Daily Bull 2012-2

D
AILY
BUL L
Thursday, SWEET SIXTEEN, 2012
The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... like denatured proteins!
Creating World Peace
by Olivia Zajac ~ Daily Bull
I have it. I have the way to bring
world peace to this planet. And I
can use my awesome degree to
achieve it. You see, the main reason there are wars isn’t over land
or oil or other natural resources.
War isn’t even a dick wagging
contest, although the root does
lie with the dick.
See, everyone is angry over the
dick. Men don’t think they’re
getting their dicks sucked often
enough, and women hate feeling
they are required to perform this
act, and that its end result isn’t
exactly easy clean up. The solution lies with the oral sex. More
specifically, with the narsty jizz
that results. My proposal to bring
about world peace: make jizz
taste like a decadent dessert.
Now, I know what you’re thinking “Brolivia, you be crazy!” And
I am crazy. Crazy like a fox. If the
end result of a blow job tasted
like magic, we wouldn’t have
this problem. But the “pineapple
juice” method sucks, no pun
intended. But my plan is to create some sort of pill or drink by
working with the flavorologists at
Ben and Jerry. It will be toxin free,
gluten-free, allergen-free, all natural, and everyone will be in a better mood. Guys will be getting off
see Peaceful Existance on back...
Pic o’ the Day - SO. MUCH. SUGAR.
Valentines PTSD Conquers MTU
By Kay McMahon ~ Daily Bull
The days following Valentines
have been few but long. The
heartache of the lot of us has
taken its toll. Any girl caught
with a Crush can or new piece
of jewelry around these parts is
automatically loathed and despised, especially if she’s prettier
than you.
Without a doubt some girls have
fallen short of hugs and kisses
and are now planning the death
of the man they once loved- or
the death of the couple that
actually celebrated the day. “All
I wanted was chocolates, that
asshole! How hard is that? I
mean, REALLY?!” yelled one broken-hearted girl.
The women who press the is-
sue that is Valentines are typically more cynical and bitchy
than those who are trying to
stay out of the spotlight. There
are many activities to keep those
single sweethearts busy as we
all know. Being hateful towards
anyone who does get flowers
and chocolates is one of them,
obviously. I recommend buying the entire half off candy and
stuffed teddy bear collection
from Walmart at midnight, lighting
them on fire or throwing them at
innocent bystanders.
Guys concern themselves not
with the hallmark holiday over
their video games and programming at MTU. “I mean bitch
wanted flowers, I wanted to play
see Valensucks on back...
Pizzas Pizza Lovers Love!
Daily Specials at www.thestudiopizza.com
10% Discount for All Students
Downtown Hancock, across from Finlandia
Buy One Medium Pizza, Get
Another Medium for Half Price!
Why would you do that? No
seriously, why would you?
www.thestudiopizza.com
482-5100
...from Valensuck on front
broomball and finish my pchem, what’s so hard to understand about
that?” said one unconcerned second year male.
It’s true life was easier in the first grade when we made Valentine’s Day
boxes and legitimately thought that every valentine we got was the best
thing ever and actually mattered. But in 2012, I’m telling you this. Suck it
women, it’s just another day in the life of love. You either got it, or you
don’t. Either way suck it up cupcake.
...from Peaceful Existance on front
way more often than before, and
girls will actually enjoy the fruition
of their work.
Since every girl (and guy) enjoys
different tastes, the creation of
this in pill or liquid form allows
men to adjust the taste of their
spunk based on who they are
currently hooking up with. Tiffany enjoys chocolate? Rachel
likes strawberry? John loves pork
rinds? All these flavors and more
will be developed. Specialized
flavors will be released seasonally for New Years (champagne),
Valentine’s Day (chocolate strawberry), 4th of July (apple pie),
Thanksgiving (pumpkin pie) and
Christmas (sugar cookie). This is
the starting place, and once it
gains popularity, endorsements
from the porn industry will start
rolling in.
Daily Bull
EDITOR IN CHIEF
COMP EDITOR
MONOPOLY GUY
BREAD WINNER
SCRIBE
WEBMASTER
ADVISOR
Liz ‘Riz’ Fujita
Jon ‘Big O’ Mahan
Alec Hamer
Steve Whittaker
Benjamin Loucks
Kyle Roe
David Aftermath Olson
Writers of Awesome: Olivia Zajac, Simon Mused, Cameron
Long, Nathan ‘Invincible’ Miller, Alex Dinsmoor, Jeanine
Chmielewski, Kara Bakowski, Kay McMahon, Sam Schall, Kayla
Herrera, Ian Smith, Veronica Tabor, Ryan Grainger, John Pastore,
Bill Melcher, Ben Harris, and the inert balls.
©2011 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization.
All rights reserved. Articles may be freely distributed
electronically or on late night talk shows provided
credit is given, and that this notice is included.
The Daily Bull reserves the right to refuse any
advertisements or guest articles without reason. All
opinionated letters sent to the editor (on paper or
to [email protected]) will be treated as material to be
published unless expressly stated otherwise by the
sender. Original works printed in the Daily Bull remain
the property of the creator, however the Daily Bull
reserves the right to reprint any submissions in future
issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the
creator. If you keep reading this small text, you’ll be
trampled in the local Wal*mart.
The Daily Bull would like to thank the Daily
Bull for buying our own damn printer that this
publication is printed on. We would also like
to thank the Student Activity Fee for helping
to pay for our paper and toner costs. And
our vuvuzelas.
Advertising inquiries, questions
& comments should be
directed to [email protected]
How will this product end up
creating world peace? No more
wars. Everyone is either too busy
getting blown, or too busy with
a dick in their mouth to fight. It’s
a great solution, and this idea will
totally win me Miss America one
day.
OMG THE HARDNESS > A DIAMOND. Maybe.