April Fool`s! - Hatboro-Horsham School District

APRIL FOOLS, VOLUME 85 ISSUE 5
For the last time, it’s “Hat Chat” not “HatChat” or “Hat-Chat”
2016-2017 CURRICULUM REVEALED:
“SCIENCE IS MAGIC”
Peachy Keen, ‘97
Following Texas Congressman Pete Sessions’ proposed legislature
to make magic a “national treasure,” a resolution with which several
representatives have signed off on, Hatboro-Horsham has adopted a
new curriculum.
“It’s simple, really,” says Mrs. Cummings, AP Chemistry teacher.
“Science never existed in the first place, and Darwin, Curie and Einstein were all wrong.” Cummings is lounging in her nearly empty
room. “I got rid of all our equipment yesterday, and the science
department decided to use magic to ensure my students score 5’s in
May!” Cummings is retiring her most famous AP Chemistry curriculum for something more...medieval, namely alchemy. “Next year’s
students will be searching for the universal elixir, something that
will undoubtedly help them with college-level chemistry.”
Conservationists would be pleased to know that all of the equipment formerly used in AP and Honors chemistry has been melted
down to create the new tools used in a majority of the new science
courses. Most notably, all glass products have been melted down
to create “wizarding sticks,” a necessity for any student who plans
upon taking most, if not all, the new science courses. “We really
invested in the best possible equipment,” Cummings informed us.
However, in the branch formerly known as “biology,” a war is
raging. Mr. Thompson and Mr. Enge are currently feuding over
who will be named Head Wizard of the reconstructed department.
Eyewitnesses report that the two can be seen casting spells in the A
wing, gearing up for the battle that will take place next week in the
courtyard.
“Come on, face it,” Enge told The Hat Chat. “I’m the one with
the better beard, and everyone knows that a better beard equals
a better wizard! The strongest wizard should naturally make the
important decisions that are still in the way of the department. Like
‘when should our holiday party be?’ Or ‘whose turn is it to make
coffee in the IPC?’ And how about ‘who’s now responsible for the
three hundred enchanted rats we just ordered out of this catalog?’”
Our interview with Enge was cut short as he ran off to practice
more spells, muttering “it’s all politics” to himself.
Critics argue that Enge has not yet released a formal guideline
for how the two feuding wizards’ beards shall be judged; a few say
that the winner of the wizard battle will take the seat, no questions
asked. Wizards Thompson and Enge have vastly different campaign
techniques that reflect upon their leadership style. For instance,
Thompson has opted for canvassing other departments in the
school, knocking on their doors during HATS and offering business
cards with his name printed clearly on them. “I’m not sure why he
gave me this,” says AP government teacher Ben Winderman, “But
he’s sure got my vote, and I teach civics,”
When asked about Enge’s campaigning technique of hyping up
both the wizard battle and his beard, Thompson said, “Yeah, Enge’s
been campaigning on a better beard for weeks now,” he says with a
sigh. “At this point, I don’t think I can dispute it. But I really think
that we should make this department for the wizards by the wizards!”
To witness the final showdown between two ultimate wizards,
come to the courtyard on April 14 between the times of 3 and 3:30
a.m. (according to our sources, magic is most potent on Thursdays at
this time).
Many students have asked what the new courses would be for
the upcoming school year. One of the most requested courses, effectively crashing Class Choice multiple times, is Introduction to
Voodoo Acupuncture, instructed by Mr. Baker, the former kinesiology teacher. Upon walking into his classroom in the A wing, we
first noticed the CPR dummy that he seemingly finessed from the F
wing health classrooms. Baker kindly gave us a demonstration that
summed up the first semester of the course, showing us the main
pressure points that voodoo acupuncture focuses upon.
“Anatomy isn’t real,” Baker informed us, as he stuck another
needle into the solar plexus, making a total of seven in one area. “All
of that junk inside of you, your membranes, organs, bile and blood?
It’s floating around in there.” He gestured to the ½ length of the
CPR dummy. “That’s why acupuncture is a great thing to invest in,
since it holds the organs in the proper place and prevents excessive
floating.” Once offered a real-life demonstration, we kindly declined
and ended the interview.
Next door to Baker is Mr. Potts, the former forensics teacher
who is one of two teachers to keep their original courses, with some
touch ups. “Have you ever seen Bones?” Potts asked us, to which we
agreed. “That’s the remodel of the forensics course. Every week, we
all vote on who gets to be David Boreanaz and set out to find some
partially-decomposed bodies.” The magic, we were told, comes in
the fact that whoever is chosen to be the weekly Boreanaz is turned
into a physical incarnation of the actor. In addition, students are expected to use the same “movie magic” techniques seen in Bones and
similar shows, including “cool sound effects.”
The new forensics course now offers an AP level, in which the
AP exam is actually the entrance exam to either the FBI or CIA. “I
let the students choose which one they’d like to go for,” explains
Potts. “But I really hope most of them choose the FBI. Do you know
how hard it is to find Princeton Review books for the CIA?”
Within the same vein as the new forensics comes the course to
replace genetics, Cloning by Alchemy and Dark Magic, taught by
Mr. Poruban. In addition to this course, Poruban’s class will also
be handling all DNA analysis brought in by forensics. “Of course
I’m excited. I always thought that Clue would be really ramped up
with some glowing machinery and double helixes,” Poruban told
us. When asked about his new course, he said, “Imagine Dolly the
Sheep but with more explosives, chanting and three hundred times
the output.” Students start small, he says, working with the aforementioned three hundred enchanted rats ordered from a catalog.
“Their first task is to clone one rat each, and then multiple rats at
the same time until we have six hundred.Then we move to their
final project -- the cloning of three hundred enchanted cats to get
rid of the six hundred rats,” Poruban admitted that he had not yet
ordered the cats.
The second of the two courses to remain intact, albeit with
changes, is physics. “Are you kidding me?” says Senior Brendan
Wawrzyniak. “Physics IS magic.”
Although the tomfoolery of velocity will no longer be taught,
Physics and its Application in Forgery will in fact be instructed by
Mrs. McElrath. “Our first project is all of the footage of the moon
landing,” she explains. “It’s everywhere, and in our first unit, our
students will debunk it by finally proving that it was all filmed at
NASA.” The class’ second project, which will occur in collaboration with Mr. Savarese’s Chemistry As a Means of Time Travel and
Invisibility 101 class, will debunk the single bullet theory. “I can’t
wait to get the truth out there,” explain McElrath. “Physics started
as magic, so it only makes sense that we do something really serious,
like debunking the moon landing.”
As for Mr. Sav’s Chemistry As a Means of Time Travel and Invisibly
101 class, he has big plans on how to quiz students. “Right before we
start the single bullet theory project, we’re going to get some good
practice in with time traveling,” Sav says. The chemistry, he explains,
comes in a simple concoction of xenon and sodium chloride. “Unit
one consists of making this solution, and unit two will tests students
on their ability to travel and survive,” Sav calls this the Travel and
Survive (T&S) technique, ensuring that students have the ability to
time travel and adapt. “I mean hey, if they can survive as surfs during
feudalism, they’ll be prepared for the JFK era.”
News in Brief:
Bite-sized pieces of news
for a bite-sized day
- Prom moved to a Thursday: “It worked really well for Red and Black!”
- Student finds physical incarnation of HATS portal, missing for three days
- Cardboard cutouts of grandmothers to be placed at every school function: “Subliminal messaging is key,” official says.
- Spatola’s of Horsham on its last gasp: new local hangout to be determined
- Courtyard duck makes a valiant return, now running for student council president
- Courtyard converted to massive arena - complete with auditorium seating
- Due to extreme budget cuts, sex ed and geometry will be taught simultaneously.
- True purpose of third floor lobby steps discovered: anicent grains closet
- Tonelli’s, Opening in August of 2011: The hangout to replace Spatola’s?
ETHAN:
The Quick Fix For Global Warming:
Let’s Make Earth Great Again
The Entire Math Club, ‘100
Humanity has a problem, well let me rephrase. Our planet has a problem.
As we all know, greenhouse gases caused by toxic energy expenditures are
fueling climate change. Ice is melting ICEEsare disappearing. Polar bears are
dying, we are losing quality fur for our jackets. Seas are rising, we are losing
boardwalks to meet and pursue new love interests. But don’t worry, we can
make Earth great again.
The reason clean energy isn’t being used is because of unreasonable
prices. However, I have an idea. Instead of making more solar panels, what
if we increased the power of the source?
But how do we increase the power of the sun?
We don’t increase the power of the sun, but we can move closer to
the sun. I know what you’re thinking. All we need to do is get humanity to
undergo a mass migration to one location and coordinate a massive jump to
get the Earth to shift towards the sun. But in case you’re not sharp enough
to think of the flaws of this problem, I’ll list them out. First off, the Earth
rotates way too fast to the coordinate such a feat of collaboration. Secondly,
humanity is too divided to corral humans to one location without indirectly
causing mass slaughter.
However, there is a reason to why the Earth moves around the sun.
Gravity.
Logically, if we increase the mass of the Earth, the gravitational pull
to the sun will become stronger, ultimately shortening the distance between
the earth and the sun. Obviously, this will increase both the strength and
efficiency of solar panels.
So how do we increase the mass of the earth? Since all inorganic
As you can see in the graphic above, there is a direct correlation
matter is already on the earth and can not be imported from other celesbetween obesity and Solar Panel Research. The US government, altial bodies, the only other possible way is to increase the biomass.
though often ridiculed for lack of efficiency, is solving the big global
I propose that we get our finest elephant engineers, whale engiwarming problem.
neers and other large animal engineers to genetically modify the size of
Even though it might seem counterproductive to move the
these animals. But not just animals, plants and humans too. We could
earth
closer
to the sun to try to combat global warming, I worked out
tamper with pituitary glands to create eight foot humans. With larger
crops, animals and mainly humans, the weight of the earth will undoubt- the numbers and the plan is foolproof, trust me.
edly increase.
You’re probably sitting there, kicking yourself because you didn’t
discover such an intuitive and foolproof panacea. Fortunately, the American
government has dedicated its resources to already implement this plan.
In Loving Memory of Milton Kunz:
LOST TO RAPID RAPIDS
Sultan of Bugels, ‘83
Will you go to prom with me?
(We have to recreate this picture though)
Tragedy struck when the Social Studies department chair,
Milton Kunz, was lost on the AP Whitewater Rafting Field Trip.
Originally intended to be a way to blow off steam and the anxiety associated with AP Exams, students were horrified to hear the
news. “It’s really a shame that we lost such a great man,” commented Junior Victoria Rapak who personally witnessed the tragic
event.
As the group was approaching the final set of rapids, Kunz was attempting to take pictures of the fun with his new iPhone. Earlier in
the year, AP Psychology students were tasked with the challenge
of how to take pictures in an aquatic environment. The class decided that waterproof cameras were “so 2000s” and informed Kunz
to get an iPhone with a Lifeproof case. Kunz, taking the advice of
his students, did so. However, when trying to take a picture, Kunz
was thrown from his raft and sent down the rapids, never to be
seen again.
As he was floating down the Lehigh river, Kunz was reported to
be heard screaming, “Goodbye Class!” Members of his AP Psychology class responded, in a nearly Pavlovian nature, “Goodbye Mr.
Kunz!”
Mr. Glen Cleveland has been named interim Social Studies department chair and will assume all responsibilities that need to be filled
for the remainder of the year. However, it is still unclear what will
become of his involvement with stage crew.
The Last Will and Testament of Milton Kunz wished for comprehensive psychology courses be requirements to graduate from
Hatboro-Horsham High School. Starting for the class of 2020, students will need five credits of various psychology courses to graduate. Finally, in honor of Kunz, the auditorium will be renovated
and named for him.
A Firm Goodbye from the 2014-2016 Editor-in-Chief
To all 25 of our loyal readers (Hi, Mom!),
Ah yes, the time has come. My career as editor-in-chief, like
all good things, must to come to an end. The American education
system tells me that I must graduate and cultural cues tell me that I
shouldn’t skip college and do Hat Chat full time.
But have no fear - my protégée will take over to ensure that our
monthly-ish issues will be distributed to all of you and the school’s
recycling bins.
To clarify, this will be my last issue ever. Ever! Can you believe
it? My last issue is filled with fake articles and emojis. I’m not complaining, by any means. Because if you know me well, you would
know that this is probably the best I’ll be able to sign off of two
years of editor-in-chiefing and two other years of miscellaneous
newspaper tasks.
But people have been asking, “what are you doing after high
school?” and “What are you doing now that you don’t have Hat
Chat to worry about?” Well, let me tell you.
I have plans to travel across the country as a nomad. Nomadism is a noble lifestyle, and I will be living in the most noble of
ways: freight car hopping. I couldn’t be more excited, because
everyone has their calling and mine happens to be packing up my
most prized possessions and going on an adventure of a lifetime. I
decided that after a full year of worrying about colleges, programs,
scholarships and making up passwords with numbers, letters and
symbols to get into these college accounts, I’m not interested. Nope,
I’m facing college with a firm handshake and an even firmer “no
thank you.” Nomadism is the way to go, especially for someone like
me who has the ability to live solely off of granola and red Gatorade. So, there’s the answer to that - I’m going to the University of
Freight Train Hopping (UFTH), so please stop asking.
As for what I’m doing now that I don’t have Hat Chat to worry
about…
Well, I could put my raw determination and extra time to good
use doing something along the lines of say, community service, but
I decided that in the time between now and graduation (I’m hopping on my first train the night of June 13,) I’ll be digging holes.
That’s right. Holes, trenches, ditches, you name it. I’ll be digging
it. Mostly because I plan upon living out the rest of my days on
a train, and my prized possessions need to be buried somewhere
so my extended family can find them. (Plus, digging holes really
builds character - Shia Labeouf taught me that one.)
And so, I’m closing out my last article ever on my last issue ever
and I can tell you right now I’m a little emotional. But size 12
sylfaen font really doesn’t do my emotion justice, so I’ll put my
signature below. Maybe I’ll get this notarized too, just to show how
serious this is.
To those of you reading and who have kept up with my two year
journey on this newspaper, thank you. I’m glad I could share this
experience with you, and I really hope you learned something.
Love you, miss you, hope you’re doing okay.
In elementary school, it’s a common belief
that at the end of the day teachers get out
Doing her best, ‘18
their mattresses, make themselves comfortable, and spend the night in the school.
They don’t have actual homes, no real families, their lives revolve
completely around school and they spend their days off within the
classroom.
But as we aged, we realized that those assumptions are wrong.
But some of our teachers, still, don’t find their way to a cozy home
at the end of the day. After enriching our minds with his vast
knowledge of our country and its people, the world-renowned civics instructor, Mr. Dennis Steinly, sits down at his desk and places
his hands on his keyboard. When the clock strikes 3 and his fingers
begin to merge with the keyboard, seeping through the letters and
into the motherboard. Soon, he becomes one with the software,
and he spends the rest of his nights, weekends, and vacation days
navigating through his familiar home of Edmodo.com.
One day, during the after-school hours, the robotics team was
wandering the school and happened upon Mr. Steinly’s room.
Though they were supposed to be working on their latest project, their curiosity was peaked by the strange noises coming from
behind the closed door. According to Tom Abraham, the main
robotics champ, the room was completely dark, save for a “bright
light that seemed to be coming from behind the desk in the corner.
We couldn’t see the source of the light from just looking through
the window on the door. But being the techies that we are, we all
needed to find out what was producing that light.”
The team all searched far and wide for a key into the classroom.
Luckily their teacher advisor holds the master key to every room
in the school, and they cautiously entered Mr. Steinly’s room and
turned to his desk. There was nothing on it except for his laptop. A
sweater was hung on the back of his chair and there were ungraded
papers thrown on the floor. As Tom, the bravest of the bunch,
stepped in front of the open laptop, he saw something so typical
but at the same time, so unbelievably unbelievable that he couldn’t
believe it. The browser was on a basic website, Edmodo.com, but
what he saw in the corner was what really sent him on a tizzy. Mr.
Steinly was there, on the webpage, within the screen of his laptop,
just sitting on a chair, reading the Constitution, and eating some
pizza. He seemed very comfortable being one with the program.
Tom recounted that before the Edmodo-version of Mr. Steinly
was able to look up from his reading, he ran out of the classroom
and told the rest of the team that it was only a lamp that had been
left on. He thought that what he had seen needed to be addressed
by a much more public, nationally-known source of information rather than just a gossip train starting with the robotics team.
That’s when he confided in the humble Hat Chat writers, giving us
the ability to spread the news and warn the public.
Tori Swiacki, former editor-in-chief and current nomad
Dennis Steinly’s True Identity Revealed
DJ Fromal’s Musical Rise
Wears Sperrys, ‘75
After a breakout performance at the class of 2017’s lip sync battle, math teacher DJ Fromal has decided to continue his musical career.
Mr. Fromal had a lip-sync of a lifetime, and although he understands that his lip-synching abilities may not carry over directly to his singing skills, he comments, “Anyone can be a singer, but nobody can be DJ Fromal.” Clearly there’s no backing down from Mr. Fromal and
he’s ready to take the music industry by storm.
Mr. Fromal says to have already written lyrics to multiple songs, the titles of a few being “L’Hopie’s Girl,” “Derivin’ on a Prayer,” and
“Eye of the Deriver,” though none have been officially recorded in the studio thus far. He is also recorded as saying he will be going on a
northeast US tour starting in mid May, set to perform in Washington DC, Philadelphia, New York, Boston among others.
I think this could be the start of a very promising career for what seems like a very talented songwriter, but it is certainly no reason
for Mr. Fromal to leave his day job. Mostly because he’s probably the bestest math teacher at Hatboro-Horsham. If Mr. Fromal really
wants to penetrate the music game, then he’ll have to expand into the one and only true genre of music: the 1980s.
But I digress. Mr. Fromal is sitting on a goldmine of song lyrics and unique ways of presenting his art to the world. He will surely be
successful in his upcoming tour and I’m sure that will continue on afterwards with his debut album. Just remember: stay gold, ponyboy.
STAFF:
Tori Swiacki, Brendan Wawarznyiak, Al
lie Karras, Victoria Rapak, Ethan Mc
Inerneny, Dmitry Fay, Sam Schultz,
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Soricelli.