Daily Bull 2012-04-04

D
AILY
The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... like high school valedictorians!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Local Restaurant Set Ablaze
I feel sorry for people
who don’t drink. When they
wake up in the morning,
that’s as good as they’re
going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra
By Olivia Zajac ~ Daily Bull
Big O Inquires
- Nicknames
by Jon ‘Big O’ Mahan
~ Daily Bull
Originally started 1-22-10
Nicknames can be a blessing and a curse. They can
be used for good and they
can be used for evil. Take,
for instance, when a name
is used for good. You’ve
got three friends, all named
Michael, but with different
last names, such as Smith,
Doe, and Eggurd-hausen.
How do you address one
of them but not all of them?
Simple. Pick the one that has
the hardest last name to say,
or one that sounds like the
stupidest name to say, and
call them Michael, or Mikey.
The others should go by
their last name (make sure
they know they are being
called by their last name,
and NOT Mikey) and thus,
now your friends’ names
are Doe, Smith, and Mikey.
see They Call Me El Taco Loco
on back
BUL L
Random Location, US - Local news reports that a chain restaurant, that wishes
to remain nameless, has been burnt to
the ground by one of their employees.
It was evident that it was an inside job
from the young woman that was found
laughing hysterically outside of
the blazing building, flailing empty
gas cans about
like a mad(wo)
man. The manager,
who we will refer
to as Bubba, had
this to say:
burning the place down. Bitches be
crazy.”
The maniac in question is being held by
local authorities for further questioning.
Once she stopped “that damn creepy
cackling”, as the
late night officer
commented, she
calmed
down
enough to make a
statement. “I went
into work for like,
the billionth time
this semester. And
the schedule that
had been post“She
always
ed was redone
seemed like such
for the upteenth
a good employee.
time. I had almost
She would come
all of my hours
in, do her work,
cut outside of a
and do it properpity shift. Somely. Then I decided
thing...snapped in
that another one
me, I think. Years
of her co-workers
of working here
deserved more Well, there goes the food service industry... without complaint
hours than her for
and then this. So. I
no particular reason whatsoever, and
figured they were going to fire me, and
she became rather...unnerved when
I decided to fire him first.”
I didn’t have a reason. I can’t imagine
why she would go so far as actually
A crazed look entered her eye again
see Burninating the Countryside on back
The Steaming Pile
Straight from You-Know-Where!
Failed Cologne/Perfume Scents
Rafflesia Flower
Wet Fart
Newborn Baby
Cat Food
Bacon
Nasal Assault by Hollister
Kentucky Fried Fragrance
Crayons
Creeper Down the Hall By Calvin Klein
Jock Strap by Polo
In Heat by Nature
CS Scents
Common Scents
Old Folk’s Home
Wet Dog
Eat Fresh by Subway
Chanel #69
Golden Water by Bear Grylls
Ammonia
Do I Smell like Chloroform to You?
Sex
Eau de Ballsweat
Orphan Tears
Trailer Fragrances by Brittany Spears
Could’ve Had It by V8
Smoker’s Breath
Toker’s Room by Jimi Hendrix
Bud Light Platinum
Preteen Tears by Taylor Swift
Barf Bucket by Estee Lauder
MegaMilky by Hello Kitty
Passion in my Pits LMFAO
Knockout by Chris Brown
Special Friend by Michael Jackson
Yesterday’s Sports Bra by Brandy Chastain
The Red Carpet by Janet Jackson
It’s a Trap by Admiral Ackbar
Swamp Ass
Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow by
Blizzard T. Husky
Brand New Sports Car
Justice by Batman
OH GOD YES by Jeanine
Festering Wound
New Intern by Bill Clinton
Fourthmeal by Taco Bell
Untraceable by Waldo
Just Jizz
Exotic by Carmen Sandiego
Does This Smell Like Money by Glenn Mroz
Iron-Clad by Carl Blair
Super Spy by Archer
50 Scents by 50-Cent
2nd Best Fragrance in the World by HPB
Pizzas Pizza Lovers Love!
Daily Specials at www.thestudiopizza.com
10% Discount for All Students
Downtown Hancock, across from Finlandia
Don’t Settle For Crappy Pizza!
Get A Large Studio Pepperoni
Pizza For As Little As $8 !!
www.thestudiopizza.com
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash,
Expert Says
482-5100
the
from They Call Me El Taco Loco on front
Sounds good to me. And now you’ve solved your problems on how to
address them! Unless of course you want to be an ass, and call ‘Mikey’
(as referred to above) Eggurd-hausen or something. Then you’re an ass.
Brought to you by Jeanine Chmielewski
STEER
SEARCHER
Constellations!
However, with every good story, there is a bad one. It just occurred to
me that nicknames based on someone’s land of origin, an action, or other
vague idea can give other people some sort of lack of knowledge as to who
someones real name is. Who is Samurai? What’s Mink-Fletcher’s real name?
Who was Shank, and why was he given that name? I’m not necessarily saying it’s a horrible thing, it just can get inconvenient. Take myself for example.
Daily Bull
EDITOR IN CHIEF
COMP EDITOR
MONOPOLY GUY
BREAD WINNER
SCRIBE
WEBMASTER
ADVISOR
Jon ‘Big O’ Mahan
Cameron Long
Alec Hamer
Alex Dinsmoor
Kay McMahon
Kyle Roe
David Olson v2.0
Writers of Awesome: Liz ‘Riz’ Fujita, Steve Whittaker, Olivia Zajac,
Simon Mused, Nathan ‘Invincible’ Miller, Jeanine Chmielewski,
Kara Bakowski, Benjamin Loucks, Sam Schall, Kayla Herrera, Ian
Smith, Veronica Tabor, Ryan Grainger, John Pastore, Ben Harris, and
chocolate cookies!
©2012 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights
reserved. Articles may be freely distributed electronically or
on late night talk shows provided credit is given, and that
this notice is included. The Daily Bull reserves the right to
refuse any advertisements or guest articles without reason.
All opinionated letters sent to the editor (on paper or to
[email protected]) will be treated as material to be published
unless expressly stated otherwise by the sender. Original
works printed in the Daily Bull remain the property of the
creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint
any submissions in future issues unless specifically asked
not to do so by the creator. If you keep reading this small
text, you’ll stay up all night long.
The Daily Bull would like to thank the Daily Bull for
buying our own damn printer that this publication is
printed on. We would also like to thank the Student
Activity Fee for helping to pay for our paper and
toner costs. And our vuvuzelas.
Advertising inquiries, questions &
comments should be directed to
[email protected]
I’m named after a) where I come from
ANDROMEDA
ANTILA
and b) an anime, since I’m an otaku.
AQUARIUS
In fact, the name Big-O caught on so
AQUILA
well that half of my entire residence
ARIES
hall didn’t even know my real name!
AURIGA
Most of them had an ‘aha!’ moment
BOOTES
ERIDANUS
INDUS
ORION
SAGITTARIUS
TRIANGULUM
CASSIOPEIA
CAELUM
when they finally heard my real name.
FORNAX
LACERTA
PEGASUS
SCORPIUS
VELA
CEPHEUS
GEMINI
MONOCEROS
PHOENIX
SERPENS
VIRGO
CORVUS
Of course, for some people, my- CAMELOPARDALIS
CANCER
HOROLOGIUM
NORMA
PISCES
SEXTANS
VOLANS
DELPHINUS
self included, this could be a good
CAPRICORNS
HYDRA
OPHIUCHUS
RETICULUM
TAURUS
VULPECULA
DRACO
thing. My name is Jon. BORING. But
BIG O? Now that’s a cool name. from Burninating the Countryside on front
Plus, it can start up a conversation.
as she continued to explain her- spray. Ooooohhhh those explod- remain until they perform a full
self, with a bit more venom in ed real nice, and gave the restau- lobotomy, and be returned to
“Hi! I’m Joe.”
her voice with each progressing rant a nice, pleasant aroma. I made work at said restaurant after it is
word. “So I just jammed the oven sure that no one was in the build- rebuilt. The reasoning? “Someone
“I’m Big O”
full of anything flammable that I ing that I actually cared about...” without an actual brain would be
could find, doused it in all the
the perfect person to work here.
“How’d you get that name?”
extra grease and any sort of pos- For fear of their own safety, the No complains, no issues,” Bubba
sible flame accelerant, including insane girl was dragged off to a commented. “She’ll now be the
“Well, have you ever killed a man?”
some pressurized cans of garlic mental institution, wherein she shall ideal employee!”