Volume 3, Issue 9 - Happy Hour Kickball

Transcription

The Morning After… Page 1
www.happyhourkickball.com
Volume 3, Issue 9
On the Cover:
BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY!!!
HHKB Tip of the Week:
When you have the opportunity to handle
ball, make sure you’re gentle, handle it with
care!
The Morning After...
Summer 2009
June 9, 2009
What a party we had this past Saturday! Great attendance, great hats,
great dresses and a great time!
If you could not make it, I guarantee
you did not have more fun at whatever it was you were doing. Just not
possible!
The recaps are flowing though and
guess what, David from Taste the
Reign, Bro fell asleep again at the
party, we need to get that guy a
room there….
Enjoy!
Into………………………………………………………….2
Actual & Factual News…………………………………..3
Krewe de Juice Advert…………………………………...4
A deal from Digital Studios……………………………….5
Schedule for 6/3 & 6/10……..…………………………...6
Game 5 Recaps…………………………………………..7
Bacchanaleon, God of Kickball………………………...17
Ain’t that a Kick in the Head…………………………….18
Deep Thoughts by Dan Holloman……………………...19
Superlatives for this Season……………………………19
Viva La Revolucion con Fiesta Martine………………..20
Mid season Party Recap………………………………..21
TMZ Weekly……………………………………………...22
Barking Dog Power Rankings………………………….24
Week 6 Awards……………………..…………………...25
Flip Cup Outcomes……………………………………...26
Flip Cup Standings………………………………………27
Survivor Standings………………………………………28
HHKB Horoscopes………………………………………29
At the Barking Dog in Pics……………………………...30
Conference 7N Standings
Conference 7S Standings
Where My Pitches
At?
Kick in a Box
4
L
0
3
1
1
2
1
2
2
1
2
1
The Hobo Minority
Report
Team of Bumbling
Drunks
2
1
B.O.O.O.M.!!!
1
2
2
2
3
0
My Little Ponies
1
4
0
1
4
0
OFF R BALLS
0
4
1
0
5
0
W
L
T
GOT Booty?!
4
0
1
My Girlfriend
can’t Wrestle,
but you should
see her Box
3
0
2
Don’t Squeeze
the Juice!
3
1
Taste the
Reign Bro
2
We’ve Got the
Runz
Looking to
Score
NPAK
W
T
1
Actual and Factual News that We did NOT Make
Saturday June 13: HHKB Night out at the DC Armor! We’re heading over to the DC Armory for an afternoon of tailgating and Indoor Football. Tix are $17.00 and this will get you your fix before the NFL
Season. Respond to us either through the Ning Page or via email at [email protected]
Saturday, June 20: It’s the greatest time of year, the 3rd Annual Summer BEER OH LYMPICS! This
wonderful event will be taking place at the Barking Dog in Bethesda starting around 12:30 pm and concluding around 6:30 pm. The events include:
Flip Cup (5 people per side)
Beer Pong (2 people per side)
Team You Got Served (2 teams facing off around a circular table)
Continuous A$$Hole (one member of every team playing at all times)
The Beer Relay (takes what you did all day and slams it into one timed event)
And a Mystery event to be determined!
Price is on a per person basis and will be determined based on the amount of teams participating. The
entry fee gets you all the beer for the OH lympics and all you can drink during the day. If you’re interested in participating email us directly at [email protected] to save a spot.
Monday, June 29: HHKB Fall Registration Opens. $48 for the season (cheapest in the area), we play
Sunday mornings at 10:30 and 11:15am before heading over to the Barking Dog for all the NFL action,
Team Flip Cup and Survivor. It’s a laid back kind of scene that everyone enjoys. If you’re interested in
participating and need a team or want to start a team, let us know at [email protected]
Friday, July 24: HHKB Night out with the Nats! We’re gonna see the Nats take on the Padres, and it’s
gonna be a great night. We’ll start in Lot 8 of RFK with some tailgating and then head over to Nats park
to continue the party. Except some shotgunning and shenanigans. Hit us up if you’re in!
Saturday, August 1: Playoff day and Kick Ass End of the Season Party. Details are still being worked
out, but count on it being a great way to wind down after a long day of tournament style kickball. Awards
ceremony and crowning of the Summer 2009 Happy Hour Kickball League Champion and Flip Cup
Champion. Can the Kick in a Box and their porn ’staches repeat?
Rainouts—In the case of a rainout, the weather line will be updated by 5:30 pm. The weather line
number is 202.415.2843,be sure to give it a ring! In case of rainout, HHKB will buy the first keg, and of course
our specials at the Barking Dog will still be honored.
Referees—Each must provide a referee, either for the 6:30 pm game if you are playing at 7:15 pm or for
the 7:15 pm game if you are playing at 6:30 pm. Failure to provide a referee will count as a forfeit.
Forfeit Policy— Only really occur if you have less than 4 people, this will be very difficult to accomplish,
so we don’t think this should be an issue…
This Week’s Theme as Presented by the Juice!
A great deal presented by Digital Studios!
Last Week’s Schedule
Field
Week 6
June 3, 2009
4
Time
Home
6:30 PM Taste the Reign Bro (1)
Away
My Girlfriend can’t Wrestle
but you should see her Box
(5)
5
Where My Pitches At? (7)
NPAK (1)
6
Team of Bumbling Drunks
(3)
Kick in a Box (3)
4
7:15 PM The Hobo Minority Report (1) Don’t Squeeze the Juice! (1)
5
OFF R BALLS (1)
My Little Ponies (7)
6
B.O.O.O.M.!!! (1)
GOT Booty (4)
7
We’ve Got the Runz
Looking to Score
This Week’s Schedule
Field
4
Week 7
June 10, 2009
Time
Home
6:30 PM Don’t Squeeze the Juice!
Away
GOT Booty
5
Kick in a Box
Looking to Score
6
B.O.O.O.M.!!!
My Girlfriend can’t Wrestle but
you should see her Box
4
7:15 PM We’ve Got the Runz
NPAK
5
Where My Pitches At?
Taste the Reign Bro
6
Team of Bumbling Drunks
My Little Ponies
7
The Hobo Minority Report
OFF R BALLS
Regular Season Week 5 Recaps
The recaps keep getting better, and better. If only they would get more obscure. Let’s get
nuts here people!
Enjoy!!!
My Little Ponies vs. OFF R BALLS
Oh Yeah!
by Katsica Judfer
The My Little Ponies met up with Off R Balls, but apparently didn't listen. In fact, the
MLPs did just the opposite by "bucking" their balls deep into left field and "stampeding"
them 7-2. What a great first victory for the MLPs! Just when the MLPs got on a roll,
they didn't stop for once! They "trotted" their winning attitude and skills onto the tables
at the Barking Dog to taste the sweet victory of 3rd place in flip cup. The Dream Team
they were!
Kat- Way to work your way around the bases...3rd base her she comes!!
Matt- Thanks for showing up! Glad that helmet at work protected you! Way to
pitch with those Fred Flintstones toes!
Asa- "Air Asa"- way to catch those fly balls!
Mike, Tony, & Dan- Back up kings! Always there to make sure the rest of us don't
mess up! Mike thanks for reffing the early game!
Ted- Sacrificing his body for the team!
Kathy- Bringing in the runs for the team and managing to keep her ankle together! Yay Lucky Leaf!
Jess- Way to make it through the obstacle course to get to 3rd base...jumping over
balls, dodging bullets...you name it, she can handle it!
Kaleb- way to pitch and get guy out at home
Ellie- Great kicking skills! She made it past first base and didn't even didn't even
swap any spit!!!
Nui- Yum Yum! Need we say more?!?! Way to rock both first base AND outfield! She's as versatile as duct tape!! (Only cuter!)
Katie- TWILIGHT!! What isn't there to say?!?! This girl's got skillz!! Not only is
she a talented kickballer, but she's also a great cheerleader!!
GO PONIES!!!! NEIGH!! Her skills don't stop on the field, either. She also rocks the
flip cup table....WATCH OUT for little Katie Judge! She only looks sweet and innocent! j/k
My Little Ponies vs. OFF R BALLS cont...
Final Score: My Little Ponies 7 - OFF R BALLS 2
Does that say, GO PONIES, Neigh as in the sound a pony makes, or are Katsica Judfer really
rooting against their own team? I hope it’s the later as that could cause some serious kickball
intrigue, and I love nothing more than intrigue. If only kickball was just like an episode of Lost,
without the killing, starving, and flashes. And I don’t think Katie looks sweet and innocent, she
looks like she was always scheming, just like she does at flip cup…schemer…
B.O.O.O.M.!!! vs. Got Booty?!
B.O.O.O.M.!!! goes hunting for Booty, find boogers Or: No, I do NOT have a fascination with
nose-picking.
by Tim
My usual ―recap‖ will follow, but first, let’s take a quick look back at the midseason party, shall
we?
The B.O.O.O.M.!!! contingency was a bit limited in size, for reasons unknown. I mean, Bud
Light always tastes an infinitesimal amount better when it’s free, right? As the night wears on,
and you find yourself wearing someone’s hat whilst air guitar-ing to Journey, Bon Jovi, and Def
Leppard (mixed with some one-handed air drumming, natch), you almost begin to LIKE the
taste of Bud Light.
B.O.O.O.M.!!! vs. Got Booty?! cont...
Ok, I’m lying. Bud Light still tastes just as Bud Light-y whether you’ve had one pitcher or three.
Needless to say, fun times were had. No
one got hurt, and I don’t think I did anything that I’d otherwise regret. Too bad I think I left my
sunglasses in the cab. Oh, and to the girl I spilled beer on, sorry about that.
Now, about that recap…
In what can only be described as further evidence that we need to start building an ark in advance of the eventual flooding, the weather gods once again gave us all what I will call a
weather-wedgie. Mostly because of the alliteration, and because wedgies suck.
B.O.O.O.M.!!! had high hopes going in, what with their stellar 1-1-2 record. Those hopes were
tempered, of course, by the fact that we were playing Got Booty?. Even worse, it looked like
we were going to have to start the game with a total of six players in the field due to an uncharacteristic lack of female players.
Fortunately, about half the team finally showed up (in stages) from having pre-gamed at Comet
Ping Pong with The Juicers.
Things were looking up in the early stages of the game, and B.O.O.O.M.!!! was actually first on
the scoreboard. Not ones to be spanked, however, the Booty rallied back with four runs, taking advantage of the weather to throw off B.O.O.O.M.!!!
When all was said and done, the game was called at the end of the fifth. This wasn’t a tremendously horrible thing, considering the downpour, the lightning, etc. Granted, had it been the
playoffs, it would’ve been a different story.
Attendance at the bar was surprisingly good given the dampened spirits. However, things
quickly started to get silly. Owens decided to demonstrate his expert abilities in nose-picking to
all who cared. Unfortunately, this escalated into a competition of sorts…
Now that we have that out
of our systems (hopefully),
we can focus on actually
WINNING flip cup. Oh, and
winning kickball, too. Yeah,
can’t forget about that.
The Booty Displayed the BOOOM BOOOM POW!
by The Playmaker
The BOOTY had 5 guys and 5 girls.
The BOOTY fell behind 1-0 on big kicks by Tim, Neel, and Annie.
The BOOTY rallied led by Blondtourage.
Ali-Cat singled…. KL2 scored
D-Licious scored on J-Dawg’s single
Owens watched KIKI score.
T-Bone, kicked, ran, and scored.
C-Smooth & Blondtourage was unstoppable … big kicks and hot chicks!
The Derby Mid-Season Party saw the BOOTY decked out in full fashion.
Durty J wore sear sucker pants
Chip wore a sear sucker jacket
Trouble, KIKI, KL2, Ali-Cat, and
D-licious rocked the smoking hot cocktail
dresses, big hats, and of course HOTT Booty!
As the night ended The Booty was seen behind the
bar ―squeezing the juice‖.
Final Score: GOTT Booty 4 – B.O.O.O.M.!!! - 1
It’s somewhat poetic that both Chip and Tim went for
the same look, sport coat and shorts. Maybe it’s a
trend that they only know about. I recall that at the
beginning of Weekend at Bernie’s you see a bunch
of downtown Manhattan fat cats in their suits with
shorts, looking comfortable. Now I hope this doesn’t become a trend, but if it does, you know
where it started! It sounds to me like all the points on Booty is coming from the ladies, which is
awesome, but what if this is some sort of trick Chip is pulling to see who pay attention to the
newsletter to scout things out and is all of sudden blinded by a bunch of big kicking dudes?!
My Girlfriend Can’t Wrestle but you should see her Box! vs. Taste the Reign, Bro
Everything’s Coming Up BOX (That’s what she said):
by Chris Gamboa and Marcos Guzman
My Girlfriend Can’t Wrestle but you should see her Box! vs. Taste the Reign, Bro
Ominous clouds, impending hail storms, and the booming sounds of thunder did not stop
Taste the Reign, Bro or My GF Can’t Wrestle But you should see her Box
Box, from sacrificing
their lives out on the field for the good of this sacred game we call Kickball.
TTRB had a very balanced line up, but MYGFCWBYSSHB managed to get in some quality
runs early into the match through solid kicking and speed on the basepaths. The Dark Green
team must have gotten charged by a surge of lightning passing through the metal fence they
were clutching on to, and made a late game rally. However, the yellow squad managed to
hold them off and finish with a notch in the win column, 5-2. 10 points for TTRB for making it
rain…literally, but 15 points for MYGFCWBYSSHB for telling the park police to scram after trying to tell us that a hail storm was coming.
TTRB looked to seek vengeance at the Barking Dog, and did so with swift justice. I am actually
drinking my sorrows away as I type this, in hopes to forget about the loss that was handed to
us. You might as well of put manure in our last cup, because the Military Green alcoholics
didn’t even let us get to the final cup. Go take your beer…I’m fine with my flask of Maker’s…oh
crap…boss is coming….till next week.
Oh yeah!
By Orlando Lopez
Everyone's allowed an off day. Maybe you leave your alarm set on a Saturday morning. Maybe you wear two different socks to work. Maybe you jump on the Metro/Beltway going the wrong way and don't notice for a few stops/exits. Like I said, everyone's allowed just
an off day. Let me just mark this week down as our off day. Where things just don't seem to
click. Not to slight the team with the longest name is history, but we were not at all on our
game. Catches were dropped, kicks weren't made. I personally made a rookie mistake while
trying to throw out someone. And some of us were terribly scared of lightning, even though it
barely started to rain on us. My promise to you fans of kickball: This will not happen this
week. If that crazy kickball god allows the weather to hold for this week, then we'll be
ready. Same thing goes for the bar. This week our cups will flip, our pong balls will sink, and
hopefully we'll film it all in grainy video. And if our socks are different, it'll be on purpose.
Final Score: My GF Can’t Wrestle But you should see her Box 5 - Taste the Reign, Bro 1
Last week was Cunningham’s birthday and there was cookie cake. I can say that this was the
first time I had ever had cookie cake, and it was pretty tasty. My tongue turned blue though.
Not really an issue, but all those questions about Smurfette would have never come up otherwise. Oh Smurfette, Gargamel made you to infiltrate the smurfs but you turned on him and
took on the job of satisfying a community of hundreds of male smurfs with distinct personality
traits, who probably all wanted a piece. Did you give it up? I have no idea, but aside from living in a mushroom house and running from Azrael, there probably isn’t much else to do. And
when things are off, what can you do? You just roll with it.
Where My Pitches At? vs. NPAK
Oh yeah!
by Scott Maffett
This week added a couple new twists to our game: Monster storm brewing, and a f-d up kickball field. The field was about 5x regulation size, with second base somewhere around shortstop? Albers? Time to adjust the gameplan.
Homeruns and defense. With Michelle od'ing on meds to control the strep throat, our other
captain Meagan took control of the pitcher’s mound. The other team couldn't seem to find the
ball with their foot. Scoring a few runs early, it was time to unload.
Chris gave me some sound kicking advice, and called out that I'd probably kick a homerun
now, and that I did. Which then followed with Matt being jealous, and having to kick a homer
too. Late in the game, we had some questionable fielding from players I'll leave unnamed, or
not: Mike. Don't be afraid of balls, they are your friend.
With the storm creeping and spitting, our game plan shifted once more. Kick fast, get out, and
get out of here, and it wasn't too the bar. Since we knew there was not going to be any limbo,
our whole team (I think) decided not to attend the bar. We wanted to see just how far Mr. Bocquet would plummet us in the power rankings. We like a good underdog story, and will rise
from last to first next week.
Final Score: Where My Pitches At? 7 – NPAK 1
Second base is supposed to be somewhere around shortstop, preferably a little to the
right. Michelle doesn't need an illness to over self-medicate, thank you very much. Aw, Matt
has kick envy. Isn't that cute? Truer words have never been spoken, balls are indeed your
friend. This is just a theory, but I believe that Where My Pitches At retired to Miss Nowell's
opium den after their game, where she goes by the name Mary Poppies.
Don’t Squeeze the Juice! vs. The Hobo Minority Report
Don’t Squeeze The Juice! vs. The Hobos
by the Juicers
The Juice are still missing Juice but the game must go on. After some pregaming at
Comet with some of the members of B.O.O.O.M.!!! the Juice arrived to the fields. It
was a rush to get the game started before the rain moved in. The Hobos got off to a
good start with a run in the first but we would not settle. We could not stand for this
and we had Alan to thank for evening up the score in the second. The rest of the game
was mostly defense with great catches by Becky, Alan, Blake, Jason and I'm sure
some others.
Don’t Squeeze the Juice! vs. The Hobo Minority Report cont...
The game was called in the 5th inning due to the weather and we were off to the bar. We represented in flip-cup again this week, with second place team and a good showing in survivor.
Word on the street is Juice is in town, hopefully he'll make an appearance. If not we may
change our team name to 'Where is the Juice?'
The Hobo Minority Report Dateline June 8, 20Hobo
by Hon. C. Sean Corvelli
I’ve been challenged to come up with a witty write-up this week, even though I was absent
from last week’s game. So I’ll tell you everything I know, with some debauchery from the bar
thrown in there.
Apparently we tied with Juice 1-1 after 4 innings. Then Mother Nature struck down upon thee
with great vengeance and furious anger like Jules Winfield. Although there was no footage to
confirm that these events actually did take place, we were able to obtain some dicey camera
phone footage of Hobo left-fielder(in more ways than one) Philip Overton taking his sweet time
to lollygag and gallivant around the field. And yes I’ll make my second Fresh Prince reference
of the summer and say that he simply does this because he wants to go ―2 miles an hour…so
everybody sees you‖. A true renaissance man he is. Now I don’t know who scored the runs
for us or them. But I DO KNOW that reliable sources have told me that Hobo catcher/shortcenter fielder/all-around awesome lady Stella O. made an amazing snag of a pop-up. Must’ve
thought it was Rickie’s dignity. Ohhhh….ba-dump-dump-CHING!! I kill myself. Just kidding I
love you two kids. I have no knowledge if Hobo superstar 3rd basemen Laura Hardy was at
the game or not, but if she was I hope she found some time to call me a rotten sexist even
though I wasn’t there. Why break routine ya know?
Apparently, conspicuously absent from Wednesdays game, but somehow able to make it to
the bar…was Payne Train. Way to be a stand-up teammate there buddy. Let your teammates
take the brunt of a mini-hurricane while you wait patiently at the bar, prepping yourself for
some hump-day inebriation. Between only performing admirably during SURVIVOR Flip Cup
and NOT the team portion, and your now infamous ―Hamburglar‖ incident at Caddie’s….I’m
beginning to question the moral fabric of your Hoboness. NOT TO MENTION you’re trying to
shed the Payne Train moniker…which I for one, simply will not allow. Nor will T-Train dammit.
Stay tuned for more on this development in coming weeks. Brandon’s made his way back
from the disabled list, which means kickball will now be played in Jordans again. Classic Hobauchery right there. Even Mike Morris showed up for his first game, and I’m beginning to
think he single-handedly brought on the crappy weather. I’m pretty sure Seamus baffled our
kickers with his whirling-durvy crane-style pitching and Jedi Mind tricks. Oh we know
aaaaaaaall about you Seamus, he of the legendary Beer Pong matchups and deceptive
strategery. Good game Juice, perhaps we’ll meet again.
Don’t Squeeze the Juice! vs. The Hobo Minority Report cont...
HOBOS WIN THEIR FIRST GAME OF FLIP CUP EVER!!! WOOHOOOOO!!!!!..........AND I
F*****NG MISS IT!!!!!! What a blower. Congrats to Angie, Lily, Mike, Melina, and…Ashley? ;^)
for carrying us bitches on your back.
I heard Chris stopped the Earth from revolving around the Sun to let the entire universe know.
Good man that commissioner is. We don’t just want the win; we want the glory and recognition. We’re front-running, grandstanding a-holes. F****N A man!!!!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Final Score: Don’t Squeeze The Juice! 1 - The Hobo Minority Report 1
I wish you would stop telling me how to handle The Juice. I will squeeze the juice if I damn
well please and I am prepared to live with the ramifications of my juice squeezing ways. When
Corvelli said he was going to tell us everything he knew, I thought to myself "this shouldn't take
long." And I was right! Does Mother Nature look like a bitch? I say the Payne Train gets a
pass. The bar is the most important part of every Wednesday anyway, because that's where
the beer is. I don't know what the "Hamburglar incident" is, but I am intrigued. Is it like the Incident at Owl Creek Bridge or more like the Profumo Affair? If the Payne Train leaves Bethesda at 11:30 pm, driving north on Wisconsin Avenue at the posted speed limit after consuming 5 beers in the past 3 hours, how long before he gets pulled over for being black? Congrats to the Hobos on their flip cup win, now act like you there before. Oh, you've never been
there before? Then commence to felicitating yourselves. No, that doesn't mean what you
think it means.
Kick in a Box vs. Team of Bumbling Drunks
Oh Yeah!
by Mori
Team of Bumbling Drunks tied with the Red Team in a 3-3 race against the rain. It would
have been less but the right field was not catching anything this past Wednesday. Two balls
went far over the Scott at first base and neither Lea in inning 2 or Mori in inning 4 could catch
the balls as they shifted direction mid way to land seriously far from the predicted planted foot
location. The in-field defenders did excellent to stop the Red Team from doing some serious
damage when at one point there were just too many of them on the bases. Anthony was an
excellent pitcher. The twins rock (even though they look nothing alike). Rob held down the
fort until MK showed up (late as usual...drinking again). The new team players, Brittany, Joe,
and Julie all rocked out and got on base. Lauren is the best darn catcher this side of rock
creek park. Julie and Meesh did their thing both on and off the field.
Kick in a Box vs. Team of Bumbling Drunks cont...
The rains came, we went to the bar, we lost in flip cup almost immediately and then we just
hung out and had a great time.
The mid-season party rocked. The TBD girls had fantastic hats (most of which were stolen). Rob was the lone TBD man but held it down pretty nicely. Can't wait until the next time.
MK out.
In Kieran We Trust…
by Chris B, a stuffed gorilla, Buddha and Dwight Schrute
In a reprise of the Fall 2008 final, Kick in a Box (then known as Barry’s $120 Worth of Pudding) took on the Team of Bumbling Drunks (then known as Get Drunk and Kick Balls) this
past Wednesday in what can only be described as a somewhat interesting game. Both teams
scored three (the K Man had 2 triples and 2 RKIs, plus a run scored, so he did everything), the
game ended in a tie, and the rain held off but barely. How do you like that milk?
If you like trends (like Will Clark hit .320 in afternoon games on Thursdays in even years in the
month of July) you should know that every time some iteration of these teams square off it either rains (3 of the past 4 times) or it is supposed to rain. What an interesting factoid, huh? I
think it might be best if these teams never are scheduled in the regular season again, just to
give us all a much needed break from the weather.
At the bar KIAB ran through the competition in Flip Cup and took first place in the final versus
the Juice. Basically, this title is going to come down to these two teams unless something
drastically changes, should be a fun end of season to find out.
At the Kick Ass Mid Season Party we KIAB had pretty good attendance and Holloman got his
pong mojo back, it had to be the jorts!
This coming week we take on Stephen and Looking to Score who invariably will call us clown
shoes or some such name. Can’t wait!
Final Score: Kick in a Box 3 - Team of Bumbling Drunks 3
Oh my goodness, is this write-up in code? Does it contain the location of the stolen hats? Or
is it just a Mad Lib? I do enjoy "the Scott at first base" line, so, therefore and henceforth, he
should be referred to as "the Scott." I am pretty sure you could have described the games as
something other than "somewhat interesting" and gotten away with it without anyone calling
shennanigans. Did you know Will Clark is a descendant of the Clark from the Lewis and Clark
Expedition? Well? Did you? Answer me, dammit! Kieran, does your back hurt from carrying
The Red Team? Well . . . . does it? You know all of these questions aren't rhetorical,
right? Well? Do you?
The Word from Bacchanaleon, God of Kickball
Did you feel Leon their with you Saturday night? Did you feel his presence? I
know some of you felt me. Oh yeah, I know you did. Remember? At the MidSeason Party. You felt me. Deep. Down. In your pants.
Alas, great and mighty a god as I may be, I am not immune to the affects of
mead, especially consumed in copious amounts. I awoke with a bit of a hangover Sunday morning. Ok, a bit of a hangover is an understatement. I awoke
with a Herculean hangover. You know the kind. Your tongue is stuck to the
roof of your mouth. Your eyes are so dry, you don't think you'll be able to move
your eyelids, and the first couple of times you do manage to close and open
them, you can actually hear yourself blink. The first time you try and use your
leg muscles, you get a cramp. Oh yeah, good times for Leon Sunday morning. As you may know, Hercules was assigned the task of completing 10 labors. Or 12 labors, whatever. First it was ten, but he only got half
credit, so then he had to do extra credit. I dunno. Anyway, to get rid of
a Herculean hangover, one only need complete one labor. And I labored at that one deed for a good 5 minutes Sunday morning before collapsing in a heap. After I awoke, I was good as new! Of course, this
hangover cure works much better if you are able to procure yourself a
partner the night before. Especially a willing partner, that helps a
lot. You have a lot less explaining to do, you don't have to talk to the
police later and you don't have to worry about whether or not you have
enough rope left from last time. So, I managed to charm a comely lass
through a combination of my flip cup expertise, my Ron Burgundy impersonation ("I wanna be on you"), and a liter of tequila. What can I say? I'm a triple threat! Being the gentleman that I am, I arose from bed, strolled into the
kitchen of earthly delights and prepared breakfast in bed for m'lady. Not only
did I toast her a pop tart, but an eggo waffle as well. I could tell that she was impressed by my culinary acumen by the look of surprise on her face. She politely
declined the barbecue sauce I offered her in lieu of maple syrup, as I was fresh
out. And despite my bountiful offering, she hardly ate a bite. I can only assume
that all of her worldly appetites had been satiated by our activities earlier in the
morning. How else might one explain declining a Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon pop tart? Not long after, she would leave my chambers, out in to the bright
morning of a lovely day pregnant with possibility (and hopefully only with possibility), carrying with her what were no doubt magical memories of a charmed
evening. And in a final gracious gesture, she left behind her pop tart. I hardly
hesitated in contemplating the meaning of it all before I consumed it ravenously
and washed down with Sunny Delight, all before the door had even closed behind her.
Ain’t that a Kick in the Head?!
This week we asked, “Apparently Britney Spears appeared nude in some photos,
what do you think?”
How is this news?
Mori Kaplan, Team of Bumbling Drunks
Wanna know how to see her nude, offer her a beer, she’ll do
anything for a beer...I would know.
Jayne Flannery, Kick in a Box
I suspect this won’t be the last time we see her nude, oh look
there she is, nude again.
Phil Overton, The Hobo Minority Report
Nude, that’s the way to go...nothing good happens naked.
Meagan Davis, Where My Pitches At?
Deep Thoughts by Dan Holloman
A collection of the brilliance that is Daniel Hussein Holloman
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I
tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens
to cheese when you leave it out.
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for
an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
*thoughts from DH may or may not be from DH and should be consulted at your own risk.*
2009 Summer Superlative Categories (number of votes in parentheses)
Most Spirited Team
Gott Booty?! (100)
OFF R Balls (4)
Drunkest Team
(120)
Kick in a Box (100)
MVP
Brandon Childers
(30)
Theresa Mencarini (27)
Ronnie Ford (2)
Elle Ham (2)
Most Flirtatious
Player
Jeremy Patten
(20)
Russell “Biz”
Ford (4)
Lindsay Zyma
(2)
Drunkest
Player
TTrain (52)
Katie Long
(50)
Melanie Mumau (50)
Alisha Lowe
(4)
Most Charitable
Team
(48)
Gott Booty?! (40)
Kick in a Box (20)
OFF R Balls (4)
Viva La Revolucion con Fiesta Martine!
I'm reading my daily paper the other day and I see a curious headline
- "Archaeologists Discover World's First Guy Named Marty".
First of all WOW after all the years of sending letters to news organizations and Hollywood finally someone realized there was a Marty
who existed before Marty McFly. Fucking douche, just because you
drive a cool car and get to go to the future and the past and change
your parents in to rich people who have more sex but somehow manage to keep you in the same cheap ass house as before you went
back the past and made them rich, everyone thinks you get to own
the name Marty. It's like every other Marty in the universe can bend
over or something. Uh, Helloooo what do you think Martin Luther
King's buddies were calling him? OK, bad example but the fact remains there are other Marty's out there other than DeLorean Boy.
Back to the article University of Toronto archaeologists excavating a prehistoric settlement near the Serbian border announced Tuesday that they had unearthed the remains of the earliest known Marty, dating back nearly
9,000 years. "What makes this a significant find is the ancient Marty's
features, which suggest he bore a striking resemblance to the Marty
of today,"
Well this is just patently false my brow line isn't that bad and I've been
trimming my eyebrows lately. I don't know how anyone could compare me to a caveman from 9,000
years ago.
The article continues ...said expedition leader Claribel Mollet, who determined the identity of the prehistoric man after carefully
analyzing the stoop of his shoulders and the elongated distance between his eye sockets.
i'll have you know that some of my mother's best friends have said these are my nicest features, I have
a sneaking suspicion that this author may be a fan of the McFly and is writing a hack job to make the
real Marty look bad! However, back to the article, I promise last interruption...
"At the same site we've uncovered what appear to be dice used for an ancient game of craps, leading us
to believe this specimen predates the Martys' split with ancestors of the modern Rick, who eventually
moved westward."
Ok I promised not to interrupt again but really, really my so called ancestor was a gambler not a drinker?
I find this hard to believe! Back to the article or fictional story is more accurate now.
In 1998, researchers thought they had discovered the first Marty in Azerbaijan, but carbon-dating test
results later revealed they had in fact discovered an early Eddie who just looked like a Marty.
First of all my brow line, stooped shoulders and eyes make me look nothing like an Eddie, I know that
ugly mother fucker and to be compared to him is just horrific on so many levels. This is the last time I get
my news from this rag called The Onion! Stupid newspaper no wonder it is free.
Kick Ass Mid Season Party Recap
This past Saturday we had the Kick Ass Mid Season Party at the Barking Dog
from 7pm - 11:30 pm. It was a hell of a time!
We killed about 10.5 kegs of Bud Light in that time, which I guess is a lot, no?
During the party we had a lot of pong, some flip cup, and let me tell you that
even I learned a bunch of new flip cup games. Games such as two handed
flip cup, a cup in each hand and flipping with the same hand that was holding
it. This was not my forte but I think there is a place for it in HHKB.
The theme for the evening was a Day at the Races, whether that be something as fancy and fun as the Kentucky Derby, or something as down to earth
as the most disgusting place in MD, the pit at the Preakness. Now no one
went as far as to cover themselves in bodily fluids or mud, but there was some
casual attire to offset the great dresses and hats worn by several of the ladies
of HHKB. Ladies and gents you all looked MAHVELOUS!
Also during the evening we had a silent auction where we sold a number of
different items, and while we had winners for each item, the real winner was
The Children’s Inn at NIH who will be getting the dough raised at the end of the season.
Check out the winners below, and some pics from the evening that stood out!
Item
Winning Bid
Gift Certificate from Capital Sport and Swim
Chris B at $25.00
Ultimo Car Detailing
Jason Y at $80.00
A hair cut from VSL hairstylist Arelle Wood
Marie C at $30.00
John Albers performs services of your choosing.
Buy your way into the top 11 (or take a mulligan) of Survivor the week of June 24
Mystery Box and it’s Contents
Chip L at $75.00
The Newsletter Cover the Week of June 24
Chris B, Orlando L and Marty S at $301.00
Aryan R. at $24.00
Scott R. at $102.00
TMZ Weekly by Anonymous’
WEEKLY… FOR HAPPY HOUR KICKBALL
A word from TMZ Weekly staffers:
The term ―Thirty Minute Zone‖ originated some Thursday after the first
spring HHKB season when, due to the copious pitchers of Bud Light consumed at The Barking Dog during post-game parties, kickballers established the ―thirty minute zone‖ to catch up on happenings of the night before (from what they could remember of course).
FAQs:
Q: How do I submit a correction or comment to TMZ?
A: You don’t.
Q: Is it legal for TMZ to write about me
without my verbal or written consent?
A: Probably not, but we do what we want.
Q: How can I be scooped in a TMZ write-up?
A: On Wednesdays, drink excessively and
make out with whoever you can; removing
clothing is also recommended.
Eventually, we, the truly elite and in-the-know, were identified and will alter
the HHKB news landscape by changing the way the league gets its news—raw, unedited, and
definitely not for the kids. Every week, you will learn the latest and greatest on the hottest
HHKB-ers and who not to stand next to at the Survivor table.
Happy gossiping!
TMZ Exclusive: HHKB Mid-Season Party a la Triple Crown
TMZ Weekly staffers love covering parties, especially those of the kickball variety. You can always count on some crazy shit happening that will provide season-long fodder. However, this
2009 spring mid-season party was seemingly a bit of a Debbie Downer when it comes to chewing the fat. There was no puking to be had Kakareka style, no sloppy tonsil hockey (with the
exception of the Prez and his girlfriend who really need to take that elsewhere), no auctioning
off of live humans, and no punching through walls! But they don’t call us ―in the know‖ for nothing so let’s get down to business.
This year’s theme was The Triple Crown. The Barking Dog was filled with hats, sun dresses,
infield wear, and ―why the long face‖ jokes. Here are TMZ Weekly’s picks for our little section
we like to call, ―Who Wore it Best?‖
MADHATTERS
Or...
TMZ Weekly by Anonymous’
Stripes
Or...
Sun dresses
Or…
Bow Ties
long face
Or…
Votes aren’t finalized until we hear from you, of course. Hot to
Trot’s Don isn’t really cutting it for ―long face‖ so bring it on! We’ll
be back next week to follow up with our league celebs, esp with
ex-kickballer Clairee who made an appearance at Saturday’s
party. Has she decided not to retire after all? Stay tuned.
Barking Dog Power Rankings presented by Bud Light
Week 8— June 3, 2009
1
OFF R BALLS (8) – They shut it down, and they had the most people, I mean,
2
We’ve Got the Runz (1) – You can always count on Rut and the ladies to take
care of business!
3
Kick in a Box (7) – Stopher, Chris and Robin holding it strong, all night long, plus
4
My Little Ponies (3) – The Ponies took 3rd in Flip Cup for points and Katie and
Jessica held strong in Survivor!
5
Don’t Squeeze the Juice (5) – You can always count on Jason Yang and the
Juicers for a good showing, but where is JUICE?
6
Taste the Reign Bro (2) – A good showing but they disappeared kind of early with
the exception of his holliness!
7
The Hobo Minority Report (10) – They won their first Flip Cup match, ever…
EVER!
8
Team of Bumbling Drunks (14) – A great showing by Mori and her crew, too bad
the Milk couldn’t hang in Flip Cup.
9
My Girlfriend Can’t Wrestle, but you should see her box (9) – Cookie, Cookie,
Cookie!
10
B.O.O.O.M.!!! (12) – A good showing, Annie was drinking again (nice!) but there
was some leaving early.
11
GOT Booty?! (6) – Chip and the Longs did a nice job, but the group is scatter
12 Looking to Score (11) – Pong, and then out.
13 NPAK (13) – A great showing by NPAK, after mid season they’re getting the hang
14 Where My Pitches At? (4) – According to Scott, there was no one, but in reality
there were three!
This
ThisSeason’s
Week’s Awards
Awards
The Billy Dee Williams Smooooth Play of the Week award goes to
Asa for finding some air, and just getting things done.
The BOOOM Goes the Dynamite Award goes to Kieran for
putting together all of his team’s runs, singlehandedly...
The Sticky Icky Buds Hand of the Week Award goes to Jason for some sick catches he made in his game.
The Chuck Norris Big Kick of the Week Award goes to
Owens for scoring his teams only run Wednesday night.
The Yellow Bed Pan for Kickball Ineptitude Award goes to
the TTrain for constantly knocking me out of the way when I
was reffing, and this is because I could not find anything else.
The Fat Joe Make it Rain Award goes to the Kick in a Box for
spending the most on charity at the silent auction this past Kick
Ass Mid season Party.
Week 6 Flip Cup Outcomes
We’ve Got the
Taste the Reign
Table 1
Table 1
We’ve Got the
Taste the Reign
My Girlfriend can’t Wrestle,
but you should see her box!
Kick in a Box
Table 1
Where My Pitches
Table 2
Where My Pitches
Kick in a Box
NPAK
Table 2
Team of Bumbling
Week 6 Champ
Kick in a Box
Table 3
Kick in a Box
Kick in a Box
Table 1
OFF R BALLS
Table 1
My Little Ponies
My Little Ponies
Looking to Score
Table 2
The Hobo Minority
Report
My Little Ponies
Table 4
The Hobo Minority
Table 2
B.O.O.O.M.!!!
B.O.O.O.M.!!!
Don’t Squeeze the
Juice
Table 3
Table 3
Don’t Squeeze the
Juice
Don’t Squeeze the
Juice
GOT Booty?!
Weekly Team Flip Cup Standings
Team
Weekly Championships
Won
Matches Won
Survivor
Games Won
Total Points
Kick in a Box
3
17
4
37
Don’t Squeeze the
Juice!
2
14
1
35
We’ve Got the
Runz
1
9
1
15
Team of Bumbling
Drunks
0
2
0
6
Taste the Reign
Bro
0
7
1
5
Where My Pitches
At?
0
11
0
4
My Girlfriend can’t
Wrestle but you
should see her
Box!
GOT Booty?!
0
5
0
4
0
4
0
4
My Little Ponies
0
4
0
4
B.O.O.O.M.!!!
0
4
0
0
OFF R BALLS
0
3
0
0
Looking to Score
0
2
0
0
The Hobo Minority
Report
0
1
0
0
NPAK
0
0
0
0
Points are awarded on a weekly basis as such:
8 points for a Weekly Championship
6 points for 2nd place
4 points for 3rd place
+1 Bonus Point for the Team whose player won Survivor that week
Survivor Flip Cup Standings
Week 6 Survivor Results
Place
Player
Team
Points
1
Chris Bocquet
Kick in a Box
8
2
Sabrina Miller
OFF R BALLS
6
3
Melanie Mumau
We’ve Got the
Runz
4
Survivor Season Standings
Place
1
Player
Chris Bocquet
Team
Kick in a Box
Points
26
2
Melissa Roseman
Kick in a Box
22
3
John Kakareka
16
4
Blake Carrington
5
Charlie Mueller
5
Marty Schell
7
Alan Reid Crouch
7
Sabrina Miller
We’ve Got the
Runz
Don’t Squeeze
the Juice
We’ve Got the
Runz
Taste the Reign
Bro
Don’t Squeeze
the Juice
OFF R BALLS
7
Jason Yang
Don’t Squeeze
the Juice
6
10
Lakshman Babu
OFF R BALLS
4
10
Melanie Mumau
4
10
Thomas Payne
10
Mike Townsend
We’ve Got the
Runz
The Hobo Minority Report
Kick in a Box
Points are awarded on a weekly basis as such:
8 points for a Weekly Championship
6 points for 2nd place
4 points for 3rd place
12
8
8
6
6
4
4
Happy Hour Horoscopes
Every week, we will give you a look into your future as we consult the stars...welcome to
Happy Hour Horoscopes!
Aries— Next day air will take on a whole new meaning when you are transferred to
planet Spaceball.
Taurus—That man in the corner isn’t staring at you because you’re beautiful but because
that’s his wife you are stabbing with a spork for not leggo’ing your eggo.
Gemini—When REM wrote the song shiny happy people, they were thinking of you, not
the current you, but the bizzarro you who didn’t end up in prison for dealing meth.
Cancer—The Lebron James puppet will be sent to your house in a box with a note saying
“you’re next”, the meaning of which will confound you until you spot your likeness in an annoying over played Nike commercial.
Leo—If you eat mashed potatoes for every meal you could od on starch, but what a way
to go!
Virgo—The Oakland Raiders will move to your hometown, prompting your hometown to
move itself to anywhere else on earth.
Libra—You will star in Transformers 3, which will actually turn out to be you playing with
your toys….are you a virgin?
Scorpio—Your dog will leave you for another owner when you refuse to get Showtime.
Sagittarius—The US government will declare you persona non grata after you attempt to
kill the president, not of the USA, but of your fan club.
Capricorn—Dwight Howard is not superman, you will find this out when you throw kryptonite at him and all he does is heave it back at you...and by kryptonite we mean snot.
Aquarius—Is that a pen in your pocket or are you just happy to see her, or it’s a pen,
wow, what a nice pen.
Pisces—While you are not ready for this jelly, you do appear to be ready for my toe jam.
Wait, come back!
At the Barking Dog, in Pictures
IN YOUR FACE SCOTT!
It’s Little Red Barring Hood!
It’s a Standoff of epic proportions...
That’s a Nice Donation, Big C!

Volume 3, Issue 9 - Happy Hour Kickball

Transcription

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