the living crap out of me. Bozos!
Kibo, 19 August
With a name like Geek-O,
it’s got to be Kibological!
Or vice versa.
KIBO, 19 August
( CONTINUED ) 93
6 December, 1994
Kibo meets Dr. Smith from “Lost
In Space” and the great man
indulges Kibo by saying:
“Room for one more... honey.”
94
[email protected]
Re: Important Announcement
alt.religion.kibology, alt.2600
America Off-Line, Inc.
Mon, 15 Aug 1994 04:38:59 GMT
<[email protected]>
[email protected] (Daniel P Tasman)
[email protected]
I’m not going to explain the joke
about “2600” magazine. Hertz, donut!
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Sender:
Reply-To:
[email protected] (Bruce Tomlin) writes:
>
> Daniel Gordon Frank ([email protected]) wrote:
> >
> > MAC 5UX!!!!!!!!!!!!11! GATES IS EV1LL!!!!!!1! VIC-20 IS TH3
> > K00L3ST!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!
>
> ATAR1 26OO R00LZ!!! 1T ST1LL HAZ A MAGAZEEN AB0WT 1T!!!
\ /
_
_ /\
[ ]
.
|_
! ()u | @|| $() KKK-| /--\d q[_]|_ cuz { ()N|_ee | |@\/e @
|.
_| *
_
|/
|_ R$-80 \/\/lf @ t@|]e |_|r!\/e. BT\/\/, d|_|z | |e1 |\ n()\/\/
|
_ | |
*
_
|
!
\/\/h@t @ | e(| |)()X IZ? U | @|_|_ KKK()()|__ !
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
alt.religion.kibology, alt.stupidity
Organization: Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts
Date:
16 Aug 1994 18:04:09 GMT
Message-ID:
<[email protected]>
In article <[email protected]>, <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> \ /
_
_ /\
[ ]
.
|_
> ! ()u | @|| $() KKK-| /--\d q[_]|_ cuz { ()N|_ee | |@\/e @
>
> |.
_| *
_
|/
> |_ R$-80 \/\/lf @ t@|]e |_|r!\/e. BT\/\/, d|_|z | |e1 |\ n()\/\/
>
|
>
_ | |
*
_
|
!
> \/\/h@t @ | e(| |)()X IZ? U | @|_|_ KKK()()|__ !
>
*
Holmes chewed contemplatively on his pipe and stared at the
cipher of the dancing ASCII.
( CONTINUED ) 95
"Hmm, yes, Watson," he said, "a most perplexing conundrum. I do
not believe I have been so at a loss for decipherment since we
chased the army of clones of Jack the Ripper onto the Titanic in
Hitler's time machine."
"I still do not understand," I said to him. "Since we are merely
characters in virtual reality, what does it matter whether you solve
the Mystery of the Dancing ASCII? Surely the player can merely
reboot the program and start us from square one."
"You neglect to consider," said Holmes, "that once the Loch Ness
Monster's head was cloned, it became possible to create duplicates
of living objects, perhaps even of ourselves. Have you not thought
it possible that we could be in the *real world*, or perhaps on a
fictional starship in the year 2369?" He took a deep draw from the
pipe, snorted three lines of cocaine he had bought from that crackpot
Freud (off on his way to shovel tons of it into the giant Adenoid on
the Strand, no doubt), smoked some crystal meth, dropped acid, and
injected himself intravenously with Black Flag insecticide.
"Why, no, Holmes, I hadn't... Why, indeed, we may be real!
then, what of Moriarty?"
But,
"I am amazed, my dear Watson, that you were unable to deduce the
elementary fact that Moriarty, Hitler, Jack the Ripper, Qurzak of
Atzor (who murdered eleven prostitutes on Albemuth Seven in 2268),
Gharlane of Eddore, Nero, Harlan Ellison, Cher, Manny, Moe, Jack,
and so-called 'Satan' are actually all cross-sections of the same
transdimensional entity. I have, you see, written a monograph on
transdimensional entities. They tend to rap on tables in a distinctive
manner. I discovered this while following a trail of cigar ashes
up the face of El Capitan. You see, by covering itself with vermiculite,
this being was able to partially negate the effects of gravitational
attraction and transcend all space and time. It is the most basic
principle of physics: A beam of energy can always be controlled."
"Incredible."
"It's insane... But I digress.
can you make anything of them?"
These ASCII characters... Watson,
"I can't say that I do, Holmes. Just looking at them makes my war
wounds ache: the one in my right knee, and the other one in my
left shoulder that came from the second gunman on the grassy knoll."
"Note the double-height vertical lines! I saw such lines on retail
products when we were making our last little jaunt through time and
space. They appear in the Universal Product Code, used in the late
twentieth century to genetically encode the true prices of products,
to be read with a concentrated proton beam without the knowledge of
( CONTINUED ) 96
the manufacturer. It was not discovered until
beams caused the human ear to become sensitive
thus making music from the tropics inaudible.
so-called message is no message at all: it in
someone wishing to drive us mad."
2110 that such proton
only to polarized light,
I believe that this
fact originates from
"And who could that be?"
"Why, the author!"
"Why, amazing, Holmes! Surely this instance of self-reference in a
Sherlock Holmes pastiche is the cleverest thing ever written!"
After ingesting his daily megadose of vitamin C, Holmes merely smiled
and said, "Not half so clever as I am, Watson. Not half."
-Stanley H. Milton,
"The Adventure of the Robot and the Aztec Mummy,"
_Appropriated Tales_, September 1987
-Matt
McIrvin
01234567
^
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: There are MANY Authors on AFU!
alt.folklore.urban, alt.religion.kibology
Sun, 14 Aug 1994 05:57:44 GMT
<[email protected]>
<--
Indent-o-Meter
In [alt.folklore.urban], <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> The Descenders
> by James W. Parry
>
> 7-7-7-7
(Amalgamated Typographers, Boston, 1989)
>
> The Descenders is a lusty, gutsy, brawling novel of striking
> power and amazing scope -- an epic sojourn surely the equal of
> Gone With the Boldface, The Dingbat Portfolio, and Presstype!
> As do few other authors who deal with the newly-popular topic of
> sex, love and death among letters of the alphabet, Mr. Parry
> has the skill to give just the right note of realism to
> his characters. Few readers of this book will ever forget
> the evil machinations of Dark Italic Upper Case I, or the
> tragic ending of Drop Shadow K. Put this book next to your dic.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
You FILTHY PREVERT! Just for that I won't let you blurb my newest book,
"Spot And The Incredible Shrinking Pants"!
-- K.
( CONTINUED )
97
I don’t have any special power to
“summon” someone.
Last time I tried, all I got was a roll
of grape-flavored Pez
soaked in pickle juice!
Kibo, 19 August
Sorry I am not a BBS accesser or a aoler
which you all hate I actually do have an
internet account but I still have no Idea
what the heck KIBO/KIBOLOGY is
someone please clue me in, thanks.
[email protected], mid-August
It’s short, it’s cool, and it’s a signed
original by me. You could hang
it in the Louvre! The Prado! The MoMA!
The Kremlin!
It’s Keane, it’s better than Keane – it’s Kibo!
Kibo, 19 August
( CONTINUED ) 98
Thu, 18 Aug 1994 05:03:15 GMT
<[email protected]>
Matt McIrvin <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> I would just like to note that I am here following the Guelph Protocol
> of 1975, under which all references to Thomas Pynchon's _Gravity's
> Rainbow_ must be from very near the beginning of the book, so as
> to lose a minimal fraction of the readership.
I got part way through it, but I had to stop between the "n" and "b" in
the second word of the title.
However, I read *all* the pages of Focault's Pendulum, but then again, I
like reading about Aldus Manutius and Pietro Bembo and those guys. It
was sort of like a classy version of Illuminatus with Italian printers
from the days of incunabula substituting for various conspiracies.
If Bembo hadn't given Aldus that damn coin, (a) all the publishers in
the world would have *different* trademarks instead of all having a
dolphin and/or anchor, (b) Adobe would have merged with a software
company named Jenson instead of Aldus, and (c) one of Monotype's best
book typefaces would have been called "New Poliphilus" instead of "Bembo".
Also, Ben Franklin tried to make everyone in America go blind by fooling
them into reading mislabeled type specimens.
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Rudrik Greyshadow <[email protected]>
KIBOLOGY
alt.flame, alt.discordia, alt.slack, alt.angst,
alt.religion.kibology, alt.folklore.urban
Sword Dale, Lord Mayor
Fri, 12 Aug 1994 00:03:07 GMT
<[email protected]>
Bulldog ([email protected]) wrote:
>
> : > + Who is Kibo ??
Ben Franklin invented the art of trolling for bozos approximately 200 years before the
Internet popularized it! He was helping Baskerville perfect his typeface, but all the printers
of the day used Caslon, and refused to consider Baskerville. Some claimed Baskerville would
make you go blind! So Franklin printed a sheet of Caslon, labelled it “Baskerville”, and asked
printers what was wrong with it – and they pointed out many hideous deformities.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Ah, KIBO! Sit back my children and I will tell you a story. This is an
old story, predating the mysteries of the threads, the story of nn, and
even the wondrous glamour of RN. It was a time before the great Readnews
stretched its arms across the world. The story of KIBO, it is believed,
even predates the great Flame wars. When KIBO entered the world it was a
( CONTINUED ) 99
time of peace and sharing; a time of tranquillity; a time when the world
consisted of less than 100 different groups.
The land of Anews, was a rich land of rolling hills and minor bugs.
Anews was a small and manageable land, and its meager resources were more
than ample to support it's growing population. And Anews prospered. The
land was green and outsiders came to the wondrous Anews. And these
settlers demanded new things. They wanted Anews to expand to become
better. They wanted the council to provide them, the outsiders, with more
services and more groups. Alas the council could not keep up with the
new demands and the dwindling resources and the expansion.
So it came to pass that the time came when Anews could no longer contain
itself within its boundaries and the Council of Elders gathered. For
many nights the council debated. Many toes were stepped on and there was
much wailing and gnashing of teeth. And finally, when they emerged, the
council decided that they should war on their neighbors. The outsiders
came from their neighbors and so Anews would expand into the outsiders
lands. Ah the Anews wars were a glorious time... with many heroes....
but we are here to hear the story of KIBO.... perhaps I shall tell you of
the wars later.
As Anews grew the council became divided. The high elders wished to
maintain the old systems, while the youngers on the council wanted
change. And thus the Great and glorious BNews fraction sprang to life.
Anews was limiting themselves, trying to manage the large populous with
their old small populous ideas. Bnews knew that the new order required
rethinking and a series of Justices to over see some of the more prolific
groups. Once in place these Moderators freed the council to look further
toward expansion.... and expand they did.
But all was not happy in the land of Bnews... for the new council thought
that they were being slighted in the new order. And Chief of these
Renegade Nobles was KIBO. It was KIBO, who crawled through the mire to
discover the younger councils plot to sabotage his divine right. It was
KIBO who spurred the R Ns to overthrow the younger council. It was KIBO
who insisted on keeping KILL files for those he thought were out to
challenge HIS supremacy. And all RN cowered under the rule of the great
KIBO.
And the People of readnews, as KIBO called his lands, made mistakes, and
sent errant missives. And they would cry KIBO help me; and KIBO would
dispatch his glorious assassins to Cancel the missive. The receivers
cried: "what have you done?", "Why have you done this?" To which the
assassins would darkly reply: "Killed Intentionally By Owner" as they
faded back into the inky black darkness from which they emerged.
and that my children is the story of KIBO for now.....
Next week:
The Great Flame Wars. (or Welcome to Hell; please put on your asbestos suit)
-- Rudrik 'if you don't know make it up' Greyshadow
( CONTINUED ) 100
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Weasel Boy)
Re: KIBOLOGY
alt.flame, alt.discordia, alt.slack, alt.angst,
Fri, 12 Aug 1994 13:22:05 GMT
<[email protected]>
Rudrik Greyshadow ([email protected]) wrote:
:
: > : > + Bulldog wrote:
: > : > + Who is Kibo ??
:
: <Kibo fairytale snipped>
To quote Beavis and Butthead....
"What the hell is this CRAP?"
Kibo grew out of a bizarre attempt to edit Phillip K. Dick books in a new
and exciting way. Wired Magazine took the experiment a little further. If
you REALLY want to know, find out which Chinese restaurant Phillip K.
Dick, Ayn Rand, L. Ron Hubbard, and Gene Roddenberry (husband of the girl
who played Yeoman Rand on Star Trek) ate at in the mid-eighties. There's
a picture on the wall of them all making a bet worth $75 as to whom could
throw the Internet into the most confusion.
: Next week:
The Great Flame Wars. (or Welcome to Hell; please put on your asbestos suit)
OK.
: -- Rudrik 'if you don't know make it up' Greyshadow
"You're allowed"
-====================================================================
Darren P. Mckeeman
| 'The eagle may soar, but a weasel never gets
Freelance Writer
| sucked into a jet engine' - Simon & Simon
IT'S TIME! Ask me for details! Don't get caught short on 09/17!
====================================================================
Capable of having reams of information written about him, most of it
dealing with the puzzling fact that people are writing reams of information
about him, despite the fact that he’s just this bozo on Usenet.
KIBO on Kibo, 7 September
( CONTINUED ) 101
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Date:
Message-ID:
Our plan to SAVE THE WORLD!
Sat, 18 Jun 1994 10:37:38 GMT
<[email protected]>
From now on, while you read alt.religion.kibology, our little
semi-transparent logo--only about three inches across--will be
constantly hovering in the lower-right corner of your screen.
This is so that you don't forget which channel you're watching.
After all, you *must* be a moron, because you're *watching TV*!
Beginning next week, all broadcast stations, cable channels, and Usenet
groups will adhere to this rule, and in two weeks these extensions to
the basic concept will be added:
1.) Below the logo it will say "YOU'RE WATCHING TV." in case you forget
what you're doing;
2.) A large digital clock will be superimposed in the center of the
screen in the middle of an analog dial (so as not to discriminate
against people who dislike the digital clock);
3.) All laugh tracks will be accompanied by a woman's voice saying
emotionlessly, "YES, THAT WAS FUNNY, SOMEONE JUST TOLD A VERY FUNNY
JOKE, NOW WE'RE ALL LAUGHING HERE IN TEE-VEE LAND." and
4.) All programs made before 1953 will be Moronized(TM). For instance,
when "Casablanca" is shown on television, the ending will now feature a
cream pie fight accompanied by wacky clown music. Rebroadcasts of
Edward R. Murrow's classic "See It Now" will show him picking his nose.
The famous Nixon/Kennedy debate will be a burping contest. "Married
With Children", "Beavis and Butthead", and Mentos ads will be unaltered.
Currently in the draft stage is a plan to make all printed matter as
easy to understand as TV. For instance, Dostoyevsy's "The Idiot" will
be rewritten by Bob Saget and retitled "DUH, LOOK AT ME, I'M STUUUPID!".
Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night" will be called "12TH NITE", and even the
Bible will be rewritten:
1 In the beginning the Universe sucked.
Everything was cool, and that was nice.
Then God did cool stuff to it.
In the future, all literature will be Moronized(TM) to make it more
easily accessible to people who aren't rocket scientists like Albert Einstein.
Even this very post will be retroactively rewritten by BIFF.
Also, it will be officially declared that it is always midnight, so that
bozos won't have to suffer the slings and arrows of admitting that they
can't set the clock in their VCR. (How can people be capable of setting
the clock in their watch, but not the clock in their VCR?)
And also, other ways we will make the world more convenient for complete
idiots include:
A.R.K
1.) Free lobotomies for anyone who has trouble understanding the new,
more easily understandable television programming;
( CONTINUED )
2.) Free cars with computerized steering controllers programmed with
the location of every McDonalds in the world to automate 90% of all driving;
3.) TV sets will have simplified controls, eliminating many of the
buttons, such as the one that turns the set off;
4.) Restaurants will be required to circle one item on the menu and
label it "THIS IS REALLY GOOD AND EVERYTHING ELSE HERE TASTES LIKE DIRT"
to save you the trouble of deciding;
5.) Your computer will be replaced with a Lite Brite(R). Lite Brite,
makin' spreadsheets with li-i-ight!
and
6.) We'll see simplified telephones.
HAVE YOU EVER MADE A PHONE CALL WITHOUT NEEDING A BRAIN?
Y O U
W I L L !
Phase One will be to introduce a phone where any phone call can be made
by pressing a single button, and no numbers will be needed: the phone
will have six billion little buttons, one for everyone in the world,
arranged geographically with little pictures of the people right on the
buttons! Nothing could be simpler--except Phase Two! Phase Two will
see a phone with only *one* button. To call 555-1212, you would simply
push the button 5551212 times in rapid succession! But wait, we can
simplify further! In Phase Three, phones would have no buttons at all!
You'd simply pick up the handset, and all the phones in the world would
ring, and then you'd just shout "EVERYONE EXCEPT MYRON BEABLE, PLEASE
HANG UP NOW!" and they all would because if they didn't they'd go to jail.
Of course, in this society for the stupid, even jail would be simplified.
Convicts would simply be placed in a room that has a five-dollar bill on
the floor. We'd simply wait for them to not take the money, and this
would prove that they've been rehabilitated, and we could let them go!
Currency would also be simplified. If you needed to give someone $67.98
for a tank of gas, you'd just pull a generic bill out of your wallet and
fill in the blank that says, "THIS PIECE OF LEGAL TENDER IS WORTH $_____"!
One bill, no fuss, no muss! Fuss would be frowned upon, and muss would
be punishable by a fine. The fine would be a million billion trillion
zillion dollars. Everyone would be able to afford it, it'd just take a
long time to write out the number. It's just another example of how in
this utopian world everything will be made illegal so that there will be
no crimes!
And all this improvement, this perfect society, will be brought about
by the superimposition of tiny little transparent logos on the
corner of your screen!
THE WORLD IS YOUR FRIEND AND WE WANT TO MAKE IT EASIER TO HUG.
IT'S OKAY TO BE STUPID--WE'LL LOVE YOU EVEN *MORE*!
A.R.K
-- K.
(transparently)
103
Spot’s designed to look like a crude PostScript
illustration with lots of pastel halftones, to make him
look like a Scientific American illustration. Poor Spot!
He looks molecular, and almost two-dimensional!
Kibo, 5 September
The Xtended Architecture is an officially
deconsecrated church that makes a
buzzing noise.
KIBO, a statement that deserves explanation, 13 September
KIBO: THE NAME-DROPPING,
an experimental film by LEN CELLA in
the format of a
NEW YORK POST HEADLINE:
TWELVE DIE AS
KIBO DROPS NAME
Kibo, 15 September
( CONTINUED ) 104
But I’ll be damned if I’ll have 100’s
of crazed Kibologists at my place.
The mere thought of KIBO hanging
from the chandeliers sends chills
down my spine.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Dealing efficiently with LOTS of newsgroups
Sun, 21 Aug 1994 05:42:07 GMT
<[email protected]>
>
>
Acting on a hunch, we would
>
into a special "quasi" mode so they could cast the
>
lead out over the parapet onto the sidewalk hordes
>
break into the newspaper business by cracking open
>
machines to save a quarter.
set the linotypes
molten
trying to
the vending
Actually, "quasi" mode was different. You mean the special unnamed
secret mode you got whenever you typed "etaoinshrdlu".
Did you ever have problems with type lice?
Lino Fluid every hour or two.
I used to have to change the
Also, ever look really closely at a spaceband?
little "Fruit of the Loom" sticker.
They usually have a
That reminds me, I need to get back to ghostwriting Piers Anthony's
crappy new book, "Loot of the Froom".
-- K.
Old books often have “etaoinshrdlu” in them; there was
no backspace on a Linotype, so if you made a mistake,
you filled up the line as fast as possible (“etaoinshrdlu”
were the letters at the left, which came out the fastest)
and then you’d forget to take out the “eatoinshrdlu” line.
RUDRIK GREYSHADOW, 20 September
( CONTINUED ) 105
ACHTUNG!
There is a
SCARY
MONSTER
on the next page!
SCARY
MONSTER AT
THE END OF
THIS BOOK!
Scary toilet paper commercials
with clowns sitting on the toilet
are nothing compared to the
hideously terrifying
MONSTER AT THE
END OF THIS BOOK!
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Dealing efficiently with LOTS of newsgroups
Mon, 22 Aug 1994 05:22:55 GMT
<[email protected]>
>
> James "Kibo" Parry writes:
> |
> | Actually, "quasi" mode was different. You mean the special unnamed
> | secret mode you got whenever you typed "etaoinshrdlu".
>
> Which is not the same as the self-destruct sequence that is initiated
> by typing in the heretical frequency-distribution string "eatonrishdlf".
You know WHY the letter frequencies in English are "etaoinshrdlu"?
Because they were randomly assigned to the keyboard of the Linotype in
that order, which made it easier for people to type e's and t's, so
people started using them as often as possible because all typesetters
are lazy.
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Lava Lamps: What's in them
misc.misc, alt.religion.kibology
Sun, 21 Aug 1994 05:57:30 GMT
<[email protected]>
Bruce Ediger <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> [email protected] (DResearch) wrote:
> >
> > [email protected] (Paul Blackman) writes:
> > >
> > > Does anybody know what's in a lava lamp?
> >
> >Spam.
>
> Oh, come on! It's well known that the clearer of the two substances is
> pickle juice.
It should be noted that my favorite college professor, Mike Bent (Boy
Scientist) once made his fiancee barf when he changed the two-week-old
meat in his Liver Lamp, which he tours the country with.
( CONTINUED ) 108
You'll have seen him if you remember a guy with reddish blond hair with
various substances spewing from various orifices of his body, or if you
remember him because he opens the act by bending the microphone and
saying "See that? Mike Bent."
>
>
>
>
The "lava" is actually a secret blend of biochemicals that insiders
call "K1B0". William Poundstone ("The Big Secret") tried to analyze
it, but it kept exploding, because it's a paranoid and unstable substance.
The PEZ people developed it in 1939.
Mike has these nice business cards with a little picture of a chimp
captioned "MIKE BENT - BOY SCIENTIST - CREEP".
What should I put on *my* new business cards, which'll be printed up
since I'm moving soon? (There will be this lovel red and black duotone,
a tiny detail of which became kibo_eye.gif.)
I'm thinking of something like:
“Performance artist, cybersurfer, and bozo –
the Charles Nelson Reilly of the Internet”
...but that's much too pompous, because I could *never* be as great as
Charles Nelson Reilly, who's made a career of making cameos on really
bad sitcoms playing "huge TV star, Charles Nelson Reilly."
He also used to hold up a little blue card on _Match Game 77_ which said
"WEE WEE", and then he'd say "WEE WEE", and then they'd do it again.
How about
"A unique enigma to the uninitiated, a ique igma to the initiated"?
Geez, both of those SUCK.
How about
"Use real sugar--IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU"?
Sucks.
Suckssuckssuckssuckssucks.
Ack!
Where'd that damn cat come from?
Think of a better line and you may see it in print. No, I won't pay.
If you want money, sell your talents to HUGE TV STAR CHARLES NELSON REILLY!
-- K.
What’s worse is I’m in the middle of
Silicon Heaven and all I do is juggle,
listen to music, and geek.
LUPUS YONDERBOY (ALEX SUTER), 14( CONTINUED
September ) 109
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Lava Lamps: What's in them
Mon, 22 Aug 1994 05:21:16 GMT
<[email protected]>
Andrew Bulhak <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry ([email protected]) wrote:
> :
> : I'm thinking of something like:
> : "Performance artist, cybersurfer, and bozo--the Charles Nelson Reilly of
> : the Internet"
>
> I'd steer clear of "cyber*". Especially "cybersurfer". Sounds too
> weenieish.
What, and the rest doesn't?
Hey, that's it!
Don't try to troll me, Andrew--I cannot be trolled!
"I CANNOT BE TROLLED"!
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: .Sig kookiness (Was Re: Master of Triplicate Forms to the FBI!)
alt.usenet.kooks,alt.religion.kibology
Wed, 14 Sep 1994 07:11:23 GMT
<[email protected]>
Andrew Wing <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry ([email protected]) wrote:
> :
> : Tom the Folder, Spindler, and Mutilator said:
> : >
> : > Kibo is the Zsa Zsa Gabor of Usenet, even though he doesn't have sisters
> : > that talk to pigs or win beauty pagents.
> :
> : I'm more of a Charles Nelson Reilly--you know, the guy who does nothing
> : but drop in on really pathetic sitcoms on that day when "BIG TV STAR
> : Charles Nelson Reilly" comes to their town! Also, he was on Match Game '77
> : where he'd repeatedly say "WEE-WEE!!!"
>
>
...and let us not forget the Hoodoo Guru from LIDsville (c 1972?)
Hoodoo was perhaps the first Sid & Marty Krofft character to be
performed entirely by a guy in a rubber bondage hood. With his head
being constantly squeezed by that undersized bubble of green latex, and
( CONTINUED ) 110
having to do stunts such as falling into the River of Shampoo, Charles
Nelson Reilly once whined to a reporter, "I'm trapped in Sid & Marty's
Polish Prison!" Mr. Reilly: comedy genius or asshole?
-- K.
comedy genius AND asshole.
Circles on the Internet are caused by
Janet Reno? Blasphemy!
Kibo, 13 September
Please ex-communicate yourself out the door.
KIBO, 13 September
.net: People whose addresses end
with this domain name are, in short,
Internet gods.
Newsweek, very confused, 9 September
I’d like to see if I can make Andy
cry without touching him.
KIBO, wanting to be on Conan O’Brien’s show, 5 October
( CONTINUED ) 111
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Message-ID:
Date:
Organization:
Re: Kibo is God (Fiction?)
alt.fan.hofstadter, alt.religion.kibology, sci.philosophy.meta
<[email protected]>
Fri, 19 Aug 1994 07:27:26 GMT
In [alt.fan.hofstadter] The insertion point of creation writes:
>
> Seed: Kibo is God
SEED: Kibo is God.
LINT: Why do you say that, Mr. Seed?
SEED: I don't know, Mr. Lint, but there's something mighty peculiar
about him. See how there's that hole through his head, with his brain
floating in the middle?
LINT: Wowsers, it's enormous!
(Just then, Achilles and Spot drop by.)
ACHILLES: Hullo!
My dog Spot and I just bought a new volvox.
SEED: What was wrong with the old volvox?
ACHILLES: Spot ate it...
SPOT: ...but only because I thought it was a Volvo!
LINT: Wait, this doesn't have anything to do with the ETERNAL
PLUTONIAM ATOM TOTAL BRAID, the unification of math, science, art,
logic, game shows, and Pez dispensers, does it?
ACHILLES: I'm afraid not. You see, the author was going to paste in
his "Three-Way Argument" trilog here, but he can't find the file on his disk.
SPOT: I didn't eat it!
LINT: Can't he just find it in his archives?
ACHILLES: I suppose so... but you know him.
about it in some oblique way.
He'd probably whine
LINT: Would he say it's all the previous poster's fault that he had
to go look for his crappy old story just to make this post relevant to
alt.fan.hofstadter?
( CONTINUED ) 112
ACHILLES: I suspect he'll just have one of his characters say it.
SPOT: May I?
SEED, LINT, and ACHILLES (together): No!!!
(Spot cries.)
AUTHOR: Ah, I found it. It's from April 1992, and the usual copyright notices
apply. And the previous poster is a weenie and it's all their fault I had to spend
WEEKS looking for this, and you were wrong about me letting you say it, Achilles.
ACHILLES: Darn it all to heck!
SPOT: Ha ha!
(Spot suddenly develops horrible stomach cramps and explodes from pain.)
>
>
>
>
>
From: [email protected] (James 'Kibo' Parry)
Subject: Paradoxes: THREE-WAY ARGUMENT
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, sci.philosophy.meta
Date: Sun, 12 Apr 1992 02:10:34 GMT
Remember, every one of my "Spot & Einstein" stories is modelled on a
Bach fugue for unaccompanied no-hole nose-flute.
-- Douglas "Kibo" Hofstadter
THREE-WAY ARGUMENT
==================
(Achilles, Einstein, and Spot are in discussing meta-logic.)
ACHILLES: So, Herr Professor Einstein, I do believe you were about to
tell us about some rib-tickling PARADOXES.
SPOT:
What's a paradox?
EINSTEIN: Vell, Spot, a good example is the EPIMENEDES PARADOX,
forumlated by Epimenedes, a philosopher from Crete. He said "All
Cretans are liars."
SPOT:
So he was a liar, then?
ACHILLES: Oh, I get it... if he were lying, then the statement would
be false, and thus he would NOT be a liar... I say, this is a real
knee-slapper!
SPOT:
Whine!
I don't get it.
( CONTINUED ) 113
EINSTEIN: It's equivalent to saying "I AM LYING," which is what
Captain Kirk said to make that android's head explode. Zee, if Kirk is
telling the truth, he is lying. If he is lying, he is telling the
truth. Thus, Kirk cannot be either lying or telling the truth.
(Smoke comes out of Spot's ears as the Professor continues.)
EINSTEIN:
Then there is the RUSSELL PARADOX, named for you-know-who.
ACHILLES:
Dear old Bertrand R., co-author of the PRINCIPIA MATHEMATICA!
EINSTEIN: The one and the same.
sets, sets of anything.
ACHILLES:
SPOT:
Envision, if you will, all possible
Okay.
Huh?
EINSTEIN:
Now imagine the SET OF ALL SETS.
ACHILLES:
Okay.
SPOT:
What?
ACHILLES:
It is a member of itself, right?
It can't be...
Trust us, it is.
What next, Herr Professor?
EINSTEIN: Since some sets contain themselves, but most do not, think
of the SET OF ALL SETS WHICH CONTAIN THEMSELVES. Logically, there must
be a set of all the other sets, THE SET OF ALL SETS WHICH DO NOT CONTAIN
THEMSELVES. Now, which of those two sets does the latter set belong IN?
ACHILLES:
Oh!
Gosh!
That's simply stunning!
SPOT: Waaaaah! I don't get it!
stupid little puppy.
I guess it's because I'm just a
EINSTEIN: Okay, Spot, I vill try to give you a simpler example, one
even a stupid little puppy like you may understand. It is THE SPOT
PARADOX!
SPOT:
Wow, my own paradox?
ACHILLES:
Lucky you!
EINSTEIN:
THE SPOT PARADOX says "Spot is a stupid little puppy."
ACHILLES: Hmm... oh yeah... I like that!
You have a true gift, Herr Professor.
Very sutble, yet mordant.
( CONTINUED ) 114
SPOT: Wait... how can that be a paradox? It's TRUE! There's nothing
inherently contradictory about it! THE SPOT PARADOX isn't a paradox at
all! I don't understand any of this!
EINSTEIN:
Shall I draw you a diagram, stupid little puppy?
(Just then, Achilles stubs his heel on a discarded syringe which is
contaminated with rabies, because they are sitting in Spot's back yard.)
ACHILLES:
Arrr!
Arrrrr!
Grrrrr.
(He kills Einstein and Spot.)
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Elements in my Grand Unified Theory Of Everything.
alt.religion.kibology, alt.sci.physics.new-theories
Thu, 25 Aug 1994 06:27:23 GMT
<[email protected]>
1.)
Gravity does not move in straight lines. It only appears
so to an untrained eye. Gravity actually moves in cursive handwriting.
2.)
The Earth has a second moon, The Noom, which is never visible
because it is always rotating faster than the Earth so that we
never see it because it's always beyond the horizon.
3.)
Cats and dogs are single atoms. Cats are positive, dogs are negative,
and fleas are the binding force.
4.)
If you go several hours without blinking you'll die when your brain
dries up and at the autopsy it'll look like a little raisin unless
they put it in water immediately. (Matt McIrvin helped with this one.)
5.)
The heaviest known substance is soap suds, because enough of
that foam could crush anything!
6.)
It's only possible to eat four Morton pot pies in one lifetime.
(Tom Dignan proved this experimentally. I wish him a speedy recovery.)
7.)
JFK was killed the hide the conspiracy to change the musical "A"
to 448 cycles per second, a move designed to fool people into thinking
that "different" notes sound different. Get real! They all sound
the same to me, and someday you too will realize the truth.
8.)
The galaxy was formed by a very slow process akin to claymation.
9.)
On any multiple-choice test, more answers will be "C" than "A" because
of the Coriolis Force, except in the Eastern Hemisphere.
10.) "SeaQuest DSV" will be cancelled after its second season.
11.) Anyone who disagrees with my theory is a crackpot!
-- K.
Barry Morse on
“Space: 1999”.
We were all amazed
when it lasted through
almost three seasons.
( CONTINUED ) 115
Are you in mortal danger from grunge rockers?
Ten heart-healthy ways to avoid term-insurance scams
Will you vote Republican in the afterlife?
Are values illegal in Massachusetts?
Norman Rockwell: bulwark against Communism
Drama in real life: “My Lincoln is hydroplaning!”
God puts zing! back into seniors’ sex lives
Reader’s Digest headlines by Matt McIrvin, 16 September
Are your kids getting enough megadoses of Geritol?
Kibo’s suggestion, 16 September
Drawn by Kibo; see the
1996 book for more.
How about a Kibo Inside™ graphic?
I don’t know where to put it, but I’ll
voluteer to run you through a
300dpi dot matrix printer that I’ve refit
with needles.
BRETT, helping someone pick out a tattoo, 20 September
( CONTINUED ) 116
Re: I grovel in my ignorance
alt.fan.mary-chungs, alt.religion.kibology
Fri, 26 Aug 1994 08:04:10 GMT
<[email protected]>
In [alt.fan.mary-chungs] Ken Raeburn <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> [email protected] (SJF 34) writes:
> >
> > I gather that Mary Chung's is going re-open, but WHERE is the (proposed)
> > new site? Can someone give me a street address? I can't visualize the
> > now-defunct Crystals.
>
> It's something like 460 Mass Ave. Crystal is roughly across from the
> McDonalds next to the old site. (There used to be an apartment
> building and furniture shop in between, but it burned down...)
What I like best about the site is that it's within the aroma zone of
the Necco factory (mmm! I think today's the day they make all the
rancid peanut butter for all the Sky Bars for the next two years!) and
also within the Radius Of Total Destruction pointing out from MIT's
nuclear reactor (the big M&M-like oblate sphere behind the Necco building.)
Good restaurants always have interesting surroundings like that.
Mary's better be as good as its reputation claims, though; I miss
Crystal, and it it's superseded by something less than incredible, I'll
be mad. (Yes, I know Mary's didn't cause Crystal to close.)
While visiting the site, be sure to drop in at the MIT Museum
(admission's really cheap 'cause they don't have much to look at) and
see if they still have that plasma globe with the poorly-grounded base
that gives you line-voltage shocks. I anyways enjoy surprises.
-- K.
Necco’s SkyBar has four fillings, and you can tell how many miles from the
factory you are by how many of the four taste rancid. Usually tthree to five are.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
I am interested in joining a specific medical field
but I don’t have the education necessary to get a
doctor’s license. Therefore, does anyone know if
there is such a thing as a “para-urologist”?
Kibo, 5 October
( CONTINUED ) 117
Subject: Ah!
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Date: Fri, 26 Aug 1994 08:59:55 GMT
Ah!
Burlap doors!
Assume for a moment that you are twirling around slowly with your face
rubbing against a hanging burlap curtain, and you are gasping "Ah!
burlap doors!" with delight, in a very slow, high-pitched voice.
Also assume that your brain was dropped on the floor before you were
assembled, which is why you are doing this.
Now, if the sensation of twirling burlap against your face is the most
wonderful thing there is, what's the worst? Also, what should the next
marshmallow added to Lucky Charms be? Beige widgets? Black balls?
Clear sea anemones? Brown choo-choo trains? Red atomic wedgies?
-- K.
From: [email protected] (Matt McIrvin)
Subject: BOBLIMINAL KIBUCTION
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Organization: Harvard University, Cambridge, MA
Summary: Was W. B. Key DUPED by KiBoB?!!
Date: 5 Sep 1994 22:18:45 GMT
I was recently fortunate enough to come upon a paperback edition of
Wilson Bryan Key's seminal work _Subliminal Seduction_. This book did
a lot to expose the shameless manipulation of our minds being perpetrated
by those in power, particularly by embedding thousands of copies of the
word SEX into seemingly innocuous advertisements, TV shows, movies,
comic strips, public artworks, starchy tubers, and rock formations. After
reading it I became capable of detecting these subliminal inclusions in
places where I never suspected they existed. The most shocking discovery
I made was that ordinary TV snow contains scads of copies of the word
SEX; in fact, statistical analysis reveals that the bits of snow due to
the cosmic background radiation contribute significantly to these
hidden messages, suggesting that the conspiracy is working on a much
higher and deeper level than even Key thought possible.
However, I am beginning to suggest that Key had no
*nature* of the "seduction" described. He limited
imagery and the odd totemic animal, skull, or pair
he should have been looking for something far more
inkling of the true
himself to sexual
of scissors, when
insidious.
( CONTINUED ) 118
I got my first clue from the cover of the paperback edition. It
displays a glass of some alcoholic beverage with a few ice cubes, below
the caption "Are you being sexually aroused by this picture?" A
cursory inspection reveals several copies of the word SEX apparently
airbrushed into the cubes, illustrating Key's thesis. However, that is
far from the only thing hidden in the picture. If you examine the lower
part of the glass, you will find a sort of square made of four dark,
roundish spots, with a lighter region in the middle. Look closely at
this part of the image, and relax your mind, thereby removing the natural
blocks that the brain's societal conditioning places in the way of such
things: you will find that it does not take much imagination to make
out the word BOB.
Could it be merely this photographer/artist, or Key's publisher, who
labors in the thrall of Bob? Not likely. Consider the rum advertisement
that Key uses as his first example. Once again, the message is hidden
in a series of ice cubes, running down the right-hand side of the photo
(Key's figure 1). Key points out that with sufficient attention, the
word SEX can be made out, in huge letters, plain as day, in the white
regions in each ice cube, reading vertically from the second ice cube
from the top.
However, I suspect that Key is missing the forest for the trees. In
pinpointing the white regions as the source of the message, Key ignores
the *shapes* of the ice cubes. Consider that second cube from the top.
It is partially occluded by a slice of lime, giving it an apparent shape
resembling a lower-case b. Below that is a square cube, like a squarish
capital O; and the cube below that is dented in such a way that it
resembles a capital B, thus: bOB. Once again, the name of Bob has
shown itself, in exactly the same region where Key saw SEX. Doubtless
agents of Bob spent thousands of dollars embedding this message from the
Xists, through careful photography and hours of retouching.
In other places the word BOB is far easier to recognize. Consider the
Playboy cover that Key reprints, showing a stylized cartoon of the famous
bunny wearing sunglasses in which a nude woman is reflected. Looking
at the picture sideways reveals that the bunny's glasses and mouth suggest
the shapes of capital B's, with the O provided by the oval nose in between.
Having seen these examples of Bobliminal seduction in advertising and
magazine publishing, I thought that I had uncovered the root of the
trouble. This was nothing less than a ploy on the part of J. R. "Bob"
Dobbs to prepare us for X-Day, when who knows what horrors will ensue.
However, this wasn't the half of it. A far subtler, more ruthless force
than Bob was at work.
Key reprints an ad in his book which contains a brandy glass, in which
are visible a number of curious shadows. He claims that, if one views
this picture upside-down in a mirror, the letters U BUY appear in the
brandy; and an enlarged, inverted detail seems to demonstrate this.
( CONTINUED ) 119
This is not the only appearance of Kibo in the book's figures. Key
describes, in one chapter, the disturbing apparition of a sexual
expletive on the sleeve of a baby doll in a magazine advertisement.
The enlarged detail pictured clearly reveals the final K. However, the
other letters, if they can be made out at all, are extremely faint, and
only the top bar of the C and the central bar of the F are clearly
visible. I suspect that these are not in fact horizontal bars of
capital letters, but *hyphens* -- and that the dark smudge below and
to the right of the K is a period. The baby doll's arm in fact reads
"-- K.", Kibo's customary signoff.
Last, but not least, I give the example of a pool ball appearing in a
cigarette ad reprinted in _Subliminal Seduction_. Key interprets the
"10" in a circle on this ball as representing the union of male and
female in the bond of marriage. However, I propose that the meaning
appears quite different if the ball is looked at sideways: the 1
becomes a highly schematized pair of glasses, the 0 an open mouth, and
the dark circle an encircling band of hair, like a dark buzz cut and
Abraham Lincoln-like whiskers. This seemingly innocuous circled
numeral is, in fact, a cartoon-like representation of the *face* of
James "Kibo" Parry.
Could Kibo actually be the force behind "Bob"? I suggest that this
may be the case, and that rumors of Kibo's temporal existence as a
27-year-old human are at best understated, since at the time of
Key's writing he would have been a mere toddler. Kibo has likely
been around for a long, long time, implanting suggestions of his
existence into pop-cultural clutter. Could these in fact be outward
projections of a basic human Kibarchetype, implanted in the structure
of human DNA by engineered viruses in the remote, shadowy past? Could
whiskey and cigarette ads be showing us something we have in fact known
for a long, long time? Could the brain-raping admen of the 20th
century *themselves* be unwitting servants of a much deeper, almost
undetectable cause? And what can we do about it? I suggest that we
start by promoting illiteracy, and, if necessary, visual agnosia.
Halfway measures will not do.
-Matt
01234567
<-- Indent-o-Meter
McIrvin
^
Here Matt is attempting to link the “Church of the Subgenius”
(a “silly” organization) with Kibology, which is Deadly Serious.
However, this is not the only way to read the letters. The right
side of the second U is quite thin, and the Y's stem is rather fat; in
fact, the letters look quite a bit more like UBIK. Ubik is, of course,
the cosmic creative/salvific force in spraycan form described by
Philip K. Dick in the novel of the same name. This would seem to be
encouraging, since we know from Dick that Ubik is essentially benign
in nature. However, close inspection reveals that either the photo or
Key's description is erroneous, since the enlarged detail is *not* a
mirror image of the corresponding part of the ad; it's merely a
magnified inversion. Holding the enlarged picture up to a mirror reveals
the horrifying truth: the shadows in the brandy glass in fact read,
quite clearly, KIBO.
120
OH NO!
There is a
SCARY
MONSTER
on the next page!
SCARY
MONSTER AT
THE END OF
THIS BOOK!
Not scary enough? The
SCARIEST MONSTER
OF ALL is AT THE
END OF THIS BOOK!
Kibo could have a walk-on on Seinfeld. One
day Kramer downloads a copy of Mosaic and
all sorts of zany, wacky Seinfeldish things
occur to the group. George discovers a.r.k
and tells Jerry about it.
“Jerry, there is a whole newsgroup devoted to
one man!” George says.
“Really? People from all over the world sit
around discussing a guy named Kibo.
Can you imagine the *power* he must
have?”
“Jerry, I will not rest until there is a
newsgroup called
alt.religion.george.costanza.”
Meanwhile, Elaine is stalked by a crazed
online kook. Kramer uses IRC to pick up
babes and one of Jerry’s ex’s uses his
password (which he screamed out.)
Lee S. Bumgarner, 22 September
( CONTINUED ) 123
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (David W. Tamkin)
Re: In Search of...The Kibology Cannon
Customer Account on MCSNet, Chicago, Illinois
18 Dec 1994 14:10:41 -0600
<[email protected]>
60657-3200
The Kibology Cannon is rusting next to the war memorial, which depicts
Kibo in bronze straddling the belly of his already deceased mount, all
six of whose hooves are in the air.
The Kibology Canyon has eroded into the Kibology Ravine and should be the
Kibology Arroyo in a few more years.
The Kibology Canon is out of print.
The Kibology Can is backing up, and Kibo has already beeped his plumber.
However, it is the Sunday before Christmas, so don't expect speedy
service.
The Kibology Cant continues unabated in alt.religion.kibology for your
netting pleasure.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Date:
Organization:
Message-ID:
Xcott Craver <[email protected]>
In a festive mood
22 Dec 1994 06:48:02 GMT
none
<[email protected]>
Anybody know any Kibo Carols? I already put up lights and a
Kibomas tree decorated with little Spots, but there's just something
missing - it's too quiet, dammit. Time to fish out that secret Kibo
songbook.
P.S.: Why are we only "... the third most popular religious
group on the net" ?? We should find some clever way to massively up
our numbers (I'm upping mine. Now up yours.). Maybe if we began to
make new users go on pilgrimages here the volume would outdo all the
misguided, heathen cult groups.
Speaking of which, are you aware of the fact that the phrase
"A Meet the Faculty Night" is an anagram of the equally funny phrase
"Eat my Heathen Cult Gift"? No, that's not an admission, if anybody
from our Psych. department is reading this, and you use glue anyways
now, you evil suppressors of creativity. Bastards.
-Caj
( CONTINUED ) 124
-------------------------------------------------------------------Xcott "Caj" Craver
[email protected]
You have just begun reading the .sig that you have just now finished
reading. Damn it's hard to justify text in a non-proportional font.
-------For information about this Usenet posting service, send mail to
[email protected], with Subject: remailer-info.
From:
Subject:
Date:
Kibo
Questions that urgently need answers
late December
[this article could only be partly reconstructed from fragments in the archive]
1.) I realized today that people have to have their TV dinner facing
with the meat side towards them before they can eat it. (In some rare
cases, people turn the tray 180 degrees to get to the dessert.) Why
does nobody orient the tray at arbitrary angles like 45 degrees to the
table? I demand to be allowed to have my TV dinner facing sideways,
diagonally, upside down, or even reversed left to right! WHY DO I DESIRE THIS?
2.) Space Ghost's spandex uniform has a little picture of him on the
chest. Does that little picture have a littler picture of Tiny Space Ghost?
TINY SPACE GHOST, WHAT ARE YOUR POWERS?
[...]
4.) We can see in three dimensions because we have two eyes. I know a
guy with three eyes who says he can see in four dimensions. IS HE LYING?
5.) What's the "stic" part of "elastic"? Does elastic get sticky when
it gets old, or does it just feel like you're wearing a stick? Why are
words so weird? Why aren't they always in alphabetic order? be better
much That would.
[...]
7.) Because this room is perfectly cubical, if I clap my hands it makes
this weird "bongggggg" echo. What would it sound like if my room was
inside out?
8.) Is Barney, technically, purple, magenta, or violet?
has the same teeth as Ken? What's Ken's last name?
Ever notice he
[...]
10.) What's Italian for "beable"? Would any of these questions make any
sense if translated into Italian? And would any of these questions make
any sense if translated into English?
( CONTINUED )
125
4 October, 1994
Kibo sees his name in big letters
on the cover of a book
he didn’t write, and says:
“Yeeeeeeeha. I’m a selling point!”
126
Newsgroups:
From:
Subject:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
alt.religion.kibology, alt.atheism.satire, rec.arts.prose
The Adventures Of GOD, etc. (STORIES, REPOST)
Fri, 19 Aug 1994 08:16:14 GMT
<[email protected]>
(C) 1992 James "Kibo" Parry.
Have fun, but not too much.
-- K.
THE FATHER, THE SON, THE HOLY SPIRIT, AND THE FAMILY PUPPY
==========================================================
Spot was talking to DOG. "So, DOG, you're the most powerful hipster
in the Universe, right?"
"No, Spot," DOG's voice boomed, "I may be the dog god, but I'm
JUST A DOG. You want the people god--GOD." DOG said "GOD" in
capital boldface italic shadowed letters of green fire.
"Gosh!" said Spot, who traipsed off to find GOD.
*
*
*
*
*
"So, GOD," said Spot humbly, "you're the most awesome dude in the
Universe, no?"
"YES, SPOT. THERE IS NOTHING I CANNOT DO."
"Can you make a rock so heavy you can't lift it?" Spot wondered.
GOD immediately zapped a rock the size of the galaxy into
existence, tried to pick it up, and got a holy hernia.
"WOW!" gushed Spot. "You really can do ANYTHING!"
"I THINK SO. AT LEAST NOBODY'S YET COME UP WITH SOMETHING I
CAN'T DO. GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT, MY PUPPY."
The windmills of Spot's mind meshed with the gears of his brain.
"Hmm... do you know how many grains of sand there are in the
Universe?"
"6,784,275,012,437,284,573,682,217 AND A HALF."
"Jeepers! That's RIGHT!" said Spot. "Okay, one more question.
Can you take away all your powers?"
GOD zapped himself and changed into an ordinary shmo who looked
like an aging hippie in a bathrobe. His halo turned to plastic.
"SEE, SPOT? I DID IT!"
"Gosharootie! You're the incrediblest, GOD! Anyway, what I came
to ask you was... I need a favor. I have this fatal disease, see,
and..."
"WAIT, SPOT, LET ME CHANGE BACK INTO THE ALMIGHTY ALL-SEEING
ALL-KNOWING ALL-EVERYTHING GOD FIRST." GOD tried to zap himself
back, but nothing happened. "HEY! I CAN'T ZAP MYSELF!"
Spot frowned. "Uh oh. Here, let me try." Spot tried to zap
GOD, but of course nothing happens. "Gee, GOD, looks like you're
just as powerless as me!"
GOD cried! Poor GOD!
( CONTINUED ) 127
If you've enjoyed this story, we also recommend...
GOD Goes To The Circus
GOD Sleeps Over With Spot
GOD Goes To The Hospital
GOD Joins The Scientologists
GOD Falls Into A Tar Pit
GOD Goes To Camp
Wile E. Coyote Anvils GOD
GOD Takes LSD And Sees Timothy Leary
GOD In Hell
GOD Swallows His Tongue
Spot Plays Pinball With GOD
GOD's Sitcom
GOD Goes To Jail
GOD's Nude Bubble Bath
GOD's First Christmas
EINSTEIN'S NEW HAMSTER
======================
Einstein's gerbil Hermes was dead. Einstein had tried to revive
Hermes with his retrogerbilizer, but it vaporized him, so Einstein
went out and bought a hamster. He named the hamster "Da", after
Leonardo da Vinci.
Da immediately escaped from his cage (he was smart, even for a
hamster) and tunneled into Einstein's waterbed. The house was
flooded! All the water ran into the basement where it soaked
Einstein's reams of laboratory notes, written in water-soluble
ballpoint.
Then, Da got into Einstein's jar of Flintstones chewable
vitamins, and chewed them. He immediately developed muscles and tore
Einstein's phone book in half. Then he beat Einstein unconscious and
took over his life.
*
*
*
*
*
"Hello, Professor," said Einstein's secretary as a tall figure
walked into Einstein's office at Princeton, near the dumpsters. She
didn't notice Einstein was really a hamster.
Da immediately broke open Einstein's desk drawer and found the
scrap of paper with the secret formula on it. He mixed up a batch of
carbonated antimatter, the most bubbly drink in the Universe. "Try
this," he said to the secretary. She did and she exploded fizzily.
Da snickered.
He made more carbonated antimatter and loaded his water pistol.
Then he went out to kill his arch-enemy, Abraham Lincoln.
Da found Lincoln at Fnord's Thneater and shot deadly bubble water
at him. He missed. According to the Constitution, this meant that
Lincoln got "hitsies"! Lincoln socked Da. Da retaliated by hitting
Lincoln with a lead-based cream pie and tossing Lincoln into a handy
bowl of piranhas. This made Da President!
( CONTINUED ) 128
Da declared all television illegal except in the White House.
Then he settled down to watch Cheers, knowing that nobody else, not
even Einstein, could watch it. He laughed the evil laugh of a
deranged giant hamster as Ted Danson's hairline moved.
GOD MEETS THE THREE STOOGES
===========================
Poor GOD! Not only had he lost all his powers, but he was trapped in
a Three Stooges film!
"Hey! Lookit the rube!" said Curly, as he tripped GOD. GOD fell
into a vat of tapioca. Curly nyuk-nyuk-nyuked.
Moe pulled GOD out of the vat. "So, you're a wise guy, eh? You
thought you could steal our tapioca recipe by pretending to be a
supernatural being? Why, you... I'll show you what we do to YOUR
kind!"
Moe poked GOD in the eyes. Larry pulled GOD's hair. Curly
yanked GOD's nostrils. Moe kicked GOD in the butt sixteen times.
Larry hit GOD with kidney pies. Curly spilled acid on GOD.
Just then, Shemp and Joe, the BAD STOOGES, burst into the room.
"Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Hey, Curly!" they said, "Stop picking on
that poor guy! You should behave yourselves!"
GOD sided with Shemp and Joe in the ensuing rumble. They whipped
Moe, Larry, and Curly fair and square. GOD took out a little Hello
Kitty memo pad and wrote a note to Himself to be sure that they went
to Hell if He ever got his powers back. Then He bought beer for
Shemp and Joe.
OTHER SWELL BOOKS AVAILABLE NOW:
GOD GOES TO THE DENTIST
=======================
Spot and his new pal, GOD, strolled into the Japanese grocery store.
Spot's eyes bulged. "Hey, look, GOD, there's a candy bar with your
picture on the wrapper!"
GOD looked. The cartoon showed HIM clubbing demons with a big
peanut-butter-flavored stick.
"GEE, SPOT," whispered GOD, "MAYBE IF
I EAT SOME OF THIS I'LL GET MY POWERS BACK!" They each bought a
candy bar and ate them immediately.
Kibo is writing about
real Japanese candy.
GOD Meets Mr. Belvedere
GOD Sucks A Lollipop Too Hard
Gary Coleman vs GOD... With Axes
GOD Meets The Fruit Of The Loom Guys
GOD vs. GODzilla
GOD Sells Blood
GOD Works At McDonalds
Death Of A Salesman Starring GOD
( CONTINUED ) 129
Nothing happened to GOD, but SPOT began to glow. SPOT ran off to
club demons. GOD cried!
*
*
*
*
*
"SO YOU SEE," GOD told the dentist, "I ATE TEN THOUSAND OF THESE
STALE JAPANESE CANDY BARS, SEE, AND MY TEETH HURT!"
"Hmm," said the dentist, "looks like I'll have to drill!"
Visions of a third Lexus danced in his head. GOD screamed as the
dentist plunged the drill into the first of the dozen huge cavities.
Just as the dentist was finishing all the fillings, SPOT walked
in through the wall and zapped the dentist out of existence. Spot
smiled. "I HEARD YOUR SCREAMS, GOD OL' BUDDY, AND I CAME TO HELP."
"Angs oo," drooled GOD as the Novocaine began to take effect.
COMING NEXT TIME:
GOD's Acid-Rock Band
Einstein Goes To Kindergarten
Spot Backs His Pinto Into A Blast Furnace
Hello Kitty's Badly Drawn--And Quartered!
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
from 1991:
From:
Newsgroups:
Subject:
Date:
Organization:
[email protected] (Arthur Delano)
alt.tasteless,alt.religion.kibology
Re: Bad, Real Food
10 Dec 91 16:36:24 GMT
Advanced Kim Chee Lab, Midwest
Aficionados of oriental groceries can find a plethora of wonderful foods.
One can find varieties of durian cookies, and if lucky, a whole durian, which
is the size of a large cantalope, dark green, which long, sharp spikes. I'm
told that in some South Pacific islands, durian milkshakes can be found at the
McDonalds. The taste? Indescribable; does not fit any occidental standards
of cuisine.
I've always wanted to have a Surprise Junk Food party, where everybody who
attends needs to bring a strange snack from an oriental grocery store. The
problem is that I'm the only one of my acquantances who enjoys these sorts of
things.
I miss spending hours in the Chinese, Japanese, and Korean groceries around
Boston and studying the packaging (ObKiboGraphicReference) and finding everstranger foods. My favorite is a candy at Yoshinoya Grocery in Cambridge;
it has a picture of God clubbing demons, with Jesus and Mary and other saints
looking on. There's a wonderful sticker in each pack. I've never been able
to find out what the candy was called, or what all the text on each pack meant.
Oh, yeah. In good Korean restaurants, one can order a spiced raw beef
appetizer that's really good. It sits in a shallow bowl and wiggles slightly;
it tastes fine but the texture and the temperature are disturbing. And
the flavor never really goes away, no matter what else one eats.
AjD
[email protected]
ps. Hey Kibo. Next time I'm in Boston let me know where the hairlike
vegetable soup is.
Re: The Adventures Of GOD, etc. (STORIES, REPOST)
alt.religion.kibology, alt.atheism.satire, rec.arts.prose
Sun, 21 Aug 1994 05:27:53 GMT
<[email protected]>
Ted Frank <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> [email protected] writes:
> >
> >
Moe poked GOD in the eyes. Larry pulled GOD's hair. Curly
From the candy wrapper
> > yanked GOD's nostrils. Moe kicked GOD in the butt sixteen times.
which started it all.
> > Larry hit GOD with kidney pies. Curly spilled acid on GOD.
> >
Just then, Shemp and Joe, the BAD STOOGES, burst into the room.
> > "Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Hey, Curly!" they said, "Stop picking on
> > that poor guy! You should behave yourselves!"
>
> I note that Kibo accurately identifies Shemp and Joe as the bad stooges.
> I rest my case.
Of course I know my Stooges. Last year I toured the country with my
one-man show, "The One Stooge". As Curlarrmoly, I wore this interesting
wig with two colors of hair and a big bald zone in the middle, and poked
myself in the eyes continuously for two hours straight while a tape loop
repeatedly played that "BOOP!" sound effect they always used. It was a
living hell, but only for the audience.
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 130
Nice work, Kibo. My question to you
is: are you into *sharing* power? How
about inviting me on your show so that
I can tell the public about Cybograsms
and the IDEOLOGY OF TRUE
LOVE. Don’t you want to help us
create the lovolution? Are you for
overthrowing the powers of greed and
exploitation? If you are then have me on
your show. Do you realize that we live
in the same state?
Doctress Neutopia, early October
There’s also “black Kibology” which only
works if you do it wrong, and “Kibology
for dogs” which always works, except
Spot’s never been allowed to try it,
because he’s just a dog.
KIBO, 19 October
( CONTINUED ) 131
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Followup-To:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: F.J. Tipler: what's his reputation?
sci.physics, alt.religion.kibology
sci.physics, alt.sex, alt.religion.kibology, alt.slack, rec.arts.sf.movies
Sun, 21 Aug 1994 08:41:59 GMT
<[email protected]>
In sci.physics, Jack Sarfatti wrote:
>
> He is not a crackpot.
So let me get this straight... Tipler is not a crackpot because you said
so and we know we can trust you because you claim to have perhaps personally
imspired just about every science fiction film made in the last twenty
years (including the final episode of "Star Trek: TNG", you mentioned
once) because you knew someone who knew Francis Ford Coppola
who knew Roger Corman who at the time was making films that Steven
Spielberg, Ivan Reitman, Terry Gilliam, Bob Zemeckis, etc. might have seen
a few decades before they made "Ghostbusters", "Back From The Future",
"Time Bandits", etc.? Or am I missing a step in your reasoning?
Can you please draw me a diagram of how you knowing some of the same people
as Francis Ford Coppola does, proves that Tipler is not a crackpot?
I know little about Tipler, but I don't see how your knowing people in
Hollywood ties in with the grand scheme here.
In fact, I don't see what your activities in the world of physics could
have to do with, say, "Ghostbusters", a wacky comedy about people who
shoot lightning bolts at a giant marshmallow man, unless you've been
researching ways ghosts can cover people with green slime. Now, if
you'd said you inspired the monsters Coppola built for Corman's "Battle
Beyond the Sun", that would have been much more plausible. Or Jack
Hermann's speech in "The Yesterday Machine". But "Ghostbusters"?
-- K.
all IMHO, of course.
P.S.
The part about "having lots of beautiful women" is relevant, though.
Please tell us more.
“IMHO” = “In My Humble Opinion”.
It’s Internet jargon for “Ha, ha, you
can’t throw virtual lawyers at me
now, Nonexistent Lawsuit Boy!”
In another sci.physics article, Jack Sarfatti <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> You must remember that was in the late 60's and early 70's. I found teaching
> at San Diego State to be boring. I was burned out after four years and most
> of the faculty were boring etc. I threw away a lot of financial security
> but I had great adventures and lots of beautiful women all over the world > you can read my memoirs by downloading "Sarfatti's Illuminati" on WELL GOPHER.
> The films Ghost Buster's, Back From The Future, Close Encounters of The Third
> Kind, Peggy Sue Got Married and Time Bandits might not have even been conceived
> were it not for my activities at Esalen in Big Sur in mid 70's and my
> connections to Francis Ford Coppola's circle at that time. [...]
( CONTINUED ) 132
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Followup-To:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
sci.physics, alt.religion.kibology, alt.slack, rec.arts.sf.movies,
alt.magic, alt.magick,alt.sex
Mon, 22 Aug 1994 05:32:07 GMT
<[email protected]>
Jack Sarfatti <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Yes, Kibo Ghostbusters, especially Ghostbusters, I am a Ghostbuster remember, we
> were the physicists researching Ghosts (ESP) at Esalen. As I sai, the connection to
> Ghost Busters is very direct via George Koopman who influenced writing of the script
> and who was promoting me and my Esalen group - the scene in Ghost Busters where the
> State College professor seduces the young coed is based directly on Fred Alan Wolf's
> and my activities as Physics Professors at San Diego State where we made love to lots
> of very pretty coeds, - though not ones in our classes -often two or more in one day
> - ah youth! I was in my late 20's when I was a prof there and was not much older
> than the coeds.
I am speechless. Especially since I didn't know that Columbia
University's real name was "State College". They changed it to protect
the innocent, right?
Weren't you also the model for one of the new characters in _Ghostbusters II_?
I'm thinking of the sequence with Bill Murray discussing physics with a
lot of people with new ideas.
>
>
>
>
>
they did! The only thing I regret about quitting my job at San Diego State is the girls! Fred shot a film with a bunch of naked really spectacular coeds and me
on the nude beach in La Jolla, Black's Beach where I play GOD* coming out of the sea.
We had this old Argentine Movie Director with green shoes who was practically blind
directing. It actually was a good film.
Please tell us where to get it.
I *must* see this!
-- K.
It's presumably not as chock-full of
quantum physics as _Ghostbusters_.
When I called to cancel cable, the guy on the phone
didn’t believe me when I said “I don’t watch it” as a
reason to cancel. He thought I was lying.
Terra Goodnight, 4 October
( CONTINUED ) 133
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Many Worlds, Bells Inequality & Stuff
Mon, 22 Aug 1994 06:05:55 GMT
<[email protected]>
In sci.physics, Jack Sarfatti <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> [in discussion with a third party]
> I gave you an explicit quote from Bohm and Hiley in my last post which you ignore.
> Since you are in a state of crackpot denial on this particular, I suggest we
> drop it since you are too stubborn to understand the obvious meaning of the
> quote I gave.
Also, he's covered with 200 tons of cosmetic lava!
> You are describing yourself and projecting it on to me.
Wow! When you listed all those movies you said you inspired, you forgot
to mention that you also are Eliza!
> It is impossible to proceed rationally.
> [proceeds for a while]
> I should send you a bill for psychoanalytical services!
Don't you normally just ask people to leave the money on top of the
terminal after they end the session?
>
>
>
>
Aha! I was right! I had not read this part when I wrote the above. What I do
when I see a post by Price mentioning me I immediately go into reply mode
and answer in linear sequence without reading entire long post by Mike
ahead of time.
Good method--it saves inertia, because time has inertia.
> Any playwrights out there? I mean is this dialogue funny or is it funny?
You have get a career in standup physics.
Hey, did you have any classes with Emilia Dubicki when you attended Emerson?
She was nice, but Mike Bent was the best...
-- K.
Someday I’ll meet Claudia [Christian] even if
I have to push Bill Mumy out of the way!!!
KIBO, 19 October
( CONTINUED ) 134
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Fri, 26 Aug 1994 07:57:53 GMT
<[email protected]>
Jack Sarfatti <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> I wrote the I Ching in one of my Future Lives and then transmitted it back
> in time.
Wile writing it, were you consulting random passages from
Philip K. Dick's "The Man In The High Castle"?
(Look, mommy, I made an obscure funny!
So obscure that it's not worth explaining!)
-- K.
Folks who don’t know,
alt.religion.kibology is a newsgroup
which sprung up around a gentleman
named James Kibo. Now I have no
evidence that James Kibo is an illmannered individual, so this is not an
invitation to flame James Kibo and
his Net groupies.
Christine M. Faltz, 6 October
(complaining about an off-topic posting to the “Fuckability”
topic in alt.sex.fetish.startrek – I am not making this up)
( CONTINUED ) 135
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: D'oh Re: me
alt.zen, alt.religion.kibology
Mon, 22 Aug 1994 05:39:23 GMT
<[email protected]>
>
> [email protected] (David L. Coffey) writes:
>
> > Also...Robert Louis Stevenson...had a somewhat misguided viewpoint of
> > Henry David that is shared by many who merely scan the surface of Thoreau.
> > Stevie boy said something like...Thoreau preaches self-reliance and
> > independence in everything, but I notice that he seems to never stray too
> > far from Emerson's dinner bell. :)
Which Emerson dining hall was this? I used to eat at Zero Marlborough
all the time because the food was marginally better than Charlesgate
Dining Commons (it was on a smaller scale) and because Charlesgate
tended to give people gastroenteritis by the hundreds.
Ever since I graduated from Emerson, I miss the soup made with the
vegetables with the holes in them from where they'd been on the
shish-kebab the day before last.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Hey, knowing where to get a regular meal for free sounds
pretty self-reliant in my book. Pigeons could hunt bugs & worms
but they're smart enough to go to the park's human vending machines
that don't require any cash or effort. That kinda behavior
gives pigeons & writers more time to think. Pigeons are so
smart they even collaborated with Skinner in psychology
experiments -- Skinner learned more from them than they
did from him.
Those weren't pigeons, those were lemurs. You're confusing Skinner's
Lemur Box with the famous Pigeon experients on whether or not babies can
tell which cylinder has the most water in it. (Sometimes I wonder
whether most Usenet posters are above the "object permanence" level on
the Pigeon development scale.)
>
hunt bugs or get a job at a 7-11.
That's "7-ELEVEN", according to the sign. I think they spell it out
that way because it's illegal to show the number "711" on TV because
then it will interfere with people trying to call the fire department.
Remember how when you were a kid you weren't supposed to play with the
phone because you might accidentally dial the fire department? Well,
that law was passed by 7-Eleven lobbyists!
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 136
BEWARE!
There is a
SCARY
MONSTER
on the next page!
SCARY
MONSTER AT
THE END OF
THIS BOOK!
MTV’s “Yack Live” is
SCARIEST MONSTER
OF ALL, AT THE END
OF THIS BOOK!
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Kibo Nude!
alt.binaries.pictures.supermodels, alt.religion.kibology,
alt.ted.frank.troll.troll.troll
Mon, 22 Aug 1994 08:56:27 GMT
<[email protected]>
In alt.binaries.pictures.supermodels, Cholette Martin <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> [re Ted Frank's posting of a GIF]
> The thing is not that it may be a publicly funded institution but that
> the poster has the sickest mind in the world. You see Ted is (or is
> studying to become) a lawer. It would be his argument that he is allowed
> to post what he wants because he is entitled to "the pursuit of happiness".
What the Constitution actually says is "the Purfuit of Happinefs,"
however I'm not sure what flavor of purfuit that is, or whether he'll
have to eat it out of one of those tall fundae glafses with the long fpoon.
Also, I see from the U-Chicago secret database that Ted's actually
studying to be a "Virtual Lawyer", one of those people who wears the
three-piece datasuit with the helmet-mounted laser-firing attache case
and the neon blue spandex legal briefs. Ted will have the ability to
fly through cyberspace blasting felons and computer viruses with
lightning bolts from his eyes, making the world a better place for EVERYONE!
(Except Spot, he's just a *dog*.)
>
>
>
>
>
>
As there are net.gods, Ted is a net.god.of.the.underworld. I am not saying
that Ted is the embodiment of Satan... HE IS SATAN!!! This man cross posts
to every newsgroup when he gets a flame (which, beleive it or not is quite
often). Every argument is answered with a lengthy legal review. Any mention
about the Holocaust is taken personally. And above all else, Ted is
ALWAYS RIGHT.
>
>
>
>
Ted is one incredible person, he is everywhere. He is in essence the
amnthethesis of Kibo, the Internet benevolent answerer of all questions
and solver of all problems. Ted is the non-answerer and problem creator
of the net.
Oh, come on, I create almost *half* of the problems.
usually makes them ten times worse.)
(But then Ted
You also have to weight this against the fact that he once helped to
make Michael O'Hare *laugh*, an amazing feat.
See the last few
pages of the 1995
anthology for the
full story.
He claimed he was wrong once, but we later discovered it wasn't true.
( CONTINUED ) 139
> Ted, from all of us who have ever had the...
> with you: we love you! :-)
opportunity of interacting
And those who've never interacted with Ted will someday be forced to! Hats
off to Ted Frank and his Legion of Inanimate Objects That Don't Do Anything!
-- K.
[yes, I know what a "long s"
really is, thank you very much]
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Prediction: "best" September ever for newbie-watching
alt.religion.kibology, alt.folklore.urban, alt.newbie
Tue, 23 Aug 1994 07:41:08 GMT
<[email protected]>
Compuserve's Usenet gateway is just opening its doors. Compuserve's
bigger than AOL or Genie or Delphi, and harder to use than two of them.
Also, millions of freshmen, for the first time, have been exposed to
hundreds of "popular" media articles on how "hip" the Internet is.
They'll all be expecting some rad-i-k00l fun.
I predict that these two factors will not only make this the biggest new
influx of September users that Usenet's ever seen, but also the most
interesting.
People who troll for newbies will probably have scads of evil fun.
It seems to have started already.
Therefore, I would like to remind people:
While we may seem to have a virtually inexhaustible supply of new users
this September, don't troll the living daylights out of them immediately!
Ration your trolling so that we may still have clueless users to pick on
in March. And above all, *don't* give them any tips! The last thing
we'd want them to do is to become sophisticated, serious users before we
can take advantage of them!
-- K.
Very few people from Compuserve actually found their way onto
Usenet, probably because of the service’s relatively difficult user
interface. We didn’t see many Prodigy users either, because they
had to download an extra piece of software to use Usenet. AOL, of
course, became more and more infamous for hosting large numbers
of clueless users, because AOL made it easy to post to Usenet.
Some of AOL’s users are mature, intelligent people, but they’re still
stigmatized by having a an address that ends in .aol.com…
( CONTINUED ) 140
I think Barry Morse disappeared into a Time
Twinkie that transported him to the Missing
Year Zero, where he was never seen again.
MATT MCIRVIN, 20 October
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Kibo numbers are passe'!
alt.religion.kibology, alt.folkore.urban
Wed, 24 Aug 1994 04:21:54 GMT
<[email protected]>
Kibo numbers are crappy old things for LOSERS.
The HIP people have changed their .sigs from "Kibo number n" to
"Kibo Factor n"!
I suggest making fun of anyone who is still so backwards that they have
a "Kibo number" in their .sig. Kibo Factors are much cooler than Kibo
numbers.
And to kick off this new Kibo Factor craze, everyone who goes to
McDonalds and mentions this article will get FREE MEALS FOR THE REST OF
THEIR LIVES!
And,
name
will
time
of course, the inventor of the old Kibo numbering system (whose
slips my mind at the moment--please step forward and take a bow)
be officially excommunicated for five minutes, at the end of which
we'll all forgive him.
-- K.
The whole idea behind “Kibo numbers” was that they measured
what degree of contact you’ve had with Kibo: 0 means you are
Kibo, 1 means you’ve met Kibo, 2 means you’ve received mail
from Kibo, 3 means Kibo followed up to one of your postings, or
something like that. They were first conceived by Thom Grace
in late 1993. In the time since, someone else invented the
general-purpose “Geek Code” for .signatures, which quantifies
many personality elements, including a “K” scale which serves a
similar purpose. Note that Kibo does not give a damn what your
Kibo number is, specially since his is always lower than yours.
( CONTINUED ) 141
Phineas just kept me awake by going
“MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH
MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH”
with his soft Tender Vittles
(how DO they do that?) all night.
Kibo, 19 October
That’s the other major advantage
of Kibology. The religion is
indistinguishable from an ice
cream bar or a footstool, which
has the advantage of making it the
only religion you can eat while
sitting on it. Also, this means that
because ice cream bars and
footstools are identical, your buns
will stay cool during a long sitting.
KIBO, 19 October. Did I eat some bad Crunchberries?
( CONTINUED ) 142
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Literally juvenile SF (was Re: WORST SCIENCE FICTION NOVEL EVER)
rec.arts.sf.written, alt.religion.kibology
8 Sep 1994 22:11:08 GMT
<[email protected]>
You never read my unfinished magnum opus _Watch Your Brain_, which
goes to about page 20 (barely legibly handwritten on the backs of old
octal dumps) before petering out. I was in grade five or six when I
wrote it.
The plot was stupendously baroque. The hero is an astronaut whose
space shuttle collides with a Russian Soyuz (which is not really
Russian: the whole mission was faked by an eccentric millionaire who
wishes to murder the hero in order to collect on a $300 bet with one
of the hero's friends). He somehow barely survives, in the classic
manner of Lee Majors, and has his brain transplanted into a robot body
(which he had previously designed himself), whereupon he attempts to
get his old astronaut job back and is offered only the job of "food
supply computer," and is then suddenly recruited by a mad general to
singlehandedly invade and conquer the USSR with his amazing robot
power. He attempts to travel to Russia by tugboat, disguised as a
carnival attraction called "the Wonder Machine," and midway through
learns of the nefarious plot against him when the millionaire quite
unexpectedly pops out from under a tarpaulin and confesses everything.
Instead of invading Russia solo, he gets an improved, more humanoid
body and is hired back by NASA to travel to Mars, a trip with lots of
illustrations, ending in a catastrophic eruption of Olympus Mons which
necessitates his reassembly from spare parts.
He then decides to quit the astronaut business and instead goes to
work for his former employer, the company that transplanted his brain.
Their next patient is a young man brain-damaged in a car accident;
the accident removed the part of his brain holding the multiplication
table, and asking him to multiply numbers puts him into a catatonic
trance. They fill the hole in his mind by implanting the brain of a
robin, conveniently available in cold storage. Asking him to multiply
numbers now causes him to make bird calls and attempt to jump out the
window. At that point I ran out of ideas, though I had vague plans to
have the robot guy help the bird-man escape from relentless tabloid
journalists.
Matt McIrvin has a photographic memory, but only for bad science fiction.
> Time to come clean: *I* wrote the worst sf novel ever. At least, I
> coauthored it. That is, I started to coauthor it. In our defense, we
> were in grade seven at the time [...]
( CONTINUED ) 143
All this in about 20 pages, with pictures. I had been inspired to
write it upon discovering that one of my classmates was himself writing
a science-fiction epic, entitled _Space 999,999,999,999,999,999._ I
wished to do something a little more, er, sophisticated.
Unfortunately (?) I can no longer find the manuscript to _Watch Your
Brain_. I suspect that it is interred in the attic at my parents'
house.
-Matt
01234567
<-- Indent-o-Meter
McIrvin
^
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
If Matt ever
finds it, I
promise to
typeset it and
scan all the
pictures so that
you can enjoy
it in convenient
book form.
Re: Literally juvenile SF (was Re: WORST SCIENCE FICTION NOVEL EVER)
rec.arts.sf.written, alt.religion.kibology
14 Sep 1994 18:25:18 GMT
<[email protected]>
[in response to a synopsis of the MOST AWESUM S1-FIGH N0VUL EVER,
which I wrote when I was approximately eleven]
The Wandering Jew <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Mike Arnautov ([email protected]) wrote:
> >
> > Matt, that sounds like a synopsis for a mega-selling, award-winning
> > multi-volume saga! Whatever made you to give it up????
>
> Hmmm... I am not so sure about awards, but do show it to Cameron, will
> you? After _True Lies_ I wouldn't be surprised if could make a
> blockbuster movie out of it...
They might take out all the cool parts and put in lots of STUPID
stuff, like characters and love interest, or something. I would have
to retain strict creative control to prevent this. Also I would want
a special effects budget of about $75 million, to do the eruption of
the volcano on Mars that tosses the Mars rover a hundred feet into the
air, and to animate the corridor of space junk that keeps the hero
from steering out of the way of the Soyuz even though he can see the
anguished faces of the suicidal pseudo-cosmonauts in the portholes as
it approaches. Also there would have to be lots and lots of morphing.
A morph in every shot! The audience demands nothing less. I could
avoid hiring actors by just using plastic mannequins and having them
morph from position to position, combined with a patented process
halfway between Supermarionation and Synchro-Vox. It would be the
movie of the century. I can smell it already.
-Matt
01234567
<-- Indent-o-Meter
McIrvin
^
Harnessing tab damage for peaceful( CONTINUED
ends!
)
144
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: ALTAR OF SCIENCE AND PHYSICS IS PLUTONIUM
namely, a certain Mr. McIrvin
5 Sep 1994 23:38:52 GMT
<[email protected]>
>
> I asked one of the guys from sci.physics why I wouldn't be able to see
> in four dimensions if I had three eyes and he just looked at me funny
> across the table at Taco Bell. That sort of crap doesn't happen here on alt.*.
>
> He didn't know how many protons there are in a gluon, either.
Well, NOBODY knows, unless they look, and then they might get all
sorts of numbers, and besides how are you going to find a free gluon
anyway, and even if you could what would be the scale you use 'cause
the damn thing runs under the Altarelli-Parisi equation, and I started
to explain all this to you and puppy-antipuppy pairs besides, but then
those mean boys at the next table started THROWING things at me, and
gave me an atomic wedgie, and then I was sorry I ever split the atom!!!
ATOM.
-Matt
01234567
<-- Indent-o-Meter
McIrvin
^
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
[email protected] (Jack Sarfatti)
Re: Tipler's Vision
sci.physics, talk.religion.newage,sci.skeptic,
alt.consciousness, alt.religion.kibology
Organization: Netcom
Date:
3 Sep 1994 08:40:00 GMT
[email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:
>
> In sci.physics, Jack Sarfatti <[email protected]> wrote:
> >
> > [email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:
> > >
> > > In several groups, Jack Sarfatti <[email protected]> wrote:
> > > >
> > > > Robots whose brains are at the quantum level with self-measurement
> > > > beyond the orthodox limit will have the same kind of conscious
> > > > experience as we do.
> > >
> > > Then how do you know you're *not* one right now?
> >
> > That's Tipler's point Kibotzer (Yiddish for Jokester)!
( CONTINUED )
145
>
> Wait, Jack, I thought my sci.physics nickname was "James Parshitty", at
> least according to Alexander Abian! You don't mean to tell me he was
> only TROLLING me, do you?
I don't waste my time reading Abian or Plutonium, and I suppose I should not
waste my time reading you except I am such an egomaniac that I must read
anything that has my name in it. I do agree with Uri Geller on that point I don't care what they say as long as they spell my name right! :-) If they
don't I send Vito and Dominic to teach them how to spell. :-) Did you ever
read Best Short Stories of 1966 about Mafioso "Mike Sarfatti" who casts
his enemies is quick drying concrete so that they are caught in motion before
he drops them into the Hudson River. Finally he is sent back to Palermo by
the Feds - or, maybe Rome, and he becomes a great sculpter mystic whose
art is "beyond spacetime". The story is, I think by Romain Gary. It's odd that
a book I co-wrote is called Space-Time and Beyond (Dutton, 1974) - I only
read the Gary story years later. And of course the name "Sarfatti" and of course
the"M" refers to Mussolini's confidant Margherita Sarfatti (see recent book,
Il Duce's Other Woman) etc. etc.
> One of you two is trolling me and I ain't going home until
> one o' you fesses up. And besides, I thought my official
> sci.physics nickname was "Kibo, the Dr. Zachary Smith of his day."
What does "trolling" mean. Is that part of your "private language"
from your days as an "autist" - you have read Wittgenstein's Blue
and Brown books have you not?
Who is "Dr Zachary Smith". Zachary Scott I know but Smith?
Maybe Scott was hiding from creditors? No Kibotzer is good!
I dub thee Sir James Kibotzer Fool of the Collapsed Quantum State.
This is ample proof that my mind, at any rate, is a chaotic system. A little
touch of Kibo in the Knight leads to an avalanche of imagery. I quite surprise
myself. Where is it all coming from? Are any of you stupid and bumpkin enough
to assume you know or to comfort your fear by saying that you do not care? See
what Cornell did to me! "Oy,oy,oy, Zeta Beta Toy, vat di ya do to my little
Yiddish boy - a shiksaholic he is now!" It's all Vladimir Nabokov's fault - they
should have never let him corrupt the youth in Ithaca. All these years I try
but have not yet left the lotus lands of California to return to my Ithaca of
the 1950's - in a powder blue 56 Ford Fairlane convertible - getting laid!
ZB}[J <== that’s a 1 line picture
of Batman
NinjaBOB of the Fuuma Clan,( CONTINUED
7 October) 146
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Tipler's Vision
sci.physics, talk.religion.newage, sci.skeptic,
alt.consciousness, alt.religion.kibology
Mon, 5 Sep 1994 05:24:04 GMT
<[email protected]>
In several groups, Jack Sarfatti <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> I don't waste my time reading Abian or Plutonium, and I suppose I should not
> waste my time reading you except I am such an egomaniac that I must read
> anything that has my name in it.
So how often do people try to troll you by saying, "Jack, it's really
such a shame what Umberto Eco said about you somewhere in _Focault's
Pendulum_", and does it ever work?
>
>
>
>
>
>
I do agree with Uri Geller on that point I don't care what they say as long as they spell my name right! :-) If they
don't I send Vito and Dominic to teach them how to spell. :-) Did you ever
read Best Short Stories of 1966 about Mafioso "Mike Sarfatti" who casts
his enemies is quick drying concrete so that they are caught in motion before
he drops them into the Hudson River.
I believe this was by Chuck Jones, with the voice of Mel Blanc.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Kibo wrote:
>
> One of you two is trolling me and I ain't going home until one o' you
> fesses up. And besides, I thought my official sci.physics nickname was
> "Kibo, the Dr. Zachary Smith of his day."
What does "trolling" mean. Is that part of your "private language" from your
days as an "autist" - you have read Wittgenstein's Blue and Brown books have
you not?
I haven't read Wittgenstein's books, but I looked at some of his
striations in a meteorite once.
> Who is "Dr Zachary Smith". Zachary Scott I know but Smith? Maybe Scott
> was hiding from creditors? No Kibotzer is good! I dub thee Sir James Kibotzer
> Fool of the Collapsed Quantum State.
Yay! I've been knighted by Jack Sarfatti! As to whom Dr. Smith is,
let's just say that Zachary Smith was the Jack Sarfatti of his day.
> This is ample proof that my mind, at any rate, is a chaotic system. A little
> touch of Kibo in the Knight leads to an avalanche of imagery. I quite surprise
( CONTINUED ) 147
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
myself. Where is it all coming from? Are any of you stupid and bumpkin enough
to assume you know or to comfort your fear by saying that you do not care? See
what Cornell did to me! "Oy,oy,oy, Zeta Beta Toy, vat di ya do to my little
Yiddish boy - a shiksaholic he is now!" It's all Vladimir Nabokov's fault - they
should have never let him corrupt the youth in Ithaca. All these years I try
but have not yet left the lotus lands of California to return to my Ithaca of
the 1950's - in a powder blue 56 Ford Fairlane convertible - getting laid!
I liked this post a lot, up to the Andrew Dice Clay joke, and then it
just sort of fizzled out.
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: The Trilateral Commision
alt.conspiracy, alt.religion.kibology
Wed, 7 Sep 1994 08:12:19 GMT
<[email protected]>
In [alt.conspiracy], Brian Trosko <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> The Trilateral Commission is an international coterie of financiers who
> periodically meet in secret and determine the future course of the
> world's financial markets. We are extremely powerful, and you do NOT want
> to even think about messing around with us. I, for example, am in
> control of worldwide Zinc prices. Ted Frank controls magnesium. Kibo
> controls the entire world supply of Tungsten Carbide, AND the price of
> newsprint. So don't get any ideas, see? We're waiting.
It's about time to fess up to it. Not only have I cornered the market
on tungsten carbide, but I did it entirely with scab labor. Yes, I run
a little company named Non-Union Carbide.
P.S. Next week newsprint goes up to ten bucks a barrel when a vending
machine on a streetcorner in Wook, Iowa catches fire, causing a
nationwide panic that we will loudly deny exists. THERE IS NO NEED TO
BEGIN HOARDING NEWSPRINT. THERE IS AN ADEQUATE SUPPLY AND A NEW
SHIPMENT WILL ARRIVE SOMETIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
-- K.
Please blame Kibo for
the fact that newsprint
prices skyrocketed right
after he wrote this.
( CONTINUED ) 148
WATCH OUT!
There is a
SCARY
MONSTER
on the next page!
SCARY
MONSTER AT
THE END OF
THIS BOOK!
The awesome powers of our Dark Overlord,
Erin Moran, pale before the might of the
SUPER-SCARY
SCARIEST MONSTER
OF ALL, AT THE END
OF THIS BOOK!
Buzzy’s “Fries” are potatoes cut into
quarters and then not cooked.
Think of them as rocks
made of raw starch.
Kibo, 14 December
Actually, [the Kibo action figure’s]
like a Pez dispenser,
only it destroys Pez.
KIBO, 6 December
[cold medication] will make
me feel like I’m wearing scuba gear
at a depth of around 20 feet for six
hours. The weird part was it felt like
I was wearing fins on my hands
as well as my feet.
Kibo, 26 October
( CONTINUED ) 151
From:
Subject:
Fun Facts for today!
Newsgroups:
Date: Thu, 8 Sep 1994 08:52:14 GMT
1.) My bedroom is more acoustically interesting than yours. It's eight
by eight by eight feet, with only one door and one window (would that it
had neither!) and all six sides are nice and smooth. Regular
conversation echoes strangely in here, and if I clap my hands I hear
"boinggggg!"
2.) Ever see your own bones? I mean without an X-ray. I have a hole in
my finger. It's really small so it should heal before _you_ get to see
anything.
3.) Tonight, Conan O'Brien's necktie looked like the Lost In Space title
sequence.
4.) Every paragraph should leave just one word on the final line, like
this.
GOD BLESS AUTOWRAP AND SOFT RAG!
-- K.
Newsgroups:
From:
Subject:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
MGH
Thu, 8 Sep 1994 09:09:46 GMT
<[email protected]>
I recently needed medical attention, and since I live across the street
from Massachusetts General Hospital more or less, I strolled into the
Emergency Entrance. This is the same hospital where Michael Crichton
and Robin Cook used to work (Matt McIrvin disputes my fervent belief
that they're the same person) and where the experiments in the film of
"Altered States" were supposed to be taking place (I read the script.)
I filled out some forms and sat in the waiting room for four hours.
Then nothing happened, and I decided I was feeling better, so I left,
but first I told them I had to go so they could throw out my form and
not bill me for the spontaneous remission they caused.
"You were next," the desk guy said as I left, presumably just to spite me.
So? I knew that--there hadn't been anyone else in the waiting room for
an hour or two.
( CONTINUED ) 152
Also, everything gets swabbed down with this licorice-scented
disinfectant, and the only person who saw my body was someone who barged
into the bathroom without knocking. I think I scared her.
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Accidental Body Piercing.
rec.arts.bodyart, alt.religion.kibology
Tue, 13 Sep 1994 09:05:15 GMT
<[email protected]>
Well, the hole in my finger closed up today, no thanks to the staff of
Massachusetts General Hospital. And I wanted to put a ring in it, too.
The surface tension of liquids is such a fun phenomena; if you have a
small but deep hole in your flesh, you can look in and see blood moving
up and down with every heartbeat, but it won't leak all over the carpet.
Thanks to all who sent get-well-soon cards to my finger.
My finger sends its greetings.
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Accidental Body Piercing.
rec.arts.bodyart, alt.religion.kibology
Wed, 14 Sep 1994 07:13:51 GMT
<[email protected]>
brent jackson <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> ...thus spake James "Kibo" Parry through the avatar [email protected]...
> \\
> \\ The surface tension of liquids is such a fun phenomena; if you have a
> \\ small but deep hole in your flesh, you can look in and see blood moving
> \\ up and down with every heartbeat, but it won't leak all over the carpet.
>
> strangely enough, this has happened to me (i slammed my hand into the
> corner of a turning board in a swimming lane - liberated a sexy little
> pyramid of skin from the back of one of my finger joints) . it is kind
> of fascinating to watch your blood vessels at work.
I also experienced a fun phenomenon which I thought only existed in the
minds of Hanna-Barbera animators: while my finger was really swollen, I
noticed that if I squeezed it a little it would turn from white to red
with every heartbeat. All that was missing was a bunch of little
( CONTINUED ) 153
squiggles and stars radiating out from it.
orbiting my head.
Oh, and those damn birds
> \\ Thanks to all who sent get-well-soon cards to my finger.
> \\ My finger sends its greetings.
>
> you can join my wounded finger support group now!
Which RFC details the wounded finger protocol?
-- K.
From:
[email protected] (PK Taylor)
Subject:
Re: Nocturnal Kibo
Organization: Sun Microsystems, Inc.
Date: Mon, 12 Sep 1994 15:40:18 GMT
Message-ID:
<[email protected]>
[email protected] (Rich Holmes) writes:
>
> I dreamed about Kibo last night. He was #1 of 3 in a "Will The Real
> Kibo Please Stand Up" event at some sort of big convention. I don't
> think I was on the panel, but I was closer than the audience. I knew
> it was #1 because of his beard, even though neither he nor the other
> two looked at all like the photo in Wired.
> That's it. Sorry. No wacky surrealistic plot,
Isn't that where Picasso's buried?
Or was that a plot with a surrealist in it?
> no things metamorphosing into other things,
Oh.
He's talking about Joan Miro.
> Did you dream about me, Kibo?
Does the phrase "wake up screaming" mean anything to you?
In the future, for maximum comfort, style,
and safety all rolled into one, all
personnel will wear Spandex® bodysuits
over baggy Tyvek® clean-room suits.
KIBO, “Dictum”, 6 December( CONTINUED ) 154
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Re: Kibo...
alt.games.whitewolf, alt.virtual-adepts,
alt.religion.kibology, alt.food.sugar-cereals
Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 261-4700 guest)
Date: Wed, 14 Sep 1994 19:16:22 GMT
Message-ID:
<[email protected]>
Thus spake [email protected] (Weasel Boy):
>
> Cameron Banks ([email protected]) wrote:
> :
> : What I find personally frightening is here's my Storyteller, Brian, being so
> : incredibly fortunate as to have Kibo respond to his message, that he has to
> : post it to all of us here at Kiwi who really have nothing better to do than
> : go "Wow!" lots.
What's worse is I'm in the middle of Silicon Heaven and all
I do is juggle, listen to music, and geek.
I've built up my tolerance too. I can geek for upwards of 8
hours and not blink once. Ever since I got this T1 link
embedded in my brain it's been geek geek geek, all day all
night.
Even my dreams are geeky. Last night I dreamt about downloading
a naughty GIF. Pathetic.
> Let this be a lesson, folks. Never ever write about something more
> surreal than yourself.
For some reason this reminds me of one of Aesop's fables:
Once upon a time, in a galaxy very nearby there lived a
freelance writer Darren P. Mckeeman. The other writers laughed
at him. They all had very expensive lances which they polished
and preened and put bumper stickers on.
Darren P. Mckeeman didn't have any bumper stickers on
his lance. It was free. He might have to return it someday, and
couldn't risk damaging it or leaving gummy bumper sticker stuff
on it.
Three of the writers that knew Darren P. Mckeeman cornered
him in an alley one day and threatened him with their bright shiny
lances.
"My lance is chrome! I shall cut you in two," threatened
the first.
"My lance is titanium! It will cut you like butter,"
opined the second.
"My lance has a ceramic composite core, encased in a depleted
( CONTINUED ) 155
uranium shell with a NASA developed alloy on the edge of one molecule
thickness. It cost a whole lot of money," observed the third.
"My lance is simple, and humble, but I am not afraid.
Attack if you dare." Darren P. Mckeeman narrowed his eyes and
assumed proper fighting posture.
"I shall attack first with my chrome lance," said the
first. He lunged forward, but knew no style. Darren P. Mckeeman
easily deflected it, and ran him through.
"I shall attack second with my titanium lance," said
the second. He knew some style, and managed to bend Darren P.
Mckeeman's sword. Darren P. Mckeeman caught him unaware, and
ran him through as well.
"I shall attack last with my really really quite
expensive lance," said the third. He knew no style at all,
but his lance cut right through Darren P. Mckeeman's lance
and right through Darren P. Mckeeman as well. On the third
attacker’s backswing Darren P. Mckeeman was cut into a third
piece.
"Hmmm...," hummed the third attacker. Now I need
to polish it again. He returned it to its case, but cut
his finger doing so.
Moral: Always bring lots of extra band-aids when swordfighting.
NOTE: All names used are fictional. Any person, living or
dead, I am not talking about. Thank you for your time.
-- L. Yonderboy
Act now! Buy one today!
Newsgroups:
From:
Subject:
Organization:
Date:
alt.paranet.ufo, alt.religion.kibology
Re: What is nothing
Tue, 13 Sep 1994 09:46:59 GMT
In [alt.paranet.ufo], Gary Stollman <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Why is it that California Clowns have access to anything decent...They
> should all be crucified on the spits of their own stupidity...
Being crucified on a spit of stupidity is better than being spit on
stupidly from a crucifix. Or being crucified in a pit of spit, to wit.
I'd really like to be crucified on a spit of someone *else's* stupidity.
It would at least be more of a surprise.
> BE GRATEFUL!
At least you didn't re-incarnate as a tree!!
On Usenet, who can tell?
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 156
6 October, 1994
Kibo sorted 1000 Usenet groups
(by topic) by hand for a book.
“Revelations today include:
alt.lesbian.feminist.poetry
gets more traffic than
alt.feminism.individualism
but less than
alt.feminism or soc.feminism.
MY HEAD HURTS.”
157
Oh, and Mr. Donald Knuth is also
the inventor of the “Knuthrageous!”
candy bar. My penis is five billion
miles long and this is not a troll!
Kibo, 19 October
DO DINOSAURS REALLY FLICKER
WHEN THEY MOVE, LIKE ON
LAND OF THE LOST ?
KIBO, late November
I truly, truly truly hope this post is a joke,
however I will answer it any way.
An unknown bozo responds, late November
You see, you have fallen into
the stinky pit of your own
misunderstanding.
TJames Madison, 30 October
( CONTINUED ) 158
rec.arts.tv, alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.tv-nation
Tonight's "TV Nation": wow!
Tue, 20 Sep 1994 08:55:23 GMT
<[email protected]>
I'm lucky to be in one of those few areas in the country where the
"backup" NBC affiliate (that is, the one that shows the stuff the "real"
NBC station doesn't want) is still showing "TV Nation" after it's
vanished. I just finished watching my tape of tonight's episode, and it
was the funniest one yet!
The segment where Michael Moore walked up to William Shatner at a Star
Trek convention, grabbed his hair, and ran... was something I've always
dreamed of doing, myself. And the part where Louis Theroux interviewed
James Randi while he was lying in the center of a giant cube of Jell-O
was one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. The part where that guy
logged on to the Internet and "trolled" several newsgroups wasn't that
great, but the show overall was wonderful.
Hats off to the makers of TV Nation!
-- K.
From:
Newsgroups:
Subject:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Denise Perry)
Re: Tonight's "TV Nation": wow!
WILL AM/FM/TV, PBS, University of Illinois
Tue, 20 Sep 1994 14:32:34 GMT
<[email protected]>
TV nation is unique in being the only comedy show to show
Jack Ruby shooting Lee Harvey Oswald in its title sequence.
THAT’S sick, so stop complaing about my fiction!
From:
Newsgroups:
Subject:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:
>
> [...]
> The segment where Michael Moore walked up to William Shatner at a Star
> Trek convention, grabbed his hair, and ran... was something I've always
> dreamed of doing, myself. And the part where Louis Theroux interviewed
> James Randi while he was lying in the center of a giant cube of Jell-O
> was one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. The part where that guy
> logged on to the Internet and "trolled" several newsgroups wasn't that
> great, but the show overall was wonderful.
Please tell me you're pulling my leg. I didn't see this one and if you are
pulling my leg, you should send these ideas to Moore. I want to see them!
Denise Perry
Internet: [email protected]
Phone: (217) 333-0850
WILL Radio
810 S. Wright St. Rm 228
Urbana, IL 61801
"Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did; she just did it
backward and in high heels."
( CONTINUED ) 159
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Jeff Uphoff)
Re: Tonight's "TV Nation": wow!
National Radio Astronomy Observatory
Tue, 20 Sep 1994 21:33:29 GMT
<[email protected]>
John F Carr ([email protected]) wrote:
>
> Anything crossposted to alt.religion.kibology is likely to be a lie
> (Kibo is their god, so his name on an article should also be a warning).
I wouldn't exactly say that Kibo is our "god" (I'm not really a regular
here, though I've been lurking on-and-off in various newsgroups for
years), but he certainly displays more of a sense of wit, irony, and
humor than most people I've read on Usenet. (No, I've never met him,
nor have I even exchanged e-mail with him...I just enjoy his and others'
constant proofs of the gullibility and naivete of the human creature.)
I, much like you, consider the name Kibo on an article to be a warning.
A warning that something wicked(ly funny) this way comes. A warning
that not everyone will like it, and that some will whine, carp, rant,
babble, and generally try to make enough noise to cover up the fact that
they have been shown lacking a nervous system in their lower extremities
that would signal their brains that their leg has been given a tug.
>
>
>
>
The people there like to post lies to other newsgroups so they can
laugh at people who believe them. When the infection spreads to a
newsgroup I read I add the following to my trn KILL file (it might
also work with rn):
"Lie," IMHO, is a term that denotes a deliberate, and serious intent to
actually deceive. Do you honestly think that Kibo is attempting to make
the world believe that these episodes took place? Or that Jimmy Stewart
played Captain Picard (another very recent thread)?
Let's just say that it's entertaining to watch people viciously rail
against innocuous attempts at ironic or absurd humor (through
misinformation) on Usenet. The very same people (quite often) that
think nothing of spending hours in front of a television every evening
while everyone from Proctor & Gamble to General Motors spends 15 minutes
per hour lying to them, and the networks take up the slack for the other
45 minutes (the other 55 minutes in the case of politically-oriented
programming).
While a large segment of the population considers the
lowest-common-denominator humor of the Rosannes of the world (brewed,
bottled, and distributed by drones whose _only_ interest is keeping you
glued to the set so that you'll watch the next beer/razor-blade/cereal
commercial) to be funny, many other people prefer "interactive" humor;
( CONTINUED ) 160
humor that they are a part of and can actually participate in as it
unfolds (unpredictably, with no canned laugh tracks).
>
/kibology/HNewsgroups:=j
>
> That means "kill any article crossposted to a newsgroup with "kibology" in
> the name. Unfortunately, trn runs too slowly if this command is put in
> the global KILL file.
Too bad it runs so slowly.
Roseanne.
You might not make it home in time for
--Uppie, who swore years ago that he'd quit writing posts like
this...but just can't.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
"TV Nation" has been beaming new episodes into my brain via laser!
alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.tv-nation
Wed, 28 Sep 1994 06:49:23 GMT
<[email protected]>
Good Lord, they're still airing a new episode every two hours. Will
they never let me sleep? Here's what Michael Moore and his friends have
been telling me about:
"Golden Girl" Bea Arthur gets in over her head exploring whether
skin suffocation is for real!
The USDA searches a pickle factory for the missing finger!
Merrill Markoe tests rejected flavors at the Jell-O(R) factory
("Wet-Look Squid Whip? Mmm!")
Michael Moore travels to Sweden for a corrective penis extender!
Mike overthrows a small Carribean nation--with highly-trained circus elephants!
Doug Henning's vault is cracked!
X-Rays of the rich and famous: you'll never guess who has a skull plate,
just call him the "Two Point Five Billion Dollar Man"!
Paul Harvey in a cream-pie fight with... Goofy?
According to the TV Nation poll of 263 registered voters,
53% of Americans would vote for the Mentos guy only if he were running
against the Zima guy.
( CONTINUED ) 161
We made up a press release announcing that Japan had bought England, and
see what happened in Congress!
Michael Moore goes behind closed doors--inside the Trilateral
Commission's "900" number adult chat line!
TV personality Greg Kinnear tries to sell encyclopedias door to door...
with a gun!
Body Lice: you can find them on anyone, or can you? TV Nation
challenged entomologist Helena Russell to prove it on the set of the
Brady Bunch movie!
No, aliens haven't really landed--Michael Moore shows you can fool anyone
with aluminum foil and a flashlight!
We rigged "Jeopardy!" for a day--will Alex Trebek notice if we let the
chimp win?
Merrill Markoe visits a man who has the world’s largest collection of
barbed wire--embedded in his head!
TV Nation rips the lid off the greatest scandal of our generation: was
Charles Manson the star of "The Monkees"?
Who was smarter, Albert Einstein or Adolf Hitler? At MIT, a
supercomputer simulates the mental match of the century!
Mike: "At the U.S. Patent Office, we’re going to find out if they will
truly let you patent anything. This is our incredible new
invention--the edible toilet."
-- K.
I deny making up the last one.
By the way, Mr. Warhol,
have you ever heard of
Chinese Pez Torture?
Kibo, 27 October
( CONTINUED ) 162
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Keywords:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Fred Francis)
Re: Proposal: *rmgroup* alt.tv.tv-nation
alt.tv.tv-nation, alt.config, alt.religion.kibology
TV Nation gone gone gone
SMU - School of Engineering and Applied Science
Fri, 28 Oct 1994 18:34:30 GMT
<[email protected]>
>
> In alt.tv.tv-nation, Spatch <[email protected]> wrote:
> >
> > Fred Francis <[email protected]> wrote:
> > >
> > > Doesn't anyone have any videotapes of the lost episodes that Kibo has been
> > > seeing? Who provides his cable service anyway?
> >
> > That steel plate inside his head. 'Nam. Don't ask him about it because
> > he'll either vehemently deny it or enthusiastically agree with me, and
> > at this hour of the morning I don't know which is worse.
>
> WHAT ARE YOU, ON CRACK? YOU MUST HAVE A PLATE IN YOUR HEAD!!!
> I DO NOT HAVE A PLATE IN MY HEAD I AM PERFECTLY NORMAL!!!
> (screaming) I'M JUST LIIIIIIKE YOUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!
>
> Did you see tonight's episode, where Harlan Ellison confronted William
> Shatner and demand that he write a complete sentence by himself on camera?
> I also liked the part where Merrill Markoe toured the new SeaQuest DSV
> ride at Universal Studios and spat on the dolphin.
>
>
-- K.
Wasn't Moore going to have that feature on "Kibo at the Star Trek Con"
sometime soon? You've just got to record that for me. Plus he was going
to show the segment where they convinced Dan Quayle to drive around to
different wholesale markets and buy massive amounts of powdered baby
formula. Instant conspiracy!
Wotta riot!
--el phred
What Neptune exodus thing? Are we building
a superconducting highway to Neptune like
Archimedes Plutonium proposed?
KIBO, late December
( CONTINUED ) 163
BEWARE!
There is a
SCARY
MONSTER
on the next page!
SCARY
MONSTER AT
THE END OF
THIS BOOK!
human
heart!!
Miss Mexene, The Chili Queen is not a
tenth as psychologically damaging as the
SCARIEST MONSTER
OF ALL AT THE END
OF THIS BOOK!
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Tim)
Re: This is an acceptable topic, approved
alt.net.personalities, alt.religion.kibology
Midnight Foundation
Tue, 13 Sep 1994 13:59:29 +0000
<[email protected]>
[email protected] "Colin Smith" writes:
>
> [email protected] (Weasel Boy) writes:
> >
> > I would like to point out, at this point, that we are all
> > net.personalities.
Umm, OK, in the same way that everyone is special...
Shall we say, then, that some net.personalities are more so than the rest?
This, of course, leads me to postulate the existance of net.personalitrons,
sub-atomic particles that are attracted to people in varying quantities,
according to Usenet posting habits. The real net.legends are obviously
very strong net.personalitron attractors (snats). This may well mean that
close contact with a snat would leech net.personalitrons from the body,
reducing the net.status of the victim by terms of comparison.
Certain sites - such as AOL - obviously emit antinet.personalitrons,
thus contaminating their users with net.worthlessness.
This also explains why newbies are such assholes... they haven't had a
chance to accumulate net.personalitrons, which are, of course, transmitted
inside news messages, not through the atmoshpere.
In fact, the more newsgroups that are dedicated to you, the more
net.personalitrons that you can draw from the net, because of the amount
of energy being pumped into reading the group, which would automatically
increase your net.personalitron attractivity - your NPA.
As net.personalitrons are obviously self-attractive, the level of
net.personality for any given user at any given time could be
summarised as:
NP1 = NP0(T*Gp*PD) - dSNAT
-------------------SCF
Where T
=
Gp
=
PD
=
dSNAT=
SCF =
Time since arriving on net, in days
Groups dedicated to self
Usenet posting density (posts/hour)
differential of physical distance from snat by time exposed
Site Contamination Factor - the amount of antinet.personalitrons
emitted by the site used
( CONTINUED ) 166
NP0 and NP1 are of course original and new levels of net.personalitrons in the
poster.
Let this be a lesson to you - KEEP THE FUCK AWAY FROM KIBO!!
> > It's like Zen, but I can't explain that either.
>
> STUDENT: "Master, what is the meaning of life?"
> MASTER:
"A hessian bag full of wheat stalks." <WHACK!>
At which point the student smiles slyly, and the master suddenly realises
to his horror that he has failed a vital test from a boddisatva...
Tim. Warning Team - net.personalitron disruption occurring..
-"A magician walked along the shore, & the water was making her toes all wrinkly"
[email protected] *** Insanity en Croute - try it with a side of bacon!
Monsters... we're Heavy and we're Hungry! Monsters... we're Coming Your Way!
* * * * Section Head European Operations -- Wednesday's Coterie of Thugs * * * *
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: This is an acceptable topic, approved
alt.net.personalities, alt.religion.kibology, alt.folklore.urban
Thu, 15 Sep 1994 06:36:10 GMT
<[email protected]>
jack <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Tim wrote:
> <much confusing scientific-type stuff deleted>
> : Let this be a lesson to you - KEEP THE FUCK AWAY FROM KIBO!!
>
> ah, a nugget of wisdom.
That reminds me of one time when I walked up to Majel Barrett at a
Space:1999 convention and asked "What would you say to a little fuck?"
and she said, "Hello, little fuck."
I didn't get it because I'm still a foot taller than she was when she
was alive.
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 167
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Message-ID:
Organization:
Date:
"EINSTEIN'S WAR STORY" (fiction, new)
alt.religion.kibology, rec.arts.prose
<[email protected]>
Thu, 15 Sep 1994 08:35:43 GMT
DURHEY!
I will make no apologies for this stupid story if you promise to
tell me what you didn't like about it, okay?
-- K.
EINSTEIN'S WAR STORY
by James "Kibo" Parry
(C) 1994
Einstein was working in a supermarket. He hated the job, as his boss
was a real dictator.
"Einstein!" screamed the manager, Adolf Hitler. "Get your fat
ass over here!"
Einstein dropped the toilet plunger and ran out of the back room
to where Hitler was pointing down the vegetable aisle. Hitler's eyes
glowed red as he bellowed, "Einstein! Check the expiration dates on
all the canned corn, take the ones that have expired, shake them up
good, and relabel them `creamed corn'! Mach schnell!"
"Ja, boss," sighed the great scientist, picking up a can of
Brown-Shirted Giant corn in his left hand and a can of Das Monte corn
in the other. Hitler marched away to see if the deli manager had
combed the weinkraut straight.
Why me? thought Einstein. Before the war, I was just
twiddling my thumbs like a happy person, and now look--I'm stuck here
on Aisle Four of the local Aryanway. What a rip-off!
Just then, his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a
malfunctioning V-2 exploding just over the market. Why is it that
when a movie's good they call it a "blockbuster" but when a movie's
bad they call it a "bomb" even thought a blockbuster is just a bomb?
And if a V-2 hit my house exactly halfway up, would you say the house
was burning up or burning down? His eyes drifted down the label of
the Brown-Shirted Giant Tender Corn Youthlets.
Ingredients: Water, Partially Defatted Fatty Corn Meal, Dioctyl
Sodium Sulfosuccinate, Polyquaternium-15, Carageenan...
He was reading the word "Potassium" when another V-2 exploded.
BOOM! The thought struck him as debris rained down on the market's
leaky roof. "Ach! Of course! Eureka! It is so simple!"
Because potassium's chemical symbol was "K", all scientists were
required to refer to it as "kalium", and so if potassium-K were added
to the warheads of the V-2s... instead of going "BOOM", they'd go
"KA-BOOM!" Not only was this a more hip form of onomatopoeia (as
evidenced by its use in comic books along with other "now"
expressions like "ZOWIE" and "THWIPPP") but Einstein, a former sitcom
( CONTINUED ) 168
writer, knew that words containing a "K" sound were inherently funny
(kooky, kumquat, Kukamonga, korinthenkacker...) He would tell his
bright new idea to Mr. Hitler and maybe he'd get promoted to
assistant bag boy second class!
Two weeks later, Einstein was now first assistant bag boy
second class, and Hitler's first V-3 missile with the new and
improved formula--NOW WITH EXTRA POTASSIUM--was ready for a test
launch. The dictator frowned with glee as he pushed the launch
button, which was cleverly disguised as that non-functional "Ring For
Assistance" red button over every meat counter in the world.
As usual, the rocket exploded in mid-air. KA-POW!!!! A piece of
flaming tail fin crashed through the roof with a K-KRASH and
KER-PLUNKED itself onto the floor, as the shock knocked over the
bakery counter, making all the pies go KA-SPLAT. One hit Hitler in
the face. He burst into tears as everyone laughed. World War II was ruined!
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Three Word Story Game (9/4/94)
rec.arts.prose, alt.religion.kibology
Fri, 16 Sep 1994 06:50:40 GMT
<[email protected]>
In rec.arts.prose, Sean Lambert <[email protected]> wrote:
> --> The words are: forum, porthole, concede.
> --Poor Spot! He was forced to concede that his life was a cliché, as was
evidenced by the fact that it was involving phrases like "forced to
concede" and "as evidenced by the fact that". His life has turned into
a chunk of prolix prose, and worse, it has begun to alliterate in a
seriously setentious yet stupidly sisspelled way. Spot cried as his
train of thought spelled "Spot" with a "Z", reminding him that he could
no longer afford his favorite beverage, Zima. You zee, Spot was homeless.
As Spot cried, the tears prevented him from watching where he
was going, and he fell into a pothole. "Waah!" whined Spot, "I've
fallen, and I can't--" He stopped himself before finishing the
catchphrase. After all, he was worried that someday it might get beaten
to death.
The pothole was very deep, and Spot couldn't find a way out.
There was a trapdoor in the bottom, labelled THIS WAY OUT, but Spot knew
it had to be hallucinatory because whoever heard of a dog finding a
trapdoor in a pothole? He yapped and yapped for help, but none ever
came. Spot shrivelled up into a tiny thing like a raisin's skin
stretched over a walnut's nucleus, only with a wet nose.
Six decades later, the preserved body of Spot was found by alien
archaeologists excavating the ruins of Earth after the pan-galactic war.
( CONTINUED ) 169
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Because Kibo is capable of writing a story anywhere, any time,
about any subject, this proves he is as talented as Harlan Ellison.
By now you may have noticed that Kibo likes to try to smear
Harlan’s good name. This is because Harlan is a highly unstable
substance, which would explode like Genghis Khan if provoked!
"What's this?" said Senobmort 77, a child genius at the tender age of
680 Earth years. "Looks like either a very dessicated puppy, or else a
fragment of industrial slag!"
Nietsnie 381 fetched a pet care unit from the saucer, and the
two aliens gently dropped Spot into the funnel on top. The machine
whirred and vibrated as it rinsed and rehydrated Spot, depositing him in
a small plastic box in its base where he could be tended to with a
minimum of any sort of contact. In fact, none at all. Spot was
hermetically sealed!
He looked around and saw that he had a water dispenser and a
little pantry filled with TV dinners for dogs and a matching TV, and even
a little park to--you know--in. Well, it may have been captivity, but
Spot didn't care! Even after being rehydrated, his brain was still the
size of a pea, as ever, so he was quite content with his pocket
paradise. He switched on the TV with the tiny remote control.
A slimy green blob appeared on the screen. "Greeting, Spot."
It oozed down the screen, dripping on the floor. "I am the leader of
these people. You may call me Ray 221, or you may call me Jay 221, or
you may call me Ray Jay, or you may call me Mr. 221, or you may--"
Spot screamed in agony and smashed the TV screen by throwing the
remote. Just his luck to be trapped in a cage with no form of
entertainment except an alien TV that only showed unfunny comedians from
the seventies! Tears flowed down Spot's face for the second time this
century.
Spot was doomed to lead a boring existence in the comfy little
paradise. Never again would he fall or even get up. And never
again--ever--would he feel that stange compulsion which had haunted him
since the beginning of this story, the compulsion to randomly shout the
word "FORUM!!!!!!!!!"
-- K.
Yes, I made it up as I went
along, so sue me.
Re: Gehennavision Part Two
alt.games.whitewolf, alt.religion.kibology
Thu, 22 Sep 1994 06:09:49 GMT
<[email protected]>
Jason D Corley <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry <[email protected]> wrote:
> >
> > How could something *not* belong in alt.religion.kibology?
> > You haven't read the nonexistent charter, have you?
>
> They drew their swords and shot each other.
>
> ("Okay, you're playing the deaf cop, roll to see if you hear it.")
( CONTINUED ) 170
That's close to the way Kibologists play role-playing games--they get
confused easily: "Your character, with a strength of 7, is too weak to
lift the ten-sided die but can manage a d6. Also, you are half an inch
tall and made of a miraculous pewter-like substance which contains no lead,
and your feet are molded to this handy base that you have to drag around..."
-- K.
I only play "D&D Junior", the
game with one-sided dice.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Kibo video game?
alt.religion.kibology, alt.super.nes, alt.binaries.pictures.erotica
Zen Arcade
Sat, 24 Sep 1994 02:42:12 GMT
<[email protected]>
&&&&
&&&&
>
> Andrew M. Hoerter <[email protected]> wrote:
> >
> >
Has a Kibo video game been produced?
>
> I'd be happy to license the necessary properties to anyone who would
> like to develop one for Sega, SNES, Lynx, Jaguar, Intellivision, Vectrex, or
> Odyssey. However, it has to come with a better controller to replace
> those damn "+"-shaped ones; namely, a "&"-shaped one.
We're working on one: The Ampersandle. You wear it on your foot and it
comes with a three-dimensional sock, for enhanced balance. The deluxe
model, the Argyle Ampersandle, will only be available in Canada.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
My favorite cable-TV channel!
Wed, 28 Sep 1994 05:51:37 GMT
<[email protected]>
NSA selecTV
It's interactive-even when the TV's not on!
Although I hear that next season they're renaming it "infoQuest NSA" and
adding Roy Scheider to the cast in a dolphin suit that really floats.
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 171
4 October, 1994
Devout alt.religion.kibology readers
become the proud parents of
Antonia Rose Kristina Caskey
(A.R.K. Caskey) in New Zealand
172
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
EPIC!!
19 Nov 1994 02:03:18 GMT
<[email protected]>
GROGAN'S GUN
An Epic of the All-Too-Near Future!!
By Matt F. McIrvin and Matthew Clayton McIrvin
DEDICATION
To all our imaginary friends, this novel is dedicated:
To
To
To
To
To
To
To
To
To
To
To
To
To
The Captive Planet
The Eye of Argon
Cinemagic
Reptilicus and the Time Travelers
Terror on Planet Ionus
Buck Alice and the Actor Robot
Criswell
The Alien Oro
Zontar (with love)
Bat Durston
The Most Dangerous Game
Allen Smithee and Cordwainer Bird
The Thing That Couldn't Die, The Brain That Wouldn't Die, and The
Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up
Zombies
To The Green Slime
To The Night Of The Ghouls
To Phase IV
To The Eye Creatures
BACKSTORY
By 1975, after the Collapse, the War, the Rebuilding, the Flan, and
the Compote, 62 percent of the population was required by law to
commit murder once a day for "health reasons."
By 1981, 80 percent.
By 1983, 99 percent.
By 1994... *the last straw*.
(CONTINUED)
173
FIVE
He looked.
And saw.
THE GUN!
It was pointed at him.
THE GUN!
He had to.
Run from.
THE GUN!
Which was pointed at him.
And was shiny.
THE GUN!
Grogan fired.
The man slumped, spat flames from his bullet wound, exploded. Grogan
looked at the cylinder of his Gun and saw that of the six bullets-the Marshmallow, the Harmless Popping Noise, the Confetti, the Other
Confetti, the Instant Homing Deadly Exploder, and the Toilet Paper-only the fifth chamber was now empty.
He withdrew a new Instant Homing Deadly Exploder from the ammunition
belt hanging vertically from the other ammunition belt that went
diagonally between the ammunition belt that went over his right
shoulder and the ammunition belt over his left, and reloaded the Gun.
Another Non-Killer had been destroyed, someone who dared disobey the
law that everyone must kill somebody once every hour--or risk a fight
to the death!
He looked approvingly at his Gun. Guns like this one had once been
the terror of towns with names like Zarzon 46, Vetrox, and Q635XE,
back in the lawless days of the 21st century, when people had to
commit murder every five minutes and dance on the victim's twitching
body. The pistol's barrel was a full two feet long, and two inches
wide, so that the Marshmallow could emerge unimpeded. It was made of
blue steel and dripped with oil harvested from seaweed in the cities
of the Pacific. Its handle was inlaid with human skin.
Grogan decided to drop all his ammunition, so as not to attract
attention. He had only what was in his Gun.
(CONTINUED) 174
FOUR
Moving.
Under the neon.
Toward.
A place free from.
THE GUN!
Only to find that.
THE GUN!
THE GUN!
Destroys all sentence.
Structure.
Must kill Grogan.
THE GUN!
Above him, the lights of the city gleamed.
Suddenly Grogan had a thought.
Maybe it might not be a good thing to kill people! He banished the
thought from his mind. Everyone knew that murder was good. It was
the basis of his hypnopaedic sex-instruction in his apartment in the
vast Fun Complex lined with glittering aluminum foil.
But what of the rumors of a place where nobody killed anybody? The
place called Refuge? Some people said it didn't exist; most of the
stories about it were told by senile teenagers. The mythical paradise
where people were only killed once they reached the ancient age of 21,
their implanted palm-bulbs went dim, and they were harmlessly
euthanized by the Zero Population Authority! It sounded like
heaven... except that there was no hourly murder! And what would it
be like to be as old as 21?
Grogan himself was eleven.
He decided the place had to be destroyed. He would find it! He would
be a hero, the man who finally destroyed the only place slightly
better than the benevolent hell the entire world had become! He went
down to Second Level and hailed, by pushbutton, a sleek, pneumatic
CorpseCar. The streamlined coffin opened and he got inside. Suddenly
he saw that the CorpseCar's Lottomatic had been activated--that jar of
air-blown ping-pong balls that determined if the rider lived or died.
He quickly fired a Harmless Popping Noise at the jar, and it shattered
before the DEATH ball could enter the pneumatic receptacle.
A young woman clad in spandex longjohns got into the CorpseCar with
him. "Mind if I share your CorpseCar?" she said. "I'm Sally 5,
official clone organism." She pointed to the letters OCO stamped
across her ample chest. The door of the CorpseCar closed, and Grogan
sent it toward the mysterious Refuge by pushing the button marked
REFUGE.
Unbeknownst to Grogan and Sally 5, a tiny crustacean had eaten part of
the button, removing the embossed word NOT.
( CONTINUED ) 175
THREE
But remember.
The main reason.
You shop Spag's.
Is that.
You save money!
THE GUN!
The CorpseCar filled with water, which instantly froze!
Grogan and Sally 5 had arrived in Iceville!
Iceville!
The city constructed in the ocean beneath the frozen North Pole!
Originally intended as a meat-packing plant, the acronym Iceville
stood for International Seaborne Experimental Meat-Packing Plant.
None of science and society's best planners had realized its one fatal
flaw: that it was hard to get meat at the North Pole! Thirty thousand
inhabitants had died of unemployment in the 1990s. Grogan and Sally 5
could vaguely see a frozen banner reading WELCOME TO ICEVILLE encased
in the solid ice that immobilized them completely.
Grogan fired a Confetti, which lowered the melting point of the ice
below his body temperature, so he and Sally 5 could get out of the
CorpseCar easily. Through the freezing water they swam, tendrils of
ice boring into their skin, bringing screaming hell to their sensory
nerves. When they emerged from the surface ice, they found themselves
surrounded by monstrous shapes. They were all fighting... to the
death! Some whacked others with vacuum-cleaner hoses; some poked at
each others' eyes with paper clips; some brained each other with clubs
made of purest diamond!
"This is Iceville Over," said a huge, fur-clad man to him, "where we
have to fight to the death at all times! We are forbidden to merely
kill the defenseless as they do in civilized areas!" He slapped a
glove across Grogan's face. "You cannot defeat me," said the man. "I
am Voxeb, part man and part machine! I am deranged and immortal! For
failing to kill ten thousand schoolchildren, I was sent here and
sentenced never to die! I consider myself an artist. I braid human
intestines into attractive garnishes for dinner or buffet! What will
it be?" he said. "Guns, clubs, swords, or enormous blocks of ice
sliding down greased ramps?"
"Cunning wiles!!" screamed Grogan and fired the Other Confetti in the
huge man's face. Blinded, Voxeb thought himself to be trapped in
polar whiteout and decided to lose all sense of the local vertical.
(CONTINUED) 176
Arms and legs flailing, he stumbled and began to spit fat sparks! His
logic circuits destroyed by the absurdity of his situation, Voxeb's
ears belched smoke and his head flew off, propelled by a cylindrical
actuator.
Grogan and Sally 5 grabbed the nearest emergency escape copter and
headed for Robotland!
TWO
Chasing.
After Grogan and Sally.
THE GUN!
I must kill them.
THE GUN!
Unless I'm really a good guy in disguise.
Maybe even then.
THE GUN!
Don't guess the ending.
"Where are we?" asked Sally 5.
"Robotland," said Grogan. The copter landed them in the midst of a
vast grassy hillside, covered with men with faces of metal, all
dressed like Abraham Lincoln. They stroked their whiskers and
delivered the Gettysburg Address as they tottered about creakingly.
They went in and out of enormous, crumbling statues of Abraham
Lincoln, which dotted the land.
"There is a particular robot here," said Grogan, "one known as Abraham
Lincoln. He lives in an enormous statue of Abraham Lincoln. He is
said to know where Refuge is."
Several Abraham Lincolns danced in a circle around them, singing:
We eat humans!
Grind up humans!
Burrito! Burrito!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
To buy time, Grogan distracted them by firing the Marshmallow.
"I think that's the one," said Sally 5. She pointed to an enormous
statue of Abraham Lincoln. From a crack in its side poured ghostly,
greenish light. "Isn't that the supercomputer that controls the
rotation of the earth?"
They squeezed through the crack. Good thing I don't have my
ammunition belts on, thought Grogan. I'd never be able to get
through.
(CONTINUED) 177
The interior of the statue shone with the strange light. It came from
a vast array of blinking lights that covered the consoles that filled
the cavernous room. The scale was so large as to defy comprehension.
Storm clouds collected near the ceiling, and small moons orbited
above. An Abraham Lincoln robot strode up to them.
"I must kill you, Grogan and Sally 5," it said.
"Really?" asked Sally 5.
"No," it said. "I had to say that to deceive the computer that
inhabits this hall. Only people who do not wish to kill the two of
you are real to it. Robots, and people who wish to kill you, pose no
danger to it, so to the computer they do not exist. So all of us
disguise ourselves as robots, when actually we are perfectly human.
And I professed a desire to kill you so the computer would not
recognize me as human when I removed my robot disguise." The robot
removed its silver, whiskered face, and revealed itself to be Grogan's
best buddy, Brad!
"Brad?" said Grogan.
"Yes," said Brad. "It was I who lured you here, and I who must now
use you to destroy the computer."
"Why us?" asked Sally 5.
"Because to you, the computer does not exist!"
"It doesn't?" said Grogan. "Then this won't cause any harm to the
earth's rotation." Grogan fired the Toilet Paper into the open,
wiring-encrusted door of a dead-looking console.
Suddenly the earth stopped rotating!
ONE
No more rotation.
No more gravity.
Flying into space.
THE GUN!
Grogan and Sally 5 were flung into space.
Now they were free!
And the adventure that lies in all our hearts had just begun.
-Matt
McIrvin
THE BEGINNING?
01234567
^
<--
Indent-o-Meter
Harnessing tab damage for peaceful
ends!
( CONTINUED
)
178
Is that anything like a
singing mammogram?
Andrew Bulhak, 27 July
Mickey Rooney was
“Master Sergeant Yancy Skibo”
in “Operation Mad Ball”.
factoid
Kurt Vonnegut gets
launched on a rocket to
HELL!!!!!!
Matt McIrvin, 9 December
( CONTINUED ) 179
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Charlotte NC
Wed, 28 Sep 1994 06:00:10 GMT
<[email protected]>
Woody Cooper <[email protected]> wrote:
>
____________________________________________
>
/
\
>
,=="
|
>
/
\
>
_=~~~
|
>
__/
}
>
/
Charlotte
/
> _/
_____
/
_='
> <_______=~
~~===___________(*)
_/
>
\____________
_=~
>
~=_
/
>
~=_
/
>
~=~`
Oops, you left something out.
Let me fix it:
____________________________________________
/
\
\
,=="
\
|
/
B A P
\
G E O N
\
_=~~~
\
|
__/
\
}
/
Charlotte
/
_/
_____
/
\
_='
<_______=~
~~===___________(*)
\
_/
\________\___
_=~
~=_
/
~=_
/
~=~`
Okay, I know that BAP is "British Auto Parts", but what DOES the other
half of "BAP-GEON" stand for? And why is Florida bigger than Texas on
the map of the twin nations of BAP and GEON?
People from the West Coast have no clue what I'm talking about here.
-- K.
Today ’s Meaningful Word: “skeeter-proof ”
[...] coulda said “flocculate”, too
KIBO, late December
( CONTINUED ) 180
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: LOONIES AND CRACKPOTS OF SCIENCE
sci.astro, alt.religion.kibology
Wed, 28 Sep 1994 10:06:56 GMT
<[email protected]>
>
> Abian answers:
>
Loonies, cranks and crackpots of science
>
>
1. Alexander Abian
>
2. Albert Einstein
>
3. Isaac Newton
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
Charles Nelson Reilly
Moe Howard
Pee-wee Herman
Kibo
Lyndon LaRouche
Mr. Potato Head
Daffy Duck
Fred Silverman
Madonna
There, Dr. Abian, I've completed your list of the world's ten biggest bozos.
All you have to do is take off the two geniuses and it'll be PERFECT.
-- K.
Newsgroups:
From:
Subject:
Message-ID:
Organization:
Date:
sci.astro, alt.religion.kibology, sci.physics, sci.math
Re: crancks & loonies
<[email protected]>
Wed, 28 Sep 1994 10:14:31 GMT
>
>
List of crackpot theories:
>
>
Alexander Abian : Equivalence of Time and Mass
1/T + 1/log M = 1
>
>
Albert Einstein:
Equivalence of Energy and Mass
e = mcc
>
>
Isaac Newton:
Equivalence of Force and the derivative of
>
Momentum w.r.t. time
f = d mv/dt
>TIME-SPACE HAS INERTIA. EQUIVALENCE OF TIME-SPACE AND MASS1/T+1/log M =1(ABIAN)
> ALTER EARTH'S ORBIT AND TILT - STOP EPIDEMICS OF CANCER, CHOLERA, AIDS, ETC.
>
VENUS MUST BE GIVEN A NEAR EARTH-LIKE ORBIT TO BECOME A BORN AGAIN EARTH
( CONTINUED ) 181
Let's all play!
Mr. Potato Head:
Eyes and Nose are Interchangeable
Daffy Duck:
Silence is Foo!
Lyndon LaRouche:
Equivalence of KGB and NBC and CIA and EEC
The Incredible Hulk: Equivalence of Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno
Ronald McDonald:
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Equivalence of Happy Meal and nutrition
(disproved)
-- K.
RALPH BAKSHI'S new masterpiece: COOL WIZARDSKIN TRAFFIC THE CAT
alt.religion.kibology, alt.fan.mike-jittlov
Tue, 4 Oct 1994 11:36:59 GMT
<[email protected]>
Scene 1. A nicely-drawn still picture. Hold for five minutes.
Scene 2. Fifty exact copies of Garfield jump up and down constantly, on twos,
for five minutes. Then they all piss into the camera.
Scene 3. We can't see what it is because they photographed the underside
of the animation table by mistake for five minutes.
Scene 4. Stock footage of Adolf Hitler with a wacky mustache rotoscoped
on him, for five minutes.
Scene 5. Polarized light shines on cellophane for five minutes while
funny noises are heard at deafening volume.
Scene 6. Same as scene 1, only longer.
Scene 7. Ralph Bakshi shoves the camera up his ass and dances around singing
"La la la, la la la, la la la, la la la..." for an hour.
Can you tell I just saw "Cool World" and "Wizards" the same week?
I’ve never been able to figure out why Daffy Duck held up a “Silence Is Foo!” sign
once in the forties. I only assume it was one of those wartime things. We must prevent
future wars to prevent more old cartoons from cluttering up the Bugs Bunny show!
What fun!
-- K.
and I wanna hurt the guy responsible.
Mike, plz promise me that you'll never
use WWII stock in an animated film!
Somehow I have the feeling that Mike Jittlov probably likes Ralph Bakshi
about as much as I do. Heck, Mike thought “Star Wars” was too violent, so I
can only imagine what he thinks of cartoons with old film of Hitler in them…
( CONTINUED ) 182
[email protected] (Chuck Dedman)
Re: Trollee
alt.freemasonry, alt.religion.kibology, alt.masonic.members
International Internet Association.
2 Oct 1994 02:47:15 GMT
<[email protected]>
:
: Joseph Bay <[email protected]> wrote:
: >
: > Hmm...
: >
: > Include made up, bogus references in your trolls. People are more
: > likely to say "oh, it's referenced, and therefore true" than to
: > bother looking it up.
:
: Personally, I think trolling in general is a stupid thing, and I wish
: everyone would stop it, particularly in the Masonic groups which I read
: regularly. As a 37th degree Mason, I think I speak honestly when I say
: that other high-level Masons don't give a flying fig about you and your
: "troll"ing.
:
: Oh, and for those of you who think Masonic culture isn't an important
: part of our national heritage, think about this. Buzz Aldrin wore his
: Masonic Apron over his spacesuit when he was the first man on the Moon!!!
:
:
-- K.
Bro. James:
I feel most of your points had some validity, BUT I think if you will
check a little closer, you will find Buzz was the SECOND man on the moon,
by about three hours.
Chuck
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Chuck Dedman)
Re: Trollee
alt.freemasonry, alt.religion.kibology, alt.masonic.members
International Internet Association.
2 Oct 1994 03:01:35 GMT
<[email protected]>
You see, there is no better way to troll than to hold up a huge neon sign saying “THIS
IS A TROLL” before saying “I heard that Gene Roddenberry was Kaiser of Nazi
Germany in the year 1776.” By the way, Buzz did wear his Masonic Apron (they look
like diapers) under his spacesuit on the moon – you can see it in some museum.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
:
: regularly. As a 37th degree Mason, I think I speak honestly when I say
By the way--What order of Free Masonry do you belong to that has 37 degrees??
Chuck
( CONTINUED ) 183
ZOINKS!
There is a
SCARY
MONSTER
on the next page!
SCARY
MONSTER AT
THE END OF
THIS BOOK!
The “Talbots Kids” mannequins can see right
through you with their eight eyes, but the
SCARIEST MONSTER
OF ALL is AT THE
END OF THIS BOOK!
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Jesus' Real Birthday
Wed, 19 Oct 1994 09:37:46 GMT
<[email protected]>
Found on alt.atheism and several other groups, reposted without comment
except to say that the author has also posted two amateurish science
fiction stories he wrote in high school with help from God. ("Uni" and
"Soul Crystal".)
-- K.
[email protected] (Kevin Pryor) writes:
>
> Since I think I am the reincarnated John the Baptist and seem to have
> memories of when I was John, I will tell you all more about what I
> remember. Jesus' real birthday, interestingly enough, was the 4th of
> July (celebrated here in the US as the birth of our country in 1776,
> Independence Day). When I was John, Zechariah, Elizabeth, and I would
> start the long trip north every year on July 1st to Nazareth to
> celebrate Jesus' birthday. We usually arrived at Jesus' home on July
> 4th. We all would start a large bonfire in the backyard and sacrifice
> and offer to God two turtledoves in thanks for sending Jesus to Earth.
> Our mood and the way the fire would crackle does seem similar to the
> way we celebrate the 4th of July in my country with fireworks. My
> birthday was February 1st when I was John. Jesus' large family would
> make the long journey south each year to celebrate my birthday. My
> birthday now, as Kevin, is January 31st although it would have been
> February 1st if I would have been born in Israel instead of Covina,
> California due to time zone differences. I predict that Jesus will be
> born again on July 4th, 1995 (his 2000th birthday, he was born
> originally in 6 BCE) in the form of a little baby girl that will be
> named Uni.
>
> -> Kevin Pryor | [email protected] | I am the one crying in the wilderness.
Whatever you do,
don’t learn how to pronounce “beable”.
Matt Welsh, 17 July
( CONTINUED ) 186
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Message-ID:
Organization:
Date:
Re: Congratulations Debunkers!
alt.alien.visitors, alt.religion.kibology
<[email protected]>
Wed, 19 Oct 1994 09:43:57 GMT
Steve Frost <[email protected]> wrote:
> [...much truth deleted...] [<-- MOTTO!]
> The entire "Adams Matrix"(tm) was conceived, engineered and implemented by
> the a.a.v. delegate to the Gods, James "Kibo" Parry. Unfortunately, this
> Kibo experiement in virtual cybernetic dogmatic conflict, has gone awry
> and now 'Kibo' won't go anywhere near a.a.v. as he is embarrassed by
> the current status of the Matrix. He finds it unbelievable that none of
> the modules can access their mutual connectivity and are starting to
> function completely independently of each other, apparently unaware of
> their mutual dependence and connectivity.
* I'm pointing out here that Steven Spielberg obviously has never _seen_
a Stella D'Oro Breakfast Treat (and I use the word "Treat" without
snickering, because I know how to lie, being a good politician, what a
Spokesman For Earth should be.) Memo to Steven: they're shaped like the
letter "S", not an ice cream cone. Also, SeaQuest DSV still sucks.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Why I love TV.
alt.religion.kibology, rec.arts.sf.tv
Wed, 26 Oct 1994 06:04:31 GMT
<[email protected]>
So then the SeaQuest sails through a black hole but they know it's not a
black hole because it doesn't exist and cannot be detected even though
it shows up as a bad special effect on their screens and they go through
a time warp 225 years into the future where the world has been destroyed
by giant robots because people used virtual reality too much and never
had sex with each other and Lucas falls in love with the awesome
computer which has green tubes coming out of it into the rest of the
shopping mall with the shrink-wrapped seats and he has to destroy the
computer by pulling the large and flimsily mounted glass rods out of the
front otherwise there will never be a future and that means that there
will also be no past because they're at the end of time because time is
a Moebius strip but then there's a lap-dissolve and they're all back on
board and in the right year. MAN, I LOVE BAD SCIENCE FICTION.
-- K.
Actual plot! I left out some of the stupid details.
The episode had speeches about how the
underwater black hole couldn’t be there
because the mathematical probability of
nothing was zero, etc.
Actually, I have never posted to alt.alien.visitors. If you think
you've seen me there, it's because my scying flaucers tend to abduct
people from that group, whisk them off to peer into another dimension-a dimension not of sight and sound, but of Kibology--and then plonk them
back down in a.a.v to tell the confused locals their story about the
giant glowing orange Stella D'Oro Breakfast Treat that looked like an
ice cream cone.*
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 187
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: A simple request from a true fan...
alt.religion.kibology, rec.arts.sf.tv, alt.folklore.urban
28 Oct 1994 17:35:36 GMT
<[email protected]>
Eli Balin <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry <[email protected]> wrote:
> >
> > ...does anyone have a tape of the SeaQuest DSV episode that Harlan Ellison
> > wrote? I believe it was the one where the sub accidentally goes into
> > outer space. Harlan had a cameo as a wacky Martian name Zeezor.
The sub goes into space because they accumulate all that gas from
rising yeast, and they meet Harlan Ellison on the planet of the Moon
Boggles. I heard he almost died of skin suffocation after they
painted his body gold. His last name was Odo, or maybe Ovo, and he
had a little flying saucer and kept doing that hand gesture out of
"Blake's' 7" and telling Bridger he was anatomically impossible. Also
they got Keir Dullea to play the Amish guy but I didn't understand why
they used all that eggcrate foam. Then he went and wrote "Buck Alice
and the Actor Dolphin."
> This was one of their best episodes.
> went "Bede bede bede" all the time.
I especially liked that robot that
The robot was referring to the Venerable Bede. The Venerable Bede's
saint's day is my birthday, May 27. Does anybody else here have a
birthday on a saint's day, or know anybody who does? Am I the only
person who keeps getting Jeffrey Hunter confused with Gary Lockwood?
Thank you for your UN-altered attention!!!!
-Matt
McIrvin
01234567
^
<--
Indent-o-Meter
Matt and I enjoyed trying to make up new “seaQuest DSV”
plots which were as dumb as the ones they were airing. The
show was actually too stupid for us to do that accurately.
Around the time of this article, Matt was guessing that soon
they’d meet Hitler clones, and I was prediting that the sub
would accidentally get flung into outer space.
A few months after this article, the submarine was
abducted by a UFO and taken to another planet. They also
encountered giant killer plants, “an underwater Supertrain”
(NBC’s own words) and Michael York.
( CONTINUED ) 188
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
MY TV HEROES.
Wed, 26 Oct 1994 07:49:27 GMT
<[email protected]>
1.
Dr. Smith from Lost In Space.
I patterned my life after him.
2.
The killer hippies on Dragnet 1969.
3.
Lt. Barclay on Star Trek: TNG.
4.
Exidor on Mork & Mindy.
5.
Everyone on Pee-wee's Playhouse, except Floory.
-- K.
.K --
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: The Test of True Religion
Wed, 26 Oct 1994 10:10:15 GMT
<[email protected]>
Frank Karlsen <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> [...]
Only a God who is Love by
> Nature could require everyone to love Him and also all their fellow men.
I LOVE YOU ALL
ALL OF YOU
EVERYONE
...except you, FRANK. For this I sentence you to 100,000,000,000,000,000,003
years in purgatory, which resembles a small white windowless doorless
cubicle in which every wall is really a projection TV playing episodes
of "Time Trax" over and over and over and over and over.
-- K.
I'm God, and you're not.
( CONTINUED ) 189
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Proposal to end all AOL-bashing!
alt.religion.kibology, news.misc, alt.config, alt.fan.warlord
Wed, 26 Oct 1994 11:39:43 GMT
<[email protected]>
First Delphi was connected to the Internet, and people started
complaining about Delphi users. Then AOL, and next Prodigy.
This is, of course, insensitive to the dozens of users at those sites
who are not bozos. Therefore, I move we do something to stop all
the people whining about Delphi/AOL/Prodigy users, as well as boosting
the self-esteem of anyone using those services. What I'm suggesting is
that we create a *new* commercial service designed to be even crappier
than those three combined.
I call this idea CrappyNet.
CrappyNet has an entirely graphical interface: text is, quite naturally,
represented by a series of little icons, one for each word (these
"rebusymbols"(TM) are fetched from a large dictionary stored on one of
the six CrappyNet CD-ROMs that will ship with every new computer.)
The CrappyNet-to-Usenet gateway would be specifically designed to
introduce misspellings, change everything to capitals, cross-post to the
wrong newsgroups, repeat the same posting fifty times per second, and
generally introduce a "destructosurprise"(TM) element into Usenet at large.
We would need merely to find five or six suckers to use this service
(and anyone stupid enough to use it would be willing to pay our $500/hr
charges with which we will fund this grand venture.) Just as people
largely stopped complaining about Delphi when AOL appeared, and as
people will quiet down about AOL once Prodigy becomes prominent, people
will shift to picking on our five or six CrappyNet users once the
service develops a reputation--which should take about five hours of
heavy use.
To secure these five or six key users, we will simply advertise in
technical journals such as "Mondo 2000", "Omni", "Wired", and "Cracked".
I admit it,
I was wrong
until mid-’97,
when WebTV
users came
along.
-- K.
CrappyNet is a joint venture of
John Palmer and BIFF. CrappyNet software
may not be exported to countries which
are our friends, but is being given
free to Cuba.
( CONTINUED ) 190
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Proposal: alt.women.floor.gas
alt.config, alt.usenet.kooks, alt.religion.kibology
Thu, 27 Oct 1994 09:51:31 GMT
<[email protected]>
L. Futplex McCarthy <[email protected]> wrote:
> [re "accelerator boy"'s women-flooring-the-gas-pedal fetish]
> What would you call this, anyway ? Auto-erotic acceleration ?
Pedalphilia.
(The Radio City Music Hall Rockettes come dancing across your computer
screen holding up giant inflatable letters which spell out "THAT WAS A
REALLY WONDERFUL PUN I JUST MADE UP" while John Williams conducts
78 trombones playing The Womp Womp Wa Wa Overture. Confetti falls
everywhere. Stock footage of Moonbase Alpha exploding as the Moon is
blasted out of orbit. Grainy stock footage of elderly women applauding.)
> For your newsgroups file:
> alt.sex.fetish.acceleration Faster !
Faster !
FASTER !!!
You forgot alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.fetish.acceleration.
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Women who drive fast and have camcorders!!
Thu, 27 Oct 1994 10:18:20 GMT
<[email protected]>
Accelerator Boy (Adam Sandler's latest character?) has been posting his
request in various alt.*, soc.*, talk.*, and rec.* groups, and I found
one version where he explains what he's doing. This was posted, believe
it or not, to talk.bizarre.
Perhaps this is for a video for his band? (Maybe someone should offer
him a video clip if he will send the script for the film.)
It's interesting that he can't just take a picture of a FOOT himself.
So I guess that lens credence to the ever-popular "weirdly specialized
foot fetish" theory. Maybe he only gets turned on if the picture of a
woman's foot flooring the gas pedal is photographed by a WOMAN!
-- K.
Holding the camera with her feet!
( CONTINUED ) 191
[email protected] writes:
>
> if you have a camcorder and like to drive, and you are a female, i need
> your help! i'm doing a project about a woman who gets mad at her boss,
> takes it out on her car, and runs over her boss! ever watch a movie
> when they show someone flooring it? that's what i want to do, it gives
> more effect to the scene. anyway, i need you to wear heels, flats,
> penny loafers, any dress shoe, and record yourself flooring the gas pedal
> !! i'm serious! you don't have to drive, just floor it. i know this is
> weird, but i want as many ideas as possible from people!
i hope you
> can help!! e-mail me at sespc416 at ysub.ysu.edu and i'll explain the
> details. this is for a class believe it or not,and i have been working
>
> on it for quite a while! hope you can help!!!
AF
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: I'll Bet You Can't Eat Just 9.
alt.fan.john-winston, alt.religion.kibology
Tue, 1 Nov 1994 10:15:07 GMT
John_–_Winston borrowing a
<[email protected]>
friend’s account. Portal.com users
without middle names get “_–_”.
>
>
Lately I've come across something that is right down Kibo's line.
> I read something that I will post completely maybe at a later date but
> here is what it said in a few words. First of all I won't actually put
> down what the disease is that I'm talking about but it is A-------s.
You're either referring to arthritis or aiiiiiids.
I will assume the former...
> They have found that if you soak a cup full of raisins for 7 days in Gin
> or until it completely dries up and eat 9 of thes a day you will get over
> A-------s.
But you won't if you eat 10. And if you eat only 8...
ONE OF THE CALIFORNIA RAISINS!
YOU'LL TURN INTO
Not that this would be bad, if you believe in the TV Q system.
>
>
>
>
>
I must warn you that a good way to catch quail is to soak some bird seed
in Gin until it won't hold any more Gin and then put it out for the wild
quail to eat. They will eat a lot of it, become drunk, fall over drunk
and you can go out and pick them up. This probably against the law and
is cruel but it can be done.
Hey, so's shooting fish in a barrel filled with Jell-O(R)!
>
So have fun.
> John Winston.
What's the cure for ingrown toenails, though? I'm thinking of trying
to grow one; my toenails are too flat, they bore me.
-- K.
( CONTINUED ) 192
31 August, 1994
Kibo bought new Vietnam-style
(Taiwanese clone of U.S. issue)
combat boots that smelled up his
new apartment. Mm, rubberlicious!
(February 1997: they still smell.)
193
Would you stop and find out whether
a person needed Mentos even though
they had not directly asked for it?
Weasel Boy (Darren P. Mckeeman), 2 August
Personally, before I saw this movie, I really
thought that the “it was all a dream” plottwists were supposed to be confined to
literature written before high school.
But hey. “Gee! I just wasted all this time
watching this movie, and it was really all a
dream! Now I feel like a Mentos!”
JEREMY “OS/2IBO” REIMER, 13 August
No, they’re just sticky and odd-smelling.
Like... h’mmm, maybe Mentos....
Roberta J. Barmore, 23 August
I personally thought that Kibo had a fresh
and full life, just like that Mentos(tm) guy.
OWEN LYNN, 12 October( CONTINUED ) 194
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: More on Kibo
Wed, 26 Oct 1994 11:48:48 GMT
<[email protected]>
>
> [As with all my posts, the reader should imagine the following in an
> annoying '70s era font just to annoy Leader Kibo]
How about Letraset Stack? It was everywhere in the '70s but has not, to
my knowledge, been made available in digital form (it's got too many stripes
to look good digitized.) Plus, it's an eyeball yanker and is all caps.
>
>
>
Come to Akbar 'n' Jeff's
KIBO HUT!
(for the terminally silly)
Please. The _seriously_ silly.
are silly while using ADM3As.
Terminally silly people are those who
> [MPEG infomercial deleted]
>
Nothing Too Big Or Too Small For Our Satire
• Strange Physics theories
>
All physics theories are strange. Physics is fundamentally dopey
because it can never explain _everything_, whereas any good TV
commercial _will_: "Everything tastes better sitting on a Ritz!"
You cannot disprove that! Make an infinite stack of Ritz crackers to
find out if the effect is cumulative and your taste buds may EXPLODE!
>
• Star Trek
I'm sorry, I've never heard of Star Trek. Is it that roller rink in
Clifton Park, NY where all the cool teens go?
>
• Bad punctuation
The only bad punctuation is when the beautiful symmetry of a row of ........
is spoiled by weenies inserting letters somewhere in the sentence.
Admire me now:
...............
...............
...............
( CONTINUED ) 195
>
• Self-proclaimed geniuses
I'm not merely self-proclaimed, I'm a CERTIFIED genius!
ADMIRE ME NOW! PAY ME LATER!
>
• Mentos ads
I hear that Mentos are actually made from two components, Menaes and Menvdi.
Of course, they initially shipped them without Mengem, which was a problem.
MATT McIRVIN, NUCLEAR PHYSICIST, WILL NOW EXPLAIN THE ATARI 1040ST JOKE.
>
• Channeled New Age prophecies
Someday someone will start an Old Age religion in which
crystals are used to give your body liver spots.
>
• Wacky Utopian Feminist theories
Atari ST “TOS” was “AES”
plus “VDI”. As to the Latin pun
(sort of) that I made
simultaneously, you’ll have to
figure that out, because I’ve
forgotten what it meant.
Please, real feminists don't use words ending in "pian".
>
"WHERE THE HAPPYNET CONGREGATE TO RETALIATE"
AGGREGATE, TOO.
-- K.
ADMIRE ME MORE NOW.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: Leonardo DaVinci's Shen!
alt.shenanigans, alt.religion.kibology
Thu, 27 Oct 1994 10:43:38 GMT
<[email protected]>
In alt.shenanigans, Charles Eicher <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> [quoting Leonardo da Vinci]
> "If you wish to make a fire which will set a large room ablaze without
> doing any harm you will proceed as follows: first, perfume the air with
> dense fumes of incense or other strongly smelling thing, then boil and
> reduce to vapors ten pounds of brandy. But see that the room is closed
> tight, and throw powder of varnish among the fumes and this powder will be
> found floating upon the fumes; then sieze a torch and enter suddenly into
> the room and instantly everything will become a sheet of flame."
I understand that Leo burned down 500 buildings before he came up with
the perfect formula. Here's one of the versions he tried before that:
"...first, perfume the floor with the smell of fresh roasted peanuts.
Then boil and reduce to vapors some gasoline with styrofoam dissolved in it.
( CONTINUED ) 196
See that the room is closed air-tight and there are no doors or windows
or other means of escape. Throw powder of gun among the fumes.
Then, set your hair on fire and touch your head to the fumes..."
If anyone does try any of Leonardo's recipes, please post a GIF of e
aftermath.
-- K.
From:
Subject:
Re: I dream of Kibo (???)
Newsgroups:
alt.dreams, alt.religion.kibology
Organization:
Date:
Fri, 28 Oct 1994 06:54:09 GMT
alt.dreams, The Judge <[email protected]> writes:
No, but really. I dreamt last night that I was walking down the
road, escorting someone back to his/her house. When suddenly a
car pulled up beside me, and offered us a ride. We got into the
back seat. Driving was someone who I immediately knew to be
James "Kibo" Parry (famed net.personality).
That's the weirdest dream I ever heard: _everyone_ knows I don't drive!
Are you sure you didn't realize there was a chauffeur inside the
soundproof, airtight silver bubble mounted on the hood of my Ford Futura?
(I used to have a Twentieth Century, and a Tempo, but they were cheap
knockoffs of the Futura.)
>
>
>
>
Someone else was
riding beside him, some unknown (though I did know he had a Kibo #
of 1). After we dropped off my friend, we went to Kibo's company.
He was naturally the president.
And also a client!
>
>
>
>
And a server!
And the only customer!
I was immediately given a job as
his personal assistant. He asked me if I thought he was aging well.
I looked carefully; he was in his 40's - 50's, and he certainly
looked good. I told him this, and he laughed.
Eek! That episode of SeaQuest about the giant robots taking over the
world really did cause genetic damage! I'm only TWELVE!!!
>
>
>
>
>
>
The Batmobile was made from an old prototype of the Ford
Futura. Futura is also a typeface (used for the von Braun quote
on page 1) which was knocked off as Twentieth Century, etc.
In
>
>
>
>
>
>
Then he
began making a pass at me. I knew I couldn't let this continue,
since I worked for him, so I pushed him away and told him to walk
out and never come back. (Odd, since it was his company, but hey,
it was just a dream.) He laughed again; it was just a test, and I
had passed. I became Kibo's trusted assistant.
( CONTINUED )
197
Hey, the trust doesn't come easy. I won't trust you until you stop
making passes at me. And stop drooling over my wife, the lovely
Claudia Christian!
Get back to polishing our Harleys!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
There was a group of people who were Kibo's enemies. The main
thing I could do to thwart them was keep K.'s phone number secret.
I knew it, of course, but I had to keep it from falling into enemy
hands. It seems K. or one of his assistants had published a novel
about K., and the real phone number was on the cover. He figured
the enemies would be too dumb to realize that it was the real number.
They would assume it was fake.
Ever since I moved to the 555 exchange in the 919 area code, this has
worked like a charm. P.S. my number really, really, really, really is
(919) 555-KIBO. I'm not making this up, really, really, really.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
I went into my room, and found a computer printout on the bed,
with "James Parry -- ???????" (the real number, which I can't
remember now). I knew "they" had been in my room, and tapped into
my phone somehow to get the number. In fact, though I couldn't
see them, I knew they were still in the room. I froze. A man
walked in and pointed a gun at me. Luckily, he was a security
guard who worked for K., so he shot the three guys hiding in the
corners.
...but one of them was me in disguise, because I was testing you!
Fortunately I was wearing a bulletproof vest under my steel-mesh
electromagnetic-radiation-proof riot gear. I reached up, grabbed my
chin, and ripped off the latex disguise to reveal... THAT I WAS ME!!!
>
>
>
>
Unfortunately, I woke up before a satisfactory ending to the
story.
I don't really need this to be analyzed, I just thought it might
be amusing.
It's better than the time I dreamed I was your assistant, that's for sure.
This is the second coolest dream I've ever read on alt.dreams.
-- K.
Futura is your friend.
Especially the question mark.
?
( CONTINUED ) 198
From:
[email protected] (David C. 'Davy Baby' Brogden)
Subject:
Kibo's Heresy
Newsgroups:
Date:
26 Oct 1994 05:09:37 GMT
Organization:
University of California, Santa Cruz
Message-ID:
<[email protected]>
All this talk of kibo being "dead," which is OBVIOUSLY not true, reminded
me of a song from one of the masters...
heresy
he sewed his eyes shut because he is afraid to see
he tries to tell me what i put inside of me
he's got the answers to ease my curiosity
he dreamed a god up and called it kibology
your kibo is dead and no one cares
if there is a hell i will see you there
he flexed his newsgroup to keep his flock of sheep in line
he made a .signature that would kill off all the swine
his perfect kingdom of trolling, suffering and pain
demands devotion atrocities done in his name
your kibo is dead and no one cares
drowning in his own hypocrisy
and if there is a hell i will see you there
burning with your kibo in humility
will you die for this?
(with apologies to trent reznor.
but none to kibo, so there!)
--dave
-o o
David C. "Davy Baby" Brogden
__\_\_
[email protected]
/
\
_
"I want total sensory depravation and
\____
\ Fiat Slack
/ \
backup drugs!" -- Edina Monsoon
\
\_____________/ /
Slugs \
/ http://www.armory.com/~deadslug/index.html
Undead \________________/Due to budget constraints these aren't UCSC opinions
...remember DO NOT PUT
ELECTRONS IN YOUR EAR.
BRENT JACKSON, 12 October
( CONTINUED ) 199
30 November, 1994
Kibo’s photo runs large across the
front page of the Boston Herald for
NO REASON.
200
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Message-ID:
Organization:
Date:
Danger, Will Robinson!
alt.religion.kibology, alt.exploding.kibo
<[email protected]>
Wed, 30 Nov 1994 07:34:46 GMT
Those of you who read the Boston Herald (you know who you are)
should be able to find a photo of me in Wednesday's (today's) issue, or
maybe Thursday's if they delay it for massive airburshing.
I got to walk all over the big keyboard in the Computer Museum, and I'm
contractually bound to tell you that YOU can't do this, but they made an
exception in my case. (I like the key labelled "Non-Working Key" and
the one with the sideways parenthesis.)
Note that in the photo I have the worst haircut you've ever seen,
because that morning I was giving myself a trim to become presentable,
and I was sleepy enough that I grabbed the wrong damn attachment for my
electric clippers, and it was the "tapered to the left" one instead of
the "medium" one, so the left side of my head lost most of its hair, and
then I had to go and buzz-cut the other side to try to make it
symmetrical. With luck they'll print one of the ones where I'm wearing
the emergency hat.
In case they wouldn't let us into the Computer Museum to shoot, the
contingency plan was to go to the Children's Museum and pose in front of
the "Can You Identify These Common Body Noises?" exhibit.
The interview will probably make me sound profoundly egotistical,
because the reporter did an excellent job of honestly depicting me.
If my ego gets any bigger, I could explode!
Look for me in the Herald this week. You know it's the paper for the
_literate_ readers because the headlines are bigger than the photos.
(They might make an exception in my case in case they want to show all
the detail in my head stubble, though.) Wingo! Wingo! Must play Wingo!
-- K.
Also, Dr. Smith from "Lost In Space"
is in town this weekend.
Now, Pez(tm), is a vaso-bozofier and
we’re frankly not sure what it does.
John Graham, early September
( CONTINUED ) 201
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Mike Knell)
Re: T H E /-/ A ( /< E R 'S M A N S / O N
alt.fan.warlord, alt.religion.kibology
UK Centre for Lemur Fandom
Tue, 29 Nov 1994 19:32:02 GMT
<[email protected]>
Green Ghost <[email protected]> wrote:
>
_____
__.__ _______
_____
______
>
_/ _ \_/ | \\___. \_/
\_/
\_
>
|
|___j. |
|
|
|
:
||
|___j
>
|. |
||
|. :
|| |
|____
|
>
|| |
|: |
|. _
|: |
|| |
|
>
|: :
|
|
|| |
|. :
|: |
|
>
l_______l___l___|: |___l_______l________j
>
l___j
“BUAF” = “Big Ugly
Ascii Font” or “Butt-Ugly
Ascii Font”. (Or “Beat
Up Allen Funt”.)
“BUAG” is the same for
graphics, or Alec
Guinness.
Sorry, your BUAG Bart Simpson seems to have mutated and cloned itself. Be
Very Afraid. Especially of the sticky-out bit in the middle. Small kids
could cut themselves on that. Is this any WAY to encourage $OCIAL
RE$PON$IBILITY in YOUNG and possibly IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN?
> ....Has begun! Enjoy it at someplace special: The
1 8
>
/-/acker's
Ø 3
>
/\/\ansion
7 8 5
>
27 Hours Per Day
5 Ø
>
14.4 Supra
8
>
Ø
(numbers changed :) )
Exactly what order are those digits supposed to be dialled in, DØØD? Or is
it that the PHREAKZ who hang out on your RAD1KUL BBØARD are so 3L33T that
they've reprogrammed the phone network so that any combination will get
through?
>
Be Warned:
><--------------------------------------------------------->-------/\--------/\----------------------------/\--->
/ \ /\ / /\
/\/\
/ /\
>
/\/ /\ \/ \/ / \ /\
/\ / / \ /\/ /\ \
> / \ \/ / /\ \ \ /\/ \
/\ \/ / /\ \/ \ /\/\
> / /\ \ / / / /\ \/ / /\ \ / /\ /\ \/ /\ \ \ \/ /\
>/ ____ \ \ \/ / \ / ____ \/ / / / \ / /\ \/\ / \
>\/
\/\/\ /
/\/\/
\/ / / /
/\ \ \/ /\ \/
/
> \ ___\ \ \/
/ \ \ ___\ \ \/
/ \/\ / \/\ /
> \/
\/\/\ /
\/\/
\ \/\ /
\ \/
/ \/
>
\/
\/\ \/
\/\ /
>------------------------------\ \-----------\/---------->*
\/
>*
>*
IS COMING!!! Be prepared!!! (ALL:
( CONTINUED ) 202
Aaargh! I'm prepared for the coming of the slashes-and-backslashes BUAF
raiders. Global Alert For All: Lots of Zigzaggy Lines Are Coming Soon!
(what _does_ that BUAF say _anyway_? Looks like it says " Kibo Is Coming "
to me..
>*
>*
>*
__
/ H E
/-/ A ( /< E R ' S
/\/\ A N S / O /\/ (8Ø3)785-5Ø8Ø 14.4
27 HOURS PER DAY!
DØØD!!!11!! CH3K ØUT TH353 RAD1KUL AS|<II GRAF1X!!!11! \/\/|&1T|=
|<Ø/\/\P|_|=|=T |<RAP TØØ!!
>*
>*
Home for all (yberpunks,Hackers,Phreaks,Alchemists,Witches and Wizards,
Subgenii,Deadheads and Pink Floyd Fans,and fans of the Bizarre.
Sorry, you misspelt "KØØL 12-Y3AR-ØLD PR3PUB3SCENT RAD1KUL DØØDZ!!!!11!!!"
Why did you put the word 'yberpunk' in only one parenthese? What _is_ an
Yberpunk anyway?
Not that any self-respecting Subgenius would frequent your obviously Pink
bulletin board.
-- mpK.
-+--- Mike Knell --- Squashed Lagomorpha on the Information Superhighway(tm) --+
| Vending machines should NEVER NEVER EVER| SMTP thang: [email protected] |
| eat money.- RFC1288 (Finger)| <a href="mailto:[email protected]">..</a> |
| PGP public key on request or from the usual servers..AI$()*U)TJO$THFJKHEFW? |
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Warning! Warning! Kibo meets Dr. Smith!
Tue, 6 Dec 1994 05:38:52 GMT
<[email protected]>
I just paid $10 to talk to Dr. Smith from "Lost In Space" for thirty
seconds. To quote Matt McIrvin, "The two hemispheres of Kibo's brain
are warring!"
Or maybe he said "whirring".
I asked Dr. Smith (Jonathan Harris) about the planned "Lost In Space"
movie (with a new cast) and he said--this is to be best of my memory-"They're going to do what they call 'updating' it, probably fuck it up!"
He was also happy to say "Room for one more, honey!" for me.
I like him. He silly.
-- K.
He was sitting next to Mr. Chekov, who I overlooked-by about a foot. He was across the room from
Tiny Tim, one of whose songs he once sang on "Lost In Space".
203
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Andrew Jeanes)
Re: The Corruption of Kibo...
alt.religion.kibology, alt.culture.usenet
Carleton University, Ottawa, Canada
Tue, 6 Dec 1994 06:42:58 GMT
<[email protected]>
R. Patrick Dockrey <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> lee s. bumgarner ([email protected]) wrote:
> :
> : I want Kibo on Letterman!
>
> Who doesn't? Awhile ago there was a thread asking people to e-mail
> Letterman asking them to get Kibo as a guest. I did so, being a pathetic
> herd animal. They did respond saying that Kibo was a bit too obscure to
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> be a guest, and then hinted that Bill Gates might be a guest. Personaly I
> would choose Kibo.
This from people who will put the guy who invented the toothpaste pump
on the air. Well, there's only one answer:
KIBO MUST BE GIVEN INTIMATE PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE OF OJ SIMPSON TO BECOME A BORN-AGAIN KATO!
Andrew "not ready for prime time" Jeanes
Andrew Jeanes || [email protected]
"We are the United States Government, we don't do that
sort of thing." --NSA Agent on world peace, _Sneakers_
http://journal.biology.carleton.ca/People/ajeanes
|cantermites
|besiegelima?
|hasturkey
|gotskiboots?
No big R, with its adnate tail and
ink-trap-laden crotch (I just like
saying “ink-trap-laden crotch”)
can compare to even the
TINIEST GIANT H!!!!
Kibo, 5 November
( CONTINUED ) 204
BEWARE!
There is a
SCARY
MONSTER
on the next page!
SCARY
MONSTER AT
THE END OF
THIS BOOK!
The terrifying death
mask of BooBerry
was nothing!
THE SCARY
MONSTER AT
THE END OF
THIS BOOK
comes soon –
shortly after the
Giant H
Olympics!
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: CONtest, oPEN to ALL!!!!
6 Dec 1994 19:30:57 GMT
<[email protected]>
> In the last Giant H Olympics, everyone entered really super-awesome
> Giant H's, so everyone WON and nobody was MAIMED. This time it will
> be DIFFERENT! Describe your Giant H. The MOST PATHETIC Giant H will WIN
> and everyone will DIE!
My Giant H is made of red not-yet-functioning neon tubes. It is
hauled spastically up the side of a building while kazoo music plays.
Just before it is pulled out of sight, the voices of small children
announce: "It's the letter H!" Then Grover explains the number 2.
Actually, that's my giant R, which makes it more pathetic because it's
not even an H.
-Matt
01234567 <-- Indent-o-Meter
McIrvin
^
From:
[email protected]
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization: Northwestern University
Date: Tue, 06 Dec 94 11:22:41 CDT
My Giant H is eighteen inches tall, and made out of marshmallows stuck
together with toothpicks. It only stands up at all because the
marshmallows have all gotten crusty. The crossbar of the H sags in the
middle. Truth to tell, it looks as much like an M as an H. I can't
pick it up or it will fall apart, and sometimes I have to fight away the
greys who want to eat the marshmallows. I don't know why I bother. I
hate the worthless thing, and want to dash it to pieces with a single
kick.
I would use it to defend myself, if I ever had to, by grabbing it up
and running screaming at the H's attacking me. Probably I'd trip and poke
myself on the toothpicks. If I made it all the way to the attackers
without them killing me, I don't know what I'd do. I'd hit them with it
once and it would fall apart. It's so stupid.It makes me angry. I'll
never be on TV because I have an ugly stupid useless impotent Giant H.
Jer
[email protected]
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (brent jackson)
s.p.a.m. media lab
7 Dec 1994 01:31:23 GMT
<[email protected]>
...thus spake James "Kibo" Parry through the avatar [email protected]...
\\ In the last Giant H Olympics, everyone entered really super-awesome
\\ Giant H's, so everyone WON and nobody was MAIMED. This time it will
\\ be DIFFERENT! Describe your Giant H. The MOST PATHETIC Giant H will WIN
\\ and everyone will DIE!
my giant H is the H in "WILLIAM SHATNER" from the credits to "star trek"
i win! i win!
-brent
my other giant H is the H in "Hasslehoff" from the "baywatch" credits
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Stacy Prowell)
Software Quality Research Laboratory
06 Dec 1994 19:57:29 GMT
<[email protected]>
"My Giant H" by Stacy Prowell
I didn't have a Giant H when I read the above contest rules. But
the intoxicating thrill of just thinking about what I would do with a
Giant H overwhelmed me. We could go on picnics, fly kites. It would
be a friend, a confidant, a buddy. I went out to find building
materials for my Giant H. Unfortunately, I work at the University of
Tennessee, so there wasn't much other than just some mud. So I went
outside, ignoring the cries of "Get back here and finish grading those
tests! Hey, you been reading news again?" Idiots. What do they know
of a Giant H? They can't dream... they are all they will ever be.
But me, I wanted something more! I wanted a Giant H.
I made mine out of mud, but the mud wasn't very wet, so I couldn't
make it stand up. So I just made it flat on the ground, which was
better since it could be bigger and I didn't have to move the mud very
far. But I wanted a really BIG Giant H. So I got rid of that one and
just scratched one in the dirt. Here's a picture of it. I made it
out of little H's. :-)
H H
HHHH
H H
H
H
I had a hard time making the stick go straight because some tree
roots got in the way. Anyway, if you look at it you can see what it
is. Sorta.
It's pretty big. I can see it from my window right now. It's
looking at me. It kinda scares me. I would like to go out there and
erase it, but it might get me. It reminds me of Homer Simpson. That
reminds me of Homer Wilson Smith. That reminds me of Dr. Smith from
the Jupiter 2 (what ever happenned to the Jupiter One? I bet Xenu got
it.) That reminds me of L. Ron Hubbard.
My thetan is liberated! The Giant H did it! No more engrams!
Well, you can keep your silly contest. I am off to the stars!
--- _Stacy J. [email protected]_
|
|
| "Are these net-clowns for real?" - Serdar Argic |
|_________________________________________________|
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Andrew Bulhak)
The Bayesian Priory
7 Dec 1994 15:06:45 GMT
<[email protected]>
My Giant H is a complex surface comprised of lots and lots of reflective
and refractive spheres, tori and quartic surfaces. I raytrace it on my
opponents' machines and they EXPLODE.
-- A.
The machines, not the opponents.
And not the spheres either.
GIF
-Andrew Bulhak
|
[email protected]|"The first
Monash Uni, Clayton,
| take over
Victoria, Australia
|
to be posted RSN.
thing the communists do when they
a country is to outlaw cockfighting."
- Oklahoma state Sen. John Monks
( CONTINUED ) 208
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (John Krueger)
The Unconfigured xvnews people
7 Dec 1994 14:16:37 GMT
<[email protected]>
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Date:
Disclaimer:
Message-ID:
My giant H is made out of RED AND GREEN PAISELY TOILET PAPER! AND IT IS
REALLY SMALL! HAH! I dare you to even imagine a more pathetic giant H.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------Disclaimer : If you agree with the above opinions you're crazier than I am.
[email protected] * John Krueger * This redundant statement is redundant.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From:
[email protected] (Bruce Ediger)
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization: False September
Date:
7 Dec 1994 21:17:04 GMT
HAH! My Giant H is made out of 3 of those old Kentucky Fried Chicken coffee
stirrers/coke spoons that had small, ugly Colonel Harlan Sander's heads
on one end, held together with little dabs of "Preparation H" hemmorhoid
ointment. It's most pathetic because it's assymetrical (the cross-bar
only has a Harlan Head at one end), because you can't even pick it up
without it coming unstuck ("Preparation H" isn't particularly adhesive),
and because it's parts are all "H" words. Of a sort.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Joe Bay)
Rutgers University
7 Dec 1994 20:10:21 -0500
<[email protected]>
My giant H is made up of souveniers from 1994 all held together with loose
threads pulled out of my socks and the ripped parts of my jeans. Prominently
featured are: a container of Schwann's ice cream, a b/w postscript image
of Tonya Harding's face pasted onto Ginger Lynn's body, OJ and Nicole Simpson
masks, a papier-Mache diorama of Kurt Cobain's death, a "we love you Pedro"
T-shirt, a green card, a get-well postcard for Craig "obik" Shergold, a
printout of the misc.test FAQ in 8 pt. Blackletter 686 BT, a canal, a
genuine authentic chip of Jeffrey Dahmer's skull, Rush Limbaugh's book,
all held together with two Barney costumes.
"brian w hart" <[email protected]>
Thu, 8 Dec 1994 07:57:25 GMT
This posting represents the poster's views, not necessarily
those of IBM.
<[email protected]>
My Giant H was carved out of a Chia Pet. But later someone poured
salt on it and all the little Chia Plants died.
-brian w hart
[email protected]
certainly not ibms opinions
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
09/24: There's always next year! OUYPIDHTTBECIU. HAND.
Kibo factor: minus e to the pi i.
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Rich Holmes)
Syracuse University
08 Dec 1994 16:14:45 GMT
<[email protected]>
My giant H is made of cigarette butts. Every day while standing on
the corner of Fayette and Salina Streets, asking passersby for spare
change and conversing the the invisible robots that control my left
foot, I keep an eye out for cigarette butts. Over the course of the
past year I've spent my evenings on a grate near Hanover Square,
painstakingly gluing the cigarette butts together to make my giant H.
I used my own spit for glue, which unfortunately doesn't work very
well. Several times my giant H got run over by the bus. And then
last night some kids knocked me down and kicked me and stole my giant
H. I cried for about six hours and then started over. I've found
three butts so far but I lost one of them.
-- Rich Holmes
Of course it's daft, it's traditional.
- Terry Pratchett
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Jeff Gerstmann)
Sonoma Interconnect,707.528.8748,Shell$12/mo,Santa Rosa,CA(us)
8 Dec 1994 10:49:07 -0800
<[email protected]>
Actually, it's shaped more like a catamaran than an H. So there.
My Giant H
a fable by Jeff Gerstmann
-"There is much more to this demented post, than this paragraph."
-- Andrew Beckwith
"Grate spirits have always encountered violint
opposition from mediocer minds" -- A. Einstein
"Without trolling, the Internet wouldn't be where it is today" --John Yeung
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Joe Rumsey)
large
Thu, 8 Dec 1994 00:43:24 GMT
<[email protected]>
My giant H is made up of many things. The left tall piece is made from an
inflatable Bald Bull doll that weebles and beebles but it don't fall down.
The right piece is missing. It was made out of a spare tire and some scotch
tape, but I think somebody got a flat and I gave it to them for some
staples. The crossbar is made by stapling a Hayes SmartModem 1200 to a
plastic piece that comes with the Sega CD 2 so you can hook it up to an old
Genesis without having it look lopsided. The crossbar has the word "TOGO"
spray painted on it. I think some crazy person must have vandalized my H. It
makes me want to cry. I'm thinking about selling or trading my giant H for
something. I would prefer a giant K or a giant N. Please, if you can spare
any giant K or giant N parts, I really, REALLY need them.
I think I'm going to go to the bathroom right now.
My Giant H is made out of $.59 burritos from taco bell, glued
together with hot sauce. The sauce is still drying, and it will be at
least another two weeks before it has become hard enough to hold my H
together well enough for it to be picked up. Furthermore, I got
hungry and ate the top half of one leg of the H, so it is now a Giant
Lowercase h.
If I get hungry again, it will be a Giant Lowercase n.
-Joe Rumsey <[email protected]> ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/og/ogre/home.html
( CONTINUED ) 209
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Bill Newcomb)
Thu, 8 Dec 1994 20:51:16 GMT
<[email protected]>
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Andrew Jeanes)
Carleton University, Ottawa, Canada
Sun, 18 Dec 1994 21:10:01 GMT
<[email protected]>
My giant H is made out of a pair of k-mart wash-n-wear polyester
slacks. It is plastered together with toilet paper bound with a paste
of crushed up cheerios and Zima. It is riddled with plastic straws and
funnels, and can dispense automatically four different kinds of well
drinks. All of which are completely unpalatable.
My Giant H isn't an H at all. It's a giant *lower-case* h. It
started out as a capital letter, but a piece of it broke off when I
was glueing on the linoleum. I spent so much time on it that I
couldn't just start over, so I sanded down the jagged part and now
it's a giant h.
The best thing about my giant H is that it does not spontaneously
fission and render the San Fransisco bay an integral part of the
Pacific Ocean. That's about all you can say for it.
The surface looks just like one of those 3-D pictures they sell in
shopping malls except that when you defocus your eyes to look at it,
you see a picture of another 3-D picture. Infinite recursion, just
like the guy on the Quaker Oats box who is holding a box of Quaker
Oats!
You'll all have to pardon me, I've got 8-hour-meeting-from-hell brain
syndrome.
--Bill Newcomb
[email protected]
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Q: Did Newt Gingrich smoke pot in his youth?
A: Yes, but apparently not enough.
Zen Arcade
Thu, 8 Dec 1994 18:30:10 GMT
<[email protected]>
My Giant H is made out of the plastic bags that floppy disks come in, the
ones that stupid people use as disk protectors. It is held together with
off-brand magic tape and measures approximately six feet by four and one
half feet. Although ferocious-looking when it's laying on a flat surface,
it's not really much good as a weapon, as it lacks rigidity of any sort.
The best thing about my Giant H is that when it gets cold I can wear it
like a coat. A plastic coat, not very warm.
--tjm | "a rolling steel keg rolling across concrete"-dm
r
o
r
a
l
u
c
a
r
d
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Keywords:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected]
utk, sculpture
University of Tennessee
Sat, 10 Dec 94 07:33:28 GMT
<[email protected]>
That's pretty wild in and of itself, but this is a *multi-media* giant
h. While the visual centres of your brain are slowly being turned to
tofu, the giant h is providing aural stimulation by playing the
musical stylings of Don "No-Soul" Simmons (featured in the motion
picture 'Amazon Women on the Moon'). If you reach out and touch the
surface of the giant h, you feel the satisfying texture that can only
come from 100% Yak Hair.
And there's more! Through a revolutionary collaboration between
American Express, Microsoft and K-Tel, as you experience the wonder of
the giant h all your money is being removed from your bank account and
being replaced by the Giant Stone Coins of the Island of Yap. Plus
you receive many fine *absolutely free* gifts, including a previously
enjoyed Thighmaster that has been individually autographed by pop
sensation Debbie Gibson!
If you think this offer^H^H^H^H^Hentry couldn't possibly be more
pathetic, you're wrong. Look inside the giant h and you will find
95,000,000,000 ping-pong balls, each containing one letter of the
LONGEST KNOWN PALINDROME!!! Share them with your friends, see how
many anagrams you can make.
Best of all, for a limited time only, you too can *rent* my fabulous
giant h. Send your first female offspring, plus $10,000 for shipping
and handling, to the address below and this premium lower-case letter
can be yours. Act now!
giant h productionz
R.R. 2
Klim, ON
L1P 4T2
CANADA
email: [email protected]
Andrew "I pronounce it 'haich' and so should you" Jeanes
[email protected] (Stacy Prowell) writes:
>be a friend, a confidant, a buddy. I went out to find building
>materials for my Giant H. Unfortunately, I work at the University of
>Tennessee, so there wasn't much other than just some mud. So I went
Hey, there's plenty of stuff to build Giant H's out of around here! You
just have to look harder. I made mine out of a bunch of Official Tennessee
Volunteer BIG ORANGE Pom-Poms[TM] that I taped together. I have to lean
it against a building for it to stay up, but hey, it looks sort of ok and
it shows my SCHOOL SPIRIT!!!!! Your idea wasn't bad though. Maybe you
should see if you can publicly display it on campus and get it added to the
BIG ORANGE Sculpture Tour[TM]. :) Hope this helps!
Bob
-(C)1994 Robert Bird [email protected] http://utkvx1.utk.edu/~bird/
University of Tennessee, Knoxville Materials Science and Engineering
I speak only for myself and a few other selected split-personalities.
THIS DISCLAIMER IS NOT REQUIRED BY LEADER KIBO. beable beable beable
Andrew Jeanes || [email protected]
"We are the United States Government, we don't do that
sort of thing." --NSA Agent on world peace, _Sneakers_
http://journal.biology.carleton.ca/People/ajeanes
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
|cantermites
|besiegelima?
|hasturkey
|gotskiboots?
NEWish CONtest, oPEN to ALL!!!!
Wed, 14 Dec 1994 08:08:06 GMT
<[email protected]>
Michael Straight <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Is there anyone else on the planet with the power to causally say, "write
> something stupid yet somewhat amusing about x," and have dozens of people
> instantly do it.
New contest:
Write something stupid yet amusing about the psychological events which
occurred around age three which made Michael Straight grow up to be the
perfect straight man!
-- K.
pants, pants, pants
( CONTINUED ) 210
YIKES!
There is a
HORRIBLE
MONSTER
on the next page!
SCARY
MONSTER AT
THE END OF
THIS BOOK!
See the first 1997 volume for the
story of this Giant H. Photo courtesy
the esteemed Brian Knotts.
Remember, the SCARIEST
MONSTER OF ALL is AT THE
END OF THIS BOOK!
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
Re: James 'Kibo' immortalised in print ....
alt.alien.visitors, alt.religion.kibology, alt.fan.warlord
Tue, 6 Dec 1994 10:01:14 GMT
<[email protected]>
In alt.alien.visitors, Simon Early <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> James, if you're reading this, check out "Host" by (cant remember his name)
> but I got sent it from Readers Digest (yes, I know,I know) in the UK.
To quote a really old episode of the BBC's "Not The Nine O'Clock News":
"Doctors have agreed upon a new definition of 'brain death'. It's
when you start to enjoy the Reader's Digest."
Personally, I'm waiting for the Digest itself to do an article on me:
"KIBOLOGY: YOUR CHILDREN AT RISK FROM DRUG-CRAZED HIPPIE COMMUNIST PERVERTOS"
> look on page 50-something, there you are! in full e-mail quote!
I'll run right out and check on this in the morning when I go out to buy
my daily ten-pound bag of candy. (While we're on the subject of the UK,
is British chocolate a product of aliens? No human being would call
something that tastes that way 'chocolate'!)
> (does this constitute copyright infringement?)
:-)
I dunno. When I send people email usually I *expect* them to try
selling it at places like science-fiction conventions or Christie's auctions.
(Or Christy's auctions, which claim to be open 24 hours... but not in a row.
Boston joke.)
Christy’s convenience
> fame at last! can I have your autograph?
stores have signs which
say “ALWAYS OPEN”
No.
in big letters, even
though they never are
_
__
/|
when I want to go.
/ | /
/
|
| <
|_
___/
|/ \
/|
| | | |
|
\
|
| | | |
/
\__ \/ \_/ \_/
(jeezuz, that's ugly,
I'd better warlord it
before someone else does)
( CONTINUED ) 213
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Date:
Organization:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Joe)
Kibo nomination for MOTY in TIME
13 Dec 1994 18:22:34 -0500
Rutgers University
<[email protected]>
Here's mine:
The “Time” web page claimed to be letting
Y-O-U vote on the Man Of The Year. Of
course, it was all a sham – they’d already
written their issue a couple weeks in
advance – but Kibo likes to see ballot boxes
stuffed anyway. If it weren’t for Kibo, this
sort of FRAUD would go unexposed!
Mr. Parry's exploits have been an inspiration to me since I
started college. His amazing work in the fields of history,
political science, literature, chemistry, and microbiology
are unsurpassed. His essays show a rare insight into modern
culture, exposing cultural trends and prejudices with the
precision of a scientist and the style of a poet.
When I was in a deep depression, unable even to get out of my
bed, "Kibo" got thousands of people to send me postcards. I
felt better almost immediately! "Kibo" has brought joy to
countless children throughout the world.
(I realize it's not much, but heck.
It's just TIME magazine).
Joe
-"There is much more to this demented post, than this paragraph."
-- Andrew Beckwith
"Grate spirits have always encountered violint
opposition from mediocer minds" -- A. Einstein
"Without trolling, the Internet wouldn't be where it is today" --John Yeung
From:
Subject:
Newsgroups:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
If the press asks you about me...
Wed, 14 Dec 1994 13:59:44 GMT
<[email protected]>
...just say I'm the new Mickey Mouse. Mickey hasn't *done* anything in
fifty years, he's just a cultural icon, and nobody really gives a damn
about him, but he's everywhere.
Fifty years from now, I'll be able to look back and say, "Ha!
Everyone's *still* indifferent about me, and I *still* haven't done
anything!"
And there will be these guys with giant paper-mache Kibo heads running
around amusement parks waving their giant three-fingered hands at
tourists and talking in a voice twelve octaves higher than I do.
You have my permission to shoot as many of them as you want!
-- K.
I'm also sort of like Popeye in that I'm
hideously deformed and I use the power of
wholesome vegetables to commit mindless violence!
( CONTINUED ) 214
Newsgroups:
From:
Subject:
Organization:
Date:
Message-ID:
[email protected] (Powdered Toast Man)
Re: If the press asks you about me...
The Armory
16 Dec 1994 05:56:50 GMT
<[email protected]>
Dave A. Lartigue <[email protected]> wrote:
:
: [email protected] (James "Kibo" Parry) says:
: >
: > ...just say I'm the new Mickey Mouse. Mickey hasn't *done* anything in
: > fifty years, he's just a cultural icon, and nobody really gives a damn
: >about him, but he's everywhere.
: >
: >Fifty years from now, I'll be able to look back and say, "Ha!
: >Everyone's *still* indifferent about me, and I *still* haven't done
: >anything!"
: >
: >And there will be these guys with giant paper-mache Kibo heads running
: >around amusement parks waving their giant three-fingered hands at
: >tourists and talking in a voice twelve octaves higher than I do.
: >You have my permission to shoot as many of them as you want!
:
: My favorite ride at KiboWorld (tm) is Beable Mountain!
Mine is Kibo's UsenetTown. Everything looks like it does on Usenet, that is,
in cheap ASCII art. I bought a few small ones for use in .sigs. The one on
the right of my current one was in the bargain bin. It's actually not
entirely for kids, since trolls and warlords with HUGE ascii swords tucked in
their sigs are wandering around, pointing everyone in the wrong direction.
You know what sucks though? The "It's an AOL World After All" ride. Two
hours of sitting in a floating turd-boat while newbies left and right are
posting "WHERE ARE THE NAKED TROY PIX?" over and over and over and over.
I'm going to learn to draw Mickey Mouse. Then I am going to draw him maimed
and mutilated in various ways. Then I shall mail and fax them to random
households. I remember seeing that "Bonkers" show once, and someone was
impersonating Mickey Mouse to be in a movie, while Mickey was sealed in a box
so you couldn't see him. Well I don't know why they did that but we never saw
Mickey! Not even after he was "let out" (off camera). BTW, the guy who
impersonated Mickey didn't even look like Mickey, it looked more like the fat
guy on Goof Troop... I know this was intentional, but is Mickey so old that
people don't know how to draw him anymore?
You know, while Bugs Bunny cartoons are free on TNT and Nickelodeon, and often
on local broadcast channels, to see Mickey Mouse almost at ALL, you have to
subscribe to a pay channel that has nothing but crap on it. One might suggest
( CONTINUED ) 215
that you go out and rent Fantasia or something, but Disney has this messed-up
marketing idea where they stop shipping a certain movie after about a month,
even though it's "the best selling video of ALL-TIME!!!!!" as everything
Disney puts out seems to be.
Bugs Bunny could kick Mickey's ass in a fight any day! I'd put real money on
it! Bugs does cameos on Taz-Mania and even Animaniacs occasionally, and he
even does this bit before 1991 video rentals plugging Warner Bros. Ball Caps.
Sure, it's just commercialized crap, but at least he's pushing it himself and
being active, instead of just withering away in the shadow of... well I don't
even know what.
It's too bad, since now that Mickey Mouse isn't representing America anymore,
that responsibility has been passed to MCDONALD'S!!! AARRGGHH!!
Stop me before I mutate the topic again!
-__o |
Powdered Toast Man <[email protected]>
|
_-\_<, |
<[email protected]>
|
(*)/'(*) | I almost met Elvis once, but my shovel broke. :) |
_ o
|<)_/#
TT <T
Mensa is pretty good. I joined it for a
while and I liked getting that monthly
magazine, “Highlights.” You don’t have
to take College Board Aptitude Test
scores to get into Mensa you can just
send in a proof of purchase from
special marked packages of Mentos.
LEE MERKEL, 26 September
( CONTINUED ) 216
a nearly fun fact
As of September 20, 1994,
43,000 alt.religion.kibology
articles had been posted,
7% of them (3,000) written
by Kibo!
217
...it would have been ok if Spot fell
into a porthole.
Joe Bay, 20 September
... this I know, for the beable tells me so.
BILL EVANS, 28 July
R.I.P.
James “Kibo” Parry,
1966 – 1994
Ted Frank, 31 July
Indeed, may he rest in peace.
I’ll never forget the screams as the
hydraulic press squashed his stilltwitching robotic armature.
Matt McIrvin, 1 August
( CONTINUED ) 218
Somehow Kibology is less
exciting when it’s less
ephemeral.
Kibo, browsing this archive, 5 October 1994
Wrong.
Kibo, reading that in the archive, February 1997
Bite me, bozo.
Kibo, reading this, Orange Webruary 2525
I don’t get it...
...is this a joke?
KIBO, 3 August
( CONTINUED ) 219
FINAL
WARNING
THE END OF
THE BOOK IS
ONLY A FEW
PAGES AWAY!
WHATEVER
YOU DO, IF
YOU VALUE
YOUR
SANITY,
DON’T TURN
THE PAGE!
OH NO! THE
SCARIEST
MONSTER
OF ALL IS...
ARF
ARF
ARF
ARF
ARF
ARF
ARF
© J “K” P
ARF ARF ARF
ARF ARF ARF
ARF ARF ARF

Best of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1994B

Transcription

Similar documents

Tallest mountain on each continent

Facility Rental Packet

Comparative Study between Radiation Doses in the MATROSHKA

When it comes to waterbug identification, there are some

Open photosimulations

PDF - Bank Employees` Credit Union | Bank Employees

The Crêtes Itinerary

promo sheet - Compass Media Networks

Player Commands Mouse Controls Shortcuts Emotes